#i dont sketch in this style very much anymore but i really should

[pretty-haunted]

Have a REALLY old Morrigan sketch while I work on the new DA4 companion illustrations

[onejellyfishplease]

I am all about constructive criticism. I mean, how am I supposed to get better at writing/drawing if people won't be honest with me and give me tips to get better. I personally think that people who can't take constructive criticism aren't very bright. How are they supposed to get better at things if they don't listen to others who are just trying to guide them?

Also, I would love some more tips on how to make the shell better. If you are willing, of course. :)

I am horrible at drawing. I usually have to trace things to get a decent drawing. (For instance, I traced like five different things to make Mikey a pony.)

I'm so much better at coloring than I am at drawing. My writing needs work, too, but I'm getting better.

First of all, can I just say that you shouldnt worry about tracing art to improve your own (as long as u aren't posting it as soley your own but thats a whole other rabbit hole) I did too! It helps build ground work for a good understanding of anatomy and poses.

However there are a few holes in tracing. Forst of all it is quite limiting in the outcome of your work, as your art is stuck static in one pose. this can alkost hinder your ability to see things in '3D' and visualise objects for multiple angles. it can also lead to 'skin wrapping' , which i think is the hole you fell into here (and also a term i just made up now)

with the shell, you only coloured it within Mikey's trace lines - this caused the shell to loose a lot of its mass - making it look, quite frankly, not like a shell.

a way to improve on this is to look at more references of Mikey's shell in the show and its shape from different angles. this can help you get a good idea of how it should look, and it is a good idea to practice drawing it from these angles. this will improve your ability to think in a 3D space, (which is so darn hard, but seriously useful)

however, and you may have noticed this yourself, when you add new additions to the figure, the line art just doesnt line up! the line quality is different!

This is because the line you have done for the addition is Your Line. And we love your line.

so lets make the rest of the traced lineart fit into your style, instead of you fitting yours into theirs okay?

You may notice that when you trace art, the line work is just not the same, the lines are shakier than the original and it just doesn't look as good. this is not a reflection of your skill.

It is because, usually, (at least when I did it) you follow the original line so closely that it turns out shaky, probably taking your pen off the page a few times to take a break from the oen stroke. while the original artist did that line in one sweeping stroke.

a way to fix this, and make the line arr cleaner and more you, is to instead use the drawing as a very close reference. for example:

instead of tracing the exact lines of the art, merely trace the general shapes of the art. not only then do you add your own flair and gesture to the drawing, you are then more free to add more shapes to this sketch.

You can still use the reference drawing as closly as you want, but try to focus less on getting the exact lines copied, and more on the general shape. you linework wont be perfect the first time, it might be really messy compared to your usual tracing, and thats fine! you should see some of my sketches before i refine them!

But these will be your lines, theyll be smoother and more gestural, and overtime you will get better control over your penstrokes doing this.

Okay I cant really think of anymore to add here, I hope this helps! i think this was just one big word vomit lol. Keep drawing!! cause no matter what you do, as long as you are actively drawing you are always improving! dont be afraid to push yourself out of you comfort zone! who cares if it doesnt turn out the way you wanted it to? Its your art, You Created That with your Own Hands, and I think that is amazing.

<3

[tianhai03]

Hi! I was curious about your study methods for anatomy/fabric folds? What are some resources you learned from, and other artists you've looked to for inspiration/guidance? Would you be open to doing personal, non-public critiques? I love the composition of your pieces and want to learn more!

hi uhhh i am very sorry to break it to you but i rarely ever do studies that isnt just. character/facial structure studies LMAOOO i used to do anatomy studies but not as much anymore and ive never done fabric fold studies. unless you count "staring at ppl respectfully on the train/video game characters from AAA games for a long time just to figure out how certain things work" as studies i dont actually do a lot of them very often.

^ an example of facial studies ive done awhile ago of my two favorite capcom guys. i took one screenshot of them each and painted them. it helps a lot to get better at drawing them (and faces in general) bc i have to be aware of what makes them look like them; the shapes of their faces, eyes, noses, mouth, eyebrows etc etc. while realism isnt really everyone's cup of tea, it isnt mine's either, but this genuinely helps a lot. it should work with other stuff like anatomy and fabric folds. i recommend trying figure sketching too if that's something you can manage.

as for resources... i dont look at a lot of those if im being honest. i just kinda look at drawing tutorials i see on twitter or here, whenever ppl put them on my tl/dashboard. but i do suggest looking at this person's profile (@/MangaMaterials2 on twitter) if you have the time, they make a lot of anatomy tutorials. i also watch this person's speedpaints (@/remarin on youtube) very often. i actually learned my shading style from watching them, and they're also very good at anatomy.

for non-public critiques, im sorry but i cant help you with that. im very busy myself and during weekdays im not home with my drawing tablet for most of the day, and that makes it very difficult for me to help anyone with critiques. im also not that good at explaining things, especially when it comes to how i draw (because i just. kinda know how to do things subconsciously? i dont actively think abt what im doing when i draw so i dont know how to describe my process). you're better off finding someone who's better at teaching :')

thank you for your kind words!! hopefully these are helpful to you!

[edenatday]

I’ve been chatting on Reddit about aphansasia and someone shared this essay with me. (Below is a screenshot that stood out)

I relate to about 90% of what he’s shared of his experience.

One thing has been vexing me when it comes to accepting that I have a very poor ability to visualise - and certainly my former friend wanted to use as a valid example to disprove I have no visual imagination. I can imagine, make up, play with lots of things in my brain. I have a rich inner world. How do I make @stupidlittledoodles if I can’t visualise?

This is how…

Milk voice = the neutral voice in your head that reminds you to buy milk. Do the dishes. Etc.

The doodles are visual mad libs. I don’t imagine images and go ooh I should draw that. I don’t see the doodle in my head as it is seen on the page. I experience concepts.

Me in my head:

- lol i bet a reverse mermaid but it’s a bloke and has a human penis would look funny.

- Lol remember that time my partner ran around the house with his dick and balls out the top of his jeans and I called it a blep and we found it hilarious.

- my cat is such a slut. She needs an only fans. Oh wait what if there was an only fans for cats. What would it be called?? Only Felines. She’d do some camming. She’d need a laptop…

They’re simple so I DONT have to spend time looking for a reference. A few are traced so I can make them quickly without too much effort to communicate the concept easily, and the touch of realism adds to the lols. I use my iPad like an accessibility tool bc it’s quicker to edit as I go than analogue sketching. They’re not meant to look realistic on the whole.

It’s interesting to me that I started these doodles as a way to move away from perfectionism & let go of realism, because all I have is realism. I can only see what’s real when I open my eyes. I cannot picture surrealism. I can gather references for the concepts of surrealism, or specific artistic techniques, or styles of artistic greats, and years of study mean I can replicate these things into creating something uniquely mine. But I don’t see the image. I judge each stroke as I go. It’s like pulling a thread.

Problem is, with stupid little doodles, my brain isn’t able to mad lib like that all the time. The ideas I get are sparked by quips in conversations, random bits between friends, jokes, maybe even vocalised visual randomness from other peoples brains, that I’m able to illustrate. I live a very solitary life these days so im not exposed to these moments often, and I miss that creativity. It only happens when I’m bouncing off other people. I’ve sat with this feeling of personal failure for a while, why don’t I do them anymore? I really love creating them. They’re like a dopamine button for me too! Maybe I’ll figure out ways to spark this part of my brain again. For now I’m choosing to focus elsewhere.

A lot of my creativity comes this way. A solitary life suits me, but doesn’t suit my creativity. I have to externalise a lot of my brain to function, so lot of my ideas are externally generated through my unique perspective human experience. I’m not sure how to describe this process entirely yet. But it’s been on my mind for a while. In order to make art I need to go out in the world and have experiences, but there’s people and things out there, so I stay in.

I’ll get back to the world soon I hope. Burnout is a bitch.

[australet789]

I’m really sorry, I was the anon who asked about marichat art. I didn’t phrase my question well, and I’m very sorry that it hurt you. I do love all of your art, not only the ladybug stuff. I just noticed you’d stepped away from the fandom and was genuinely curious about why. But if it’s not something that gives you inspiration anymore, that does make a lot of sense. (And it’s honestly not something you should have to explain, so I appreciate that you did respond.)

I’ve actually been following you for around 2(?) years or so now and your creature art has become some of my favorite on tumblr. (I love the weretober drawings so much omg but also your Creatures!!! With Fangies!!!!!)

I also read your tags and words won’t fix how you feel, but I know for a fact that your art has improved. It’s been amazing seeing the changes in style you’ve gone through and your digital painting technique is freakin *chef kiss*. Not to mention your anatomy sketches are actually breathtaking. Seriously, I’ve used them as reference for my own practice because they were better than my art teacher’s. (I don’t post them anywhere or use them for assignments, just for practice at home and they’ve helped a LOT.)

Really though, I am so sorry for being insensitive and I hope that you have a better day/night.

Thank you for reaching out and trying to explain what you actually meant with your question. Sadly, it wont change the feelings i had that day but i do accept the apology.

And yes, i have stepped aside from the fandom because of all the salt that the show doesn't deserve. And when i tried to defend it i only get insults (twitter) or people dismissing that i love the show and i want to talk about it in a good way instead of always "critics" (discord. Happened in 2 servers of one i was kicked out)

I do love the show and Marichat is still my number 1 OTP. I still make liveblogs and some commentary and/or shitposts. But i will draw when i have inspo for it. Rn i prefer doing creatures or animals (The Lion King specifically) than humans/romantic stuff because so far the only ideas i have is Marinette/Chat hugging it out and comforting each other and there's just enough poses of hugs that i can use lol and there's you know, that whole thing about feeling i have been forgotten by the fandom even tho like half of my digital works are just Marichat or ML related.

And thank you for the compliment about my art style even tho i still feel like it's shit lol. Eye of the beholder, they say, right? I still need to work over my self deprecation. Im glad some of my works helped you.

And to cut this short so i wont bother people with the lenght of this answer: again i appreciate and accept your apology. It means a lot. Dont belittle yourself anymore for it. What's done is done and now you know better. And so do i.

I hope you have a good nice day/night too

[smutav]

Behind the scenes

Part ( 1 - 2 - 3 - here )

oh boy the characters!! Part 4!! the final one for the good at being bad collab assets We’re mostly going to focus on the building of the vagabond since with his hair he just has more bits to him ((if youve seen my character building streams this might be familiar))

so this is the buildup of the base sketches ((his face is still there the facepaint is on the overlay layer so it blocks it out mostly))

also here’s his shirt design w the original sketch without anything blocking it

there still tends to be slight differences when the build gets finished

granted I cant go in depth on all his bits since theres a lot

but since his bangs are chunky i had to build him an actual hairlins which is the first time i did this

((ignore that he got crooked I wound up playing while thinking of what i should focus on))

so normally i have hair layers on top of the base head but since its a tight bound ponytail I just have the back of the hair and then the green cuts out of the skull oh!! and its controlled by deformers

so the bottom moves where the hairline is and the top one can adjust the zone thats cut

now i’ve done a few jackets, mad kings whole upper body toppings are wild I dont even know if i fully get how it works anymore like here let me show you a spoiler of a thing im working on currently ((08/16/2020)) 

he going to be holding things this is VERY rough. so you see that arm?? thats half detached??

thats because of this motherfucker “oh tav why is it red?” well you see its disabled “well why would you do that is that the problem” oh ho ho,,,

if its on HE DONT HAVE AN UPPER ARM now why,,, why would that be?? well the collar cuts the sleeve right?? i guess?? i dont know why??

so this whole thing ((even tho most of it isnt visible)) is cutting the sleeve but verily!! we just need to make it so then it cuts from AFTER the collar is being cut

so thats the entire jacket,,, 

ah yes progress. honestly i’ll probably have some solution for this specific scenario and have this animation posted by the time this part comes out which is why i included the date.

so we’ve got a bunch of confusing cutters and such in the jackets and back to vagabond

his jacket is split left and right, the collar is a separate piece but they can both be effected by the same deformer ((which is something i learned from the fish

so the collar moves with the jacket woo!! an incredible win!!and if the top one stays straight normally it doesnt mess with lining up with the back collar too bad

this is our full lineup though

((yeah vagabonds posed from me playing shush)) now GAVINS arms i think are a bit long?? but its hard to tell because THE BOY DONT GOT LEGS

also i tried a similar collar trick, this cutter cuts the shirt but also can move the collar

with mixed results ((really i think if i add some deformers specifically for the tips of the collar but gavin will only deserve touch ups like this when he gets legs

also under the hood he has the same hairline cutter

and his bangs are in three parts for floof control also he’s the first character i rigged with an actual nose

and his shirt is very lumpy but its separate because its supposed to be tucked into his pants and those’ll be able to sit over. I set him up with like the intention of if need be i can give him legs

now Rimmy tim is very interesting since,,, ive rigged him before

there are some differences right off the back like colours and uh, fahc rimmy tims sunglasses are gradiented side to side?? I straight up forgot how to fix that and now i remember so maybe it’ll be added to the fix list

And tiny tim has the same style of jacket as mad king ((see that was a totally relevant tangent)) and big rims got the same style as vagabond

there used to be some fixes i needed to do with tiny tims hat but I actually went through a lot of my notes before moving because i had to start fresh with my stickies

the main issue is since tiny tim’s got just *the smallest* legs his boots cut into bending his leg too far and thats why im not sure i can use him as much its very limited mobility altho aesthetically those booooots *sob*

Thanks for reading this through though, its been fun to break down my processes and if you’d like to see more I could probably do breakdowns on some other projects/rigs in the future so let me know!!

now here’s the bonus i teased in the props part, originally i was intending to release this as a bonus context but i never got past the sketch stage

I had trouble figuring out a style for fahc since i hadnt drawn them much before so i doodled up a jeremy and rimmy tim filling the duffelbags im going to toss it under the cut because its slightly nsfw

yeah they got bags of dildos ((well over the legal limit)) it was needed for the plan of course this is a fahc heist after all

[calcifior]

this is originally from my curiouscat but i thought i’d share it here too if anyone is interested!

how do you do color?? i have so much trouble with colors and lineart, and i know that i should be trying to figure it out on my own but it’s always nice to get advice from more established artists. i really love your art!! thank you so much for sharing it with us <3<3

honestly my colouring is a bit all over the place. i used to have a very strict order of 1. sketch 2. lineart 3. flat base 4. flat colours 5. shading. i dont stick to that religiously anymore but it definitely is a very great place to start and get more comfortable (although for sure not the only way!!) i still use that rough order minus the base step but i tend to go back and forth a bit more, and i try to include colours i think work well together overall! im not really qualified, so you can take these with a grain of salt, but here are a few tips that might help if you wanna be more loose with colouring: - find a good brush (or more) that you're comfortable using. you might have one already, or it might be a bit of a journey, but being comfortable with your tools is something that is often really understated. also! don't give up on brushes if they dont work out immediately, and in my experience, never delete a brush unless you're really scrounging for extra storage because you don't know when it might come in handy. i linked the brush i use here  - practice with different colouring palettes! i did this a lot starting out and it really helped me! other colour related things i found helpful were basic colour theory tutorials as well as light/shadow tutorials (for example, in realistic lighting, if the lighting is warm, the shadows will be cool and vice versa). because colouring something to make it look how you want is surprisingly complex and difficult, technical knowledge can really improve your overall colouring! - try colouring with realism (still lifes etc), even if it's not your style. just like the above tip, technical knowledge is great because knowing how colours realistically look on a face can make even the most caricatured styles more believable! - finally, don't be too precious with anything you do. this in particular was super difficult for me at first, but sometimes things just aren't working out and you will have to start from scratch. that's okay! delete the layer, paint over the lineart, whatever you have to do is ok. worst case i always duplicate layers before i merge or severely alter them and keep them in a separate folder, but 99/100 times i don’t end up needing them. step out of your comfort zone, i promise it'll pay off! sorry this got super long and ramble-y, but i hope it helped at least a little bit! thank you so much for supporting my art!!❤️

[lightningbuck]

1 - 100 ;-) p.s.: suck my board bitch

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?More milk

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?No

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?Pens

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I don’t drink coffee and i take my tea without sugar or milk or anything

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Yes

6: do you keep plants? Uh yeah

7: do you name your plants? No

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Apparently cooking and baking is a artistic medium too, so yeah that one

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? Yes

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Eh it differs

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? du bis so süß memmed

12: what’s your favorite planet? Pluto

13: what’s something that made you smile today? I to think about a cute message i’ve gotten from someone

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? I think it just would be messy af tbh

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! “If you fell into a black hole, you would stretch like spaghetti.”

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? Pasta with tomato sauce and vegetables

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Maybe blonde or dark brown again idk

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. I dont remember anything

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I have kind of a sketch book where i practice drawing

20: what’s your favorite eye color? Green

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. I don’t have any bags that i love to pieces

22: are you a morning person? Depends

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Lay in bed and read fanfictions or watch movies

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Uhm i don’t actually know

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? I’ve never broken into anything

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? I think my black converse

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? I dont eat bubblegum

28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? I cant think of anything 💃🏼

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Yes

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. What the fuck is a white sock hell

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Sooo i slept at my friends house and we were sleeping in the same bed an in the middle of the night she hit me on the head bc she didnt know what was laying next to her

33: what’s your fave pastry? Croissants

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? I had a pink rabbit that i just called rabbit and i lost it at a hotel, i was devastated

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? Uh yes and yes

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? 1D, always every day

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Clean but its always messy

38: tell us about your pet peeves!-homophobic, sexists, and non-feminist people,..-when people don’t let other people finish speaking-being rude in general

39: what color do you wear the most? Black

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? Well i was gifted a necklace with a little anchor on it on christmas once and i wear it everyday :-)

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? Harry Potter(all books)

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!Don’t have one43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Uuuh my dad when i was a kid i think

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? Idk lol

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Yes

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. I only have good puns

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Licorice

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Its the darkness

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? I like it very much the last one was “Too weird to live, Too rare to die”

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? I dont collect anything

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? Blink-182 - First Date

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? That one women shouting the lyrics

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? Never watched it

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? Idk tbh

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? I cant think of anything

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? Their smile

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? I did dramatically sing the lyrics 💃🏼

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? Tbh i dont even know

59: what’s your favorite myth? Idk

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? Sometimes i see poetry on my dash and think ayeee thats pretty nice

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? I once gifted someone memes

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? Only drink water

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? I just put my books and cd in my shelf

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Light blue

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? My cousin

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Only daisies

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Idk what

68: what’s winter like where you live? It doesnt snow that often anymore :-(

69: what are your favorite board games? Uuh idk

70: have you ever used a ouija board? No

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? Just fruit tea

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? Yes

73: what are some of your worst habits? Uff i think procrastinating

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. I love their relationship with their partner bc their all cute together and their are one of my best friends uh yeah

75: tell us about your pets! My cat always scratches me :-(

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? I should pack my stuff

77: pink or yellow lemonade? Never had pink one

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? Idc

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Just when people say “i love you to me” thats very cute

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Beige and i think i chose it idk

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

82: are/were you good in school? I’m alright

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? Tbh the album art of Harry Styles album just perfectly sums up my aesthetic

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I’d love to have lyrics

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? Dont read it

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? What are concept albums lol

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?Tbh Harry Potter ayeee 🤷🏼‍♀️

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? No

89: are you close to your parents? Could be closer

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Tbh i dont have a favorite city

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? I dont eat cheese with pasta

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?Just open hair

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Uhm my best friend i thinj

95: what are your plans for this weekend? Meeting my cousin and going to my nephews birthday

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? Procrastinate

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? Infp, leo, hufflepuff

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? I dont enjoy it

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.I wont mind - ZaynBackseat Serenade

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Wouldnt press any of them

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal!

i had an off day today. i woke up early, showered, cut and prepared my lunch for the day, packed grapes to snack on, and was overall in a pretty good mood. i even stayed awake for the entire train ride up north and while i did run into the homeless guy again, he didnt recognize me this time. phew. but i started it off well! i did! but then i preceeded to feel very overwhelmed and I can’t tell if im just being lazy or if today was honestly an off day or what. i think it’s bc i do have a tendency to work fast in general but bc of that, i usually have a lot of free time and a lot of time for a break but today, i didnt feel like i had a break. it was just one thing after the other and all so fast! And I’ve been getting more “fire drill” requests recently where clients need something ASAP. Which haven’t been too hard. It’s just a lot to take care of I guess. And it could just be that it’s a busy season right now. But it was just today and I do feel like tomorrow will be better. I just need to come up with a few different drafts for the one pager and the company map. I’m thinking of looking into flow charts? Or an organizational map? Or maybe it’s a chart? Anyway, I did one for ITM that came out pretty nice so maybe I’ll mimic the style. I think I’m just having such a hard time bc I don’t exactly know what they want whereas my work for the clients have been pretty straightforward. 

Sometimes I wonder if I’m too “perfect” and because of that, I lack a personality.

I didn’t actually tell anyone the above thought bc I thought it’d just come off as cocky but it was an actual concern! but I don’t think it’s true, haha. I’m passionate, loyal, determined, and hardworking. I’m not as goal-oriented as I used to be and I’m a lot more open to mistakes bc I know it’s not the end of the world. I’ve been able to overcome my fear of failure and it’s been immensely helpful. Although sometimes, I do still wonder if I’m not putting my best foot forward because I’m not a perfectionist anymore and worry if I should revert to those old habits. But I was so unhappy then and I’ve been able to do a lot more now without making every draft a “perfect” draft. 

I didn’t realize the people in my class from Sa-Rang went on their road trip recently and it looks like they had a good time and I was actually not at all worried about missing out. In fact, I think if I went, it would’ve just been awkward. I’m glad theyre having a good time. I just don’t think my personality fits in with them. Everyone is so competitive and I’ve tried to play those games before and I feel like if I called them out on it, they’d just chalk it off to me overreacting and they just dont trust me bc of the game and not bc of the past. But I feel like it would be bc of the past. I just wish they’d give me a chance. I actually feel like a real, decent, valid human being with my D&D friends and co-workers and peers out here. And with them. I always felt like I tried to speak up but they would ignore me. I was a voice always unheard and it made me feel invisible and like less of a person. And it felt like a norm so whenever people did acknowledge my existence, I was so touched. So touched to know that at least someone could see me. But how sad is that? I know who I am and I know the good that I have done and I know my place in God’s Kingdom. But whenever I’m with them, everything just falls apart and I question my identity and I just really don’t want to go back and face that again. I only have a month left before I have to. I want to make the most of my time here so that I’m not so afraid when I go back there. I do need to stand my ground with them and I know that I shouldn’t be this afraid to go back to my home church but I am just so afraid of how they’d react and judge me bc they’re the people I call “home.” And if that falls apart, then what. I do have Lakeview here and I’m glad but it’s still a work in progress for sure. I also want to make sure I’m doing things to help and invest into others because I genuinely care for them and not so that they’ll be grateful and thankful towards me later. I do want to genuinely serve them. I do. And I know that I can get into my own head a lot but I do want to really care for them on a deeper level. I also worry that whenever I reach out to guys, they think I’m asking them out on a date but I’m not. I actually just perceive them as I perceive girls—as hurting people and I want to be there to help them through it. 

I have “Jessie’s Girl” stuck in my head and as catchy as it is, it’s distracting my writings.

I’m really excited to sing karaoke with my friends on Friday and I just belt out my horrible horrible voice. I am totally prepared to lose my voice, HAHA. 

I’m just really conflicted, I guess.

On the one hand, I do really want to go home and just be home and not have to worry about anything but to just be in the presence of my parents and sister and to have the opportunity to go out on more late night adventures with Andrew, Aurora, and David. Those are always fun! And admittedly, forcing hangouts with Jeanne, Grace An, Tina and David Kang were always kind of awkward and I shouldn’t force these things. If people want to hangout with me then they can hit me up. But I’m only in town for so long and I would much rather spend time with people who actually genuinely care about me. 

I’ve also been so busy with my internship and havent had time to work on my coding skills :( And I want to start designing my D&D character too! Maybe I’ll start sketching on the train tomorrow or something. 

I need to do my dishes and practice my VBS dance moves too! Hopefully Saturday? :/ I want to be prepared and ready to teach 2 more dances that I’m confident in on Sunday! And then...I’m not sure what we’ll do for the rest of the time. Maybe we can all work together on the fifth dance and just keep practicing every Sunday. I do need to make sure they can confidently dance on their own without watching me. I’m worried about one of the bigger girls because she is me. She’s not bad at dancing. She’s just not confident in her skills and I want to make sure she knows that she is seen. She is real. And valid. And so important and perfect in God’s eyes. I know I was pretty nervous last Sunday but I do want to really pray for them and be a sort of mentor figure for them. We just started training and I already love all of them so much. It was also pretty disheartening when I asked for fun facts about them and they just resorted to being a PK, as if that’s all they’re good for when in reality, they are so much more than that. I can understand why and how I got and get left out a lot more now. I’m that bigger girl bc she wasnt as enthusiastic or excited. She was just shy and quiet. And I feel like there have been moments when I’ve been really enthusiastic but no one else agreed with me and I ended up just being the odd one out and felt like such an outsider and like I didn’t belong. :/ I want to really do my best and try my hardest. I do.

I’m also worried that by the time I come back during August, I won’t have grown that much and nothing will feel like it’s changed. I’m just trying to prepare and think as much as I can until then. I almost don’t want to go home at all. I’m so scared that what awaits me is just me feeling like I don’t belong. At first I was sad that I’ll only be home for a few weeks but now I’m thinking that’s all I can handle. I am so afraid that I won’t have grown or learned enough. So much happened this past year that it feels like nothing happened at all. I struggled with alcoholism, depression, anxiety, I lost Marlena and Jakob, I made new friends like Sara and Evelyn too. I had trouble coming to terms with my dad’s mom’s death, my mom’s dad’s death, my whole family dying and everything we own being burned to a crisp. All of my family members and friends getting seriously injured and everything they know and love being destroyed in a great blaze. And hardest of all, I had to come to terms with the very real reality of Robbin passing away and honestly, I still can’t fully believe it. I think once I see his grave again, I’ll actually begin to fully accept it. I really still can’t believe that happened and that’s definitely been the most impactful part of this past year. I knew that this year would be tough but I thought in terms of persecution and that’s something I overcame. I didn’t care about how others would judge me at church or on the streets anymore because I know who I am in God’s eyes. Or at least I’m trying to learn my worth in them. But this? This was on a whole different level. I went home in February for the weekend to attend Robbin’s funeral. I know it was so expensive but it was so worth it be there. It was much needed closure. I remember seeing my dad cry on our way from the airport to his mom’s place. We were both so upset, knowing what a great person Robbin was and how short his life was. He was ten years older than me when he passed away. It’s been over five months, nearly six, since he had a heart attack and I just. Sigh. I really miss you Robbin and I am so sorry that I didn’t do more for you while you were still here. I know it wasn’t my fault but I still can’t help but feel partly responsible and wonder if anything would have changed had I said something. I know what depression feels like and it sucks and I could’ve been there for him but I wasn’t. 

But anyways,

I’m here now and I am doing good. I know I am. I am happy that I can. I need to stop procrastinating and be more pro-active and get everything done sooner so that I have more time to relax and not have to worry about things to do the next day. I don’t even feel like typing anymore but I’m not tired either. I might just watch videos because might as well. I’m really not in the mood to shower or was dishes. At least tomorrow is my last day for the week! Woo! I could just take care of those things tomorrow, I suppose. Sigh. I know I shouldn’t be lazy and I definitely have the means and ability to get up and do these things and just get it over with my but I’m really not in the mood. I just want to lay on the floor and cry and wallow in my sorrow. Sigh. 

On a brighter note, I saw the Incredible 2 yesterday with Tykira and Jordan and it was so good! I predicted the plot pretty early on so I was worried that that would be the whole movie so I was pleasantly surprised when it wasn’t! C:

I read some old posts in the Guat Squad group the other day while looking for old VBS dance moves and I told Judy that I missed everyone. But honestly, I don’t know if I do. I posted so many times and was so excited to post about reminders and I honestly did trust them and have a good time but not everyone, I guess. Even on the mission field, I was a lot more comfortable talking to Judy, Grace, and Gladys than anyone else on the team. There were moments during training where they did acknowledge me and I felt accepted and like I belonged but for the majority of the time, I don’t think I actually really got along with them. I need to stop trying so hard to fit in and just saying what everyone else is saying and speak the truth instead. It might be “not the right move” but it’s much better to be me and honest than to spend so long trying so hard to fit into a group that will never accept me anyway. I think this is a new goal that I should be working towards. Using my observations to just be blunt and straightforward and honest. I think I’ve been doing a pretty good job doing that with my family and P. Josh so far. I just can’t be afraid to be honest to those around my age either. 

I also need to stop judging people for being wealthy and well off. And also for complaining or being greedy or doing a better job at fitting in than I do. I’ve been really frustrated towards Jane recently bc I feel like she just complains all the time and tries so hard to fit in and it annoys me so much bc I try to fit in too. So why does it work for her but not for me? And maybe it’s because I’m fat or not as pretty. Maybe it’s because of what happened in the past. But regardless, I am here. And I want to be unapologetically me.