#i feel it now deeply
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dragon meat, you, and me
#marcille donato#falin touden#farcille#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#tw blood#tw body horror#tw gore#as a normal farcille fan this revival has been on my mind since i first read it and getting to watch it is like yippee!!#like messy revivals are everything - the consequences that will haunt u for the rest of the time they are alive#the initial hopeful moments where it all seemed well but quickly descend to That not being the case - losing not only the bit of evidence#evidence that your dream may work out but also someone you deeply care about in the process… marcille my Beloved#ofc wholly thruout the journey - at the forefront of it - getting falin back was the most crucial point but so wuickly :(( it was lost#on the other end its crazy to think about the compoments of falin now - human - dragon (dungeon) - marcille’s magic and desperation#the food the crew cooked (digested) - she is made of many parts!!#also i did not realize how medical it feels to draw smth like this. i dont usually explore the inner parts or use a lot of blood#in my work so rendering everything and looking up refs it felt quite magical (?)#ruporas art
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#the first chorus of this song changed me#'my mind has changed / my body's frame / but god i like it'#i am allowed to choose to view my body differently#i am allowed to not only let go of but even actively ignore how other people perceive my body and focus entirely on how i view it#yes i can still be a chameleon when i need to keep myself safe#but i can choose to view myself and define myself however i want#now that i write all this down it seems so obvious it is so obvious#but it's one of those things i knew intellectually but never really felt before#i feel it now deeply#'my heart's aflame / my body's strained / but god i like it'#(did i just have some surprisingly gender-affirming surgery? why yes i did. i didn't expect to feel this. it feels so big and so good.)#(i'm a little sad it took me this long to get here but i'm glad i'm here now.)#infinite thank yous to the 'wave hello to the void' playlist
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The tac net crash chapter is one of my favorites so far~
Ah and. Guess what. I just discovered that including this post, I made 50 pieces of fanart for Mistakes on mistakes until.. I’m so sane and normal about this story can you tell👍
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#maccadam#transformers#fic fanart#momu fanart#jazz#prowl#jazzprowl#considering the speed and the amount of fanart#….yeah I can see why tumblr thought I was a bot lmao#also#I mostly read during night and then drawing from memory during day so uhhhhh the accuracy is questionable haha#mainly I feel like half of the time I don’t know how tf Jazz looks. The guy switching between his looks so often jdjfjfj#IM. SO GLAD THEY RESOLVED THEIR DRAMA EHEHBJGJ#The scene in medbay was so damn cute#oh my goddddd#the scene of the tac net crash#muah#loved it~#you know the thing is - I'm a biiiig fan of mutual feelings and actions#the scene of the kiss was absolutely great but it was a bit one sided#Jazz cared about Prowl but Prowl was far more concerned about information safety and strategy and stuff#but this?? mmmm~ Them caring for each other#Prowl using his last moments of consciousness to ask Jazz if he is mad at him#Prowl actually deeply caring of what Jazz thinks about him now when he knows Prowl killed his friends#i don't know how to explain#kisses are great but this (points) this is my favorite five star meal right here#also there is something so funny about Prowl slowly discovering fow fucked up Jazz is and just accepting it#but being so scared when Jazz discover how fucked up he is. Only for Jazz to be like “boo I knew about your fuckedupness from the start”
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Captain Francis Crozier, at Furthest North.
#the terror amc#francis crozier#my art#can't believe it took me 2 rewatches AND getting refs for this to realize it's the hungarian state opera house. girl i was there last month#anyway yeah i was looking at gifsets of the last shot of the show and feeling nauseous with emptiness etc etc when#the thought struck me that it looks an awful lot like the tableau vivants from the ep1 flashbacks in its stillness#i have no idea whether that was an intentional reference (a sort of twisted mockery of how that scrubbed and polished portrayal of history#contrasted with the deeply sad and inglorious reality#or some sort of meta about storytelling itself. i'm not really smart enough to say lol) but i made this anyways. enjoy#pattern recognition go brrrrrrrrrrrrrr#i bent over backwards trying to make this symmetric and harmonious. it isn't but if i don't post it now i never will
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Thinking about the fact that Mabel and Dipper didn't know they had two great uncles.
Yeah they are 12 and at 12 I had a shotty understanding of my family tree- But really? Nobody brought up their great uncle? Stanley? Especially since they'll be staying with his twin brother, Stanford?
Shermie never went to Stan's fake funeral, which to me means the twos relationship was strained on some level. If Shermie is older that means his view of Stan was poisoned in some way, that even as kids they weren't close. If the Shermie is younger then he never even got to meet Stan and all he knew about him was how he failed his family. Hell, people probably barely mentioned Stanley TO Shermie.
The fact that Stan had become a black stain upon the Pines family name makes me so vividly upset. Stanley faked his death and the family just- seemingly decided to strike him from the record. To pretend he didn't existed to spare themselves the sadness and shame.
Stanford and Shermie Pines. The only children worth mentioning of Filbrick and Caryn Pines.
It was never Stanford that was lost to the world. It was Stanley, ever since he had to leave New Jersy- it was always him that had to be struck from the record. Change his name, change his state, change his affiliations, destroy the remains of ghost that was Stanley Pines. Kill him so the family doesn't bring him up, doesn't ask questions, stops asking "Stanford" about his twin.
I just keep thinking about the fact that since the day he made one single mistake all the way up until Ford walks out of that machine- Stanley Pines was killed and did not exist. And Stan himself had no one to blame, he had to play the part in his own demise- He is the only one who ever knew Stanley was alive and has been for decades.
He lives in the multitudes of every personality he's ever taken, all in the hope that he himself can stop being Stanley Pines.
#gravity falls#grunkle stan#stanley pines#STANLEYYYYYY#STANLEY THEY COULD NEVER MAKE ME HATE YOU STANLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sharky rants#Just. Imagine the fucking shame you have to live with#the shame that you can never be yourself. That anything you were is unwanted and forgotten#The shame of just BEING- Of taking space of- of /breathing-/#Imagine the world; your friend; your family; your colleagues being so ashamed of having known you#that you feel more comfortable with a persona to present.#You feel more comfortable stealing the identity of someone you care for deeply if only to help#If only to feel capable for once. To feel like you belong- Like youre doing something good for once#Imagine the shame that brings you to be comfortable not being yourself for 40 years.#ALL CASE YOU BROKE ONE FUCKING PROJECT??????? COME ON#I mean- the deeprooted shame was started from earlier. He was 'the stupid twin“; 'the troublemaker”; “the cheat and thief”#This was a long time coming#But those werent MISTAKES- The one time he genuinely made a Mistake he lost everything#Like he really mattered so little to the people around him#and he cant really blame them.#My cousin is a genius. Hes smart and academically achieved since I was a baby.#The only thing I had that he didnt was my ability to draw. to be creative. The guy for the longest time had a better social life then me too#I used to get brought to tears seeing his accomplishments- seeing people praise him. The shame lived in me any time I had to see him#The shame that I was the black sheep of the family next to the golden standard for a son- for a student- for a friend.#when I was none of those things#And Im lucky he was my cousin- cause if he was my brother that would have haunted me EVERY DAY rather then once or twice a year#Im better with it now; Im more content with who I am- But trauma dump aside-#I very very very much understand Stans shame in being the stupid one. The unachieved one in a family full of achieved people#the shame thats angry at him for being better. at the family for treating him special. and most of all at yourself that you cant be better#its a visceral feeling that I sadly understand
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Interesting how one sad worm almost turned the world upside down
#dragon age#veilguard spoilers#solas#lavellan#aideen lavellan#solavellan#i guess?#fen'harel#*sigh*#I don't want to think deeply about veilguard#I just take the few things I liked and treat the rest as uh weird fanfiction#I don't even want to break it down any longer because it makes me sad#maybe I'm also a sad worm like Solas#I went back to the old Dragon Age games to get a feel for something 😭#ik i'm being dramatic but uhh the game was very mid for me#too many plot holes and simplifications and...okay I'll shut up now#I'll just enjoy what I liked#my art
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a bit of a personal ramble because fuck it, i’m posting whatever i want on here:
the past couple years have been some of the most difficult of my life. my mom being unexpectedly hospitalized twice, the worst creative burnout of my career, the grief of reading the news about palestine every day, deep rooted anxieties about not being good enough resurfacing at an all time high, and realizing i was unhappy around people i thought i’d love forever. without getting too dark, i’d never felt more hopeless.
but even through all of that, even with the state of the world right now and the impending doom of waking up each day, i think this might be the most fearless i’ve felt in a very long time.
i just want to be alive and create and build community and share a space where we all still feel hope for our world. and that’s what i’m going to do, through the fear, through all the shit of life, i’ll be here.
#tldr#i’m getting my personality back#i know i don’t owe anyone an explanation#but if you’ve been wondering why i’ve been so absent from youtube this is why#it’s been a very bad time#but i truly do feel so much better now#and i miss you all so much#and i’m so grateful to have our community#and i never want to take it for granted#i’m excited to try new things#share new projects with you!!#sorry i’m getting really sappy#but i love you all deeply#and it feels so good to feel alive again#a clockwork ramble#that’s gonna be my new tag
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Day 6: New & Niche
What if we were two unknowable, female-presenting entities in the vast void haha.... unless?
#i tried to think of a joke but nothing made me laugh more than the word joke#i think god's sister snorts when she laughs i feel this deeply in my soul#now listen to me here.#enemies to lovers#billie spn#amara spn#billie x amara#supernatural#spn fanart#sapphicnaturalrights#the second time posting this damn thing lets hope you can see it now?
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Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will
#svsss#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#the fact that people think scum villain#-a series that examines and criticizes common tropes in fiction-#is somehow against criticism or being a little hater is wild to me#especially since shen qingqiu never gets punished for being a hater#heck- he's still a little hater by the end of the series#he mostly gets punished for treating life like a play and like he and the people around him are characters#(or in other words- he suffers for denying his own wants and emotions and his own sense of empathy)#I think some of y'all underestimate how much writing/art is inspired by creaters being little haters#like example off the top of my head-#the author of Iron Widow has been pretty vocal about the book being inspired by their hatred of Darling in the Franxx#I think my interpretation of Shen Yuan's transmigration is also supported by the fact that this series is an examines writing processes#side note- though i understand why people say Shen Yuan is lazy and think its a valid take it still doesnt sit right with me#i am probably biased because my own experiences with chronic pain and depression and isolation#but ya- i dont think Shen Yuan is lazy so much as he is deeply lonely and feels purposeless after denying parts of himself for 20ish years#like yall remember the online fandom boom from covid right?#being stuck completely alone in bed while feeling like shit for 20 days straight does shit to your brain#the fact that no one came to check on him + he wasn't exactly upset about leaving anyone behind supports the isolation interpretation too#+in the skinner demon arc he describes his life of being a faker/inability to stop being a faker now that he's Shen Qingqiu#as “so bland he's tempted to throw salt on himself” and “all he could do is lay around and wait for death” (<-paraphrasing)#bro wants to be doing stuff but is stuck in paralysis from repeatedly following scrips made by other people#another point on “Shen Yuan isn’t lazy” is just the sheer amount of studying that man does#also he did graduate college- how lazy can he really be#he doesnt know what hes doing but he at least tries to actively train his students#and he actually works on improving his own cultivation + spends quite a bit of time preping the mushroom body thing#+he's experiencing bouts of debilitating chronic pain throughout all this#but ya tldr: Shen Yuan's transmigration is an encouragement to write and not a punishment and also i dont think its fair to call him lazy
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Suspirium - Thom York
#this is my very favorite song and i think ive been wanting to make this for abt a year#when i was at my most compulsivly unwell i would be focusing so hard and sleeping so little that i would feel physically sick#like the world was tilting around me and i would think: all is well as long as i keep spinning#bc i would stop moving and suddenly id be in pieces on the floor. but now i think my favorite lines are: when i arrive will u come and find#me? or in a croud be one of them? bc its such a profoundly lonely idea. i dont believe in a life after death. i think when ur gone ur gone#your brain stops and the thing that made you you is gone forever. but if i imagined an afterlife image getting off a train onto a crowded#platform and searching for my mom through all the chaos. when i arrive will u come and find me? would our connect extend past a lifetime?#or would u be in a crowed one of them? would i stand alone in a sea of people waiting for someone who was never coming?#its a very upsetting thought#im glad i waited to make this bc i feel the song more deeply after the death of my mom. it feels more sad and more ethereal.#there r like 2 different versions of the lyrics bc thom york is so fucking hard to understand#so i use the version i like better#original art
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i genuinely love love love the iconoclast path in rogue trader SO MUCH. its one of the things that ultimately enamors me to the warhammer franchise as a whole despite empathy being so antithetical to its world and genre. its not just because iconoclast is the Nice Person route or because it subverts the foundational principle that In The Grim Dark Universe There Is Only War............ but mostly i love it because its the best way to actually engage w the morality system presented in 40k and explore it the way it deserves to be explored. its so unique parsing through the choices of the game and navigating how one might actually ACHIEVE goodness through - or more accurately without - the lens of liberal modern morality. because adhering to what we presently would call morality is arguably crueler than some of the dogmatic choices - or at least the game wants you to reflect on that and decide if that kind of morality still has value or not. and i like that they give you the opportunity to do that. youre rarely rewarded for kindness in this game and in fact your oftentimes actively punished for it (void shadows was a TRIAL for my iconoclast rt) which presents another question: are you being good because of a reward you believe you'lll be entitled to, or are you being good for the sake of goodness itself??? in saying that i do LOVE how there IS payoff in the iconoclast route eventually - when youve bleed and suffered for it enough. but theres a quality to it thats so..... so BITTERSWEET, because yippee you Empathed your way to the top - but also what IS the top?? congratulations, you are the kindest autocrat in the most bloodthirsty fascist regime in human history, sitting on your throne on a voidship run by all your slaves and serfs who die by the hundreds every time you make a warpjump for some dumbass sidequest. what the fuck. can you actually call that goodness ????? is whatever goodness-adjacent thing youve achieved worth it even if you cant change the system in the ways that matter ??? lastly - the iconoclast ending is both so wildly universe-altering to the point of feeling like a heretical ending - but also kind of. not mattering really lol. because even though its hopeful, the "good" ending still feels soooo tentative with the likelihood that its very likely not going to last. but that in itself is my favorite take away from playing this game as The Last Good Guy in the Galaxy: because the love DIDNT change anything. and it DOESNT save anyone. but ohhhhhhhhh my fucking god does it absolutely matter that it was there.
#tay plays rogue trader#rogue trader#im sure smarter people than me have covered all of this in detail many times but man. man..........#i genuinely could talk about the morality of warhammer endlessly and i literally have the most beginner-level understanding of the lore lol#i do want to pick up some of the books eventually but it is soooo daunting not knowing where to start#and it also feels like. idk. rogue trader was made for the girls and gays but i feel like i wont necessarily feel that same connection w#other material made primarily for male audiences.#ANYWAY. GOD. SORRY. THIS GAME..................#one more deeply obnoxious point to really end this mess on a high note: this game on an iconoclast route really does feel#like the solas dragonage simulator. esp iconoclast centered with a point or two in dogmatic#i do believe solas was experiencing 40k-esque psychological horror during the war of the evanuris#and if i didnt sympathize with him before i certainly do now
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autism 2 autism communication
#mine#original#orange overlay pink multiply layer my beloved#what hve i done today.....done some face studies!! very helpful!!#i am . beginning...to find.....a way of drawing that feels comfy to me...ouh#i will hopefully do some portfolio drawing tomorrow hehe#im going to re do my website...how it is now is. ugly. i wouldnt hire me#what else is going on...ive ordered some wool bc i hve learnt how to KNIT#im so alarmed. im going to attempt to make a cardigan i am so deeply alarmed#i need to exercise and have a bath. mmm. i will play vid game and then chores and then exercise and then eat and then bath#hve a good evening my friends
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bayek, doing some exploring :)
#assassin's creed#assassin's creed origins#bayek of siwa#SHRHSERHGHGHHhhhGHHGHH#manifesting a 2025 where i can achieve some kind of financial stability that lets me periodically justify taking a weekend off#to just draw some stuff and not feel some kind of awful chest crushing anxiety doom spiral about time wasted#anyway ive been chipping away at this one bc it took a million years to figure out how to achieve the sense of scale#i was imagining. also i read a book about akhenaten and it made my brain feel like it was turned to mush BUT it was extremely#interesting and now im deeply invested in a handful of egyptian dynasties#and somewhere in all of that i outlined two ac origins fan comics. after Acquiring Information on things#@ 2025 please PLEASE. give me a weekend where i can spend it all doing bayek fan comics#also i wish to acquire a new spine. i think. i slept on a much softer pillow than im used to and my entire body has been fucked for a week#like. my neck feels like a jenga tower where everything is out of place. and somehow. my hip feels TERRIBLE#i want to give my body some kind of deus ex upgrade. ehghhh
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i think that if kabru saw that “laios meeting falin for the first time” strip he’d be sobbing uncontrollably
#feels like it is SO fundamental to understanding laios on a deep level#idk something about not expecting ‘common sense’ from babies#something about how he is so deeply laios. maybe im just projecting#but that comic resonates with me SO hard#the lack of expression (taking her in) and the way he looks up for permission#and by that time his father already knows? that hes looking for permission to leave. he doesnt say it. he just looks.#and then! he runs to his kitty! and whispers like its a secret! hes a big brother now kitty!#and he whispers to the chickens! he’s got a little sister chickens! shes called falin doggies!#to see laios as an adult and to know he cares for his sister is par for the course#to see that he was enamored with her the second he met her and told all of his friends is just. fuck#they tell you many times in the series that these siblings care for each other above ALL ELSE#like knowing that all people die is separate from knowing there is no reality for either of them that doesnt contain their sibling#im going insane over the touden siblings#but i think kabru would go through these same motions and cry idk#dunmeshi#labru#if you squint#kabru of utaya#laios touden#falin touden#dungeon meshi#bumblysdumbly
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chara can have a little bit of protective older sibling traits, as a treat. why does frisk sleep face down
#im not finishing this beyond a sketch bc i dont feel like it. sparkle on its wednesday#i told yall i was going to make a comic based on one of my weirdly specific fears#and i am Deeply fucking scared of babies rolling themselves onto their faces and suffocating themselves in their sleep#i do not have kids.#working in childcare was fun until they placed me in the infant room for several years#now i am fucked up forever! babies are so fragile its terrifying!#nobody ever died but i have. So many horror stories of working in child care#that i wont share here. but i have so many#perennial buttercup au#undertale#chara#frisk#flowey#chara dreemurr#flowey the flower#he draws
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let's go
[Perfect 10 Liners 01.08]
#they just went from deeply flirty unacknowledged feelings to shower sex real fast#and you know what good for them#i said i would gif this scene and here it is#someone else probably did it and did a better job by now but that's okay probably#these boys are my fave characters so far in the show i just love them so much#i just wanna squish them together#poon is a blessing of a human being i'm so glad he got paired up with marc because they are just SO GOOD together#marc natarit#poon mitpakdee#perfect 10 liners#p10l#pondsand#pond x sand#perfect 10 liners ep 8#p10l ep 8#mia gifs perfect 10 liners things#mia gifs drama things#mia gifs things
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