#i even quote it to myself randomly throughout the day

[wtrpxrks]

i can fall asleep to heavy artillery and cries for a medic like it’s nothing 😴

[thatonebirdwrites]

You can answer for Supergirl, Legend of Korra, both, or any other fandom you're into; I don't mind. And if you can't decide, just default to LOK (just in case). Questions: Fandom: 1, 2, 5, 8, 14, 17, 19, 20

(Also off-topic, so feel free to ignore but I am curious and its second season is just coming out. Have you seen or plan to watch "Arcane"? Any feelings on it?)

For Legend of Korra:

...the moment in the story that I started shipping my OTP from this world.

I honestly shipped Korra and Asami from the moment they meet. Korra does a double-take with Asami. And describes her as pretty to the Airbender kids. Then Asami does that dramatic and way too flirty climb out of the pool right in front of Korra just to ask Korra to come race with her. Like, okay, Asami, you are dating the wrong fire ferret.

Then Asami fights with Mako over him being a douchebag, and she outright says, "I like Korra." Asami, yes, you are very loud about it.

And everything she does in Season 2 -- 4 is for Korra. Like Korra asks for help? Asami says yes immediately. Korra needs transportation? Asami gifts her a whole damn airship. Korra is in the spirit world but her body needs moved to safety? Asami is ON IT. Korra gets kidnapped? Asami destroys all Red Lotus in the way to her girl. Korra asks for help again in Season 4? Asami is ON IT. Korra wants to go to the Spirit World? Asami is like, "YES PLEASE."

That girl was in love with Korra from the start. It just took Korra until Season 3 to finally realize she was in love with Asami back.

.2. ...my three favorite characters and why I love them so much.

Korra, Asami, and Jinora.

Korra is so wonderfully drawn. Like this girl grows so much throughout the course of the series. Her arcs are amazing, and I love that for her. I could go on, but I'd end up recounting the whole series as for why I love her so. (I honestly really love her PTSD arc, and thought the show did a very good job of doing justice. For someone who has PTSD myself, I related to it a lot.)

Asami was sadly not given the arcs she deserved. Most of her arcs happened off screen and were sort of told to us. (This is one of the many reasons I leaped into writing Korrasami to fix this injustice). I adore her though because she knows what she wants (Korra and engineering), but we also see her struggle with very relatable things (trauma, loneliness, trust, etc.). There's a lot of room for more depth that sadly the show didn't do her justice (partly due to not enough episodes. They really needed more episodes to dig into the side character arcs).

Jinora because she's such a fascinating teenager. We see her grow into an airbender Master, and see her come to terms with her Spirit World affinity. She also has some amazing arcs, and she's honestly a kind kid. We see her complexity with her siblings and how she struggles with being such a young Master Airbender. I honestly loved her arcs.

.5. ...the scene from it that lives in my head rent free.

The Very Dramatic Climb Out Of Pool Scene Asami does in front of Korra.

Asami did you really need to be that flirty? Like that was overkill. If this was Mortal Kombat, that scene alone would have been an instant KO on Korra. Asami cannot subtly flirt even if her life depended on it. Like how do we not ship them after that scene? It's unforgettable.

I swear, that scene will just randomly enter my head about once a day, and I'll once again be like, "Asami, you are so not subtle."

8....a quote from it that means a lot to me.

"Your problem is, you've been disconnected for too long. Disconnected from the people who love you and disconnected from yourself," Toph says to Korra in Book 4. I don't necessarily agree with what Toph says Korra can learn from her enemies, but I do agree with Toph that Korra was stuck in her mind fighting her old enemies as that is what PTSD does to you. So Toph then shows Korra how disconnected she is. How her trying to heal on her own has actually gotten her stuck.

It's only when she reconnected with loved ones that she makes progress. We cannot heal in isolation. We require the love and support of those around us. We must choose to heal, and choose to allow our loved ones to support us. Otherwise, we will become stuck and stagnate (or hurt ourselves in self-destructive ways as we see Korra do).

14. ..if I think the largest majority of fics I crave for it are fix-its, nobody-dies-everybody-lives, fluffy fics of my OTP, pining fics for my OTP, or plot heavy Gen stories?

I tend toward fluffy fics of my OTP to be honest. There's enough trauma and angst in my life. Adding to it by reading a very angsty fic often causes me to spiral in real life. I will sometimes rush through the angst to find fluff. I have to be in the right mindset for any angst.

Now, I do love a good fix-it fic, but there isn't much in Legend of Korra to fix. Ha, I say this, and yet I wrote a fix-it series with Shared Moments, where I rewrote seasons 2 through 4 (in-progress still) because I wanted Korrasami to happen sooner and to end Makkora sooner. I also wanted to give Asami the arc she deserved.

But beyond that, the only fix-it fics I read are ones that write out the comics. I can tolerate Turf Wars for the most part as parts of it are absolutely lovely (the Spirit World adventures I adored). I hate Ruins of Empire. Erase that one entirely please. I'll always read fics that write out Ruins of Empire and replace it with something that makes sense and isn't Kuvira-apologist nonsense.

Kuvira attempted a genocide. She had deadly work-camps. She tried to kill her so-called family and her boyfriend/fiancee, and started what basically amounted to a world war with a hell of a lot of war crimes. And I'm supposed to find her "redeeming arc" believable? Because she saves the Krew once and then admits she's guilty? No way, that's hogwash. That's not even redemption. That's bare minimum. She hasn't done any redemption actions yet. Anyway, the only good scene in that entire comic was the one page we got of Asami and Korra in the bedroom, where we learn they share a bed -- omg, yay! bed sharing! -- but beyond that, the comic as a whole should not exist.

17. ...the world-building aspect of the story I have the greatest admiration for.

To be honest, Legend of Korra suffers from too-few-episodes-syndrome. They rushed the story and world-building because they simply weren't allowed more episodes to really give us the depth the writers and directors seemed to want. This is entirely Nickolodeon's fault, as Nickopoopeon (as I like to call them), kept trying to cancel the show because Korra is a woman with brown skin. The directors fought tooth and nail to get all four seasons, and then fought to end it with Korrasami. (They couldn't get the kiss scene in so instead they have Korra and Asami mirror the wedding stance to make it clear they are now a couple).

So the best worldbuilding that we got in the show?

It's mostly a tie between Zaofu and the Airbenders. They did a really good job of exploring a communal-like society that is focused on science and engineering. The design of the city's domes is absolutely brilliant, and the train system is well done.

Now, up to this point, the worldbuilding is okay but doesn't dig as deep as ATLA had, but it's entirely due to lack of time. They still managed to pack a lot into the episodes via the details in the background and carefully written dialogue, so I have great admiration for what they pulled off considering their constraints.

I wish I could say technology as a whole for this question, but there's the... hummingbirds....

In the Art Book for Book 4, the creators admit that they made them up for the cool factor.

But if you look at the technology level of the show and what would be needed for the hummingbirds to fly, it would require tech that is so far advanced that it is legit not possible for it to exist yet in that capacity.

Asami may be a genius, but that is a lot of creating ideas from scratch with no known precursor tech. Generally tech has an evolutionary tail (for lack of a better term), so you can trace how prior ideas were expanded, retrofit, redone, and made anew based on new theories, new resources, experiments that reveal new uses, etc...

We don't see that with the hummingbirds. Asami just has an idea. Draws a great sketch. Gets annoyed at Varrick like always. And somehow magically makes it.

The amount of small parts to make those wings flutter like they did? In real life we did not have that tech until the 70s. But Legend of Korra is meant to have 1930s/40s equivalent technology. The hummingbirds don't fit the tech period at all. It was MADDENING.

I can deal with the giant mech as there's some precursor to that at Zaofu with the domes, and it actually moves slowly and honestly highly inefficiently. It doesn't have very good movements at all, and with its size, there's not a lot of small parts. So yeah, I can see it mostly fitting the tech period.

Anyway, point is, up to this point, the show had done a relatively decent job with technology and have it fit the lore.

But then we get the hummingbirds, and I facepalmed myself into the center of the earth.

Cool factor indeed.

19. ..one behind-the-scenes trivia fact I've learned somewhere and my thoughts on it.

Well. Um. I already answered this in the prior answer. The Art Book of Book 4 literally uses the term "cool factor" as the the reason for the hummingbird's existence. See above for my thoughts. LOL

20. ...exactly how little or how much headspace this fandom takes up in my brain at any given point.

It's honestly a little embarrassing. I think about Korrasami almost as much as Supercorp, and I think about that multiple times a day.

Like when I saw Legend of Korra for the first time, I was just obsessed with it and it dominated my thoughts and writing. It's actually how I began to heal from what my abuser did, where I was finally able to write again.

I may not be able to write my original fiction yet, due to that trauma, but I can write fanfiction. Which is all thanks to Korrasami and Supercorp.

Thank you for asking! :)

As for your question about Arcane, I actually cannot watch it. It's too triggering. I've only seen the first episode and part of a second but had to stop. I'm told it's good, but to be honest, I never liked the League of Legends universe (talk about triggering lore in those games). I do like there is a lesbian relationship that's canon in it, so I can appreciate that from afar.

[naokosona]

It's been a while. I decided to only post when I felt particularly bad. I am proud of myself, as it has been 23 days since my last post.

For a couple of years now, I have suspected that I have CPTSD. Many people I've met throughout the years (friends who have it, counselors, etc) all say that I should get diagnosed.

But I refused.

I have so many things wrong with me, that adding ANYTHING else to the ever growing cocktail of symptoms, diagnoses, and medication that I have managed to acquire in the past couple of years is reminiscent of a pokemon trainer trying to "catch 'em all".

Earlier today, I would have to say I experienced an "emotional flashback." Something a lot of sufferers afflicted with (c)PTSD face quite often.

I had no discernable, specific reason as to why it happened. Just tiny little reasons accumulated throughout the day that culminated into an explosive thing later on.

The flashback started while I was driving.

My car is my sacred place. I spend countless hours driving, of course. But every mile added on to the odometer is another mile filled with many memories and experiences. I spent many countless hours eating food in, laughing with friends in, sleeping in, listening to music in: my car.

Unfortunately, I have also cried in my car.

Today was another incident of that happening.

I barely got sleep last night, and I spent the whole day running errands for my internship. I felt like a lap dog, even though that is solely the purpose of my job. I also had to drive an hour just to run an errand for my mom as well. I was sweaty and hot from the heat, and frankly, very frustrated.

As I was finally driving home after a long day, I randomly thought about my life.

I thought about how I ended up in this situation: what led me to working as an intern, what led me to move to Massachusetts, what led me to finish my degree in another college, 18 year old me never expected to attend. (I will go more into detail in a future post.)

I also thought about my past. I had a messy, irrational pattern of thoughts loosely strung together: I wouldn't have to be in this position, sweating my ass off, struggling my way through school, if my parents didn't mistreat me when I was a child.

It made no sense.

I also thought about my love life and how I finally found someone who was healthy for me. But my mind self-sabatoges and tells myself that "it wouldn't last." That if they saw this side of me, that they would hate me too. Even though I know that isn't the truth.

I screamed in my car. I played sad music in my car. I cried in my car. All while I was driving the 30-minute car ride back to my apartment.

The moment I got home, I changed, wiped myself off, and ate a sad bowl of totinos. I then took a nap.

I just woke up as of me writing this. I woke up fine. In my dreams, I was mad and frustrated. My emotions couldn't escape me, even in my sleep.

But once again, I woke up fine.

I cried, screamed, yelled, and sobbed earlier today.

But I woke up fine.

I could've self-harmed today, but I chose to take a nap instead. And I woke up fine.

Reflective Thoughts:

There was a quote I saw from a TikTok a couple of days ago. I know, very "Gen Z" of me. But in this circumstance, I was reminded of it.

And suddenly, it was July, and I don't remember what I cried about in February.

I woke up fine.

[kimtaegis]

I don't think I have ever hyperfixated on something this long other than bts.. I've always had interests that stayed with me for a long time but then for a few months I kind of stopped because there was no content or I got into something else... But with bangtan it has been a constant interest for years. And it really sucks that they have to go, even though Jin is coming back in 6 months.. I will be forever grateful for them for how they handled their solo era. I know lots of people simply couldn't keep up with all the content (me included, I still have a few things I need to watch when I'll have time) and/or burned out because of how much we got but at the same time, time flew by so quickly. I mean Jin left a year ago and it doesn't feel like a year? At least to me.

I'm a little bit afraid of the future though because while I know they recorded a lot of content for us, I feel like it'll be different and fewer than a solo album promo. Now I'm not trying to say that they didn't do enough for us before anyone misunderstands! I just want to say that I feel like because the content will be different and nobody here to idk randomly go live, time will feel slower than it did in the past year :( I'm also really curious if I can keep my hyperfixation throughout this period or if I'll also take a break for awhile. Bangtan has never really stopped before so it felt like there is always something to do or watch.

it’s very valid to worry about how these next few months will go; as you said yourself, both them and us fans never experienced such a period of time before. it’s so normal to be a scared of the unknown, of the future in general, in my opinion! but as I try to vehemently tell myself these days: we have no choice but to find out eventually, and however it will go, time will pass anyway (yes it’s this infamous quote that has been going around social media but it’s so true!).

maybe we as a fandom will finally be able to slow things down to actually enjoy and appreciate the content we get during that time more (I feel like everything has been incredibly fast-paced which took away a lot of my enjoyment, actually) but also the content we received so far. also what namjoon said in his letter today is something I try holding close to my heart; it really is a comfort to have something to look forward to. they won’t be back forever, this is all temporary, and life will inevitably go on. repeating this to yourself about a hundred times a day actually helps a little! ….. and it’s gonna be insane once they all come back. just imagine that pure joy. it’s worth waiting for.

if they have been such a constant in your life, this little time apart will only make your heart grow fonder, I’m sure of it. a hyperfixation isn’t the healthiest thing, pretty sure we all secretly know that (yet here we are), so hey, this could be a pretty good opportunity to dabble into various new things, or to go back to old loves of yours, or to just concentrate on something else entirely. your heart is so big, there’s more than enough space for your persistent love for bts and fresh and new beloved things that you might come across!

that comfort-giving, fondness-inducing, seven-butt imprinted corner in there (taps your chest sternly) will always be there if you want it to!! 🤍🤍🤍

[theambitiouswoman]

So let’s talk about the last guy I dated

i’m literally already crying at the thought of writing this but whatever here goes. A little perspective on me, i don’t date a lot. I never really like anyone either. I have found myself always being the alpha in the relationship (i know ive touched on that a lot on here lately) I realize now, that it was because i overpowered the guys like crazy. Because of that, i had a hard time submitting to them. I cant tell you how many times these guys would argue with me cause i wasn’t affectionate, or say cute things, or complement them. I had a hard time letting them take care of me. I was the one solving the problems... the list goes on. I had gotten so used to it honestly that i didn’t think i even had it in me. Its not what i wanted, at all. I didn’t want to be that person but i couldn’t necessarily force myself to say cute things? Its not in my nature. When i say things, i say them with my whole heart.

So now that we got that out of the way. I met some guy online who is in the same industry as me and we would talk but no big deal. and i talk to plenty of guys in my industry & he lived in another state. He moved down to my state and one day was texting me randomly about seeing me. I was in a good mood that day, had a spa day, so i was like sure no big deal. I literally detest going out and meeting guys. i got so bored of it that even when i went on dates i would put zero effort lol so naturally, i put zero effort here cause it was no big deal.

So i get to the guys house (another thing i don’t do) and the second we met it was like i knew him forever. he said it too. several times throughout the night. i swear i don’t know what got into me, but my whole demeanor changed the second i met him. i was sweet and bubbly and perky. wasn’t even intentional. i remember we were leaving to the restaurant and something fell inside the house and made a noise and i freaked out and grabbed on to him without thinking. this is something i have never done. ever. not with a boyfriend or anything. i never show i’m scared. in fact when everyone’s scared they hang on to me. and i know it sounds dumb, but it was like a “wait a minute” moment for me.

So this little gathering ended up turning into a super romantic date with a walk on a pier and all that. We even kissed on the pier like one of those movie kisses that are super passionate and drop everything. Best date i’ve ever been on for sure.

The day i met him brought out a completely different side of me. A side i literally didn’t know i had in me. I would catch myself and try to stop myself sometimes too because it was all subconsciously. Affectionate, peaceful, constant complements, playful. Safe. A whole different world. Every woman deserves to have those qualities brought out of them. Its literally why i agree with that quote floating around that even a strong woman will submit to a guy she trusts to leads. Because i would sure as hell never would have agreed with that statement before.

ok, I dont want to talk about this anymore lol

[joyfulhopelox]

content tag game ʕ￫ᴥ￩　ʔ

Tagged by the lovely @kithtaehyung i also just realised that i am that awful at tumblr and making sure to sort my tags that i missed an important person who tagged me 😭 @bangtanhome 💕 i am so sorry, i had this in my drafts and i could swear i tagged you but it didn’t since i was not on mobile 😭 i have also been tagged by @secretum-scriptor 💕 (wow tumblr is doing a great job with notifications)

thank you for the tag it’s such a wonderful way to get to know someone and i thoroughly enjoyed reading yours ❤️

I am tagging: @hobipaint  @hobiandsprite @missgeniality @mochi-molala @rosietae @pjmsdior​ @rosereveries @yoonjinkooked @randombtsprincessa (you do not have to do this also! please ignore if so!) there is a message for everyone at the bottom if you wanna jump straight to that.

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

Once Upon A Time, Dr Who, Sherlock, tried my hand at Haikyuu, Naruto, MCR, The Maine, Suits, The GazettE, Gackt, Big Bang, Infinite...ok, i never realised how much stuff i had....this is shocking to me

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for?

Just BTS

3. how long have you been writing? 

Since 2008? On and off so i still consider myself a newbie

4. on which platforms do you post your stories? 

Used to post on Quizilla, ff.net, asianfanfics now just on Tumblr

5. what is your favourite genre to write? 

Fluff, angst with happy end. Anything that ends well, even if the ending is open, it just needs to have a glimmer of hope in there. 

6. are you a pantser or a planner? 

well, both? i aspire to be a planner, end up being a pantser most of the time. I just let my characters take me where they want to.

7. one shot or multi-chapter? 

One shot, multi chaptered (even though i have my Voir Dire series) makes me feel bad when i can’t meet the posting schedule.

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion? 

10k-30k? Depends on a lot of things (that is for one shots though) as a chapter i would say 5k

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete? 

Voir Dire as it is a chaptered fic, stands at 27k at the moment and it is not finished (got a long way to go) but my one shots, the longest is my yoongi hogwarts au one which is 13k (for now-they seem to be getting longer)

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most? 

tough one, i enjoy all of them, each has left their mark on me and helped me grow and experience things, but if i had to pick i would say Voir Dire as it made me do a lot of research plus mafia au has always been something i have wanted to write or sleeposal! It was only a drabble but working on it has been such a fun experience for me! 

11. favourite request you’ve have written and why (if any?) 

there is one coming out soon, it was an arranged marriage au yoongi which was meant to be a drabble, and it ended up a 12k one shot.

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories? 

i had to ask the person who has read the most of my stories about this because i try to not have any reocurring themes if i can help it, i like to diversify depending on the story. and seems like i have succeeded somehow, i think?

13. current number of wips? 

mostly collabs for now this monts is quite collab heavy, and some drabble requests but i think the other ones that i have planned equal all those in number so i would have to say in between a lot and a lot

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing? 

i have a lot of expressions i use repeatedly throughout my fics (i am trying to get better at that), i have improved on the heaviness of the plots and emotions quite a bit and my grammar (always gotta be careful with that), i also like metaphors...like...a lot

15. a quote you like from a published story. 

I was quite proud of this one, it’s a drabble called i wish you knew 

‘Life is never simple. Life doesn’t care about the wishes of two young lovers. Life doesn’t stop just because you want to hold his hand forever. Just like the heat of the summer, your fire dwindled to a steady heat. Like the remnants of a bonfire, your flame became hot coals. A summer was not enough to keep your love burning, and the scare of your first fight reduced it to smoke in an instant.’

16. a quote from an unpublished story. 

this is hard, because this has been in my drafts for so long, and i do not know if it will ever see the light of the day as it is so close to home that i may chicken out of actually publishing it but: it is meant to be part of my Love Blossom Series, Taehyung’s Story, it would have been entitled White Tulip;

‘You knew that it was soon to be over;  the warm smiles, the secret touches, the pads of your fingers brushing against each other. You could feel it in the hugs that would end up with you, a giggling mess swept off your feet, the loving stares, the kisses you would steal from each other during your short break. You knew, behind all that, there was heartbreak lurking, waiting to strike. Your foundation was not strong enough to hold everything up. ‘

17. space for you to say something to your readers. 

i never know what to say, which is funny because i write, i should be able to express my feelings easily, yet i can’t say enough thank yous, and i cannot express how much each and every one of you means to me. whether you have commented or not, reblogged or not, followed me or not, or just stumbled upon one of my fics randomly but still stayed and read, it all means the world to me. It makes me so happy to read comments and see what everyone things of my 2am musings, and i feel like even if i have or not interacted with you i’m surrounded by friends who get to see this side of me. thank you and i love you all! 

[painting-wings]

The Toxic friend story

So if you didn’t know I replied to this on a post....

So yea, here is the story and I’m not going to say their name so I’m just going to refer to them as T  also this story spans from when I was in High school all the way up until college...so very long friendship, so many red flags so many things wrong and should’ve been called out but wasn’t... so hopefully this can help someone out if they have a toxic friend to try and see the signs. 

                                    THIS IS A VERY LONG STORY 

Me and T were close in High school we would go round each others houses, hang out, go to the movies etc... we would have the odd silly argument like what friends do. Coming to the end of High school like the last few years, I noticed that T seemed not their self, so as a good friend I asked them if they was okay and if they needed to talk, i’m here, which they said “I know, thank you” going on to the last month of High school before we finish and then go onto college I noticed again they seemed more depressed, which I do get it because through your High school years everything is weird. 

But again I told them “I’m here if you need to talk, whatever we talk about stays between us” and once again they said “I know, thank you” now i’m not a pushy person I understand if someone isn’t ready to talk about something then we won’t...seems normal right? well just wait.

Few months after finishing High school during the summer break I decided to meet up with T for a catch up, we decided to go to the movies, everything was fine and normal we was laughing, talking whatever...after the movie finished we went for food, on deciding where to go T mentioned could we go somewhere with alcohol....I found this odd as I didn’t really drink and felt little uncomfortable going somewhere that did, when asked them why they had a guilty look on their face and said “no reason, just want to have a good time and forget some issues that are happening right now” 

 I felt concerned for them and when asked what was wrong they would always change the subject, when I did try to go back onto the subject they would get a little aggressive and tell me to stop. (I never tired to pry into their personal life) I would always say that it’s good to talk about issues and get it off your chest. 

Not thinking about it too much, I left it and went on to something else, going into college years this is where it get’s interesting.... I went to a different college to T so we did break away naturally with the occasional short message. of how are you? and T would always ask about me but whenever I would ask about them, they would change the subject. At this point I knew it was just them and I’m never going to find out. 

T one day asked me to come to their birthday dinner and I met all their new friends they made in college, these friends seem nice and I got along well with all of them apart from one who seemed super uptight and always brought the room down for no reason. 

Anyway months had passed and T told me that they had a argument with one of the friends...T told me that this friend was horrible manipulating them and groomed T to their liking. Being the good friend I was I was shocked and upset that someone had done this to my friend and after this T spiralled into a state of depression, (I tired messaging them throughout this time saying to them that I was here and they never answered my messages for weeks on end) 

T had picked up the courage and messaged me back apologising, saying that they was a bad friend, I told them they wasn’t and it’s okay (big mistake) from this point I was doing my third year of college and decided to transfer to a closer campus to my home to which T was at this campus. 

We was both happy to be studying together again. It felt nice to connect back after T had their break and ‘got better’ they let it slip to me that they had been emitted to a mental hospital during one summer, I was in shock because I didn’t realise they was suffering so much. Once again I felt bad for them. 

But I found it strange at how T was so obsessed with my personal life, they found it funny how I (at the time) hadn’t had a boyfriend yet, while T liked to sleep around and had multiple boyfriends, another thing that T couldn’t understand was why I didn’t like to go to parties or drink, T would call me boring and no fun, which I would just laugh and say “well I have part time job and I need money to pay for things” 

Even during lectures I would ask for T’s help in either making notes or could they explain something to me, also I would help them out whenever they needed help with the class all the time and when I came down to me they would always disappear and not reply to my messages.  

At this point I was getting annoyed with my friend, when I tried to confront them, T would say and I quote “you never want to hang out whenever you do message me it’s always about college work and you never ask how I am it’s all about you”  

I felt hurt by this and I did have commitments so I couldn’t hang out 24/7 I tried explaining this to them but it fell on deaf ears, T would come back with “Sorry i’m such a bad friend” 

Little into the college year our class was having a trip to a different country to do some studying, I was excited as I hadn’t been to another country before, a week before the trip I made a promise to T’s mum that I would look out for her on the trip and she does the same for me. 

First night in a different country T ditched me for the other class that came with us and I was scared, annoyed and tired so that night when T tried to talk to me I just ignored them. The morning of the second day T tried apologising to me which I told them to drop it and forget...(looking back on it now I really did want to rip into them and give them a piece of my mind... but didn’t) 

Not much happened after we got back from the college trip apart from I wasn’t talking to T much, wasn’t until I started talking to a boy then T was trying to put effort into talking to me and ‘wanting to be my friend’ I proceeded this with caution. 

T even so much said to me that they would “talk to him and see if he likes you, also I know him he’s a good one”  it was true the boy I was talking to and T had been friends (key word being HAD) I said that there was no need and I’m just fine talking to him. 

On a side note I would pick T up in the mornings to go to college and even sometimes drop them home, but there was a time when I couldn’t get a ride, I had asked T if it was okay if they could drop me home but there was always some hesitation, even when I offered to give them petrol money (they never offered to give me petrol money) 

When graduation came we was mutual, not as close as we used to be but it was casual. Things got quite after graduation...I re-posted a picture on my social media along the lines of ‘we are not in High school anymore we all have our own sh*t to get on with and be adults’ 

I found this funny because it was true how everyone I did go to school / college with we was acting all like adults and doing our own thing, what I didn’t expect was T to randomly pop up saying and I quote, 

“well it would be nice to check up on your friends every once in a while” 

I was very confused as T stopped talking to me for a whole year after graduation and then they randomly pop up out of the blue...to which I told them (this is how the convo went) 

Me - “well I don’t see you checking up on me?” 

T - “I shouldn’t have to when you don’t for me”

Me - “Okay but I have a job thats very demanding I can’t keep looking at my phone and messaging everyone on my friends list” 

T - “that’s not my problem but it would be nice to see that you care”

Me - “ T I can’t i’m very busy also I don’t see you checking in on me, I shouldn’t have to be the one to message first”

T - “whenever you did message me it was always todo about college work never to ask to hang out”

Me - “what? I tried multiple times to get you to hang out but it was always too inconvenient for you or you was busy” 

T - “that’s because you’d ask me last minute...”

Me - “I would ask you a week in advance because I have a busy schedule and I needed to plan ahead” 

T - “I’m sorry for being such a bad friend” 

Me - “why are you saying this?” 

And they would leave me on read not to reply for about a week or two. 

Things got pretty quiet, me and my (now current) boyfriend hit it off and it was good, then after two years my boyfriend, older sister and myself went shopping together, while shopping I noticed that it was T, under my breath I said to my boyfriend ‘Look there is T’ he looked and rolled his eyes (he had some personal issues with T himself too) what I didn’t realise was that T’s parents where standing behind me. 

I walked away towards the cashiers ready to pay for my items when I walked away T’s parents said “oh that’s so childish” all because I didn’t say hello to them or T, ignoring the comment I didn’t think about it for a while but little did I know that a storm was coming. 

Must've been 3/4 weeks after seeing T in the shop, I got a random message from T again and it was a long paragraph... along the lines of this : 

(C is my boyfriend, again I don’t want to give names) 

“My parents saw you and C in the shop the other day and they said that you was talking sh*t about me very loudly and they could hear you, you didn’t even stop to say hi and ask to see how everyone was doing I found it rude and unbelievable that a long term friend of mine would be so selfish to do so what do you have to say for yourself?” 

This is what I had to say :

“Woah...well first of all me and C wasn’t talking sh*t about you and I don’t have to speak to you if I see you out, if you saw me why didn’t you come up and say something? also you haven’t spoken to me in TWO YEARS whenever you message me it’s always something bad, or you want something from me if anything I find that very rude and I didn’t appreciate your parents calling me childish, when once again it works both ways...” 

T’s reply :

“Well I shouldn’t have to be the one to make all the work and put in the effort it would be nice for you to do something, but no you’re selfish and when I was struggling you NEVER asked if I was okay, if anything you made fun of my mental health, bullied me because of it, you never cared, I tried to give you so many chances to make up for it but this is the last straw...” 

At this point I was furious...

“T seriously what the f*ck I never NEVER bullied you about it if anything I never told anyone about your mental health, I have kept secrets that you have told me no one knows anything I could tell people but I never did....also never once did you check in on me when I was at my lowest you never cared or asked me how I was feeling....or even asked me out it was always to a bar or somewhere with alcohol, am I that bad you need to f*cking drink to be around me? once again I told you multiple times I have a demanding job, I can’t ask if you’re okay every 5 f*cking seconds...stop getting so triggered not everything is about you ”  

T - ‘you know what f*ck you, I don’t get triggered I find it rude and very f*cking selfish and don’t I get a thanks for basically setting you up with C? and getting you that one job?” 

Me - “T you never set me up with C....I did that on my own and that job you never got me that one job you said about it and I looked into it you never got me it...but whatever” 

T - ‘You always have been nasty bully, I thought I could be friends but guess not” *T has now blocked you from the conversation* 

*T HAS UNFRIENDED YOU*

*T HAS UNFOLLOWED & BLOCKED YOU* 

And since that day me and T haven’t spoken we have gone our separate ways, as far as I know they moved out of town, so I don’t have to see them again ever, if anything their name makes me sick...there was so much more to this story than has been told but that’s for another time... 

What did you think about T are you on their side or mine? was I the asshole? i’m really curious to hear your thoughts... 

Please be nice as this is a sensitive topic for me that I hate to re-think, this so called friendship that we had has scared me and now i’m  very cautious when people want to get close to me (In a friendship way) 

[my-never-ending-nightmare]

11/22/2021

“Why are you reading Wikipedia in Walmart?”

By far one of the strangest questions I’ve ever been asked lol. And honestly one that scared the shit out of me, too. Because the person asking it was somebody who I haven’t seen in at least 5 years – and they were standing right behind me. I had no idea they were there at all. Idk if I was super engrossed in what I was reading or if her stealth stats are just maxed out but regardless – it startled me. And to put this in some sort of context that makes more sense: I had been looking through the DVD/Blu-ray bargain bin at Walmart and there was this shitty looking documentary series about the most defining moments of the 21st century (thus far, I guess) and the second episode was supposed to be about 9/11, “the first attack on American soil since Pearl Harbor.” Which got me thinking – during WWII didn’t the Germans torpedo American ships in & around the NYC harbor after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor? If so, then I guess this DVDs claim was technically correct – but aren’t a countries waters considered part of that country and thus technically an attack there would be an attack on said country itself? It was these questions that led to me pulling out my phone and looking up U-boat operations in the Atlantic and American East Coast from 1939 to 1945 lol.

I’ve always had an incredibly inquisitive and analytical mind, so much so that when I was growing up adults always used to jokingly tell me that I should be a lawyer. But this kind of a mind meant that Wikipedia was a godsend for me. I’m always pulling my phone out randomly throughout the day to look up random information and facts regarding whatever thought or question has popped into my head. Like, Wikipedia is probably the only reason my head is as full of random names, dates, quotes, & facts as it is. My parents have told me before that it used to drive them nuts when I was a kid because I used to constantly ask questions. Especially during car rides. Stuff like why is the sky blue? Or, why don’t dogs live longer? It got so bad that when I was 5 years old they gave me a portable cassette player (this was 1999) so that I would hopefully distract myself by listening to music. I still remember one of those cassettes really well – it was a tape of Alvin & The Chipmunks songs. In fact, I can even specifically remember listening to it while strapped into the booster seat in the back of my parents van when I asked my mom this exact question: why don’t motorcycles have seatbelts? And I can even vaguely remember her trying to tell me that a seatbelt would just do more harm than good in a motorcycle accident.

As I got older the questions became more & more complex. I wanted to know the Who, What, When, Where, Why and How about everything and anything. So when I discovered Google & Wikipedia sometime around 2003 when I first started getting my taste of unsupervised internet access it must have been such a relief to my parents. I still asked my parents random, pretty difficult questions well into my early teens – but my thoughts & questions were becoming darker & darker until one of the last serious questions I ever remember going to them for an answer to was something along the lines of: If God is real then why do so many horrible things happen? If the world is full of this much pain & suffering then how can God be real if he loves us? And if he is real, isn’t it more likely that he doesn’t want us?

As irresponsible as it was of my parents to give a 9 year old unmonitored internet access, at least it saved them from having to answer such unanswerable questions lol.

It really bothered me growing up when teachers always used to talk shit about Wikipedia & disallowed it to be used as a source in any school work. Like, Wikipedia is an incredibly good source of information regarding nearly anything - and practically every sentence in an article has a source for it. I used to always bypass the Wiki ban in high school & college by just finding the source, checking it myself to make sure it actually contains the information Wiki said it does, then I'd just use that source material as my source. It made life so easy lol. I think boomers just had/have a kneejerk reaction to something new that they don't care to try to understand. But, then again, I’m growing increasingly guilty of the same sort of thing the older I get.

Anyway, I guess my point is this: Of all the awkward situations I've been in (and I've been in quite a few) none were as difficult to talk my way out of as having to explain to an old friend what the Kriegsmarine was & why I'm standing in Walmart reading about their operations against the United States of America during World War II lmao

[hongism]

hi caly boo its ur 🌊 anon! i finally finished the most brilliant darkness and oh my lawd i’m in spain without the s. to put it shortly: U DID NOT DISAPPOINT BESTIE, and it seems unreal that u and ur mind and this fic even exists bc every moment is just polished to perfection, while simultaneously every character is polished to a sort of imperfect perfection(?). i have so many questions and things to say idek where to start, and tho im not good with words and even worse at deciphering hidden meanings, here are just some of my thoughts that i remember from the story.

hello my dear!!! eee im gonna answer separately since i think i’ll be very long-winded as usual but first of all thank you so much :(( this fic is actually very full of subliminal messages and hidden nuances that are weaved throughout which i think could be quite confusing so i apologize for that! if i had managed my time better, i would have adjusted when i started the fic to account for managing those aspects of the fic but alas i’m terrible at time management and i suck so. anyways.

first of all, ngl halfway into the story i lowkey forgot this was a wooyoung fic bc SANNN and also bc wooyoung appeared like 3 times lol. even after it finishing all that, i still had my doubts as to why this is a wooyoung fic, or more like why is san this significant in a wooyoung fic. im still a bit slow on these pls forgive me and im just curious why u made it like that.

i think yeah the most interesting thing about this fic is the emphasis on san over wooyoung. and when looking over it yeah i could have switched san and wooyoung’s characters and called it a day, but wooyoung really in my mind acts as the integral turning point for decisions made in the story. 

the goal with the fic wasn’t really to be hyperfocused on the pairing itself, but rather the emotions and thought processes of each character (aside from wooyoung). wooyoung was kept intentionally mysterious and a bit set apart from the rest of the fic because his role in story was moreso an abstract of hestia, the goddess of the hearth and home. wooyoung’s character appeared in times where y/n was struggling with the thought of home or adjusting to the new changes in her life! wooyoung’s pairing itself was actually intended to be solely platonic at first, but as the story went on i thought having mc develop feelings for him added another turning point in the fic!

moving on, the second biggest question i had is the whole hestia!wooyoung and cafe aurora situation. i did a bit of reading on hestia and only found out that she was the goddess of hearth, which might explain the fireplace and the kind of homey feeling to the cafe. and ‘cafe aurora not really existing to most’ part, which was already hinted at wooyoung randomly disappearing, mc never seeing the cafe before or wooyoung only bringing people he wants into it. i get that him inviting mc must suggest her significance to him, but why was he so adamant about his friends not mentioning him or the cafe to mc before that? wooyoung is quite a mysterious character i think, and given that this fic is supposed to be about him, it’s a bit odd that there’s still so many things left unknown, but its kinda cool that way nonetheless and im guessing u would also like to explain that further outside of the story too.

i think my biggest regret about this fic is the fucking summary.... i wrote that summary well before i even started writing the fic thinking it would go in that direction but it didn’t. and since this fic was for a collab, i left the summary as is because i genuinely cannot for the life of me figure out a better one. but i’m trying to figure out a better one. but i really fucking hate the current summary because it’s not at all what the fic is truly about and i hate it.

however, i don’t hate the fic itself, and the reason why i don’t is because i got to play with both my writing style and how i displayed the story. for this collab we were asked to pick a greek god and one of the seven deadly sins, and i selected hestia and sloth. and initially i had intended to have sloth be represented by the reader’s depression, and wooyoung be a more ‘real’ depiction of hestia. i shifted gears very early on in the fic but what it became is moreso abstract realizations in the characters.

san’s character is meant to be this idea of sloth, and it’s mentioned several times that he doesn’t want to move forward, he wants to go slow, he wants to stop moving so fast through life, and those things point to him being a depiction of sloth

wooyoung’s was harder to encapsulate in a more abstract way but you hit the nail on the head really with the homey feeling of the cafe. beyond that, mc talks about just naturally feeling at ease and comfortable with how things are with wooyoung and being around him, and he takes up this role of being the likeable, warm, cozy, comforting character. it all comes to a head in the last scene where he brings both y/n and san into the cafe.

and again wooyoung’s character is meant to be most mysterious and abstract, but if i had had more time to fully flesh out the fic, i think i would have liked to touch more on him. at the same time however i left it more open-ended and open to interpretation. the significance in him inviting mc in and not being mentioned by the others sooner is twofold. one; the others never really had any reason whatsoever to mention wooyoung. he was a friend outside the circle who never joined in with them when mc was around. i personally in my own friendships don’t mention friends outside the circle by name or anything, just kinda vaguely talking about them unless im certain the people know who this person is. the concept of wooyoung having to invite mc in was more nuanced and vague as well, intentionally so, but that was moreso meant to represent this idea of ‘you can’t make a home somewhere where you aren’t invited’ so y/n couldn’t fully make a home of the place she was in without being invited in and welcomed in, but again that’s something i wish i had more time to fully flesh out.

the hongjoong speech about love (and also the interaction with seonghwa after that) deserves a standing ovation of its own 👏 unfortunately, or not, im not actually going through the emotional turmoil regarding love the same way as hj or mc to be able to fully relate to his words, but the whole ‘if you dont love what u see in the mirror then u dont love it’ mentality really hit me hard, and i’d like to hang onto that when i make decisions in the future haha thank you wise caly! seonghwa and hongjoong’s story is also beautiful, and just like mc said, the more i look at it the more it hurts :’)

the hongjoong speech about love was meant to be something very jaded and specific to his worldview. it actually isn’t wholly how i view love personally, but it was a perfect description to how both he and y/n perceived the love in their own lives. mostly thanks to their own emotional turmoils. the mentality of the mirror quote is something that i think i also struggle with, which is why i included it. it’s hard to do, but even in friendships, i think it’s necessarily to stop and look at the person you were before this relationship and then the person during this relationship. if you don’t love the one you are now, then maybe it’s a sign to reflect and see the bigger picture, so that was a lil reminder to myself and i’m glad it touched you as well!!!

“do you love him, or do you love the idea of being in love with him?” - haha i see what u did there (or maybe i didnt please dont laugh at me if i didnt). its still so good everytime i see it bc i keep finding myself loving just the idea of things time and time again even when this makes total sense to me oof :/

heh yeah again with the more abstract concepts this one was more direct and ‘cliche’ but i fully wanted that cliche in the fic because i thought it suited the situation where mc was constantly struggling with a version of san that she thought she loved vs the version of san she got every time they were together

despite how enlightened she seems to be, mc still made the same choices, and i wanna smack her for it and pat her back at the same time. and maybe also bc of the fact that she feels so differently for the two men that i feel like no ending could really justify her decision, so ending in the vague is probably the best. your ending might kind of allude to someone more than the other already, and tho i still don’t think he’s the best one for her based on just my pov on love, i kinda agree with you. but again, this raises the question of, why a wooyoung fic and not a san fic?

and yeah the whole knife in the chest at the end of it all is that she was still too scared to face the music so to speak. but really i would say she made the same choices up until the conversation on the balcony with san. and you’re absolutely right, the reason i chose the ending the way i did was because either way, there’s no justification. and actually although it might seems like i was alluding to someone specific, san being in the cafe at the very end was moreso to represent that as much as they fought, he still very much loved her and wanted to be loved by her. it was kinda an open casket ending there were no nails in the coffin, the choice between wooyoung and san still stands and an argument could be made for either of them! i think this is a fic that i could see myself revisiting one day with two endings - one for san, and one for wooyoung.

something i didn’t mention earlier about wooyoung’s character being left intentionally mysterious was that he was representing a new and budding love. the honeymoon phase where you’re falling for someone you don’t even really know. you are the reader aren’t meant to really know who wooyoung is because of that beyond what you read about him, so his past and such was left out intentionally to represent that idea of ‘hey wow im in love with a stranger!’ whereas san was this gritty love that’s bad for you. and there are pros and cons to each just as with anything!!

so,,,, why a wooyoung fic and not a san fic? well i picked wooyoung for my collab so he was one of the main focuses of the fic regardless of which direction i took with it. as for why wooyoung wasn’t more forward, i already answered that but !!! i view it as both a wooyoung fic and a san fic. both are highlighted characters with main pairing roles!

i literally just woke up to write this and am going back to sleep ahaha so i apologize if this makes no sense. i somehow felt like i’ve read so much yet so little at the same time, maybe bc there are still so many things i havent fully made sense of, and that’s where i hope you come in and enlighten me. i still stand by my word that this fic deserves so much more recognition despite the lack of explicit smut bc of how much more you’ve explored through character building. love you caly and thank u for working so hard <3 — 🌊

no worries my beloved i hope you go back to sleep and get lots and lots of rest!! and i hope my response helps enlighten the not so clear things as well dgjdklfg but really thank you so much. it was a long fic and hard to get through at times, but as a whole, i’m proud of it and what i created, so thank you for recognizing my efforts and appreciating them 🥺

[clairvoyantsam]

When dreams come true ft Jared Padalecki - 4th year anniversary

Rome, May 19th 2016 ... The day the ultimate dream came true! Some of you may remember I bumpted into Jared (or in fact, JARED bumpted into ME) while out and about in Rome that day, a few of my friends know all the details too, but I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned here exactly how and under what impossible circumstances this happened. So ... story time! (& stuff about jib5,6,7)

                                               BACKGROUND

This wasn’t the first time I met Jared, I had met him before at JIBCon5 in 2014, so this was my second time (I was supposed to see him at JIBCon6 in 2015 too which I attended as well but you guys know what happened that year). 

He was lovely that first time, I told him it was my first Supernatural convention and he gave me a warm welcome, made the entire experience so wonderful for me, during the photo ops, the autograph session (where I gave him a scrapbook with messages from fans I had been in contact with) and the panel question I asked him (I completed one of his sentences which was actually a Sam Winchester quote from SPN and it made both of us and the entire audience laugh xD - I have a photo of me somewhere from that moment and I haven’t seen myself smile so widely ever!). Anyway, like I said, the first convention was fantastic, a beautiful and most memorable experience (despite the fact that Jared had a misfortune that time too since he broke his arm and missed one of his panels as a consequence).

The second convention while it had its moments, it sat (and still sits to be honest) heavy in my heart because I was constantly worried about Jared’s wellbeing and everyone including me was heartbroken. The rest of the cast did everything they could to keep us all entertained, they truly did but there was a dark cloud over our heads that couldn’t be ignored. The first thing we talked about with Jensen at his meet and greet (because of  Jared’s absence, I was given the opportunity to be in that M&G, sitting right across from him and Robert Singer who was present at the con as well). Jensen was genuinely worried, he surely put on a brave face but whenever Jared was mentioned, he’d get emotional. While I asked show-related questions at the M&G, I wasn’t sure what to ask Jensen or tell him when I got his autograph and then I thought of the simplest thing: “So, I may be really sad about the empty spot next to you (Jared’s spot on the poster Jensen was signing for me) but I wanted to tell you that I truly appreciate the fact that you’re such a supportive and caring friend towards Jared. Everyone deserves a friend like you to have their back.” Then he took my hand, shook it, looked me right in the eye, put a hand on his heart and told me a sincere “Thank You”. Frankly, I loved Jensen even more at JIB6, he showed both a brave and vulnerable side and he tried so hard to give everyone a great time. My best photos with him are from that con for sure!

So, you see, I HAD to try and give my luck a third chance to live the perfect experience. I wanted to live it all, photo ops, autographs, M&G, panels but I also had a secret wish: to be one of those fans who accidentally meet their fav randomly in the city (NO stalking because that’s just fucked up, only by chance). I always saw posts of lucky people who got to meet him outside of conventions. He’s not one of those snob celebs, you see. He’ll always smile at you and talk to you and get pictures with you. So, I dreamt about it the entire year before JIB7. @darlingjared and I would talk and joke about it all the time, praying that our stars will listen and make a surprise meeting possible. Of course, deep down we know the chances were extremely low. Rome is a HUGE city with hundreds of places of interest. He could be anywhere, on the opposite site of where we’d be. 

The day finally arrived, and we got to Rome (Thursday, May 19th 2016). Soon after I arrived at the Hilton hotel, I got to my room to get some rest after the flight. Not much later, I got a text saying Jared was at the hotel!!!! (no idea why??? the convention was starting the next day and he wasn’t to appear until the day after that). Before I could get dressed to go check, he was gone but I heard he was really sweet and greeted everyone who said hi to him. 

In the afternoon, after I met with my roommate and @darlingjared ,we took the Hilton bus that took us downtown; it left us near the Victor Emmanuel II monument.  Naturally, we went for walks around the city. We had a bite to eat and then got lost in a street trying to find our way to the Trevi fountain, so we asked around and managed to get to our destination. We spent a few minutes there, taking photos and then continued our way, meaning to get to the Spanish steps. While we were heading there, rain started pouring, so we took shelter for a few minutes until it stopped. We thought, damn, we will never meet him during this weather. When it stopped, we did some shopping at a supermarket and since the time had passed and we had to grab our ride back to the hotel since the Hilton bus had a specific route schedule, we said let’s just pass the Spanish steps quickly, go down via Condotti and head back. (I have to mention here that my BEST DECISION EVER was to wear the Always Keep Fighting T-shirt for this walk). At this point, we were certain we wouldn’t meet him, so we basically forgot about it and just started chatting with each other and laughing. I mean, we walked around many places, we got lost, we got stuck in the rain. What were the odds??? So, we’re laughing at our own jokes and for some reason we had our attention focused at the right side of the street. I turn my head straight at the PERFECT time, seeing that beautiful, smiling giant, coming my way through the crowd and adressing me before I had the time to react:

Jared: “Hey, I love your shirt!” 

I fucking froze. Can you imagine?????? Not only did we eventually meet him but HE came to us FIRST to talk!!!!! We didn’t have to notice him and shyly go talk to him, wondering if we’re disturbing him, asking for pictures. He casually just approached us because he wanted to, because he’s kind and simple like that. I was so shocked, mouth agape, that he just went in for a hug to bring me back to reality!!! Now, name me another actor, another celebrity who will stop on his own to talk to you and hug you, I DARE YOU TO FIND ONE!!! He’s pure and special like that. He hugged each of us (gosh, he smelled like Heaven and looked so good in that sexy coat he wore, his hair kinda wet from the rain), asked us how we’re doing and then we asked if it would be ok to take some pictures with us. He said “sure!” and we took our phones out. Mine was brand new and I hadn’t even taken a picture with it, so, basically Jared blessed it first xD My hand was shaking so bad that I couldn’t take the picture, so, he put his hand on mine to steady it and took the selfie. He took pics with all of us, we thanked him and then he told us to have a good time and that he’d see us again at the convention. Needless to say when he left, we started losing it because we couldn’t believe what had just happened!!! It was out of this world. To this day, as I’m writing this, I still can’t believe it. We wanted something so SO much, that the universe made it happen. It’s one of those times that you know the stars aligned so that something you desired with all your heart could come true!

The entire convention was absolutely phenomenal. Jared remembered my face throughout the weekend, I asked him interesting questions during his panels and the one he shared with Jensen for which he later thanked me when I saw him at the photo ops (he particularly liked my question adressed to him and Jensen about the proudest they’ve felt about themselves in real life and about their characters on Supernatural and the other one concerning what Sam and Jared would tell each other if they met in real life which he found great because he said he had never been asked that before.) The M&G with him was a blast, he sat with us longer than what was expected, got to ask him two questions there (I have another detailed post with everything that was said in the M&G), he was super chill and eager to answer everything we wanted to know. When I got his autograph, I told him everything he means to me, thanked him for inspiring me to be a better version of myself, straight out told him I love him and he was so kind and gentle and shook my hand and told me he loved me back (also gave him a custom made chocolate I ordered particularly for him with #AKF as a theme). “I love you, always keeping fighting Jared, never forget.” I was on the verge of tears for multiple reasons but I had to say that to him. I was not in a good place back then and Jared was a beacon of light, of hope that kept me going. At our last photo op together, I asked him to hug me “like there’s no tomorrow” and he held me so tight in his arms, I couldn’t breathe but I didn’t care. I didn’t know what he looked like when he hugged me but getting out of the photo op room, the girl who was behind me stopped me in the hallway and said: “Omg, he was so sweet with you! Loved what he did with his eyes. Your photo will look beautiful”. I was confused because I was looking at the camera when the picture was taken, so I had to wait for my photo op to get printed to see what she was talking about. My heart melted when I saw this:

I mean, look at that SOFT face. He’s so sweet, you can FEEL his kindness radiating by reading his expression. Some people may think nothing of this but it meant the world to me back then. It was as if he was telling me “things will get better, you can do this” without using words.

When Jared hugs, he does it with everything he has, like he’s said before, hugging is showing you care about someone and damn, he does. He’s an actor but he doesn’t pretend during these moments, I can assure you. He’s a person who feels things deeply, he’s someone who understands what it’s like to struggle with your personal demons and that’s why I’ve always related to him the most. He has a heart of gold and personally, I’ll have his back always. He didn’t have to be so kind to me but he was and I will never forget that.

So this is my story. This post was probably too long but I had to share these thoughts. 

Jared, I know you don’t remember me but if you ever see this, thank you for being you, don’t ever change. I love you, man. #AKF

~Elena

[tays2centsonstuff]

A LOVE SONG FOR BOBBY LONG, 2004

synopsis: a headstrong young woman returns to new orleans after the death of her estranged mother, where she finds two men living in the house she supposedly inherited.

director: shainee gabel writers: ronald everett capps (novel), shainee gabel (screenplay) stars: scarlett johansson, john travolta, gabriel macht

genres: drama

country: usa language: egglish filming locations: new orleans, usa

runtime: 119mins

---

overall opinion:

ahhh this one. this might be my all-time favourite movie. I am constantly torn between telling others about it and just keeping this little gem all to myself. but here we are. I’m putting it out there. because I think it deserves to be seen.

the first time I saw this movie was yeeears ago when I randomly stumbled across the DVD in a store (yeah, that’s how long ago it was). I’m not someone who likes romantic movies so I have no idea why I picked it up because from the title to the description it just screamed love story to me.

nevertheless I decided to get it. and jesus am I glad I did. now, this is not by any means an exciting movie – but if you love character driven stories definitely give this a chance. the cast is absolutely incredible. 

the story revolves around pursy, a young woman who learns one day that her redneck boyfriend forgot to tell her that her estranged mother had died. she leaves immediately for the funeral only to realise once she gets to new orleans that she missed it. she learns that she inherited a house from her mother but when she goes there she discovers two men (john travolta and gabriel macht) who tell her they all inherited it, hoping it will make her leave again. but to their dismay she decides to stay and ride it out – hoping that they will leave.

the rest of the plot revolves around those three characters, their histories, their relationships, their development. it is a story full of heart with character development at its center – my favourite kind of story – and all three main actors, scarlett, john, and gabriel, are phenomenal in their respective roles. 

I still watch this movie every year on my birthday (and a couple times throughout the year), because I grew so attached to it in a way. I think it will forever hold a very special place in my heart.

the cinematography is also really amazing, with the beautiful landscapes and vibes (and exceptional music!) of new orleans. 

---

SPOILERS AHEAD

I would invite you to watch the movie first and then come back for the rest if it’s something that interests you. :)

--

why it stayed with me:

the part that gets me every time is the ending… with the title and throughout the whole movie you are convinced it is a love story – pursy and lawson anyone? – and in the end, during those final minutes you realise... it is a love story. but it’s not the kind of love story between a couple. this is a love story between a father and his daughter. and just, the voice over in the end. cue the tears, every time, even after seeing it more than 20 times by now.

---

favourite scene / moment:

when pursy sits at the train station for hours reading «the heart is a lonely hunter» which eventually makes her go back. and that scene by the lake when she realises bobby is her father, and she starts crying because she’s sad nobody saw her grow up and he says he was there and I just… FEELS.

I also in general loooove the music. I really need to visit new orleans someday. it looks absolutely magical.

---

what I didn’t like:

nothing. this movie is perfection to me. there is nothing I don’t like about this film.

---

interesting trivia / fun facts:

writer/director shainee gabel adapted the screenplay from the previously unpublished novel "off magazine street" by ronald everett capps. capps' son, grayson capps, appears in the film and contributed six songs to its soundtrack.

also, not necessarily a movie fact but a personal one: the book pursy reads before she decides to go back is called «the heart is a lonely hunter» by carson mccullers. I loved the movie so much I wanted to know why this of all books played such a pivotal role in it, so I went and bought it. «the heart is a lonely hunter» is a beautiful story of outcasts that counts as a modern classic (published in 1940). I highly recommend the book too.

---

favourite quotes:

pursy will: everyone knows that books are better than life! that's why they're books!

---- honestly this movie is filled with beautiful quotes, it’s impossible to choose one. but I also like that last scene I mentioned above, where she says she wishes someone would have seen how she grew up, and that she made up memories about herself. I don’t remember it word for word, but it’s just so heartbreaking. 

---

rating: 10/10.

just an overall beautiful piece of art. I’ve seen it 20+ times, still has me sobbing every time by the end. 

[naiveandexperienced]

the beginning of the end.

for those of you who remember, i said i would post my final draft of my letter to alex when i got closer to my graduation date. although it's still three months away, i'm satisfied with the final draft of said letter so i will go ahead and post it now. i'm not going to give this to him. here we go:

I honestly don’t know where to start with this letter. You don’t know how many times I have written and rewritten every single word. I have decided that this is going to be my final draft whether I like it or not. Forgive me if it gets all over the place; my thought process when I’m feeling emotional isn’t very coherent. I guess, let me start off by saying that I wish this could be written better. I wish it could sound sophisticated and meaningful but frankly, my mindset is incapable of finding eloquent ways to express my feelings. I suppose a written letter is better than me attempting to speak to you; that would not go well. It’s sad that I still haven’t been able to properly talk to you after knowing you for two school years. Anyways, time for me to pour my heart out in this farewell letter.

Truth be told, I didn’t quite like you when I first came into your AP European History class. It’s not that I disliked you; you just intimidated me. You intimidated me from the first time I met you during orientation, when it was just me and you in your classroom. You intimidated me from forty feet down the hallway. Even during school assemblies, with all of those hundreds of people, your presence still intimidated me. I say ‘intimidated’ like it’s past tense but you still do, if I’m being honest.

Do you want to know what changed and why I so obviously became attached to you?

I doubt you remember, but some kid (Andre or Connor probably) pronounced ‘gif’ incorrectly and you told him that if he pronounced it like that again you would hang yourself with the blinds in your classroom. I know that it’s kind of odd but that is a really fond memory to me. It made me realize that you weren’t as scary as I thought and that you have the millennial sense of humor that I’m so comfortable with. It’s a weird feeling, being so comfortable around someone yet on edge at the same time.

It’s exhilarating.

It’s exhausting.

Being around you is so exhausting but I wouldn’t change it for the world because you have taught me so much. You got me motivated when I just wanted to give up. I wanted to try and succeed, which is something that had been buried for so long. I wanted to make you proud. I know that in the second semester of last year I failed at that.

When I got suspended I wasn’t thinking about myself; I was just thinking about you (which is idiotic, I'm aware).

I was devastated because I knew that I had disappointed you. I didn’t want you to see me as an idiotic child who couldn’t care less about succeeding. I didn’t want you to think less of me. The logical part of me would tell myself everyday that you would understand that people make mistakes but I was still terrified.

Even as I write this now (August 3rd, 2019; 2:55 AM), I still don’t know if I can stand to see you when school starts. Part of me wants you to be mad at me because I deserve it. I want you to tell me you’re disappointed in me. I want you to tell me this because that would mean you noticed and you actually cared. Another, larger part if terrified because I know that the truth is, you probably don’t care enough to get angry with me or to feel anger about what I did (if you do in fact know why I was suspended; if you don’t, long story short, I had a drinking problem and it finally caught up with me). You won’t tell me you were disappointed with my actions or that you forgive me because you’re not as deeply invested in me as I am you.

I’m just another student and that’s perfectly okay with me.

Of course it hurts, but I would rather have my heart broken a million times than have the possibility of your happiness being taken away from you. Seeing you happy is all I need to be at peace with my emotions. Nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.

With that being said, I probably acted distant and indifferent to you throughout the year. I don’t know yet since I’m writing this before school even starts—it’s pathetic, writing about the end before it’s even begun. I have made a promise to myself to just treat you like any other teacher because if I allow myself any flicker of warmth, I know I will just fall back into this overwhelming pit. I’m sorry if it hurts your feelings (I doubt it will). It’s okay if you feel relieved (I expect you to). Addendum (August 25th, 2019): This letter was written under the impression that I would be in your government class, which I obviously was not. I don’t know why because I switched from AP to CP as soon as I heard that you were teaching CP Government this year and I put in a request to specifically be placed in your class with my counselor. She did that for me last year when I transferred to your APUSH class instead of Mrs. Wilson’s. With the new policy, I won’t be able to switch out of any of my classes next semester to take AP Human Geography or something that you might be teaching. I have a TA block next semester but it’s during first period and if it hasn’t changed, first period is your planning period. Plus even if it wasn’t, it is so hard to TA for you. A lot of people want to be your TA!

Now this is the part where you probably want to stop because having someone confess the whole truth to you is something that a lot of people can’t handle. The only reason that I feel comfortable enough to tell all of this to you is because you are one of the few people that I can 100% trust. I grasp onto the thought that you still stand by what you said about never getting mad at me ever with every coming sentence.

The saddest part about unrequited love is that you always try. Even as I tell myself to shut out anything other than teacher worthy emotions, I find myself clutching onto a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe you could love me back.

Please understand that although I did and do have feelings for you, everything that I did for you was not me trying to make you uncomfortable or seduce you or something like that. I would never never never want to do that to you. I truly did those things because I liked to make you happy. I love to do things for the people I love.

I don’t think you realized how devastated I was that time I got called to Student Services about you. I was so distraught that I had pushed too far and made you upset. Just the thought of me being the cause of you experiencing negative emotions makes me so upset with myself. I was so close to crying when I came into your classroom to ask if I did something wrong. Then you told me that everything was okay and for the first time in a long time, I actually believed it. You made me believe it.

I know I’ll miss you forever because the parts of you I have seen are some of the most beautiful pieces of a person that I have ever known. A wonderful quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald goes, “Suddenly, she realized that what she was regretting was not the lost past but the lost future, not what had not been but what would never be.” That quote flickers through my head a lot these days and I think it is very fitting for me and how our time is coming to an end. Even though we will never be together, it warms my heart to know that a person like you exists.

It’s weird to think about all of the things that I think about when it comes to you. It’s weird that I’m even writing this letter to you, which you have probably already stopped reading and have thrown it away or given it to administration or something of the like. None of it matters though because even if you have or haven’t stopped, I’m going to get everything out that I need to.

For starters, you confuse me. I doubt it was your intention but some of the things you said to me made me overthink everything. You randomly told me one day after I brought you coffee, and I quote, “Don’t ever worry about making me mad, okay? You could never make me mad.” You even repeated it to me when I didn’t respond to you the first time. You know what I did after that? I took that little bone and ran with it like a starving puppy. Then when I jokingly told Faith to tell you that I love you and you said you loved me too. Then at the Black and White, when I swear time froze when we saw each other for the first time that night. And then when you placed me in my AP Euro seat at the beginning of APUSH, when you were seating us alphabetically by last names and when you got to my seat you were still at the ‘Cs’ but you put me there instead, in the front row and the place you lecture in front of the most. All of those moments mean so much to me even though I know they were thoughtless to you.

Secondly, you ignite me. I know I said this earlier, but I am going to repeat myself because I mean it with every fiber of my being. You motivated me again. You were the only reason I kept coming to school when all I wanted to do was quit. It was so easy for me to get away with not coming to school but when I got into your class, I never wanted to leave. I was actually so disappointed every day I missed school because I wouldn’t get to see you that day.

Lastly, I love you. I love you in a way that I want you to succeed with everything in your life. I love you in a way that I want you to always be happy and content. I love you in a way that is so foreign to me because it is completely selfless. If you asked anything of me, I wouldn’t hesitate to do it. That’s a scary thought to know that you have so much power over me. The only reason I can tell you all of this is because I know you won’t abuse it or me.

I wish I had more time with you. I could sit in those stupid, uncomfortable desks 24/7 and listen to you talk about history, politics, whatever else you wanted for the rest of my life and never be satisfied with the amount of time spent with you.

Although we will most likely never talk again after graduation, please remember that I am forever changed by who you are and what you mean to me. You will always be important to me. I will fade from your memory but I want you to know that you will never fade from mine.

that's the end!

i feel like the letter is really all over the place but i think it does a great job reflecting my mindset and emotions when it came to him. i use past tense here because i have been thinking over a few things for a while. i am not going to be updating on this blog anymore and i am closing it down. i know that i've said this before in the past, but i truly do believe that i have lost feelings for alex now. since my last update, i actually saw him quite a bit and i... didn't feel anything? people change and mature and i believe that i have done that. thanks so much for taking the time to read that monstrosity as well as go on this tiring journey with me through the latter half of my high school years. it means a lot.

please remember to stay safe! thanks again!

[clever-and-unique-name]

I wanted to share something from my private journal about growing up with emotionally immature parents and the impacts it’s still having on me as an adult. It’s pretty long so I’m going to put it under a read more. Soft TW for emotional neglect and the mention of suicide.

I’m reading a book called “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” that talks about how the emotional immaturity of someone’s parents can cause many difficulties in their life. It talks about how even if parents “tried their best” when raising a child, or provided for physical needs but not emotional needs, then a child can grow up feeling intensely lonely, or feeling like they can’t connect to anyone on a real level, or feeling guilty for having emotional needs.

All of those things ring true for me. The book helped me identify some of the traits in my parents which left me feeling extremely isolated all throughout childhood. It talked about different types of emotionally immature parents, and I can see that my father is what they call a “rejecting parent”–the book describes such parents as “seeming to have a wall around them that blocks out connection” and often have an irritated demeanor that teaches their children not to approach them. They reject attempts at affection or emotional connection and can become hostile if pressed.

All of these things apply to my father–except on rare occasions he could be very affectionate, particularly when I was younger, but it had to be completely on his terms and it seemed to happen randomly, which was confusing and eventually distressing for me because I couldn’t figure out which of my behaviors would trigger what response from him. (As an adult, I realize it was never about my behaviors at all, and his inexplicable affection came from whatever was going on in his life at the time.)

Anyway, as for the children of such “rejecting parents,” the book explains that they might get the feeling that “the parent would be fine if they didn’t exist, feel apologetic for existing, or have difficulty asking for what they need.” Also accurate for me.

What surprised me is that my mother also fell into one of the categories almost perfectly. The book describes a “passive parent” as a parent who submits to dominant personalities and doesn’t have the emotional capacity to advocate for themselves or their child, or address their child’s emotional needs. The book talks about how a “passive parent” will do anything to minimize the harmful actions of their spouse rather than engage with a hurt child, leaving the child to deal with emotional distress on their own. They may offer superficial comfort to a child, but not actually protect them, or they may claim that there’s nothing they can do.

One quote that stood out to me in particular about a “passive parent” was “They may love you, but they can’t help you.” That so perfectly describes my mother that it hurts to see it in writing.

By the time I was about 13, I was intensely emotionally lonely. This coincided with my mother’s severe decline in mental health–she was in and out of the psych ward several times due to suicidal intent, and when she was home it felt like my responsibility to take care of her emotionally since my siblings were at college and my father was mostly traveling out of the country for work. I retreated far into myself and tried to bury my need for human connection, all the while feeling like I was a nuisance for existing and didn’t deserve to take up space. The only times I got respite from that feeling was when I was “useful” to other people; helping others with their problems allowed me to temporarily believe that I had some value. I also felt like I could only look inward for help, because in my mind “taking” resources from others made me a drain which was worse than a nuisance.

These are beliefs I hold to this day–some days they’re stronger than others, but some days I can challenge them.

Lately I’m noticing that when I think about applying for jobs, I’m distressed by the idea of earning a decent salary. I feel unworthy of seeking more money because my husband provides a very comfortable life for both of us and we treat the idea of a secondary income as a luxury. A second income would put us on the track to owning a home rather than renting, for example. It would allow me the freedom of spoiling the pets we’re getting soon, which would make me happy.

Pursuing something for the sole purpose of making myself happy. What a terrifying concept for someone who barely buys into the idea that I’m allowed to take up space.

[isisparker]

There’s an overlooked Oh Je Moment in Episode 10

There’s this high school kdrama right now called Moment at Eighteen [Moment of Eighteen, At Eighteen] and since a few episodes back we’ve slowly gotten the feeling/insight that one of lead’s best friend, Oh Je, might be harboring feelings for another guy, Hwi Young, the other male lead and antagonist for first lead. There’s been moments throughout the series that hinted at this (from when Da Heen, a sweet girl who declared her crush on Oh Je by asking him out -- in front of the class, mind you -- thus him having agreed to be her boyfriend, sticking to his side and him being a little uncomfortable, to small instances where he accidently came into contact with Hwi Young and he’d react), but then this moment happened during a Class Trip; their classmates had a Truth Circle and Oh Je, being in the chair, was asked this question by Da Heen herself:

“Are You In Love With Anyone Right Now?”

Now to provide context, earlier on that trip Da Heen had gotten jealous and assumed that the reason Oh Je has been pulling away from her was because he liked another girl, Ro Mi. It’s obviously not true and he even truthfully told Da Heen that there “wasn’t ANY GIRL” [actual quote] that he liked. He phrased it in a way that didn’t reveal too much about himself and yet he was able to stay honest with Da Heen, who he honestly did like [probably as a close friend] and didn’t want to hurt.

But now we come to this and Da Heen feels secure in their “relationship” but yet she couldn’t help but ask him that question. When her friends and classmates start joking about “What kind of [obvious] question is that?” when it seemed that the class knew the two of them were dating, suddenly one of their other peers asks this:

Let me repeat that: Are you in love with someone you shouldn’t love?

“Are You In Love With Someone Who You SHOULDN’T Love?”

... damn.

So first off, they probably asked that because early in the day, when Da Heen picked a fight with Ro Mi because of Oh Je, they assumed that there was trouble between the couple, so that question was more than likely meant to stir up shit.

But oh boy did that question cut in deeper than they meant to. Especially as the camera panned to the various reactions. 

From Oh Je, who you could clearly see start to get uncomfortable and anxious...

To Hwi Young, the guy he [secretly] liked, who you assume was just watching completely unaffected...

To Jun Woo, Oh Je’s best friend, who observed his friend and started to realize how uncomfortable and anxious Oh Je was feeling! I don’t think Jun Woo knows specifically WHY his best friend is reacting badly to this question, but he knows enough to be compassionate and concerned that he jumped in and was the one that suggested they move on from this questioning. 

But! 

But then THIS moment happened, the whole reason for this post and why I’m reconsidering EVERYTHING I knew so far about this drama and their characters, as immediately I realized something... 

Because just as the class agreed to leave Oh Je alone, the camera zoomed in on Hwi Young’s face and what we had once assumed was indifference to the situation, there was just something that felt... odd... Because while it could be said that when Hwi Young’s eyes would follow Soo Bin, a girl both he and Jun Woo liked, to glaring daggers at Jun Woo... the fact that he was watching Oh Je spoke volumes. Heck the fact that the director of this drama even intended for us to SEE Hwi Young’s face at this moment, as opposed to an overshot view of the class, spoke volumes!

Because to me it says that odds are Hwi Young probably knows. He may not know specifically about Oh Je’s feelings or how Oh Je is questioning his sexuality, but Hwi Young KNOWS something.

It also makes some of the past scenes between them [Oh Je and Hwi Young] make a whole lot more sense!

From back in Episode 07 [also the episode where we could clearly see Oh Je struggling with thoughts specifically about Hwi Young] when a dodge ball game during PE resulted in both Oh Je and Hwi Young trying to grab the ball at the same time and coming into contact -- Hwi Young ended up glaring [or staring] at Oh Je. Again, we could assume Hwi Young did it because he was in competition mode... 

To as recent as Episode 10 itself, early on, when the class activity was a game like Musical Chairs, but instead the students would dance randomly until the MC called out a number and the students would gather in a cluster of that specific number, odd ones are out; at this moment Ro Mi had yanked Oh Je into her group and while Oh Je was surprised by the move, Hwi Young was the one that was staring at Oh Je. Hwi Young could be looking anywhere else, or even smiling at the fact that their group wasn’t called out, but instead we’re given this specific look the moment Oh Je was yanked literally to Hwi Young’s side.

There’s one more moment I want to bring up that has made me even more assured that that look Hwi Young gave Oh Je in the Truth Circle moment had more meaning.

Back in Episode 09, Hwi Young had deceived Soo Bin in an attempt to stop her from getting closer to Jun Woo. He had sent a false text to make her doubt Jun Woo’s sincerity towards her and though he did it to break the pair up, he knew that it would cause her pain YET he did it anyway regardless of his guilt over the lie. When he saw her pain, he took it out on himself by agressively kicking a soccer ball. This lead to Oh Je, who was walking by with some friends, having seen Hwi Young out on the field. Curious and maybe a little concerned, Oh Je entered the field and offered to play goalie for Hwi Young. 

Hwi Young questioned if that’s what Oh Je wanted to do [and again I myself am questioning if that was intentional because one would assume Hwi Young would have been indifferent and agreed, AND YET he made sure that it was something Oh Je was okay with doing], but Oh Je agreed and then Hwi Young proceeded to take even more of his aggressions out. 

Oh Je wasn’t able to keep up and even called Hwi Young out on his anger, which caused Hwi Young to start walking away to leave when...

He stares back at Oh Je for some time. Not just a pause with his back to Oh Je, contemplating his words, but he actually LOOKED BACK at Oh Je before considering his words and then saying...

Again we could assume [and it might just be that’s how the scenerio reads as] that Hwi Young’s guilt is the one that’s talking, making him ask Oh Je (someone who has no connection to Hwi Young’s current troubles outside of the fact that Oh Je’s best friend is Hwi Young’s competition for Soo Bin) these questions. 

But given now what we currently know, and given that specific look Hwi Young gave Oh Je way way later [Episode 10, the whole point of this post] during the Truth Circle game...

For Hwi Young to ask Oh Je “What do you do when you hate yourself? When you’re angry at yourself.” seems like Hwi Young, who is actually intelligent and observant, knows more than we assume.

When Oh Je responds to Hwi Young’s questions with concern by asking Why?

This scene even gives more empathy to Hwi Young, who for majority of the first half of the series is just some priviliged asshole but is revealed to be under pressure [emotional and physical] from his parents to be the Perfect Student and is taking it out on nearly everyone... And he could have easily replied angrily at Oh Je too, but instead he looks resigned and tired. Especially as he responds with a negative view on himself.

And this is worth taking note because this is also probably the first time we’ve seen Hwi Young admit a flaw about himself OUT LOUD and TO ANYONE. Not to his parents, not to his teachers, not to his peers and close friends.. NOT TO ANYONE BUT OH JE.

And I have a feeling that Hwi Young probably knows Oh Je wouldn’t judge nor cater to him.

This whole time up until Episode 10, we’ve had to watch Oh Je come to grips with his feelings towards Hwi Young and have empathy towards Oh Je for crushing on 1. a straight male classmate that is 2. a priviliged asshole regardless of the fact that he’s a kid whose father physically and emotionally abuses him... but what if we weren’t the only ones aware of Oh Je’s feelings? What if, on some level that’s yet to be revealed, Hwi Young knew as well?

[aseriesofvariousevents]

The Shadow and Bone Trilogy

I got the Shadow and Bone as a present for Christmas years ago, but somehow never actually got around to ever reading it. I had started the first book quite a few times, but never got beyond the very beginning of the novel. This winter, though, I finally decided to buckle down and read it and boy am I glad I did. I somehow managed to read the entire series over the span of five days in the midst of finals, stealing every second I could to immerse myself in the story. Leigh Bardugo has created a brilliant and complex world for her characters.

*SPOILERS*

The first book in the series, Shadow and Bone, was an exciting start to the series, full of world-building and fascinating characters. As someone who prides myself in catching twists in stories before revealed by the author, I was shocked when Baghra revealed that the Darkling’s motives were not as pure as Alina thought and even more so that she was his mother. At times I found Alina frustrating but her character was resilient and truly grew as the story progressed. Genya’s character was also one of my favorite aspects of the story. Her pining after David, the sullen fabrikator, added a depth to her character and her and Alina’s friendship was also remarkable. There was a point when I thought that Alina and the Darkling could actually make for a fine pairing, despite the age difference -- though it may not have been physically apparent in the story, unsettled me all the same -- but her and Mal’s reunion was fantastic. The depth of their concern for one another was extremely apparent toward the end and, though the conclusion seemed abrupt to me, I was still excited to continue on to the next book. 

Favorite Quote: And there's nothing wrong with being a lizard either. Unless you were born to be a hawk.

Siege and Storm introduced what very well may be one of my favorite characters in the series: Nikolai. This time around, I prided myself in guessing that he was the second son of the king, though my guess only came mere pages before the big reveal. I was shocked to find Alina and Mal in the hands of the Darkling so soon after the beginning of the book, “Sturmhond” along with Tamar and Tolya made it enjoyable nonetheless. At times I found Alina’s and Mal’s dedication and arguments annoying, especially after reaching the Little Palace. Each of their insistence that they were destined for something else grew tiresome, especially when Mal randomly became a drunk streetfighter, for lack of better words. I loved scenes with Nikolai being his carefree, yet very much down to earth, self, giving sage words of wisdom to Alina, much to her dismay. Alina’s visions of the Darkling and utter refusal to tell anyone of them also frustrated me, though it made much more sense at the end during her noble sacrifice, since the two of them were connected by powers largely unknown. Through the story, I also grew to dislike the Darkling more and more, from his abuse of his mother and his downright torture of Genya. He was a fearsome leader, showing bits of his humanity throughout, but still frightening with his wield of these mysterious powers. I found Siege and Storm to be a worthy sequel to the first book.

Favorite Quote: What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men.

The last book in the trilogy, Ruin and Rising, was my absolute favorite. I found the whole “Saint” thing to be a bit overdone and oftentimes I was angry at Alina for being so hungry for power throughout, but the relationships she formed with the other grisha throughout the story were heartwarming and honestly beautiful to watch unfold. The blossoming of her relationship with Zoya, despite their initial distaste for each other, was rewarding to watch unfold. Alina’s dedication to Genya, despite the difficulties their friendship endured, was inspiring and Nikolai’s continued vivaciousness and innovativeness kept the story feeling fresh and exciting. I loved getting to her more about Baghra’s backstory, from her childhood spent feeling unwanted, to her sister’s revival turned martyrdom, to her raising of her son Aleksander to be strong, which ended up being his downfall. I was beyond thankful Mal and Alina reunited as partners, though his being the third amplifier seemed odd to me until it was further explained with Morozova’s accidental creation of his daughter. I loved getting to see Alina come more and more into her own with her power, and ached with her when she had to (temporarily) kill Mal and ended up losing her status as the Sun Summoner with it. The Darkling’s death affected me much more than I thought it would, with him showing his last bit of humanity as he died, and his and (technically) Alina’s funeral quite literally made me cry, with Alina saying his name in the crowd of people because despite all of his wrongdoings, his heart had initially been in the right place. The epilogue (or “After”) was what really broke me though. Alina’s and Mal’s simple wedding with Misha and Oncat and their restarting of the orphanage was lovely to read. Hearing about Nikolai’s visits and Zoya bringing her the blue kefta was so amazing. Alina and Mal sacrificed so much, even their friends, for the most part, yet they still found a way to be happy. 

Favorite Quote: They had an ordinary life, full of ordinary things—if love can ever be called that.

*END OF SPOILERS*

Overall, I really enjoyed the Shadow and Bones Trilogy and am looking forward to further exploring the Grishaverse with Bardugo’s other novels. I’m glad I managed to read the series before the TV show comes out, which I am now anxiously awaiting! 

Rating: ��⭐⭐⭐⭐

Books in Series: Shadow and Bone; Siege and Storm; Ruin and Rising

Author: Leigh Bardugo

[mendesbadrepuation]

Flordia Snz

I’m terrible at titles as you can tell! I'm very new to all of this and I hope this ends good! :)

Just some Best Friend to lovers kinda deal ya know

Warnings: fluff and fluff. some tiny teeny mentions of Camila.(all in good terms)(also I used her as a PR stunt. im not agreeing or disagreeing with that whole situation. just used it for a scenario!!!)

Enjoy :)))

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“Alessia you can’t be serious?” I start laughing uncontrollably. 

“No believe me Y/n. I see it everyday. He’s so got the hots for you!” Alessia replies and I just laugh some more. We were sitting under a large umbrella in beach chairs just enjoying the beautiful Florida weather. 

“And he also has the total hots for Camila. The fucking goddess.” I look out in the water and see Camila and Shawn facing each other talking. The waves were crashing in at their knees.          

“I have to agree with Alessia on this one Y/n. He really does have the hots for you.” Brian says from beside me on his beach towel. He was working on his tan. Alessia and I are being a little more mindful of our health and skin tone.

“Yeah I don’t know if you know or not but like you look sexy in that red bikini.” Connor adds his input on the conversation. 

I laugh even more and reach up to place my ray bans back on my eyes. They were actually Shawn’s that I stole from him earlier. 

“I’m going to get us some drinks.” I say as I see Camila and Shawn start making there way up to our spot. 

“You can’t keep running away from her. She doesn't bite.” Brian says as he watches me get up from my chair. 

I reach down and smack on Brian’s red back. He groans loudly and rolls over. “Time to add sunscreen buddy.” I run away laughing as the others were laughing from my actions. 

“Bring me back a beer!” Connor requests and I throw a thumbs up in the air. 

I reach the little beach shack where a few others were sitting on wooden stools. It was a very quiet day at the beach and hardly anyone was out. It was very relaxing for all of us to just be away from crowds. Even the bartender was having such a slow day that he was perched on a chair reading a book. It wasn’t just any book, it was Harry Potter. I smile to myself as I lean over the bar.

“Hey you muggle!” I joke to grab the guys attention. He looks up and smiles at me from the greeting I just gave. The guy had bright blue eyes that reminds me of the ocean itself. I enjoyed that. It was nothing like Shawn’s golden brown eyes though I had to say. He was very cute guy and had slick blonde hair. He was wearing a blue tank top with navy swim trunks that had starfish all over them. My eyes definitely enjoyed his appearance. 

“Big fan huh?” He asks as he comes up to me so he can hear me better. 

“You could say that.” I reply and give him a wink. He smiles at that. 

“What can I get you?” He asks sweetly showing off his pearly whites. 

I tell him the drinks I’d like and he begins to make them. I hear footsteps come from behind and a hand lands on my back. I look behind me to see Shawn smiling down. My breath almost hitched in my throat at the sight of him. His semi wet skin, the brown curls on top of his head, the way his necklace sat on his chest, and how defined his muscles looked in the sunlight. His cheeks were a tad pink from being sun kissed. Out of instinct I reach up to place my hand gently on his cheek. He softly leans into my hand and I can see his cheeks turn more red at that.

“Let me put some more sunscreen on your face when we get back to our spot. Yeah?” I say and Shawn nods his head. 

“Yes mom.” He jokes with me and I smile dropping my hand back down to my side. 

“Here are your drinks beautiful.” The bartender says to me and I blush. 

“Thank you. Enjoy your book.” I add as I gather up the drinks and Shawn helps me. 

“What was that about?” Shawn questions as we walk side by side back down to our spot. 

“What?” I knit my brows together in confusion. 

“The guy. He totally just called you beautiful and was flirting his pants off.” I could hear the jealousy seeping from his words. 

“What’s it to you? Camila not performing well in bed?” I crack a joke with him so he’d know it’s really nothing. I didn’t really take it as flirting anyways. 

“You know what the deal is with her!” He replies. It’s almost like he really has a thing for me but my stubborn self was not going to believe it for a second. I knew Shawn had my heart and obviously everyone else knew that. But I was unsure as to if I’d ever have his. 

We’ve been friends for so long. Before his huge big hit in music when we were just young kids trying to explore our dreams. I was a well known YouTuber traveling around with the MAGCON crew. Shawn and I instantly clicked with all of our unique qualities that we had in common. Ever since then we’ve been inseparable. When he really got big he asked me to come with him and travel the world with him. Everyday was a new day and it’s been spectacular. I still have my amazing fans and have added a million more. 

I was a blogger, a vlogger, and all around comedian when it came to my videos. Fans got to see the inside of my life and sometimes even Shawn’s. I have prank videos, routine videos, travel vlogs, and even the just casual funny challenge videos I do with my friends. I’ve met so many amazing people while being with Shawn and so many of them turned out to be my friends. But Shawn turned into my best friend easily. We had each other’s back through thick and thin. 

“Not what I overheard this morning with Brian and Connor.” I huff in annoyance at his defensive actions. 

“Oh yeah and what did you hear?” He perks up an eyebrow and turns to step in front of me. My feet came to a halt as I peered up at him. 

“The and I quote the sex wasn’t that great.” I made those air quotes with my fingers. 

“That doesn’t mean anything Y/n.” He sighs. 

“What it means to me is that you slept with her. If it was just business then it would strictly be that. You don’t have to sleep with her to prove a point.” I say back to him. 

“Y/n/n.” 

“Shawn it’s okay. I get it. Don’t be a sensitive sally.” He looks at me funny and laughs lightly. 

“Isn’t it a negative Nancy?” 

“Not today lover boy not today!” I walk around him and make my way back to the group. I hand everyone there drinks and each of them thank me. 

“Brian switch me places. I wanna get some sun now.” Brian doesn’t argue and goes to take my seat in the chair next to Alessia. She was quietly reading her book to herself. Camila was sitting in front a little off from everyone. She was looking down at her phone. 

“C’mere shawn.” I motion him to sit in front of me as I grab the sunscreen. I was honestly the mom of the group. He takes a seat Criss cross applesauce and his sunkissed cheeks looked beautiful. I didn’t know I let a sigh out until Shawn said something. 

“What was that sigh for?” He asks as I place the lotion on his face gently. He had his eyes shut and I look over at Alessia and Brian who were already looking back at me. 

“I didn’t sigh.” I laugh it off like he was crazy. I rub my fingers around his face and make sure to add a fair amount. “There you go bubba.” I pat his leg lightly and he opens his eyes. 

“Thank you sweetness.” He reaches over and pecks a kiss on my forehead. The action alone was enough to make my heart beat right out of my chest. That was something he done often to me but I knew it wasn’t something a friend would really do. It was just Shawn showing his care to me. Right? 

I look over and see Camila staring a hole through me. “Yikes.” I whisper to myself. 

“What was that?” Shawn asks and I shake my head laughing. 

“Someone turn the jams on!” Connor adds randomly from beside me. I honestly thought that he was asleep because I hadn’t heard anything out of him. Brian does as told and plays some music through the speaker. I lay back on the beach towel and Shawn turns around to face the ocean. He keeps himself parked there at my feet. He leaned back and let his legs stretch out in the sand. It was peaceful as we all soaked up the sun, the sound of the waves crashing the shore, and the sweet melodies playing through the speaker. 

~~~~ 

“Shawn.” I break the silence after awhile. I was laying on my stomach now so my back could get some sun. 

“Hmm” he hums. I felt his back against my toes. 

“Will you put some more lotion on my back?” I ask nicely. I don’t hear a reply just a slight breeze from his movements. It startled me a little when I felt his large hands on my back. He rubs the cold lotion on to my skin and it sent goosebumps all throughout my body. I held back a moan so it wouldn’t be weird to everyone. Or to know that I really enjoy his large hands on my bare back. 

He gets to my shoulders and digs his fingers in deeper where some tightened muscles were at. “That’s nice.” I add to give him the hint to not stop his actions. He continues and basically massages the lotion in my back. Once he’s done he reaches over to my right ear that was further away from the group. 

“Done.” He plants a kiss on my shoulder and my whole body shuts down. I couldn’t even think straight from that little move. My head was so confused. 

“Thank you.” I whisper back and Shawn lays beside me in the sand. I reach over and hand him the pillow I was using so he could put his head on it and not have to sit it on sand. I look up for a moment to see where Camila was. Nowhere to be seen which was strange. Sometimes I thought she was attached to Shawn’s hip. But I knew that they both cared about each other and they really do try their best to support one another. 

“Where’s your lover?” I ask and lay my head back down. 

“She’s not my lover.” He quips back. “And she left about 10 minutes ago to shop for a new outfit for tonight.” 

“Special date night? Trying to fix the other night?” I joke lightly and the group giggles at that and Shawn starts fake laughing. 

“You’re hilarious.” I see him start to get up and immediately I felt bad for my words. He walks down the shoreline and stands there for a moment. I get up from my towel. 

“Uh-oh trouble in paradise” Brian says and I look back at him glaring. 

I make my way down to Shawn and gently place my hand on his back. “I’m sorry Shawnie. I didn’t mean to make you upset. I should have stopped with the jokes the day you started this contract with her. I know it’s hards for you. It’s hard for both of you.” I apologize to him. 

He looks down at me with this innocent look in his eyes. I knew just from that look he already forgave me. He pulls me into him for a side hug and I wrap my arms around his torso. 

“It’s okay don’t be sorry. I know you guys are getting tired of all the paps.” I gasp at those words. 

“We do not. Okay yeah a little but honestly you get use to them. And we also don't get as much as you and Camila.” He chuckles and looks down at me. For a moment we just stared into each other’s eyes in such an adoring way

“I love you Y/n.” He hugs me tighter and I smile as I look out at the ocean. 

“I love you too shawnie.” Neither of us were unsure whether we meant that as more than friends or not. But we didn’t dare to explore because in this moment it was like we knew that our love was stronger than anything. 

“Let’s get in the water!” Shawn suggest and I shake my head harshly. 

“Absolutely not.” I back away from him and the shoreline. 

“Awe you still have that fear.” He steps towards me and I step back. 

“No. I just don’t really wanna have to tame my hair tonight.” I throw out an excuse and Shawn has this evil evil smirk on his face. I point my finger at him as he starts taking more steps at me. “Don’t you dare shawn!” I warn him and he launches himself at me. Before I can move he already has his hands gripped on to my sides. He places his arms around my waist and picks me up bridal style. 

I’m shouting all sorts of profanities and death threats that all Shawn can do is laugh loudly. Me trying to fight out of his strong grasp was useless. “Shawn please no. Please no. Take me back!” I beg as he steps in further into the ocean. It was true one of my fears were coming right at me 

“Relax angel. Relax.” He coos into my ear as he gets waist deep in the water. I grip on to him tighter because I did not want to ever be let loose in the ocean. This was already too far for my liking. My arms sling around his neck tightly and this deep chuckle comes out of him making me blush at my actions. 

“Shawn please I’m so scared. Please take me back.” Shawn rolls up my (his) sunglasses on top of my head so he could see my eyes. I feel him try to shift me around and I respond by wrapping my legs around his waist tightly. We weren’t this close often and when we were it was because I had fallen asleep on him or somewhere after a show. He always carried me to bed and made sure I was safe. He done his best to not wake me up either. 

“I’m right here. I’m never letting go.” He says soothingly and I look at him in his beautiful brown eyes. It was a soft moment for us both and I felt like I was dreaming. Shawn looks behind him to see if anyone was looking or watching our little interaction. 

“There’s no cameras or fans or paps around. And I need you to know something.” Shawn starts to say and I instantly got nervous. I tighten my grip and let him continue. “You’re my best friend in the entire world. The I day met you really changed my life for the better.” I continue to stare at him as my heart beat quickens. “What I’m t-trying to say is that. I-I love you. More than friends.” My mouth hangs open slightly. 

“Me? Your crazy best friend?” I was in shock that all my wishes were coming true in just this one moment. 

“Yes my beautiful, crazy, smart, and talented best friend.” He reaches one hand up and that causes me to jerk forward and place a death grip on him. He smiles and places a small piece of my hair behind my ear. “I’m not going to let you go.” 

“I never thought you’d actually love me back in that way. I just always thought that you only kept me around for the laughs.” I joke and Shawn rolls his eyes. “What I’m trying to say.” As I copy his words. “I love you. More than best friends too.” My fingers comb through the curls on the back of his head. 

“You mean it?” He was just as shocked as I was. Which is probably why we had a love for each other so strong. 

“Duh. And you should know.” I lean down to whisper in his ear. “I perform well in bed.” Shawn’s mind went completely blank at that and he peers up at me with almost black eyes. “But we better not get ahead of ourselves. This won’t be official until everything is settled between you and Camila. Only because I don’t want to be apart of the next scandal on E!News.” 

“That’s fair enough. I promise you I won’t do the whole PDA scandal with her anymore. I’ll seal that deal tonight. It’s been three weeks since senorita. That’s enough time. Fuck my management team. The girl of my dreams loves me back.” He had this beautiful smile planted on his face and I returned it. 

“HEY!” Connor calls from our spot on the beach. We both snap our heads in his direction and see him waving for us to come in. I hold on to Shawn tightly as he begins walk back to the shoreline. 

When we reach to where our knees are Shawn loosens his arms from around me. He leans over so I’m almost touching the water. “I’ll kill you in your sleep. I’ll kill you.” I say with my hands trying to latch on to anything on his body. His large biceps didn’t do much because of my puny little hands couldn’t wrap around them. 

“Awe I have too much fun with that.” He brings me back into his chest and we reach the shoreline. I try to get down but Shawn doesn’t let me. “I’d prefer if you’d stay here for a moment.” 

“Why? I’m sure I’m weighing you down.” 

“No you’re perfect. I love it when you’re in my arms.” I blush as we get to the group. Alessia takes her sunglasses off to get a proper look at us. Brian and Connor were both staring at us like we had just fulfilled their lifelong dreams. 

I notice that Connor’s camera was sitting in his lap. He sees that I see and he pulls it up. I flash a smile as he takes a picture of Shawn and I. My legs let go of Shawn and I set myself back on my feet. Shawn pulls me back against his chest quickly and Connor was stilling snapping a few candids. 

“Did we miss something?” Alessia questions. 

“Nothing important.” Shawn wraps his arms around me from behind and reaches over to plant a kiss on my cheek. 

Alessia squeals at that because any girl would understand. “Fucking finally.” Brian mumbles. 

“Okay we called you two lovebirds over because we’re starving.” Connor says and as soon as he mentioned food my stomach starts to growl. My butt brushes up against Shawn’s area and that’s when I felt the reason why I was standing in front of him. 

“Let’s get back to the beach house and get ready to find some food. Shall we?” Everyone starts to gather there things. We begin walking back to the beach house we were all staying at for a few days. 

When we reach the house I take Shawn’s hand and drag him upstairs to my room. I quickly shut the door and he’s standing by my bed looking at me confused. 

“You’re welcome for saving you.” I point down to his tent in his shorts. His face turns red as he tries to come back with an explanation. “Don’t worry I’m flattered.” I wink at him. 

“You guys can plan out your wedding later! Hurry up we’re hungry!” Brian shouts from downstairs. I desperately wanted to taste his lips. I wanted to know what I had been missing out on all these years. I wanted to fulfill every dream I had about him. The ones that woke me up in the night with my heart racing and sweaty palms. 

I sigh as does Shawn. He makes his way to the door to go to his room and change. He leans down and pecks a kiss on top of my head. “Soon.” He whispers and I knew what he meant but I wish it would just happen already. The suspense was more painful than anything. 

When the door shuts I instantly strip out of my swim suit. I pick out a white spaghetti strap dress. It reached my mid thighs and when I put my bright pink heels on it made it look a little higher. My hair was a little wavy and I let it be. I add a light pink lip gloss to spice it up. 

I come downstairs and Alessia was the only other person ready. She had on a floral sun dress and cute wedges. “Lookin cute.” I compliment her and she smiles at me thanking me. 

“You look gorgeous.” I thank her and then Brian comes running down the hall. He had on nice Khakis and a white button up. 

“I made us reservations for this nice Italian restaurant. Suppose to have the best Alfredo in Florida.” Brian tells us and that sounded so amazing. 

I hear Connor come out and he was similar to what Brian had on but different colors. “How does it always take Shawn the longest to get ready?” Alessia asks and I laugh lightly. We hear his footsteps coming down the stairs and he’s got on navy pants with a nicely fitted pink shirt. His pink almost matched mine and it was totally unplanned. 

“Heyyyyyy.” I walk around Shawn to check him out. “Great minds think a lot.” I show him my heels and the pink colors I was trying to add. He looks at me and it’s like he can’t take his eyes off. 

“Let’s go shall we?” Shawn says to the group and they start heading on to the door. Shawn pulls me back as the group was out of the house already. 

“You are absolutely the most stunning girl I’ve ever laid eyes on.” His eyes scan up and down my whole body. “Beautiful.” 

“Thank you handsome.” I play with one of the buttons on his shirt. I loosen it so it shows a little more of his chest. The way I really liked it. “We better go before I-“ my words are cut off by Brian coming back through the door. He knew he interrupted something but he jokes about it anyways. 

“Forgot my wallet.” He grabs it off the kitchen island and he opens the door up wider. “Madam.” Brian gestures to the door and holds his hand out like a posh gentlemen. I take it and step through the door with a smile on my face. Shawn follows behind me and we all start walking in to the town. The beach house was distant but not too far away from the town that it was walking distance. 

I knew that Shawn couldn’t show his affection for me in public right now but I wanted nothing more than to hold his hand down the street. My phone buzzes in my hand and I look down. I see that I had a Snapchat from Shawn himself. I look back at Shawn who was already smirking at me. 

We get inside the restaurant and get our seats. Shawn sat across from me because he had to save a seat for Camila. He was going to talk to her tonight about letting the whole stunt thing go.  

I look at the snap and it’s a picture of me. It said “gosh that assssss.” With multiple heart eyed emojis attached around me. I was blushing wildly at his words. I take my phone up and snap a picture of him when he wasn’t looking. I reply with “those arms!” It was no lie how defined his arms looked in that outfit. 

I can hear the sound of clicking heels as I sent the snap to Shawn. We all look up and see Camila walking in. She had on a white Lacey off the shoulder two piece. I look down and can see her ass cheeks through the lace. My eyes pop out of my head at the sight and suddenly I felt insecure. Or maybe uncomfortable. My cheeks were hot red but in all honesty Camila Cabello could make it work and she sure flaunted what her mama gave her. 

Alessia clears her throat and that snaps me back to earth. I glance over at her and then to Brian and Connor. They both had look of surprises on their faces from her choice in clothing. It didn't come off as a major deal to any of us really. Everyone had their own style and all of us respected that. Sometimes it was just little surprising. 

~~~~~~~~

After dinner was over we all headed back to the beach house except for Shawn and Camila. Towards the end of dinner Shawn kinda let it slip out that he was done with the stunt they were pulling. Apparently Camila didn’t take it as a stunt and thought that the feelings were mutual. Shawn also dropped the hint that he was seeing another girl but he never said who. I don’t know how she didn’t figure it out when I choked on my water when he mentioned he was seeing someone else. Completely oblivious. 

I was standing at the window at the peak of golden hour trying to get some selfies in for my Instagram. I was terrible at taking pictures of myself but my fans adored them. Alessia was trying to help me get the right angles with each snap. Brian and Connor were outside in the hottub just hanging out. 

The front door opens and I turn around to see Shawn coming through the door. He runs his fingers through his curls out of frustration and I felt myself frown. I knew it couldn’t have ended well. 

“Shawn how’d it go?” Alessia took the words out of my mouth and I stare at him. 

“Ehhh. I guess it will be okay. She’s just been one of my close friends for so long I really never meant for this to get that far.” Shawn didn’t really seemed to convinced by that and neither did I. I’ve know him for so long that something must have been said. 

“Well how about we all get in some comfy clothes and have a scary movie marathon. I think we could all use it.” Alessia suggests. Shawn smiles at that and I nod my head agreeing. Alessia makes her way outside to tell Brian and Connor of the new plans. 

“C’mere.” I see his eyes soften up when he looks at me. He walks towards me into my open arms and I give him a well needed hug. “It’ll be okay. Just tell me what I need to do and not do and I’ll do it Shawn. I know this is going to cause many issues but just know I trust you first and foremost.” 

“I don’t want you to worry about a thing. But I appreciate your understanding and patience. You’re perfect.” He sweetly kisses my forehead. I bury my head in his chest and take in his wonderful scent. “Were you taking selfies before I got here?” He asks. 

“It’s golden hour and I thought I’d give it a whorl.” I pull back to see Shawn smiling at me. 

“Take some with me!” He pulls his phone out and I turn around in his grasp. His arm was wrapped around my neck loosely as my hands were holding his arm. He smiles and I smile for a few of them. Then we take silly ones and serious ones. I shift slightly as he keeps his hand on my shoulder. I lean up and we look into each other’s eyes. Shawn glances down at my lips and I reach up on my tip toes to reach him. Out of instinct our eyes shut and our lips collided. 

My whole body sent waves of adrenaline and the butterflies were erupting in my stomach. Our lips move together in sync and I felt everything. I felt everything that I had been missing from the moment I had feelings for him. It didn’t even compare to the dreams I had about him. There was so much passion between us two that it made me dizzy. 

We move apart slowly and our eyes open back up. A huge smile  comes across both our faces and I couldn’t help but blush. “That was better than I ever dreamt about.” Shawn whispers. So I wasn’t the only one who dreamt about that? 

The others come back inside with huge smiles on their faces. “what?” Shawn and I both say at the same time. We looked like two kids in a candy store with our huge grins. 

“Windows are clear. Just in case you forgot.” Brian replies and we watch them make their way to the hallway. I assumed they were going to change. 

“I’m going to go change.” I tell Shawn and I start stepping back, but Shawn kept his hands on me for as long as he could. 

I run upstairs to my room and grab my pajamas out of my suitcase. Out of habit I took out my soft shorts and one of Shawn’s favorite shirts I stole from him. To this day he still thinks he left it at a hotel on accident. And I may have grabbed a hoodie from his place one night. I think he knew about it but I assumed he just didn’t want to say anything about it. He was too sweet natured. 

I take the end of it and roll it up in a knot so maybe it just looked like a causal shirt. It was the only pajama shirt I really had packed with me. When I come back downstairs I had beat Shawn so I ran to the corner of the sectional which was my favorite spot. Alessia was on the other end and Connor was beside her laying down. Brian took place in the love seat. I grab a blanket and curl up until Shawn comes down the stairs. He had on black shorts with a plain white tank top. Damn he’s so hot. 

“Schooch over love bug.” Shawn says and I raise up so he can lay in the corner and me cuddle up next to him. He opens up his arm so I can place myself underneath him. Everyone gets situated and Alessia starts the first movie. “Is that my shirt?” Shawn asks surprised. 

“Not sure. Just found it in my laundry one day.” I play the innocent game because I didn’t want him to take it back. 

“I know it is. I like it on you better anyways. You can take my clothes anytime. It’s sexy.” He whispers so only I can hear and my cheeks were burning red. 

As the movie went on the suspense caused Shawn to tighten his grip on my side. All of us never really spoke and that kept us more intrigued on the screen. The scene was turning dark and you couldn’t hear a peep for a brief moment. The front door to our house flies open and slams against the wall as the haunted creature pops out. I wrap both arms around Shawn’s waist and jump into him. He jumps as much as I did and covers me with his body. 

I look over to see Camila standing at the door with a crazy look on her face. Alessia, Brian, and Connor were all still in shock from being scared half to death. Connor had almost jumped in front of Alessia to protect her and Brian had a pillow blocking his face. 

“What the fuck Camila?” Shawn’s voice was deep and angry. 

“The other girl is her?” She spits up a harsh laugh and I felt my heart sink into my stomach. It’s one thing to get upset with Shawn but my days of letting someone talk about me like that were over. 

I get up from Shawn with the blood boiling in my veins. “Listen Camila. Girl to girl. I do not wish to start any drama between us or Shawn or whatever this bullshit is! Camila we’ve been nothing but nice to you the moment this PR stunt was brought up.” I gesture between me, Alessia, Brian, and Connor. “Now I was never told what happened behind doors with you two. It wasn’t my relationship and it was not my right to know. But Shawn talked to you and he told you that it’s no more. Take that as a nice goodbye with that side of your relationship. Look at yourself. I know deep down this isn’t you Camila. I still remember that girl I met for your first collab song together. Don’t let the media tear you and him up like this. Just don’t bring me down because you’re crumbling. You know Shawn won’t just leave you out in the dust.” I felt the top to my kettle blowing and so did everyone else. Camila lowers her shoulders and I see her start to cry in her hands. 

I frown at the sight because I knew this wouldn’t be easy but I also didn’t know she’d take it this hard. I wrap my arms around her and pull her into my chest. I was definitely I bit taller than her. 

“I promise you that we.” I gesture to Shawn and I. “Won’t be public until things have cooled down. I don’t want to be that girl and I don’t want you to be that other girl. Or vice versa.” Camila seems to relax at my reassuring words. 

“Camila come outside and talk to me for a minute. Yeah?” Shawn asks and she nods her head following him out the front door. 

I flop down on the couch and try to regain my composure. “Wow. That was hot.” Connor says randomly and I put my hands on my face to cover a laugh. 

“Shut up Connor oh my gosh.” I mumble. 

“That’s something you don’t see everyday. Or at least I don’t.” Alessia adds on and Brian is almost laughing at what just happened. 

“You handled that so well.” Brian says. Shawn comes back through the door and this time he shuts and locks the door. 

I look up at him and he’s just standing there looking back at me. “I need to talk to you for a moment.” Shawn says and points to the hallway stairs that leads up to our rooms. 

I nervously get up from my seat and follow in behind him. Well this was great while it lasted. I mean I at least got my kiss out of the little moment. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything to her and just kept my mouth shut. That’s why he’s regretting his decision. We jumped into it too fast. 

He turns into his room and shuts the door behind him once I’m inside. I go to the sliding doors that lead out to the balcony. “Listen, I understand that I maybe shouldn’t have-“ Shawn cuts me off with his lips on mine. I was shocked at first and I couldn’t move. But once he places his hands under my jaw to cup my face I relaxed instantly. My hands go around his neck and into those beautiful curls. 

“I can’t believe I finally have you. You’re my dream girl Y/n. God. I love you.” He backs up until the back of my knees hit his bed. My body falls down on top of it and he follows me. 

“We’re like totally recreating that Senorita scene.” I joke and of course I have terrible timing with my jokes. Shawn just smiles and shakes his head at me. 

“You should have been the girl underneath me.” He says and I was blushing at his strong sweet words. 

“I am now. I’m yours Shawn. You’ve had my heart for as long as I can remember.” I say back to him. 

We connect our lips again and the kiss was filled with great passion. Our love was like no other. It knocked the breath out of me. Nothing could replace the feeling I got when I was with him.