#i feel like it was brought up in a scene with clayton

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

y’all who act like monica ruined frank are so annoying for SEVERAL reasons (especially because there’s more proof frank ruined monica) but y’all will NEVER acknowledge queenie and sammi. sammi was around six years older than fiona, and frank was younger when she was born, but he still ditched her. he knew she existed but still chose to be an absent piece of shit. also, he was an addict since he was young! if i can find an exact moment where this is stated, i’ll tell you all, but i distinctly remember hearing it multiple times and i know others did, too. just because frank did coke for the first time with monica does not mean she ruined him; ultimately, his alcoholism, mother, and narcissism are what ruined him- not that.

[starry-nights-17]

Just wanted to say Happy Christmas to you all and leave this here. A short festive story, set in the canon world but sort of AU (in that Ian is living with Clayton).

*Mickey breaks into the wrong house....but maybe it was the right house after all 🤔

(Some derogatory language ahead, not mine, all Mickey!)

----

Christmas was just around the corner, meaning Terry was working them harder than normal. And by work, he meant stealing. Breaking and entering.

Mickey was the perfect burglar. Quick, quiet and small enough to squeeze through tight windows. Tonight's target, a fancy West Side house, which featured a large expensive looking tree in the front room. At the base of it, was a pile of exquisitely wrapped presents. Jackpot.

Mickey jimmied open a window at the back of the house, expertly so, given the practice he had. He crept into the connecting living room, eyes darting around and ears on high alert.

Confident that the house was vacant, considering the car that was usually parked out front was gone, he started tossing the packages into a large holdall he brought with him.

"Mickey, what the fuck"

His blue eyes blinked into the darkness, until he eventually made out a shape and spotted familiar red hair and freckles. The Gallagher kid had moved away a year back. His sister Mandy had whined about missing her BFF for weeks, droning on about how he discovered his mom's affair and that the man who raised him wasn't his real dad.

He made a run for it but the kid grabbed his arm, "I can't let you take it Mickey, not all of it anyway".

His voice was soft, those green eyes even softer, an understanding there. Gallagher picked out a few packages and held them out to him.

"Your dad's an asshole".

Mickey felt his eyebrow pull up and his face scrunch up in confusion, "What's it to you, carrot top?"

Ian, that was the kids name, chuckled and took a step back, his face lit up in amusement.

"Just know what he's like, what will happen if you return empty handed. Just take them, I can replace them tomorrow".

"This a trick, you gonna call the cops on me or something?"

"Course not, South Siders don't snitch".

Mickey gestured around and caught Ian's eye, "in case you haven't noticed freckles, we ain't in the South Side".

"Whatever, I'm still fucking South Side Mickey and more than that; I'm still a Gallagher".

Mickey nodded slowly, feeling the kid was being genuine. "Well now I really can't take this shit", he sighed and dropped his bag, "fucking tainted or whatever".

Ian laughed again, a sweet and bright sort of sound that had Mickey's lips curving up at the corners. He didn't know why he was still standing there, hovering, loitering. And at the scene of a crime, although technically he hadn't stolen anything.

"You want a beer or some hot chocolate or something, Clayton, um I mean my Dad and his wife are out, won't be back for hours".

Mickey snorted out a laugh, "you fucking serious, you like retarded or something? I just tried to rob you and now you're offering me hot chocolate?"

Ian grinned and shrugged casually, "not like I haven't stolen shit before. I get it. I know you haven't exactly got a choice Mickey. And," he paused and looked away, almost shyly, "miss the South Side I guess, don't see my family as much as I'd like. Figured you could catch me up on shit, on Mandy".

"That annoying bitch," he joked, "she's still a pain in my ass and a huge slut. There, all caught up freckles".

He turned to leave, feeling awkward now and feeling his cheeks flush with colour as the goofy kid smiled confidently back at him. It was as though he actually liked Mickey's abrupt manner or some shit.

"C'mon Mick, I'll even toss in some marshmallows. I remember you have a sweet tooth".

Mickey raised his eyebrow in a question, "the fuck you know that?"

Ian laughed and started towards what he presumed was the kitchen, "you think I didn't know about all those snickers you swiped from the store?"

Before he registered it, he was walking forward, following him, as if he was a magnet being drawn in that direction.

"You fucking stalking me or something, watching me, kinda creepy man".

His tone was easier and lighter than intended. Shit, he almost sounded like he was dangerously close to flirting.

Ian cocked his head and studied his face for a second before replying, with a wide devilish grin.

"Kinda my job Mick, to keep my eyes on you".

Mickey tried to hide an emerging smile with his hand and was forced to look away, from that intense green gaze. His skin felt electrified and he was sure his cheeks were glowing.

"Well it's not anymore, guess you don't need a job since you moved up in the world".

Ian set a large mug down in front of him, complete with mini pink and white marshmallows floating on top.

"Not so sure I did," Ian paused and seemed thoughtful, "kinda miss it, working, earning money, even miss the fucking ghetto".

Ian laughed dryly and Mickey shook his head at him in disbelief.

"I just mean it's different here, fucking boring and like dad's just trying to make up for lost time so he never yells or says no. Its weird".

"Oh poor you, shit, you don't know how lucky you have it man. Complaining like a spoilt princess about being rich and living in a place like this, where you don't get a black eye every other day".

"You think I don't hear myself Mick. Course I know I sound like a prick. I just don't feel like I belong here. I don't fit in. I don't know how to live this fucking normal life".

"Well, I'd swap places with you any day," he muttered, blowing on the hot chocolate before talking a long satisfying sip. Damn, it tasted good, like proper expensive shit, not that crappy dollar store stuff that masqueraded as "chocolate".

"I'm sorry, I know I suck. I go to a great school and have everything I want. Meanwhile the rest of the Gallaghers are still living in that shithole, with fucking Frank".

"Actually, heard he's shacked up with some rich bitch over on the North Side. Never stops bragging about it in the Alibi".

Ian laughed and shook his head, "course he is. Frank always manages to land on his feet".

"Looks like you take after him in that respect Red, even if he's not your real dad or whatever. Suck it up, you got out. You can make something of yourself. Mandy always said you were smart, so don't waste that education. Go cure cancer or whatever the fuck".

Ian settled down, sitting opposite him, as they both smiled quietly around their mugs. The situation was weird but only in how it wasn't weird, not really. Mickey felt at ease, like he was naturally able to talk with Ian, his usual shyness not present.

"Not really a science geek, believe it or not," Ian joked, an attractive smile on his face again, "more of an English Lit geek".

"You mean like books and shit. Rather you than me pal".

"Wait, you can actually read, Mickey?"

Mickey sat up straight, ready to knock the fuckers teeth down his throat. That was, until he caught sight of Ian's cocky smirk. He flipped him off and felt a smirk of his own creeping up.

"Fucking comedian over here," he muttered, "course I fucking can, dickhead. Might be a Milkovich but doesn't mean I'm a dumb fuck".

"Never thought you were," Ian replied with a gentler smile now and a fondness in his eyes. "Always figured you were smart. And, funny too".

Ians eyes darted away, his lips lowered to the mug again, his cheeks faintly pink.

"Funnier than you anyway," he teased in return, "not that it'd be hard".

"I meant it, I want to help. Don't want you getting into trouble or whatever...with Terry".

Ians eyes appeared sincere and possibly full of concern too. Mickey was surprised, wondering how this kid, who was almost a stranger to him, was genuinely worried about him returning home empty handed.

Then again, he probably witnessed Mickey's battered and bruised face on numerous occasions. Perhaps at the Kash n Grab or at the Milkovich House when he hung out there with Mandy. Likely his sister confessed some harsh home truths to her BFF too. Fuck.

"Can't take your shit Gallagher. It's fine, I'll hit some other place up on the way home".

Ian rose to his feet, taking out his wallet, offering a wad of cash to him.

"The fuck," he stood and swatted his hand away in offence, "don't want your money either; not a fucking charity case. And just cos your whore of a mother fucked some rich prick doesn't make you better than me".

Ians face grew red with anger and he stepped forward, invading his space, "don't fucking talk about her like that Mickey. I know I'm not better than you, never fucking said I was. Just don't want you getting punched in the face, or worse, by that evil psychotic prick. Fuck me, for giving a shit".

Ian shoved him and Mickey shoved him back. Both of their chests heaved up and down, both clearly emotional.

"Shit, I shouldn't have said that about your mom; not like mine was much better. Not cool. I know she had fucking problems or whatever, " he thumbed his nose, stumbling on his words, "just don't like handouts alright, I can take care of myself".

Iam nodded and his expression softened further, "I know you can take care of yourself Mick. Just nice sometimes to let other people help. Not like I can't spare some cash. Please, just let me help, let me feel like all of this," he gestured around, "means something. If it means saving that pretty face from getting another pounding, then its worth it".

Mickey's eyebrow pulled up and a sharp breath left his mouth, "did you just call me fucking....pretty....think its you thats looking for a pounding pal".

Ian smirked and approached him, head cocked to the side, his voice lowered to a whisper.

"Generally I do the pounding...but I'm always open to trying new things".

As if Ian's bold words weren't having enough of a mind-blowing affect on his body, the asshole winked (actually winked) at him.

Mickey opened and closed his mouth like a fish, rendered utterly speechless. Not only was the kid gay but he was openly flirting with Mickey, implying shit; not just about himself but about Mickey too. The giant sized balls on Ian. He was pretty impressed though, considering Mickey could easily be kicking his ass right now. Talk about a risky move.

"I uh, better go"

He mumbled and pointed vaguely in the direction of the door, "Terry...you know...fucking schedules or whatever".

Ian chuckled and stepped forward again. His hand reached out, trailing down his chest; smoothing out the creases on his shirt, and then he was stuffing something in his pocket. Before Mickey could argue, Ian was shutting him up in the most unexpected and unsettling way. By pressing his warm lips against his.

Naturally his reaction was to push him away, which he attempted to do but Ian was stronger than he looked and held his hands at the wrists. Green eyes locked on his, questioning, searching. And somehow Mickey relaxed enough to nod up and down.

There was that predatory smirk again before those lips were on his once more, firmer now, with puprose and determination. But it was a brief and tame kiss, which he was grateful for. Because if Ian tried to take it further, put his hands on him or slipped him the tongue, he wasn't quite sure what would happen. Could end up in a fuck or a fight, Mickey wasn't certain. All that he was certain of, was that his skin was on fire, his heart was thumping wildly and he was breathing harshly.

"Think of it as an advance payment...or a loan," Ian said next, waking him from his haze.

"Huh?"

"You can repay me"

"How the fuck do you expect me to pay your pampered ass back. Piss poor here, remember".

Ian laughed, once again causing an unfamiliar flutter in his chest and Mickey smiled automatically upon hearing the pleasant sound.

"There's other ways to pay me back Mick," Ian replied with a cheeky grin.

"Fuck off, you think cos you kissed me I'm some sort of prostitute...I'm not even gay man".

He almost choked on the lie and judging by Ian's amused expression he wasn't buying it either.

"If you say so. Besides, that's not what I had in mind....but now that you mention it...."

Mickey scratched his eyebrow and flipped him off, barely containing a smile.

"Fine. No sexual favours, got it, " Ian joked, his hands held up in the air, "I just meant you can pay me back by maybe hanging out with me once it a while, that's all".

"You just want me to hang out with you...and you'll basically pay me for it...the fuck is wrong with you man?".

Ian cackled and shook his head, "nothings wrong with me. I just fucking like you or whatever and I already told you; the moneys insurance, protecting that pretty face of yours".

Mickey's middle finger was raised once more while his face was busy heating up, "ok fuck, fine, i'll take the cash. But not promising you anything. You're fucking weird man, not sure how much more of you I can handle".

Ian's face lit up and he cocked his head in that boyish, mischievous way again, "pretty sure you can handle a lot Mick," he paused and hummed, "hopefully".

"The fuck," he whispered, the word coming out in a shuddery breath. "I'm outta here. Good luck with being rich now or whatever".

He waved at him, clumsily and awkwardly, before swiftly heading towards the door.

"Don't be a stranger Mickey".

He didn't even need to turn around to recognise the grin that cocky redhead was undoubtedly sporting. Ian Gallagher. Of all the houses. Of all the situations. This night had not turned out like he had expected. He paused at the door, his fingertip tracing over his bottom lip, somehow still feeling Ian's lips there. Fuck. Mickey already knew it. He needed to kiss him again.

"Whatever. See ya later, firecrotch".

❤🎁🎄🌈

[cailinsblog]

Puppy Love in the Snow-Clayton Keller

Clayton Keller x reader

Masterlist

The first snow of the season had come overnight, transforming the quiet Arizona neighborhood into a winter wonderland. Snow blanketed the streets, rooftops, and trees, making the world look like a scene from a holiday postcard. The air was crisp, and the early morning sun glistened on the fresh powder.

Clayton Keller and his girlfriend, Y/N, stood by the front door of their cozy home, bundling up in layers. Today wasn’t just about enjoying the snow—it was about making memories with their new addition to the family: a golden retriever puppy named Sammy.

Sammy was a ball of energy and fluff, his soft golden fur standing out against the stark white snow. He bounced excitedly at their feet, his tail wagging furiously as he pawed at the snow piled up on the porch. His little puppy barks echoed in the stillness, filled with pure joy and curiosity.

Clayton chuckled as he pulled on his gloves, watching Sammy attempt to bite a snowflake. “I think he loves the snow more than we do,” he said, his voice filled with warmth.

Y/N laughed, her cheeks already rosy from the cold. “I think you’re right. He’s been waiting for this moment since the day we brought him home.” She crouched down, gently ruffling Sammy’s ears. “Ready to go on your first snow adventure, buddy?”

Sammy responded with an enthusiastic bark, his little body wriggling with excitement. Clayton reached down, clipping the leash onto Sammy’s collar. “Alright, let’s hit the trail,” he said, holding out a hand for Y/N.

She slipped her gloved hand into his, and together, the three of them set off into the snowy wonderland.

The neighborhood was quiet, with only a few other brave souls venturing out into the cold. The snow crunched beneath their boots as they walked along the tree-lined path that led to the nearby park. Sammy trotted happily beside them, his tiny paws leaving a trail of prints in the fresh snow.

Every few steps, Sammy would stop to investigate something—a twig poking out of the snow, a bird fluttering in a tree, or just a particularly interesting patch of snow. He’d pounce on it, his little legs flailing as he tried to dig or chase whatever caught his attention.

Clayton couldn’t stop smiling as he watched their puppy explore. “He’s got so much energy,” he said, squeezing Y/N’s hand. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this excited.”

Y/N nodded, her heart melting at the sight of Sammy’s playful antics. “It’s like he’s discovered a whole new world. Look at him—he’s so happy.”

At one point, Sammy decided that Y/N’s boots were the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen. He pounced on her feet, barking and wagging his tail as if inviting her to play. Y/N laughed, bending down to scoop him up into her arms.

“Sammy, you silly pup,” she said, cradling him against her chest. His warm little body contrasted with the cold air, and his soft fur brushed against her cheek. “You’re already the highlight of this walk.”

Clayton leaned in, gently kissing Y/N’s temple. “I think he’s got some competition,” he teased. “You’re pretty good company yourself.”

Y/N smiled, her heart swelling with happiness. “Well, I think we make a pretty great team—all three of us.”

As they reached the park, they let Sammy off his leash in the designated dog area. The puppy immediately took off, bounding through the snow like a little golden blur. He chased after snowballs that Clayton tossed, his joyful barks filling the air as he leaped and twirled in the snow.

Y/N pulled out her phone, capturing videos and photos of Sammy’s playful antics. “We’re going to have so many memories from today,” she said, her voice filled with warmth.

Clayton came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist as they watched Sammy play. “I wouldn’t want to spend this day with anyone else,” he said softly, resting his chin on her shoulder.

Y/N leaned into him, feeling the steady rhythm of his heartbeat against her back. “Me neither,” she whispered. “This is perfect.”

They stood there for a while, wrapped in each other’s warmth, as the snow continued to fall gently around them. Sammy eventually tired himself out and trotted back to them, his tongue hanging out and his eyes sparkling with happiness.

Clayton knelt down, scooping Sammy into his arms. “Alright, buddy. You ready to head back home?” Sammy licked Clayton’s cheek in response, making him laugh. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

As they walked back, Sammy nestled comfortably in Clayton’s arms, his little head resting against Clayton’s chest. Y/N reached over, stroking Sammy’s fur gently. “He’s going to sleep like a rock tonight,” she said with a smile.

“Same,” Clayton replied, grinning. “But first, we’re making hot chocolate when we get home.”

“And cuddling on the couch with Sammy,” Y/N added.

“Absolutely,” Clayton agreed. “Best way to end a snowy day.”

By the time they reached their house, the snow was beginning to taper off, and the sky had taken on a soft, golden hue. Inside, the warmth of their home greeted them like a comforting hug. Clayton set Sammy down on his little dog bed, and within moments, the puppy was fast asleep, his tiny body rising and falling with each peaceful breath.

Clayton and Y/N curled up on the couch, wrapped in a soft blanket, their mugs of hot chocolate steaming in their hands. They watched the snow continue to fall outside, their hearts full of love and contentment.

“Today was perfect,” Y/N said softly, leaning her head against Clayton’s shoulder.

Clayton smiled, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead. “Every day with you and Sammy is perfect,” he said. “I can’t wait for all the adventures we’re going to have together.”

And as they sat there, with their little family complete, they knew that this was just the beginning of a lifetime of love, laughter, and snowy memories.

[randomalistic]

my favorite moment in Tarzan (1999) was when he said this line... (sniff) his delivery in that scene was incredible....

SOLID MOVIE honestly, with a few really exceptional moments and jaw dropping animation. (tumblr cant handle this gif so here's a still image of said animation.)

THE CONTINUOUS MOVING SHOTS WHERE HE SLIDES THROUGH THE TREES ARE PHENOMENAL TO MY EYES. It also has a very strong musical identity, although it peaks in the first 20-30 minutes. The plot is sort of predictable and generic after that, which isn't a BAD THING... It just goes from like. A tier to B tier. (this is the only rating system my brain understands anymore.) But yeah! It's a decent movie all around.👍

but omfg the scenes of Tarzan with his adoptive mother Kala (who already lost her own son...) made me cry on two separate occasions. I was getting disability allegory vibes from it, like "people may treat you differently, and you may feel like something is wrong with you, but you are alive just like me and you will always be worthy of my unconditional love." i just need a second ok

(this scene can't be summed up in pictures) Part of me wishes this movie put more focus on her in the later half because she was easily the strongest character, but it wanted to do the Jane romance thing. (But i will say the scene where they touched hands had great parallels to this moment with his mother)

This scene was also exceptional (this is where i cried the second time.) Although Kala obviously should've told Tarzan he was human much sooner, I don't think she could bring herself to because she was afraid of losing another son. She is genuinely such an interesting character with so much inner conflict, probably equal to/if not more than Tarzan himself. I wish they spent a little more time on her struggles along with his.

Full picture it's reminiscent of the jungle book in a way, except this movie chose the route of "The Wild Boy Stay In the Junjle AND THIS TIME THE LOVE INTEREST STAYS WIRTH HIM because THE APE LIFE CHOSE HER and shes also a bit freaky like that" My favorite part was when there was birds.

It was also fun to see Clayton's gruesome death in full outside of Top 10 Darkest Disney Villain Death compilations by WatchMojo. I love how he brought it upon himself... which is often the pattern with these but damn it does not get old. It being just his shadow is not only clever censorship but it makes it all the more chilling. Reminds me of that Luigi's Mansion glitch everyone freaked out about lol

anyeays yeah goofy best friend with a boston accent and silly elephant had a bit more screentime than I was Desiring but a disney movie's gotta have its comedic relief I GUES. although i did like them a little. JUST LESS COMPELLING.

[hernakedmuse]

Speaking in Tongues

Preface

Synopsis: Timothée is enamored with a woman he has never met, now will he get the chance?

Warnings: Description of body and sexual fantasy. Not proofread.

Timothée's POV

November 2021

I couldn't believe someone was holding a premiere at Houdini's mansion.

Hollywood never ceases to amaze me, I know being a New Yorker everyone expects me to rag on L.A. but I gotta say, I absolutely love this glittery wilderness. Everyone is free here, weirdness doesn't exist, it's the regular, and there was a little European liberation here.

I was invited to the premiere of James Franco's remake on the 80s cult classic Spellbinder, his was called Spellbound, and it starred my good friend Tom Holland as the straight edge, white collar L.A. attorney, Matt Hayes, Austin Butler played the seemingly good but betraying warlock friend, Dan Clayton, and playing the evil seducing lead on the cover Miranda Every, was my current obsession, Minka Farrah.

I remember seeing her for the first time.It was two years ago at Lily's, we put on a movie before getting intimate, she was the one who raved about this young edgy actress who only does indies, with no connection into the entertainment business at all. The movie was Poison, Joel Schumacher's thriller rendition of Snow White. Set in the New York 90s supermodel scene, Minka plays Nieve Bianco, who's a rising star in the modeling world. Her unique beauty and large breasts bring controversy in the current trend of heroin chic, it shows Nieve struggling with body image and battling bulimia, Lily told me Minka had to lose 90 pounds for the film and she said it messed with her mental state badly since her usual body is curvy. I felt protective of her when hearing that, and wanted to have at it with the director even though his intention was to expose the dangers of the modeling world. Minka's character Nieve, had a rival two years older, Reina Reyes, played by Ana de Armas,  who Nieve usurped as the supermodel of the world. Nieve even caught the eye and heart of Reina's ex girlfriend who left Reina because she was too obsessed with her vanity and career, a butch fashion photographer, Schuyler "Sky" van Axel played by Ruby Rose. So obsessed with her rivalry with Nieve, Reina throughout the movie tries to kill Nieve in different ways but makes it convincingly look like it's one of Nieves many stalkers, even going as far as to give them a name, Malcolm McQueen. Sending pictures of Nieve of circled parts of her body claiming she has gained weight asking why she's turning into a porker, Nieve takes diet pills from Japan, her bulimia gets worse, Reina swapped Nieve's diet pills out with party drugs and fentanyl, Nieve even overdoses and Sky is afraid Nieve has a drug problem as well as an eating disorder, Nieve feel convinced she has a drug problem too but is doing to well in her career to leave for rehab so Sky promises to help her, thinking it's brought on by her stalker. Nieve is followed him one night from a party by one of the photographers, he tries to rape and stab her but he stops and sobs saying she's always been the only model who has been nice to him, Confessing that he's been having money problems due to his drug abuse, and Reina offered him a half a million to kill Nieve and make it look like she was raped and murdered by the made up stalker, he tells Nieve everything. Nieve is so afraid but she doesn't think anyone will believe her, she no longer cares about her career, she checks herself into a mental hospital thinking she will be safe there and if she gives up Sky and her career she will be safe from Reina. But her fans send her letters and praise, the designers donate the proceeds to foundations for eating disorders in Nieves name, Reina was livid of the outcome.

At the hospital she becomes close to her psychologist, Dr. Paul Dormer, played by Jason Patric, tells him about Reina and he has six nurses guard Nieve moving her room to the glass room. Meanwhile, Sky tries to make sense of Nieves mental recession, follows Reina and finds out everything and starts to collect evidence for the police. She finds out Reinas next plan and heads to the hospital, Reina disguises herself as a nurse and crushes up a bottle of sleeping pills putting it into Nieves apple sauce and has it taken to her room.

Sky gets there too late and they're pumping Nieves' stomach but she doesn't make it. Sky dropped video and written evidence of Reina to the cops and goes to kill Reina but the cops arrest Reina. The movie ends with Dr. Dormer and the six nurses at the funeral, they're renaming the hospital after her. Reina is at another mental hospital in a straight jacket crying and laughing that she won, she's the most beautiful woman alive.

The performance of Minka left me with so many feelings, after that movie I watched all of hers. She's so beautiful, 5'3 with the kind of wide hips that shift side to side distractingly, an hourglass figure and bouncy, juicy breasts, 36DDD, a soft little stomach, I wanted to bite every part of her and do explicit things to her curves. I had the living need to lick every part of her light olive skin that was a beautiful resort of her Black, Arabian, and Eastern European heritage. I wanted to see the look of overstimulated pleasure on her round, heart shaped face, her juicy, thick raspberry lips fall open as she tries to scream my name and Rapture but can't as I stretch her with my cock and have my tip pound into her spot.

I rewind the sex scenes in her movies over and over, my source of ejaculation, I tug hard on my cock watching her big violet eyes hood seductively as the screen siren she is. But after my release, when I'm lying in my sheets naked covered in my own cum and sweat instead of hers, I feel livid, colored in green jealousy of her co stars who touched her. When I found out she was in a relationship with Ruby Rose I was inconsolable. When I saw them on the red carpet together, Ruby's nose was buried in Minka's soft, blunt black bob cut. I wanted so badly to smell her.

Her interviews are my favorite. I took great care in learning about her. She lost her mother 24 from cancer, they were close and even mentioning made my lovely girl tear up. I wanted to choke that interviewer for being so insensitive and asking her about that difficult time, I wanted to run her a bath, lock her away from the world and bundle her up in my blankets.

She's from Woodland Park, New Jersey, her mother was from Poland, her dad is a teacher. They moved to Carmel-by-the-sea when she was in her senior year, she went to an all girls Catholic school. She hated school and she's bisexual. Her brother Stone is trans and he's her assistant, her other brother Jerzy is a pilot. Her favorite color is red. She's older than me by ten months and born on Elizabeth Taylor's birthday, who is her idol. She speaks Polish and is an animal activist as well as a queer activist, 80s punk and dark wave is her favorite music and when I found out she and Ruby ended and she bought a home in Beverly Hills, I bought one in Santa Monica.

It wasn't hard for me to get an invitation to the premiere of Spellbound, I know that sounds gross and cocky but for once I'm so grateful for my status.

I made sure to dress my best, begged my stylist to conjure up something eye-catching and revealing, to make me look as desirable as I could. Erin didn't disappoint. She clothed me in a halter like, sleeveless, waistcoat in white with a black collar, matching trousers almost made like formal joggers, and Chanel combat boots. To top it off, red was splattered on the design to look like blood, it was fitting for the film being premiered. The trousers were a little tight around the crotch area.

The mansion looked incredible, the main event was out in the gardens, thankfully heating lamps were everywhere, it was still chilly in November, even in L.A.. I ran into many familiar faces, sometimes I couldn't believe I was famous and that these amazing legends were talking to me.

Suddenly, I heard a musical laugh, it was giggly and scratchy and I fell in love all over again. I politely excused myself to find the source that I knew it belonged to. Standing in the center of the garden , posing with James Franco in an inappropriately tight, Morticia dress with a neckline that plunged to her navel was…her. Her Mia Wallace hair melted beautifully with the ebony of her dress and framed her picturesque face, she looked like she could be a film siren from the 1910s, her eyes were done in vamp flapper style, lips painted the color of deep cherry red that matched her embroidered gloves with occult imagery. My eyes kept slipping to her cleavage that was falling from her dress, almost, with curious eyes, you could nearly see her nipples.

Stirring occurred in my too well tailored trousers. I licked my lips and decided to bite the bullet and meet the woman of my dreams.

I don't know when but before I knew it, I was close enough to tower over her, close enough to hear her whispering to James that his special friend was looking jealous by the fountain, and close enough to smell the hypnotic sweet and dark scent of her perfume.  Before I lost my nerves I cleared my throat and spoke her name like a spell.

"Excuse me..."

@meetmyothersouls @sufferingstarlight

[crimsonandcloverwrites]

BHAH CHAPTER 12 IT'S TIME TO CRY

just wanna say, from the bottom of my heart, buzzy and roman I would die for you thank you for my LIFE

NOT NANS COTTAGE. maximum emotional damage hours right off the bat

god the hill house vibes jamie get out before this place tries to eat u

"Thought for the longest time that I’d never get either of you back.” bruh

Jamie fixing up her old bike for Mikey's birthday at the O'Mara's house. specifically designed in a lab to make me cry

"put out of its misery with a thousand blows to the head with a shovel" is so gruesome I read it like 3 times until I remembered that Jamie actually did that in the middle of some serious grieving jesus

mike calling jamie dani and mikey 'the family' hold on a minute man hold on a minute

dani and mikey snoozing together HOLD ON A MINUTE MAN HOLD ON A MINUTE

god jamie is such a softie this whole chapter is just her trying not to cry with how much she loves people (and is loved in return)

oh boy the eddie jamie showdown

oof my poor son boy

holy fuck this whole confrontation is intense

"After all, why bring home a haunting, a gutter rat from the wrong side of the tracks, half feral and half broken, when the golden boy was right there." how dare u use the title against me like this

"I was mad for her from the start." “We were her best friends. If you fell for her, then how could I not?" hooooooly feelings

jamie saying all this to eddie and not dani. lmao. lol. rofl, even.

grocery shopping together............. intimacy...........

"What if I want more?" Dani being able to ask that now is so important to me that's my baby she's doin so good!!!!!! letting herself love people!!!!!

dfgkjhfkjghfkjh Jackie my beloved

"Jamie made an explicit gesture with her hands" screaming this whole interaction is so fucking funnyyyyyy. in the GROCERY STORE. fucking commedians the both of u

Dani Clayton picking a car by colour and nothing else she's so relateable

horny in a car dealership lot so true! i mean jamie with these practical car skills is v hunky u are so right dani

DANI HAS HER OWN CAR AGAIN. FREEDOM HAS NEVER BEEN SO SEXY

they're so domestic ugh (affectionate)

"I WANT YOU TO WATCH" FKSDJFKJDFH YEEHAW

“I think it would’ve been nice learning with you.” is so soft excuse me while I get emosh in the middle of this sex scene

every day this fic gives me my horny rights *pray hands emoji*

fgkjdfhgkjhdfkjh Judy telling them to take some alone time she said go work out that sexual frustration u horny lesbians

“Just because I didn’t realise it, doesn’t mean I didn’t have romantic feelings.” awww

dangerous dani clayton!!!! she needs to focus on the road!!!!!

"“Jesus fucking Christ,” Jamie said." SAME GIRL

lmao holy shit I love these idiots

nan..... jamie..... ouch

mikey meeting Dani's dad........ gotta go sob for 45mins hang on

Jamie growing Nan's favourite flowers just for her...... the amount of Nan that's in Jamie makes my heart cry

this fic is so like, full of love and really sweet moments but I love that you infuse these little moments of horror imagery in a 'life can be good but we carry around so many ghosts of troubled pasts in us' kinda way. good soup

“You be good. I love you.” i am crying.

sdfjdhfgjdghfjg how is jamie in shock don't tell me u didn't already know u enormous idiot.

I LOVE THE WAY WOMEN LOVE

pls they're so fucking cuuuute

not 'with every piece of me left' ow my heart

i can't believe what them telling each other i love you is doing to me. the power of live laugh lesbians

oh my god Judy i love u

dfjkgdfkjghdfkj Dani dressed for maximum Jamie short-circuiting is my favourite nuclear weapon

Dani "smiling at her as if trying to hold it back" top 10 anime victories

Dani finally getting her horny art room fantasies sfkjghfkjghfkjg oh boy

“You could have brought me here.” I AM LOOKING AWAY THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. bold dani you will be the death of both of us

“I want to fuck you at home.” wholesome <3

whew I too need a cigarette rn Jackie

ooOOOOooooOo Eddie's got a girlfriend

oof poor eddie and dani though I hope they can be friends again one day they deserve it

jamie in full simp mode is so fun good for u babe

God these necklaces I'm obsessed with Dani wearing hers actually. and these two getting to go out together n be gay n in love in public!!!

jamie oh my god???!? horny rights

i am shaking like a chihuahua

“Surprise," sdfkjghdfkjghiudfhgiuerhgkjdhkjfg

"Jamie: suffering" FUCKIN SAME BRO

aww everyone singing happy birthday to the best girl!!! deserved!!! just as deserved as I'm sure the rest of this night is going to go lmao

DFGKJDFKHG ROBIN. doesn't miss a beat huh?? also i hear she's single can I get her number

jesus christ dani clayton I'm about to drive off the road and I'm not even behind a wheel

Jamie Taylor u are a stronger woman than I will ever be

“You wanna make out for a bit?” pls they're so cute

dfkgjkjdfkh princess. iconic

the "nice" that just left my mouth at Dani in lingerie who are u making me become

“I’ll be whatever the fuck you want me to be, love.” so true! me *handshake emoji* jamie

losing my got dang mind

i love that these two are so comfortable with each other it's so so so lovely to see after all the yearning bruh look at them go

“At my mercy.” i feel drunk. i need to go build a hammock

a thousand points to jamie taylor for being strapped and ready for anything and Dani for being outrageously bold and horny this whole scene was so iconic

oof Karen Clayton

Mikey seventeen the dancing queen? they grow up so fast

oof Dani bby getting into it with her. god she's so poisonous

NOT THE LETTERS

Jamie just patiently loving her while she works her way through this oh love

oh my god the box

dfgkjhdkjhgkjfh the mixtape. heart on your sleeve softie jamie taylor

wait was dani wearing Jamie's half dollar necklace earlier??? cute bastards

“They’ve always been yours.” JUST LIKE DANI'S HEART OH I AM SHATTERED

“You kept me here, remember?” This is like The Notebook level romance but better bc lesbians

and now I'm crying bc they get their happy ending. so much heartache but they still found their way back to each other

"My sweet Jamie" 😭😭😭😭

they just love each other so much how am I supposed to cope????????????

they way they've created this little family full of so much love after coming from broken homes and rough pasts makes me ache so much

sdfkjdfhkg god Jamie is such a tease lmao. have fun girls!

THESE PHOTOS!?!??! OH MY GOD

good for themmmmmm

loving the vast array of fucking we get in this chapter!!!! giving the people what they want (Jamie's |redacted| in Dani's--I am forcefully removed from the premises)

this is not the point but oh my god Jamie building Dani a bookshelf....... romance

Jamie providing Mikey with such a nurturing and stable environment that he excelled academically like this.... my boy..... my beloved Jamie. aaaaahhhhhhhhh.

also SO fond of Jamie Carson shenanigans more more more.

god but Jamie's so scared to let go of her not so baby brother. bigger AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

crying again bc I'm so close to the end and this fic is almost over :(

both of em having to talk to their boys dfkjhgkfj godspeed

genuinely not doing well Jamie and Mikey's relationship is so special and I'm so glad they found each other and they have each other and I can't cope!!! with all these emotions!!!!

EVERYONE COMING TOETHER TO EAT. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. THIS WONDERFUL WEIRD LITTLE FAMILY.

the kids all still fighting like they're teenagers though dgkjdfhkjhdg iconic

the simple intimacy of doing the dishes together....

ANOTHER MIXTAPE??? GIMME THE LINK. also that's cute as fuck love is stored in the carefully curated playlists

Jamie is her home..........

BITCH HOW AM I MEANT TO SAY GOODBYE TO THIS FIC. Ok I'm gonna go cry to Jamie's Mixtape (1993)

"if I loved you less I might be able to talk about it more" - me about this fic (however many words of silly waffling this post is doesn't count!!! I'm hiding the real feelings behind humour!!!!). but actually really sincerely genuinely buzzy and roman thank you so much for sharing this fic with us all and making us yearn and laugh and cry and fall in love with them all over again. unmatched.

[watching-pictures-move]

Put On Your Raincoats | Femmes de Sade (De Renzy, 1976)

As a roughie, this can probably be considered a pretty successful one in that the rape scenes are really unpleasant. Not necessarily in how rough they get (it's a sad sign of my viewing habits that I can concede I've seen worse without blinking an eye), but in the casting of the villain. Ken Turner, who plays "Rocky De Sade", towers over everybody else by at least a foot, sports a founding fathers haircut, has a voice that sounds like an angry southern Edward G. Robinson (I suspect some ADR was used) and just generally gives off bad vibes. The fact that he's so large means that the violence in these scenes feels extra cruel, to the point that I was actively put off even beyond the extent to which you're supposed to be repulsed by these things. I dunno, maybe if the guy had some charisma I would have probably appreciated this on its intended terms (think of the commitment George Payne brings to his roughie villains and you'll grasp the difference), but I just wanted this guy off the screen. Also, at one point he sucks his own dick, which I'm sure is a neat party trick, but I dunno how much I want autofellatio in my straight pornos. He also calls one of his victims Poochie, and okay, I laughed.

I think part of my disconnect was the weird tonal balance here. Turner gets out of prison and starts raping and roughing up hookers almost immediately, first by beating up his prison buddy Joey Silvera to rape the guy's girlfriend Abigail Clayton, which seems like a total dick move, given that Silvera and Clayton were nice enough to pick him up from jail. But Turner's rampage is interspersed with another plot involving John Leslie as a porn shop proprietor who likes to daydream. ("Are you back in the world of reality?") This provides an excuse to intersperse the rape scenes with more lighthearted fantasy scenes. These are slickly executed and pretty fun, with the highlight being a gangbang in a ship's engine room where the chugging machinery provides a nice rhythm, although I could have done without Leslie in yellowface after he fantasizes about some Japanese tourists. Also, the medical scene was a lot more palatable than I expected, although I was a bit weirded out at how readily the characters in the engine room were eating the slice of pizza the hooker brought them. Would you eat a slice of pizza served by somebody who just touched their privates? At least a hot dog is a suggestively shaped food. But pizza? No thanks. Apologies if I've ruined either food for anybody reading this. But what I'm getting at is that these scenes mesh uneasily with the uglier tone of the rape scenes. I suppose if you treat it like a buffet, there's a little something for everybody, although in light of the mixed tone and relative polish, I appreciate the commitment that Shaun Costello and Phil Prince bring to making their roughies grimy and unpleasant. For all their flaws, there's a clarity of vision in those I found missing here.

The climax involves a big ol' BDSM orgy that offers enough of those letters to earn the "De Sade" in the title, although the tone is pretty lighthearted for the most part. I normally find orgy scenes pretty dull, but the one here, despite being captured seemingly through coverage, is pretty diverting thanks to all the costumes and the sexual variety on display. (Highlights include an upside down lady and Candida Royalle in a medieval pillory stock getting pounded from the rear by a guy in a bulldog mask.) Anyway, this party turns out to be a revenge scheme orchestrated by Leslie to avenge the rape of his girlfriend and all the other girls, and Turner gets a gross and fluid-filled comeuppance, although the grossest thing that transpires is (thankfully) pretty obviously faked. To be perfectly honest, the mechanics of the trap don't seem like they could be pulled off in real life (at one point, everybody just abruptly stops fucking), but really what's annoying is that Leslie is the one masterminding the scheme instead of one of Turner's victims. If I can use this moment to recommend a roughie I like with relatively few reservations, Terri's Revenge!, on top of offering Terri Hall's off kilter charms and adding a tinge of camp and eccentricity to spice up the material, is nice enough to make the heroines proactive in seeking revenge against rapists, meaning that there's some genuine catharsis in the proceedings. Compared to how depressing the dynamics in these movies can be, it feels positively empowering. Give that one a look if you can stomach the genre. As for this, it is not without virtues, but is also very much Not For Me.

[pollyssecretlibrary]

“A Problem Princess”, by Anna Harrington

I read this book from NetGalley in exchange for a fair and honest review RELEASE DATE - Apr11, 2023 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

“Lords of the Armory” is a series about former soldiers of the Napoleonic wars who initially created a place of solace for ex combatants who didn’t know what to do with their lives after Waterloo but some of them, an elite of them, ended up under the employ of the Home secretary and now they work as spies or secret service to unveil and fight Scepter, a secret group of extremists who want to overthrow the status quo by killing the Prince Regent and the Prime Minister, Lord Liverpool. In this, the sixth book of the series, our hero is Clayton Elliot, one of the main leaders of the Armory who works as undersecretary for the Home Office. He had saved the lives of the Regent and Lord Liverpool in the previous book, and managed to cover the attempted assassination with a citizens riot, so no one nows why all of a sudden Prince George has given him the rank of general and why is he a favorite in the court. Everything has been kept a secret or covered since everyone who is in the known believe that Scepter are over and done with the demise of their leader. But Clayton has a feeling that another leader will rise and the band will regroup and try again.

Princess Cordelia of Monrovia is in England to be offered in marriage to one of the Royal dukes (Prince George’s brothers) to seal the relationship between her country and England. She feels like a swan in a gilded cage but she knows her duty and she has been brought up by her uncle, Crown Prince Ernest, to behave and do what must be done at all times. Her motivations aren’t entirely selfless, since she wants to do it for her people who, she is convinced, were betrayed by her late father, who was the Crown Prince before Albert and who died with his wife in an accident. There’s a welcome ceremony for the Prince and his niece at Carlton House and Clayton was invited, only to find himself protecting the princess from a false footman who threatened her life with a knife to the throat. From that moment, Prinny appoints Clayton as the responsible for the protection of the princess, but also from that moment, neither Clayton, nor Cordelia can take their eyes off each other. I wonder if Anna Harrington created Cordelia as an homage to my favorite Audrey Hepburn movie “Roman Holiday”. Her opening scene is a recreation of Princess Ana (Hepburn’s Character) bedroom scene, when she is told of all of the next day’s activities and she calls her daily routine “The program”. In that scene Ana opens a window and sees Rome at night, with its life, its music and its people enjoying the good weather, and she dreams of having at least one day of normalcy, one day in which she could have an ordinary woman’s life. Cordelia is just the same, only her adventure is much more dangerous than Ana’s because someone wants to kill her. Cordelia doesn’t think she has such an important role in anybody’s life, her only fate in life is to marry a royal duke and have children for England. If only for a moment… It’s Clayton who gives her just that. The normalcy, he treats her with respect and consideration but not in the way courtiers and admirers treat her but like a human being who feels and think and whose opinion is as valid as everyone else’s. For Clayton she is a magnificent woman, not ordinary at all because she’s so smart and brave and beautiful. She overcomes incidents and “accidents” with courage, not because she’s not terrified at all, but because he gives her strength and encouragement. He admires for who she is, and the more time they spend together the more he feels he is losing his heart for her. There’s a key moment when he has to decide if he would forget his personal mission of uncovering and destroying Scepter or give his life to protect her if necessary. I always thought that Clayton was a bit of a pain, but in this book he reveals himself to be a man of honor, duty and heart. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for her or to keep her safe, even if that means that he’ll be considered a traitor to the Crown. Once again Anna’s style of writing is incredibly direct and straight to the point. She gets you invested in her stories and characters by refusing to fall into lyricism or artifices. She doesn’t mince words but doesn’t use more than she needs to, she’s very precise but don’t get me wrong, she delivers every time. She compensates the lack of ingenuity or beauty by providing a good amount of angst and excitement. She’s not the spiciest writer that I have ever read but she treats these few moments with care and delicacy. Her books are full of action and intrigue yet the moments of intimacy are full of vibrant emotion. She knows how to engage her readers and she does that masterfully. Honestly I had a lot of fun reading this book.

[ilyasorokinn]

For the Clayton one could you maybe write something about being introduced to the team and his family at the same time like and maybe the wags had not nice things to say about you so you’re nervous

MEAN GIRLS CLUB

i'm dedicating this to @samsteel because you, miss girl, have gotten everyone to hop onto the clayton train. love you lots ari ❤️ also, i'm gonna put random names because i just don’t think that any significant other on this team are evil or mean. thanks :)

you and clayton had been dating for a few months but had yet to meet both his team and his family. he had already met your friends and family, but you were just a bit more apprehensive about meeting his side. 

after months and months of him begging, you finally agreed to go to one of his games. and since his family was in town, he decided to invite them. it was the perfect opportunity. 

the day of the game, you were a ball of nerves. you had already met his family since they were staying with you. they were kind, and it made you feel slightly at ease. 

you decided not to sit with the other players' significant other’s, and decided instead to sit with clayton’s parents. 

after the game, the three of you made your way down to the tunnel where all the other partners were gathered. they all greeted Clayton’s parents and introduced themselves to you.

they were all nice and had warm smiles which put you at ease. you soon forgot the reason you were so nervous to meet them in the first place. all the guys soon came out of the locker room, clayton included.

he spotted you talking to a few of the girls, and laughing and smiling along with them. which brought a smile to his face. 

-

a few weeks had gone by, his parents had left a few days after the game, and you were getting along with all of the girls and players perfectly. you honestly didn’t remember why you were so nervous in the first place.

“i'm gonna go to the bathroom quickly,” you told alicia, and a few of the other girls. they smiled and nodded, telling you they would watch your bag. 

when you returned from the bathroom, you heard them talking, so decided to hide behind the wall, which would block you from their view. you heard them say not such nice things to you, and it went on for a good two minutes. 

you quickly, without making eye contact with any of them, made your presence known and grabbed your stuff. you grabbed your car keys out of your bag, and furiously wiped the tears that were beginning to fall.

you didn’t want to go home quite yet cause you knew clayton was home and didn’t have the energy to face him. so you drove around for a little bit before heading home. 

you parked your car and just sat in your car for a second just trying to get your thoughts together. you could remember every word they had said. talking about your clothes, your intentions with clayton, your upbringing, and even more.

you usually wouldn’t have cared about what people said about you, but these people were supposed to be your friends. they put up such a nice front, but behind the scenes, they were talking crap about you. 

that’s what hurt the most. that they pretended to be nice and your friend, but were talking about you behind your back.

you grabbed your stuff before checking your appearance to make it seem like you weren’t crying. you made your way inside your house and heard clayton moving around in the kitchen. 

“hey, your home earlier than i thought you’d be.” clayton looked up from the pan he was cooking with.

“yeah, just ended things a bit earlier today.” you shrugged it off, and set your bag on the kitchen island, “i'm gonna get changed. you have a plan for dinner?” you asked, only half paying attention.

“um, whatever you want is good.” Clayton sensed something was wrong but didn’t want to push the subject. he wanted to see if you would let him know if something was wrong. 

“okay, sounds good.” you flashed him, what you thought, was a convincing smile. you left in confusion in the kitchen as you made your way up to the master bedroom. 

he waited a few minutes to see if you would be coming back down, but when you didn’t he decided to go up and check on you. he found you sitting in the bathroom in tears, your shoulders shaking with sobs. 

“oh, baby.” he immediately bent down next to you and pulled you into his arms. he didn’t say anything but hug you closer and kiss the top of your head. it took you a while to calm down, but when you did you told him everything that had happened. 

he was hurt that this happened to you, and much like you, he was hurt that they did it behind your back, “i'll talk with them at practice tomorrow.” he reassured you.

“do whatever. i don’t really care.” you brushed him off.

“y/n...”

“i really don’t.” you shook your head, “i'll support you from wherever, i just don’t think i want to sit with them anymore,” you admitted, hanging your head.

“of course.” clayton nodded, “i'll get you seats wherever you want. I'll even get your friends tickets.” 

you smiled at that, “thank you.” 

“you don’t deserve this. i'll talk to them tomorrow. i don’t care what you say. no one deserves to be treated like that.” he told you sternly, leaving no room for questions.

“whatever you want.” you shrugged, wrapping your arms around his neck, and pulling him into a hug.

please leave more requests for anyone! 

[putas-in-suffering]

Ego Boost

Pairing: Angel Reyes x Female Reader/You

Rating: Explicit, NSFW 18+ older

Warnings: Language, unprotected vaginal sex, mentions of bodily fluids, Angel’s muscles

Word Count: 2.6K

Summary: You get caught checking out your boyfriend so he decides to have some fun with you.

A/N: Angel Reyes is making his way to the main stage! This was inspired purely by that shirtless picture of Clayton. Ya’ll know the one. But if you don’t, don’t worry because we got you. We’ll post it below. The man is getting into shape and our minds couldn’t help but think of Angel and all the shirtless scenes we’re owed. Let’s manifest that shit for season three because we wanna see shirts off and asses out. Also, this fic can be looked at as a prequel to the drunk sex with Angel fic we posted awhile ago. It makes mention of this particular instance so if you wanna be in the know, check it out here. Enjoy and share with your fellow sucias! Feedback is the preferred drug for our addiction and greatly appreciated 💖💖

(Photo credit and this post belongs to @shadesalvarez​)

You hummed to the faint melody playing on the radio, the volume muted by the rooms that separated you. You made your way to the source of the noise, cold beer in hand. You opened the door that led to the garage, the multitude of sounds now magnified without the barrier of wood to close them out. Your eyes took in the space. The large whirring fan, the half open garage door, the smooth metallic chrome of the motorcycle, and of course your boyfriend.

Angel was hunched over his bike, a pair of black basketball shorts sitting low on his hips. He was shirtless, the sinewy muscles of his arms and abdomen making you pause. You studied him for a long moment, as if seeing him for the first time. He looked bigger, more defined. The long lines of ink now ran over ridges of muscles and veins, the softness he’d once held now gone. His chest was chiseled and the very visible contours of a six-pack were now proudly displayed.

The sight made you swallow. Your mouth suddenly too dry and your panties suddenly too wet.

You knew Angel had taken up working out with EZ. He always made sure to stay in shape, but having his brother come out of prison looking like The Hulk had pushed Angel to train with his younger brother. You’d been surprised at first, but supportive nonetheless. Angel was perfect in your eyes, but you understood. So you’d supported him. And over time you’d noticed small changes here and there.

But today…today you were seeing the differences all at once. And it was noticeable.

You stepped into the garage, shutting the door behind you. Angel had yet to notice you and you took advantage of that as you watched him work. He was concentrating hard, brows furrowed as he fiddled with a part on his bike. His tongue poked out between his bearded lips and the gesture made your insides warm.

You wanted him. Right then. You wanted him in an animalistic way that made your insides clench and your nipples harden. You’d both indulged in some morning sex earlier that day, but it’d been slow and lazy, a statement of love rather than a primal desire. You wanted rough hands and deep thrusts you could feel all the way in your throat. You wanted the ache of his cock to be felt for days after he’d been there.

“Baby…”

You jumped when Angel touched your arm, almost causing you to drop the sweating bottle of beer. You focused your eyes back on the man that now stood less than two feet away from you, his chest showing hints of perspiration. Your tongue yearned to lick it from him.

“You okay? You zoned out.” Angel asked, concern lacing his gravelly voice. His deep chocolate eyes were running the length of you, searching for anything that may be out of place. It was cute.

“I’m good. Sorry, just got distracted.” You half-lied. By the look in his eye, Angel knew what that meant. Under the fullness of his beard you could see the playful smirk on his lips. He took the beer out of your hand and took a large pull, his eyes still not leaving yours. Only this time they said something entirely different.

“Distracted, huh?” He prompted once he’d wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He set the beer on the floor near his bike, straightening and waiting for you to speak.

“You look…” You hesitated on how to articulate exactly what you’d been daydreaming about. You, for some unknown reason, were suddenly nervous around your boyfriend. The butterflies in your stomach grew stronger, their movement shifting from your middle to the lower half of your body.

He patiently waited for you to continue, his brow arched as if he knew exactly what had you all out of sorts. He reached for you, bringing your body flush with his as he settled his hands on your hips. They didn’t stay there for long though. Angel was never one to stay still, and making love was no exception. The man was always moving, always switching sensations before you could get used to one. His hands traveled to your ass, gripping the flesh in encouragement.

“I just noticed how different you look. You look good.” You finally answered meekly, still unwilling to let him fully see the storm that brewed within you.

Angel nodded, as if anticipating the words. You could see the enjoyment on his face, see the pleasure he got from your torture.

“Just good?” He urged, head bowing to bury his face against your neck. You grasped his naked biceps, silently marveling at the size of them. He felt so sturdy under your delicate touches. Felt like he could break you in two if he wanted to. The thought pushed a whimper from your lips, his own beginning to suckle at your flesh.

“Angel,” You whimpered, feeling his teeth dig into a spot he’d been working over. His hips pushed against yours, letting you feel the hardening muscle beneath his shorts.

“Tell me, baby.” He demanded into your ear, suckling the appendage. You shivered, rubbing yourself against his solid form in a weak attempt to entice him. He didn’t budge.

“Sexy…” You finally whispered, tugging at his thick locks. His mouth began to move towards your lips, peppering your face with soft kisses. His hands gently massaged your ass, his dexterous fingers slipping beneath the hem of your shorts to graze your skin.

“Yeah? What else?”

He continued to lock you in a series of delicate kisses, ensuring you stayed in the haze he’d built around you. You surrendered to it, giving every inch of yourself over to it and him.

“Strong.” You breathed into his mouth, gripping his forearms to feel the veins and muscles beneath your palm.

Angel growled, palming your ass with a more veracious grip. You entangled your tongue with his, feeling him begin to shift you backwards. You moved with him until you felt the hard edge of his steel workbench dig into your back. You used it for support, struggling to keep up with the rough hands that seared your flesh.

“Fuck, baby…you got me hard as fuck.”

Arousal flooded your thighs at his words, feeling the proof against your stomach. He began to move your tank top up and over your head, revealing the black bra you wore underneath. You took the initiative and unclasped the garment, carelessly flinging it off. Warm palms encased your naked breasts, kneading the supple flesh with an expertise that had you seeing stars. His entire hand covered you, the ink splashed across his skin making the sight all that more erotic. The only thing missing were his rings. He didn’t wear them around the house, but you found yourself yearning for that cool touch of metal against your nipple. Something you’d gotten used to.

“Angel, please…” You shamelessly begged, throwing your head back when his hungry mouth joined his hands. You arched into him as he licked and sucked, pulling a peaked nipple into his mouth like an impatient newborn. He went further, encasing more of your breast into his mouth and sucking. You whimpered at the force of it, nails digging into the sinewy ridges of his back. You were both slick with perspiration, the fan doing nothing to ease the heat of the day or the growing heat between you.

Angel didn’t verbally answer your plea, but he responded. He pushed your shorts down, taking your panties with them. You stepped out of them and kicked the balled up fabric away. His arms lifted you, seating you on the cool surface of the bench. You flinched at the sensation against your overheated flesh, but settled once his hands began to smooth up your thighs. He widened your legs, fitting his massive form against you. He surrounded you. He smelled of motor oil and the shower gel he’d used that morning. He tasted of the beer you’d brought him. His naked chest stuck to yours, the warm air of the garage making your bodies slide against one another.

“You wet?” He asked, finger already edging to the space between your thighs. You nodded, but he continued on his exploration, feeling your soaked lips. His finger slipped easily in, instantly engulfed by your desire.

“I don’t need it.” You insisted desperately, attempting to push his hand away. You were so far beyond foreplay. You just needed him. Needed the raw connection that only he could give.

He relented, pushing his shorts down enough to free himself. You immediately reached for him, stroking the one muscle that hadn’t changed. Angel had always been gifted in that regard. He was heavy and thick, excitement almost making him seem larger. You swallowed at the feel of him, remembering the moments he thrust himself down your throat. You could practically taste him against your tongue as the tip of him leaked with appreciation. His hips began to move in time with your hand, getting lost in the moment. He grunted and growled, his fingers pressing into your thighs with a pressure that bordered on painful.

“Querida…” He warned, halting your wrist. His eyes met yours as he shook his head, fully removing your hand from his body. He looked almost feral. His hair askew, his beard longer than usual, his eyes wild with simmering tension. Hell, he looked dangerous. All tattoos and muscles. It was an assault on your senses. A fire raged within you; one that you were sure had never burned as bright as it did right now.

“You want it?”

You nodded, uncaring of how eager you seemed. He caressed your cheek, bearded lips barely grazing yours as he rubbed himself against your core.

“How bad?”

You writhed in place as he teased you, slipping only the tip in before pulling away. You anchored yourself to his arms as you shifted your lower half closer to the edge of the bench.

“Angel, stop teasing.” You chastised, feeling the stretch of him as he once again entered you before backing off.

“I want you to tell me, baby…tell me how bad you need me. Tell me how bad it hurts without me inside you.”

Fuck, the man could tease. His words made your walls constrict, trying to squeeze around the phantom sensation of his cock inside you. You were paying for your ogling. Paying for the inflation of Angel’s ego. It was all worth it in the end, but damn did he play a dirty fucking game.

“Let me show you.” You insisted, licking the seam of his lips. He grunted in approval, keeping your gaze as he began to push fully in. You gasped at the familiar ache of him sliding home. Your entire body came alive with him sheathed inside you. Your spine twisted, your limbs wrapped around him, your breathing accelerated. It was a chaotic state of passion and love, but it was addictive. And your body constantly craved more.

He started slow, making you earn every gasp and moan. Your insides clutched at him in desperation, intent on having him stay this way forever. His eyes were trained on your joined bodies. Taking in the way you coated him for smooth passage. What had started out as a ravenous moment of desire had shifted to something more intimate. Something to be savored.

“Angel…you feel so good.” You marveled, closing your eyes when he made his hips flush with yours, forcing him further into your depths.

“Squeeze me.” He demanded as he remained unmoving. You complied, relishing the throb of him against you in return. “Fuck, like that.”

You did it again. And again. Letting him feel just how amazing he made you feel. His hips began to increase in speed, his patience wearing thin as you gripped him. Sweat droplets formed on his forehead as strands of hair shifted into his eyes. You rubbed at your clit, leaning back so that he could see. He licked his lips at the sight, his rhythm faltering. You were both close, the end just beyond reach. He no longer stroked your walls, but instead assaulted them. He no longer left your body as his thrusts became erratic and fast, forcing you to hold on.

The brightness of the day grew hotter. The fan whirring in the corner was drowned out by your hard and reckless coupling. The rattling of the tools littered along the bench echoed as each thrust sent the bench back into the wall. Soon, your body was matching the intensity of your surroundings, lifting you high and pitching you into space. You cried out as you shook and trembled with pleasure. The only word that escaped your lungs was a name.

“Angel…”

“I’m almost there, baby…”

And with that, he was.

Heat as warm as the day filled you. You widened your legs as Angel’s body spasmed with his climax. He thrust with every release of him inside you, continuing to ensure that you’d be filled to the brim for days after. The way he groaned into your ear made you wrap your legs tighter around his waist, locking him to you. His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes squeezed shut. He looked in pain, but you knew better. There was a flash of ecstasy and then it was gone, replaced with a calmness that you’d bared witness to a thousand times. When his muscles began to ease from the tension, you kissed him, running delicate fingers through his beard. His own ran up your back and over your spine, tickling you.

“You know,” He started once he’d pulled away from your lips, eyes now alight with mirth and satisfaction. “If I’d known bulking up was gonna get me this much ass, I woulda done it a long time ago.”

You shoved at his shoulder, laughter ravaging your body as he smirked down at you. “Not true. You get ass on the regular. Don’t even.”

He wrapped your arms around his neck, bringing his face a hair’s breadth away from yours. He rubbed his nose against your own, the action making you melt.

“Yeah, you are pretty generous. Gotta be with a super hot boyfriend and all.” He wiggled his eyebrows at you.

You scoffed, but laughed nonetheless. He wasn’t wrong.

“Okay, okay…you’re hot. Let’s move on.”

You tried to escape his hold, but he caught your wrists and pinned you to him.

“No, I wanna hear more. Tell me how hot I am.” He tickled your ribs as he spoke, forcing you to jerk away. You giggled when he followed, his mouth now nestled against your neck, rubbing his facial hair against your skin.

“Angel!”

You tried to wriggle away, but his Adonis-like body kept you immobile, along with his hardening cock still embedded inside you. You stopped struggling when he placed a hand to your neck, feeling your pulse jump against his palm. His face grew serious, the tendrils of lust starting to darken his irises all over again.

“Lay back, mama. I’m gonna return the favor.” He instructed, pushing against your chest. You followed his words and movements, letting him retreat from your body. He took hold of your thighs, leveling your lower half to his smirking mouth.

It only took two minutes before Angel had to close the garage door, your moans too loud for any passerby on a neighborhood street.

It took another five minutes for the cops to show up, claiming they got a domestic disturbance call in response to some questionable noises.

Angel had never looked so pleased with himself.

Tags:

@marvelmaree

@visintaes

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@aquarius-smr-writing

@glimmerglittergirl

@arveeee

@fangirlingaesthetics

@maciiiofficial

@woahitslucyylu

[dramaticviolincrescendo]

Okay, what are your thoughts on Ian's relationships? With his family, his boyfriends, and Mandy (since I think that's the only friend he's had)

Oh, no. Ohhhhhhhh, no. Now you’ve done it. You’ve asked about my dear, darling favorite character on the show. My love for one Ian Gallagher runs deep, which means this answer is going to run super long. The good, the bad, and everything in between—Ian Gallagher lives rent free in my brain and always will. I derive so much satisfaction from seeing Ian interact with other people, in whatever capacity that might be. I admire and aspire to the compassion he has shown for others over the years, even and perhaps most especially those who arguably haven’t earned it. He tries so hard to be good to people, and seeing their love for him manifest when he’s reached such lows where he can’t even fathom why the love of his life would want to be with him forever? That’s powerful.

So, yeah. I said I could write essays on these characters, and that’s exactly what you’re about to get: five hours and 6k words’ worth of my thoughts. (I am so sorry. There will be text walls.)

Let’s dive into Ian’s many and multifaceted relationships—his family, his friends, and his romantic pursuits.

Ian and Family

Ian told us where he stood on this in the very first season, and it set the standard for his character for eleven years to come. Faced with a prospect that others in his position could only dream of—not being Frank’s son and having a wealthy father with a functional, prosperous lifestyle mere miles away—Ian refused to buy into it. He refused to do what might have been objectively better for his future by seeking a relationship with Clayton. In that household, he would have had access to a better public school, more financial resources, a tutor to help him where he was struggling, and less urgency for him to work so that he could enjoy being a kid. When he got sick, he would have had access to better healthcare, too. Perhaps he would have had a better shot at West Point from that background than he did at home. But that’s just it: home was with his family, and he was very clear that they didn’t live in that nice house. All he wanted—all he wanted—was to be with his brothers and sisters. He has never referred to them as only half-siblings or half-cousins; he has never even used the words, “you’re not my dad,” on Frank. That’s his family, the people he loves most in the world, and he’s always been at his best when he’s with them and at his worst when he’s not. Let’s look at each of them:

1.      Frank: It is so striking to me that Ian doesn’t appear to hold the outright contempt for Frank that Fiona, Lip, and Debbie have exhibited at different points over the years. Aside from the handful of instances where they’ve gotten into physical altercations (which Frank always initiated) and kicking him out of the house on occasion, Ian is simply indifferent to him. But there are these moments, these brief glimmers of mutual attachment and loyalty, if those are the right words. In the scene where Ian famously doesn’t count to three before using the pepper spray on him, Frank starts saying how his New Gallaghers weren’t his real kids—that Ian is his real son, and Frank is his real father. It’s a passing thought uttered while trying to manipulate his way into the house that neither of them think much of, nor does the audience…until you remember that biologically, Frank isn’t his father, and he certainly hasn’t behaved like one either. Ian has more right than anyone to comment on that, but he doesn’t because Frank is his father. He’s the father that Ian idly hoped wouldn’t come to his wedding yet sat joking about with Debbie rather than getting pissed off that he was making out with some lady in front of everyone. He’s the father who sat at the table with them eating breakfast in 11x03 and claimed Mickey was the man in their relationship without Ian saying a word to him about it, and who Ian saw no issue with taking Franny to school when no one else could. In s4, as far removed from his family as he’d been for a while, Ian still went straight to the hospital when he heard that Frank was at death’s door. We focus so much on his attitude towards Monica because of how obvious it was that we frequently miss these tiny moments and their implications. It would take an awful lot of patience, compassion, and love not to write Frank off completely after all he’s done. Not necessarily our standard definition of love between a son and his father, perhaps, but a loving soul.

2.      Monica: I have actually written a pretty lengthy post about his relationship with her because while their shared mental illness definitely plays a role in his feelings toward her, that grew complicated far earlier than his diagnosis. The first time we meet her, we see that he has a visceral reaction to news of her presence. He runs. When Ian can’t process strong emotions, that’s what he’s done in the past. I happened upon an interview Cameron did just after the end of s1 where he mentioned something I had already been thinking: Ian’s age when Monica left is extremely important. He was a kid in s1, but one who could roll with the punches, sometimes literally. She left them two years before that. Ian would have been in middle school, roughly as old as Debbie was when she still called Frank “daddy” and forgave him for everything he did. It’s an awkward age that once again set Ian in something of a danger zone—too old to accept an excuse or no explanation at all, but not old enough to process the situation in a healthy way. And then she’s back all of a sudden with no warning. Ian doesn’t cry like Debbie, and he doesn’t typically get explosively angry like Fiona. He can’t deal, so he runs. He hangs back. He only speaks when he has to and compartmentalizes: Monica wants to take Liam, and they need to stop her. It doesn’t have to be about her leaving. They have a goal—he can focus on that. And then she’s back a year later, saying she’s here to stay while Fiona seems to take her at her word and Lip isn’t there to ground everyone. Ian tries so hard to behave like Lip would with his biting sarcasm and attempts to stay emotionally distant in a way that seemed pretty exaggerated for Ian, but he’s also dealing with a fresh wave of guilt over Mickey going to juvie—and Monica gets it. She’s the only person to acknowledge that he’s in pain and actively try to make it better. She’s the only one who really knows at the time, but that hardly matters. This poor kid, whose mother left him when he still needed her, has her standing in front of him and saying she’s sorry and listening when he speaks and taking him dancing—just the two of them. Embarrassing as it was and harmful as it could have been, she tried to facilitate his dreams when no one else wanted him to go into the military. She was there for him when he went AWOL. She came for him when he was arrested and even wanted to make a place for him in her new life, unrealistic as it was. This goes so much deeper than them both being bipolar. Ian’s comment about her parachuting into their lives in s7 wasn’t about Mickey or her role in them breaking up. He trusted her. He wanted her. He needed her. And she’d convinced him that she would be there—until she left. Over and over again. She was there for him and unintentionally took advantage of how desperately he still needed his mother. She made him keep loving her, and that’s both a blessing that has him crying into a voluminous man’s arms when she passes and a curse that wrecked him more than once.

3.      Fiona: The trust these two have for each other cannot be understated. Fiona has discussed things with Ian that she never brought up around any of the other kids throughout the entire series. In the pilot episode, she tells him about feeling needed and takes his opinion on the matter to heart. At the end of the season, he’s the one she talks to about the car because she can trust him to give her an answer even without speaking. In s2, she tells Lip that the two of them are her rocks, and we see that time and time again. That’s part of what makes their falling out over the church hit that much harder: it’s Ian and Fiona. The only time they’d been on the outs in any serious manner up to that point was when Ian was adjusting to his new reality and they were trying to find a balance between sister and caretaker. Otherwise, that bond of trust had never been severed—not until Ian literally sold himself only for it to amount to nothing in the end because she had no idea the lengths to which he’d gone to get that building. That damage gets mended, thankfully, but what a powerful period of time when those two were the only ones who’d never really been at each other’s throats. There is a downside to that trust, though. As I mentioned before, Ian was so responsible and put together when he was younger that Fiona didn’t think twice about his situation with Ned or that he ran away. Not even seventeen yet, and she was telling Debbie that she didn’t like his decision to leave but trusted him. That is one of the things I love about this show—even something like trust that we always prop up as an important factor in our relationships can betray us in the most unexpected ways.

4.      Lip: I won’t go into it here, but the relationship they share is something that means a lot to me on a personal level. It’s part of how I knew that Ian would become my favorite character pretty early on. The way he simultaneously admires and envies Lip, loves and is annoyed by him, relies on him and is desperate to pave his own path in the world—what a beautiful and accurate depiction of what it means to be a younger sibling. Lip is the first person to discover that he’s gay and openly accept him for it. (I think what he tried with Karen came from a well-meaning place even if it was horribly, horribly misguided.) Lip is the one who tries to get him into West Point, hate it as he does. He helps Ian when Terry is after him, takes care of him in the aftermath of the wedding when he realizes just how deeply Ian feels for Mickey, searches the whole damn city for him when he finds out that Ian is in trouble, gets him a job, leans on him in his own time of need… He’s not perfect. He slips up, just like Ian does. Some things break my heart, like Lip insisting that he’s earned his own space when his little brother is asking him for safe harbor or Ian thanking him for being his brother outside the prison. But they love each other so much, and I just… I can’t possibly put into words how much I love their dynamic.

5.      Debbie, Carl, and Liam: I’m grouping these three together because they’re further separated from Ian in age, so we see a lot of the same trends with them as a whole. Ian loves taking care of people. We know this. We also know that Fiona and Lip don’t typically want him taking care of them—they’re the ones who take care of him when he needs it, specifically Lip. With the younger three, however, Ian can be the Big Brother. He can shake his head in utter bafflement at Debbie’s obsession with holding her breath for two minutes, walk Carl through what he needs to go camping, and promise his baby brother postcards when he leaves. The difference here is that his relationship with them is so much less fraught with conflict. We don’t see him fight with Debbie, Carl, or Liam the way he has with Fiona or Lip. While Ian tends to be the voice of reason during conflicts overall, I think it’s also because he relies on his older siblings in a way that he doesn’t with his younger siblings, and the latter don’t tend to rely on him as much as Fiona or Lip as well. There’s a lack of tension in most of their interactions growing up because that pressure isn’t there. Perhaps this is where Ian’s age and standing in the family is a bit more beneficial: young enough to have people he can rely on while too young for anyone to really rely on him for more than his share of the squirrel fund.

Ian and Friends

I’ve seen it mentioned that Ian (and Mickey) not having more friends is bad or lazy writing. I tend to believe that that fails to take something into account that, admittedly, most of us don’t really have to think about: having friends is a luxury. It requires time and effort to cultivate friendships, especially lasting ones. As a kid, Ian spent a lot of his free time working or helping to manage one family crisis after another. Going AWOL, losing his health, struggling to acclimate to his illness, trying to find a new career path, spiraling into the Gay Jesus movement, going to prison, adjusting once again to normal life, getting married, a pandemic… I’m sure he’s had plenty of acquaintances over the years, but having a family to support and constant upheavals would have made it extremely difficult to really forge strong relationships with them. I think that’s part of what makes his relationship with Mandy so special and valuable to him: she’s sort of the same way.

When we met Mandy in s1, she had other friends. We saw her meet up with them and go shopping; she told Ian a story about how one was mad at her for not sharing her make-up. As the trauma in the Milkovich household reached its zenith for her in s2 and she started thinking seriously about getting out of there, we saw those friends fall by the wayside—all except Ian. He saw her and let her see him early on. That’s a level of trust and respect that nobody else in their neighborhood would have displayed, certainly not to her. But then there’s this guy who defended her against their creepy, perverted teacher and treated her like a human being, not an object. It’s no wonder she developed an obvious, unrequited crush and sought physical comfort from him occasionally. It’s no wonder she tried to repay the favor by giving Mickey a hard time in s3 and s4, misguided and rather uninformed as we know it was at the time. (It’s also no wonder that she went for the closest Gallagher to Ian, either, but that’s for another meta.)

And Ian… Ian is loyal to a fault. We have watched Ian cut out his own heart and let the blood drip down his arm to pool on the floor at his feet if it would make a damn bit of difference for the people he loves. Like Fiona and Lip, Mandy immediately accepted him for who he is and suggested an arrangement that would protect him as well as benefit her. That is enormous where they came from. To him, that had to feel like the ultimate sign of friendship: he could trust her with a part of him that he hadn’t even entrusted to most of his family yet. From that point on, she was on the List of People Ian Gallagher Would Do Anything For. Finding out about Terry and what had happened? He held a bake sale, of all things, to fundraise for her. Seeing that his brother—his best friend—was treating her like garbage? He put him in his place. Her boyfriend was beating her? He brought her home and made it his goal to find a safe place for her to stay, even if it ultimately didn’t work. She was going to move away from all of her meager support with that boyfriend? He didn’t just rally his own arguments—he brought in outside help with Lip, who he thought might tip the scales. It’s usually just a saying that true friends will help each other hide a body, but Ian literally tried to do that. Lucky for him, he has a good head on his shoulders and used it.

No, Ian doesn’t seem to have a lot of friends. We’ve seen that he has spheres of influence, if you will, and acquaintances that he can call upon when he needs them. (For example, the guys that helped with the preacher.) However, Ian has always struck me as a “quality over quantity” type of person. Being a soldier or an EMT isn’t lucrative, but they’re meaningful for someone who sees them as vehicles for helping people. Seeing more parts of the world than just Chicago has appealed to him in the past, but he seems perfectly content to carve out a spot for himself right here at home. Having only three best friends—Lip, Mandy, and Mickey—doesn’t seem like much of a hardship for him.

Ian and Romantic Pursuits

I hate to say that there were five, but from Ian’s perspective, there were. So, let’s talk about all five. Even though…there weren’t five. There was only one. We’ll save the best for last.

1.      Kash: The first of Ian’s perceived romantic pursuits that really wasn’t. I hope it goes without saying that I hate this man with the passion of a thousand burning suns. I hate him so much. However, their interactions taught me a whole lot about how kind and compassionate Ian really is—and how naïve. Of course, he would believe that Kash loved him. The man was buying him all sorts of expensive gifts, and that’s what we see on all the commercials and in so many movies, isn’t it? Grand gestures of affection through expensive gifts. Poor as they were, Ian still scraped together the money to buy him baseball tickets and CDs, convinced as he was that that was all part of what you did in a relationship. That desire to do things like a “normal” married couple in s11? Yeah, that starts here. Ian has always been a planner, and he’s always bought into certain stereotypes. We can see that here. What we can also see is Ian’s compassionate, kind, loving soul. He cares so deeply for other people, even ones that he doesn’t know very well, especially if they are living in circumstances that mean something to him. (For example, the mentally ill woman they tried to help at work and the shelter kids whose situations were so similar to Mickey’s.) Kash being a closeted gay man living in misery with a wife he didn’t love and two children he never meant to have clearly tugged at Ian’s heartstrings. Even after everything that happens, even though Ian behaves as though they’re awkward exes who just happen to work together, he still covers for Kash. He gives him that head start and takes it upon himself to break the news to Linda that he’s gone. He defends Kash to Lip when the latter finally says exactly what we all know: he was a pedophile who deserved to rot in prison for what he did. As with Fiona’s trust, Ian’s loving soul, compassionate heart, and desire for love outside his siblings are virtues that have done him harm in the past. This is one such instance.

2.      Ned: The second of Ian’s perceived romantic pursuits that really wasn’t. To be honest, I don’t believe that Ian would even characterize it that way. He seemed very aware that Ned was a distraction from his problems—from Mickey being in juvie, Monica falling into a depressive episode, the money in the squirrel fund being gone, Lip moving out, losing his shot at West Point, and getting denied for service due to his age. Again, though, Ian has always wanted to feel valued, and this rich dude was letting him stay in a fancy hotel room with anything he wanted readily available. This (disgusting predator) guy was giving him attention and a distraction with no strings attached. Then the complications roll in, and he’s once again faced with being the mistress to a closeted, married man. The difference here is that he’s not comfortable with it. He tries to tell Fiona twice, which is enormous for Ian when he has never been very good at communicating if it means burdening others with or even merely facing his own problems. But he tries to tell her. He rejects the GPS unit and tells Ned that he has a boyfriend, boxing him into a strictly sexual arrangement. (This, unfortunately, makes sense. It aligns with how Fiona viewed things: where Jimmy was concerned about it, she told him that it was “just sex.”) He is also visibly embarrassed to admit to Lip and Fiona what has been going on with Ned. By that point, Ian is a year and a half older and, while still scarred and warped in his views because of Kash, perhaps a bit wiser. Emotionally, he kept Ned at arm’s length most of the time. He used Ned not just as a distraction, but as a way to galvanize Mickey into taking their relationship a step forward. But Ian is still Ian, and Ian is compassionate to a fault. Ned played that card by asking if he could have a little understanding for a man whose life was falling apart. Sure, he can. He’s Ian, the Gallagher too empathetic for his own good at times. We know how that spirals out of control. It just goes to show that even when Ian was trying to maintain some emotional distance, his heart is simply too big and his perceptions too heavily impacted by the grooming he’d experienced with two different people by then, and so he [SPOILER ALERT] still feels enough of a connection to Ned after all these years to be mildly bothered that he passed away.

3.      Caleb: The third of Ian’s perceived romantic pursuits that really wasn’t. Ian’s relationship with Caleb strikes me as being similar to what he had with Ned. While more age-appropriate, Ian was very much using Caleb, just as Caleb was using him. That’s why it was so easy for both of them to walk away. Ian was in a difficult spot when they met. He was grateful to the firefighters who saved his life, but he had also just saved someone else at a moment when he was perhaps at his absolute lowest. That’s what he’s always wanted, isn’t it—to be a bit of a hero and help people? So, he’s understandably drawn there, first out of gratitude and then to be surrounded by very attractive gay firemen who helped people, saved his life, and invited him to be part of a function they were holding. But he made himself pretty clear from the start: he was interested in sex with Caleb. That was the draw. He still hasn’t come to terms with being bipolar and losing Mickey, but Ian has never not been with anyone for any extended length of time. That’s just who he is: he’s always sought some level of outward validation—from the army, Kash, Monica, Mickey, and so many others. We’re seeing him struggle with that now as he deals with the opportunities available to him as a mentally ill ex-con felon. So, he pursues Caleb as a distraction just like he did with Ned, only Caleb is a predator in his own right and can smell that his interest is coming from a place of weakness. He immediately (and initially unintentionally) preys on Ian’s desperate need for structure and order by insisting on a traditional date where Ian is very much out of his element and even goes so far as to instruct Ian on how to be intimate. It’s no wonder he mentions Mickey in these moments, as Mickey never wanted him to change, and Ian leans heavily (even slightly hyperbolically) into the fact that Mickey wasn’t a paragon of order and stability like Caleb outwardly appears. 

And I think why Ian puts up with it so long—being taught like a child, being used to upset Caleb’s parents, being paraded in front of his friends to make them jealous—is because he was getting something out of it too, just like with Ned. A stable place to live when their home ownership was in flux, a place away from his family when they weren’t providing the support he needed as he adjusted to his disorder, someone who validated his desires to help people regardless of their ulterior motives, and a physical distraction from his own problems. All of these parallel his relationship with Ned very closely. It was never going to last, of course. Ian is a strong person who temporarily forgot how strong he was because he forgot who he was, and Caleb didn’t want to be cared for—he wanted a project, like all of his sculptures. Being a project, being something that others see as needing to be fixed? That’s a hard no for Ian. It always has been. There’s a moment I love later in their relationship where Caleb tells him to turn off the lights when he goes out and lightly reprimands him for leaving one on the day prior. Ian is in a better place at that point, having regained a lot of his sense of self, and stares after him with indignation at being treated like a kid. He’s then lied to and cheated on, but I think that to mention those things to Caleb when they break up is to admit weakness on his own part—that he stuck with Caleb knowing that he was being mistreated, and Ian is not one to be called a victim. So, while we know from his discussions with Lip and Sue that the cheating and distrust bothered him most, he merely focused on Caleb lying about his sexuality, which removed a lot of the emotion from the situation—just like he did with Ned. It ultimately turned out to be a bad move since Caleb, being a skilled predator, made him question even his own sexuality in return, but we’re starting to see that Ian isn’t here to be someone’s toy anymore. Not an older, married man like Ned, but definitely not anyone his age either. I’m glad this pseudo-relationship happened because it showed Ian how strong he really was and that he could be in control of his own life. Sure, it destabilized him a little in the aftermath, but he worked through it. He leaned on his family, specifically Lip, who has always been his rock without the blurred lines that Fiona represented between sister/mother-figure/caretaker. Caleb is a garbage person, but Ian was the one who pulled the treasure from the trash, not him.

4.      Trevor: The fourth of Ian’s perceived romantic pursuits that really wasn’t. Trevor is perhaps the first relationship where we don’t see Ian dive in. Whether that’s because of his confusion over Trevor’s gender identity or the fact that he was really beginning to fully mature as an adult by that point (ostensibly finishing his education, getting a career, being fully self-sufficient, etc.), he tried to take his time and not jump right in. They hung out, talked around the neighborhood, and yes, engaged in some casual intimacy at the club. Again, Ian might not be in a full relationship, but he’s never without someone for long. At that point in the series, all he was missing was a relationship when it comes to traditional, “normal” goals for people to have. But Trevor posed a situation he’s never been in before since, while gay himself, Ian has never been very interested in activism or engaging in the LGBT community. It’s just not in his culture or environment, so to be faced with someone he’s interested in that challenges a lot of his views of gender and sexuality is something he takes his time with. Unfortunately, Trevor is younger than him and not quite as mature, not quite as experienced. He tells Ian he has plenty of friends and doesn’t need another, which is an ultimatum that has never really sat very well with me personally because I’m generally of the mind that if a person needs time and you really care for them, you’ll let them have that time. I’m not unsympathetic to Trevor: he’s been burned before and has his own trauma stemming from responses to his identity, so it makes complete sense for him not to be patient in this regard. He shouldn’t have to be—but then, Ian shouldn’t have to rush into anything he’s not 100% certain he wants either. That’s exactly what he does, though, because Ian does for others without thinking of the implications for himself a lot of the time. They make great friends, but they don’t make great partners. Trevor treats Ian similarly to Caleb in that he’s a bit of a project. Trevor educates him on the LGBT community and incorporates him into his ventures for the shelter without ever really showing much interest in Ian’s life or family, which suits Ian just fine because for as interested as he is in helping with the shelter and as attracted to Trevor as he is, he seems to know they’re not compatible. Ian, who has been having sex since he was far too young, takes a step back from it when they run into compatibility issues. (And pushes back on the pressure to bottom with some of his own—neither of them were in the right on that.) He doesn’t ask much about Trevor’s family or try to be part of his personal life. They sort of embody the “friends with benefits” stereotype: they hang out, they have sex, and that’s really all there is to their relationship. 

The reason Ian doubles down on trying to make it work isn’t because there was a future for them before Mickey broke out. It’s because he thinks he’s lost Mickey forever, he knows he’s lost Monica forever, and he’s not going to get the support he needs from his family when they couldn’t stand Monica and Fiona told him what he already knew to be true, namely that Mickey being an escaped convict would destroy everything Ian worked so hard for if he got involved. So, he does what Ian does. He needs that distraction—he needs to run from these strong emotions he can’t process, so he bottles them up and unfairly hopes that Trevor will provide some of that comfort after cheating on him with Mickey. (Had Mickey been released, I think they would have broken up. Instead, that was the first match Ian lit, but certainly not the last.) Now, the thing is, Trevor said at the start that he didn’t want to be Ian’s friend. He’s also younger and less mature in a relationship, which means he threw the concept of love out there prematurely, just like Ian thought what he had with Kash was love. The death throes of their relationship were a back and forth where Ian was spiraling and seeking comfort, and Trevor was providing some while keeping their relationship pretty amorphous. (Were they exes? Were they friends? Were they people who shared interests and danced around each other? Were they going to get back together? They never officially broke up—it fizzled and resurged, then fizzled for good.) Ultimately, whatever it was that they had couldn’t survive Mickey, Monica, or Gay Jesus. Trevor wasn’t prepared to deal with a full-blown manic episode, and based on his hands-off approach with involving himself in Ian’s life even before the Mickey-shaped bomb got dropped on them, it doesn’t seem like he really wanted to anyway. He did what he’s always done: prioritized his shelter, which I’m not deriding in the slightest. By that point, Ian was too far gone to care that he disappeared anyway. Had the situation been different and he was getting the support from his family that he needed, it doesn’t seem like he would have cared much there either.

5.      Mickey: Finally. Only took over five thousand words to get here. I’ll preface this with something that anyone who knows me from other fandoms is already well aware of, namely that I don’t do romance. Ever. Never been interested. The relationships I’ve always been most passionately interested in are platonic ones, especially “found families” and siblings, which is probably obvious from the other five thousand words here. Ian and Mickey are the first relationship I’ve actively shipped or written for in a fandom. They’re the first I’ve been invested in to this extent. As such, one of the biggest pet peeves I had when I first joined this fandom was the saying, “Ian fell first, Mickey fell harder.” These two wonderful dumbasses face planted on the concrete in front of the Kash and Grab in s1 and never recovered. I could go on forever about these two, but that particular wall of text would probably be too daunting for even the most avid Gallavich stan to traverse, so I’ll keep it fairly brief. As we can see above, Ian has a very strict sense of what he “should” want in a partner. Someone who is moderately successful in their chosen field, makes enough money to at least live comfortably, and typically does something that helps other people (a doctor, a fireman, a youth counselor). These aren’t passionate people. They’re not men who operate on instinct the way most of the people in his life have always had to by virtue of their social standing. They have life goals and opportunities that he envies, and Ian has a great deal of compassion for them when they hit a roadblock or things don’t work out. The amazing dichotomy of Ian Gallagher is that he straddles a line most people can’t between the rough neighborhood that has instilled in him all of his values/behaviors and the middle-class mentality of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and aspiring to more. Ian has always aimed for what Lip said wasn’t possible for poor people: being successful without having to scam or steal. But as I said way back at the beginning of this manifesto, the South Side is his home. His family is his family. And none of the people he’s been with personify the South Side quite like Mickey—they don’t personify home like Mickey. 

And I think that’s where the initial draw for Ian is. (I’m going to focus on Ian’s side since he’s who your question focused on.) The other guys look great on paper, and Ian’s brain says that that’s what he should aim for. We know better, though. We know that Ian has an enormous heart that belongs first and foremost to his family and their home. His heart says that this person—this dirty, rude, mean, violent person—is home. His heart says this person is everything about himself that he denies having, just like Ian was everything about Mickey that the latter declined to openly acknowledge for so long. I don’t like relationships built on “making each other better.” I really don’t. The wonderful thing about this is that it’s never been that way. Ian didn’t change Mickey. He’s exactly who he’s always been, but he’s grown past the fear of his own emotions and Terry’s response to them. He’s still a thief, a con artist, violent, and rude. Mickey didn’t change Ian either. He’s still rigidly conforming to certain stereotypes of what he thinks he should want, seeking structure (to his own detriment at times), and not a great communicator. The point for them is that they complement each other, not that they make the other a better person—not even that they bring something out of each other that wasn’t already there. That’s what Ian’s other relationships did. They made him shave off his edges so that he could fit a square peg into a round hole, and that’s not happiness. It’s simply what he thought he was supposed to do—what “normal” people did. 

With Mickey, he doesn’t have to worry so much about what is normal or acceptable. He doesn’t have to worry about whether or not his life is objectively “on track,” not until fairly recently. Mickey is the only person he’s ever been with who has accepted him for who he is, faults and strengths alike, without the underlying insinuation that he should be aiming for something else or pretending to be whatever the other person needs him to be in order to care for them. Kash needed an escape—Ian provided it. Ned needed a very specific brand of toy—Ian played that role. Caleb needed a project to feel fulfilled—Ian went along with it for a bit. Trevor needed someone who accepted him as he was but did things his way—Ian did that. To care for Mickey has only ever meant being himself because all Mickey ever really needed was him. Mickey didn’t need an escape from his home—his relationship with his family is more complicated than that. Mickey didn’t need to be saved from his upbringing—it’s what made him the person Ian fell in love with and who he is happy to be. Mickey didn’t need someone to change who he is on a fundamental level because unless it is going to get him into trouble and separate them, Ian never wanted him to. (Even then, it’s about what he does, not who he is.) And yes, I’m sure that there’s a level of excitement that Ian finds exhilarating where Mickey is concerned, but I tend to believe it goes a lot deeper than that. What he finds exciting about Mickey is what Mickey embodies about the South Side—about home. About his own upbringing, but also Ian’s. About Frank and Monica, his siblings, school, work, ROTC—existing and surviving in an environment where it’s not guaranteed that you’ll have money to keep the heat on this winter or feed your family. They spent the early seasons living in a constant state of fight or flight. They couldn’t afford not to. And there’s excitement in that. Look at how many people say that the first seasons are their favorite! There hasn’t been a huge shift in the quality or direction of the writing, just the trajectory of the characters. They’ve gotten older, and their problems have been different. It’s not about survival so much of the time anymore, but those are the storylines that excite us. For Ian, that exhilaration in the constant battle of survival in their neighborhood is sewn into the fiber of his being just like it is Mickey’s. He saw his home in Mickey before they truly fell in love, and when that followed, Mickey became home.

In Conclusion

Ian has spent his entire life looking for the “right” path only to realize that it was laid before him: his family, his small circle of friends, and Mickey. I love that that is coming full circle this season, where [SPOILER ALERT] marriage has almost made him regress a bit to that place where there must be a right way of doing things going forward, and slowly but surely, we’re seeing him loosen up.

Good morning. It’s Ian Gallagher loving hours.

[nyxravessnow]

Review 2021 Kuromyu – Namashitsuji Secrets of the Public School Arc

Disclaimer: This is not an unbiased review so please proceed knowing that it is heavily opinionated.

2nd Disclaimer: I have never seen the anime or read the manga of Black Butler. All of my thoughts are based on comparisons to previous musicals and comments from fans about how accurate their portrayal is. I understand this may turn some people off my review which is understandable but I think an important thing for shows is how accessible they can be for people who don’t know the source material.

 FREE OF SPOILERS

Overall rating: 8/10

 Acting – 8/10

Music – 8/10 (I took an average of my song scores)

Ease of understanding – 8/10

Direction – 7/10

 Overall Summary:

I think the show was excellent and showed respect to the old shows but also did quite a few new things. All the scenes and songs had clear thought put into them and the acting showcased these things very well. It was not quite like what I expected it was going to be like but now that I’ve seen it, I can’t quite think of what I expected. I think if you like 2.5D or if you like Black Butler or the actors in this show then you will enjoy the show quite a lot. It is not exactly the same as before from every standpoint apart from it being Black Butler so I would say don’t go in expecting it to be just the same.

 I will move to a spoiler review under the cut but plainly, this show is very good and I think all the actors did a great job.

As I normally do I am going to give my thoughts on story, acting, songs and directing, then mention some extra stuff that I might think of at the end. I am sorry if I bring up the fact that I’m British and went to boarding school like my parents too much.

Story: The story was mostly pretty easy for me to follow, especially as a British person who knows about Cricket and boarding schools. I haven’t seen Campania so the dolls confused me a little at first but that is completely on me for not having seen the previous show. When watching I was very confused about what was going on towards the end but looking back on it that was mainly because of my migraine and not because it wasn’t clear. Scenes were set out well and the camera work was done in a way to make it very easy to follow along. But omg the cricket made me a little upset. It was super fun and all. But it was so inaccurate XD. I guess I now know the pain of people who like tennis when they watch the Prince of Tennis.

Acting: I am going to go actor by actor and give a rough overview of what I thought of them

Tateishi Toshiki as Sebastian Michaelis

I felt like we didn’t get a terribly demonic Sebastian in this show but otherwise I loved Toshi as Sebastian. He felt very elegant and reserved most of the time which contrast well with the times in which he was annoyed at Ciel. He wasn’t terribly present in a lot of the show but I did really enjoy him when he was on stage. His singing voice is excellent and I loved hearing him sing, will go into more about it later during the song summaries.

Konishi Eito as Ciel Phantomhive

I thought Eito was amazing as Ciel and he is my favourite Ciel so far. He showed Ciel’s switch between cute and normal so well and it really made me think about how good of an actor Ciel is. I don’t know how he did what he did to his voice but he makes himself sound like a young child with a slightly higher and scrapey voice than normal and it really makes you think that he is very young. I know many people were worried that they were casting an adult as Ciel because they wanted to sexualise him and this was not the case at all. He only showed any skin in the very first scene when in the cage and he had the sheet/robe-thing showing his shoulder. His singing voice is quite a lot mature than the previous two Ciels, for obvious reasons, and I think it really helped me enjoy his songs.

Okayama Ryousuke as Soma Asman Kadar

While I would still say I prefer Sho’s Soma, mainly bc Sho is one of my fav actors and I am biased, I really liked Ryousuke’s Soma. He was super energetic and friendly and really gave off this air of innocence as he believes Ciel’s reasoning for him to join Weston. His cricket was also very fun. His singing was pretty okay. I think this was as his singing suffered when he was trying to sing in Soma’s voice.

Ueda Kandai as Undertaker

I was honestly quite surprised how good Kandai was as Undertaker. I think his Undertaker voice got better as the show went on so I assume the reason it was less good at first was nerves. He wasn’t in it too much but I thoroughly enjoyed him in every scene he was in. I think I would love it if he learnt to sing in his Undertaker voice more but I also understand that is quite difficult so understand why he’s not doing that.

Sana Hiroki as Edgar Redmond

I thought he was very good as Edgar and carried the emotion needed for the more serious scenes, like the flashback about Derek, very well. He definitely emphasised the queerness of Edgar and had some rather flirtatious moments with Maurice and Joanne. However, despite being flirty and not seeming to be very serious, I completely bought it when he became serious and he played the shift very well (such as in the Maurice reveal scene). His singing voice is good.

Tazuru Shogo as Herman Greenhill

I thought Shogo was really good as Herman, even if it did feel like him playing a slightly nicer version of Sanada – his character from Prince of tennis. He was my 2nd fav of the four and I always enjoyed watching him in his scenes. He played the emotion in the Derek flashback amazingly and you could really see the pain in his eyes when he realised what he had done. His voice was really perfect for Herman.

Satonaka Masamichi as Lawrence Bluewer

I really loved Masa as Lawrence. I don’t know how accurate it is as he didn’t seem very sweet from what I read on his wiki page, but his Lawrence seemed quite tsundere. I loved his bit in the Cricket match when he was talking about wanting to win in his very last year. He also just seemed quite cute. I really enjoyed his singing.

Goto Dai as Gregory Violet

I LOVED Dai as Gregory. He definitely gave off the aura of being weird but he also seemed very sweet to Cheslock and the two actors had really good chemistry. He was really cute in his Cricket gear. He was by far my favourite of the prefects. Despite seeming cute and sweet to Cheslock he definitely retained the aura of mystery and you could never tell what he was thinking. His singing voice is pretty good but he didn’t have many solo bits.

Furuya Yamato as Clayton

While at the beginning I did get an intelligent stuck up vibe from Yamato as Clayton that kinda died away as the show went on and he became much more of a dork. I dunno how much of this is in character but to me it felt slightly like Yamato playing himself. As I think Yamato is an excellent actor, I was a little bit disappointed to see his character change quite a bit but I don’t know how much was him and how much was the direction. Since Yamato is known for comedy and his adlibbing I wouldn’t be surprised if this was actually just direction and the route they decided to go down for this character, hence why they scouted Yamato. I know his singing voice may not appeal to everyone, but I really like it.

Nakajima Takuto as Edward Midford

Takuto was very good as Edward and I think he played his straightforwardness quite well. I love Takuto but I don’t think Edward had much to do apart from the cricket which Takuto did very well. His singing voice is excellent.

Warning: Tsukasa is my favourite actor, and I am very biased

Taguchi Tsukasa as Maurice Cole

Tsukasa was AMAZING as Maurice. He played the changes in his character so well and even though he’s not a very nice person I felt really bad for him during his breakdown as Tsukasa’s scream was heart wrenching. When he was pretending, he felt so light and sweet and then when he was being his normal self he dropped down his voice and even changed his accent slightly as well as changing the way he would stand and walk. Ngl I was not paying too much attention to other people when he was in the scene and I don’t know if it’s just because I’m biased or because his command of the stage is that good but I really felt his stage presence. I loved the way he repeated 2 O’clock to Edgar and the others and how he mirrored the way he did it with Ciel and all the subtleties to his acting were great. He didn’t get to sing very much but he sounded really good.

Fukuzawa Yu as Cheslock

Apart from Tsukasa I think Yu was my favourite in this show. He brought so much energy to Cheslock and I don’t mean making the character energetic, just that he always has so much power and feeling behind his lines and he was so good and cool! He had good command of the stage and worked so well with Dai to be the one the stands out and the one that fades into the shadows. He mostly rapped so I don’t remember his singing voice very much.

Uchino Fuuto as Joanne Harcourt

Fuuto didn’t really stand out to me very much and I don’t think he had very much to do. His singing voice was pretty good.

Hayakawa Iori as Macmillan

He served his part in the story well and was very cute and energetic which I liked. He kinda reminded me of doll a little. His singing voice was pretty good.

Yamaguchi Kooki as Derek Arden

He wasn’t in very much of the show but he played his part very well and even though we got so little of him being unpleasant the way he played it made me hate Derek immediately. I don’t think he got any solo singing bits?

Takahashi Shunichi as Johann Agares

He filled his role very well. The most impressive thing was his falling from the stairs, I was very worried he was going to hurt himself, so I was really glad he was okay as he went from pretty high considering there were lower stairs. His singing voice was good.

Songs: I really love Yu(vague) the composer of the show and he is my favourite music composer. I think he did a really good job with the songs on the whole. I think he did well making them seem different and new yet familiar.

Opening song – 7/10

I think this song was a good opener. I wasn’t too sure about it at first, but it got better as the song went on. Toshi’s voice didn’t sound to be working with the song at first but since he sounded fine later, I think it was just his voice wavering at first from nerves so I’m excited to see what he’s like in the last show. I like how they did short recaps of the previous shows from Lycoris to Campania so the fans are caught up on what has happened, especially since it becomes important when Undertaker comes back with the dolls at the end.

2nd song, I think it’s called ‘It’s perfect black’ – 8/10

I really like this song. I think it is a nice scene setter and is very well sung by everyone. The dance works well and kinda brings Druitt’s dancing to mind with some of it. The song features the full cast and is effectively the Pawn and Sword song of this show.

Welcome to Weston song – 10/10

My first 10/10 song. I really love this song and I already can sing along to it. I love the prefects singing and that the others sing the chorus for them. (Also partly love it for its reprise but I’ll get to that later) I love how rigid and together it sounds. By that I mean that everyone is singing their lines as quite cutting and the harmonies are very crisp. Everyone is perfectly in time and there is no deviation. The rigidness shows the formality and tradition of the school which is reinforced by the students marching around the stage to get to the places. This is the case for everyone except the prefects who have more flowy lines and they walk a lot more freely showing the school’s hierarchy. I also love the prefects pushing Ciel around and surrounding him which foreshadows how he his treated.

Only Prefect Four – 9/10

I might be slightly biased as a Mankai stage fan as this song sounds so like a Mankai stage song but I love it so much. It would be 10/10 but I think their harmonies at the end could be a bit tighter. I think the soft and flowery and upbeat music works really well after the last song. Kinda indicating that the prefects live in a different world to the rest of the school which kinda serves as storytelling so that later when they’re so surprised by Derek’s actions it makes sense as they feel kinda separate from everyone else and it makes sense that they wouldn’t know what was going on in the rest of the school. I also love how they each get their solo bits which tell you stuff about the characters. Edgar’s dance is really reminiscent of Druitt which I really love. Herman’s music is a lot less flowy with a base note and the dance, using cricket bats, really gives off an image of strength. Lawrence’s mixes classical music into the instrumental and it has a more traditional feel. The dance involves a lot of stepping and stopping showing a formulaic approach rather than being flowy or strong. Gregory’s music has a grand feeling to it and it goes lower. Gregory doesn’t move much while Cheslock is doing some hip-hop dancing next to him. And instead of singing a solo section he talks about how he wants to go to bed.

Yes, my lord – 10/10

My favourite song in this show. It shows Ciel being told to do things and him passing his chores to Sebastian and Sebastian getting more and more annoyed with him, even breaking and calling him a brat at one point. The upbeat tone is quite fun and it works really well as a montage song. I like how it goes from Ciel saying ‘Yes, Clayton-senpai’ (senpai is a polite suffix for names of people who are higher up than you) to dropping senpai to just saying yes then turning to Sebastian. It really showcases brat Ciel.

Soma’s song – 10/10

His song is all about being Ciel’s friend and it’s really cute and energetic. The outfits from Soma’s song in Circus and brought back and it has a similar instrumental to his song there. He messes around a lot more in this song, though. Even though he is now much older than Sho was when he played Soma through this song he feels far more youthful through the more relaxed choreography and the energetic music.

Ominous prefect song – 9/10

This song is so cool. I really like the sharp shapes being projected onto the back with lilac light and the softly ominous instrumentals. (it comes right after Edgar mentions ‘the secret of what happened that day’). The vice-principal walking around at the back is really interesting as it looks like he is monitoring them. And the other students walking around with lanterns gives the song an almost supernatural feel. And then Undertaker peeking out from the back at the end gives a more direct hint of what is going on.

Nightmare, opening reprise – 8/10

This is just a reprise of the 1st song but I like it a bit better because it is shorter and the choreography of the cultists surrounding Ciel’s bed is really nice.

The Headmaster’s decision – 10/10

I like the fast pace of this song as Ciel runs around to ask about Derek and keeps just being told it was the headmaster’s decision. The students moving and singing together, then encircling him reinforces Ciel’s feeling like there’s a secret that everyone knows but isn’t telling him. I also like the use of Derek’s actor walking around the stage, always just beyond their sight from where they are.

Cricket song, last song of Act 1 – 6/10

This song is good it’s just not super enthralling. I think it’s probably the weakest pre-interval song out of the Kuromyus. At the beginning Sebastian and Ciel’s mics got really quiet for some reason and the instrumental was a bit louder than them. It’s a nice gentle and weirdly happy and hopeful instrumental which is a bit at odds with the past two ominous songs and I can’t decide if I like that or not. Also, I think the harmonies are a bit off so hopefully that will be better by the final performance. A lot of the singers sound like they have tension in their voices so I think they were all pretty anxious for this song. I do like the song and it might go up a bit if they can get the harmonies in the final show because they got almost none of them in this show. (The one that they did get sounded really good though)

INTERVAL

Cricket tournament – 9/10

While the previous song was also more upbeat than the ominous songs I don’t think it worked due to being directly afterwards, as the first song of Act 2 I quite like that’s it’s more energetic as it gets you hyped for the 2nd Act. This is the song that some Tenimyu, Prince of tennis musical, fans are saying was inspired by Tenimyu. And I will say, it was 100% inspired by Tenimyu XD. Yana-sensei is a fan of Prince of tennis and Shogo, Herman’s actor, was cast in a role very similar to his Prince of tennis role then the Green Lion section literally has lines that are exactly the same as lines from the team Shogo was in. Also, the music during their bit is actually somewhat reminiscent of the music that team normally has.

[Yu(vague) is so good at changing types of music during songs ahh, the Green Lion to Scarlett Fox transition is just so good.]

Honestly, this song would be a 7 or 8 out of 10 without the Violet Wolf part bc omg that part slaps so hard. Gregory and Cheslock high-five and the music just switches to electronic disco music and they rap most of their bit. I love it so much.

Sapphire Owl’s bit is cool too.

Scarlett vs Sapphire Cricket match – 6/10

It’s pretty good. Solid song but isn’t too exciting. Soma’s solo bit is really cute. Main thing letting it down is the ‘It’s cricket’ refrain that is in all three match songs. I was already done with it after like 30 seconds in this song and this song doesn’t have anything else lifting it above like the others do.

Violet vs Green Cricket match – 8/10

Cricket match as a rap battle. I dunno why Violet House became a rap house but I love it and I love Cheslock rapping about his awesome pitch. Then he and Herman having a rap battle is just so fun. I don’t know if this is as fun to Black Butler fans who know the characters a lot better or whether it would be uncomfortable but I had a blast in this song.

Sapphire vs Green Cricket match – 7/10

I really like the beginning instrumental and the short song bit at the very beginning of the song but the refrain hit again so it couldn’t go above a 7 for me.

Victory song – 6/10

Not a bad song but I don’t think the harmonies were there for this one and so I’m excited to see it in the last show again and hear if they improve.

Weston Reprise – 10/10

Oh my god I love this reprise so much. At first it sounds very like the original song then as the prefects slightly lose it as they realise what they have done it becomes more out of sync and the music quietens and it sounds more acapella and they sound slightly like they’re losing it due to the horror of what has happened. And the scratchiness of Gregory’s voice making it sound like he’s going to cry really reinforces that they are just children and they cannot deal with something like this.

Fight song – 7/10

I love the Undertaker taking Ciel to the side and staring at him crazily and singing at him. Again, I could hear Toshi’s nerves and I hope that he can sing the song better in the final show. I really love the Undertaker and Sebastian’s duet though and I think their voices sound really good together and I love the blood refrain in the song.

Finale song – 7/10

A pretty short but solid refrain of ‘It’s Perfect Black’

Direction: I thought the direction overall was pretty solid. There wasn’t anything really innovative attempted I don’t think but I didn’t really feel like there was anything lacking.

Overall: I really loved this show and look forward to seeing the final show and I think this show set up the new cast well for future shows.

Do I recommend buying the stream and DVD?

If you are a fan of 2.5D, any of these actors or Black Butler I really recommend trying to see this show. (The final show with be on 4th April on theatre-complex.jp and you can buy a ticket with just a vpn) While it is very different I feel like it was fairly faithful to its roots but is also trying to grow into something new.

Lastly: If you have any questions about the show, any parts, any songs or about any of the actors feel free to drop me an ask and let’s talk about it!

[novelconcepts]

For your prompt consideration, Owen and Jamie both mentioned having bad dreams that brought them back to the lake that night. What about a little scene where Jamie tells Dani what drew her back to Bly that night to find her and Flora in the lake?

“What brought you back?” 

It’s been days--two, Jamie thinks, though time seems to be unraveling in a way unique to grief--since the lake. Since finding Dani with a foreign color in one eye, a child in her arms, a shiver in her bones no amount of firewood seems able to coax out again. It’s been days, and she hasn’t been able to bring herself to leave Dani’s side. 

Dani doesn’t fight her. Dani, instead, seems magnetized in some fresh way, always finding her way back to Jamie no matter the situation. Jamie returns from the kitchen with mugs of hot tea she nearly splashes on the both of them when Dani shifts out of a shadow, hugging herself with nervous intensity. Jamie moves toward the front door and finds Dani waiting outside in a jean jacket and vacant stare, wondering if Jamie can find something for her to do with her hands. She can’t sit still, it seems, unless Jamie is holding her--and even then, she can’t stop shaking. 

She hasn’t asked many questions. Hasn’t spoken much, except when spoken to by one of the kids, by Wingrave asking dazedly for advice on tiny matters around the house. Things that should have been Hannah’s purview, or Owen’s--things that should, in a world that makes any kind of sense, still belong to their flirtatious grins, their genial banter, their soft way of moving around one another in a constant orbit. 

Dani answers politely, matter-of-factly, and when Jamie moves slightly out of reach, she seems to drift as though under a power not entirely her own until her hand can slide into Jamie’s once more. 

It’s on the second--or possibly third--day that she asks it. “What brought you back?” Her voice holds that same level, matter-of-fact tone from telling Flora to brush her teeth, telling Miles to tie his shoe before he stumbles. “What brought you back that night?”

Jamie hums to buy time, gazing at the ceiling. They’re wrapped close in Dani’s bed--what Jamie has come all too quickly to think of as their bed, uninterested in going back to the cold quiet of her own flat ever again, so long as Dani needs her--as the hours drift from late to midnight. Dani’s head is on her chest, Dani’s hand closed tight around her t-shirt as though holding Jamie in place with nothing more than her own urgency. 

“Told you. Had a dream.”

“You said that,” Dani says quietly. “But it...I mean, it doesn’t make sense, right? A dream. Dreams are weird.”

“They are.”

“They don’t usually force you out of bed and into the car.”

Jamie sighs. “It...you’ll think I’m...” She can’t finish the sentence. Can’t say that final word, which has been haunting Dani since the moment they met, and seems only to have tightened its hold on her life since the lake. 

Dani raises her head very slightly, her smile nowhere near meeting her eyes. “Crazy?”

“It was a dream,” Jamie repeats. “A nightmare, I guess. Nothin’ more.”

“But you came.”

You needed me. Not that there was any way to know that. Not that there was any reason to assume that. She’d gone to bed that night after a cold shower, face in her hands as she’d relished the memory of Dani asking her to stay. The memory of Dani’s kiss, her hands pressing Jamie close, her urgent hope so clear, Jamie still isn’t sure how she’d denied Dani its power. 

“It sounded like Hannah,” she says now, slowly, each word fragmented in her mouth. It hurts to think of Hannah--of Hannah saying, “Not you, oh, not you. What are you doing here?”--of Hannah’s eyes huge and screaming in her normally-serene face. It hurts, to remember the way Hannah had looked at them, and how Jamie hadn’t even had time to reach out to her, hadn’t even been able to pause to consider what might turn Hannah from the elegant woman of her memory to this terrified version stumbling out of the dark. 

“The dream,” Dani presses. Her hand traces Jamie’s collar, her fingers light on Jamie’s skin. Jamie shivers, does not reach to stop her, and Dani keeps going--trailing the backs of her fingers up Jamie’s neck, her nails along the line of Jamie’s jaw, as if memorizing Jamie in this tactile method is the only thing keeping her in this bed. 

“It sounded like Hannah screaming,” Jamie says, and closes her eyes. “Have you ever heard Hannah scream?”

Dani shakes her head once, thumb swiping across Jamie’s chin, fingers splaying along her cheek. Jamie closes her eyes tighter. 

“Nor I. Not once in three years of knowin’ her. But she was screaming in this dream--like she couldn’t breathe right. Like something had her by the throat and...and she was shouting for us both. Me and Owen.”

Dani sits up, watching her steadily. That brown eye is eerie even still, though each hour sets it more firmly into her face, tries a little harder to convince Jamie it’s always been a part of Dani Clayton. She swallows, lets Dani’s hand continue its play up the planes of her face, stroking along her lips, her nose, the curve of cheekbone. 

“She was screaming, and I was running, and the lake was...everywhere. Had come up off its banks somehow--I thought maybe a storm had...dunno, but it was creeping up to the house. And I just kept thinking...just kept seeing your room. This room. Underwater.”

It hadn’t been Dani’s room, then, though--not if she’s honest with herself, not if she tries to call the dream back like a film gone in reverse. It hadn’t been Dani’s room yet, this horribly sunken version of bed and nightstand and lamp. 

It had been Rebecca, hadn’t it? Rebecca, wrapped around herself with nothing more to hang onto. Rebecca, staring with horrified eyes up into the lapping waves as they drew ever nearer. 

Trauma, thinks Jamie, does funny things. Plays funny tricks on a person. She can’t forget Rebecca’s body in that lake, even now, facedown in that black dress. She can’t forget the drift of her hair, the boneless sprawl of her limbs, the horrible bloated cast to her skin. 

What horrors will Hannah wreck from beyond the grave, she worries. What will Hannah visit upon her, that final lasting image of a woman at the bottom of a well? 

“I knew,” she says hollowly. “In the dream, I knew if the water got to you before I did...if you went under before I could...and I’d promised you, Dani, I’d just promised you there would be other--”

Dani’s fingers press to her lips, stilling the words before they can stumble and rattle over one another. Before she can begin to rave, the horror of dark and cold and impossible threading into a net that might drag her under. 

“A dream,” Dani says softly. “It was a dream.”

It was, Jamie wants to say, and it wasn’t. It was Hannah. Somehow. Because hadn’t Owen, on the other end of the phone, blustered the same? Hadn’t Owen said, “This is gonna sound--but Hannah--Hannah’s underwater, Hannah’s drowning, we have to go back--”

“A dream,” she says shakily, and knows she’ll never be able to forget it. Not the insistent creep of black water up over rosebushes, tumbling statues, tracing hungry fingers beneath the doors of the manor. Not the way Dani’s room had rocked like a ship unmoored as it had filled higher and higher, Dani’s horrified eyes reflected in a lake that had no business climbing past its bounds. 

“Had to do it,” she says. “Had to get to you before...”

Dani surges in, kisses her, agony and affection mingling in a moment that catches Jamie before she can drift. She finds herself clinging to Dani as one clings to a life raft, hands in Dani’s hair, mouth opening to accept whatever Dani can offer tonight. Dani feels so solid, even when her gaze is a million miles away. Dani’s hands are so real, even while her voice trembles and her bones shake beneath paper-thin flesh. 

“Just a dream,” Dani repeats, half a moan, like banishing a campfire horror. “Just a dream, just a dream, just a--”

Jamie sinks into her, eyes closed, understanding there are some wishes too big to be granted. Too truths too true to accept. Just a dream--and just the future, somehow, knocking on a door I won’t open. Not ever. Not with her standing with me on the other side. 

Hannah’s voice is banished by Dani’s kiss now, by the slide and rock of Dani’s body fitting against her own. Hannah’s screams are put to bed, replaced by Dani’s breath in her ear, Dani’s acceptance of every inch Jamie is able to give. 

They will be back, Jamie thinks. Little by little. Less and less. To some degree or another, they will be back. She’ll never entirely forget that night. 

In a way, she’s grateful. This final rescue at the hands of Hannah Grose. This final protective ward cast over the house to which she’d given so much. 

She only hopes Hannah knew, before it all went dark, she’d saved them all. 

[stranger-who-writes-fiction]

Ya know what these self-indulgent Supergirl: Woman of Tomorrow posts need? Self-indulgent banner art, that’s what.

Spoilers for issue #4!

Let’s start this off right with CREATOR CREDITS. Issue 4 of Supergirl: Woman of Tomorrow is titled “Restraint, Endurance, and Passion.” Written by Tom King, Art by Bilquis Evely, Colors by Matheus Lopes, Letters by Clayton Cowles, and Edited by Brittany Holzherr. (w/ Assist. Editor: Bixie Mathieu & Senior Editor Mike Cotton)

THE STORY: 

Right, so this? This issue? Best one yet.

Also the bleakest of the bunch thus far; even though we don’t always see the brutality of the space pirates that Kara and Ruthye are following, there’s...the suggestion of it. The aftermath. And how Kara responds to it.

Okay, getting a little ahead of myself. BASIC PLOT SUMMARY: Ruthye and Kara continue their pursuit of Krem, who has taken up with Barbond’s Brigands.

The Brigands basically just. Murder and terrorize people, for profit.

Each planet they visit brings new horrors, as well as people who need Supergirl’s help.

And help she does.

KARA-CTERIZATION:

I yell a lot about the art on this book, and have, in fact, openly admitted that I’m primarily here for Evely and Lopes.

Well, that wily son-of-a-gun King went and wrote some of the best ‘Super’ stuff I’ve ever read and dang it, dang it, now I gotta yell about the words too. XD

Specifically, I wanna yell (in a good way!) about some words that occur towards the very end of the book.

Kara and Ruthye have Seen Some Things; things like genocide and mass grave sites and horrible violence, and upon reaching a planet where peaceful monks were slaughtered, Kara’s had enough, and needs to leave because if she screams, she’ll destroy what little is left of the monks’ monastery.

Here’s the text in full, because my gosh. It’s so good:

“What I write next I write based on my observations in those long-ago days at the side of the greatest warrior in the history of this august reality we all call home. It is important to note that my assertions do not rely on anything Supergirl said. It was not a subject we ever discussed or even approached, but nonetheless I believe it to be as true as the turning of worlds. You see, what is not well understood about the daughter of Krypton is that her power was not one of action but one of restraint, endurance, and passion. She did not choose to fire a beam from her eyes, or have breath of ice, or run faster than a speeding bullet. Or any of her other well-documented miracles. No, she held back her heat vision to look you in the face. She warmed her breath to converse with you. She slowed herself to walk by your side. Ever moment of every day, she suppressed the forces churning inside of her. All of the energy of a dead world that strained against her many barriers, eternally demanded to be released. I believe this effort hurt her. I believe she lived her life in pain. But I reiterate again, for I think it important enough to repeat--These beliefs are based on my time at her side, watching her as she moved through strife and sorrow. If you were to have asked her, I have little doubt she would have claimed that such as assertion was absurd. She would say she felt fine and well and then she’d as you if you needed any help.”

A long chunk of words, I know (this comic is DENSE!) but like. This is it. This is one of the defining attributes of the Supers--all that raw power at their disposal and they choose to help people, to be kind, to suppress that power for the benefit and safety of others.

HNNNNNNNG.

Hope, Help, and Compassion for All.

Whole lotta folks claimed at the outset of this book that King did not understand Kara, that he was a bad fit. And that may be so, I suppose--there’s a whole other discussion about like. The violence and swearing and ‘does that belong in a Supergirl book?’ But the characterization? Getting that Kara and Clark are just good people? 

King gets it. He got it in Superman: Up in the Sky and he gets it here, in Woman of Tomorrow.

Other things King gets! Kara is stubborn! Kara is passionate! Kara is going to fix things, even if the effort of doing so hurts her, physically, emotionally, and mentally!

(Fuuuuuuun fact for the crowd saying that Woman of Tomorrow is vastly superior to the CW show: TV Kara is ALSO all of those things! King isn’t pulling this stuff out of thin air. It’s almost like...gosh. I don’t know! Both the show and Tom King are pulling from the character’s comic history, or something!!!! HOW NOVEL.) 

Like, seriously. There’s a lot of overlap. Stop pitting Karas against each other!

Anyways!

I promised art, so here is art!

Oh, right, forgot to mention, Kara literally THROWS HERSELF INTO THE SUN to express her grief and anger, so as to not cause that unnecessary destruction. She gives new meaning to the phrase: Set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. 

More art yelling: GOTTDAMN, the way Evely draws Kara just colliding with the surface of the sun and then the way Kara’s hair like...becomes the flames...

I am FEELING FEELINGS. HOW DARE.

Also, props to King and Cowles; King for deciding to have that initial scream, Cowles for the way the letters burst forth from the point of impact on the sun, and then back to King who decided that it would just be...devastating silent screaming from Kara, for the remainder of the scene. 

Back to the characterization, I just wanted to highlight something I mentioned...earlier on, I think? In these posts? But haven’t brought up recently, and that is how this book has not once brought up Zor-El, and I think Superman only got a quick mention in issue 2.

Honestly, I think that’s gotta be some kind of record.

It’s so refreshing. Not because I think there should never be mentions of Clark, or anything--I love that boy--but because so much of modern Supergirl comic drama is mined from the same like, angsting over her place compared to Clark, or her crazy sometimes-a-supervillain dad. 

There is no Clark and Kara drama here, no manufactured friction, because it’s just. A cool Supergirl story! 

Gonna keep going, but let’s do it with some more...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTT!!!!

Once again, Mat Lopes is all over the dang place with his palettes, it’s marvelous.

Each new planet gives Evely the opportunity to go hog wild on the worldbuilding and design, and similarly! Each new locale is an opportunity for Lopes to set the tone with colors. Like, here, towards the beginning of the book, we’ve got a planet bathed in this warm, pale yellow/orange light. 

(Quick note: “Sure, yeah, I get it. We all have our duties. And it’s mine as a neighbor to do what I can to help you with yours. Please.” A+ Kara content. We love to see it. And then locating the remains of the alien’s daughter, so that they can go visit the grave site and have some emotional closure???? It’s just. So. Touching.)

Anyways, back to colors.

Like!!!! LOOK AT THAT JUMP. From the soft, almost pastoral feel of the delicate oranges and yellows to HARD GREEN, PINK, AND PURPLE. (Difficult colors to pull off in print, I might add.) 

(This is also an interesting scene, character-wise, because I think it helps re-contextualize some earlier stuff with Kara. Like, I’m mostly thinking that incident on the bus, where she was swearing at the passengers as the space dragon was about to destroy them. Here, we see Kara kind of...goad this alien woman into releasing her pent up emotions by yelling at her/getting her to fight, and you can clearly see at the end of it that Kara did not mean the things she said, because check this out:

She goes and gives her a hug once the woman is able to finally cry.

It’s not ‘Kara is being mean, Kara is swearing at her’, it’s, ‘Kara has an unorthodox solution to a problem, and she’s gonna FIX that problem, NO MATTER WHAT.’

Circling back to the bus thing--again, that could be an instance of ‘unorthodox approach to a weird situation that Kara is going to handle because lives are at stake.’)

But also, DIG THAT KIRBY KRACKLE, BAY-BEEEEE!

And a little Strange Adventures easter egg! The Pykkts! 

(I think those guys are unique to the Black Label series, rather than deep Adam Strange lore, but don’t quote me on that.)

Moving on to YET ANOTHER PALETTE, one I’ve dubbed, ‘Treasure Planet Purple/Grey’

Love Ruthye’s snoozing against the door, waiting for Kara.

Also, just as striking as the colors of the environment, are the colors used on Kara. 

If you compare this page with the previous one, Kara’s eyes are a paler shade of blue, and the red-rimmed look on her eyes here is not as intense as the red-rimmed look we saw back in issue one, when she was confronting Krem. 

All of which to say! There’s a pale, haunted quality to both the linework and the colors. Like. We know Kara has Seen Some Things. But she’s shoving all that stuff down to protect Ruthye, to save Krypto, and to stop these monsters, and you get all of that WITH COLORS AND LINES ON A PAGE.

I love it, I love it so much.

OTHER BOOKS WISH THEY HAD THIS LEVEL OF CHARACTER ACTING, I TELL YA! THEY WISH THEY HAD THIS BEAUTIFUL ALCHEMY OF INKER, COLORIST, AND WRITER WORKING IN SUCH TIGHT TANDEM!

Ahem. XD

Alright, last bit of art, lest I just. Post the whole issue in here. (Which I’m honestly always tempted to do but Strong Feelings about Piracy hold me back.)

JUST HECKIN’ LOOK AT THAT BLUE, MAN. JUST LOOK AT IT. S’BEAUTIFUL.

And more stunning character acting from Evely. Like. Bottom middle panel. The expression, the tilt of her head and the shadows on her eyes...

*insert silent flailing here*

Oh, also, KRYPTO LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVESSSS (for now). 

I’m never right about these things, so I’m glad the one time I’ve correctly read a thing is when it involves Krypto not, ya know. Being dead. XD

Also absolutely love that Kara’s instinct is to send Ruthye home to protect her--once more leaning into that whole, ‘I’m going to protect you, even at great cost to myself’, though of course we know that she can’t send her home, not here, not now, just halfway through our journey. 

ERRRRRRGH, so mad we’re not getting twelve issues of this! CURSE YOU, POOR SUPERGIRL TRADE SALES! CURSE YOOOOOOU!

That said, King’s pacing? Has been phenomenal. I feel like Strange Adventures and even Mr. Miracle kinda...I’m not gonna say dragged, that’s not quite right. But it is more build up, I guess. Takes a while to get to the payoff.

Here, I think King is pushing things steadily along as he doesn’t have the benefit of an additional four issues, so he has to get to the point, so to speak. Keeps everything moving.

SOME FINAL, MISC. STUFF:

I’ve sort of glossed over the darker stuff from this issue, and I just wanna note that like. This is a book that features a bad guy getting stoned (in the death sentence way, not the drug way) on panel. Like. I can’t recommend this to children.

I can’t even really recommend it to some other Supergirl fans, because I know that the King elements will be too off-putting. 

It never feels like the book is going too far, though. At least in like an...exploitative way? If that makes sense?

The violence is handled with discretion, I guess is what I’m trying to convey. This could very easily tip over into like, gross shock factor territory, if not handled well, but I think the creative team pulls it off.

...Still wouldn’t hand this book to kids, though. XD

As mentioned, we’re halfway through this series! Can’t wait to see where it goes--every time I think I have this book figured out, it surprises me. So, like. Bring on the Dinosaur planet! With no sunlight! I wanna see how Lopes handles THAT. XD

(But Oh, OooooOOooh, we gotta wait until NOVEMBER.)

(Hhhnnnnng!)

(Then again, maybe that’s good; we’ve got the TV show in the meantime, and then once it ends we can pick right up with new Supergirl content just a few weeks later.)

(...Aw. Made myself a little sad, thinking about the TV show coming to an end.)

:C

So as not to end on that sad note, here once again is tiny, smushed Kara:

Give ‘em the ol razzle dazzle.

[roman-writing]

the spectres vain (1/2)

Fandom: The Haunting of Bly Manor

Pairing: Dani Clayton / Jamie / Viola Lloyd

Rating: M

Wordcount: 5,553

Summary: She had said before, ‘so many people mix up love and possession,’ and now years later she wondered if that was the reason why they had been given so much time. That maybe Viola thought this was love. That maybe she loved this. Loved her. Love them. 

Content Advisory: spoilers and horror. Also (eventual) ghost sex.

read it here on AO3 or you can read it below the break

“What is a ghost? Something dead that seems to be

alive. Something dead that doesn’t know it’s dead.

A painting, for instance. An abstraction.” 

    - 'landscape with fruit rot and millipede’, Richard Silken

 -

For as long as Jamie had known her, Dani had never liked having her picture taken. Whenever a camera would be pointed in her direction, it were as though the lens were the long blued barrel of a rifle. She would flinch and try to cover it up with a laugh or cough or some other small action -- like scratching at her neck -- even as she continued ducking her head to one side. 

Jamie lowered the polaroid. The flash had already gone off and the print was sliding out. She grabbed the end and yanked it free. “Sorry,” she said with a grimace, even as she waved the film like a fan in a futile attempt to make the slip develop faster.

“It’s okay,” said Dani.

“I’d just like some more pictures of us to go around the apartment, you know?” 

“Yeah, no, it’s okay. I get it.” 

Jamie stopped fanning herself with the square slip of film and was now squinting down at the image that was beginning to take form. “Christ, Poppins.”

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Dani asked. And despite her earlier camera-shyness, she had lowered her hand from her throat and was now peering at the film with a look that was equal parts curious and apprehensive. 

Jamie flipped the film between her fingers to show her. “You move too much,” she said with a grin, followed by a recriminating cluck of her tongue. 

With a furrow of her brow, Dani shuffled over and leaned forward to get a better look. Jamie sidled closer so that they could study at the photo together, their shoulders brushing so that Jamie could feel the scratchy wool of Dani’s jumper against her upper arm. 

The film took form slowly. The grey mistiness parted like a veil being lifted over a bride’s head to reveal the Dani of just moments ago. She had been caught mid-motion. The effect was that of two figures blurred together -- one standing straight, the other ducked down and clutching her hands to her chest, arms lifting to ward off an incoming blow. In the odd half-light of the morning, she almost looked like two entirely different people, their faces smudged beyond all recognition.

Jamie sighed and handed the photo over. “Ah, well. I tried.”

Dani took the film in both hands, pinching the white edge between thumbs and fingers. “I’m sorry,” she breathed down at the image. 

“Nah. It’s alright.” Jamie nudged Dani’s shoulder with her own, and winked. She waggled the camera in her other hand. “Just means I’ll have to take loads more.”

Lowering the photograph, Dani rolled her eyes, but smiled nonetheless. 

 -

They went on a honeymoon. At least, that’s what they called it, though there was no official wedding per se. Just a party, a gathering of their scant few friends and none of their family. The moment Jamie had mentioned her own shithead family in relation to the party, Dani’s face had gone pale as a sheet, and that was that. No family allowed. Especially not Dani’s. 

Honestly that suited Jamie just fine. There was nobody to make a fuss. Nobody to ruin the reception party -- no more than a private dinner affair with too much wine and champagne and cheap yet filling finger-food. The kind she could always make room for even after she was full. The perfectly boring not-wedding, to be honest. And Jamie was always unflaggingly honest. 

The honeymoon wasn’t more than a mountain retreat to a cabin nestled in autumnal woods. A small place. No sprawling manor house here. Just a private retreat where they could be alone together for a week or two.

Driving up to the cabin, it wasn't much, but it was still exactly what Jamie had imagined.

Except for the lake. They hadn't mentioned that in the brochures.

"Fuck," Jamie swore, slaming on the brakes and throwing the car into neutral, where the engine idled. "Shit. I'm so sorry. They didn't say -"

"It's fine," Dani insisted, but her eyes were fixed upon the body of water.

"We can go somewhere else. C'mon. I'll take us back to that town an hour back, and we can -"

Dani grabbed her hand where it gripped the steering wheel and squeezed. "Hey," she said softly, and she pulled her eyes away from the lake so she could look over at Jamie and offer a reassuring smile. "It's okay. Really."

In this light, her mismatched eyes were even more apparent. The early afternoon sun slanted across her face so that she was haloed by the gold of her hair, and her eye was blue and clear as water. The other was another matter. Jamie tried not to look too hard at that one. That wasn't her.

Breathing in deeply, Jamie nodded. She looked back out over the dash and through the windscreen. Their interlocked fingers were reflected in the tilted glass. She could feel Dani stroking a cold thumb across her knuckles. Her hands were always cold these days. Not like before. Now, Jamie had to be heat enough for both of them.

"Alright." Jamie grasped Dani's hand, lifted it up, then brought it gently back down atop the steering wheel. Then she slipped her hand free and turned the key in the ignition. The engine puttered to a halt. Jamie whirled the keys around one finger so that they clicked snugly against her palm. She offered Dani a puckish grin. "Let's go, then. I'm dying to see what mediocrity awaits us inside."

Dani gave a huff of laughter. "I'm sure it'll be lovely."

But Jamie was already kicking open the door and stepping out of the pickup. Leaves crunched under the worn soles of her boots. The air was brisk but the sun was warm. The lake steamed in the afternoon light. Licks of white curling from the smooth glassy surface. Jamie glared at the picturesque scene in suspicion as she began hauling their luggage into the cabin.

Water was trouble. And trouble was the last thing she wanted on a trip like this.

 -

As it turned out, she had worried herself over nothing. She never so much as caught Dani staring wistfully over at the nearby lake, only a stone's throw from the steps leading to the back entrance of the cabin. They didn't talk about the water at all, and it was too cold at this time of year to be so bold as to venture for a dip.

Indeed, the only things Dani seemed to want to do was relax and eat and fuck, which -- all things considered -- Jamie was not going to complain about. 

On the second day she wandered into the cabin after a walk to find Dani lying in the sunshine draped across the floor of their little cabin. Dani arched against her clothes, as if luxuriating in the feel of fabric against her skin. When she heard Jamie's footsteps, Dani opened her eyes and tilted her head back against the rug to look at her.

Awash in light, she was magnetic. Like something painted. Jamie could feel her own hand drifting to the camera hanging from her neck from when she had been taking pictures of the local flora on a short walk outside. She snapped a picture, the camera reeled noisily, and Dani blinked muzzily at her.

"Come here," Dani murmured, stretching out her arms.

And, well. Jamie couldn't resist an invitation like that. She set the camera aside and let herself be drawn down to the floor for a tumble. Dani tasted like warmth and sunlight, and Jamie was so caught up in the feel of her skin that she didn't even remember she had taken a photo. 

It wasn't until later that evening, when she emerged from the only bedroom to fix them the dinner they had forgotten to eat -- wearing naught but a long flannel that brushed her thighs -- that Jamie saw the square slip of self-developing film forgotten on the kitchen table. She changed route from the fridge and wandered over. Tilting her head to one side, she plucked up the picture and tugged it free from the polaroid. 

The picture had long since developed, but still the image was slightly out of focus. It was light-drenched and overexposed. The brightness had washed out any distinguishing features, until Dani was a mere human shape sprawled across a patch of pale glass, like a body floating on water. 

Lips pursed, Jamie chucked the picture into the bin and got on with making eggs and beans on toast for dinner. The scent of food drew Dani out. Like a sleuthhound she was. Her hair was glorious and sex-mussed. She was wrapped in nothing but a blanket. She came up behind Jamie and draped her arms over Jamie’s shoulders. 

Jamie flipped an egg in the sizzling pan. “You’re going to set that blanket on fire.”

“Mmm,” said Dani, kissing at Jamie’s neck, pressed all up against her back. 

Tilting her head to one side, Jamie set the frying pan onto a cold burner and turned all the dials to zero. Her smile faded. Her brow furrowed in confusion. She could clearly see Dani’s hands clasped at her collarbone, yet Jamie could feel another set of hands settling over her hips. Cold fingers dug in and gripped her into place.

Dani dragged her teeth against Jamie’s neck and whispered, “Come back to bed.” 

There was no denying her when she used that voice. Jamie felt herself being pulled away from the stove top by two sets of hands, like an unwary comet being sucked into a wicked undertow by some greater body’s gravity.

 -

It was on a night when it was Dani's turn to cook that Jamie pulled out a box from their luggage. It was an opulent navy blue with a gold logo emblazoned across the top. She hid it behind her back as she approached the cabin's little kitchen. The sound of sizzling greeted her, and a great bubbling of vegetables or perhaps a cauldron. Dani had her shirtsleeves haphazardly rolled up beyond her elbow. Her back was to Jamie, and she didn't so much as glance around when Jamie approached.

"Dinner will be ready soon. I promise," Dani said while stirring the pot. "Just a few more minutes. Hey, can you set the table for me, please?"

"Can't. Sorry. My hands are full."

"Huh?" Dani shot a distracted look over her shoulder at Jamie, turned back to the stovetop, then did a double take.

In Jamie's hands the box was nestled, held out like a propitiation. Dani nearly dropped the wooden spoon onto the ground, and had to turn back and fumble with it and all the dials to turn everything off before she could whirl back around, gripping the front of her oil-flecked apron in both hands.

Jamie opened the box to reveal a golden watch with an ivory face and gold-link chains, and Dani sucked in a sharp breath at the sight.

"Oh, you shouldn't have."

"Yes, I should've."

"But I -" Dani released the front of the apron and gestured helplessly around them. "I didn't get you anything."

"Sure, you did." Jamie held up her left hand and wriggled her fingers. The ring there was impossible to miss.

Dani laughed. "That's different."

"Maybe." Jamie took the watch out from its white velvet pillow and set the case aside. Reaching out, she gently lifted Dani's hand and began draping the metal links over her narrow wrist. "But you make me very happy. Every day. And sometimes -- just once in a while -- I want to give you nice things that I can barely afford. Because capitalism, probably."

At that, Dani snorted with laughter. Even so she had gone all flushed and pink with pleasure. She kept ducking her head and looking away while Jamie locked the links around her wrist, as though she were embarrassed to be receiving such an expensive gift. When Jamie was done and tried to step away, Dani grabbed her gently by the hand and pulled her back closer.

It felt like an unspoken dare, the first time they had kissed. This felt exactly like that. Jamie had already dared to love, and Dani -- well, Dani was bold as brass, really. Her hands drifted to Jamie's waist, pulling them flush together as the kiss deepened.

Smiling, Jamie pulled back just slightly. "What's the rush? I thought you were making tea? Or aren't you hungry?"

Dani nodded, but her eyes were transfixed. "Yeah. Yeah, I am."

Dani always seemed to be hungry these days. Hungry for food. Hungry for sex. As though she were eating and fucking for two appetites instead of merely  her own.

Jamie didn't complain when Dani brought their mouths back together. She stumbled backwards and allowed herself to be guided, step by step, into the nearby bedroom until the backs of her legs hit the mattress, and her knees buckled, and Dani was perched atop her.

Jamie tugged the apron strings free, while Dani fumbled with the button of her jeans. They had done this a hundred times before, and more even. Seven years since Bly, and still not enough time in the world. Still, Jamie could feel her heart race in her chest even as a familiar warmth pooled in her stomach as Dani's hand slipped beneath the waistline of her jeans. 

She was so caught up in the moment -- the shared gasp between them -- Jamie hardly noticed the way Dani’s touch seemed to linger even after she had moved her hands or mouth or tongue. The slide of her touch followed by a colder phantom caress. 

It must have been the glide of gold links. Nothing more.

 -

All through the week and the weeks following, Jamie would spy Dani running her fingertips across the gold watch in a somewhat nervous fashion. Until eventually over time her wrist gleamed with every turn in the light.

 -

Dani claimed to have never ridden a horse in her life, but it was clear from the moment she first swung herself into the saddle that she was a natural.

“Am I missing a strap here? And are my feet supposed to be so low?” Dani asked, shuffling around in the saddle and frowning down at the stirrups. “I feel like they should be higher, or something.”

“That makes two of us,” Jamie grumbled.

“Huh?” 

“Bloody western saddles.”

“Ah,” Dani said, though she still looked confused.

Sighing, Jamie explained, “English style has the stirrups a little higher. Especially if you’re jumping. That’s why you think you need an extra strap. To hold onto. You sure you’ve never done this before?”

Dani shook her head. “No. Never.” 

“Huh.” Jamie gave Dani a once-over. Her form was impeccable. She had shortened the reins to perfection so that the horse’s neck was arched for pageantry. Shrugging, Jamie tugged at the reins, her own dun-coloured horse reluctantly turning its head. “This way, then.”

Dani’s dark bay trotted after to catch up so that they rode side-by-side. “Where are we going?”

“Dunno. Anywhere.” Jamie ducked beneath a wayward branch. “The man said we would come across a split in the path in about twenty minutes. We can follow the trail on the left to a waterfall, or go right for a view of the hills.”

“Right.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said.”

“No, I mean - we should go to the right. On the right trail. I - I like mountains,” Dani added, and it was clear she was pretending not to see the look Jamie was giving her. “Reminds me of home.”

Jamie swayed like a drunk in the saddle as the horse moved beneath her. “Always thought of you as a city girl.”

“Well, yeah,” said Dani. She expertly switched the reins between hands so she could scratch at her neck. “But the northwest coast is never too far away from the mountains. Or the sea.”

“Feeling a bit homesick are we?”

Dani shook her head. “Not really, no. I just think they look nice is all.”

Jamie gave a non-committal hum in reply. 

The day was mist-shrouded and cool, but the morning sun was quickly burning away the low-hanging fog. The trees were a riot of colour, greens and reds and rich ochre golds the colour of Dani’s hair, which had been tied back high on her head. Jamie found herself admiring the way a curl fell against the wool of Dani’s dark-washed peacoat lapel. The surrounding countryside held little interest in comparison.

As surreptitiously as she could, Jamie dug the bulky polaroid from the pocket of her coat. She lifted it and snapped a picture just as Dani was passing beneath a low-hanging branch. 

“What about you?” 

Jamie lifted her eyebrows. “What about me?” she repeated. She tugged the picture free before tucking both it and the camera away once more without waiting to see how the film would develop.

“Waterfall or mountains?” 

Jamie snorted. “Neither. Home was always little towns and rolling hills stinking of coal dust. We don’t have nature where I’m from.”

Dani shot her an exasperated glance. “Oh, so we’re playing that game are we?” 

“‘Course we are! ‘Cause I always win. And I love winning.”

“You do not always win.” 

Jamie gestured to herself and said, “Completely fucked up family followed by a prison sentence.” Then she gestured to Dani. “Clingy dead boyfriend.”

“Fiancé,” Dani corrected her. “And a runaway father. And an alcoholic mother.”

“Big deal. Everyone where I’m from’s an alcoholic. Even the wains.”

“You’re such a liar.” 

“Am not!” Jamie said with mock indignance. 

Dani fixed her with a square-jawed stare, then pointed to herself and said, “Possessed by an evil ghost.” 

Jamie scoffed. “Oh, now that’s cheating.”

“Yeah, I win,” said Dani triumphantly, turning her attention back to the trail their horses were ambling down.

“That’s not fair! How am I supposed to compete with that?” 

“Get possessed by a ghost,” Dani offered blithely, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“Fine.” Jamie pulled back on the reins, drawing her horse to a halt. “I’ll swap with you.” 

“What?” 

“You heard me.”

Dani’s horse had continued taking a few steps, but she guided it sharply back around with nothing but a press of her knees. She stared at Jamie, her expression stricken. Her breath came in plumes from her mouth, and her cheeks were pink from exposure to the chill of the morning air. 

“Jamie,” she breathed softly. “You shouldn’t joke like that.”

Jamie jerked her chin up a fraction as though in a challenge. “Who said anything about joking?”

Dani’s hands tightened around the reins. Her knuckles flashed white and bloodless. “I mean it,” she said, and her voice grew stronger. “You don’t want this."

"That's for me to decide. Just as it was for you back at Bly."

"No. I - I don’t want to risk this. I don’t want to risk you. Or me. Or us.” 

“Have you never considered it?” Jamie asked. “Maybe we could swap her back and forth. Maybe we could buy more time. Maybe she would prefer it, having multiple hosts. Let me help.”

But all while Jamie spoke, Dani was shaking her head and biting her lip. Her eyes seemed unfocused, as though she were looking at something over Jamie’s shoulder in the middle distance. “No. No, it doesn’t work like that. We can’t just -”

“Why not?”

“Jamie, I’m serious. You shouldn’t -”

“Is there some law about supernatural possession that I’m not aware of? Hmm? ‘Can’t trade ghosts,’ it says, does it? Why don’t you even want to try something that might give us a chance?”

"Just -!" Dani had screwed her eyes shut. "Just because!"

"Because why?" Jamie insisted, a dog with a bone.

"Because!"

"Bollocks! Tell me why -!"

“Because she is mine!” 

A group of blackbirds launched into startled flight from the nearby trees. The horses nickered, stomping their hooves uncomfortably, their ears flicking to and fro. Dani’s voice still rang through the air like something dark and raw, hanging in twisted bloodied bits from the branches over them. 

Dani swallowed thickly. Her eyes were wide open now. Her face was pale. Her lower lip trembled. When she spoke her voice was small. “I’m - I’m sorry. I didn’t - That wasn’t -” 

She inhaled deeply and shakily. Her whole face twitched, and her shoulders, and her trembling hands. It seemed as though she were slowly curling in upon herself until she was gripping the saddlehorn, shaking, and gasping for breath. The horse beneath her took hesitant steps backwards, its ears flat against its skull, as though trying to escape the person slumped atop it.

“Hey,” Jamie said weakly, feeling helpless as she watched. 

When Dani began to slip from the saddle and towards the ground, Jamie struggled to dismount, half-falling to the earth and then scrambling away from her own horse, which snorted and balked. It turned tail and dashed back the way they had come, jangling with tack. She rushed over and managed to prop Dani up just in time to keep her from toppling right over. 

“Hey, hey,” Jamie repeated. “I’ve got you. It’s alright. I’ve got you.”

Dani’s eyes were staring wide at nothing, and the reins had slipped from her grasp. “She’s mine,” she was muttering to herself. “She’s mine. She’s - She’s -”

“Okay,” Jame said, keeping one hand on Dani and snatching up the loose reins in the other so that the horse would not dart away. “Okay. She’s yours. She’s yours. Okay?”

Dani was nodding along desperately. She had grabbed onto Jamie’s arm to steady herself. Gradually she managed to straighten, but her shoulders remained hunched. All at once she looked like she had no idea what to do atop a horse, and she fumbled picking up the reins, leaving them slack. When she glanced around, her face fell.

“Oh,” Dani said. “Your horse -”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“But -”

Jamie patted her leg. “I’ll walk back.” For good measure, she grabbed a hold of the loose reins dangling from the horse’s bit, and began leading it round so they could make their way back to the rancher’s stables. “C’mon you,” she chided the horse, when it tugged its head slightly. “None of that, now.”

The ground was soft. Mud speckled the horse’s shod hooves and Jamie’s worn leather boots. Meanwhile Dani rode, utterly silent. In the quiet that descended over them, there returned the sound of wildlife, of chirping birds and the rustle of the wind through the trees. Jamie felt like a servant. Some sort of old timey stable boy, leading her mistress's horse back from a long ride. 

Above her, Dani made an abortive noise in the back of her throat.

Jamie cocked her head to glance over her shoulder, but did not stop. “Something wrong?”

“Apart from the obvious?” Dani asked dryly. Then she tugged the peacoat more tightly around herself. The lapels bunched up around her neck. “It’s going to sound stupid.” 

“I’m all for stupid. Love it. Can't get enough of it, in fact.”

Her attempt to make Dani loosen up, laugh a little, didn’t hit quite as effectively as it usually did. For a moment Dani made no reply. Then - 

“I wanted to see the mountains.” 

It was an almost petulant grumble. She was scowling down at the horn gripped in her free hand, as though the saddle had somehow wronged her. 

Smiling, Jamie shook her head. “I’ll take you tomorrow. We’ll drive. Fuck horses, anyway.”

"Yeah. Okay. That sounds good." There came the sound of a sniffle, and the rustle of cloth. "God, I'm hungry."

Truth be told, they had eaten not an hour ago. Quite a large meal, too. Still, Jamie dug around in her other pocket and pulled out a crisp apple, which she had been saving for just the purpose. She handed it over, and Dani took it.

"Thank you."

"No worries."

"No, I mean it. For everything."

"Like I said," Jamie shot an impish look over her shoulder. "No worries. Really."

Dani ate everything, even the core. She licked the juices off her fingers and chewed on the stem the whole ride back.

It wasn't until they had returned to the cabin some time later, when Jamie was emptying her pockets, that she came across the photo. Dani had waltzed off to the kitchen to make them a too hearty, too early lunch. Jamie cast her a quick glance, then turned the photograph over to have a proper look at it.

The Dani of an hour or so ago was poised in the saddle like a dressage rider. Mist and shadow clung to the edges of her. The leafy branch was half-cast across her face like an ornament, like an exotic hat, even. And from beneath the shadowy brim was a mask of a face with dark eyes that burned through the fog.

 -

The honeymoon couldn’t last forever. Sooner than either of them would've liked, they were back in their little apartment over the flower shop. There was nothing of the trip but a handful of cherished memories -- Jamie had kept none of the photographs. 

None of the photographs Jamie had taken in their years together had seemed to turn out quite right. And Dani had kept no photos of herself before Bly. They were, Jamie had been told, still back at her old home on the other side of the continent. 

It wasn't for lack of trying. Jamie kept a camera at hand most days in the vain hope that she might steal an image of her wife to hold and to keep after -- well. After. But she didn't want to make Dani uncomfortable, no matter how often Dnai told her it was fine, that she could take as many pictures as she liked. She tried to be discreet. 

The times she wasn't, when Jamie grew frustrated enough to ask Dani to stage herself for a quick snap and flash of the lens, none of those photos turned out right either. Dani wasn't herself in those. As though she were a plastic doll posed for her high school prom night on someone's arm. Somehow those pictures were even worse. Both Jamie and Dani would grimace and shake their heads, laughing in mutual agreement that it ought to be chucked in the bin.

Life went on. There would be time for other pictures. Tomorrow, perhaps. Or the day after. When the time came, Jamie would be ready, camera in hand. 

 -

They were seated at a cafe, waiting for their drinks to arrive, and Dani was staring at a dark-haired child. The family of three was at a nearby table. Jamie watched as Dani's eyes would lose focus mid-sentence, and drift in that direction, her voice trailing off until the words hung crooked from her tongue.

Jamie cleared her throat, and leaned an elbow on the table between them. "Yeah. I don't have the right kind of equipment for that, Poppins."

Dani's gaze jerked back towards Jamie. She blinked. "What?"

"But we could try something else," Jamie offered with a shrug. "If you like."

Dani's jaw dropped, so that her mouth hung partially open in shock as the realisation of what Jamie was saying dawned on her. "Wha -? No! No." She laughed nervously and self-consciously rubbed at the side of her neck. "Thank you, but no."

"You sure? Because if you want it, then -”

“I’m worried about -” Dani interrupted, but faltered herself before tilting her head and saying, “- her.”

Lifting an unconcerned eyebrow, Jamie asked, “And what does Viola want, then?"

Dani started slightly at the sound of that name being spoken with such sudden irreverence. "I - Well, I don't think it would help. A child. I don’t think a child would help."

"No?"

Dani shook her head. Then, with a surreptitious glance over her shoulder at the family, she leaned forward. Her gold watch clinked against the tabletop, and she spoke in a low voice, "Actually, I think it might make things worse."

Jamie frowned in confusion, but leaned forward all the same as though the two of them were having some clandestine meeting instead of talking right there in the open air of the cafe. "And why's that? I thought she wanted a kid or whatever?"

"Well, yeah, but -" The tip of Dani’s tongue darted out to nervously wet her lower lip. "I - I dunno. I just have a weird feeling about it."

"Bad weird? Or just weird weird?"

"I think -" Dani inhaled sharply and sat up straighter. She seemed to consider something in the middle distance, before coming to a conclusion and shaking her head, her nose scrunched up. "Mmm. No. Just weird weird. But also -- I mean -- she wants it. Really badly. But any kid of mine wouldn't actually -- y'know -- be mine."

"I don't follow."

Dani fixed her with a hard unblinking stare. "I'm saying: it would be hers."

Slowly the realisation of what she was saying hit Jamie, along with a corresponding image. Of a woman. Putting on a shiny new satin dress.

"Yikes," said Jamie.

"Yeah." Dani slumped back into her seat. She went back to chewing on her lower lip and staring over at the other table. Except that the waitress came by not a moment later. So, Dani jolted up straight again and said, "Oh, thank you so much."

The waitress flashed them both a brilliant smile. "No problem."

Jamie waited until she was gone before saying, “You never answered my first question.”

Dani had picked up a small silver spoon and was stirring milk into her coffee until it turned a shade of tan. “What do you mean?” 

“Do you want a child?” Jamie asked, as though that were the most obvious thing in the world. “Not her. You. You shouldn't let her stop you from doing something that you want to do."

Setting down the spoon so that it was balanced on the edge of the saucer, Dani picked up her coffee. "I know that.” She took a sip. When it was clear that Jamie wasn’t going to let this go, Dani set her cup back down but kept her hands locked around it. “I thought I did. Before. Back when I was -” She made a fluttering gesture with her fingers as though waving away a buzzing fly.

“Yeah? And what about now?”

Dani’s face slackened at the question. Her eyes unfocused. 

Jamie snapped her fingers. “Hey. None of that, now.”

Dani jerked. "Sorry. Uhm -" She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply through her nose. Her hands gripped the porcelain cup tight. Then she shook her head, a small twitchy side-to-side motion. "No. No, I don't. No. Not anymore."

With a shrug, Jamie added a splash of milk to her cup of bag tea. "Well, all right, then."

Dani's eyes blinked open. "And what about you?"

Jamie made a face. "I've spent enough of my life raising kids. Siblings. My own mother. You know how it is. So, no. But if it was something you wanted, then sure. I would be all for it."

"But if you don't want it, then -"

"I'm perfectly willing to make a compromise. Fortunately for us both, neither of us have to. It's the best of both worlds, really," Jamie assured her. She took that first sip of tea, then made another face. "Ugh. Why can't the Yanks ever make a decent cuppa?"

Dani had picked up her own cup for a sip, and smiled around the brim. "Want a conciliatory muffin instead?"

Jamie set her tea down with a grimace. "Yes, please."

“Wait here. I’ll be right back,” said Dani, already standing and leaving her coffee behind. She shuffled through her purse for her wallet. 

While pushing her tea away from herself in disgust, Jamie paused. She frowned. She gazed more intently at the cup Dani had left on the table. The coffee steamed faintly, yet there remained the imprints of fingers on the porcelain, as though she were still sitting there, gripping the mug between her cold hands.

Jamie’s head jerked around, and her gaze sought Dani. She found her at the till, exchanging cash for a blueberry muffin. Not taking her eyes off her, Jamie fumbled around in the pocket of her own coat, which was slung over the back of her chair. Finally, she withdrew the polaroid camera that never seemed to leave her side these days. She lifted the camera to her face, and peered through, pointing it in Dani’s direction.

Dani’s figure was distorted through the lens. She moved as though through water, turning and striding towards Jamie across the bottom of a lake. Her golden hair seemed to float. Or perhaps that was the breeze, a draught that had slipped benignly beneath the cafe’s front door. Every step lingered behind her; there were shadows in her footprints. As she passed by the table with the family of three, her attention drifted towards the child -- just for the barest of moments -- and through the camera lens her eyes were deep and dark as muddy waters. 

Jamie lowered the camera, and thought to herself that a change of strategy was in order.

[kinetic-elaboration]

September 1: 3x06 Spectre of the Gun

Okay so, it might be a little early to declare myself a S3 apologist, since there are still a lot of eps I’ve never seen, but I feel like I’m pretty close..

This ep was so good!! Honestly I think it’s one of my faves. And perfect to usher in Spooky Season.

Honestly, this show really is my happy place. Just all the characters together on the bridge, on some kinda adventure, looking at weird space buoys and investigating stuff.

Again, this buoy looks like a Windows 98 screensaver.

Kirk keeps referring to Spock as “Science Officer.” Is he mad at him? Full of some particularly intense longing that requires him to put extra distance between them?

Excuse me, you address US as aliens? YOU’RE the aliens.

Hmmm, so it seems they’re not friendly.

It’s addressing them in different languages!!! I love it. Love the reminder that Uhura’s first language is not English,also.

“True telepaths are dangerous.” As opposed to fake telepaths like Vulcans lol?

The Melkotians withdrew immediately. They invented space travel, they saw space, and they said “not for us” and they turned around and left. McCoy would like them; they’d have a lot to gripe about together.

The welcome mat is NOT out.

“Unlike Mr. Scott’s transporter, this unit is not functioning.”

It legit looked like Spock put his hand on Kirk’s back there. Like he clearly raises it, but not far enough to be seen above Kirk, so like.. what was the point? Where did it go?

LEE CRONIN--oh no, flashbacks lol.

“We come in peace”--immediately pulls out gun.

I should have watched this when writing my Western fic.

Just bits and pieces of a Western town... and a completely red sky...

The guns are “crude but dangerous.” If only Sulu were here; he’d love this.

An announcement with a specific time and place on it--that’s a very precise detail to just pull from their minds. Must have come from Kirk’s, that nerd. Maybe Spock. But probably Kirk.

“Because my ancestors pioneered the American frontier.” I mean did they really get to the frontier? Or just... the Midwest?

Maybe it’s actually because he’s a cowboy at heart?

Aliens using his own ancestral sins as the pattern for his own death for breaking their law IS a great (possibly partially unintended) idea. Oh also, if they think that Kirk and co. are here to ‘tame’ or colonize them, then the Western setting makes even more sense--you’re no different from your ancestors, you came somewhere new and brought lawlessness and violence and death, but not this time!

Can you believe Kirk knows all of these details about the OK Corral? NERD.

Spock is so proud of himself for knowing the phrase “had it out.” Look, I used slang correctly!

These are some creative aliens.

“We know death is real here.” Or is it? They’re literally telepaths guys.

Hmmm, this building doesn’t need a roof I think. - The aliens probably

Can’t believe Scotty thinks his usual is his actual usual lol. You’re going to drink bourbon and like it!

Kirk and Spock look so good together.

They’re obviously Chekov’s disapproving parents.

“The day is still young, Ensign.” I don’t remember the exact context of this but Spock is SO judgmental.

What is Kirk doing? This guy is a hallucination; he won’t be convinced by touching some cloth. There’s nothing to convince! He’s only a Concept.

“Have you seen clothes like this?” / “Yes.” / “Where?” / “On the Claytons!” Comedy gold.

Kirk really thinks he can charm his way out of anything. Hmmm, maybe if I just talk nicely to the Earps, they won’t kill us.

“In small amounts, it [bourbon] was considered medicinal.” Lol.

Scotty is becoming a bourbon guy!

“Mr. Chekov is inVOLVed” lol. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

“A lot of people and things have tried to kill me.” No need to brag.

THAT’S how you make a city limits sign. Put a dead animal skull on top. I live quite close to a city limits sign and I think it could use a cow skull.

Western Cossacks!!

Poisonous snakes and cactus plants. That really distills the Aesthetic down to its core.

This is a good Kirk episode. He’s really being a good Captain: coming up with different ideas, being creative, pushing his crew to brainstorm.

Bones and his tranqs again.

Bones meets his old nemesis: Old Timey Medicine.

Why was Doc Holiday just...chilling in his own dentist chair? (My mom suggested: power nap. Let’s go with that. Power nap + ability for optimally dramatic entrance.)

Also I can’t believe McCoy just goes into this guy’s practice and starts helping himself to all the serious drugs.

Chekov definitely isn’t the marrying kind.

RIP Chekov.

Bones does not sound very sympathetic here. Jim, get over it, he just died, whatever.

And then two seconds later he turns around and tells Spock he’s not sad enough! You can’t win.

“We all knew the risk when we joined the service.”

“My feelings are not a subject for discussion.” !!!!!!! This line!!

“You worked closely with him.” Yes! Chekov is his protege!

“Bones, Scotty, stop bullying Spock.” <-- not an actual quote but it might as well be.

If this were AOS, Spock would already be choking Bones out.

Whoops, no one told Chekov he wasn’t supposed to die!

“Let’s organize! Let’s form an anti-Earp union!”

“I can’t kill them!” he says in a mad rage.

I mean, it is important, though. That’s not what he does.

Kirk is /disgusted/ by lawlessness and frontier justice. What a Rebel TM.

I feel like Bones was waiting for the gotcha moment when Spock compliments him. “Saying nice things about me? That’s not how this relationship works!”

“Nothing can go wrong.” / “Up to now, everything has gone wrong.” He has a point.

That pause before Spock admitted it hasn’t been tested lol--they don’t want to admit it.

“[The bourbon’s] for the pain.” / “But this is painless.” / “You should have told me that before.” The unexpected comedy stylings of Scotty and Spock.

It doesn’t work--guess Spock’s got to take back that compliment now.

“Captain, you don’t understand--they’ve been telepaths the whole time which we already knew!”

“We’re not going to move from the spot.” * is immediately in a different spot * Well I mean at least he’s trying. He’s doing his best!

Love the OK Corral sign also. Weirdly creepy. With its accompanying horse.

Spock doesn’t have any hips for the holster to rest on.

“What did Chekov die of?” / “A piece of lead in his body.” That would do it.

If the tranquilizer should have been effective, does that mean Scotty is actually passed out right now?

Honestly, this is all so spooky. TRUE Western Horror Ghost Vibes.

Also very trippy. If you don’t believe it... it’s not real... some kinda weird chicken and the egg argument regarding our belief in the truth of physical laws idk but it sounds good. Spock brings it home.

Even with the wind whipping around him, Kirk is SO in love. His absolutely adoring expression... So soft...

“Very well, Sir, I’ll meld with you again. Not that I particularly want to. It will be a sacrifice. But I’ll manage. Even though you’re such a dynamic individual haha ha I’m fine I’m cool.”

I feel like Scotty is NOT into the mind meld. He looks terrified. Maybe he should have saved the bourbon for this occasion.

I know the mind meld is supposed to be a replacement for on screen hypnotism...but is this not hypnotism? Like even more than past uses? In this case, Spock is leaving them with suggestions that he wants to continue AFTER the meld, as opposed to, like, efficiently sharing information or giving immediate suggestions. And the scenes themselves are very creepy and...hypnotic.

Kirk’s patented move: WHOLE BODY ATTACK.

Well, we wrapped that up right quick.

Did they... never actually leave the bridge? Or even navigate past the buoy? This actually brings up a lot of questions as to when the aliens started the hallucinations, what their bodies looked like to the rest of the crew, and how they woke up--since there’s obviously been a bit of a time skip, as Bones is already examining Chekov.

Lol at Chekov, saved by horniness. “Nothing but the girl was real to him.”

“A vast alliance of fellow creatures who all believe in the same thing...”

Kirk’s vision of the utopian future is so powerful, he’s effectively gotten the welcome mat put back out.

A personal question? Kirk is intrigued.

Ah, but it’s just another excuse for Spock to be a hypocrite--how did humans survive? How did VULCANS survive? And for the show to remind us of its utopian vision of the future... we will move past violence, we will prove ourselves attractive to and worth of new alien friends.

Then McCoy walks out so Kirk and Spock can have their Moment. He undoubtedly knows what’s up.

So this ep was shown one day before the anniversary of the shootout at the OK Corral AND on Halloween week. It is very much a spooky season episode. So surreal and strange. Ghostly.

I know using sets rather than on location shoots, and not even building whole sets, was a budgetary issue but tbqh I think it worked in the ep’s favor. It added to the alien feeling of it and was an accidentally creative way of showing that these images were pulled from Kirk’s mind.

This felt like a very Classic S1-ish ep to me. I think it’s because Kirk was foregrounded as the Captain/hero and we get to see not just his intelligence and creativity and leadership but also his compassion and his moral core. He IS the values of the series, personified, and that was clear here.

But we also got to see lots of him and Spock, casually working as a pair, and the use of the rest of the landing party crew was very deft also. I loved that there was time to mock Chekov’s horniness, to talk about Spock and Chekov’s professional relationship, to joke around with Scotty, to show more of the Spock and Bones dynamic.

Again, great sci fi concept. I think this would have been another possible inspo for my Pirate AU if I’d seen it in time (although I think I picked a good mission-concept ultimately). I’m fascinated by the Melkotians: who are they? What do they really look like? Do they communicate any other way but telepathically? Are they corporeal? What is their planet like? And most importantly, what experience lead them to be so isolationist? They specifically refer to the aliens as “disease” coming into their home. And it’s when Kirk shows himself to be fundamentally nonviolent even in the face of his own death, they let the Enterprise through.

Basically, I always enjoy hints of alien societies that bring up more questions for me than answers. I love speculating about it.

The next two eps I’ve seen and remember well and I know they’re classics. I’m really looking forward to them!