#i feel bad for needing them which i'm aware is not a rational way of thinking and i need to open up etc etc

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

Living with her is such a weird limbo now I’ve decided to go no-contact when I move out, like I’m sad and annoyed all the time about her bs and her attitude and her gaslighting, but I also know there’s an end in sight so I don’t feel... anything about it at the same time.

Idk I’ve got all these weird feelings/non-feelings going on and I just want to reach that end date so I can get on with my life, I’m feeling very weird lately...

[percervall]

it's a bad idea (fuck it, it's fine) — part 1

Summary: your housemates give you an offer you can't refuse. What's the worst that could happen? Pairing: Jenson Button x fem!reader, Fernando Alonso x fem!reader, Sebastian Vettel x fem!reader, Mark Webber x fem!reader Warnings: smut, dirty talk, mild degrading, oral (m and f receiving), face fucking, fingering, slight nipple play, hinting at m/m, mentions of free use, *gasp* and they were room mates Word count: 1.9k

Part 1 of the Fuck It series

The arrangement was, frankly, absurd. Had the offer come from anyone other than Jenson, you would have kicked them so hard they wished you had punched them instead. Part of you hoped he would have forgotten what he had said while heavily under the influence of too much champagne, but luck was not on your side. 

"Have you thought about my offer?" Jenson asks, innocently blowing on his coffee, making you choke on air. 

"The offer in which I pay my rent by, wait let me check my notes. Ah, yes, 'fucking you'," you reply, voice a lot steadier than you feel. Because truth be told, it had been impossible to not fantasise about getting railed into next week by him- by any of them. Oh, you were well aware of how much your life had become the plot of a rom-com ever since your landlord decided to be an absolute greedy bastard. Become a live-in house sitter for 4 millionaires they said, it'll be fun they said. Liars.

"Oh come on, it'll be mutually beneficial," Jenson argued. 

"Proud of you for using your big boy words, pretty boy but how exactly is this gonna end up in anything other than disaster?" 

"He's hungover and a himbo, why are you bullying him?" Mark mutters, voice still rough with sleep as he literally picks you up and unceremoniously plops you down on top of the counter. There are days where you curse your small stature and his strength, especially when it leaves your brain stuttering to process getting manhandled. 

"We'll set rules. All I'm saying is we're all adults-.." You can't help but snort at that. "Fine, whatever. I'm just saying that I've seen the way you look at them, seen the way your eyes flash with lust and I am pretty sure some truly filthy fantasies, and I know I can speak for all four of us when I say we would love to help you realise those. Also, we don't need your rent money and this is just so much more fun." Well then. You just got read for filth before even having had your morning coffee. Fuck him for seeing right through you. 

"Where's your sense of adventure, nena?" Fernando comments, a wicked glint in his eyes.

"Right next to my 'I survived Multi-21' t-shirt," you mutter. It's a low blow, but getting bullied into sleeping with four drivers makes it hard to think.

Mark shoots you a look, eyebrow raised. 

"The mouth on you," he comments, "Seb was very apologetic. Made it up to me in the best possible way. In fact, I should make you apologise to the both of us the same way, sweetheart. On your knees." He whispers the last part in your ear and you cannot contain the whimper that comes out at his thinly veiled threat.

“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Being made to kneel and take cock like the good little girl you are, hm?” 

“Mark-..” You have no idea how to respond to that and keep your dignity in tact. You try to look away but Mark takes your chin between his forefinger and thumb.

“I asked you a question sweetheart. Are you gonna be a good girl for us?” His thumb tugs on your bottom lip and all rational thought leaves you as you nod. 

“Mm, knew JB was right about you. Takes one to know one, I suppose.” You can hear a muffled what the fuck’s that supposed to mean? from the living room as Mark helps you down from the counter. You hadn’t even noticed the McLaren teammates had left the kitchen until just now. 

“On your knees, sweetheart,” Mark nudges you and you sink down onto the floor. The small kitchen runner is the only thing protecting your knees from the cold hardwood floor, but the prospect of sore knees is quickly forgotten now that you’re at eye level with Mark’s crotch. You can clearly see the outline of his hardening cock against his shorts and it has your mouth watering. Mark chuckles as he notices the hunger in your eyes.

“You’re lucky Seb is out for a run. Or maybe I’m the lucky one, getting to fuck this mouth all by myself.” The whimper you let out is involuntarily as you eagerly watch him hook his thumbs into the waistband of his shorts, pushing them down far enough to free his cock. You scoot a little closer, taking him in your hand, tongue darting out to lick away the bead of pre-cum. Mark hisses, head thrown back and that’s all the encouragement you need to suck the tip into your mouth. 

“You’re gonna be the death of me,” he says, sounding absolutely wrecked already despite you not even having done anything yet. 

“You said something about fucking my mouth?” Mark looks down at you, pupils completely blown and he grins so wickedly, it leaves you breathless. 

“Are you absolutely sure sweetheart?” As you nod in response, he gathers your hair into a ponytail in his fist, angling your face. “Alright then. Tap my thigh twice if it’s too much and I will stop, okay?” 

“Okay,” you parrot, and move your legs apart ever so slightly to stabilise yourself. Mark drags the tip of his cock across your lips and you open up for him. He slides in, careful to not immediately choke you. You relax your jaw as much as you can, but god it’s been so long since you last did this. Mark sets a slow rhythm, letting the both of you adjust. Looking up at him through your lashes, you can see how he’s trying to hold on to the last shreds of self control, and well. That just won’t do. 

“Mark,” you say, slightly out of breath as you pull back, “you taunted me with using me. So for the love of God, fucking use me.” Mark chuckles and the sound has you aching. He tightens his grip on your hair and slides his cock back into your mouth. Resting your hands on his thighs, you close your eyes as he finally delivers on his promise. The sounds are obscene and if you had a functioning brain cell left, you would have been concerned about the two of you doing this in the kitchen, but as things stand, the only thing you can focus on is Mark’s throbbing cock inching down your throat. Forcing yourself to open your eyes, you look at him as you swallow around him. 

“Fuck. Fuck. I’m not gonna last, sweetheart,” he groans, pulling back. You hollow your cheeks while taking deep breaths through your nose, pulling another string of curses from the Aussie. You can feel his cock throb as he grunts above you.

“Gonna-.. Fuck.. So good, you feel so fucking good..” he mumbles, and throws his head back as he comes. 

“You better not swallow, Schatzi,” comes a voice from the doorway. Who are you to disobey? Mark pulls out carefully, tucking himself back into his shorts while Sebastian helps you up from the floor. He carries you bridal style into the living room, placing you down on the couch next to Fernando. 

“Show Nando, baby,” Sebastian all but coos and you carefully open your mouth. The underlying relationships? Questionmark? between your housemates makes your head spin, but judging by the way Fernando’s eyes darken, Sebastian knows something about the Spaniard you don’t. 

“Can I kiss you, nena?” he asks and all you can do is nod. Fernando cradles your cheek, pressing an almost chaste kiss against your lips before he runs his tongue over the seam of your lips. The moan he lets out as he tastes Mark on your tongue has you throbbing. When you break apart to catch some air, Sebastian leans closer and licks away the few drops of cum that spilled when Fernando kissed you. Am I dreaming? you can’t help but wonder. Out loud apparently.

“Very much awake, doll,” Jenson grins as he kneels in front of you, “Something tells me you’re absolutely soaking. Mind if I give a hand? I do so love making people come with my mouth,” he adds and you’re quick to raise your hips so he can pull down your panties, much to Jenson’s amusement. He pushes your oversized shirt up higher and parts your legs. Sebastian moves your face so he can steal a kiss and you moan into his mouth as Jenson drags the flat of his tongue over your oh so sensitive clit. Their hands are everywhere it feels like. You’re pretty sure Fernando has one up your shirt, teasing your nipple while he kisses your neck. Jenson’s are curled around the inside of your thighs as he holds you open for him while Sebastian has one hand on your cheek as he kisses you; the other mirrors Fernando’s. Needing something to hold on to, you bury a hand in Jenson’s hair. He sucks your clit into his mouth, moaning against your cunt as you tug. Breaking the kiss, you throw your head back with a moan of your own while you grind against Jenson’s tongue. 

“Need.. Fingers.. Please, Jenson, need your-.. Fuck, oh God..” Despite your incoherent state, Jenson understands what it is you’re asking of him as he carefully slides two of his long fingers inside of you. Sebastian and Fernando manage to strip you of your t-shirt, both of them taking a nipple into their mouth. 

“I’m so-.. So close.. I’m gonna cum, please can I cum?” you whimper. Fernando mutters a yes against your skin and something snaps; Your back arches as your orgasm hits you and for a moment you forget how to breathe. The loss of Jenson’s fingers makes you whine but your housemates more than make up for it when Fernando grabs his wrist in order to bring Jenson’s fingers to his mouth, moaning as he tastes you. 

“Just as I thought, you taste delicious nena,” the Spaniard comments with a grin. These men will be the death of me, you can’t help but think while Seb accepts the glass of water Mark hands him. The German driver helps you take a few sips as you slowly return into your body. Something tells you that this only scratches the surface of their underlying dynamics and you are dying to delve deeper.

“Told you it’d be mutually beneficial,” Jenson jokes, pulling you from your thoughts. 

“God, I hate that I’m saying this because your ego is fucking big enough as is-,” you start only for Jenson to interrupt with a that’s not the only thing that’s big, doll which makes you roll your eyes.

“I was gonna agree to your plan, idiot. You proved your point. Twice over. I- eh.. I can see the appeal,” you continue before downing the last of the water. The four men share a look that you can’t quite decipher and it makes you wonder: just what did you exactly sign up for? You pull your shirt back on, suddenly very aware of the fact you’re naked, needing something to act as a barrier between you and this crazy idea. 

“How about we discuss the details after breakfast? Don’t know about you, but I am starving,” Mark breaks the silence. You nod gratefully and let Sebastian pull you to your feet. A part of you is excited to see where this.. arrangement will lead you, but you’re also apprehensive that you might be about to bite off far more than you can chew. 

Welp. Here we go I guess. Updates are gonna be slow on this, so please temper your expectations. Ideas have been brain stormed, things are brewing in the ol' noggin, I just gotta write it 🥲

Massive shoutout to @curiousthyme and @feralnando for helping me brain rot about this and for holding my hand while I descent even further into chaos. This whole part was written while listening to Hozier's Too Sweet and Ethel Cain's Gibson Girl on repeat, so feel free to do with that information as you please

Please let me know what you think. Your comments, likes and tags mean the world to me 💜

taglist

@2pagenumb @dannyramirezwife @daydreaminlewis @emlynblack @forza55 @jaimeleannavanlloman @mehrmonga  @szobosz @raizelchrysanderoctavius @whoreforeveryon

[drdemonprince]

Hi! I remember you talking about doing shadow work (in a reply to an ask, I think); do you have any advice on how to start? Especially for someone who who has a really hard time with consistency/habits? Thanks!

For me it is not an intentional practice separate from my regular life, it is an orientation toward my own most negative thoughts/impulses/reactions. I do not believe that any thought is harmful or morally wrong to have, and so when I experience a thought that is violent, cruel, bitter, pathetic, prejudicial, short-tempered, jealous, whatever else, I accept it, and study it with curiosity rather than self-condemnation.

I notice patterns over time in what I am particularly un-evolved and unenlightened about. What hang ups do I have? What weird bullshit respectability politics or traditional gender norms do I still apply to myself or to others? Who do I fuckin hate and why?

Which of these things can I just kind of shrug at and accept as a feature of my programming and which ones do I see seriously holding back my life? That's probably the hardest part of shadow work for me. I'm very aware of a lot of my flaws and the things i'm irrationally emotionally reactive to and defensive about, but I get attached to my way of seeing things. It can be scary to become more open-minded and uncertain and less spiky. And some things just aren't easy to change even if I want them to. Part of shadow work means allowing oneself to be in an unfinished state.

Another part of it for me is accepting with a dark kind of gratitude that the world would be a pretty terrible place if everyone was like me. There is so much about humanity that I do not understand. I could never be a surgeon. I could never be a good parent. I could never be a social worker. There is so much I am so bad at. Maybe this is the Narcissism and Lack of Empathy talking, but I've had to really humble myself. I used to think I was so much more rational and less of a waster of time and resources than most people around me. Now I realize I have run on self-denial and repressed emotionality for a very long time and demanded that life have some Purpose when it doesn't. So a lot of my shadow work has been acknowledging my ultimate smallness and feebleness and just general uselessness -- i have a lot to be grateful to other people for doing, but also life has no purpose that needs to be fulfilled so i can just exist and suck for every single second that i'm alive if that's what i'm gonna do.

radical acceptance shit is definitely mixed in there, and some DBT kinda strategies. I've finally arrived at a place where I can love my dissatisfaction as a core part of me and accept that life is not meant to be happy and comfortable. we always keep moving, changing our environments to make them a little better, chasing after new passions and then getting disillusioned with them, falling in and out of love, getting lost. we're always lost. we're always making mistakes and being dumb as humans. that's like what we are. silly little freaks that make up lots of pretend games for fun but then get swept up in believing them too much. i kind of feel at peace now with the fact that i'll always be messy and impulsive and have weird beliefs and will change constantly and look back on my past with a cringe reaction every four or five years. i dont expect myself to ever arrive, because what the hell would that look like?? being satisfied and happy sure sounds a lot like being dead.

[dairy-farmer]

It's almost midnight and I'm not entirely sure how to phrase this, but this idea will not leave me alone.

Bruce, Dick, and Jason are good people; obviously, they wouldn't be heroes/vigilantes if they weren't. And part of being a good person is being revolted by sex crimes, especially against children. The Bats always hurt the sex criminals a little more than any other bad guys... And yet they're all fucking the underage new Robin, Tim.

Jason has forbidden children from working the corner, and kills a pimp who tries to turn out a kid anyway - then goes back to the manor and bends little Timmy in half. Dick saves a young woman from a date rapist, breaking the guy's arms in three different places - then goes back to his apartment where Tim is visiting and they 69 for almost an hour. Bruce helps the Justice League take down a worldwide sex trafficking ring - and returns home wake up Tim with a surprise fucking.

Eventually someone in the hero community finds out (it's honestly shocking how little effort the bats seem to be putting into hiding this horrific thing they're doing), and because it seems so out of character they bring in Martian Manhunter/Constantine/Wonder Women's lasso to check if they're being a mind controlled or lying about being good people or something. But? There's no sign of mind control or magic spells. And when Wonder Woman questions them they don't try to lie, even in the standard bat 'lies of omission or talking around in circles so it seems like they answered but they actually didn't' way. Of course they're fucking Tim. Yes, it's been a few years and no Tim isn't even 15 yet. Things get very odd though when Diana offhandedly asks how they could possibly do such terrible things, because all three say that there is nothing bad or terrible about what they're doing ... and the lasso doesn't blow or burn them. They are telling the truth, or more specifically, they believe what they are saying is the truth.

After a lot of back and forth it's established that Bruce, Dick, and Jason only feel this way about Tim: when the situations and circumstances around Tim are presented in an ambiguous way, the three are rightfully angry and horrified. But as soon as those actions are applied to Tim, they immediately change tune. It's completely baffling and makes absolutely no sense!

Until they go to question Tim and Constantine, having never met Tim before, exclaims that 'he's a fucking succubus!'. Turns out that Tim was not aware of this, and neither were the bats, yet Tim had managed to somehow subconsciously edit in a type of 'Tim Exclusion Clause' to the Bat's sexual morality about minors and children. The reason Constantine hadn't caught it before when he scanned for magic is that it's not a compulsion or an enchantment or anything like that, but more along the lines of a 'glamor' - Tim isn't making them want to have sex with him, he's just kind of editing out of the morality and rational thought that would point out why they shouldn't be attracted to him or want to.

Honestly not sure where to go with this from here. The Justice League probably ends up not doing anything because like, Tim is totally into it and also needs to have sex to remain healthy, and his morality edit glamor has no effect on the bats actions towards any other people or children. I don't know why, I just really liked the idea of "The bats find 'xyz' actions absolutely horrific... Unless it's them and Tim, in which case it's totally different and cool".

yessssssssss!!!!!!!!!this is so good!!!!!! tim being a succubus and no one knowing and him ending up using his powers unconsciously to make it so that tim fits in his own category, outside of 'grown up' and 'child', existing outside the barriers that would normally prevent the bats from fucking him.

the way that none of them see anything wrong with the fact that they're fucking and sharing tim, they don't make any effort to hide it and in fact the justice league aren't the first people to find out. there have been visitors to the manor who have seen or heard things and have just never bothered to say anything because bruce is...bruce and the amount of money he has would ensure their silence if they ever tried to say anything so they don't even bother trying and just resolve that it's typical rich people depravity.

tim being a succubus and it affecting his sweet admiration for batman and nightwing and robin. he's a young succubus, a baby succubus and so he can't fully control his power- the ones that allow him to cross paths with them one night while he's spying on them with the telescope he got for his birthday on the roof of his parent's penthouse.

tim had always been a little different from his peers, from the other children. he'd always been more...advanced. more mature with an indepth knowledge about people and what felt good, what made them lose sanity and control. tim couldn't help it, couldn't resist his own body and the way it just hummed with a hunger and need.

but all that had happened was counselors and teenagers bringing his parents in, accusing them of things and their son of being a seducer and that this was a school for decent people. and so tim was made to home school.

until robin stumbled across him. until he was charmed by tim's earnest demeanor and need to please. for nightwing and batman it's the same.

they stop by to visit tim, increasing the length, they don't reject tim's invitation in, eager to show them his photos taken from his telescope and his room.

tim's room in that quiet little penthouse is where they fuck him for the first time and fill tim's belly in more than one way.

they bring tim home eventually, to the manor to play more and also because they liked him, they liked having him around and seeing him giggle and laugh when they weren't crouched over him fucking their cocks into his little hole.

sex with tim is different, it's better, deeper. it's like they can feel at peace with the world when they're with tim and not fall so deeply into the darkness of nihilism and crumbling faith in the world after doing their jobs for so long and seeing the worst humanity had to offer. tim grants them reprieve from that and so of course they grow attached to him.

for the most part sex with tim doesn't feel like sex, it doesn't carry the heaviness it usually does. where before dick and bruce would balk at sharing a partner, with tim they did it without blinking. they'd even keep talking about a case through it while tim whined between them.

dick and jason would discuss entire sex abuse cases while taking turns fucking into tim's little hole, neither of them seeing anything off about spending time with their timmy.

even after they find out tim is a succubus nothing in their brains switches. they still never see anything off about what they do only that their friends go green with sickness when they talk about fucking tim. it's not like they dislike tim either, if anything they seem very...concerned for tim?

either way nothing ultimatly changes but it does take the league awhile to...adjust. they're not sure how to tackle it.

constantine had told them that depriving a succubus was akin to torture and removing the succubus from their...feeding ground was tangential to genuine abuse especially since tim was essentially harmless and wasn't actively praying on people instead opting for willing donations.

but...they can't just ignore how it looks. if new members join the league, if other people find out about it...it just LOOKS bad. it makes them feel weird to act like they approve of it.

but constantine just huffs at them, says their sensibilities are surprisingly delicate and that they need to learn that the world and wider universe won't always necessarily obey their version of morality.

they just need to make peace with the fact that succubi can fuck anyone and thing, that they mature at different rates than humans and while this one might look like a human at a sexually underdeveloped state it was in fact very much a succubi that has begun to feed and establish territory.

and that unless they could prove a compulsion, which constantine had already said there wasn't, there was nothing more they could do.

but constantine sees how unsure and shaken they are and moves to give them some modicum of comfort, telling them that this is no different to finding out their colleague fucks dogs, only difference was that this dog could talk and assure them it was okay.

oddly enough that still doesn't make any of them feel better but constantine had tried and so takes his leave knowing all was right with the world since he got that phone call asking for help because batman was fucking kids.

in the end the league does have to let things be. no one was getting hurt and their colleagues weren't being made to do something.

they do write up a brief to forewarn memebers who might cross paths with the bats. they don't go into much detail but do their best to make sure they're aware of the situation.

that doesn't end up helping much when a pair of dimension travelers stumble across the unfortunate sight of batman with his adopted succubus some years later but they intervene when things get ugly.

of course it doesn't get any easier explaining it to others but they try.

[neonscandal]

Can I ask from this ask game : https://www.tumblr.com/toomanyfandomsthings/749729499738996736/send-me-a-ship-and-a-number-and-ill-tell-you?source=share

No. 2, 10, 11, 12, 15 for SatoSugu, BakuDeku, AshEiji and MatchaBlossom.....Thanks 🌻

Hello, friend 🧡 I love asks like these because I have to put so much more creative thought into them haha so thank you for asking. 🌻 I also love the idea that we don't need to know who the best cook is because it's very apparent in all of these ships 😂

What their love letters look like: Selfies. Constant selfies. Mission selfies. Bored between mission selfies. Words aren't always needed but every pic has an implied "I'm still here, we're still The Strongest."

What TV shows they watch together, and which ones they hide from the other: Gojo is so incredibly lacking in self awareness that he is impervious to the idea that anything he watches is at all embarrassing. They watch The Great British Bake-Off together and Gojo always loudly laments when the objective involves something savory instead of sweet.

What their first impression was of each other: Gojo thought "Bangs." Geto thought "The audacity of this guy."

What they would change about each other: Gojo wouldn't change a thing, even the things that might feel a bit irksome, things work the way they are and he's happy, so happy. Geto has a laundry list of things he wish he could change: Gojo's feral gremlin energy, his constant sweet tooth, the brash way he speaks which always embarrasses Geto but he accepts these things, too. He likes to pull them out in a fight though (in jest).

What their love letters look like: Twin. Merch. Midoriya would give Bakugo the last of some exclusive All Might merch even though it would pain him. Bakugo would go to the ends of the earth to make sure Midoriya wouldn't go without.

What TV shows they watch together, and which ones they hide from the other: Hero documentaries, biopics and, of course, the midnight release of any new All Might movies. Bakugo hides that he is also a Real Heroes of Musutafu trash reality tv watcher. 👀 As nosy as he is, its a guilty pleasure.. but not a secret he keeps well.

What their first impression was of each other: Midoriya was timid and reserved and Bakugo was loud and a bit abrasive so, despite being rough around the edges, Midoriya knew immediately "Kacchan sugoi!". Bakugo wanted Midoriya to be an extra so. bad. He was the only person bold enough to also want to be All Might when they played Heroes vs Villains on the playground and, while that initially grated him, over time it won him over. Man, was that short lived.

What they would change about each other: They both find one another to be self-sacrificial idiots but are completely incapable of seeing how that's just another one of their similarities. Bakugo also wishes Midoriya could be less of an insufferable fanboy but only because he, himself, could never be so brave to be so aggressively different or outside of the norm.

What their love letters look like: Postcards, handwritten letters, tokens of their travels both far and wide. Just the bread crumbs they leave and scatter for one another until they can unite once more. Eiji scrapbooks them but he'd never tell Ash.

What TV shows they watch together, and which ones they hide from the other: They're always behind when it comes to cult classic shows. But they really enjoy Stranger Things. I think Ash, in particular, has a soft spot for Joyce Byers but he'd never say that out loud. Eiji also suspiciously watches the evolution of Steve Harrington's hair as Ash's mysteriously changes in tandem. Eiji would never tell Ash about any of the anime he watches whenever he has some alone time. Ash already accuses him of being more interested in the comics than the news, he would never hear the end of it. But he's super pumped about the Blue Lock movie and rationalizes that it's basically like watching football on Sunday when he's inevitably caught binging the anime ahead of the cinematic release.

What their first impression was of each other: They were both intrigued by one anothers' fearlessness. Eiji never shied away from the big, bad gang leader. Ash was a beacon of nonchalant confidence when Eiji was at a point of listlessness and self doubt. They were both intrigued.

What they would change about each other: Eiji would change Ash's.. morning disposition in a heartbeat. Something about having to fight someone just to get them out of bed is so unnerving, especially as their breakfast gets cold in the interim. Ash, on the other hand, wouldn't change a thing. There's a very delicate balance between them that enables him to tease Eiji about absolutely everything. Why risk jeopardizing that??

What their love letters look like: Lighthearted challenges to determine innocuous things between them. "First person to the couch gets to pick the movie!" "Bet you I can piss Shadow off first!" Just little competitions to keep things interesting because they are nothing if not extraordinary and have a constant need to prove that to one another.

What TV shows they watch together, and which ones they hide from the other: Joe is really passionate about cooking and competitive so he loves watching Hell's Kitchen and Iron Chef and telling Kaoru how he'd dominate on either show. Kaoru huffs and rolls his eyes half-heartedly but also has a massive crush on Mark Dacascos having been a captive audience for several seasons of Iron Chef (who wouldn't?) so he allows these selfish preferences. Also, when they're fighting, he wonders if Gordon Ramsay could, in fact, make Joe cry. Joe insists he could not.

What their first impression was of each other: Joe was a goodie two shoes who happened to be able to hold his own on a skateboard but Kaoru thought he was a bit too bashful, a bit too reserved. Kaoru was a rebel and an artist on a board before Carla took the guesswork out of everything. Even so, Joe was awe-inspired by the Cherry, the spitfire.

What they would change about each other: Kaoru wishes Joe wasn't such a needy gorilla aka that he wasn't so showy and drawing the attention of fan girls and boys alike because he gets a bit jealous. Like, "yes, you're hot. That's why we're dating now put your shirt back on, people are staring, you dolt." Somehow it never comes out that straightforward though. Re: Joe, it's infrequent but sometimes Joe wishes Kaoru would return his affection in similar measure, just as loud and proud. Even though he thinks that'd be nice, he can't help but relish in those isolated moments where Kaoru, in his own way, demonstrates his affection. Those moments where the stars align just so, the wind blows in just the right direction and all of Kaoru's walls crumble. He wears a smile so warm, so genuine that Joe thinks it is worth all the banter in between such moments.

[danikamariewrites]

Helion x adhd!reader

A/n: I love writing these and love that you guys are enjoying them. My requests are open so feel free to send something for any SJM character (I will def be doing ones for Nesta and Mor at some point) thank you @teenageeggscissorslawyer for requesting this I'm so sorry it took so long

Warnings: some angst and mentions of mental health struggles

He knew about your ADHD, you were very open about it wanting to help make more people in the court aware of it. You're all about mental health which is something taboo in Pythian, but with Helion, you work on helping the Day Courts people normalize it

Helion was always there to help when you needed it. He was very soft and gentle with you

Helion is always there to help soothe your anxiety. Being his mate you get very overwhelmed by his job and the dangers he faces. He would always help you rationalize your thoughts so the catastrophic ones wouldn't take over

Sometimes you didn't want to do that because you just weren't in the right head space to rationalize things. The way you dealt with it all was always your choice

Sometimes you wanted to be alone in your room or walk it off

Helion would never force a solution on you if it caused you more stress

He's a very scheduled person and that's something you struggled with

Time blindness was your downfall in the past for a lot of things like showing up to classes on time or remembering important dates

When he makes you high lady you are unsure of your leadership skills

But Helion helped you navigate a lot of the work and to find things to be passionate about to help the court

You also had a kick-ass assistant who was always on top of things. Lana was truly a godsend, that girl never forgets a thing, and you always make sure to show that her work doesn't go unnoticed

You also had a bad habit of speaking out when you shouldn't or cutting people off. Once a High Lords meeting you had a little outburst

Beron was bitching about the cauldron knew what, and you just let slip what you thought was a murmured, “Fucking gods will shut up no one wants to listen to this.”

You covered your mouth as your face went beet red and all eyes were on you. Cassian, Viviane, and Feyre we're trying not to laugh while the other High Lords gaped at you

You tried to apologize but Beron wasn't hearing it. Thesan then called the meeting to an end and everyone went their separate ways

Once you were home you were on the brink of tears trying to apologize to your husband and he started cackling, “Gods love I know that was bad timing but it was so funny seeing Beron Vanserra speechless.” you started laughing too

Doubted yourself a lot and if you were worth the trouble to Helion

Helion would always tell you, “You are not trouble. You are worth all the love and attention I give you and more.” “you are the light of my life my love. If I haven't done enough to prove that I'm sorry.” “your thoughts cannot hurt you. Write them out and you'll see they're just words that mean nothing I promise.”

He felt bad when you were down about your ADHD. Part of him was mad that he had the power to heal but he couldn't heal this for you

When Helion brought that up once you told him, “I feel that way too sometimes but I know this isn't something that can be healed like a wound or broken bones. It's who I am and you've helped me so much.”

[roguetelepaths]

Headcanoning Lennier as having basically the same feelings about John and Delenn's relationship as in canon, while being aroace, is something that's so important to me.

Why?

Because aroace people are expected to be perfect victims of mass social abandonment. We're expected to let every single person we love push us aside the second they find someone they can be romantically and sexually involved with, and be content with the status quo of being seen as an option and never a priority. Being jealous of your friend's partner as an alloromantic allosexual is socially dicey, but understandable as a thing that happens— being jealous of your friend's partner as an aroace makes you a pariah, because implicit in that jealousy is the desire that our allo loved ones settle for us when we could never meet their needs.

To me, personally, "I love this person but I will never be their priority or be loved by them even half as much" is so much more meaningful when it's an aroace person directing it towards an allo person, because I've had so many experiences with people I love getting into romantic/sexual relationships and suddenly downgrading me to the status of "pet dog" or "animate room decoration" or forgetting I exist entirely because now they're getting everything I can give them PLUS quite a few things I'll never be able to. It's taken so long for me to trust that my live-in partner sees me as a priority despite being allo and that that's not suddenly going to stop if he meets someone just like me that he can do sex at. Hell, I still doubt it emotionally sometimes even if I'm rationally aware of it. It's genuinely traumatizing to be repeatedly abandoned this way.

This is why the idea of reading Lennier (and Pearl, since her arc is so similar in a lot of ways, even down to the power imbalance in her relationship with Rose being similar to Lennier's with Delenn, not to mention the fact that Rose and Delenn both undergo transformations that bring them closer to humanity in various ways— I really do have to wonder if Rebecca Sugar is a B5 fan) as aroace is so important to me. Because the passionate emotions I as an aroace person can feel about others are often downgraded, treated as lesser than romantic and sexual passions. The degree to which those feelings can be painful to me is never talked about, because it's "just friendship," so how bad can it be?

When I see a character like Lennier, or like Pearl, I can be like "This bad. It can be this bad."

[darkfictionjude]

Etymology nonnie here!

Bugs non withstanding, I really enjoyed the update! So much so, that I don't know still what branch I prefer the most. Fortunately my save is right there where we choose where to go.

What I loved most, however, was how Imre's personality finally began to show more. So far, maybe because I'm playing my MC as someone who is overall kind, agreeable and polite, as well as going for the amicable romance options; Imre has only showed a rather kind and approachable persona. Fake, of course, but still incredibly charming.

Yet now, it's possible to see some of his worst aspects showing. His need for control, his prejudices, how he wants to have MC for himself and how is testing his current influence, and even his jealousy. It's fascinating truly, because I wouldn't say the mask has fully fallen off, but some cracks began to show quite clearly.

For instance, I do enjoy that, if so far you have only romanced him, that he clearly considers stopping MC from going with Lorcan (I believe this is also the case if you aren't romancing Imre, but I cannot test it with my current save). Now, it's possible to justify this (from Imre's perspective) as wanting MC to be involved in actually progressing the investigation, and for Imre, Lorcan is not a real helping hand. Yet for me it's clear that there can be another reason. And that's jealousy. In the example I described it's not possible to actually see if it's jealousy or not, but in one of the branches where you go with Imre, MC can ask about how Lorcan may be doing on his own. And Imre goes into a rant of how useless Lorcan is. He obviously gets mad MC brought Lorcan into the conversation. And that's delightful. I'm very much aware MC does not realize this may be jealousy (since, so far, he probably does believe Imre would be interested in him), but I cannot see it as anything else.

No, that's a lie. Now it occurs to me it can be a manipulation tactic too. Imre may want to separate MC from Lorcan, since he does such a low concept of the latter. But even then, it would be a rather bad tactic to use. It makes clear to MC that these are Imre's thoughts about Lorcan. It doesn't make MC agree in spite himself, or begin to doubt Lorcan possible contributions (especially because this is literally the first thing they are doing as team, so judging how well Lorcan performs depends on how he does in the current mission).

At the very least, it may be possible the jealousy is fake. Simply because it's clear Imre is intending to seduce MC, now that it's clear MC does have some interest in him. So, what easier way for MC to feel desired? Especially with the added fake dating, the heavily erotic touching, and the overt charm Imre shows towards MC.

Of course, there is also the fact that Imre and Lorcan hate each other. They hate each other in a way that they would be shipped to oblivion if this was anything but an interactive fiction story where they are romanceable by the player. Simply because it's way too deep, way too explosive and memorable as to not be turned into homoerotic lust. In any case, I pity my MC who always has to get in between the two of them so they don't fight. Which it's such a funny image, the idea of MC who just left the mental hospital, being the rational one of the three.

That said, there is a crack that is not that enjoyable, and is the fact that Imre took credit for the discovery of certain things even if MC was the one who actually got the information (either by blackmailing Candace's mother, or while talking with Amanda). MC also noticed that, and I think it was a slip from Imre. Seeing himself as the only one capable around, the hero who'll solve the mystery. And it's taking others contributions for granted.

There is also the possibility that he is gaslighting MC about a lot of things, but I'm rather conflicted about how purposeful it may be (if it's happening at all). Simply because, while I understand Imre is not an angel, it would be rather perverse to begin to gaslight MC so early. Especially so because it's clear Imre is intrigued by MC, and is harder to access and investigate what makes MC interesting if you are manipulating him to such a huge degree. But maybe it's just me who thinks like this.

On the other hand, Lorcan is a sweetheart. Sure, he may be a foul mouth, but he is sincere. He has a good heart underneath his rudeness. And is clear that, in spite of himself, is possible to grow a friendship with MC. Which gladdens me.

I'm very excited to see how this team continues to interact and grow. Now with Nia as she joins in the following episodes.

I do have some ideas about the mystery itself, but those are for another ask.

Also, I guess I need to have a question. Since often what I give are my observations, and this is called an ask. Therefore, a question is required. So, I wonder, can you say why Imre has chosen to be such a tease with MC? Or is something that varies depending on the kind of romance you are going for (I have not played the antagonistic romance route, so I don't know)?

“Bugs not withstanding” 😔

I was waiting for you to come along with your analysis! Like I said I love in-depth player reactions it’s so fun. I love how you’re so unsure of what imre is doing haha that’s perfect. But also what a dick, taking the credit especially when mc is being so proactive and assertive for the first time ever.

And yes I adored lorcan in this episode. His thing is he hates people throwing their weight around to intimidate others (before someone says it yes orla did this but you know he has a blindspot there) and in that trailer Daryl is bigger and he doesn’t like the injustice of it, it’s like “yeah I can call mc dumb, stupid and tell them to die BUT YOU CAN’T!” Also if I’m not wrong lorcan grabs mc’s hand as they leave regardless of romance, which is nice, I think we have such rare cases of platonic handholding.

I feel like Imre likes to see mc flustered, I think it’s exciting to him to cause such an affect in a person who has never received that type of affection. It’s like teasing a kid you’re going to throw him into a cold pool, you have him in your hands and you dangle them over and when they shriek you pull them back and then do it again. Whatever other motives he has he finds mc’s reaction to him very delicious. In antagonistic romance, it’s much more aggressive I would say, he grabs them roughly and it’s a form of revenge, of getting the upper hand when mc manages to one up him.

[shinjiikar1]

So as I've been watching My Stand-In I've been writing down my thoughts on each episode, because boy do I have a lot of thoughts about this show. It's just really good to chew on! I'm a little behind and I'm trying to catch up before the finale, so I thought I'd post them throughout the week as the show comes to an end;; Starting with Episodes 1-4 under the cut ^^

Ep. 1

Joe… my guy… everything sucks so bad for you already huh ☹

Wut being at the hospital and talking about old joe… joe being like “guess I have to be a stand-in for another guy again” like so resigned, it hurts :(

It’s interesting to see like, Ming already having some sort of feelings for Joe when he probably doesn’t even realize it

The way he looks at him when Joe cooks for him and does nice stuff for him, he seems to just not “get it” and I think he’s confusing his feelings of like general attraction (esp due to his similarity to Tong) and his warm feelings of being cared for, for just that similarity

The fact that Joe just likes him immediately and wants to do things for him is I think not super helpful for his brain, like, in some ways it is, bc he’s being shown care in a way I suspect doesn’t happen often, but also Joe is really just letting himself get steamrolled

I do appreciate his mild level of self-awareness with the “you shouldn’t sleep with someone like me as your first time” thing

Ep. 2

Getting that jealous when you’ve slept with him once and he’s gay is Wild, like you have So many issues richboy

I appreciate that Joe is trying to communicate rationally, unfortunately your bf is a freak, sorry

The shit with Tong is Wild, you need to get over him girl he sucks So bad I hate this bitch

It’s crazy how you’re that jealous about a man you’re ostensibly not dating and “don’t care about”

Making him sleep on the floor in his own damn house and then yelling at him… girl……

Joe please run

Ming has so many issuesss, he can’t fuckin communicate at allllll

It’s nice to humanize him a little in these moments with his sister, he seems to love her a lot, which is nice to see bc based on the first ep you wouldn’t really see that was the case

He’s such a generally unhappy person already

The one person in his corner is the one person he Can’t tell damn… that’s kind of crazy

Oh man Joe is Gone already, I appreciate that he turned Sol down nicely, that does make the fact that Sol is kinda weird later a littler Hm. But not like So bad? We shall see

I wish we had more time to see Why Joe likes Ming so much (prior to him saying he’s in love) but also I get these things happen fast and we have a lot to do

It just seems like his feelings are So strong, otherwise he could let go on round two but… alas

Ming did seem like he was maybe going to apologize, Ming style at least, when he showed up

Cooking dinner is Really cute… making breakfast for my beautiful wife… the kitchen is burning down

The dinner scene is Really sweet, I think it’s a good way to show that they both do like eo

It’s crazy that Ming does still think this is about Tong on some level though, like, girl tf has he done for you

But the way they were laughing;;;;

Ep. 3

Shopping montage, Ming is So bad at not just defaulting to his first reaction to everything ever, which is being a huge bitch about literally everything on earth

Like clearly he doesn’t actually hate all this stuff, but Joe hasn’t learned to read him well enough yet to understand that (which isn’t on Joe, just that like, maybe he could’ve figured that out eventually if it weren’t for the other shit), so Joe just takes his initial reactions at face value (understandably so, he’s a very open person himself and also takes people in general at their word and assumes they are also honest in their reactions)

However, Ming does manage to resolve the apartment thing Fairly okay all things considered, even if it wasn’t entirely bc he’s actually fine living with Joe there (I think he kind of is but won’t fully admit that to himself), negligible points for Ming!

I’ll say this later but I think the show gives you like, some good moments where Ming doesn’t actually suck, which allow you to understand why this is so hard for Joe and also to keep him from becoming like, the devil dfhjgjdf

We’ll see how that progresses in the present, but at least in the past I think they do a solid job with that

I need everyone to stop trying to intrude in Joe’s private life, like leave his ass aloneeeeeee

That dinner did Not go good man rip

Okay Sol is pissing me off a little, idk why so many people keep defending him. Like obviously he’s better than Ming in some ways, but I don’t… love the way he treats Joe, and the fact that he keeps pushing him after Joe Very nicely turned him down… not a huge fan

Can Joe just have like, normal people in his life for once?

I think if they dated it wouldn’t have been like horrible, but I can also see it going poorly. Like imo Sol gives off the vibes of like, getting bored after he gets what he wants but I think I’m overreacting. It mainly just bothers me that he’s so pushy and doesn’t really respect Joe’s boundaries or autonomy. Like, if he tells you it’s his problem and you should let it go then let it go!

Also all the job stuff sucks so badddd Tong is the worstttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

I feel like Ming would have told him more Eventually, but Joe is really worried about pushing him, their relationship probably feels precarious to him a lot of the time, and he doesn’t want to ruin it by upsetting Ming

I think he also wants Ming to tell him stuff himself, based on what we see, it seems like he has some idea that Ming’s family situation is difficult, so I think he wants to give him time to trust him as well

ALAS

If Ming could communicate, we would not be here, but we are :/

Anyways Ming small win about the Christmas stuff, like he is trying a little, he’s not Totally understanding how to be in a relationship, but he has decent moments, the restaurant is way too fancy, but he does actually deal with the watch situation well, good job!

Unfortunately. Tong.

The moment he has with his sister is really sweet. I’m glad there’s someone to tell him that this seems to be good for him. Alas. Tragedy is about to strike.

The mugs is so fucked too…

☹ Joe ☹

Ep. 4

God. It literally couldn’t have gone worse.

Like, I’ll be real, I think if Ming had reacted better, he could have eventually won Joe back

If he’d /listened/, and backed off, and tried to show Joe that he cared about him as a person, not just as a stand-in, I think Joe is forgiving enough, and loved him enough, to make that happen

Unfortunately, it really seems like he’s still kind of unaware of his own feelings on a lot of levels

Like, I think he does think he likes Joe on some level, but he’s unable to untangle that from his feelings for Tong

It’s hard to know how much of his love for Joe is because he’s Joe

ALSO I know I’m not supposed to know this yet, but it’s hard to know how much he actually likes Joe for Joe at all. Like given the whole way he fell in love with him on a very superficial level… Obviously later on I think he does like Joe for who he is, but even though it was never really Tong, that image he had of Joe’s back wasn’t really Joe either y’know?

Anyways, that’s kind of beside the point but I’ve been thinking about it

I know I’ve been pretty charitable to Ming so far but that does end here LMAO

He handles this in literally the worst way possible, like confronting him /at work/?!?!? You’re deranged girl

He’s just so possessive and not used to not having whatever he wants all the time, his rich boy Momence

Like, Joe is /rightfully/ upset, and you’re like “well that’s my personal business” HELLO??? 911???

Ridiculoussssssssss

I hate Tong so bad guys you have no idea, I know it’s far away but I’m sooooooo excited for his downfall

Ming grovelling a little but it’s too lateeeee, or too early, like I said, if you gave it some time maybe

Crazy to be like “oh you’re cheating on me and all you care about is your job” when Joe has literally never lied or hid anything from you… like be SOooooo fr right now

Anyways literally knocking him out AND CHAINING HIM IN A BASEMENT is definitely like, idk how to even phrase this aside from girl what the actual fuck you thought that would get you anywhere????  THIS IS NOT KINNPORSCHE YOU ARE NOT IN THE MAFIA, YOU ARE A NEPO BABY WITH NO JOB AND THAT IS YOUR NORMAL-ASS BOYFRIEND

Joe like sadly seducing him to break out is really depressing, very hard to watch, I’m sorry everything sucks so bad for you I love u

Lets talk about Joe for a second too, I think you can make a case for the fact that he handles the situation a little poorly, but who among us would do better?

Based on his perspective, it’s really hard to tell what of Ming’s affection for him is real, and along with his own extant insecurities, there’s no way he could handle this calmly

Also why should he have to? Regardless of how he feels /now/, Ming did start this entire thing because he was comparing Joe to Tong. End of. Even if they had actually slept together that first night, he was with Joe partially because he was mad at Tong. He hadn’t necessarily made the connection about how similar they looked yet, but he still wasn’t doing it just because he liked Joe.

So like, the only thing I think Joe could have handled better was the acting situation, but he’s having such a miserable time, and trying to regain any sense of dignity and self-respect and this is the only way he can think to do it. If it helps him get back at Ming a little too, I get it y’know?

I don’t really blame him

And as for taking the job, again, what was he supposed to do? He has no support, and he’s obviously not willing to go back to Ming. Those are his only two options since Wut won’t help.

Sidebar I know Wut can’t do much, but to not give him any advice other than “if you do the only thing you can think of to do in this situation I’ll abandon you” ………….. wtf dude. I feel like he’s trying to scare him off it, but you can see how bad of a state he’s in right now… ANYWAYS, not thrilled with Wut

Anyways this show is such a tragedy, you can see all the points where each character could have gone a slightly different way and maybe it would’ve been better, but they didn’t, and now they’re here ☹

Joe’s death is also like, so horrifying btw, literally one of my worst nightmares

Anyways back to the present we goooo

[feralkwe]

I- 4; II- 5; III- 12

8D well then let's go shall we? lucky you, you get kit/elidibus. feel free to ignore any links. they're only there if anyone feels like having the context.

I - 4: did either of them try to resist their feelings?

they both did! out of a sense of obligation to their respective duties.

obviously kit went to elpis for pandaemonium with all the knowledge of the future and was understandably wary of elidibus. he was not what she expected, to say the least, even if she saw many parallels between him and the ascian she knew. his words to her before sos in shb finally made sense, as much as she did not want to believe them. but she was in a closed relationship back in the present, and knew that this affair was only ever going to end one way, so she resisted. that willpower quickly crumbled in the face of how enchanted they were with one another, and she did a lot of mental gymnastics to rationalize pursuing it.

without the context of the future, elidibus himself made... let's say a good college try of not acting on his quickly developing crush. he also knew it was only going to end in heartache. all the logic and reason at his disposal was not enough.

they were both aware of the consequences, but it did not stop them.

II - 5: what is their height difference? age difference? do either matter to them?

lmao kit is a full height female viera. elidibus is... not.

sometimes you're a gorgeous six foot two bun and you see a cute lil twink and ask "should i hit that?" and don't wait for an answer.

kit's actual age is young enough to get me canceled in some corners of the internet for her relationship with thancred and urianger, and the actual number is between me and my bun. that said, elidibus is noted to be young comparative to his peers, and i put them about the same relative age, given the near immortality of the ancients. both of them old enough to know better, but young enough to be inexperienced in love and any common sense regarding it.

i don't feel like either of these things matter to them. it sure didn't dissuade them in any part of their brief time together.

III - 12: who remembers the little things?

the thing about this ship that dug its claws into me and really keeps me in a choke hold is... neither. i'm a monster. i am absolutely feral over the fact that save that whirlwind affair between them, neither of them remembers at the same time. when he remembers, it hasn't actually happened yet in her life. When she finally knows, none of their tangled time as foes has happened to him yet. their knowledge of being in love marches off in separate directions. god i need to chew on something. get me a kong full of peanut butter, please.

however, after he returned to the aetherial sea, kit made it her duty to remember everything they had, good and bad, however short their joy was. she considers it part of the responsibility with which emet-selch charged her.

thanks so much for the ask! i know i promised you a full accounting of my shipping woes, so consider this installment the first!

ship meme here.

[angeart]

And 29!

--from ao3 wrapped [writers edition]

29: Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

this is a very interesting question! and also very difficult, given the amount of things i've written in combination with my bad memory. so of course i went and dug through things, overthinking this, even though, really, i know exactly what to answer. still, let me take the long route. (because i'm an idiot and there's no other way.)

so first i'll ramble about things i like.

starting with the phrase that always makes me weak, and i don't think i use it enough, but characters just dissipating into giggles—that exact wording. like. c'mon. that. whenever i get to use it, i'm so happy. it's such a lack of control and overflow of joy. the best thing ever.

but if we move into specific passages... (i go on a bit of a tangent, so the rest is under the line-) (dancing scene at the end there and a bit of a hmtb spoiler/sneakpeek/preview for you guys)

i looked over the cursed forest au fic (even with death haunting your footsteps, your flowers will bloom again), looking for pretty sentences, and the problem is, that fic is full of pretty sentences. (i honestly don't know how i did that, but it does make me happy.) something about words like the warzone of his good intentions, you know? (i had more. i'm trying to be concise.) (i promise.)

but really, there's one phrase in that fic that i do think about sometimes still. so it needs to be mentioned. here:

It still hurts, to be treated so gently, but unlike everything else, it hurts in a way he thinks he might be able to survive.

------

i also want to bring up a sentence from Elegy that lives in my head rent-free (this is from chapter 3, which i'm aware is unreleased as of now, but shh):

The grief is a guillotine, and he’s bending forward, hair falling away from his neck, baring skin and bracing for impact.

there's just something about that that refuses to let me go.

------

but! i also enjoyed writing happy things. (shocking)

especially this passage from these flowers will wither (like you and me), but they're not dead yet was very fun to write:

-

Grian grins at him, something bright and cheeky. “Do you want to try that again?”

There’s a pause when Scar attempts to recalibrate. (He fails.) (He absolutely fails.) 

He tries to grab something rational in him, tries to tell himself that Grian means dancing. But his traitorous heart supplies a wholly different answer to him. 

Scar pushes himself up and, with fingers sliding along Grian’s jaw, he presses his lips to Grian’s.

(They’re warm. They’re chapped. They’re Grian Grian Grian Grian.)

He feels the vibration of Grian’s laughter against him before he really registers the sound.

“That’s not what I meant,” Grian scolds, but there’s no bite in it; he sounds entirely too pleased and amused, even as he piles a handful of sand on top of Scar’s head in playful revenge.

------

and this honestly now brings me to hmtb. which is where we anchor.

believe it or not, there is a happy scene that i can't stop thinking about (just the sheer power of it, across all the pain and messes and saddness—scar making grian laugh like this.)

------ hmtb chapter 49:

Scar looks at him innocently and presents his question: “What is a romp, Impulse?”

Grian bursts out laughing.

A big, toothy grin spreads across Scar’s face at the sound.

Impulse’s eyes briefly flit to Mumbo and he feels his face get hot. “I— What— That’s not fair!” he whines. “That’s not a truth, that’s a, Scar, I’m not a dictionary!”

At that, Grian laughs harder, bending over. His giggles tip over proper cackling, a bit breathless around the edges, and Scar thinks it’s the most wonderful sound in the whole world.

------ and of course this moment from chapter 47:

Neither of them can help it; their lips treacherously stretch into smiles where they’re pressed against each other, before they both helplessly dissipate into giggles, feeling lightheaded and high. 

“What are we doing,” Grian huffs out through his laughter.

“Kissing,” Scar replies cheerfully and demonstratingly places three kisses along Grian’s jaw.

It’s the best thing in the world.

------

bet you didn't expect me to pull out the happy scenes out of this mess of a fic. ha.

but also! one the things i really like and enjoy is throwing anything to do with explosives, tnt, fire, etc, at scar and grian. like this:

Skin tingling and heart feeling like TNT on the verge of explosion, Scar moves to follow him, blindly, willingly, the way he’d follow him anywhere.

and this:

Watching him, Scar laughs quietly. He thinks of the sound the flint and steel makes, of the little click, of the hiss of TNT as it readies itself to cause damage. It sounds like his heart feels. He thinks of sparks that catch on leaves and grass and bark, a tree going up in flames, the catastrophic heat spreading violently to anything it touches, and he wonders if that is how Grian’s heart feels.  

------

now, since i'm already rambly. there is one bit of hmtb i keep thinking back to constantly. and it's a particular conversation from chapter 21 (the talk in the middle of a crisis). this bit in particular:

 “He wasn’t afraid then. He knew you could kill him, but he wasn’t scared. And you know what, Grian? You didn’t kill him,” he finishes softly. 

“I… didn’t kill him?” Grian repeats, dazed and wobbly. 

“He wasn’t scared, and you didn’t kill him”

(you guys should keep this in mind too. it might get a callout sometime, uhhhhh, around chapter 100 or so at this rate—)

(don't worry about that, ofc.)

and now for the real answer. (wow.)

because here's the thing. you're asking what's my favourite passage. and really, i love all those other things too, but there's one particular bit of writing that hits closer than any other.

the dancing bits.

the heartachy, complicated, painful dancing bits.

and yes, this ties to the whole fic i wrote about them dancing in the desert, but listen. the purely-hmtb bits? those? those. okay?

here we go:

------ hmtb chapter 37: call of the desert

Scar sighs a little and says: “I miss it.”

“Scar,” Grian’s voice is absolutely unsteady.

They haven’t really talked about the desert, not since it was over.

Nobody ever talks about life games, if they can avoid it.

But now Grian sits here and he has to forcefully remind himself that the skin over his knuckles isn’t torn raw and that Scar’s blood isn’t coating his hands and he has to accept that Scar misses the desert and Grian also misses it, in a way, and it’s all so dizzying, it makes him lightheaded.

“We used to dance,” Scar says thoughtfully. “Why don’t we do it anymore?”

“I forgot how,” Grian barely manages to get out. He didn’t forget. In fact, he remembers every step Scar taught him. He remembers them stumbling together into a fall, a small giggling heap on top of the warm sand, limbs tangled. He remembers the moment when Scar grinned wildly at him, joy bright in his eyes, as they completed a couple of steps without a hitch for the first time. He remembers how they laughed and danced, giddy and high on life in a world that promised nothing but death.

He doesn’t want to remember. It hurts his heart.

“I can teach you again,” Scar suggests softly.

The pain in Grian’s heart just gets worse.

Scar reaches for Grian’s hand, then. Even if they’re both sitting on Grian’s bed and they can’t dance like this, he still slides his fingers underneath Grian’s palm and brings it up, in exactly the same way he held it when they danced. With curved lips, he hums a melody.

Grian looks at him, absolutely wretched. His hand twitches in Scar’s grasp, but he doesn’t pull it away. “Scar,” he half-whispers, in a miserable tone. He meant to say stop, but he can’t bring himself to. So he just pleads, using Scar’s name itself, hoping the other man will get it.

Scar studies Grian for a second, before he lowers their hands. He huffs out a small laugh. “It’s okay. We can leave it for some other time.”

Grian purses his lips. He doesn’t say there won’t be another time. He doesn’t say he doesn’t want this. He doesn’t say that something in him desperately wants this, actually, please Scar please.

------

but, you know what. it isn't over.

this answer has been long enough. i know. i know. (i appreciate and love everyone who bothered to read this far <3 ) but. but there's more.

there is more, and it's so closely related, these scenes are entwined and live snugly side-by-side in my heart. but. here's the thing.

this next bit is 1,2k long, and it's from a chapter that, as of now, hasn't been released yet. for the curious, greedy, hungry souls (love you all to bits), here it is:

------ hmtb chapter [unspecified]

Scar blinks and recalibrates under the scrutiny. His eyes dart to the jukebox and he lets a smile spread across his lips, as he reaches out a hand to Grian. “Hey, G, you wanna dance?”

Grian��s eyes widen a fraction, thrown off by the abrupt suggestion. “I’m… not sure,” he manages to say, eyes dropping to Scar’s invitingly outstretched hand, palm-up and ready for him. 

His emotions wrangle in him—a need to be close, to give in, to accept everything Scar’s giving him, pushed violently against the sharp memories of sand and desert, something happy tiding over into blood and pain and misery.

He flexes his fingers, pulls them into a fist and then stretches them out, trying to unknot the tension and release the slight tremble that courses through them. His throat feels dry, all of a sudden.

“It’s okay,” Scar says in the softest tone that never fails to tug at Grian’s heart. “I can lead.”

The music turns mildly cacophonic, askew and sick. It buzzes and pitches and tilts, in a way music isn’t supposed to be able to. And Grian realises that he’s told Scar before that he forgot how to dance. 

Scar taught him all the steps, back in the desert. A lot of hours spent in the stifling air upon sun-warmed evening sand, stumbling and laughing and holding onto each other. Their skin was more tanned then. Their eyes were brighter, their souls wilder. They felt unstoppable.

Grian feels anything but right now.

He doesn’t know if he can take it.

But Scar’s reaching out to him and Grian finds that he cannot turn away from it, his body shackled and chained, unable to resist. And so even if everything in him screams no, he still finds himself reaching back, meeting Scar’s hands with his own trembling fingers, trepidation sinking its teeth into him.

Scar’s smile brightens and oh, maybe it’s not trepidation that Grian feels.

He feels Scar’s fingers take hold of his hand, secure and warm; they pull at him, but not in a destabilising way. It’s the opposite: they tell Grian exactly where to be. Scar’s other arm finds Grian torso and seamlessly slides across to his back, sending shivers down Grian’s spine; his wings stretch out and shudder, before they fall back, feathers lightly brushing over Scar’s skin.

Everything about this is electrifying, and it’s driving Grian haywire. 

He thinks maybe he needs to stop thinking. Maybe he needs to give in to the part of him that wants to let Scar have control of the two of them now; the part of him that wants to trust and believe that he’s safe; the part of him that craves affection with ugly, hungry desperation. 

Scar leans closer and with a rumbling baritone wrapped in velvet, he checks: “Ready?”

Running on nothing but instinct, Grian squeezes at Scar’s hand.

With a low chuckle, Scar lets go of Grian’s back and Grian almost gasps at the abrupt loss—but all Scar does is guide Grian’s free hand to his waist. “Like this,” he murmurs, his voice just a step away from purring, and then his hand slots back against Grian’s spine.

A trembling breath leaves Grian’s lips and he dips his head, leaning forwards, inching closer to Scar. He feels the response in the way Scar’s touch on his back turns firm, accepting the new closeness with reverent neediness. He can’t see Scar’s face, but he can tell Scar’s lips are curved in a smile, cheeks slightly dimpling.

He almost wishes to look, but he can’t, he can’t, it’s too much. 

He takes a deep breath though his nose. The air isn’t dry and hot. The ground doesn’t shift underneath his feet.

It hasn’t shifted underneath his feet in ages, but right now in this very moment, a part of Grian distantly thinks that it should. That if they’re going to dance, it should be atop a mountain, feet sinking into sand.

They’re standing on carpeted floor, and the music disc is one they didn’t have in the desert, the sounds of it wrapping around them in a rhythm completely discordant to the fast beating of Grian’s heart. 

With gentle and deliberate move, Scar directs them to sway. Their feet shift, steady on the solid floor, something learned and simple. Scar leads them in careful, basic steps, the ones he used at the very beginning to teach Grian. Back when even that was too much, and Grian kept stepping on his feet, and Scar kept catching him.

Scar doesn’t need to catch Grian now, because Grian knows these steps. They’re imbued in his muscle memory, something sunken and anchored, a part of his soul that’s reserved for things that feel like home.

Testingly, Scar throws in something more complex. He pulls Grian along, turning them in circles, every step confident and filled with joy. The music is the background rhythm, but they’re both locked somewhere else, in a fragment of a memory—something that used to be; something that Scar believes could be again.

With a curve to his lips, Scar hums and remarks: “You said you don’t remember.”

Grian’s breath hitches and it’s only now that he lifts his head to meet Scar’s gaze. Despite that, his feet do not stumble; he doesn’t need to watch where he steps, he knows it all by heart. His gaze anchors in green eyes and something rises within him so tidally and overwhelmingly that he feels hot wetness blur his vision all of a sudden. “How could I forget?” he manages past the lump in his throat.

Scar gently lets go of Grian’s hand and instead reaches to touch Grian’s jaw, brushing his thumb soothingly over Grian’s cheek as he takes in the raw, ravaging emotion in Grian’s eyes. 

Grian moves his suddenly free arm around Scar, fingers finding purchase in the fabric of Scar’s shirt, digging into it until he has a firm grip. His lungs spasm in his chest, his heart stutters, his wings droop then lift and spread. A loose feather drops to the floor and Scar sidesteps it expertly, as if it was somehow too precious to damage. 

“You remember,” Scar murmurs, an odd inflection to his voice. 

Grian’s skin buzzes where Scar touches it; a tingling, warm sensation spreads from Scar’s fingertips and robs Grian of breath. “Of course,” he murmurs, quiet, destabilised. 

Scar’s eyes crinkle in joy, lips spreading into a bright, toothy smile that ends in dimpled skin as he looks at Grian. He makes no attempt to call out Grian’s earlier lie; he seems content in knowing that this is the truth, warm and alive underneath his fingers, guided by his steps. “Oh, I wouldn’t mind teaching you again, but this makes me so happy!” he admits openly, fractionally heightening their tempo as he leads them in spinning circles, everything in him attuned to the music even as it becomes nothing more than a background noise.

Grian isn’t ready for those words. Nor for the way Scar looks at him.

He feels like he’s drowning, and Scar’s both his sea and his oxygen.

Scar starts humming in tune, the happy expression lingering on his face, and it’s only then that the discordant rhythm of the song disentangles and starts making sense to Grian. It’s only the reverb of Scar’s voice that puts coherency into Grian’s existence; into their steps across the carpet that doesn’t give underneath their weight; into the way the room sways around them, full of warm shadows and flickering flames and muted colours not quite matching sand.

[shiguangism]

Presentation

Hi, I'm anchestral and I'm mainly a fan writer who landed here on tumblr after years of being active on twitter!

Some info about me:

Pronouns: she/her

Age: 22

Languages: Italian, English and Spanish

Fandoms I'm active in: Link Click, Chainsaw man

Favourite shows: Link Click, Chainsaw man, Jojo's bizarre adventure, Tokyo Ghoul, Haikyuu, Berserk, and many others I won't list here. Just fyi, name me a show and probably I've watched it.

I've moved here because twitter was not a comfortable place for me anymore, and I've seen that tumblr is much more chill wrt those lands. Please, be aware that I will NOT engage in any kind of arguing online, so don't even bother to pick a fight with me, I've had very BAD experiences I don't want to repeat.

I'm here just to chill, talk to people about my favourite show, share insights and maybe make some friends. I'm very friendly, if you want to hit me up in the dm to talk about something, I'll answer very gladly whenever I cant! :)

If you're shy you can send me anon, I'll be very happy to answer.

Fanfictions:

In this year I've been writing a lot, I've always liked writing and I started when I was only 14. However, I'm a bit slow because I like to write first in my native language and then translate in English. Below, there is a list of my fanfic profiles and the works I like the most and I'm writing. This are my profiles for AO3 and EFP (Italian platform for fics):

AO3: Anchestral

EFP: Anchestral

Link Click Fanfictions:

Immersion: In which Cheng Xiaoshi goes back into the past to save Lu Guang

Summary: ‘Three are the rules we need to respect: first, we have twelve hours; second, listen to my instructions and don't change anything; third, leave to the past what's in the past and don't ask about the future.' Cheng Xiaoshi knew them well, Lu Guang told him those rules everytime before working. By then, he learned not to question them, they didn't know what could happen playing with the past and modifying it. But did the rules still make any sense if Lu Guang was dead?

Prevision: In which Lu Guang goes back into the past to save Cheng Xiaoshi

Summary: Lu Guang did not make mistakes, he always evaluated all the possibilities in front of him rationally, it was what he had to do to allow the survival of both of them, to allow their time travels to go as smooth as possible, but letting himself be dragged into Cheng Xiaoshi's do-gooder madness had been the first big mistake of a long chain. September 12th 2020 was the day when that realization hit him like a sucker punch straight in the center of his chest, leaving him on the floor gasping for air, in pain.

These two fics are actually related!

火锅 - Hotpot (E-Rated): Just a collection of nsfw one-shots, but it is getting serious. For now, there is only one chapter out, but I'm working on the second and it is becoming huge.

There are many ways to spice up a relationship: may it be a hot bowl of noodles, a dark room with way too red lights, or a bet on who's going to wash the dishes for the rest of the month... The possibilities are endless when starved eyes are looking at you as if they're going to devour you any time soon, leaving you feeling naked and in trembles. ----- 5 times Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang have steamy, hot sex + 1 time they can't. (the formula may be subjected to changes)

Chainsaw Man Fanfictions:

Dancin' in the devil's hand (E-rated):

Summary: The metropolis of Tokyo is torn apart by a series of unexplained, brutal murders, but all of them seem to be connected by a single thread. In this climate of terror, Aki Hayakawa has been given the onerous task of bringing light and a point to this story. --- An unexplainable mystery to solve that will lead Aki and Angel to work together, closer than ever, and maybe will give them the chance to understand something more about themselves and each other...

There are also many other one-shots, most of them are in Italian, thought, and I'm not particularly fond of the other translated because I was still trying to adjust my writing again!

I think I've said everything. I'm sorry if I make some mistakes, I'm very new to this site and I'm still trying to understand how the netiquette works, especially the one tied to the reblogs and the tags.

See you around! :3

[nightswithkookmin]

The only person I trust to spit facts unapologetically besides myself is my ex best friend. Are you her?

I have nothing to say to this other than FACTS.

Spot on.

APT DESCRIPTION OF THE SITUATION

My exact sentiment

He likes to stir the spot, and add some shit

He's basically me on Crack honestly

He trolls, he taunts, he antagonises, he will pull your leg till you fall and then keep pulling🤧

And if you understand this about him then you can't take him seriously at all😩😩😩

I don't think he takes himself seriously he's so goofy😫

When it comes to him ,JM and their "obsession" with Kook it can get a bit 🥴🥴🥴🥴

I always say they both often come across as wanting and seeking validation from JK. Which I'm sure they are both aware of but don't care.

If you are a JK solo Stan then you might have a problem with both of them bcos of this. Especially when all that seemly unwanted attention makes Jk appear more closed off than he actually is.

Most people i know who hate Jungkook say they hate him because they see him as often being rude towards Jimin or Tae or whomever.

People want him to be more open and receptive towards their biases and that creates problems for him when he's subjected to such intense and sometimes unwanted attention.

I'm not a fan of either Jimin or Tae imposing themselves on Jungkook. They might think they doing it out of love, to show their affection or to stroke Jk's ego or whatever but it doesn't make Jk look good out here. Matter fact, it cast him in a bad light and amplifies his "negative" traits. Not cute.

Personally, I like to think it's their own way of showing love and support for Jungkook. Its the only way I can rationalize it. If you've ever been the quiet one among a trio, you recognize some of these friendship behavioral patterns:

The louder outgoing ones are constantly egging the quiets one on, encouraging them to be active, to participate in things, losen up, relax, have fun etc.

And that's just the problem with extroverts. They always think they're helping 😐

One time I let this person bulldoze me into thinking I could belt at church- I cried in front of everybody and became a meme. To this day I don't go talking to that person.

Sometimes when a person tell you they can't do shit believe them. Don't go playing Barbara the builder trying to get them out their comfort zone and making them a fool in front of everybody😐

When you listen to Tae talk about his dynamic with JK it's obvious that's how he sees Jungkook. Which is why he pushes his boundaries often- pushing him to take off his pants to shower together, posting their Tae Kook selca when JK cropped himself out. He thinks he's helping but SIRE BOUNDARIES!

Jimin is like that too as you rightfully said.

The difference is Jimin seems to know and understand the limits and if he recognizes he's pushing too far he stops. In my opinion of course. I could be wrong and Jungkook may not see him in that way at all.

Frankly, I cringe at their earlier dynamic too 😬

Jokers like to romanticize it but damn is it hard to watch. I have selective amnesia when it comes to that part of their history 😓

And I understand, it's important to take Jungkook's perspective into consideration when discussing these topics.

We might be rallying up to free him from Vmin but for all we know HE LIKES THAT SHIT💀

He comes across as the type who would let shit fly as long as he's enjoying it. The moment he doesn't enjoy it he puts up a stop sign.

I think this is what Tae probably doesn't or didn't seem to understand about JK. He takes his no for a yes and go a little bit extra each time thinking he likes it.

But it's not everyone who feels comfortable insisting on boundaries. Some people hesitate to say no out of politeness, some wanna let you down easy- I've learned the hard way. These days I'll kick you in the throat and narruto run into your guts if you fail to register a no.

Jimin goes: I feel awkward I need to film with Jk

Tae goes, well I'm feeling awkward too lemme get JK.

Speaking from a delulu standpoint point, I like to think some times these are just ploys and tactics they use as excuse to film content with Jungkook. Which raises the question, who in hybe is preventing them from freely filming content with eachother and why do they feel a need to monitor them while they film live?

Tinfoil hats people. Tinfoil hats.

Out of all BTS members Tae could have had issues with, he names Jungkook and decides they have dirty laundry to air out in Soop.

Then Jimin is given an opportunity to ask any member in BTS a question and he chooses the most obvious pick- JK.

See this is why I don't get shippers who like Jikook but can't stand Tuktuk or vice versa😩

If you like Jimin it should be very easy to like Tae and if you like Jikook then liking Tuktuk is easy 💀💀💀

They both have JK in common

It goes without saying then that if you like JK then liking Vmin should be so easy too🥴

Is the friend of my friend principle.

Yet tuktukkers can't stand Jikook because then they have to face the reality that what Tuktuk have is not so special afterall😫😫😫😫😫😫

I can say same for Jikook but we both know there's that silently loud question mark around Jikook that no one seem to want to answer or can answer- not even them 💀

I like to remind people Jikook is just a ship like Tuktuk- that's until you clock the difference then jikook is right about alting that ship💀

So I like your honesty. If the Fandom thinks Jimin clinging to Kook is cringe then it's only fair to say Tae is cringe too if he does the same. Real discrimination is when we think it's cute when Jimin does it but it's a problem if Tae does it and vice versa.

And for sure, there's a marketing element to this. Ships are highly commercialized. I keep saying jikook is a brand. The rhetorics around their ship is positive. They are not the chaotic duo that team up for mischief. Or the always fighting duo of the group. They are more or less a love story in the literal sense. They have numbers and engagement and purchasing power to sell out almost anything because people like their friendship.

Then there's the concept of feeding ships.

I think by now they all know what constitutes feeding ships. Tae saw a run episode and pointed out "I think Army would love this." And it was a moment of him kissing Jin👁👄👁

Do I think when he name drops Jk like this he is doing it to feed a ship?????????

I don't know... cos then I would have to assume when he name drops Jimin he is feeding a ship and that just conflicts with my Vmin lesbian agenda 🤧

And I must confess, I've been feeling kinda salty he is not posting about Jin like Jimin😒

(Putting this in the universe because the last time I complained about him not posting Jimin he went and posted a vmin IG. Universe hear my prayer and quench my taejin thirst🕯)

No. Seriously, Jimin is the only person showing Jin love since he left😒

I'm snitching on every single one of them when Jin comes back. It's the kajafeluv for me.

I don't know. I think it's healthy for them to be engaging eachother on social media as organically as possible. And although I wish he was name dropping certain people more or as equally as or along side Jungkook, I also don't think they should interact with all just to interact with one.

Whether we like it or not tuktukkers are his primary fan base. Just as jokers are Jimins. In wake of their solo careers, it's only reasonable they establish these fanbases firmly.

I mean.....

it's not as if jokers are lining up to support him🤷🏾

Let's be fucking for real😩

He shares a fan base more with Jk than Jimin or any other member. Although they all have Army in common too. But he's a smart guy. Surely he knows what's up with the Fandom.

He made that clear from the get-go. Since their solo was announced he's been aligning himself more with Jk and tuktukkers. It's cool tho. I'm still gone ship him with Jimin with my full chest and occasionally Jin after I snitch on him and Jin kicks his ass for me🙂

At the end of the day all he has is his tuktukkers and solos better treat them right, build them a fools paradise and watch them build conjure castles in the air like a supervillian.

Tuktukkers can read whatever meaning they want into this mi nuh care. THEIR SHIP AIN'T REAL🤣

[aristocratic-otter]

I'm determined to post this week, it feels like it's been so long since I did a WIP Wednesday! I've got lots of words to share, so many thanks to @larkral, @letraspal, @rimeswithpurple, @artsyunderstudy, @wellbelesbian, @confused-bi-queer, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, and @j-nipper-95 for the couple of weeks worth of tags!

With no further ado, the fics:

From Saving Simon Snow:

I wonder briefly if the fall might have shaken some sense into her. I push that thought away. It doesn’t matter. She needs to be contained, for Simon’s safety. And so I can get some fucking clothes on.

I fire off spells, one right after another. “Cat Got Your Tongue” prevents her from speaking any spells she may have at the ready without a wand, and “All Tied Up” pins her arms at her sides so that she can’t cast fire at us (which, like my mother and I, she can do wordlessly). Finally, “Out of Sight, Out of Mind” sends her immobilised body careening out the door of our bedroom and around the corner. 

She’ll make me pay for the indignity of being gagged, trussed up and shoved out of sight, but I can’t care right now. 

From my Simon as a TikTok dancer fic:

Discovering YouTube and the world wide web cracked my world wide open. I spent hours every night learning the moves of various hip hop artists from my tiny screen. When I ran out of hip hop moves to try, I followed a breadcrumb trail of comments and recommendations to find other dancers in other styles (and learning human idiom and slang along the way). There’s so much to learn, I’ll never be done, I don’t think. Which is brilliant, because I want to do this forever. 

Then, after spending all night dancing, I’d spend all morning charging my phone at McDonalds. During that time, I’d spend the cash I’d starting earning from performing on the pier on piles of hamburgers, fries, shakes and pies. And while I chewed my way through mounds of food, I’d skim the net for more ideas, more dances to learn. 

From my CORB, The Heart In The Well

“Don’t move!”

“I’m trying, Snow! You’re not exactly a featherweight!”

My knees wobble and threaten to give out as I stand, balanced on Baz’s shoulders. I want to snipe that he’s got vampire strength so my twelve stones of body weight should feel like feathers to him. But I’m well aware of how he’d react to that remark, and I really don’t want to fall over six feet to the ground. 

From To Heal a Broken Mind (finished! Off to the beta, you should start seeing chapters soon!)

Simon

Baz’s eyes fall shut and he gasps, in relief I think. I watch his face. My thoughts aren’t really clear yet, but I don’t think that’s because of brain damage. I think I’ve just not completely shrugged off the effects of the anaesthesia. 

So, I’ve had my brain cut apart and come through the other side. And Baz is still here, and still loves me. He called me darling. There’s just one question left unanswered, and the open fear I saw on Baz’s face when I woke is the opposite of reassuring. Is he frightened because the news is bad? Or for some other reason?

From Stars, Flowers, and Children:

“What is it?” I ask him, when he takes the thing from me and turns it over in his hands. 

“‘Tis a stereoscope,” he says gruffly. “A picture viewer,” he explains, when I look at him blankly. “Were there cards with it?”

I pull a double handful of paper cards out of the handkerchief and pass them over to Davy. He flips through them swiftly. His eyes open wide at what he sees on several, and, in the end, he shuffles out a majority of the cards and stuffs them in his pocket. “Sinful shite,” he mutters, when I question him. “Not fit for young ‘uns to see.” 

And from Snow Fox (next chapter posting soon!):

I stand up and close my eyes at the popping sounds coming from my spine when I do. I’m too damn young for my body to be betraying me like this. But months of short rations and sleep on hard ground have left me feeling like an old man at times. I shake the stiffness out of my muscles and begin to pace. 

“The only known supply of salt and quinine are with the British,” I say, thinking aloud. “They’ve doubled their guard since our last raid, and I doubt we’d be able to sneak someone in, with half the camp down with illness.”

Penny stands and watches me, wringing her hands in front of her stomach. “I know you don’t want to put him in danger, but—”

I raise a hand to cut her off. Then I sigh. “I know. Baz may be the only person who’s got a chance of sweet talking the supplies we need from Tarleton. Fuck. I didn’t want to pull him in deeper…”

I'll tag a few folks for Sunday. I'd love to see what y'all are doing! @alexalexinii, @alleycat0306, @asocialpessimist, @bazzybelle, @bookish-bogwitch, @ic3-que3n, @carryonsimoncarryonbaz, @dragoneggos, @erzbethluna, @ionlydrinkhotwater, @hushed-chorus, @fatalfangirl, @facewithoutheart, @gekkoinapeartree, @ivelovedhimthroughworse, @ileadacharmedlife, @jbrrring, @jasonfunderberkerthefrogexists, @krisrix, @messofthejess, @moments-au-crayon22, @moodandmist, @frjsti, @nightimedreamersghost, @onepintobean, @prettylightsbigcity, @raenestee, @theearlgreymage, @tea-brigade, @technetiumai, @thehoneyedhufflepuff, @upuntil6am, @vampire-named-gampire, @whatevertheweather, and @yellobb-old

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

The whole "culturally Xtian" debate is going around again and I've so far been staying out of it, because I feel like I've said most everything I have to say about it, BUT. I now have additional thoughts and can no longer help myself.

To recap earlier posts of mine:

I still think it would help The Disc Horse to focus on describing behavior rather than assigning immutable traits to people on the internet you almost certainly don't know.

Therefore I don't think we need a *new* term so much as some minor grammatical modifications.

Namely: Collectively, a group, a society, an idea, a behavior, etc. can certainly be culturally Xtian. Individually, a person can be engaging in a culturally Xtian behavior or arguing a culturally Xtian idea. If you really must describe the whole person's culture, making it a verb indicates better the lack of choice: i.e. - "from a christianized culture." Obviously if someone identifies themselves as culturally Xtian, that's a totally separate and fine thing.

I still think the baseline problem here is unexamined Xtian antisemitism repackaged as "secularism" or "rationalism."

I feel like nearly every post I've seen about this has treated the term like it's clearly defined and obvious, and then proceeded to define it in an interesting and unique way. It's amorphous and ubiquitous enough that it almost seems to have taken on the "obscenity" problem: How do you define obscenity? You'll know it when you see it.

This is actually completely fine, so long as people are aware of and honest about that factor. Which does mean that there needs to be some nuance in how it does or does not apply to any given person at any given time.

It's also really important to ask "whose Xtianity?" and not treat a global religion with 2.6 billion adherents (and a truly dizzying number of denominations) as a hivemind. There are certainly general Xtian theological ideas that bleed out into the societies they exist in, but let's be honest about how truly weird American neo-Puritanism/late Calvinism is, too.

However, some stray comments/questions that I think are new and I'm interested if people have thoughts/answers:

I think the mixed message that's going out is that yeah - culturally Xtian people are always culturally Xtian and that is a theoretically neutral identity, but it's usually only relevant and therefore only being brought up when that background happens to be causing them to further the oppression of religious minorities, namely, antisemitism. So the overall perception from the people on the receiving end of it is that this is a Bad thing because they only associate it with being called out for antisemitic ideas. It's not *just* the trauma they individually may have, but also the context in which they're hearing about it. I think if it had first gained traction in the context of people identifying additional ways to deconvert by deconstructing these Xtian hegemonic ideas, we'd be having a totally different conversation here.

I saw a post about how Xtianity views itself as modular and completely distinct from culture in a way that few, if any, other religions do. I mostly agree, but I do think that's specifically because I'm Jewish. I think viewing culture and religion as inseparably intertwined is very specifically an ethnoreligious viewpoint that others the mainstream hegemonic Xtian view of "religion" as modular. And I suspect that is at least part of why it has gotten such a negative reaction.

There have been lots of comments about how Xtian secularism is still culturally Xtian (with France as one very clear-cut example); however, I would be extremely interested in seeing how this stacks up to, say, Chinese secularism that is of course not culturally Xtian. I definitely don't know anywhere close to enough to comment; just, that if we're going to make claims about Xtianity's arbitrary bifurcation of what is "religious" versus what is "cultural," we need a counter-example of intentional, large-scale non-Xtian secularism. I know literally just enough about the Cultural Revolution to know that it would be extremely interesting to learn from someone who did know what they were talking about to see how those divide lines compare to the divide lines in culturally Xtian societies. I'd also be interested in other examples as well; that's just the primary one I thought of.

And just to really make sure I beat on every hornets' nest because I apparently love headaches: Are we gonna talk about the cultural Xtianity within American Jewish communities? I bring this up specifically because if we are going to go hard on keeping out forms of cultural Xtianity from outsiders, it would behoove us to understand what we are protecting and make sure we've addressed the calls coming from inside the house. How do we talk about it respectfully when fellow Jews are exhibiting these same ideas and behaviors? Can that analysis also be applied out to others? Should it be?

I think it would also be fascinating (albeit a much larger discussion) to consider whether, if what we consider culture, religion, and/or societal ethics to be so interconnected as to be functionally different aspects of the same concept, then is a secular society even possible? Is individual secularity? Or is it simply a continuum of individuals' ritual observance, faith, and spirituality? Because the answers to those questions have some significant ramifications on this whole conversation.

[poutyniall]

How are you doing, apu?

I hope good...

Tesoro 💜 how are you? How life is treating you? Tell me something nice that happened to you recently.

Well, regarding Yoongi, ehm, I'm feeling a bit bittersweet, if it makes any sense. I mean, I was happy to see him (he looked sooo healthy and fine as always!) yesterday during the live and I'm so glad to know he's been resting and eating well and spending time with people who love him. He also got a haircut and I do not like that, no no. But he's still cute as hell tho. From what I understood, but take it with a pinch of salt 'cause I'm stupid and I'm probably wrong, he's going to do social service - I'm assuming due to his shoulder - which means he'll be able to go back home at the end of the day, sleep in his comfy bed, be in his house, work on music if he feels like it, see his friends and family a little bit more often. Also, if I remember correctly, in one of suchwita episodes, he said he wanted to experience a 9-5 job and that's another good point in his favor. The service time has also been reduced to 21 months, I think. But again, I could be wrong, I don't know. But yeah, I'm happy for him but I'm sad for me 'cause it hurts. In an extremely selfish way, I don't want him to go. And listen, I'm well aware that, practically, nothing will change in my life because Min Yoongi, flesh and bones, is not part of my daily, real life but. But. Still. Just the mere thought of him leaving... it hurts and I cannot tell why, I don't know the rational reason but I do know that the feeling is there. And it's pretty real. I'm really trying not to think about it 'cause 2025 will come, eventually. He's gonna come back to us. He promised.

About everything else, I'm a fucking mess. I went to the gynecologist 'cause my period is so bad I can't leave the house the first two days and she said I can't take the pill due my migraines which means I need to try the cup. Now, I bought the cup and period'll come within days but I'm scared. I'm fucking terrified. I believe I'll cry. About the bookstore, I've been doing researches, I've asked around (basically I annoyed the shit out of my poor cousin) and having it in a mall is a big no for two reasons: it's a much higher investment, obviously, and I should do it with some franchise BUT, in that case, I'll feel trapped, creatively speaking, because with them every store has to be the same and there isn't much you can do. But I have a different project (like, I've already thought about the name, I have 3, and I can already picture myself with brushes and paint and tools renovating the place.. I mean it, I can actually see myself doing it). I want a reading corner with pillows and blankets and I want to offer tea and cookies and pastries and I want to include second/third hand books so they can keep on living instead of collecting dust on a shelf. The first step is to find a place and rent it or buy it, I don't know. I know nothing, everything is new, big and scary and I wish my father would tell me 'hey, I know it's scary, it'll be challenging and still it may be a failure but I've got your back, I'm here' instead of 'I wouldn't do it, it's too much responsibilities, find an office job and don't think about it.' Thanks for the support, dad.

I could go on and on and on but I've run out of energy