#i feel like i rambled with no real point
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Noah fence but if you can't handle thinking about the actual story of Mouthwashing and you just want to imagine silly found family scenarios with the crew on the Tulpar then maybe you shouldn't be engaging with HORROR media...... just a thought.
#mouthwashing#100% gonna regret tagging it but whatever it's been on my mind a lot recently#i feel like mouthwashing absolutely should not have been fandom-ified the way it has been#I'm not saying that no one should enjoy it. I'm not saying that no one should make silly memes or hcs or fanart#I just feel like all the people who are like#âmouthwashing but nothing bad happens and everyone has a good time and Jimmy is a normal person and/or diesâ#are kind of..... severely missing the point of the game#it feels almost disrespectful in a way. this game was clearly trying to communicate some heavy stuff#and ppl are just throwing that all away to play with the characters like dolls#I mean obv it's not really my business how other ppl engage with media but scrolling through the tags I'm like. man cmon#anyway Daisuke is my newest chew toy blorbo but if I try to draw him I need to actually be put down for real#rambles#(it's too late btw I already sketched him bc I was annoyed by seeing all the fanart where he just has a gash across his face)#(he got an AXE TO THE FACE)#oops it's 5 am lol
54 notes
·
View notes
Text
A few months ago I drew out some headcanons related to various disablities & other physical conditions and decided to finish them up now that It's disability pride month ( Even If not all are necessarily disablitles <3 )
[ First time doing Image descriptions so I'd appreciate feedback! ]
#bfdi#barf bag bfb#saw tpot#leafy bfb#ruby bfb#lightning tpot#pie tpot#black hole tpot#marker tpot#winner tpot#woody bfb#i'm actually not Super happy with how this turned out#esp cuz they all look very samey to me but#it was an old sketch! didn't feel like stylizing everything further#also it gets the point across which is all i want#ALSO most of these are physical disablities i wanted to focus on that#if we talked about mental illnesses and neurodivergency we'd be here all day#For example woody having speech impediments and phobias is already Real And True#also if i drew all the autistic characters of this show we'd be here all day#whoops im rambling to much pls enjoy them#lan art
425 notes
·
View notes
Text
I don't really go there anymore (i refuse to play gachas now), but Wizard is very blorbo shaped, and i still like these older doodles of him <333
#cookie run#wizard cookie#ni draws stuff#taking this moment to just ramble a bit in the tags#i still like cookie run#its characters are very interesting#they have very yummy designs#pun intended lol#however i just interact with the games from a distance now#i used to play kingdom almost everyday#but then i reached a point in an event#i think it was the special costumes for sea fairy and moonlight#when i felt myself getting desperate as the event came to a close#and had the dangerous thought of spending real life money#which made me step back and realise#all the time i put into that game was NOT healthy#so i dropped it along with any other gachas i had or wanted to play#i wasn't feeling all that great grinding for so long each day#so now i just follow along at a distance
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
my love for tomass ĆĄtolcermanis is fueled by patriotism. yes he's a silly loveable guy, but he's also latvian. latvia and lithuania are bonded for life which means that tomass is basically one of us. don't ask me how this works, but he's like family. paul aron is also a good example, but nothing beats the latvian-lithuanian brotherhood
#this is as close as we get since kazimieras vasiliauskas#also his love for latvia is just so real lmao#BALTICS RISEEEEE#i love a silly guy who's from a country 5 hours away from my city lmaoo#idk whats the point of this post#i just love that he seems to be so loved and appreciated#david malukas is also a good example but he's not as in touch with his roots i feel like#i still love him very much and the fact that he has a lithuanian flag on his suit makes me very happy#tomass stolcermanis#prema racing#vil rambles
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
Why does Vassago already have merch, we haven't even met him yet
#Celtrist#cel rambles#I don't particularly care how abundant the merch is on shark robot#It literally feels like they'll take a scrap of anything and make it a pin#Like the Moxie Antartica pin Really sir and a bunch others where they're just a random frame from the show#I mean they're FUN frames at least but I swear I've seen some real random ones that don't even make sense to be a pin#AND I'M SORRY WHY DO THEY HAVE SO MUCH MERCH OF CHARACTERS THAT I CAN'T IMAGINE BEING THOUGHT TWICE ABOUT#Sallie Mae fine I can see why people like her and want merch#Chaz is pushing it especially seeing as he's pretty dead but fine I suppose he has his fans#Glitz and Glam? Okay you already fucked up not going with their beta designs but who really was looking at them and thinking âI want merchâ#But fine. I'm sure they have their fans#BUT FREAKING MUFFY?? THE VET RECEPTIONIST? WHO TF WAS ASKING FOR A PIN OF HER? DID YOU EVEN KNOW HER NAME?#They do that shit all the time and it aggravates me. They seem to go by a âquantity over qualityâ thing.#Which their quality is great btw but the quantity of things they have for characters that don't even matter and are seen once is rediculous#Also when I was gonna look up when we were gonna meet Vassago I saw he was an overlord in the pilot#Curious if that's gonna stay. What's to say overlords can't be hellborns or goetia#Is he a goetia? Not sure.#P-point is I like their merch and the new batch seems to mostly be uniquely made to be merch and I like that#But the amount of âgarbageâ (that's mean but best way I can put it) merch that has a character little to no one would care about#Or is essentially JUST a screen grab from the show is annoying and just pointlessly fills the shop pages#And while I see from a business perspective why they'd put Vassago out especially since some already like him#I also just think it's silly for him to already have merch when we haven't seen his character other than in the trailer#Surprised they don't have merch of satan out yet lol#Okay but I would've approved only so they could make a krampus joke with him#Granted I don't care about Helluva as much as Hazbin#But can't help to be more critical of it when it has a lot of problems Hazbin has aside from pacing#But absolutely NO excuse or leeway for the reason of the sloppy writing that's present#Lemme reiterate my good ol' phrase here:#You're not in the Sonic fandom for like 22 yrs and don't learn to be critical of the media you enjoy lol#rant
19 notes
·
View notes
Note
I went on tiktok to just watch some silly Odysseus videos but then I mostly saw people going like "Yeah, maybe Odysseus cried on Calypso' island every day but honestly he had that coming after what he did Achilles and Patroclous/Circe!!!" and "Everything that happens in Odyssey is deserved cuz he took Patrochilles to war!!!" and "I feel so bad for Circe and Calypso and Penelope, they deserved better!!!"
For fucks sake I beg you, read anything different from Millers bs and like educate yourself- And please stop goddamn saying that rape victim. deserved it.
Circe probably didn't give a flying fuck, Calypso is a rapist and abuser and Penelope deserved everything she wanted and SHE WANTED ODYSSEUS
I think I've had enough internet for today, imma go wash my eyes with bleach. Anyways sorry for ranting here, i hope you don't mind it lmao
It's alright. I absolutely understand the vents about the whole thing. :'D No one deserves to be a victim of such a thing no matter WHAT they've done. I hope your eyes are okay after the bleach
Like Odysseus does so many fucked up things but Calypso and Circe? He is the victim. Period. It's very clear that Odysseus is in extreme distress on Ogygia. And Circe wasn't some sort of FwB situation. There's fear and numbness in the language he uses when talking about it. There's so much victim blaming and it SUCKS.
Even then, Odysseus' journey was kind of about "temptation" or just straight up "Die or get out of my sea." From Poseidon. "I don't want you in my waters so I'm gonna try and give you things that will keep you on land or just kill you."
Immortal goddesses wanting you would be many people's dream come true but not for Odysseus. And I think that's the point. His determination, how he clawed his way back into the arms he never wanted to leave in the first place, is incredible. Many people would've given up and just started a new life but he never would because no life he could ever create would compare to the life he had before. Even if it's different, it's what he's always wanted.
He literally tells Calypso "I'm not stopping until I'm home. I don't care if I suffer more until I do. I'm going home."
âMighty goddess, do not be angry with me over this. I myself know very well Penelope, although intelligent, is not your match                                         to look at, not in stature or in beauty. But sheâs a human being and youâre a god. Youâll never die or age. But still I wish, every moment to get back to my home,                                                      to see the day of my return. And so, even if out there on the wine-dark sea some god breaks me apart, I will go onâ the heart here in my chest is quite prepared to bear affliction. Iâve already had so many troubles, and Iâve worked so hard                                 through waves and warfare. Let whatâs yet to come be added in with those.â
(Book 5, Johnston)
Circe's a goddess and what happened is nothing like Dionysus and Ariadne and Apollo and Hyacinthus for example. Circe never gave Odysseus a crown of stars and he would never go out of his way to kill 120 people for bothering her. They did not love each other and he can't refuse as she's a goddess.
If you interpret them sleeping together the entire year,(It's only explicitly said that they had sex once so that's what I go with personally.) that doesn't mean he was happy with it! Even then, the whole situation is not what a healthy FwB should look like! I'm asexual and even I know that no one in a FwB situation should have to BEG in any way that basically says "Please let me go or kill me" with supplication!!! The fact that he leaves so quickly he forgets one of his men? The fact that during Elpenor's funeral, he doesn't greet Circe himself? He was avoiding her. Wouldn't he want to get "one last night together" during Book 12 if they were fwb? đ
It's bonkers to me that people hate him for being a "cheater" when A.) having multiple lovers wasn't uncommon in Ancient Greece, and B.) the two people he is explicitly said to have "cheated" with, weren't his choice. He wasn't actively searching for pretty women either!!!
As mentioned, while it was common for men to have many lovers, Odysseus never had any listed unlike some of the other men. (not bashing any of them. I'm just making a point in comparison.) He also has no other children besides Telemachus in Homer's works. There's no evidence of him having other lovers other than speculation. (funny enough, I once read somewhere that the reason why Odysseus is so mean is because he doesn't "bond" enough with the other soldiers. đ)
Does that mean he didn't have other lovers? Technically, Nope! It's just never explicitly stated either way. He has slaves but none were ever said to be concubines or that he sleeps with them. He has deep bonds with his fellow soldiers but that doesn't mean he sleeps with them. That doesn't mean people can't write or talk about him doing so even though it's not mentioned! Just like it also means that someone can write him not doing so as there's nothing that says it either way in Homer's Works! :D
It's fucked up when people say "He didn't try to leave Calypso enough" or something of the like. It just tells you how A.) they didn't read the Odyssey or have piss on the poor reading comprehension or B.) ...you should probably stay away from that person...
With Circe though??? I can understand the confusion but digging deeper and looking at the text, he wasn't having a good time. Or at the very least was walking on Eggshells the whole time. I hate bringing up that essay over and over again but like...I literally wrote everything there.
I also don't like how people take Circe's morally gray-ness away from her. Let her do something fucked up to be fucked up!!! Let her traumatize Odysseus!
Idk, I kind of hate that I'm "known" for this but I relate to this idiot asshole a lot and it means a lot to me that his story, despite what happens to him, has a happy ending :'D
#Thank goodness I don't have tiktok >:)#I wish there was a way to like. have anonymous posts? because I made that PTSD post to show how him refusing to be bathed#by Nausica's maids and him choking Euryclea and was giving reference to make a point but I wish I wasn't like. Known for this???#but like... I HAVE something to say. Having specific knowledge of some things just...really makes it clear in what happened that I don't#think others have considered.#And I was afraid if I was âvagueâ then people would say âYou're just saying that to get sympathy pointsâ and I didn't want to deal with#that :'D plus like in his outbursts I saw myself you know?#I just kept thinking âoh shit. I KNOW what you're doing because I did it too aAAAAAHHHHHHHHhâ#I relate to Helen too but in a way. The Odyssey shows her âHEALEDâ (which fuck yeah!!! YESSS!!!đ) it doesn't show the#PTSD in the same way as she's had many years to recover. Watching it happen in âreal timeâ for Odysseus was...really nice.#i said it before but the Odyssey feels REAL compared to the âgirlboss queen slayâ shit. Him tryiing to force himself into normalcy#only to act out is...yeah.#save me morally gray circe#ask#anon#Mad rambles#tw sa#tw ptsd#tw sex assault#anti madeline miller#anti circe#essay
66 notes
·
View notes
Text
also i want to again apologise for how phenomenally behind i have been with reblogging/responding to artworks on here, including art drawn for me or propaganda for the tournament!!
i'm hoping to start getting to my backlog for this VERY soon, ideally within the next two weeks. so you may start to see an increase of this on your timelines. and if i haven't yet gotten to your artwork don't worry, i most likely have it in my drafts!!!
#delete later#slight anxiety brain related ramble incoming but for folks who want more info:#i went through a kind of really bad brain space where i felt like i could not publicly interact with any art or reblog anything#(especially art that included my character; which i of course want to engage with *the most*)#because folks were being kinda weird about me doing so and saying it was âunfairâ while the tournament was ongoing#that it showed bias for competitors if i reblogged their content even if it was fanart for me; or promo'd my own oc too much#even though that was kinda the point of the tournament! đ
đŠ#but now that it's wrapping up i will hopefully lasso my brain back into good behaviour and get back on top of it!#i'm so sorry to folks who have drawn things For Me Specifically and i have not gotten to you.#i know how that feels and i know how easy it is for anxiety to churn that up into a real living nightmare and i'm sorry if i have caused it#so just to clarify. if i have not interacted with an artwork i'm tagged in or that was drawn for me:#it is absolutely NOTHING to do with anyone who made me art or the art itself. it's 100% all me and my bad brain space.#i love all art!!! i'm genuinely so grateful and i look forward to showing my gratitude better soon!#okay. enough of a ramble!! this has just been eating at me for months and months. thanks for listening!
20 notes
·
View notes
Text
So I went to the wiki page for the henghill Bullet & Brain mission of 2.2 looking for some dialogue I had missed and
a) I found something incredibly tasty that slotted into some other thoughts I'd been having, more on that on another day, and
b) I saw this super fun little trivia at the bottom, which!
I knew Penacony characters like Boothill took a lot of inspirations from old movies, but I didn't realize it was even in his and Dan Heng's relationship, that's so cool!!
It fits them very well, it's such a fun reference. "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" was an old buddy Western film (from 1969- nice) about a pair of outlaws. Butch Cassidy was the leader of a gang, and described as clever, affable, and talkative. Meanwhile, his closest companion, the Sundance Kid, was known as a man of few words.
Cassidy's original birth name was much more plain, but similar to Boothill, he took on a new moniker when he became an outlaw. "Cassidy" had been the last name of his beloved mentor, who taught him how to shoot and ride. And Sundance Kid was known as he was because Sundance was the name of his hometown, and it was the only place that had ever managed to catch and jail him, back when he'd been younger (also similar to Dan Heng, but ouch).
These two stick together like glue throughout the length of the film- through Cassidy's leadership of the gang being challenged, through a train robbery gone wrong, through being pursued by mercenaries, and even through fleeing to Bolivia and trying to start over together.
I don't want to say too much more, since the mission title is referencing one specific movie that I've never seen. I kinda wanna watch it now, though, just to see the inspiration that went into Boothill and Dan Heng and how they get along. I just think it's really sweet that these two were literally made to be the best of bros, how lovely is that. đ
#honkai star rail#this can be ship or plantonic tbh yall are always free to tag my ramblings as you please haha#just! they're so sweet!!#FWENDS#i would love to see more of them being a dynamic duo further down the line âĄ#i think the film moved things along a little quicker but the real life Cassidy and Sundance were actually in south america for a few years#they fled there to get away from pursuers along with Sundance's girlfriend Etta Place.#supposedly they managed to buy a small ranch and the three of them lived peacefully (and even lawfully!) together for like three years-#-until the law caught up with them again#at some point Etta Place returned to the US reportedly due to illness rather than not wanting to get caught like in the film#Sundance may or may not have escorted her back. but whether he did or not he returned to South America with Cassidy#the two of them eventually got into a huge firefight with authorities where Sundance was fatally shot and Cassidy chose to end his own life#that's the most common story anyway. some also say Cassidy snuck back into the US again where he lived quietly until his death.#but it reads kind of like rumors of Elvis Presley sightings to me BSMZKNSKS#the film ended much more happily with the two of them getting into shenanigans and a freeze frame of them in a hail of bullets haha#i wanna see Dan Heng and Boothill fight together too it would be so cool aaaaaa#they would be great at getting into shenanigans! as we've already seen!!#fun bonus info: Boothill's ult literally puts black bars at the top and bottom of the screen to look like a widescreen Western movie#fun bonus info 2: Cassidy was regarded with respect by some people bc he never stole from the poor he only robbed big companies#this is actually nicer than Boothill is in canon bc he openly admits he will rob someone blind if he doesn't like them BSKZKKZMSKDK#(although I feel like its implied he has more standards for this than he gives himself credit for.#like he makes it pretty clear he doesn't particularly like Argenti at first and thinks he's annoying as shit but I'm sure he didn't rob him#...would have been real fucking funny if he did though oh my god I would love to see him try that. it absolutely would not work BSKZKNSKSJS#hsr#henghill#bootheng#dan heng#boothill#hsr boothill#hsr dan heng
46 notes
·
View notes
Text
The aroaspec experience of âIs this romantic attraction or just platonic. What even is attraction. Where is the line. Help.â and then proceeding to question societal norms of attraction for a while without coming to any actual conclusion to your question.
#itâs just#itâs weird man#the line feels simultaneously very thin and blurry for close friends and like this massive leap#I wonder if it has something to do with the whole demiromantic thing#like#I havenât romantically liked every person Iâve been close friends with#but every person Iâve romantically liked Iâve been close friends with#if that makes sense#I donât really get crushes#it feels more like some line being jumped between close friend and More#but I cannot for the life of me figure out where that line is#and sometimes shuffle back and forth over it#thereâs no real set of rules for whatâs what when it comes to romantic-platonic I feel#because people go âcuddle your friends! kiss your friends! platonic love can still mean those things!â#but when those things are also shown as indicators of romantic love#where the hell is that line#whatâs the DIFFERENCE#idk man#Iâm just rambling at this point#asexuality - at least my flavour of it - feels pretty clear cut#thatâs easy#but the rest? especially when itâs not solid aro and itâs Demi or gray or whatever one might have?#the lines feel so very blurred#asexual#aromantic
70 notes
·
View notes
Text
new weird yuri au just dropped (featuring a super old "corrupted" bachikin design heavily based off of her in mo2 (that i should probably remake one day..))
colored version + extra doodles
#adukin mo4#bachikin mo4#mo4#ekurambles#tw scars#i was so sleepy while drawing this so the anatomy is definitely fucked#be nice to me ok..#i love adubachi but i also love fucking up characters severely#i NEED to make a better corrupted bachikin to match my adukin..#shes meant to be sort of based off of both horror game protags and monsters#her ribcage is technically the only real bones left in her body ^_^ gou replaced most of them since they were severely damaged from her-#-doing monster hunting as a big part of her part-time jobs.. she gets pretty beat up in the process and can't tell how injured shes gotten-#-due to the natural enhanced strength of ikenumas#she hates touch because she feel like the ship of theseus at this point. if you touch my body are you even really touching me type deal#if i do end up redesigning the corrupted bachikin i want to add more wings to her#more.. MORE.. MORE!!!!!!!!! she needs like 50 wings.#uh oh im rambling.#oops#ermm..#i should go to bed *embarrassed*
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
thereâs a trend going on on tiktok rn where everyoneâs posting their AP art portfolios + their themes and itâs making me so salty. not bc any of them are bad, but bc when i took AP art (for one semester lmao) my art teacher gave us SO MANY STUPID guidelines that our topic had to fit into. i canât rly remember what they were but our topics had to be super complicated and unique and have all these underlying meanings to itâŠâŠ but some people ive seen on tiktok had like complete freedom with that and it makes me so madđ i feel like i would have actually enjoyed that class and not dropped halfway through if i could have picked whatever topic i wanted instead of what my teacher wanted us to do. she was also strict with what mediums and styles we were allowed to draw in đ no digital, no linework, nothing âstylizedâ, had to be realism. and honestly my portfolio sucked bc of that lmao i HATE art teachers who put so many dang restrictions on their students because they want stuff done âtheir wayâ!!! like where is the fun in that!!!!
#i liked my art teacher in hs and she liked me#but the more i look back on her classes#the more i realize how restrictive they were#and it makes me not feel bad for dropping AP w/o telling her lmao#like i didnât even sign up for AP she just. signed me up herself#i knew i didnât want to go to college for art so there was no real point in me taking AP#and it ended up being a pretty bad experience#but oh well#iâve really enjoyed seeing everyone elseâs portfolios on tiktok tho#everyone is so talented#sly rambles
31 notes
·
View notes
Text
Me having Narinder paired up with a follower (Thorjulbre) instead of Lamb is so inheritly funny to me
because whilst others are constructing these narratives of two beings of power interwoven with each otherâs fates - my guys are over here being the most casually married fuckers in existence
Like this millepede (i think?) fucker decided to befriend the Ex God of Death, it worked and then kissed him and it worked and now they have three kids.
Ig my Narinder just needed an uninvolved third party who cares about him to calm his edge down and help him with his issues lmfao
and yknow it doesnât help the brainrot Im once again doodling them so. thorjulbre just powerful like that ig
#the one rambles too long#like writing wise itâs slower as narinder starts to trust thorjulbre enough to be friends#and then realising heâs caught very real feelings for an otherwise unremarkable mortal#and at some point confronting that the lamb doesnât do resurrections anymore so one day#his husband is gonna die because he will outlive him#but otherwise itâs? a fairly sweet romance? hilarious really#i stand by thorjulbre being in the cage during the fight and seeing nari for the first time and thinking âwouldâ#not a dig at narilamb btw you guys are goated#it just canât exist in my works because of one autistic lad rizzing up the death cat#you understand. you get it#narithor#they are important to me and me only
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
Well.
#(I'm back)#It was. Uhm. A chapter#First of all: I'm ENDLESSLY GRATEFUL to the person who sent me the translation basically as soon as the chapter came out.#I even did like 90% of typesetting but didn't finish it because I had to go out#(aka with my friends were literally knocking out at my room and I couldn't make it any more late lol)#Mixed feelings about it? Mostly because there's so much exposition... I'll need to reread it another three times before it sinks in#The color page is AMAZING 10000000000000/10 I love my sskks so much they're so cute I love them so much they're so cute.#Easily the best part of the chapter.#The color page was? Very very pretty too? Like a lot more than usual if you ask me! I can't wait for the volume cover đ„șđ„ș#It should come out soon shouldn't it? Usually color spreads / pages open the volume...#Akutagawa fake dying again is funny. Like it isssss but also. Idk it's a little lame how we're changing the pov from ss/kk again :/#I can't even tell if I'm being biased or if it's an actual storytelling critique. I don't care right now I just want to see Akutagawaâ#being cool rather than. You know. Dead on the ground.#That said! It's also very funny and touches my sense of humor precisely.#Like yeah Akutagawa being like the second strongest pm member and overall one of the most powerful ability user in the worldâ#that everyone fears (and I know he is! He is indeed for real!)#And yet he always ends up face to the ground đđđ Like if we don't count the ss/kk fights he literally only ever won against Hawthorne.#And even then he failed to kill him and Mitchell. It's so funny to me. I love him. He's so pathetic#âWow! Akutagawa is so cool and invincible now!â *ends up biting the dust not even two chapters later*#It's okay because I love him. He's very very powerful and he's also very very pathetic I love that for him#That said :/ I don't really care about Fukuzawa :/ Idk :/ Like :/#Don't get me wrong I LOVE Fukuzawa (I don't. I'm mostly neutral towards him) but this is the ss/kk moment man :/ Whatchu doin#That's about it. Let's see what the next chapter brings!#Everything accounted for I'm glad there wasn't like. A ss/kk kiss or any other big big ss/kk moment#(although Atsushi admiring Akutagawa and thinking about his eyes has its fair share of neatness to it!!)#Because with everything going on this evening I really would have been let down to miss it#But I keep hope for the next chapters!! Please...#random rambles#Had tons of fun typesetting! Even though I don't think there's a point in posting it now. But would love to do it again in the future!#bsd spoilers
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
grumbling grumpily bc i unfortunately have to admit that i am indeed getting better >:( like i actually feel excitement again for example. smh. i look forward to going out and being with people??? i am way more agreeable to trying new things and i let myself approach them with an open mind so i often end up enjoying them??? this isn't me this isn't my heart .
#ngl i think. the last 2ish weeks before the show were a big turning point#i surprised myself with how cooperative i was and how positive and energetic i managed to be abt the whole thing#and then the show went great and i got ppl approaching me telling me they loved my bit#and i'm still feeling good since đ§ this is so damn odd i'm not used to feeling okay for this long#and it's not like. like when i was 18 for example. that i was chill literally just bc i was detached from my feelings (ssris my beloathed).#bc now i do feel excited. as i mentioned. which hasn't happened for real in like. years#yet i'm still also mostly emotionally regulated. and not in a numb way i think#obviously i still have some hard times đ© being bored is unbearable for example and I still struggle to find ways to solve it#and i still like. haven't been creative since august. but i also don't feel the need to do so either?#idk maybe acting scratches that itch enough that i don't need to write. who knows#anyway this was an angry (/j) ramble abt mental health. don't mind me#i AM extremely scared of when my body will turn on me and hormones imbalance will fuck me up#i'm extremely suspicious bc it should've happened by now according to past experiences. but i'm. still mostly fine. Hm#i also still tend to fall into self loathing lmao đ but. not as much as before. it hits hard when it does but usually goes away fast#achieving smth grand probability helped ease some of it far in my subconscious lol#uuuuuuuh does this need a cw tag. lmk đ«Ą
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
for these past couple of days since the news came out i've been thinking and there are quite a few things that mean the world to me - shadowhunters, teen wolf, DC shows (supergirl, the flash, the legends of tomorrow, arrow), the maze runner - mainly because they're such a huge part of my entire childhood and middle school life that i'm still so nostalgic about.
HOWEVER, one direction has always been a lot more special than the others, simply because my entire fangirl life started with and because of them yk?? the very first fanfiction i read was one direction one, the very first fanfiction i wrote myself was one direction one, the reason why i created my very first twitter fan account (which then led me to finding quite a lot important people in my life later on, including my best friend) back in 2020 account was because of one direction. basically everything you need to do at first to consider yourself a fangirl, in my experience, was because of one direction. and they, all five of them, have meant and always will mean a lot to me.
#and sure i know that maybe he wasn't that good of a human being#but he still was one ykwim??#maybe i'm looking at this entire situation from a too religious point of view#and a point of view of a someone who witnessed last year what it's like for a mother to find out that her son is gone#and how sudden and horrible death can be#so sure i didn't know him personally but that doesn't change the fact that he was a huge part of my childhood along with other four#AND that he was still someone's son and a brother and a friend and a father#so making idiotic comments and stupid jokes about a real person's death is insensitive as FUCK#anyways idk where this rant came from but idk#ever since the last year and all that death & grief my own family went through#i tend to look at someone losing a loved one from my own perspective and how horrible it was to go through it myself#and sometimes i get a feeling that social media has caused people to lose the feeling of sympathy towards other human beings#AND ESPECIALLY towards a family that just lost its member#crys' rambling#one direction
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
11 notes
·
View notes