#i enrolled into the program i was accepted last week lol

[dokjaism]

thanks to my mom's insistence i'm still a student lmao

[studywithanoodle]

Weeks 3 and 4

It's been a bit since my last post! My bio midterm was Wednesday, so my time was taken up by that as well as my mental health problems that came up again last week. That will be discussed more in the next section of my post. I also got my midterm score at midnight on Friday, so I will reflect on that as well.

A View Into My Week of Work and Studying

I found out that I have to take the final for Calculus 2 at my school so that I can take Calculus 3 next semester, which slightly concerns me because of how it'll fit in my schedule at this point in registration. I registered for classes on November 1st, and my schedule looks pretty good other than my long day on Wednesdays. It pretty much has everything that I need, including Monday mornings free when I travel back to school from home and Friday afternoons free before peak time for the train back home so that my commute is cheaper. Because of this, I created a calendar to space out my review of Calculus 2 topics so that I can be prepared in time for finals week.

I found out that I can't take Physics 2 next semester since it would be technically re-enrollment due to my transfer credits from high school and would require a whole process, so I decided that I would audit the class. I like this option a lot better because I won't have to do labs LOL but I get access to the subject material and can practice my skills. On this note, I'm unable to tutor in the Learning Resource Center this semester, but next semester I should have a spot.

Now, for my review of my bio midterm! I studied a lot for it in the two weeks leading up to it, which resulted in me finishing it in around 15-20 minutes. In the days leading up to the release of grades, I kept hearing people discuss the answers to certain questions that were hard, and I started get nervous about my score.

I ended up getting an 86, so if I had gotten one more question right, I would've gotten an A, which I'm slightly upset about. I aimed for an A, so I'm not the happiest, but it's definitely advantageous considering the curving and the fact that the median score was a 59 like the last midterm. I'm really trying to figure out how to study better so I can get an A+, which is obviously possible considering someone got a 96. If anyone has any extremely obscure tips, let me know ahaha I feel like I've seen everything!

I'm currently working on my application to a neurosurgery summer program, so I requested a letter of recommendation from my mentor. The acceptance rate is around 3%, which I'm concerned about, so I'm looking at other summer research programs. Even if they don't end up being for neurosurgery, I can gain a lot from doing clinical neuroscience research at a major institution somewhere. I just really hope I get into the program of my choice, though.

Concerns

This is where I discuss the mental health episode that I had last week (not this week that just passed). I think that it's important to discuss mental health when it comes to being a student and a productive individual outside of academics. My depression (which for now is undiagnosed but I'm on the road to treatment for it) affects my life in many facets, as it would for anyone else. I definitely would categorize it as high-functioning, but I've had really bad depressive episodes a few times, with them occurring only in 2022. This is most likely because my condition went untreated for a while, so that kind of stress builds up. This episode in particular delayed my submission of my paper for my writing class, which was the second one that I unfortunately submitted late already this semester.

Part of the stress comes from not really feeling comfortable with the community since my class in my program is small, so I don't have any friends in it. I started meeting with a study group, and we helped each other with doing better on the midterm for bio, but it's not really like I would hang out with them normally? I don't really know. Well, there's our vulnerability statement for this week lol.

Hobby Analysis

Yesterday, I took out time to watch youtube videos and crochet a bit, which was really fun. I missed watching tiktok compilations on youtube and crocheting at the same time, which was something I did on the weekends often during my senior year in high school. I really enjoy it because I usually learn a lot since they're social justice videos.

Hopes for Next Week

I hope that in the upcoming week, I get more on track with my calculus studying since this week was kind of wild considering I had to travel home. I'm starting mentoring, so that's going to be an enjoyable experience, as well. I hope that I start doing my research proposal for my writing class in a timely manner as to prevent a situation like the one from last week. Finally, I hope that I can finalize my list of summer research programs and be more diligent with work on my clinical research.

Until next week!

[yesicanbelieveitsnotbutter]

what’s that? divorced mociet au for maximum angst? don’t mind if i do!

they meet in a local park, deceit probly says something like “Nature is so beautiful, it’s a shame man tries to own her” and patton is like “omg so deep take me”

they go on sum dates

patton dives head first into love and drags dee with him

pat wants to get married, dee is unsure, but want to make pat happy so he accepts

they adopt a 3 year old logan and 1 year old twins roman and remus

tensions rises as they have two distinct styles of parenting

a friend of patton gets pregent young and asks him to raise the baby (trans!remy for added angst maybe idk)

pat agrees without talking to dee

dee finds out and they have their 1st big fight

dee agrees to raise the babe but the tension has snapped and is poisening their relationship

lil babe virge joins the famILY

deceit goes “i’ve only know virgil for a hour but if anything happens to him i will kill everyone and then myself”

they divorce and there’s an ugly custody battle

dee: “you aren’t responble enough to raise children!!!”

pat: “my baaaaabbbiiiiieeeessss!!!”

Logan (5) and Roman (3) go with Patton

Remus (3) and Virgil (2) go with Deceit

Patton moves away to a new town and they break off contact

pat enrolls his sons in a K-12 school and they do really well

dee works long hours to support his sons

he puts remus in a public school, but remus doesn’t do well in school

he gets into fights and gets expelled

dee sends him to a new school

this happens alot

dee wants to keep remus and virge in the same school, so every time remus gets expelled, he moves both of them

they never stay in the same school for more than a year

this is very stressful for dee who eventually has to move around to keep up with remus’s school-switching

this is also super hard on virgil who never learns how to make friends

dee, who is always stressed and not always there, and remus, a fuck-up who couldn’t care less, become his contants

they move to a new town before virgil’s freshman year

virge and remus go to the local highschool

remus meets roman in their classes (surprise! they have ended up in the same town patton moved to earlier!!)

they don’t reconize either other (obv they were like 3)

remus chalenges roman to a fight durring lunch

virge is like “remus no” and remus is like “remus yes”

crowd gathers and roman wants to protect his pride

they fight and it gets bloody quick

roman’s older brother, logan (:O), comes rushing in and breaks it up

he reconizes remus and virge (he got good memory or sumn)

virge is like “WTF REMUS THIS IS WHY DAD HATES YOU”

and leaves

Logan is surprised pikachu face

the whole school is buzzing with gossip of new kids und log and rom

virge skips class and hides in the liberary

logan finds him after school

logan: “bro i’m like ur older bro” virge: “wth no way bro” logan: “no no i got this picture with both of our now single parents in it” virge: “fuck dude that’s sum pretty solid evidence”

virge opens up a bit to lo

they go to the dention room together but!! patton is there (gasp) and virge is like “omg i can’t let him see me” and lo is like “ur tots right, i won’t say a word”

pat and boys leave and virge goes into dention room

but remus is gone????

suprise bitch he went home early- virge learns thru dee’s “wth are u!!” phone call

dee and boys have dinner, which doesn’t happen often

dee: “im so sorry we can’t have this more often” remus: “whatever ur cooking stinks” virge: *internal panic* cantlethimfindoutcantlethimfindout

back to pat- he’s not angry, roman, just disapointed. fighting=bad

everyone goes to be tired and upset except remus, bc he’s a bastard (look i love him, but he is a bastard)

next day is school day

people whisper about virge and reem in the hallways, but he indimidates them with his Insane Looks TM

Roman “”””forgives””””” Remus when the meet and remus shrugs and insluts his non-existent mother

logan is there and calmly reminds roman not to retaliiate

things go okay for a few weeks

virge is loney, remus is bastard, roman is trying so hard to not punch him in the face, and logan is a nerd

virge needs lo’s nerd skills to pass a test

lo teaches him at the school

ro joins one of their study sessions

at 1st he’s rude to virge but then he reliezes virge is not a bastard like remus

they become friends, an lo and virge tell ro ~The famILY Seceret~

later ro begs virge to join Drama Club

virge is like “nuuu” ro is like “pleassss” virge is like “...ok fine.”

they are doing a play version of The Parent Trap

Ro and virge gets the role of the twins 

rem makes fun of virge for his growing interest in the-ay-tar, but dee’s happy he’s putting himself out there and making friends

logan finds the play ironic lol

pat is excite!! and support!! for roman and his starring role

but then!! lo ro and virge Relieze both parents will Be There and See their Sons or Each Other

remus shows up like an eavesdropping bitch and is like “lol what if we dedicated it to them lol it be funny”

“REMUS NO”

lo’s like “welp nothing we can do bout it now”

ro: “wait! what if u and remus took the other parent of the child on stage out of the theater so they only see their child!!”

lo: unrealilistic

virge panic tm

remus gives a ton of really bad ideas

everyone goes home with this big fat problem in their minds

remus starts dropping onimous hints about the play and dee is Concern

the day of the play comes

ro and virge decied that no matter what, the show must go on

they perform and do really well, breaking both their legs (jk)

(remus throws a tomato onto the stage at the climax lol)

after the show virge finds dee an ree in the crowd

dee is super quiet and looking around (he has the program in his hand)((the program with roman’s full name)) (((which would have patton’s last name)))((((u get it))))

virge panic pt 2, but remus saves the day (whaaa) by asking to go for icecream

dee agrees and they go for sum BR

BUT! ro lo and pat had the same idea!!

they’re in the same icecream parlor!

remus stiffs a laugh

dee cooly glances over to where the pat and boys are sitting before heading over to the country to order

virge quietly follows

lo notices them and nudges ro who abruptly stops talking and looks over at dee and boys, alerting pat of their prensence

flashes of grief on pat’s face

the table is quiet before ro awkwardly picks up the conversation where he left off

dee gets a table as far away from pat &co as possible

however, he looks up once and locks eyes with patton

both tables are quiet

dee breaks the eye contact and starts talking to his boys

patton smiles sadly at his icecream

“I thing we should go home kiddos.”

at home, lo explains everything

pat nods numbly and locks himself in his bedroom

logan comforts roman

at the ice cream, dee talks to virge and remus about the play until patton leave

“so do you know them?”

virge breaks down and admits everything

remus isn’t as much as a bastrad now

dee ods calmly and they eat ice cream in silence

they next day is saturday

virge stays in his room despite remus atempts to play 

remus also locks himself in his room

dee finds logan’s cell number in virgil’s backpack and calls him

surprisingly patton picks up

they talk for a while

they agree to keep the kids in the same school

“I miss you somethimes, dee.” a pause. “Your mistake.”

dee hangs up

he looks up to where virgil’s room is and sighs.

[florosasimpre]

Here We Go

TW: Assault

Yes, I graduated, but I delayed posting any type of photos at this point because I didn’t want to [insert some inspirational quote here] like I’ve done everything else. Truth is, College was entirely easy as hell. The academia aspect was nothing a little discipline couldn’t get me through. Now I had classes where I wanted my one with the professor, but other than that, being intelligent was never an issue in college. The one thing that made me want to quit, the one thing that made me want to leave was the background fillers. No one ever talks about college and the background filler. I got so many stories saying college was the best time of their life, classes were hard, etc. no one mentions the journey of mental rise and fall. So I won’t post these photos, with a temporary filled smile, due to the graduation high that finally came, but I’m going to spill the truth that we forget to disclose.

From the moment I got accepted into Clark Atlanta University, it was a test.

1. I arrived to the university believing I was on a military scholarship

2. After discovering I was not on scholarship l, I spent every day in the financial aid office for 2 weeks until they enrolled me financially

3. I lost my best friend because we realized we were too different and set in our ways to try to salvage anything

4. The military told me I was too fat for my height and to kill two birds with one stone - I should pursue my dream of being a Marine and switch to that option, “because they don’t care so much about your weight”

5. I was ill-advised by an instructor who didn’t want me in the ROTC program in the first place because I didn’t arrive on scholarship

6. I separated from a long-term boyfriend that been with me through many life changes and developments

7. I had changed my major after sophomore year and went through a whole identity crisis- I then selected Psychology to be my path

8. Through out ROTC I was exercising on a torn ACL, unbeknownst to me, but my injury was always minimized or made to see like I was lying

9. My weight in ROTC was the consortium common knowledge and often people would ask me, “ how is the weight loss going”

10. I was removed from the ROTC program by not reaching BMI weight goals. I was to be 140 pounds- I was 165 - y’all I ain’t been that since like middle school lol

11. To release steam from being kicked out of ROTC and having a huge sense of my belonging snatch from me, I drunk a few drinks, only to be sexually Assaulted by someone I called my friend 2018 Labor Day weekend

12. Someone else I use to call a friend facilitated a fantasy where my survivor story became about them and perpetuated lies and rumors because they had feelings for the boy who assaulted me

13. now my sexual assault story is the Unit Shame that they still talk about to this day because majority of the battalion remained friends or endorsed the boy who assaulted me

14. I had a toxic workplace environment because the boy who assaulted me and the friend that spread lies were working with me and the manager had knowledge of said information and did nothing to accommodate anyone

15. The manager of said workplace was unprofessional and had inappropriate relationships with student’s- particularly fraternization

16. While that was happening at Morehouse College, the lies from my assault reached my own institution and I had residents - I was a RA, call me a whore and slut because of the rumors from my assault

17. One of my fellow “RAs” gossiped with the residents and aided in the misinformation where I lived and let the residents do what they wanted- making it harder for my coworkers and I to enforce rules

18. Because of they free will the residents had received from said RA, when it was not reciprocated amongst all RAs i was threatened with notes slid under my door in my residence building, and my property was destroyed

19. With all the mental jabs, I stopped going to class and my mother was .2 seconds from withdrawing me from the institution because she could tell she was losing me

20. I started dating again, but with sexual trauma and “an idea of standards” from my last relationship- I was disappointed 6x over - some people just foul, smh

21. I lost friends that I thought had my back, but only talked behind it. Ive consoled others through attempted suicides, a shooting, losing parents, their personal battles with sexual assault and other struggles that come with being a RA and a student

22. My senior year, research developments, and a trip to EGYPT! Was cancelled due to covid 19

So what pulled me through? It was a moment my junior year and that moment forward that I decided I was going to finish my journey. One thing about being a psych major is: you gone talk about trauma. You gone talk about it a lot. In talking about it, I realized that I was NOT the only person going through these things. The fact that a lot of young black men and women were experiencing the same things were tragic, but we related to each other and with the help of the professors and each other, I began to heal.

Although healing is not linear and I still have a ways to go from coming to terms with what the past has done to my mental- I can say I am in a better place from where I was. I am here, graduated. Through God, a reliable support system, and my preservation was am I able to stand before you as an Alumna of CAU.

This is not a story to tell you to ignore your mental health like me, but please seek what you need to be able to pull yourself out. You are not alone, you are around people that make you feel alone.

So this isn’t a post to tell you:

-graduated with (x) different honors, employed, grad school bound, yada yada yada because you already knew that

This is a post to show you different kinds of merits that made me who I now. Had I went to The college selected for me had I stayed and commute from school and home, had I done what was safe and familiar, I wouldn’t have clipped my wings and grown.

With all the things I’ve experienced in a lifetime, this is to show you: anyone can get through college academically, but do they have the means or mental fortitude to be able to push through. I’ve went through adversity and I am prepared to withstand more.

I’ll leave you with this: “[insert whatever you are going through] and finish it with “and yet I smile”. Because despite what you going through you always have the option to smile about it and boss up For you won’t know my hand unless I show it to you, you won’t know my struggles unless I tell you and you won’t get to be joyous in my success, unless I invite you.

And that's on Mary had a lil lamb

[mayuuunaise]

fic: the price we pay (01/??)

a/n: u v u king of caste au bc i’m a sucker for angst and gang wars LOL i had to cut the first chapter in half bc it was getting too long though :’D 

fandom: b-project: koudou ambitious read on: ao3 | under the cut

When Tsubasa’s mother breaks the news of her discontinued scholarship to her, the first thing she thinks about is Nome-san and how he’ll be burdened with even more work from now on, having to balance the athletics club, some unknown after school extra-curricular that they don’t like talking about, and now secretarial work on top of it all. The next thing that registers in her head is that oh, wait, she won’t be leaving just the student council but Houou Academy itself, isn’t she?

“Tsubasa-chan?” Her mother calls out her name and snaps her from all the worry her head seems insistent on clogging her brain. The older Sumisora looks close to tears, weary and tired from working two jobs just to let them scrape by. “This, I—I’ll work something out, Tsubasa-chan, don’t worry. There’s only half the school year left, ri, right? We can scrape together enough to pay for half of the tuition fee — somehow — and, I could borrow money from your aunt, okay?”

Tsubasa looks in horror at her mother slowly but surely coming undone. The older woman collapses into a seating position on the kitchen chair, burying her face with shaking hands. Her mother hates her aunt, how could she even think about borrowing money from a woman who has practically disowned them after her father died?

“Mother—”

Her mother continues rambling, most likely hasn’t heard Tsubasa call out to her in such a meek voice. “I might need to get a third job… or, or you could work part time for your allowance— oh, I’m sorry, dear. You should be focusing on your studies, what am I thinking—”

“Mother.”

Her voice is firmer and Sumisora Miho finally looks up to face her daughter. There’s a sharp jolt in Tsubasa’s chest when she finally sees how disheveled her mother looks even though today is supposedly the only day of the week she should be resting. The dark circles under her eyes look like they’ve stained her skin permanently, her cheek bones more pronounced than they usually are. It isn’t supposed to be this hard on her mother, nor on her. Life shouldn’t be this unfair.

So Tsubasa sucks it up, as always, and gives her a watery smile that doesn’t quite reach her wine coloured eyes.

“Mother, it’s okay. We don’t have to stay.” She tells her and it’s a miracle that her voice stays even. “I understand, I can drop out of school for the year, or enroll in a public school nearby. It’ll be okay.”

Fresh tears well up in her mother’s eyes before she buries her face in her hands again, choking back sobs as her shoulders shake. Tsubasa gathers her in her arms and rubs soothing circles on her back. Apologies spill from her mother’s croaking throat and Tsubasa wishes it doesn’t have to be this way.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, god, Tsubasa-chan—it, it isn’t— you’re not supposed to— I’m so, so sorry.”

Budget cuts, they say. The academy will be building another wing for extracurriculars and the board of directors have decided to cut the budget for their scholarship program for underprivileged students with high potential, like her. They’ve decided that her scholarship has been terminated for the school year, but she’ll be able to continue if they pay for half of the tuition fee. They list down options for her payment, should she wish to continue in the academy, and will be accepting installments with set deadlines if needed be. Considering she’s in the special course, there is also the matter of her extra classes to discuss—

Tsubasa doesn’t read the letter any further than that, the entirety of it making her sick to her stomach.

Her mother continues to weep in her arms and Tsubasa hugs her tighter through the night.

—

Tsubasa supposes ripping out the metaphorical bandaid should be better than delaying the inevitable.

“What’s this?” But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

“My resignation letter, President.” The brunette tries her hardest not to let her voice crack. The way Kitakado stares at her — ice blue eyes unblinking, intense, right through her soul and completely ignoring the painstakingly handwritten piece of parchment in his hands — makes her waver. Tsubasa doesn’t wait for a response or a rebuttal, not from the student council president sitting calmly in a quiet cold, nor from his younger assistant standing by his side. Instead, she bows, deep and solemn at the waist, before asking to excuse herself and rushing out of the room she once called home.

—

Ryuuji asks her later on when he catches her hiding in one of the west wing’s stairwells, if she isn’t upset at all about it, if she doesn’t find it unfair for the school to suddenly just take away a gift they’ve already given. Tsubasa has grown numb with the topic, but the venom in Ryuuji’s pretty fuchsia eyes as he asks her, quietly, to be angry and to grow upset with how unfair her circumstances has come to be, leaves a stinging pain in her chest.

Instead she escapes with a response that doesn’t strictly answer his question, gives him a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes as she says, “I’ve been very lucky already, to be able to study here for as long as I have and meet all of you.”

The noncommittal hum that comes out of Ryuji’s mouth tell her it’s not the answer he has been looking for. He doesn’t say anything else, and leaves her cold and lonely with only the sound of receding footsteps stopping her from letting her tears fall.

—

Tsubasa breaks the news to Hikaru when she asks to walk with him all the way to his part time job that same afternoon, instead of just to the station as per usual. Hikaru is silent — for once — the entire time she talks, and Tsubasa thanks him for it with all her heart. She hasn’t been able to talk freely about it with anyone, knows that they won’t be able to understand as well as Hikaru would.

When Tsubasa is finally done, she sees an unfamiliar, angry expression crossing Hikaru’s handsome face.

“That’s messed up!” He exclaims, looking close to throwing the skateboard under his arm. “Can’t we tell them to stop the construction? The Prince is the student council president and the chairman’s nephew—!”

“I, I couldn’t ask Kitakado-san to do that. It’s already been decided.”

“Well— what if, what if I gave you my scholarship? Would they take it? It’s only a half, unlike yours, and you’d need to work part time but I—”

“Hikaru-kun, you know that’s not allowed.”

“But—“

“Your mother and your younger siblings are all counting on you.” Her frown wavers at the guilty look Hikaru gives her. Tsubasa’s expression softens and she sighs, letting out all the frustration with it. “And besides, I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

Hikaru looks unconvinced and they walk along the streets in silence until Hikaru asks her in the quietest voice Tsubasa has ever heard from him, “Do you know when you’re leaving?”

“This is my last week,” she admits in an equally quiet voice, hands fidgeting with the hem of her school blazer. Briefly, she wonders if she’ll need to return the uniform along with her school sanctioned text books by the end of this week. “I’ve handed my resignation letter to Kitakado-san earlier as well. I’ll be telling Nome-san in person soon, please don’t say anything to him yet.”

“Ah… that means Tatsu will have to do actual student council work. I wonder if he can handle it all.”

Tsubasa lets out an unexpected laugh at his words. “Nome-san is very capable, he just doesn’t have time for it.”

“Whaaaat? Tatsu would totally be all frustrated and stuff with all the note takings and the meetings! You know that’s why we had to get you, right?” Hikaru pouts.

“Among other things,” Tsubasa hums with a small upward twitch of her lips. She’s grateful for Hikaru, even if she initially had zero interest in serving with the student council. She’s grown to become attached to the boys she’s been working with and her days always seemed more colourful alongside them. Tsubasa feels a little close to crying at the memories flashing through her head; she clears her throat instead and squares her shoulders like the way Nome would always remind her when she seems to be retreating in herself.

“But I know Nome-san will be fine; I’m certain.” Tsubasa looks up and gives him what she hopes is a reassuring smile. Hikaru’s pout gets bigger, his frown deepening and marring his handsome face. She wants to tease him, just a little. “You know I’m more worried about you, Hikaru-kun. I know they’ll be able to take care of you, but you…” she swallows. “You’re always running headlong towards somewhere I can’t reach.”

There’s a pause in their banter, as if Hikaru isn’t quite sure if he should continue where they’re going. When she glances over his way, his expression tells her that he’s still trying to find the right combination of words to say. He looks the same as he always does whenever he’s close to telling her something that she knows he shouldn’t. Hikaru takes a deep breath, “Tsubasa-chan, I—”

“Hikaru-kun,” she interrupts before he can say anymore. Hikaru looks a little guilty, catching himself. “It’s okay. I’ll understand why eventually.”

Hikaru looks down. If Tsubasa looks hard enough, she can see his shoulders are starting to shake. “I wish you didn’t have to go…”

Tsubasa stops in her tracks, chokes back a few tears before whispering, “Me too.”

—

“It really is quite a shame. Are you sure there’s nothing more we can do to persuade you to stay, Sumisora-kun? You’ve been a wonderful student.” Daikoku-sensei definitely means well, she’s sure of it, but she can’t help the gloomy thoughts from appearing in her head. If the school is so set on keeping their students, why cut the budget for scholarships?

“I’m sorry,” it’s the only thing Tsubasa can reply to that. She hands over the collected notebooks with a polite smile. “Thank you for teaching me and guiding me all this time, Daikoku-sensei.”

The older man gives her a soft, gentle smile. “It has been a pleasure teaching you, Sumisora-kun. It’ll be hard to adjust in the middle of the school year, but a student as bright as you can only go forward. Where do you go from here?”

“The nearest high school from my house would be Shishidou High School.” It’s only a few minutes walk from their rented apartment, which means she’ll be cutting on transportation expenses. Tsubasa wonders, very briefly, if she should be taking the time to ask Hikaru for skateboard lessons to also cut back on travel time before dismissing the thought entirely and deciding it’s already far too ridiculous for her to consider. “My mother has already informed their principal of the transfer and we’re glad they were willing to accept on such short notice.”

Daikoku-sensei doesn’t appear too thrilled at the information, his mouth forming a thin line and twitching downward ever so slightly. He crosses his arms over his chest, giving her a somewhat incredulous look from his seat. “Are you sure about that? There must be other schools in the area that are a better choice for you, academically speaking.”

Tsubasa has thought about it, she isn’t going to lie. But she’s also planning on taking up a part time job now that her extracurriculars have been freed up to at least lessen her mother’s financial load the slightest bit. Entering a lower level school where she doesn’t need to spend the waking hours of the morning to study as hard would be better for her in the long run, especially when she’s seen Hikaru sleep like the dead after double pay graveyard shifts when he used to work in a convenience store.

Honestly, she’s also a little embarrassed to tell the truth and remains silent, politely smiling at her (soon to be former) homeroom teacher. Daikoku probably knows this as well because he sighs and massages the back of his neck with a little shrug. “Well, it’s your choice. But, actually…” the blonde drifts off before smiling to himself, seemingly amused by whatever he’s thought of now. “My younger brother works there. If you ever meet him, send him my regards, would you?”

Tsubasa smiles back and gives him an affirmative before she excuses herself. As soon as she steps out of the faculty room however, she almost collides with a taller figure and squeaks out from instinct.

Long fingers wrap around her forearms to keep her from falling, and she looks up to find a set of familiar heterochromatic eyes staring at her in worry. She gasps in surprise, stepping back and out of Momotarou’s reach.

“Momo-kun, how long have you been standing there? I’m sorry, I should have been watching where I was going—”

“Is it true, Tsubasa-san?” The red head’s voice is level and cool, but Tsubasa has always feared the calm before the raging storm. “You’re going to Shishidou, of all places?” Involuntarily, she swallows nervously, wine coloured eyes darting around in order to find a way out. It isn’t as if she’s keeping it a secret, not from the student council anyway. Add to the fact that Momo is also her classmate, she would never stand a chance at hiding it from him.

“Momo-kun, I—”

“It’s dangerous, there, and you know it.” The way he says it sounds like there’s no room for argument. There’s an uncharacteristic layer of simmering anger underneath his cold gaze. Tsubasa understands his irritation, or at the very least she tries to. She’s heard of the rumours; of how it’s a school for drop outs and delinquents in westside Shibuya. That it’s a miracle the school is still standing at all considering how many crimes have been linked to both students and teachers alike, though never really proven. There have been talks, especially, about a gang of high school students threatening to take Shibuya for itself.

But what choice does she have?

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine, Momo-kun,” she figures her smile is unconvincing because Momotarou continues looking extremely disappointed at her. She almost withers at his expression, but attempts to sound firm. “Nothing bad is going to happen, I’ll just go to school and go home and be extra careful if you want me to.” The red haired young man hesitates the slightest bit and Tsubasa uses the opportunity to side step out of his direct contact. She smiles and bows politely, “If you’ll excuse me, I still need to get to class.”

[bregjetokorea]

4. Final Preparations

Visa Application

January 13th, 2020

Bo-Jenna and I went to the Korean embassy in The Hague today, to apply for the D2-6 visa; a super tiring experience but that’s mostly due to NS and our stupid selves. I wonder if we can actually manage to survive in Seoul, we are such a great duo. Anyways, we left really early in the morning (still dark outside) and we eventually arrived at the embassy at 14:30!!! It was suuuuper busy. Mainly fellow students who were there for the same purpose. We had to wait really long. The consulate building was a tiny shoebox, Korean news was playing on the telly and a big picture of President Moon Jae-In was being displayed on the wall. The waiting wasn’t bad at all as we met a couple of girls traveling to Seoul as well. All of them are going to different universities. Hanyang, Sunkyunkwan, Dankook, Konkuk. No surprise, because our home uni is the only Dutch school that Myongji partners with.

Bo-Jenna and I both were stressed out the entire way to the consulate because we “might have forgotten to bring something”. Everything was fine, though. Imagine what it’s gonna be like when we’re actually packing our suitcases.

Anyways, some practical info; documents we needed to bring were:

The acceptance packet issued by Myongji;

Filled-in visa application form + passport picture;

Passport + copy;

Home university enrollment (< 3 months issuance);

Proof of financial stability (enough to cover personal funds on the certificate of admission).

They told us to come back January 21st (in 8 days).

Flight = booked

January 18th, 2020

Bo-Jenna and I booked our flights today. Actually, I think we should have done this earlier, and I would definitely advise you to buy your tickets much earlier than we did. But honestly, we were recommended to buy our tickets after the university acceptance and visa application. We don’t have our visa yet, but tickets were getting more and more expensive really fast (especially if you keep track of it via skyscanner alerts) and seats are running out (only 3 left on our flight waaaa). If we booked flexible tickets much earlier we would probably have saved a lot of money. Anyways, we did buy return tickets with limited flexibility to save money, especially because we are going home in the summer season so one-way tickets would SO expensive. We added 1.5 weeks of leisure time (lol) after our classes are over to leave some room for traveling if we won’t be able to do so during the semester. We are arriving on February 26th with one transfer in Helsinki. There is no way back anymore now.

Sum minor preps

January 20th, 2020

I got back my signed learning agreement from Myongji today, but courses are still subject to change, so I won’t share my courses yet until they are definitive. I also applied for a grant for public transportation as I won’t be using my public transportation card in the Netherlands. And I’m assuming I probably will be using my T-Money card (티머니카드) extensively so the extra money is very much welcomed. Yes. Planning on getting a card with a cute Kakao character design. Or maybe print a custom one at Hongdae station. I’m so excited for that lmao. Next to that, my dad and I contacted our assurance brokerage asking for a tender for the new insurances I need (travel, third party liability etc.).

Visa pick-up

January 24th, 2020

Today Bo-Jenna and I went to Scheveningen again to pick up our visa. This time everything went pretty effortlessly and we were only inside for like 5 minutes. On our way to the Hague, Bo-Jenna gave me a cute ass gift: a bullet journal to document our Korea journey, with a cute ass note on the first page!! She got herself one as well, so cute. It’s funny too because in my first post on here I wrote that I will just keep this blog without having something physical to document in, but now that she got me a notebook I am suddenly motivated to write in it and especially to document together!! I feel like it’s less of a ‘must’ thing to do now that I am keeping this blog, and I think I am going to use to journal she gave me more as a personal thoughts / scrapbooky thingy. We’ll see. I’m going to put it to good use.

After we were done at the embassy, Bo-Jenna and I went to Scheveningen beach and had a drink. Right after, my sister joined us and we went for Korean Barbecue in the city. It was a first time for me. And it was good. Only it wasn’t that good when I came home, because I :) threw :) up :) a :) lot :). A LOT. Sorry if it’s a bit TMI but honestly I’m glad I found this out while still at home. I’m pretty sure it was the seafood. I now know what type of foods to avoid in Seoul.

Finances and epidemics

January 25th, 2020

Today I got some practical things done. First, I ordered an insurance packet which includes insurance for a longer stay abroad: travel, emergencies, health care, liability etc. Then, and I found this out by chance, I ordered a new debit card because mine expires in June. Normally in the Netherlands, you get a new card sent to your home, but I will be away when it expires so I’m glad I found out about this now. Then, I ordered a credit card. Which a friend of mine told me is necessary to have. To at least have a MasterCard available in case I won’t be able to pay with my regular card. And it’s good to have sorted this out early on as well because it’s hard to get one if you’re a student with limited incomes.

And the last, but really important and somewhat scary thing: the new coronavirus stemming from Wuhan, China. It’s some scary shit because it’s a new strain corona that has not been previously identified in humans and it’s spreading SO fast according to the WHO. I’m not sure to what extent I should worry about it. I’m trying to do some readings about it and see if there’s any measures I should take in terms of safety. I do know that many of the incoming exchange students are actually from China, so I am wondering how this might affect our program.

Corona virus: a pain in the ass?

January 29th, 2020

Just now, we received an alarming email regarding the recent outbreak of the new coronavirus. Myongji officials are monitoring it closely as the health and safety of their students (obviously) is their first priority. They told us to book flights which do not include transit in and out of mainland China, Hong Kong, Taiwan and Macau. So, about this, we don’t have to worry (but unfortunately, many others in the exchange program do).

BUT. What is stressing me out is, they also told us that, as more is being learned about the virus every day, we MAY be faced with a situation where they have to cancel the entire study abroad program for us. Of course, I do understand this as it is a global epidemic to which they should respond seriously, but it doesn’t alter the fact that this is the most stressful situation for me as we are supposed to leave in less than a month. We have done so much preparations... pls.... And the thing is, there are hardly any options for us left if we won’t be able to go anymore. I can’t transfer to a different foreign university anymore because most programs have started or will start soon. Also, by the time we hear from Myongji the programs in the Netherlands have started as well. I’ll really have to check with my university and insurance company as soon as possible.

Kpop took me

January 30th, 2020

No it’s not that dramatic (yet). What happened is, my credit card came in today and I got so excited I entered the raffle for BTS MAP OF THE SOUL TOUR in Seoul. I had to buy a frickkking army memership kit for it so I better got those tixxx. I also heard today BTS is coming to Rotterdam in July right after we come back, so that’s my backup plan. But going in Seoul is so much more fun and a unique experience. The only bummer is that you can only enter the raffle for just yourself and yourself only, so if Bo-Jenna wants to go we won’t be going together, as we can’t choose seats and not even the date. If anyone’s interested, my raffle choices are:

April 11th (Sat.) P seat 18:30 (KST)

April 18th (Sat.) P seat 18:30 (KST)

April 11th (Sat.) R seat 18:30 (KST)

Watch me winning tickets but not being able to go because of corona.

Preparing for a Plan B

January 31th, 2020

I checked with my insurance brokerage about a possible cancellation insurance and they will get back to me asap. What I found out is that the travel insurance I got covers cancellation when travel advise changes, so I’m not sure if that includes when it’s just my university that decides whether it is not safe to travel. So annoying. Furthermore, I was on the phone with at least 3 people from my university department about a plan B. Bo-Jenna has been busy with it as well, so my home uni already knew about the problem we’re facing. Anyways, apparently, my Year 3 coordinator told me she can enrol me in an ‘acceleration program’ as an alternative minor. I’m not entirely sure what it entails, but what I do know is that this is a minor in the Netherlands that would still allow me to travel abroad for a couple of weeks, so I would still be able to get that ‘abroad experience’, just not the one I want. But honestly, I don’t want to think about this option at all. I just want to go to Korea :( But my hopes haven’t faded. Myongji asked us to send them our flight information, so that means they are still really concerned with all the planning.

Radio Silence

February 3rd, 2020

I’m getting so nervous honestly. I have been talking with so many people going to do exchange programs at different unis in Seoul and, from what I heard; Yonsei is cancelling orientation and field trips, SNU is cancelling orientation, Sogang even pushes back their academic schedules. Korean gov apparently advises schools to not organize any large group events. No university has made a final decision on whether to cancel the entire program yet, but at least they are quite transparent about it. Myongji isn’t. It’s freaking me out. We are supposed to leave in 3 weeks!!

Certificate of Admission

February 4th, 2020

I received an email that our certificates of admission had finally arrived at our faculty’s office and that we could come and pick them up. So I decided to go to my home university really early in the morning. I honestly took so long for them to arrive, I don’t really understand why because Myongji said they would ship them using the fastest shipping method possible. The documents really were the same as the copies they send us, plus they included some practical information on dates and regulations. At school I met with my international officer and she told me that Myongji isn’t sending her emails and information regarding this situation at all. She asked me to keep her updated. It’s super weird.

Self-Quarantine

February 6th, 2020

Brace yourselves for a lot of shitty news. First of all, I wasn’t selected as a winner for the BTS concert raffle. So sad. Then the more shitty news; we got informed that Myongji will continue the exchange program. However, for everyone’s safety, they want us to sign an agreement with a coronavirus prevention guideline, and if we don't agree, they are not able to accept our admission. The agreement basically says we have to SELF-QUARANTINE for a period of 14 days. Those who applied for on-campus dorms must be able to prove that, at the time of our move-in, a minimum of 14 days has elapsed since our arrival in Korea. Also, only those who can prove that the minimum 14 days have elapsed since their arrival in Korea can take classes. We have to visit a local district office to be issued an official travel history document to prove such.

So, what this means for us is that we must isolate ourselves for 14 days since the date of our arrival in Korea, and minimize going out of our alternative place of residence (that we still have to find). 

So what we did is, Bo-Jenna and I immediately contacted our home university. I have been busy with it all day. At last, I spoke to my Year 3 coordinator on the phone and she is trying to get Myongji to be a little more lenient towards us non-risk students. There are literally zero cases in the Netherlands so far.

At the doctor’s AGAIN

February 10th, 2020

Yes. Again. But this time to get a health statement. My Year 3 coordinator asked me to get one so that they can send it as proof to Myongji to show to we show no signs over fever or coughing or whatever the symptoms of the novel corona virus may be. Even my doc thinks it’s all a bit dramatic, but we gotta do what we gotta do. He also told me he ordered face masks because the are running out EVERYWHERE, so I can go pick them up right before I leave.

Also, today I created a group chat with Bo-Jenna and the two other girls from the Netherlands who also need to look for a place to stay during those 14 days. We decide to get an Airbnb together to cut down the costs. Because my home university told me that they are not being able to give us any financial support.

Different starting date

February 12th, 2020

So I just saw, totally by chance, that Myongji is pushing back their starting date by two weeks. I already assumed this would be happening as literally all the universities in Seoul do this. But it’s so weird, because I find out while casually browsing instagram and saw a post about it only written in Korean. There are no statements in English about it and we didn’t hear anything (yet) from the international officer at Myongji. I’m guessing they will inform us, but it’s so weeeeird. I’m honestly fine with it as it means that we won’t be missing classes during our quarantine period, but I’m REALLY hoping they aren’t pushing back the ending date as well. That either means we won’t have any time left to explore the city right before we leave or we even might have to change our flights. Please pray with me.

Quarantine in Hongdae

February 14th, 2020

Today we booked our Airbnb. We found some decent place in the middle of Hongdae, super close to Hongik Univ station. Myongji recommended us to stay in either Hongdae or Sinchon, which I think is a bit weird because these areas are the most crowded areas of Seoul. But we were looking at places in Hongdae regardless as this is the student hot-spot of Seoul and really easy to travel from/to. Our place is a space with 2 bedrooms, a common room and a bathroom. It will do for those 2 weeks. Also, the host seems really nice. I’m guessing Myongji will send someone to check on us a couple of times during those 2 weeks. That’s probably why they recommended Hongdae and Sinchon to us, it’s quite close. But it sucks balls. We are not allowed to go out, only for getting absolute necessities. It’s so sad because we are in Hongdae, there’s so much to do. I guess it will be 14 days full of watching Netflix and playing Stardew Valley.

New game new name

February 15th, 2020

So, this is something I have been thinking of for quite some time now. My name, Bregje, really won’t do in Korea. It’s just unpronounceable. Quite some time ago, my Korean friend Jiwon really encouraged me to get a Korean name. I always thought it was considered not done or weird as hell for foreigners to do that and it might be really, I don’t trust him sometimes (만약 오빠 이 글을 읽고, 미안해 ㅋㅋㅋ). I even used to think my name somehow works when I transcribe it to sound somewhat the same, but I guess it doesn’t. Anyways, we discussed it some more and he suggested I go for 나현 (na-hyun) but I think that just doesn’t sound…. right. 현정 (hyun-jung) was another option but ???? feels too Kboo if I do that so I figured I have to just go by an easy international name. I took it super seriously. Yesterday I did some consulting on Reddit and decided the name ‘Becky’ (베키) works best and meets all my personal criteria. I am still debating whether I am actually going to introduce myself like this, as it feels super odd for me to do that, but it will definitely cause less confusion and frustration on my part.

Saying goodbye

February 22nd

I feel totally weirded out for some reason. The past few days I have been so stressed out. Maybe because I only finished my internship yesterday. But honestly, this corona thing is spreading like wildfire and it's scaring the shit out of me especially since a weird ass cult has been involved including a so called super spreader. Luckily, the infected area is mostly around Daegu so our program hasn't been cancelled (but the Yeungnam program has, I'm so sorry guys). I am not scared of the virus but about a sudden cancellation of the semester AFTER our arrival. But I should stop stressing.

But in better news, today I had my "goodbye party". Most of my friends were there and we had a chill afternoon of talking and they got me cute gifts and I feel so sad for leaving them. Thank you guys if you're reading this!! <3

Packing my bags

February 24th

Honestly I think packing my bags wasn't that stressful (my mom might think differently). Everything barely fit in my checked bag and my carry on exceeds the weight limit but let's just pray they aren't actually weighing our bags.

I'm so excited to go but also I feel a bit divided because we can't undertake any activity for the next two weeks. I'm sure me and the girls will have a great time regardless but this is not how I was picturing my study abroad to start off. Tomorrow I have to wake up early (5am) to go to Amsterdam airport!!

[hwz1bwxf-blog]

Do I qualify for federal health insurance?

Do I qualify for federal health insurance?

My parents don t get insurance through their jobs, and they can t afford private insurance. My parents and I are currently enrolled in an assistance program through our local hospital. I go to a private university that requires for students to have some type of health insurance. If the student doesn t have health insurance, the school charges the student $1,000 for the school insurance. Since I am 19 years old, I no longer qualify for CHIPS, which I ve had all my life. I am a full time student, I am a U.S. citizen, I am in Texas, my parents are low income, I don t have proof of a job (I m a nanny and get paid in cash). Online resources are confusing. But is there any federal insurance program that I may be eligible for?

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insuranceforcheap.info

SOURCES:

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[steamishot]

Freedom, temporarily

Last Friday was my last day as an AAIII in the Division of Neonatology with my favorite person, K. My whole experience there just seems so strange to me now. I remember dreading going to work each day, feeling anxious at work whenever my boss was around, and just being mentally exhausted. My life revolved around her. I let it consume me during work, after work, on the weekends, during my vacations. Whenever my coworkers and I hung out outside of work, SHE was my favorite thing to talk about. It’s like I’m finally regaining my life back. 

Abuse is a tricky thing because sometimes you can make yourself believe you deserved it or that you were in the wrong. During my time there, I knew there were things she did that were wrong. But I also questioned myself, am I being too sensitive? Is this just human nature and something I have to not take too seriously and personally? There were things that were wrong, and also things that I CHOSE not to put up with. After I put in my leave, I informed my parents. Immediately, my mom was worried about my future. Here I was, giving up a good stable job in her eyes. She accused me of not working hard enough and just “fooling around”. She urged me to keep putting up with my boss, and that it’ll be the same everywhere I go. That I have to learn how to deal with difficult people. My dad told me there was something wrong with my personality and to think about what I did wrong. Although my case was very mild compared to other cases of abuse, I kinda understand how horrible victim blaming feels. Though, I do not want to consider myself a victim, more so a target. 

Anyway, also on my last day of work, I spoke to the HR director. I’ve known him since I started and went to him a few times throughout my employment. 

1. My 3rd interview for my AAIII position. 

2. Explaining my boss’s unprofessional behavior.

3. Asking for a transfer.

4. After I put in my leave, I bumped into him and he called me in to chat. We talked about my recent experiences and why I’m deciding to leave. I also shed a tear (LOL).

5. My last day of work - he offered me a temporary job.

I was weary. What if it’ll be the same? I made an analogy- it’s like getting out of a bad relationship with someone and then jumping into a relationship with that person’s cousin. I was held back by the fact that I’ll be working in the same department and by the possibility of running into my boss and people I knew. I mean, I had already started saying my farewells and unconvincingly explained that I was going back to school. When people asked, what are you going back to school for? I said... computer related stuff..... When they asked when did the classes start.... I had to be like... uhmm it’s online and I can go at my own pace. 

I took my coworker’s advice to take the job. Yes, I quit without a clear plan. I quit without knowing what I’d be doing. If I put the fear of awkwardness aside, I personally leaned towards accepting the job. How great is that? I didn’t have to look and a new job landed at my feet. And one in HR. I would be reporting to the HR director. He seems to be chill and my new team seem to be good too- all I’m asking is for is to be working with normal/emotionally unstable people. My “older sis” (supervisor’s supervisor) who has been like a mentor to me, advised me to take the job too. She’s worried for me financially. I said why not, it’s nice to have a flow of income.

My last day was nice. Boss brought bagels and donuts. Two people brought me gifts. People said some nice things. I taught my boss how to do some of my tasks, and by the end of the day she looked worried due to the workload she will have to take over. She genuinely thanked me for the stuff I did (first time I really felt she was genuine). 

Today is the Thursday of my first week away from work. I felt I was productive. Returned my beloved foster kittens. They both gained a little over a pound in two weeks. Applied and took an assessment the UX Bootcamp at UCLA Extension. Did an interview two days after. Received notice that I passed. Put down a deposit and am currently enrolled in the class. Went to General Assembly’s info session to check out the space and learn more about the program. I almost talked myself out of going due to shyness/lack of confidence, but I’m glad I went. Ate a yummy udon lunch by myself. Bought tickets to Japan for my mom and I for next Tuesday. Booked 4 different Airbnbs for our stay and currently working on the itinerary. Paid for a $10 Udemy class on UX so I can have something to study in the meantime. 

Woot woot, life is good.

[survevs]

18.

1. What’s your first name? Karina.

2. How old are you? 18.

3. Where do you live? Brazil 🇧🇷

4. How tall are you? 165cm.

5. What colour is your hair? Brown.

6. Do you have any siblings? If so are they younger or older than you? I have a little brother who's 2 years younger than me.

7. What time is it for you right now? 1:18am.

8. Can you dance? People usually compliment me on my dancing skills, but I think I'm just okay, nothing impressive lol

9. Do you have any pets? What are their names and species? No, but I wish I did 😢

10. What is your eye colour? Hazel.

11. Are you in a relationship? Nope.

12. Have you ever been in a relationship? Kind of... we were kind of together for like 8 months but we never labelled each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, but we did everything normal couples do.

13. What is your sexuality? Straight.

14. What is your type? I don't think I really have a type, because all of the guys I was attracted to were the opposite of what I described as my ideal type, so... But shy/quiet guys are my weakness.

15. Have you had your first kiss? Yes.

16. Have you had a sexual experience with same gender? I don't feel comfortable talking about my sexual life online, sorry 😕

17. Have you had a sexual experience with someone of a different gender? ...

18. What is your ideal date? Just something simple like a walk around the city, or just staying home and eat dinner together. I guess what matters to me is being able to have a nice conversation with the person I'm with. When you love someone only talking is never boring.

19. Are you a romantic? Not really.

20. Who is your celebrity crush? Shawn Mendes and Dean. Damn.

21. Do you like to draw? I LOVE drawing. I've been drawing since I was 9 months old hahaha

22. Are you a good singer? That's what people say, but I don't really think I'm that great. I wish I could take some singing lessons to improve my vocal skills but they're too expensive 😔

23. What was your best subject at school? I really enjoyed Geopolitics, History and Arts History.

24. Do you enjoy physical activity? Yes, but I have to admit I wish I was more active.

25. Have you ever done a marathon? No.

26. What is your favourite physical activity? Walking and biking. But I don't have a bike anymore, so I only walk.

27. Have you ever traveled over seas? Never 😭

28. What would you consider your best skill? The only thing I actually think I'm good at is drawing.

29. Favourite childhood movie? Ahhh, so many... but I think I'd have to say The Lady and The Tramp or The Lion King.

30. What is your best quality? I always try to side the good side of things/people. And I'm very persistent too.

31. What is your biggest fandom? I'm not really part of any fandom now...

32. What fandoms are you apart of? Again, not really part of any fandom at the moment. I admire many artists and TV shows but I wouldn't consider myself part of any fandom.

33. What is your favourite head cannon about anything? What is a head cannon?

34. Who is your all time favourite book character? I think Marie-Laure from Anthony Doerr's All The Light That We Cannot See.

35. Do you read smutty or fluffy fanfiction? (or fanfiction at all?) I guess the last time I read a fanfiction was like 5 years ago.

36. What is your favourite book? It's hard for me to choose only one book. But I love George Orwell's 1984, Caio Fernando Abreu's Mouldy Strawberries and Doerr's All The Light That We Cannot See. I'm loving Hermann Hesse's Demian as well.

37. Why did you choose that particular url? Because this is a sideblog dedicated to answering surveys because I have nothing else to do ����

38. Do you play video games? What is your favourite? Sometimes. I used to play a lot more often in high school, but now I'm just too busy all the time. I really liked to play Call Of Duty and Uncharted (I finished all the 4 games in less than a week lol).

39. What is your all time least favourite fan theory or head cannon about anything? ...

40. Star Wars or Star Trek? Star Wars (I've never watched Star Trek, believe it or not).

41. What is your saddest experience? Passing the entrance exam for my dream college after 3 years of studies and not being able to enroll because I couldn't pay for it. It was the worst feeling ever. But I ended up being accepted for the scholarship program 🙏

42. If you could apologise to anyone at all right now, who would you choose and why? To a friend: I'm sorry for not realizing how much you were suffering and not being able to help you earlier. They've had depression for many years and I didn't know that because we weren't very close until a while ago. If I only knew she was feeling that way before, I could've approached her and prevented her from doing bad things to herself.

43. What makes you fizz up (get angry)? People who take their anger and frustration out on others who have nothing to do with their problems (like a waitress or a taxi driver).

44. Have you ever been in a fist fight? No.

45. What is something you would change about yourself and why? I wish I could stop overthinking.

46. Describe the last dream/nightmare you remember having? I can't really remember the last one I had.

47. What are you like offline? The same as I am online I guess...

48. What is your biggest secret? If I told you then it wouldn't be a crime, would it?

49. Have you ever committed a crime? Yes, but nothing major or that had an impact on someone else's safety/privacy/life.

50. What is your most controversial belief? I prefer not to talk about polemic stuff on the internet hahah. My major is strongly related to politics, sociology, history and culture in general, so many of the things I say might not be accepted by certain people.

[letlhogonolotakesuclalaw]

Away, but living in home

For my grandmother who raised 5 children on a domestic salary

For my mother who raised me with money from her tuckshop and shebeen

For my aunt who raised me and her children on a nurse salary

For the womxn in my family, who raised communities on nothing

For the womxn in my family.

For the womxn in my life.

Your magic is enough to keep me going. 

 -       Letlhogonolo Mokgoroane

   It has already been month in AMERICA. Can you believe it? I can’t. Wait, I think I can. I have so many mixed feelings about this whole experience. A lot has happened in this month. I have moved into my place, I started classes, I have partied and I am meeting Black people and having some SOUL FOOD. But things haven’t also been so easy and filled with sunshine.  My time in LA has forcefully allowed me the opportunity and the space to do a lot of reflection, and this isn’t always great. You know why? I spend a lot of time in my head and the things that I come up with scare the living day lights out of me. And I am not even been dramatic, just real.

My time is LA has been largely a good experience – I haven’t cried as often as I thought I would and sometimes the crying was cathartic.  I really miss the familiarity of home. It sounds crazy but try coming to another country, where you don’t really understand the value of money and you can really use the exchange rate to determine the value of the dollar, where the products are unfamiliar to you and you spend most of your time in the stores trying to figure out whether this is a good brand for a reasonable price? I have no idea hey. I still don’t. Hopefully, in a few months, I will be an expert at determining the value of money in this country.  But you know what it’s not all bad. I have made friends here.  We went to Walmart, the other day, and it was amazing. Three floors of amazingly cheap things, lol, everything is cheaper here. Praise the Lord with me! Oooh, Glory Hallelujah!

I have also experienced immerse loneliness here and it is not the lack of people. I think it comes with moving to a different country and feeling like an outsider, in the literal sense of the word. I’ve got people saying: “ You’ve got a cute accent” and such a beautiful name, even though they don’t know what my name means.  Last week was an incredibly difficult week for me. I felt inadequate and all the adjectives that can describe the feeling of unworthiness. I am not too certain where all these feelings come from and its sucks, but I am feeling better today and that counts for something, right?  Why am I feeling better? Perhaps it is because it is getting easier, it’s really not. I’ve tapped into my support structure, my tribe. I have had a few conversations and crying session with my friends. I have asked them questions like: What am I doing here? Why did I think I could do this? Who am I to think that I am capable of doing this? And other depressing questions. But I received no answer. I am the only one who can answer these questions. It really sucks. Growing up is not as fun as I thought it would be, to be honest. However, I am glad that I have people who have allowed me the space to feel. I think that sometimes when people are doing what others may consider amazing things, a lot is expected from these people – a common expectation is that these people must always live their best life, because you know it is such a great opportunity, you have no space or time to feel anything that is akin to sadness. You can’t be. I want to tell you that this a huge lie. A fallacy really. While I am very grateful for this amazing opportunity. I am also mindful of the fact that I’ve left the country of my birth – where I’ve lived for all my life – to take up temporary residence in another country. Another continent really. This move and transition is hardly easy, it will be filled with moments of sadness, homesickness and loneliness. So, if you are reading this and you’ve felt that you aren’t allowed to feel sad because it may come across as ungrateful. I would like you to remind this: you are a humxn being who is allowed to feel the full spectrum of feelings, but don’t let them consume you. I know it is easier said than done.  Last week, I found myself having to will myself out of bed because I wasn’t feeling deserving enough to be here. This is always hard for me, feeling deserving of things.  It is hard to accept words that affirm me and remind me that I have worked hard to be here. I have been so familiar with rejection, self-loathing and other horrors – that those things have become my truth. But I am learning to speaking a new language – a language that says I am deserving, capable and worthy.  I need to repeat these to myself every now and then until it is not only head knowledge but it becomes truth that permeates into my heart. Okay, enough about all these somber talk. All I want to say is allow yourself to feel but don’t let it rob you of your joy, too many things do that already.

I started classes two weeks ago. It has been glorious. The courses that I am taking this fall include (1) Critical Race Theory taught by Professor Cheryl Harris (a slaying Kween). She is absolutely amazing. I must admit that I may be a little obsessed with her. Her mind is incredible. Not that I am trying to justify my obsession but I think it comes from never being taught by a Black womxn before.   And this Black womxn is a serving intellectual Kween.  In 1993, she wrote a journal article entitled: Whiteness as Property, which is still be quoted today. Just last week, she was used as a reference in an article in the New York Times.  My other courses are (2) Race Conscious Remedies (She teaches this as well. Ya’ll need to praise the Lord for me!), (3) Human Rights and Sexual Politics and (3) Problem Solving in the Public Interest.

(First day with Prof Cheryl Harris, I promise to take a Seflie with her soon)

While I am talking about Black womxn, I have found myself an amazing cohort of slaying and serving Kweens, who are enrolled in the J.D Program (American law degree).  These womxn have given me such life. There are all from different parts of the country. It has been amazing to connect and get to know them. They are smart, funny, beautiful and vibrant.  

 I have also joined Black Law Student Association (BLSA). It has been an interesting learning experience. Blackness in America and South Africa are very different.  But one thing, I have learnt from hanging out in this circle and connecting with my people (yes, my people. You heard me right, lol) is that black love – in any context – is political, radical, and necessary. In some ways, it can also be freeing.  I am excited to learn more from the people who make up this association.

Some of my highlights include going to Inglewood (a predominately Black neighbourhood) and seeing black people in their numbers.  We went to Sweet pies – a famous restaurant that sells Southern Food aka “SOUL FOOD”. The food was great – it reminded me of home.  I think for my survival I will need to go there once a month, to connect, try every dish and enjoy blackness in its fullness. I am yet to go and find the apartment block that Issa lives in in INSECURE, don’t worry, I will take pictures -  you know how extra I am.   Hopefully soon I will be writing about all the celebrities that I have seen, but for now we live in home.

[ranumba]

A Note to Myself

This is my first post after my graduation post in last year, so people might want an update from me about what i’ve been doing after i was titled as bachelor of agriculture. Let’s count and it’s almost a year since that moment and guess what i feel now? I’m stuck. Yes, so far that is how i feel right now.

Let me break down what are the things I’ve been doing after my graduation on November,I joined an IELTS preparation class for a full month, followed by the real IELTS test and praise to the Lord i obtained a good score, match with my target score, and it means i don’t need to retake that bloody expensive test. Remember how i want to continue my post graduate study abroad, yes this year i dedicate myself for preparing my master study. How about the LoA, oh my God this is the thing that i’m so grateful of. Alhamdulillah about 2 months after taking the ielts test, i am accepted in my dream campus “Wageningen University & Research” in the Netherlands for February 2018 enrollment class. The reason why i take this class is because i aim for a scholarship from Ministry of Finance that can only grant the scholarship for 2018, not this year. Well yeah...it’s ok. It is exclude the experience that I was chosen as one of 12 selected applicants for Ajinomoto scholarship to Japan, I joined the selection in April and it was such a good experience to meet new motivated people and sssstttt i earned stipend from the company although i wasn’t selected for the next step. Another precious experience.

So what I have been doing for fill the gap as an unemployed person? I was at the moment where I don’t want to take a job as a full time employee because i’m still focus in aiming my scholarship, i seek for an internship or volunteering program but i didn’t get anything suitable. I thought i should try to apply at least one job, and i asked for an opportunity to my lecturer. Not a job vacancy I got, instead she offered me to work for her as a lecturer assistant (which i already did in the last months of 2016 before graduation ceremony)  and as her personal assistant that will help her with the research projects she got. Oh wow, what an unexpected, and to think that i should go back to campus for working and small chance for me to meet new people quite made me doubt. However, after a sharing with my parents, they told me to take the offer since they also apprehensive if i want to take a full time job while i still want to apply for my master study, they said i need to focus and this job can fill the gap to make my days more productive at least. So yeah.....here I am, still doing this job since last March. I didn’t accept a high pay from this job, but it is enough for me to not asking my parents for daily allowance. This is something that i should feel grateful about, while others might find it difficult to get a job.

Other thing i do is joining a korean class since my bestie asked me at the first place, it only once a week class in weekend but i feel quite content since i paid for the tuition fee by my own (well it’s not that expensive anyway), i got new friends, i have a teacher that is a native speaker (a legit Korean with english skill that i’m afraid i will ruin my english capability because of her LOL #kidding), and a hangout once a week with my bestie. How fun isn’t it? I learnt korean by self study, but it was nothing and i thought this is a good chance to learn this language properly in an official institute, when i get the certificate later it will be very useful for my self-development. 

During my employed-but-feel-like-unemployed-and-uncertain time, I’ve been looking for a good opportunities for a conference abroad, workshop, and events but i didn’t find a suitable one either because i didn’t meet the requirement, it costs a lot of money, or the time that not match. One day, my friend opened an opportunity to become a facilitator in her project, which is the similar project that i joined last year. I gave it a try, but unfortunately my friend chose other person that is more capable than me. I thought, it is alright it means that’s not my chance. A few months later my friend called me personally that she wanted me to replace her for this project because she needs to depart to Netherlands by the time a together gather in Malaysia is held. OMG i was beyond happy to receive this chance, it wasn’t like my time at first but then Allah shows me that a great thing will come to those who patient, although it will come later. I am so happy, yet a bit down because my friend will go to Holland first for master study before me. Anyway, everyone will have their own timing, if she didn’t accepted with her scholarship it means there’s no chance for me to join this project to Malaysia (for free). So, everything happens for a reason, and Allah has designed everything for us in a best way.

How about the support? My parents have showed me bigger determination than i do for me to be accepted in a scholarship and do my master program abroad, my family, my friends, my relatives, my besties, my junior,my lectures, my teachers, my neighbors everyone support me so well. Even, my special man also shows his biggest support for me to do this study despite the wait he has to through before our biggest plan can come true. That is the reason why I commit with him and agree to pass through all of this together. I’m beyond grateful to know this fact that i’m surrounded my people who love and support me so much. I don’t need to worry about this, all i have to do right now is to do my best and pray harder, leave everything to the greatest owner of this universe, Allah. I hope Allah ridha with the path that i want to take.

So are you stuck now? Anyway.....it’s actually my mind that make me feel like i can’t do anything, my fear that makes me unable to move, my worries that make me feel like i can’t do this, my over thinking mind that makes me feel like this is so unrealistic, my bad thought that make me think “i shouldn’t do this at first, this is wrong”. So what makes you stuck? My negative side inside me. Astagfirullah, there is nothing that i should worry about. I have everything that i can be thankful of endlessly, but i still feel the emptiness because i look at other people too much. Hey....everyone has their own path, you might think that they are success but if you become them, it’s not the place you want. Walk your life, focus on your own happiness, no matter how hard it takes you’ll get there although it might takes a while. You deserve to be happy like others, but only you who can create your own version of happiness, not others. So, take everything step by step like he said <3 and it is normal to feel anxious at this point of your life <3. One thing i know that growing up and being an adult is a complex thing.

[awesome-voleaksan-blog]

Netflix gift card

Netflix  Netflix gift card

Do you recall Blockbuster? Imagine it. You drive 5-10 min to the neighborhood office. You at that point burn through 15-20 min simply filtering through their choice. Select 2-3 films and go hold up in line next with a bundle of other individuals doing likewise. Get to the checkout "Gracious great decision, that will be $9.27 additionally you have a late charge for you of $5.25. These motion pictures will be do in 3 days." drive 5-10 min home and watch your motion pictures. You've recently spent around a hour of your time and $15 just to go do it again in a couple of days. LOL. A considerable measure has changed from that point forward.

I began by utilizing the mailing administration offered through Blockbuster and thought it was incredible. Until one day a couple of years back I discovered Netflix. It was amazing! A couple of bucks a month for gushing recordings and a mailing administration under a similar enrollment! Obviously I got a great deal of motion picture viewing done throughout the following couple of months. Also, as time has gone on and innovation has enhanced Netflix spilling administration has continued enhancing reliably. The Netflix enrollment was in the long run part with the goal that you needed to pay $7.99/mo for gushing and $7.99/mo for the mailing administration. The Netflix Enrollment is still $7.99/mo for all the gushing motion pictures. They have reliably included increasingly content throughout the years, and they even have their own particular unique arrangement they are making now. Place of Cards on the off chance that you haven't seen it is astonishing Kevin Spacey is a character you want to abhor, yet that is another story inside and out... Point is the substance is extraordinary.

Amazon Prime

I have been an Amazon part for a considerable length of time. Its just the best site around for shopping, endowments, and offering things on the web. Presently I need to state that correlation with Netflix aside; the Amazon Prime Participation is certainly justified regardless of the $. Its $79/mo, and its advantages are praiseworthy. To begin with, free 2-day delivering on all Prime qualified things. You may think well there can't be that numerous Amazon Prime qualified things at that point. Off-base! Practically every item has a Prime qualified alternative. Here and there you can get the things less expensive from various merchants, however you more often than not the 2-day shipping with Prime will tilt the scales back to Amazon (Simply one more way they undercut individuals offering on their site). Presently in case you're believing that 2-day FREE delivering is not that awesome... It is. What's the most you have paid for delivery when shopping on the web? $4? $20? $75? It happens, and whether you get one major thing or a couple of things utilizing the free dispatching choice with Amazon Prime... It pays for itself!! Second, with a participation there will be gives you go anyplace from 5-70% off irregular things. The sum you can spare after you have paid for the enrollment with simply the free sending is simply what tops off an already good thing. One more marvelous point for the Amazon Prime (and to return to what this about) is the spilling recordings. Do you need to pay additional for this on top of the $79/mo? Probably not. It joins the enrollment. Last conclusion... Prime is justified, despite all the trouble whether you contrast it with Netflix or not.

Amazon Moment Video Versus Netflix

Presently for the straight examination of these two awesome administrations. Which is better Netflix or Amazon Moment Video? Initially will investigate the availability/client experience of the two.

You can get to Netflix Moment Video on essentially any stage. That, as well as you can get to them from up to 4 isolate sources on the double. At a certain point my flat mate had an enrollment that was utilized by him, me, and 2 more companions in the meantime for a considerable length of time. Its availability is awesome. As to client understanding... With regards to the experience Netflix is in general the best its the least demanding to utilize. My children with little involvement in utilizing Xbox or the PC could make sense of it after a few tries, and if a child can utilize it... well you ought to have the capacity to too. On the off chance that you can't its not Netflix's blame you have different issues. The Netflix Application for the iPhone is anything but difficult to utilize and explore. You lose little of the experience that you get from utilizing a program, and for Xbox, PlayStation, and other comparable stages its is significantly smoother.

Amazon Moment Video, then again, with regards to different stages abandons me needing, and has no-where close to the openness that Netflix offers. WTF Amazon? Fix this. Presently in they're "guard" Amazon is about shopping so the client experience of Amazon Moment Video is set up to offer/lease films to you in the meantime. Simply varying objectives their Netflix needs you to appreciate the motion pictures and the experience; while Amazon needs you to expend (and obviously they make that simple).

Moment Video Determination

Presently on to content. Netflix has heaps of substance. A huge amount of films and demonstrates that are anything but difficult to explore, and they always add to it. They are as of now conversing with Comcast about offering Netflix gushing directly through the link benefit. (Presently on the off chance that you are unconscious there are numerous approaches to do this as of now look at this article for somewhat more information http://tinyurl.com/HowDoYouWatchNetflixOnYourTv The pleasure is all mine).

Amazon is purchasing up heaps of new material, marking contracts with numerous suppliers, and grabbing up anything Netflix drops (with the $8 billion of money available) versus the $290 million that Netflix has) they might have the capacity to win out at last... we will see. At the present time both Amazon and Netflix have a plenty of motion pictures; just the future will tell who will have more.

Amazon Prime Cost Versus Netflix Cost

Basic math $7.99/mo for Netflix Moment Video turns out to $95.88/yr. They do offer a 30 day free trial that once you attempt you will most likely proceed since they do offer the month to month alternative no agreement obviously. (Why not it's just $7.99/mo you pay 3-4 times that seven days on espresso in case you're the normal American). Amazon Prime is $79/yr they don't offer regularly scheduled installments. So while it's less expensive (and pays itself back with alternate advantages an Amazon Prime Participation accompanies) you do need to pay it all forthright. They do offer numerous enrollment bargains and rewards consistently ($20 off your next Amazon buy on top of any Prime investment funds you as of now get is normally enough to sweeten the arrangement so keep you eyes open for that or a participation markdown they run 1-2 times each year). So with regards to value Amazon Prime enrollment squashes Netflix participation.

YoureWelcomeBlg.Com's Decision

I utilize Netflix over the Amazon Moment Video each night of the week. Its not hard to accept obviously given that no less than 1/4 of Amazon Prime Individuals (as per a few sources) don't utilize or even know about the video library accessible to them. I have had sufficient time to investigate both, and just don't care for sorting through every one of the recordings on Amazon to make sense of which are free, and which can be leased/obtained for a cost. At that point it comes to quality too practically everything on Netflix can be spilled in HD as long as you have the correct association speed (ensure you're not utilizing all your transfer speed on different things). While Amazon Prime may offer the SD form free, and after that offer the HD adaptation rental for somewhat more $. Netflix is the reasonable decision on the off chance that you are searching for the best video gushing administration... Obviously I do jump at the chance to plug Amazon Prime as I said before the Moment Video is just a single of it benefits.

Netflix gift card

[thedeliberatewanderer-blog]

Aimless as Ever

I’ve never felt more like an outsider than I do here. No one can even pronounce my name correctly. I get eye oodled and cat called all the time. I even had a taxi driver straight up ask me to come into my apartment for 5 minutes just to have sex. I never realized how comfortable it is to already be somewhere where you blend in the crowd, where the way you look is the norm, and no one really questions or challenges your presence or looks at you like you’re some rare and exotic novelty. It’s just uncomfortable and new, and I know it’ll be a good experience at the end of all of this, but the adjustment is really hitting home in the last week. The “glow” of moving to a new place has faded, I miss home more than ever, and I constantly ask myself what I’m doing here. The only thing holding me together at this point is reading ethnographic accounts of anthropologists’ experiences with culture shock.

Today in particular was just not great. I felt as though I got picked on a lot in school for being American. The teacher singled me out multiple times for no reason. She kept looking at me and telling me words in English like she thought I didn’t understand what she was saying, even when I did. She went around the room and pointed at each person and asked them to say my name and didn’t do that for anyone else. She only asked me if I didn’t understand a word even when the rest of the class didn’t know it, either, like I was the only one that needs to admit when I don’t know something. The class collectively laughed at me at least twice with her leading it. There were three occasions in which she said something I didn’t understand, and over half the class said my name in response and chuckled. And I’m not sure what I did to deserve such treatment when all I did was come to class and sit down. I didn’t challenge her position of authority in the classroom, I said hello to all when I entered and responded hello when she finally came in. I’m not sure what social cue I missed, but even then, that classroom was only 10% Arab; I’m certainly not the only one culturally shooting in the dark. It was just incredibly uncomfortable, shaming, and kind of… prejudiced? Like when I got there, everyone sat in their collective “groups” walking in. The Asians sat with Asians, Arab boys with Arab boys, the Desi with Desi, hijabis with hijabis. And I know it’s human nature to gravitate towards what you know and designate personal “in groups” and “out groups,” but I guess I expected a little more empathy since I had no “in group” of my own to sit with. I expected more than the niqabi girl looking at me up and down and walking away when I said hi. But I guess that was expecting too much. Literally no one sat next to me until it was the last chair available.

I’m going to test the waters and give it a week, but if it doesn’t improve, I’m not really interested in continuing this program. Dr. H is nice as a person, but I dislike her teaching style. I don’t know if she was beckoning me to “rise to the occasion,“ but I don’t operate like that. I don’t function well with negative reinforcement, it makes me want to give up or do the opposite, because I dislike when people treat me that way, so I don’t want to condone it with accepting behavior.

I did find small solace in the comfort of Reem, Hanan, and my new friend RaHa after class. I know them through my “brother” here that’s been helping me adjust, Mohanad. Just as I was walking back from class, feeling like an isolated stranger, Reem called me and said she was outside my apartment and that we should go shopping. It was the only smiles I had today, and I very much enjoyed it. I got an abaya to wear around the house (they’re so flipping comfortable), pants, and some lipsticks. :)

Mohanad, in general, really is being so sweet. He called me today after I told him my first day of class wasn’t so great. I couldn’t give him all the details without the threat of the lump in my throat giving way to tears. He asked if I was crying, knew I was, but I couldn’t find it in my heart to tell him the truth. He’s done so much for me to help me get settled that I couldn’t bear telling him that the adjustment was failing, that I was considering other options, or adding the burden of my feelings to his plate. He knew I was lying, I think; I don’t think he would have offered to help me find and move to a different place in Jordan if he didn’t. Some people are just very intuitive. I’m a also a pretty terrible liar, too, though, lol.

Finding an organization that works with refugees here has been fruitless, too, either because they’re not non-profit, or they’re asking me to work the same time I have school. A friend of Mohanad’s, who has his fingers in every organizational pie in Irbid, said the majority of them left last year, because rising, international political tensions = loss of funding. I didn’t come here to be a full-time student, though, and the program here is 5 hours a day, Sunday through Thursday. I’m only enrolled because of conditions dictated by my mother for my staying here, but at the same time, the classes they offer here in Arabic are formal and not Arabic I’m interested in learning, because it’s not the Arabic I can use in the future for my fieldwork endeavors, anywhere. So I almost feel like it’s a waste of money and time, and that I need to take my search elsewhere.

I’ve found some volunteering opportunities in Amman from American-based organizations doing philanthropy work in what I want to do. I’ve been looking for apartments, and I found a few looking for a flatmate that had occupants from the USA, Netherlands, and Germany. It’s seeming more and more attractive now, especially after having such a shitty first day of class and my fruitless search to find an organization for refugees to call home. We’ll see what happens after this week, though. Inshallah.