#i dont want nobody to see this! my expectations are Not high but it would be cool to get some validation

[puppmeo]

Have you ever been assumed to be romantically attracted to someone and even just the thought of that makes you want to throw up . Anybody

[nadvs]

cam girl (part four)

pairing rafe cameron x female reader

rating explicit 18+

summary you work two jobs. by day, you’re a maid for the cameron household, where rafe degrades you any chance he can get. by night, you’re a cam girl, hiding your face so nobody can recognize you. when you discover your new subscriber, the filthy-mouthed man obsessively paying you to do everything he can think of, is rafe, you’re not sure what to do next.

» masterlist

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

You don’t know how you got through the rest of your housekeeping shift after being with Rafe. You don’t even know how you got through the rest of the day.

He still wants you to host private sessions for him, still wants to pay to watch you do things to yourself. So here you are, obeying him as usual, sitting on your bed, in front of your laptop, dressed in white lingerie and aching for a release.

figure8 has joined the session.

figure8: hi princess

“Don’t ‘hi, princess’ me, Rafe,” you say. “You have any idea how I feel right now?”

You’re still so pent up from how be denied you an orgasm earlier that day. After work, you tried to study, but you were so distractedly horny.

Still, you listened to his instructions not to give yourself the release you needed until you were on camera with him tonight. And even through the frustrating anticipation, knowing your next orgasm has his name on it, knowing he wants to dominate you like this, is so gratifying.

figure8: someone’s grumpy

figure8 tipped you $500.

figure8: feel better?

You stifle your smirk.

“Can I open this yet?” you ask, holding the box he gave you, still sealed.

figure8: you dont have to hide your face anymore

You instinctually arranged yourself how you always did when you set up your camera, but you realize he’s right. He’s seen your face already. He’s seen everything already.

You reposition to show all of you on the screen, viewing the mirror image, the pout on your face apparent.

figure8: my pretty girl. i cant stop thinking about how your face looked covered in my cum today

You can’t control your smile at his message. Shit. You were supposed to be mad at him.

“Speaking of cumming…” you say slyly. “When can I?” Your confidence is always so high, your attitude so ballsy when you’re on cam.

It’s like the real you comes out, no inhibitions whatsoever. You still can’t believe how speechless he had you in his bedroom earlier today, but you know the next time you see him in person, you’ll be able to talk to him the way you always do on during your video sessions.

figure8: open the box

You sigh a breath of relief, pulling off the pink bow and taking off the cover. On a bed of white silk lays a small, pink c-shaped sex toy. You turn it over in your hands, trying to see how it works. The chat chimes.

figure8: you look so cute trying to figure it out

“Stop teasing me,” you tell him.

figure8: no

You continue to study the item Rafe bought you, slowly understanding what part is supposed to go inside of you and what part is supposed to go against your clit.

But there aren’t any buttons.

“How does this work, baby?” you ask, your frustration dissolving as curiosity takes over.

figure8: ready?

Seconds later, you feel the toy buzz in your hands.

“Are you… controlling this?” you ask, amused. You would have never expected Rafe to be so kinky.

figure8: get naked and put it in your pussy

Eagerly, you strip off your bra and panties, spreading your legs in front of the camera like you’re straddling your laptop.

figure8: wait

You sit with your legs spread, feeling your eyebrows furrow. He’s making you wait again?

figure8: just want to look at that sweet pussy again. you tasted so good

You think back to Rafe’s head between your legs earlier that day, the way his mouth lapped and fluttered over your folds.

You can see on the screen that you have small marks on the inside of your thighs. He left hickies on you with all his teasing. He put marks on you, like he promised he would.

“You like when I do this, don’t you?” you ask, pulling your pussy lips apart.

figure8: i’m hard as fuck

“Yeah?” you coo. “You ate me out so nice today. Hopefully next time you’ll let me finish.”

figure8: so desperate for me

You put your hand at your center, rubbing right where you’re throbbing to at least ease the pain just a bit.

“Can I use the toy, baby?” you try to sweet-talk him.

figure8: go ahead. put it in and stay sitting just like that

You pick up the silicone toy, sliding the bottom part into your hole and shuddering. The top curve rests against your clit and you sit back, hands behind you as you support yourself.

figure8: i love seeing that cunt full

“When is it going to be full with your dick?”

figure8: when i say so

You sigh and grind your hips forward. The toy gently buzzes inside of you and you dip your head back, a choked moan spilling out of your lips.

The vibrations are rhythmic and far apart, but at least you’re finally getting some stimulation.

The other part of the vibrator starts moving, suctioning over your clit. The sensation of both ends working you, of knowing Rafe is controlling it on the other side of town, lying in his bed and watching you with his hard dick in his hand, adds to how hot all of this is.

You arch your back as the toy buzzes and sucks and you start to roll your hips.

The chat chimes.

figure8: keep your eyes on the screen so u can see how pretty u look when you’re moaning

“Okay,” you obey breathlessly. You watch yourself on the screen, tits out, pussy squeezing around the toy Rafe bought you.

He keeps the same low setting on for a few minutes and you softly moan through the sensations. He knows this isn’t enough to make you cum but you don’t want to whine.

figure8: ready for more?

“Please,” you plead. The buzzing in you grows stronger, your walls clenching around the toy. “Shit, Rafe.”

figure8: feels good?

“So good,” you sighed. “So fucking good.”

figure8: play with your tits for me, princess

You sit up, putting your hands over your chest, fondling your breasts. You pinch your nipples and rub your fingers over them.

figure8: my good girl

The vibrator’s buzzing gets even more intense and you squeeze your legs together to get the most out of it.

The toy immediately stops moving.

“Rafe,” you groan.

figure8: you didn’t listen

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” you shudder. You spread your legs for him again and look at the screen at your own desperate expression. Thankfully, you feel the toy move again, but it’s at the low setting you started at.

You won’t complain. He’ll delay the orgasm even more.

Eventually, you’re at the second level again and you quiver at how good it feels.

“Can we go a little faster? Please?” you purr, the knot inside you tightening.

figure8: god i thought i could do this but i can’t. where are you. i need to fuck you

The message makes your stomach flutter with butterflies. The thought of him pounding into you on your bed, of you not having to make yourself cum with your hand or a toy, thrills you.

“Now who’s impatient?” you ask with a smirk.

figure8: whats the address

“Let me just type it out for you,” you say slowly, enjoying this small window of control you’re in.

You type it out in seconds, but keep your hands over the keyboard before sending it to purposely make him wait, tits squeezed together up to the camera for him to see.

He only messages your name and you laugh at his neediness. Then a second message comes in.

figure8: you’ll pay for this

“Scary,” you mock. In reality, you’re really excited to see what punishment looks like to him. You finally hit the enter key.

figure8 tipped you $1000.

Rafe leaves the chat.

The fact that he still paid you is a pleasant surprise. In just a few days, you’ve fattened up your bank account quite nicely just from pleasuring yourself for him.

There’s a knock at your apartment door after what feels like an eternity. You open it a few inches, peeking out to see Rafe, and you shield yourself with the door as you open it to avoid anyone else in the hallway possibly seeing you nearly naked.

You figured there was no reason getting fully dressed, only putting your panties on.

With how much he loves to tell you he owns you, you’re sure Rafe wouldn’t take it well if a neighbor accidentally saw you exposed. He won’t even allow you to cam for other guys anymore.

You lock the door, leaning back on it with your arms crossed.

He towers over you, his presence so damn demanding in your tiny apartment. Your whole place would fit in his bedroom. He probably hasn’t ever been inside a home this small.

His eyes are fixed on your tits, the burning in his eyes giving you a warm sense of satisfaction.

“What was it that made you need to come fuck me yourself?” you ask with a smirk.

Maybe it’s because you’re in your own home, but now you have the confidence to tease him how you always do on cam, the shock of him knowing who you were during your sessions now worn off.

Rafe’s clearly amused, closing the distance between you, placing a hand up on the door as he dips his head to look down at you.

“You’re acting like you weren’t just asking when you can get my dick inside you,” he says, voice deep and dripping with desire. His lips curl into a smile, his perfect teeth peeking behind them.

Your fingers feverishly find the hem of his t-shirt and you start to pull it up, hungry to see him naked again.

“Can’t wait for it, can you?” Rafe asks, standing straight and bunching the fabric between his shoulder blades, pulling the shirt off for you and dropping it.

“I’m not the one who just drove all the way over here to fuck,” you taunt. Your eyes fall down his toned chest, the ridges of his abs. “And I’m needy?”

You love this back-and-forth power struggle with him. It’s like a game, a competition to see which one of you is more desperate for the other.

And honestly, it feels a little like payback for the orgasm he denied you today.

He brings his hands up your sides, sliding up to your tits, putting his cool palms on your chest and squeezing and fondling in a way that makes you sigh with pleasure.

“I have to fuck that attitude out of you,” he huffs. You giggle at his words, feeling your core pulse with desire.

Before you started anything with him, you thought Rafe was just another privileged, entitled asshole who’s painfully hot and knows it. But you’re actually having fun with him, teasing each other like this.

Your hands wander over his hard chest, smoothing over his worked out pecs.

“You can try,” you retort. He leans down and locks his lips on yours. His body curls up against you, your back pressed against the door as he grinds against you, his cock hard.

His hands cup your ass and he suddenly hikes you up. You wrap your arms and legs around him, your damp panties pressed against his hard stomach.

You dip your head into the crook of his neck and he smells like expensive cologne and salty sweat and man, making the tension coil inside you even tighter.

“Show me where you fuck yourself for me every night,” he orders, breath hot against your ear.

You pull back to meet his eyes, looking down at him through heavy lids. You wordlessly motion to the open door into your bedroom.

Rafe carries you through your apartment and lowers you onto your bed, hovering over you as he continues to kiss you roughly, tongue tumbling with yours. He traps your bottom lip between his teeth, the twinge of pain mixing so well with the pleasure.

You feel his hand rest on your pussy and your nerves are on fire.

“This is mine,” he rasps against your lips.

“Yours,” you say.

He rubs over your panties in broad circles, dipping his head down to your collarbone, tongue slowly darting out as he sucks. You’re sure he’ll leave another hickey on you.

You feel him press his finger over your hole, nudging the fabric of your panties against you.

You’ve officially lost all your patience.

“Please fuck me,” you say. You’re not even being needy because he likes it - you are fully desperate. “I’ll beg as much as I need to, okay? Just… please. I need you so fucking bad.”

Rafe pulls away, looking down at you in the dim light of your bedroom. His smirk is so damn smug and so damn arrogant. You’re stroking his ego and he loves it.

“I told you that you’ll pay for that little game you played,” Rafe threatens.

“Rafe,” you moan, squirming below him.

“I thought you might touch yourself the second you got home… but I can tell you listened to me.”

“I did,” you reassure him. “Do whatever you want to me. Just let me cum.”

“Whatever?” he echoes, dimples taunting you. You bring your hands up to his shoulders, nails digging into the back of his neck. This is fucking torture.

“Anything, Rafe,” you promise.

“What if I want you on your knees so I can fuck that pretty mouth as hard as I want?” The thought makes you feel like you’ve entirely drenched your underwear.

“Yes, yes,” you say, nodding desperately. “Please. Anything.”

He laughs so damn pompously and degradingly, like your need for him is comical.

“It’s not funny,” you whine.

“I’d be balls deep in you right now if you didn’t fuck with me,” he tells you. You regret not just giving him your address immediately. Teasing him wasn’t worth it.

He gets up, taking his hand off your pussy and encircling your wrist, beckoning you to sit up.

“On the floor, princess,” he instructs.

You quickly settle on the rug next to your bed, knees on the floor and hands on your lap as you look up at him.

Rafe stands and unzips his jeans in front of you and pulls them down, left in gray briefs that do no work hiding the thick shape of his dick.

When he takes off his last piece of clothing, his cock bucks out, precum already leaking out the tip. You could tease him about how horny he is for you, but you know better.

He starts to slowly stroke his length.

“Eyes up,” he says. You obey and look up at him, knowing the amused, perverse way he’s gazing down at you will not soon leave your memory. You don’t want it to.

He pats his dick on your parted lips, your bottom lip quivering beneath the weight of it.

“You sucked it so good today,” Rafe taunts. “And look at you doing it again. You like this cock?”

“I love it,” you tell him.

He pinches your chin so you’ll open your mouth wider and slowly pushes himself in, his breath shaky as your mouth takes him all.

The base of his cock presses against your nose and you squeeze your fists tight, pussy aching in need. As bad as you want him inside of you, this feeling is so fucking perfect.

He puts his hands on the sides of your head, thumbs pressed on your temples.

“You’re gonna keep that pretty mouth open just like this, okay?” he instructs.

You nod, mouth full.

He pulls back, then pumps back into you. You gag and you hear him groan.

“That fucking sound…” he says.

He bucks in and out again, faster this time. You close your eyes from the pleasure of being used by him like this.

“Eyes.” His voice is husky. You meet his gaze again. “Good girl.”

Rafe’s pumps start to speed up, the tip of his dick sliding deep in your throat. His grip on your head tightens as he starts to lose himself in the feeling, his groans so damn hot that you wish you were recording this so you could play it back the next time you’re touching yourself.

But then again, it seems like Rafe has full control over when and where and how you masturbate.

He keeps fucking your face and you choke again after a deep thrust, starting to slobber on his cock. He pumps once more, deep, and you let out a strangled gag, tears forming.

He pulls out suddenly, his eyes frantically searching yours.

“Is it too much?” The concern on his face, the fact that he’s checking in on you like this, makes you realize just how wrong you were about this man. He is so much more than you thought.

Even in the eroticism of the moment, your heart feels like it flutters from Rafe’s display of care.

“No,” you tell him, wiping the spit around your mouth off with the back of your hand. “Keep going.”

He enters your mouth again and you fucking love it. The way he tastes, how hard he is, how smooth he is. It’s perfection.

Rafe returns to his fast pace, rocking in and out of your mouth, his eyes on yours the entire time. After a few more thrusts, he takes out his wet cock and puts one hand on the base of his length and the other at the back of your neck.

“You need to be fucked, don’t you, princess?” he asks.

“Please,” you whisper, anticipation bubbling inside of you. Finally, his cock will be right where you need it.

He applies pressure to the back of your neck, beckoning you to stand. On weak knees, you lift yourself up and let him guide you down onto your bed.

You lie on your back and Rafe leans down to slide his fingers under the band of your panties. You put your legs together so he can slide them down and off of you.

The mattress sinks as he bows to lie over you, his hands on the bed at either side of your head. You gaze up at him, the planes of his cheeks, the slope of his nose.

“You’re fucking beautiful, you know that?” Rafe rasps.

You’re thinking the same thing about him, but you’re so starved that you can’t say a single word.

Your cunt is dripping and goosebumps spread across every inch of your naked body. And you’ve never been happier that you’re on the pill, so you can feel him fuck you without a barrier.

One of his hands dip low to guide himself into you and you swear that you can see stars once you feel his tip nudge against your opening.

You shut your eyes and hear his sharp intake of breath as he enters you fully.

“God,” you shudder, the weakness in your voice shocking you. Nobody has ever had this effect on you, felt this nice in you. “Oh, my God.”

“Shit, that’s so fucking good,” he praises, bottoming out inside of you.

It hurts a little at first. You expected it with his size. But your body adjusts quickly and you feel nothing but bliss.

You find the strength to link your legs around him tightly, trapping him, afraid he’ll tease you again.

“It’s okay, baby, I’m not going anywhere,” Rafe says with a chuckle, bending to press his lips against yours.

His weight is on you, his dick is filling you, his lips are pulling yours, and you want to stay in the moment forever.

He seems to savor the feeling of being inside of you for a moment, and then pulls back and plunges deep inside you again. You turn your head to the side, away from his mouth so you can speak.

“Harder, please,” you beg impatiently.

“We have all night,” he says. You can feel his smile against your cheek.

You let out a hopeless whimper and he seems to have a moment of sympathy, realizing just how tortuously he’s been teasing you.

Rafe pulls back then rocks back into you harder, jolting your body with pleasure. The bed starts to squeak as he rolls his hips, thrusting in and out of you.

You groan, hooking your arms around him, hands pressed on his shoulders. He presses his face into the crook of your neck, his breath hot on you.

His muscles flex under your palms as he jerks his fat cock into you, rubbing against your walls, reaching deep inside you.

“You like that?” he whispers, his hot breath pressing on your neck.

“You fill me up so nice,” you moan. “Fuck, Rafe.”

“This pussy is so fucking perfect,” he says.

He straightens, holding himself up with locked arms, gazing at you with heavy lids, looking drunk off the feeling of fucking you. Your tits bob up and down with his rough movements, your chest heaving.

“Play with yourself,” he tells you. “You deserve to cum nice and hard, princess.”

You smile gratefully and immediately circle your clit with your fingers, the sensation mind-blowing. Rafe continues to pump in and out hard, looking down as you touch yourself, getting a private show out of you even in person.

He watches you in what you can only describe is awe, and dips his long forefinger inside your mouth. You wrap your lips around his finger, sucking on it as he thrashes into you.

You feel yourself inching closer to your peak. You shut your eyes and arch your back, lips parting as you pant with each thrust.

A million fireworks explode inside of you when you finally cum. You clench around Rafe and feel him go even harder when his hot liquid pools into you.

He’s breathing just as hard as you are when he slowly pulls out. You hate the feeling of him leaving your body.

He collapses beside you, both of you looking up at the ceiling as you come down from the high.

You could pass out in seconds and you figure Rafe is not the kind of guy that cuddles. But because of the rough neighborhood you live in, you need to make sure the door’s locked behind him.

Before you can figure out how to ask him if he wants to stay, knowing he’ll say no, you hear a dreadful rattle.

“Fuck,” you groan.

“What was that?” Rafe asks.

“My heat just broke again,” you say. “The radiator is shit.”

You mentally go through the catalogue of what you need to do - find your extra blankets, bring out the space heater, keep trying to turn on the radiator even though you know it’s pointless.

“Again?”

“My landlord’s an ass. He’s supposed to fix it but never actually does.”

“So… what?”

“What do you mean?” you turn to look at Rafe, the soft lighting in your room casting shadows on his pretty face.

“What do you do now?”

“Bundle up,” you say with a defeated chuckle. “It usually starts working again in a few days.”

“Don’t you… can’t you call someone?” he asks. What a rich person thing to say. Call someone. The answer to everything.

“It’s too expensive,” you say. “And it’s not even on me. My landlord’s supposed to do it.”

“It’s, like, thirty degrees outside.” You’re not sure if he’s teasing or laughing at you right now, but you can’t take it. He can berate you all he wants sexually, mocking how much you want him, but your financial situation isn’t on the table.

“I know you love to give me shit, but don’t… not over this, okay?” you say.

Rafe nods quickly. You’re not sure if this means he was about to mess with you about it but won’t, or if it means he wouldn’t taunt you about it in the first place.

“How much would it cost? To fix?” he asks.

“I had someone come look at it a while ago and it cost $200 just for him to tell me it’s a $3000 fix since it’s such an old system.”

“That’s nothing,” he says.

At this point, you have to laugh. He is so fucking out of touch.

“Rafe, how much do you think I make cleaning your house?” you ask. You hope you don’t have to spell it out for him. You’re a maid. For fuck’s sake, you started to get naked for strangers online to make extra money. You’re clearly not in a great spot financially.

And sure, his tips are helping to cover bills, but you still have tuition and loans and rent to worry about.

Rafe doesn’t say anything. He just looks back up at the ceiling, giving you a chance to gaze at his profile.

This man doesn’t know how good he has it. He’s never had to worry about the cost of home repairs. Or rent. Or bills.

You knew Rafe was from a different world. For fuck’s sake, you cleaned his mansion twice a week - you saw the life he lived. But this makes you see just how far removed he is from what life is like for somebody like you.

“You gonna get on camera for me again tomorrow?” he finally asks. You can’t help but laugh. His mind is in the gutter. Of course. You knew not to expect much from him.

“Sure, baby,” you say. “I like that toy you got me. How do you control it?”

“On my phone,” he says. He shifts in bed, getting up, and you figure this is the end of the night.

You yawn and try to will your tired body to sit up. But Rafe lies back down, his phone in his hand. He must have taken it out of the pocket of his jeans.

He opens an app in front of you, showing the buttons on the screen that trigger different modes. If you weren’t so exhausted from how hard he fucked you, you’d probably ask to play with it right now.

You watch him close the app and tap on the green “Phone” app. He hands it to you.

“Here,” he says. “Put your number in.”

Caught off guard, you take Rafe’s phone - the newest iPhone, of course - and type in your digits. Why would he need to contact you outside of the cam website?

Probably for booty calls like these. This guy is only keeping you around to watch you on cam or fuck you. He only has one setting. Horny.

Then Rafe gets up again, and this time he’s clearly ready to leave, pulling his briefs up. You take a moment to appreciate how nice his ass is.

You wrap one of your smaller blankets around you and follow him out to your front door.

Rafe bends to pick up his shirt off the floor and you notice the logo as he pulls it on. That shirt he carelessly tossed to the ground costs the same as your rent. Probably more.

He turns to look at you, his frame large, his hand on the doorknob.

“This was fun,” he says. “Next time, I’m fucking you from behind.”

“Deal,” you say with a playful shove.

After showering and brushing your teeth, you get out the extra blankets and the loud, old space heater you keep in your closet.

You settle into bed, taking out your phone to set an alarm so you can wake up early tomorrow and get a head-start on studying.

A notification on your screen shocks you. An unknown number sent you $3000.

{ read part five here }

[ghostsprettymama]

HIS PRINCESS

Headcannons for Erik kilmonger (N’jadaka) in a new series coming due to voting.

Erik loving when you use the Theluji version of Xhosa (the same but its more rich, yet soft and fierce)

WOULD START ARGUEMENTS JUST SO YOU USE YOUR NATIVE TONGUE

He knows xhosa fluently, but pretends to not know it when you confess to him in xhosa.

USING HIS BIRTH NAME !!

it makes him bonkers.

Like. Deadass he loves you addressing him as N'jadaka, using any other name would make him think youre mad at him. you only used that name on him since you were four.

He likes the way it rolls off your tongue, would make you moan it during sex js to make him do what you want

"please Erik i need it please." "use my right name, you what to say baby." "fuck me nice n good N'Jadaka !" n he listens

WEAK SPOTS FOR U

He has a weak spot for when you wear your dresses and formal wear.

likes seeing you all high and mighty, HE LOVES. a woman in control

Making you cry in bed is his turn on, out of bed he gets so soft for you. " dont cry angel, youll get sick. dont let nobody make my Princess cry but me. just let me know who and ill handle it."

his love language?

Okay this man is so confusing

he switches love languages alot

like more then he should.

He would bring,make or buy gifts for you out of love and wouldnt expect anything back. this man will have statues carved for your beauty.

He reclaimed his title as one of the princes of wakanda , which equals to many women being envious, but Erik dresses you nice, then shows you off.

deffinently big on praising and physical intimacy.

for a "scary" guy he LOVES holding your hand or holding you in general, not a love language hes just an ass

EXTRAA

he indeed does sing

an amazing voice too

only sings you to sleep though

Fic : His Princess

[decodedlvr]

As long as I’m with You

Steve Harrington x You (short)

Summary: Steve wakes up to another bad night you’ve had this week

Warnings: hurt/comfort, talks of poor physical and mental health, doctors, suicidal ideation, medication use, drug use, chronic health issues, BPD if you squint, disabilities, use of the word “girl” x times, negative self talk, mentions of sex, angst, fluff~~

This is based off my own experiences and inspired by my pal Morgan’s version; feel free to check hers out

Tick tick tick

The clock strikes 12 and then 1, 3, 5am in the morning, no sleep no rest it’s an every day cycle. The same shitty cycle.

It’s a new year, but not a new you.

Sitting in your walker in front of the excruciatingly bright television screen, high as a kite, everything in existence running through your mind 100 mph, sometimes the weed helps the pain. Sometimes it induces it or even makes it worse. Right now it’s doing nothing for you. Looking over at your loved one sound asleep. You don’t want to bother him with your whines or crying. So you just sit there silence, tears rolling down your cheeks; while you watch some bullshit on YouTube.

Sniff Sniff

“Baby?”

Shit.

“..yea?” you say in a whispered tone

“Are you ok? what’s wrong?”

“Ah, you already know”, you’ve used that line probably over a million times

Steve comes along your side expecting a few dried tears, but his eyes widen when he’s sees the collar around your shirt bitten, snot dribbling down your mouth and throat, crouching down, he lies his head onto your thigh looking up at you, “Talk to me sweetheart”

“No.”

“Hey, I know you’re hurting”—

“GOOD FOR YOU! Congratulations you know I’m hurting, you know I’ve been hurting for fucking years. I’m glad you’ve acknowledged it unlike some people”you sniffle getting up in a hurry to take a piss as he follows with sad eyes leaning against the door frame

“I’m fucking tired, I’m so goddamn exhausted nobody will ever know what I’m dealing with!”, you say wiping your ass not bothering to wash your hands, “I can’t do anything I can’t run, I can’t jump, can’t go to the stupid, fucking grocery store without one of those motorized carts.. my back hurts, my fucking knees are throbbing, stupid fucking nerves won’t calm down FUCK! It’s not like I can get in the bathtub to calm my muscles down. Nothing is helping! No medication, no PT, no injections, no nothing! Why?? am I just resistant to any source of help or treatment? I-I can’t even lay in the goddamn bed to sleep. That’s all I have left is rest!! What is rest!? I don’t know what the hell that even is”

“I know baby I know”—

“NO YOU DONT STEVE, all you know is what you see. I wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy, my worst enemy to feel what I feel. That’s how bad it all hurts. The most evil, sick and twisted person in this world, I would never wish this upon. I just..”, getting dizzy you collapse on the bed sobbing into your own hands, then eventually into Steve’s shoulder as he rocks you, tears spilling from his own eyes—

“Nobody cares, nobody wants to help me. nobody cares unless I’m rich and can afford to give them any and ALL the things off my back, but I can’t. Even with the money you make it will never be enough to help the poor girl who’s too young to have any kind of issue. It’s “all in my head” I’m just fucking crazy. I could break my own neck and still be told it’s only from anxiety. Nobody cares just”—

“I care” he exhales

“It doesn’t matter if you care, all your care is useless, all your help is worthless to me because it gets me nowhere. Nobody’s love and care gets me nowhere. It’s nothing all but fucking false hope. Don’t you get that? None of you still to this day seems understand that. Stop praying for me to get better. It’s never going to happen. I can’t take it anymore.. I just wanna die! All I wish for is to die but, I can’t even have that. It’s like all of you want me here, to live and suffer for the rest of my life for y’all, it’s not fair, fuck that”, your trembling, body in fight or flight

“Don’t say that, you know I’d do anything to take your pain away”

“It doesn’t matter what you’d do because you’re not a doctor. You’re not a professional, you can’t help me get better.. sucks to hear but it’s the truth Steve..fuck”—

Steve’s really trying not to beat himself up over your words, he knows you’re in pain, it comes from a place of anger, frustration and fear

“I have all these pain medications I could easily take all at once, so I’ll never have to wake up in this position ever again. Why can’t I do it huh? I could end right here right now you never have to suffer again, but I just d-don’t; If anything, I’m the most selfless person for staying alive for YOU just so I can be alive but in pain all over again for YOU!”, your tone getting higher and higher in pitch

“I-I’m sorry.. I wish I knew the right words to say baby”, he’s trying his best to stay strong for you

“You’ve got to be sick of me, tired of me. All I do is cause more money to come out of your pockets, more exhaustion, more burdening, more crying, more everything bad for you. You already deal with your own shit. I do nothing but make your own mentality worse, hell you’re making your own self worse being with a person like me. A broken and useless excuse of a human being. You deserve somebody who can go hiking with you, go to the beach, travel with, who can do the bare minimum. Can’t even fuck you properly—

“STOP! Stop that right now” he shouts

You freeze because he’s never raised his voice at you, atleast not on purpose at such a vulnerable time

“I hate it too. You know it hurts me to know that you hurt and I’m sorry that I can’t take the pain away from you. My sweet, sweet girl I’m so sorry that nobody has given you the chance to hear your voice, to help heal you..but I’m gonna make you the same promise I make you almost every single night. As long as I’m with you, I will try my best with all my power to make it a little bit more bearable for you to be here, and I am so grateful that you are still here and choose to be here with me for us to be together. I know you hurt, but as long as you’re with me, I’m going to do my best to put a smile on your pretty face, beautiful sunshine of a smile because you’re my sunshine.. y-your smile gives me life did you know that?”

You nod. He tells you all the time

“I- I’m tired for wishing to feel ok for my birthdays, every Christmas. All the shirts and posters you got me for Christmas? I haven’t even touched them yet, you know why? Because the selfish person in me doesn’t give a fuck about none of it. The only thing I care about and want and NEED is pain relief and that’s too much to ask for isn’t it? Apparently wanting to be better in the world it’s too much to ask for”

“You deserve to feel better”, he says while his hand travels up your back to rub your tense neck, “You deserve to be free from all of this and I can’t give that to you. You’re not selfish baby you’re hurting. I love you for you. I knew what I was signing up for, and if I didn’t want that I wouldn’t be here right now with you. I know the sacrifices Ill have to make, the tears I’ll have to shed, the strength it’ll take me to pick you up when you’re down, but I fell in love with you, how you are, and who you are”

“Who are you kidding Steve, you don’t even know who I am. The real me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I wish you met me when I wasn’t sick then maybe you wouldn’t be so stressed out a-and.. and,” you start sobbing again, it’s all too overwhelming

“Hey, hey look at me, no. I met you at the right time. You need me just as much as I need you. You may not think you’re worth nothing but you’re worth everything to me. Yeah you have a good and bad days..—

“I’ve had nothing but bad days for the past few months Steve”-

“I know, I see it, I hear it and I witness it, I may not can feel it, but at the end of it all, you still love me. You’re still here. You still want to cook for me. You still get up to brush your teeth and I’m so proud of you for still trying to care for yourself. That’s the biggest job you’ll ever have, and it’s been a very hard job hasn’t it?

You nod, as he nods with you

“Yeah, it has, but you don’t have to do it alone anymore. I want to provide for you. I want to take care of you. You’re my girl, you deserve so much and as long as I’m with you, I will try every day, every hour, every second or minute, to make sure you know how loved, how great and how amazing you are. How great and amazing you’re doing for yourself and for me. How strong you are”—

—“im tired of having being strong all the time”, interrupting him

“I know you are. You are so strong for being on this earth, even when you don’t want to be. I wouldn’t ask for anybody else, you’re it for me always. Will you continue to let me try to make it better for you every day? To take care of you?”, he squats in front of you, cupping your wet cheeks, kissing your forehead

“But Stevie.. you know you’re getting your own hopes up because nothing you do helps either and I feel like a piece of shit for saying that because”—

“I know what you mean, you don’t have to be sorry. I understand you may not have hope but I do. All my Hope goes towards you and it always will. You are the most important thing in my life. I’m not gonna give up on you, on me or on us, ok sunshine?”

..”okay”, you repeat rubbing your temples

“Head hurt, darling?”

“yes”

“From crying too hard?”

You nod, looking away in shame, “It’s okay, I’ll get your Migrane cap from the freezer and i’ll set your pillows up how you like, just sit tight”, he says it standing then pausing at the doorway, looking over his shoulder, “I love you”

“luv you—

“Hmm? What was that, I couldn’t hear you” he exclaims

“I said love you gosh.. shut up”, you barely crack a smile

That was enough to get him through the rest of the night.

[thetoaddaddy]

I dont think i ever really explained why I like the idea of Jiraiya living a more troubled/neglected childhood. Honestly I just like the juxtaposition of the rich girl from the most influential family, the tragic orphan full of resentment, and the white trash hick from the slums.

Have I hooked you? Long sorta in this essay I will type of explanation of my reasoning post. Trimmed so you don’t have to suffer through scrolling a big long post unless you volunteer to it. And I welcome reblogs with your own thoughts added to it or comments. I like having these kinds of discussions.

It makes for a fun dynamic and puts together three very different social classes that make up the Sannin and the most common 3 classes of society. Tsunade has everything from money, social status and livin in the rich how dare the neighbours put up an extra twinkle light we’re contacting the police neighbourhood. Orochimaru lost his family but lives fairly okay being a ward of the Hokage/state plus as a genius kid with potential to end the war with his big fucken brain and lack of empathy he would most likely be treated more special. Jiraiya hiding his money in the floorboards of his room cuz he knows his parents will steal it to buy into their addictions and he’s well aware no one really expects him to be nothing more than a failure.

Plus we don’t have any characters who have a troubled relationship with their parents in this way. Yeah we got dead parents and asshole cold distant rich clan expectations parent tropes. But not too much on poor and abusive. Which is weird cuz its pretty common to be low income with some garbage parents. (Not to say that’s the case all the time of course) Nor do we see much for alcoholism or similar addictions just ruining a family. The most he ever speaks about his parents in canon is that they were civilians. Kinda cold imo. Like I get that most likely kishi figured no one cares that much from where Jiraiya came from but that throw away line had me thinking and this headcanon came out.

So it’s pretty poetic that Jiraiya grew up full Glass Castle from a nothing neglectful civilian family and made something of himself with his own determination rather than being crutched with clan powers or high blood relations. He’s a nobody who proved people wrong and grew beyond his upbringing. His life we see on screen has always been pretty born under an unlucky star/he had to claw his way for anything he’s wanted and nothing was ever given to him. So it makes sense to me anyways that his early life was just as claw his way out from falling off the face of the earth. He could have just picked the easy way and not rise above being some drunk gutter rat that is just a direct product of his upbringing. But he focused on trying to get out rather than keep the cycle going. He picked the academy and proved he was not just above the curve but the grit he already had from surviving his broken home made for a determined courageous motherfucker. With that he became rich and renowned. All on his own.

I think that gives him more interesting motivation than the canon basically being ‘on my quest for pussy brb🏃‍♂️’ Like damn can we please uncreepy him kishi i stg. And I like to ignore his railroaded prophecy ass I must find my destiny stuff. That ruins his accomplishments. Honestly as a fairly empathetic person who grew up poor and hungry why wouldn’t he take pity on three war orphans and try to do good by them where he was never given that comfort? It’s far more compelling and interesting story than some crazy old toad told me to do it and I took those words so fucking literally it led the rest of my life.

I like to imagine he’s simply more wayward and never felt satisfied staying put(especially with all the horrible memories Konoha gives him). It also makes more sense for him to have this kind of chip on his shoulder over being some average guy who had an average upbringing. He can handle himself not just in battles but in dealing with the more uncomfortable situations like traveling through poor areas with the know how.

Like he knows how to speak crackhead and the slum folk clock him as one of their own. I wouldn’t call it street cred or anything. He just has the street smarts beyond that of an average person and it shows. Plus in some verses I like to think he travels hoping to find love as well. Can’t find one’s soulmate staying put in a village can they? ;)

Not every character has to be tragic I know. And this is just what I think. You don’t have to agree with me or accept my interpretations. He could have easily just brushed off the subject cuz he keeps people at an arms length. Which he does for the most part.

But I feel like with the Sannin era we were left with such well cooked and seasoned snippets that it became kinda frustrating that the rest was kinda undercooked or plain still in the damn deep freeze. So we get brain zoomies and try to fill in the big ass gaps. I want to know how three of the most interesting and important ninja of the shinobi world grew up. It’s fun to imagine and make these types of interpretations. Even if it is answered one day in a mini series or a book, I’ll still probably prefer what I and my moots cooked up. Cuz honestly we put more care and deep thought into these characters than kishi does at this point 😭

[life-winners-liveblog]

Oh Pearl you should listen to Rises the moon or Anarchy by Egg

know Rises the moon isnt made by egg, but they've made a cover of it and I love Egg and her music is just so comfy and beautiful and omy goooooooood

Oh you should also listen to Cynical Fairytale, by Egg, I think you'd like it :D

And and and oH MY GOD YOU SHOUDL TOTALLY LISTEN TO MASICHISM TANGO!! Its such a bop, honestly its completely different from Eggs music, but its so good

If you want sad music then I reccomned No children by The Mountain Goats, cus its sad and sad and very nice. Also for the sad vibes I deserve to bleed by Sushi Soucy, which Im glad I dont relate to as much, but still its such a bop

For some musical music, all of Les Mis, Candy Store from heathers, Show me your hands from The guy who didnt like musicals, and probably lots more but those are what i have from the top of my head

If u like romancy songs I recommend uh, hm wait I just gotta remember some actual romancy songs

Okay so my brain has a hard time deciding what to categorise as a romancy song, ig Anarchy, but I dont see it as a romance song so idono

Also just lots of Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody, Dont stop me now, Loverboy, oh yeah thats a love song yes, and Killer Queen

OOOOOH and how could I forget all the metal covers of Worlds end valentine, theyre so fuckings cool, all of them

Oh and also lots of Toby Fox and Omori music in general

Okay I've been rambling, I love music so much like omy god music is so fun, and omy god i love talking about my favorite music (as you've probably figured out)

9.2

(Also note to Author, I hope its not too annoying that i wrote so much about music haha)

(Rises the moon-covered by Egg)

Pearl: It's very slow, It's like a lullaby... very calming...

Scott: Yeah, It's nice. Really like the high notes especially.

Grian: It's nostalic. Reminds me of the nights back in the desert... It's familiar.

~~~~~~~~

(Masochism Tango)

Pearl: This is a whole different vibe.

Scott: A VERY different vibe.

Grian: When I saw the name I tought of Tango... could you imagine him singing this?

Pearl: Nah not really, thats not really his vibe... its more of a Scar song.

Grian:... That is... true.

~~~~~~~~

(No children)

Scott: That "I hope you die, I hope we both die" hit me like a truck. I didn't expect it at all.

Pearl: I am sure if I knew this song back in Double life I would have sung it to my Scott.

Grian:... It's really bitter-sad... i don't like it.

Pearl: What?! It's so good!

Grian: I just... don't...Am I not allowed likes and dislikes?

Pearl: ... to each their own tastes I guess.

~~~~~~~~

(Candy store)

Grian: Now this, this is great!!

Scott: I like the rythm but the lyrics are a bit-

Grian: Shhh- 🎶Honey whatchu waiting foor? 🎵Welcome to my candy store! 🎶Time to prove you are not a loser anymore, welcome to my candy store!🎵

Pearl: He's really into it isn't he?

Scott: sure looks like it.

~~~~~~~~

(Bohemian Rapsody)

Scott: Is this another slow song? It's nice, kinda sad, but- well nevermind the tempo changed completely.-

Pearl: Galileo🎶, Galileo🎵, Galileo🎶, Galileo🎵 Galileo Figaro. This is fun.

LimL!Jimmy:... *Murmurs* He is just a poor boy nobody loves him.

Grian: Jimmy?!? How long have you been here?

LimL!Jimmy: Since you sang about candy stores.

Grian: Ah.

~~~~~~~~

(Worlds End Valentine-metal cover)

Scott: I like it ... Jimmy seems to be completely entranced.

Grian: Yeah It's nice enough.

LimL!Jimmy: That was great!!

Pearl: We know, you were focused entirely on it like your unlife depended on it.

~~~~~~~~

Scott: Omori? I am pretty sure It's a game on our laptop, do you whispers think we should try it?

(Also I don't mind the music stuff :D)

(Also, also, wanted Martyn to be there but I find it unlikely he would have accepted so I didn't)

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

so this here is auggie: semi finalized!!! halliwell's... probably? not going to be his last name but i had no clue what surname to give him so its acting as a stand in aaa

so this is the blorbo. the new bsd oc i have been working on. from the fanfic i am Struggling with. same guy from the Art a while ago. august (i like the month okay) whatever last name i decide on at a later date.

notes!

his ability is called lucy locket! i actually came up with the ability's function first, and then i found that it fit pretty well. basically its a pocket dimension accessed via the users pockets. so far it has infinite storage, but whatever is added or removed at the present moment has to have been able to fit in the pocket originally. so you cant add/remove a large waterbottle from tiny jean pockets, for example. i like to think it only works when august himself pulls something out or puts something in. so. yknow. "not a penny was there in it, only ribbon round it". hehe

hes 25 because as much as a harp on bsd i also suck with ages so i rng-ed a number between 21 and 27 chcbdj

his birthday is june 21st! stole that from james orchard halliwell (see where that came from now) phillipps, bc he was the first to record the nursery rhyme. i also think him being born on the summer solstice in june but being named august is soo funny.

forgot to add it in correctly but his height is 5'8! that's about 173 cm? i think? i rounded it up technically its only like. 172.72?

168??? pounds??? which is apparently like 76kg? look i have no clue how weights work either i just took my own weight looked up the average for an adult and made something up. dont expect it to make sense.

bloodtype is a! i thought it was weird that the blood types were mentioned at all in the character bios but then i remembered the whole stereotype thing so i just picked whatever i thought fit.

he likes goldfish (hence the socks and earrings), rice (its rice), and hats (because they are so neat)! i was thinking about funny sock patterns and then i was looking at the wiki page for catherine maria fischer (the supposed kitty fisher in the nursery rhyme) and one of her paintings had a fishbowl in it. and then i thought about yoimiya because i had been drawing her before and. yknow. he definitely does has a small hat collection, but he'd rather them not be damaged at work. theyre saved for parties and formal gatherings!

dislikes are long explanations, pollen (allergy 😔), and unpleasant textures (like bedsheets that give you the Feeling when you scratch them). he likes it when people get to the point, and im projecting my own sensory issues onto him hxjsj

moving on we have design notes!

so here's our boy.

starting with the shirt, its actually based on one of the shirts i own. it's got the solid torso and the loose sheer sleeves, and i thought that was neat! though for him i think the sleeves would be a bit more opaque, and he's wearing a vest!

as for the tie you can see i noted that it's a bit of a cross between a criss cross tie and like... a sailor tie? i know it says bolo but thats because the word i was looking for was Tie Brooch for the pendant in the middle.

the cargo shorts!!! so obviously to best use his ability august needs something with rather large pockets, but i didn't know how to add those in. initially i wanted to go with some tights or normal slacks and have him wear a hoodie, but it was kind of... eh? so i tried cargo pants but those didn't work either. so then i tried on shorts and i Realized what needed to be done fhdjjws

knee high socks! i asked what how silly we should get with them and eni said knee highs and nobody said ankle with silly patterns so i combined the two! i think the combination is really funny.

the shoes! theyre just sneakers. comfy!

moving on

i dont actually like this doodle but we're gonna have to bear with it augu

the earrings! theyre little fishies! initially i had different earrings planned but i wanted the fish socks to match with something hdhdhdh

hair tie! august has got the rest of his hair tied up with a little bow. i think its cute bfbdbd

and so you can see what i meant, here's the page of concepts i did!

you can see the cargo pants, the hoodie, as well as the old earring design. i was playing around with the sleeves for a while xhdhhs

plus i got silly with one so maybe ill do smth with that at some point idk idk

[qourmet]

for All intents and purposes, 90% of anything that i say do or create for the birthers of the canon mdzs generation are either speculative or headcanons. idk if i'm going to Stop with the lan & jiang sects or if i'm going to go all out & include the nie, jin & wen sects & all their affiliates, & really the only characters i Truly Want to draw are the last Nie clan leader & his 2 wives & lan furen. Clan Leader Nie is slowly giving me uzui tengen vibes, if for no other reason than I Like to Think that Nie Huaisang's Mother is a crybaby like Suma & Mingjue's mother like hinatsuru

all that being said, i'm gonna log some headcanons

Wei Changze is an unfortunate only child, though there's a high chance that he's milk-brothers with Fengmian. wcz's only living relative is his mother, a small woman with no spiritual power to speak of who is nervous in the presence of men. the wei family in general is Small, & any extended family that still lives are so estranged from wei changze and his mother that they may as well not exist at all. while the jiang family was well-off and in no need of any new servants, a young man came by some few decades ago and bartered his sister off to the family in exchange for money and some supplies for travel. the then-clan leader took pity on the woman being sold off by her own flesh and blood and let her work for them, but within a month it became obvious that the reason her brother didn't want her was because they were going to happen on another mouth to feed and no man to claim a bastard. despite her reservation towards men, wei changze grows into the type of person who's unreasonably gentle with his own mother and he's one of the extremely few men that can exist in the same room as her alone without her breaking into an awful fit of trembling. his mother ends up being one of the midwives that helps bring jiang fengmian into the world.

knowing that she was raised on a Celestial mountain under an immortal, & knowing that xiao xingchen's name has multiple instances of the Sun radical in it, i have hcs that cssr's Name has moon radicals in it. i've tried thinking for sun & stars but i dont like it so the yue radical is in there, most likely under Radiant. she's a feral child, less in the sense of being a creature that acts impulsively and lashes out, and more in the sense that she just refuses to be tamed, by her master, by the sects, by the world at large. she's living life & enjoying it, "ain't nothin gonna break my stride, nobody gonna slow me down" kinda girl. she's level headed, very much likes to think things through, but she knows definitively what she does not want.

fengmian has an instant crush on jiejie, though to be wholly fair cssr descended on them like a celestial being herself to wreak havoc on lqr Immediately. wcz is enamored, but knowing he has no hope and lives with expectations of finding a nice subservient wife to fulfill his nice subservient life, he makes no move towards her & instead enjoys the light that jfm's eyes give.

cssr doesn't see the jiang disciples again for another year at Least, after the cloud-recesses incident that ends with her yanking Qiren's goatee out. she spends time in each sect as she wanders around, making friends in each one and by the time she's around yunmeng, her closest companion currently being the nie heir. like a boy in love, fengmian is intent on spending as much time as he can with her, learning her quirks and likes and dislikes, and she can see clearly that he's looking at her with rose-tinted glasses but makes no move or indication that she's intent on returning the feelings, mostly because she's not interested in him but also the idea of being a sect-leader's Wife, a position that would put her in the very proximity of the politics her master held such disdain for, was wholly unappealing

nie zhongzu was a trailblazer. he was very much a man who did not care of other people's opinions and very blatantly lived in a righteous way. if he wanted to do something that didn't affect the people around him in any direct way, he'd do it (like promoting a concubine to the status of Wife when doing so was highly frowned upon). he'd be a himbo if it weren't for the fact that he was a master of the 5 arts, extremely well read and the heir to a clan knee deep in sect politics raised with the expectation of taking this mantel. that aside i like to think he had sisters that carried that big beefy nie blood.

nie furen was a tall woman, her husband was just taller. the man was built like mingjue, a bull. she gives off willow-tree vibes, is probably a strong cultivator, collected in nature and relatively subservient. she doesn't want for much and has accepted her roll in being the political tie to the nies and behaves accordingly. really the only person that can make nie furen flustered is her husband's concubine, and not even in the competitive way. nie furen is gay & she enjoys huaisang's mother Very much as both company and eye candy.

concubine xiao laopo is nie zhongzu's childhood friend. well really she's one of the nie servants that got promoted to concubine after nie zhongzhu announced that he was going to marry her when they were children and the elders rushed to put a stop to his insanity. she's not a cultivator, and because she's not, she doesn't have much of an eye for either the education they receive nor a true understanding of the work they perform outside of "important" & "helpful to all" & "spiritual." that being said, her heart is still moved by whatever arts are presented to her. she's bubbly and quick to make friends with nie furen when the furen is married into the clan, and takes solace in the idea that their husband is a pretty open-minded man to bypass any shame she would otherwise feel behaving towards the recognized wife of the nie clan. xlp has an equal interest in men and women and was Probably present when nmj was conceived. i wanna name her Bu but i feel like thats too on the nose for the Me who recently got into cdramas

wen-sibling parents have the classic shounen + love interest dynamic, borderline main character & his tsun girl who berates him for his recklessness, except roll reversed. their mom is a physically strong woman, tall, wonderful cultivator, probably only shorter than nie-zhongzhu ((honestly she herself might be a nie descendant)). she's a bit on the stoic side and pretty headstrong, meanwhile their dad is a relatively small man who constantly gets into spats with his wife because she'll often have another wound that needs tending to whenever she comes back from hunts. he's Technically a cultivator, but no notably strong golden core and rather spends his time studying the flow of qi & how to best clear blockages in meridians. honestly before they're even married it's highly speculated that she gets hurt just to be doted on. she'll bite back but let him win arguments, and on distant night hunts she'll bring him back bushels of herbs that can't be found in qishan. more often than not she won't present them with any fanfare, but rather just leave them in a place he can find. they're awkward around each other before marriage & argue for the sake of filling white noise afterwards.

wen daifu is wen ruohan's third cousin. he doesn't wear his hair with any real embellishments or guans that denote status in the clan or even allude to his affiliation with the clan, despite the fact that his robes would give it away regardless. he has a gnarly scar on his body courtesy of the main family's children, and is often bullied onto nighthunts with them because he is the best practicing doctor of their generation. despite being brought on as a healer for the longer nighthunts and ruohan taking special interest on keeping his cousin by his side, wen daifu is pretty adamant about healing anyone from any sect that is injured in front of him. he's not taller than 5'7"/170cm, but his curt and clear way of speaking makes up for any attention he'd fail to garner just by existing.

wen ruohan is the middle of 3 boys and quite fond of playing weiqi. his older brother has no patience for sitting and playing board games with his younger brother, being a relatively active kid that enjoys pushing his weight around with other cultivators from his generation. his younger brother is half his age and takes a great deal of satisfaction in imitating their eldest brother but still looks to ruohan for approval. despite his attempts at imitating the eldest son, the youngest brother often finds himself on the receiving end of his peer's fists whenever their squabbles get out of hand. despite his penchant for being all-smiles, ruohan is fond of neither brother.

jin guangshan is the only boy in a family of daughters. all of the jin children are spoiled, and many of his older sisters made it a point to spoil him rotten. his father being elated that they finally have a boy to inherit the clan dotes on him and gives his boy anything he asks for, pardons any misgivings, and creates an environment that caters to his son's every whim. when he meets his future wife at the behest of his parents, his response is lackluster and despite being a beautiful boy, crushes her hopes with the weird faces he makes in response to being introduced to her.

qingheng-jun is every bit as quiet and intimidating as his youngest son grows up to be. he's a leader that gives off a cold and impenetrable aura that makes it extremely difficult for anyone to challenge his logic as sect-leader-to-be, but really quite enjoys it when someone is bold enough to challenge him. he's not the Most expressive person, but he is more than wangji. he just finds that there's not much worth having an expression over, certainly not in excess, and is adept at handling his tasks with the same grace his eldest will exude.

lan furen is a non-cultivator who was raised on horseback, traveling between the central plateaus and the eastern oceanfront. she's adept at living off of the land and while she isn't an inherently kind or social woman, it's easy to see that her heart lies calmest racing across the continent under the wide expanse of sky. she's an excellent marksman and roams with a band of for-hire escorts that keep cargo and people from harm on long treks. despite being a non-cultivator, she probably has the budding of a strong golden core that just isn't focused on in her daily life.

yu ziyuan is a girl about as demur as any other when she's sent to yunmeng jiang as a means of formal introduction to jiang fengmian. she's doll-like in both appearance and personality, but her chaperone comes with gifts from meishan yu to help push along the betrothal process. the gifts in question are resources forged through meishan yu, crystals refined in such a way that can react to and absorb spiritual power, much like how zidian functions. her meeting with cssr turns her bitter towards the prospect of marrying jfm but she is too proud and too filial to let feelings disrupt the process of their betrothal.

[vendetta-if]

💠💠

hey I'm just loving the story so so much and that scene with Yvette was *chefs kiss*...sorry this will probably be a long rant its just the things you've made me feel 😩😔...if I could read the entire story right now I'd sell a kidney 😂

I'm hoping we can have more conversations with Yvette like we did to really dive into her character, thoughts and feelings especially towards our MC...I usually have a hard time with her character because it always seems like she doesn't really regret what she did as much and seems more like she's approached MC and doing what she's doing mostly, if not solely, because she feels cornered and not as someone that also regrets their decisions and wishes to repair the relationship they DONT have with their child...I know she can feel both those and they can be her motivations, but it just feels like she's driven by the former and not the latter..so I'm looking forward to our interactions with her and if there will be options to let MCs frustrations, sadness, anger and longing bare before her I will...I'd be open to making amends but she has to know and feel everything her absence put MC through and my MC needs to see her genuinely, proactively and consistently care for them before they consider thinking of them as their mother again, nobody can top papa Vic 😂 he set the damn bar too high but if she can put half as much effort hey then we're getting somewhere...

And i have to say, your characters as well are so well written and realistic and raw that I get so engrossed in every little thing they do and I can't help but feel that they're real people with real scars, issues, hopes, dreams, problems and aspirations and relate with them...because I understand Yvettes thought process its like 'I've come too far to look back now' and she feels like she can't let go of everything she built because it would sort of make all her sacrifices meaningless or she may feel she doesn't deserve too and I think she did mention something like that but I wonder if she knows that hurts my MC more 😭😭

Anyway for an ask i wondering what Yvettes fears and or regrets are 'if they're not spoiler' are towards MC and the relationship between the both of them especially because Yvette is asking them to hunt the man that killed her former lover and father of her child 😅...especially if its a vengeful 'I WILL STOP YOU EVEN IF IT KILLS ME' MC...do they fear losing MC like they did Victor or has that not crossed their mind

Sorry it got pretty long but before i vanish I just want to encourage you and say you're awesome and stay blessed!!! its probably not easy making your content and living your life irl but you do it anyways and for that we are more than grateful 🙏

💠💠

Thank you so much for the kind words 🥰🙏 And I’m glad you’re loving the characters and feel like they’re realistic 🥺🥺 Also, don’t worry about sending this long ask, I love reading you guys’ reactions to the story ❤️ And, don’t sell your kidney for the story, the Morozovs don’t deal in organ trafficking 😆

So, about Yvette, yes, MC will have an optional chance to do a little hang out session with Yvette in the future where they’ll be able to have another conversation with her ☺️

Also, I love how readers interpret the talk with Yvette a little bit differently from each other. Some readily accept her apology and see it as sincere regret, while some, like you, are more skeptical and don’t readily forgive her right away.

Right now, I planned to let those that don’t forgive her the first time to change their mind in the future if they want to. It’s not 100% guaranteed as all plans are subjects to change constantly , but I’d really love to include that.

As for your question, I’m actually not really sure what Yvette’s fears are in the context of her relationship with MC other than messing up her second chance if MC decides to forgive her and MC dying 🥺 She doesn’t really fear MC hating her per se, because it is what she has been believing and expected all these years.

And yes, the thought of losing MC has crossed her mind before, and you can actually see that in the Luka and Yvette Funeral Talk Side Story in case you haven’t checked it out. She would be devastated if MC died, she doesn’t want that. When she came to ask for MC’s help, she just expected MC to talk with Luka or Grandpa and basically just be on standby to help with sharing information about the underworld that’s needed and connecting the group to the Morozovs’ resources and connections, instead of MC actively participating and hunting down the killer 😔

[goetzjpvis]

2/9/24 "ZOM 100" JPT3702

With the first episode of Bucket list of the dead, it is expected that one would think the anime is about the toxicity of Japanese worklife culture. And to an extent, the first episode very much is- we see Akira Tendo's gradual descent into an uncomfortable life working at a black company, which is a reality that Japanese OL workers know all too well. It's no secret that their work life, social hierarchies, and leisure time are tightly restricted. Employees usually need to hang out with each other after work to the extent that they are not seen as social outcasts or losers. They are also made to work excruciating overtime often falling asleep or even sleeping at the company. Many employees, even women, are sexually harassed by their bosses with nobody to report to. And last but not least, employees are verbally harassed and abused by their bosses resulting in a high turnover/suicide rate.

When I lived in Japan, I enjoyed riding the subway to and from school every day. I also found the gates in front of the train itself endearing, because I thought it was Japan's considerate way of keeping their elderly, children, and unfortunate out of danger. Based on what I read online, these gates are actually meant to prevent suicide. At first, I was shocked, because the gate was not that high and easy to jump over. So naturally, I questioned its effectiveness. While watching the anime I realized it does stop people- the tired, zombie-like workers who stumble to and from work every day. It's easy to break the monotony of your life with a simple 3 steps forward, but not with a jump and a hop.

The show definitely did have a message (or rather an attempt at a message)- You can do whatever you want, and you should not submit to authority just because they are there. Rather, you should find somebody you trust or work for yourself. At the end of episode 7, Shizuka tells Akira that the future is open to endless possibilities and you can 'be whoever you want to be'. Which I believe to be the general theme of the show, freedom of choice.

Now, onto what I didn't like.......

Fanservice I found it funny that Akira's first love was a woman who was sexually abused by her company because the show immediately turns around and sexualizes her during her death scene- which is kinda redundant, no? The framing of the scenes in which female characters exist is often sexualized as well. There is no reason to add SWEAT BEADS to Shizuka's chest when they cannot even get the shading on her Jacket correct. The image below was like an 8 second still. I seriously laughed. Also, so many sexualized female zombies?? Even in death, women can't catch a break from horny animators. One last note: You might be inclined to argue that just because you can see an exposed part of a woman's body, she is not sexualized. And that is true! However with the framing of the scene, overabundance of BRA shots(!??!) and comments made specifically about female's bodies.... it's easy to see that the mangaka dont gaf....

2. A whole lot of nothing

in the sense that the show tried very hard to shove the *point* down your throat instead of letting you analyze and find it out yourselves... It's clear the author wants you to experience freedom of choice for a better life, but we only really get that through endless monologuing and the "bad" characters doing things that scream GRAHHHH I'M SO BADDDD!!! GRAHH

3. High-Key Unrealistic

My suspension of disbelief was affected greatly by company meetings still going on OUTSIDE during an apocalypse, Shizuka's dad immediately putting down her dog for no other reason than being the "bad guy", and still having electricity during an apocalypse, etc.

[cxyotl]

im just gonna say it tbh like. its been super discouraging posting my art and writing here. yeah i know i post dsmp shit in 2024 so i dont expect it to be high numbers or anything but when my posts consistently get zero notes, even though i know ppl still post dsmp art/fic, it kinda sucks.

i write and draw for myself, but i would also love if people saw and interacted with my things too yknow?? and despite prions being a huge passion project of mine it honestly feels like nobody cares and its like. then what is the point of posting anything if nobody sees it.

i dont expect anyone to fall in love w my stuff i just want it to be acknowledged. thats all.

[qumiiiquinnquin]

im wondering if my dad is unwilling to accept the fact that i will very likely be unable to drive in the future and now seems to think what i said about the eyechart at the dmv is some excuse to not drive, like im trying to get out of ever having to drive. he says my condition isn't unique and that he has met people with my exact same condition and says strabismus and nystagmus go hand in hand, so really lots of people have my same condition. he's pushing for doing anything that could possibly help my vision be better, like vision therapy. he wants to see my old eye surgeon, who could say if i need another surgery. apparently my optometrist is confident i can drive.

im honestly more worried about what could and/or would be done to my vision than driving. i dont want to feel sick. i dont want an even higher prescription when mine is already pretty high. i honestly dont want another surgery. i dont want to go through anything that would stress my eyes or strain my vision way more than i already have to on a daily basis (i need to strain my eyes just to see anything clearly). i dont want to do anything that could potentially make my vision worse.

i know he wants me to be independent. so i need to learn how to drive and be able to drive myself around. nobody can help me all the time and i can't expect anyone to, and some places ill have to go to are just too far away to walk. i need to get a job so i can pay to ride public transport, but that money will end up draining pretty quickly.

but i dont want to be put through stressful and rigorous vision stuff just so i can drive...if i cant drive, then there's nothing i can do about it.

i think i need to just accept my dad's idea and get over it. im going to be forced to start driving either way.

[ravenkinnie]

I really liked the nimona movie (mostly because I sometimes really really enjoy the turn off your brain movies and the characters were likeable enough) and a few themes spoke to me on a personal level HOWEVER that scene where the director kills the fake ambrosius was SOOO BAD FR!! I was watching it literally like wtf is going on in this house right now?

Overall it was a pretty stereotypical and predictable story. I honestly think without the queer characters it wouldn’t have blown up the way it did.

I think it would have worked better as a series so they could have fleshed out Nimona a lot more. The theme of loneliness/queerphobia and becoming a monster because other people didn’t give you a chance is pretty compelling on its own but the movie was way too short to deliver that on any level even close to atspv or arcane. (That said atspv did do it in a Movie so…)

That said I hope my one post where I called nimona, jinx, Gwen and toph (atla) lonely little trans girl didn’t contribute to your high expectations lol…though I’m almost sure you never saw that one 😂

Ok I’m done now. Sorry I just wanted to agree about the whole ambrosius scene but then I had more thoughts 😅

No need to answer (publically or at all) in case you dont want to invite any discourse

I would probably enjoy it more if I didn't find nimona so annoying and didn't have high expectations from people comparing it to spiderverse and stuff </3 i didn't see your post so you're safe but my mutuals who told me nimona wasn't an annoying child are on thin fucking ice

that scene was so bad me and my gf were sitting there silently just watching it because we couldn't believe this is what they chose to do like girl.... whole team and nobody watched this and said hey this is ass

I know it blew up because it's an animated movie with queer themes and people lole stevensons writing in general, plus the novel has a lot of fans but saying it's one of best animated movies of the year is being full on delulu like maybe if the last animated movie you watched was boss baby or sth. I know there was a lot of production issues so unsure what is the fault of that and what is just bad choices, I do think 2 hours would be perfectly fine to wrap up the storyline and themes they just chose to spend those two hours on dumb shit. it needed someone to tighten up the story and make it more coherent

[solardick]

Find in mind.

Cards died. Resurrect in time, perhaps.

How am i supposed to

Too smoking while im serrounded by an rntire army of assholes fucken with my exixtance? Whole reason i started smokign in the forst place.

Why you you all go take a picture of your shit in the toilet anf then you can frame it on the wall and impresses all yo friends with how proud you ste to take such a massive dhit.

Instead of trying tp prove how united spsrklings yurds are. Tou gonna come harrass me with another girl. And then rape me some

More?

Terrible on tarots part. It lost that time. No new cards.

So, i dont know what to write about the cards. Save that for temperance letter R and letter 3. Incrementally. They belong together. Pooring water down from the sky. Water is essential. Same is said upwards.

On the russian side of things here. Letter Я. Not to say a mirrored image. For both belong seperatively. Apart from one another. This chosen as Waites sun card, to designate the hilghly biased Letter Ii. Not to be mistaken as Ll. As i’ve seen the hermit. Here would show as The man toiling the feild. To promote the ideal of one with nature. Or yet, to give it to the blacksmith. The ideal, and toil to forge the tools of productivity. To forging the self. Both belong to dedication.

What card did i give letter Bb? In this system card letter Ff is exchanged for Bv. Foreign system. Bbv all get jumbled. To tarot it was… the high priestess. But i gave her to number 3. As letter Cc. Which has its own foreign connection to letter Cs. Which happens to be the devil.

Chew that one over a while.

There’s no equivalent to a mirrored B. Thats forbidden. Top tier shit. The gamers ot that level. Dont like if things dont run smooth.

The high priestess here, comes from foreign land. It’s once removed, literally. 3C. She pictorially becomes the field he’s plowing.

But it looks like they fosed ne again. May nog go to work tomiriw again. Be out of work and. Ack to suicide. Lije i an right now. Dorry i havevto ho foghg for my life now sgain. For the N-th year in a row

And nobody deserves having their entire lives owned by other people. So they can fuck with it at leasure.

But, i like my cards. Olmost time to veeto my legs again. I also like having hairless legs. Im not a hairy guy. But the legs always bothered me. Saw a guy sitting there waiting for his appoitment. Wearing shorts riding up his thies. I was like “ewe”. One of my favorite parts of being with a girl. All those 20 years ago. Was the legs. Soft, smooth, could go down there hickey up the inner thy. Another part was when their tops were removed and they were standing infront of you and all you could see in your feild of vission. Were their bare shoulders riding below rosy cheeks. Mhn.

But apparently. According to others. Im a gay bashing homophobe who throws cats agaisnt walls for fun. How can you be a homophobe when you spent the first 13 years of your life sucking on cock. While tour family plays dumb. And introduces you to bands like Korn. Before you even know what their singing about. Then you grow out of it. Realise whta the fuck your doing. And stop. But all thise years. Bred addiction to the only positive source of feel good brain chemicals. Then you fall off the wagon a couple times and get your entire life destroyed by stupid fucken retards. And then over 26 years later tour still being raped by assholes.

What you an alchoholophobe. Dont want to deink this vodka?! Lets poor it doen yo throat. Well. Not really. Doesnt really compare. But. You get the jist. But ehat do you expect from a society that sells poison on every street corner. One stop shop of gassoline, ornohraphy, sugar, alchohol and cigarettes, from a society that sell turd toys for young children. ….. every child matters right? Bunch of bs that is.

If i ever have a kid. Not likely. They arent going to know what i tv is until they get to highschool. No no no. You’re not going to be in this pot of spectrum disorder. Might as well remove the segregation completly and have bous and girls share the same public restrooms.

But, try and might to see what i can do with the cards. Firmly imprinting an image of the emperor save that its mostly associated to war and not good feeling things. Hardship and taxes. The alternative becomes better. Empress things. Merged with the priestess and the devil.

I woke up gin his morning. Why?

Wonder if they’re ever going to give Russia their land back. Its theirs. They gave it to ukraine. Umarine turned their back on them. And joined nato. So they want their land back.

And yes im still

Smoking. Cause im

Still

In prison.

But crawl back out. Until i get pushed back down. It just echoes. Repeat the same lines. Over because i want to but. The momentum is gone. And its hard to get started. Even without. And unfortunaelty all thats comingout is this sickly crap. And i wonder what the next phase of the plan is next week. How im going to be worked.

Save but, to continue on. Ss Cc Cs.

Let these three groupings, i would say, rest. In your mind. There is t other pairing to make with these. From two to three. Four still comes before. Whats already there. Doubles.

Four is a multiplication from three. For there is two ways to spell a number.

With out its symbol it has little trace. To speak of it with a foreign name.

Let me show you.

3

_______

Letter three is Cc. Because of the lack of symbols C plays a duel nature. To distinguish, in english Cc varies between Cs And Ck. Whereas C is soft K is sharp. In most cases K is replaced by C. And often K is silent. The letter is weakened by the unspoken and shares time with knowledge.

Letter three is also Bv to distinguish it from english. It isnt Bb. It belongs with two. Theres a little warping involved while pronouncing B and V to their similarity with three. And the letter C.

But Cs is more of a “Ts” sound. And is no where near three as it falls on number eleven. But it does accentuate two separate bodies. And is less divergent than the western counterpart.

Knowledge is power; power corrupts.

As for C and S. stands the virgin priestess. And the devil side by side. Below that perched is the english devil. And above the cartes des dammes etailla death card. A quaternity of feminine sexuality. Innocence tied to will and bondage.

There is also another pairing with the empress card who from the foundation up serves for number three. This also changed position with the qwerty system, from a lack for what to call it, and was given to letter D. Its equivalent is Д, which starts one basic word that forms close to the heart. Дом. Home. Its certainly more comforting written in the russian set than it is in english. It was given to the throne. Domicile. Dominion. Domination. Damnation if its built upon the fool.

The D is set to symbolize the womb. From where life comes. The physicality of presence. Substance, with form. Its a living world. Not mechanical.

And the game is all

About unlocking yo chi.

Had a couple visitors this weekend. A cat and a ferret. Exploring my appartment. Well their about to innitiate another hit on me. We’ll see what it is.

So i may as well go

Get a pack of smokes. Going on 40 consistent ywars of being hit like this. Taking other peoples punishments. That they deserve on top of everything fun dun.

Uh, all that came up was casually mentioning boogus sexyal harrasment charges. No gay dhit. Surprised. Eow.

So in this image of temperance and the land. She has no place as of yet in my deck. Not the one i’m working on. She should belong somewhere in there. Attention is still drawn to card letter Я. The farmer in his field, surrounded by golden wheat. Hat’s off, for more sun. … though, like already before, the blacksmith gives light to the industrial. To strength, and formation. It just doesnt fit well with the above. You want something harmonious to see. Something that brings all the cards together. In a way that surpasses the attention.

Hey the cats back. Male, tiger striped.

Maybe, the man, with his straw hat, holding a hammer. In the feild. “What you doing with a hammer way out here, old man?”

What indeed son….

Something like this. And not to remember that Я stands for I. They mean the same thing. Every letter that has room for an I. Put it. Its fun to consider card letter 3 has no I. B does. D, E, F, H, K, L, M, N, P, R, T, Y is debatable. Not really a full I. M and N are partial. Sometimes slanted. But curios if to use this. On the matter of the Tower card letter Б, and card letter 3. If card letter B isnt present. Another messages speaks out here. A tower in the field. Worth to think about.

So card letter 3 is on number 9. Which also inextricably links card number 3 to card letter 3. Seeing how they share the same symbol. So at wall-value the two are interchangeable. It’s by layer that they differentiate. The interchangeability. Still there, weaker because it’s been diluted. This created 3 separate images but, two separate pathways.

The two three’s are also a single three squared. This number being nine. The midpoint obviously six. Perhaps that why six is an image of lovers. And the letter H. With its similarity to sex. Vowels aren’t counted in tarot. There is no card letter Ii or Ee. Its just SX. Card letter S is the devil. And card letter X is another image of boy meets girl. Or Crowley’s. Rim job. Though also taken with freedom, innocence and exuberance. This is not something taught.

I dint like this feeling? Is it going to go away? And stop calling me jack sparrow. I dont have a compass. Fuck off. The only thing im learning in life is the conditioning tgat degenrates entire populaces. Understanding how it works. And why it works.

Russia invades canda. Im joining their side. And ill sell ouy every mother fucker i know. Well i should say father fucker. Because we need political correctness after all.

Curse words do curse. you are what you speak. Ну, is this course it’s written. The written word is interresting compare to the spoken word. In this instance,

It’s negation to the male figure. Mother, fTher. Odd type O. Turns of phrases make a whole lot more sense. When the symbol what represents the letter carries with it a wonder. At the arrangement. What’s it mean?

Odd. Type. O. Is such a phrase.

….i’m not that high, . Why^

I created love again. It’s out there. A single unity. My effects are powerful. Always were. There’s strength there. Not much of a life. It will grow. Never lasting. On the letter N, here, suits the french strength. As in no is a fundamental word. If i were to create its own separate card. The Гг asian dragon. Will glide a-coiled the empress. For in all affect it is taught to treat with dignity.

https://youtube.com/shorts/eAXGSMARcCk?si=EBmC-QXZiZ9EatnM

But not that i’ve been forced and raped into a queer. I better get hooked up with a guy or two. Cause sex is all i care about now nothing else matters. Im just here to be fucked. Born and bred to be a subordinate punished every moment i stepped out of line to talk with a girl. And all i got to do is take these pills once an evening. For two days everyother couple of days. And ill take a massive shit that will completely empty my bowels and keep me loose. And they’ll weaken my muscles. So i wont be as strong. And people can continue laughing at me, and doing cruel things to me. Its been that way since childhood. Im used to it. My enyire existance has been nothing but people fuckein with me. Somce my forst memories. I even got eiple making fun of me if i stand up straight instead of slouching.

I live in a gay abusive idiocracy and i dont want ot be alive anymore. .

Hey its labour day. Eveything is closed except for the poison dispensaries. Evil never sleeps. You may always have the opertunity to

Smoke amd get drunk. I have no will to live my life anymorw. Choice is removed. At a certain length. Of all the years of set ups and negative relations. Druggings, manipulations, and conditioning. Does t really make it a free will choice. While no one tells you, all play to ulterior motives. Not letting you in on them. And half of them are sexists fucktards. Laughing at you. But you cry a bitch if it was turned on them.

Its pure queer for me. There’s no bi, there’s no gay. Its just queer. May as well have tits and a vagina. But, i have a masculine athletic build and the “persona” to match. Always paired to some “superior force” outside of me in the form of another person or an entire community. Bedroom with a spychotic abusive older brother from where ive been beaten on for being beaten on.

A magical golden aura toyroom. Al it takes to reach the bottem is being puched down them so you can roll like a ball and hit the wall at the bottem. That right there. Is all you need to know about me. Because thats all its ever been.

Ill start training myself how to be queer. Start watching japenese anime. Well until rhis shit wears off and i can go back to being me again.

I want to be in the abisive side of life. And rape people into suicide. Then i could feel like im

Part of the comunity. Makinng life a better place for everybody. Maybe i could turn a bunch of eomen into lesbians with my toxic feminity. Then they be willing to fuck me with their metaphorical dick. They already done a miraculous power at degenerating society into based driven pervets.

But society does run off, have its language basis from slavery. Generations of enslavement unti the people developed their own identity and form of communication based of submissive habits.

All these years of conditioning and manipulations to turn me into a queer. All those years list on the defendive insread of growing and learning hhow and building a life for myself. All thet development lost to other people. Obsessed with me.

Maybe go yo the gym. Start working out. See a teainer. See if they can help with certain joints and tissue. Doing posuture and diaphragm exorcizes. And some degen fuck tard was talkign smack behind my back. Like i dont have that extra sense. Not to know. Because i was standing up tall. And my chest wasnt as sunken.

Made fun of and picked on for showing masculine. Get fag bashed and heyerobashed by everyone. Byt thats just me for being born. Get manhaddled and shipeed around like im not a person. Always ben a product of other people projections. And most of them. The majority of it all is negative. And people actually rhink that if they keep their thoughts in their head. No one can hear them. Or that their actually good actors. Cause they suck. And should watch more tv.

Its easy alot of the time to tell if someone is being themselves are not. Aadly to say most of the gay people ive been i troduced to. Are all aliens in their own skin. Cause they live a lie. There a taint looming over them. Passing through them. And its revolting. Because they are not. Save for society and all the conditioning and pressures and the sexualization of symbols. And it mKes me feel bad. Pity. Speaking of which then you have the fully emasculate with the bestie girlfriend filling there intents and motivations with friendly feminine support agaist their own better judgement. Some of these guys are brilliant. Caught listening to the dark externalized feminine sins. Affecting the morality or ethicallity of theire decisions.

I was gaming with such a couple. And he was all like. But i shouldn’t cause it’ll be intrusive or etropic to them. Meanign the girl is like. No, nonits alright. They don’t mind. And i was like. Ih yeah i do. He’s right. Amd your an idiot. And then they mive on away from the friend and the nagotive feminine. Addopt the best of it. Find a dmoninate male and have mind blowing anal sex for the rest of their days. One less good man making the world a better place.

But good job getting my mother into it. Now when ever i see her abusive ugly face,i’ll go watch a family oriented film or something. With a good mother “archetype” and good family values. To help save on the degeneracy of my constant conditioning. She always wanted a girl. No she has one. She should leave me the fuck alone. Too busy living in her fantasy land and her memories to pay any attention to her children. Whoch is what she should hav ebeen doing instead of being present but absent. Or beating on me or throwing a bipolar double fire fit everytime if it involved my person.

Now excuse me in my fantasies of the ideal mother and family while being raped into suicide. And repress the hatred to bury everysingle One of you with out conscience or mercy. Which also means the absnece of cruelty. Whoch is a sing of dovinity in this world.

Purge the fucken demon.

An impossible task in hell.

Fuck love. Born again.

Though i do wonder if the next step, if this one doesnt work. Is to kidnap and rape me everyday until i like it.

Meh, ive came further.

Everytime ive jerked off, which is alot, i hit the wall on the other side of the room.

Damned, that ass. You guys are luvky get to stair at that all day. If it were me. Id take iher in the back every 5 mins and pump her full of baby girls thta look just like her. And the world would be a better place for.

But i aint 8 years ild anymore. Dont have the drive like i used to.

Thats not good hash thats bad hash. But ill smoke it anyway. Maybe it’ll turn me into a queer agajn for a fee hours. Its harsh, burns black and tastes and smells like a dollar street dealer. Ive smoked enough laced weeed in my days. Some

Of the shit they put in it. I som’t even want to know. When you take a small little puff and blackout. You know its good shit. Maybe itll make me unstable and ill get raped again.

I need to kill myself.

Wonder who my boyfriend is gonna be. Hope he’s like 6ft, exercises, hung and wealthy. If im gonna be a bitch than i want to be well off. And not need to work. And do art and study cards game and stuff instead I won’t have to deal with anyone and i wont have to deal with everything on my own. It just be me and him. And anyone else he decided to bring. Cus id be open to that. You take care of all the life stuff because im eas never allowed to learn how to live. An dill take care of the hime stuff. Id hate the world too much to leave the house anyway. As ling as i get my ass fucked into a spasm seizure fit unable to even moan. Because all that matters in life is pleasure. People dont need to feel

Like thye beling anywere and its not like they need people to be able to

Have healthy lives. If all that can be replaced by a dick. Then who am i to argue. I was born to be owned anyway. Always at the mercy of other people and how i get treated. I was never ment to feel human.not like i have a single social connection that doesnt play me this way. All

People have ever dome is fick eoth me. And i dont eant to be alive anymore. 40’urars later i still don’t know what it is to trust somebody.

Ugh. It wore off. I still got some more.

I need a new job. G luvk fimding one. Meet a new group to fuck with me.

So hurry up and send me a guy so i can blow him in my appartment and get it recorded on video for everyone. I have enough experience of it that it destroyed my life. So lets go back and satisfy everyones evil over me. And then you can all smile and laugh and feel superior to me. It’s all ive ever known anyway.

When i asked her for her number, even though, i kmow, after like the 6th time or so being friendly. Ahe started spazzing out. Looking for an excuse but couldnt settle on ine and/or form one on the spot. “Yeah, i can see your uncomfortable. Ya,” walk away.

Too bad they manipulated my physiology into be queer now. The only thing i have to do is unravel all the bs. Oh that what, this that. Its terribly depressing. Im going to go play with my ass now. It kinda feels like massaging your esophagus with a dick. Nothing worth wild. Maybe hurt to swallow for a while.

Well its virgo season so its all about the moon. Some crazy ass far off unavailable, violent and severe moon up in with the fishes of peace and space vibes. If their not a fucken spychopath.

Mothe rplayed with my ass one day. Too focused on my bowels movements then what i was actually doing. Heres a little enema go take a shit. No, no dont force. Let it come out naturally. Like a fountain or some shit. If there wasnt soap going into my mouth, she was popping my pimples. The cakes were good though. Thats pretty much it. But i can go on at quite a length with this. Formulated it all together over thr last few years. I want to beleive that that is the reason why i got raped but, its not. Theres plenty before. Dtop talking jow. Ok. Theres been nothing to hold on to for iver 25 years. Just in the ocean. Being beaten wvery where i go. All these years. Fucken sadistic fucken cocksuckers man.

I glad ive never been able to hold that kind of mentality. Its alien to me. Its way done there pilled all inder less relevant stuff. See? Did i puzzle you? Exactly. Its puzzling. ….” I cry, when angels deserve to die.” Wake up, grab a little makeup….

I hate that words matter. Sentimentality. Spit on it some more. All i do is breed evil. And feed the ines who already are. Its always been that way. Thats just life. Great, your life advice is to shot myself. Fantatic mom. And no i got a while army of women just like you. I dont need you no more.

They all play pretend, they all far away, off in there own little grand worlds of the known, and none of them talk to me either. And they usually have some pre planned thing and nothing is ever organic. No spontaneity, no life. Staring at me at a distince making decisions for my life for me. And, deflect everything. I just font’t know if they own up to it.

My little puppets. Its my power i own it. , never got the what to lead up to this point till now. Tried, failed, fucked with. Doesnt lead much place for development. Always on the defensive on the will. To exorsize evil over being like hey man. Ehats up? Nope. How can i help. Youd figure after all theose hundreds of people. One would. Nope.

I’s hate to say this but, you all suck.

The minute associations from growing up in this retard culture. Interconnectivity. Flow by aspciation. Rippling through your brain. I dont even need to say it cause you already know. Most people say “meh” coincidence or unimportant. Because its dcares them.

I dont think im surviving much longer. Theres no point to life.

Wow, i learn from her. Thise fee short moments of social. Even though its all set up, the back and forth. Ive been a trying to get that for years. Like the feedback loop effect. Ive been deprived of that for so long. Im bately alive anymore.

But im just here to be beaten and manipulated into a belivenrent mess and then raped. Like thats why. Sure ok. Why not.

Ciga and weed. One word i agree with. By association. Pull it! Kill it! Burn!

Sucks to be a four leaf clover.

Go get ipl treatment done on my legs. Their getting patchy. Above the ankles. Ten treatments roughly. 2800$.

Well maybe with all this treatment their eorking over on me. Ill get to go back being a sexually immoral freak that has no bounderies and i can ruin some more lives. And my own while im at it. Ill be back to being a hairless child getting dicked again. While the men im forced to share my life with take pleasure in being superior to me. Oh well so much for the queer life. Somce i was a child. People have always taken pleasure from being over me. Thats just life. Too bad i fomt enjoy it. Id be the happiest person on the planet right now.

But i deserve it. Missing out on my childhood, losing my entire youth and being sexually manipulated in my prime. To never experience anything other than being at the mercy of other people. And never expwrience anything worth living for. 40 years and running. Wonder what a fenuine case of feeling loved feels like. I’ll never know.

Go order some dildos and wait on a guy to make a move on me. It’ll be a set up. Like always.

Throw an anger tantrum. Yell at some people. Boxes are shit, lifys ate shit. Saw is shit. Make a man cry. Igh. Your dad dies last year….(lucky) wow youe sad. You loved your dad. Dint ask for sympathy. Im incapable.

I wont get an inherentance any more than what theyve already goven me. If i do. All that money. Which is gonna be a handfull. Is probably going to. Charity. I dont accept money from strangers and assholes and rapist cocksuckers like he is.

Quit smiking for awhile see if this feeling in my ass ever goes away. If not. Months from now. Ill be ill prabably be a full receptive queer. Agaisnt my own better judgement. And everyone can celebrate.

Hopefully the old testemant is true and god destroys the anericas.

I want to move to russia. Wait till the war os over so i dont get shot by some ltgb rights rapist.

Funny about that while i was getting raped. Was thr forest fires. Worst in years. Hells a burning.

Too bad i don’t enjoy sex at all.

And all the hedonists. Are all oike what?! I dont understand. You cant bot like sex.

With this ass rot desease theyve given me. Ill probably kiss out on old age too.

I dont know how not to be addicted to something.

I scared myself straight. Cant bypass the life preservation with out killing yourself.

I want to turn as many women as i can jbto lesbians. Just to price how sexy of a woman i am.

Dont think im sleepinvvyo ight the ass is too severe. No work. No money. Want to quit anyway. Wont fine another one. Another countdown till i kill myself.

Not putting in any more effort to do a good job thats for fucken sure.

Course i will i dont knwo how not to try and make life better for everybody. It that ive ever experience it before. Give what you get. Has bever once rung true for me.

I always get ten times worse at everything. Could save your life wounldt mayter.

Im nit even allowed to use health care services or see a shrink without being fucked with. There goes that idea.

They want me to be sick so they can continue torturing me for as ling as they can.

Theres no flames to light and keep in anyones hearts. And none in serrounded to thar im willing to.

I cant even be mysellf in my own appartment by myself

Im gonna have to kill myself to prevent everyone from raping my existance. There nothing quite like vbwing framed inti something your not and raped into suicide. Excuse i have to go to work now. Need to to be fucked with some

More.

I have the entire fucken twonships. Hahhahah fucken raping my life hahhab

I need to

Go

Puke soem more.

Hard being s lesbian in a womans world.

My feet are balding my legs are balding my assis balding and the small of my back. Ehats next? Tits and a fat ass. Man, id look skward with tots my shoulders are too broad.

Womanhood aucks. I feel bad for you. Well not really cuz its worst for me than it would ever be possible for you. Chucks. Buch of pussies.

Because ive always been with nature. In nature. Serrounded. One side. Ivr never been fully present. Half of me is here. There other half over there. Ling bouts of solitude paired to toxic personalities. And silence. Nothing means peace. Nowhere means freedom. Just lacking that part to other people. Cuz they’ve always been all the above. Its never stoped. Always there. Always attcked, or persecuted. Singled out, and smalled.

All these years in this inhavent learnt a thing.

And the world is nothing but faget this and faget that. And expectant sadist pleasure with knowing eyes, and curled lips. Year after year.

Father, strangers, others already awuianted to. Social worker, shrink, dentist. Job job. Job. Job.

Alright my god. Show me what next. Pls. The smokes are gone. Give me grace. Like you have. Give me a wonder. Like you have. Brush my skin with wind and my lips with honey.

Yup. Making sure the dentist appoitmment is done by a super pretty girl on really negative venus mars aspects. Still being manipulated into being a queer. All they do is arrange for me to have negative relations with the oppostire sex.

Noy going to the dentist in the 17th. Cant have it on a day of my chossing. Uh?

Anal sucks. Its gross, its smelly, harzardous, and no happy ending. Here come madsage my earloob eith a Q-tip. Itll be mindblowing. An dim a little confused by whomever personalize this general horascipe app of mine. No passion, no fate, no romance. During a transiting mars square venus aspects. With a moon/saturn conjunction in connunction to natal moon. During a lunar eclipse while. Moving away from a sun trine mars to a sun sextile saturn. Not like i understand astrology at all and neither can i study it. Cause my life isnt my own. And it makes it super convinent form oytside forces to manipulate tour life with.

At work to tries pairing me eith an obnoxious buttlover. And a sissy princess. And a foreign indian who has lost his daddy and is still emotionally vulnerable about it. Im a woman remember im incapable of compassion or sympathy. Because women arent like that. And their even more terrible at pretending like they are then men are. They have lies, deceit, drugs and makeup. Theres nothign real about them. Theres no person behind the mask.

Maybe im just not aueer enough yet. Maybe i need to be brought ot the brink of suicide again. Or maybe i need another hormanal injection so i can fantasize about sucking off menopausal women.

Guess ill never know companionship. Be alone forever. Fighting the erge to kill myself. Peobably wont be around mucj longer. All life has ever sone is fuck me anyway. Therws nothing in it gor me.

Anf there probably somethign else excessivly cruel in store for me.

Hahhaha 40 straight fucken years. Hahha. And everyone thinks its fuckne funny. Maybe if i was as eetard as they are id thinknit be funny too.

She thinks im a badass. Being in the right fighting to entire ficken palbet by myself.

Messing with tbe hormones. Probably did the same when i was a child.

[judesbelligoal]

https://www.tumblr.com/judesbelligoal/755156783700557824/random-ass-shit-and-you-can-totally-delete-this?source=share

yeah like I thought it was mainly because we all go to different universities, but semester has BEEN over and everyone is back in town, I looked on instagram and literally they’re ALL hanging out and no one wanted thought to invite me. I live in America and yesterday was the 4th of July/Independence Day and usually people invite their friends and shit. And it’s crazy because I do talk to them and all when I have time to, but nobody talks to me, no one texts me first and shit, no hang outs, no one opens up to me, nothing. This ain’t even the first time they’ve done this, I remember when we graduated high school last year and they all went on a trip without me and even talked about the trip in front of me before going lol. They was like “oh so and so can’t make it to the trip, so we’re gonna have to find someone else to go, maybe one of our cousins and stuff” and I was RIGHT THERE LOL. Or when they were having graduation parties and stuff and everyone got envelopes and shit and they were just like “oh you can come too, I guess” (most embarrassing shit I ever did was remind one friend to send me an invite after he forgot lol, it’s giving desperation). Or I’ll go on instagram and see them casually hanging out at like Dunkin donuts (sort of like Starbucks) or the local museum and stuff and not a word to me lol. And I don’t need to constantly be present for everything, that’s not what I mean, I just think it would be cool to be thought of once in a while. Even my friends from my home country would do this, I’m always the one initiating and putting more into the friendship, so maybe it’s an issue with me. I guess I’ve been feeling like this for a while now lol and it just confirmed in my head that they haven’t been my friends for a while now. I don’t even feel surprised that they didn’t invite me, I sort of expected it.

Maybe slowly try to cut them off. U dont need to cut them off completely ofc but it can definitely to spend energy on other things instead of on people who dont treat you like a priority. Ppl u care abt should never make u feel this way cause they’re deliberately doing it atp

[button-brr]

hi welcome to garbage planet. can i take your order?

my fated gray lady sent another sad little boy who only likes to fuck when he's high who only vapes stuff he says he's going to get rid of one day. {cotton candy clouds that sweeten the deal a little bit] but mostly they just remind me of him and the nic makes me soooo fucking sick.

no serious plans no genuine love

I see their empty hollow laugh grins. so surprised a prince, handsome as I am, even looks at them. yeah. I love cute boys. I like sweet boys. I like fucking adult children who don't know how to make their beds and they sleep with stuffed animals and throw full blown fuckin tantrums when they run out of weed. but I promised myself I wasn't gonna do it again. so it's over. it has to end. it has to be over. I have to end it.

I'm so fucking sick.

of you. and him. and men like you. men like him. men who think they're more special than anyone else. men who don't ask if I'm doing ok. men who see and coo over me like I'm a child. I'll tolerate it. but I'm not fucking falling for it anymore.

I'm back in the shadowlands, it seems.

those are old tricks to me now. I see through your mask better than you see the placement of mine. and I have nothing to ask of you. keep whatever you want. things are trash are replaceable. disposable. everything is garbage in the end. in this garbage world. here on fucking garbage planet. I just didn't expect such a so much of negativity to come back so quickly. I just wish I could sit and think and be alone all over again. i would. happily.

nobody I need to see. nothing I need to do.

just me and my closet and dark air where I can sob and nobody can see my tears, not even myself. I hate obligation. I take responsibility and I take it seriously but I'm sick of bad dogs. untrained monsters barking their way into my path. I'll step into the weeds if I have to, find a stray hiding too sweet for this world. raise a good fuckin dog from scratch.

I don't need ruined goods.

I don't need a monster. I don't need a rapist beast jerkish ass self hurter that doesn't care about other people's feelings. you wanted to and you did and you want to and you would. human nature is to repeat whatever you can get away with whenever it works. not this fucking time. I'm sick and tired of it. I want good pure love. I'm not sticking around for this fuckin bullshit. that's all it is. two dates and you're fallen for me completely? you think couples counseling is gonna fix this? grow the fuck up. get a job and stop telling your mother everything. maybe then once you can buy your own things and pay your own rent, you'd find someone willing to fuck you good and right despite everything bad you do. I can't keep control of you. I don't want it.

im sorry i left a mark at all.

its not hard to cover up something you dont want people to see. you did it really well the first time. my love bites and bruises never landed so well before, too bad your sorry act crashed and you burned the bridges i was building. good riddance.

you are a fucking albatross. a #curse. a burden. a nothing. a bother. a beast. I've had enough.