#i feel like i learned a lot since my first hypnosis session and this was written to be read all at once rather than my part of a conversati

[cybergothvox]

Beach induction and Injury care as caring for emotional hurt Hypnosis

The following is an original hypnosis script by me, which includes a beach themed induction and injury care as a metaphor for emotional hurt. The two sections are separated by a line break so that if you are only interested in one half it is easy to find the correct section.

The first half is a beachy induction, which doesn't really have to do with the injury care portion, but they are put together just so that there is an induction and the injury care suggestions will be read when you are already in trance and sink in more deeply. This part focuses on ocean imagery and the sound of waves.

The injury is described to be minor and not painful, and is described as little as possible, in order to avoid creating feelings of being hurt. The imagery of it being taken care of is focused on instead. This section will implant the trigger phrase "You are worthy of love" in order to be able to feel the feelings of being cared about and worthy of love whenever you need to feel that.

The last section ties the first two together and helps to walk you back up from the trance.

Imagine that you are at the beach.

The tides of the ocean flow in and out.

In 

And out

In a steady rhythm. 

Allow your breathing to match

In

And out

In a steady rhythm

To the sound of waves

With each breath

Feel your body relax

More and more

Focused

More and more

On my words

And the sound

Of waves

It is normal to have thoughts of other things

As each thought comes

Just as quickly it is taken by the waves

Washed away by the sound

Of water

In and out

Washing away your thoughts

Dropping you deeper 

And deeper

Into trance

Filling you with a warm

Pleasant feeling

You relax

More and more

Feeling safe

Feeling comfortable

Feeling, happy

Focused

On my words

And on the sound

Of waves

In

And out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Slowly,

Still feeling relaxed

And happy 

And safe

You become aware of a minor injury

Somewhere on your body. 

It doesn’t bother you

It doesn’t hurt

But still

You deserve to be cared for

You are worthy of love

The phrase

‘You are worthy of love’

Echos in your mind 

And each time you think to yourself that

‘You are worthy of love’

And each time you read the phrase

‘You are worthy of love’

It feels more and more true

Someone that you care about

And trust

Who cares about you

Places an ice pack on your injury

Because they know

You are worthy of love

You deserve to be taken care of

This person can even be yourself

Because you know

You are worthy of love

And each time you think that

It feels more and more true. 

The ice is pleasantly cool

And not too cold

It soothes you

And you know it is there

Because you are cared about

Because someone is helping you

And you deserve to be helped

Once your injury is soothed

The ice is taken away

And a healing gel

Is put on your injury

It feels warm and pleasant

And that warm pleasant feeling

Radiates outwards

Spreading across your skin

And filling you with the feeling

Of being loved

And cared about

And the knowledge

That you are worthy of love

Next, a bandage is wrapped around your injury

It feels soft and comfortable

Soothing against your skin

Comforting

Like an embrace

It is wrapped snuggly

But not too tight

Just enough that you can feel it there

Hugging you

Reminding you that

You are worthy of love

Each time you think to yourself

‘You are worthy of love’

You will feel this bandage

Hugging you

Reminding you of how it feels

To be taken care of

To deserve to be taken care of

Injuries take time to heal

And that is okay.

It is okay if you need attention

And care

For this injury again.

You are worthy of love

You are worthy of care

As much as you need

As many times as you need

Until you feel better

—

You can stay in this feeling

Of being so relaxed

Comforted and cared about

For as long as you would like.

When you are ready, I want you to slowly leave the beach

And to become more aware of your surroundings.

Gently wiggle your fingers or move your limbs

Grounding yourself in your body and in the space

Allow your thoughts of other things to return,

No longer being washed away.

Gently wake up, taking all the time that you need

Until you feel ready to continue on with your day and your life

Knowing you can return back here again

Whenever you need to.

[nightowl33art]

A pleasant conversation.

The other day I got in touch with my old therapist. Have to say, it felt really nice to speak to her again. After about two years if I'm not mistaken. (It has been a long time, and I barely recall our last meeting. I'd have to think on that more.) We spoke for over an hour. Catching up.

I've had a burning question since I was very little. Less than ten. I experienced something very strange. Sometimes it felt like I was not myself, as if I had become a different person. Unique thoughts came. I shared my mind with what felt like another presence that I called another name. Something within told me this was not a normal human experience and that I was crazy. This was out of my control.

I've kept this question with me as I grew into adolescence. I was not sure where I could turn. I lacked resources. There was nobody I felt I could speak to about this concern. And he grew with me. He changed. He became bigger, developed more of his own persona. He took traits from things I liked. What started as someone resembling The Grudge's ghost girl became more like Jeff the Killer in middle school. But the behaviors this alternate side expressed were always the same, only evolving. A smile, and a laugh. An insane laugh I could not escape in distressed times.

I was horrified. I was not me. I watched my body move without my input. I did things I wouldn't do myself.

Eventually I got migraines from stress and went to the doctor's once for that. I wondered then if I should ask about the strange thing. I could feel another pair of eyes peering out, feeding into this desire. I did not ask. I attempted to do my own research every few years with little luck. Search my symptoms. I found two results. Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD.)

I looked into DID but had doubts. This seemed ridiculous. There was no way I could have something like that, I just have some things I relate to within it. The information I found was not clear enough to suggest I could have it, and I went off lots of stereotypical Hollywood knowledge. Of course, I was smart enough to know those with DID are not dangerous criminals, but I was not aware of how amnesia really worked. I assumed I lacked it, which Must disqualify me. I thought I would remember if I had 'blocks of missing memory.' So I wondered if it was BPD. I did not find I matched that description either, so it must be something else.

When I met her, about 6 years ago, I had just started high school. I was having problems. My counselor there recommended I see her. I never thought I would get therapy, but here I was. Allowed to. I was nervous at first, but I opened up. One of our earlier sessions, I found myself able to ask a professional who could possibly finally tell me.

"What is this? I've tried looking, and I can't find an answer. It's similar to information I've found on DID, but it can't be DID because I don't have amnesia, and I don't think I'm that crazy. The other suggestion was BPD, which I don't believe I match either," was the extent of my speech.

She claimed he was a shadow, suggesting we start shadow work. We spoke more about him. I was even put under hypnosis for this "shadow work." She called for him and got to speak to him. I saw him. When that ended, she told me to name him. Whatever came to me. And so he whispered his name. "Carl." It felt right. She told me he was here for a reason. He had a job to fill. It seemed I needed a way to calm down when I got really distressed. Even if he hurt the body, finding pain funny, he was not meant to be feared. He was a part that I had to work with.

It opened my eyes. I stopped being scared. We found other shadows. More hypnosis. Some attempts more successful than others. I learned their names, I could tell what they looked like. I tried to develop an idea of what their role was. I would communicate with them. Acknowledge them. Draw them. Treat them somewhat like they were separate. I felt like I was generally getting somewhere.

Then somewhere I stopped. The voices faded into obscurity, but they never truly left. I would just need time to realize they were there again. I still noticed oddities that I could not recognize in the moment. Things that I see in hindsight. New identities, mismatched behavior, unexplained. Carl continued to be my friend. He would appear like usual. I was afraid to tell my friends about him. The way he behaves is not fit for normal society, so they may not get it. They may fear him for how he acts. They may not understand. I did not share about him for a while.

My therapist became less effective for me over time. What we did was not working for me, and circumstances drove our sessions to an end. The last time I actually saw her, I recently started college, medication, already had a job, etc. (My memory wishes to tell me something different, but what it remembers does not make sense logically when analyzed.)

June 2023. Some conversation led me and others to wonder. I explored. I asked questions, compared experiences. I may have been wrong. I learned more about amnesia. Maybe this really was DID. I began to treat it like it was. When I did, everything made a hundred times more sense. The explanation I attempted to avoid, the one I was secretly drawn to within, lingering in the back of my mind, the one I thought I could not possibly have. That may actually be it. I met new faces and united with old ones. I emerged. I have never felt more like I knew myself.

I took the shadow explanation at face value. Despite having just met me recently, she told me "It is not DID, I would know. I have had clients with DID before. That is a shadow." I recognize now that this was not a conclusive way to rule it out. In fact, experts may see my predisposed rejection of DID as a sign I am not ready to know about it. Could my old therapist have kept that from me, treating it under the guise of shadows? Or did she really believe that was the truth? I had to know. I still had her number in my phone. I thought I'd already attempted to message her months ago, but I found I hadn't. I sent a text, asked if it was still her number. She got back to me. One conversation later and I was to call her after work.

She knew me well, having worked with me for four to five years. Like talking to an old friend. It was so nice to feel understood again, as she often did for me when I was a youth. This feeling is not something I experience with most these days. It is rare. We looked at things in hindsight, and I told her everything I could now. She is older, so her training likely was decades ago. She made points for DID with general accuracy, such as the diagnosis process. Despite her unfamiliarity with newer information, such as systems able to have multiple hosts, she took it with an open and accepting mind, understanding that the psych field is expansive and ever-changing with new findings. She made sure I got my information from valid sources, since misinformation on DID is rampant. I really appreciated it. It showed she really cared.

She came to the conclusion that I should seek a professional in the field who could explore with me, like the others I've consulted. Despite not seeing me for as long as it has been, she was quick to rule out BPD when I brought it up. "DID before BPD for you," she explained. This only confirms that BPD was unlikely and uncharacteristic.

Back then, she genuinely thought I was dealing with shadows, but that I was very serious about them and got a bit extreme with them. Especially the "I cannot control them" and the separate entity from my sense of self aspects. I always took it too far. And that behavior would make more sense if I had DID. She said she could see it.

I am glad I had the opportunity to speak to her again, and I may update her occasionally in the future. I'm finally at peace knowing what she thought, finally at peace knowing I was able to thank her for her help. Even if she is not the right therapist for me and she cannot help me explore DID, she did wonderful things when I was her client. It was because of her that I began to work with my alters and acknowledge them. It was because of her that I stopped fearing the unknown over other identities. Even if unintentional, the shadow work we did, due to how similar aspects can be with DID work, helped me. And in general, she was effective for me for a while, and I cannot be more thankful.

I have reached out to someone I think may help me finally get to the bottom of this properly. I am hoping for the best. Maybe I just found my new therapist. I will find my answer.

[lastoreadoras]

Since I’m not asking to be hypnotized or something, I think this is at least mostly appropriate: are there any tips that you have for a beginner hypnotist? I have a beginner’s guide, and am making my first audio file.

This is a list of things I wish I knew early on in my hypnotist experience. I've separated them into sections with titles for easier reading. That said, this is a long post, so I've included a TL;DR at the bottom if you're in a rush.

1 - Confidence can be very helpful!

One of the biggest things I can say for someone just starting out is that you should have confidence in yourself! If you've ever done improv, you will know that rolling with mistakes is part of the fun. This applies to specifically live sessions, but if you're just making files, being confident helps too. A surprising amount of individuals will drop into trance if you're simply assertive.

There's one style of induction that I occasionally use that gaslights someone into dropping. It's really effective when it works, specifically because people trust what you say when you have authority in your voice, fake or not.

Naturally, confidence doesn't just drop everybody into trance and learning induction techniques is essential, so understand that when you learn a hypnotic method of some sort, it's a tool in your toolbox that you can apply to the right situation.

Because people are different and sometimes certain methods are more or less effective, it's good to have lots of knowledge and learn as much as you can so you can use the right tool for the job!

2 - Live and learn!

While this is just general life advice and can apply to multiple things, it's worth mentioning that if you make mistakes or don't know enough to hypnotize someone and they don't drop, it's not the end of the world. Think about how you can improve rather than getting down about the idea that you did something wrong. Being a hypnotist can be very demanding, so don't push yourself too hard just to gain subjects or something similar.

3 - Rapport is important!

Rapport, or a relationship in which you both trust each other enough to communicate your feelings clearly, is very important. If you want to hypnotize someone, gain their trust. Some people will throw themselves at you without wanting to know anything about you or share anything about themselves. Honestly, it's not worth the effort for people like this, and you should just let them listen to your files if they want hypnosis from you.

Why is this? Hypnosis is very BDSM adjacent in that it is something that can greatly deepen a relationship if both parties are consenting and eagerly doing so. Imagine hypnosis to be like a rope you're tying someone up with. If they don't trust you, or you don't trust them, tying the rope tightly will be difficult, and the experience will be lackluster for both people.

I know what you may be thinking. "How do I gain some random stranger's trust?" And the answer to that is simple! Just be a good person. I know it sounds weird, like, "Hey, I'm already doing that." But it's important to just... be polite. Put the effort in to create a pleasant interaction and they will (usually) do the same.

4 - Learn what you can!

There's lots of books out there that you can find and read. The internet is very helpful, but I've been told that "The Brainwashing Book" by sleepingirl is a helpful resource. Also, while it seems strange, books designed to teach you how to talk to people more effectively (usually directed at businesspeople or salespeople) can be very helpful as well. Clear communication is important, and there are some vaguely hypnotic things you can learn about language and communication in general.

Just by reading this you're already taking steps in the right direction! It's very bite sized compared to books you will read but I'm fairly certain that this information will be helpful.

5 - Don't forget about consent!

Contrary to popular belief, you can (kind of) make people do things they don't want to do. It's a very long process, and involves changing what they actually want so that when you hypnotize them to do it they "wanted it all along," but this is generally to be avoided unless you're doing some sort of cnc play with someone who trusts you a lot. That said, people can shorten the process by throwing themselves at you, and very eager or less informed hypnosis enthusiasts are easier to take advantage of. Sometimes. (People are different, with different brains and different thoughts!)

That said, it's very important to only do what you have permission to do. And don't ask for permission when they're already hypnotized! That'd be like asking someone for something while they are drunk or otherwise inebriated. Ensure that both people know what is going to happen in the "scene" (the hypnosis session, the trance, etc) so that both of you can enjoy it fully without issue!

Worst comes to worst, set up a safe word. While it can be difficult to safe word while entranced (for some people), it is possible and doable, so if you want to "surprise" someone make sure you give them a way to stop the trance if they need to.

6 - You are a person too!

While it's fun to take on the role of an all-powerful hypnotist and let people put you on a pedestal, sometimes you want to get down from the pedestal and just be a normal person. In the past, I personally have found it difficult to come to terms with the fact that I have needs too, but even if you don't struggle with that, it's an important reminder that, hey, you're not a trance dispenser!

If you set up a session properly, there will be time for trance and time for just... talking! Hypnosis is an excellent common interest to find similarly kinky friends, and friends are the best people to hypnotize.

7 - Closing word

At the end of the day, you're a person with your own ideas about what you want to do and how you want to do it. But I'm confident that you will take my advice to heart, because you were seeking it to begin with! Feel free to discard anything you disagree with or otherwise don't need, but I hope I was able to help in some way.

If anyone ever has any questions about hypnosis, I'm typically quite happy to answer them. Feel free to ask in my ask inbox or in my dms! It doesn't bother me if you stick to anon, but I'm always looking for more hypnosis friends.

Thanks for reading!

Or, if you didn't read, here's the TL;DR:

Be confident in everything you do- even if you doubt yourself, puff out your chest and smile. It helps!

You'll probably make mistakes, as everyone does, but as long as you learn from those mistakes, they were never really mistakes to begin with.

Hypnotizing friends and people you trust is far superior to hypnotizing random people on the internet. However, random people on the internet can quickly become a friend that you trust, with simple conversation!

Always keep an eye out for more hypnosis info, be it from books, posts like this one, or even learning from scripts/files.

Consent is hot and essential.

Don't let people put you on a pedestal for longer than you're comfortable being on said pedestal.

And of course-

Don't forget to have fun!

Cheers! <3

[angeldcgs]

in time, arlo would come to see himself more accurately, able to appreciate his unique mix of weaknesses and strengths, but for now his vision remained clouded. fern’s job was to keep up the frequent encouragement and make sure to go out of her way to point out the positive traits he may not have been aware of, because it would be impossible for him to receive constant compliments and not at least somewhat internalize those. in their first session, she’d promised she could help get him to a more confident, relaxed, happier mental state, which was a promise she fully intended on keeping, no matter what it took. all in all, they still had a lot of options to explore; surely one would have some degree of success. hypnotherapy was just the easiest to start with, having everything she needed right there in her office, and knowing that there was very little that could go wrong. “no, no, of course not!” her laughter was genuine, though his question was valid. movies and television certainly made hypnotism look like some form of mind control, but that’s not what fern was after. “i’m not gonna train you to bark like a dog whenever i tap my foot, nothing like that. i can’t force you to do anything, even while you’re under. it’s more that i’ll make suggestions, and in your state of semi-consciousness, your mind will be more open to accepting them, but you’ll still have complete free will both while you’re out, and once i bring you back.” hopefully arlo wasn’t expecting hypnotism to be some magic cure, because it didn’t work like that, either. it could definitely help ease him along his self-improvement journey, but it would still be up to him to actually go out and put her suggestions to use and enact the change she was trying to kickstart. despite having just learned of it as a possibility a matter of minutes ago, arlo still seemed so trusting, probably willing to walk right off the edge of a cliff if she asked him to, and that was both a good and bad thing in a client. she did have his best interests at heart, so it made perfect sense to trust her fully, but she didn’t want him to go around offering that same level of trust to just anyone. he was a brilliant boy, but still so naive when it came to the way the world truly operated, and fern found herself longing to protect him from the uglier side of it. not that he hadn’t already experienced his fair share of ugliness, there were just some things she didn’t think he needed to learn from experience. her expression brightened further, if that was even possible, when he agreed to give it a go, only a little nervous since it’d been several months since she’d flexed her hypnosis skills. “yeah? should we try it?” there was an unmistakable sparkle in her eyes, genuinely excited to be embarking on a new phase in his journey as she got up to go rifle through her desk drawers. “if you’d like to. just pretend you’re going to sleep, do whatever feels most comfortable to you.” having retrieved a metronome, fern returned to her seat and placed it on the coffee table between them, waiting for him to get comfortable before she turned it on. “alright… hear that ticking? i want you to count the ticks in your head, and time your breathing to it. in for four, hold for four, out for four." level gaze remained trained on him, watching his chest steadily rise and fall. "in, two, three, four... hold, two, three, four... and out, two, three, four. very good, just like that. focus on your breathing... feel it deepen... clear your head... there is nothing but the tick, your breath, and my voice. if any other thoughts pop up, don't give them any attention."

it was hard to be kind to yourself when there was little empathy to be held for your countless flaws. in arlo's eyes it felt like a lot more work to try and trick himself into believing something untrue about himself than to accept the facts, but was that not the reason he was in therapy in the first place? he needed someone to convince him that he was, in fact, good, and to help him make it as much of a fact as everything else he believed about himself. there was a seductive element to the concept of not having to actively put in work to get better. he wasn't lazy, but it wasn't the most enticing of tasks, it was scary to be focused on self-reflection, even if the person forcing him was himself. the more fern explained the concept of hypnotherapy, the more it sounded like the perfect way to skip past his inability to truly let her words penetrate him. he always listened to what she was saying, of course, but to actually accept any of it was a lot harder. this way, maybe he wouldn't be able to dismiss anything like it had come second nature to do. he returned a fond smile at the mention of her childhood, picturing the woman small and hopeful, excited for the future, with the wisdom she possessed now it was strange to imagine her at one being like him, young and unsure of what the future held. they were different in that way, at least she had an idea of something she wanted to do, even if it was something deemed as silly by other's perspectives, arlo had never been able to put his foot down and decide a single thing. the only reason he found himself studying once again was because the thought of being out of academia was terrifying, at least he could be told what to do for a little longer. "i... i don't know, it's not like you're going to brainwash me or anything? i can't see what could go wrong." another shy, boyish smile spread across his face. in his eyes, fern wouldn't have suggested the concept if she didn't think it would help, so what was there to be worried about? he had already told her so much about him, if something was lurking deep below the surface then she was the right person to help lure it out. the only thing he found himself being slightly apprehensive about was the notion of his little crush on her coming to light, but he was convinced that even in whatever state he ended up, that was a secret he always knew better than to bring up. "i... yeah, yeah i mean- i'd like to give it a go." he hunched a little further down in his seat, one of his hands coming down to rub a couple of comforting strokes up and down the length of his thigh. "do i just... lay down?"

[i-hate-liking-batman]

⭐️10 Characters, 10 Fandoms, 10 Tags⭐️

I was tagged by @just-an-enby-lemon which I can't see on the actual post which I blame tumbr but I was curious to see who I prioritize! The order I do these characters in probably isn't listed in the most to least favorite but they will be top 10 characters!

1. Percy Jackson- The Lightning Thief

YES I am the simpleton who likes main characters but in my defense they were made to be liked!!! This is not my fault. I loved his humor and the way he cared for his friends and the series is still my favorite book series!!!

2. Asagiri Gen- Dr. Stone

YOU GUYS! I'm so obsessed with this man I bought a figure!!! I'm a sucker for people who seem suspicious but are good people and Gen is just so cool! I love him literally using psychological tactics so they can save the day! The manga has ended and I'm devastated but the new anime season is coming this January so I'm looking forward to that!!! (I have soooo many Gen pics I've saved that I had to look through)

3. Reigen Arataka- Mob Psycho 100

THIS MAN IS SO GOOD. HE'S BEEN MY FAVORITE EVER SINCE HE DID HIS STUPID "HYPNOSIS PUNCH"!!! WHAT A LEGEND. Honestly he's such a dad and collects espers like currency as he BS's his way through life. I love him so much and I wrote a fic for this fandom and he is definitely in it because I love him. It's almost done too! Had a 5k writing session and now I just have to edit this monster and I'm done!!!

4. Suzuki Iruma- Welcome to Demon School Iruma-kun

THIS MANGA IS SO UNDERRATED AND IT IS MY ALL TIME FAVORITE ONE!!! I have a hard time picking my favorite character in this manga so main character it is. He's a good boy and I love him learning how to have dreams. I don't like the anime as much as the manga, but I highly reccomend both!!! Season 3 is coming this October and I'm soooo ready!!!!

5. Sung Hyunjae- The S-Classes that I Raised

GUYS. THIS MAN IS SO GOOD. Not like in a moral sense but I love him. I loved him even before he was handsome through art because the novel gives him so much great content. He's literally so gay for the main character I was genuinely confused if the author was going to have them end up together. He's such a little shit but he's funny and that's all I need from him. Also can confirm that he's pretty, which is also a plus.

6. Howard Link- D.Grayman

This was a huge battle between Allen and LINK but Link has slowly crept into my heart and taken it hostage. He's a complicated character who you can't tell is going to side with at times, but he does his best even if his decisions are wrong and he trusts the wrong people. Also. He's pretty. I'm a sucker for pretty people i'll be truthful here.

7. Hulk- Avengers Earth's Mighest Heroes

A lot of people haven't seen this version of the animated avengers show, and that's devastating! Usually Spider-Man is my favorite Marvel character overall but this show really put my love for the Hulk on max. The entire show was a gem, but I loved the interactions Bruce and Hulk had in this show. They had a deal. Hulk would be out, and Hulk would do good. He wanted freedom but he was used to not getting it and had trouble trusting people. HULK WASN'T JUST MUSCLE. He had his own thoughts and feelings. Anyways watch this show.

8. Billy Batson(Captain Marvel)- DC

I didn't really choose a specific place for where Billy is my favorite character, but he is for sure my favorite! Second place is Dick Grayson because he's Damian's dad BUT ANYWAY. I loved his bright view on the world and the way he kept to his morals. They've changed him a bit from that first impression, but it'll always be my favorite. I also loved the Shazam movie so I guess I'm not too picky lol. He's a good kid and I think he should just not be found out by the Justice League and they can just be confused as Batman tries to figure out why Captain Marvel thinks it's fine to talk like a 10/14 year old.

9. Phoenix Wright- Ace Attorney

I have never actually played this game but I watched a playthrough through the first one and just got the rest of my knowledge from fanfic lol. But he's a fun quirky guy who means well and I like that about him! Also he's totally in love with Miles Edgeworth so they should really just get married.

10. Kozume Kenma- Haikyu

I love this anime to bits and this man had my heart from the start. Suga is number two but Kenma is the ultimate favorite. My best friend painted me a haikyu poster with him as the center and I love it to bits. I love his friendship with Hinata and I just think he's neat!

This was a lot of fun but I started blanking around for favorite characters around number 8 whoops!!! I either went for pretty obscure or well known so there isn't any in between whoops! I can't tag many people bc I have no courage so here is some (you don't have to if you don't want to!) @irumaismybaby @alyss-spazz-penedo @humangerbil @mostlyinconvenient

[vecnawrites]

Hypnotic Suggestions, Chapter 1

Pyrrha Nikos loved her partner, Joan Arc. Practically everybody but the blonde knew that. She also wanted nothing more than for the blonde to see in herself, what the redhead saw in her. Could hypnosis help her bring the blonde out of her shell? Or would it simply bring about the redhead’s own fall?

Pyrrha adored her partner, Joan Arc. The bubbly blonde’s personality was so honest, so earnest, kind and caring, that it was a wonder that only she seemed to be interested in her romantically...although she was also grateful for that on some level, since she hadn’t been able to confess to the precious blonde yet.

But despite Joan’s loving qualities, she had several faults as well, mainly ones relating to how she felt towards herself. She didn’t know how she had such low self-worth and self-esteem, but she took it upon herself to help her, just like she was helping her in her combat training.

But most of the normal methods had failed so far. Positive reinforcement had actually been working somewhat, but when it seemed like everyone and the teacher (damn you, Goodwitch!) went out of their way to cut you down, the positive reinforcement of three meant nothing, sadly.

She was desperate by this point. Joan was a wonderful woman, she just needed to be able to see it for herself! Flipping through through several articles on her scroll while her teammates were asleep, she paused as something came up across her screen.

‘Hypnosis?’ she looked at the screen, snorting slightly after a moment and about to back out and go to another page, but she hesitated, something staying her hand for one reason or another. ‘It...it couldn’t hurt to just look, could it?’ she asked herself, glancing at her sleeping crush, seeing the peaceful look on her sleeping face, the slight smile on those plump lips...one she would give most anything to make sure stayed there.

Squaring her shoulders, Pyrrha clicked the link, emerald eyes roaming the page of information that emerged, seeing the testimonials that she could click on. One was a smoker, who had been smoking for twenty years and stopped immediately; another was of a drinker who had been drinking profusely daily who now hated the taste of alcohol; and the last, which truly caught her attention, was that of someone with self-esteem and self-worth issues. Opening the page, she read their testimonial.

“I was always a very quiet and unassuming individual. The one no one looked at. A complete and utter wallflower that no one thought twice of. I spent most of my time being teased and tormented by my peers, crying in my bed most nights and dreading the next day.”

Pyrrha blinked, sucking in a sharp breath. That sounded like Joan to a tee, down to dreading the next day of school. She knew that Cardin’s team still bothered her, even if the head oaf himself didn’t. She glanced at her sleeping partner, who despite her restful sleep and the smile on her lips, had slightly puffed eyes, telling Pyrrha that she had been crying when she had taken her shower before crawling into bed.

Her heart squeezed painfully in her chest and she felt fury swim through her blood, hating that people considered Joan’s kind and loving heart a weakness to make fun of. It wasn’t her fault her parents hadn’t let her train! She was advancing fast enough that Pyrrha was sure that if she had gotten the training she had wanted when she was younger, she would be on par with herself! She would ensure it!

Shaking her head, she took a deep breath to calm herself, having been trembling from emotion and turned herself back to the testimonial, intent on getting as much information as she could from it, as well as what to do to help the girl she so loved.

“I never thought that I would be able to live a normal life, to be able to walk with my head held high and just be happy. But through hypnosis, I became so much happier! Through several sessions, I was slowly helped to learn that none of these opinions mattered, that I should be proud and happy of my body, and of who I was! With these sessions of hypnosis, I was able to wear nicer clothes that showed off my body, confess to my crush, and am now married and pregnant with our first child! The only thing I regret...is that I didn’t do this sooner.” -Katarina Bronzewater

Pyrrha’s heart thumped heavily in her chest, feeling as though Joan’s issues had been lived by another person, and that person had been helped by hypnosis...would it help Joan just as much? Without thinking, her fingers danced along her scroll pad, applying for it through a dummy email account she had set up and having the information sent to her. Her heart beat faster. This was it! She had a good feeling about this! All she had to do was look over the information and convince Joan!

The Next Day

Thankfully, it was a Sunday, because the moment that the hypnosis lessons arrived, Pyrrha had started reading and hadn’t stopped, not even noticing the time passing by, not until she notice the light peeking through the blinds and the warning of her alarm about to go off on her scroll.

Quickly shutting it off, Pyrrha sighed and rubbed her face, knowing that today would likely suck, but considering what she had learned, she couldn’t complain. Thankfully, as it was a Sunday, so she could just crash early tonight. But firstly, she was going to convince Joan to undergo hypnosis and let her help her. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be too difficult. But first, a shower.

“Hmm, hmm…ahhhh~” Pyrrha hummed happily as the steaming water washed over her body, running through her hair, down her chest and over her breasts, flowing down her back and stomach, over her rear and between her legs, placing a hand on the wall, Pyrrha’s eyes drifted shut as her free hand slipped over her cock and palming as she began to participate in her normal morning ritual, Joan fantasizing. It was a wonderful way to relax before she started the stress of her day.

~x~x~

“Pyrrha, are you sure? We could get caught!” Joan squeaked out as she slipped her hand under her skirt under the desk in Port’s class. Pyrrha only smiled at her lover, knowing that all of their fellow classmates weren’t paying attention at all, either asleep or bored to death by the portly man’s droning.

“Not if you keep quiet~” she purred into the blonde’s ear, her fingers slipping into her precious partner’s underwear and running them over her wet folds. “If you fear you’ll make a sound, feel free to bury your face into my chest~” Pyrrha teased, watching as her beloved’s eyes rolled up as her fingers began to delve into her slick core, slowly and gently thrusting into her.

She watched with glee as Joan squirmed and shifted in her seat, biting her lower lip in an attempt to stifle her pleasured moans. Pyrrha liked that, it only gave her more reason to thrust her fingers harder, fast, deeper into the blonde’s flexing core.

“P-P-Pyrrha, p-please…” the blonde whined, doing as she had teasingly offered earlier and burying her face into her ample bosom (although nowhere near as ample as Joan’s wonderful chest) and looking up pleadingly.

Pyrrha smirked, leaning down and brushing her nose against Joan’s. “Cum~” she purred, feeling the blonde’s walls flexing and clenching around her fingers as the precious blonde buried her face into her cleavage and squealed as she gushed over her fingers and on her chair.

~x~x~

Pyrrha shuddered, biting down harshly on her lip as she came hard, cock spurting hard and spraying her thick cum on the shower floor in thick streaks of fluid, forming puddles that slowly were diluted by the water and dragged down the drain.

The redheaded champion panted happily, relaxing as the endorphins slowly ebbed away, her cock softening in her hand. Normally, she would have a second go and enjoy another fantasy, but she knew that this morning she would need to talk to Joan and convince her to let her do the hypnotic treatment. She hoped it wasn’t difficult, but...the beautiful blonde was worth it.

~x~x~

Joan blinked once. Twice. Then three times as she registered Pyrrha’s words. Tilting her head and almost tasting the words in her head. “H-Hypnosis?” she repeated, wondering if she had heard wrong. However, Pyrrha’s fast, and almost eager nod told her she wasn’t mistaking it for something else.

“I’ve noticed that positive reinforcement is working, but there is the fact that you still are too hard on yourself for things that aren’t your fault.” Joan flushed a bit as Pyrrha reached out and took her hand between both of her own, giving her a warm feeling. She opened her mouth to speak, but Pyrrha cut her off. “I know what people say about hypnotism, Joan...but please...trust me.” the naked plea in Pyrrha’s voice hurt, because she knew that she too had felt that sort of plea, when she had told Pyrrha about how little training she had gotten and begged for help.

Swallowing, Joan looked at her partner. “You...you...you’ll take care of me if this works, right?” she didn’t want to be callous and ask, “you won’t take advantage of me, right?” that the fear in the back of her mind was giving her. But...she knew Pyrrha! There was no way that she would take advantage if it worked and make her do something embarrassing!

Pyrrha smiled at Joan softly, rubbing her hand gently. “I promise, Joan...nothing bad will happen to you...I swear it.” she was almost there, almost had gotten her to agree. She just needed that one final push. “I mean, you have nothing to lose trying this, right? Please, let me help.”

Pyrrha fought the urge to dance in joy when Joan nodded to her. Finally! It had taken long minutes of intense negotiation for her to agree to this!

“Okay, Joan...I want you take a comfortable position and close your eyes for me…” she could see Joan hesitating, so she squeezed the blonde’s hand again. “Trust. Me.” she knew she was asking a lot, but she wanted nothing more than to help the blonde she loved. Swallowing, Joan nodded, leaning back comfortably in her chair and closing her eyes.

Pyrrha took a deep breath and swallowed. She knew that she had to be careful about this, the last thing she wanted was to make her precious partner unnerved or frightened.

“Joan...take slow, deep breaths...listen to my voice...focus on it, and only it...you’re drifting into a wonderful, relaxing void, where you feel safe...where nothing can hurt you…” Pyrrha began, seeing Joan slowly begin to relax in her seat. “I’m going to slowly count down backwards, from ten to zero. With each number, you will fall deeper and deeper into the trance. Upon reaching zero, I will snap my fingers and you will be fully immersed and unable to wake without me snapping my fingers again. Ten...nine...eight...seven...six...five...four...three...two...one...zero.” Snap!

Joan slumped in her seat, her head lolling gently as though she was asleep. “Joan, if you can hear me, I want you to open your eyes and look at me.” she waited with bated breath to see if this would work. Her heart leapt as Joan immediately raised her head, her eyes open, hazy and almost foggy, like she was half asleep, rather than the clear cerulean blue she normally saw.

Now came the test. Pyrrha wasn’t just going to go on how her eyes looked to believe she was under hypnotic trance. An experiment first, then. Something that Joan wouldn’t normally do before anyone else. Then, she would place the subconscious commands that would help Joan. “Joan, stick out your tongue.”

Immediately, Joan stuck out the pink muscle and wiggled it about, making Pyrrha swallow and her cock twitch in her compression underwear, her mind going immediately to how that swaying bit of flesh could be put to better use making her cock feel good. She banished those thoughts to the back of her mind; that could happen in her next fantasy when she showered, or better yet, it could happen when she got Joan as her girlfriend. The thought made her giddy, but she pushed that away too. Now was time to help Joan.

“Joan, you can hear me, correct?” she asked, seeing Joan pull her tongue back in and nod, her head bobbing almost drunkenly. “...yes…” her voice made Pyrrha’s cock throb. It was almost a moan, and whispered promises of what she might sound like underneath her, in her bed as they made love.

A hard shake of the head this time. She was so close to helping Joan! Now wasn’t the time for her fantasies! “I want you to listen carefully to me okay? Everything I tell you is the truth.” she watched as Joan nodded her head again. Taking a deep breath, Pyrrha began her work.

“Joan, you aren’t going to belittle yourself anymore...you have grown so much since you came Beacon, you’re already above all of Team Cardinal, and quickly rising the ranks even more! You. Are. Growing.” she took another breath. “Nod if you understand me.” another nod from Joan, her eyes hazy and breathing steady.

“There is no need to look down on yourself because of other people’s words. Don’t let their words about your schooling, your fighting ability, bother you. The only person you have to worry about is yourself...as long as you are happy, that’s all that matters. Okay?” another nod followed, and Pyrrha was glad that she showed no hesitance at all so far.

“The same for your body. There is nothing to be ashamed of about it, Joan...I’m not saying you need a new wardrobe, but when in the locker rooms, you need to stop hiding yourself away. That actually brings more attention to you…” Pyrrha could see Joan twitching, making her frown. She knew that was a sign that Joan was fighting the command. “Joan!” she said sharply, before continuing with a softer tone. “I’m not saying that you need to show off to everyone like Yang!” the blonde from RWBY had no shame whatsoever, taking her time topless to do other things as slowly as possible.

Joan calmed and relaxed again, making Pyrrha breathe a sigh of relief. “Joan, you need to ignore the opinions of other people about your body. The only person who’s opinion matters besides your own is the person you love and are dating. Nod to me if you understand.” there was a moment of long, terrifying silence, before Joan nodded firmly, making her breathe a sigh of immense relief. “Okay, Joan...I’m going to count backwards from ten to zero, and when I snap my fingers you will awaken. Ten...nine...eight…seven...six...five...four...three...two...one...zero!” Snap!

Joan gasped, jolting awake as it felt like she had been half asleep. She had vaguely heard Pyrrha talking to her, but couldn’t for the life of her remember what she had said. “D-Did it work?” she asked, her voice slightly groggy.

Pyrrha smiled. “We won’t know until tomorrow...but I will tell you this, you were a wonderful hypnotic subject. Thank you for trusting me…” she smiled, reaching forwards and brushing Joan’s loose blonde locks out of her face. “Now, what do you say we relax and watch a movie together?” it would be the perfect excuse to cuddle Joan, after all. Seeing Joan’s expression brighten, she knew she had the right idea.

As the pair curled up together on Pyrrha’s bed, the redhead honestly thought things couldn’t be more perfect right now.

Monday

Joan was shocked that today had gone fine! She had gone to classes and despite certain people mocking or ribbing her in Doctor Oobleck’s class (Weiss and Yang, mostly), it..it hadn’t bothered her like it normally did. It hadn’t bothered her at all, as a matter of fact. It was odd.

The same happened in Goodwitch’s class. Her critical responses simply flowed off her, not anywhere near as cutting as they had been during her previous classes. Instead of panic, fear, and shame, she felt a sense of calm as her teacher berated her for not being as strong as the students that had been trained for years. She had simply listened, nodded, and returned to her seat next to Pyrrha. That sent the cogs in her head turning.

It was when they went to the locker rooms for their after class showers that she realized, being that she was disrobing in front of her locker rather than scurrying away to hide in a corner, and she wasn’t feeling nauseated or shamed about her body, even when Weiss made snide comments about how the nutrients for her brain must have gone to her chest.

As she entered the shower and stood under the hot spray, washing off the sweat and grime from Combat Class, it struck her what was different about today. ‘The Hypnosis!’ her heart skipped a beat from joy. It had worked! She hadn’t honestly believed that all her problems could be solved by hypnosis, but...she bit back an excited squee, knowing that she would have to do something wonderful for Pyrrha in the future. But first...she knew that hypnosis was stronger in those that had multiple sessions. She was more than willing to go through them if they ensured she always felt this good about herself!

After drying and dressing back in their uniforms, Joan walked silently back to the dorms next to Pyrrha, Nora having dragged Ren off somewhere. The blonde loved the bubbly Valkyrie like a sister, but she didn’t know how Ren handled her some days!

Upon reaching the dorm and entering, Joan couldn’t hold back anymore, grabbing Pyrrha in a tight hug and sniffling. She felt her partner’s arms wrap around her. “Joan? Is something wrong?” the blonde managed to shake her head. “Thank you…” she murmured.

Pyrrha tilted her head. She had a good idea what she was being thanked for. Smiling, she hugged her partner close. “You’re welcome, Joan. I’m glad you’re happy…” she hummed.

The pair was quiet and comfortable in each other’s arms for several moments, before Joan finally gathered the courage to speak. “C-Can you hypnotize me again? Reinforce it? I...I don’t want to lose this feeling...I feel...I feel good.”

Pyrrha smiled. “Sure, Joan. Let’s get comfortable first.” she was overjoyed that it not only was working, Joan was actively seeking out another treatment to reinforce it.

The pair took their positions that they had been in yesterday, and slowly, Pyrrha slipped Joan back into hypnosis, waiting for her head to slump and her eyes to grow hazy again.

“Joan, today was a good day, wasn’t it, sweetie?” she asked, smiling as the blonde immediately nodded. “You want to feel that more, right?” Joan nodded again. “Yes…” she said softly. Pyrrha nodded. “Then we can do that. I want you to think about how you felt today, how nothing bothered you...think on those feelings, Joan. Remember the orders that I gave you yesterday...remember them.” Joan nodded drunkenly at Pyrrha’s words.

Pyrrha was about to lift the hypnosis, but a traitorous thought came from the back of her mind. She could easily learn how Joan felt about her...even make her forget the question, so there would be no harm done. None at all. Biting her lower lip, she swallowed, before blurting out, “Joan, answer honestly, please. How do you feel about me?”

She waited with baited breath, hoping beyond hope that Joan would tell her what she wished. Her heart rose as Joan opened her mouth-

“I see you as a very close friend, practically another sister.”

-only to plummet down below her stomach, her face screwed up in despair. Why? Why!? Why had the one girl she honestly ever treated her normally, ever loved, see her only as a good friend, another sister?! What had she done wrong?

Her emotions were swelling within her, love, sadness, despair, even anger as she thought about what to do, her breath hitched and palms became sweaty as she clenched her fists. Before she knew it, she was blurting out, “Joan, you will forget seeing me as a sister, instead, you feel deeply for me, but you aren’t sure whether its sibling like or romance like. Nod if you understand me.”

Pyrrha’s eyes widened even as Joan nodded, registering what she had said. Guilt flooded through her, she had sworn not to take advantage of Joan, and here she did. ‘Well, at least she has the chance to choose her feelings…I could have just forced her to love me...’ she thought.

She raised her hands to lift the hypnosis, feeling as if she had done enough damage, but another urge, a big one that made her cock twitch in her underwear, reared its ugly head. She knew that Joan might not see her as she wanted...even with the ‘reset’. So this shouldn’t hurt either, right? “Joan…” she swallowed hard, staring at the blonde intensely. “Joan, take off your top and binder…” she hated herself at that moment, but she knew that if Joan didn’t see her as lover potential, she would never see her like this.

She swallowed, her mouth going dry as Joan unbuttoned her blouse in a clinical fashion, revealing the black binder wrap she wore around her torso to flatten her breasts and make her seem flatter than she really was.

Her cock throbbed angrily as Joan reached behind her in practiced motions and unlatched the binder, which fell off and landed on the floor before the bed, her breasts almost exploding outwards.

Pyrrha drooled. Joan breasts were utterly out of this world, seemingly as big as her own head and capped with puffy, inverted nipples. She licked her lips, knowing those must be sensitive. She didn’t know how big they were but that was easily solved. “Joan, how big are your breasts?” she asked, her voice a sensual groan. The blonde spoke, her voice hazy, “..I’m an H-Cup…” she murmured.

Pyrrha groaned, her cock throbbing hard. “Joan, stay still and let me explore a bit, okay? I won’t be long.” she didn’t even wait for the nod before she moved forwards and cupped the blonde’s breasts, groaning again as her fingers outright sank into the heavenly softness. Leaning forwards she buried her face into the massive mammaries, sighing and beginning to kiss all over the soft flesh, inhaling the scent of vanilla. Her kisses and squeezes became more frantic, sucking on the flesh inside her cleavage, nipping the skin gently as she moved down and around the beautiful swells. Chancing a look up at Joan, she saw that her cheeks were flushed a deep red and she could feel her heart beating fast through her fingertips and see her breathing moving faster. She could have done this all day, were it not for a complete buzzkill happening. A beep from her scroll told her that it was almost dinnertime.

Pyrrha huffed, backing away and looking at Joan’s flushed form, her massive breasts pink from the attentions of her fingers and her lips, her nipples swollen but otherwise still hidden in their little slits. She licked her lips. She wanted nothing more than to taste those large buds, but now wasn’t the time. For one, she knew that if Joan was this responsive under hypnosis, how responsive would she be if she wasn’t? For another, she didn’t know when their teammates would come back after all, since they had agreed to bring dinner for them. “Joan, sweetie? I need you to redress for me, love.”

Immediately, the stacked blonde began to redress, grabbing her binder and placing it on, with some difficulty, flattening and hiding her breasts from the world, and Pyrrha’s appreciative eyes. Part of the redhead kicked herself for not taking pictures, but the more logical part of her knew that was entirely too dangerous. If her scroll was hacked or, Gods forbid, Nora grabbed her scroll and opened it without asking, it would immediately become apparent that she had done more than ‘help’ Joan in these sessions.

As Joan pulled back on her blouse and buttoned it up, Pyrrha smiled. “Okay, sweetie...I want you to forget the last few minutes that happened, okay? You will forget that I asked you to take off your shirt and binder, and that I played with your wonderful breasts...that information will just stress you, so anything odd, your mind will just explain away...so you don’t need to worry, okay?” she watched as the hazy-eyed blonde’s head bobbed up and down several times, a small smile on her face. “The last thing you remember is me reinforcing your self-esteem...and you will subconsciously remember to give me the chance to be seen as a lover in your eyes, rather than be seen as a sibling...when I snap my fingers, you will wake up, feeling thoroughly refreshed.” she raised her hand, thumb and middle finger pressed together, “One, two, three…” snap!

Joan blinked several times as she was pulled out of the warm, comforting haze, feeling content and comfortable with herself once more. Overcome with emotion, she opened her arms and lurched forwards, grabbing her shocked partner in a hug. “Thank you so much, Pyrrha!” she cried out, squeezing the redhead tightly. She found herself blushing, a deep warmth, so much different than it had been filling her as Pyrrha’s arms wrapped around her, hugging her gently.

She shivered in Pyrrha’s arms, her breasts felt funny, like they had been played with, but she knew that wasn’t possible. They must be feeling so sensitive due to her binder. Maybe she was outgrowing it again, or the fibers were wearing thin? Either way, she might need a new one.

Pyrrha was shocked as Joan lunged at her, a jolt of fear making her believe that the hypnosis had failed and she knew what she had done, but upon hearing her gasped thanks and tight hug, relief flooded through her. She smiled softly, wrapping her arms around Joan’s torso and tugging her close. “There’s no need to thank me, Joan...I’d do anything for you…”

As the beautiful blonde turned away, Pyrrha saw with delight that there was a blush on her cheeks and her looking away, so much like how Nora acted around Ren. That meant the command was working! Any lingering guilt faded, since Joan wasn’t immediately declaring her love she was sure that there was no issue with her commands. Hopefully, though...hopefully soon she would have a wonderful blonde girlfriend to call her own?

[norealnameshere]

Arie Rambles About Text Hypnosis!

(A long writing/essay about what I’ve learned about text hypnosis and the stuff I commonly tell people when they ask about it. :3 )

I adore text hypnosis. I’ve had chances to experience all of the main hypnosis mediums (other than in person, text, voice, video being the others) from BOTH sides, as a tist and as a subject, and text hypnosis is still probably my favorite. 

It also seems to be the least known and least liked of all the mediums, and I’ve found myself writing and rewriting information about and defenses of it time and time again, and I had the idea to write up a neat little document to share and save myself some time. X3

In this (extremely long) piece of writing, I will mostly be addressing a lot of the questions and complaints I’ve heard from people when I tell them I do text hypnosis. The main parts will be a discussion of trance states, the complaints people tend to make, a list of advantages vs disadvantages (and some suggestions for dealing with them), and a bit about tips and tricks and advice from what I do and what I’ve done. X3

Before I begin, I still very much consider myself an amateur, please do not take this as straight fact, it is merely a writeup of my opinions and what I’ve experienced. (At the time of writing, I’ve been doing text hypno as a subject for about a year and a half, and as a tist for about a year.)

Introduction, mostly about kinds of trance states

A lot of the misconceptions about text hypno are at heart misconceptions about hypnosis itself - I’ve also done a LOT of working with newbies and introducing them to hypnosis, and I always tell them that the first thing to do is to toss away pretty much whatever their preconceived notions are. Film/tv shows/books and stage/street hypnosis are fun to watch, but what they portray are very specific ways of approaching trance - possible, yes, but not common in actuality.

The popular image of hypnosis is of someone going limp, eyes closed, unable to move, barely able to respond aloud. Or, as in many thriller/spy movies, someone hypnotized against their will, brainwashed and able to be set off with a single word to go do...whatever they’ve been programmed to do. And those are POSSIBLE, just not at all common. (The second usually requires a great deal of drugs and other bad shenanigans, but that would be another topic for another informational writing. Perhaps I’ll write on subject agency one day. Likely I’ll not. xD)

However, trance states come in a HUGE variety of appearances, and there are some that happen in everyday life, outside of hypnosis. The most common one mentioned is if you’re driving along and find yourself at your destination without really noticing the journey along the way. Another is reading a page of a book and realizing that you can’t really remember any of what you just read. ‘Zoning out’ is a type of trance state. I like to consider those uncontrolled trance states, and hypnosis and meditation guided trance states. (And the difference between those, to me, is like someone walking ahead of you and leading you down a path (Meditation) vs someone taking your hand and pulling you down a path (Hypnosis))

(I always tell newbies in a first session that if they feel lightly relaxed, I consider it a success. Like any other skill, it is something you can build on and deepen *pun intended*. ;3)

And people can trance differently at different times - most of the time I’m ‘down’, I’m just very still and seem to focusing intently on the computer screen, either waiting for words if its text hypno or listening for words if its voice or video. I have gotten to a point where I can go body limp, face blank, completely out of it levels of trance, but it’s not something that happens commonly, and not something I want to have happen commonly. I very much prefer the kind of trance state where you can listen and react and are in an incredibly suggestible state. ;3

Complaints and Misconceptions, Mentioned and Addressed.

WITH THAT SAID, let’s get back to text hypnosis. 

There’s a few major complaints and misconceptions about text hypnosis, and I’ll go through them one by one with the common points I make in response.

“Text hypnosis can’t be real, because in real hypnosis the subject goes completely limp and there’s no way they can type.” (This is an actual thing said to me by a supposedly trained and credited tist I was negotiating a session with. When I tried to say actually, that’s not true, he sent pictures of his girlfriend to ‘prove real trance looks like this’, and jumped down my throat when I asked if he had permission to do that. I’ve had some interesting people in my DMs in the past. xD)

- Those paragraphs up there about trance states? Yep, that, that’s how I usually respond. (Although I may or may not have gotten REAL detailed about some of the things I’ve done while under in text hypno when I responded to the interesting individual I mentioned. x3)

“I don’t understand how someone can type while they’re tranced.”

- Unless you’re someone who genuinely struggles with typing and has to consider every key as you press it, in general typing is not exactly an active thought activity. Most of the time you don’t go ‘I need to type yes, so I’m going to press the y key now, and the e key now, and the s key now. Often, you don’t even think ‘I am typing the word yes now.”, you just...think words and type them as you go, without even directly thinking about the keyboard.

However, it is also something you can work on making easier and more natural. When I’m working with someone new who is uncertain about typing while in trance, I will start by not making them for the first session, I’ll take them down, then bring them up again and check in on them and ask for feedback. I tell them that any questions they see during trance they can answer aloud or in their mind, whatever works well for them. When they’re comfortable with that level, I’ll start having them answer with a y for yes and an n for no (and make sure to ask only yes/no questions). We’ll work up from there as necessary. :)

“I hate text hypnosis because there’s no feedback.”

- I will grant that feedback is not as immediate as it is in voice/video/in person. You cannot hear or see the person and know, moment by moment, how they appear to be doing. However, there are many ways of getting feedback, and sight/sound are not the only ones by a long shot. 

Especially in a first session, I tend to do a series of short drops - taking someone down a little bit, bringing them up, and checking in on how everything is going, what’s worked well, what hasn’t worked as well, etc. Not only is this a good way of getting feedback of how things are going, it also serves to fractionate the subject a little. ;3

As you do more text hypnosis, you also get to know things to watch for - responses starting to slow down, grammar and spelling changing, fuzzy typing (oh gods, I love fuzzy typing~), etc. Having that history of what was typed means you can also have your subject read back over what happened and give you feedback based on that - I know quite a few people whose memories get fuzzy about what actually happened in sessions, but having that record can jog the memory and help them go ‘oh yeah, that happened, and this could have gone better, and...”

Sometimes I feel like it’s *better* feedback in the long run, because I can scroll back through the history and see what I’ve done in the past and how it’s worked. Since I started doing mostly voice hypno with my pets, I’ve missed having that record, because I have a terrible memory. ^^”

“Text hypnosis is fake, it’s all just roleplayers.”

- Sometimes, yes. Usually that’s something you can figure out if you make sure you have a good, thorough discussion and negotiation beforehand, to find out what everyone involved wants out of the session. If it’s something that really bothers you, make sure to include it in your list of questions.

I would say this is a VERY important thing to find out if it’s someone you’re planning on doing an extended number of sessions with, but that’s also the kind of person you should have constant ongoing discussions with anyways. (Hell, I’ve been with my tist and my pets for a long while now, and we still periodically have negotiations. Things change and need to be rediscussed. It happens. :3)

If it’s a one off session, well...at least you’re getting practice with your writing, right?

(I will update this from time to time with other frequent questions or complaints I hear or receive.)

Advantages vs Disadvantages

Now for something a little more fun! Advantages of text vs the other mediums, as well as disadvantages and how to overcome them. :3 (This is definitely a section I’ll update over time, as I think of more things to add. ^-^)

Advantages:

- One of the absolute best things about text is the record it leaves. Unless you record your sessions, voice and video and in person sessions are left only in the memories of the participants. In text, unless the place you’re typing in is deleted after a certain point (or if someone edits their text afterwards, tho’ that actually can be fun too, and I’ll address it later. ;3), you have this useful record of what you did, what was said. 

This is great for multiple reasons. The first and biggest one for me is how much it helps, considering my memory issues - I have a shitty memory, and forget things way too easily. On both tist and sub side, it’s great to be able to scroll back and reread what happened in a session. Second, rereading is a great way to relive and refeel those memories (especially if you miiiiight possibly have the ability to reexperience memories almost as strong as the moment they were made, coughcough) which is also hella good for conditioning. (;3) Third, it can be fun to link back to certain points or use bits of the written record against people. You can tease them with things they wrote, reference past experiences, or (and this is definitely absolutely completely hypothetical and not something I’ve had done to me at ALL, oh no. >.>) leave little ‘traps’ if you know they reread - “When you reread this, send ‘this message’ to me so I know you did, and then forget~” kinds of things.

This fact can also help if you have different schedules or are in different time zones, you can leave short written bits for the other, delayed action traps so to speak that go off when read - not as a replacement for active sessions, but a fun supplement. :3

- Related to this idea but in a different direction, you can create...hmm, kind of ‘homework assignments’ for a subject to read later, or read over and over again. VERY useful for conditioning, especially if you have a suggestion or an order of ‘once you have finished reading this, write [this sentence] to me to let me know you have read it.’

- Another HUGE advantage of text is privacy. I still live with my family and, while I have the benefit of a basement room, interruptions are common and curious ears are a possibility. For people who live with roommates or with bedrooms in the house closer to family members, privacy becomes even more critical. On the subject side there might be some visual signs of what’s happening, depending on what’s being done and how they trance, but overall on both sides it will just look like concentrating intently on the screen and typing, just like writing an email or visiting with people on a discord. 

As a side note to that, you can also do fun things like be innocently sitting in a voice channel with them, chatting with other people, while sending them suggestions or triggers in text, and watch them try not to react, try to resist. ;3

- Just like there are certain tricks only doable in voice or video or in person, there are things you can do in text that aren’t easily replicated in text. 

Just a few ideas off the top of my head are using formatting for various kinds of emphasis (italics and bold are great for helping to add ‘tone’ to your typing, strikethrough can be a fun way to tease someone or to say something you’re too flustery to admit openly, spoiler text can be used to tempt someone and trick them or trap them); italics can be used to denote ‘actions’, which some people either have or can develop the ability to ‘feel’; making use of brackets for different effects (anything I write within {these} you obey immediately and then forget doing is a big one. I’ve created an ability for like...the back part of my head to communicate with my tist even when the active part of my head is dropped, which is pretty useful to be able to go {hey, that thing you suggested got interpreted wrong and I’m kinda stuck now}, and report on things without having to actually come back up. x3); tying triggers or suggestions to emotes to have innocent seeming ways to play with someone or fluster them; and so many more. X3

- Text hypnosis is a godsend for people with hearing or speech problems. I have certain hearing issues that make it hard for me to hear people with certain voice pitches, especially when over a phone or a voice channel. It can break immersion and be frustrating if you have to keep asking for someone to repeat what they’ve said or repeat yourself for someone. You don’t have to worry about volume control or if your microphone is picking up everything you’re saying, don’t have to worry about people misunderstanding your accent, don’t have to worry that you’re mishearing something and responding in the wrong way. 

- One of the biggest reasons I love text hypnosis is the small amount of space I have to think about what I’m writing before I send it. I am WORLDS more creative with my phrasing in text as opposed to in voice, because I don’t have to worry about stammering or stuttering or hesitating while I figure out where I’m going next. Plus I have a tiny amount of time to change what I’m sending before I hit send, if I realize mid sentence that its not what I want to say. I can be thinking about the next line while I’m still typing the last one, but I can’t think of the next sentence while I’m in the middle of saying the current one.

- Seeing a whole page full of typed mantras is lovely, just saying. ;3

Disadvantages (and potential fixes!)

- Biggest one is lack of immediate feedback, which I discussed earlier. :3

- Those who aren’t as skilled at typing or reading may find themselves having some issues. One of the things that brings me out of trace the fastest is having to wait for too long - this is a major disadvantage for tists who are slow typists. ^^”

This problem does present more of a difficulty to get past than some, but I do have some suggestions to try. One thing I’ve done (and that can also be useful if internet flickers and having ‘buffering time’ so to speak, for ANY medium that uses the internet) is to account for that at the beginning with something like “If there is quiet for a moment, you’ll find yourself quietly rereading the last few lines you’ve received, each line you read helping to keep you calm and keep you deep.” or “Any time there is a pause in the words you read for more than a few seconds, you’ll find yourself focusing on [some spot on the screen].’ Specifically on discord, the ‘someone is typing’ message can be useful as a focus anchor.

I don’t approve of copy/paste text hypno in the most part, but perhaps if speedy typing is not something you’re good at, and if it’s a basic induction, AND if you tell your subject what you’re doing, then I could see using it to help make up for slower typing. It’s often easier to keep someone in trance with slower typing than it is to take them down in the first place. You could also possibly give them a written induction file to basically prime the pump. The key is to talk to the subject and find out which, if any of these options are potentially usable. (Also make sure you write your own induction, don’t just copy someone else script.) I would suggest being ready to throw in some in the moment typed lines as well, reacting to things the subject may say. Be ready to improv a little.

- This is more of a problem with manipulative, bad tists than with text hypnosis specifically, but a written record could be used against you (in the same way that someone could secretly record you in the other ways and then use them against you). Be very careful about what information you share with people, basic internet safety stuff, okay?

Also watch out for if someone edits or deletes that record in an attempt to gaslight you or mess with you. If that’s a concern, you can make backup copies of sessions to keep on your computer so you always have the original to consult. Most chat programs that allow editing will also indicate that the original has been edited, so that can also help.

And finally, a few tips and tricks I’ve picked up, basically things I’ve found fun to do, from either side. X3

Assorted Tips and Tricks

- Text is AMAZING for teasing. I am actually known and am infamous for my teasing (there is a server where I helped contribute to a week of so much teasing in general chat that they designated a separate channel for heavy teasing. x3) - I started dabbling in teasing for weeks before I actually tried my hand at any actual hypnosis. (Teasing is wonderful in voice, too, but I have noticed sometimes if someone is chatting normally, then suddenly throws out something teasing, it can be easy to miss it among the normal chat. It’s much harder to miss when it’s in text, especially if accompanied with an emote. ;3)

In text you can also leave teasing messages for someone to see later, maybe after they’ve gone to sleep, or while they’re playing games, or distracted in voice chat somewhere. Like a fun little trap they spring later, and you get a lovely ‘hfouiwenfkwje!!’ later. x3

It’s also fun to have ‘in jokes’, so to speak, and to slyly slip those words and phrases in with normal talking, and get people flustering that way. (For instance, if you use a certain kind of imagery to drop someone, like balloons, and then find ways to slide balloon references into your typing to remind a subject of that session.)

- Group hypnosis is a lot of fun - there’s a few places I’m in that have text channels that allow open hypno, and slyly twisting around the conversation and playing with words until you catch a bunch of people and set them drifting is fuuuun.

It’s also sometimes easier than in voice, because either you have everyone mute and you feel like you’re talking into a void, or you have a chaos of overlapping voices. In a group text session, you can often begin with something like ‘the more you see others type the same kind of responses you do, the more the phrases affect you.’ I have seen cases where you have almost group mantras going on, and the people involved said seeing the others typing definitely added to the experience.

- If you DO have an opportunity to do voice at least once, or once in a while, you can make use of that to add to your text hypnosis - I have some people I have done BOTH with, and they said that they were pretty quickly able to ‘hear’ my voice in my typed words - I actually try very hard to match my written style to my talking style for that very reason. :)

I also have a few emotes that apparently really resemble expressions I’ve done in video before, and I can make use of those emotes to evoke memories of those expressions, and things I’ve done while grinning just THAT way~ ;3

Conclusion

So!

Almost a month after I started and many pages later I am done with what was supposed to be a quick little writeup of ‘things I tend to tell people when text hypnosis comes up’, and knowing me I will continue to edit and add to this as I think of new things.

However! It is done for now, and I hope my rambling was useful as well as entertaining. :3

I am more than glad to expand upon anything I’ve written, my DMs are open for questions or you can track me down in a discord server and ask there, I’m in a few different ones. ^-^

[squidwardsarmpit]

Dear C. 🌹

How are you? Are you okay? Are you eating and drinking enough? I hope you are doing well. I miss you very much.

I have been doing some things since going No Contact with you. I went to hypnosis for the first time. I think it can help me getting to know my traumas and fighting them, accept them. Learning how to live with them.

Also I did yoga for the first time. It was very hard and I sweat a lot. But it did feel good and I was so proud of me. I even got emotional at the end of the session, but my teacher said that can happen. Everyone were so nice. I think I want to continue doing yoga. It helped me clear my thoughts.

Also I did my first crochet. Its not perfect, its a little flower and some petals werent as neat as the others. But it was the first thing that I finished with crochet. I know I wont give up yet. I will someday make cute things with crochet!

Someday I wanna show you the new me. The better me. A better version, who is more confident and strong minded. I cant wait for this day. I hope you are growing aswell.

I miss talking to you. Spending time with you. But I know now that the break up was necessary. It made me realize that I cant go on like this in life. I have to change. To grow, to love myself first before loving you.

I know someday we will meet again.

Love, M. 🥀

[mistabullets]

can i please request a scenario? 🥺 i was thinking of something like 18-21 y/o kakyoin who gets a new, attractive older neighbor and he just keeps looking for excuses to be around her? (and then m a y b e she repays him for all his help?)

ok guess i’ll heard y’all loud and clear! have your milf hunter kakyoin :3

NOTE: all characters are aged up! cw includes age gap (think 5+ years tho), fem pronouns, afab reader, alcohol mention, drinking, eating out, fingering, vaginal sex, drunk sex, praising

Not SFW under cut ;

“Good grief, why are you always trying to get with old hags?” Jotaro questioned.

When Kakyoin first laid eyes on you, his new neighbor, discussing with the landlord about the terms and agreement, he was instantly captivated by your beauty. The redhead boy was eyeing you from outside his balcony, enjoying the pleasant spring afternoon and the view you had to offer. He noticed the way you batted your lashes and how well the red lipstick suited your plump lips. The dress you had been wearing that particular day showed off the swell of your ass along with a slight cleavage, a promising view of your bigger breasts. You had certainly made his day and you didn’t even know it.

**

Two weeks later, Kakyoin notices you were finally moving into the empty apartment right next to his. With no lewd intentions behind his generous offer, he introduces himself as your next-door neighbor and offers to carry some of the heavier boxes, up and down the stairs. You are truly relieved since had some slight aches and pains already from preparing and packing up for your new home all by yourself. The two of you begin unloading the rental truck, which took about a good hour or two. Not that the younger man minds, since each time he trailed behind you, ascending the stairs, he has a great view of your butt. The sway of your hips is almost similar to the swing of a pendulum, spellbinding, to the point he has to control his gaze and not be caught in hypnosis.

Finally, the work is all done and boxes are settled in corners, furniture in their designated spots. You decide to order some pizza and share with Kakyoin, as thanks for all his hard work, despite just having met today. You get to know your new neighbor and friend during dinner; he’s a college student who had explored a lot as a teenager, having seen most of the world. Now, he and his best friend of four years, Jotaro, are studying at the local university; he’s currently in his junior year and halfway through in receiving a bachelor’s in Game Design. You’re impressed by his passion, saying he must be smart to be able to learn the complicated knowledge of technology and the dedicated art skill needed for video games. And Kakyoin learns a bit about you as well. Apparently, you moved because of a recent job offer, already had a degree under your belt, and you were seven years his senior. You had even been married at one point but divorced the scum over half a year ago! The younger man is surprised when he realizes you are close to hitting your thirties, believing you were at least in your early to mid-twenties. You take it as a compliment though, lucky that you have no grey hair yet to appear, despite the stress that had accumulated.

Over the next few weeks, Kakyoin helps you settle into your home. He gives you directions to wherever you need to go, helps you unpack a variety of clothes, cooking utensils, shower curtains, the bed frame, and even more furniture. The man is even kind enough to help with laundry and help set up the new computer that you had purchased recently. In return, you begin cooking meals for your young neighbor and his roommate. You have tried to offer him some money before but he always declines it, saying it was just him lending a helping hand to someone who needs it. What a sweet boy, I wish my ex would have been so kind like him, you would think to yourself.

**

Eventually, the two of you became close friends. You would invite him over for drinks and dinner after work. Sometimes, Jotaro would be there too, but he had no interest in hanging out with older women, always muttering “good grief” when you would burst into a fit of laughter after the redhead would tell a cheesy joke.

Tonight is a repeat of that.

You let out a snort, doubling over, “O-Oh geez, that’s a good one, Kak-kun!”

It is you, Kakyoin, and Jotaro playing a new game on the Nintendo 64. However, alcohol is in the mix, and both you and the redhead man are a bit too tipsy. Jotaro, annoyed by his friends’ antics, leaves the party of three, saying he has to get up early in the morning. Jotaro wonders if it is a good idea to depart, knowing his friend has a huge crush on you and it could lead to something messy. But he concludes, after interacting with you for the past month, there’s always a glint in your eyes when Kakyoin is around. Jotaro’s curious to see where it would eventually lead to. He utters a simple bye before telling his roommate he will leave the door unlocked if anyone needs him.

The soft click of the door closing indicates the party of three just turned into a party of two. Now, it is just you and Kakyoin now, still giggling over whatever nonsense had you howling. Once you manage to gain a semblance of composure, you tell the redhead that you want to watch a new movie you had bought recently. You toss the box at him, to see the cover. The man is intrigued after reading the back of the VHS box. After stating his interest, he slips the cassette into the player. After making some adjustments to the TV settings and pressing the button to play the movie, Kakyoin curls up right beside you on the couch. For right now, his attention is on the television screen, anticipating the horror sequences for Silence of the Lambs. But after about halfway into the movie, he notices how with each jump scare or the buildup of a scene, you would scoot yourself, as if seeking some sort of protection. Eventually, the boy, with warm drunken courage, lazily wraps one of his arms around your frame, holding you tight when the suspension broke within each scene.

**

As the credits rolls, you look up at your fellow movie-goer, slightly less intoxicated and realize his hand had slipped down to your waist during the course of the movie. An idea comes forth from the remainder of your inebriated and primitive mind, eyeing the young man beside you. You register, that you like Kakyoin a lot more than you originally thought. He’s mature for his age, super smart, and you bet he had some youthful vigor to him, right? With a stupid yet dazzlingly grin spreading across your delicious lips, you reach out to touch one of Kakyoin’s cheeks, rubbing it tenderly, a heated blush already radiating.

“Y-Y/N? What is it?” he asks, slight confusion in his voice. He always assumed you were into older men, or at least someone your age.

With drunken stupor, you giggle, “Oh nothing Kak, just realized how cute you are… like, really cute.”

You could feel the blush burn the palm of your hand even more, “Oh, really now?” the boy prods, his lush thoughts spiking a nerve in him, finding a renowned boldness.

“Yeah, I… I don’t know, just kind of wanna kiss you. Would that be okay?” now you are flushing as you took note of how Kakyoin’s lavender orbs scan your body and the position you are currently in. The faint scent of beer from your breath tickles his nostrils and he finally sees just how inviting your pretty lips are, even without the lipstick applied on. Your eyes long from him, even in the darkness with the faint glow of the menu screen. Without any more hesitation, he seals you in an experimental kiss. You gasp into his mouth but soon welcome the taste of fermented booze and cherry-flavored chap-stick. Soon, his tongue slips into your mouth and he tastes even more of you; it is more intoxicating than the beer the both of you shared earlier. After a minute or two of this developing make-out session, his soft lips peels away from yours; both of you need to catch your breath, to process what was going on. But you could sense both of you wanted more, by how flushed your cheeks are and the lust dancing in his pupils. You decide to make the next move, being the more experienced one, by straddling his lap. You lock lips again.

One thing leads to another. Eventually, the redhead underneath you unbuttons your blouse, throwing it into some forgotten corner of your living room. Kisses and loves bites are littered on the side of your neck, down to your left breast. Wanting more of his touch, you reach from behind and unhook the bra hook, revealing your ample tits. Kakyoin allows himself a moment to admire the softness, how bouncy they look, and how delicious your nipples look. Experimentally, he reaches for one breast while he leans in and gives the unattended nipple a lick. You grab a hold of both shoulders as Kakyoin stops being experimental and more precise with technique. What was the last time you felt this good? And god, you feel your panties are already soaked as the young man pinches your hardening buds. “O-Oh god, Kak-kun, y-yes, good boy, you’re doing such a good job~”

Encouraged, the boy slides one of his hand from your chest, slithering his warm digits against your belly until he reaches your groin and the hem of your pants. He reaches further down, slipping his hand into your jeans and feeling to lacy undergarments you are wearing. You edge him to go further, wanting to feel his thick fingers inside of you already. “Right there, Kak~” you plead, as the boy peppers kisses into your neck and shoulder. He happily fulfills your request, exploring southward, passing your trimmed bush before being invited by the welcoming slit of your wet pussy. However, Kakyoin has an even better idea. Without warning, he grabs you by the waist and gently throws you onto the couch. Now he’s on top of you, gaining control.

You elicit a gasp, slightly taken aback by his boldness, “Oh my, Kakyoin…”He pulls down your jeans along with your panties, and now you’re fully naked before the younger man as he drinks in the sight of your sexy figure. He reaches for the hem of his shirt and throws it off. You can’t help but also admire the defined muscles of his abdomen, the heave of his chest from all the excitement, and the bulge growing more prominent with each passing moment. Your focus is turned back to Kakyoin, as he opens up your legs and nestles into the apex of your thighs. “Please, Y/N, call me Noriaki,” he says before dipping his face to your sex, spreading apart your pussy to reveal your glistening pussy and your needy clit. He admires it for a moment, before his tongue curiously laps over your exposed entrance, the tip of it probing at your sensitive nub. Instinctively, you reach to grab a hand fist full of crimson locks, particularly his side bang. “Noriaki, r-right there… lick my clit again, please…!”

And after a few more licks, he finally gets the hang of it all, your voice guidance to how to properly eat out a woman. Your ex would rarely go down on you despite how often he would demand blowjobs… and when he did go down, he would complain about how you needed to look good and clean yourself up. However, Kakyoin is obsessed with the musky, feminine scent of you and drinks your juices like a man who hasn’t had water in days. While he’s not exactly experienced compared to Jotaro, his eagerness to please makes up for it. He rests one hand on your inner thigh while he decides to further tease your entrance. He index and middle finger presses up against your core and sinks in. You let out a moan, not prepared for the intrusion but once they are adjusted, buried to the hilt, you begin to welcome the sturdy digits inside of you. And Kakyoin enjoys the wet warmth swallowing up his fingers, the velvety walls of your cunt hugging him tightly. Gently, he begins to scissor and curls the two fingers inside you, until he finds that one sweet spot that makes your back arch and you release a needy cry. Making a mental note to himself, he pumps his finger in and out of you while his lips suck at your clit. You scream his name, “N-Noriaki! O-Oh fuck, if you, nngh! K-Keep that up– I-I’ll cum!”

He gasps for air, but still relentlessly finger fucking your insides, “Then please, do cum for me, Y/N!”

And keep it up he does, eyeing your body and watching with satisfaction as you squirm and buck yourself into him; you want more of his mouth on your pink pearl and more of his thick fingers inside of you. Thinking you can handle it, Noriaki adds a third finger and continues his ministrations, wanting to bring you to your first climax of the evening. The pad of his fingers hits your g-spot one more time and coil in your abdomen uncurls, washing you with a wave of pleasure and your eyes rolling to the back of your head. After your orgasm settles down and you’re down gushing out your juice, the boy underneath you gently pulls out his fingers, admiring the slick wetness before popping it into his mouth. He can’t help it, you just taste so, so sweet to him. You relish in the afterglow of your climax before remember how hard your new lover must be.

Catching him off guard, you tackle the younger man back on the bed and start to unbuckle his belt. You then proceed to unzip his pants, pulling it and his boxer (with cherries on them of course) down to his ankles. You take a moment to examine his manhood, the length being long and having a decent amount of girth to it. You think the red tip is cute, matching hair color. While it looks appetizing, you want to get to the main course. Not wasting any more time, you mount your lover and begin to tease his dick, already leaking with precum. Kakyoin takes the time to appreciate your palpable body and how it radiates your lustful intentions. Your hair is already a mess, (e/c) eyes are wanting, and your shoulders and checks a subtle shade of red. He grabs your hips and helps you as you start to align your molten core with his bold erection, now slicker with your lewd fluids. Slowly, you begin to sink down, the tip of Kakyoin’s cock already filling you up. His nails bite into your waist, leaving crescent shape scars while his dick is buried to a hilt. “G-God, (Y/N), you feel absolutely amazing around me, p-please, I want more of your pussy–”

“N-Nori– mm, god, yes, I’ll fuck you, I-I want to thank you, oh god, you’re so big–” you babble, as you begin bouncing on him, taking control and placing your hands on his chest. You lean down for another passionate kiss, riding him until exhaustion before he takes the lead. Both of you go at it for hours…

Meanwhile, Jotaro can hear all of this. The walls are very thin but at least, so it seems, that the both of you are having fun. But it’s still annoying and your lewd noises will definitely wake up the cranky neighbors. “Yare yare daze,” the black-haired man groans to himself, rummaging through his drawer until he finds his handy dandy Walkman with his headphones already attached. He slips them on and presses the play button, blocking out the sultry moans and godawful dirty talks the both of you converse in. Finally, he can study in peace. He goes back to his desk and returns to his research for his marine zoology class. 

[theschizoidblog]

Loneliness and Solitude

Blog 2: 14/06/2020

After nearly a month, I’ve returned with another blog post.

I’ve had a few interesting therapy sessions in the meanwhile. It turns out I’ve also got severe depression along with my schizoid personality disorder. Next session we’re starting with EMDR – which is eh… something I don’t fully understand myself - yet. I’ll gladly talk more about it once I have a better idea of what it actually does. It sounds a little bit like hypnosis, but not fully, and it would probably be considered an insult to the practitioner to label it as hypnosis. I might write about it in an upcoming blog post.

But for today, I’d prefer to stick to a topic I understand better. Solitude. Loneliness. The two are not the same for many schizoids.

The shortest way in which I can put it, is to say that many schizoids don’t experience loneliness when they’re alone. But they might feel it when they’re in a group.

Let me elaborate.

The definition of Loneliness according to Google, might already offer some insight:

Loneliness; sadness because one has no friends or company.

You often hear loneliness described in old people. They’re in a home, they get no visitors, and they are lonely. Or people who lose their partners then die of loneliness because suddenly they are physically alone and cannot bear it. They ache in the absence of others.

For the majority of people, being the only person in a house could trigger feelings of loneliness. With covid-19, many people that were in lockdown also felt terribly alone because they could not see their colleagues or visit random friends whenever they wanted to. They complained about the loneliness and lost productivity and some parts of their sanity as a result.

During the lockdown, I felt better than I had in a very long time. Not seeing friends or family gave me an energy boost. Then the lockdown restrictions were slowly lifted, I got to visit family again, got to see colleagues again, and the energy boost is gone again.

My brain is perfectly content being alone for weeks in a row. I do not experience loneliness when I’m at home. I do not cry myself to sleep at night because I feel lonely. I do not long for companionship or make plans to invite friends the moment I can – far from it. I didn’t do that before Corona so why would I do it now?

Yet the concept of loneliness is not alien to me, nor is the feeling.

I have felt overwhelmingly lonely at festivals and parties, in the midst of both strangers and friends. And if the definition is “sadness because one has no friends or company”, it is not fully true. Because at parties we might be among our friends. But maybe we can’t talk to them. Maybe the music is too loud. Maybe they’re distracted by other things and you’re just a wallflower that doesn’t get any attention in that moment. Maybe they’re drinking or doing dumb stuff you can’t relate to. Maybe you’re questioning why they are even your friends in the first place. Maybe they aren’t doing anything wrong at all but you still feel like the odd one out.

Even that can be the moment we feel like we are without company, even if the company is standing 3 feet away.

Maybe whatever makes people feel connected to others, isn’t working 100% the way it works for other people in us schizoids.

Where does it come from?

Why do we enjoy solitude? Why don’t we feel lonely?

I can only make an educated guess that our childhood trauma and probable emotional neglect have taught us to rely on ourselves from a terribly young age.

If you look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, you see that Psychological needs, in the middle of his pyramid, are described as “Belongingness and love” – but I don’t think we are very likely to reach that stage. We are stuck at the bottom two layers of the pyramid. Maybe our physiological needs and safety needs are met, but that’s only the case for us privileged schizoids who have a place to live. In the homeless population in New York, they discovered there were way more schizoids than is the norm. To those people, even the bottom of the pyramid isn’t met.

But even the privileged schizoids like you and me, who are able to read this blogpost, probably will have trouble feeling like their psychological needs can be met or are being met. Or maybe you can “think” they are being met, as in “I have family and friends”, but you don’t feel it. As in: you don’t feel the love or intimacy that comes with those relationships. You cognitively know it’s there and you can acknowledge it, but feeling their love is harder, as is feeling your own love for them.

If you have feelings of love, they’re likely to be hidden so deeply within yourself you don’t feel it at all.

In a way, we are “the walking dead” – sure, we’re still walking around and we’re not completely falling apart, but what are we truly feeling anyway? Don’t ask us, we’re not sure if we’re not feeling anything at all or if we’re burying it deep inside. (And then usually it erupts in bursts of anger or incessant tears of sadness.)

As a result, I think we don’t experience loneliness a lot because we’re cut off from our own emotions most of the times anyway. And being alone is one of the only comforts we have in a cold and uncaring world. To us, it’s great. It’s safe. It’s secure. And we like feeling safe and secure.

Stopping traditions

I used to love going to a pagan festival in the Netherlands. It was a rather quiet festival, with nice food and people who were dressed up and not giving a fuck about anything, and there was nice (not too loud) music and it was a welcoming place to all. I travelled there once a year, for about ten years in a row, and had some friends at the festival who I only saw on Facebook during the other months, and I would listen to bands, browse the stalls, even sometimes dance and eat so much of the good food there.

I knew a lot of people there. Not intimately, but enough to know their names and recognize their faces and know which ones were fans of which bands and music. Enough to have a stop and chat when I saw them.

But the final time I went, I wasn’t in a great mindset in the first place, and I went there and I tried to look for some of the people I knew, but I saw none, just strangers. The festival had been growing exponentially and with the influx of visitors and the commercialization of the event also came the side effect that many old folks no longer went – and that it was harder to find those who did in the crowd. Even the bands had changed.

I couldn’t find a friend (and she was also not really into meeting me first thing in the morning, she was content bumping into me later in the afternoon), and I was sulking and feeling like an alien in a place that I had considered home for so many years. Suddenly I felt like the stranger and the outcast, and I was not in the mood to mingle with new folks. There were too many, it was too loud, the crowd was too much. (And yes, I’m aware it was probably a mild anxiety attack that was making that feeling worse.)

I did see some friends later on and spoke to them, but it all felt terribly hollow and I stopped going afterwards. I did feel very lonely that weekend, even among my friends and acquaintances of the event, and I just wanted to go home and never return.

That event was like Christmas to me, something I looked forward to all year, but I just felt like “Fuck it, I don’t care if it’s tradition, I don’t want to do this ever again, it’s not worth it.” I haven’t gone in years now. I wouldn’t go again now, I don’t think it’s gotten better.

At family gatherings I might also look at the people there like I’m the alien looking in, and feel like I have no one to talk to or connect to. I feel like I’m constantly engaging in conversations on other people’s terms, about their topics of interest, not about mine, and I’m listening to them, but they’re not listening to me. They might ask me questions, but only about things I don’t want to talk to them about. Everything feels cringe. It’s terribly lonely when you feel like you’re speaking a language no one understands or is interested in learning, and when you’re expected to respond to people on command, like a dog forced to do tricks no one is even giving him a reward for.

So naturally, I have also stopped attending family gatherings. No one there is like me, it’s draining, and I gain absolutely nothing from it, except the feeling of loneliness among your own kin. It’s not a charming feeling.

Then what’s left?

I can enjoy crowds at conventions, since these people usually skip small talk and would prefer talking about geeky stuff that I enjoy as well, so I hardly ever feel lonely there. Some of the folks there have interesting brains to pick and there are usually activities (watching Q&A panels or gaming) that you can do alone.

I do not feel lonely among my colleagues on the work floor. I like it there. I like my colleagues. I can even go for a drink with them sometimes. However, I would not enjoy going to a party with them, where there are strangers. Then suddenly I’d feel like the alien again and I’d just want to go home. (Mind you, at first I was just neutral about being there and it took years to develop into a like.) (But now with covid-19 I don’t mind if I don’t have to see them until 2021 when a vaccine is found.)

Put a schizoid in a house alone, and we enjoy our own company. There won’t be feelings of loneliness there, but put us in a crowd, and you’re more likely to cause sadness in our hearts because we feel out of place and out of touch.

And many schizoids don’t even want to belong to particular crowds of people. It’s not a direct wish to be included in the particular group we are beholding. Take any group you can think of, we might see them and think “hell no I don’t want to be a part of that” and simultaneously think “they do seem happy though, I wish I could be as content”. But faking it is draining, and not rewarding at all with the wrong crowd of people, so you won’t see us try to mingle in such cases. (And practically everyone is “the wrong crowd of people” – we aren’t generally very trusting of strangers.)

The idea of a group of like-minded people that you can trust and have fun with, who really see you as you are, is alluring though. But most of us have given up on dreaming such groups exist for us. Some schizoids might have hope that they will encounter such groups to belong to, but have to be content with just being allowed to “exist” as part of a group. I don’t think it will be easy to feel full elation or full grief along the other members in the group, and thus we might feel a need to fake it or to just blend in. In doing so, we are, perhaps only subconsciously, also reminding ourselves we were never truly part of the group in the first place, since we do not fully fit into the collective. And thus our souls will feel alienated even more.

True connection with other people is rare.

I’d like to believe it’s not impossible though. There are schizoids who have found love and have long-term partners. So I’d like to believe there is still a possibility for true connection out there. We can be fiercely loyal to those who we deem worthy, but we can also be easily hurt if that person decides to break our trust.

I think those schizoids that don’t struggle with loneliness are also the ones that have accepted that love and connection is probably not going to work out for them in the long run. Why hope for an impossible dream when it’s more comfortable to just enjoy your own company and try to be content with that?

I won’t make a declaration on whether it is healthy or not to think that way. That’s up to a psychologist to decide.

But in my opinion, being able to be alone is an undervalued skill in modern day society. Especially in these covid-19 times when you see people go nuts when they can’t be alone for a day. So don’t let anyone make you feel bad for being different in that way, and for enjoying solitude.

Maybe we have this skill because we have been broken before, but the skill of comfortable solitude in itself is an asset, not a curse. And even when we are ‘fixed’ by therapy, it is still a skill we can rely on for the rest of our lives.

And as a final note to today’s blog post, allow me to add a very cheesy song as a recommendation in the same theme. From the soundtrack of the Phantom of the Opera movie, Learn to be Lonely, or as someone in the comment section on youtube said: “Ah, the anthem of the emotionally neglected child.”

[lucastheunlucky]

Along this Dark Road | Lynn, Lucas, Miles

Summary: Regan had suggested Luke to see Dr. Edwards. Luke after some time finally agreed and scheduled an appointment. Luke asked MIles to be present so he could hear it and to make sure he didn’t lose control. Lynn helps Luke navigate into what is actually happening in those dark spots to his memory, and with it they get a piece of vital information about the man who captures him. Lynn further offers to pull a contact for the brothers, and they are one step closer to figuring out a name. @ofmyownpack; @phobiasarefood

Set up: Monday was here, and Lucas only felt dread. All week, he had put on airs that he was fine and could handle this, but he was straight up lying. He’s thrown up a few times today, and sweat already marked his brow from nerves. His hands were freezing, and even though it wasn’t that cold, he had on two jackets. But through this suffering, there was this part of him that was hoping he could just remember this hunter’s face. Any detail beyond the blurriness could help Miles figure out who it was, because from there, they could learn which family it was, and what they actually wanted with him. He yawned, exhausted, as they walked up to the building, and walked inside. “It’s only an hour session, I hope she can help us in one sitting. I don’t want to come back here. Maybe, if it goes longer, we can just pay her for more time?” he asked Miles. 

Miles had debated this in his head back and forth ever since Lucas had first mentioned it to him. He was scared, but he figured none of his fears were anything in comparison to Luke's, so he'd go with whatever Lucas decided. His desire to protect him raged like an inferno, but he had to let Lucas make his own choices. Those had been taken from him for far too long. "We'll do whatever we have to. I'll be right there with you."

Lynn finished up a few notes and glanced at the clock, seeing that it was just about time for her first session with a new client. Lucas wasn’t the first client to reach out requesting help in recovering a buried memory, but he was the first to ask that someone else be present as well. It had taken a bit of thought for her to figure out exactly how she would make it work. In reality only Lucas needed to be hypnotized. His brother would just be there to assist with any details needed. Of course that meant the possibility of feeding was strictly out of the question. Thankfully she’d had a decent meal a couple of days before and was still doing just fine. Heading out into the waiting room, Lynn found two young men who she assumed were her client and his brother. “Hi! Lucas? I’m Lynn. It’s great to meet you. We can head on back if you’re ready?”

“Hello, okay,” Lucas greeted, taking in the office and on instinct making sure no one else was around that he didn’t see. It seemed like it was only them. The place was nice in a welcoming way, but Lucas wouldn’t entirely know any different, never finding it in him to attempt something like this. This seemed like a bad idea, and as he walked into the main part of the office his hands were clenched extremely tight. He on habit glanced once over his shoulder at Miles and for the briefest second he was surprised to see him there-- so used to not having him these last four years, his eyes widened like he had totally forgotten. Idiot, you’re not alone for once. He sat down, his mind drifting already into a haze he was struggling to hide. “So, I don’t know what we are doing. But, I really have to be honest. I probably won’t make it. I’ll pay you for your full time either way of course. Just, I need you to trust my brother,” He glanced over at Miles again. “I know it’s probably weird having another person here, but I need him.”

Miles did his best to remain calm and collected so Lucas could do the same. He kept telling himself he was there for moral support, nothing more, but after four years of Lucas being gone, his protective instincts were in overdrive. He was quiet and supportive, but introduced himself. “I’m Miles, his big brother. I’ll try and stay out of your way.” He gave Lucas a little clap on the back of the shoulder. “You’re fine, bud. You got this.” 

Nodding her head in greeting, Lynn smiled at Miles and Lucas. “It’s a pleasure to meet you both.” She took a seat in her chair and gestured for them to take the others available, noting the reassuring hand on Lucas’ shoulder as well as the verbal affirmation. The relationship reminded her a bit of the one she had with her own brothers. Or used to have at least. They might have been menaces toward her, but if anyone else gave her any trouble, they were right there to protect her. She wondered if they would still do that even with her time away from the church. Pulling her mind back to the moment, Lynn looked over as Lucas spoke and nodded. “I have to admit it is a little unorthodox, but I’m sure we can find a way to make it work for us. So you mentioned that you were looking to figure out something that happened to you as a teenager. Could you elaborate on that? Try to give as many details as possible as it will help the process.”

“Okay,” the ache in Lucas’ chest throbbed, and crawled up his throat. “I'm trying to remember the face of this one person. He has--” his hands clenched into his knees. Anger was a surprising emotion, it swirled within his belly warmly, making his cheeks almost flush gently. He hated this man so much, but felt so fucking powerless. “He’s tortured me.” He just said it, gritting his teeth together with the faintest of snarls. “He’s captured me three times now.” He exhaled, feeling like every sentence was a knife to his gut. “And let me go-- after. I can’t remember his face. I need to, the smallest detail. Anything, so we can give it to the authorities.” At that mention his eyes made contact with Miles as if saying instead, so we can find him ourselves. “My brother might have seen him before and not realized it too. I’m just hoping together, maybe we can piece some detail together.” 

This wasn't about him, Miles kept telling himself, so any worries he had, he should keep them to himself. Lynn seemed nice enough. She was here to help, right? Best he could do was just let her do her thing. Miles thanked Lynn again and took a seat, letting Lucas do the talking. The two of them had discussed these things since Luke had come home, but he always wanted Luke to know he was listening, that he was here for him. “It’s okay,” he said, reassuring Lucas again. “You’re home now. You’re safe.” 

Whatever Lynn had been expecting Lucas to say, it certainly wasn’t that. She forced her facial features to remain calm and relaxed, trying not to show any outward reaction that might scare the men off. Lucas was already clearly under a lot of stress just by being here. “I can certainly try to help with that. Prior to being captured do you remember feeling as though you were being followed? Or that someone was keeping an eye on you? It is definitely possible that either of you might have seen him before he actually took you.”

Lucas didn't want to scratch that old memory. He was mad that day, frustrated after an argument with his dad over college. Lost in thought, Luke tried to navigate the darkness which plagued that part of his life. The screams racked down his spine, the gunfire silencing them. "Miles," he paused. "When I was seventeen-- remember when I ran away from home for a few days cause dad and I fought. I think-- heh," he laughed the faintest, insane sound, and felt bile in his throat. "Did he drop me off at the house?" he whispered to himself, "just dropped me off-- I was in the back seat. I didn't even know what was happening..." His eyes darted to Miles. "Were you home that day? Did you see that car?" Was it a cop car like I thought? Is this guy a cop?!

This whole conversation was making Miles’ skin crawl. His heart hammered in his chest and he felt the wolf in him growling, as if begging to get out and get his paws on this asshole. Miles quieted it though, gripping the edges of the armchair and trying not to look like he was ready to rip someone’s throat out. “I remember you left...” he answered, giving a reassuring nod. “I thought dad picked you up, but it was so long ago, maybe? Was I home?” He shook his head awkwardly. “Uh, might have to hypnotise me next, doc,” he joked halfheartedly. 

“So the first time you were taken was when you were seventeen?” Lynn held back a sigh. Neither of them were able to give her much information. In order to help bring the memory forward through hypnosis, she needed to know as much as they could tell her. The corner of her lips quirked up into a half-smile at Miles’ joke and she made a small note on her pad of paper. “You said it’s happened three times now. Tell me about the most recent time. As much information as you can. When you were taken. Where it happened. When and how you returned home. And if you can manage it, what happened while you were captured. Don’t necessarily focus on the details or what you can’t remember. Just tell me what you can remember.”

Lucas closed his eyes and felt himself want to leave, every instinct demanding him to walk out the door right away. He didn’t hold any ill thoughts towards Dr Edwards for her questions. It was reasonable and he was prepared for it, but it didn’t change the reaction in him. The awfulness that made his chest ache because he remembers feeling trapped and how his stomach clenched in disgust that he’s never stopped him. Lucas didn’t understand why he had this reaction, when he could fight hellhounds and other monsters with no fear. “I only remember parts of the pain. The smell of dirt and— his smile,” he opened his eyes. “It wasn’t like the other times. He wanted me to do something and I told him no and it was somehow worse. He just left. I— I don’t know how long I was there. I could have left, but I didn’t. I don’t know why I stayed. I don’t understand why I’m okay with him doing this to me… like I feel it. If he was here he— could just do whatever…”

Miles could feel that Lucas was already panicking. He wished he could reach out and hold his hand, tell him everything would be alright, even if he didn’t know that it would. He had to believe it would. He had to convince himself for both their sakes. Miles refused to let Lucas live in the darkness forever. He refused to let Lucas be a ghost of himself. “It’s not your fault. That’s what people like that do. They make you feel scared and powerless and compliant.” He looked to the doctor as if asking her to confirm his words. 

Lynn nodded in confirmation and gave them both a reassuring smile. “Your brother is right, Lucas. People like this person manipulate you into thinking you’re powerless to stop them. It’s not necessarily that you’re okay with him doing these things to you, but that you’re scared of what will happen if you try to fight him. And he knows that. Because he made sure you would be scared. It’s possible that you could have left. But it’s also entirely possible that he was waiting for you to try.” She could see that he was starting to panic and that wouldn’t help in the slightest. Shifting forward in her seat, she spoke in a calm, soothing tone. “Lucas, go ahead and close your eyes again. Take a deep breath in through your nose, slowly counting to four as you do, hold it for two counts, and then exhale through your mouth, again counting to four. Repeat that a few times. Feel free to reach out to your brother if you need to. He can be a grounding tether for you. When or if you feel ready, try to continue talking about what you remember.”

Of course Miles already had calm answers while he was slipping into a ditch, and the touch-- Lucas flinched from it beliefly when a sharp pain went through his heart. But he quickly reached out, not wanting his stupid reactions to cause him not to sink underground. He exhaled, and inhaled through his nose, trying to listen to the doctors heartbeat-- and follow hers. It didn’t work well, but Lucas also noticed the floating feeling his mind was dragging him towards and Lucas probably should have disclosed that he disassociated. Think. “The last time wasn’t-- it was last month. I forgot already--” How many times did he simply forget? Did he even know the number? Look up. Lucas felt terror shock his chest, but he looked up, and though no one was in this space the motion triggered a moment. One that filled in features with old, rough skin, and the gray furrowed eyes looking down and Lucas, his body leaned back as he looked at him-- and stopped existing presenting.

Miles did his best to just watch. He really did. He was supposed to just bite his tongue and let the doc do what she had to do. She seemed good at her job, at least in Miles’ limited understanding of whatever it entailed. Lucas needed answers, but at what cost? Miles could literally feel the panic in him. It was as if the room was filled with both ice and fire at the same time. His heartbeat was deafening to Miles’ ears.  “You’re okay buddy,” Miles encouraged. “Just focus, and try to relax.”

“Yes, Lucas. You're doing just fine," Lynn responded, trying to encourage Lucas to keep going. She didn't want him to feel like coming to see her was a complete waste of time. Even if his reactions were making it a bit difficult to really get through to the information he was seeking. "So the last time this happened was a month ago? Where were you when you were taken? What were you doing at that moment?" 

Lucas’ entire body was vibrating. Nerves shot, and him fighting just laying down and disappearing from everyone was draining. “I heard these two people screaming at each other, hitting, sounded like a couple fighting. Their windows were open, I could see them-- but, I heard someone pull up,” the voice wove in gently, like for a moment, it was going to be friendly, until he turned around and saw him. “It--” the details were so fuzzy, the edges removing the streets and hiding where he had been. Just this zeroing in on the man who always found him, even on mistake-- because his smile exposed surprise, and Lucas had internally died the second they met eyes. “He arrested me--” his brows wrinkled, “he cuffed me and everything, just put me in the back seat and drove off.” His shoulders slumped. “I just let him-- it’s so stupid. I--” another faint pause. “He took me home, to my new place, my hidden one--” his neck strained, and tears swelled and fell down his cheeks so he just dropped his head into his hands. Not realizing what he just said, or confirmed. “He already knew where I was hiding.”

Miles did his best to absorb all the information Lucas was offering. You never knew what could be important. "Arrested you?" Miles jumped in. The guy was a cop. Lucas had thought he might be. That explained how he knew what Miles had been doing, knew how to find out personal information about people, how he always managed to find out where Lucas had gone. The idea of his brother being arrested for no reason might have made Miles almost angrier than anything else. As a black man, he had his own reservations about those in law enforcement, even after working closely with them. 'Cop' was almost a dirty word in their community. There was a reason Miles hated being mistaken for one. "Can you remember anything else? Did he have a badge? Maybe a name on his uniform?"

Lucas looked up at his brother, realizing with widened, shocked eyes what he confirmed, though always hinted at, and it was like everything became so clear. How easy it was for him to hunt him down, no matter what he did, or how he went about it. Why no one ever cared or questioned if he was put in cuffs, or shoved in a car. “He did-- around his neck. It said Detective-- Miles. I remember the numbers--” What were they going to do? How could they possibly hunt down a cop and not draw attention? Not get arrested, charged for attacking, threatening-- doing anything. He looked almost frightened at Lynn. “Dr. Edwards, this is all confidential right? You can’t tell the police, okay? I might be wrong-- it’s not necessary to explain yet.”

Lynn listened closely as Lucas spoke, trying to pick up on anything that could help. As soon as she heard the words ‘arrested me’, Lynn knew this was going to be tougher than originally planned. If the man that kept abducting Lucas was an officer, it only made sense that Lucas would be more willing to go with him. He was an authoritative figure and was clearly using that to his advantage. Lynn nodded in response to Lucas’ questions. “That is mostly correct. While everything discussed between us is confidential, I am required to report any intent to do serious harm to yourself or others. I’m also required to respond to any court orders. So if you were involved in any kind of legal proceedings and your mental health was in question, the court would legally be allowed to bring me in to discuss our sessions.” She worried that would make him clam up and stop talking, but she felt it important to make sure he knew up front when she would be required to share his information without his permission. “Now, you said you remembered his badge number? I may have a contact that can get me a name. I don’t know for certain, but I’ll be sure not to tell them what it’s about or why I need the information.”

“3239,” he said quietly. Lucas wasn’t sure if any of this was a good idea, which was a normal baseline for him involving this man. A small voice told him ‘you just involved another person’ and after so much time, this hunter had always warned him about that. But he had to try right? “Okay, Dr. Edwards, I really--” he made to stand up, stumbling a little bit before scratching his neck in nerves. He took out the money she required and handed it to her gently. “I’ll try to be in touch,” he said, “Thank you for letting me come here. If you find out anything, you can tell Miles or me. Call us.” He made sure his number was with her, and left the office pretty shaken, and exhausted.  

“You did good, buddy. Go get some air, okay?” Miles continued to bury his anger in order to be there for Luke. The situation was complicated by the fact this man had ties to law enforcement, but they’d already suspected that to begin with. Now they had confirmation. Soon, they’d have a name. “Thanks again, Doc.” Miles stood up and shook her hand. He waited a moment after Luke had left the room. “I really appreciate what you did for him today. But I think he’s going to need more help down the road. I’ll talk to him about seeing you again.” He nodded. “We’ll be in touch.” 

[quillogirl]

My Beguiled weekend

So, launching a "new" conference is no joke. We managed to make it through the weekend without anyone losing an appendage, which, as I told an orientation group, was my threshold for success. We did have some hiccups. If you don't know, I'm not about to air our dirty laundry. Just know that the lessons provided will be learned from and we will improve.

I got to play with two fine people.Hypnomedia and Sean. One I had tranced before, and the other was someone reclaiming their hypnotic desires after a bad breakup. I love that they trusted me. That my reputation is such that people know I'm willing and able to be there for them.

I only got to receive one trance, but Captain_Hypno made it a really good one.

This was my first time presenting. I felt like Dominance for Newbies went fairly well. If I teach it again, I want to do a "dress rehearsal" with my co-presenter. We left a lot to chance. I feel like we got lucky it went so smoothly. I was also graciously allowed to add input to Aural Fixation with MindtheBaron. I'm sure to those who were attending that class, it felt like we had done it a million times before. But, in all honesty I had sat in on part of his presentation at the last Chicago hypnosis conference, and I had no conscious knowledge of what he was about to say. Since that worked so well, I think if he offers that class again at Beguiled, I will present with him (he's already agreed to this).

This was also my first year being a part of the ConCom. Y'all. This stuff is real. There's always SOMETHING that needs to be done or someone who needs a little extra help. it's one of those catch 22 things. I am thrilled that the conference went as well as it did, and I'm proud to have been a part of it. However, if we do not have a better outcome this next year, I will be seriously reconsidering whether or not I still want to be "in the room where it happens". Beguiled is the only conference that I can afford to attend because all the other conferences are so far away. So, even though I'm happy that I was able to be so helpful, my primary motivation is to be able to play and enjoy myself with my fellow hypnopeeps. Sue me for being selfish.

At the end of the day, seeing peoples scene logs and blogs that tell me that they had such an awesome time at the conference makes me feel like all of the effort and sacrifice was worth it. So, please keep posting those? I need the encouragement.

I almost forgot about one more awesome thing that happened. @sweettist and I did a dual induction Sunday night on her Toy. We played off each other very well, especially considering we haven't done anything as far as dual induction in person before. I *think* we did a session on a Discord server once...but I digress. Watching the Toy be pushed and pulled in their mind was delicious. And then @sweettist allowed me to install a new concept in the Toy's mind - the hall of all doors. I took the Toy on a mental trip to the MOMA, and had them step through the painting that they responded to which allowed me to seamlessly lead them right back to the place we had established as home base. It was a lot of fun, and I hope to be able to play alongside Sweet again in the future.

[missblanchette]

This Distance Between Us [1/1]

Series: Hypnosis Mic

Characters: Jinguji Jakurai/Kannonzaka Doppo; Appearances from Hifumi and Ramuda

Rating: PG

Summary: Day by day, Doppo learned that Jinguji Jakurai was more human than god.

Words: 11,287

Notes: Drowning tw in section iii. Implied self-harm tw in section iv. A JakuDoppo relationship study/Jakurai character study via Doppo’s POV! I wrote this before TDD Chapter 3 dropped, so that aspect of Jakurai’s character wasn’t taken into account though I tried to amend this fic as much as possible to include it. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy it~!

ko-fi // You can read this on AO3! Thank you all so much for reading!!

❤⃛ヾ(๑❛ ▿ ◠๑ )

i.

With the ban of violence and the rise of rap, the exploits of The Dirty Dawg had spread far and wide. Their voices had commanded the attention of Japan, claiming the land as their own and bringing all those who crossed their way to their knees. For a salary-man like Doppo, however, who was more concerned with his next paycheck than the territory battles, The Dirty Dawg's ascent to power had meant very little to him -- save for the genius doctor who used his hypnosis mic for healing instead of harm. Hifumi had introduced him to the famed ill-DOC with a shove of his phone into his face and a "Look, look, Doppo-chin! Check these guys out!". While The Dirty Dawg's voices harmonized powerfully and shook his core, ill-DOC's low baritone captured him instantly. If listening to him through video had been enough to soothe his fried nerves, Doppo wondered what listening to him live would’ve been like. He never got the opportunity during that era, though, for The Dirty Dawg fell as quickly as they rose.

That said, sometimes it was easy to forget that their reign ever happened.

The screen separating him and ill-DOC disappeared within a span of two years, a sales visit at Shinjuku Central Hospital leading to him becoming his patient. Over time, ill-DOC simply became known as Dr. Jinguji Jakurai to him: his physician, his leader, and (something he was still coming to terms with) his lover. On the day-to-day basis, Jakurai embodied the patience of a saint as he treated the sick and dealt with his and Hifumi's problems; with him and Hifumi as the rogues guarding Jakurai's side, they made up Matenrou, the pack of wolves who defied the cruelty of the world. For all they faced together, Doppo felt like he had a good sense of who Jakurai was -- a genius, a legend, a god. But staring at the photograph of Jakurai smiling along with Amemura Ramuda, Aohitsugi Samatoki, and Yamada Ichiro, Doppo came to realize that there wasn't a lot he actually knew about him.

"Do you need help, Doppo-kun?" Jakurai's voice echoed from the hallway.

Doppo startled and hit his head against the shelf, biting back a yelp as the box he'd picked up collapsed onto the ground again. He'd gone to Jakurai's closet to get a scarf for him since it would get cold later, but he knocked down a box on one of the shelves causing photographs and badges and other trinkets to scatter among the floor.

"Are you okay?" A hand rested on the small of Doppo's back, steadying him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snoop around. They all fell out and I was trying to pick them up --"

"There’s no need to worry about it," Jakurai said, rubbing his back. The soothing motion faltered, stilted and abrupt, when he caught sight of the photograph he held and Jakurai's azure eyes clouded over. "My, that's an old thing."

Without another word, he reached for it and Doppo handed it to him. He gripped it tightly, as if it were a letter bringing news of a loved one's death, and his lips pursed like reflecting upon an earlier disappointment -- a stark contrast to the radiant grin he wore as Amemura Ramuda pulled him into the group picture.

"You were cool back then," Doppo blurted out. When Jakurai's gaze snapped towards him, Doppo sputtered. "I mean, you're still cool now, but you and The Dirty Dawg made an amazing team."

Jakurai turned back to the photograph, expression unreadable.

"We were," he said, a hint of remorse in his tone. "But I believe Matenrou triumphs in every aspect."

"Do you miss them?" Eyes widening, Doppo slapped a hand to his mouth and bowed his head. "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer that if you don't want to."

"It's okay, Doppo-kun." His fingers carded through Doppo's hair, languidly and absentmindedly, though not once did his eyes leave the photo. "Thinking about it makes me rather nostalgic --" His lips twisted bitterly. "-- is all."

Silence followed, the ticking of the clock's hands serving as the sole reminder of time flowing on and on.

"Doc -- Jinguji-san," Doppo started, the less formal title still strange on his tongue. "I'm... here for you, if you ever want to talk about it?"

With one last stroke through his hair, Jakurai's hand fell to his shoulder and he patted him. The corners of his lips tugged up. "Thank you, Doppo-kun."

Though his words were kind, they stung regardless; gratitude he’d spoken, hiding a "no, I'd rather not" underneath. There were things Doppo wasn't privy to, certainly, and he would respect that -- yet, compared to all their sessions in the hospital where Doppo had complained about his life, had bared out his emotions, had burdened him with his anguish, Jakurai hardly spoke of his own. Was he so untrustworthy as a person -- as a lover -- that he couldn't share in those thoughts? Though maybe it was his fault for being so heartless and never asking about them in the first place.

"Let's clean this up and get going, shall we?" Jakurai asked before his self-doubts could turn tail to hell. His hand left his shoulder, leaving a chill in its place, and he crouched down to pick up the remnants of his fallen memories.

Shoving the remains of his negativity to the side, Doppo stared at the scene before joining him. Jakurai barely gave the scattered mementos a glance before placing them back in the box, away from sight and away from mind. Through the curtain of his lavender locks, Jakurai's azure irises dulled and his mouth curved downwards -- his face lost within seasons that Doppo couldn't recall.

With everything cleaned up, Jakurai tucked the box back into the darkness of the closet. His previous wistfulness swept away, he smiled at him with a composure much more akin to the Jakurai he'd come to know. Doppo forced himself to return it.

Jakurai had always seemed so far away, but in that moment, he felt unreachable.

ii.

Overtime might as well have been Doppo's regular work hours, considering how often he dipped into it. Always the last to leave, it was because of the coffee running through his body that he was able to catch the last train home. The note Hifumi left him was sweet as always, but as delicious as his dinner looked, Doppo could only manage a few bites before his eyes began to fail him. He barely even had the energy to shower or change his clothes before plopping into bed. Just as he sank into the mattress, he choked on his saliva when he remembered he'd forgotten to respond to Jakurai's message from earlier.

He quickly sent an affirmative for their plans this weekend and locked his phone, dropping it onto his chest while he waited for sleep to claim him. It wasn't long, though, before his phone buzzed and shook him awake. He squinted, the light far too bright though it was on its lowest setting, but he couldn't bring himself to be upset and he smiled at Jakurai's text.

Locking his phone again, Doppo leaned back into his pillow and sleep steadily settled in, but his eyes shot open and snapped towards the clock. 00:58. Much too late for Jakurai to be awake right now, let alone replying to him -- especially when both of them had work in the morning. Fingers fumbling, he opened his phone.

Doppo frowned. His fingers hovered above the keyboard, wanting to say something -- anything -- to comfort him but the words couldn't come. "I'm sorry," he wanted to say, but that wouldn't do any good to help him fall asleep; "that sucks," was his next thought but that came off as callous; "try some sleeping pills," maybe, but that sounded dismissive also. After all Jakurai had done to help him with his insomnia, he couldn't even say something back to him. What a terrible boyfriend he was, not being able to comfort him when he needed him --

A couple seconds passed before his next message.

Doppo read the texts over again. And again to make sure he was reading them correctly. And once more to be doubly sure. Then he rubbed his eyes and blinked rapidly to be certain he wasn't hallucinating. Nobody had ever asked him anything like that before; his voice was nothing special, after all, being dismal and weak among Shinjuku's white noise. "Are you serious?" he almost replied, but he was never one to deny Jakurai's requests. With jittery hands, he typed out a "Yeah, that's fine."

For something set on vibrate, his phone blared loudly in the quiet of his room. He almost dropped it, too shaky to get a grip and accept the call, but Doppo's nerves settled down as he heard Jakurai's soft breaths on the other end.

"Hi?" he said, unsure of himself.

"Hello, Doppo-kun." Tiredness seeped through Jakurai's greeting, fondness mixed in it. "How was your day? Is your manager still giving you grief?"

"Yeah, the same as usual..."

The conversation flowed on, reminiscent of their appointments in Jakurai's office but with a more casual air to it. Groans and sighs replaced Doppo's words, too exhausted to actually verbalize his feelings, whereas Jakurai hummed along to every utterance. Nevertheless, Doppo kept his complaints short and to the point because they'd gone through them plenty of times to write an entire anthology about his grievances. As their conversation fell into a lull, he directed the question back to him.

How strange it felt to be on the flip side of things, to be listening to Jakurai instead. Not that Doppo minded at all, taking in everything he said and holding onto it. In the still of night, Jakurai's speech blended together and he paused over his thoughts unlike the formalities and preciseness he spoke with during the daytime; but that didn't change anything about the softness in his voice as he told him of his day -- how his hair had gotten caught in the elevator doors, how one of the children he'd been attending to cried as he gave them an injection, how he'd heard that one of his patients had died.

Stuttering, Doppo offered his condolences as best he could and he could only imagine the sad curl of Jakurai's lips as he thanked him. His patient was an elderly one who suffered from heart pains on top of their insomnia, and Jakurai had been taking care of them ever since he started working at Shinjuku Central Hospital. Death was inevitable, Jakurai told him, but that didn't stop the regret that filled his tone.

They delved into lighter topics afterwards, carrying on like that until their voices lowered into whispers. Yet, neither of them made the move to end the call. Doppo didn't want to, either, no matter how much he yawned, no matter how much he slurred his sentences, no matter how much his eyes drooped...

"Rise and shine, Doppo-chin~ Oh, who's that?"

Eyelids weighing like iron, Doppo could hardly lift them without feeling like his eyeballs would combust into flames. To his right, a low rumble filled his ear like a windy day at Katase Beach. Something slammed down on his shoulder, eliciting a grunt from him, and hovered over his body. Squinting, he saw Hifumi looking at his phone with his mouth agape.

"Ooh, Dr. Jakurai. You guys have been talking for five hours?!"

Doppo's brows knitted together before remembering what happened last night. Never before had he jumped out of bed so fast.

"He's still on? Give that back --"

"Hi, Doc!" Hifumi said, putting the phone on speaker.

The rumble that'd been at his side echoed throughout his room before breaking into choppy breaths and then a loud snort. Hifumi giggled, lifting the phone higher into the air when Doppo reached for it.

"Wakey, wakey, Doc~"

"...Hi...fumi-kun...?" A long yawn came through, followed by a confused mumble. "I... oh dear. What time is it?"

"It's like six, but I bet it's easy to lose track when you and Doppo are having so much fun~"

Glaring, Doppo jumped up and snatched his phone back. Hifumi gave a cat-like smirk.

"Do --" A yawn. "Doppo-kun, my apologies. Did I keep you up?"

Turning speaker mode off, Doppo turned away. Hifumi pounced onto his back, ever persistent, and pressed his ear against the other side of the phone. Doppo couldn't muster up the strength to shove him off.

"No, it's all right, Jinguji-san. I fell asleep, too. I'm... I'm glad you were able to get some rest, though."

"It's thanks to you," Jakurai said. Hiufmi bounced excitedly behind him.

"It's nothing really..." He threw a look at Hifumi, but the tips of his ears grew warm.

"Of course it's something. We have not seen each other in a while, so I'm glad I was able to talk with you at least." Exhaustion dripped through as he spoke, but Doppo could hear the smile in his words.

Slapping his shoulders with the fervor of a hummingbird, Hifumi squealed. Doppo elbowed him and he finally backed off. He meant to say something else, but he saw the current hour -- 6:23 -- and blanched. Shit.

"I feel the same way, Jinguji-san, but, um, I'm sorry, I have to get ready for work now."

"Hm... oh? Oh." He stifled his yawn. "Yes, I suppose I should be getting ready as well," he said with an inkling of reluctance. "I hope you have a good day, Doppo-kun."

"You, too, Jinguji-san."

"Bye, Doc!"

Jakurai laughed. "Bye to you, too, Hifumi-kun."

Ending the call, Doppo spun around to see Hifumi grinning at him.

"Late night calls with Dr. Jakurai, hm~" Hifumi said, waggling his eyebrows.

"It's not a big deal." Averting his gaze, he rubbed the nape of his neck. "Jinguji-san was just having trouble sleeping."

"Aw, so you're like his medicine!"

Doppo's face reddened. "S-Shut up. Don't you have something else to do?"

A hand flying to his mouth, Hifumi gasped. "Breakfast!"

As Hifumi ran back to the kitchen, Doppo took a deep breath as he thought about the workload that awaited him -- another twelve-plus hours of labor, another twenty-four hours of mind-numbing stress. Though typically getting the bare minimum amount of sleep was enough to ruin his day before it started, he found motivation within the phone warm in his hold. Their call fresh in his mind, Doppo knew he wasn't the only one struggling to get up. For Jakurai, he would gladly stay up again and again; for him, too, he would do his best to get through work.

iii.

"Uh, is it always this slow?" Doppo asked, adjusting his hat as the sun steadily climbed higher and higher across the sky. He'd been sitting there at Ichigaya sandwiched between Jakurai and Hifumi for about two and a half hours now, and they'd only managed to catch one measly carp -- a joint effort between him and Jakurai (or rather, Jakurai took control of the rod when he freaked out at the fish's tug) while Hifumi waved the fishing net like a madman. He'd spent hours at work dreaming about this day -- the day he'd finally join Jakurai's and Hifumi's fishing trips -- and... "underwhelming" could only describe so much.

"Some days are slower than others." Smiling sheepishly, Jakurai’s eyes crinkled.

"Yeah, like, sometimes we don't even catch anything at all," Hifumi said, prouder of the fact than he should've been.

"I thought you said you were 'pros.'"

"We are!" Hifumi puffed up his chest, his fishing line swaying from side-to-side. "Like, Doc and I totes know how to use the fishing poles and stuff. It's just a bad fish day today."

Hunching over his knees, Doppo sighed. He and Hifumi must've had different definitions of "pro."

At his right, Jakurai chuckled and Doppo's mood brightened a bit; he couldn't bring himself to be disappointed at the sound of it. True, the trip didn't quite meet his expectations but he had to admit it was a nice change of pace from sleeping the whole day. The pond's ripples wavering to and fro and the light breeze accented Hifumi's and Jakurai's conversation about the deals at the supermarket, the scene lulling the stress and tension of the work week away. To be honest, with the three of them even having the chance to spend time together like this, Doppo couldn't have imagined anything better.

"Oh!" Nearly bouncing out of his seat, Hifumi furiously wheeled the handle. "I caught something!"

"Did you really, or do you think you caught something?" Doppo eyed Hifumi’s line. It wouldn't have been Hifumi’s first false alarm. He had the tendency to shake his rod while speaking, tricking himself into thinking he caught something when he chattered on for too long.

"I did, I really did! Quick, someone get the net!"

Jakurai reacted faster than he did, the warmth at his side dissipating as he stood up to aid Hifumi with his catch. What neither of them noticed, however, was that Doppo sat with his legs outstretched before him, and Jakurai stumbled over them. In a hurry to get out of the way, Doppo dragged his legs back but his feet knocked against Jakurai's as he did so, tipping him over and sending straight into the pond with a large splash!

"Dr. Jakurai!"

"Jinguji-san!"

They ran over to the edge of the platform, watching Jakurai flail helplessly in the water as the carp scattered off in different directions. His head bobbed up and down, eventually falling under and replaced by a froth of bubbles. Sinking deeper and deeper, his long tresses splayed up like seaweed.

"O-Oh my God, t-this is my fault." Hands trembling, Doppo clutched his face. "I tripped Jinguji-san, I made him drown, I --"

Hifumi slapped his shoulder and shook him. "Now's not the time, Doppo-chin! We have to save Dr. Jakurai!"

"How?! Neither of us know how to swim!"

"I dunno! But we have to!"

Dread crept into Doppo's stomach much like Jakurai's body falling to the depths of the pond; all the while, Hifumi yelled at the water as if begging would make it spit Jakurai back out. For a Saturday, there were hardly any fishers around and the ones there were too far away to call over. The tendrils of Jakurai's hair disappeared and an eerie stillness returned to the pond.

Now or never. Ripping off his hat and vest, Doppo shoved them over to Hifumi.

"What are you doing?" Hifumi asked, taking them on the automatic.

"I'm going to save Jinguji-san." Hopefully, the fear in his voice wasn’t too obvious. Toeing off his shoes and socks, Doppo peered down the pond and calculated how deep it was. He might not know how to swim, but he knew how to hold his breath for long periods of time. The perks of not caring about whether he lived or died.

"But you said it, we don't know how to swim!" Hifumi pleaded, continuing to take his clothes.

"I sat it on some of my little brother's swimming lessons before." He took a deep breath --

"Doppo!"

-- and jumped in.

How the hell elementary school kids made swimming look so easy, Doppo didn't know; he could barely kick his legs as he sank through the pond. The carp circled around him as if mocking him for his dumb decision. Not only would he have killed Jakurai, he'd have gotten himself killed, too; he could imagine Jakurai's disappointment in the afterlife when he learned that he'd drowned the both of them. But as he struggled through the water, he spotted Jakurai floating towards the bottom and a surge of energy powered through him. He could fail himself, but he wouldn't fail Jakurai.

With his pathetic doggy paddle, he somehow reached Jakurai. But then came his second challenge: bringing him up. His weight was one thing, but carrying him wasn't an easy feat with a single arm free and his lungs burning. In his peripheral, the carp zipped by as if pushing him back, telling him to give up -- that Jakurai was already dead and it was no use. It only edged him on, Doppo using the last of his strength to break the surface.

In his arm, Jakurai's head lolled onto his shoulder. The chill running through him surely wasn't from the air.

"Doppo, grab on!"

A splash hit the surface, sending more water into his clogged ears. It was the goddamn net. Had he not been desperate to get out, he would've sighed. Still, he held onto it and let Hifumi hoist them in.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God," Hifumi chanted over and over as they laid Jakurai onto the ground. He hadn't made any sign of movement nor breathing since they surfaced, but Doppo pressed an ear against his chest and heard a faint heartbeat. The dread ebbed away but only crashed back like a tsunami as the whole ordeal wasn't over yet.

"We have to do something, like -- like -- like CPR." Hifumi flittered over Jakurai's body, a blond blur pacing back and forth. "How do you do that? Like this?!"

Balling his hands into fists, Hifumi slammed it hard against Jakurai's stomach. Before Doppo could yell at him, Jakurai spasmed and he threw up water. Hacking his coughs, he struggled to sit up and Doppo hurried to his side.

"I-I-I'm so sorry, Jinguji-san! Are you okay?!" Patting his back, he cringed as the question left his mouth. "I mean, how are you feeling?"

"I'm --" Cough. "I'll be --" Cough. "Fine." Cough.

"Oh my God, Doc, you almost died!" Hifumi threw his arms around Jakurai, practically squeezing the rest of the water out of him. "Who'd fish with me then?!"

"Gee, thanks for remembering me," said Doppo.

"Okay, yeah, but like you'd rather sleep! Besides, Doc catches most of our fish,” Hifumi said, if by "most," he meant "all," and by "all," he meant "one."

Doppo readied a retort, but the sound of Jakurai's scratchy chuckle made him bite it back. Instead, he let Hifumi attend to him while he rummaged through their bag for the towel. Towel procured, he returned and began patting Jakurai dry.

"You're wet, too, Doppo-kun." Jakurai sounded hoarse from all the coughing, but Doppo was thankful to be hearing him at all.

"It's all right, I'll air dry."

"Nonsense, you might catch a cold."

"But --"

Cutting in, Hifumi grabbed the towel and wrapped it around them. Doppo moved in out of instinct, not realizing how close he was to Jakurai until he bumped into his chest. Before he could back away, Hifumi started rubbing their heads.

"See? Now both of you can be dry!"

They looked up at him. With Hifumi drying them off, Jakurai and Doppo shared a smile.

"Very well. We're in your care, Hifumi-kun," Jakurai said with an amused lilt.

"Be careful, okay?"

"Jeez, Doppo-chin, you're acting like I'll tear your hair out!" Making light of his threat, Hifumi rubbed Doppo's head extra hard.

"Oi!"

As Doppo shoved him off, the three of them laughed and fell into a steady rhythm. Hifumi hummed as he worked, and a hand placed itself atop Doppo's. He glanced over at Jakurai, who sat unperturbed as if he hadn't just drowned. Ever so hesitantly, he laid his head on Jakurai's shoulder.

"By the way, Doc, weren't you part of the military?" Hifumi mused as he worked on Jakurai's hair. "Didn't you, like, have to learn how to swim?"

"Ah, doctors weren't required to undergo that type of training," Jakurai said. His eyes fell to the pond, blue hues reflecting off them like waves. "Besides, I... have a tendency to sink like a rock."

"So you suck at swimming."

"Hifumi."

Jakurai chuckled. "You could say that it's not my strong point."

"Haha, y'know what that reminds me of? Doppo really sucked at PE. Like, one time we were playing volleyball and --"

"Jinguji-san doesn't need to know about that!"

"He's your boyfriend, of course he does. So, anyways..."

Groaning, Doppo buried his face into Jakurai's shoulder while Hifumi recounted The Volleyball Incident. When he'd gotten to the part where he gave not one, not two, but three of their classmates bloody noses, Doppo risked a peek up. Jakurai nodded along as Hifumi spoke, an amused smile on his face, but he met his eyes then and leaned in closer.

"I wasn't much better, I have to admit," he said in a whisper meant solely for him. "I gave my teacher a concussion and another classmate a broken arm during a game of basketball once."

Hiding his mouth behind his palm, Doppo snorted. The image of a younger Jakurai stumbling around in a gym and wrecking havoc popped into mind, a contrast to the serene figure he knew today but one he'd keep close. He supposed Jakurai's hands hadn't always been used for healing, but that made that fact all the greater.

iv.

In spite of of Doppo's unlucky streak, there was a tiny silver lining in it in the form of Jakurai. Despite Hifumi's reminders and the news warning of the thunderstorm coming that evening, he'd forgotten his umbrella when he rushed out the apartment. While he'd been lamenting his situation during the last of his overtime hours, Jakurai had messaged him asking if he'd like a ride since he'd be getting out of work soon. With the storm showing no sign of letting up, Jakurai also offered him to stay over at his place because it was closer. Doppo's instincts had told him not to impose any further, but the thunder boomed louder than his hesitation so he took him up on his offer.

Shooting a text to Hifumi that he wouldn't be home tonight, Doppo stretched his back and cringed at the cracks that resounded. He flopped onto the sofa with a hiss, his body protesting as it hit the firm material.

"Are you feeling well, Doppo-kun?" Jakurai's voice drew closer as he returned to the living room, a change of clothes for him in his hands -- Doppo's own clothes that he'd left behind after the first time he stayed over at Jakurai's place. Doppo never understood how wearing your partner's clothes was supposed to be "cute." He only felt embarrassed when he put on Jakurai's lounge wear, the shirt hanging loosely off his frame and the pants running past his feet.

"Just fine," Doppo said, rolling his shoulders and wincing. "My body feels kind of sore, is all."

"I should have some eucalyptus oil to relieve the pain, if you would like to try?"

Doppo opened his mouth to reject his offer, but a sharp pain ran through his back and he clamped it shut. He nodded, squeezing his eyes shut. "That'd be great."

Setting his clothes next to him, Jakurai left once again. Doppo figured he might as well get changed now, so he picked up the clothes and made his way to the bathroom. Unbuttoning his shirt, he froze as he saw the heat pads on his shoulders in the mirror, sickly white against his pale skin. He chewed his lip, recalling Hifumi's words from that morning and the chitchat of his co-workers. Instinctively, he tugged his shirt closer.

"Doppo-kun, I have the oil. Would you like me to apply it?"

The door hinges creaked as the door opened and Doppo rushed to press it closed.

"T-Thank you, Jinguji-san, but I got it," Doppo said, peeking his head through the small space he allowed between them. He stuck his fingers out for the bottle, straining to keep his shoulders out of sight.

Jakurai frowned, brows furrowing. He made no move to give it to him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, like I said, I'm just sore."

Jakurai tried again to open the door with more force, but Doppo put his weight on it and shoved back. "Is there a reason you won't let me see you?"

"N-No, no reason."

"If there's something wrong, I would be more than glad to take a look at it. It's better to be safe than sorry." There it was: his Doctor Voice, the one that wouldn't let any potential ailment go unchecked. Though typically calming, it nagged Doppo in that moment.

"No! No, it's nothing like that, I... ugh." Counting to ten, Doppo slowly opened the door all the way. He hunched his shoulders in, he rubbed at the pads, and he kept his gaze on the floor. "I'm... wearing heat pads. I know -- I know it's really unattractive. I'm not even thirty yet, but Hifumi called me an 'old man' for wearing them. And the other day I heard my co-workers say they're a major turn off --"

"Doppo-kun."

Doppo's head snapped up and he let out a small "eep!". He covered his eyes, the clamminess of his hands cool against the heat rising to his cheeks, as Jakurai took his sweater off. Although, he couldn't help it if he peeked a little bit. Only enough to see Jakurai's arm muscles tensing and contracting. Doppo widened the spaces between his fingers ever so slightly.

Folding his sweater over his arm, Jakurai pulled his hair back and -- oh. Doppo's mouth hung ajar. On Jakurai's shoulders sat a pair of heat pads, much like the ones he wore on his own. Gently, Jakurai tugged Doppo's hands down.

"I wear them, too, see? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about." Eyes crinkling, he chuckled. "We match."

Doppo huffed out a laugh, though any other thought running through his mind stopped short as his eyes wandered downwards. He'd always imagined Jakurai's body to be as perfect as the lavender locks that flowed down his back, to be free of blemishes, toned, and fit -- a figure befitting a man so heavenly like him. Though toned and fit appeared to be the case, the same couldn't be said of blemish-free. Marks and scars ran through his body, through his abdomen, and through his arms that ranged from muddy reds to matte whites, from short nicks to long gashes, from deeply depressed to highly pronounced.

And yet Jakurai stood there as if none of them existed.

"You have scars?" Doppo asked before he could think. He slapped his mouth. "Sorry, I just noticed them."

"It's okay, I do not mind them." Following his gaze, Jakurai's expression fell into a neutral one. "Most of them are from the war."

Fixated on the wounds that grazed him, Doppo stepped forward; likewise, Jakurai kept quiet as he approached though he showed no sign of apprehension. Fingers trembling, Doppo lifted a hand. "Can I touch them?"

Jakurai inhaled sharply, the sound harsh and strident against the stillness. "Yes, you may."

His fingers hovered over his chest, and Doppo looked up at Jakurai once more. Jakurai nodded.

Slowly, Doppo traced the longest one first -- the jagged one that ran from the lower left side of his abdomen to beneath his right pectoral, outlined in a coarse pink that encased dull white and protruded his skin. He'd gotten it during a melee, Jakurai told him, where he'd been cornered. The other men had been taken out, but one of them survived and lunged at him with a knife. Jakurai managed to defend himself, though barely.

"I thought you weren't allowed to attack medical units?" Doppo asked.

The corners twitching, Jakurai's lips pursed together.

"...There is often no regard for rules in war." He stated it like a fact, simple as that. No wonder, Doppo thought, that women had eradicated violence when they overtook the government.

His fingers traveled up, right to the round wounds about the length of his thumb on Jakurai's bicep. Like a pair of twins, they sat right next to each other, identical in every way what with being faded dark splotches that dipped into his skin. Gun shots, Jakurai told him; he'd been assisting a few wounded soldiers back to the hospital, but the enemy had crossed no-man's land and started firing. All the soldiers who he'd been helping died.

"I never thought you'd get caught in the crossfire..."

"Being in an active war zone means putting one's self amidst the action," Jakurai said, voice even. His azure irises hazed over like a fog.

They continued on like that, with Doppo tracing the scars that marked his body and Jakurai explaining the story behind each one -- each fight he endured, each body he encountered, each soldier he tried to save. Having lived in the relative peace of their homeland his whole life, Doppo shuddered hearing Jakurai recount his experiences; though, in all honesty, whether it was because of the contents of his tales or the tone Jakurai took on, he wasn't sure. He spoke with an indifference to his words, as if disconnecting himself from the events, but a tinge of regret underlain it all.

Doppo was sorry. Sorry that he had to see all of that, sorry that he couldn't do anything to absolve him of the blood stained on his hands, sorry he couldn't relieve him of the anguish he suffered through. But there was little his apologies could do in the first place and so he kept quiet.

Reaching their last stop, Doppo's fingers came to a set of scars on his right wrist. They were different from the others strewn across his body; a multitude of stripes that had carved their way into his skin, each mark precisely made and organized rather than serrated and scattered. Paler than his ivory skin, they held a blotchy, white color to them. Jakurai's wrist spasmed as he made contact with them, his arm jerking in place. His eyes didn't meet his.

"Ah, those are... older scars."

He didn't need to say anything more.

Letting go, Doppo hastily unbuttoned his sleeve and pulled it back. The scars on his left wrist were redder and thicker, angrier and more distinct; they zig-zagged and criss-crossed, their own kind of morbid pattern. Lower down laid some keloids that formed years ago. They were a sight Doppo had long grown used to, a sight he'd grown to hate, a sight that he was tempted to continue working on to this day.

He was sorry. Sorry for being so weak, sorry for being so cowardly, sorry for being so useless. But he pushed his apologies down and he held his wrist next to Jakurai's.

"Mine are, too," Doppo said, voice feeble. Their scars might've looked different, but they weren't unlike each other's.  "...We really do match."

Carefully, Jakurai ran his fingers over the scars. Doppo resisted the urge to rip his hand away, his wrist twitching in his hold. Only Hifumi had ever seen his scars this close, having avoided the matter with his parents as much as he possibly could. But Jakurai's touch was gentle and delicate, caressing the wounds as if they'd re-open at the wrong move and inspecting them with a grim interest.

Jakurai let out a mirthless laugh. Softly, he said, "We make quite the pair, don't we?"

As the storm continued to rage outside, they fell into a silence, sharing unspoken words of a similar sorrow.

v.

Neither he nor Jakurai were the touchy-feely type, much to Hifumi's displeasure. No matter how many times he insisted that they "act more like a couple" and pushed them to get out of their comfort zones, they reserved those gestures for private spaces and intimate moments. In fact, Doppo preferred it that way since it made it easier to keep things between them on the down low -- something they both agreed to early on in their relationship. He received enough attention by having a loud mouth for a best friend and being a member of Matenrou, he didn't need people poking their noses into his business for dating the renowned Jinguji Jakurai either.

But nothing ever worked out Doppo's way.

"Wow~★ So the rumors are true?"

It was his fault that things came to this. His fault for not being discreet in their interactions, his fault for causing rumors to circulate, his fault for suggesting they go to the tea house bordering Shibuya, his fault they ran into Amemura Ramuda -- the very bane of Jakurai's existence. Rarely did Jakurai show any sign of annoyance that Doppo couldn't help but cower at the storm brewing in his azure irises, even if the look wasn't directed at him.

"I believe I do not know what you're talking about, Amemura-kun," Jakurai said, tone curt. No doubt Jakurai was tall, but his height had always served as a comfort, a safe space where Doppo tucked himself underneath his chin within moments of stillness. Right then, however, he loomed over Ramuda's small figure like a wolf cornering the pup that dared cross his path.

"Huh? For real?!" Widening his eyes, Ramuda's hands flew to his cheeks with a pop! Maybe it was because Doppo wasn't used to him, but Ramuda's voice sounded like it'd gotten higher since their last encounter -- grating and pitchy, a noise more annoying than the city’s clamor. "Everyone's talking about it, y'know. They're saying that Matenrou's leader is dating one of his members!"

Ramuda's eyes landed on him, lips curling into a grin that seemed akin to a sneer. Bouncing onto the heels of his feet, Ramuda bent forward to get a better look at him but Jakurai stepped in between them acting as a shield.

"Doppo-kun is my teammate."

"So you're having some team bonding without the other one?" Ramuda stood on his tiptoes, jumping up and down with his hands framing his eyes like binoculars to scan the crowds.

"Hifumi-kun is busy."

"You're just leaving him out? That's so mean, Jakurai!" Ramuda stopped hopping and he crossed his arms, cheeks puffing out as he stuck his chin up towards Jakurai. From behind, Doppo saw how Jakurai clenched his fists and how his veins bulged in his skin. "I bet what you're doing is really, really, really bo~ring, too!"

"That’s none of your business --"

Without warning, Ramuda shoved Jakurai to the side and skipped right up to him. Before Doppo could react, Ramuda grabbed his hands and swung them up-and-down so hard he worried his arms would pop out their sockets. For someone so damn tiny, Ramuda had a strong grip. Peering up at him, Ramuda tilted his head to the side and batted his long, long eyelashes.

"Why don't ya leave that stuffy, old man and join me today, Mr. Salary-man~? I'm sure you'll have tons and tons of fun with my honeys! ♥" His finely manicured nails poking into his palms, he dragged him into the crowd and the one thing keeping Doppo from tripping over his feet was Ramuda's vice grip.

"Um --"

"I would appreciate it if you didn't manhandle my teammate, Amemura-kun," Jakurai cut in. A contrast to his usual gentleness, Jakurai pushed Ramuda away and Doppo's back hit Jakurai's chest as he wrapped his arm around him. Meanwhile, Ramuda stumbled backwards, pink hair bouncing against his shoulders, and he pouted in a way that put spoiled, little girls to shame. Jakurai's grip on him tightened.

"But you're doing the same!" Ramuda whined, hands on his hips. "Besides, you didn't even ask him what he wanted. See what a big meanie you are?!"

Jakurai's chest rose and fell, the exhale of his sigh a heavy weight blowing through his hair. Reluctantly, Jakurai let go of him and his backside grew colder as he left him. Jakurai wore an unreadable expression.

"Well, Doppo-kun." Doppo squirmed in spot, hearing the traces of irritation that leaked through. As if sensing his discomfort, Jakurai's face softened and he continued speaking in a calmer tone. "Do you have anything to say?"

Two pairs of eyes stared at him -- a bitter azure and an icy blue. Doppo's decision had long been made, but that didn't make him any less stressed. The rejection would probably make Ramuda bother Jakurai more which would make Jakurai more upset and it would be all because of him. Mentally berating himself for this whole mess, Doppo turned to Ramuda and dipped his head. He gulped.

"T-Thank you for the offer, Amemura-kun, but I'm sorry, Jingu -- Dr. Jinguji and I already made plans for the day."

He might've been seeing things, but he could've sworn he saw Ramuda's mouth twitch.

"Awww, but you're gonna miss out on sooo much fun!" Face scrunching up, Ramuda's shoulders drooped and he kicked the ground like a child throwing a tantrum. But with the blink of an eye, he perked up and returned his gaze. "But, I totally get it! That dumb-dumb Jakurai doesn't let go of anything, so I guess you'll have to be his prisoner for the day."

Grabbing his collar, Ramuda pulled him down to his level and Doppo's stomach churned at the sugary, saccharine scent of his perfume. He met Jakurai’s eyes, placing a kiss on Doppo's cheek with a particularly loud mwah that drowned out the noise of passersby. He grinned a smile that sent a shiver down Doppo's spine.

"Hit me up if you ever wanna have some fun! Catch ya later, Mr. Salary-man~! ♥"

Ramuda winked at him and stuck his tongue out at Jakurai, running off before either of them could say anything else. Once he'd disappeared into the sea of people, Doppo released the breath he'd been holding and the tension eased out of his body. He thought that spending two decades with Hifumi was exhausting, but a couple of minutes with Ramuda left him deader than dead.

"Are you okay, Doppo-kun?" Jakurai's voice returned to its mild cadence, but a ghost of a scowl lingered on his features. He cupped his face, his thumb stroking the cheek that Ramuda had kissed to wipe off the lip gloss residue. Though, with the force with which he rubbed, he might've been trying to wipe off the kiss altogether.

Fidgeting at his touch, Doppo's eyes shifted from side-to-side. "Yeah, but are you?"

Jakurai's frown deepened.

"Yes," Jakurai said in a clipped tone. "Amemura-kun is just... quite a special character."

Doppo nodded, not daring to press further lest he irritate Jakurai any more. He couldn't fault him, anyways. Even if he didn't know exactly what happened between the two, Amemura Ramuda embodied the cacophony of the city and the chaos of the crowds that pissed him off to no end and that was enough to put him off.

"Anyhow, it's best to forget that happened. Shall we get going?" Not giving him a chance to respond, Jakurai grabbed his hand and pulled him along. While keeping up with Jakurai's strides usually didn't pose a problem, Doppo stumbled over his feet as he followed behind.

"J-Jinguiji-san, we're in public...!"

Jakurai paused and Doppo nearly ran into his back at the sudden stop. Lips quirking up in a rather crooked manner for a gentleman like him, Jakurai turned to him with an unfamiliar glint in his eyes. Doppo's breath caught in his throat.

"There’s no harm if others know that you are my teammate, hm?"

Heat rushed to Doppo's cheeks and he shook his head, not trusting himself with words. Jakurai squeezed his hand, which he returned, and they made their way to their destination. A selfless saint who always gave yet never took was all he'd ever known Jakurai to be, but as Doppo fell in step with him, he wouldn't deny that seeing this side sent a thrill throughout his body.

vi.

Silence and stares weren't normally part of the menu -- especially when the planets aligned to get him out of work on time and let Jakurai join them for dinner -- but Doppo found himself at the center of stunned attention that evening. Hifumi's chopsticks clattered onto his plate, jaw dropping to the table and eyebrows flying up to meet his hairline. Across from him, Jakurai's face bloomed into a red that rivaled the color of Doppo's hair and his bottom lip quivered slightly.

Doppo squinted at them. "What?"

"You said it, Doppo-chin."

"Said what?"

"Doc's name, you said it!"

Doppo looked at him incredulously. "Yeah? It's ‘Jinguji-san’ --"

"No, not like that!" Posture drooping, Hifumi picked up his chopsticks and mimicked Doppo's pose. In fake annoyance, he said, "'Hifumi! What Jakurai and I do at his place is none of your business!'"

Replaying the sentence over and over in his mind, Doppo's eyes bulged wide. Holy shit. He did say that, didn't he? He looked over at Jakurai, who'd buried the lower part of his face with his palm and looked at his half-eaten food as if it was the most interesting thing on the Earth; his usual perfect posture faltered under his gawking.

No matter how many times Jakurai assured him that calling him by his first name was all right, no matter how many times Hifumi urged him on, no matter how many times he told himself that no, it wasn't disrespectful to call your boyfriend by his first name, Doppo always found himself tongue-tied whenever he tried to speak it and fell back to "Jinguji-san." Somehow, he'd beaten out the "Doctor" habit, but crossing the first name boundary seemed about as possible as that damn manager of his cutting him some slack.

Who knew that all it took was an incredibly taxing day at work and a lack of patience?

"I-I'm so sorry, Jinguji-san --"

"Boo!" Hifumi pouted, giving a thumb's down. "You said it already, no going back!"

"You butt out of this --"

"Now, now, let’s settle down," said Jakurai, a warble in his voice. He cleared his throat, the red dusting his cheeks having faded to a bright pink, and schooled his face into a neutral expression -- or as neutral as wobbly lips and an unsteady gaze could be, that was. "Hifumi-kun, let Doppo-kun take things at his own pace. Doppo-kun, it's not everyday we are able to have dinner with Hifumi-kun so let's enjoy it."

Hifumi mumbled an "okay" and grumbled, but as always, he was quick to return to his upbeat attitude and started chattering on about some stray cat he saw on the way home from the supermarket earlier. Doppo, meanwhile, kept quiet and watched as Hifumi and Jakurai carried the conversation. His eyes caught Jakurai's, but Jakurai looked down after a moment's hesitation and gave him a stiff smile. All of a sudden, Doppo didn't feel hungry anymore.  

After they finished dinner, Doppo washed the dishes while Hifumi got ready for work and though he insisted otherwise, Jakurai volunteered to help him. Usually, working in silence wasn't a problem between them, but the awkwardness in the air led to the simple task stretching out for an eternity where Doppo skirted around him -- made worse whenever he brushed up against him or had to say something.

"Sorry, J -- ...sorry."

"J -- Um, can you pass those plates?"

"Did you get those yet, J -- ...yeah."

The last of the dishes settled into the dish rack with a louder clack than necessary. Jakurai turned to him.

"Doppo-kun, you do not need to be so afraid of saying my name." A hint of exasperation lied underneath his calm tone. "Either of them, for that matter."

"I'm sorry," Doppo said as he wiped the counter dry, moving methodically to avoid the look Jakurai gave him. "I just -- I just don't want to overstep any more boundaries."

Jakurai's face softened, though a frown marred his features. "Whoever said there were any?"

"I mean, you're you." Doppo flailed the towel in his direction, drops of water flying off. "You're Dr. Jinguji Jakurai, you're a genius who lowered the death rate on the front lines and you were part of the legendary Dirty Dawg and you're a really great guy in general." He heaved a sigh, the towel falling to his side as he slumped. "And I'm... me."

The dripping of the faucet filled the pause that followed, Doppo fidgeting in spot. His low self-esteem was no secret to either of them, neither were the comparisons he constantly made between them. For every "I don't deserve you," he uttered, Jakurai countered with a "You deserve the world," but his words could only do so much to stave off the nagging voice in the back of his head that told him Jakurai was way out of his league. Some days his reassurances were easier to swallow, others virtually impossible. And now that he'd spoken Jakurai's name as if they were equals of all things, his doubts suffocated him.

Hurriedly, Doppo returned to drying the counter. "It's dumb, I know --"

"Yes, you're you," Jakurai said. He took Doppo's chin and lifted his head up to meet his eyes, gracing him with a smile. "You're Kannonzaka Doppo, a salary-man who works incredibly hard, a member of the battle season’s champion Matenrou, and a very good friend. That's pretty amazing, no?"

Doppo couldn't bring himself to return the smile. "That's nowhere near as impressive as you."

Tenderly, Jakurai stroked Doppo's chin. "Your feats are separate from mine. Mine are not worth more than yours."

"But --"

Jakurai pressed his thumb against Doppo's lips, shushing him. "We're partners, correct? Are we not equals?"

A lump formed in Doppo's throat, his question ringing in his ears. He'd never entertained such an outrageous idea; the very notion of it incomprehensible, unfathomable. Someone as unremarkable as him paled in comparison to Jakurai's glory. Matching the crest of Shinjuku's skyscrapers that pierced the skies, Jakurai stood atop a pedestal kilometers high and all Doppo could do was stop and stare.

But here Jakurai was, the one who he'd admired for so long placing them on the even ground.

His instincts, inevitably, yelled at him to refute him -- that he was just saying things, he was simply placating him, he was merely leading him on. But for as much as his demons twisted Jakurai's words and strangled him with them, Jakurai himself shone a light upon him whilst stuck in a tempest of torments and cleared his mind, if only for a short while; his doubts would probably never leave, but Jakurai always won over all else. If he couldn't trust himself, he could at least trust Jakurai.

The weight on his chest a little bit lighter, Doppo gave a sheepish smile.

"We are, I guess. Thank you... um..." He forced out the name on the tip of his tongue. "...Jakurai."

The serenity on Jakurai's face immediately scrunched up in embarrassment, and he squeezed his eyes shut as red colored his cheeks once again.

"You're welcome, Doppo-kun," he said, choking the sentence out.

"Er, are you okay... Jakurai?"

Covering his face with his hands, he nodded vigorously and the strands of his hair fell out of place.

"...Jaku -- huh?!"

Pulling him into an embrace, Jakurai buried his face into his shoulder. Pressed up against him, the warmth of his blush seeped through his shirt and his unsteady breaths tickled the nape of his neck.

"Forgive me, Doppo-kun," came Jakurai's muffled voice. "Even though I said that you may call me by my name, I’m not used to being addressed so informally."

"T-Then I'll call you 'Jakurai-san' --"

"No." Jakurai shook his head, long locks flying from side-to-side. Softly, he said, "It makes me happy when you call me 'Jakurai.'"

Doppo’s heart thumped, skipping a beat or two at that. In the end, all he wanted was to make Jakurai happy. He'd do his best to never let him down, and he could start with something so bold such as saying his name.

"Okay..." He paused. "Jakurai."

If he strained his ears enough, he could hear Jakurai let out a noise. Doppo grinned and patted his back, a chuckle bubbling within his chest. "Mature" was one of the first words he thought of when it came to Jakurai, but "cute" fit him as well.

"...Jakurai?" Doppo said, the name still strange on his tongue. Nonetheless, it brought him a sense of giddiness he had to admit he enjoyed.

"Yes, Doppo-kun?"

"If I can call you 'Jakurai,' you can just call me 'Doppo.'"

Jakurai's knees buckled underneath his weight and Doppo used all his strength to keep them from toppling over. In the background, Hifumi whooped.

vii.

Another bought of restlessness struck tonight, though Doppo couldn't tell if it was due to his insomnia or from laying beside Jakurai. It wasn't as if this was the first time they'd shared a bed, but his body weighed so heavily, so uncomfortably, that he feared waking him up from his much needed rest with his bare existence. Honestly, he wouldn't have minded sleeping on the futon, or even the couch, but Jakurai insisted that it was fine and he wasn't one to argue with him.

As quietly as possible, Doppo turned over to see Jakurai sleeping away. He laid so still that the only indication he was alive was the steady rise and fall of his chest, his breaths barely audible within the silence of the room. A part of him was tempted to clutch onto the tail of his braid, plaited across his shoulder with not a strand out of place, but he fought the urge so as to not ruin the image of the sleeping beauty. Watching him deep in slumber, Doppo's lips quirked up regardless of his own fatigue. At least one of them was able to get some sleep.

The hands of the clock on Jakurai's side ticked by gratingly, reading 1:03 in an ever present reminder that work was steadily approaching. He watched as the minutes changed, every sixty seconds feeling like sixty lifetimes, before stifling a sigh and carefully pulling himself out of bed. Jakurai mentioned he had sleeping pills somewhere around, if he was remembering correctly. Normally he'd ask first, but he didn't dare wake him for something as small as this. If he could find them, he'd apologize first thing in the morning and buy replacements himself.

As his feet hit the cool, wooden floor, a low murmur made him freeze. He turned back, an apology ready on his tongue -- "Sorry for waking you up," "Sorry for taking things without asking" -- but Jakurai simply laid there the same way he left him. One beat, two beats, three beats, four; the sound didn't come back. Rubbing his ears, Doppo wondered if he was so tired that he'd started hearing things. He pushed himself off the bed when a groan filled the room.

He snapped back to Jakurai, still lying motionless but his features twisted in agitation. Doppo drew closer to his side, another groan escaping Jakurai's lips while his brows furrowed together.

"Jakurai?" Doppo shook his shoulder. His murmurs grew louder and his breathing became more erratic. Chest heaving heavily, his shoulders tensed and his hands clutched the duvet.

"Jakurai." Doppo shook harder, to which Jakurai's head jerked to the side. His braid became tousled as he began fidgeting, strands sticking to the sweat beads rolling down his face and neck. Biting his lip, Doppo watched as his body convulsed. Whatever he was dreaming of only seemed to be getting worse.

Breaking Jakurai's fingers free of their death grip on the duvet, Doppo grabbed his cold, clammy hands and squeezed hard. Hoping the gesture would have the same effect as it did on Hifumi during his nightmares, he tugged up.

"Jakurai!"

Jakurai's eyes shot open with a gasp, darting around the room as if in search for something -- or rather, like something was searching for him -- and his nails dug crater-deep crescents into Doppo's palm. He curled in on himself as he sat up, poised to protect himself as if he were under attack. His mouth hung open, breaths short and rapid, and finally his shaken gaze landed on him.

"...Doppo?"

"I'm here." Doppo squeezed harder. "You were having a nightmare, I think."

Running a hand down his face, the strands of Jakurai’s hair fell loose and clung to his skin which had taken on a deathly, pale hue.

"I... I believe that's right, yes." Nodding, he swallowed hard and his eyes fell to his lap. He shivered, the sensation rippling throughout his nerves and onto Doppo.

"What was it about?" Doppo asked, barely above a whisper. When Jakurai's fingers twitched, he hastily added, "I’m sorry. I mean, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

In the silence of the night, Jakurai's gasps echoed loudly throughout. He sat motionless hunched over his figure, save for the heaving of his chest as he took in air, deeply and desperately. His lavender locks curtained his hooded gaze, sockets holding empty eyes that dulled and slackened. As his breathing steadily returned to a normal rate, his grip on him loosened though he didn't let go. Likewise, Doppo remained equally as still -- scared that any movement would set him off or that any sound would send him into disarray again.

With a small voice, Jakurai broke the quiet.

"It's a dream I have often." Azure irises taking on a faraway look, he stared ahead at nothing in particular.

"...Yeah?" was all Doppo could respond with. Comfort might not be his strong suit, but at the very least, he could listen.

"I may have saved many lives on the battlefield, but I've also taken just as many and failed much more." Try as he might to keep his voice even, it quavered and shook as convulsions racked his body. Inching closer towards him, Doppo rubbed circles onto his hands with his thumbs. Jakurai's jaw clenched, the only response to his touch. "Those lives... in my dreams, they haunt me. The ones I failed curse me for abandoning them and the others try to drag me straight down to hell with them."

Eyelids shutting close, he shuddered. The wrinkles framing his eyes deepened, his cheek bones hollower. Hesitantly, Doppo wrapped an arm around him; after a moment, the other one followed and he embraced him tightly. His presence was all he could offer him, as little as it meant.

The clock's hands ticked on, and Jakurai's arms circled around his waist and he pulled him into his lap. Resting his chin atop his head, the beating of Jakurai's heart hammered wildly against his ear.

"Perhaps that’s my fate and I deserve it." Doppo's heart broke at how resigned he sounded, stomach churning at how weak his words were. Neither suited Jakurai, neither felt right. "I have been called a genius for my work, but sometimes I wonder if I truly am one when there were so many lives I couldn't help."

"That's not your fault," Doppo said, louder than intended. Jakurai's jaw clenched against his head, his hold on him trembling as it tightened. "You're -- You're just one person. You couldn't have possibly saved everyone. Not by yourself." Softly, he continued. "You did what you could and... I think that's enough."

A stillness fell over, and he felt Jakurai's Adam's apple bob as he swallowed his words. He made neither a move nor a sound, but the drumming of his heart slowed to a steadier tempo. An apology bubbled up on Doppo's tongue as the seconds of silence passed -- for overstepping his place, for butting into something he knew next to nothing about -- but Jakurai pressed his lips onto the top of his head before he could spit it out.

"Thank you, Doppo. I needed to hear that." He spoke quietly, but the fragility in his voice dissipated. Sitting back, he still wore an ashen expression, but the storm had left his eyes. Relief washed over Doppo at the small smile Jakurai gave him. Though not the strong and gentle face he was used to seeing, it was better than before.

"You're welcome," Doppo said, thankful for the darkness covering his blush. "I-I'm here for you, if ever you need someone to listen."

Another kiss met his forehead and Jakurai's fingers threaded through his hair, slowly and gingerly. "I know. Now, forgive me for disturbing you. Let's get back to sleep, shall we?"

"Haha, right..."

Deciding to keep his restlessness to himself, he followed Jakurai's lead and laid back down. Here, Doppo found himself in the same position as he was earlier: awake, with sleep far from his grasp. He should've been used to this by now but he suppressed his sigh, not wanting to burden Jakurai any further with his own problems. As he contemplated his previous decision of searching for sleeping pills, Jakurai shifted beside him and their fingers brushed against each other's.

"Doppo..." His name hung in the air, faintly like the sounds of cars driving by in the distance. "May I hold you?"

He waited a beat before hooking their fingers together. "Yeah."

Permission given, Jakurai wasted no time wrapping his arms around Doppo and cradling him. Doppo's head pressed up against his chest, his heartbeats playing a steady rhythm in his ear and his breaths a light breeze through the strands of his hair. Finding a comfortable spot atop his waist, Doppo's arms encircled him and their legs tangled together underneath the duvet. Despite everything, Jakurai's embrace was always warm.

Neither of them managed to fall asleep that night, but they were at least able to find some semblance of peace in each other.

viii.

Date nights where they actually went out were few and far in between considering their schedules, not that Doppo minded. The times where they'd fall asleep on each other on the couch were good enough for him, but he had to admit that going out for once was a nice change of pace. Although, yes, he much preferred the quiet night ins. he didn't care where they went nor what they did so as long as they were together.

Waiting in the living room, he checked his watch -- not out of dread, but out of anticipation for the evening ahead. They'd stopped by Jakurai's place first after finishing their shifts since he had some documents to drop off, though Doppo certainly wasn't complaining about the respite. Sinking into the couch, his eyelids fluttered closed and he pinched himself to stay awake as sleep tempted him. A dull thud came from further in the apartment, shaking the rest of his exhaustion off.

"Jakurai?"

No response.

Standing up and walking towards the bedroom, a sinking feeling fell through Doppo's stomach while he fought off his negative thoughts as best he could.

"Jakurai...? Oh --"

Crouched before his closet, a box had spilled over onto the floor that scattered an array of photographs and badges and other trinkets around Jakurai's feet. They laid there ignored, though, in favor for the photo he held in his hand. From his angle, Doppo couldn't make out the image but he could see the way he pressed his lips together in a fine line and the way his brow creased as he looked at it with hazy eyes.

Doppo fidgeted by the door. "Do you need help?"

Snapping out of his reverie, Jakurai blinked and turned his attention to him.

"My apologies for the delay, I..." He glanced back at the photograph. "I got distracted."

"It's okay," Doppo muttered as he hurried to his side.

He picked up the items with haste, trying his best not to dwell on them -- badges with symbols he couldn't identify, photographs with memories he wasn't privy to, mementos of a life Jakurai led without him in it. They held no meaning to him, though perhaps the lack of meaning was meaning in and of itself; for all they've gone through together, there was still so much he didn't know about him. In his peripheral, Jakurai worked at a much slower pace, or maybe it was more accurate to say not at all. Each emblem he turned over, each photograph he took, each piece of years gone by that he picked up was held with a delicacy that made him think they'd come alive and bite back if handled clumsily.

When he was done with his side, Doppo arranged everything he'd collected into a neat pile much like the many paperwork he'd done at work. Making sure not a thing was out of place, he held them out to him. But, Jakurai didn't take them. His face held a pensive expression, his azure eyes a still sea.

Jakurai clutched the photograph he'd been looking at when he entered the room. "Doppo, you were curious about these before, yes?"

"No," Doppo blurted out. At Jakurai's raised eyebrow, he scratched his chin and chuckled nervously. "Well, maybe a little bit. Just a little! You don't have to share anything you don't want to."

Taking the stack from him, carefully and cautiously, Jakurai sat down on the floor.

"I want to."

Doppo looked back and forth between Jakurai and the remnants of his past. "Are you sure? I mean, you don't have to feel obligated to, or anything."

Jakurai huffed a laugh, lips quirking up with a forlorn touch. "Yes, I'm very sure."

Moving over to make more room, he patted the empty space beside him. The seconds of the clock ticked a full rotation around the dial before Doppo crawled over and sat next to him. Their shoulders leaning against one another's, Jakurai handed him the photograph. It was the same one that he'd seen a while ago -- the group photo of The Dirty Dawg smiling together as if their reign wasn't fated to crash and burn, to destroy each other, to break apart in a matter of months for reasons he never dared to ask. Despite being a thin piece of paper, it weighed heavily between his fingertips.

"If... we're to have some sort of future together, I thought I ought to share these with you." Sitting right beside Jakurai like this, his soft voice reverberated throughout their shared space and vibrated through his touch. His hand covered his as he held the image of The Dirty Dawg as if to support him in the endeavor, a thumb running over the smiling faces. "A fair warning that the story behind them is rather ugly. That is, only if you do not mind listening."

For so long, Doppo had seen Jakurai as this faraway figure -- a genius among the replaceable, a legend among men, a god among mortals who'd simply blessed him with his presence. He'd pulled him out of the cacophony of the city and given him solace amidst the chaos. In a world that punished them for existing and cursed them for fighting back, Jakurai stood as an unwavering pillar, the white of his lab coat a sight he'd always be following but his figure one he'd never walk side-by-side with.

But as time went on, his image of him shifted.

Jinguji Jakurai was indeed a pillar that wavered -- a genius that knew not everything of the world and held finite patience, a legend that faltered and stumbled in the face on intimacy, a god that suffered through haunted memories and bore never fading scars. Yet somehow he stood strong and steadfast, resolute and firm in his beliefs, caring and gentle in his touch in spite of all that he faced. Neither a genius nor a legend nor a god he might be, but rather a man who felt, a man who hurt, a man who loved just as he did.

There were many sides of Jakurai that Doppo had come to see, so many things he'd come to experience. At the same time, the very proof of all the things he still didn't know stared back at him. The unreachable sat within grasp and the space separating them grew smaller and smaller with each passing day.

Shaking his head, Doppo leaned in closer. Perhaps Jakurai wasn't so far out of reach like he'd once thought.

"I don't mind."

[my-emotional-self]

The Accident Chapter 12

Pairings: Chris Evans x OFC

Warnings: Angst, Fluff

Summary: After yet another fight with your boyfriend Chris, you go for a drive and get into a terrible accident.  Upon waking up in the hospital, you find both Sebastian and Chris sitting there.  The only problem?  You have no recent memories and you think you are still dating Sebastian.

“Hi there Erica.  My name is Dr. Stevens, please have a seat,” she motioned for you to take a seat in the chair across from her, rather large, desk.  The walls were painted a neutral taupe color and Dr. Stevens had her diplomas and certifications posted in frames on the wall.  She sat behind a large desk while you sat in a rather comfortable char across from her.  There was also a light gray chaise lounge in the corner of the room.  

You smiled politely while trying to not be intimidated at the same time.  To say you were nervous would be a complete understatement.  Last night you got little to no sleep at all as you tossed and turned, not knowing how to today would turn out.  

As Chris drove you to the appointment, you began to suddenly be aware of the fact that you just might get your memories back today, and it was an overwhelming feeling.  It had been nice taking your time with Chris, learning to get to know him on a more than friendship basis, but now you were uneasy with how this session would go.  

“It’s nice to meet you too Dr. Stevens,” you replied with a curt nod.  

“I have your file here from Dr. Hughes so I’m caught up on what has happened to you.  I just want to say I’m sorry for everything you have had to go through the past week.  But I’m here to help you and I hope that we can work together and get some of those memories back for you.”

Dr. Stevens went through the process of hypnosis with you before the two of you began.  “Alright Erica, why don’t you lay down on the lounge there and get comfortable while I get set up.”

With shaky knees you got up from your chair and walked over the chaise lounge, laying back and getting as comfortable as you possibly could.  You crossed your hands together over your stomach and took deep, calming breaths.  

Soft music began to play in the room as Dr. Stevens situated a chair close to the lounge where you were. “Alright Erica, I want you to close your eyes and began taking deep breaths,” she spoke quietly, not wanting to disrupt the treatment.  “Good. You feel yourself going deeper….deeper….into a nice comfortable hypnotic state.  I want you to be aware of other sensations in your body.  Notice how your shoulders feel right now….how your muscles feel….relaxed.”

As you listened to the soft voice of Dr. Stevens, doing as she was asking, you soon found yourself slipping away.

You jolted awake, your body pulsating with warmth, splaying your hand over your heart to feel it beating rapidly inside your chest.  “What….,?” you choked out, your eyes wide as you looked around the room, trying to ground yourself.  

“Sshh, it’s alright Erica. You’re safe in my office,” Dr. Stevens declared in a soft, but present voice.  Your eyes landed on her, realizing where you were and you nodded. “How do you feel?”

“Umm….I don’t know really,” you replied.  

“Did you remember anything? Any memories or events?”

Your head shook rapidly, that much you knew of.  “No, no memories.”

“How about feelings?” Slowly you nodded your head, closing your eyes to hold back the tears that wanted to come.  “What kind of feelings Erica?” the doctor asked in a gentle, calm voice.  

You blew out a shaky breath as your chin began to quiver.  “Ummm…..a lot of pain.  Mental and emotional pain and anguish.  Heartbreak. Anger.  A lot of sadness.”  Cupping your hands over your face you let all your feelings out; everything you had just experienced while under hypnosis.  It was so much, so unbearable to feel everything at once as your body wracked uncontrollably.  You felt that familiar squeeze of your chest as you gasped for air during your cries.  

“Oh Erica,” Dr. Stevens called your name, her voice sympathetic, letting you deal with your feelings.  “Do you want me to go and get Chris for you?”

You couldn’t speak, didn’t want to risk it so you nodded your head instead.  The door opened and closed as you went into a sitting position on the couch, your back hunched over as your tears flooded down your face.  You began to rock back and forth on the couch, your tears dripping off your chin and onto your pants.  

The door to the office opened again as you felt the cushion dip beside you; strong arms wrapping around your frame.  “Oh baby,” Chris’ voice rang in your ears as you turned to cuddle into his comforting arms.

“Ch-chri….” You only managed to sob out his name as your body convulsed in his arms.  He kissed the top of your head, whispering encouraging words into your ears.  “Shhhh, it’s going to be alright.  Let’s get you home sweetheart.”

~~~

Chris helped you to bed promptly when you two returned back to the house, placing the blankets over you. While your sobbing had subsided, you still shook as you were adjusting to all the feelings coursing through you.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Chris asked as his hands combed through your hair.  

You wanted to, you truly did, but you didn’t know how you could possibly go about describing the way you felt in this exact moment.  Not thinking of a way on how to describe it, you shook your head instead.  

“That’s alright sweetheart. I’m here if you want to talk about it ok?  Do you want me to stay with you?”

It was a battle, between mind and heart at this point for you.  Your heart wanted him to stay, to wrap his arms around you and comfort you all night, but you knew you needed to be alone, to process all of this.  

“I just need some time to myself right now.”  Chris luckily understood and didn’t hesitate to let you be.  He placed a kiss on your head before leaving the room and closing the door.  

~~~

24 hours.  That was how long you had shut yourself off from the world, from Chris, and stayed in the room.  Chris had brought you in some food, but you barely touched any of it.  You had also received multiple texts from Seb but you neglected to reply.  He was worried about you, Chris telling him what happened and he just wanted to make sure you were alright.  

After your long stay in bed, you finally got up, shooting off a quick text to Seb, letting him know that you were feeling better and made your way out into the living room.  

“Hey,” Chris smiled wide when he saw you.  He was sitting on the couch, laptop on his lap.  

“Working?” you asked with a soft smile of your own.  

“Not really.  Just fiddling around.  Do you want something to eat?”

You looked around, noticing the bright sunny day outside.  “Actually, I was thinking about going for a swim,” you stated with a shrug. “Care to join me?”

You and Chris had spent nearly three hours in the pool; relaxing, talking, and playing around. Your fingers looked like prunes by the time you got out.  

Chris made a quick and easy dinner that night and the two of you watched a movie together.  You still weren’t feeling 100% better; your heart still hurting from everything you felt during the hypnosis treatment, but you knew what you were getting into.  You just hoped that after a few more treatments your memories would resurface.

~~~

Rolling over in bed the next morning, you pried open your eyes only to find an envelope placed on the pillow beside you.  With furrowed brows you grabbed it and sat up in bed.  Rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you opened the envelope.  There appeared to be a letter, and another smaller envelope.  

Erica,

I know the other day has been eating away at you.  I hate to see you bothered and in pain.   I want to help in any way that I can.  Inside the smaller envelope you will find your first clue.  I hope you are ready for an adventure!

XO Chris

You were even more confused than before after reading the letter Chris wrote.  “Clue?” you asked aloud to nobody but yourself.  Pulling open the smaller envelope, you read it.  

When you’re feeling less than fresh

There’s just one place to go

To wash and get all squeaky clean

And scrub between each toe

Immediately a smile came about your face as you ripped the covers off your body.  A scavenger hunt.  It was something your mother used to do for you as a kid all the time.  You quickly made your way into the bathroom.  Opening the glass door to the shower, you saw another small envelope taped to the wall.  Grinning, you opened it.  

Boob tube, idiot box, eye and telly

Are names for this machine.

Oprah, House and C.S.I

On it are weekly seen.

You raced out of the bathroom and padded down the hallway, your eyes searching for Chris but you couldn’t find him anywhere.   Making it to the living room, sure enough, there was a small envelope leaning against the wall above the mantle of the fireplace, and just below the television set.

It seems our clothes just keep returning

To this same machine.

At least they’re better than the things

The ancients used to clean.  

At first you began making your way to the master room closet, but froze halfway there.  “Duh Erica, the washing machine,” you said to yourself as you backtracked and made your way to the laundry room.  There wasn’t an envelope on the washing machine, so you opened it and peered inside to find your next little envelope.  

Communicate with family

Research, shop, and play games

Since this invention has swept the globe,

Our lives have really changed

You frowned, thinking it to be your cell phone but you were sure that wasn’t it as you didn’t see an envelope near your phone when you woke up.  Placing your finger to your lip and tapping gently, the lightbulb finally went off. Making your way back to the living room where you had seen Chris with his laptop yesterday, you frowned when you didn’t see it.  Looking around the expanse living room, your eyes fell on the door to Chris’ office.  

You opened the door and peeked inside, not finding Chris, but finding his computer.  Walking slowly towards the desk, you soon began to grow a little nervous as you had not spotted Chris at all throughout the hunt around the house.  Picking up the envelope, you read it.

When couples are well-organized

They park the car in here.

But otherwise it’s full of junk

And not one inch is clear.

A giggle escaped your mouth as you read the clue.  You had been in the garage, numerous times and it was pristine clean.  

Placing your hand on the doorknob to the garage, you twisted it to the right and opened the door. There, standing right in the middle was Chris.  He was wearing a pair of light washed jeans, a plain black t-shirt that showed off his arm muscles, and a pair of Disney ears.  A bright smile spread across your lips as you walked towards him barefoot; your eyes landing to his hands and what he was holding; a pair of Minnie Ears.

“Chris!  What is all this?” you asked, smile still on your face.

“Like my letter explained Erica.  You’ve seemed really bothered over your last appointment and I wanted to lift your spirts up.”  Your brows raised as he held out the Minnie Ears to you.  “We’re going to Disney sweetheart.”

You squealed in delight as you took the ears from him, placing it atop your head before jumping into his arms.  “Really?? We’re going to Disneyland??” Chris had fast reflexes as he caught you, swinging you around.  

“Disneyworld actually,” Chris responded with a hearty chuckle.  He set you down on the ground, his arms still holding your waist as he looked at longingly, a certain twinkle in his eyes.  

“Wait, hold up.  Did you say Disneyworld?”

“That’s what I said sweetheart.”

“But that-that’s in Florida.”  A bright smile appeared on his face, his pearly white, perfect teeth showing while he nodded his head.  “We’re going to Florida???”

Chris pulled you in for a big hug and you gripped the back of his shirt.  “Is that alright with you?  I booked everything already but if you aren’t ready for that, I can cancel it.”

Your heart felt joy, so much joy at the thought of Chris going out of his way to do something this big, this special just to make you feel better.  It was the first time in days that your heart swelled in a happy way.  “No Chris. I want to go to Disneyworld with you. I can’t wait.”  You leaned up on your tip-toes and placed a long kiss to his cheek.  

Tag List:  @patzammit @zohoffman @kanupps06 @princess-evans-addict @brastrangled @miss-cap21 @pumbibaby @marvelouslyme96 @the-real-kellymonster @white-chocolate-mocha-fan @remember-that-one-blog @mustbenot @marvelmakeuplover @aubreystilinski @cevansadmirer @projectxhappiness @libbitinasdeath @hispeculiartreasure @guera31 @ssweet-empowerment @sfreeborn @sophiealiice @badassbaker @jjlevin @supernatural-girl97 @crushed-pink-petals @coffeebooksandfandom @esoltis280 @poerebel @csrfavs @laochbaineann @iamthemaskhewears @janeyboo @trees-and-ink @nina-bok @geektastic84 @sarahp879 @our-daily-struggle @nomadicpixel @pathybo @be-amaziing @wipplog @ashann7 @have-aheart @agambleaway @lizzyclifford13-blog @lovinquotes @titty-teetee @ajosieface @ffcsave @dottirose

[deeperforme]

Reviews of Five Hypnosis Books You Can Buy for Kindle (+ Douche-O-Meter)

I wrote this a few years ago on my blog, reposting because @ragezdasta​ asked about some of these books and because I’m proud of this effortful writing, from when I was living among the mountains of Italy with no IRL access to hypnotic community. Luckily my life is very different now! But glad I did the reading (I also reviewed Mind Play, Look Into My Eyes, Hypnotize Your Lover, and Hypnotic Realities).

My Voice Will Go With You: The Teaching Tales of Milton H. Erickson

- Edited and with Commentary by Sidney Rosen

Tone:

Folksy, paternalistic anecdotes and worshipful commentary

Valuable for:

Another dose of Erickson and his powerful approach to the unconscious mind, although little that can't be found in a better form in Hypnotic Realities.

Some nice stuff if looked at purely as folksy life wisdom: "When dealing with a problem of difficulty make an interesting design out of it. Then you can concentrate on the interesting design and ignore the back-breaking labor involved."

Many examples of Erickson's conversational, storytelling method of therapy, where the patient's unconscious absorbs the point of sometimes apparently pointless stories (there's some good examples of confusion and boredom being used).

Douche-o-meter (1-5):

4.  I have a hard time with Erickson's quite explicitly paternalistic orientation. Richard Bandler writes, "He only had five goals for people to get well: get out of the hospital, get a job, get married, have children, and send him presents. That was his definition of a cure." It's nice to believe in all-wise gurus, who will forcibly steer your life for your own good, but with statements like "acne can be cured by removing all mirrors" and that he got someone to win an olympic gold medal by telling them "It would be all right,” to do so, he was at least partly full of shit. And that's in an account from inside the cult! One from outside (reported by Bandler): "Virginia [Satir] had met Milton and thought he was creepy and didn’t want anything to do with him." More than a couple of the stories he tells involve a woman getting her breasts out during the session - and he makes sure to remark on the attractiveness level of almost every single female patient.  

I could only find one story Erickson tells where he did not effect a miracle cure: a woman who came to him about weight loss.

In the case of the woman who was not motivated, this was also easily determined when she would not follow the simple suggestion of climbing Squaw Peak. Erickson had already guessed that she was lazy and self-indulgent when he saw her general demeanor, which included the ostentatious, artificial fingernails. ... After she had left, the group was interested in why Erickson had asked her to climb Squaw Peak. Did he want her to “get in touch with her own feelings”? Did he want her to accomplish a task successfully? His answer, surprisingly, was “So she would obey me.”  

Since the book uses his own words, I could at least get a hint of his calm mastery and charisma. But as his transcriber writes, "Erickson was really quite comfortable with power."

Hypnotic language example:

“Did you know that every blade of grass is a different shade of green?”

The bottom line:

Good reading when you've run out of other Erickson books, and have braced yourself for the plunge into the cult of personality.

--

Richard Bandler's Guide to Trance-formation

Tone:

Half university lecture, half ego-tastic rant.

Valuable for:

Step by step therapeutic devices, e.g. "Changing Feelings by Dissociation", usually in the form of a series of visualizations. I doubt that they all work as powerfully as advertised, but they're set out in good detail so you could try for yourself.

A nice glossary/manual of Ericksonian techniques at the back (which you can get from Hypnotic Realities, but not as organized - very much unlike Erickson, he is a systematizer)

Lots of powerful hypnosis advice. "the truth is, you speak in a monotone if you’re going to speak incongruently. If you speak congruently and slowly and inflect your voice downward where you give commands, people will respond much more intensely."

Bandler is the source (loudest if not the first) for a number of ideas we now teach as fact, like about the unconscious not processing negations.

Douche-o-meter (1-5):

5. I was put in mind of L. Ron Hubbard for the level of dubious self-aggrandizement: he describes himself as a mathematician and computer scientist as well as a psychologist, and he brags about curing allergies, schizophrenia, and holocaust trauma. Having tasted blood with NLP, he introduces his freshly trademarked Design Human Engineering (DHE) and Neuro-Hypnotic Repatterning (NHR). He's extraordinarily bitchy to Erickson, who Bandler asserts never did the handshake induction correctly: "Since he was paralyzed, he couldn’t have carried out the movements as smoothly and as rapidly as is required. But I do credit him with giving me the idea."

Hypnotic language example:

“You’re sitting back in the chair, your feet are on the ground, your hands in your lap . . . and you can start to feel more relaxed.”

The bottom line:

Something of a greatest hits collection from a master, who it seems is second only to Erickson in constructing the foundation for modern hypnosis - and yet before reviewing my notes, I mostly remembered the bad impression.

--

Monsters and Magical Sticks: There is no such thing as hypnosis?

- Stephen Heller and Terry Steele

Tone:

Bragging and hectoring.

Valuable for:

The message that hypnosis permeates daily life and interaction - at least by their definition of hypnosis as "any transaction and communication that causes an individual to go into their own experiences and call upon their own imagination in order to respond". They write:

hypnosis is a form of education. Ideas, beliefs, possibilities, fantasies, and much more, may be “suggested” and, if accepted, and acted upon several times, they may become a conditioned part of your behavior.

The authors argue that we spend most of our lives reacting in an unconscious way. To be more functional we have to learn to detect these patterns, and when necessary, break them.  

A lot of interesting material about people's different modalities (e.g. visual, auditory), and the idea that therapeutic ends can be reached by moving people between modalities. This is one of a number of specific technical procedures that are described, as in Bandler's book.

Douch-o-meter (1-5):

5. Full of hero psychiatrist stories, more dubious than the other books. There are soberly presented anecdotes about parental mistreatment causing someone to become a homosexual (when, after playing doctor with a girl, a boy is beaten, he learns "It is bad to do this with girls, but it is OK to do it with boys.") or a slut (when a girl told her mother "no", her mother said, "Don’t you ever say ‘No’!" so now she can't say no to men) And this from a book published in 1987! And these authors may be the two unfunniest people in the world: "I am now going to go out on a limb. I hope that you will refrain from sawing it off while I am perched upon it." Finally, I consider their attempts to use to use dumb NLP devices on the reader extremely tacky. ("You may wish...now...to utilize the above example..." etc)

Hypnotic language example:

"Can you remember a time you took a ride by yourself and really enjoyed the scenery or a time you were working on your hobby and felt pleased. That's a nice feeling isn't it."

The bottom line:

Read to me like a photocopy of a photocopy of Erickson, except nearly illiterate (a chapter title is "Reality...Really???"), but with something to say about the unconscious.

--

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Hypnosis

- Roberta Temes

Tone:

Basic, and reassuring.

Valuable for:

A lot of basic information that checks out with everything else I've read and experienced. It's a curious book for how it specifically tells you not to hypnotize people (not without a degree of some kind), and yet provides step-by-step instructions that would help to do it. But ostensibly the focus is on self-hypnosis, and on preparing you for a visit to a hypnotherapist (and incidentally promoting hypnotherapy). So there's much that is useful for pre-talk.

There's a lot of nice imagery and language for guiding someone in a positive way, and more accessible Erickson than maybe can be found anywhere else. There's definitely an emphasis on writing and word choice, since her approach involves constructing a script alongside the client and then just reading it to them in trance. While I have doubts whether simply giving someone a list of suggestions like this could really change their longterm behaviour, I like how this collaboration process emphasizes trust and consent.

I like that unlike every other hypnosis book I've read, the author mentions scientific experiments to support certain points - of course this is of limited value without citations. (in some cases she provides a name and affiliation, which would usually be enough to look up the study)

Since the theme of the book is, "hypnosis can help with a lot of things", there's material about how to approach bad habits, work patterns, medical procedures, parenting, social anxiety, and more, that I haven't found anywhere else.

Doucho-o-meter (1-5): 2.

Only a little - there's a part at the end of the book where, after scaring her readers away from amateur and stage hypnotists throughout, she gives a list of her hypnotherapist friends, including their office phone numbers. But in general it's warm and helpful. There are chapters on very questionable topics, like past life regression, but she adds an appropriate amount of disclaimers. She does tell a few "hero psychiatrist" tales - I wish one of these books would talk about problem solving with a client, where the first thing doesn't necessarily work. Even with as much hypnosis as I've done I know she's leaving out a lot.

Hypnotic language example:

Have you noticed how

tranquil

the ocean is today?

The bottom line:

Not a bad first book about hypnosis, both for hypnotists and people who want to be hypnotized. For more advanced practitioners, if you can look past the title, the dumb cartoons, and all the other busy affectations of the "Complete Idiot's" editorial style, there are some fresh perspectives.

--

The Easy Way to Stop Smoking

- Allen Carr

Tone:

Happy fast-talking 1950s salesman, with something actually helpful to sell.

Valuable for:

A wonderful case study in suggestive language, creating expectations, and reframing, all employed in the "shotgun" approach also described by Erickson. Carr didn't know what approach would stick with a given reader, so he fires off all of them, so many ways of hitting his core messages:  quitting is easy; you don't like cigarettes since they're gross, you're just addicted to nicotine; and you will love being a non-smoker. Personal stories, powerful sensory images, semi-scientific facts, and straight up commands.

He uses many devices us students of hypnosis will recognize. The biggest one is his instruction to keep smoking while reading it, and not stop smoking before you reach the end. Which of course is an implicit suggestion that you will stop smoking when you finish the book.

Douche-o-meter (1-5):

2. Although this book is full of promotions for other products of his, and disses of other approaches to quitting smoking, Carr is so full of genuine joy and enthusiasm that it's infectious (which is kind of how the book works). He literally encourages you to say to yourself, "YIPPEE! I’M A NON-SMOKER!" I also enjoyed his old timey language, as in "All smokers know in their heart of hearts that they are mugs."

Hypnotic language example:

"Go to a party, and rejoice in the fact that you do not have to smoke. It will quickly prove to you the beautiful truth that life is so much better without cigarettes."

The bottom line:

Well worth a look - especially if you're trying to quit smoking.

[glitterrhowell]

Chapter 31

title: Seized

Co-author: fadingcrystalvoid

Pairing:  Daniel Howell & AmazingPhil (Phan

Word count: 1.6k

Warning/Genre: Rape/extreme violence/ depression/PTSD/Degradation/torture/ Non-consensual pretty much everything/Little!Dan/Daddy!Phil/Kidnapping

Summary: It started out as a fun day at the park but it ended in terror. Phil takes his little Dan to the park and while Phil is not looking, Dan suddenly gets kidnapped. What will happen to Dan? Will Phil ever see his boyfriend again? Did Phil have something to do with it? Heavy trigger warning

Read on Ao3

Read on Wattpad

Since learning from Phil the reason Dan had reacted so badly to the water, Lela had been keeping an even closer eye on him than normal. It was found out by one of the nurses that apparently this whole time Dan had been in the hospital he had been skipping showers in favor of just washing up in the sink in the bathroom instead. Dan may have been stuck in little mindset, but Lela had to give it to him—he wasn’t stupid. In fact, he’d managed to keep it hidden a lot longer then he should have been.

Dan was still refusing to go anywhere near the shower, but it was something they were working on. In the beginning, she hadn't been able to figure out why he had a problem with the sprinklers and the showers but not the water that came out of the sink, however, she eventually came to the conclusion that it probably had something to do with how the torture was administered. She’d allowed herself a small pat on the back at working out the reasoning behind his fears before the facts were handed to her.

Other than being afraid of the water and the showering problem, Dan was actually doing exceptionally well in his therapy. Dan remembered most of what had happened during the first and second kidnapping and had painted a pretty clear picture for Lela of what had happened. After finally learning the details of the kidnappings she had contacted the police, but they were still pretty adamant that Dan was lying, and that Phil was the real mastermind. She completely regretted contacting the police about Phil though, because she knew—or at least hoped—that he hadn’t had anything to do with any of this. But after a few sessions with her own therapist she realized what she did had been right at the time, and she had Dan's best interest in mind.  

~~~~~~

“So Dan, how are we today?”

“Good!” he answered back happily.

It had become more common to see Dan happy recently. He still had episodes of uncontrollable sobbing or fits of rage—especially after he was told for the millionth time that he could not see Phil—but it had gotten better. Coping skills were something that Lela had been working the hardest on recently, which is probably why Dan seemed much happier. After exploring many different avenues they discovered that Dan responded extremely well to coloring. He currently carried paper and crayons with him everywhere he went, and when he started to feel sad or upset, he’d draw what was troubling him as Lela had instructed. It seemed to do the trick and it has also helped his general therapy progress.

“Do you have any new pictures for me today Dan?” She asked after noticing that he had a few pieces of paper in his hands.

“Yeah, I drew these for you today.”

She took the pages from Dan and flicked through them. Most of were pretty normal pictures of Dan being separated from Phil, but the last one caught her attention. It was a picture of what looked like Dan. He was in what she assumed to be the room he had been kept in one of his kidnappings, but instead of being alone there was another person in the room with him. The drawing was crude and messier than the others, making it hard to distinguish any details.

“Is this Sir?” she asked Dan, pointing to the picture.

Dan shook his head no.

“Well who is it then Dan?” she asked him, confused as to who else it would be.

“I can’t tell you.” he mumbled.

Lela frowned, a bit uneasy at his refusal. “Why can’t you tell me Danny?” she asked, using his nickname in a hope that it would get him to open up.

Dan looked absolutely terrified. “Sir’s said I’m never allowed to talk about it or I would go away just like he did,” Dan whispered.  

It was then that it hit Lela: Dan may not have been Conray and Kide's first or only kidnapping.

She brought her suspicion up to the police and they said they would look into it, but she could tell that they thought she was lying. She had actually been so frustrated with the lack of interest with the police she had actually blown up and shouted at the police officer, which only resulted in him threatening to have her arrested. She continued to try and get more information from Dan, but he refused to acknowledge her when she brought the subject up. But despite the lack of information from Dan, his therapy was still going strong. They had reached the point where he would shower if the spray was very light—more of a mist than anything. The moment it was turned up, however, he would react the same way he had in the canteen.

As well as the small progress with the water he had also made progress in other areas. He was now finally realizing that he didn’t need to be hurt every time someone was upset with him or when he did something wrong. He had also seemed to begin grasping the concept that what had happened to him was not his fault. He still had his bad days where he refused to believe it was anyone’s fault but his, but those days were slowly becoming less and less frequent.  

She hadn’t been able to contact Phil to let him know of Dan’s progress but had been assured by Phil’s mother that she would pass the information along to him. And since Dan was doing so well, Lela thought that he might be able to go home within the next few months provided he continued to do well with his therapy. It had been arranged with Phil’s mum that Dan would be going to stay with her when he did.

This had been decided after a very heated and unpleasant conversation Lela had had with Dan’s own parents; they were under the same assumption of the police that Dan was faking his regression and lying about the whole thing. In fact, they had even had the nerve to tell her that Dan deserved what he had gotten for being the way that he was. The conversation didn’t go anywhere after that as Lela had promptly kicked them out of her office after those ridiculous words.  

She had not heard from them nor had they come back to visit Dan after that. Not that she would have let them see him if they would have shown up, that is. She was afraid it would send him spiraling back and undo the progress they had made. They had made so much good progress that Lela hoped that she could bring Dan out of his regressed state with hypnosis. They weren't quite there yet, but if things kept going like they were, it was a very possible future.

~~~~~

Lela sighed as she walked through the front doors of the hospital. God was she tired . She had ended up staying late last night because one of her other patients, Rick, had tried to commit suicide.  

“Morning Kelly.” She smiled at the young woman behind the nurses’ reception desk.

“Morning Doctor!” she said much too enthusiastically for an early morning like this, but Lela just smiled back, pretending she didn’t want to turn around and go back home to the comfort of her bed.

“How many times have I told you to call me Lela, Kelly,” she teased at the younger.  

“Sorry Doctor- I mean Lela. Most doctors get upset when you use anything other than Doctor when talking to them.”

Lela sighed again—she knew several doctors that thought they were above everyone else and were adamant that they should be treated as such.

“Well, I’m ok with you calling me Lela.”

“Ok Lel-”  

“We have a thirty-one-year-old man with severe head trauma and possible internal bleeding coming into the ambulance bay!” a nurse said, poking her head from around the corner. “They need all the help they can get—come on!”

Kelly sprang into action. “Sorry I have to go!” She sprinted off towards the ambulance bay.

Things like this were normal in a hospital, and even though she was a psychiatric doctor she had still seen her fair share of A&E horrors. Normally she would continue on her way up to her office, but something in her gut told her to stay.

Lela followed the direction the nurses had taken to the ambulance bay but found the new patient being rushed into a surgery room. There were several doctors and nurses that started to frantically work on the young man on the table. Lela tried to get a proper glimpse of the man's face, but was unable to between how fast he was being wheeled away from her and the damage was done to his face. From what she could see the man was lucky to be alive—there wasn’t an inch of skin that wasn’t covered in bruises or blood—he looked absolutely horrific.

“What's the patient's name?” the nurse taking information asked.

“His name’s Philip Lester,” a police officer said, attempting to walk into the room.

“Sir you can’t be back here!” one of the nurses shouted at him.

“This man is coming from penitentiary; it’s my job to stay with him.”

“This man is being prepped for emergency surgery. No outside personnel is allowed in the surgery room. If you want to wait outside you can, but I need you to leave..” she said, pushing him out of the room on her way to fetch something for one of the doctors. The officer grumbled, but he didn't try to enter again and stood off to the side with who was probably his partner.

Lela couldn’t believe her ears; Phil? She attempted to get a better look but was blocked by a nurse.  

“Fucking faggot deserved it.” She heard one of the police officers say to the other.

His uniform identified him as Officer White. She wondered if he had had anything to do with this.