#i dunno if i should be proud or ashamed

[writeronartblock]

As per what's customary with my blorbos:

Of course I get fic ideas for them. Anyways, I really want to make this into a proper oneshot but apparently my brain doesn't want to work with me rn (wrote three lines, two of them I don't like)

So I decided to (for now) make a rough timeline of events of what would happen in the fic

Hopefully I actually write this soon or else I just spent 24 minutes of my life for nothing but this

[etherealhoneybee777]

I have a lot of goofy mob psycho perfume headcanons, but one of my favorites is that Reigen wears Bath and Body Works Champagne Toast but is ashamed of it.

Champagne toast is a juvenile, fun scent that smells like hyper-sweet champagne and peach. Reigen LOVES this scent but he HATES that he loves it because even though he’s crazy about sweet femme scents, he doesn’t want people to know that he wears a cheap scent designed for tween girls.

So when people ask what scent he’s wearing, Reigen lies and says “Nautica Voyage for Men” Reigen shamefully keeps champagne toast stashed in a locked drawer in his desk. It’s his secret.

It’s his secret to everyone except Teru.

See, the thing about Teruki Hanazawa is that he has an amazing nose. He knows the name of a fragrance just by smelling it. And Teru ADORES bath and body works. He collects it. So Teru smells Reigen and immediately knows reigen is wearing champagne toast.

Their interaction goes like this:

Teru (who proudly wears scents designed for tween girls) I never knew you liked champagne toast, Reigen-san!!! We should talk bath and body works sometime!! I’m somewhat of a collector myself. I’m actually wearing the tutti dolci collection right now!

Reigen *visibly sweating*: dunno…dunno what you’re talking about. I’ve never been to bath and body works in my life. The only scent I wear is nautica voyage for Men

Teru *squinting* You don’t smell like nautica voyage. You smell like champagne toast.

Reigen: I guess your smeller is off.

Teru *visibly distressed at reigen gaslighting him at the tender age of 14*

Later, for Christmas, Reigen unwraps his present from Teru. It’s an unboxed bottle of nautica voyage for men.

Teru: go ahead, spray it!

Reigen starts sweating. He’s been caught in a lie—now everyone will smell the ACTUAL nautica voyage for men, and know that Reigen smells nothing like that, thus proving that Reigen has been lying the whole time about what fragrance he’s wearing.

People will discover he’s a fraud. A fraud who wears champagne toast.

Unable to think of an excuse, Reigen sprays the bottle of nautica voyage for men.

It smells exactly like champagne toast.

It smells like champagne toast because it IS champagne toast. Teru had bought a bottle of nautica voyage for men, emptied it, refilled it with champagne toast, and gifted it to reigen. The reason? He wants Reigen to be able to keep his perfume on his desk, to spray champagne toast without feeling ashamed.

Tears come to Reigen’s eyes. Teru knows Reigen’s a fraud. At least when it comes to the fragrances he wears. But Teru doesn’t care!! In fact, he’s HELPING Reigen lie by gifting him champagne toast disguised as nautica voyage. The idea that the kids see him—the real him, the liar—and accepts him anyway, is almost too much for reigen to take.

But Reigen keeps going. Like he always does. He says thank you to Teru. Gives him a hug. He sprays champagne toast, and is proud.

[9w1ft]

What purpose do you think it served bringing the clown on stage? Why trash your art like this, unless your consider it trash already so he completes the picture? I know Karlie's bearding heavily as well but what would it look like if she brought Josh along to walk the runaway with her?

actually i found the whole thing amusing. and i firmly believe taylor found it amusing and intended for it to be amusing. to me, the bearding is an integral part of taylor’s art. because it is an integral part of her story.

i know many people want the pure unfiltered free and unproblematic version of taylor —an idea of taylor, if you will— that is a beacon and role model example for the community. but might you not agree that taylor hasn’t been that for years now? can you imagine a world where she doesn’t want to be and that’s okay? is there only one specific way that she is allowed to be gay (umbrella term)?

i think present day taylor knows and acknowledges that she is not the Best Gay Artist. people point to miss americana and say oh but she all but said she wanted to be the Best Gay Artist and an Activist, but guys, it’s been 5 years. and i happen to think she’s in a different stage of life and her priorities are different. you can hold her up to the same standards all you want but, woof… five years out and dare i say it’s foolish to expect her to meet them.

there are artists out there now that fit the bill better if you are looking for them. she showcases them a lot!and there are so many in general. those that have the edge she never did. now that being gay isn’t forbidden, being secretly gay isn’t sexy anymore. i think taylor gets that. i think she has been saying it. find another guiding light!

as an unnecessary post script i feel compelled to say one more thing. out of all of her beards, ive always had a soft spot for tom regarding one particular point— because he was willing to wear that i heart ts shirt out at the beach. he wasn’t too proud, he wasn’t ever acting like he was above it, he was never self serious. i saw the same quality in travis in his performance and it actually improved my opinion of him overall. it’s a quality that is distinctly different from how it looked like calvin was. and time will tell with joe because i assume some amount of his demeanor was for the bit but, joe also came off that way too. for me, if taylor is going to beard, which is a reality i have accepted and its a reality that am living in for the time being, i would rather taylor do funny fourth wall breaking wink winky things with the beard than for there to be this weird dynamic wherein taylor has to keep her beard invisible because closeting is Unethical, a dynamic where she isn’t allowed to make art that leverages being closeted because apparently she should be at all times ashamed of bearding. a dynamic that’s always putting expectations on her that if she flags during pride month that it means she’s going to come out, instead of it just being her allowing herself to express herself within her circumstances. bringing him onstage isn’t a slap in the face to me, it’s just her poking fun at her own circumstance, finding the humor in it. making a lark of it.

i dunno fam 😆 i just, i dunno! it worked for me!

[sapphiclesbli]

been learning Spanish for 8 years and the only things I'm able to understand except like introductions and shit is dirty talking. dunno if I should be proud or ashamed

[genericpuff]

Sorry for the racist anon

I dunno how it works for Native Americans, but In Australia, those with Indigenous bloodlines are considered First Nations, no matter their skin tone of ethnic features.

This is largely due to ethnic genocide and colonisation, which I’m guessing Native Americans also experienced(of course), so to see a Indigenous person cry that someone’s “too white” to be First Nations is sickeningly ignorant.

aha I appreciate that <3

And I actually can totally relate to that because my bloodline falls under First Nations labelling! Except instead of being Australian, I'm Canadian haha I don't know if it was the same in Australia but it was practiced for a long time here (I think up until the 80's?) that if you were a First Nations woman who married a non-First Nations man, you'd lose your status as a First Nations woman. So my grandmother, who was raised in a residential school from a very young age, lost her legal status after marrying a French man and that passed on to her children and even her grandchildren. So I actually wasn't legally considered First Nations until around my preteens/teenage years when we were able to contest our status and bloodline with the government and get it back. Colonization unfortunately runs very deep in my family across the generations going back to my grandmother, much of my father's side of the family are strictly Christian (like, I'm talking "women aren't allowed to wear pants" type Christian) and I was raised as someone who was visibly different in a community of predominantly French/Irish people, but no one had the tools or resources to tell me why I was different without giving me an extremely whitewashed version of events. It makes me really upset for past me because being different really alienated me from a culture I didn't understand and didn't want to bother understanding at the time - I didn't want to be First Nations, because being First Nations was "weird" and "different" and I wanted to fit in.

Thankfully now I'm an adult and I've learned that my culture isn't something to be ashamed of, but proud of. Sometimes it makes me a little sad to feel like a foreigner to my own peers, where I'm learning about traditions and norms that many already had from childhood, but it's been a fun learning experience and it brings me so much joy to reconnect to a history and culture that was almost wiped out with my grandmother. I'm glad I learned about my culture and what was almost taken from me before it was too late.

It's frankly why it really shocked me in that previous ask, hearing "eh, you're not brown enough to be Indigenous and you should stfu" because I was literally picked on and singled out - even by my own white-passing family members - for being brown and "the odd one out" growing up. Being called a "cracker" was definitely a new one for me, I've been called every other manner of name for being darker-skinned and having visibly native features but never a name for not being dark-skinned enough ?? Like man, that's wild. Unlocking some whole new side content right here LMAO

[karisutasan]

I dunno whether I should be proud or ashamed of myself..

Saul Goodman cosplaying Ai Hoshino... hahaha.... *Chuckles nervously*

[crimsun-n-clover]

dalia chronicles

i need her so bad dude

like. i don’t. i’m just being weird because i’m bored and she’s my type.

BUT—

i’ve hit rock fucking bottom. i took all the screenshots of her stuff and all the songs off of them and put them in a playlist. because if i was posting “me <3” to thee most obscure song ever?? i’d want people to go check that shit out. and like. understand me or whatever. but that’s what i would want. i’m being fucking weird about this. i think she’d like the attention but i’d actually rather die than give it to her in this dumbass unstable institutionalized way

i just need her to dm me first ONE TIME. not replying to me posting her stuff on my story. like. replying to literally anything else. to justify my behavior.

BECAUSE

HERES THE FUCKING T H I N G MAN

i took mickey to a concert a few days back. twas rad. we saw idkhow. i posted about it a little. when i get home and check my instagram?? i see that i posted us at the concert waiting for it to start 5 hours ago. and dalia posted a question submission box to an idkhow song. 5 hours ago.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS. she’s fucking with me. she’s SO fucking with me. just dm me for the love of GOD and stop baiting me with things. even though it’s kinda why im into you in the first place. fuckin whatever man.

this is literal torture but i’m kinda having a good time ngl

today she posted two stories to the song casual by chappell roan and holy. fuck. dude. that song is SO real.

i’ve felt used so much for my looks and reputation and i was fucking fine with it at the time because if that was all i was gonna get then i should just shut up and be grateful. i was so stupid but i was almost happy. it made everything hurt so much more when it was over because honestly? i was fucking bitter. i wanted nothing more than revenge and numbness. i wanted to hurt her back and keep her down before she can try that shit again. teach her a thing or two about what loss means. it’s horrible to be like that, i know. but it was horrible of her to be showing me apartment listings for us while talking to a guy who was actively homophobic toward me. i’m not proud of what i did or who i am, but fuck being the bigger person. i’m three fuckin inches tall and gonna get in your stupid double standard holding brain until you pry me out yourself and admit what you did.

anyway

dalia posted herself to that song twice in a thirst trappy way. i want to pick her brain so bad. what happened? are you okay?? you deserve better. you’re interesting and talented and deserve every ounce of attention you crave. i’d be happy to give you some if you’d give me permission. i don’t want to be the problem here. the bits of your personality that i’ve seen have been so intriguing to me. i’m enraptured and i want to know more. it’s not purely physical, but it could be if you want it to.

also. why are you so hot it’s not FAIR and how have the last two girls i’ve been dangerously into posted themselves with a star drawn on their collarbone and made my poor gay brain short circuit?? i’m actually in shock about that one ngl. while the lyric “knee deep in the passenger seat and you’re eating me out, is it casual now?” plays in the background. i hope i die

moving on. ish.

i want to save it but they’re videos and i can’t just paste videos into a notes file like i would with a photo i didn’t want laying around. i didn’t even like the more thirst trappy one because i’m RESPECTFUL. she’s so pretty and i want to drool over her a little. i’m obviously fucking ashamed but if a straight guy did it it would be normal so. whatever. i feel like saving it would be hitting some kind of barrier. dunno what it is but there’s gotta be a limit around here somewhere. or maybe it’s admitting something to myself. that this is a genuine interest but it’s not if i don’t save the video. GOD i hate it here

i feel like i’m objectifying her? like. i’d love for her to objectify me honestly. lick my fucking tongue and get it over with so i can think about it for the rest of my life. she seems to be looking for attention in any way she can get it and that makes me think she would be cool with it. but i don’t want to be that you know? i know how that feels. but i also wouldn’t mind something unserious with her. but i would want more if she wanted more. that’s a fucking LIE i’d want more regardless but i’d take more if i got permission.

i’m kinda sorta maybe the type of person with an avoidant attachment style. something good happens? cool! sounds like bullshit. cash out while i’m high and tuck tail n fucking bolt. i’ll feel like shit about it but if i stick around something bad always happens.

i’m getting. a vibe. that maybe she’s similar. i’m probably just projecting. i don’t know how to describe it, but it feels like everything she does is a wild fucking shot in the dark and then she runs off for a bit until she builds up the courage to do it again. she’ll drop a hint or say something important and then post art and her outfit for a week and do it all over again.

it feels like we’re both testing the water at different times. just “wouldn’t it be cool if. girlfriend? GOODBYE GUYS NICE KNOWING YOU” eventually there’s gonna be an intersection and shit is gonna go DOWN bro. like. added to my lore kind of down. but i think i’m gonna be the one to have to actually make the first move that isn’t liking her stories and i’m gonna blow my fucking brains out. and like five other people will die because of all the suicide pacts i’m a part of.

and then immediately after i get even a DROP of reciprocation i’ll go “damn that’s crazy. fuckin ditto or whatever. i’m leaving the country don’t wait up” OR immediately propose. no in between. i hate it here

[bear-momma]

Dunno why but feel really uncomfy and sad, and dunno what to do, have so much big kid stuff need t do but just don't feel like I can, don't have drive or motivation to do anything, kinda wanna be small but can't tell if I am or not, and my mama said they wanted space and stuff so dunno if they wanna be my mama anymore, and I don't wanna bother my bubba cuz feels like I only talk to them when I'm sad and that's bad, but I just feel alone and like i need to talk to someone, and I keep venting on my account and that's bad, and i keep feeling this weird heat burning thing in my arms whenever I do and I dunno what it is an Ms. Bear help

This all sounds very overwhelming, I'm so sorry :(

The good news is, we dont have to take care of all of this all at once, we can take baby steps to figure it out. Big kid stuff can be overwhelming when there's a lot of it, can you make a list of the things that need to be done? From there you can separate it into "needs done soon" and "long term" items. That way it easy to focus on one item at a time. Take a few deep breaths, and don't try to tackle it all at once 💛

Sometimes the people close to us need breaks, and even though we know it's okay, it can still hurt. You're not a bad person for wanting someone to talk to. If you're worried about your bubby, you could reach out during happy times, too. Or you could send them a message out of the blue and ask how they're doing, give them a chance to vent if they need to. That way the relationship doesn't feel so one-sided. As for venting on your blog, it's YOUR blog, and you are allowed to post whatever you want 💛 if you're worried that your followers are tired of seeing it, you could always use a tag like "vent" and they can filter it out in their settings. But overall, you're allowed to express your feelings somewhere safe, and your blog should be that safe place.

Journaling/venting on a blog is a very healthy way to deal with negative emotions, you shouldn't feel ashamed for doing so. You are doing a great job and I am so proud of you!

[nahrowpc]

Im not much of an artist but I took a buzzbomber of sonic and just.. made them humanoid female. I dunno if I should be proud or ashamed of myself on how it turned out

[coffee-in-veins]

Hey coffee! Hope you don't mind that I continue the ask game from a bit ago!

5 11 (drop a playlist if you want!) 14 and 24 (more like, where do you get your references) and 30!!

Have a good day <3!

hullo hullo o/

thank you for the ask! and don't worry, you can ask anything and even from very old asks if you wanna ^^ if i can answer, i will.

5. Estimate of how much of your art you post online vs. the art you keep for yourself

lately i'm posting almost everything i have that i feel "finished" online because it makes dopamine and i could really use that. if we're talking art, i think all the art i've got is posted online. if we're talking texts... well. most? some i have but again, few people are interested in them compared to art, so i post them more rarely.

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what

oh yeah! when i write, i have a huge playlist of postrock:

when i draw - whell, it depends, i have Witcher 3 OST, Hades OST, Final Fantasy 9 OST, and i have a few playlists which actually have words! ^^ which is so nice T^T i can't write when i have songs with words in the background...

i love turning this one on when i draw dd:

one for them is inspiration for RRR. it's quite old one, it was made a few years ago.

now the unpleasant stuff: i'm ashamed to admit but it has songs from a folk group called Melnista. which is ruzzian. they were somewhat against the war... but not too vocally. maybe afraid. dunno. them being against it is the sole reason i've not deleted the playlist alltogether. i haven't edited the playlist since i have to be honest that those were the inspirations, but... i'm very torn on this one and whether or not i should edit it and remove all of those. so... yeah

and one which is a bit of a spoiler if you look at the specifics of the name:

14. Any favorite motifs

oh dear... probably soulmates. finding someone you feel welcome with, even if it's through shit, dirt and blood - either your own, or someone else's. importance of physical touches. found family of horrible people for horrible people who manage to work through their shit and become better while still perceiving themselves as horrible people. lights. undying loyalty, often betrayed because and by another undying loyalty.

24. Do your references include stock images

i hafe a few galleries for stock images, but i also can ask people around me to help with taking a quick photo if i'm desperate, to have at least some approximation.

this thing can help someone but it sucks to set it up and i often forget i have it ^^'

also https://www.tumblr.com/bodytachi is amazing to have a reference for a pose

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

i'd put "Kiss your perfect day goodnight"

it's the first time i managed to draw them together. and i'm incredibly proud of how this one turned out... not to mention that rey had been a bitch to draw ever since

[m318x2]

I finish dbt on thursday. That's a happy occasion and I'm glad I made it, and proud of the progress I've made.

Tw: ed vent under the cut (no actual numbers but approximated/vague bmi talk included. Lots of angst.)

I have made absolutely zero progress on my ED though (fully on purpose. I wasn't gonna do DBT unless I agreed with my eating disorder that we weren't gonna start recovery from that, just the other issues I have). And unsurprisingly (bc we talk about it frequently and I stubbornly refuse to do anything about it) my therapist has noticed. And she's now saying either I get assessed at an ED center and do what they recommend or she's gonna refer me to a different therapist because she doesn't want to reinforce my ed. I have until the end of October to decide, since that's as far as I'm currently scheduled with her.

I understand, and I told her I'd think about it, but tbh all I want to do is just quit therapy altogether, do what I can with my dbt skills, and drop as much weight as physically possible amd watch all of this hard work I'm doing in college blow up in my face because I get hospitalized mid-semester. I dunno anymore. I've been so happy up until recently, but I realized that this is like. THE last chance I'm gonna have to beat my lw (I'm not even super far off right now, it just gets WAY harder to lose any weight when your bmi is already classed as like. Severely underweight.) And I just. Fuck. I've had this shit in my head since I was 15 but its only started to feel like an actual problem in the past year or so but like nobody in my personal life is expressing concern yet so??? Does it really fucking matter? Are they really just that hesistant to bring it up or do I really just look that normal?

I've known this for a while but I just don't see the point in recovering until after I have a "do or die" moment. And right now I'm pulling straight As and slowly losing too. So. Why the fuck would I stop. I know how reckless that is but at the same time every time I think that my ed goes "Oh shut up, fatass. You sound like a wannarexic. Your pronouns should be y/n, because you sound like a fucking pick me anorexia faker. Are you ashamed? You should be ashamed."

Idk. I'm just really fucking tired of myself.

[myrfing]

in a weird way I was and. am I guess ashamed that i spent so much time on some drawings when I was younger EVEN THOUGH I SHOULDN’T BE if anything I should be proud of it but i dunno. it’s not even like anyone was ever expressly mean to me about what I drew it’s literally just because I think they’re bad which of course they would be and they needed to be for me to learn. a lot of my laziness wrt art is just this that I for some insane inane pointless reason end up regretting almost everything i draw instead of just being like omg I improved :3 like anyone with a modicum of resilience

[stacksolotl]

Out of our four usual fronters, I (Howie) have been around a lot lately, and it's just kind of funny to observe why. Especially when thinking about cognitive sympathy vs empathy and how it's distributed across the system.

I mean... Doc is high emotion/low empathy, so of course, she needs an assistant like Kim who is (repressed) low emotion/high empathy. So it makes sense that Manny, who is high emotion/high empathy, needs someone like me who is low emotion/low empathy. None of this being stuff we did on purpose, of course--just stuff our brain automatically had figured out on its own.

It also makes sense, then, why I'm the assistant out of the two of us who has been around more than Kim. Kim's emotions eat her up late at night, and just kind of fester the rest of the time. Especially when it's Jimmy (in our partner system) who is distressed by something. Sometimes, her strong desire to fix everything and care really hard is great to have! But I guess that's just the thing... lately, it's had us paralyzed. So then it's Howie to the rescue, I guess, because I honestly am not as phased by anything happening as Kim or anyone else is. Even when it's my boyfriend (Jason) struggling, it doesn't seem to bother me very much.

But, on the other hand, I do still care. Which is really the answer to the nagging question of "What am I even here for, when we have people like The Ladies who could do this job as well?" Because they can't do it *just* as well as I can. I am mostly Schizoid with some Cluster B traits, but it's really mild. The Ladies, on the other hand, are much stronger Cluster B traits--some might even say the worst* of us, in that regard. However, that makes it harder for them to care on the back end, as well as the front end, and a lot of them wind up unable to do anything with our problems because of it.

I don't know if this makes sense, but... For example: Vivienne is probably the next closest person to doing what I do. She's pretty textbook ASPD and is really good at stuff when she wants to do something. The trouble is, a lot of the time, she just doesn't want to. She gets bored and drained so fast. Me, though--I do whatever I want to do, but I actually *want* to do things and help. I still get bored a little easy, but not if there's sufficient enough dopamine involved for me. Viv gets bored of stuff even if she likes it and wants to do it; that's one of the hardest parts for her. It makes her way more impulsive than me, and that's saying something.

I dunno why I'm writing all of this out, except to help remind myself why I'm stuck here a lot lately. Because I've got just the right recipe of brain parts to tackle things right now and not get overwhelmed. I think I should be proud of myself for that. It's funny how much "character flaws" can actually benefit you when you learn to stop being so ashamed of your neurotype. I still have my struggles, but it's far from always being a bad thing.

[kimboo-york]

Moving fic: an pro author's dilemma...

Got nowhere to discuss this than here, really (would have done it on twitter but...yeah. 😥)

My AO3 account of old, with all the fic I wrote from 2007-2018, is still around. 236 works there. As I am now trying to consolidate my "brand" as an author I am considering moving* most of those fic over to my newer AO3 account.

(This isn't about being ashamed of what I wrote or hating it - if that was the case I'd just orphan the fics in question.)

But should I? Dunno.

I keep waffling back and forth. Mostly I'd love to just leave the less-good older stuff on the old account and only move over the better stories, so that people who follow me can find the stories I am proud of in one place. And yes, I DO use my fanfic as marketing, insomuch as it is all something I can point people to as proof of writing skill/talent. (No, I don't advertise my fic, that would be profoundly dumb. It's more like "hey I do this too, if you are curious!")

Part of me thinks I'm being silly but OTOH I'm tired of having split personalities all over the web. I'd honestly consolidate my pro pen-names if it was viable (and I still might, down the road, but not right now).

Y/N? Thoughts? Busy work or valid branding project?

--------------

*AO3 does not make this easy; I have to add my new account as a co-writer, then delete my old account as a co-writer. I get why it's "not easy by design" but it still makes it a bit of a chore.

[jackielanternart]

I just got my third star on Loki.

[southfarthing]

a compilation of my short merlin fics for albionparty!

lotr-inspired pieces:

in a time of myth and a land of hobbits (merlin & arthur, hobbit!au)

deep roots are not reached by the frost (merlin & arthur & knights of the round table, ranger & elf!au)

camelot apartment block comedy. group chat!au inspired by the council of elrond

snippets from my robin hood!au fic:

merlin vs arthur. angst, merlin leaving camelot

merlin & knights vs camelot. tension, vigilantes

other (I may edit and lengthen some of these and post on ao3 later!):

merlin & arthur. character study, merlin's magical ties to the natural world, arthur’s obervations

merlin & arthur. post-morgana takeover, angst with a happy ending, on the run, arthur finding his strength

merlin & arthur (& lancelot). the impact of lancelot's death, angst (with a happy-ish ending), nature

merlin & queen gwen. fluff, banter, soft domestic vibes, gwen knows about merlin's magic