#i feel good because no one technically got an unhappy ending

[trek-tracks]

Okay, hear me out. TOS 4 is the time travel movie. So AOS 4 is the time travel movie, but it's not about whales.

It's about a conversation AOS Spock had with TOS Spock before the latter died, when TOS Spock mentioned that things didn't really go irrevocably wrong in his universe until Admiral Kirk disappeared with the Enterprise-B. AOS Spock wonders what repercussions this has had on his own, somewhat more distressing universe, and when the AOS Enterprise bridge crew finds itself assigned to protect Earth by examining an unstable temporal ribbon that seems to be crossing through the galaxy--well. Spock wonders. Is this the Nexus? They find out soon enough that it is. And since Spock's the first one in, technically, the Nexus gives him what he wants, which is what the Nexus has--the ability to cross universes as well.

Now everyone, out in two groups on separate missions has to resist succumbing to the temptations of the world of the Nexus while they try to rescue Admiral Kirk, making sure his mission is still completed (so as not to destroy anything for the TNG folks' reality) but that he survives, so that they can figure out how to get through the Nexus and pop him back in his universe right as he's supposed to leave on the Enterprise-B. AOS Spock is sure he can figure out those calculations somehow. Some of the temptations are funny, some are sad, but we find out where Uhura and Sulu and Scotty are in their lives, and where they want to be.

Like Spock got to meet TOS Spock, TOS Kirk gets to meet Kirk (and Spock, and McCoy, and eventually the rest of the bridge crew). AOS Kirk learns that the life he's been envious of all this time didn't turn out well in the end because TOS Kirk ran toward duty alone despite what he had, and TOS Kirk learns that a) he could have suffered so much more loss, b) he's just one of a set of infinite possibilities, just like AOS Kirk is, and c) he's been wasting eternity exploring those other possibilities of happiness in the Nexus when he could have been content with what he already had.

He finds out what happened to TOS Spock, and it's agonizing. He sees this weird young Spock and Bones, both of whom could bench-press him, and he misses his Spock and Bones so much that the Nexus starts trying to change the fantasy world, to their detriment. It's only when the crew sticks as close as possible together and all concentrates on wanting the same thing that they're all able to shift the Nexus to their goal. Then Picard shows up. Things get complicated.

We hear, from Generations: And in the end, what did it get me? An empty house...Not this time.

and from Star Trek V: I knew I wouldn't die because the two of you were with me.

I thought you said men like us don't have families.

I was wrong.

TOS Kirk decides that, yes, he wants to leave, and he wants to go back. But they're not entirely sure how to line up Picard's plan and TOS Kirk's plan and the AOS plan and have it all work. It's a lot to figure out.

To simplify things, AOS Kirk decides he's going to volunteer to go die in TOS Kirk's place so that they can return TOS Kirk and at least one of them will have a decent ending, because his own life still feels so uncertain. This seems like it's going to work until his Spock and Bones both read him the riot act. But it's Bones who really goes off.

Karl Urban gets a great speech as Bones about how both Spock and Kirk met their counterparts, a chance which he will likely never be afforded and neither of them learned anything from it. Spock went off and punctured the walls of a universe even though TOS Spock indirectly destroyed AOS Vulcan through it. Kirk is trying to run away and die again because he doesn't know what to do with himself, even though TOS Kirk had an unhappy ending to a good life because at the end he ran away and tried to die again. Bones just tries to pick up the pieces. You don't fix things by tearing them apart, and you don't fix them by tearing yourself apart. You fix them by healing the rift. AOS Kirk's eyes light up. They're going to fix the rift.

They're going to give this random meaningless villain what he wants, throw him into the Nexus, he can have infinite joy, then they're going to seal it and heal it.

After all, AOS Bones says. He had a drink with TOS Kirk at the man's insistence, even though the Saurian Brandy didn't taste like anything, and Kirk told him he could cure anything from a rock to a rainy day. The tasteless brandy? Apparently Bones is the person who can actually perceive that nothing here is real, so he doesn't want anything except for everyone to remain safe.

From Beyond: Better to die saving lives than to live with taking them. 

Bones says: Better that no one dies at all. This time, no one dies.

So TOS Kirk and the Bridge crew go with Picard to subdue Soran and honestly, it's not that tough with all of them. Nobody had to die. And as they fix the rift, with TOS Kirk and Picard's Enterprise about to be thrown back into their universe on one side and the AOS Enterprise into theirs on the other, Picard suddenly realizes that he never clarified how they were getting Kirk back to his own time. And how will they explain his status?

TOS Kirk grins. Good thing I know how to slingshot around the sun, he says. And when they report me missing, I'll just say I didn't go in the first place. Clerical error. Who are they to argue with an alive man?

AOS Kirk has so many questions, but the two of them merely salute each other, and then they're thrown back.

Back in his own time, TOS Kirk walks into a Starfleet Academy apartment, and hear him say:

Bones, I heard you got laid up with Andorian flu and Spock was taking care of you, and this I just had to see! How many hypos? Don't let him talk you out of any, Spock. They're all important, every single one, even ones he hasn't heard of.

A pause.

Yes, I know I said Starfleet needed me. I just thought maybe you two needed me more this time.

Back in the AOS universe and Spock's calculations are totally off in getting home, because he didn't account for the gravitational pull of--

Vulcan. The planet that apparently still exists.

TOS Spock still came into their universe--he was always going to live longer than his ties to his Enterprise family. But his actions had been tempered, less destructive, which had clearly resulted in the Enterprise being able to save the planet. They were going to have to find out how.

Not everything had changed, of course. Nero had still been Nero, they had still come together. But Jim only vaguely remembers dying, now, as though it had happened to somebody else. He feels more settled than he ever has before. Some of that's the time travel revision, and some of that's the meeting with his alternate self, and some of that's Bones' yelling. Spock feels a sense of closure. Bones is just relieved that nobody died this time.

Uhura suddenly and quietly alerts them to the chronometer. It's a week before they left, which means there are now two Enterprise bridge crews on Earth, and that they need to lie low for a week to avoid running into themselves.

What should we do, Captain? she asks.

Jim smiles.

Let's go to Yosemite.

[olderthannetfic]

My feelings about deleting fic stem from personal experience.

I once wrote a fic that I new was going to have niche appeal, but which ended up upsetting the entire tiny fandom. The fandom was small enough that everyone knew everyone, it was really more of a social circle. These were my friends and I'd written something that made them unhappy. They weren't angry with me or anything, but the general tone was politely disguised squick and a few "oh... uh... I did not expect that for these characters :(" comments.

So I orphaned it.

Ten years later, I deeply regret this descision. My unhappiness about the initial reception has faded and I'm proud of the fic itself, and the people who were disapointed with it at the time have moved on and it doesn't colour their feelings towards me or their perception of my more recent writing.

But I lost that fic from my profile, and I regret this.

I regret orphaning it, I wish I'd just switched it to anon to assuage my feelings at the time, but I'm very glad I orphaned instead of deleting.

In addition to my own experience here, I hear a lot of stories from people who deleted fic and then a decade or two later are angry with themselves beause the fic is now lost forever.

I hear very few stories from people who deleted fic a decade ago and still feel they made the right descision, and those stories are usually from people who were writing spitefic, spam, or other works deliberately created to disrupt the experience of readers. A few are from people who were dealing with a stalker or having massive hate campaigns launched against them, and they consider the fic itself an acceptable casualty of having to completely wipe and remake their online experience. They tend to technically regret having had to delete the fic, but the alternative was unlivable.

Almost no one who deletes fic because it isn't good enough or because they're having a mental breakdown or because they've swapped fandoms or because they got a handful of rude or disapointed comments or to get back at an annoying person who liked it or because they're embarassed of the subject matter is actually happy with their descision down the road. Nearly all of them regret deleting the fic eventually.

If you ever feel like deleting a fic, consider anoning it or putting it in an unrevealed collection until whatever your feeling blows over instead.

--

[thefandomenchantress]

General Thoughts About Eden's Garden

I have, at long last, finished chapter one of Eden's Garden. And I really liked it! While it wasn't perfect, I still really enjoyed playing it and am very glad I got to experience it. Since I wasn't around for the Another fangames, this is the first time I've been able to keep up with a project like this as it's coming out, and it's been really cool.

So, without further ado, let's get started! Project Eden's Garden spoilers below. :)

I'll start with my criticisms, since I don't have a lot of them. Honestly, my biggest complaint has to be the technical issues I faced while trying to play this game instead of watching it. But I'm not going to sit here and pretend making a game is easy by any means, so I don't really hold that against the game, even if it was frustrating.

Plus, I'm an idiot. I sat for like half an hour trying to figure out the Non-Stop debate controls and thinking my WASD thingy was malfunctioning and not letting me switch truth bullets, when there was only one truth bullet I was allowed to use at the time. I was just being stupid and not catching on when it only showed me one truth bullet in the corner, haha. The repeated crashing of my game, however, wasn't my fault. But I was able to get my hands on a work-in-progress low-spec version of the game that stopped most of the crashing and stuff! After that, most issues went away, except for after the trial ended and the after-trial dialog wouldn't pop up, leaving me on a black screen even after a restarted my computer and tried a few more times. But I'm not too unhappy about that, it's not like I was missing any riveting gameplay sections, haha. I could just watch the YouTube version of the execution and stuff.

Other than those technical difficulties on my end, there are only a few actual problems I had with the gameplay, haha. The first being that I am terrible at bullet hell-styled gameplay, apparently, and Argument Altercation kicked my ass in normal mode. I really wish there was a way to switch your difficulty on that, or maybe checkpoints, because after about thirty or more tries of not being able to get past stage three, I gave up and ended up just getting my hands on a save file from after the minigame. I may love videogames, but that does not mean I'm good at them, haha.

As for the actual writing, I don't have too many complaints...I suppose if I had to say something, though, it'd be that some of the characters felt like they didn't have enough to do this chapter. Ulysses is probably the main one I felt this applied to, even if I love him, he didn't give us too much this chapter, other than a lore drop during the pharmacy investigation (His limited screentime didn't stop me from growing attached to him, though haha). Other characters, despite getting a little more screentime, felt like they didn't really develop at all in the grand scheme of things. But I don't want to focus in on this too much, since it's only chapter one and most characters usually don't start having any big changes until a murder occurs. And the disproportional screentime may just be the writing style of Eden's Garden being that they focus on a certain group of characters each chapter, when they have the most relevance. Wenona, for example, feels like she's being set up to be a larger player down the line, even if she wasn't a super major character this chapter.

There was a lot more I liked about the chapter than disliked, though! All the characters really grew on me, for the most part. Well...Almost everyone. There is one character who I'm kinda meh on right now, since I'm not quite sure what they're going for yet. He's entertaining, I like him fine, but he's not quite on the same level as everyone else. And that character is:

Jett.

Honestly, I think the main reason I'm having trouble is just how he treats Toshiko.

Jett, why are you picking on a literal child??? What are you doing??? This wouldn't bother me if I knew an explanation for it that gives cool insight into his character, but as is I'm just kinda annoyed at him for it. Then again, I haven't bothered to experience any of his FTEs yet, so it's possible he gives some sort of explanation for his child-belittling ways there, haha.

The Mark and Jett thing was fine, I'm liking the set-up there. I think the only difference that makes me like the Jett and Mark stuff over the Jett and Toshiko stuff is that Damon actually calls Jett out for not respecting Mark's boundaries, meanwhile no one really reprimands him for belittling Toshiko because of her age. When he shares her blackmail, no one says "Hey, man, that wasn't very cool of you." They just shrug Toshiko's blackmail off and say no one should share anything else. Wolfgang even calls her blackmail a "joke". No wonder Toshiko is so desperate to be respected, everyone but Ingrid is so rude to her (I can forgive Grace, though, because the gremlin bit was the funniest thing in the prologue to me).

Of course, if they end up calling out his behavior towards her later, as well as everyone else's, I'll be happy and probably end up liking him more. His whole never taking off his helmet thing is pretty cool, I'm interested to see where that goes and to see any character development he has. And him and Cassidy's little friendship being established through gaming was fun.

...Writing all this out actually made me appreciate Jett a little more, since I don't think I would be able to say this much about some of the other characters...I mean if I felt something other than passive enjoyment maybe they’re doing something right…

Oh, right, there were other characters this chapter. Let's get onto them!

Damon was just as entertaining as last time, I'm excited to see what happens next with him. Him letting Diana defend herself made it seem like he was going to be more empathic to others and improve, but Eva betraying him might mean he starts trusting the others even less than before.

In daily life, Eva...Might've been my favorite. Don't get me wrong, Kai is still my favorite character overall, but I loved Eva in daily life so much. Her "Bweh..." and "Raaaage..." voicelines are some of my favorites in any fangan and I'm happy I experienced all her FTEs. I loved her in daily life, deadly life was...Still fine and good, the execution was super well-animated and cool. But her being the culprit did sort of undercut my enjoyment a little, since it sort of calls into question the truthfulness of certain aspects of her character that made me like her. Still really cool, though.

Kai was great. I'm going to make a post dedicated to him later, where I'm sure I'll ramble on and on for a while, so for now I'll keep it brief. He was just as funny as last time, surprisingly helpful in the class trial, his large amount of screentime was a pleasant surprise to me, I'm super excited to see if he'll be the new support, and his FTEs were really cool. I'm super hyped to ramble about everything concerning him later.

Ulysses, despite his limited screentime, managed to be pretty charming this time around. Him already telling backstory stuff to us makes me a little worried for if he'll die soon, but oh well. Him literally saying "um, actually" when he starts his objection was great. Toshiko calling him ugly in...the Prologue, I think(?), was blatantly incorrect because I really like his design. There's something about his color scheme that I enjoy, idk. Plus, owls are my favorite animal, so I was pretty much guaranteed to like his theming.

Diana being heavily suspected by the fanbase and then being suspected in-universe in the trial was cool, the whole "choose the culprit" minigame legitimately tricked me into thinking it was her for a hot minute...Until I remembered how much unused evidence we had, haha. Excited to see where she goes from here.

Wolfgang...Damn those sprites in the Diana flashback were cool. I should definitely check out his FTEs to get a little more context, but wow. While I'm not surprised he was the chapter one victim, I'm a little disappointed we'll never hear more from him.

Grace was great, her demeanor is kinda similar to another favorite character of mine, so I've become pretty endeared to her. I'm interested in seeing where the bunny symbolism goes, and how she'll react to Wolfgang being gone. She had no FTEs (her actually responding when I tried to enter her dorm (I was doing an experiment to see if I could enter anyone but Kai's and Damon's) jumpscared me haha), so I'm guessing she'll live a bit longer and receive some character development! Yay!

Wenona was fun, her attitude was as entertaining as ever. She's probably one of the characters I most want to go do the FTEs of, I'm interested to hear more about her.

Desmond and Eloise's friendship was fun, the scene where they try to get Grace to let them in Wolfgang's room was definitely the highlight of both their characters for me this chapter. Eloise standing up for herself during the confrontation and Desmond backing her up without hesitation was awesome. Can't wait to see their friendship expanded on (And Desmond being angsty during the closing argument was hilarious).

Toshiko and Jett already had most of my thoughts laid out above. Jett I've mostly finished describing, but I did like Ingrid and Toshiko's friendship this chapter. Toshiko's whole pretending-she's-totally-not-freaking-out-and-being-actively-traumatized thing was good, I liked how she was desperate to sound smart in the trials, it fits her character.

Mark was a little ruder than I thought he'd be going in, but I'm not complaining. While I don't think anything topped "Grace, call the fire brigade" this chapter, some things got pretty close, like his annoyed facial expression when you agree with him. Him not wanting to be acknowledged at all at the gaming tournament was interesting, I'm excited to see where they take his character.

Ingrid...Was fine. I'll be honest, I was a little disappointed at how my view of her failed to change at all this chapter. Even her blackmail was something we learned in the Prologue already. Still, I can appreciate her. Even if she didn't change much this chapter, I still like what she is right now. She's all-around pretty cool, and I like how she makes sure to defend Toshiko, unlike some characters I know. /j

(Her being called "reliable" made me immediately feel like she might not last long, though... :()

Jean is pretty interesting to me so far, Cassidy suggesting that he might just be posing as a 'pirate' was intriguing. Him saying there was an arcade on his ship made me think of a crack theory that he worked at a Chuckie Cheese type place, but instead of there being a strange mouse, you could hang around at his prop ship and take pictures with him and his "crewmates" (Co-workers or employees) in costume, with an arcade and snack bar nearby...His knowledge of machinery stuff is also cool. I should check out his FTEs.

Cassidy's whole gaming gimmick is cool, and I like her, but I think if I'm being honest, her fun design and awesome voice actor kinda carry her for me. I don't think she'd be one of my favorites to hear speak otherwise. Some of her voicelines are just hilarious by themselves, too, though ("I better zip up my fly, my genius is showing" was my favorite, like what the fuck that is so random and funny and she only uses it once). She's a character who I don't think I'd find nearly as funny if the vocal delivery wasn't as on point as it is, but seeing as it's totally awesome and on point I have nothing to complain about she’s really cool haha.

And those are all my general thoughts on each of the characters. Now onto a few individual moments I really liked!

I replayed the Prologue before playing through chapter 1, and something really cool I noticed was that when they're on the train, this happens after Cassidy says she smells something weird:

I thought it was really cool how they subtly foreshadowed his lack of a sense of smell like that! The devs really thought his character through from the beginning, I suppose.

But moving on to chapter 1, specifically the trial. One detail I really liked was this:

“Near the boiler room door, I discovered a thin piece of metal.”

“During the investigation, there was a strange smell permeating the boiler room. It took me a moment to notice, but when I did…”

Damon takes credit for both the scrap metal and the smell.

This happens very directly with the metal, where he says that he discovered it. While he does admit he didn't think the metal was important before, what he fails to do is give credit to Ulysses for pointing it out to him, since Damon didn't notice it until Ulysses did. And when Ulysses did notice it, Damon berated him for even writing it down. And yet now here he is, pretending that he took note of the piece of metal all by himself.

He also takes credit for finding the smell, albeit slightly less directly. But he still makes it sound like he noticed it by himself, when Jean was the one who had to directly point it out to him. And even then, Damon could only smell the generator at first, and Jean had to further explain what he meant. And Damon pretty much plagiarizes his description of the smell without crediting him, too. You’d think a debater would know how to cite their sources correctly, haha.

So long story short, Damon fails to mention that he got help investigating from both Ulysses and Jean. I find that interesting because even though Damon says he can only rely on himself right before this trial starts, he is actively ignoring that he is only able to steer the trial in the right direction at certain points because of the help he received from others. The game is both proving his point about him only relying on himself (+Eva this trial) wrong, while also letting the player further see his mindset. Pretty cool. (Though I’d honestly be kinda pissed if I was Ulysses haha).

I also really liked Eva this chapter. Legitimately the first chapter death I've been most sad about in any Fangan. Usually I see the fake-out support thing coming a mile away, since it's such a common thing in fangans, but they genuinely fooled me with Eva. I really got attached to her and I'm sad to see her go.

I still haven't really fully processed her character, but what I do know is that she's really cool and relatable and her voice actor is very talented. Her design is amazing. Her sense of humor is immaculate. Overall, amazing character I was devastated to see go.

One cool detail I noticed, in order to commemorate my love for her:

After avoiding Grace, which Damon theorizes was because she didn't want her talent mocked, she investigates the Dining Hall people. And yet, even though she mentions Jett and Mark being unhelpful, she says nothing about Kai.

This could be shrugged off by the fact Kai said something helpful about the footsteps when Damon approached, but since Kai says this info like he hasn't shared it with anyone else, I don't think that's the case. Instead, I think this confirms Damon's suspicion that she is avoiding those who mocked her real talent, since Kai is definitely a jerk about it to her face on at least two occasions. She legitimately just didn't speak with him. That really hits home just how uncomfortable Eva was with a lot of the people in the killing game.

(I'll talk more about this in the Kai post, but Eva not mentioning Kai when you enter the dining hall, and Desmond also not mentioning where he went before that, made me actually start worrying that we were gonna find a second body haha, that's why I noticed this).

Lastly, I'd just like to say:

Even Desmond and Eloise being like "dude no stfu" at Diana in this CG was hilarious and I love it.

[thatgirlwithasquid]

gonna yap about one of my ocs for a sec cause i love her and she, quite unjustly, only recently got given a name…

this is alfie :)

she’s not having a good go of things cause she, technically speaking, as good as killed her girlfriend. she took her one way out of a wonderland-esque alternate dimension in a desperate bid to escape herself and now wears her pocket watch on a chain around her neck as she repeatedly dives back into that alternate world in a desperate attempt to find and rescue her

she’s very unhappy about all this. its kind of ruining her life as finding and saving sarah becomes her obsession. frankly, she spends so much time in that other place that she doesn’t know how to adjust when she goes along with her normal life.

it also makes her feel much older than she appears because no time passes in our world when she goes to that other realm and yet she spends weeks on end searching that place for her girlfriend

its all very unfortunate for her. she’s in desperate need of actual sleep. the fact she hasn’t keeled over dead from not taking care of herself is a miracle. she probably wouldn’t consider it a miracle but still. she’d probably keep doing this until it killed her if she doesn’t find sarah...

[cherrytea556]

Helluva boss and how they execute apologies

Helluva boss recently produced an episode where blitzo and fizz finally gets some focus and even some sort of payoff to their conflict with each other. Unfortunately, their payoff is as good as the other apologies (since it technically does pay off by an apology from their conflict being personal between each other), which in hindsight, isn't that great. I'll be discussing the problem with the apologies, not just of blitzo to fizz but also the apologies helluva boss executes in general.

Rushed Forgiveness As Closure

Usually in helluva boss, when one of the characters apologies to the other, the other will just quickly forgive them because they apologized regardless of the actions that they caused on them. An example of this would be octavia and stolas as well as blitzo and fizz. When stolas apologies to octavia for having an affair behind her mothers back, she quickly forgives him after he reassures her that he wont leave her. Sure, you can say that octavia implies to not be 100% forgiving of stolas with the line of 'your okay sometimes' towards the end though it's still serves as a rushed conclusion from how its the first episode of where their dynamic is established, leaving little room for their purpose in the longer term of the story since their main conflicted was already finished since it started. With blitzo and fizz though, while their was acknowledgement of forgiveness taking a longer time (which is appreciated), their conflict is still solved by the end of the episode, with fizz hugging blitzo after saving him from the fire (a direct parallel to blitzo running away from fizz in the flashbacks) and even letting blitzo use the crystals because he believes that blitzo earned it. This i argue is a worse case than octavia and stolas, because while you can argue that octavia doesnt seem to forgive stolas as much as we thought, it doesnt appear the case for fizz and blitzo because despite what fizz previously stated about forgiveness, he seems to forgive blitzo by the end of the episode by letting him use the crystals out of 'earning it' from the apology and that he didnt run away again when hes on fire. Another is the actions that make the forgiveness feel rushed. While stolas actions to octavia was cheating on her mother which would cause mental harm to octavia and already would take long to forgive, blitzo fired up the circus which in turn, causes severe harm to fizz, not only emotionally but also physically from his limbs being destroyed by who he considered a friend. This makes the forgiveness feel rushed, especially when fizz starts to dismiss that harm just because he found out it was an accident (because accident or not, he still lost his limbs and got severely betrayed by a close friend). Both are meant to serve as closure for the conflicts or at least their respective episodes and it just doesn't work with how the actions of the ones apologizing for wouldn't be as easy to forgive, at least not as much just because the characters intent despite their actions still causing harm (stolas flirting with blitzo while octavia was there/him cheating on her moms back, fizz losing his limbs and possibly reputation to blitzo etc...) Hell they even do a similar thing in truth seekers where blitzo apologises to moxxie for treating him like shit, explaining why as 'wanting him to be tough' which is a problem, but not for the same reasons....

Apologies of contradiction

With blitzo's apology to moxxie, he said he did it to 'make him tougher' and that he 'promises to be a different' however, after truth seekers, we dont ever see this change their dynamic is back to square one. This is seen in seeing stars where blitzo joins in on the fat joke loona make to moxxie, exs and oohs where blitzo threatens to kill moxxie after assuming that he shit talked him to his father and unhappy campers where he still clearly treats moxxie like shit from s1, even calling him a disgrace. This contradicts the apology entirely and makes it pointless from how their dynamic still hasnt make much if not, any change from s1. Another would be octavia and stolas where stolas still sleeps with blitzo in the EXACT same location that octavia heard her mother yelled about in episode 2 (him and stella's bed), again contradicting his apology to octavia as he doesnt even think of her while engaging in his affair further (not even sleeping in a different area mind you), making the apology, especially octavias forgiveness feel pointless because the characters dont change from it, they revert back to their old selves in order for the plot to move foward. And speaking of plot...

Stale bread of screentime

From episode 2 onward, stolas and octavias conflict is already finished at that point, making it hard to come up with new conflict for them. So with that problem, they just repeat the arc again with octavia running away because her dad ignored her to yell at stella and a future one where they seem to have the exact same conflict again but with lying (though i wont spoil it because it's a leak and should be talked about when the episode released). This causes their dynamic to become stale and just not engaging to watch because of them repeating the same arc again with stolas doing something to mess up, him apologizing for it and all is forgiven until the next time we see them together. It gets old fast. Similar state with fizz and blitzo from how the s2 premeire/trailer show blitzo and fizz dancing in an implied romantic sense, only for fizz to stab blitzos back by taking his key (as seen here):

And while it makes sense from their dynamic in s1, episode 6 of s2 coming out before this does make it questionable whether or not their gonna repeat the same thing again despite the conflict already being solved. And while you can argue this might make sense in different contexts (like him taking blitzos keys for the music concert episode in a i guess jokesy way than malice one), it still leaves a concern of how their gonna play that dynamic for future episodes because if their repeating it, then its stale and pointless from how they couldve just made fizz not forgive blitzo at all and it wouldve flowed better narratively but if they immediately make them jokesy towards each other like those kinds of 'sus' friends then it would make it even more rushed (not to mention how he doesnt need blitzos key when he has ozzie but idk, maybe they'll give an explaination in that episode if that scene appears there). This would also be the case with blitzo and moxxie as well but in a different sense, that sense being that their dynamic from s1 would become stale, especially from blitzo's apology where it implies that they'll be some sort of growth in their relationship.

All in all, helluva boss handles apologies not as greatly from its rushness, contradictions to the apology and how it would uncut their future dynamic together in the upcoming episodes.

[gothicbarbie]

BL's I'm Watching in December

(From favorite to least)

The Sign - God, I love this series. It has everything for me. BillyBabe have amazing chemistry and I love how their pairing is written. Hate to love is my favorite trope and they do it so well cuz it’s also laced with banter, flirtation and tension. You can see them genuinely falling for each other. And on top of that, we have a really interesting storyline with lots of questions and mystery. The production value of the series is super impressive too.

City Boy Log - Technically this isn’t a BL, but to me it counts. It’s scripted and centers around two BL pairings. I binged the whole thing in a day and loved it. The chemistry between the main duo is just so good and I love how bold the actors are. I also really like the simplicity of how it's filmed, it feels super natural. It’s a very fun watch and I would love to see them get an official series.

Playboyy the Series - Yes, this show has hot scenes (tho I find some more awkward than they are probably intended to be) but I like the series because of the overall storyline. There are a hell of a lot of characters and it can be a bit confusing but I think I am following it lol. I like quite a few of the pairings and plots that are happening and I def. want to know where the show is going to go. There are some great sex positive messages and discussion about consent that are really nice to see too.

Pit Babe - Really enjoying this series. It started very strong and while I find some storylines to be a bit draggy, it’s really fun to get an omega verse BL. I think they could do a bit more with it, but they seem to be slowly moving in that direction. Again, this series has an overall storyline arc that is mysterious and I’m curious to know where it’s headed. I also love the chemistry between Pavel and Pooh.

Last Twilight - I’m not as in love with this series as others seem to be but I still really enjoy it. It’s nice to see a series that sort of starts more with friendship that blossoms into something deeper and I find the plot of one character being the caretaker for the other to be very sweet and also unique. The scenes where JimmySea just touch hands are so powerful so I am loving their slow progression.

Breeze of Love - Binged this whole series in a night, and it was a great. Very fun watch. Weak kissing scene but sort of expected and it didn’t take away from the series much for me because I did like the chemistry of the main pair. I think some things could have been better but I liked it.

Twins the Series - This series can be dumb at times, and some storylines are a bit blasé but overall I am having a lot of fun watching it. I really like the chemistry between the main duo.

Destiny Seeker - This one ended a bit ago but I finally got a chance to watch the series and I loved it. Mostly for the main pairing who were so fun to watch. Have I mentioned I love hate to love pairings?

The Egoist (movie) - Not a series but a movie that I also finally got around to watching. I was loving it, at first. It was fantastic. The chemistry was great and the storyline hit hard. Hated the ending though, so a bit of a warning for anyone that is curious, if you don’t like unhappy endings, don’t watch lol.

My Story - Filo BL’s can be a bit cheesy at times and this one was no exception. I do think it started a bit better than it ended and I had to fastfoward quite a bit of the show, but I did like the chemistry between the pairings and enjoyed watching it.

Cooking Crush - Was unsure of this series at first, and I am not a big fan of cooking type shows, but I think this one is got a lot better starting with ep 2. I have always liked OffGun too and I am enjoying the cutesy moments and stuff at least. So we'll give it a chance to grow.

Unforgotten Night - An older series I am finally getting around to watching. Loved the first ep, then the next few were kind of bland. I didn’t hear great things about it, so we’ll see how it fits in at my end of year ranking (prob. will make the 2024 list tho since I am watching SLOW lol...) but I do really love the premise of the series. More friends with benefits type bl’s please!

The Day I Loved You - Another filo BL that I watched this month and it was quite enjoyable and cute. I liked the first half much better than the second half, it got a bit sad/depressing for me but I still think it was very well done and reminded me of a bit of heartstopper. Would def recommend people to check it out.

For Him - This one is okay, it doesn’t really have much of a point to me right now? lmao. But I think the sex scenes are well done and it’s holding my interest enough to keep watching.

Cherry Magic Thailand - I want to like this one, but something about it is just off for me. I like TayNew but am not in love with them and I think this version is a lot less cute and quirky like the original was. It just feels a bit awkward to me and I find Tay’s inner voice to be a bit silly? I wish it was more serious and sweet and less cringey lol. I also find New’s character to be a bit pathetic considering he is a 30 year old man… I understand it was following the OG SL, but again, I feel like that series just did everythin better lol…. But, I’ll give it a chance.

You Are Mine - This one was alright, I enjoyed parts of it, other parts I found kind of slow. It's def. not going to be an all-time favorite for me, but it was worth watching.

My Dear Gangster Oppa - Love Meen. Love the main duo’s chemistry, they feel natural together. Loved the first episode… but then, I just kinda stopped caring. The whole gangster/mob stuff just didn’t interest me and I found the overall plot of the main pairing to be a bit rushed. Wish they had built that up a tad more. But it was alright.

Brothers the Series - Another past BL that I’ve only seen a few eps of so far, so it’s hard to judge, but it’s okay so far. I do like the chemistry between the main pair and am curious to know where they are going to take things. But I am going very slow with this one.

Sahara Sensei to Toki-Kun - Only seen a few eps of this one and so far I’m, not really that into it. It’s okay and has some cute moments, but I don’t really like the chemistry between the main duo all that much, and I find it quite creepy he has a crush on a teacher tbh… But, we’ll see where it goes. Not one of Japan’s best imo.

VIP Only - This series is okay but I find it kind of boring. I like the main pairing okay, but I’m also not feeling the storyline that much, it’s just a bit bland to me.

7 Days Before Valentine - Sort of interesting premise and I like the chemistry between the angel dude and the main guy (if it’s even going to go there?) but there are some dumb/weird scenes and moments and the storyline is frustrating too. We’ll see what happens.

I Will Knock You - Older series I am finally attempting to skim through but it’s very meh. The chemistry is just okay. The plot is pretty boring. The main guy is a bit of an ass and hard to like right now but I also kinda like the banter? Maybe? IDK.

Middleman’s Love - Wanted to like this series because I like the characters and the chemistry but it’s just been dragging and dragging since ep 1. I didn't expect it to take this long for something to happen between the main two and the main character can be really annoying and frustrating and a bit TOO dramatic. They use him to be funny but he just comes off obnoxious? Bit of a bust for me. The series just doesn’t have a purpose...

Bake Me Please - Don’t like this series at all really. I don’t think the main couple has any chemistry. Ohm’s character is frankly annoying! And their relationship went from 0 to 60 in like 1 scene. I would just stop watching alll together, but it’s got so few episodes that I might as well just finish it.

Tie the Knot - This one is at the bottom cuz I barely remember what it was about but I just remember I skimmed the majority of it lol.

[decks-writing-blog]

Whatever the Fuck Benrey Is: Chapter Three: Feel Bad For Him

Chapter One: Never Stayed Dead

Previous Chapter: But You Owe Me

~

‘Sulky’ was the only way that could describe Benrey’s attitude. Short noncommittal answers were his only replies when Gordon asked him about this or that clothing item. And he didn’t say anything unprompted as he followed. He was utterly unhelpful in every way but he wasn’t being an active nuisance or wondering off again so it was preferable.

Gordon put up with it for as long as he could bear before giving up and just picking stuff out for Benrey without even bothering to ask. Probably because he was used to see Benrey in blue, he ended up picking out mostly blue and other cool coloured clothing. It would make the inhuman yellow he’d chosen for to put in his eyes pop but most people would likely assume he was wearing contacts. Anyone wearing such contacts would want them to stand out, thus making them less suspicious.

Blessedly after paying for everything, they were allowed into the changing rooms so they could spend the rest of their shopping trip in real clothing. Immediately Gordon felt better; he was clean, safe, and wearing proper clothing again at long last. And their group no longer stood out even a little, making the fear of anyone noticing them and asking too many questions much less potent.

As they set to grocery shopping, Benrey continued to sulk as he followed along at the back of the group. Apparently he was really upset about no one being willing to buy him a new PS3. As long as he was expressing that in sullenness and not trying to kill them though, Gordon didn’t care. Let the bastard be unhappy for once, he deserved it after all the misery he’d put Gordon through.

Without easy access to a fridge and the only means to cook anything being the microwave in the hotel’s cafeteria area, the kinds of food they could get were limited. But anything was better than living off of vending machine snacks and dead pigeon that was always undercooked in some places and burnt in others. Somehow though despite how much soda they’d drank during that same trip through hell, Gordon just barely managed to convince to not add it to the list here. They could spend their money how they wanted of course but packs of soda were always bulky and they had enough to carry already.

Luckily the walk back to the hotel wasn’t long even if it was uncomfortable carrying so many bags at the height of the day’s heat. Not so luckily though, upon inquiring at the front desk, there were no new rooms available. Gordon had to continue sharing with Benrey. Tempting as it was to complain to the receptionist or the rest of the Science Team again, he didn’t bother.

As soon as they were back in their room, Benrey dropped the bags Gordon had given him to carry and wondered over to flop face first down onto the bed. Ignoring him being the easiest thing to do, Gordon set to putting stuff away. Including Benrey’s clothing, not a job he should have to do but he wasn’t in the mood to start something. Their share of the groceries, he put some in the night stand, the rest he left put in a box next to it.

Once everything was put away, he sat in the chair and pulled the phone out of its cradle, resting it on his lap while he dialed. By some miracle he remembered his supervisor’s phone number after only a little bit of thought. As usual, because the asshole never picked up his phone, it inevitably went voice mail.

“Hey, if you’re not dead,” though there was a good chance he was, “it’s Gordon Freeman. As you probably know, stuff kinda exploded and went to hell during my last shift. So I’m calling because I don’t know if I technically still have a job at Black Mesa or not. So I’d like news on that as well as compensation since it was a workplace accident and all that. Also uh… I got a thing that I need help handling. I can’t talk about it over the phone because it’s sensitive company stuff,” and because Benrey, the exact thing he was talking about, was right there, “but it’s important. So get in touch soon.” He gave the hotel name and his room number before hanging up with a sigh.

Probably the guy was dead so he’d have to go further up the chain of command if he wanted any hope of getting confirmation on his job status, compensation for his suffering while on the job, and/or answers on what he was supposed to do with Benrey. Perhaps all the way up to Administrator Breen,himself. Normally he would’ve balked at such a thought but after everything he’d been through he’d run out of fucks to give.

Though the situation with the US military did make it a bit more complicated. They could threaten to turn him in if he tried to demand anything from the company. But then he could in turn threaten to spill the news of the incident to the public if they tried. Or heck, he’d taken part in plenty of top secret experiments even before this latest fiasco that he could threaten to reveal too. He didn’t currently have any proof of any of it – it had all been in his office or living space at the Black Mesa facility – but he could bluff and say he did. Perhaps he could even head down there to get that proof.

The thought of returning so soon sent a chill down his spine. But… it might be a smart idea. Everything should’ve calmed down by now both in terms of the aliens as well as the military. They could check to see if any of the possessions were salvageable and well, there might be survivors they could help. And if Gordon really did have to black mail the company to get them to compensate him and the rest of the team, having the means to actually do so before he even needed to threaten it would be helpful.

If they were going to go down there, the sooner, the better. … He didn’t want to though, not today. It was too soon, he needed some some time. Tomorrow would be better. If they heard nothing from Black Mesa by then, he’d talk to the others about renting a car and heading down there to see if there was anything to see. For now, he was done thinking about it.

Instead, he looked over at Benrey, still lying face down on the bed. It couldn’t possibly be comfortable but he didn’t seem inclined to move any time soon. “How long you planning to sulk for?” Talking to him might be a bad idea but the silence was too heavy.

Benrey’s response was so muffled by the pillow his face was pressed into, it was indecipherable. Gordon could just get up and leave him there, would be justified in doing so too, and go talk to the others instead. But Tommy had made a good point about all their fun stuff being gone or at least currently inaccessible. Fun stuff wasn’t necessary for survival but it was necessary for thriving and after everything they’d been through, fun distraction would not only be really damn nice but also much deserved.

Since starting college, Gordon hadn’t had as much time to play video games as he’d have liked. Getting hired at Black Mesa had given him a little more time since he lived and worked in the facility but he’d mostly been focused on work. They’d been working on some pretty cool projects after all… though they seemed less cool now. Getting lost in video games was more appealing of an concept than ever. And there were by far worse coping mechanisms he could be tempted to turn to if he resisted this one. Benrey being a gamer too meant he could kill two birds with one stone; fun distraction for himself and something to keep Benrey occupied and hopefully content enough to not cause more problems.

With a sigh, Gordon stood back up and put his shoes back on. “I’m about to head to the used game store, you wanna come with?”

For a moment it seemed Benrey hadn’t heard or wasn’t going to respond but after several seconds he twisted his neck to look up at Gordon. Far enough that it looked painful but he wasn’t human so he was probably fine. He opened his mouth but Gordon quickly cut him off before he could say something stupid.

“We’re getting an old, used, cheap console with old, used, cheap games, nothing new or expensive. I only got so much in savings. But I am willing to buy a couple games solely for you if it’ll keep you from being a nuisance and if you promise to behave. Understood?”

Benrey pushed himself up and was back to his feet in seconds. “Yeah, yeah, understood.”

“You promise to behave?”

“I promise to behave. Let’s go.” It was quick and Benrey was already starting for the door so it would have to be good enough for now.

~

Despite having made it clear that he was a Sony fanboy, Benrey was the one who suggested they get the Game Cube instead of the original Play Station because, “There’s more good games for it.” Which was true, the store’s selection of Game Cube games was almost twice as big as it’s Play Station section.

He was also the one to suggest they get multiplayer games. Gordon didn’t like the idea of playing games with him but after some thought he agreed that it was a good idea. Since they had to share the console, they were bound to end up fighting over it, having some games they could play together should mitigate that to some extent. Besides he did like the idea of occasionally playing with Tommy, Bubby, and Dr. Coomer if they desired to as well.

In all, the shopping trip was quick, easy, and Benrey was relatively well behaved the whole time. They walked away with a Game Cube, four controllers, two memory cards, a decent handful of games and three Beyblades from the toy box next to the cashier for less than a brand new PS3 would’ve cost. Gordon had checked to see if he could get Dr. Coomer a SNES and Super Punch Out but the latter wasn’t in stock so he put the idea on the shelf for later.

For now instead, during the walk back to the hotel he stopped by the 7/11 to get everyone their own two litter bottle of soda – all on brand, unlike the cheap stuff available at Black Mesa’s vending machines – and at Benrey’s suggestion a box of on brand candy too. It wasn’t much but he owed the Science Team his life so he wanted to do something at least kind of nice for them. Benrey got included solely because he was physically with Gordon at the time and well, he was feeling generous so why not?

“They got pizza too,” Benrey said as he bumped his shoulder into Gordon’s as he made his third and final trip to the counter – having only one real hand meant he couldn’t carry it all at once until it was bagged and Benrey’s arms were full with their game purchases, meaning he couldn’t help.

“Yeah, and?”

“Could get some… maybe?”

“What? No. Have you ever had 7/11 pizza?”

“Nope. This is my first time inside a real 7/11.”

Damn, another reminder that Benrey probably spent his whole life locked up inside Black Mesa. Gordon still refused to feel bad for him though. The world had been better and safer with Benrey contained. Now apparently it was Gordon’s job to prevent him from running amuck and causing untold chaos until he could get him to someone who could contain him again.

What were the pay rates for babysitting whatever the fuck Benrey was? Had to be pretty high, right? Between that and the compensation he was owed, he should be set for life. Maybe he really could retire and spend the rest of his life goofing off and playing video games online.

For now though, he finished putting the last of his purchase on the counter and said to Benrey, “Well, trust me, unless you’re high enough that you’re happy to eat literally anything, convenience store pizza is garbage. Like, it’s worse than frozen pizza.”

“Oh, no thanks then, frozen pizza’s pretty bad. It’s too cold and the plastic wrapping gets stuck your teeth, real uh… real awful. The cardboard ain’t bad but can’t save it.”

The cashier ringing everything up chuckled, clearly believing it to be a joke. Gordon wasn’t so sure. It was tempting to ask but he didn’t need to know and just laughed along instead because Benrey eating a frozen pizza straight out of the freezer, packaging and all, was a pretty funny mental image.

~

Upon returning to the hotel the first thing Gordon did was unload all the sodas and candy, much to the delight of the Science Team. Especially Tommy once the Beyblades were brought out for him too. Sunkist had apparently caught up and seemed excited too. Gordon would have to get her a bone or toy of some sort eventually. Which he would have to talk to Tommy about to ensure he got here something that wouldn’t be dangerous to her health if she had an allergy or whatever. That was for later though, for now he just wanted to go back to his own room and relax for a bit.

Even before Gordon was quite finished closing the door behind them, Benrey was off and starting to plug the Game Cube into the TV. Being an older console and an older TV, they were perfectly suited to each other. “Wanna play Melee?” Benrey asked as he turned towards Gordon, holding up the appropriate game box.

“Sure. Go easy on me though, I’m, uh, down a hand.” Later he was going to have to do some research on how difficult it would be to get or make a controller meant for use with a single hand.

“Of course, of course. Gotta go easy on the noobs otherwise they ain’t gonna wanna play anymore and then that’s no fun.”

Gordon could perhaps find reason to be annoyed with being called a noob but it had been a long time since he’d played the original Smash Bros back on the N64. Back when the Game Cube was new, he’d considered himself too cool for Nintendo. So this was his first time owning one and thus, he was a noob. Nothing wrong with that though.

***

Even when going as easy on Gordon as he could while still actively playing the game, beating him was almost trivial. Benrey had never even played Melee against real people before but Gordon took only slightly more effort to beat than the easy bots.

Normally Benrey would’ve teased him to hell and back for being so bad but he knew why Gordon was playing so poorly. Game Cube controllers were designed to be used with two hands. Gordon straddled his on his gun hand while awkwardly splaying his left hand over it. Technically he could press the buttons and move the analog stick at the same time but not with any degree of finesse.

If Benrey had known leading Gordon to the soldiers would result in him permanently losing a part of his body, he wouldn’t have done it. There was being bad because he’d been wronged – and so Gordon would pay more emotion-filled attention to him – and then there was his actions resulting in Gordon having only one functioning hand for the rest of his life.

“If humans don’t grow back cut off bits does that mean they also don’t, uh… come back when you kill them?” He eventually had to ask once he’d knocked Gordon down to his final stock for the third time.

“Nope. As a popular meme says, ‘people die when they are killed’. It’s permanent unless it’s the kind of thing a doctor can resuscitate someone from. That’s pretty rare though.”

“What about Bubby? He comes back when he dies and he’s human.” Or at least Benrey was pretty sure he counted as such.

“He does?”

“Bro, you saw him die at least like… twice, I think. He comes back.”

“Well… Bubby’s special. He was made in the lab so even if he is human, he’s got stuff going on that the rest of us don’t. Normal humans stay dead when they die and don’t grow back lost body parts. Heck, you injure us bad enough and we’ll be permanently fucked up because of it.”

“Damn. Your species don’t got much going on, huh?” And their little fight took on a whole new meaning. Benrey had thought they’d been mostly still chill even if they’d been actively trying to kill each other. But if death was permanent for humans that meant the nothingness between it and reformation would be permanent as well, right? Making trying to kill someone a much bigger deal than Benrey had thought.

“Hey, we got plenty going on, we’re just not immortal or whatever like… whatever the fuck you are. What even are you?”

Before answering, Benrey won the round. It was so easy it wasn’t as fun as it could’ve been. While the announcer claimed him the winner, he looked over at Gordon sitting on the chair next to him. “I’m not human.”

“Yes, we’ve established that but what are you?”

Benrey hadn’t considered that question in a long time and it had been even longer since he’d cared. “I don’t know.”

“What? How do you not know what you are?”

“Just don’t.” He was Benrey and he wasn’t human, what more mattered?

“They made you in the lab too, didn’t they?”

“Um… maybe. I’m not really sure. All I remember is the lab though so probably, I guess.”

Gordon was silent for a few seconds, his face full of thought before it scrunched up in sudden anger. “God fucking damn it!”

“Whoa bro, why you so angry?” Benrey wasn’t always great at telling what kinds of things would make people mad at him but he was pretty sure that that shouldn’t have. What did he know though? Sometimes people just got mad at him even when he didn’t intend for them to.

“I’m not… or I guess I am angry. But not at you and it doesn’t matter right now. Let’s just shut up and keep playing.” He turned his attention back onto the TV, pressing start to get them back to the character select screen.

After switching characters to Link – he had a sword so he was cool – Benrey rested his controller on his knee and bent his right arm around behind himself. Playing one handed was only fair, right?

Somehow Gordon didn’t seem to notice until he won the round and turned to look at Benrey again. Whatever he’d been going to say died on his lips and his eyes widened a bit surprise. “Oh, I guess that explains why you were playing so much worse suddenly. You don’t uh… don’t gotta do that for me.”

“Nah, beating you’s too easy, gotta even the playing field a bit to make it more fun.” And it had been more fun, certainly it meant he could put real effort in without it being a steamroll. He’d even lost that round, pretty handily too because Gordon had more one-handed practice at this than him, but it was only a matter of time before he got his mojo back. And then when he started winning again, he could tease Gordon for being bad.

“Oh, um… okay then, I ain’t gonna complain about that, thanks.” Gordon turned his attention back on the game and started the next round.

***

Gordon had been planning on not tolerating sharing the bed with Benrey again. He’d been intending to insist Benrey sleep on the floor or in one of the chairs. But then Benrey had inadvertently made Gordon feel bad for him. No wonder he was so fucked up and weird, he’d spent his entire life in the lab and didn’t even know if he was made in it or they’d just found him super young and kept him around to experiment on. Idiot didn’t even seem to understand how fucked up that was which just made it worse.

Bubby had a similar life story – though he at least seemed to understand that it was horrible to some degree – which largely had to do with why Gordon had forgiven him for his part in the betrayal. Just like he’d forgiven Dr. Coomer for the whole clones trying to kill him thing. Being part of or the product of an unethical science experiment was bound to result in acting out a little, being a little strange, and maybe not fully grasping the ethics and impact of one’s actions. And so Gordon should forgive Benrey too, shouldn’t he? He didn’t want to though.

And so after wrestling with the thought on and off for hours, reaching no conclusions, it was finally time to go to bed. He’d planned what he was going to say earlier at Target; ‘You’re sleeping on the floor tonight.’ A statement, not a request, brooking no room for argument. ‘You’re not human so you don’t need to sleep in a bed. Beds are for humans,’ if Benrey tried to argue. But even if he didn’t forgive and thus very much wanted to not share the bed with Benrey again, he did still feel bad. Bad enough that making Benrey sleep on the floor seemed too harsh and with no other options available, that meant sharing the bed again.

It was big enough for two people though, no cuddling or touching necessary if they stayed close enough to separate sides. Which would leave them close to the edges, perhaps more than Gordon preferred but not so close they’d for sure roll off. They were both full grown adults, they could handle sharing a bed without making it weird. But wait, Benrey wasn’t human so…

“You’re an adult, right?” Gordon asked as stepped out of the bathroom, wearing the pajamas he’d bought from himself earlier.

Benrey looked up from where he sat on the chair by the window. “Uh… why you asking?”

“Just you know, you’re not human so I figured maybe you’re in like a larval stage or something and you’re gonna one day make yourself a cocoon and transform into something more monstrous. Like how caterpillars turn into butterflies or whatever.” Or like he had in Xen but more permanent.

“Nah… I don’t think I can cocoon myself. Though I guess I’ve never thought about it before. I could try it.”

“I’d prefer if you didn’t. I mostly just want to know if you’re a child or adolescent version of whatever you are. I’ve been assuming you’re an adult this whole time but like, I don’t even know what you are and neither do you apparently so I could be wrong.”

“I’m full-grown. Or uh… full-grown in that sense. I can physically grow bigger, just don’t want to.” Great so he had no excuse for acting like an immature little brat at times. Except he still did because he’d been raised in a lab as a science experiment. Probably no one had ever bothered to try to teach him how to behave and thus even now as an adult he had no idea how to properly interact with others. That didn’t mean Gordon had to like him or forgive him but it was another good reason be the bigger man and not let Benrey get under his skin anymore. And so…

“Good, great. That means we can both be mature adults about his sharing a bed situation. There doesn’t have to be anything weird or uncomfortable about it. We were too tired to discuss or even think about it last night so let’s do this now. You sleep on one side of the bed and I sleep on the other and we don’t touch, got it? I request the side closest to the door.” That way if anything tried to attack through the window, he could make a run for the exit. Though, probably an attack was more likely from the door so maybe window side was better. It’d be easier to get cornered there though so actually…

“Oh, I thought you liked touching.”

Gordon flinched out of his thoughts as he looked over at Benrey again. “What made you think that?”

“You slept in the middle last night.” He stood to walk over and point to said middle. “Made it hard to join you without touching so I thought you did it on purpose ‘cause you wanted to touch.”

“No, I just wasn’t thinking.” That at least explained why they’d woken up so close. “Sorry, I guess. But we’re on the same page now though, right? No touching.”

“Lame bro, that sucks. But fine, whatever, no touching.” He genuinely sounded disappointed.

“Why is that lame?” And should Gordon really ask? It was too late now though, his bad tendency to speak before thinking coming back to bite him again.

“You’re warm. It feels nice.”

Oh, that wasn’t so bad. A bit weird but not anything super creepy like Gordon had feared. “All right, uh… good night then.” He turned off the lights and got into bed, staying just far enough way from the edge for there to be only little danger of rolling off in the middle of the night.

Chapter Four:

[tanadrin]

"fairly suicidal" anon again. This kind of got away from me and ended up significantly longer than intended. Apologies for that, and if it's too long/involved/whatever to read that's genuinely totally fine. (Which is to say: please do not think you have some kind of obligation or I will be Extra Suicidal if you don't respond or whatever. I've got at least a couple more years or one more massive life-wrecking trauma left in me.)

I think your response is pretty typical of people who are, at baseline, pretty happy and optimistic, and I'm sure there are people who haven't heard its like before and would benefit from it, but.... let's be honest that's kind of a generic autocomplete response, and in my experience it tends to come from people who can't or don't really model serious depression well. My model of the perspective you are coming from is something like: It would be terrible for the things I'm saying to be true, and they don't feel true to you, so surely they must not be true for anyone-- you don't want the world to be one where those things are true, and sometimes they are untrue, so, therefore, they're probably untrue basically all the time forever. Unfortunately. I'm aware that 40 years is a decent length of time. I'm aware that my perspective is fallible and limited-- this is the primary reason why I haven't seriously tried to kill myself!. However, looking at how the past 30+ years have gone does not fill me with optimism. In particular the past 15 or so years, where I've technically had the most autonomy, I just kind of... barely existed. I am still trying things to get out of the hole but this really could easily just continue until I die. It is an extremely possible outcome that I spend my entire life wishing it was either worth living or over already, and eventually it reaches "over already." I kept expecting that I'd surely snap out of it eventually, year after year, no one can spend that long in this kind of state, right? And then 15 years passed and I simply did not. It is not unrealistic to believe that that could happen 3 more times.

"Every day you are alive in the world, you have the opportunity to find pleasure" rings really hollow when my physiological capacity to experience pleasure and happiness is extremely minimal and has been tangibly shrinking for as long as I've been a conscious human being. It feels tone-deaf. I know what my baseline looks like. It is not good. If I was guaranteed to die tomorrow, then having lived my life will have unequivocally been worse for me than not having lived it at all, and it will have been objectively a mistake that I didn't pull the plug when I was 12 and first having suicidal thoughts.

If, upon turning 80, I figured out how to have a life that was just barely worth living, and then died a year later, that does not actually undo the years of unhappiness before that, and that is still a life that was, on net, not worth living.

My impression is that people coming from your perspective have brains that just fully shut down when considering this prospect-- that you fall into the trap where you believe that even one second of a-life-worth-living is worth any amount of suffering endured to get to that point. It might help to imagine a person who experiences one single year of a life worth living, followed by 80 years of a life full of incredible misery, and then dies.

The me who exists now matters; the hypothetical-unlikely-certainly-not-guaranteed future version of myself who is marginally glad they exist doesn't just automatically get to trump all of that just because that's sad to think about.

Yes, there is no one life "track" but there certainly are circumstances more or less prone to granting happiness-predicting things like enough money to live on, autonomy, fulfillment, etc. Again, there is no rule saying this current status of being perpetually unable to get my feet under me has to end. I have spent the actual majority of my life like this.

Being unable to get a job that pays enough to live on without also making me want to die (more) does in fact hinge pretty strongly on being able to get that special insanely expensive little piece of paper. It is the cost of entry for the vast majority of non-horrible jobs, that is just what the system looks like in the US. (please do not tell me "oh just learn to code!" If I was capable of doing that I would have done it). The material conditions of my life obviously aren't that bad in objective terms given that I'm capable of using my time to send messages on the internet (if they were much worse I would have pulled the plug years ago) so it feels meaningful that I still manage to be so miserable despite that, and plausible that improving them would not help even if it were possible.

There just... there is actually such a thing as a downward spiral where the baseline becomes worse and incremental improvements become progressively harder and more fleeting, as much as it is sad to think about. Sometimes you accumulate damage and get both farther from your goal and worse at making progress towards it, and it just keeps happening. The brain is a physical object that can, sometimes, Just Get Worse. One instance of trauma can make it harder to recover from the next instance of trauma that comes along, and so on. I am still trying, clearly, and I'm clinging to the idea that lots of weird unexpected stuff can happen, but "just hope for a miracle to happen such that these patterns completely reverse against all odds" is... at minimum that's a huge ask. Please recognize it for what it is.

I'm not really looking for answers or anything here (I wasn't before either tbc, I just thought it was interesting how different my opinion apparently was compared with other extremely depressed people), but I tend to really chafe at what feels like clueless forced positivity from people who Really Don't Seem To Get It, and I hope this information will, idk, provide a potentially novel perspective. Or maybe it won't! Sorry again that it was so long.

i've spent a big chunk of my life dealing with depression. i know it pretty well actually. and if i've won any insight from that, it's that in depression we very often exactly misconstrue the causal axis of our thoughts. we think things like, "i am worthless -> therefore i am depressed." but our feelings shape how we think about ourselves and the world; even things which seem like incontrovertible and inarguably facts turn out to be a product of our rumination: "i was depressed -> therefore i felt worthless."

i know this feels like a platitude. i know when you are depressed saying something like "nobody is worthless" or "it's never too late" feels like somebody blowing rainbows up your ass, some hippy dippy shit that doesn't mean anything. but as someone who has frequently felt worthless, and has frequently felt that they have fucked up their life beyond repair, who has seen other people going through it and come out the other side, i'm telling you: as a matter of both personal experience and accumulated knowledge about the world, "nobody is worthless" and "it is never too late" is not a platitude. it is a rational, reasoned judgement i have been won over to, and which i am totally convinced of. i offer it, not as a panacaea (we cannot reason ourselves or be cajoled out of depression; the thoughts are subsequent to the feelings!), but as (hopefully) the very mildest of analgesics.

i'm not a negative utilitarian. i don't think you can take all the bad and good things that happen to a person, assign them a numerical score, and subtract one from the other to determine whether their life was worth it after all. reading about rare medical abnormalities on wikipedia is itself sufficient to convince one there are certainly short lives full of nothing but pain. and observing people dying of degenerative diseases is enough to why there are points at which people make the rational decision not to continue living. but i also know that there are people who have convinced themselves their life is not worth living, because the pain of allowing themselves to be hopeful again, only to have to deal with crushing disappointment, makes it more reassuring to abandon hope altogether. and i have known people so trapped in the teeth of their suffering, they are unable even to do the one thing that may bring them some relief, until they make the conscious choice to believe that that feeling of despair is not in fact a reliable guide to truth.

we prefer certainty to hope; the sure knowledge we are doomed is often cognitively a lighter load than the uncertain possibility of future happiness. but i think it's worth it to keep hope alive. not because i am a sunny optimist who has never felt miserable, but because i have lost days, weeks, months, years to the blackest despair. i have spent many an hour carefully ruminating on the very clear and inarguably true things that made me feel that way, carefully laying out why life was not worth living and maybe never would be, specifically debunking all the bullshit people told me to try to counsel me out of my depression. and that feeling that was ironclad certainty in my mind at the time is, looking back, like a fading mirage. one should always at least consider the possibility that what feels to us like an immutable truth of our life is less substantial than it seems.

[coq-courage]

What are you most excited about that's coming up in your au's? I like your rabbit Marc a lot.

awwww thaaaaank ye i love Wonderland a lot too

uhhh lets see, in my AU's....

well today i was mostly messing with my akuma city one, but since we both like Wondieboi, lemme tell you about my current block with his story

okay so, i am torn in which direction i wanna take it, that is legitimately the only reason i haven't posted more about him, and considering he's a rabbit i could technically just like, do every route, show every possibility

A Few Choice Endings Below Read More

Really Happy Go Lucky Ending: Marc returns to his little parisian suburban cottage and forgives Nath for hiding things, they cancel the divorce, they live happily ever after....... its nice but like, it's not much of a story, its more of an already healed story and those are short and sweet

More Realistic But Still In The End Happy Ending: Marc returns after he calms down and they try to talk things out but he can't help but get angry again because he lost. his. sister. (non biological) because of Nath's inaction. And maybe there's a hatefuck or a crying fucking and they're just messy and all that. That's a good story, it's a relatable one (if you ignore the magic), you could include rebuilding of the world in there since ya know, no ladybug, could even throw a funeral if i wanted. This could easily turn into any ship.

Also More Realistic But In The End an UNhappy Ending: He doesn't calm down first. He throws the rings, he has a good cry in the burrow, and he's right back seconds later Nath's time, starting a fight immediately because how DARE you hold something so secret when you knew all of his secrets, how dare you not tell him when something was going on that he could have prevented. This story would hurt and you would enjoy it. Again, any ship possible. Could become a toxic yaoi with nath offering anything and everything to make marc feel better, could end with marc deciding he needed to turn his hate to marinette's actual killer, adrien, whom he's always had a crush on but never acted on because marinette had shown interest once

Much Less Realistic Version With Major Misunderstandings But Inevitably Happy Ending: Marc takes plenty of time to calm down and give nath time to calm down and a few months later, after running around timelines and worlds trying to find some joy, he returns to their cottage and he's ready to talk and he sees a small child in the garden and the child looks at him, brown hair, turns around and calls "Daddy! There's a bunny in the garden!" and Marc looks in the direction they called and sees a shock of red hair and he remembers his hair is black and yes Nath is trans but he had very clearly told him No Children once and Wonderland runs before Nath can get closer and he could see that it's an older Nath and he got out too far in the future. That would be a story of figuring out misunderstandings had happened, forgiveness had happened. It would be fun and you'd want to strangle the lad but its okay, he'll get there eventually.

And then....

My Realism Be Damned This WIll Be Unhappy For The Sake Of Ending: this is where I would introduce his evil rabbit self, a right and total bastard that well, you see.... at the end of the posted ficlet, bunny!Marc had THREE (and a half) Miraculous on him.

Rabbit

Black Cat

Half a Ladybug earring...

and the Butterfly.

The Mad Hatter is a Rabbit + Butterfly duo and I can easily edit his timeline to let him have the Cat too. Just imagine the destruction he could create

And his only goal? Destroy everything after taking everything from Nath, everything he ever loved or will love, and go back through his timeline from childhood on and just ruin him

All while working with older Mad Hatters, up until the oldest Mad Hatter. Presumably his plan works and the universe is destroyed and that's why there's no Mad Hatter older than a specific age

I've actually written quite a bit on this one if ya want?

[stevethehairington]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

i was tagged by @scimitar-and-longsword, ty Lolo for the tag!! 💕

How many works do you have on ao3? 118

What's your total ao3 word count? 667,938

What fandoms do you write for? the most recent fandom i've written for and posted for is stranger things, and i am still writing for it! i have also recently been dipping my toes into writing for both the terror and challengers (though i have not posted anything ~officially~ for either yet)

Top five fics by kudos:

good for my boy - steddie; wayne pov, the first time wayne meets steve! | 4,4,564 kudos

can't hide the way you make us glow - steddie; sequel to good for my boy, also wayne pov, this time how wayne finds out steve and eddie are together | 3,154 kudos

i want to hold your hand - steddie; steve has a crush on eddie and really reaaallly wants to hold his hand | 2,361 kudos

sloe gin fizzy, do it till you're dizzy - steddie; steve and eddie make a habit of getting high together... and also making out | 2,204 kudos

the world will follow after - steddie; steve accidentally kisses eddie on his way out the door | 2,000 kudos

Do you respond to comments? yes!!! i'll admit, i'm suuuper behind on this (a combination of being ridiculously busy and not having my laptop for a hot minute) but i absolutely do respond to every comment at some point! the way i see it is if you're kind enough to take the time to say something nice i'm gonna take the time to say thanks!

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? ooh angstiest ending? i fear i end all of my fics happy haha, but i suppose... well, i suppose keep you on a rope would fit the bill. this one is my tommy pov hs reunion fic, and tommy sees steve happy with eddie and then goes home drunk and upset soooo yeah that's a pretty unhappy ending for him lol.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? god, like everything else i've ever written?? lmfaoooo. i truly don't have one specific answer here because ALL my fics are happy endings if i can help it.

Do you get hate on fics? nah. i've gotten like a couple dumb comments before but they haven't been like mean outright hate or anything. i hope to keep it that way!

Do you write smut? hah, so, technically yes. but it's been a REAL hot minute, and every time i've tried to write smut recently i feel like i just get so stuck with it and then give up. soooooo.

Craziest crossover: i Do Not Like crossover fics so none! lol

Have you ever had a fic stolen? ummmm, i don't think so?

Have you ever had a fic translated? i've had a couple people ask before, but honestly idk if they ever actually did? so maybe lol

Have you ever co-written a fic before? i've tried! several times! but the, like, motivation/inspiration for those fics sort of fizzled out before they could be finished, so nothing has ever been posted.

All time favorite ship? oh man!!! this is a hard question!!!! because like, my favorite ship is obviously going to be the one i'm most invested in at the moment, but like i do still hold a very special place in my heart for the ships of the past i've fallen out of the fandoms for.

the current ships i'm coo coo for cocoa puffs over at the moment are steddie, fitzier, and tashi/art/patrick (honestly do not know what the "official" ship name for them is lol)

but if i had to pick my favorite out of all the ships ive ever written for... man i think i have to go with stucky!! there's just something about that ship that reaaaaally hits, and even though i don't really write for it anymore, just thinking about it makes me go bananas and feel so much, so yeah, stucky my beloveds.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? HAH okay i have an answer for this one: my steddie two night stand au!!!!! it was going to be my fic for the steddie big bang but i had to drop out of that bc irl got in the way, but i have like. at least half of the fic written already and a solid plan for the rest and i was totally loving what i had for it, and ive been DYING to write a two night stand for literally any fandom i've ever been in so i REALLY want to finish this one at some point... i hope i will!!!

What are your writing strengths? i would probably say my characterization!!! i try really really hard with that and i've gotten lots of comments that have pointed this out specifically, which makes me extra proud!

What are your writing weaknesses? i feel like sometimes when i get too in my head about things i end up, like, getting kind of repetitive, like i'll start using "smile" or describing eyes too much lol. i always try to like fix this when i edit before posting, but it's definitely something i notice myself doing.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? i don't really have an opinion on this, like, whatever fits your fic best, so long as there's a translation somewhere that is easily accessible to the reader!

First fandom you wrote in? skam!!

Favorite fic you've written? oooh okay. i think i'm either going to go with keep me on a rope or under my umbrella!!

i'm going to tag: @withacapitalp @steddielations @henderdads @stevesbipanic @greenlikethesea @toburnup @thefreakandthehair @heybluechild @steddieasitgoes and anyone else that wants to do this!!

[cha-melodius]

20 questions for fic writers

Thank you @rmd-writes, @welcometololaland, @liminalmemories21, and @orchidscript for tagging me! How did you know I love random questionaires about my fic writing. 😂

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

109! I celebrated hitting 100 recently (technically still celebrating, I suppose).

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,220,396. I had a goal to hit 1 million before the end of last year, and somehow I've written 220k since then???? Howmst?

3. What fandoms do you write for?

RWRB, TMFU, Loki

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Please Don't Let Me Be So Understood (RWRB, E, 20k; couples therapy AU)

Nova, Baby (RWRB, E, 66k; spy AU)

Class(room) Warfare (RWRB, M, 7.8k; professors AU)

All the Old Showstoppers (RWRB, E, 20k; celebrity bake off AU)

Always Where I Need To Be (RWRB, T, 5.4k; roomates AU feat. David)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do but I am now horribly behind because y'all are so lovely and I am a little overwhelmed. I like to respond because people took the time to leave a comment and I want them to know how much that means to me (it's a lot. it means a LOT). I promised I WILL get to them eventually!!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Definitely Who's Gonna Love You (The Mandalorian), which is a no-comfort breakup angst fic. I wrote it after having my heart ripped out by reading two unhappy ending fics lmao. Have never gone back to the truly unhappy ending again. (I have done some bittersweet or ambiguous ending fics, but those don't reach this level.)

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of my fics have quite happy endings, but I don't think you can beat a fluffy ending at the end of a long fic. I often go for the chapter full of pure, tooth-rotting fluff (after tearing your heart out lmao). That means Nova, Baby, Love is a Losing Game, A Good Man Is Hard To Find, Amor Magnus Doctor Est... probably the most pure fluff at the end.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've had some here and there. One particular person who just kept coming back and I'm like just stop reading????

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do, but when it comes to one shots I'm probably more likely to leave it out. My smut always comes with plot and/or lots of feelings. I like writing it best as part of a larger story, actually.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I haven't for a while but I have two requests I need to fill. Previous crossovers have been The Mandalorian/Battlestar Galactica (because badass ladies named Cara/Kara), and The Mandalorian/The Witcher (because surly dudes with accidentally adopted children). Oh I guess my most recent was TMFU/Glass Onion (because Hugh Grant).

(If you're wondering what the requests are, it's TMFU/Loki and TMFU/RWRB.)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I’m aware of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yup! Four fics, all TMFU (three by the same person). I am always happy to grant permission!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I've got plans with @cricketnationrise.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Can't choose! I love all the ships I write for—that's why I can't stop.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I don't think I have one of these. I have one abandoned WIP that I've anon'd because I hate it lmao. Generally if I want to finish something, I will.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Plot (I unabashedly love many of my plot twists), action sequences, dialogue/banter, world building, characterization?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Although it should be straightforward because see: action, I feel like my smut is kind of lackluster. Sometimes I hit the notes just right and it really works, but other times I feel like people just get bored.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I'm unlikely to do it unless I have a native speaker I can run it by (I have some wonderful Russian friends who have been vital for this for some TMFU fics).

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Xena: Warrior Princess

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

I will scream about this one until the end of time, especially since it's relatively low kudos'd: the 60s chess AU, Love is a Losing Game. It's my most complete and well-structured novel, and I promise you don't need to know anything about TMFU to read it.

Tagging @cricketnationrise, @14carrotghoul, @inexplicablymine, @cheesecurdsgravyandfries, @three-drink-amy, @petrodobreva, @myheartalivewrites, @nontoxic-writes, @leaves-of-laurelin, @tintagel-or-cockleshells, @celaestis1, @xthelastknownsurvivorx, @nicijones, @thetamehistorian, @jettestar, @ikeepwatchinghelicopters, @heytheredeann, @loki-is-my-kink-awakening, @mirilyawrites, @dewdropreader and an open tag for anyone who wants to do it! (sorry if you get multiple tags on this one, tumblr was being a bitch)

[starlightiing]

Could you put together a top 5 or even top 3 drivers and why?

I - like my opinion I guess, obviously? I'm not sure I could narrow my faves down to three or even to five but I can try. I'm going to do top 6 I think. That would fit better for me.

George Russell

Alex Albon

Pierre Gasly

Lando Norris

Oscar Piastri

Charles Leclerc

I don't really know if that's THE order because it changes around a lot. But...Those are my top six for sure. The why's are really silly and not technical and probably useless to explain but George for me is a world championship contender (not this year) but in general, in a good car. He has so much untapped potential we've not even seen yet. He's ambitious without being a cunt (some people think he's a cunt, idk, I don't see it), his heart is on his sleeve openly and proudly and I love that for him/about him. Show me more emotional men in sports pls. He has the talent, the drive, the ability - but not the car. I could see George, if put in a competitive car again, world champ in a few years really.

Alex is an AMAZING driver. Yadda yadda, he crashed 2x, yadda yadda, Williams, yadda yadda el oh el chassis, blah blah blah. I don't really want to hear all that when you look at the car he's stuck with. That kid can drive, he wasn't BAD with Red Bull he just wasn't up to their standards, but you put him back in a car like that and give him a year or two and he's there. I will never not talk about Alex's talent. He is incredible and I hate to say it but it is simply this: no one does well in that Williams car. He also needs to come out into a better team, better car, and start working his way up to where he can be comfortable driving with the big teams.

Pierre is another one with untapped potential. His story is tragic and I don't like to talk about him too long because it makes me sick. He himself I'm sure is just fine and having a great time and doesn't need/want defending, but I don't like it. I see it in him, that passion is so strong I can feel it radiating off of him. People don't like him because he's been bitchy and unhappy recently but can you blame him? Look what he's got to work with. He's a race winner and he's stuck back of the pack in a car that looked so goddamn promising when he signed his contract and ended up eating absolute dogshit. You can say Red Bull gave him a chance and they did (sort of), and maybe they were right in saying he wasn't ready for THAT just yet - but he is SO much better than where he is right now and has fought so much harder and gone through so much, and he deserves to be in a car that fights as hard as his heart does. Period. I could easily see him being in a place where Lando is right now, in a decent car.

Lando and Oscar I just think are good. Period. Lando has his moments where he chokes and I think people are really, really hard on him for it but I'd really love to see them hop in a car and do what he does :) Things happen. Literally all you have to do is accidentally turn the wheel a little more than you planned (which we've all done in our regular cars, I'm CERTAIN) but going as fast as he is, that can be a catastrophic mistake. That's the pressure they're all under, and they all make mistakes. And Lando is a nervous little bunny sometimes, so I think that doesn't help, but the point still stands: they all make mistakes. Lando gets too much shit for his, period. He's a fantastic driver. Oscar is incredibly talented - without even bringing up his age, because I feel like it's backhanded "wow he's great for his age" nah mate he's just great. He's working his way up and doing really really well and just getting better and better. He's a strong competitor, don't sleep on him.

I think we all know about Charles Leclerc's ability and potential, his heart, his passion, what fuels him and what his team does to him. I don't think I need to deep dive too far into this one. Loyal to a fault, gets his own heart broken too much by bad calls - but probably one of the most razor fast reflexes on the grid and overflowing in natural talent. And he's not a dick, which we love. Please don't confuse "sometimes being a dick" with being a dick overall as a person - they are not the same thing. I am sometimes a bitch, I am not a bitch as a whole. He can and hopefully will world champ before George.

[kuu-stuff]

26 November 2024

After taking a long break I'm finally getting slowly back to the grind. Since it's been a little while, I'm re-reading "This time I can share it with you" from the start and AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH This is always so embarrassing to read my own comics, it's the hardest part of my work process and usually I do it rarely, so when I'm facing it, all that goes in my head is "I can't believe I published thattt" and I end up having to read the same part 3 times because I keep being distracted by my embrassement.

Until now I pretty much drew it by following my notes, but now that I have a TON more notes, I need to start structuring it correctly, so I got a folder to sketch all my notes in order and come up with scenes to hold them. I wanted to finish my analysis of Silas first but I'm getting quite flustered at the idea as well. So I wrote key points and going out of that for now. I suppose that I will never be completely happy about my portrayal of him so I shouldn't sweat it like that... Well I hope you can enjoy it anyway, if you read that comic. ✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰ I spent almost 3 full weeks doing nothing. I drew a few small things here and there but I haven't trained like I said I would... But my mind was really filled to the brim and I needed to think about something else for a little while. I hope that I will be able to get back to it at a good tempo like before. I don't want to spend too much time recovering from my break... I need to remember that what is important is the story, not the art.

I had the same issue for Contained. I tried to work on it for the past two weeks but I was so unhappy just sketching my first panels that I ended up just dropping it... I need to relax a little more about all that. I know that cool art is important but second guessing myself at every picture is what took me 6 years to finish 7 small chapters ... It's not like I'm writing Berserk... it's just a cringe fanfic at the end of the day. Same for "This time [...]" I just can't help but to put so much importance on it because it's pretty much the only thing I have and I want it to be perfect like if it's my only legacy. Technically it is, even if it's kind of pathetic to admit... But an unfinished story is way worse that a badly finished one.

✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰

I don't know what's up with my brain. If it's the old age kicking in or if I spend too much time on Youtube, but I can't focus as well as before. I was so worried that I started to play that DS game to train your brain again. But at my surprise, my results were way better than they used to... So I don't understand... I even noticed writing letters in the wrong order, on keyboards and on paper. I feel like I just need to stay away from my pc more during the day but not only I'm bored to death faster than before, I notice every little noises from outside or from the fan or downstairs or whatever and it drives me crazy. But even just listening to music is enough to have the same effect of overfilling my brain to the point I can barely think. Sadly in this area there is no way to escape the noise of the road, people mowing all day long and random machines starting up randomly. There is no tranquility, and it's full of mosquitoes. Maybe that's the thing. Lack of silence. I know that I could get noise cancelling headphones and that's why I wear mine all the time, but I don't want this kind of silence. Like ... fake silence. I just want to feel like I'm at peace in this world. I want to keep hearing sounds of nature, maybe some human sounds, but not like this. Americans have it so bad and they don't even know it, tragic.

[burninglesbian]

Spoilers Episode 8. You know what scene.

This will be a long one, I think. And maybe a controversial one, who knows. So buckle up.

Izzy's death was necessary for Ed's happy ending. It may shouldn't have happened now and not the way it did but his death was inevitable. I knew it from the end of season one, I knew it from the start of season two, I was hoping it wouldn't happen in season two but I knew it would have to happen at some point.

Blackbeard is the antagonistic force of the show. Not Edward himself but the legend. It's making Ed unhappy and it's torturing everyone around him (both metaphorically and literally). And at the end of the day Ed is the main character so it's clear that he will get his happy ending. And his happy ending is getting rid of Blackbeard forever. Izzy is too heavily linked to Blackbeard. He was Blackbeard. Like He said, "Blackbeard was us. You and Me." Blackbeard was Edward Teach and Izzy Hands. And now Izzy Hands is gone and so is Blackbeard. They buried Blackbeard with him. Ed is free. And he can now get his happy ending.

I have mixed feelings about his death. Like I said, I totally understand that Izzy needed to die. However, I don't like the way how he died. And I think it was too early.

Let's start with why it was too early.

I understand that David Jenkins was/is worried about not getting a third season and wanted to give the story a nice finish in season 2. However, I think it was a bit too much of the good thing. Because I genuinly can't think of a way the third season could play out and still be linked to the other two seasons. The main antagonist is gone. Yeah, that bitch Ricky is still out there and all. But as I mentioned, Blackbeard was the main antagonist. Blackbeard is dead. Ed has his happy ending, being free of the legend and piracy itself, having the chance to live a normal life with his lover. Where do we go from here? Why should we go anywhere from here? We got what we were building up to from the very first moment we met Ed. But we got it too early. If Izzy were still here in a third season then there would still be a reason for Blackbeard to be there and we could have more moments about Ed relapsing or struggling. The drama! You know, the good stuff. Of course, technically that could still happen in season 3 but it would make everything we got in this episode feel unearned.

Another thing I didn't like was the way he died. Instead of a heroic sacrifice it was an accident. Izzy's arc went from hating the crew to loving and protecting the crew with all his heart. Going from tormenting them to sacrificing himself for them would've felt nicer. Izzy's arc went from being annoyed at Ed being vulnerable to understanding and seeing Ed as he truly is. Protecting Ed when he can't do it himself for a moment would've felt earned. Izzy's arc went from hating Stede to seeing Stede as an equal and sees him as Ed's ticket to happiness. Jumping in front of a bullet for him would've proved that he puts Ed's well being over his own. Or anything more heroic than what we got.

Now enough of the bad stuff, let's get one thing out: The leading up to that moment wasn't ideal but the moment itself was everything I could've wished for. It was beautifully shot, beautifully acted and most of all beautifully written.

Let's remember where we started with. Izzy was the antagonist of the story; the villian, even. He was mean, cruel and hateful towards anything soft and open. Stede's gentle way of piracy, Lucius' open sexuality, Ed's sentimental self. In season 2 Izzy has suffered a lot. Like, a fucking lot! And he deserved the apology he got just like he deserved the love he got. However, we shall not forget why everything went to shit to beginn with.

"This is Blackbeard. Not some namby-pamby [...] pining for his boyfriend." And when he made Ed angry enough to snap, he was enjoying what he was seeing. Blackbeard was so important to him that he was gleefull to see the soft and gentle man turn violent in an instant.

"There he is."

Izzy was cruel to Edward. Edward was cruel to Izzy. Izzy got his apology. And for a while I was scared that this was it. Izzy got to move on from the cruelness he experienced at the hand of Edward but we all seem to forget that Izzy should apologize, too. Turned out, all I had to do is wait.

In Izzy's last moments he begs Ed to stay with him. He's bleeding out and he knows that he's done for. So he begs Ed to stay so he can apologize. He starts out with a simple and earnest "I am sorry." And what follows is beauty.

Blackbeard was created by the both of them. Both of them are Blackbeard. But they didn't create him for fame and reputation. They built him as a protective cloak against the cruelness of the world. Ed had gotten tired of wearing that cloak, Ed had wanted to see the world behind their protective wall and be himself. But Izzy was scared and forced him to stay put. Izzy made Ed miserable to protect both of them. And in return it turned Blackbeard against them.

Blackbeard became a bigger threat to them than help. And the cruelness Blackbeard was supposed to protect them from wasn't so bad once you had people by your side. Family that is soft and gentle and protects each other. Izzy wanted Blackbeard to go.

Izzy had wounded Ed badly, to the point where he thought Ed was gone entirely. That Ed was gone and he was only a shell that wore Blackbeard's face.

Ed used to have people who were ready to protect him from the cruelness of the world because of love. They hated Blackbeard for understandable reasons. But they knew Ed as well. And they love Ed. Izzy knew that.

"Just be Ed."

After those words Ed breaks into sobbing. Ed was there, alive and strong.

"You're born alone, you die alone."

That's the mind-set pirates grew up in. But Izzy wasn't alone. He was surrounded by a crew that became like a family to him. And he was in the arms of the person he cared about the most. Ed was crying, shaking and being the most vulnerable we've ever seen him. Something that Blackbeard never would've done. And in his finale breaths Izzy raises his hand and strokes the soft, teary face one last time and with so much love he gives us a parallel that shows us how much he has grown as a character.

"There he is."

[sproutwings]

20 Questions for Fic Writers!

The lovely @crestfallercanyon tagged me for this weeks ago, and I haven't been ignoring it - I just didn't get around to it sooner. Sorry!

How many works do you have on AO3? 380 (382, technically, because two are still anon/unrevealed exchange works.)

What’s your total A03 word count? 1,123,214

What fandoms do you write for? Currently, mostly DCU, The Flash and a bunch of tiny fandoms, but I've been writing fanfic for ages, so I went through quite a few fandoms.

What are your top five fics by kudos?

a) cut me open, take my heart (DCU, JayTim, 1744 kudos) b) A Bird in the Hand (DCU, Dickstroke, 1694 kudos) c) Hook(er), Line and Sinker (The Flash, Coldflash, 1586 kudos) d) No Shortage of Blood (Original Works, Starving Vampire/Vampire Hunter Having A Moral Crisis, 1453 kudos) e) Portrait of the Artist as a Middle-Aged Man (Gossip Girl, Dan/Blair/Chuck, 1149 kudos)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I always try to, but sometimes it takes a while to get around to it. /o\

What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I have no idea. I used to write a lot of angsty stuff back when I was younger but the older I get the more I gravitate towards fics that leave the characters in a... well, maybe not necessarily in a good place exactly, because I tend to ship a lot of dysfunctional ships and write unhealthy relationship dynamics, but I don't want the characters to feel hopeless and unhappy in the end, so even when they're in a bad situation, they're making the best out of it.

A very old, very angsty fic of mine is Too Close To Touch (Harry Potter, various permutations of Draco, Harry and Hermione). I don't know if it's the angstiest overall, but it occasionally still gets comments so it's fresh in my mind despite having been written almost two decades ago.

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh no, this is similarly hard to answer. Maybe Throw Away the Plan (The Flash, Coldwestallen)? Most of my endings seem to be "the main conflict of the story is dealt with, the ship kisses and things are okay-ish for now". 🙃

Do you get hate on your fic? Maybe once or twice, but nothing dramatic or memorable, luckily enough.

Do you write smut? Sometimes.

Do you write crossovers? No.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Yes! Someone copied a few of my fics word by word, replaced the names and posted them as Kpop RPS. D: D: D: I got the author to take them down, but they did it with a lot of people's fics and eventually AO3 banned them.

Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes, a few! I blanket allow translations, as long as they're credited properly and not posted anywhere but AO3.

Have you ever co-written a fic? Yes, but it was a really long time ago, and coordinating was pretty stressful. I prefer to work on my own schedule.

What‘s your all-time favourite ship? Noooo, don't make me choose. I love so many ships! If I absolutely had to pick one, it would be Tommy/Bubonic from Eye Candy, but it mostly depends on what I'm in the mood for right in that moment.

What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? There's Coldflash BDSM fic based on a long-forgotten Tumblr prompt I would have loved to write one day, but it would be far longer than anything I'm comfortable writing and it's only 'in progress' in so far that I have a few dialogue snippets from it written down yet.

What’s your writing strengths? Character voices and snappy banter, probably.

What’s your writing weaknesses? Plot!!!! As you can see by every fic I've written where the characters get captured or attacked by some nameless villain for nebulous reasons. I always handwave stuff like that because I simply can't bring myself to care about it or put any thought into it. 😅 Sorry!

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? As a reader, It always throws me out of the story. :(

First fandom you wrote for? The X-Files! Mulder/Krycek was teenage Sandrine's first fanfic obsession. (Though technically, I wrote terrible Star Wars and The Three Musketeers fic long before I knew what fanfic was! But I've decided that doesn't count. 😅)

Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

(never been) so much at stake (OW, Vampire Moonlighting As A Barista/Exhausted Vampire Hunter In Search Of Caffeine) is probably the best, but The Biggest Score of All (The Flash, Coldflash) has my heart!

I'm supposed to tag people here, and I'm terrible at this, so @waysheswings, @sunherirai, @moriavis, @zeroducks-2, @hithelleth, @elasticella - if you want to do this, consider yourself tagged and if you want to ignore it, pretend I never mentioned your name. And anyone else who sees this and wants to answer, you're also tagged! Yes, I mean YOU. :D

[thatoneguy56fanfic]

Would love some commentary on Chapter 1 of "Starting Over"--

“Before you go, I have a request.” Asami said, slowly. Korra scoffed. “I know, I don’t have any right to ask for anything from you right now. But I wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t important.”

“Fine, what is it?” Korra sighed.

“If you do confront Kuvira, knowing you as well as I do, that isn’t an ‘if’ but a ‘when’. Just, please don’t blame her.” Asami continued with determination in her eyes. “This is my fault, not hers. I didn’t even tell her that I was dating anyone. I know it’s a lot to ask, but please just try.”

“I can’t promise anything.” Korra replied, as she got to her feet. A dull thud filled the air suddenly, which made them both look down. The small wooden box that had been in Korra’s pocket had fallen to the floor, and opened. Asami gasped when she spotted its contents. Korra bent down to pick up the betrothal necklace from where it had fallen. It was made of a small blue stone, which hung on a golden chain. The stone had both the Future Industries half-gear logo, as well as the symbol for the Southern Water Tribe carved into it.

She and Asami stared at each other in silence, as Korra held the item in her hand.

This was a good pick. I really love this fic, I know I’m probably biased since I wrote it, but it’s honestly just been a fun ride to write. Also fun fact: this fic was actually born from spite. There was a particularly zealous Korrasami fan who had been very unhappy with me because of the fact that I ship Korvira. So one of my friends suggested that I write a Korrasami breakup fic that ends with Korvira. So I did, and I’m glad that I took his advice. Sure I still had to deal with the “fan” but the amount of positive feedback I’ve gotten on this fic has been incredible.

Now as for what the characters were thinking in this moment:

Korra: Is very confused. She genuinely believed that her relationship with Asami was still going good. Sure, they had some issues, but they’d find a way to deal with them together. So Asami’s confession was a total shock to her system. In this particular moment, she was also concerned that Asami had lied and there was something going on between her and Kuvira other than just a one night stand. Korra is actually kind of embarrassed when the betrothal necklace fell out of her pocket. She’d forgotten about it until that moment, and it just served as a reminder that she had wrongly assumed that her relationship was okay.

Asami: She’s feeling all kinds of horrible. She knows what she did was wrong and she hates herself for doing it. But she can’t deny that it felt kinda good too. Which just makes her feel even worse. In this moment she’s feeling incredibly guilty for dragging Kuvira into her relationship drama. Which is why she asks Korra to try and not blame Kuvira, since she’s technically innocent in this situation. And when she spots the betrothal necklace, it just makes her so much worse.

For the wording in this scene, I tried to add another layer of emotional heaviness to the chapter. I knew that the betrothal necklace was going to come up somehow, I just hadn’t figured out how yet. But then I realized that Korra probably would’ve forgotten about it because of Asami’s revelation. Which is why I decided to just have it fall out of her pocket. The necklace falling was also meant to symbolize the end of their relationship.

Thanks for the ask!

Send me a snippet of one of my fics and I’ll tell you about it.