#i drew anatomy a lot a couple months ago

[kwyoz]

what if you wanted to draw, but your drawing ability said 'damn bitch u really suck ass at anatomy wtf'.

[uniquedinosaurdreamland]

Ingrid Engen & Mapi León x Reader -Nap-

Hi everyone, this is my first post on here so I really hope you like it and give me some requests please 💛

Ingrid Engen & Mapi León x Reader -Nap-

🌼

It was very rare to be home before your girlfriends got back from training when you were called in for shifts. Being a paramedic in Barcelona meant that when you were on call it was for long hours though the whole night or the whole day. Growing up in London, England, you were immediately drawn to human anatomy and seeing the work paramedics drew you to the adrenaline filled job.

You first met Mapi and Ingrid about a year and a half ago when you were visiting your childhood best friend Keira Walsh when she first moved to Barcelona. Unlike the midfielder you knew Spanish very well from taking it in your GCSEs, and on a night out with Keira’s new teammates you had spent pretty much the whole time speaking to the couple who had taken an interest in hearing about you and what you do for work.

Fast forward about a year of dating the two women. You couldn’t be happier, going through long distance for the first couple of months until you secured a position as an EMT in the busy city and there was never a dull moment.

In the early morning you had left the house before either of your lovers were up, saying a quiet goodbye before leaving to start your predicted twelve hour shift. You drove around with your partner Gabe who had grown up in the city, no major calls starting out making it pretty easy. Though every single time the Q word came up what happened after would never be good.

“Quiet today.” Gabe said causing you to groan as not even a second later you were called to a car accident with multiple vehicles and injured people.

“Idiota.” You said as you turned the ambulance around to the place of the accident. Getting to the scene you were immediately pulled to work taking note of the multiple emergency personnel and blood and bodies scattered around the road with people trying to aid.

It took a long time to calm down the chaos, working on multiple patients that needed to get to the hospital quickly. You worked purely off adrenaline, split from Gabe as you worked on a five year old girl who had pain in her chest and a broken arm. It seemed like the driver of a truck had gone out of control going down a busy highway taking out a lot of cars on the way.

You were used to traumatic calls, you had time to think about everything later but in the moment you had to save the patients that were still alive. After a couple more hours and dropping off patients at the hospital you and Gabe were driving through the streets. The two of you didn’t talk as images flashed through your brain.

The memories of patients some it which you could save but others where people were to far gone to save.

“Podemos traernos del turno? No podemos continuar.” (Can we brought of the shift? We can't continue.) Gabe said to the emergency base knowing that both you and himself were not mentally okay to continue the shift.

Once you got back to the Ambulance base you said goodbye to Gabe and headed back to your apartment, you were called off five hours before your shift was to end and now had the whole apartment to yourself as your two girlfriends were still at training. You made sure to send a quick text to them both telling them what had happened and how you were going to shower and sleep once you got back, knowing they probably wouldn’t see it for another couple of hours.

Unlocking your front door, putting your bags down and heading straight to the shower to scrub the dried blood and sweat off your body from the day. After twenty minutes you were out and dressed in one of Ingrid’s shirts and a pair of Mapi’s old Barcelona shorts, climbing into bed under the covers and immediately falling asleep.

…

Mapi read your text once she pulled her phone out of bag after training, eyebrows furrowed as she read what had happened showing Ingrid who looked over her shoulder. The two quickly showered trying to get home to you as quick as they could, saying goodbye to their teammates before driving to their apartment.

The two women's eyes softened as they landed on your sleeping form snuggled into the covers. Ingrid grabbed your uniform that was on the bathroom floor, taking it to wash while Mapi walked over to your sleeping form. “Hola mi amor.” Mapi whispered, pressing a loving kiss to your forehead.

Mapi smiled gently as you cuddled into her side, still half asleep. Ingrid came in not long after immediately hoping on the other side of you and wrapping her arm around your waist. At this point you were just pretending to be asleep wanting to stay like this forever with your two favourite people.

“We know you're awake.” Ingrid whispered into your ear, causing shivers to run up your spine.

“Leave me be.” You muttered back burying your head further in Mapi’s side, the two women laughing lightly choosing to just let your rest. Mapi moved from her sitting position of the bed to move further down making sure to settle your head into a comfy position on her chest, taking her other lover's hand resting them over your waist.

Ingrid stayed awake scrolling through her phone as you and Mapi fell asleep once again, the warmth taking over. An hour and a half passed and soon dinner time was fast approaching and Ingrid needed to know what you guys wanted. “Min elsker tid til å stå opp.” (My loves time to get up.) Mapi woke up as soon as she heard Ingrid’s voice but like always you stayed asleep.

“Just leave her.” Mapi said, looking at Ingrid.

“I need to know what she wants for dinner.” Ingrid said, sending a pointed look to the defender.

“You know she’ll eat anything you make.” Mapi said as she manoeuvred herself from under you to enter the kitchen, pressing a sweet kiss to Ingrid’s cheek as they started to get dinner ready for the three of you.

Thirty minutes passed and you were brought from your nap by the feeling of being alone in bed, and you were right as you noticed that neither of your lovers were next to you and both sides were cold. Grabbing your phone from the bedside table you saw a message from Keira and others notifications from other apps, moving to respond to your best friend planning some breakfast plans for the two of you.

Walking out of the shared bedroom your senses were met with an amazing aroma of fresh food and your two beautiful girlfriends standing in the kitchen making the food (Mapi messing around more than helping). “Morning sleeping beauty.” Mapi teased, smiling brightly as she realised you had woken up from your nap.

“You're so funny.” You joked back, teasing her even more by dodging her kiss to land on your cheek instead of your lips.

“Oi.” Mapi yelled, grabbing both of your cheeks and pulling her lips to meet yours, giggling into the kiss as she poked at your sides.

You took your seat at one of the chairs at the kitchen island, each of you talking about your day. Not long later Ingrid had finished dinner asking you to set the table, quickly complying so you could eat the perfectly prepared meal. Eating in comfortable silence, with conversations flowing around every so often.

Since Ingrid cooked it was either Mapi or you cleaning up and of course it was decided by a simple game of rock, paper, scissors. “Suck on that loser.” You laughed as you showed scissors while Mapi had paper.

“No best of three-” Mapi tried to argue.

“Elskling.” Ingrid said looking up from her phone, knowing that Mapi had suggested whoever won first had to do the washing up, shutting your idea down of best of three. Mapi pouted as you pressed a light kiss on her cheek before moving to snuggle into your other girlfriend who was waiting with her arms open.

Ingrid was very used to her girlfriends' childish fights, always there to diffuse them, but secretly she loved seeing either you or Mapi’s pouts when you were told off. It took Mapi ten minutes to clean up so soon enough she was back in the living room jumping onto the couch taking you and Ingrid by surprise.

Ingrid had settled herself with her book with you tucked under her arm with your back resting against her side, Mapi slotted herself in between your legs resting her head on your stomach while also grabbing your hand to intertwine your fingers into her hair. Love Island was on so that was playing on the TV. Neither one of your girlfriends liked the show but couldn’t bring themselves to tell you to turn it off due to how much it made you laugh and just how much you enjoyed it.

Your giggles were heard through the room, Ingrid smiling to herself at how happy you were and Mapi finding comfort in your joy as your fingers continued to comb through her hair and glide over her tattoos. You would never grow tired of the warmth Mapi and Ingrid gave you and their ability to make any day 100% better. 

[sangoundercover]

Someone asked me how I draw faces a couple months ago and I never had a good example to show so here‘s a little snippet and some text about how I think while drawing:

I always make a copy of my first sketch in case i mess up. Sometimes I try to do a clean up on a new layer, and it doesn‘t always work out. Not because the lines or anatomy is bad, but because i lost focus and with that I lost the gesture/energy and emotion of the original sketch.

Don‘t try to fix what‘s not broken. When that happens I go back to my original sketch and start again, often I draw straight on that same sketch layer, trying to carefully clean it up, staying zoomed out to stay focused on gesture and emotion instead of zooming in and only seeing individual lines. There‘s no need to completely redraw something on a new lineart layer if the original sketch looks already good.

Other factors can play in too (first drawing of the day, not warmed up, tired after long day) So don‘t force yourself into thinking your first attempt has to work out.

Bonus:

Learning when to stop and start over is not just good for faces, it‘s something that helped me improve at drawing in general, be able to draw faster and more efficiently. I started to adapt this years ago when I drew a lot of short comics.

This is especially useful if you tend to get stuck on specific parts on drawings e.g. one part of a face looks wrong and then you erase,re-draw,erase, re-draw -> repeat for an hour and get frustrated. (i think we‘ve all been there)

This is where you have to learn to STOP and START OVER. Recognizing the frustration cycle before it can happen. Re-Drawing the whole face/thing from scratch instead will often get you better results than trying to „fix“ a single sketch for hours. The longer you spend trying to fix a sketch the less likely you will want to start over because you already put so much time into it.

People often ask me how I draw a lot/fast and this is a big part of how☝️ Learn to stop early and start over if something doesn’t work instead of getting hyperattached to every single line you draw.

[buckybarnesdiaries]

white wolf: “the story of a first date”

first part — second part — third part — fourth part (soon)

© @capsgrantrogers

bucky barnes x reader. ⎢ masterlist.

Sam helps Bucky to ask you out for a date and it's a disaster, but he gets it.

word count: 3.147 words. (not sorry, it worth it, i promise!!!)

warnings/tags: none. bucky being the cutest gentleman in the whole wide world, and sam keeping an eye on him.

author notes: as it happened with the first part, i'm not really happy with the result but i had so much fun writing it and i think that that made this writing perfect, so i hope you enjoy it as much as i enjoyed it. none of my stories contain reader’s body descriptions to be inclusive.

Join the tag list here.

The car stopped because of a red light, a moment where Sam took the advantage to turn at his copilot, glancing at Bucky from top to bottom in complete silence. Analyzing him. The soldier tilted his head raising an eyebrow, showing his curiosity about what the hell he was doing.

“What are you gonna wear, uh?” Sam asked then, maintaining a serious gesture on his face.

“Clothes”. Unworriedly, he put back his eyes to the front window.

“You probably look good naked, but that’s not what I’m talking ‘bout”.

“Just… some jeans, a shirt, and a jacket”.

“And shoes, I guess”.

Bucky turned on his seat towards his friend, squinting confused for the interrogatory. “Who cares?”

“About the shoe—”

“About the clothes”.

“Man, it’s a date! Do you wan’her to remember this night as the night Bucky Barnes shown up as a Russian bum?”

“I’m from Brookl—”.

“Yeah, but you look like mother Russia just spat you to the world”.

Sam rolled his eyes as a sigh escaped his mouth. Shaking his head, he took the next corner to the fifth avenue changing the planes they had in mind. A good outfit meant a good date. A good date meant happy soldier. Happy soldier meant no trouble. See the point? So the Falcon would take care of the Winter Soldier today. If only Steve could see them. He’d feel proud, that was for sure. They visited a couple of shops, finally letting Sam take control over the situation and pick the clothes he would wear for you. He had good taste, everybody knew that, and Bucky couldn’t complain about his choices.

Even less when the distinctive black suit dressed his anatomy to perfection. Spinning around in front of the mirror, he felt different. He looked different. He looked good, but not as he’d like. Holding the bucket of flowers once he was ready, Bucky left his apartment straight to the garage under the building. He was nervous, he couldn’t lie. But he had that sensation inside him that made him believe everything would be okay for the first time since he woke up.

The road didn’t take him more than ten minutes, not really worried about the time given that he had planned to arrive a little sooner than accorded. Life seemed like it was smiling at him, finding a parking lot in the same entrance. Landing his blue eyes on the rearview mirror, Bucky took a last view at his reflection, brushing back his hair as he used to do in the forties. He grabbed then the flowers he bought for you and stepped out of the car, trying to remember the advice Sam gave him. Resting his back against the copilot's door, he waited impatiently for you.

“Hey, you”.

His heart stopped for a second, raising his orbs to the man coming closer. Before he could react, the man in question tucked a hand beneath Bucky's jacket. Patting him down.

“What the hell are you doing, Sam?” He questioned irritatedly, slapping his hands and causing him to laugh.

“Just checking you didn't bring the notecards again”.

“Yeah, very funny…”

“Man, look at you! Should be illegal to look this good, uh?” Sam helped him to put on the jacket again, receiving another slap from his friend.

“Don't touch me”. Scowling, he fixed the flowers in his left hand, wanting them to be perfect. “Anyway, what are you doing here?”

“Watch you till (Y/N) comes. Lemme take a picture, I feel like a proud father on his son's prom day”.

“You're not m— Get the hell outta here, Sam”.

“Fighting again, kids? Should I call your mama?”

As Bucky heard you scoff, his soul abandoned. His pupils dilated. His legs trembled. And he could swear that everything disappeared around him when he watched you going downstairs, swinging your hips unconsciously sensual, with a black dress fitting you like a glove. If this morning Bucky wanted to marry you, now he wanted to spend the rest of his life by your side. Your makeup was on point, just like your hair, not being too formal but enough to run him out of words.

“Steve is off-duty, so, what 'you gonna do, soldier?” Sam mocked, an instant before noticing how pale Bucky was. He couldn't help but slap the back of his neck to bring him back to reality.

“I, uh… flowers… I bought you…”

“You're not Yoda”. Sam whispered as the other offered you the present.

“C'mon, stop messing with him”. You clicked your tongue, right before you drew an adorable smile on your lips, leaning to kiss Bucky's cheek. “Thank you”.

“You're welcome”. He just answered, responding to your same gesture while opening the door for you.

“Such a gentleman…” His playful murmur made Bucky frown and nudge him, trying to stop him from saying anything else and ruin the occasion.

“I'll bring him back at ten”. You joked palming his chest.

“The point is to not bring him back to me”. Sam cackled, shaking his head and taking a step back.

Once in the car turning on the engine, James joined the road after checking you were good. Never in his life he had driven with so much care as if he was carrying a bomb by his side. He set on the radio, not really knowing how to start a conversation, watching you through the corners of his eyes caressing the flowers over your lap. No one had bought you them before, thinking it was a thing that only happened in movies. But then, you met Bucky. An old-fashioned man, making yourself wonder how he was the same the news used to say he was a cold-blood assassin.

“What have you thought?”

“Uh?”

“About the date”.

“Sam told me about a rest—”.

“Okay, okay, Bucky. Pull over”. You couldn't help but burst into laughter, as his face was pale again thinking you were about to step out and end the date.

“Sorry, did I…?”

You swiveled at him on your seat, kissing your teeth and squinting inevitably. Studying his face you knew how afraid he was, and it was the most adorable reaction ever. You could have kissed at that precise instant, but it'd have been a little awkward.

“Where do you wanna go?”

The question didn't take him by surprise, actually. He was still getting used to doing the things he desired and not what other people asked him to do. The restaurant was a fancy place with a distinguished menu according to what his friend explained to him, but it wasn't the kind of site that he'd normally go, or that represented him.

“When I, uh… came back, I discovered that my favorite burger joint in Brooklyn was still standing”. Bucky told you, facing you after finishing the sentence. “They prepare the best burgers of the whole New York and you can decide what ingredients add, and the bread, and the kind of meat. And it still having the original decoration”.

You reclined on your seat, just staring at him talking with that kind of burning passion about something he loved. Puckering your lips, you nodded your chin. The fact that not only he wanted to take you to a different place, but a place that he used to go to when he was young made butterflies flutter within your belly. Bucky wanted to make you part of his future, but also his past. That made the difference.

“Sounds good to me”.

“Really?” He inquired funnily confused, wrinkling his nose and forehead.

“Really”.

The shine that appeared within his eyes made you place a hand on his cheek to urge him to turn his head and drive again. An innocent gesture that provoked him a lively giggle. If that man knew all the things he caused you, he'd have taken the step months ago.

As the night went on and Bucky was losing his shyness, he talked to you about the good old times. Before HYDRA, before the winter, before the war. When he was a kid with no worries more than keeping Steven safe from the bullies. It was nice to disconnect from the present, from the gazes around the two of you, from the back talks, only enjoying your dinner and your conversation. You talked to Bucky about how was to be raised on a farm, surrounded by open fields and animals, to join the army years later. Without going into details that could make him remember the old bad times, you told him about what you used to do, your missions, and how you were wounded in combat after being shot and fell from a helicopter.

Bucky felt confident enough to compare it with how everything started. Falling from a wagon to the snow. But as soon as his voice became lower, you couldn't help but hold his gloved left hand and intertwine your fingers with his. And you could swear you felt him shaking for a brief moment because of your touch.

“So, what, uh? It was a forties trend to jump into the void?” You tried to joke, wanting to feel relaxed.

“Yeah, seems like”. He mumbled curling up his lips. “Listen… I really want to… open up, and I know it’s easier with you because… y’know, you work doing this”.

“Hold on, Bucky”. You laughed waving your free hand, shaking your chin as you closed your eyes for a second. “That has sounded really bad”.

“Wait, wh— Oh, shit, no, no, no”.

For the first time since you walked into the small restaurant, his laughter was lively, unworriedly, honest.

“Take it easy, just kidding”. You grinned, nailing your elbow on the table to rest your cheek on your palm. “But… this isn’t work. We’re not doing therapy, we’re… knowing each other. And I don’t want to pressure you to talk about something you don’t feel prepared to, okay?”

“I know”.

Bucky couldn’t believe how much you seemed to empathize with him, not judging his acts nor his past, not deciding that the date wasn't a good idea nor running away. He couldn’t believe the less importance you were giving to his arm made of vibranium; usually, people used to freak out, to feel frightened somehow about the things it could do. But you were there, fingers playing with the others as if it was the most common and natural act in the world. And, for you, it was. That was you in all your best. Considerate, smart, patient, lovingly. The rainbow after a stormy life. Everything that Bucky needed in his life to start from scratch and be his better version. A shoulder to lean on and a reason to come back home.

“Was afraid of asking you out”. He confessed after some seconds admiring each other. Any person closer would say you had been dating for a long, long time by the way you had to keep silent and not feel uncomfortable.

“Why?”

“You came from war and made your world a place to live. I’m still stuck there”.

“I have my own red flags”. Clicking your tongue, you rolled your eyes.

“Oh, really? Please, surprise me”. Bucky teased you sitting up on his chair, not loosening the gentle grip around your left hand.

“I put the milk before cereals”.

“Oh… Oh, God”. He let out, pretending to be horrified and running a hand on his face. “Goddammit… you’re a monster, ma’am. I don’ think this is going to work”.

“Excuse me?” You chuckled, parting your lips in a breath while leaning over the table to palm his right shoulder. “It wasn’t me who added lettuce to the burger”.

“What? What’s the matter with that, uh?”

“Lettuce kills the savor!”

“Y’know what kills the savor? Ketchup. Today, people use ketchup literally with everything… And that’s disgusting”.

“Okay! Next time, no lettuce, and… no ketchup”.

“That’s a big challenge”. Bucky scoffed tenderly squeezing your hand between his cold fingers.

“I’ll live, Sergeant Barnes”. You narrowed your eyes and crinkled your nose at the same time.

“I was talking about a second date, not about your issue with ketchup”.

“So was I”.

A goofy smirk appeared on Bucky’s face, biting his inner cheek as he assented with his head. Seeing you again, knowing that you wanted it —that you wanted him—, made him trust Dr. Raynor’s words. He was having a second chance to do the right thing. To live and to be.

You wanted to add something else when the clock in his wrist started to beep. Curious, you raised an eyebrow. “We have to leave”.

“Why?”

“Sam told me you work tomorrow at eight, which means you’ll get up at six and a half… maybe seven. While I pay, take you home, all that stuff… I don’ want you to be tired in the morning”.

Bucky would never stop to amaze you, looking up to him in silence to contemplate how he called the bartender and beckoned his free hand to ask for the bill.

“What…? What are you doing?” He chuckled embarrassed, taking his beer to sip.

You cleared your throat when you realized how stupid you should look right now, shaking your head as you freed his cold hand from yours to find unlock your phone as soon as the guy brought the dataphone.

“Hey, no, no. I asked you out, I pay”. Bucky began to fight with you, provoking some laughs on the table as you tried to put your screen above the tpv.

“Well, welcome to the twenty-first century”. You hummed as the operation was confirmed.

“I’ll pay next time”. He declared licking his incisors, prior to his lips.

You wished the ride back home to last forever, not wanting to end the date. But the car reached your neighborhood in a blink of eyes. You couldn't help but sigh barely appreciably for your companion, gazing through the window until double parking in front of your apartment. You turned towards him, hearing the engine shut off. Bucky seemed disappointed like you, not being able to remember when was the last time he had a break, he had fun. The date was nicer than he expected but the idea of not knowing exactly when he was going to see you again was killing him from the inside.

“I'll accompany you”. He declared undoing his seat belt as you did to step out.

You reacted with a delicate smile, holding the bucket of flowers against your abdomen while walking to the front door of the building. That moment was a little uncomfortable, not being sure about how to say goodbye, just looking like two teens in love.

“Thank you for tonight, Bucky”. You uttered without thinking about it. “It's been the best night I've ever had”.

“Next will be better, I promise”.

“That's a big challenge”. You chuckled repeating his words a while ago in the restaurant.

“I'll live”. He nodded convinced, glancing at you bowing down your interest to the red roses between your hands.

How could you tell him that you were dying to be together again? That you wouldn't mind waking up sooner and having breakfast? You bit your inner upper lip, trying to find the correct words to say, without sounding like you were feeling something else to a physical attraction. Bucky was hot as hell, that wasn't up to debate, but he was the kindest and charmingest man you had known. He was sensible and strong at the same time. You both complemented the other like the pieces of a puzzle and you never thought something like that could happen to you. To find your other half and having it so clear you didn't want anyone else.

“I am, uh… free tomorrow”.

His words pushed you out of your thoughts, putting up your attention to a Bucky almost flushing, stroking the back of his head, and having the impression that he could scare you.

“Got a break for lunch, if you want”. You proposed without hesitation.

His eyes sparkled with happiness, holding your left hand with his to bring it to his mouth, placing a fond kiss on the back. Such a gentleman, like Sam said, inducing your cheeks to burn. And then, you saw him doubting about taking another step. You wanted it too to happen, tho, leaning forward to press your lips together. Your eyes snapped closed at that precise instant, not having any rush, tasting each other's and shortening the distance between both of you by his free arm getting wrapped around your waist. The kiss was innocent but passionate. It was warm, intimate, trying to transmit all the chemistry you woke up within the other with only one look, with only one smile. Breaking it —much to your regret— when you needed air to breathe. And even so, Bucky rested his forehead against yours freeing your hand to place it on the right side of his neck.

Neither of the two of you opened your eyes, extending the moment as much as you could. You felt he craved to spend the night with you, and you desired it too, but you also felt that he needed some time to get used to this new world he was living in. It wasn't easy. You thought back to the months after the war, the recovery, the loneliness you forced yourself to be in. You were in Afghanistan for three months. He had been fighting since nineteen forty. And he didn't want to ruin what you were building together.

“I should leave”. Bucky murmured against his wishes.

“See you tomorrow”.

At the moment you opened your eyes to meet the pale blue ones, your whole body felt weak. You saw the brightness in them after letting him know that the second date was going to happen and that it wasn't just a formality before disappearing, wiping out any minimal doubt by kissing him again. The last kiss. A good night, I'll dream with you kiss.

“I'm gonna play this on your wedding day, definitely”.

You screamed because of the unexpected metallic voice coming closer, clinging to Bucky's neck as his heart raced too. Redwing was suspended in the air some steps away from you, being controlled by Sam. Who else is not him, uh?

“I'm starting to think you have separation anxiety”. The soldier growled trying to hit the flying device with his flesh hand, hearing you laughing against his chest.

“Good night, kids”. You chuckled separating from Bucky.

“No kiss for me, soldier?”

“I'm not gonna kiss that thing, Samuel”.

“What about a howl, White wolf? Would be very appro—”.

“White wo—”.

“Please, don't. Don't ask”. Bucky begged you, licking his bottom lip while rubbing the back of his head, clearly ashamed.

“Hope you show me one day what it means…”

“Oh, he will… Just wait till the full moon”.

“Sam!” Bucky and you yelled in unison, you playfully, he annoyed.

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[aroturier]

So Now That's Sorted...

Maybe I'll be able to post my thoughts on the latest chpter (187.)

Poor Bard.

Well, we all knew it was coming, right? But did anyone else feel like the penny might've dropped too? Like, perhaps there's a reason why this got released on the same date as Agni died five years ago?

Well, maybe that was just a coincidence. But cast your mind back. Remember what we could tell about the person who killed Agni? Well, obviously they liked knives. Like, REALLY liked knives. We couldn't decide if there was one or two assailants, but we knew at least one of them wore a hooded coat-robe, a garment we've since identified as the one the goons on Undertaker's side seem to favour. In fact they're all wearing them in the scenes today. But Yana has taken care to show us their chins, that none of them are anything like the dainty, childlike chin on the robed assassin who did for Agni.

I think that was what first started me thinking. We've just been presented with a less than adult sized character wielding a knife who has a very childlike face.

Now I just read someone speculating that maybe she's more than she appears to be, since a child wouldn't be expected to have the arm strength to stab into a grown man's body deep enough to puncture his lung the way this bint's just done. Bard's spitting up blood, ergo he's been stabbed deeply, his lung is punctured. So yeah, maybe she is more than she appears. Doesn't make much sense having a little girl as a nurse in a sanitorium anyway, so she's about as odd and out of place as she can be. But earlier Yana drew a couple of dwarfs who were acrobats in the circus arc without doing much research on the conditions that cause dwarfism, so for the longest time the younger readers were largely unaware Peter and Wendy weren't children and us adults were a little puzzled as well. So this, too, might be a person born with dwarfism. Or the reanimated body of someone with that condition, or unusual strength might be a by-product of that process we just haven't been made aware of yet or she could be some sort of supernatural. But that is neither here nor there to me right now. What I want to talk about is who she might be.

The question I want to pose is, could this girl or woman the murderer of Agni? And a lot more upsettingly, might this girl have been involved in the entire story of what happened to Ciel and his brother right from the get-go? Have any of you noticed yet the placement of that knife wound? Did anyone see that the first stab wound Agni got was a low one as well? He didn't get the ones up in his shoulders until after he was on his knees, already dying, hanging onto that doorknob, protecting his prince. Did anyone happen to notice where Tanaka was stabbed the night of the twins' birthday party? Exactly the same spot as Bard. In the back, so low several people thought R!Ciel might've done it. Right at the point of the scapula, right where somebody who knew their anatomy would stab and then twist to try and reach the heart from the back.

Could be a big coincidence. Or not. Yana's a great one for fooling us with what's just out of our eyeline and hidden by speech bubbles and such. If the pint-sized nurse isn't smiling though, she looks quite a lot like the person with the knives who did for Agni. But to be fair, so would R!Ciel. What most of us who enjoy this speculation game do feel fairly certain of is there were two assailants that day at the townhouse: one with a gun, the one whom Soma was sure was the earl, (and jeez, I'm just sure he's going to come back and kill our Ciel or give it his best shot,) and one wearing a hood who was wielding knives.

I'll say it again. I think we are rounding the last turn and heading into the final stretch of this story. Of course, at the rate of only this many pages a month, it might take us another fifteen years to finish it.

Thoughts?

[tomtenadia]

Remember Us - 7

I know we are in full Rowaelin month but I thought to give you part 7 as a present...

There is a small library scene in perfect theme with Day 4. (This is not part of Rowaelin month. Just a coincidence)

The chapters are getting less angsty. As I mentioned in a post a few days ago... i Finished the story and it has 10 parts. That was the original plan and I promise a HEA

-------

Rowan had spent the entire day going through all of their albums. Evalin had offered to look after Freyja, but instead he had kept the girl in his arms while sitting on the carpet and and album in front of him.

He had just finished the one about Thomas and now opened the one dedicated to his daughter. They were both still a working in progress as it looked like Aelin would just record the stages in their lives.

“Look, who is this one?” The little girl pointed at the picture and babbled something.

“This is you.” He told her in a loving tone “the most precious thing in our lives with your brother.”

“You did it, Fireheart.” Rowan kissed the head of an exhausted Aelin, while the doctors were busy cleaning and checking on their daughter.

The nurse walked to them with a bundle in her arms and gave it to Aelin “I think your daughter is ready to meet you.” And placed the baby on Aelin’s chest.

Rowan sat at her side, his arms around her shoulder as he drew closer his two women.

“She is like you, Ro.”

He kissed her forehead “I love you both. Madly.”

In another photo he saw Thomas in the hospital bed near her mother, kissing his sister head and the caption read Thomas is officially a big brother and he finally gets to meet his sister. 

“ ‘Mas” babbled Freyja, pointing at the photo.

“Yes, that is your brother.”

Page by page he followed his daughter life and as it happened for Thomas, some moments became familiar all of a sudden.

Looking at photos had been a great idea but with Aelin’s captions had been even better as it was as if someone was actually telling him the story.

He looked at a couple of more albums but then he felt an headache coming and his vision was getting tired as well, so he grabbed Freyja and went to lie down on the sofa, making sure that she was tucked in safely between him and the back of the sofa. Evalin was busy doing chores around the house. He pulled the little girl to his chest and he started humming a tune while his hand caressed her head.

Not long after they were both asleep.

Evalin appeared back in the living room not long after and when she saw the scene in front of her she almost cried. Then she took her phone and snapped a picture and sent it to Aelin Your husband and your daughter are having some quality time together.

*

“How’s the study session going?” A younger Rowan paused beside a table in a university library.

The blonde woman in front of him groaned in exasperation “med school. Of all the degrees I choose from, I went for the worst one.” Her head collapsed heavily on the books in front of her “I want to be a neurosurgeon, I don’t care about the kidneys. Why am I studying this crap?”

Rowan smiled and placed a cup of coffee on the table “you need caffeine.”

Aelin lifted her head “yes, in IV.” She extended her arm and Rowan chuckled “you are the doctor, you will have to perform that on yourself.” He laughed and patted her head “I can tell you the legal repercussions of me performing such a procedure without a licence.”

Aelin grabbed her coffee and drank avidly “smartass.”

“A smartass you love?”

“Keep dreaming, Whitethorn.”

When he woke up again he was not ready for the splitting headache. He tried to sit up but dizziness hit him hard and then a wave of nausea. He jumped off the sofa but crashed on the carpet. Rowan fought to stand up but his body refused to obey “Evalin,” he croaked, grabbing his head in his hands.

A moment later Evalin was at his side “Rowan, are you okay?”

He crashed back down on the carpet and groaned. Evalin slowly helped him to sit back up and she felt panic rise “I should call Aelin.”

“No,” said Rowan in a whisper as he stood shakily and sat at the opposite side of the sofa away from his sleeping daughter. He should not be around the kids. No one should be around him while he was in that state.

And in that instant nausea hit again and he grabbed his stick and slowly dragged himself to the bathroom, collapsed on the floor and emptied the content of his stomach in the toilet.

***

Aelin had just finished surgery when she noticed the worried text from her mother. Rowan was not well.

She changed from the scrubs, paged her second, told him she had a family emergency and that she had to go back home. They all knew her situation and he was understanding. She had finished her surgeries for the day so finishing early was not much of an issue.

She drove home with her heart racing with panic. She knew the complications after a brain injury and she was worried. Her mother had not specified what happened but her tone seemed frantic.

Once in front of the house she parked quickly and once in the house she found it quiet. Her mother was sitting on the sofa reading to Freyja and Thomas was on the carpet playing with his toy cars.

“Where is he?”

Evalin looked up at her “in bed. He was sick, complaining of strong headaches and he said he was tired.”

Aelin dropped her backpack and ran for the bedroom and found him asleep.

She walked to him and sat at his side at the edge on the bed and slowly caressed his head. Her strong, amazing husband looked fragile, tucked in bed and sleeping on his side. The time in the hospital had left his mark and his frame was now thinner. Her hand ran through his hair once again and then deposited a gentle kiss and in that instant his eyes popped open as she chastised herself for it.

“Hi you,”

“Hi,” his voice gruff “you are home.”

“Mum texted me that you were not well.”

He tried to sit up but Aelin kept him down “you need to rest. What are your symptoms?”

Rowan’s head collapsed back on the pillow “headache, dizziness and nausea.”

Aelin’s hand was in his hair again “it’s normal. From one to ten, how bad is the headache?”

“Seven.”

She stood and came back a moment later with a glass of water and a tablet “Just a light dose to help you a bit.”

Rowan took the water and the medicine and once he was done Aelin lay down at his side, snuggling  close to him, her hand on his chest. Rowan’s arms as if on instinct went around her frame but did not hug her tight. He had no energy.

“I dreamt…” he closed his eyes for a second “I dreamt of us in the library. You were complaining about your degree and kidneys,” he told her softly “I brought you coffee.”

Aelin chuckled against his chest. She did remember exactly the day “that was when I started to fall for you.”

“Tell me,” he said, his lips brushing her hair.

“Somehow you had memorised my schedule,” she began her tale “so you would pop up in the library and keep me company studying. You with your laws and me with my crazy med stuff.” She looked up at him and found her husband staring at her “during my anatomy exam you offered to be my skeleton and I revised on you.” She flicked his nose and the gentle flinch of his nose reminded her so much of him, his usual reaction “At the end of a crazy exam you brought me cake and once my session of exams was over you asked me out.”

Rowan gave her a weak smile and she could see the tiredness in his face “you asked me to move in with you on my birthday and my present were the keys to your flat. I moved out of mine the next day and Aedion moved in with Lysandra and took my place.”

“Are we good friends with them?” He asked with interest. So far they had never discussed their friends and he thought it was time to try.

Aelin nodded “Aedion is my cousin. Lys and I were flatmates and she is my best friend.” Her hand brushed his hair once again, the gesture was relaxing and Rowan seemed to enjoy it too, his features much more relaxed “then we have Lorcan and Elide and the six of us kinda form a nice tight group.”

“Do they know about my condition?”

Aelin nodded “I explained to them and the only reason they haven’t visited is because I knew it was going to be too much so I told them to wait.”

“Thank you,” he said softly while his hand brushed her back “I can’t just yet.”

Aelin nodded again and his expression morphed as if he wanted to ask her something but hesitate. His hand moved “can I?” And Aelin knew what he meant. She took his hand and pushed it under her t-shirt and on her tiny baby bump “I don’t know yet if it’s a girl or a boy. I have a check up in two weeks and will see if we can find out the sex.”

His thumb moved gently as if to greet their child with his free hand he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he said a bit too quietly.

“I should let you rest,” Aelin tried to move but his hand grabbed her writs and pulled her back down against him. He had been enjoying that moment they had shared. His arms went around her frame and pulled her to him. 

“You love to cuddle.”

“Do I?” He told her rising an eyebrow.

“Sometimes when mum takes the kids we do enjoy a lot of naked, adult cuddling.”

Rowan’s heart raced in terror “I am not…” he stopped “I can’t yet.”

“Shh…” said Aelin, placing a gentle finger on his lips “We are not doing anything you do not want to do.” She told him with love.

He pulled her even closer and tucked her head under his chin, and the position felt familiar all of a sudden, her scent enveloping his nostrils. Everything about her felt familiar, the shape of her body against his, her scent, they way she fit perfectly in his arms.

They were in silence for a moment until two small cyclones joined them.

“Dad.” Shouted Thomas quite loudly and Rowan groaned, his head not appreciating the decibels coming from his son.

“Quiet, Tom, dad is not well.”

The little boy zipped his lips and climbed in bed. Freyja padded to her father’s side and extended her arms in a gesture to be picked up. Rowan turned and lifted his daughter in his arms and pushed her under the blankets with Thomas and Aelin joined them a moment later.

“We are keeping company to dad but we need to be quiet. Can we do that?”

Thomas nodded eagerly and Freyja kept sucking on her pacifier. The little girl climbed on her father chest and Rowan rolled on his back to help her curl up properly. Thomas was tucked in at his side and Aelin’s arm reached over and enveloped them.

“Sorry, they really missed you.”

Rowan shook his head “this feels really nice and normal.”

Aelin smiled and brushed Thomas’ hair “believe me on a weekend it is, and if I am not working the four of us love a long morning in bed together.”

He chuckled and loved the image “What about the names?”

Aelin grabbed Freyja’s hand in her and kissed it “Thomas was a character in a sci-fi series that we both love. He is an Admiral and quite amazing. He is actually my fictional husband. Freyja, we took it from a mythology book.”

Rowan laughed “so I have competition.”

“Can you be an admiral?”

“I order you to kiss me, soldier.” Rowan felt a smile tug at his lips and Aelin stared at him with fondness. Then leaned forward and pressed a kiss on his lips.

“Bleah,” said Thomas in protest. Aelin stamped a big kiss on his cheek “feeling better now?” And the boy grinned and climbed down from the bed “lego.” And he ran away.

Aelin sighed “he has a lot of energy.” And now that her son space had been vacated she scooted closer to Rowan and her hand was on the girl’s back on top of Rowan’s.

“I love the kids. It’s been only a few days but I love them madly already.” He whispered looking down at his sleeping daughter. Then back at Aelin and for a brief moment he saw sadness in her eyes. Loving the kids had been easy. His feelings for her were far more complicated. He felt something but could not put a name on it yet.

“With you is…” he paused, searching for the right words. He had caused enough pain already “complicated. There is something, I can feel it, but I don’t know if it’s just the memories or my actual feelings.” His hand ran through his hair “I don’t know how to explain it clearly.”

Aelin kissed his forehead tenderly. For as much as she wanted her husband back, she was not going to rush him. He would need time and she was willing to wait. She had waited at his bedside for so long to have him awake again that she was happy to take even the small acts of affection he was willing to give her.

“I want you to have your husband back, and I am trying…”

“Shhh…” she said to him, a gentle kiss on his lips “I have him back, and I can see more of him coming back everyday. You don’t realise it but he is there.” She patted his chest “My husband is right here in my arms.”

Rowan’s hand grabbed the back of her head and pulled her to him for a fierce kiss. Aelin melted at the contact. The kiss felt like coming home and for a moment it swept away all her fears.

“Does your husband kiss you like that?” The smirk on his face and his playful tone was him and she pulled back, coming up for air. 

“Seems like you remember this part very well.”

“It does help that my wife is stunning.”

Aelin smiled. He had called her his wife. Had he accepted his life? Had he accepted them?

She looked at him in his pine green eyes looking for an answer.

“Yes.”

[fconvicted]

Hi! I really like your art and I was wondering how you do your anatomy? I’ve been struggling with it a lot and could really use some tips 😄

thank you so much! and oh god,i have no clue. if you figure it out, please tell me. jk, jk! i have a few methods!

1. the first thing i would suggest is DEFINITELY find some real life models for your practice. a couple months ago, i came across an instagram model who i REALLY liked as a face claim for a character i often draw and spent some time just studying/drawing her body. i HIGHLY suggest doing this. there are lots of artist specific models on youtube and instagram who you can follow to practice from. if general anatomy practice sounds boring, then try finding models who match the body of a character you like- or your OC- and draw your favorite character with that body inspiration (it really helps to keep me motivated at least). when youre practicing like this, dont be afraid to trace from time to time when you feel your anatomy is a little wonky. sometimes you gotta train your eye first to recognize the problems youre facing. just dont make it a habit to trace from IRL models all the time. i think it’s a good study practice but it can be very limiting. using references is totally fine but there is a line between tracing and finding inspiration from outside sources.

2. i actually have these anatomy books called “Morpho” by Michel Lauricella which have been a BIG help for me. theyre rather cheap compared to other anatomy books and do a great job breaking down the fundamentals. (i think there are six books released right now)

over all, you wanna find methods that make drawing fun for you! sometimes people get a kick out of doing loose sketches of whole bodies, sometimes people prefer detailed illustrations of an arm or a leg. figure out what makes you motivated and keep several references near by. another important thing that i dont think gets talked about a lot is recognizing when you draw something good. its easy to see where your art might be flawed, like the fingers of a hand looks a little off, but if you like the way you drew the thumb, acknowledge that, and tell yourself good job! don’t neglect the improvements you made, even if you just scribbled a few lines that *looks* like a body.

hope this helps!

[flockofdoves]

but yeah sketched and palyed around with my tablet a lot today :)

was a bit frustrating tho bc i’m just literally so out of practice with all art every single thing i drew took so much longer than i know it used to for me and also my ability to recognize issues with my art has grown so much these past 2 years of not drawing barely at all except for occasionally trying to start doing studies to improve but like not enough that my actual freehand stuff has made much of any progress (if anything its deteriorated in motor skills so any progress in having an eye for stuff like accuracy of proportions kinda just flattens out lol) so i Really can see theres Issues with my art in a way that makes it not fun to try to make a lot of stuff i used to find fun bc idk at all how to actually extend that to doing better in the moment

but i’m not too discouraged i’m excited i bought some art anatomy and figure drawing online lessons so i can have a way to work on that structured but at my own pace for the rest of this summer to improve in one of the major areas thats impeding on my ability to just have fun making shit. and i will absolutely both have fun and feel satisfied doing those lessons esp now that i dont have to think about like. gathering my own resources each time i get the desire to do that and then just being too tired to do much once i instead directed my time to finding resources instead of just drawing. but yeah nonetheless just vaguely sad that i dont think i’m quite yet at a place where i can enjoy doing art stuff that isnt either very very go with the flow no actual goal in mind the only purpose is experimentation and it doesnt have to look good or technical studies. but not trying to be too down about it i think maybe i can start getting to a place of having fun making finished pieces with a goal in mind that integrate skills i’m building again soon enough, i almost found a balance with that a couple months ago but i just think i still need a bit more before i can practice finding that enjoyable again

[mllermanda]

I posted 205 times in 2021

167 posts created (81%)

38 posts reblogged (19%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.2 posts.

I added 392 tags in 2021

#fanart - 89 posts

#oddtaxi - 51 posts

#anime fanart - 45 posts

#オッドタクシー - 45 posts

#art - 38 posts

#oddtaxi fanart - 34 posts

#odd taxi - 26 posts

#anime - 23 posts

#odd taxi fan art - 21 posts

#odd taxi fanart - 20 posts

Longest Tag: 72 characters

#towards people who haven't see the series yet since it's still brand new

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

I had this idea for a while now but I wanted to redraw an old drawing I had with the KND characters as teens. A lot of the older pictures I had dealt with anatomy issues, background issues and lack of visual interest so I wanted to improve on that more. It can out pretty well and hopefully despite the show not getting another season, can live out in people's heart as a good show.

37 notes • Posted 2021-10-21 14:30:40 GMT

#4

So I believe around a month ago when I did the Daimon brothers facial expression, I was in WIP with Numbuh 5 from KND. Well I finally finished the sheet despite it taking a while to do, it's good practice to expand more with facial expressions.

40 notes • Posted 2021-09-26 14:30:57 GMT

#3

Attempted shirt design that looks better as a sticker, I drew Jay and Mickey cause I like the duo a lot with their attitude and positive energy. It's been a while since I drew them too so it's good to see that they are coming out nicely.

56 notes • Posted 2021-07-12 16:01:30 GMT

#2

While watching Fruits Basket 2019 version, I was reminded of the couple Ayame and Mine and wanted to draw some nice fanart of the series. Pulled an all-nighter a while ago to complete the picture but it was worth it.

57 notes • Posted 2021-07-16 16:01:04 GMT

#1

A redraw of a KND image that I did a long while ago that I want to put on a shirt someday for myself. I still love the series as much as I used too and despite not drawing a lot of fanart for the series, hopes that I can produce some more as time goes on.

84 notes • Posted 2021-07-07 16:00:38 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[kalofi]

Can you teach me the ways of art o so powerful one 👀

buubuubuu!!!! i mean i can tell u what i did!! if u go to my archives and check out my very first art post its like. completely different to how i draw now. good for comparison.

june/july 2018!

this month n last month!

i just started out drawing whatever i wanted however i wanted, but then in like october of 2018 i was like. hey i actually really wanna improve my art skills. so what i did is i just drew a LOT. like a LOT a lot. practice obviously goes into that but i would just doodle whatever in my notebooks, draw full drawings on paper, in sketchbooks...do digital drawings. just a lot

i also looked at the way my favorite artists drew things and tried to emulate that and mix it with the way i drew things. so i took inspiration from a lot of people (and there’s nothing wrong with that!) if i liked the way some1 drew eyes, i would try to redraw that. if i like their anatomy, i would do my best to copy that. these drawings i mainly kept to myself as practice tho i didn’t wanna post me trying to copy someone else’s style fndjsknjk

references are a godsend too!!! i dont actually use em that much even tho i should but i know theyre very helpful! im more of a trial and error person. i just draw something and if i dont get it right i just erase and redraw until i get it how i want it. thats basically how i ‘learned’ anatomy (cuz im still learning it) i just drew shit until it looked vaguely human and normal !

for colors.... oof. i struggled with colors for a loooong long time. probably up until just a couple months ago. they used to b the bane of my existence. but by retracing my steps with line art (taking insp from fave creators, changing it until i find smth i like) i have been able to become happy with the way i color!!

as for shading and stuff.... lmao i cant help u there i kinda just do whatever and hope it looks good HFJKSHFJKES

sorry for the long reply but i hope this is somewhat helpful!!! good luck lmk if u want anymore specific advice! my whole art process has basically been trial and error so i dont really have a specific approach to it but i’ll do my best to give solid pointers :D

[redslilstories]

Marry Me

Author: lilyme (aka. redslilstories aka. me ;)) Summary:This is how could 7x17 have played out without the catastrophic car crash and a few tweaks to the storyline Character: Arizona/Callie Rating: PG Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "Grey's Anatomy". They were created by Shonda Rhimes and belong to her and the ABC network. No copyright infringement intended!

It was a sunny Saturday in spring as a lone black car made its way along a freeway near Seattle. Its passengers were Callie and Arizona, the blonde steering the car along the street safely, while bemusedly listening to Callie talking to her best friend on the phone.

Callie sucked in an excited breath, the following giggle only temporarily distracting her girlfriend behind the wheel. "She's moving back in?!" she squealed in excitement, waiting for Mark's affirmative answer before mildly slapping Arizona's arm with the back of her hand. "She's moving back in!"

"Yeah, yeah, I heard it the first time," the blonde laughed at the ecstatic brunette next to her, before raising her voice a little so that the man on the other end of the line could hear her. "Good for you, Mark!"

He had gotten back together with Lexie a few months ago, and naturally he was over the moon about it. The fact that the resident apparently had decided to take this next step in their newly blossomed relationship was of course the icing on the cake.

Callie was so happy him. And Arizona had to admit that she wasn't too sad about it either. He wasn't looking at her boobs anymore... as far as she knew. At least they had the bedroom to themselves again, which was a big plus.

But Arizona acknowledged that the man had helped her a lot on the last months. Their little Italian dinner date to prove Callie that she could get along with her best friend had been a turning point. They still weren't exactly on best-buddy-basis, but they were getting along pretty okay.

That took a lot of strain out of her relationship with Callie. And it had positive side effects too. After all, it had been Mark who finally had convinced Callie to let Arizona paint her bat cave. Or rather their bat cave.

So much had happened in the last year. Breaking up over disagreements about babies. Getting back together after staring into the eyes of death. Officially moving in together. Cristina and Owen moving into their own home. And Arizona... winning the Carter-Madison grant.

An event that had almost torn them apart again. Callie had been conflicted about being happy for the peds surgeon and being devastated because she knew that the original plan meant that her girlfriend, the outstanding peds surgeon would have to go to Africa for three years. To help establish a hospital in Malawi and save lives thousands of miles way from her.

But the blonde heart and soul had been equally as twisted.

This grant. She had applied for it over three years ago. Back when she had still been single. More than ready to commit to the ones who needed it most. And not ready to commit herself to a serious relationship.

It was her dream. Or... it had been. Had been for so long. Then Callie had come along and had turned her world upside down. And now suddenly faced with making a decision between Africa and Callie... she had known she would choose the latter.

She hadn't given up on Africa entirely, however. She was overseeing most things from Seattle with occasional trips to Malawi to help out.

It wasn't her original dream anymore. It wasn't three years in Africa doing what she knew she was born to do. But her vision of it all still remained.

And now she had even more. Her old dream. And her new ones. Which now even included baby showers.

… Okay, that one was a bit of a stretch. She still hated those.

But still she had organized one yesterday. With the help of Mark, who had a lot more feel when it came to that stuff, surprisingly. Scrapbook station, onesie decorating, whatever. It didn't matter to her, as long as Callie was happy.

And Callie had been happy about this. So she had been happy as well. Even though she could have lived without that balloon stuffed under her scrubs and that little tiara on her head that read "momma".

But seeing that huge smile on Callie's face had totally been worth it.

For Callie she would do anything. For Callie, and their baby.

Their baby. That thought still brought the silliest of smiles to her face.

With a couple of trips to L.A and the help of Addison, their baby was finally on the way. Neither of them had thought that it would work on the first try, but it had. And if the baby stayed on schedule, in 108 days they would finally be 'momma' and... well, okay, they had names to discuss.

Speaking of which... Arizona already knew that they were having a little girl. Doing ultrasounds often in her daily work, she could easily tell from the check-ups she's been to with Callie. But she didn't want to spoil her girlfriend's fun, since they had agreed on not wanting to know the baby's sex before birth... officially.

And Arizona had had enough fun secretly buying a few girls' clothes in the last weeks, and she could already imagine this little girl with Callie's black hair and big brown eyes one day wearing that insanely cute pink Minnie Mouse sweater.

Callie's adorable laugh at something Mark had said on the other line drew her out of that thought. "No, Mark, we don't need you to go paint shopping for our nursery yet. And we don't need either blue or pink," she chuckled at his latest effort to learn the secret kept between Arizona and the baby himself.

He had been desperate to find out. But it wasn't like he had any say in this matter – and Arizona had absolutely no intention on letting him in on her knowledge either. In the end he didn't care if in four months he'd be the godfather of a little boy or a little girl, that was pretty certain. "But I'm sure you can convince Lexie to go shopping with you for the apartment," Arizona provided as Callie readily held the phone's speaker to her. "You know how she loves to decorate".

"Hey, you wanna ask her right now?" Callie suggested with raised eyebrows. "Bet you're bored with your whacky neighbors gone already, huh?" she teased the man once more. "Yeah, we'll be fine those three days," she confirmed to an obvious question about the trip they were engaged in right now. "Okay, bye for now, Love you," she spoke before ending the call.

"Aww, you kinda choked him off there," Arizona pouted as she overtook a truck parked on the side of the road with ease.

"He'll live," the brunette chuckled. "And now...," she held up the phone ceremoniously so that her girlfriend could see out of the corner of her eye that...

"Did you just turn off your phone?" the blonde asked a little confused. Callie Torres was not someone who shut off her phone. Callie Torres was a phone addict.

"I did," the proclaimed addict smiled contently. "Or else he'd be calling again in half an hour. You know how he is".

"But you told him we'd be fine," Arizona argued, not even sure why. Not having Mark call constantly had its perks, she had to admit. "He's probably gonna worry when your phone goes straight to voice mail".

"All things taken into consideration," Callie calmed her, fully understanding this train of thought. "I left a message on my voice mail that tells every caller where we'll be and what I'll do to you over and over once we get there. Nasty, naughty things..."

"You what!?" Arizona exclaimed and nearly brought the car to a screeching halt. In panic. In arousal.

She felt the sudden need to call Callie's phone to hear her formulate what they were about to do over and over. Hot. Terrifying. Terrifyingly hot.

Her brain was really indecisive on this.

"Kidding!" Callie laughed. "It just tells everyone that we'll be gone for a few days".

"Oh," Arizona nodded in thanks for the clarification. But the thought of the nasties and naughties remained.

They hadn't done a lot of that in the last weeks. The changes of Callie's body often making her feel uncomfortable despite the effort Arizona put in showing her how desirable she was for her.

And she knew that at least some of this tension originated in the stress Callie felt herself going through. With trying to be her best at work and nurturing their unborn baby at the same time.

So, Arizona had arranged for them both to get some time off and had booked them a few days in a cozy B&B two hours away from Seattle to cool down and relax.

And obviously this had this welcome effect of Callie's libido reappearing. "So... it's just gonna be you and me?" she gave Callie her most radiant smile.

"You and me," Callie confirmed with a big smile of her own. "And, oh! And the baby," she laughed.

"Are they kicking you?" the blonde asked as she watched Callie put her hands on her growing belly.

"No, but we're definitely awake," her girlfriend returned. It had already been four weeks since the movements of the baby had become noticeable for Callie but it never once failed to amaze her.

"Good morning, baby," Arizona called out softly and put her hand on the side of Callie's tummy in greeting.

Their baby. She still had to realize that in the next days it'd be just Callie, the baby and herself. And no one to disturb them. She reached for her own phone lying on the dashboard and handed it to Callie. "You know what you have to do," she told her and Callie nodded with a happy expression before proceeding to put a message on Arizona's voice mail as well and shutting it off.

Meanwhile Arizona was on the lookout for a very specific spot on the side of the road. There was something she had planned. Something that was way bigger than a trip to a B&B. Something that was very important to her. And could change her life... their lives forever.

She slowed down the car gradually, getting them ready for what she had planned.

Callie noticed her girlfriend's actions and sent her a questioning glance sideways, which Arizona answered. "Do you, um, do you want to pull over for a bit?" she got out, glad that she had almost managed to keep that shaking out of her voice. She had practiced this scenario in her head over and over. Still it did little to calm her nervousness.

The brunette cocked an eyebrow at her. "Do you need to pee?" she teased lightly, "Because I thought I was the one with the crazy bladder..."

Arizona smiled at the amused figure sitting next to her. She had learned early on during Callie's pregnancy that joking about the challenges this brought to the brunette's body was not a wise action. But laughing along the jokes Callie made herself was safe. Well, at least most of the time. "No, I just thought you'd want to relax your legs for a minute, maybe?"

"No, that's okay, and we're only thirty something minutes away. I'll be okay," she felt a warmth spread through her at Arizona's apparent concern. She had never been one to let herself be coddled; but there had been moments lately where she enjoyed the care and attention.

Arizona faltered for a moment. She hadn't anticipated a possible denial to her suggestion. Which she now realized was pretty stupid considering that Callie wasn't always predictable. Never had been. "Well, come on, honey," she cooed, "just for a few minutes... our room at the B&B won't be ready for a couple of hours anyway."

"Okay...," Callie scrunched her eyebrows at the blonde's weird behavior... and sudden need for a rest. And she was about to complain about them having hit the road so early if their room wasn't even ready for them. But...

"I have sandwiches," Arizona redirected her thoughts before that could happen.

Okay, that was a game changer. She hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, and it was already hitting 12 pm. Now, if only...

"I packed some peanut butter ones as well," Arizona confessed and suddenly Callie was more than ready for that little break.

Arizona knew about her pregnancy cravings. And she had hoped that Callie's taste buds would eventually switch to something a little more... healthy like pickles, but Callie still stuck to her beloved peanut butter. However, they had an agreement. A peanut butter sandwich only twice a week.

Or apparently on special occasions like this one.

A couple of minutes later their picnic blanket was spread out under a tree that overlooked a beautiful valley in the Seattle area. Callie was seated on a pillow Arizona had thankfully brought along for her comfort and was leaning against the tree, for the moment content with enjoying the view. The picnic basket containing their food sat beside her still untouched.

The blonde had told her to sit tight while she went back to the car to get a thermos with tea and a bottle of water.

If she was being honest, heading back to the car to retrieve said liquids had been an excuse. They could easily have carried those with them on the first trip.

But she wanted, needed a few moments to herself. To collect herself, go over what she wanted to say.

This was going to be one of the most important moments... in their lives. And she wanted it to be perfect.

'Perfect'.

She repeated this word over and over in her head on the way back.

Until she rounded the tree and... felt the need to slap the back of her own head in good measure.

Maybe she shouldn't have left the basket in Callie's care.

Maybe she shouldn't have admitted to having packed her woman's current favorite food.

But certainly she should not have stored the tiny velvet box Callie now held between trembling fingers beneath said yummy goodness.

"Okay, okay... don't freak out. Don't freak out," she blubbered, at this moment not even sure which one of them she was trying to calm down. She deposited the bottle of water and the thermos on their blanket and dropped down in front of Callie, taking the little box from clammy hands. "I... wow... I thought you'd be sitting up higher with that pillow and all," she laughed nervously as Callie just continued to stare at her with an expression like a fish on land.

Arizona fidgeted around for a moment before dismissing the plan of getting up on one knee – the dress she had chosen to wear today making that practically impossible, anyway. One more thing she could have done differently in retrospect. So she sat back on her calves ad just looked at Callie for a moment.

Callie.

Her Callie. Her Calliope.

She was the one for her.

And now she wanted to make it official.

"Calliope... I love you more than anything," she started out slowly, this thought in her mind now clearer than it had ever been before. "You're the most amazing woman I've met in my entire life. And now you're giving me the most amazing thing in the world. You and our baby – you make me happier than I ever thought I could be." She reached out and grabbed Callie's hand with hers. Soothing Callie who still looked like she was going to hyperventilate any moment. And encouraging herself to continue. "You're... You're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. The one I want to wake up to every morning and the one I want to go to sleep with every night. And I am so grateful that I get to be with you".

She halted for a moment and took in a big, trembling breath in preparation for what would be next. "But I want more," she nodded her head with conviction. "I want to see you walking towards me in your wedding dress. I want to hear your vows. I want to be able to call you my wife. And in forty years from now, when our ten kids have finally left the house, I want to sit on our porch and hold your hand. And look back on all these wonderful moments we've had together. And I don't want to regret never having asked. So... Calliope Iphigenia Torres," she retracted her hand from Callie's to open the small black velvet box and reveal the plain white gold ring with a half carat diamond, "will you marry me?"

Seconds passed where she could hear nothing but the wind rustling through the trees and her fast beating heart.

And Callie looked... freeze-framed. Like someone had just pressed pause during the most important movie scene. Her gorgeous black dark eyes wide open in shock and her mouth still agape.

Arizona began to worry. Surely her love's neither verbal nor non-verbal response couldn't be interpreted as a good sign, right?

But why did Callie fail to give her the desired reaction?

Was it the ring? Had Callie opened the box before her return and just found the ring too appalling for words? She had known the ring would be an issue. She knew Callie didn't like anything too girly in jewelry. She had considered asking Mark for help. After all, he knew her best. But she also knew that he couldn't keep a secret. So she had confided in Teddy instead.

Had their idea been so way off?

Or did Callie simply not want to get married? Arizona had once dropped a casual comment about marrying before the baby was born. Callie had just shrugged at that. But Arizona had always thought that this would be important to her. With her catholic background and all.

Or was she just too scarred from her first marriage to take that step again? Once bitten, twice shy?

Or... did Callie want to get married... but didn't want to marry her?

Arizona's heart sank at that. It was definitely a thought worth dwelling on for a moment.

She could name reasons for an objection Callie might have to marrying her. But... no! She shook her head. "I'd... I'd be lying if I said that there weren't bumps in our road. We've had them and chances are we'll encounter some in the future. But-"

"You... You want to marry me?" the onset of a terrible babble rant was interrupted by a brunette having finally found her voice again.

"I... I do?" Arizona returned, not meaning for it to sound like a question but at this moment totally helpless.

Callie's expression slowly transformed into a smile. She had never thought she'd hear those words again. Would find someone willing to commit to her with everything they had. It was just so overwhelming. Especially since it was Arizona.

Not that she hadn't thought this would be a possibility in the future. But she had always imagined that she's be the one to ask. To catch the little butterfly that lightened up her life.

But now that it had happened this way... it was even more...

"Yes," she husked out.

… perfect.

"W-What?" Arizona inquired, not believing her ears of all a sudden.

"Yes," Callie spoke louder, her smile growing, "I'll... marry you".

And that was where Arizona's baby blues lit up again and her grin got so wide it threatened to split her face in two. She laughed incredulously as tears formed in her eyes and she leaned up to embrace Callie in the happiest of hugs she had ever given. On her cheeks she could feel the wetness of Callie's own joyous tears as her fiancee held her close.

Her fiancee.

She wanted to shout this out to the entire world. Calliope Torres was her fiancée!

Loosening the hug, she leaned back up to capture Callie's already awaiting lips in a tender kiss. "I love you," she whispered, letting their lips meet repeatedly.

"I love you too," Callie replied, softly cupping Arizona's cheeks in her hands and simply looking at her. "I love you so much, you don't even know it," she shook her head. It was true. She hadn't loved anyone this much before. Except their baby.

"I think I get the idea," Arizona chuckled and pecked her again.

Callie grinned at her soon-to-be-wife, and suddenly remembered something blatantly important, "Arizona Robbins... will you give me my ring?"

"Oh!" Arizona exclaimed, the box laying dumbly in her hand almost forgotten. She took the item and slid it onto Callie's ring finger, sighing in relief when it fit just perfectly.

"It's beautiful," Callie whispered, on the verge of crying again. "Thank you".

Arizona clasped the ring-decorated hand, at the brunette's teary expression having trouble holding her own emotions in check. "We're getting married," she whispered almost as incredulously as Callie had been before.

Her fiancèe brought their joint hands to her lips and gave Arizona's a soft, confirming kiss. "We're getting married," she confirmed with a smile and held their hands close to her chest.

Arizona laughed as her thumb caressed Callie's fingers. "Think we'll manage to get married before the baby is born?" the blonde asked. Feeling now more than before than they should address this topic.

"Hm," Callie pursed her lips. She certainly wanted to get married to Arizona as soon as possible. And that was not because she felt the need for the baby to be born into marriage. It was simply because she could hardly wait any longer.

But knowing that the due date was only a few months away, and knowing how much planning would go into creating the wedding the two of them wanted – the dresses alone – four months felt like a pretty short amount of time. "Well, we can certainly try," she chuckled as she brought their intertwined hands to lay in her lap. "Maybe the baby will come out the same day. It happens," she bemusedly.

"Oh!" Arizona laughed. "That'd be a plus. We'd never forget our anniversary," she joked. "And we'd have an amazing story to tell her- … or him," she quickly caught herself, fearing that she had just spilt that little secret of their baby being actually a baby girl.

But Callie hadn't noticed. Momentarily distracted by a sudden movement in her womb. "Hello, there," she giggled as her hand moved to her tummy. "I think they heard us talking about them". She said softly and smiled as Arizona perked up instantly and lay down to press her ear and hands to her belly. "Hi, there, my pretty baby," she cooed softly. "Did you hear? Your mamas are getting married".

Callie caressed Arizona's hair as this one continued to talk to their baby. Arizona loved this tiny, tiny person inside her so much. It was ridiculous how often they could be found in positions like this lately. Especially since the baby had started kicking. Callie loved feeling this too. Though she wasn't always a fan – especially not at night.

But the thought of the baby brought her back to something Arizona had said minutes ago. "So, do you still want those ten kids? Despite my hormone waves and all?"

"Yes!" Arizona said enthusiastically. "And more!"

"Oookay," Callie laughed amused but a teeny bit overwhelmed at the same time. "Let me get this one out first, then we can talk about having more kids, okay?"

"Okay," Arizona nodded as her hand was met with a tiny movement from inside Callie. "And maybe you won't have to do it all by yourself. Our ten plus kids..."

An audible gasp escaped Callie as her hand grasped the blonde's shoulder in wonder. Was she... "Arizona Robbins, are you suggesting that..."

"Shush...," the other woman interrupted, "... before I change my mind".

A new bout of tears made its way down Callie's cheek as she held her fiancee in her arms who in her turn held their baby as best as she could.

Arizona could see their future years shaping out in front of her eyes. Married. With tons of kids. And a house. And dogs. And chicken.

It was looking pretty perfect.

END

[bandaids-not-groupies]

Get to know me uncomfortably well - tagged by @livewiredroger ❤️ sorry this took so long to post!! 

1. What is your middle name? 

Janie

2. How old are you? 

21, gonna be 22 in a couple months

3. When is your birthday?

December 4th! A day after Ozzy’s

4. What is your zodiac sign? 

Sagittarius

5. What is your favourite colour? 

Light purple and black

6. What’s your lucky number?

I don’t actually know

7. Do you have any pets?

No but I did have a dog!

8. Where are you from? 

Chicago!

9. How tall are you?

5’0 lmao

10. What shoe size are you? 

6

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 

Too many to count lol

12. What was your last dream about? 

I don’t remember 😅

13. What talents do you have?

None lol. I’m boring af

14. Are you psychic in any way? 

Nope lol

15. Favourite song? 

I’m a believer by the monkees (I’ve always loved that song)

16. Favourite movie? 

The Godfather

17. Who would be your ideal partner? 

Keanu Reeves. He has my heart and soul

18. Do you want children? 

Yeah but only like 2

19. Do you want a church wedding? 

Yeah but nothing too big

20. Are you religious? 

Kinda but not really. Like I acknowledge that there could be a God. But I don’t practice it that much. So basically I’M SINNING AND I’M WINNING

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? 

Yeah. Twice. Once cause I had a bad ear infection and then another time I had pneumonia

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? 

Nope!

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? 

Yes I have! Back in my emo days I meet Christofer Drew from Never Shout Never, which was actually pure luck! NSN was in town for a concert, but I couldn’t go because it was a 18+ venue so I couldn’t get in (I was in 8th grade at the time). So my family and I decided to go out to eat at a restaurant which was coincidentally across from the venue. So we were walking down the street and I see this huge tour bus right outside the restaurant. My heart starts racing and i thought “how cool would it be if I bumped into someone from the group” well lo and behold as we are coming closer to the bus, Christofer Drew turns the corner and walks towards the bus. So I stop in my tracks and just say “Christofer Drew?” And he stops and he says hi! He asked if I was going to the show and I said no and he goes “well you gotta promise you’ll come to the next one!” Of course I made the promise and I didn’t break it! He came back that summer and I got to see him ❤️ I also met two groups called Breathe Carolina and Crown The Empire. I also met Evan Peters and Sebastian Stan at Comic Con a couple years ago. I also met Corey Crawford. The goaltender for the Chicago Blackhawks, my favorite hockey team.

24. Baths or showers?

Showers! I don’t like the idea of bathing in your own filth.

25. What color socks are you wearing? 

I’m not wearing any!

26. Have you ever been famous? 

Nope lmao and I probably never will be

28. What type of music do you like?

I like oldies. Mostly from the 50s-80s. Anything from Dean Martin to Motley Crue. I do like modern music too. I still listen to some of the bands I listened to in middle school lol (like the ones i mentioned before and others like All Time Low, Pierce The Veil, Sleeping With Sirens, Of Mice & Men, Asking Alexandria, and a couple more.) I also like Greta Van Fleet and 5 Seconds of Summer. I also like spanish music. Like Maluma, Bad Bunny, Becky G, etc. 

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? 

Nope lol 

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 

It depends. It could be one or none. Sometimes i don’t use a pillow

31. What position do you usually sleep in? 

On my tummy! 

32. How big is your house? 

It’s a two bedroom apartment. I’m not complaining tho, its very cozy. 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? 

If I wake up early enough lol it’ll usually be eggs (over medium), some coffee, and some bread 

34. Have you ever fired a gun? 

Nope and i don’t plan on it! 

35. Have you ever tried archery? 

Yes! I tried it when I was in Girl Scouts in elementary school 

36. Favourite clean word? 

Groovy 

37. Favorite swear word? 

definitely FUCK

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 

like a day? I got like four hours of sleep the night before. Got up at like 6am, went about my day. Then I stayed up until 7am working on a research paper for class (college is a BITCH). 

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? 

Nah cause your girl is hella ugly lmao

41. Are you a good liar? 

Not at all. People can tell when I’m lying cause my voice gets high lmao 

42. Are you a good judge of character? 

Eh I do my best 

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? 

I try to do a posh British accent and I try to do a Steve Irwin Aussie accent   

44. Do you have a strong accent? 

People say I have a strong chicagoan accent but i don’t hear it!

45. What is your favourite accent? 

I’m a sucker for aussie accents 

46. What is your personality type? 

just took the test..i got ISFP-T (adventurer) 

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? 

hmmmm all I can think of at the moment is my Doc Martens. They aren’t really clothing but it’s all I can think of lol

48. Can you curl your tongue? 

Nope!

49. Are you an innie or an outie? 

outie :(((( i hate it 

50. Left or right-handed?

Right handed! 

51. Are you scared of spiders? 

YES YES YES

52. Favourite food? 

Pasta! I could eat it all day, every day 

53. Favourite foreign food?

Tamales and Pozole. That’s my shitttt

54. Are you a clean or messy person? 

I try and be a clean person and stay organized but it only lasts for a bit then I go back to my messy ways lol 

55. Most used phrase? 

“that’s a mood” and “no mames guey” (Mexican slang)

56. Most used word? 

Dude and Darling

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 

Depends. If I wear my hair natural, then an hour. But if I gotta style it, then like an hour and a half or two hours( I got a lot of fucking hair, dude). 

58. Do you have much of an ego? 

Hell no lmao. This bitch has a low self-esteem so 🤷🏻‍♀️

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? 

Suck 🤪

60. Do you talk to yourself? 

All the time lmao 

61. Do you sing to yourself? 

Yeah sometimes 

62. Are you a good singer? 

Nope lmao but I still do it anyways 

63. Biggest Fear? 

A lot of shit. Spiders, Holes (trypophobia), tearing my achilles or getting them cut (ever since I saw Pet Sematary), dolls, bugs crawling under my skin, throwing up...and i can’t think of anymore on the spot 

64. Are you a gossip? 

you bet your ass I am. Soy una chismosa lmao

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? 

Titanic  

66. Do you like long or short hair? 

On girls, long but not too long. Maybe like mid-back. And guys, long, like ear length and longer 

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? 

Yeah but i couldn’t point them out on a map 

68. Favourite school subject? 

Biology/Human Anatomy. I’m a sucker for science 

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

Definitely an introvert. No doubt about that lol 

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? 

Nope!

71. What makes you nervous? 

Meeting new people, class discussions, and presentations

72. Are you scared of the dark? 

If i’ve just seen a scary movie then yes lol  

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? 

Sometimes. For instance, if one of my friends from ecuador uses a word wrong in a sentence, then I would tell them the right way to say it to help them learn more english. i never correct someone to seem like i’m smarter or to be rude. It’s simply to help them. 

74. Are you ticklish? 

Yeah! In some places like my feet, neck, and my back, 

75. Have you ever started a rumour? 

No way! That’s terrible 

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? 

Only when babysitting my little cousins lol 

77. Have you ever drank underage? 

Yeah lmao. When I went away for college

78. Have you ever done drugs? 

Once, when I hungout with a guy at school we smoked some weed

79. Who was your first real crush?

One of my friends from college. I met him Freshman year and I still like him...I’ve liked him for four years but i’ve never had the guts to tell him 

80. How many piercings do you have? 

6! I have four on my left ear and two on my right ear. I have the standard lobe piercings, then the upper lobe on both sides. Then on my left I have one above the upper. And then I have my helix pierced on the left side. (i hope this all made sense lol) 

81. Can you roll your R’s?

Nope

82. How fast can you type? 

Eh I would say pretty average 

83. How fast can you run? 

Not at all. I hate running 

84. What colour is your hair?

Dark brown! 

85. What color is your eyes? 

Dark brown

86. What are you allergic to? 

Some ingredient in the Banana Boat sunscreen. And some type of plant. I don’t exactly know which one cause I went to the botantic garden one time on a field trip and I don’t know which plant caused my allergic reaction but when I got home I had hives all over me. 

87. Do you keep a journal? 

Nope, never did 

88. What do your parents do? 

My mom is an ortho technician and my dad is a delivery man

89. Do you like your age? 

Yeah I guess. I mean I can buy my own alcohol so that’s pretty neat 

90. What makes you angry? 

Everything 

91. Do you like your own name? 

Eh it’s alright. Pretty boring 

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

I like the name Elena for a girl and Jonathan for a boy 

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

Doesn’t matter to me

94. What are you strengths? 

I’m a ride or die bitch.

95. What are your weaknesses?

I don’t really share my emotions so I keep things bottled up 

96. How did you get your name? 

My cousin picked out my name 

97. Were your ancestors royalty? 

Not that I know of. But what I do know is I have family from Spain. 

98. Do you have any scars?

Yeah, one on my arm from when I burned myself with my straightener. And another at the place where my nose meets my forehead, between my brows. When I was in elementary school, I was running out on the playground and I tripped and I slide across the cement and scraped my nose and my whole forehead. THERE. WAS. BLOOD. EVERYWHERE. 

99. Colour of your bedspread? 

Light pink 

100. Colour of your room? 

White! 

I tag: @tommyleeownsme, @babe-mustaine, @waycooljunior, and @universal-scorpio ❤️

[mummapaintstheblues]

A Little Show....

@auberghyn my lovely wife. This one got away from me so badly, that not only is it 3k of flirting teasery, I stayed up til 1am writing it in a fit of inspiration. Thank you so much for all that you do Patty <3 You are amazing. I don’t know if this fulfills the Ask, but I had a tonne of fun doing it. 

Also, thanks to @spnfox for the Dick pic fuel of motivation for this. 

A Little Show

Stifling a mitigating sigh, Sakura leant back on the office chair as much as it would allow. These late-night catch up lectures were always the worst, it never got any better. Tonight’s crop of students were no exception. Their sole job for this evening was taking notes regarding the surgery being shown on the projector.

Sakura knew that this paled in comparison to actual experience in the field but doing something was better than nothing. And things had been awfully quiet around Konoha Hospital lately. As Assistant Director she tried to take it as a compliment, that her hard work had made a significant impact on the village already. Reality being, Konoha itself had entered an unprecedented era of peace, and with that came inevitable boredom and lack of action.

Sakura looked up from her phone for a moment to regard the fifty or so medical students littering the hall. Some of them watching the screen with glazed expressions, a few idly pretending at least to take notes, a couple of them actually nodding off altogether.

Really, she couldn’t blame them. It was hard enough to keep herself awake at this time of night after a long day in surgery. But she had agreed to mentor this bunch, and at least if she was the one doing it, she would know that it had been done right. Giving them an almost break for one evening wasn’t going to hurt. Especially considering the brutal midterms they would be undertaking soon.

But she couldn’t help releasing another sigh. This was going to be a long night. She wouldn’t even be able to catch up on the reading she had been meaning to do, with her laptop hooked up to that projector. Small luxuries, at least she still had her phone, and she didn't need to go back to surgery tonight.

The vibration in her lap drew her attention. The screen lighting up to the messaging app she had forgotten was installed on her phone. Sakura had long since abandoned checking her social media daily, NinjaScroll had become a cesspit of baby photos and engagement announcements she didn’t want to see. The only ones still using it religiously were the older gen, who had discovered it right about the time everyone else stopped using it.

Sakura unlocked the screen with a smile.

10:31 K. Hatake - Heyyy

The message was so out of character and so unexpected. Normally she wouldn’t respond during a time she was meant to be nurturing young minds. But one quick look up at the students told her all she needed to know, and nothing had changed in the room. So she swiped the screen, hastily typing out the automatic response her mind had already composed.

10:31 S. Haruno - Your use of extra letters leads me to believe you have been drinking tonight, sensei.

She stared at the screen for a full minute before realizing his state of intoxication was probably beyond any coherent reply. Then again, she’d never exactly messaged him more than the cursory ‘Why are you late this time?’ He probably just took forever to type a reply in general. She went back to casually observing her students before it vibrated again.

10:33 K. Hatake - Yesss

Out of reflex a soft chuckle escaped her. Self consciously she covered her mouth, looking up quickly as if she’d done something wrong, but nothing had changed still and no one had seen. So she relaxed. Her body’s response to his message was odd, but things had been blurry between them since the last time they’d been at the Rusty Kunai bar together. A lot of flirting, and then they’d never actually had a chance to discuss it. She blushed at the memory.

10:33 S. Haruno - Sounds like you’re having fun.

A coy smile graced her features, whatever had possessed him to message her in the first place was a mystery. But she was glad that he’d done it…

10:33 K. Hatake - Would be more fun if you were here.

Sakura felt an instant heating of her face and body as soon as the message appeared on the screen. It had happened quick too, maybe he wasn’t as drunk as she’d first thought. But he had to be...surely, to send such a message. So caught up in the warmth and perplexity of it all she stared blankly at the phone for a moment, mind racing to catch up.

Was he flirting with her again? It certainly felt that way, even through only a few messages. A wicked thought was born, boredom was indeed a very dangerous thing for a Kunoichi in need of a decent lay. And the last time they had flirted, blurring the lines between them beyond recognition, it had been hot as hell. What was the harm in doing it again? Especially if it made this boring hour pass by any quicker.

10:34 S. Haruno - If I was there, I don’t think you’d be able to handle the fun we could have.

It was a risque move, but she just didn’t care, even though she couldn’t blame it on drunkenness this time. Being completely sober as she was, staring at her phone instead of paying attention to the fifty students in her charge. Refreshing the screen repeatedly as soon as it went idle, she couldn’t help but wonder if she’d scared him off already with such a bold statement. The thought did make her smirk a little, if he wanted to play with fire he was going to get burnt, simple as that.

10:35 K. Hatake - And what would you be wearing if you were here?

Sakura disguised the derisive snort poorly as a coughing action. Taking a large gulp from the water bottle on her desk to cover it. The liquid did not cool the molten heat that was now flushing her cheeks and flooding her senses. He was good at this. But so was she.

10:36 S. Haruno - A smile.

Summoning the last of her courage she hit the send button and almost slammed her phone down on the table like it had scalded her. Too late now, it was sent, damage done. Mischievous as it was, damn it felt good too, so good, and she hadn’t predicted that sensation to top all the others. But this was how it had felt a month ago, the last time it happened, it had been so good. Knowing he was checking her out, having his undivided attention, touching him just so lightly on the back of his neck… For the upteenth time Sakura cursed Ino for becoming such a drunken menace she’d needed to take her home. She’d have much rather stayed with Kakashi….gone home with him that night. Maybe she wouldn’t be so damned frustrated now...

Bzzzzt.

10:38 K. Hatake - Fuck

She could see the little dots again, knowing he was typing. K. Hatake - You continue to impress me with your ability to make me this hard with only two words.

This time, she didn’t even bother to try and hide the snort, it was more like nervous laughter. It had been instant again, just like the rush of blood to her private areas, the tingling sensation of an itch she hadn’t scratched in a long time. Just the thought of him at the bar, hiding the impressive piece of anatomy she had heard rumours about… That he was hard because of her words, because he was thinking about her. Biting her lip she considered her reply, re-reading his last message with a kind of girlish glee. Allowing an acceptable minute to pass before she began to type.

10:39 S. Haruno - Oh? You make it sound as if this has happened before.

10:39 K. Hatake - Yesss

10:40 S. Haruno - And what were the two words that did it last time?

Sakura wasn’t aware of holding her breath, but she certainly felt as if all the air had escaped her lungs by the time those little dots appeared again.

10:41 K. Hatake - Don’t you remember, pulling on my arm at the bar, putting those delicious lips of yours close to my ear.

Of course she remembered, she had been begging him to take his mask off, for just one peek. Using all her feminine wiles to charm him into removing the damned piece of cloth from his face. The assault had not worked in that endeavour, but at least now she could say it had served another delightful and unintentional purpose. It had turned him on in a way which gave Sakura an exciting allure, a power over him, and it was riling her up just as much.

10:42 S. Haruno - Please, Kakashi.

Those were the words she had practically whined in his ear. Sakura had another wicked afterthought to add before those little dots appeared again.

S. Haruno - And you still wouldn’t take it off for me. Naughty boy.

With a smug and satisfied smirk Sakura leant back in her chair, biting her lip in anticipation for his response. It pleased her to no end that the typing of his reply had completely ceased with her last message. It pleased her that she had managed to get to him, shake that usually unwavering and frustrating facade of his. For the moment she completely lost herself in this heady sensation, forgetting where she was entirely.

10:43 K. Hatake - Why don’t you take something off for me first?

Sakura raised a brow, regarding that little screen with a mixture of frustration and curiosity. Frustrated because he was too good at this, and she wasn’t about to be outdone by him, not this time. And curious to see how far he would go… Curious even to see how far she would take this herself. But that bandaid had well and truly ripped off. It was an odd kind of snowball effect now, there was only one way this could go and she wanted it so badly.

Lost in her thoughts Sakura had not composed a reply just yet, but Kakashi beat her to it this time.

10:44 K. Hatake - What kind of panties are you wearing tonight by the way?

With a quiet and smug chortle to herself Sakura felt very much like Kakashi had tried to set a trap for her with that question. But damned if she was going to let him win this game of cat and mouse. He was playing right into her hands.

10:44 S. Haruno - Bold of you to assume I’m wearing any at all, sensei.

The rest of the room was lost on her as she bit her lip in anticipation. A surging of warmth coursing through her whole body, she was even crossing her legs now to relieve the throbbing ache just a fraction.

10:45 K. Hatake - Prove it.

That nervous laugh escaped her again, Sakura tried to look as casual as possible as she stood. Making a T signal with her hands as she exited the lecture theatre. A couple of the students nodded to her in acknowledgement, the rest seemed to be enthralled now in a particular part of the surgery. That was an added bonus, she felt as if perhaps this whole night hadn’t been a waste all round.

But what on earth was she doing? It was as if her body was moving of it’s own accord, heading toward the faculty bathroom. It was completely empty this time of night, and the lighting was pretty good… It was beyond madness but there was something compelling her to please him, to obey his order. Sakura threw the door open, slamming it shut and hastily pulling her panties off, stuffing them into her pocket. The dress she had on wasn’t exactly tight, or revealing, but if she hiked it up over her voluptuous behind it would make for a nice picture.

10:48 S. Haruno - As you wish, sensei picture attached.

It was as tasteful a picture as she could take, the mirror allowing her to take a neat view of her spread legs. A wet mess lying between them. Gods, she’d been so turned on by just the idea of sending him a racy picture that she hadn’t even locked the door.

10:48 K. Hatake - Fuuuck

The reply was quick, and Sakura started to wonder if she’d made the right decision, but it had really been out of her control. An automatic reaction to the frustrated coil her body was in. Righting her dress, she steadied her breath before she walked out again, though her heart was pounding. She also found herself walking slower than usual back to the theatre, eagerly awaiting his response. She decided to nudge him just a little.

10:49 S. Haruno - Are you going to be a good boy and take it off for me now? Please, Kakashi. I need to see it.

Begging seemed to be one of his major turn ons, a fact she carefully filed away for the foreseeable future. Lingering outside her classroom still, Sakura almost gave up and went back inside, but felt that little bzzzt in her hands. Felt the veritable cluster of nerves that accompanied it.

10:50 K. Hatake - Is this what you wanted to see, Princess? Picture attached

Her jaw dropped open, stunned. The picture he’d sent was so lewd she couldn’t remember seeing anything quite so… hard. It was a selfie, obviously in the bathroom of the bar. The camera held high, she could only see the bottom half of his face, but she didn’t even care about it. For the impressive erection that was spilling out of his pants, gripped with his other hand. She stood staring at it for an unknown period of time. A chattering noise from inside the lecture theatre prompting her to move her engorged and overheating body.

When she opened the door she thought she’d heard a shushing, but it wasn’t unusual for students to chatter during particularly tedious parts of the surgery instruction videos, and it was wrapping up. To be honest she just completely did not care. All she could think about was the device in her hand, and the rock hard dick that was in Kakashi’s.

Sakura quickly decided on what reply would best stroke his ego.

10:51 S. Haruno - I don’t just want to see it, I want to taste it.

There was another tittle through the crowd of students, Sakura quickly glanced up but was distracted by her phone too quickly to gauge what had done it.

10:51 K. Hatake - Fuck Sakura.

K. Hatake - You have no idea how much I want you. All of you.

10:52 S. Haruno - I’m starting to get an idea.

She paused, thinking, deciphering the moment. Truthfully she’d wanted him too, for a while now, and it had just reached a boiling point. And that ever pesky curiosity was nagging at her to do something about this itch she felt with him. It would surely lead to pleasurable things… and whatever else came with that could be worth it.

S. Haruno - You know you can have me, anywhere you want, sensei. I’m all yours.

Another murmur through the crowd. Sakura too entranced to even care at this point, when she looked up they were silently staring at the screen, as equally enthralled as she was with her smaller screen. All was well.

10:54 K. Hatake - What time do you finish?

S. Haruno - In 5 minutes.

K. Hatake - Good girl. Wait for me to come and get you.

10:55 S. Haruno - But I want you now.

K. Hatake - Behave yourself, and we’ll both be satisfied.

S. Haruno - Since when have I ever behaved myself? I like being naughty.

10:56 K. Hatake - Fuck Sakura, you’re gonna kill me.

She chuckled now, sitting back and pressing her legs together. Eagerly awaiting Kakashi’s arrival. The idea of him throwing the door open and taking her on the desk was enough to make her drip through to the chair. She was still glad she’d not put those panties back on though.

10:57 K. Hatake - On my way. You better behave yourself and get of everyone, good girls get rewards.

There was a rustle of her students. The video had not quite finished yet but they were just completing the final suturing so it would be enough.

“Alright guys, that’ll do. It’s getting late and I’m beat. If you have any questions or queries please just email them through to me…”

“Can we ask you through NinjaScroll?” Someone piped up at the back. There was another murmur but Sakura tried to be quick about her reply, hurrying to get them out, she didn’t pay the question any thought.

“Yeah, sure. Goodnight everyone.”

“Night Sensei…”

There was more grumbling and murmurs as they filed past her and out the door. Sakura using the spare second to throw back another reply.

10:58 S. Haruno - What position do you want me in for your arrival?

The thrill of this whole thing was raging in her blood, juices practically gushing from her already. Pulsating with want for him to fill her with that thick, hard cock. In a dazed hurry she rushed to unhook the projector, placing her phone on the table for the second. Just about to unplug, she paused when she heard the vibrate of her phone….

But she didn’t even need to look at it to see the message.

K. Hatake - Bent over the desk, waiting like a good girl.

It was displayed up on the screen before her eyes, on the projected image of her laptop… The NinjaScroll app causing the notification to pop up in the bottom right of the screen.

Suddenly Sakura’s face was flushed for entirely different reasons.

So that’s why they had been paying attention to the monitor.

Her jaw dropped open, unable to move for a second. Until she heard the footsteps outside the door… She had better get into position before he entered. She had also better uninstall that app from her laptop before her next lecture.

[ezm-imagines]

Sketchbook (Peter Parker Imagine)

Summary: Peter finds the reader’s sketchbook open on her desk.

Because I’m a sucker for this trope.

Words: 2k

—————————————————

“Y/N?” Peter called into your empty house, after having let himself in.

He wasn’t surprised when there was no reply. You had told him you might be a little late to your study night, as you had an errand to run for your aunt.

Nonetheless, you’d reminded him where the key was and assured him to let himself in and take whatever food he wanted from the fridge (“But don’t eat it all, Parker! I know you and your appetite, and I refuse to allow a repeat of last November!”)

He smiled, remembering your scolding, and grabbed a juice from the fridge before heading to your room to wait.

He liked your room a lot.

You’d decorated it with strings of colored lights and layered it with a seemingly infinite amount of books that never were able to all fit in the bookshelf. You covered the walls in pictures of your friends (many of which included him, which made his heart happy) and lots of your favorite paintings and drawings you had made (along with inspiration of your favorite artists’ works).

That’s something he loved, admiring all your drawings and paintings. You had a real gift. In fact, it’s what started your friendship, when he complimented the sketches in the margins of your math homework in middle school, you’d struck up a conversation and evolved from there.

He smiled to himself at the years of friendship you two shared. It was rather funny, how the years could change so much and yet so little.

His relationship with you had gone from nothing to best friends, yet his feelings had never changed. He’d had a crush on you for as long as he could remember, and now…

Scratch that, his feelings had changed.

He didn’t just have some dumb, kiddy crush on you anymore. He was rather hopelessly in love.

He hummed thoughtfully as his eyes flickered across the framed and unframed artwork- a perfect self portrait you had drawn last year, a painting of the city skyline against a setting sun, some rough sketches for anatomy practice, the early concept drawing of a shirt design contest you had won, a few of your favorite characters and couples…

He could go on and on. How he adored your artwork.

He tossed his backpack onto your semi-messy desk and moved to sit down when he saw your sketchbook.

“The illusive sketchbook,” he mused to himself. He knew the doodled-on covers of this sketchbook (the blue one dedicated for sketches of anatomy and people) like the back of his hand, but he’d only caught glimpses of the inside. Well, he’d seen pictures of some of the work inside of it on your Instagram and Snapchat, but he’d never seen it in person.

You kept the book very secret and close to your chest.

Normally, he would’ve just closed it and gone onto his phone to wait for you, but his eye captured a glimpse of a familiar form. His face broke into an outright grin as he realized: it was Spiderman.

You’d drawn Spiderman.

He bit his lip to stifle the grin, but failed miserably. You didn’t know he was Spiderman, but you still had a strange affinity for the superhero that made Peter really happy.

Knowing full well he shouldn’t, he spun the sketchbook toward him to get a better look.

It was absolutely breathtaking, as all your art was, but this was different. This was HIM.

And he loved it.

He flipped back in the book, to see what else you’d sketched.

In between partially drawn forms and faces, he found more superheroes: Iron Man, Black Widow, Captain America, Scarlet Witch, and even the Winter Soldier.

Although he was proud to admit that each of them only had one or two sketches, whereas he found Spiderman four different times.

He was grinning like an idiot once he reached the front cover.

You liked Spiderman best.

He flipped back to the page it had been on, before noticing the post-it hanging out about three fourths of the way through the book. It was only the corner, but you were nowhere near that end of the book yet- you’d only filled up about the first third of the book- so what could possibly be back there?

He frowned and lifted to that page, before finding a smattering of threatening post its, including “DO NOT ENTER”, “DANGER ZONE”, and a realistic drawing of a middle finger.

He raised an eyebrow and opened it, curious.

The first few pictures weren’t anything out of the ordinary?

In fact, this was the real meat of the sketchbook.

He saw different angles and expressions of your friends. The first page was about a dozen sketches of your face, each more adorable than the last. God, he loved you.

He flipped to the next page to see sketches of your friend Liz.

Drawings of her were to be expected- you two were pretty close.

The next page was dedicated to Ned. He laughed as Ned was sticking his tongue out and crossing his eyes in the middle picture- you’d captured his signature selfie face perfectly.

His favorite part of each page was the banners at the top. Each face on the page had a different date under it, so whenever you drew a certain person, you’d do it on their designated page. But each person’s page had a different font on the banner. Your own had been in a brush pen calligraphy, spelling out your full name. Liz’ was in swirly, cursive lettering ending with a bow. Ned’s was block lettering, with a bunch of small legos making up each letter.

It was really creative, actually. Each banner really represented the person’s personality.

He flipped to the next page, wondering what the next banner would be. His breathing stopped as he saw it was him.

Him him. Not Spiderman him, but Peter Parker him.

You’d drawn his name in a thick, comic book font in all capitals, surrounded by little doodles: an atom, a camera, a brain, and…

And a heart???

Why did he have a heart next to his name?????

He swallowed thickly as his eyes lowered to absorb the different faces you’d captured.

There was his neutral face; him utterly bored out of his mind in one of his classes; him with a massive grin; him rolling his eyes; him with those big, dorky science lab goggles; him asleep, laying his head in his arms on a desk; him staring off into space daydreaming; him scrunching up his nose.

He could hardly breathe just staring at it. You’d drawn him. You’d drawn him!

How did he never know that you’d drawn him?!?!

He spent much longer than he should have staring at the sketches, before taking his phone out and photographing it. He wanted these sketches emblazed in his mind forever.

Eventually, he pried himself from the page and flipped again to find sketches of your mom. Then sketches of Michelle. Then…

Him again. Him cheering, pouting, studying, focusing, texting…

Another page of Peter Parker??? What? No one else had gotten multiple pages.

He flipped back to his previous page and scanned over the dates. The most recent date was from about a year ago.

He flipped to Ned’s page, and saw that his most recent picture was from just last month. He frowned and flipped to his second page and scanned those dates. The most recent of those was almost five months ago.

He flipped farther into the book. After a page of your dad, Flash (which he was proud to see only had two drawings), and actually a page with a couple drawings of his Aunt May, he found yet another page for him.

This one was unlike the others, and featured a few small drawings around a large main drawing in the center:

It was him in his tux for homecoming.

Peter, you, and Ned had all gone to the homecoming together as friends, and he recognized the picture you’d drawn of him as from one of the best pictures that Aunt May had taken of the three of you that night- the one she’d gotten three framed versions of and had given them to both you and Ned.

You’d made him look… really handsome.

He wasn’t too fond of that picture of him, actually, he hated the cheesy smile on his face and how awkward he was in a tux.

But you’d made him look so…

Confident. Comfortable. Cool.

What the fuck?!?

He heard some thumps from the other side of the house before hearing a door close shut.

“Peter?” You called.

“Shit.”

His brain screamed at him to shut the sketchbook and pretend nothing had happened.

But his body didn’t respond.

This wasn’t something he could just pretend was nothing.

This was everything.

He pushed himself up from the desk, grabbing the sketchbook, and set out of the room to find you.

He needed to know what all of this meant. Did you… did you…

“Do you like me?” He asked, staring at you from across the small kitchen as he held up the homecoming sketch.

You turned around to meet his gaze, your eyes flickering over the picture in his hand.

Your brain melted into a flurry of sirens and panic.

Holyfuckholyfuckholyfuck.

“So what if I did?” You answered, attempting to not have a complete breakdown, “And, besides, since when is drawing your best friend a crime? We spend a lot of time together, more than anyone else, so it just makes sense that I draw you a lot. And I don’t know, I just like drawing your face, you have a lot of interesting expressions, and I like the way your curly hair swoops up when you gel it back, and I like the slope of your nose and the shape of your cheek, and the way you raise your left eyebrow more than your right even though you don’t realize it…” your chest clenched at your ramblings and you hurried to correct yourself, “Obviously all in an artistic point of view, none of that has anything to do with how I feel about you or anything… you just… have a really interesting face… objectively…”

You cringed at how obvious you were making this. You bit your lip as you waited for him to reply, praying he wouldn’t freak out.

“I love you.”

You blinked, your breathing completely shutting off, “Excuse me?”

“I said… I… love you,” he repeated, stuttering slightly, “I’m in love with you, I have been since fifth grade.”

“Are you… is this a joke?” You asked, unsure.

“No, it’s- it’s not a joke.”

“Oh,” you replied. Peter liked you. Peter loved you. What the actual fuck was happening. Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit.

“Okay, well, then…” you continued, “I love you… too…” you smiled at him slightly, blushing.

He broke out into a massive grin, which you echoed.

“Can I… um…” he stepped toward you, “Can I kiss you?”

You nodded, happily, leaning forward and kissing him.

He wrapped his arms around you and you laced your hands on the nape of his neck, twirling curls of his hair between your fingers. You were so glad he’d gone through that sketchbook.

You pulled back for a breath, giggling as you whispered, “I’m totally drawing this later." 

[calzona-ga]

It was just a couple of months ago that Grey’s Anatomy’s Jason George was telling TVLine that Ben and Bailey were the kind of marrieds who “work it out no matter what.” But as the time drew nearer for his character to cross over to the ABC drama’s upcoming firefighters spinoff, his outlook was beginning to change. Now, a breakup seems like “a genuine possibility,” he admitted at the show’s recent 300th-episode blowout. “Nothing lasts forever.”

In spite of the risk to his relationship — not to mention the risk to his own physical well-being! — Ben remains determined to give up his promising medical career to saves lives in burning buildings instead of in the O.R. Uh, why? “You know what I honestly think it is? I think it scares the hell out of him,” George suggested. “I think we established in [Season 13’s ‘Ring of Fire’] that Ben was definitely afraid of fire, yet he ran into a fire. He is an adrenaline junkie.

“A lot of really successful people,” he adds, “have said they just went charging at the thing that scared them the most.”

Which, in Ben’s immediate future, might just be his wife. As we’ve already seen starting, “it’s going to get hot” between the couple, the actor summed up with a laugh. “Best-case scenario is, it gets real hot, and that’s meant both for the pun and about their relationship. That’s as good as Ben can hope for.”

[pseudocitrus]

more (a lot of shameless) musing writing/life/etc. this year under the cut (pls check tags if needed):

by the time the end of the year came....i think i started doing....pretty well. that is to say, even right now, i feel surprisingly mentally and emotionally healthy, i think. mostly.

it’s hard for me to say this decisively because i still have moments where i jerk up and suddenly panic about something that is, frankly, kind of silly, or at the very least generally unlikely. like some weeks ago at 3am i woke up and suddenly was unsure if a certain on twitter person (who i have never interacted with!! ever!!) was still following me, and the thought that they might not be was suddenly just, the most terrible thing. for the past couple days i’ve been slipping in again into anxiety attacks that i thought (siiiigh) i “finished” with. thoughts like “disease is so scary i’d rather die now than ever have to experience something really terrible and painful that drives everyone i love into debt and kills me anyway” still pounce up despite my best efforts and curated keyword muting. when i think these things, it’s easy for me to describe myself as not actually happy. something i’m chewing through is the idea that maybe this is an acceptable form of happiness after all — that is, feeling a majority of Totally Fine Feelings, and a minority of disease is so scary i’d rather die now than ever have to experience something really terrible and painful that drives everyone i love into debt and kills me anyway.

i’m really a “words” person, by which i mean a lot of my problems are about words, and so are a lot of my solutions. did i say the right thing? why haven’t they said anything — do they hate me? when i recognize my perspective getting skewed, i try to self-correct by piling through different lenses one by one, until i feel like i can see clearly again. in this way, tokyo ghoul has been a treasure for me, a chest of healing phrases. things like Even if it’s unstylish, live; or, I can’t wish for you to be happy…it’s so easy to become unhappy. I only wish for you to live — these are my magic spells. i cradle them and feel a little warmth, and even sometimes, a little sting in my own eyeballs AAH lmao. i can take a breath and suddenly it’s ok to not have 100% Totally Fine Feelings.

i’m accepting a little more that, similar to how you have to take a shower and eat food and exercise etc. every day and/or frequently, maybe an emotional/psychological well-being isn’t also something that you “level up” and then no longer need to worry about. it has needs that must be cared for. and just like anything else there are times when it gets sick and then especially needs to be cared for, rather than beaten into submission.

i’ve relied a lot on tokyo ghoul this year. some part of me, at the thought of it ending (whether this ends up happening soon or not) feels just~ a little~ terror, lmao. i’ve become really attached. a lot of what i do creatively is related to tokyo ghoul; a lot of the little things that make me happy on a daily or weekly basis is related to tokyo ghoul. i’ve tried other manga and anime series and, at least right now, even if i like them a lot (like the ancient magus bride, vnc!!) they don’t capture my heart as completely.

(frankly, maybe that’s ok. do i really have room for something else that will consume me as much as tg?)

if i try to analyze what’s led me to having what i consider to be a more healthy outlook, i guess i would say that something that’s made me feel more free and good is writing fic the way i have recently…just, the slightly built-out ~200 to ~500 word “headcanons” without much surrounding context, lol. coming up with titles and descriptions has always been a huge pain to me and it’s nice to not have to worry about it.

i talked a little bit about how i started to feel a little less desperate for notes this year, which was a personal problem of mine that i thought i’d have to struggle with forever. frankly, it’s entirely likely that those desires for attention and love (which i did not like relying on as much as i, personally, did) might come back one day, and, i’m trying to prepare myself for it.

if i think about any actions i took concretely to get to this current mindset, however, i’d say that, unexpectedly, writing the small headcanons really helped. they helped me write without me feeling like i’d invested a lot of time and energy into a Full Story whose reception would end up disappointing me in some dumb and irrational way.

i mean.....each headcanon bit still took about an hour or more on average haha. and i still checked for notes and felt really happy for any positive comment. i guess the important thing is that my overall mentality was different. i could relish the act of writing without feeling like i absolutely needed something else other than the writing to have my basic satisfaction met.

i don’t want to go over details, bc writing can be something for me where, the more i talk about it, the less i want to write. but, my mood also took a HUGE turn for the better in november, when i started trying to do nanowrimo. ///

i didn’t finish. i didn’t, technically, even “write” anything — i was super busy, so all i did was plot-outline. but the amount of psychological reward for doing just that much was incredible. i was able to admit to myself that the only thing that kept me from writing “this story” which i so desperately desired to write was plain fear, and giving myself permission to start, was like letting out a breath i’ve held for over a decade. i was afraid of not actually having a story and of not, after all these years of fanfic-writing, being able to actually come up with characters for myself. truthfully, i am still afraid of all these things. but now i’m afraid and have something to show for it other than my own private hopes and dreams, which — after so long — had become more of a poison than a light.

it was around this time that things happening in tokyo ghoul, which sometimes had the ability to drop me into panicked and/or sad and frustrated states, also stopped having such a huge effect on me. (which was good, for me, personally.) i’m still not done with the plot of this story...actually, i haven’t worked on it in a couple weeks lol, there’s been so much going on. but once again i’m starting to some dark thoughts sink their claws into me and now i feel equipped to think, oh........even though i don’t know what to do next in that story, even though i’m still afraid of writing it, even though i know it will be hard and my failure to come up with something might be “proof” that i’m not actually good at writing......the truth is actually that trying to write it anyway is what will make me feel better.

this year is also the year that i finally made some headway into forgiving myself for giving up drawing when my schooling started getting really difficult. for a long time i was frustrated with myself for not drawing — if only i’d used those years more — then i’d be so much better now than i am! i started the year trying to do more digital drawing but just couldn’t swallow my self-loathing long enough to finish anything, so i bought a daily journal thing and invested more in pencils and pens and paint and strangely, having the physical thing, drawing the same way i drew back before i “gave it up,” made it a little easier. (as i write this i feel really stupid, lmao. when i enjoyed drawing, i did it mostly on paper...of course returning to drawing on paper would feel better! idiot!!)

anyway. still. i made myself draw and sincerely, literally hated everything i drew in the first six months. one day the person i live with came home and saw me crying at my desk and was just like, “ah, yes....let me guess....you are a terrible drawer and that means you’re a terrible person,” and i,, just,,

i drew faces over and over and also allowed myself my enraged commentary. i copied. i did it over and over and over again. and finally — just now, literally just now, i’ve been drawing and....not hating it at least 50% of the time, lmao. with the daily journal it’s easy to look back into earlier months and feel furiously embarrassed by how terrible some of my old sketches look, and also feel strangely relieved. like.....ah, ok. so all of that effort. even if all i could do was cry in the short-term. ended up leading to something in the long-term after all.

anyway, i accept i’m not an amazing drawer. in my real life i feel surrounded by artists who look at my dumb scribbles and make comments on whatever weird anatomy i did that i had five seconds prior thought looked totally fine. all i want, at least for now, is to be able to draw more of the kinds of things i like, and this year i feel thankful i had the privilege and luck and energy to do more of that.

hmmm. anyway. that’s it i guess. this year had a lot of lows, not just for me personally but for like,, my entire country, lol. the kind of special helplessness and hopelessness i’ve felt this year is something i’ve never felt before. sometimes indulging in my own self-introspection feels unbearably selfish. how could you possibly be focusing on your dumb feelings and thoughts when there’s so many other important things going on?

even if it’s a selfish belief, i want to think that allowing myself to struggle in self-love, allowing myself to have space to exist with all my flaws and failures, is important self-defense in a world that feels increasingly like it wants to snuff me out. my small relatively trivial personal struggles this year have really taught me that my bad feelings are “ok” to feel and that i always always always have the power to react in my own way. my bad feelings, as much as i wish they just didn’t exist, have, this year, have helped me understand a lot more about the way that i actually want to live my life.

ANYWAY!! BIG SIGH!!!! here’s to 2018!!! :’)