#i dont want to put too much pressure on myself
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Depending on my progress today & tomorrow, I might be able to post a new chapter this weekend! This is a big DEPENDING, considering today remains busy and I had a busy week in general, but we're going to sit and hope anyway <3
#yesterday (it was so far away)#blah blah with duel#i dont want to put too much pressure on myself#taking a break and slowing down on writing has been BLISS#but also. i feel guilt for not working on this damn fic BFEHBGHE#i love it though and i will finish it. i know i will. i just need time#also another fic might go up eventually on my ao3#that one is purely self indulgent
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i dont think i have the right to ask this, since i so rarely have the energy to reply, but .. i want my drive to draw art back and this awful depression gone (or at least made less bad..) so desperately that i will bear the shame of asking it anyway, just in the hopes of something getting that spark i had held onto for so long to light back up
though .. im not sure what i want to ask for, i guess .. anything? something you'd like to see me draw, a compliment, a question- whether zelda or oc related, a little totk rant of your own, a picture of your cat, a random fun fact-
#ganondoodles talks#i feel guilty just writing this#i feel like i do so little and ask for so much#too much#and the good ol 'you dont have the right to feel this miserable- theres people literally dying' is back ever so strong#i have barely been looking at anything online#idk why its gotten this bad now of all times#of course this is nothing you are requuired to do#i am not trying to put pressure on anyone#or make anyone feel bad#or responsible for me bad feeling#i just ... want out of this .... and dont seem to be able to do it myself#i am hoping all i need is just a little push to get me over the edge of fighting back again#i know therapy and/or meds would probably be better#but the former is basically impossible to get here- and i got bad experiences with it#and the latter would be a long process of things that cause me so much stress and im afraid it wont make anythign better#.............if our doctor would even be willing to get anything going#maybe this is all just headache sleep depreived wahteever thought sludge#.. im going to bed :U
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i keep thinking about a phandom book club, but i have no idea how to go about organizing it or if anyone would be interested or even where to host it
alternatively is there already a phandom book club i could join? because i would love that
#tbh my first thought is TheStoryGraph bc they have group/buddy reads but idk if anyone else uses that much#there's discord (which im not super familiar with even though i have used it)#or making a separate community here#or i guess fable but i truly dont know how anything works over there#plus like... yes there's a few names i can think of who might be in but overall idk!#and i dont want to put pressure on anybody either#i am terrible at reaching out and staying in contact and all that. always have been. even though i think about people all the time#im just not very good socially and im so worried about coming across a certain way or saying the wrong thing#so more often i keep to myself and i think sometimes i come across like i dont care or standoffish or something#but that's not it. i care so much i just get scared that it's too much or in the wrong ways.#im better at hiding but i know i need to get over it. its just hard.#(and i tell myself you know..#'not feeling lonely i just like being alone' but it's less true than i like to think it is#ANYWAY feelings dump aside i think a book club would be fun. i just dont know how to go about it.#ks talks
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feeling sooo stuck with my content rn🤪🤪‼️
#txt#i started this blog with lotsa cas & now im posting jimmy nd darlin and i love them dearly#bUt#im a gameplayer im not a cas person im def not a builder;;#& yes the duttons ARE a gameplay. series ? but theres truly almost no gameplay in ts4#and i do want to include some story elements i wanted to work on darlins character bio today#but it feels so unnatural and foreign to me#partly in a new and exciting way bc yeah!!!! trying new things!!!! wooo!!!!#(thats why i started this legacy in the first place)#but also. coming back to ts3 after 5 months it really put into perspective how lackluster the gameplay in ts4 is to me#dont get me wrong i used to love it i used to have multiple legacies i got to gen 6 with#which is a big accomplishment to me#& i used to have so many fleshed out sims just by the magic of playing with them and my silly little brain#but. i feel like im putting too much pressure on myself with jimmy bc he means so much to me i want him to be the best sim ive ever played#and to be distinct and like a. uuum. primary figure on my blog lmao#like when u think of me u think of jimmy even years down the line. or whatever#but thats so much pressure and GAHHGHH#the urge to post filler content from the duttons up until the point i figure myself tf out is real but also.#i dont wanna do that i dont want jimmy to be filler#-___-augh god#if you actually read this all have a tulip 🌷 . ily. some advice or words of wisdom or reassurance would be greatly appreciated
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Freak it I am going on a writing hiatus.
#mayu rambles#might still stay here#might not#i have been doing not so well in writing to be fair#trying to get back to it#but not alot of progress#not gonna lie i just want to restart tbh#been putting alot of pressure on myself here to complete stuff#since i have the tendency to think that yes i could do it which was more so no that is too much#yeahhhhhhhhhh#i will still be here#just not writing anymore i dont think#but who knows maybe next year i might come back#dunno... no promises *insert skull emoji here*
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Welcome to day one of how many times can my mother tear me down and destroy my confidence in one go. How many days will this go on? Im not sure! Tune in next time for a brand new episode of Taking Advantage Of My Kids Rejection Sensitivity, youre watching the disney channel.
#Sometimes I really do just honestly kind of hate her. I know it's a horrible thing to say about one's parents who care for them but it's#true. With the way that she treats me and criticises me and takes every advantage of a chance to tear me down it just really hurts all the#time. I can't criticise her because she ll fly off the handle at me and say how many things she does for me that i dont apreciate enough#But for her she can say as many times as she wants that she doesn't like my hair and she doesn't like the way I dress and she doesn't like#This the way I look and she doesn't like the way I stand and she doesn't like the things I say and she doesn't like my beliefs#She can say she doesn't like my tone of voice and that she doesn't like the way i stress out about things and im not allowed to say#A negative word about her in edgeways when she's allowed to tear me down on a constant basis and make me hate myself. As someone who really#Struggles with a lot of self loathing problems and self hatred she really does just rip into me with no restraint constantly. She knows#That I suffer with some serious rejection sensitive dysphoria that I am trying to get therapist help for and she still has no restraint#When it comes to criticising me and everything I am and everything I like. And she has the goal to do this thing where she is kind of peer#Pressures me into agreeing with the things that she says which in turn just makes me consolidate those horrible beliefs about myself in my#own head. If I don't agree with her criticism of me I can't just say so I have to not along with her and affirm to myself that those#Things are true. That I don't like my own hair that I don't like my face and my makeup and my clothes. That my preferences are wrong and#That I dress too androgynously. That I could never experiment with things like pronouns or gender and that I have to agree with societally#Homophobic undertoned things that she says because I can't bare to have her criticise me again and again and again for critisising her.#I can't do this anymore it makes me dread every time she comes into my room to talk to me about some new thing she doesn't like about me. I#And constantly stressing about how much people dislike me and how annoying I am#And the fact that I'm literally hiding the things that I want to wear from her so i can put them on when i get away from her and yet she#she will still get upset if I criticise her for making me literally hate myself on a regular basis. she wont beleive me and she'll be#Confused if I have a belief that doesn't match hers and she'll get so excited when I even possibly hint at doing something to my appearance#that she likes and knows I don't. I worry wake for comic corner she wouldn't shut up about how much my hair looks really good in a style i#dont want to cut it. If I dress in a way that's openly queer she ll act like I'm going to get#and i quote “the wrong kind of attention” Because she thinks that me even possibly being misgendered because of my clothing is a#disgusting crime and that I should be the perfect Barbie doll pink pretty princess she always wanted her children to be. She wants me to be#Someone that I can't be comfortably and she's essentially forcing me to fit this mould of her preferred child. Which obviously makes me#Despise who I am and hate my own interests and style. And as horrible and hurtful as it is to say this#I can't wait to get away from her.#sigh#vent#harsh morning
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my whole life ive been thinking im an old soul bc everyone would tell me i was bc i was “serious” and quiet and shy as a kid and riddled with social anxiety so i was like ok. i must be then. and now im realizing im not lmao like honestly as stupid as it sounds i think that was putting pressure on me to know how to live my life and what to do all the time but now im like oh im new no wonder im afraid of absolutely everything and i cant function and everything disappoints me it’s bc i dont know whats going on. im new in town. and im incorporating that into my belief system now
#yeah im going insane clearly but anyways#in friends when joey is like what was my past life and phoebe was like oh sweetie youre brand new like lmao me#but did anyone else get called serious as a kid and did anyone else take it as an insult like i did like.#i hated absolutely nothing more than people being like oh youre so serious and quiet like i am but also i dont want to be here talking#to you so i have nothing to say. like sorry i wasnt saying every thought i had out loud like every other kid so that made me 'mature'#for my age like honestly that fucked my life up more than anything else was being called mature for my age. it put way too much pressure on#me and i didnt even get to be a kid because everyone expected me to be older than i always was and now that im#so old and approaching death it's just all regret man i have nothing but regret for how ive lived my life#and im so old and i have absolutely nothing figured out i just dont know what the fuck to do#i just didnt think things would be this fucked up or id still be this lost at this point in my life and its disgusting im disgusting#everything is just so fucked up and i hate it like absolutely nothing is right in my life right now i am truly at rock bottom#like i genuinely cannot imagine ever being at a lower point than im at right now and no that's not inspiring like 'oh it cant get any worse'#'if youre at your lowest point it can only get better :)' no thats not how it works#it can get worse i just cant possibly imagine how and nothing is ever going to get better bc i dont know how to get myself out of this#literally im spongebob in rockbottom but the bus is literally never coming like the bus station shut down that's where im at
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Break starts and I IMMEDIATELY fall into art block
#shut up me#I know exactly why this is happening#im putting too much pressure on myself to make my art look good now that i actually have the time#cause I want to make so many elaborate pieces that are just out of my skill range#and i want to apply to zines and actually get in you know#but i really dont know how to shade or render my art and it frustrates me#and i dont like how i draw head shapes or poses or- blah blah blah#classic hyper aware of all the flaws in my art art block#im just gonna. im gonna try and draw low pressure silly stuff tomorrow#but for now im going to bed#art woes
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didn't even get to do my ironing :-(
#tw self harm#i was looking forward to it.. i usually find it calming n a nice way to end a weekend#but kept having thoughts abt intentionally burning myself or hitting myself with the iron so im leaving it for another day#its fine if my clothes are a bit crumpled at work anyway. i think i have some extra stuff i ironed i didnt wear last week too#im safe btw its fine ive been using ice + gentle pressure on my skin to take the edge off (i keep my nails too short to scratch dw)#if i did have to cut it wouldnt be ideal but its a neutral act i try not to judge it. but ik its less safe + i dont want it to become#a habit again bc i already let myself do it last weekend and im still a bit frustrated abt it bc id been managing so well#and it was the first time since january. and before then i hadnt since august which is a really big deal for me!#bc last year + year before i was really struggling with reliance on it. i had months where i was doing it daily or every other day#and its hardest to stop when its habitual. once on occasion is much more manageable so lets keep it that way#one day itll be the last time i ever do it and ill be clean the rest of my life but i dont think im near that yet#it feels kind of uncomfortable to type this out but i want to stop keeping my thoughts on s/h in my head bc i get weird abt it#and the last thing i need right now is to get weird abt harming urges again. and i dont think my friends are safe to talk to abt it#so talking on here is the closest thing i have to being open abt it. im tired of it being so stigmatised#ultimately its just a coping mechanism. even if it can be unsafe but like drinking or smoking or whatever to feel better is no safer so#but still i dont want to encourage it. anyway#at least ive calmed down a bit now. and i finished some admin i was putting off earlier#and now i need to sleep bc work tomorrow. just glad the weekend is over its so much easier to cope on work days#just the structure and distraction of it innit. we'll get through this week#and im back on the more stable dose again for meds this week as well so hopefully thatll help#and i think my periods due which has probably been tipping these mood swings over into intolerable#so hopefully thatll start tomorrow or tues and the hormonal shit will recede 🙏#all good. okay im gonna meditate a little and then sleep goodnight 😴#.diaries
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Sorry for failing to post more than once every 3 am anyways more stalien icons 👍
#keese draws#eternal gales#oc art#oc#ocs#now sprinkles is the only one left icon wise and ref wise Ive finished aris mase and the snake triplets#oh and then icons for the human kids all need to be made but thats a future me problem#Im probably gonna go for dodie or sier next for new ref#although idk when thatll be since Ive been once again burnt out as hell#but yeah I've been thinking abt the eg cast again I love them all sm#idk maybe I should make them lil summary pages so I can better introduce them all#I dont want to go too deep into actual plot stuff tho as while I dont have issues with spoiling things pre actually making the comic just#due to the fact that things are still prone to change I also would rather not basically live script out the story to summarize one scene#its the eternal problem with talking abt eternal gales its the kind of story where you really arent meant to know more than the characters#and as such while the worldbuilding is important to understanding the plot from an overarching perspective thats not rly how the story is#meant to be told as quite frankly I dont think that is or should be the appeal of this story#eternal gales is pretty much set to be an aquired taste of a story since the core of it is less abt watching characters in a plot and more#abt watching said characters having a plot happen at them while they try to navigate the situation and their relationships with eachother#basically it's hard to summarize cause while there is a plot thats not really how Id advertise it as a story#theres a reason Im not jumping straight into this project rn even tho I do wanna make it real some day and its how damn ambitious it is#Ill get there some day but itll likely still be several years at least until I go for it#mostly because Im gonna need to learn some programming skills or get someone who has them already to help#I also ideally wanna finish spiraling upwards first which will also likely be a several year project#tbf thats mostly because Im just being slow as hell to work on that one#but it's a warriors fan comic so Im trying not to put too much pressure on myself
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#making a separate post instead of putting tags under prev bc its unrelated and venting but. hmmmmm#majority of the time art does feel like a chore and a slog to me... and most of the time i dont find it rewarding....#I enjoy looking at art and I appreciate when I can understand how it was made still#but my own art is like... idk. I just dont find it fullfilling and worth my time#idk if it's a mindset issue or if I'm genuinely just disinterested in drawing and forcing myself too much#like I have been enjoying writing a lot more but I dont pressure myself to write. I just do it when inspiration strikes. I dont want to post#any writing I do either bc it's literally me messing around with ideas on my notes app#ngl I've been debating to erase all my art socials for this reason.... in general I'm a private person and i dont like to constantly share-#what I'm doing on social media so.#and i often catch myself thinking of drawing just bc i want to post something not bc i actually want to make art....
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ive gotten well damnginto this song
#if its meant to happen it'll#happy anyway#im just two days into college and im three lectures behind. theres this guy lets name him colin he says he wants to be mine. but it doesnt#really sit with me quite right cause he doesnt really like the things i likeand i keep accidentally locking myself outta my dorm in the#middle of the night. i wake up kinda wired and i wake up kinda cold and i wake up kinda tired but i'll just sleep in when im old. see i don#like breaking rules but dont like doing as im told so i just float around and hope my life unfolds. everybodys tellin me that im doing so#well i try to believe them honestly i kinda find it hard to tell. if i need work or i need rest to try my best to try my best to tell mysel#i say out loud “its fine i'll figure it all out”#i tend to forget. im only still quite young. in a way this life of mine has only just begun ive got time. ive got time. im two days into#college with a busy; busy mind. that guy that we named colin he's so handsome hes so kind. my friends tell me im crazy that i'll take it wa#too far. cause i told him that its over because he doesnt play guitar. im only two days into college and my bedroom is a mess#theres just so much that i want to do that i have not done yet. theres just so much want i say but far too little breath#on my mind it runs so far away its easy to forget. that to everybody else it looks like im doing so well. i try to see it honestly i find i#hard to tell. if ive done wrong or ive done right. i need a goodnight's sleep tonight. they say “go out” i said “alright”#i think i wont i maybe might i probably should just take it slow. i'll be good but god i know. the one thing that's important above#everything else: is to learn not to put all this heavy pressure on myself. i try to believe it when i say i'll be fine. ive got time. ive g#two days into college#yes i typed all that hehe#cheryap#Spotify
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Making this account into a base for a little potential project.
If it doesn't work out it'll be fun just to javelin a non serious place to play
#i dont wanna overwhelm myself or put too much pressure on this#so ill post whenever ot whatever i want
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love my mental state where i can go Yes things are really hard rn but thats okay i am at peace with it and im able to get through it and they can also be good and then 2 hours later i want to rip my skin off
#how am i even supposed to get through this one like its literally the same feeling as i had before but like#theres an element of acceptance to it but that actually makes it harder because now its like#im used to it getting absolutely terrible before i get better thats what i need to get kickstarted into action#but im so lenient with myself now that i just dont possess the level of self loathing i need to get to a point where i feel truly doomed#so im just stuck in this shit ass feeling !!!!#i think im being really stupid right now and i need to try and get better regardless and the fact that i need something to make me see how#irrational im being is unhealthy#and i need to try and manage it now#but also its like#am i putting too much pressure on myself....hmmm.....should i just sit with this for a little longer#and i dont want to but im worried thats the best thing for me to do#somebody sedate me
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how i easily shift and embody states:
i ask myself: how would i think, act, and see the world if i was that person who has it now? and then i feel myself easily become and embody that version of me. i let myself surrender to the state.
example: if i would want to get a A+ on a test, i would notice how im stressing about “what if i get a B?” i stop myself and just think: would the version of me who knows they have A+ think like this? would they be stressing like this? then i think of what the desired version of me would think, act, and see the world. i would think its normal to get an A+, i would act chill because i know i got an A+, i would see the world as someone who always effortlessly passes a test
tip: embody a version of you that feels it natural/normal to have what you want like i embodied the version of me who knows they always get A+ because it is normal for them.
shifting states is too easy and its instant. dont put too much pressure on it. if its “too hard” for you, realize that is only a state. youre in the state of thinking its too hard. try meditation and calm down. then allow yourself to feel as the person who has it. be it within. thats how you shift states.
also: how would the world react to that version of you? with this example, the world would see me as someone who always gets A+ so they would react to me as if i was smart and highly intelligent. allow yourself to use those questions to feel and know you are already what you want.
how to do you see yourself? what do you know about yourself? know that you are intelligent, rich, beautiful and you’ve shifted into that state.
kisses, jani ☆
#etherealkissed🎀#etherealkissed#loa blog#manifesting#law of assumption#loassumption#edward art#neville goddard#reality shift#loastates#affirm and persist#master manifestor#inner man#manifestation
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Solar Return Observations💋❤️🌹
💋This year I have a Virgo Ascendant in my solar return along with 2 Venus returns and Ive been so much more health/beauty focused. Like I care more about myself and am trying to break bad habits that I made in 2023. Im also alot more driven in sports/goals and back when I had this in 2020 I was also into skincare and makeup alot too and was into running and working out. I feel like the year you get a virgo ascendant for your solar return is the year to cleanse bad habits that youve made in the previous year its like a chance to start new.
💋The year you have Uranus in the 11th house is most likely a year where you will lose friends but will also get the chance to make new ones. I had Uranus and North Node in my 11th house last year and my 3 year long friend who claimed we were “besties” backstabbed me and cut me off with no explanation BUT I also found a friendgroup who are here to stay and am incredibely blessed to have met them. This was a year where my view on society and people changed significantly but i feel it was for the better.
💋Last year I had Sun and Pluto in the 8th house along with Moon and Mars in the 12th. I struggled really bad with my mental health(also a Gemini Rising) and my whole personality shifted from these experiences. From January my grandma almost died of cancer, I faced unrequited love, bullying from “friends”, losing friends, and overall felt pressure from school. I was just sensitive to what people said about me and let little things bother me and now that Im looking back none of it was a big deal but I dont know in the moment it affected me way too much. It made me realize that you cant ever really put your faith in people and that you need to trust and respect yourself the most. That you cant be attached to people and your faith should be put in god (atleast thats what I think). Most of the pain came from lowself esteem and I do believe that these placements made me grow a thicker skin and to become more independant. Im a completely different person now and while I did lose my innocence to the world I feel that I can survive on my own now. I guess I just grew a backbone which im really thankful for.
💋Everything that happened last year (like growth transformation death) is all related to the 8th house which is where gemini is in my natal so also keep that in mind where your solar ascendant falls in your natal.
💋This year I have a Moon in Libra in the 1st house and a Virgo Lilith exactly conjunct my ascendant and Ive been getting so much praise from woman its weird? Weirdly guys have been liking my instagram stories and when I posted on my birthday so many people came and viewed my story who dont even follow me. I also feel more pretty and empowered this year and Ive been trying to figure out how I want to present myself more. Compared to last year I feel like I am more upfront with my feelings. I feel like this year I might not struggle as much since im a Libra Ascendant and my solar return is Virgo and almost aligns with my natal chart.
💋My sadness and pain from my 2023 solar return actually really did last until my birthday aka my 2024 return😭 So keep in note that solar returns will remain effective until your next birthday.
💋I have Pluto, Mars, Sun, Vertex, Mercury, and POF, all in the 5th house this year and Im really hoping I can finally meet someone to date for the first time but so far its manifested as being more interested in hobbies/ having fun. Im not complaining tho I actually have been so much happier and I havent cried that much at all from this new Solar Return. I will say I feel like having Pluto in the 5th house will make your view change a bit on relationships. I lost feelings for my 3 year crush and I also feel like its impossible for me to properly catch feelings now. I dont know its like I broke the cycle of infatuting crushes and am way more realistic when it comes to love. Part of it is probably just me getting older but I think thats a good thing. I dont expect love like the movies anymore but i just want something REAL.
💋The year you have 8th house Venus a old flame might come back into your life.
💋Tell me why I have Jupiter, North Node, and Chiron in the 8th house this year and ive been attracting money/all the things i want so easily? I got almost $450 for my birthday, a vanity, a lulu bag, and a big party and its only been like 2 weeks😭
💋 When I turn 18 in 2026 I have a stellium of Venus, Mercury, Sun, Mars, and Pluto in the 12th SOOO im predicting that I might be struggling with mental health that year, probably lost in where I want to head after high school, or Im either hiding sum secret love affair(8th house ruler of libra in 12) or like something about it is forbidden/ secretive. I also do have Moon and Jupiter in Cancer in the 5th house that year so that should be interesting lol. Let me know what aspects/ placements in your future solar returns yall find interesting and have down in the comments I wanna see.
💋A Saggitarius Ascendant/ 9th placements might mean that you get opportunity to travel
💋Having Lilith in the 2nd house might mean that you struggle with eating consistently or might struggle with self worth and body image.
💋Venus in the 4th house will be a year where you try to improve your home and find comfort in familial relationships
💋Look at transits to your solar return too theyll give you a deeper dive in whats going on you can look on astroseek.
💋12th house placements will make you inclined to find god
💋On November 16 2021 I caught feelings bad for this guy and I would go on to like him for a long time. Near that time I had a Venus Return and also a transit Solar Return with a 7th house stellium(Sun,Mars,Mercury,Moon in Libra/Scorpio). I was around this guy 24/7 and it just unexpectedly happened. Near that time Iwas having so much fun with my friends in cross country I feel so fond about those days that I could never forget.
💋 Last year having a Gemini Rising but placements like Mars and Moon in the 12th made me get talked about unknowingly behind my back so keep that in mind. Girls secretly hated me and also one of my “friends” twisted my words and spread drama about me.
💋Pay special attention to Chiron and where it is in your chart ESPECIALLY if its in retrograde
Anyways I hope yall enjoyed this was very last minute and I know people have been complaining about there not being enough Solar Return observations so here I am lol. See yall next time💋
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