#i even tried texting it to someone once and i almost had a panic attack

[anonovershare]

Being touch starved sucks, I'm sitting here contemplating it and I've never cuddled with someone, never leaned against someone sitting together, never held hands with someone, never had a hug that lasted more than 7 seconds at most, can't remember the last time I got a real actual tight hug, and I have sensory issues/potentially trauma when it comes to touch so when I tell people I'm particular about the physical affection I receive they either ignore that and end up triggering my sensory issues or they respect it too much and never touch me again. Is it so much to ask for something in the middle, where someone just respects my boundaries I have in place without going so far as to treat me like a leper? It's been like this for so many years and I haven't figured out how to balance it.

[xneens]

mine, mine, mine

rafe tries to steal you back after you befriend the pogues.

You were his friend first, before those Pogues stole you from him, even before Sarah met you in that sandbox at five years old. He had laid eyes on you first and had been the one to help you when you scraped your elbow on the concrete, giving you a bandaid for it. He was the one you hugged and thanked before skipping away.

You used to party with him, used to spend Sundays at Tanneyhill, used to comfort him after a fight with Ward, used to sleep in his arms on his bed almost every night. Now, he'd be lucky to get a single text back or catch a glimpse of you in public. After you followed his sister into the group of Pogues, you spent a total of two nights in his arms, the last time more than a week ago. Whenever he checks your location, he can't help but get irritated when he sees you at any of the Pogue's places.

When Wheezie tells him she saw you with JJ Maybanks, he breaks, leaving his sister in an empty house, scouting your location as he gets on his bike. He's on your trail as you sprint towards where his sister and John B. faces off his father, running right into Sarah's arms.

He witnesses Sheriff Peterkins arrest his dad, watching John B pull you behind him. He can't take it anymore, even now that John B keeps you from watching the man you once respected get handcuffed.

Everything happens at once. He blinks and Peterkins lays on the ground in a pool of her own blood. His blue eyes meet yours, shock and fear swimming in yours as you stare back at him. A part of him breaks because never in his life have you stared at him with such fright. Not that he could blame you, he'd never shot anyone before. But he could blame John B.

He aims the gun at the Pogue and his blood boils with anger as you put yourself in front of him. The gun drops from his hand immediately, tears welling up in his eyes. He lost you.

He's pulling you to his truck, forcing you to sit in the passenger seat as his sister yells, crying her eyes out. His words are rushed as he tries to comfort you, avoiding your gaze, not wanting to look into your eyes and see how much you fear him.

He drives you to Tanneyhill, locking you in his room. Rafe tries to comfort you, letting you cry it out and shout at him. He allows you to throw a book at him, taking it all in because he'd rather you hate him for a moment than the rest of your life. Hatred for the Pogues builds when you don't let him touch you, pulling away from his attempts to hug you, to take you into his arms. The same hands that used to caress your face in your sleep now were the ones that murdered someone.

You slip his grip when he leaves the room briefly, running back to John B's and meeting with the rest of the crew. Rafe tweaks out even more after finding out you've turned off your location, throwing his phone on the ground.

He's at the tent when Shoupe tells you and your group of friends that Sarah and John B are presumed dead. Ward has to pull him away when you seek out comfort in JJ's arms instead of his.

After his trip to the Bahamas, he tries to reconcile with you, climbing up to your balcony on the verge of a panic attack. You lock your balcony doors, shutting the curtains and blocking out his pleas. That night, he tries to shoot up the Chateau, not aware you were hiding in the trees with JJ.

After John B's arrested and thrown in jail awaiting sentencing, you show up to his house. He's unaware of the phone in your back pocket, recording everything he's saying. He doesn't care that you're angry with him because, for the first time in months, you're willing to hear him out, willing to let him hold your hands and hold your face in his hands.

"You shot her, Rafe!" you yell out, not caring if Rose or Ward heard. "You killed someone."

Rafe whispers out your name, hands shaking as he holds your face in his hands. "You know I would never hurt you, right? I care about you. I love you. I love you more than those Pogues ever could."

Shaking your head, you pull his hands away from your face, pacing around his room. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. "That's not what I'm trying to—"

"But I need you to know that!" Rafe shouts, tapping his fingers against his temples. He walks towards you, panting. "They don't care about you like I do! They put you in constant danger. I never would do that to you. They can't take care of you like I have. You know that. Deep down you know that."

"Rafe." you try to interrupt. This was so not how this was supposed to go.

He takes your face between his hands again, a little too roughly. His lips were barely a foot away. "You were mine first. You still are. No matter what you call yourself, you always will be mine. I'll take care of you. I fucking love you."

Even as you run away from him, hope grows in his heart. Delusion or maybe he knew you better than you knew yourself, but he knew you still cared for him. Even after he killed Peterkins. Or so that's what he tells himself when he's sitting in a holding cell.

After his father's death, he tries even harder to convince you he is still the same Rafe you grew up with. After stealing the cross from Carla Limbrey, he shows up at your place under the pretense of giving it back to Pope. In the midst of your surprise, you hadn't thought to be suspicious about the tea he gave you. As soon as you felt dizzy, you pointed your finger at him. He apologizes, carrying you in his arms to the truck.

When you wake, he's there on the bed, holding your hand. He can't help but find it hot when you slap him across the face, leaving a red mark on his cheek. Rafe holds you down as you scream profanities at him, trying to break free of his grip, doing anything to get away from his presence.

He locks you in the room, promising to make everything better, professing his love for you over and over before leaving to deal with business. The next time he sees you, you're stopping him from bashing John B's skull in. The red light flickers against your face and for the second time, you stopped him from killing John B.

Rafe races after you, begging you to stay with him, his grip on your wrist leaving a bruise. "Stay with me. Please.”

He sees the slight hesitation, even if it's less than a second. His hand on your wrist loosens and you take off running, jumping off the ship and onto the little lifeboat driven by your Pogue friends. The cross drops into the ocean and he manages to save it last minute.

He raises a gun towards the stalled boat, aiming at his sister, the one who was responsible for bringing you with her as she befriended the Pogues. His finger twitches as he goes to pull the trigger, only to freeze when you stand up, blocking Sarah from his view.

You look back at the large ship, noticing Rafe with a gun in his hands. And for the second time, he drops the gun, staring as the lifeboat propels you out of his eyesight.

After a month, he sees you wearing a red dress in Carlos Singh's mansion. Both of you get locked up and you allow him to comfort you after seeing the man you rescued getting executed.

Swallowing his pride, he apologizes again, this time, you listen, because, after all, he's the only one that can help you. He apologizes for everything he's done, getting on his knees, eyes pleasing you to forgive him. When you don't say anything in return, his arms circle your waist, pressing his cheek to your torso.

Your name escapes his lips like a prayer. "Please. You're the only thing in this world I care about."

Working together, you both get out of Singh's property, catching a ride on the back of a truck. You looked away as Rafe threw a man off the truck, unable to watch your former best friend hurt another person.

As you both sail off on his boat, gunshots are heard across the dock as Singh's men try to stop you. Rafe has you steer the wheel, placing himself behind you, protecting you from any bullets that come close to hitting you. A bullet grazes his arm, red staining his white button-up.

You steer the boat into the ocean, texting your friends where to meet you before grabbing a kit and tending to Rafe's wound.

He watches as you clean his wound, eyes following your every movement. "Just like old times, huh? When you used to patch me up after a fight."

You scoff, unable to fight the small smile that danced on your lips. "Some things just don't change."

"I haven't seen you smile in so long." the words escape Rafe's lips before he can stop them, immediately regretting them when you stop smiling. He looks down, sighing. "Sorry."

You stay silent, patching him up. After putting on a bandage on his cut, you stand up, making your way back to the wheel.

Rafe stands, walking towards you slowly. He runs a hand down his face, frowning as you dock. "Is there any chance you'll forgive me?"

"I ... I don't think you're past unredeemable," you whisper, avoiding his gaze.

The Pogues board the boat, and you can't stop JJ from landing a right hook on Rafe's jaw. He puts distance between him and your friends, watching you play the mediator, defending him, even if it was half-ass. Rafe can't help but smirk slightly at JJ's disgruntled expression because despite what he's done, you've chosen him over them.

Though, when you return back to Kildare, Rafe's met with the version of you he's known for the past summer. You've chosen your pathetic group of friends, leaving his side the second the boat touched Kildare soil.

He tries to be better, tries to win you back. But when you leave his calls unanswered and texts unread, he goes crazy, seeking Barry's help to steal the cross from his own father. Before melting the cross, he calls you one more time, in hopes you'd stop him from making another mistake you'd have to forgive him for. He reaches your voicemail for the hundredth time.

The gold is sold off to his father's business partners and investors, the number in his bank account increasing with each passing day. He tells himself the more money he makes, the more he'll be able to provide for you and your future family, and the more he can spoil you with. Because if he can't have you, then no one can.

You show up at his door injured, shot in the stomach by one of Singh's men. Blood ran down your legs, staining your clothes. Rafe catches you as you collapse, pulling out his phone to call 911 only for you to stop him.

Anxious, he carefully carries you to his bed, helping you take off your top to examine the wound. He swallows, a part of him awakening at the sight of you wearing the bra he claimed as his favorite. Even as you bleed out, you still manage to look sexy.

He slows down the bleeding, cleansing the wound with a bottle of vodka, and muttering apologies as you swore at him for the pain. Stitching up the wound, he watches as your breathing slows down, your grip on his arm loosening. Fearing you'd die in your sleep, he keeps you awake by asking trivia questions, your annoyance groaning with every question.

Your eyes follow him as he gets on the bed with you, smoothly wrapping an arm around you and ignoring your judgment. The half-empty bottle of vodka rests in between the two of you; more often than not you take a sip from it, dulling the pain.

Rafe allows you to close your eyes, rubbing small circles on your shoulder with his thumb, his eyes observing the droplet of vodka resting on your lips for a second before your tongue licks it off. For the first time in a while, you relax in his presence, muscles slack as you let him comfort you.

"Do you still mean it? What you said on the boat," he murmurs, staring as your fingers absentmindedly played with his gold signet ring.

You nod lazily, humming in response. "I do."

"I melted the cross."

A pause. "That was a dick move, but you're not unredeemable. You've done a lot of shitty things, Rafe. Maybe I'm fucking stupid but I'm hoping the person who used to be my best friend is still there underneath the constant need for your dad's approval."

"It's not his approval I need," he whispers into your hair, his ring spun around his finger by yours.

Your eyes drift open, staring at him. The familiarity of your eyes, now no longer filled with contempt or unease, almost breaks him because he has you back again. "I still care for you. And I know you'll fix this.”

He's thankful you close your eyes again, not wanting you to witness a tear running down his face. He wipes it off in your hair, kissing your forehead as you sleep.

You'll fix this.

Rafe stops the hitman from killing Ward.

You'll fix this.

Rafe drives him to the private jet, heart beating out of his chest as he sees you standing next to his sister.

He gets his father on the jet, telling you the cliff notes of what happened. With bloody hands, he holds your face in his hands as if you were the most delicate thing on Earth.

"I—I'm fixing it." he manages to get out, fingers trembling. Rafe tries to give you a smile but it's shaky.

Your brows furrowed in confusion. "Rafe, what—"

"Look, I know there's nothing I can say that can stop you from getting on that plane, so, please be careful, okay?" he whispers. Rafe doesn't wait for an answer, taking off his ring and putting it on your ring finger, never mind that it's far too big.

You stare at the ring for a moment before glancing back at him. "I can't—"

"I've fucked up a lot of things. But I'll fix it, all of it," he promises, bringing your hands to his lips, and pressing a kiss to your knuckles.

"I know," you reply, heart clenching at the broken man in front of you.

"But come back to me, okay? You are the one thing I can't lose. I love you. Come back to me, baby." Rafe chokes out, eyes watering while he pleads.

Without thinking about it, you press your lips to his, not caring about the audience behind you. It's urgent and intense, his lips almost punishing. You taste blood, and he tastes a bit of heaven.

His heart breaks in two when you get on the plane, knowing you've taken it with you.

[damiansgoodgirll]

DONT BREAK MY HEART PART 7 but make it smut 🥵🤭

part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six

terror twins x reader (platonic) / the judgment day x reader (platonic) / drew mcintyre x reader

likes, comments and reblogs are always appreciated!!

‼️family issues, fear or abandonment, fear of loneliness, nightmares, panic attacks, mention and talk of sex (?), some hints of smut, slow burn

don’t break my heart - part 7

you and drew took some time off from the company after what happened last time. you saw a side of finn that you never saw and it honestly scared you. from him treating you as a daughter, helping you overcome your fears and traumas to be the one who caused you more pain than ever.

you didn’t know what triggered him to get violent with you and, at this point, you didn’t even care to find out. rhea and damian understood why you weren’t going to be there with them and they couldn’t blame you. rhea was still shocked that finn raised his hands on you and she understood that you needed time to heal. they were both very concerned about you and even if rhea spoke - or more, threatened and screamed at finn - he didn’t see any wrong in what he did.

you texted a good luck message to both rhea and damian before you got comfy on your couch with drew next to you.

he huffed when he saw punk opening tonight’s raw, making you smile a little. you both watched what he had to say and you couldn’t lie that he was very good at doing promos. drew, of course, was pretty irritated and as petty as he is, he had to have the last word “can you take a video of me to post on instagram? punk needs to see his words aren’t a threat for me…” drew asked with his typical smirk on his face. you nodded, chuckling at his expression once you clicked on the camera and started recording. he turned serious, clapping at what punk said. he wanted to show who was really in charge and you couldn’t lie, this side of him always turned you on but you couldn’t let him know. you never even talked about sex so it seemed weird for you to tell him about how hot he looked while being so dominant. he posted the video and thanked you, complimenting your videographer skills “what you looking at?” he whispered, noticing you dozing off.

“oh, nothing…let’s keep watching the show, rhea told me she had some promos with jey and i’m so happy for her…” you tried to change the subject, knowing that drew’s thick accent and deep voice always made you flustered “i think jey might be good for her…”

“yeah, she deserves some happiness, just like you” he whispered, dragging you closer to his body and gently covering you with his blanket. his little gesture made you smile, as you laid your head over his shoulder, you couldn’t stop thinking about how lucky you were that you had found someone as kind and caring and as drew was.

you both got comfortable watching monday night raw while eating popcorn. you were both ready to come back after a week of being at home - your home as drew crashed in and never left - and you honestly missed the feeling of being in the ring and training with damian and rhea. you’ve been in contact this past week but you missed their company and you couldn’t wait for them to be back in town so you could visit them.

as you watched rhea’s promo getting interrupted by finn, your body tensed a little. drew felt that and he gently caressed your thigh, almost as if he wanted to let you know that he was there.

“what you mean finn caused all of this?” you whispered watching how finn confessed all of his wicked plan to rhea. he was the one who told you that everything was going to be okay at summerslam and now he confessed he was the one to lure dominik to go for liv? oh, you were so pissed. he was the reason your family fell apart and, truthfully, even though it hurt, you were lucky that finn showed his true colours before it was too late for you “he’s so dead…” you whispered loud enough that drew was able to hear you.

“yeah he’s dead but you’re not going closer to him anymore in your life…” drew was still mad about the outcome of last week. he never saw you so shaken up. he wanted to kill finn for causing you all of this pain, for bringing back bad memories and unpleasant feelings and if murder was legal, he probably would have already done it. but you were his first priority and that night he took care of you. he held you while you were falling asleep and he calmed you down after you woke up crying from a nightmare. he was there for you.

“you should have listened to what he was saying to me at summerslam” you remembered “he said how he didn’t know about dominik betraying liv, how he cared for the group…and now, he just confessed that he was the mind behind all of it? how can someone be so manipulative?” you took a deep breath, already knowing the answer.

“hey, why don’t we focus on something else?” he asked, hoping that it would distract you.

“yeah, probably better” you laughed “please, enlighten me with how you are going to destroy cm punk at bad blood” you teased him, making him smile.

you loved how happy he was to talk about his feud with punk. he couldn’t stand the older man but knowing that he had you on his side, made him feel proud.

you talked about it for hours. monday night raw already forgotten, as an other show played in the background. your head laid on his chest while he was softly stroking your back.

you felt yourself getting tired and before you could protest, you fell asleep on his muscular chest. hearing a soft laugh before you dozed off, he kissed you good night and gently carried you to your bedroom.

he got comfortable on the bed, laying you under the blanket and him laying next to you, holding you as he turned off the lights and fell asleep.

you didn’t know what time it was when you woke up. probably around 3 am. it was dark outside and there was an uncomfortable silence going on that made your heart beat faster. you got out of bed carefully, trying not to wake drew that was peacefully sleeping next to you. with nowhere to go, you decided to hide yourself in the bathroom.

another night, another nightmare.

but this time it was more graphic. it wasn’t something that happened - no - it was something that your mind was making up, something so scary that you couldn’t control your tears. you were scared of your mind and all the dark thoughts that you were experiencing.

drew - of course - felt the moment you stood up from your bed and hid yourself in the bathroom. he was used to your nightmares and everytime it was different. sometimes you would wake up screaming, crying, sometimes you wouldn’t even wake up - he would find you shaking on the bed and he would have to wake you up - and sometimes you would wake up without making a sound.

but no matter what, he always told you to wake him up in case he wouldn’t hear you and everytime you did the opposite of what he asked. always hiding or closing you in yourself.

he heard your soft sobs and he immediately knew what was going on. knocking on the locked bathroom door, he was almost begging you to let him in. slowly, unlocking the door, you were met with his worried eyes “oh love…come here” he opened his arms for you, letting you know that he was there for you “another nightmare?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

no words came from your mouth but you didn’t need to - he understood perfectly what was going on. softly walking you to the bed, he laid with you, holding you in his arms as you cried.

“i’m sorry i woke you up…” you sniffled.

“don’t apologise, baby, never apologise for this…it’s okay i promise you” leaving a soft kiss on your cheek, whispering softly in your ear as he rocked you between his arms “do you feel safe sleeping again? we can stay awake and watch tv if not” he was so patient with you and you melted everytime he showed his soft side to you.

“we should sleep…we’re coming back to raw soon and with bad blood in just a few weeks, i wanna be okay for that…i have to, for rhea and damian, for you, and mostly for me” you loved how day by day you gained some little confidence, thanks for the amount of love drew always showed you.

“okay, let’s lay down my love” without leaving you, he kept holding your body in his arms. laying your head on his chest, you fell asleep quickly to the sound of his heartbeat.

when morning hit, you and drew began your usual routine, and so it went on for days and days until you were both scheduled to come back to monday night raw.

“can’t wait to see rhea and damian again…” you whispered a little excited as you were packing your bags. drew chuckled, it was becoming less rare to see you this bubbly and he loved it.

of course rhea texted you that damian and her would be on a different flight because their timing was very chaotic and so they forgot to book flights for the event. she couldn’t wait to see you, she kept in touch with you and sometimes you trained together but you also needed more time for you, more time for you and drew, to explore your relationship.

as you texted her that you would see her at the hotel, drew carried all of your bags into his car as he was ready for the airport.

“coming!” you shouted before making sure you took everything you needed and closing the doors.

you could simplify the word airport with pure chaos. you hated flying, especially when you had to go from florida to canada. from the warmest temperature to the coldest one. nine times out of ten you would always get sick because of the drastic temperature change. but drew took care of everything. from checking in your bags to looking for your gate, from buying you some snacks to eat during the flight to give you the window seat that was initially under his name. he did everything he could to make this flight comfortable for you.

“what hotel room do you have baby?” he causally asked you.

“uhm…357, what about you?”

“209” he laughed “why do they keep putting us on different levels?”

“maybe because no one else apart from rhea and damian know that we are together” you joked.

“yeah…” he laughed but he thought for a minute. what if you went public? would it be too early for you? would it make you uncomfortable? he definitely was going to bring the topic up but not now as he saw how stressed you already were, trying to find a comfortable position in your seat.

many hours later you finally arrived. car rental waiting for drew outside the airport was nothing new. you saw him signing off some paperwork and you immediately jumped in the car, not wanting to freeze your ass more than what you were already doing. chuckling, drew got into the car and drove towards the hotel.

“we’re gonna stay here for three days baby, will you make it?” he joked, seeing how hardly you were trying to keep your hands warm.

“i’ll tell you when i start transitioning in elsa” you matched his irony, making the both of you laugh.

as usual, drew walked you to your room first and helped you with your bags.

“i’m gonna go through the script again in the meantime…i can’t believe rhea and damian forgot to book their flights” you laughed. you actually could believe it since they always did that. when you were still in the judgment day finn was the one who took care of everything but now, with you even hating the idea of flying, with rhea and damian being always too busy with their lives, it wasn’t nothing new that you booked last minute tickets.

“i’ll go rest a little bit and then i’ll hit the gym, text me when you’re done with rhea and damian, let me know if i can join you for dinner or if they’ll kill me” he joked before kissing you goodbye, heading towards his room.

you definitely weren’t expecting that rhea and damian would be so welcoming with drew. dinner went smoothly, laughing and making jokes and for the first time, after the mess with the judgment day, as you look at them, you saw a family, a real family, that was going to be there for you, no matter what.

while rhea and damian moved to reach their bedrooms, you and drew took a few steps along the hallways of the hotel, holding hands and talking about the little things.

like always, he walked you back to your room and stayed there for a few minutes. he was visibly tired, from the long day he just had but nevertheless, he took time making sure that you were okay and safe in your room.

before he left he gently pushed your body into his bigger one, circling your hips with his hands. you stood up a little taller to reach his lips - a goodnight kiss as usual - and when he bit your lips you couldn’t help but moan a little into his mouth. you definitely wasn’t expecting that. you liked it, a lot, but his strong grip on your hips and his tongue teasing your lips were making you hot and very bothered as you had no idea on how to react.

“if you ever want, tonight or tomorrow night, my room is always open for you” he whispered in your ear, sending shivers down your spine. with one last kiss he left, a cocky smile on his face while you stood there speechless.

with all that was going on with your life, you’ve never thought about that. the possibility of having sex with drew. sure, it crossed your mind but you never thought about it. and it was a serious thing. of course he wouldn’t wait for you forever, he had needs and somehow, being always so close to him, made you realise that you had needs too.

panicking, you sent a quick message to rhea and damian, asking them to come immediately to your room.

in less than five minutes they were both there, wondering what was keeping you awake.

“is everything okay hermosa?” damian asked.

“yes, no…yes and no, i don’t know i need your help” you felt like you were in your sixteens again.

“with what?” rhea interrupted sitting on your bed next to damian as you were pacing around the room.

“it’s drew…i love him, i really do and he loves me too…this past weeks really helped us a lot with coming to the conclusion that we want this to be a long term relationship” you saw rhea and damian smiling “but…there’s a thing we haven’t really talked about and i think i need your help on this…” you were embarrassed.

you remember how your mother first told you about sex, you were only nine and you felt like she traumatised you. talking about it with your friends at school always made you embarrassed. you just didn’t know what to say or what to do.

“we haven’t done…you know, that” you tried to avoid those weird terms that always made you cringe.

“oh” they both said in sync.

“it’s bad, isn’t it?” you questioned, your eyes moving from the damian to rhea.

“what? no…absolutely not, it’s not bad y/n…” rhea immediately spoke up “he loves you and he clearly wants to wait for you to be ready”

“he was here before and he kinda let me understand that he wants to do it…you know, and i want it too but i don’t have much experience, basically i never had an ex boyfriend, just some dickheads who just wanted a blowjob and i have no idea what to do!” you started pacing around the room one more time. the duo glancing between you and themselves “and i know that if i tell him that, he would probably laugh…he’s a grown man after all” defeated, you threw yourself on the bed.

“that’s nonsense…” damian spoke with his gentle yet strong tone “he loves you and no matter what you say, he will never judge you or laugh at you…if you two want to have a long relationship, you gotta talk about this…he will be patient with you and who cares if you’re inexperienced, he will show you…you have all the time in front of you to learn, you’re young” damian soft voice made you realise that everything he said was true. you needed to talk about it with drew, you wanted to talk about it with drew.

“you’re right…you’re always right” you said making him chuckle.

“hey…you do you, do what you feel comfortable to do, no one will pressure you, okay?” rhea’s loving eyes stared into your look.

“i will, i promise…thank you” you were so glad to have them by your side.

“if you need anything, we’re a couple of doors away” damian said before kissing your forehead and leaving the room, followed by rhea.

needless to say, you stayed awake all night thinking about the duo’s words. maybe, tonight after the show you will find the courage to talk with drew.

drew texted you first thing in the morning, asking you if you were riding with him to the arena. accepting his offer, you met him down in the parking lot. with his cocky smile, he greeted you with a big hug and gentle kiss.

“have you slept good?” he asked.

“yeah…” you tried to fix your eye bags with some make up and thankfully, drew didn’t notice.

the ride towards the arena was silent but comfortable. one his hand was placed upon your thigh, gently squeezing it and sometimes drawing random circles on your skin.

“are you ready for tonight?” he asked, waking you up from your thoughts.

tonight? “what…tonight?”

“yeah the show” he laughed “we’re so close to bad blood…you sure you have slept?”

“oh yeah, the show…it’s probably gonna be the same boring story…damian has a match against dom, he’s definitely gonna crush him and then the budget day will crush damian, then rhea and i have come to the rescue, making those cowards run away” you knew how it was going to happen because that was everything you’ve been doing for the past weeks. you didn’t know how to feel, knowing that you would have to face balor, you didn’t wanna see him.

and so it was as you said. you almost predicted everything, except for the part where liv would hit rhea’s injured leg and so it was just you standing in front of rhea and damian as they were both laying there, inside the ring.

finn smirked, making you feel very uncomfortable. he had that sadistic smile he had the night he hit you.

“you can’t run…you can’t hide” he smirked, laughing at you.

at this point you weren’t even sure what was going to happen. liv didn’t attack you, she was the only one that logically would have attacked you. instead finn took a few steps forward, making you back up.

he was right - nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, especially since rhea and damian were laying injured behind you and the only thing that was stopping the judgment day from hitting them was you.

with the little strength he had left, damian reached out for you and threw himself over your body, the same way he did with rhea, when he saw that finn was ready to hit you.

he promised he would have never left finn hurt you again and so he saw the moment and took the hits instead of you.

in the meantime, jey uso music echoed through the arena, making people cheering and screaming. when they saw him, the group immediately ran away. but the twin didn’t care, his priority was rhea, and you two.

as damian helped you standing up, you couldn’t control your emotions and you threw yourself into his arms, hugging him.

“are you okay?” you whispered.

“yes, are you?” he looked down into your eyes and when he saw you nodding, he held you close.

“thank you…for protecting me” your voice trembled.

“i promised you, he would never lay his hands on you ever again” his tone was serious and you could tell that this wasn’t over.

you helped him backstage as rhea was being helped by jey. medical staff immediately went to check upon the duo as you and jey waited for them to be cleared. worried for them, you couldn’t sit still and jey tried his best to calm you down. your mind kept replaying the scene where damian covered you with his body, taking the hits for you.

“…hey, they’re gonna be okay” jey kept whispering, seeing how worried you were.

twenty minutes later and they were both finally cleared. damian was okay, rhea’s leg was still injured but the doctor told her that she would be recovering before bad blood so she wasn’t that worried.

they walked out, jey talked with rhea before going to get ready for his match. you went with them and when you all entered rhea’s changing room, you saw rhea being pissed. she was pissed with liv and the judgment day. she couldn’t stand them anymore.

“i can’t wait for bad blood…i’m gonna whip her ass, i can’t stand her” rhea kept mumbling.

“i can’t believe finn had the nerve to stand in front of y/n like that! he’s dead! i can’t wait to have my hands on him at bad blood” damian was angrier than rhea. talking as if you weren’t there, you let them, knowing that they needed to let their frustration out. as they were talking, your eyes were focused on the screen in front of you. drew was next and you couldn’t help but notice how good he looked that night. the way he spoke, his thick accent making everything ten times hotter. the way his eyes tried to be mischievous but deep down you knew the truth and he was a softie. everything from the way he was looking was making you hot. rhea and damian were trying to talk with you but you were too focused on the tv that you didn’t even know what they were saying.

“y/n!” rhea screamed a little too loud, making you jump on your spot “i asked you, do you come back with us or do you wait for drew?”

“uhm…you guys go, i’m gonna wait for him…have a goodnight” you smiled before hugging them both.

your eyes never leaving the screen, you couldn’t wait for drew to come backstage. feeling the need to be in his presence, to hug him and touch him.

patiently waiting for his segment to finish, the moment he came back to his locker room, you waited for him to shower and get ready. he was quick so you gave him 10 minutes before barging into his room.

“hey darling” he smiled seeing you there “are you okay? i saw what happened there with finn…i’m so glad damian was there to protect you” he was concerned.

“yeah i’m okay, thank you” you smiled “i loved your promo”

he was surprised but not that surprised “thank you” he always knew how much you struggled with words - preferring physical action instead of words - so he was happy to hear you say that “what do you think if we go back to the hotel? eating something and then sleeping? i’m busted” you nodded, wanting to be alone with drew as much as possible.

the ride took less than expected, your eyes darting between the soft rain outside and drew’s focused face as he drove.

“my room or yours?” he asked once you got into the hotel hall.

“yours” you didn’t know where that confidence came from and he was surprised as you were but he couldn’t say no to you so you both walked towards his room.

he gave you some of his clothes so you could change and be more comfortable and once food came, you both ate talking about the show. you could tell he was excited about bad blood too. and you hoped he could take home the victory, he wanted this feud with punk to be over and he wanted it to be over at bad blood.

after you were all done, full and satisfied with the amount of food drew got, you both comfortably laid on his bed, watching whatever show the tv was playing - not that you were paying attention to it.

“i’m proud of you” he broke the silence “the way you stood up in front of the man who hurt you, in front of finn…the fans don’t know what happened but i know, and i’m so proud of you” his smile was genuine. his words making you lean more into his touch as his hand was on your back.

“thank you” you whispered “it means a lot to me…” you looked up at him and saw his look moving between your lips and your eyes. you couldn’t wait anymore as you’ve been waiting impatiently all day long to be in his arms, so you lifted your head up and softly kissed his lips. you felt him smile into the kiss, his tongue teasing you.

“i can’t get you out of my head y/n…don’t know what spell you put on me” he whispered against your lips making you chuckle.

“a witch never tells her secrets” you teased him back, making him smile.

“i just love the taste of your lips on mine, the way your body fits perfectly into my hands, the way your skin feels against mine…you’re a good witch because i never want that spell to end” he teased one more time before diving his lips back onto yours.

in a swift move, he helped you sitting on his lap, so now your hands were both teasing his hair as his bigger ones moved to hold your hips down. few kisses turned into a full make out session and his warm hands started teasing the hem of his t-shirt that you were wearing. you felt his fingers over your skin, on your back, moving over your stomach and hips. the sudden sensation of his teeth biting your lower lip made you whimper in his mouth, grinding your hips lower, you accidentally brushed over his length. feeling him growing harder and fuller, drew softly moaned over your lips.

you took a few seconds to watch at him, his eyes closed as he was taking in everything that you were willing to give him.

“drew…” your soft voice called him.

he opened his eyes, looking at you with a smile on his face “tell me love…”

how were you going to tell him? you didn’t want to ruin the moment, everything was going well, everything was romantic and you didn’t want to set the mood off.

“well…” words caught in your mouth.

he took one look at you and realised what you were going to say “we don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, i’m happy as long as you’re comfortable” his words were genuine and you found honesty in his voice.

your heart melted “i really wanna do it, but..i’ve never uhm, done it? i mean i did but at the same time i have not and i don’t know what i’m doing…” you blurted out panicking a little, making him laugh.

“shhh, it’s okay baby…i wanna take care of you and i’ll show you everything you want, i promise” you couldn’t believe how patient he was with you and you loved him even more “but not tonight baby…when you’re ready”

“okay…” you whispered, a soft smile on your face “but i really enjoy kissing you…”

your words made him laugh as he smiled into the kiss, gently laying his lips over yours again.

you knew you were safe with him and no matter what, he was going to be there for you.

your mind was too focused on bad blood, so maybe, after the event you would have experimented something with drew.

your only fear was - what if everything goes down? what if rhea loses? what if damian loses? what if drew loses? what if the events of that night were going to change your future forever?

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

i’m sorry it took so long but with me being sick and my mom being sick i hadn’t much to myself but now i’m back! let me know what you think and if you have ideas for the next chapter please let me know

[benispunk]

Who's That Girl?

Chapter 5: We Stay Silent

All jokes aside, Wade had too much stuff to deal with. Keeping up his mask was way too hard.

logan howlett x reader

TW: language, D&W, panic attack, mental health issues.

A/N: chapter five is up!!! this one is directly connected to the previous chapter, it's basically the same chapter but from wade's pov, so please make sure you read Part 4 before reading this one!! Please don't be made at me I love wade so much😔✊

→ this fic is inspired by the TV Show New Girl, Wade and Logan aren't Deadpool and Wolverine (no powers/mutant gene etc) but I did take most of their character traits and storyline!!

Masterlist / Previous Part

Wade woke up later than usual, sunlight already creeping through the blinds. His phone buzzed on the nightstand with a few missed notifications, but he didn’t bother checking them right away. He stretched lazily, rubbing his face. The apartment was quiet, almost too quiet. Logan and Y/N had already left for work, probably hours ago. Good. He didn't think he was in the mood for any morning chit-chat for once.

After throwing on his running gear and grabbing a water bottle, Wade slipped out of the apartment and into the cool morning air. He’d hit his usual route— nothing too long today. He wasn’t up for pushing himself too hard.

He never liked running. He always wondered what part of running was actually satisfying for some people. It helped him clear his mind, gave him space to think, or better yet, not think at all. Maybe he had a toxic relationship with running. Maybe it worked like a drug on him. But he knew he would rather run until his legs give out rather than go down the same path he followed years ago. He knew better now.

The streets were familiar, and Wade let his feet carry him through the neighborhood without much thought. His mind wandered, as it often did, from jokes he was working on to what gig he had next to the weird thing Logan had said last night. Everything felt scattered, but that was normal. He was used to living with his thoughts bouncing around like a pinball machine. His mind felt like a computer with thousands of tabs opened.

But then, just as he rounded a corner near the park, Wade froze. Vanessa.

She was standing there, a few meters away, looking just like she used to—like a ghost from a past life. She hadn’t seen him yet, thank god. His heart slammed into his chest, panic rising as he quickly debated turning around and bolting. Too late.

“Wade?”

Her voice caught him mid-step. He turned, awkwardly waving like an idiot.

“Vanessa, hey!” Wade’s voice came out higher than he wanted, and the grin he plastered on his face felt all wrong.

Vanessa smiled, her eyes crinkling at the corners, looking genuinely happy to see him. “I knew that was you. How’ve you been?”

Wade’s brain scrambled for something, anything to say. How have I been? That was a fucking big question. How do you explain six years of missing someone without falling apart? He ran a hand through his hair, nervously glancing at his shoes.

“Oh, you know… same old, same old.” He tried to laugh it off, but his voice cracked.

She didn’t seem to notice his internal chaos. “It’s been so long, huh? We should catch up sometime, what do you think?”

He wanted to run. Run so fast he could break his legs and never even feel it. Catch up? What does that even mean? How do you catch up with someone you’ve been in love with since forever even after you both decided that being friends would be better, and bla bla bla, why was he thinking about this again?

He did his best at hiding his internal panic and forced himself to stay still, nodding like an idiot.

“Yeah, totally! That would be great.” He was still smiling like a maniac, but inside, every alarm bell was going off. Abort. Abort. Abort.

Vanessa seemed pleased with that answer, though. “Great! I’ll text you.”

“Yeah! See ya around, V,” Wade blurted before turning on his heel and jogging away as fast as he could without looking completely insane. He could feel her eyes on him as he sprinted, and he didn’t stop until he was several blocks away, breathing hard.

“Good job, Wade. You fuckin’ idiot,” he muttered to himself, wiping sweat from his forehead. His chest felt tight, but it wasn’t from the run. It was that familiar pressure building inside him, the one he tried so hard to ignore. The feeling of not being able to handle any of it.

———

Wade stood outside Blind Al’s door, debating whether to knock or not. He hadn’t seen her in a while, but she had been a constant in his life during the toughest times. Before Logan. Before everything fell apart.

He knocked, and her voice came through the door, as sharp as ever. “Took you long enough to visit, jackass.”

Wade smiled despite himself, pushing the door open. “Miss me, Al?”

“Not in the slightest,” she quipped. Wade knew she couldn’t see, but the way she was standing in front of him made it look like she was staring right through him, “Something’s going on with you. Spill it.”

Wade plopped down on her couch, letting out a dramatic sigh. “Ran into Vanessa.”

Blind Al didn’t react. She just sat back in her chair. “That so? And you didn’t completely lose your shit?”

Wade snorted. “Define ‘completely.’ I told her we’d catch up, and then I ran away like a coward. Does that count?”

“Yeah, that counts,” Al said, her voice gruff but understanding. “So what now?”

“I don’t know.” Wade rubbed his temples. “She seemed happy, like genuinely happy to see me, and I just… I don’t know what to do with that.”

“You don’t have to do anything,” Al said bluntly. “She’s part of your past, and that’s fine. Doesn’t mean you have to dive back into that mess.”

“Yeah, but what if…” Wade trailed off, staring at the ceiling. He wasn’t even sure what he was asking.

“Look, you’ve got your life now. You’ve got Logan, and now this new girl, Y/N, right? Stick to what’s real. Don’t go chasing ghosts.” Al’s voice softened slightly, and Wade felt a pang of gratitude for her, "Or go for it. Just, don’t think about it too much. Let things go their own way." she added.

Easier said than done, but duly noted.

Suddenly, she got up from her chair and walked towards her kitchen. Wade watched her come back with a cup of not-at-all full of alcohol coffee and settle back in her chair.

"So, you didn’t tell me about that new roommate…"

He stayed with her for lunch and then they talked all afternoon. He told her everything she had to know about Y/N, and how Logan was doing, too. But still, he couldn’t shake the thought of what had happened that morning. Vanessa. Al was always right, but the pressure in his chest still hadn’t gone away. It wasn’t just Vanessa. It was everything. 

———

By the time Wade got back to the apartment building, the weight in his chest had doubled. He made a turn into an alleyway, the walls suddenly feeling too close. His breath came in shallow gasps, and his hands started to shake.

No no no no no, not now. Not here.

He pressed himself into the corner, knees pulling up to his chest as he tried to get control, but it wasn’t working. He felt like he was drowning, like the air was being sucked out of the alley. Everything was overwhelming.

Breathe, Wade. Just fucking breathe.

He fumbled for his phone and dialed his therapist’s number. He knew she had given him her personal phone number just for emergencies but maybe, maybe this time, it was an emergency. He needed it. Because breathing wasn’t working. After a few agonizing rings, she picked up.

“Wade? What’s going on?”

He could barely get the words out, his voice shaking. “I…I c—can’t »

“Okay, okay,” she said calmly. “You’re going to be fine. You know the drill. Slow your breathing.”

Wade tried, focusing on her voice. After what felt like hours, his breathing steadied, but the tightness in his chest remained.

"Are you feeling better?" she asked and Wade had no idea what to answer. Air was back in his lungs, yes. But that was it.

"I’m losing it. I don’t know what to do." He waited a few seconds for his therapist to answer. When she didn’t, he continued. "I’m lost. I can’t make a choice. I feel like a fuckin’ loser and I don’t know why people are still keeping up with me. And I called you, god, I’m so sorry, I know it’s supposed to be for emergencies only—"

She interrupted him, "Wade, this was an emergency."

Wade shook his head and he watched his free hand for a few seconds, it was shaking like crazy. He didn’t say anything for a while. "Can we have a session soon?"

“Of course, Wade. Can you get to someone, right now? A friend?”

“Logan,” Wade muttered. “I could go see Logan.”

“Good. Do that. You’ve got people, Wade. Lean on them.”

Wade nodded, even though she couldn’t see him. “Yeah… yeah, I’ll go see Logan.”

He hung up and dragged himself to his feet, wiping at his face. Get it together, Wade.

———

Logan’s classroom was quiet when Wade arrived, a rare moment of calm at the end of a long day. The coffee shop near the center was still open, so Wade grabbed a box of donuts and two coffees before heading over. Showing up unannounced wasn’t unusual for him—Logan never seemed to mind (he did– Wade chose to ignore it). Besides, the guy could use a donut break anyway.

But as Wade neared the door, that familiar tightness crept back into his chest. Logan’s gonna see right through me. He paused, forcing down the rising anxiety, plastering on his usual grin before pushing the door open.

“Hey, I come bearing gifts. You looked like you could use a sugar rush.”

Logan frowned as soon as he saw him. “You okay?”

I hate him so much.

Wade waved him off, doing his best to sound casual. “Me? Of course! I’m always okay. What’re you talking about?”

Logan didn’t press further, but Wade could feel his friend's eyes lingering on him, studying him like he could sense the tension beneath the surface. He wasn’t sure if he wanted Logan to ask again or not. Wade kept talking, cracking jokes, doing his usual routine, but something in Logan’s steady silence made it harder to maintain.

They sat together, sipping coffee and biting into donuts, the atmosphere light but heavy at the same time. He knew Logan saw through him. He always did. But Logan didn’t push, and for that, Wade was grateful.

As they left the center together, Wade kept the conversation rolling, letting his words spill out faster than usual, a habit he’d sharpened over the years. Keep talking, keep things light, and maybe Logan wouldn’t dig deeper.

“...and I swear, man, if this one guy hadn’t backed off, I would’ve–”

“You sure you’re okay?” Logan’s voice cut through Wade’s ramble, and oh my god, was he using a gentle tone on me?

The question sent a jolt of panic through Wade. He felt the familiar tightening in his chest again, the pressure pushing against the cracks. Not now. Not here.

He immediately forced a laugh, one that felt too loud in his ears, like he wasn’t the one laughing . “Of course! Stop worrying about me, peanut. You’ve got your own crap to deal with. Speaking of which,” Wade added quickly, redirecting the conversation towards something he knew Logan wouldn’t press on, “how’s it going with Y/N, huh? Been hanging out together without me, yet?”

Logan rolled his eyes, but Wade didn’t miss the shift in his expression. He knew Logan had caught the distraction, knew the guy could read him like an open book. But Logan didn’t push, not yet.

“She’s our roommate, Wade,” Logan said.

Wade threw him a wink, keeping up the act. “Sure, sure. Got it.”

Logan let it slide, like Wade knew he would. He always did. Pushing Wade for answers never worked. Logan had learned that a long time ago. He’ll ask again later, Wade thought, the weight of it settling somewhere deep inside him. But for now, at least, Logan let it go.

Wade kept talking, kept deflecting, but even as his voice filled the air, he could feel Logan’s gaze on him, steady, waiting. Logan would be there when the time came, ready to listen. Wade knew that. He always knew that.

But right now? Wade wasn’t ready. Not yet. So he smiled, cracked another joke, and pushed the feeling down a little further.

Maybe later.

XXX

[yandereunsolved]

Macabre Monster - ,, yandere pre & post death Kyle Spencer

tw(s): yandere themes, mentions of suicide (Kyle), Madison's sa mentioned, Kyle's boundaries being crossed (not by reader), Kyle's trauma (non-descriptive)

✧ Both you and Kyle attended the same campus. That is where it all started. You both attended the same party. Kyle was slightly intoxicated when he met you. You were standing in the corner awkwardly with the distinctly red solo cup. You both got to talking, and something just clicked. You made your way to a backroom in the absolutely trashed frat house and just talked. You practically spilled out your guts on each other. Kyle told you everything—how his father died at a young age, how he had to take up the role of'man  of the house', all of the trauma sounding to him and his mother. After that day, there was just a connection with you. Call it a sort of codependent need for intimacy. He never had someone healthy to just hang around. He needed that; he craved it with his very being. So what's so wrong with letting that little bud of codependency flower into an entire garden of obsession?

✧ From that day forward, the two of you were practically inseparable. He got your number and texted you all the time. He invited you out to places. He gave you a bunch of gifts and trinkets. He drank and danced with you. He even did a really bad rendition of “Is This Love” by Whitesnake. You guys may have kissed once, twice, or three times, but you just seemed fine not putting a label on it. You still flirted with people and went out on dates. Kyle still partied with his frat brothers and went with the flow.

✧ As the months passed and your friendship grew, strange things started happening. Certain items of yours went missing. You'd get drunk, forget to take off your make-up, and wake up with it completely off and your entire skincare routine done. Your messy dorm became neat and tidy. Sometimes you'd even feel someone playing with your hair or massaging you in your sleep. You thought that they were all just tricks of your mind. 

✧ One thing that definitely was not a trick of your mind was when you read Kyle's mind for the first time. 'They're so slammin'. You blinked in surprise and kind of gave him a weird look. He continued on with the conversation, but more weird things kept popping into your head. 'I wanna kiss them.' 'I wonder if they got my gift.' 'I should probably sort their clothing again.' 'I'm so lucky to have them in my life. They are a total catch.' It disturbed you. That was the day you learned you had magical abilities. You were shipped off to Miss Robichaux's Academy.

✧ You didn't see him for a long time. It felt like a long time. It was really only three and a half weeks. For those three and a half weeks, Kyle was a mess. He turned your dorm upside down, but most of your belongings were gone. He had a panic attack and sat on the floor of your room and bawled his eyes out. He frantically texted you only to get a 'unable to send text' message over and over and over again, no matter how many times he tried. He tried over a hundred. He passed out in your room and missed his classes that day. He gathered what was left of your things and hoarded them in his room. He asked about you, and they said absolutely nothing. They wouldn't tell him anything. He was on the verge of offing himself. 

✧ That was until he saw you at the party. You had grown a bit in your abilities. You were still barely able to keep everyone's thoughts out of your head, but Nan helped you a bit. You had gone to the party with Madison and Zoe. You hadn't expected to be scooped up by Kyle and dragged into the back of the house. He kind of just pulled you into a hug and sobbed. You weren't sure how long it was. The one time you wanted to read his thoughts, you couldn't. Your ears were too busy hearing all of your blood rushing, as well as his and everybody else's in the house. 

✧ The rest of it was almost a blur. You both discovered Madison being assaulted. She must have had her drink spiked. All of the frat brothers were 'taking their turn with her'. No, not Kyle. Not your Kyle. He stepped in and chased them off. The next thing you knew, you were standing with Zoe, and the frat bus was driving off. Madison flipped it over with her abilities, and suddenly your entire world was crashing down. Neither of them went towards the bus. You did. You ran towards it and collapsed on the ground. You could feel only two people breathing. Neither of them matched Kyle's breath.

✧ The next week, you were so closed off and depressed that Madison graced you with the ability to get your little 'boyfriend', as she had dubbed him, back. You were morally against it, but Zoe argued that it was the right thing to do. All three of you completed the ritual. While you weren't exactly thrilled with practically selling your soul to the devil, you were strangledly excited to see your closest friend again. 

✧ When it seemingly didn't work, Madison left without both you and Zoe. Zoe hid behind you when Kyle came to life and attacked the security guard. No matter what you tried to do, he wouldn't let go of you. He only aimlessly grunted and kept his hands securely around you. He held you desperately, animalistically. It was like it was the only thing he remembered how to do. Which is strange because you only cuddled with Kyle—well,  a lot, actually, now that you think about it. 

✧ You had to stay with Misty when you tried to drop him off to get healed. He had an entire breakdown and nearly destroyed her shack because you tried to leave him. You told Zoe to just brush off your disappearance by saying that you were visiting a relative in town. If anybody had a problem with it, they could kiss your ass for all you cared. You had Kyle back. His health is all that matters to you.

✧ You managed to slip back to the academy while both were asleep. You managed to use a sleeping spell you had learned to cure your insomnia. Only you made it much stronger, so neither would be aware of your absence until you had already left. You weren't aware of Zoe's plans to bring Kyle back to his mother— If you can call her that. You also weren't aware of how distraught he was when he woke up, and you weren't in his arms. Neither Misty, nor Zoe, nor the person who birthed him could calm him down. He was worriedly grunting the entire time. He paced and searched around every corner of whatever he could touch to find you. He looked like a lost puppy, walking in circles in search of his owner.  

✧ Post-death Kyle has an oral fixation. He's like a toddler. Anything that can fit in his mouth will go in it. That includes you. He likes gently nibbling or just licking your skin. It gives him a sense of comfort and security. It also lights up that part of his mind that reminds him of when he gave you hickeys once. The first time Fraken Kyle accidentally gave you one, he was both pleased and freaked out. After you assured him that you were okay, he kept doing it. You have to teach him not to give you hickeys and small bruises. He doesn't listen. As long as it isn't hurting you physically, he'll continue to do it. Not because his mind is muddled, but because he's just that possessive over you. It's a way to mark you as his. The more primitive part of his brain needs that; it needs you to be his. 

✧ He has a multitude of issues with his body and the way it is. He often cowers away from you when he is naked and does his best to cover himself up. His fingers awkwardly trace the scars and the tattoos. He tries to tear his flesh off because he hates it so much. It isn't his body, quite literally. Frat boy Kyle never did anything like that. You even think that sometimes he flaunted his body to you on purpose. No, now you have to be the one to gently coax him out of his shell. With each kiss and loving word, another one of those mental wounds is being stitched up and healed. 

✧ All of those issues became especially clear when you rushed to Kyle's previous home. Zoe had already gotten there before you. You both found what was left of his mother on the carpet. It made you furious to think of what would have caused Kyle to have a reaction like this. He came into his old room whining like a starved animal. He was sobbing and could only utter two words over and over again. 'No leave, no leave, no leave.' Zoe was horrified at the scene of Kyle's dead family member. She went to go cook you all something, and you were just stuck with Kyle. Not that you minded. You almost felt a little possessive of him now—overprotective. He's still himself, and yet he's different now.  

✧ He refused to wash off the blood without you. Post-death Kyle always does that. You think it's because he believes you protect him from the mental scars that his mother gave him. It's partly that, but it's also partly something else. There are still parts of this brain that work and are able to scheme. He just wants to feel your body close to his. He just wants to take care of you. Just like before the accident. He doesn't consciously understand why he is doing this. He just knows that it has to be this way. It's like there are two different Kyle's pulling at his new version of him: the yandere one and the traumatized inner child of his.

✧ He pulls you in a lot of directions. He does it harshly if you don't want to go with him. He'll just haul you around as well. You are standing one moment, and the next you are being bridled by Kyle down the street. You both left Zoe, and you couldn't convince him to go back, much less get out of his vice grip. For an undead man, he sure gained a lot of strength. 

✧ He brought you both to an abandoned arcade, which the both of you would hide in sometimes. The owners couldn't pay rent, so they closed up shop. They left everything there, so people often broke in to steal parts from the machines and fool around. He vaguely remembered the place. His mind cannot remember exactly memories and reasons but feelings. This place felt good, and his old house felt bad. So he took you here, and now he feels perfect.

✧ His speech is basically nothing in the beginning. As time goes on, he develops a greater ability to communicate his words. That's why you often end up reading his mind instead. It's like wading through the swamp that Misty lived in. His mind has three different tracks: feelings, broken thoughts, and future actions. All three clash with each other because they are in various stages of regaining normalcy. He thinks in broken sentences, and sometimes it feels like he knows that you are able to read his mind. With things he seemingly doesn't want you to know, he whispers them within his mind. They get lost in translation. It's like that fog in his mind is purposely keeping you away from certain actions, thoughts, or feelings he has.

✧ His mood is dependent on your mood. You first learned this when you brought him back to the academy. You locked both him and yourself in your room. You couldn't hold back the tears, and you broke down. You were just so fucking sick of everything. Sick of this house. Sick of the other witches. Sick of your powers. You just wanted the Kyle you knew back. They just went and revived him—he wanted to be an engineer. Now he's a Frakenstines monster built back with the parts of his shitty frat brothers. You guys didn't even label what you had.

✧ You were so busy crying that you didn't realize Kyle was sobbing as well. He had curled up next to you and just started crying. When you stopped, he slowly quieted down. He brought you into an awkward cuddle on the dusty floor of your room. You almost wanted to laugh. Kyle was always like that. If you were crying, he'd pick you up in a hug and start humming something from Toto or Nirvana. He'd make really bad jokes and show you silly faces. It almost mirrored now. Kyle was trying to do something to a silly face. It looked more like he was gonna start growling at you. It made you chuckle a bit. Even now, he could make you feel better.

✧ That was only one way in which he mimicked your moods—mimicks you. He's much more prone to outbursts when you are angry or frustrated. If you slam your palms on the table out of irritation, he'll do the same. Only he'll accidentally break the table. That's happened more times than you'd care to admit. The coven is going to need a separate fund to just pay for the stuff Kyle breaks. 

✧ Your habits and routine are what also help him regain some of his independence. He watches you with a keen eye. He imitates most everything you do. Of course, his actions are clumsy, and sometimes he breaks things, but he still tries his best. Frat Kyle would do that as well to tease you. He'd tease you out of bad habits such as biting your nails or forgetting to drink water. He nearly shoved a water bottle down your throat during your study hall when you casually confessed to him that you hadn't drank anything all day.

✧ That's the thing about people, right? They always surprise you. Zoe knocked you out and dragged Kyle down to the greenhouse to chain him up. She did. Madison returned. It's like death means nothing to these people. All of those memories with Kyle are yours. He remembers those feelings he had for you. Which is why it's so hard for you to be around him. He's just someone who needs someone. That someone just happened to be you.

✧ It's a good thing that little miss 'I'm going to save him' didn't kill him down there. He probably would have killed her if she really tried. He escaped and ran up to your room. He refused to move from your body until you woke up. You were the one put in charge of caring for him. Well, nobody else really could. You are the only one who is able to untangle his mind. You could still see Kyle in there. You saw almost every part of him. Everybody around him just took, took, took. You're the only one he'd let take from him anymore.

✧ He developed a habit of touching your temples whenever he wanted to really, really tell you something or communicate. It was kind of cute. He looks up at you with those doe eyes and just concentrates really hard on thinking correctly. When you respond, he lights up and bounces on the balls of his feet. It was cute until it wasn't. Sometimes the thoughts you heard from him kept you up at night.

'Kill everyone... for... you. You mine. Like before. Remember?'

'Steal stuff of yours. Keep it. Home. You.'

'Massage you like before. When sleeping. Adorable— adorable sleeper.'

'Scars. Scars like mine. Hurt you. Scars like mine. All get scars like mine.'

'Party together. Two. Us. Booze. Ex-boy dead. Me. Did it. So party. Us. Two. Only.'

✧ You didn't truly understand why he would think those things or act this way. You did understand it a little the day Zoe and Madison tried to make him a glorified sex doll. At that point, not even glorified. You knew all the things Kyle had been through. You constantly have heard his mind. When Madison started touching him like that the earth trembled beneath you, quite literally. The entire state shook. You may or may not have accidentally absorbed some of Kyle's emotions. So when Madison did that you just about wanted to tear her head off. Kyle gave you a scared, confused look.

'Good feeling? Bad feeling? Help, please.'

She was lucky to have been revived from the dead once. You were itching to put her back under. That scared you, but it also made you feel safe. Kyle always stood up for you when people made you uncomfortable. You never really had the chance to do it for him because he wouldn't let you. When you absorbed his feelings you really felt him. It was intoxicating. It's safe to say Kyle put his fingers on your temple and asked you a lot of questions about that encounter.

✧ Kyle asks a lot of questions. It's part of you teaching him how to remember himself. Some of those things are best left not remembered. Some of the questions are appropriate and some of them are not. You still remember him asking if you two ever did it. He asks a lot of questions about all of the witch and magic stuff. It is what he was most curious about before he died. After all, you just disappeared on him. He almost killed himself because of that. He ended up dead anyway. The irony is lost on him, but not on you.

'Magic? You?'

"I can read minds, remember? That's how we communicate. I've also learned that people's emotions affect me. I can make people feel things— or use their energy to make things happen."

'Like—'

He had a breakdown after that. He remembered you being taken from him. He would never let that happen again. Never.

✧ He's territorial, in case you couldn't tell. He isn't exactly the master of subtly. He grunts and smacks anyone in the house that gets too close to him, except you. He holds everything he loves close to him, including you. He has a bad habit of murdering people you interact with. You'd tried to explain it to him, but he adamantly refused to stop. You aren't naive about what all of this means for you. He isn't exactly in the condition to keep his darkest secrets away from you, mostly. Still, your abilities connect you with his emotions. You can't entirely control it. So you need to be around him just as much as he needs to be around you. You do your best to get him to stop killing people. You truly do. It's just that doe-eyed expression he gives you that makes you give into him every single time. 

✧ The tablet you gifted him is the thing he is second-most territorial about. He always keeps it with him. He watches it when it's on the charger. You gave him a protective covering for it and a bag so he could carry it around. It's like his safety item. You have a bunch of games on there to help him learn. You also downloaded things that he liked before his death. You have an entire album of just you and him on that thing. Every time he sees you, he wants to take a new picture of you to put in the album. It makes him remember a little bit more.

✧ He traces the outline of your figure in every photo. You've caught him kissing his tablet with a picture of you on it more times than you'd like to admit. He always gives you this kind of blank but dopey smile afterwards. His pupils are always dilated around you, so it kind of makes him look like he's high. You don't know if the pupil thing is because of his resurrection, something with your magic, or if he is just that obsessed with you. He is just that obsessed with you.

✧ He also decorated the bag you got him with cloth markers. It was an exercise you did to help him with his fine motor skills. It was relaxing until he drew himself with both of you holding hands while everything was on fire around you. That was what you understood of the drawing anyway. You still let him keep it on there. He doesn't let anyone else touch the bag. Nan tried to touch it once, and he nearly bit her fingers off.

✧ You have to teach him to be gentle with others. He's gentle around you, but with anyone else, he has a very high chance of breaking one of their bones. You start off with animals first. They are less confrontational than humans and are genuinely easier to get alone with. Only he snaps the dog's neck and most every other animal you try to introduce to him. He only stops when he sees you getting upset. His mind immediately filled with shame in those moments. 'No. You plus me. No animals. Sorry. Love you.'

✧ He has a tendency to watch you at night. Just like he secretly did before all of this happened. He crawls into your bed and plays with the strands of your hair. He wraps himself around you tightly. Most of the time, he is the big spoon. He just likes placing his head over yours. He is obsessed with listening to your breathing and the beating of your heart. It reminds him that you are still with him.

✧ He 100% kills any witch hunter within any radius of you. If he hears anything with the word 'witch hunter', he is off searching for that person. Part of him doesn't want to murder, but the other part of him is more than eager to get rid of the person who wanted the coven harmed. He still mostly protects you, but after awhile, he learns to grow a bit more protective of the people you actually like in the coven. He doesn't want to see you in any distress. So protecting those close to you counts. In a dangerous situation he will still save you first. Even though you are more than able to handle yourself, Kyle still does it for you.

✧ Madison still absolutely cannot stand your relationship and close proximity to Kyle. She believes that it should be her who loves him. During the test of concilium, she tried to make Kyle kill you. You sensed something in his brain shut off at that point. That scared inner child was angry, and so was his violently obsessive side. It's like his need for you outweighed any other thought Madison could put in his mind. He didn't kill her then. He waited until she failed. Then he stalked into her room, and well, they never found her body. On some level, everyone knows it was Kyle, but it's left unsaid. That's just one of the many secrets of Kyle's that you will keep with you to the grave.

✧ You may not have completed all of the seven wonders, but you did become one of the new witches on the Witch Council. With Cordelia's blessing and a yandere, semi-functioning Kyle, you both set out across the world to find witches and bring them to safety within the academy's doors. The question remains: will he allow you to do so? Or is his docile behavior just a ruse to hide you away and make you permanently his?

.ೃ࿐ -ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- .ೃ࿐

⟿ taglist: @coentinim @bluerthanvelvet444 @cxndiedvi0lets @doll3tt33 @lacucarachapisser

.ೃ࿐ -ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- .ೃ࿐

[jafsisomni]

Because I just had to.

Something something,

"George quietly made his way over to his driver's room, trying not to lose control of his breathing because he already almost fainted during the debrief, almost had another panic attack and made yet again a fool of himself, almost cried about disappointing toto, Lewis, the team and everyone else in the paddock. Closing the door by himself and leaning back against it, he stared blankly ahead of himself, distracted by the floor seemingly swaying and feeling dizzy with the weight of everything that has happened all over the day, all over Qatar, all over the week, all over the whole fucking year.

was it not enough that he tried his best all the time? Was it not enough that he spent longer than anyone else on the paddock, every single day, night in and morning out? Is it not enough yet that he has barely gotten any sleep in the past few months, but nobody seems to care and yet he tries to hold himself within and not let it all spill and say something he'll just end up regretting and because he doesn't wanna hurt or harm anyone else like that? Is it not enough that he tries his best to talk to all the drivers and the people working behind the scenes, get their opinions and not make them uncomfortable or undermined? Is he perhaps too overbearing when he asks about how their days were, Is it a lot to constantly say hello whenever he gets the chance, is it rude to try to talk to each of them privately and respectfully, trying to be as inclusive and understanding as he could manage to be whenever it's required he gets their opinions on something? Is it too faced if he's calm about things when explaining them in the meetings, is it disrespectful if he doesn't raise his voice enough to be properly heard while talking to one mechanic or engineer instead of the whole room all at once during debriefs? Is it unsettling if he pronounces too slowly, maybe he should try to speak more quickly? He remembers as a media new intern girl once shyly asked him to slow down because her english wasn't that good either, during his first week this year, he hopes she's not upset because she's doing such an amazing job?

He wonders if its too faced to want to keep each and every driver's opinion and confidently opinionated talk he'd been trusted with, within the confines of their shared space, a mental space between two people where everyone involved feels comfortable-- wonders if lando is still upset he called the move a little bit reckless in the media pen god knows how many months ago, wonders if he still feels upset about feeling like he's not enough until George held him all through the night, never once taking a moment to breathe through his own dnf. If Alex is still upset with him because he doesn't talk to him as much anymore, hasn't since last summer break, but george promises he's always trying, taking more time out of his own sleep to text the other driver and check up on him, wonders if charles still hates him for the change that wasn't even his to decide, still blames him (by accident, is what he tells himself) for being closer to everyone than they all realise, wonders if franco is still as scared and overwhelmed by it all, up until he cried in his arms during that talk, wonders if logan hasn't called him yet because he wants nothing to do with george after he kept their friendship private and didn't showcase it to the public, and decided he didn't want someone like george around anymore in his life, wonders if Oscar still feels hesitant voicing opinions out as much as he does with either lando or himself.

He sincerely hopes max still isn't mad at him. He hopes max doesn't want to yell anymore about a stupid worthless penalty anymore either. He prays the other man doesn't hate him as much as he told the media he did now, tries not to cry as he remembers everyone going quiet the moment max snapped at him mid meeting and told him to just shut up because he isn't doing anything, would never be anywhere like seb,and that he hated him. Tries not to throw up as he remembers the email, as he remembers almost losing it in front of ola when he asked if george was alright, despite having won, tries not to throw up as the pounding in his head suddenly grows far too strong to be withstood and george finds himself stumbling away from the door in his haste to get away, get out, do something, anything- Just to stop it all and have a single moment of quiet, but he doesn't get the chance to as the door slams open and the force of the sound makes him see dark spots before he notices a figure he could barely make out until someone's talking to him and he suddenly realises it's toto and panics because he's just so,so sorry he'd spoken too much, gone too far and said too much to the media earlier, spilled open far too much and the next thing he knows amidst the fog his name is being called as another figure, he thinks, makes his way in in a rush as more white spirals into his vision and it all goes black and dull and quiet."

something something ;).

@tyremanagementsupremacy

@autumn816

@russelliv (bec i adore u)

@russilton (bec i also adore u and admire u lots)

@dellovestorant (not sure if u even like rpf but I like ur blog sooo)

@georgegraphys (same thing)

@grbambi63 (once again, the same thing ahaha)

[asummersday]

Share some more ROTTMNT headcanons?

the hamatos have movie nights and board game nights. there’s no schedule for them, sometimes someone will go “movie night tonight?” or will text the gc “board games? i’m feeling some murder mystery tonight” and that’s how it goes. everyone participates. even splinter, and he complains but only to put on a show. he enjoys it. they play uno, clue, game of life, they play new and old games, play the ones they like more often, and throw out ones that suck. donnie has a spreadsheet for it (of course he does). mikey and splinter, surprisingly, are fucking RUTHLESS during monopoly. the wins are always tied between the two and that one time leo won by complete accident (thats what he says. donnie doesn't believe him ONE BIT because his twin is a lying liar who lies). everyone loves monopoly just because the chaos and the backstabbing is the most entertaining part.

mikey had a “copy everything donnie does/eat/likes” phase and leo had a “copy everything raph does/eat/likes” phase. (i am a firm ‘leo is the younger twin’ truther)

april an leo are face mask and skin care routine besties. she’s the reason he even KNOWS what both of these things are. she’s also the reason he even makes his dumb puns, because SHE makes them (and 9y/r leo was smack in the middle of his ‘copying his big bro’ phase. it extended to april, who basically became his big sister). donnie constantly tells her he still has not forgiven her for that (jokingly)

Lou Jitsu was ABSOLUTELY Sexiest Man Alive at one point i'll tell you that

donnie’s eye starts twitching when he’s annoyed (mostly when leo annoys him). it happens so often that it starts twitching when leo isn't even in the same room and donnie will go “leo's doing something stupid again”

leo doesn't fall asleep easily but when hes a sleep my mans ASLEEP. nothing can wake him up. hes usually a light sleeper but when he hasn't slept in 3+ days and passes out at 12:30pm on the couch? he's literally dead to the world. his brothers take FULL advantage of this. stacking food/objects? yes. drawing on his face/arms/legs etc? for sure. mikey paints his shell sometimes. he once painted all of starry night without leo waking up once.

raph is wary of cass when she first joins, but when they find how many interests they share, they become almost instant best friends. they're inseparable and hang out all the time its amazing. everyone is terrified of them because they've seen how violent their sparring sessions get.

mikey watched lilo and stitch when he was like 5 and instantly zeroed in on the whole ‘voodoo spoon’ thing and tries to do the same thing. his dad and raph are extremely concerned (and slightly off-put. mikey was a weird child)

when he was younger, he had a terrible case of separation anxiety. it gets better as he grows older, and then comes slamming back full force after the krang. if his brothers aren’t in his immediate sights, he will just. panic. it takes… too long for him to stop having panic attacks when he wakes up and one or two of his brothers aren’t present (especially leo. he latches onto leo the longest after. it takes nearly as long as leo’s recovery does for mikey to be able to sleep without leo in the same room)

splinter, the old sap, actually has hundreds of pictures of his boys growing up. so much that he has dozens of photo albums spanning the years. you can tell exactly when april shows up in their lives because one day she’s not there at all and the next its like he got a fifth kid. he loves leafing through them on occasion, reminiscing and definitely not crying. not all the albums survived the shredder, but enough did to still recount the years. after the invasion, splinter moves the albums from his room and into a shelf in the living room. (hes caught his kids more than once poring over the books, either alone or huddled together on the floor. he always leaves, allowing them this moment alone.)

[obliqueblade]

Update- Health Concerns/Inspo/ rambling a bit

“So Oblique where have you been?” 

That is a great question reader. The truth is complicated… and rather long. 

Not to be like “ao3 writer moment” but… 

I have cancer. Had it for a while actually. I got diagnosed right at 20, but I had symptoms for a while before that. We had thought it was just my asthma acting up, but nope. 

I have lung cancer. Wooo. 

Funnily enough, about a month or so later, Technoblade released his announcement video. 

It was strange. Knowing that while I was going through treatment, someone I looked up to across the country was doing something similar. I remember watching that video hooked up to my oxygen machine, and feeling a pit in my stomach when he had mentioned being able to see where it was. While I don’t have Sarcoma, most cancer patients, especially those in the ward knew what that meant. 

I made a joke though, that none of my doctors, or friends really appreciated. Statistically, I would die before he did, so I at least wouldn’t have to live in a world without him. 

… clearly, this did not go the way I had hoped. 

Off and on for that year, I was in and out of the hospital in Clevland, Ohio. Now this is not where I live normally, but it was close to my grandparents. I also found out how much I hated snow. Moreso, when your lungs also hate it and you at the same time. 

“Oh, Oblique, just how common is lung cancer in your early 20s?” 

Why dear reader another GREAT question! The answer is- it’s not. Or the early signs are easy to miss. I was one of the youngest patients at CC frequently, and one of the only ones with lung cancer during my stay. We were able to catch it so quickly because my step moms brother had CF, so my mom spent a lot of time in hospitals around people who couldn’t breathe. After the first few times, I couldn’t catch my breath, no matter what I did she wanted me to go and get tested to find out what it was since it was clearly worse than just asthma. We knew it wasn’t CF, because they would’ve found that earlier. Ruled out pneumonia pretty quickly too as it was the middle of summer. My FP happened to think to test cancer, just in case. My Dad and I had laughed, it was such a long shot it was more likely I was just having pretty frequent panic attacks. Now I knew deep down it wasn’t panic attacks and my mom did too, but the C-word was terrifying. 

And then we got the tests back. I knew as soon as he walked in, hell I knew when they did the tests, and yes there are multiple. 

I asked my mom to leave the room, My Dad hadn’t been able to come in that day with us, and I needed to talk to him about how long he thought I had. 

He didn’t reply for a while, and I’ll never forget the look on his face. 

At the time of my diagnosis, I was 19. Statistically, the chance of living to see my 24th birthday was almost impossible. 

Doc pretty much told me that IF I could survive the next 7-12 months without the cancer spreading to my other organs my chances were pretty good. I’d later find out that the chances of it spreading were so high, and if it ever does the chances that I make it almost none. However, even once I passed every year after would be considered a miracle if I got past five. 

He went into the next room and talked to my mom for a while, while I tried to wrap my head around everything. Just how quickly my life had changed. How fast it was all going to happen. What finally broke me, was my youngest sister texting me from one of her middle school classes asking me how it was going. Realizing I’d never get to see her graduate, take her on girls' days, help her through heartbreak, watch her get married. 

At that moment it felt like the cancer had already killed me. It had stolen not only my life but my place in the lives of my family. Doc and Mom came back in at some point during my breakdown and sat with me. 

We didn’t leave that office for a while. When we did, I told my mom that I wanted to be the one to tell my Dad and sister before we talked about where we were going to go. 

So that night after dinner, we sat at the kitchen table, and I simply said 

“This air quality seems to be so shitty, that my lungs have decided to refuse work,” 

And my mother broke into tears, and my dad and sister stared at me like I was crazy. Which I kind of felt I deserved to be. Once we had cleared up the confusion, my dad asked me the same question I had asked the doctor. 

I told him that realistically he was going to have to rely on either my older or younger sister to wipe his ass when he couldn’t do it anymore. I was trying really hard to make light of the situation because I didn’t want everyone to be sad before I died. There would be plenty of time for it afterward anyway. 

Maybe that’s another thing I recognized from Techno’s initial video. Trying so hard to make sure that no one was worried despite knowing what was going to happen. And even though I think deep down a lot of us at least feared, the concept was so ridiculous and insane. How could someone like him just… 

On the day of the announcement, I saw Dreams tweet before the YouTube notification came through. 

I sat in my hospital bed playing Minecraft on the PC I had finally saved up enough to get, and I was on the phone with my best friend back in my home state. All I can remember is saying “Please. Please don’t let it be who I think it is. Please don’t let it be.” The last thing I remember hearing was my friend say “Oh ____ I am so sorry.” 

I hung up the phone and just sobbed. I ripped out my IV and heart monitor culled into a ball on the floor and just lost it. It didn’t take long before my nightly nurse ran into the room and they eventually had to sedate me. 

I woke up a few hours later, and for a moment I thought I had dreamed it. Yet I saw my mom in my room and I knew that I hadn’t. She had started working remotely due to COVID-19 and her job was letting her continue to remote in so she could come to Ohio with me and stay between the hospital and my grandparent's house. My dad would drive, and while Ohio was closer than some of the other hospitals this is still an 8+ hour drive every other week with my sister and stay with me. 

I had actually been doing pretty well at this point. Due to my age, and the fact my cancer had not spread yet, I was a really good candidate for surgery. However, there are underlying health conditions and risks that have to be monitored and dealt with before they can do the surgery. They had to give me enough time between treatments so I still had the strength to survive the surgery. 

When the video was released, I finished up another round of medications, this time ones that showed promising effects and weren’t damaging to my strength so I would survive the surgery. 

After the video came out, my mental health dipped hard, and fast, and my physical health soon followed. Then one of my best friends as the center passed. She was three months younger than me. She had leukemia, and the doctors had been amazed she had lived as long as she had since she had it since she was a kid. They thought she was in remission in her teens, but she relapsed pretty hard right before she turned 19. Halfway through my stay there, she had taken a dip, and her health hadn’t been able to recover. 

At that moment I wanted to die. I couldn’t see a point in living, of fighting, when the time I bought through these treatments maybe would last a few years. My doctors essentially had to rework my treatment plan and appeal to my parents that if they wanted me to live, they needed to have me fight for it. 

So much as those days where my family would come in and beg me to try and fight I just didn’t have it in me. I couldn’t see a life for myself anymore. Now some people may look at that and think it's dumb, like “Oh some guy you never even met, someone who didn’t even know you existed, died and now you’ve decided to just die?” 

Well first off rude. Secondly, I was already suicidal, and you’ll find it’s extremely common for patients with life-threatening diseases to need therapists constantly because they have extreme suicidal tendencies. Also, I want to state that yes I am referencing Techno a lot in this, but know that I am remarking about his passing and how it affected me, I am not doing so as a way to blame or hate him. Obviously, I cannot claim to know what or how he was feeling in those last few months, but I do know that we don’t get a choice when cancer kills us. 

It isn’t up to us. 

Hell, maybe no one is even reading this, maybe I dyed typing it up, or before I posted it. The point is I don’t want some moron to read this and think “Wow attacking a cancer patient, Oblique whatever is next?” 

Dear lord this thing is four pages now, alright to quickly wrap up on why and how I’m back. 

Just before all this went down, I had gotten into Hermitcraft. Now back when I was growing up and living under different circumstances, I wasn’t allowed internet access, so I missed out on a lot in the mid-2010s, one of which being Hermitcraft and well Minecraft as a whole. 

Anyway, I found specifically GoodtimeswithScar and Grian. 

Now, I do watch other Hermits, but at this time I watched these two the most. I never used Twitch before, and while I still don’t really like the platform I loved watching Scar stream. 

Scar, actually, was the reason I got determined to at least try and fight this damn cancer. 

See, before this, I didn’t know about Scar’s illness. I didn’t know he was in a wheelchair and I didn’t know he was on oxygen tanks either. So the first stream I got to watch, lying in my hospital bed, hooked up to about a million blinking machines, I opened it to see someone else wearing oxygen tubes. Someone who was also hooked up to a million different things. Yet, Scar could create some of the most beautiful things I had gotten to see while stuck in that room. It was like he weaved pure magic through the screen. 

So, I came to the conclusion that what the hell. If I died so would my memories. The things I’ve seen and people I’ve met, all of it would go with me. And if there’s one thing I learned from Techno, is that “... the Sun Kast fallacy wouldn’t allow it,”. 

So, we restarted my treatment plan. Eventually, we did the surgery and after making sure I was stabilized and showed no signs of infection, or that the cancer was making a comeback right away they allowed me to be transferred home. Right in time for that good ol’ Southern heat. 

Now, I still have to regularly go to the hospital, as well as wear my lovely little oxygen tubes around, and take PLENTY of drugs (OMG so many cotton mouth is REAL), but not to jinx anything I’ve been doing fairly well these past few weeks. 

Of course, this can change in an instant, and I have to be extremely careful, especially due to Covid (Seriously guys if someone coughs on me I might as well get into the coffin now.) 

As for why I decided to write this fic? Well, in a way the Hermits helped me live. Helped my parents not have to bury one of their kids. Helped me see my sister start high school. Helped me reach my 21st birthday. 

19-21. 

Three years down. 

Realistically, I know there’s going to be a day I get the results that not only is the cancer back, but that it has spread. I know this. And I also know that when that time comes I will have to accept that and move forward as I can. I may never be as great as Alex, and I don’t want to be, but I want to be like him in that I will accept and try to easily go when it’s my time, knowing that I did all that I could. 

In the meantime, I might as well leave something for the small part of the world that I can. 

If and when my updates stop, I’ll leave a message for my friend on how to log into my Tumblr so she can at least give you guys some closure. 

Take care, and I will see you when I see you, Readers! 

Update:

So originally, this was going to be posted on the 13th– clearly, that didn’t happen. I had a minor health setback. Bacteria truly is my greatest enemy. I got sent back to the hospital and then saw my specialist on the 13th and a whole new wave of antibiotics. I’m still in the hospital being monitored, which is kinda like every few hours someone comes in and pokes me so I can never sleep. 

Which ya know is fun. 

So I got my roommates to bring my laptop under the guise of doing school work but in reality, I just wanted better access to edit because that’s hard to do on my phone. 

Anyway, I’ll keep you guys posted. Chapter 2 should be posted within the next week or so health providing. Knock on wood.

[sunny6677]

LILA KINSONA IN TT RAMBLE TIME

(Orrr describing what I think would happen if my sona was in place of Lila during Spooky Month)

( @mayisgoingnuts )

Okay so I'm gonna refer to her in the third person for this one since it feels kinda weird to use first person, but I may switch between back and forth jfndnd.

So knowing me and my anxious ass, Sunny probably would have heard about Bob a few months prior and obsessively thought about it. She probably would consider not letting her son trick or treat this year at all because she doesn't want him to get killed—but she'd probably feel guilty at the sight of seeing Skid sad and would decide to maybe think about it a little more. Anddddd thinking about it Sunny probably still wouldn't let him go but Skid still needs to leave for plot reasons. So maybe while Sunny is sleeping, Skid ends up fuckin bookin it out of the house or sneaking out—or Sunny reluctantly decides on the last day of October to let someone she trusts watch over Skid and Pump, but would start to panic the moment he left.

As for the first scene Lila has with Bob—Sunny would probably notice him outside and just go dead quiet while looking at him—she'd probably just kinda stand there for a few more seconds before immediately closing the blinds, making pretty damn sure that the door is locked. And then for the telephone scene, she'd probably call Jaune (who my partner has a kinsona of, and who also IS the Jaune in this scenario) in a panic while practically dragging the box to the floor and sitting as low to the ground as possible to be absolutely sure no one sees her. Unsure of why I'd call my partner for help rather than the police but my irrational thoughts tend to make me very panicked sometimes./lh

(Really quickly I imagine my partner, Aaron and Sunny would be in a poly relationship with Sunny not holding any romantic feelings for Aaron—but I'm unsure if it'd happen at this point yet since I kinda want our kinsonas to have the same lil best friends to lovers romance we had lol/lh)

Either way, when Bob somehow presumably breaks in either by breaking the lock or busting the window open, Sunny probably screams and scrambles the fuck out of there (I wouldnt even think about candy or dancing lmfaoo). She probably considers going to the attic to hide, but then realizes that she could possibly use a knife or something in the kitchen as she's running past—so she runs back briefly just to grab one and runs faster because Bob is even closer now.

Bob probably almost grabs her at some point—which causes her to turn back in a panic and slash his face in with the knife she just took. Then as she's distracted she probably almost runs to the attic, but for some reason thinks it'd be way to obvious that she went up there, so she goes to hide in a nearby narrow corridor. Which.. appears to work for some reason, seeing as he goes to check the attic. And once he does, Lila sneaks past it while on the brink of a panic attack, and goes back to where she left the telephone to frantically call the police, but then notices her actual phone in the living room. So she goes to grab it and then runs outside to (text Jaune that shes fine first and—) call the actual police.

When she finishes doing this, she probably tries to get the help of anyone on the sidewalk nearby, or probably already does catch the worry of other people because she's panicking her whole brain out right now. But either way as someone is trying to calm her down or as someone is trying to do something about the situation, John & Jack show up and she tells them about the entire thing in a frenzy. After trying to calm her down, they rush into the house, but of course he's not there. And while that does calm Sunny down a bit, she quickly panics because now she very much knows that Bob is out there.

So after a very panicked conversation with the police, she calls Jaune again—and because her mind is gonna give her the idea of running all the way out around town just to find Skid, she quickly tells Jaune that, but doesn't even let them offer to help at first since she doesn't want them to be endangered. But with enough convincing she agrees to let them—and just tells them to go to one specific part of town so they can meet with her there and go looking around. Sunny also briefly goes back, mostly just to bring a weapon incase they actually do run into Bob (like a gun for example, or a really heavy book since Sunny would own that instead of a ruler since she's a Author—not a architect).

And after a bit of off screen searching around town and getting increasingly more stressed out, Sunny probably breaks down conveniently before they actually find Skid & Pump since I have a habit of always breaking down just before something relieving happens. And as Jaune anxiously tries to calm her, they of course find the kids and Sunny probably sobs a bit while hugging Skid (and also tells Pump through sobs that they need to get him home too but is so panicked she can't explain why). Jaune probably tries to explain, but then Bob shows up like Jesus being revived on the third day, and Sunny backs the fuck up while still holding Skid.

Without thinking, Sunny yells for everyone to run and (yes she looks both ways for plot convenience) runs across the road with Skid in her arms while Jaune follows (carrying Pump). Sunny doesn't stop running and is about in the middle of the sidewalk when the police vehicle runs over Bob. Which causes her to only stop once she's at the end of the sidewalk, look on in horror at the scene and place her hand over Skids eyes. Jaune is probably freaking the fuck out on the other hand when the cops get out and are like "lol u good".

They're both questioned about if they want to sit in the car, and Sunny nearly considers not doing so because she doesn't want Skid to be anywhere near Bob's dead body. But out of exhaustion she agrees to it, and while sniffling, she quickly shuffled to the opposite side of the car and practically shoves herself inside as Jaune (and Pump) get in with them.

While talking with Jaune quietly and trying to make sure Skids actually okay—Bob of course gets up and tries to attack them while they're in the car. Knowing Jaune they'd probably be like "OH SHIT—" and go flying right in my direction. Sunny would scream her ass off, and practically drag Pump closer because of him being so close to the window. And while Bob is screaming, Sunny is probably about to actually rip out whatever useless weapon she brought with her until he gets shot yet again and falls down.

Sunny covers both her ears and Skids ears as gunshots go off, at least until it's over and the cops get in the car. Sunny practically begs to be taken home. But as John is trying to call Patty, Bob practically crawls onto the car—and in pure shock, Sunny can only hold Skid closer while screaming frantic suggestions of what to do. Jack, seemingly hearing the 'RUN HIM OVER—' option Sunny keeps screaming, angrily backs up and runs over Bob several times until he's finally dead.

The cops wait until medics arrive, and once they do, they drive off (with Sunny glancing out all the time even after they've driven several feet away already because she's that scared he'll come back to life again). Once they arrive at her house, she says bye to Jaune (most likely intending on calling them later) and thanks the cops briefly before heading inside.

She's so exhausted from what happened that she probably immediately goes to the couch, but when Skid asks how she used to enjoy Halloween, she probably doesn't give an exact answer for a few minutes (probably having already turned the TV on). But then decides to once she has enough mental strength since it may make her feel better anyway, and she tells Skid about a small grill she went to as a kid during Halloween. But when she realizes that the dude in the picture who eerily looks a lot like the actual guy who attacked her, she nearly panics for a second, but brushes it off at first—thinking she may just be overthinking things. But her mind starts to obsess over it and make it worse.

Sunny puts a movie on for Skid, who lays on her lap. But her thoughts become even worse, so she decides to text Jaune about it for emotional support, or texts one of her friends about it.

Andddd that's it for TT but if anyone wants to add their own kinsonas into the mix they can 👀

[believemetheodore]

Whether near or far

Ted Lasso x Rebecca Welton

Rebecca is missing. And Ted feels sick to his stomach.

Warnings: Angst with a happy ending, non graphic references to the death of Ted's father, mentions of alcohol, Rupert is mentioned, panic attack/ general anxiety (please let me know if you want me to add anything else)

Rebecca is missing. And Ted feels sick to his stomach. 

He does his best to nod along as Keeley relays what information she knows. She hasn’t been able to get ahold of Rebecca for almost 48 hours. Her phone goes straight to voicemail. She hasn’t been in the office, and she’s not at her house. Keeley’s obvious concern amplifies his own as she continues to speak. 

Keeley was already waiting in the car park when Ted and the team got off the bus, the first thing out of her mouth being, “Ted, have you heard from Rebecca?” His heart stopped. He had yet to hear from Rebecca. She had texted him to say good luck before their game against Southampton, followed by a congratulatory text and a goodnight later in the evening. That’d been 12 hours ago. 

He has so many questions he wants to ask, all of them on the tip of his tongue. But all Ted can manage to do is continue to nod along, and at this point, he can’t tell if it’s a polite confirmation or if it’s simply an attempt to shake the ringing sound from his ears. 

A glance over at Beard and Roy is all he needs to excuse himself for the rest of the day. His shirt collar feels too tight, and his backpack too heavy, but he doesn’t waste any time making his way toward Rebecca’s house. 

He calls her mobile once, twice, and three times. Each call goes straight to voicemail, and he fights back the wave of nausea that hits him each time he hits redial. The spare key Rebecca gave him months ago burns a hole in his pocket the closer he gets to her doorstep. He has no reason to think that he'll find anything other than what Keeley told him she'd found, an empty wine glass on the kitchen counter, her bed unmade, and each room as empty as the last. Still, part of him keeps hoping, pushing down his fear. 

Rebecca isn't home, and wherever she is she went in a hurry, or without care. Her purse and winter coat were left behind. His mind wanders to worst-case scenarios as he locks the door behind him, London’s icy weather hitting him like a wall. 

He hates this feeling. Memories of the time his son Henry broke his arm at school flood his mind. It was more than a year ago now, but there has never been a feeling worse than wanting to look after someone and not being able to. Only being able to see his little boy over facetime as he showed off his new cast broke his heart. And Ted can feel that familiar cracking beneath his ribs as he imagines the possibility of her being somewhere hurt or sick, and all alone.

Ted grapples with himself, fighting to keep Rebecca’s wellbeing at the forefront of his mind, making his way on foot around Richmond, stopping anywhere he thinks she might’ve ended up. He sees her well enough after all this time to know everything she does is for a reason. Rebecca wouldn’t just up and disappear without cause. Though, he can’t decide if that makes him feel better or worse about this situation. 

He calls her mother, but Deborah Welton can only confirm that Rebecca hasn’t been taken to the hospital, and isn’t hiding out in her childhood home. “Ted, sweetheart, don’t wear yourself thin fretting over Rebecca. She used to do this when she was a girl. Run away and hide for a while,” Deborah tries to offer her comfort, he can nearly hear her gentle smile, “She hid up in our attic for a whole week one summer, lived off of meals from a picnic basket I was leaving at the bottom of the stairs”. 

He likes the idea of young Rebecca being so stubborn. He likes the confirmation that she's always been tenacious, and fiercely independent. He can see the vein of shyness running through her, even in that childhood tale. It's a quiet nervous quality visible in her tendency to bury herself rather than feel as though she's burdening others. She's timid in her acceptance of affection of any sort. Though it's been a privilege to hop over those fences, and help break down some of those walls she built. 

He thinks about himself as a child. Probably just as hard-headed, persistent in his need to complete any task he'd set his mind to. He knows his habit of shutting down difficult feelings and deflecting from his own troubles has followed him into adulthood, and by golly if it hasn't come back to bite him in the butt. He's working on it. Rebecca makes it easier. 

Deborah’s words help slow his racing mind. He focuses on the positive: Rebecca has done this before, and she's more than likely safe. She'll be okay. 

“I’ll take your word for it,” Ted breathes out, “any idea where she might be now?” “She’s always been a mystery to me. But, wherever she is, it’ll be right under your nose. She never strays too far from home”. 

It's like the worst scavenger hunt he's ever been on. Doing what he needs to do to recall everything Rebecca has ever told him; trying to call to mind the tiniest details. He picks up the metaphorical pieces she's left behind, hints and clues she's sprinkled into their daily conversations, neither of them the wiser. He can only hope he's known her well enough, loved her well enough, to find her hiding spot. 

It's raining now, but Ted hardly notices the wet spots on his puffer jacket as he makes his way across the green, through winding cobblestone alleyways. Rebecca isn't in the pub, but Mae promises to let him know if she catches head or tail of her. 

His home isn't too far, and his feet carry him without instruction, his hands shoved in the pockets of his khakis. Ted runs over the last couple of weeks, trying, and to his dismay, failing to pinpoint any stressors that may have prompted Rebecca's sudden disappearing act. He can't remember her acting out of sorts. 

She seemed so calm, and decidedly content the last time he saw her. She had been curled up in bed with a smile across her sleeping face when he snuck out at 5 am to meet the team for their away game. But there must've been something he missed, a worry of hers he didn't hear, her insecurities creeping in. 

His stomach twists and he can feel nausea returning, his own past and regrets fueling his anxiety. Doctor Sharon has walked Ted through turning his life inside-out, upside-down, and backward. Helping him come to terms with all his lingering animosity, and misplaced guilt. Still, his mind continues to retrace those familiar steps on a downward spiral, drawing comparisons where there are none.

When his father died Ted spent a week in bed, staring up at the acoustic tile ceiling of his aunt's basement. Despite his anger and upset, Ted had been desperate to understand how he hadn't seen his father's death coming. Surely there had been red flags, or glaring warning signs he had missed. 

He never could put his finger on anything. Ted let his rage set in. Allowed his resentment to grow, and the tiny pit of guilt to make a home. Stole beer and liquor from the fridge for the rest of his senior year. He made his friends laugh, even if it was at his expense. College was much the same, though he did his best to slow down on the drinking, especially once Beard was in the picture. 

Ted had sworn he wouldn't let anyone get by him knowing that they might be hurting inside. He'd seen the pain Rebecca had on her shoulders the moment they met, and he'd helped her carry the load, shedding some of his own baggage along the way. But now it seems there's something he missed. 

He shakes his head again, wiping out the mental image of days gone by. He's starting to feel like an etch-a-sketch with all this shaking to erase business. 

He reaches his own doorstep, waving hello to familiar faces as they pass while he searches for his keys. He plasters on a bright smile, and hopes that it's enough to distract from the way his hands haven't stopped shaking. 

He takes the stairs up, slow and steady not certain that he trusts his legs to support him if he goes any faster. He's knees feel weak and he knows it's only a matter of time before he crashes to the floorboards. He's determined to make it into the privacy of his own flat first though. 

His backpack is abandoned by the door and he's quick to throw off his jacket, and shimmy out of his pullover. Jittery fingers fight the tiny buttons of his shirt collar, working them open to free his breath. 

His knees give out in the kitchen and he resigns himself to ride out the panic attack with his back to the kitchen cupboards. He's honestly just glad he made it home.

Ted focuses on his breathing exercises, breath stuttering when his anxious thoughts win out. 

People don't just run away to hide without cause. Rebecca and Ted have only really been together for a few months, though they'd both be fools to assume they haven't been in love far longer than that. It breaks his heart to think that maybe she didn't trust him enough to share her struggles with him. Maybe, like he was for Michelle, he's become too much to handle. Maybe it's him she's hiding from. He's not sure he'd blame her if that was the case. 

In for four. Hold for seven. Out for five. Ted forces himself to breathe the way Doctor Sharon had taught him. It takes a while, but it works. 

The sun is much lower in the sky by the time he regains feeling in his limbs, and the ringing in his ears stops. He needs to use the countertop to steady himself as he stands but feels surprisingly stable once he's at his full height again. There’s a bottle of whiskey in the living room calls to him, but he pours himself a glass of cold water instead. Logic prevails as Ted reasons that surely Deborah Welton is right. Rebecca likely hasn't gone far, and she'll re-emerge when she feels comfortable doing so; he decides he should be sober when she does. 

He’s on his second glass of water when he notices the cashmere cardigan draped over the arm of his sofa. A quick look towards the front door reveals the silver sneakers he walked right past in his state of panic. It’s his home, but he still tiptoes down the hall and up the stairs towards his bedroom. As expected there’s a human-sized lump under the navy blue duvet, curled up in the middle of the double bed. 

“Becca?” his voice is low as he crouches next to the bed. He resists the urge to reach out and touch her. Part of him is too afraid to scare her off, the rest still not entirely convinced she’s been here all along. 

She stirs, rolling over to face him, green eyes fluttering open. “Good morning,” she sighs. He can’t help the chuckle that leaves him, “Not quiet”. Rebecca’s brows furrow as she blinks herself awake. Ted’s face comes into focus, his eyes rimmed red. “You’re home early,” she says. 

He nods, “boys were ready to leave earlier in the morning than we expected. Traffic wasn’t bad”, Ted confirms. “Keeley said she couldn’t get a hold of you. You weren’t at home when she went to check either”. 

“I'm sorry,” she whispers. 

Normally the quiet tone is reserved for early morning mumbled affections, flirtations and dirty jokes; light and accompanied butterfly kisses or mischievous laughter. 

Now, she sounds frightened and ashamed. He can see the damage Rupert's talons left behind, the concessions she continues to pay. And Ted works to set aside the influx of his own emotions, waiting to hear her out before he reacts. 

She breathes deeply, her voice stronger when she says, “I didn't mean to worry you. I didn't think you'd be home until tomorrow morning”.

“You just wanted to hide for a while” Ted offers an understanding smile. His left hand reaching to help loosen the vice-like grip her right hand has on the duvet, “ain't nothing wrong with that”.

She shrugs. She wanted to hide. Overcome by an urge to run away. But, she could've gone anywhere. She could've booked a flight, or spent a month in the Mediterranean on her yacht. But, instead, she dug out the spare key that Ted had given her and snuggled herself down under his duvet. She thinks now that maybe she didn't want to get lost, but rather wanted to be found.

They agree to shower together. Washing away any lingering hurts or fears. Content to have their own moment completely alone. He helps her wash her hair, and she laughs when soap suds get stuck to his mustach, even more, when he adds more just to make her happy. She calls him silly, but he can hear the affection in her voice. He can feel it when she cups his cheek, their eyes meeting; her silent way of checking in. 

She puts her silk pyjama pants back on but steals one of her worn sleep shirts for the night. Ted tries not to read into it but allows himself to relax at the sight of her in his clothes; a reminder that she isn’t going anywhere. 

“I guess I should let your mom and Keeley know I’ve found you,” Ted smiles his usual little smile, much more himself now. “You called my mum?” He sets his phone down on his nightstand after shooting off the necessary texts. Neither of them wastes much time before slipping into bed together. Ted shrugs, “Figured she might know where you were hiding”. 

Rebecca hums. She doesn’t love how close Ted and her mum are, especially since her own relationship with the woman is still on the mend. But, the innocence and genuine nature of his reason for reaching out to Deborah settle her mind. His honesty reminds her Ted never has much to hide from her. 

“What did mum have to say?” “She said you’d probably be right under my nose,” Ted’s voice is muffled now as he nuzzles against her neck, “She was right”. “I just needed to get away. I feel safe with you. I suppose your flat was the next best thing”. 

In the morning they’ll talk about what had Rebecca all stressed out and jonesing for a place to hide. And, Ted will tell her about his panic attack, and how afraid he was when Keeley said Rebecca was missing. They’ll make plans for the future, and build a mental map to help them both navigate days like this should they come again. 

Tomorrow will be a day for understanding, clarity, and growth. They’ll learn to love each other better than they already do and shut down all unneeded apologies. 

But tonight, exhaustion wins out. Rebecca is at peace in Ted’s arms where she feels safest, the rest of the world held at bay. Ted finds sleep easy with the smell of Rebecca’s shampoo on his sheets, and her fingertips tracing patterns up and down his back. They focus on the moment they’re in. Loved, and in love, certain they’ll make it through this. Together. 

[queeniecook]

"I've Gotta Get Through This " - Part 1

Summer came to Windenburg. I kept going. Working. Harvesting. Whatever it took to make money. To make a life for myself and Cleo.

It paid off. I got promoted to Cat Video Creator, which was perfect for me. I had my very own muse at home. That level was fun for me.

I tried to go out and enjoy the night life when I could, especially since it increased my fame.

One night I walked into a bar and froze. I swore I saw Brandon. I almost had a panic attack as the guy turned around – turned out not to be him. I let out a huge sigh of relief. I wasn’t sure how I’d handle it if I ever saw him again. I didn’t want to think about it.

So I didn’t for a while. Eventually I wasn’t thinking about much of anything.

I vaguely remember fishing with some guy on the docks. I can’t even remember how I got there or how I got a fishing pole. But sometimes, details don’t matter.

To my surprise the guy from the docks texted me the next afternoon. After I had slept and taken aspirin. I guess I gave him my number the night before. He invited me to Sulani, to the beach. I actually agreed to go, despite not even knowing his name. Or despite not remembering his name.

He turned out to be pretty cool though. We built a sand castle, which was really fun. I found out his name is Paka’a Uha. And that he is a Conversalist for the island of Sulani.

We actually hung out until about dark. To my surprise, he was easy to hang out with. Ever since the whole Brandon thing, I had kept my distance from people. Even if I never saw Paka’a again, I was glad I hung out with him. Maybe it’d help me open myself up someday to having a friend or two.

Summer grew hotter and I made a little patio area for myself. I was really proud of it. Until a summer thunderstorm struck and wiped it out. Then I was sad. I was trying to figure out a way to relax after work. I had been promoted to Niche Broadcaster. It wasn’t as enjoyable as making cat videos. I also became a Rising Star. I knew if I was to handle all of it, I’d need to unwind at times. Stress could ruin a person.

So I tried cooking. Which ended up making me think about Brandon. So that was a no. Of course I still cooked to have something to eat. It just wasn’t for enjoyment.

I tried painting. “Oh gosh, that looks like crap.” Needless to say, I needed lessons. Thankfully, youtube is full of Bob Ross and his happy little trees.

I got attention from people once they passed by the confused lady at the art easel and realized who I was. I was starting to realize I had fans. It was weird to me. While I was trying to make money and succeed, I didn’t see myself as someone who would have fans. Guess I was wrong. Then again, if the Kardashians could have fans, why couldn’t I?

I slipped into an “exclusive” club. Not sure why it was exclusive when there was no one there, but anyway. I got a bowl of overpriced olives and a drink. I was hungry and thirsty. The bartender stared at me for a bit before leaving. I thought I was going to get kicked out, but I didn’t.

My video station broke down. I fixed it. Very slowly and very nervously. I thought I was going to get electrocuted. I couldn’t afford to hire a professional to do it. I was doing better, money wise, but I wasn’t that well off.

next ->

[aspenforest732]

Mortem ad Wrens Chapter 6: We’re All Gonna Be Safe, and We’re All Gonna Have a Great Time

Summary:

tw: Iv’s, medical trauma, flashback, anxiety attack, panic attack, child abuse mention, attack based on identity mention, harm done by public figure ‘text‘ is JSL Text is thoughts

Akira slowly became aware of beeping and the sound of an IV drip. Schooling their expression, they cracked their eyes and felt a flash of relief at seeing Recovery Girl’s office instead of a hospital. Their head thick with fog, Akira spotted a head of blonde hair to their left as Yamada slept over a heavily bandaged Aizawa.

“Oh good, you’re awake, deary,” Recovery Girl said softly. Akira still flinched at her presence, hating that they didn’t notice her approach. “You slept through most of Saturday. How are you feeling?”

Pushing through the odd delay of numbness, Akira signed. ‘Lower pain meds. Can’t feel anything, need to be aware.’ Akira tried to ground themself in their senses, but panic continued to rise as they mostly just felt numb and disconnected.

“Alright, can I touch you? I need you to calm down a little before I adjust anything.”

Akira rapidly shook their head, trying to get control of their breathing. Recovery Girl just looked at them sadly and moved to wake up Yamada while keeping an eye on Akira.

Akira distantly heard her say, “Hizashi, the poor kid has medical anxiety. I’m afraid you might be more help to them right now.”

Come on, you don’t need a limelight. Just fucking breathe, damn it! Akira curled their knees to their chest as a strange weight settled on it, and suddenly they were on the ground being crushed by the Nomu again. Time slowed as pain erupted in their chest and the rancid smell of the Nomu’s breath filled their nose.

Distantly, Akira felt something soft underneath their left hand and it felt like someone talking but blood was rushing in their ears. They frowned, that wasn’t right. Breath hitching, they gradually came back to awareness with the realization Yamada had their hand on his chest to follow his breathing. Jerking back, Akira stared with wide eyes as he let go and gently smiled.

“It’s alright, little listener. I know you didn’t want to be touched, but you were going to faint if you kept hyperventilating. I know Shou- Aizawa finds matching my breathing helpful when he has anxiety attacks.” He just kept up a soft but steady stream of words as Akira started to feel their senses return.

A little discomfort in their chest and burning in their left arm and neck were well worth presence of mind, and Akira held up a hand once they were grounded. ‘What I needed was to feel something, not to have my boundaries ignored. Instead of assuming, next time do what I ask,’ Akira signed harshly, lip curling and glaring at Yamada.

Flinching almost immediately, Akira took a shaky breath and schooled their expression into neutrality. They bit their lip and signed ‘how’ before cutting themself off, eyes downcast as they tensely waited for the limelight’s reaction.

“Aizawa is doing as well as he can be right now,” Yamada said after a moment, voice still soft. “It could’ve been a lot worse if you hadn’t stepped in as you did, so thank you.” He bowed, startling Akira.

They shook their head, eyes wide but shining with suspicion at his lack of reaction. ‘Anyone would’ve done it. I’ll do better.’

Yamada and Recovery Girl exchanged a worried look. She said, “Now, don’t you go looking for trouble, deary. What you did was reckless, and you could have been killed even with medical attention. That creature-”

‘Nomu,’ Akira finger spelled, shuddering. ‘They called it a Nomu.’

“Broke your sternum and four ribs, bruising more. Any of those could’ve punctured a lung, and you warping could’ve jostled them out of place. The gash almost hit an artery, and if Aizawa hadn’t canceled that disintegration quirk, you’d be dead. You got lucky, and I better not see you back here for being that reckless again,” she rebuked.

Akira shrugged, their eyes tired yet defiant. ‘I’m not going to stand by while people get hurt like- I won’t. I’m not going to die over something like this, I have plans.’

“Oh? And I suppose you think having plans gives you immunity to death?” Recovery Girl lifted her cane a bit to shake but lowered it as Akira flinched back.

Yamada smiled sadly. “Little listener, I get feeling invincible, like you can take on anything. It’s one of the perks and drawbacks of being young. But while you’re still learning at least, let us protect you.”

Akira scoffed but nodded to appease him.

“Get some rest, dearie. A detective will swing by tomorrow to get your statement if you’re feeling up to it, and we can help you update your emergency contact’s information. We’ll do one more healing session, and you should be able to leave tomorrow afternoon with some antibiotics to keep your lungs clear. If you’re still having difficulties after that, we can do another healing session after you’ve rested.”

Looking around, Akira realized they still had a hard time focusing properly on the objects in the room and there was a familiar growing pressure behind their eyes. Confused, they finally noticed a contact case on their bedside table. Shit.

The next day, Akira reluctantly let Recovery Girl use her quirk on their chest under the threat of having to stay in her office for a few more days if they refused. After some back and forth, she allowed Akira to put their contacts back in, relief surging as their distinctive neon purple irises and silver-rimmed purple pupils were covered. Their vision came back into sharp focus as their eyes adjusted back to what had become normal over the past two years. Shinso visited Aizawa while Midnight got an update from Recovery Girl, and at Akira’s raised eyebrow, he explained that Aizawa and Yamada were fostering him.

Akira nodded slowly then signed, ‘I’ll still keep my promise. Pros or not.’

Shinso snorted, waving off Yamada’s concern as he awkwardly sat by Aizawa’s bed. After a moment, Yamada let it go and started quietly updating the kid. Akira watched the interaction carefully, but despite Shinso’s uncertainty the other day, there weren’t any immediate causes for concern.

A couple hours later, Midnight left and brought Detective Tsukauchi back. Akira held back a sigh but was at least glad they didn’t have to deal with a heartrate-based quirk. The Detective’s quirk relied on verbal responses, so they wouldn’t have to worry about doing mental gymnastics while signing.

After introductions, Yamada sat closer, explaining he was Akira’s acting guardian while Aizawa was unconscious and their parents unreachable.

“Akira Mori is unable to verbally respond, so Present Mic will be interpreting for the record,” the Detective spoke into a recording device. “Mori, what do you remember about the attack at the Unforeseen Simulation Joint on Friday?”

Akira described what happened up to them blacking out, taking care to mention Shigaraki, Nomu, and Kurogiri. They stumbled over their words when describing what the Nomu and Shigaraki did.

“Why did you tell Ida to run at the start?”

Akira gave him an odd look. ‘The alarms didn’t go off, and the lights weren’t turning back on. Obviously, something electrical happened, and if it was blocking alarms, it was probably blocking communications. I didn’t have the reserves to make it back to campus, much less deliver a message, so Engine Calf was the next logical choice.’

“As a Warper, can you tell us anything about Kurogiri’s quirk?”

‘He’s… I’ve never seen anything like him. Kurogiri’s warp involved a fog surrounding us, but it was more like a sandstorm. He’s definitely a Mover/Shaker capable of warping people who come into contact with his quirk and has no apparent size limitation. He seems to have a body, but his quirk provides a great deal of resistance to weapons and can likely move quirk effects away.’

“Thank you, now I’d like to ask a few questions not pertaining to USJ.” At Akira’s hesitant nod, the Detective continued. “How are things going at home?”

Akira startled, glancing at Yamada before signing, ‘They’re fine. Why?’

“Can you describe a typical day for me?”

‘What- sure? I get up and finish any homework I didn’t get to the previous night. I drink a protein drink and make eggs. I take public transit to school and back, go to the library to work on papers or research, then head home to eat and do homework.’

“And what about your parents?”

Akira shrugged, ‘They’re overseas for work right now and send money each month to help. A family friend also checks in on me once in a while.’

The adults shared a glance before the Detective continued. “Did they give you that scar?”

‘Which one?’ Akira immediately kicked themself mentally for the response and tried to play off a cheeky smile. They definitely weren’t buying it.

“The bird-shaped one across your upper back.”

‘Ah, no, that was from a villain attack a few years ago. I was a late bloomer, so no one cared about a Quirkless getting attacked.’ Technically not incorrect, although calling a limelight hero a villain for their behavior was a stretch.

A few more questions led the Detective in circles, and Akira finally sunk into their bed, letting themself enjoy the softness while they could. A small movement to their left drew Akira’s attention, and they smiled in relief as Aizawa woke up. He was swarmed by the others, Shinso and Yamada reassuring him as the man woke up with bandages covering half his face. With school starting back up the next day, Aizawa should have been able to start teaching in a few days, but Akira marveled at the care evident in Yamada’s insistences that his husband heal first.

Why would they keep up a front when they’re mostly alone? Unless they don’t want Recovery Girl to see? Akira shook their head, deciding to keep a closer eye on them especially with Shinso in the middle of their dynamic.

Soon, Recovery Girl shooed Shinso and Yamada out to grab lunch, and she gave the two patients some privacy.

“Who was the villain?” Aizawa asked after a moment.

‘Which one?’

“The one who did that to you.”

Shit, how much did he hear? Akira quickly recovered, stalling ‘The bosses called it a Nomu.’ At Aizawa’s pointed look, they shrank. ‘Fine, it was some low-rank person. I don’t remember their name it was so long ago. I barely even remember the attack.’ Akira shuddered, phantom pain digging through their shoulder blades.

After a moment, Aizawa sighed. “It was highly illogical for you to attack the Nomu. What do you think would have happened if you died?”

’And what would’ve happened if you died? You’re the only underground… you’re our teacher. You put everything on the line when you have a husband and a kid who relies on you.’ Akira threw back with a glare.

“I’m a pro hero and a teacher, protecting people is part of my job. You’re-” Aizawa started.

‘We’re training to be heroes! If you think any of us wouldn’t help someone about to die when we could do something, you should expel them now.’

Aizawa glared, activating Erasure seemingly out of habit as he clutched his head and immediately stopped. Waving off Recovery Girl, he continued after a moment with a frown, “A hero who dies because of a reckless decision can’t save anyone after they’re dead. Until you have the training to handle situations like USJ, your goal should be to escape, not to protect pros.”

Akira seethed, ‘And what you did wasn’t reckless? You have a massive blind spot for your students, and that almost got you killed on Friday. Mic-sensei and Nurse agree, much as I hate to bring in…’ Akira hesitated.

Aizawa raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “Do you have something against limelight heroes?”

‘They’re ignorant, hypocritical, corrupt, or some combination of the three. I just haven’t found out where he lies,’ Akira huffed. Not to mention they needed to reevaluate Recovery Girl’s standing. Rescue Heroes tended to be less egregious than other limelights, but Akira wasn’t about to take that risk.

“Do you have anything to support that?”

‘Call it a logical conclusion from personal experience and research,’ Akira sneered. ‘Dig a little below the surface of any hero, and you’ll find problems, but limelights are the worst. When you get burned over and over again, you watch for smoke or die by fire.’

Walking out of Recovery Girl’s office later that day, Akira stared at the appointment card for mandatory therapy with Hound Dog on Tuesday. Akira fetched their duffle bag from the locker rooms and started the long walk to the train station. They stopped by the corner store with the tip for Cho and reassurances that they were fine before heading to base.

On the way, Akira intermittently felt like eyes followed them from the shadows. Hoping it was residual paranoia but expecting a nosy hero, Akira moved into the more populated nightlife areas to lose themself in the crowds. The feeling only increased as now people were occasionally looking at them, so Akira ducked into an alleyway and warped onto a rooftop. A few moments later, a girl about their age in a blood-stained seifuku stepped towards their clone and started rambling about blood and how pretty they would look beat up.

Akira carefully made their way down a story while keeping an eye out for any creeps and settled on the second floor of the fire escape to watch. As soon as the girl dispelled their clone with a swipe of her knife, they rapped the railing. ‘Do you know JSL?’

“Ooh the pretty kid likes to play charades! That’s so cute,” the girl blushed while waving a knife. She stumbled a little while approaching Akira.

Akira took out their notebook, “You look pretty sick. I know a place that can help you with that and maybe your quirk.”

“I’m fine,” the girl pouted. “I do want to get a taste of you, though.”

Keeping an eye on the cat-like girl, Akira slowly put their notebook away while shaking their head. What is wrong with this kid? The moment she repositioned to jump, Akira warped to the roof, letting their clone take the stab.

“Aw, you’re no fun, little shadow. I just want to be friends!”

Akira warped, hoping the girl would stay put as they roof hopped back towards the warehouse district. Fortunately, the girl didn’t seem interested in pursuing them over roofs, at least since Akira only heard one pair of footfalls join them as they ran into Eraser Head’s territory. Pausing on a roof to rest against its access hutch, Akira started rubbing their aggravated legs and turned to watch their shadow approach.

“Hey kid, why are you on the roofs?” Kamui Woods asked as he approached. “It’s a pretty dangerous way to practice parkour.”

‘Running away from a girl with a knife,’ Akira signed. ‘Wanted to make sure I was far enough away before stopping.’

“Did she hurt you?” Kamui asked, stepping closer. Akira put up a hand, shaking their head. “Alright, can you point me in her direction then? What did she look like?”

‘Petite, blonde, yellow cat eyes, fangs… oh and she was wearing a seifuku. I didn’t recognize the school colors, though.’

Kamui took off in that direction, and once he was out of line of sight, Akira made their way back to ground level. Their adrenaline was still running on high, but Akira didn’t feel like anyone was watching them more than usual as they made their way to base. Upon opening the door, they were barreled into by Ayaka and Azumi, knocking them over as the kids blubbered on.

‘I’m fine, really! Kids, I’m fine! Just, let me up,’ Akira signed exasperated. Finally, they let go, backing off a bit as Akira hoisted themself up with the cane and wall. ‘I just need some rest. Recovery Girl healed the worst of it, so I’m just tired.’

“Boss wants to see you.” Ayaka said, pouting.

“Yeah, she didn’t look happy.”

‘When does she ever look happy?’ Akira ruffled their hair. ‘I’ll go see her, you two stay out of trouble.’

The pair scurried off as Akira approached Au, who gestured them in. “Good to have you back, kid. Had everyone worried there till Haru told us you asked him to be your ‘family friend.’ We told you giving a random number was a bad idea.”

‘So Recovery Girl falls into hypocritical or corrupt,’ Akira shrugged with a small grin. ‘Can’t get everyone right on media impressions.’

The mood quickly turned somber as Akira stepped into Boss’ office, her usually neat desk covered in loose papers, files, and a few pictures. She gestured for Akira to sit before saying, “If you hadn’t already told Haru that you’d been unconscious for the first two days, I would be giving you a hard time on not contacting us. As it is, we’ve declared war on this League of Villains, and Giran agreed to keep us updated on recruitment with a discount on his usual rates for it being personal.” Boss glanced over her glasses at Akira, taking in their exhausted composure. “Do you have anything on them from the attack?”

‘I can give names of the ringleaders as well as some limited information on the blue creature called a Nomu.’ Akira hesitated before adding, ‘I also have some personal information on Eraser Head, but…’

Boss waved dismissively. “If giving that out would compromise your place and relationships at UA, don’t. If it poses risk to the family, I trust you to inform us.”

Akira nodded, grateful as they described Shigaraki and Kurogiri’s quirks as well as theories on the Nomu’s origin. While All for One was largely dismissed as an urban legend, such tales always had a grain of truth. A creature with multiple quirks would account for the inconsistency in Erasure’s effectiveness and its uncanny speed coupled with regeneration and extreme strength.

“Get some sleep, you’re staying here tonight,” Boss said as they finished.

Akira went to argue but felt a wave of exhaustion hit as they tried to stand, instead slumping in the chair. ‘Fine, but just the one night.’

Notes:

The scar will be described in more detail in time, but feel free to discuss your ideas in the comments 😊

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[amsgrey]

Big Brother Hugs Part Two

Requested by Anonymous

Will Halstead x sister!reader x Jay Halstead

Synopsis: everything gets too much and you finally get what you need.

Not proof read so I apologise in advance for the inevitable mistakes.

Warnings: Mention of Depression, talk of depression and unhealthy habits, anxiety, mention of anxiety, panic attack.

gif credit to @xofeno

It didn't take too long to convince Will that you were feeling better, after you had sought him out you stayed at his house for the night. He'd made you promise you would talk to someone, even if it wasn't him he offered to call Dr Charles. You had refused, telling him you would see the school counsellor who you had already spoken to once or twice. After that night you realized you had to do a better job at keeping it hidden, your brothers were too busy to worry about you and you could handle yourself just fine.

You knew in the back of your head that Will would be disappointed to know that you were lying to him about being fine, but you saw how he looked so relieved that you were feeling better. You couldn't demand more attention and time by coming clean. So you forced yourself to present as fine, every day when Will text to ask how your day was you would reply about how it was tiring but better than the last. You fell into a sort of routine, you would drag yourself out of bed for school every morning. When you did, Jay and Hailey would most of the time be at work already, sometimes they left breakfast or a hot chocolate on the bench for you. You would take a couple of bites to feel less guilty about not being hungry, then throw it in the bin outside when you left for school. After you got home you would go back to bed, only leaving when Hailey and Jay came home. Will would text you at the same time each night, sometimes it was photos of Kohl or supportive little messages. They only made you feel more guilty.

The apartment was surprisingly full of life when you got home after school, you almost double-checked you were walking into the right apartment. When you walked further down the hall, you realized the cheerful conversation was from the intelligence unit. All of the team minus Sergeant Voight were sitting in the living room, dressed in full blues.

"Hi," You waved, a little shy at how they were all sitting in front of you.

"Hey, Kiddo!" Hailey grinned, gesturing to the empty space on the couch next to Jay.

You hesitated, not moving to sit down, "I, uh, got a lot of homework to do for tomorrow..." You took a few slow steps back, pointing to your room, "Sorry."

You walked as fast as possible to your room, trying not to seem desperate to avoid a conversation but trying to leave before Jay could call you back. You quickly shut the door, locking it and leaning your back against it as you tried to catch your breath. You never felt nervous or shy around the team before, but your day had been long and tiring and you weren't expecting anyone to be home. You almost tripped over your feet as you tried to clamber to your bed. It was too much effort to climb onto it so you just sunk to the floor. You slowly lay down, trying to calm yourself as you cried and struggled to breathe. The floor was cold and uncomfortable but you had no energy to do anything about it.

There was a faint knock at your door, and then the handle jiggled. You couldn't hear any voices, your ears were ringing and it felt like the entire world was spinning. You grasped at your chest, trying to force your lungs to slow down, to take a slower breath. It was to no avail, it felt as if the oxygen was being sucked out of the air around you and you were slowly suffocating. The door handle rattled a bit more violently, whoever was on the other side would definitely be able to hear your sobs and strangled breaths.

Your bedroom door slammed open as Jay came barrelling through it. He looked around the room frantically before he saw you curled up on the floor, knuckles white as they grasped the fabric of your shirt.

"Y/N," He gathered you off the floor, helping you sit up with your back to the bed. He gently cupped your face, brow furrowed in concern as he tried to get you to calm down. You could see in the doorway the concerned faces of the team, Hailey was holding a phone to her ear talking and rushed into it as she stood just past the threshold of the room.

"Hey," Jay soothed, "Look at me, okay? You need to take nice slow breaths, listen to my voice, Y/N."

You shook your head, choking on hot tears and wheezing out an incomprehensible sentence. Your shaky hands gripped loosely onto jays shirt, trying to ground yourself as your head began to swim.

Jay gave up on trying to soothe you by holding your face, he leaned forward and wrapped you in his arms, pulling you close to his chest like he did when you were little. he soothed your hair and kept reassuring you that he was there, he wasn't going anywhere. For a glimpse of a second, you felt as if the panic clawing at your heart was subsiding. Then you felt your body go limp and then nothing at all.

--

Kevin and Adam ushered the paramedics into the room, the team stepping out of the way as they wheeled your unconscious form out of the apartment. Jay trailed alongside, holding tightly to your hand.

"I'll be right behind you," Hailey assured Jay, gesturing to him to follow you and the paramedics to the ambulance. 

The ride to Med was unbearable for Jay. He didn't even know what to make of the situation. He never saw you in such a state and now he was reeling to figure out what to do. Maggie recognized him immediately when he walked through the doors of the ED with the paramedics.

"Jay?"

Jay couldn't find the words to explain the situation, just following the gurney through the ED. Will spotted his brother as he passed the desk he was working on. He called out to his brother, to no response.

You came around as you were being wheeled into a treatment room.

"Transfer on my count..."

You frowned, trying to keep your eyes open against the harsh lights of the room, "Where?"

"Hey, Y/N," You could feel yourself being lifted and then placed on a bed. When you finally blinked away the blinding white, you spotted Will standing at your side. He smiled and squeezed your hand.

"Y/N, remember me?" Dr Choi smiled. You felt a lot stronger, nodding and giving him a small wave with your free hand.

Dr Choi chuckled, doing his checks, "Can you tell me what happened, Y/N?"

You shrugged, "Couldn't breathe."

Dr Choi nodded, "Alright. Well, you sit tight for a minute, alright? I'm just going to talk to your brothers."

You hummed in agreement, resting against the pillows and trying to calm the anxiety racing through your heart. Part of you knew you couldn't make up a story to explain what happened, but you desperately tried to search for an explanation.

Dr Choi nodded to Jay and Will as he exited the room, the three gathering just out of earshot.

"Is she okay?" Will demanded.

Ethan nodded, "She's awake, lucid. We just need to figure out why she passed out." He turned to Doris rattling off which tests to order.

"You can go see her," He told the two hovering brothers. Jay quickly joined your side, making sure you were comfortable and warm enough. Will hesitated at the door, then turned back to Ethan.

"Hey, Ethan," He quickly grabbed Ethan's attention and pulled him aside, "Can you page Dr Charles?"

Ethan looked surprised, he frowned, "Is there something I should know about?"

Will sighed, running a hand down his face, "Listen, Y/N hasn't told Jay yet, but she's been struggling. I'm trying to help but..."

"Hey, I get it," Ethan reassured, "I'll get Dr. Charles down here. For now you should talk to Y/N."

Will nodded, "Yeah. Thanks, man."

Will entered the treatment room looking grim, and you immediately felt guilty for what happened. Will pulled you in for a hug, squeezing you a little tighter than he usually did.

"How are you feeling?"

You tried to wave him away and mumbled something about how you just got overwhelmed. Will didn't press any further but clearly looked displeased about it. Jay looked between you both, silently prodding for answers. Neither of you offered any answers. You didn't even know how to begin, how do you tell your brother how your life was falling to pieces. That getting up in the morning was torture and you felt as if it wasn't even worth it anymore. Nothing made you feel worse than hiding how bad it was from your brothers, but some voice on the back of your head keep whispering how if they cared they'd have noticed.

Dr Choi re-entered the room with his tablet, Maggie was on his heels holding something in her hands.

"Figured out why you passed out," Dr Choi smiled, standing at the end of the bed and nodding to Will, "You have extremely low blood sugar, when was the last time you ate?"

You shrugged, "I forgot to bring lunch."

Dr Choi frowned, looking at the tablet, "Just lunch?"

You shrugged again.

"Y/N?" Jay leaned forward, "Hailey and I left a bagel for you this morning, did you eat it?"

You avoided making eye contact with him, "I wasn't hungry."

Jay sighed, starting to get a clearer idea of what was happening.

Maggie placed the object in her hand down on the table at your side, a cheese sandwich, "Good news is, you get this for free."

You smiled weakly, taking the sandwich and taking a small bite to make them all happy. It didn't really taste like anything, but you forced yourself to continue to take small bites.

After you finished your sandwich, Will all but dragged Jay out of the room to talk to him. You were itching to get out of the hospital, but Will kept talking about how they just had to tick all the boxes before they let you go. You were exhausted from the whole ordeal, starting to drift off with the silence your brothers left behind. You were almost asleep when someone knocked on the door and entered the room.

"Y/N, how are you?"

You got such a fright you sat up straight in the bed, staring wide-eyed at Doctor Charles who immediately looked guilty.

"Sorry," He smiled, "Didn't mean to startle you."

"It's okay," You replied, settling back down against the pillows.

"So," Dr Charles took a seat on your left, "Will asked me to come talk to you. He said you've been having a hard time lately?"

God dammit, Will.

"I guess."

Dr Charles nodded, he didn't press anymore. The two of you sat in silence for a while longer. You knew he was waiting for you to say something first, but you were stubborn and you didn't want to admit you needed help.

"How about we start with today?" Dr Charles finally spoke, "What happened today to cause you to be here?"

"I just got overwhelmed," You replied. Dr Charles nodded, something about him reminded you of your dad. Maybe minus the Canaryville hard edge. It didn't take long before all stubbornness was gone and you were opening up to him. About everything, from what happened today and the weeks before then. Dr Charles nodded along and listened, reassuring you that he was going to help you moving forward.

"I have to go talk to your brothers," Dr Charles nodded, "Do you want to tell them...?"

You shook your head, "I- I can't."

Dr Charles nodded, "Do I have your permission to tell them myself?"

You nodded, twisting your hands together to try stop the anxiety looming over you.

"Alright. I'll check back in soon."

After everything you had felt in the last couple of weeks, the pain you went through to hide how you were feeling. It felt good to get it off your chest, to talk to someone without fear of hurting them. When Dr Charles returned, he was followed by Jay and Will. Jay looked like he cried, the signature red-rimmed eyes a dead giveaway. He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled you into a hug, holding you tighter than he ever had before.

"I should have known. I know I work a lot, I should have been there for you. I'm meant to be your parent and I can hardly be home enough to notice when you need me."

Jay gently wiped the tears from your cheeks, "I'm sorry."

You sniffed, "Don't be sorry. I should be."

Will sat on the other side of the bed, "No one should be sorry."

"I spoke to your brothers," Dr Charles was still by the door, "We're going to get you on a treatment plan and I have a colleague who I believe will be able to help you. I'll get the ball rolling and start your discharge paperwork."

You felt like the entire world had been lifted off your shoulders, you smiled and agreed. For the first time in a long time, you had hope, your brothers were there for you, and you had the help you needed. Everything was okay, everything would be okay.

[lemon-boy-stan]

“ACCEPTANCE”

summary: you’d always felt guilty about dating regulus black, but after he calms you down from an anxiety attack, both you and your friends are able to accept it. genre: angst, fluff. warnings: anxiety, panic attack. pairing: regulus black x reader.

You'd already been nervous when presenting your History of Magic oral in front of the class, but with Professor Binns gliding around the room as you spoke, you felt even more nervous.

The entire class was talking. You'd tried to get their attention once before, but no one had heard you. Even your friends weren't really paying attention.

James was shamelessly flirting with Lily over two desks. Sirius had folded up an old sheet of parchment into the shape of an elephant and Remus bewitched it to walk across his table. The only person who was really paying attention to you was Regulus, but you guess it didn't really count because he was your boyfriend.

Professor Binns seemed to remember that you were at the front of the class - or maybe it had only just occured to him - but either way, he adressed the year level and they all shut up, although you didn't know if their attention was better or worse.

James grinned at you as Sirius gave you the thumbs-up. Remus smiled softly at you, but your throat still felt dry, but as you looked towards the back of the classroom, you spotted Regulus, tossing his dark curls back, laughing quietly at something his friend, Lucius Malfoy, had said. Almost instantly, your shaky breaths began to calm down.

Your relationship with Reggie was secret. His friends knew about it, but your friends didn't. It took a long time for his mates to accept you and your blood status (and sometimes they were still mean about it) but you knew it would take your friends a much longer time to understand, especially since Sirius was Regulus's older br -

"Y/N," said Binns, "any time you could start your speech would be good." the class laughed softly, and you knew it wasn't a mean kind of laughter, but all it did was make you more anxious. You sighed before exhaling shakily. "The giants' war began in the year 1765, and ended gruesomely with a large number of horrific casualties that even Muggles began to notice, however..." you stopped, your mind blanking out. You stared at your presentation cards to look for the rest of your speech, but finding, to your horror, that the text had ended. You shuffled through your other cards, but they were all different topics from where you had left off on the previous card, and your throat suddenly became all wobbly, like your skin was jelly. 

“Um,” you tried to remember what you’d written, but nothing was coming to mind - noting except for fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. “Um. Um. Even Muggles. Muggles began to notice the side effects of the Giants’ war, but they would classify the effects as natural things like earthquakes and tra - tremors. As earthquakes and tremors. They would...”

Someone in the class sighed loudly and rolled their eyes. Your breaths became shaking and suddenly you forgot how to speak, how to comprehend. Your heart was beating at a thousand miles per hour. You could see the class looking at you, but at the same time, you couldn’t see them at all. You were pretty sure that your hands were shaking. Your friends - James, Sirius, and Remus - must’ve noticed that something was wrong, because now they were here with you, at the front of the classroom, even though you heard Professor Binns telling them to return to their seats, and even though the whole class was staring.

Someone was talking to you, and it sounded like Remus. You could only just make out what he was saying as the lycantrhope whispered softly, taking your hands in his. “Y/N, sweetheart. I need you to breathe…” James and Sirius stood behind him and smiled encouragingly. Since Remus had anxiety himself, he always helped to calm you down the fastest, but somehow he just made things worse, because now you were crying, too.

“No,” you shook your head violently, tears spilling from your eyes, “I can’t. I can’t.” but Remus was both patient and persistent, although you weren’t sure if that was a good thing. “Yes, you can,” he said gently, “you can. Just breathe. Deep, slow, calm -” didn’t he know he wasn’t helping? “No,” you whined loudly, “I can’t. I can’t! I need - I need. Need y - you. Reg. Reggie.” you were pretty sure you sounded like a whining dog. Remus nodded encouragingly, “yeah, it’s me, Remmy.” 

You knew he was just trying to help, but his words just made you cry even more, because he had no idea what he was talking about. Why didn’t he understand? “No,” you kept shaking your head, maybe if you shook it he would understand. “No, nononononono. Reggie. Reggie. Want Reggie. REGULUS.” you finally got it out, but as you said his name it felt like you were swallowing knives. 

“What?” spat Sirius, glaring at you profusely, “what’re you talking about? Don’t you mean, Remus? Why would you want Regulus? What would you even want to do with Regulus -” but you kept crying, kept shaking your head, whispering your boyfriend’s name. You didn’t just want him, you needed him to pull you into his arms -

“Excuse me,” his voice broke the barrier that had been blocking out your friends and everything else in the classroom, “excuse me. I need to get to her, please. Move. Out of the way. Sirius! Move.'' After an excruciatingly long number of seconds, the boys shuffled to the side. Finally, finally Regulus was here. You knew that the class was staring, but didn’t care. You were just so relieved to hear him speak to you that you began to cry again.

“Shh,” Regulus wrapped his arms around you, crouching as he held you. “It’s okay. It’s okay. Can you look at me, dove? I just need you to look at me. It’s okay, dove, it’s okay, just take your time, alright? Don’t worry about it.” with each word your boyfriend spoke and every shape he drew on your back, your breaths began to calm down. You looked up slowly, your big orbs meeting his beautiful, dark eyes. 

You drowned in his gaze instantly before realising what had happened, and noticing that everyone was watching - not just watching, staring, uncomfortably, at the scene unfolding before them, the scene you had started just because you were an idiot.

And so you buried yourself into Regulus's robes and began crying again, but as silently as you could, because you knew people were watching. Regulus didn't care, though. He held you tight and close, soothing you as you cried. "It's okay, dove, it's okay. I've got you, alright? Can you breathe f'me? I just need you to breathe, dove. Yeah, exactly like that. You're doing so good, yn. Yeah, there you go. Shh, it's okay..."

After a while, you were finally breathing properly, and you had stopped crying, for real this time; you knew you weren't going to cry again, but you still kept yourself buried in Regulus's clothes as you steadied your breaths.

Once you'd returned back to your normal pace, you inhaled your boyfriend's scent like a drug before mumbling his name into his clothes loudly and looking up at him, "Reggie. Reg, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... to..."

Your Lip trembled but all Regulus did was shrug and smile softly, "it's okay, princess. You just got scared, but that's what I'm here for. Don't get upset about that, alright? I love you, dove. Then Regulus placed his lips softly on your forehead. You couldn’t help but smile  as you melted into him once again, whispering the words, “I love you, too, Reg,” back to him quietly.

Regulus lifted you up to take you back to your seat but stopped, Sirius was walking over to him awkwardly. You buried your head in the crook of your boyfriend’s neck, afraid of how his brother was going to react. Was he going to yell at the two of you? Was he going to demand that Regulus leave you? Would he -

“Thank you,” muttered Sirius quietly but sincerely, patting his brother’s shoulder stiffly before giving you a kind smile. You sighed in relief: this was the part that you were worried about the most, having Sirius accept your relationship. But now that Sirius approved of Regulus’s being your boyfriend, you finally felt comfortable letting Regulus console you in public. And as you sat on the desk next to him, one of his friends grinning and moving down a seat, you shrugged on Regulus’s Quidditch sweater, but you felt proud to be dating him, rather than guilty, and that calmed you down the most. 

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[ashecampos]

tears over beers

you put too much effort into relationships and the girl you genuinely had feelings for broke your heart, even now after knowing about what she done, your friends still choose her over you.

because of this you relapsed.

and lost yourself again.

until one night three women find you in the woods about to take your life.

TRIGGER WARNING

self harm, suicide attempt, alcoholism, drug use, swearing, past relationship trauma, eating disorder, body dysphoria. (totally not writing just to vent..yes that’s exactly what I’m doing)

IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED PLEASE DONT READ THIS

(I see you little depressed bitches who are going to ignore this message, if this is you please reach out to me or anyone for that matter, I know what your going through, even if I don’t I will try and help)

tears run down your face, you bring your stained hoodies sleeve up to your crimson coloured cheeks, the once dry, blue hoodie, now damp and a deep blue colour. you wipe the salty tears off of your face.

blurred vision and a bottle of beer in your hand, the tears fall faster than ever, you can almost sense the panic attack that is coming for the 5th time in the past 4 hours.

the thing about you is that when you seriously genuinely like someone, you do anything in your power to keep them.

——

you where 16 and freshly out of a emotionally abusive relationship, first year of college, your time to shine.

two of your closest friends from secondary school managed to stay in the same friend group as you, from that you built a whole new friendship group, different people from your friends classes joined.

about half way through your first year of college you developed feelings for a girl who recently discovered her own sexuality. Through her discovering herself she managed to split the group which was once a big group into two, the other half of the group studied a different course than your side and now the two groups barely talk.

upon telling your best friend about your newfound feelings, she tells you that the girl sees you in the same light as you see her.

a few weeks later the girl you liked and one of your closets friends texted you saying they both had feelings for you. Upon this a massive wave of guilt engulfed your mind. You had liked your close friend for years before when you where both in secondary school yet you still liked this new friend.

you had told them both that you where confused and couldn’t make your decision so soon. Your close friend Em told you to take your time and that if it was her you where willing to choose that she would wait forever for you, on the other hand, your other friend Kai told you that you had to choose and that it wasn’t fair.

you tried so hard to choose but you couldn’t.

once both of them and your best friend wanted to go see the same movie so you invited them all to see it together as it would’ve been easier. To make it even more awkward your younger brother decided to tag along.

during the movie Em held your hand because she recognised your anxiety about the cinema, along with the scary scene that was playing before you, for the next hour, the two of you held hands. Then the same on the bus ride, once Kai left, Em took the opportunity to hold your hand, then kissing it once you reached her stop.

Throughout the rest of the year Kai begged for your attention and love while Em worked for your love.

and guess who you picked

if you thought Em

you thought wrong.

stupidly you picked Kai because Em was at another college and the two of you barely saw each other, whereas even though she never put in effort Kai saw you everyday.

A few month of sharing hoodies and you putting in the most effort to make sure Kai is having a good time while she is going through things, you wanted to ask the question. ‘what are we?’

you ended up asking her through text what she wanted from the talking stage, after that she told you she needed space.

this was the first time she hurt you, broke you even.

you sat on a table alone as your friends went to talk to her, they left all their stuff with you, you sat and silently sobbed while they laughed with her.

Summer finally broke out and you had the girl unadded for the whole time, your friends hung out with her while you were either on holiday or alone in your room reading comic books of super heroes with the dream love story.

Around 2 weeks till college starts she added you again with the plea to start talking again, of course you being a fucking idiot, you said yes because your friends wanted the group to be together again with you being the ‘glue’ of the group.

Your now in second year of college

through the use of the internet you found your diagnosis for depression and the internet keeps saying your neurodivergent.

She would send you relationship posts through tiktok and snapchat, yet the moment you ask for the second time what she wanted from the relationship, she fucked you over again.

But this time worse, she left you on opened before spending a week ignoring you, the friend group fell apart a bit more and you just stayed away as much as you could in fear you’d show yourself crying in front of them.

She eventually messaged you and the two of you stopped talking.

now not even two weeks later, you heard through a good friend that she has already moved on with one of your ex’s who also fucked you over.

In the coming weeks your life fell apart, you can’t find a job, your failing everything you do and your presence at college is near to never

——

your now sat in the woods with a bottle of your pills in your lap, unknowingly of the famed avengers’ new mission in your area.

Three of the avengers are stood watching you from behind you, without your knowledge. Your new apple airpod maxes placed upon your dark curly hair, music blaring.

After a few minutes of them watching you they start to whisper about your state as you pull up your sleeves, cursing at yourself for not bandaging your arms properly, blood runs down your forearms from the deep raging red lines that cover the entirety of your arms.

Upon seeing this you feel a pair of strong arms wrapping around your shoulders, hugging you from behind, you throw your headphones off, putting them on the floor. “Shh I’m here” a raspy Russian voice says while you melt into their hold. Another two people join the hug, “it’s okay detkà we’ve got you” another voice says, this time her voice is hinted with an old Slavic accent, lastly another female says “I’ve got you little one” in an American accent.

part 2

[winter-soldier-vibes]

avenger!reader who suffers from depression and is really hard on herself/themself and blames themself after a mission went wrong and locks themselves out, bucky is worried abt them and comforts them

Bucky Barnes x reader

Word count:3102 (wow I went off the rails a bit huh 😅)

Warnings: self-blame, mentions of death, nightmares, panic attacks, breakdown, lots of tears, this one’s really angsty, flashbacks, some fluff/comfort but so much angst

A/N: I loved this request and had a great time writing it. This one’s a lil more angsty than I usually do and deals with some heavier themes than some of my other ones, so please take care of yourself and heed the warnings. I love you guys so much!

There was nothing you could have done.

You were the first off the quinjet, anxious to get out of the unbearable silence.

You kept your head down as you walked quickly to your room, trying to make as little noise as possible, stumbling to get into your room as fast as possible, locking the door behind you as you let the tears fall.

You looked up at the ceiling, trying to stave off your breakdown as you tried to keep taking even breaths.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?” you said in a small voice.

“Yes?” the AI responded.

You took a shaky breath, trying to keep your voice even. “Turn on soundproofing, please.”

“As you wish. I am picking up on signs of distress, would you like me to call Sergeant Barnes?”

You shook your head violently at the thought of anyone, especially your boyfriend seeing you like this. “No.”

“Are you sure? Would you like me to call -”

“Don’t let anyone in this room.”

“As you wish, Y/n.”

You heard a noise indicating that the room had been soundproofed.

And you lost it.

You brought a hand to your face and sank back against the wall, shoulders shaking with the force of your sobs. You pushed yourself back against the wall, trying to ground yourself. Your mind flashed back to the mission you had just returned from and you let out an agonizing scream.

You’ll never forget the looks on their faces.

“Y/n, come on we have to go!”

“Wait - no I almost have them!”

“Help us - please - no don’t go!”

Blood curdling screams that didn’t belong to you, followed by your own.

A building had collapsed on an innocent family in the aftermath of the fight. You tried to get them out, but you were too late, Steve pulling you away at the last second before you were taken out too.

You were so angry, you had been so close - if you had seen them sooner, if you had just a few more seconds, maybe you could’ve gotten them out.

The last thing that they saw was their only hope being pulled away from them before being suffocated.

You were the last thing they saw, you had promised to get them out.

And you had lied to them.

The last thing they felt was hope that they’d see another day. No - the last thing they felt was betrayal and fear when they realized that one of the world’s greatest heroes couldn’t be their hero too.

The moments that had followed were a blur, your eyes frozen on where their eyes had been, shock coursing through your veins. You had seen someone die before but...not like that. Not when you could’ve maybe saved them.

The shock quickly bubbled into anger as you turned to Steve.

“Why the FUCK would you do that? I could’ve saved them!”

“You would’ve died Y/n!”

“If you hadn’t been distracting me then maybe I would’ve gotten them out in time!”

You had angry tears in your eyes, hitting Steve’s chest and doing exactly nothing to his broad form while he tried to console you.

“Get the fuck away from me! I could’ve saved them, this is YOUR fault.”

The ride back was silent. No one dared to talk to you about what had happened. You felt bad after a while but you couldn’t apologize without completely crumbling. If you opened your mouth you were certain that sobs would come rather than words.

You did feel horrible for what you said, because it wasn’t true. It wasn’t Steve’s fault.

It was yours.

So you waited until you returned to the privacy of your room, screaming bloody murder over the guilt you felt. Replaying what had happened, telling yourself everywhere you had gone wrong, every hesitation that could’ve given you an extra few seconds.

You felt like you’d never stop seeing their eyes, paralyzed by fear.

You were the last thing they saw, and now you would remember their last moment for the rest of yours.

You couldn’t imagine the amount of pain and fear they had felt when they realized they weren’t getting out of the rubble alive. That they would die as a part of a warzone they didn’t intend to be a part of. The feeling of hope draining from their bodies, blood running cold as they realized they had mere seconds left.

“No!” you screamed at the top of your lungs, body curling in on itself as you drew your knees in and wrapped your arms around your torso, sick to your stomach.

This was your fault, and you would never forget it.

---

The rest of the team had sighed as they watched you get off the quinjet, walking a bit too fast to be alright. They shared concerned looks with each other, watching your form disappear into the compound.

You weren’t okay, but after what had happened when Steve tried to approach you, they thought it best to give you some space.

The rest of them entered the compound, going their separate ways as Steve sat to down and ran a hand down his face, trying to get his mind off of what had happened. He was shaken up too, but he couldn’t lose you like that. You would die protecting strangers, and while he thought that was noble, he wondered when there wouldn’t be someone to pull you out in time.

Bucky had come down to check on you, knowing that the team had gotten back from a mission. But before he could knock on the door, F.R.I.D.A.Y. spoke. “Sergeant Barnes, Y/n has requested that she not be disturbed.”

Bucky furrowed his eyebrows, both in concern and confusion. Usually when a mission hit you hard, you would talk to him about what had happened. So either you were just tired, or this was worse than it had ever been.

He clenched his jaw and stood there for another few moments before he walked away, heading towards anyone who may be able to tell him what happened on the mission.

He came into the common room, seeing Steve doing a mission report. Well - the mission report was in front of him and he was staring blankly at it.

“Steve?” Bucky said softly, trying not to startle him.

Steve didn’t look up.

“Steve,” Bucky said a little louder.

Steve looked up from the papers, shaking his head slightly. “Hey, Buck. What’s up?”

“Are you okay?” Bucky asked, taking in Steve’s tired appearance and how his mind seemed elsewhere.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Steve said, barely looking at Bucky.

“You know, I’ve taken care of enough black eyes from mister back-alley hero to know when you’re not really fine.” Bucky said with a small smirk.

Steve’s eyes flicked up to Bucky’s as he sighed. “It’s not me you should be worried about,” he muttered.

“What happened?” Bucky asked.

Steve recounted the mission to his friend, Bucky getting increasingly concerned about you. He knew you had a tendency to blame yourself for different things, and he knew what blaming yourself for someone’s death was like, even if you couldn’t control the situation.

Bucky was brainwashed. You were too late. Two different things, but the survivor's guilt was excruciating.

“Is she okay?” Bucky asked nervously.

“She didn’t get hurt, if that’s what you mean,” Steve started, “but she seemed pretty shaken up. You haven’t talked to her?”

“She doesn’t want to be bothered,” Bucky said.

Steve nodded. “Just give her some time,” he said, worriedly.

Bucky nodded, though unconvinced. He bottled up his emotions until the two of you met. Ever since the two of you never kept anything from each other. And he knew that seeing someone die and feeling at fault for it could destroy you. He wasn’t sure if time and space was what you needed.

But it was what you wanted right now. So he wouldn’t get in the way.

----

Back in your room you were curled in a ball on the floor, sobs wracking your body as you lost all sense of time and space and all you knew was it hurt and if you closed your eyes they were right there and you couldn’t do anything about it. You had a hand pressed to your chest as you tried to breathe but eventually gave way to a new surge of agony when your mind went back to how people died and you couldn’t help them.

You tried to calm down but then your mind would remind you that they had a family and they would never see them again and it was your fault.

“Stop, please just stop,” you put your hands over your ears as you tugged slightly on your hair.

They died terrified.

“Please make it stop,” you sobbed.

You were supposed to help them and you failed.

“No, God, please stop…”

They died because of you

----

You had fallen asleep on the floor at some point, when, you weren’t sure, but you woke up to your own screams. You were drenched in a cold sweat, dried tears on your face and chest heaving as you tried to breathe. You brought your hands to your mouth when you realized it was just a dream, sobbing once again.

You didn’t know why these people’s death was hitting you harder than any other death you had seen. This wasn’t the first time you had seen people die - far from it. You’d killed your fair share of agents without a hint at remorse. Because they deserved it.

You’d seen buildings burn down, fall apart, innocent people die - but you’d never felt as responsible as you did this time. Because they were right there. And you were so close.

But they still died and you saw their last moments. And you were theirs.

And it was destroying you.

----

You didn’t leave your room the following day. Or the day after that.

Needless to say, the team was extremely worried about you. Especially Bucky.

He knew what survivor’s guilt could do to a person, and he knew being alone with your thoughts wasn’t helping. He also knew that pushing the topic could do much more harm than good, causing you to retreat further into yourself.

He tried texting you, wanting to let you know that he was there for you, that he was worried about you, and that he loved you.

None of them went though because your phone was off, you having not even looked at it since coming back from the mission.

F.R.I.D.A.Y. was still telling everyone that you did not want to be disturbed, as you had requested. Obviously Tony had the power to override the locks, but again, no one wanted to push you.

When it had been 3 days since you had seen any sunlight, Bucky had had enough. He knew you couldn’t be taking proper care of yourself and he couldn’t let you do that to yourself. He had Tony override your locks and he came to your door, knocking gently.

“Y/n?”

Silence.

He knocked again, a little louder. “Y/n? I’m coming in, alright?”

Silence.

Bucky took a deep breath before he opened your door slowly, peeking his head in. it was the middle of the afternoon and your room was dark, the only light coming from the hallway and from the cracks between the shades, which were drawn shut.

Bucky let himself in and turned on a lamp, shutting the door behind him. He looked at you with worried eyes as he took in your appearance.

You were pressed up against the headboard of your bed, knees drawn to your chest as you stared blankly, your eyes fixated on your bedsheets. Your eyes were red, face blotchy, your hair was a mess and you were still wearing your uniform from the mission.

“You shouldn’t be here,” you said quietly, voice raspy from yelling these past few days.

“Y/n -”

“Get out,” you said quietly, though not angrily.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, y/n.”

“Please,” you said, cursing yourself as your voice cracked. You didn’t want to breakdown in front of Bucky.

“It’s not your fault, y/n.”

You pushed yourself off of the bed, shaking your head. “I’m not doing this right now, Bucky.”

“You’re going to have to talk about it at some point, y/n.”

“Not if I can help it.”

“This kind of thing isn’t going to go away, okay? Time heals but not by itself.” You weren’t listening as you ran a hand over your face, overwhelmed.

“Please, talk to me y/n. You’re going to make yourself sick.”

“I’m fine.”

“This isn’t fine. Not taking care of yourself and living in the dark staring at the wall isn’t fine, y/n. Please, don’t hide from me. It’s just me, y/n.”

You shook your head, eyes glazed over like glass. “I could’ve saved them.” you said simply.

“Y/n, there was nothing -”

“BULLSHIT!” You yelled. “There had to have been something I could do, if I had gotten there earlier or - or if I had moved faster or been stronger then I could’ve gotten them out! It’s my fault they’re dead okay? I couldn’t save them and that’s my fault!”

Bucky walked over to you slowly, asking you to look at him. “It isn’t your fault, y/n. The building collapsed, no one could’ve gotten them out.”

“I could have saved them.” you said again, tears falling down your face. “I could have gotten them out. I was the last thing they saw and you know what I was doing? Being carried away like some coward. They died afraid because a superhero couldn’t save them. And that’s on me.”

Bucky shook his head slightly. “You can’t save everyone, y/n.”

“So what, am I supposed to choose? I’m supposed to choose whether I save people or move on because they aren’t part of the mission? Am I supposed to let them die?” you asked incredulously.

“You can’t risk your own life like that, y/n.”

“What? And pretend like my life is any more important than theirs?!” you exclaimed.

“Y/n -”

“No, why do I have the right to walk away from people because I’m afraid of getting hurt when they’re about to die? What gives me that right?”

“Because I can’t lose you!” Bucky exclaimed. “Yes, those people matter, but goddamn it y/n, you have helped so many people and you will keep saving so many people, but you can’t do that if you’re dead. We help who we can and mourn the rest. It’s not your fault that those people died. There was nothing that you could have done.”

“But if I had a few more seconds -”

“The building still would have fallen and you’d be asking yourself for a few more seconds. There is nothing you or anyone else could’ve done.”

You stayed silent, more tears falling from your eyes. Bucky pulled you in for a hug as your shoulders started to shake with more sobs. “I know it doesn’t make it hurt any less, but it’s not your fault.”

“I can’t stop seeing the look they had on their faces,” you shook your head. “Everytime I try to sleep I see them and I can’t make it go away. And I want to forget but I don’t deserve to and it hurts but I don’t deserve to forget.”

“I know, I know,” Bucky said, knowing all too well what being haunted by the fear on someone’s face was like. “But it’s not your fault. You didn’t let them die, y/n. You would’ve given anything to save them, if Steve hadn’t pulled you away you would’ve died with them. You didn’t run away even though you knew you would die if you stayed. You do know that right?”

“I don’t care.”

“I don’t think you mean that,” Bucky said softly. You felt new tears fall from your eyes as you hid your face into Bucky’s chest.

“You can’t tell me that nothing could be done. You can’t tell me that innocent people were going to die and that’s the way it has to be. That isn’t fair,” you spoke through your tears.

Bucky pulled back to wipe the tears from your face and look you in the eyes. “They were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and you did everything in your power to save them. It’s not your fault that you got there too late. Those HYDRA agents who destroyed the city - it’s their fault. Not yours.”

“I’m supposed to protect people,” you said as you shrugged and shook your head slightly. “If I can’t do that then what am I?”

“A person who is trying their best. You don’t always have to be everyone’s hero. You don’t have to take responsibility for everyone, that’s too much to expect of anyone. It’s not your responsibility to save everyone because you can’t. But you’ve saved so many people that would’ve died if you weren’t there. You are so important, but you have to stay alive to help more people.”

You took a shaky breath. “Those people were going to die no matter what,” you whispered, more to yourself than to Bucky. Your chest tightened again and you felt sick. “Oh my God,” you said, the acceptance of the fact brought on a new wave of emotions as your knees felt weak.

Bucky pulled you back into his chest again, rubbing a hand up and down your back. “It’s not your fault, y/n.”

“Then why does it hurt so much?” you sobbed against his chest.

“Because you have a good heart.”

You shook your head against his chest. “I don’t want one if it means it’s going to hurt this much.”

“It’s okay, y/n. It’s gonna be okay, I’ve got you.”

“Please make it stop. I don’t want it to hurt anymore.”

Bucky felt tears sting his own eyes at your pain, holding you tighter against him. He cleared his throat before saying “I can’t make it go away. But I’m here to hold you and do everything I can to make it better. I’m not going anywhere y/n.”

He held you against his chest, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “I’m not going anywhere.”

--------

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