#i feel like I’m FINALLY getting over the artblock

[zsbrainrot]

Still pushing through some art block so here’s some little self indulgent drawings of my favorite boys ❤️💙

Happy Buddy Daddies Friday!

(Pose references under the cut)

[boct-kimerakal]

even more of The Eye

oh my god. it just keeps going

future me needs to know i fed my cat 2 hours late because of this stupid AU and that i really need to work on perceiving the passage of time when i’m fixated. future me might also need to know that the reason why writing out my lore on this site works is because an imaginary audience pressures me to write out and format my lore in a way others can digest! and that it should perhaps schedule up recording more information on actual projects such as the ACTUAL waiting world and assorted original stories!

back to the trickhawkrex AU which i’ve tentatively chosen to refer to as the harbinger AU.. because of totally-not-plot-related-reasons

i think i should mention my current (and likely brief) and intense fixation on this AU is likely my stresses (my commission artblock.. my tourism and hospitality course starts soon.. my ever-looming academic guilt.. plus i think i’m going crazy..) and something i watched recently and my caffeine intake today coalescing into this gross unsightly mess.

i also think i’m going to drop this in a week since sudden stress-based fixations tend to just help me cope. BAHAH. i think i’m finally just caving to embracing that i use my ocs to suit my whims and that i don’t take them seriously at all. they feel so meaningless as a result sometimes though.. hashtag the reluctant storyteller with art for no audience. kissy face.

anyways.

they’re going to drive me nuts at least for the next week.

i’m considering that rex is overtly and aggressively positive and that feeds into trick’s general whimsical optimism and is overall unbearable for everyone else they’ve ever come across except hawks who for whatever reason is actually put at ease by it.

trick and hawks are both generally cynics though when it comes to their views on people, politics and inherent goodness and stuff. blargh. but rex is genuinely so full-hearted about his belief in the humanity of others that it can be so annoying or gut-wrenching, depending on the context.

images relevant to fertility (and plant life) tend to drive AUtrick genuinely insane because of their rejection of restricting feminine sociocultural ideals and symbols. anyways. their chest-binding is contrasted heavily with depictions of the yakshini, especially in the context of lust and of bodily perception? AAAALSO. trick might actually be like me in this AU. so less beef with being associated with a social gender (but beef with it being used to restrict or define. stressful & contradictory), more that they’re freaked by their biology. as a result most people close to them default to they/them and most people who aren’t, tend to go with whatever trick seems closer to in visual presentation but if they ask trick just shrugs their shoulders.

rex as a fem-presenting guy is bothering me slightly because it feels like surface-level repetition? since another character i talk a lot about is hummingbird and he is also like this! but also my ocs are so smothered in context that they’re so. different. to. me. i’m just worried he’s going to get perceived as derivative which HAHAHA. why am i worried about this. my stupid fictional characters can have the same surface identity oh my god shut up boct slash kimerakal.

you know what’s funny is trick’s kerala malayali ethnic identity half actually came up first in their mech pilot AU and it’s just kind of cool that there’s folklore to draw upon for this AU. i love coincidence.

OH AND. trick’s reliance on hawks makes them super duper lovey-dovey affectionate towards hawks. it isn’t a personal emotional investment, it’s an emotional response to their desires being met. i think i’m a fan of fixation being recognised and then navigated and eventually dissolved actually, instead of being suppressed entirely or made uber creepy.

meanwhile on hawks’s end, they’re openly in this for achieving their goals! hawks only really gets comfortable with trick and rex due to familiarity over time and repeated life-or-death situations and requiring trust to navigate that as a team. only then do they begin to care about and rely on them and then they achieve a level of sincerity in their relationship which is fun.

also, i figure both trick and hawk are cognisant of the loveless but intense dependency they have on each other at the start of their relationship and The Awareness is what allows them to get actually close eventually without it being unhealthy! as they become familiar with each other! rex meanwhile has to deal with the fact they’re intently dependent on each other and maintain his relationship with the both of them without feeling like a third wheel, knowing they literally can’t do anything without each other. none of them are happy about the reliance by the way but they’re all tryhards that need to have that perfect hunt record. & hawks is a liability with no abilities, & trick is a liability when not properly fed, & rex can’t work solo as someone whose abilities are more focused in support. which all makes me super duper insane actually.

they’re so “god you’re a piece of work” guys!! they are!! they do not at all like being forced to improve themselves and each other for the sake of their stupid goal. but here they are. just 3 haters.

i’m still mad embarrassed about the tropey feel of their relationship though HAHAHA. like oh their friendship feels a little hollow to me because i’m leaning too hard into something right now, i just don’t know what. working on fixing this. well, working on fixing it at least for this 1 week.. then i’ll go back to normal and forget this entirely.

BTW!!! whenever i hear a cool song i imagine these idiots fighting something to death. oh my god help me out here guys. i have so many art ideas for them and zero ability HAHAHA.

trick absolutely keeps their spray paint art thing in this AU, it’s just a lot more lowkey maybe. they usually tag stuff as a result of their fights as sort of a callsign thing. plausibly could incorpate this into their fighting style and the magic they have (which isn’t a result of being undead. it’s like the weird binding deal thing they have with hawks) i feel like they’re into a commissioned mural scene because they’re the insufferable definition of lawful good. which is comically contrasting with their whim-chasing vibe and assumed disregard of authority. oh my god also they’re a digital artist and make OCs with rex (literature nerd) which is funny. rex draws a little too!

hawks also has their musical background (hobbyist bassist) and is probably involved in a punk rock scene somehow or least an admirer of it. but i don’t really know for sure yet because i’m not set on the context and locale. which sigh. means research time. rex probably maintains some kind of literary and theatric proficiency. which i think is fun!! but also he is probably critical about the assorted western literature that dominates in global influence and he’s maybe not keen on dissecting the context of that. he also favours literature from his home and ideas relevant to his stuff. hawks and rex bond over poetic art forms beeteedubs. i love being annoying about artistic practices and cultures in my ocs.

eat you alive by tokyo tea room is super themcore by the way. like so super themcore. oh my god i feel so insufferable right now HAHAHAHA. katalyst if you see this shut up i’m not crazy. ...maybe.

also mischief does exist in this AU I JUST DON’T KNOW AS WHAT!! he is definitely not a normal cat. he is going to be a mythical animal. he is going to be a part of their dumb team.

by the way!! <3 they’re a majorly cocky trio and their vainglorious artistically-melodramatic nature makes the three of them really embrace the idea of being unkillable and reckless. i want them to really lean into the immortality and invulnerability of youth. ironic considering one of them has literally died once.

my name isn’t katherine by k.flay also fits all of them. important information for me to remember. oh right! the harbinger AU very much leans into their self-importantance and their waning teenage anger. anyways. it’s also called the harbinger au because the three of them meeting most certainly precedes some pointlessly convoluted and conspiratorial plot like in every piece of media within this genre. i’ll decide what it is by the end of this week or never at all.

rex, trick and hawk are all alternative monikers but i can’t think of a good reason why they’d use them. maybe i’ll make it so that they’re just nicknames for each other but that might make me want to give them new nicknames actually. they all mark successful hunts with various callsigns and maybe it could be related somehow. maybe i’ll give them a team name overall though. also, the stuff they capture/kill/banish has significant impacts depending on what it is and in the world of the assorted supernatural, i figure it’d be quite hard to tell if what you’re dealing with is a saveable overtaken person, a protected mythical creature or a purely harmful spirit etc.. so agents tend to have to really pick up on-the-spot analysis skills, lest they get fired and jailed for harming something.

oh my god the dynamics of this world is so not the kind of lore i typically work on nowadays. this feels like reaching back into my past. and the embarrassment is catching up with me because again. FEELS CLICHÉ!!! also, they all have friends outside their group trio and i feel like i really need to emphasise this. it’s pretty crucial to their dynamic dare i say.

anyways, horrible little subject-to-context behaviour + personality description time!

trick is by disposition cavalier and brazenly sweet. they’re extremely relaxed in their character and, as a result, confident, blunt and very open. (less tact/cunning than prime trick) still wily but more insufferable prettyboy than usual. they exude a careless whimsy i feel a lot of people find pretty enthralling? oh!! they’re a bit gluttonous and love constant snacking. hashtag luxalia (their og campaign setting) callback. they’re usually pretty mellow? but hyper and excitable about specific interests (such as hawks blood, the thrill of the hunt, their art) and i wanna say? obliviously keen? like!! they usually notice things very easily! and very well! but are usually unwieldy about how they act on the information, especially of the emotional kind. plus, they are regarded by most within The Eye as sensible and mature despite their excessively energetic tendencies because they’ve seen trick in action. oddly trustworthy thing.

rex is also an insufferable prettyboy actually and they play off each other’s vanity really well. rex is externally more reserved, & therefore doesn’t talk as much which makes him seem either a little ditzy/aloof/self-interested or edgy! depends! but he’s more “aggressively intelligent and way too positive” towards those familiar with him. also he’s whimsy enabler and LUUURVES shenaniganery. i figure there is a guardedness to him because he’s more affected by perceptions of him? he can be so sharply spiteful, which is funny in contrast to him believing in the goodness of others more than the other two. i think it’s important to him that negativity doesn’t negate goodness. he also has a righteous anger, i think, that makes him more confident. he can also be very “i’ll make you love me despite what you dislike about me and it’ll kill you.” he can come off as insecure? but otherwise reliable to an unreal degree. boy does NOT believe he should be the responsible one.

hawks is outwardly selfish and hostile, being dead-set on her goals. most positivity comes from her thrill-seeking adrenaline-craving and she’s a lot more friendly in high-pressure moments. she’s hardly comfortable with being sincere towards strangers and that usually makes her either off-putting & unlikable OOOR mysterious & extremely alluring? depends on who you are i suppose. she’s still genuinely helpful when it comes to actions, i figure, and it probably takes people by surprise. she’s sardonically cranky and prone to inciting conflict as a result of it, but she’s working on it. probably. she’s defensive of assets but not emotionally invested in them but also working on that. probably. her indifferent demeanour is also probably conditioned and not innate. not super different from her prime form TBH.. except maybe she’s a little more prone to emotional language, more comfortable in domestic settings and there’s less violent ferocity. maybe i’ll do more to set them apart.

oh!! and. as a trio in this AU, they’re all insufferably affectionate with each other because it’s stupid and cute actually. the three of them all overthink in different flavours and i think that’s funny. they’re also all nerds in different flavours too. the three are very dedicated to the job.

[ashipiko]

oh NOOO DUDE. SHINOBI STORY BROKE ME ITS FOREVER MY FAVORITE A3! EVENT STORY EVER. in both mankai stage and in game UGHHAAA 😭😭😭 i really don’t cry often but the first time i read this story I couldn’t stop crying IT TOUCHED ME SO BADLY (kazunari kinnie)

I COULD JUST REALLY RESONATE WITH HIS STRUGGLES and this event really planted the seed for his development as a UMC and I just think it’s so. so. the opening with his letter to his future self ??? KAZUPAPI??????? HELLO??????????? (so sorries I’m looking over my last shinobi ss and I have sm thoughts)

like no matter what the story never loses it’s grip on me 😔 seeing Kazu really struggle and be hit w this realization that. yeah. i’ve finally found true friends and now that I have them it’s so hard to leave them ??? so many passions and yet which do I go with……… the comparison to his past self and the him now???? dude don’t get me STARTED ON THE MISUKAZU OH MY GODDDDD THE ???? it drives me so crazy. to just see how sweet their relationship is and the connection they have w eachother that they don’t share w anyone else is SO SPECIAL TO ME like DUDE…….

I CANAT DO THIS ANYMORE 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 LIKE OK NOT EVEN FROM A SHIPPY POV THEIR DYNAMIC IS JUST DONE WITH SUCH JUSTICE IN THIS STORY AND ITS JUST SO. GOSH.

this tenkaz scene too.

KAZU’S WHOLE ARTBLOCK IS SO…… AND THE FACT THAT THE END RESULT IS FIREWORKS?????? NATSUGUMIS ICONIC THING??????? ITS SO ??????????? HOW COULD THEH FO THIS TO ME!!!!! TENKAZ DYNAMICS DRIVE ME INSANE TOO THEYRE SO BESTIES HUT TENMA IS SO LEADER AND I CMAT.

there’s just so much of Natsugumi supporting Kazunari no matter what he does AND SEEING KAZU BEING SURROUNDED BY THESE TRUE FRIENDS LIKE HE DESERVES IS SO HEARTWARMING. IT REALLY JUST MAKES ME SO HAPPY TO SEE MY BOY AND YET UTS SO BITTERSWEET

KAZUPAPI IS MY FAVORITE A3! PARENT and like dude!!! HE SEES HOW HAPPY KAZUNARI IS NOW!!! AND LIKE THE WHOLE INTERACTIONS HETWEEN HIM AND MISUMI ARE JUST SO. SO. so.

this speaks for itself </3 misumi’s whole talk with izumi makes me tear up and the fact that he just accepts kazunari his dearest friend saying goodbye if it means he can keep on smiling is so. is so. is s

AND UGAHAHHAAAAAA 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 JUST THE AMOUNT OF SUPPORT NATSUGUMI GIVES HIM IS SO SWEET DUDE I LOVE THEM SM.

IM SO ILL.

anyway this play is everything ever to me and I reread it when I’m feeling in the dumps too 🫶 it’s really nice to see a character who shares the same struggles with me go through such a heartwarming yet heart wrenching experience and it just makes me really emotional. IT PROVIDED ME A LOT OF COMFORT WHEN I FIRST READ IT AND IT JUST MEANS SM TO ME MAN.

THE MANKAI STAGE ADAPTATION IS SO GOOD TOO LIKE THE SEVENTH COLOR DRIVES ME CRAZY NUTS AND KAZUS LAST LINE MAKES ME CRYYYYY AND MOYA MOYA FEELINGS AND…… AND…….. THE TURNING POINTS OF DREAMS??????? LITERALLY HEART STABBING

anyway I love Kazunari miyoshi he’s so mecore for realsies 🫶 thank you for listening

Mankai March question 11!

This one feels obvious, but I love hearing people ramble about their favorites, so here we are! Do you have a favorite event story? It doesn’t have to be mainline! Maybe it has a significance to you, or maybe it emotionally destroys you, let’s hear about it!!

[phobia-sweets]

Request: "OKAY I JUST SAW YOu put arkhamverse jervis on your requests and omg- i'm sorry it's only been a few minutes since you did and now here's a req for him-

♡ 22 “Can I take a picture of you?” with arkhamverse jervis please? maybe reader likes taking pictures of people they find interesting, so they can draw them later on? have a great day/night!"

I LOVED THE ENTHUSIASM ON THIS REQUEST SO MUCH---

I was very,,, indecisive with this. I had a lot of ideas, and settling with something was hard and it turned into a mess lmao. I'm not very proud of this, but hey, i did my best and i had fun writing this!

Arkhamverse! Mad hatter x reader

Warnings / Notes: I CANNOT RHYME FOR THE LIFE OF ME, i didnt know how to end this properly so i hope this is good enough, this is my first time writing arkhamverse jervis so i hope its not ooc, not proofread

When artblock hits, what’s the best way to get rid of it? Well, there’s a lot of ways, but you decided traveling was the way to go. Not far, mind you, just the next city over - Gotham. Sure, Gotham might be dangerous and corrupt, but it was full of interesting people. You weren’t too familiar with the villains and their shticks, but you knew to be careful, just in case something did happen. What did your friend tell you to do? Ah, yes. “Don’t draw too much attention to yourself” and “Don’t make friends with strangers.”

And so, Here you were in the middle of amusement mile, alone, people watching in hopes of inspiration. So far, it had not been successful. Sure, some people had great outfits, the amusement park would've made for a great landscape but... it just didn't feel right. You needed something… more. Something that piqued your interest. Something unique.

That's when you spotted... is that a top hat? It was a man! Wearing something thay could've been described as something straight out of a story. Maybe not a fairytale - the colours were too dark for that, but a story nonetheless. Your eyes were practically glued to him as he walked past the colourful booths full of cotton candy and popcorn. Before you knew it, you were up from the bench with your bag, slowly walking towards him as he was stood outside a small confectionery.

Then you stopped. “What am I doing?”, you thought, gaze still glued to the man. If your friend saw you right now, they’d probably be dragging you out for even thinking of conversing with the man. But then again, They’re not here, are they? What is stopping you? Nothing. Except, well, the fact that when you saw his face, you swore you’d seen him somewhere. Maybe he was a vill-

You brushed off that thought, Because, well, what’s the chance of you running into a villain right now? Zero. Nada. You breathed in the cold autumn air, and walked towards the man. You lightly tapped his shoulder, making him turn around to face you. "Hey, can i take a picture of you?” You managed to ask, hand tightly gripping your phone. Before he managed to answer, you started explaining yourself. “I’m an artist and I… like drawing people that I find interesting. And you- well- you stood out, and wanted to draw you…” your hesitance quickly faded away as his hands clasped together and he practically beamed at you.

“Oh dear, How frabjous! It truly would be an honour to be your muse, Rabbit.” He slightly bowed, and you finally noticed the ‘10/6’ slip on his hat. Clever. The mad hatter.

The mad hatter.

Oh.

You swore you’ve heard that name going around a few times the past few hours, and.. this is the guy they’ve been talking about? He didn’t seem all that dangerous. If anything, he seemed sweet.

“Ah, thank you, I suppose-- Let’s go somewhere with better lighting, yes? It’ll be easier to see the details of your clothes that way.” You suggested, walking towards the merry-go-round, which happened to be the place with the most… decent lighting in the place. You took your pictures, and he was very talkative. You noticed he spoke in rhymes a lot, which was sort of… precious, in a way. Your photo session was interrupted by your phone ringing loudly due to your friend calling. You excused yourself quickly with a “Sorry, I gotta take this. Thank you for helping me!” And walking away. Honestly, your friend would’ve probably punched you for the stuff you pulled, but hey, you got your inspiration. You stopped by the ferris wheel, talking with them. They were just worried about you – You were in Gotham, alone, after all. You somehow managed to convince them that, no, you had not been kidnapped into a riddle-filled death trap or had your back broken, momentarily easing their worries. Once done, you put your phone back in your pocket, Turning around and meeting the hatter’s gaze, making you jump.

“Oh my god, you scared me.” You sighed, holding your hand to your chest. This made his expression turn into one of worry, as he apologised,

“Apologies, apologies, dear rabbit! I just wish to know, Would you care to join me for tea?”

[neonbluewaves]

Would a romance/strictly platonic but nevertheless strong bond ( they would totally be each other’s bridesmaids/best man/woman at the other’s wedding) be possible between Neon and the other dating options if she wasn’t with Tulip? Ex. What would a relationship between her and Chiara/Talbott look like?

Anon, not gonna lie, I had to get help from a native speaking english mutual to understand what you asked, and I hope we got it right.

Romance wise, seeing the latest options, it would be Badeea (you hear that screech? it’s my friend thriving because I’m finally drawing them) 

Neon has a type and it’s blue nerds and Badeea fits that, she’s just a different type of nerd from Tulip, she’s an  ~ 𝒂 𝒓 𝒕 ~ nerd.

(btw isn’t artsy girl x bad boy girl like a classic in fanfiction? ahahaha terrible)

some headcanons (courtesy of my friend’s clownassery mostly)

-they both have unusual ways to tackle things so boredom isn’t common for them

-Badeea loves to draw and paint while Neon plays the violin or guitar for her, no singing tho (yet), helps her with artblock

-she goes to Neon’s Quidditch matches, but she’s always the only one sitting down, sketchbook on her lap, she likes to draw what happens in the air. After that she shows them to Neon, which cheers her up when she ends up in the Hospital Wing.

-Has a block filled only for sketches of Neon, but she keeps it secret because it’s embarassing, and Neon would use it to tease her (just a little bit, she’d think it’s cute)

-Badeea is more lowkey about PDA, like holding hands or chaste kisses, while Neon doesn’t care much, shameless, so she adapts to what Badeea is comfortable with 

-Since Neon knows quite a lot about Spanish art she takes Badeea to musems and acts as her personal guide, Badeea loves to hear it all from her rather than the actual guides

-she almost had a heart attack when she saw all the pieces Neon has in her house, she said she could keep any she liked but she refused

As for platonic relationships, I’ve given Neon some as I said in previous posts, with Rowan ( Meredith/Alex brotp like) with Penny (Meredith/Cristina brotp, yeah I know I can be annoying with grey’s anatomy, let me live >:v), with Charlie and Tonks definetly too. Neon manages to surround her with good hearted people who won’t give up on her, she needs that 😔

But talking about the ating options, and putting aside Penny for a moment, a very important friendship I didn’t expect to develop and make so close is Neon and Jae. At first they were just supposed to be casual friends that get along because of detention, but the more I drew them, the more I liked them and their interactions, and soon enough I made it “canon” that they stay close even after graduation, where Neon hires him to work for her, playing at his strenghts. It feels right that they get so close as they get to know each other, bonding over how they hate that others percieve them negatively for things they have no control over, like Jae being better at “the wrong sort of stuff” or Neon being expected to do wrong or turn violent at some provocation.

They definetly are “I’ll be your best man/woman and get you so drunk you’ll look like shit at the wedding pictures” 

they’re ride or die for each other, specially at the stupidest dangerous shit, gotta headbutt your problems away, and their heads are very hard.

Neon’s strongest friendships are diferent ones from the others but I love them all the same.

[buruuhan]

スー

ハァー

I feel like I have not only one screw loose in my head, but lots of them.

I’ve attempted the experiments for my final paper for about two and a half past months and none of them worked. At all. But when I did the same with different object for my teammates, it worked. I wonder what kind of mistake I’ve done in the process because I DID BOTH OF THE TWO AND THEY’RE THE FUCKING SAME EXPERIMENT.

Second, I visited my relatives in my hometown with my family because it would be rude if I didn’t. Being asked by my parents about the final paper like three times, and since that I kept thinking anxiously about my paper. Finally, in the third time, I felt very uncomfortable due to all those experiment failures and snapped, but I felt suffocated afterwards as I realized I’d crossed the line.

Lastly, when I and my sister went back to home last Saturday, I planned to go out by myself for some air the next day. I made up an alibi that I was going to gather materials for the paper which I kinda did. It went smoothly at first until I trespassed the red light on the way and crashed another motorcycle. I got minor wounds and few bruises from that crash. This one was purely my fault, and I believed I have no right to complain over that so I tried my best to hide it from my sister. It’s not like the wounds are life-threatening.

And then the blank sensation kicked after I went home. I felt tired as fuck, my head felt blank, and overall I got an impression that I could barely feel anything in my body. Even when I went to sleep, I felt like my body was floating uncomfortably despite laying on my bed and I also heard cats fighting but for some reason I couldn’t get up. Hell, back then I was on the way home, I even had a malicious thought that I wouldn’t mind dye ink if it would make my family no longer feel troubled with my existence.

I planned to go to campus to continue the experiment on Monday, but I in the end I didn’t go because my body still aches. I’m afraid that the experiment will fail for the nth times and I’ll run out of media powder that actually belongs to my teacher which costs a large amount of money.

I also tried to draw something but I ended up getting an artblock too.

Fuck this. I don’t know anymore. I can’t think of anything anymore, hence the very first line.

[cottoncandyjester]

Your blog is an absolute delight to browse through <33333

I adore your OCs. They all have their individual quirks and seeing you write them is a treat.

If you are accepting requests, I was wondering if you could do some reverse comfort for your OCs? Where they're not having a good day and their s/o comforts them.

I love yandere content but I am still a sucker for that good wholesome stuff :).

I absolutely love this

Also Was unsure if I should add salem in this cause a lot of people sent hate about him since i Introduced him cause he's disgusting but i did add him cause I love him and he needs love and support

Story contains: some angst, talk of self harm, fluffy fluff, soft boys

Theodore

You've never seen theo angry ever since you two got together but today he seemed to be stressed out, he was studying for a test and from the sounds of it he was going crazy. You walked towards the room only to hear a loud crash which made you jump and you rushed in

Theo had thrown his glasses across the room now sitting in the chair with his head in his hands a shaky sigh escaping him.

"im never going to get it, damn it.."

You looked at the papers scattered about and it looked like some intense stuff, you walked towards theo and hugged him from behind.

"take a break.."

Theo chuckled lightly before he leaned back looking in your eyes, it was clear he hasn't slept in a while.

"you know i can't do that angel, you get to bed though it's late"

You moved onto theo's lap which he allowed, he shivered lightly at the stern look in your eyes since he never seen you look this serious. He tried to settle your worries by giving you soft kisses on your neck but it seems you weren't easy to sway.

"theodore, I want you to get into bed with me and sleep right now."

The male sighed and looked at the clock on the study desk seeing it was about 2am, he did want sleep but he was far too worried about not passing to even think about it.

"sweetie, I have to study. How will I be a good husband if I don't finish college?"

"who says you arent already a good husband?"

Your words shocked him and he stared at you with a confused look before you lovingly wrap your arms around his neck and planting a soft kiss onto his lips.

"you're perfect theo, you don't have to constantly prove it okay? Don't ever doubt that."

Theodore was silent after that and he buried his face in your neck with a low hum, he truly didn't deserve you.

"you think I'm perfect?"

"of course I do, I love you so come and get some rest"

Theo decided to give in and lay down with you and for some reason when he did all those worries drifted away.

Hikaru

Hikaru didnt have time feeling sad, he was a model not to mention a public figure. He never lets you see that side of him unless it's to lash out at you but he onky does that in anger. Today was different, he was quiet today which Definitely wasn't like him

"hey, [y/n]?"

You looked up from your phone to look at the male who just got out the shower his hair still damp and he only wore sweatpants

"what's wrong? Want me to dry your hair again? You should put on a shirt before you get sick"

Hikaru said nothing and simply walked towards you and hugged you close making you both fall back on the bed, the shocked you and you started to pat hikaru on the back trying to get him off.

"h-hey! Are you okay? Are you sick?! Hikaru?!"

"I'm..sorry I'm really sorry, [y/n] dont leave cause I'm really sorry"

He was making zero sense and it only concerned you more but you heard sniffling which made you now freaked out so you softly pulled him back seeing tears rolling down his face.

"hey, why are you crying? What's wrong hikaru?"

The male sat up now sittinf on his knees and he kept his head down letting his hair cover his face as he tried to stop crying.

"I know you dont really love me, I'm mean and cold and awful. You want to leave don't you? But- but I don't want you to go! Im sorry I don't know how to love you i just don't know!"

Hikaru sounded an absolute mess and you didn't know where this was coming from but he simply out the male close into a hug letting him nuzzle his face into your chest as you played with his slightly damp hair.

"yeah, you are mean and cold..but I love you. You can be so sweet and really fun to be with, hikaru Im not going to leave no matter what"

"r-really? No matter what?"

"of course! After all without you my sense of style would be a mess!"

You heard a muffled chuckle escaping him as he hugged you tightly now resting his head on your chest

"you're an idiot."

With a cocky grin you poked his cheek earning a hushed whine of discomfort from you which you found adorable

"but I'm your idiot, so you're stuck with me!"

Axis

Axis is the type where he will tell you when he's sad, he's a crybaby so he will absolutely let you know when he needs comfort. So when the male popped up while you were thinking about what to do for dinner you figured he was feeling down

"what's wrong ax?"

"artblock..I have to come up with a new piece but i have nothing"

You gave a small hum before stopping and turned around wrapping your arms around him.

"well, how about we go on a date tonight we can go out to eat and do a bunch of fun stuff.."

"like fireworks?!"

You sighed loudly at your boyfriend's obsession with fireworks and decided to please him and his wishes

"we can get sparklers and small stuff okay?"

Axis smiled brightly and kissed your cheek over and over.

"date night date night!"

He started chanting like a child and you couldn't help but laugh at his antics but you were glad he wasn't sad anymore.

Prince

Prince hides his insecurities very well with flirting and smooth words, he likes you to think that he's all okay. you noticed he was far more clumsy today with things, it went from simply dropping things to full on tripping and falling.

Prince winced as he tripped and fell ontop of you earning an annoyed huff from you as you glared up at him for of his weird behavior that he brushes aside like its nothing

"prince what the hell is going on? You're being weird today"

Prince looked down at you before letting out a loud groan before nuzzling his face into your neck feeling quite embarrassed

"I'm scared..of our future"

"why would that scare you?"

Prince picked his head up and had a slight pout before he glanced away being unsure of how to put his words together.

"you're my first real serious relationship..what if I screw up?"

"oh princey.."

Your soft cooing made him even more embarrassed and he groaned while laying his face in your chest.

"you're amazing and great and I'm just..me!"

You simply messed with his hair finding his remark to be pretty dumb but you excused it cause he looked far too cute when pouty.

"prince, I love you forever and ever you aren't going to screw it up"

After a few minutes of silence he popped up and hopped to his feet with newfound energy

"you're right! I mean I'm pretty great! I bet you wanna marry me cause I'm so handsome!"

Well he was definitely back to normal

Yuki

It honestly took you weeks to figure out yuki was upset cause he is the master of hiding his emotions. He never shows many emotions besides a smile when around you or a glare when around strangers.

of course he doesn't talk about his feelings at all either so you are blissfully unaware of how he feels, until he slipped up and finally broke.

You had come home from shopping when you noticed how quiet the house was which was normal but it had an eerie feeling to it.

"is he taking a nap? Hmm.."

You went to the room and opened the door to see yuki curled up in the bed, the light were off and he was pretty quiet so you assumed he was sleeping but as you started to get ready for a shower when a muffled sniffle made you turn back to yuki and you walked to him before softly moving the blankets only to get a slight sight of tears before he buried himself deeper into the pillow to hide.

"y-yuki?"

"go."

You sat on the bed now fully invested in helping him but you had a feeling you knew what was wrong, you softly rubbed his back seeing that he was sweaty and slightly shaking.

"you have a nightmare?"

There was silence before he nodded and you simply laid next to him facing his back and softly touching his back your gentle touch being enough to cheer him up.

When he turned to face you his eyes were puffy yet had bags under them, his hair was a mess and he was breathing harshly from fear.

"wanna talk about i-"

"no."

You gave a sigh and simply cuddled against him and closed your eyes, his body stiffened but quickly relaxed before he held you close and closed his eyes

"just rest then. I'm here now okay?"

"mhm.."

Yuki smiled as he buried his face in your hair taking in your scent and feeling his body settle against yours. He didn't need words of comfort or huge signs of affection this was all he needed..you being here helped him far more than any words can.

Salem

When salem breaks down it's heartbreaking and intense, he gets into these PTSD triggered panic attacks to the point where he just loses it.

You had left the house and left him alone, it was only for a few hours but when you came back the bedroom was trashed and salem was freaking out curled up in the corner.

"b-bad boy, very bad super bad..I've been so bad I'm so sorry sorry sorry sorry"

"salem!"

You rushed to him and sat on your knees infront of him seeing fresh bruises and marks on his face, he probably hurt himself again.

"salem, baby look at me"

"b-bad boy..bad boys deserve death"

He was definitely not listening and you totally needed to snap him out of it so you did the one thing you could think of...you slapped him.

It wasn't too hard but he definitely looked up at you in shock now focused on what you had to say.

"you're not in that dark place anymore salem, you're here with me and no one is dying okay?"

"b-but I'm a sinner, I'm disgusting, revolting, i-"

You cut him off by selling your lips against his roughly kissing him and settling him down.

When you pulled back you gave him a stern gaze not letting him spill anymore degrading words out.

"listen to me salem. I love you and all your weird quirks! I don't care what anyone else says you're my boyfriend and I love you more than anything okay?"

"y-your lips t-taste like sugar.."

With that he leaned forward trailing his tongue over your lips with a shaky laugh

"thank you, [y/n]"

[rpgmgames]

March’s Featured Game: acai cOrner

DEVELOPER(S): moca & Mitty ENGINE: RPG Maker 2003 GENRE: RPG, Adventure, Surreal SUMMARY: acai cOrner is about Mizuki, someone who has fallen into the sewers and who happens to find their favorite electric guitar! Upon obtaining the guitar, Mizuki turns into a magical girl who must defend herself against spooky sewer creatures using the guitar's magical powers.

Download the game here! Our Interview With The Dev Team Below The Cut!

Introduce yourself! *moca: Hi, I'm moca, a Starbucks barista aspiring to be a writer and game developer. I have been making RPG Maker games for about six years now, with my first two projects being a Pokémon fan-game and a Corpse Party fan-game. Those two happen to be my two favorite franchises as well! I have also created the RPG Maker game MOMOKA (IGMC 2018). I have founded a group called 'Team Shibu!' dedicated to making horror games! Our current project is a RPG Maker survival horror game named 'Katharsis'.

*Mitty: Hey there, I'm Mitty! I've been working with Moca on several games for a while now, helping with mostly graphics! Please support him, as he is very kind and hardworking!! I'm also the main developer of a game called "Marinette", so I hope you'll check that one out too, when the demo is released!

What is your project about? What inspired you to create this game initially? *moca: acai cOrner is an experimental spooky RPG Maker game that only uses 4 colors! You are a magical girl with a just-as-magical electric guitar that you use to fend off spooky sewer slimes and other weird enemies you find in the surreal sewer system. It's half exploration and half RPG battles. What inspired me to create acai cOrner initially was to actually get myself back into the groove of making games again. I had just recently came back from a hiatus and found myself having trouble getting back into the development of 'Katharsis'. That's when I decided to make a short, experimental game to get the juices flowing.

How long did you work on your project? *moca: acai cOrner was finished in just about under a month!

Did any other games or media influence aspects of your project? *moca: I had always wanted to make a Yume Nikki-like game and thought this was the perfect opportunity to try. So for the more surreal parts of acai cOrner, I took inspiration from Yume Nikki and a Homestuck random planet generator. Gameplay wise though, I took inspiration from a RPG Maker game called Ghost Suburb 0! I really loved how unique it was, especially with the timer and no dialogue aspect. I knew I wanted to do something with a timer, so I tried a rogue-like approach with the gameplay.

Have you come across any challenges during development? How have you overcome or worked around them? *moca: If you played any of my previous projects, you know that acai cOrner is vastly different than anything that I have ever done. I'm so used to using words to describe the violence in my games, so when it came to making the story, I had a lot of trouble. It wasn't until I looked deeper into why people like these types of games that I had realized that people like to interpret the story on their own, guided by exploration, to enjoy these games. After that, I let loose a bit and made something more open-ended. Another challenge was the difficulty. I was the only one playtesting the game, and since I knew the game front and back, and had no trouble getting the ending. That's why when I sent out demos to friends, I was really discouraged to hear that the experience was mostly frustrating and rage quitting-inducing haha. I worked closely with their feedback and made changes accordingly to make the experience less frustrating but still difficult. *Mitty: I think I was going through a weird artblock during the development of the game, so for some of the illustrations and backdrops for each area's fights, Moca sketched out the basic idea of what it could look like, and I just put my spin on it! It made the work much easier and faster!

Did any aspects of your project change over time? How does your current project differ from your initial concept? *moca: Well, the game was meant to be short so there wasn't room for any big changes. Sure there are a couple gameplay changes and enemy tweaks, but not anything mindblowing. I added in the idea of making four surreal worlds kinda last minute, if that counts, haha.

What was your team like at the beginning? How did people join the team? If you don’t have a team, do you wish you had one or do you prefer working alone? *moca: In the beginning, it was just me! I didn't think I was gonna need any outside help since this was supposed to be a relatively easy project to release, but the further in development I got, the more I realized the game needed pizazz. The four color limitation wasn't enough for my lack of graphical talent. That's when I contacted Mitty about helping with the games battle backdrops and sprite animations! She is also a member of Team Shibu!, but we have collabed together even before that. Her art really made the project shine and I enjoy working with them on games! *Mitty: Moca contacted me, and I wanted to help! We are working together on another game called Katharsis, so we are quite familiar with each other. I like working with other people, especially if I'm not in the lead, it releases a bit of the pressure I feel sometimes ahaha

What is the best part of developing a game? *moca: To me, it's seeing everything come together and just... working exactly the way you envisioned it. As a game developer, you section the game off into parts to make development much more organized and faster but seeing it all come together in the end. Pure bliss *chefs kiss*. *Mitty: I like a bit of everything, but currently I've been enjoying animating and spritework, as well as map assets' designs a little more than usual!

Do you find yourself playing other RPG Maker games to see what you can do with the engine, or do you prefer to do your own thing? *moca: Mm... not really! I have an idea of what the engine can do, so when I do go out of my way to player other RPG Maker games, it's usually for writing inspiration rather than gameplay inspiration. Ghost Suburb 0 is something that I accidentally stumbled upon and immediately fell in love with it the minute I played it haha. (Fun fact: the developer of Ghost Suburb 0 is apart of Team Shibu! and is in charge of monster design!)

Which character in your game do you relate to the most and why? (Alternatively: Who is your favorite character and why?) *moca: There is a rat in the game that is internally called 'Ratthew' who leads you into a funky room. I relate them the most. *Mitty: I relate to the land sharks the most on a spiritual level. They are pretty much confused beans, and that's very relatable.

Looking back now, is there anything that regret/wish you had done differently? *moca: I wish I added more random spooky events and trap rooms. But the game was also supposed to be short and I knew that if I kept adding more and more things, development was never gonna end haha.

Do you plan to explore the game’s universe and characters further in subsequent projects, or leave it as-is? *moca: Well, by the time this interview comes out, there should be a new update for the game. The update should include 100% custom music by a talented composer, and a nerf in difficulty. As for sequels, who knows! The next time you see acai cOrner may be in 3D.

What do you most look forward to upon finishing the game? *moca: Definitely the fan reaction! The satisfaction of seeing your work being noticed by people and actually enjoying makes me happy. It's also the relief of just... finishing something! *Mitty: For this particular project I was obviously looking forward to seeing what people said about the little animations and such ahaha! I also was curious about the reaction to the timed difficulty mechanic, I had never seen anything like that before Moca presented it to me, so I had no idea on what people's feedback would be.

Is there something you’re afraid of concerning the development or the release of your game? *moca: How people will handle the difficulty. The game isn't supposed to be completed on your first playthrough, but in 2-3 playthroughs. There are rooms and places that are meant to waste your time that you should ideally skip the more you play. By later playthroughs, you should be shaving time and be better. I understand that it's not handled as best I could, but I think the experience should still be challenging and hopefully fun! *Mitty: I was a little conflicted on the timed mechanic, I loved it because it's pretty original and helps set an interesting athmosphere of worry and unease, and also seems to tell a bit of the vague story; and at the same time I don't like it much because I prefer more story-driven games and the vagueness mixed with the mechanic feels different from what I'm used to playing! I think it's more of a personal taste kind of thing, it was an experimental jam game, after all!

Do you have any advice for upcoming devs? *moca: Take it easy! Take short breaks throughout development. And most importantly, have fun. If it's a hobby and it's making you overly stressed, just take a step back!

Question from last month's featured dev @ressurflection: What would you say is the weakest part of your game development? *moca: Procrastination. I'm so bad at sticking to my own schedule, it's something that I try to keep in check when working with a team especially.

We mods would like to thank moca & Mitty for agreeing to our interview! We believe that featuring the developer and their creative process is just as important as featuring the final product. Hopefully this Q&A segment has been an entertaining and insightful experience for everyone involved!

Remember to check out acai cOrner if you haven’t already! See you next month!��

- Mods Gold & Platinum

[crimsonbluemoon]

Do you have any tips for people who want to become authors, I personally really struggle with staying motivated but I really love writing but sometimes it’s a struggle to even pick up a pen or type.

Hmm…See you should totally come to our discord because we actually did a whole podcast on Writer’s Block/Artblocks and how we all deal with them. The server is for Writers and Artists who need help or wanna talk to other people like them that maybe need some support and what not. I mean I don’t know if I’m even a good person to get advice from because I’m not really a professional writer or anything like that, but having a group of peers in your same boat could help you feel like you’re not the only one! 

The discord is “Creativity Corner” and here is an invite for the next 24 hrs 

I tend to explain this better when I’m talking over writing, but what I can say is that sometimes when an idea or something is eluding me, I walk away from it for a few days. If the inspiration isn’t there, then you may just need to give it time to happen organically. If you force something, you wont end up enjoying it which means you probably won’t like the outcome.

I also tend to listen to music when I feel like I need some motivation. Music can be great and if you can make playlists for certain moods or genres (romance, fighting, death, comeback, best friends, etc) I suggest you do that! 

This is a tactic I use, but I promise you its not for everyone; outlining an idea out before you write it completely. Like, if you don’t know where youre going with something, it can be hard to write it. If you have the plan set up, and you get stuck, you can look at the outline and remember why its important to get through the scene or think of fun easter eggs to add it for later which may help you get excited for it. 

Finally, maybe just doing some drabbles to get the creative flow going? Like just getting little pieces out instead of one big piece can help get rid of other ideas that you’re playing with or that are distracting you! I try to do a drabbles thing once a month so I can expell a bunch of my little ideas and keep just the ones I want for big stories ^.^

Hope this helps!

[anjael]

23, 26, 15, 9

9. How much time do you spend drawing on an average day?

I doodle a little most days during breaks / lunch at work and stick the tiny drawings in my sketchbook, but aside from that I’m pretty sporadic honestly. If I feel artblocked or uninspired, I’ve gone several months before drawing hardly anything. Then when the Zone/fire hits, I draw up to three hours a night, if not more, several nights/weeks in a row for as long as the inspiration lasts. I try to draw out my sketches / composition ideas right away even if I don’t end up doing anything with them until much later.

15. How long does an average piece take you to complete? 

I try to space out my work on a piece over at least one day, to get ‘fresh eyes’ on it, as inevitably I look at it the next day and see something off that I didn’t notice before. My recent sketchy style Good Omens pieces took maybe 2 - 4 hours over 1 -2 days each, working on them on and off. Usually I work for 30 - 60 minutes then get up and have a break, otherwise I get neck pain and cramp in my arm. Full paintings like the Aziraphale/Crowley I did recently took me over 3 weeks, mainly messing with composition and colours from an initial rough quick ink sketch doodle I did. I initially did flat colours then sat on it a few days while I debated with myself whether to make it a painting ... The final rendering once I’d settled on things took maybe 6 hours over a few days, including time fiddling with various CSP settings. Often I have one eye on a Youtube video while I’m working as well which makes it hard to estimate time XD

23. Do you draw more fanart, or more original art?

I have a few OCs and draw art of my friends’ D&D group sometimes, but almost all my stuff is fanart. 

26. For digital artists: what program(s) do you use?

When I initially started drawing digitally circa 2013 I used Photoshop (badly), then moved to SAI from 2013-2016. I then got a Photoshop CC sub then used that exclusively until this year when I moved to CSP exclusively. CSP doesn’t have a good Liquify function (imo) so I use Krita for that.

[alltheoutsnfree]

Decided since my artblock is killing me, I’d write a quick bit of fanfiction instead. This is heavily based on @vsemily​‘s TSE Charlie and how she’s self aware, especially on this picture by the same name here, though it’s set in my own AU. (Yes I know, this Alex character seems like such a mega self-insert but honestly it happened the other way round, no I don’t know how)

Bimonthly Maintenance

Charlie’s eyes were suddenly blinded. She squinted, waiting for the realization of where she was to arrive. Slowly she could make out a white ceiling fan blending in with the white ceiling. A sunbeam from a nearby window landed squarely on her face and brightened the pale blue wall next to her. She sat up and threw off her sheets before standing up and glancing around the room. Alex wasn’t in their bed, which was neatly made, and presumably downstairs making breakfast. The smell of eggs wafting from behind the bedroom door confirmed Charlie’s suspicions.

She carefully stepped over the piles of spare parts and made her way across her side of the room, until she could walk across Alex’s side without fear of the pain that came with stepping on sharp metal while barefoot. Charlie didn’t bother changing out of her sweatpants and shirt, there was no real point doing so on a Saturday. After walking down the carpeted staircase, she found Alex in the kitchen making scrambled eggs while humming to a Suzanne Vega song. Charlie walked past them to grab three plates for the table.

“Aunt Jen’s at work,” Alex commented, gesturing at the third plate Charlie held. “Something about the mayor being caught taking bribes.” Charlie snorted, and put a plate back in the cabinet. The mayor had always been more or less shady, and she was used to her aunt’s odd work hours as an editor of The Hurricane Standard newspaper.

“So we’ll be on our own today?” Charlie asked, a bitter metallic taste suddenly emanating from the back of her mouth.  Probably another issue to be addressed, she thought.

“Yeah,” Alex answered quietly. “Aunt Jen gave me the whole spiel about what I’m supposed to be doing, of course.”

Charlie let out a deep sigh. She wasn’t entirely sure what to say, was still afraid enough after fourteen years to keep her statements on this subject oblique. She and Alex had always been conditioned by their father to not mention anything about it ever, even when it was just the three of them in the privacy of their own home. When the two of them had moved in with their aunt there was an unspoken truth that their late father’s rule still applied.

Alex scooped eggs onto their plates and sat down. The two teens were silent, lost in their own anxieties of what was to follow breakfast. Charlie had long last track of how many times she’d been through this, but she still felt the same unease she always did. After Aunt Jen took over, the unease got worse because somehow her aunt knew about what the family called Charlie’s “condition.” Over the years she assumed her father had left a final note to tell her, but she didn’t dare ask. And now she had to go through this with Alex working instead of her aunt for the first time. Charlie had no problem sensing her twin’s own fear from across the table.

After what felt like an eternity to both of them, they made eye contact. “Are you ready?” Alex asked hoarsely. Charlie opted to swallow air instead of answering. “You don’t have to do this now, you know. We can wait till Aunt Jen gets back and-”

“No,” Charlie cut them off. “We need to learn how to get through this. Together.”

Alex nodded slowly. “Okay then. Might as well get started.”

*

Charlie stood in the basement, surrounded by workbenches, parts, and electronics; her back to a cushioned board. Alex secured two straps around each of her shoulders and Alex saw their hands trembling. “It’s okay, I trust you,” she told them as reassuringly as she could.

Slowly their eyes raised to gaze into hers. “Does it hurt?” they asked.

“No. It’s just…” Charlie struggled to put it in understandable terms. “...very tingly.”

Alex stepped back. “Okay, diagnostics first.” They reached for the end of a cable connected to a nearby computer terminal and carefully brushed a hidden mechanism on the right side of Charlie’s forehead. A tiny hatch popped open, revealing a port that Alex plugged the cable into. The terminal suddenly whirred and clicked to life as it displayed a loading bar. Sitting down, they waited patiently until the software booted up to quickly enter a series of commands. Numbers and status bars flashed dizzyingly as they appeared on screen, each listing the input and outputs of various centers in Charlie’s mechanical body.

“How many issues?” She asked. There were at least a few that she had noticed on her own since the last time, but she suspected there were more.

“Four,” Alex answered. “Dislocated component in right arm, malfunction in oil supply pump, leg motors on the brink of burning out, and slight fraying of the cables to the right hand fingers. A little extra work than usual but nothing too difficult.”

“Good. Oil pump’s probably up first right?” Charlie shifted herself slightly, preparing for the temporary disconnection of most of her limbs.

“Yeah. I’ll take care of the motors while I’m at it.” Alex walked back over and ever so gently disconnected the mechanisms that held her legs in place. Charlie watched them carry the two appendages to the workbench and gather the tools and parts necessary for the repairs. She watched idly as the two motors were removed and then replaced, watched as the correct wires were soldered together, watched her oil supply pump getting unclogged.

Twenty eight minutes and twelve seconds later, according to her internal clock, Alex pushed the legs aside and detached Charlie’s right arm. She watched again, having nothing else to pass the time, while Alex opened a concealed section on the arm and snap something back in place inside. She kept watching, the monotony and tension weighing more on her than the straps that held her torso up. So she focused on the movements in Alex’s hands as they wound thin tape carefully around the damaged wires in the fingers.

Finally Alex reconnected all of their sister’s limbs. “Try moving,” they said, and Charlie did, immediately feeling the difference in her legs and arm.

“That’s definitely better,” she told them, a hint of a smile twitching at her lips.

Alex did smile a little. “That’s great. I’ll just recheck the diagnostics to make sure,” they said, a note of relief fading into their voice. After a quick glance at the terminal they gave a thumbs up and a grin to Charlie before undoing her straps and allowing her to stretch.

“That was good,” Charlie told them. “I don’t know, it didn’t seem as smooth as when Aunt Jen does it,” Alex confessed.

“Yeah, because she’s had years of practice,” she retorted with a scoff. “Besides, you stepped in to help even though you didn’t have to, and even though you were worried about it. And that… that means a lot, obviously.” This time she felt awkward, and wasn’t entirely sure if her point had come across.

Alex was silent for a moment before taking a deep breath. “Well, now that that’s taken care of, we better clean up breakfast before Aunt Jen gets back, all tired from running around writing,”

“Yeah,” Charlie said with a grin. “Heaven forbid that house isn’t completely clean when the next town scandal is uncovered. Laughing, the two went upstairs, leaving behind their tension in the basement.

[slimey-boo]

Reflection on my art over the past few months

(I originally did this with a deviant art journal, and now I’m moving it here as well) There’s no need to pay much attention to this, since it will likely be massively unstructured rambling about my art and my feelings towards it. If you're uninterested in that, feel free not to read lol. So for starters I want to reflect on the strange pull away from trying to imitate art I had seen. It's weird to think that last year I had been doing tons of watercolor before my sudden digital lineless art. It's also weird looking back at that stuff and no longer being proud of it. I think I overhype how proud of it I was at the time, cause truth be told I'm almost never proud of the stuff I make. Either way it was still neat to be something I had never done before, especially when there were things I was making that I was actually somewhat happy with. (though, looking back they aren't so good). Another thing that I find interesting is yet another style change that just sorta blipped in. Every once in a while my art just drastically changes. It's uncontrollable and always a little shocking. When it happened this previous semester, (a jump from my smooth more professional lineless art to my angular/geometric art style) It was the first time I wasn't... super upset about it? I guess I wasn't between the jump from watercolor to lineless, but I wasn't really drawing all summer, this was a much more active jump. Looking back now, the earliest angular stuff is reeeaallly sloppy, like, it's pretty bad. And most of it doesn't really hold up in my eyes but it has grown on me a lot. Challenging myself to draw everyday has worked in preserving the art style, although I've started to slack on that lately. I finally did something interesting for an event, the whole christmas advent calendar thing was pretty fun. It mostly produced mediocre work but I was trying to draw based on prompts I had written, it wasn't the easiest but it worked I guess. The biggest thing so far has been the shirts. It has sorta brought out this higher quality in my art, where it actually looks, dare I say it, good for once?? like even when I was "proud" of stuff I made before I never thought it looked good, whereas now some of my stuff actually looks good to me now. Good enough for me to actually make something for myself to wear in public, which is pretty crazy. It's stressful, artblocks are much scarier now and tbh I'm not actually making any money from it (not a lot of people order shirts which I think is perfectly understandable, that stuff is EXPENSIVE, and most of the people who'd buy it are my friends, and most of my friends are broke college age kids, because I myself am a broke college age kid.) but even without people actually buying it it's a huge deal to me for one big reason, which is finding satisfaction outside of getting people saying it's nice. I still definitely look for comments and like seeing people say it's good, but it's become reaffirmation, not just the sole source of validation. I typically can't find any positivity within myself towards the things I do. I can't look at myself and think I look nice, I can't look at my work and think it looks good (until now I guess), etc etc. So being able to actually look at my drawings and find satisfaction in the drawing itself, not the notes it gets is pretty neat. I mean, the comments and notes it gets is still a big part of it for me, thus is why I post my art in so many different places, trying to scoop up as much validation as I can, but it's something I'm stepping away from needing which is really cool. This has also just generally helped me feel more secure and confident with stuff, like the way I look amongst other things. It's not perfect, I'm still not really up on my feet, but it's a start, and that's pretty cool. Ciao

[judedeluca]

Titans: Cakes and Confessions (RoyXDonna)

I’ve been trying to type something for #royharperbdayweek for the last few days, but I’ve been artblocked. I finally busted my ass and spent most of last night working on something I felt comfortable enough to finally post on here.

This takes place in a post-Rise of Arsenal, post-New 52, and post-Rebirth world where the DCU has started gaining a semblance of their real lives back after getting free of Dr. Manhattan’s brainwashing. It involves Roy, Lian, and Donna dealing with some emotions left over following Lian’s death and what Donna went through in Blackest Night.

There’s mention of Donna’s kids and Lian’s baby brother, and some chubby!Roy stuff.

Really hoping to hear some thoughts and inputs on this since I don’t normally write fan fics as long as this in one sitting.

It was a nice looking jack-o'-lantern. Not an angry or scary looking one, but not a silly, dopey-looking one either. Lian wanted to feel proud, but she had to get a second opinion. "Does it look okay, Donna?" Lian Harper asked her surrogate aunt, Donna Troy, as Donna finished cleaning the bowls and cups they'd just used. Donna wiped her hands on a dish towel before joining Lian's side. On the kitchen table there was a triple layer cake, covered in rich chocolate icing. Lian had just finished decorating the top of the cake with orange, green, and yellow butter cream frosting to make a pumpkin face. It smiled up at the young and younger women. "It looks wonderful, Lian." Donna said, patting Lian's back. "But it does look like a pumpkin, right?" Lian was unsure as she looked into her aunt's eyes. "You're not just saying that?" "You won't be getting false praise from me, honey." Donna commented, then kissed Lian on the top of her head. That made Lian believe Donna was speaking true. "I bet Daddy will love it." Lian mentioned. "I hope he does too." Donna added, as they had spent most of the afternoon baking the cake for Lian's father Roy, while also keeping an eye on Lian's baby brother Tommy. This weekend, Donna's ex-husband (Terry or Jerry or whatever his name is) had custody of their son Robbie and her stepdaughter Jennifer. So Donna convinced Roy to let her watch Lian and Tommy for the afternoon feeling he'd been doing a lot lately and could use some time to himself. It was entirely transparent she wanted time with Lian to do something for Roy while he was out of the house, but no one said anything. Tommy had just been fed and put down for a nap while Lian iced and decorated the cake. She insisted on doing it by herself to prove she could. "Well we both love all the other cakes and stuff you've been bringing over." Lian reminded Donna. "But thanks for letting me help with this." "It was my pleasure having you as a baking partner." Donna hugged the young girl. "I'm gonna go check on Tommy." But before Donna could leave the kitchen, Lian had a question she wanted to ask. A question that had been on her mind for a while. "Donna?" "Yes, Lian?" Donna stopped and turned to face Lian again. "Is everything okay?" Lian asked, a look of concern on her face. "Huh?" The question sort of caught Donna by surprise before Lian began talking. "You've been coming over a lot lately," Lian explained, "And I know you and Daddy aren't together-I mean, 'Together' together anymore. Are you alright?" "Don't worry about me, honey. I'm fine." Donna smiled. But Lian wasn't fully convinced. "Is it cuz of all that stuff that happened when I… you know." "No, Lian." Donna replied. "Well, how come you're over so much?" Lian continued. "Do you want me to stop coming over?" Donna asked. "No! I love having you over. And so does Daddy and I'm sure Tommy does as well if he could talk." Lian emphasized. Donna laughed a little before she spoke. "I just liking spending time with you guys, and I like cooking for you guys." Donna explained. "I'll say." Lian smirked, thinking about all the homemade sweets and stuff Donna had been leaving for Roy at their house, and at Titans Tower, and at Donna's place. Her dad especially seemed to really like them. And it was starting to show. "I'm gonna go check on your brother before your dad gets home. Okay?" Donna smiled at Lian. "Okay." Lian smiled back. But as Donna left the room, Lian's smile faded and the look of concern returned. She wasn't convinced at all. … "I'm home!" Roy called out from the front door. "Any wild and crazy parties or dead bodies better be taken care of by the time I step over the threshold!" He held two big bags of groceries in his arms, and one plastic bag containing takeout hanging around his wrist, as he entered the house when Lian came running out of the living room. "Daddy!" She threw her arms around her dad's waist and squeezed. "Etai Yazi!" Roy called back, which was Navajo for "Little Girl." "Gimme a sec," he said as he tried to place the reusable bags down on the side table in the hallway. He then kneeled down to Lian's level and gave her a big hug and kiss on her cheek. "Missed you." "Missed you more." Lian replied, kissing Roy's scruffy cheek. "And you didn't burn the house down while I was gone." Roy whistled. "I'm impressed." "Well I can be trusted not to burn the house down. Unlike some people." Lian folded her arms and gave her dad a pretend angry glare, referring to a certain incident Roy had while Lian was… away. "True, true. You're certainly more trustworthy than I am." Roy conceded as he stood up. "We all know you're the responsible one, though I don't know where you get it from." "Oh and, guess what?" Lian asked. "What?" "Boop." Lian poked at his belly button, sticking out after his shirt came untucked. "Hey!" Roy shooed her off as he tucked his shirt back in. "Well it's your own fault for getting fat." Lian smugly informed him. "I know, I know," Roy smirked. "I'm gross." "Nah, you're not." Lian hugged her dad again. "Whatdja do while we were here?" Lian asked. "I took care of some stuff at Titans Tower, then I did some shopping. No big deal." "Come look what me and Donna did while you were out!" Lian began to pull her dad into the kitchen, bumping into Donna who was coming out of the first floor bathroom. "Hi Mr. Speedy." Donna said as she hugged Roy. "Hi Ms. Wonder Girl." Roy replied. "You guys have fun?" "Always." "Surprise!" Lian practically shoved the cake in Roy's face. "You guys made this together?" Roy asked as Donna took the cake from Lian. "Does it look good?" Lian asked. "It looks great!" Roy messed up Lian's hair before turning his attention to Donna again. "But what's the occasion?" Donna shrugged, acting like it was no big deal. "No occasion, just wanted to do something nice while you had the day to yourself." Was the convenient explanation she gave. "I did the icing myself, and I put the pumpkin on it since it's almost Halloween." Lian revealed. "It's chocolate and spice." "I really don't know what I did to deserve you two." Roy kissed Lian on the cheek and then Donna. "You're spoiling me." "I can put these away if you wanna check in on Tommy." Donna offered as she set the grocery bags on the kitchen counter. "It's cool, I can do it." Roy reached over, but Donna playfully slapped his hand away. "No no, go see Tommy." Donna insisted. "He wasn't any trouble today, was he?" Roy asked. "Not at all." "I'll go with you, Daddy." Lian joined her father. The two Harpers headed upstairs to where Tommy Harper, nee Blake, the youngest member of the family slept. Roy quietly opened the door and stuck his head inside to see Lian's baby brother sleeping soundly in his crib. "I hate leaving him alone." Roy sighed as he closed the door. "It's cool dad, we had fun with Donna." Lian explained. "But, um…" Roy saw the look on Lian's face and knew what she was referring to. "She didn't tell you what was wrong, did she." Roy guessed. Lian sighed. "No." Lian shook her head. "But she's sad about something, Daddy. I saw it when I asked her what was wrong. It was like when you used to tell me you were okay, even though you weren't." "Damn it." Roy muttered to himself. "I'm sorry." Lian apologized. "It's okay, peanut. You didn't do anything wrong." Roy reassured her. For the last couple of months, Donna had been acting strange. But then it had been a strange couple of years for a variety of reasons and they were only just returning to a semblance of their old lives. Their REAL lives. Probably the strangest things had been how Roy was brainwashed into thinking Jason Todd was his best friend, and Donna had been replaced by a doppelganger who then gave her life to save Donna. With Roy and Donna back on the Titans with their friends Dick, Wally, and Garth, things felt real for the first time in a long time, even before the world had been gutted inside out. It was like someone had engineered a string of tragedies to make them as miserable as possible before killing them. Now they were all alive and healthy, and so were their kids and loved ones. Yet Donna had started becoming… not clingy, but, was motherly the right word? Overeager? It seemed that way to Roy and Lian, and to a lesser extent Tommy. Admittedly, he was a new addition to the Harper household after Roy learned of his existence and rescued him from Tommy and Lian's mom a few months ago. Donna seemed to worry a lot if Roy was eating enough, and had been showering father and daughter Harper in a variety of baked snacks and treats. Cakes, cookies, pies, even these delectable pomegranate pastries Donna learned of from her sister Diana. Roy was certainly enjoying them more than Lian was, since Donna saw more of the older Harper than the younger one. If he had to stay late at the Tower, she had food ready for a late night snack. If he was arriving early in the morning, there was breakfast in case he skipped the meal. It certainly explained how Roy had put on such a significant amount of weight and developed a noticeable belly on his large archer frame. Roy could sense SOMEthing was bothering Donna, as this type of behavior was new. Oh sure, Donna had long doted on Lian as if she was her daughter. But baking and preparing meals hadn't really been something she was interested in. Roy and Lian weren't ungrateful, but they wanted to know what the problem was. He kept trying to ask her if she wanted to talk, but she smiled and said she was fine. The way she said it, Roy could recognize a slight trace of sadness. Then she'd hurry off to do something else, a mission or monitor duty or something with her sister Diana and the Amazons. Lian recognized it too, but she was always a perceptive child and probably noticed before Roy did. They began to feel guilty that Donna was doing all this for them and asking for nothing. Maybe they were imagining things and she was trying to be friendly. But maybe not. That was why Roy had caved in so easily when Donna suggested he take a day for himself and let her watch the kids. He'd agreed with Lian that she would try to ask Donna what was on her mind without him in the vicinity. "What are we gonna do, daddy? I hate seeing her like this." Lian admitted. "I should've gotten Dick and the others to help," Roy said more to himself, "but I didn't want to put her on the spot in front of everyone." "But she hasn't been acting weird with them, right?" Lian asked. "It's just us, for some reason." "Yeah…" Roy furrowed his brow, trying to think. … Downstairs in the kitchen, Donna had finished putting away the rest of the food in the fridge when Roy tapped her on the shoulder. "What'd you pick up for dinner?" Donna turned and asked him. "I got some chicken and rice with plantains from this place near the supermarket." Roy explained. "But hey, before we eat…" "Yes?" Roy sighed. "Donna, I want you to please tell me what's wrong." Roy asked his teammate and best friend. "You sound just like Lian a little while ago." Donna laughed. "You guys worry too much. Can't I do something nice for one of my best friends and his daughter? Is that so strange?" "No, but I mean," Roy scratched the back of his head as he tried to come up with the right words. He should've been direct to begin with, but feared he was over thinking things. He trusted Lian's judgment, though. "I remember you don't like it when everyone expects you to act like their mom. So Lian and I, we were both wondering if you're really okay doing all this. The baking, cooking." "Roy-" Donna was about to begin before Roy cut her off. "Hey, I'm not complaining or anything. Aside that I'm gonna need some bigger clothes, of course." Roy smiled and patted his new belly. "I appreciate all the stuff you've done and how you're trying to look out for me and my kids. But I feel like I'm taking advantage of you, and that isn't even the main thing I'm worried about. Donna, Lian and I both think something's going on with you. Please, if something's wrong I wanna help. We both do." Donna wasn't sure what to say, Roy's green eyes locked on her blue ones. "Please? Tell me what's wrong?" Donna hesitated and looked away from Roy and Lian. She scratched her arm. "It's… it's silly, really." There was a little tremble in Donna's voice. "Well look, why don't we eat dinner first, and then you can tell the two of us what's on your mind over that cake you and Lian made. Promise?" … Donna wasn't sure whether or not to look forward to the talk after dinner, which was something of an event when Tommy absolutely refused to eat unless Donna was the one to feed him. Roy had barely eaten anything as he struggled to get his stepson to budge a little on the subject of mashed carrots. Lian was happy to get dinner AND a show, until Tommy swatted his food in Lian's direction. After Tommy finally settled down, had his bath, and was told a Navajo legend to get to sleep, Roy, Donna, and Lian sat in the living room with coffee and cake (and milk for Lian since she didn't need the caffeine AND sugar). Roy sat in the middle of the couch with Donna and Lian flanking him on both sides. "So, tell us what's bothering you, Donna." Roy got straight to the point. "Am I gonna have another baby brother, Daddy?" Lian wondered. "Is that why you're so unhappy Donna?" Donna practically choked on her cake. "Ahaha! No, Lian, nothing like that." Donna assured Lian. "I figured," Lian sighed, pinching her dad's side. "But I was hoping he was eating for two." "Hey now-!" Roy almost dropped his plate as he squirmed. "It's cool daddy, I like you better this way." Lian giggled. "You make the best pillow when we stay up late watching movies and you're a lot happier than you were before." "True. So thanks for that, Donna." The three of them set everything down on the coffee table before they began to really talk. Donna looked down at her hands, folded in her lap, as Roy and Lian aimed their attention solely on her. "I know my behavior has been bizarre lately-" Donna started. "I wouldn't call it 'bizarre'-" Roy added. "But with all the ridiculousness of the past few years and how badly things went for all of us," Donna began to list the horrible things everyone went through, "Prometheus, the Black Lanterns, the Villains for Hire, and then the time Barry Allen and Dr. Manhattan stole from us, I've been feeling… I-I guess I'd call it regret." "Regret?" Roy was confused, wondering what she was referring to, "For what?" Donna looked at Lian before she spoke again. "Lian," Donna felt uncomfortable just remembering what happened, "You know about what happened after you…" "Died?" Lian finished. Roy and Donna both winced. Her death. One of the most painful moments of Roy's life. A senseless accident that was a harbinger for what felt like an eternity of unhappiness for both the Harpers and their extended family. "Um. Yeah. I-I do." Lian reluctantly confirmed. "The last time your dad and I spoke before things got really bad, at your, um," God Donna hated everything right now, "Funeral. It wasn't great." "I know about that too." Lian revealed rather somberly. She knew about the awful things her father had screamed at Donna regarding the deaths of her own children. How he'd accused her of "Whoring in space" with Kyle Rayner while her son died in a car crash. Which absolutely wasn't true, by the way. "Looking back on it, I've felt, yes, what your dad said to me was really out of line, but I shouldn't have let that stop me from trying to help." Donna was now referring to how almost everyone in Roy's life had completely, utterly failed at trying to help him deal with Lian's death. Even with how aggressive he'd turned in the most recent days after Lian died, the lack of empathy most of Roy's friends had given was astonishing. It hurt worse because it turned out more had been going on than everyone assumed, which they would've noticed had they really paid attention to Roy's behavior. "Donna-" "No. Please let me get this off my chest." Donna stood and seated herself in a chair away from Roy and Lian, so she could get a better look at them as she spoke. "I've been wondering about if maybe, if I'd tried harder to reach out to you Roy, when you started slipping, then maybe things wouldn't have reached the point they did. I've seen how much you've worked towards making it up to Lian, and how hard you've been trying with Tommy. I feel like if I'd been more help back then, you wouldn't have needed to work so hard now." "I didn't 'slip,' Donna," Roy firmly told her, owning up to his actions, "I did drugs, called you a whore, tried to kill Dick and Mia, and joined Deathstroke's fake Titans because I was angry and using Lian as an excuse to justify all the crap I pulled." "I'm not trying to absolve you of the stuff you did Roy-" "He's been doing his best for me and Tommy!" Lian interjected, almost pleaded, to Donna, to immediately make her feel better and end this unbearable moment. "And I help with Tommy too! Plus I already forgave him for all that, a-and he apologized to Uncle Dick and Mia, anyway!" "It's alright, Etai Yazi." Roy tried to soothe her. "I'm sorry, is what I'm trying to say. I didn't do enough to help after Lian died. When Robbie and Jen passed away, I-I don't even want to get into some of the stuff that went through my head. You wanna believe part of me hated you, Roy? Because you still had Lian and I barely saw Robbie at that point after the divorce? I should've been more forgiving after that argument." "And so you've been worrying so much lately, doing all that cooking and baking…?" "I wanted to do something more tangible to show I care and that I wanted to make up for it." Donna finally admitted. "I've been trying to pay attention. It's easy to say stuff about doing everything I can to help, but I figured this was the best way to show it." Roy and Lian looked at each other and then looked at Donna. "Well, I've been trying." Donna sighed and sank back in the chair. No one said anything for a minute that seemed to last hours, before Roy stood up. "Donna, can you stand up please?" Roy extended his hand towards her. "Huh?" "Come on, up and at 'em." Roy said. As Donna took Roy's hand, he pulled her into a tight embrace as Lian stood behind Donna and placed her hands around her waist." "Listen Wonder Chick," Roy began, "you've got nothing to be sorry about and nothing to apologize for. I heard about what happened with the Black Lanterns, and you'd have been totally justified for taking my head off after what I said." Roy referred to the nightmarish ordeal where Donna encountered a zombified version of son, whom she tried to kill in order to stop. It didn't work, and what she did continued to haunt Donna even though Robbie was alive again. "Yeah, I would have and he's my dad." Lian agreed. "Even before I found out, I didn't blame you for anything. You didn't do anything wrong. It's not right for you to blame yourself when you needed help too after what you went through. And I'm sorry I made you feel like you had to make it up to us." Donna wasn't sure what to say. "Come on, I hate seeing so unhappy. What can I do to make you feel better?" "Yeah, what can WE do?" Lian corrected. Donna relaxed, and smiled. Roy and Lian let go and she sighed, a sigh of relief instead of unhappiness. There'd been too much sighing today. "For starters, next weekend you can make breakfast for me, Robbie, and Jen when she visits." Donna joked, then sniffed and wiped away a tear from her eye. "And then the six of us, Tommy included, can spend the afternoon baking at the Tower." Donna mused. "Snickerdoodles, peanut?" Roy conspired with Lian, taking Donna totally seriously. "Roy I'm ki-" "How about something with macadamia nuts?" Lian wondered. "No good, Jen's allergic to nuts." Roy surprised Donna by mentioning that since she wasn't aware he knew of her children's allergies. "Okay then snickerdoodles!" Lian declared. "Does that help?" Roy asked Donna, mock pouting with puppy dog eyes. "Snickerdoodles?" "You're both such dorks." Donna held his hand. "Well, DUH." Both Harpers said. "Besides, I'm the Titan who's supposed to be constantly ashamed of themselves." Roy joked. "It's kind of my whole shtick, in case you hadn't noticed." "Yeah, stop stealing my dad's shtick!" Lian ordered. "It's all he has going for him. It's bad enough you made him fat!" "Yeah, it's bad enough you made me fat!" Roy parroted his daughter. That was too much for Donna and she started to laugh, and laugh, and laugh.

[raviolivs]

lately I’ve been having a lot of career-related crises and feeling insecure about my abilities along with artblock. It feels like a few of weeks ago I was on top of everything and feeling pretty motivated - other than my day job, I was diligently updating my comic twice a week, did some freelance work, managed to do some storyboarding for a personal project and was even working out a little every week. Then I got an awful cold that lasted over two weeks and it felt like my body was telling me “Oh yeah? You’re not feeling useless cause you’re doing a bunch of stuff? well too bad you’re not gonna be able to do them now HA!!!!!” So I had to slow down my pace. During this time I didn’t excercise, only updated my comic once a week, and sorta put aside my personal storyboard. I kept working properly but I even messed up some stuff I never do. Then I finally got better, but my left ribs still hurt when I take a deep breath or when I get up (I got an x-ray and everyting seems to be fine, so it’s just muscle strain from coughing too much), and I haven’t really been able to get back on track. I also sorta took a blow when I didn’t get any response in an attempt to participate in a dream project......also we sold next to nothing at the comics fair our collective participated in this weekend...

BUT

I DO HAVE GOOD THINGS HAPPENING SO I’M GONNA FOCUS ON THAT

During this time I got to participate in a podcast about Miyazaki!

I got to talk about my comic Boitatá Espacial at a game dev meet-up (cause I’m participating in this contest that gives comic artists and game developers a chance to match up and create a game based on a comic and get funds to produce it) and I was approached by some girls from a game studio I met last year, and they wanna participate and try to make a Boitatá game!

My Professor who guided my during my final project in univerity is acting as a guest editor on a magazine, (in a special issue about sexuality) and she invited me to contribute with an erotic one-page comic to be featured in it! Yeee I’m nervous if I’ll be able to make something good but it’s exciting to get money and visibility for my lesbian shit.

other than that my birthday is tomorrow and I’m afraid for my country’s future cause the chance of a good outcome for the elections seems bleak.

OH WELL I HOPE THE SPRING EQUINOX BRINGS US JOY AND HOPE

[applegelstore]

Hey! Just wanted to drop by and say I really love your art and seeing your content! Along with the ideas you speak of sometimes. It's so nice to see because it looks like you enjoy what you do. It's an inspiration, really. I also wanted to ask, what's your inspiration? And what keeps you motivated? And this next one might be a bit personal, but do you have moments of self doubt? How do you deal with it?

Hi! First of all, thanks a lot for the ask, I don’t get personal questions about my art very often, so it’s very cool to see that some people are actual people and not porn bots, and are actually interested in the things I post!

Now for the actual ask, which I’ll totally have to divide into parts. I’ll also set a cut because it got hella long. Now, let’s go!

I have a very bad habit of word vomiting whenever I post art. It’s not only ever since I’ve started binge drawing Zesty fanart, I’ve pretty much always been like this ever since I started posting art on the internet about… 12 years ago at the very least?It used to be a lot of musing about the art itself (like, “what do you think, should I have tried this or that?” or “I had trouble with this thing” or “I actually like how whatever turned out”), which is probably due to the fact that teenage me had still a lot to learn and wasn’t afraid to admit that and ask for advice. I mostly posted my art online to get some peer advice.Nowadays, I am still aware of my shortcomings, but I don’t talk about the technical aspects of my art that often anymore. Nowadays, I have two reasons for posting art online: 1) I’m trying to make a living out of this shit, so naturally I’m trying to make as many people as possible aware of the fact that I exist. 2) I just wanna talk about the thing ™. Honestly. Never underestimate either of these points. That’s why there’s very often so much text and ranting in the tags. Because. I. want. to. talk. about. the. thing. I have an unholy amount of sticky notes on my desktop with ideas of things I’d either like to do because I think it would be subjectively cool, or because it might be a good addition to my portfolio. (spoilers: the former usually gets done like a decade earlier)I’m very glad that the sparks fly over and it shows that I love the things I love! ♥The result is novel-length descriptions for single sketches and tag vomit, though, lol.

“I also wanted to ask, what’s your inspiration?”

There’s no easy answer to that. First of all, it sounds a bit as if I was actively looking for inspiration. Which I am not. As I said, I rather have too many ideas and end up scrapping an unholy amount because even if I only do doodle shitpost sketches there’s no way I can do it all in a lifetime. I don’t know whether you had been implying that I actively look for inspiration or not, but if you did, let me tell you that I don’t. If you didn’t mean to imply that, no harm done.However, that doesn’t mean I don’t GET any. Because of course I get my inspiration from all kinds of places. I don’t watch a lot of movies, but I love going to the cinema and hearing the sounds and get eye candy (I love epic shots with the camera panning over landscapes and cool action scenes. Also, go watch The Secret of Kells, everyone). I always come out of blockbuster movies feeling like I wanna do something epic, too. I always listen to a whole lot of music, too, and there’s way too many songs that make me want to tell stories, and that plant pictures in the cinema in my head.(there was a time before Tales of Zestiria when I did original art and most of my paintings had some kind of musical inspiration lol. My stories, too).

Then there’s style and subject matter.Style first. I stopped aiming for a specific style pretty early on (like, late teens), and just accepted what came to me and works for me. The result is the weird anime not quite anime semi realism mixture that I have going, and the ratio usually varies depending on what I currently want to do. If I gave you a list of my favorite artists, you’d probably be surprised how little my own art has in common with theirs.Subject matter? WELLLLLL my original stuff comes from what I told you above, additionally, I studied medieval literature for a reason, and I loved mythological tales from my teenage years onwards. I’m much less enthusiastic about them now, but it used to influence my original art for quite a few years.…Also, I obviously like to do fanart. Like, a lot.

Also spoilers: I obviously love Zesty a tiny bit too much, because for no other fandom the streak of fanart has ever been holding up for two years and still counting without an end in sight, and I’ve never come up with any AUs, either. Usually my ideas went straight into original material, and this original material usually got top priority, but here it’s different, and I’m not sure whether it’s a good or a bad thing, haha. So basically don’t wait for my original stories* until I’m either a) done with the Zesty fandom or they’ve united and kicked me out or b) I’ve actually drawn at least four more full scale elaborate illustrations, have created the four or five AUs that I keep doodling for and ranting about, and I have finally run out of steam. Bets are up what happens first.

If you want specifics, it’s always easier to determine inspiration for a particular piece than in general. It can be so many different things.

* Although I still very, very much like some of my ideas and would actually love to do them. I just love to do low-effort Zesty fanart more XD. Shocking! But honestly, I am as surprised as anyone else that my muses shifted as much as they have, and mid-twenties me would never have guessed she’d fall into this rabbit hole in no time…

“And what keeps you motivated?”

I never… really needed to push myself to be motivated. It’s always been intrinsic. I had pictures in my head, I wanted them out. So I had to learn how, and do it. I have ideas in my head. I want to share them. I very much like this thing others have made. I want to tell the entire world how much I love it, so I do by drawing fanart. Simple as that.Positive responses (and asks like this!!) are a great motivator to POST art, but not to DO the art. The latter is intrinsic.Actually, probably TOO intrinsic. Because I keep drawing the things I WANT to draw and not those which would teach me new skills and thus help with “make money with art” thing. So I guess it’s a bit of a mixed bag, haha.I started drawing daily instead of just regularly at some point during my master’s studies, so roughly 8-5 years ago? Whenever I’m on the road or beaten by illness or bad feelings, I sometimes only manage very simple, super bad sketches, but it’s better than nothing. Luckily, it’s not like that every day (still more often that I’d like to, though).

If you’re wondering:Yes, I’ve had artblocks. Usually not in the sense of “I don’t have ideas”, but VERY MUCH in the sense of “I don’t feel like any of the ideas I have right now” and also “nothing I touch turns out the way I want it to turn out”. To all artists out there: it goes away. Believe me. Your stupid period will be over next week (to the guys out there: that’s not a joke. It DOES affect my general condition). It will be better the moment YOU feel better from whatever you’re currently suffering from.Yes, I’ve also scrapped ideas not because I didn’t like them after all, but because I tried and just failed repeatedly at executing them. Yes, I’ve had such bad times in life that I didn’t want to do ANYTHING. That included art. I just. didn’t. want. to. do. anything. Sometimes I still have these phases, but at least it no longer lasts for months straight without break.

“And this next one might be a bit personal, but do you have moments of self doubt?”

Pfft. Of course. Show me an artist who hasn’t. I’ve learned by now that you can acquire every skill you want. The question is whether you have the time and the will for it. If I had started drawing daily much earlier in life, and if I’d practiced more of the things I’m not good at instead of doodle shitposting, I’d be at an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT level than I am now. Even if I had STILL studied what I studied as I did (as I said, medieval literature, nothing art related). I’ve been drawing ever since I could hold a pencil and my parents have always been supportive, so that wasn’t a problem, I just wasn’t aware all these years that it could be something future me might want. Past me couldn’t have KNOWN. It’s okay, in a way. I can do the things I WANT to do by now. Not always as majestically as the ideas deserve, but it does the job. I don’t need to be able to do hyper realistic portraits, or hyper detailed interiors of space ships, for example. (it would be cool to be able to draw musical instruments tho. I’d love to learn 2D animation, too, but WHEN??) In short, am I aware that I’m not god and that my skills are limited in comparison to many other artists? Yes. Is that a problem? No.Do I doubt whether I can do my job, though? Very much yes. Because successful freelance artists don’t only need skill, they need to sell themselves, and I suck at that most epically. Do I miss the times when I didn’t even think about becoming better but simply drew for fun? Pretty much, yeah. Do I miss the times when I still had the ability to concentrate on elaborate, large paintings? Yes, I do. But I can’t turn my brain back to 10 year old. So I’ll have to deal with what I have now.

If you’re wondering whether I had moments of self doubt about my ideas, then, yes, very super much yes. I am convinced that the things you produce should be what YOU want to see. I want to draw what I want and tell the stories I WANT TO SEE AND READ. As I said, I’m doing it because I want these things to exist. Does it still hurt if nobody else likes these ideas? Yes, yes it does very much. It’s not even that I start thinking my ideas were bad, but that I start thinking “Nobody understands me and nobody will ever be able to like me because they don’t like my ideas, and my ideas are part of me”. Which is true, but it is ALSO true that you do not have to like every single idea some other person has to like them or be friends with them, I am aware of that, but if I may be honest here, it’s still a thought that I can’t quite get rid of, and still gets me angsty whenever I share some of my story ideas with anyone.

“How do you deal with it?”

I don’t. Ahem. Truth be told, I never really developed a proper coping mechanism for failures, and I don’t exactly like that about myself, but I still haven’t found a proper solution. As much as I stress that I do the things I do because I actually want to, I also told you that it scares me to see people disagreeing. It’s not only art related, whenever I feel I messed something up (school ie. marks, socialisation, whatever), it eats at me for days or even weeks until something positive happens (like, better marks, a compliment, anything). I don’t really like it, mostly because it starts a vicious cycle, but that’s how it is. I had surprisingly little problems with that during my university years because I had good marks, but I still mess up at least 50% of all the social interaction I do. It’s not always that easy with art, either.Story time.I remember one conversation with an artist who’s teaching art classes at my (ex) university, like, portrait drawings and flower paintings. So at some point when I started trying to live on art, I asked her whether she’d be interested in offering classes for other art styles as well, like comic drawing classes. She said she’d be interested, so I wanted to talk to her in person, but she never replied to that email reply. I decided to be bold for once, grabbed my portfolio, and went to her after one of her classes to show her what I’m doing. Put on the spot, she admitted that she didn’t reply any further because she didn’t like what I was doing. It was good from a technical aspect, but it seemed dull and uninspired to her, like something she had seen too many times already.I was devastated.I’ve always had to deal with underwhelming responses from peers and friends, too, but I also got some really sweet reactions and genuine support, so it was kind of a mixed bag, overall. I wasn’t used to that kind of harsh rejection of who I am.

Am I also very, VERY petty and jealous? Hell, yes. I get VERY jealous whenever I see people whose art is on my level or below but they still manage to make money with it, and have 10-100 times the amount of followers I have and/or get more enthusiastic responses online. It just makes me angry. The only way of coping I’ve ever found is stay the fuck away. I KNOW that it’s not these people’s fault if I’m jealous, and goddamn, freelance artist life is hard enough as it is. We don’t need to tear other apart. Surely they worked their asses off to be where they are. Heck, I’m friends with some. I keep away from those people so I can calm down and stop being angry, before I start lashing out at artists just because they get the attention they need and deserve. It’s not THEIR fault that I need money and also reassurance.

The only thing that ever worked for me to overcome any of these issues is just continue nevertheless. Keep doing what you’re doing. Remember what you love and why and JUST KEEP DOING IT. Even if you don’t see the point right now. Chances are you will see that point again. Maybe you never will. But IF you ever do, you want to make damn sure that you didn’t drop the ball in the meantime. There’s that saying that you can lose if you fight, but you can’t win if you never fight. It’s true. Be stubborn and show the world your middle finger.Spoilers: I’m teaching comic style drawing classes for the “rivaling” institute now. Always only in super small groups and it’s badly paid, so I don’t know for how long I’ll be able to keep it up, but it’s a start, right?

I hope that answered your questions!

Last remark: always remember, kids: you HAVE to produce the content you want to see yourself. Nobody is gonna do it for you unless you pay them. So. I’m doing it. Against better judgment, lol.…and watch The Secret of Kells.

[elyonblackstar]

Whooo another year is almost over!! What a mess of a year really... I’m glad it’s done @A@ anyway!! Lots of Kidlaw & ulquihime... basically only them... X’D actually I do have a couple of other things but these are my favs from the months to fill =3= and I’m taking the chance to thank all of you once again because all of your support is always import to me guys!!! Thank you very much, wish you a wonderful new year a lots of good stuff in 2018!! 

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 Some rumbling under the cut ♥

This has been a long year for me and I had to spend most of the time working on commissions. I also had ( and still have) quite a lot of personal issues IRL, health, family and finances are all been a big deal for me, especially in the last months... hopefully next year will be better ; u ;  For now I will try to focus on finish all the work I still own to people and the zines I applied for, and there’s still lots of things I want to work on but time is always too cruel with me T^T wish me good luck!  I think I’ve sketched like 3-4 dj that I still haven’t get around to even start >A< but someday... I will. I definitely will!! And I know I’ve been neglecting my old projects, but I don’t want to fuck things up just for the sake of producing if I know I won’t do any good.... better something nice later that lots of mediocre/bad things soon. At least that’s how I feel.  I’d love to end this thinking I’m at least getting better at art but tbh I think I’m a bit lost rn and can’t really tell myself what’s good and what’s not in my own art... maybe next year I will finally be able to beat the artblock and this horrible feeling of not being good enough that has been haunting me in the last year... Nevertheless, I’m still kicking and I’m not going to give up that easily, drawing is still my life and no matter what I’ll keep going forward. 

Thanks to whoever decides to read until the end, and sorry for sadden you, love all the support and nice words I get from my followers and I appreciate it ♥ let’s do better in the next year!!