#i dont think anyone cares about me and my art all that much anymore

[vacantfields]

I know not many care for my non robot art but KSHKSJ i am struggling severely with drawing and doing anything creative i do not like anything i do it is not good enough im not good enough so i just decided to draw something randomly so heres a 4th wall breaking horse named Datura

[pears-trinkets]

.

[arsonlookers]

Rambles about Height

Has anyone of you search or know that Childe is taller than Aventurine!?

Childe 5'11" / 182cm

Aventurine 5'6" / 171 cm

Is this accurate? please someone tell me!! 🥺 

I mean just imagine Yan! Idol! Childe mocking Yan! idol! Aventurine because of his height the two of them would start to bicker in front of you [their shared manager] then Childe tells you reasons to drop your contract with adventurine as his manager. just to make you his and his alone after all he dont like to share what is his to anyone.

And then Yan! Aventurine will plead with you not to listen to childe, [imagine his begging damnnn!! Im down baddd] if you are taller he likes that and promise he does not feel insecure at all he even likes it when you just looks down on him and he is in the level of you boobs!!

he is a sucker for them I tell you! Though he would still act the same smug and confident aven you know. But if you are shorter than him please~ he likes it too! like he can hug you and cage you in his arms?! like it is also bliss whenever he hugs you he can always smell your shampoo and hug you tightly as he roams his hands everywhere in your back and then puts his hands on your hair sometimes teasing you as he grabs your hair tightly just to get something out of you. [and if you moan just a little it's game over for him~] [he will explore everywhere honey no exceptions]

And Yan! Childe, If you are taller or shorter he doesn't care after all he loves it if you sit on his lap face and he is a thigh man FOR ME AND NO ONE CAN CHANGE MY MIND!! Yan! Childe loves it when he just keeps his hands on your thigh and keeps it warm since his hands are pretty much always are cold, depends on the weather.

Imagine both yan! idol! in the same van with you their beloved manager in cold and unforgiving weather and stuck in traffic for some godly reason. what do you think will happen since yan! aven loves your upper and yan! childe loves you lower hmm~

THEY REALLY DONT CARE IF YOU ARE TALLER OR SHORTER SINCE HEIGHT DOESNT MATTER for this guys~

And I really imagine them as both Fox you know~ like having them as pets who waits for their master is just sooo addicting concept!!!

They would not surely not get along at first but if their lovely manager talks and gets interested on someone that is not them then be sure to have your punishment when you get home~

They both would surely have their positions at hand. if you know what I mean~

Dont stop feeding me!!

pleaseee 😩

one last before I dissapear for like 2 weeks for my monthly Exam🥺 

Need my number sir? I mean Im free~

DAMNED THE EXAM!! I DONT CARE ANYMORE THESE GUYS ARE JUST KEEPS ROTTING IN MY BRAIN!

I will not be shocked if I would end up answering each damn exam questions with their names 😩

ART IS NOT MINE!! -from pinterest

artist: @Stars4993 on twt

[whenishipiluxurycruiseit]

After reading some twts about how the reveal should not affect the kaishin fandom bc of how old it is and how most old shippers had the suspicion of kaishin being related and proceeded to not care and accept and even ship them more leads me to the acceptance stage and the realization stage where this is all fiction and not true thus it will not affect anyone greatly and most of us should realize this too HAHAHA

I mean i had my suspicions too ya know but like i was expecting them to be distantly related not this closely related gahdang gosho JAGDHSHS also i was kinda closing my eyes when i saw how similar toichi and yuusaku looked like when i saw them so AHDGSHS lovelies lets just think that the reveal made the ship spicer that ever

Kaishin may be cousins and what? Its fiction, this ship is old, there are even more worse ships than this, will this hurt anyone? No (unless ur really in deep like delusional deep), will this change the world? No, will this affect your daily life? No, will this change your morals? For me no, cause i know they are not real, why on earth would they change my morals.

Honestly its not just kaishin, there are a lot of ships with this kind of relationship, and other shippers must realize the fact that they are not real and no one will get hurt. If you get disturbed by the fact that we ship cousins/twins/siblings then you may close your eyes and move one to the other post, im not like validating this bc in the real and current world this may seem disturbing but everyone must know the difference between real and fiction, do not do what fiction do but you may learn what fiction do, just put it at the back of your head as an additional knowledge and the possibility that some other people might mix up fiction and real life.

Anyways so much for the monologue JAGSHS

THE REVEAL FIRED ME UP INTO MAKING ANOTHER PROMPT YEEEEY

Like im not even focusing abt how kaishin is cousins anymore but at why toichi did that to his son, what is incest compared to betrayal (not rlly cause kaito still didnt know hes alive BUT STILL THATS HIS KID??? HIS CHILD IN THE EYES OF DANGER?? AND HE LET HIS CHILD DO THAT?? BOY?)?

Like i know he protects kaito at the side (it was on magic kaito 1412 i forgot what episode) but he protects kaito with kaito experiencing trauma bc how tf how dare u use my dead dads face you traitor like that like bro??

I dont even also think that chikage knew that her husband is alive, only yuusaku (like wow cute they mustve been such close siblings but thats not the point) knows that hes alive and yuusaku probs only also knows cause hes yuusaku and yuusaku knows everything in just once glance for some weird ass reason

ANYWAYS SO

My prompt is that (please know that some of the characters are ooc!!! Esp the parents cause they dont show much wth JAGDHSH also ill put in a oc for plot purposes WAHSGAHSGA)

Shinichi, still as conan, was in a pinch and was suddenly saved by a mysterious guy. Whom he thought was like akai san but he sensed someone different like.. KID? No.. dad??

Toichi who saw a kid who looked like his nephew when he was a child is being chased by men in black (who suspiciously looked like snake for some reason but snake doesnt wear shades in the dark cause thats a foolish move) decided to help him and lose the pursuers off his back

“Boya are you ok?” “…..(hmm? What is this feeling.. i feel like i’ve met him somewhere but..)” “boya?” “Ah! Un! Thank you uncle!”

Toichi suddenly thought of shinichi when he heard conans voice saying uncle, it sounds just like 10 yrs ago when he visited yuusakus house to teach yukiko the art of disguise

Toichi then took conan to his guardians when he found out that his parents was in america apparently (1) and he also found out that his guardians were the mouris (2) which was 2 points of suspicion which wasnt that bad but just weird cause why didnt his younger brother tell anything, not that that shit tells him anything at all. Adding to the fact that he has not seen his attention loving smart nephew in the news for a while now then pops out a child that looks like him makes the suspicion highly likely. (Their family kinda has a knack for attracting dangerous orgs, from what he seen to himself and his son, he just hopes his younger brother and nephew didnt get it (which was highly unlikely now too))

Consider his suspicions correct when his younger brother decides to okay dumb (he knows ok, theyre twins for a reason and hes a older brother for a reason) the problem now was which shady org was it and how much does his nephew and younger brother know….

2 weeks later he found out

Apparently he wasnt the only one suspicious of someone

His, (knew it), dear shrunken nephew was too! Bc of one comment from mouri kun (have we met somewhere before?) and his suspicions were proven right when he saw yuusakus phone lying around with his message on the notif screen

(Toichis so proud, thats my nephew, be nosy kid you will go far in life)(it made his nephew cute too 🥰)

and color him suprised when his nephew has a shady org at his back too (he was kinda hoping that his nephew only stumbled on the scene of the crime that was he was chased not being a victim himself sighs the family curse)

and toichi and his nephew (whom just found out they were related with the first kaitou kid, who was supposed to be dead) made an alliance! (it kinda feels good to not only have one person know about your secrets, it also makes him relieved that his nephew has a lot of trusted people at his back other than some bigass shady org)

it also makes toichi happy that his son could be himself (not just kaitou kid but really being kaito his son whom he left with his wife toprotecttonotpullintothismessbutthey-) with his cousin

his son was inlove with his cousin

oh shit

yuusaku why did we not let them meet again

how he found out? he got the front seat

with snake

but does that really matter

(is akai kun included when hes so far away from the build the confession was happening)

(akai kun just shoot snake pls)

then it all went to shit (from his perspective cause wdym kaito did not even notice snake was there so its ok uncle shinichi kun did u also not notice my mental breakdown too)

they apprehended snake, and found out he was just some lackey in the black org and wanted to be the same lvl as gin so hes chasing after some immortality granting stone (yea hes not gonna be on the same lvl as gin hes stupid says his dear cutified nephew)

he told his younger brother about the confession

his younger brother knew all along ever since he caught kaito sneaking in their house to leave a jewel that he stole and saw him caress shinichis face.. yuusaku told him with the face of did u really not see that coming, we never let them meet when they were old enough to remember.

like valid? but at least share the tea gahdang

yukiko also knows? brother? i thought bros before hoes? (he nearly got mauled to death by his mystery loving younger brother, bc how dare you call my wife a hoe? ur the hoe u *spits real talk that hurts*)

after yuusaku hurt him internally he has come to the fact that yea he was worse than his son.. (also who can blame him, shinichi kun has yukikos genes (not that his darling wife is any less beautiful than yukiko, his wifes beauty came from being reckless and he likes that in his woman sighs i miss my wife) and their reckless genes so, with his wifes beautiful and shiny loving gene with his reckless loving gene, shinichi, conan, his nephew was the perfect person for his son. not ignoring the fact that shinichi kun is also a very understanding person. his nephew grew a lot (internally cause well.. he shrunk physically))

and now shinichi is looking at him weirdly

no way

did he not hear his sons confession

"shin kun... what did you think about what my son said to you?" "hm? ah that chase?... isnt it just a chase? oh im sorry uncle if i hurt kaito, it was needed to make it look convincing haha, i dont plan on capturing him rn dw!" "... oh! its ok shin kun ^^"

it was not okay, how does his nephew not notice his sons confession to him? (his son was a child of two phantom thieves, making a heist even grander than it already is shows that his son is courting his nephew SO HOW TF- oh, oh yuusaku just told him that every heist shinichi went to was always that grand so he might not see the difference? oh. oh my gosh.)

how to break this to his son who thought his father was dead

yuusaku just smiled (useless asshole, just bc hes still close to his son even though his son is in another identity now and can still pretend to be his new sons identities father bc of the disguising art that toUICHI HIMSELF TAUGHT HIM)

shinichi kun said to wait till evrything was over, or wait till the black org is down cause he will help explain too cause he hid it too after knowing his undeadness (at least his nephew was helpful, might be yukikos gene)

"you know, ever since i met kaitou kid, i knew that i might need his help to bring this org down, but i never knew that it would be the first kaitou kid that will help me hehe"

his nephew is so cute (yep its yukikos genes, yuusaku could never be like that anymore, still regrets the day where he showed off to his younger brother his magician skills)

the org was brought down but the antidote for shinchis problem still hasnt been made but time is an essence they need to reveal the truth to his family now or it might get worse

family reunion time! :DDDDDDDDD

shinichi went to get his son and wife while he and his younger brother prepares his execution letter

(if u wanna know how shinichi went to get kaito and chikage pls comment! ill write it up on the other post)

"yukiko chan can u-" "nope"

"yuusaku istg id u dont help me we're twins for a reason if i die you die too" "fk u" (helps him)

then it all went to shit (pt 2) (shinichi kun can see it now too, toichi thinks even hakase next door can feel it)

his son did not walk out bc of shinichi kun ("kaito, listen to you father please, you know my situation, its kind of the same but in your fathers case, you are ran" "at least you were close to her!" "does it really matter when all she saw was conan not shinichi?" "but-!" "kaito, the woman i love is slipping before my eyes because i cant go to her like before now! everytime i go back to my body temporarily all i think about is how she will get hurt if the organization realizes i was one of the victims they failed to kill and will go after her and her family and friends! there are numerous people in the org who already knew about my real identity, they mightve been killed or decided to not tell about it but there is no saying they might decide to not do the opposite!"

[doodler16]

my new years resolution is to block everything having to do with vivziepop for the sake of my mental health after being a on and off fan whos stuck it out since 2019, and i think i feel so bad about it, because i still feel this deep sense of injustice at everything viv has gotten away with. im left with all this knowledge of her misdeeds, (the playbill BS where she wouldnt be honest about the delays on twitter, the one website she cant seem to stop using, her near nepo baby origins she lies about, the ghost fuckers millie suicide attempt leak, her lying about hh being delayed because of the 2023 hollywood strikes, the multiple taxidermy peacocks, viv asking her own crew for money for the $5000 lackadaisy producer donation where mel implies it was a "group effort" in a deleted tweet, all the people shes screwed over like dave and ashley and ken and kyra and erin, the recent livestream signing she deleted just a day afterwards for seemingly no reason, the transphobia screenshots even though i KNOW thats her, she posted a discord light mode screenshot with her and sam talking about how no one knew what she meant with that same exact pfp on her twitter after she announced they could finally release queen bee, and now you cant even find it easily because of her privating her twitter,) that i cant do ANYTHING about since fans dont care and youtubers dont care because *lyle lipton voice* Money, and can only hope that when these shows are closer to their end in 4 to 6 years from now, that someone with a platform can talk about this growing pile of evidence that shows that she might not be a great person after all. its just a burden to carry at this point. fan content doesnt make me happy, rewrites dont make me happy, and even critique i AGREE WITH doesnt make me happy anymore, because a majority of people refuse to address the ROOT of these issues due to a "separate the art from the artist" mentality, even though with how much creative control she has over these projects, i think its near impossible to do that. and i do truly think the root of all of them is viv and no one else, im sorry to say, even if that does sound like a personal attack like SC says. (genuinely, why would that be a personal attack? and even if it is, why should i care? since viv is 10 times richer then most people like me will ever be anyway? cant she just turn her phone off and buy herself more things to make her happy and show off on her insta, instead of learning how to make sincere connections like the average person does when they dont have that much disposable income?) maybe people will eventually catch onto this stuff. maybe they wont. but it wont be my problem anymore, and i'll avoid spindlehorse like the plague until i can binge watch everything in one fell swoop, instead of waiting with baited breath for something i know will inevitably disappoint me. but i wish the best of luck to anyone who will stay for the ride into the new year and beyond until it finally ends!

Happy new year! Wait, she lied about Hazbin Hotel being delayed because of Hollywood strikes and her nepo baby experience? Oof. Regardless, you are valid for feeling this way and I don’t blame you for being upset. It might take a while for most people to completely realize Vivziepop’s patterns and behaviors. There are people such as Ayy Lmao who have a big platform will defend Vivziepop.

[justmesten]

About act 2

So this could be just yapping, the experience is still very fresh and I have to rewatch it to catch everything but. I feel a bit underwhelmed. The show up to this point did a great job of managing the different storylines and the causality but in this act it began to fall apart. I felt like some happenings were left unhandled or were resolved underwhelmingly. With that said this show is still an amazing piece of art, I absolutely love it, and some of the things I will say could very possible be resolved in act III. For example, at the end of act I we saw Caitlyn appointed commander, but in this act she didn't really do anything with it. There was a chance for character development through this yet all we saw were enforcers still being violent, Ambessa pulling the strings as it was expected, Maddie being a rebound for her I guess..? But the act didn't show how power could've changed her, what policies she would bring or what decisions she made. It's especially frustrating because they did it so well with Jayce last season. Not to mention she didn't really show how she felt after leaving Vi.

Ambessa showed her teeth in this act, a little more than she should've. She got a lot of screentime which she used to assert dominance so to say. I think it was a bit too much of her, she didn't really change that much, other character's could've used this time better. Time is the weakness of this season for me so far, they want to show so much, they only have 3 more episodes and yet they don't use it wisely. The Black Rose and Mel being an actualy magic user(which I speculated for 3 years btw its amazing) could've been shown in 2 scenes and still would've the same meaning and depth. This is also true for Singed to a decree, tho not that much, I enjoyed his scenes, and the reveal with his daughter. With more characters back in the final act I'm a bit worried about this.

For Vi's depressive period I would've expected more than the montage we already saw in the trailer, but I guess that's okay. They did a great job with the sisters finding out Warwick is Vander, finding his old hideout, expressing their emotions, I really liked that part. She and Jinx came to terms very quickly after hating eachother and fighting so much but I can accept that it was overshadowed by Vander being alive, given that was the cause of them braking apart in the begining. I didnt really get why she went into Ambessas camp, and why that being captured act was necessary, I know they mentioned a diversion but it was a bit weird for me. This is on Caitlyn more, I dont think her flipping sides was justified enough, we didn't see her frustrated with Ambessa or Singed.

Jinx's story took a 180 turn with her not caring anymore. I loved to see her relationship with Isha develop, how emotions, positive emotions came back to her. She even got in touch with Vi for Vander and from her perspective it made more sense, cause I think she let go of her hate in act I already. I loved how they stopped fighting when Vi hurt Isha, that moment empathizes that they never wanted to hurt innocents and children, but through their story it happened again and again. I can't wait to see her lose her shit again in act III because of the traume she yet again experienced.

Viktor's story didn't go the way I thought it would but with this ending it kind of makes sense. I don't think he's actually dead, he still has a role to play. With he's community ruined he'll choose another path which I'm excited to see. This community didn't really seem that great with everyone connected him like a hive mind, and also we've seen with Salo that anyone he healed went through personality changes which is really shady. I can't wait to get to know the difference between him and Jayce.

And Jayce my boy the hate you're about to recive, you're in for a rough time. I actually liked how his character made everything more complicated in the last episode, and that he killed Viktor without a word is just Wild. Cant wait to see.

Warwick has been teased for so long and it was worth the wait. He carried this act for me, the sheer distruction in the prison was enough. And they gave him emotion with Vander still being inside, but I think with Viktor's "passing" that's over. He's gonna become the monster we waited for.

What do you guys think?

They did my girl Sevika dirty, losing an arm again?! Poor woman fr

[mincedpeaches]

I have never seen anything but incredible cute cywhirlgate art but knowing how absolutely filled with melodrama cygate was toward the end of the idw run I think cywhirlgate getting together would be so messy at first. Like Whirl joins them on their travels and him and Cyclonus start having a ton of close and intimate moments right. Cylonus is just as dense about as he was when he was first falling in love with Tailgate like "wow I love traveling with my boyfriend who i love very much and also now my best friend who I care for so very very much and have had a charged history with and charged moments with constantly now that surely mean. nothing more" meanwhile whirl is sitting there while Cyclonus tenderly holds his claws as a friend or whatever with a constant internal subliminal monologue like "I am not in love with Cyclonus I am NOT in love with him i dont even like this guy i dont like anyone and I dont want to get in between anything I am not in love with him. FUCK."

MEANWHILE Tailgate is like oh my god am I losing my boyfriend to WHIRL of all people. What is happening here. Like to him Whirl was that one friend that you dont necessarily dislike but youre just cordial with because of your significant other you know. Very third wheel type situations happening for Whirl. But suddenly its not that anymore. And as time goes on Tailgate is letting it get to how he acts with whirl, like being more stand off-ish. And whirl being whirl he cant help but do the same in response. And cyclonus does not notice this. But THEN right as this is boiling over Tailgate and Whirl end up in some Locked Room situation. Where theyre away from Cyclonus on their own for a little while, like days. And things get so heated and angry that they. make out a little about it. have hate sex even. Then after that since theyre STILL stuck with each other in the locked room, they air it out and bond over their shared love of cyclonus and inclinations towards violence and chaos. And break out of their locked room situation with said violence and chaos. Then they get back to an incredibly worried Cyclonus and Tailgate is holding hands with Whirl and happily goes "me and Whirl had sex, is that great?" thinking this would solve all their problems. only for Cyclonus get all worbly eyed and be like "you cheated on me?* 🥺 You wanna break up with me? 🥺🥺" And Tailgate is ready to flip some tables as he has to lay out how Cyclonus and Whirl have been acting recently. And how all evidence points to Cyclonus being in love with him. Whirl is wisely silent for once, which is basically taken as affirmation by all those who speak whirl-ese. Then Cyclonus is like "so you want me to break up with you... to be with whirl? " because Cyclonus is too stuffy and old fashioned to know what polyamory is or think about being in a threesome*. so only THEN, once whirl and tailgate awkwardly and patiently explain all their feelings and make their case for being polyamorous do they all get together. and theres is a least like three other overdramatic hullabaloos about it when theyre in the introductory phase because they (cylonus again) kind of sucks at polyamory at first.

*this is assuming conjunx is default assumed monogamous. Which. Amica arent. hello mr roberts would you care to comment on polyamory among transformers and how it relates to mpreg pspsps

[qpenpals]

First of all, support Shubble and support all victims (which is a statement that while said a lot, seems not be followed as frequently, however i hope those who read this abide by it)

Second, I don’t support wilbur soot/william gold, and I don’t think that anyone should after this.

Third, while this situation is not about me, i have feelings and opinions about it that i would like to share, but even if you don’t read anymore,

Please watch shelby’s vod, and maybe try checking her content out, because while i don’t frequently watch her, i enjoy her streams and maybe you will too! her new hardcore series sounds great :)

This is quite long, but honestly this is kind of just for me to collect my thoughts, however if you read to the end thank you<3 im touched :)

ALSO ABUSE TRIGGER WARNING

Alright, so I have loved wilbur soot’s content for a very long time, 4 years or so. I watched the streams and listened to his music from the start. His content is entwined with many of my fond memories.

Earlier today, I had a breakdown over this whole situation, because, as I’ve been quite busy with school, my job, and other assorted things in my life, I found out about this morning. I had woken from a nightmare about my previous abuser. Who i will be talking about a lot more of as they really impacted my views on this situation.

However this nightmare had left me in a fragile mood, my girlfriend was still sleeping and i didn’t want to wake her, so to comfort myself i went to read one of my bookmarked fanfictions, this fanfiction, while i dont remember the title is one that i’ve found comforting for a very long time, so much so that when im stressed my partner has it saved to send to me so i can calm down.

It was a fanfiction about quackity and tubbo, wilbur soot was mentioned maybe 5 times, and the author had deleted it.

This caused me to try and find out why, so i went to their page and they had posted a temporary fic explaining what had been going on.

My first reaction had been disbelief, I then went to research everything. It was a lot to process.

I watched shelby’s vod. Before this i had mainly been disconnected from what i had seen, taking it it but not with any of my own feelings or thoughts really, just processing.

Shelby’s situation hits really hard for me because a lot of it mirrors my own abusive relationship of a few years ago. The wording Wilbur used against her, sounds like what my old partner would use against me. His actions, such as her having to clean and taking care of food, and amenities, were things i had to experience.

Abuse TW:

My old partner would physically abuse me through biting as well, he would claim that he just liked knowing i was his, and yet, like shubble, if i ever used our safe word, which happened so fucking often, he either wouldn’t listen, bite down harder on my neck, or fucking smile at me before letting go.

This got to the point that multiple times he had drawn blood from my neck, that i still have scars from today. And as i watch Shubble talk about her story which is ever so close to mine, I wonder that if I had watched this before, maybe i wouldn’t have stayed in that relationship.

I proceeded to stay in this relationship for 2 years before i realized how much harm he was doing to me, because i truly believed he loved me, because of all the lovebombing he would do.

End of Abuse TW:

And yet i felt pain aside from sympathy or memories, when learning of this, as the content Wilbur had put out had actually helped me out of this relationship, his music was pretty much all i listened to the months of healing after i got out and it helped, the art is good, and yet the author is one i cannot respect nor support in anyway now that i am aware.

i’d suggest watching this tiktok by @lasmanburg that really explains my thoughts and feelings on this

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTL1tb5Wg/

Right back to the content. I don’t believe that we should throw it all away, i don’t think that people should be deleting their art, fanfiction, or anything based on Wilbur. Because in the end it’s all art that we have created and interpreted and though the man who inspired it is horrible, all that has been made does not reflect his actions, but instead love and creativity from vast multifaceted community.

One can continue their writing and work because they are the ones creating it, not him, and besides most interpretations of him stray quite far from the source anyways

I think that one can continue to engage in his content as long as one does not directly support him, such as pirating his music, but personally at least right now listening to his music which brought me so much comfort-makes me feel sick. So think i’ll be taking a step back.

I don’t really know how to end this, i just needed to get my thoughts out honestly. I have therapy in an hour. I hope all of you who’ve made it to the end have a wonderful day and drink some water. I wish shelby well, and i’m glad she has been able to share this situation. And with that, I must now leave :)

[straycalamities]

alright i been meaning to do this so:

what is and is not allowed to be done with any of my characters! this includes art, fics, edits, headcanons, whathaveyou

[general content/trigger warning for uncomfortable, possibly-triggering topics because this is mainly the gist of what i dont want to see]

x = never ? = ask for permission

do nots: x - no noncon (if you engage to work through your feelings, never make my characters the perpetrators, it skeeves me out) ? - no genderbends/sexswaps/whatever they're called anymore? idk just don't mess with their gender, pronouns*, or assigned-sex-at-birth as a general thing unless i already have or okayed you directly. triple-especially if they're not cis x - respect their romantic orientations/sexualities! if you don't know a character's then you can ask me, but yeah. ie: don't ship andrew with women, he's homosexual x - [NSFW] absolutely no ageplay kinks or anything like that with my characters. no raceplay. just..nothing like that. x - no pregnancy. no mpreg. no omegaverse. none of it. (i've come a long way from it being straight-up a trigger but still, yea,) i have had some of my characters naturally be pregnant/have babies but i'd rather handle it myself, if you know what i mean x - this is a duh, but nothing hateful/bigoted using my characters. like, for instance, i do joke abt shit and say mainverse!entre is a conservative but don't unironically use him for anything awful like that. joking/memeing around about his terrible political stances is fine though x - i would never write or have my characters telling anyone to "kill yourself" so please don't have them say stuff like that. even if it's a joke. it makes me uncomfortable. (there may be a few exceptions in my giant roster of ocs but as a general rule just avoid it) x - never use my ocs likenesses or art of them as art for your own ocs. that's never okay. my ocs designs are for my own characters only.

*it's okay to have neopronoun headcanons

okay! generally anything i havent said isn't okay IS okay, but just so anyone reading this has a clearer idea

it's okay to use my characters for expressing yourself, venting, or just personal stuff like that. if my characters help you through something, go ahead and express it. i'm happy they help :)

playing around with gender presentation (not gender) is perfectly okay with any of my characters

shipping in general is fine as long as it doesnt go against the don'ts list. i dont care who you ship them with

[NSFW] i'm okay with pretty much any other kinks other than anything that goes into noncon, bigotry, or underage so go wild even if it's not my thing personally i don't care. (ie: the swagtre piss fic? lol im not a watersports guy but chase your bliss)

my characters are all free game for anything horror themed as well. horror as a genre, body horror, psychological horror, whatever. go for it. i have a personal major squick for eye gore but i can handle (and enjoy) pretty much anything else in this realm. go as gorey or not as you like (just tag appropriately for other ppls sakes)

handling self-harm/suicide idealization themes is technically? okay? for my characters? just uh...be respectful i guess. and definitely tag appropriately. this theme is canon for a few of them so i am okay with it just handle it with care is what i'm saying

go ham-buck-wild with mental illness headcanons or projections or anything like that. i dont think i have an oc that doesn't have at least something, so if you see yourself in their symptoms, go for it. only some of them i have personal labels for some of their stuff but otherwise it's whatever. just be respectful, again.

kinning is also okay! kin, synpath anything like that. go ahead! go wild with it. i think it's neat. just be respectful.

and an important note to all of this, other than being respectful to others and the characters themselves, is to respect me. just because it's okay that you do it with my character, doesn't mean i have to agree with it or make it canon or anything like that. it just means i gave you permission to engage like that. so please don't come to me trying to ask or force me to change something about my own characters or get so lost in your headcanons you start to disrespect what i've established myself

and if you ever have any questions about them or any of this, just let me know. i'm always happy to help

also yet again DONT REPOST MY NSFW ART ARGHHHH!!!

[favouritefi]

I'm here to be bothersome about purror and erebark again. In your web of how the characters connect art, you have Little having a work crush on Jopson. I'm curious what Jopson feels about Little. Sorry if you've already answered this.

not a bother, my au is so convoluted that theres no way anyone but me can keep track of it all LOL. my answer became an insanely long stream of thought so its under the cut (you have been warned):

I’ve said before that jopson was initially hostile towards little and then he calms down and that it’s hard to tell what he thinks about little, part of that is bc jopson is so crozier focussed that all other people become secondary, the other part is bc they have known each other for far longer in this au than they have in canon so jopsons opinion of little has changed over the years as they both changed (for better and for worse). Like, little was there when jopson and crozier had their Big Fight and little visited jopson nearly as much as crozier visited him when jopson was Dying In The Arctic and little makes jopson coffee every morning and offers to do the chores the others don’t want to do when he’s not depression napping around the house and it’s very obvious that little respects jopson a lot / crushes on jopson a little bit and jopson is not stupid so he knows about littles feelings for him but its like. what is jopson meant to do with all of that? Someone once told me they really dislike the crozier and jopson in my au but i think that’s cause I haven’t elaborated enough on jopsons internal conflicts and feelings and history - jopson doesn’t really see himself as a catperson. What I mean is, jopson spent most of his adult life with crozier who treats him like a human, who treats him like he would any other man, and jopson is used to this and used to having this perception of himself as someone worthy of dignity and autonomy and respect. This is not the kind of life that all the other catboys in this household grew up with. Everyone else has been treated by humans like playthings or pets or vermin, only jopson has had the consistent experience of being treated like a Person, not an equal no, but a real Person. And he likes that. He likes crozier. No one else in the world is capable of giving that to jopson besides crozier. Little is lovely and kind and earnest and if jopson thought of himself as a catperson, if he had been adopted by anyone except crozier, then maybe him and little would meet at some soirée where the both of them are bored to death and jopson flirts with little just for fun and little responds with such schoolboy-like fluster that jopson is charmed and they start courting and falling in love and they get paraded around by their owners like a pair of whimsical trinkets and they might even be permitted to take care of / raise their nieces and nephews and so the two of them dont have to work anymore and they are excellent parents and its a wonderful life that jopson is happy with, but that didnt happen. crozier happened to jopson and jopson happened to crozier and this changes both of them irrevocably. sometimes jopson thinks about little and about what-ifs and imagines that he might be content with little, that its not too late to try, but then he checks the time and realizes he needs to start making dinner now if he wants to make that beef and potatoes dish that crozier likes so much. and when little compliments him on the dish he politely smiles and politely ignores little's adoration. so yeah, thats what jopson feels about little.

[nerves-nebula]

Sorry bout this thing but I kinda wanted to tell my thoughts about your stuff. Im kind of hoping this will get drowned in your inbox honestly, since this is just a really long unsolicited rant of mine.

Sometimes when i scroll through your account and I encounter csa, incest and mentions of suicide in your posts I get uncomfortable but then I remember that one phrase that goes something like "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comforted" and I just feel kinda bad bout myself.

When I was a kid my nannys bf forced me to kiss him in the lips whenever we met. I was 6. It was uncomfortable. I never did tell my nanny about it. My parents are both police people and my mother had long explained the concept of rape and how unconsensual touch is bad and you shouldnt allow that but something prevented me from telling anyone what was happening. I dont know why. I know they would immiedietly jail that guy if they did but somehow it felt like no one would believe me. I never told them until now, then when I was what, 6-8 years old? I cant even remember. Yeah somewhere around that, he molested me when my nanny was few feet away and asleep and for the next 4 years of my life i felt dirty. Desecrated. Stupid. I couldnt even look down at my naked body when i shower back then, but somehow I managed to trudge on living by trying to forget the fact it happened. Its been 8 years since Ive last seen him. Ive told anyone who I knew who doesnt care enough to be friends with me but cared enough to listen about it but my Parents are none the wiser and i plan on keeping it that way.

Also. Im a year away from being legal now. Ive thought about killing myself or just generally not wanting to exist anymore many times since then, cuz lifes equipped with motolov cocktails of "get fucked dumbass" and i somehow managed to get a coupon for at least a million of them.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

Coming back to the phrase i mentioned earlier, it feels weird whenever i feel something similar to the feeling of being triggered while looking at csa being depicted. By definition, i would be considered a victim, and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont. I see your art and it guts me. It guts me and the fact that it does also guts me, because what does that mean? I am supposed to be the comforted? Despite the fact that I was taken advantage of as a child and spent night after might thinking how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equiped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children? So i do I correspond more with those who are defined as comforted then, was i not disturbed after all? Was i victimizing myself all along? Am I a bad person for thinking i was? No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

And then it repeats.

I still go through your blog because well, i love tmnt, i love your artstyle, i love the way you tell stories, I love how you dont sugar coat csa, incest and other darker topics like body horror, erotism and sadism, i hate how much it haunts me, i love the fact i can relate, i hate how much you hurt them, i love the fact that you dont hold back, i love how you show the ugly sides of healing, i love how you depict how much people can change and struggle. Its comforting to me. Its discomforting to me. I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

And i like it. I like it somehow, like taking a nice smoke break when you have mild asthma, but like, better. Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

But yeah. Tldr. Sorry for the trauma dump and your art makes me feel complicated. Its neat 👍

lot to reply to here! also, unfortunately for you, i check my inbox obsessively and dont get nearly as many asks as you seem to believe i do.

so firstly, no snappy saying is meant to encompass all of human experience, and you certainly shouldn't judge yourself for not fitting into it. easier said than done, i know, but still. i'm gonna try to address some things here, not gonna touch on all of it, but just know that i appreciate you sitting down to write me this.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

it made me smile, but i laughed at this, because it's a very sweet look into you writing this. puts into perspective how, even though this is public, it was written TO me. like a letter in victorian times or something. that's sweet, i like that.

and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont.

you're making a lot of assumptions here that are kind of wild in that "this thought process was clearly designed by your mind to upset you specifically" sort of way. I mean, would you say this to literally anyone else when they feel uncomfortable or triggered about viewing media that relates to their trauma? There's really no telling what a survivor will feel comforted by and you aren't Doing It Wrong by having a different reaction.

there's a reason i tag it as "csa tw" and that's so people can AVOID it as well as search it up.

how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equipped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children?

i know you recognize at the end of the thought process that this is not true, but i feel the need to reiterate: there is no such thing as being less vulnerable than other children through your own actions. you can try to equip kids with knowledge that might protect them, but that doesn't make them any less vulnerable.

my dad told me about rape and molestation all the time, but he never accounted for the kinds of scenarios i was actually the most likely to fall victim to, partly because i don't think he actually knew much about childhood sexual abuse, and partly because he was more obsessed with the idea of me being kidnapped and raped/murdered than he was about forms of sexual abuse he'd consider more "mild"

No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

i can't answer that one, unfortunately. personally, i like to feel gutted, it's cathartic to me. might be something like that to you, based on how you go on to describe it, but you might also be doing some kinda self harm.

I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

saaaaame. i triggered myself into a breakdown in class once cuz i'd been reading fucked fanfiction before class and i got SAD lol.

Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

we are shaking hands over this.

anywho, no need to apologize! i am glad, if nothing else, to provide you with a strange and upsetting experience that is not entirely bad.

I really do adore hearing how my stuff makes people feel. it's like, a solid one third of the reason i do this. i still make stuff that doesn't exist to be shown off but WOW showing shit off and getting a response feels FANTASTIC. like, i'm in your head now!! you have been CHANGED by my ART. it's maybe the best part of being alive.

[teardew]

-

im thinking about making a patreon because i .. uh .. i cant justify drawing for myself anymore and its killing me lmao

it takes me really long to draw so any time i hav should be spent on comms... iv been trying to fight off burnout by drawing things i like inbetween commissions like that sv anatomy practice and vampire/werewolf mngling was just for me but it still ended up setting me behind schedule because i had to rest my eyes and wrist afterward. but not only that i also wanna like. make a lot more things ...

like i wanna do animal, insect, architectural, jewelry studies and fashion and character design explorations and try designing icon packs and branch out trying embroidery with mixed media and clothes making and get into making like 3d things with clay and soft sculptures. i wanna make historical fashion coloring books with việt phục and fashion zines ...

also theres a lot of stuff i dont post bc im not sure if anyone would be interested in all the design concepts and notes i had for example the homestuck dreamer outfits or the various sha hualing designs and sketches i had before getting to the thing i posted? like i hav a bunch of different sqh outfit and hair designs but theyr more clothing based and not detailed character/face art ...

idk !! it sounds like an excuse. its like, who cares just post it ! i know i shouldnt value my art by the amount of numbers i get from posting on social media and i dont mostly but its kinda unavoidable ? to me ? i know i only post fanart and ppl follow me for that and its not a bad thing ! being realistic i just dont think anybody but me would be interested in it ??

i dont know. god. i dont know what this post is about. ''i dont think anybody would be interested in the things i really wanna make'' but im thinking about making a patreon for things i really wanna make anyway because thats the only way i can justify it is if i can profit off it in some way. i dont really want to, but with my financial circumstances i dont know. i never wanted to make my livelihood off my art. i dont even consider or call myself an ''artist'' really, i just want to MAKE art

i dont know why i still cant find a steady job after 5 months applying to everything and its making me miserable. its embarassing, they say to be persistent with jobs but calling and even walking in to check on applications and watching employers awkwardly try to turn me away without just flat out telling me no even though none of them hire me is an exercise in public humiliation. how bad do you want a job? bad enough to make a fool of myself with nothing to show for it. and i want to make art for myself to cope but it takes too much time and time is money

maybe this post is about my art anxiety under capitalism. i dont know

i think im safe enough now to admit my friends gofundme i was posting about months ago about helping their friend escape their abusive household was actually my gofundme because i was worried about them finding out and preventing me from leaving or internet stalking me afterwards. i did hav a scare when i got a phone call i thought was from my brother but ended up being a police officer, whos my mother's friend ...

but anyways. me admitting this is just to give context that. i ran hundreds of miles away from financial security and everything i ever knew and im still struggling to find steady income nearly half a year later. i just dont understand what im doing wrong. is it my name? is it because im not from here? iv been working continuously ever since i could legally my resume isnt BAD. am i just stupid? should i have just tried to make peace with my lot in life?

i thought getting away from my family would let me be in a better place to create more art, thats one of the things i was so excited about but this feels just as stressful as when i was the only earner supporting my family during covid. i just want a stable job so i can make art. i dont want making art to be my Job. i dont want to be a ''starving artist'' begging for people to care about my art i just want to make art. but fuck i dont know how to sustain any of this

sorry for this mess. insurance is different out here and i havnt been able to find a psych either so its not like i can talk about this in therapy instead of venting on my art blog. all my life i wanted to make things without the fear of it all being destroyed. the main reason i havnt branched out from illustrations is because its entirety can be saved digitally even if its physically ruined. my sketchbooks were thrown away or ripped apart by my family either from carelessness or anger to hurt me but now that im finally enough safe to have them again or make something i can hold in my hands without the fear that someone will come in break it and make me clean up its corpse i cant afford it

i dont know what to do. is it worth it? is making art worth it? i mean. its worth the rent this month. and i still love drawing god this is probably bad for business because i dont want people to feel bad for commissioning me or anything but not to be dramatic why does it feel like im fucking dying

[mueritos]

Hey. Idk if this is me growing up or just being disillusioned with inter celebs etc. Im a 23 yr old trans man so I grew up and was inspired by chella on the YouTube community. But now I just…don’t like chella man anymore. I feel like…he became an industry plant? Over the pandemic asking fans for money to send to him directly to help others and not showing where the money was going exactly incident as well as just becoming older I noticed he seemed to almost want to become the next Keith haring or basquiat? He almost…now seems very fake? He takes deals with brands to be representation but doesn’t do much to call out certain brands for their faults etc.

Idk anymore

I give Chella credit in that he was one of the few transmen that I looked up while I was young, especially with him being BIPOC. Showing him to my family helped them understand me. But that's where the inspiration kinda stops, because it was painful to be surrounded by years-in-transition trans men online when I was absolutely nowhere I wanted to be. That was a me problem tho. But I also didn't know much about his whole donation incident.

Ig heres what I have to say. It's not great to view other people as your justification of your morals. We don't know how people have had to live or how they live now, we don't know what decisions they have to make, and we dont know what kind of fears or goals they have. Chella is allowed to do whatever he wants with his art or his modelling career, just like how I genuinely believe anyone else in the world is capable of making the right decisions for themselves (even if we dont like those decisions!). Im not really concerned with figuring out if hes an industry plant or a "class traitor" (lol) or even if he's "fake". To be honest, I'm all for BIPOC folks getting their $. Does that mean I enjoy seeing wealthy BIPOC folk perpetuate classism and racism? No. Just cuz someone is succeeding for themselves doesn't mean people cant critique them. I guess what Im saying is I see waaay too many people online take the things they enjoy and the people they follow as projections of their morals: "no! stop [Insert celebrity name] you're being problematic and its makes us fans look bad!" Like....Okay lmfao. People are grown adults and are going to make decisions for themselves. Just because you might enjoy a celebrity does not mean your morals are based on how good of a person they are.

and youre allowed to not like the same things anymore just like how people are allowed to change, for better or for worse. I think within online communities there is way too much pressure on "looking" like a good person versus actually being one...because sometimes BEING a good person makes you look absolutely vile in terms of online spaces/communities love of isolating, removing, and deleting "problematic" (and vulnerable) people from their spaces with no trial, discussion, or attempt at conflict mediation. Yea yea I do think people have every right to be criticized just as they have every right to make whatever decision they want, but what Im trying to get at is to really stop viewing anyone with a platform as someone you can other once they dont meet your standards. This is not the same as denouncing or critiquing someone for really egregious behavior (white supremacy, harrassment, bullying, interpersonal violence). Once you kinda start living by your own morals without needing other people's actions/behaviors to justify/define them, you learn to focus on building connections rather than destroying them.

again, this is a much nuanced topic and you prolly werent expecting me to go into this. but ive grown over the years and have engaged in some nasty and vile mob mentality behavior that i just dont vibe with anymore. im not really the kind of person now to speculate online or publicly what other people are doing or should be doing or whether theyre problematic or not. I don't really care about Chella man or most celebrities rn. People r just gonna be people, and I will always have empathy for those of marginalized identities. Free will, autonomy, and self determination goes both ways, but so does accountability, transformative justice, and reconciliation.

but also like kill ur idols lol

[angy-grrr]

What is pissing me off abt the epilogue is how horribly they treated both Izuku and Ochako and how it seems like literally every shitty and impossible thing had to be used just so they would TALK.

Society had to magically become peaceful and heroes are almost no longer needed, Ochako had to regress on her HS crush that she apparentely never thought about talking to in 8 years until he got a brand new armor suit to go back to being an active hero, and STILL hiding her feelings, the ghost of Toga and Shigaraki had to covinently be kicked back to life to forge a connection and to push them towards each other, Izuku had to become completely indifferent to his other friends and his passion to be a hero had to be dulled to the point he's only a weekend hero, and Kacchan and Todoroki had to become meta commentary mobs just so they could pretend she was the most special person in the room for him all along, so they could make HIM chase after her.

Like... Was there seriously no other way to make them canon???? Is that seriously the only way???? Bc if that's the case, i can only think this was done out of spite. You can see it in the art too, where the author just decided to draw female characters well but the rest just a sloppy, shoddy mess.

Its so ridiculous -this was such an easy ship to confirm in canon without spending much time in it. Just a little "oh, and we started dating bc we got closer after 1st year!", or agree to date in the future before the last battle, or confess something. But nah, we need to repeat 429 basically but make it "romantic", finish with a handshake Tetsu Tetsu and Kirishima do all the time, and end everything that made BNHA BNHA in the first place.

For a ship that has no conflict, no drama, no substance, no attachment, no depth, nothing, you have to destroy literally everything just to make them talk more and imply romance bc they are blushing and all of the sudden he loves her way more than anyone else -im sorry, if you love her so much why didnt you even think about talking to your high school best friend in 8/6 years??? This isnt yearning, you can yearn WHILE being with the person, and theres nothing making them stay away from each other besides their inability to try it -they became the same person, theres nothing to balance it, they even share some features (horikoshi said he draws similarly izuku, ochako and eri), which makes it way less interesting visually, so all they have going on is "being cute". But then, they just dont blush around each other anymore, and all of the sudden they dont even hang out in private???

Theres nothing in this story that makes us feel like they, genuinely, have to end with each other -the only reason many kept it in mind its bc of the demographic, and thats a huge red flag in terms of writing. You dont have to make them fight nor be in separated sides, but there has to be something going on in a story for us to care. In my perspective, there were two options:

1: Show us how actually special they are to each other in terms of romance instead of constantly make Ochako's character about it while Izuku gets nothing of that. Make it dramatic, make him fight because he needs her to be okay, make her be part of the actual main fight, make the villains work with this information instead of making Katsuki the protagonist of these moments. Make it a romance-action shonen, spending more time with these topics actively involving the male main character instead of just giving it all to Ochako, and spending more time with her and her journey outside of just him.

2: Make it really small and simple -if we arent supposed to focus on romance, canonizing them just by literally mentioning it would fit much better. Plain and simple, they are friends, friends can like each other and date, thats cute and harmless, and doesnt take anything from the story.

Instead, we got some romantic shoujo level drama going on for two characters that never got that level of intensity for each other in the whole story -and on top of that, the "confession" is about talking to each other more and a bro hold, it doesnt even try to actually commit to it. C'mon, all "romantic" moments coming from Izuku are so surface level and easily deniable -at first, him reacting to his first friend being a cute girl, and the rest is him being friendly with her and having a similar ideology separated.

Nothing makes them actually come together in this story even if they are basically the same -thats so... impressive, honestly. How many things have to change in one chapter in order to semi confirm a hetero ship could happen?

[phoenixfangs]

tagged by @rizaposting HOLDING UR HAND AND PRESSING MY FOREHEAD AGAINST UR SHOULDER i never get tagged in these so this is fun huehue

are you named after anyone? not technically, ive asked my parents multiple times about How they came up with me and my siblings names, but they just. didnt think very hard about it. fjkdlsjfdlas. but in a way im named after my mom, because me and saturns given names start with the same letter as our moms; my younger siblings names start with the same letter as our dads. i guess me and saturn could also be named for one of my dads uncles?? our names mixed make that uncles name. but idk im not willing to believe my dad cares that much about Anyone in his family to honor their memory through our names lawl

when was the last time you cried? i think the other day watching atla, when zuko and iroh reunite before the final battle. zuko trying to stumble through an apology and thinking iroh must hate him, but iroh just without even saying anything grabbing zuko and pulling him into a tight and tearful hug... man ;_;

do you have kids? HELL NO!!!!! im barely halfway through my 20s i should be at the club. dont want kids, never wanted kids, will never want kids. i will tolerate being my nieces and nephews cool auncle when my siblings start having kids of their own, and No More, thanks

do you use sarcasm a lot? i guess so?? its hard to gauge. i feel like most of the time i speak sincerely, but i will also throw in the occasional sarcastic quip. shrugs

what sports do you play? i dont play any sports anymore, but up until high school i played softball. i was pretty good i think! pitcher and second base. also in middle/high school i was a baton twirler for band and i guess dance competitions (i have Never thought of it as 'dance' but i guess technically i was dancing... blegh), and im gonna count that as a sport. any activity with the possibility and probability of being hit on the head by a metal rod counts as a sport to me

what’s the first thing you notice about people? probably their height. most people are taller than me but i will make an immediate note of people who are Shorter than me

what’s your eye color? grrrreen gray? i spent a few minutes staring at my eyes trying to figure out the color but all i did was strain my eyes jfldks

scary movies or happy endings? hmmmmmm i love both. i like blood and gore and guts and evil, but i also like heartwarming fluff where everything works out. i cant decide!! it just depends on my mood hehe

any special talents? i hesitate to claim i have perfect pitch because it sounds self congratulatory, but im pretty sure i have perfect pitch lmao. i cant Identify notes by name but i can recreate pretty much any note i hear, as long as its in my range. im not a good singer though lawl i dont have the technique. in the same vein, i can recreate other noises i hear pretty well, like i taught myself how to do the perry the platypus clicking sound Thing he does just by listening to it

where were you born? texas born and raised! everyone i knew growing up was a redneck or a 'cowboy church' christian

what are your hobbies? drawing, writing fanfic oneshots or rps with friends, bideo games, rewatching the same handful of tv shows and letsplays and video essays over and over again

do you have any pets? my son, my sweet bubby, apollo :> my stupid little man, hes gonna be 3 this year i think! flame point siamese kitty, dumb as rocks, currently i think hes burrowed in the sheets on my bed taking a nappy

how tall are you? 5'2", but add a couple inches because i almost exclusively wear shoes that add height, like my Big Dyke Boots i wear every day hehe

favorite subject in school? any of my electives probably, like art and music/band. in college my favorite classes i ever took were film appreciation, screenwriting, and theatre directing (which i signed up for thinking it was film directing, but it was still so fun and interesting)

dream job? honestly?? i think anything on the set of a movie or tv show would be awesome. maybe creative consultant, so that i can interject my own ideas into other peoples projects. i tend to feel my most creative when im working Around other peoples ideas tbh. all that, or lead writer/director on my own tv show/movie/video game, if i ever feel like i can handle that pressure

GET TAGGED @applescabs @lizardyeast @cottagegay and anyone else that sees and wants to participate :>

[mspeevee]

Would it help more to ask you questions so you can vent, or would you prefer comfort? If so, would you prefer reassurance or advice?

I know it's a lot, and I don't want to condenscend. But I do promise that you aren't doing anything wrong by feeling this way. Take as much time as you need <3

i just wish i felt like i was important to my friends enough that i was worth the time i put into them back

i wasn't gonna vent but then i exploded anyways.

the gist is that multiple times now i've felt like i do all this effort, messaging first, making art (i don't do it expecting anything back), sharing my life with people only to receive like, appreciation but not reciprocation. and then i watch them do all of that for other people and i can't help but feel like it's my fault. like i am just so replaceable.

and then when i am hurting so bad i understand they don't know what to say me, hell they prolly have my vent and complaining tags blocked i'm sure, but i feel left to rot and seethe until i fucking hate them. and then i feel bad about it, cuz i don't want to, but i'm so tired of feeling this way every few months. it makes me wish i were dead because i don't see any point in going on if no one genuinely cares if i'm in pain or not. not even a simple "hey im sorry you're going through this but i care". i get ignored. and i feel like it reflects my worth to them.

and rn i can't blame myself for feeling so angry about it too when i feel like i'm bleeding out with their backs turned to me. and maybe that's dramatic but i'm not exactly rational right now anyways so.

and later on i prolly won't blame them or anything, i know this is all because my mental health is bad and my brain tortures me using them against me, but when it happens so often and i feel like i'm finally getting better only for something random to set me off into wanting to stop existing again i'm like, well what's the fucking point??

would they even cry about me for that long? would me leaving leave any impact longer than a week? a month? would they regret not taking every chance i gave them to engage with me? did i deserve their time at all anyways? am i selfish for interpreting continual silence as dismissal?

this applies to literally everything but i cannot blame myself for not knowing how people think when they don't tell me. i can't know if anyone likes my art if they don't like it or reblog it or tell me. i can't know that you told your friends you really enjoyed a post on my blog if that's the only people you told.

and obviously that extends to me, too, how can they know i'm slowly resenting them if i dont say something? but isn't that so cruel of me to mention? isn't it so mean of me to make them feel bad for doing harmless things that just so happen to be used as ammo against me because of my own problems by my own brain? should i just stop making friends? where do i give up here? where do i work on it?

honestly i'd love advice, idk how to cope like this. everything online just says therapy but that's not an option for me. im trying so hard to practice mindfulness and challenging the thoughts but they seem so right and like there's so much "proof". "oh you did all this for your friend but they never did it back but look now they're doing it with this new friend! and it's not the first time either, how many times will you assume you mean as much to them as they do to you."

i wish i wasnt struggling alone. even tho i know i'd just think they're lying if they ever reached out to me at least i would remember they tried when i started to come out of this ditch. but no one wants to try with me anymore, and it's my fault.