#i feel completely fine about that situation now im so chill its great

[humanteethmarksonhumanbone]

nap fixed all my problems

i dont know how but it did

[suffarustuffaru]

Scrolling through your blog is such a fun experience, you bring an absolutely great vibe to this fandom and I love it SO MUCH. Could even say you restored my hope in it, since there has been some aspects that made me force myself to leave it, and I hope me bringing one of them up here won't upset anyone.

Now I completely understand if you wish to not answer my ask, but I figured it's worth a shot. So, one of said aspects was a controversy regarding one of the rezero characters that made me feel like you can't mention them without being called names (mostly on tiktok, but other social media also, tho not as much).

Yeah I'm talking about Felix. I'm not transphobic by any means, and I'm fine with people headcannoning whatever they want, but seeing thousands of people calling others transphobic for calling Felix a 'he' made me so unsafe I forced myself to look for other interest. Which is funny since most of the people saying this weren't even part of the fandom. I was wondering if anyone else here had similar situations and just.. how do you deal with it? It seems silly, I know, but feeling like I can't speak about a rather important character from a media I love made me so upset.

No matter how much I tried explaining it, they either dismiss it or say Tappei made him a trans girl without knowing.

Now, if you do decide to answer this and say that Felix indeed may have been 'trans coded' a little bit (Did I used that term correcly? Idk) I'll understand (hell, I would probably agree, you character analysis are great), I'm just upset at the absolute lack of respect for any other way of referring to Felix other then she/her.

(Also in case people don't know, their proof of Felix being a trans girl is the scene from EX1, with the whole calling himself a girl in front of a mirror thing)

Sorry for this is being long and probably messy I just had to get this off my chest.. also I hope I didn't came of as offensive in any way, if I did I'm really sorry.

hi there anon! first of all - aw thank you for your compliments about me and my blog. im super passionate about rezero (though thats probably super clear to anyone whos seen any content i make for a while aljsdlkf) and well. ive been lurking about in this fandom since summer 2020 so i definitely understand having to leave/distance yourself from this fandom because outside of tumblr, the rezero fandom is kind of . well. to put it simply, theres a lot of metaphorical landmines unfortunately!! T^T and admittedly i wouldve left this fandom a lot sooner if i didnt stick to my own corner and curate spaces with other people who were super chill (like lots of people lurking about here on tumblr + rz tumblr in general!!). so i totally understand how you feel anon (and youre not silly for being upset, i promise!), though admittedly im not super super familiar with some rezero spaces (such as rz twitter) bc i 1. dont speak japanese and 2. i try very hard to avoid the negativity whenever possible!! T^T

and also i apologize for taking a while to answer your ask!! you're one of my older asks that kinda got lost in my drafts hah but i also just wanted to like. take extra care with your ask bc its a super important topic. like not just to me (though its definitely important to me) but its important in general. and i really like felix so. <3

a quick disclaimer is that i myself am not transfem. i am however afab and most likely genderqueer!! (im winging it as i go hah.) felix is also not a character id say im as well-versed in yet, but i do like felix a lot and ex1 changed my entire brain chemistry. and ill also be defaulting to he/him pronouns in this post because thats what he uses in canon.

felix is - at the end of the day - a fictional character, and tappei is a cis man who doesnt Entirely write characters like felix through a queer lens. arguably tappei is Self-Aware when he writes characters who are into other characters of the same sex (though the Representation is arguably a little bit questionable at times depending on how you look at it), but when it comes to characters like felix or subaru who have some Gender Stuff going on, it's more nebulous there. i dont know if tappei 100% realizes he's made characters that could be read as Trans/Genderqueer (emphasis on "read as", because i support different interpretations of these characters), but tappei Definitely Is Very Aware that gender and gender presentation and gender roles are super important when it comes to characters like felix, subaru, and crusch.

i think tappeis own perceptions of gender and gender roles do bleed a bit into the text as much as tappei is pretty purposeful with themes surrounding gender in rezero, but rezero itself still has all sorts of identity issues to explore with a lot of its characters and gender is a big part of that!!

so first and foremost im gonna be examining felix the best i can Purely Off Of The Canon Text, though i do like viewing rezero from a queer lens myself (and it is arguably very queer). im gonna talk first about felix and then ill move onto talking about my personal feelings on rezero fandom stuff :o !!

so felix's relationship with his gender is complicated and he Absolutely does not fit into traditional gender roles or gender presentation right now. these are undeniable. and if people headcanon felix as transfem thats totally understandable and valid!! but to say a headcanon is 100% canon and that other interpretations of a character as complex as felix are invalid isnt exactly it. for sure. i mean i myself interpret him as nonbinary haah. but felix's relationship with gender is so so so So complicated that i dont think you could just say hes transfem and then Not Elaborate More.

but regardless of how Exactly you label felix, i think you could possibly say that hes trans coded. tappei, even if he probably doesnt entirely know hes made pretty genderqueer characters, is Aware and Purposeful of how gender affects felix and his perception of himself and his identity and other peoples perception of him and this is brought up Over and Over Again in canon—felix’s gender identity, at the moment, aligns more with femininity in his presentation in every way, though he still perceives himself as masculine. felix’s case is complicated, and while im not entirely sure on this i think you could argue that hes trans coded—“coding” suggests a level of intent when making these characters, and i think that intent is present in some way with tappei. because tappei Knows just how important gender is with felix’s character and you can tell with how often and how Integral it is to felix’s entire character.

(more under the cut) (i do have a habit of being rambley/wordy sometimes if. if you couldnt tell already. but i hope this response is up to your standards!!)

these three analysis posts on felix's relationship with gender have all discussed this topic in-depth before i have, and i 1. really like the rezero content i see from all three of these people and 2. they All have slightly different takes based on the canon we have but also some similar points. because felix is complicated!! of course our takes are probably gonna be a bit different - he's a multifaceted character with such a complex relationship with his gender that it's hard to tell what every single one of his personal feelings on it is (especially when at the moment he hasnt appeared in the main story since arc 5 and he still has a Lot of character development to do). and of course fiction is fiction, we can all take away any sort of meaning from a story like this.

but you know. this is my post so im gonna try to analyze felix right now and say my two cents on what i think of his relationship with gender.

so im gonna try not to retread too much on what liquidstar, sufferu, and gourmet of gluttony have already said about felix (and i think theyre all very smart people with interesting analysis posts and theyve all explained their thoughts pretty well) and instead add on with my own thoughts - theres this felix excerpt from arc 4 wn that i think about sometimes. im gonna put it down here!!

and also important to note—like other people have mentioned, crusch and felix made a “deal” of sorts in the past where crusch takes on felix’s masculinity and felix takes on crusch’s femininity. and also like other people have said—and i myself have said in the past—i do have some mixed feelings on this wkdndn and as i said before also i do wish tappeis feelings on gender bled a little less when theyre Not Integral To The Story. bc i dont think tappei 100% knows hes made trans coded characters, but. anyway yeah so thats the whole deal with crusch felix. and in its own right i think it has So Many Interesting Implications!!

i think when it comes down to it, gender presentation IS a bit of a performance, isn't it? like i love to wear dressses and skirts and i love to keep my hair short and wear suits, but you know - these sorts of things tend to be gendered. our gender is often perceived through how we present ourselves, but in recent years gender roles being attached to clothing has gotten a bit less Rigid. but these rigid roles associated with presentation are even more dialed up to Eleven in a medieval world like the rezero fantasy world. and i dont use the word "performance" in a negative way -

what i mean is that when it comes to felix's character, does felix think he's a boy because that's what he's been told? does he think he's a boy because he TRULY sees himself that way, or does he THINK he has to see himself as one? does felix try to present and perform femininity, ie as or like a traditionally feminine girl, purely ONLY for crusch's sake, or is it because felix ALSO WANTS to? what does felix think of gender outside of crusch? who is felix outside of crusch? who is felix outside of tying his entire personality to other people? does felix’s femininity show the “radiance of ferris’ soul” bc of the deal he made with crusch or bc this truly is felix’s soul? these are like the big questions behind his entire character and character arc that would determine in the end how felix identifies in both his gender and In General.

so what is felix's identity at the moment? bc right now, felix is stuck between his feminine self, tied to crusch, a symbol of crusch, tied to his own reliance on crusch and worship of her—and his masculine self, someone broken off from crusch. felix is tied to crusch right now to worrying extents with his obsessive devotion to the point of changing himself to mold into her image, and beyond that, hes still tied to guilt surrounding fourier’s death. gourmet of gluttony puts all of this way way more intelligently than i ever could, but at the end of the day, i think the best narrative decision here would be for felix to accept himself in ALL of his entirety.

healing in rezero is noted to be a kind power, specifically by fourier and fourier saying this right to felix when hes the most talented healer in lugunica, and healing itself is often stereotypically feminine activity. knighthood is stereotypically masculine, and on top of all this, we see in ex1 that biehn argyle twists the power of healing into something grotesque—trying to bring back the dead and revive what cant be revived, which is once again another reoccurring theme in rezero.

how far can “from zero” go? what HAS to stay dead and what can be revived? who is allowed to live? HOW do you live freely? felix is someone born from a horribly abusive and neglectful family who twisted healing magic’s kindness into cruelty, felix is someone who was taken into a family that showed him kindness and now hes desperate to pay them back with everything he has and everything he is, felix is a healer who lashes out when hes cornered and a healer who treasures life and a knight who cant physically fight like the others, felix is someone stuck with the horrible knowledge that he cant save everyone—that some things just Couldnt end better no matter how much he wished for it to.

felix is stuck between all kinds of worlds, and in terms of gender, hes quite literally still stuck between boyhood and manhood in the biological sense—hes purposefully made it so that he hasnt hit puberty yet so he can better pass as feminine. he hasnt Physically Grown past puberty—which is the mark of becoming an adult. and he hates himself in a number of ways, but he also hates himself for failing to be traditionally masculine. his abusive family stole ten years of his life and the torture left him physically weaker, so he cant be strong physically, which is something associated with traditional masculinity. felix is the best healer, a traditionally feminine job and skill, but he cant save everyone. felix becomes more feminine as part of his deal with crusch, but while crusch accepts her femininity and masculinity readily, and while crusch’s memory is erased by gluttony—felix is left behind, alone, still holding onto femininity while not entirely being able to hold onto it while he also cant entirely hold onto the traditional masculinity he expects out of himself. and with arc 3 on, felix feels hes failed both fourier and crusch. the two most important male and female figures in his life.

felix is basically stuck in this liminal space where hes not Enough for himself in literally every direction, and the only way out is to accept every part of himself and move forward by trying to define who he is without other people—his birth family and his found family dont define him. they can shape him, sure, but he has to stop shaping himself to meet them and figure out how to let himself just. Be. and take up a space thats firmly his. from a queer lens, this kind of thing is pretty queer—because to stop being in between worlds, you have to accept everything instead of splitting yourself into halves over and over again. killing or maiming yourself or parts of yourself is no way to live, and felix is Life itself.

and i think regardless of the Exact Labels you could give felix, i think his arc—which is perfectly in line with all of rezeros themes—is inherently about self acceptance and the bridging of the gap and combination of femininity and masculinity. felix is both and identifies, in one way or another, with both, similar to how he loves someone who identifies with both (crusch) and just as hes loved her and fourier. imo it wouldnt be right for felix to choose one or the other in terms of feminine vs masculine—he needs to be the one learning and navigating his honest feelings on both sides bc i think he Yearns to be both. hes a boy who dresses like a girl and its up to him to know if he wants to be a man and/or a woman due to his own internal desire or if parts of that is Only due to external pressures.

--

and alright now that ive said all my thoughts on felix atm im gonna address the other questions you had in your ask!! note that this is just my opinions and thoughts regarding my own experience in the english fandom, you dont have to agree or anything 👍

but i AM very sorry about your negative experiences in this fandom. T^T people calling other transphobic for using he/him for felix (and also people being transphobic about characters like felix or subaru/natsumi in general) is something ive seen as well. the rezero fandom is sadly very often toxic and Bigoted in a lot of ways (with the exception of rezero tumblr and certain segments of rezero ao3, from what ive seen), which is Ironic for a story thats so clearly about love and self-acceptance, which is also ironic because arguably tappei and otsuka and the rezero marketing team (i Love the female characters in rezero but theres just so much sexualized or vaguely sexist merch/moments that dont add to the story, you know? kind of just. misses the point of their characters sometimes.) sort of contribute to it a little bit as much as tappei does do some really great things with his writing.

rezero is the first fandom ive been active in but its definitely not the first ive ever been in, and ive been in some insane fandoms before. like i said earlier though, i think i just cope by curating my experience to what i like, yknow? liking posts i enjoy, looking at stuff i enjoy, etc :O !! fandom is a hobby so i try not to look at negative stuff when i can help it wkdnd. which im sure youre aware about already but i always have to keep reminding myself of this bc places like rezero reddit or twitter get pretty rough!! but its really helped me just following artists and creators i like, enjoying their content, chatting with cool people i vibe with, rezero tumblr being the chillest rezero space in the whole fandom, and its also helped me a lot making rezero content of my own—like this whole blog!! its really shocked me how much people seem to value my thoughts enough to ask me things frequently but i appreciate it pfft. and i hope you guys like reading my posts!!

but yeah like. curate, curate, curate. it helps a LOT and it gets me excited to experience rezero not only by myself you know? not that i didnt have fun by myself but its its own level of fun finally finding spaces to have fun with others!! and i LOVE finding beautiful fanart!! chef’s kiss. and trying to be the change i want to see is satisfying on its own :,) i want to post random shit about rezero, so i post it. i want to make fanart for fun and share it. i want to brute force people into loving otto more so i ottopost (dont worry, i still hate him bc true otto fans also hate him at the same time <3 /lh). i want more queer rezero content so i try to make some more!! brings more personal power i think and its very fun!! and it helps with lessening the quiet despair of fandom toxicity ;-;; (which is something ive done many times and will continue to do sometimes so i feel your pain 🫂) and i promise theres cool people in the fandom 👍 i may reply late to asks or dms but im ALWAYS down to talk about rezero things its so fun 👍👍

and its really really hard sometimes to deal with fandom toxicity especially if its forcefully knocking at your door—definitely dont force yourself to stay or look at things if you cant, bc thats totally understandable!! and i myself have been harassed a little in the past. but definitely having some sort of coping—the block button, backing out of things you dont agree with or like, lots and lots of curating, etc—helps me a lot. and i think mental health wise i feel much better trying to look on the bright side of things!! its MY hobby goddammit!! ill fight people subaru-style if they try to poison it!! and however long anyone reading this decides to spend with rezero and rezero tumblr—you are welcome here 👍

but yes my very Long rambling aside - i hope this post somewhat helped you!! felix is a very important character that i like very much and need to learn more about and i have Many Feelings on the english side of this fandom, but im very grateful to all the cool people ive met over the years here for sure!! :o

also ill probably post the finished version soon but if youve read this far here is a sneak peak of felix art i did recently (just as a reward for once again reading all of my Endless Yapping)👍👍

[common-blackbird]

Started!

This is my Inquisitor (so overjoyed you can be a qunari), her name is the default Herah and I decided I’m going to approach this game by staying true to a character and not looking to do everything and be on everyone’s good side u_u

I want to make a good background for her so i’m not telling anything. Yet. I’ll just say she’s a qunari mercenary and prefers using two-handed weapons.

Highlights from today:

Studying history does pay off! This was a reference to the famous book in environmental history - Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond. So proud i recognised it x)

Also i don’t have a good shot of solas but he cracks me up so much.. The guy has a posture of the typical retired grandpa (the only thing missing is to have him walk with his hands on his back). And there’s a scene where the party sees the rift and there’s the inquisitor facing it, cassandra bracing herself and solas... just standing like an old man

On a side note, Cassandra is so gorgeous and good and i already love her, i just keep taking shots of her TAT

As for varric, it’s so different than from da2, this is so much more “official” and you can see he’s the same as ever, but you’re not hawke, hawke’s not here, the gang’s not here and there’s nothing casual about the whole situation T-T

And lastly, my inquisitor has a horse now, i didn’t know that was possible in the game ;__;

played some more...

Let  me start with.... The advisors! (+ cassandra... or is she also an advisor too?)

What a bunch. I love Cassandra’s and Leliana’s faith having a crisis bc they believe that Inquisitor is the Herald of Andraste and the way they deal with it. It’s really interesting. Leliana is completely opposite than what she was in origins and i’m surprised it doesn’t bother me at all! I love seeing this whole darker side that was only hinted at in origins, though it’s also sad when i think how she used to be. I wonder how she’s gonna overcome her doubting of faith. 

Josephine is a delight. I keep using her for almost every war table mission for now. She radiates capability. She reminds me of those bureaucrats that are super nice and helpful and chill and even if you’re doing everything wrong she’ll just smile and say “it’s ok, we can fix it” and then goes and fixes everything herself (and you feel this insane amount of gratitude you send a whole separate email to thank her for her patience and help )

As for Cullen... It’s interesting... I got impression from what i saw in the fandom that he’s supposed to have had his allegiance changed and him rejecting the templars should have been him ultimately siding with the mages (or at least being anti-templar(?)), and that turning point that could have been a great way to show his character development during the game. Which i agree, only... i did not get that impression from the game so far at all. I mean, so far everything that i can remember him saying is totally smth he’d say in da2... He didn’t leave kirkwall bc of his disappointment with the templar order, he doesn’t seem to have any issues with the templars except those who go full war mode instead of trying to balance the situation. And it’s a really chaotic situtation, i love how they did it.

This line was amazing, i wish there was a special cutscene for that.

I’m loving the way they made this huge religious organisation in crisis have a complete collapse with the death of a key figure. I love the concept of inquisition and problems that it poses. I love you can see everyone’s reasoning and doubts reflect their background, but also see why inquisition can be understood as another power-grasping organisation trying to topple the templars, the mages and the chantry. Everything is divided. We got templars leaving the chantry, seekers leaving the chantry(?), rebel mages, loyal mages, rebel mages gone rouge, templars gone rouge, and suddenly there’s another organisation forming that you can totally believe is just another powerhungry force trying to get the piece of the cake by taking advantage of the power vacuum left by the sudden lack of the religious authority. (and only we know we’re The Good Guys). I love that we have characters who need to believe in the greater plan, characters who question the greater plan, and characters who want to utilise the power of belief and characters who don’t care for divine plans. The chaos is real and it feels real. I love that the centre figure of the whole holy business is a heretic of another culture. For the chantry this is the lose-lose situation (unless the inquisitor becomes religious by the end of the game). Which is why this line works so well. 

Ok, now shorter updates:

Red Jenny! I know it’s not her actual name but it is in my head. Where’s that box i delivered ages ago >_> Anyways, she makes my brain work on 150% capacity. I can understand what she means only after i go over it for 5 times.

Forgive me but oh my god, i can’t believe that i can recognise one voice actor and now i have another mental image whenever he speaks. Like, he’s really good at bringing out a new character, but when he gets more casual he sounds like kanan jarrus from star wars rebels and i’m just “what are you doing here, space dad” ;__; Hopefully it’ll get old and i’ll be enjoying more iron bull. he seems nice...

Vivienne on the other hand is like a reverse Josephine(?) She seems insanely capable but hates customer service, however somehow she likes you very much and will do everything you need for reasons you can’t fathom. Have a screenshot. So classy. I already feel humbled.

and lastly, BREAKING NEWS: aveline finally hired carver ;__;

Tbh Kirkwall is still a mystery and i have so many questions but i don’t think i’ll get any answers... If a powervacuum of the divine cause this much chaos, how’s kirkwall faring without a new viscount? Like, yeah, aveline can keep in check, but umm it’s in a very vulnerable state which makes it a good target for any invasion... didn’t sebastian promise bloodshed?

That’s all for now, bc otherwise i’ll start writing an essay on cassandra.

We befriended a bear in the hinterlands!

lets start with this cool shot

so, i have been to the mages and to the templars and... i sided with the templars.... First i was all for mages since they offered negotiations while the seeker just walked away, but then it turned out that was a trap, there’s also tevinter mages there (which is a red flag for my inquisitor) and then there’s some time magic involved (which is a big no for me), and i just walked out. Felt bad for the mages but my inquisitor comes from a culture where mages have their tongues cut so...

Also this guy deserves a medal for putting up with corrupted superiors and annoying nobles.

And i met cole ;__; Where are Rhys and Evangeline ;___;

the templar mission was ok i guess... I was surprised that red lyrium was apparently circulating around for some time, not sure if that means since meredith or even before. I love the stories of corruption tho and to imagine what it’s like to be trapped in this organisation that just keeps breaking everything it stands for

As for the important mages, i’ve Dorian twice since i bailed out on him in Redcliffe :I I love the guy, he seems arrogant yet so kind (like, no one would have carried that annoying priest and yet he did, after he ran from his own people to warn us after i ditched him in Redcliffe? man ;A;) Every time i go with “ok the inquisitor fears tevinter and distrusts this rando who just popped in” i am marinating in guilt.

and then we fight some mages and die several times but we succeed and we meet the bad guy...

Is it an unpopular opinion to say that i like him as a villain so far? i saw so many jokes on his incompetency. Idk, i like that part where he said that he reached the fade in someone’s name, it makes me think he’s not just power-hungry person(?) who’s just evil,but was originally serving someone, and he said that the gods were either gone or corrupted and he spent hundreds of years thinking what to do with whatever happened so he seems like he knows what he’s doing and maybe(!just maybe) he is trying to fix things that are wrong but we can’t see that? And of course he hates the inquisitor, he has to redo his stuff all over again, i’d hate the inquisitor too. im probably looking too much into it. My wish is that, if he’s evil, he became so gradually, but originally had good intentions? Or there’s more to things going on that we just don’t know and he does... Maybe this was his tragic attempt to fix things but he would ultimately fail and be branded as a villain etc etc. I’m getting carried away

If it turns out he’s just evil for the sake of being evil then feel free to tell me so now so i don’t embarrass myself further with plotting myself lol.

A side note, is he the Architect? Or the same? In DA2 he says he’s a tevinter magister, right? and he ceased to be a human. Also in DA2 it seemed like he was the boss, and here he said he reached in the name of someone (probably more important than him). But what is the Architect then?

And with that we reach the skyhold.

in skyhold

I didn’t know you meet hawke so soon ;__; i thought that was like, somewere more to the end of the game, since the big decision and all. But the mission is already opened and i am going to procrastinate on it until i finish every side mission :<

Also he is so sad ;__; i understand, but at the same time... all that humour now bitter sarcasm :’(

(also, very shallow remark, but i really really prefer his looks in da2 than here... it’s like they softened him. He’s more...oh god idk bearish(???) than hawkish(????) you know what i mean? the nose isn’t as sharp anymore, the beard is... what is it with the beard... anyways i get the game has its limits so it’s fine. it’s fine! fine.)

then there was the fight that i remember since twitter >:D

It’s what made me want to play dragon age and i finally reached it T-T so good! I love how you can see the both sides and everything they say is true but they’re so angry at themselves they’re taking it out on each other TAT

Cassandra later says Hawke probably wouldn’t have joined the inquisition even if she found him, and i wonder now if that’s true... At first i thought, nah, Hawke has too much of a hero complex, he would feel too responsible to just say no. Besides, he’s with the inquisition now (tho i can’t find him anywhere anymore!). But at the same time, the way da2 ends was such an iconic walking away from everything, and not taking into account the hocus-pocus rift stuff, i can imagine him refusing, especially seeing how bitter he is now. It’s also a question of how much would have cassandra told him i guess. idk, what do you think? Would he lead or nah?

another person i want to find but can’t in skyhold are the templars with ser barris. i can use them on war table missions but otherwise they’re non-existant? i forgot to talk to him back in haven but now i wonder if it was even possible and if he was even available there, since he isn’t here. I spent hours just running around skyhold looking for the guy :(

and then everything becomes unimportant bc aaaaa!! she! is the arcanist! Dagna! im so happy and proud(?) she went and reached her goals x)

anyways that’s all for now, laters

some random updates:

so i did the halamshiral and gave up to my “stick to the character” mode, and nothing went my way, but that’s life. Met morrigan! i almost forgot she appears lol. And, despite also jumping on the wagon of give-morrigan-better-clothes train, i have to admit seeing her in her old clothes was a relief after that dress at the ball. It’s not the way the dressed looked, but the way she moved in it... god im shallow

i also initially didn’t like morrigan being at orlais court of all places, but after the conversation that’s supposed to explain why she’s there i’m kinda ok with it. I mean, i still need some more info. Wouldn’t Tevinter be better? she’d practically become a magister overnight if she got this good in the game so fast. It’s also unconvincing how everyone knows everything in orlais but somehow nobody connected that the random kid that has no bakcground whatsoever with morrigan who keeps checking on him? But at skyhold she’s just “hey i have a kid, he’s no trouble, right?”  but hey, it’s morrigan. She can do anything. I’ll just have another story idea in my head.

Then there was news of the new divine that could be either cassandra or leliana and i don’t honestly know whom to choose. I’d prefer leliana over cassandra simply bc cassandra is more of a military mind, while the position of the divine would be more political. But lately every mission with leliana was spy spy, kill kill... Do we really want that for a religious leader? On the other hand, it would nicely round up her story from origins to inquisition... But cassandra is more of a public figure than leliana is...

when cassandra said:

“I want to respect the tradition, but not fear change. I want to right the past wrongs, but not avenge them. And I have no idea if wanting any of them makes them right.”

great moment. She’s usually so convinced and rash, i forget she’s more doubtful and open minded than what she looks like. Everything about cassandra is different from the impression she gives ;__; I love her so so so so much. (when she says she considers the inquisitor her friend i melted, next time varric pulls up the “seeker has no friends” joke, my heart will no longer be breaking).

I did a bunch of personal missions. Some were cool, some were ????. Also there were war table missions with zevran, that was cool. Also i love the codex entries in skyhold. The archery competition with varric banned? Dancing lessons failing bc lace harding is on the move all the time? Perfect.

And i met chargers, i like them, and aaah that staff-bow from the trailer is such a cool idea ;A;

What i don’t get with bull’s chargers is - they’re a mercenary group right? But isn’t swordselling seen as the complete misunderstanding of the qun? I get only bull is qunari, but he’s the leader of them? How is that not frowned upon?

And lastly, i don’t think i’ve said this, but i love that they added codex entries in the loading screens. love it.

update

After months of procrastination, i have faced my fears and have met alistair. it was very anticlimatic beating 11 level monsters when i was level 21...

but.. ALISTAIR TAT He’s changed... but not changed... but changed! Like, his personality is the same, but he’s more serious, doesn’t run from responsibilities, isn’t as bitter as hawke (also, why do i get impression that i am supposed to get the impression that they’re friends? they’ve met like, once, and talked for less than a minute.. whatevs. let’s pretend they’ve met again when on the run), i really love the inquisition alistair ;;__;;

Also, i managed to get that awkward demon baby family reunion :D

 know that morrigan says the vaguest generic thing “i told him his father was a good man” bc of various world states, but i also think she’s come a long way not to mock alistair, and then when he notices that she didn’t use the opportunity he mentions that the kid changed her and she’s like “pfft, yea right, you wish”....

... when she was the one who said that in the first place ;;__;;

Awwww :> I love that they bicker but softly. Kids have grown up :’) Anyways, when will alistair start paying alimony

The only weird one is Leliana bc when morrigan was introduced she was like “danger danger” (smth i’d sooner think alistair would do), and when alistair is (supposedly) in skyhold, Leli doesn’t even mention him, only hawke.  bruh, what were they to you, you almost died together ;;__;;

oh i also slayed a dragon.  I didn’t even want to fight that dragon. It was a hillarious feat of inquisitor, solas, cole and blackwall, all on level 21, having to chug all the health potions right at the beginning while fighting a dragon that was... level 13, after which i just let go of controls and suddenly everyone was hella good at fighting and slayed it (only cole needed revival several times).  

And, befitting the wild-dream feel that it had, when i got back to skyhold and visited companions, suddenly i was drinking pelin with iron bull, and he’s reminiscing on that fight with the dragon and i’m like

it was awful and you weren’t even there.

i forgot to update

but last time i was playing i finished the hawke/alistair sacrifice and all the torture i went through with deciding whom to sacrifice vanished bc frankly, at one moment, i wanted to sacrifice both of them, but in the end it was much more easier to sacrifice hawke bc inquisition hawke just didn’t feel like hawke to me, while alistair improved since the origins!

and now i remembered why i didn’t update, in the same day cassandra rejected me so i was sad and didn’t continue playing since then (i think last time i played it was around easter?)

new update

BLACKWALL!! or should i say Thom Rainier? Wow, what an arc! It was also so fun bc i was all strict mode, picking the third option, telling him his life is in inquisitor’s hands and all that, but in the end i set him free. He’s so good, a true knight T-T

Also i romanced sera. we’ll see how that goes.

Also, fave point in the game so far, i wanted, for so long, to sit at that val roeayoux (can’t spell) cafe and finally did it with cole’s personal mission. THANK YOU COLE YOU TRULY CAN READ PEOPLE’S MINDS.

another interesting thing was that after specialising as a reaver, cassandra said that drinking dragon blood makes you grow scales and become mad. Iron Bull said that inquisitor smells better bc dragon blood and that qunari generally smell better than humans. So i’m guessing qunari have fractions of dragon in them? ok...

and now i started that mission with morrigan and the puzzles are killing me lol, i am this 👌 close to just go chase calpernia and give up on a well of sorrows.

[savvysass]

i promise you critiquing an irondad fic isn’t the end of the world chill out

Ok. Since this is an opportunity to explain the issue with what she did, I am going to give you a very detailed answer to why I flipped out the way I did.

What fromsiberia did was NOT a critique. It was HATE.

I am a professional artist with a bachelors in fine art, and one of the classes we had to take in school to get a fine arts degree in my major was called “media literacy”. In this class we examined the ethics of media and how to properly engage with media.

One of the things we learned was the ethics and structure of critiques.

The very first thing you learn about critiques is that a true critique is made for the betterment of the creator.

Fromsiberia broke this rule right off the bat by posting this critique without the author’s name, without the title of the work, and put it on a public forum in the template of a callout post. She then, and this is what my biggest issue is, put it in the fucking tag.

That would be like publishing a book, calling it “everything wrong with that one book, you know the one” and placing it right next to the original work with the intention of hurting the author and devaluing the work. It is HATE. Pure and simple.

Now, that is not to say that you can’t be displeased with a work. You absolutely can! I have tons of fics that i go to my friend and say “gosh this fic was fucking awful can you believe they did xyz? Total bummer.” And thats FAIR. You are allowed to read something and dislike it and vent about how much you hated it. You just dont do that PUBLICLY. keep it in the chat, bros.

Now i will move on to a helpful portion and how to learn from this situation: what defines a GOOD CRITIQUE.

The first thing you need to know about good critiques is that NOT EVERYONE IS ACCEPTING OF THEM. people are all in different stages in their journeys as creators, and sometimes these people are in a stage where they are simply building confidence, not skill. This does not mean they are not skilled, and some of the best creators in the world still go through confidence phases where they are simply looking for acceptance of their work, not advice to make it better even if it is well intentioned and maybe even completely valid. Its like when someone gets in trouble after something unfair happened to them. Sometimes they are not looking for solutions to make it better, and just want to vent about how sucky the situation is. They are not solution-oriented. Sometimes all an author is in the mindset to hear is that they did a good job, and often they request that is all you say, such as dont like, dont read. Those people are not in a position to accept critique, and if you are a good critiquer, you will accept that and leave them alone.

If your creator is asking for critique, such as saying “tell me what you think!” “Tell me your ideas!” “Constructive criticism welcome!”, you can then post a GOOD AND CONSTRUCTIVE CRITIQUE by following this format:

1) start with at least 2 or 3 positive points.

This is perhaps the most important part of a good critique because it establishes that you have the author’s best interest in mind and are not simply there to tear them down. If you can’t find it in your heart to say 2 or 3 nice things about a work, even as simple as “love the title” or “great sentence structure!” Then you are not here to help the author and need to move on and do something else.

2) Preface any critique with words such as “if it were me” or “in my opinion” so you make it clear that you are not saying your critique is perfect and the only correct way to do it. Follow it with an idea to fix it if you can.

People in my school would get horrible reputations for being bad critiquers when they would just come up and say “its better if you do this. You should do this.” Your opinion is not the law of the land. Just because you have an idea does not mean that is the best solution. A true critiquer lets the creator make their own content and offers solutions the creator can shape and mold in their own way to make their own creations. Do not shove your opinion down their throats.

3) being confused about a plot point or feeing like there is a plot hole does not mean it is wrong.

One of the things that pissed me off with that girl was she acted like that one plot hole that she decided must not have an answer made the fic completely unreadable and that it was her duty to make sure other people knew it sucked instead of politely asking the author “im a bit confused why the avengers didnt tell tony the truth. Could you explain your thinking?” THAT is the correct way to state that question (again with that being only part of ur critique) so that the author can EXPLAIN THEMSELVES or LEARN TO FIX IT.

4) thank the author for the content. Let them know you appreciate the hard work they did, even if you found places for improvement

This once again is one of the most important part of the critique and shows your true intentions to the author. It proves you are not simply here to break down their creation and whine about stuff you didnt like. A lot of work went into making the work, and you should acknowledge that.

Now, not every comment has to be a critique. I often dont have the time or energy to leave a critique on every fic i like, so i just keysmash and yell at the author for making me feel things. However, if you are going to tell the author things you didnt like or think they can improve on, follow a true critique format so you dont hurt the author and give yourself a bad reputation.

Now, for the creators, you are going to get bad critiques. You are going to get rude comments about how your work sucks or even call out hate like fromsiberia did to that story. Being able to handle it gracefully is hard, but you can learn from bad critiques and even hate like this. Look at what the point of their rant is. Is what they are saying, despite how mean and rude, a valid observation? Even after reading how awful fromsiberia’s post was, i agreed that it was a choice i didnt understand that the author did not explain why the avengers didnt tell tony who peter was. As i am forming my critique for the piece, i will include that in there. I may even offer a solution if i can think of one like fromsiberia did. You need to take your emotions away and try to learn from hate and bad critiques if you can handle it, and try to better yourself from them. If you improve despite the hate, then you have come out on top.

Tldr: good critiques are for the betterment of the creator. What fromsiberia did was not at all intentioned to help the creator make better content and was simply made to tear down the hard work that was put into it and posted on a public forum without giving the author a chance to learn from or even see their response, and that is why it is hate.

[brewing-mischief]

You know I'd really like to read a deh fanfiction where Connor and Evan run into each other really hard, get knocked unconscious by the force and then wake up in the hospital in each other's bodies.

The doctor's say they both have amnesia since they're all "who are you people" to their 'families' and cant seem to remember their names.

"What's your name"

"Evan...Hansen?

"Evan is fine, he came in with you and is talking to a doctor right now. What is YOUR name?"

"Ummm....?????"

The boys figure out they switched bodies but dont say anything to avoid looking more crazy to their families. I think itd be cool to read about how both of them get a little taste of what they need.

Connor gets to go to therapy (Dr.S is assuming that the amnesia is the reason Evan has gained a different personality. Thinking that since he has forgotten his trama his brain has built a new personality off of different core memories creating an Evan that is less full of anxiety? Idk I'm not a psychologist. Im thinking later Connor would slip up revelling to much of his actual life which leads Dr.S to believe that Evan has DID and that Connor is a new personality formed from the incident. He would think Connor's memories are actually a creation of a world Evan would have liked. His parents still being together-even though he knows it wouldn't work out in the long run which caused the 'dream' to go dark. Connor is like "I have no idea what you're talking about but if your chill with dealing with me I'm good" Dr.S continues to treat Connor as though 'Evan's fantasy' AKA Connor's real life is reality because he believes that this 'fantasy' is holding Evan dormant.) <- [This of course is just DR.S's psychological interpretation. Realty is that its just a bodyswap. However if you like that theory of Connor actually being a personality of Evan go right ahead a write that. I'm not stopping you]

Connor also gets to eat normal food like Pizza and tacos and anything that isnt some weird Vegan fat-free mess Cynthia makes

Connor gets he's space. Hes not constantly beaten down on by his parents for every step he takes. Heidi is incredibly chill. She's very worried about his well being but shes not invasive like his parents are who just want to tear him down. She continues to reiterate that she loves and supports him which allows Connor to slowly drop his walls.

With these supports in place Connor slowly begins to stop smoking/cutting (I have a feeling he may have also stopped at the begining because he respects the fact that this isnt his body and doesnt want to damage it but it is HARD) however most of his needs to cut/smoke are in his head. Which is awful because addiction is hard to quit. But he doesnt have to deal with physical withdrawal symptoms. (Headaches, nausea ect.) Which helps

Connor also stands up to Jared real quick so Jared learns to get his priorities straight or he finds himself left behind

Evan on the other hand has a whole family unit. He finally gets attention 24/7 which is great. Larry is a little harsh with him because hes Connor but it's less than usually since 'Connor' has no idea what hes talking about and doesnt give him a fight anymore. Cynthia is constantly hovering over him with scrapbooks to jog his memory. Zoe just tries to keep her distance but shes always in the background just staring at him trying to figure him out. The whole family is serriously just thrown off about how nice/figitty 'Connor' is. He's tripping over his words and apologizing as much as he breathes.

Evan does go through Connor's physical withdrawal because Evan is not about smoking. He suffers. The first day he keeps craving something but doesnt know what. He tells Cybthia who tries to help him match/satisfy it but nothing works. The next couple of dayd hes serriously sick/agitated. That's when Larry realised 'Connor' is going through withdrawls and is like "oh wow. Ok" and he starts being nicer. He is still somewhat stuck in the "what does it matter, Connor is going to go back to normal soon enough and it wont matter what he does right now" but Evan is being the perfect son so he cant really stay angry. He actually begins to bond with him again.

Evan just gets attention. He gets to sit down and have dinner and talk with people. He gets that family support hes been craving. He doesnt have to worry about being a financial burden because the Murphys are loaded

Evan would probably try to get close to Zoe but she pushes him away like nobody's business. Eventually she would cave and mabye do his nails or something but something about it feels off. Connor likes doing his nails and rn 'Connor ' seems to be very against the idea because "nail polish is for girls, what if people see it and think I'm a freak ect." So now shes even more suspicious about this whole amnesia thing. It wouldn't change her brother this much, would it?

Idk how Evan would think about everyone at school. Because they see him, they notice his existence but it's mostly out of fear and hatred. I feel like that would leave him a little bit panicked.

Anyway, after a week or two Connor goes over to his house to visit Evan and see how everything is being managed. Zoe sneaks a peek on them and notices something. Shes met Evan once or twice before so she didnt really make the connection until now when she can see them both. But 'Connor' is behaving like Evan, and 'Evan' is acting like Connor. Something is definitely off. She confronts them and without much of an argument to steer her off course they eventually give in and tell her what has been going on. She joins their team of figuring out what happened, how to go back and later in the story where the climax drama happens IF they should go back.

The IF drama is basically both parties know they have to go back but also dont want to....

It's just, Connor likes the freedom and trust Heidi gives him. He misses his sister but he also whitnessed his parents loving Evan more than they ever did to him. And that makes him furious because that means he was/will never be good enough for them. He takes this out on Evan since he knows Evan likes his family. He feels like Evan stole them from him even though he knows that's not true.

Evan wants his mom back. When he goes to visit 'Evan' hes a complete stranger to her and that hurts like hell. Plus He doesnt like being hated at school and furthermore he needs his therapy again. But the Murphy family is just so perfect. He has a father figure and a Mom whose always around and Zoe (who has become less of a crush through the experience and more a friend) and he doesnt have to listen to Jared being mean to him/claim they only hang out for car insurance. He has a strong support unit here and hes become more confident from the love they feed him.

So it's just this complicated mess of emotions.

I dont know how it would wrap up since they both have to go back but I think itd be really great to see these boys get better because their circumstances/situations switch. After all Tragedy is only a tragedy becuase the hero is in the wrong story. (I think I read that in a post talking about how Macbeth and Hamelt would have ended happily if only the two main characters were in each others stories since Macbeth would have killed the uncle real quick well Hamelt would have stopped to think instead of jumping in feet first. They made a good point and I want to apply that theory to this story)

Anyway those are my thoughts. Tag me if you write it

[feminisedlad]

Seeing people talk about my chest like that makes me feel better though, I think youre post is disingenous. Like when I can go online & see people saying my body is sexy, it makes me feel better. It feels like us transmascs who like our chests are a minority anyway. And it sounds like you're saying people who support us are all creeps.

ok like......... i get you. (i dont appreciate being called ‘disingenuous’ on whats obviously a vent post but like. overall i can understand what youre getting at)

long post ahoy because.... you asked. also im assuming your transmasc and this post is only about transmasc stuff, id sound like an idiot if i tried to talk about transfem experiences bc im. not

so firstly, i think this is just straight up a competing needs situation. im reminded of conversations about whether or not it’s productive to go around saying everybody’s pronouns. for me, i tend to prefer it because it allows me a semi-natural space in which to tell people that i use nonstandard pronouns. however, stealth trans people are put on the spot, and closeted trans people have to choose whether to out themselves or misgender themselves whenever ms. cis professor asks everyone to announce their pronouns in front of the class. something thats helpful and validating for me ends up throwing other trans people under the bus. and, you know, with these discussions we usually have to come to some kind of compromise. maybe its better for that teacher to send around a written form thats completely optional, to make the experience less public or compulsory. maybe in some spaces the pronoun-circle is ok and in others it’s not. all of these convos require not just nuance, but deliberate hard work.

likewise i think a similar conversation and tension can take place when we talk about what language is appropriate when discussing trans peoples’ bodies, particularly other trans peoples’ bodies. i was being facetious in my tumblr.gov text post, but it can be very vexing when the only types of transmasc positivity are so problematic. the first type is problematic because it reinforces binaristic ideas about the types of trans men that exist: the no-t / pre-t feminine trans man versus the transitioning masculine trans man. these assumptions completely preclude the idea of transitioning AND feminine trans men, or non-transitioning AND masculine trans men.

(caveat #1: this is to say nothing about the types of language which permeate these posts. a post for another day, but tldr, they’re often condescending. i dont know ANY trans man who’s happy when someone bends over backwards to call him ‘heckin manly’ when no one in the world would address a cis man that way.)

the second type of problematic “positivity” is the kind you addressed in this message -- the sexual stuff. sexual positivty is fine. im not against it at all. but it cannot be the only type of positive transmasculine encouragement we see. it just cannot! this shouldnt require elaboration because when a person’s only positivty towards a marginalized group is sexual, that’s not positivty, it’s fetishization. however, given the propensity for sexual abuse among transmascs, i find it especially troubling that so much of our “positivty” concerns our reproductive organs or seconday sex characteristics. so much about our breasts, our vaginas, what kind of sex it’s ok for us to have, what kind of sex people would like to have with us. if your only transmasc positivity is “eat his pussy thursday,” you’re not an ally, you have a fetish.

(caveat #2: if youre a trans man and youre thinking ‘but i love eating my bf’s pussy and i love posting about it!!” just....... chill out, ok? im obviously talking about ppl who arent transmascs. dont worry about it. its fine ur fine. im t4t i obviously dont think its bad for trans ppl to want to fuck each other)

im sure youve stopped reading by now bc this got long, but essentially, im not saying that ppl cant post stuff abt trans men being sexy. if those posts make you happy, great. but when theyre the only posts that make the rounds and get thousands of notes -- and when theyre not coming from transmascs, but are instead about transmascs -- then, at best, these posts are well-intentioned displays of allyship that dont quite make the mark. at worst, theyre dehumanizing. so, no, i dont think everyone who makes those posts is a creep, but i do want people to be critical about the ways in which they talk about transmascs. im sure some ppl, like you, are totally fine w those posts. and in a vaccum, i dont care that much about them tbh. but when its all you see -- when those sexual posts are the beginning and end of peoples’ interactions with transmasculinity -- it’s a big problem. please think of the bigger picture.

[losangelesvalorant]

final thoughts on games today:

Tl;dr: london is going to have Issues with a capital I, paris is fine and will be better w hanbin, boston were okay and them losing just solidifies how fucking scary and well-oiled nyxl is rather than boston being terrible. Titans, like usual, have no respect for their opponents and could be even scarier /if/ they wanted to be, valiant pops off sometimes but cant do it consistently, shock looks rusty and dallas needs to pocket decay even harder than they already are to win games.

london: i see a lot of potential in them, but until they gain confidence they’re c tier for me. They seem overcoached and lost when they aren’t unable to go through with their set plays, of which they way too many for each map. When they were able to play their game, they cycled their ults well, but were easily forced out of their comfort zone. Bernar tried his best to carry, but jmac looked lost and wasn’t able to bait nicodgh’s walls at all, that might be a problem w coordination w sanguinar for speedboost tho. babel wasn’t quick enough to get his walls out in time, though they were great when he did. Glister and highly tried their best, sanguinar seems to play very individualistically which gave london chances, but fdgod just outplayed him mostly. Once teams figure out how to play vs them they’re fucked unless the coaches move away from set plays and unless the team builds more confidence. This team is going to suffer with hero pools if they don’t fix something quick. London honestly and truly has a TON of potential, but not the coordination or confidence or coaching to utilize it.

paris: they’re gonna be scary as they get more coordinated! Can’t wait til they can run at full strength w better tanks. They made good adaptations and looked good doing it. Nicodgh’s walls were sick, nosmite looked great, fdgod is a fragger, xzi clicked heads and greyy and hyp did good too. Benbest i didnt watch. I really like what i see with this team, but we haven’t seen them at full strength so i dont feel like i have much to say about them. Definitely a dark horse for me. They should thrive with hero pools. 

nyxl: nyxl looks as dominant as ever. They’re coordinated, smart, aware, turn impossible situations around, and quickly shut down every win condition boston had before they could even execute it. Though whoru’s mei is def the weak link for me (his walls kinda suck. I think theyre just giving him stage experience here tbh. His genji slaps tho), him and sbb/nenne are a scary duo, everything that can be said abt jjonak and anamo has been said already (They are the best. They are the best. They are the best.), and mano and hotba are both doing excellently. I dont feel that this is their optimal meta, but nyxl has showed a lot of willingness to adapt to their opponents and make swaps, which i like. I’m not worried for them in hero pools, though they might stumble a bit. They’re solidly in S tier for me now

boston: This is gonna be controversial (and take this w a grain of salt cuz im plat.) but boston played better than i expected cuz im a pessimist and was expecting them to get completely rolled, and they at least showed some signs of life. They’ve clearly scrimmed a lot of different comps and looked at least vaguely competent in them, which is more than dallas valiant and london can say. They tried to go for a lot of clutches which never rly worked. they tried to adapt, but nyxl outmatched them and kinda drove them away. Axxiom and fusions were coordinated and i liked their dive, their double shield not so much. boston dps were holding their own, swimmer and myunbong were too, there’s not rly a carry on this team. axxiom i think is being slept on tho. They could definitely kite better and coordinate more, and make faster/smarter swaps, but they at least looked pretty synergized. They were clearly outmatched but they def looked better throughout the whole series than london did vs nyxl after the first 2 maps. Boston seems like a B- tier team to me, but they could be better and i do want to see them play more before im certain abt this. I’d call this a quality loss despite the scoreline

vancouver: Titans clearly didn’t prep much for this match and didn’t respect valiant as much as they should have. There’s no weak points on this team, just that all of them went for clutches they shouldn’t have and got punished for it bc they assumed valiant would be weaker than they were. Titans hate being methodical but are great when they are. When they subbed stitch in, they went for more dumb plays it seemed like, so i bet sms is the one keeping them chill. Fissure’s playing bumper style (taking space and dying for it) but quieter, which I like, bc it means they can pocket haksal harder and let twilight go for more plays. Good adaptations, great plays, great synergy, once titans got their feet under them and downloaded valiant it was over. Their dive was soooo clean. Nothing to be said about this roster that hasnt been said already (theyre the best). This is classic titans and im glad to see losing bumper hasnt completely stopped them from doing dumb shit, cuz even if it hurts me to watch its fun. They should be absolutely fine with hero pools, S tier.

valiant: Valiant only have one comp and theyre Very good at it, especially in the mirror, but theyre having trouble adapting to titans. They have very high highs and very low lows, they also try to clutch sometimes and fuck up. When the team pops off theyre sick, when they dont they… dont. Gig is a madlad. I do like that they prepped for the titan’s bap strat on lijiang and shut it down entirely, that was very good coaching, but they weren’t able to adapt to non-mirror matches after that. They might get fucked by hero pools bc they didn’t show anything successfully other than rein/dva variations, but we’ll see. I'm finding them fun to watch and I'm interested to see if they can consistently maintain their peak play. B tier, i think their weaknesses are more exploitable than boston’s but that boston would lose to them. Id compare them to hunters last year but if hunters played meta

shock: I didnt watch this match super close tbh. Shock looks strong as usual, but they stumbled far too much for my liking when they let doha and decay get value but otherwise incredibly dominant. Architect’s ana got sooooo much value as the series went on, beautiful sleeps beautiful nades beautiful nanos etc *chefs kiss.* i dont think shock prepped super hard for them, and they rly couldve adapted better on horizon and won that map, but it was overall dominant. They seemed pretty rusty honestly but theyre still good, but they should be pissed they got fullheld on horizon. I’m not going to draw any conclusions from this game when it comes to shock bc its one game and its their first game back. S tier, they’ll be fine with hero pools.

Dallas: Dallas looked way better than yesterday, when decay and doha were unleashed and it was less about taking space they were monsters. Tank play was better but not great, glad theyre not making note play rein anymore. Decay is a god and doha played around him really well and his walls were sick. When decay couldn’t play mccree and couldnt get support, there was nothing dallas could do. Gamsu… seemed a bit tilted and used ults he shouldnt have. There were also communication issues, it didnt seem like trill called some of his shatters which meant the team couldnt follow up. They weren’t able to adapt that well without set strats, and other teams will use that to their advantage. Once a team figures out how to shut down doha and decay the game is over. C tier, will struggle in hero pools

right now rankings for me go titans, nyxl shock in S tier, glads in A tier, toronto, paris, valiant, boston in B tier, dallas, london in C tier

[the-goddess-of-change]

Strange occurrences (requested)

its the first day back to school and Ben, Claire and Tim is walking home after a boring first day of school as the summer sun is still brightly shining down at them scorching the sidewalk and them Ben look over at Claire and sighs ''that can't be real...you're probably just sleep deprived because its hot as hell...'' Claire pouts and looks over at him ''No! i promise, i saw some strange lights in the sky! it was real!'' She nods seriously as their other friend Tim laughs with them as they walk home from school on this hot august day ''So you saw some bright lights in the sky and just assumed it was an UFO? it could have been a plane or something'' Claire pouts ''yeah but it didnt look like one and it looked like it was standing still...but i dont know...i'm not saying it was an ufo i'm just saying it was crazy'' Ben nods ''maybe it was an ufo, that would be kinda cool tho'' Tim nods ''Yeah, wonder what they would have looked like...'' They all nod and agree as they start imagining what they would have looked like ''But it was probably just something else'' Claire nods seriously Ben wipes some sweat from his forehead and looks up at the sky Ben then sighs and takes a sip from his bottle of soda ''Damn it's hot...i cant like...focus and i'm all tired from waking up early and going to school again...'' Tim and Claire agrees with him as they keep on chatting about their day and telling stories of the summer vacation they had ''so like...you were home the whole summer Ben?'' Ben nods at her ''Yeah...my mom was sick then my sister got sick and when they got better they just stayed at home since mom bought a pool so...i guess that was good enough'' Claire looks over at him ''but i thought...Tina was kinda rich isnt she ?'' Ben just shrugs ''she has money but like...i dont know what she spends it on, other than food and stuff, she does buy expensive outfits a lot but...she dont really travel much'' 'oh yeah...speaking of outfits...'' Tim chimes in ''Who you gonna invite for the winter ball Claire?'' Ben blushes gently as he hear Tim asking about it so nonchalantly Claire just shrugs '' i am not sure yet...and its in like 5 months...im not stressing about it right now'' ''Fair enough ''Tim says and looks over at Ben ''You going to ask her out Ben ? dont you got a crush on Claire?'' Ben looks over at him blushing but looking angry ''i dont have a crush on Claire...'' Tim just laughs ''no of course not, im sorry'' he grins as Claire is giggling ''Maybe ill ask ben or he will ask me, who knows, its still summer and why are we talking about this now?'' ''just messing with Ben'' Tim laughs as Ben reaches his home ''Ah that went fast, take care guys'' Ben says goodbye to them and find his sister Catherine dripping water in the kitchen getting some soda ''oh, hey little bro, how was school?'' Ben shrugs ''went fine...you swimming in the pool again?'' Catherine nods and smiles ''Yeah me and mom are chilling in the pool since its so hot and all'' Ben nods slowly and head out to the pool where he finds tina chilling on a lounge chair with a glass of cold white wine ''Hey dear how are you ?'' ''I'm good thanks mom'' Ben looks over at her ''inst that a bit early?'' Tina just laughs gently and sips her wine ''Not really, its a nice summer day and i still got my vacation so i'm all good, buuuuuuutttt, did you ask Claire out for the winter ball ?'' ''What the hell....no..why ? its august...'' ''oh ? well you should, time pass and suddenly she might get asked out by someone else'' Tina giggles as Catherine walks out ''Maybe its the outfit that's the issue, remember the time you bought him a prom dress ?'' Tina giggles and nods ''Yeah, that was fun, to bad you didnt wear it'' they both giggle as Ben sighs ''....you...why would i ever wear it ? and you even bought it in XS that's to small even for you!'' Tina pouts ''i could probably fit in it'' Ben just sighs and heads back inside and goes and get some food from the kitchen, luckily they had made some food that was still warm so Ben eats some food as Tina and Catherine walks inside ''Hey dear, our pool isnt cold enough so we are going to the beach together can you stay home and make sure nothing happens ?'' Ben sighs ''Nothing is gonna happen, cant you just say you want me to stay home ?'' ''You want to stay home ? Great! See you soon then'' they both smile and head out as Ben is left alone in the house as usual ''they always go out together and make fun of me...but screw them! ill ask out Claire tomorrow and prove it to them im not some coward!'' Ben keeps on eating his food as he imagines himself and Claire at the winter prom together The fake snow on the ground...the slow romantic music being played...them holding hands, Claire in her beautiful prom dress and Ben in his awesome suit looking amazing ''Yeah...'' Ben smiles gently to himself as he imagine them dancing to a song that ends with them embracing a kiss together as the song ends, they look into each other eyes and finally their lips touch making the whole dance magical...a winter miracle Ben smiles to himself still closing his eyes as some of the food on the fork falls down on his lap waking him up from his daydream ''oh..damn...'' Ben sighs Ben finishes up his food and puts the tray away in the washer and heads upstairs But high above him, further than he can see a strange looking portal opens up ''Universal jump complete!, successfully arrived at destination!'' a strange robotic voice is heard inside the strange capsule that slowly exits from the portal, inside the capsule the robotic AI keeps on talking ''planet confirmed to be earth, now scanning for Host'' a screen inside the ship lights up as it scans the people of earth til it lands on Ben ''Host found, Begin mission'' The capsule flies towards earth and its destination as the ones inside looks on at the screen and drives the capsule looking aircraft towards its destination After a refreshing shower i grab a towel and start drying myself with it and walk over to my room to find some clothes, i look in my underwear and pick up some boxers as i turn to the mirror and notice something behind me, i quickly turn around and looks at it, it looks like some kinda drone...but not like any i've seen before, i freak out and throw the towel at it ''Dammit! stop doing shit like that!'' i yell at it thinking its the neighbors fooling around again since i know he has a drone but...it looks much more...detailed and different than last time i saw it, i keep looking at it still feeling freaked out as its just flying there in mid-air i slowly walk over and look at it and gently poke it as i feel the metal again my skin i walk over to the window to look if someone is messing with me but i cant see anyone which...makes sense considering if it was some prank why would they just stand on the outside, i walk back and look at the drone and notice that it doesn't seem to have a camera at all for some strange reason it then lights up slowly and look at me as i close the curtains ''Target found: scanned target is identified as Ben, race, human, skin: Caucasian'' ''What the...'' i stand there looking at it in a gentle state of shock ''how does it know my name ? and target ?'' ''Releasing life form for current how'' it says in the same robotic tone as it opens up and inside the drone some weird looking slime is pulsating inside it, its wriggling and jiggling inside the drone looking almost lifelike or...like the symbiote parasite from the spiderman universe i take a gentle closer look at it as i'm taken back as it jumps out of the drone and lands on my hand in an instant i freak out and wiggle my arms trying to get it of but it sticks to my arm like well...slime, i then try to use my other arm to push it but as i do the slime grabs onto my other arm as well leaving both my arms and hands stuck inside the slimey substance and i can feel it crawling up my skin ''What the hell is this!'' i scream shocked and afraid as i keep waving my arms trying to get it off me ''Get off me! get off me!!!'' i yell to no avail as it keeps on creeping up ''this is insane, what is this thing!'' i wiggle my arms even more as some of the slime does fall of but slowly just creeps onto my legs instead ''What the hell is this thing!'' i scream loudly as i keep trying to get it of me the slime on my legs starts to slowly creep up my legs and covering my stomach as the one on my arms does the same thing, slowly covering my entire body from the neck down to my feet i try to move but for some reason i can barely move my feet, its like the slime is restricting my movements as well making it hard to walk my arms feels the same as i can barely hold them out as i just lose the feeling in my arms and they just hang down as i feel the slime pulsating around me ''i cant move...someone! help!'' i yell out but no one hears my call for help the drone then starts ''speaking'' again in the same robotic voice ''Target is requesting explanation of situation, contacting headquarters for permission....waiting....waiting...waiting'' ''Headquarters ? what is going on...'' i say feeling pretty weak it goes on like that for a bit til it stops repeating the same words and says something else ''Affirmative, can respond, Target named Ben is covered in the living substance slowly entering the pores in his human body rewriting the DNA and body structure of host'' ''What ? altering my body ?`what ? who sent you! '' i manage to say as i look at it ''The artificial slime is created in a lab by us to rewrite human DNA and body structure once in contact with host, it wont release its grip til alteration is complete'' ''Yeah...i heard that but...'' ''Human host is asking questions which makes no sense based on the situation, repeating what was just told'' it repeats what it just said again ''Who sent you!'' i yell out at it ''Information about that is classified'' ''Well fine! but if i change i demand to know i cant just move on without knowing that!'' ''Error, Error, when host takes over it will control the current body, you will have nothing to say former host based on previous experience will be a passenger in the new body yet still capable of feeling the same human emotions the new form will experience'' ''What ?'' i say feeling taken back by that answer feeling a sense of dread coursing trough my body as my eyes widen ''you...you cant do this...i have a life...i am...you can't!'' ''irrelevant! irrelevant, proceeding to next phase in 10 seconds...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2....1...transformation starting now'' i stare in horror at the drone as my right arm lifts up by itself and the slime is slowly creeping into my body, slowly changing my arm as it does, my skin turns a gentle brown color it also grows longer, a gold bracelet forms around my wrist and my fingernails turns longer and a coat of red nail polish is slowly applied to my fingers but to my horror i can now feel my arm again, it feels lighter and smoother for some reason as i try to move my right hand it feels like its moving on its own but its not over yet as the same happens to my left arm, slowly changing as well and growing longer to fit the size of the right arm, they look pretty much the same except the bracelet on this arm is pink instead i look at my arms as they are moving around outside of my control and fixing on the bracelet as i notice they are...much darker in skin tone than my own white skin ''W-Wait ? are you turning me into...a woman ? a black woman ?'' ''Affirmative, that is the current command of the slime's procedure yes, Current end goal is a female human'' Before i could react the slime that was covering my legs seeped into my skin changing my skin tone, growing longer and smoother going up to my thighs as i can feel them getting more wider in the leg area, as my feet starts moving on their own, one leg rises up as a coat of red nail polish is slowly applied to an a pair of gold high heels slowly forms around them, it then puts the foot back down and lifts up the other as the same happens to that with the nail polish and the shoes it then put the other foot down as i stand there in high heels, i can feel it around my feet but...it feels strange, although i can feel my arms and legs i cant move them... yet i struggle to keep my balance for a second but the slime keeps my balance fine it's a strange sensation i can't really describe as i look down at my legs  with horror, the slime is still covering my stomach up to my neck as well... the slime slowly seeps into my skin around my waist and lower regions as i can feel my waist slimming in on itself and my stomach getting flatter as i struggle a bit to breathe as it happens ''Current status is 45% complete, will keep on reporting'' the drone says as i look over at it and can feel something strange inside me i struggle to breathe as i feel something between my legs, first i can feel an intense pain in my lower stomach like someone just hit me in the nether regions for a bit til i feel my manhood slowly shrinking and going into my body, i feel a slight tingle and i feel a gentle sense of dizziness then nothing....it fades away almost as soon as it hit me then i feel it, my whole body is tingling and i feel a gentle warmth inside me as i can feel something between my legs, a wet..feeling and some panties forming down there i start to freak out as i know whats going on, my manhood is gone replaced with...the womanhood of this body....the feeling of the panties against my skin but as i try to react i can just feel more happening across my body...my butt grows bigger and rounder making it plump and nice i try to force myself to move my arms but nothing works as the slime on my shoulders seeps into my skin reshaping my shoulders to match my current bodily form and arms lastly the last slime on my body seeps into the skin around my chest, it feels like i was punched in the chest as i can feel some sort of pain i want to move my arms and push down on the afflicted area but i cant move my arms...i look down as i see my chest starting to balloon out growing bigger and rounder...a pair of breasts slowly being formed on my chest ''Current target has changed 100% from the neck down'' the robot says as i'm to busy looking down at them i keep on looking down as something strange happens, some fabric slowly spreads across my breasts forming a colorful floral looking bra and the rest of my body a similarly colored shaped dress spreads across my body the dress seems to fit my body pretty good and the bra seems to help with holding my breasts in place....who'd have guessed but the soft fabric feels nice against my skin i try to force myself to move to no avail since my body moves on its own and turns to look at the mirror looking back at me i see that from the neck down i am a total woman...nothing of my former male body is left... it then start to pose in front of the mirror as if to mock me for some reason... ''Target fully female from the neck down for now, moving onto facial reconfiguration soon, Sending commands to the slime life form, Free will, personality changes, its own memories and emotions and skills, so we are sending signals so it will be given free will based on what is transmitted'' ''.......Transmission received, giving commands and personalia to host'' ''Name: Laura'' ''Age: 26'' ''Date of birth: 15/6/1992'' ''Race: Native Hawaiian'' ''Occupation: Manicurist'' ''Hobbies: Fashion, Beauty, fitness, exercise, Traveling, Swimming'' ''Likes: Friends, social gatherings, drinks, warm weather, more will be added as life form goes on'' ''Dislikes: mean people, sodas, humidity, rain, more will be added as life form goes on'' ''But wait no no no...i...i have a life...dreams...ambitions...i was going to ask my crush out even! you can't do this to me!!!'' ''Irrelevant'' the drone says Them drone floats above my head as i struggle to move my body as usual and drops something some of the slime on my head as it slowly seeps down my face and neck i struggle to breath as i can feel it covering my mouth and nose and my neck starts to feel tight ''I...what...stop it! Someone help!!'' i manage to yell out as some of the slime drips down my throat ''Noooooooooo!!!!'' i yell All i can see trough my eyes are the weird colored slime blocking my sight as something weird happens, it feels like my face is becoming smoother and smoother, i start to lose my vision as if my eyes are disappearing and so is my mouth, nose and ears even my hair... i see nothing...i hear nothing...i want to scream...but i have no mouth...nothing... Ben falls into a state of unconsciousness as his face now just resembles a blob with no features as the slime slowly seeps into the pores trough his skin In this state of unconsciousness the effect of the slime is slowly doing its work on Ben's face Starting with the neck is slowly removes Ben's Adam's apple as it shrinks more and more and fades away Ben's face slowly starts to morph into something resembling a human face as the eyes return back so does the ears, mouth, nose, mouth and such, his eyes the slowly start to grow into resembling something befitting of a human face, a human female face if we shall be specific here Ben's hair turns long and black with some gentle curves to them as they roll down below his bra Ben blinks a few times as he something snaps inside him as the head starts to move unwillingly and turns to look at the Reflection in the mirror yet again the face is fully feminine with even make-up having been applied to it by the slime those dark brown eyes perfectly fitting the rest of his newly formed appearance ''This looks much better than i would have expected'' The voice says admiring her looks in the mirror ''i would go so far as to say it looks...Divine'' it giggles to itself   I try so speak or say something but nothing comes out, i feel a sense of dread and shock as my whole body is now moving without me controlling it rather someone else...but i can feel what she is feeling and she is feeling...happiness... this...person is controlling me... The person or...Laura as i guess her name is poses in front of the mirror making kissing faces and doing twirls as she looks around the room ''Transformation 100% complete, current host has fully taken over previous owners body'' I wanted to scream something to the drone but nothing came out... ''Thank you, i assume you will take care of the rest from here yeah ?'' Laura says looking at the drone ''This cant be happening! why wont my voice come out! what is even going on! i still dont understand!'' i scream as loud as i can but no one hears me... ''As for the final act, i will organize your memories and send you to a place more suited for you but you will not remember being created'' the drone says ''i will probably forget all about you, inside me but...dont worry, you will experience everything i feel, see, and do'' she winks at her reflection the mirror at...herself but more likely...me ''We are going to have so much fun together!'' Laura squeals as the drone flies towards her and starts blinking some lights faster and faster our vision goes black and once again i feel nothing, it is as if i am drifting trough an endless void of nothing... i dont know what's going on...i will be sent away...trapped in this...strange room, i feel afraid...shocked and unsure about my future even or if i even have one now i will be trapped here forever...or...til she...dies and what happens then...and i feel what...she feels...will i feel her happiness ? it felt like i did before...will i feel her other emotions ? her sadness ?...and...her love ? urges...taste what she eats...what...i didnt want to think about it I finally see something...light...my eyes open up and my body stretches as it wakes up in a large bed I yawn and gently sit up in my bed and look around, it looks like a pretty standard bedroom, a bed, windows...a laptop on a desk and a drawer full of clothes my legs move on their own as i gently get out of the bed and stretches, it walks over to the window and as i look outside i see clear blue skies, palm tress and large open sand beaches the window is open so a gentle breeze flows inside as my hair gently sways ''Looks like another beautiful day!'' the voice says as she goes to the bathroom and fixes up her hair, weirdly i am still wearing the outfit and the make-up on my face looks...intact Laura smiles to herself in the mirror and keeps on brushing her hair after she is done she start to  wash her hands as she walks out of the bathroom and into her kitchen and grabs some milk and some breakfast and starts to eat i hate milk...but as she lifts up and it goes down my throat...it feels weird...i hate it but...it tastes okay for some reason.. even her food tastes good... Laura finishes her food and puts them in the dishwasher and takes another sip of the milk and heads over to the door She grabs a white purse and looks inside, inside the purse there is some lipstick...a wallet, some condoms and some other miscellaneous items ''Condoms ? what...'' i say to myself as she grabs the door handle and steps outside into the warm summer weather ''im..trapped here forever...aren't i ? how am i ever going to survive all this i have no choice but to find out i guess''

[sp4c3-0ddity]

Jumpstart Your Heart

it feels like it’s been a while right?? well, it’s been raining for a few days every week for about a month, so take ~4400 words of post-canon fluff (where Allura lived though it doesn’t really matter tbh). enjoy!! 

Pidge’s car refuses to start.

Fat raindrops steadily pelt her windshield, the lights in the Target parking lot blurring through the streaks of water on the glass. The chill of the winter air fills the interior, her breath misting out in front of her, and when she turns her key in the ignition, all she gets is a stuttering choking sound.

Pidge growls as her forehead falls against the steering wheel. All she wanted from Target was a jar of peanut butter and a bottle of orange juice for tomorrow’s breakfast, but all she got was stranded.

(Well, and the peanut butter and juice; those, along with a bag of cherry-flavored licorice that looked really good on the shelf but tasted awful the instant she tore apart the first strip, lay safely inside a paper grocery bag on the backseat.)

This is fine though! She was a Defender of the Universe - she was in worse situations before launching into space in a blue, lion-shaped weapon of mass destruction. What’s a little car trouble to a Paladin of Voltron?

Pidge drums her fingers on the steering wheel, thinking…she has a jumper cable in the trunk, right? Or, no, she let Hunk borrow it last time he was on Earth and forgot to ask for it back. Maybe another total stranger in the parking lot would have one - and a working car battery - and be willing to help her out? If they need convincing, she can even put on the old gremlin Pidge voice for them.

What drained her battery anyway? It’s not like she has to worry about leaving her headlights turned on when they’re supposed to turn off automatically!

Wait, when was the last time she had the battery changed?

“Quiznak,” Pidge grumbles when she realizes she’s never changed the battery. She spends all day - and sometimes night - designing some of the most advanced ships and weaponry in the universe, but her own damn car still has the battery she bought it with.

She’s going to have to call for help.

Right as the thought crosses her mind, her phone vibrates in her jacket pocket. She fumbles for it with stiff, cold fingers, expecting it to be her mother wondering if she’s home yet (never mind that she moved out of her parents’ house and into her own Garrison-issued apartment almost a year ago) only to be greeted with an alert from the weather service.

A flash flood warning for her county of residence.

“This is fine,” Pidge tells herself despite her heart skipping a beat in alarm. She’s never seen it rain this hard and for so long in this corner of Arizona; is a tsunami of muddy water about to wash across the Target parking lot and sweep her and her traitorous car away while she deliberates?

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she mumbles, scowling at her rain-streaked reflection in the window. “Tsunamis occur as a result of earthquakes, and I’m nowhere near the coast.”

But what if the dam on the river—

Pidge unlocks her phone and dials the first number on her “recent calls” list without glancing at the contact name. Her leg shakes, but she can’t tell if it’s from agitation or the shivers occasionally gripping her.

“Pidge!” Lance greets her cheerfully at the other end. “How’s it going? Not that I’m not happy to hear from you, but since when do you—”

“Lance,” she cuts himself off, “do you have a jumper cable?” Usually speaking to him on the phone leaves her a tad breathless and her palms so slick with sweat she risks dropping anything she’s holding - why does a simple phone call feel so intimate anyway? It’s weird; she calls her parents and brother on the phone all the time! - but now urgency steadies her voice.

“Right to the point, huh?” Lance muses with a chuckle. “Where are you?”

“Uh…the Target by the state highway two miles off-base,” Pidge tells him.

Lance laughs and wonders, “The peanut butter at the commissary not good enough for you?”

Her face warms - is she really that predictable? - but she muffles an irritated groan with her sleeve. “The commissary’s not open this late.”

“Yeah, I guess you could’ve just walked there too,” he adds.

“In the rain?” Pidge snorts. “I’m not crazy enough to risk pneumonia like you.”

“Hey, sometimes I like the simple things,” Lance says, “and one of those is walking around in the rain.”

As if on cue, the downpour becomes a torrent, the sky dumping buckets of water on her car where she sits huddling in the driver’s seat. “Oh, really?” Pidge retorts, rolling her eyes. “You’d better not walk here unless you want me to use your quintessence as if it’s a thirteen-volt battery.”

“Please, I know you need another car to jumpstart your battery,” Lance says. “And since you asked so nicely, I’ll even bring you my umbrella since I’m guessing you didn’t bother with yours when you left.”

Pidge slumps in her seat, tugging her hood over her face as if he’s there to witness her embarrassment when she admits, “That would be…nice.”

(Too bad an umbrella won’t keep puddles from soaking into her socks.)

“All right, hang tight, Pidge!” Lance says. “I’m already in my car, so I’ll be there in a bit.”

Huh, so some of the rain she hears is on his end. “I’ll be here,” Pidge mumbles, “waiting for you…as usual.”

“Hey, don’t be like that!” he says over the rumbling of his car’s engine. “Your knight-in-shining-armor - your very own Sir Lancelot - is on his way to rescue you!”

“Great!” Pidge says with false cheer. Sure, Lance is coming to get her, but she’s still stranded in the rain after the weather service broadcast a flash flood warning to her phone. “Just don’t die because you’re talking on your phone while driving in the dark during a storm.”

“If the Galra and a bunch of other crazy aliens couldn’t kill me, this won’t.”

Pidge runs her fingers through her rain-soaked ponytail and grumbles, “It better not, so please put your phone away and concentrate on driving.”

“All right, fine,” Lance says, and she can almost hear him rolling his eyes. “I thought you found the sound of my voice soothing or something…”

Ah, right, she told him that a few nights ago when she made the mistake of calling him after a nightmare kept her from falling back to sleep.

"It's not like I'm about to have a panic attack now," Pidge bites.

"You sure you're okay, Pidge?"

The concern in his voice...startles her; is he worried a tsunami will wash her away too?

Well, she already decided that fear is completely irrational, so she forces a smile onto her face and says, "I'm fine now that I know you're on your way, Lance."

"Uh—" He breaks off with a cough before he falls silent, the only sound coming from her phone the low hum of his car's radio.

"Lance?" Pidge prompts. "Are you—"

"Fine!" Lance exclaims brightly. "Great since my car still has a working battery! I'll be there in ten minutes, so see you, Pidge!"

He hangs up without giving her the chance to reply.

Pidge, not a little confused, stares at her phone's screen until it darkens, her brow furrowed. She's known Lance for the better part of a decade, but his behavior can still be such a mystery to her, especially of late. It’s almost as if he l—

Maybe she should just take the direct approach and ask him if anything's eating at him.

Luckily Lance doesn't leave her with enough time to really puzzle over it. His car's headlights flash obnoxiously - the jerk has his high-beams on! - through her windshield as he pulls into the parking spot in front of hers. A heartbeat later the driver's door swings open and Lance steps out, opening a Sailor Moon umbrella.

(She makes a mental note to ask - or tease - him about it later, and she won't take "It's my niece's" for an answer.)

He raises a hand and waves, his face barely discernible through the water splattered on her windshield, but she opens her door when he rounds his car.

The sound of the rain was muffled with her ensconced insider her car, but now it hammers down, pattering against Lance's umbrella and hitting her face as she turns to him.

"Hope you didn't miss me too much," Lance says, voice louder than usual to make himself heard over the rain.

Pidge raises an eyebrow and points out, "I saw you at work on Thursday." Never mind that something in her chest loosens at the sight of the smile - warmer than this quiznaking miserable weather - curling his lips...

"And yet you were desperate enough to drain your battery just for an excuse to call me for help." Lance's smile morphs into a smirk that has the unfortunate side effect of both irritating and endearing her.

Pidge snorts and mutters, "As if I need an excuse." She presses the button to pop her hood open before turning back to Lance. "Where's the jumper cable?"

Lance jerks his thumb over his shoulder. "In my trunk. Just wanted to make sure you were okay first." His gaze drifts over her, making her skin crawl with heat, but then he assesses, "You look a little cold."

Pidge rubs her arms, his comment reminding her of her trembling. "No k-kidding, so can we hurry up and jumpstart my car?"

"Okay, okay." Lance raises the hand not holding onto his umbrella defensively. "I forgot how bossy you are."

"I'm not bossy!" she retorts, but by then he's already retreated to his car, the rain covering up the sound of her voice.

But not the sound of his feet splashing through puddles.

Pidge sighs. What are the odds Lance knows how to jumpstart a car? Will he know on which terminal the black clamp goes? Will she need to show him?

Lance is a pilot; of course he knows how to do something so simple as jumpstarting a car, especially if he owns a jumper cable! But Pidge should step outside and hover near him...just in case.

Pidge winces the instant water soaks into her shoes - she should've worn boots rather than sneakers - but follows Lance to the front of her car. His umbrella handle is tucked awkwardly under his arm while he works on attaching the clamps of the jumper cable to her car's battery, his brow furrowed rather sweetly in concentration, at least until Pidge takes the umbrella.

He glances up in surprise, turning to her with wide eyes before a slow grin stretches over his lips. "For a tick I thought you were going to make me do this alone."

"Maybe if it wasn't raining," Pidge teases. She raises the umbrella over both their heads, huddling under its poor approximation of shelter.

(Lance is a better source of warmth anyway.)

Lance attaches a red clamp to the positive terminal on her car's battery and the black clamp to something metal. She trails after him to his car but can't help wondering, "You shut the ignition off, right?"

Lance frowns at her. "Can't you see the engine isn't on, Pidge?"

She smiles sheepishly and says, "Yes, now that you point it out."

"Then quit micromanaging me."

She shivers as he attaches the remaining two clamps to his car's battery, rain soaking into her clothes despite her efforts to stay under the umbrella. Her cold fingers loosen around the handle, too stiff to hold on properly, and she can't help a relieved shudder when Lance tells her it's time.

Her engine roars into life, a gleeful laugh escaping her when Lance whoops over the sound of two engines and the rain. "Perfect," she mumbles. "Now to let it charge for a few minutes..."

Her engine shudders and dies.

"What?" Pidge exclaims, her heart jumping into her throat. She smacks the steering wheel - as if that'll do any good - and groans, "No..."

A tapping on her window makes her jump, and she opens her door to Lance, sans Sailor Moon umbrella with his hood pulled over his head. "Didn't last, huh?" he observes regretfully.

Pidge shakes her head, slouching. "I'll have to buy a new battery in the morning," she says, "and..." She bites her lip before wondering, "Can you give me a ride home?"

Lance meets her eyes before he smiles and says, "I'll do you one better. You can spend the night at my place, and in the morning I'll take you to buy the battery before bringing you back here."

Pidge's jaw drops, but when she recovers - though her cheeks still feel hot enough to warm the interior of her car if only all the doors were closed - she says, "Lance, you don't have to do that. I can call my dad tomorrow and—"

"So you'll make me drive twice more in the rain?" Lance says, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow - which, frankly, looks absurd with his hair plastered to his head and water dripping down his face. "And one of those times without you to supervise me and make sure I don't commit some atrocity like texting while driving?"

Pidge throws up her hands and asks, "What are you, a teenager who just got his license?"

"Nope." Lance leans down, close enough to her level she can imagine the warmth of his breath touching her forehead. "Just a concerned friend who wants to do you a favor."

"Do you...owe me something?" Pidge wonders suspiciously.

"Come on, Pidge!" Lance rests his hands on her shoulders and shakes her slightly. "Let's have a sleepover like we used to on the Castle! You'll get warm and dry and be able to fall asleep to the sound of my oh-so-soothing voice if you want"—is he...blushing?—"and I'll even feed you. I might even have some hot chocolate mix and bread for you to slap some of that peanut butter onto if you want."

"But...I need pajamas," Pidge protests, though she knows she's already fighting a losing battle. "And a toothbrush—"

"I have an unused one," Lance says with a dismissive wave of his hand, "and I'll lend you something to sleep in. So...what do you say?"

Pidge's jaw flaps uselessly, taking in his hopeful expression and wondering if she can really make an objective decision about this with her heart hammering - does she really want to spend the night with Lance? - and with his obviously faked guilt trip.

"Fine," Pidge grumbles. Lance grins so brightly, his fist pumping, that she can't help a smile of her own.

But that doesn't stop her from warning him, "On one condition: I am not sharing my peanut butter with you."

Lance's car hydroplanes twice on the way to his apartment complex a few blocks from Garrison premises. Pidge holds tight to her seat belt, her heart bouncing in her chest until tires touch wet asphalt again.

Both times, she turns to Lance and socks his shoulder before saying, "Quit trying to kill us!"

Both times, he screeches in indignation and rubs his shoulder before retorting, "Quit trying to kill me!"

Both times, she retorts, "I barely hit you!"

And both times, he snorts before rolling his eyes and smiling with a fondness that makes her heart skip a beat for a reason that has little to do with fear that he'll skid off a cliff or into an overflowing canal.

"Relax!" Lance says after the second time. "I've got this, Pidge. I've driven in the middle of a hurricane before, so this is nothing."

Pidge crosses her arms. "You do know I have your mom's contact information and I can literally call her to fact check that claim?"

Lance laughs but presses a hand to his chest. "Oh, Pidge, you wound me by not trusting your old war comrade's words." When she continues to stare at him with her lips pressed together, utterly unimpressed, he scratches his ear sheepishly and confesses, "Fine, it was just a dying tropical storm, but come on!" He gestures broadly and adds, "We've been in the middle of space dogfights, so this really is nothing."

Pidge, in the end, can't fight her smile at the reminder - for all the misery that all caused her and her family and her planet - but she turns to the rain-streaked passenger window to hide it. "Just keep both hands on the steering wheel," she mumbles.

"As you wish, my dear Pidge," Lance says almost snidely, and she's pleased when he actually listens.

His apartment is familiar - she's visited many times by day or dry evening to play video games or watch a movie while eating takeout from that bizarre "Earth-alien" fusion place on the corner - but the walk from Lance's assigned parking spot to the door on the second floor deck feels long in the downpour.

Before Pidge can open the passenger door, Lance's hand on her arm freezes her. "Wait," he says. "I'll come around with the umbrella so you don't get too wet."

"You don't have to—" But his door shuts behind him, and Pidge barely sets foot outside - right in a puddle that soaks into her sneakers and the hems of her poor leggings - when he's there to greet her.

"By the way," Pidge says as he raises the umbrella over both their heads and she unthinkingly loops her arm through his, "what's with the Sailor Moon?"

Lance flushes, but he hides it well by reaching around her to grab her grocery bag and shove it into her free arm. "It's my, uh, niece's."

Pidge smirks. "I knew you'd say that."

"Let's just go inside," he grumbles.

They hightail it, running awkwardly standing close together under the umbrella before they give up on it and sprint full tilt, splashing through puddles with raindrops hitting her face and soaking into her hair when her hood flies off her head.

Pidge storms up the stairs ahead of Lance, and when her foot nearly slips out from under her, her breath escaping her in shock, he catches her around the waist. But she doesn't pause to consider the imprint of his touch on her, and by the time he unlocks his door and they pile into the warmth of his apartment, Pidge is shivering too violently to do much more than stand in her soaked clothes and tremble.

Lance shucking off his own wet jacket is enough to get her to move. She tugs hers off, handing it to him to hang on a hook from the shower rod in the bathroom, before kicking off her sneakers and peeling off her disgustingly wet socks and sinking her toes into the warm carpet in front of a vent blasting hot air.

Pidge shudders in relief, squatting in front of it as she combs her fingers through her sodden ponytail. She'll have to do something about all the tangles now too...

Lance clears his throat behind her, and she stands to see him handing her a towel and a set of old clothes. "You can, uh, change in the bathroom. I'll be in...the bedroom...changing my own clothes."

"Right." Pidge watches him retreat, his back to her while she admires the way his soaked shirt clings to his shoulders and shows off how the muscles in his back move.

And then he pauses in his bedroom doorway to glance over his shoulder, his eyes widening when they catch hers.

Heat rushes to her face when he turns back around and stretches his arms over his head with a groan before tugging off his shirt.

Pidge spins on her heel and buries her face in the towel he gave her. Did he do that because she was watching?

"Quiznak," she curses, her voice muffled in fabric.

Despite the chill she just escaped, Pidge splashes cold water onto her face once she's safely ensconced in the privacy of the bathroom. She's just here to spend the night, to accept the favor Lance offered her with no strings attached (for now), to maybe chat and play games with him before she catches a few hours of sleep on his surprisingly comfortable sofa.

No, she won't think about running her fingers through his damp hair or tracing the Blue Lion tattoo that peeks out of his shirt collar or feeling his breath warming her face or press her lips against his like she's wanted to do for years.

No, she won't think about damaging almost a decade of friendship for a kiss he might not want.

(But what if he...does?)

Pidge changes into the clothes Lance provided - an old, baggy t-shirt and a pair of soccer shorts with drawstrings she has to tie very securely - and brushes her teeth with a toothbrush she finds under the sink buried in a stockpile of beauty and hygiene products. She leaves her hair in its ponytail and figures it’ll be one problem to tackle in the morning.

She emerges from the bathroom and heads straight for the kitchen, intent on the snack she craved enough to leave her own apartment to drive to Target in the middle of a dreary winter storm. She locates a bag of bread in the fridge and pops two slices in the toaster before shrugging and helping herself to a Granny Smith apple. She cuts it up and dips the slices directly into the jar of peanut butter.

That’s how Lance finds her, sitting on the kitchen counter munching on apple slices and crunchy peanut butter right as the toaster disgorges her burnt toast.

Pidge offers him the jar. “Want some?”

Lance - looking comfortable in a bathrobe over his pajamas - stands across from her and raises an eyebrow. “I thought you weren’t sharing with me.”

“I changed my mind out of the kindness of my heart,” she deadpans before her sarcasm fails and she flashes him a smile. She shakes the jar and nods at the toast. “Hope you don’t mind that it’s a little burnt?”

Lance laughs. “Lucky for you, I don’t.” He takes the slices - wincing and gasping “ah!” when they prove too hot - and drops them into a plate before grabbing a knife.

They share their snack quietly, with Lance leaning against the counter beside her. And when it’s a little too much - when his arm brushing against hers makes goosebumps rise across her skin - Pidge blurts, “Thank you.”

Lance turns to her, his eyes wide. “For…what?”

She bites her lip and stares at a fleck of peanut butter stuck to her middle finger. “For coming to get me in the middle of a storm and letting me spend the night even though I live literally ten minutes away.”

Lance smiles when she dares to glance at him. “What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t invite you over?”

“A…sane one, maybe.”

He snorts and walks off to wash his hands at the sink. “Good thing I’m crazy about you then.”

“Yes, good—” Pidge stares disbelievingly at the back of his head, her breath catching and heat flooding her and…yes, Lance’s ears are definitely turning red. Maybe she misheard her or just misinterpreted him. He can’t possibly have said what she thinks he did. “What?”

She holds her breath as Lance turns to face her, something intense but…familiar in his gaze, almost trapping her in place. Her heart pounds too quickly as he approaches her, one step at a time, every second dragging yet passing so fast when he stands right in front of her too soon.

“Lance,” she says, and she might’ve hated how breathy it sounds if he didn’t capture her lips in his the instant his name escaped them.

He pulls away too soon, barely giving her the chance to reciprocate, but the heat in his eyes and his body so close to hers and her own swirling thoughts and rising emotion make her slow to react, her tongue tied into knots.

Until Lance wonders in a low voice that sends a shiver up her spine, “What’re you thinking, Pidge?”

“How fitting it is that our first kiss tasted like peanut butter,” Pidge says, because for some reason that’s the first thing that popped into her head.

Lance’s jaw drops - obviously he wasn’t expecting that - but then he chuckles and asks, “Why?”

“Because I love peanut butter.” She rests her hands on his shoulders and tugs him closer until he stands between her knees within easy kissing distance.

She takes advantage of it immediately.

Pidge kisses Lance in the way she almost convinced herself she never would, hungrily, with her lips parted over his and her fingers gripping his robe. One of his hands cradles the back of her head, and the other sits on her knee, his finger only just brushing against the bare skin of her thigh under her borrowed shorts.

Her heart races as she tears away to gasp for breath before finally telling Lance, “But I love you more than peanut butter.”

“Oh, good!” exclaims Lance with a dazzling smile that she matches. But he clears his throat and flashes her a smirk. “I mean…my work here is done. I was starting to worry I’d have to break you two up.”

Pidge rolls her eyes but wraps her arms around his neck and laughs while he embraces her around the waist. She threads her fingers through his hair and listens to the sound of his steady breathing, shoving away the memory of a time she feared she’d never hear it again.

Lance shifts just enough to rest his forehead against hers. “Is there any way I can convince you to spend the night more often without sabotaging your car?” When Pidge’s eyes widen, he hurriedly adds, “Not that I did this time!”

Pidge giggles and says, “Maybe.”

His lips brush against hers as he murmurs, “Is ‘I love you too’ a good enough reason?”

Pidge’s chest is so warm she wonders how she almost froze in the rain barely an hour ago. She touches Lance’s cheek and says, “Help me replace my car’s battery. Then we’ll talk.”

[agentbarton12]

Old People Teenager Watchers

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4 - part 5 - part 6

~

the advice - 3

Tony trusted Peter.

He doubted he’d say it to his face, but he hoped that Peter knew it anyway. He trusted that, when in a situation, Peter would make the right decision. Okay, more like hoped, but whatever.

The point is, when Peter came to him saying that he was ready to reveal Spider-Man to world, Tony thought he was being a complete idiot.

Why would he want to give up anonymity? What could possibly make him think this would be a good idea? Hormones, was the first answer that came to Tony's mind. Peter wanted to impress someone and he thought the best way to do that would be to reveal his identity. Then Tony got to thinking about all the people Peter could want to impress, but the only one he could think of was MJ (that’s right. She’s MJ now. Take that Steve) and that didn’t make sense — she already knew about his not-so-secret identity. Which meant that there had to be another girl.

Ugh.

Just the thought of Peter liking anyone except Michelle made Tony sick.

He tried very subtly to figure out why Peter wanted to do this (“Why, Peter? This could ruin your life. Don’t go public, Pete. Don’t do it. You’ll give me a heart attack. Ah, there it is. Do your super spider ears hear that? That’s sound of me dying. You really wanna kill me?”), but for some reason, it never worked.

He had been so lost and confused for a full hour, and that was the longest he had gone not understanding something, when MJ sent him a picture.

Emmjaaay

[image attached] chill out, dude. they were gonna figure it out anyway. besides, he feels like its “time” or whatever now

The picture was of Peter in his Spidey suit sitting on a roof without his mask on. It was a grainy picture, but if you knew who Peter was, you would be able to tell it was him. Honestly, of all the reasons to reveal your identity, it’s because someone took a photo of him. Not because it would benefit humanity or some noble thing Steve would talk about, but because of a picture.

Tony was tech genius, for crying out loud! He could make this picture disappear and Peter wouldn’t have to do something rash, like reveal himself.

TonyMan

How do you feel about this?

Emmjaaay

eh, im kinda, dare I say it, proud of him. that hurt so much to type.

TonyMan

Ha. But really, you think he’s ready? This is a big step up.

Emmjaaay

arent you, the same guy who tried offering him a spot on the avengers team when he was what, 12? he turned you down because he didn’t feel ready, now like three years later he does. just sit back and trust he’s making the right decision even if you feel he isnt. its the only reason I have put up with his self-sacrificing tendencies.

TonyMan

Do me a favour and activate the auto-correct on your phone.

TonyMan

Like, seriously. Please.

They held a press conference the next day. No, Tony was not announcing him as an Avenger, just the identity thing, which still wasn’t sitting well with him.

Really, he thought Peter was being irrational, and he even told him as much, which resulted in Peter saying that he wasn’t a kid anymore and was allowed to make his own decisions, no matter how rash Tony thought them to be.

As it turns out, it went pretty well. Peter even had an original speech planned that was so clearly written by MJ, Tony thought it was her up on the podium. He answered questions quickly and curtly, going into detail where necessary, and where not, giving vague answers. He was so clearly taught by Pepper, that Tony thought it was her up on the podium.

The press ate it up and even got Peter to demonstrate some of his powers. Of course, the kid decided that climbing the walls was a good idea and when he saw MJ somewhere at the back, even though she said she didn’t want to go, he lost his grip and fell on his face. MJ laughed the loudest.

So, maybe Tony should’ve trusted Peter’s decision, because it seemed to have worked out okay. The world knew he was Spider-Man, but didn’t know where he lived, which was great for May and his friends. The press knows his school and Tony knows that the first couple of weeks back are going to be hectic.

Tony apologised to Peter for not trusting him and promised to trust him so much, he might as well be his Magic 8 Ball. He explained that he was worried he was doing it because he felt forced, but Peter explained that he has been thinking about it for a while, and that picture just gave him the push he needed to go through with it.

Like Tony expected, Peter was swarmed at school, and as a result, Ned and MJ were too. MJ was undoubtedly the best at handling press, because she was never interesting enough for them to get any information. She hardly spoke when she saw any camera, always burying her face in a book, and making sure Peter and Ned don’t do anything dumb, like exist too much.

All in all, nothing bad had happened since then. Sure, a couple villains tried to use Peter’s open identity as a means to get to him. One guy thought that kidnapping Ned and MJ would be a good idea, but he didn’t count on them practically being the adopted children of the Avengers and was in for a surprise when not one, not two, but all the Avengers showed up to his basement hideout thing.

No one’s tried anything again.

Sadly, like Tony expected, there was — ahem — another girl. Name was Gwen Stacy or something dumb like that. Pepper says the only reason Tony doesn’t like the girl is because he wants Peter to end up with MJ.

And Tony isn’t denying it.

He’s discovered that Gwen and Peter aren’t dating, which means there is still a bit of wingman-ing that can be done. For Peter and MJ. Not Gwen. Gwen could go ahead and be hit by a bus for all Tony cared. In fact, he should make that make that happen…

The only thing that sucked more than Gwen and Peter getting chummy together, was that the only one who was determinedly unbothered by it, was the one it concerned the most.

MJ responded to their relationship (or lack thereof, if Tony had anything to do with it) with a slight furrow in eyebrows and the tilt of her head, as if figuring out if she was okay with this (she wasn’t) or if she had any say in it. But, when she saw Peter’s dumb grin, she gave them the slightest of smiles and told them not to be gross. Sometimes, Tony hated how diplomatic MJ could be.

At the end of the day, Tony had a semblance of hope that they could end up together. This hope dropped marginally when he walked into the kitchen and found MJ's face in his freezer.

“You got any ice cream?”

Tony nearly got a heart attack. “What? — How do you keep getting up here?”

“Like, I know you have ice cream, but you got any good ice cream?” she went on, ignoring his question.

Tony crossed his arms. “I have good ice cream. I don’t know if you noticed, but all that dairy goodness in there is ice cream Ben & Jerry's named after me. Stark's Raving Hazelnuts.”

MJ slowly shut the freezer door. “I just remembered I’m lactose intolerant.”

The billionaire rolled his eyes. “Ha-ha. It’s good, though.”

“I hear it’s chalky.”

“From where?”

“Around.”

When Tony realised that she wasn’t going to elaborate, he changed the subject. “What are you doing here? Thought you and the dudes got together every Wednesday to celebrate the fact Friday’s around the corner?”

MJ shrugged as she continued looking through his fridge and various cupboards. “Yeah, well I guess Idiot Number 1 realised that Peter Parker is just as popular as Spider-Man. He’s gone to a party with Ned.”

“A party? On a Wednesday?”

“Could be. Could be a fundraiser, could be a charity event, could even be a wedding — all I know is that Peter is a very high demand right now.” She had given up one finding anything and stood on one end of the counter and pulled out her phone.

“Why didn’t you join them?”

Another shrug. “I’d like to hang out with my friend when he’s my friend. I understand that in public, he’ll either be Spider-Man or Peter Parker: Teen Avenger — ”

“He’s not an Avenger.”

“ — But, I prefer Peter Parker: Dork Extraordinaire.”

Tony hummed in thought. “Have you told him this?”

“Partly.” She looked up from her phone. “I’m getting ice cream, you want anything?”

“Thought you were lactose intolerant?”

“Fine I’m bad-ice-cream-flavours intolerant,” she deadpanned. “Now, you want anything?”

“Cheeseburger and fries. Coke, too.”

MJ hummed. “Cool. Cash or card?”

“I knew it,” Tony sighed. “Cash.”

MJ visibly deflated. “Dammit. I was hoping to get your pin number.

“Not happening.”

She shrugged and pocketed her phone after she made the order. Tony followed her to couch were they sat staring at a blank T.V. screen. He watched as she pulled her feet underneath her and absentmindedly started tugging on her hair — even though it was in a bun. It seemed to be a habit.

“So,” Tony started, “when are you planning on telling Peter you like him?”

“Don’t know if I want to.” MJ sighed.

Tony was taken aback. Mostly, because he wasn’t expecting her to answer, but also because she wasn’t denying it. When Tony said as much, she rolled her eyes and said, “I know how to acknowledge things, Tony.”

He raised his arms in defense. “Never said you didn’t, just that I’m surprised you did.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not gonna make a difference, is it? He’s fawning over Gwen and vice versa — it’s kinda cute, honestly. Like, I catch him staring at her while she’s studying, or working on an equation and it’s like he’s just in that moment. Like it’s just Gwen working and nothing else.”

“Oh, so it’s exactly how he acts around you?”

Her nose scrunched up as she looked at him. “He does that?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe. There’s a betting pool we have to see who’s gonna break first and ask the other out. I bet one of my suits that it’ll be you, so don’t disappoint me,” he said jokingly, trying to subtlety instill the prospect into her mind. It didn’t work because she just continued to stare at the screen.

FRIDAY then alerted him that their food had arrived, and Tony asked her to have it brought up. He got up from his spot and moved to the elevator to collect their order, when they dinged open and Scott walked out holding the bag of food.

“’Sup, Stark — ooh, is MJ here? Why’s MJ here? It’s Wednesday, right?” Tony held up a hand to silence him and opened his palm.

“Food first, questions later,” he said, motioning with his fingers to indicate that Scott should hand over the bag. Scott ignored him and walked away to sit next to MJ on the couch.

“Hey, Scott,” she greeted, with a two finger salute.

“Hey. Whatchu doin’ here?”

She shrugged before holding her hand out and Scott more than happily handed over her ice cream. He took out Tony's cheeseburger and bit into it. That was when Tony rushed to intervene with his teammates mouth and his food. Scott merely held the food at arms length away from the billionaire and told him to get his own food. Tony huffed in annoyance about how that was his own food. Scott ignored him and proceeded to take a huge gulp of the drink. MJ just watched in amusement, a smirk playing on her lips behind her ice cream spoon. “See, Tones. Why would I want to hang around a bunch of fame-hungry and genetically modified teenagers when I have front seat tickets to the lamest argument ever?” she asked while Tony and Scott where still bickering over the food.

Tony frowned. “Ned’s not fame-hungry or genetically modified.”

She replied shrugging, “Ned’s special.”

“That he is,” Scott agreed. “Where are they, anyway?” he asked referring to Peter and Ned, shoving a handful of fries in his mouth. Tony hit him upside his head so hard, he sputtered out half-chewed potatoes on the couch. He eyed Tony without a single regret. “I hope you know that you’ll have to clean that up. Because we both know who it’s gonna bother more,” he said in a challenging tone.

Tony stared at him defiantly and MJ mentally counted to fifteen before Tony snapped and went to the kitchen for napkins. Scott celebrated childishly when Tony moved to wipe away the food. He did not account for Tony dropping the napkin in his lap with a devilish grin.

“I hate you,” Scott said. He got up and threw it away. When he came back, he found Tony finishing off the burger while slurping down the Coke. He gave Scott a smirk and Scott responded by flipping him off.

“Totally better than some movie premiere,” MJ said grinning.

“Who’s at a movie premiere?” Scott asked sitting back down on the couch.

MJ responded, shrugging, “Peter and Ned. Maybe. I actually don’t remember what event it was.”

Scott hummed, continuing to stuff his face with chips. Tony looked at Scott evilly then grinned and said in a sing-song voice, “MJ misses Peter.” MJ rolled her eyes, while Scott looked like he wanted to smile, but was fighting against it.

“How do you know?” he asked eventually.

“She told me,” Tony answered in the same voice that got him in the head with a cushion. “She also told me that she likes him.

Scott couldn’t help it and smiled the biggest grin he could muster. He practically squealed with delight and clapped his hands excitedly, then suddenly, he stopped. “Wait. How come you told Tony and not me?”

“He asked first.”

“Fair.” After a moment of silence, Scott asked curiously, “When are you gonna tell him?”

“Why does everyone feel like I need to do something?” she mumbled. “And besides, he’s practically almost in love with Gwen, so I’m not going to bother myself.”

Scott sighed. “There is no way he can be ‘practically almost in love’ with anyone when you’re a person that exists. And, trust me, if there is one thing you can do with these things, it’s try. I mean, look at me,” he gestured to himself wildly. “Hope thought I was just an idiot who stole her father’s suit, but now — ” MJ snorted “ — What?” Scott asked frowning.

“Nothing. It’s just funny how you say thought like she used to think that and she doesn’t now.”

Scott scowled while Tony gave her a fist bump. “Anyway, point is: I thought I had literally no chance with her, but turns out she liked me too! Or learned to like me too. Or is learning to like me too...I need to make a call...” Scott stood up slowly and walked out of the room silently.

Tony looked around and breathed out. “Wow, MJ, you made him question his relationship.”

She shrugged. “Oops.”

A beat. “That was good advice though. You should try.”

She didn’t answer. After a moment she said, “Yeah, well maybe Gwen deserves a shot too.”

Sometimes, Tony hated how diplomatic MJ could be.

[goblincas]

Chutes and Creatures: A Four-Story Story

Oh no, it seems that a notorious fugitive is trespassing within Bnanom Brictom Community Center! And during a family-friendly Halloween event, no less. Shameful.

It's Lovell's first day as a center volunteer, but damn it, he's more than prepared to handle this.

(Featuring... loose and very homebrew-y DnD inspiration!)

To: Staff @ Bnanom Brictom Community Center

From: Bnanom Brictom Security and Office of Inner-Community Relations (BBCCSec@brictomservices.com)

Good evening, everyone. I sincerely hope this message reaches you all well, conditions considered. An update: The building-wide lockdown is now in place. Right now, we can use all the help we can get. Feel free to continue mingling with party guests, both to keep up morale (your own and the guests’) and to gather potential scraps of intel or information, if you happen to stumble across it. Now, we’re not necessarily suggesting you all take on the role of amateur vigilante sleuths, but make of this message what you will. ;-)

Feel free to travel between floors as necessary— nonetheless, if you’re able, we suggest limiting or preventing floor-to-floor movement by party guests, whenever possible. In the meantime, we will continue our personal investigation and monitoring of the situation. Thank you again for your continued cooperation.

Expect a staff-exclusive raffle to be arranged, at the Center’s earliest possible convenience.

Happy Halloween,

Bnanom Brictom Security and Office of Inner-Community Relations

I. Rooftop

No doubt, this wasn’t how Lovell had expected his second day of community volunteer work to wrap up. Sure, to be fair, he’d never exactly been on the best of terms with luck— whether that luck belonged to himself, or to the victims of whatever collateral immolation he’d managed to create, that time around. In a way, Lovell supposed his mere presence was a bit of a time-release, possibly airborne poison. What right did he have to act shocked?

None. Absolutely none.

Sliding a finger across the chilled surface of his phone screen, Lovell watched the sky turn red and pulpy, before oozing down into the horizon. And since news had traveled fast among the face- and body-painted attendees, chatter had already grown frenzied, spiking in pitch and fervor. Straight-faced children clung to their parents’ arms. Several guests had since tugged off their wigs and other extraneous bits of costumery, signaling the spiritual end to their booze-free festivities. Lovell tugged at his cape on reflex, but kept it fastened around his neck. The fabric felt thinner than ever, tickling at his calves, before being swept back into the breeze.

“Alright, okay!” one of Lovell’s fellow volunteers hollered, using his cupped hands as an entirely ineffective megaphone. The guy was clearly a human, yet costumed up as an especially malnourished looking drow elf. It’s always what you can’t have, ain’t it?

“Listen. I know this whole situation isn’t what y’all were hoping for, sure, I get that. I really, really do. But y’all gotta stay put. Can’t move around the building until this is all sorted out— faster security can sort their way through the building, the sooner this will all be over. And, hey, how cool would it be if ya can go on to say that you were at the party where a world-infamous, kinda unhinged fugitive was finally taken in? Talk about a story for all your future parties, am I right?”

As the human volunteer babbled away, clearly still processing his own uneasiness, the crowd began to quiet. There was a short beat of silence after the volunteer finished, which hung in the air and soured at an astonishing pace; until, at last, an attendee spoke up.

She was standing, alone, toward the heart of the swarm. Her party store witch’s hat was tipped forward, its brim casting a shadow over her features. “There’s no way we’re safe right now, then. This super isn’t okay. So, you’re just fine with potentially endangering our lives in your whole quest for justice?” the petite half-elf said, speaking evenly, and at an unfittingly polite volume. “I mean, didn’t this guy they’re looking for, like, kill a ton of people or something? What if he’s on this stupid roof with us, right now? C’mon!”

From somewhere over Lovell’s shoulder, he heard a faint whisper of, “Well, we push ‘im right off, then,” followed by a snort and some stilted laughter. Lovell clucked his tongue, but couldn’t quite temper down his own giggle. Nothing wrong with making light of, frankly, a borderline Draconian situation. It was a philosophy he tried to live by, no matter how unsuccessful he often was at doing so.

Another stiff breeze swept through the crowd, and Lovell pulled his cape tighter around his arms.

As Lovell’s co-volunteer lost hold of his barely controlled state of panic, the half-elf began to scan the crowd, which was slinking back into conversation. After spotting Lovell’s mostly-concealed yet fluorescent yellow Bnanom Brictom polo, she huffed and charged toward him, wiry arms folded across her chest. Lovell readied himself by stiffening up and straightening his posture, defaulting to what he fondly deemed his business-friendly mech stance.

She stationed herself barely a foot ahead of Lovell, tilting her chin up to continue holding steady eye-contact. Still, when she spoke, she did a top-tier job of injecting some highly sterilized, artificial calm into her voice. “Please, please tell me you at least have more information for us. I’ll take anything,” the half-elf pleaded, furiously drumming her fingers against her own forearm.

Lovell shrugged, and the half-elf deflated. “Sorry, I only know what was in the email they sent out to us, which… wasn’t much. Look, I get the ethical questions that should definitely have been raised before this plan was made, but there’s not much that I can do for you. This is kinda completely out of my control.”

The half-elf chewed on her bottom lip, before breaking eye-contact to heave a sigh at the ground. “Whatever, fine,” she said, scuffing her boot against the concrete. She turned her gaze back up, squinting at Lovell in what seemed to be an attempted menacing glare. And, surprisingly, it was pretty damn effective. Huh, impressive. “Can I at least ask for a favor, then? At least, if it’s something that’s even in your purview.”

“Sure.” He could certainly use a distraction.

“I want you to find my girlfriend,” the half-elf said, her voice growing louder and more strained. “She’s probably still on the top floor. I was a dumbass and left my phone in the car, so I just need you to make sure she’s okay. And let her know that I’m okay, too. Can you at least do that for me, if I’m legitimately gonna be trapped in this petri dish of strangers having emotional meltdowns? Please?”

Beginning to gleam down at them was the ruddy face of the moon, as it fought its way through the clouds.

Lovell wiped his clammy palms onto his jeans, nodding at the half-elf. “Actually, sure, I think I can do that.”

“Great!” The caricature of a witch was bouncing on her heels. “Alright, so, I need you to look for Bryn. That’s her name. She’s the super tall, unfairly glamorous half-orc chick, and she’s carrying a couple of plastic battle-axes. She hand-painted those herself, y’know. Just tell her that Merrie sent you, and that I’m safe, alright?”

To think, he’d only wanted some mindless volunteer work at the local community center, and now there he was: Lovell Polonian, freelance messenger of love. God knows if he couldn’t stabilize his own damn relationship, then he’d just have to carry the torch for someone else’s.

Lovell flashed a final thumbs up, before heading toward the streamer-draped stairwell.

Meanwhile, his co-volunteer had entered a fugue state, swallowed by the mob.

II. Second floor

Sharply-tinted, orange and yellow string lights were blinking throughout the ballroom, chattering amongst themselves. Not long after reaching the floor, Lovell scrunched his nose; the space smelled like a chemical rosebush, as if a full can of dollar store air freshener had been detonated maybe an hour prior. It kind of burned his nostrils, just a bit.

Alright, maybe more than just “a bit.”

Lovell paused at the base of the stairs. He surveyed the sparsely packed room, where party goers were in a similar state to those on the rooftop. Several scuffed, plastic jack-o’-lanterns lined the walls, perfectly situated to watch the madness unfold.

Certainly not to Lovell’s surprise, Bryn wasn’t especially hard to locate. After all, she was the tallest guest in the room. Her loosely coiled, auburn curls rolled down much of her back, adorned with clovers and softening her otherwise angular features. Bryn’s thick brow was furrowed, while she clutched the pair of battle-axes in her left hand.

Lovell approached the half-orc woman cautiously, not wanting to startle her and end up bonked over the head by some lovingly decorated plastic. Next to a half-orc, he could hardly feel any scrawnier and less capable of immediate self-defense.

“Hey, excuse me, are you Bryn?”

Still, Bryn jolted, knocked out of her thoughts. She stared vacantly at Lovell for a moment, buffering as she rejoined reality. “Um, yeah. That’s me. But who the hell are you?” she asked, narrowing her gaze.

Lovell raised his hands in a placating gesture. “Just an innocent volunteer. Merrie sent me.”

At that, Bryn’s shoulders sagged, as she no longer attempted to mask the heaviness. “Shit, really? Wait, is she alright? Because I swear, if she—”

“She’s alright,” Lovell cut in, before Bryn managed to spiral into an all-out panic. “She was worried, and I needed something to do, so here I am. Just checking in for her.”

Bryn nodded slowly. “Oh, okay. So she’s still up on the roof, then?”

“Yup.”

“Well, guess that’s all I can ask for, at this point,” Bryn said, shaking her head and sighing, her hair cushioning the movement. “That she’s safe. God, this is such an awful situation. Awful. Hey, do you at least have any idea when the hell they’re gonna let us out of the good ol’ danger cage?”

Despite his better judgment, Lovell quirked a grin. “No clue. And your girlfriend had some pretty similar thoughts, by the way. Choice words ‘n’ all. To be perfectly fair, I don’t think anyone’s really on board with all of this.”

Bryn snorted. “Yeah, well, maybe aside from the literal cult recruiter or whatever in our midst. I’m sure that bastard’s getting a real kick out of this mess. Like, do they really think locking down the building is gonna make a difference? The guy uses dark magic, for god’s sake. Warded or not, I kinda doubt he’s gonna be contained within a damn community center. Sheesh,” she muttered, rolling her eyes and frowning.

Lovell’s responding chuckle was weak, but it was certainly there. He hesitated and peered around, giving the room another once-over. Most party goers had broken off into clusters, commiserating amongst their own ecosystems. The lights continued to buzz and flicker, chipping away at the darkness that had spread throughout the room.

Turning back to the half-orc, Lovell smiled. So long as he made the effort to hide his teeth, maybe it could even be read as a semi-comforting gesture. “Think of it like this, then: if that weirdo fuckhead can bust his way out quickly, then the lockdown isn’t gonna last all that long. So, maybe it’s all for the best, y’know?” Lovell shrugged noncommittally.

Again, Bryn narrowed her eyes— but before she slipped in a response, a rough hand clapped down onto Lovell’s bicep. He jumped, before peeking over his shoulder.

“Boy, I’m gonna need your help with somethin’. You’re gonna come with me now, alright?”

Lovell was met with the grizzled scowl of Higgins, archetypical Northern Dwarf and long-time Bnanom Brictom head of security. Lovell’d only had a chance to meet the guy once, during his orientation the week prior.

By the time Lovell thought to turn back to Bryn, the half-orc had already wandered off.

Higgins tightened his grip on Lovell’s arm, bruising the flesh beneath his fingertips. “C’mon, son, you gotta come with me, now.”

III. Ground floor

Higgins’ office was bare-walled and low-lit, with a blackout curtain preemptively drawn. Lovell let the oak door ease shut behind himself, while the Dwarf moved to lean back against his own desk, facing the volunteer.

Lovell shuffled his feet, stabilizing. “So,” he said, holding out the syllable. “Wha’dya need me for?”

“Well, lucky you, I’ve got an emergency chore for ya,” Higgins grumbled. He huffed, hopping up to sit on the edge of the desk.

“And, that is…?”

“Well,” Higgins began, not even attempting to feign any amount of confidence over the situation. Oh, how reassuring. “I’m gonna need ya to get some supplies for me. Can’t waste my own time diggin’ around for it right now, but I sure as hell can waste yours.” Higgins punctuated his request with an amused snort.

Lovell nodded, steadily. “Sure, okay. What do you need me to find, then?”

Higgins sighed. “I won’t sugarcoat it, boy. Weapons. Gotta keep our defenses up, should we need ‘em. And it ain’t as if we’re pullin’ out that stuff often.”

“Oh,” Lovell muttered. He cocked a brow, hands fiddling behind his own back. “And, why are there weapons in a community center, in the first place? I mean, if you don’t mind my asking, I guess.”

“N’aw, it’s a fair enough question.” Higgins batted a stout hand around, dismissive. “Don’t mean I’m gonna answer it for ya, though.”

Lovell couldn’t help but chuckle. Really, he should have seen that response coming.

“Just gotta find the damn basement key for ya, then I’ll send ya on your way. I’ll give ya a map, don’t worry— should show you where everything’s lyin’ around down there. Sound good, hm?”

Flashing his brightest and most saccharine grin, Lovell nodded. “Totally. Sure thing.”

IV. Basement

“Okay, what the absolute fuck were you thinking?”

Batting an especially ambitious spiderweb out of his face, Lovell huffed.

“I know you’re down here, asshole.” He had his hands planted on his hips, glaring into the darkness. “Still don’t know what the hell you’re actually up to right now, though,” Lovell proceeded to grumble, complaining to himself in a moment of intense self-pity.

From behind Lovell, a second voice seemed to flutter around in the air, materializing before it even had a source to anchor itself to. “Really, dear, I just wanted to surprise you at your brand-new job! No need to drag me to couple’s counseling over it. Goodness,” the voice drawled, deepening and growing clearer as it solidified within the space.

Lovell turned on his heels, cape whipping around, before it slowly settled back against his body. “You’re absurd, you know that? And a jackass. Do you, like, get off on fucking with me, or something? Actually, no, please don’t answer that. Lord, please.”

From behind a staggered tower of plastic bins packed with nativity decor, a taller man emerged. He swaggered closer to Lovell, who simply glared in greeting.

“Scarus,” Lovell said, matching the ever-present warlike glint in the other man’s eyes. “You do realize that my whole point in doing this was to relax for once, right? Sure, it’s inevitable at some point that I’m just gonna get tossed through another fucking dimensional portal, but for now, I just wanted to do something… simple. Until my stupid magic short-circuits and fucks me over again, at least.”

At that, Scarus deflated ever-so-slightly, but countered the change in posture with a roll of his eyes. “Okay, but like you said yourself: We both know good and well that you won’t be here for long, and it’s not as if I meant to be noticed. Truly, I didn’t. Really, what kind of military-grade community center has such drastic warding? I promise, I meant to slip in and say hi, and that’s it.” Scarus flicked a strand of blond hair away from his face.

Lovell scrubbed his eyes, the fight already draining from his bones. “Fine, well, whether you meant to cause it or not, there’s a total lockdown of the building. And now everyone’s totally panicking. All they wanted to do was go to a stupid, family-friendly Halloween party, Scarus. A Halloween party.”

Scarus raised his pointer finger maybe just a bit too proudly, smirking. “Ah, well, in my defense: You already know I’m not the biggest fan of Halloween, as it’s commonly celebrated. Really, it’s offensive, more than anything. Maybe I did the right thing by—”

“Don’t,” Lovell supplied. “Just, don’t. Don’t even start. Listen, if you just leave right now, maybe I won’t have to carry several dozen pounds of weapons up a flight of stairs. Okay? And, for god’s sake, don’t you dare tell me that I need the exercise, or something. I will absolutely burn you in your sleep tonight, and I will feel no remorse.” Okay, maybe Lovell would feel a tiny slice of remorse, although he would certainly do the burning, nonetheless. No question. Really, there was nothing quite like some third-degree retaliation during a lovers’ spat.

“Fine. If you’re only going to chastise me, then I have no issue with heading out.” Scarus stepped forward briefly, planting a kiss on Lovell’s cheek. Lovell felt himself warm at the gesture, until, wait, no—

“Scarus… what the hell did you just do to me?”

Scarus shrugged. “Protecting myself,” he replied. “I have no intention of being set on fire tonight. Of course, feel free to use non-draconic flames instead. I’m sure I’ll be perfectly equipped to handle some bodily arson sans childish magic, no issue at all.” He snickered, pulling Lovell into a quick hug. “Alright, my fire-breathing little darling. I’ll just be leaving, then. I’ll have dinner waiting for you, alright?”

“Oh, you better, bastard.”

[imaginethishoe]

 Unfaithful (Part IV)

(Part I) (Part II) (Part III)

(Masterlist)

So this took forever. I kept changing things and rewriting sections. I hope you guys like this one. Next Chapter will hopefully come out quicker than this one did.

Warnings: Language, Character Death :(

"Happy Birthday Danny! Two years old already." John said as he spun my son around in circles, his own children walking in and greeting me before continuing through Polly’s new house that the boys got her.

"I know. And he's already starting trouble." 

"Sounds just like a Shelby boy, yeah?" He rustled his hair before putting him down and letting him go play with the new toy he bought him.

"Everyone's in the parlor if you want to say hello."

"Everyone?" I rolled my eyes at the mere thought of seeing Thomas. It had been a two months since the incident. Im sure Grace was about ready to burst by now.

"He isnt here yet, if that is what youre asking."

"I would be fucking surprised if he even showed his face."

"He'd better. Danny has been looking forward to seeing him for weeks." As if on cue, there was a knock at the door. I gave John a pleading look that I knew he wouldnt be able to resist.

"Fine. Go set up or something. I'll open the door." I smiled and kissed his cheek, reveling in the fact that John had a huge soft spot for me.

I walked into a packed room, Michael and Finn talking about something I had no interest in, Ada trying to get Karl to sit still, Polly smoking and reading todays paper, and Arthur in the corner, throwing danny up in the air over and over again.

"Oi, stop tossing my kid around." A voice echoed behind me. I didnt turn around; i didnt have to. He walked over to where Arthur was holding a giggling Daniel and took him from his arms, hugging him tightly.

"He's a great father, isnt he" I looked to my right and Grace was standing there, hand on her side. Her eyes werent glowing like they usually did, and there were dark circles under them. Despite being pregnant, I could tell that she was losing some weight. Her hair looked like yarn, not its normal silky blonde, and her cheeks were sunken in, arms looked like they could snap under the slightest touch.

"Jesus Christ Grace, you look horrible." She laughed as much as she could.

"Yeah. Its like this baby is draining the life from me." I gently grabbed her arm and led her to a chair and helped her sit.

She may not be my favorite person, but I'm not completely cold hearted.

"Have you gone to a doctor?" I asked putting the back of my hand on her forehead. "You’re burning up for fucks sake!"

"God, you sound just like him. Im fine. I just need to rest."

"This doesnt look like something rest is going to take care of. I think you should go and see someone." She put her hand on top of mine, giving it a soft squeeze.

"Everything is okay. Thank you for worrying." I gave her a small smile before looking back over to where Tommy was, his eyes fixed on his past and present.

Before i could even stand up, he was putting Daniel down and walking out of the room, asking me to follow him.

"What is it you want Thomas?" I questioned once everyone else at the party was out of ear shot.

"I wanted to apologize." I waited for him to continue. "I should have told you Grace was pregnant before we fucked."

"Don't say fucked. It makes it sound like I'm some cheap whore that you left five pounds for after you were done."

"In simple, Im sorry, okay?" I eyed him for a few, not sure about those words leaving his mouth. If Tommy Shelby was apologizing for something, hell must have frozen over.

"It's going to take a lot more than words to fix this shit show Thomas. You've managed to fuck me over twice. I don't think I can handle a third time."

He sighed and nodded his head, showing that he understood how serious I was.

"Tommy! You better get in here!" We both walked back to where the rest of our family was. Everyone had crowded around Grace.

"What's happening?" Tommy asked frantically. I felt a small pang in my chest when I saw him run to her side like she was the only thing of importance to him in the world.

"Her water broke." Polly entered the room with two buckets, one full of towels and the other empty. Ada wasn't far behind, holding a pail of water. "You boys better get out of here. This won't be a pretty one."

The Shelby boys, not including Thomas, filed out. I gave Danny to John and walked over to where the other women were kneeling.

"Pol, do you need me to do anything?" She looked up at me with a confused expression, which settled back into worry.

"Yeah, take this." She handed me the empty bucket and turned to continue what she was doing before.

"Well what am I supposed to do with it?"

"Keep it. You're going to need it." She lifted up Graces dress so she could see what she was working with. There was blood spreading all over Polly's couch. My hand flew to my mouth and I turned around, gripping on to the metal as I vomited my breakfast into the once empty bucket.

I've helped deliver almost one hundred babies, none less bloody than the next. Why am I retching at a time like this?

In seconds Tommy was by my side, his hand gripping my waist. If I thought I would be able to without throwing my insides up, I would have laughed at the situation; Tommy running back and forth between two women, unable to discern which needed more care.

From the looks of it, Grace needed his undivided attention.

"Are you alright?" He questioned, his voice low.

"I'm fine. Go, tend to Grace." He eyed me carefully before turning around and returning to his place beside his wife.

I sat in a chair facing the fire, needing the crackling wood to help rid my body of the chills I had.

Grace let out a blood curdling scream, and suddenly the fire wasn't so warm anymore.

I watched him from across the field. He was just standing there, staring at the grave, watching Scudboat and Curly fill the hole back up.

I tried not to think about how different this should have all turned out, but I couldn't help it. She should be here. She should be the one holding her child.

It had only been a little over a week since Grace died. This was the first time I've seen him since, and still it's only from a far.

I looked to my left as John approached me and stood by my side, staring at his brother just as I was.

"He's going to need help, you know. He won't ever admit it, but he can't stay in that house alone. It'll rip him apart. Just like after the war."

"John." I said barely above a whisper. "I don't think I can."

"I didn't say it had to be you. You have every right to say no. I just thought you'd be open to it because of Danny."

I thought about the possibility of moving back in with Tommy. In the house I swore I would never go back to.

And I realized that I'd never be able to stop thinking about all the times I wished an untimely death on Grace.

"I have to talk to Polly before I make any decisions." I couldn't look at him. I didn't want him to question me about it before I was sure, and he would ask a million questions the moment he saw the look on my face.

He just sighed draped his arm over my shoulders. I leaned into him, appreciating his warmth shielding me from the cool air.

PART 5

If you’ve made it this far, you might as well like. :)

So if anyone would like to be tagged in Unfaithful or anything I post, please message me (Even if you already have), dont comment under any posts because they are super hard to go back and find and I dont want to leave any of you beautiful people out. <3 Thank you for reading. Feel free to leave feedback my loves.

[thethirdwheel404]

Med Rewatch Series (#2)

\haha yeah I was totally planning on sleeping but I literally cannot think about anything else other than getting this idea out of my brain. so, we will try to get through the finale of s2: Love Hurts. please enjoy.

-okay so right off the bat before even starting the episode, i noted a few things. the episode description is “Robin experiences complications and a new face arrives at the hospital.” How fucking annoying that it’s the season finale and the entire episode is centered around connor? of course, at this point we don’t know that the ‘new face’ is his future love interest.

-also!!! the fact that ava is mentioned in the episode description of the season finale? That’s huge!

-the episode description makes it sound like nothing fucking happens in this episode.

-also i am extremely scared to start the ep bc i feel like it is going to through me straight back into the deep end and put me in a state of emotional shock.

-i will try to take very deep breaths before the episode starts. okay. here we go.

-does this episode open with robin being carted in on the ambo bc if this is the ep im thinking about, i remember appreciating how angsty this scene was

-i still remember charles yelling ‘2 of adavan!’

-okay hi sarah i really was not expecting to see you this soon

-oh wow. just. sarah calling shots in the ed. in control. you love to see it. also. im just now remembering how early in the ep we get to meet ava. i always remembered it as being at the very end but. i remember connor being distraught with his messy hair.

-also i’m highkey loving how out-of-control connor is rn

-reese. god i missed you so much.

-they counted again. love that.

-okay but like i have no analysis just every time sarah’s onscreen i just want to say ‘i love you’

- i have not heard sarah speak in a HOT SEC and god i forgot how deep her voice was and it is sending me (its not even that deep i just like, forgot.) It has been years and I honestly think i have forgotten who sarah really was. sad.

-like i don’t remember the last time i could describe her as in control but right now treating robin she’s calm (honestly bc she’s the only other shrink on the show, but HOLD ON WAIT DOESNT CHARLES GET SHOT AT THE END OF THIS EPISODE WHAT THE FUCK. reese has one moment. and then her and charles start bickering. i remember why i was so mad)

-i’m in love with her.

-i really have to sit through the next 40 mins of this and just everytime i see sarah going ‘i love her,’ and now you do too.

-oh my god CHARLES SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU CANNOT BLAME CONNOR FOR THIS

-also the reason i became disillusioned: dr charles just started being suuuuuper sus.

-i do love sarah. and honestly, connor, not my favorite, but this storyline really made me empathize with him. his girlfriend is having a psychotic break and people keep shitting on him. (maybe the reason i didn’t like ava at first. really kicked him while he was down)

-I... haha. sarah. hnghhh. you can guess the rest.

-if you were in this situation, with robin, would you be thinking like connor or would you be thinking like charles? personally- connor. Robin was fine. maybe a little impulsive to take her home, but charles was being suuuper overprotective (from what I remember).

-Charles: “This is on you. You did this.” I remember that line hitting really hard when I watched it the first time lmao damn.

-SARAH. HER EYES ARE RED. SHE’S SAD. SHE’S CRYING! COME ONNNN MEDDD YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME!!! (and I swallowed my water the wrong way which somehow triggered my gag reflex so now im crying too please god stop Im sorry what did I do)

-yay sarah. hey guys look at that. sarah gets to, like, do her job.

-ALSO I JUST REALIZED THAT S3 STILL SUCKS FOR SARAH BC OF HER INTENSE INTENSE PTSD??? LIKE SHE WHOLE ASS PEPPERSPRAYS HER PATIENT???

-also these are the clothes charles got shot in and honestly i’m not even mad. I’m mad that him getting shot put sarah through so much pain (i talked a lot about ava but y’all are really gonna see just how protective i am of sarah. like god even I forgot.)

-you can see how much sarah cares about connor. which is like, fantastically crazy. (it fuels the rheese shippers which is why i tend to be against it) but just like, that’s just how sarah is. she cares so much. she’s not even close to connor, but you can see how much she cares. this is why its so unfair for sarah to work in psych. like, she’s way too soft for that come on man. (y’all remember the huge car crash episode and at the end she tells ethan that it was nice to be back in the ed bc you can fix people’s bodies but not their minds? 1) she was adorable in that. 2) i am so scared for her. she just cares too much)

-okay but the above bullet is probably the exact reason why people ended up shipping ava and sarah. they both are characters who care way more than they let on. sarah is the only one in the hospital who would probably give ava a second chance after an icy first encounter. That being said, being realistic? ava is probably the only one who would she the bullshit that sarah has to go through everyday, so she would never have the icy first encounter. which in turn sets sarah’s empathy bells off or whatever.

-honestly? ava is a mean to people because she thinks they deserve it. that’s it. she’s not a bitch or anything like that (and yeah, ava stans do a little bit of overlooking her behavior bc hey if a careless med student bumps into her while passing by, thats on them). (and of course, in this world and in reesker minds, sarah has never done anything wrong, ever.)

-look guys, i did it. i boiled reesker down to its bare essentials! (lmao tho literally walking through it again from almost a totally fresh perspective, it is still so easy to see how they would have been great together.)

-also. uh. not to pile on the reesker but. ----- connor just got paged by latham. is-is it happening?

-refusing to go home and sleep because the person you care most about is lying in a hospital bed is such classic angst oh my god

-wtf? charles has meds i completely forgot? for his heart? when is he gonna get shot the suspense is killing me.

-ALSO. YOU ARE TELLING ME. THAT S3 SARAH HAD TO DEAL WITH PTSD AND A POSSIBLE PATIENT LAWSUIT. AT THE SAME TIME HER FATHER WAS BEING SUSPECTED OF MURDER, AT THE SAME TIME HE TRIED TO RECONNECT. it is a fucking crime that that is the season we have to rewatch. its a crime they abused her so much.

-waiting for charles to keel over and die like

-the worst thing is that like, he actually cares. he actually truly cares about sarah, he just did a lot of bad things. so sarah has to justify them all! and sarah had no idea how to feel because now she’s disillusioned again. please chill

-lmao stoll wow 

-oh. soft sweet boy noah. he really doesn’t know better, and that’s almost the worst thing.

-also. dr. shore. that’s really all i have to say about that.

-ohhhhh my god nat fucking chill

-what is it with couples on mad and not being allowed to be happy. (this could be about reesker if you, like, reallyyyy squint)

-aw! hey, look! it’s jay! he’s nice to look at too. ooh i also forgot how deep his voice was lol

-counting

- i honestly forgot what a good source of angst this show was. this guys parents are flying in from germany to go to his graduation and then he got hit by a car??? damn

- i still forget how much i like the cop/doctor brother duo. I love it.

-GUYSSS

-GUYSSS ITS HAPPENING

-the air literally left my lungs I am not ready.

-ITS FUCKING

-oh my god

-it is 3 am and I just screamed out loud holy shit

-I FORGOT I FUCKING FORGOT. IT DOESNT HAPPEN WITH HER IN CASUAL CLOTHES. THAT IS AT THE END. I FORGOT THEY INTERACT WITH HER IN SCRUBS

- I FORGOT I FUCKING FORGOT

--holy shit she is fucking stunning. she was just allowed to be like that? in her first introduction? while connor looks like complete shit? IMAGINE THE POWER SHE HAS HOLY SHIT. THIS IS THE GREATEST POWER MOVE IVE EVER SEEN.

-uh for those of you who are confused, ava bekker has entered the scene and holy. shit. is she fucking amazing. and she hasn’t even said a word yet. all she did was turn

-H E R P O W E R

-uhhuufhuahdoas back to the analysis - latham reiterated all of the points we just discussed in the premiere, only goes to show how this was planned, from the start.

- t h e p o w e r ava has to step on the scene and instantly fuck things up. I ASPIRE

-okay let me try again to move forward. (nope. i tried to go back to the tab and just. the expression on her face. guys. i cannot express the emotions. we will press on)

-deep breaths

-she’s so pretty oh my god

-I-uh- okay listen. it is really, really, really hard to analyze this because i have not watched an actual scene or actually heard her talk in her very very pretty accent in two years. I, uh, i need a minute.

-i honestly cannot recall a thing she just said. (i am literally in fucking love) (i’m gonna go back and rewatch the scene and see what I pick up)

-THE----the fucking way she puts her hand back in her pocket

-GOD IM FUCKING GAY

-as for analysis - god that cheeky little smile.

-she’s blunt. is what took me about 75 words to say. this is gonna be a nightmare. (if i torture myself and make myself watch s4 and s5 then I’ll be really sad) (at this point can you imagine what would’ve happened if i had watched her death? I’m remembering exactly how crushed I was)

-OH. YEAH. IN CASE YOU FORGOT? THAT GIRL? THE SNARKY ONE? ON SCREEN RIGHT NOW? SHE’S. FUCKING. DEAD. CANONICALLY SHES DEAD. HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

-like just that fact is sending me so hard. i am already so sad. I had like thirty seconds of elation. it’s not FUCKING FAIR

- i need another minute. AND SHE STILL HAS ANOTHER LINE.

-this doesn’t really pertain to the theory but the “loyal, that’s sweet” line has got to mean something. Like something to be said about how connor couldn’t commit to her in s4. (its just so fucking unfair that she’s dead but we really need to move on)

-this also means that ava isn’t entirely loyal? bc she’s looking down on connor for being loyal? I um really don’t have all the info to unpack All of that, but it should be noted.

-DID YOU CONNOR? DID YOU ENJOY WORKING TOGETHER???

-from ava stan perspective: @ connor you like made her life hell, which wasn’t your fault but still. uhh she’s the one that’s dead, you’re not, so obviously one of you enjoyed it a little more. let’s move on.

-i love her.

-haha oh man jack kelloggs back. FUCKING MERC HIS ASS (i don’t hate charles that much and this storyline gave me so much fucking anxiety throughout the ep)

-god jack kelloggs such an asshole

-OKAY BRUH ETHAN AND APRIL HAVE A THING THIS SEASON? jesus this show really moves

-there are a lot of things I could complain about.

-will: “Why’d she do that? Cut her hair. A woman makes a change like that, it’s a big deal.” S4 AVA WHAT DOES IT MEAN

-i can’t believe its the season finale and they have enough time for will to ask maggie why nat cut her hair. this show is the reason I have anxiety. charles is about to get shot and what are you doing

-oh. oh wow. noah and sarah bickering/noah flirting. it’s like, adorable. which i don’t think is really fair. just, sarah’s the best

-I- uh- can’t believe that was the first time I watched an ava scene in years? that was a really big step for me?? god wow.

-god remember how sarah just like, saved robin? yall remember that? REMEMBER WHEN SARAH COULD DO THINGS? there’s a reason i hated this show.

-okay but just like the fact that charles was - content with letting his daughter be holed up in a room for the foreseeable future? when sarah had a perfectly logical answer? who is he trying to undermine here? (and that is why i hate charles)

-sharon: “where’s the daniel who doesn’t give up? doesn’t your own daughter deserve that much?” kind of a reach but if charles really cares about sarah as much as he does, and sharon knows this, the double meaning here is almost impeccable.

-oh hey guys! ava’s back!

-okay this is like super nitpicky but at this point it feels like norma didn’t have the accent down packed and its a little exaggerated and awkward at times but, come on, still love her.

-Ava: “excuse me, you’re an emergency medicine resident, why are we even talking” AVA BEKKER REALLY TAKES NO SURVIVORS (the writers just really weren’t banking on the fans being that attracted to ava) (like i forgot how blunt she was and holy shit. wow. i kinda see where the haters were coming from. its amazing to see how we clawed her back tho [by we i mean the lesbians])

-analytical. That’s what ava is. It’s almost like that thing where people purposefully say something outlandish just to gauge people’s reaction. she doesn’t argue with connor, at least not now. she just looks between him and ethan, sees she’s outnumbered, and walks off. She doesn’t know how the place works yet. she’s testing the waters. - this could be why she slowly gets more and more confrontational as the series progresses. she sees that no matter what, everyone will be on connor’s side. she doesn’t fight a losing battle. but when you’re constantly losing, its frustration. (reminder, these things only hold true in s3. s4 doesn’t exist)

-I’m fucking?? where the hell did jeff go?

-also, oh, this is maggie’s storyline. the guy dies right but he wanted to propose to the girl? wait no that doesn’t seem right...

-yooo its the girl in the gorilla costume. certified iconic. also how the hell did they have enough time for all this crap in the finale. this show fucking moves.

-for like a split second i forgot that noah and april were siblings

-noah’s a sweetie

-oh hey look it’s ava

-knock knock. who’s there? oh boy, point one for ava stans, she’s right about the surgery (potential evidence showing how this is the first scene of connor not being shit/actually being out or equally matched)

-OKAY WOW SARAH GO OFF (she’’s just fantastic i mean look at her. she’s adorable)

-ava: “Why do all the residents in this hospital think they can offer their opinions?” DR BEKKER PLEASE (okay but like i said last ep i had the exact same question. go off ava)

-connor just took control of the case (first instance of ava outright saying ‘i disagree’) (and let me guess, he’s gonna be right in the end because he literally fucking always is)

-if you look at it from a different perspective, ava was necessary. they needed someone to put connor in his place. at least, she tried. (very disappointing that she also had to sleep with him but that’s not the current point) if they wanted to fix his problem of coming off as spoiled, ava gave him a force to fight against, to earn his stars. they could’ve done it better, and actually had him lose a few times. because what does constantly letting connor win do? it undermines ava, it also undermines his attending. his attending who he is constantly having to stick up for. dude. hero complex chill. ava never had a hero complex. which cannot be said for a lot of the people on the show (IF YOU EVEN TRY TO ARGUE THIS POINT IS WRONG I POINT YOU TO THE EPISODE WHERE AVA PUSHED THE CREDIT FOR THE SURGERY ONTO CONNOR WHEN A FAMILY MEMBER WAS HUGGING HER) they did it wrong. they tried to, idk, fix connor by giving him humility, but they kind of completely forgot the humility part. and the part where he learns things. HE EVEN HAS TO STAND UP FOR AVA TO HER OWN MENTOR. LITERALLY? DUDE? FUCKING. CHILL.

-okay but that’s what it is though. ava was always meant to be the villain. because she was always a counter for connor. and connor is the hero. (you may be thinking this goes against my theory because I’m fighting for ava rights, but my actual theory is that ava was never supposed to stay past s3. the only reason she stayed was because she became a fan favorite. she was supposed to take connor’s mayo clinic offer. and you know how it probably would have happened? Connor probably would have gave her the offer. letting him be the hero one last time. [of course, this isn’t what happened. we all know.])

-OKAY FUCK THIS RESIDENT? “good call, Dr. Rhodes” SHUT THE FUCK UP??? (resident speaking rights revoked)

-I have nothing for this but just want to point out how she looks around and says “yes” all contemplative. god if i could just think about what she was thinking

-jack bro stop

-okay. was there ever an active shooter in the hospital when ava was around. bc if there was. i legally need to know

-lmao stoll

-sarah... makes me smile.

-fun fact: we are at about the half way mark. I am so sorry.

-no no no nono. so, robin just got diagnosed and is getting prepped for surgery. Sarah. don’t give charles credit for solving it. stop.

-Hey! yall remember how the best characters on the show only got thirty seconds of onscreen time together? yeah! I’m still mad about it too!

-aww connor being worried. (i think im fine with connor as long as like, ava is no where near. this scene is just very pure)

-when is this guy gonna get shot already

-aww he loves her. i want to kill him. (why? playboy. gets feelings way too quick. stop him. keep him away from ava)

-HAHAHAH okay. robin just got put into surgery and latham and ava are performing it (is it a brain surgery? yes. are they ct surgeons? yes. don’t ask questions) BUT you can see this emotion on ava’s face. she feels sorry for him. it’s up for us to decide if its condescending or she just feels bad for or bc she is on a surgery he wanted, but for the sake of opinion, i’m inclined to say she just felt bad for him (cough empathy cough)

-literally everytime charles is on screen im like when is he gonna get shot

-this scene where both connor and charles admit they were wrong is very nice (hey actually look, connor does have humility! not in front of ava tho so hmm) (sexual tens- literally no, shut the fuck up)

-HAHA HOLY SHIT I FORGOT CONNORS MOM KILLED HERSELF?? HOLY SHIT? THIS FUCKING GUY LITERALLY CANT CATCH A BREAK (maybe take a hint bro? and go far far away? well he did. too little too late ig)

-connor: “i obviously couldn’t save my mom, but I sure as hell didn’t try to save robin” *through cupped hands* HEY! HEY CONNOR! D-DID YOU TRY? WITH AVA? DID YOU TRY? okay literally what is it with this guy and people dying. for such a good surgeon... oh yeah, irony.

-hi sarah! how nice of you to check in with connor and charles about robin!

-sarah: *looks between charles and connor, who have probably agreed on something for the first time since connor got with robin* “everything okay?” literally she’s so sweet my heart.

- sarah: *laughs in disbelief* SARAH STOP MY HEART IS ALREADY FULL

-this man needs to button the top button of his shirt, i do not like that i can see it

-I------ HOLY SHIT?

-WHY DID NO ONE FUCKING WARN ME THAT JOEY WAS STILL ON THE SHOW???

-FUCKING EXCUSE ME???

- the air left lungs on that one again, i was Not expecting that.

-HOLD THE FUCK ON. I JUST WENT OF HIS WIKI AND HE APPEARS IN S4??? FUCKING WHAT??? SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT HE FUCKING DID AND IF IT WAS IMPORTANT

-sarah reese is such a fucking dork she got her boyfriend a rubik’s cube as a gift?? a guy who is so nerdy that he definetly already has like five of them. hmm. things don’t add up. also he’s nerdy enough to give back a gift at the breakup. dude seriously. get some social cues. in like the bargin bin at goodwill. please.

-IF SARAH FUCKING CRIES I SWEAR TO GOD

-oh yeah she’s pregnant. that’s how the story ends.

-okay. natalie comes off as empathetic but like, in the most condescending way.

-like its fucking obvious she’s only ever caring about herself (ava bekker would never. sarah reese would never. get your head out of your ass) (ok wow that aggression came from nowhere lmao)

- i really wanna say something about - Connor: “We all know that love can hurt, but loneliness? that’ll kill you.” have fun with that fic writers. (insert obvious connection to loneliness killing ava? have we had enough? this doesn’t pertain to the theory)

-jesus will at this point stop hesitating at the ‘if we’re wrong, it could kill him’ stage. we all know you don’t care

-how funny would it be if the family just like, disowned that girl

-this will nat and co. love triangle is already so fucking exhausting

-JAY REALLY SAID WILL I AM TAKING NONE OF YOUR BS

-is he really about to break up with her. right now. i swear to fucking god

-this is so fucking stupid (what i would pay for ava to hand him his ass right here right now) (that’s a hc idea right there)

-FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY WILLIAM

-sarah and noah stay adorable

-aww stolllll, my heart

-lmao i forgot the girl who played robin was on once upon a time and i was like ‘ive seen her recently what was it’

-FINALLY HES GONNA FUCKING GET SHOT! HELL YES!

-charles looks high as balls

-the queen returns. she’s back

-IM GONNA FUCKING JUMP OFF A CLIFF

-okay. from the previous ep i mentioned ava’s line being something like ‘you’re quite the gossip magnet, your mother commited suicide, drove your girlfriend crazy, and you murdered your attending.” right?  we all remember that?

-well lads, do we remember connor’s response?

-connor: “...Well you’d better watch yourself, hadn’t you?”

-...

- I-

-hahahah this is not okay.

-AND GOD. JUST THE WAY AVA TAKES IT AND JUST SMILES, ACCEPTING THE CHALLENGE. holy shit. this fucking breaks my heart.

-i like almost can’t even appreciate the easy ending of noah’s grad party.

-oh yeah charles still hasn’t gotten shot.

-god sarah is still adorable. the way she finally relaxes FOR ONCE and lets herself have fun. fun fact: this may be the last time we see sarah just easily enjoying herself. also maybe the first.

- i am officially starting the save ava campaign, anyone who wants to join can. the goal is pretty simple. save ava. save our hearts.

-oh my god is he finally going to get shot?? like what dude come on

Okay. another episode down, the first full one, and what have we learned?

Well, this was Ava’s first episode and we learned how it seems she was doomed from the start. It makes no sense, even just her writing is disconnected from s2 to s3, like how do they do that? This ava lines up so well with s4 ava it’s almost uncanny. if you completely cut out s3 her character arc would make complete sense, in a frighteningly tidy way.

Like I said at the top, the fact that Ava was referenced in the episode description of the season finale is huge. It means she is a big character, ground shaking, almost. I really don’t know why they had to make this introduction at the end of s2 and not the beginning of s3, other than making it fit with the three month time jump that i’m pretty sure starts the season.

The way I see it, Ava had 4 main interactions/points. 1) She called connor loyal (and was blunt about Latham) 2) She remarks that residents shouldn’t have speaking rights (that one’s just funny) and disagrees with connor on the surgery, which they go with connor’s decision because of course they do. granted they switch to her plan midway through) 3) connor takes over her surgery after they disagree on whether or not the patient can be saved. Connor is right. and 4) we have the final ‘I like dangerous men’ interaction.

Let’s focus on the train of Ava vs. Connor disagreements. If we go by my previous statement which was Ava was designed as the villain to Connor’s hero, so the hero could win the favor of the public by defeating the villain, the trajectory of their interactions is not surprising in the slightest.

First, Connor wins the first point bc they initial go with his plan. Then, mid surgery, they have to switch to Ava’s plan, because she was right. This obviously pisses him off, that he was wrong and she was right.  His crown had been knocked askew. But then, he wrestles it back. They disagree on whether or not the patient can be saved, connor takes complete control, and he actually ends up saving him.

It’s interesting that the final disagreement came at the sake of a patient’s life. Ava was quick to dismiss the heart as gone, but Connor fought for it, being the hero. It’s easy to shut Ava down right then and there, call her heartless and call it a day.

if s4 had come immedietely (i have no clue how to spell that) after, it would be completely in character for ava to be a psychopath from what little we’ve seen. And honestly, no one would care. The villain would get her due justice.

Let’s switch gears to the conspiracy theory, or the redemption arc. whichever sounds cooler.

A hero is only as good as their villain. That’s really my argument. At this point, yeah, s4 seems like it was planned, just based on s2.

Okay, so, what? Is that another layer of the theory that I’m adding? that the connor/ava plot of s4 was ACTUALLY supposed to be in s3? I... no. we’ve established that is is very rare for the med writers to plan storylines that far ahead. so what am I saying?

I think that the s4 plot was actually a scrapped plot potentially to be used in s3. and when they were left floundering at the end of s3 for an answer? they retreated. sacrificing character development in the process.

So what the hell happened in s3? A horrible fluke? why was it so different?

in s3 ava became more of a rival and less of a villain. while those words can have very similar meanings, the bulk of it is that neither of them really wanted to be that mean each other, they never went out of their way to stomp on the other (at least that I’m aware of). they just were always forced to work together, naturally leading to friction.

This shift meant all the difference. Connor no longer had to beat Ava. it wasn’t required. as a result, ava was very very slowly allowed to interact with people other than connor. she was allowed to slightly develop.

Why the shift? well, the conspiracy theory suggests it’s because they wanted someone who could follow up connor if he left at the end. IF they were true rivals, each of them should be able to hold their own without each other.

okay yeah, i managed to get like 4k words out of like 5 minutes a screen time and 8 lines. jesus christ.still didnt do my hw tho

next we watch the premiere of s3 and see what happens. thanks for reading

-

read the next parts:

Part 1 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Extra

[survivesalem]

Episode 7 - “OKAY I THINK NOT.” -Jessie

After the Lukas vote I don’t wanna say I’m confident but I feel good in my spot in the game. I am not ignorant enough to believe I’m in all the alliance’s chats in this game however I’m in a good amount of them and that means people wanna fill me in on the plan and what they wanna do. I also have a good working 1 on 1 relationships with most people in the game with the exception being Zach and Dylan but the good news for me is that the majority of people seem like they are game to take them one of them next. But then we have mac also rubbing people the wrong way and he could find his name come up at this next vote if he doesn’t win immunity He knows now that people are after him and only raffy gizmo and Cameron know I voted him however I think mac trusts me enough that if one of them tells him I voted him he will ask me and I’ll deny it and make my next move accordingly. I think jay and Jessie are 2 silent but deadly players in the game rn and are poised to make a deep run. Cameron and gizmo are also a duo and so is Liam and Mac but Liam and mac are downplaying it as they should but I’m aware of them and need to keep them in the back of mind and try to split them up at the right time which may be final 9 or 8 I’m not sure yet. Ideally for me Dylan or Zach goes next and then the other follows and then I get Mac or Liam. Deciding which one is a real Sophie’s choice bc it’s the enemy I know vs the enemy I don’t know which is Liam. But at this moment mac is a shield and at any point can be an easy vote but I’m starting to think is he the perfect person to go to the end with bc he has rubbed people the wrong way and if I can present a better case then him at FTC it might be the difference in why I can win vs him.

Lukas got voted out which means the Raffy agenda is in full effect. I am planning on throwing this challenge and possibly the next one to make it seem like I'm not as big as a challenge threat. I received an advantage from the idol hunt finally. I completed the "Hex" which allows me to force someone to sit out from a challenge. This could be really good in high stake situations where I need someone gone. Dylan has told me that they want to be voted out which means this might be a safe, straightforward vote which works for me. Gizmo really wants Mac gone, but I need him here a little longer to continue being my shield. However, if Gizmo takes charge of the vote, it will be his head on the line, not mine. I figure that Gizmo needs to go between F7 and F5 because letting him go far in this game is dangerous. He has a great social game which I think will win against me in any scenario.

Me, Liam, Brien have a trio alliance. An alliance I wanna follow. Gizmo told me that Zach and Dylan are after me. Then said “It would be better if you joined them” like wtf does that mean? Follow that power duo like a sheep? No. I’m not going to do that. What I’m going to do, is knock both of them gone. Oops. If Zach or Dylan are this next vote then you know I’m playing a decent to good game.

OKAY, so here’s my thought process going into our second merged vote. I’ve got people in three categories in order from closest to farthest: Green (Liam, Gizmo, Brien, Raffy); Yellow (Mac; Dylan; Zach); Red (Cameron; Jay; Jessie). GREEN: Liam has been my post swap savior in the Austin vote. Gizmo and I have had a lot of comfortable game talk. Brien (the current immunity holder) and I have connected really well. Raffy is just Raffy (he doesn’t seem like he’ll turn on me unless I give him a reason to). YELLOW: Mac, right now, is a goat carry (received two votes already for no apparent reason). Dylan is too chill for my liking, their knowledge of the game is a threat. Zach is more chill than Dylan. Although they voted to keep me, we just haven’t connected enough. RED: Cameron was active with me when they got back from exile, but it’s been quiet at merge. Jay is there, maybe my fault that I haven’t spoken up. Jessie was Austin’s ally, and an anomaly to my gameplan. I hear that people are talking up Dylan and Zach as being a pair that needs to be separated, which buys me time. I don’t think I have enough an influence to sway votes right now, so I’ll be UTR until I’m backed into a corner. I’ve made this clear to some folks in the beginning, but I WANT A NEWBIE FINAL THREE CAST. Therefore, I will try my hardest to see Liam, Gizmo, and Brien to the end.

So I wake up and the first thing I see in my pms is “we have to talk about the vote .” ANXIETY BECAUSE YIKES . I don’t wanna be the vote . They also aren’t answering there pms so I’m like oh boy

Quick confessional I won immunity GO ME!!! I’m just flying by rn and that’s okay I’m waiting for my time to strike and I’m fine with Zach going tn Ohh gizmo is a great player but if people don’t see it before it’s too late im gonna have to make them see it bc I don’t wanna sit next to him at the end.

I *think* it’s a 5-4-2 split with me getting two votes. I doubt Dylan and Zach will allow them to be the minority and they’ll try pull something. If I go home with an idol I’ll be pressed. Tbh at this point, in my opinion, the biggest players in this game are Brien, Gizmo, Myself, Raffy, Liam. Maybe Zach/Dylan if they both survive and I go home. If this is my time then I’ll most likely vote one of those 5 to win. *crosses fingers*

So. Dylan says they want to whit the game and they want the votes on them. However, Brien, Cam, and I all think its BS. So, Brien and I orginally wanted to split the vote but now we see this as our chance to blindside Zach. Now we are trying to secure majority. Either way I'm fine either who goes home.

No one ever talks and it is increasingly frustrating. Dylan is basically saying to vote them out, and it seems that is what is going to happen. However, I had to hear from Liam that some people wanted to split between Dylan and Zach? Why do people not want to talk to me about these things? I feel very left out of everything that is happening on the tribe. No one ever socializes. No one ever wants to talk to me. I feel like I am in the void. People need to really get a grip because their social game is not winning them any favors. Why can't this cast just talk?? Fucking men.

OKAY I THINK NOT. Oak tree man has told me he believes he’s the vote . I don’t like this . I don’t support this move . He and Brien are my two most trusted allies . Along with Liam (precious fellow book geek good vibes .) anyways a few people think Dylan is faking wanting to be voted out and has some fancy scheme . Like an idol or whatever . I don’t want that to be the case . Anyways Brien is safe because immunity and honestly the people who trust me say they haven’t heard my name . But I worry for the oak tree man. I worry about . These people are unpredictable and it means that we never know what is going to happen.

[bigbrothernetflix-st]

EPISODE THREE

“this was literally one of the worst decisions i've ever had to make so now i'm just kinda pissed off!” - nash

HOH: Nash UPSIDE DOWN: Joey & Saira NOMINEES: Brianna & Gina POV: Jacob FINAL NOMINEES: Emma & Gina EVICTED: Gina (11-1), Jake (WALK)

ARIA

https://youtu.be/SyHPQkbxxw8

JOEY

WATCH THIS AGE LIKE MILK:

I feel great!!!!! Nash winning means my ass aint going up, I gave her 2 tokens, and she gave me 1, and I feel fantastic heading into this week

SAIRA

i feel okay about nash being hoh, she wasn't my first choice but i don't think im in any danger of being nominated (hopefully haha) im not sure who i WOULD want to be nominated, i just know who i wouldn't want, so as long as they're okay i'm good!

JEV

I'm once again feeling pretty good this week. I've grown pretty close to Nash since nominating her in week 1 and she told me and Nathan we aren't going up so, there's that! She's told me Gina is going up and will be her target which I'm not thrilled about but hopefully Gina can pull some miracle and win POV. I'm a little worried about Emma and Jake too, as they've both said they haven't spoken to her much which is dumb, bc like hello??? its week 3, i feel esp with Jake, I can understand Emma bc Nash keeps leaving her on read but I don't think Jake has even tried much (crying emoji) So hopefully they can ALSO pull something out

JAKE

FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate everyone in this game t b h. why can't people just follow with a plan and go through with it like it aint that hard to put your chips on one person from your alliance so youre all safe like........ i dont think these ppl understand strategy and it's TIRING. i frankly am over people relying on their friendships to get themselves through another week bc fucking nash won an alliance-based hoh comp. now we have to deal w this fucking friend group running the house another week. i don't know if i'm safe i'm honestly probably going to be put up??? even tho nash is the one that CONSTANTLY ignores my PMs even tho ive given her paragraphs to respond to... she's gonna do whatever her little friends want her to do. i mean that's what she literally said to me. i was like pls don't nom me <3 and she was like "im not making any promises im just doing whatever the house wants me to do" like girl............ lkjghklsdfjhg what kind of dumbass bullshit response was that. just tell me you're putting me up or you're not. youre a big girl you can make your own fucking decisions.

i give nash what i would give any hoh if they won and that is "i'd never ever nominate you it's never even crossed my mind" and hoping that's enough to make her wanna keep me. she might think im not going after her but, if she's smart, she'll send me out the door this week before i can retaliate. 

im super super worried that jacob will be like oh jev n jake aligned in BBHOS9 u should put them up together since jev nominated you week 1. like i feel like she'd do ANYTHING jacob tells her at this point cuz shes just another one of his sheep so like hoping im good w jacob but he's such a wildcard idfk

at this point im just hoping me or emma don't get put up and if we do there will be a veto to be won and a nash/jacob to come after next so...... period

ARIA

yall i feel so fucking cracked and tired of everything but itS FINE!!! I got this easy peasy!! Im not going to always feel motivated but im doing my best and thats valid baby!!! So lets jump in, first off lets start with a random information dump of things i've collected

-jacob has talked about me w/ nicholas during pasio

-monty and jacob have a connection ( i dont even remember how)

-nathan nash (maybe jacob) obviously tight lmao

-joey monty close

-Jake made a counter alliance to Jacob's (actually joshes) alliance made of me gina saira emma and josh

-josh emma me alliance

-JOEY RECORDS CALLS

-Jake is wary of nathan (but also thinks hes cute ugh)

-told jake im wary of pasio peeps so he might nom them

-Jacob alliance STILL isnt created

-called with josh and told him that jacob is wary that the alliance isnt made yet

-jacob josh have a pregame

-told josh, saira and nick have a pregame

-josh kiki close

-josh thinks saira is a social threat 

-josh prefers jev over nathan

-told monty to talk to jake more

-told joshua jacob is the most connected person

-got back to nash gina doesnt like her

-jacob kiki nash confirmed trio alliance

-nash told jev gina is the target (jev then told jake)

-josh thought jacob was the original maker of the alliance

-jake thinks jacob/josh are snakes

-jake also thinks jacob-josh-nash-kiki-bri-nick-nathan are an alliance

-josh wants to play the middle w/ me :uwu:

 So from here I want to get into how my ideal week will go and how it will realistically go. IDEALLY Nash noms jev and josh with them not winning veto and the house gets rid of a utr social threat but realistically its gonne be gina and jake with gina going bc she doesnt talk to anyone of have any motivation for this game (I LITERALLY WROTE HER A PARAGRAPH TO SEND TO NASH TO NOT BE NOMINATED AND SHE GOES "hmm idk maybe ill send it" LIKE????) 

Okay the other thing im freaking out about is bc i feel like theres tension between me Jacob Josh and Jake and im not sure what it is about. I mean i kinda do but im missing key components. The whole situation just doesn't sit right with me at all and I feel very at odds with them in a weird kinda way. I've explained this so many times but i have such a bad feeling that josh leaked the janelle alliance to jacob and is more with him than me and now josh is setting these two sides against each other and i just heard from him that nash isnt nomming him so now im really uncomfy ughhhh i have such a bad feeling and i really need to work on people like jev saira monty to make sure i have people behind me i can fall back on, but also im getting the vibe jake really really trusts me which is great because i want to go far with him as well, unless hes just misting me SUPER hard ughhh

god i just have such a bad feeling about this week buts its fINE totally fine ill work it out eventually,,,but now its trust ranking time yay

1.Gina (youre so inactive i adore you!)

2.Joshua (kid GANG!!! thank you for trusting me sometimes <3)

3.Jake (hes a crackhead but hes my crackhead)

VERY BIG GAP

4.Emma (shes chilling what a lovely gal)

5.Monty (better inactive than be active and a threat)

6.Nathan (youre kinda sketchy but hes like a funky older brother)

7.Josh (youre at the center of a balancing act i wonder if u can keep it up)

8.Nick (they always give such an honest vibe,,,,,i dont trust it)

9.Brianna (shes so sweet but the sweetest angels make the fiercest demons)

10.Jev(,,,,your on slightly thicker ice than joey but combined with a little more charisma)

ANOTHER GAP WOOT WOOT

11.Joey (youre on THIN fucking ice buddy,,,,please be more open w/ me)

12.Saira (im begging for u to talk game to me,,, but also since we havent talked u cant snake me yet)

13. Jacob (idk ily sm but youre so fcking connected and idk if i reached ur inner circle yet)

14. Kiki (my favorite furry)

15.Nash (please talk to me im begging ill do anything please plsease plaease plae-)

So update ive been talking around and wow this game loves looking at my allies and kicking them in the kneecaps while spitting in their eyes ugh. So nash is probably leaning towards nomming jake and Gina with gina as the target (really weird that jake is nommed makes me think jacob had some influence there) but in that scenario best case is that veto is used and anyone but josh goes up and that person leaves easy fucking peasy!! Anyway i just talked with josh and apparently jacob was the one who came up with the alliance idea which is interesting bc he tried to pin it on josh. Anyways not to totally contradict my initial rant but me and josh had a really good chat where we're kinda in the same position between two groups (the og alliance and janelle) and we dont know if we should make the og alliance and with who bc of janelle so we're struggling to see whats the correct move from here....or maybe josh is completely misting me but i fucking hope not ugh- either way im surviving this week and thats that!!

JEV

I'm realising that I'm getting myself into a pretty tight position since I have firm alliances with Emma & Jake and Nash & Nathan, as well as being extremely close to Josh C, which could prove difficult for me down the line, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

KIKI

https://youtu.be/6cn8xUFWqhA

BRIANNA

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XvZzg3dTEZ89VeFbG3bxk4JFNtr7Ixm0/view?usp=sharing 

i had to use google drive bc it wouldn't take my file on youtube :((((

JEV

So right now I've somehow accidentally wriggled my way into conspiring with Nash on how best to take Gina out, which is so dumb of me because I don't really want to see Gina leave this week, but at the same time I'm having to fight Nash's decision because she wants to put Emma up beside her and... I can't let that happen because I'm worried Emma would leave over Gina

JEV

So I'm speaking to Nash, taking the heat off of Emma by telling her I feel she could be a number for me/her/Nathan down the line, and now I'm pushing for Brianna to go up since Nash wants someone who 100% wouldn't leave over Gina and I'm thinking like... WHO would vote to evict Brianna, but at the same time I'm feeling super terrible about it because Brianna is a literal angel

JEV

Wow a lot going on so I'm trying to update as best I can, Nash is saying she's going to randomise for who goes to the upside down so I'm having to encourage her not to include me or Nathan in the randomisation just incase she needs us for strategising but REALLY its so I can stay and hang around and try my best to keep Emma from touching the block at all this week.

NASH

sorry for nominating women i didnt mean it.

EMMA

If i am being honest the more this game goes by i get so unmotivated and its only week 3 i suck because well in bbgames like galar and almia i mostly played from the bottom now im like alright i kinda want to fuck up my game for fun but kinda pisses me off a bit that i almost could of been nominated if it wasnt for jev but that pisses me off so much i tried talking to nash but i get left on read i dont take things 100x personal unless if somebody is being mean like laughing etc but knowing that i would be on the block over brianna when i did try talking to nash its still hurts a little but if somebody like gina wins veto if i get on the block it issss what it isss i guess but i played on the bottom way to many times maybe i can do this??

JEV

So my efforts worked and Brianna went up instead of Emma, now I've just gotta hope neither of the noms win POV/that the POV isn't used so I don't have to throw someone elses name out there to Nash :flushed:

JOSH

hello ladies and gays. straights aren't welcome here.

today, we are feeling GOOD because the person we nominated just a few days ago won power and STILL didn't nominate me. is that iconnery or what? i was honestly ready for my ass to be TOAST but i did approach nash before they won HOH and had a conversation about where we stood and they said i would be OKAY this week bc we did start talking. we love to see it, yes we do!

the nominees this week are gina and brianna and.. even though i'm in two different alliances with both of them, i'm not mad at either of them going up. i don't REALLY talk with either and i'd be happy to see either one of them go. the tricky part will be figuring out WHO to vote when the time comes, but we have a POV to happen before we get there. we'll SEE.

if i had to choose, i'd probably send brianna home simply because i find her a bit CHAOTIC where i feel like gina isn't really going to cause a lot of waves with me. she's much more quiet whereas brianna is more likely to be able to pick herself back up.

some other fun events going on:

jake was NOT happy about nash winning and thought he was going to get nominated because of it. he was about to RIP nash a new one and is really brewing with how much he hates them. MAKES ME LAUGH A LIL BECAUSE IT WAS SO UNWARRANTED BUT NEVERTHELESS, it's something to note that jake does NOT like nash.

i think aria is my number one right now bc we get along really well and have very similar opinions. i'm really open with how i talk to her so i'm HOPING she's not spilling everything i say to someone else but i don't think she WOULD? i dunno. i love her energy and i'm hoping we can SLICE AND DICE together in the middle.

my strategy is to take my HOH under my belt and take a step back for a minute while my two alliances (one: jake, aria, gina, emma, saira, me & two: jacob, aria, brianna, kiki, me) get picked off back and forth. i'm going to see if i can craft a narrative for them to go after each other but we'll SEE. there are a lot of people in the middle i enjoy a lot more than some of the people in my alliances so IDK. i feel like some people got thrown into these alliances that i did NOT want but they were kind of forced in so i don't trust it. and i think people KNOW because i'm not very chatty abt it in the chats (and i haven't even made one of the chats. am i supposed to? idk)

anyways that's all for now x 

ARIA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zp71zzR-wgE

someone help

JAKE

https://voca.ro/g2ZQWs9x8du

JEV

Not miss Nash coming to me asking how I'd feel about being renom :flushed:

JEV

So I literally just woke up from a sleep and in the space of 30 minutes have had to talk Nash out of renomming me, Emma or Jake since we've just made an alliance together so I warned her that probably wouldn't work out for us in the long run. We narrowed it down and she shortlisted Aria, Josh C, Monty & Nick, and I have spun her to try and get her to nominate Aria, because 1. I don't wanna see Josh C go up and 2. like with Brianna I feel nobody here would vote to evict Aria, and Nash wants Gina GONE (crying emoji) so I feel this was the only logical renom to suggest.

JEV

The conversation has turned back to Emma and I just really don't wanna let that happen because I do feel like she'd leave over Gina. Part of me is saying not to stick my neck out too much to save Emma but at the same time she's my number 1 in this game and I hope she'd return the favour if she was in my position.

NASH

this was literally one of the worst decisions i've ever had to make so now i'm just kinda pissed off! 

ARIA

Well,,,, FBSFJDF I feel like im making so many of these but honestly this game changes everyday so please dont be too annoyed by me uwu, the mood swing i had just this DAY was insane so lets begin w/ the general info-

IN TIME LINE ORDER

-Jev told jake that something about noms but acted dumb when I asked

-Gina/Joshua/Aria alliance created!!

-Saira and Josh are close

- VIDEO DR GOES HERE

-Jake spills Emma-Jev-Nathan-Nash-Jake alliance with Emma/Jev/Jake being a trio as well= Jev created the alliance

-Jev prefers gina out

-jake doesnt believe in screenshots or recording calls

-Jev and Jake are close

-Jev/Jacob/Jake all played together before

-I leaked Bri's backups to Jake as well as Jacob's trio with Nash and Kiki

-nash almost backdoored jev bc he wasnt responding to her

-jev was the reason i was almost otb

-I WAS ALMOST OTB

-Josh AND Jacob both want Jake out

-Bri thinks nash's comp ability is scary

-Nash and Nick are close 

-Jacob nervous about Bri's backup leaking

-Jacob barely talks w/ saira and monty

-made a final three w/ jacob josh called malibu

So now im debating whether its morally okay for me to analyze what happened in the living room in a game sense. FBSdffan So lets run down things in chronological order and I might mention my thoughts if they arent too controversial, Nathan leaks the alliance with jev/nash/jake/emma. Eventually emma says 'i wanna know who put these thoughts in the hohs head" and nick starts to shut the discussion down which is an interesting contrast to their earlier attitude where they were very for the drama continuing, which leads me to begin they had some sort of hand in it. Nathan goes on to say he likes nash on a personal lvl which jake analyzes as a nod to a friendgroup and a mini confrontation between nathan and jake occur. I believe that part was just a misunderstanding on both parties account. Then happy discussion until Jake calls nash out for being in the diary session for too long which leads to a discussion of house guests over analyzing production and using that as a strategy which is ultimately unfair and also at this time I believe nash was going through itTM leading to their friends to be slightly defensive on their behalf (which is valid) and i after rereading things i really hope that they're okay, ultimately this leads up to frustration on Jake's part and his ultimate quit. 

I mean where do i go from here? I have the Bri's angels but that did get leaked to Emma on Jake's way out so i need to figure some way to micromanage that where i think im gonna make a emma jev alliance and work with them as a trio in the future (if gina goes) but rn i feel like this force of energy that is Bri's backups is gonna body for a bit but i think theyre gonna throw hoh leading me jev or emma to step up and body a bit. Like i think i might actually win hoh and nom nash and monty with a nick potential renom bc im BORED and nash continuing to skate by without even talking to me is not valid, and monty is so not here its like??? HEWWO??? but idk thats making big moves i may just chill a bit for now but i dont want jev and emma being targeted in the future bc theyre gonna be numbers for me and thats on PEWIOD!

HOST WEEKLY CAST ASSESSMENT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L25lY813N1k&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=4&t=0s

[pokefanbri]

"Home is where the heart is" I dont have to tell you where that lies. But its only part of the pain. I know in my heart I'm a good person, but my life has been in shambles since I was young. Theres many like me, that dont deserve the life they were given & yet somehow persevere through it just to survive & try to be happy through the pain.

How I ask do I deserve not to be happy. I feel there was no justice for me, I was dishonorably discharged lol. I was truly happy where I was, but even if i were to travel place to place...that is also in my blood, not just the place I resided.

I was at home, I was at peace, I truly loved everyone there & every second. But do I dare go there again, absolutely in a heartbeat. But this is what kills me, Part of me says "this is your life now, accept it, push through even if u can't" the other part of me says that ill be white knighted with a bust through the door like the kool-aid man & he says "sike, yea i fucked it up & didn't realize I had something special, will u forgive me" 😅

But i know that could just be my imagination & im overthinking again. But where actually is my life headed? I have a good heart, i care so much about those thats affected me even in a bad way...but maybe that's God's love showing right through me, because I forgive easy & help those that need it. My brother says that a "helper" is equivalent to a partner in crime & all aspects, a soul mate. He throws the word around with this subject, but he's also trying to find his forever helper which he believes is the mother of his 1st born children. Thats great, given the right circumstances & if her situation was better, yea they could probably try.

For me, caring & trust is my biggest downfall. Because i do so much for others b4 myself, I end up taken advantage of or at least feeling like it. Even if its not the case, the wrong thats been done to me all my life..made me this way. I cant help that. And to find someone that I trusted fully, only to find out that I couldn't. That breaks a person like me down & actually hurts to the core. I didnt deserve that, but it was the disservice that was thrust upon me without a 2nd thought. I wasn't given the proper chance to love someone because they refused to love me back & yea most of the time it was about them...but thats a leo for ya 😅

When someone shares it mutually, everyone wins, you're complete, u have that "helper" you've been longing for all your life. The good times that were shared, the humorous banter, doing something for the other just cuz u can & cuz u want to, showing eachother off to friends & family like "yea thats my babe right there" as if to say they were happy u were there,the best friend & sidekick that everyone needs...it was all gone in a blink of an eye. Leading on my heartstrings, making me fall harder & harder, the friendship to the end even, all for nothing. But because of all the positives, thats what gets me, it's why my pain is so confusing. Why was it all like that if not on purpose whether for a positive reason I have yet to understand, to make it easier for them not to deal without regard for the others feelings, or cause God making me suffer more through it to make me stronger...when I thought I was done with low struggles already.

Idk man, I just dont understand. But because of what my life has been like over the past half of the year, all the positives makes me want more...because I never got all of him in the 1st place. I always wanted more because he held himself back & on purpose. So maybe it did seem like attachment, but only cuz I longed for the same feeling in return & didnt give up trying to find it..literally any sign of it. I was trying to figure his sweet ass out & learn what kind of person he really was lol, so I could accommodate to him more especially in the last weeks I was sweating my ass off 😆 I was dedicated so much I was willing to change what wasn't liked on the outside. Like I wanted to do so much to keep the best thing i had, cause deep down I knew his old feelings fizzled out quick & I just didnt understand & I still dont. I mean I guess I understand if he wasn't ready for a commitment? And that's fine, but he committed b4 & when I was brought there. What is it that was so wrong about me, that negative thoughts festered so much about someone it makes u think someone else is the problem, when its not the case at all.

Theres nothing i can think of, nothing else i could've done to show my worth, that I wasn't a waste of time. Maybe I pushed too hard? But in those last few weeks I gave space & focused on myself & my tasks at hand with so much more effort to have some kind of a chance, to save what was precious to me..save someone else that couldn't rise up on their own. & i blew it somehow. I was told i settled, but that was the point from the beginning that we both agreed upon. I think it was just that the other was getting comfortable with someone around & it scared em..to where they couldn't do all they wanted in life along with dealing with someone else at the same time. Or possibly felt 1 or the other wasnt good enough for the other & felt inadequate or unequiped. And searching for someone else to fill a void they already had at home, thats another thing that befuddles me. The last time I saw him, it didn't look or sound like he cared, avoided eye contact til he drove off & my heart sank even more as I knew it might be the last time I ever saw him. I was too pissed & in the heat of the moment flipped him off til he was out of sight, but after...i wanted to die right then & there but my best friend was there & we were on a deadline just as he was. If I were alone & my friend wasn't there, I'd be sobbing in that parking lot for hours til someone found me.

They, he, had it all but lost it due to their own negligence, in my opinion.

I mean come on whats not to like about me that didn't go hand in hand with what they were searching for.

The perfect heritage to match his (Templin Germany the 7th largest region) with some jew blood, same interests & hobbys, outlook on life, the lucky number, a good & gentle soul with a love for God. Passion for travel, soft spot for bald eagles, the dream of becoming a parent 1 day, intellectually & gamer gifted, both loves BLT sandwiches...because i da snack too 😏, both have the same middle name but spelled differently & 30yr olds with same hs class year, I have 3 hansome brothers & he has 3 beautiful sisters. I mean Dafuq? Lol. We're total opposites & literally residing NE to SW of the country, 1 grew up well the other not so much...yet we still were able to find eachother....somehow? Bro how about u try the other half of the yr here, 6 month equivalent & finish 2020 the right way huh lol BET 😂 oh man. A girl can dream though can't she?

I have a college writing level & training in business, musical theater, massage therapy (which was the fav), veterinary tech college training in hs, 7 years of choir under my belt since 5th grade including after hs in multiple churches & my choir teachers wedding. I Iove animals, likes to paint, great with technology, listen to music & sing along to every word almost exact, family oriented, a gaming & content creating wizard, passion for helping people, can organize & clean the shit out of anything, can be the boss when i feel the need as well as the spunk & charisma to push forward at any given task. I can multitask & can get shit done if I set my mind to it, if there's something or someone I need to feel purpose to be my best self, yea & if I'm accepted, that's purpose enough right there to get my ass moving.

Yea, jumbling alot of shit in my early life made me crack under the pressure but only cuz i really went over the top & burnt out. But ive relaxed alot since then & am treated for my ailments, ive learned to do things to pace myself now to prevent a psychosis from ever happen again.

Ive said this b4, there was 1 other that also broke up with me...1st time it ever happened the other way around mind u, was also a Leo.. shocker lol. After only 3 months & of me saying the L word too quick...it was what finally broke me, what added ontop of everything else. I was living in my own apt since hs & after school a yr later at 19..he lived in the same apt complex & worked where i did. We hit it off really well & loved talking to eachother at work, almost the same humorous & smart personality with a passion for gaming, dead ass great driver, skinny & ample where it counted, & yea also a weed enthusiast 😅 all of it pretty much the same as the recent one in my life. Honestly thinking about it now they probably would've been great friends lol. Thomas was his name, but I was in a relationship at the time of meeting him as well. But I didn't pursue anything til that relationship blew up in my face just cuz my current bf's grandfather was my boss & saw how well Thomas & i got along as friends, associated it with cheating, & that was that. Tom could be mine after all lol, chips fell into place on their own after he professed his feelings to me on his MySpace blog so damn smoothly lol 😂 Saying there was a girl he liked, i commented on it, he asked me out, that was trap lol, but it worked lol. The chemistry was 🔥

But yea, we had alot fun together & he was completely chill with me. But after it ended it set something off in me. Ended up in a psych ward for 2-3 weeks, little did I know he was worried sick & had no idea where i was or how to visit. I wasnt allowed to have my phone but the persons number I knew by heart, was the previous guy b4 tom, the chubby aloof dumbass that was my 1st love lol. Tom hated him with a passion cuz this dude wasn't a man that treated me fairly, pushed onto me by his family for me to take care of, shelter & feed him mooching off of me & taking advantage of a comfortable place to live at 1 point. When i was in the hospital, my 1st was the 1 to pick me up. When I got back from the hospital I learned of how tom was worried & he gave me a big hug. But by that point I was back with the 1st...somehow that happened & I actually don't remember what brought it on cuz my memory throughtout those weeks was dowsed in medication...but Thomas was the one heartbroken instead of me this time cuz he actually did want me back, the fact I took this other guy back over him, a person he despised...was terrible to him & he severed all ties, moved away. He broke up with me, technically it was okay as so i thought to see someone else regardless if it was an ex or not. i didn't know I had another chance at all.

But anyway, the difference between the 2 leo Ts, 1 let me in completely, cared about me as much as i did for him in same way & the L word too soon is what did it in for him after 3 months 🤷‍♀️ The other T well..unfortunately 1 sided for the most part despite how well we clicked, i was faithful & the other tried not to be after 3 months & hid things due to his own insecurities, pulling me along for another 3months when I didn't have to do jack for him at all after that point, but I did. I might've said the L word too soon with him as well idk. But because I'm a different person than I was then, there's no psychotic break...its just the depressed feeling of defeat with the mix of the longing i still have for him.

Wtf is it with T names & the number 3!? ffs! 😫 Briana Leigh Templin BLT, Bri Loves...whoever Tfuk 🤣

I cant write anymore today, I gotta leave tomorrow. My brother wants me to work for him instead & make more money, in a team that would be like in an office space, basically an assistant but making calls & checking in with clients within his real estate, solar, etc businesses.

But idk, I just got my foot in the door with something else. If I let go of that, for something that could or could not be bad for me, then what do I do? Neither of them sound any less stressful, bryans idea however earns more money & would have me dealing with stuff I like to do in regards to skills maybe? Idk man, idk. It'd a tough call.

My point in writing this, nothing accept to show how much I thought he was perfect for me, just as he originally thought about me. These are all thoughts going through my mind, get them out of my head. To talk openly the way I am, its therapeutic. But I miss him so damn much, not sure when this feeling will go away. I still love him & even dare I say trust him,even through his lying ass faults & idk why, i shouldn't but i do...thats the powerful effect he had on me. Still waiting on the last promise to be friends, im giving space, venting here instead of to him cuz i wouldn't want to be that much of an annoyance. I was going to include more but it'd be dark & negative,& im not about outing the worst in people especially if he was a good guy for the most part...no that wouldn't be right, probably deserves it to be honest..but no. I still wanna do right by him. That's all for now