#i feel like syd’s story has just begun

[theroyalmisfitmess]

Despite the comments and reactions, somehow Season 3 convinced me further that Syd and Carmy will eventually get together. You can’t just take a lot of what’s said in the show for face value. It’s focused on the details.

[anxietycroissant]

So this has stalled but in case anyone else lets stuff slip through the cracks like I do on Ao3, here’s the first chapter of my (so-far) #sydcarmy rambling story that never gets to the point. It’s four chapters so far and I’m hoping this will motivate me to keep it going.

It takes place immediately post season 2 as Carmy gets busted out of the walk-in. It’s a bit feel-good so far but that is unlikely to continue without a few bumps in the road. Enjoy! If you’re lazy I’ve literally pasted the entire first chapter into this post like an absolute champ.

Chapter 1: Mister Freeze

Late night after Friends and Family

The Bear BOH, Chicago, IL

Syd entered the kitchen quietly from the door that led outside, wiping her dry lips with the back of one shaking hand. They had actually pulled off the night, even with Carmy stuck in the walk-in. She pulled her eyes shut as she felt a low swooping sensation in her stomach as the memory of her coming so close to giving up while doing expo flashed in her mind. She never thought she’d be so thankful to Richie. He completely saved her ass. She had wanted to thank him profusely at the end of the night, but he was nowhere to be found as Tony (or was it Terry?), the fridge guy, was breaking Carmy out of the walk-in. Her fingers had begun to haltingly compose a text to Richie to see where the fuck he was, but she figured that she’d save this big conversation for another day. Her gratitude was too big for WhatsApp and that’s just how it was. Plus, what in the actual hell was making her phone so greasy? Olive oil?

Richie unexpectedly saved the day… what the fuck was that? A smile edged up the corners of her mouth until her face ached. It was funny how much she needed to remember that sometimes people can still surprise you in the best ways. She frowned, as a cousin of that thought entered her mind. People can also let you the fuck down.

Carmy was her partner, and she valued his experience and opinion above almost everything. But he really lost himself. It wasn’t so much that he broke his promise to her that he wouldn’t let her drown. It was more that he just totally broke down. She’d never known somebody who could be both so brilliant and yet so unable to cope when things got tough. Everyone had tried to talk him out of his anxiety spiral, but nothing anyone said had done any good in the end. The only person who could help Carmy was Carmy, and that sure as shit didn’t happen.

She had heard bits and pieces of things he had said to Tina from inside the walk-in as she zoomed around the kitchen trying to get things done. She didn’t find out the whole story until later. After the last tickets of the night came through and the stress level of the kitchen started to even out, she realized that until that moment she had forgotten all about Carmy. That’s the thing about working at such a high level: it’s good and bad to focus so completely on something that you totally forget any and everything else.

The moment her thoughts circles back to Carmy, she stopped checking up on everyone and walked back towards the walk-in. The familiar scent of clean, hot dishes and the lingering odor of hot oil hit her as she shuffled tiredly away. She saw the back of Nat's blonde head and could almost physically feel the worry she was directing towards the metal door of the walk-in. Nat must have felt Syd watching her and whispered, “I keep wondering why this is taking so long! Pete keeps circling the block in the car waiting for me. I just want to see if Carmy’s okay, but every time I try to talk to him through the door he won’t say anything. He’s being such a little bitch right now!” She sounded equal parts worried and disgruntled, like always. Syd smiled and cracked a yawn. “You go ahead, Nat. I promise I’ll check up on Carmy and get him home safe. You and Pete head home and rest up. You were amazing tonight, but you look a little bit like…,” her face froze as she saw Natalie’s raised eyebrows. ”Yeah. Um, what I actually meant to say was that I’ve like, got this. Yeah,” she fumbled awkwardly.

Nat just nodded, not even hearing that Syd had basically tiptoed really close to telling her that she looked like hammered shit. “Thanks, Syd. I don’t know what any of us would do without you. Text me if you need anything or if I should come back, OK? And let me know what he says, yeah? And this is a big ask, but… can you see if you can get him to eat something?” Nat rubbed her eyes, causing her mascara to smear ever so slightly. Syd wondered what her own mascara was doing at that moment. “And oh yeah,” Nat spat out with venom, “It would also be great if you could calm him the fuck down and get him to stop getting in his own freaking way all the time.” She did have the decency to grimace in apology after that last bit. Syd cocked her head to the side, already feeling defeated. “Should I be like, taking notes, Nat? Or is that all?” Nat let out a harsh laugh and squeezed Syd’s shoulder, practically racing out the door. ‘Fuck,’ thought Sydney , ‘She’s leaving before I can change my damn mind.’

Syd leaned her back against the wall, and slowly sank to the floor to wait for Carmy to get out. She waited a few minutes longer before the guy whose name probably began with a T finished with the door. Before he opened the door, he said, “Hey, no offense, Syd… but can I get paid before I open this door? Carm has been saying some weird shit and I just want to get the hell out of here.” Syd nodded distractedly, running a hand along her braids. She reminded him just to bill them. She was not going to call Nat back in right now to ask what the new process for paying contractors was. And honestly, she wasn’t dying to know how much money it was going to set them back to have this emergency work done. Mystery Man just shrugged, his gesture seeming to mean that he didn’t trust her promises but that he was too tired to care. “Thanks so much for helping, have a great night!” Syd called out as Terry or Tim or Tony made a beeline for the exit.

‘Well, shit’ , Syd thought. 'He didn’t even open the door all the way.' She hoped she could. As she pushed, the door swung cleanly on its hinges until it was all the way open. She stepped in, the cool air a welcome change from the warm kitchen against her flushed skin. Carmy was just sitting there staring at the floor, seemingly unaware that he was free. With his arms wrapped around himself, he had his head down in between his knees. His blonde curls obscured his eyes, so she couldn't tell what he was thinking. Syd let herself sink down next to him. She cautiously put an arm around him and wrapped her palm around his shoulder. The cold of his shoulder reached up and bit her. He tensed up immediately but relaxed a bit when he realized it was her arm and not someone else’s.

“Syd,” he whispered hoarsely, “I’m so sorry, Chef. I’m so, so sorry.” He either didn’t have the energy or the will to look at her. “I broke my promise to you already.” He seemed so bereft, so adrift, that Syd couldn’t even voice her anger or disappointment at that moment. “Carmy,” she said softly, “Let’s get you out of here and then talk about it.” She kept her arm around his freezing shoulder but got onto her knees so she could leverage her weight to help him stand up. She thought he would put up more of a fight, but he got up willingly enough. She dragged him over to his locker and then helped him into his wool jacket, and had to physically pull his feet out of his Birkenstocks and put them into his sneakers. It was a bit worrying, the way he was accepting her help without question. She got her bag out and changed her own clothes and shoes, and then they walked out to his car. He just stood there, so she told him she was driving him home. He didn’t argue, didn't smoke a cigarette, didn't give her shit. It all kind of worried her.

The atmosphere in the car was tense and quiet as soon as the doors shut. Syd turned on the radio to fill the silence. She was thankful that at least they weren’t listening to any of his fucking depressing music. Syd, under the guise of running a hand through her hair to tuck a loose braid behind her ear, was really sneaking multiple sidelong glances at Carmy as she drove to his place. To his credit, he wasn’t giving anything away. His blue eyes just stared straight ahead, devoid of any emotion. She kept hoping she could think of something to say, but her brain was maxed out. Also, she was pretty sure there was trash or something under the gas pedal, and she needed to focus on not killing them in a fiery car crash. Carmy started mumbling something as they approached his neighborhood, apparently to himself. Syd sighed and eventually found parking underneath a tree by his building.

Even later that night

Carmy’s apartment

The two of them slowly walked up many, many stairs to his apartment. Syd figured that this was the only way left to find a decent apartment in Chicago; find something on the hundredth floor with no elevator. She twisted the key in the lock and opened his door. They both stumbled inside. Carmy waved at her as he slowly slurred, “Thanks, Syd. Go home and get some sleep. You killed it tonight.” She gave him a half smile and nodded. But as she started to turn around and head for the door, something didn’t quite feel right. She whipped her head back around and caught Carmy shivering. He had apparently waited to fall apart until after she left. “Carm, what the fuck? Why didn’t you tell me you were so cold? We had the heat on high the whole way here,” Syd huffed, losing what little patience she had left. “We could have saved time going to the ER!” At that thought, Carmy really looked at her. And he looked scared. “Syd, please,” he whispered, “No doctors, okay? I just can’t. I’m so tired and those places freak me the fuck out.”

“All right, Carm, but I can’t leave you alone- and we’ve got to get you warm.” He just looked at her, utterly spent and waiting on her next move. “Shit,” she thought. Maybe he has mild hypothermia? Is that a thing? Can you be just a little bit frozen? She Googled it and it was a thing. She also Googled if spiraling makes hypothermia worse, but the only thing that Google advised against was hot baths. Not super helpful, but good to know? She was torn between calling an ambulance and trying to fix him herself. If she was being honest, she didn’t have the energy to convince Carmy to willingly leave in an ambulance. And she certainly didn’t have the capacity right now to get him down those stairs on her own. She sighed and decided to put the kettle on. His depressing apartment wasn’t helping either.

“OK, Carm, let’s get you into something warmer,” she said dully. He just stood there, so she slipped into his bedroom. Pulling open drawers that barely slid open, she found some sweatpants that somehow looked like normal sweatpants but also like an artisan had handcrafted them in a long-forgotten Italian village. As she ran her hands across the expensive fabric, she wondered where he shopped. And when did he shop? Did he secretly have a massive online shopping addiction, or did he spend every day off buying expensive as fuck sweatpants and obscure white t-shirts? After grabbing the sweatpants, she found a thick, long-sleeved tee. She also grabbed some boxers and thick socks.

As she padded back to Carmen, she saw that he was shivering more than ever. “Arms up, dude,” she said sternly. He put them up without a fight, although they shook slightly. She pulled up his shirt, catching her knuckles on his chest as she did. His skin felt like ice. ‘Shit,’ she thought. New clothes weren’t going to be enough. She slid the new shirt over his head anyway and helped him pull his arms through the sleeves. She tried not to stare at his body while he was in this vulnerable state, but it was an exercise in control. Because all of his muscles were on full display less than a couple of centimeters away from her eyes. If she had had more time, she’d have taken a mental inventory of a few new-to-her tattoos. Her face felt hot all of a sudden and she shook her head to stay on task.

He managed to get his shit together for a second and changed his pants and boxers in his bathroom with the door (halfway?) closed. He was taking too long, so she pushed the door open and pulled him back out. She gave him a long look, sighing. She didn’t like what she saw. A wax version of a person stood in front of her, without substance or colour. Maybe it was just her, but he looked even paler than usual. His skin normally had a golden undertone with a blush of red ready to rise up just underneath the surface of his skin. Not that Syd had perfectly cataloged the colors of his skin in her memory or anything. Because that would be a new level of weirdness. Just then the tea kettle began to whistle. Sydney took some dusty mugs down from his cabinet and some even dustier tea bags, making tea for them both.

She dragged Carmy to sit down on the edge of his bed and handed him the scalding hot cup of tea. He looked at it, then at her, and then back at the tea again. “Syd,” he trailed off. “I’m fucking cold.” Syd looked up at the ceiling. Why did this shit always happen to her? How did she find herself in these situations? She felt like she was in a really random episode of a TV show with endless seasons, like Grey's Anatomy. This scenario had played out at least a time or two on that series, she thought to herself.

She gestured to Carmy to take off his shirt. “It’s either that or we go to the hospital,” she warned, as he looked at her in disbelief. “We have to get you warmed up somehow, and I’m afraid to put you in the shower when you’re this cold. If you fall and pass out, I don’t think I can pick you back up. I know we’re the same height, but fuck, dude, I don’t work out!” He let her come closer and take his shirt off. The collar got stuck on his nose for a second, and Syd heard a high laugh escape from her mouth. “Cool, super cool,” Syd thought. “Real chill.”

She gently pushed Carmy down onto his pillow and then laid down beside him. She pulled the covers over them both and wrapped her arms gently around his body. His eyes were tightly shut, and his shivering shook them both. “Syd… I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this,” he whispered through chattering teeth. “Hey,” Syd whispered excitedly, “you said two whole sentences! That’s more than you’ve said in the last hour!” Her grin faded as she saw the misery etched on Carmy’s face. His body felt tense like he would bolt if he could. Did he really hate this so much, or was he simply ashamed to be so weak in front of her ?

“Hey, Carm, it’s just me. You can relax, let’s just... You know? Get you warm, ok? You’re totally fine. We’re just cuddling, right? Nothing scary is happening. It’s just me.” But then a sudden realization hit her. “Oh fuck,” she thought, cringing inwardly. He has a girlfriend. Who is an ER doctor? Of course he’s tense. “Carm, should I call Claire? I’m sure you’d much rather her do this, right? Especially since she’s a… fuck… I don’t know? Actual doctor who knows what she’s doing? I can’t believe I’m such an idiot! I’m so sorry!” But Carmy just shook his head, pressing it into her shoulder. He was mumbling, but his voice sounded much clearer than it had just a little while ago. “So Claire kind of heard me say some shit while I was locked in the walk-in. Yeah, I thought I was talking to Tina, but I guess Tina left? And I’m paraphrasing but I am pretty sure I told her she wasn’t worth all of this time? Pretty sure we’re broken up. So. Yeah. Please don’t fucking call her, Syd.” Carmy dragged his hands through his hair, which at this point made little to no difference. His hair was already wild after his jaunt in the walk-in.

Syd didn’t know what to say, because she had never known how to feel about Claire in the first place. Claire was fine? Perfect on paper, but not for Carmy. “Syd?” Carmy had apparently asked her a question. “Sorry,” Syd replied, “Are you okay? Uh.. fuck, you’ve had a bad night. I guess you were under a lot of pressure though. If you say you’re sorry and you didn’t mean it, I’m sure she’ll understand.” Syd believed this to be true while wanting it not to be true at the same time. She had that odd feeling of missing a step while walking down the stairs deep in her belly.

Carmy’s nose felt like ice against where it was wedged against her shoulder. “Look, I feel bad about how I said it, but I’m also relieved.” She could feel him smile slightly, the first bit of life she’d seen from him since the walk-in had been cut open. “I always really liked her, you know? And when we started hanging out, it was cool. But she got to see me when I was ok. I don’t think she ever saw that side of me, where I get angry or anxious or throw up or just guzzle Tums. For a while, I thought it was fine. But it’s not. And she reminds me of being a little kid. And like of how I was in high school. And that’s not her fault, I know. But I can’t be with her.” He sighed. “I’m not explaining it well at all, I know. But I’m glad it’s you here and not anyone else. I don’t think I could take it.” Sydney nodded, understanding immediately. “I get it,” she murmured softly.

She looked down and saw that her hand was lightly rubbing his back. His very naked, very muscular back. She felt the heat radiate from her cheeks, down through her arms and legs, and into the sheets. She was very, very thankful that Carmy was still out of it. Too out of it to notice that she was losing her damn mind. As her hands slowly rubbed up and down, she felt Carmy’s muscles relax bit by bit. He even felt a bit warmer now. Still fucking cold, but she didn’t think he needed the hospital anymore. He felt like he’d just come in from playing in the snow. The mental image of Carmy as a boy, coming inside from building a snowman, appeared in her mind’s eye. She had to bite down a smile.

“What?” whispered Carmy softly. “What made you smile just now? Where did you go?” Syd just shook her head. “It’s too embarrassing,” she admitted. “I’m sure it’s definitely more fucking embarrassing than what I’ve experienced tonight,” he deadpanned. She chuckled as he cracked a grin. “I was just thinking that now you don’t feel like ice anymore, and then I thought that now you feel like you’re just cold from playing outside. Like kids do after it snows.” Carmy pulled back to look at her. “Do you think we’d have been friends if we’d known each other back then?” he asked. “I don’t know,” answered Syd truthfully, staring up at the ceiling. “I was a major nerd. And I was also a lot younger than you. Four years was a big difference back then. That’s like ten years in kid years.”

Carmy stared at her. “Four years isn’t much anymore, though,” he breathed. ‘Fuck,’ thought Sydney desperately. ‘Don’t look at me like that with those eyes.” He scrunched up his blue eyes. “What do you mean?” He asked. “Oh, fuck. Did I say that out loud?” She laughed nervously. “Syd,” he stared at her as he shifted a bit closer to her. “What do you mean?” he repeated softly. There was no judgment in his eyes. He just wanted to understand.

“Jesus Christ, Carmy, you have to know that your blue eyes are enough to stop traffic. People in small villages would probably have a parade to celebrate that shit.” She shut her eyes tight and waited him out. She slowly opened one eye. Yep, still staring at her. He was smiling at her sadly. “I don’t think anyone is gonna throw a parade for me any time soon, “he replied. “But they definitely would for you.” She wrinkled up her face as though she had swallowed a mouthful of vinegar.

“Syd, you’re worse at taking a compliment than I am, fuck. You don’t see it, but you’re everything. Everyone loves you, you’re incredibly talented, and you- yeah, you’re just everything,” he sighed. “I don’t deserve you,” he says as he pushed a stray braid out of her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Syd,” he repeated.

Syd suddenly couldn’t think of anything to say, and her mouth was dry. As Carmy gazed into her eyes, she felt herself on the edge of something, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to go over. Trying to hang onto some semblance of normalcy, she squeezed his shoulder in reply. Carmy, whose arms had until now been resting at his sides, reached up to wrap an arm around her waist. She felt her skin warm at his touch, which was weird, right? The heat wasn't coming from his body; that was for sure. Was she freaking out? Was she breathing weirdly? Could he tell? Oh God. He seemed so calm, and she was losing her mind. Apparently not noticing her awkwardness, Carmy moved closer. She could feel his soft curls touching her cheek. She could feel his chest pressed into hers, soft and reassuring. He even smelled? Cold, somehow?

“Syd? This is really nice,” he whispered, stroking her back. “Carmy, why does your breath smell like spices?” Sydney couldn’t help but giggle. Carmy should smell like cigarettes and soap, and she finds the difference strange. “I was hitting the walk-in door, you know?” Carmy said softly, “And I accidentally knocked over a container of cloves. Luckily it was almost empty, but I got a fucking mouthful. It was intense.” He was staring at her again. She felt the places where his fingers touched her burn with electricity.

“I like cloves,” Syd said stupidly. Her cheeks started burning, and she groaned. “Don’t listen to me,” she murmured. “I’m fucking delirious.” She chanced another look at Carmy. Yep, still staring. “Syd,” he said quietly. “Look at me.” She forced herself to meet his gaze. She caught him looking at her mouth. He quickly looked up and had the decency to apologize with a look. He slowly brought a hand up to her cheek, feeling her soft skin. “Do you- can I-“ his words were cut off as Sydney suddenly sat straight up in his bed, causing his arms to fall away from her. “Carmy,” Syd breathed, “I.. I just can’t. I don’t know how to do this. After everything tonight- and Claire- and you probably had hypothermia just now- it’s a lot.” Carmy squeezed her hand in understanding. “Syd, I get it. I’m sorry. I should not have put you in this position tonight.”

Syd smiled sadly, her dark eyes wide. “But Carmy? I liked this. You know, except for the part where I had to basically carry you up the stairs. And the whole me worrying about you having hypothermia part? So ok now that I’m hearing myself a lot of it actually sucked? But also I got to see at least 17 tattoos I’ve never seen before, and I’m also not saying no, OK? I just think we need some time.” She got up then to stop vomiting out words. Carmy rolled out of bed too, swaying slightly as he stood. He put his arms around her in a tight hug. She leaned her slender body into him for a second, forgetting everything she’d just said. “Text me when you’re home safe?” he asked. His eyes smoldered. Syd was pretty sure she had never smoldered at anyone. “Yeah,” Sydney said unevenly. She somehow turned around and walked to the door without passing out. As she closed the door, she saw him, still staring at her. And “Jesus Christ, fuck me,” she thought. “Those abs. Will I see those abs again?”

As she walked towards the train, she looked at her phone and saw several messages and missed calls from Nat, each one more frantic than the last. She called her immediately, explaining that she had stayed with Carmy until he warmed up. She mentioned making the tea and helping him change his clothes, but she left out the rest. Natalie thanked her profusely before hanging up. Eyebrows raised, Syd threw her hands up as she walked. Being a human was so confusing sometimes.

[dingoat]

❛ it’s okay. you can let go. ❜

[Ugggh omg I made myself cry writing this, so fair warning to anyone who sobs at animal stories like me, um, proceed with care. ~900 words, not remotely proofed because I can't read it again right now ahaha. THANK for sending this ask even though I broke my own heart with it!]

---

Twenty years.

In many ways, Ahuska had come to measure her life against Pexu’s.

A tough and scrappy little cub, gifted to Ahuska all those years ago. She’d been a mark of respect from Ahuska’s mentor, acknowledgement that she was ready to raise the challenging animal as a companion and protector, and a token of congratulations for being accepted into a Clan and finally striking off on her own.

And memories of those early days were impossible to separate from the day she met Crow.

The day her life had truly begun.

“I hope you forgive me,” Ahuska said quietly, stroking the broad, blunt head that rested in her lap, all four eyes gently closed. An apologetic smile tugged at her muzzle. “For not naming you myself. For letting Nel name you just because I thought it’d win points with her dad. You were so silly back then… both of you, really. I kept the bow she put on you, did you know that?"

Pexu’s fur was thinner than ever before, her quills patchy and blunt. Her breath was shallow, but she wasn’t struggling, not when she was able to lie with Ahuska and feel the warmth of her hands against her. Fifteen was a good age for a nexu.

And Ahuska had come a long way in her training, her skills, and once properly honed and backed up by some solid scientific education, her natural affinity for healing through the Force had allowed her to give many more years to Pexu’s life. She soothed the aches and strains, she dissolved the stone in her kidney that caused her abrupt, acute pain. She took care of her teeth, her heart, her joints.

“You remember that time you took a blaster bolt for Crow?” Ahuska murmured, her fingers feeling the edge of Pexu’s jaw, rubbing firmly up and down the edge the way she liked it. “We sure won’t, not ever. Stars, once in a lifetime is enough…” she shook her head slowly, and found the little scar on Pexu’s shoulder, all that remained from the burn she’d prevented from leaving its mark on Crow. “I bet you never wasted time remembering silly stuff like that, not when you could be thinking about stealing my damn donuts again.”

Ahuska still didn’t know how Pexu had managed to pilfer all six luxury creme artisanal donuts from the gift box sitting at her bedside while leaving the box itself closed and entirely intact, especially considering Crow had been out with her the whole time and, for once, couldn’t be blamed for the nexu’s bad snacking habits.

She huffed fondly, and stroked across Pexu’s quills. “That, or about basking under the Tatooine suns. You really liked that last visit, didn’t you? Syd was sweet with you, but I guess she always has been, I mean nexus have always been her specialty. But you’re prettier than any of hers ever were,” Ahuska grinned down at her, and knew that no nexu would every be quite so beautiful in her eyes as Pexu.

She knew she’d never be happy living without an animal or two of some sort at her side, but she wasn’t sure she could ever bring another nexu into her life. “Wouldn’t be right,” she murmured, as though Pexu was able to follow her thoughts. “They’d spend their life being compared to you, and none could ever live up to that.” As if to reply, the old nexu offered a quiet, rumbling pur, and lifted her head to bump against Ahuska’s hand. “That’s right, pretty girl,” she said, biting back tears as Pexu’s next breath was a little strained, and she caught up the great cat’s head in her arms and cradled it close. “Shh, hey, take it easy. Take it easy. You’re okay.” Ahuska wasn’t paying attention to the time. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been sitting there, when the thrum of Crow’s heartbeat against her own let her know he was approaching. And not just him; Nela, too, just collected from the spaceport, who dashed over to kneel beside Ahuska without a word, throwing an arm around her shoulders and squeezing tight. “Hey, how’s she going?” Crow’s approach was a little more sedate.

He came in gently, settling down by Pexu’s rump and gently rubbing her favourite spot right at the base of her tail. The forked tip twitched, and her purr grew a little louder. “Hanging in there,” Ahuska whispered, still holding Pexu’s head, close against her chest. It was growing slowly heavier, her breaths ever shallower and less frequent. “But only just. I’m glad you made it. She’s… happy that you’re here.” And Pexu was. Ahuska felt it, that soft sense of peace that her beautiful old nexu felt, to have all her favourite, familiar hands resting on her. “She’s family,” Nela affirmed, and she couldn’t even say that much without a wobble in her voice, turning her head to press her face against Ahuska’s shoulder. Ahuska smiled, but her cheeks were wet. “She waited for you,” she whispered, before all her attention turned to Pexu, who now relied entirely on Ahuska’s arms to support the weight of her head.

She closed her eyes, and felt the way the Force shimmered inside her oldest, dearest companion. Aching for release. It’s okay. Her words, her thoughts, were for Pexu alone. You can let go, now. I love you so much.

[geekade]

Legion of Spoilers: Chapter 3

Holy shit I am never sleeping again. 

Legion's third chapter might best be described as a series of night terrors punctuated by waking horror, as David flips between anxious memory work and eavesdropping on his sister's captivity. With the exception of two very brief interludes with Syd, David spends most of this episode facing down twin specters of inhuman malevolence and human cruelty, and feeling personally responsible for both.

Chapter 3 picks up the morning after Chapter 2: Amy's first morning in captivity, and David's second or third day of memory work. With Amy at risk, Dr. Bird and Ptonomy don't have time for the usual detailed investigation and opt to zero in on the most troubling events of David's life. While Syd keeps watch, David, Ptonomy, and Dr. Bird approach the kitchen-poltergeist that followed his final argument with Philly. Before he can enjoy or even assimilate confirmation of his telekinesis, the Devil with Yellow Eyes peers around the door frame, invisible to Ptonomy and Dr. Bird. Terrified, David teleports the three of them – himself, Ptonomy, and Dr. Bird – from the memory cube back into the main building.

With yet another power revealed, David finds himself back in Cary's lab. Prompted to remember something stressful, he flashes back to Halloween, when King (the family beagle) runs off after being denied a cut of David and Amy's candy haul. Young David follows the dog to an empty yard only to encounter The World's Angriest Boy in the World. When Cary checks up on him, David doesn't respond – that is, he does, but not physically. Locked in some kind of trance, David (thinks he) answers that he's fine just before Lenny materializes to taunt him with Amy's misery. The room begins to tremble, and Syd rushes in, probably to see whether she can talk him down. David emerges from the trance long enough to see her and takes her with him as he astrally projects to wherever D3 is holding Amy. They "arrive" in time to witness Brubaker's threat to turn David "off" as Amy insists that her brother just needs his medication. While David struggles to speak, The Eye looks straight at him and Syd – and reaches out.

Once they've pulled themselves out of the Summerland lake (his astral projection/teleportation return skills need some fine-tuning), Syd and David report to Dr. Bird, who warns them that further forays into D3 could put everyone at Summerland at risk. Confronted about The Eye, Dr. Bird sketches a brief history of Summerland: Built by Cary and her (late?) husband Oliver over 30 years ago, the institute predates the Divisions, and may have been the first organization to recognize human mutation. The Eye, then known as Walter, was an early pupil until they discovered his appetite for inflicting pain. Dr. Bird also admits that as much as she wants to help David for his own sake, she's also hoping he can be the secret weapon who turns the tide of the war between Summerland and the Divisions.

Now fearful that their previous attempts at memory work may be doing more harm than good, Dr. Bird suggests sedation to disable David's more damaging defense mechanisms. Desperate to get a grasp on his power and save Amy, he agrees, and the next day Bird, Ptonomy, and now Sydney set out to uncover what precipitated David’s admission to Clockworks. The sedation plan backfires spectacularly, precipitating a series of increasingly chilling scenes as The World's Angriest Boy and the Devil with Yellow Eyes hunt down the interlopers in David's mind. Owing to residual effects of their body-switch, Syd can see the Devil, who remains invisible to Ptonomy and Dr. Bird. Syd manages to wake herself – although whether from sheer terror, or because something happened, is not revealed – and then Ptonomy. Dr. Bird doesn't wake up until the Angriest Boy picture book snaps viselike over her hand and the Devil looms hungrily behind her. Wherever David has retreated – or been driven back to – they can't reach or wake him.

During Chapter 3's first memory trip, Dr. Bird observes that David's power seems to explode when he feels trapped and helpless, and now the traps are converging from all sides: He's wracked with guilt about his sister, who was taken solely as a means of getting to him. Troubled by his powers and doubting his sanity, he's begun to realize that it may not be possible to disentangle the former from the latter. And the Devil flickers into view every time he closes his eyes. Syd's love might ground him for now, but relief is not escape, and I'm not sure how much more of this David can take.

QUOTES

“Shall we begin?”

“’Control’ may be an overstatement.”

“Unhand the reptile, Space Captain!”

“Could you maybe not break everything this time?” “I’m not gonna promise that.”

“That bitch’s secrets have secrets.”

“Hey, if you learn to control that, you’re gonna be a world-class badass.”

“Who rescued who from who from a pool surrounded by commandos with guns?”

“Everyone in here keeps saying I’m sane. What if they’re wrong?”  

ODDS & ENDS

As of this episode, "mutant" is officially in play.

Syd and David’s courtship continues its awkward and chaste trajectory. Their experiences of the body switch highlights a key difference: Having tracked her consciousness across several different bodies, Sydney maintains a clear sense of self and thinks of her body as a transient vehicle for her mind. David sets a greater premium on knowing where his personal mass begins and ends, because it's the only thing he can be sure of; his mind, unbound by physical constraints, eludes any kind of grasp. Opposites really do attract. Their dynamic is sweet, but a little bit of Gambit/Rogue energy might be fun later on.

Clockworks treated David's abilities as illness, and Summerland insists his illness was his abilities. Both of these approaches may do David a disservice, as there's been no evidence to suggest mutant powers and mental illness are mutually exclusive.

The Summerland therapy/meeting room where most of this episode happens has a window in the same X-shape as the "O" in the series logo.

Summerland's outdoor classroom bears an uncanny but probably unintentional resemblance to the Institute River Tam attends in Serenity.

Everyone has started wearing a neat little wristband device – a communicator? A tracker?

Poor Amy! She's Exhibit A in no good deed going unpunished, and she's so normal she never even considered the existence of mutants. I hope D3 got that bit of conversation from Amy by spying, because it would be really upsetting if her husband turned out to be a D3 agent.

Brubaker, the D3 agent interrogating Amy, sounds like a fanatic – my money's on him being this universe's Senator Kelly. He's played by David Selby, probably best known as Quentin Collins in Dark Shadows.

The elevator and coffee machine speak in her husband's voice, but Dr. Bird refuses to say what happened to Oliver.

The soundtrack continues to kick ass and take names: This week's arresting selection is Robert Plant's "Monkey," which played over the trick-or-treating scene and which you should go listen to right now.

FAN THEORIES, or WHAT THE HELL I THINK IS GOING ON

It's beginning to look more and more like Lenny might be one of David's personalities. The main piece of evidence against this theory is her death, which is witnessed by Dr. Kissinger and David-as-Syd AND referenced by the interrogator, but that could just mean the entire world is a pocket universe or a delusion.

The Devil with Yellow Eyes and the The World's Angriest Boy in the World are the same creature/being/malevolent consciousness. Even if they were once only metaphors for David's anger or fear, the nature of his mind has given them real being.

Ptonomy's powers are impaired in the presence of the Devil with Yellow Eyes, even when David is sedated. That fact, and the way it moves through David's mind with something like intent, strongly suggests to me that it has some independent existence, it definitely wants something, and David's fear of it is not entirely irrational.

While she's walking through the house, David's parents see Dr. Bird. In addition to being creepy as hell, this points to his memory being self-aware.

So what's the over/under on Walter being Melanie and Oliver's kid?

I'm trying to figure out whether the book slamming shut on Dr. Bird's hand was a trap sprung by the Devil with Yellow Eyes or a safety switch David's mind flipped to wake her up.

Noah Hawley loves to reference significant stories or concepts in-show, perhaps most famously in the "Buridan's Ass" episode of Fargo, so it's no accident that he slipped in the story of the woodcutter and the crane. In almost every version of the story, the relationship with the crane starts with an act of kindness but ends with a breach of trust motivated by curiosity or greed. David may be the crane helped but ultimately alienated (and potentially damaged) by Summerland's well-meaning prying.

Colorwatch: David's pants are gray (the color he wears when he loses control) but his t-shirt is orange and black (Syd's colors). The meeting/therapy room is primarily yellow with red accents. The soothing greens of the forest feature much less prominently in this episode. Brubaker wears the same neutrals as Dr. Bird; whether this indicates some shared motive or just a shared interest in mutants is currently unclear. Everyone else continues to wear their trademark colors and/or show up in previously viewed outfits (e.g. Lenny and past-David).

Feeling like a gibbering pile of fear? Here, have a beagle.