#i dont want to ask for advice from strangers on the internet but also ive been losing feelings for ages and I dont want to lead them on

[lemonofthevalley]

.

[napping-sapphic]

Hello! I have a Situation and its totally cool if you're not able to give advice but im looking for advice anyway bc im autistic and have no idea how to navigate romantic situations.

So ive had a friend since i was 12 her pronouns are she/they so i will be using both. Im now 20 and they're 21. I've known I like girls since i was 13. And shes pan.

So, in the past, ive had like fleeting thoughts of dating/kissing them but i usually just shake my head and think "nah i cant possibly want to date her bc they're my best friend, i just have very strong platonic feelings." Like Very Strong. Ive literally said that i will always compare my feelings for a future romantic partner with my feelings for her bc they're so strong.

So im honestly not sure if i would know if i was in love with someone unless it hit me in the face, and i am currently feeling like it has hit me in the face. I woke up at like 4 am last night from a dream just thinking "omygosh im in love with her" and ive been journaling and thinking all day ahout my feelings and im starting to think ive just been in strong denial/oblivious about my feelings. Both bc im autistic and have difficulty identifying emotions and bc im demiromantic and rarely experience romantic attraction so i dont have much experience with it.

I guess the point of this ask is about any advice you can give regarding knowing if i actually have romantic feelings and if i do,, like what do i do about it??? Should i tell them? We have a really strong friendship and i dont wanna make her uncomfortable. I think ill be okay not acting on my feelings but its been literally less than 24 hrs since realizing my feelings might be romantic and i dont know if it will be difficult to hide or what to do about it. They're also like my only close friend so i cant just ask her what to do like i would normally, which is why im asking you.

Again, i understand if you cant answer this bc its a pretty personal situation but i would appreciate any advice.

Thank you! :)

Ahh once again prefacing with the fact that I am really Not Qualified to give advice on most things😅 but I can give you my take as an outsider on the situation and with my (very limited experience) in case that might help you at all, but again really take all of this with a LARGE grain of salt i am a VERY unqualified stranger on the internet so most of what i say is probably nonsense😅

I feel like this is like my go to advice but I’d say just wait it out tbh, as someone who was in capital L love with their childhood best friend for a while it really just came down to time for me. It took a while for me to be sure whether the feelings were romantic or platonic for SURE. Especially since the platonic love stayed for me even when the romantic love began🤷‍♀️ it made it extra tricky to tell lol.

My ‘oh this is NOT just platonic’ realization came from YEARS of excessive thinking about them, WAY too much jealousy when they dated other people, a LOT of thoughts and urges about holding their hand, a lot of comparing them to people i had passing crushes on, and (i kid you not) an embarrassing amount of love poems teenage me wrote about them lol😅

However! The slow process and thinking it through also lead me to the conclusion that i did NOT want to date them. Being a couple just wouldn’t work for us and I value them so so so SO much as my best friend and really need them in my life as that separate, constant, platonic relationship that I deeply love and care for. It works better for us than any sort of dating could🤷‍♀️ not to mention all of our other clashing traits that just wouldn’t work if our relationship was romantic. And now I’m honestly really not romantically interested in them anymore, they’re just my best friend and always will be :)

I dont think it’s too unusual to fall a bit (or a lot) romantically in love with a best or close friend, I think the more important thing to recognize is whether it’s something worth acting on, that you’re willing to act on, and that will be good for both of you to act on

So I’d say ruminate on it! There’s no pressure to figure it out, if you start getting too preoccupied with it you can try talking it through with them, not even as a confession type thing, you can simply have a conversation letting them know you’re a little confused or wanting their opinion if you think they’ll be receptive to it. Best I can tell you is that there’s no clock on figuring it out, there’s no “right” way to define what type of love you feel, and to remember that either way you’ve got a great person in your life. I’m very sorry I can’t be more help and if anyone has any other advice feel free to leave it in the notes for this person! Good luck to you and I hope you find what you’re looking for soon <3!!

[my-castles-crumbling]

hello cas

i dont remember if my ask was before or after you said about the hidden inbox thing so i figured i may as well resend and if youve already seen it and not got around to it yet, feel free to ignore this :)

im an active ao3 author and have a tumblr blog (obviously lol) that i use both to share stuff about the marauders and sort of like a weird lil place to just talk about stuff in my life (yknow like cooking accomplishments, i went ice skating recently and talked a bit about it, just random stuff) and although i do talk and write about a lot of my personal stuff too (i.e. projecting mental health stuff onto characters and posting mh resources and advice etc) theres one thing ive never talked about either on my blog or in my writing and i sort of feel like i should be?

im losing my vision and am expected to be blind completely within like, 20 years maybe? doctors have been unclear lol (im currently 20 y/o and am at about 70% vision) and ive honestly made peace with it so its not like im touchy about it or sensitive. its the hand ive been dealt, yknow? ive been learning braille and am almost at the point where i just need to get more comfortable and confident with it to get faster and stuff and im not the only one in my family to have this either

but i *never* talk about it online. i feel like i should be talking about it though, shouldnt i? i mean, i read people putting their disabilities onto characters all the time to create representation, but i rarely read about blind/vision impaired characters, so should i (as a visually impaired person) be creating that representation?

as i said it wouldnt be the first time ive projected, either for the sake of storytelling or to process stuff in my life, so i dont know why i havent done it before, i just havent. i think im maybe nervous that since ive spent so long *not* talking about, it might be weird to suddenly bring it up now? i dont know. it also kinda feels like if i talk about it then itll be like 'ugh, of course theres another thing wrong with you, just keep piling stuff on' and its like, would i even be believed? its the internet after all, and i know i dont need validation from strangers about something in my life but i dont want to be told im faking it by people who dont even know me, just because i already talk about issues in my life

but it just feels like something i should be talking about. i dont know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Hi! Yes, I answered this one here!

[myaoiboy]

heyy sorry dunno if ur ok with ppl asking for advice, but ive been on the twitter mgs fandom for a little while (mostly as a watcher rather than participating other than liking, rting and occasionally commenting or posting some art) and after a while i realized (a bit too late) that quite a few people that i interacted with are aggressively anti and i dont know how to pull away from them now.

Some were mutuals, i stopped following most of them but they still follow me and im not sure if i should just ignore it or whatever. My main account is very clean when it comes to pro/anti discussion and NSFW in general, altho i do like/rt/discuss a lot of anime art and media that has some questionable content in it (like the monogatari series for example)

Anyway, im just a bit scared they might see these "cracks" and it gets to a point of agression/exclusion/doxxing etc and im a bit terrified of that. Sorry if this sounds dumb, but could i ask you what you experience with the mgs fandom is like on twitter? Have you ever been in a similar situation?

It's totally cool to ask for advice! I'm not sure how much help I'll be though.

I have a twitter that's mostly MGS-focused, but I've been building up defenses against the anti movement for a long time before that. I used to be mutuals with someone who was a really notorious asshole twitter anti, actually. I broke that when they started publicly slandering me, but before they could actually dox me, and they still followed me on side accounts for a couple years after that. I got very careful about vetting who I regularly interact with after that.

I got lucky dropping into MGS fandom, I've found a bunch of people who enjoy freaky stuff as much as I do. But I also had one of those friends get doxxed a while back over ship discourse that was spun as something much worse.

Personally, if I see a callout post and it looks fishy (only includes accusations of fic or art, etc), I will a lot of times block everyone that's retweeted or liked it. It's made me sad a couple of times to break mutuals, but I know I'm saving myself the pain later of potentially seeing them fall for it with me. This, when my friend got doxxed, ended up causing me to block like half of the twitter MGS fandom ngl.

Honestly, my secret to not accidentally making full on anti friends is that when I get into a new fandom, I look up their discourse and who antis say shouldn't be shipped together. Then I look and see who makes art/fic of those ships. If I don't like those ships specifically, I find people who ship both that and whatever I like. Usually I end up liking one or more of them anyways (solimiller...). Or I'll go through that fandom's fics with warnings on them and check out those authors' other works.

That's how I keep accidentally meeting a lot of people in fandom, it turns out. I read a fic, I look at the author's other works or their profile, it has a social media handle, or a discord link, or whatever else, next thing I know I'm talking to them and 5 more people they recommended about whatever freaky kink I found of theirs.

I do actually have a (mostly nsfw) discord link that I would share here, but given some of the weird interactions I've gotten tonight I'm gonna wait a couple days before I post it publicly. It's fandom neutral technically but a lot of us like our war boys (mgs/cod mostly). But uhhh if anybody sees this and wants in feel free to dm me/send an off-anon ask and I'll slip ya a link real quiet.

I warn people some of the heavier content that I regularly post as well, even though I don't explicitly use any discourse labels, but honestly the biggest thing is just pulling your interactions like weeds. People on the internet are, mostly, strangers. You don't like someone's vibes? You can block 'em. You see them being a dick to someone else and don't wanna risk them doing the same to you ? Definitely block. Someone makes posts you don't like and it keeps filling up the tags you frequent? You can block that!

[classpectingshitposts]

So this is something you may find amusing

I have some undiagnosed relative of DID, and because I'm a massive homestuck and also a rogue of blood I decided that everyone needed to be classpected blah blah blah bg info

Anyways point is there's a Thief of Breath in here and I don't know what about mod li pisses them off so much but I stg they have spent the last 3 hours informing me how annoying you are and how you exemplify all the worst and most arrogant thief traits and

I have to say

I think maybe thieves have a tendency to see another thief and be like is this a cool and respectable ally? And then the prospective ally says something that gets on their nerves and they go oh shit oh god is this going to force me to self reflect and go feral instead

Anyways ur great just keep being u, but know that somewhere out there, someone irrationally dislikes you and knows it's reflecting on them poorly and hates it :)

amusing? AMUSING? anon i genuinely dont know how to tell you this but im going to be riding the high of this ask for weeks. 

let me tell you a little story. i sat down with my family tonight to watch revenge of the sith, renowned christmas family film, and decided to check the askbox on my phone in the middle of it. started madly giggling about halfway through anakin skywalkers pledge to the dark side, and didnt stop grinning for the rest of the movie, which is notably the more tragic half. 

THREE HOURS? ABOUT ME? THATS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING IVE EVER HEARD THIS IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE BEST COMPLIMENT IVE EVER RECEIVED! from a COMPLETE STRANGER on the internet? holy FUCK! i gotta be doing something right. i also DESPERATELY want to know more. 

all of that being said, the fact that i am Like This is like. mostly for show. i mean if youre going to be a thief you might as well act like it. play it up, even. now im not going to deny that i am an arrogant and cocky motherfucker, but i simply get a kick out of pretending like i am The coolest person on the planet, especially when people fall for it. its hilarious to me.  

oh, thieves. i have a lot to say about them. youre absolutely right about that by the way. we generally respect each other, but from a distance. thieves are like betta fish, see, because when you stick even two of them in the same room theres a 50/50 chance one or neither of them are walking out of there alive. we all think very highly of ourselves and like telling people what to do, and are generally challenges to the natural authority, so... yeah. you can probably see where thats going. thieves are very smart, very stupid, opportunistic, lone wolf assholes. when theyre healthy, theyre able to balance their vast reserves of pride and their capacity for caring about other people. when theyre not? my advice is to just get out.

anon, i want to speak to your friend so badly. the ego boost this gives me is going to last me through like january i swear to god. its funny running a blog with nearly five thousand followers because i have NO fucking clue what people actually think of me and now that i have this i am desperate for more. anyway. 

-mod li

[autogynocrat]

Man do you get annoyed but these advice/opinion questions? I message you them all the time, sometimes you post about them and you seem a bit annoyed. I feel like you’re a level headed guy, and I prefer asking online strangers to people I know irl (I don’t want them getting in my business).

But anyway anyway anyway, if you find it annoying and don’t wanna get them, I’ll stop

it really depends, sometimes i will try my best to give honest advice if i think i can contribute something useful to them in some way. but when i feel unqualified i feel uncomfortable. i dont have confidence that my answers come from a position where im justified to talk on most topics

i dont feel comfortable giving advice on financial topics or major life decisions. i dont feel qualified for that and i dont want to ruin someones life if they take my advice and it was a bad call

i dont like to give medical advice beyond something like "maybe you should see a doctor for that" or "that sounds like x but you should see a doctor" same reason as above i dont want my advice to lead to someone else making a bad decision

relationship advice? well i dont have a good track record at maintaining relationships. ill try to help but i dont think i have good advice to contribute most of the time. i dont know about the other person enough to tell you if them being nice is flirty nice or friendly nice for example so i dont want to answer if someone is asking me how to interpret their actions.

beyond that? well you can ask me for advice just i want you to remember im just some random person on the internet and i think you should treat anything i say with a grain of salt the same way you would anyone else i dont think i am in an epistemically elevated position. also keep in mind i can really only give my opinion based on what facts ive been told and so my opinion will be really flawed in terms of me not having a complete picture of the situation. if you are ok with that then thats fine. but then also please dont panic if i havent responded to your request for advice im only human ok

[there-will-be-a-way]

1/?? ok so first off im really sorry for sending this ask but you seem as good a person to ask as any. dont feel any pressure to answer or even read through this all tho if you dont want to. this will be a really long series of asks so definitely feel free to ignore them if they overwhelm you, because i cant really keep my thoughts straight atm, but ill number them all and sign off with a '- H.'

2/?? So for starters, I’m not asking for a diagnosis, obviously you’re not a therapist, I’m just asking for any advice/opinions you might have and want to offer up. So I’m 19, I dropped out of school when I was seventeen, almost never attended before that, tried to get a job a few months ago but was fired after a few days of work because I stopped showing up (I was in a numb, dissociative state for the full work days, and I had to get drunk just to be able to have the courage to go in) - H

3/?? I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, autism and c-ptsd all when I was 16 because it was obvious that I was having a lot of trouble functioning in society and socialising with anyone. I have always dissociated a LOT, having out-of-body experiences, talking to people without feeling like I was really personally choosing my words and they were instead just coming out of my mouth from nowhere, feeling numb and having a lot of problems with memory. - H

4/?? I thought for a little while at the beginning of this year that I might have DID because of all the dissociation and occasionally having short spurts of lost time, but I quickly dismissed it because I didn’t think I had any other personalities in my body (I don’t know if that’s the right way to talk about them, forgive me if I say something confusing or wrong, I didn’t know much about DID until very recently). - H

5/?? Anyway, in recently I found your blog and looked through a few of your posts (not many, just the last couple of pages here), and I thought, what if I do have personalities? I often feel like im not fully in control of myself and I have heard voices before, although it doesn’t happen much and I never connected either of these to a definitive personality. - H

6/?? So I decided to try to separate myself into different people (I don’t think that’s the right term but bear with me) and I came up with a list of nine initially. And the more I tried to categorise my behaviour/opinions/hobbies into each of them the more afraid I got, because I think i might actually have DID after all? It was very easy to do, and its very easy for me to see everyone as seperate entities - H

7/?? Except im nineteen so surely SOMEONE would have noticed I had it before now? Even if I didn’t, someone else should have? Although most people who know me would probably write off my behaviour as a combination of the effects of aspergers and ptsd, so they wouldn’t even consider something else. - H

8/?? Also, I read about switching, and different personalities having very distinct voices and presences and I don’t know if its just that I haven’t examined these facets of myself before, but I don’t think I have that? Maybe i just need to think on it more than i have, but im worried im just lying to myself because im so desperate for answers as to why i am the way i am. - H

9/?? So ultimately what im saying is, I don’t know if im lying to myself or if it might be a real possibility I have DID. Just from what ive written here, do you think theres any way I could have it, or is it obvious I probably dont? I think it would be useful to know if it would help me get more in touch with myself, because a lot of the time I don’t even feel like a real person. - H

Hey there 👋🏻

First of all, you are brave for reaching out and wanting to figure out what's going on with you so go you! However, it would be irresponsible of me to judge your situation based on the little information I have about you - and this goes for any stranger on the internet. This is definitely something you should bring up with a therapist, if you can, especially since your symptoms seem to cause you a lot of distress and disrupt your everyday life. Whatever your symptoms stem from, you deserve professional help.

So yeah, my advice would be to bring this up with a therapist and be open to all possible explanations. In the end what matters isn't so much the diagnosis but getting help for your symptoms. In the meantime I'd advice you to look into grounding techniques and practice them since you obviously struggle with dissociation. It can also be helpful to keep a journal and write about your experiences.

Lastly, there is a common misconception in your ask that I'd like to clear up: Dissociative Identity Disorder most often is a covert disorder. The disorder's purpose isn't to make the most elaborated and noticeable 'personalities' but to survive severe childhood trauma. That means different things for different people - and therefore the disorder is different for everyone - but most often dissociated parts of self (= the 'personalities') are so covert that it's common even for therapists to not notice the person has DID. Many people with DID have parts that act very similar and are hard, even impossible for others to tell apart or notice.

Anyway, I hope you understand that I didn't not answer your question because I'm being mean but because I don't want to cause you harm by misjudging your situation (I'm just a stranger on the internet).

I really hope that you can get the help you deserve since what you describe does sound distressing and is worth looking into. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and sending my support.

Take care!

[beccascribbles]

Oh hun, I'm not going to say things are going to be okay super soon because I could be lying... (I apologize... I think this is going to be long)

We never really get fully used to Uni because it will always throw curved balls at us and its incredibly annoying. For me it took a whole year before I made an actual friend and I always felt very alone and jealous of my best friend who attended Uni with me but we didnt usually got classes together even if it was the same major so I was 95% of the time at Uni alone. She'd always talk about the people she'd met in class and study groups and I was there like :) 'How does she do it??'.

Adapting is a pain and trying to fall into the dynamic is tricky indeed. I dont know if your classes are all Online or if you have actual classes (online just makes it harder to just find somebody to talk to); but some tricks Ive found kind of work for me to find some rando to talk to in class and potentially make a friend is to grab someones number at random from the group chat if you have any and ask things about the class. Even if at first you only talk about the class soon enough conversations starts drifting to other classes and interests (I've made some friends like this even if we arent majoring in the same stuff; its cool).

Crying over assignments... ah I felt this. Uni has made me cry so much too 😖, don't feel afraid to ask for help hun; and if you need to vent here please do so or if you want I'm always open to talk. As frustrating as crying over assignments is; if you need to cry don't hold it in... sometimes it might feel like its the end of the world but it isn't and I know how important it is to have people to talk about it so we can feel better.

You made it this far; you are capable... and even if things look shitty right now I believe you can do this. Its an up hill climb but don't get discouraged hun, sometimes it takes just a little bit more time to feel like you have the necessary tools to make it.

Sending lots of love and encouragement for you; I know Im just a stranger in the internet but if you ever want to talk I'm here for you 💜 I wish you the best 😌

thank you for taking the time to send this in! it's really helped me to put the whole thing in perspective.

one of my friends started uni like a week after me but they're already doing better (their flatmates actually want to hang out with them for one 😂). i guess it's just kind of hard to see them doing so well already when they haven't officially started their course yet.

that advice for making friends is really helpful! i'm in a group chat with my seminar group which we use to mainly talk about law. i have spoken to one person from this chat but we haven't talked since (although hopefully we're walking to our seminar together this week because we live close to each other). it is really difficult with online classes though (i have one in-person class a week). won't lie, i find it really awkward talking to people through zoom, especially when you get put in a breakout room and finish your discussion quickly.

i think the crying was mainly triggered by how overwhelming it all is. all i had to do was some reading but there's so much for all of my modules that i feel like i'm slowly drowning. also the content is kind of difficult but i'm hoping i'll eventually get the grasp of it!

again, thank you for taking the time to send this in! you didn't have to (and i hope me using this blog as place to vent doesn't make anyone feel like they have to comment or try and cheer me up) but i really appreciate it. it's made me feel a little bit better to read all of that and i will definitely be taking some of your advice to heart 😊

[qqueenofhades]

Hi! I dont know If u remember me. But Im the 15(now 16) year old that asked u about being queer a while back. Im now celebrating my 2 month anniversary with my first gf! Her name is Haley. And shes beautiful and wonderful and amazing and so funny and such a badass. And Im just so happy. And my mom is being pretty cool about it even though I dont think she really gets it. But I just wanted to say thank you again. I dont think Id have been to this point yet w/o the talk I got from you. So thank u!

Sorry. Queer anon again. I was trying 2 fit everything n2 an ask. Theres not enough characters so I had 2 shorten a lot. But it really helped me having some1 understand and talk 2 me that I didnt feel judged for It just opened so much up for me. Which I know is ridiculous But Ive followed you for a little while and it was just nice to feel like someone who maybe understood also cared. Mom is trying. But she still thinks it’s maybe just a phase At least shes not angry. But Haley. Shes incredible.

My dear, I will have you know that a) of course I remember you and you never have to apologize for sending me as many messages as you like, and b) this was the first thing I saw when I checked tumblr this morning, and it almost made me cry. I am SO proud of you (you’re doing better than me in the girlfriend department, HIGH FIVE!) and I am really, truly humbled to hear that you felt comfortable reaching out to me, that my advice made a difference to you, and that now you’re happy and excited to be embracing yourself. I’m so glad that your mom is being mostly supportive, even if she still has things to learn, since as a young person, the most important thing is for you to be safe and to have a decent home environment. I’m sure you’ll both continue to work it out.

I am thrilled to hear that you have a fantastic girlfriend and are figuring things out (and I mean, Anon’s Mom, even if it WAS a phase, WHO FREAKIN’ CARES?) and that you’re happy. My spinster gay internet aunt heart is very full for you right now, and as I said in your earlier messages to me and again now, I am always here for anything I can answer for you. It’s not ridiculous at ALL for you to feel that way, because it’s a huge and scary thing to say to anyone, let alone a stranger on the internet, and you were very brave. And I really do care about you and now I have to know how things are going, so please do drop back in for whatever you want to talk about. I gotcha, hun.

[j-exclamationmark-l]

Hi, i found your post about the phrase-triggered PTSD through the Kiryu autism tag (i recently found out i have autism and thats thanks to finishing the yakuza series and realising people HC kiryu as autistic which is how i went onto be diagnosed, although i dont see it as a diagnosis i see autism in terms of neurodivergency but this is a tangent) I don't presume to fully understand your struggles, but I just want to say you're not alone and you don't deserve this. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet, but familial trauma is something I struggle with as well, where i've had my fair share of being emotionally abused for being weird and different (i also have adhd, that was diagnosed last year, i take medication and stuff its neat). You deserve much better, and what she is doing to you is akin to abuse, she is purposely putting you in harm's way and you should absolutely report her, like the others in the comments of your post have probably said.

I do not want to step out of line but this next bit comes from a place of personal experience and from what i understood from your message: she is intentionally inflicting pain on you because she is engaging in power play. she is deeply insecure and muddled and confused by her own emotional problems (also probably because of autism given that her son has asd/aspergers and that's highly genetic) and she's formed some highly maladaptive behaviours because of this. however, this neither justifies her actions, nor am i asking you to forgive her. instead, you should not avoid her.

i know this sounds counter intuitive, and again this is just from my experience, and i dont claim to think it'll work for everyone. but avoidance would be playing into her power play, and from what i can understand you dont want to engage in it, you just want to exist and be at peace. in fact, you shouldnt avoid anyone who tries to hurt you, they do not have your best interests at heart. power play is never beneficial and i have never seen it be used to help people or to propagate kindness. (ive heard BDSM is a healthy outlet for power play but that requires a lot of trust and people outside that context generally dont give you a safeword).

I cant offer a simple alternative to avoidance, but i can say that if either she doesnt matter to you or power play doesnt matter to you, then it'll be a lot easier to discount her words. you'll find that when she uses triggering phrases, it has less of an impact coming from her, just because you have the knowledge that she is not someone who wants the best for you, nor is she someone who loves you.

and i know this is even harder, but never stop being compassionate and understanding, from what i can tell you're an incredibly empathetic and understanding person. do not change that about yourself, and im confident that as long as you are sure of who you are, you'll get through anything. i think i'll end my unsolicited ramble there, and i hope to have been some kind of help. if you ever need to, please feel free to dm me. if you feel like this advice doesnt apply to you, you can discount it. either way im rooting for you and im confident you can get through this.

Hello and thank you so much for your words of support. It really means a lot!

As for the terrible coworker, she actually got fired not long after I made those posts because, surprise, she wasn't just awful to me, she was awful to everyone. I have the satisfaction of knowing I outlived her at the company ^^

And thank you once more ^^

[eatyourfacecat]

I dont know who to ask this and i value your opinion. Im a gay leaning bisexual with extensive trauma from men, i have virtually no interest in men or relationships with men, but ive had feelings for men in the past. I still question whether they were real or heteronormativity/seeking validation, is it inappropriate to call myself a lesbian? i cant see myself being able to love or trust a man the way i do women.

Disclaimer: I don’t think I’m the best person to go to for advice on pretty much anything and also Im kind of drunk. Anyway, i know this sounds corny but no one can figure out your sexual orientation for you, especially not a stranger on the internet (I hope this doesn’t come off as me being hostile, I’ve been there and i get it, I just don’t want you to value my opinion too highly lol). But there are plenty of lesbians who had relationships with/loved/even married men before they realized they were gay so no, I don’t think any history you’ve had with men like, disqualifies you from being a lesbian. And I don’t think there’s usually any use in dissecting the feelings you had in the past to try and see if they were “real” or not, they existed and you can conceptualize them however you want but the most important thing is how you feel now. And honestly you don’t owe anyone an explanation of your sexual orientation regardless of whether you come to the conclusion that you’re a lesbian or a bi woman who isn’t interested in being with men, or even someone who just isn’t interested in labels. That’s something personal and it’s no ones business except for yours and anyone you want to share it with. I hoped this helped at all, best wishes to you 💖

[b-o-s-t-o-n]

>>about me<<

hi my little fairy princes and princesses. i asked if i should make a small post to introduce myself and several people said yes so here it is:

first of all, my name is amelia. im from the east coast and im a 20 year old girl. i love makeup, hair, clothes, skin care products, bath bombs, and everything like that. if you ever want any advice or tips on that stuff please ask. i love helping people out with beauty stuff!!! i also love video games and sports, specifically hockey and soccer. but most importantly, i love criminal minds.

CM is my all-time fav show but i also like a lot of other ones. i do this weird thing where i watch all of my reality shows on time and live, but i wait for my non-reality shows to come out with a full season before i binge watch them.

the reason i started watching criminal minds was actually because i used to watch a random canadian show called “higher ground” that aj cook was in when she was younger. one day i was caught up on all my shows and i needed something new to watch  and i was like hey i really liked that girl why dont i see what else she’s in? so i googled her and CM popped up. and well, the rest is history.

here’s a list of some shows i watch: big brother, survivor, catfish, the real world, the challenge, are you the one, the bachelor/bachelor in paradise, bad girls club, prison break, dexter, greys anatomy, jane the virgin, quantico, shameless, game of thrones, stranger things, orange is the new black, new girl, skins, project runway, unbreakable kimmy schmidt, the walking dead, gossip girl, star crossed, 90210, hart of dixie, the 100, skam, american horror story, sense 8, chicago pd, chicago med, chicago fire, and a shit load of others that i cant think of right now.

besides tv, i really like music. ariana grande and dua lipa are my queens. i like a lot of different genres and artists and im always opened to suggestions if you ever have any. i played clarinet in high school and i play piano in my free time. i tried guitar but my hands are short and stubby so it didnt go so well.

i also swear a lot. i dont know why but i just do. even in my fics, i tend to swear way too much. it’s a bad habit that im trying to break. speaking of fics, this isnt my first fanfiction blog, but it’s the only one ive ever had that has popped off. im not a super great writer but i just like to do it and like creating little stories. 

so like i said, im 20, so im in college. i live alone in a little apartment and have a dog named ani (anakin). he’s my whole world. school sucks but i manage. im majoring in criminal justice so you can probably tell why i love CM so much.

i also love it a lot because spencer is my favorite fictional character ever. i literally love him so much i cant even put it into words. i always tell people my personality is more like matthew, but my ideal man is spencer. ((and my ideal pet is simon lmao)).

i dont really know what else to say because im pretty average and boring. im really sarcastic so if i ever offend you just know it probably wasnt on purpose. i have a weird sense of humor and i type really internet-ish. i love memes and i have a reaction pic for pretty much every situation. i always keyboard smash and i hate capital letters. the only time youll see proper grammar and punctuation from me is in my fics cause i know how hard it is to read a story if the format isnt organized.

my ao3 is the exact same username. sometimes mobile messes up my masterlist and its just easier to read my fics on there.

so to wrap things up here’s a picture of me. i might edit this later and remove the pic cause i dont like to have my face on the internet. i love you all more than spencer loves chocolate frosted donuts with sprinkles!

[hollowedskin]

hollow, my OT wants me to go into private hospital inpatient for PTSD. i've previously suffered psychiatric abuse in the public system and hospitals really scare me. i think i remember you go through private, so can you tell me any encouraging things about private hospital? or warnings i guess if there aren't encouraging things to say. can you take your phone with you and still have the internet? being isolated was terrible. sorry if this is an invasive question i'm just scared.

hey no, its fine psych hospital review website here if you wanted to check out patient feedback for where you’re looking to go. just keep in mind that it’s new so i dont think it has a very comprehensive list yet.

ive (thankfully) never been in a public mental health hospital but a lot of the ppl in my ward have been and from what they say there is an enormous difference between the two, at least in Australia.

it also makes a difference if you’re involuntary or not. if you go into a private hospital voluntarily, you’re not being kept there against ur will and you have access to a lot more freedoms like day leave. They have to put procedures in place to take those away and make you involuntary and thats in the event of a crisis. But if you’re a voluntary patient you can choose the duration of your stay (they will have reccomendations but thats different) and they cant keep you if you dont want to be there any more.

I can only tell you about my experiences with the hospital I go to, since im fortunate enough to not have to had moved around a lot. My psychiatrist at the time referred me to a really good one first off. 

Wifi depends on hospital to hospital. The first few times I was in there was no ward wifi, but they didn’t take your phone or your laptop or any internet dongle things you brought in. You could use data and the rooms had landline phones and you could make free local calls whenever you wanted. The hospital I am in has wifi now and I’ve noticed most of the private hospitals I’ve been to for surgery in the last two years now have patient wifi where they didn’t before.they may take your charging cables since they’re a hanging risk, (mine bases it on your case) but some places i’ve visited friends in also let you coil them up and zip tie them so they’re no longer a big string. 

Being isolated is going to be bad for your mental health so they tend to encourage visitors, day leave on the weekends and for you to interact with other patients, where I go there are art groups, music groups, gym, walking and some other stuff as well as the mental health workshops we do as part of group therapy.

As for advice, first i would reccomend trying to get a single room if you have PTSD. You don’t want to share with a stranger. Where I go they don’t make our ward share bc its a disaster, but they do have double rooms so i think its an option or was an option in the general wards.

Second would be bring everything and anything you think of as a comfort. soft things, pillows, plush toys, terrariums, fairy lights if you’re allowed cords or LED candles if u aren’t, colourful bedspreads, art supplies, books, a variety of nice soaps and body washes to make showering a bit more bearable.Call them up before u go with a list of things ur planning on bringing and ask if ur allowed, or get a visitor to drop things like plants and decorations off after u have arrived.It’s really distressing for me to return to my room after a heavy session with my psychiatrist and it doesn’t look like home. I can’t feel safe or wind down when its a stark white hospital room.  And i’ve found that decorating my space helps claim it as mine and kind of carve out a little area of calm when u might not have too much privacy. 

You might want to get noise cancelling headphones so u can sleep, or check out this white noise app because the nurses will have to check on you anywhere from every 15 mins to every 2 hours, and hearing them come in can stress a lot of people out even tho they try to be quiet in the night. 

the other thing i would do is bring a journal and record everything that happens. Most of my experiences have been good, but sometimes u get fuckery just like in every other place. I’m particularly succeptible to gaslighting, and my dissociation makes it hard to keep track of memories, so every time something goes wrong or I have an altercation with anyone I record it in case it turns into a pattern and I need my notes.

I also write daily diary entries because i’ve found i tend to forget what has happened in hospital when i’m out, and what happens from visit to visit, since we do a lot of trauma work and it freaks my brain out. It’s important to be able to remember what we have worked on and what revelations i’ve made and what advice i’ve been given so I write it all down in a book every time i go.

good luck

[bestillmybeefyheart]

Health, misinformation and you.

The ads here have taken over. I have at least 1 every 2-5 posts, I cannot block them, I cannot remove them, they are just there. So, out of curiosity, I clicked on one. Im up at 7am, bored, I figured what the hell. So I watched one from a Dr Gundry who made claims of toxic super foods and body health etc. With a big disclaimer below that the FDA hasn't approved this message. LOL. So this Dr is telling me the food Im eating is poison but his statements haven't been evaluated by the FDA, yeah, I'm going to take that guy seriously. Just like those fraudsters who make "50 States legal hemp CBD oil". Snake oil people. Any website who claims to have important medical information for you followed by "The information on this website has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease" is pretty much like someone holding up a sign that says "car crash ahead, take side exit". You need to take the side exit unless you want to get stuck in possibly hours of traffic. But what he said in the video made me think. So I did some research. I am no stranger to suppliments, super foods etc. And I like to learn. So, I took what he said and looked it up to see if I could find any truth to it. I wanted to be able to backup my slams, like any good human. :D His first claim... Soy is toxic for the body. Why? Well he says it contains chemicals that directly affect the thyroid and thus impact your health. Even the MayoClinic says this is simply not true. And Columbia University says that soy is perfectly fine and only really has a small impact on those who have an iodine deficiency. Dr. Grundy, 0. Facts, 1. Second claim, wheat grass is toxic and the human body cannot process it. his claim was that cows have multiple stomachs to digest grass and then went on to say there's a reason dogs eat grass to throw up. I found lots of sites debunking wheat grass and its benefits, and they did indeed claim that humans could not process it. And I did find proof that "wheat grass" is just grass (yep, you are paying $3-10 a pop for a shot of lawn clippings.) and that since our bodies do not have the enzymes to digest the grass, we cannot effectively get the chlorophyll out. However, I found many studies and lots of information that chlorophyll, in its pure form given to patients directly, can have an impact on the body and its systems. Keep in mind this is processed chlorophyll not lawn clippings. So the hard part, the part your body cant do aka digest it to get out this chlorophyll has already been done for you. So Dr Gundry, 0. Facts, 1. That is 2 wrongs out of 3. And as we all know, when you have 2 out of 3 wrong, that means you dont pass the test. If I tossed 3 basket balls at a hoop and missed 2, that third one would be useless regardless of how it went because I'd have already lost. Next, he claimed that Goji berries are bad for you. And I found that for the most part he was right, or at least in the right area. Goji berries contain toxic compounds and chemicals, and these can affect how your medications work, especially for diabetics. They also can cause digestive issues and in rare cases cause your blood not to clot as efficiently. Note that much of our health is dependent on two things... having a healthy gut and a healthy mouth. I know this for a fact as I have spent the last 2 years fighting disease linked to both. And I've had doctors tell me to work on my oral health and my diet to make my gut happy. I already brush my teeth regularly and floss, so I focused more on the diet and gut health side. Ive had nutrition studies done on me as well as been checked for assorted things I might be missing and I know for a fact that this is important. Your gut is the center for your health. Eat shit, feel shitty. Eat well, feel good. It's not BS, its science. Science I've lived. So on this one, I'm going to give Dr. Grundy a .5 for trying. He means well, so that has to count for something. He mentioned early man being healthy because of their diet, then as they got more modern, they got fat and unhealthy. And this is actually because they switched from healthy foods to less healthy ones as they modernized. Gone were the massive amounts of berries and plants and the low meat input, and the gluten and other things started to dominate. Heard of a paleo diet? There's a reason why it works for people with gluten issues. It focuses on things that dont bring in the bad stuff found in wheat etc, and brings in more of what our ancestors ate. Lets talk about two of the important things about this gut health thing that impacts your whole body... Lectins & polyphenol Lectins - These are a protein found in many foods that can have many negative effects on our bodies. These include damage to our GI tract and organs, metabolism issues and other things. You'll find Lectins in beans, grains, many fruits and veggies and stuff like nuts and seeds. Even dairy has lectins. Do some research and make a list and try some foods that are lower in lectins in place of your standard diet and see how it impacts your health and life. Dont take my word for it or this Dr Gundry. See for yourself. Everyone is different, so its not a "one size fits all" kind of situation. Polyphenol - This important photochemical, found in many anti-oxidant foods, help with diabetes, cancer, and heart problems and blockages in your viens according to sources on the internet. Cloves, Cocoa (Dark chocolate especially), oregano (Mexican), flax seeds, blue berries, green tea, coffee, red wine, some seeds and even margarine, which is fatty so be careful with this one. Also try peppermint, star anise, black elderberries, rosemary, safe, thyme, plums, strawberries and more. The highest items are cloves, peppermint, star anise and cocoa powder with the first two being way up there. Also, Im sure you've heard of Probiotics, the stuff in your gut that helps you digest and deal with the foods you put in? We'll, these probiotics actually use polyphenols, feeding on them and allowing them to interact with them in a way that makes them more powerful and gives them energy more or less to work, improving your gut health. If you've ever taken anti-biotics, your doctor probably (or should have) also recommend a probiotic. I know a little about this, as I've spent the last two years fighting GI problems, most of which were caused by Antibiotics destroying my gut health and causing the probiotics to become less effective. DO some searching on the web, looking for WebMC, the MayoClinic and other reputable sources, ask your doctor, and don't listen to the quack doctors like Dr Axe who make crazy claims to get attention. Listen to your body, your gut, and your doctor. Trust me on this from experience. So while Dr Gundry was right a little, he was also wrong a lot. Just going to show you that having a fancy title and medical history does not mean he or anyone knows what they are doing. As always, your doctor and you know more then anyone else about you and your health. And its your job to investigate these things. Don't just let someone tell you, look into it before you take action. And skip the overpriced grass. You can go out into your yard and cut some grass up and eat it and it will be no different then that $3-10 shot of "wheat grass". This is just my opinion based on my own life, some internet research and talking to my nutritionist and doctor as well as my GI doctor. I am not a doctor, this is not medical advice, and I always suggest you talk to your physician before making any diet changes or doing anything with supplements. Better safe then sorry. Hope this helps some of you and if not, feel free to fire back some of your own experience. Any hateful or angry comments will be ignored. And good luck to you.

[annabelharmony]

i liked this one

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52,000+ online now

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say STAND WITH HONG KONG AGAINST THE CCP!

You both like advice.

Stranger: hello

Stranger: here to help

You: ok

You: well this a super minor problem

Stranger: sure

Stranger: what is it?

You: yk the live omegle

Stranger: yeah

You: I meet guys on ther

You: I get their snap

You: They want me for nudes

You: Most of the time I give them

You: Either I offend them or they get bored or smth and unadd me

You: Or we just consistentely send nudes and I get bored

Stranger: i see ...

Stranger: so ... do you want advice on how to create a healthier relationship with people of the opposite sex?

Stranger: or ..?

You: ig

You: I just kinda wanted to rant and get advice on whatever

Stranger: that's okay

Stranger: that's why i'm here

Stranger: first things first, though ...

Stranger: ... there are much better ways to meet guys then sending nudes

Stranger: but i'm sure you know that already

You: well everyone on here is horny as shit

Stranger: yeah lol

You: and for rn I cant just meet people

You: I dont get invited to parties and stuff in general

Stranger: yeah but there are other online platforms were you can meet guys that are as ... sexually active as the ones on Omegle

You: so when Im bored and go on here I expect they want me for nudes even if its not explicitly said

You: sexually active people?

You: on here?

You: idk

You: people on here are sketch virgins

Stranger: well i mean like you said, everyone here is horny af, and you're right

Stranger: i guess that's what i meant

You: so why would they ask for my snap if they didnt want nudes?

You: idk but its kinda of annyoing

Stranger: well, the guys that hangout here on omegle want you snap for nudes, but not all guys that you meet that ask for your snap want nudes

Stranger: you know what i'm saying?

You: do you think people cope with minor things better if they talk about it or they pretend like it never happened

You: yeah i get it

Stranger: i think you should always talk about it

Stranger: because if you don't that minor thing will get bigger and bigger until you can't deal with it anymore

Stranger: it just becomes too much

You: like I feel kinda bad even if this is a really small thing

You: there was this guy who was kind of annyoing but he wanted nudes and i liked him

You: I asked him for his dick size after he sent me nudes I dont know why

You: and then I said aw ok, as in like I liked it

Stranger: i think all you need is more self-confidence

You: but it came across as super mean lol

You: and he blocked my ass

Stranger: like if i asked you for nudes right now, would you send them to me?

You: I have so much confidence you dont even know

You: no

You: bc I know nothing about you

Stranger: but do you really know the guys your sending the nudes to?

Stranger: they just see you as an easy target

Stranger: someone who will give them want they want

You: I think youre right

Stranger: but you shouldn't live to give these horny bastards what they want

You: But I dont see myself as an object really

Stranger: you should be living to help you

You: i willingly give that to them its my desicison

You: which i dont know is good

You: I hate saying no to people especially if I kind of want it

Stranger: but all they get is a few naked pictures of you and that's it

Stranger: no special connection is made

Stranger: so you basically are just a tool for them to use, even if it's your own decision

You: should I do it?

Stranger: lol and i'm not trying to be mean. i'm sorry if it sounds like i am

You: even if I want it

You: no youre right

You: I see what you mean completely

Stranger: well even if you want it, you need self-control

Stranger: if started telling you how pretty and hot you are

Stranger: and then showed you a pic of like my dick or something

Stranger: would you be inclined just to give away a photo of your naked body that will stay on the internet forever?

You: well it depends

Stranger: on what? my dick lol? sorry sorry

You: No lmao idc

You: but I needed some brief interaction ig

You: and no I dont trust this site

Stranger: if you don't trust the site, why are you giving naked photos of yourself to people who use the site?

You: not this site the other one

Stranger: oh you mean the live one?

You: which is a stupid reason ik

You: But this one is sketchier??

You: I dont know how thats possible

You: the other one is pretty bad

Stranger: look, tbh, both of them are really kinda nasty

Stranger: this advice place is one of the few innocent places

You: haha never

Stranger: and i'm sure there are still some nasty people

Stranger: yeah lol

You: are you a guy or a girl

Stranger: guy

You: I think what you said is what I wanted to hera

You: or more like what I needed to hear

Stranger: good

You: but I dont know I guess Ill do it less

Stranger: please, you're worth more than just someone who sends their body to complete strangers

Stranger: you're better than that

You: I dont think that makes me less of a person

You: I think theres this double standard where girls are forced to send nuds

You: and they cant just be chill about it

Stranger: yeah

Stranger: the whole society's fucked up

You: like guys sending their dps isnt a big deal theyre still worth something

You: but I dont know why I do it

You: if Im horny or seeking approval

You: Ig Ill do it less

Stranger: yes please do

You: but Im still doing it occasionally

Stranger: if you're seeking approval, you're seeking it from the wrong people

You: it kind of stimulates me

You: thats why Im on here

Stranger: i understand

Stranger: but if you're horny, you could always just like watch porn or something

Stranger: or does that not have the same effect for you?

You: I feel lonely

You: I used to watch porn more

Stranger: i'm sorry

Stranger: i wish there was someone you could trust

You: Im not that lonely

You: I just send nudes bc Im lonely

You: sex and relationship wise

You: I didnt spell that right

Stranger: it

Stranger: it's okay

Stranger: i wish i could help you more than just telling you stuff

You: no youre helping me

You: Just thing is when I dont have it I miss it

You: The nudes I mean

You: But I DO feel used

Stranger: you don't like feeling used, right?

You: and I dont know how much I care

You: well I dont think about it

Stranger: but you do after the fact, right?

Stranger: like, sure you might not feel used when you're doing it, but once it's already done and you look back at what happened, you feel used, right?

You: sometimes I think its fun

You: But its kind of like porn

You: Theres a limit to it

Stranger: yeah ... it is

Stranger: i mean you're basically giving away pictures of your body to these random dudes on the internet for free

Stranger: who knows what they'll do with those photos

Stranger: again, don't wanna sound mean

You: ok Im just gonna be honest Im not even in hs and Ive sent nudes to like 8 different fucking people

You: no youre right

You: which I dont think is a huge deal

Stranger: wait how old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

You: But its not like Im profiting of off it

You: too young for this convo

Stranger: so ... like ... less than 18?

You: I dont like telling people

You: Bc either they skip me or they stay and theyre pedos

Stranger: Uh ... you do know that what you're doing is illegal, right? If you're under 18 and you're giving nude photos to grown-ass men, that's child pornography ...

You: no

You: theyre my age

Stranger: oh

Stranger: well, on the one hand, thank god

Stranger: but on the other, well ... it still doesn't sit right with me

You: what doesnt sit right

You: also do I sound like im older than 18? I think I sound pretty young

Stranger: it's just i wish you didn't feel like you had to send nudes to fulfill some desire you have within you. no i thought you were pretty young, which is why i'm more concerned. we're probably the same age

You: how old are you

Stranger: 16

You: well heres my thing

Stranger: ?

You: I dont know if I should keep doing this

You: like sending nudes

You: Bc there was a period where I wasnt doing it

Stranger: yeah. please don't do it anymore

You: and I really didnt like it

You: Ok I'll do it less

You: and if it comforts you at all I will be kind of reminded of you before it happens

You: not to be weird

Stranger: no it's okay. that's good i guess

Stranger: i have to go now

Stranger: i'm sorry

You: ok see ya

Stranger: i wanted to help you more

Stranger: but ... sorry

You: yeah thanks you helped a lot

Stranger: alright

You: bye

Stranger: stay safe

[somedaypast-thesunset]

im in this like .. cycle i guess. 

i want to reach out for support because i feel a lack of support but to express a lack of support offends people around me (despite their lack of support) and i lose even the smallest amount of support i had 

i’m really sad lingering on feeling depressed. and im trying hard to reprogram my brain to see it as feeling depressed and not being depressed because its like acting out the emotion of depressed as your character and i just want to feel it because im not in a movie. 

i had an issue with my roommates dog while being in immense pain from a stupid cyst and literally no one would help. as i laid on the floor in pain i knew no one would actually help. it wasnt until 11pm that he returned a phone call i made at noon and when i said i was in pain he offered to bring me to his house and take me to the doctors tomorrow. 

but his whole attitude had changed like i was really burdening his life now and i guess he was calling to tell me he was leaving like the next day or somethng and now ive interrupted it. of course he didnt “say” this but it felt heavily implied and i never really felt comfortable being around him. he didnt want to show any affection and seemed to avoid it, slept through the day and had us go to bed at 10pm 

he had mentioned briefly that he would take me to the doctors again today but pack up and leave in the evening. this morning it was the same awkward uncomfortableness and he had like little desire to talk to me. i thought like if that was our last night and this is our last morning i guess it really says alot. like i guess if im ever severely injured he will begrudgingly help me in some way but he’ll have a really shit attitude about it and i can be nothing more than grateful i guess?

i told him i would take myself to the doctors. he said okay. i said i was leaving in 10 minutes and he said okay. i sat feeling really sick and i understand, a bit, that alot of this sickness comes from feeling really alone in other areas of my life. so theres like this giant hole and immediate panic when the person who was atleast occupyng space in the hole leaves. but if i had other people i wouldnt feel such panic - i’m thinkng like wow i’m fucked if i’m actually hurt. or if i get sick. like i cant expect any help from anyone even though they all receive some kind of help from other people. i cant even make a call to anyone and express anything at all without them having to go or do something else in their life that im not apart of. and its not just bad timing -  i could wait and wait and im just waiting for someone to make the time for me and i have to be grateful that anyone would set aside even one hour of their day for me and ive not been around other people who understand the complexities of this. like, of course im grateful. im extremely grateful. thats like all i think about for that hour that thank fucking god there was a single human being willing to give me this time so i could even help myself in some way. 

and its not like i dont give this. ive given soooooooooo much of this an got nothing in return. except that i have to feel super grateful for the hour i get in return for my huge investment into their lives. and its like at nooooo point can i ask my mom for 20$. i cant ask my dad what credit card i should get. or if this person is ripping me off. like i get that i can (an will) do all these things myself but i dont even get the priviledge of receiving valid learned advice from a trusted source - i get jack offs and reddit commenters explaining how a mortgage works. or how to buy a car. or the best tips on a driving test. and when im sad and lonely? i get to turn to strangers on the internet or i guess worse, this. even though its likely no one at all will read this. when im really sick? i make chicken soup for myself. i go to the store for myself. i maybe find a ride to the doctors and mabe get lucky the pharmacy is there too so i dont have to ride the bus.when i feel like everything is chaotic? i return to cats. 

but hey - i’m going to be a “stronger, smarter” person right? thats what it all boils down to. lacking soo much will somehow make me stronger and smarter than the next person who already has these things. doesnt that seem so dumb? to me, i just worked 10x as hard to get to the same place that someone else did with half the work. but im “stronger and smarter” for the effort. i think you’re wiser and more resilient. because you become wise through experience and knowledge of the experience - but you can still be dumb as hell. you arent stronger - you just learned to put up with more; that’s resilience. you couldn’t use resilience like you could use strength. it just means you didnt give up. 

and thats not a negative but when you place it in this light i think it conjures a different respect for the lack of priviledges that it takes to reach “wiser and more resilient’. 

right now im really.... alot of things. i feel sad and angry and frustrated and bitter and envious. im trying to respect other peoples journeys but its leaving me really fucking alone. i told him i was leaving and he said bye. that could very well be our last personal encounter and i guess i appreciate that i left it as is. instead of trying to shape it into something it wasnt going to be, i just accepted that this was the choice he was making. of course, its easier to leave when you disconnect from someone/the things around you. 

i personally feel that this is the end of the relationship and my expectation is that he’ll be gone in the next 24 hours. i think i would prefer to leave our last encounter as this. although he “asked” multiple times how i was feeling or why i didnt feel good - i knew that he wasnt even the person to be talking to about it. how could i explain any of this to him? he has really not understood it and its doubtful he ever will. i expect nothing from him now - maybe i did before. maybe i wanted to have something real with him, like how we pretended to have. and i guess he showed his ‘support’ but like - youre leaving anyways. what happens when youre gone? does it matter? 

i cant ask these questions because theyre already answered. nothing happens, life goes on. you got what you got for the time being, be grateful. 

its not just him i feel this way with - i actually feel this way with multiple people ive been around. i cant talk about these things beacause it implies they dont care. and they do care otherwise they wouldnt have given me a ride or a sandwhich or bus change or sat wth me for an hour or smoked me some weed. BUT NONE OF IT MATTERS TO My ACTUAL LIFE. when you give a homeless man a dollar, do you think you just changed his life? like you changed 5 minutes before he had to go ask for another dollar from someone else because not a single person wants to give him actual legitimate help. just smile and nod. 

ths morning his mother literally shut the garage door on me. i have no idea how she did not hear the door open or the garage door open standing 10 ft away but she literally shut the door and i sat in the dark. i said nothing because no one cares. 

and he bitchs and moans about all these things and its like hes just discovering no one cares  and his solution is to also stop caring for anyone but himself. and its like he doesnt even see this because hes ‘going to get better and help so many people’ but hes not. he literally is not. and its infruiating that he cant even signficiantly benefit one persons life and his solution to this is to stop any attempts and focus just on himself before i guess inviting the world in. 

am i not fucking worthy or deserving? i’m not some runaway kid. i’m not a fucking drug addict. i’m not a single mom. if not me, then who deserves to benefit? i guess everyone above. you know, i didnt add to everyone being fucking dead and deserted with severe trauma and ptsd and little coping skills by taking hard drugs and fucking strange men. i didnt have unsafe sex. but i guess i should have so i could have the attention that other people seem to get for these acts. i stayed “strong” and “smart” and i’m alone and struggling. i guess i deserve to be. 

when i say this its not like i want people to immediately become my family and do all this shit with me and include me an talk to me all waking moments. i want this person who has been in my life but has remained in a neutral position by their own decision to remain neutral as i express the lonliness that i feel being in this position instead of take it personal or trying to make me be optimistic about it. i am sitting with a person and still expressing this - optimism is not what i need. nor do i need to argue that this person hasnt fulfilled the needs i have when they consider themselves a ‘friend”. to be a friend now is to remain in the position youve already taken and allow me the space to now be myself - this sucks. its hard. when i speak, no one is really listening. when i need someone, i have to wait until “a good time” which could be days. and its not just one person. if this one person was doing this - fine. it’s sad but bareable. it’s so many encounters that i feel like im in highschool floating through the halls unnoticed. i have no significance or importance to anything. and its not like oh god i have to be loved and have attention but like theres litereally none. there is zero. nothing. 

thats when “anything” looks better than nothing and you get stuck in even shittier situations.