#i dunno i get called retarded for my voice but also. i get retarded for everything i do

[iwakuraz]

everytime I think even just a little bit that I'm starting to sort of get better at speaking aloud, somebody will say something horrible to me about my voice and ruin everything

[boobachu]

Watching the shape of voice

cuz twitter was like "Xs over faces gag!" and I'm like "neat"

So spoilers I guess uh whatever

Anyways spikey boy is all about to kill himself, took out money and whatever gave it to someone and there was like he was gonna jump at a bridge and there was a family popping fire crackers so he left

Now it's like "My Generations" by Rolling Stones is playing and ROFL

Anyways he's a kid again so uh aunno.

LOL he's doing the mechanics pencil needle thing

So new kid in class, I guess she's mute so she's communicating via text

Ahhh she's deaf so that makes sense, everyone's trolling her now but I'm kinda expecting bullying cuz this has an edgy crying vibe.

I guess this takes place before the advent of mobile computers so there's no text to speech or anything. Tho I've also never been in this situation so I have no idea how it'd work besides what it is, but yeah the teacher is a piece of shit.

Making fun of slow readers just Billy Madison "T-T-T-Day junior" and not really accomidating for the fact pinky can't hear.

Spiky boy was making fun of pinky's voice, and now he's trolling her and throwing sand like what.

Now they're teaching the class sign language.

Now boring girl is butthurt cuz she's too lazy to learn.

Ah the person helping her is being outcast, I can relate to that, my one friend basically was outcast by being my friend ROFL

Spiky boy wrote this after pinky's new friend helped her and is gone now after being bullied

So after he's like "who coulda dood this" pinky's all like

"I said no need to thank me"

Yeah this is very familiar to me... honestly like I wonder if Pinky will grow up obsfucating stupidity and being a perpetual jokester so you can never know if she's actually clueless or making fun of you which is better than being called retarded by shitlords (lords of shit)

Bully montage! bully montage!

Oh wait he fucking pulled out her hearing aids and she's bleeding what the shit

"You went too far"

Pinky apologized to Spiky???? dunno why????

Then fucking Spiky threwt her notebook in some fountain so she had to get in.

I guess years later someone threwt spikey into the same fountain ROFL

Ah so Pinky is absent now, damn eight hearing aids were broken or missing.

Time for everyone to turn on Spikey, the principal or whatever is asking for who is the bully. The teacher just straight-ass outed Spikey time for street justice.

Just a fucking coward's cotillion, everyone outing each other.

Tho it's very clear Spiky is the scapegoat as he's the one that took the bullying furthest out of the class ROFL

Now that I've never experienced in any school, but I guess bullying never went this far to where the teachers actually did anything.

Tho that is true, bullying is a way to fit in, hell even I've done it once (after years of being bullying, suffering doesn't make you a better person, it just makes you suffer)

Anyways it's kinda funny seeing one of the mob being ousted and now being the pariah.

Bully montage! Bully montage! Spiky edition!

Pinky was scrubbing Spikey's desk cuz aunno honestly I don't know why she's so nice and why Spiky is still just pissed off.

ROFL Pinky bit spiky ROFLGF just red

REDASS BEATDOWN ROFL

GET HIS ASS BITCH

Pinky's patience has been shattered hell hath no fury like a 57th chance spat in its face!

Anyways Pinky finally transferred so now Spiky is all alone in a coward's cotillion so ROFL

Ah back to buisiness suit spiky. How will he kill himself... by learning sign language...

Okay...

Wait Pinky all grewt up?!?!?!

What no apology? I'd lead with that you fuck nugget.

Yeah natch she'd run, fuck that bitch-ass.

Honestly I dunno what I'd do if I met one of my bullies, but also I dunno what I'd do if I met that one kid I joined the guys bullying that one time.

I guess just avoid cuz it's like no one cares who's sorry just stay out of my life forever and ever amen.

So I guess Spiky is returning this old-ass notebook? The pacing of this movie is weird.

Ah so Spiky learnt sign language.

ohhhh so that's what pinky was saying before spiky flipped his gourd, she wanted to be friends.

Now the damn-ass animation went trippy.

Ah we're back in another time period.

Just breakfast time I guess.

Some bobble hat kid? Ah I guess this is after the failed suicide attmpt, and he's living with his mom still, that's how it is ROFL

ROFL yeah he sold all his life away so now it's just like, when you can't kill yourself and you're just ROFL ¥1,700,000!!!!!

A

SHE BURNEND S IT SKDLKSJFNLKJF MOOOOOOOOOM

Ah in middle school blondie make sure everyone knew what spiky did

So he never cold escape it

So he pushed everyone out ROFL

Ah so that's why the stupid X face gag

Wait now people are being nice to him???? Wait what? What's going on

Ah so now he's making up things they're saying about him okay.

ROFL This movie is so fucking funny, kids really are that fucking full of shit too.

So are adults, like everyone's a hypocrite. That's just human nature I guess.

Even if you think you're above that, you have contradictions that are built into your soul.

That is one thing tho, even if you wish you were never born, if you want the pain to end, it's really hard to kill yourself.

You have to know, and the very core of your being, it has to be a fact more solid than gravity,

ah he's ignoring a bully

Ah he's intervening wow.

but like when someone kills themselves, it's the end of a fucking options, you've tried so fucking hard to live but it's impossible.

So yeah he's late to see pinky cuz the bully stole his bike, so like he missed his appointment and pinky's friend shut him outside even with the alibi bread.

SO poofy head, the person he saved, his X fell off and I guess they're friends now.

So spiky is asking poofy head how you become friends like if there's a process, so they do a weird handshake?

Very droll.

I like poofy head, he's droll, smoking a franch fry

So spiky tries to see pinky again and like just uhp photo chick shuts him down again.

"She's not here" oh photo chick is pinky's girlfriend and like senor poofy head backs him up

LOL WTF

Man spiky escapes pursued by pinky and poofy head and shutterbug spy on them

So I guess they're using the bread to feed the fish??????

What the hell

So Spiky was ascared of what was in the notebook and tossed it so pinky dived into the koi thing and like uhp panty shot? nope

Also I guess shutterbug is a boy, he just sounds like a girl.

Just a couple of dubmasses being watched by two goobers, fun dynamic.

hoo doggy

Pinky is a dumby according to shutterbug

So I guess current time is high school? Right? I think?

Ah shutterbug posted him jumping off a bridge to twitter and now he's in trouble, suspended for a week.

So shutterbug is sleeping in a playscape for some raisin

Like moms asked spiky to pick up his sister who is like 6yo or whatever.

So Shutterbug confesses to spiky about the trolling.

for realz

Oh that's his niece! His sister is the mom!

She's nibling now tho! ROFLFOFLFOFLOFL

So shutterbug is staying at spiky's house cuz he's homeless, staying in his room.

Shutterbug took a pic of a damn frog.

barefoot.

So he gave his shoes to shutterbug now they're

Wait so like, shutterbug and pinky are on the outs cuz he used her shampoo??????? wat

Yeah just hold on this shot, like okay sure yeah okay nice shot fucking stupid.

ohhhhhh so shutterbug is pinky's younger sister

ROFL the mom slapped spiky's dumbass.

zdskfjnszdnkjfbndkjsafgdkjsfg

So Senor Poofyhead is treating shuterbug like a brah and spiky's all "that's a girl" and he just backs the fuck up

I dunno what pinky wants but I guess spiky has to find her old friend, ohhhhhhh yeah that one girl!

Senor poofyhead rollin dem Gs

So squad's out heading to find whatshernuts.

So I guess they're IMing on thet rain now, honestly liveblogging is detracting from this movie about as much as the shitty encoding.

Whatshernuts: accquired

part of me wishes there was like, subtitles, but I guess that kinda gives the vibe of what Pinky experienced when people talked with their back turned to her yaw meen?

So it's clever

Random-ass cat girl

meow meow club?

So spiky and poofyhead are at the gatito parlor trying to reunite whats her face with the girls so yeah.

So something's wrong with Shoko (pinky) (it takes me a while to learn names whoever cares)

Naoka... is uh... is that what's her face? Ah she's still an omega bitch.

So she's trying to bond with Spiky, but he ain't having nonna dat

WAIT SHE'S A GROWN ASS WOMAN RIPPING OUT HEARING AIDS??????????????????

I guess that's what happens when you don't bully bullies.

Wait so shutterbug sleeps in a closet?????

what?????

Honestly I wouldn't mind that. Tho what closet's wide enough for me? ROFL

What the fuck does pony tails mean?

Just eeee ponytail! who cares

I wish I could rock it but it always sinks cuz my hair is heavy.

So spiky said some cringe to shoko so now he needs some fucking bread

Also I guess Shoko can speak now? Suddenly? Aunno.

Like she's more articulate wait what

She love him?????

What in sam hill.

SHOKO MAKES THE PASS AND SPIKY FUMBLES COSTING THE GAAAAAAMMMMMMME

ROFL

RIP Shoko, beefing so fucking hard

Like dude Spiky needs hearing aids like I mean YEAH SHE SLURRED but like she clearly went "I lurbe you" big as dallas fucking I guess it's something that didn't translate well like he was like "oh yeah advertising at sunset w00t"

Wait why did that bishie's face uncover the X?

The moon.

She said "the moon"

que

what

nani

Yeah def didn't translate well.

Pinky's got the kicksies she's just like me france!

Wait so now we're going to six flags

I hate amusement parks, we went to six flags in catholic school and I spent the entire day doing nothing cuz I'm scared of all the rides.

sigh

Man poofyhead don't want redhead touching spiky. LOL

Poofyhead gets dibs

Yeah poofyhead has real hair! it's called curly

awwwe Spiky realizes he has friends

Ah hell blond boy is working at the park ROFL

Xs re-applied RIP

So the Xs are like the wall.

So bitchy and pinky go on the ferris wheel while spiky laments.

Oh boy top secret video time

SHUTTERBUG FUCKING LEFT THE CAMERA ON AND GAVE IT TO HER SISTER SJFHFOLKJSJFOLKSF

Man she reminds me of my brother, he always knew what was up... I kinda wonder if it's cuz he saw what happened to me...

Tho he also always had friends, and I always was a tagalong... like can you imagine a 10 year old playing with toddlers? That was me.

"I don't hate you, I hate myself"

Damn, bitchy punched pinky WTF

God blondey is so fake ROFL

That's how it is tho I guess.

Dammit Spiky you'd better not commit sudoku.

"Yeah, I hate me too"

[fangtastic-vampyra]

SRA DREAM/RANT/The Cursed Monthly Gift/Contagion

Being miserable. From. My family. Like I keep dreaming I am walking around naked lol. Maybe cause the blankets are heavy? Irl? Or just feeling way too open and such, online, yet some say vulnerable is strong. But anyway, once I found some clothes um, I was asking if my cous could be my roommate, and they say we get "another patient" as a roommate, it was like a sort of um, HUD thing? Well. I went off. Said I am leaving there, and everything, and going to take over my mom's house. WHICH was like a pt3 from a dream of a Hurricane happening in LA again, and I kept asking people to secure my stuff, I really am not rich enough to buy the 3RD round of clothing and tech and everything. (I also dreamed I was THE JOKER in a movie, starring me.. and had like two boyfriends and two girlfriends lol)

Um, cont with this recent one from a few hours ago... Telling them (my family) abt me with the suicidal ideation within it, dr knows, its just a side effect of being trans, and not as tall as i think i "really am". Like. Begging them to bring me back across the lake and stuff. As we would say. Ugh. {Thirty minute drive.}

Before I passed out, a voice told me, that I was pretty much (my balcony oversees the lot, obv, but like REALLY, does, our location) abandoned here, she/mum doesn't care if i have food/money/etc, and with the schizophrenia (being like jimunji) as it's, V2K DEW EMF SPRITE AI and Handlers, Im often spinning/out of it/dazed feeling... Like they know you have mental probs but expect you to "act" like you don't? How could you even comprehend that?

So I found some guy that cared, he looked me up all over internet from a FB dating profile. Guise, be careful what you put out there. Me? I figure I'm just..dying from Covid anyway..and The Contagion...

Feel grouchy, breasts are feeling uh tenderness or wahtever, prob starting period, but I really dont think thats what it is "spotting".

...my fucking dumb ass. had sex with this guy but like WHY does woman have to be the one "put a condom on please" like Im not doing okay... adjusting to this whole "society as a targeted individual with people who come to the house with rx psychiatric meds"--Pushin going to a DR with me. it could be side effects of T/Estrogen.

This guy is like a handler and that. Dont you know in 9 months. Dont you know child support and that. Idk I was looking at TV and it said abort. Idk probably lil antichrist in there.

I dont even want to be here, alright?

But as far as no one ever loving me, as some mistake of God, a baby would love me. Forever.

Fucking dudes. Weirdos.

Im weird. No. I realize. I am perfectly naturally fucked up from this HORSE SHIT. I have to now take responsibility as some kind of uh. Fuck up. Fubar. I dunno. We shall see. Stupid woman body. Cant even really stop itself from being pregnant. Its just..the dumbest shit. Yeah pills? I pass out. Surgery? Demons. Lots of them. Uhhhhh idk. Kinda hung up on a kid loving me. FECKING LIL RETARDED ASS CHICKENS KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF UNWANTED PREGGERS. (They can get rid of the sperm ugh) HUMANS? NO. This is so fucked up. And politicians and all like want us to have babies in our tummies. Where are they when this baby is hungry and sick? Stealing my Fucking money, calling me an undesirable, and whathaveyou. Prolly, you know, tilling him/her to the grave,

[ancientbooshartifacts]

CRIMPETY CRIMPETY FUCK YOU

Author: Thieving_Gypsy

Year: 2008

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Howince

It was a crisp, cold winter night. The best sort of night for vest-and-pants antics, that. A satsuma fight to get the circulation going, then a good hard heavy sweaty passionate noisy bout of crimping til the early hours. "Capybaras," Vince started, tentatively, but Howard didn't join in so he tried something else. "Marshmallow... um. Dishes." Still nothing. He looked at Howard, worried. "What's wrong?" "I don't know." Howard was sitting there on the edge of his bed, hands in his lap, just staring at them, exuding confusion like a human skunk. "I'm just... not feeling it tonight, Vince." "What? Why?" He couldn't make himself sound completely horrified, though. He felt the same. "You're always up for a bit of it." "I'm not a lightbulb. I can't turn myself on and off when you feel like it." "Come on, Howard, I know that." He shuffled forward and uncrossed his legs, sitting on the edge of his own bed so they were knee-to-knee. He went to take Howard's hand, then changed his mind and went to put his fingers under his chin instead and raise his head from its slump so he could see his eyes, but then he remembered he wasn't allowed to touch and his hand kind of wandered around the air for a bit instead, looking lost and foolish. He dropped it back to the mattress with a soft little thump and tried a different tactic - Old Faithful, the unbeatable gimmick. Vince made his eyes go very very big and said nothing. After a minute, Howard glanced at him, and quickly away again. And back. And away, and back. He seemed to hover on the edge of some kind of mental precipice for a while, then sighed and let himself collapse over it. (Vince smiled behind his hand, pretending to scratch his nose. Always worked, the big blue eyes.) "It's just... can't you feel it? There's something wrong here, Vince. There's bad juju afoot." "What kind of bad juju?" Vince leaned in and slid his hand up Howard's arm, clutching him tightly near the elbow. He didn't get yelled at. That scared him a bit. Howard must be really freaking out not to, well, freak out. He just sat there, looking somehow small, utter misery all over his face as obvious as if it had been stamped there by an over-zealous librarian. "I think someone's stolen the crimp." ... Two comforting cups of hot sweet tea later, and a gorilla-smack round the face for Howard, they'd just about stopped shaking enough to explain to Naboo why they'd woken him up by screaming hysterically and running around the bedroom like panicky trapped flies. "Bollo thought noise was sexnoise," Bollo said, stroking Vince's hair back off his sweaty forehead and glaring at Howard as if to say oh, you great Northern behemoth, this one's fragile. "Yeah, well," Vince muttered, shaking the big hairy hand off and huddling into himself as much as a man can when he's wearing nothing except a vest, knee-socks and little blue pants, "Bollo's a bloody creep, then, innee?" "Someone's stolen the crimp," Naboo repeated. There was a hint of dubiousness in his voice. A bit more than a hint, really. Quite a lot. An excess of dubiousness. Howard nodded frantically, sloshing lukewarm tea over the rim of his cup and all over his bare thighs. "You have to help us!" "How come I have to help you?" "Because that's how it works!" "...Oh yeah. Alright, then. Have you seen anybody weird lurking round the place recently? Let's start with that." Vince piped up immediately with, "I saw that fishy freak here the night we had the bouncy castle party!" and Howard went all shifty and said Vince was a nincompoop and his flighty eyes couldn't be trusted and that he, Howard, had exceptionally good eyes, although they were small, and surely would have noticed such a shameless blatant invader himself had one actually ever made it into the building. (Vince grinned to himself at Howard's blustering awkwardness, hiding the smile behind his cup, and decided he'd probe Howard later. Not like that. Although possibly like that, too.) "This useless," Bollo grumbled. "For sake of moving plot on, we pretend Honey Monster has been sighted like big yellow Dalston yeti." Naboo nodded, and sent him to fetch transportation. Higher minds were needed. ... The magic carpet skidded to a halt with a confusing screech of non-existent brakes. Howard promptly tumbled off, landing head-first on the leafy ground. Vince stepped down with a bit more grace, grimacing at the mud squelching under his long white socks, and offered Howard a hand that was completely ignored because apparently cold muddy half-naked Men of Action aren't allowed to accept help when they fall over. The hum of voices could be heard coming from somewhere nearby, although not quite the words being said until they made their way closer, rounded a corner, and stepped into the Board's clearing. "Is it true, Kirk? You're the father of Jamie Lynn's baby?" "Yes." "Naboo, you're late," Dennis said sternly, then seemed to deflate like a knackered balloon when he saw Howard and Vince and spent the rest of the scene trying to hide behind the bloke with the feathered hat (the bloke Vince's mate Kelly thinks has lovely pretty blowjob-lips) muttering vaguely obscene things about basic principles and the rethinking thereof. It was a difficult thing to explain to the Board, this crimp-theft. How do you convey the urgency of such a thing when the people whose help you're trying to get don't have a clue what you're talking about? It's not like they could do a bit to demonstrate, THE CRIMP HAVING BEEN STOLEN and everything. "It's a bit like two-way scat with words," Howard tentatively started, then the others had to hold a snarling red-eyed Kirk back from ripping open Howard's jugular with his teeth. "Oh, well done!" groaned the little pink tit with tentacles. "Go on, why don't you set him off again? We've just got him calmed down after last time someone referenced the j-word. My friends and acquaintances, this is, unequivocally, an outrage." The mêlée raged. Naboo turned his back on it, but nobody noticed and that made him sulky. "Bollo has cousin," the gorilla suddenly said. "He tiny-brained retard. His friends also tiny-brained retards. Perhaps tiny brains not matter. They will die anyway. Perhaps they could help." Howard still had his hands around his own throat in a sort of protective collar and he gave Bollo the dirtiest look he could manage. "Great, Bollo, thanks. You couldn't've told us this back at the shop?" "Aw, Howard, leave it out, alright?" Vince was shivering in the cold night breeze, feeling even more petulant than normal and willing to go along with any plan if it meant he'd get out of the mud. "It's not Bollo's fault. I think B just wanted to write the Shamans." "So how come they're fighting like cocks and not coming with us?" Vince shrugged. "Cos she discovered she was shit at writing them? I dunno." He turned to Bollo. "How can we get hold of your cousin, then?" ... Back in the flat, far too many odd little people were squashed into a kitchen that was only used to seeing one - a strange little chap dressed like an astronaut, an oversized bee, a leprechaun, a racoon on a skateboard, three little men who appeared only to be able to speak that snapcracklepoppy African language of tongue-clicks (and whom Howard secretly believed to be involved in a nasty sordid little sexual threeway in their spare time), an anthropomorphic tiger in a really homosexual neckerchief, a terrifyingly large cockerel, an aging pervert with a balding head and a white labcoat, and what appeared to be their ringleader, Bollo's cousin Coco, a small brown monkey in a baseball cap who seemed to have the unique power of making everybody he met want to murder him. Howard had already tried putting several moves on him, although these had all been foiled by Vince grabbing at him to keep him back and finding only small pants to hold, which for some reason made Howard go slightly funny on the inside and forget all thoughts of murder in favour of rainbows and bubbles and skipping through flowery meadows with some dark-haired little lady he didn't know yet but hoped he one day would, thoroughly and Biblically. Coco rudely invaded Howard's daydream by clambering onto the table and banging a couple of saucepans together. "ATTENTION!" he screeched, in an annoying high-pitched voice that made Howard's ears want to leave his body and take a gap year somewhere very far away. "Friends, my cousin Bollo-" ("Third cousin," Bollo corrected hurriedly, "several times removed.") "-has called us here to help him in his quest to rid the world once and for all of the infamous thief known as the Honey Monster." "HE STOLE MY LUCKY CHARMS!" the leprechaun howled. There was a great hullaballoo of noise, all the other weirdo little people and animals talking at once about the big yellow furry and its various heinous crimes. Vince shuffled as close to Howard as he thought he'd be allowed, shivering again and feeling rather in need of a big comforting cuddle. Somehow he felt worse, now, not better. This wasn't the way things were meant to be! He and Howard sorted out their messes on their own! Howard leaned in close to whisper. "This isn't the way things are meant to be," he said, sounding miserable and kind of lost. "You and I sort out our messes on our own!" He looked a bit confused when Vince BEAMED, but Vince couldn't help it, it was just reassuring to know that even when they were in the shit, when their crimp had been stolen and their kitchen overtaken by aggravating cartoon characters, even then they shared thoughts. One constant in this big stupid mess. It was something to hold on to. Something other than the pants, anyway - which, Vince suddenly realised, he was still clinging to from the last time Howard had tried to choke the monkey. (Not like that.) He almost let go, but didn't really want to so he, well, didn't. "Let's just go, then," he said. Howard raised his eyebrows, confused but kind of smiling, too. "Go where?" "Away. Anywhere. Fuck 'em. It's just you and me, innit? We don't need anybody else, 'specially not these little freaks." He plucked gently at the waistband of Howard's little pants, feeling suddenly shy. "I mean, I'll miss the crimping, but... I dunno, we'll just have to find something else to do at nighttimes in our room when no one's looking... yeah?" "Yeah," Howard said. He could feel Vince's fingers just inside the top of his pants. Somewhere in his head fireworks started going off in big gay colours like fuchsia and magenta. Like a slow-motion bad soap opera, he started to lean in for a kiss- -unfortunately, Bollo chose that exact moment (trying to hurry along the 'plot' some more) to get himself a little late-night snack of cereal, and maybe he had some lingering magic on his hands from tidying up Naboo's stock cupboard earlier because something very strange happened when he touched the Sugar Puffs packet. "SHIT, BOLLO, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" Naboo said, emoting with his customary vigour as his little form got swallowed up by the big black shadow of the monster erupting from the front of the cardboard box. All the little cartoons started freaking out, crowing and buzzing and clicking in fear, running and flying and skateboarding away as fast as they possibly could, except Coco who was an idiot and got crushed under the Honey Monster's massive yellow foot. (There was much rejoicing.) "How d'you kill a Honey Monster?" "Grab its balls?" "Vince, that's a kangaroo!" "Yeah, but grabbing anything's balls is gonna slow it down, innit?" But the monster didn't seem to want to have its balls grabbed, not even by Vince Noir, which Vince found incredibly hard to deal with as it was a good solid fact in his life that everybody wanted him to touch their genitalia, as solid as up is up and water is wet. To have this fact casually nudged aside like a leftover crust of cold toast was unsettling, and that made him falter. The Honey Monster smiled its big furry vacant evil smile and grabbed Vince instead. "DROP HIM AT ONCE, YOU... YOU... YOU BIG HAIRY UGLY MONSTER!" The outburst felt like something of an anticlimax to Howard, who had been hoping for something much wittier and more commanding when he opened his mouth to let spew the rising flood of rage. The yellow monster just laughed boomingly and shook its big head, holding Vince by one muddy ankle and dangling him upside-down above his gaping mouth like a tasty oversized Haribo... "Do something, Bollo!" Howard yelled, and Bollo scowled so furiously his glittering black eyes disappeared in folds of fur. "Why? Because Bollo too is big hairy ugly monster?" "Look, I apologised about that already." "Hmph." "Please, Bollo, I know you hate me but YOU LOVE VINCE and he's about to get eaten by a crimp-stealing furry!" "Yeah!" Vince yelled, flailing around and spluttering through the hair hanging in his face. "How're you meant to write a song about that kinda death? Do something! Anything! I can't die like this!" "Grab his balls," Bollo ordered. "No, you idiot, not Vince's. Monster's." "No, mine!" Howard hesitated, hand outstretched. "What?" "Um. I said, wine! Throw wine at it. Red wine stains like anything, 'specially on yellow fur." Nice cover-up, Vince thought, quite pleased with himself, and then his sparkly little braincell suddenly lit up like a billion torches and he screeched, "MILK! THROW MILK ON IT! HE'S A CEREAL-MONSTER!" Howard lunged at the fridge and wrenched the door open, hoping hoping hoping they still had that four-pinter of beautiful creamy full-strength full-fat... but no, they had half a cardboard carton of skimmed, one day over its date. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Howard screamed, but salvation came in the shape of a big homosexual tiger. "Stroke it!" the tiger said over its shoulder as it scarpered with the last of the cartoon cowards. "It's gets bigger if you stroke it! It's GRRRREAT!" If this didn't prove his love, Howard thought, wanking off a carton of turned milk, then he'd just give it all up and settle for the merman. It grew in his hands, though, swelling and bulging alarmingly until he could barely lift its throbbing weight. A white trickle dripped from the top down over his fingers. "Vince!" he yelled. "Lean back! You don't want this all in your face and hair!" Vince did a painful-looking backbend, wrenching his hair away from imminent danger, and Howard threw the massive carton of milk with a strength and aim he would never find again, directly into the Honey Monster's om-nom-nomming mouth. The beast roared, then made a funny glugging noise, then melted into a puddle of yellow gloop. Vince landed in it and shrieked hysterically because it was in his hair after all, and it was such a horrible piteous heartbreaking sound that Howard completely forgot he hated to be touched and threw himself at Vince for a bonecrushing comfort-hug. "Erk," Vince said, after a minute. "Flnahg." "What?" He loosened his grip slightly, and Vince heaved in a massive desperate breath. "I said, ow." "Oh. Sorry. Erm." "Oh LOOK!" Vince said, excitedly interrupting Howard's awkward manly stammering. "It's the crimp!" He plunged his hands into the lumpy goo and lifted the crimp out, cradling it tenderly in his arms and nuzzling it like it was a little teeny tiny pet fluffy kitten. Howard let his arms slip from round Vince's body and sat back slightly. Of course he was happy Vince was still alive, of course he was, but he was also three nanoseconds from giving himself a Chinese burn to soothe his INNER PAIN now they had the crimp back because surely Vince would take back that thing he said before about other things they might be doing alone at night in their bedroom, now. "Hey," Vince said. He was smiling a little bit, all crooked and lopsided like he was nervous, which was funny because when was Vince Noir ever nervous? He put the crimp down beside them and took Howard's hands. They stopped itching to mutilate his arm at once. "Hay's for horses." "Permission to make a joke about riding you?" Howard thought for a second. "Denied." Vince's face fell, but his smile picked it back up when he realised Howard hadn't pulled his hands away yet. Eventually, after a lot more awkwardness, and a very well-needed shower, they had blistering hot fluffy sex (Vince was on top, if you must know) - but that's another story for another time. end.

[cbcanime]

Cause I’m bored :D

Britt: Hello everybody. For no particular reason, I decided to make a list of Ash's traveling companions ranked from favorite to least favorite. These are just my personal opinions, and I’m bored. So here ya go!~

I’m also putting this on Tumblr instead of DeviantART because I talk about Pokemon characters waaaay too much over there haha....^-^”

ALSO, I respect anyone’s opinion who’s different than my own as long as you respect my opinions as well :D

1. Dawn-

I loved how Dawn was a co-star to Ash and got entire episodes dedicated to her and only her. I also found her contests more realistic and exciting to watch than May's. 

2. May-

Other than May's contests, I'd say she was a pretty relatable character. She just wanted to travel the world, and she didn't care for Pokemon at first (like how people in real life don't really like animals.) I also liked her relationship with her brother (despite me not liking Max.)

3. Iris-

Oh, the horror! Iris is a favorite of mine! But in all seriousness, I loved Iris. Tomboy characters are usually the ones I favor over the more girly characters, but Dawn stood out to me more and that's why she's my #1 and not Iris. I also thought Iris was bad-ass. Her calling Ash a kid got old and annoying fast but that's the ONLY reason I see for why people don't like her, and I think outside of that she was a pretty unique Pokemon character.

4. Clemont-

I liked Clemont the most out of Ash's male companions, because he was the first one who felt like a best buddy/bro to Ash. Brock and Cilan felt more like mentors or older siblings he couldn't really relate to, but Ash and Clemont I'd say, bonded well and felt like they were closer to equals (even if Ash was worshiped by damn near everybody in XY.) His gag got old, but pretty much any character who has a gag got old super quickly.

5. Lillie-

I think Lillie has had some good character development. She got over her fear of Pokemon and stood up to her mother. Plus she seems like the only female in Sun/Moon that the writers are bothering to put any effort into. I also like her character design. I haven't played very many Pokemon games, but when Sun/Moon first came out, Lillie looked like a spoiled rich girl. I'm glad she didn't turn out to be that way.

6. Bonnie-

Honestly, I just thought Bonnie was a less annoying and more competent version of Max. Her gag got old (just like everyone else's), but she didn't piss me off like Max did, plus she seemed a lot more mature than him despite Max acting like he was "mature" when he clearly wasn't. She also had her own Pokemon, which gave her the responsibility of raising her own. Plus, she's adorable :)

7. Lana-

Again, the Sun/Moon girls don't have a lot going for them, but I like Lana. She's cute and I like her personality and her quiet voice.

8. Brock-

Tbh, Brock doesn't have a lot going for him (to me) other than nostalgia. Just like everyone else's running gag, his got old suuuuuuper quickly. And the fact that he was with Ash in 4 different regions made it worse and annoying. He's still better than Cilan, though. And he could be funny, and he was like Ash's older brother.

9. Kiawe-

I dunno how to feel about the Sun/Moon guys, either. Honestly, it feels like Ash is taking the majority of the screentime like he did in XY, so I don't really care for anyone else besides Lillie and Lana. Kiawe's pretty alright I guess, though. 

10. Sophocles-

Same for Sophocles. I dunno how to feel about him. I thought he was similar to Clemont by a lot, but Clemont has a charm to him that Sophocles doesn't. Idk :/

11. Mallow-

Mallow is just kinda boring to me. She doesn't do much of anything at all in the show. Even Lana does more than her, and Lana hardly does anything, too! It's really sad. I hope the writers pay more attention to her eventually.

12. Cilan-

Cilan annoyed me more than Iris did, yet people still found Iris to be unbearable while giving Cilan a free pass. My favorite thing about Cilan was his voice, cause I really like Jason Griffith. Otherwise, didn't care for him that much.

13. Tracey-

Imma be honest, I almost forgot he existed lmao (like most people do.) Tracey was alright. I didn't hate his guts for replacing Brock like most others did, and I liked that he was an artist (like me) but he was kinda just...there. He didn't do much of anything. He was boring and plain.

14. Verity-

She's ok. Felt like a mixture of Misty and Dawn. Didn’t get a lot of time to know much about her or Sorrel.

15. Sorrel-

Meh. His Luxray died cause of him. Kinda sucky.

16. Misty-

Probably not gonna make many friends putting Misty so low on the list, but eh....I don't really like her. Same with Brock, she doesn't have much that makes her "better" than the others other than nostalgia. She used to be my most hated companion of Ash's till Serena came along, though. I don't hate her anymore, and I don't even dislike her as much as I used to. But I don't think she's all that great, either. People harp on Iris for teasing Ash and calling out his stupidity when he SHOULD'VE been a lot smarter than he was, but then they'll let Misty get away with hitting both Ash AND Brock, and yelling at Ash for being a complete noob. I personally don't think that's fair, but hey. What do I know? Plus, once she got Togepi, she was boring and lifeless.

17. Max-

Max was annoying and he did a lot of things that I hate about kids. He acts like a know-it-all, treats Ash and May like they're retarded, and whines all the time. I hated it. He made fun of Ash for losing the Johto League, and then cries and steal's Ash's badge from him when he beats his GYM LEADER DAD at a gym battle! I just couldn't stand this kid. He had a more realistic relationship with May than Clemont did with Bonnie, but that's probably another reason I didn't care for him. Younger siblings suck. I thought he was OK in the Jirachi movie, though.

18. Serena-

Aaaaaaand lastly, Serena. Along time ago, Misty would've been here instead of Serena, but Serena's fans have made me borderline despise her. I already didn't care for her character, and her worshipers put her in an even worse light for me. But I thought Serena was a boring, girly, passive stereotype who's only "unique" quality is her crush on Ash, anyway. I didn't dislike her immediately, though. In fact, I went the first couple episodes actually liking her and I thought she had great potential. But, that went away. Fast. Plus, her goal...was not that great. Felt like a sexist rip-off of contests. And her "rivals" were incompetent. She beat them every time (not including Aria.) Plus from what I hear, showcases are based off of Japanese idol culture. If that's true, Serena wouldn't get to date Ash anyway. Too bad :/ At least she’s the prettiest I suppose.

I'll add the characters from the 21st movie once I've watched it :)

[lespetitesmortsde]

Sequel to the superhero au maybe?? When you have time 😊

Chloe manages to snag a booth fairly quickly, and orders two coffees and a side of fries before she’s even sat down. She’s not sure how long it’ll take the spandexed lady to wiggle out of her costume (although, Chloe can’t help but let her mind wander briefly about how much help she could give Beca) and into whatever her regular-person clothes are.

Surprisingly, it’s barely five minutes before a bedraggled and growly looking brunette is slumping into the booth across from her, eyes already narrowed, hands in her hoodie pockets.

With a tilt to her head, Chloe studies her. “You’re shorter than usual.”

Beca growls a little, exasperated already. “Converse don’t have as much of a heel as my superhero shoes.”

“Oh, what brand do you use? I’ve been looking for some new ones. Do you know if they make flame-retardant ones?”

Beca just sort of blinks at her, slowly. “Dude, I was joking. The suit adds about an inch because of extra fabric or whatever, I dunno. I’m not in charge of the suit.”

Chloe lets out a sad sort of huff. The server returns with their coffees and a dish of creamers and sugar.

“Oh my God, you already ordered coffee?” Beca’s glee is undeniable as she leans forward to cup her mug and inhale the steam rising from the mug. “You might be my new favourite person.”

Amused, Chloe watches Beca sniff the coffee again before taking a small sip. Her nose wrinkles and she reaches for the cream and sugar.

“I know that, like, the quality of the coffee has nothing to do with you, but it still kind of reflects on your life choices, so I’m going back to reserving judgment,” Beca announces, as she pours in one packet of Sweet n’ Low and one 2% creamer. She pauses, raising an eyebrow at the mug like she’s evaluating it before grabbing another Sweet n’ Low and pouring that in, too.

“I guess I’ll have to do better next time,” Chloe says, and then continues before beca can say no, “if you haven’t contracted diabetes by then and are able to leave your bed.”

Beca scoffs and takes a sip of coffee. “What’s wrong with never leaving your bed?”

Chloe’s whole face lights up. “Oh, I wouldn’t mind you never leaving my bed, Becs. I just didn’t think we were there yet.”

The look of panic on Beca’s face is priceless. “I-What-But-I didn’t-”

Chloe laughs and places a hand on top of Beca’s. “Relax. I’m only kidding.”

Relief washes over the brunette and she relaxes against the back of the booth.

Mercilessly though, Chloe can’t help herself. “For now. It’s more of a third or fourth date kind of thing, and this is only the first.”

Honestly, Chloe’s surprised Beca’s jaw only drops a little bit. “This is a date?”

Chloe shrugs, taking a sip of her coffee. It’s not great, but she does feel like Beca was being overly dramatic about the quality. “I mean, we’ve done it in the wrong order. You’re supposed to go for food, then kiss, then go fight bad guys. Or food, fighting, then kiss. But we hit all the requirements.”

Beca’s eyes roll. “I’m pretty sure people don’t include fighting bad guys into their dates, Red.”

Chloe puts her coffee down to look intently at Beca. “We’re not normal people,” she says, leaning in. Unconsciously, it seems like Beca leans forward too, trying to match the intensity. But Chloe leans back to try and lift Beca’s comfort level. “Maybe you haven’t gotten this far yet, but you’re going to try to live a normal life and go on dates and go out with friends and bad guys are always going to pop up when it’s the worst timing ever. You might as well plan for it so you expect it, instead of getting disappointed when they show up.”

Beca’s eyebrows get closer to each other and her lips purse a little. Her eyes get a little more glossy. “That’s… pretty sad, dude.”

Chloe’s saved from having to answer by the server who returns, asking if they know what they want to eat.

“You go first,” Beca says to Chloe, fidgeting as she glances at the menu. Chloe takes in her nervousness and knows that she’ll get like one side salad because she doesn’t want to be any trouble.

“Okay, so we’ll get one bacon cheeseburger with onion rings, one chicken club with yam fries, one pulled pork poutine, and one Cobb salad, dressing on the side,” Chloe orders without even picking up the menu. Every diner has, more or less, the same menu. She glances over at Beca, “Think that’ll be enough?”

Beca nods, eyes wide, mouth firmly closed. She hands her menu to the waiter before Chloe does and waits for him to leave.

“Dude, are you insane?! That’s, like, four meals’ worth of food!” She leans in, keeping her voice low but outraged.

Chloe just looks at her like she’s being ridiculous. “And?”

Beca deflates a little. “That’s going to be so expensive, you can’t buy all that, let me chip-”

“Nope,” Chloe pops the ‘p’ with finality.

“But-”

“No.” Chloe lets a little steel edge into her voice. “You’re hungry, I’m hungry, I’m good for it, I invited you here, and I don’t want either of us to leave without being fully satisfied.” She adds a flirtatious wink because she can, and Beca almost instantly leans back, blushing.

The server returns before Beca can respond, sliding a basket of hot, salty fries onto the table between them. He also deposits a bottle of ketchup and a side dish of mayonnaise before gliding away.

“Wait, we didn’t order these,” Beca says, slapping Chloe’s fingers away as she reaches for a fry. “Ugh, he’s out of earshot.”

Chloe snakes her other hand around to snag a fry.

“Chloe! Those aren’t ours!” Beca admonishes, looking around frantically for someone to rectify this mistake.

That’s about all Chloe can take before she bursts out laughing around a mouthful of fry. “Becs, I ordered these when I came in with the coffees. That’s why none of our meals have fries. Well, potato fries. I got all the sides because I didn’t know if you had a preference yet.”

Again, Beca colours, shrinking a little in her seat, squeaking her butt a bit against the red vinyl upholstery. “You could’ve said something before I tried to give back our honest fries.”

“Now, where’s the fun in that?” Chloe asks, taking another fry for herself and offering the basket to Beca. The brunette levels a soft glare at her, Chloe can tell because she’s been on the receiving end of a few of Spider-Man’s glares before, and this one doesn’t carry the same heat. Beca takes a fry.

“So, if this is a date, is this where you take everyone for the first date? A neighbourhood diner with questionable coffee and an evening of flirting and sass?” Beca grumbles a little as she dips a couple of fries into a pool of ketchup Chloe’s squirted into a corner of the basket.

“Please,” Chloe states, “my date game is much stronger than this. If we were on a date, you’d know it, and you’d be begging to come back to my place after.”

Chloe takes great satisfaction from the fact that Beca visibly gulps, and in doing so, almost chokes on the fries she’s eating. Chloe’s very intuitive, if a little blurry about borders, so she can see the dusting of fear in Beca’s eyes. But, there’s also no mistaking the teeny sliver of interest.

Instead of trying to fill the silence as she usually does, Chloe lets the silence build and for the first time she can actually hear the music the diner’s playing. She doesn’t know whether to groan or laugh when she realizes it’s “Chloe” by Emblem3.

It appears Beca’s also recognized the song because she wheezes a bit with a smile on her face and Chloe decides that while it’s not a very attractive kind of laugh, it is pretty endearing and clearly genuine. She likes it.

“I didn’t know they took requests for the music here, Becs,” Chloe says, pointing a fry at Beca’s face.

The pleasure drops from Beca’s face. “No, I didn’t-”

“It’s okay, I don’t have a sister, and you’re not the first one to try to woo me using this song, but I’ve already told you, Becs,” Chloe pauses for a moment to build the suspense, “If you want in my bed, all you gotta do is ask.”

This time, it’s Beca’s turn to be saved by the server, who’s brought a friend to help carry all of their food to the table. Chloe digs in, as soon as they step away, cutting each sandwich in half before grabbing half of the club and taking a bite. If there’s one thing that distracts Chloe, more than everything else that is, it’s food. Especially since she got her firepower, but even before, Chloe’s always loved tasty things. Now, she has the metabolism and the energy expenditure to really indulge. It’s good and bad, because if she’s ever unable to light it up, her eating habits will kill her within a few years. Probably.

Beca’s shy about the food at first, choosing to nibble a little at the salad even though her face scrunches up with every bite. Chloe looks up from what’s left of her half sandwich and pauses just long enough to tell Beca, “Oh my God, please eat something so I’m not alone in this and also because there is a ton of food on this table.”

So Beca grabs half the burger and a few of the onions rings and finally loosens up.

It only takes about fifteen minutes and one coffee refill for the ladies to finish their congratulations-for-not-dying, after-battle snack. Chloe leans back into the vinyl with a contented sigh. “So good.”

Beca nods, echoing the sentiment, “Yeah, really fucking good.”

They wait a few more minutes in post-food silence before Chloe starts digging out her wallet. It’s still a little warm when she gets it, but seems to be intact. She opens it up and pulls out a few twenties, happy that they haven’t spontaneously incinerated inside the wallet from the heat.

“Ready to go, Becs?” Chloe asks, already sliding out of the booth.

“What?” Beca asks, clearly full of surprise. “Oh, yeah, of course, you probably have other things to do tonight,” she scrambles out of the booth quickly.

“Relax, Becs, if you still want to hang out, we can,” Chloe reassures her, pulling a napkin from the dispenser and stealing a pen from the servers’ station. She writes down her number and hands it to Beca. “Just give me a call, or send a text, you seem like someone who prefers to text. I have to go before transit shuts down, and I assume you do, too, but we can pick this right back up any time.” Chloe smiles warmly at her new friend. “We don’t even have to fight anyone beforehand.”

Beca hangs onto the napkin like it’s precious, and her cheeks flush a little before she asks quietly, “What if we save the fighting bad guys for after dinner?”

If Chloe’s surprised at Beca’s reference to dating, she doesn’t let it show. “I think I can make that work, as long as the kissing comes after the bad guys.”

Beca nods. “Yeah, I think that’s the best order, too. That way you don’t have to stop.” Beca slaps her hand over her mouth like she can’t believe she said that.

Chloe laughs, “Exactly,” she agrees. “Glad we’re on the same page, Becs.”

The two walk out of the diner.

“Don’t forget to use that,” Chloe reminds her, gesturing to the napkin Beca’s still holding onto tightly.

“I won’t,” Beca promises. Chloe turns to walk away, but then thinks better of it.

“What the hell,” she says and kisses Beca, for real this time, on the lips.

It’s quick, definitely a peck even though it lingers a little, and Beca barely has time to register that it’s happening before it’s over.

“Until next time, Spidey,” Chloe blows her another kiss and sets off into the night.

Beca stumbles backward, hitting her head against the brick wall of the diner. “Ow, fuck.” She doesn’t dare take her hand off the napkin the entire trip home.

[ephemerational]

Nightmare (III)

My hand reaches for a Teabag, carefully lifting it by the string, slowly guiding it towards the humungous Mug in front of me, capable of holding 40 oz worth of space at least. The bag rips. There is now tea on the floor. Mildly annoyed, I grab another bag, but it too empties its contents onto the ground before it reaches the mug. The same thing happens a third time and a fourth, and a fifth. I start taking handfuls of teabags and throwing them at the mug, but it is too small and too far away to hit. This is bullshit. Pouring hot water directly into the box might work. The pain is agonizing as the boiling liquid hits my throat. Blood starts dripping out of my sleeves, then flowing, then gushing. There is blood on the floor. The mug is empty. I think it’s empty. I can’t see it anymore.

My eyes open, not than it helps much, seeing or rather not seeing how it’s too dark to even make out what room I’m in. Crawling around on the floor I find a wall and with it a light switch. The mystery location turns out to actually be the kitchen, minus blood on the floor. What even was that shit, I don’t fucking drink tea. I take a can of the squirrel’s shitty beer from the fridge and open it.

Lo’s room and the kitchen are separated by multiple doorways and a staircase, which makes the fact that I somehow got here without eating shit even once a miracle of cosmic proportions. “to not breaking my face” I lift the can into the air and take a swig. Might not taste like much, but bathed in sweat and shaking all over it sure as fuck is refreshing. Maybe mom’s onto something. Further inspection of the fridge reveals half an omelet and some kind of sausage, which isn’t a bad breakfast by any stretch of the imagination, so with a plate and another can of the michelob (momchelob) ultra, I return to my room.

Lloyd is asleep, as to be expected at (my monitor floods the room with blinding cold light, as I wiggle the mouse around) four in the morning. He seems to not have noticed the sound of the door opening, or the sudden change in brightness. Either that or he’s ignoring it, both of which I’m fine with.

There’s a notification. Update on Lo’s weird ironic D-void. Maybe I should apologize to him for eating all his shit. On the other hand, he'll probably assume one of his guests is responsible if I don’t say anything. Seems less bothersome.

Lo’s D-void, of which no one except me and maybe Jerald knows that it’s Lo's D-void, or would ever think it was for that matter, as the posts on it where so meticulously planned, impeccably written and profoundly ironic, that they seemed to an outsider like the downright sincere work of someone who was pretty much the exact opposite of Lo. In fact, it was so unimaginably in-fictional-character that it had attracted a rather dedicated and not at all small fan base consisting primarily of angsty teenagers, which the good one probably doesn’t care too much about but I think is hella cool in a way.

The fact that Lo still values my opinion on his writing is also hella cool, even though it’s ironic and stylistically very different from anything I’ve ever put to physical or digital paper. I click on the link to “breakfast and breakdown”, a name that I came up with (original name was “eschaton exemplified”) and am still very proud of. It greets me with... A freaking poem, this fucking madman, like fuck.

Selfish The door opens and life floods in Quickly, I close my mouth. No use. It seeps in through my pores instead The unendurable cacophony of shrill, meaningless sounds, Voices, noises and ambiguous stuff in between Cheerfully chipping away at my eardrums The vivacious, burning mayhem of distorted, bright things Shapes, shades, and amorphous, cruel creatures of light Callously clawing at my eyeballs The fear patiently creeps in, through my eyes, ears, pores Crumbling, creaking, I sink to the ground Hopelessly holding my head One radiant being steps toward me Sickly beige, it wants to talk “I’m scared”, says the thing Sitting next to me, its glow hurts Wordlessly I crawl back into It’s radiant, roaring nightmare.

This is just some next level shit. I make the horrible, unforgivable and life ruining mistake of scrolling down into the comments. Just a bunch of fucking retards, talking about how this is totally what their human experience amounts to, how it’s worse than death on every level and how they just avoid interacting with anyone. Like did you read the same poem I read? Is the title really not hint enough for you to get the point and realize what a hypocritical asshole that makes you? Jesus fuck! I had told Lo on multiple occasions that I didn’t get how the stupidity of his followers doesn’t frustrate him, especially since he refuses to explain his posts. How do you get joy out of fucking with people and making fun of them if they don’t realize that that’s what you are doing? I start typing a private Message to the good one:

“Dude, this is rad, like a fucking masterpiece but you’re really wasting it on these depressed Idiots.”

Instant reply as usual

“I was one of those depressed assholes, I relate. One day they’ll do like me, seize their bullshit and start being awesome.”

“People don’t do that. Nobody does that. You pulled that phoenix out of the ashes shenanigans and I’m not even convinced pre “Lo” you was actually real and I was like there. Partially responsible for all that shit that happened to you even. Fact is you are wasting your skill.”

“Nope, that sure happened and you are complicit as hell in his death, can’t talk yourself out of that one. You used to be a fucking asshole.”

“Also talkin’ about wasting potential? Get some self-awareness bro. When did you last write something?”

“Yeah, I get it, but you obviously turned out fine. Dunno, two months ago?  I’ll have you know that “put a bullet through my head and call me Jesus” is in the works. Inspiration’s a bitch though.”

“That’s a shit excuse and you know it”

“You know what? I’m gonna work on it right now! I had some booze, some psycs, I should be way in the fucking zone.”

“Sweet, won’t hold you up any longer then. I have to prep some shit anyways”

Fuck. The sad, yet undoubtedly factually correct truth is that the soon to be world famous and critically acclaimed webcomic sensation “Put a bullet through my head and call me Jesus” is not in the works, but exists solely as five lines worth of notes on a piece of paper somewhere in my room (maybe lost) and has contributed to reality in this form for two months or so after I wrote the idea down in a drunken stupor. This won’t do. I crack open the second can of Momchelob (it makes a soothing zschhhh-sound) and go about changing this depressing state of affairs.

[despairforme]

halloween 2017.

     ❝ It’s Nnoitra, right? ❞ A smiling nurse questioned, making eye-contact with Nnoitra. She was small, almost a meter shorter than him, so she had to crane her neck to meet his eye. She also looked like was approaching retirement. Or - how old did nurses get? Nevermind that. Why the fuck was she talking to him? She hadn’t done that before ( at least he didn’t think so? ). He’d gotten to know several of the nurses around here, seeing as he spent literally all his time here, not wanting to leave Grimmjow’s side. Being really recognizable, and having a unique name, all the nurses seemed to remember him, even the ones who hadn’t personally talked to him. Nnoitra assumed straight away that the woman wanted something from him. Why else would she start a conversation?

     ❝ Yeah? ❞ He almost added ‘ what do ya want ‘, but remembered that these people were nice. Everyone at the hospital had treated him kindly, so he should at least try not to be an asshole.

     ❝ I’m sorry to ask you this, but - Do you have any plans for Halloween? ❞ Nnoitra’s expression was a mild version of ‘ what the fuck ‘ to that question. How the fuck was it her business what he was going to do tonight? Oh, and anyway, it wasn’t like he was going to do anything. He had to stay here, of course. Which sucked, since Halloween was his favourite holiday. He would’ve loved to go to the fair, like he did every year. But, that obviously wasn’t happening this year. Sigh. Not that he was complaining! He was HAPPY to stay here! Of course! Grimmjow needed him. ❝ You see, we have several children who would love to go trick-or-treating, so we have arranged for them to walk around throughout the rooms and receive candy from the patients who have agreed to participate. We just really need some adults to escort the children, if you understand? ❞ Trick-or-treating? At the hospital? With kids? Wait --- Was she saying that HE was an ‘ adult ‘? What the fuck? First of all, he was NOT fit to be taking care of kids! Especially not sick kids! Nevermind that they were inside a hospital, that was beside the point! Did she honestly look at Nnoitra and see a responsible adult? Or, maybe everyone else had declined her offer, and so now she was totally fucked, and Nnoitra was the last resort. His face must’ve given away his skepticism. 

     ❝ It won’t take long! We even have a costume you can use. Nothing too scary though, since some of the children are very young. ❞ Oh, so now she wanted to dress him up too? Nnoitra literally couldn’t believe the situation he was inching towards. Was he going to actually babysit? Holy fucking hell! 

     ❝ Ah... I dunno. I ain’t never done nothin’ like that before. I ain’t good with kids. ❞ This was an understatement. Nnoitra didn’t like kids. He didn’t understand them. He didn’t know what was okay to say to them, and what was not. Then there was the fact that he swore a lot, without even thinking about it. Wasn’t that a no-no thing to do around kids? He had hoped that his answer would make the nurse give up, but, on the contrary, it just seemed to encourage her. What the fuck!

     ❝ Don’t worry about that! They are very sweet, I’m sure they’ll love you! ❞ What the fuck did she know about that, huh? She didn’t know jack shit about him! He wanted to tell her that, but her smile was widening by the second. This was a major crisis! ❝ If you follow me, I’ll show you the costume. One of the parents brought it along. It might be a little small for you, but that’s alright! ❞ Exactly why the fuck she was so enthusiastic about it, Nnoitra didn’t know. And, why, in the FUCKING HELL he was actually following her - that was a mystery too. He could’ve told her to fuck off, right? He had done that to people lots of times. Maybe he was accepting this ‘ job ‘ or whatever, because she was being nice to him? Or because he liked feeling needed? Or maybe he just thought that Grimmjow would get better treatment if Nnoitra did a favor to the staff? Hell, he didn’t know.

     Not long after, he was dressed up in a too small, brown coat. There was a red sash tied around his waist, and he was wearing a white shirt ( which, again, was too small ). His black pants got to stay, as well as his boots. To finish the look, a large hat was placed on top of his head. Yeah - a pirate costume. Great. So much for him dressing up as a Zombie this year. Nnoitra looked a bit helpless as he held his arms out, as if to ask ‘ is this okay? ‘. The nurse clapped her hands. ❝ Wonderful! You look like a real pirate! ❞ That was definitely an overstatement. She held out a black eyepatch for him, and Nnoitra took it, holding it up to see the size of it. Then, he handed it back to her, shaking his head.

     ❝ 'S too small. Ain’t gonna cover all’a my scar. ❞ He gestured towards his face, and the large eyepatch that hid his ugly eye. ❝ But I still look like a pirate, yeah? ❞ Why the fuck did it matter though? The nurse smiled and nodded eagerly.

     ❝ Now, let’s go meet the children. ❞

     The kids were all gathered in the ‘ playroom ‘, or whatever the fuck one would call it. They too were dressed up. There were four princesses, a fairy, two witches, a mouse(?), a ballerina, a clown, two vampires, a spiderman, a hulk and a pirate. So many kids! How the fuck was he supposed to look after all of these!? ❝ Hello, everyone! ❞ The nurse had taken on a different tone, Nnoitra noticed. So that was her ‘ talking to kids ‘-voice? There was no way he would be able to make that sort of voice. He didn’t know how to sound all warm and fluffy. Fuck this. The kids clearly recognized the nurse, and the ballerina and one of the vampires even came to give her a hug. Nnoitra seriously hoped he wouldn’t have to deal with that. ❝ Look who has come to visit us! This is Captain Nnoitra. ❞ Wow - WOW?? Captain? What the actual fuck? Was she trying to make him look even more retarded than he already did? Not that he gave a shit what these stupid kids thought of him. Still, he had a principle - people had no right to attempt to make him look dumb. He did a good enough job at that himself, thank you very much!

     ❝ Now, just talk a bit with the children, and then you take them all down the hallway. ❞ She pointed. ❝ You can knock on every door that has a post-it note on it, then, the children will be given candy. They’ve been given bags, so make sure nobody has lost theirs before you go. Have fun! ❞ And, all too soon, she was gone.

     HE WAS IN SERIOUS FUCKING DEEP SHIT!

     What the fuck was he supposed to say?

     What should he do?

     The kids looked at him, and he wondered if he should kneel down or something, to make himself more their size? 

     Seriously... What should he do?

     ❝ Woah you’re the tallest pirate I’ve ever seen! ❞ The Hulk spoke up, and all of the children sort of moved towards Nnoitra, who remained standing, trying not to look too defensive. 

     ❝ That’s because he’s the Captain. Captains are always tall. ❞ The fairy explained. Nnoitra found himself nodding in agreement. Shit --- Maybe he should say something and not just stand there like a moron.

     ❝ Yeah, ya know, pirates eats lots a seafood, so that makes ya tall. ❞ Yeah, fucking brilliant. Brilliant! Who the man? He the man. Teaching kids to eat fish since 2017.

     ❝ I’ve never heard a real pirate talk! ❞ What? Oh - did they think his accent was because he was a pirate? Nnoitra snorted.

     ❝ Ain’t like we come ashore often, ya know? We only get off ‘da ship like... Once a year. ❞ Sounded legit? Well fuck him, he didn’t know anything about pirates! Good thing the only ones he needed to convince was a bunch of kids in costumes.

     ❝ And you want to spend your only day on land with us? ❞ One of the princesses was looking teary eyed, and Nnoitra wondered if he had just made a kid cry. Then, she rubbed her eyes. ❝ We’ll make this the best day in the world for you! ❞ What was happening? What the hell was happening? The kids had swarmed him now. Spiderman had wrapped his arms and legs around Nnoitra’s leg, and held on, trying to climb up. Oh, right - spiderman. Climbing as his thing, right? Nnoitra hesitated.

     ❝ Spiderman can climb a ‘lil higher than that, yeah? ❞ Then, he picked the kid up. Nnoitra was strong, so placing the boy on his shoulders was no problem. Surely, he had never gotten a ride that high? The boy cheered. 

     ❝ I want to try too! ❞ That was one of the clowns. ❝ Me too! ❞ And a vampire. ❝ Me too me too! ❞ And so on and so on. Nnoitra didn’t have a fucking choice now, had he? He couldn’t exactly tell them to fuck off? It ended with him giving the kids turns, and he almost got a little worn out from lifting them all. He gave the little pirate ( he was the youngest ), an extra long ride, and explained that pirates are bros. After this whole session, the kids had gotten really comfortable with him, and were bombarding him with questions: Did he ever hit his head in doorframes? Why was his hair so long when he wasn’t a girl? What happened to his eye? Didn’t he eat enough onboard his ship? Could he fire a canon? How big was his treasure chest? What was the name of his ship? There were so many questions! Nnoitra did his best to answer them ( in a pirate-like-way ), before he remembered that he was supposed to take them all trick-or-treating. That would ( hopefully ) stop all the questions!

     ❝ Alright, alright. Now, how ‘bout we go look ‘fer some candy? Pirates love candy. ❞ Everyone cheered to that, and one of the talkative princesses told everyone all about what candy she liked, and what she didn’t like. Said princess wanted to hold Nnoitra’s hand ( he didn’t get a say in it, she just took his hand ). His other hand was occupied by one of the witches. And so, like that, Nnoitra, and ALL the kids, walked down the hallway, until they came to a door with a post-it note. ❝ This looks like a good place ‘fer candy. ❞ Nnoitra explained. ❝ Who wants ‘ta knock on ‘da door? ❞ Everybody was quiet. What was the deal? Was it  too scary? Jeez, did he have to do everything around here? ❝ C’mon, Hulk, yer strong, yeah? Ya knock on ‘da door. ❞ The green-painted boy gasped before nodding bravely. Then, he knocked on the door. A ‘ come in ‘ sounded from the other side, and Nnoitra had to let go of the princesses’ hand in order to open the door. Everyone was quiet, so hell, Nnoitra supposed HE had to say it? ❝ Trick or treat? ❞ That was the ‘ go ‘ signal, apparently, because all the kids flooded into the room. Two smiling patients were waiting there, with a good amount of candy, that was soon handed out to the kids. Luckily, everybody had remembered their bags ( Nnoitra had totally forgotten that part ). The patients pretended to be very frightened by everyone, and complimented them on their costumes. Nnoitra just stood by the door, not sure what he was supposed to do. There was no candy for him, right?

     After a few minutes, they were done with that room, and moved on to the next. Considering it was Nnoitra leading the parade, everything went really smoothly. It did take quite a while though, but ey, it wasn’t like it was as stressful as he’d thought it would be. All he needed was to hold hands with some of them, and then stand by the door while they collected candy.

     Oh, and in the end, when all the rooms were visited, everyone gave a bit of their candy to Nnoitra, so he ended up with treats for himself. That, he had to admit, was pretty fucking great! What wasn’t so great was that everyone wanted a hug too... He could’ve gone without that. Still, he endured. Not exactly the Halloween celebration he had wanted, but better than nothing, for sure. Now, he could go back to Grimmjow’s room, and share the candies with him. A lot of the kids didn’t like sour candy, so Nnoitra had gotten a lot of that, which he knew Grimmjow liked. Nice. 

[shsl-shipper-gamer-fangirl]

For @skiretehfox's Maximus AU which is one of my favorite iterations of Max (and it's how I found your blog!) I fell in love with her at first sight and this is me singing praise and thanks for creating her and the whole AU. I hope I didn't write her ooc and if I did, please correct me. Anyways, here's the fic, enjoy!

Maximus Victory

Maximus was never one to be bothered to make an effort. In fact, she's given up trying altogether. She's learned at an early age that effort is futile but it's not because of the ratio of attempts to failures, rather the opposite. Everything was just so easy to achieve and so predictable. The world was dictated by patterns and to accomplish a goal was to simply follow the set path with predetermined rules. Perhaps that's why the only semblance to excitement there was in life for her was when she's bending the said rules or when there were hardly any restrictions in the first place. Either works and since she gets bored easily, she doubles in both.

She majors both in Law and in the Arts, Photography in particular, at the same time. There's a reason why she specializes in both of these areas. Manipulating the laws of legality was interesting enough to work as a brain-teaser for her on good days. Manipulating the laws of photography to get that perfect shot can be entertaining and fulfilling at times. And then there's the hidden third Major in Time, manipulating the laws of space and time just because she can.

No, she didn't fucking stutter. She has time powers, deal with it.

It's a rather dull story if you asked Maximus and although it was surprising at the time, that excitement obviously didn't last for the rest of her life. Actually, that got her the time powers in the first place: the end of her life, or at least it was supposed to be. Coming from a prestigious family has its own downsides aside from the boring parties filled with pretentious adults pretending to give a shit. For Maximus, she got kidnapped at the age of ten. The criminals weren't even professionals and ended up accidentally shooting her. She would have died too or maybe she did die but her rewind just overwrote that history. Needless to say, someone other than her ended up with a bullet on that day.

Rewinding time? What-the-fuck-ever. She doesn't give a shit.

Having time powers got old real fast. It was nothing that extraordinary for her as mastering any other skill. Within weeks she learned how to prevent the nosebleeds and within months, she could rewind for more minutes than she'll ever need to. She's confident that she knows how it works and mastered all of its tricks so much in fact that whatever thrill she felt on the first time had long since died along with the timeline where she's supposed to be dead. The supernatural aspect of it has been normalized and has now become routine. In short, she got bored. She started to think that whatever this was just might be the most exciting experience she'll ever get.

Her boring days carried on until she turned eleven and she attended a charity event in Seattle with her parents. She absolutely loathed these social gathering of hypocrites and if she had a choice, she wouldn't be here at all. Unfortunately being a kid meant less free will on her part but at the very least she was allowed freedom to separate and roam on her own. The exhibit wasn't even that interesting but it will have to do rather than the annoying adults that filled it. As she easily weaved through the groups of people she would have nothing to do with, she eavesdropped on voices that only spoke of bullshit.

Until she heard a voice that seemed to carry an IQ that was higher than the room's average.

"What an insult." The voice belonged to a girl with long blond hair and a scowl that matched her disgust. She's standing by one of the art booths and muttering to herself far too loudly and condescending. "No one's actually here to donate for the arts. Everyone's too busy kissing ass with people instead of actually admiring the displayed masterpieces." She glared at the room in general with great disapproval that Maximus couldn't help but approve.

"Masterpieces?" She smoothly took a spot beside her with an amused smirk. "Point me at one when you see them."

The girl turned to her, most likely surprised that someone would comment on her not so inner monologue. Her cheeks were tinged red with embarrassment but she quickly masked it under the guise of anger. She's certainly a proud one. "Well of course I didn't mean all of these!" She gestured to the entirety of the room and then crossed her arms. "There's no such thing as a gallery filled with only the best works. More than half are usually dull stud shots just trying to catch a ride on the greatness of the actual good ones."

Well she's not wrong although Maximus wouldn't want to inflate her ego by admitting that. At least this girl knew what she was talking about and she had the backbone to speak them out. Her eyes shone with the slightest of interests. "Huh, is that what you think so?" She tested her, intimidating.

"That's what I know so." The girl confidently replied and with a raised chin, she beckoned her, "And? What do you think?"

Maximus blinked. That's new. So there truly existed a person who wouldn't shrink from her. This girl could hold her own ground and who was Maximus to deny her conversation? "Hmm..." She hummed shortly and then pointed to one photo in particular. "Well this guy's trying too hard to go for Avedon-esque."

It was unexpected but the girl's face lit up at the mention of the photographer. It was so bright and instantaneous that Maximus could have sworn that a flash literally went off. "You know Richard Avedon? He's my hero!" She started excitedly and even jumped a bit when she fully turned towards her. When she realized that she had forgotten the proper but also boring TPO, she quickly composed herself. She held herself back but the embers in her eyes continued to glow warmly. "I mean... ahem, yes it is rather distasteful at how poor his attempt is. It's an absolute disgrace. I can't believe this crap is even here."

So this girl apparently also knew how photography worked and Maximus is impressed because that's already more than most of the guests' actual knowledge of the art. "And how would your attempt be?"

"Obviously better than this amateur." She scoffed and there was something with the way she said it, the power in her voice, that told her that she wasn't just all talk. "See, the technique is just..." And then she proceeded to expound on how to pull off an Avedon photoshoot.

And although Maximus was not one to socialize, she thought that she didn't mind spending time with this girl.

"Maximus Caulfield." She finally said after their fourth conversation. There was a small but noticeable proud grin on her face. This girl had earned the right to her name and frankly, she enjoyed her company. "It's a fucking relief to know that there's someone here who isn't a retard."

The girl just nodded in agreement. "Likewise. You aren't just air yourself." Despite her proud attitude, there was a clear underlying tone of approval in her voice. "If you don't already know, I'm Maribeth Chase. I suppose you can call me Mary for short."

"Mary, huh?" She rolled the name across her tongue experimentally. Something about the name just didn't sit right with her and she wracked her brain as to why. In the end, she couldn't figure out the reason but she did figure out a new nickname. "Nah, I think I'll just call you Vic."

"Vic?" She repeated and with obvious confusion written on her face. "Why Vic?"

She shrugged. "Dunno. It just feels right."

"Well I'm not the only one going home with a stupid nickname, Maxine." She eyed her levelly.

"It's Max, never Maxine." Maximus shot back and then smirked. "I think we're going to get along just fine, Vic."

They got along more than just fine, so much in fact that their parents already arranged for them to get married in the future.

Not like that made any difference since Maximus wasn't planning on spending the rest of her life with anyone else. She already spent her first eleven years with boring complacency and she'd be damned if that lasted any longer. So they meet again at another gala the next month and then after, they scheduled a meeting without the crowd of overaged morons. Maximus found Vic interesting enough that she dropped from her current school and transferred to hers. Vic couldn't believe what she did at first but she may have half screamed half squealed when her parents confirmed the fact. Maximus later found out about it and teased the hell out of her cute blushing face.

By the time that Vic got her pixie cut, they were already dating. The confession wasn't as much romantic as it was spontaneous.

"Date me." Maximus just suddenly dropped out of nowhere during an ordinary drive to the coffee shop.

The confession was just so unexpected that it almost passed by Vic's head. Almost. In a few seconds, her brain stopped and so did the car as her foot slammed on the brakes. Her head turned and faced her, gaping. "What did you just say?"

"Eyes on the road, partner." Maximus teased. "Did you know that most car accidents happen because the driver is looking elsewhere?"

"Oh, don't you pull that shit on me." Vic snarled and Maximus smiled wider because even Vic's angry face was cute. She didn't share her same amusement though. She glared harder. "Did you just say what I think you said?"

"Sorry, did I stutter?" Maximus leaned in close, so close that their noses were almost touching and their breaths were warm and mixing, and oh god it was intoxicating for Vic. In a seductively low voice, Maximus whispered, "I said fuck me."

A delectable shiver ran through Vic's spine and Maximus' teeth showed. There's also the obvious coloring of her cheeks but Vic was adamant on powering through this. "Maybe I'll think about it when you say what you actually first said."

"So that's a yes on fuck?" Maximus grinned devilishly.

Vic's blush burned to a darker shade as she stammered, "F-Fuck, Max! Just say those goddamned words already!" And in a softer, more shy voice she whispered, "I just... I just want to hear them and know this is real." And that's Maximus's signal to quit messing around.

She schooled her face into one of seriousness as she gazed deeply. No more fucking around. "Date me, Vic." Before Vic could answer, Maximus' lips were already on hers. And when she pulled back, she faintly heard the reverent whisper of a "yes" that she pulled from Vic's lips. Maximus licked her lips with pride. "We're gonna fucking rule the world together."

As much as Maximus would have loved to skip to the part where they rule the world, Vic thought it was imperative for them to continue their education and this was non-negotiable. So fast forward to now where they're in college. At least they share an apartment so she thinks it's not all that boring. Maximus still doesn't give a shit about things but Vic does and she makes it a point that Max knows.

"Max, get your lazy ass up already or you'll miss your defense." Vic scolded her for the nth time this past ten minutes. "Don't make me throw water at you because you know I will if you don't get up in the next thirty seconds."

"And ruin the bed? Where ever will we sleep then?" Maximus gasped playfully.

"Obviously I'll be taking the sofa and you'll be sleeping on the cold hard ground. Twenty seconds." Vic tapped her foot irritably by the bedside.

"Hey, don't talk about our floor like that." Maximus pouted. "Besides, it's more comfortable than you think. The coolness is perfect for the summer weather."

"It's officially winter in two weeks. And no, you're not getting any extra blankets to touch our impeccable floor." Vic pushed. "Ten seconds."

"Vic, it's eight in the morning. My defense is at nine. There's no need to rush. Besides, the prof is just as tardy as I am anyways." Maximus reasoned but Vic was having none of that.

"Five seconds, Max." She announced tersely and raised a glass of water threateningly.

Maximus immediately shot up at the last second, reached for the glass and downed the whole drink. "There. Now where's my morning kiss?" She smiled lopsidedly.

"That hardly bears merit for a reward." Vic scoffed as she took the glass and set it aside on the bedside drawer.

Without warning, Maximus leaned forward and pecked her on the lips. "I'm taking it anyways." She grinned toothily.

Vic's already used to Maximus' impulsive displays of affection but she never did learn how to tame her blushes. "You're insufferable." She muttered but not with a small smile.

"That's so sweet of you to say, thank you." Maximus replied with a chuckle that ended shortly when she growled lowly, "So where's my morning makeout session?"

Vic blinked. Her eyes quickly flitted to the clock and then back to her girlfriend, debating. She bit her lower lip in thought as Maximus licked hers in anticipation. Until finally, Vic let out a sigh and leaned forward. "Fuck it. Ten minutes tops."

Maximus just grinned in victory. "Negotiable, right?"

And sure, life was still boring as hell most of the time and Maximus could still never be bothered to make an effort. But it's moments like these that make her consider otherwise. Maximus couldn't care less about anything but Vic worries about everything. Life has been less boring with Vic around and Maximus will do everything within her power to keep this life. Whenever she thinks of Vic, she thinks that maybe she'd like to at least try. Effort has never been her thing but maybe that's just because she didn't have a reason worth it before— before Vic. It's different now and maybe she's changed as well even if only just by a bit.

Maximus puts in a little more effort nowadays and even more so when Vic rewards her.

[lordofthebigtimesupernatural]

I am in love with your single dad Shiro au. It makes me unbelievably happy whenever I see a new update. I don't know if you're taking prompts right now but if you are, what would Shiro and Keith do if one of Keith's friends started mixing with a bad crowd? Thank you for being an amazing writer and for giving us this wonderful series.

Hello there! Thank you so much for this ask! It was hard to write, because I couldn’t make anyone be so bad! Ah, but I hope this was justifiable and everything was good! I do hope you like it and I apologize for being so late in getting this. I wish I could just write one shots for you all forever, because I love this AU and it warms my heart that others love this AU! I made this a bit longer than usual, so hopefully that makes up for it! Please enjoy! (Also I have your other prompt and I am working on it among others, thanks for the reminder ask!)

x.V.x

              “So,what were you and Pidge doing with those guys today?” Hunk asked, taking a biteof his sandwich when he noticed Pidge finally joining them. For the last coupleof days Pidge had started making excuses of why they couldn’t hang out atlunch. Sometimes Pidge was feeling sick, or they had a project that was duesoon, or Pidge’s robotics club had a meeting.

              Sure,they were sixteen and Hunk seventeen now and growing up. As they got older,they knew their lives were going to start dividing into different directions.Which meant there would be less and less time to hang out, and Hunk didn’t mindit at first. But Pidge was consistently avoidinghim and Keith lately, and that was bothering Hunk.

              Hunkdidn’t know if Keith was too bothered by Pidge’s absence.

              “Oh um,I had to study for a test.” Pidge shrugged tiredly, scratching at the back of theirhead. Keith snorted into his lunch and ignored the glare sent to him from Pidge.

              “Oh,well hopefully you do good.” Hunk tried to smile, in hopes that the awkward tensionwould break. Pidge merely shove their hood over their head and slumped againstthe wall, across from Hunk and Keith. Thankfully Lance was out sick today,because Pidge didn’t feel like dealing with himtoday. “Um, so, what’s with those other kids?”

              “Whatkids?” Pidge frowned.

              “Theones you’re hanging out with.” Keithrolled his eyes while Pidge hissed. “Those stupid druggies that are your newfriends. What are you even doing with them anyway?”

              “Shutup.” Pidge growled and Hunk shrunk back in his seat, but Keith didn’t back down.“You don’t know anything. They’re myfriends.”

              “Really?I didn’t know that you would stoop that low.” Keith snapped back and went backto eating his sandwich. He missed the icy glare look that Pidge gave him, butHunk didn’t and he leaned away from Pidge in surprise. Hunk looked down at hissandwich and Pidge frowned in guilt for a moment, before schooling their faceinto one of anger.

              “Youwouldn’t know anything. You never can get your head out of your ass.” Pidgeslammed their hands on the table, finally startling both Hunk and Pidge. Theygrinned in satisfaction before walking away. “They’re better friends than youcould ever be, at least they know how to be a normal person.” Pidge quicklywalked away before they could even begin to feel the guilt for saying such athing like that to Keith. Even Hunk was watching Pidge in horror at theirwords, and he swallowed thickly when Pidge left the cafeteria with a loud bangof the doors.

              Hunk glancedover at Keith to see him throwing away the rest of his uneaten lunch.

              Oh no…

x.V.x

              “Hey, Pidgeon.”Pidge winced but looked up at the person who had spoken to them. Lotor, anotorious “bad-boy” of the school, was what some considered the “dark prince”of their ragged group of friends. Lotor was well known for his defiance ofauthority in schools. From skipping class to graffitiing the lockers and schoolbuildings; to smoking in the back lots of the school and vandalizing any storehe came across. Lotor was practically a legend and for a time, when Pidge wasfeeling low, he was in awe of the other teen. There seemed to be nothing that could take down Lotor and Pidgewanted that.

              Aftertheir older brother ran away from home without a word, Pidge didn’t know whatto feel. There was no note, no phone call or explanation about why he had left.Pidge’s parents couldn’t get a hold of him, Pidge or even Keith’s dad with allof his resources. No one had any idea of why Pidge’s brother would just up andleave in the middle of the night and everyone was in their own sort of anger orsadness of the situation. At first Pidge had been furious.

              How could their brother just leave him likethat? How could he not even say goodbye? Pidge had been angry, wanting tosmash and destroy anything in order to let out their anger. They tore up allthe photos they had of their brother and tried to tear up their brother’s room,before their mama had started yelling at. Then Pidge tried to take their angerout at school

              Theyfound themselves secluding away from Lance, Keith and Hunk and found themselvesmore and more alone. Always having an excuse for their absence and theirfriends took it without question.

              ThenLotor approached them.

              He hadseen Pidge defiantly destroy an entire chemistry project when a teacher hadmentioned their brother and he was impressed. He wasn’t quite expected thatfrom someone as little as Pidge.Before Pidge knew it, Lotor had grabbed them and they were a part of Lotor’sgroup. They were coming along when Lotor and the others decided to ditch andthey had never felt so exhilarated before in their life. Screw you Matt, look at me. I don’t need you. Soon enough, Pidgewas also coming to their back lot and destroying things with Lotor in theothers and it made Pidge smile.

              Theycould finally release their anger and stop being a perfect genius for once.

              ThenPidge just felt sad.

              All oftheir anger was gone and all that was left was sorrow that was so deep andpainfully, that it left Pidge exhausted. Just coming to school was exhaustedand Lotor was always where Pidge was.And then when Pidge finally joined their oldfriends, they found themselves getting angry again, and Pidge would wind upback in Lotor’s group. It was a vicious cycle that was wearing the teen out.

              “What?”Pidge rolled their eyes, flicking the butt of a cigarette away from them. Theyhadn’t smoked it too much, rather just let it burn.

              “I sawyou at lunch with those group of losers.” Pidge sighed heavily while Lotorsmirked. “I gotta say, I’m impressed. You finally told that freak what he was. Finally.” That was not what Pidge was expecting.

              “What?”Pidge blinked with a frown. Lotor laughed, voice scratchy from years of smokingand his red eyes narrowed on Pidge.

              “Youtold that Keith freak, to finally be normal.” Lotor laughed, causing the restof his goons to also laugh alongsidehim. Pidge swallowed thickly. They hadn’t thought that anyone had heard them.Admittedly, they had hoped that Keith hadn’t even heard them, but if Lotorheard then there was no doubt that Keith had heard too. “Like fuck, that guy isso weird. I mean, he never looks at anyone? He’s always stumbling around like afucking retard. Mumbling all thetime. Isn’t that what he is?” Lotor laughed again and Pidge’s insides twistedat Lotor’s words. He’s talking aboutKeith.

              “No.”Pidge said through clenched teeth. “That’s horrible to say. Keith is fine.” Pidge pushed back their guilt.They knew how Keith felt about his autism. Normally, Keith could care less butwhenever he was told by someone that he wasn’t normal, Pidge knew it always affected him.

              “Oh youdon’t have to fake it.” Lotor snorted with a wave of his hand. “We all knowwhat you said. He’s a freak. Just admit it. Anyway, you’re coming to our raidtonight, right?”

              Pidgeswallowed thickly. “I dunno…”

              “Oh comeon, Katie.” Lotor dropped hiscigarette under his boot before snuffing it out. “You said you were one of usnow right?” He grinned darkly, before throwing his arm around Pidge’s shoulder.Pidge winced and looked at Lotor before sighing. Lotor knew perfectly thatPidge never went by Katie nor were they a girl.

              Eventually,Pidge nodded, even though they really didn’t want to. Lotor’s grin was almostpredatory and he laughed. “Excellent. Make sure this little girl is ready torock by eleven tonight!” Lotor announced and Pidge’s stomach dropped.

              Guys, I’m sorry.

x.V.x

              “Iseverything okay Keith?” Shiro asked when he noticed his son pushing around hisdinner rather than eating, and it was Keith’s favorite dinner. If Keith wasn’teating something was either wrong or today was one of Keith’s bad days.

              Keithmerely shrugged and continued to push around his food.

              “Are yousure? Is everything okay at school? With Lance, or Hunk? Pidge?” Shiro askedand Keith remained silent. However, Shiro could see when Keith’s entire bodystiffened at the mention of Pidge’s name and Shiro knew they had to do withKeith’s mood.

              “What’sgoing on with Pidge?” Shiro asked gently as he gave his full attention toKeith. Keith’s face momentarily morphed into a scowl before he shoved his plateaway.

              “I don’tknow. Why don’t you ask them yourself?” Keith grumbled under his breath andShiro sighed. He was fully aware of what had been going on with the Holts. Matt’ssudden disappearance had left a hole in everyone’s hearts and confusion. Shirocouldn’t understand why Matt had left so suddenly and without any sort of awarning to his family. Not even Matt’s friends could explain what had happened.Shiro knew that the reality must have hit hard for Pidge and would have been aheavy weight to bear for anyone, especially someone as young as Pidge.

              “What’s goingon, Keith?” Shiro shifted so that he was complete facing Keith. Keith merely grumbledand tried to avoid any sort of eye contact with his dad, but eventually even hecould not get out of this. Finally, Keith sighed and looked at his dad.

              “Wehaven’t actually seen much of Pidge.” Keith admitted and Shiro blinked butrefrained from interrupting his son. “I mean, they’ve been at school, but wehaven’t actually seen them. They’ve been making excuses of having robot club orstudying for a test or being busy.”

              “Okay.”Shiro nodded when Keith hesitated. “I’m guessing you didn’t believe any of it.”

              “Maybeat first?” Keith rubbed his arms. “But eventually their excuses didn’t add upand then…Lance saw Pidge hanging out with some sketchy kids.” Keith shrugged, continuing to rub and Shiro sighedtiredly. He should have seen this coming. A stressed young teen who had just found out their brother is missing?

              “Whatkind of kids?” Shiro hated to ask.

              “Like Lotor.” Keith mumbled and glared at thetable cloth and Shiro swallowed thickly.

              “Youmean Zarkon’s kid? The one who’s beenvandalizing buildings, schools and homes?!” Shiro almost didn’t want to believeKeith but why on Earth would his son ever lie? Though, that didn’t make Shirofeel any better about the situation. He and many other parents were well awareof Lotor’s destructive behavior within their small neighborhood. The kid was apunk and needed to be taught a lesson but Shiro never bothered to get involved.As long as nothing happened to Keith, it wasn’t really any of Shiro’s business. But now Pidge was involved.

              “Yeah.” Keith whispered.

              “And…haveyou talked to Pidge?” Shiro asked and bit his tongue when Keith noddedmiserably. Of course he did. Why elsewould he look so sad? “And I’m assuming by your mood, Pidge didn’t reallylisten to you.”

              “No.They said they like hanging out with them.”Keith spat bitterly. “But they’re miserable! So how am I supposed to talk tothem about how miserable they are if they are a stubborn butthead?” Keithcrossed his arms over his chest miserably and Shiro chuckled to himself.

              “Remindyou of anyone?” Shiro asked playfully and Keith rolled his eyes.

              “Dad,this is serious.”

              “I’malways serious. Look, this is my serious face.”

              “Dad!”

              “Keith!”

              Knock.

              Keithand Shiro both shared a look at the sudden knock on the door. It was fairlylate in the evening and neither of them were expecting any guests at all thisevening. Shiro’s look instantly darkened as his protective nature leapt intoaction. Keith nodded and Shiro went to the door while Keith hung back.

              However,of all the people that Shiro was imaging just outside of the door, none of themwere Pidge Holt. Standing in the rain, soaked to the bone with a hood overtheir head and face as pale as a white sheet.

              “Pidge?”At this, Keith was instantly by Shiro’s side with wide eyes upon seeing hisfriend in the cold.

              “There’snot a lot of time. Lotor picked your house!” Pidge suddenly yelled, eyesdarting around as if looking for something. Shiro’s eyes narrowed and Keithswallowed, looking out into the dark streets. He knew what Pidge meant and thatwas never good. “Lotor targeted your house! He’s coming here! I tried to stophim but he won’t listen and I had to warn you.”

              “Lotor?Whoa, slow down. Pidge calm down and explain.” Shiro tried to soothe the youngteen quietly.

              “There’sno time! He’s going to wreck your house!” Pidge finally shrieked and Shiro’sentire face became an uneasy look of anger. One that made both Pidge and Keithstep back. It was the look of a Commander. A soldier. A protector.

              “Not onmy watch.” Shiro growled. Then he pulled Pidge inside and slammed the doorshut.

x.V.x

              “Youthink, a punk like you can get away with this? Just because your father is Zarkon?!”

              Pidgeand Keith both shared a look before snickering at Shiro’s booming yell fromacross the house. However, quickly they both looked away and awkwardly waited.Shiro had been well prepared, and had scared Lotor and his goonies, shitless, when he stepped out of hishouse with a gun in hand. Un prepared, Lotor had tried to flee only to becaught by Shiro himself and dragged into the house without breaking a sweat.While Shiro was waiting for the police, he didn’t hesitate to reprimand andtake the time to yell at the usually snarky teen.

              “Oh boy,if you’re quaking in your boots now, just wait until you’re in jail for trespassing.”

              Keithfelt his lips twitch in a smile. Pidge glanced over before swallowing thickly.They couldn’t bring themselves to look at Keith; not without an endlesssuffering of guilt for how they had treated their friend. Their real friends. Not Lotor.

              “Pidge.”Surprisingly it was Keith who broke the silence and Pidge stared at the ground.“Pidge, could you…um, would you sit with us from now on? Instead of Lotor? He’san ass and we miss you. I miss you.”

              Pidgefound their throats closing and their vision was becoming blurrier and blurrierfrom the tears in their eyes. How couldhe be so forgiving and so kind after all I’ve said to him? How could he be thiskind?

              “Keith…I– I’ve been awful to you? Why would you…” Pidge swallowed and their eyesburned.

              “Well, I’mnot the nicest person either.” Keith shrugged and Pidge sniffled pathetically. “Iknow I’ve probably said a lot of mean things on accident before so it’salright. Besides your our friend. My friend and I miss you.” Keith admittedquietly kicking at the ground and Pidge finally looked over at him. Why? However, Pidge found that theycould hardly speak and instead did they last thing that they or Keith had everexpected. They threw their arms around Keith and buried their face in Keith’sshirt.

              Startled,Keith blinked and was frozen for a few minutes before he hesitantly began tohug Pidge back. He awkwardly rubbed Pidge’s back when they began to snifflehappily and smiled. Pidge was back and we’regoing to make sure they never leave again.

              Keithwould always be there for Pidge.

              AndPidge would always be there for Keith.

              “That’sTakashi Shirogane, sir, to you!”

[vincepaige]

Response to Buzzfeed “36 Questions Women have for Men”

Before I jump to any fast conclusions or start insulting you, let me just take my time to answer those questions with the least amount of swearing possible for me.

1. “How does it feel to be the same sex as Donald Trump?” I dunno. Why would I care? Oh, he has a penis and so do I, that makes me a bad person now? I am also the same sex as Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi and several other people who are/were working on making this world a better place for mankind. So? Does this automatically make me a good person? Fuck, no. You’re the same sex as Paris Hilton, does that mean you also have a brain that’s propably the size of an apple? Okay, fine with me.

2. “Why do you hate Romcoms? Or do you just feel like you need to hate them? - Everybody likes The Notebook, everybody likes Beyoncé, it’s just a fact.” I don’t hate Romcoms, I’m just not too big on the matter because I am usually not interested in the topics depicted there. Plus, you like to get mad about video games or porn, because you think they depict women in a way that is unrealistic and gives men unrealistic expectations that women can’t fulfill. Now, tell me: what do Romcoms and this kind of stuff do? Do they depict men in a realistic way or maybe in a way that YOU fucking wish was true to real life? Hm, I wonder why men wouldn’t like that. Do men cry about it all the time? I guess not, what a fucking surprise. Now don’t get me wrong, there are really, really good Romance movies, Hunting and Gathering for example is fucking good, but maybe that’s because it’s based on a novel by Anna Gavalda, who is just a good writer. Anyways, I didn’t like The Notebook, and I also don’t like Beyoncé. Fuck Beyoncé. It’s called opinions, I don’t know if you heard of that.

3. “Why do you make women sit around and talk about men in movies, when y’all easily just sit around and talk about boobs for hours?” Who? Who the fuck talks about boobs all the time? Since you’re not a man and thus don’t actually know what men talk about when there’s no women around, let me enlighten you: it’s not boobs. We talk about our personal interests, cultural topics like music or art, our hobbies, our experiences or current events. Maybe sometimes the topic of boobs will come up, but it’s not the big thing you make it out to be. Men don’t always think about sex, even if that’s what you have been told. I know a lot of women who talk about dicks and their sexual experiences a lot, too, so I don’t get why men talking about boobs is a bad thing.

4. “Why do you automatically assume that you won’t like a TV series or movie that starrs a female lead?” I don’t. I liked the Hunger Games movies a whole lot, for example. What about the new Star Wars movies? The thing is: I personally know that I won’t like something like the new Ghostbusters movie, because there’s women just crammed in there, not because there is a female lead. I couldn’t even give less fucks about the main character’s sex when I watch a movie.

5. “Why are you surprised when women are funny? - I’m propaly funnier than you!” You know what my reaction to a funny woman is: I laugh or, if it wasn’t that funny, chuckle. How did you even come up with this question? There are a lot of funny women. If you want a good answer to this question, watch the video The Amazing Atheist has made on this topic, I think it’s called “Tumblr feminists” or somtehing like that. There he explains that humor is basically something we use to cope with dark topics such as war, racism or stuff like that. We laugh about dark humor because it shows just how absurd our world is. PS: the woman in the video who said she was propably funnier looks and acts like she has no sense of humor at all. I don’t even think she’s funnier than my 4-year-old stepnephew.

6. “Why do you think we are obsessed with you when we hook up? - 9 times out of ten, I just want you to leave, too. I’m busy, I got shit to do.” I call bullshit. You know, sometimes, when two people hook up, one person might decide they want more from the other person than just having sex with them. To be fair, that happened to me at least three times so far. So, if this is a possibility one has to consider, it only makes sense to take caution, right? Right. I don’t even want to argue about this topic. PS: what shit do you have to do? Make stupid videos crying about being oppressed by the patriarchy? Jeez, I’m starting to insult you, and we are just 1/7 done. Oh boy.

7. “Why can’t I sleep with as many people as I want to without being judged? When men do it, they are congratulated.” By whom? Do you really think men celebrate with their friends when they managed to have sex with a woman? I’m going to tell you a secret, but you have to promise you won’t tell anyone, okay? We don’t. We talk about it, and sometimes, we are like “Nice, man”, but not like “Wow, you banged that slut”, more like “it’s nice that you had sex because sex is something people really fucking enjoy”. Do you get my point?Secondly, nobody cares about your sex life. But if you have sex with a whole lot of partners, it will eventually be disgusting at some point. Do you want to have sex with a guy that stuck his dick in, like, 100 different meat flaps? Yeah, that’s what I thought. PS: I don’t think you noticed that most of the people that do “slut shaming” or whatever the fuck you guys call it, are women themselves, who think they are better people or more pure than others by telling them they’re sluts.

8. “Why do you consider a woman a tease if she doesn’t sleep with you after three dates, but a slut if she sleeps with you on the first date?” Let me repeat myself: Who? Which guy even thinks like that? Were there no more cliché things you could think of that in some magical cliché-world men are thinking?

9. “In what world does “no” mean “yes”? - “No” means “no”!” So you’re talking about rape now, huh? Fuck off. I’m not gonna talk to you about rape, because people like you have made the word lose it’s meaning.

10. “Why do you say women are too emotional to be leaders, then justify catcalling by saying “men just can’t control themselves”?” I’ve never heard a man say either of that. But if you want a somewhat logical answer: women are naturally more inclined to show their emotions, which is something that can be seen by looking at facial expressions and the way of speaking. When women talk, they usually express a lot more of their emotions through facial expressions, as well as the tone of their voice. Listen to a man and a woman say the same sentence. The man’s voice will mostly stay the same, whereas the woman’s voice will change tone and pitch a lot more. As a political leader, you don’t always want other people to know what your thoughts and feelings are.

11. “Why do you think that just because you are nice to me, I owe you my body?” I don’t. You don’t owe me your body, even if I give you a new sports car as a gift. But if I am being a nice person, and a woman I find attractive is a nice person, too, and it seems like we are getting along well, is it really that far off to come to the conclusion that it might be okay to make a move? A move that doesn’t include force, that is. In today’s society, being nice doesn’t seem to be a basic human trait anymore, so it takes some effort to always be nice to a person. There are people out there who think they deserve a fucking medal for being nice, and they are wrong, but if I am nice towards someone, it’s most likely to gain their affection. So yes, if I am nice to a woman, that sometimes implies that I would like to sleep with that woman. If she’s being nice, too, I might be led to assume that she thinks similarly, so some people get frustrated if their expectations aren’t met.

12. “Why would you ever send an unsolicited dickpic?” How about you don’t ask men in general, but the people who do this? It’s not like all men are just taking pictures of their genitals and spreading them around the world, retard.

13. “Why do you think it’s okay to harass women, but when somebody does it to your sister, it’s not okay?” WHO? Who in the world says it’s alright to harass anybody? 3rd wave Feminists just like to overreact to everything, calling a guy tapping their shoulder a rapist and shit like that. What you think is harassment is NOT harassment in a lot of cases. Not gonna argue about that either.

14. “How does it feel to interrupt me when I’m in the middle of making a point during a meeting?” You make it sound like MEN ONLY interrupt WOMEN ONLY. Here’s the cold, hard truth for ya: Everyone gets interrupted sometimes. You’re not that fucking special.

15. “Why do you have to sit with your legs spread wide open? I get that you have balls, but you don’t see me walking around with my arms spread open to make room for my boobs.” A: Because sitting with your legs spread is comfortable as fuck. B: If our balls were located elsewhere on our bodies, so they wouldn’t be squished between our legs when we sit down, we wouldn’t do it as often. If your boobs got squished by your arms, you would spread them all the time. Did you even think about that question for the fraction of a second? PS: Do I complain about women taking up more space with their enormous bags? Or about fat people taking extra space with their, you know, fat bodies?

16. “Why are women perceived as the “weaker sex”, even though we literally birth you?” Congratulations, your body is able to do what it was designed for. I guess you women are better at giving birth than men. Listen, on average, women don’t possess the physical strength of men. That’s just biology. If you want to be perceived as strong, build up some muscle, or do something that makes men look strong, for example: become a construction worker or join the military. What, you don’t want to do hard physical labour all day or risk your life on the battlefield? Women are statistically much less likely to lose their lives during work, because most dangerous jobs are taken by men. (Women make up 47% of the workforce but only account for 7% of the work-related injuries.) If you want to be perceived as strong, why don’t you do something else than sit in a comfortable, propably air-conditioned office, making videos about why you hate men and why the world is so unfair?

17. “Why is it so bad to show your emotions? - It means you’re human.” I am raging at you right at this moment. Rage is an emotion. Fuck you. I already answered the question why it seems like men show less emotion. Oh, and maybe it’s because of fucktards like you, who tell us to “man up” and drink out of mugs that say “male tears”. You’re starting to contradict yourself there. Boys are often being told that “boys don’t cry” and other bullshit like that. If a man shows too much emotion, it’s perceived as a sign of weakness. You talk about privilege all the time, but has it ever crossed your mind that women are privileged because they can show their emotions anytime they want without having to think about social consequences or being called a pussy or a faggot by other members of our society? Let me ask you two questions: How often have you heard someone say “If you were a real man...”? And how often have you heard someone say “If you were a real woman...”? That’s right. You make statements that you think are absolutely true, because you think you understand how this world works, yet you don’t seem to put ANY thought into these questions.

18. “Why are you always trying to prove your masculinity to me?” Look at my answer to the previous question, you egocentric fuck. Have you thought about the slight possibilty that people just behave the way they do because they enjoy behaving this way instead of trying to impress you. You are a selfish cunt.

19. “Why the fuck isn’t it ladylike to cuss? When did words get gendered?” It’s also not gentlemanlike to cuss. Cursing is not a “man thing”, if you want to curse, than fucking go ahead, I don’t give a shit. But cursing is generally impolite, EVEN IF A MAN DOES IT. Do I have to spell everything out for you? And when words got gendered was propably the same time 3rd wave feminism was invented. Before that, nobody gave a fuck about “genders”. There were men, women and transgender people, and everyone seemed to be alright with that.

20. “Why is your first instinct to doubt women who have been sexually violated or raped?” Because accusing someone of fucking rape is a big deal. Even if he’s proven innocent, his reputation will be severely damaged, and in many cases, their lives are ruined. So, it doesn’t really make sense to give the maybe-victim the benefit of the doubt. There is this thing called “The Assumption of Innocence”, which means that someone accused of any crime is legally innocent until proven otherwise, which is the right way to do it. It’s kinda like this “pics or it didn’t happen” thing, but more serious. If you accuse someone of rape or sexual violence, you gotta have proof. Also, you throw the word “rape” around, calling every fucking tiny thing rape, it’s lost it’s meaning and maybe that’s why people do not believe rape victims as much anymore.

21. “Why do you assume that a woman is angry because she’s on her period?” I don’t, usually I’m trying to comfort my female friends when they tell me they’re on their period. But, to give you an answer: a lot of women (not all women!) are easily irritable during their period due to hormones, and that’s why men tend to be careful or blame bad moods on periods. Maybe women should talk about why they get angry at their significant other more openly instead of expecting them to know what the deal is. “Oh, he should be able to figure it out!” Yeah, no. Fuck off. I’m not a mindreader, so you either tell me what’s wrong or you deal with it by yourself.

22. “Why do you think women that wear makeup are false advertising? We could say the same about your dick size.” Are you actually comparing those two things? It’s not hard for a woman to enhance her facial features using makeup, while on the other hand, I don’t even know how I could make my penis look bigger than it is. It’s not like I can put some foundation and some highlighter on my dick and make it look two inches bigger, you retard. 23. “Why isn’t it weird that there’s a bunch of old white men, sitting in a room, making legislation about what I can and can not do with my body?” It would be exactly as weird if it was a bunch of black men, so mentioning that was not just unneccesary, but also pointless. To make this portion of your sentence viable at all, you have to make assumptions about people based on their skin color, which is racist. Don’t dare to try and tell me otherwise, you have to be a racist to make this work. Do you expect to fight racism with racism? Plus, those are the people that your country voted to make legislation. There have to be laws in a country, and I don’t know of any law that restricts you if you want to do stuff to your body. Oh, and wasn’t it a room full of white men that decided women should be allowed to vote? 24. “Why are straight guys so obsessed with lesbians?” Well, I personally am not. But it’s easy to figure out. Let me refer to the explanation ShoeOnHead did in one of her videos: straight men are attracted to women. Lesbian porn features two (!!!!) women at once, naked and doing sex stuff. It’s two of a thing a straight men likes, together. Why is it strange to like that? Also, lesbian porn is the kind of porn most searched by women. Why are women so obsessed with lesbians? And even more important: why are many women so obsessed with gay guys?

25. “How does it feel to get kicked in the balls?” If you can’t figure out how it feels to get kicked in one of the most sensitive regions of your body, you must be pretty dumb. But let me explain: sometimes, the pain is so intense, that the body releases adrenaline and other chemicals to numb the pain immediately, so sometimes it might even take a few seconds for the agony to kick in. Other than that: try to imagine a severe pain in your crotch, cimbined with the feeling of having to throw up creeping up to your stomach. There are cases of people throwing up or blacking out after getting kicked in the balls, so there you go.

26. “Don’t you ever get tired of trying to be manly all the time?” Who says I am even trying to be manly? And: don’t you ever get tired of trying to be “womanly” all the time? Don’t you get tired of putting on all this makeup and wearing high-heels? To answer your question: not really. It comes naturally to most men, because, well, they are men.

27. “Why are you so afraid of gender equality?” Who the fuck are you talking to? And do you even know what the fuck you are talking about? To quote Dr Shaym: “You cannot pretend to be a movement for equality when you are only concerned for the issues of one gender and completely disregard or downplay the issues of the other. It’s that simple.”

28. “Why do I deserve to be paid less than you? - In what world does 77 cents equal a dollar? - In what world does 68 cents equal a dollar? How is this fair?” Apart from the fact that the number even changes randomly, I have something for you to watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjWBXbGVyQU For those of you who are to lazy to click an this link and watch a video that’s about half a minute long: the wage gap doesn’t exist. It’s based on statistics that don’t take into account: -the different jobs of the people surveyed -the hours worked -that men are more likely to ask for raises and promotions -that men retire later -that men are less likely to take time off -that men are more likely to work overtime among other factors, meaning this statistics mean nothing. Don’t you think if companies could get away with just paying women less, they’d hire women to save money? PS: Actually, there aren’t 36 quesions in the video, because these four questions are basically the same thing. Stop talking about makeup and dicks, because THIS is false advertising for sure.

29. “Why are you intimidated by a woman who makes more money than you? That’s awesome! More money!” I’m not intimidated by a woman who earns more than me. And if more money is awesome, why the fuck are you cunts still bitching about men allegedly earning more than women? It’s more money! I am beating you with your own fucking argument, that’s how bad you are at arguing!

30. “Why are opinionated women seen as bitches, when opinionated men are seen as bosses?” Do you even go outside? Have you ever even interacted with human beings that are not part of your stupid ideology?

31. “Why don’t you speak up when you hear your male friends behind closed doors make jokes that are offensive to women?” Because a) I’m not a woman, so these jokes don’t offend me. b) There’s noone around that would be offended, so why speak up? c) we’re talking about fucking jokes here, alright? Again, I get the feeling that you don’t understand humor. I highly suggest you watch the video by The Amazing Atheist I told you about earlier. Do you speak up, when you hear your female friends behind closed doors make jokes that could be offensive to men?

32. “Why are you so afraid of recognizing your own privilege? It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Just recognize it and do something about it.” Tell me about one legal privilige that I as a man have that you as a woman don’t. Because I can think of stuff that’s the other way around.

[despairforme]

[ msg ] it's going to be my birthday tomorrow --- [ msg ] going to be 21~! --- [ msg ] making booze laced cupcakes, will you want one?

     A groan had Nnoitra pulled from his sleep. How stupid, to wake himself up like that. It wasn’t like there was anyone ELSE in his bed. He rubbed his good eye, and rolled around in bed to lay on his back. There was a spider in the ceiling. He couldn’t be bothered to deal with it right now. It was late. Well - it was late to be waking up. It was definitely past midday. He could tell he’d slept for way too long. He didn’t feel well-rested when he slept for too long. He just felt drowsy. Rubbing his collarbone, he fumbled around with his vacant hand for his phone. He hadn’t checked it yesterday. Not that he ever got any messages anyway.

     Or — 

     The screen showed him three new messages. All from Szayel. Apparently, it was his birthday tomorrow. Nnoitra’s mood lit up. Booze laced cupcakes sounded awesome. Then, he realized the messages were from yesterday. Fuck! That meant Szayel’s birthday was today! This made him sit up in bed. Stupidly enough, he was actually feeling somewhat concerned. Ah, no, maybe that wasn’t the right word. More… Stressed out? Probably just because he’d been imagining those cupcakes, and now, he was going to be deprived of them. Fuck no! It wasn’t too late!

text to Szayel; 「fuck me dude」

text to Szayel; 「didnt c ur messege be4 now」

text to Szayel; 「imma drop by ur place 4 d cupcakes」 

     Nnoitra realized this made him seem really fucking selfish, and he was supposed to be Szayel’s friend, right? Nnoitra didn’t have all that many friends, so the least he could do was be decent to Szayel on his fucking birthday.

text to Szayel; 「+ 2 give u gift」

     Typing the messages took long enough. He wasn’t going to send a ‘ happy birthday ‘ to him over texts. That just seemed stupid. If he was going to see him, then he could tell him. Face to face. That made it seem more… Genuine? Whatever. He didn’t have time to lay here analyzing this shit. He had to get going! He swung his legs out of bed, and stood up with a lot more enthusiasm than he normally would. Honestly, Nnoitra just liked it when his days had a purpose. First things first though - pants.

     Fully dressed, and with his hair up ( it was sunny and warm outside, so keeping his hair away from his neck felt nice ), he locked the door behind him, and headed outside. He really needed to do something about his living arrangements. Living in the apartment he had shared with his ex was so fucking depressing. Not that he had much time to think about that right now. He was just realizing that he’d told Szayel that he was going to give him a present. It slowly sunk in, and he stopped in his tracks, turned around on his heel, and went straight back to the apartment, cursing himself a bit. If he was going to buy a fucking present, he needed some fucking money, didn’t he? Nnoitra never walked around the neighborhood with much cash on him, simply so that, if he was assaulted, he wouldn’t lose too much. Not that there were all that many people who wanted to take on a seven feet tall guy, but, it had happened. Nnoitra had no idea how much he was going to spend, so he ended up bringing with him quite a lot, and his phone, in case Szayel texted him back. Okay, now that he’d stopped being a complete retard, it was time to get on with this mission.

     So… What the FUCK was he going to get Szayel? The two of them had met at a shopping center, and Szayel had taken him to multiple stores, so Nnoitra kind of knew what type of stuff Szayel liked. But - how the fuck was he supposed to know what to buy? Like, that makeup-store for example, it had had thousands of products, and it wasn’t like he remembered what type of stuff Szayel had bought. And, even if he had remembered, it was no use buying something the guy already had. Damn. How long was it since he’d gotten anyone anything? He didn’t think he’d bought a present since getting those band t-shirts for his ex… Last Christmas? Or the year before that? He really was fucking trash at buying gifts. He would blame it on people never getting him anything, but, that would be unfair. He was a really simple guy to buy stuff for. He’d be over the fucking moon if someone got him like a cheeseburger or something. Szayel, on the other hand - he was a rich guy with a weird taste. He wore pink stuff and makeup and weird shoes and… How the fuck was Nnoitra supposed to know what he wanted for his birthday?

     Just the thought of going into any of the stores he had visited with Szayel made him frown deeply. Sure, going there with him hadn’t been so bad, but going alone - that would be weird as fuck. Nevertheless, Nnoitra found himself walking in the direction of the shopping center.

     ❝ Fuck me… ❞ Makeup, hair products or underwear? ALL OF THOSE THINGS WERE WEIRD AS FUCK! Maybe he should just be totally lame and get him chocolate. No - that was the type of stuff you got for girls or someone you liked? Right? But Szayel was kind of a girl? Or? Maybe he should just get him a case of beers. No, Szayel was more of a wine guy, maybe? But Nnoitra had never bought a bottle of wine in his life, so he would have no idea what sort of stuff was good. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. Why was he stressing out so much about this? This all reminded him why he didn’t have friends. He didn’t know how to have friends.

     He pulled up his phone from his pocket, and was almost about to text Szayel to tell him that he couldn’t make it. But… Nah. He wasn’t a coward. He wasn’t going to back down just because he was facing something he found difficult. And, in any case, he really wanted those fucking cupcakes. Oh, and also - he wanted to get Szayel something, he really did. Not because it was the ‘ decent ‘ thing to do, but because he actually appreciated having him as a ‘ friend ‘. He liked being able to text someone who would text him back. It made him feel like a… Regular sort of person. Not some cast-out freak who nobody liked.

     Fine. Fucking. FINE! He was going to fucking surprise the shit out of Szayel. Nnoitra took a deep breath, and then he entered the makeup store he’d visited with Szayel months ago. As soon as he was inside, surrounded by girls ( a lot of them were giving him looks ), he felt incredibly uncomfortable for a second, but then he remembered - nobody here was going to say rude stuff to him. Everyone would just assume he was buying something for his girlfriend, so, if anything, they would be wishing that they had a partner who was equally attentive towards them. Nnoitra snorted, loud enough for the nearest group of chicks to hear. Okay, maybe it was best if he drew his attention to the products. Alright… He was standing in front of a shelf of small, brown bottles. The bottles were rather small, and in different shades of skin-colour, ranging from one which would fit his own pale shade, to a dark, dark brown. Nnoitra assumed that one would buy one to fit one’s skin tone, and he couldn’t remember what Szayel’s skin looked like, so this whole section was a waste of time. Fine, moving on then.

     Next, he saw some… Weird, flat, round… Thingies. They were brown too, and some were pink. What the fuck? There were some that said ‘ samples ‘, and when he opened them, there was powder inside. He poked it, and frowned deeply when the pink-ish powder clung to his finger. He brushed it off on his pants, and immediately regretted that, as his black pants got a nice pink dust where he had touched. ❝ Fuck. ❞ Moving on. The next thing was the weirdest thing yet. On top of the display, was a picture of a large eye, with very long eyelashes. Nnoitra had pretty long eyelashes himself, but nothing like the woman on the picture. Underneath the poster or whatever, was a collection of different… Things. Most of them were black, and Nnoitra opened one that said ‘ sample ‘. When he unscrewed the top, and pulled it up, a weird brush thing appeared. What the shit. He definitely wasn’t getting this, having no idea what the fuck he was looking at.

     ❝ Can I help you, sir? ❞ The voice of a woman caught his attention, and he turned towards her. Her outfit told him that she worked here. Great! Yeah, he absolutely needed help!

     ❝ Yeah… ❞ His dragging tone, filled with hesitation, told her that he was totally lost. She chuckled a bit, and Nnoitra frowned, thinking she was being condescending. He couldn’t cause a scene here though, so he really had to cooperate with her. And also, he really did need some help. The quicker he got this done, the quicker he could get the fuck out of here, and go and collect his cupcake reward. ❝ I was just gonna buy a gift, but I don’t know jack shit ‘bout make-up, so… Yeah, I need help. ❞ None of that was something he EVER thought he would say, and he visibly cringed at his own words. She just smiled.

     ❝ For your girlfriend? ❞ Why did that matter? Did he really look like the kind of guy who would buy make-up for his girlfriend? Did he even look like he had a girlfriend? No reason to let her into his business though, so he would just go with that lie. It didn’t really matter.

     ❝ Yeah. ❞ What else should he say?

     ❝ What’s on her wishlist? ❞ She was still smiling, and Nnoitra was beginning to get used to it. People generally didn’t smile at him, or help him out. Possibly because he never went to this sort of store.

     ❝ Uhm, I dunno. She likes pink. ❞

     ❝ Oh, I see! Then perhaps a pink gift set would be an idea? ❞ Nnoitra tried to look like he knew what that was, while he nodded slowly. Since he didn’t know what it was, he didn’t know if she was giving him good or bad advice. ❝ Come, right this way. ❞ She gestured for him to follow, and he walked behind her like a kid about to get sent to the principal’s office. She took him to the shelf where they kept the gift sets or whatever, and then she picked one out for him. ❝ This one is called the Bobbi Brown Naked Pink Collection. ❞ Nnoitra couldn’t help but snort at the name, and she gave him a suggestive look. Oh, yeah, she thought he’d been imagining his girlfriend naked. Well - he fucking hadn’t. He just thought the name ‘ Bobbi Brown ‘ was stupid. Since he still had no idea what the fuck the gift set was or contained, he didn’t know what to say to her suggestion. 

     ❝ Uhm… ❞ A retard. That was what he was. 

     ❝ Were you looking to spend a little more? ❞ More? How much was that shit in the first place? He couldn’t read the price tag from here.

     ❝ How much is it? ❞

     ❝ 68$. ❞ Sixty fucking eight dollars? Did she have ANY idea how many cheeseburgers he could get for that kind of money? Hell, he could live for weeks on that! Honestly, if she looked at him, did she think he was the type of guy who wanted to spend THAT much money?

     ❝ ‘Daz a fuckin’ lot ‘fer a ‘lil bag ‘a shit. ❞ And, there it was. He couldn’t keep his mouth shut. She looked surprised at his language, but tried to keep it professional.

     ❝ It’s a high quality item. If your girlfriend likes pink, I’m sure she would be really happy. ❞ Again, she gave him that suggestive look. Yeah, a happy girlfriend, that meant sex didn’t it? Did she think THAT was what he was after?

     ❝ She ain’t really my girlfriend… ❞ No, no, no… He shouldn’t start with this. The woman was smiling now, even wider, for some reason. Oh. Did she think he was trying to woo someone? Fuck. How stupid. Pathetic. Why had he come here…

     ❝ Then you should definitely get this, I promise you, if she isn’t your girlfriend now, she soon will be. ❞ Fuck this. He didn’t want to be in this situation anymore. Lying was difficult for him, because he was stupid, and in this setting, he was even stupider than usual. Sixty eight fucking dollars. Alright. If that was what it took to get him the fuck out of here, then so be it.

     ❝ Alright, fine, I’ll take it. ❞

     Nnoitra exited the store with the gift set nicely wrapped in pink wrapping paper. The bag he was carrying it in was pink too. Yeah, this definitely put a damper on him feeling manly in any way. Whatever dude. He was going to be eating cupcakes soon anyway, so who cares? Half an hour later, he would show up where Szayel lived.

     The bag had been thrown away by then, since the logo on it would’ve given away where the gift was bought. Nnoitra had always thought it was exciting to open presents ( the few he had received ), and when he’d gone through all of the trouble to get this for Szayel, he didn’t want to ruin the surprise. No doubt he would be very surprised to see that Nnoitra had gone shopping for him.

     ❝ Yo! ❞ Nnoitra greeted him with a grin, and held out the present, feeling… Kind of good about himself. Almost proud. Yeah, having spent that much money was stupid, but, yeah - what was done was done. Hopefully Szayel would like the gift. ❝ Happy birthday. ❞