#i feel like the hottest motherfucker on the planet

[hazel2468]

Y’all. I may have lost my right lobe piercing (and good riddance to that painful bitch)…

But I’m in a silky black button down for no reason. My fancy jewelry because I feel like it. I got a new watch and I’m taking my fiancée out to dinner tonight because fuck I’m in Gentleman Mode and I wanna do something for her because I love her.

I feel sexy and hot and confident and FUCK I wish I had allowed myself to explore and question my gender sooner because being a genderqueer masc butch is bringing me so much fucking joy.

[omiiomiaaus]

Toji’s music taste

headcanons

Headcanons on what songs or music i think toji would like but it’s really just what i like bc i’m lazy and don’t wanna look up new songs.

warnings: none??? some mentions of sex but no details, not proofread, literally none??

☆ Just gotta say one thing… this man was in his prime life in the 2000s…. He was listening to songs that are older than me 🥸

☆ okay Megumi canonically listens to weezer so i think he got some of his music taste from Toji. (i think almost everyone that develops a liking for rock gets it from childhood roadtrips with their dad)

☆ Toji only plays his music in the car.. he can’t stand the radio. …100% played buddy holly and meg picked up on it

☆ it’s mostly alternative and rock with the occasional hip/hop songs but he doesn’t really like new music, he’s an oldie after all

☆ he definitely listens to Coldplay oh my god i think that would probably be one of his favorite bands bc their songs are soft and helps him fall asleep (literally me)

☆ his favorite coldplay song is clocks bc he’s a little basic but it’s the most classic song like??

☆ he taps to the beat of any song on the steering wheel and only mouths the lyrics bc he doesn’t like his singing voice.

☆Toji and deftones >>>>>>> he definitely went to their concerts (his favorite songs are birthmark and rosemary)

☆ Is the type to act surprised when a good song comes on and put the volume on blast while saying “Oh shit” even though it’s his own playlists

☆ his gym playlist consists of heavy metal or rock songs that get him in the mood to use all his strength. (and some phonk songs bc he likes to pretend he’s in a movie but he’d never admit that.) so a lot of Metallica, Type O negative, Pantera, and Slipknot

☆ I GET MAJOR TOJI VIBES WHEN I LISTEN TO ‘I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU’ BY THREE DAYS GRACE!!!!!!!

☆ as for hip/hop he likes in da club by 50 cent and and without me by Eminem. those real 2000s vibe songs. none of the new stuff. He actually really does like Eminem.

☆ like??? 3am by Eminem just sounds like him… real villain shit

☆ he also really likes outcast. so fresh so clean is his songgggg. He holds his fist up like a fake mic and says “don’t you think i’m so sexy i’m just so fresh so clean” then holds it up to your lips for you to say “so fresh and so clean clean” and he won’t move his hand until you say it. also quotes “the coolest motherfuckers on the planet” randomly.

☆ he prefers r&b songs for his sex playlist. slow and sensual songs. and one joke song that he plays Russian roulette with when he presses shuffle. It absolutely kills your mood but he laughs his ass off when you’re in the middle of fucking and all of a sudden the speakers are blaring “you get the limo out front… hottest styles, every shoe, every color.”

☆ This mf got a Hanna Montana song from your nostalgia playlist and thought it would be funny to include in the sex playlist…

☆ Okay Toji is the type of guy to not play music in the shower bc he’s a psycho and just takes 3 minute showers (we all know he doesn’t wanna rack up that water bill) BUT when he does.. it’s a quick playlist filled with songs he doesn’t really like so he can hurry up and get out.

☆ Okay the songs I feel like he’d actually listen to are way different than songs for the vibes he gives off…

☆ He gives off major ‘she knows’ vibes by Ne-Yo, and it’s because of that one edit on tiktok… lord bless those editors for taking two second clips of Toji and making it something so scrumptious

☆ ‘monster’ by lady Gaga is another vibe bc “he ate my heart” that part reminds me of him for some reason… he can eat more than just my heart :)))))))

☆ also ‘lights down low’ by maejor and ‘no hands’ by waka flocka.. literally frat boy vibes but its so fanon him right???

☆ any phonk song reminds me of him because tell me he wouldn’t listen to that shit just to get in the zone????

☆ the lost soul down (specifically the sped up version) is just so himmmmmm <33… again it’s probably because of all the edits but still!!

☆ shine dreams (also the sped up version) idk who it’s by there’s so many versions lol but just any song like that >>>

☆ I also think of him when I listen to ‘level7’ by OSAKA… idk something about it…

That’s all I have for now :)

[ask-the-four-lords]

Heisenburg ive got a few questions for one of the hottest men on the planet

Question 1 do u think u could beat magneto in a fight

Question 2 do u like bacon

Question 3 who's your most and least favorite of the 4 lords

Question 4 do u want help with your experiment's I have some really good ideas for some cyborgs

Question 5 which of the lords do u think u could best in a fight and which do u think u would tie with cause even I know u can't lose

Karl Heisenberg, hottest man on the planet, not just one of the hottest:

1: Oh fuck yeah! That guy is a fuckin' idiot! I have an army he has a stupid looking setta tights! He might have a shot in human form but I can become a god damn titan and the moment I do I'll tear him to shreds.

2: Dear god yes, it's easily top three, 'love that shit. Of course one of the few things I can't do is cook so a couple months back I programmed a machine to cook it perfectly, it's been like *mental math for an exact answer* half of my diet since. It's that or canned beans and military rations anyway. (I understand the intention I just wanted to write him ranting about actual bacon)

3. Here's my ranking list; my favorite of the lords is me. 2nd place is Donner, honestly I actually really like her, she's like the uh opposite of me which I guess is what makes 'er interesting. 3rd place is actually bitchius maximus, I absolutely fucking hate her but deep down I at least kinda respect her. My least favorite is Moreau, it's not that I don't like him, I actually, on a logical scale, am alright with him. He's probably the best guy o' the four of us, minus his love for that FUCKING MONSTER CROW HAG! But I just feel bad for him so I can never really manage to interact with him without feeling sick. It's the only thing that gets much emotion out of me these days, poor bastard.

4. It's very unlikely, but who knows, having a test subject or assistant could come in handy.

5. I know for a fact I could beat Donna, it'd be pretty damn easy if I'm being honest. I could definitely pulverize Moreau, he's pretty damn tough when it comes down to it, it's really all he has going for himself. But still he ain't got nothin' on me. Now unfortunately... *mentally prepares for multiple minutes* there's a solid chance I would tie with Lady D-Bag. It's a shame that'd really be impossible to get her in on the revolution hate her or not. Still, in the end I think if it was one of us, it would be me, because I'm Lord motherfucking Heisenberg. Who the hell do they think they are?!

[nekropsii]

Tell us about the Gay People. (Unreal Heir)

How’d they meet! What were some of their first impressions of eachother?

I owe you my life.

They met at a group meeting of sorts, focused on introducing the Patrons to the Players in person.

Their first impressions of each other... weren’t that great. Retris, disaster that he is, took one look at this bright yellow latex-clad motherfucker from across the room and thought he was, like, the hottest shit on the planet. Kept looking at him. Kinda hard not to, his whole look really just commands attention.

Mituna, on the other hand, was not having a great time at that party. Too many people, too much sound, too many conversations attempted, too many things happening, too much everything. It was overwhelming, and the overload was translating to anger. Not at anything in particular, just everything and nothing simultaneously, and just about anything that breathed in his direction was going to get lashed out at because of it.

Unfortunately, Mituna had come to this meeting with a specific goal in mind, and even though he was pissed and overwhelmed, he was very much so hellbent on completing that mission before leaving. And that mission was to meet the other team’s leader.

Retris is, unfortunately, that guy.

Retris was more than happy to speak with him. Getting approached seemed fucking awesome until he realized Mituna was a bit of a mean bastard, at least at that moment.

Picture this. Mituna kept asking around the Players who their Team Leader was, and, obviously, they kept saying that was Retris. As the party goes on, Mituna gets more overwhelmed, and thus more unstable and angry. At this point, he’s just mad that the Team Leader hasn’t shown himself- even though Retris was just like, sitting there, in the open, the entire time.

Retris is a pretty unassuming guy. He looks like some short idiot nerd in a turtleneck and a cape, because he is, in fact, a short idiot nerd in a turtleneck and a cape. Mituna walks straight up to him and asks where in the god damn shitting fuck is the leader, and Retris, obviously, replies by saying, “Oh, th4t’s me! C4n I help you?”

Mituna may or may not have laughed in his face and told him that no, he fucking isn’t. He may have accused him of lying and demanded to know where “the actual fucking leader is,” you know, to Retris’s face.

It kinda hurt Retris’s feelings. They were off on a pretty bad foot for a while- even after Mituna calmed down, him and Retris still essentially hated each other. It was based in misunderstanding. Retris couldn’t put his defenses down, and didn’t understand why Mituna was, in general, the way that he is. He was kinda mean to him because of it. Mituna reacted accordingly to this, and was defensively angry with him a lot. Just a lot of jumping the gun all around. Everyone was dead certain they were gonna end up in some kind of blackrom.

They didn’t, though. Despite all odds, they didn’t. But that’s for another post. :)

[anunvalidcritic]

Justice League: Snyder Cut

(DISCLAIMER: MY OPINION IS MY OWN AND CAN BE DEEMED INVALID TO THOSE WHO DON’T CARE FOR IT.)

Oh, the time has come my friends! Now, I originally did a review on Batman V.S. Superman and I didn’t care for it, so I deleted it. But before I start, I would like y’all to read this statement made by @verified-villain-fxcker - You can click HERE to read it. As I stated in my repost, I couldn’t have said it better. May Autumn Snyder continue to rest in peace. Let’s get started!

It’s been so long since I’ve made a post I can’t even remember how I do this LOL.

CLARK is outta there to say the least...

WONDER WOMAN and LOIS look flabbergasted, as they should... BRUCE as well.

Talk about a shock-wave scream 

All jokes aside, the hate that LEX has towards SUPERMAN is just to much energy to be giving to another person..

THESE BITCHIES ARE READY

why are they letting a minority approach the fucking the cube?!?!

*insert travel montage scene here*

                      Part 1 - “Don’t count on it, Batman.”

BRUCE knows damn well he’s talking to AQUAMAN. Let’s move this shit along lol

“Oh Gotham? How’s that shit hole?” - AQUAMAN

Ik these bitchies aren’t singing rofl

I’d sniff anything wore by Jason Momoa too.

“Maybe a man who broods in a cave isn’t cut out to be a recruiter.” - ALFRED

TALK YO SHIT ALFRED!!!!

AMY ADAMS can literally take my heart, step on it, throw it in a river and I still wouldn’t be mad. 

Here comes the lovely WONDER WOMAN!

broooo her hands were moving like Donnie Yen in Ip Man!

Fucked that entire ceiling up

Ofc the one who tried to touch it would make the stupid statement. 

STEPPENWOLF is really wildin’ out

Don’t look back! I hate it when they look back!!

These are some strong as women!

                             PART 2 - “The Age of Heroes”

“It’s toxic, that’s good.” - STEPPENWOLF

I can only imagine that this is how toxic people think. 

this dude really just threw that lil demon fella like it was nothin’ lmao

You know you're working at a job for too long when you say this is the first time in a while that they're going home early smdh

Now that shit was pretty lit....

SILAS thinkin’ shit I better check on my son. 

“You know a lot about monsters, don’t you? Especially how to make them.” - CYBORG

If that isn’t teen angst, then I don’t know wtf is lmao

Seeing Gal in this tomb makes me want to re-watch Wonder Woman 1 all over again!

DARKSEID ol’ trifflin’ ass

plopped him down like he was dirty laundry

God bless Willem Dafoe, this man is a fuckin’ legend!

“This world is divided. They’re a primitive species. Unevolved and at war with one another. Too separate to be one.” - STEPPENWOLF

DeSaad kinda looks like Doctor Doom in the Fantasic Four reboot lmao

GREEN LATERNS!!!!!!!!!!!! OH SHIT!!!!!!!!

we really need a Green Lantern Corps moving...

ZEUS + ARES = A Dynamic Duo When They Aren’t Being Dicks To Each Other

You know I feel bad for man because all they did was bury that shit in the ground rofl

                  Part 3 - “Beloved Mother, Beloved Son”

BARRY + IRIS = Love at First Sight 

The burger can’t be that good like damn. 

Bro the detail on his fucking shoes and the glass!!

ROFL PLEASE TELL ME HE TOOK THE HOTDOG FOR HIS DOG!?!? 

damn did the car really need to explode...

lol BARRY must really need the job lol

... I would’ve just played dead after he threw me against that rock...

Man of Steel probably has one of the best soundtracks not just for a superhero movie but just in general

Americans love their football!

I have this love-hate relationship with CYBORG being in the JL and not with the TITANS you know since he’s a kid, but he’s a college student in this one. 

Thank God DIANA spoke with VICTOR instead of BRUCE because I honestly don’t think he would’ve gotten him on board.

Everyone can literally zigzag zoom across this planet at undeniable speed except for BATMAN lol

Come on, VIC, help the lady out.

You know honestly, BARRY has a pretty cool pad for someone who's trying to get by paying for a Criminal Justice Degree. 

“A very attractive Jewish boy. Who drinks milk, I don’t drink milk.” - BARRY

“Fuck the World.” - CYBORG

dang Ik DIANA has every right to grieve over STEVE, but damn that man has her whipped!

“You’re looking at the hottest thing on Earth. The exact same thing I said to my prom date. She dumped me anyway.” - RYAN CHOI

Why does MERA have an accent in this but not in AQUAMAN?? (ik the answer)

DAAAYYUUUMMMN MERA TURNED INTO A WHOLE BLOOD BENDER!

                               PART 4 - “Change Machine”

CYBORG just glided over silently

STEPPENWOLF + WONDER WOMAN = EPIC FIGHT SCENE

Seeing BARRY move like that to stop the debris and to ping DIANA’S sword really is amazing..

But he should not be screaming like that LOL

How do you not remember the planet that’s habitants almost killed you?? Because if that was me, I wouldn’t have forgotten that shit at all!

 Would've held a big ass grudge until I could go back. 

“I know we’re all thinking the same thing right now. Who’s gonna say it? I’m not gonna say it.” - BARRY

WOOOAAHHH J’ONN JONES?! (forgot about that)

 “There are six, not five. There is no us without him.” - BRUCE

Damn, no faith at all 

                         PART 5 - “ALL The King’s Horses”

ICONIC DIALOGUE

BARRY - “Wonder Woman. What do you think, man? You think she’d go for a younger guy?”

VICTOR - “She’s 5,000 years old, Barry. Every guy is a younger guy.”

I would’ve kept swippin’ that ID like a cashier at Wal-Mart swippin’ a debit card.

They're movin’ a little too slow for me. Ik they’ve never been on the ship before, but I would’ve been zoomin’ through that entire ship just to hurry and get the job done. 

NOT THE PREGNANCY TEST

Damn, they couldn’t have at least picked up the photo??

The foreshadowing was spectacular! It will always amaze me. 

I’m sure Allstate will cover that person’s car...

Just when LOIS was about to move on. 

CLARK grabbed DIANA like miss me with that Rafiki shit.

I would’ve come back to my senses too after looking at Amy Adams. 

AQUAMAN + THE FLASH = A CONUNDRUM

DR. SILAS takin’ one for the team

                              PART 6 - “Something Darker”

As crazy as radiation is, it’s quite an amazing spectacle.

I wish this Justice League movie could’ve held off until we got some other heroes such as the Green Lanterns, Hawkgirl, and many others. 

Our generation was truly blessed to have an incredible actor as SUPERMAN, and we are not putting him to use!

JONATHAN sounds like President Biden lol

Alright, team?! Break!

AQUAMAN is totally enjoying this fight. He rode that Parademon like a surfboard.

AQUAMAN + CYBORG + FLASH = *THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN*

I swear every scene that WONDER WOMAN enters into does not fail to include the “Ancient Lamentation Music”. 

VICTOR hurry up and say “one” god damnnit!!

SUPERMAN COLD!!!!

Somebody needs to put this fight on WorldStar

BARRY = HE’S A RUNNA HE’S A TRACK STAHHHHARRR!!!

THAT WAS FUCKING IMMACULATE

The Unity  = The Three Bitchies

I bet DARKSEID will remember that shit now

                        EPILOGUE - “A Father Twice Over”

VICTOR = A Final Requiem

LOL VULKO and MERA look stressed tf out!

“Uh, I have too much to live for. And more important things to do.” - LEX

A cocky motherfucker LMAO

Alright, we’re back in this type of dream sequence. 

“Who have you ever loved?” - MERA

Uh, bitch his parents, Robin tf?!

Thank you, JOKER, for stating the facts for Ms. Fish-stick

 Oh shit, they let LOIS die, goddamn it!

HARLEY’S DEAD TOO?!?!?!

BRUCE LOOK SICK AF!!!

Well, the dream is over once again...

I just don’t see how people can live with all those fuckin’ windows. 

“Oh, and some have called me The Martian Manhunter.” - J’ONN

Alright...

________

Yes, the movie was long but what needed to be expressed was. As we already the Snyder Cut wasn’t supposed to be seen because a father simply wanted to grieve the death of his child. I’ll once again reiterate what @verified-villain-fxcker you don't have to like the film but at least give it the benefit of the doubt from its predecessor. For me, I did enjoy watching his version, but let’s be honest what he who shall not be named did was just fucked up. 

[official-lucifers-child]

how are you so confident in yourself? I'm trying really hard to express myself the ways I want too but it's really hard rn

i had an epiphany a while ago!! basically: i’m never gonna be any happier as someone else. nothing matters anyway, except my happiness and what i want to do with myself. other people do not matter, what other people think doesn’t matter. if i am happy and comfortable then that is good.

think about it

when has someone else’s opinion of you really actually affected you? that barista in the coffee shop who thinks you look funny? doesnt matter. pizza delivery guy who liked your pyjama pants? doesn’t matter. teachers judging your choice of hair colour? doesn’t matter.

it’s just. it doesn’t matter

why would you be anyone else? why would you NOT be yourself? of course if you have safety concerns like being out to family, bullies at school, etc, you should stay safe. that’s why i am not out to my dad, why i allow my teachers to use she/her pronouns for me exclusively, etc etc.

but other people don’t fucking matter. they just don’t, point blank.

wear that shirt, wear those shoes, cut your hair and bleach it, put on a pound of makeup, dress up in a full victorian-sequence outfit to go to the grocery store. whatever makes you happy, just do it. just fucking do it. no regrets, other people don’t matter, just go for it and don’t look back once.

ALSO: it’s not an overnight thing!! i wasn’t suddenly completely self-confident and self-assured!! i’m still not 100%!! it will take time, dont flood yourself all at once. change one manageable thing, then maybe another, then another. go through your clothes one day and get rid of everything you don’t wear anymore. the next time you’re getting clothes, really think about what you want. maybe add in one “daring” thing to hangenit up a bit. maybe you dye your hair a semi-permanent colour, and then the next time you bleach and dye it. little steps that you can manage

and positive self-talk!! you will never EVER feel completely confident if you put yourself down. if there’s anything i would recommend you do/change, it’s the way you talk about yourself. self-deprecation is out, positive self talk is in. take a selfie and post it with the caption “i’m the most fabulous person in this household”. no more “i’m ugly :D” or “i’m worthless”. stop. no. dont. stop that first. step one: stop it

i don’t care what you think of yourself. no more self-deprecation. fake it till you make it. i don’t care if you think you are the ugliest motherfucker on the planet. you act like you just got asked to be a damn model okay? act so self-confident it’s disgusting. look at yourself fin the mirror and be every popular teenage girl acting like they’re the hottest shit since sliced bread.

okay?

basically: other people’s opinions don’t fucking matter, whatever makes you happy and comfortable is best, no more self-deprecation.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Italy brings the rock’n’roll youth of tomorrow to Rotterdam 2021

It’s the final day of doing my yet again botched attempt at a review series and I’ve been dying to post my gigantic write-up for my newly beloved Italy, at the top of the bookies, darling of all hearts, ready to rock Eurovision, and even more! Vai vai~

ARTIST & ENTRY INFO

Representing them this year is Måneskin, a band made up of four - singer and possibly the hottest motherfucker to grace the planet Earth Damiano, guitarist Thomas, drummer Ethan, and the cherry on top - bassist Victoria, whose half-Danish heritage is the reason Måneskin is called Måneskin (= Moonshine). They thought of this name at a “battle of the bands” that they won, thinking they might as well change it to something different, but in the end... say it with me now

They have known each other since highschool, made a band in 2016, won the “battle of the bands”, started out making a living as buskers in the streets of Rome, from which they gradually grew through playing small gigs, and later tried out for X Factor Italia season 11, on which they came 2nd.

They went on to release an EP titled after their debut single of the name of the song above, including some of their X Factor covers, and later on got to get big through releasing an album, getting it certified all kinds of goodnesses, having singles from that album be popular, even releasing a documentary of themselves... they’ve done so much in life and they’re only 20-22 years old... aw man, the life is just ahead of them, for them to be so young and win Sanremo on their first try. (And I’ve always wanted them for Eurovision ever since I was aware of their existence, because their music is very nice, and they just feel like charming human beings. So imagine my joy seeing them announced for Sanremo 2021? And them WINNING months later??? man what kind of luck do I have even if just for a year lmao <333)

“Zitti e buoni”, the last song title alphabetically this year, is purely of the band’s making, and the lyrics are talking about not abiding the rules in general, how they’re out of their minds but they’re not like “them”, and how people talk but don’t know what they’re talking at all.

REVIEW

IT’S A PRETTY CRAZY GOOD ROCK SONG AMEN HALLELUJAH OPRAH WOOOOOOO

wbk I love it. Yeah sure it might be composited of something that sounds like standard rock riffs and what not, but it’s the ENERGY that goes into it that gets me more excited for this than for Finland, a fellow rock song of this year’s final.

Damiano’s vocals have the specific kind of rockstar tinge to them, and they’re very complimenting to the song. The way he says everything is beautiful, the “e buonasera signore e signori” line in particular is just a moment that shows the beginning of power somehow, I don’t know. The chorus is great, eventhough it’s just one line repeated but it changes the pronoun each time (going from “I’m out of my mind” to “you’re out of your mind” to “we’re out of my mind”) - MAGICAL.

And the bridge. YES, the bridge. Along with the outro it’s the best part of the song. The chord progression. The lines repeated on that bridge. The emotions going on. The delivery of the lines of the emotion. It’s a convincing little bridge, to the point that it sounds just as great with violins! Wish they brought one, because according to Love Love Peace Peace, nothing screams winner quite like a violin.

God damn to the Måneskinsters pump this song up to the maximum. It was originally a ballad song, and I think that’s for the better for them to present it as a rock song, because a Sanremo ballad in a pool of Sanremo ballads... unless it stands out according to demoscopic & press juries, and there seems to be a no better option at hand that could make them stand out other than just sending a classy ballad, it just fizzles out in a spectacularly lame fashion. Måneskin’s one real shot through was with a song that would make them stand out, and they did it, and they’re here.

Everyone has put in their work, their passion, their skills into this, and it shows off in spades. Måneskin themselves are fantastic and chill human beings, who too, just like Flo Rida, get to enjoy how crazy amazing Eurovision experience is. And for that I salute them with my whole heart. Whatever they do tonight on Eurovision, they’ll leave a lasting mark in it. And for a good reason.

Also an Italian Eurovision edit that doesn’t suck, once again, yay! (In their defense, they didn’t have a whole lot to work with, so they released theirs early - just a few trimmings here and there, and a lyric change so that they skate by EBU easier with their anti-swearing policies. Gahddamn swearing~)

Approval factor: FUCK YES Follow-up factor: The funny thing about this is that last year their entry is about making noise but the song was a love ballad, this year it’s a song titled “shut up and behave” while dressed in a loudest motherfucking musical setting lol. Fuck the rules! It was solely on the Sanremo’s last year’s winner Diodato not to send an entry he thought that would fit for Sanremo, and that’s good on him - he can return next year replenished as all hell, and maybe aim for the trophy again? wishful thinking? aaaa. Anyway on a personal scale “Zitti e buoni” is a marvelous follow-up from “Fai rumore”, even if skipping 2020 entirely, especially after “Soldi”, which was already a fab follow-up after “Non mi avete fatto niente”, and even from “Occidentali’s Karma” on. And so it is subjectively a good follow-up. Italy SLAYS. AQ factor: As I write this, the odds are very much in their favour, if not a little bit too persuaded over the fact that Måneskin gave a good rock performance and knew what they would be doing, or it’s just that the Italians like overbetting for their acts way too damn much. But nevertheless, I just wanna hope for them to break the expectations people set on rock songs in Eurovision and SMASH themselves a victory. Or a top 2. Or a top 5-10. Anything will do, goddamn.

NF CORNER

Well, I promised that I will talk about Sanremo in a NF corner, because this is the first year I actually cared to watch it myself, unlike when I would’ve sided with someone whose reviewing style I love in not caring to watch it, and usually just check all the songs on the last day lol.

One thing about Sanremo that I sorely underestimate is that a handful of artists on there can come across as very versatile, and the one song you loved of one genre they presented several years ago, can be completely different and leave you baffled for days if you’re not very familiarized with their discography and the Italian music scene in general. Which now I’m going to pay an extreme amount of attention towards following Sanremo 2022 on out because hot damn did I never see gems like Willie Peyote coming!

Did I call him a gem over his entry? Yes, somehow. Am I even sure if I’m being serious?

I think I can somewhat agree when I say that for the international fam watching Sanremo at least, “Mai dire mai (La locura)” was a major expectation destroyer, at least for the crowd whose main lookouts in a lineup like this years were Ermal Meta, Annalisa, Arisa, etc. You know they’re gonna bring a ballad, and their ballads are usually decent, but what about the unexpected? That’s where a handful of acts, including Willie, comes in for me. The bass hooks in the second the song starts. The beat is minimalistic but strong enough to slap. The steady rap flow is mesmerizing, paired with that somewhat specifically Italian(?) vocal timbre. The chorus is greatly catchy, and it is a sung chorus, with this song still being largely a rap song. The electric-esque guitar soundwaves interspersed throughout the song are magnificent and magical, and on the chorus they even make a constant melody riff that repeats and may get annoying on multiple listens, but I still adore them. I really love the bridge as well and all that goes into it. A fantastic surprise of the season for me personally.

Now I figure that the lyrics may hinder the enjoyment for some, especially the points raised in some lines that may seem questionable and shady (if this went to Eurovision and got a “twerking” comment on Youtube, I will not be surprised if the description of choice is “patriarchic twerking”), but am I supposed to be fully offended at some points of it if I’m not its target audience, although I see some of what I do nowadays in those lines? “Mai dire mai” is probably dedicated to the Italian media and the Italian trends and what not. I’m not even disappointed it didn’t win, because if it went to Eurovision, it would’ve likely been met like a lesser “Occidentali’s Karma” - catchy song with lyrics that fly over listener’s heads which might as well be very accidentally mocking how we live our lives.

“Mai dire mai” has just less of a memorability-in-history value and no memorable gimmicks (Francesco had a gorilla, what is it visually going for on Willie’s performance?), besides, it would’ve suffered even WORSE post-Eurovision-edit than OK has - a lot of the bits and bobs that pass me by but when I notice them they make a really great entry, but other than the (presumably copyrighted) removal of a sample from a TV series (spoken by a fish character, nonetheless), what else is there to remove???? With Eurovision’s rules specifying that brands (Spotify, TikTok) and swearwords (lots of the good old Italian ones that Italian radios would digitally scratch out to emphasize that there were a LOT in the second verse) can’t be sung live, the song loses some of its lyrical charm. And you can’t just go around the song like Francesco Gabbani chopping off entire verses full of content full of witty lyrics and a reference to Chanel in order to present the more lyrically singable-along-to lines and not let go of the long chorus to whom his gorilla can dance to. “Mai dire mai” is RIFE with lyrics, that’s what a rap song is. It would have absolutely fallen apart.

Also no one paged it as a potential Eurovision winner during Sanremo, at least seriously, and it doesn’t have much that would have clicked with the future Eurovision generation and contestants when they would be asked to name their favourite Eurovision song of all times. In a world where from Italy they really like “Grande amore” and “Soldi” and even sometimes could name “Occidentali’s Karma”, is there really a place for “Mai dire mai (La locura)” over “Zitti e buoni”? Who would be naming that song as their favourite of all time? If you raised a hand, you lie to yourself, because that would’ve been me.

Now I don’t know how many of the Tumblr fam would draw ire at me putting out paragraphs worth of me being ultra positive towards this song, because as I’ve learned, there’s an ironic and unironic audience for Mr. Peyote on Tumblr especially, but for me I guess it was pretty worthy, also a thing I was finally able to yell off my chest since, and now I finally said it, I will continue streaming “Mai dire mai (La locura)” in peace.

He might’ve not won Sanremo, but his song won the equally important Mia Martini Critics Award, and also, my heart. Rest in broken shards of the Boris aquarium, my sweet cynical prince~

Måneskin were my 2nd after him so I’m equally happy they won. But what about my other favourites?

• Extraliscio ft. Davide Toffolo - Bianca luce nera A diluted version of the liscio genre, still makes for a very fascinatingly catchy and swaying song with lots of great instruments that are violins and a clarinet. What I figure is kinda a love song. Their performances were also great, with lots of dancers on stage and a genuinely great fun to be had, and you may remember them more after their performance in cover night, which was titled “Rosamunda”. They were the ones with their main singer’s guitar spinning for whatever reason that was there to make their song catchy, I guess.

• Lo Stato Sociale - Combat Pop A little bit of a far cry from their glory heydays with 2nd place in Sanremo 2018, but they returned with an equally banging song and an amazing set of performance chaos they brought in each and every time - dedicating their first night’s one to making a performance to not forget (and being the ones of two to reference the great Bugo&Morgan incident from last year, the other being Willie Peyote), the second competitive one was for referencing politics, and so on.

• Colapesce & Dimartino - Musica leggerissima Sweet melancholic song with the shades of Sebastien Tellier kinda sound, this song may seem jolly at first, but the especially melancholic undertones denote that there’s something else going on. It’s actually about depression, as that’s what the term “musica leggerissima” (very light music) means. But it still found a heart in Italian listeners and the Italian world finally woke up to how great Antonio Di Martino and Lorenzo “Colapesce” Urciullo are, and a handful of viewers were slightly heartbroken to see it not place in the superfinal top 3. Who knows if they would’ve actually won over Måneskin. I just know that their rollerskater girlie is so damn fine~

Bugo has also returned but I think his redemption arc started off the wrong foot, as his return entry, “E invece si”, was a bloated showtune ballad and got obnoxious to listen to at part. I declared to myself that night when I first heard the new entry that regarding on what made “Sincero” great, I side with Morgan.

And a special shout out to Ghemon, whose 2019 song was more than just a “purple rose” unlike I noted on a last proper Italian entry review. I don’t know what expectations I had for him, but I certainly wanted to love “Momento perfetto” more at the first listen, which was also somewhat of a show-tuney piece, but with a bit more funk and pizzazz, also Ghemon was VERY much vibing with his song, and that made me feel great for the few other performances of it that I saw the following days. It’s definitely a grower song, and around 2 months after Sanremo I fell into a bit of a rabbit-hole of his earlier music discovering, and I may be a bit exaggerating but, give Ghemon a bit more of acknowledgement and a stellar enough song, and with a little bit of magic touch, I can maybe see him lifting the Golden Lion trophy one day. Don’t ask why. (also lovely music video for his 2021 entry, which replaces continuous spinning in an aesthetic area to everybody moving their body in a diner (hopefully with everyone in the MV tested and been negative for long enough for the MV to actually happen).)

NF CORNER (NON-COMPETITIVE)

There’s so much needed to be discussed about there. So I’ll restrict myself to the moments that I remember and cherish:

• Rosario Fiorello. Just. Him.

• And the gentleman next to him, Achille Lauro.

tw // body piercing

Belarus 2018 could never

Fiorello and Lauro are perfect matches to each other’s worlds of imagination, and I was more than ever glad to see so much creativity coming from each one of them, a host and a nightly interval act respectively.

• Once again, “Rosamunda Medley” by Extraliscio, I didn’t watch the cover night in its entirety but I think it’s good enough of a medley if it got a 3rd place from the cover night from the orchestra!

• Sanremo Newcomers section of this year. I liked or vibed to almost every song out of the 8, and I’m decently happy with the winner, but if there’s one big shoutout I really want to make, is to “Regina” by Davide Shorty, for it’s such a cozy funky little love song that always makes me happy when I hear it. My personal winner preference, but I don’t mind Davide getting 2nd! For as long as he gets to place 1st in a future main Sanremo event hihihihihi

• Diodato proving himself to be a dance king at the beginning of his “Che vita meravigliosa” performance, my good Twitter friend made a bunch of videos where he dances to a lot of songs, as per request, check them out and you won’t forget it.

• Since Sanremo 2021 got rid of the audience as per COVID regulations and much to Amadeus’s dread, there ended up quite a handful of audience related memes. Such as the penis balloon et al.

• Remember when Sanremo 2021 audience was supposed to be whisked away in a cruise ship for safety measures? Pepperidge Farm remembers

• SESSO IBUPROFENEEEEEEEE

The guy that sang this song actually has the same birthday as me, so in my eyes, I feel like he has some charm to it. I’m biased lol sorry

There’s way too many more but I am afraid of flooding my post beyond your readability interest. Let’s hope that, in an event of Italy’s victory or non, we’ll get to see an even more iconic event of Sanremo emerge come the future. <3

ANY LAST WORDS?

Måneskin’s big goal was to rock Eurovision, and I think they’ve greatly accomplished that by just... doing what they do best, and that is, rocking. They leave energy lasting for days.

In bocca al lupo, fam. You’ll nail it, and even if you don’t win, Italy shouldn’t not hail you as national heroes after it’s all over.

[lamesiscanon]

Ticklish Remus

Remus has never been tickled by his parents. It’s really not a big deal, they just didn’t tickle their baby, especially not after he was bitten. Remus was so skinny and frail looking after being bitten they were scared anything like that would hurt him. Besides, Remus really wasn’t a fan of touch. Hugs were nice, but that was it. Any other little touch, no matter how small or simple, made him jump. His skin would feel weird, he would shiver and then it was gone. He wasn’t really familiar with what ticklish meant until one of the neighborhood boys explained it to him while they were playing on the street. They were both young, and the boy couldn’t describe it very well, nor tried to tickle Remus. He just answered the odd question. 

By the time he got to Hogwarts, Remus knew what it meant, but still didn’t know what it felt like, or why people laughed when they were tickled. It just seemed like a silly thing. It wasn’t important, so he didn’t think about it.

One evening he sat on his bed in the boy’s room, listening to Peter and James laugh and joke while he also read the book his mum had sent him. 

“Pete, are you ticklish?” Remus didn’t even notice the scream of attack and the scream of terror this question then caused as James jumped towards Peter, and their tickle war broke out. At some point, Sirius had come in the room and joined their silly fight as well. Remus didn’t get it, what was so amusing about tickling each other? Why was it so funny to the person who was getting tickled? 

After a minute, the tickle war dies down and the boys sit up, laughing and out of breath. Sirius brushed his hair from his eyes, and James straightened his glasses. Remus arched an amused eyebrow before turning back to his book. 

Sirius looked towards Remus then, apparently noticing the boy for the first time since entering the room and repeated the same question James had asked Peter a few minutes ago. 

“Hey, Remus, are you ticklish?” Sirius asked, and Remus looked up from his book again, surprised by the question. James and Peter are looking at him now with faces Remus can guess show their wonder on why he didn’t join their fight. 

“I don’t know.” he admits, very simply. James laughs a bit, and after a while Peter and Sirius join in, thinking it was a joke. 

“You’re not getting out of this, Lupin. We’ll tickle you no matter the answer, just tell the truth.” James grinned in what was probably supposed to look falsely threatening, but still just looked like a delighted little kid. 

“I did.” Remus closed his book this time, putting it down beside him. The other boys looked at him in shock, apparently not expecting that answer. 

“What do you mean?” Peter asks, and Remus turns towards him. Both looked at each other with confused expressions.

“I’ve never been tickled before.” Remus shrugs, thinking that was it. The three continued to look at him in shock for a few seconds, before they are springing up form their spots on the floor and running after Remus, whose quick instincts already had him running out the door. They chase him all the way out onto the school grounds near the lake, Remus outrunning them easily. They didn’t find out if he was ticklish that day. 

Tickling seemed to be just a normal thing people do, but Remus just doesn’t notice it (he’s not exactly paying attention to that sort of thing anyway.) All friends do it when they’re teasing each other, play fighting, or just looking to have a laugh. Well, except Remus. He doesn’t even notice until one day when Sirius is begging him to go to the lake to do homework, even though it’s getting cold and the wind would blow their stuff everywhere. Sirius is so used to tickling James and Peter to get them to laugh themselves to agreeing that he forgets Remus doesn’t do tickles. 

“Come on, Rem.” Sirius whines, while reaching over to quickly tickle his stomach. Remus jumps and yelps, his homework sliding off of his lap and onto the floor. His eyes widen in horror, being tickled and letting out such an embarrassing noise in front of the common room, but the people around him just chuckle. Remus looks up at Sirius, whose grin is so mischievous a joyful, it scares Remus a bit. 

“Guess you are ticklish, Rem.” 

It’s a secret Remus never knew he had and desperately wished it would have stayed that way. 

The Gryffindor boys learn very soon not to tickle Remus, despite the newly discovered fact that he is extremely ticklish. They find out pretty quick that Remus cannot control the flail of his arms and legs when he is being tickled, and they will swing like the Whomping Willows branches, hurting you just as bad too. After a week Frank has two black eyes, James had four bloody noses, and Peter had very dark bruises on his arm. It was a ‘proceed at own risk’ situation if they decided to tickle him. 

Sirius, however, seemed to walk away from tickling Remus unscathed every time. Remus hated it. He had to be on alert now for the boy to come jumping out at him from nowhere and declare a sudden tickle fight that Remus could never win because Sirius wasn’t nearly as ticklish as Remus was. It only ever ended when Sirius was able to make the laughing boy say something stupid like “Sirius Black is the coolest Gryffindor.”

It continued like that for their first few years as friends. Tickling became a special marauder thing, like cuddling and kissing each other’s cheeks, it was another little sign of affection. 

But Sirius did it a bit too often. 

Remus’ laugh when he was being tickled was so beautiful and young, he kind of became obsessed with hearing it. It was one of the first signs to Sirius that he liked Remus. Like like, as in, a romantic sort of way. Soon their tickle wars became one of his favorite things. They could laugh and roll and wouldn’t quit until one boy got the other to say something stupid. 

One special night when the boys had started a tickle war out of boredom while James and Peter were serving a detention with McGonagall, Sirius had Remus pinned under him, the boy’s laughter so contagious and pretty. Fuck, part of Sirius never wanted to stop tickling his friend if it meant being able to hear that laugh forever. The other half of him, was an egotistical shit. 

“Admit you think I’m the hottest motherfucker on the planet and I’ll let you go!” Sirius said. Remus seemed to laugh harder, still trying to fight back but no luck as Sirius was literally straddling him. The thought brought a few unwanted images he quickly pushed out of his head. 

“I’m not saying that, you daft mutt, get off of me.” Remus tried tickling back, but Sirius’ hands were too quick. They both knew Remus could easily push him off, but it always felt unfair to both of them, so the only way to win a real tickle war was to get the opponent to say uncle. 

“Awww, why Moony? You don’t think I’m pretty?” Sirius pouted his lips, and for a second, stopped tickling his flailing friend. Remus calmed down a bit, still laughing and a bit out of breath. He looked up at the boy above him before smiling his crooked smile. 

“You know I think you’re really fit, actually.” Remus admitted. The words took a bit to process in Sirius’ brain, and in the second of surprise, Remus moved quickly and reversed their positions. 

“Ow, you cheating genius.” Sirius winced a little at the sudden whiplash. Remus was now the one who had his knees on Sirius’ hands, pinning them down.

“It’s not cheating, I really meant it.” he moved one hand to tickle him while the other knocked gently on his forehead. “Now name ten Honeydukes sweets.” It was the only way Remus would let Sirius go. 

Sirius squinted his eyes in concentration. 

“Pumpkin pasties... licorice wands... sugar quills...” 

For a second Sirius thought about it, trying to wriggle free. After adding chocolate frogs to the list, he was able to slip his wrists out and the boys were once again rolling on the floor of the dorm room. 

Sirius was able to gain control for the second time, and sat on Remus, but this time, didn’t tickle him. 

“Do you really think I’m hot?” Sirius smirked down at him. Remus rolled his eyes. 

“You really don’t need me to say anything else that will make your head swell even more, Black.” Remus tried to wriggle free, but Sirius kept a firm grip on his wrists. He just looked down at the boy, looking closely. 

He’s so beautiful

Remus noticed the playful atmosphere shift to a more serious one. 

“I think that it would take a blind idiot to not notice how attractive you are, Padfoot.” Remus looked so sincere, Sirius forgot to keep pinning Remus down. It didn’t matter, neither of them moved. 

“I...” Sirius really didn’t know what to say. “I think you’re cute too.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. 

“I admit you’re fit, and all I get is cute?” Sirius knows Remus is teasing, but he feels like he should still add something. 

“I think you’re laugh is one of the best things I’ve ever heard in my life and I love tickling you so I can make you laugh. I think you’re smarter than anyone I know, and when you come up with things to make me say to get out off the tickle wars you won, they’re always super clever.” Sirius spits out, because it’s the only thing he can think to say.

“Oh.” Remus breathes out. Sirius is really thinking that he has to get the hell out of here before he confesses everything. 

As if he could read his mind, Remus grabs Sirius hands, which had moved to rest on Remus’ chest. 

“I think you’re super smart. I think you’re loyal and you would do anything for your friends and I admire how quick your comebacks are and how easily you can defend someone like me.” Remus admits, and he’s having similar thoughts to Sirius. 

Stop, before you ruin your friendship

He doesn’t. 

“I think that right now, I really want to kiss you.” Remus adds.

This is it, you’ve ruined it. Way to go you bloody - 

“Then do it.” Sirius says. It interrupts his thoughts, sounding so certain, like he’s waited forever for this too. 

So Remus does.

It’s everything the boys have held in for the last few years. Soft and still at first, then getting deeper. At some point, Remus sits up and leans against his bed, Sirius still on his lap. 

When they break apart, they sprout equally lame grins on their faces. 

“I think you being ticklish is the best thing to ever happen.” Sirius says, playing with Remus’ hair. Remus strokes his thumb on the other boy’s back in response. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t notice how much I like you. I thought it was as obvious as how ticklish I am.” Remus said back. 

Sirius laughed, and put his mouth back on Remus’. 

[devotedtocherries]

Wine drunk is the best drunk state you can be

Honestly i feel so much more in control when i drink a lot of wine rather than a lot of beer

And honestly i feel like the hottest motherfucker on the planet

[cloakedstoryteller]

Man 2 of my exams just came in and my grade just jumped from a 59 to a 79. College is fucking insane.

On the other hand, I do now feel like the hottest motherfucker on the planet. I jumped like 3 grades damn. I am going to be insufferable about this.

[booksandicedmatcha]

i wear one (1) tucked in button-up shirt and heeled boots and suddenly i feel like the hottest motherfucker on the planet

[oldmyths]

hiya drew, what are a couple bands/songs you'd recommend for someone interested in getting into classic rock? I hope you're having a great day

hey anon! this is an extremely loaded question! sdfjdfkgjd (and i’m really flattered you’re askin me, because, omg, it’s an honor)

(under a read more bc i talk too god damn much)

okay. lemme preface this by saying i barely scratch the surface when it comes to classic rock. in fact i just like the “popular” classic rock bands, because i’m a hipster loser (and i grew up on some of this stuff and don’t really have much of an interest venturing further but hey, who knows, maybe i’ll expand my spotify library in due time)

there are people on this website in the CR fandom who are so much better equipped to answer this, but u asked me, and i never really bothered to integrate into the cr fandom anyway because i feel like theyre all cooler than me and i just wanna sit down and listen to like, the same two albums on repeat, but anyway. to answer your question…

it really just depends on what genre you like. what kind of music you want to get into; i can sit here and tell you to listen to pink floyd and go on about their significance but i can’t make you Like them yknow?

so…..i’m just gonna list a few of my favorite songs by the most well-known classic rock bands because, like i said i just kind of barely scratch the surface on the classic rock format as a whole

as some of you may be aware, i am drew “beatlefucker” angelshane (thanks ana) and to get these bug boys out of the way, i’ll give u some song recs from the beatles! (early 1960s to 1970) (genres: rock, pop, psychedelia)

surely you’ve heard of them; if not, they caused a huge uproar across the world called beatlemania. think of like…tumblr, as a planet, and the beatles is the newest, hottest anime of the season, and everybody’s got a huge heart boner for them. because that’s basically what it was.

here are some of their songs that have been in my head for the past few days: drive my car (rubber soul, 1965); eleanor rigby (revolver, 1966); and if i fell (a hard day’s night, 1964)

revolver is the most recent album i’ve listened to, they have more but the next proper Album is sgt. pepper and that feels…like. so much. it’s a Huge Album, both content-wise and…history-wise? anyway, it’s very intimidating for me and i think i want to take my time with it before i rush in

i’m just gonna get led zeppelin (late 1960s to 1980, some reunions sprinkled here and there,) out of the way, now, too. (genres: hard rock, blues rock, folk rock, heavy metal)

let me just say right here: i hate jimmy page. as a person. and i honestly think most of his solos aren’t…that great. but for real, i won’t tolerate any of that ugly shithead on my blog and just because i like LZ doesn’t mean i condone any of the shit he did.

(you’ll notice a trend, especially in the older bands, that controversy is super common. u can’t..really get into classic rock without having to see the darker side of your faves. it sucks, nobody’s perfect, and i don’t agree with separating the artist from the art, but it does get hard to like certain music when you know the shit that happened with certain artists.)

Anyway! that being said, i truthfully only really listen to led zeppelin and led zeppelin ii. some physical graffiti but, eh. So, if you wanted to get into lz, you’re askin the wrong person, is what i’m saying jfkgsdj

here’s my song recs: good times bad times and dazed and confused (led zeppelin, 1968); whole lotta love and ramble on (led zeppelin ii, 1969); kashmir (physical graffiti, 1975)

and honestly the JP thing is why i don’t really listen to LZ much outside of their self titled and lz2. cos like. i just can’t.

QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN (1970s to…now? personally, if freddie mercury isn’t involved then..is it really queen) (genre: rock)

if you don’t know who queen is, you know who queen is. bohemian rhapsody? of course you know that song. everyone does.

but if you don’t then that’s perfectly ok too. it’s a good song imo. not their Best, but it’s good

i gotta be honest, i listen to singles mostly. i’ve got a lot on my proverbial plate and while i Love freddie mercury (bi king) sometimes i’m just. not in the headspace for queen. they’re good but a certain specific set of circumstances need to happen where i feel aligned with queen music enough to listen to it. also, freddie’s death makes me really sad and if i think about it too hard i’ll get depressed.

here’s my favorite queen songs!!!

brighton rock and killer queen (sheer heart attack, 1974); you’re my best friend (a night at the opera, 1975); somebody to love and GOOD OLD FASHIONED LOVER BOY (a day at the races, 1976); TOO MUCH LOVE WILL KILL YOU (made in heaven, 1996)

honestly..queen is so influential and inspiring and i fucking love freddie mercury so like. those are just a few of my favorites. i could honestly go on forever about it but let’s stop there

now let’s get away from the boys and talk about stevie nicks because she is my mother and i would die in her place given the chance. i love her. I Love Her.

but i mean you’d probably better begin at fleetwood mac (late 1960s to the mid 1990s; late 1990s to …now?) (genres: pop rock, soft rock, blues rock, art pop, british blues)

this is a band i don’t know much about. because there’s apparently so much to know about them, so much inter-band dynamic drama. from what i’ve skimmed. So Much Drama.

i…can’t provide any songs for you, because i dont listen to fleetwood mac and i need to fix this ASAP but i feel like the time isn’t right yet. is that dumb of me to think? probably, but i’m gonna stick by my guns.

you should listen to fleetwood mac and tell me what you think!!!

(yes i included a portion on stevie nicks without giving song recs because i’m awful: listen to edge of seventeen, bella donna, 1981)

okay back to smelly dudes cos that’s all the world fuckin cares about i guess

pink floyd!!! (mid 1960s to mid 1990s, mid 2000s, and early/mid 2010s) (genres: progrock, art rock, psychedelic rock)

i mean i love them but i’m just dipping my toes in the water here. i’ve barely listened to them, but from what i’ve heard they’re very good. VERY politically driven. i cannot stress this enough. they’re the good kind of politics i think though

you’ve most definitely seen the album art for the dark side of the moon. like, you just have. there’s probably no way you couldn’t have. (but if u haven’t thats fine)

here’s some tunes: money (tdsotm, 1973); the wall. just. the wall. if you love concept albums, here you go. listen to the wall.

that’s all i got. pathetic, i know, but i’m workin my way up i promise

here’s where we get into more familiar territory. ..having said that, i don’t really know much about the history of the rolling stones, but a good friend of mine Does and maybe i can pry info out of her. but i won’t bc she’s too cool 4 school and she’s really great

anyway, the rolling stones!!! (early 1960s to like. now i guess) (genres: rock, blues, blues rock, rock and roll)

woof. what can be said about them really. there’s…..almost too much to say. i love them a lot.

Okay when i get into bands, its in my DNA to listen from the very earliest recording i can find (usually on spotify nowadays) so i’ve been sslowly working my way past the baby pebbles albums (mostly covers) to their original work (fun fact did you know john and paul of beatles fame wrote their own music, and when mick and keith of stones fame found out it was In Fact That Easy they began to write their own music too? fascinating.)

ANYWAY here’s some stones songs: gimme shelter and you can’t always get what you want (let it bleed, 1969); angie (goats head soup, 1973); sympathy for the devil (beggars banquet, 1968)

again i am….Slowly inching my way up their discography. snails pace. i’ll get there. (u can ask glimmerkeith on tumblr for stones song recs, bc shes great and knows much more than i do and i would die for jenn)

now here’s a band…….that i’ve rediscovered pretty recently. try, last week.

AC/DC!!!!!!!! (early 1970s to now) (genres: hard rock, blues rock, rock and roll)

this is Very Much Your Dads™ Music. probably. most likely, anyway. but listen: i saw them in concert once and (while it probably…wasnt the best experience for me) i had a fucking Blast. very sad things happened in this band in the last few months.

not recent, but very important, in 1980 their lead singer bon scott died and everyone was sad. then brian johnson came out with his fuckin voice and everyone was like “ok sweet lets get back to rock n’ roll”

so this will be split by scott’s era and the johnson era (heh heh) And, because i’m familiar with this band, i’ll list the album in question and name a few songs off it instead of just naming songs. because yes.

scott:

T.N.T (1975); it’s a long way to the top (if you wanna rock ‘n’ roll); T.N.T; high voltage

dirty deeds done dirt cheap (1976); dirty deeds done dirt cheap (edit: i just realized how much i actually hate this album and only like that song so WHOOPS but i wanna keep the formatting so, yknow)

let there be rock (1977); let there be rock; whole lotta rosie

highway to hell (1979); highway to hell (it just felt really weird, making a reclist of songs by ac/dc and Not including this one)

johnson:

back in black (1980); HELLS BELLS; shoot to thrill; given the dog a bone; back in black; you shook me all night long

for those about to rock we salute you (1981); for those about to rock (we salute you)

the razors edge (1990); thunderstruck

making this list, it hit me how much of bon scott i actually Listen to when i listen to ac/dc dfkjghjdfksdsfj but uh yeah those. are good

AND NOW…FOR THE FUCKIN MOMENT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR

GUNS! AND! ROSES! (mid 1980s to NOW MOTHERFUCKERS!!! THEYRE BACK!!! well, touring at least) (genres: hard rock, heavy metal

arguably my favorite band. subjectively, my favorite classic rock band. objectively? they own a huuuge portion of my heart, and my ass.

so listen up: these two kids from indiana run away to california to get out of fucking indiana, because who wants to stay in indiana, (it’s more like, one gets out, and like a year later the other kid tries to find him in the big mean streets of L.A) and along the way they get shuffled in and out of bands together. they start bands, break up bands, the whole fuckin shebang.

and then a few chance miracles happen and suddenly guns n’ roses is formed in like 1985. my boys? those are my boys.

i’m gonna do what i did w ac/dc and bullet the albums and then i’m gonna talk about the albums because i got SHIT to SAY

appetite for destruction (1987); welcome to the jungle, out ta get me, paradise city, sweet child o’ mine, ROCKET QUEEN

all right so here’s the deal, it was very hard not picking every single song on the album because every single song on the album is fucking perfection. actual gold. there’s no flaws in this album. Nothing. everything is good and perfect and i’m not biased at all

did you know axl rose (one of the boys from indiana) recorded each line individually? so, he sang a line, and then stopped recording, and then started recording the next line because he wanted it to be perfect?

did you know appetite was originally a flop album but after this dude got the guys at MTV to play the music video for Jungle at like 5am, guns n’ roses BLEW THE FUCK UP. Everybody know about them practically overnight. it was surreal and really cool, apparently.

and did you know axl played the synthesizer in paradise city? that’s adorable. i fucking love him.

gn’r lies (1988); patience; used to love her

the first four tracks in this EP are from their very first EP ever recorded - it Sounds like it’s taken from a live show but they dubbed in the audience in post, to make it seem like they had huge crowds attending their shows when in reality that wasn’t the case. (their first ep was released in december 1986, they had loyal fans but the crowd wasn’t that rowdy until after appetite came out)

believe me when i tell you. don’t listen to one in a million. or like, do. but i’m not gonna fight anyone about this. it’s fucked up. i’m not defending axl at all and i actually struggled with liking guns after i listened to it.

but unfortunately here we are and i saw them in concert and i had to deal with some fuckhead in the row behind me and his friend who kept Shouting that they play the song, when nobody on stage could her them, and like. of course they wouldn’t play it today. fuck off man

use your illusion i (1991); right next door to hell; dust n’ bones; perfect crime; november rain; BAD APPLES; COMA

i tried to limit these to five songs an album but i fuckin can’t, anon. illusion1 is just so fucking perfect. i can’t choose between my children. pls forgive me

on dust n’ bones and double talkin’ jive is izzy stradlin doing vocals (the second indiana boy, the one who left indiana first) and he’s regarded as the most unnderrated member in gnr by like everybody. so much so that it’s almost…too much. but like basically he was addicted to drugs and everything and then he sobered up when everyone else in the band was still hooked and he was like “wtf i’m out” and axl was like noooo :(

use your illusion ii (1991); civil war; 14 years; GET IN THE RING; locomotive; estranged; you could be mine

UYI1 and 2 were released on the same day. can you imagine how fuckin wild that day was? gnr fans scrambled to their record stores by the hordes probably.

izzy does vocal work in 14 years and this album was his last contribution to the band

uhhhh this album is also fucking perfect but i get sad listening to it sometimes so i try not to? very emotionally driven work. but like, where UYI1 was mostly passionate and angry-ish based, UYI2 is much more contemplative and uhh. sad. i guess.

“the spaghetti incident?” (1993)

this is a cover album and also the last album to feature my love, my soul, my light, my heart, slash. also duff. i mean i love him probably almost just as much but, yeah. duff actually looks like my cousin’s dad so i can’t really…. um. i feel weird about talking about him kjdfgd

but SLASH my god what a perfect man. i love him more than almost everything.

hey fun fact in between UYI and TSI, guns n’ roses toured with metallica and that tour is when slash, In His Autobiography, said he “lost” axl. his word. he Lost axl.

axl rose is a whole fuckin…..topic for another time, and i’m not gonna get into my own bullshit here, but that’s basically the situation when you listen to TSI. the band is fractured and barely holding together. after TSI, slash and duff leave GNR and axl is the only original member from the band still in it

(of course that opens up a conversation of who was originally in guns n’ roses but that’s another discourse for another time)

CHINESE DEMOCRACY (2008); CHINESE DEMOCRACY; BETTER; THERE WAS A TIME; SORRY; MADAGASCAR; PROSTITUTE

I. FUCKING. LOVE. THIS. ALBUM. MORE THAN I COULD EVER EXPRESS. everyone says it’s “not gnr” of COURSE it isn’t gnr, when YOU think of GNR, you see slash. and like, i love slash? but he didn’t make the band. EVERYONE - axl, izzy, steven, duff, And slash made the band. after steven was kicked, gnr lost a huge part of what made them stand out, what made the band unique.

and like, fuck, i love dizzy. i love all of the new additions. but you cannot. fucking look me in the eyes and tell me you love UYI But you hate CD because it’s “not gnr”. like. fuck you man.

ugh anyway. i just gotta let y’all know my Stance on this. i love chinese democracy. i’ll defend this album with my fucking life. i was really…disappointed when, at my concert, i didn’t hear more CD but like i also saw slash in person (albeit, from far away, but we shared the same arena and that’s. more than i can handle)

i wanna get lyrics from prostitute tattooed on my body.

also like you can’t tell me better and sorry aren’t about slash sorry but that’s just the fuckin tea

Now, listen, this ask got away from me. i didn’t include…SO many bands because, like i said, i just scratch the surface of what classic rock is. my word isn’t law, ok? that bein said, i am always, ALWAYS down to talk about any of the bands here, and others!!! if i know of them. i’m always taking music/song recs, too.

thanks..for reading this stupid answer to your innocent ask sdfkjghsdf

[deehollowaywrites]

horse of a different color

Four jockeys, two cities, one love, all Pride.

New York City - June 25, 4:15PM

“You know what’s so great about being based at Gulfstream?”

Joel looked at me over his sunglasses, black eyebrows quirked like he was ready for me to say something foolish or obvious. “The year-round riding?”

“Good point,” I allowed. He was such a workaholic, but I liked that look on a guy. “I was thinking more that Miami’s Pride is in April, so we get to do two per year. Aren’t we the luckiest motherfuckers on the planet?”

We were, to my way of thinking, or at least I was. Me with my paragon of a boyfriend, handsome and talented and a Classic win deep into a very good summer. Me in one of the most beautiful cities in the world--New York was no Miami, but it was a good place to be on the second Saturday in June, and the third Sunday was even better. Me surrounded by color and life, music, chanting in twenty different languages. Me and him and everyone else, the same and different for that moment.

“You just like parades,” Joel said, and wrapped his arm around my waist. “And marches and rallies. You remember…”

He cut off, a hint of a smile on his mouth, and I tried to decide what he might be remembering. Us two months earlier in Miami Beach, dancing on one of the drag floats with his cousin Dani, wearing Hawaiian-print board shorts and not much else? Us the year before, the weekend after Belmont, our first Belmont and our first New York Pride, or us this past Friday night at Fantasy, the ‘Men At Work’ theme and Joel’s breeches in a context different than the one I was used to--

“That rally,” he said. His arm tensed, his hand on my hip. I was wearing a tank top, Breeders’ Cup purple the perfect shade for a Pride weekend, and the sides were slashed down far enough that his skin was warm against mine. He turned his head, looking beyond the High Line, and his lips met my curls. “You remember.”

I remembered: the two of us in a crowd heading for the Miami-Dade courthouse, the wet June heat. His mouth, vodka-flavored; my best friend texting where r u and me ignoring it. Joel trying to tell me something, to open up, and me ignoring that too because I was a dipshit, or scared, because it was easier to go for what I wanted in that moment instead of what I was afraid I might want for life. The two of us at the start.

Across the rooftops Fifth Avenue was visible, the glitter and noise of the March snaking slowly through Manhattan. People we knew were down there, street-level, in the parade itself and along the sidewalks. Tallis was somewhere with Jessa and her girlfriend, and we’d have to go find them pretty soon, because we had dinner reservations at Ngam. As though on cue, my phone buzzed and I slid it out of my pocket, expecting a chiding Tallis text. Instead it was Lexington’s own blond-bitch princess, a picture of Felix and Adair in front of a rainbow horse statue in Triangle Park. A giant LexPride flag wrapped them together. I’d have sworn Adair’s smile was brighter than the light reflecting off their sunglasses.

“The cutest,” I declared, and showed my phone to Joel. “Great. Now we’ll have to one-up them.”

There was no question of the quantity of photos in my phone. We’d been walking all morning, pausing to get drinks and take pictures and kiss. If Felix was going to be all adorable, we’d be adorable right back at her--even more so, because I had a secret weapon of industrial-strength cuteness, and he was standing right next to me. Joel’s flannel had accumulated more pins and patches beside his old rainbow Cuban flag button as we’d stopped at stalls and merch booths, and--I rubbed my arm against his shoulder, where skin met the soft, torn edge of his sleeve. Was it the same flannel? Black-and-red plaid, faded, the softest thing in his closet. Back then, in front of the Miami courthouse, it’d been buttoned up; now it was open over his bare chest, sun glinting on a gold cross and the warm brown skin of his abs, black boxer-briefs visible above cut-off jeans and his Jordans.

“Just so you know,” I said, and I hadn’t expected my voice to be rough. “You look deadly.”

“You should be looking at the parade,” Joel said, but a smile slipped across his face. The hand on my hip eased north, his fingers hooking inside my shirt. His other hand tipped up the brim of my hat, then adjusted the JEWS FOR JUSTICE patch and the rainbow Keshet pin. A pinky lifted my Magen David from where it dangled over the Breeders’ Cup logo. “You look like free advertising.”

“The powers that be should pay me for this endorsement,” I said, and tugged his face down to mine. “The best is yet to…come.”

Joel snorted. “I guess I’ll give you some credit for waiting so long to whip that out.”

“Considering what you were whipping out on the dance floor last night, I deserve all the credit.”

In the sky above us, the sun passed over a cloud. It’d been like that all weekend, fast-moving clouds shot with brutal sunlight. Colorful sunscreen and body paint were everywhere. Yesterday Joel, long-suffering mensch that he was, had let me draw stars and horses all over his arms in rainbow splotches of zinc, a gigantic green outline of Florida on his stomach, a heart on each cheek. Now he pushed his sunglasses into his hair and gazed at me. “Ben.”

“Petsl.”

Tatteleh, I wanted to whisper to the smooth skin beneath his jaw, bubbeleh, gelibt boychick, every soft, sweet thing I could think of, all the endearments that weren’t enough in English and were somehow almost enough in Yiddish. He had a tendency to forget--how good he was, how beautiful, even on days like Pride when it was so easy to remember that we were loved, when it was safe to love.

I liked reminding him.

“I hope you’re having fun.”

“I’m always having fun,” I said, which was only the truth.

“Well--” he said. “But you know what I mean.”

“You mean,” I said, “that the racetrack is suffering without us.” He pressed his lips together, a sure sign that he was trying to be serious and failing to resist my notable charms. “You mean that the bettors are pining. You mean that Jamie Hamilton is gnashing his teeth over race five, which you would be winning right now if you weren’t here. Is that what you mean?”

He kept looking at me, his eyes soft black without the blue-tinted aviators, humoring me.

“Thank you for being here with me.” I kissed his cheek, the skin tasting faintly of sunscreen. “I know I can be a one-man gay Pride parade, but this only happens once a year.”

“Twice a year,” Joel murmured, turning so that I felt his smile on my lips. “If you’re lucky like us.”

New York City - June 25, 5:05PM

Jessa’s new girlfriend was one of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen.

To be fair, every woman I laid eyes on was up there; I just happened to really, really like women. And maybe I should’ve been jealous--maybe I should’ve looked at Esther draped over Jessa like kudzu and sucked my teeth--maybe in the back of my mind there was a highlights reel playing, the two of us that summer when everything changed, and the two of us in an Ozone Park walk-up, a Morningside Heights cafe, a Saratoga ballroom. But Jessa was happy and it was Pride, and as my grandma would’ve said, my cup was overflowing.

“Your cup,” Jessa said, giggling. “Tallis.” She grabbed the solo cup out of my hand as it tipped, my elbow on the railing of the rooftop bar. “Some poor soul down on the street won’t know what hit them.”

“Hey, like, if I time it right--like, when Ben texts me they’re heading over I’ll have to keep an eye out,” I said. “I’ll spot Joel’s frowny-face a mile away and then I’ll dump this right on Ben’s head.”

“That would definitely give them an idea of our location,” Jessa agreed. Esther looked at her and then at me, smiling and a little confused. Her face, I decided, was sweet. She looked like an icon of Black Mary, round cheeks and big dark eyes and a neck that wouldn’t have seemed out of place with the swan boats, her hair hidden beneath a bright blue-print turban. Jessa leaned over and darted a kiss at her, and I thought very hard about anything other than the berry flavor of her favorite purple lipstick, the way the sun hit her deep brown skin. “They’re Tallis’s friends. She just has a strange way of showing affection.”

“Ben understands me,” I said loftily. “And Joel respects me. Like, on the dirt, at least.” I sipped at the rest of the cocktail in my cup, what Jessa called an Ice Pick. Something along the lines of an Arnold Palmer, but with vodka. It was refreshing as hell on what was turning out to be the hottest day of New York’s summer so far. “They were supposed to come to the rally but--I mean, I suppose they were hungover. I guess I’ll allow it, like, how often does Joelito get smashed? Not often.”

Still, it would have been nice to have them at the rally. Ben was more political than he let on, and Joel was more political than he looked, and it was always chill when they were around, among the chants and the signs. If I couldn’t have Iris and Marcy, my best friends from high school, armed with slogans and literature, the boys were a good next-best.

“Those were some pictures from last night.” Jessa cocked an eyebrow. They were sparkling today, her perfect eyebrows, pink glitter swept along their arches to match the fuchsia braided into her hair. She looked like cotton candy, pink and purple swirled together in a galaxy-print romper and her lilac lips. “Tallis, I kind of figured you might wear something similar today, yet here you are in civvies.”

The pictures in question involved breeches, because Ben and Joel were predictable. I looked down at my own gear. “So maybe I didn’t feel like wearing my work uniform, geez.”

“Still,” Jessa said, face straight and brown eyes dancing. “Does what it says on the tin.”

The tin said DOWN TO RIDE in white block letters across my sports bra. It was too hot for real clothing, and Pride wasn’t for real clothing anyway, and I couldn’t figure why Jessa was giving me a hard time. Between my bra and cut-offs and Docs I still had more coverage going on than half the people dancing on this roof.

“You look great, Tallis,” Esther said, almost gushing. Maybe she felt like she had to be extra-nice, since she was kissing on my former lady-friend right in front of me. “Can I ask what your work-out regimen is like? Because Lord, you are in really good shape.”

“I mean,” I said. “I mainly just, like… ride horses.” I flapped my hands at my chest, not that there was much chest to be flapped at. Whatever boobs I’d been packing had long vanished in favor of muscle. “Like Jessa said. Does what it says on the tin.”

“Oh,” Esther said, and did that thing again, her eyes swerving between me and Jessa like she’d missed something. They hadn’t been dating for that long, they were still in the gooey stage of staring at each other and touching every three seconds, and when I’d heard--when I’d gotten back to New York after the Derby and Jessa had called me instead of responding to a simple hook-up text--when I’d seen Esther today, lovely and giggling on Jessa’s arm… It was difficult to be angry, or even that sad. Sad was a well-worn spot in my heart that would probably never scar over. But it was Pride, and Jessa was happy. Esther made her happy. Esther, who looked at me again and said, “Well, you look amazing.”

“Speaking of pictures,” I said, because things were starting to get awkward, “check what my guru’s up to.” My agent’s wife had texted me an hour or so before, and I flashed my phone at Jessa. “I mean, for real, look at this old man! I gotta tell him to perk up. Somebody up there better dunk his head in a cooler or some shit, like, it’s too early for naptime.”

Jessa giggled. “If I were Phil I’d have drawn dicks on his face.”

“Good to know,” Esther said. She slipped Jessa a sidelong look, lips pursed. “Remind me not to fall asleep around you.”

“That ain’t what you’ll wake up to,” Jessa said, composed. I tried to ignore that face of hers, the calm one she pulled on when she was delivering lightning bolts, the smooth full cheeks and innocent expression that came out when her hand was on your thigh. “Tallis, there’s a cutie at the bar giving you mad eyes.”

I tugged a curl of my frohawk and turned, hoping I seemed casual even though if said cutie bopped my way she’d find out soon enough that there was nothing casual about me. She was pretty, all legs in a pair of sailor shorts, black ink peeking out of her waistband and a belly-button ring turning olive skin golden in the sun. She had a tallboy in one hand, the aluminum hiding her mouth as she sipped, round sunglasses low on her nose.

Jessa whistled and kicked my ankle. “Quit standing around, girl. We’ll keep an eye out for the boys.”

Ben and Joel could take their time, as far as I was concerned. The girl at the bar wasn’t looking away, and Jessa and Esther had their heads together, tittering like pigeons, and it was Pride. Maybe I should’ve been at the track, making money instead of spending it, but there were a few things I loved more than horses and this was one. All around me New York was partying; from this high up the streets below looked like they were paved in glitter. Hands were being held and cheeks kissed and in bathrooms and stairwells and on balconies and throughout the parading streets people were in love. I was in love, with my work and the people in my life, even if... And some of that feeling I could pinpoint, I had the receipts committed to memory, and some of it seemed like it’d always been in me, and some of it I knew would never leave.

But there was always room for more.

Lexington - June 25, 5:35PM

It’d been five years, I realized when the float was swinging past Broadway, aimed straight for the arena.

“What?” Phil called, her hip twisting under my hand. She’d been dancing, so it seemed, since we woke up that morning, hungover beyond the telling of it in a hotel off Red Mile and Felix beating our door down, get the fuck out of bed, Eduardo, we got bigots to piss off. Phil grinned, her face close to mine. “Five years since what?”

“Five years!” I put my lips to her ear so she could hear me over the loudspeakers, the grand marshal in the distance and our float blaring Tegan and Sara. “I know you ain’t forgot. It was all your idea anyway.”

She looked at me a moment longer, and then her smile broke into laughter. Sun glinted off her tongue ring, a tiny little gold-edged rainbow for the occasion. “Oh my god. Eddy. I totally forgot I popped your Pride cherry. Baby.” She kissed me, still laughing, and I caught the taste of orange-bourbon slushies on her tongue. “Mazel tov, man. Happy anniversary.”

June was a good month anyway, so I’d always figured, the Belmont being my preferred of the Crown races and my birthday landing another week in, and now Father’s Day. I did like being a father. Add Pride into it, and June was the heavy favorite for best month of the year, as far as I was concerned. Phil linked an arm around my waist, moving faster as the DJ switched over to a Gaga remix. Her cheek pressed mine, the gold lame fabric of her dress slightly sticky under my palm. “I’m glad we’re still here.”

Still here. Still in Lexington, still together--still brazenly queer, her, and still a little squirrelly about it, me. I remembered that conversation, when we’d been together for nearly a year. You’ve really never been? But Felix… Felix, Pride enthusiast extraordinaire. Felix, who’d probably be Grand Marshal of Lexington’s Pride before she turned thirty-five. Felix, who right then was about a mile ahead of us, her and Adair and Maribel with Iona on the Ruffians float. It was the first year that batch of ritzy Kentucky horsewomen had reserved a spot in the parade. Felix had scoffed, but I liked what I thought it said about her mother.

“Anybody give you a hard time yet?” Phil said, and leaned past me to wave. “Here, we should start throwing beads again.”

There was a bucket of beads at our feet, half-forgotten as the sun and noise had gone to work on us. It was real easy to forget a lot of things, I’d noticed, this particular weekend. The mass of color caught my eyes, made me look everywhere at once instead of focusing on any one detail. The simplicity of the whole thing gummed up my gears. For once, for just a few days, you could believe things were all right.

I grabbed a handful of beads and raised them, looking out at the crowd on the street. “Anybody gave me a hard time, you’d have known about it. Seeing as you been all over me all day.” Phil bumped her hip into mine. “I’m not complaining, mind.”

“You better not,” she said. “And they better not.” Her lips tightened, her profile sharp with its sunglasses against the downtown skyline and the bright blue sky. “When we were getting ready to push off I heard that new guy say something to Marisa. ‘Who invited the hets?’ Some shit like that.” She tossed her beads out to the air, aiming for a couple of girls in UK gear, then leaned into my shoulder. “Like, of course I’ve got to come out to some rando on Pride. Of course.”

“You don’t have to say anything to anyone.”

Our float was one put on by the art collective Phil was part of, had been running in the Lexington parade every year that I’d been going. Any new guy participating needed to introduce himself to Phil, not the other way around. It prickled me--how this happened every year in some form, somebody looking at us and thinking they knew what they were seeing. It bothered me because it bothered her, not so much for my own sake. That had been part of the reason why I’d never been to Pride, before Phil took me. It had seemed like I’d be butting in, even if I belonged there, and I’d never been sure I did. Phil had been the first person other than Felix I’d said those words to. Even now I didn’t know, not really.

“Eddy,” she said, and kissed me softly. “Don’t worry about it. It’s been a great weekend.” Her hand slid down my back, slotting into my pocket. “Also, you look hot.”

“I am hot,” I told her, and pulled back just enough to drop a strand of beads around her neck. I’d been doing this off and on all day, watching the multi-colored beads nestle into her cleavage until she complained they were sticking to her and took them off. “It’s very hot out, if you hadn’t noticed.”

“Uh-huh.” She lifted her hair with both hands, the heavy black weight of it, and pulled some magic trick to keep it in a bun without an elastic. “I meant that new ink, but you’re not wrong. You should take up meteorology when you get bored with agenting.”

I examined my right shoulder where it lay open to the warm air. I’d finally used up all the real estate on my left arm, the round petals of a Bayahibe rose inching down over the back of my hand. The first and only ink on my right arm thus far was our daughter’s name, etched into a scroll to match the one with my mother’s name on my left bicep. When I looked up again, Phil was looking too, green eyes narrowed over her heart-shaped sunglasses. She licked her lips and winked.

“I’m just saying. I’d marry your ass if I hadn’t already, tattoo like that.” She leaned in again, her mouth against my ear. “I like commitment.”

I liked it too. My whole life people had been calling me serious, too serious sometimes. In the early days someone had told me Phil got bored easily, and maybe it was true, but if it was, apparently my glitz hadn’t worn off yet. Hers sure hadn’t, and I doubted it ever would. She’d been hard to resist then, smirking at me over a big fancy Nikon, her tongue ring and those hips I wanted to die between; she was even harder to resist now, the soft stamp of motherhood on her, that gold dress low-cut over a strappy black bra and sandals winding up toward her knees.

Somewhere on this float was a guy who thought the two of us didn’t need to be here. Somewhere in the parade was our baby and her aunties. Phil had started this chapter of my life and we’d finish it together, us and Mari and Felix and Adair, and right then I couldn’t think of anything better.

Phil’s hand pressed harder into my pocket, then flashed my phone. “Someone wants you.”

“I know she does,” I said, and kissed her nose. She giggled, swiping open the phone. “So who wants me now? Better not be Tallis.”

“It is Tallis,” she said. “But not for work.”

The picture on the screen was my errant little girl-jock, smack between Gwen Taylor’s daughter and a very pretty girl I didn’t recognize. New York soared behind them, and color exploded in every corner of the picture, Tallis with a rainbow painted across the slope of her nose and Jessa wearing pink braids and purple lipstick. happy PRIDE 2 my favorite bi babes, the text read. B good & kiss Mari PLEASE xoxoxox Tallis n Jessa

Phil giggled, her head tipped against mine. The sun lit her skin and the unicorn-sheen blush she’d swept on that morning. “Happy Pride, Eddy.”

I kissed her and kissed her again, murmured it back to her, let it sink into me. Viva Orgullo.

Lexington - June 25, 6:30PM

Somehow, this was the first time I’d cried at a Pride festival.

The amphiteatre was crowded to capacity but every scrap of conversation and laughter died as the recitation began. Voices swelled over it, the choir on the stage singing ‘Amazing Grace’ while the speaker read out Antonio Brown...Luis Conde...Eddie Justice...and maybe it was shoulders pressing mine, a hand on my waist, and maybe it was Adair’s face on the platform among the women singing, and maybe it was too many other faces in my mind, too much terrible potential.

Eddy’s arm on my shoulders went tight. He didn’t say anything, and neither did Phil, not even to whisper jokingly that the rainbow painted on my cheek was about to smudge. I licked my lips, then said, voice low, “Can I hold Mari?”

I knew they were looking at each other over my head, but Phil smiled as she shifted the kid in her arms. Mari’s weight was comforting, her cheek rolling against my chest and her hair smelling of sunscreen. I wanted to close my eyes and bury my face in her black curls, but Adair deserved more than that, and so did the woman speaking.

So did the dead.

“She sounded amazing,” Eddy said a few minutes later when the crowd around us began to move. We stood there on the grass, an island of three and a snoozing baby, watching couples kissing and groups forming, friends calling out directions and plans. “They all did, but Adair--por Dios, up there looking like an angel.” He slapped my shoulder, tweaking the thin strap of my dress. “And you, Miss Slutty Charms, pride of Lexington.”

So maybe the dress was bright green and transparent in the sun, and maybe it was so short as to barely deserve the name, but I thought the Honeycomb Hills snapback and high-top sneakers kind of leavened the look. Anyway, Adair’s eyes popping when I’d come out of the hotel bathroom this morning was the whole point. I hefted Mari up, patting her back as she mumbled something. “That’s Mrs. Slutty Charms to you, asshole.”

It still felt bizarre, being someone’s missus, bizarre and impossible and perfect. We were nearly a year in, me and Adair, and I was never going to be used to it. It was just one more thing kicking this year’s Pride into the stratosphere: the rock on Adair’s finger, the smile on her face now there for yet another reason. I looked at her again, across the crowd, still on the stage with her chorus. She’d come meet us in a few minutes but for now I wanted nothing but to stare at her. Her long legs in that high-waist skirt, her brown belly under that bright pink crop top. She had on one of her fun prosthetics, rainbow-print plastic meeting her thigh, and a pair of lacy leather gladiator sandals. Even on a stage full of women in peacock feathers and wild hair, she glowed.

“So am I getting my daughter back any time soon?” Eddy peered at us, his disapproving dad face out in full force. “You going to add kidnapping to your long list of incorrigible activities, Felicity?”

I hmm-ed and didn’t answer. Truth be told, Mari was something to clutch right then, something to remind me that life was still going on. Eddy’s eyes softened, and he pushed us over to a bare spot on the ampitheatre’s north wall. “You ok?”

The stone felt gritty on my thighs when I sat down. “I hate being afraid.”

He didn’t say, what do you got to be afraid of?

I let Phil take Maribel off my lap. She was starting to wake up and would probably be hungry, and that was her parents’ arena, not mine. Flicking open my phone, I showed Eddy the screen. “Look at this.”

He chuckled, gray eyes skating over the picture. “Yeah. Tallis texted me earlier too. Looks like they’re all having fun, eh?”

The text had arrived sometime late in the afternoon, when our float was just pulling up in front of the arena. It was a message like a dozen others I’d gotten over the past month, pictures and captions from Pride festivals in cities all over the country. I liked seeing them--liked knowing where all my friends and colleagues were, that they were having fun, they were safe. And it wasn’t like Ben Goldfarb didn’t text me more or less endlessly anyway. Fucking up your Laurel track record, nbd or hey you ever been to the Keys? Next time you’re at GP we’ll go, pictures from the jocks’ room, Joel frowning at the camera.

It was cute, and this message was too: the two of them on the New York City High Line, Fifth Avenue’s blaring-bright parade in the distance. The two of them smiling at the same time for once--hell, you could even see Joel’s teeth--the two of them in love with each other and their world. There was a ball cap barely staying put on Ben’s curls, and sun flared on a pair of necklaces, gold and sapphires. Everything about it broke my heart.

“We don’t deserve them,” I told Eddy. “It was supposed to be better by now.”

“Felix, come on.” He showed me his own phone. “It is better.”

The text displayed was pure Tallis. She was the most joyful kid I’d ever met. She and Ben both--and Joel in his own way--and all of that, everything I knew about them, just made my eyes sting again. “You know Ben gets… and he didn’t tell me this, Canseco did. People send him death threats.”

Phil looked up from where Mari was nestled against her with a juice box. “Jesus Christ. Eddy, you never told me that.”

He shook his head. Phil had braided his hair for this weekend and it looked fantastic, tight rows against his scalp, his profile all jaw and nose. “Felix, you got to focus on what’s in front of you.” He waved his phone at me. “Let them live. They’re living, so let them. You think maybe Joel left out a detail when he told you that?”

There had been plenty of details when Joel had told me that, but I knew what Eddy meant. There was no way Ben got those kinds of emails and Joel didn’t. I’d gotten them--still did; they’d slowed down for a minute and then ticked up again when Adair and I sealed the deal. Almost always men, telling me how they’d fix me, they knew where I lived, every filthy word under the sun. Sometimes women, the hellfire types. Stuff about Adair--about my wife--that chilled my blood.

It was worse for the boys, I knew it, and for Tallis. No one had ever slapped a goddamn swastika on any of my nastygrams.

Phil touched my arm and nodded across the amphitheatre. “Adair’s about to come ask you why you’re sad.”

She was moving toward us, Phil was right, and I had about three minutes to get my shit together, because I wasn’t going to ruin tonight. None of this was news. We’d been dealing with it and we’d keep dealing with it, because the generation coming up deserved better.

Eddy leaned over, and somehow managed to get his arms around all of us. He kissed my cheek above the rainbow paint and tucked blond strands back under my hat. “You’re part of the reason they’re here at all, mija. Don’t downplay it.”

Who knew selfishness could get spun into heroics?

“I’m here,” he said, quiet, and his chest moved like he’d drawn a deep breath. “We’re all here. Todos juntos.”

We were here and we weren’t going anywhere, not out of our cities and certainly not out of our sport, and if I hadn’t managed to fix everything, maybe they would.

[placetobenation]

Tomorrow is another one of those Divas anniversaries – fourteen years to the day since Trish Stratus and Lita wrestled in the main event of Monday Night Raw in a Women’s Title match.

This is a big one, not only because it was just the second time a women’s match headlined an episode of Raw without any pesky men around, and not only because it was the biggest bout yet between the two biggest stars of the era, but also because it was the culmination of a nine month feud that was far and away the best thing about Raw in 2004.

On a personal note, this is the 20th Deep Dive I’ve written for you kind folks, and in an extraordinary and uncharacteristic show of restraint, I Dove Deep nineteen whole times while barely mentioning the greatest of all time, my sun and stars, moon of my life, Trish Stratus. Now, that’s simply because I’m so excited to talk about ALL of these women and there’s so much to cover, but that streak is well and truly over today because for real dudes, Trish Stratus in 2004 is the greatest gift that He ever sent down from the heavens to grace this wretched wasteland of a planet.

She is God tier.

The entire feud is fantastic, in fact, so let me spin you another yarn. There are about three different soap opera storylines to get through here so the short version of this preamble is that in late 2003 Trish and Lita, bestest best friends, were being pursued by Jericho and Christian respectively, the boys made a bet for $1 (Canadian) that they could hit that, Jericho ended up catching feelings and turning babyface, only for Trish to kick his ass to the curb and turn heel and mack on with Christian on the WrestleMania XX stage.

Thank u, next.

You may wonder how Trish goes from breaking Jericho’s heart to making Lita’s life a living hell. After all, last we saw they were bestest best friends! I’ll tell you how. This was all the fault of a women’s battle royal. In wrestling, some battle royals are throwaway. Others change the course of the next nine months of television. This was the match that launched a thousand skits.

It was a couple weeks after WrestleMania, and this particular battle royal was for No. 1 Contendership. Basically all of the other dorks got tossed during the ad break and we end up with Trish and Lita facing off in a big finishing stretch to determine the winner. Despite Trish and Christian still being in the middle of their feud with Jericho, and despite Jericho’s interference late in this match handing Lita the victory, Trish seems FAR more offended at Lita beating her than at anything Jericho is doing. It’s a subtle shift in Trish’s motivation, where the focus of her vitriol becomes her bestie/archrival, Lita, someone she’s comfortable fighting against, instead of a man that she isn’t really a physical threat to. Heel Trish liked to punch down, and Lita was a much easier target.

She had NO IDEA how much of an easy target Lita would soon become.

For reasons that remain unbeknownst to this day, I believe, one fateful day on Raw, Kane decided to interrupt a Divas tag team match, corner Lita in the ring, and forcibly kiss her. Oh yes my dudes, THIS WHOLE THING THAT HAPPENED.

Kane began stalking Lita on Raw every week, with her then-boyfriend Matt Hardy often getting in the middle. Trish Stratus observed her best friend being relentlessly stalked and molested by a psychopathic monster and decided, “Yep. I am going to ROAST THE SHIT OUT OF THIS BITCH LMAO”

She started out with the gold standard of fuckwithery, “Oh no! Look out! Kane’s behind you! BAHAHAHAHAHA!” And just stepped it up from there.

When Kane defeated Matt Hardy at SummerSlam 2004 for the right to marry Lita (I know, I know…) Trish was kind and thoughtful enough to corral the other heel Divas and throw Lita a bridal shower! (And let me tell you, the way that Trish utters the phrase, “Because you have to marry *KANE*” is just… I saw God.)

Then we ALL saw God when she crashed the wedding itself.

If you can get past the outfit, this run in is also basically the greatest speech anyone has ever made at a wedding. “All you have to do is open your heart! Just like you opened your legs!”

Holy moley.

When Lita was impregnated with Kane’s demon baby as a result of Kane coercing her into sex to protect Matt Hardy (hmmm why does this sound so familiar??) who else was there to greet her backstage with jokes about it “festering” inside her but King Dick Trish. That whole episode in fact (Raw, September 6th) was basically a one woman show. She dragged Lita mercilessly for getting knocked up by Kane, turned around and dragged Nidia for yelling at her in Spanish (“I don’t speak German!”), then dragged Nidia in the ring to one of her best matches like the GOAT she is, and then when Nidia started making her comeback, Trish could super not be fucked dealing with it and just straight up RIPPED NIDIA’S SHIRT CLEAN OPEN to distract her and kicked her head off.

I have no words for that kind of thuggery.

But back to our bullshit, when Lita then lost the aforementioned demon baby after an unfortunate and definitely-not-his-fault incident with Gene Snitsky (I KNOW, I KNOW OKAY!), who was there waiting to savage her some more about losing her pregnancy weight and drop lines like “At Survivor Series you’re gonna lose to me, just like you lost your baby” ?? You guessed it! King Dick Trish, the fucking asshole. What kind of prick trolls someone about having a miscarriage? Jesus.

Speaking of Survivor Series, let me catch you up on other, more normal events. At Bad Blood 2004, after an original Victoria vs. Gail Kim defense was changed to a four way with Trish and Lita, Trish, of course, stole the winning pin from under Lita’s nose and won the belt. From there it’s a tale of two women; Trish ruling atop of the Women’s Division as champ, and Lita toiling away in the Utter Bullshit Division. For months they only really ever met in these backstage skits and promos where Trish would body her over and over when she knew Lita couldn’t retaliate. And that was all they needed to make it the hottest feud on Raw.

Finally, in November Lita moved from the Utter Bullshit Division back into the Women’s Division and immediately set her sights firmly on Women’s Champion King Dick Trish Stratus. The match is made for Survivor Series. Jericho hosts a Highlight Reel featuring the both of them in the lead up, and he brings a referee out with him because he’s TERRIFIED of having them in the same room together.

With good reason. They’ve barely laid a hand on each other since that title match back in June. There is five full months of angst packed into this powder keg.

And it well and truly goes off at the PPV.

Trish comes out first and is STILL making puffy cheeked chubby faces as Lita makes her entrance, determined to make absolutely sure of her own death I guess. Lita walks down to the ring and punches Trish right in her fucking face. And punches her again. And again.

Then they go outside and all hell breaks loose. Lita grabs a chair and absolutely WALLOPS Trish for the DQ. Trish BLEEDS. Women NEVER bleed on WWE TV, but Trish got that juice brother. Lita kept going crazy and blasted Trish from behind right into the stairs in one of the greatest camera shots of all time. Trish freaks out spectacularly at the sight of her own blood. And somehow, considering this was an immediate DQ finish for a PPV title match they spent half the year building, this was some great business.

From this point forward Lita is fascinating to watch. You might think she’d go on some crazy tear of babyface revenge going after Trish’s title, but she’s actually the complete opposite. She’s not frantic or wild or in a hurry. She’s… calm. Almost serene. It’s as if she knows at this point that she HAS Trish. She’s got her. She’s finally free to fight her, she already beat the shit out of her at Survivor Series, now Trish is wearing a face mask on her broken nose that Lita can gleefully target, and she knows her day is coming. Lita is completely free to punch Trish in the face all she wants for all of the shit she’s been talking all year. Lita is free. Finally. And so she doesn’t chase Trish. She takes her time. She enjoys it. After all of the crazy shit she’s gone through in 2004, it’s actually a relief to just enjoy beating up a familiar foe in a wrestling match.

I bang on a lot about Trish here, and it’s always the heels that get to have more fun, but don’t sleep on Lita. She was also great during this entire angle (while having to do some truly horrid bullshit) and this part of it in particular was some fantastic work.

So the return match for title is finally made (by the ever-present Chris Jericho in his role as guest GM, in a nice touch) for the December 6th Raw. This show happens to be in Charlotte, not very far at all from Lita’s hometown at the time of Sanford, NC. The Women’s Title gets that main event slot baby. They spent the whole night recapping the feud to build up to it. Jim Ross dropped a great line about how to these women, this title means as much as the World’s Heavyweight Title does to the guys. The scene is set.

But not before one last backstage skit. We couldn’t really have it any other way. Trish had taken to calling Lita “The Walking Kiss of Death” and jokingly asked who’s career Lita was going to kill tonight, to which Lita obviously replied, “Yours” and gave her a big smackeroo. Now, Lita was just being smart here because as we know from this and Mickie James in the near future, kissing Trish before a match increases your chances of having a motherfucking BANGER with her by at least 1000%.

That’s just science.

What is a lot harder to explain with science is how Lita actually survived the match.

Y’all remember THAT bump. Lita hit a tope and landed so hard on her face her body scorpioned ov-argh. Nope. It’s fourteen years later and we know she was fine but man is it still hard to watch. She only came back from the broken neck a year earlier! Lita is officially a cyborg.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention it, but it’s a shame that the scorpion bump is sometimes the only thing people remember about this match. What’s important to remember about this match is that IT FUCKING RULED.

The tension was palpable from the bell, and the crowd was ready. Trish took off her face mask and used it as a weapon BECAUSE HER FACE WAS FINE AFTER ALL in a move so dastardly it caused Jim Ross to wig the fuck out on commentary. Lita’s bad bump ended up serving the match, lending a lot of weight to Trish working over Lita’s head and neck during the heat. Lita came back with a powerbomb and the rare and elusive women’s superplex. There were a bunch of great, close nearfalls, and at this point the crowd was going insane chanting for Lita. When she finally went up and hit the redemptive, life affirming Moonsault for the win, people went APESHIT. J.R. literally screamed himself hoarse raving about Lita coming back from all that punishment and winning the belt.

A trillion and three quarter stars.

Revolution or no Revolution, this is still one of the very best women’s matches in company history. And the perfect capper, at that point, to a rivalry that had started all the way back in 2000, and boiled over so spectacularly in 2004. I just love these women.

You can actually watch the full match on WWE’s Youtube here.

That was a lot, and yet like, I feel like I didn’t even scratch the surface with Trish, or even get into half of the stuff with Kane and Lita and all of that nonsense. I’m going to suppress the masochistic urge to dive into it that further, and come back next week to talk about another one of my favourite girls, the unfairly-maligned Divas of the world.

Check it out: No. 1 Contender’s Battle Royal (Raw, April 5th 2004) Trish Stratus vs. Lita (Raw, April 12th 2004) Trish Stratus vs. Lita (Raw, May 17th 2004) Victoria vs. Gail Kim vs. Trish vs. Lita – Women’s Title (Bad Blood 2004) Trish Stratus vs. Lita – Women’s Title (Survivor Series 2004) Trish vs. Lita vs. Molly – Women’s Title (Raw, November 22nd 2004) Trish & Molly vs. Victoria & Lita (Raw, November 29th 2004) Trish Stratus vs. Lita – Women’s Title (Raw, December 6th 2004)

[fashionmovesforward]

Fashion Moves Forward's Summer Style Guide

As temperatures reach the mid 90's in NYC (and other places alike), it is time to put away your leather jackets and heavier weight jawnz in order to survive the most unbearable season in fashion. Summer presents one of the hardest challenges to be fashionable while not bursting into flames as soon as you take a step outside of your nicely air conditioned apartment. We at the FMF office feel your pain and know it can be difficult to get fits off when it is sweltering hot outside. I remember before I spent my first Summer in NYC I once thought "oh Kanye can wear a sweatshirt and denim in the Summer in NYC, it must not be that hot." Boy was I fucking wrong. You walk outside for 2 seconds in your lightest weight denim and you are sweating bullets fam. But of course, people like Ye are going from AC to Uber without having to experience the Summer heat. So in order to get some fits off this Summer, we put together this sort of outline for you to be fashionable in Summer without having to suffer. We made sure to cater to a variety of styles, but remember this is an outline so feel free to experiment and keep it comfortable because when it comes don to it, you don't wanna be getting your jawnz all sweaty. So be sure to read through and comment below some of your favorite Summer tips to getting fits off. 

Silk/ Linen Tops

When it comes to Summer time flexing, this is an area where you can really have fun and get some fits off. Nothing screams Summer like a nice silk or linen shirt. They are light weight, so they are ideal for layering, and they also are usually more colorful which is good because I know all you motherfuckers stick with the all black look (same here lmao). But this Summer I am on the hunt for the perfect silk shirt. Whether it be a floral option from Gucci, Comme Des Garcons or Supreme or an obnoxious loud Versace printed shirt, I am game for the flashy silk shirt wave. Finding the right one for you can offer up a challenge based on your personal style, but be sure to check Grailed and search "Silk Shirt" every day like I do and I am sure you will find something worth your hard earned cash. Here are some good examples from Gucci & Blackfist. 

T-Shirts

Probably one of the most important elements to executing a Summertime fit is a good t-shirt. Whether it be a loud graphic tee from Enfants Riches Deprimes or Supreme or a simple co-mix tee by John Elliot, it is important to have a variety of tees that you can rotate throughout the Summer. Your Summertime wardrobe will mainly consist of t-shirts because it is so brutally hot and jackets are going to be out of the question. So whether you choose to go loud or simple, make sure to have a variety this Summer. Some good brands we recommend are Supreme, Enfants, Midnight Studios, Rick Owens, John Elliot, Off-White, Palm Angels, Palace, and in all honesty Uniqlo (for the basics).

Shorts

I know what you are thinking...."Shorts? I hate shorts because my legs look weird fam." In all honestly, I am right there with you on this belief. Shorts present a difficult challenge when trying to figure out how to style them, and it is even harder to find shorts that don't look ridiculous on you. However, Summer is hot as shit, and if you plan on walking anywhere, you better have some sort of short on because otherwise, you might combust into flames on the spot. My suggestion for this Summer comes down to a couple of different styles. Personally, I want to go more fitted this summer, considering last Summer I rocked Rick pods and sheer tanks every day, I think it is time for a change personally. However, if you want to be a full-on Rick disciple this Summer, then go for it. For my guys who want to go with a little more clean LA "prep" look, I recommend any Gucci short available. It is short, silky, has animals on them, and screams I am rich af. You can't go wrong with a short silk short and a fitted white tee. It is low-key a high-end version of a frat look but elevated. If either of those isn't your thing, you can always cop a pair of sweat shorts. They are easy to wear and basically go with anything. When it comes down to it, you want to have at least one pair of shorts that you can rock on those days it is unbearable outside. Below are some examples from Rick Owens, Gucci, and John Elliott. 

Distressed Denim

Alright, this is where it gets easy fuckers. It is no secret that distressed denim has become a staple in the modern man's wardrobe. It seems every label on planet Earth makes a light-wash distressed denim, and I am sure you already own 3 pairs already. So if you do already own some distressed denim, be ready to break them out because it is that time of the year. But if you are currently searching for the right pair among the sea of endless options I have a few recommendations for you. Saint Laurent has some of the best manufactured distressing and the fit is obviously very tapered, so that has to be an option. Secondly, Amiri jeans are lightweight and are shot with a fucking shotgun, so you won't find a more breathable denim on the market, that is an option to consider. Lastly, for my guys into the archive or Japanese fashion, Undercover denim has very good distressing and quality. There are plenty of other brands I could mention because they all make distressed denim, but some other options include En Noir, John Elliott, RTA, Balmain, or even Julius. 

Cropped Trousers

So if you are like me and can't find a pair of shorts that don't make your legs look skinny as fuck, you should definitely cop some cropped trousers. Cropped trousers are great because they highlight a nice loafer, low-top sneaker, and or a sharply cut derby shoe insanely well. There are a lot of options based on print, material, color, and fit. Some cheaper options I recommend are ASOS or Topman because they already come pre-tailored and are affordable. More high-end options include Second Layer, Gucci, Thom Browne, or Undercover. Another idea I recommend is copping a loose fitting luxury trouser for the low (say Dolce & Gabbana or something) and just get them tailored skinny and cropped. There are a lot of options for this look. Skinny crop or baggy crop and everything in between, if done right this could be a great look for a hot ass Summer day. 

Low-top Sneakers

Summer time is always a good time to break out some nice low top sneakers. Paired with a nice pair of cropped trousers, shorts, or even a slim tapered pair of denim, you can't go wrong wth a nice low top. Finding the right kicks for you can be a challenge because your shoe game can literally make a fit lit or a brick in a matter of seconds. In my honest opinion you should cop a low top pair of Vans just to have a go to, then you can expand off of that. Gucci sneakers are a little flashier and on trend, so that route isn't a bad one to go down either, they just limit you slightly because they demand so much attention that your outfit won't get as much love.  If you are going with something flashy like Gucci, you should either go super loud with the entire fit or just make the shoes the highlight of the entire outfit. Other options include Maison Margiela Gats, Common Projects, Rick Owens Geothrashers, and any other dope Adidas or Nike releases. 

Other Shoes

I grouped other shoes into one category because there are countless options from loafers to Chelsea boots and everything in between. As many of you know, the Gucci loafer has become one of the hottest shoes on the market because of its casual yet luxury maximalist features. It is without a doubt it is our pick for the best Summer shoe of 2017. However, loafers aren't the only shoe you could be flexing in this Summer. Chelsea boots from Hedi era Dior & Saint Laurent are always a good option for the modern day rockstar. Having a nice tailored pair of boots with a slim stacking pair of jeans is one of the best looks in men's fashion. Other options that I highly recommend are Rick Owens Dunks or Ramones because they are recognizable and look great with shorts or denim. Other options include Jordans (always a classic), Fear of God sneakers, Thom Browne derbies/ boots, and even Dr. Marten derbies for a cheaper alternative. 

I hope you guys enjoyed our little Summer time flexing guide and have found some inspiration. Like I said before this is an outline and feel free to switch it up and try new things this Summer, and remember "with great jawnz, comes great responsibility."

[viralhottopics]

6 Hilariously Improbable Events That Resulted In Huge Movies

Hey, remember that Final Destination franchise from all the way back in 2011? You know, it’s the one where a clowder of hapless teens get hunted by Death through a series of overly elaborate, Rube Goldberg-style horrors. Well, it turns out that sometimes this same over-the-top domino effect can be applied to how films get made (including Final Destination, which started as an X-Files spec script). A butterfly flaps its wings in Beijing, and Jeff Goldblum ends up shirtless on a table in Hollywood, basically.

Some films end up creating a gigantic ripple of success and artistic inspiration … all from a single unassuming start. Here are such times when the road to the cinematic immortality was paved with random nobodies, stupid coincidences, and just plain dumb luck…

6

The Alien Franchise Exists Because Of Literal Nightmares

From the creature design to the directing, the first Alien has always been a poster child for the unspeakable horrors you can accomplish through collaborative effort. With that in mind, none of it would have been possible without writers Dan O’Bannon and Ronald Shusett first coming up with the story. They are the face-huggers to Alien‘s uh… alien. This was O’Bannon’s second film as a screenwriter, one that would have never existed without the frustrating failure of his first.

Dark Star was a John Carpenter sci-fi comedy about people exploding planets in space, and O’Bannon hadn’t simply written it, but also designed and supervised the special effects. It was this (not his writing) that got the attention of weirdo director Alejandro Jodorowsky, who at the time was working on an ultimately shelved Dune film. O’Bannon was brought on Dune‘s production where he met a creepy Swiss artist working on the film’s set and character design. His name was H.R. Giger, and you might find his work on Dune a bit familiar.

To put this guy in perspective — upon their initial introduction, H.R. Giger immediately offered O’Bannon opium. And when asked why he himself took it, Giger bleakly responded “I am afraid of my visions.” If Werner Herzog had night terrors, it would be personified in H.R. Giger’s ghastly Scandinavian gaze. His paintings are what Satan uses to get an erection.

Dune was sci-fi failure #2, and after production was closed down O’Bannon found himself running out of work, and consequently money (which is commonly a thing you get in exchange for work). In what was no doubt an act of pre-hooking desperation, he and Shusett dug up yet another old failure — a story about monsters attacking a WWII bomber (which later became a segment in the 1981 animated “film” Heavy Metal — a series of events we’ve previously discussed).

Like some kind of mad scientist, O’Bannon spliced this story with another failed horror script about bug monsters, added a re-written scene from Dark Star, and somehow churned out Alien. Meanwhile, H.R. Giger was developing a terrifying artistic portfolio based on his childhood nightmares — one example being a painting called “Necronom IV.”

That’s one of two nightmares that will come into play, this first fruition appearing in an H.R. Giger art book that O’Bannon gave to Ridley Scott while developing Alien. Nightmare number two came from Shusett who, after a day of writing, woke up in the middle of the night with the idea that the alien could impregnate a crew member through their throat — meaning that nearly every aspect of these creatures was quite literally the stuff of nightmares.

5

You Can Thank The 2003 California Gubernatorial Recall Election For HBO’s Westworld

In the early 2000s, California underwent an energy crisis, presumably after everyone left their tanning bed on overnight. As bills tripled and the anger grew, a representative named Darrell Issa donated two million dollars to a small group collecting signatures for a gubernatorial recall. It was this money that boosted their efforts in a historic moment for the United States: a new Westworld TV show.

We should probably explain.

HBO “Yes, please. I don’t know what the fuck’s going on in this show.” — Anthony Hopkins

See, after successfully reaching enough signatures, it was the actually historic recall of Governor Gray Davis that sparked one of the weirdest elections ever — eventually boiling down to this veiny cup of whatever Austrians drink instead of water:

Playboy And by “ever” we mean “before 2016,” of course.

Arnold Schwarzenegger threw his hat into the governor ring and came out with a whopping 48.6 percent of the vote. This was in October of 2003, and along with shaping the future of California, it panicked a butt-ton of producers who had previously attached the hulky destroyer to upcoming films. One such producer was Jerry Weintraub, who had cast Arnold as the Yul Brynner role in an upcoming remake of that enduring ’70s sci-fi cowboy classic, Westworld. As we’re sure you can guess, this did not end up happening, and the project was shelved indefinitely — or in producer-speak, “until someone big enough shows interest in it.” That took two years.

Variety “We’ll begin shooting in 2008 with Heath Ledger, Bernie Mac, Anna Nicole Smith, and President Gerald Ford.”

In 2005, Weintraub once again set his sights on this ridiculous film — this time with the director of The Cell attached. This, unsurprisingly, did not make Westworld the exciting filmmaking opportunity that studios were scrambling over, and so Jerry moved on to another project while letting his baby degrade on the back burner. That project was a little TV movie about Liberace starring Michael Douglas, Matt Damon, and Matt Damon’s glittery thong.

In the biggest plot twist yet, the HBO-made Douglas/Damon smooch-fest was a hit… causing Weintraub to turn to the network for a Westworld series. The rest is excessively naked history. And hey, Schwarzenegger is finally available now, so maybe they can throw him a bone and cast him as a background extra or something.

4

We Wouldn’t Have The Entire Marvel Cinematic Universe If It Wasn’t For Superman: The Movie

It turns out a DC Comics movie is responsible for Marvel’s current cinematic dominance, but not in the way you’re probably thinking. This long goddamn journey starts with a producer named Lauren Shuler Donner, whose husband you might recognize as Richard Donner — director of such insanely diverse hits as The Goonies, The Omen, and of course, 1978’s Superman: The Movie.

Superman was a hit, but this didn’t instantly result in every single over-pantsed defender getting his own movie — remember, it would take over a decade for even Batman to get one. However, the Donner flick did nab the attention of a five-year-old named Kevin who, like five-year-olds tend to do, became enamored with this genre of mighty punchers. His fandom eventually turned into a job at the Donners’ Company as Lauren’s assistant. As she puts it, “one of the main reasons Kevin managed to get himself an intern position at our company was because of Superman: The Movie, [that freaking nerd].”

Lauren went on to make a few disaster films, like Volcano and the harrowing You’ve Got Mail, before becoming inspired by her husband’s action background and buying the rights to the X-Men franchise in 1994. Feeling his intense ray of nerdiness, she gave her then-assistant Kevin a producing role on the first X-film, where he instantly became “a walking encyclopedia of Marvel.” Usually that just makes you very good at internet message board arguments, but in Kevin’s case, it led him to this:

That’s right. It’s Kevin Feige — not Bacon as you were all no doubt guessing. Having been inspired by that first Superman film, Feige beelined directly to the Donners before getting thrown into X-Men and scooped up by Marvel. It was there that he continued to read an endless number of comics and work closely with directors making Spider-Man, X2, and Daredevil until 2005, when Marvel decided to make their own studio. In 2007, Kevin was named the chief of that studio and began to develop what would go on to be this jumbled mess of media:

The Marvel Cinematic Universe gave way to an entirely new method for making movies, now being applied to Star Wars, Lego, and even the goddamn The Mummy. It’s completely changed franchises and made a once-bankrupt Marvel Studios the hottest goddamn game in town… all ironically thanks to a fucking DC Comics movie. Thanks a bunch, you sulky jerks!

3

A Mailing Error By A Fresno Librarian Kicked Off The “Brat Pack” Era

All you Val-speaking, Atari-playing, AIDS-epidemic-ignoring ’80s kids no doubt perk up at the mention of the “Brat Pack,” but in case you’re scratching your supple 20-something heads, we’re referring to a group of young actors who swarmed Hollywood around the early 1980s. Luminaries like Rob Lowe, Tom Cruise, Demi Moore, and all those The Breakfast Club motherfuckers were birthed from this era. The phrase “Brat Pack” was coined in a New York article, and became the soil in which a lot of pretty careers were cultivated.

Also, it was started by this lady:

Her name is Jo Ellen Misakian, and back in 1972 she was hired as a librarian aide at the Lone Star School in Fresno, California. While there, she noticed that the naturally reading-averse students all loved the same book, so she helped them start a petition to turn it into a movie. After attempting (and failing) to contact the author, Jo Ellen decided to just take a shot in the dark and mail the book to a known director instead. The book, by the way, was The Outsiders — the basis for the very first of the Brat Pack films, which kicked off the stellar careers of actors like Cruise, Lowe, Emilio Estevez, Patrick Swayze, Matt Dillon, Ralph Macchio, that other guy, and that other other guy.

And this never would have existed as a film if it wasn’t for Mrs. Misakian, her plucky kid pals, and the fact that she totally fucked up mailing their petition.

You see, after deciding Francis Ford Coppola should direct the movie, Misakian found his New York address in the reference section of the Fresno library and mailed a copy of the petition there — but Coppola was living in Los Angeles at the time. The New York address was outdated and unused… and, consequently, got very little mail. However, it just so happened that Coppola was in New York that week, and was able to personally see the letter for that reason.

According to a producer there at the time, “It was lucky for the kids that we were in New York when it was sent over.” Eventually, Coppola read the attached book, optioned it, and then began production on the film, all while maintaining a correspondence with the librarian who first sent it to him.

In the end, the film was attributed to Misakian and her class — the closing credits saying, “The film The Outsiders is dedicated to the people who first suggested that it be made — librarian Jo Ellen Misakian and the students of The Lone Star School in Fresno, California.” The Brat Pack was born, and like a thousand careers started… all because a librarian sucked at tracking down someone’s more-current address.

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Jurassic World And The New Star Wars Got Their Director From A Silly ’90s Magazine Ad

After culturally blue-balling us with talking raptors, the Jurassic Park franchise re-exploded the box office with Jurassic World‘s $1.6 billion dollars in ticket sales. World will go on to get a sequel (obviously), and the director is now working on Episode IX of Star Wars. And oddly enough, it was back in the decade when the first Jurassic Park became a hit (and we all thought Star Wars prequels would be, like, the raddest shit ever) that an author named John Silveira was inadvertently shaping all these events, like a secret John Hammond.

Back in the ’90s, Silveira would occasionally submit content for Backwoods Home Magazine. His job was to fill in gaps of the magazine’s classified section with whatever joke bullshit that came into his head. It was a fun gig with a specific and sparse readership, by definition.

Then, one day in 1997, Silveira was asked to contribute right before a deadline (what kind of backwoods magazi– oh, right). Without any prepared jokes, he remembered the opening lines to an old unfinished novel he had been working on years back. With the clock ticking, John spun the words into a fake classified ad and submitted the following:

Yes. That ad. Silveira had created what would later become a meme that would inspire Colin Trevorrow to make an indie film called Safety Not Guaranteed, about a dude looking for a time-travel partner. Not long after, director Brad Bird was being approached by Disney and Lucasfilm to direct the next Star Wars film — and in turning it down for Tomorrowland (yikes), Bird recommended they watch Trevorrow’s little movie.

In short, two major sci-fi franchises ended up being completely dependent on an indie comedy director who was inspired by some joke-writing weirdo in Southern California. And speaking of stuff Spielberg once touched…

1

Like Schindler’s List And The Coen Brothers? You Can Thank The Evil Dead For That

It’s not exactly controversial to say that the Coen Brothers are two of the most influential and iconic directors of this era. We also probably won’t get any hate mail for praising Liam Neeson’s performance in Schindler’s List, or really any of his subsequent roles. What will sound insane, however, is that all of these things are of direct result of the 1981 horror film The Evil Dead. You know, the one where a woman gets fucked by trees before turning into a Kandarian basement demon.

It was on this film that a young Joel Coen was working as an assistant editor while trying to make his debut with a script he co-wrote with his brother. While there, director Sam Raimi convinced the Coens to shoot a fake trailer for their script, which subsequently led to them finding investors for the movie — eventually called Blood Simple. You might recognize this as the pivotal moment leading to decades of amazing films like The Big Lebowski, No Country For Old Men, The Hudsucker Proxy, and certainly not Garfield (common mistake).

Meanwhile, while casting Blood Simple, the brothers went to see a play called Crimes Of The Heart. It featured Holly Hunter, who they immediately wanted to cast… but couldn’t, for scheduling reasons. However, Hunter went home from the audition and mentioned the film to her roommate: Frances McDormand. Frances, of course, would go on to kick ass in the role, marry Joel Coen, and play one of the most badass baby-ovens to ever point a gun at Peter Stormare.

And it gets weirder. Because while Holly didn’t get the role in Blood Simple, she would later move into a Silverlake home with both Coen brothers, McDormand, and Raimi — who at the time was writing Evil Dead II on the porch. Cut to a few years later, and a young actor named Bill Paxton got a phone call from his friend James Cameron asking if he had heard of Evil Dead II. When Paxton said no, Mr. Titanic rushed him to a local showing, as any loyal friend would. After falling in love with Raimi’s slapstick horror style, B-Pax auditioned for the director’s follow-up, Darkman. You with us so far?

According to Paxton (who later worked with Raimi on A Simple Plan), while he got super close to landing the role, he “made the mistake” of informing another friend about the movie as well. It was Liam Neeson.

Neeson got the role and killed it as the titular rubber-faced rage goon in Darkman, which was then seen by a stage actress named Natasha Richardson. At the time, Richardson was putting together a production of Anna Christie, and thanks to Darkman, she pursued Neeson to play a role. Not only would his performance in the show end in a marriage with Richardson, but it would grab the attention of a director in the audience… who at the time was casting an upcoming film called Schindler‘s Fucking List.

YEP. Liam Neeson’s entire career exploded because Bill Paxton was dragged to a screening of Evil Dead II and fell in love. Consider this yet another reason he’s going to be deeply missed. RIP, you ultimate badass.

David is an editor and columnist for Cracked. Please direct all your goddamn “hellos” to his Twitter account.

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