#i dont want to talk to anyone else tbh
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Spiralling AGAIN would you believe it
#txt#trying to figure it out#i tried to be there for jim and listen to him and be a good partner#but he barely opened up#i didnt know he wanted to leave me#he chose to open up when i was mad#so i didnt respond#so that i didnt yell#not that that is his fault#i should have done better#but i couldny#in that house#i was so overstimulated all the fucking tome#time#like always#and i didnt even realise it#until he kicked me put#out*#and now im just guilty over everything.#why wasnt i better#why cpuldnt i be better#its not fair that he didnt tell me#3 months and you really couldnt tell me what was on your mind#thats unfair man#i was trying so hard to be better#to do better#giving him space is almost impossible#hes my best friend and my soul mate#i dont want to talk to anyone else tbh#so being ignored is like a knife to my chest and idk what to do about it and this is my last tag i can put it and i just dont even know
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juvie buddies
#alek art#td duncan#td mal#total drama#total drama all stars#(if i want to get technical)#2024#duncan is around 15 here... mal is around 16#ive thought really hard about them these past few days . in my brain they actually knew each other and canon is different#duncan and mike got along really well. in juvie mal refused to speak to anyone about anything and would fight as many people as he could .#he wanted to stay in there and far away from home . they get roomed together and duncan is the first person who mal can talk to . he isnt#scared of him . he relates to him a lot . like -> wow we both act out for attention and people think we are terrible because of it#duncan being a mentally ill teenager seeing mal an also very mentally ill teenager thought 'i can fix him' . mike and duncan speak too here#i cant really see anyone else fronting besides those two . their brain was on lockdown and mike wanted out so bad . i see manitoba as a#gatekeeper so hed handle some sessions with their psych. i want to say they (duncan and mike) get moved to a psyche ward just because#i have more knowledge on being in one and how it goes ... but yeah i like duncan mal a lot . this art isnt ship whatsoever though 🙏 i dont#see them as a couple their dynamic is just better as friends imo#but anyways in all stars they obviously recognize each other but have an unspoken agreement not to say anything abt it#duncan is a known criminal but mike isnt like that . mike hadnt even told zoey about that part of his life . so duncan wanted to respect his#privacy -> then mal starts hurting people and he has to step in . mal isnt a good person by any means but i dont think he was that bad in#juvie . so duncan had to come to terms that his friend wasnt the same person he was years ago (in all stars duncan is ~18 and i think mike#is almost 20... so it had been a while since they last talked)#them getting each other like no other and being in pain because they couldnt really speak . i see them having a conversation still in moon#madness abt their past and history . god i just think abt them and their wasted potential wdym mike and duncan were in juvie together#duncan was in for trespassing or destruction of private property or something really dumb . mal fought his parent(s) and got in for assault#mal was already in when duncan was placed . and duncan was let out early on good behavior + his parents (dad) mostly did it to teach him a#lesson . wrong of them or otherwise . so mal was just kinda stuck there until they realized he was actually not right in the head . think he#knew abt their DID but was only diagnosed in juvie and had to go from there . tbh he shouldve been tried as an adult but td logic . doesnt#matter dw guys . mike gets the 'was put on random meds that made him go braindead' treatment bc that was me . post mental hospital abilify#had me messed up
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I saw you might accept tiny drabble reqs for Wanderer?
What about Sethos, Traveler, or even Childe (if you wanna go Scaramouche) finding a "malfunction" in his body that when triggered immediately causes a sneeze/sneeze fit, no matter what. Could be tweaking a certain mechanism, could be a surge of elemental energy (specific element or not), could be dragging a touch in a specific line or rythym along his face/nose?
Might suck idk
this went through so many rewrites that i felt like i was bordering on losing it entirely. i cut off a huge chunk of words cause i just couldn't figure out how to conclude it through that route. maybe i'll reuse it for a different fic later....
anyways. i took creative liberties when it came to what the "malfunction" was hope u don't mind-
"Hh'InKkyYSHhii!"
A particularly strong breeze ruffled Sethos' hair as he startled, almost dropping the cat in his arms as he spun around to stare at the Wanderer, who had been standing behind him. Of all the responses Sethos' could've gotten to off-handedly comparing the other to the cute little kitten in his arms, he hadn't been expecting that.
It was obvious the Wanderer hadn't been expecting it either, if the startled and slightly hazy look on his face was any indication. Sethos opened his mouth to ask- and was interrupted before he could even begin as the Wanderer snapped forwards with two more drawn out sneezes, the resulting pulses of anemo making the loose edges of his clothes flutter.
"HihH'KksShHnii! Hh-heEH-hH'iikKSHyhn-tii!" The Wanderer pressed the back of his hand against his nose, rubbing it for a moment before stopping and just letting his hand rest there, pressed against his nose.
"Woah, are you okay? Those sound way worse than normal." Sethos finally managed to ask- and, as he sort of predicted, the Wanderer responded to that by glaring at him.
"Tch, I'm fine." The Wanderer's voice also sounded different than usual, though Sethos couldn't really place his finger on what, exactly, was different. "Just ihH- ...ignore it-hH'IinNkSHhiiu!!"
"Kinda hard to ignore it when you keep doing it." Sethos said, trying to fix the strands of his hair that'd been blown out of place- and oh, now he knows why the Wanderer's voice sounded off- "You sound a bit congested- are you sick?"
"Wh- no. I-I'm not."
"Then what's up with you?"
"It's just- hH-hiH-.... a-a cat allergy."
"...A cat allergy." Sethos deadpanned, glancing down at the cat in his arms to see if it was believing this complete bullshit before looking back up at the Wanderer, who avoided his eyes.
"What, do you need me to... to repeat it?" The Wanderer rubbed slightly more intensely at his nose, clearly trying to hold back another sneeze.
"No no no, it's just- well, I've seen you hanging out with cats before, and there's never been any-"
"HhiH'KkyYSHhii! Fuck!" The Wanderer swore, before rapidly turning and starting to hurriedly walk away from Sethos.
"Wait, hey! Where are you going?!"
"None of your business!"
~
Over the past three days, Sethos had come to collect a mental list of the Wanderer's supposed 'allergies'. Cats, dust, Sumeru roses, a passerby's perfume, and... sand.
Sethos took issue with that last one specifically, he was absolutely certain that one was not possible, and besides, they're in the city. Sethos has been staying in a rented room and hasn't been back to the desert in over a week- there's not even any sand here to be allergic to!
So, overall, Sethos is 99.8% sure the Wanderer is just outright lying, and should really really be resting in a bed, because he did not seem to be getting better- and the redness of his face, whenever Sethos managed to catch a good glimpse of it from under the Wanderer's hat, was just red enough to indicate a fever.
And, of course, this conclusion is what led Sethos to, at the first opportunity, grab hold of the Wanderer's arm and start practically dragging him back to the Sanctuary of Surasthana.
From the moment he grabbed hold of him, Sethos couldn't help but note that it felt like the Wanderer was shaking.
Shockingly enough, the Wanderer had stopped protesting after the first few minutes, obediently letting himself be pulled along in silence. Or, well, near silence- the Wanderer sneezing intermittently as they walked upward.
(There was also a faint sort of... whirring noise that Sethos couldn't place. He chose to ignore it for now, focusing on the Wanderer's obvious illness first).
Nahida standing at the entryway to the Sanctuary with her arms crossed wasn't much of a surprise.
Aether standing next to her in the exact same pose kinda-sorta was though.
"Hey," Aether said, sliding up between Sethos and the Wanderer, "Hand Mr. Hat Guy over to me while you explain... whatever is going on to Nahida."
After a moment, Sethos obediently handed the Wanderer over (the Wanderer himself too busy focusing on holding his breath in an attempt to keep himself from sneezing to protest), and then turned to begin to explain the situation to Nahida, not even noticing Aether leading the Wanderer off to the side.
"You have to tell him." Aether whispered, "You can't keep this up forever."
The Wanderer, still holding his breath, shook his head no.
"No as in you don't wanna tell him, or no as in you agree that you can't keep this up?"
Aether smirked as the Wanderer glared at him, before turning to pay more attention to Sethos' explanation.
"-and he keeps insisting that he's just allergic-"
"Ha, allergic to blushing maybe." Aether mumbled. The Wanderer harshly elbowed him in the chest, before snapping to the side with a sneeze.
"Hh-hIH'KksSHhyii!! HehH-" The Wanderer's wavering breath was quick to hitch again, and he hurriedly pinched his nose shut, attempting to hold his breath again. Aether noticed with some amusement that the whirring noise that had arrived with the Wanderer had just gotten considerably louder.
"Y'see!" Sethos said loudly, snapping both Aether and the Wanderer's attention back to him. "He clearly needs to be in bed!"
"I-I'm finehH-hH'iikKSHyhn-tii!! Hh'InKkyYSHhii!!"
"His room is on the right, five doors down the left hallway." Nahida said, ignoring the Wanderer's sputtered attempts at protest through hitching breaths. Sethos promptly thanked her, and wasted no time in snatching the Wanderer's wrist and dragging him into the Sanctuary. Aether walked back up to stand beside Nahida as they both watched the Wanderer willingly get led to the left and then vanish down the hallway.
"Y'know." Aether started, "I don't think he hates this treatment, as much as he's trying to make it seem otherwise. ...How long do you think until he tells him-"
"-that his systems are overreacting to being flustered, and the whirring vibration is affecting him in very unsubtle ways?" Nahida finished for him, "Hm... I'd say about a week."
"You wanna bet on it?"
"Sure!"
#Gen/shin Imp/act#snz#snz fic#my writing#me cutting stuff out and rushing the ending so that it wont take months for me to write this??#maybe so.#anyways. this is me saying that the W/anderer essentially can purr. this is my propaganda.#ALSO i don't have the slightest clue how to write congestion#so you'll just have to IMAGINE that he sounds a bit like he's congested while talking#the longer explanation is that the whirring of whatever mechanisms are inside him makes his whole body vibrate-#which of course makes his nose tickly. but also affects his voice.#hence. this shenaniganary.#yeah. look dont question it okay. my blog i can do whatever crazy hc stuff i want#ALSO i think the idea of the W/anderer trying to explain his sneezing away via SAND ALLERGY is hilarious#not that he has sand in his nose. which is much more reasonable. no. just. sand ALLERGY. specifically.#its a stupid excuse and he KNOWS its a stupid excuse#i was gonna include a whole scene of it but i couldn't get it to work hsldkfjlkdsfs#if anyone else writes/draws the W/anderer using that excuse i will owe u my life tbh its so fucking funny to me
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Yknow, pvp civ is actually pretty damn good when evbo isn't making meta/fourth wall breaking jokes every minute and pissing me off
#uzuyaps#Another thing was ofc evbo being annoying and weird abt wanting tabi to be his girlfriend but that bit is thankfully over!#Tbh I actually laughed out loud at the joke abt evbo talking abt his relationship woes in the recording he accidentally sent to parrot#And not wanting him to see. For some reason the way he said it was so funny to me 😭#And I'm giving evbo the benefit of the doubt and saying he's probably going for a similar thing w/ all the meta stuff#That joke abt him not doing actual internal monologue/narration and him just talking out loud.. that joke abt his videos being personal#and him not wanting anyone else to see UNLESS theyre a hypothetical audience of thousands!! 🤑🤑#And stuff like that makes me feel like hes Setting Up Something#But idk#The thing is evbo is really good at setting up a story and getting you engaged when he wants to. But it's kinda ruined by the need to#Constantly make references about that stupid guard room and how lazy he is for not having designed it yet 😝 like SHUT UP I DONT CARE!!!#ABOUT THE STUPID ROOM!!!!!!!!! IM TRYING TO GET INVESTED IN YOUR WORLD!!!!#BUT BECAUSE YOU FEEL THE CONSTANT NEED TO POINT OUT THE WAYS IT ISNT REAL I CANT!!!^@/@/+:2>+<!%^!;!
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Irep is so baby girl to me... I can't even explain why. He just. Is the complete opposite of what he tries to seem.
He thinks he's alpha, but he's actually omega. He thinks he's tough, but he's very sensitive. He thinks nobody sees him protect flowers and snails from whatever chaos is happening. He thinks his parents don't know he secretly likes the color pink and cute baby animals. He thinks Peri doesn't know about his insecurities surrounding their entire dynamic (that Irep feels lesser than, and that he has no purpose in life bc it has always revolved around Peri). He knows some make fun of his appearance, and though he tries to act haughty and tough about it, it really does stab his self esteem. He's probably a huge mama's boy. Maybe he really did like Dev and the experience made him wish he could be a godparent. (It would give him purpose outside of Peri, too.) There's more...but...IDK...he's just babygirl to me. <3
#irep#fop irep#fop anw#fop a new wish#personal#i dont talk about irep much but hes my other love#tied with dale tbh#i rlly hope he gets more screentime if we get s2 aaah#goofy aaah i love him lmao#dale and irep are my top faves and peri is my 2nd and everyone else is 3rd#in case anyone wanted to know my fav character tier lol
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here's what i could find on the situation ..
#the only posts are from this guy#from what i can tell the girls Are in college but their ages are not known. the poster doesnt have a certain number either#but that doesnt clear him of possible gr**ming or still being a potential *#☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️#and hes trying to make them go to indiana like why tf would anyone want to go there#if anyone knows more abt this pls tell me yall#i dont follow edey in college or now and i was just planning to since hes on my team#but i always liked hearing his name bcs he would be great asian rep in the league (ik hes biracial but still)#the guy who posted this said he got the qrt from the boyfriend of the girl#and said an age range but not sure#the poster did not like zach b4 this and continues not to like him after#(talking abt his stats but not mentioning anything else abt this)#are there anymore posts im missing???#it's crazy theres just two from the same source and never again but athletes do have a power against ordinary ppl#smthing couldve been signed or smthing#and contained the situation immediately#.. but idk#from what i can tell all girls are in college but the ages are not confirmed#pls if anyone knows anything more abt this let me know...#i just wanted gg to have a friend tbh :( ill just stick with my wemby gg propaganda then
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sometimes i truly do feel so isolated and alienated because even if people on here are lonely and sad they still have friends and partners and they're capable of having jobs and getting educations ... and im like ok wow im like actually the only one who doesn't just "feel" those things but also is completely worthless and insignificant. cool 👍
#and it's why i cant feel connected to anyone even if some ppl are nice to me#bc ok yeah but at the end of the day i still AM a loser while u have a life and ppl who care abt u........#nobody gets me. like for real...... ☹️#having avpd is fucked up and a curse tbh#idk rn im also in an avpd moment where i cant even reply to anyone at all#im like ok wow.... i both feel like im only worthless and stupid and awkward anyway why even bother trying#plus im genuinely like tired...... i just wanna be the most important to ONE person and be chosen by them over everyone else#never having experienced that just makes everything else pale away in comparison like i cant even find it in me to feel anythinf#anything*#im just feeling so fucking sad and im realizing how fkn alone i an#AM* god trying so hard not to cut myself since i cant even type properly#and since i have avpd that only makes me isolate myself more which makes me more miserable#but also the thing is... my only choice IS to isolate myself bc i dont have anybody#having short shallow social exchanges w ppl who i only exist a little bit to is making me feel more empty#i so badly need deep strong emotional connections#but actually i dont even care abt that... really truly all i want is to be no 1 to one person#so.... i dont know i dont fkn know all i know is that im so lonely#and even if shallow impersonal things can sustain me sometimes im in an avpd mood rn where i feel so fuckinf#fucking***** broken and worthless and all i want is to further isolate myself#bc when i try to talk to ppl im reminded of how stupid i am#bc they mean sm more to me than i do to them#bc they have real lives with real ppl that matter to them!!!#it's not what my soul needs so i just cant bring myself to.....#idk i also feel like an asshole bc i truly appreciate nice messages#idk i just wanna cry tbh and kms bc i will always have avpd and be broken 🩷
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i feel like one of the main draws of the ganonbeck ship is that ganondorf is wildly out of linebeck’s league but it can work anyways
#tbh linebeck dating insanely out of his league seems to be the through-line between a lot of linebeck crackships#something enticing abt the idea of ganondorf basically having the pick of whoever the fuck he’d want and deciding on this skinny wet cat#ganonbeck#linebeck#ganondorf#like the other linebeck crackships i know of are with ghirahim or midna. powerful demon or twili royalty lol#tbh the setup of ganondorf being miles out of linebecks league is interesting in of itself#allows for exploration of why ganondorf likes linebeck instead of anyone else as well as how the fuck linebeck managed this#ganondorf is like. king of the gerudo wielder of power very skilled magic user a man important in hyrule as a whole#and linebeck is just some guy who like. commits petty crime and fucks around and finds out for money#this dumbass crackship has potential to be comedic tragic sappy dramatic adventurous. what the hell is happening but its fun#salty talks#dont mind me im struggling to write my ganonbeck oneshot but im making up for it by thinking Really Hard#man this really started bc a cool artist realized that linebeck and ganondorf could interact in ssbu
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ive been trying for 30 mins to write a post about why the Web's plan is still confusing, but I think I should face the truth and admit to myself that it's not that it makes no sense, it's just... so convoluted
#they needed jon to kill jonah cause it seems like only he could call him down#and they couldnt go through with the original plan because.... tbh still not sure on that one. at least not with the reasoning annabelle#gives. assuming that how everything works out now is how they intended it to#which it must be because if jon was ever ever going to consider 'letting anyone else feel that guilt' he sure as hell wasn't now that he#got introduced to the plan while a giant spider dangled his boyfriend above a pit. not conducive to jon cooperation#so originally spidermartin would have driven him to burn the archives and kill jonah. but theyre bond is too strong now so even if martin#would be spiders Jon wouldnt do the plan. .... huh#i just dont get that leap#why does their bond being stronger make jon less willing to burn it all down. so to say#would he want to keep his promise to martin and not become the pupil? but he did! he does! he does even when martin ISNT spiders! aaah#one thing that could make everything more elegant is if Annabelle wasnt telling the whole truth. she says they need to kill 'the pupil'#jon has been described as 'the pupil' as early as s2. and why would the Fears follow his voice on the tapes#and not just stick with his voice in jon the person?#solution; not only does the pupil have to die and the archives burn down at the same time#but jon has to be the pupil when it happens#... except that ALSO doesnt work because according to Jon Annabelle wasnt lying when she said that this would allow them both to 'survive'!#so unless we read the transcript in very bad faith and assume that she was talking about the hypothetical scenario of íf the fears leave;#then youll live; (but for them to leave youll have to die) this solution is out as well#but it would mean theyd need martin unspidered because hed be the only person able to kill jon when hes the pupil because 'it feels right'#(throwback to 178)#tma#tma meta#joos yaps#delete later#a mag a day#tma s5#one nearly incoherent ramble later.....#if anyone has a good Watsonian solution to tie everything up neatly plz link me to a post
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FOR LIKE. CONTEXT. idiot's guide is broken up into two arcs, arc 1 is... almost done i think. hopefully. there's still kind of a ways to go for arc 2
so essentially i'm thinking about, once i do finish writing and editing arc 1, starting to post those chapters on a once a week schedule. then if i haven't finished arc 2 by the time i run out, i'd take a break from posting until it does get finished. if it is finished by then i'll just continue posting lmaofjdsklfjd
#talk tag#HOPEFULLY THIS MAKES SENSE LMAO#uhhh. idk what else#like okay i knowwwwwww i know i said im waiting and i WILL if thats what the poll says but also#i am very excited for some of the stuff i already have written LMAO#and i feel like posting it and getting like feedback and shit will help motivate me maybe????? idk shrugs#I REALLY REALLY WANT TO SEE PPL FIGURE IT OUT#i like. legit. always forget that ppl dont know as much as me bc its My Fic#and i assumed ppl would know [redacted] only to realize that. its not explicitly stated or even heavily implied. just lightly implied#so it makes sense that ppl Wouldn't know. and now i am very very very very very excited to see when people figure it out LMAO#among other things#yes there are MULTIPLE secrets to be figured out#though one of them i think is probably not. like. i don't think anyone's gonna figure it out until it's Actually Revealed In Text#or very few people anyway#either way i'm excited akl;fjdklsjfd#i looooooove seeing ppls theories whether they're right or wrong tbh
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everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏
#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too#things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄#jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that#having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically#and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me#despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence#and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik-#she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh#and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space#and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she-#likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man#i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them#theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road#theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill-#finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me#old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc#anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included-#bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately#also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that#im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it..#ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too#its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes#regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a#fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling#and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........#sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!!#.diaries
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I wonder if vere doesnt get w anyone bc its just too easy to stop caring about others (im projecting)
Edit: no hes probably too passionate for that. He doesnt wanna get w ppl bc he knows he'll be a slave to love probably.
His fatal flaw is wanting power so love would be a weakness
#lets gooooo selfish monstrosity#redstrewn talks#i can stop caring about things and people SO easily its honestly scary#i was only a little less obsessed w other fandom and characters as i am w touchstarved now. and now? i dont think abt them at all anymore#same w some people. some people i forget exist at all.#my exes? its so scary how once i let go of them i completely let go. like i dont feel anything at all. do i hate them? theres#something to hate w everyone but mostly i just dont CARE#shaking how ppl say the opposite of love is not hate but *indifference.* i am screaming.#vere is a hater thou. maybe he loves TOO much.#tbh maybe vere doesnt get w anyone bc hes scared of being TOO attached#maybe hes scared of being a slave to love bc he will ALWAYS be hungry and NEVER satisfied and he doesnt want to be under#the mercy of something else like that#yeah its probably more of that and not the shit i was projecting onto him lmfao#vere gives me the vibe of someone whos TOO passionate for things#hes fiery like that#hes too passionate he knows not to care abt people or else it will consume him. or something.
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Im cursing [REDACTED] right NOW
#god i better never have contact with this guy again or i might flip out on him#im about to ramble about my past “dating" adventures (we were casual but sheesh cant even be friends with this guy tbh)#im realizing months later how much this guy i used to talk to sucked#like DUDE be a better or stay single FOREVER (ΘдΘ)#and by that i mean learn how to better handle approaching others feelings!#god the way he would just shutdown others ppls feelings and it was just an endless loop of “that doesnt make sense” or “thats dumb”#sure emotions can be irrational but if someone is desperately TRYING to explain why they feel a way (even if theyre struggling to be clear)#maybe dont be so dismissive#like literally one time i was annoyed cause talking to him was grating on my nerves#and i was like ik it doesnt make sense so let me step away cause im annoyed#and hes like trying to logic me out of my annoyance???#like worstie im literally walking away so i can cool off#leave it be!#god looking back on all this....#i hope to god whoever hes talking to (if hes talking to anyone) isnt dealing with similar things#ppl can change so ill just hope for that#or maybe he'll meet his match#someone who reflects the same energy he has!#tho im not sure if hed like that haha#the guy seemed to have a lot of relationship problems in general (romantic and platonic) and i wanted to have the benefit of the doubt#but now im thinking maybe his personality was also just clashing with everyone elses#which isnt necessarily a bad thing on its own#gotta get context for everything u know#but in this case....naur#like im a pretty anxious person so how ppl i care about will react to what im doing or saying is constantly at the back of my mind!#so ppl who just come off as flippant about my fee fees annoy me fr#im like “ahh what if i upset so and so” constantly#trying to make sure not to make things harder for them#and they cant even spare me a single thought before doing something and dismiss me when i get upset#but also they wanna come to me when theyre feeling sad about something???
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dad and i have our differences but seeing him was . really good. i love him so much and we talked about. SO much which we rarely do (we're both busy and have anxiety and don't talk unless we Need to)
#milo.txt#idk he talked to me abt things he hasnt talked to anyone else in the family about#and he was talking about some dipshits reaction to him getting a divorce from mom and i could tell he like . needed? to vent about it#and i was like no dude she was being fucking stupid about it and also i can remember the EXACT moment i realized o h#i dont want to be around this person anymore ever actually#anyways. i just love him a lot and i think he gets me like no one else does in the fam tbh
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My gf and I have talked about hypothetically opening up our relationship at some point in the future which would make me very happy as a polyamorous person, but I just realized that if that actually happens and I have to go back out on the dating scene I'm gonna have some trouble bc now that I'm more outwardly butch people are gonna expect me to make the first move and I have never made a first move in my entire life
In all of my relationships but two the first move was made by the other person, and I wasn't even the person who made the first move in the other two. In the first one the girl chickened out on her plans to ask me out and then our mutual friend who didn't realize that that had happened outed her by asking me what I said afterwards, and in the second one me and the other person both went to the same friend on the same day to talk about our crushes on each other and then she made us talk about our feelings
I met my current girlfriend on a dating app, and the first time she tried to ask me on a date she wanted to take me to the theater so she asked me if I had seen the new beauty & the beast movie and then instead of realizing that she was asking me on a date I said that I'd already seen it and gave her a negative review of the movie. And then when she asked me on a date again a few weeks later I had to ask to make sure it was a date when I got there 😭
...And that reminds me of another event in high school where a girl I liked took me to the mall and we walked around holding hands the entire time and then afterwards I had to get one of our mutual friends to ask her if it was supposed to be a date bc I was too nervous and also stupid 😭 Another girl that year asked me to skip class with her and told me that if I flashed my pretty smile at the teacher I could probably get away with it and I had to show the text to my friend to ask if she was flirting. I'm gonna die out there on my own 😭
#rambling#the friend i showed the message to was the same one i made ask the other girl if it was a date#and he didnt even answer he just raised his eyebrow and stared at me like 'really?'#god im just. remembering how stupid i was in high school now#there were two other crushes that i had who may have potentially liked me back and i may have even been told that by multiple people#but i was so deep in my self hatred and also stupid that i didnt think it was possible for them or anyone else to like me 😭#they both were friends of mine and they eventually stopped talking to me completely and i couldnt figure out why#and now i hope its not bc they they thought i was leading them on. bc i wasnt. i was just a massive idiot#you have to explicitly tell me that youre interested in me or want to go on a date or whatever or im not gonna get it#and tbh. that didnt even always work#my first major crush in high school was on a girl who told me directly multiple times that she was into me#but i was even DEEPER in my self hatred at that time#(and also only just figuring out how social interaction worked bc she was helping my autistic ass learn)#so i just. assumed it was a joke. bc no one could have possibly been interested in me and definitely not such an amazing person#i guess at least i have a scrap of self confidence now and im brave enough to ask for clarification now#and if i specifically ask someone on a date at least i would know for sure its a date?#and it could either be lame or cute but i could ask for permission to kiss them. it worked for my gf#i cant interpret signals for shit 😭#i dont even have a valid reason to be thinking about this right now lol its not like i have permission to date anyone else romantically yet#but ive been watching clone high with my gf and abe keeps misinterpreting joan directly saying that she wants him in increasingly dumb ways#and i just keep cringing bc i realized that that was me ahdjsksl....#only difference is in my case it was never bc i was ignoring them for someone else. it was ALWAYS bc i was an idiot#literally i would be there pining for them and every attempt they made would go right over my head#you have to be morosexual and very persistent to date me 😭 or tell a mutual friend whos very persistent ig lol#i know we are All useless lesbians but i think i deserve a medal or smth#ill hang it on my corkboard next to the souvenir that one of my crushes who i didnt think liked me back got for me in high school#which was a plastic license plate that said 'babygirl' on it bc that was her nickname for me 😅#god i really hope people didnt think i was leading them on. imagine someone thinking im a player flirting with a bunch of different girls#without ever making things official. when really if i found out for certain any of them were interested in me i would have died of shock 😭#and if we WERE in fact flirting i wouldnt have realized it. i was just SO scared and SO stupid 😭😭😭
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Hi! I'm trying to get more involved in the Ted Lasso community, and I've seen you around a lot, so I wanted to ask if you had advice? I write sometimes, but I'm not sure if there are any discords or other communities? I'm really enjoying seeing everyone's works!
oh wow! i didn't realize i seemed to get around lgkjhfgh well uhhhh honestly i have never been the best at intentional social...ness. for me, it's mostly a combination of like,
a) i post my writing on ao3 and make silly tumblr posts about what im thinking/ideas i've had/etc, and then like, sometimes i strike up conversation with people who respond, take note of repeat customers/urls i see a lot, that kind of thing
b) there are discords, several--i'm in two, although one is fairly inactive and both are relatively tedependent centered (the smaller one is entirely ted/trent focused, the other is more broadly slash ships in the ted lasso fandom with a large ted/trent shipper presence). i'm not super active in these servers and i'm not really aware of the policy on invites or if they're open?? especially for the bigger one (afc richmond server). but i doubt you couldn't join if you asked around?? maybe off anon, though, not sure.
c) people i know who are already into it lol. few and far in between, though.
but hey, even sending asks isn't a bad way to start engaging with the community--whether just thoughts you've had, questions about what thoughts they have or fics they're writing or anything else. or responding to posts and commenting on fics (if you want to start a conversation in the comments section of a fic, i recommend detail and maybe a question or two--chances are the author would love to talk with you about their fic!), or, of course, sharing your own posts/fic/art/etc!
have fun and good luck!
#joining a discord ain't a bad idea but they tend to be fairly curated for whatever you're interested in you know#like especially different ships#anyway im happy to talk if you want to send more asks or anything!#kinda flattered tbh i dont get a lot of asks in general so#i didn't realize i was so... visible? idk if that's a good word#to be clear thats not a bad thing its just like. oh! ok :)#askbox#anonymous#sorry this isnt great advice but in my defense i dont know what im doing#also if anyone else wants to chime in feel free
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