#i even had to stop listening to that one Hayley kiyoko song cause like it was okay the first couple times and then im like okay i get it

[thatwitchrevan]

I have no overall opinions on olivia rodrigo but I hate traitor. First of all girl he either cheated or he didn't. Like if he said he wasn't talking to her but he was. Then he cheated. But also very weird to me that it's a betrayal to have feelings for someone when you're in a relationship and then proceed to date them when you break up. Like girl you're allowed to feel a way about it but making a whole song calling him traitor is too far. Also this song does not sound good.

This has been 'can work please stop playing these songs' hater hours with Griffin.

[bitch-out]

OKAY i know you didn’t ask for a full length fic but... i couldnt help myself. here it is: 

Four times Alex saw signs that the world was changing to become more accepting of people like him, and the one time he actually realized it.

1. TV SHOW

After finishing practice for the night, the band walked into Julie’s house. Luke immediately walked into the kitchen, wanting to see what meal her dad was whipping up. His obsession with watching lifers eat was starting to get a little concerning. Reggie followed after him, wanting to hang out with Julie’s dad. That was also a little concerning.

Julie plopped down on the couch next to her little brother, Carlos, who was watching a TV show that she didn’t recognize. Alex hopped over the couch and took a seat next to her, looking at the screen intently.

“What is he watching?” Alex asked, reclining into the couch.

Julie shrugged in response. “I’m not sure…”

Carlos looked over to her with a questioning expression. “Huh?” Oh crap. She needed to stop talking to the boys while other people were around. It made her look absolutely bonkers.  

“…what you’re watching! I’m not sure what you’re watching.” She said quickly, trying to avoid any awkwardness. “What is it?”

He seemed to buy it, letting her weirdness go. “Oh, I’m watching this new show. I forget what it’s called. It’s about this girl who accidentally gets musical superpowers after getting stuck by lightning.”

“Cool,” she answered, settling into the couch. She and Alex watched for a few minutes before looking at each other in confusion. They had absolutely no idea what was going on in the show. They looked at the screen as the main character sighed dramatically, slamming her door while running out of her house. “I’m lost. What’s happening? Why is she so mad?” Julie asked.

Carlos rolled his eyes. “She’s in a fight with her dads right now because they won’t let her go to this big party. Now shhh! It’s getting juicy!”

Luke’s eyes went wide as the scene switched to the main characters dads, who were sharing a tender moment while discussing their child. Two dads? On television? Without it being played off as a joke? He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the screen.

Julie looked at him inquisitively, noticing his surprised expression. She raised an eyebrow.

“I see.” A soft smile settled on his face. “Cool.” He bit his lip and leaned back.

“Cool.” She agreed. She almost said something, but then decided it would be better for her to wait for him to tell her.

2. PUBLIC DISPLAY OF AFFECTION

“People watching in 2020 is way better than people watching in the 90’s.” Reggie stated as they walked through downtown LA. They were killing time while Julie was at school. They passed a man in a superhero costume who was taking pictures with tourists.

“I know right?” Luke agreed. “I love looking over people’s shoulder and watching what they’re doing on those… high tech cellphone things.”

“Smartphones,” Alex offered.

“Smartphones, right.”

Reggie ran over to a middle aged guy in a suit sitting on a bench who was looking intently at his phone. “Look at this guy! He’s looking at an article called ‘How to tell if you have foot fungus’.” He wrinkled his nose. “Gross. You might wanna get that checked out, buddy,” patting his shoulder, his hand passing right through.

Luke looked around for someone else to observe. “Okay see the one over there in the blue striped shirt eating a chili dog?” He pointed over to his left to a man walking away from a hot dog stand.  

The man went to take a bite out of his chili dog but dripped it all down the front of his shirt. “Oooooh…. Missed his mouth on that one,” Luke said, cringing.

“That’s nasty,” Alex chimed in.

A guy who looked to be around their age speed walked past them, looking down. He brushed his shaggy blonde hair out of his face as he grinned down at his phone. He was obviously walking with a purpose.

“This guy is hustling! Cmon!” Reggie grinned, jogging after him. Luke and Alex ran over to catch up, all three of them following in pursuit. They all looked over his shoulder to read his text messages. He was texting someone he had named “babe <3” in his contacts.

Can’t wait to see u, his text read, im right around the corner

Reggie whistled. “His girlfriend’s probably a complete hottie if he’s that excited to see her-”

As they turned the corner, the blonde stranger they were following put his phone away as he caught sight of someone. He broke into a run and bear hugged the person, wrapping his arms around them and lifting them off the ground. As he pulled away, it was revealed that the person he was hugging was a brunette guy around the same age as them.

The brunette murmured something, his lips quirking into a smirk. The blonde teen let out a laugh, then pulled him into a kiss.

Alex nearly gasped in surprise, looking around to notice that… not a singular person was looking over. Everyone was just going about their day as normal. No glares, no sneers, not even a scoff.

It felt like the breath was sucked out of his lungs. Was this… normal? The couple broke apart and joined hands, continuing down the street. Alex couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. No one had even batted an eyelash at the public display of affection.

To him, it hadn’t been that long ago since 1995. When even looking at someone for too long would get you called a slur. When his own father would call him a-

“Alex? You good?” He was broken out of his thoughts by Luke looking over at him concernedly.

Alex opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by someone else.

“There you guys are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

They turned around in tandem to see Julie standing there, her eyes sparkling. And they continued with their day, moment forgotten.

3. MUSIC

Alex found himself once again alone with Julie, hanging out with her in her room. He was the only member of the band she would let hang out with her in here, which filled him with an odd sort of pride.

They were currently listening to one of her Spotify playlists. Julie was doing homework on her bed and Alex was tapping his drumsticks on his knee, following the beat of the song they were listening to. He was getting into the groove of the song “This song has a good beat!” he exclaimed. “What is this?”

She grinned at him. “It’s called ‘Girls like Girls’ by Hayley Kiyoko!” She stood up on her bed, dropping her homework and singing into an imaginary microphone as the chorus hit. She belted at the top of her lungs, “Girls like girls like boys do, nothing new~” She laughed as she flopped back onto her bed.

He gaped at her, surprised that she was treating it with such nonchalance. In the 90’s, this would have been music you listened to at 2 am when your parents were asleep. “Is this a… popular song?” he asked.

“Yeah, I mean it’s from like 2015 so it’s basically ancient but it’s still pretty popular.” She turned back to her homework and picked up her pen. “I think the music video has like over 100 million hits on YouTube or something like that.”

His jaw dropped even further “100 million?”

The timer on her phone went off. The words BAND PRACTICE blared across the screen with the chime of her ringtone. “I’ll show it to you later! But we have to go to rehearsal right now.”

He shook his head and followed her out of the room.

4. COVINGTON

As both his friends were pulled away by girls saucily dancing in feathered blue outfits, Alex stood awkwardly like a fish out of water. Covington slid up to him with a sly smirk on his face. “Come now. You can’t be the only one not dancing.”

“No, I… I know.” Alex sputtered. “I’m just…” Not into dancing with girls? No, he couldn’t just say that. He didn’t want to cause a scene. He pointed over his shoulder. “I’m looking for Willie,” he finished lamely.

Covington seemed to read him like an open book. He smiled and gestured with open palms. “Dante! Fuego!” Two handsome men slid up to either side of him. “Meet Alex.” The linked arms with him.

Alex looked at them, surprised. How did he know? Is this like a theater thing? Or… “You’re welcome,” Covington smirked, ducking down. Is this normal here…?

His thoughts were cut off as he was lifted up over Covington’s head and pulled into a fast-paced dance.

5. PRIDE

“Slow down Willie!” Alex shouted, running after his brunette friend as he skated through lifers and tore down the street.

Willie laughed and hopped off his board, picking it up off the ground. He waited for Alex to catch up with him “Relax, we’re almost here…”

Alex was too busy catching his breath to realize they were in the middle of a giant crowd. Lifers walked through them every few seconds like it was nothing “Wh-What is this?” Alex asked, looking around. Everyone was wearing colorful clothing and most were wearing some kind of glitter.

The skater laughed and grabbed his hand, pulling him toward the street. “We’re skating the floats, dude.” He pointed at the bright floats that were parading down the street.

Was this some kind of festival or something? Alex wondered. “Why is everything so… colorful?”

Willie looked at him like he was missing something obvious. “It’s June. Pride month.” Alex didn’t know what that was. He looked around, trying to figure it out. “You’ve never seen a pride parade before?” Willie questioned. Then, he realized. “Right. Right, you’re a 90’s ghost. I keep forgetting about that.” He slapped his forehead.

Then, he realized what this was. Alex turned to his right and saw two women kissing. A couple of guys his age were holding hands right next to him. Signs as far as the eye could see read ‘here and queer’ and ‘all you need is love’ and ‘love is love’ and countless other sayings. His breath stuttered in his chest “This is…”

“I know. Pretty cool, right?” Willie asked, sounding pretty nonchalant. He was scouting out the floats, focused on his task.

“And this is all for…” Alex hesitated, “For gay people?”

“All LGBTQ+ people, technically, but yeah dude.” Willie clarified. He grinned, his eyes set on a float just down the road. He found the perfect route.

“So it really is different now, huh?” Alex asked, his voice cracking slightly. Willie looked back in alarm, not realizing how much this was impacting the drummer beside him. A tear rolled down his cheek, but his smile could not be bigger. Alex continued, “Like I had hoped it was, and there’s been some signs, but this is…” He covered his mouth to hide a sob.

Willie walked over to his side, dropping his skateboard and taking his hand gently. “Yeah, Alex. It’s different. Better. Not perfect, but... a lot better.” He squeezed his hand.

“It’s amazing.” Alex said, wiping the tears from his eyes with his sleeve and grinning. He let out a laugh as a drag queen passed by and waved at the crowd, blowing kisses.

The skater couldn’t take his eyes off of Alex. He was absolutely glowing, basking in the atmosphere of the parade. “You know what? Let’s forget the skating.” Willie decided, taking his skateboard from the side of the street and tucking it in an alley.

“Huh?” Alex was confused. Willie wanted to... not go skating?

“It’s time to get your pride on, Alex.”

Together, they spent the rest of the day exploring every area of pride, ducking through crowds and sneaking onto floats. There was even one point where they ran through a huge glitter cannon, getting absolutely covered in glitter.

After it was all done, Willie teleported back to Julie’s house with him to drop him off.

“That was the most fun I’ve ever had.” Alex admitted, his smile seemed to be permanently glued to his face.

“Me too. I’ve been to tons of pride parades, but none of them were as fun as this one.” Willie admitted.

“Really? What was different about this one? Was it the glitter cannon? It was probably the glitter cannon-”

“It was you, Alex.” The skater said quietly, brushing a couple stray pieces of glitter off of the taller boy’s cheek.

“Oh,” Alex breathed, looking down at Willie. His heart was racing a mile a minute. He hadn’t realized they were standing so close together.

Willie hesitated for a moment. Was this the moment? He didn’t want to rush Alex. He was probably overwhelmed enough after experiencing his first pride. He smiled up at the blonde and patted him on the shoulder. “Goodnight, Alex.” He stepped away and turned to leave.

He was just about to teleport when he heard “Wait!”

Willie turned around Alex kissed him.

He stiffened at first, surprised. Before he could respond, Alex pulled away and looked at him in panic.

“I’m so sorry, I thought-”

Willie grabbed him by the lapels and dragged him down, kissing him heatedly. Alex responded with enthusiasm, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“ABOUT TIME!” someone hollered from behind him.

They broke away to see Luke and Reggie beaming. They both ran over and hugged them both in a group hug. “We thought you two would never figure it out.” Luke said, causing Reggie to laugh. 

“Happy pride, Alex”. Willie murmured, squished up against his side. And Alex couldn’t have been happier.

[paradigmsofbrittaperry]

I just looked at your Spotify, first for the Jeffbritta then for your immaculate music taste ........ but sweetheart. GODDESS. What the hell mental illness made you listen to the Russian National Anthem that many times

FSHDKDLD god okay this one’s A Story, and there’s a much more concise way to tell it, but I’ve never been a concise person. jump under the read more if you dare.

sooooo it all started in a Wal-Mart parking lot after going to a high school football game with some of my friends. we had gone in to get a box of cupcakes and somehow emerged with a jar of pickles, a bag of peanut M&M’s, and a bag of Twix bars. as we were walking out of the Wal-Mart with our spoils, a bunch of guys our age ran by us and pushed us out of the way, screaming and running all the way to the edge of the parking lot. they were followed by Wal-Mart security, and we figured out the next day that they were members of our school’s lacrosse team and they were running because they had stolen goods from this Wal-Mart. so my friends and I start walking away from the exit like “oh boy, that was wild” only to be stopped by a woman who asked us if we wanted one of heaven’s brownies. we did not, so we swiftly moved along, clutching our pickles and candy a little bit tighter. 

there were six of us, so we’d taken two cars (and really, we’d come in groups of three anyway and met up on accident), but decided to go back to one person’s car to eat before splitting up and going our separate ways. so four of us found a way to squeeze into the backseat of this not-very-large vehicle and cracked open the pickles. the driver was in control of the music, and at first, he put on a few songs from Hamilton because I guess he was just that late to the trend. I was minding my own business, eating a Twix bar and vibing while being crushed between two of my friends when suddenly, everything changed.

there was a swell of orchestral music. we all looked at the driver in complete and utter confusion as the singers came in, singing in a language we did not know. he looks away, and the rest of us begin to laugh, as we’re very lucid at this point because it’s almost 11:30pm and this wasn’t our first adventure of the night (the first involved sneaking past the other school’s administration to get to the home side bleachers by cutting across the football field itself, we’re such rebels ik). 

eventually, someone (probably me tbh) manages to ask;

“what is this?”

the driver keeps looking down, avoiding everyone’s gaze.

“it’s the Russian National Anthem.”

“the WHAT?”

“the Russian National Anthem.”

he went on to explain that his older brother has a playlist of meme songs that he shared with everyone, and for some entirely unknown reason, this was on the list, and he’d taken a liking to it. whatever, we thought. in all honesty? it kinda slaps. maybe a little more than Hamilton does.

fast forward to about a week later. one of my friends from that group has been my friend since childhood, and lives about five minutes away from me. as such, she would often drive me home after band practice if it was a day when my dad wasn’t helping out with practice.

she usually gave me the aux, trusting me to queue a few things on Spotify for our 20 minute drive. at that point, it was typically lots of Hayley Kiyoko, lots of P!atd, and a fair amount of girl in red, because we were both gay and didn’t develop a music taste until very recently. there was also a specific Sam Smith song that we always listened to (How Do You Sleep) because of a specific incident from that year of band that honestly, I may go into at a later date.

that night, I look at the Spotify search bar and think “wouldn’t it be funny if I threw the Russian National Anthem in there? just to mess with her and call back to the night of that football game? man, that was a fun night. let’s do it.”

so I queue said anthem to come on after How Do You Sleep.

we poorly sing along with Sam Smith, laughing and joking all the way. the song starts to fade out, we settle down. we’re both waiting for the next song to come on. I’m barely holding it together, trying so hard not to blow my cover and laugh that tears are streaming down my face. 

the drum roll. the sweeping instrumentals.

now, I feel like I’ve already provided a gratuitous amount of context, but you must know that this particular band season had been absolute shit. our beloved band director had gotten a job at another school, and we had been left behind to lead a band under the direction of a much more incompetent one. we were stressed all the time, younger kids were turning their backs on us in a desperate attempt to defend this guy since they had to live with him for longer, we’d been losing friends and struggling and breaking down on a daily basis for probably somewhere around two months at that point. every inside joke and moment of levity and scrap of joy was clung to like a life raft, because we were watching the thing we’d loved for three whole years be destroyed right before our eyes. on top of that, we were being blamed for the destruction despite only being 17 years old, only able to cause so much change.

the singers come in. my friend realizes what I’ve done. she starts laughing. I let myself laugh out loud now, head banging and bopping along with the song. tears are streaming down her face now, too, they keep streaming down mine. we can’t find the line between tears of sorrow and tears of overwhelming joy. is there one? or are both emotions one in the same? 

so then, like with How Do You Sleep, it became a tradition to play it on every car ride home from band practice. I’d slip it somewhere into the queue while driving or she’d set it before getting into the car so that she could surprise me. it became our thing, that no matter what had happened that day or who had yelled at us or what ridiculous responsibilities we’d had to take on, we had something to look forward to and rely on. we had the motherfucking Russian National Anthem. 

I bet you didn’t expect there to be a moral to this story, but oh boy, is there ever one. you have find joy wherever you can. even if it’s stupid. even if it doesn’t make sense or you don’t understand why it makes you so happy. even if it’s playing a national anthem that, quite frankly, shouldn’t go as hard as it does.

[e-the-village-cryptid]

The Closeted Chronicles: Part 1

Ok so back when I was just a small baby gay and scared of my parents finding out, I had to be very careful with the music I had on the account I shared with my dad, cause he could see everything I had. Now everyone knew that all I wanted for birthdays and stuff was itunes gift cards so I had amassed a collection of several hundred songs, and I figured it was safe to hide one gay song in there. Which gay song, you ask? None other, of course, than the most iconic song by our lord and savior lesbian Jesus aka Hayley Kiyoko, Girls Like Girls. Now that should be safe, right?

Wrong. A few weeks later, my dad decides to scroll through all my music to see what I listen to. I’m watching nervously, but he’s scrolling so fast he can’t even read all the titles. But then he stops. Scrolls up a little. And starts playing Girls Like Girls. Cue gay panic. After only a few seconds, he pauses the song, looking confused. He turns to me, and asks:

“Is this k-pop???”

[taste-in-music]

Music Monday (3/4/19)

March is here, along with an influx of exciting releases and new favorites. I’ve got so much to talk about, so let’s get right to it.

New Releases

Now That I Found You by Carly Rae Jepsen: She’s back again and she’s saving the music industry. This perfect slice of synth pop is a ton of fun, full of Carly’s signature energy and genuine eagerness to just be full out, unapologetically pop.  

Sight Of You by Sigrid: I swear Sigrid is joy incarnate. I need Sucker Punch to drop like I need air to breathe.  

No Plan by Hozier: Take me to the Wasteland, Baby! I love how intense this track is, when I heard that electric guitar at the start of the song for the first time, I was shook. I like the jazzy feel of the instrumentals, Hozier’s rich vocals, and the summer, laid back atmosphere this song presents. Hozier, just Hozier. We don’t deserve him. 

We Talk All The Time by The Japanese House: I was so excited for The Japanese House to release her first album, and Good At Falling is finally here! It’s certainly a mood album, very chill but intricate in its sound. (Every track flows together, and I’m all for albums that do that, like Expectations by Hayley Kiyoko.) It sounds like falling up into the clouds, if that makes any sense. This song was released as a single, but I put off listening to it until the album dropped, and I really love it. Amber Bain’s vocals are entrancing as always, and it’s so soothing while still having a great pulse. 

Take It Or Leave It by Willa: I’m just so here for this Willa comeback. This song is even more of a bop then Cause You Did, (and I really like Cause You Did.) Willa has a lot of personality on the vocals, and goddamn is that chorus catchy. I’m not always into distorted-vocal drops, but instead of being plunked into the song all at once, it’s intertwined with the chorus’s lyrics, so it never feels like dead air in the song. Check Willa out, she’s really cool and deserves more attention. 

Cruel To Care (Voice Memo) by LÉON: We’ve got another highly anticipated album drop with LÉON’s self titled debut! Along with her catchy as fuck singles, (Baby Don’t Talk, Falling, You and I,) that I talked about in past Music Mondays, this album also features a lot of quieter, more restrained moments. This song is a prime example, with minimal production and a first-take charm that allows LÉON’s vocals to shine. Tell me why this song has me sad over a lost relationship that I’ve never had in the first place? Because it does. ‘

Flux by Ellie Goulding: A new Ellie Goulding single! Without a rap verse! I’ve been waiting for this for a long, long time. Ellie’s voice is so unique, dusky, and wonderful, and this track gives it the spotlight by backing it with quiet strings and pianos. Just lovely. 

Sucker by Jonas Brothers: Okay, I have no nostalgic attachment to the Jonas Brothers. I never watched their TV show, (or Disney channel at all for that matter,) and I’ve only heard their older songs a handful of times, (though yes, I can confirm that Year 3000 and Burnin’ Up are bangers, in a not-only-ironic way.) This song is a bop, with some Feel It Still by Portugal. The Man vibes, and is about how much they love their wives. So yes, 10/10 respect. I’m ready for this comeback. 

Other Favorites

Lemonade by Rubblebucket: I mentioned Rubblebucket in my favorite songs of 2018 list for their song Fruity, (which is a major bop to the top by the way, check it out.) But we’re not here to talk about Fruity, we’re here to talk about Lemonade. This song is very synthesizer heavy, with a slinky beat, a surprising but refreshing trumpet solo, and an enticing vocal melody. I like the mood that this song projects, a bit jazzy, a bit strange, and a bit sexy. 

Mowgli’s Road by MARINA:��In preparation for Love + Fear, I’ve been catching up on MARINA’s past discography, and since I’d never heard The Family Jewels, I decided to check it out. And this song is particular. Holy lawd. It’s a bop. Just, the biggest bop. I love how weird this song gets, with the endlessly charming “cuckoos” sprinkled throughout to the canned toy laughter to the tangents about silverware to the all out nightmare that the song shatters into in its last quarter or so. I’ve had it on repeat this whole week. (Also, the music video? Absolutely wack. I can’t stop watching it.)

Dirty Dirty by Charlotte Cardin: I’m in love with Charlotte Cardin’s voice. It’s so smoky and sensual, like Grace or Amy Winehouse. This song in particular is one of my favorites from her. Just think one of the songs that would play in a romantic piano bar scene in a spy thriller. It’s like that, and it’s great.

Saint Claude (Version Française) by Christine and the Queens: Now for another music video I can’t stop watching. For some reason I was watching old Lorde interviews from 2013 on YouTube, and the interviewer asked her about songs that she liked, and she mentioned this. Now I’m not one to turn down the words of the Lorde, so I gave it a listen, and of course it’s amazing, what else did I expect? This song is so ethereal and pretty, it feels like floating up into the clouds, and I don’t even care that it’s in French and I don’t know what any of the words mean. I haven’t heard the English version of this song, and I don’t know if I want to. If anything, the fluidity of the French language adds to the atmosphere of the song.

Check out my last Music Monday.

Follow my personal playlist on Spotify.

[hedahaven]

2018 year in review

Rules: answer the questions about 2018 and tag some people!

Tagged by: the most marvelous VIP hostess on the planet, @blue-kiko

Top 5 films you watched in 2018

1. Ocean’s 8 (gay)

2. Black Panther (amAAAAAzing)

3. Tomb Raider (wanted it to be gay)

4.  Annihilation (that bear thing was creepy af)

5. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (meh)

I just realized I’ve only watched 5 of the 2018 releases.There are so many I didn’t get around to seeing this year. I don’t think I have to just put 2018 movies but it was easier than trying to remember what I have watched.

Top 5 TV shows in 2018

1. The Great British Bake Off (I love this show. They are so kind to each other and it’s so refreshing)

2. Brooklyn 99  (Finally gave this one a shot after enjoying Stephanie Beatriz’s dance-off at the Clexacon after party. Couldn’t stop watching...the show or her.)

3. The Haunting of Hill House (I have to watch this one in the daylight) 

4. Atypical (Finally got gay and a really good soundtrack)

5. Killing Eve (I haven’t watched it yet but I can already tell it’s gonna be a fave. It finally showed up on Hulu so I’m gonna binge the hell out of it after the holidays!)

Top 5 songs of 2018

1. The Joke - Brandi Carlile (actually everything by Brandi Carlile. If you haven’t watched them yet, check out her video of Party of One with Elizabeth Moss and her duet with Sam Smith of the same song so you can die along with me)

2. Embody Me & Anchor - Novo Amor (I got turned on to this artist by a reference in @theproseofnight‘s fic Except You Love. Listened to him an entire weekend.)

3. Curious - Hayley Kiyoko (gay)

4. Without Me - Halsey (gay)

5. Happier - Marshmello & Bastille (i’m happier cause i’m gay) 

Top 5 6 Books FanFics You Read in 2018

I haven’t even picked up a book this year.  These are in no particular order and everything these authors have written is worth reading.

1. Except You Love - @theproseofnight

2. Zoo Parks and Restoration - @orangeyouglad8

3. When My Heart is at War - @mopeytropey

4. (my) Destruction Within Your Mouth - @entirelytookeen

5. Grand Slam Thank You, Ma’am - @femininenachos

6. In the Shallows - @blindwire

Five Good/Positive things that happened to you in 2018

1. Got the nerve up to go to Clexacon and get immersed in the gayness thereof, which included high-fiving Stephanie Beatriz and riding the elevator with a worn out Elise Bauman. The best part though was meeting so many of my mutuals, several who have already been mentioned above. I got to room with the swagmazing @merchanon; I got to help out with the Niylah’s Nik Naks booth and drive @gramjams & @weasal around Vegas, which included a stop at Walmart with gramjams in her “Eat Pussy” t-shirt; and I got to meet so many other super people who helped to make it an experience I’ll never forget: @blue-kiko, @swan-heda, @foomatic, @jravenb, @quesandgays, @sabrinushka, @allthegoodnamesweretakenk, @jennamacaroni, @syngularitysyn, @the-villageidiot, @imaginationofacornflake, @djkissyface and Ms Nachos and so many others I just can’t seem to get my brain to recall.

2. Got to see Brandi Carlile in concert in Asheville, NC, which was another wonderfully gay experience. One of the best concerts I’ve ever been to hands-down. 

3. I travel a lot but it’s usually via driving. I finally got back on a plane this year and flew to Puerto Rico. It was a work trip but my sister went with me and we definitely took advantage of my down time; ate some great food, walked a LOT, drove around the island like a maniac, had a shark swim by my feet in the surf, and snorkled for the first time (not at the same beach where the shark swam by me.) I’ll definitely go back!

4. Went on my first cruise this year. So much fun in the Bahamas and crazy relaxing. Made it gay by reading fanfics while getting some sun on the deck. 

5. Got a promotion at work. It’ll be a good thing when I can stop working so many damn hours. lol 

I’m tagging anyone who wants to do this. I’d love to hear what went great for you this year.

[artificialqueens]

cirque d'amour - chapter eight (trixya) - cal

a/n: hi babies! this chapter was brought to you by blood, sweat, tears, and horrendous writer’s block. i have a love/hate relationship with this one, lads.

either way. we stan a messy bitch ~ aka, miss trixie mattel.

here’s the song court was listening to, in case u didn’t know: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6jxPFtIAnw

i hope you love it, please, it took me so long. <3

Katya’s eyes fluttered open.

Judging from the glare of sun through the ragged blinds, she figured it was morning. She tried to shift, her post-slumber brain still in the thralls of sleep, when she realised there was a weight against her.

Trixie’s head was cradled in the nook between her shoulder and her breast, her arm still draped and limp across her middle. It was then that Katya remembered.

“Orange juice,” she murmured, the cogs in the foggy brain beginning to turn. “Trix?”

Trixie didn’t stir.

“Trix,” Katya repeated softly, patting a gentle hand on her lower back. She was greeted by a sleepy groan.

“I need to move, mama,” Katya cooed, her voice soft. “You’re gonna have one hell of a comedown, and you need supplies.”

Katya couldn’t be sure if Trixie had registered her words, but she rolled over away from her regardless, her eyes still clamped shut.

Katya heaved herself upright, her gaze landing momentarily on the dozing Trixie. Despite her drug-fuelled plight, she looked nothing but beautiful as the suns rays cast a light glow across her body. Katya heaved a sigh, giving herself a mental shake. “Orange juice.”

She felt a hand grasp her thigh unexpectedly, halting her attempt to rise. “Wait.”

Katya looked down at the bedraggled Trixie, whose bloodshot eyes gazed up at her. “Thank you.”

Katya smiled tenderly, giving Trixie’s hand a squeeze. “I’m always here for you, Tracy. You know that, right?”

Trixie returned Katya’s smile, though it was a wobbly one. She forced herself to an upright position, and wrapped her arms around Katya. “You’re too good to me,” Trixie whispered against her ear, her words choked.

Katya shook her head, even though Trixie couldn’t see. She broke the hug with regret, placing her strong hands on Trixie’s dainty shoulders.

“Lie down now, okay? You need to drink something.”

Trixie nodded, her pained eyes never leaving Katya’s. Katya stared back, unwilling - unable - to break the contact between them. She felt the familiar feeling of the universe melting into nothing, and she became acutely aware of the rhythmic heartbeats of both her own and Trixie’s, so close to being one.

Katya noticed Trixie biting her lower lip, and Katya’s gaze rested there for a moment, a burning desire gushing through her veins like gasoline.

A loud clattering from the kitchen jolted the pair into reality, and broke their stare.

“Uh, I, uh,” Katya stammered, sweat beading across her brow with prickling anxiety. “I’ll be…right back.”

She stepped tentatively out of the room, avoiding a parting glance at Trixie despite knowing she was watching her go.

There was soft music coming from the kitchen, intermingled with giggling. Katya stepped into the room with a grin, projecting normality as best she could.

“Hayley Kiyoko? Gay.”

Courtney was sat on the counter-top, her perfect legs wrapped around Milk’s waist as he stood in front of her. Her giggling ceased, and she scowled at Katya, though her lips betrayed a smile. She was sporting her My Little Pony pjs, her face bare and her hair unbrushed, but it took nothing away from her beauty.

“Good morning to you too,” Courtney muttered sarcastically. “I didn’t know you were here.”

“Ah, I crashed in the spare,” Katya muttered, busying herself at the fridge on her quest for orange juice.

“Is Trixie with you?”

Katya froze in place, her spine stiffening.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Katya, orange juice carton in hand, felt her joints begin to thaw. A sigh escaped her lips as she closed the door of the fridge and faced the curious pairs of eyes burning into her back.

“Nothing happened, if that’s what you’re insinuating,” she murmured, absentmindedly shaking the carton of juice. “We were just taking a breather, and I guess…we both fell asleep.”

Katya ignored the raised eyebrows from the pair of them as a thought occurred to her. “Is Willam still here?”

Milk cocked his head. “She left hours ago.”

“Do you have her number?”

“I do,” Courtney replied. “She knows Trixie’s here.”

Katya didn’t want to know how she knew that. After her heartfelt admission the night before, Katya couldn’t help but feel warmth towards the problematic Willam, and she felt guilty that Trixie had spent the night with her instead; innocent though it was.

“Call her,” Katya said, ambling slowly out of the room without looking at either of them. “She needs to take Trixie home.”

But at least I got you my head.

Katya softly closed the door behind her, closing her eyes against the ache of tiredness and leaning against the kitchen door. The lyrics of the song still playing quietly beyond the door were painfully relevant.

Oh, yeah.

She inhaled slowly, before heading back to the spare room, to rouse the sleeping Trixie and hand her back to the one she loved.

At least I got you in my head.

***

Trixie was silent.

She was sat in the passenger seat of Willam’s battered Corsa, feeling a wave of nausea hit her every time they took a turn. Willam hadn’t said an awful lot either, and if Trixie had bothered to notice, she would have realised that Willam’s knuckles were ghostly white from her intense grip of the steering wheel.

Instead, Trixie was staring with hooded eyes at the blur of buildings as they drove through the city. She felt horrendously sick and deflated, more than she ever had in her life. She was eager to keep her relationship with cocaine as a simple one-night-affair.

A single thought rose above the rest in her chaotic brain, though - and that was Katya. Katya, who had taken care of her. Katya, who had looked at her like that. Katya…

Trixie’s eyes fluttered shut against the sun’s glare, vainly attempting to close her mind. Katya, Katya, Katya…

“What were you thinking?”

Trixie was startled violently from her daze. “H-huh?”

“Taking drugs.”

Trixie dared to glance over at Willam, noting the rigidity of her body as she gripped the steering wheel. Her eyes were focused on the road, though Trixie could see the wobble of her lip and the dipping of her brow.

“I…” Trixie stuttered, misery choking her words. “I-I just wanted -”

“You just wanted what?”

Willam made a sudden, unexpected turn. The wheels of the car made a screech across the tarmac and Trixie gasped, clinging to her seat belt and staring wildly at the road that spun away from them in a maddening blur.

They came to a shuddering halt, the tyres bumping against the rise of the pavement. Trixie was panting lightly, her eyes huge.

“What kind of stunt was that, Willam?” she demanded, her sorrow forgotten in the adrenaline of fear and rage. “Do you want to get us killed?”

Willam had her head bowed, her blonde hair falling like a veil around her face. Her response was so quiet that Trixie had to strain to hear it.

“What is is about her?”

Trixie’s mouth went dry, her voice a mere whisper. “Who?”

“You know who,” Willam’s words were hoarse, as though they were painful to speak. When Trixie didn’t respond, Willam’s head snapped up, her eyes burning desperately into Trixie’s. “Katya. What is it about Katya?”

“I -” Trixie’s tongue was a useless lump in her mouth, refusing to form the words she needed to say. “I - don’t know.”

Willam took a sharp intake of breath, her pale fingers loosening their steely grip on the wheel. Trixie watched her as her hands fell to her sides, her body stooping with the tell-tale signs of someone who was crumbling.

“Please, just…get out,” she whispered without casting so much a glance at Trixie, her shaking hand pointing to the passenger door. “I can’t…be with you right now.”

Trixie’s anguish was plain on her face as she gazed at her broken girlfriend. I did this; the invasive thought rose up like a cloud of black smoke in her mind. I caused this.

Trixie had nothing to say. She had no excuse, no explanation, no clue on how to make things right. All she knew was pain. Pain, confusion, and loss.

She wordlessly opened the car door, tears collecting in the corners of her eyes. She turned to look at Willam a final time before pushing the door to a close. Willam didn’t look up. Instead, she twisted her key into the ignition and sped off into the road with startling quickness.

Trixie’s glistening tears became sobs as she fought against the tide of suffering battering her insides. She stood helplessly on the busy pavement, not noticing the curious glances of strangers as they weaved their way around her. Her face dropped into her hands as she heaved through the pain, feeling like the world’s worst human being.

*

Courtney hey babe, do u want anything?

Trixie glared at the notification through sleepless eyes, her body rolled up into what could only be described as a ‘pity party burrito’. She shrunk deeper into her duvet, taking comfort in its softness, as she typed a reply.

Trixie you know what I want? Some clarity. Some sense. I want to stop hurting everyone I care about. I want to know what the fuck this is with Katya, so I can stop it. Why can’t I stay away from her? I’ve never felt this pull to someone before. This is so fucked, Court. I don’t know what to do. Can I just scream for all eternity until someone gets so sick of it that they shoot me?

Of course, Trixie wasn’t going to send that. It still felt good to type out her chaotic thought stream, though. After a lengthy backspace, she typed a reply.

Trixie a cyanide pill if any are going.

She pushed her phone away from her; face down on the bed, as she stared at the ceiling.

Courtney had once again been her white knight with her Willam drama.

After sobbing dramatically on the dusty ground of the busy L.A streets, she had fished out her phone and called her.

“C-C-Court?” she had stammered, her sobs mostly subsided but the aftermath of hiccups still very much present.

A sigh had greeted her. “What’s happened, boo?”

Trixie relayed her story, feeling a calmness return to her with every sentence. So calm, in fact, that she suddenly became very self-conscious about the fact she had wailed the house down on a very public street, and now had horrendous panda-eyes and dusty knees.

She noticed the raised eyebrows in the strangers that glanced her way, and she cast her gaze to the ground, lowering her voice.

“Court. Please come get me. This is embarrassing. This is the worst. I am the worst.”

A shrewd laugh came through the earpiece. “You aren’t the worst, you’re a human. A messy one though, I’ll give you that. I’ll send Milk to get you – hold tight, Tracy.”

Trixie had felt a churning in her gut – that was Katya’s nickname for her.

Courtney had greeted her at the door of the apartment after Milk’s delivery with a critical eye, her gaze raking the wreckage that was Trixie Mattel. “Girl,” she had said, pulling her into the apartment and away from prying eyes. “You’re a mess.”

Trixie hadn’t the energy to be offended. She was still in last night’s play-suit, her dirty knees showing up darkly against her alabaster skin. Her eyes were blood shot and circled by the smudged blackness of her mascara. “Too real,” she sighed, exhaustion probing at her.

Courtney’s eyes softened. “Come on,” she had took her hand softly, and lead her to the living room. She parked the broken Trixie in between her legs on the soft carpet, running a brush through her matted hair with surprising gentleness.

Trixie could’ve burst into tears again right then and there.

But she didn’t.

Instead, she had returned to Courtney’s spare room to wallow in her misery.

Her phone buzzed again against the sheets.

Courtney har har. get ur ass up, we’re getting take out and watching a movie. u can’t stay in there forever.

Trixie’s smile was broken.

Trixie just watch me. Trixie but I will. thank you.

But Trixie wasn’t in a hurry to get up - if she positioned herself just right, she was enveloped in the lingering scent of Katya.

*

Trixie’s phone vibrated loudly.

She was curled up tightly on Courtney’s sofa, a blanket draped around her. Milk and Courtney were sprawled out beside her, flicking kernels of popcorn at each other every so often. They were sickeningly adorable, Trixie thought.

“What are we even watching, Courtney?” Milk scoffed, his muscled arm creating an arc around the much smaller Courtney. She feigned shock, gasping dramatically and clutching at her chest.

“It's The House Bunny. It’s a classic.”

Milk scoffed again, and she pushed his arm playfully. “Trixie likes it.”

Trixie, from her cocoon, nodded. She looked at the pair with a genuine smile - if there was anywhere she could feel okay about not being okay, it was here.

“See?” Courtney said triumphantly, puffing her chest out like a proud bird.

Trixie’s gaze swept her phone.

She had a text from Katya.

Katya how are you feeling?

Trixie couldn’t fathom how to answer that question. Not like this.

Trixie what are you doing right now?

Trixie watched as three tiny dots appeared below her message.

Katya with Latrice & Roy. exciting times ahead for the cirque, mama!!1

Trixie smiled weakly.

Trixie I can’t wait to hear all about it.

She paused for a moment.

Trixie can I see you?

Trixie waited for what felt like an agonising eternity before Katya responded.

Katya yes…let’s go for a walk?

Trixie’s insides felt weak at the very prospect. She disentangled herself from the thralls of the blanket, stretching as she rose.

Courtney eyeballed her with a raised brow. “Where are you going? You can’t go back to bed, I won’t allow it.”

Trixie smiled sheepishly at her, running a hand through her tangle of blonde hair. “I’m just…heading out.”

“Out?” Courtney asked, and Milk prodded her arm playfully.

“Court, she’s a grown up, you know.”

Courtney looked offended. “She doesn't act like one.”

“Too real,” Trixie scoffed. “Again.”

She swept towards the door, intending to make herself look relatively presentable. “I won’t be long.”

*

Trixie, her hair scraped into a messy bun and dressed in Courtney’s borrowed and much too tight clothing, paused at the threshold of the apartment door.

“What am I doing?” she whispered to herself, suddenly becoming acutely aware of the implications of what she was about to do. Part of her knew that her relationship with Willam could not be salvaged - the tattered remains of what was their love was now just - ash, and dust. Even so - the other part of her still longed to make things right. Trixie was a fixer - and being the cause of so much hurt for not only Willam but Katya as well made her ache with sorrow.

She was about to turn back inside, close the door on the road she was about to take, when Katya’s voice startled her.

“Tracy Montel.”

Well. There was no going back now.

Her face twitched into a smile as she turned back to the doorway. “Hey, Katie.”

“Katie?” Katya scoffed, her maroon lips parting into a grin. “I like it.”

Trixie took a moment to look at her again - a daring move - and noticed that Katya looked a lot better than she did. She was wearing a huge, bedazzled shirt that screamed “bonjour”, and her hair fell around her shoulders in perfect straight waves. Trixie breathed in the familiar scent she exuded - the one she had been losing herself in only hours before.

“Nice shirt,” Trixie chuckled, stepping out of the apartment and closing the door behind her.

Katya pouted at her for a moment, and Trixie found herself staring at the fullness of her lips. She quickly glanced away.

“Dare I ask why you’re back at Courtney’s?”

Trixie bit her bottom lip as the pair of the descended down the steps together. “Um, well. Willam is upset with me.”

Katya didn’t say anything for a while. They reached the bottom of the steps and turned off into the night, and Trixie was grateful for the soft nip of the evening air against her warm cheeks.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Katya said, her steps falling into perfect step with Trixie’s own. “If you don’t want to.”

Trixie felt ridiculously grateful - she knew that she would tell Katya eventually, and soon, but she was completely drained of the details after having to explain herself to Courtney in her earlier mess. “Thank you. So…what’s the news?”

Katya lit up at that moment - her face broke out into the widest smirk, and there was a sudden skip in her step. God, she's so cute. “Mama…it’s all happening.”

“Chicago reviews all good?” Trixie enquired. She was so unexpectedly invested in the Cirque’s success that it almost scared her to delve into the true reasons why.

“Amazing, outstanding, the best,” Katya babbled, her hands whirling madly to accent her excitement. “Latrice called Roy and I to his apartment because, well, we’ve been scouted.”

“Scouted?”

“Yes. A hot-shot rich-o drag queen saw footage of the Chicago show online and she got in touch. She wants to take us on tour, Trix. And do you know what the best part is?”

Trixie, her jaw agape, allowed Katya to stop her in the street. Her bright eyes were dancing with glee, and Trixie could see the streetlights reflected in them like a moonlit river. Despite everything that had happened that day, Trixie couldn’t help but be intoxicated by Katya’s vibrant enthusiasm. Her worries melted away like the snowfall in the glare of the winter sun.

Trixie grasped Katya’s hands, her heart swelling with pride and just, well, pure fucking joy. If anyone deserved this, it was the Cirque. If anyone deserved this…it was Katya.

“The best part,” Katya breathed, her hands returning Trixie’s squeezing with vigour. “It’s all to raise funds for an LGBT charity that helps get queer kids off the street.”

Katya buried her face into her hands at that. Trixie felt warmth for her friend flood her entire being - she could feel it in every single sinew of her body.

“Oh, Katya, that’s…it’s…wow!”

Katya audibly sobbed, her face still in her hands. Trixie enveloped the smaller girl into her arms without a moment’s hesitation, feeling the soft thumping of Katya’s heart against her chest and the heaves of her breath through her sobs.

“Katya, oh my god,” Trixie garbled. “Are you okay?”

“I-I-just,” Katya’s words were muffled against Trixie’s shoulder. “It j-just means so much.”

Trixie knew little of Katya’s history - but she recalled the vivid embarrassment of the scene in the Closet’s bathroom, where Katya had admitted her addictive past. God, it felt like a lifetime ago.

“I’m so proud of you,” Trixie murmured, her lips pressed against Katya’s temple. Katya’s sobs had subsided into silence, and she was simply leaning into Trixie’s embrace.

Suddenly, Katya broke the contact. Her fire had returned, and she grasped Trixie’s shoulders with a maddening level of elation, her eyes dancing with delight.

“Trix,” she breathed. “Will you play for the Cirque? At our last L.A show?”

Trixie’s jaw dropped again. “W-what?”

“Yes!” Katya exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air. “You’re so good, Trix. We want to make this last show one to remember. You would be a perfect close!”

“Oh Katya, I’m touched, really,” Trixie stammered, fear paving it’s way through her insides. “But there’s no way I can perform in front of a crowd.”

“Just consider it,” Katya asked, her bottom lip pouting. “Please?”

Trixie looked at her, noting the way her eyes creased when she grinned like tiny bird feet. She felt her insides melt.

“Okay,” she resigned, amused as Katya bounced on her heels in response.

“I will be forever in your debt,” Katya did a little bow, her waist dipping low. Trixie was reminded of just how flexible she was, and she recalled just how sexy she could make it. She felt her cheeks burn at the thought.

“Polish my shoes while you’re down there,” she chortled, giving Katya a gentle shove.

The pair of them started to walk again, their steps making light echoes into the quiet night. Katya has humming tunelessly, her smile broad against her lips. Trixie felt tranquil – doing this, just this, with Katya – so simple, but so stupidly wonderful.

“Hey, you know what’s funny?” Katya asked, and Trixie felt she could detect a note of caution in her voice.

“What?”

“Um. Pearl got in touch!”

Trixie’s veins turned to ice. She tried to feign normality, forcing her lips into a false smile and trying to project non-biased interest. “Yeah?”

“Yeah!” Katya, completely oblivious to Trixie’s messy feelings, continued. “She’s in town, funnily enough. She wants to catch up.”

Trixie had to use every fibre of her being not to grind her teeth together at the thought of Katya reuniting with Pearl. She was aware she had no right to feel jealous towards the idea of it, but she’ll be damned if she doesn’t do it anyway. “Are you gonna…y’know. Go?”

Katya seemed to consider the concept with a bite of her lower lip – as if she hadn’t done already. “Honestly? I don’t know.”

Katya had stopped again, her excitable vibe dampening. Trixie halted beside her, noting the way her shoulders tensed.

“What is it?” Trixie probed gently.

“I would usually hook up with her without a second guess,” Katya sighed, her eyes slowly trailing up to greet Trixie’s. “But something is stopping me.”

Trixie felt her heart contract in her chest. “What’s stopping you?”

“Trix,” Katya turned to face her. Her arms lay at her sides, though so close to Trixie’s own that she swore her skin could feel her even though they weren’t touching. “Don’t play dumb.”

Trixie’s immediate instinct was to joke – forever her method of coping. She clasped a dramatic hand to her chest. “Oh, wow, she’s dumb, America.”

Katya rolled her eyes – though a smile still played on her lips. “America hears you and America concurs.”

“Honestly, so do I,” Trixie replied solemnly, feeling guilty for jesting despite Katya’s reaction. “So…what?”

“So,” Katya sighed. “Pearl’s great. She’s attractive, she’s funny, and she’s great in bed.”

Trixie raised a single brow. “Is this going somewhere?”

“Shut up, bitch,” Katya muttered awkwardly, running a hand over the goosebumps rising in her arms. “I’m trying. You’re making this hard.”

Trixie chuckled, running her index and finger and thumb across her lips in a zipping motion.

“Okay,” Katya sighed, her hands interlaced and fidgeting. “So, yes. Pearl’s great. She’s everything I usually go for.”

Pause.

“But she’s more like a Cindy, and I’m apparently a Barbie girl.”

Katya immediately collapsed into laughter. “Oh, god, I’m sorry,” she wheezed, tears streaming from her eyes. “I’m just…so funny.”

Trixie was baffled. “What the hell are you talking about?”

But Katya was still in the thralls of laughter, seemingly unable to stop. Trixie’s phone vibrated against her thigh from the depths of her pocket.

She pulled her phone out and gazed at the screen – Willam was calling.

“Fuck,” She whispered, turning away. “Katya, give me a sec.”

She answered. “Hello?”

“Trixie.”

Trixie’s eyes clamped shut. “Willam, hi.”

“Hey. Um,” Trixie could almost hear the inner turmoil in Willam’s strained voice. “I’m…sorry. About before. I just…couldn’t deal with it.”

Trixie sighed. “It’s okay, I like. Get it.”

“I’m ready to talk. Y’know. If you are.”

Trixie cast her eyes over the silhouette of Katya - she had regained her composure now. Her questioning eyes were searching Trixie’s.

“I’m kinda busy…”

Katya shook her head slightly, her silliness all but gone.

“It’s important, Trixie.”

Trixie bit her lip, turning away from Katya for a moment.

“Okay. I’m on my way.”

She cursed to herself after hitting the end-call button, and when she turned to explain to Katya, she had gone.

***

[never-not-ever]

2017/1 year anniversary with my girlfriend

How We Met

So I actually met my girlfriend on OkCupid when I was down here at my Aunts house last January. I love visiting my Aunt and we do hang out and go places but there’s also a lot of down time. So last year when I was down here I was bored and made an online dating account. At first it was just guys but I got pretty bored of that and started thinking how a lot of the guys weren’t my type and then I was questioning what my type even was and what gender too! So I decided to switch my “looking for” to women and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I started talking to Andrea and I remember it all so clear and it’s so crazy to be back in this bedroom where it all began. Laying on this very bed where I stayed up late talking to this amazing woman. It sounds cliche and I don’t know how but I stumbled across Girls Like Girls by Hayley Kiyoko and that was literally my anthem for that month. I mean come on the song was perfect for me. It was like my own little cheerleader in the background telling me that what I was doing was okay except I didn’t need anyone to tell me it was okay because I knew in my heart that it was perfectly okay and perfectly normal. We started talking on January 13th. I left WV and took the Amtrak train home to Boston on January 16th and that day I heard her voice for the first time. I remember it like it was yesterday! I was on the train and getting closer and closer to Boston. We were so giddy and nervous to talk on the phone but looking back it was the cutest thing. That night we talked on the phone for 2 hours. I met her the next day on January 17th and almost a week later we made it official. January 23rd, 2017.

2017

January

So the rest of the month is a blur. Lots of dates and hanging out. Meeting her family etc. Her meeting my gm. This month should have been filled with pure joy but there was also heartache. This also happened to be the month I had a fall out with my two ex-best friends. Not going to go into specifics, just that it was very painful and very toxic. 

February

Our first Valentine’s Day! I bought her flowers and she stuck post it notes around her room with little reasons why she loved me or little fun facts about us. I think it was after Valentine’s Day where I started working more and more in the Florist. I’ve been at my job for almost 8 years now and I’d always help out in the florist around the holidays but this year I moved to that department permanently. February is also the month her parents go away so I basically stayed at her house all the time! They have a 16 year old dog and Andrea works a lot and couldn't take her out all the time so her sister moved home for the month and since I was always there I grew closer to her sister during this month. 

March 

Nothing too grand and exciting.

April

We went on our first vacation to Virginia Beach and it was so much fun. Our hotel room was amazing and right on the beach! The weather was perfect and we did so much. I’d love to go back again because it was just a great time filled with lots of memories! I started talking to one of my ex-friends around this time too.

May

Birthday month! My first birthday in years were I didn’t wish to be dead when I blew out the candles. Sounds dramatic but I’m not joking. We spent the day together and I saved a baby squirrel from a rest stop parking lot. Ruined my “Normal People Scare Me” hoodie by wrapping the little guy up in it who was covered in fleas and bugs. I also started talking to the other ex-friend again but it just wasn’t the same. I think by this month I was officially a florist clerk! Besides meeting Andrea, switching departments at my job made my year. I became so much more happier and cheerful at work. I also went to my first wedding (since I was a kid which I don’t even remember!). It was a waterfront wedding and amazing. I’ll always remember that night! I wore a dress for the first time since prom!

June

I went to London!! It wasn’t as long as I would have liked but it was amazing!! I could honestly see myself living there. I went with my cousin and my uncle who was on a business trip. It was the highlight of my Summer. Went to another wedding. It wasn’t as nice as the first one but it was still a great time! It was out in western Mass and we slept overnight at a nearby hotel. The next morning me and Andrea decided to take a drive down to NYC. It was spontaneous and I loved it even though we got there around suppertime and didn’t get to do much. It was still a good time!

July

Andrea’s family has a huge 4th of July BBQ and that was a pretty great day! I wore another dress lol! My old friends came and we all hung out and played games and then watched the fireworks on a dock in the water. It was so nice to have everyone together but that was the first and last time it ever happened. A strange and mysterious thing happened this month. A baby kitten was found in my front entrance. You see, to get in my house you have to go up a flight of stairs and open not only a storm door but a regular door as well. That brings you to a little square hallway where we keep the mail and theres two more doors-one leads to the second floor where I live with my gm and the other is for the first floor where my uncle lives. We keep the mail on a little set of shelves in that hallways and one morning my gm was taking my dog out and there was a kitten sitting on the bottom shelf! We named her Delilah and kept her and she’s been a part of the family ever since.

August

This month was a blur. Nothing big and exciting happened. Met my new psychiatrist and started preparing to say goodbye to my therapist whom I would be terminating with in the next month. 

September

Went on our second vacation together to D.C. My body image was crap and it kind of sorta ruined the trip cause I was always so self conscious being in public and stuff. In the end it was still nice just being able to get away and spend time alone. It was Andrea’s birthday and I made her a collage of our pictures that said “I like me best when I’m with you”. It was cute. When we got back from our trip I started up EMT classes again. I took the course in 2014 and passed all but one test (the state written) and I let too much time go by so I decided to retake the course. At the end of the month I had to say goodbye to my therapist. Someone I worked with since April of 2016 when I was inpatient. It was so hard to say goodbye because for over a year I saw this woman almost every single week and she helped me thru times when I thought I was going to end up back in the hospital. I also stopped going to my DBT group as well. Stopping with therapy wasn’t my choice, stopping with group was. This also was the month I stopped talking to my ex-best friend whom I was friends with for over 10 years. We didn’t have a big fight or anything we just drifted apart. “You didn’t text me” “But you didn’t text me” so typically but it was bound to happen. People change and there’s nothing wrong with that. I feel like for the most of 2017 I kept trying to prove that I didn’t change like it was some bad thing when in reality it’s okay to change, it’s part of life. 

October

And to follow along with that last month I also stopped talking to my other ex-friend. I have nothing against them. They were there for me when I was at rock bottom in 2016 and for that I will be forever grateful. In 2017 however things were very rocky. Things felt forced, like I was walking on eggshells afraid to do something wrong. A never-ending rollercoaster that finally came to a stop in the end of October. I’m not going to lie and say that my life has been great ever since. Because it hasn’t. I mean yes it’s been okay and I’ve been happy but I’ve also been so down because of all that’s happened with them, second guessing myself and wondering “what if”. But in the end we all moved on and that’s all that matters because in the end life moves on.

November

This Thanksgiving me, my uncle and my gm went over to Andrea’s and it was so much fun. After my people went home I stayed and played games with her brothers and sister and their significant others. We listened to Christmas music and just had a blast. Me and Andrea started Christmas shopping and listening to Christmas music and it was the start to a wonderful holiday. In the end of the month I took my class written exam and in some surprising turn of events I passed! Like I was so shocked because I didn’t study at all and went into that exam knowing that I could retake it and thinking that thats what was going to happen. But I didn’t have to because I passed!!

December

More Christmas shopping and snuggling under fuzzy blankets with my babe. All up until Christmas the only music I listened to was Christmas music! Ever since my Aunt passed away I always hated the holidays. It was so sad and depressing. But this year was different. I was looking forward to spending Christmas with Andrea and her family and starting new traditions. This month I had two practical exams. One for the class and one for the state and I passed them both!! I went to Andrea’s family’s Christmas party on the 23rd and it was so nice and festive. I slept over that night and on Christmas Eve we all woke up and celebrated Christmas morning a day early cause not everyone could be there for Christmas Day. We went over to a friends house for New Years Eve and ordered Chinese food and played Cards Against Humanity. I can’t remember the last time I kissed someone on New Years. But this time I got to ring in the New Year with my babe. 

[aprillikesthings]

tipsy rambly thoughts on my sexual identity which you are free to ignore (and which go on for....a long time)

It shouldn’t be such an effort to remind myself to just relax because it doesn’t fucking matter what I call myself so goddamn much, I don’t have to decide anything. I’ve been out as bi at some level for literally twenty years or so, and that identity includes liking women. Nobody gave me shit for dating a bunch of dudes in a row. Nobody’s gonna give me shit for dating a bunch of women in a row, assuming that’s what happens. 

At least probably nobody will give me shit. I only came out to my parents because I had My First Real Girlfriend at a time when I had to move back in with them when I was 25--in 2005. After her I basically started a streak of dudes--not intentionally--and so they’ve only known me to date men ever since. I worry that their acceptance of my bisexuality is because I mostly dated men after that. Guess we’ll find out. 

(Speaking of which: gaaaah that means it’s been that long since I had sex with a (cis) woman and holy shit I hope I’m not awful at it. I literally bought a book about sex with women, which honestly has some advice on stuff I was worried about, yay (like ‘but how do I breathe while I’m down there’ lol))

One of my only real regrets about my 20′s is that I didn’t spend more time in intentionally queer spaces. There was this horrible feedback loop of “I’m not queer enough,” which meant I mostly dated men, which meant I didn’t feel queer enough....

The only non-straight women I knew for a long time were either middle-aged lesbians I wasn’t close to, or other bisexual women--I think literally every woman I had sex with was also bisexual. Which would have been fine.....if it wasn’t mostly women who hadn’t actually been with another woman. It was like the lesbian sheep post times ten. So much flirting. So little actual action. (Even with my one actual girlfriend, we only had sex like...once a month?? And we were dating all of five months!)

I have A Lot of Thoughts as to why bisexual women mostly date men--which I might write about at some point. One huge part of it, is that men are just easier. Straight dudes are everywhere, you don’t have to go looking for them (pfft they come after you), there are cultural scripts in place for dating them. Whereas women? If you wanna date women, usually, you have to be intentional about it.

Meanwhile lesbian culture is A Thing. Not only that, but it’s a thing that unintentionally excludes a shit-ton of people. And I don’t even mean that in a “ew you’ve touched a dick” kind of way, I mean that in--I didn’t finish college, I know exactly one Tegan and Sara song, I never listened to Sleater-Kinney; there’s just a whole bunch of cultural touchstones and rites of passage I was completely oblivious to. As a white woman into women who is my age and lives in Portland, I can’t shake the feeling that that makes me a huge outsider. I don’t really feel like I’m femme but I’m definitely not butch so I really don’t know. Some of this is projection, though, most likely; I’m just....nervous. 

I just remember, the Saturday before Halloween, going with my friend to that lesbian event, and realizing “oh god gay women, so many gay women,” and how nervous and happy I was and how hot they all were.

I thought for years that I was more into men. Was I? I don’t know??? I had sex with men. I enjoyed it a great deal with some of them, and I know I desired them. But I was always attracted to men who weren’t quite the supposed ideal. They always had something about them that was different and a little.....not-masculine? not macho? But then--I was happily bisexual! Of course I’d be into dudes that weren’t stereotypical straight dudes! 

It’s just so weird to me, to hang out or see men, and realize that while I do find some of them appealing, the idea of actually having sex with or dating any of them just leaves me totally cold. 

But how much of that is just the recent political climate? Or even before that, seeing screenshots of asshole dudes on tinder, or knowing about the MRA groups on reddit? How much of it is knowing that a guy who might seem perfectly sweet on the surface might not see me as a real human being? How much of it is knowing that even guys who profess to be feminists have no idea what emotional labor is and will still leave me with most of the mental load and housekeeping duties? 

I have a lot more sympathy for 2nd-wave feminists who decided to be lesbian for political reasons, that’s for sure. 

I worried for years that I wasn’t really into women, because so many of the supposedly sexy images of women left me cold-to-lukewarm. Sometimes part of it would ping my desires and part of it wouldn’t and I couldn’t sort it out. And to some extent, I’m finding, it’s because I’m attracted to women who are heavier, and who were less likely to be portrayed as sexy in media. And part of it is that I’m attracted to women who (for lack of a better way of putting it) look kinda gay. Even the femme ones! I’d be hard-pressed to explain what makes a femme queer woman look different from a “girly” straight woman, and I wish I knew what it was so I could do that myself, but going to more stuff where most of the women are queer....there’s something, dammit. (Do I think Hayley Kiyoko looks kinda gay ‘cause I know she’s gay? Fuck if I know.) 

But maybe I just like women more now? I don’t know.

And maybe my gay-dar is just getting better. (Hahaha was anyone else on OKCupid in the mid-00′s? You could test your gay-dar--they’d show you images uploaded by other users and ask you to guess their stated orientation--and at the time, mine was abysmal for women, but higher-than-average for men.)

I’m soooo envious of young queer women. I didn’t know any when I was younger--not any close to my age who were in actual relationships with other women. Earlier this year, a friend in her early 20′s who had a long-term girlfriend told me something like “holy shit I love fucking her, it’s so great, I know the joke is ‘how do lesbians know when to stop’ but sometimes like...we only stop because we’re both tired.” I was happy for her, but also I was so envious! And I see that all the time, on tumblr. Women having actual sex with women was a thing I knew happened when I was that age, but I hardly knew anyone my age who’d done it. It was this magical far-off fairy tale land that I might reach, someday....it was terrifying. 

And I don’t know if I’m permanently more into women, or if it’s a temporary thing, or if it even matters. I feel like I’m faking it (or just jumping the gun) if I say I’m gay, but bisexual doesn’t feel right anymore either. I worry that women who are my age and gay aren’t gonna be into a woman who has no idea what she’s doing, god dammit. 

All I know is, I’m terrified to get on OK Cupid or Tinder or Her or any of them just yet. But I also know that my wanking fantasies are all women, and my non-wanking fantasies are all women, and I feel like I’m gonna go bananas with how badly I just want, it’s like being a teenager again. (Speaking of which: I had the worst crush on this one friend of mine as a teenager, and I remember her spending the night at my house once, and hating myself because all I could think about was how badly I wanted to kiss her and touch her breasts--she turned out to be gay. I don’t think she was into me at the time so it doesn’t matter, but the irony has not escaped me.)

[kings-of-freeside]

A L L O R N O T H I N G

@atomsmute @sonofodin56

for this! (thanks, guys! this kept me busy today while i was in render hell for six hours. they’re under the readmore!)

1) a song you can listen to on repeat

Dark Days by PUP! I actually frequently do listen to it on repeat during my commute.

2) a song from one of your favorite albums

Style - Taylor Swift (1989 is such a good album)

3) a song you loved when you were a teenager or kid

I Write Sins Not Tragedies came into my life when I was about nine and it’s never left.

Shit’s Gonna Be OK by I Fight Dragons was one I listened to a lot in high school, I don’t listen to the band as much anymore but I still love them.

4) a song that makes you feel strong

The Bullpen by Dessa. It’s all about being a woman in a male dominated field and I relate.

Looking Up -SafetySuit (”I say they’re looking up, Take on whatever ‘cause I’m feeling tough, You say I’m going down but I’m feeling so fine”)

5) a song that makes you sad

Miscarriage by Said the Whale. Absolutely gutted me when I heard it for the first time, doubly so when Tyler talked about it at the concert in May.

Fiddler’s Green by The Tragically Hip. It was actually played at my cousin’s funeral.

Spanish Sahara by Foals.

6) a song that cheers you up

Looking Up - SafetySuit !!!! please listen to it it is the best happy song I know it’s on this list twice just let me have this one

Demons / Get Better / Reasons Not To Be An Idiot, all by Frank Turner

Graveclothes by Birdtalker

A Little Rain (Song for Pete) - Arkells

7) a song that reminds you of your friend(s)

I Will Follow You Into The Dark has been one of mine and Emma’s songs for a lot of years.

Watermark by The Weakerthans reminds me so much of my core #squad, mainly because of the  “we’re talented and bright, we’re lonely and uptight, we’ve found some lovely ways to disappoint” lyrics

Also the entirety of Fall Out Boy’s American Beauty/American Psycho album is always gonna remind me of going to Calgary Expo with Mickie and Emma (and Shayda) but especially Favourite Record.

8) a song that reminds you of an ex partner or crush

Paris by Magic Man (“now darling, all that shit’s behind us, you never have to wonder, you never have to ask”)

The Way I Tend To Be by Frank Turner (“and then I catch myself catching your scent on someone else, in a crowded space, and it takes me somewhere I cannot quite place” -one of my former crushes/partners had a v distinct smell, not in a gross way or anything, but just a smell that was theirs and sometimes I still catch a whiff of it)

9)   a song that reminds you of yourself

Four Simple Words - Frank Turner (”this is my culture man, this is my home” in reference to concerts!! it’s just a v important song to me and when i saw it live it was so fucking incredible.)

Cardboard Castles - Watsky (”I’m still dreaming after all these years”)

Bonus “I wish this described me”/ ideal aesthetic song: Swooner - The Zolas

10) a song that brings back bad memories

Also kind of Get Better- it’s a bittersweet memory, I saw Frank Turner live with someone who isn’t my life anymore (for a very good reason) but at the time he was one of my best friends and we made eye contact and smiled at each other as Frank sang “the best people I know are looking out for me” and in the moment it was the best but now it makes me sad.

11) a song that brings back good memories

Wish I Knew You by the Revivalists was on in the car when I found a murder hamlet on a late night drive to go stargazing with two very dear friends of mine who I haven’t known for very long so the “wish I knew you when I was young” lyric is pretty perfect and whenever I hear it I think about that night and it makes me happy even though I don’t even like the song that much.

12) a song that grew on you

Take It All Back by Judah & The Lion. Did not like it at all when I first heard it. But then I got really into it. I was going to go to their show last spring but my ID didn’t come in time so I couldn’t, my sister sold her ticket but not mine so I just lost that money. Still kinda sad about that one.

13) a song from a musical

Dead Girl Walking from Heathers. I sing it in the shower aaaaaaall the time.

14) a song with a great music video

Escape Artist- The Zolas (pls just watch it)

Girls Like Girls - Hayley Kiyoko (im gay)

Genghis Khan - Miike Snow

15) a song that’s better as a cover

Hurt - Johnny Cash (sorry not sorry, nine inch nails)

16) a song that’s better acoustic

And Then Some by Arkells. The acoustic version is swoonworthy. (and not that much different from the original but still!!)

17) a song with great lyrics

Tiny Glowing Screens, pt 2- Watsky. Technically a poem but (shrug emoji). Super powerful, and one of my favourite moments of my trip to France a few years back wasn’t in France, it was on the plane there, when everyone else was asleep and this song came up on shuffle and I listened to it while I looked out the window.

18) a song for summer

Anna Sun- Walk The Moon & The Suburbs - Arcade Fire.

Both were on constant rotation during the summers I was 14-16, and they remind me really strongly of a former best friend that I still talk to but am not as close with anymore, and all of the shenanigans we got up to.

19) a song for heartache

Mittens - Frank Turner

20) a song for car rides

One Foot - Walk The Moon. If I go on any friend roadtrips this summer it is for sure gonna be on the playlist

If You Wanna - The Vaccines is also just a really good roadtrip montage type song I think.

Also Ways To Go by Grouplove.

21) a song for the rain

Beautiful Morning - Said the Whale. It literally starts with “it’s raining, it’s pouring”, lol)

The Great Collapse - The Zolas (v good rainy day vibe)

22) a song for dancing

I Got You by Hollerado

Get Dark by the Zolas

Canyon Moon by Andrew McMahon In The Wilderness (the chorus is TOO GOOD)

Confidence by Said the Whale

Kiss The Misfits by Felix Hagan & The Family

23) a song for making out

I Wanna Be Yours/ Stop The World I Wanna Get Off With You/ Knee Socks - Arctic Monkeys (I’ve never made out with anyone but like. C'mon.)

24) a song for a lover

The Light is You - Said the Whale. I’ve wanted it to be the first dance song at my wedding for as long as I can remember.

Norway - The Paper Tigers. It’s just really effing cute.

25) a song from before you were born

After Hours - The Velvet Underground

26) a song from a band that’s no longer together

Watch The Sky - Something Corporate

27) a song you’ve seen live

Hey Jude - The Beatles (when I saw Paul McCartney!)

Raised by The Radio - Mitch Rossell (I’d never heard of him before I saw him open for Garth Brooks but I loved him. i was born and raised on music, it’s always been such a huge part of my life, and this song describes that feeling) (i can’t find a recording of this song on youtube so the link is spotify im sorry)

Lilac And Willow - Said the Whale. I remember listening to the album for the first time and thinking “I’m so excited to see this one live” and it lived up to expectations in every way, Ben’s voice is so good and distinctive and comforting.

28) a song you want to see live

I’d literally kill to see Hey I Want You by Felix Hagan & The Family live. It would be so much fun.

Black and Blue by Miike Snow (I missed them when they were in town D:)

29) a song by a band you don’t usually like

Closer - The Chainsmokers (& Halsey). Most Chainsmokers stuff is just… meh.

30) a song you recommend

Blossom - Milky Chance. It’s been my go to for a couple weeks now

[thatwitchrevan]

I have no overall opinions on olivia rodrigo but I hate traitor. First of all girl he either cheated or he didn't. Like if he said he wasn't talking to her but he was. Then he cheated. But also very weird to me that it's a betrayal to have feelings for someone when you're in a relationship and then proceed to date them when you break up. Like girl you're allowed to feel a way about it but making a whole song calling him traitor is too far. Also this song does not sound good.

This has been 'can work please stop playing these songs' hater hours with Griffin.

[thesinglesjukebox]

HAYLEY KIYOKO - I WISH

[5.30]

Hayley... Skee-Loko?

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: I wish, I wish, I wish it didn't sound like she was singing against the beat, and I wish, I wish, I wish her voice wasn't mixed like she was singing through a funnel. [3]

Tim de Reuse: Kiyoko's delivery is crisp, and her lyrics are uncomplicated (there's something satisfying about the directness of "you shut down when I tell you all the shit I want"). But all the interesting details get lost between a bunch of sonic elements that compete for attention: the rhythm section so aggressively off-kilter, the hook so syrupy-sweet, the mix sunk in a swamp of lush reverb. [5]

Alex Clifton: The maddening thing about Hayley Kiyoko's music is that her choruses are consistently fabulous but her verses awkwardly written. "Curious" had one of my favourite moments in pop last year--if you let, if you let, if you let him touchyatouchyatouchyatouchyatouchya as the beginning of a breathless chorus -- but its opening line was comparatively weak ("I need a drink, whiskey ain't my thing, but shit is all good" -- come on, Hayley, you can do better). The verses of "I Wish" sound decent but are awkwardly phrased: "it's a storm in my iris 'cause you lied" makes sense on a feelings-level but is nonetheless convoluted. It's such a shame because the chorus here is another winner. "I wish, I wish, I wish" keeps building through the song, really amping up the desire to find love and the enormous disappointment of not having found it yet. I just wish I liked this more. [5]

Vikram Joseph: I really like how coolly restrained this sounds; that moody, minor-key low-end synth pulsing through the verses, Kiyoko's vocals falling over the beat on "you're selfish with your affection", the way that the chorus refuses to take off in the way that convention would demand. I just wish that, at 28 years old, she could find some more nuanced, adult ways to express things -- "You don't like that I do what I want, like, all the time," would be embarrassing coming from Ava Max, and the chorus ("I wish, I wish, I wish I found love") feels like a reductive afterthought. The production's great though, especially on the bridge where her words coalesce into an impressionistic blur -- for the best, maybe. [6]

Alfred Soto: Except for a couple of demotic emphases in the verses, I hear little of Hayley Kiyoko's confidence on this mid tempo number reliant on bass noise and mixing board manipulations. I wish indeed. [4]

Ian Mathers: The verses continue to be Kiyoko's weak point (she just isn't that compelling a singer in the register/phrasing she uses there), but the chorus here really lifts off and makes at least part of "I Wish" worth revisiting. [6]

Will Rivitz: Moodiness has always suited Kiyoko best. Her music consistently reaches its highest peaks when she's jealous or disappointed; it's a shame that she's best known for songs of triumph and ecstasy. "I Wish" captures that moodiness not just lyrically but sonically -- the latter of which she hasn't always been able to do even at her cattiest delivery -- and ends up one of her best singles to date. Who said Soulection was boring? [7]

Michael Hong: Hayley Kiyoko's most interesting work has some sort of bite to it. It's aggressive, it's in your face, it's an over-stuffed taunt, but most importantly, it puts Kiyoko as an active individual. What it's not is this passive dirge, where Kiyoko sings verses that seem to be awkwardly strung together over a beat that limply staggers along. It's a pity, because she at least nails the despair needed to convey the phrase "I wish" over the chorus of the track. [3]

Kayla Beardslee: Flattening the dynamics on a pop song is a risky move: when you're working in a genre that lives and dies by the chorus, making your chorus so low-key that it's barely distinguishable from the verses is an unusual, interesting choice. It marks a departure from Kiyoko's past work and perhaps hints at an artistic evolution in--yeah, no, I don't like it. Sax blurts do not a chorus make. Kiyoko and her two producers are credited as writers, but the instrumental and vocals don't seem to understand that the melancholy lyrics need actual musical support to be believable. There's little of note in the production: some drums, a sax, a few plain background synths, and... that's it? For the most part, the music just coasts by blandly, never exploding into a cathartic chorus (the final one gets the closest) or invoking any emotional response at all (the bridge tries by getting louder, but the slurred lyrics are a big misstep). Kiyoko's casual singing style is consistent with her other songs (ex. "Feelings"), but on this track, it just sounds like the producers stopped recording after her first take. She's singing about heartbreak and loneliness, yet she doesn't seem serious about it. "We butt heads," "So I wild out too, motherfucker, what's up?": these lines in particular stand out as clunky, uninspired, and distractingly cavalier, and they're not helped by the offbeat nature of her delivery. To be fair, I did misspeak when I said the production only had three major elements, since there's also an echoey filter on Kiyoko's voice in the chorus and bridge. If you can't wring emotion out of her performance, I suppose you might as well try to fake it. [4]

Nortey Dowuona: One of the most popular tropes in pop music is love, especially the desiring of it, especially after years of never having it at all. Since I was 13, I've never been in love with anyone. I've never been in a position where I believed there was a chance for me to find it. Apathy can silence wishes quicker than outright thwarting. So when I finished listening to "I Wish", I expected to have another of those false breakthroughs I had listening to music in the past. Instead I closed the video and started typing this. I can't even hope for a wish anymore. [10]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[lavsplots]

                 ☆°｡◆.  A PLAYLIST FOR ELLA & CASSIE

1. Girls Like Girls - Hayley Kiyoko || 2. You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift || 3. How You Get The Girl -Taylor Swift || 4. Lay All Your Love On Me - Mamma Mia Soundtrack. ||  5. Red - Taylor Swift || 6. Keep Holding On - Avril Lavigne || 7. Holy Ground - Taylor Swift || 8. Riptide - Taylor Swift (cover) || 9. I Wanna Be Yours - Arctic Monkeys || 10. They Don’t Know About Us - One Direction || 11. IILWMBF - Sälen || 12. Everything Has Changed - Taylor Swift || 13. Can You Feel The Love Tonight - Lion King Soundtrack ||  14. Pillowtalk - ZAYN || 15. Flashlight - Hailee Steinfeld || 16. You Are In Love - Taylor Swift || 17. Drive - Halsey ||  18. Somebody To You - The Vamps feat. Demi Lovato || 19. Invisible - Taylor Swift || 20. Tennic Court - Lorde 

LISTEN HERE

1. GIRLS LIKE GIRLS

Stealing kisses from your missus // Does it make you freak out? // Got you fussing, got you worried // Scared to let your guard down // Tell the neighbors I’m not sorry if I’m breaking walls down // Building your girl’s second story, ripping all your floors out // Saw your face, heard your name, gotta get with you // Girls like girls like boys do, nothing new. 

2. YOU BELONG WITH ME

And I’m on the bleachers // Dreaming about the day when you wake up // And find that what you’re looking for has been here the whole timeIf you can see I’m the one who understands you // Been here all along so why can’t you see // You belong with me // (…) Have you ever thought just maybe // You belong with me. 

3. HOW YOU GET THE GIRL

I want you for worse or for better // I would wait forever and ever // Broke your heart, I’ll put it back together // I would wait you forever and ever" // And that’s how it works // It’s how you get the girl.

4. LAY ALL YOUR LOVE ON ME

Now everything is new // And all I’ve learned has overturned // I beg of you // Don’t go wasting your emotion // Lay all your love on me // I feel a kind of fear // When I don’t have you near // Unsatisfied, I skip my pride // I beg you dear // Don’t go wasting your emotion // Lay all your love on me.

5. RED

Loving him is like trying to change your mind // Once you’re already flying through the free fall // Like the colors in autumn, so bright // Just before they lose it all //Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted // Was right there in front of you // But loving him was red // Burning red.

6. KEEP HOLDING ON

You’re not alone // Together we stand // I’ll be by your side // You know I’ll take your hand  // Keep holding on // Cause you know we’ll make it through // Just stay strong // cause you know I’m here for you // So far away // I wish you were here // Before it’s too late // This could all disappear. 

7. HOLY GROUND

And darling, it was good // Never looking down // And right there where we stood // Was holy ground // Spinning like a girl in a brand new dress // We had this big wide city all to ourselves // We block the noise with the sound of “I need you” // And for the first time I had something to lose  // Tonight I’m gonna to dance for all that we’ve been through // But I don’t want to dance // If I’m not dancing with you. 

8. RIPTIDE

I was scared of pretty girls and starting conversations // All my friends are turning green // You’re the magician’s assistant in their dreams // Lady, running down to the riptide // Taken away to the dark side // (…) I love you when you’re singing that song // And I got a lump in my throat // ‘Cause you’re gonna sing the words wrong. 

9. I WANNA BE YOURS

Secrets I have held in my heart // Are harder to hide than I thought // Maybe I just wanna be yours // I wanna be your setting lotion (wanna be) // Hold your hair in deep devotion (how deep?) // At least as deep as the pacific ocean // I wanna be yours. 

10. THEY DON’T KNOW ABOUT US

People say we shouldn’t be together // Too young to know about forever // 'Cause this love is only getting stronger // So I don’t wanna wait, any longer // I just wanna tell the world that you’re mine, girl // They don’t know about the things we do // They don’t know about the I love you’s // (…) They don’t know how special you are // They don’t know what you’ve done to my heart. 

11. IILWMBF

I’m in love with my bestfriend // I hope that she feel the same // I’ll wear the black dress // Even though she’ll never change // I’m in love with the night life // She’s in love with her heart // (…) Just another lonely night with you on my mind // Make her feel alright, right by my side.  

12. EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED

And all I’ve seen since 18 hours ago is green eyes and freckles and your smile in the back of my mind, making me feel like // Cause all I know is we said hello // And your eyes looked like coming home // All I know is a simple name and everything has changed // All I know is you held the door // You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours // All I know since yesterday is everything has changed.  

13. CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT

So many things to tell her // But how to make her see // The truth about my past..impossible! // She’d turn away from me.. // And can you feel the love tonight? // It is where we are // It’s enough for this wide-eyed wanderer // That we’ve got this far // Can you feel the love tonight // You need'nt look too far // Stealing through the night’s uncertainties // Love is where they are. 

14. PILLOWTALK

I’m seeing the pain, seeing the pleasure // Nobody but you, 'body but me, 'body but us // Bodies together // I’d love to hold you close, tonight and always // I’d love to wake up next to you // So we’ll piss off the neighbours // In the place that feels the tears // The place to lose your fears // (…) It’s our paradise and it’s our war zone. 

15. FLASHLIGHT

I got all I need when I got you and I // I look around me, and see a sweet life // I’m stuck in the dark but you’re my flashlight // You’re getting me, getting me through the night // Can’t stop my heart when you’re shinin’ in my eyes // Can’t lie, it’s a sweet life // I’m stuck in the dark but you’re my flashlight // You’re getting me, getting me through the night.

16. YOU ARE IN LOVE

You can hear it in the silence, silence // You, you can feel it on the way home, way home // You, you can see it with the lights out, lights out // You are in love // True love // You kiss on sidewalks // You fight and you talk // One night he wakes // Strange look on his face // Pauses, then says // You’re my best friend // And you knew what it was // He is in love.  

17. DRIVE

All we do is drive // All we do is think about the feelings that we hide // All we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign // Sick and full of pride // All we do is drive // It’s so simple but we can’t stay // Over analyze again, would it really kill you if we kissed // And California never felt like home to me // Until I had you on the open road and now we’re singing.

18. SOMEBODY TO YOU

All I wanna be // Is somebody to you // Everybody’s trying to be a billionaire // But every time I look at you I just don’t care // I didn’t wanna settle down // But now I wake each day // Looking for a way that I can see your face.   

19. INVISIBLE

And you can’t see me wantin you the way you want her // But you are everything to me // And I just wanna show you // She don’t even know you// She’s never gonna love you like I want to // You just see right through me but if you only knew me // We could be a beautiful miracle unbelievable instead of just invisible.

20. TENNIS COURT

Baby, be the class clown, I’ll be the beauty queen in tears // It’s a new art form showing people how little we care (yeah) // We’re so happy, even when we’re smilin’ out of fear // Let’s go down to the tennis court, and talk it up like yeah.    

[scarfninjawrites]

Scarfninja’s Jukebox/Music Writing Tag

Inspired to do this tag by @shaelinwrites even though I wasn’t tagged (you can see her post here). Of course, this gave me a great excuse to my another playlist on 8tracks again, which you can listen to here. 

The rules are:

1. List lyrics that best describe your characters from your manuscript (doesn’t have to be current)

2. List at least three characters/lyrics

Also, thanks to @sarahkelsiwrites for creating this. I love doing these sorts of posts so I hope to do it some justice. Here we go!

HOPE : “So you can throw me to the wolves/Tomorrow I will come back/Leader of the whole pack" Throne - Bring Me the Horizon 

To be honest, this song could pretty much describe like 90% of my characters. But seeing as Hope literally drags herself through hell, I think it’s best suited for her.

Hope is from the first arc of my first, giant project, which I refer to as The Saga. She’s the first of eight chosen to change the system of magic within their world. A bit of a stoic, you might be shocked to see how protective and loyal she is to her friends and family.

Also she has lightning magic. get it?

LOLA: “And I don't give a damn about my reputation/Never said I wanted to improve my station"  Bad Reputation - Avril Lavigne 

The second heroine of The Saga. Fun fact: Lola is actually the protagonist of the very first book I ever wrote. Also, like her successor, Rouge, I primarily associate her with the color red.

Lola is the closest thing I have to an anti-heroine. She has less gripes with doing morally gray things if it means achieving her goal. Admittedly, her motivation, returning ancient relics to where they belong, is a pretty pure one. But she has no problems with killing or blackmailing people, and she’s certainly not afraid of standing up to people.

She’s been discriminated against for her entire life for being a halfling, so she’s pretty jaded. 

ANDY: "One breath in this moment/We'll stay 'til we're chosen, and through it all/With our eyes wide open/We'll fight 'til we're broken/We rise and fall" Rise & Fall (Krewella Mix) - Adventure Club (feat. Krewella) 

The Saga’s third heroine, and another halfling. She’s also a knight, and has a strong sense of morality and holds her ethics in high regard. Probably the most honorable of the six Saga heroines.

Needless to say, Andy is not afraid of dying in battle if she thinks it will help. She takes her status as a knight and bodyguard super seriously. I can’t talk about her too much without getting into some spoiler territory, unfortunately.

I picked this song for her because I think it has a nice “breathy” element to it that she would really like. That’s probably a weird way of describing it, but it gets at her essence. 

SHARONA: "I'm such a star/Queen boulevard/Blaze through the dark/And never stop, it's how we ride/Comin' up until we die" Break the Rules - Charli XCX 

Sharona, or should I say, Princess Sharona, is The Saga’s fourth heroine and arguably its liveliest.

The best way to think of Sharona is if you take the easy-going nature of Son Goku and mixed it with pre-Angel Cordelia. Also while keeping Goku’s battle lust. Essentially, Sharona will do whatever Sharona wants. And if she’s bored, she will let you know in the bluntest terms possible. (”Yes, Mr. Prime Minister, this meeting is a complete drag so I’m going to leave now.”) If it weren’t for her older brother, Aodh , and his mastery of persuasion there would probably be more threats against her life.

Sharona is also easily distracted. Despite in being search of previously mentioned older brother, every time Sharona arrives in a new town, she immediately goes in search for the strongest person around to challenge them to a fight. And she will not leave town without fighting them.

In a contemporary novel, she would be your local party girl and upcoming Instagram model. Would constantly pose with her tongue sticking out and would drive a car with a detached roof just like music videos. 

CHRISSI: "I crawled over broken glass/To find a place in the sun/Was with me all along" Awesome- Darling Violetta 

The Saga’s fifth heroine has no magic or fighting skill, but she has a pretty unique skill. Chrissi is a “jademaker” or someone who specializes in making magically enchanted charms that help with the most mundane of tasks to enhancing entire armies.

In terms of personality, she’s a bit of a proto-Jenna; both are dreamers, and romantics at heart, are super optimistic about life and take a backseat to the hardcore action. Chrissi is a bit more confident in herself, however, and unlike Jenna, she got her formal schooling from going to an academy rather than a tutor.

Since the fourth and fifth arcs of The Saga have the shortest time gap (only four years), she’s actually introduced during Sharona’s story, and they have cute nicknames for each other - “Cupcake” and “Roni”. (Chrissi was only eleven at the time, cut her a break. Judge Sharona more). Despite all the teasing, Chrissi really looks up to her and wants to do well by her. In fact, Sharona was the one who encouraged Chrissi’s dream of studying and becoming a great jademaker.

CLARISSE/LIESE: "We play with fire/These yellow marks get glowing/Ember on the wire, I'm burning with you on this black tar road/When it feels this good, you don't let go" One Bad Night - Hayley Kiyoko

The last heroine of The Saga is also the youngest at fourteen. Until the night she was attacked by zombie (yes the story really goes there), she had no idea she was a fire mage. She was under the impression that her life would be normal (or rather, as normal as it can get in this world) and being inducted into an underground resistance was not part of that plan.

These lyrics were picked more for an on the nose reason - her fire magic. I think an older Liese would listen to a lot of Hayley Kiyoko and relate to her though, especially this song. More or less, she’s a pretty typical teenager thrust into a situation she’s unprepared for. Like Sharona, she thrives off of parties and people, though she’s got more tact and lacks Roni’s confidence.

Also, Liese is her nickname I chose because of one of my favorite video game characters. 

JENNA FELDBERN: "Waiting for love/Waiting for the same or/Dreaming on the other side/Hoping no matter how far I'll find my way to you/Following a rainbow" Rainbow - Colbie Caillat 

Hardcore romantic lesbian witch. Jenna’s story is probably the most easygoing I’ve ever written, and Elixir’s playlist (not the mini mix) has a lot of Colbie Caillat. This and One Fine Wire describe her best.

Jenna aspires to greatness, and wants to see if she has any secret witch abilities. It’s unlikely, considering the magic gene runs pretty low in her family. It was a major surprise that her mother was born a witch at all. Still, Jenna is determined to evolve her skills.

More to be revealed in my eventual All About My Novel post for Elixir of Heaven.

MELISSA: "My friends ain't gotta worry more/They meet outside the corner store/And walk the pavement, miss the cracks/I’d join them if I could relax" Hang It Up - The Ting Tings 

Melissa is from a short story I wrote called “From the Sidelines”. It’s essentially the story of a mistreated sidekick trying to do the right thing in the face of abuse and incompetence. 

In short, she’s Hermoine - super smart and gets everything done only for the “hero” to get all the credit. It’s only when she has her views challenged by the sidekick of the story’s villain that she has to really consider whether or not she can continue fighting the good fight the same way.

She also has a really cool friend she’d rather be hanging out with most of the time but can’t because of freakin’ Kevin.

ROUGE DELAVILLE: "We fight for the dream/We fight to the death/We fight for control" Fight Like A Girl - Emilie Autumn 

The second heroine associated with the color red. Rouge is from my Little Red Riding Hood reimagining Captain Rouge. Which is basically a retelling with sailing and magic.

She’s pretty similar to Sharona, though a bit more diluted. She’s also no where near as extroverted, and when actually trying to make friends, she struggles a bit. She’s kind of lonely. She’s also the only other noble character I have.

Still, Rouge has no problems speaking her mind, and has dreams of sailing across the oceans to see other countries. She’s definetely a fighter, and can often be seen training with either her gun or in hand-to-hand combat. She gets to sent to her grandmother to work at her shipyard, since her parents can’t tolerate her “bad attitude.” Rouge is also asexual and aromantic and has zero desire of being tied down in a political marriage, something that causes her endless stress. It’s also caused a strain in her relationship with her sister, Bianca.

I’ll be talking a bit more about her in my All About My Novel post for Captain Rouge, so I’ll cap it here.

MARIA VALENTINA: "Made of concrete made of gold/I am young and I am old/Preach the Son's eternity/You tell them lies/You tell them all" I Am Shell, I Am Bone - Gazelle Twin 

I’ve brought up this song a bunch of times, and I mentioned that it was one of the biggest inspirations for The Twilight Court, and specifically one of its main characters. I never revealed what her name was though.

Maria is one of the POVs in part 2 of the book. I can’t really tell you all that much more about her role, so here are some trivia facts instead: she’s also associated with the color red. She’s Italian and Catholic. Maria isn’t her real name. She’s unknowingly asexual and aromantic.

This was fun, so I might do another one soon, except with Disney songs.

Check out my other playlists!

The Twilight Court

Elixir of Heaven

Lola’s Novel (Dark Scarlet)

Also, I tag anyone interested in doing this.

[shamelessllamapeanutthing]

My MatchaBlossom playlist

Here's the link to the playlist on Spotify-

Song meanings and POVs elaborated on down under.

Call it what you want- Taylor Swift

(Let's start with a TS song cause why tf not. I am and always will be a total slut for her 💜)

Okay, just the general vibe of this song is that of a person who's been through a bit and has now found a love so beautiful it's helping them heal and I feel like that ties in so well with Cherry and Joe's entire arc. I hear this song in Cherry's POV when Joe's affection is starting to restore his faith in love and life after Adam's done fucked it all up. Or even when his anxiety gets really fucking bad or whatever. It's just got big comfort vibes and I am a total whore for Cherry acknowledging and appreciating everything that Joe does for him.

All my flowers grew back as thorns,

Windows boarded up after the storm,

He built a fire just to keep me warm.

Explosion- Zolita

PINING JOE PINING JOE PINING JOE

*ahem* let me be more articulate.

TEENAGED PINING JOE

Don't call me about him I don't wanna hear

Put him out of your mind just make him disappear

Stop pretending you got nothing left to hide

My memory is slipping and it's killing me alive

Reached the bitter end

Can't pretend I'm not in love with my best friend, my best friend

Hate that you know me- BLEACHERS

Okay I think this song fits Cherry very well, especially when he is still trying to understand his dynamic with Joe. My personal headcanon is that Cherry is prone to bouts of self-hatred because of his anxiety and consequently, doesn't always consider himself deserving of Joe's love, and so, he tends to dislike it at times when Joe seems to understand him better than others and anticipate his needs so well, and I feel like this song depicts that beautifully.

Sometimes I hate that you know me so well (so well)

Sometimes I, I hate that you know me so well (and I hate ya)

Some days I, I wish that I wasn't myself (No)

No luck! (No)

And I hate that you know me so well

Heart attack- Demi Lovato

Okay, I can not be the only person who thinks of teenaged Cherry every time this song comes on. Imagine a Cherry who's flabbergasted by the strength of his feelings for Joe, and can never figure out what to do with himself.

Never break a sweat for the other guys

When you come around, I get paralyzed

And every time I try to be myself

It comes out wrong like a cry for help

It's just not fair; pain's more trouble than love is worth

I gasp for air; it feels so good, but you know it hurts

Lover- Taylor Swift

I have a very specific scene in mind when it comes to this song and that is MatchaBlossom slow-dancing in the first house they get together.

We could let our friends crash in the living room

This is our place, we make the call

And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all

Make you mine- PUBLIC

You knew this song was going to end up on here lol.

Strangely enough, aware as I am of the fact that most of the fandom believes Joe was the one chasing Cherry (and I agree) this song just hits me as all Cherry's. It has all of his characteristic dogged determination and refusal to admit defeat lol

Well, I have called you darlin' and I'll say it again, again

So kiss me 'til I'm sorry, babe, that you are gone and I'm a mess

And I'll hurt you and you'll hurt me and we'll say things we can't repeat

Mess is Mine- Vance Joy

Slightly older, mellowed out MatchaBlossom, starting to realise they're in this together for the long run, that they always have been.

Further I feel like verse 1 and 2 respectively follow Joe and Cherry's POVs

First we have Joe, who is just brimming with the realisation that Cherry is his for good.

Talking like we used to do

It was always me and you

Shaken up and shipping out

Check me in and check me out

...

Hold on my darling

This mess was yours, now your mess is mine

Secondly, we have Cherry, who considers himself unbelievably lucky to have been considered worthy of Joe's love and keeps wondering if he is half as good a partner to the other man as he is to him.

See you in the market place

Walking around at 8 AM

Got two hours before my flight

Luck be on my side tonight

You're the reason that I feel so strong

The reason that I'm hanging on

You know you gave me all that time

Did I give enough of mine

More than Friends- BEKA HONNE

Baby MatchaBlossom pining. Really sweet, soft vibes. I keep thinking of shy, unsure junior high school Kaoru and Kojiro suddenly becoming blushing, stuttering messes around each other for a period of time as they both hit the realisation that they'd very much like to be kissing each other and it's very much not a Friend™ thing.

It happens after Joe has freshly realised that he is bi after all and Kaoru is exactly what he needs. Again, verse one reminds me of Joe, verse two of Cherry. They are down under respectively.

Driving home and those cats eyes got me seeing you

I'm always seeing you

I don't know how to tell you that I was wrong before

I thought I needed more

I was wondering if we could talk

I think about you every day

And the mixtape you made

Is all I ever to play

And every song reminds me that

You and I

Should be more than friends

...

I never thought I would see your face at my door again

Not at 3 AM

And I don't know just why I wasn't enough before

I thought you needed more

I know you came here to talk

Can't listen to the tape I made

It brings me too much pain

Cause every song reminds me that

You and I

Should be more than friends

This song can also work if you reverse the POV orders and then see it post Adam, but the vibe is a lil too soft for that.

Night go slow- Catey Shaw

MatchaBlossom but in a chill, lo-fi aesthetic.

The cars all stop where they are

When you take my hand, there is no time

Every moment that passes by with you

I wish I could rewind

Let go of your ways

And forget today

Just follow me tonight

Do you understand why I put all my plans on hold?

Not Afraid Anymore- Halsey

Okay, this one goes a lil heavy but imagine a traumatised Cherry, ya know after Ad*m, finally learning to let himself go and feel things again, emotionally and sexually, with Kojiro.

I also feel like they are two kinky bastards so really if you only wanna interpret it like that be my guest.

I am not ashamed anymore

I want something so impure

You better impress now, watching my dress now fall to the floor

Crawling underneath my skin, sweet talk with a hint of sin

Begging you to take me

Devil underneath your grin, sweet thing

But she play to win, heaven gonna hate me

People Crying Every Night- A R I Z O N A

I hear this song as Joe trying to get through to a hesitant Cherry, trying to make him see that while they don't get a say in so many other things, things that have happened and things that will happen, they get to choose the life they have together. They get to pick out their happy ending, build one out of scratch with each other and even if they have nothing else, at least they have this.

Oh and as the day

Turns into night

The things that we can't say

The things we try to hide

Like everyone else

We can't choose the way we die

Oh but we can choose

The way we live tonight

Oh I wish I had the answers

I wish I had the time

To give you all the reasons

Why it's worth it down the line

Ready to go- NEFFEX

This song is an ✨ aesthetic ✨

Okay but imagine, young, punk! MatchaBlossom, maybe around the time when they're travelling the world together?

It's all hot and heady, and Joe is thrilled by the wild, wild force of nature Kaoru is. He can't do anything but give in.

She said stay for a minute

Play with my limits

Drink till we're sinnin'

Baby I'm ready to go

...

She said she's finally alive

When she starts losing control

I said I know what to do

Just let our bodies go

Shine a Light- BANNERS

Another Kojiro song. This one reflects his inner struggle as he feels torn between wanting to comfort and protect Cherry after Adam, and the fact that he is hopelessly in love with Cherry who inadvertently keeps hurting him with how he is lost in the huge web of feelings he can't parse through, not completely blind to how much Kojiro loves him but not fully realising it either. This song reminds me of a confused and helpless Kojiro. Loving Kaoru is such an integral part of him that it makes him, him and it is his constant in the rapidly changing world around him as he stands on the brink of adulthood. He is very nearly ready to beg for mercy and yet knows he, himself is saved by the love he has for Kaoru.

And when the night falls, oh, call on me

Just don't forget to show me some mercy

Ooh, say you're mine

Ooh, take me higher

Sleepover- Hayley Kiyoko

JOE PINING @ HOMOEROTIC SLEEPOVERS WITH YOUR B(est)F

You wanna be friends forever?

I can think of something better

I'm just feeling low, feeling low

Sleeping here right next to me

But will you ever mess with me?

No

Thank you, my twilight- the pillows

Listen, this has been my fav classic Japanese love anthem for so long and to think it is PERFECT for Matchablossom just makes my heart go 💞

The lyrics are heart-wrenchingly raw and real, which is great reflection of Joe and Cherry's relationship. I include a translation of a few verses below, the first one seems something snatched straight out of Joe's internal monologues and the second one depicts the breathless intensity and loyalty so typical of Kaoru:

If you think it looks like I'm waiting for someone

Then you're right

I've been waiting for you

...

Sometimes people will ask me

"How far will you go for her?"

BABY as far as it takes

Wings- HAERTS

Another song depicting Cherry healing from Adam and learning to accept Joe's love, but a fluffier and sweeter way to go about it.

In which, Cherry decides to separate all of the sweeter moments of his and Joe's days with Adam from all of the bitterness, and carry that in his heart after they part ways and he finally moves on.

I will never let you go

I know you want it, know you want it

Learning love means not to know

I'll learn to take it,

Would you mind- PRETTYMUCH

Ending this post with a fluffy, flirty rec that could be Joe's anthem. See for yourselves.

Say you don't catch feelings, you say you ain't the love type

I'ma have to work, then, uh the whole night

Nothing like your ex, no, this ain't what you used to

Just give me that chance, girl, uh, won't lose you

See it? ;) Also, I feel like Joe had typical frat boy taste in music at some point so

[scrumptiousdonutangel]

1-25

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

One of my friends last night. She’d been crying and ranting all evening and I was cheering her up.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Definitely shy. I’m terrified when it comes to introducing myself or talking to new people. I’ve got a tad of social anxiety so meeting new people is really hard for me, but I’m not going to let that stop me.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

My older sibling is in the Philippines currently with my baby bro visiting our grandparents, so probably her. They both should be back by the end of Febuary though.

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Absolutely. I can pretty much getting along with just about anyone after the few couple awkward minutes. I think it’s mostly cause I try my best to make the people around me feel as comfortable as possible and I love to listen so that helps a lot.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

I don’t really like anyone currently, just a lot of tiny little crushes. But all of them would take care of me, because they’re all incredibly wonderful and kind people.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Someone who is as nerdy as me or at least doesn’t mind me rambling about a marvel plot for a solid hour, someone who isn’t afraid to try new things and have new experiences, someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously and can laugh at themselves, someone who is just as romantic as me but is okay with just staying at home for date night sometimes, someone who’s eyes crinkle when they laugh, someone who doesn’t judge people or insult people behind their back, someone who takes care of themself physically and mentally or at least tries to, someone who is as into the arts as I am, someone I can joke around with and be myself, someone who loves to have deep and intellectual conversations just as much as I do, someone who doesn’t push me to be a better person, but who’s presence and love MAKES me want to be one.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Probably not since I’ve been focusing more on building my skills and working on projects than searching for a date. But as I’ve said, there are people I’m interested in and the future might hold something there.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

My little brother who is going to be turning 1 in about a week. He’s having a blast enjoying the sun and beach, but I still miss him.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Not really, since I see it as a perfectly natural and normal thing. Of course it all depends on where we’re talking about it and who with, but most of the time I’m perfectly fine with having a conversation on it.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My friend who stayed over last night. I won’t say what we talked about though since that’s her personal business.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Oh that’s good! Then when you get to the exciting parts you’ll be able to fully enjoy them and not be tired.”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

White Nights // Oh land Oh land

You are enough // Sleeping at last

How far we’ve come // Matchbox twenty

Feelings // Hayley Kiyoko

Girls/Girls/Boys // Cover by Ally Hills

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Hell yes, there’s nothing better than laying around with someone and them casually touching you or playing with your hair. It is the epitome of cute

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

I don’t know if I would use those words specifically, but I do believe in life taking sudden turns in a good direction, sometimes so amazing that it seems nearly impossible or like something like luck or a miracle.

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I got a taste of independent life by volunteering away from home at a summer camp for half the summer, and consequently came out of my shell a little and grew in confidence. It was really odd to realize that if I just spoke up more and went out of my way to talk to people I could be that popular.

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

That would be my cat so of course

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Yes I do believe that there is a chance of other life forms on other planets. With a universe so incredibly vast, the possibilities are seemingly endless.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Yeah, we talk every once in a while nowadays, mostly because we grew up together and our families are still distant friends. But we don’t hang out much outside of that.

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Bubble baths are the best way to unwind besides a good book in my opinion. especially if you have a ball bomb as well.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

I don’t really know my neighbors, so I guess I like them well enough. I haven’t lived here my whole life and I’m planning to move as soon as I graduate so I’m not too worried about making bonds with people in the neighborhood.

21. What are your bad habits?

whenever I’m working on a project I forget to eat and sleep and then end up feeling completely exhausted, I procrastinate a lot when I don’t want to do something and just focus on other tasks that I enjoy doing, I’m a bit of a pushover and I’ve been told I’m way too nice for my own good, whenever I’m upset I’ll clean for hours and hours until either the smell of chemicals is making me sick or my hands get a raw feeling, and I have a hard time remembering to text back.

22. Where would you like to travel?

Where wouldn’t I like to travel? I’ve always been a huge nerd for greek mythology, so I’d love to visit Greece. I want to visit my grandparents in the Philippines and my aunt and uncle in Australia. I’d love to explore the black forest in Germany, the loch ness lake in England, and the cliffs in Ireland. I’m hoping to take a trip to japan whenever I graduate to visit a family friend, and I’ve always wanted to visit Egypt. I’d really like to visit Toronto Canada again, and I’m hoping to live in Brighton England for awhile after I graduate University. Going to anywhere in Italy would be amazing, but Venice has always fascinated me with its odd architecture. In the US I’d love to take a road trip and visit a lot of places, but mostly I’ve always wanted to see the redwood forests in Washington.

23. Do you have trust issues?

Unfortunately, yes. It’s not that I’m not open with people, in fact I’m a very forward person. I always just have a little part of me that is scared the person will leave me or secretly hates me or something like that. I’ve been actively trying to get better with it though, because I don’t want to have that sort of mindset my whole life.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Either whenever I do my makeup in the morning or studying languages in the evening. On one hand doing my makeup is very fun because it’s like painting on my face and I love the feeling of the brushes, but on the other hand I really love being able to learn, no matter what the subject is. And when it comes to languages (I’m currently learning Spanish, French, German, and Russian) I can’t help but have fun with it and enjoy learning a little bit more of other cultures.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Hmmm, maybe my thighs? I have a pear shaped body and while I’m a pretty healthy person and work out almost daily, my thighs have always been on the bigger side. Although they look killer in a skirt ;)