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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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Andy from breakfast club liked the crazy girl alternative more! We all shout in unison!!
And I don’t blame him ily crazy girls y’all rock y’all make the world a better place fr
if I were a poet I’d write “ode to crazy girls” and so would Andy Clark 😌
#allison x andrew#the breakfast club#allison the breakfast club#andrew clark#allison reynolds#andy the breakfast club#rambling#ask#to be a lil real for a second I think people like Allison who are slightly nuts and don’t hide it really are better company than the more#like…repressed/put together people#idk maybe it’s my own religious guilt n internalized shame speakin but me personally I can’t just be…myself like that a lotta the time#(and neither could Andy which was partially the point of the movie ig)#so i- and Andy too I suspect- find that when im around folks who r just overshare-y n outta pocket it’s like bein given permission to let#go of ur inhibitions. Which is pretty freeing yk? like oh she’s bein nuts so i get to relax and be myself too bc she’s not gonna judge#and it’s nice. Real nice. makes ya feel understood n all#maybe that sounds backhanded but im bein completely genuine- to me this is good lol#another variation of this dynamic is Joel and Lana in risky business but they go in a totally different direction w/ that#either way tho I think that’s why Joel and Andrew are some of the most relatable characters in the world to me#nothin like a crazy girl to get ya to loose all ur shame n fear 😎#anyway tl;dr crazy girls have my heart#and yes I did have a crush on Allison Reynolds when i was 14#(ok who am I kidding I still do)
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what are bradley’s earliest memories of ice and mav? the bits of his perspective on them that you’ve written are so fascinating
fairly unsurprising answer but: ice: when he came to see Carole to apologize for killing goose in ch 2 of wwgattai (sets the tone of their relationship)
mav: something very benign like mav doing magic tricks for him as a little little kid. you know how your earliest memories are always a little fuzzy and always afternoon sunshine? imagine a desaturated maverick sitting crosslegged in the grass in pale afternoon southern california sunshine showing Bradley how he can detach his thumb from his hand and then put it back again. no blood, no bone, no pain, and he’s got this daredevil grin like he’s enjoying separating his thumb from his hand. can’t see his eyes behind his aviators. the best magicians are the ones who can make even their pain disappear. or, playing “got your nose,” holding Bradley’s nose up so he can see it right in front of his very eyes, NO PAIN!, and then making it disappear. “where’d your nose go, Gosling? oh, my gosh, I lost your nose!! how’re you gonna smell? i bet you’re gonna smell bad. get it? get it? —here it is, i found it, don’t worry, it’s all good!” and putting his nose back so everything’s ok. that’s Bradley’s earliest memory of mav.
#Bradley’s nose (mavs thumb) is a foreshadowing metaphor for the academy here obviously#this is just my conjecture as a californian kid who was many times duped by the thumb trick myself.#You know where they screw it off and it really looks convincing#im closer to 10 years old than i am to 31 😞 ten years ago today i was at my little baseball summer camp :) in third grade#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#bradley rooster bradshaw#top gun#asks#also ive had this little scene where he drives to their house in his moms car after some late high school event#only to find ice & mav passed out on the couch together at 9:30 at night with the tv still playing#because mav had made a home between ices arms and (tired fighter pilot after long day of drills) fell asleep there and what#was ice supposed to do; wake up an exhausted American hero & push him away? no. this isn’t so bad. —and then accidentally fell asleep too.#and bradleys just standing there in his homecoming tux going ‘oh this is real. oh they really are. oh. ok i will let them sleep.’#and sneaking back into his moms car to go to his own house for once.#i can’t find anywhere to put that scene so you’re getting it in the tags of this post
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been playing Puyo Puyo Tetris and I still don't know how to play Puyo but I do have a main now
#I like them I think they're funny#idk who their parents are but they're my kids now actually#have tried Puyo a little#but also I think I'm so bad at it the game is begging me to stop#because despite hitting the one that says endless mode#it still times me out after a few minutes#I assume there's something u can do to get more time#but I am just so bad at it that I do not get any more time#thats ok tho I did buy Puyo Tetris specifically to play Tetris#so I don't mind if I'm absolute trash garbage at Puyo#Puyo Puyo //#Tetris //#Puyo Puyo Tetris //#Jay //#Elle //#Jay and Elle //
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kind of astounding how innocuous conversations with my younger siblings can make me feel like dogshit... what are the good things about being the oldest kid supposed to be again??
#N posts stuff#two of my siblings are currently in college and they both talk about it in ways that. hm.#my sister did an accelerated program to graduate high school and go to college Early so she's got kind of an...#'i am the most put together teenager on the planet' attitude a lot at the moment. so. she talks shit about her peers like#'if she'd stop spending money on Product and just Grow UP nd get an apartment and move out of her parents' house already'#and she's like. ragging on a kid who's only Maybe 20 years old and i'm sitting at the table at almost 30 still here like '......'#and my brother has been picking my brain lately about the shit i did in college and how the classes benefitted me and all#bc i went to art school for illustration and he's getting a music degree so it makes sense#but he's like 'was college challenging for you?' and i'm like. trying to figure out how to talk around the fact that i didn't necessarily#have trouble with the Classes but was trying really hard to juggle like. being in so much pain i couldn't walk or like..#trying to do homework while in the midst of a psychotic break or having meltdowns in public restaurants like. that kind of stuff#i don't really like talking about that stuff explicitly bc. idk. it doesn't really go anywhere good. not Bad necessarily#or no worse than overhearing my mom talking to them about the validity of my autism DX behind my back at least.#but i don't talk about it. no one really takes me seriously already so. no need to exacerbate that.#i might crack jokes about it in passing but i don't Talk About It. idk what any of them think about like. any of it. or about Me i guess#idk it's weird. it's Weird bc like.. in a very general sense i feel liek i'm Doing Good. not Fantastic but better than i used to.#and like. OK w the day to day of my life; like i could Keep doing it and have A Future even if i still can't figure out what it'd BE exactl#but then idk. sometimes i hear them talk and it feels like it's just. highlighting everything that i Can't do and it just. feels ugly.#like idk where to put it. idk how to reconcile feeling stupid and small for how i live my life with the fact i otherwise feel like#generally pretty Good about my life. i spent my whole life from elementary school to like. 24 thinking i'd be dead by 18.#and it's like Just Recently i'm like 'oh i actually have a Whole Life ahead of me and thats a Good Thing' but.#like idk how to phrase it. i don't feel Bad about it but it's like i guess i'm stuck wondering if i Should be. is it Bad that i'm content?#like i can't ask the question 'is there something wrong with me' in earnest bc Yes there is but. idk#it all feels like puzzle pieces that don't fit together. 'lets see you take a crack at it wise guy' idk what i'm doing or feeling rn lmao
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hey so. um. i was told that lmk didn't have any pain. and. haha. haha. haHa...what the f
#🅰️non talks#lego monkie kid#*glares at ceres* I TRUSTED YOU#/silly#gOOOOOOOOD MK YOU SILLY TRAUMATIZED BOY#HUGGING YOU AND SQUISHING YOU AND CODDLING YOU IN MY HEAD AS I AM TYPING THIS#(i also hope that there is more to it where that came from cuz im on s2ep9 rn and i want to really DWELL on the sadness and angst potential#(cuz from what i'm seeing in the main earlier episodes (I AM NOT COMPLAINING WHATSOEVER I DO KNOW THAT THIS IS STILL A KID'S SHOW))#(forgiveness is very easy to come by in the main cast)#(i wanna explore trying to give them more negative aspects like holding grudges (either visible or invisible) and showing remnants of ptsd#from earlier encounters)#(just idk man I HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH GIVING EVERYTHING JUST A PINCH OF REALISM OK???? angst is my lifeblood you all should know that /lh)#edit: ok i just reread their response to my ask and turns out i accidentally left out the part where they told me there IS pain#oh#ahem#ahem...#edit2: I AM AN IDIOT. I FORGOT TO SEPARATE THIS EARLIER BUT PTSD IS **NOT** A NEGATIVE ASPECT AND I AM SO SORRY FOR MAKING IT OUT TO BE ONE#PTSD IS VALID AND THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE PTSD DESERVE TO FEEL SAFE AND HAPPY FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES#FUCK YOU IF YOU DON'T THINK THE SAME OK BYE
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my vitriolic hate for the parentals only grows btw. everything i overhear is in fact a big fat negative in our relationship
#i am becoming less and less guilty about this the more they cause me grief bc all we fucking do in the polycule is reparent each other#and the ways they have both been horrible has basically been entire emotional neglect and constant abuse for having the gall to live#i have zero respect for them genuinely. i don't fucking care anymore#i barely enjoy moms company anyway because more and more all of our autisms clash#plus she called me codependent once so i stopped being a child around her. so#i really have no more parents anymore. i know my parents hate me. i know it#i dont want to do this anymore#I'm so tired of being alive#i really want to just die right now#fucking. mimi tries to be so sweet but its fucking hard id rather just stop trying to show any sort of love#i hope tht when the parentals look at me all they feel is how much i hate them i NEED them to feel haunted in their own house bc of me.#every one of both of my partners parents have basically been split on me. i was ok with them once until they fucking pushed me enough that#now i literally cannot see them without hate. i hate every one of them for how they treated and still treat my partners and how they make#both my partners dread every second of having to be around them or speak to them or do anything with them#im fucking tired of being treated like they fucking made able bodied children WHEN THEY IN FACT DIDNT. SURPRISE ASSHOLE YOU TRAUMATIZED YOUR#KID INTO DISABILITY#now none of us can fucking function in the world were all 3 disabled stupid autistics who can barely not yell at each other or whatever and#i infact dont blame my partners because i know its not the fucking cause its what they were fucking taught and i have no more grace in me to#give to the parents who raised them. there is no grace for them. there is simply you fucking couldve been better. you failed and you have to#fucking live with the fact that you fucking failed as a parent#i fucking hate everything about the parentals genuinely. there are so much of their lives and interests that i do not respect because their#lives apparently came first over their kids. and i dont care anymore i dont care about reasonable “excuses” i dont fucking care when#i reparent their kid without their fucking input or thought or opinion. fuck off#i fucking hate it here#🥩#🐣#🌤️#original#vent
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after a billion yrs i added a lil line about my gbf verse.....<3 one day i might flesh it out to something in-universe, but since gbf is so "oh ure from another world? ya that happens..." i....am gonna keep w that..........(also cuz i do think discussing the different ways of magic, moon-enemy & this n that is more fun like this
#stardust speaking !#i do wanna write but im unsure when ill do so#anyway i need to talk abut that one 1.5 moment with that weird car horn sfx after murrs fancy speech cuz i#was thinking about it again due to one of the descriptions in the alterego event#i still didnt check the website btw is it available info why snows adult and whites a kid or is that a waiting game cuz#that.....#sometimes when i think abuot paradoxroid i think about them. that one was fkd up#snow&white r so fascinating to me#snow & white & figaro & oz are even more fascinating#oz who only started learning abut the world because arthur asked things about the world.................#oz who made arthur pancakes.................................#they make me ill. figaro feels like he should be the most welladapted cuz in some ways he IS. guy who lies about his power and age and love#humans and that one offhand line in 2nd anni about how he has cared for kids!??!? dude i need to reread 2nd anni did that ever get brought#up again#but figaro & love is................guy who leaves when he thinks he isnt loved anymore#<-guy who was taught by snow&white who valued e/o the most#2nd anni makes me lose my mind. figaro and fausts convo. both who felt like it was the other who left LIKE FIGAROS SURPRISE WAS UNREEEAAALL#somethings deeply wrong with him i am so intrigued#i need to go reread his pt2 parts like what the actual hell dude#the mental gymnastics he does in one part is ? id like to study u and the twins under a microscope#this is all shallowly/casually speaking about it btw theres a lot of things left&right about all of these topics that makes them very yummy#i think what gets me the most about pt2 is that a lot of it is things that we alrdy knew regarding characters feelings etc. such as figaro#but seeing them say it themself makes me faint#OH MY GOOODDDDDD THE FLASHBACK CONVO WITH OZ AND FIGARO? ABOUT WOULD U SAVE THE PERSON U LOVE OR THE WORLD#AND HOW FIGARO ENDS UP FALTERING DEAR LOOOOORRRDDDDDDDDDDDDD#fucked up family (affectionate)#i need to think of modern aus again i thought about arthur calling snow & white granpa for one second and everything hrut#ok im sorry i dont know what possessed me. i promise ill be rereading stuff soon#one more thing. fausts part in pt2. god. but in this cursed world the sage trusted me...
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two interviews for the same position back to back but i st
but i stay silly
#AAOGGHHH g0d i hope it went well#it was a ''working interview'' which i've never done before#honestly a practice that makes sense for childcare but it was so awkward#it helps that most of the kids were friendly but it was still like i just met these babies#who am i to be like hi. what's your name. ok cool go do some stuff
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genuinely i don’t know how someone could meet a kid and decide children are horrid monsters actually. kids are so good
#marzi speaks#idk if i want kids myself but i am good with them#and i do love kids. once they get old enough to talk to you can have such amazing conversations#idk. who wouldn’t want to talk with the future?#i am probs thinking this bc i’m just finishing visiting my little cousins#and i have tried Very Hard to be the cool older cousin they can look up to and trust#and i’m proud to say it’s succeeded <3333 ough i love them they’re so sweet#it’s cute they’re shy. i was the exact same type of shy as a kid so i know exactly how to make them feel comfortable#but they’re creative and they draw and they like my drawings#and they’re at the age where they’re starting to explore their identities and because i am unabashedly queer i get to Know About It#and just !!!! augh i am filled with love.#unfortunately the older one is only an inch shorter than me despite being over half a decade younger than me#</3 curse of height genes#that’s ok tho. still little in my heart#i don’t want them to grow up ever they r so important to me#i’m very emotional abt it rn idk why. maybe i’m tired maybe it’s residual period hormones#i just love them so so much. i need to visit more#ok i’m not gonna cry but like . it was close for a second
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It's my last day being a kid and I'm stuck here having to study
#kid... well teenager whatever idk#the other day i started crying at tutoring class cause im scared of adulthood so theres that#why did i start crying.... i dont remember but i was being emotional#aND NOW MY CLASSMATE and my teacher 'make fun' of me like 'yeah cause once you turn 18 your mom will throw you out'#well ok maybe not- but tomorrow i will have different rights and shit and i dont fucking know what to do with those#UGhhdhHdhdhhzjsmhktnfnfzjfsktskgdkgsgkdgmsmgsfkskfsfksjfsfkskgskgsgksgkskfsfksktsktsktsktsktdlydlydlydlydlydkyekyektektektektelyelyrlyrlurl#oof ok#good talk#also why is organizing a birthday party so stressful#i dont know who the fuck am i supposed to invite#are we still friends? are we close enough to invite you? will it awkward? can ppl come since everyone is freaking out about exams?#shouod i invited my teacher?#shit i owe her flowers#sugarenia thoughts#sugarenia talks
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oh my god i should reread one of the bailey school kids books. it would be so funny
#i used to love them but then at some point around 3rd grade i reached a critical mass of Bailey School Kids Books Read#and realized that the kids were never EVER going to figure out conclusively whether one of the Suspicious Adults was actually a cryptid#and i was SO ANGRY. the BETRAYAL!!!!#like. ok. i lean perhaps unfairly towards disliking ambiguous endings#HOWEVER. this was not that. this was little 8-year-old me realizing they'd been stringing me along for like 15 books#these narratives DO NOT FOLLOW THROUGH on their CORE PROMISE. like if you look at the blurbs:#''Could this man really be Santa Claus? The Bailey School Kids are going to find out!''#NO THEY'RE FUCKING NOT!!! THEY NEVER FIND OUT!!!! NEVER EVER EVER#(ok i don't know this for a fact. i didn't read all of them. but i would be shocked if i was wrong here)#i went from ''i love this book series!'' to loathing basically overnight#really funny in hindsight ghsdlkgmsdlmk. baby bookworm moments#AUTHOR YOU MADE ME A PROMISE!!! IT WAS BUILT IN TO THE NARRATIVE#BUT YOU HAD TO END EVERY BOOK LIKE ''guess we'll never know! *wink*'' INSTEAD OF FOLLOWING THROUGH#YOU BUILT YOUR SERIES ON A FOUNDATION OF LIES AND DISAPPOINTMENT#they didn't have to is the thing!!!!#like. okay i get why they couldnt have a ''this teacher is a werewolf!'' reveal. it would make it difficult to continue the series#but they could have the kids find out he ISNT a werewolf!!! i would have been on board with that. it's like scooby doo!#scooby doo still works after a million episodes even though you know it's going to be some jerk in a costume every time#side note i think scooby doo on zombie island should never have happened. it goes against the premise of scooby doo#side side note i also usually dislike when people mix sherlock holmes with ''oooh it was ACTUALLY A GHOST'' type stuff#they're trying to spice it up but they're misunderstanding the appeal of the thing#there are ways to add supernatural elements well though. angel of the crows does it#the hellhounds and werewolves and everything werent a problem because they followed rules and weren't like. a shock#that part of it was very well-done. i really liked the setting. on the other hand some books try to do a thing like#''sherlock holmes finds out he DOESNT actually understand the world!! and the supernatural is REAL'' booooring i am BORED this is DULL#side side side note i hate jack the ripper stories. whys everyone who does sherlock holmes want to do a jack the ripper case#wow you've put the most famous late victorian detective and the most famous late victorian serial killer together. so original#at least have the decency to change the name or something. come on#personal#bookposting
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oh my god...
#just remembered that i just like. did shrooms. when i was FIFTEEN????? i know thats not even that absurd but. you guys dont even know who ki#d me WAS ok.#kid me vs real life me is so funny.#i wasnt even a delinquent. i was universally loved by my teachers because i earnestly loved learning.#i just. also loved doing drugs apparently.#oh my god. ohhhh.#i almost tried lsd? too? but the guy my buddy knew fucking disappeared so we didnt end up doing it.#genuinely absurd. who the fuck is that kid (me).#and i had HAIR.#like yeah im still a stoner but now im chill about it.#i spend two years of high school getting wasted at least once a week. how the fuck am i literally just. fine.#god all that is so fucking embarrassing what was he trying to prove....#student activist nerd by day. flirting with 12 different addictions by night. more common than one might think.#and somehow through it all i never smoked once. why was THAT the line.#rat.op.tag#rat.anderlore.tag#rat.WARNING.tag#i hope its clear by now that my blog is not safe for people sensitive to mentions of drug use but uh. yeah.#ok wait addendum where thefuck where my PARENTS actually. like what were they even doing how didnt they notice any of that. i know for a FA#CT that it wasnt subtle.
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Posts that make me remember my similar teacher issues and get irrationally upset (and write an entire essay in the tags apparently)
when i was a kid i got a 90% on my kindergarten "what are your favorite things?" test because for the question "what is your favorite animal?" i wrote down "puma" and it got marked wrong because my teacher said a puma isnt even an animal its a kind of shoe
#And she accidentally read it out as “I go to school in Monday- oh haha oops! Well I guess you know that one now teehee~”#And I of course#stubborn as I am#Answered something different (Namely “on” which was the actual correct answer)#And then she made us trade tests and grade eachother and when we got to that question she said “well ok that one we all got right teehee”#And then my smartass friend raised his hand and said “Miss! Cheace actually answered B here do I mark that as wrong?”#(well ok friend is an overstatement I was a geek and noone else wanted to hang out with me. The guy is kind of a dick now but I digress)#And then the teacher said (and I will never forget this nor forgive her)#“Cheace I know you're usually pretty smart but right now you're really stupid” (LIKE WHO SAYS THAT TO A LITTLE KID??? AS A TEACHER????)#But I knew I was right and I had proof too#Because two questions later there was a reading segment which included the scentence “We went to the beach on Wednesday” or something#So I'm furious as a small child can be and raise my hand#Initially get ignored because bad teacher#So I show my friend what I'm gonna say to her and he gets her attention by#idk#being annoying#So she's like “Now what did Cheace do? Did you make another mistake?”#So I tell her to read the exact sentence from that question. “We went to the beach on Wednesday.”#And she doesn't notice at first#but some of the kids in my class do#and start whispering a bit like omg she got it wrong#So I ask her to read it again very slowly#And she's still going on like#Okay so one time during an English test in#God that was back in elementary school#our teacher (horrible at English) (reminder that my native language is not English and neither was hers) was reading out all the questions#- of a test. One of which was a fill in the blank type question like “I go to school ____ monday” A: at B: on C: from D: inokay Cheace if yo#We went to the beach on..."#And her stupid shit-eating malicious ass grin completely faded to what I can only assume was a face of realisation and then regret#“Ah. Okay Cheace you're smart again.”
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