#i feel like someone will unfollow me after that because I seem like a crazy person 😭

[retrobr]

Lazytown Shenanigans Pt. 5

.... What in the world was that....

Today I decided to finally watch some episodes from season four, expecting that I'd experience the whole spectrum of cringe, but I was a little bit wrong. I experienced something indeed, and it was not cringe but a total shock (a positive shock, I should say) because of some things that happened there 💀

I've watched two episodes in a row today: "The Fortune Teller" and "The Wizard of LazyTown,"  and both of these episodes left a pretty good impact on me

A small note: I want to warn in advance that this post will mostly contain Sportarobbie stuff and my uncontrollable wheezing and screaming, so if you don't like one of these things or both, just scroll this post and have a good day :3

Well, let's start... 😭

"The Fortune Teller."

I... don't know where to start, to be completely honest 😭. I could've just screamed here and that's it, but that's not how I like to express my thoughts, so I need to keep my rambling constructive at least a little. 

I guess I'll start with the fact that I was pretty surprised that the very first thing that Sportacus did when he woke up was play. Bro I mean... go brush your teeth first? Have a breakfast, I don't know?? This guy is obsessed with sports and activities so much that he even forgets to complete everyday things oh my god 🙄 I mean I shouldn't be surprised because of this, I guess, but WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK. DUDE. MY DEAR. 😭

Also it seemed very cute to me that Ziggy was playing Sportacus in the puppet show. He was also kinda silly, like boy, just wait until the part when you can finally join.. But I just can't blame him, he was so excited to take part in this show as his favorite hero 🥹

And it melted my heart a little that Robbie was also interested in seeing this silly little puppet show, plus he was pretty caught up with the idea of predicting the future and such things

And this is about where the not-quite-adequate part of my post begins... be prepared folks.

AJSJSBDBAJKAKANSNQAK THAT SCENE. THAT FUCKING SCENE. WHEN ROBBIE WAS RAMBLING ABOUT SPORTACUS LIKE "OH HIS FLIPPITY-FLOPPITY AND HIS MUSCLES AGAIN" AND SPORTACUS WAS LIKE STANDING RIGHT BESIDE HIM?? HEARING ALL THAT SHIT AND IT SOUNDED KINDA SUSPICIOUS??? PLEASE HELP ME I'M HYPERVENTILATING, YOU GUYS SHOULD'VE SEEN MY REACTION WHEN I SAW AND HEARD IT *smashes the table*

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL – OH NO NO NO, IT'S NOT ALL; IT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING OF MY CRAZY RAMBLING. AND THEN ROBBIE FINALLY NOTICED SPORTACUS' PRESENCE, AND THERE WAS THAT AWKWARD SILENCE FOR A MOMENT OMG 😭😭 AND THEN HE KINDA TRIED TO.. EXPLAIN HIMSELF?? BUT KEPT STUTTERING BECAUSE WHAT COULD HE SAY IN HIS DEFENSE? I MEAN, I THINK HE REALIZED IT SOUNDED PRETTY ODD LMAOO

Stop I need to clam down for a second, good lord... One of the details in that scene that genuinely shocked me was the fact that Robbie suggested a cake. A cake. Robbie, who desperately loves cakes and doesn't want to share them with anyone, to Sportacus, who is his rival. I- what?? 😭 Bro was so speechless that he even forgot that he wanted to eat a cake. Holy shit what are they doing to me and my poor heart...

And since we're talking about their interactions, HOLY FUCKING SHIT БЛЯТЬ (sorry I'm too emotional at the moment) ROBBIE WAS CARRYING SPORT OVER HIS SHOULDER HJAKAN HELLO?? I- *inner screaming* What should I say about it?? I'm genuinely speechless, like, I have a pretty good vocabulary, but I don't know what to say about it right now, oh my goodness 😭

Or, wait, I think I know what I can say about it. So it turns out that Robbie isn't that weak and can actually carry pretty heavy things? Does he just pretend to be weak? Damn I should make a separate post about it because this topic seems interesting to me...

Ok let's put aside the topic of those idiots for a moment and talk about other things, I guess... I won't say anything about Robbie's disguise this time because, well, I'm not really fond of all this crossdressing stuff (I think that's what it's called?) So I hope you, buddies, understand me

But what I should point out is that he predicted a good future for the kids. As I said in my previous "Lazytown Shenanigans" posts, I know that he finds them annoying, but he still doesn't wish them any bad, and it genuinely warms my stupid sentimental heart 🥺💜

And the song was pretty catchy in my opinion :]

These are already fulfilling the role of tradition in this series of posts, but a few words about my hatred towards Stingy. His usual greed made me amazed, in a bad way, again; he is ready to expose his friend to danger for the sake of riches and the ringing of gold coins in the piggy bank. Yes, he realized his mistake in the end, but I was pretty outraged because of his behavior. Bro, that person saves the lives of your friends and yours in particular, BE AT LEAST GRATEFUL FOR THAT.

Phew. Now let's talk about the other episode,

"The Wizard of LazyTown."

There's nothing much I can tell because that episode was pretty ordinary, except some things, of course.

The scene in which Robbie talked to Stephanie and Milford brought a warm smile to my face, genuinely. He tried to behave nice again, even despite the fact that he had some evil-ish intentions behind that. I mean, he was interested to hear about Stephanie's ongoings and why she wasn't playing with other kids 🥹

And now we're returning to the dorks once again. Bear with me, my dear people, I am very passionate about it.

OK WELL. It made my chest go fuzzy, and I'm not really sure why, but that scene in which Robbie gathered the apples from the tree seemed to me so fucking cute. Robbie killed his time picking up those apples just to give them all to Sportacus in the end. I know he kinda didn't want to do that, but oh my goodness. Robbie said that he gathered them for him ("it's all for you." it's all for you." 😭) or something like that (my heart just made a flip and I'm not joking) and just gave them all to Sport 🥺 

I attach too much importance to this just because Robbie could've lied to him the other way and said that he gathered those apples for kids, and then he could've just gotten rid of them, and that's all. But instead he became very nervous again and gave them to Sportacus on impulse. I think I need to scream into the window-

WHY JUST WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO ME?? I SWEAR I'LL HAVE A HEART ATTACK BECAUSE OF THEM ONE DAY *breaks down crying like an idiot*

And the fact that he accidentally made a... potion (I think??) that made him act like Sportacus was just amusing to me. WHO COULD'VE KNOWN THAT HE CAN MAKE SPLITS AND FLIPS?? OMG-

The last thing that I'll say about Robbie is that I'm actually impressed by his ability to change his voice that significantly. I mean, the man can even sing with those voices, and I can't help but be amazed by that

And finally, I'm ending this very long and very emotional rambling with the scene with those magical sprinkles. Idk they seemed very pretty to me, I was like a little kid who saw a magical trick for the first time in their life. That was simply beautiful 🥺

Ok so... This turned out to be a very long post, apparently 😭 I'm not sure if someone will read it till the end, but if someone actually did, THANK YOU!!! You have no idea how much it means to me, your attention is very appreciated :3

[running-tweezers]

You know, I never really talk about the specifics as to why I’m so cautious about fandom and what I get involved in on here. And also as a result why I’m often really scared to interact with people. But I was recently talking about my experience with a friend and doing a lot of unpacking with myself. And as tough as it is, I think I want to share, in case it might help someone.

CW: threats of death and sexual assault, unwanted romantic/sexual advances, suicide, toxic relationships

I will try to make this as concise as possible but no promises lol

It was around 2014. I was about 19/20. I had recently started being more active in a fandom that will remain unnamed. This fandom was by far the biggest one I’ve ever been a part of, but not a big super fandom, like Superwholock or Marvel or whatever was big at the time. And this piece of media was everything to me. I kept up with new content religiously. I went to conventions. I cosplayed. I have beloved memories with irl friends attached to it. It brought me such genuine joy, and there’s a part of me that’s sad it’s been so poisoned for me that I can’t look at anything related to it anymore.

I was just starting to dip my toe into the online fandom aspect of things, and I was looking for people to follow. I saw someone make a post about my favorite character, and I agreed with the take so hard, it was as if I wrote it myself. So I followed instantly. Not long after, that blog followed me back, and sent me a DM. We’re gonna call him G.

G introduced himself and asked me if I followed him because I read his fanfic. I didn’t even know he wrote fanfic. Turns out G was a WAY bigger deal in the online fandom than I realized. He had written what was, at the time, the longest running piece of fanfiction for this fandom. He was what some might consider a “Big Name Fan”. I was so shocked that someone that big wanted to follow me, a tiny blog who was better known for posting about musical theater before getting into this fandom.

We talked about my favorite character for a while, and then started talking in the DMs more regularly after that. I was so excited that I was making a friend within this fandom. And someone so well known! It was crazy! I did read his fanfic, it definitely wasn’t for me, not my cup of tea, but that was fine! I didn’t need to tell him that, that would be rude! So I lied, and told him I loved it. I also told him I loved one of his favorite ships, even though I was pretty eh on it, didn’t care one way or the other. But I couldn’t hurt his feelings! This was a new friend!

That was mistake number one, but also maybe what ended up saving me.

After a while, our conversations turned a little more personal, talking about our lives outside of fandom. That’s when things started getting weird. G seemed like he maybe wanted something more than friendship. I was pretty clear that I was in a serious relationship at the time and not available (which was true, that relationship is now my wonderful husband) and he would back off a bit. But soon he was back on it again, reblogging my selfies with strings of heart eye emojis, sending me ask game responses straight up telling me that he thought I was hot and he had a crush on me, basically pushing things as far as he could without crossing a line.

Never once did I consider unfollowing him, or blocking him though. Because after we became friends I started to see that G was not afraid of calling people out. He had enough sway that he could turn a large swath of people against someone if he talked shit in a post. And honestly, he was ruthless. If I turned him down outright, or stopped talking to him, that could be me he went after next. Thats when I became absolutely terrified of upsetting him. So I kept putting up with his advances, kept praising his fanfic I didn’t like, kept talking all about this ship he loved, kept listening to him talk shit about people who didn’t agree with his opinions, kept talking to him like we were buddies. But I was scared.

It wasn’t until much much later down the line that realized I was essentially in a controlling and abusive relationship with this guy. The fact that it was platonic and not romantic (at least on my end) clouded that for me in the moment. My life revolved around online fandom, the drama, the discourse, and making sure my opinions lined up with his so he wouldn’t get mad at me.

That’s how it went until shit eventually hit the fan. I was gone for a while and I couldn’t get online for a week or so. I remember worrying that he was gonna get mad that I wasn’t answering him. So when I got the chance to go online again I went to check. And G was gone. Account deactivated. I was so confused, so I went digging in the fandom tag.

Turns out G had been exposed for sending very detailed and personal death and rape threats to people who didn’t agree with him. People who didn’t ship his favorite ship. People who didn’t like his fanfic. He had been sending these threats the entire time I knew him.

I have never felt such retroactive fear in my entire life. I was one of the people who didn’t agree with him on everything. I didn’t ship his favorite ship. I didn’t like his fanfic. I just lied and said I did to placate him. If he was sending such detailed and personal death and rape threats to total strangers on the Internet, I cannot imagine what he might have done had he found out I also didn’t agree with him. Someone he thought was his friend. Someone he was obviously romantically and sexually attracted to.

And I realized that just because he deactivated his account, that didn’t mean he was gone. He could very easily make another account. He could find me again.

That filled me with such dread that I quit tumblr. I left this website and fandom entirely.

The next year was what I consider one of the worst of my entire life mentally. Not all of it was because of this, but I think this experience, plus a lot of things about fandom/tumblr culture in general at the time were definitely the one jenga block I pulled that knocked the whole tower down. I ended up trying to take my own life that year. Fortunately that didn’t happen and I got help that I desperately needed.

I debated coming back to tumblr for a long time. I was gone from online fandom for 8 years. And I missed it. It wasn’t all bad. I missed the joy it was capable of bringing me. So now that I’m nearly 30, I decided to come back so I could join the Redacted community, because it had become such an intense hyperfixation. I figured I had grown, and I knew how to set boundaries and control my time online now. And for the most part I have. There are for sure still times where I see things within this community that trigger old feelings, and sometimes I wonder if coming back was a mistake. But for the most part I’m really proud of myself for coming back and making the experience of being part of a fandom a positive one again.

If you feel like fandom is becoming a place that is hurting you, PLEASE. Set boundaries. Take control of your time online. Nothing and nobody in any fandom is more important than taking care of yourself and your mental health. It may seem so incredibly important but at the end of the day? It’s only tumblr. There is a great big world out there and this is a teeny tiny slice of it. Don’t let that tiny slice ruin everything else, ok? If I can help one single person by sharing this, it will have been worth it.

[lipglossanon]

Hello! I just wanted to let you know that it is 100% not your job to monitor what minors are doing online whether you write nsfw content or not. Minors who want to consume nsfw content most definitely are not going to care about a warning and it is 100% on parents to ensure their children don’t have access to that kind of content. I wish tumblr had a better system for blocking minors from viewing that kind of content, but it’s the internet and I feel like people really need a dose of reality when it comes to the internet. I’ve seen some real vile, fucked up works of fiction online and yours are literally just basic taboo with very, very common kinks that are usually only hot in a fictional setting. I understand everyone has boundaries, but some people truly shouldn’t scour the internet if they can’t grasps that someone that’s not committing a crime (or even writing about minors in the first place because can we talk about how common it is for fandoms to write porn between minors or even minors with adults??) should be able to write a work of fiction. I might come off as overly mad about this but as someone who dealt with sexual abuse from a family member as a minor, I find it crazy when someone starts suggesting that engaging with incest fics or even ddlg fics is supporting grooming or pedophilia. Writing should always be a safe outlet of expression and if people find it gross, they do not have to consume that content. If I was you, I would just ignore it all. You’re not at fault for anyone but *you*. Not what your followers say, not what someone doesn’t agree with, not if a minor reads your work. This is your page and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone for writing insanely common smut even if you do want to be respectful. You deserve respect as well and I find it disrespectful that people expect u to be mommy to everyone on ur page.

U don’t have to post this either, I just wanted to rant as well because I’m mad that u had to deal with people making u feel bad about small things like a warning and accidentally using the word grooming in the wrong context when u obviously have 0 bad intentions and are always so fucking kind.

Hi anon!

I know you said I didn’t have to post, but I wanted to reply back to you (and this is the only way to do it haha).

I just wanted to say thank you! 💜 💜 It might seem silly but this means a lot to me! 🥹🥹

You seriously made me tear up cause I really do try to be respectful and kind on this platform; it’s the least someone can give to another. We’re all just people ya know?

And looking back at it now after a few days have passed, I’m still confused (since I don’t even know what was being said about me/my blog) as well as disappointed cause I thought I was on friendly terms with these people. I didn’t even get a chance to defend myself before everyone just dropped me like I have the plague lol.

And to be quite honest, I find it kinda hypocritical to unfollow me for a misunderstanding when most of the mutuals I followed at the time wrote equally problematic/dark content (and I’m not even writing underage or grooming to begin with!).

Like it’s one thing for someone to not follow me for their own reasons; it’s another to tell people not to because of X, Y, Z and it not even be in the correct context cause you’re just cherry picking my asks/posts based on my ignorance.

Also, I’m sorry you had to go through that sort of abuse, anon! ❤️‍🩹 thank you for sharing ❤️‍🩹

I’m moving past it! I’ve blocked/unfollowed anyone who I thought might see my content that was involved (just in case). And any hate gets deleted. I’m honestly doing fine! Just get peeved every now and again cause like why be nice to me up until zero hour and then not even discuss it with me? I mean critical thinking skills are a thing ya know? 🤣 it’s giving Kelso (damn Jackie, I can’t control the weather 🤭)

[eskelwolfed]

piggybacking on that anon: you are strong standing up to them with that letter. people are herded like sheep when it comes to hate way too easily sometimes and there's folks who have so much time on their hands that they degrade their own health because of someone living their life. i'm glad to see you STILL writing your muse. and the fact that they're still running after you over a year is not surprising. people are fucking crazy.

stay strong, man. you're doing great. :)

😭 my God thank you so much!

Honestly it took some bravery to put that online, but I'm glad I did. Sure, trying to be the bigger person is very grown up and ignoring them is usually the way to go... But this hater didn't stop for so long, ignoring doesn't seem to help with them.

I know they stalk me online, too and even check who I followed/unfollowed/blocked—that's a whole new level of concerning behaviour. This is toxic obsession. Part of me feels sorry for them. They must be in a very bad place mentally...struggling with something I'm not responsible for...I'm probably just the scapegoat for a much bigger problem the can't work through.

Thank you again for reaching out, it means the world to me to know that I have support from the community.

Lots of love to you, and a big virtual hug!! 🤗💕

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

“it was all positive and love until evan got with natalie and i posted about it. which is actually sad. meh.”

This is something that still shocks and confuses me because up until then she always seemed level headed about stuff like that and never seemed like someone who would send harassing messages. She even admitted, around Coachella when fans were freaking out, that when Evan and Haley got together it had made her upset and she took a break and realized that she was being foolish and said that she was never going to act like that over Evan’s relationships again, I guess trying to calm or comfort those who were anxious about the prospect of Evan being in a relationship. But then when Evan and Natalie were seen out and about that first time in New York, well shit hit the fan. On that same note, “Maddie” had also seemed level headed, like she never expressed any jealousy towards Evan’s relationships, and she generally came across as a nice person. But when fans were speculating that Evan was with Natalie in New York, she honestly became really rude about it. Basically acting like we were crazy and stupid for thinking it was Evan and that there was no chance in hell that he was with her. This whole tarot saga has been one of the weirdest things to me. When I followed the OG tarot blog, and afterwards mycovenofchaos, I took what “Maddie” said about herself at face value because I had no reason to believe that she was being deceptive and the readings and stuff were just entertainment for me. Now though, after the craziness that occurred, I have been rethinking and second guessing a lot. I would get into it all but this message is already very long lol.

i totally understand, i agree that this is one of the weirdest fandom sagas i’ve personally witnessed and i feel like that says.. a lot? like, it’s a head scratcher that i’m only now able to sort of unfurl and understand. it’s still crazy to me that there are people who i had shared mutual good will with, people who followed and interacted with this blog frequently, who actually have animosity stemming from the fact that i posted about evan and natalie before they were “official”.

like, at the end of the day…. all of this back and forth started and actually stems from the fact some brazilian girl on tumblr who i was cool with, felt resentful that the conversations happening on my blog made it difficult for her to deny the reality that evan peters is in a relationship. she spent days following and unfollowing me and making post after post that were quietly calling me and my readers out. she wanted me to see what she was saying. she sent me anons trying to basically muzzle and berate me for speaking about them. now, she’s quiet as a church mouse while her bum ass friend lets people crawl into her ask box to be homophobic, let rosa go unchecked with her madness and gftwd rewrite history. life comes at you fast..

[star2sworld]

I had a really good today but I downloaded instagram and I texted him. A long paragraph once again. Saying I love you and I’ll talk to you next year. He doesn’t even respond to me. He also follows a new person. He actually really doesn’t care for me. I think I’m dead to him like really I’m crying secretly and my sister is right next to me.

All of that for what? Not even one respond. Ever. Wish he’d just block me honestly. I deleted instagram and I’m not using it for a long while. I said I’ll text him next year but after seeing his new follower it made me realize he texts them but not me anymore. Made me really sad tbh.

I don’t like being on bad terms with him. It hurts because he doesn’t care for me anymore. I think he love bombed me. I don’t even want to talk to any guy. I mean I haven’t since. I really need to heal from him it hurts.

please don’t be in love with someone else.

It sucks, he’s the first guy that made me feel worthy and somewhat loved. He probably replaced me but that’s an assumption which I shouldn’t make but Ik I’m correct.

I genuinely dont think he ever cared for me if he can stop texting me completely. He removed me and unfollowed me then followed 2 new people. It’s crazy. Is he using twt again? Not my problem anymore. I’ve been doing good this week without texting him. I did think about him a lot but I was having still good days.

The fact he still texts other girls just idk. It made me feel a way. That I’m nothing to him. It’s crazy bc he made it seem like he cared for me and our relationship at times. I swear he’s bipolar. I think this is for the better. I’m going to act as if this never happened. Just a big bad fantasy that went wrong. And I don’t think I’ll text him next year. I don’t want to keep chasing a man who genuinely doesn’t want me. I wish him well but does he wish me well? Nah. He not my business no more.

We’re done. Like seriously, I am actually done. He doesn’t exist to me anymore. Bye.

[edzasks]

Jules! Sending you hugs! Please eat some yummy, nutritious food! If you need to vent, vent. I care about you and how you are doing.

It’s so dumb. Basically I was talking to this one person (mind you, it’s a chick btw — I’m sticking to men ONLY forevermore after this), basically chick I knew briefly last year, but got to know her these 2 months started hardcore love bombing me, chasing me, pursuing me, etc. We end up getting very close, very quickly, and genuinely she was the most awesome person to talk to.

Then I started liking her and she felt it was mutual, but mind you it was heavy love bombing, and funny enough I always knew I was being gassed up too quickly, if someone is ‘too nice’ and fast pacing; never believe them, but instead of being guarded and isolated like I typically proceed nonchalant, I decided to be open cause I trusted them as a friend.

Then near the end (Halloween) she switched up, she starts ignoring my msgs, and being cold & distant. This is where the chess games started coming in.

And I, a very fucking mellow very low maintenance person - MIND YOU … Started to feel like I was going losing my mind, actually no I was genuinely so ticked by this I was convinced I was a crazy person (no!) While she was playing these games and discarding me. Alexa play Dear John…

Then since I felt like she was playing games, I played dumb and pretended I no longer felt for her, in response she told me she “didn’t find anyone else” then hours later lies telling me; she had “replaced me” and found someone else.

Despite mine you, weeks ago obsessing over me, love bombing me heavily, making bold statements like she wants me and only me, etc, showing me screenshots of fwbs she apparently cut off for me, bunch of gassing up bs.

In the end (basically) to summarise I feel like absolute shit, and being discarded like I’m nothing and all the games f’d with my head, and the sad part is I am good at seeing this shit but I ignored the 🚩flags (knew it months ago this would happen to) because I decided to be blind… Ironically anyone into tarot reading too the cards pulled about the scenario too said fraud, bad energy, bad, bad, bad to the point where the reader needed a deck cleanse and run too. 🫠

Blocked her off basically everything now, and she was still flip flopping when I told her to lose my #, and she’s like “why is there so much drama?” (when I just told her cause she won’t communicate just silent treatment) Then seemed bothered that I was running away since she said “always running and disappearing” (yup!! Saved me from ppl like that!!)

But I ran.

I didn’t like her comment either about how she “needs to heal” (instead of being w someone) yet wants to “see where it goes” w me (as if I’m a side hoe)… lbr … until someone better comes along 🤣 and the whole time I’ve been replaced. Which contradicts her bs, and lie.

It’s a long rant, but I think they have NPD, so I was victim to a narcissist basically.

Lot of gaslighting too trying to say it’s a waste of time (or I am) cause she stopped believing I was bi, or w.e. It’s all manipulation imo & punishment. And saying shit like I shouldn’t be mad. No empathy, just games. When I first deleted her she said she’d give me space, and when I apologised steering clear of maybe she isn’t a narc, she took hours to respond with her shady “ok” … Despite her offering me space (lol)…

I didn’t like either how she lied about one of her friends being her fuck buddy (reality is, that chick has a bf) just constant … lies.

I have no interesting in dating again, and I’m happily gonna go back to being me, myself & I and my emotional unavailability comfort zone because ppl these days are the worst. I don’t need someone to be happy tbh. I’m fine on my own.

I think she still follows me on Spotify / twitter idk why she hasn’t unfollowed me on everything else yet 🤷‍♀️ but the audacity too that she had to ask why I deleted her off snap. 🙄

Like… I just feel sick to my stomach basically it’s hard to eat because the distress (to shortly summarise this) and I feel like a moron, and not good enough.

[twelvedaysinaugust]

Hi, Mod !

Mediocre storytime alert:

Before using tumblr, I used stan twitter a lot and used to have a larrie mutual that was very funny and, despite being irritated by some things she did, such as exaggerating in a strange way a part of louis' personality (like all blouies) and having harry as a favorite (which is no problem at all to have a favorite, this was just not my case), I always came back on her page because she always seemed to be very smart.

Last night I spent two hours scrolling through her page, because I was intrigued to see that she had stopped following Harry’s career and also had deleted her fic (and as I had already said, Harry seemed to be her favorite and it had only been a short time since she had gone to his show). And I found out that she had dropped Harry and created a narrative in her head that they broke up, which is also fine with me because, in fact, there is no way of knowing.

But for me it's very little about her opinions and more about the way she acts about it. For example, she always followed all of Louis' sisters and commented on everything they did/do (as if she knew them, their personalities) as a way to force a relationship between her and louis, to look intimate and thus seem that she is superior because she 'knows everything', and began to make fun of those who continued to believe that they were in a relationship. What in my head is very crazy that you base your treatment with people on opinions you have about the nuances of the life of a third person we don't know. We can have an idea about the values of our idols, we can admire his art and be happy with his victories, but the truth is that we only see him (for a long period of time) in situations in which he feels loved and important (shows, subscriptions, signings etc) and therefore, we always see the best part of him in those events. But we don't know his dynamics with others on normal days, we don't know his flaws, we don't know what happened and much less in details, so to stop following Harry for being frustrated with the expectations she created about how he should act is stupid. We don't know Louis' career goals to assume that his team is incompetent and that everyone wants to sabotage Louis (including the fans themselves by making jokes saying that they wanted less demand to get a ticket) as she does and as the radlouies do. We don't know details of Harry/Louis' relationships with the others members of the band to speak ill of the others members of the band. And it makes me sick to know that this kind of relationship can exist between an artist and a fan, and it is very sad to see this kind of thing, because it spoils a little to be in the fandom for me. Sorry if there were too many subjects in one, I was just very upset yesterday and wanted to share it with someone and I don't have many friends in the fandom with whom I can talk about it.

Hi, nonnie.

I’m sorry you’re feeling alone in the fandom (or were when you sent this ask). It’s really hard to lose fandom friends or realize that their values and opinions don’t align with yours.

I won’t lie - the ecosystem of fandom twitter (in particular Larrie twitter) is completely foreign to me. But I do think it’s always possible to find people you like and respect regardless of which side of the fandom you find yourself leaning towards. Sometimes those circles can just be smaller than others - and that’s okay!

As you said, fans only see a very tiny portion of Harry and Louis’ lives, and to draw sweeping and definite conclusions probably isn’t wise. I do think fans have every right to take a step back from Harry, Louis, or any other artist if the artist is no longer resonating with them. (In fact, I’d encourage fans to do that, lol.) But at that point, I think it’s best to let bygones be bygones and I also tend to unfollow when I see post after post chastising Harry, Louis, Larries, Antis, etc. after a fan changes their opinion on any of those topics.

Hope you’re doing well and finding a way to navigate fandom that feels fun and enjoyable. 🤍

[divinelysewn]

i still often think about how badly your mom despised me. i couldn’t ever tell if your dad liked me. he would thank me for being a good friend and person in your life, someone to keep you on track and care for you, and then often i’d feel like he didn’t really care for me. maybe it’s because he shows it differently, maybe it’s because i just couldn’t read him. i guess at this point maybe it’s the autism. i felt pathetic trying to seek your family’s approval. i think a part of me thought if i couldn’t get it from mine, i’d try elsewhere. your dad was always so supportive of you, i think i really just wanted that too. the many criticisms from my father left me wanting a figure who seemed at least interested in my life. your mom was another story, i never really knew why she didn’t like me… and at the end, when it definitely hurt in the moment, that was when she hugged me and let me cry to her. when i felt like i was a part of your family. it’s crazy, because i fought tooth and nail for my dad to understand, to accept you. i stood up for you constantly, defended your identity and what i thought of you. i never told my family about any of the times that you broke my heart. it hurt so fucking bad that you could never defend me back— that it seemed you never wanted to. i loved your family— your brother and aunt, especially. when your brother and his girlfriend at the time unfollowed me on all of my socials, i was confused as to what it meant (silly thing now, but the sentiment was still there). i was hurt and i asked you to maybe try to figure out why. i never found out why. i still don’t even know if he liked me. i still care about them immensely. i have a stack of postcards from my travels for your aunt that i just haven’t sent because it’s obviously too late. i hate that i never got to say goodbye to her but that’s just how the bridge falls.

i hate everything you did to me. i lost all capacity for empathy towards you when i took off the fucking rose colored glasses that were somehow superglued to my stupid face. i drove so fast that night. i cannot believe i wasn’t pulled over. i could have fucking died. and you never deserved as much as i gave you. my heart, my soul, my time, my energy. you ripped me apart and pulled me so thin that i reacted. and you hated the reaction. i did too. but you cannot poke a caged animal over and over and expect it to never fight back. i was so broken from you. you still victimize yourself, im sure, as if me closing off my affections and setting emotional boundaries because you used me as a fucking plaything was to hurt you. you mistreated me until i believed i deserved it. you hurt me and cried when i was upset. when i deserved to cry. when i deserved to be held and loved and cared for. you didn’t respect me. you only respected what i could do for you, what i could give you.

i lost so much weight because of you. i lost 15 pounds in two fucking weeks, which i thought was impossible, but when you take into consideration i could hold nothing down and didn’t even drink enough water to pee, it somehow isn’t shocking. i had a headache for two weeks due to the tears. i slept in my cold childhood room, i begged for my daddy when i came home that night, sobbing and shaking. i relapsed worse than i ever had. my dad slept on the floor in my room that night. i was so empty and broken and my stomach hurt so bad because something told me to leave you after you kissed your ex a week after you asked me to be yours. i never did. and all of a sudden we were in a similar situation again. i saw time and time again how little i meant to you, and somehow i kept trying. oh how pathetic i was, how embarrassing and disgusting of you.

i hope you think of me forever. i hope i’m in every girl you ever kiss and hold. i hope you think of me when you see the stars and tarot cards, against the cold winter nights and the frogs that croak near your house. i hope i’m in each breath of weed, the tattoos on your arms. i’ll be in ariana grande and mac miller, in coldplay and pierce the veil. i hope your memories of me never fade until i have found peace for the horrors you caused me. i can’t love the way i used to, i can’t trust the way i used to— because of you. you called me crazy for reacting to your betrayal. i hope you fucking choke. every action you’ve ever taken put you in this position. you made your fucking bed. lay in it.

[sabrinawearsprada]

the best relationship advice i could give

I've been in a relationship with my best friend for almost 10 years now and have gained so much wisdom from it - and the number one question I get is "How do you guys manage?" or some people say "I want a Glen!" or "I want what you guys have." Well let me tell you - I didn't always have a Glen. My first relationship caused me so much pain and trauma that I bet the universe said "Let's cut her some slack and match her up with someone who will make her happy for once." And you know what? They finally did!

As much as we seem so happy on the outside together, there are times where we drive each other crazy and make one another upset, but we're both fortunate enough to be with someone who makes us happy and feel loved all the time while never leaving the honeymoon phase after all these years. At the end of the day, we're just lucky that we never get tired of each other's presence, and the fact that we could look at each other and just smile and not say anything at all but still laugh says a whole lot. Ten years of endless smiles and laughter and now we're getting married in May.

If you ask me, I think it's important to be with someone who you call your best friend. When you're with someone who you're ONLY attracted to and have lustful feelings toward or have barely anything in common with, chances are that you'll burn each other out and just call it quits because there's no spark. You don't have to have EVERYTHING in common with your partner - just as long as there's loyalty and feelings of warmth and love, by all means you're in the clear. For example, I'm into horror movies (Glen's not into horror movies) and Glen loves Star Wars (whereas I'm not much of a Star Wars fan except for Rogue One), but we're still happy! But I mean, other than that we basically have everything else in common - so that's a plus.

Loyalty and trust can either make or break a relationship. I know so many people have different opinions on this topic - where as if your partner still follows or likes posts of their ex or someone they used to be involved with and if it makes you uncomfortable, what would you do? Some people would tell their partner that they're bothered by this and their partner would calmly offer to block or unfollow said person, or their partner would have a fit and try to think of as many reasons to not block or unfollow or stop liking said person's posts due to narcissistic behavior. What do you think is the right response? I'll leave that up to you.

As for my relationship, if anything bothers either of us, we communicate and talk it out - which is what every person in a relationship SHOULD do. When you sweep things under the rug and let them bubble, the outcome you're going to get is NOT going to be pretty and you both won't be able to talk with a clear, calm head. If your partner or you are uncomfortable with anything that has been said or done, it's important to reach out so that you can come up with a healthy solution that works for both of you. For example, if someone was CLEARLY constantly hitting on your partner repeatedly and it made YOU feel some type of way and you express your feelings to them, they should respect your feelings and cut ties with them - no questions asked - because they care about YOU and WANT to put YOU first because YOU are their priority. There are some cases in where some partners are overbearing and are just possessive in general, but that's a whole other story!

And listen "ladies," I understand we all want to be treated like princesses and all that, but please do not expect your partner to pay for you at all times. It's disrespectful and your partner is human too and deserves to be spoiled by you as well. I think it's fair to take turns when paying the bill or going shopping and whatnot, and when you live together, splitting up the chores definitely keeps a healthy, happy household.

Green flags in relationships:

Open communication

Both of you are honest and trust each other

You validate each other's feelings

You're able to share and feel safe with one another

Overall just enjoy being around them

You're comfortable introducing them to your friends/family

You see yourselves growing together

You share morals and core values

Your future goals align with each other (marriage, children, pets, etc.)

Red flags in relationships:

Constantly catching your partner being dishonest

Being constantly put down

Not wanting to compromise

Shutting down or running away from difficult discussions

Possessive behavior and excessive jealousy

Being passive-aggressive or blaming when trying to communicate

Your partner has no friends/difficulty keeping relationships with people (#1 red flag!!!)

Both you or your partner have or show no support for the relationship

Now, even with all of the information I have given you, it's important that you know that finding the right person is a gamble. Some people find the right person right away, and some people take a little while longer, especially when searching for dates and having high standards. I tell this to everyone who asks me for relationship advice: stop searching for someone and let them come to you. As cheesy as it sounds, good things come to those who wait. So please, be patient and the right person will come along. They always do.

Even if you're a shithead.

- Sabrina :-)

[angeloncewas]

as a longtime mutual of yours angel & a long (long long long long) longtime member of dtblr i do want to put my two cents in re: some of the discussion i've seen from your anons. i do want to preface that i completely agree that unfollowing and distancing yourself from dtblr if you're finding all the discourse a lot to process is completely understandable and i encourage everyone to do whatever is best for their own mental health!

that being said, as someone who has been very openly upset over the recent events concerning dream and vocally expressing my frustration on my blog which has always been centred around dream, i can attest that yes i've definitely been more "aggressive" than perhaps i normally am when it comes to discourse. and to speak on behalf of a lot of my friends who are also dream mains i think the reason this particular situation has been more difficult to deal with than previous discourse can be attributed to, frankly, just how exhausted we all are. for dream to be facing hatred of this magnitude isn't necessarily new, but with other content creators actually contributing to making him the butt of their jokes, misconstruing his words or simply brushing off all the harassment he's faced, it stings just that little bit more -- especially because dream has only EVER tried to uplift and support those exact same creators.

again, i'm not saying you shouldn't remove yourself from an environment you're finding to be emotionally taxing. all i'm asking is that maybe you cut us a little slack because it's been a really crazy few days 😭

Hi Hari <3

I remember how slow this discourse settled in. How I couldn't believe it was real at first, because the content of it was so inconsequential to me. It was maybe dumb to some people, maybe upsetting to others, but nothing so big that I could've ever imagined we'd end up here. So many accounts I follow on Twitter have went private out of fear. A dox was trending on that platform - seven thousand participants and counting. I reported so many tweets that I was worried I was going to get flagged for it. I haven't spoken about it because I didn't (and still don't) want to draw attention to those parts. I think some people need to understand that even if it might seem like people are mad about a little comment, and even if they are, yesterday they were dealing with some stuff so bad and serious that they couldn't even speak of it. This is just what they can say.

And so to see the jokes, especially certain kinds, after everything, is the breaking point for a lot of people. Especially considering the context.

I'm still against threats and jumping down peoples' throats and even - on my blog in particular - flat-out neg posting instead of offering criticism. Those are just things that I do. But I don't think I'm any better for that because I know how awful dtblr is feeling, and that a lot of their response is based in that. Most people aren't hateful. There's just a point where they can't brush it off. Like Hari said, you are always more than allowed to do what you need to do for your mental health. But I promise that (most of - there are exceptions) the people being negative right now aren't doing it because they think it's fun or cool, they're just upset and have been for a while.

[destinyc1020]

How do you think the argument after the NYC pics started? Mayte Tom texted her while being angry lol

Idk Anon lol 😆

But I'm assuming it prob started off as text messages, if it even escalated to a phone call. 👀

Either way....Whether thru text or phone call, all I envision is a lot of shouting 🙈 Idk why lol....

I def don't think it was a "calm" conversation at all. 👀 I think Z is naturally zen, and I don't get the impression that she usually likes a lot of confrontation, but I think even she prob raised her voice or wrote in all caps lol on that occasion.... because I think Tom was HOT that day 😤, and I don't think he held back.

Smthg DEF went down, coz he started unfollowing ppl on her end, and she never paid him any attention on social media for months after that... even though he re-followed Darnell days later. 👀

So yeaaa..... smthg went down for sure. Cuz you don't act that way just because your ex unfollows your friends... esp not if you've already "moved on" and are dating someone new anyway. 😏 Why would you be upset? Unless..... 👀

And the way Z just seemed to slip into some type of depression during the beginning of the pandemic was also kind of weird to me. She was like off the grid for like over a month, and then her mom was posting all these stories about moms for mental health of their children and stuff..... 😔 I just feel like she was going thru a lot during that time from like Feb - July 2020 (ie. the NYC pap pics coming out and outing the rlshp with JE, the fallout with Tom, the covid-19 pandemic, being shut in during lockdown, not being able to use Euphoria as her therapy to distract her from her problems, JE leaving to go back to Australia, going through a quarter-life crisis and not knowing who she is without WORK, Tom dating Nadia - you know she had to know, the Jacdaya breakup, the death of George Floyd, the BLM marches, Trump and his craziness 🤪, etc). There was just SO MUCH going on!!! 😩😭 Ugh last year was depressing!

When she told Sam on the set of M&M that she "hasn't been doing too well....", I believe it! I could sense it too! So much stuff happened to her starting from 2019 onward. I think M&M really helped her to kind of let things out and slowly get out of her "funk". She seemed waaay happier after she won her Emmy imo. 😁 She seemed more back to normal from what I could see.

But Feb - July 2020 seemed particularly rough for her. I also remember her looking a bit "buzzed" right around that time back in Feb when she had gone from NYC with JE to then Australia again..... She just looked so weird around that time....and then there was that weird interview where she was looking out of it.

Maybe it's just my eyes lol but....

Chiiiiiiilllllle..... She was going through it! Who knows what he was giving her when they were together.... 🥴 👀

Anyway, whew! Thank goodness those days are OVER. Z looks much happier and more lucid these days lol. 😊

Like literally GLOWING! 😍

So happy for my girl. ❤👌🏾

[a-writer]

Driver’s License - c.b.

Of course i needed to write something inspired in driver’s license cause i can’t stop thinking about it! Hope you enjoy xx

Colby Brock x reader

Warnings: angst, sad

I got my driver's license last week

Just like we always talked about

'Cause you were so excited for me

To finally drive up to your house

But today I drove through the suburbs

Crying 'cause you weren't around

You still remember the day you met Colby. It was spring and the sun was shining bright. You were having a very nice day, until your best friend convinced you to drive her car, even though you didn’t have your driver's license yet.

“C’mon, just to practice!”

You agreed. Dumb decision. You were doing fine until, accidentally, you crashed into another car. A red, old toyota. Both you and your best friend were okay, it was a very small crash, a little bump on the side. Neither one of you knew what to do and then someone knocked on your window. You completely froze when you saw a pair of beautiful blue eyes staring at you angrily.  Long story short, you ended up crying your ass off begging him not to call the police because you were driving without a license. He seemed angry at first, but surprisingly he agreed not to call the police on you and just asked you one thing in return for your accident: your number.

One month later, Colby and you were dating and were the happiest couple. You never got your driver's license. You don’t remember when things started to go wrong, you just remember how Colby started to avoid you. He didn’t call, didn’t text. You finally confronted him, asked him if he was cheating and he completely denied it. But he said he needed some time. He promised you two would get back together, because he loved you. But he said he needed to get off his mind and put his priorities in order. It hurted like hell. But you accepted, cause you were going to be back together, right?

After nine months of love, you’re alone in your room. You finally got your driver’s license and you immediately thought about him. Colby used to tease you all the time and now he wasn’t around anymore.

And you're probably with that blonde girl

Who always made me doubt

She's so much older than me

She's everything I'm insecure about

Yeah, today I drove through the suburbs

'Cause how could I ever love someone else?

You saw all the posts and stories on instagram. You saw Colby next to that blonde girl all the time. And it hurt to know that the girl you spent all your relationship worried about was where you used to be. You feel a pain in your chest just thinking about it, how his arms are hugging her, his lips are kissing her, his mouth is saying her name, his hands are holding her hands. You know you can’t blame her, but it is so difficult.

You try not to think about it too much, but social media keeps reminding you of the adventures they are living together. Your head tells you to stop looking and overthinking, tells you to stop loving him because he lied. But your heart just wishes for one more taste of his lips. And you know that you just can’t move on, not for now, cause the love you feel for him is just too much.

And I know we weren't perfect, but I've never felt this way for no one

And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone

Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me

'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

On your first date after the car accident, Colby took you to an amazing viewpoint where you could see all the silhouettes of the buildings in LA. It was beautiful, but you don’t remember the view that much. You just remember his blue eyes staring deeply in your soul and how much you wanted to kiss him, even though you didn’t know him that well. But you both wanted it so bad, it ended up happening. Things with Colby went so fast, it seemed unbelievable. But you felt like you had been friends for years.

It was impossible not to love him, even through your ups and downs. You fought, like all couples do. Especially because of the pressure of the fans, but you always got through it. Now you were completely broken, to the point that you even missed the fights. He seemed fine, at least that’s the image that you got from looking on his instagram.

You never told anyone, but the first day you got your driver’s license you drove up to his house at night. You cried until there were no tears left and then your heart turned black and cold, and even though you still loved him to death, you started to feel an anger towards him building inside of you.

He lied, he said he loved you, he said he would come back to you. The wind took the words away and he left you alone.

And all my friends are tired

Of hearing how much I miss you, but

I kinda feel sorry for them

'Cause they'll never know you the way that I do

Yeah, today I drove through the suburbs

And pictured I was driving home to you

You still talked to Sam sometimes, but you started to lose the relationship with him too. Katrina would still check up on you sometimes and you tried to not make it super obvious how much you wanted to know about Colby, but she knew. You could feel how sorry she felt for you and how bad she didn’t want you to ask for him, but it seemed like the only thing you could talk about was Colby. He was not your business, and both you and Kat knew that. Still, she always tried to be nice, she told you how she thought he was super sad. But deep down, you knew it was a lie to make you feel better.

And I know we weren't perfect, but I've never felt this way for no one, oh

And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone

I guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me

'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

You knew too well. He was enjoying life with that blonde girl. He was happy without you and that was what hurt the most. You tried so hard to hate him, but it was impossible. Your heart belonged to him, it had his name tattooed with fire.

You wanted to reverse the situation and you went on dates with other guys. But you couldn’t stop comparing them to Colby, searching for all the flaws they had that Colby didn’t, thinking about how Colby did everything better. You felt like you were going crazy, that you would never get over him, so you unfollowed him on instagram and twitter, you removed his number from your phone and all your photos together. You threw away every little thing that reminded you of him in your house and you decided to start a new life.

Red lights, stop signs

I still see your face in the white cars, front yards

Can't drive past the places we used to go to

'Cause I still fucking love you, babe

It had been five months since Colby asked you to give him some time. You knew he was a 100% with the blonde girl and you still had a hard time understanding how he could do it so fast. For the first time in those five months, you decided to go to this little grocery shop where they sold italian products that you always used to go to together.

You just wanted to make a good pizza, but the universe had other plans for you, because while you were looking for your favourite type of cheese, a familiar voice called your name. You froze in the spot, you recognized it immediately. The voice called your name again and you turned around. There he was, standing right in front of you with a shy smile and his damned blue eyes staring deep into your soul.

“(Y/N), hi. It’s been quite some time.” His voice sounded the same and you couldn’t avoid the butterflies you felt on your stomach.

“Hey, Colby.” Your voice sounded more high pitched than how you’d like.

“You look good”. Your cheeks turned red when the word left his mouth and he smirked.

“You too.” An awkward silence arose between the two of you. “I’ve gotta go.”

You tried to walk away but his hand grabbed your arm and you turned to look at him surprised.

“I’m sorry” He blurted out the words without thinking.

You looked down, your eyes filling with water. Taking a deep breath, you looked back at him, holding onto your strength.

“Me too, Colby.” It physically pained you to say his name again and you could see the sadness in his eyes, too.

You tried to run away, but his hand was still holding your arm. You mentally kicked yourself for coming here, you should have stayed home and ordered a pizza. It would have been way better than this. You tried to speak again, but suddenly you felt a pair of lips on yours. You were surprised at first, but the feeling was so familiar that you couldn’t help melt into the kiss.

After five months, feeling Colby’s hands on your body felt heavenly. He kissed every inch of your skin and whispered sweet nothings into your ear. The feeling of him on top of you, the feeling of him inside of you, felt so good that it was almost like a dream. You went to sleep with his arms around you, hugging you tightly, and it felt like home.

You woke up alone. At first you thought it was impossible. You could still smell his cologne, but his side of the bed was cold. You couldn’t help but laugh at yourself. Of course this was going to happen, of course he saw the opportunity to fuck you and used you. You ended up spending the whole day crying in your bed, the feeling of his hands caressing you still present.

He lied to you twice. He saw that you were vulnerable and took advantage of that. He said how much he’d miss you, how much he’d wanted you and then he left without saying anything. And after all that, you still loved him.

Sidewalks we crossed

I still hear your voice in the traffic

We're laughing over all the noise

God, I'm so blue, know we're through

But I still fucking love you, babe

It had been one month since that night. You cut off everyone that had to do something with Colby from your life, even Kat. It hurt you, but you knew you needed to do it. Now you were okay. At least better. A part of you still loved him, but everyday a little less.

You were aware that Kat tried to get in contact with you, but you never responded. And you knew that eventually she would understand. She sent you direct messages in all your social media begging to answer her calls, to talk to her. One night you did.

“(Y/N)? Omg, finally!! I missed you, i’m so sorry”. Kat sounded desperate.

“Kat, it’s okay. I’m sorry I cut you off… I just needed some time.”

“I completely get that, just please don’t do it again.” You laughed at her words. “(Y/N)... I actually wanted to call you because I’m worried. Sam is too.” You did not respond, you already knew who she was talking about.

There were some seconds of silence and Kat took that as a sign to keep speaking.

“It’s Colby.” Well, duh. “We’re worried about him. You saw him, right? Like a month ago?”

“Yes” Your voice was quiet, but Kat could hear you perfectly.

“I knew it. Look, I don’t know what happened, but I can imagine. He’s been a mess ever since. Sam told me that he came home at like seven in the morning and immediately sent a text to…” Kat stopped.

“You can say it.”

“To her girlfriend at the time.” You felt your chest tighten but you ignored it. “He broke up with her. I think it was because whatever happened with you that night. The thing is that he has spent most of the last month alone in his room. When he’s out he’s always drunk and he’s not taking anything seriously. Not even his job, (Y/N). We’re worried about him.”

“Kat, I… I understand that you’re worried, but that’s not my business anymore. He lied to me, he used me and then he never talked to me again. I get it, he’s having a hard time. But I’ve been suffering because of him during all these past months. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can do anything about it. I’m sorry, Kat.”

Before she could say another word, you hung up.

I know we weren't perfect, but I've never felt this way for no one

And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone

'Cause you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me

'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Yeah, you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

You couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation with Kat. It had been a month when she texted you inviting you over to a party. You declined the invitation, but she told you that Colby was much better and that he agreed on not even talking to you if you didn’t want to. You still said no. Kat begged you, she offered to be by your side during the whole night. She said she was missing you too much. Finally, you gave up.

When you arrived the party was already started, the music blasting and people dancing. Kat was waiting for you on the door, she grabbed you by the arm and she promised that she wouldn’t leave your side. You smiled politely and took the shot she offered you.

Hours passed by and you had to go to the bathroom. Sam offered you to go to the one in his room and you agreed. Going up the stairs the music turned lower and you breathed deeply, already kinda tired. You were about to go into Sam’s room when you heard the door behind you opening. You froze, what a surprise.

“(Y/N)?” That. fucking. voice.

You turned around with your best smile plastered on your face.

“Hello, Colby.”

“How are you?” You didn’t respond, the room filling with awkward silence, one more time. “I actually wanted to tell you that I’m really so-”

You cut him off.

“Save it, Colby.” He seemed surprised. “I’m done with your bullshit. In fact, I’m done with you. You hurt me and I’m just trying to heal and live my life. So please, leave me alone.” You tried to leave quickly.

“(Y/N), wait!” He grabbed your arm and you kept having flashbacks to the last time you found yourself in this position. “I’m sorry, okay. I know I fucked us up. But you can’t tell me that bullshit.” Your eyes widened.

“Excuse me?”

“C’mon, (Y/N).” His face was inches away from you and you could smell the alcohol on his mouth. “You’re really going to tell me that you didn’t come to this party expecting to bump into me? You’re going to tell me that right now you’re not dying to kiss me?”

You wanted to kiss him. You wanted to kiss him badly. But that was not an option, not tonight.

“Fuck you, Colby.”

You slapped his hand away from your body and ran downstairs. You went to your car directly and drove home. You couldn’t help the tears coming down your face when you arrived home. He was an asshole, a liar and an egotistical fuck.

And the saddest thing was that you were still completely in love with him.

[bbdaydreams]

Courage My Love// Semi Eita

Pairing: Semi Eita x Reader

Summary: You like Semi and come up with a plan to confess to him, unfortunately it takes a turn. You meet again a couple years later by chance.

Chapter Six: Shape Up

Series Masterlist•<previous•next>

“Alrighty, your food will be ready shorty,” the waitress spoke before leaving with the booklets and you all thanked her.

Semi and you still haven’t had a real conversation since sitting down at the table together, just mumbling some words to get through the night which Taka took notice of. “Are you two nervous or something? It’s alright, I’m not scary and you guys don’t look scary. Enjoy yourselves please, besides this is all our treat to you guys.” Feeling guilty for your behavior you immediately apologized to Taka and his band mates and thanked them again for the invitation. Semi did the same as well. You’re both just gonna have to fake it. “It’s okay! We’re going to be spending a lot of time together so I think it’d be cool if we could get to know each other, where are you from? I’m from Tokyo.”

“Miyagi,” you and Semi answered at the same time.

“Oh! Have you guys met before or anything?”

“We went to the same high school,” Semi answered causing you to internally face palm.

“That’s crazy! Were you two friends?”

“We were. Then we lost touch when we graduated. You know, busy busy,” you spoke up before Semi could. The last thing you want was someone you look up to questioning your past drama. Just seeing Semi was enough to remind you of how things went down all those years ago.

“Yeah, this is actually our first time seeing each other since then.”

“Wow, now I’m the odd man out,” Taka laughed to which you did too. While laughing you felt something poke your side.

Semi was sneakily trying to hand you his phone. Semi started branching off to a different conversation with Taka to distract him which you know he did so you could look at his phone without suspicion since everyone else was having their own conversations. You took a quick glance at the text message he typed to someone but didn’t send.

“Can we talk after this?”

You glided your eyes back onto the two singers, focusing more on the ash blonde. You two haven’t spoken in six years, what could he have to say, you asked yourself. Starting to think out every logical scenario you could, you thought that he just wanted to get the confrontation out of the way so you could both do this tour without any issues. Whatever happens, you know that even if you say no, you’d have to talk to him eventually. Might as well get it over with sooner than later so you typed your response.

“Yeah seriously thank you so much for listening to my band too. I’m so glad you like us. I’m actually a big fan of your music,” you spoke, jumping into the conversation so you could pass Semi his phone back with ease under the table.

“Thank you. I really liked your voices and wanted you guys to join me for the last song on our set list. It’s one of the new songs off the latest album,” Taka explained.

“Which song is it?” You asked excitedly.

“Take What You Want. We made the song with 5 Seconds of Summer but I think you guys would sound really good doing their parts.”

“I’m so down!”

“Sounds good to me,” Semi added, amused by your enthusiasm.

“Here’s your food,” the waitress spoke as she set down your plates with the help of another waiter. You all thanked them for the food before enjoying your meals.

The rest of the dinner was actually quite enjoyable. From what you could tell, Haruka and Jiro were mostly catching up with each other, which you understood since they were close their final year of high school. Tomo and Toru of One Ok Rock seemed to enjoy the stories Izumi was telling them while Ryota and Yui were having fun helping Ranmaru and Subaru practice their English. You loved talking with Taka. He was really easy to get along with and made it much easier to break the ice with Semi. You all finished your meals and left the restaurant together.

“That was the best meal I’ve had in forever!” Izumi announced when everybody was outside.

“Right? I cant way to try more food!” Jiro added on.

“What do you say guys?” You and Semi said simultaneously, crossing your arms and turning from each other.

“Thank you,” Your band members said all together.

“It’s nothing really,” Toru started.

“Yeah, we’re glad we got to meet like this,” Tomo added.

“We had a lot of fun tonight. Can’t wait to see what the rest of the tour will be like,” Ryota continued.

“You’re still very welcome. We’ll see you all tomorrow at the venue. Eita, Y/n, don’t forget, two in the afternoon for rehearsal. We’re heading back to our bus so good night,” Taka finished. The guys in One Ok Rock all waved you guys goodbye before heading off.

“They were really nice,” Subaru spoke.

“Yeah, this’ll be so exciting. It’s your guys first time in the US right?” Yui asked Won’t Regret.

“Yeah, thanks again for helping us practice,” Ranmaru said.

“No worries. You can ask us for help if needed.”

“Do you guys want us to walk you to your bus? It’s dark out,” Jiro offered, looking at Haruka for a response.

She smiled at him before responding, “Jiro you’re funny, our buses are in the same lot. We might as well just walk in a group.”

“Girls, you can head off. I’m gonna talk with Semi so I’ll catch up later.”

Yui was the first one to give you a worried look, wondering if you were fine being alone with him. Izumi and Haruka looked confused and curious. From what they knew, you haven’t been in contact with Semi since high school. Tendou was the one that mostly helped you through grieving the loss of your best friend but they could recognize the look of nostalgia in your eyes when you reminisced on old memories with him. They know you were strong, but it was a pain that never completely went away.

“How long?” Izumi asked.

“It might be a while,” Semi answered. “I’ll walk her back straight to your bus, don’t worry.”

The girls reluctantly let left you with Semi while the rest of boys accompanied them. As the groups walked away they would occasionally turn their heads back to the two of you out of curiosity to see what was going to happen. You were known for having a laid back attitude but stepping up and becoming assertive if need be in less than a second. Semi was typically pretty patient with you but it’s best to be careful since he has a shorter fuse.

“Hi,” Semi started awkwardly once his everyone was out of sight.

“Hey,” you responded in the same tone.

“Wanna go sit on that bench? Also, how’ve you been?”

“Yeah, and I’ve been good. You?”

He started walking across the street after looking both ways. “I’m doing great. How’s Tendou? Congrats on your marriage, by the way.”

“Marriage?” You asked confused.

“Didn’t you and Tendou get married and have a honeymoon in France?”

You let out a laugh before responding. “Tendou and I have been broken up for like three years now dude. I’ve never gone to France with Tendou, he went for his career and now lives there. I’ve only gone if it was for touring. Where’d you get that idea from?” You asked, gradually laughing harder resulting in Semi feeling relief. Half of it being that you might be single and the other part being that the laughing is a good sign that you’re willing to humor him.

“I saw he posted pictures of himself with the Eiffel Tower and stuff so I just assumed,” he chuckled along.

“Yeah but wouldn’t it make sense if I was in those pictures with him? I probably would’ve posted a picture of my ring too.”

“You know I follow you still?”

“Yeah, I pay attention to my notifications sometimes. I’ll be honest though, I did unfollow you.”

“Understandable,” Semi sighed.

You both went quiet after that, getting comfortable on the metal bench. Taking note of his expression, you took the lead for conversation. “What was it you wanted to talk about?”

“Oh uh, I wanted to apologize,” he responded, grateful for the dim lighting so his blush wouldn’t be super noticeable.

“Well, I’m listening,” you said before crossing your arms in a playful manor.

“I’m sorry for calling you a bitch. I’m sorry for raising my voice at you. I’m sorry for saying all that petty shit and hurting you. I’m sorry for all the pain I gave you. You know that saying that’s like ‘you don’t know what you have until you lose it?’ Well I lost you, and that was my biggest regret. All these years-“

“Semi, you can stop-“ you interrupted not expecting him to go on a full on rant for an apology. You were fine with a simple ‘I’m sorry’. Never would you have expected the ash blonde to list out every thing he did wrong. It was high school, that’s when mistakes are meant to be made because you learn from them. After walking the earth for twenty four years, you couldn’t give less of a shit about the things that happened. You grew up, you were over it, you have other things to focus on than hold onto a grudge because someone hurt you.

“Let me finish. Please. All these years I never tried to reach out to you because I think you made it clear that you didn’t want to speak to me and I respect that but oh my god I’m so proud of you. You’ve accomplished so much. You’ve traveled around the world, living your dream. I know we may have ended on bad terms but I have never, not once, ever wished for your life to take a turn for the worst. I’m genuinely so happy for you. I’m just so, so, sor- What? Why are you crying? I’m the one apologizing!” he asked, raising his hands to wipe your tears.

While listening to him all you could think about was how guilty you felt. “Because I’m sorry,” You answered, grabbing his wrists to pull them away from your face so you could wipe your own tears. “I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m sorry for not reaching out either. I’m sorry for almost starting a physical fight with you.” You were letting all your frustrations out at this point from all the emotions you had built up inside you. While you had to admit you were upset with him, you were the one that started it. “I shouldn’t have said what I said the night of the talent show. I should’ve told you the truth. I started this. I’m the one at fault.”

“Y/n...” Semi wrapped his arms around your back, using one hand to guide your face into his chest to help you calm down. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” His voice was soft, different compared to the way he was speaking before. His task at hand was just to focus on you. “I missed you,” he spoke.

“I hmff ugh oo,” you responded, head still buried in his chest.

“What?”

You pulled away from him and straightened your back. “I said I missed you too.” You took a couple seconds to look at him. He looked almost exactly the same as he did back then. The only differences you could tell were that his hair was longer and he looked more mature, maybe a little buffer. It was somewhat comforting. “I don’t get it. I told myself I should hate you after all that happened but I could never bring myself to accept it. It’s weird that we’re talking with little difficulty right now to each other.”

“Little difficulty? I’m not gonna lie, my heart is beating so fast right now. I was so nervous to even hand you my phone at the table,” Semi laughed, eyes not looking away from your form laughing into your hand. “I don’t get it either though. I honestly thought you were gonna hate me and yell at me like, do you really forgive me?”

“How do I say this?” You asked yourself before taking a deep breath to answer his question. “After graduating and experiencing the real world, I realized I don’t need to focus on high school bullshit. We were so young-“

“Now you’re making me feel old.”

“Shut up! We were just teens. Now we’re adults, ya know? With bills to pay and actual responsibility. I’d rather focus on me, myself now than what happened in high school. Am I gonna forget it? No, it helped build the person I am now. Can I forgive? I may be a petty bitch and say I don’t wanna but what’s that gonna do for me? Nothing so I might as well.” After giving your long explanation you looked at him again and took in his features, old happy memories flooding back to you.

“Do you think we start over?” Semi asked hopefully.

“Yeah.”

“Hey, I’m Semi Eita. I play in a band and I’m a bit of an asshole sometimes. What’s your name?”

“I’m L/n Y/n and I also play in a band and can sometimes be a bitch,” you responded with a laugh.

“It’s nice to meet you. Can I walk you to where you need to be?” he asked, getting up and putting his hand out to help you up.

“Sure, that’d be really nice.”

After he helped you up, you started walking towards your bus with Semi walking right next to you. “Hey I’m actually playing a show tomorrow night, you should check us out!”

“No way, what time?” You asked deciding to play along.

“Like seven but you know how it goes, it’ll probably be more like seven-fifteen.”

“Ugh that’s annoying. Can you come to mine? I think I play at like eight.”

“Sure, dude. Anything for my bestie.”

“Aight I’m done. Bestie is too far, dude.”

“What! I can’t call you my bestie even though we just reunited six years after not seeing each other?”

“Correct. We can be ‘friends’,” you said, using your fingers to put air quotes, “but honestly I’m still on edge. Like after we went our separate ways it was hard for me to reconnect with people because it hurt when we ended things. I don’t wanna go through that again.”

Semi sighed, “I get that. Sorry again. I promise I won’t do that again.”

“It’s okay. And you better. Or else we’re really throwing hands,” you teased.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah!”

“Don’t make me go all WWE on you!”

“Oh my god Semi, is that a threat?”

“Y/n!” Izumi yelled which made you focus on your tour bus. The girls had each opened a window to stick their head out of and wait for your arrival.

“Are you okay?” Haruka asked.

“Do you want back up?” Yui followed up.

“I’m joking, Yui,” Semi said, putting his hands up in defense.

“You better, or else I’m gonna be the one fighting for y/n,” Haruka warned with a glare.

“I guess this is goodnight, Semi. You don’t want to throw hands with Haruka, she’s pretty buff. Thanks again. See you around,” you said as you waved him goodbye and hopped on the bus.

“See ya,” Semi responded. He turned around and threw his head upwards to the night sky and let out a sigh before walking to his bus.

Yui with her head still out of the window took notice of how Semi relaxed after you left him. “Hey, girly,” she started, getting up from her spot after closing the window. “You okay? How’d it go?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. It actually went surprisingly well.”

“That’s good news!” Izumi cheered.

“So are you friends again?” Haruka asked.

“Hmm, I guess so? We’re basically just starting over.”

“This tour is gonna be interesting,” Yui finished.

Getting back onto his bus, Semi immediately felt three pairs of eyes glued on him. Jiro set his Nintendo switch down while Subaru put his phone on his lap and Ranmaru stood up.

“We’ve been expecting you,” Ranmaru started with a straight face.

“Yeah!” Jiro added only to be shushed by Subaru.

“Well... good news?” Semi responded, not knowing what to make of the way his band mates were acting.

“Go on...” Subaru said, this time being shushed by Jiro.

“First, I’m gonna be a guest vocal for One Ok Rock with Y/n during their last song. Second, I told Y/n everything I needed to say. We’re friends again. We’re all good,” Semi said with a smile.

Ranmaru took a few steps closer to Semi before lovingly slapping his back. “Proud of you, bro.”

“Woooo! Go Eita!” Jiro jumped up to hype up his bandmate.

“Awesome!” Subaru finished. “Happy for you man. Now, I hate to be the mom here, but we should get to bed. Tomorrow’s gonna be a long day.”

“Good job guys!” Taka said, patting both of your backs.

“Thank you! Is there anything you want us to change?” You asked.

“Hmm, nah. I know most people say practice makes perfect but I think as the tour goes on we’ll improve the performance each night.”

“Sounds good,” Semi said.

“Can I give some feedback?” You asked. Taka and Semi both gave you a nod to go on. “You,” you pointed to Semi, “are being so stiff. It’s your first tour in the US. Loosen up! I’ll be blunt, if how to act now is how you’re gonna act during your set, which is the first one, you’re not gonna grab anyone’s attention. The majority of the crowd probably haven’t even heard of your band. You gotta draw them in.”

“I have to agree with her,” Taka joined in.

Semi grew wide eyed and turned a little red. You were about to speak up again but he beat you to it. “Sorry, I think I’m just nervous. This is all new to me,” he said, bringing a hand up to the back of his head.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to sound harsh! I just want you guys to grow. Being on tour right now is a big honor so I want you to get the most you can out of it. And-“

And you were rambling. Same old Y/n, Semi thought to himself, letting you ramble while he had a small smirk on his face, amused by the words you were speaking.

“Just perform how you would back then! I think if you brought that energy you’d really get a lot of people hooked!”

“Ya think so?”

“I know so. Can we try again but exaggerate our movements? This dude has to shape up.”

“I’ve heard so many stories about you mentoring the smaller bands, it’s nice to see that you live up to them,” Taka smiled.

“Thank you,” you responded with a blush. “Now Semi, follow our lead. And don’t let us down tonight.”

Taglist: @pluviophilefangirl @yourstarvic @sunaswife @mynscorner @syaziahvg @discountkiyoko

[machine-gun-casie]

Dirty Thirty

based on ‘if the world was ending’ by j.p. saxe and the events on colson’s birthday.

wc: 700

The shaking glass of water is what alerted him at first. He couldn't hear the rumble over the music he was blasting. Colson turned it down to focus and realised the whole room was shaking.Rook came running into the room. “Is the house shaking or is it just me?”

“It’s an earthquake.” Colson said, picking up the glass before it might spill. “You good?”

“Yeah, you?”

“I’m fine, it’s not that bad.” As soon as Colson finished his sentence, the earthquake seemed to come to a stop. “I think it stopped.”

“Holy shit, that was crazy.” Rook said. “You coming? We’re having birthday shots and you’re the birthday boy.”

“Yeah, I just need to make a call.”

Rook nodded and walked towards the door. “Don’t take long.” He called out behind him.

Colson took his phone out of pocket and went to look through his contacts. He tried to hide it but everyone knew he still had your number. He could never bring himself to delete it, he just couldn’t.

His thumb shook as he clicked on your name, hoping you didn’t block his number. The phone rang only once before you picked up.

“Hello?”

His breath hitched in his throat when he heard your voice. He stuttered as he blurted the first thing that came to mind. “Hey, I didn’t think you’d pick up.”

“You really think I’d ignore you?” You asked, hurt evident in your tone.

Colson didn’t know how to respond to that. Did he think that? He wasn’t sure. “I wanted to check up on you. Did you feel that?”

“Yeah, I thought it was just me. Then the frames on the walls started shaking. Are you guys okay?”

“Yeah, it barely lasted a minute. But another one might come. You safe?”

“I’m under my desk.” Colson chuckled when you said that. Of course you were. You had always been terrified of natural disasters. “How did you know I was in L.A.?”

“You really ask like you don’t know?” He scoffed.

Neither of you unfollowed or blocked the other on social media after what happened. You both saw the likes and the views, you were both keeping tabs on each other and it was no secret. Not to your friends or either of you.

“You’re right, sorry.” You sighed and shook your head. “Shit, I forgot. Happy birthday.”

“You don’t have to-”

“No, don’t say that. It’s dirty thirty.” You chuckled. “We had so many plans, remember?”

“Yeah.” Colson sighed as he recalled all the early morning phone calls and late night talks. “You said you were gonna give me-”

Before he could finish his sentence, the rumbling started again. You whimpered and grabbed onto the desk leg closest to your free hand. “Fuck Colson, I’m scared.”

Colson knew you hated California because of this. You just happened to be stuck here at the wrong time. Your fear of natural disasters was something you were so insecure of, but you were never afraid to share your insecurities with Colson. 

“It��s alright. You’re gonna be fine. You just stay under that desk, alright?”

“Can I please come over tonight?” You blurted out as soon as the rumbling stopped.

“What?”

“Please? I’m alone out here and-”

“You don’t have to explain.” Colson stopped you, voice soft and comforting. “You’re always welcome here, you know that.”

“Thank you.” You sighed in relief. “I really missed you, Colson.”

Colson felt his heart race at your words. He didn’t know he needed to hear that. He had tried burying his own longing for you ever since your relationship had fallen apart. If he had known you felt the same way this whole time, he would have done things so differently. But at the same time, he did know that you felt the same. The whole situation was so complicated, even to himself.

“I really missed you too, y/n.”

“Kells! Come on!” Colson heard someone calling for him from downstairs.

“They’re doing birthday shots.” He chuckled.

“Don’t leave ‘em waiting, birthday boy. Enjoy yourself, old man.” You smiled. “And take one for me while you’re at it.”

“Nah, you can take it yourself tonight. Don’t flake on me.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

[kiefbowl]

ew why tf are you dating a scrote

okay this is clearly a troll, but I’ll answer anyway since this seems to be a topic of interest to people lately. I wrote a lot and talked about sexual assault, so go ahead and skip it if that’s not your jam. disclaimer: I don’t have a problem or think there’s anything wrong with people who don’t want to follow me bc of the bf. that’s legitimate! please do what suits you. I think some of my responses have been perceived as snarky in the past but I only try to be snarky when I suspect a troll, I really don’t have a problem with people unfollowing me b/c of the bf or even telling me about it.

I worked with Malcolm for about a year and a half before we go together, but we got together for the first time 5 months after I had a brief but intense love affair with a meth addict that ended in big traumatic ways after he started using heavily again, which eventually cultivated in him raping me (not that it was the only sexual violence I experienced with him but that time was particularly horrific because I was heartbroken and he was high on meth). he was also a man, and the reason I started dating him isn’t so clear to me except that I was looking for a way to live recklessly and self harm. There’s a longer story there but the details can’t be told concisely and it’s no one’s business. In any case, everything that happened with him is not worth recounting, but it was long and complicated and continued even after the rape. To give some context about how bad it was, I also had worked with the meth addict (I’m not using his name on purpose), and part way through our relationship he got a new job. a couple weeks after the rape, he lost that job and got his old job back. yeah, imagine being dumped by a meth addict and the being raped by him and then he starts working with you when you know he is using now. not fun, pretty sad to think about.

I was in a very traumatized state for months. It’s hard to describe what it’s like, except you don’t feel like you’re living. You can feel very foreign to your own life. I felt like something inside of me was constantly pressing against me to get out, and if it did it would be me screaming. Like, my skin had become a suit to mask the babbling lunatic underneath. I would have random outbursts where I would wince in pain and people would ask what was up and it was just that the emotional pain was felt so sharply it became physical, but I felt like I couldn’t be honest with people. I did go to therapy, it felt like life and death. right around the time before Malcolm and I together, so a few months into therapy, my therapist gave me permission to feel okay seeking out love, sex, and relationships, because I was feeling very guilty that I might be using someone if I did. In any case, Malcolm showed up to my bday party, and was one of the last to leave, and I just was ready for the next thing after the meth addict bf. Every day I didn’t have sex, the last person I had sex with was him. I wanted to be normal again. I was feeling a little better, less freakish, but still so sad. So I said, okay Malcolm, come home with me and he did. It didn’t seem so bad to take Malcolm home with me because I wasn’t very interested in him long term, so it seemed like low stakes to end up hurting him. Low investment. Yadda yadda.

Malcolm was also convenient, he lived walking distance. he was nice, friendly, easy to hang out with. our emotional intimacy was very low, it was low low low low maintenance dating. Malcolm felt very safe, he was the polar opposite of the other bf. we had a casual, boring, unintimidating fling for a few months that sputtered out. if the other bf was like riding a roller coaster that was condemned, Malcolm was like taking a nap on the bus back home after a long exhausting day at the amusement park. I know, it’s not very sexy. But it was nice to feel like a human again, have proof I could be normal, proof I could do unsexy things like watch tv and go to brunch and it didn’t feel like I was a freak for trying after months of feeling like I had a neon sign over my head that said “idiot adult woman dated meth addict like it wasn’t going to end up fucking her over HA HA.” I was ready to go out with my new sense of normalcy and have fun with people I might be, er, to be blunt, more interested in.

BUT the most amazing thing was we stayed friends after the break up, which I had never had before. and even though the first few months of dating helped me feel normal again in a way, it turns out being raped by your meth addict ex leaves deep, painful welts. who could guess. Seeking out other relationships from scratch ended up being exhausting. When do I bring up that I’m not even a year from a meth addict raping me? Date two? I tried with other people, and it wasn’t working. I dropped dating, and focused on friends and work instead. But I missed him some days, and as things around me were starting to feel like they were crumbling again, he was there and around. He came over, smoked weed, taught me MTG, let me make him dinner, took me out to bars, listened to me cry, had gentle sex. Soon we were seeing and talking to each other every day. We spent enough time together that it became clear we were dating again, and this time around it was more enjoyable and more intimate. It felt easier to invest in our relationship the second time around because he already knew the baggage. We started dating and eventually, out of the sake of convenience, moved in together. 

But if it makes you feel any better, anon who is probably not reading this, the state of my relationship is not great atm. It feels like we’re very good friends that share a bed. I always had doubts about this relationship from the beginning, I was never really crazy about Malcolm and was tentative about being exclusive. I rationalized the relationship with thoughts like “you don’t know until you try” and “maybe this love is different love, and it doesn’t feel like previous love because I still need to learn more about love.” I don’t think that’s quite it anymore. But, we live together in an unpredicted pandemic, so I sort of made my bed. Plus, it’s hard to decide to break up with someone who isn’t bad just maybe not good enough. Maybe it’s my fault? some days I wake up and think, “oh well am I really giving him 100%? if I tried harder maybe it would be better.” Maybe it’ll get better? What’s life post pandemic and when is it coming, I can’t know. I’ve been depressed, will I get better? Will it change things? I also adore his parents, they’ve been amazing to me, they inspire me. they’ve opened their hearts to me. losing them weighs heavy. I love Malcom very much, he’s been a good friend and we’ve built a nice little life together that has a lot of parts working. How do you decide what day to hurt someone you love? Idk...I guess I entered this relationship to learn.

The Meth Addict has loomed large in our relationship and casts a long shadow. I’ve talked about it with Malcolm but I’m not sure he fully understands it. almost 3 years since my birthday we hooked up. That’s a long time. It’s as long as the relationship I had with my first love. I can’t predict the full story Malcolm and I will have, but I can see a potential break up looming closer. I struggle with it every day. Some nights, like tonight, it’s seems pretty clear cut. If I think this way now it pretty much proves I want to break up, right? But tomorrow morning he’ll make me tea and we’ll talk about our weekend plans and I’ll think “oh this is so nice, what was I even thinking about last night? I’m getting in my own head.” So I don’t know! I think about women a lot. I think about how I talk frankly about my bisexuality on tumblr and yet my experiences with men outnumber that with women. I feel like I’m cheating sometimes, like I’ve lead you guys to believe something that’s not real even though I’m not lying. I think about how I never want to cheat on Malcolm but I get crushes and I want to sleep with women and I wonder if I should be a mom and I think about his parents and it gets confusing. I feel guilty about thinking about our convenience because that’s cheating him and cheating me, but sometimes I wake up happy and much happier than I’ve been in 10 years.

So I guess the reason I’m dating a scrote is because I’m complicated and have a bit of a messy life, and I live day to day, and we make micro choices that lead to macro choices and then we make macro choices that lead to micro choices, and I haven’t pulled the trigger on breaking up with him yet. He was part of the healing journey because, well, he was here. In my real life. It turns out the women we follow on tumblr are very very human with lives far more complex that can be summed up in a few posts on tumblr. Maybe ask me in 50 years why I dated Malcolm, I’ll probably have a better idea why.