#i feel like the binder is not helping but anyway
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timeless - lee donghyuck
wc: 1.6k
summary: visiting a photobooth, yours and hyuck’s love is evident, and with your pair of photo strips it’s now timeless <3
warnings: not proofread, sexual jokes, so much fluff, don’t read this if you’re single !!! it’s so cute and so romantic it will make you feel lonely !!! (i say while being single)
an: umm i may or may not have written this in one hour… i was completely stuck and decided to write a sentence, see what happens, and then all of a sudden i finished it 😨 i hope you all enjoy !!! i actually love this sm (˶◜ᵕ◝˶) tysm to my love @cigsaftersuh for requesting !!! enjoy ♡
(caramel masterlist here!! ʕ ᵔⰙᵔ⠕ʔ)
───── ⋆⋅ ⊹ ⁺ 𐔌 ᩧ ຼ ͡ ৯ ♡໒⁀ ᩧຼ ꒱ིྀ ⁺ ⊹ ⋅⋆ ─────
you’re making your way to the end of the amusement park, everyone in your group feeling very out of it. since at least two rides ago, your child, technically your boyfriend, had been dragging his feet. all of hyuck’s friends were getting tired too, you could see it in the way their eyes drooped and they lazily chewed at the cotton candy and other snacks in their hands.
it truly was a fun day, heading out at around noon to go to an amusement park all day with hyuck and his friends. it was something that you were truthfully dreading, being that you never really liked them that much, but the way his face lit up at the idea of attending was something you could never say no to. and truthfully, after a while they weren’t so bad. maybe their frontal lobes have all developed and are finally becoming men with humor that isn’t backed by jokes about farts and genitalia.
anyway, you’re getting closer to the entrance when donghyuck finally stops using you as a human crutch, grabbing your attention before pointing toward something in the distance. following the direction of his finger, you spot a photobooth in the distance and you’re immediately making your way towards it. he takes a large sip of whatever heavily sugared drink he bought earlier in the day, using it to wake up before telling the group where you’re running off to.
“we’re going to the photobooth, so don’t leave us while we’re in there.” he says, stretching and shaking away his fatigue.
immediately, jaemin’s looking at the metal box and its red curtain, smirking. “yeah, we’ll be waiting. don’t do anything other than take photos though..”
hyuck was fully ready to start fighting back, already forming an explanation as to why exhibitionism is perfectly fine but jaemin’s obnoxious cackles overpowered any and all of his rebuttals. accepting the slap on his shoulder, he huffs, making his way over to you.
you’re waiting patiently outside the booth, some other group already in there. he stands beside you, snaking an arm around your waist as you lean against the wall of it. truthfully, hyuck didn’t even have any sort of affinity towards them, but knowing you do he was more than happy to help you take any opportunity to visit them. he’s even bought you one of those cute binders for all your photo strips, pairing the gift with deco stickers for you to cover it in. of course, he got two to keep him and your friends separate as well.
“did you have fun?” you ask, pulling him out of his still sleepy daze.
he turns to you, smiling softly. “of course. best day ever.” he leans in, giving you a kiss to your cheek. “you didn’t have to say yes though, ‘cause i could tell you were hesitating when i asked.”
you flush, despite knowing he always sees through you. “yeah.. but now that we actually did it, i’m really enjoying myself. your friends aren’t that annoying anymore, too.”
he chuckles, sucking air in through his teeth. “of course. you showed me the way, so i enlightened them too.”
you hum, taking his arm in yours, resting your head on his shoulder. the sun is a perfect orange-purple, and the lights adorning all the attractions have flickered on a while ago. it’s truly picture worthy, but you’re more tired than you’d like to admit and choose to stay in the moment. you can see the group sitting at a picnic table, jisung’s flash accidentally turning on as he and the others try snapping photos of you two, and they giggle softly. you turn to point it out to hyuck but the other group is leaving.
he’s already dragging you in, sliding into the cramped booth before pulling you into his lap. before you can even make an attempt at paying for the photo strips he’s pulling his wallet from your bag (yes yours, why get something to carry his stuff when he buys you enough for the both of you?) and making the payment.
“how many?” he asks, gesturing to the screen in front of you. his arms slide around your waist, his hands resting over your stomach. the way his thumbs glide against your stomach make you feel a little dazed as you try reading the options, but eventually you pick the option with two strips.
“two copies. one for me, one for you.” you say simply, reaching out to click your option.
the countdown immediately starts, and you’re both full of giggles as you hurriedly try to decide your first pose. he’s throwing plenty out like spitfire, and through your fit of laughter you’re denying every one. ‘no, i’m not doing a nerd pose!’ or ‘nooo, something cuter!’ coming from you as he tickles you in attempt to stop your protests. eventually, the ten second countdown comes to an end, and the first photo snaps to capture a photo of you both giggling.
“aw, hyuckie, come on! i wasn’t even ready!” you complain, playfully swatting at his shoulder.
“oops. sorry mama, but come on. you’ll look hot regardless of how ready you were.” he dramatically looks you up and down, and you roll your eyes at his over the top flirting.
glancing at the screen, there’s eight seconds left, and you take his face in your palms. “let’s do an actually good one now.” there’s a speaker beeping signalling the last three seconds, and that’s when you lean in, giving hyuck a sweet, slow kiss.
even after the shutter sounds, he’s bringing you closer, pulling away to give you two, three more before he finally pulls away.
you sigh, recollecting yourself. “last one.. let’s be tame this time, okay?”
he nods obediently, ready to listen to you now that his need for your kisses has been fulfilled. you lean in, smushing your cheek against his with the cutest pout, and he mimics it immediately. with your hand brought up to his, you make a heart together, of course not without bending your pointer finger to make it a cat. the camera flashes one last time, and once the large pink bubble letters say you’re done, you excitedly get out of the booth to receive the printed strips.
waiting for them to fall out of the opening, you’re nearly bouncing on your feet. hyuck’s got your bag and he pulls his phone out, sneakily taking a few photos of you in your excitement before pocketing it for later. you’re just too beautiful for him to not capture it forever, your eyes glimmering with the multicolored lights all around you. once the photo strips are printed you pull them out, and you squeal, your smile growing impossibly bigger.
the first photo, of you giggling, is so perfect. you were apprehensive at first, afraid it was gonna catch your worst angle being that it was unexpected but it couldn’t have been better. your eyes are shut, smile big with pure joy. hyuck is looking up at you, his eyes glimmering with so much love. you didn’t notice it in there, but now that you’re looking at the photo your entire body heats at the way he’s looking at you like you’re the entire world.
the second one, you kissing, is adorable. you can’t wait to post it, knowing all your friends will be swooning over your relationship and you’ll be getting so many compliments about it. your hair is covering your face, the majority of it capturing the back of your head, but donghyuck is in almost full view. his eyes are shut, and his hand is making its way to the back of your head. the picture is radiating with love, and there’s no doubt in your mind that you’ll be showing it to your kids one day, and maybe even theirs.
the final one of you in your heart pose is the cherry on top, not outwardly romantic, balancing the other two out perfectly. you two look adorable in your little world together. your hand is on his cheek, pulling him into you, and both your lips are puffing up into a pout with how your faces smush together. it’s so you, and you know everyone will be able to tell you picked the pose out with the kitty heart.
there’s a pink, heart patterned frame around the photos, and at the bottom there’s the name of the park and a date. it blends the three photos together perfectly, and you’re thankful there’s no face warping photo. there’s a little bit of an orangey, hazy coloring over them, but it makes it all the better, giving it an old-timey romance vibe. hyuck’s skin is the right shade in all of them too, his tan being safe from any whitewashing technology.
“damn, can i see them yet?” he complains, coming forward and taking one of the two from you.
you look up at him expectantly, watching his reaction as his eyes trail down the strip. his cheeks flush, and he’s smiling lovingly at them. saying nothing, he looks to you and pulls you in for the sweetest hug, leaving a kiss at the top of your forehead.
as you make your way back to the group, he wraps his arm around your shoulder, “i actually really love this. like, i’m gonna get it tattooed right here.” he turns to you, already laughing at himself as his free hand makes a line across his forehead.
you giggle, leaning into him. “you’re so stupid! don’t do it, the photo is permanent enough.”
“true, true,” he says, laughing as you make your way to his friends, showing the photo strip. they’re all groaning, complimenting you two and your cuteness, all while complaining about their loneliness.
looking back down at his copy, his smile is soft. he’s the luckiest man in the world, having you, and he’ll be sure to never lose the strip as a way to remember and keep you forever.
───── ⋆⋅ ⊹ ⁺ 𐔌 ᩧ ຼ ͡ ৯ ♡໒⁀ ᩧຼ ꒱ིྀ ⁺ ⊹ ⋅⋆ ─────
#mejaemin#nct#nct dream#nct 127#nct x reader#nct dream x reader#nct 127 x reader#lee donghyuck#lee donghyuck x reader#haechan#haechan x reader#lee haechan#lee haechan x reader#donghyuck#donghyuck x reader#fluff#haechan fluff#lee donghyuck fluff#lee haechan fluff#nct fluff#nct dream fluff#nct 127 fluff#— caramel ʕ ᵔⰙᵔ⠕ʔ
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Me: I'd really like to take a deep breath now.
My body: okay, go ahead.
My body:
Also my body: the price for that deep breath will be excruciating pain, you know that, right?
#this is literally what intercostal pain feels like#tw pain#you trying to breathe deeply and your chest hurting like hell for no reason#i feel like the binder is not helping but anyway#pupil's original
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to all the trans guys out there who want to bind but can't, whether it be because of sensory issues or breathing problems or any other reason:
you're not any less of a man for it. it doesn't mean you're okay with them or want to have them there, and if people try to imply that you are because you don't bind, then they're in the wrong for that and you have my permission to not listen to a word out of their mouth. there are people out there who'll believe you about your experience even if you can't do the "typical trans guy things" like binding. i hope that one day you'll be able to access top surgery, if that's a possibility for you <3
#i feel like i always see positivity for non-binding trans dudes from the lens of them being ok with their chest#which is fine & obv doesn't make you any less of a guy either#but it makes me feel worse whenever i can't bind due to my binder being dirty or whatever bc it's like#do they think i want them there now? i don't want people to think that of me (when they do know I'm trans i mean)#and i thought it might be helpful to reassure other trans guys who are similar that them not binding isn't going to signal to other people#that you want to keep them there#unless they're crappy anyway. in which case maybe don't be around them quite as much#trans#transmasc#trans guy#trans man#transsexual#transgender#transmasc positivity#trans positivity#o.
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Was talking today with a friend about how monumental it was for me as a trans person and a lesbian who was uncomfortably presenting feminine, to meet my butch best friend in college, and how just being friends with them, and hearing about their experience as a butch really allowed me the space to feel comfortable exploring my own gender expression and identity, and how I feel like I’m a more complete person for having known them because they made me feel so incredibly safe in the journey and I now feel so much more comfortable presenting the way I want to and not the way I expect people to want me to, and the friend I was talking to said that I was that for them. So dress as faggy as you fucking want to and be as loud as you want to about it. It’s your god-given right to be DRIPPING with dykery and transgenderism because you never know if you’re going to be that lightbulb moment or safe queer space for someone!
#it made me more emotional and happy than I could possibly describe#The opposite of generational trauma lol#anyway shout out to my butch best friend#for giving me my first buzz cut#and helping me find a website to order a binder from#etc#and for being so fucking supportive when I started to explore masculinity#So Teddy if you see this#Thank you for everything and I really owe this journey to myself and to you#because I know what I was like and I never would’ve made that journey when I did if it wasn’t for you and your support#I was really letting fear control my life and you were the first person who told me it didn’t have to be that way#And it changed my life in the most incredible way#I get to experience queerness and transness in such a joyful and euphoric way every single day now#so thank youuuuuuu#I love you so much and I feel so lucky to be your friend#I don’t know if you’ll ever see this#but I like the thought but it’s out there on my Tumblr and you might one day read this#and tell Soph to accept my follow request on TikTok#transgender#butch#lesbian
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Coming out because wanting people to address me in a different way, but watch out. If they continue to not do that it'll hurt more than if they just don't know
#Feeling upset rn#I feel like i wasted money on this binder because it doesn't help#If i'm getting she/her'ed all over the place anyway
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WE SHOULD NORMALIZE NOT TALKING ABOUT/POSTING ABOUT A NEW SHOW/EPISODES/MOVIE UNTIL A DAY LATER OR AT LEAST ACTUALLY FUCKING SAY IT IS A SPOILER IM GOING TO LITERALLY RIP OUT MY TEETH FOR THE AMOUNT OF THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN SPOILED FOR ME IN THE PAST WEEK BECAUSE OF PEOPLE NOT WAITING OR ACTUALLY SAYING IT CONTAINS SPOILERS PLEASE PLEASE STOP/nm/but I’m literally going to cry if I keep getting spoiled/srs
#teehee#dear god help me#please please please#please#I just want to have the same surprise factor as everyone else#like I don’t want to come off as bitchy but like I can’t be the only one that feels this#anyways#miku binder jefferson#is real and is actually god#grug#grug moment#not grug moment
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seeing as december's a day away and that means ~holiday season~- i have a bunch of old binders of various makes & sizes (some idk origin, a few gc2b, anywhere from XS to L?, diff colours/types) that i wld love to give to ppl who need them. i can update this l8r with more details but ig i was wondering if anyone wld be interested or knows anyone in need? id be willing to ship within canada, maybe to the USA for small enough pckg. otherwise i'll just donate to a local binder exchange but i figured this way if anyone is in particular need it's nice to know im directly helping ig!
i also have some rolls of biege kinesiology tape if that's of interest either in itself or in addition.
peace n love on planet earth
#they shld all already be clean and have just been sitting in my drawers or on my dresser for yrs lol#but i cld wash them once more jic ig?#theyre in various Condition like ones looking a little rough and a couple have pit stains LOL but otherwise r great. some may as well b new#the not gc2b ones are like.. as far as i know i got from someone local who was working w wholesale/manufacturer in china to help ppl get#affordable decently working binders so. they have like. bra hook type thing up the side. fairly breatheable. not the BEST compression but#i found them helpful esp after yrs of binding bc i cld just unhook or make the thing bigger whenever needed break ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#the sizes on them might be like. different too so ill have to measure but yeah.#id also be down to sell for cheap or for sm1 to pay the shipping like thats cool for me too.#the reason i have so many is bc my weight kept fluctuating then needing the more adaptable ones n fsr dude gave me Many#n i was binding daily n liked having clean ones yk. if i wasnt binding i was layering sports bras. eventually just started taping. etc.#anyway yeah lmk. feel free to share/rb/reply/whatever.#and if this gets 0 response thats cool too just figured id give it a shot here b4 donating local thatll figure it out for me lol#ew ok here come some tags bc i realized it cld use them huh:#trans#transmasc#transmasculine#ftm#transgender#trans ftm#trans ftnb#trans ftx#is trans like xtm or xtnb a thing for like. intersex ppl? or are there other terms/words?#ftr im not a big fan of ftm/ftnb etc as a label for Myself or in general but ppl who do identify as such all the power to u#the only benefit of 'ftm' to me is how its a good way to get info u need bc its used w surgeons and other resources n makes it easier#but like the Implications of it are . irksome ig IS THAT THE WORD IDK? feels like a step backwards or playing into cisnorm stuff IDK lol#ermmm ummm uhhh#binders#chest binders#ftm binder
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i don't trust anyone that had a good time in middle school. it's a hellish first encounter of what's on the other side of childhood and designed to be a period of adjustment; it's not supposed to be comfortable. if you enjoyed being in seventh grade something is fundamentally wrong with you, and i'm like an animal sensing another animal has rabies or something. don't come any closer or i'll attack.
#in seventh grade i had no friends and was obsessed with learning this fictional language that was created for the myst game universe#they had all the grammar and stuff online and i contacted the guy who invented the language and asked him specific questions#and he answered me every time so i had this whole binder of language lessons straight from him#to this day i hold that guy close to my heart and keep up with his work bc he really came thru for me when i needed someone#he listened at a time when i felt very unheard and made me feel like i mattered and that was important even if it was just about a dumb#game bc it wasn't about that it was about someone telling me i'm not alone after all and there are other people like me out there#and that helped me see beyond the very small world of seventh grade into a greater future that contained possibilities for happiness#and it also made me realize that the internet could help me find and connect with people over even the most obscure fascinations#which was huge for me bc i had mostly been using the internet to print sailor moon pictures and spam chat rooms with#shakespeare monologues bc kids are annoying on the internet and i was weird but i was still a kid#anyway first date question: how do you feel about the seventh grade experience? this reveals so much about a person so quickly#i'm brilliant follow me for more excellent life advice i post unedited as it occurs to me in real time#personal#cyan worlds
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ive alwyas believed concerts / festivals are energy harvesting rituals. (good AND bad depending on the artist) but . good things??? that didnt feel entirely Good .
#i mean some sets werent Awful w that. some of tjem felt Neutral like a 'lets exchange energy'#but there was twp sets i attended n . it felt sp Negative and Bad like the artists (i think#or it cpuldve been tbe crowd) was just 'im going yo Drain this Crowd for my ow personal usage“ n it Sucked.#sws esp. that felt particularily Awful. n idk why :(#but it was fun. i just have two ppls Nwgative energy swirling aroubd my orbit. bc i actively went to heal two kids.#a girl in a panic n a boy freaking out / having hwalth issues.#and just man. that was a cool skill in itswlf. that i actively sought them out energetically and then just . went to help thwm#the poor girl i didnt even realise she was . Upset . like not to that degree.#so i just stood behind her w my hand on her back and Drained her negative feelings#i tried to replace it w something good / neutral. but . thats smth i still struggle with. is pushing my own energy intocppl Deliberately.#bc i didnt wanna make her worse . bc i waant feeling the best to begin with . but i Tried to just calm her down n lwt her know she was okay#n it helped i think. i could feel her slowly calming down and my legs started shaking which was my usual indicator ive picked up Mass#energy. n it had to be hers bc i was genuinely just focusing on her. it made me.sl fucming upset :(#n then the 15yr old boy#oh he was originally just a 'let me try n make u feel a lil bit better my dude' n then . it kinda became pbvious smth else was Wrong#and I Was needed to help him. n i did !!! he took his binder off (he passed as a 15yr old boy anyway. like there was nothing abt him that#was female. but the binder was causing health issues for him. so i did convince him to take it off for a few hours#he was sp fucking sweet n pure n i just . i wamma cry thinling abt how Pure he just Felt . like#damaged . he was def carrying some damage. but . i didnt care i just wanted to make sure he was okay right then#idk i jus had a feeling once he mentioned the vinder that That was an issue and he needed to take it off for a bit. im jus glad he listened#but yea. tjat entire festival was fucked. jus . Man .
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The absolute hell that is having a binder that is too small for you
#im so glad i have no real life atm bc otherwise this would kill me#i can go about two hours before my lungs feel like theyre merging with my stomach and i have to stop#literally have to#not bc i want to but bc i will literally throw up if i try#or start crying from pain#anyway my new binders are on their way but silly little worrier me waited perhaps a tad too long for this#dw guys tho i AM otherwise fine#or at least. functioning as per usual.#anyway shout out to my mum who doesnt get it bc i had to try and dance around the conversation for ten minutes#whilst being in a lot of discomfort/pain and also 100% NOT wanting to have that conversation with her#like mum pls you always go on about how i never ask for help and now that i do its all “are you okay whats happening tell me everything im#worried this is so out of character for you“ GIRL YOU WONDER WHY IM ALWAYS SHUTTING UP AROUND YOU???#this got away from me#i have a bit of pent up anger#its called vague posting FOR A REASON#moss' madness
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going tomorrow to buy hockey pads :) ready to drop another paycheck on hockey gear lets GOOOOO
#im also like. lowkey nervous about it? i think its just bc like. someones gonna have to help me size it#i'll probably end up wearing my binder bc a) i'm getting top surgery next year anyway so i want it to fit regardless of my chest#and b) it doesn't flatten me THAT much more than my sports bras do so it shouldn't REALLY affect my size but it'll make me feel better whil#they're trying to size me#so#atlas.txt#atlas plays hockey
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just got off the bus feeling very ill and sitting on display furniture way at the back of this homesense because i cannot keep walking lest i collapse+ cant be in plain sight or else an employee will get me ...
#i tried to take a break from coffee and it made me feel shitty bc i was too tired to focus and drinking coffee helps me focus but it also#makes my anxiety worse. somehow i can get work done but i also feel like an animal being hunted for sport#anyway that + feeling more sleep deprived than usual + wearing my binder for 8+ hours is kicking my ass rn#z.post
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idk why but my top surgery experience was supremely chill compared to literally everything i've read
#like#i didn't have to get drains#i didn't have to stop t#i can still put on deodorant#i got off the opiods after abt a day and have been fine on just tylenol since#i've been able to shower twice already (with help from my fiance the first time)#the opiods made me feel Rough so i'm glad to be off them. by rough i mean it was difficult to like#see and concentrate. and they made me feel constantly low-level nauseous and again#I COULDN'T CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING#was a tad frustrating#but i haven't needed em so that's sick#obviously the reaching problem is real i shld have planned more for having t-rex arms because#all my shit is on top shelves#also the medications are not openable by a recently surgeried lmao get help#sleeping is a nightmare though i haven't slept properly since before my surgery#OH and i've been changing the bandages but there's been barely any leak on them so that's nice#the compression binder sucks but i can take it off every day or so to change bandages n shower#i also didn't get nipple grafts cause i'm planning tattoos anyway#having healing tattoos is good practice for top surgery wound care for me lmao i usually tear a cut open ten million#times#but top surgery i gotta be more careful with#anyway they didn't even shave me i still have all my chest hair and everything (the tape. it's not great)
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growing pains — ellie williams
ellie williams x f reader
7k
fluff, angst, smut >O<
ellie if nothing bad happened to her ever, childhood friends to acquaintances(?) to lovers, longing, joel is involved, ellie is a DWEEB! but so are you, car sex, classic misunderstandings
to the lovely folks that asked to be tagged, i hope this meets your expectations… i am terrified of failing you: @macaroni676 @d3sperationn @g3latin
beta read by @heartofrhea my best friend my apologies for being cringelord
The universe can be so cruel.
You sit at the edge of the curb, curling your legs to yourself to feel less vulnerable. Your phone rolls in your hand, tears of frustration prickling at your eyes. You probably should’ve known better. Well— you do know better. That sinking, intuitive feeling had been swirling in the center of your stomach all night, but you had let your desperation and loneliness take ahold of you.
You had agreed to go out with some friends and some friends of friends; people you didn’t know jackshit about, but hung out with anyway. You had hoped you didn’t reek of seclusion too bad, feeling like a wounded animal in a crowd of predators.
But your friends and their friends didn’t really care. They had pulled away from you in the club, losing you to flashing lights and crowded bodies. You searched up and down, called their names in the dingy bathrooms, and even asked the bartender. No dice; you were here to party alone. Now what was the point of even coming along?
Silly.
You initially opted to order an Uber to just get the fuck off the street already, but hey— it’s a Friday night and finals are over. The prices listed cost more than six different coffee runs, and there’s no way you’d be giving those up.
It’s how you end up sitting on the curb and fervently wiping your tears away, cringing when you remember your hands had been touching all the club door handles and god knows what else. You feel dirty, forgotten.
You unlock your phone and dim the brightness— the stupid thing almost all out of battery— and turn to what seems to be a last resort, an option that you’ve buried away at the back of your mind for years now.
Pressing your phone to your ear, you can’t help but sigh as the line rings repeatedly, almost positive that you’re completely out of luck.
It falls silent for a second before there’s faint rustling on the other side, and a voice so familiar, so painful to hear, questions you softly.
“Ellie,” you say breathlessly; from fatigue or relief, you’re not sure anymore. “Can you come get me?”
Becoming friends with Ellie Williams was almost too easy.
That’s just how she is as a person. So easy to be around; her voice and twinkling laugh showing no threat.
It began with Mrs. Sullivan’s freshman class seating chart; a table of four with you, Ellie, and two other boys who were too preoccupied with copying off each other’s notes half the time for you to even remember their names. You mostly kept to yourself as a weird adolescent, the onslaught of teenage hormones and emotions forcing you into your own little world.
Ellie, on the other hand, was different. She had noticed the front page cover of Savage Starlight slipped into the front sleeve of your binder, the edges frayed and jagged as if you had actually ripped it off. She was almost offended at the sight of such a careless pull, but found the emotion wavering once she realized you read the comics just like her.
“Hey! No way!” she had exclaimed with a growing smile, her eyes lit up. She had half a mind to just reach over and take your binder, fingers skimming over the glossy cover. She stopped herself mid-way, mind racing before she asked with just as much glee, “Can I see? I don’t think I’ve been able to get ahold of that edition yet.”
Your short-lived conversations about Savage Starlight began to transform into lunchroom giggle sessions and bike rides on the way home. She was so easy to fall into; it was almost like she had a part of herself that was reserved just for you, eager for your arrival.
The thing about your dynamic was that it was so intricately woven over time, each thread of yourself intertwining with her own as you came to know each other better. Unabashed adoration and excitement with every laugh, with every moment of eye contact across the classroom and dinner table at home: a twinkle of unwavering youth and closeness.
And the thing was, when it came to you, Ellie was not prideful at all. She would openly admit any given moment that there had to be a hole in her heart that was in the shape of you. The two of you fit so nicely in each other’s lives, slipping into a familiar rhythm that almost seemed karmic, even at such a young age. While you were surrounded by other girls your age navigating their own pent up emotions and typical coming-of-age realizations, turning against each other and whispering dirty secrets, Ellie only seemed to cling onto you— hanging onto your every word with sincerity and trust.
It didn’t take long before Ellie began to invite you over to sleepovers, which was new territory for both her and Joel. He was already a little awkward as-is, navigating life with a teenage girl who had the same foul mouth and temperament as he.
So when you came around, greeting him with little smiles and kind language, he couldn’t help but feel his heart sway in relief, happy that Ellie has someone like you in her life.
You’d tumble off your bikes, leaving them strewn across the front yard, crushing the grass he labored so hard over. But he didn’t mind, relieved to see the two of you arrive in one piece, losing yourself in video game releases and comic book pages as you both sat in her bedroom.
Joel became a sort of fly on the wall for you two, ever-present as you were fairly comfortable in their home. Tuning the both of you in and out, listening closely for anything that may alarm him (which, never happened). Sitting across the both of you at the dinner table, serving up a quick and easy bowl of Hamburger Helper to you two. He’d glance at the two of you from under his eyelashes, watching how either you or Ellie would lean into each other as you splayed out homework sheets on the table, muttering to each other in curiosity. The two of you may have been better off sharing a single chair, he’d think to himself in amusement.
Again, your presence in Ellie’s life and in his home never worried him. It became routine for him as well, watching the two of you bike up the block together almost every day after school.
One hot summer afternoon, he stood on the porch, prying off the entrance screen door in an attempt to replace it, the critters from the greenbelt nearby winning at their efforts to nibble away at the material.
From afar, he could hear the growing sound of your chattering, your bike chains clicking repeatedly as you breezed down the sidewalk. He glanced over his shoulder, watching as you two fought amicably, reaching out to each other in a playful attempt to push the other off their bike. He chuckled to himself and turned his gaze back to the screen door, fingers prying at the edges.
Behind him, Ellie reached a little too far to the side, fingers brushing against your arm before she toppled over sideways off her bike. She collapsed with a laugh-yelp, swearing at you in a way that made you burst out laughing, your shoes dragging across the concrete to stop your bike.
You hopped off your seat, carelessly letting it fall to the side as you approached Ellie, laughing at her as she pushed herself off the ground.
“You idiot,” you breathed out in between laughs, nearly folding in on yourself as the incident repeated in your mind.
“Dude!” she scolded lightheartedly, trying to feign annoyance, and of course failing. She stuck out her arm to show you a deep scrape right above her elbow. “This shit burns.”
You caught your breath and stepped closer, eyeing the scrape. It was rather gnarly, and you inwardly winced at yourself knowing it was probably going to scab horribly.
“Damn,” you muttered to yourself, holding her arm and twisting it to get a better look. Joel eyed the way you two interacted, pulling away from his task as he glimpsed the bloody splotch on Ellie’s elbow.
From where he was, he couldn’t exactly make out the words that you two exchanged, your voices lowered significantly. From the look of it, you were offering an apology. He didn’t catch the way you smiled up at her apologetically, but he was positive that his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him when you leaned in and placed a harmless, healing kiss onto her arm, right above the scrape.
It was, in reality, lighthearted and childish. A testament to your playfulness, your eagerness to please Ellie’s heart.
And although Ellie didn’t realize it, there was a flicker of emotion that crossed her face. A change in her eyes; in the way that she looked at you. It flew over your head, too; busy smiling up at her, pulling her closer with the strength of the sun’s gravity.
But Joel noticed. He caught this sudden change, this glimmer on Ellie’s face. He felt the complexities of youth and new emotion washing over him again, a short chuckle leaving his lips as he turned away, focusing back on fixing the screen door.
Later that night, he pulled Ellie aside.
“Hey, kid. I’m gonna need you to keep the door open when she’s around, alright?”
“What?” Ellie asked, utterly oblivious. A look of distaste flittered across her features.
He was trying to remain as nonchalant as possible, knowing all too well that if he pushed too hard or looked too stern, Ellie would just defy him out of her own stubborn nature. He folded some blankets over the couch, eyes avoiding hers. “Just keep it open, Ellie.”
She groaned in annoyance and threw her head back, hands falling to her sides. She looked truly exasperated, confused with this sudden change in house rules.
That night, as the door remained cracked open, Joel walked by Ellie’s bedroom to sort some towels in the hallway closet. His ears picked up her frustrated tone; “…wants me to leave the door open now. Never heard of a rule as stupid as that, but whatever.”
You giggled calmly, then fell silent for a second. “It’s okay. My mom has that rule too, for my brother and his girlfriend.”
And he could almost hear the way Ellie’s face scrunched up, a confused groan escaping her again. She failed to reply, and the topic at hand was dropped as soon as you leaned over to her and showed her a page from a new comic, rambling on about how the plot hole in this series was diabolical.
He silently walked away, mind wandering as he tried to think about how to approach this blooming situation, a flicker of both hope and protection illuminating in his chest.
It was junior year of high school when the foundation of your friendship began to split, allowing something else to slip into it. Something sneaky, deceitful, something that constantly rendered you speechless and warm.
You no longer rode your bikes or shared comic books; you were much too old for that now! Ellie had just gotten her license, a little too eager to drive Joel’s old beat up truck around with you in the passenger seat. And, of course, the both of you felt like true teenagers when you finally got phones.
You sat on Ellie’s bed, your knees pulled to your chest as you scrolled through your timeline. You giggled at random collages of pictures and videos, occasionally showing your screen to Ellie in hopes that she would laugh with you.
She sat on the other end of the bed, a rolled joint held delicately in her fingers. Joel wasn’t home, and her bedroom door was closed. The walls of her bedroom trapped the both of you with the smell of it, but you were slowly learning to not mind it as much.
When you first received a phone, you found yourself diving into social media, trying to keep up with this sudden boom of a new language, new jokes, new form of communication. Ellie, on the other hand, never touched her phone. If she was using it, it was probably because she was texting you. She refused to engage with any social media at all, meaning you had to sit and explain new jokes and trends to her. Sometimes, she’d try her hand at new lingo or an ongoing joke, but failed so miserably each time that you’d roll over her bedsheets in laughter.
She pressed the joint to her lips, eyes lazy as she looked at you with longing. The brightness from your screen illuminated your face, emphasizing every beauty mark and freckle.
“Hey,” she started, voice low. “C’mere.”
You looked up at her in curiosity, putting your phone down. Your eyes stayed trained on her as you scooted closer, the sides of your legs pressing against hers.
She wasn’t sure if it was the smoke or the way that you peered up at her that made the center of her body feel warm. She tilted her head away from you as she exhaled, the smoke clouding the space between you two; your heart thundered in your chest.
“Almost done,” she promised, voice only a little raspy. “Missed you; that thing is hoarding all your attention.” The corners of her mouth twitched.
“Is not!” you defended, shoving her shoulder with your own. “I’m right here.”
“Yeah,” she began, her hand coming up to tap at your head playfully. “But you’re not here. Let’s do something; been wanting to play a few rounds of that old zombie game.”
It was how you end up pressed into each other’s sides, hollering and giggling at the tiny TV screen on her bedroom dresser. You played erratically, your fingers relying on nonsensical button smashing to survive. Ellie had to constantly revive you every five minutes, but never mentioned it.
She missed the way you squealed in anticipation with every new round that started, your eyes wide as you spoke with a constant smile. And, maybe it was from her high, but she was a little too intent in the way that she watched you, her mind feeling far away as she memorized every crevice of your face from the side.
“Ellie!” you scolded, bringing her out of her daze. “No way you already died, the round just started!”
She turned her attention back to the screen, scoffing as her player screen was black and white, her character eye-level with the ground.
“Damn,” she muttered, surprised that she let herself slack off for so long. Too lost in your side profile, the dip of your lips, the way your lashes fluttered in surprise when a zombie attacked you in-game.
Your character raced towards her, shooting around sloppily before you pressed the buttons to revive her. Her hand found itself on the top of your thigh, right above your knee. Perhaps it was the fogginess of her mind, or a newfound boldness that spurts through her; but she squeezed at your leg, her eyes stuck on the screen. “Thanks,” she says a little too nonchalantly, like that was completely normal.
You swallowed thickly, your own movements faltering. There was a red ring forming around your player screen, indicating that you were being ruthlessly attacked.
She snickered, her voice playful. “Focus.”
The two of you kept on, your mind instead slipping up and focusing a little too hard on the way she touched you.
It was senior year when that particular, sneaky something begins to widen the cracks in your relationship. A feeling that blurred your vision, blurred your mind. A feeling that made it impossible to correctly decipher whatever it was that Ellie was going through, and the two of you began to fall apart.
It mostly started when Ellie got a job at a skate shop. For the most part, it was relaxed, her days consisting of seeing the same people come and go for wheels and decks. But it meant that she had less time to spend with you.
Initially, she would use every single day off to see you. To invite you over or to laze around on your fluffy duvet, listening to you ramble about your nervousness as graduation was approaching. She would take you out, spoil you rotten with the excitement of her new paychecks, saying fuck all to saving any money.
And in reality, you didn’t care about the way she spoiled you; granted, it was nice and certainly made your heart beat a certain way, but you mostly valued that she made the effort to see you still. Exchanging silent words and looks across the classroom was no longer sufficing your yearning heart.
Months passed and Ellie started to become a little bit more focused on balancing school and work; she was set on saving as college approaches, and you figured that the prospect of growing up had changed her. She was set on a college, set on astrophysics, set on buying Joel some land and maybe, hopefully, spoiling you some more in a few years down the line…
But she was maybe a little too caught up in it. She saw you less and less, accidentally channeling her friendly energy to her coworkers. And while you knew there was nothing wrong with that, you couldn’t help the bitter taste that rested on your tongue when she constantly brought up the names of others that you’d heard of countless times. A part of you wanted to turn to her, ask her so pathetically, why can’t you do the same with me?
You started to really feel like you were losing her when you finally got the chance to sit in her room again, the both of you babbling about what you think college will look like. At first, the comfort of her poster-covered walls and space trinkets settled your restless heart, and you had felt at home with her again.
It wasn’t until she slipped away to use the restroom, leaving her phone on her bed. The screen illuminated as it buzzed once, twice— three times. You should’ve left it alone, thinking maybe it was Joel warning her he’d be late from work. But you leaned over anyway, reading over the text on the screen.
For one, it was a coworker. You recognized the name on the notification; and for some reason, when you realized it was from the only other girl at her workplace, a horrible feeling nestled into your stomach.
And then you couldn’t help the minor feeling of betrayal as you realized they had been messaging each other on a social media platform; one of the many things Ellie swore up and down that she’d stay away from.
You didn’t even follow her on there. She never told you.
It’s silly, you thought. Ellie can do whatever she pleased. But this new turn of events, this tiny thing that was still so out of character; the foundation between you two felt almost completely severed.
Weeks passed from that day and you them found yourself pulling away. The both of you were accepted into the same college, but you couldn’t even find it in yourself to feel excited. Ellie begged you to fill out your housing papers on time so that the two of you could be roommates, but you purposefully procrastinated. You weren’t sure you could handle such close proximity with her anymore.
It was with this that the gap between the both of you widened. She didn’t drive you home anymore; it was time to put your own license to use. You two no longer exchanged knowing looks across the room, and you sure as hell didn’t share dinner with Joel anymore, either. You started to forget the exact layout of her bedroom.
Graduation came and went; you spent it in solitude, not really counting the presence of your family members. Ellie did race up to you and gave you a bone crushing hug, nose burying into your hair, but you were so caught up in it all that you didn’t reciprocate it.
It was another one of those minor things that widened the gap, made her step away from you both physically and emotionally.
Even when Joel offhandedly mentioned that he’d be okay with helping you move into your dorm, Ellie made up some excuse on the fly; saying your brother had it covered. She hadn’t even asked you.
So, just like that, summer passed in a blink. You spent your days curled up in your bed, wallowing. Ellie spent it trying to distract herself, losing herself in the presence of coworkers-turned-close-friends. You shamefully stalked her social media, tears pricking at your eyes as she posted places and things that seem so fun, so far away. Places and things that you would’ve liked.
What hurt more was the constant questioning from your family. Where’s Ellie? What’s she up to?
Hell if you knew. You’d been relying on her story highlights for snippets of her life, and even then they were still so vague. Scenery, music, her guitar. Someone else’s hands holding a deck of cards, videos with incessant giggling in the background. God, you were almost sickly with both wanting and loneliness.
And, just like that, it was freshman year again. This time, there was no seating chart. No binder for you to slip comic book covers into. No comfort of hopping on your bike and riding home with the only person that matters at your side.
You were in some sort of emotional purgatory. Your mind blank as you walked around campus, as you stared at your laptop screen in the dead of night, body aching as you slumped over and completed your coursework. The excitement and late nights that you and Ellie had planned were nowhere to be found.
On the other hand, Ellie busied herself so much, she found that she almost forgot you. Almost.
Burying herself into her homework, mind trying its hardest to wrap around these new concepts. Partying, though she wasn’t not really there. Smoking some, drinking some. It all still felt lonely.
She was enjoying this new group of friends, but they didn’t amount to the certain someone that still had their shape, their initials carved into the center of her heart. It was almost unbearable to exist without you; the two of you blending into each other so well, she still found herself saying things the way you did— the intonation, the little lingo, the mannerisms. Your existence was embedded into her own, folding over into her psyche so compact-tight, she knew she could never escape you.
Ellie assumed that now, at this point, it was about carrying you in her soul even though you were no longer around. The beauty of this life; she’d lost you, but not entirely. Your personality reflecting in her own no matter what, no matter how hard she tried. Her existence was a testament to your own— someone’s been here. Someone’s loved me.
Weeks passed. Months passed. The both of you constantly shuffling across the same campus, yet never running into each other. Your text messages now buried underneath more recent threads, your shared playlist long forgotten and neglected.
Winter break hit and the loneliness bit just as much as the cold. When Ellie returned home, she noticed her old bike in the garage, propped up against storage bins, the tires flat. When you returned home, you came back to photos of the both of you, pinned to your wall. Your breath stuttered in your throat as you took them down, throwing them into a box in your closet.
At the same time, yet separately, the both of you traversed new grounds, and odd fucked up forms of grief. Being in your own space yet running into things that reminded you of someone that you wanted the most. And it wasn’t not like they were gone; yet the both of you let go, deciding that somehow, it was for the better.
The cycle repeated as the seasons changed. Instead of actually moving on, the both of you just somehow got better at repressing your emotions and acting like nothing happened. Occasionally reflecting on your friendship in a daydream, and then reminding yourself that somehow, it just wasn’t meant to be. It was time to move on— she was never yours.
It’s summer now, the end of junior year. Ellie’s at her friend’s place, sipping on a poorly made drink as they play card games and tune into a new season of a trending series. She’s cross-legged on the floor, smiling to herself as her friends talk over each other, slamming the cards down on the coffee table and trying to warp the rules in their own favor. It’s fun, and it’s easy to sit back and watch everything unfold.
She feels her phone in her back pocket vibrating; assuming it’s Joel just checking up on her, she gets up and excuses herself, slipping out the back porch door.
When she reaches for her phone, her heart nearly stops beating altogether. In fact, she’s sure it does, as her stomach suddenly twists in confusion and pain, a small cough leaving her lips as she tries to collect herself. Your name shines on her screen as you call, and she’s so sure she’s hallucinating (the hell was in that drink?) until she swallows her surprise and answers.
And there you are. Breathless, exhausted. Immediately, she knows. Despite it being so long, despite the fact that she’s not entirely sure she knows you anymore, she still recognizes the tone in your voice, recognizes that you needed her.
“Where are you?” she blurts before you can finish your sentence, her body automatically pacing around. “Send me the address.”
You’re apologetic, sounding defeated on the other side. You tell her over and over again, I’m sorry.
There’s weight behind the way you say it, like you’re apologizing for something more. Like you’re counting all those times you shut her out, the times you let her slip through your fingers. It’s weak and shaky, but Ellie doesn’t bring it up. She’s too busy slipping on her shoes, keys dangling from her fingers as she mouths to her friends that she’ll see them later.
She stays with you on the phone the entire time she drives over to get you. She asks, over and over again, if you’re okay and in a safe area, and your heart twists with guilt and shame. You stay planted on the edge of the curb, looking like a wilted flower.
Ellie feels her heart drop to her stomach as she approaches the street that you sit on, her headlights illuminating your pathetic figure. She rolls down the window and pulls over, calling out to you.
Your eyes are low, the shame blatantly evident on your face. Ellie’s not sure how this will unfold; this isn’t exactly the way she dreamed the two of you would reunite. But that look on your face— Ellie knows it well enough. You’re both 15 again, and you’re trying to hide within your own body somehow. She sees the embarrassment, the bitter feeling that sits at the center of your chest.
You approach her car and observe at her through the window, eyes avoiding her own. You study her form, how much she’s grown. She’s got a new haircut; it’s shorter— gayer. You can almost imagine yourself laughing at her, can almost imagine twirling the short pieces between your fingers. A patch of black ink catches your eye just then, your gaze landing on her forearm. Since when did she get a tattoo?
She unlocks the door, silently beckoning you in. You slump into the passenger seat, completely defeated, and she reads your body language well enough to know not to pry at the situation.
She shifts the car into drive but realizes that she doesn’t even know where you live anymore. The car sits there, idle as she tries to figure out what to ask you and how, then you mutter the directions to your apartment, reading her confusion just as well.
The sound of Ellie’s music is quiet, practically just a gentle hum as the two of you sit, rigid as you keep your gazes locked on the road ahead. You don’t intend to explain yourself or have some sort of emotional come-to-jesus moment with Ellie, figuring that this situation alone is already stressful enough.
But, she clears her throat and opens her mouth to speak, eyes still locked on the street signs. “You see the trailer for the new Savage Starlight adaptation?”
You give her an awkward chuckle. “Yeah,” you say, nearly whispering. “Looked like trash, honestly.”
Ellie laughs at that. Laughs. And god, it’s not the kind of laugh that kills her, but it’s a solid one; an honest one. It sounds so good as it erupts from her chest, the sound of it pouring into your ears and over your heart. Christ.
Your eyebrow twitches and you have to turn your head to look out the window— you can’t let her see the look on your face. You’re sure your eyes are wide and pooling with some sort of desperation.
And, of course, Ellie catches it. But she just cares too much about you, so she lets all these little thing slip by to keep you comfortable, to keep you with her for even just a second longer.
The conversation stays trained on little comments, acknowledging new video game releases and comic book trailers as if the both of you are in high school again, caught up in your nerdy obsessions. The air is thick and steady; the both of you dancing around this thinly-veiled attempt to be normal. The smallest things, such as the sound of her clearing her throat, or her hand coming up to scratch at her cheek, make your skin crawl with anticipation.
You brace yourself for the ball to drop, holding it so tight to your chest, you’re almost suffocating.
And while there’s no way you’ll drop this act, desperately clutching onto this feeling of faux normalcy, you know Ellie will. She’s much too blunt and forward focused to let you both sit in this awkward, paper-doll like scenario; steadily crafting your sentences, training your eyes to avoid her.
And, god— it’s almost too easy to let your body relax, to slip back into your old comfortable patterns with Ellie right next to you. Because she’s never been prideful, and never will be, with the way she smiles to herself and breathes: “I missed you. It’s been… really long,” she says the last part with a bittersweet chuckle. “Too long.”
Your chest caves. Stupidly, eagerly, almost like it wanted to, this whole time. Your body feels prickly and warm, but you school your face to remain somewhat neutral.
“Yeah,” you offer dryly. “I’m kind of surprised, actually.”
At that, Ellie tilts her head, fingers fluttering around the steering wheel. “How come?”
“That, like, you even showed up. And you’re actually being nice and taking me home. I figured you kinda hated my guts towards the end.”
Ellie’s body has a physical reaction to that, and she taps on the brakes by accident. Not hard enough to send the both of you flying forward, but just enough of a push. You whip your head towards her, watching the way she furrows her eyebrows and shakes her head.
“Sorry. Not trying to be defensive, but why…” She swallows thickly. “Why would you think that? And of me, of all people?”
She’s so, so gentle with the way she says it. Her voice quiet and low, not wanting to scare you away with this sudden confrontation. She reeks of true curiosity and something else that seems like hurt.
“I just,” you start, trying to gather your words, then pause, not really recognizing where Ellie is driving. “Hold on. Where are you—?”
She pulls into an empty parking lot, stopping the car at an awkward angle, careless about her parking etiquette.
“I’m sorry. I really just wanna clarify things,” she breathes out, her tone hurried as if you’ll slip and fade away if she doesn’t explain herself fast enough. “But, if you want me to completely fuck off, I’ll take you home. Just tell me.”
You remain quiet, looking at her with a face that reads half anxious, half eager. A mix of the two, both emotions so similar in nature that maybe it kind of looks like… excitement.
Ellie turns her body in her seat so that she can face you directly. “I was never tired of you, ever.” She takes in a slow, deep breath, trying to pace herself and keep her voice steady. With you, she can become passionate very quickly, so she needs to remain cool. “If anything, I thought that you felt that way about me. You stopped comin’ around, didn’t even try to room with me, and completely bailed on my attempts to see you. Did I do something?”
She’s completely disarmed. Her words woven with nothing but good intentions, the look on her face desperate for some sort of reconciliation. She eyes you carefully, and if you looked hard enough, you may have been able to catch the glimmer of want in her eyes.
Overcome with emotion, you fumble. Too busy with wanting to just defend yourself, swinging around your sword with your eyes shut in the hopes that you won’t get hurt, you don’t even try to match her energy.
“Well, yeah,” you bite back, not nearly as careful as she was. “You changed. Everything changed. You made other friends, new friends, and just left me behind,” you accuse sharply, not thinking straight. “You… went behind my back.”
Despite the way that you speak to her, Ellie’s face softens. She knows what this is about. She’s too understanding, too willing to do anything to get you back in her life. As the realization slowly dawns on her, her heart flutters both with yearning and a deeper need.
It’s how you end up pressed against the backseat of her car, her mouth on yours as her hands roam freely around your body. You shut up rather quickly, mind blurring over with the oncoming release of years of pent-up wanting. You tried to keep arguing back at her, and she did nothing but talk to you in that sweet tone, with eyes that scream I love you.
It isn’t that she’s trying to coax you, or anything. It just happened as you begin to increasingly realize that she is not going to fight you; she just wants you. She needs you to know that, she has to make herself clear.
Fog creeps up the car windows as she presses her knee in between your legs, rocking against you slowly.
Ellie’s pacing herself; she’s thought about this a few times, guiltily. But in her mind, it’s always been in her bed, her mind crafting the scene of your body, your little sounds. It was like she had to slap her own hand away from herself sometimes.
So while this isn’t exactly what she had daydreamed it would be, she still wouldn’t complain. Regardless of the situation, you were pressed into her, panting and sighing in ways that made her mind turn to soppy mush, overrun with desire and emotion.
And, while she’s set on taking care of you and showing you just how much you meant and still mean to her, she can’t help but want to make you admit it too.
She pulls back from kissing you, her eyes glazed over as she looks at your face. Holy shit.
Skin so warm, and you already look spent. She swallows, suddenly doubting how long she’ll be able to hold off.
She bites back a satisfied smile before she dips down again, her face hidden in the crevice between your neck and shoulder, kissing all the way down.
“Take this off,” she murmurs, fingers pulling at the waistband of your skirt. You do your best to follow her orders, cramped up in the seat, pulling your knees towards yourself in an attempt to shimmy out of the fabric. It catches on your ankle, hanging, and you giggle at the state of the situation. Ellie’s heart melts over itself, beating erratically; she’s going fucking crazy.
You’ve done nothing but moan, twitch, laugh, and flutter your lashes. She hasn’t even felt you yet, hasn’t even seen your body in its entirety. And she’s gone.
She almost raises an eyebrow at the sight of your skimpy little underwear, but her question catches in her throat. You were at the club, after all. Something sinks in her stomach at the thought of anyone else seeing you like this, observing the way the fabric clings onto you.
Her fingers massage at your inner thighs, her knee firm in place as she keeps them set apart. Her digits dance right against your core, pressing against the fabric. You twitch, rolling your hips into her, fingers catching on the seatbelt behind you, gripping on for life. She laughs, but not necessarily at you.
It feels like it takes her years (well, technically) to push your panties to the side, eyes falling hazy as she stares right into you. You’re so vulnerable, you try shutting your thighs close, but she pushes them apart again.
“I know,” she hushes you, dipping lower to nip at your lips. “I know.”
Her fingers trace over your folds, and you think you’re about to explode. You hadn’t expected Ellie to be the type to make this agonizing and painful, but you know you probably deserve it after your showcase of attitude.
She draws her hand back and brings her fingers up to her mouth, sucking on them nonchalantly. A satisfied sigh escapes her as she finally, finally gets to taste you on her tongue. She lets her hand travel back down, and you turn your head to the side, shutting your eyes in anticipation.
“Look at me,” she commands softly, stopping her fingers right where you want her.
You nod, giving her the false promise that you will. Ellie sees right through it, and with her free hand she gently grips onto your face, turning you to make eye contact with her.
She needed to see your face as she fucked you, she needed to know, after so long of wondering, how you looked when facing pure pleasure.
Your lashes flutter, eyebrows screwing together as she slips her fingers inside your warmth, pressing the heel of her palm against your clit. She’s gentle in the way she stretches you out, working you through it with such care and patience.
Ellie revels in the way your chest heaves already, pupils blown out with bliss. She moves her knee and lets you shut your thighs together, trapping her hand in place.
“This is all you needed, huh?” she teases, her voice only a little prickly, but her smile says otherwise. “For me to touch you like this.”
You nod silently, too busy biting on your bottom lip and rocking your body onto her fingers to reply.
“Answer me,” she demands with the same softness, setting the tone. Her gaze is locked onto your face, memorizing every twitch of your brow, every whine that leaves your lips.
It’s almost ridiculous how brainless you are already, melting beneath her entirely.
“Needed you,” you manage to breathe out, nodding your head again. “So bad.”
Ellie hisses a swear, and she can’t help the way she leans into you, pressing her body against yours. She curls her fingers inside of you, the palm of her hand nudging at your eager bud. She groans to herself as she feels your walls twitch around her digits, her head dropping low as if she has to stop herself from spiraling. She’s hanging on by a thread; a hair, wanting nothing more than to fuck you senseless. But it’s been too long, and she’s got something to prove to you.
Her eyes shine as she feels your body grow tense, your wriggling becoming more constant. She slows down her pace, watching closely as your mouth drops, a pout playing at your lips.
“Please,” you begin, and she smiles.
“Please what?”
“Please, fucking just,” you try grinding on her fingers, lashes fluttering. “Oh my god,” you sigh, that little attitude trickling in your tone.
She scoffs, almost meanly. She stops her movements entirely, fingers falling slack in your pussy. “Yeah? Do it yourself, then.”
And to her surprise, you do. That attitude is wiped clean from your voice as you whimper pathetically, body rolling, walls fluttering as you try to fuck yourself with her fingers. She stares at you in awe, throat running dry.
It takes her a second, but she blinks and she’s falling back into you. Watching as you desperately chase your release, bumping your clit onto her hand, and you absentmindedly grab onto her arm, trying to anchor yourself.
She sucks her teeth and sighs to herself. She had intended to drag this out, to make you beg, to make you say that you were hers all along. But with the way you hold onto her, shamelessly rutting your hips, her name falling off your lips like a prayer— she already knows it’s all true.
She’s kind enough to start thrusting her fingers again, moaning at the way your slick bundles at your entrance, coating her fingers and slipping down her hand. It’s obscene, but she doesn’t care. In fact, it gives her more of a reason to clean you up afterward.
“Ellie,” you breathe suddenly, your little prayers becoming less coherent as a certain feeling creeps around, engulfing your body and mind. “I’m gonna cum,” you whine shamelessly, the heat in your stomach spreading lower and lower, your body tingling.
She leans over you again, watching over your face as your eyes slip shut.
“Go ahead, baby. Let me hear you.”
It’s a demand but she still says it so softly, a certain tenderness behind her words. You choke on your own moan, body practically seizing as your thighs tighten, fingers digging into her arm. You chant a repeated I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, and Ellie smiles as you do anyway, your cunt swallowing her fingers with your release.
Her hand relentlessly slaps against your core, even though you begin to tear up and beg for her to stop. She smiles to herself before she slowly drags her fingers out of you, bringing them back up into her mouth.
It’s not nearly enough. While you slump back into the seat, panting, body still shaky from such strong sensations, she’s busy maneuvering her body to sit on the floor of the car and propping your legs onto her shoulders.
You blink as you slowly come back to reality, your mind hazy.
“Ellie,” you start softly, reaching out your hand.
She reaches up and intertwines your fingers, eyes locked on your dripping cunt as her voice carries over to your ears. “I’m right here. Can’t let it go to waste.”
Your eyes roll back, another string of moans escaping you as Ellie shuts her eyes and latches onto your clit, moaning into your pussy.
The hours of the night escape both of you, becoming lost in each other in the back of her car, cementing your fate.
Ellie laughs at your blank expression, her hand rubbing down her face in disbelief.
“That was so… garbage. Beyond garbage. Landfill levels of trash,” you say weakly, the soft lights of the movie theater reflecting off your face.
She continues giggling at your side, hand over her mouth in an attempt to be quiet despite the fact that the movie is already over.
You playfully swat at her arm, turning to her, face ridden with shock. “There’s no way you’re not disappointed! This shit was such a waste of money. We were better off pirating it.”
She shakes her head and smiles to herself, hand wrapping around your own as she pulls you to stand up with her. “I think it was well worth it; it was, like, funny bad.”
You stand, wrapping your arm around her own as you two trail down the steps of the theater. You continue picking the movie apart, disdain in your voice. You have a reason to be passionate; this lazy attempt at turning Savage Starlight into a box office success had taken a terrible turn, the movie filled with stupid one-liners and god awful acting.
You should’ve known; it’s been a month since the trailer dropped— or, since you and Ellie came back together. A month of everything falling into place, the pieces of your individual lives slipping back into the way they used to be. A month of constant, whispered confessions, making up for lost time; lovelorn kisses, touches fueled by years of yearning. Pursuing your lives together again, and of course, falling back into your geeky little habits— the one thing that brought you together in the first place, anyway.
You shouldn’t have walked in with such high expectations after the both of you predicted how awful it was gonna be once you both sat down to rewatch the trailers together.
As the two of you make it outside of the building, Ellie bites her cheek at the way you continue to ramble, the passion in your voice making her heart swell. There is just too much to adore about you.
“Hey,” she starts, voice low.
You raise your eyebrows. “What?”
Ellie nods her chin in the direction of her car, mischief written all over her face. “I know a way to give you a happy ending.”
You groan in annoyance, pushing her away. Your voice rings out and into her ears, settling her restless heart as you scold her, a smile showing through.
“Ellie!”
#ellie fluff#ellie williams x reader#ellie x reader#ellie smut#ellie williams smut#tlou x reader#ellie angst#ellie williams angst
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had thought abt how in a few months it's gonna be summer *dies a little*
#another topsurgery-less year for me#wishing not to be alive already tbh#im lucky enough that i don't have to bind for the rest of the year with tons of big clothes#/ i simply cannot bind anymore because after 5 min in a binder i feel like im gonna pass out even if it isn't tight and i can breathe#anyway discovering tape and trying it last year was cool but truly wishing i didn't have to go through that shit yknow#having to choose between a heat stroke and bruising my skin lmao help#also the time i have to take to cut out the tape and make the borders round so it sticks and prep da nippleprotection™#so i don't rip them off#and the whole thing to take it all off waiting for the coconut oil to take out as much glue and all OMGGG im patient for a tons of things#BUT THIS............ even helping the tape a lil by taking a shower before doesn't helppp it's always such a slow process ugh#tomtom_is_rambling#vent
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B33 < finalllyyyy finished my beta troll headcaon lineup!! furst things furst, my ask box is open for Beta troll + kids drawing requests!! I need to purractice drawing the sillies
alsooo feel like mentioning, these hc’s are for the early half of the game - I am gonna draw their adult + post game looks because thoseee headcanons are different
like for example!! I hc aradia gaining a lot of weight after no longer inhabiting her robo bod! Eridan being able to express their gender identity in the dream bubbles!
Tbf the art is sort of old, and I already want to update my designs but whatevs
Hcs under the cut…. B33
Here’s my personal headcanons, don’t start shit, if you don’t like, you can make ur own post with ur own hcs BDD
Aradia Medigo - transfem aroace spec
~ Struggles with persistent depression but is recovering slowly
~ Puts on weight after the game
~ ASD
Tavros Nitram - transmasc polysexual
~ bulks up during the game!
~ Legs are prosthetics, he still uses their chair on rougher days
~ anxiety and ptsd, struggles with unhealthy attachments (clearly)
Sollux Captor - nonbinary pan
~ Also ASD + Bipolar
~ Acne scars!!
~ Lisp is from crooked teeth
Karkat Vantas - Nonbinary he/himmer, poly with masc pref
~ Super repressed about gender during the game, Jegbert helps with coming to terms with things
~ Anger issues as a response to traumatic living conditions on alternia
~ Adult him is very fat and hairy :)
Nepeta Leijon - transmasc trixic
~ Comes out during the game
~ ASD and ADHD, cannot mask well
~ Looks tiny and weak but could bench press you (cuz its funny)
Kanaya Maryam - femby lesbian (she wears binders :o
~ total vegan till she goes rainbowdrinker
~ binds regularly, prefers a flat silhouette
~ gender + sexuality relationship is unique due to pansexual being the societies default
Terezi Pyrope - Transfem queer
~ does not shave, ever under any circumstances
~ OCD, has a lotttt of rituals
~ transed her gender pre game due to flarping
Vriska Serket - Transfem lesbian
~ ASPD, doing treatment, symptoms lesson as she gets older
~ has severe scarring on her left side, when she is younger she hides scarring via makeup and long clothes cuz teenage insecurity she grows out of
~ same as terezi, flarping helped her come out, terezi and her are very close cuz of this similarity
Equius Zahhak - Agender asexual
~ hypersexual and sex repulsed
~ ASD, also bad at masking, hence why meowrails get along so well
~ has hyperhydrosis
Gamzee Makara - nonbinary ??????
~ bpd, he tends to split on people accidentally, Karkat is his fp :)
~ disassociates often, memory is poor and has slow processing because his thoughts always feel crowding
~ his abuse of sopor pies is a coping mechanism, helps with his sensory issues
Eridan Ampora - Genderfluid pan
~ definitely was a really obnoxious femboy at one point before coming out
~ a lot of their incel-ness comes from repressing their gender
~ ASD, really bad at reading other people
Feferi Peixes - demigirl pan
~ if kanaya is alternia goth, then Fef definitely is, big into counterculture
~ ASD, hyperempath, way too good at masking except for when she’s overtly excited
~ is a vegan, feels incredibly guilty for feeding her lusus
Anyways…. If you read all that congrats lollll
#homestuck#homestuck headcanon#homestuck hcs#aradia megido#tavros nitram#sollux captor#karkat vantas#nepeta leijon#kanaya maryam#terezi pyrope#vriska serket#equius zahhak#gamzee makara#eridan ampora#feferi peixes#tw sex mention#tw substance abuse#tw killing#homestuck fanart#beta trolls#beta troll lineup#hc lineup#homestuck trolls
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