#i feel like being high isnt even an excuse here i just did something stupid. i didnt even fucking think about what i was saying

[redphrite]

I think I fucked up really bad

[quirklessidiot]

title : cigarettes and parfaits [3] pairing : older!nanami kento x younger!reader [13 year age gap, ft toji fushiguro] Genre: romance, fluff, slice of life, josei, angst, comedy, strangers to lovers au

Summary: you’re pretty sure you’d remember marrying a man 13 years older than you, right?

Warnings: alcohol, smoking, mild smut, y/n making stupid decisions, everyones a human-au so yeh non-canon stuff and everyone’s happy (periODT) i keep forgeting to add that this isnt beta-rread..all of my stories arent so yeah shshs Notes: ah, i feel like this story will be lengthen more than 8-10 chapters shshshs i wanted to add a little spice anyways thanks for all the comments uwu ily all!

Masterlist || taglist || [prev ; next] [updates; every saturday!]

“Y/N-chan!!!”

You cringe in embarrassment as soon as you hear that awfully familiar and cheerful voice, you could barely remember this man and the events that transpired the night before but here he was, acting like your new best friend. You weren’t even sure if you wanted to go here but you needed clarity. Surely you didn’t just legally marry a man at an Izakaya out of all places last night?

“Oh, you actually did marry him.” Gojo Satoru proclaims as soon as you take a seat across him, he gestures around his face, “I could tell by your whole, ‘I hope this guy is messing with me’ face. You have it, signed and sealed. Even got the cute matchy rings that I had one of my assistants delivered.”

You pale at the thought of his assistant coming in with a silver ring. Wasn’t he sober? How could he not have stopped you two from doing something as reckless and stupid as this? Weren’t older men supposed to be more responsible than this?

“Why the hell didn’t you stop us?” You groaned, burying your face in your hands, embarrassment painted all over your features.

“I was just as drunk as you two.” He confessed, scratching his head, “probably even more drunk but anyways back to the topic in hand, I only remembered it when the same assistant came in and congratulated me about it. It’s good I had your number on my phone before you two bailed.”

“So you don’t really remember?”

“Bits and pieces.” Gojo grinned, this guy was a maniac, how did the serious man you met just this morning have friends like this? You probably wouldn’t even last long, “I did call Nanami-”

He’s cut off by the rough sound of someone pulling a chair out, you immediately jump on your seat when you realize it’s Nanami Kento, the guy from this morning. The man you had recklessly married!

“This better be some prank you’re pulling, Satoru.” His voice was anything but kind that you almost wanted to hide behind Gojo’s back.

“Hey, hey.” Gojo raises his hands, “Don’t look at me. I didn’t force you into anything and stop scaring your poor little partner.”

Nanami snaps his gaze towards you and you notice how his eyes soften just a bit when he sees your red ears and your eyes looking away from him, “You better call Geto and fucking fix this, I refuse to bother this young-”

“It’s fine.” You cut him off, still shy and red, “It’s...fine...I just…Please don’t think I’m burdened by it. It was technically my fault for even agreeing immediately.”

Nanami clenches his jaw and turns away, “Nevertheless. L/N-san’s young. I hope to not be such an uncouth man like you.” he retorts, voice sharp as he eyes the white-haired businessman up and down. Gojo, seemingly used to it, rolls his eyes behind his dark shades.

“Maybe you guys should try it out.”

The blonde man looks like he’s about to smite the white-haired man out of existence yet Satoru remains oblivious to his friend’s gaze, “Don’t ya think so? It will take a while for those divorce papers to settle in so why don’t you two go out and get to know each other? Who knows…” he sing-songs the last part and Nanami is so close to chunking his briefcase towards the tall businessman, not even caring 

“Ah, he’s not exactly wrong, Nanami-san.” you try to calm him down, placing a small hand on his broad shoulder.

“Don’t tell me you’re actually listening to this idiot’s idea.” Nanami replied, gaze narrowing.

“Not really but you have some problems I can help you out on and I have problems that you can help me out on...Of course, the last say is on you...”

“Told you I actually had a brain.” Satoru piped in.

“Shut up, Satoru.” he quips, then turns to you, “I’m thirteen years older than you, L/N-san. I have two high school kids that could pass off as your siblings, and-”

“Well, I technically did marry you.”

“You were drunk.”

“Doesn’t exactly really excuse it.” You laugh nervously, “The whole divorce process usually lasts up to a few months, some even takes a whole year. I could help you out with the boys and I can use you to ward my family off from moving back home.”

Nanami is quiet for a moment, actually thinking about it. Weighing the pros and the cons, not only would you be able to help him out but you’d also be able to get Gojo and blind-dating out of his back.

There really wasn’t anything he could loose, really.

“Or you two might fall in love.” Satoru teases, making Nanami throw him another side-eye, as if saying ‘I dare you to say another word.’

It’s a Thursday today and Sukuna absolutely loathed Thursdays     apparently because it reminded him of Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays. They all were far from the weekend     Everyone seems to be happier than usual though. Maybe it was because you were there teaching some basic shit at the board or something.

“...and if we transfer this here and change the positive to a negative, you’ll end up having five as your answer.” You smile, placing your chalk down, “Does anyone have any questions?”

Echoes of no’s resonated throughout the room.

“Alright then, let’s end the lesson here so you guys can have an early lunch. I don’t think an assignment is in order since many of you were able to get a perfect score in the activity awhile ago.” You winked. A couple of whoops resonated throughout the whole class right after. 

As the kids shuffle out of the room of the class, Sukuna remains behind. The ojisan had cooked them something delicious this morning and he wanted to eat it in peace without that pesky Nobara grabbing a share from his bento and Yuuji’s annoying babbles about horror movies with his best friend Junpei (the only one who was really bearable was Megumi, really)

“Sukuna-kun?” you called out, snapping him out of his small trance,  “Are you alright?”

He notices a glint of worry in your eyes, he had to admit since his transfer here last Monday, you were the least annoying teacher in the academy     the blue-haired professor in Japanese literature was absolute shit since he loved to tease him a lot and that bald-headed teacher in science who looked a lot like Mike Wazowski was an annoying twerp who loved dawdling in him and Yuuji’s business     and you were kind of good at your job. Not only did his idiot of a brother stop coming to him and their ojisan for help in math but he could actually do the worksheets right and get an actual decent grade at it.

“Yeah.” he roughly replies.

“That’s good.” You smiled, he watched as you bind their worksheets together and clip them in utmost delicacy, “You should head to the cafeteria now, I heard they’re serving milk bread today.”

Without saying anything more, you left the room, leaving him there in the silence.

Well, the Christmas tree idiot was right.

You kind of had a motherly aura on you and it didn’t even look forced.

No wonder, everyone in this room was whipped for you despite your subject being a pain in the ass.

“You look like an idiot.” You mumbled as you slapped Mahito’s hand away in annoyance, your workmate wiggling his eyebrows like the little shit he is.

You completely forgot you did have someone like Gojo Satoru in your life and it was one of your co-workers, Mahito, a Japanese literature teacher who was too nosy for his own good.

“You’ve got a ring on your ring finger and a mailman comes in and gives you an invite for Zen’in Toji’s fortieth birthday.” he whistles, “Even Jogo-sensei gossiped by the water cooler awhile ago, saying that you had eloped with the man. Not that I’m judging you or anything...”

You choke on your saliva, clearly thrown off by the backhanded comment. That darn bald-headed fool that looked like the green eyed monster from the DreamWorks cartoon, he sure needed to lay off the gossip and actually focus on his job as the head of the science department, “You’re not denying it.” Mahito stated, narrowing his eyes in suspicion, “Why aren’t you denying it?”

“I’m not dating Megumi-kun’s father.” You grumbled, finishing up your paperwork, “That man is off limits.”

“Right,” he drawls on sarcastically, “...because you have a strict rule against dating hot older men with money.”

“I also teach his kids and his cousin…” You deadpan.

“We don’t even have a rule against that.” He retorts, rolling his eyes, “If we did, Hanami-sensei would’ve been fired a long time ago.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“And you’re so secretive. If it isn’t Toji Zen’in, who’d ask you out?”

“Hey, I do have a man.” You huffed, “and he’s very kind and considerate...”

The image of the tall and lean man sleeping next to you slowly wormed its way back from your memory and you feel your cheeks start to flush. Good god, what were you? twelve? How embarrassing.

You needed to get that image off of your head, it wasn’t right.

It was all temporary, anyways and he doesn’t even see you in that sort of way-

“Yes, I’m Sukuna and Yuuji Itadori’s guardian…” a very familiar stoic voice could be heard from the nearby table, cutting your thoughts short. Wait, were you so head over heels for the man that you started imagining him here? Yuuji and Sukuna’s guardian? Wait a minute.

All color drained from your face as you snap your head behind you to find the same man you were imagining.

Oh no.

Oh no, indeed.

There stood Nanami Kento in all his glory;  crisp suit, stoic face, and eyes laced with mild worry.

“...L/N-sensei is Sukuna-kun’s adviser, by the way. It would be best to discuss this with them.” Akari somberly informed the man, turning to your direction. You don’t miss the shift of expressions when he sees you standing there.

Your mouth parts and you know you look like gawking fish trapped in a small aquarium.

“Akari-sensei’s looking at you with the new hot daddy.” Mahito mumbles next to you, eyeing him up and down, “Definitely wonder where all these old men come from these days.”

You were only half-listening to your co-worker because your head was all over the place, just what were the odds that he was the guardian of the new transferee’s? Just how awkward would everything be? Why did it even have to be at this school out of all places?

Never ending questions pop out of your head as you approached them, “Good afternoon, Nanami-san.” Your smile comes out very stiff and awkward while you hold your hand out for him to shake, clearly there was no memo on how you were suppose to act around your sort-of-fake-husband-whos-kids-you-actually-taught.

Nanami reverts back to his stoic expression as he clears his throat, “Yes, good afternoon to you too, L/N-sensei.” he greets, maintaining a straight-laced tone.

“Akari-sensei says that Sukuna has been quite...rude...in class…” you try to rack your brains up to describe his kid.

“Your son literally pointed out that the history lesson I was teaching was fake and that I should study again so he could get his tuition’s worth.” Akari looks clearly perplexed and ready to throttle the boy if it was legal. You had to admit, Sukuna went overboard with that insult.

You knew how passionate Nitta was about her job and what Sukuna just said to her was like a big ‘fuck you, you suck.’ to her.

“I’ll be sure to talk to him about this,” he sighs, bowing down, “I’d like to ask for forgiveness for that, the boy is a good and smart student-”

“Nanami-san, the school not only cares about grades but character as well.” Akari Nitta sighed, cutting him off, “I’ll let this slide once, if he does that again, it goes on the record.”

You internally bit your cheek, still trying to process everything that was going on.

“I understand. Thank you for that.”

“I’ll walk him out, sensei.” You immediately say soon after, wanting to have some alone time with him, “Let’s go, Nanami-san.”

You walk right next to him silently, some students peerlessly glancing at the tall blonde next to you but you were too immersed in thought to notice the stares, “Nanami-san?” you ask softly as soon as you reach the exit.

Nanami Kento looks at you, his eyes still laced with a bit of worry, “It’s okay.” you silently comforted him, “Just talk to him calmly.”

“That’s not the problem.” he sighed, “I just didn’t expect that the person I married would be the boy’s teacher.”

You sweat drop, “Aren’t you worried about talking to Sukuna? I mean, he literally just disrespected a teacher and you said that he and you weren’t in good-”

“It’s easier to talk to him about that rather than…” he paused, showing his ring, “this.”

You blinked.

Seemed like Nanami knew what to say about the little attitude problem his son had, “So you must be used to this?” you asked, “Him disrespecting the teacher?”

You notice the shift of expressions on his face, you had only known this man for a few days so far but he was starting to get easier to read. His eyes shed more emotion than his face, no wonder he likes wearing those funny sunglasses a lot.

“It’s something I’ve scolded him over a couple of times,” he gruffed, trying to dance around the subject, it seemed like he had such a soft spot to the point where he had a problem with disciplining them, “At times I believe it’s just because he’s way too smart for his age. The boy has read history books for fun when he was a kid and solved quadratic equations to prove that he’s better than me when he was ten.”

“It still doesn’t give him the free pass to say things like that to a teacher”

“I know,” he acknowledged, “I’ll be sure to give him a better scolding-”

“No, you see. This is why he thinks he can get away with it. He isn’t afraid of you. You’ll only probably tell him that you can’t do that.” you frown, crossing your arms, “You do know that not all sensei’s are as nice as Akari-sensei and he could get in trouble for that even more in the future, right?”

Silence lingered between you two for a moment and suddenly you realize that you must’ve said something way off the rails.

“I..” you turn red, embarrassed by the sudden outburst, “That was too much, wasn’t it?”

You look at him directly in the eye, the worry-filled ones are now replaced with a softer gaze. God, he really needed to stop looking at you like a kid. It would only make this set-up more awkward!

“No,” he mumbles, “It...It wasn't too much…”

“Oh.” you cleared your throat, flustered and looking away from his face, “Well, okay then goodbye then Nanami-sa-”

You needed to get out of this conversation quick.

“Kento.”

Your gaze snaps directly towards him, clearly taken aback by the correction.

“What?”

“We’re technically married now, right?” he softly corrected, “Call me Kento.”

“Oh,” You uttered again, this time softly. You looked down on your shoes, it seemed like the floor looked really interesting now, “Then bye-bye, Kento.”

“Bye Y/N.”

He leaves you standing there, cursing yourself because of your erratic heartbeat at the way he says your name in that voice. First name basis? okay, totally normal for sort-of lovers, right?

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[brelione]

And It Felt Great To Be A Liar (700 Celebration)

Ok so I based this off of this prompt:Hi there! I hope you’re doing well. I just have a request for JJ maybank. Would you be able to write one where y/n is apart of the kooks and is dating Rafe and Jj and her hate eachother. One day everyone is at a party and JJ and y/n are fighting with eachother as usual in a bedroom and he pins her against the wall and all of a sudden they start kissing eachother and they end up having really rough sex against the wall or a desk in the room with lots of dirty talk, choking and JJ making y/n admit he fucks her better than her boyfriend and gets her to beg for him If you have any time to write it I would be very appreciative, thank you so much x 

and it really fit with the poll results for the celebration so enjoy this master piece <3

Warnings:Choking, Spanking, Bondage, Sub and Dom behavior, cheating, no condom, degrading, swearing.

Rafe’s arms were around your waist, his hot breath fanning against your neck as he nipped at the skin. “We should stay here tonight.”He suggested, his hands moving to the hem of your shirt, his hands slipping under the thin material and onto your skin.

 “We cant, we already told Kelce and Top that we’d show.”You reminded him, peeling his hands away from you. He pouted, grabbing his keys. “Fine, we’ll play later.”He winked, opening his door and going down the stairs, shouting a goodbye to Wheezie and flipping off his dad.

 You cringed at his words, not looking forward to coming back after the party. You were getting bored of Rafe, there was really only so much of his drama that you could take. You were hoping he’d get bored of you soon too or maybe even move on to someone else and forget about you.

 But you stayed anyways, hoping he’d become less boring or maybe you’d stay around long enough to truly mean something to him. You followed him, sitting in the passengers seat of his truck. It reeked of alcohol and weed, his hand gipping your thigh. You rolled your eyes, looking out the window as he drove. 

“What are you thinking about, pretty girl?”He asked. You hummed, not replying. You grabbed his hand, resting your elbow on the arm rest. There wasnt much to look forward to these days. Nothing new, nothing fun, nothing interesting. The kook life got so boring so quick. 

Your only options on most days were to go golfing, shopping or a party if you were lucky. Everything was blurred together, feeling the exact same.He lifted his hand, pulling yours with it before pressing a kiss to your hand. It was a romantic gesture that you werent used to. 

He was like this at the beginning of the relationship, the romance slowly fading away as he became more obsessed with you instead of loving you. He was trying his best to convince you that he still loved you but you knew that you were just holding on to broken pieces at this point, wishing you had something different. 

You could hear the crashing of the waves, lifting your head and widening your eyes for a moment. The party was at Kelce’s beach house that wasnt really a house, it was really just a second mansion. You grinned at Rafe, sliding your phone in your pocket before hopping out of the truck, biting your tongue when he squeezed your ass.

 “Im gonna go look for Sar, okay?”You asked. He nodded, pulling you in for a quick kiss, watching as you jogged up the stairs. You could feel him watching you, slipping into a hallway and hoping for the best. You were sure that Sarah wasnt even at this party, it wasnt really her type of place. 

Sure, she was a party girl but even this was too much. You figured you should just lay low until Rafe was busy catching up with Kelce and Topper that he wouldnt notice if you went ot get yourself a drink. You werent in the mood for him to drag you over to his friend group and start bragging. 

You tested each door knob, searching for a bedroom or a bathroom for you to sit in for a while, grinning once one of them finally turned.      As soon as you were in the room you closed it behind you, locking it because you didnt feel like having your alone time interrupted by some drunk couple. 

As soon as you turned around you regretted it, seeing noone other than JJ Maybank shirtless in the middle of the room. He was staring back at you, stuck in place. You and JJ had problems that dated back to eighth grade. He had gotten into a huge fight with a kook and you were the only witness, watching as the boy hit JJ repeatedly in the ribs.

 JJ had eventually won the fight, blood running from his nose and staining his shirt, a layer of sweat covering his face as he stared at you. Since then he had nothing but anger and hate for you, giving you dirty looks in public and talking shit about you at parties. Of course you always found out about it. 

How he called you a whore, a gold digger and a bitch.  “Get out.”Was all he had to say, tossing his shirt onto the floor in the corner. It made a slight sloshing sound and you could only assume that he had bumped into someone and got something spilled on him. Or maybe he had been a bitch and got something thrown at him. 

“No.”You replied, staring back at him with a glare. He matched your energy, jaw clenching as he looked you up and down. “What are you hiding from, (Y/N)? You maniac of a boyfriend?”He asked, causing your blood to boil. Of course he was right but you’d never admit it. And of course Rafe was an absolute maniac but so was JJ and all of his friends.

 “He’s not a maniac, JJ.”You replied, knowing that it didnt sound right. You had never been great at lying. “Aww, thats cute that you try to stick up for your crazy boyfriend? If hes not a fucking maniac then explain what he did to Pope and I. You think a sane person would do that?”He asked.

 You stared back at him, biting the inside of your cheek as you tried to think of something to say. He shook his head, chuckling. “See, you cant even defend him anymore. God, I hope he fucking dumps your ass!”he exclaimed, letting out a sigh. You gulped, staring at him.

 “Shut up!”You shouted in response, only making him smirk. “Face it, (Y/N)!The boy you call your boyfriend is a shitty, disgusting person. You’re so much worse for being with him!”He shouted back at you. “Excuse me?”You asked, somehow surprised that he would say it to your face. 

“Come on, (Y/N). You’re not that fucking stupid. He’s using you and you know it. But you like being used, dont you?”He asked, causing you to go silent. For once you didnt know what to do or what to say. He was getting closer to you, gripping your wrists and pushing you against the door in a swift movement, your back hitting the wood hard. 

His eyes stayed on you, raising an eyebrow. “Answer the question, princess.”He demanded. You stared back at him, feeling his grip tighten. “Sometimes.”You replied, not wanting to give him the satisfaction he craved. 

“Dont lie to yourself, sweetheart. You’re a little maniac that likes to be used.”He spoke into your ear, leaning down and kissing you roughly.You were struggling to keep up, so much happening so fast. His hands were under your shirt, sloppy kisses being dragged up and down your neck. 

“Do you want me?”He asked you, fingernails digging into your skin. You nodded eagerly, feeling a sense of relief when he pulled you over and onto the bed, glad that you werent trapped against the wood surface. He didnt let you lay down, pushing you onto your knees as you stared up at him. 

He guided one of your hands to his belt, making you press against him before letting go, biting his lip as you palmed him through his pants, carefully undoing his belt with slightly shaky hands. 

He let you take your time, grinning at how nervous he made you, watching you struggle with his zipper. He chuckled, pushing you back and undoing his pants, getting on top of you, parting your legs. “Does Rafe make you this nervous?”He asked, seeming pleased with himself. 

You shook your head, not sure you could answer properly. He grinned, kissing you again. He lifted your shirt over your head quickly, tossing it. “Im flattered that I have such an effect on you.”He muttered, tugging your shorts off, his hand wrapping around your neck not soon after. 

His blue eyes were staring into you, squeezing harder for a moment. He was testing how much you could take, his thumb pressing into a spot right below your jaw. His hand dragged from your neck to the end of your hair, tugging harshly and causing you to let out a low shout. 

He chuckled, letting go and unclasping your bra. “There’s so many things I could do to you…. We’ve got four hours until Rafe remembers you…..”He muttered, tugging down your underwear and keeping your thighs open with his hands, settling between them. 

“Can you last four hours?”He asked. You nodded, moaning when his tongue slid through your folds. He chuckled, his fingernails leaving little crescent moons into your skin as he lapped at your entrance. You already already shaking from his tongue alone, your hands going to his hair and whimpering when he pulled away. 

“No, no, princess. You dont get to touch me.”He told you, grabbing his belt off the floor. “Give me your wrists.”He told you, grinning when you put them out for him. He had so much power over you, holding your wrists to the headboard and securing them with the belt. He settled back between your thighs, his tongue darting in and out of you, pressing his thumb against your clit. 

He could feel you were about to get close, pulling away before you could reach your high. You whined, moving against the belt. “What? You dont like that, princess?”He asked, moving up again so that his nose was against yours. “JJ, please.”You whispered, thinking that maybe he would change even just for a moment when he kissed you. 

“Not. A. Chance.”He replied. “This isnt fair!”You exclaimed, moaning again when he licked your nipple. “Not fair?”He asked, beginning to suck. He moved his hand up to pinch your other nipple, rolling his thumb over it. “I think its pretty fair, (Y/N).”He replied, turning you over so that your stomach was against the mattress and you had to turn your head to breathe properly. His palm collided with your ass, sending a shock through your body. 

“You okay?”He asked, moving your hair aside and pressinga  kiss to you cheek. He was only calm for a moment before he smacked you again, making you take a shaky breath. “Anthony hit me twelve times….you get fifteen. Count.”He told you, rubbing your ass before lifting up his hand again, the hit making a loud noise.

 “One.”You whispered, squeezing your eyes shut as he hit you again. You’d never let Rafe do this to you. You didnt like most things Rafe did especially in the bedroom. He just couldnt do what you wanted and if he did he just couldnt do it well. You didnt know when you got to ten, tears streaming down your cheeks. “JJ…. I dont think I can take more.”You sobbed. 

He took in a deep breath, leaning down. “Hmm…. you’re doing so good, princess. Only five more left, promise I wont be too rough.”He whispered, his fingertips grazing over your thighs, waiting for an answer. You nodded, biting your lip as you waited, his palm hitting you again but not nearly as hard as the others. He spanked you again, rubbing the area after carefully. 

You werent too worried anymore, whispering after he hit you the last time. He gave you a moment to recover, his fingers rubbing your thigh and sides, kissing your shoulder. He turned you over a few moments later, staring down at you. He pressed a kiss to your lips, the act much more gentle than before. 

He pulled away after a second, his hand back at your throat as he pushed into you. You gasped, your head falling against the pillows as he bottomed out. He chuckled, tugging at your hair and forcing your head back some more, leaning down and nipping at your shoulder, only letting go when you whimpered. 

It wasnt hard enough for you to bleed but his teeth left imprints in your skin, a satisfied smile on his face before he sped up. “Does Rafe fuck you like this?”He asked, hitting a spot so deep inside of you that you hadnt even known that it existed. You moaned loudly, feeling him tug your hair again. 

“JJ!”You shouted from the pain against your scalp. “Answer the question.”He told you. You licked your lips, an idea sparking in your mind. “Rafe’s better.”You lied. He looked down at you, fingers pressing hard against your neck. “You want me to stop? You wanna go back to Rafe?”He asked, thrusting in and out of you. You shook your head quickly, wrapping your legs around his torso.

 “Thats what I though, you fucking liar.”He muttered, slowing when he heard a knock at the door. “Anyone in there?”A voice shouted. It was Rafe’s. “Make a sound and im done with you.”He told you, picking up the pace. 

“Rafe, man. Im busy!”He shouted. You bit your lip, closing your eyes and trying your best not to make any noises. You heard a loud groan before heavy footsteps thumped down the hall. JJ chuckled, noticing your relief. “Aww, the poor slut doesnt wanna go back to her boyfriend.”He grinned, biting your neck again. 

You knew Rafe would see the marks but you didnt really care, eyes widening as you clenched around JJ. He let go of you, pulling out and cumming on your bare stomach. He panted, kissing you gently before freeing your wrists, kissing the skin gently. For someone who hated you he was being surprisingly sweet, especially after what just happened.

 It didnt last long before he got up and put his clothes back on, your suspicions confirmed when you noticed a large stain across his shirt. “See you around, kook.”He winked at you before leaving the room. You laid down on the bed, pain running through your body. You felt guilty for feeling so good, your wrists stinging slightly and your heart dropping when you realised Rafe would see.

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Prove Me Wrong

M!Reader x Oikawa

a/n: SDKLFJSLDKFJDLSKF OKAY I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I LAST UPDATED BUT I REALLY INVESTED MY TIME INTO RESEARCHING AND READING FANFICS WITH AN M!READER BC I REALLY DIDNT WANNA GET IT WRONG SO I APOLOGIZE IF I DID SOMETHING WRONG AND I HOPE THIS ANON LIKES IT!!!

anon:

-heres an interesting thought. what about flamboyant oikawa with a cold boyfriend😳😳

YEYYY I FINALLY UPDATED

LETS GET STARTED SHALL WE?

okayokayokay

so in the request above

this is a m!reader

meaning you will be male in this one so hehe yep the story starts now

you are,,,

distant

and cold

but its mainly just because you were,,,

too tired to actually put in the effort of socializing

between bouncing between part-time jobs to care for your siblings and to schoolwork and book club

the mans can only do so much

so you spend most of your time in school just trying to catch up on sleep bc youre too busy studying up all night for exams since yanno

✨gRaDuaATiOn✨

unfortunately for you, your class had the famous manwhore oikawa tooru

why is that a bad thing?

well, imagine just trying to get some shut eye and suddenly, you just hear a bunch of screaming girls and it gets louder the closer the guy approaches your classroom and when he opens it,

the screams become 10x bass boosted

then imagine that with your sensitive hearing

now,,

it does bother you but it wouldnt bother you as much if he told them to leave

BUT NOOOOOO

he decides to let them in and chat with them and flatter them and continue with that bs until the bell rings

even then,

the girls in your class cant help but keep giggling at him and he always whispers in that obnoxious voice and youre just like two seconds away from ripping his tongue out

now

you dont hate him

you just genuinely dislike his way of living

and the way he talks

and the way he acts

yea see?

no hate

theres a difference

then there was that one time that you got so fed up with it that when oikawa settled on his seat and the fangirls circled him like some cult

they started talking to him all at once trying to get his attention

so it was a garbled mess of sounds and you growled, burying your face deeper in your arms because you would snap really really soon

then one girl shrieked when oikawa smiled at her and then you really just let go of all bearings

your chair made a squeak as you shot up, palms slamming against the wooden desk and your eyes glaring straight at them

‘go back to the farm, ya squealing pigs’

DSKFJLSDFKJSDFKDJS SORRY I LOVE TSUMU

this made everyone silent-even the others in the class just minding their own business

they all knew you as the quiet kid who didnt really talk much but those who did were really scared at you and the way you talked to them with such a cold and monotonous voice that they started spreading rumors about you

even absurd ones like your eyes are so cold bc youve killed so many people that you have no life and empathy left

LIKE WHAT THE HECK YOU STRUGGLED TO GET A SPIDER OUT OF YOUR SISTERS ROOM THE OTHER DAY LIKE EXCUSE YOU

but apparently they were just,,, so scared of you that when you finally got done with them and bursted out, the girls started crying

YALL KNOW THE SAYING LIKE HELL HAS STARTED WHEN THE QUIET KID SNAPS

the females run out of the room scared and the others nervously looks at you

your eyes sweeped through the room and each one of them flinched when you made eye contact with them

YES ASSERT OUR DOMINANCE M/N

the only who didnt was oikawa tooru himself

your eyes landed on him and he still had that stupid smug look on his stupidly gorgeous face and you wanted to ki-WAIT NO SLAP it off of him

‘the hell you looking at?’

you grumbled at him and he just merely shook his head with a smile

‘you remind me a chihuahua, m/n-chan. so cute when its angry’

‘HAH?!’

now it isnt a surprise to hear oikawa tooru say that to a boy bc wowza the school loves him so much that hes a bi icon in seijoh and hes such a king like who cares?

but they were surprised to see you turn red, the tips of your ears to the base of your neck were all flushed

‘see? so cute, right, everyone?’

KSDFJLSDKJFS

THE NERVE OF THIS MAN

the class didnt say anything except just put their heads down bc as much as they wanted to agree with oikawa at how suddenly hot you looked, they were too scared that you might plummet their faces to the ground

maybe thats when everyone started noticing you more

again, you were very quiet, you didnt talk much, you just sat there and listened so obviously you didnt really stand out but then that outburst made you more noticeable

you started seeing girls in your class staring at you then blush and look away abashedly

then the guys in your class started greeting you, even people in the hallways

ngl the attention you suddenly got was overwhelming

especially when oikawa seemed to call out to you all the time now

as you were walking down the stairs, hed see you and he’d shout and wave to you

‘m/n-chan! hiii!!!!’

his loud voice would make everyone turn and look at you and you dont do well with public attention so you turn red and you glare at him

‘shut the hell up, idiot. and dont call me by my first name. we’re not friends’

you turned to walk in the classroom but you looked at him again after taking a few steps

there he was

smiling and giggling with those girls

all he does is smile and giggle and shit

its so damn fake that you cant believe everyone fell for it and the worst thing is oikawa’s doing it to get everyone’s acceptance and validication

it was pathetic and disgusting

poor oikawa :(

now on to baby flatttykawa side,

he was kinda hurt by that

like how the heck are you not friends when youve been going to high school for 3 years?

sure, its only been casual greetings and him waving at you when yall made eye contact

but its still something, right?

right?

when you walked back into the classroom, tooru cant help but feel down at the declaration of the lack of friendship you had

his form slouched and his eyes trailed down but the voice of some girl brought him back to where he was and to fix his attitude

‘oikawa-san? are you okay?’

the others muttered in concern with her but they were eased when he raised a peace sign with the signature smile 

‘yep! all good!’

GOD I REALLY CANT STAND IT WHEN HE USES A FACADE TO EVERYONE BUT LIKE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH BC HES SUCH A STRONG CHARACTER THAT DOESNT BREAK AND HES SO INSECURE AND IT PAINS ME SO MUCH THAT HE FEELS THE NEED TO HIDE BEHIND A MASK EVERYDAY AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

truth be told,

oikawa has always noticed you

not only do you work at the one bakery with his milk bread but you also work at the convenience store that the team sometimes visits

then he also noticed you picking up your brother from the volleyball practice that takeru’s part of and he cant help but frown at the eyebags under your eyes that he always sees

he lies awake at night just thinking how you would look without those eyebags, without the sickly looking complexion, or even just the lack of life in your eyes

then during class, you sat by the window

tooru knows this bc his eyes always fixes itself on you whenever he opens that door and he has to hold in the need to hug you when he sees you sleeping on your desk

others might call you lazy

others might call you a video game all nighter kid

but they dont notice the things you do

the nervous habits hes seen from you at the times that tooru couldnt help but stare

he knew it was creepy to do it

but you were so silent

you blended yourself into the background and you made sure to stay there 

thats why nobody knows anything about you

with good looks like yours and a smart brain (he knew this from mattsun and makki being your students), why exactly were you not known?

maybe thats why it drew you to him

all his life he chased, 

but now hes the one chasing?

tooru knows that your left eyebrow lifts when sensei writes something you dont understands

tooru knows that you like to do sudoku in the convenience store while you worked

tooru knows you eat the same meal during lunch every day from the same lunchbox

and he also knows that your brother talks so highly about you from takeru

the little things your brother brags about like your ability to cook f/f or your weird ability to just assemble something without looking at the instruction manual

he notices and knows all these things about you

things that people never really even bothered to 

oikawa didnt even know he liked you until iwaizumi pointed it out during lunch

the third years liked to go and eat at the rooftop where it was nice and windy

oikawa was sitting and leaned against the tall wire fence, his eyes fixated on you down below on the bench as you ate your lunch

then you accidentally loosened the chopsticks causing your food to slip off

that made oikawa giggle

he was chuckling and giggling that the others noticed him when he suddenly went quiet

‘oi, oikawa’

makki nudged him back to them and tooru flinched before smiling at them

‘hm? so you do notice me!’

iwa glared

‘idiot. of course we do. youre laughing over there like some damn schoolgirl. did one of your fangirls posses you or something? if not, cut it out. its ugly’

oikawa shot him an offended look

‘what?! iwa-chan so mean!’

mattsun took the liberty to peer over the edge to see what he was looking at and smirked

‘eh? were you looking at l/n-sensei?’

oikawa blushed, feeling like he just got caught doing something bad

‘and what about it? im looking at you too, right now, mattsun!’

makki cackled at oikawa’s poor attempt of reasoning

‘i mean, i dont blame you. if issei wasnt here, id definitely get with him’

SEDKLFJSDLFISDKFJ MATTSUHANA YALL :”)

oikawa’s eyes wandered back down to you and he noticed you put the bento box to the side before sneezing

‘gosh, even his sneeze is cute’

he mumbled then jolted when he heard his own words 

iwa sighed

‘what are we going to do with you, shittykawa?’

‘what?! what did i do?!’

iwa’s eyes scrunched and he scrutinized his best friend

‘boke. i feel bad for that kid, doesnt know this stupid idiot likes him’

so thats how oikawa came to terms of it

he thought he was just interested and fascinated with you but he really does like you

and to be honest, he doesnt really want you to know that bc duh, you dont like him so why bother?

baby oiks doesnt interact with you much anymore bc he knows you get uncomfy with attention but he still does look out for you and decides he should just admire from afar

he will live every day just holding his feelings in for you and one day they will disappear

but today just wasnt the day

maybe today was the start of the worst yet the best part of your life

last night was particularly rough as the convenience store you worked in had a drunk person who wanted to fight with you and your manager had to call the police and it was just a mess

to add on to it, midterms were around the corner-like next week- so you were studying up for that

but your sister got sick so you were also trying to take care of her and making sure her fever was going down and her crying ever few hours about her tummy ache didnt allow you to sleep

hehehe single parent working late tingz

ALSO SHE DOESNT HAVE MISS RONA JFC

so yep haha you did NOT get any sleep

so you walked into school that morning, looking tired as hell and mad as hell but you just wanted to sleep bro

the one kid you tutor, matsukawa issei, and his friend who usually tags along, hanamaki takahiro, noticed you dazedly pass them in the hallway and poor dudes felt bad for you

mattsun actually pays you to tutor him bc he knows you need the money while taka preferred to buy you snacks and drinks as compensation

so it was normal that he had an energy drink in his bag that he was going to give you tomorrow during your tutoring day

‘oi! l/n!’

your head perked up at the call of your name and you nodded in greeting at the light brown haired boy

‘hey’

you muttered and mattsun placed his hands on your shoulder to keep you upright

‘oi, l/n, you sure you want to be here? you can go home and we can tell them youre sick or some-’

but you waved your hand

‘nonono todays an important lecture so i cant miss it’

the two guys didnt look convinced but they respected your need to be in school since they too need to be in class for midterms

‘here. at least take this’

makki placed a drink on your hand and you nodded and gave them a small smile

‘thanks’

you mumbled before wandering off

once they saw you at a distance away, makki wrapped an arm around issei to get his attention

‘ya think we should tell oikawa to keep an eye on him? make sure he doesnt keel over and die or somethin?’

mattsun stopped before nodding

‘yea thats a good idea’

SKLFJLSDKJFD NOT MATTSUHANA BEING YOUR PARENTS

oikawa was already in class when you walked in and he cant help but tear his eyes away from the girls to you as you sluggishly walked to your seat

the drop of your bag and the thud of your head meeting the desk made him worried bc you looked worse than usual

his phone buzzed and he checked it to see a message from mattsun

‘keep an eye out for your boyfriend. mightve been working late last night and yanno how he is. just watch out if he faints or something’

okay that made him super worried

totally ignoring what mattsun called you, oikawa knew he needed to talk to you

but these fangirls were the first problem

he shut his phone off and looked up at them with a grin that made them madly blush

‘ladies, class is about to start. oikawa-senpai would hate for you to be marked. so study hard for me, okay?’

like hypnotized cult members, the girls ran to their classrooms and tooru finally had the opportunity to talk to you

he stood up and walked over to your seat

‘m/n-chan’

he called out, looking down at you

‘m/n-chan’

he tried again and was about to put a hand on your shoulder when your hand snatched it

‘dont touch me, oikawa’

you grumbled and tooru furrowed his eyebrows

‘m/n-chan, i just wanted to ask if youre okay’

he whined and you didnt bother to look up but just let go of his hand

‘i was until you came over, idiot’

ouch

tooru was thankful that the teacher came in then and there bc he didnt know how to respond to that

he wanted to brush it off but it hurt him a little

and he knows he shouldnt entertain his crush on you but he couldnt looking at you and watching as you got up to use the bathroom 

as class went on, oikawa was starting to worry

now again, hes no stalker bc his observation skills were just phenomenal due to volleyball

so he noticed that youve been in the bathroom for like 20 minutes now

DONT JUDGE US, OIKAWA. WE’RE JUST TRYING TO PUSH OUT THE BIG PIECE OF-

okay nevermind

anyways

tooru, worried that something happened, raised his hand to go and use the bathroom and the sensei wasnt exactly paying attention so he just let him go

thank god he has long legs bc he was able to reach the bathroom quick and he stifled a shriek when he saw your passed out form inside

‘M/N-CHAN!’

he yelled and he cursed when duh you were alone and who knows how long youve been there

and ew bathroom floors is bleh

you were in no way light but you werent exactly heavy either so he was able to muster up all his strength and hoisted you on his back

tooru’s heart thrummed in his chest and he knew it couldnt be that serious but he cant help but think of the worst

and yep

the nurse just told him that your heartbeat was okay and you were snoring so you mustve been exhausted by the dark circles in your eyes

‘keep an eye on him for me. i have to tend to midoriya over there. the kid broke his arm again and i dont know how’

she grumbled at the end but tooru didnt care as he sat on the chair next to your bed

he sighed before laying his head on the cot by your hand

his eyes settled on your face and how peaceful it looked

gosh, you really were so cute

your personality just sucked ass

constantly telling him to shut up and calling him idiot

hmph

not long after oikawa fell asleep, you woke up and cursed, immediately realizing you fainted and you missed class

as you were going to rub your eye, there was weight on your hand and you looked down to see a head full of brown hair that could only belong to a certain someone

a certain idiot

‘oi. oikawa, wake up’

you shook his head and when he didnt budge, you just pulled your hand from under him making him jump awake

at first, he was confused

looking around like a lost puppy and his eyes bleary

yea it was cute and what about it

then he noticed you sitting up and he smiled

‘you feeling better, m/n-chan?’

he asked, leaning close 

but you placed your hand on his face to push him away

‘yea. and stop leaning so close, idiot’

you grumbled and he whined

‘youre so mean, m/n-chan! i was so worried about you!’

he complained and you rolled your eyes

‘i didnt ask you to be, idiot’

SLDKFJSDLKFJKL M/N IS SO MEAN WHAT THE FAK

oikawa frowned

‘i cant help it. i like you, m/n-chan’

you froze, looking at him with scrunched eyebrows

then you chuckled dryly

‘yea, okay sure. im okay now so you can go to class’

wOW OIKAWA DESERVES BETTER WHAT

tooru was taken aback

‘wh-what? thats it? after i just told you that i liked you?’

you blinked at him

‘what do you want me to say about that, oikawa? how do you want me to react? im not like your fangirls, squealing and shit’

your words cut deep in him and oikawa held your arm

‘no wait a minute. what do you mean by that? do you not believe me?’

‘who the hell believes something that’s fake?’

there was a snip in your tone and oikawa knew you were talking about this facade of his

‘what? i-’

‘you think i believe you? you telling me you like me? do you even know who you are?’

you asked and tooru sniffled, eyes staring at your chest

‘for years, you told people what you wanted them to hear, regardless if you meant them or not. not once have you ever told them no. who the hell accepts chocolates when they dont even like them to begin with?’

at that last part, oikawa snapped up to meet your eyes

‘how did you know’

you rolled your eyes

‘our brothers are friends, idiot. he gave him some of the chocolates you gave to takeru since the brat couldnt eat them all’

oddly, that brought some warmth in tooru’s chest

so he wasnt the only one who knows the stupid stuff

but you continued on your rant

‘for a guy who doesnt like sweet stuff, youve accepted their nasty treats all the time, like why? oh, wait i know why, because you want them to like you. it doesnt matter if-if this-this persona of yours isnt real because as long as they like you, you dont give a fuck. isn’t that true? am i right? because please, prove me wrong’

maybe your dislike for him came out at that tangent and you half expected him to cry but you were surprised when he glared at you with teary eyes

‘i will. ill prove you wrong, m/n, that i do like you and i will make you like me. ill make you like me with the real me. i swear.’

‘mhm. okay. sure, oikawa’

do you regret it?

i mean,,,

kinda?

but not really?

because you loved watching the girls faces fall when oikawa rejected their treats the next day

you were walking to class when you noticed him with his cult by the entrance and you saw him smiling at some girl before gently pushing away a can of cookies

‘gomen. i actually dont like sweets that much anymore. if you want, you can give me milk bread?’

you stopped and oikawa caught your eye and he grinned

you nodded in greeting before continuing to walk

but he noticed a small smile on your face and gosh oikawa sighed like a lovesick fool

it took iwaizumi to finally send him back and his fangirls were looking at him worriedly

‘could you be less obvious, shittykawa?’

rip iwaizumi hajime in episode 546546546 of daily adventures of oikawa tooru

you noticed that oikawa has started to become distant with his fangirls and hes been sticking to you during lunch, leaving behind the others

makki and mattsun looked like proud parents as they peered down over to you flicking oikawa’s forehead and they smiled

‘god, that kid deserves this’

‘hah? that sounds like more of a punishment to me. but i dont care. it takes him off our hands for a while’

IWA I SWEAR HES SO MEAN BUT HE STILL WUVS TOORU SO ITS OKAY

oikawa would pick your brother up and take him home when youre too busy to go get him yourself and sometimes, he even takes your little sister too which causes them to have a mini sleepover and you sleep there too

also, whenever youre working in the convenience store, tooru would buy sandwhiches and a drink just for you so you can eat them while youre on break and not have to waste money and you told himyou dont want him spending money on you but he doesnt wanna hear it

‘i dont want you buying me-’

‘ssshhhh dont. im doing this because i want to and becaus i care for you, m/n-chan’

overtime, 

yea

sure

youve started to like him

youve started looking forward to seeing his stupidly cute face and his stupidly cute giggle

you went to his games and gave him a tight hug when hes about to play as a ritual for good luck and you would open your arms for him wide whenever he wins

then he didnt

against shiratorizawa, you noticed how he was so disappointed

even as you walked home with him, he continued to smile and tell you how good his team played

until you couldnt take it anymore

you pulled him over to some alleyway and you pushed him to the wall

DSKLFJLSDKFJLSDFJ WOW WHAT

oikawa nervously fiddled with his jacket and gave you a shaky smile

‘m/n-chan, what are you-’

‘tell me what youre feeling right here, right now. no bullshit, no lies, tell me everything in that pretty head of yours’

you deadpanned and tooru looked away

‘im fine’

‘are you lying to me, tooru?’

your voice was even but he could tell you were serious

he gulped before taking in a shakey breath

‘im fine. so stop asking about it!’

he exclaimed and you sighed

‘listen, i know its not official yet but you want me to be your boyfriend right?’

tooru flinched before he flushed at the word ‘boyfriend’ 

then he nodded

‘as your boyfriend, you have to lean on me, tooru. i dont want you to hold it to yourself because i wanna be there for you and i want to go through everything with you because i,,,,,’

you stopped and hesitated, debating if you should say it or not

‘because i like you, idiot’

you confessed and swallowed thickly

oikawa met your eye and his eyes watered

‘im so angry! im so disappointed! but i know my team did their 110 percent! we’re just not strong enough! so its not their fault! but ushijima is such a freak and hes too strong and its not fair!’

he complained and he cried loudly

not once in the 3 years of knowing oikawa have you seen him cry and you were so proud of him for being able to trust you enough to show him being vulnerable

you rushed forward held him close to your chest

‘for what it’s worth, you looked so incredibly hot and cute playing’

you whispered and pecked his neck 

of course oikawa couldnt hold his surprise at the feeling of your lips on his neck so he squealed a little

you gigled and continued holding your boyfriend close, even if it was at some nasty alleyway

yall became official and ngl, they didnt see this coming

some nobody dating the grand king oikawa tooru?

what in the wattpad?

yall know that tiktok of like ‘guys you cant dm me anymore. i have a girlfriend now. what else? and i love her’

IF YALL DONT KNOW IM SORRY

but you totally made oikawa tell his fangirls that

YOU KNOW THE FUNNY THING?

when yall became official, you actually gained your own little fanclub

maybe its because you gained clout from your boyfriend but they started noticing you and wowza you were hot

before, it was you getting jealous over tooru but now, it was him getting possessive of you

hes such a brat that he sits on your lap before class and youre just all smirking and feeling all good bc your baby is so cute when hes jealous

YOU CANT DISAGREE THAT HE DOESNT RADIATE UKE ENERGY

but all oiks has to do is pull down your collar and expose your purple littered collarbones and they will know who you belong to

theres a reason why iwa-chan is now the kids babysitter

youre still kinda cold and distant to people but youre soft for your baby and you always hold him close when hes in sight and you just cant get enough of him

:’)

also!! 

your sister loves dressing you up and oikawa has his sisters makeup and they both do your makeup and you guys have tea party with the boys and just the cutest domestic stuff

you still call him idiot though

but like affectionately yanno?

and over the years youve turned it down to dummy

and ngl tooru loves it when you call him that

what in the dumbification-

because he knows that equivalent to babe from you and he absolutely just loves you lmao

youre def the more quieter and calmer one in the relationship like you absolutely dont react much

while tooru is the overreactor and hes very animated with his facial expressions and stuff

like the one time

he was cooking some chicken pasta and you cheekily grabbed a piece of chicken and he made a dramatic gasp

‘*le gasp* oikawa m/n how dare steal a piece of chicken!’

you cackled before crossing your arms at the sight ofyour lover with his pursed lips and hands on his hips

‘excuse you. its more of you who’d take my last name’

it was so easy to make him flustered and tooru quickly turned around to tend back to the food but he was really just hiding his red face

‘b-baka. thats not going to happen’

‘not if i do it first’

you shrugged and smirked, wondering if he will fall for it

and as expected with oikawa tooru

‘yea okay sure’

‘i will!’

‘prove me wrong, m/n-chan~’

‘turn around right now’

oikawa rolled his eyes playfully before turning with a smile

‘what are you-*le gasp part 2*’

his hands covered his mouth at the sight of you there in front of him, kneeling on your knee tightly clutching a silver ring between your thumb and index finger

your heart was thrumming in your chest but you gulped and smiled

‘i win. now marry me, dummy’

oikawa screamed

a/n: sorry if this sucked booty :((( but i just really like the thought of uke oikawa and just him with a cute boyfriend for a change like please we all know oikawa is a bi king and thats on docosahexaenoic acid

[shhh-no-ones-home]

the three b’s izzy stradlin x reader

+++++++++ V protective Izzy over insecure plus size reader that is being made fun of by the other girls that hang around the band. *im still not doing requests right now but i hope you guys enjoy these updates!*

Am I projecting? Yeah maybe. Do I care? If you've read my other plus-size!reader fics you would know: absolutely not!

(three b's: big beautiful bitch)

Song: king for a day by forever the sickest kids

tag list: @cynic-spirit @slashscowboyboots @smokeandmirrorz +++++++++

I stood in the group and sipped my drink, trying not to make eye contact with any of them. I didn't really fit in with the crowd of girls standing around axl, slash, and Steven. Sure I was friends with the guys but I couldn't joke with them like I could with duff. and Izzy being my boyfriend made me more comfortable but he was nowhere to be found either. Not only that but I felt a little more insecure than usual. Of course I knew I was hot, but still, there's always that thought in the back of your head that thinks 'what if?' These girls were like models after all.

"You still having a good time over there?"

Steven asked, grabbing my attention away from the condensation slipping down the backside of my hand off of my drink.

"Hm?"

I asked, wide eyed.

"He asked if you were having a good time, are you fat and stupid?"

The girl slash had his arm around squawked at me, her voice high and pitchy. I winced at the sound of it, I noticed slash kind of did too.

"Yeah I'm doing great."

I said unconvincing, shifting my weight to my other leg. I looked back around the club, noticing people grinding over each other.

"You sure?"

Axl asked. I nodded before taking another drink, not looking at him. I felt warm under the color changing lights.

"Why do you guys hang out with her?"

The girl Steven was standing with asked. God her voice was just as annoying as the other one.

"You're not even paying attention to them, what's the point of keeping you around?"

Axl's girl said slyly. I sent her a stern glare.

"Unless you're the circus act, cause that I could see. The clown, here for a good joke. Someone to gawk at and make fun of."

She said with a laugh. I could feel my body burn at her words. The guys could probably all see it on my face, I was about ready to murder.

"She's cool."

Slash said, sending me a reassuring smile. I sent him a quick look before staring daggers at the woman.

"Thanks."

I said through gritted teeth. I avoided their gazes again, looking across the club to the DJ. He was bumping to the beat of the song, much like the others on the dance floor. I wanted to think about something else. Something that wasn't these women making rude remarks because I didn't look like them.

"I have another question."

Stevens girl said. I rolled my eyes and looked to her.

"What?"

I asked annoyed. She snickered, looking to the other girls.

"Are you standing over here cause you're worried you'd shake the ground if you danced like that?"

She said pointing to the people jumping up and down on the dance floor. The three women laughed, the guys looking visibly uncomfortable, each of them dropping their arms from their shoulders. I saw red in that moment, wanting to snap at them for assuming the worst about me. I went to open my mouth when,

"Excuse the fuck out of you?"

I heard from behind me, making me turn. Izzy was standing there, fuming as much as I was. He walked to me, taking my free hand in his, never moving his murderous gaze from them.

"You have no right to say those things. You wish you were as amazing as her. She's beautiful. She has a rocking body and amazing personality. And you wish you were half the person she is."

He said loud and quick, defending me perfectly. I half awed at him, like their words just melted away as soon as he had appeared. He finally turned to me, his features softening visibly as he looked down at me.

"You're everything I could have ever dreamed of."

He said softly before leaning down and kissing me passionately. I was a little stunned at first but moved along with him. His hand rested against my cheek as he slipped his tongue into my mouth.

"Get a room."

Axl yelled, laughing. I smiled into Izzy before he pulled away.

"Sounds like a plan to me."

He said, smirking at me. I could feel a blush creeping its way into my face. he went to walk away with me but i stopped him.

"not here."

i said in a whispered voice. i looked back to the women who had lost the interest of the guys. he looked to them too before looking back at me.

"what do you want me to do?"

he asked genuinely. i sighed.

"lets just stay, i wanna finish this."

i said motioning to my drink. he looked down at me in defeat.

"fine."

he said reluctantly, draping his arm over my shoulders.

"what? you arent leaving?"

one of the girls said, snobby and unrelenting.

"no, but i think you should."

slash said, looking at her like she was crazy. her mouth dropped and i couldnt help the snicker i let out. she looked at me with a fire in her eyes.

"im not leaving without them, you cant make me."

she said, crossing her arms over her chest. steven cleared his throat.

"thats okay, i think its for the best that all three of you leave."

the other twos mouths dropped, the one in the middle stomping her foot.

"why is it that we have to leave and the laughing stock gets to stay!?"

i drew my brows.

"because unlike you im not expendable. i have a place in this group and its called being a loyal girlfriend who isnt money grabbing or just looking for a hook up."

i said sternly, lacing my fingers into izzys as he kissed the top of my head. she looked around to the guys and they all kind of agreed.

"they can find other girls like you. better than you."

i said, making her madder.

"but we cant find another girl like her."

izzy said endearingly, making me smile up at him. the woman groaned before stomping off away from us, the other two solemnly looking to us before following her.

"thanks guys."

i said before taking a sip of my drink.

"hey, like you said, we can find other girls like them; besides, we'd rather you stick around for a bit,"

slash said, raising his glass to me. i laughed a little bit, all of us connecting our glasses in cheers.

"youre much more fun to hang out with."

[huntsman-ash]

LiveThoughts: RWBY V8E6

Second attempt at this since last time Chrome just DIED for no reason...

Im going to put literally the entire thing with Cinder under one note; Called it.

Its a great set of stuff, sure, but it doesnt relaly tell us anything we didnt already know about Cinder, and I personally feel it doesnt really explain why she turned out the way she did. I feel like we’ve had another weird twist of the situation again...M+K? Coronas fault? Who knows. Either way, this section isnt great by my taste and I kinda skipped most of it. 

Few things to note though; Apperently in Mistral scrubbing by hand is still more viable floor cleaning tech than using Dust.

The wind vane on the roof has the Rooster Teeth symbols rooster on it. 

The hotel Cinder is bought by is named the Glass Unicorn, fittingly enough for...several reasons. 

The coffees behind the stepsisters when we first see them are the animated versions of the real life stuff RT put out just before this season went live. 

No one seems to notice the fact cinder has orange eyes. I wonder if weird eye colors are just a THING in Remnant?

The control collar/shock thing is incredibly inefficient in design, since it doesnt actually hold on to her very well. A more effective brace/choker design would have worked better.

The song that goes on during all of this is...kind of obvious and a little bland? Fitting for younger Cinder I guess. 

Mmm. Random greasy huntsman. 

I guess in Atlas its fine to laugh at struggling teenagers?

Im going to assume there’s a 3+ year gap here where she gets older, cause she stops being smol and gets closer to how we see her now.

Also even here, in Atlas...really? The most effective way to clean these carpeted floors is to have a TEENAGER SCRUB THEM BY HAND?

How do you scrub...I assume its carpet anyway?

And how you tell civilians are lame in Atlas; they are impressed...by a sword.  Just a sword. A boring, half-cut sword. Losers.

I assume this would be Cinder’s semblance manifesting. Also note on the desk; “we do not serve faunus”. Well THAT doesnt surprise me.

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHE. Get fucked Cinder. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

I dont even feel pity for her, this is funny to me.  Also the fact that this kind of shit aCTUALLY EXISTS is...amusing to me. Like, really? So I guess indentured servitude is a thing in Remnant too. 

And this is why Cinder likes to use swords. Really. Wow. LAMEO.

Huh. Dual maces. Interesting. Thats a prety cool weapon.  Looks like they open up too. Bet he could bash some skulls with that.

“Hurting them isnt going to make your life any better”. Um, excuse me? I think hurting them is the very best thing to do in this situation. At least, for the moment anyway. 

Huh. So she’s ten at this point? Even as a child, shes older than she looks. 

And training montage. Huh. Or at least I assume it is. I get the feeling being able to go where you want too and do what you want too is the main reason Hunters exist. There must be crazy tight immigration laws...or, maybe, its just that traveling between kingdoms is stupid dangerous cause of Grimm. I think the latter is most likely considering every form of public transit extra-kingdom we’ve seen (even between cities, see Argus Limited) has some kind of defensive weaponry. Limited and ineffective, for th emost part oddly.

So you can take the exam at 18. Okay cool. Pre-that must be prep school. Wonder what happens if you wash out? Also I like how this dude is just “yeah, 7 years of training, we got this.”

I think this is the first time we’ve seen the other side of the moon. Or at least, the proper other side...bloody hell I STILL dont know how all those piesces are still held in place, the thing looks like it should start yeeting bolides at Remnant. 

Better still we see it MOVE, rotate in time to the passing of years. So it literally does rotate on its own axis, and more importantly, unlike OUR moon, its NOT tidally locked. We only ever see the same side of our moon. REmnants rotates MUCH faster. Also it doesnt seem to have phases like ours does. I’ll check on why that is. 

Well at least we have an explanation for why Cinders so damn good at fighting people. Trained by an Atlas Huntsman.

Also as a note the device is quite literally just an electrical Dust crystal attached to a necklace. Things the most inefficent torture device Ive ever fucking seen. 

Wonder how often they have to change the crystal.

And there goes the moon rotating again.

I like how NO ONE comment on the blade going missing and that guy never came back for it. I guess he must have just bought a new one.

I get the very distinct feeling they wont just let her go honestly, permission or not. 

AWWW WE DONT EVEN GET TO SEE CINDER MURDER THE SISTERS. Also no blood. Odd.  Good kill on the  stepmother though. Oh, that NECK CRACK.  I like how all the bitch can do is try and shock Cinder, like, uh...adrenaline up? SHE HAS A SWORD? MAYBE FIGHT BACK?

Hah. Weak ass fuckin Atlas people.  Also the clock going off in the back ground twelve times. How fitting. Welcome to midnight. 

Also shes kind of glowing here cause the room is dark, and I find it amusing this is probably the last time she wears white.

And THERES the Cinder we know

Sick ass music, cool. Also THAT is an interesting semblance...I guess he turns himself to metal? Also DAMN his aura broke after THAT? Hes a Huntsman...ah who cares. Again probably in Cinders memory more than anything. Which at this point is probably about as reliable as a coked up hookers.

SHANKED. Sucker. You shoulda seen THAT one coming.

And thats all it took to get the shock collar off. Lol. 

So what happened to the hotel? Did they just...write it off? I mean four people got murdered in there...

And now we’re back on the whale. HOW THE SCREAMING FUCK DID CINDER JUST...

Wow. She just got up after eating that blast. Fucking plot armor.

Merc making the hard calls honestly.  Im actually gonna watch all of this now which is nice because I want to know whats happening in the real world. PITY MORE THAN HALF THE EPISODE WAS THIS FUCKING FILLER.

I like how Cinder just...goes quiet the moment she realizes shes lost Mercury. Not that he was USEFUL mind you but if I had to guess she liked being the boss. But now shes...basically back where she started. 

So the whale is basically a ship. It has a bridge. Probably Salems throne room.

Man, Oscars literally just RTs punching bag this season isnt he? Literally in this case. 

His clothes are still scortched too which I find interesting.  The black eyes also staying. Auras not back up then? Aura repair and regen seems...werid half the time. Like RT does what they want with it.

Ah so someone finally says it...but at the same time what exactly does Salem have to fear? If she cant fight the whole world...what could they do? Maybe overwhelming her? It...Im having a hard time putting the “she cant be stopped” with “shes afraid of fighting all of Remnant”. 

Somethings missing here. I know it.

The sound of the “door” opening reminds me of the Flood doors in High Charity in Halo 3s Cortana. Fleshy twisting.

Mention from Hazel, but AGAIN...no details. I guess if you nail down how she can do stuff its harder to write? 

Glad someone made a comment on the futility of the Hunter academies. 

I really hate how Salems giving us creepy mommy shades. 

Hmm. So yeah the bridge IS the throne room/command deck. I like how Neo doesnt give a fuck is just casually kneeling. 

Ah okay THATS why he grabbed the scroll. 

Heh. Interesting. How exactly does this work I wonder. 

...Why does Salem have a ring. Has she always had that ring?

Neo looking at the Hound like “oh, I could ride this thing”. 

Oh cool the Ace Ops. And they’re arguing, shocker. Sounds like Elm doesnt trust tech either. No shock there.  Idiot.

Atlas elite. Yeah, right.

Huh, is this a Manta with landing gear? I guess they do have them...seems kind of silly to have them so high up though. I guess thats what the thing under the door is for, so they can deploy a ramp. Man, I really dont like Atlas’s airship design.

Hare needs some fuckin suppresants. 

Annnnddd...here we go, things go straight to hell. I was warned of this. I am going to try and not be mad...but from what Ive heard the incomptence of the military in this particular section is astronomical.

Huh. So...Grimm can be convirted into a rock-punching liquid? Interesting. Has that always been a thing or... Also why the fuck are you jsut standing there in awe, go kill the fucking thing! Fucking Specialists.

...that is all it took to get through Atlas’s shield? THAT?

I also love how no one does anything. Ironwoods like “wait what the fuck”. Come on bro. 

And...thats the Atlas navy. Everyone. Two lasers. One of which missed. Remind me again what exactly these things are used to shoot?

Wait, no, that took down part of it, and then the rest is, surprise, hitting the soft rock on the outside. 

THERE goes the shield. 

Hang on a second, how long have those giant squid things been there?

And...what. The whale just approaches, nothing happens? You’ve got 12 fucking ships there, shoot the fucking thing.

Again, WHY IS NO ONE DOING ANYTHING?

Oh, it just beach-headed. Okay fine, whatever. 

Im not really worried.

Lets see how RT makes this WORSE though...

And thats this weeks episode.

[prorevenge]

Disrupting my hunting time and scaring off game? I’ll get you locked up.

On mobile, bad formatting, yadda yadda yadda, I’m sure y’all know the drill by now

A little background, I grew up out in a small town in the middle of nowhere, and there was a wash that ran through our property. (for those who don’t know, a wash is a giant area where water comes down from the mountains. Ours only ran when it was raining long and hard enough) I would often go down this wash to this large area that was covered in trees and bushes and such, but had a trail going through it. I would go along this trail and hide in the bushes and would hunt for quail on occasion with my 22.

This happened about a year ago. I was by this trail, with my eyes going around waiting for one of the local quail flocks to pop up. I only needed about 5, so I figured I wouldn’t be out very long. About 20 mins of sitting out there, some kids started riding through the trail on their quads. I stepped out to ask them to stop, and after the initial shock of seeing a 16 year old kid randomly pop up out of nowhere, they just laughed saying “yeah whatever man” and left. About five minutes later, they were driving through it again, and were making more noise and screaming. I saw one of them spit in the bushes as they drove by, and since that’s where I was last at I figured he thought I was still there. I had changed spots to get a better view on one of the smaller trails that connected to this big one. After that I knew they were gonna continue being obnoxious, so I packed up and left. The next day, I headed back out. I had gotten to the trail again and set up in the bushes. Not even an hour later these fcks were driving around again making noise, so I came out and told them to leave once again as they were scaring off the game. This time, what appeared to be the wring leader scoffed at me, saying something along the lines of “you can’t kick us off public property, murder” and “why don’t you just buy some meat at the store instead of killing these helpless animals?” Our closest store that sold meat (it’s a super market that named itself after a wall) not only had very crappy meat, but also didn’t sell quail, so he just sounded like an idiot saying this. After another hour of putting up with their bull sht and noise with nothing good showing up (I saw a couple quail, but they weren’t fat enough to eat) I finally packed up and left.

Cue the revenge

I knew they were going down the wash through my property, so I drove down to the aforementioned store and bought two “keep off, private property” signs and went home. The wash walls were pretty high on one side, not so much on the other. So I had to stick a post in the ground near it, then wrapped barbed wire around it and had three lines attached to the wash wall. I then put one sign on it with some zip ties, and went to the other side which already had a post since that was labelling a part of our property line. So I did the same thing on that end, attached the second sign, and when home. The next day I went out to go (finally) get some quail, and brought an extra roll of barbed wire with me tied to my bag. Before I was even off my front porch, I could hear the screaming of a frantic teenager. I went back inside, grabbed my handgun (a Walther CCP for y’all wondering) and went out there to check the damage. Turned out one of these dumb a*ses thought that ramming into the barbed wire would take it down, no problem. While it did come down easy, it was still a big problem, as the second he rammed into it, the bits that I had attached to the wash wall had whipped out and ripped up his arm and back pretty bad. They had called the cops and the two with him were cussing me up and down while I assessed the damage. The kid was bleeding a lot, so I of course wrapped up his arm with my undershirt and had him lay on his stomach (yes, I’m keeping him alive cause I didn’t feel like being charged with involuntary man slaughter) and used my jacket to put pressure on his back. Eventually a cop showed up with an ambulance and they took care of him while the cop took statements. This is what I remember of the conversation ensuing

DF=dumbass friend (injured) D1=dumbass 1 D2=dumbass 2 Me=(insert stupid joke of who me is supposed to mean) And C=cop

Cop: What happened? (Speaking to me)

Me: Well-

D1: THIS SON OF A BTCH BUT THIS GODDNM WIRE HERE TRYING TO KILL US!

C: Excuse me, I was talking to [me] now shut it. Now, what happened?

Me: Ok, well I was out hunting the other day-

D2: YEAH HES KILLING OTHER THINGS TOO! ISNT THAT ALSO ILLEGAL?

C: (calls his partner over to take the two dumb asses away so he can talk without them screaming)

Me: Ok, I was out hunting the other day for some quail, and these guys came over and started making noise. I asked them to leave, but they continued being obnoxious and I couldn’t get any game. The next day, they came back out and started making noise again. I asked them to stop, but they continued again. So I put this up yesterday since I knew this is how they were getting through to bug me. This morning I heard screaming so I grabbed my dads gun (all the guns are in his name, I can’t legally own a gun yet) and ran out. I found this situation and bandaged up DF until you arrived.

After this, I was of course told not to hunt alone, as I need a guardian with me (yeah, like I’m gonna listen to that) and was let off with a warning. The other kids were arrested (I pressed charges) for harassment, destruction of property, and trespassing on private property. I got a written apology from all three of them and never saw them again. And the quail tasted amazing that night!!

(source) story by (/u/Loki_Akita)

[genderfreezone]

Do you like the Evil Within 2?

Yeah! Certainly not as much as the first one (i was not immune to being sad they left out fan favorites Jojo and Ruvik's Cube)

The rest of this post is me rambling about things i didnt like about the game, and then things i did like (most of my issues are how they treat the female characters tbh)

Its missing kind of the action-noir-gone-horrifically-wrong feel of the first game. The scare factor also suffers bc our player character has been through this before, hes a veteran at dealing with this crazy shit, it doesnt phase him anymore and by extension it doesnt phase the player. They really like tripled down on the Evil Corporation thing and both the intrigue and horror suffer for it.

This game did not drink its respect women juice (the first one didnt really either, case in point: Everything About Kidman) Sebastian is surrounded by 5+ female characters and only 2 of them survive (and one of them is his 7 year old daughter hes spent the whole game trying to rescue... and yet they never bothered to give her any kind of characterization or agency. A highly empathetic and supernaturally powerful little girl in a monster-infested hellscape?? HELLO???? Lily really had the potential to be the most interesting, sympathetic, and complex character--especially as she slowly lost her innocence--in the WHOLE GAME, but she was just sort of relegated to Plot Device McGuffin) The rest of the female supporting cast are killed off for Sebastian's Man Pain. In fact, THIS ENTIRE GAME IS CENTERED AROUND SEBASTIAN'S MAN PAIN. Torrez is a walking stereotype, shes literally just Vasquez from Aliens. Hoffman was the most likeable and believeable, except when it Turns Out She Was In Love With Liam Or Whatever (psst, guess what, i dont care. Also O'neal was kind of a dick anyway? I dont care x2)

And you know who i SUPER dont care about? Bland-White-Bread-And-Mayo-Sandwich Myra. Where's the no-nonsense firecracker of a police lieutenant Sebastian married? Not here, thats for sure. Her entire personality is "mother" and "worries about stressed-out husband". We got more characterization of Myra in seb's jornals from the first game, where she never even made a physical appearance! Horror media does this SO MUCH, women are either A. Sexy Lamp B. Hurts Men (Sexily) C. Mother or D. Innocent Virgin. It sucks. Do better.

The story lacked the "digging up old buried memories" and "theres more to this than meets the eye" of the first game. It felt too...... Straightforward. Everyone told Sebastian the truth. EVERYTHING WAS EXACTLY WHAT IT SEEMED. It all felt too simple, too easy, like there SHOULDVE been something else beneath the surface. And yet there wasnt. (I watched markipliers playthrough and i loved his theory that Kidman was actually Lily. It had such potential. Kidman's entire resume for the police station was fabricated, who's to say the rest of her past wasnt fabricated as well? It would retcon a lot of stuff and like 80% of her backstory from the DLC, but you know games like this arent above retconning important shit, and at least it wouldve been sacrificed for something with actual intrigue. Maybe it wouldnt even retcon anything! Consider: tiny Lily is taken by Evil Corporation and dropped off in a non-nurturing environment that would lead her to become the kind of person who would willingly join & work for an organization like Mobius. At least wouldve been a nice excuse for why Kidman and Lilys face models looked so similar... other than... yknow.... "WomEN ARe hArD tO DRaWwwwwee")

Okay okay ive been ranting for long enough. It probably makes it sound like i kinda hate this game, but i dont! It certainly doesnt hold the same place in my heart as the first one (which i still have very glaring issues with lmao Kidman deserved WAAAAAAY better), but i do like it! It brings back salty, grizzled, tsundere Sebastian Castinellos. It brings back spooky monsters that kill you dead. It brings back having a fun theatrical over-the-top villain who takes himself a litte too seriously.

I love Stefano. Probably not in the way some other fans do, but i love him as a ridiculous theatrical over-the-top villain. He sucks! And i love that he sucks! I love him BECAUSE he sucks! Hes terrible and exaggerated and completely up his own ass and ITS GREAT. He isnt as ACTUALLY THREATENING as Ruvik was (even in his bad assassin's creed cosplay. I could go on and on and on about why Ruvik is simultaneously a ridiculous AND frightening antagonist and how much i love it but uh..... maybe later) but hes such a FUN villain! Hes the kind of pretentious art snob shitheel i cannot STAND irl, but in this game i LOVE to HATE him. Hes just SO over-the-top you kinda wonder if he actually subscribes to the pretentiousness he spouts, or if hes just being Exceptionally Extra.

The other villains? Theodore was.... forgettable. His monsters were forgettable. (Its like how i completely forgot that Frank Manera was a character in Whistleblower for like... 5 years lmao i guess this game also kinda followed that "having multiple named/characterized antagonists in one game" thing that Outlast did) Myra, i just didnt care. Her final design was kinda cool, i liked the red clusters of insect eyes. Her monsters werent really gross enough to be memorable. The only reson theyre gross at all is bc they kinda look like theyre made of semen. (I checked the wiki and apparently Myra's white goo is "psychoplasm" and her monsters lost 99% of their gross factor. I just dont care.) The Administrator literally just looked like a 3D human model of Maxwell from dont starve, and i have to laugh every time i see him. Hes not terribly threatening, all he does is threaten characters to work faster and doesnt actually follow through on those threats. He doesnt even make fun threats like HABIT or anything. He thinks hes so powerful and ominous that his mere presence will frighten the player but hes just kinda all bark and no bite. Hes The Big Bad Company Man so you know hes gonna get whats coming to him, and you know Kidmans gonna be the one to do it to him, so hes not even that much of a threat. Hes whatever.

Stefano definitely got all of the coolest monsters. Many Arms Buzzsaw Lady was terrifying and i love her. And OBSCURA was just *Chef's Kiss* Anima was cool, she kinda looked like a mix of Laura and Samara. The Harbingers were neat, but really only bc ive got a thing for gas masks. The rest of the monsters werent really unique or weighty/threatening enough to be memorable. Now the first game is a fucking TREASURE TROVE of unique monsters *muah* you got Sadist, Sentinel, Keeper, Amalgam, Heresy, Laura, Shigyo, the Twins, Alter Egos, and im probably forgetting some!! But holy FUCK!!!!! And if we're includong the DLC?? MOTHER FUCKING SHADE. SPOTLIGHT LADY. LIGHT WOMAN.  SEXY LEGS.  Whatever you call her, i fucking love her. Her design is so simple. Helmet. Sheet. Legs. Her voice? Unnerving as hell. Love it. (Also i just personally love the diving helmet. Also like you know how a lot of games have a spotlight mechanic where you have to avoid the light and if it lands on you, you're fucked? LET'S MAKE AN ENTIRE MONSTER OUT OF THAT. She's PERFECT.) Oh and also those weird crawling exploding dudes. They made gross sounds and it was great. (Tbh Keepers still probably my favorite, if only for horny reasons)

TATIANA HOW HAVE I NOT FUCKING TALKED ABOUT TATIANA. Shes like the ONE female character that i fucking LOVE in the sequel. I love how they finally gave her a personality, and that personality is literally just "fuck you, Sebastian" Oh GOD its great shes SO FUNNY. I just.... god i love Tatiana lmao. I love how she makes you kinda uncomfortable too, like she knows something, but she wont tell you bc youre stupid. I didn't like the kind of "all-knowing guide" thing they did to try and make her creepy (like she's a "guide" but then also turns around and is like "no i wont tell you what you need to know bc you """have to discover it on your own""" or whatever") it serves no purpose since she never gave you any actual information, and it didn't succeed in making her creepier, all it did was frustrate me. She was at her creepiest when she IMPLIED she was doing something behind the scenes or knew something you didn't know and then didn't elaborate (not REFUSING to elaborate, just... stopping talking and leaving the statement to hang in the air, like the "getting her nails done" and "its been a long time, detective" and the "now what makes you say that" from the first game) and she was at her funniest when she was interacting with Sebastian from the sidelines, her snide little comments and sarcastic clapping cracked me the fuck up. Tatiana not treating Sebastian seriously was a fantastic touch for a game that otherwise would probably take itself so seriously it would double back around to being silly. Without Tatiana, it would've been just another male-centric gun-toting "survival horror" game, and for the most part, it was just that. She was definitely a much-needed source of slightly derisive comedy and a definite high-point for me, even if they didn't so a great job of making her creepy or fulfilling her "purpose."

Oh I also really love the COLORS in TEW2. The first game fell into the trap of having the colors be totally washed out that a lot of horror stuff does, but it also kind of worked for it. Especially with the color pallette of our main villain and how the whole thing was His World. The saturation of the colors in the second game is a breath of fresh air and gorgeous to look at, and you can even see the color motifs of the game change with each new villain: the game starts out with Stephano has lots of blues and purples and dark reds, when Theodore takes over we get bright orange and yellow contrasted with black and brown, and in the climax with Myra the game goes back to having washed out colors and white (and with her villain design? Let's face it: they were kinda just trying to do Ruvik again) We did get portions that were still kind of wahed out whites and greens and greys, but it wasnt the ENTIRE game, even the big blood-and-brains splatterhouse sections of the first game kinda had their colors weirdly muted for that "Horror Aethetic."

In conclusion, i do like the evil within 2, but i also had a lot of problems with it. And i complain about these problems because i like the game and know it couldve done better, tried harder, and been a LOT more than it was (the wasted character potential is my real overarching pet peeve, probably becuase i loved the characters in the first game, and character development is kind of my whole jam) . But all in all, it was still a fun monster-zombie romp with at least one entertaining villain and fun-to-look-at designs and environments. It wasn't character or horror or even REALLY story driven in the way I know it COULDVE been, but i still had a fun time and enjoyed myself.

[odderancyart]

so i literally had a dream that you wrote IBVS errorlust - i dont know how since lust isnt in IBVS, but im throwing that here as a suggestion anyways lmao if you ever wanna write it

So you’re dreaming of me, Galli? Kidding, obviously, but yes. I immediately fell in love with this have 2812 words of my BS. It’s midnight now when did that happen.

IBVS @onebizarrekai

The new school was interesting, to say the least. Hanging upside down in one of the climbing ropes, Lucian watched the other students in the gym. Ink – or Isaac, he supposed, but no one seemed to call him that – sat in the corner with his friend Chris, glaring at the ‘school king’, who was hanging out with his buddies by the weights. He sniggered at his own pun, reaching up to grab the rope and pull himself upright again. The world spun for a moment as he did.Too much blood in his head. And wasn’t that a weird concept too? What even was a school king, anyway?

A couple eyes were on him, which was expected. With his dark red hair, freckles, and green eyes, he knew he was attractive. And of course, being in the position he was, it was bound he’d get attention. He grinned down at those staring at him, tiny so far below, and let himself fall upside down again. He was just under the high ceiling. If he’d climb just a bit higher, he could easily touch it. When he glanced up, he saw that his turquoise tank top had slid down, revealing his tanned stomach. Well that explained why some of them looked so doe-eyed. Lucian chuckled, winking at one of the girls down there. His grin only grew as she blushed.

He’d heard that he’d already been given one of those nicknames ‘Error’ was so fond of giving out. Lust. He couldn’t say it wasn’t fitting, he’d always been a flirt. He’d had at least a dozen datemates of various stages of seriousness in his old school before they moved here. Not on the same time, of course, except that one time it had been polyamory and perfectly consensual. Being a flirt didn’t excuse being a jerk after all.

In the corner of his eye, he saw Error get up, and he raised an eyebrow as he waved for his… friends? Minions? To not follow him. He made his way over toward the doors, and that meant his way would go past Lucian. He regarded the other appreciatively. Error was good-looking, he had to give him that. With that dark hair and those brown eyes… well. One couldn’t blame a guy for trying, right?

Just as he came past, he heaved himself up and basically let go off the rope. Quick as a viper, he slid down. It burned through his sweatpants, but it was a familiar sensation. Just before he hit the floor, he grasped the rope again, stopping himself.

Only a meter away at the moment, Error twitched, swearing in surprise. He glared at Lucian, who just smiled. “What the fuck, dude?”

“Hello, Edward,” he said, extending his hand as he jumped down on the floor. He smiled his most charming smile. “Or Error, if you prefer that. I don’t believe we’ve met. You’re looking Sharp.” When Error just stared at him in bewilderment, he grinned. “That’s me. Lucian Sharp. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

“Oh. Yeah, you’re the one who’ve already tried to get half the school in bed, aren’t you?”

He blinked, smile turning loop-sided. “Well. Get them in bed is a bit of a stretch. I’m just being friendly! New city and all, I do need to make some friends.”

Error looked unimpressed, shoving him aside. “Well I’msure as hell not going to be one of them. Keep out of my way, Lust.”

Stumbling to the side, Lucian raised an eyebrow. He hummed as the other left and regarded him from behind. The corners of his mouth tugged upwards.

He always did like a challenge.

…

“Thank you darling.” Lust smiled brightly at the ice cream seller as he handed him a strawberry cone. “I love your hair!”

“Thank you,” the ice cream man replied, smiling as he pulled his fingers through his blue-dyed hair. “Oh, and that’s two dollars and fifty cents.”

Nodding, he reached into the pocket of his tight jeans, fishing out three coins and handing them to the seller. Then he turned around to his newest friend, Bianca, who was already licking at her ice cream. She reached out to brush off some dirt from his black tank top. It had a purple heart in the middle – his favourite motif. Over it, he wore a short jeans jacket, since it was a bit chilly today.

As she pulled her hand back, she subtly pointed behind him. “Hey Lucy, Look who’s in the park today.”

“Oh?” He turned around and she stepped up to join him. A delighted smile lit up his face. Oh my gosh. That was Error, by the fountain, with a kid. The kid was the palest person Lucian had ever seen, and he was pointing eagerly at something Lucian couldn’t see. But what he could see was that Error was listening attentively, nodding as the kid chattered on. “That’s so cute,” he squealed, clapping his hands together. He loved kids, and stars, seeing Error so gentle with one just made him even more attractive. He seized Bianca’s hand, pulling her toward the fountain. She laughed and obediently followed.

“Error! Hi!” he called, and Error twisted around. They pushed themselves through a crowd and he ignored the stranger who yelled “Nice ass!” at either him or Bianca in favour of waving.

Error’s eyes widened as he saw them. He threw himself on his feet, scowling. “What do you want, Lust?”

“Ed, who’s that?” the kid asked, eyes flickering between them. Curiosity shone in them as he looked at Lucian, and Lucian smiled wider, waving at him as well.

“Hello kiddo. We’re Edward’s classmates. And we just wanted to say hi!”

“Well now you’ve done that, go the fuck away,” Error growled.

Lucian pouted, crossing his arms. “Now that’s not very nice, sweetheart.”

“And I should care why?” Error grabbed the kid’s hand, turning his back to them. “C’mon Geno, we’ll go somewhere without annoyances.”

Soon he was gone. Bianca patted his shoulder. “Sorry, pal. Even if I’m not sure why you decided you like Edward Quinton of all people.”

He chuckled, grinning at her. “Oh I’m not giving up that easily. I am befriending him if it’s the last thing I do.”

“I admire your stubbornness.”                            

“You should,love.”

…

It was one of the cronies that finally made him snap.

Catcalls, he could take. It was what you got when you dressed like he did and flirted with anyone who seemed nice. Even certain kinds of touches he hadn’t asked for. Lucian was in no way uncomfortable with physical contact, in fact he craved it. But when he was just trying to get to class in time, as he was running late, and one of those huge jocks grabbed him and pressed him up against one of the lockers with one of those disgusting smiles on his face, he wasn’t going to stand for it. The metal lockers were cold against his back as he gritted his teeth, glaring at the enormous teen holding his arms in place. He could taste the other’s breath, and it was making him nauseous.

“Let. Me. Go,” he growled, clenching his fists until his nails dug into his palms. He stared straight into the jock’s blue eyes.

“Nah,” the jock said flippantly, grinning wider. “I don’t think I will, sweetheart.”

In that very moment, the bell rang for the second time. Class had begun. Oh fuck this. “Last warning. Let go off me. I’m late for class, you asshole.” He got a similar response.

“Fuck you,” he spat. Just as the jock opened his mouth to make some ‘clever’ comeback, he threw up with his knee, right into his crotch as hard as he could. The jock groaned and let go off him, bending over. Without a word, Lucian stepped around him, grabbing his arm and twisted it behind his back. The jock whimpered as he held it in an iron grip, threatening to dislocate the other’s shoulder. Smiling sweetly, he leaned over thejock’s shoulder. “Don’t you dare try something like that again, darling,” he whispered. “To anyone. I didn’t go to self-defence classes for seven years to be harassed in the school hallway. Understood?”

When they nodded, wide-eyed, he let go off them. He jerked his backpack off the ground, throwing it over one of his shoulders. “Now if you excuse me, I must go explain to Ms. Williams exactly why I’m late.”

Without gracing the jock with a gaze, he turned around and began his trek to the classroom. Just as he reached a corner, Error came around, stopping dead as he saw the jock still on the ground, nursing his aching arm. What a baby. Lucian had had far worse than that in gymnastics training. He smiled humourlessly at Error. “Tell your buddies to stay the fuck away from me, ‘kay, sweetheart? I really don’t like people who try to force themselves into others’ space.” He didn’t wait for an answer before he stepped past the other. “Thank you, love. Really appreciate it.”

He could still feel Error’s stare in his back as he slipped into the right classroom.

…

The wind was frisk as he ran home. His bag bounced on his back and his skirt flapped around his legs as his feet thumped against the pavement. He hadn’t even stayed to say goodbye to Bianca and his other new friends, had been straight out of school as soon as the clock rang the last time. His fingers clenched around the shoulder strap and his gritted his teethas his street came into view. He stopped in his tracks, raising his arm to wipe away the tears he’d finally let slip when he left school. Then he picked up wet wipes from his bag to wipe off his face. He took a deep breath. He couldn’t let his brother worry.

It was his old school all over again. There was no way he was going to detention for defending himself again. He’d hire a lawyer if he must. Fuck, he should’ve learnt by now that schools never did anything about their ‘stars’. Lucian bit down on his lip to force himself to stop crying. Stupid. That was what he was, for thinking it would be different after they moved away. He’d always been too optimistic.

Exhaling, he stepped around the last corner into his street. The rose hedge stood tall, making it impossible to see inside the garden until he reached the metal gate. There, he froze with one hand on it. He blinked to make sure he was seeing right. “Error?” exclaimed, voice full of disbelief.

The school king looked up from his phone where he stood, leaned against a porch pillar. He smirked as he saw Lucien’s shock. “Lust,” he greeted, nodding.

After a moment, Lucien gathered himself and opened the gate, so he could come inside. God was he glad he’d cleaned himself up now. “What are you doing here, love?”

“I’m impressed,” Error admitted, “with how you dealt with Jesper. He’s an asshole, but a strong one.”

Smiling faintly, Lucien dropped his bag on the porch, sticking his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket. “Thanks. My parents made me and my brother go to self-defence when I started developing my own style. Not everyone’s so understanding of a pansexual, flirty guy who likes to wear ‘women’s’ clothes sometimes.” Extra emphasis on ‘women’s’. It was 2018, people. Why was there even such a thing anymore? Clothes were clothes.

“Well, you’re good.” He stuck his hand into his pocket, fishing up a paper that he threw to Lucian. He caught it mid-air, unfolding it in befuddlement. “A written statement from Jesper about how nothing of what happened was your fault. I live only two blocks away, so I thought I might as well deliver it myself. Give it to the principal, and you’ll be out of detention in no time.”

And indeed. As he read the paper, that was exactly what it was. Jesper, as he apparently was called, took on all guilt and declared Lucian’s actions self-defence. He stared at the paper, reading it over thrice before he turned up to look at Error, mouth agape. “But- Why?”

Error shrugged. “Hey I’m an asshole, but in difference to what you may think, I’m not a supporter of sexual harassment. Anyway, I better get home. See you.”

Before Lucian could get out a word, he was gone. Warmth blossomed in his chest as he stared after him. His eyes flickered back down to the paper, and he smiled brightly. Tears welled up in his eyes again, this time from joy.

Perhaps things would be different after all.

…

After that, he started to hang out around Error more insistently. Jesper avoided him, and so did a couple else of the ‘cronies’, as he’d overheard Ink call them when speaking to Chris. Or Cross. Honestly, he wasn’t sure who he should call by their nicknames and who wanted him to use their names. He’d have to ask Chris someday.

And at some point, Error had come to accept his company, as well as Bianca’s, since she was his new bestie and often came with him to annoy Error.

At this point, he couldn’t deny either that he had fallen in love with the school king. Not that he often denied his crushes or love-interests to himself anyway. But somehow, this did feel a little more serious than it usually did. He leaned on the fence outside of the soccer field, watching Error play with some of his friends. Lucian sighed happily as Error took the ball, dribbling it over the field. He’d actually been offered to play with them, but he’d never been much of a ball-person. Give him a pole or some ropes and he could do anything, but balls… No, not his thing.

He cheered loudly as Error kicked the ball, straight past the goalie, clapping his hands. Error dragged his hands through his hair, grinning at him, and his heart flipped. Oh the Lord have mercy on him. Except not really, he absolutely loved the fuzzy feeling in his chest when he saw Error smile at him.

Eventually, their game ended, and they all flocked around him to pick up their water bottles and some of them pulled of their shirts. Lucian was more than willing to admit most of them were incredibly handsome, but it was really only one of them who he hoped would follow suit. Unfortunately, he didn’t. Ah well.

“You were great, darling,” he sang, draping himself over Error’s shoulders, unbothered by how sweaty he was. “I’ve never cared for ball sports but it’s really fun to watch you play!”

Some of the jocks gave them amused gazes, but no one commented. Whether they simply didn’t much care or were too intimidated by Error, Lucian wasn’t sure. But he was willing to accept anything that meant Error wasn’t going to reject his affections. Even if they were just platonic at this stage.

“I know,” Error replied, obviously smug. Lucian chuckled, resisting the urge to kiss his cheek. Perhaps that’d be going a bit too far, and he didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.

The other players soon dispelled, going into the changing rooms. Error escaped him to do the same, but in the spur of the moment, Lucian grabbed his hand. Turning around, confusion on his face, Error opened his mouth to speak. But before he could, Lucian pressed a hand over his mouth.

“I- I need to tell you something,” he said, his heart pounding in his chest. God what was he doing this was very much the plan he didn’t even know if Error liked guys, he might be straight for fuck’s sake- Before his brain could ramble away with him and make him panic, he took a deep breath as the other raised his eyebrows, letting him speak. “I- I like you. Romantically. I completely understand if you don’t feel the same and I’m sorry if I made this awkward but I just wanted to tell you but-”

A hand seized his wrist, pulling his hands away from Error’s mouth. He shut up, snapping his mouth closed. Error’s eyes glittered with amusement and that was good right? Meant he didn’t hate him now, at least. He yelped as Error suddenly pulled and he stumbled forward. Another hand caught his cheek, and his lips met Error’s. Lucian melted. He leaned in against the other, throwing his free arm over the other’s shoulder. Butterflies filled his stomach.

When they parted, he was breathless, and he was certain his cheeks were flushed red. A smile lit up his face. “So… Does that mean…?”

Error returned his smile. “Yeah I like you too, you idiot.”

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 5: Crime and Punishment

I once again hope to finish this chapter in one shot. 

And did you notice one thing? We are already five chapters into the third fic of the Saga, after the oh so grand reveal to our heroes in the final chapter of Too Exposed what the grand plot is. And five chapters in here, and we see NOTHING OF THE PLOT. 

When we last left, Caitlin, Emily and Kim and their american friends went on a nudist hike in the jungle, despite nudism being banned on the island. And just as they came to the edge of the jungle, they just happened to be arrested. 

"Sir, we're sorry," Brian beseeched. "Our clothes are in this backpack. No one saw us. Can't you please just let us get dressed and forget that this ever happened?"

Do you really think this would work? "Keep your hands out of that bag and carefully pass it to me," the officer ordered. "You Americans are all the same; you think we're savages and that you're above ours laws. I'll be making an example of you six."

What are the odds of just happening to get into the hands of a perverted cop? Well, this is Hogwarts Exposed, after all..... "But officer..."Caitlin began to implore. "Silence!" he bellowed. "I'm not interested in hearing any excuses or pleading. Save your whining for the judge. My truck is just at the end of this path, on the beach; head for it now and don't even think about trying to make a break." "But don't you want us to dress before leaving the forest?" Kim inquired. "I want you all to keep you mouths shut and do as you're told!" he answered irately.

Oh well.  Heads turned in shock as the six naked teenagers exited the forest and walked in a line toward the flatbed truck.

Come to think of it, isnt the cop here the one basically making a show here by forcing six naked teenagers to be seen in public? "What type of cop drives a flatbed truck?" Jeff asked his companions a little too loudly.

What an intelligent question to ask in such a situation.  "One that will have no problem shutting your smart ass mouth for you if you open it again," the officer threatened.

"Climb up onto the bed of the truck," he ordered, once they arrived at it. The boys assisted the girls up and then jumped aboard themselves. The bed of the truck had a pipe railing around its edge with three-foot tall supports located about every five feet.

One of the very few moments we actually get a description of something!  As the officer opened the passenger side of the truck and leaned in to retrieve something, Caitlin whispered to the others. "What's up with this guy? He arrested us for being nude, but now he's forbidding us to get dressed. No one saw us while we were in the forest, but now we've gathering a healthy size audience."

Well, it´s an excuse for another pointless scene where everything is fixated on the nakedness. Also, this is also a scene that serves the fantasies of the Suethor.  Before anyone could offer a possible explanation, the officer returned carrying an armful of handcuffs. He threw the cuffs on the bed of the truck and then climbed up himself. "You!" he yelled, motioning to Jeff. "Come here!" He grabbed Jeff's left wrist and slapped a cuff on it, quickly attaching the other side to the pole nearest the truck cab. He then picked up another pair of cuffs, attached one cuff to Jeff's right hand and ran the short chain around the next support pole before attaching the other half to Caitlin's left wrist. He continued this pattern until all six teenagers were standing cuffed to the railing facing the ever-increasing group of bystanders. Because apparently everyone wants to stare at naked teenagers. Then he just walked off, leaving them helplessly secured to the rail. For the briefest of moments, Kim's attention was drawn away from her bloated bladder -____- as she listened in embarrassment to two teenaged boys standing next to the truck. "I've never seen a naked girl before, have you?" The one boy asked animatedly, staring up at Kim in awe.

Have these boys never heard of the internet? "No," said his friend. "This is cool! Hey! How about giving us a better look?"

As I said, everyone is a perv here. 

I also think this is Neils way of showing how eeeeevul a society is that bans nudism.  Kim couldn't ignore them, but neither did she answer. She closed her eyes trying to pretend this was simply a terrible dream, but even so, she was powerless to hold back her tears. Brian, who was handcuffed to Kim's left side, shouted angrily, "Leave her alone!"

How powerful.  "Make me!" shouted the first boy. Then he glanced to his friend. "While he's gone, I'm going to finger her."

FUCK YOU NEIL  Kim recoiled, revolted at the thought, and at the same time realizing also that any incursion in that area would make it impossible for her to hold off peeing.

I hate this fic.  "No!" shouted Emily, who was shackled to Kim's other side. "Don't waste your time on her. I'll let you really have fun."

Oh how heroic of her, by acting so naturally like a girl her age should. Not. 

Also, my G-d is this creepy!  "What do you mean by that?" the boy asked, his interest piqued. "If you give me your word not to lay a hand on her," Emily said, "I'll spread my legs and crouch as low as I possibly can, and I'll let you touch me."

"Emily, you can't," Kim protested. "Yes I can," Emily persisted. "I got you into this. Besides, you know I can handle these circumstances better than you can. To me they're just body parts."

SHUT UP, EMILY, SHUT UP! 

I also hate how “this is not sexual” is constantly brought up in so rapey situations like these. The fact that they all are underage makes this worse.  "Cool!" the boy said eagerly. Fortunately, just as Emily started to squat down, the officer returned. The two boys and everyone else stepped back a few steps from the truck as he gave the horde an appalled look. "You people are just as bad as these brazen deviates! Go on about your business!"

Then why the hell did he want to “make an example”? Slowly, reluctantly the crowd began to disperse. "Your parents must be extremely proud of you," he said sarcastically, returning his attention to his young captives. "High on drugs, running around completely exposed, and having sex in public." "We don't do drugs, and we certainly weren't having sex," Caitlin protested. He turned in the direction of Caitlin, looking as if he were about to slap her surly face, but rejected giving into the desire. "I thought I said no talking! Now I suppose you're going to tell me you're not naked either?" he yelled. "Since you all seem to enjoy exposing yourselves, I believe I'll take the long way back to the station, through town."

“See how evil he is? He thinks they were having sex just because they are naked!”  Obviously, he expected a strong negative reaction to this comment, but everyone seemed to take it in stride with the exception of Kim. "Please Sir!" she begged. "I have to pee something awful. May I please relieve myself before we start the trip?" "You may not," he retorted maliciously. "I suggest that you hold it or you'll be facing additional charges." With that said, he returned to the cab of the truck and started the engine.

This doesnt make any sense!  As the truck bounced insensitively overland toward the main road, Emily gave Kim an anxious look. "How bad is it," she asked concernedly. "Bad," Kim answered. "I'm afraid I'm going to burst any minute and this incessant bouncing about isn't helping matters any." "Why don't you just let it out?" Emily suggested. "Squat down and relieve yourself before we reach the main road." "I can't," Kim responded in dismay. "Not here, not secured like this between you and Brian. I have no way on controlling where it goes; we could all wind up with pee on us."

I didnt need this image -_-  Emily, felt sorry for her best friend who was clearly suffering, but recognized that she was in no position to offer any real assistance. Hopefully, Kim would be better able to hack it once they were on a smooth roadway.

Come to think of it, why doesnt Caitlin just use her speshul hyperempath sue powers on the cop?

* * * * *

That was fun," Hermione remarked, as she and Harry returned to their stateroom. "The tropical forest was so beautiful."

So beautiful it didnt need a description.  "I liked that we finally all got to do something together," Harry added. "I've felt bad that Ron was always missing out on everything." "Ron seemed to appreciate that St. Kitts didn't allow nudity," Hermione agreed. "He must feel awfully out of place all the time. I've given up on the prospect that he'll ever feel comfortable enough to take his clothes off around us."

Cut for boring. 

Their conversation came to an abrupt halt when there was a loud knock at the door. "The captain needs to have a word with you right now," the messenger barked none too politely, when Harry unlock the door.

DUNN DUNN DUNNNNN

* * * * *

"What is with that cop? Is he mental?" Kim moaned, as she and the others waited unattended in a receiving cell, watching the hands of the clock move closer and closer to the scheduled departure time of their ship.

I think this is supposed to give tension. Or something.  They had broken the law; they all recognized that, but they couldn't fathom the manner in which they were now being treated. In the eyes of the law, they were guilty of indecent exposure for having hiked nude, but thus far their punishment seemed to be a prolongation of their crime, only to a much more serious degree.

This whole subplot is so stupid.  Now, still naked, they had spent the last hour in a dank jail cell - a completely bare cell without even a simple bench to sit on and certainly not equipped with a comfort facility.

Finally their evul cruel clothed tormentor returned, a perturbed expression on his face, carrying Emily's rucksack. He gave them a disgusted look as he forcefully shoved the pack through the bars. "Put your clothes on and be swift about it!" he shouted maliciously. "Your parents are here to pick you up." From the sound of his voice, it was lucid that he was not at all pleased with the judgment to let them go free. Probably because the judge found it ridicculous to force six naked teenagers to be overexposed (see what I did there?) in public. No one spoke, but instead they all rushed to dress before psycho-cop I did not change anything, Neil really wrote psycho-cop here. Yeah.  changed his mind. As soon as they were all clothed, he unlocked the cell and pointed reluctantly to a door. Without pause, they all rushed to it, Kim in agony in pink with each step. "Hurry!" shouted Brian's father to them all. "We have transportation waiting. They said they'd hold the ship for us, but I don't know how long."

THE TENSION IS KILLING ME  Hermione grabbed Emily and Caitlin's hands and hurried them out the door behind Jeff and his brother. Kim stood paralyzed, as if afraid to move.

Oh no, it´s coming.... "We have to dash," Harry said, running to Kim and scooping her up into his arms as if she were a doll. "Don't be afraid," Harry said as he hurried out the door. "Everything is okay now. Hermione and I aren't angry with you. We know this wasn't your idea." Before she had a chance to try and squirm free or even speak, she lost control of her bladder.

I HATE THIS FIC. 

It doesnt help how blatantly this was foreshadowed last chapter when Kim drank BEVERAGES, and how much Neil wanted us to remember this.  At first Harry had absolutely no idea what had happened. It was as if someone had opened a spigot and he was being flooded with warm water. Then Kim burst into tears.

As usual. 

I´ll let the following unsporked: "Oh my god!" she cried. "I'm so sorry professor. I've had to go for hours and he wouldn't let me use... I can't believe... Oh, I could just die..." "Calm down," Harry said, as usual maintaining his equanimity. "I'm just glad to know that it wasn't just me that caused such a reaction." In spite of everything, Kim couldn't help but laugh through her tears. "Ben did the same thing to me yesterday," Harry said with a laugh. "Just hold on to me tight until it's all out." Harry turned his back to the balance of the group that were now getting into cabs, as the torrent of warm liquid continued to stream out of Kim. "Harry, what are you and Kim doing?" Hermione shouted. "We have to hurry." "Just give us a moment," Harry begged. "We have some unfinished business." Finally, when the flow eventually subsided, Harry allowed Kim to slip to the ground. He waved his hands over Kim as he spoke an enchantment and then did the same to himself. Kim watched her professor in awe. She knew he was a great wizard but did not realize he was proficient in wandless magic.

This is the first we ever see him do it - if I remember correctly - and he is doing it in a scene like THIS. 

"That should do it," Harry said, grabbing Kim hand and running toward the cab. "We better hurry before they leave without us." Harry jumped into the front seat next to the driver and Kim slid into the back with Brian and his father. As Kim settled herself next to Brian, he sniffed the air and then turned to her. "How in the world can you spend the day hiking in a tropical forest, then going through what we just went through and still smell as fresh and clean as if you just stepped out of a shower?" Brian asked.

Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh fooorreeeeshaaadooowing  "I don't know," Kim said, as she shrugged her shoulders and smiled at Harry who had turned around in his seat and was now grinning at her.

I´m pretty sure this won´t be relevant later, trust me! 

* * * * *

"Don't you guys have any common sense?!" Jamie asked Emily, Caitlin and Kim once they returned to their rooms. Harry and Hermione had been asked, along with the parents of the other youths involved, to join the captain. "This isn't Britain. These people could have chucked you in jail and thrown away the key. What would you have had Harry and Hermione do then - magic you out?"

Well, they are witches, so probably yes - especially considering how powerful Caitlin is, despite how often this gets forgotten.  "I never thought we'd be arrested," Emily said. "That's the problem with you! YOU! NEVER! THINK! Sometimes I'm embarrassed to admit that you're my sister," Jamie said, frustration evident in her voice.

This is one of the very few times where Jamie Sue actually speaks common sense.  "Emily wasn't the only one," Caitlin said defensively. "We all did it." "Then you should all be very proud of yourselves!" she roared. "Because of you, the departure of the ship was delayed for over an hour and, once again, Harry finds himself groveling at the feet of that effing captain."

Why don´t they just use magic? "It wasn't our fault the owls chose now to deliver the letters from Hogwarts," Emily argued. "No that wasn't," Jamie admitted, "but what happened today was most certainly within your power to prevent. Laws are laws and they must be obeyed whether we like them or not. I detest clothes as greatly as you, but there are times when we have no choice but to wear them." "But that isn't fair," Emily protested. " LIFE ISN'T ALWAYS FAIR, AND THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!" Jamie retorted. "The sooner you find that out, the better off we'll all be."

Emily sulked as she tried to think of a way to change the subject. "So what did you and Felicite do today while we were getting ourselves arrested?" she asked.

Waaaay to change the subject.  "We spent most of the day at the hospital with her sister, Monica," Jamie answered still rather hotly, but she was beginning to cool down.. "Why? What happened to her?" Kim, who had been sitting quietly, asked. "She has a broken ankle," Jamie answered in disappointment. "But she was going to dance in the ship's talent competition," Caitlin shrieked. "How did she go about breaking her ankle?" "She didn't," Jamie replied, anger evident in her voice. "She was laying on the beach and had actually just dozed off, when a girl playing Frisbee stepped on her ankle and then ran off." "Hold on," Emily cried, as tears of blood ran down her pale face. "Haven't I heard this story before?" "Yeah." Caitlin agreed. "That's how Roz's friends tried to knock Felicite out of the competition last year. That's just too much of a coincidence." "Felicite and I agree," Jamie said, "especially considering that the girl doing the stepping seems to roughly fit Roz's description."

Of course.  "What are Monica parents going to do about it? Roz can't be allowed to get away with this!" Emily declared. "Unfortunately there were no witnesses, and Monica never got a good look at the girl's face," Jamie said disgustedly. "She was in dreadful pain." "It had to have been Roz," Caitlin said shaking her head. "She's eliminating the strongest competition so that her niece has a better chance of winning. If only I had been there, perhaps I could have healed it."

What a lazy way to prevent Caitlin from using her powers.  "Too late for that now," Jamie said shrugging her shoulders. "Perhaps it's best you weren't there. We've drawn too much attention to ourselves already on this cruise." "I thought she was different," Kim said downheartedly. "It was my idea for us to befriend Angel. She is just like Roz - cheating so she can win a stupid contest and not caring who she hurts in the process."

As you can see, this is building up for a massive *~* Misunderstanding *~*  "Sad part is that it will probably work," Jamie said disgustingly. "I've seen the tryouts, and the only real competition Angel had was Monica." Cut for boring. They talk Kim into performing at the contest. 

"I don't think I've ever met such a miserable man," Hermione said, as she and Harry discussed their meeting with the captain. "He makes Captain Blye seem like a pussy cat." "I think I'd prefer to be keel hauled rather than meet with him again," Harry said wincingly.

The saviors of wizardkind, everyone.  "There for a while, I thought he was going to have us all walk the plank," Hermione laughed. "He wanted to throw us off the ship. I could see it in his eyes," Harry said. "But he would have had to do it to all the families involved, and I doubt he could have justified that to his superiors."

Again: Why not using magic? "I understand him being upset, but even he admitted that the lost time could be made up," Hermione said. "I'm just thankful that the St. Kitts' judge was understanding. If it had been up to that perverted cop, the kids would be doing time."

Of course. 

But again, what exactly stopped Caitlin from hyperempathising the cop like she did with that gang of rapists in Florida? "What about the girls?" Harry asked. "We can't just ignore this." "I have an idea," Hermione suggested. "It will cost us a little money, but I think it will be well worth it to make the punishment fit the crime."

Uuuhhh...what cruel punishment could fall on the Sues?

* * * * *

Day Six, Saturday, August 13, 2005, Barbados ...and passengers are reminded again that public nudity is against the law in Barbados."

Oh the horror!  "I don't know about you guys," Emily declared, "but I don't think I'm even going to bother leaving the ship today; it's not worth the aggravation." "Sometimes you make me laugh," Kim said. "Why do you make such a big deal about wearing a swim costume, especially when yours is practically nonexistent?" "It's just the principle," Emily stated. "I'm still being forced to wear it."

As you see, the punishment is that they are forced to wear swimwear!  "I wonder if Bonnie is going ashore today?" Kim questioned. "I'd like to ask her about helping me with a routine." "In that case, we should find the recreation director and see if you can still get in the contest. Then I suggest we head for the pool," Caitlin said. "Professor Weasley and Bonnie spend most of their time there playing chess."

* * * * *

Cut for boring. 

Bonnie agrees to help Kim, while ogling her. 

"What do you think Mum and Dad want to see us about?" Emily asked. "I'm sure it has something to do with yesterday's fiasco," Caitlin answered. "They probably want to insure that there isn't a similar occurrence today." "I'm amazed they didn't punish us; at least shout at us," Kim remarked.

Way to tempt fate.  "They seldom yell, but they do have a knack of making you feel really bad; like you let them down big time," When the hell did they ever do that? Especially to Caitlin? Caitlin explained. "We should have never hiked nude." "I still don't see that we did anything so dreadful," Emily grumbled. "Everything would have been fine if that cop hadn't 'gone off the deep end' with us. It was outlandish the way he paraded us around, not even letting you take a pee." She looked intently at Kim. "How in the world did you manage to hold it so long? Emily asked. "Why you didn't even sprint to the bathroom when we got back to the ship. You must have the strongest bladder in the world." "Not quite," Kim responded, a ruby glow covering her face, but she didn't comment any further. "Oh look! Here come your parents. It looks like they've been shopping."

See? Harry and Hermione both had a devilish look on their face as they approached the girls. Hermione was holding Benjamin, who appeared to be snacking on the run.

More breast fixation, because of course.  "We wanted to talk to you girls before you went ashore today," Hermione started, continuing to feed Ben. "Don't worry Mum," Emily interrupted. "We learned our lesson yesterday. Kim has rehearsal with Bonnie this afternoon, so we're just going to go have a quick look-see, but we'll be wearing our swim costumes." Emily had been clutching hers in her hand and held it up. "You most certainly will," Harry said, "but not that one. Your mother and I decided to buy all of you new swim costumes to be worn ashore for the balance of the trip."

DUNN DUNN DUNNNNNNNNN

"But Antigua and St. Maarten allow nudity," Caitlin said timidly. "This is your punishment for what occurred yesterday," Hermione said. "If you wear these today and tomorrow without argument, Harry and I will reconsider allowing you to go nude on St. Maarten on Monday." As Hermione handed the identical swimsuits to the girls, they were acknowledged by three completely different reactions. From Caitlin's expression, it was evident that she didn't like the costume, but was willing to accept it as her punishment. Kim seemed to like the attire and was thrilled that they were all the same. Then there was Emily.

Clothes, oh the horror! 

Cut for boring. The girls return to the ship, and Kim says this, indicating her assimilation:

"You know what I've found to be most extraordinary?" Kim asked, but then went on without waiting for an answer. "It seems that people watch you more when you're wearing a costume than when your not. It's like they are waiting, hoping to see something they're not supposed to see. When you're naked they certainly check you out more thoroughly, but then they seem to go about their business realizing that they've seen all there is to see." Cut for a boring scene with Samantha and Jim. 

"Harry, am I a sex fanatic?" Hermione asked as they lay sunning near the pool, Ben sleeping contently next to her in his basinet.

Yes, given how sex obsessed everyone is here.  "Not that I can tell," he said, "but I'd have no complaints if you turned into one. That's assuming, of course, that I'd be the object of your lust. What exactly brought about this topic of conversation?" "I was just laying here looking at you, and I suddenly had the strongest urge to take you in my mouth and pleasure you here and now in full view of all these people."

Who talks like that? "Damn you, Hermione Jane," Harry cursed as he quickly rolled over onto his stomach. "You know full well that you'd never do any such thing in public. The only reason you said that was to see if it would cause a reaction. Are you happy?"

No.  "I'd be happier if you hadn't rolled over and hid," she confessed. "You know I love seeing you naked and hard."

-____- "Will you kindly change the subject?

Thank you.  "Okay, I think Kim has a school girl crush on you," Hermione said. "Kim? I hardly think so," Harry said lightly. "She might think of me as a father figure, since her real step dad was horrible, but nothing more."

The closest we ever kind of see of that is the last peeing scene. Otherwise we never see anything alluding to that. 

With that said, the whole thing seems then even more creepy.  "She was certainly holding on to you tightly enough the other night," Hermione said. "Now that you mention it, I guess one could say that she was showering me with her affection." Harry laughed. "Hermione, Kim hadn't peed all day. The poor girl was about to burst. When I lifted her into my arms to hasten for the cab, she lost all control. I stood there holding her, trying to hide the fact that she was inundating me with what seemed like a gallon of pee." "Oh my! The poor thing must have been mortified, and you..." Hermione just stared at Harry lovingly. "You just continued to hold her and then did a cleansing charm on you both. You had no intentions of telling me, did you?"

Why would he? Harry shook his head. "I'm sorry for prying it out of you." Hermione thought a bit and then chuckled. "Since the two of you have been intimate enough to share a shower, has she told you what her talent will be in the contest?" "No," Harry laughed. "That seems to be a well protected secret. Even Ron declined to tell me what's going on. All I know is that she is doing a combination song and dance." "Kim is extremely fortunate that a professional dancer is willing to take time away from her vacation to lend her a hand."

Why does this sound so wrong?

Cut for boring.

It ends with this:

"I'm having the same feelings," Hermione said, sorrowfully. "Emily and Caitlin are both becoming young women. I'm proud of them both, but I wish I could have shared more of their little girl years." "Me too!" Harry agreed desolately.

This sounds so creepy. 

Meanwhile, Ron is having a erection problem, and Sam doesnt now how to fix it. Then Jamie Sue shows up and decides to help them. 

"Look, I know this is none of my business," Jamie said swimming up to them, "but it's apparent you guys have a problem. May I help?" "I'm not sure what you can do to help," Sam said. "I talked Ron into getting in here and now we seem to be trapped." "How strong are you Professor?" Jamie asked. "Do you think you could carry both Sam and me at the same time?"

This sounds so wrong -__-  "That is probably the only benefit to being a werewolf," Ron whispered nervously. "We have incredible strength. But I don't see how my physical prowess will help in this situation." "My dad had a bad habit of getting aroused at the most inopportune time," Jamie explained. This must be running in the family. "Mum and I, or if Mum wasn't around, Emily and I would often shield him -__-  until he could get out of view. When it was Emily, and I we pretended to be fooling around. Emily would hang on his back and he would carry me against his front. To anyone that was watching it looked like he was carrying me off and Emily was trying to stop him."

This sounds so creepy :S  Sam looked at Jamie and then at Ron. "What do you think Ron? Could you do it? We'll pretend to fool around, and then you can grab me in your arms and carry me off right up the pool steps and down that empty passageway." She pointed to a passageway beyond the steps. "Jamie will hang on your back covering your rear. Once were out of eye sight, Jamie can run back for the towels." "I don't know," said Ron reluctantly, as he watched some more people occupy chairs around the pool. "I don't have any better ideas and if we don't do something soon, I'll be stuck here all day." "Just one thing," Jamie added. "I'm sure we'd all be more comfortable doing this the way Sam described, but since I've got some experience with this, it might be better if I cover the front." Ron looked around. Even more people were arriving, and now some were starting to enter the pool. "I... I... Sam she's done this before. I just want to get out of here," he said, now definitely in a panic. "Okay," Jamie said. "Don't waste time. I'm going to scream and splash you. Immediately pick me up, but don't hold me in your arms. That won't hide enough. Pick me up by my bottom and hold me tightly against you."

Jamie didn't give either Sam or Ron a chance to argue. She stood directly in front of Ron and gave a fake scream as she began to splash him with water. Almost forgetting either of them was nude, Ron reached his arms around Jamie, and lifted her off the bottom of the pool. "Don't think about anything," Jamie encouraged Ron, as she pretended to still horseplay and Sam leaped onto his back. "Just head for those steps." As they neared the steps, Jamie realized that Ron wasn't holding her tight enough, his erect penis would be clearly visible when they got above the water line. Without wavering, she grabbed it, forced it upward between their stomachs and then wrapped hers arms tightly around Ron to hold it in place.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK  No one said a word until they reached the shelter of the passageway. By that point, Ron's concentration on keeping up the charade caused him to return to a flaccid state. "I'll run back for the towels," Sam said. "I believe it's safe to put me down now," Jamie said with a smile. "Sorry about grabbing you, but it was somewhat on display."

I hate this fic.  "You weren't uncomfortable doing that at all, were you." Ron said more as a statement than a question. He was obviously embarrassed that she had to grab that part of his anatomy. "No, not really," Jamie said coolly as Sam ran up to them and handed Ron his towel. "It's difficult to explain, but Emily and I were brought up in an atmosphere totally alien to most people. What do you think of first when I say naked or nude? Please be honest."

.....here we go again. Ron turned pink and after some dithering said, "Sex." "Don't be embarrassed; that's what most people would answer. Our society has come to equate nudity with sex. Emily and I would have both answered 'comfort'. It's the same if you mention penis or vagina. Most people immediately think of sex, despite the fact that people urinate a lot more from those areas than they have sex with them. Professor, until you can purge sex from your definition of nudity, I doubt you'll ever be able to enjoy the naturist lifestyle. You must be completely assimilated!” Jamie checked her watch. "I have to go meet my friends; enjoy St. Maarten." Ron watched until Jamie turned the corner and then turned to Sam. "They should have her teaching sex education, not me."

And in a few chapters, she says she barely knows about bodily functions. This makes no sense. Again.  "I'm sure the boys would like that; she'd most likely teach the class in the nude," Sam said. "On second thought they might not like it; she'd doubtlessly require the students be naked, as well." "I think she nailed my problem though," Ron said, a look of self-disgust on his face. "I can't think of nudity without thinking of sex."

I´ll already say this: There is going to be like an entire chapter about such a class, and it goes nowhere.  End of Chapter Five

Sorry no cliff this time, but so as to not completely disappoint you; I've included a teaser from chapter 6.

The teaser is nothing special. 

As I was writing the last chapters of Hogwarts Too Exposed, I couldn't wait to write about the cruise; now I can't wait for it to be over and get back to Hogwarts. For those of you that feel similar, I have good news. We will be returning to the all-magical village of Hogsmeade by the conclusion of chapter six.

Yeah, but till we get to that point, we still have way too much filler of the cruise. The fact that the first 6 chapters are nothing but filler speaks for itself. 

[brokenhayatim]

comfort, control & a little light

[now playing: west by sleeping at last]

there’s a sense of me not liking being cared for bc perhapppsss i feel like i owe you something then. i don't like being indebted to people even if it doesn't seem so to you bc of relationships being “without strings”. the strings that are very much there for me will haunt me. then i feel like i owe you myself so i stay and i do something to make myself feel useful to you, maybe too much but one day, the attachment i have to you needs to be severed. the sooner the better.

i sort of knew i was a control person but it has come to my attention that maybe i do it too often. everything seems to be about control somehow and if im not on top it's too risky. and i don't win for pleasure but from on fear. that's slowly morphed into me just being me. i say i have this thing where if something isn't net balanced or me in the positive above you, i won't pursue i don't want in. it prevents growth and closed doors and prevents me from amazing things and people yeah but so what?

its also the reason i hate sudden change bc i feel not in control and when i find myself not in control, i panic and can't breathe and i want to scream shutup to everyone around me before i make a move. its not necessarily a bad thing and i don't do it to hurt people, but i can manipulate situations/outcomes really well. i choose my words, i never give too much, im cautious. my therapist says i wear masks around nearly everyone but ive been wearing them since before the third grade so we’ll have to excuse me for currently not knowing how to be a normal human and not wanting to release them..honestly, i don't know how to act without them and sometimes i wish i really really did.

when people care for you they give and what do you do? take. and i hate taking. ive been told that's all i do once - through essentially a threat - so please don't give. one of the ways people think not to give is if they don't think they can or should. u cant give comfort for pain without the pain. so maybe that's why i hate being cared for because someone else is put in control with me in pain, and i hate attachments so i’d rather you didn’t. apparently, there’s a mix of me thinking i deserve all of my pain as some punishment but..... sometimes i hate how unconsciously calculated i always am even around people i don't want to be. ive gotten so good at lying and hiding that ive just morphed into omitting so much of everything.

[cue the waterworks] i think growing up where and how i did, i really wanted people to see me for something else. i can't even tell if that was me - i blended into so many people so well. i remember the first time i felt my personality was honest for the first time in my life and that was senior year of high school. senior yea r. and then i closed up like a little bug again. i had people know and like me bc of who i showed them and it felt good. i didn't even use the word abuse till late last year. it's like this fantasy world i wanted to live in for so long caught up to me dissociating it all. if you show people your best face, they won't want to leave, right? ive lived in the negative for too long - that feeling of weakness or helplessness or always on edge for something to panic for next. so the minute i found control, i held it and i grew it and i ran away. i ran away and distanced myself from everything behind for months. sometimes i get really bad panic attacks when i think about this “independent” person falling back. then i think myself stupid for thinking i actually was this whole time. i just want to be free of it for once you know. so id rather you not accompany me to the hospital even if i died in that bed, or ask me if im okay when im in pain or ramble ten solutions for help. bc i don't want help from anyone. im fine. it's fine. i can do it by myself.

its funny how it all is. the way i think of everything first with having an expiration to plan for. i sometimes imagine ways things will end in the most realistic settings and then i imagine the blow. i make jokes about it, but im really not a long term person not in the way people deserve or need. and i like it that way, that unattached feeling of being in control, even if sometimes it doesn't end so. i never gave and took more than enough. and yet, i still blame myself. ive had the start of many relationships be of me wanting people to like me enough to be their friend and i gave them the best, some of them i still have and some not.

i met noor in a few days this month years ago and i don't think she’ll ever be able to know that she’s the single most best part of my life. and we started out with her being terrible at communication but there was always this tether of me knowing something was good here. i remember both moments i felt it and where i was. every year was just plagued with me knowing it would eventually end and she would go and it was this familiar sense of fear but almost worse. and i try to be optimistic, i really do, just not when it comes to me. i plan for the worst so it doesn't slap me in the face. i have a blind spot sometimes and that's a flaw, but i remember being less afraid and realizing that importance one day. i was just standing near the window of this backroom upstairs in the house and it was new and strange and did i mention strange? i mentioned it but i don't think it'll ever hold the weight it genuinely held in her mind - as she isn't in mine. but it felt like doing something so mundane for the first time and having it mean the world and the feeling was almost paralyzing. she’s the first person i wish i’d knocked down the wall and taken off all the masks sooner for and the only one right now. and sometimes i genuinely hate myself for it, i hate that i cant and i don't know how to and it seems so incredibly stupid bc it seems so easy but it's hard. so hard for me. you shouldn't have to struggle this hard to be something so simple to someone else, right? its hard to explain something like that. i know i protect myself but i didn't know how powerful that barrier was. how weak i seem to fight against it. sometimes i have moments of thinking this is it - the good run, and i literally prepare myself. i imagine all the worst scenarios and i psyche myself into thinking it was better for me, her, us. i have those still but not often. and it's crazy, right? that ‘not often’. i don't have a flight or fight response bc im used to fleeing, in the good, the rocky and the bad. i don't stay and fight when it comes to me, but i fight for us a lot. ive fought for people before and lost, mostly because i purposefully come to battle with just my hands. it was a weak attempt i knew wouldn't last. but i want to be better and i want to fight better, or maybe just stay longer on the battlefield and take the beatings. but at least im there. at least i haven't given up and gave it all i had. it might not be all im worth and i may still keep some weapons at bay, but with what i got, i want to give it my all. sometimes i write something and delete it twelve times when i want to ask for help or seek some sort of comfort; but im also used to not feeling important enough to receive that, even though i know that won't happen. sometimes when i don't get what i want or can't control that, i retreat and never say anything. she’s tough and i love that about her. but im also used to falling weak to tough people and sometimes the smallest things hurt or scare me bc i have those burns. i think im less in control around her and its scary for me bc im not used to that. but im also strangely okay with that bc i feel safe for once. i feel more than safe. and that means nothing more than something sappy i know. but when you grow up with violence in your home and on your mind, it feels so nice to just have that not in your heart for a minute. its something of light and she’s given me many minutes that i don’t deserve. that’s why i love her name. bc it is her by every definition in every way. i would love to be my name that i say i love, but im not there. and i don't know if ill be someone that heals if im still living in this body. but, if she isnt the best part about me..i don't know what it is. she’s my best friend. i would give her all the keys and she would be the first person to walk through the doors of this haunted house - fearlessly in the dark with a borrowed lantern still held near her heart.

[floramodus-archive]

==> Flora: Confess

floramodus raddddia i know im like

floramodus half hammered and the past 24 hours hasnt helped me much as a mentally stable individual but you know what? fuck it man i love you and not in a friend way though you are! one of my closest friends i just i love you alot romantically youre a hellfire in the arctic and i love you

tlmetravel im sure you think you do, sweets its the alcohol im not angry at you for relapsing, as a side reminder for later need help sobering up?

floramodus i need help for you to take me serious for once.

tlmetravel i am

tlmetravel im very serious about you needing to sober up

floramodus im already half sober because dean hasnt let me have anymore since he got home the point is: im not saying anything because im drunk. im not clinging to you because im drunk. i just had to watch my fiancee die, again, in full detail. im not saying these things out of of my ass, aradia, i love you.

tlmetravel you had to see that? on valentines day?

floramodus i made a choice to find the answer and i did, timing aside.

tlmetravel im proud of you for it im also sorry you had to see it oh, my poor girl, how you must feel happiness absent so strongly

floramodus ///I HATE HER MOIRA

tlmetravel //:)c

floramodus your avoiding the main topic and at this point i want dean to leave so i can go get moonshine because whats the point aradia. whats the point in dancing around it instead of telling me cold turkey? what do you gain from seeing me falter

tlmetravel im not trying to dance around it so much as give you the opportunity to take it back once youre more clear headed

floramodus thats almost painfully hilarous?

tlmetravel why is that?

floramodus because once again you arent taking me serious and i knew it would be this way for months. i knew sober or drunk youd find a way to make me regret speaking

tlmetravel im sorry if i have im just not sure what you want me to say

floramodus is it worth pursueing or am i barking up the wrong tree?

tlmetravel you have such a penchant for making yourself unhappy youve already dealt with enough serious, life altering topics think you might want to give it a rest before tackling this one give yourself a break

floramodus love in general? or love with you?

tlmetravel love in general is life altering

floramodus guess what! cock a doodle do my life is altered always! thats how we exist! thats how we keep sane! if you want to say no thanks than do it aradia ive been through worse.

tlmetravel you have thats why im not letting you have this discussion right now or make it into something trivial this is a battle for another day go to bed, flo

floramodus im not sleeping till you give me an answer i can sleep with

tlmetravel you are so endlessly cruel to yourself

floramodus i can sit on this couch all night and all day and die again and gain radia.

tlmetravel you do realize youre just proving my point

floramodus i dont care ///i typed that so loud every dog in my moms house just went off

tlmetravel regardless, im not what youve mistaken me for, flo im just happy and i think you just want to be happy too you have the right to be, at any rate //fck

floramodus just say it ///FUCK THEI R SCREAMING AND I PRESSED ENTER BUT ANYWAY

tlmetravel are you really so deluded as to think that just because /you/ dont care, the rest of us get a free pass as well? that well turn a blind eye to your safety breaches just because you throw a tantrum? you have /got/ to stop doing this to yourself you have /got/ to stop treating your life and everything in it with this kind of dangerous levity so no! you arent getting an answer! youre not getting anything until you tuck yourself in and let yourself /rest/ before taking on any more

floramodus ///I THOUGHT THat said fuck

tlmetravel //let dolly say fyck

floramodus well i guess this couch will be cozy while i sit here awake for as long as it takes

tlmetravel you will Not use your well-being as emotional blackmail not against me dave might let you and the rest of your friends might but you dont get to press on my moral values because /i have none/ and you will sit, and you will rot, and it will be for nothing at all

floramodus ///tfw aradia even makes me, the mun, feel like a piece of shit i love her

tlmetravel until you realize its pointless and let yourself out of this cage youve built out of whatever survivors guilt you brought back with you

tlmetravel //shes amoral and ppl forget and I love

floramodus you may have no moral values but ill tell you what i have thats less than that? the fucks i give about my place in the universe. i spent 7 years of my life questioning my existence to lose that existence and you know? i dont fucking care anymore. my life is mine to burn ///i like how u posted that and i sent the same screenshot 2 seconds earlier to joseph cause im living

tlmetravel //do u know how. pissed shed be at dave if she knew he let her go through w those amputation experiments?  not v much bc shes incapable of being angry at him but shed Want to be and I,

floramodus ///asdfghjk

tlmetravel you dont get to play with fire just because you dont know what to do with yourself. you dont get to use your own life as a punching bag for your whims you dont get to keep expecting for these bridges to go up in flames when so many of us love you you dont get to look at love and call us stupid

floramodus i never even said any of you were stupid

tlmetravel then why do you keep treating us like we are

tlmetravel like well let this slide if youre loud enough

floramodus im not treating you guys anymore than the best i can ! its not my fault you take my life so personal! what do expect of me? to sit in a goddamn corner and suckle vitamins for the rest of my immortal days?

tlmetravel youre our /friend/! itll always be personal for us

tlmetravel wed destroy anyone who hurt you but, to our great despair, the only one keen on hurting you is /you/

floramodus im not hurting myself im doing what nature and common sense dictate

tlmetravel oh thats rich no, you are purposely doing what hurts you the most out of whatever misguided sense of survivors guilt but guess what none of it will make you feel better and it sure as Hell doesnt make us feel good

floramodus guess fucking what! the clouds told me bec lives! im doing something right with my life! even if i have to cleave my goddamn skull in!!! two!!!

tlmetravel youre making accomplices out of innocent people by not letting them help

floramodus you arent scientists. you arent magicians.

tlmetravel you are actively tying their hands behind their back because they love you too much to tell you any of this i dont care, flora and i dont pretend to and i wont pretend to just the same as you so blatantly dont care about /my/ good friend, i dont care about yours i dont give a flying fuck if your dog lives

tlmetravel non gratum anus rodentum it only matters to us because it matters to you

floramodus ///the acid fucking crashed my laptop

tlmetravel and your high-brow, dr frankenstein, 'oh im a scientist you wouldnt understand' act is not pulling the wool over anyones eyes youre self destructive bec just gives you an excuse to con us out of doing anything about it //God ™

floramodus //im not responding until tumblr boots back up cause she is nuclear moira

tlmetravel //good im not saying you dont honestly care for bec im saying he also doubles as a handy excuse

floramodus so what do you expect me to fucking do. how do you expect me to react to you saying the last goal i have in life is just that, a worthless goal. do you expect me to be gratify? do you expect to graciously bow to your ancient wisdom and sit in a bumbo and learn how to be "healthy" again for the sake of comfort.

tlmetravel yes

floramodus your goddamn right im self destructive i wont hesitant to tear my self apart for any goal worth it what are you gonna do about it? be content your fucking right? humanity believe a nuclear bomb would kill us all but that didnt stop them and it wont stop me

tlmetravel or you could just treat yourself as a tool, a means to an end, because god forbid you see yourself as a person, because you /know/ deep down that how you treat yourself? isnt how you should treat a person humanity really isnt the pinnacle of reason nor does humanity interest me, were talking about /you/

floramodus im human in theory but guess what? im not a person. im a god, a means of survival

tlmetravel does that flawed rhetoric make you sleep at night at least? because i really wish it would

tlmetravel because its good for absolutely /nothing/ else

floramodus i wasnt put on this earth to be comfortable ive been living in gunpowder since i was 6

tlmetravel you really dont want to start a sob story competition with me trust me you know why id be afraid, if you did love me?

floramodus despite my urge to tell you to shove it back in the textbook you crawled out  of ill play your game. why

tlmetravel because youd put me above yourself and im historically against pedestals its a frightening thing to love someone who would damn herself in a second without looking over her shoulder death doesn't just happen to you, icarus, it happens to everyone around you your wounds are not just your own though they sting you most

floramodus icarus had one life. i have infinity

tlmetravel i dont care each one of your lives is as precious to us as if it were your last just because you /can/ doesnt mean you /should/ by all means, go on with this madness, tear yourself limb for limb if your heart is really in it just dont expect me to be quiet about it in fact, place no expectations on me at all hellfire, you called me hellfire, indeed

floramodus let he who has the match wick the bridge in flames

[thetotalfailure]

ok i dont feel like randomly bursting into tears ruminating on how stupid i am anymore

but i dont know if thats because ive had coffee and its 3am

which is another problem in of itself

my next counseling appointment isnt for another few weeks

but the first one feels like the dam broke

but it couldve been because of my intense hormone imbalance

but ive felt completely paralyzed

overwhelmed

i havent done anything all week and thats because i end up feeling like i want to cry instead of working so i go do something else which makes it worse

classic. there’s many articles about that online. fascinating. couldnt read them through the tears. why did i even try. i already know what i need to do.

but knowing and doing are two different concepts. ideas. actions.

i havent acted on any thought i have. good and bad. nothing

i dont know what to do at this point

i know venting isnt very productive because then i just end up getting stuck on the negative. and i dont want to shove the negative onto someone else. it helps no one.

its hard being nice to myself.

getting a proper diagnosis would get me on the path to not being like this

taking the steps to get such a thing is. i have so many other things i need to do.

i keep putting everything off.

the cycle

im trying but im not trying but i am trying but its really more like thinking about trying

how do i ask for help

i dont want any help. with doing things that is. i do want help. but not help to get to the help. which is ridiculous of me and why im stuck here not tearing up about it. 

i wish i wasnt like this. but wishing isnt doing. i just need. to. do. something. 

they told me to just sit down and stare at what im supposed to do for only a scheduled time. schedules. right. 

i even failed that. instead of just staring at what im supposed to be doing, i would do other things instead. i couldnt even not do what i wasnt supposed to do. ugh.

be nice to myself? how do i do that.

just turn something crappy in

i know that. i cant even get myself to do that. i cant even crap out the work. and now its late. i dont want to turn in crappy late work. but i know its better than nothing. but now im stuck in this stupid loop about it

its so fucking stupid. i cant use my own advice for myself. be nice to yourself. just turn in something crappy who cares. lower your expectations. dont care about what other people think. 

i dont. but i do. but i dont. but i really do.

i know what im capable of and i want others to know to

my standards for myself are high so i should lower them

but i dont want to seem low to other people

but i will seem low to people if i dont do anything. which is happening because my standards are high and now i have anxiety procrastination

so i should not care what others think and lower my standards for myself and turn in something crappy

oh my god why am i not doing this

and now im upset about me not doing something even after logicking everything out

im

so annoyed and upset and frustrated with myself

i dont think counseling will work but i know its a step in the right direction and maybe ill take the next step into making an appointment with someone else to get me more help because its probably just a chemical imbalance that would be fixed with medication but the complex system to get to that point takes up so much energy that i barely even have any emotional or mental energy to do what i need to do in the present time to get to step 50 and i know what im supposed to do is to break everything up into smaller pieces and delegation is a good step in the right direction but i dont want any help from anyone which is frustrating because there’s nothing wrong with getting help and i really feel like im losing it and i might just drop out of life and just. leave the state or something, not literally leave life. i wouldnt go that far. something silly like live on a farm. 

a decade ago i learned about a lot of psych concepts. rumination. ideas around self fulfilling prophecies and setting oneself up for failure. the big d word. 

although. a decade ago i had a vague unspoken idea about myself then. one i wouldve never allowed to fully voice itself even in my mind. which kind of doesnt make sense but i cant be poetic at the moment. just that. perhaps i wouldn’t exist in a decade.

i guess in a way, the me of the past truly doesn’t exist

but im still here. i exist. i have to deal with what i didnt do a decade ago. which is get help in some way dont get me wrong it isnt making myself not exist. 

it feels kind of awful. a decade of this nonsense with myself. a dance with high standards and letting myself fail from fear of failure. its a dark step in adulthood that i hope many don’t have to experience. the step of realizing that the future exists and i have to plan to exist in it. 

i think ive seen posts like that on this hell site. not having made plans for the future because they didnt expect to make it past a certain age, yet here they are.

it wasnt that . well. i guess in a way it is. i don’t know what i expected. but i certainly didnt plan anything for the future. it was anxiety about it. maybe i spoke about it in a previous entry. 

i hated. well. that might be a little too strong of a word. i disliked my so in hs because all they thought about was the future. their plans for it. their dreams. the little white fence with the 2.5 children and whatnot. i disliked thinking about the future. i enjoyed talking about Dreams for the future. oh lets live together with friends and who will be the DD and who will be the funny roommate and sitcom style adulthood with everyone graduating and having jobs and enjoying life. thats not a semi solid plan for a future. just a dream. something silly friends talk about. nothing serious. why think about what lies in the future when someone didnt really expect to. exist? im not sure what it was i thought. just my vague aspirations. 

wherever the wind takes me.

i still think like that. but i suppose i have a more solid plan/idea for what i want

but its hard. its been easier these days for the dark thoughts to creep back into my brain. easier in the sense that they’ve just taken over completely. why did i think i could do this or that when its easier to just lay in bed all day with the blinds shut and blankets blocking reality from sight. why bother when ive already set myself up to fail. i knew i didnt have to do this. why did i do this. i could just work my way up from the bottom and secure a job thats just barely above minimum wage. but i dont even believe i could do that. everything is so much energy. im even writing this instead of writing what im supposed to be working on. why am i like this

i dont want to talk to anyone else about this because. i already know its not productive the way i think so it would just come out the same nonproductive way. ill drop a thought here and there. but not the full struggle. why tell someone when i can tell a professional and yet i dont even tell the damn professional.

but be nicer to myself

its hard. its hard on my and myself and im hard on me and myself. another horrible cycle.

im tired of all of this. and i dont like being treated as fragile i guess. 

theyve been texting me the past few days with messages of affection and affirmations. its nice but. it just feels empty to me. which is frustrating. i know its just the bad side of my brain telling me to ruin it all completely. i dont know how to voice it without hurting anyone. i want to wait for my next appointment because i know its just my brain being illogical

but everything costs energy. i just simply feel like a time bomb. or maybe ive already gone off and im more like a candle thats burning out

i feel like im burning out

or that im already at the end and im just a whisper of smoke

i know that everyone can be compassionate or understanding and maybe accommodating, but im afraid ill only be met with sternness and a loss of respect somehow. like im just making excuses. especially because its not like im diagnosed officially or anything. i know im not the only one. but it feels like im the only one. and what if i am the only one. i dont want to be singled out 

i dont want to be treated differently. maybe understanding. but. not differently. not negatively.

they. i dont want them to stop but i dont even understand what i want instead, so i dont want to stop them. in a way it shows they care because they do care but. it feels shallow. i dont know what i want from them at all. which is probably why i want to press the self destruct button and ruin it for both of us. but thats unfair to them and thats unfair to me. so i should just talk to them about it. effective communication. 

back to step one i suppose. i need the energy to do. anything. anything at all. god d

be nice to myself. that’s hard.

[survivorinternational]

Episode 3 - "I wish you were BORN in 1920 so you wouldn't be in this org" - Emily

I was close to getting an idol without searching more than twice. Michael told me he had been gathering info and narrowed down to three locations, I had already searched one so thats two. Tyler was going to search one, micheal the other. So i thought: if i beat one of them to an idol search i will have it without then knowing. But idol was gone, rip. At least I have an alliance now, i like tyler idk about michael though. Anyone who can gather that much idol info must be shady to some degree. 

I am pretty good at Semantris but we are not winning this challenge.

----------

Oh yeah I guess maybe I shouldn't try too hard to not be a challenge target at merge. I guess I'll try to get the promised 6k ; my top 5 scores are 6k - 9k for comparison so it might not be the easiest thing. 

----------

So far Vilma, Richmond (Clash) and Ginger have said they will attend the watch-together. Hopefully we have a good time. 

----------

Day 5: God that music video is hilarious... basic... but funny Immunity win! YES! Still undefeated as a tribe. Continue to build social relations. Worked out most places that have been searched... Maybe i should do a spread sheet. Tomorrow Me and Tyler will search the last few places and hopefully find the idol. Day 6: GG Ruthie. Reward challenge, Word association, ok. Idol search has produced nothing... This is concerning... Someone must have it by now but no-one is saying. My guess is that its Stephen. Dean is more distant, this is also concerning. Dean is sitting out this challenge. Approached Tyler and Stephen about an alliance, Its going ahead, invited Jacob to be a 4th. If all goes to plan, I should know where all votes are going atm, It seems that most players trust me the most and are willing to work with me, but this is a double edge sword. Talk of a swap is happening... god i hope not yet.

So Laelaps comes up and tells me that there's an alliance of 4 forming with me not inside - Tyler, Stephen, Jacob and himself. Yes it does give me some comfort that he's told me and that we're still sticking together, but I don't like being possibly on the outside 4 to 2. I'm just trusting in my alliance of Jacob and Laelaps that even if they're playing both sides they'd rather take me, and I'm trying to appear less threatening to save myself here.

I hate to sound like that brawn comp beast girl but my tribe is full of inbreds and incapable of doing anything well. first of all, our music video was SHIT because only me and patrick actually tried and contributed something worth anything. second, this flash game is literally so easy..... and they're all like uWu I can't do it :/ like are y'all dumb dumb STUPID dumb? like what's up man? I've been doing this for like an hour at most and I've been getting 4400+ consistently and Patrick goes "my high score is 1920" bitch WHAT I wish you were BORN in 1920 so you wouldn't be in this org that was mean I'm kidding lol but im not I hate this tribe they're all so BORING I need some different timezones in my life. someone put vilma on my tribe. I don't know her and post season I really hope she doesn't think these confessionals are creepy. vilma I want to be your best friend everyone on my tribe sucks ): also last vote (sorry I didn't make a confession about it early) was okay - Ruthie wanted to go so we voted her out. ): rip her I love her so much. I was really looking forward to playing with her. but the good thing was it was easy and simple. if we go to tribal again idk if it'd be as simple lol. also im so bad at talking to these people???? they're so bland!!! maybe others are talking but im certainly not getting anywhere socially except with randy occasionally. I'd want to work with randy or Patrick. im not the biggest fan of liana or Daniel so if we went to tribal again that's who id want to go. I think I could make it happen too. maybe? who knows maybe they have it out for me fjdlkasjflas uhhhh okay bye bye

if the 24 hour challenge is word race i will flip 

I love European Michael, he is the best European. 

During the word making immunity challenge the Europeans were up at 4am kicking our butts and Tyler who isnt participating starts talking about a European girl on their tribe that seems to be good at everything so I go to check and I think it's Vilma and want to confirm with him. Then the next word we had to make was coincidentally V5, so guess what I wrote xD 

I think I'm coming off bossy in my tribe. Which I don't want to seem. But everything has got to be perfect and in order so there are no mistakes. We must win. 

You know what? im going to bed. If we lose the challenge so be it, itll be healthy to vote someone out. I am not slugging away through a 24hr challenge against a beast. I’m just not. And if Veni whats to make himself known as a challenge beast, he can do that, I’ll just be gunning for him come merge/swap. I know other people might do the same. But, you know, good for him.

So the w9 game is going on and my tribe has 3 and the others have 20 so it’s like for sure that we’re going to tribal tomorrow. And I have professed my love for randy and he returned it and I like Emily and we’re talking about our idol searches, so that’s 3 of 5 already. My tribe is just like a very quiet tribe nobody talks besides Emily. When I saw how good the other tribes music videos were I got very concerned about their amount of communication compared to ours. Idk who I want to vote out I think I like David a little more but I’ll see what the other two think. 

I am literally so happy I've got such devoted comp beasts like Vilma and Veni in my tribe ! And we're also close allies ;) It's cool, I don't need to slay comps to win this... I just need my social skills with me and they can continue to write words :) 

Patrick keeps calling Daniel David and if that doesn't tell you enough about my tribe idk what does. but who does it say more about? Patrick or Daniel? honestly who cares. Patrick, Randy, and I kind of banded together like "we're the only active ones lol let's vote together" so I think it's gonna be Daniel! sorry but the dude does NOT speak. and I know this is his first org over here and we're super boring... I feel bad. but yeah he's also boring! and he's sort of good at comps but not really dude. so I think it's gonna be him. after this tribal, im pretty sure that we are tribe swapping. yay final 14! I don't mind going to tribal honestly. I feel safe because I'm slightly more active than some of the other people. like it's sad to say im the most active member of my tribe but im constantly out with my friends or at work or neglecting my responsibilities. oopsie! yeah so im gonna hope and pray no one is planning a blindside on me but like if they were they'd be fucking stupid also there's no god damn way they're pulling something they don't care enough? like genuinely this tribe is so quiet. it's not that they're not talking to me. it's that they are not here. that makes the pre-merge easy for me because I can control what happens on my tribe for the time being... because it's easy? and everyone kind of thinks of me as a leader I think? because I TRY. that's IT. anyway lol yeah my plan is to vote out Daniel. and then swap onto a tribe with Vilma pls 

Our tribe results: *posted early in the afternoon that we lost* Tribe: *doesnt talk to me* Me, a few hours later: *messages everyone trying to start a conversation and no one responds for a while* Emily: *responds once and goes offline * Pat: *responds once* Emily: *gets back online and I see both her and Pat's green circles but neither has responded to me* Me: "are you bitches conspiring against me?" Whatever I will probably have to play my idol and I am thinking about playing it against pat or Emily.  Daniel is just new so that's a good excuse for him. 

If it wasn't a double tribal we'd all still be here but unfortunately we have to go to tribal tonight. Tonight for me could go very simply, keep my alliance of Michael and Jacob happy by voting out Dean who no one seems to have connections with, but I am getting a bit paranoid because besides Tyler, knowing seems to be talking to me or continuing my conversations which to me is a telltale sign that you're not included. The good thing is that I do have an idol and if I need to play it I will because better safe than sorry. 

All right, so we’ve got alliances out the wazoo rn. Along with a heavy handed dash of loose lips. So tyler tells me that sluggy made an alliance with everyone but me and dean, then sluggy tells me he had a super early alliance with michael and jacob. All this tells me that Micheal especially is playing the middle, being in two alliances with him already myself. It also tells me that sluggy cannot be trusted with info. But sureeee ill be in a 2man alliance with you sluggy -_- Right now I dont trust anyone, even tyler, but ill keep this info to myself, if sluggys playing me this might be a test to see if i tell tyler or anyone else. I just need to make sure I lay low and keep the target off my back. Fingers crossed I don’t get blindsided, but at least I know I am in no way in control of this tribe, keeps me on my toes. 

----------

So i think ive settled things enough to feel safe, i think everyones voting dean, deans voting jacob. The only wildcard is jacob who wants to split, but doesnt know who. Tbh if he does i dont want him to tell me who it is, ill only feel guilty if he does. As long as it aint me right? 

I guess to summarise the word race because I doubt I did confessionals during that. - Michael the helper was really cool and I really enjoyed our banter in tribe chat hopefully we cross paths again. We did add eachother on Snachat. - Me and Vilma once again were the most dedicated scoring 34/35 for our tribe together. She is absolutely my ride or die partner in this and I will do anything to get one of us to win the thing. - Survivor Africa watch was good, we watched the first 3 episodes though it was just me and Vilma (see the trend?). Sadly apparently that will become illegal if we swap and are not on the same tribe which is pretty sad. - Swap is incoming, everyone knows that. Question is, will it be entirely random? If so, I flipped a coin to test my luck and it failed me. My predictions have been on point this season so moral of the story: this swap won't work well for me. - ALSO I CALLED THAT IT'S WORD RACE I HATE YOU ALL BECAUSE I AM TOO DEDICATED FOR MY OWN GOOD GODDAMNIT peace out homedogs 

After that intense tribal council I am shaking so much, I did get to talk to Stephen and Tyler a bit alone afterwards in the call so it was nice to be able to get a feel for their true feelings without the disguise of text. At this point if Dean didn't have that idol, either Michael/Stephen have it, or it hasn't been found yet. The good news is that with it being final 14 i can expect a tribe swap into 2 tribes of 7, and that gives a lot of room for bonding, I'll continue to do what I've been doing with the friendliness and hopefully I'm not just swapped alone. I can always try to weasel my way into the cracks of a team if I am, but I'm not quite ready to play the victim card, I still have a long stretch of game left in me before I do that. 

Well what's cooking is that I really really think it's gonna be me this vote lol, no one has talked to me and well, yeha 

2 immunity wins in a row hell yeah! Ngl, I wasn't SUPER worried about this one because if we lost, I think it was almost certain that Ginger would go. Ginger didn't submit in the last immunity and barely helped in this one and has barely spoken to any of us. Clash and I had a call the other day which was good and gave us an opportunity to discuss a bit of game which was good. We talked about who we liked/disliked and I found out that he knows Ginger but doesn't like him. It's almost certain that next round is a tribe swap and I'm praying I get put with Clash. Right now, my ranking of who I'd want to go forward with is probably : Clash>Vilma>Veni>Ginger 

Oh bless at us winning but at the same time I don’t trust ginger so idk if that’s the best but let’s hope for the best and hope I am in a tribe with Vilma and randy next tribe swap hehe 

Where is this idol?? No one claims to have found it and I sure haven't either. Could use a clue right now. Too bad my tribe mates didn't agree, since THREE of them STRIKED at the reward challenge. I literally burst into laughter when I saw that. My I C O N I C fail of a tribe. Veni and I are the only ones who truly care about challenges. Well Allan cares a bit as well, but he also seems to have a life, so, I'm happy for him, although jealous! But I bet we would've lost every single pre merge challenge if Veni and I weren't overly enthusiastic about them. I just hate tribal, okay? Plus I guess I admit I'm somewhat competitive, because I don't think I could handle just throwing a challenge without trying at all. That would feel simply wrong. Veni and I went all out in the immunity challenge too, we napped in shifts and made sure one of us was around throughout the entire challenge so we had the possibility to score a point at all times. Plus we made a huge ass google sheet so we could just copy and paste answers whenever a new letter got posted. The first 15-17 hours or so I thought the Aussie tribe was for sure going to beat us (they were soooooo fast, but so was Veni thank god), but I guess they got sleepy by the end and we won!!!! YAYYYYY NO TRIBAL Veni almost posted a gif of himself as a chicken to the challenge chat I would've died if we got a warning for that He meant to post it on tribe chat https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/410716559632367616/599331778934603786/mmm_veni_2.gif I don't know who I'd vote if we went to tribal that's why I really would like to avoid it Plus I'm scared Veni and I's activity is pissing people off Don't wanna go home yet I'm having fun Ugh fuck I'm losing focus LOOK AT THAT FOUR AUSSIES GOING AGAINST ONE LITTLE ME HELP Ugh Veni will be busy in about 30 mins and then I'm gonna be in big trouble At least he let me shower I feel like a human again But it'll be tough If I was normal I'd just chill but I don't have it in me I don't know how to chill I love winning too much I gotta get that bag It's a thug life It's a thug life WE WON CHALLENGE WE GOT A BIG LEAD THEY CANT CATCH UP FUCK YEEE I CAN SLEEP EARLIER I am just glad we don't have to vote anyone out Would've sucked I feel like these past 24 hours brought closer together So I would've hated it if someone had to leave (Especially if it was me) But F14!! WOOP We're surely going to swap after the double tribal and I'm excited but scared!!! Excited because I'm ready to meet some new faces even though I've grown a liking to my flop tribe, and scared because I feel after the last challenge it's pretty apparent Veni and I were the more active members of our tribe and we could get targeted for that. My plan is to try to lay a bit low at swap, but still make sure I get to know everyone one on one to make solid new connections. I really hope I don't get swapfucked, hope to remain in the same tribe with as many og Faatasi as possible. Let's go!

Damn work keeping me to busy to do confessionals. Reward Challenge: This appears easier as we go on. Quite enjoy this. Aim for over 5000. Got 7200 in one of my first tries... Aim is 10,000 Settled for 8200, sick of looking at my screen. Some of these word associations don't make sense. Who doesn't associate Video games with words like Play or fun... REWARD CHALLENGE WIN! AWWW YER!!! Comfort Items get! And in comfort items... A Vote Blocker!!! BOO YAH!!! Immunity Challenge: I called this 12 hours before the challenge began. I am a legend. Seems that most people are busy this weekend. I will do what I can but i will be busy for a good 6 hours of it as well Veni and Vilma are thorns in my side with this, they just type so quick VENI DOESNT SLEEP WTF!!! I cant keep up, I tried my hardest but cant keep going at 3am. We lost :( Tribe life: Current Alliances: The UHC Alliance, The Idol Hunters Alliance. Sluggy has suggested an Alliance between Tyler, Jacob, himself and me which I agree to. Vote is very straight forward, We are all voting Dean as he isn't very active unfortunately. I wanted to try and keep him around but I think I was the only one chatting to him. If Dean has an Idol then it will be Jacob going, which is also fine with me as I think Jacob will be a hindrance later in the game Dean is voted out 5-1 The idea of a swap is brought up, which we all agree is likely to happen. In the UHC chat, Sluggy brings up the point that Veni could spill the beans about knowing each other out of this survivor. Its a good point and I really didnt want to but I told my Idol Hunter Alliance about the fact I knew Jacob, Sluggy and Veni outside of the game but I play each survivor without using my relationships from outside the game effect it.

RIGHT so here we go again u crack heads. Hate u all, this is for round 3 btw so dont get it TWISTED, sorry I made a VIDEO confessional and forgot to post it OOPSIES. Anywho, like the who’s from whovillie here we are partying minding our own business, well me at least because while I went out clubbing everyone else had to do the challenge. Sorry about it. They all love me anyway so ALL good in the HOOD. Here we are thriving Michael is absolutely carrying the team. So while the challenge was popping off Sluggy approached me asking if I was in any alliance, I high key avoided the question and just said who im trying to trust, and HIGH KEY dropped hints that dean wasn’t one of those people. He start saying if we should make an alliance chat, I was elated by the idea and smiles were HAD. The alliance included Myself, Sluggy, Michael and Jacob which is everyone expect Dean and Stephan. This is the exact same as the other alliance chat but without Stephan and Sluggy in his place! I like Stephan tho, so I went and dibba dobbed on sludgy real quick, like a speed demon u could say. Sluggy was out here trying to make ME make the alliance chat, like no thank u that can be UR job I need to tell people I was DRAGGED into it so I CANT make it SORRY. Anywho he made it. So we accidentally LOST the challenge, and much to my SURPRISE due to my lovely CONNECTIONS with these lovely people! I wasn’t targeted at all even tho I sat out and went clubbing. Yee haw, I exclaimed out of excitement. My target is Dean going into this tribal. A.) he seemed really arrogant and annoying during the music video round. b.) his video submission gave me NIGHTMARES now I can’t even hug my pillow without feeling UNSAFE and C.) we dont talk. So ooop here come the kiddies lining up in formation asking what we should do for the vote. Ooo I want to vote Dean but I simply never say it because im not a GOOSE well I try not to be a GOOSE. I say how I feel good with … but never include dean, I then wait for them to say anything negative about dean and oops I agree real quick and keep the convo focused on dean. People were talking in a alliance chats but I was highkey ignoring them because I COULDNT BE BOTHERED I talked to everyone in pm’s tho, love that for me. So Michael is over here being everyones friend so I threw him just a BIT under the bus for a later date. Like I built the ramp and the final destination is under the bus but we aint gonna push him yet. ANYWAY Dean went home yay he will be missed just not by me. 

[jess-oh]

Reflection

Hello journal!

I did not reach the 10k steps today and fear I am falling behind my friends but I just gotta work harder and catch up tomorrow!

I started choreographing “My God is Powerful” earlier today while waiting for the bus and a bit while waiting for the train and I did feel a little self conscious bc I didn’t want people to think I was crazy but I think I did a pretty good job at keeping myself accountable and just trying not to think about what they thought. I thought about what moves to do to and from work as well! I think I got the majority of it done but there are a still a couple parts I’m a little cautious of that I’m not super happy with. I mostly need a replacement for “powerful” instead of just pointing up all the time. It feels a bit redundant. I’m thinking of doing something else during the verse so it isnt so repetitive? I gotta do some more research but I do want to try and get it done and record it for Jenny by tonight and then keep practicing it tomorrow while also starting on the next song. I want to have at least 2 songs done by Sunday. 3 if I really try. I don’t think I can get all 5 done and be confident in them all and plus, I only have an hour to teach anyway so assuming not every song is super easy to learn, this is going to take a while. I want to figure out how to best teach it to. I think I’m going to do it once fully through with the music and then divide and conquer. We’ll learn one verse/chorus at a time with no music, try just that portion with music, and continue to practice. And then we’ll move onto the next part and do just that portion. And then both pieces together. And continuously add on another piece, bit by bit. I’ve only ever tutored in intimate settings but never taught a class so I am a little nervous but I’m also excited too. While choreographing, I remembered how fun these songs were.

Because I’m really not that close with anyone on the guat team except maybe judy, ive been questioning if i was just delusional. but i was ready a couple old posts and it reminded me of our training days together. they were hard and i dont think we were super close but we definitely got along and i am really blessed that i got to serve with them. 

ive been doing a lot of reflecting too. especially on my commute back home from work today since my earbuds died. and im starting to process how things were my fault as well. i definitely had severe victim mentality before though i’d never admit it. and i did blame other people for my shortcomings a lot instead of looking at my own thought process and personality. i think i’ve said it was my fault too but never really ever took responsibility for it and i should have. i held people to unreasonably high expectations and was really harsh with my rule. probably because thats how i treated myself and i expected everyone to function at the same level when obviously, not everyone was created to be that way. i also thought about james since i had the hardest time getting along with him. i did have a crush on him in middle school and i do really wish i could just take ever saying anything back. and i did look to him a lot for approval our senior year. but i dont think it was bc i had a crush on him again. i think i was just so desperate for his approval bc if he accepted me, that meant everyone else could too. but why was i so afraid to talk to the guys anyway? theyre just people and as human as anyone else. i spent so long fearing that i was too loud or too passionate or praying too hard and it did really stunt my faith bc there was a fear of really letting go. i think sa-rang’s biggest issue is its emphasis on community which is a weird thing to say. bc community is definitely important. but i think it becomes toxic when community becomes more important than being real with God. I spent so long hearing people gossip, constantly, about such stupid things and as a result, I was so scared that there were saying the same things about me. But honestly, who am I to judge bc I gossip all the time too. As much as I hate to admit it, I do vent about other people and point out their flaws bc I’m insecure and it’s so stupid and I’ve made up countless excuses saying that it’s my only way to connect with other people bc thats all they talk about or how i cant tell the different b/w gossiping and venting when in reality, there is no line. it’s the same. i was just being a fool. whenever i vent, im venting to vent and not bc im seeking advice. im venting bc im angry and frustrated and want someone to listen. and thats why this journal is so important. i cant help that im angry sometimes so let me write them in my private journal here instead of spreading negative thoughts and emotions. let me process it and approach the problem with a clear head instead of acting out of rage and emotion. i have a lot of growing to do.

and ive been saying that i think i just need to be so confident in myself that nothing phases me and i no longer feel the need to fit in. but honestly, that fear that i wont fit in is still there and i still really want to. and im afraid that if i am unapologetically me, bc i grew up around people that were super churchgoers, my perspective is different and thus, people wont understand or agree with me. but i do think i would rather be myself and outcasted than trying so hard to fit in and outcasted. bc at the end of the day, the only person that matters is God. and so long as I am being true to Him, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or feels. If they judge me and ridicule me for pouring my heart out unto God then so be it. I will take it as a sign that I can’t grow spiritually there and leave. But I want to give them the chance. I hope I can influence them into being unafraid and just totally raw and honest. no longer dry. no longer stunted. just so in love with Christ and drowning in His grace. I want to lead by example. I know that God has called me to Lakeview and I’m glad and I think I have started making progress in people’s lives here. But I was also raised in Sa-Rang and I think that’s of some level of importance as well. 

I always feel bad whenever I see other people just being showered in love and praise bc I don’t get that from so many different people. And I know that it’s bc theyve done more than me but I think in adapting that mentality, I tried to reach out to more people for the sake of praise instead of just to genuinely give and serve. And I want to do that instead. i want to get to a place where I can so graciously and willingly and freely give out my time and effort and services without expecting any thanks in return. And honestly, I think I’ve gotten somewhere near there. And it’s a thankless job and definitely sucks but I just need to trust in God, knowing full well that He has seen my efforts and how hard I work and is so proud of me as a result. I always felt like the loose screw at Sa-Rang and always wondered if people were just pitying me whenever they did pay any attention to me. But when I talked to Judy, or Lauren, or even Loren, they seem to actually really like me for me. I’m replaceable, sure. But there’s no one quite like me. With my unique experiences and reactions and lifestyle and choices. I am the most me that will ever and as such, God has a very specific goal in mind for my life. And I am so excited to see what it is as He continues to unveil it to me. Really. I love God with all my heart and I know that I stumble in my faith sometimes and worry too much on what’s currently in front of me but He is undoubtedly real as He is shown me time and time again. Nothing will ever bring me such immediate peace as He has given me. Nothing will ever feel like His heart and love for His children, in such unbearable pain. I felt it. It was so heavy but He is so unashamed of His children and really loves each of them so dearly and so very much. And I’m hoping to continue to spread that message to anyone who needs to hear it.

[isaacathom]

ok this is actually a fun bit of writing here, even if the preceding shit was kinda garbage

tl;dr this bitch has to rant about this stupid book because i naively want to learn something about my family’s history and this is the only fucken way to do it

‘When he discovered he had to work to help provide for this instant family of a large flock of children, ‘Mick’ showed his true self and devotion to the family.

Within a year of the marriage, he left the fold, leaving his wife to fend for herself in the daunting task of raising her children.’

like.aside from just being kinda awkwardly worded (he bangs On and On about how his mum was the 11th of 11 children like fuck i get it its a big family, holy shit) i think thats just. a good concept there. the space really sells the punch. wouldve been better if we hadnt been told beforehand that Mick was a cunt, yknow. but thats nice

also lets keep going. ‘6 step brothers and 4 step sisters’ theyre actually her Half Siblings. they all share the same mother. theyre related. she’d be step if she was adopted, which she was not, because if she were, surely we wouldve been told about those circumstances.

‘[his mother] easily met that high standard as she was a very pretty young lady’ please dont perv out over your fucking mother you pig of a man. also you would hope ‘jock’ (his name is fucking robert but ok, Jock) was interested in more than how pretty Nellie was when they got together, right......... like there had to be more to it. am i naive? perhaps

‘scottish clan gordon’ the what. but we arent gordons???? are you. are you hundred percent sure. are you positive about this. are you sure thats why your name is gordon. alright buddy

‘according to buzzy’s story’ please never refer to yourself in the third person

‘hotels rarely burn down’ ?? i dont buy that at all. my guess is this famous hotel (which.... you didnt name so ok)

ok so theres a picture in here of my dad standing at some random gate, and he says its the same gate as a picture of his dad..... where is THAT picture??? this picture means nothing without that historic context, and it feels hollow if the actual picture isnt there.

granddad you dont. you dont need to wikipedia article dump me information about glasgow??? i mean sure, cool, id rather just be reading the wikipedia article.

jesus christ. so hes talking about his dad, right. who he’d technically set up earlier by saying he came to melbourne at 19. before he launched into a whole thng about his mother and shit. and suddenly hes come back to his dad to explain that his dad (so gordons grandfather) used to beat him! and its like, wOAH, where the fuck did that come from??? shit dude. thats rough. but he just mentions it suddenly out of nowhere. oH JESUS actually. sorry. i misread (yknow, because its written like shit). he means.... his brother??? right, he means his Brother Robert, was beaten by his dad, also named Robert, who was the one who came to melbourne aged 19. ok. ok that makes slightly more structural sense but ooof. ouch. poor robert (the younger). in my uh, defence, this book is written awful and i've never met robert? (my.... understanding is that he probably died before i was born? like with mary, who i dont recall having met either)

ok uhhh ‘most of the gorbal’s tenemenets were eventually demolished by the wise founding fathers many decades later, in the 1980s’ the WHOM. this isnt fucking america, this is scotland, what in the actual fuck are you TALKING about????????????????????????????? ‘modern day replacement improvements and architecture designed to achieve, what?’ fucker they were trying to fix the mistake they made in crowding 90k people into the fucking gorbals. maybe they didnt succeed (they didnt) but they were trying, it was naivete rather than fucking malice, you bitter old fuck. like, you visited in the 1980s.... and published this book in 2007......... without thinking to check back......... like hey maybe theyve gotten better? (newsflash - they fucking have) sooo... fuck

‘could the [my family] be related? [to the mcdonalds]’ yes??? we literally are. theres no question of that. being a sept of clanranald, we are Literally related to the fucking macdonalds. you absolute buffoon. yea its distant, and maybe thats your point, but when combined with you launching into this giant diatribe about rhw Campbells for shit that happened long ago, it seems youre picking and choosing how close ‘related’ is. we are. literally. related to the macdonalds. also it wasnt thought up in glasgow, they were from fucking new hampshire. but sure. 

‘his sheila wife of his’ excuse me?

‘so the name was related to a buzzing bee i suppose’ ? i still dont get it. like, he then explains that apparently his twin sister had difficulty saying Brother, so she called him Buzzy. that makes sense to me. i can understand that. but the buzzing bee thing? not sure i follow, given the prior context he provided. i dont get it. this is written like garbage. theres no structure. we went from jumping forward in time to the birth of my uncle Dale (my dads older brother) and suddenly we’re talking about Mick’s running career and gordon’s childhood! what the fuck happened.

‘coupled with the bigoted attitudes that were rife during those periods’ says the man who got angry at a black (i THINK, mightve been a separate story)  frenchman who couldnt speak english in France because ‘we saved them’. fuck off. youre just like them, you old codger.

also hes decrying his grandfather mick for being ‘no true irishman’ even though micks dad was full irish? by that exact same metric i can call my grandfather no true scotsman, because his dad is full scottish and thats it!!! you fucking fool. no true irishman, holy shit, how little self awareness could this man have.

‘then excessive drinking liquor isnt for me’ but is Is for your wife, is it gordon??? drinking wine when shes on antibiotics??? fucking incredible. god theyre. theyre so stupid.

‘not proceeding as a scholar as i could have’ you literally admitted like 5 pages ago that your twin sister was Far smarter than you, but sure! ~scholar~. if you were meant to be a scholar surely you wouldve bounded back from missing days with a vengeance. youre talking complete tosh.

im confused why theyd be doing bombing drills in South Yarra.... in preparation from a japanese air raid.... like im sorry, if the people north are doing their jobs, theres no physical way they couldve gotten to south yarra....... but ok. thats not his fault i just think thats strange.

im 110 pages in and he hasnt actually gotten to the point where he meets eleanor??? aside from a few time jumps forward and a brief mention of ‘meeting her in a milk bar in south yarra’ so like. hoi vey? the fuck.

oh jesus thats. thats a heavy thing to just chuck in the middle of a sentence??? like ‘oh yea after Skete the next scout leader was a paedophile who abused me and the others’ wwwOooahhh there buddy back up. what???? holy shit. ouch. thats. thats rough.

‘absolutely belted this poofta bastard’ yknow what? fair. id also beat the fuck out of a pedo with my boot. thats Relatable. good going on that, i suppose.

ooh thats full third person, weird.

one thing that is definitely kinda interesting, and very telling about his relationship with his family, is that he only ever refers to Nellie as ‘mum’, but refers to Mick as, well, Mick! rather than ‘granddad’ or anything of the sort. like its just sorta interesting when you get this big family photo and Nellie is the only one not called by her first name.

‘returning to those earlier days’ NO! FUCKING MOVE FORWARD IN TIME YOU GIT!!!! holy shit i just want to read about new fucking shit.

......... so like, at some point while playing footy, an opposing player kicked him in the leg and caused a fractured tibia. so a few weeks later... one of gordons friends took a mark on that player and kneed him straight in the head, with that player never playing again. and he’s PROUD of that!!! he’s proud of his friend for ruining a guys footy career. like yea, the guy was a dick, he broke your leg and it was at least partially malicious, but like........... you fucked him up????? hardcore?????? a straight up ruination. but go off i guess.

its interesting that he doesnt go even remotely into eleanors history beyond the fact (so far) that her father Leo didnt say much but was a good dude. then again the books all about him soooo fuck it i suppose.

‘recognition of our scottish heritage’ eleanor isnt scottish tho. shes irish. shes an o'donoghue. what the fuck. like yea naming them dale and glen is a ‘clever’ nod back to scotland (i actually do think thats cute and clever, joking aside. its the exact sort of ‘clever’ shit i love pulling) but............. shes not scottish. unless we’re waiting for volume 2 all about eleanor.

hE USED TO LIVE OUT HERE??????? IN SPRINGVALE????? fuck me. no fucking wonder we live here, huh, jesus. that. certainly explains something, i suppose. like ‘if you were raised in holbrook and YOU were raised in thomastown, why do we live in knox?’

OHHHHH HERES THE FRENCH THING!!!! OHHHH HERES ONE OF THE FRENCH THINGS. OH BITCH behold

so granddads being a dick, as usual, and he’s on some tour in paris. and the tour guide launches into a long thing about the glory of france, like french history and the fighting record, etc. and granddad calls out and tells him to knock it off, because ‘our australians died by the thousands for your country’

i. eh... uhh............... is he. is he aware? of how many french people died???? for france?????? how many????? il tell you how many - apparently 1.44% of the total population of france. thats 600000 people. how many did we lose? around 35k. thats, uh, a smaller fucking number. than the amount of french people. who died. for fucking france. you fucking idiot.

it kills me. is he gonna include the french speaking one too???

oh hell that sure is a picture of my father. good heavens. holy shit my brother really does look like him. thats uncanny, man.

‘one son Scotty’ his name is Scott, actually. not scotty. but cool, i got a really small shout out, weirdly BEFORE my older cousins did???? oh dear is he gonna talk about my uncles divorce actually. oh god. thats. thats terrifying to consider. oh, cool, he didnt in that small section, hopefully it doesnt come up haha (i can only IMAGINE what sort of vile shit he’d say about cathy)

also, ooh, more nuggets on grandma’s family. her dad was a freemason! thats cool.

ooh! he was the president of holbrook shire council! thats kinda neat actually.

ooh! the glenndale motel actually still exists! thats cool as hell. not that granddad told me that i just googled it

OHHH ITS THE FUCKING FRENCH SPEAKING STORY OH MY GOD

Ok first off ‘i slammed my fist into the counter and said very calmly’ yea no fuck that, youre fucking lying. theres no way you slammed the counter and spoke calmly. you almost definitely abused this poor french metro worker who, being a French Man living in France, is not required to know english. you fucking babboonnnnnnnnnn

apparently he nearly fell off a mountain innnnnn geeermany? austria, austria. and as he mentions my dad pulling him back up, he words it as ‘stopping me from falling to my final destiny’ what fucking wording IS that. my god.

uh well ok thats. about it i suppose. there was a big hullabuloo about like, hotels and shit, and there was probably some racism about Islanders in there (like i find it hard to believe there wasnt but im not gonna go back and double check, because this book reads like absolute garbage). but eh. yea?

uuhhh so that was an Adventure, for sure