#i feel like i've genuinely got worse over the last two...years?

[quitedisastrous]

i wish i could just do nothing for a few days straight. maybe even just sleep for a few days straight. sooo excited for constant misery over the next 20 days

ranting in the tags. i would just scroll past if i were you

[atlxolotl]

Transcript and links to Reddit under the Read more:

I miss my husband so goddamn much

February 27th, 2025

I (35M) divorced my husband (36M) three years ago. And God, I miss him. I asked for a divorce for a few reasons, most of which being that his depression got exponentially worse day after day and he refused to seek treatment. Sometimes he wouldn't even go into work and ended up getting fired from his job. I stayed with him for so fucking long, praying that one day he would start trying to get better. It was all I ever wanted, but that day didn't come. I sobbed the entire time signing those papers, and when I handed them to him and asked for a divorce, he just gave me the emptiest, deadest look and signed them without a word. My heart felt like it had been shattered with a hammer, anger and sadness and fear tied together in the world's tightest, ugliest knot and inset deep into my chest.

I put on a brave face for my friends, tried to frame it as shackles coming off and a new beginning, but it was a lie. It just hurt, and it keeps hurting, and it will never stop hurting. He was my soulmate. I'll never love anyone like I loved him. He used to be so sweet and loving, so passionate and happy and every other wonderful thing a man could want from another.

They say each day gets easier, but it isn't for me. It's been three years and I'm still reaching over to the other side of the bed in the morning to pull him close, and it always stings when my hands touch fabric and not his skin. It's been three years and I'm still expecting to see his car in the driveway when I get home from work. It's been three years and my heart isn't any less broken than the day he left.

I've been stalking his socials, I'll admit. He's been getting back to the gym, started meds, and I see him smiling so genuinely in these photos. He looks so incredible. Maybe if I had just waited, he would have changed his mind and went to a doctor like he is now? Or was it me that held him down? Was I making it worse?

I hope not. I wanna go over to his place and just fall into his arms and beg him to take me back. Maybe he's wishing the same thing about me. If there's even a chance I could have my boy back I feel like I should try. I'll never know otherwise.

EDIT: One: I am a homosexual man. My husband is a homosexual man. I am not a woman. Yes, I know I'm effeminate and kind of emotional. Get creative.

Two: my husband was a binge drinker. He refused treatment no matter how much I begged. We got antidepressants but he wouldn't take them. I know he's started meds now because he's posted about them and his 2 yrs sober chip that he got last month.

Three: I never stopped loving him. I never loved him any less. Near the end of our marriage, I started drinking to cope. The second I realized I was, I realized he was dragging me down with him, and I couldn't help him anymore. I didn't dip the second it got hard. Many of you are being kind of rude. I'll accept that I wasn't the perfect husband, nobody is. But claims that I never loved him are just wrong and make me feel sick to my stomach.

EDIT 2: No, I am not the catalyst for this. His depression started when his young brother died terribly and unexpectedly. It's not because he just hated me so much. We were childhood sweethearts and had been together for years when this happened.

[UPDATE] I met my husband that I divorced 3 years ago

March 2nd, 2025

Well, with Reddit's advice, I did it. A few days ago, I called my (35M) ex-husband (36M) whom I divorced after 6 years when he refused to seek treatment for his depression.

I called him later in the evening. It was the first time we'd spoken since a bit of trouble he'd had while he was still drinking 2 1/2 years ago. He picked up on the second ring. Our conversation was a little stilted at first, as to be expected, but he said he was really glad to hear from me. We ended up meeting up for coffee yesterday as so many of you suggested. I'll admit: it was kind of hard to see him, but in a good way? He looked so much better than the last time I had seen him, but he looked exactly like the man I married. He had put off a ton of weight (he gained like 75ish pounds during his struggle with depression, and before some dick says so, I didn't leave him because of his weight gain), he looked way healthier and very put together. I'll just say it: he looked incredibly hot. What made it hard was that I couldn't kiss him hello like I used to. But God, the way his eyes lit up when he saw me, I barely needed to.

We got our coffee and sat, and he updated me a little on his life in the last 3 years.

What really turned his life around was in part the divorce but moreso a DUI (nobody was hurt, he was caught a few blocks from his apartment). He's since gone to rehab and AA, gotten his license back, and had to use a breathalyzer whenever he started his car for a while. He hasn't had a drop of alcohol since and I told him I was so fucking proud of him. He's also started antidepressants, and made a point of telling me that they're not SSRIs, but when I asked what that meant he got embarrassed and told me nevermind (???). Bottom line is that they've been helping him, he's back to being a gym rat, and he's almost completely turned his life around. This was around the point I started tearing up. It just felt so good knowing he was okay. Better than okay, he was *good*.

I also apologized to him for not sticking by him. He cut me off and said I had nothing to apologize for. He was a wreck, and I was being dragged down with him. That also felt good to hear. I apologized for not contacting him much during the last 3 years. That apology, he accepted.

He was dating someone for a few months, too. He broke up with him once he tried to get him to drink on New Year's. He seemed dismissive of the guy. Guess it wasn't too serious.

We got up and went on a walk after a few hours, and I think we both realized it felt like a first date. I had to stop myself from trying to hold his hand at a few points, I'll admit. We ended up sitting on a bench in a nearby park, and I confessed.

I told him I missed him more than anything, how I never stopped loving him, and how if he wanted to, I'd love to try again from the beginning this time. We'd go to couples' therapy, keep our heads above the water, and take it slow. He was quiet for a minute before he told me something. He said he was doing better now, but there may be a time where he sunk low again. Depression isn't easily cured, and he was far from cured. He still had bad days, but he said there would be one difference: he promised he would never stop trying to improve. He was never going to give up like he did before, and refused to neglect me like he used to. If I was willing to accept that truth, he was willing to try again. I agreed, and he pulled me into an embrace and snuck a kiss to my temple. You know when it's the first warm day of spring after a cold, harsh winter, and the soft breeze and basking sun hit your skin at the same time? It felt something like that, to the 1000th degree. After a while he walked me back to my car and squeezed my hand goodbye, and the second I got inside I started sobbing like a baby. Happy tears, though.

I'm currently sitting in bed, kicking my feet like a teenage girl, texting him back and forth to schedule an actual date. He said he'd plan everything, and try his best to make up for the birthdays and anniversaries he missed. He said it would "knock my socks off." What a dork. I love being in love. Not gonna lie, this is gonna be a bit hard to explain to my friends and family. Not looking forward to those conversations, but right now I don't care. My man loves me.

Thank you to everyone who had kind words to say, and all the people that messaged me with sympathy and advice. I hope we all find happiness, and love if we want it. I never would have made the leap if y'all hadn't encouraged me. Best of luck to all of you, and sorry for the overly flowery language <3

EDIT: we've scheduled a date for tomorrow evening. I'll let people know how it went two days from now in my final (unless something big happens) update.

EDIT 2: at his place presently. Shame me not, reddit.

[FINAL UPDATE] I went on a date with my ex-husband last night

March 5th, 2025

My (35M) ex-husband (36M) and I recently reconnected. I won't go over the details of why we split or our reconciliation since I'm sure the average redditor can click buttons and most likely read. He was the one taking me out, and promised that it would, in his words, "knock my socks off" to make up for his neglect of me. He sure as hell delivered.

A little backstory, we've been together since we were 15 and 16 respectively, and have never moved out of our hometown. This year would have been our 20th anniversary (of getting together, not marriage). We were dating secretly for about five years before our parents caught us one day during summer break. The fallout from finding out their son was gay actually made his parents split. His dad wanted to send him away to conversion therapy. He's seen his father maybe once per year on average, and every time he's incredibly cold towards me. Would never refer to me as his son-in-law, only my husband's "pal." I wonder why. Anyway, not what you're here to read. I'll get on with the lore.

He picked me up from the house and wouldn't tell me where we were going, but told me to dress warmly. He ended up taking me to the place where we met: a run down ice skating rink in our town. He used to do hockey, and I spent some time trying to learn figure skating until people started beating me up for it. Both sports would practice at the same time and I remember barely being able to keep my eyes off him. We went skating, I tried to pull off a few of the moves I remembered (he only had to catch me from falling on my ass once or twice, and I won't complain about an attractive man that I love hooking his arm around my waist), and we spent an hour or so there until our feet hurt. At one point I said that my face was getting cold, so he skated around in front of me and placed his gloved hands on my cheeks to warm me up. I just about burned a hole in the ice from how hard I was blushing, I swear to God.

He wasn't done then. We left and went to dinner, specifically the restaurant where we had our first date. It's a cheap hole-in-the-wall place, seeing as we were poor teenagers when we first met. We chatted and ate food that probably took 5 years off our lives, he was an incorrigible flirt, and even held my hand underneath the table like he did all those years ago. I know I said I never stopped loving him, and I stand by that, but I think I somehow fell in love with him a thousand times over again during that meal.

At the end of dinner, he asked if I had energy for one more simple thing, to which I agreed. He took me a while out of town to a dark sky zone park, specifically the one where he proposed to me ten years ago. He set out a blanket to sit on and another to cuddle under, and we went stargazing all bundled up together. You never know how much you miss the sound of someone's heartbeat until you haven't heard it for so long. We shared a bottle of sparkling grape juice in plastic champagne flutes and dumb, giggly kisses. It felt so similar yet so different. He told me in a moment of quiet that he loved me, and oh, God. It took everything I had not to cry. I barely hesitated before asking if he wanted to change venues. He seemed surprised, but eagerly accepted.

I ended up at his place, as some of you may have seen from my edit on my second post yesterday. I wanted to take it slower than this, but it was so hard to. I was so starved of affection and hadn't been intimate with anyone for just about six years. I'm gonna keep what happened at his between us, but all I'll say is that his medication was no issue and all of you should be jealous. I woke up in his bed this morning, reached over for him, and pulled him close just like I used to do. I haven't been this happy in a long time. We had a sleepy discussion and decided to get back together, but we're not using the term boyfriends. It just feels weird after all this time. So he's my partner, or my lover. He's mine.

Thank you, reddit. Wouldn't have done it without a little push from the internet. Let's see where all this goes.

[sketchtastrophee]

more old art!! featuring theo and my human harley fan design!! RUN THEODORE RUN (he's cooked)

im gonna talk about chapter 4 under here so only click if ur ok with spoilers! also its a huge yapfest. like HUUGE. i just want to voice my opinions about prototype because i've seen ppl sort of miss the point of what happened at the end of the chapter

I LOVED CHAPTER 4! IT WAS SO COOL!! i was sooo worried but im glad it turned out good. rip pianosaurus tho..

tldr (for the bunch of paragraphs where I talk abt prototype)

prototype being ollie is deranged because it means he was terrorizing the toys of safe haven on purpose for the fun of it when he could have killed them at any time. he also created an extremely close emotional bond with poppy for OVER A DECADE just to tear it all away from her at the end and tell her it was meaningless (he then proceeds to taunt her over the phone abt it). bro is LITERALLY TROLLING

you cant tell me that final scene w the "ive got something special in mind. i prepared it just for you, and this time you'll never want to leave." isnt some tom and jerry shit

ABT PROTOTYPE REVEALING HIMSELF AS OLLIE... (the long explanation)

we ALL knew he was ollie, but i don't think people are seeing the point of this reveal. it wasn't about revealing himself to us the player, it's about the implications that arise from it. he had been playing both sides for 10+ YEARS. that's deranged enough but not even CLOSE to the end of it

as ollie he had emotionally supported poppy in her lowest moments (as heard in the ollie and poppy tape). this tape also insinuates that (at least around the time it was recorded) the two of them called frequently, possibly every night. he wasn't just pretending to be everyone's ally, he was PRETENDING TO BE THEIR CLOSEST FRIEND THAT THEY COULD VENT TO 😭 he heard this poor girl sob into the phone and tell him about how she felt her humanity being taken from her, AND HE KEPT UP THE CHARADE AND COMFORTED HER, KNOWING THIS PATH HAD BAD INTENTIONS

what's worse than all of that, though, is that him being ollie means that at any time in the last 10 years he could have used the persona to force his way into safe haven. AT ANY TIME HE COULD HAVE KILLED THEM ALL. HE COULD SIMPLY USE THE OLLIE VOICE AND ASK THEM TO OPEN THE DOOR. why is this worse, you ask? because HE WAS LITERALLY TERRORIZING THEM ON PURPOSE.

think about the note in the cart/cave area. a toy from safe haven writes that prototype was right outside the door the night before, he'd gotten past the traps and was just tapping on the wall and staring. they said after he was gone they still felt they could hear it. HE IS LITERALLY BEING SCARY ON PURPOSE???? LEGIT TRAUMATIZING THEM AND FOR NO REASON. HE COULD GET IN THERE, HE'S SIMPLY CHOOSING TO MAKE THEIR LIVES HELL

so thats crazy.. BUT ALSO THE ENDING? in the poppy and ollie tape he says "im right here, poppy. for you. i'll always be here." AND AT THE END OF THE GAME, WHEN POPPY ASKS WHAT HE DID WITH OLLIE, HE SAYS THAT. you know what that means? that means he said that shit to her ALL THE TIME. clearly only the two of them would be familiar with the phrase which is why after he said it, she immediately knew he was ollie the whole time

i feel bad for poppy. she ran off but she was valid for that. all her friends from safe haven are dead, the only ones left are the player, kissy and ollie, but she soon realizes that ollie is WORSE than dead. he is LITERALLY HER ENEMY. the thousands of conversations they had, probably hundreds of times she vented and told him her plans and discussed her life with him? ALL FOR NOTHING. any time she thought she was winning the past 10 years was a lie, she was ALWAYS LOSING because he was GETTING ALL THE INFO FROM THEM. she genuinely never had a chance and i think she realized that

in her dialogue you can tell she's grieving ollie (obviously he IS prototype, but i think she's grieving the thought of him). saying "you lied to me" to the prototype of all people is absurd (considering he's done far worse than lie) but when you think about how she feels, it makes sense.

also the part where she said "this isn't right". again, a weird thing to say to him of all people, but if you put yourself in her shoes she's grieving the friend she thought she had, and she's struggling to grapple with the fact that it all meant nothing. somewhere in her mind she believes "ollie" as a personality is there somewhere, because how could someone be that close with you and mean none of it? she thinks that voicing this pain he's inflicted will change his mind, but it won't. and that's why it's genuinely really sad. that's why she asks if there was ever an ollie. i don't think she meant it literally, and i don't think his answer was literal either. she didn't mean "were you a mf named ollie once" she meant it like "was our friendship ever genuine?" which makes his response both heartbreaking and interesting.

so not only is her world shattered now, most of her friends are dead and the one who wasn't turned out to be her opp, but now he's TAUNTING HER OVER THE PHONE AND THREATENING HER. nice one... (loved the quip after she ran off btw. that shit was hilarious. like bro u made her crash out and went "some friend, huh?" YOU CANT SAY THAT BRO)

anyway think of it from her perspective: everyone you knew is gone, and soon the only 2 people that remain will be too. you can't run, or hide, or do anything. he WILL find you, and when he does he'll lock you away FOREVER where NOBODY WILL BE LEFT TO SAVE YOU. I WOULD RUN TOO.............. plus her running off probably led him away so.. she saved us sorta.

ALL THAT TO SAY THAT I REALLY LIKE THE OLLIE REVEAL FOR REASONS FAR BEYOND A SIMPLE TWIST. him being ollie for over a decade raises many many questions, and suggests very dark things.

hes crazy and the fact he did a monologue means he knows he won. he wouldn't have spilled the beans otherwise...

[st4rgiirll]

want me to crack it for you?

lando norris x dataengineer!friend!reader.

dividers by: @fawndollie and @bernardsbendystraws

this has been in my drafts for a while lmao

synopsis: lando and reader have been friends since reader joined mclaren as a data engineer, the two had gotten close over time. and who knows what happens when reader complains of a sore back to lando?

"ugh, my back hurts," you groan, stretching your arms above my head in the mclaren garage. the weekend had been long - helping the team prep for the upcoming race at silverstone meant hours hunched over laptops analyzing data.

lando looked up from his racing notes, his eyes crinkling with that signature mischievous smile. we'd been friends since you joined the team as a data engineer last season, and he had a way of making even the most stressful race weekends feel lighter.

"want me to crack it for you?" he offered, already standing up from his chair.

you raised an eyebrow. "you're not going to make it worse, are you? i kind of need my back to function."

he rolled his eyes, walking over. "trust me, i've got magic hands. learned from my physio."

before you could protest, he stepped behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist. the casual touch sent a flutter through your stomach - something that had been happening more frequently lately whenever he was near.

"ready?" he asked, his breath warm against your ear.

you nodded, trying to ignore how perfectly you seemed to fit against him. in one swift motion, he squeezed, lifting you slightly. your spine cracked in several satisfying pops, and the tension you'd been carrying melted away instantly.

"oh my god," you sighed, "that actually worked."

his arms stayed around you a moment longer than necessary, and you found yourself leaning back into him. the garage around you seemed to fade away, the usual chaos of race preparation becoming distant background noise.

"better?" he asked softly, still not letting go.

you turned your head slightly, suddenly very aware of how close his face was to yours. the playful glint in his eyes had shifted to something else - something that made your heart skip.

"much better," you whispered.

the moment stretched between both of you, heavy with unspoken words and possibilities. lando's grip loosened slightly, but instead of stepping away, he gently turned you to face him. his eyes dropped to your lips for just a second before meeting yours again.

"you know," he said, voice barely above a whisper, "i've been wanting to do that for a while."

"crack my back?"

he laughed softly. "no, this."

and then he was kissing you, gentle and sweet, one hand cupping your face while the other stayed wrapped around your waist. the kiss felt like crossing a finish line - like something the both of you had been racing toward all along without realizing it.

when you finally pulled apart, lando was wearing that bright, genuine smile that made him look younger than his years in f1 had earned him.

"so," he grinned, "any other aches and pains i can help with?"

i laughed, shoving his shoulder playfully. "you're impossible."

"impossibly charming, you mean."

"and modest too," you teased, but you were already pulling him back in for another kiss.

sometimes the best things in life come from the most unexpected moments - like a sore back, a friendly offer, and the courage to finally cross the line between friendship and something more. in the fast-paced world of formula 1, you'd found your own perfect timing. with him.

[romanticintheory]

HI I JUST READ YOUR "SIMON BETRAY YOU" AND YOU KNOW WHATTTT IT HURTS SOO GOOD OMG THANKS FOR MAKING THATT SJWISHWBSHSJSBWJSBWBS

...

and.. maybe can you write for a part two? pleaseee🥺

HIII TYSM IM SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED!!! here's a pt 2! i am very sick at the moment, though, so this might be a bunch of gibberish (i sincerely apologize if so). hope you like it <3

simon riley betrays you pt. 2

simon "ghost" riley x reader || pt. 1 || masterlist

☆ ☆ ☆

-miraculously, they let you go.

-you half expected someone to drag you out of the car with the barrel of a gun pressed against your temple with the intent to fire, but no. after a few excruciatingly long hours alone with your arms and legs bound, someone new came to cut your ties and let you loose.

-maybe they were just bad at their job, you thought. after all, why would they let you, essentially a witness, go free without any repercussions?

-a few years pass. you try to move on, but its impossible when your entire world was shattered in one night.

-you never heard back from your father since then, but that wasn't the thing that hurt the most. you couldn't go a single day without thinking about the sting of betrayal. any happy moment you had was spent comparing the time you felt that same feeling with him, before anything in the world was wrong to you.

-what's worse, there was something telling you that you shouldn't tell anyone about it even if you wanted to. a voice in your head kept telling you that maybe, maybe they're keeping you on a leash. maybe someone was watching you at this very moment ready to take you out the moment you spilled your experiences.

-in a way, your fears are confirmed when you meet simon again miles away from the last place you lived. you had moved for this exact reason; you never wanted to see his face for as long as you lived.

-it happens when you're walking alone in the street. you moved to this area specifically because you heard it was quieter and, more importantly, safer. but how much of that could you escape, really?

-your attacker approaches you as you're making your walk home from work, a kind of confidence on his face that makes the common individual want to roll their eyes.

-"what's a sweet thing like you doing out alone at night, huh?" he asks, his footsteps staggered like he's had one too many drinks.

-you give him the usual speel of, "oh, my friends are waiting for me... yeah, i've got a boyfriend. haha, i'm okay, no need to accompany me, thanks."

-your soft attempts at rejection only seem to agitate him, because next thing you know he's stepping toward you and putting a hand on your arm with a bone-crushing grip.

-"c'mon jus' let me-"

-his voice is cut off by the sound of a loud thud and the stranger's yelp of pain. it takes you a second, but you realize the defense on your behalf came from beside you.

-oh, thank god.

-you and your now injured attacker now adjust your gazes to sit on the silent newcomer. just like that, your settled sense of dread has come back and increased tenfold.

-there he was, with that stupid mask over his face and his hands curled into fists for preparation of what he was going to do next if the man didn't scurry off.

-"you'll leave," he says darkly under subtle pants, as if he ran before coming to your rescue. "if you know what's good for you."

-the stranger wastes no time in running off into the night, leaving you with your worst nightmare.

-for a while, you both stare at each other like you can't believe the other is real. it takes everything in you not to cry or beg him for answers. no, after everything you worked for, you're not going to throw away everything you built in the past few years to recover from him just to throw it all away now... right?

-"why are you here?" you ask coldly. "come to finish the job?"

-although your eyes were icy and your questions came with a rigid tone, there was genuine fear in your question. what if the soldier that untied you wasn't supposed to? what if you were supposed to be dead all those years ago?

-"no. never."

-even though he knows the reason why, his heart still hurts at the thought of you believing he'd just up and kill you like that.

-"really? that's rich," you scoff, except you're terrible at hiding the tremble in your breath and the tremors traveling through your body.

-spotting your growing fear, he scrambles for something, anything, to make you fear him less.

-"i was worried, that's all. after that night," he pauses, eventually deciding to skip the details of what he did to your father. "i didn't know where you went. thought i could just get over it, but i guess i just knew i needed to check in on you just in case."

-you resist the urge to roll you eyes. "right. you're back again to 'check in on me'? to come back and meddle in my life again?" you're struggling to keep your tears back as they form in your eyes. "you've already taken so much. how selfish can you be?"

-he stares at you for a moment before slipping his hand into his pocket and taking out a gold watch that belonged to your dad.

-"i'm sorry about your father, but you have to understand that he-"

-"not that, simon. it was never that," you push his hand away and the offer that came with it. his eyes became confused. "i mean you. it's always been you. you just come into my life telling me you love me, that you want to be with me so much and then just take that all away? and you never even bothered to tell me it was a lie, just let me get tied up by some stranger to be left alone and scared!"

-there's a new look in simon's eyes at your words, but it's hard to decipher them from behind the mask.

-"it wasn't a lie," he says slowly, lowering the hand with the watch in it back to his side.

-"oh, please." the trembling has not died down in the slightest. "i bet you're still mad that worker of yours took pity on me and let me leave before you could do anything about it. like i said, back to finish the job."

-your eyes are now trained on the ground. there was a conflicted feeling in your body at the moment. on one hand, this was the man that let you get tied up and left in a car while he "handled" your father. on the other, this was the man you loved. the one who was kind to your ever desire, who always understood you in ways you never knew possible.

-"i told them to let you go," he finally manages.

-"what?"

"i..." he hesitates. "i told my captain that if i was going to give them your father's location, they were to let you go no questions asked when the whole ordeal was over with." and it was true. he hated even imagining poor you, being interrogated by his colleagues in an isolated, barren room. you had been through enough.

-and even if you had been a part of your father's scheme, there was a part of simon that loved you too much to care (though he'd never admit it to himself).

-it was a good thing price trusted his judgment. he didn't know what he would've done had he said no.

-the tears are now streaming down your face and you can do nothing to stop it. it all felt like so much. you were so, so confused. if he did love you, why did you feel this way? how much of this could you trust?

-cautiously, he goes to wipe the tears away from your face, murmuring a quiet, "hate it when you cry." for a second, it was a familiar feeling. you felt like you were back in your shared flat with simon while having a breakdown over life's struggles. in moments like those, you never would have expectated that life's struggles could take the form of simon himself.

-you can't help but lean into his touch. maybe you were insane for allowing him to touch you like this, but you wanted nothing more than to let him into your life again. the resolve you worked so hard to build was crumbling away the longer you spent with him.

-"the reason it took so long for me to find you..." he's holding your face in his hands, now. "for so long, i thought i ought to leave you alone. i know i should. i wasn't lying about when i said i was worried if you were still alive, but," he swallows the lump in his throat before continuing. "i also miss you. 'nd i know, 's incredibly selfish of me after everything i've done to you, but i can't help it."

-one of his hands leaves your face to slide the mask and balaclava off his face. there he was again, his aged brown eyes and soft jawline, the sides of his face littered with small scars you still remember to this day.

-"i'll make it up to you," he whispers. "anything you ask, i'll answer. about my past, your father, anything. you ask me to get you something, i'll have it for you wrapped all nice 'nd pretty. hell, i'll get on my knees and pray to you if you order me to, love."

-it was like your nightmare turned into a fantasy, having him here begging for your forgiveness.

-"anything you want, i want to give to you. jus' let me be a little selfish, too."

-you bite your lip as you think it over. you know the correct answer would be a clear, hard no, but you can't bring yourself to do it. not after all those nights wishing he was encasing you in his arms again, whispering all the things he adored about you as you drifted off into sleep.

-as much as you shouldn't be believing him, you do.

-"...anything?" you ask hesitantly, and it takes everything in simon not to pull you in close and never let go.

-again. no, he needs to be sure he won't scare you off again.

-"anything," he promises, fingertips tracing the edge of your jawline.

-"okay," you agree, the tears finally having stopped flowing. happiness does not even begin to describe what simon was feeling. "for starters, you can walk me home."

-with the watch long forgotten and broken on the edge of the sidewalk, he holds your face for a bit longer before letting go. eventually, he offers his arm to you and you take it.

-there's a part of him that mourns the years lost that he could've had with you. maybe, if he came to you sooner, he wouldn't have to be so careful about being around you, now. but, no, these were the consequences of his actions.

-at the very least, you were still giving him a second chance, and he was intent on not fucking it up this time.

[elexuscal]

dragon dear peudence sounds fun haha

Oh I'm really looking forward to this one.

The idea is a advice column focused on answering questions on human-dragon relationships of all stripes. While I'd say Temeraire-dragons are like 80% aligned in terms of intelligence and social dynamics, that 20% difference is a DOOZY, and I can I can just imagine all sorts of species culture clashes. (Heck, humans are the same species and we still have plenty of inter-social problems, ha...)

Here's a little taste test!

====

Dear Prudence,

I'm a sixty-something middle-weight, and for most of my life, I've never really bothered much bonding with humans. Not in a rude way, and I was always pleasant enough if we had to work together or such, I just didn't feel any urge to socialse. I was plenty happy with other dragons!

That changed about two years ago, when my main hangout spot got a new groundskeeper, 'Sally'. She is funny and 'cool', as the youths say, and we really clicked. She is not like other humans, who seem to get mad or upset at inconsequential things, and she is not afraid to say what she's thinking. I have genuinely come to value her friendship, and feel like we get along in all the ways that matter.

Except one! She is SO shabby. I understand that she works with mud and fertilizer every day and does not wish to get her nicest clothes dirty. But over the last six months we've been spending time together outside of her work hours, and her off-duty clothes are nearly as bad! I've made a few subtle comments about how nice she would look in a properly cut blouse or trousers, but it doesn't seem to have gotten through. If anything, I think her outfits have gotten even more slovenly!

I know humans can be odd about these things, and this is my first real friendship with one, so I don't want to mess up. But at the same time, I'm afraid that poor presentation begets poor reception from others. Or worse; what if it suggests a genuine illness or other problem Sally is having? Maybe she cannot afford anything nicer? I'm thinking of commissioning her a lovely dress. I can afford to, I'm simply not sure of the correct etiquette!

Sincerely,

Fashionable in Fairingdon

~~~~

Dear Fashionable,

How wonderful it is to make a new friend! It is an exciting prospect when you're first starting to become closer to someone, and everything feels new and fresh. It's clear that you value your relationship with Sally deeply, and I think it's lovely you want to show that care through a gift you consider both practical and tasteful.

With all of this said, I must state clearly and plainly: Do not commission Sally a dress.

Not a dress. Not a blouse, or trousers. Not any outfit at all.

[homoeroticfisticuffs]

WIP Wednesday - Sambucky Sickfic

Been working on this one on and off for a few weeks now whenever I've had the free time and I keep forgetting to post a WIP!! So here it is finally lol... working title is "There's No Need to Be Brave," from I Will by Mitski :] Once this is finished I'd like it to be maybe closer to/over 10k like the rest of my more recent fics, and I will only be posting the finished version to my AO3 because I just prefer to only post WIPs on here ;w; anyway Sambucky

Word count: 4.1k

He hadn’t even spent two weeks back in Brooklyn before he got the text; not from Sam, no, from Sarah, which made this whole situation all the more hilarious.

“Hey Bucky, I really hate to ask you for yet another favor after all you’ve done for my family, but my stubborn jackass of a brother got himself real sick with a bad cold somehow and I just don’t have the time to take care of both him and the boys. Would you mind maybe coming back down here to stay and watch over him for a bit? I think you’re the only other person he’d let see him like this.”

(The fact that he was actually checking and responding to his texts now was a new development for him, one he was glad Dr. Raynor wasn’t around to see. He really didn’t need to see her sarcastic grin or hear her smug ass voice giving him an “I told you so” or “see how easy it is” or whatever the hell she’d have to say.)

He smirked to himself as he saw Sarah’s text; it was timestamped at 6:47 AM, probably sent out of exasperation while trying to get the boys ready for school and also having to deal with taking care of Sam. The thought of Sam Wilson, the famous Falcon and now the brand new Captain America, lying helpless and miserable in bed was admittedly a little funny. He was probably wrapped up in a bunch of blankets right now with a bulky ice bag sitting atop his head and a thermometer sticking out of his mouth. It really was comical when he thought about it.

“No worries, Sarah. I can come help out.”

He genuinely didn’t mind going back down there to offer his help, and he would have done it either way to help the people he cares about, but he also loved being a little sweet on Sarah because of how mad it made Sam.

He also needed to get out of Brooklyn, as much as he hated it. After offering closure to Yori, things just hadn’t felt the same. It didn’t really feel like home anymore. Part of him wished he could just stay in Louisiana; and maybe he could. The thought wasn’t so bad. 

He sighed for a moment, looking down at his duffle bag that he never really got around to fully unpacking in the first place from his last trip. He could use the travel, really; it’s not like he had any other plans anyway, and it was always a nice treat to visit the Wilsons. Plus, this would give him a lot of ammunition and blackmail to hold over Sam’s head for a good long while. He smiled at the thought of bantering and bickering with him as he packed, looking forward to getting to see him again, though he’d never in a million years admit it out loud.

-

The sun was starting to set over the water in Delacroix, the last few rays of sunlight beaming in through the windows and casting a warm glow over the living room. Sam laid exhausted on the couch, hopelessly flipping through different TV channels in hopes of finding something other than the countless shitty movies and reality shows that litter the guide on the screen. He sighed in defeat before giving up and leaving it on a channel showing a cheesy eighties action flick, tossing the remote aside and curling further into his blanket.

“You feeling any better today?” Sarah asked from the kitchen, starting to cut up some vegetables to prepare dinner for the night: a nice and hearty vegetable stew.

“No,” Sam groaned softly, his voice weak from illness. “If anything, today’s been worse.”

She sighed, and he felt a stab of guilt at the sound. He hated putting all this on her. “Well, we’ve just gotta make sure you’re taking meds at the right times then and try and stay on top of that fever. Plenty of rest and fluids, it’ll be gone in no time. Can’t keep Captain America down for too long.”

He chuckled, knowing she was giving him shit for his new title. It was still taking some time for everyone to get used to, especially himself. No one had exactly seen it coming. 

He hated this, all of it. He hated feeling this sick and miserable, and he hated being so useless and unable to help Sarah out around the house and with the boys. He knew she managed just fine on her own in the years that he was gone, but part of him will always feel a need to help and protect her whenever he can. She had gotten used to having him around lately, and had shared some of her responsibilities with him so that she wouldn’t be so overwhelmed with the workload. Now that he was unable to help take some of that weight off her shoulders, she’s been a lot more noticeably stressed out since he got sick.

His phone rang then, and he lifted it to see that it was Joaquin video calling him. He reluctantly hit the accept button; not because he didn’t enjoy talking to Joaquin, just that it was a little difficult to talk at all in his current state.

“Hey man!” Joaquin greeted him through the phone. “Oh, shit, you don’t look so good. You alright?”

“Yeah, just got a cold,” Sam responded quietly. It hurt his throat a little to speak, but he was fairly sure he could handle a brief phone call for now. “What’s up?”

“I was just checking in to say hey. You mentioned not feeling so hot so I just wanted to see how you were doing. Anything I can do to help? I could DoorDash you some soup or medicine or something.”

It earned a good laugh from Sam, possibly being the only real smile he had cracked yet today. “Nah, man, I’m alright. I doubt any sane Dasher would come this far out, anyways.”

“Well, offer’s still on the table if you end up changing your mind,” Joaquin said earnestly. “I’ll let you go for now, though. Rest up buddy, and take care! I’ll be thinking of you. Hope you heal up fast!”

“Yeah, me too,” Sam replied, exhaustion clear in his voice. He was on day three of the cold now, with no sign of it improving. He was starting to get really tired of it. “I’ll keep in touch. Thanks for checking in.”

“No problem, man. And seriously, rest up, you sound like shit,” Joaquin laughed. “Okay bye, talk soon.”

“Seeya.”

Once the call had ended, Sam finally let out a couple of coughs that he had been holding in and took a big long sip of his water; engaging that much in a conversation, even if it was short, had rendered him a little worse off than he was before he took the call. Saying a couple short sentences a day was one thing, but his throat was seriously sore, and he sounded absolutely miserable with how nasally his voice was from being so congested. He let out a deep sigh before unwrapping yet another cough drop and tossing it in his mouth, closing his eyes and leaning his head back on the couch.

Suddenly Sam heard the sound of a motorcycle approaching the house. He was a little too fatigued and feverish to connect the dots immediately, but he lifted his head and squinted his eyes at Sarah in confusion, wondering who or what the hell it could be before it finally clicked in his head after a few too many moments.

“You didn’t,” he said around the cough drop, unable to believe what he thought might have happened without him knowing.

“I had to!” she responded, her hands going up to defend herself from Sam’s criticism that she could already tell was coming. She moved quickly around the kitchen, trying her best to get dinner done in a timely manner and avoid getting any more grief from her brother. Sam noticed now that she was preparing five bowls instead of four, and he heard the motorcycle outside turn off.

“You really didn’t,” he said, exhausted. He tried to stand up slowly, grumbling to himself in the process. “Now I’ve gotta deal with his ass. Can’t just have my damn stew in peace.”

“Would you calm down? This is a good thing,” Sarah chastised him, getting irritated with his attitude. “Having an extra set of hands around here will be a big help. Not that you’d know what accepting help feels like,” she added, the last sentence being said under her breath, but still loud enough for Sam to hear.

Dumbfounded, Sam opened his mouth to hit her with another smartass reply, but he was interrupted by a knock at the door. 

Sarah quickly dumped a chopped up onion into the pot of broth on the stove before going over to the door, unlocking it and opening it for none other than the one and only James Buchanan Barnes to enter the house with a bag slung over his shoulder. He moved his sunglasses to rest on top of his head before he smiled at Sarah, and she went in for a hug. Sam could feel his fever rising as his blood boiled at the sight of it.

“Welcome back!” she said excitedly, looking him over. “I’m glad you could make it! Do you need help with your bag or anything?”

“I am too,” Bucky replied through a smile, his voice dropping lower than it needed to. “And no, I should be alright, thanks. Whatever’s cookin’ smells real good, what’s for dinner?” He freely carried himself throughout the space as he responded, and his familiarity and comfortability with the house made Sam feel a little funny.

“Just some stew, nothing fancy,” she said as she went back to stirring the pot and starting to chop up more ingredients. “Make yourself comfortable.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” Bucky drawled casually, walking over to where Sam was standing by the couch. He set his bag down and got a good look at him, head to toe. “Not looking so hot, Cap. Feeling a little under the weather?”

“Something like that,” Sam rasped before a cough broke through involuntarily. He sat back down on the cushions, grabbing for his water bottle, but Bucky was faster; he handed it to him gently, and Sam eyed him, annoyed, before reluctantly taking it from his hand. “Thanks.”

“Yeah,” Bucky responded a little quietly, pursing his lips. Sam knew his annoyance with the gesture didn’t go unnoticed. “You’re welcome.”

A door opened down the hall, and Bucky heard them before he saw them. “Is that uncle Bucky?!” Cass yelled excitedly, and both boys ran towards him as fast as they could.

“It sure is!” Bucky beamed back, reaching down a little to meet them halfway, picking them both up in each arm and swinging them around the living room with a big smile. Bucky had always been a natural when it came to the boys, and Sam found himself feeling a tinge of fondness seeing them all get along so well. Bucky used his vibranium arm to lift AJ up onto his shoulders, still swinging Cass around in a circle. “I’m playing doctor for uncle Sammy this week, if you can believe it.”

“No way!! A whole week? That’ll be so awesome!!” Cass exclaimed, as Bucky started to set them both back down on their feet.

“Yeah,” Sam groaned, barely audible. His voice dripped with sarcasm and with dread. “So awesome.”

“Could you pick me up from school one day this week so that everyone will see that I’m friends with the Winter Soldier and think I’m super cool?” AJ asked quickly, looking up at him expectantly. 

Bucky laughed nervously, looking over towards Sam for help. Seeing him look so lost and unsure what to say was endearing and funny enough to make Sam crack a bit of a smile.

“Actually yeah,” he said. “I’m usually the one who picks them up. They’ve had to carpool the past couple days.”

“Well, uh,” Bucky started, “my bike can only really fit two, and I don’t wanna try and stick ‘em both on there. Could I borrow your car?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. Just get ‘em on time.”

“Alright boys,” Sarah interrupted from the kitchen, stirring the stew and turning the stove down. “Dinner’s ready, come get it.”

Sam went to stand, but Bucky gently put his hand up to stop him.

“Stay put,” he said, “I’ll get you some.”

Sam found the charity somewhat irritating at first; but he couldn’t deny that he really did not want to get up to get his own bowl. So to have Bucky bring one over to him was… nice.

The boys both ran over to the kitchen, grabbing their bowls and waiting patiently for Sarah to be done serving herself before they stepped in to get their own stew. As they did, Bucky moved to the other side of the kitchen and got out four glasses from the cabinet, opening up the fridge to get out the pitcher of sweet tea, filling them all up with ice before pouring the tea in. Sam furrowed his brow in confusion; he remembered Bucky being obsessed with Sarah’s sweet tea the first time he tried it. Why wasn’t he having a glass?

He set three of the teas at the table, then brought the last one over to the couch. He then, though, set the tea down on the coffee table, not in front of Sam but a good ways beside his water bottle, right in front of the other seat on the couch. 

“You don’t need the sugar,” Bucky deadpanned preemptively, already seeing Sam’s glare and knowing he was about to complain. He picked up Sam’s water bottle, making his way back to the kitchen.

“I don’t remember you being a doctor,” he shot back anyway, challenging him with an angry stare.

“Sam,” Sarah firmly chastised from her seat at the table. “Quit it.”

Bucky chuckled, and looked back over to him with a mischievous grin. “Yeah Sam,” he said with raised eyebrows, continuing his trek to the kitchen to get their dinner and fill up Sam’s water.

Sam grumbled to himself, wanting to argue yet again but choosing instead to just grind his jaw and crunch up the remains of his cough drop so that he could eat. With the way things were already going, he swore to himself that he’d kill Bucky before the week was over.

-

Like every night before, Sam’s symptoms got worse once night fell. Blowing his nose every ten minutes and barely able to speak, he was popping cough drops constantly, putting in a new one almost as soon as the last one faded away. He didn’t feel up to doing anything other than laying his sorry ass on the couch with his blankets and flipping through the channels on TV, and he really, really just wanted to be alone; but that wasn’t an option right now, seeing as Bucky had to be here, sitting on the opposite end of the couch. He was at the very least thankful that he was being silent (it was easier that way to pretend he wasn’t even there), just reading one of his books while Sam lounged comfortably though unable to engage in conversation. He doubted he would want to even if he could.

He was tired, exhausted even, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep through the night. He never could when he was sick; each night he’d fall asleep, rest for an hour or two, wake up coughing or choking on his own spit, stay awake for an hour, fall asleep for another two hours or so, and repeat until he gave up on sleeping once the sun finally rose. It was miserable, and after several days, he was starting to feel the effects of sleep deprivation as well as the cold.

An alarm went off on Bucky’s phone then, startling Sam out of his thoughts.

“What’s that for?” he croaked, instantly regretting it when he felt the dull swollen ache in his throat and heard how pitiful his voice sounded.

Bucky looked at him with pursed lips. “Your medicine,” he said. “It helps to keep you on a schedule.”

Sam huffed in annoyance, but he was too tired to argue.

Bucky put a bookmark in his book and stood from his spot at the couch, taking Sam’s lack of protest as acceptance. Wordlessly he made his way into the kitchen, sorting through the medicine cabinet because he knew just where everything was, and Sam decided to ignore yet again the way that made him feel. He was tired, that was all. That’s why he was overthinking the way Bucky occupied the space like he belonged there, surely. That was all it was.

Sam turned his attention back to the TV, choosing to focus instead on the rerun of Bar Rescue that was currently playing, even though he had been watching this same damn show for hours now and he had kind of lost interest in how much alcohol this particular bar was wasting every month.

Bucky returned after a few minutes, longer than Sam expected it to take to pour out a little dose of cough syrup, but when he did he saw it was because he was also holding a steaming hot mug in his other hand.

“Made you some tea,” he said, setting the mug down on the coffee table in front of Sam. “Should help you sleep.”

Sam just stared up at him, feeling frustration bubbling up in him at the feeling of being constantly coddled like this, but he was too exhausted to put up too much of a fight. He could manage a little bit though.

“I don’t like tea.”

Bucky sighed, irritated but not surprised by Sam’s resistance. “Just drink it.”

Still glaring, he wordlessly reached for the medicine in Bucky’s hand and downed it like a shot, not wanting the taste to linger. His nose scrunched up at the flavor anyway and he reluctantly reached for the tea, blowing on it for a moment before giving it a sip. It actually wasn’t too bad; he could taste the lemon, honey, ginger, and…

“Is that whiskey?”

“Yeah, it is,” Bucky replied, beginning to walk back over to the kitchen to put the medicine back up. “It’s a hot toddy. You’ve never had one?”

“No. Sounds old.”

Bucky chuckled a bit in response. “I guess it is. I used to make ‘em a lot back in the day, they work real well, trust me.” He then came back over to stand by the couch, looking down at where Sam was laying.  He thought for a moment, and his eyes squinted just a bit. “Do you wanna sleep out here or in the bedroom?”

“I’m fine here,” Sam replied, his voice barely registering above a whisper. The drink was helping, though, as much as he hated to admit it. “You can take the bed.”

Bucky nodded, sitting back down in his spot at the end of the couch and picking his book back up. “‘Kay.”

Sam kept sipping on his mug, drinking on it slowly until the last of it was barely warm. He felt his eyes slowly getting heavier as well, also due to the nighttime medicine making him drowsy and sleepy. It wasn’t long before he couldn’t fight to stay awake any longer, finally letting his eyelids fall shut and stay that way, curled up into his blankets.

-

He woke up with a sharp and fearful intake of breath, sitting up straight as quick as a bullet and immediately starting to cough up the phlegm that had tried to choke him in his sleep. As soon as he did, Bucky was at his side in a moment’s notice, kneeling beside the bed and gently rubbing his back while he held Sam’s water bottle in his other hand. It took Sam a few tries, but once he properly cleared his airways, he took several heavy and labored breaths to try and recover from the anxiety of it all and to return his breathing to normal as much as he could. Having Bucky there was definitely a help; whenever this would happen while he was alone, it took him a lot longer to calm himself down, nerves running rampant with the fact that he could have almost died from asphyxiation (or so he convinced himself).

With one last deep breath, he looked over at Bucky, who was closer to him than he expected him to be. He squinted in confusion as he huffed, and looked over to see a pile of blankets and pillows on the floor opposite the coffee table.

“You slept on the floor?” he whispered.

Bucky pursed his lips and nodded. “Yeah. I sleep better that way.”

Sam understood the sentiment; he remembered having a talk with Steve about it when they first met. Sam also understood but didn’t comment on the fact that it was probably also so that Bucky could keep a better eye on him this way. He decided yet another time that he didn’t want to explore how he felt about it.

Bucky handed him his water bottle, and he drank greedily. He needed to clear some of the thicker saliva out of his mouth so that he wouldn’t choke on it again, at least not for a while. The coolness of the ice-cold water made him sigh with relief as it eased some of the pain in his throat on the way down.

“Lean up a bit,” Bucky spoke softly, his hand leaving Sam’s back as he stood to grab another pillow from the other end of the couch. He slotted it behind Sam, stacking it with the pillows that were already there. “You gotta stay upright.”

Sam leaned back into the new pillow arrangement, and it felt all wrong. He didn’t know if he could sleep sitting up, and when he tried to rest his head, his neck bent at an awkward angle. He scowled and scooted down the cough enough to get comfortable, trying his best to stay as vertical as he could.

“There,” Bucky said, standing up and stepping back. Sam noticed he was only wearing a pair of lounge shorts, his dog tags dangling over his bare chest. “That should help.”

“Why are you doing all this?” he heard himself say, not entirely intending to speak his thoughts aloud. His voice was soft and slow with sleep as the question fell out. “Going through all this trouble just for me?”

Bucky took in a breath before responding. “Because you’re my friend, and I care about you.”

Sam would be lying if he said his heart didn’t skip a beat at that; getting Bucky to admit literally anything about his feelings (in any form other than a complaint) was no small feat. He smiled a little at the thought of being the reason for it. “Thank you, Buck. It’s mutual.”

“Good,” Bucky huffed, his discomfort palpable. He clearly was not used to this kind of talk. “If you tell anyone I said that, I’ll deny it.”

Sam huffed out a small laugh. “Of course. Can’t have people knowing the Winter Soldier’s gone all soft.”

“Exactly. I’ve got a reputation to keep.”

Sam laughed again and pulled his blankets tighter to him, getting as comfortable as he could in his new sleeping position. He turned his head to the side and let his eyes drift shut for a moment. “Aren’t you nervous about getting sick, though?”

“Perk of the serum. Haven’t been sick since the thirties.”

“What makes you so good at all this then?” Sam asked, his voice becoming less and less audible as he felt himself start to get sleepy again. “The caring stuff.”

Bucky paused and looked down at the floor for a moment before gathering himself. “I used to care for Steve a lot when he’d get sick. Which was pretty much all the time, so I learned a few tricks along the way. Glad they’re coming in handy.”

“Me too,” Sam mumbled, the words barely coming out. “He was… real lucky.”

Sam didn’t stay awake long enough to hear the way Bucky’s breath hitched at the comment, or see the way his eyes watered ever-so-slightly; but when he fell back asleep, he slept through the night for the first time all week, knowing that Bucky was right there next to him.

Would love initial opinions/critique on this if you have any !! And again this is only a WIP, I'll probably keep posting more WIPs as I work on it and I'll make a little announcement post whenever I finish it and post it on my AO3. Just wanted to get a little bit of it out there after talking about it for so long. Anyway thank you for reading I hope you have a nice day :]

[bella-rose29]

Deck the Halls (and not your partner) - part 7

the mistletoe scene I have to give credit to the lovely @novelizt because of this post

this is basically just 3.5k words of fluff to make up for all the pain I put you through the last two parts

Word count: 3.5k

Warnings: swearing, making out (it's happening people, but also it's mildly in detail so for the one tiny paragraph feel free to skip if you're either not comfortable with it or not old enough), Will asks the important questions (both sensible and not), brief mentions of self-esteem issues? lockwood is a bit silly at the end, actually they both are

series master list

(why does he look like this :3 😭)

"What?" Y/n breathed. She wasn't entirely sure that she'd heard Lockwood correctly.

"I said that I think I've fallen for you."

He looked so sincere, his eyes more vulnerable than she had ever seen them before, and Y/n felt her heart constrict in her chest.

"You..."

"I know, I know." He rubbed his hand over his face, turning to lean back against the window. The mistletoe still hung at his side in his other hand.

"But you were horrible to me! From the very start!"

"I know. I was awful to you that first night and my only excuse is that I was exhausted and in desperate need of my bed, which I know isn't good enough. And then when you came in for your interview I just didn't want to be the one responsible if anything happened to you - wait, that came out wrong. You walked into the doorframe, Y/n. I was worried that you'd hurt yourself on a job, and I didn't want to get too attached to you in case that happened and you got injured or hospitalised or worse and I couldn't do anything to stop it. When I saw how easily the others took to you I knew that I was doomed," he let out a laugh, shaking his head. Y/n hoped he realised how ridiculous he sounded. "I know that doesn't excuse my actions, Y/n, but I meant what I said about that job we took in March. I really thought I wouldn't get there in time and I was terrified."

"Lockwood... you can't just... say that! I mean, you have said some genuinely horrible things to me and now you're saying that you - you what? That you-"

"I don't know!" he cried, filled with exasperation. "Alright? I don't know how else to describe it! I don't know if how I feel is love because I've never felt like this before, but I do know that I care about you far more than I should given I'm your boss, and I really don't know what would happen to me if you got seriously hurt, alright?" He was out of breath, cheeks flushed as he looked at her, and Y/n felt her own face heating up at his admission.

"Okay, okay," she said quietly, still processing everything he'd said. They stayed there for a few minutes, both leaning back against the windows as they tried to figure out what the hell they were going to do now. "I don't..." Y/n broke off with a sigh. She needed to phrase this right or they would be in even deeper shit than they were before. "I don't think I can just... forgive you, Lockwood. You have a lot - and I mean a lot - of grovelling to do to make up for how you've treated me these last few years." He nodded frantically, hope starting to shine in his eyes.

"Anything," he said. "Anything at all." She knew that he meant it.

"And I want to go on more cases if I'm staying at the company, because you can't just keep me behind because you think I'll walk into a doorframe."

"Done." He paused for a moment, looking like he wanted to say something else. "But you have-"

"Nope! No protests, thank you!" He stopped talking immediately, looking rather like a lost puppy as he gazed at her. "No more hating each other, either, although I feel like that's a given. And the first date had better be fucking incredible, alright?"

"... First... date?"

"Yeah, keep up, Schmoopie." She couldn't deny how her heart lifted at the sight of Lockwood looking so happy, and when he grinned her responding smile was involuntary.

"Wait... so do you... you know. How do you feel, about..." he waved his hands vaguely in the air, then accidentally hit himself in the face with the mistletoe. "Shit, I think that went in my eye. I forgot I was holding that," he grumbled, and Y/n didn't bother biting back her snort. He sent her a glare, but there was only amusement behind it.

"I don't really know, Lockwood."

"Anthony."

"What?"

"If we're going to start dating I'd much rather you called me Anthony." He blushed and went quiet as he looked out the window. "I like it better when you call me Anthony anyway. Sorry, I uh, I interrupted you."

"Oh, no, that's... that's alright. Uh... yeah. Like you said, I don't know how to describe it. I know that it really hurt me when you said that you wouldn't ever feel the same way, and I guess I just didn't want to admit to myself that I care about you a lot too because you were such a huge arsehole to me-"

"Yes, got it, sorry again."

"-but I do care about you, Anthony. A lot. And honestly that does annoy me because I'm pretty sure I've liked you since we met because I did think you were really gorgeous, except then you were really rude and-"

"Wait wait wait wait wait," he exclaimed, waving his hands in front of him. "You think that I'm gorgeous?"

Now it was Y/n's turn to feel her face heat up, and she swatted at his hands. "I did, yeah. Then you opened your mouth."

"Oh."

"Yeah." She waited a moment, then spoke again. "If you must know, I still think you're gorgeous," she muttered, and Anthony lit up, a smug smile landing on his face. Surprisingly she'd missed them, and while she still felt the burning flames in her body at the sight of that stupid smirk, it was no longer hatred.

He stepped forward a little (only a little, since they were back to being incredibly close to each other) and held the mistletoe in both of his hands. "Your grandma Jean gave it to me," he said. "She told me we might need it because it used to be a symbol of peace, and if people met under it they had to stop fighting." They both had been looking down at the plant, but when Anthony lifted his head so did she, and her breath caught in her throat at the look in his eyes.

"So you want to kiss me again?"

"I mean, I wouldn't be entirely opposed to that, if you're offering."

"Really? Really, Anthony?" Her tone was joking, but she felt him move back almost imperceptibly when she didn't immediately agree to it, and her heart skipped a beat when she realised he was waiting for her permission.

"Well I can't kiss you if we aren't under it, can I? So I don't know what you're so worried about, darling."

"Better try and catch me then if you want a kiss," she teased, and leapt away a second later.

"We're running now? When we've just had a huge meal?" He stepped forward anyway, and Y/n laughed with pure joy when he started chasing her around the room, attempting to catch her but just missing every time. Finally she tripped, catching her foot on the corner of the bed, and Anthony swept her into his arms to stop her from hitting the floor. Instead they hit the mattress, Y/n landing on her back and Anthony on top of her, his arms bracing his body while he still clutched the mistletoe in his left hand. They were both breathing heavily from the last five minutes of running and laughing, and now their faces were so close together that they were essentially kissing already.

Anthony held up the mistletoe over their heads the best he could while simultaneously not collapsing on Y/n, and he raised his eyebrows at her. "May I kiss you, darling?" She couldn't speak, so she nodded instead, and within a second his mouth was on hers, somehow better than it had been the first time. It was tentative and small, and he pulled back to flick his gaze between her eyes and her lips. It had left her breathless despite how short it had been, and before she could think they were crashing into each other with the same passion as they had the night before, her hands lifting to grab his hoodie and his hair in desperation. At some point Anthony dropped the mistletoe to move his hand to her waist and bring her closer to him.

There was nothing but him, nothing but the weight of his body on top of hers and his hands touching her and his tongue in her mouth, and then he was pulling back for air and she was chasing after his lips, and he was smiling down at her like she was the only thing that mattered.

For whatever reason, they started laughing, Anthony dropping his head to nestle in the crook of her neck while Y/n wrapped her arms around his torso to bring him impossibly closer.

"So... does this mean I can call you my girlfriend?" he asked, hope making him light up like the Christmas tree they had in the living room.

"Yes, Anthony, you can call me your girlfriend," she laughed, and it turned into a snort when he got up and did a celebratory dance. "You're ridiculous, you know that?"

"Oh, believe me darling, I am fully aware."

~~~

"Hey, Squeak. You alright?"

Y/n had been sitting in the library, staring out the window at the snow that had started falling while she tried to concentrate on the book in her hands. Anthony had been called into the living room by her parents, and they'd parted with a not-so-small kiss just out of view of her family. Will had apparently managed to find her, and was settling into the opposite side of the window seat that she was occupying. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"I dunno. You seemed a bit... off. At dinner. Is everything alright with you and Lover Boy?"

"Oh," her face burned at the memory of what had happened barely twenty minutes ago. "Yeah, we're all good." She awkwardly sent him a thumbs up, her smile more of a grimace than anything else, and Will looked unconvinced.

"What's really going on, Y/n/n? Because if I need to beat him up-"

"NO! No, don't... don't beat up my boyfriend, please." It felt weird calling Anthony her boyfriend now, despite it being more real than it ever had been before. "Really, we're fine."

"Fine? You're fine? What did you two talk about upstairs? Because I'm pretty sure I heard shouting."

"We were just..." At the look on her brother's face she trailed off, and glanced at the door to make sure it was closed. "What exactly did Mum say when she got off the phone with me a few days ago?"

"What do you mean?"

"When she told people that I had a boyfriend, what did she say? How did you find out?"

"Mum went into the kitchen to take your call because we were all in here playing board games, and then we heard her shout 'You have a boyfriend?!' and Linda went to investigate, and then you turned up with Lover Boy."

"And are you sure that Mum wasn't just... making it up for some reason?"

"Why would she make it up?"

"Because I didn't have a boyfriend, Will."

"But... if you don't have a boyfriend then why the hell are you making out with your boss?"

"We are not making out!"

"Sure. But when you kissed yesterday under that mistletoe," he pointed to where it hung over the library door, "I definitely saw tongue."

"WILL!" She picked up the nearest pillow and chucked it at his head, then hid her face behind her book. "Oh my god, this is not happening."

"Ok, but that still doesn't answer my question," he said after half-heartedly throwing the pillow back at her. "If you didn't have a boyfriend, then why is your boss here saying that you're dating?"

"Because I made him. We actually can't stand each other. Or, we couldn't. We made up. Ugh, this is complicated. We have hated each other for about three years and then when Mum said very loudly that I was bringing my boyfriend to Christmas in front of Linda I didn't have much of a choice but to bring someone or face utter humiliation. Apparently nobody wanted to go to the middle of the countryside for three days with a complete stranger and pretend to be her boyfriend so I had to ask Anthony because George was already busy, and honestly I think we did a pretty good job of hiding the fact that we hated each other."

"And the shouting was you making up? Or were you angrily making out?"

"Will! Fuck's sake! Making up. I did tell him he's got a lot of grovelling to do, but now we're actually together."

"So you did make out."

"What's with the weird obsession about whether or not I'm making out with him?"

"I just like making you uncomfortable. That's my job."

"Well quit your job and get a different one." They sat in silence for a while, just staring out the window at the dark landscape. Although she knew that Will couldn't see them, she still pointed out the few ghostly figures that she saw. Her Sight wasn't nearly as good as Anthony's when she wasn't using her Touch, but she could still make out the glowing shapes in the fields.

"While we're on the topic of jobs... I'm guessing you're not leaving the company anymore," he said after a while.

"What?" she asked, startled by his words. "What do you mean?"

"I heard you at dinner, Squeak. You said you were gonna leave the company. I didn't hear anything else 'cause Nanna Jean was talking to me about her garden again for like, the eighth time today, but when I heard you say that... I dunno. You love your job, and I didn't think there was anything that would make you leave it."

"I wouldn't have stopped being an agent, I would have just moved company. He said a lot of mean things, and in fairness I said some horrible shit too, but he's not got that much power over me."

"Squeak... are you sure you wanna be dating him? If he hurt you so bad that you wanted to leave the company then I don't know if it's the best idea," Will frowned, concern in every inch of his body.

"I know. If he fucks this up then I am leaving. Properly. Because I know that it's not... ugh, I don't know. I was just tired of not being treated in the same way that he treated the others, and he's explained why he was like that, and he was weirdly similar to a puppy when he apologised - not that that convinced me to date him, by the way - and I really hurt him too, over the years."

"Just... out of interest... what exactly did you say to each other that made you start hating each other this much?"

"I was walking back from a solo case, walked into him, apologised, stepped on his shoes, and he told me that he'd just bought them in the most stuck-up voice I had ever heard and it pissed me off." Will stared at her.

"That's... it?"

"To be fair I then went for an interview at his company, didn't realise it was him, and the moment I walked in he went 'we don't want agents like you' or something, so... you know!"

"Okay... that's still not a lot though. You really started what, three years of hatred based on... on that?"

"Well, when you put it that way it sounds stupid, but-"

"No, no 'buts', missy," Will said, waggon his finger at her. "It is just plain stupid. Did you actually hurt each other or were you too busy being idiots?"

"In fairness I really struggle with keeping up to other peoples' standards, alright?! And it did hurt that nothing I did ever seemed to be enough to make him like me!"

"With the way he was talking about you, he definitely likes you. And thinks you're good enough. You have nothing to worry about there, that's for sure." Y/n flushed at Will's words, thinking back to what she'd overheard Anthony say in this same room the day before.

"So explain to me your feelings on this? Because I feel like you went through every emotion known to man just now."

"I initially thought you two were great together because you're a lot more confident in yourself when he's around, then you told me you weren't together and I was incredibly confused, then you told me that you hated each other and I was even more confused, then you told me that you are actually together now and I was happy, and then you told me that he was horrible to you and I wanted to beat him up, and then you told me that you stepped on his shoes and that's why you hate each other and I was confused again. Make sense?"

"Just about. It wasn't just me stepping on his shoes that-"

"Nope!" Will turned his head away, lifting his hand out in front of him to stop her. "I don't want to hear anymore of this silliness, thank you very much!"

"But it-"

"Nope!" Will pushed forward, grabbing the pillow that he had earlier thrown back to Y/n and whacked her around the head with it. "Nope, nope, nope!" Each 'nope' was punctuated with another hit, and Y/n barely had time to pick up the other pillow and fight back before he was swinging again.

~~~

"Hey," Y/n whispered to Anthony as she came over. He had been sat in the loveseat again (he was almost completely certain that Y/n's family were leaving it specifically for the two of them to use, since her five siblings were squished up on one of the sofas most of the time), and he put down his mug of tea to help her sit comfortably.

"Hi," he whispered back, immediately wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her back to curl into him. She brought her legs up to hook over his and was turned sideways in the seat, her head nestling into his shoulder. He picked up his tea again and was about to take a sip when Will burst into the living room, board game in hand and a slightly crazed look in his eyes.

"We're playing Yahtzee! Everybody take a sheet, you don't have a choice in this!"

"Is this the one you're terrible at?" Anthony asked, speaking quietly into Y/n's ear, and he chuckled when she slapped his arm.

"You can't be terrible at Yahtzee, Anthony, it's a fucking dice game. It's based on luck, idiot."

"Oh, right, silly me. I meant charades. That one you are truly awful at."

"Just because you get really into it and put on ridiculously large hats doesn't mean I'm awful at it," she responded indignantly. "Also, by the way, the use of props is against the rules of charades, so technically you've lost every single one you've done."

"I have not!" he jokingly started, putting on an accent and pretending to be mad. "I am the best at charades! How dare you accuse me of- mmph!" Y/n shut him up by pressing a kiss to his lips, and while he sat there for a moment with his eyes wide open and his posture incredibly tense, he quickly relaxed into it. He still wasn't used to kissing her, and he didn't think that he ever would be, and when she pulled away a few seconds later he was left to chase after her mouth while she giggled.

"Sure, whatever makes you happy, Ant." That was another thing he'd never get used to. The way she said his name. He didn't think he'd heard anything sweeter, and then she was laughing at something one of her family members had said and he realised that he would spend his whole life documenting which of all the things she did was the most heavenly.

"You're what makes me happy, darling," he mumbled, not expecting her to hear. She looked round at him, surprise on her face. He thought she might say something nice in response, but instead when she opened her mouth something else came out.

"You are so cheesy, Anthony Lockwood."

"I'm just getting started, darling. Like you said, I have a lot of grovelling to do. I hope you're ready for how cheesy I can be." Y/n wrinkled her nose in disgust, but the wide grin on her face gave her away.

"That sounded weird," she said, and he leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to her nose. He shrugged in response.

"You're just going to have to get used to it, I'm afraid."

"Good. Hopefully you'll finish all the grovelling needed by the time you're about thirty, then."

"I'm grovelling every second of every day if it means I get to keep you near me, darling," he replied, and he revelled in the flush that crept up her neck. He accepted his score sheet from Will (who was getting very serious about the game, making sure that nobody would be cheating by using loaded dice), and took a sip of tea.

Then he nearly spat it out when he fully registered what Y/n had said.

"Thirty?!"

part 8

Tag list (once more hoping that this is everyone): @ahead-fullofdreams, @aislinrayne, @anathemaloren, @anthgoldenhrry, @augustisintheair, @avdiobliss, @aysha4life, @bobbys-not-that-small, @briar-rose23, @curseofhecate, @dangelnleif, @edible-rat-vomit, @el-de-phi, @ell0ra-br3kk3r, @ettadear, @fearlessmoony, @fudosl, @idkbubs, @imaginebeingmentallystable, @informedimagining, @karensirkobabes, @lady-ashfade, @light-23, @locklyebrainrot, @locklyle1kanij, @locknco, @magicandrosewaters, @mentallyillsodapop, @mischivana, @mitskiswift99, @mrsklockwood, @mrsyixingunicorn10, @newbooksmell777, @no-morning-glories, @novelizt, @phlooper, @ran23sblog, @reggiepeterss, @simrah1012, @somethingrandomwatzit, @star-of-velaris, @superpositvecloudshipper, @t2sh0, @taygrls, @tournesol77, @whistle1whistle, @whenselenefallsinlove, @wordsarelife, @y0urm0m12

let me know if you want to be added to/removed from the tag list! <3

[pleasuresofsohodolls]

HEAVY AS LEATHER ִֶ ࣪˖

Basically Infected!Reader's Introduction !! I've been working on the character of the reader more and lowk actually like it now 🤞🏻

Warning(s) : Reader is 12 in this one since its the origin, I am very English I will get things about the American Education System wrong, Violence, Blood, Gore, Body Horror (?), Injuries, Person Called Jake, Mentions of Parents Fighting, Mild Language, Shitty Writing, Unedited But Will Be !

Uneasy, sick, any word under the umbrella was how you were feeling right now - and how you had felt the whole school day.

You were in history right now - a subject you actually quite enjoyed despite the shitty old teacher that taught it. She was genuinely such an old cow with her frizzy perm and too-big glasses.

Either way, you had just felt overall off today since you woke up.

You'd woken up earlier than usual - five in the morning despite not even having to leave the house until quarter past seven. You tried restlessly to fall asleep, and it wasn't until you dad's work alarm for six started buzzing that you gave up.

So you got up earlier than usual, and the only bonus to this was that you could use your mums super special face cream that she always hid from you (under the sink is not as good as a hiding place she thinks it is).

You said goodbye to your dad once you'd finished in the bathroom, giving him an awkward side hug due to the unresolved fight that had happen between your parents last night - one about you and your younger brother.

It was over some stupid shit, your mum complaining he spent too much time at work or with 'The Boys', and he was shouting back that he was allowed his own life away from his family.

Your brother was asleep during all of it, but you could barely sleep, only making the waking up so early aspect of your morning worse.

They did love each other and only got into the odd fight, but things were always so weird between the whole family for whatever reason for a day or two afterwards. But by day three, it was like a switch was flipped, and everything went back to normal. Odd.

By six thirty you had mad yourself some toast and butter, as well as some cereal for your brother since your mum would be waking the cute little six year old up soon, and sat on the sofa, flipping through the shitty morning TV shows until you just decided on the ever-lasting rerun of friends to wake yourself up with.

It's not like you hated your life or anything like that - if you weren't feeling so sick and tired you'd probably in less of a hater mood - but it's like you just knew something was wrong today, that something would happen.

By the time the bus had made it to your apartment complex, your brother was singing along to the Spongebob Squarepants theme tune and your mum was kissing your forehead goodbye, giving you a small grin before you began stepping down the cold stairwell.

You arrived at school at seven thirty on the dot, and everyone was talking. Literally everyone.

The second you walked in people were huddled around their phones, blocking half the lockers and chatting with wide eyes - and the other half were either doing their homework or grabbing a quick breakfast from the canteen - some soggy lucky charms no doubt.

That was when you heard something from one of the older kids : "Yeah, it's like some cannibal disease or something."

People were so gullible. As if anything like that could exist.

Yeah, totally.

First period has started at seven forty five and your class did independent work on reading 'The Outsiders' and planning on a whim of an essay. And instead of doing any of the work most people handing notes between themselves, and your friend passed you one reading : 'Seen the news ?'

The teacher just told you all to get on with it as she scrolled on her computer the whole lesson, squinting her glasses covered face at the screen as she mouthed the words from whatever it was she was reading - you managed to read the words 'Georgia' from her lips.

Second period was Maths, the worse, most made up thing in the world. But by this lesson you'd only felt more sick than this morning, as if your body was just waiting for something to happen.

The teacher was going over fractions, revisiting how to times and divide them, and most students just slept, something you were very tempted to join in on.

Just as you were a second away from the beautiful land of sleep - a noise came from the hallway. A crash, a bang, and then a yell, all one after the other. That most certainly woke people up.

The teacher paused, turning his head in the direction of the door as he pursed his lips, as if debating whether to go check it out, but overall ended up just carrying on with the lesson.

Third period wasn't too bad, you weren't necessarily the best at science but you were doing stuff on different cells and immune systems, how they work together to fight infections and bacteria, fairly interesting stuff.

It was a group project (you got to choose them, thank The Lord), but everyone seemed a little tense as you worked on the project. You and you friends were all going on about the finale of Season Five of Supernatural, and how sad you all were that it was the last ever episode of the show.

Then, you heard someone whisper to their friend : "Dude, did you hear? Some kid in another school attacked their French teacher. Bit her on the neck."

The teacher just slapped them along the head and told them to stop spreading rumours.

And now you're hear, in History, your weird sickness hadn't gotten worse since maths, which was probably a good thing, and you were learning about the Civil War. All exciting stuff.

But you couldn't focus for the life of you. Everyone was shuffling around on their desks, not so sneakily checking their phones under the table and muttering stuff over the teacher.

And the weirdest thing was, the cranky bitch didn't seem to care for once in her horrible old life, she just carried on yapping about Abraham Lincoln and how he helped in the war.

Your friend had just leant over to tell you something when a sudden loud bang could be heard echoing through the halls, followed by another scream - the second time today that had happened.

Mrs Hannigan quickly rushed to the door, slamming it shut with as much force her frail body could and pulled down the shutters, even going as far as to turn the light off.

"Stay quiet and just listen to me, no shuffling."

"What a weirdo," Your friend finally muttered something to you, causing you to smile at her words.

"So dramatic," You muttered back, immediately noticing the way Mrs Hannigan was glaring at the two of you.

By the time lunch rolled around the sick feeling in your stomach had dissipated, instead switched with an insane amount of hunger as you and three of your friends rushed to the queue for the meal of the day - chicken nuggets and mash potatoes, arguably the most delicious simple meal in the world, especially since the school makes sure there are no lumps in the mash at all, it's heaven.

"Jake won't stop going on about this video he saw of this guy going absolutely feral at these police officers, it's so annoying," Mary moaned as she got her tray loaded up by the smiley (most certainly deaf) dinner lady.

"Don't even, my dad was going on about it the whole drive here," Abby whined back grabbing a bottle of water from one of the shelves.

"Is that the thing people have been going on about today? People randomly attacking others?" You asked when your chicken nuggets got plated and the three of you could finally find the other people of your friend group in the cafeteria.

"Yeah! The trend started in like - China or somethin', I dunno," Abbey shrugged as she took a seat next to one of your other friends - Jane - and you and Mary sat opposite them, Mary next to Jake and you next to Leah.

"Sounds like some made up stories to me," Leah mumbled as she bit into her sandwich - she was ever the joyous one.

"I dunno, if I had the strength I'd probably batter some police officers too, sounds fun," You grin as you take a bite of your nugget, noticing Jake staring at you.

"Have you even seen the full video?" He asked, immediately reaching into his pockets to grab his phone and unlock it.

"Well fucking done," Mary groaned, stuffing a spoonful of mash into her mouth with her head in her other hand, as if she was trying to block her brain from Jake's existence.

Jake started to make a come hither motion with his hand as he looked down at the screen in front of him, attempting to set up the video, "C'mere," He told you, turning his head to you as you stood up and walked over to where he was, leaning over his shoulder to see his phone.

It was some birds-eye-view video of this guy quite literally going feral at these police officers, scratching and running and being over all crazy.

"Is he from the looney bin-"

"Shush," Jake replied, making sure your eyes stayed pierced to the screen. And that's when it happened - the police officers began shooting like mad and nothing happened to the guy, he continued thrashing and going mental until one of the police officers shot him in the head.

You laughed slightly and Mary joined in, looking at Jake in disbelief as the others watched you curiously.

"That's the video you've been yapping about all day?" Mary asked with a teasing grin, looking at him as if he'd just told the funniest joke ever.

"You're so gullible," You laughed, tumbling back over to your seat when Jake tripped you up, "Bitch."

Leah turned her attention to something behind her while Jane started talking, "What was the-" She began before getting cut off by a cry.

You all quickly turned your head to see Marie - a girl in your grade passed out on the floor with a cut in her forehead from where she had banged it on the table, and her food scattered all around her.

"Holy shit!" Jake exclaimed as the teachers began surrounding her, all of their expressions growing grim as they looked at something that seemed to be on her exposed leg.

Lunch was shortened, annoyingly enough. But the plus side was that you got home from school earlier, so you'd remember to bless Marie for that during Sunday Mass.

The girls' locker room was filled with the usual chaos you'd expect - shouting, laughing, the sound of metal locker doors slamming shut, music coming from who knows where, and perfume being sprayed without a care in the world of the average asthma bearer.

You were just tying your sneakers when Mary began complaining about how the uniforms absolutely stink, which was fair enough - all they did was get sweaty twice a week.

You kept to yourself as Jane made some joke about smelling like a boy - while Abby added on that maybe hanging out with Jake too much had her turning into one, which made you smile a bit.

By the time everyone had made it onto the field the atmosphere was just overall weird - but your sick feeling stayed away for whatever reason. Must've just had a bad dream you don't remember or something last night.

The teacher seemed tense, as if they didn't know what to even say to their regular class of twelve year olds, while you just listened to the others gossiping about the odd rumour as you sat in a circle with your friends, waiting for the class to actually begin.

You heard something about a fight happening in the hallway with some older kids, another thing about a science teacher being ushered to the nurse's office after a student had 'lost it', and something else about Marie having to go hospital - that was the only one you really believed.

You were about to contribute to the conversation about whether Sam or Dean was the hotter brother before you saw someone collapse by the bleachers - again?

"The fuck," You muttered to no one in particular as you watched a teacher jog over.

"Isn't that girl like- homeless? She probably hasn't had water in a week," Abby said, trying to make sense of another person fainting in the span of what wasn't even an hour.

"Don't think that's how it works," Leah replied with one of her patronising grins, causing the rest of you to laugh while you just stared at the scene at the bleachers, the other kids being made to walk back onto the field while the teacher checked on them, and that's when the girl lunged.

You hit Leah and Jane's arms since they were the ones next to you and pointed to the teacher, a gasp leaving your lips at the sight of the Gym Coaches arm.

"She bit her!" You heard someone shout as the blood trailed down the poor woman's arm, and the girl continued trying to attack her.

You heard the other teacher shouting at everyone, but every word went through one ear and out the other - the only reason you even stood up and ran back to the school building was because Leah had the heart to drag you by the arm and practically pull you like a ragdoll. Ever the sweetheart.

By the time one p.m. had rolled around the intercom was blaring, telling students to stay in their classrooms and for those who were currently in the halls to just find any room to hide in until 'everything was sorted out'.

You still had no idea what the fuck was happening - the halls were crowded by panicking kids, shouting and screaming and shoving.

"Shit, shit, shit," You heard Leah mutter to herself as she tried to navigate the two of you through the crowd, preferably towards your French class where the others should be.

It was then that someone tugged on your hair, dragging you back and out of Leah's grasp towards the ground - only to step over you. What a fucking bitch.

"Leah!" You shouted as you began standing up, but then you felt a pressure in your right wrist.

It was a crushing force that stunned you, the grip of this thing was strong and secure, surely enough to break a bone. Then you felt your skin split - tear. It's not a clean cut, and the pain is ragged and burning, your nerves screaming at you as your literal flesh is ripped away.

You let out a blood-curdling scream and begin hitting the thing with your left hand, bashing down over and over until you brain caught up with your eyes and realised it was a person doing this to you - someone that must've been just a year older than you with a jaw that's got the strength of an elephant.

By the time you manage to get the fucker off of you you're sobbing in pain, gripping onto your wrist as you scramble yourself up in the slowly emptying halls.

You begin running. You don't know where, you don't know why but your body just tells you to keep running until your safe, alone.

It's when you run past one of the English classrooms that you stop, because thank the fucking Lord it's empty.

You practically slam the door behind you as you turn the lock and shut the blinds, slamming the light off and sliding down the door with a cry as the adrenaline starts running thin and the pain in your right wrist is back full fire.

The pain is hot and searing, with a deep, raw sensation as if something is festering within the ever-so hideous wound. Like genuinely, it's hideous and bloody. The skin around the bite is inflamed and tender to the touch, and you can actually see your veins turning...purple.

You bite your lip as you attempt to roll your wrist, only to be met with sharp, electric jolts of pain shooting through your forearm, causing you to let out a yelp and to curl in on yourself.

Blood is pouring out fast. It's thick and dark, dripping down your arm and onto your other hand, all the way onto your legs and shorts. It's thick and runny too.

It's pulsing as if it has a heartbeat, as if it's stealing the life from your lungs. You're only capable of sitting there in shock as your body starts shaking, struggling to process what the fuck is going on, and that nausea from early is back in full spring, only ten times worse than it was this morning.

The last bell never rung.

The halls were now deafly quiet aside from the small groan here and there.

You just held your arm, waiting to turn into one of those, waiting to just die from blood loss or something.

But it never came.

And then you passed out.

Not from infection, nor because you were about to die.

But because you were still tired from waking up so early.

[bogkeep]

okay i Finally. finished wind and truth

first i wanna preface that maybe i should've waited to read/listen to this book until i was in the right mood for it, and until i had some better Quality Audiobook Focus Time (which is usually when i work with clocks at school) instead of scattering it piecemeal throughout my winter break. at least the second half i've been listening to while assembling watches at my practice placement, which has worked very well.

as for the Mood, i just haven't been vibing that much with brandon sanderson's work lately, not because it's Bad or anything, it just hasn't been scratching the right itch. i still feel dismayed with all the worldhopper business and the MCU feel that they invoke in me. i also feel like the last two books have had more of a pathologizing bent to them, bringing contemporary psychology into a high fantasy world in a way that feels Weird. i loved the first three stormlight books so so much and they didn't feel Like That, i think. granted, i also read them for the first time before a kind of. uh. a period in my life that for better or for worse changed who i am as a person, and my tastes in stories might just have Changed.

i think the two first books especially have a much more limited scope, and stayed very close to their worldbuilding, which was a huge draw for me in the first place. but with the introduction of more and more Cosmere Lore and Off-World Characters it has gotten harder for me to keep up and keep invested in the larger plot, like... first we establish a lot of rules and now we insert elements that don't follow the established rules so keep up!! same goes with the modern psychology aspects - inserting concepts from our contemporary culture, particularly concepts that our perception of which changes frequently as we learn more about them, into a world as alien as roshar, just. feels intrusive! obviously i think roshar should have therapists, but it seems incredibly odd to me that nobody on this planet has "invented" therapy in any form for thousands of years. idk. i don't know how to feel about kaladin's therapist arc! thematically, as a synthesis between his medical identity and his military identity, i'd buy it. he's always been inspiring and has experience overcoming bad brain times. but in practice... idk!!! idk. i think angling it explicitly as therapy made it weird to me.

it was similar with shallan's plurality - book three had her accepting her plurality, and book four had this incredible intro with her being open about it, changing her hair color to indicate who was fronting, veil making friends with kaladin and adolin as her own person, i Loved That So Much. but then the book got like, Really medical and clinical about it, like you can tell the author talked to some people for increased accuracy, but it... mh. reducing shallan's alters from their own people to "no we are Purely a coping mechanism who only exist as training wheels to you" made me so sad. like, Thematically i understand why shallan's story is taking the integration route, but it made me so sad to fridge veil over it! like, several characters in these books get arcs centering about accepting their personhood and their right to exist in peace and make their own choices, but veil and radiant Don't Get That because the story hammers in that they're Just coping mechanisms. i would personally much have preferred that for shallan's character development, they relinquish their burdens to her (her Memories and her Violence) and then they could stay and exist and find identities beyond those burdens. maybe that's a radical take but it is my take

ANYWAY sorry that's a lot of lukewarm dismay. here's things i enjoyed:

- ace jasnah !!!! jasnah is ace.

- i really liked kaladin's, dalinar's, szeth's and adolin's arcs !

- genuinely dalinar is an incredibly written character and his arc over all five books is really really good and i think about dalinar moments often. i love that he has changed so much and still finds new ways to change. i can't believe it took like five books for me to go "wait is the way of kings just The Bible. is this an allegory for the bible" and even then i still think it works so so well. like i think his story would rule even if it was just straight up the bible and nohadon is jesus

- kaladin and syl dancing together <33333333

- very happy for renarin and rlain congrats to them

- the more i think about adolin's arc the more i love it. i love that he lost a leg Possibly Permanently. i love that he had a Privilege Revelation in the middle of a life or death fight. i love that he forms bonds with spren without oaths that rules so much

- gavinor as odium's champion was an inspired choice!!!!! i'm sad that he got sidelined so early when things could get soooo juicy

- i am So pleased szeth fired his spren. i am also very pleased that his spren got character development

- oh god when i realised szeth's mental illness arc was moral ocd. yowch (complimentary)

- szeth's story in general... man !!!!!!!

anyway that's what ive got for now. my freshest impressions straight from the oven

[eljackinton]

Alright, here's how I would reboot Doctor Who.

"For crying out loud, it's just a TV show!" - William Shatner, Saturday Night Live, 1986.

Part One: Baggage.

Let me get this out of the way first; I started watching Doctor Who when I was 6 years old. It was the 1993 Planet of the Daleks broadcast specifically. Obviously I wouldn't be writing a thing like this if I didn't immediately fall in love with the show. I spent the next decade of my life experiencing the show in bits and pieces. A recording from UK Gold here, a boxed set rented from the library there. The show formed a core of my being, of that there is no doubt, even though in the grand scheme of things it was just a TV show.

The 1990s and 2000s were a long crawl for the show's cultural irrelevancy. Being into the Doctor Who was genuinely considered weird. "Cult." Conventions were humble and somewhat offbeat affairs. That being said, we were content in our irrelevancy. The wilderness years brought forth some of the best Doctor Who stories we as fans got to experience. The Doctor Who magazine comic strips. The Big Finish audios. The New Adventures and BBC books.

Yet we always hoped against hope that the show would come back one day. Air on TV. New stories week after week, become truly mainstream again, and like a monkey's paw that wish came true.

I'm not going to waste time airing my grievances here. I never particular cared for the 2005 - 2010 years. There was just something about that era that never really gelled for me. That being said, I can't deny that there were moments that I enjoyed, or even loved. Dalek. Blink. Doomsday. Time Crash. Moments where I could be a fan without reservations. Still, it never really clicked.

The Moffat era was a marked improvement for me, though to be honest it still felt compromised by some of the tonal hangovers from the RTD era. It wouldn't be until Peter Capaldi's final season that I felt like Doctor Who was finally starting to resemble what I originally fell in love with, and, ironically, I would enjoy the Chibnall era without reservations at all. I know that isn't a popular opinion, but I genuinely enjoyed that era.

Hence I was sad to see it go in 2022. I was less than pleased to here RTD was being brought back to revitalise the show, but I was willing to give him a fair shake. We'd both changed over the last 20 years. No reason to come at it with any previous baggage.

Well, anyway, turns out the RTD revival era would be turbo-not-to-my-particular-tastes-3000.

Part Two: Throwing out the baggage.

So, what was the point of all that preamble? Well, as Shatner's maxim denotes, only a fool gets so invested in a TV show that it takes over their entire life. My days of fuming over farting aliens and duplicate David Tennants is long over. People love that era, and for good reason. That it didn't work for me is sour grapes at worse.

There's a part of me that wants to go on a week long rant about how bad The Reality War was, how cynical I feel regenerating The Doctor into Billie Piper is, and how deep RTD's head must be in the sand to produce one of the worst hours of TV I have ever seen, but I'm a 37 year old man and I should not be investing this much emotional energy into a cheap TV show about a time travelling space wizard.

All this is to say... why rant when you can channel the energy into something creative? And let me be clear here, much of the below pitch is an idea I've been mulling over for quite a long period. It's not a direct reaction to The Reality War. Nor is it an attempt to resurrect an idealised version of the classic or Chibnall eras. Everything I choose to pitch below is carefully considered. A clean break. A proposal focussed on winning back fans AND appealing to a brand new audience.

With that in mind, we commence.

Part Three: Where are we now?

The decisions made regarding this pitch are done so assuming the following status quo would be present as of its air date:

- The show would have been off the air for several years.

- The Billie Piper casting would have seen some form of resolution, rather than left hanging.

- The BBC would be willing to fund the show with a modest budget. No DisneyPlus involvement.

With the stage set I would need to open with my first distinct proposal; write the show with a more mature perspective in mind. I know the common consensus is that Doctor Who should appeal to children first and foremost, but I don't think giving the show a more grown-up angle would necessarily jeopardize that. I think stories that appeal more to teenagers and young adults would serve the show better than always dumbing things down for six year olds to get in on the ground floor.

I say this as someone who got into the show at age six, but we have to give up on this ideal that the show is going to be a generational constant that kids will get to experience year after year, decade after decade. The entertainment ecosystem just isn't like that any more. Doctor Who has to compete with Roblox and Fortnite, Youtube and TicToc. The opportunity to be that generational constant may already be long gone.

My proposal is that just making a good TV show that finds an audience would be enough.

To whit, I propose a Doctor Who reboot that skews towards an older audience. A Doctor that drinks alcohol. Stories that can delve into darker areas like drug dealing and historical war crimes. Where relationships between companions can be explored on the sexual level. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about Torchwood here, but just allow the show to get a little more adult than it previously was. To no longer hide stuff behind innuendo.

Meanwhile, I also propose a format that that prioritises longer, multi-part stories. This serves two purposes. It gives writers room to actually explore their stories in greater depth, something the show has been in dire need of late, but also works as a budget conscious creative decision. A nine episode season made up of three stories would be significantly cheaper than eight episodes each needing a fresh location, cast and costumes.

So with the stage and tone set, let's introduce our characters.

Part Four: The Doctor. Mysterious. Intense. Frightening.

Indira Varma is The Doctor. Yes, I know she was in Torchwood and Rogue. No, this will never be acknowledged in-show. Indira is an amazing actress. Dedicated and versatile. Sometimes I forget it is her when I'm watching season one of Rome, such as it is she can blend into the role. I don't think I need to convince anyone of this casting choice. If you know her work then you know she would absolutely nail it.

Personality wise, I want a darker, more intense and less friendly Doctor. Think late-era Sylvester McCoy or Peter Capaldi. This is a Doctor who rarely, if ever, smiles. She's aloof, somewhat above it all. Cold, calculating, but likeable. She's Mr Spock, with a little touch of Gandalf and David Bowie in They Hunger. She'll get mistaken for a vampire on numerous occasions, the way she frequently hangs back in the shadows and calculates her next move.

She's also a physically active Doctor. Like Pertwee, she's not afraid to get her hands dirty and will frequently pull out the Venusian Aikido when her back is against the wall, though as with Mr Spock, she will frequently disable her opponents with as little showmanship as possible, and does not relish the use of violence.

The sonic screwdriver's use and utility will be massively decreased. It can unlock doors, and that's about it. It can't hack into computers, and it can't "read" data about the environment or whatever. The psychic paper is nowhere to be seen. This is a Doctor that has to think their way out of a problem, not bypass it with gadgets or space magic.

Part Five: The Companions. Strong, dysfunctional, distinct.

This reboot will introduce three major companions. Yes, you heard me right. Once again, I want to discard common consensus that we have to be introduced through single, common everyman. Note, the actors I have chose are mainly just for the purposes of giving you a feel for the character. I have no idea if they'd be affordable or even available, but they should give you an image of how the character would be.

Bella Ramsey is Ash. A wanderer, a thief, a vagabond. They've been running their whole life. No home. No parents. Just survival on the streets of 21st Century Britain. They're slow to trust, which makes sense, since Britain isn't exactly a trusting place right now. This is why they are drawn to the Doctor. They're alike in some ways. Travellers without a home. Purpose to be found in turning the next corner.

Dakota Beavers is Tommy. A rez kid who just wants a quiet life. He's a good mechanic, which is more than can be said for his weed dealing cousin who keeps bringing the heat down on them both. Tommy otherwise would be of no concern to The Doctor, if it wasn't for that strange sonic wrench handed down from his grandfather, that seems to contain very Gallifreyan looking technology.

Abigail Lawrie is Princess Ssesler. Heir to the throne of New Mars, Ssesler is an Ice Lady who has no interest in ruling the Martian people, and has run away from home to seek adventure, hunting down the artefacts of Old Mars' glory days. Immature, petulant, yet genuinely fascinated and open minded on cultures from the past, Ssesler's collision course with The Doctor may not go smoothly, but their curious natures are a strong complement.

I know three companions might be seen as stacking the cast, and I get that, but I also think that a broader season, that splits stories over three episodes apiece, will allow the leeway to develop them all and give them room to breathe.

Part Six: The Opening Act.

Season One opens in medias res, where Ash is planning to rob a priceless antique from a high-stakes auction. Also on the scene is The Doctor, who is showing a particular interest in an odd, blue diamond. The two are antagonistic at first, but quickly team up against the villainous Count Jackson, who also wants the diamond. The Doctor reveals that this is a Temporal Lodestone, ancient time manipulation tech that should have been long buried. Count Jackson is actually Jugasar, of the Jagaroth, an ancient race who have had their corporal forms shattered across time. Jugasasr wishes to unite three Temporal Lodestone, which would give him the power to reform on ancient earth and prevent the extinction of his race, at the cost of humanity ever existing. Episode 1 ends with Jugasar successfully getting the first Lodestone and blinking away from Britain and our heroes. The Doctor and Ash run to the Tardis and give chase.

Episode 2 begins with Tommy pulling into the local reservation bar, only to find a new state Police Chief introducing himself to the reservation Sheriff. Chief Jackson lectures Tommy on his authority, admitting that he has no intent to respect the reservation's sovereignty if it gets in his way. Tommy then immediately heads out to his cousin's weed farm to warn him that trouble might be on its way. We discover Tommy has a mysterious, sonic screwdriver-like device, and that his grandfather knew about things on a "Cosmic," level. Jackson ambushes Tommy on his way back to town, only for the Tardis to materialise around Tommy's car. The Doctor, now with Ash in tow, reveals that the next Loadstone is somewhere on the reservation, and together they discover that somehow it is buried in Tommy's grandfather's grave. The story ends with both hero and villain having one Lodestone each.

Episode 3 begins in the ancient ruins of Mars. Princess Ssesler is doing a bit of tomb raiding, while an Ice Warrior security squad, lead by Lord Jassskon, approaches the planet to bring the princess home. The Doctor, Tommy and Ash arrive, cross paths with Ssesler and battle the Ice Warrior security squad. We go through some Indiana Jones style tombs and traps, before having a big showdown at an ancient Martian temple where the final lodestone remains. Jugasar succeeds in finding the Loadstone, overpowers the Tardis team for the second time and activates the three, only for his form to disintegrate into the time vortex.. The final Lodestone was a fake, only figured out by Ssesler, who knew that the ancient Martians would never display such a valuable artefact so prominently, and clocked it as a fake.

With the threat neutralised The Doctor departs, with all three of her new companions choosing to accompany her onto adventures in the Tardis, and they depart for worlds unknown.

Part Seven: Pushing the Boat Out.

From here on out I'd want the series to just focus on strong, straight science fiction concepts. A squad of soldiers on an ice planet locked in a stalemate with clone duplicates who have no way of knowing which are the clones and which are the originals. A story set during the English Civil War where a local preacher imbued with the power of an alien artefact is inadvertently using it to rile up the tempers of the Roundheads. A lone Dalek stalks a deep space salvage ship in an Alien-type horror story.

Have a story that explores the Galactic Federation. Have the Tardis team come across a conspiracy to sabotage two warring civilisations that the Federation is attempting to mediate with (Sontarons/Rutans? Dravens/Bannermen? Dominators/Krotons? Two completely new alien races?) and it is a race against time before the two sides detonate a sun in an attempt to cripple the other's fleet.

If UNIT is to reappear, really just try to take them back to square one. They're a small international force of specialists that is being directed from the European Mainland. Dealing with red tape and dismissive authorities is just as much of a problem as alien infiltrators. If Kate is still around, have her butt heads with an antagonistic (though ultimately well intentioned) bean counter officer from Geneva that keeps hamstringing their operations with budget cuts.

Big idea for the finale. The Doctor crosses paths with another renegade time lord, Praxis, that serves as a Magneto to their Professor X. An extremist who isn't afraid to get their hands dirty to do what they feel is right. Have a story on a planet where in 100 years time the robotic subclass will gain sentience and fight for liberation, but Praxis reveals that their sentience manifested much earlier, and wants to liberate the bots now, even if it will result in a more violent uprising. Will The Doctor condemn a persecuted underclass to 100 years of oppression, or could they justify the deaths of thousands of humans in the crossfire if it means their liberation? Really explore the murky reality of such a choice and have Praxis call The Doctor out over their frequent both-sidesisms. A more anti-heroic adversary than a villain like The Master, and an ending where The Doctor has to choose between the lesser of two evils, without giving the audience a clear answer on what that is.

Some other ideas for companions jumping in later on. A revisit of the Leela concept with a big Red-Sonja type barbarian woman from an aquatic world who has gills. Introductory story involves overthrowing the corporation that is exploiting the planet. Have her butt heads with The Doctor on cultural issues. Maybe introduce a 1930's hard boiled detective to hang around in the Tardis for a while and be friends-with-benefits with the barbarian woman. Lend a time-shifted and alien perspective to stories like we used to get with some of the companions in classic who.

Part Eight: The Bit Where I Just Get Self Indulgent

I envision this all as a three season run, and the power will probably go to my head before Season 3. Before said season launches, we do three specials starring Paul McGann as the Eighth Doctor. I have no pragmatic reason to do this, and in fact it'd probably be a bad idea to do it in the middle of a era that is trying to be a fresh start, but I really want to see Paul McGann on screen again and if I was showrunner I'd do everything in my power to squeeze that in.

In my defence the three specials would be entirely optional for new audiences, but tie in to the overall third season for those watching. The Three Stories would be adaptions of The Chimes of Midnight, Children of the Revolution and Alien Bodies, with McGann back and India Fisher playing Charley. It will be made clear that The Doctor suspects that has already experienced these stories before, which is why they are both older than they should be, and realising during the climax of Alien Bodies that Charley shouldn't be there. This would be revealed to be due to the machinations of Faction Paradox, the Expanded Universe time travelling cult that draws power from paradoxes. This would lead in to featuring them as the arc villains of season 3.

Obviously we'd take care to introduce them properly and don't leave people feeling like they need to go back and read wilderness years novels to get the jist of them. In the final story the Tardis team come across an auction in some grand futuristic space station, mirroring the antiques auction in the first episode. The Doctor discovers that the auction is being held by Faction Paradox, who are selling artefacts from The Doctor's future. The team then has to find a way to put a stop to the auctions, as these items all need to find their proper place in the Doctor's timeline, but the strain of coming into contact with so many artefacts out of sync with her timeline puts enough stress on her to force a regeneration, leaving the new incumbent Doctor, to finally finish the fight.

Alternatively, my other "glup shitto" idea would be to do a final season dubbed "Doctor Who Must Die!" Where the Doctor gets a bounty put on their head and has to spend an entire season outsmarting intergalactic hitmen. Bring back Vinder, now back under the machinations of the Grand Serpent. Bring in Shayde from the DWM comic strips, now reprogrammed to seek vengeance on behalf of the Time Lords. Resurrect Rogue, older and vengeful after his time in the hell dimension. Make it known to the audience the story will end with the Doctor's regeneration and leave them guessing and debating who, exactly, will be the one to pull the trigger.

Part Nine: Kill your darlings.

“A lot of times when you’re working on IP storytelling your impulse is to open the toybox and start playing with all the toys. You should try to resist that. What you should do is leave more toys in the toybox than were there before you got there” - Tony Gilroy, 2025.

So, upon reading the last part back I realised that all that stuff would be an inherently bad idea. Much as I would like to see McGann back in the role, or live action versions of characters from the comics to show up, this is absolutely not the time for all that. This is meant to be a relaunch. A fresh start. In a world where you're inheriting a Doctor Who era that is flying high, you can get away with talking spin-offs and deep lore cuts, but for an era that is coming after a presumed hiatus, you just have to let all that go. Those who fail to learn the lessons of RTD2 are doomed to repeat it.'

Kill your darlings. Forget Faction Paradox and The Grand Serpent. Keep the series on the straight and narrow. Just keep up with good, strong, self-contained science fiction stories. Use UNIT sparingly. Use your time to flesh out more of the newly introduced aspects and characters, like Praxis. Heck, I was maybe even a bit too indulgent for the opening episodes, with the inclusion of the Jagaroth and the Ice Warriors. Maybe Lord Jackson ought to be from a brand new alien race. Maybe Princess Ssesler ought to be too.

Part Ten: In Conclusion.

This was mostly just spitballing ideas amongst all the recent talk of the show going on hiatus. It's not perfect. Either way, I hope it's clear that my attempt with this was to show the numerous ways the show could go without going back to the well of the same old shit. We don't need to have the companion be a bubbly young woman from modern day earth every single time. We don't need the series to be bogged down with myth arcs. We don't need to squeeze a monster of the week story into a 45 minute episode every week. Expand your mind. Think outside of the box.

I also hope it goes to show how it isn't so easy to avoid giving in to your baser impulses. There's a "glup shitto," cavalcade in all of us, waiting to break out at a moment's notice. Always keep that in check.

Maybe this little ramble has given some food for thought, and I encourage each and every one of you to have a hard think about how YOU would do a reboot if you ever had the chance. You never know, someone out there completely new may one day be in the big chair. Doctor Who can't stay in the hands of the same creative team forever.

Or at least, I hope it won't.

[bellysoupset]

Vince was not feeling well.

Which was saying something considering he hadn't been feeling well since November last year.

The talk with Wendy had helped, a lot, the knot that had permanently tied in his throat. Knowing they weren't over had him nearly dizzy with relief, even if he was very aware that it wouldn't be easy to have a relationship when they were 4 hours apart.

But there was more. There were his friends still... With whom he hadn't spoken. Well, everyone safe for Leo, who had texted him over Christmas break and hadn't stopped.

"I don't want you unhappy," had been Leo's simplistic answer when Vince met up with him that morning and asked why he was being so cool about the entire situation. Jonah hadn't spoken with him in a while and Vin wasn't sure if he was being ignored or if it was just Jon's regular sullen silences.

He was absolutely certain that Luke was ignoring him and that was more than partially to blame for the queasy sensation that spread all over his body.

"It seems like you're the only one," Vince scoffed, pushing the french fry around with viciousness and glaring at it. He couldn't fathom eating it, with how unsettled his stomach felt.

Leo let out a sigh, "that's not true, Vin." He was sitting back against Fredo's leather seats, finishing off his own burger, "Luke's a wreck, you two should really talk."

"Nothing to talk about," Vince grumbled, trying not to meet Leo's eyes and failing miserably when the blonde glared at him.

"Vince."

"He's just making everything worse," Vince groaned, wincing as his stomach cramped painfully, "it's hard enough leaving and it's hard enough that I'm gonna be four hours apart from my girlfriend and Luke- Luke's fucking everything up."

Leo raised his eyebrows, judgement rolling off of him and Vince ducked his head, muffling a burp against his fist. There was a burning in his chest that nothing could soothe.

"Vince."

"Stop looking at me like that."

"You say you wanna go, but I've never seen you look more miserable," Leo pointed out, his voice gentle, but firm, "look at me, Vin."

He did and immediately grimaced. There was nothing but support and concern in Leo's face, which Vince quickly found that he did not want. He much rather be yelled at, as he was sure Jonah or Bell would have.

"I'm okay."

"Bullshit," Leo sighed, rubbing his face, "don't lie to my face, okay? You're miserable."

Vince shrugged, "I will be okay... I got a job in Doverport."

Leo's eyebrows jumped up, "uhm... Congrats?" he said, unsure given the tone of the conversation, "what is it?"

"History teacher at the local public school," Vince picked at his nails, "I start in a week."

"That's great Vin! You've always wanted to teach..." Leo's voice trailed off and he let out a heavy sigh, "and you're not happy."

"What do you mean? Of course I a-"

"It wasn't a question," Leo twirled the coke in his cup with the metal straw, poking at the ice chips, "why are you moving if you don't want to?"

"I do want to," Vince sighed, giving up all pretense at trying to eat and his upbeat attitude, "I miss my parents, Leo. Which I know- Well, it's not something either of you guys is very familiar with, but I don't just love my family, okay? I like them. I genuinely enjoy spending time with them... And my parents are getting old and Sophia is leaving at the end of the year and I'll see her even less and Liv... I feel like I missed every single milestone? She's six, I- I came to college when I she had just learned to say my name..."

It was terrifying, to know he would be missing out on important memories with the ones he loved regardless of each town he picked.

"No, I get it," Leo nodded, then when Vin raised an eyebrow he rolled his eyes, "okay, fine, I don't get it. Not for a second, this is completely out of my reality... But I saw Jon with Angie this Christmas and how heartbroken he was over them not being closer. I saw Luke with his dad and how Kit doesn't even know him... And I know I spent my whole childhood wishing I had something like that," he shrugged, "so yeah, I don't get it, but I do."

Vince nodded, forcefully swallowing against the knot in his throat, "yeah..." he swallowed again, feeling clammy and ill, "it just sucks, because it feels like I'm letting everyone down and-"

"You're not," Leo reached over the table, grabbing Vin's wrist, "look, it's not you leaving, it's how you did it. At least with Wendy it is."

"You don't know Wendy," Vince scoffed, wiping the sweat collecting over his lip, "she's- She's heartbroken and furious and it's my fault."

"I do know Wendy," Leo rolled his eyes, "she's petty as fuck and she's loyal and she's independent and you asked her to give up her life and move with you after you spent two months lying to her face and leading her on."

Vince's eyes widened and he shook his head, "I didn't lie, I just- What was there to tell if I hadn't made up my mind? Nothing."

"She's your girlfriend, of course you could've said something," Leo glared at him, "you think I'd be happy if Jonah just up and decided something after months of thinking it, when he never shared the plans with me? When I wasn't a part of the conversation?"

As if the realization suddenly hit him, Vince mouthed around nothing, confused, "I didn't... I didn't think of that."

Leo let out a little snort, before starting to drink his coke. He waited, patiently, as Vince came to terms with the new realization.

It took him a minute to put it into words, but he did it, crumpling forward and shielding his face with his hands, saying in a muffled voice, "I fucked up."

"You fucked up," Leo agreed, trying not to sound too harsh, "but she still took you back, so I'm gonna guess you didn't fuck up that badly."

"God knows why she did," Vince grumbled, removing a hand from his face and staring at the table, looking like he wanted to say something and failing.

Leo's winced in sympathy, "look, we love you, Vin. All of us. That's not gonna change, okay? They'll get over it."

"Yeah," his friend nodded, not looking like he believed it, "you should come visit..." he didn't raise his eyes from the table, "I'm really going to miss you, kid."

Leo's valiant smile and upbeat attitude wavered a little and he only nodded, not quite managing to fake it, "yeah, I'll miss you too..."

"I think we should get going, I still have to hit the road..." Vince cringed just at the thought. His father had let him borrow the car, so he could retrieve all the boxes from Wendy's apartment and the trunk and backseat were already loaded up.

He still had to swing by his girlfriend's apartment to get some stuff and to say goodbye... And his stomach was burning just thinking of it.

Everything felt horrible, from getting up to hugging Leo goodbye, to driving away and the prospect of the four hours long drive before him... And saying goodbye to Wendy...

Vince was so caught up in his own angst, that he completely missed the car parked next to Wendy's pink one. He had started to sweat back in the restaurant, clammy perspiration over saying goodbye to Leo, but that by now he knew was more than just that.

He felt downright woozy during the elevator ride, the small lunch he had been able to force down starting to flip in his stomach. Vince leaned against Wendy's red front door, resting his forehead on it and took a measured breath.

He just had to fake it for half an hour more. Just enough to kiss her goodbye and try not to start crying over it and then...

"And you think it's the meds?" Wendy's voice travelled through the door and Vince groaned, as he quickly realized she had company, Bella's voice answering.

"I hope it's just the meds... I'm scared, Wendy - Fuck that, I'm overwhelmed..."

"Of course you are, it's a lot to handle on your own, Bells..."

Vince turned the doorknob, deciding to make his presence known sooner rather than later. He was already in both women's shit list, the last thing he wanted was to be accused of eavesdropping on them.

As soon as he opened the door, the talking died down and both girls turned to face him. Bella was leaning against the dining table, while Wendy was on the opposite side, putting the decor back on top of the table after they had lunch.

He could still smell it in the air, raspberry pie and something else.

"Oh hey, you're back early!" Wendy's voice went up a note, all awkward in a way that wasn't like her at all. She glanced nervously at Bella, who had crossed her arms defensively and raised her eyebrows.

"Hi," Bell said coolly and Vin all but flinched at her tone.

He loved this girl like a sister and it was a slap to the face to be treated like that.

"Hi," Vince gripped the doorknob, "I'm on my way out," which was the wrong thing to say, because Bell let out an incredulous, bitter scoff, while Wendy promptly dropped the vase she was holding down on the table, looking spooked.

"Already? I thought you were only leaving tonight..." She looked all heartbroken, "I thought we'd have more time-"

"Don't let the door hit you on your way out," Bella said and Vince reeled at her tone, while Wendy's mouth hung open, her heart shaped face turning pink.

"That's fucking enough, Bell," she glared at the ginger, "you can be civilized or you can leave."

A horrible warmth spread all over Vince and he breathed in deeply through his nose. The floor seemed to be swimming, nausea clinging to the back of his throat.

"I'm not gonna coddle him just because-"

"This isn't about Vince and you know it, you're letting your feelings get in the way-"

"Yeah, damn right I am!" Bella exclaimed, her voice a note louder and Vince groaned, as it made his head pound.

He was going to be sick.

His mouth filled with saliva and he gulped down nervously, trying to think through the horrible fog. He could bolt for the bathroom, but that would get them questioning him, besides... He really didn't want to impose on Wendy, she was already being too understanding-

"Helloooo? I'm talking with you, jackass," Bella's voice cut through the haze and Vince struggled to focus on her. She had moved closer, while Wendy was hot on her heels, looking flustered and pissed off.

"You really should go now, Bella-"

"Fuck no, I won't, not until he looks at me-"

"Move," Vince groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and darting a hand forward. It touched Bell's wrist and he squeezed it as well, "Bella, get out of the way-"

"What the fuck do you think you're doing!?" Bella's voice suddenly was much louder, "let go off me-" the implication of her words was more nauseating than anything and Vince's stomach surged up in his throat... And he didn't have it in him to even fight it.

He bent in half, shoving Bella back to avoid getting her combat boots covered in sick and then lost his lunch on Wendy's foyer. All over his boots.

Vince swayed on the spot, a cramp hitting him fiercely and he would've crumpled down to his knees, wasn't it for Bella grabbing him suddenly.

"Vince?! Vin, what the fuck!?" Bella exclaimed right next to his ear, her voice strained by the effort of keeping him collapsing. He was far too big for her, if his knees fully gave in, he'd pull them both down, "what's wrong? Are you sick? Are you hurt?!"

All that anger gone in the flick of a wrist.

Vince let out a groan, squeezing his stomach. Everything felt horrible, his head felt completely disconnected from his body, his belly was sour and far from empty, churning up a storm and he was freezing...

"Aw honey," Wendy's voice, a balm to his nerves, made Vince open his eyes. A towel had already been draped over the puddle of sick and his girlfriend had wrapped her arm around his opposite side, helping Bella hold him up, "you're not well, I can feel the fever from here..."

"I'm g-" His throat constricted and Vince gulped down against the knot in there, "gon'besick..."

"Yeah, help us," Bella gasped, sounding worried and frustrated as they tried to move him to the bathroom. Without his help, not even in a pair they could do much.

Vince nodded, shivering violently and leaning on them, using all his force to move. He collapsed down on the bathroom floor, taking Bella with him since she was the one further inside.

There wasn't much time to think as he pushed the toilet lid up and tried, vaguely, not to cause a bigger mess. His stomach cramped again, squeezing, and Vince white knuckled the porcelain, heaving.

A hand cupped his forehead, supporting his heavy head and Vince leaned into the soft touch with a sob. His thoughts were a jumbled mess, flip flopping between the horrible sensation of his body and the confusion and hurt over the previous interaction.

"I'm-ssssorry..." Vince slurred, sounding and feeling drunk, trying to get rid of the line of thick spit dangling from his bottom lip.

"Shut up," Bella said quietly, dabbing his lip with a wad of toilet paper, "jesus, you're soaked..."

"Here," Wendy, crouching down next to them, planting a humid washcloth to the back of his neck. Vince let his eyes slip closed, immediately regretting it as in the darkness he could feel the room twirling around him-

"Arms up," Bella, grabbing his elbow, "c'mon, big guy, help me here."

"Whataare... What are you doing...?" Vince forced his eyes open and realized he was no longer slumped over the toilet, but propped against the cold wall of the bathroom. Wendy was standing near the sink, re-wetting the washcloth.

"You're boiling," Bell explained, all soft, "we need to get your temperature down."

He really didn't feel like he could trust her, not after all the yelling, not after she had been ignoring him... Besides, it was freezing.

"No, 'mnot..."

"Yes, you are, Vin," Bella pushed his damp hair back, looking terribly concerned, "this is going to help, okay?"

"Uhm-" he couldn't help but lean on her touch, letting his eyes close. Sure, he was hurt over Bell's words and she was pissed at him, but it was still Bella...

"Honey," Wendy, patting his cheek, "Vin, open your eyes... Vin..."

He tried to force them open, ready to cry over not being able to just fucking sleep. Being awake just meant feeling like he was about to spew the food he had eaten back in 8th grade, he'd much rather sleep-

"Vince," Wendy shook him a little harder and Vince opened his eyes. He was shirtless now, which was more than a little concerning. He didn't remember taking his shirt off.

Bella was perched on the bathtub, watching over them, and Wendy was crouched in front of him, cupping his face.

Vince's head swam as he tried to focus on his girlfriend. Wendy's eyes were the size of platters, all worried.

"Hi..."

"Hey," she forced a smile, stroking his cheek, "how are you feeling?"

"Like crap," Vince groaned and couldn't help a small smile as he heard Bella snort.

"Yeah?" Wendy rolled her eyes, "when did you start feeling sick, honey?"

"Uhm..." Vince winced as another cramp hit him and he curled up, sucking in the air. It took a second to breath through the hot, sharp pain and as soon as the iron grip in his inside eased, a new wave of nausea hit him. He was sweating, gulping nervously as his mouth watered and his tongue felt too big for his mouth, "don't feel good..."

"I know, sweetheart," Wendy smoothed his hair back, "I just need to know for how long this has been going on. Were you sick this morning?"

She sounded so... Calm. So gentle. Somewhere in the recess of his mind Vince knew this wasn't a good thing, that this was Wen using her doctor voice. The last thing he wanted was to be an even bigger bother-

Tears stung his eyes and Vince curled up even more, turning his head away from Wendy... His eyes paused on Bella and she looked horribly guilty. Twice as concerned. None of the calm that Wendy sported, panic was written all over her face.

"I'm so sorry," she said before Vince could say anything and a sob bubbled up, making his whole frame shake. Vince ducked his head, he didn't want to cry, but the fever was frying at his nerves and before he head any control over it, big fat tears started to run down his cheeks.

"Hey, hey..." Wendy whispered, moving up and wrapping her arms around him, pulling Vince into a tight hug, "hey, I got you. You're okay-"

"I'm sorry," he mumbled into her hair, words sticking together, shaking them both, "I'm sorry, I don't- I'm making a mess, I've made a mess-"

"No, no, we're fine," Wendy squeezed him, kissing the side of his head, "we're working through it, right? We're okay- You're okay-"

"No, I'm not, I don't- I hate this. Everything is wrong and I feel wrong, and-" Vince sobbed, his words jumbling together in one continuous stream that made no sense even to his own ears and suddenly there was another pair of arms wrapped around him, squeezing him even tighter than Wendy was.

"B-Bell...?"

"I'm here- You-you're okay," she mumbled, voice muffled since Bella's cheek was squished to his shoulder, "we're okay, alright? We're gonna be okay."

"But- but you hate..." Vince whimpered and Bella pulled back, all but replacing Wendy in cupping his face, forcing their eyes to meet.

"No, I'm furious at you, I don't hate you," she glared at him, "not for a second, Vin."

This was all very touching, but Vince's stomach apparently hadn't gotten the memo he was having a moment, because suddenly he was gagging.

Bella jumped out of the way and both women pushed him forward to lean over the bowl, just in time for the rest of his stomach lining to make a reappearance. He coughed and coughed, but there wasn't much more to bring up and Vince was left panting and sobbing, curled up over the toilet bowl.

He felt Bella's fingers moving through his sweaty hair, Wendy squeezing his arm as she got up from the ground, "stay with him, I'm gonna settle the room. Clearly he's not stopping any time soon."

Vince groaned, he didn't need Bell to sit with him, he didn't need a nanny... Bella flicked at his ear.

"No one said anything about you needing a nanny," she scoffed, before continuing to comb his hair, "you seem hellbent on throwing up on me."

Vince let out a surprised chuckle, eyes closed as he breathed through the nausea that was starting back up, "it's the least you deserve after yelling at me like that."

Bella snorted, running her hand up and down his naked back, "god, I'm gonna fucking miss you."

[inimitablereel]

so you want to watch a Hallmark Hanukkah Movie

Last year @heliological and I watched all 7 Hallmark Hanukkah Movie that were out at the time (plus the one lifetime hanukkah movie, Menorahs and Mistletoe) to make a cool fanvid. Actually, you don't need to have seen any of these movies to watch that so I'm going to shamelessly stick that in the body of this post

I've just watched the two movies that came out this year, so, below the cut, my personal ranking of every Hallmark Hanukkah Movie (plus mistletoe and menorahs which I'm declaring an honorary hallmark movie)

Perhaps it shouldn't be surprising that watching 10 Hallmark* movies set in December means a lot of exposure to that other December holiday. Personally I avoid Christmas as much as possible, but I hear some people love it, so I'll rate each of these movies on 3 axes:

Hallmark: how much christmas is in a movie (higher is worse imo)

Hanukkah: how much this movie knew (or got wrong) about Judaism (according to me, one Jew on the internet)

Movie: okay but was it actually fun to watch (again, according to me)

Round and Round (2023)

Rachel gets stuck in a timeloop on the seventh night of Hanukkah. Hallmark: 1: Christmas barely exists in this movie, and every character we know celebrates a holiday specifically celebrates chanukah. A 1 instead of a 0 because there are a few moments of Christmas existing in the world (true to life in north america in december, unfortunately)

Hanukkah: 8: loses a point for a couple of incorrect props, but generally seems like it knows what it's doing about hanukkah/feels like a reasonable portrayal of Jews

Movie: 10: this is the only one of these that I told people irl to go see: I genuinely liked and would recommend this movie! I love timeloops, I found the romance genuinely very compelling and handled well with the context of the timeloop, it was really charmingly nerdy, so I'm 100% the target audience for this one. Dropout fans may note that one of the leads is played by Vic Michaelis.

Hanukkah on the Rocks (2024)

An old town dive bar turns into a Hanukkah party when just-laid-off lawyer Tory gets pulled into the community.

Hallmark: 0: I just finished this movie and I honestly don't remember there being any Christmas in it at all? It was mentioned as existing once? A real breath of fresh air as compared to the other Hallmark Hanukkah movie from this year

Hanukkah: 9: This gets bonus points for remembering that Jewish holidays other than Hanukkah exist. It was a little hokey at times about shared jewish experiences or whatever, but such is hallmark. Deducted the last point because I am mad about "Hanukkah in July"

Movie: 7: The description of this movie doesn't do it credit - it's surprisingly fun to watch! The main actors are pretty good and it was fun to watch everyone interacting. The pacing was a little wonky and the ending was a little rushed because this was way more focused on figuring out what you want in life/forming community than the actual romance plot. But I love the kind of romance that's actually a late coming of age story and this overall worked pretty well.

Hitched for the Holidays (2012)

Nice Jewish Girl Julie and Catholic boy Rob find each other on Craigslist looking for fake dates for the holidays. Shenanigans ensue when Rob pretends to Julie's family to be Jewish.

Hallmark: 5: this definitely had a fair bit of Christmas in it, since his family celebrates Christmas, but we're grading on a curve here because if I recall correctly this at least doesn't try to explain Christmas to the Jewish girl or do a kiss under a Christmas tree. It's set over pretty much the whole month of December so it's as much a new years movie as a christmas movie in that sense.

Hanukkah: 7: I'm giving this a relatively high rating despite it mostly showing Hanukkah celebration that's messed up on purpose as a joke about how the goyish boyfriend doesn't know anything about Hanukkah. So we get things like him blowing out a menorah, but hey, them including that as a joke means that the creators of this movie know that you're not supposed to blow out a menorah!

Movie: 6: I thought it was a pretty good romcom. It has a real plot arc, and it's doing some fun tropes. I will say that this movie runs on cringe humor, which I don't love but at least it's doing something. This is one of two movies I watched in 2022, so I may be underselling it a bit because I've forgotten, but it was actually pretty memorable.

Holiday Date (2019)

Nice Jewish Boy Ethan is hoping to get an acting gig in a play that involves small town Christmas, so he volunteers to pretend to be Brooke's boyfriend when her real boyfriend dumps her just before going to her parents' for Christmas.

Hallmark: 10: this is a Christmas movie that has a Jewish boyfriend

Hanukkah: 4? this didn't get anything wrong about hanukkah iirc but it's really not a movie about Hanukkah and it doesn't have a ton of screentime. They light some candles and have latkes and soufganiot

Movie: 8: Ethan's actor, Matt Cohen (who imdb tells me was on a few spn episodes back in the day?), made this movie. He was just shockingly charming and enthusiastic about everything in a way that made it somehow work for me even though I simply would not be anything like that level of enthusiasm in his place. And the fake dating plot worked pretty well. It does run into the classic hallmark conservatism, so even grading on a scale that ignores the Christmas of it all I don't want to give it full marks, but it was a notably way better, more cohesive, and more fun to watch movie than a bunch of these. This did make me say oh if I liked Christmas some of these movies would be fun vs many of the hanukkah ones are deeply mediocre in a way that isn't really fun, but that may mean if you have a tolerance for Christmas you have choices that are even better than this one. This one actually has the worst rating on letterboxd of every movie here, which, again, suggests that if you like Christmas there are better movies (with fewer Jews) and if you don't like Christmas this is so much Christmas.

Eight Gifts of Hanukkah (2021)

Who could be leaving Sara all these Hanukkah gifts? Surely not her good friend who used to be the boy next door. How will she choose between the mystery gift giver and the chef she just met online?

Hallmark: 2: I'd forgotten about this one honestly but it's really not about Christmas! They do have a half-Hanukkah-half-Christmas display because Sara's business partner is Christian, but honestly, it's pretty cute! The chef isn't Jewish but he doesn't force Christmas on her and is interested in her family's hanukkah celebration which is honestly very charming, so maybe this movie really deserves bonus points for knowing that Christmas exists but not being obnoxious about it

Hanukkah: 8: detracting some points for the JCC running a "Hanukkah hunt" which I personally hate. Also at one point someone carries a lit menorah? I don't think that's not kosher it just seems dangerous. Gets a bonus point for having a hanukkah song that isn't made up for the movie in it as instrumental background music!

Movie: 6: I have this in my notes as "perfectly functional romcom". Tbh this one may have been a worse watching experience just because I watched too many mediocre movies all at once, I think it was pretty okay. Also gets bonus points from me for not being set in NYC

Hanukkah on Rye (2022)

Jacob and Molly have a meet-complicated when they realize that the delis that they're both inheriting are competing .... but also secretly they've been paired up by a matchmaker at the same time.

Hallmark: 1: Tragically this is our last one that is not about Christmas. a 1 instead of a perfect 0 because the magical matchmaker who wears red and white and has glasses that glint in a particular way felt Christmassy to heliological, the Christmas Movie Knower of the two of us (also there's a Christmas tree in the lobby of the building they live in)

Hanukkah: 9: sure yeah this one knew about Hanukkah and was generally reasonably culturally aware. Detracting a point because their latkes do not actually look good to me (and imo deli latkes aren't really a big hanukkah thing?) but this is just me looking for reasons to mark it down [EDIT: apparently this is in fact an NYC thing, so like this movie reflects A Jewish Experience just not MY Jewish Experience]

Movie: 4: Unfortunately this one wasn't so much bad as boring, which is the worst crime in a movie imo. I wasn't super drawn in by the leads or their romance. Hallmark movies love having family screentime, but there was a little too much family in this one and they didn't really get individual personalities. If you're the kind of person who wants to watch a hallmark hanukkah movie you may still like it? Certainly some folks on the internet thought it was the best one up to that date. The one good part of this movie to me was that there was grandma yuri.

Leah's Perfect Gift (2024)

Nice Jewish Girl Leah loooooves Christmas (because she's been poisoned by living in a hallmark universe) so she's thrilled that her boyfriend has invited her to his family's Christmas celebration. Unfortunately, when she gets there, his mom is... not super welcoming?

Hallmark: 10: this is a Christmas movie

Hanukkah: weirdly, also 10? The problem with this movie is after about the first 15 minutes the fact that Leah is Jewish was almost never addressed again. (I'll get to that more in the movie section, I think it actually let down the plot.) But those first 15 minutes of establishing? They must've gotten some Jews involved with making this movie! In very little time they showed more Jewish culture (and Jewish culture that isn't specifically about Hanukkah) than several of these that were nominally all about Hanukkah. They know about another Jewish holiday! They namedrop Maimonides!!! The mom is PERFECT. Anyways wish this had been visible in Leah in the rest of the movie.

Movie: 6: hallmark is simply too cowardly to follow through on the premise they set up here: how do you navigate a holiday you don't celebrate with a family that really doesn't want you there. This was trying to thread the needle of things are going wrong for her because she's Jewish and doesn't have the right cultural expectations around Christmas ... but also all of the problems are specific to this family and will be dealt with by the individual problem causers realizing they were wrong (on their own) and apologizing. It's doing something as a movie! That's a bold choice! Unfortunately it doesn't pull it off, and the failure to pull it off made me go from liking to hating the boyfriend because he subjects Leah to the gauntlet of his garbage family Christmas and then doesn't really do anything to support or protect her. Leah should've gotten together with Tricia the general store clerk who as far as I can tell is only in this movie to hype Leah up and listen to her problems. Also thematically I would've liked more moments of Leah bringing her own background into this celebration - it didn't really feel like her failures at this family's Christmas were because she's Jewish or even because she doesn't celebrate Christmas - this family's Christmas was just very bad and weird.

Love, Lights, Hanukkah! (2020)

Christina is adopted but she gets a DNA test that reveals that she's biologically Jewish and therefore she obviously wants to reconnect with her birth family at the "most magical time of the year"... Hannukah.

Note: I watched this one in 2022 and it did NOT make a big impression so this will be my least accurate review

Hallmark: 6: I think there was a bunch of Christmas

Hanukkah: 7: I don't think this did anything egregiously wrong but it wasn't particularly good about Jewish rep either. There's a fundamental problem with your main character is adopted and her first view of Judaism is going to be all about Hanukkah...

Movie: 4: forgettable :p

Mistletoe and Menorahs (2019)

Christy loooooves Christmas and doesn't know anything about Hannukah but she needs to know about it for work. Nice Jewish Boy Jonathan needs to decorate his apartment for Christmas to impress his goyish girlfriend's father. Surely these are equivalently unknown cultures that they can have a nice time sharing.

Hallmark: 9: not a Full On Christmas Movie but it spends a lot of time Explaining Christmas

Hanukkah: 6: I don't think this is super informative about Hanukkah and doing it as a Teaching Experience when it's super basic stuff to me is kind of annoying. Also some truly garbage looking latkes made by Christy. But it gets the bonus point for knowing that another Jewish holiday exists!

Movie: 3: let's learn about Christmas was never going to be a compelling plot to me, and Christy is also just not very good at coming up with toy ideas for someone whose job that is? My notes say this is "pretty middle of the road for these" which is more damning of the whole Hallmark Hanukkah Movie concept than this movie in particular

Double Holiday (2019)

Nice Jewish Girl Rebecca is tragically forced to throw the office Christmas party with her work rival. At the end of this they do get together, obviously

Hallmark: 9: Sooo much Christmas. Did you know that dinosaur cookies are insufficiently Christmas for Christmas cookies? There is a kiss in front of a Christmas tree

Hanukkah: 5: they get big into spinning dreidels upside-down? Why. And their latkes don't look good. I don't remember them doing anything else Obviously Wrong but it wasn't good.

Movie: 3: I didn't like this one, which was mostly about the Christmas of it all but also it wasn't good

Congrats on making it all the way here Hallmark you should consider making a movie for Any Other Jewish Holiday sometime. My mom tells me that there is at least (and perhaps exactly) one decent Hanukkah romance novel so it's not like the options are so much better book-wise

[coldresolve]

Hi, I'm Elias, I'm a 26yo trans guy from Denmark. I write shit, I draw shit, and I get into unneccesarily tedious arguments with anons about torture apologia in fiction. I think that sums up my vibe

I've made a few posts about this already, but tl;dr: the Danish NHS has been refusing to treat me for gender dysphoria for the better part of a year now because they've deemed me "unstable." Unstable how, you ask?

I have depression.

No, that is quite literally it. Full context under the readmore.

Fighting to be heard and having the door repeatedly slammed in your face sucks peak ass, and I'm done now. The NHS is so lackluster when it comes to trans people, all of a sudden, it makes perfect sense to me why 31% of transgender Danes get HRT outside of the NHS.

And I'd rather not have to turn to the black market, so rn I'm hoping to get a prescription with GenderGP. The issue is, I'm poor as fuck and can't afford the start-up fees for the forseeable future - unless I do something like this. I hate asking others for money, and I hate it even more if I'm not in a place where I can give anything in return. But I also recognize I'm in over my head with this, so. If you've got a cent or two to spare, I'd be grateful as hell.

I've mathed it out, and my best estimate is that I need around 3500,- DKK / $500 USD. Again, this is just to cover the initial subscription as well as mandatory consultations/blood tests. I should be able to cover the prescriptions on my own, as well as further tests/consultations down the line, so I'm hoping this is a one-and-done sort of thing.

paypal: elimunpau@gmail.com

Also, important note. We're in a global cost of living/housing crisis and this isn't a strict life-or-death situation. If you're in a tough spot right now, don't send me anything, that'd just make me feel worse about asking. I appreciate the thought but you gotta take care of your own needs first. Peace and take care ✌️

So I've been dealing with major depressive disorder since I was 11. It runs in my family, and as you might imagine, after 15 years of living with this thing, I've learned how to manage it pretty well by now. I know what it's like to genuinely be unstable - and if I were in a place like that, no problem, I'd be open about that. I wouldn't be making decisions like this. I know myself. You kind of have to when you're dealing with a chronic mental illness.

Here's where I am right now: I've got no suicidal ideation, been clean from self harm for four years, no psychosis, no inpatient admissions for the last five years. I live on my own, take my meds, and I'm keeping my life in order. Depressed, yes, but about as stable as someone with my history can get, and ask anyone who knows me, me wanting to get on HRT isn't some spur of the moment decision. I've done a fucking decade of soul searching, and a few years ago, I finally (duh) reached the conclusion that living as a woman isn't something I can even fake being content with - believe me, I've tried. I'm well aware of the scope of medical transition, but I'm settled in who I am. And I just want to live like me now. That's the only thing I want.

If it counts for anything, my partner and family have supported me through this, which has been priceless obviously, but it also goes to show that me saying "I'm capable of making medical decisions" isn't purely a personal assessment. I'm pretty sure they'd speak up if they thought I was being unstable about it or whatever

But the CPH clinic for sexology, who have consistently refused to listen to me telling them all this, have somehow magically aquired divine knowledge on my capacity to make adult decisions about my own body, and on the basis that I have MDD, they're refusing to even set me up for a preliminary interview - one that would preceed a 6 month full-team psych evaluation before the prospect of HRT would even come up. They said in their latest refusal that they wont accept another referral from me until a year after my last in-clinic conversation with them, which happened on October 24th, 2023 - meaning that with the NHS, if they accepted my referral come October (which I don't have much faith they will), the earliest I could possibly get on HRT is April 2025. Arguing for my own sanity would've sucked enough as is, but it's made harder by the fact that they won't even talk to me. You're a trans guy who would like healthcare, but you have a mental illness? Good luck, you're on your own. Long live the Danish bureaucracy.

Dysphoria makes me fucking miserable. I'd rather not have to write a sob story here, and tumblr is like 80% trans people so I guess a good portion of you can imagine why waiting another year for the possibility of maybe-perhaps-if-all-goes-well getting on HRT would not actually make me less miserable about it.

So. I'm sitting down next week along with my mom to file a formal complaint with the patient's rights committee. I don't know what to call this other than some form of discrimination on the basis of mental illness, because nothing in my current situation would prohibit me from making medical decisions for myself. And I honestly don't think that a complaint is going to do much, but I intend to make it obnoxiously long, because by law, a specialized doctor and an attorney have to read through the whole thing. If you can't beat 'em, make 'em read 50 pages of you going into detail about why you think they suck, right

And yeah, like I said, in the meantime, I'm trying to go via GenderGP. It'd be nice if my poor ass could get HRT via the NHS instead of having to pay out of pocket, but apparently the bar for entry requires that you 1) have gender dysphoria to the point where it impedes normal function and 2) somehow aren't mentally ill. Who wrote these rules? Some 60yo cis guy in a suit in Christiansborg, I imagine.

Feel free ask about anything relating to this whole situation, I'll be as open as I can about it, cause I understand that if you're going to give money to someone, you want to know what it's going to. Though I hope you understand I'm not going to doxx myself more than I already have now, or give you my entire medical history - only what's relevant to my current situation.

I know Denmark is a welfare state and on a global scale we're doing alright, but I hope you don't mind if I say this: This shouldn't be happening as often as it does. Fuck the Danish NHS.

[gffa]

I've been watching a lot of this cleaning channel because it's great for motivation to go clean stuff, where it's not about ~*transforming*~ the space (which can be very fun to watch, too) but just about taking a hoarder's space and actually Going Through The Stuff And Cleaning Up. The channel is very soothing because the host is someone who actually has read up on what causes hoarding, he knows that you can't just take a shovel to that stuff (you will making the hoarding worse if you clean without the consent of the hoarder, but also there's always genuinely valuable stuff in there, you can't just shovel it out the door, you have to go through it), like Oh I Feel So Seen. But this video in particular hit really hard today because it's from a "clean" hoarder and ohhhh that's it, that's what I've been dealing with. It was never that there was a bug or rodent infestation, if ever there was so much as a single ant in the house, everything was pulled out to scrub things down and get every last one taken care of, the only real dirt was dust in the places nobody could reach. It was just. Stuff everywhere. In the video, there was a moment in the kitchen when he pulled out a little bin of old cell phones and I felt a moment of Kinship and, about two hours later, when I was back to cleaning out dad's hoard, you know what I found? Old cellphones. It just smacked me in the face all over again. It's also the commentary about how, in every hoarder house he goes to, he finds things like old medication or pill bottle (oh my god I have been able to finally throw away what must be over 50 of them, and so much old medication has also been thrown), paperwork mixed in with junk mail (I'm not kidding, if you piled up all the paperwork/junk mail mom and I had to go through, it would have been about five feet high), or hoarded food (literal hundreds of plastic grocery bags full of expired food I hauled out) and it just hits over and over again how much I'm resonating with everything there. Anyway, if you want to know what I'm working with, basically it's a lot like that video above, it's "clean" hoarding, but that's basically what it was like in every single room and I've been trying to go over and tackle at least some of it every day, while also helping to get the old carpet replaced, the walls painted, etc. And trying to choose furniture that's not too expensive but also doesn't look like a teenager's bedroom or like it was salvaged out of a Cleanup Week pile. And trying to figure out where to store the necessary house things, like a basic tool set and cleaning supplies. But, you guys, be proud of us, I got several baskets worth of small stuff storage put away (extra lotions, extra charging cords, etc., things you keep but don't need sitting out), we got the armchair back into the guest bedroom, I put together a hamper instead of just plopping a clothes basket on the closet floor for dirty clothes, I put all my bathroom decor together in a bin for when we get the new vanity (the current one is so old that it's basically rusted over underneath), put all the after Christmas decorations we bought this year away, put some groceries away, AND I STARTED MY SECOND LOAD OF LAUNDRY TODAY. It's small stuff but it's time-consuming and I need you all to be proud of me for keeping moving on All Of This.

[lady-harrowhark]

How's your jaw?

Ahhh hi!!!! It's doing okay! It's been a little over two weeks since I did the injections and he said that it takes about two weeks for it to fully kick in. I think I'm clenching less overall, but by the end of the day I still usually have some degree of muscle pain in my face. I think I do a lot of like, habitual constant clenching (almost like "in the background") and then have shorter bursts of more intense clenching interspersed that tend to be more related to focus/immediate stress/etc - it seems like I have less of the background clenching and I'm better able to catch myself in the moment with the more intense episodes.

Stress, caffeine, and my ADHD meds definitely make the clenching worse in general, so like usually I try to take fewer/lower doses and lay off the caffeine when I have less on my plate BUT I'm currently working on some of the last revisions for my thesis (I'm so close to being done with this thing forever and I'm ready to dropkick it into the sun) so the stress+caffeine+no med breaks is kind of inevitable right now. So actually it's pretty impressive that I'm noticing any difference at all even WITH those factors at play.

It's been really interesting that my masseter muscles already feel slightly smaller and definitely a lot.... softer? Like when I bite down and touch them, it feels more like a ball of stiff clay rather than a golf ball lol, like I can push into them a bit with my fingertips which I definitely could not do before. I genuinely did not realize how overdeveloped they were before this - I was talking to a friend about how the dentist had said I had "the Arnold Schwarzenegger of masseters" and I had commented that I don't really know how mine compare to other people's since I don't exactly go around feeling people's faces and she had me feel hers and uhhhhhhhhh WOW. I was genuinely shocked at how minimal hers felt in comparison. Apparently it is NOT normal for your masseter muscles to feel like actual golf balls under your skin, who knew!!!!

The injections themselves were pretty painless, most of them less painful than like a flu shot. I got a lot of uncomfortable pressure in my ears almost immediately, but I suspect that has more to do with how I had to spend quite a bit of time clenching/biting down hard for him to examine the muscles and place the injections. I've had a lot of chronic ear issues over the years and some Eustachian tube dysfunction type stuff, which tbh may very well be related to TMJ dysfunction. The ear pressure dissipated after two or three days, and it could be a placebo but it seems like they've felt less full since then. Other than the ear pressure, I did feel kind of generally achy and vaguely yucky the first two days afterwards, almost like I was getting the flu. Apparently that's not unheard of but some Tylenol took care of most of it.

Importantly, I haven't had any other bits of bone poking through my gums! Time will tell in that regard, since there was about five months in between the two times it happened. The area of my gums where the one piece of bone came out feels a lot smoother/flatter than it did before this whole debacle, which makes me wonder if there wasn't some general inflammation or soft tissue build up around it. The other side of my mouth does have a bump that seems to come to a point and my regular dentist said it does feel kind of sharp beneath the gum tissue, so I wouldn't be surprised if it eventually pushes through but at least if that happens I'll know what's going on.

I go back in two-ish weeks for follow up and he said I'll probably need more injections then but that it likely won't be as many as before. The first round he did 60 units but I don't really have an estimate as to how many it might be for the second round. As long as it helps, I don't particularly care how much they inject, although less is definitely better for my wallet. I haven't heard back on whether or not insurance will cover it. They probably won't since it's an off label use and teeth are considered optional by insurance companies, but the clinic said they would at least try to get it covered, which I appreciate.