#i feel guilty that i have less time for my hobbies and need to spend more time with my real life and mathlete stuff but like. i love it!

[cobra-wives]

202kove is still going, btw. just so buried in life and stuff that i can't quite sit down for anything except maybe to listen to an album while i get my stuff done... i hope the incoming school semesters/post-winter break madness is okay for everyone!

[youvebeenlivingfictional]

the pro

part ii: what we're willing to accept

Pairing: Art Donaldson x Reader

Rating: Explicit - 18+ only. minors, please get off my lawn.

Notes: My brain chose violence this morning. Not beta-read because when is it ever.

Length: 4.8K

Warnings: Slow burn; unhappily married reader; divorced Art Donaldson; infidelity; oral sex (female receiving); vaginal sex; unsafe sex

Summary: Every lesson becomes an exercise in self-control. You force yourself to try, really try, and not make silly mistakes for the sake of Art coming closer, grasping your arm or elbow, pressing close and redirecting your swing. You don’t know what you crave more these days: his praise or his touch.

He's the biggest men's tennis star since Andy Roddick.

That’s what your husband says, as if it’ll entice you. As if you know anything about tennis, about the pro that your husband says will be coming to the house to teach you to play.

It’ll be good for you. You need a hobby. 

You don’t gripe or argue. You don’t tell him that five months into your marriage shouldn’t have you looking for a new hobby. You should still be in the honeymoon stage, spending all of your time with him, hanging off of his arm, off of his every word. But he works so much and he’s away so often—

I don’t want you to get bored. 

It’s a sweet gesture. The maid handles the housework; you have a chef that handles most of the grocery shopping and cooking, unless you insist on making something yourself; you have a housekeeper that arranges for anything you need—dry cleaning, maintenance. And it’s no wonder that with all of his money, his power, he can just order a retired pro tennis player up to your house, like you’d order a pizza. There’s a tennis court in the back of the mansion, a few feet from the pool. You’ll get some new outfits, the best sneakers, the nicest rackets. You’ll finally have something to do to fill your days. 

Art Donaldson. 

You know his name before the lean, fair-skinned patrician man turns up at your front door. He trails you through the house, politely declines your offer of a beverage. 

“You ever played tennis before?” He asks. 

You haven’t. Before your husband arranged this for you, you hadn’t so much as given the sport more than a passing thought. You don’t have the heart or confidence to tell that to a man that’s made tennis his whole life, so you just give him a small, guilty smile and say no, you haven’t. He nods, waves you off, insists that it’s fine. 

“We’ll start with the basics.” 

-- 

Two months of lessons on the basics make your arms tired, and your hands sore. But where your swings are clumsy and your grip is weak at first, you can see improvement in the way that you move. Your steps are less clumsy when you go after a ball; you’re more aware of the service line and the base line; your forehand stroke from contact to your left shoulder is smoother; your rotation and follow-through on your backhand is coming along, but has a long way to go. 

Art’s instruction is calm and steady. He explains technique as much as he demonstrates it. When you get something wrong, he doesn’t scold, just lightly corrects. When you do something well, his encouragement is constant and free-flowing. Every accurate move and motion is met with, “Nice,” or, “Perfect,” or, “That’s it.” 

On the days when you don’t have a lesson with Art, you practice. You order a tennis ball machine to work on your forehand and backhand. You attempt (and fail) to learn how to slice on your own. You try anyway—you can only imagine the way his eyes might light up if you manage to surprise him. 

You’ve tried to ignore the rising interest that you have in Art, but you can’t help the little…Crush that’s developed. He’s just so attentive, and kind. When you find yourself smiling these days, it’s often because of something that he said, or did. You can’t remember the last time your husband made you feel giddy this way. It was probably when you started dating—before you’d made the decision to marry for comfort, rather than love. Your husband is practical, rarely physically affectionate, more heavily involved in his job and social circles than with you. 

But you’ll have to find a way to thank him. He’s given you a hobby, and a man that grins at you like you just painted the goddamn Mona Lisa when you serve your first ace. 

-- 

“So, tell me about the Mark Rebellato Academy.” 

Art smiles, dipping his head as he reaches for his coffee. It’s taken a few months, but you finally convince him to have something to drink with you after practice. Your chef is blessedly out shopping for ingredients for dinner, so you have the kitchen all to yourself. Art has watched you putter around, seeming surprised that you know where everything is. You can’t blame him; the kitchen is chef-grade, and you don’t cook much these days. 

“Did your husband tell you that’s where I went?” 

“No.” 

“Then how do you know?” 

You’re too embarrassed to admit that you’ve done some googling, and watched a couple of clips of him interviewing before and after his matches. 

“I’ve just heard,” You fib. “Tell me about it?” 

He leans back in his seat, eyes skating across your face as he seems to consider something. 

“What do you wanna know?” 

“Did you enjoy it? I mean—” It feels like a dumb question once it’s out, and you hurry to redirect, “With what you know now, if you had the choice, would you have learned how to play tennis somewhere else?” 

He considers for a moment, trailing his finger over the side of his cup. Your gaze flits to his fingers, and your own flex around your mug handle. You’ve spent far too much time looking at and thinking about Art’s fingers—their length and quickness; the slight roughness of his calloused hands; the lingering tan line from where his wedding band used to sit. 

“Yeah,” He admits, drawing your full attention back to his face. “I would. It was foundational, you know. I’ve been thinking of sending Lily there.” 

“Lily?” 

A bittersweet smile twists his lips. “My daughter.” 

“Oh!” It catches you off-guard.  

“Tashi, uh—” He clears his throat, “Lily’s mother, my ex-wife. She and I are thinking about schools.” 

“I’m sure they’d be glad to have her. Does she play tennis?” 

“Little bit. She didn’t start until last year, but she's a natural.” He clears his throat again, presses, “Are you and your husband planning on having kids?” 

“Oh god no.” You blurt it out, and realize as he raises his brows that you’ve spoken too quickly. You lean back in your seat, stirring your coffee quickly to distract yourself from your growing embarrassment. “He actually has kids already. Two girls, seven and ten. They’re at boarding school and they stay with their mother when they're on vacation. I haven’t gotten to spend much time with them.” 

“...He seems to be pretty busy.” 

“He is.” 

“So it’s just you in this big house?” He tips his head to the side, brows knitting with curiosity. “What do you do all day?” 

“Play tennis.”

He grins, chuckling, and your stomach flips at the sound. 

“It shows, you know,” He says. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I can tell you’re practicing without me. And,” He leans across the table, running his fingers lightly over the exposed skin of your bicep, “You’re getting stronger.” 

You wonder if he can see or feel the goosebumps that break out across your skin at the gentle sweep, his gaze heavy on yours.

“I have a good teacher,” You murmur. Art’s lips twitch with a soft smile, his hand gently cupping your arm. 

“Just good?” He plies. 

“The best. A real pro.” 

His smile widens, and the flash of his tongue sweeping across his lower lip makes your face go hot. You know that you’re caught when Art’s touch becomes firmer, pulling your arm toward him just a little. 

The sound of approaching footsteps startles you, and you hurriedly tug your arm away. The sight of your husband makes your heart leap into your throat. 

“There you are,” He smiles. “Art, how’s she doin’?” 

“She’s killing it.” 

You don’t dare look at him, but you can feel the weight of his attention lingering on you still. You just give your husband a smile, tipping your cheek up obligingly as he leans down to kiss it. 

“Actually, Art,” Your husband straightens up, hands resting on your shoulders. “I’m glad I caught you. There’s a charity event for a local club this month. It’s for uh…What is it?” He squeezes your shoulders for answers, and you have to keep from rolling your eyes. 

“It’s a charity tennis match to raise funds to fix up the local courts. They need resurfacing and they’re raising funding to keep the fees down.” 

“We could use a sponsorship from the foundation,” Your husband adds. 

“Honey,” You glance back, wary of insulting Art. But—

“I’ll do it,” Art agrees. “Send me the details.” 

“Excellent,” Your husband grins. “Maybe we could coax you into a match or two.” 

You don’t chastise him this time—not when you see something light up in Art.

“Maybe.” 

--  

You haven’t seen Art play before. You’ve specifically avoided it. You’ve known that when you saw it, you would be too intimidated to do a damn thing on the court with him. But now, you can’t stop watching him. You don’t even care that you probably look so out of place—where everyone else is watching the ball, you’re just watching him. 

His movements are so neat, so precise. It’s like watching a dance. He’s running the poor guy on the other side of the net up and down the court. And the sounds that he’s making—god. Every little grunt and groan is weaving increasingly filthy thoughts in your mind. You already know that you’ll seek out the memory of those sounds, as you reach between your legs later. His shirt clings to his chest, showcasing the muscles that you’ve always suspected he has. Strands of hair plaster to his forehead as sweat drips over his cheekbones, down the bridge of his nose, over his jaw. 

When he scores a match point and he looks toward the cheering crowd—when his eyes land on you instantly, without having to search—it’s like you’ve been hit by a bolt of lightning. You can’t think, or move. You barely have the focus to applaud, but you manage to raise your hands and clap. 

-- 

Every lesson becomes an exercise in self-control. You force yourself to try, really try, and not make silly mistakes for the sake of Art coming closer, grasping your arm or elbow, pressing close and redirecting your swing. You don’t know what you crave more these days: his praise or his touch. 

Coffee becomes a post-lesson ritual. He starts to stick closer and closer to you as he follows you into the house until he begins to rest his hand on your lower back, guiding you to your door. He keeps nearby when you’re making it, brushes droplets of sweat off of your forehead or neck. Every touch is electrifying; you have to make a concentrated effort to keep your hands steady, your face neutral as your heart pounds and your stomach floods with butterflies. 

He pushes you harder on the court, and you force yourself to meet the level that he sets for you, even when you don’t feel confident in it. But you want to make him proud. 

It spurs you to lunge a little too far. 

The sharp stabbing pain in your left ankle makes you shriek, and you tumble to the ground, dropping the racket with a clatter. You hear the pounding of his feet, glance up just in time to see him clear the net before he’s on the ground at your side. 

“What hurts?” 

“My ankle,” You grit out, hissing softly as he helps you straighten your leg out. He smooths his hands over your calf, leaning over you and gently guiding your foot in a few different directions. You whimper as he starts to guide your foot to the left. 

“Okay, okay,” He soothes, “Let’s get you inside.” 

For as much as you damn the throbbing in your ankle, you thank it a little, too. You lean heavily against Art, making the slow, arduous journey back to the house with his arm wrapped tightly around your middle. 

When your husband comes home, he finds you with on the couch with Art coming back in from the kitchen, an ice pack in your hand. 

You’d hope for concern, but your husband frowns, glances at the swelling knob of your ankle, and simply asks: “What did you do?” 

“She lost her balance.” Art sits down on the other end of the couch, soothing you as the chill of the ice pack makes you shift with discomfort. 

“Are you going to be able to walk tomorrow?” Your husband presses. “We have dinner at the Fineman’s.”

“I'm still going, don't worry about that."

“...Tomorrow might be a bit soon,” Art warns. 

“I’ll be okay. It’s just a sprain, right?” You tip your brows up, hoping, praying that he’ll agree for your sake. His fingers flex around the ice pack, jaw ticking as he clenches it. He doesn’t say a word as your husband sighs heavily, grumbles, “I hope so. Still, we should put a pause on the lessons until she’s fighting fit again.” 

Art finally tears his eyes from yours, a tight smile on his lips. 

“Of course.” 

-- 

“How’s the ankle?” 

It takes you a moment to scrounge up an answer. You can’t believe that he called. You knew that Art had gotten your number when you started taking lessons with him, but he’s never used it beyond texting to confirm a lesson time now and again. 

You look down at the still-swollen flesh as it strains against the thin strap of your slingbacks. 

“Fine,” You lie, “It’s um—” You glance over your shoulder, listening for your husband. “It’s not that bad.” 

“Good enough to walk on?” 

Hardly. 

“Yes.” You think you’ve gotten away with it, but when you hear Art sigh and chastise, “You should rest,” You know that you haven’t.

“I have,” You insist, “All day.” 

“Are you sure you’re alright?” 

“Yes.” 

“You can tell him no, you know.”

Your mouth works wordlessly, body going hot with indignation. You can’t think of a thing to say. You can’t tell him that he’s wrong, that your husband’s connections are the lifeblood of his business. You can’t tell him that if your husband’s business falls apart, you won't be able to afford those tennis lessons, and then how the hell are you supposed to see Art again? 

You just yank your phone away from your ear and hang up. 

-- 

I invited Art. 

It shouldn’t be a surprise, but your husband’s statement makes you feel like you’ve swallowed your tongue. You haven’t seen or spoken to Art in nearly two weeks. Your doctor recommended putting off any physical activity, which your husband surely relayed to him. He was the one whose name was on Art’s checks, after all. 

Your husband has always thrown a massive party to kick off the summer. Every year, 150 of your husband’s closest family, friends, and business associates flooded into the house. It shouldn’t be such a surprise that your husband invited Art after the performance he had given at the fundraiser—$25,000 from the foundation, and ticket sales went through the roof when it had been announced that the Art Donaldson would be making an appearance. Your husband owed Art a lot, and probably saw this as an opportunity for him to network, to take on more clients. He had been evangelizing Art’s training to any of your friends that would listen—how good you are on the court, how engaged and energetic you seem to be these days. 

It’s one thing to know that you’ll have to put on a happy face for the crowd, but to know that Art will be among them makes your insides twist with nerves. You can’t stop thinking about the way that he had spoken to you when you were hurt; his calm, steadying demeanor as he’d gotten you inside; the careful coaxing and gentle touch that he’d used as he’d taken your shoe off and examined your ankle more closely. 

You think about it now, as you strap on another pair of heels. Your ankle really is doing well, though you have a little lingering pain in shoes like these. You’ll likely be on your feet for the length of the party; it’s going to be a long night. You look over yourself in the mirror, self consciously tipping your ankle from side to side for anything that he may spot or catch out. But there’s nothing, you reassure yourself. You slide your hands over the skirt, plastering on a smile as your husband pokes his head into your dressing room. 

“Almost ready in here?” He asks. 

“All set!” 

-- 

He doesn’t come over to you. On the crowded patio, you can feel him watching you—you’ve gotten so used to seeking out the sensation that you can’t ignore it now. The first true look at him is agony. He watches you from just a few feet away, a glass of champagne in hand as he speaks with your husband and the Finemans. He openly looks you over, eyes drifting over your body to the flash of ankle revealed by the slit in your dress. He tips his head to the side just a little, squinting before his eyes flit back up to your face, lips twitching with a small smile. 

You want to hate how good it feels; you want to be angry with him for his smug knowing, his insistence of You can tell him no, you know. But it feels so goddamn good to have his attention again that you can’t bring yourself to be annoyed. You know that you’re staring—that you both are—and you force yourself to turn away and excuse yourself from the conversation you’re in. You go inside, murmuring your thanks for the waitstaff that pass you along the way.

The house isn’t nearly as busy as the patio, and you're able to slip into your darkened study unnoticed. You leave the lights off, certain that if you turn them on, people will be drawn in to bug you, like moths to a flame. The party’s lights and music filter in through the partially-closed blinds. 

You lean against the desk, circling your ankle and wincing a little. You’ll hide for a few minutes, let it rest—

Your breath catches in your throat as the door opens. You expect your husband, ready to scold and usher you back to the guests. 

You only have a second to get a look at Art before he shuts the door behind himself, plunging the room back into darkness. Your fingers tighten around the edge of the desk as you use it to ground yourself. 

“...Do you need something?” You ask, voice wobbling with nerves. 

“Wanted to come say hi.” 

“Well. Hi.” 

You hear him chuckle, his footsteps muted by the carpet. 

“Thanks for the invite.” 

“It wasn’t my idea.” It’s not polite to admit, but you want it to sting him, just a little. Maybe it does; in the dim of the room, you can’t see Art’s expression as he comes to a stop just a couple of feet from you. 

“Do you want me to go?” He asks. You know what you should say, but you can’t bring yourself to say it. 

“No,” You whisper. You feel the heat of him as he comes closer, his hands resting on the desk and caging you in. You bite your lip as gently brushes his nose against yours. 

“He isn’t taking care of you.” 

“My ankle is fine.” 

“I’m not talking about your ankle.” He lifts a hand, smoothing it over your hip as your breath mingles. Art’s fingers drift from your hip to stroke over the apex of your dress’s slit. His fingers slip further down, and you nod as he palms your thigh. Before you can say or do a thing, Art sinks to his knees. He curls his hand around your left calf, lifting it. You shiver as his lips press a gentle kiss to your ankle. His hand and lips travel up, easing the fabric of your dress higher with each second. The first brush of his knuckles against your panty-covered clit makes you jolt. Your hands dig into the wood of the desk as his fingers hook between the fabric and your skin. You lift your hips without a word, allowing him to draw them down. 

Art presses a kiss to your mound before he lowers his head, giving your lips a sweet, sucking kiss. You gasp softly as his tongue swipes across your clit. You look down despite the fact that you can’t see him well. You can just make out his blissful expression, his eyes closed as his laps broadly across your aching cunt. You lower your hand to his neat hair, winding your fingers through it, unable to help grasping it. His heady moan vibrates against you and you nearly cry out at the sensation. You manage to just catch it, the sound dying in your throat as Art buries his tongue inside you. He sweeps his thumb over your clit in rush, harried circles, panting against your heated flesh. You rock your hips down against his lips, tightening your grip on his hair as you guide him. He lets you do as you please, whining against your skin as your movements become less controlled.

“Art,” You warn, “I—Oh, oh god—” 

He hums in encouragement, sucking your clit back between his lips and lashing it with his tongue. Your jaw drops open, your hand shoving Art even more tightly against your skin as you cum suddenly. A stunned, breathy moan slips from your lips as Art leans back, smearing his lips against the inside of your thigh. 

You use your grasp on Art’s hair to draw him back up off of his knees, giving him a crushing kiss as he catches his balance. You swipe your tongue across his lips, whining against his lips as you taste yourself on him. He presses close, his hard cock straining against the fabric of his pants. You reach down, palming and squeezing his length as you trade slick, messy kisses. He steers you back onto the desk as you fumble to undo his belt, button, and zip. 

“Condom?” He asks. 

“Pill,” You reassure, shoving his pants down. You lap broadly across your palm, grasping Art’s length and guiding him closer. He brushes the tip of his cock against your still-throbbing clit, smiling as you whine. You’re going to ache tomorrow, but you’ve never been so happy to be sore.

“Art.” 

“Sssh.” 

“Please—” It’s hardly out of your mouth before he shoves his hips forward, seating himself fully with a single thrust. You bite down on your lip to quiet your moan, curling your arms around your shoulders. He rocks into you with firm, quick strokes, his mouth covering yours. You can hear things on the desk rattling with each thrust, kisses growing less controlled as he hoists your thigh up around his hip. 

“Oh, god,” You breathe, “We have to be quick—He’ll come looking—” 

“Not until you cum for me again,” He urges. “I need to feel it, sweetheart.” 

“Art—” 

“When’s the last time he did this? Hmm?” He presses, “When’s the last time he made you cum? When’s the last time he tasted you?” 

“Never,” You admit with a shiver. It seems to renew Art’s passion, his thrusts and hold growing more intense. You squeeze your eyes shut, hands hooking tightly in the fabric of his jacket. He yanks the front of your dress down, bowing over you and drawing one of your nipples between his lips. You whimper as he toys with the bud, tugging it gently with his teeth before swiping across it. You arch into the slick heat, using your leg to tug him even closer as you chased the swelling curl of your orgasm. 

“Just like that,” You urge, “Ffffuck—yes, yesyesyesyes—”

Your eyes squeeze shut as your hips buck down against his, pussy pulsing as he spills into you. Your heart pounds in your chest as the two of you slow and still. Art rests his forehead heavily against your neck, peppering gentle kisses across the exposed skin. You have to move—now. You don’t know if anyone heard you, but if someone did, you’re screwed. If no one did, your husband will probably be looking for you anyway, ready with a scold for neglecting your hostess duties. 

“...I have to go,” You warn softly. It takes Art a moment to move, but he does, gently drawing himself back from your still-throbbing cunt. You hear the clanking of his belt buckle as he tucks himself away, and you reach down, righting your dress where it’s been pulled away. You take up your panties from where they’d been discarded on the floor, tugging them on before you straighten your skirt and hurry out of the room. 

--  

“Can I see you?” 

It’s only been an hour since the last guest has left, and you are so, so fucking tired. You glance toward the bathroom door. You know that you locked it, and you’re certain that your husband can’t hear you over the shower running, but you can’t help but be paranoid.

“You just saw me,” You remind him. 

“Tomorrow,” Art clarifies. 

“Where?” 

“I’ll send an address.” 

You bite your lip, toying with your earring. Your pussy is still aching from the stretch of him, your ass sore from getting fucked on the desk. 

“...You regret it?” He asks. 

“No,” You don't give your answer a second thought.

“I’ll send an address. Whether or not you see me is up to you. Just…think about it. Okay?” 

“Okay.” 

You lower your phone, hanging it up and watching his contact information blink away. It’s only a moment before a text with an address lights up your phone. You don’t have to think about it. You already know what you’re going to do. 

--  

You know that you’re staring, but you can’t bring yourself to stop. Art has spent so much time in your home, so you feel entitled to look around a little bit. You eye the row of trophies on his mantle, photos of him playing when he was young. You come to a stop at a picture of him with a young girl, a racket in her hand and a medal around her neck. 

“Is this Lily?” You ask. 

“Yeah,” He nods. “First competition.” 

“Already getting gold,” You smile. “The Mark Rebellato Academy isn’t ready for her.” 

Art chuckles, nodding as he steps around you.

“You, uh…You want something to eat, or drink, or…?” He trails off, tucking his hands into his pockets as he takes a couple of steps back toward his kitchen. You turn to face him, taking him in more fully. 

“Art?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Why am I here?” 

He doesn’t answer for a few moments. You can see him weighing his options before he comes closer. 

“I…I’ve been thinking about last night.” 

Fear shoots through you, but you force yourself to stand tall. “Okay.”

“I could lie and tell you that it should be a one-time thing, but I can’t remember the last time I got through a day without thinking about you. And I think you’ve been thinking about me, too.” Art stops as the tip of his shoes brush against yours, and you let your eyes slip closed as he rests his forehead against yours. 

“Tell me I’m wrong,” He pleads. “Tell me to fuck off right now and I will never say another non-tennis related thing to you again.” 

-- 

When he fucks you, he curls close, chest pressing against yours as he catches your lips in a kiss. You sink back against his pillows, your head cradled by his broad palm as he rolls his hips achingly slowly. You don’t bother to hide your whines and moans, and you revel in his. Every grunt and whimper and groan that Art lets out lights you up. 

And when you cum, you don't have to quiet yourself. His name tumbles out of your mouth, cushioned between expletives as your nails dig into his shoulders.

--

"What time is he home tonight?"

You don't want to think about it. You want to stay in this cozy little bubble, trailing your fingers over his muscled chest as he massages your nape and kisses your forehead.

But you know that you'll have to let the world back in sometime.

"I don't know," You admit. "Late."

"...Could stay."

"He'll be suspicious if I'm not home when he gets there."

Art sighs softly, running his hand down to rub between your shoulder blades.

"This isn't going to be easy, is it."

"What?"

"Letting you go every day."

"Every day?" You tease, pushing yourself up to get a better look at him. "Don't get greedy, Mr. Donaldson."

He smiles, raising his hand and cupping your cheek. "Is it greedy to know what I want?"

You shake your head a little, lowering your lips to brush against his.

"Not when I want it, too."

part ii: what we're willing to accept

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[adumbratrapedme]

Toxic!Kageyama headcanons - controlling

common, we all know how lil bro is at court, y'all can NOT tell me he wont be controlling, i definitely headcanon him like this.

Remember, if you enojed this like, follow, share and make a request.

╭⋅“Constant Micromanagement”: Kageyama would DEF. try to control every aspect of your life. From your schedule to your clothes, to your friends and hobbies. He would tell how to dress, and who to spend time with in order to make him happy and less insecure!  ╭⋅ Excessive Jealousy: Any interaction you had with other people, especially men, would be seen as a threat. He would interrogate you about your conversations, check your phone, and forbid you from going out with your friends without him huh. ╭⋅ Demands for Perfection: Just like on the court, Kageyama would expect nothing less than perfection from you in all aspects of your life.Oh and poor you if you didn't meet his expectations, he would make you feel guilty and blame you for your mistakes. ╭⋅ Isolation: He would try so hard to distance you from your family and friends, arguing that they don't understand you or that they are a bad influence. He would make you feel like he is the only person you can trust. ╭⋅ Use of Guilt: He would make you feel guilty for anything you did wrong or for not meeting his expectations. He would make you believe that you are the reason for his problems. ╭⋅ Subtle Threats: He would give you the impression that if you don't do what he wants, you will lose his love.

The sun was pouring in through the window, illuminating the room where Y/N and Kageyama shared a small apartment. Kageyama was sitting on the bed, flipping through a volleyball playbook, while Y/N was getting ready to go out to meet her friends. 

"Kageyama, can I go out with the girls today? We have plans to go to the mall." 

Kageyama looked up from his book, his expression impassive. "And what exactly are you planning to do? Go shopping? Try on clothes? I don't think it's necessary for you to spend money on things you don't need."

 Y/N sighed. "Kageyama, I just want to spend some time with my friends. I'm not going to do anything bad." 

"I'm sure you're not. But you never know what kind of people you might run into out there. Besides, you should be studying for your exams." 

Y/N felt cornered. She knew that arguing with Kageyama was useless. He always had a reason to justify his control. "But I already studied enough yesterday…"

 "A little more won't hurt. And besides, wouldn't you rather spend time with me? We could watch a movie or do something together." he added, Y/N nodded, although she wasn't convinced. She knew that if she refused, Kageyama would get angry and make her feel guilty. 

Later, while Y/N was tidying her room, she found her phone vibrating under the bed. It was a message from one of her friends. Her heart raced as she unlocked it and read the message. It was an invitation to go out that night. 

Without thinking twice, she deleted it. Kageyama entered the room just then. "What were you doing?" Y/N jumped. "Nothing important."

Kageyama walked over to her and took her phone. He examined it carefully, looking for any evidence that she was planning something behind his back.

 "You have nothing to hide, right?" Y/N shook her head, feeling a wave of sadness and frustration. This was just one example of how Kageyama exerted his control over Y/N. Day after day, she felt smaller and less important.

// i was sort of inactive but im back lol, remember rquests open, i wirte normal and dark fanfiction.

[wannaeatramyeon]

hii!!

may i get gun, goo, jake, and vin (maybe taehoon too?) w a s/o who annoys them for fun and loves being around them at all times? thank you!!

(ps you can ignore this if there’s too much rqs 🤍)

How can I say no to all my faves?

With an annoying, clingy!SO - Gun, Goo, Jake, Vin, Taehoon hc

Gun Park

This guy is not short on experience with being someone annoying. After all, his work partner is Goo Kim.

He has mastered the art of finetuning his partner's rambles, and only picking up on the details he has to know. He does not care for a play by play retelling of the latest anime episode or what happened in this week's manga release.

Gun thought that these skills would carry over to you. And he does loathe to think it, but you and Goo have some similarities. However, he often feels the urge to throttle Goo, but he feels none of that with you.

It's endearing. Which is a huge surprise in itself. He doesn't find you annoying, not really, and he actually loves your company.

When it comes to you, he has an unending well of patience to draw from.

Goo Kim

My my, someone is getting a taste of their own medicine and they do not like it.

Seriously, haven't you got anything better to do than annoy him? Can't you run along and find a lil hobby of your own or something.

Goo is used to being the most annoying, clingiest in the room so it takes a while to get used to you.

And when he does - well get used to double trouble! He thinks of you less as an annoying S/O (you can't get enough obvs, and he can't blame you) but more as his partner in crime.

In fact, it's nice to be around someone that's more his speed and matches his vibe.

There will be no peace for anyone that has the misfortune to be around you both.

Jake Kim

Out of all these guys, Jake might be the one that might not be ok with clingier traits. He's a very busy guy. His attention is on Big Deal half the time. Genuinely loves being with you, and can easily be a lot more annoying than you if that's the game you want to play.

However, his overwhelming feelings when he can't spend all his time with you is guilt.... and you really don't want to make Jake feel sad or guilty.

He doesn't have the luxury of being able to spend whenever and however long he wants with you, and he truly does want.

Being annoying though? Good fucking luck. Jake has no shame. If you choose to be annoying, he can outmanoeuvre you in a heartbeat and in the most flamboyant and over the top way.

Vin Jin

Look, Vin is hot shit. You being clingy comes as no surprise. He's the hottest bachelor around so of course you wouldn't want to let go.

Annoying? He can put up with it, as long as you don't embarrass him. He has appearances to keep up, including being the best rapper so make sure you're up to par, mmkay?

Ok - just kidding. If Vin is with you, actually with you, he's pretty ride or die. Otherwise he'll keep you as some filthy little secret pretty much forever or until you've had enough of his bullshit.

He can put on the cool guy facade all he likes (and 'cool' is a reach) but he forever loves how much you're all over him, the attention you pay him. Despite any of his words or evidence to the contrary.

Seong Taehoon

Taehoon will tell you you're cringe, to piss off, cut it out. He only half means it. Although catch him waking up on the wrong side of bed then he will be serious.

Doesn't really deal that well with how annoying you are, especially if there's an undercurrent of sincerity and affection. It makes his head hurt and heartache, in a good way.

He doesn't exactly return your annoying traits like for like, but who are we kidding, this guy is bitchy and a dickhead in his own way. But the fact he puts up with you, and lets you get away with how you are at all speaks volumes.

Clinginess he surprisingly loves from a practicality point of view. If you're by his side all the time, there's no need to worry about what sort of nonsense you're getting up to and it's easier to protect and look after you when you're within arm's reach.

[sorrinslays]

More about the Belobog Roleswap AU

So, I decided to make this post because of @lesbianbootheng. Specifically, their reblog right here:

#hsr#role swap au#op i hope u know much i enjoy those aus and the fact u made one is So Cool to me#pls tell me u have more ideas bc dude? i’d love to hear em#and i hope ur comfy w/ me adding some ideas myself bc this sounds soo fucking cool dude like wtf#love the idea of clara and hook being assistants to the silvermane guards that’s so cool <3 it fits them surprisingly well#ALSO THE FUCKING NERD PELA BEING PART OF THE FIGBT CLUB?? idk that’s so funny to me idk why LMFAO#oleg being luka’s father is rlly cute i love that <3 my HEARTT#also svorg being slowly being aaprt of the landau family by serval fixing him and they start to consider each other as the other loved ones#serval is still a musician i hope she’d just be one of those underground artists (literally haha)#also love the fact cocolia/serval r a thing in this au that makes me so happy u don’t understand :3#their yuri is NOT doomed after all :3#also… bc this is a roleswap au imagine bronya as the new supreme guardian… can u see it?#how do u think she’d act as leader?#sampo + bronya would DEF need to reign her in haha#also. do u think geppie sees sampo interacting w/ hook/clara & thinks of lynx & wants to sob when he’s separated#bc I DO. i so fucking do

So here's some more insight on the lives of the characters!

Gepard

He has this rule he set for himself that he doesn't steal from the less fortunate, guards and children. Those he does frequently steal from are nobles and since he used to be one (technically still is) he knows the obsolete worst ones. Sometimes, when he learns something particularly bad, he leaves an "anonymous" tip in Sampo's office.

He tried to grow a side business out of selling flowers. Since he's not a guard he has way more time to actually engage in his hobby, unlike his OG counterpart, he can actually keep a plant alive. However the business sadly didn't end up working out.

He does have "disguises" so he can get groceries without being chased around, although they are all kind of terrible. He doesn't know jackshit about makeup so he relies on hiding his face instead (hats, masks, sunglasses and the like). Almost all of Belobog knows this but they just kinda don't bother him cause the disguise is so bad it's sad.

Whenever Clara and Hook see Gepard in his "disguise" they try to get Sampo to arrest him cause "it's literally the guy you chase everyday, he's right here, just get him!!!!!" only for Sampo to pretend not to recognize him. Gepard goes through all five stages of grief whenever this happens.

He has accidently bumped into Luka sneaking into the restricted zone on numerous occasions and both kept it secret. They have even fought together in secret.

There are rumours of the "Phantom Shielder" amongst the guards, which is just Gepard. He keeps trying to help in the snow plains, since he feels guilty for adding to the workload of the guards by committing crimes. He believes it to the least he could do.

He is a supplier of automaton parts and the like for Oleg. Luka has a sneaking suspicion that's the case but since it's Gepard's most legitimate business venture, he doesn't bother reporting it. Oleg is, like, the closest thing Gepard has to a father figure.

Sampo

As the Captain, he rarely has time to relax alone and anytime he does have the time he spends it in the far away snow plains looking for medicine for Cocolia. He sneaks away when he's supposed to be doing paperwork. Or he "loses track of time and stays on patrol for longer periods".

He has made deals with pharmacists all around Belobog, asking for "defect medicine" that cannot be sold to the public (because of such things as a wrongly colored bottle, wrong print, a small cracks etc.). Basically, he collects it without telling the pharmacists where it actually goes. They don't really question him and he brings it to Cocolia.

He has a house near the restricted zone, not because he wants to be "closer to the actions" as he tells people, but so that he can have more alone time. You need a good reason to be anywhere near the restricted zone or you have to sneak in, so his apartment is like a safe haven to him.

He doesn't have any tells when lying, contrary to popular belief. He has fake ones that he uses to trick Natasha. She believes him to be a bad liar because of this.

Anytime he has free time (which is not all that often) he is surrounded by children anywhere he goes. If you hear manic giggling across the streets you know Sampo has a day off. He will have at least two kids around him at all times and the parents have to practically peel them away from him.

Sometimes, whenever he spots Hook bothering Gepard while he's "in his disguise" he walks over and chats with Gepard just to fuck with him. It's incredibly entertaining watching the poor guy squirm as his voice cracks in ten different ways.

He actually knows if Luka sneaked in and disguised himself as a guard because there's a standard hair length soldiers in the restricted zone have to have that Luka does not follow. He never mentions it, just let's him do whatever since he believes Luka to be capable enough. He does like ordering him around just to fuck with him, seeing Luka flinch and do anything without making a sound or "deepening his voice" so that Sampo "doesn't recognize him" is very funny to him.

Luka

As much as he hates paperwork, he's infuriatingly good at it. So he's probably staying an intelligence officer for a long while. Seele told him as much after a meeting with Natasha. He had begged Seele to bring up his situation, arguing that he's healed now and can go back to the front lines. Seele, true to her word, did mention him, but Natasha shout down any conversation about him, stating he's "too useful as an intelligence officer".

He used to have a small crush on Sampo. He was impressed by his fighting and was asking the Captain for a spar for weeks before the other agreed. It's still unknown if he still harbors that crush. The crush doesn't necessary have to romantic, it's honestly up for interpretation.

He attends every funeral, celebration and memorial held in honor of the Silvermane Guards. It's based on respect but also a little bit of guilt on his part. He believes that if he hadn't lost his arm, he would've still been in the front lines and he could've stopped some of the death that happened in the snow plains.

Whenever he is cooped up in his office for long periods of times, Clara and Hook are tasked (by Sampo, as their "superior") to get him out. Usually, they steal an important document and have him chase them all over the city. By the time he gets back, the day is over and he is ordered to go home and rest.

During his days off, he helps Oleg around the workshop. Oleg has tried to reassure Luka many times before that he doesn't need to keep helping, although all of them were in vain.

He has tried getting new hobbies to distract himself, and one that he enjoyed more than he thought he would was crocheting and knitting. He made matching scarfs for Clara and Hook and Seele called him a granny. He challenged her to a spar after that (he lost).

Whenever Luka and Gepard sneak into the snow plains together, they get into "competitions". Basically, they try to kill more fragmentum than the other. Usually, it's a tie or one of them winning by a small precent (like one or two more kills).

Natasha

Just like every other Supreme Guardian, she graduated in history. Although that's the case, she was always fascinated by human biology and the structure of the human body. She became even more interested after she met a man by the name of Vache, who told her he wanted to make a medicine specifically for people to be able to survive the bitter cold. After Cocolia banished Vache to the snow plains, Natasha brought him to Qlipoth Fort. He is still alive, even after the Astral Express' visit.

She really likes teddy bears, they used to be the only emotional support she had back when she was first selected to be the future Supreme Guardian. She had shared this information with Oleg, and since they used to be very close back in the academy, a lot of her stuffed toys were left at Oleg's place. So their absence during the Stellaron's manipulation helped her spiral quicker.

Vache lives in the lab of Qlipoth Fort and he is, basically, Stellaron 2.0. Since he also believes the Stellaron, he tries to pressure Natasha into following its plan. Natasha, isolated from any actually healthy influences, gives in and soon orders that result in more deaths than victories follow.

She and Oleg used to be very close, to the point that they even grew flowers together and used to babysit children together as a way to gain a little something something on the side. Whenever Luka reports to her, she asks about Oleg and how he's doing, every time she asks she has a wishful expression on her face.

Natasha was actually very suspicious of Sampo in the beginning, after all, before he joined the Silvermane Guards she hasn't heard a thing about him. She remained suspicious of him even after years, until the end of the Belobog arc. When he first made waves, she researched every little thing about him.

Oleg adopted Luka after his break up with Natasha, so when she first saw his last name she cried. She genuinely thought that she had missed a wedding or something.

Doctor handwriting. Even in another universe she couldn't escape the illegible doctor handwriting curse.

Seele

Used to go to the same elementary, middle and high school together with Luka. He was just a year or two younger than her. As a kid, she used to think he was okay, then during middle school she found him annoying and now it's a mix of two. However, he's probably the closest thing she has to a best friend and it's the person she trusts the most outside of Natasha.

She focuses a lot of her combat abilities. Since Natasha doesn't let her go on too many missions and she's not aware she's supposed to be the next Supreme Guardian (she is under the impression that she is just Natasha's adopted daughter) she doesn't think about the political situation or strategies all that much. She much prefers fighting the fragmentum.

Although technically she has a higher position than Sampo, whenever she gets overzealous during training or pushes herself too hard, she'll "be put in time out" by Sampo. Basically, she will be training and Hook and Clara pop out of nowhere, telling her how it's "time for a break, or else Sampo will put you in time out". She always tries to get out of it because she finds it stupid, but honestly dealing with Hook and Clara is a challenge in it of itself, so, unfortunately for her, Sampo's tactic works annoyingly well.

At first, she was struggling a lot in school, specifically with writing. When Natasha first caught wind of this, she sat down with Seele and they spent a whole evening just writing and Natasha helping Seele with school work.

For almost her whole life, Natasha and Oleg were together, so when Natasha turned distant and they broke up, she basically lost her parent. She visits Oleg's workshop every now and then, but they definitely aren't as close as they used to be. Now, unfortunately for her, the closest thing she has in her life that actively acts like a father figure is Sampo.

She regularly makes bets with soldiers in the front lines. Like, "oh, I bet Kyle can't headshot five fragmentum in a row". In general she is very friendly with them. Natasha is not a fan of that.

Luka asks her for a spar session almost any time he sees her. While it "annoys" her, she find comfort in the fact that she can tell him mood easily like that. She knows that if he's just fired up he gonna ask one or two times and if he feels bad for whatever reason, he's gonna be more persuasive.

Oleg

To him, the Neverwinter workshop was something that would've happened one way or another. He always knew that at some point he would own a workshop, however, what he didn't expect was how soon it would happen. He imagined opening it in his late forties - early fifties after passing his Stellaron research to a younger researcher. He never expected to have the nasty break up with Natasha and getting kicked out of the Silvermanes like that.

A side hobby he picked up after losing his job as a researcher was sketching. Whenever the workshop goes through a slow period with no customers or any work to do, people can find him outside, sketching whatever he sees.

When Luka lost his arm, he was devastated. He was so scared for his son he soot out Natasha, asking if she can find a better position for Luka that doesn't endanger him so much. Although he feels guilty for taking the choice from Luka, he also prefers feeling guilty with a son than feeling guilty without a son.

Back when Luka used to be in the frontlines, he wanted to meet his superior (Sampo) just to be sure that the Captain was capable. His first impression of Sampo wasn't a positive one, but after hearing about his achievements in battle, anecdotes from other guards, seeing Luka's admiration of him and seeing him around the street playing with the kids, he backed off.

He still misses Seele, even though technically she's not his kid. Even though that's the case, he still makes sure to prepare birthday gifts for her and congratulate her on any achievements.

He teaches Hook and Clara the basics of engineering. Every week he dedicates two hours for them. It's actually one of his favorite past times cause it livens up the place and reminds him of back when Luka and Seele used to be kids.

He still thinks about his research, specifically the Stellaron. He really wants to continue studying it and oftentimes thinks about it. He has a lot of theories about it but can't test any of them out.

Cocolia

She met Serval when the Landaus first moved to the Underground. While all the siblings have a positive opinion of her and they generally get along well, she and Serval clicked almost instantly. Serval helped her a lot with the orphanage, then with the clinic and finally with Wildfire.

Even though the Underground's atmosphere is pretty depressing, Cocolia tries her best make it more homey, warm and, in general, uplift the people. There's a reason why the people of the Underworld trust her with more than just medical issues.

One of her attempts to make the Underworld more welcoming was plants. Although most of them require sunlight, she got Sampo to look for ones that can survive without it. And just like that the Underworld is full of plants (as much as it can be). Unfortunately not all parts of the Underworld have a flourishing flora, the unlivable parts (thanks to the fragmentum) don't have any.

While she is a doctor and a healer is general, if it comes down to it, she can hold her own in battle. She uses a bass guitar when fighting, the one that in the original Serval broke during her companion quest.

She and Bronya have a very strong bond. They spend hours talking about different ways to optimize Wildfire. Serval helps with that too, either as the face of Wildfire or by suggesting ways to update equipment or create new weapons. Whenever Sampo is present, his input is asked as well, although he mostly helps with strategizing and ways to get rid of the fragmentum.

The hardest choice she had to make was exile Vache. She was conscious of his downward spiral when he started obsessing over blizzard immunity but the human experimentation was kept a secret from her until Lynx mentioned hearing something about it. Needless to say when she found out she was heartbroken.

She is well liked by all the children, and she always has some sort of candy on her desk. It's either for children who are being treated or, at the end of each day, the most behaved kid gets two.

Bronya

Although she didn't go to school, she knows the basics thanks to Cocolia and Serval. So now, her favorite hobby is reading. She has read as many books as she could get her hands on. Anytime she sees Sampo, she asks him to deliver her a book or two.

While she is part of Wildfire and she does fight against the fragmentum under Serval's command, whenever fragmentum activity is low, she is seen helping around Cocolia's clinic. While is mostly acts as a nurse following Cocolia's orders, she is still very skilled, to the point that other nurses sometimes call her "Cocolia 2.0".

She has learned the basics of engineering from Serval. It's a skill that comes in handy more often than not, from fixing up children's toys to helping fix equipment that was broken by the fragmentum.

The kids love her too. Whenever they get into trouble the first person they go to is Bronya due to her "not being an adult" (she is, she is just the youngest one working in the clinic so they assume she's still a teenager).

She has heard a lot about Gepard, but she has never actually met him since she wasn't adopted back when the Underworld and Overworld weren't separated. Despite this, she feels as if she had known him forever because of how often Serval and Lynx mention him. As if he's still here, with them.

She and Pela are good friends. Thanks to her, Bronya got into the Tales of the Winterlands. That series got her to wish to one day go to the topside and see the snow plains for herself. It's a wish she holds close to her heart.

She is close to Lynx as well, they spend a lot of time together due to her being the little sister of Serval. The two of them started reading Tales of the Winterlands together thanks to Pela and both of them loved it. They have spent hours talking about what they want to do in the Overworld.

Pela

She is a very important part of Wildfire not only because of her strength but also because of her great investigation skills and data collection. Thanks to her, Wildfire is not only able to catch troublemakers but also because she could predict future fragmentum activity based on the data she managed to collect.

She was the one who investigated Vache when Cocolia first heard of the rumours. She had come to Pela as a friend, asking for help, not as part of Wildfire. Pela accepted to look into it for free, and gave it her all. Let's just say the investigation wasn't all that pleasant.

She has created a fake identity that she uses to bet on herself. She is very strategic about it too. If she wins too many bets, she makes sure to stage a few loses to keep the attention away from her fake identity. She has made bank with that strategy.

Moreover, the reason she is still technically in debt is because the person she owes to is in the Overworld, so she had no way to reach him and she can't ask Sampo for help. She has a small box in her apartment that is the payment to her debt. She's not sure if there's any extra payment due to being late (although it's not really her fault) but just in case she keeps some extra shield.

Her closest friend is Lynx, they hang out together anytime Lynx isn't with Svarog. There's moments were they don't talk, Lynx just shows her picture as they cuddle on Pela's sofa and that's probably their favorite activity. However, anytime Lynx is in a talkative mood, the two of them theorize on what Gepard is doing in the Overworld.

She preforms in Mechanical Fever with Serval. It's a way for her to gain an additional income while hanging out with her friends (Serval, Lynx and sometimes Cocolia (when she's not busy with Wildfire and the clinic, which is pretty rare)). She is a drummer, her drumsticks are handmade and very sturdy (build by Serval) and she uses them when fighting as well.

She participates in a lot of food completions (like eating all 5 crabs that are in the game), but her favorites are the ones with spicy food. She and Serval were the ones with the biggest rivalry in a spice tolerance competition.

Serval

When she and her siblings first moved into the Underworld, they could only afford a one-bedroom apartment. She and Lynx shared the bedroom and Gepard slept in the living room. Soon, after Cocolia formed Wildfire, Serval go the opportunity to move. Now, she lives with Cocolia in a four-bedroom apartment, one for her and Cocolia, two bedrooms for Lynx and Bronya and the last one for Gepard.

While she is part of Wildfire, she also has her own "workshop" which is just her "experimentations" on automatons. She wants to create truly sturdy ones that can handle the fragmentum so that people don't have to risk their lives (and to also win in automaton fights shhh!!!!!).

While she doesn't like Svarog, she still helps him fix up a few things here and there, although she doesn't approve of the way they run their part of the Underworld she understands that he is an important ally. Plus, she gets access to better tools/materials.

She is still the lead singer/guitarist in Mechanical Fever. Most of her songs are about hope and a brighter future, it's her way of helping uplift the people of the Underworld. She is the most popular artist in the Underworld because of this.

When Sampo first arrived to the Underworld, she asked him about Gepard. More specifically, how he's been, if Sampo knows anything about him (whereabouts, health and the like). While he answered her questions, she asked if he could bring Gepard down, but he said "not yet". He did give her other reasons as well, but the "not yet" stuck with her.

Whenever Bronya and her go for patrols or missions together, they just talk. Like, they do get the work down, but they have insanely good coordination skills and synergy together that it's a breeze for them so it works more as a bonding moment rather than work.

The one taking care of most plants in the Underworld is Serval because they remind her a lot of Gepard and his love for plant life. On especially lonely nights she imagines his reaction to seeing how much the Underworld has changed since last time he was there.

Lynx

The reason Lynx got so attached to Svarog was because he possessed a lot of knowledge about the outside world and he could answer a lot of her questions. He once even showed her a projection of how the aurora looks back in the snow plains.

Before meeting Svarog she had tried to go to the surface to, one, find Gepard and, two, to see the Overworld once more. She went pretty far, but she couldn't unlock the Furnace Core, so she had to leave before Svarog found her.

She once confided in Pela that she doesn't remember Gepard's face, that it's very blurry for her and that she feels very guilty about it. She is frustrated because she does care about him and Serval always gets a sad distant look when he's brought up, but whenever she is trying to imagine the three of the reuniting, she can't picture it.

She has tried reasoning with Svarog on multiple occasions, but the robot never changes his mind. She still hasn't lost hope whatsoever. After all, her dream, aside from reuniting with Gepard, is to visit the snow plains.

She knows basic engineering thanks to both Serval and Svarog. Although she is not very interested in it. She prefers learning about the outside world much more, but it's useful information so she doesn't argue.

Whenever she wants to get a few extra shield, she goes to the fight club to bet on Pela. If she is not participating, she follows Pela's betting advice. She almost always wins, but that's because she doesn't visit the club that often.

When she met Sampo, she had asked for pictures of the snow plains, since she learned he fights the fragmentum there. He obliged and now she has a whole pin board dedicated to those pictures in her room.

Hook and Clara

The two of them are a very big deal in their school. They brag that THE Captain of the Silvermane Guards has them as "assistants". At first, the other kids didn't believe them when Hook said that they work for Sampo until he comes pick them up from school one day (Fersman was busy).

While the two of them have their separate bedrooms, every night they have "sleepovers" which is basically them sleeping together in each other's bedrooms. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays they sleep in Hook's room and on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays they sleep in Clara's room. On Sundays they play rock paper scissors to decide where the sleepover will be.

Seele had to explain to them on multiple occasions that they are not official Silvermane Guards. Hook refuses to listen and Clara is just confused. Both insist that they are cause "uncle Sampo told us we are under his command!!!!!!!!! You're just jealous your boss isn't as cool as ours!!!!!"

While they get a lot out of following Sampo's orders, they are still not allowed in the restricted zone. They don't get it, and Sampo dances around the issue, ordering them to do things outside it like bringing lunch to Luka or something.

Both of them are really scared of Natasha. They've seen her once or twice in public appearances and whenever they bumped into her in Qlipoth Fort, and while at first she seems nice, something about her scares them. Most of the time whenever they see her they run to hide either behind Sampo or Fersman or Luka.

Once, Sampo had an infiltration mission but Hook and Clara kept wanting to hang out with them. Sampo noticed Gepard in his terrible disguise and told them to follow him. They ended up pestering Gepard all day instead.

Anytime there's a disagreement between them they solve it with a game of rock paper scissors. Even when doing homework. If one of them got a 7 as an answer while the other got a 100 they play rock paper scissors and list the answer as whatever the winner got.

[yskluvr39]

what sort of dates each phantom thief would like

— ## haru okumura/ryuji sakamoto (5), futaba sakura/yusuke kitagawa (3), ann takamaki/shiho suzui (4), makoto nijima/ren amamiya (5), akechi (3), yoshizawa (2), morgana (3)

anon asks: male reader taking their on a date with their phantom thief s/o‼️‼️(what type of date they would like yk)👨‍❤‍💋‍👨Or the phantom thieves reaction to the reader awakening their persona

A/N: this request was made before i decided to no longer take x reader requests !! sorry for not fulfilling the original request, but i hope you still like it anyway anon~ this is my first time writing for shumako so hopefully i did it some justice ＞︿＜ (ps the links are to my favorite fics about the pairing ! feel free to share your favorites in the comments/reblogs ♪)

!! persona 5 royal spoilers !!

Haru & Ryuji (213 words)

Haru's favorite dates are gym dates; she loves to work out, and getting to hang out with Ryuji is always an added bonus. Ryuji is the one who introduced her to the gym she frequents. Sometimes they run into each other there without having coordinated beforehand and end up spotting each other.

Ryuji never says no to a good gym date, but he always likes unwinding afterwards with a hot bowl of ramen. Haru prefers casual dinner dates instead of the stuffy, high-end, dinners that she's used to.

For special occasions, Haru goes all out and spends exorbitant amounts of money to spoil Ryuji. She likes to be able to use her money for something good—making her boyfriend (& friends) happy.

Ryuji always feels a little guilty accepting such expensive gifts or trips, so he tries to make it up to Haru with unforgettable experiences. He usually spends a lot of time coming up with ideas: Haru cherishes every moment.

Ryuji gets into gardening for Haru; he wanted to be able to understand her green thumb lingo. He keeps a small planter by his window now; while Haru prefers to grow food, Ryuji finds that he likes to grow flowers. Haru and Ryuji's mom are more than happy to receive them as gifts.

Futaba & Yusuke (172 words)

Futaba's ideal date is a quiet night. Yusuke's ideal date varies; he likes to go out with Futaba to various places in order to gain inspiration. This leads to them usually watching movies. Yusuke and Futaba are on a mission to find the strangest movie ever.

Yusuke isn't necessarily a home-body like Futaba is, but both of them have a tendency to spend time indoors rather than outdoors. Thusly, they've decided that, for both their vitamin D levels, that they'll take one day out of the week to dedicate to a nature walk; most of the time this involves them going to the Kosei botanical gardens—Futaba appreciates the quiet and Yusuke appreciates the scenery—but they do, on occasion, go to other places.

In the rare cases they go somewhere special for a date, Futaba likes to plan in advance. As Futaba gets more comfortable going, they need less time to plan; however, she always makes sure to check the weather. Regardless of the forecast, she always makes sure they bring an umbrella.

Ann & Shiho (218 words)

Shiho loves scrapbooking: it's one of her favorite hobbies and it has the added bonus of being able to make spreads of her girlfriend's latest shoot. It makes Ann a little embarrassed, but mostly happy; they make it a habit to always pick up a new magazine whenever they go to the mall together.

Ann loves going shopping with Shiho: walking around with Shiho, just getting to be normal teenagers and trying on cute clothes—that's the ideal date to her. Now, more than ever, she values her time with Shiho.

Shiho finds it just a little annoying that Ann is so willing to drop everything just to go out with Shiho: she wants to go on a date and spend quality time with her girlfriend—not feel guilty for making Ann reschedule a shoot!

Once they go long-distance, Shiho and Ann usually call during meals; it can be a little hard to coordinate during different time zones, but they like to be able to have a meal together. Shiho and Ann work on a list of activities and places to go once Ann comes back to Japan during these calls. In the case that they can't call over a meal, Shiho and Ann send each other pictures of their meals. Shiho develops an interest in photography because of it.

Makoto & Ren (190 words)

Ren likes to take Makoto out to try new things: strange foods, thrill rides, new arcade games—he likes to get Makoto out of her comfort zone and see all new sides of her.

Makoto enjoys reading with Ren: they read mystery novels together and try to solve them.

Once they go long distance, Ren and Makoto do sleep calls.

Makoto adores inviting Ren over to her apartment; she likes getting to be domestic with Ren—getting to go grocery shopping, picking out plates and furniture—the mere idea of a peaceful forever with Ren is what her favorite "dates" are. But grocery shopping isn't really a date.

Ren had an incredibly brief stint upon returning home where he got really into exploring abandoned buildings. Morgana and Makoto talked him out of that one real quick, but Ren managed to take her somewhere abandoned at least once; Makoto was scared witless and Ren was far too enthusiastic about the whole thing, but they still both manged to have fun. Not enough to do it again, though: Makoto would much rather just use a horror movie as an excuse to cling to her boyfriend.

Goro Akechi (35 words)

He doesn't really think about romance.

When asked in an interview, Akechi had said that it wouldn't really matter where he went as long as it was with someone precious to him.

That's probably true.

Sumire Yoshizawa (88 words)

She daydreams about shoujo manga situations: she adores the concept of a meet cute. Whenever she gets the time to pick up manga from the store, she thinks about brushing hands with that special someone and meeting their eyes—sparks flying from just a first encounter.

If she had to pick her favorite trope, it would have to be caring for someone while they're sick. Unfortunately, Sumire's gymnastics make her wary of getting sick, but maybe one day she'll be able to fulfill that fantasy of being doted upon.

Morgana (40 words)

Sushi and Ann would probably send him straight to heaven.

Once he accepts that he's a cat, he mostly just dreams of sushi now.

He asked Ren if he should try to find a cat wife. Ren suggested neutering him.

[obsidianpen]

I ADORE YOU

Weres my vape boo?

Saying spend too much time who?

You’re best mom, whoo!

Um u don’t have to post this but I just wanted to say I grew up with a stay at home mom and it was the greatest thing in the world. My mom had four kids in 6 years and somehow found time to watch the sopranos full series. And I wish she had more time! Like she was the hardest working most beautiful women ever and all I wish now that I’m an adult is that she had more fun because I got enough of her. Not that I’m upset I had sm time with her bc she was the bestest part of my childhood but every mom deserves time for themselves. I love my dad and he worked so hard to supply the family with money. But my mom worked tiredlessly to make sure that money was enough for medical care, food, home needs, school, etc. She made sure every dime was well spent while when she asked by dad to go get food he’d pick up 6 Pringle cans and a bag of onions. She is an extremely talented women who during her middle 40s stopped realizing that (she was also in the art field). Idk that one commenter really made me be like wtf (no hate i think they meant well) Because pls pls pls never loose ur love for writing. Not even for my own benefit, but bc I love woman who are dedicated to their interests. Because moms are the hardest working most important individuals (you are literally creating and then raising the next generation) and because moms deserve to have a life outside of their kids and husbands. I think moms are the most important people in society and I’m proud of anyone who can just call themselves a mom.

Sorry for the rants, you don’t need to respond I just wanted to say I love my mommy despite all her faults. Girl idk your faults but u seem like a good person which makes you a good mom and kids r so resilient. I don’t remember anything other than the fact that my mom tried. And that’s what’s most important. If moms loose sight of their interests (which happened to my mom), when their kids are older, they won’t know what to do with themselves. Normalize women not becoming an extension of their husband (not that I would ever suggest this happened to you but I just think it happens too often) Again sorry for the rant, I just hate the way society views women as baby carriers and nothing else. WOMAN DESERVE HOBBIES! So never ever ever feel bad about taking time to write. My sibilings and I always encourage our mom to draw and express herself and wished she did it more.

well this was an interesting rant/post!

To be clear, and i know you weren’t saying this was true of me, but it should be said - I have never once viewed myself as an extension of my husband, so no worries there, lol. As for being a stay at home mom… I did go back to work nearly full time for a bit, and it was rough. We moved across the country so he could take a job so I could be home with Bebe. It was a choice we both agreed on. I personally love being home with him. This is a season of life; I’m basking in it.

I’ve never felt guilty for taking time to write. Granted, i do it almost exclusively when he’s asleep, but still.

I think some reframing can be helpful. I don’t view myself as an extension of anyone, but at this stage in his life, I sort of view my Bebe as an extension of me, if anything. He’s still so young that he needs me 24/7 (even when he playing independently, can’t take your eyes off these guys for a mo). And that’s fine. Bebes are only bebes once. I don’t know any parent who’s ever looked back and said, gosh I wish I would have spent less time being present with my kiddos when they were young!

I’m also not someone who would ever have to worry about ‘what to do with myself’ when my kid gets older. I have plenty of ‘hobbies’ and look forward to being able to pick things like glass up again. However. I would wager that any mom/parent etc that finds themself at a loss for what to do with their time later in life got that way because hobbies were a luxury they could not afford to have while doing all the child rearing and domestic labor and perhaps also working a job job. Yes, women - and everyone - deserve to have hobbies. But no one needs to be guilted for not being able to maintain them in a society as demanding as ours when you are simply trying to be a good parent and make ends meet. You say you ‘encouraged (I assume this was meant to be past tense, as in during your childhood as well) her to draw more.’ I might be making some unfair assumptions here, but maybe she could have if someone else was helping her? Encouragement does not do the dishes, clean the house, do the laundry, make the meals, get the groceries, take the kids from here to there, run the errands, blah, blah, blah, blah. I’m sorry but I really disliked the way that was worded! It implied that if was your moms fault for not keeping up with drawing, despite being ‘encouraged.’ I bet she wishes she could have done it more too, but I also bet that when she had to make the choice between ‘get shit done’ or ‘quality time with kids’ or ‘draw’, she chose option one or two most of the time.

as for me, I love drawing too, and I can’t WAIT until my kid can draw. Some of my fondest memories with my dad were when we had ‘drawing contests’ and would sit and draw the same thing together, sometimes for hours (strangely, I always ‘won’). My dad was no artist mind, but it was fun, and it’s where I started to learn to really look at things. I’m super excited to be able to teach my kid how to draw when he’s young. This Bebe is going to know how to cross hatch and shade with charcoal before kindergarten haha!

So I guess I’ve just responded to your rant with some ranting of my own! Sorry if I’m super off base with any of my comments. I think we should normalize letting moms - and all parents - make the choices they want to make that’s best for them and their family.

[aichi-division]

Issey's Memoirs

Narrated by Issey Nishizawa

Hello, Mr. Reader. I am Issey Nishizawa, your faithful writer. I have a lot of ideas and a lot to tell, but Eiji told me not to go too far because, you know, it would take forever.

What do you want to know about me? My hobbies? My childhood? My travels? I don't know where to start. My family is from here, Aichi prefecture. I have two younger brothers and an older brother, who went to live in Switzerland. My father has a small business and my mother is a homeowner.

My relationship with my family is nice, well, I can't really complain. Even though I don't see them very often, I know they love me and I love them back.

But let's not talk about that, huh? Let's talk about MY FRIENDS !!!!

My best friend is Eiji. He is my soulmate. I met him three years ago. The guy HAS A VIBE! As soon as I saw him, I said: HE'S PERFECT! I don't know, it was a heart thing, you know? I saw him and I knew he would have a great talent. It was a hope, an oasis in the desert, because I had been wanting to put together a team for a while. Have you seen his eyes? They glow as if they were from a toxic chemical. It's mesmerizing. Well, I think I went off topic, but, shit, I had to chase him for a whole afternoon to get him to say something other than "fuck you".

I can make you a list of why I think Eiji is the COOLEST guy to ever walk this earth (along with Tetsuya).

Dresses great

Speaks perfect English

He is a very good composer

When he laughs, it seems as if the world stands still

He is loyal, sarcastic and quite observant.

I like spending time with him. We always talk about music, USA stuff, and many other topics. Well, he's really more of a listening guy, you know? I really like his voice, it's very calm.

Shouta is also my best friend. Yes, he's quite a bit older than me, but his mind is like a teenager's sometimes. Have you ever seen his graffiti? I think it's something he hasn't openly shown but they ARE AMAZING. He has something with art that is much deeper and higher than any other connection he has.

He is very talented and even though he has drug problems, since joining our team, he has worked very hard to rehabilitate himself. I don't think he sees it, but he really has an incredible talent in music.

I also like that he's a jerk, I mean, in a good way. He makes stupid jokes just like me. Have you seen Gravity Falls? He has more or less Stanley's personality haha I like that show, my favorite character is Mabel. I think I'm like her in many ways. Ah but I went off topic again, sorry-

Shouta is a person I can really rely on for everything. He always tries to give us his wisdom and help us, even when he needs more help than us. He is like a father…

Ujum… but hey. Did I ever tell you about the time Shouta took Eiji and I out for ice cream and ran into his ex? HIS EX WAS THE SALESMAN. It was very awkward and funny, because the guy looked really angry and Shouta was so nervous that he looked like he was going to faint.

Ah, I don't know if I told you that Shouta really likes k-pop. Sometimes I catch him dancing to some choreos alone, when he thinks no one is watching. It's very funny, he does it horribly. Although sometimes he gets it really good, especially the hip steps or something like that.

(He really likes Taemin or something like that)

And I don't know if I told you about his brother, who is the opposite of him. We met him once, he looked like an idol, he was extremely handsome and very good in-

I think I'm going too far again.

Well, Shouta has a lot of positive things, that's why I made him the leader. Sometimes I feel guilty, like, he really tries to do the best he can and I think he feels pressured. I don't like that.

I have another friend, who we usually talk online. His name is Marco, he is a CEO, he works in Sumida. We met because we played Call of Duty together. He is very talented. And he has a great voice. I like that guy.

I'm running out of space so I'll make a list of things that I like:

My favorite rappers are the Wu Tang Clan, Dr Dre and EMINEM.

My fav icecream is Vainilla and Strawberry.

I like meeting new people

I like to play a lot of video games

Tetsuya is a really cool guy, he looks like he's going to break everyone's nose: COOL

Puppies are my favorite animals

Uh... UH... THANK YOU FOR READING THIS!!!!! LOVE YOU ALL

[zegrvshvghes]

Missing your love- AF19

God i love Adam so much, also bully me please. Tell me everything wrong with this i want feedback. I love this stupid little canadian.

check out my masterlist for more 💌

Adam fell madly in love with you. You two met when you were both in college and hit it off right away. You spent all your time together, laughing and exploring the city. Adam knew that he had found the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

However, as time went on, things started to change. You became more focused on your career and less focused on your relationship. You would cancel plans last minute and seemed distant whenever you were together. Adam tried to talk to you about it, but you always brushed him off.

Weeks turned into months, Adam realized that he was falling out of love with you. He couldn't bear to be with someone who didn't prioritize the relationship. He felt like he was constantly making an effort while you were taking him for granted.

"I feel like we're not growing anymore. We haven't gotten any closer in the past few months, and it feels like we're just going through the motions."

You wiped your tears away and sat back on the couch. "I didn't know you felt this way," you said quietly.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you," Adam said. "I just don't think this is working anymore."

You sat there, thinking, for a long time. Finally, you looked up at Adam with a sad but determined look on your face. "I don't want to hold you back from happiness," you said. "I love you enough to let you go if that's what you need."

Adam breathed a sigh of relief. He had feared that you would be angry or defensive, but your understanding and willingness to let him go made him feel like he was making the right decision. "I love you too, I Always will," he said.

"It hurts, but I know we'll both be okay in the long run," You said, standing up from the couch. "I should go so we can both have some space to think."

Adam watched you leave, feeling guilty and sad but also a sense of freedom. He knew that he had made the right choice, even though it hurt.

It was a difficult decision, but Adam knew he had to end things with you. The thought of being with someone who he believed didn't love him back was unbearable. However, Adam knew deep down that he couldn't continue to put in all the effort without getting anything in return.

The breakup was tough on both of you, but he knew it was the right decision. He needed to find someone who would love him as much as he loved them, and who would prioritize their relationship just as much as he did.

He felt himself moving on. He started going out more, spent time on his hobbies, and even started dating a little bit. He felt like himself again, but he also knew that he would never forget you and the love you had once shared.

Weeks turned into months, and Adam eventually found someone who loved him just as fiercely as he loved them. Looking back on his relationship with you, he realized that falling out of love had been a necessary step towards finding true happiness.

He realized that he deserved someone who would love him and care for him, and he was able to find that person in the end. It just goes to show that everything happens for a reason, even when it hurts at the time.

Months later, Adam ran into you at your favourite coffee shop. You exchanged awkward hellos and caught up on how your lives had been over the time you had been apart.

"I think we needed this break," You said. "I've learned so much about myself and what I want in life."

Adam smiled at you, feeling a renewed sense of appreciation for the person you were. "Me too," he said.

You talked for a little while longer, and then it was time to say goodbye. This time, there were no tears or anger, just a sense of closure and understanding.

As Adam walked away, he felt grateful for the time he had spent with you and the lessons he had learned. Falling out of love had been hard, but it had been worth it to find himself and what he truly wanted in life.

[rainsandrains]

in all honesty, i'm having a hard time with my atheopaganism. it's nearly hallows, and my focus is still set up for spring - i was here (in cambridge) until july, then i went home (to my parents' house) until the start of october, and although i've been back for about two weeks i still haven't touched my focus except to put my two spiritual notebooks back on it. i have hardly engaged with any of the things i consider spiritual practices.

the last time i was in cambridge, i was extremely unhappy. i was still in limbo regarding issues with my phd, i was having issues with my relationship to certain close friends, and i was, to put it bluntly, bordering on suicidal. i then went through hell for two weeks in july, and spent all of august recovering from that. i finally got good news about my phd and in september i started studying again, and i managed to make a tiny bit of progress with another personal goal i won't talk about here in case it's triggering to people. i engaged in my first proper full moon ritual, and managed to keep the promise i made to myself that night - a certain set of tasks for an entire lunar cycle. things were looking up. and then i came back to cambridge, to the place where so much went wrong and where i had felt so so bad, and it all fell apart again. i relapsed into a very bad coping mechanism and haven't yet had the energy to feel bad about it. i'm struggling to enjoy my main hobby because the choir is full of new people and because i'm tired and drained.

so no wonder the whole "connecting to the natural world" thing has fallen away. i'm just trying to get through the days, get my work done, and not snap at the poor freshers who haven't done anything wrong. i don't feel guilty about abandoning my practice. but i do feel like i'm lacking something. i do feel sad, and regretful, that i'm not feeling connected to the world.

and, for some reason, when i feel this way (and when i feel low and lonely in general), i've recently (as in over the last year or so) found myself drawn to polytheism. i know that gods aren't real. but i wish they were. i find myself... playing pretend, for lack of a better word. talking to apollo and lighting a candle i imagine he'd like, and then catching myself and feeling stupid. when i have to sing christian music with my choir, i think "khaire apollon, if you want to take any of this music as an offering, even though it's about the wrong god on paper, feel free. your presence would be appreciated" - because i feel so isolated even in that space, and because i need something overtly pagan to counteract the icky feeling christianity gives me. i know plenty of naturalistic pagans engage with deity as myth, as story, as metaphor... but i want it to be more than metaphor. but it isn't, and it never will be. i need to find a new way to engage with these ideas, something that fills the emotional void but that aligns with my naturalist worldview. i never think about apollo this way when i'm at my parents' house, probably because i'm less lonely than here where i live alone. maybe i need to spend more time with my friends, but it's cambridge, they're so busy all the time...

i don't know. i may well delete this post - i've never rambled so personally on this blog before, and it's not really in line with my original intention that this would be for reference and inspiration. but i'm stuck, and frustrated, and struggling, and i don't have anyone irl i can talk to about it because i don't know any other naturalistic pagans irl. only a couple of people even know i'm pagan, and while both are open-minded and kind about it neither of them are remotely similar (one is my college chaplain, and the other is a friend who is jewish - both lovely, neither likely to be on the same page as me about naturalism).

[katyspersonal]

People really have nothing better to do with their life? Unbelievable. They need to get a better hobby. Those last dm are really not necessary it’s so bad. They even dare to bring your friends in all of this mess. Take care, you deserve it.

I agree that the lengths they go through to try and kick someone out of the fandom are absurd, and yeah, I really do not understand what gets under their skin so hard that someone is still active in the fandom? I mean, Marble said "she tries to insert herself back into fandom by sending people nice asks :(((" which is honestly the most hilarious thing I've heard yet. Fandom is more than just their entitled toxic furry jerk-off circle! Who appointed HER to decide who "belongs" in the fandom and who doesn't? It is a free space!

All in all, people like that don't care about what is "necessary". They have a lot of pent-up aggression and latch onto any justification to mistreat another human being. It is specific kind of western community leeches that can't care less about anyone's mental state, whether they're sorry or not, that will hold something you did year(s) ago against you for all eternity, that see resolving a problem with another person in "removing" them instead of offering any sort of healing, communication and patience. No one on this wretched Earth owes anyone anything, of course, but the worst part? They will treat those that DO try to help one they deemed worthy of mistreatment as a "traitor". Why are you helping the """bad""" guy to recover and reassume their place in the society? You are supposed to spend this time and energy on the """good""" guys who already have everything!

The best red flags for such people even before you ever got into a conflict with them is if they express unambiguous sadistic glee when they "pissed someone off" in a [insert a community], if the see making people angry as "accomplishment", and also if they go far just to spite someone who upset them. Normal human beings like me or you do not see any honour in causing negative emotions, and even if our enemies are seething deep down we think 'damn, we really had to be enemies?' instead of feeling """victorious""" somehow. You see 'sadistic glee' = you know this person will be unhinged if you become enemies, simple as that. Even fandomry activity can expose that sort of attitude!

As for my friends... Again, I am as guilty about bringing them into the situation as my enemies are. I should not have mentioned the names in private convos ever. And in general, for the last part, you really should not feel all that bad for me... You see, I am an idiot. Despite my paranoid vibes never failing me, I still keep calming myself down and wrestling with my mind instead of trusting them, despite the fact that not even ONCE they failed me! Like... I just had a feeling that A. never forgave me despite her nice words, so why did not I fucking listen to my guts? I really want to act surprised that she saw an opportunity to get back at me when I already was staggered after lying about being "chill"?

Anyways, thank you for letting me talk about it (and other anon(s), too). If I continue getting this sort of attention, I might stop responding because if venting overstays its welcome it becomes COUNTER-productive, but just know that I appreciate the concern and common sense. And yeah, @ mutuals: again, if any of you feels unsafe publicly associating with me because of those people, you can inform me so I do not do asks/reblogs/comments and only talk in private. I am not a type of a guy that alters my behaviour because my enemies decide it for me, but when COOL people do not feel safe it WILL concern me.

[of-canes-and-manes]

002: Lessons Learned at the Lake

I spent the last full week of August on the edge of a lake in Maine, and it was my first true vacation in two years.

I’m not usually one to enjoy leaving the house for multiple days at a time, much less a full week; my chronic fatigue makes it next to impossible to predict how well I’ll function after more than a few hours. This week in Maine wasn’t even a solo trip; most of my immediate family was crammed into this little cabin, and I simply do not do well with just how loud they can be.

But this vacation was a wonderful experience regardless, even if it wasn’t restful in the least. I spent several days playing board games with my family. I spent several hours learning practical skills with my old DSLR camera, learning how to shoot in aperture mode. I spent several days knitting, where I finished the first sock in a pair using the most difficult pattern I’ve attempted to date.

And on top of all of this, I learned four lessons out there on the lake, lessons that I’ve seemed to learn and relearn intermittently over these last seven years of being disabled, and yet I can never retain them for more than a few weeks at a time. It is my hope that by writing them out here they can serve as both a reminder to myself and others who need to hear them.

Lesson one: be flexible about changing plans.

I’ve never been good at life deviating from routine. I have the first two and a half hours of every morning scheduled down to the minute. But with my chronic fatigue, I can’t always get started at the same time every single day; there’s days where I need to sleep in, or days where I wake up early unintentionally.

During my week in Maine, I rediscovered the joy of adapting my morning routine to what I needed to set up the day. If I woke up with only twenty minutes until sunrise, I skipped everything but breakfast so that I could grab my camera and get situated for taking my morning photos. Then, once the sun had risen, I came back and did the non-negotiable parts of my routine, making it a point to take my time with my daily spiritual practices and to really ground myself in every action.

This carried over through the rest of the day, and if I ended up not having the energy to do what I had planned, I allowed myself to do something else rather than trying to brute force my way through it. With this flexible approach, I was able to save myself more energy than I can adequately calculate.

Lesson two: spend as much time as possible outdoors.

This is one that I’m always vaguely aware of needing, and yet it always creeps up on me despite my best efforts. During the fall and spring, especially during school days, it’s easy to be outside on the porch with my radio and my knitting; in the summer and winter, with the more extreme temperatures and my family home from school, it’s a lot more difficult to do.

A week out on the porch in Maine, looking out over the lake and the mountains rising in the distance, did more for my mental health than I can even begin to say. Especially during the mornings before my family woke, when my only companions were the radio and the birds. This proximity to the natural world allowed me a sort of peace of mind, serving both as a reminder and a promise that I am not alone out here in this life.

It’s something that’s a lot harder to do at home, between the weather and my family’s schedules, but it’s one thing I need to get more of on a regular basis.

Lesson three: make the time and energy for my passions.

I was late diagnosed as autistic, and am still learning the importance of special interest time. My special interest is knowledge of all sorts, and combined with my ADHD I have a wide variety of hobbies that all revolve around working with my hands in the offline world. As such, I often feel guilty when I can’t spend time on some interests and hobbies because I’m fixating on others.

While in Maine I only had a limited number of activities that I could work on, as I only had enough space in my travel bag for a few items. Having such a limited selection of what I could work on at any given time greatly reduced my executive dysfunction around deciding what to do with my day, as well as giving me some insight into what I really value in a hobby and special interest. By allowing myself the time and energy to fixate as much as I want, I was able to conserve energy while fulfilling both my autistic and ADHD needs at the same time.

I seem to relearn this on a nearly monthly basis, and yet I never seem to keep it in mind in the day to day.

Lesson four: invest in nothing days.

There’s a certain amount of peace that comes from having nothing planned for the day besides listening to the local NPR station, knitting, and watching the rain roll over the lake. My fatigue is cognitive just as much as it is physical, sometimes even more so, and I often find myself reaching a point where I can’t read more than a paragraph without my brain glossing over the words. At those times, nothing days are a delectable treat, and a reset that allows my brain time to rest.

Of course it would be most beneficial to reduce my taskload so that I didn’t have time of cognitive fatigue; in today’s world, when one needs to spend all day every day fielding phone calls from various offices just to keep ahead of his health, it can be impossible to get that rest. I seem to consistently forget that nothing days are an option, but when I get the rare opportunity to do them, I cherish every moment.

None of these lesson are new to me, and yet I never seem to be able to keep them consistently in mind.  Such is the life with the short attention span permitted me by my ADHD combined with the memory issues of my autism, I suppose. What lessons have you learned and relearned over the years, and what measures do you take to keep them in mind?

May your day be full of peace and kindness.

[sweetofsin]

i'm hoping that by next year i really can spend way less time on my phone and more time in person, interacting with people, diving into creative hobbies, etc. i think i'm becoming more and more anxious with my phone. which sucks, because i need it to communicate. but also, i struggle to communicate if i'm feeling really anxious. and then it's not just one or two people i have to communicate to. it's about 15 people consistently 🥲 (and i'm still forgetting some...) i love and adore them so much and simultaneously i feel frazzled trying to keep up with connections when most are online and i get more burnt out trying to communicate digitally

these also aren't like casual friendships either. they're all people where we try our best to invest into each other, hear how we are doing, check up on each other... which i really do love. and simultaneously, it does require more energy to maintain and to be able to invest into each other in those ways. but i also wouldn't trade it for the world cause i'm not really a casual connection type of person. i am irl but not really online

it's been a long time coming, to be fair, and last year i was so close to ditching my current phone and investing into a cool little flip phone and removing a lot of media consumption/accessibility. mainly just using it for some communication, photography, emergency. das about it

even when it comes to music and such like, (it depends upon the music) i'm really tired of it all currently. no, i don't think it's all bad. i still do enjoy music. and no, this doesn't mean that i'm going to go completely absent and ghost everyone and never talk to people again. but i believe i've just been outgrowing it more and more. seeing less and less reasons to be on here fr. it feels repetitive, people discussing and talking about the same things over and over, or pretty divisive, seeing people be 'out of touch' with the way the world works from their experiences primarily being online... it's a multitude of things.

for some reason i feel kind of ashamed for feeling this way? or i feel guilty/bad? but i think it's because my generation primarily loves connecting through the digital and/or online connections, so then i feel bad when i'm like... yeah i'm kind of feeling that i need more than that. or at least a mix of both. its really been making me disassociate and feel even more exhausted and burnt out using a screen so much. it's a complete 180 to how i was most of my life, where most of my safe space and the connections i loved were online or only accessible through the phone. i needed the digital world to escape and feel safe, and now i prefer to build my safety and stability in person instead of relying on technology to do so for me. i feel like who i was before 20 would've never seen this coming. i loved connecting with people online and was very terrified to do things with people in person. but now that i have more experiences and my relationships with people have been getting better, it's like... my body has been healing from that and it feels blissful. bittersweet too

like it's giving that i may have to start talking to some people once a month or every few months and give updates... which i feel SUPER bad for. also this does depend upon the connection. there are some connections where we do talk more consistently. but even with them...

idk. i just find myself more and more getting anxious and restless with online stuff. really enjoying and missing and craving more experiences of building life and doing communal work with people in person. i don't want to discount what online connections can do though. they genuinely can be so amazing. there's people i never would've met without the internet, that changed my life in beautiful ways. but i'd be lying if i said i'm not constantly thinking about ways life would be so different if we were in person. i feel like a millennial saying this lmao

it's like, if we were in person then we could just simply show that we care by cooking each other a meal, sitting together in silence, cuddling and holding each other, crying on each others shoulders, giving each other room and space to exist and be ones selves together. but online, the main ways you can show you care and work on that is through really good effective communication, and i don't think that's everyone's strong suit. i have friends that are kinda ass at showing they care online/over text, but are much better at it in person. or i've had conflict where we weren't really understanding each other over text, but we met up and talked about it in person and it went much more smoothly.

i've also had the opposite experiences too, where people acted fine with me in person but then felt more comfortable exploding on me online. or people who were primarily used to being able to be affectionate and connect online, but did not really show much of it in person. it's a mixed bag but i do wish it didn't have to be so binary sometimes. i think it's genuinely hard to find connections with that sweet spot of like things being portrayed in person AND online, instead of it being an extreme of either or. but i also understand the nuances and such of the times we live in. i'm too exhausted to get more into details with it so i'll leave this here

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

i feel kinda bad abt taking my mental health/work day

like yea i get an insane amount of school work but theres ppl i go to school w who have practice, and rehersal and get it done. am i seriously this mentally weak and unstable?? that i get so stressed out and anxious over school i have to take a day to do it cause i cant do my work at school? really???? like i feel idk idk how i feel. i dont think guilty is the right word? but neither is weak? idk. but its bad. theres just so much going on in my family life too that im worried about and i keep trying to tell myself that this is ok and needed and i just have to get the work done but its so hard to not worry and get overanxious to the point i cant go to school. mental health is such a tricky thing and i know its important but i feel so bad when i take care of it. i will say i put on my insta note "needing to stay home from school to do schoolwork is crazy" and like 5 ppl from school have responded saying they do the same thing all the time cause its so necessary. that makes me feel less bad abt taking today off, well not really off im gonna spend my whole day working even tho thats what i did yesterday too after my PSAT and barely made a dent in my planner. its just its so much. so so so so much and i feel bad that other ppl can handle it but i cant. ik ppls brains are built different but how come i struggle so much in school and w school work and others just pass w As and dont even bat an eye???? ig stupid is how it makes me feel. guilty, weak, and stupid. its only october and i feel like im on a sinking ship, i have school to worry abt, loved ones in florida to worry abt, my mas health to worry abt, my health to worry abt, keeping the house at least kinda clean to worry abt, plans to worry abt, social things to worry abt, so much to worry abt. also slightly unrelated but i have a dr appt to go to on saturday and get to skip out on helping w open house at my school and trying to explain to my friend why no she wouldnt rather spend her saturday talking w her mothers spinal surgeon about how she could be paralyzed for the rest of her life, or how her back conditions could kill her. id rather work open house but she insisted i was "lucky" to miss out. i just feel so overwhelmed already. its only october and my mental health is already at such an edge that i cant go to school. ik that going where i go will be good in the long run and the adults around me are constantly telling me that but idk if its worth it since who knows if ill even make it to the long run. they keep insisting that too. ignoring my mental health concerns and just saying that i go to such a good school and my diploma will help me much more than if i went to public school. which is all tru but it shouldnt be at the cost of my mental, and physical health. they say itll make college easier but if this is supposed to prep me for college idk if i can make it another 4 years of this.

im not happy anymore. not long term anyways like sure hoco was fun and i was happy, i was happy getting ready and dancing but as soon as it ended i wasnt happy anymore. i was back to my now usual empty kind of sadness. i watch shows, play games, and make art that usually makes me happy and it doesnt anymore. i stopped drawing for pleasure, only watch shows and yt series to get it over with and havent touched any games in a long time. nothings fun anymore. everyone is so happy, going to parties, hanging out, having fun but here i am practically drowning trying to even crack a smile. ive started just doing the bare minimum for myself to survive. school, sleep, eating, showers basic things. ive abandoned most of my hobbies and ik thats not good for me but i just cant bring myself to do them. i wanna be happy and i dont want ppl ik to worry so i just kinda fake it hoping no one will notice and maybe i can make other ppl happy. im lonely, sad, anxious, guilty, depressed. i should be excited abt things but everything feels like an obligation now. im just trying to go abt life trying not to die and thats pretty much it.

[rain-fluff]

Journal One

It's hard for me to think about what happened over the course of just this week alone. Mostly because I've become too tired to even think straight.

From mentally prepping myself starting off the first week of the semester with some pretty heavy course subjects to suddenly be alerted that my cat just passed away because her body was just too weak to try to keep herself alive; I'm overwhelmed and yet I don't allow myself to grieve too long because I have other matters and errands to attend to. I did give myself time to bawl my eyes out moreso during the weekend but at the same time it felt more like a pity party than actual grief or mourning. I think I'm too burnt out from taking care of these furrballs for so long that I wonder if I truly did love them like I thought I did.

The first person to assure to me that she was loved in her final moments; I can't help but feel disgusted by those words. I really just haven't felt that I was worthy of such praise for a long time. I remember being too scared to spend time or return her affections while I had my meals in the dining room, always begging me for scraps and I'd oblige because it was the only thing that encouraged her appetite. Maybe she did feel loved, but I can't help but feel I could've done more. Much like the many cats that have passed away before her.

You know how cats run away from their owners when they feel like they're dying? Bob never really tried to leave. In fact, all she did was be more affectionate; a stark contrast to her normal stoic and aloof personality. I really can't tell if that's meant to be more reassuring or tragic. I could hardly sleep on the day she passed but my need for rest felt like it shouldn't matter so much when someone who had been a part of your life for years abruptly dissapear from you just like that.

On another note, I do want to get back into painting and using traditional art mediums again. My eyes are so used to being glued to a screen that I forget what it's like to actually take a break from it. It's hard considering that a lot of my hobbies revolve around social media and talking to my friends online and I feel guilty for not checking my phone for updates once in a while. I could use a metaphorical figure to whack me in the head and remind me to take some breaks though.

Overall, my week hasn't really been too eventful besides my pet passing. Maybe I'll have more eventful days moving forward. (and hopefully with less announcements of death) And maybe one day I'll turn this sketch into a proper painting much like my other sketches and work in progresses. Is it ironic that I drew a fictional character with cat ears before my cat just died? Or was it my subconscious trying to turn her hospitalization into a more light hearted event via escapism? I should probably end it here before this gets too lengthy.

-rain

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

575 of 2023

1 - Aside from the necessities (eating, breathing etc.) what is something you do every single day, without fail?

Taking my meds. Eating, I fail at it horribly lol.

2 - Do you use cash or card the most? Do you find yourself using card or contactless methods more since COVID hit?

I've been using bank cards since long time and covid has nothing to do with it.

3 - Is there anything you enjoy that’s considered childish for your age? What is it?

Yep, young adult books, children's books, and probably some more things.

4 - Who’s your favourite voice actor? What’s the best thing they’ve been in?

No, thanks.

5 - How many times a day do you use the bathroom?

Do you really think I count?

6 - Do you need caffeine to wake up in the morning? What’s your drink of choice?

No, caffeine is my trigger and lowers my seizure threshold. I can't drink caffeine at all anympre.

7 - Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? If you’re an introvert, do you feel like you live in a world built for extroverts?

I'm an ambivert and I don't feel like I belong to this world at all, or maybe fit is a better word.

8 - What do you do with old clothes you no longer want or need?

I sell them.

9 - How old were you when you got your first pet (not a family pet, but one that you were solely responsible for)?

21. I got my beloved Victoria then. She lived a happy 12 years with me, until cancer took her away last week.

10 - What is something popular or fashionable that you consider to be a real waste of money?

Bottled water. Designer clothes because you pay most for the brand. Starbucks (but yep I'm guilty of it). Cigarettes. Express shipping, unless you need something really quick.

11 - Do you donate to charity?

Not often. I only did it to support Ukraine.

12 - Do you live somewhere with lots of livestock or wild animals?

Nope. My part of the country is rather urbanised.

13 - Would you rather live somewhere rural or urban?

In between. I love nature and I love the city.

14 - Is there anything (a hobby, for example) that’s guaranteed to always make you feel better when you’ve had a bad day?

Yup, scanning the radio for signal searching. And long walks on the beach.

15 - If you’re struggling with your mental health, who are you most likely to open up to, or would you bottle it up instead.

I would rather bottle it up. I find talking about feelings difficult.

16 - Do you get your five portions of fruits and veggies everyday?

I eat vegetables anyway. I'm as close to vegetarian as can be.

17 - What room of your house do you spend the most time in? Is this through choice or necessity?

The living room, rather necessity.

18 - If you have pets, do you snuggle with them when you’re having a bad time? Does it make you feel better?

Yeah, Susie comes for snuggles, but on her own terms. Victoria was a much more snuggly cat. She always could sense my bad mood and come to try to cheer me up.

19 - Would you ever sign up to be in the military? What if there was enforced conscription, would you go or would you object?

I wanted to join the military as the radio operator, but my neurological disorder disqualifies me. Even if it was still mandatory, they wouldn't take me.

20 - Would you ever want to go to any kind of fitness bootcamp, or does that sound like utter hell to you?

Nah. Even with my eating disorder lol.

21 - What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? What was it that made it so bad?

Cleaning toilets in a public library. My then boss treated me as if I was less worthy. I just needed money since I was studying at the university then. Shortly after graduating, I left that job and found the job of my life.

22 - If you could design your own garden, what would you have in it? Do you think that dream is ever going to be achievable for you?

Tulips, lots of tulips. Maybe some roses. Definitely fresh vegetables and fruits.

23 - Do you believe there’s life on other planets? If so, do you think it’s anything like humanity?

Yup, the universe is just too big. What do they look like? I have no idea.

24 - Does it take you a long time to fall asleep at night? What do you if you’re really struggling to get to sleep?

I keep snoozing. It doesn't take me as long time to fall asleep as it used to, though.

25 - if you drive, how many times a week do you have to fill up your car with fuel? If you don’t drive, how much do you spend a week on travel/transport?

I don't drive because I don't have a licence due to my disorders (both neurological and being on the verge of legally blind), but I spend more time on travel and transport than at home. Seriously. And this is my choice.

26 - What did you get the last time you went out for fast food?

Very long ago. Just today we ordered takeaway, it was a very good spaghetti.

27 - Do you tend to snack when you’re watching TV or sitting at the computer? What’s your favourite thing to snack on?

Not as much, but I like salty sticks sometimes.

28 - When was the last time you went to a zoo or wildlife park type place?

When I was 2 years old, seriously.

29 - Do you think it’s cruel when people keep exotic animals as pets? Or do you think it’s okay as long as they have the space, time and money to dedicate to them?

Well, if they take good care of their pets, then it's not my business. I wouldn't want an exotic pet for myself; I'm perfectly fine with kitties.

30 - If you eat meat, is there a particular animal you’d never eat? If you don’t eat meat, what’s the reason for it?

I don' t eat most of meat, except for chicken and some fish. For me, it's a matter of taste and structure. Most meat gives me sensory overloads.