#i dont need to be so scared actually!! of everything!! i will simply adapt to the hardships and appreciate the good things

[dykedragons]

whats up fuckers i got a job lined up for when schools out lets fucking goooooooooo!!!!!!

[yellowbluemoonshine]

About A School of Good and Evil

I watched this movie yesterday and despite not really being ‘gray story’, it still caught me and make me continue because of dear protagonists of the movie. The relationship between Sophie and Agatha is one of the sweetest thing i’ve ever seen.

*Be carefull for the spoilers for movie and book*

(When i heard those names, first thing came to my mind was Sophie and Agatha from Witch Hat Ateiler, lol and both series is about witches so it was weird but anyway.)

Ok, i do know that this movie is adaptation of its book (Btw, i really like the drawing and painting of book) and they changed a lot. Such as Sophie and Agatha is twins sisters, Sophie is actually ‘meaner’ in book etc etc. But i honestly dont care about the book because i think movie is kinda better, not everything but some part of it.

For example;

There is this consisting writing in many stories that ‘if a girl acts fake, which means they are evil.’ meanwhile ‘tsundere, rude girl is actually honest and sincere so they are good’. I mean, i get the point here but thats is not that simple. We are living in a society where we are supposed to act like ‘certain normal way’, we all pretend at some point. Not because we are evil but because we are scared of being rejected or judged by other people, sometimes, it is for survival. I am not saying that its heathy behavour, it is unhealthy but still, it definitely doesnt make people bad and people who just say whatever they think in their mind with the name of ‘honesty’, they are far more awfull than person showing ‘fake kindness’ to not be disliked. Because one of them act fake because they are scared, other one is simply just doesnt care about what other people thinks. Of course, this is not always the case but most of the time, this is the case. Because people are people. This is why i kinda dislike this type of writing. This is why i like movie version better than book version.

I dont really have problem with book Agatha, it seems similar anyway (kinda like book Agatha apperance better cause she looks more like witch but while movie Sophia’s apperance fits better to story, i thnk) but well, i like Movie Sophie far better. She is literally my favorite character cause of the way she was written and i think it fits better to plot cause people are just people. Apperantly, in book, those girls are written as beatifull girl with ugly heart and ugly girl with beatifull heart but in movie, they BOTH were good girls with opposite personalities and apperances.

Sophie is girly girl who care about her apperance, she has manners, she is in love with fairy tale stories and she wants to be like one so that she can be ‘special’, just like her dead mother told her. She wants to be rich, special and i think there is nothing wrong with that. She has just immature way of looking world which is understandable since she doesnt like her current life. Even later her realizing that she is already special without ever needing to have ‘fairy tale story’ life, that she learns to be okay with normal life.

Meanwhile, Agatha is more like tough girl. She has more realistic and mature world view. She is rude and couldnt care less about what others think about her. She is fine as long as she has her mother and her dear friend. She doesnt have much expectations from world, she just goes with it. She also has her own taste (ghost stories etc).

Even the way they met with each others is so sweet.They both are outcasts, despite being so different. Because they are both ‘weirdos’ for others. Sophie cause she lives in dreamworls and Agatha cause she looks like a witch. But they have each others.

Honestly, this writing far better than its book so i would like to see this one as original.

And i personally didnt like the ‘romance’ in movie. Not saying that straight relationship shouldnt happen but i just didnt like the relationship between Tedros and Agatha. Not the ‘you are not like the other girls’ talk, ooof. If Sophie was gonna be together, it should’ve been with someone who loves him (not the evil x evil bullsht cause i think she is good). And if Agatha was gonna be with someone, i wish it was Gregor because they fit better. He could be her prince but they made mr charming as main male protagonist cause well, it is. (Dont get me wrong, i think Tedros is fine guy, he might be really good guy, i just didnt like their so called romance).

And another thing i dont like about both movie and book is that all that ‘nothing is black and white or good and evil’ conversation only to end up with ‘well they are evil and we are good so’ which is condracts with itself. It could’ve written a lot better.

I could literally watch whole show about Sophie and Agatha’s adventures, movie felt short, well, it has book for a reason but since i didnt like the way book continue and handled its story, i just like the movie.

And romantic or not, i dont care, Sophie x Agatha forever, they should be together. They are each other’s true love no matter what.

[autistic-lalli]

I dont know how to properly frame my question, but autistic!lalli has always been a headcanon I readily claimed as canon in my heart because it MAKES PERFECT SENSE in my brain. But besides me, what I'd like to ask is what traits/habits/behaviors Lalli has that immediately clicked to you that he was autistic? Or showed that he was? Like, gush to me about them

(this is mainly so I can get better at writing him and also because I'm curious to know! Actually, SLAP me with EVERYTHING about Lalli, if you can 😂 I'd love to actually know everything)

This topic was also requested by @the-story-isnt-over-yet ! This post is for both y’all :)

I’m going to try to keep this organized, but we’ll see how successful I am. First up, I’ll talk through Lalli’s general traits, then the traits I picked out quickly and resonated with, and then I’ll touch on a couple other things that stand out to me!

Sensory Experience

Lalli repeatedly displays sensory-avoiding and sensory-seeking behaviors. He likes soft textures and sweets—he picks himself up a big ol’ fluffy cloak in Adventure 2, and his mind conjures him a nice and soft one in his dreamspace, and we all know how he feels about pastries. He’s always willing to eat sweets and breads, which suggests that Lalli has samefoods as well (samefoods are like a comfort food, but taken up to eleven; foods that always sound good, sometimes to the point that they’re the only thing an autistic person can eat.) It’s just a single line, but where Lalli tells Emil that he hates blueberries, it makes me think of a very specific picture (I’ll link it later if I can find it.) Blueberries, and other fruit, don’t taste the same every time! Some are sweet, some are sour, some are mushy, some are grainy, and some are juicy. When you don’t know what to expect from a food, this makes it hard to want to eat it, even if some aspect of the flavor is good.

But I digress! One thing that I resonated with right away with Lalli is that he clearly has sensitive proprioceptive awareness. That just means the sense of where your body is in space. When Lalli sleeps or hides under a bunk or table, he’s reducing his sensory input. Being in a small space is comforting because there’s less space to be aware of.

Lalli is also sensitive to touch, which is a fairly easy trait to spot. He doesn’t like the friendly punches the crew delivers, and even balks at Emil’s touch when he’s upset. There are exceptions, but those exceptions come at times when Lalli is calm and expecting the touch to occur.

And sound! Lalli doesn’t like loud sounds, in particular loud people (sorry, Sigrun.) This is a great place to talk about Lalli’s shutdowns. We don’t see Lalli experience meltdowns, but he does have a shutdown a couple times. Shutdowns are a response to stress and sensory overload. It looks different for everyone, and since it’s internal, it’s hard to tell how exactly Lalli’s shutdowns run. However, we see him cover his ears to block out sound and hum (“mrr!”) in order to calm himself down. He’s just trying to regulate his sensory experience. His humming is also an example of vocal stimming.

Social Difficulties

Lalli definitely has social difficulties, but it can be hard to tell which difficulties are due to the language barrier and which are due to his brain chemistry. But! Paying attention to the first part of the story, when he’s with all Finnish-speakers, as well as the dream sequences can really help us hone in on those traits.

Lalli, in general, doesn’t understand other people beyond what they say. He doesn’t understand body language or sarcasm—he doesn’t get why everyone’s punching him, he doesn’t know when Tuuri’s joking and when she’s serious, and he stares at Emil because he’s curious about him and doesn’t realize it’s impolite. He doesn’t notice when Emil is rude and doesn’t understand social scripts like saying “thank you” and “you’re welcome.” When he wants to express approval or comfort, he gives a soft pat to the other person. More touch than that might be too much for him, but he does want to express something, and pats are an excellent tool in that way.

Lalli’s inability and/or refusal to learn or use the crew member’s names also gives us insight to how Lalli faces social conundrums. To him, everyone else is more distinguishable by the epithets he gives them—their names don’t mean anything. It’s like naming someone “flower delivery guy” in your phone contacts instead of “Greg.”

Lalli also isn’t easily frightened. The only times we see him be really afraid is when someone he loves is in immediate mortal danger. The everyday stuff like trolls and omens don’t scare him, which is certainly in part just because he’s used to these things. Trolls and spirits are an everyday part of his life. But an unusual lack of fear is a common autistic experience as well, so I suspect it goes beyond Lalli’s accustomation.

Other Traits

A couple other things that didn’t fit into either of the former categories! First of all, the rubik's cube. That’s just autistic solidarity. Emil picked up a stim toy for his bf, we love to see it.

But also, Lalli relies a lot on his routine. That’s probably why the military, and scouting in particular, suited him. He has his own personal routine that is the same day in and day out. He tries to keep a routine on the expedition, but isn’t able to, which increases the amount of stress he’s under. Nothing is predictable, which automatically makes everything more stressful.

Relationships

I also think the dynamics of Lalli’s different relationships are super interesting and really highlight some things that aren’t often covered in media with autistic characters. It’s super heartbreaking the way Onni and Tuuri don’t seem to understand Lalli. Tuuri especially doesn’t understand why Lalli does the things he does, and doesn’t seem to make any effort to understand, which is sadly a common experience for many autistic people.

On the other hand, Emil’s reactions are the complete opposite. As I put it to a friend once, Emil often makes mistakes with Lalli, but he never crosses the same boundary twice. He lets Lalli have agency in their relationship. If Lalli has a boundary that inconveniences Emil, he doesn’t complain about it, he simply adapts. Lalli has very specific needs in his relationships, needs that are both unusual and difficult for him to communicate, so it’s far easier for him to just default to being a loner.

Me & Lalli

On a personal level, I have a whole lot of these traits. I stim with soft things, I’m sensitive to sound, I tend to be hypersensitive with my proprioceptive sense, I had to intentionally teach myself to read body language (I work as a theatre artist, which helped a lot,) I’m not easily frightened, I’m sensitive to touch and sound, and I certainly struggle socially. Furthermore, I actually had an untreated sleep disorder until about a year and a half ago, so I deeply resonated with Lalli’s chronic exhaustion.

Truth be told, I headcanoned Lalli as autistic from his introductory card, and I knew he was autistic within ten pages. Chronically exhausted and doesn’t know what’s going on? Mine now.

The Autism Metaphor

I talk about this some in my autism and superpowers post, but I really love that Lalli is both autistic and is living an autistic metaphor. It’s not uncommon for characters who can see or sense other things (ghosts, spirits, emotions, danger, etc.) to read as autistic, because that’s what autism often feels like. Our sensory experience is so distinct and we are so aware of it that it can feel like a superpower at times--in a good way and in a bad way. We’re living in a sensory world that a lot of neurotypical people don’t understand. Furthermore, these kinds of powers or sensitivities usually come with an isolating social impact in these stories, which only strengthens the metaphor for autism.

But Lalli has both actual autism and is a mage. He sees spirits and omens and can sense when trolls are near, and also is sensitive to sounds and doesn’t like to be touched. These things aren’t related to one another, but they all read as being in the same category, which both deepens the metaphor and makes him really interesting as an autistic character.

This is also why Onni readily reads as autistic as well. We don’t have as much direct evidence for him, and in many ways his trauma seems to run much deeper than it does in Lalli and Tuuri, so it’s hard to separate out what’s a trauma response and what’s an autistic response. Overall, I’m quite a fan of “no Hatakoinen is neurotypical,” but that’s a post for another day ;)

I’ll also be posting a panel or two of an instance where Lalli is displaying an autistic trait each day for the month of April!

[zafeiria-an]

HTGAWM: Hogwarts Houses

ANNALISE KEATING

 Annalise, portreyed by the one and only Viola Davis, has been holding the whole show in her fingers as if its a puppet. The character of Annalise is so courageous and inspiring everytime she stood up at the court to defend anyone and herself too as she emits tones of emotion to the viewer of the show. (Especially the last episode court that she started talking about her self)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYEAHjNId5Y&ab_channel=ABC

 However lets not forget the fact that she managed to cover up and get away with murders galore and save her students and family as well. The whole show is based on covering those murders so i believe that Annalise would be sorted in Ravenclaw since she is truly inteligent to actually get away with murder and teache her stedents to do so as well.

  MICHAELA PRATT

Such power, been through hell and back since she was tiny and yet she managed to become what she became completely on her own as she had absoloutely nobody to support her. Michaella almost sacrificed her so wanted future carreer at Caplan and Gold to avenge the death of  Wes just so Laurel and baby Chris could live in peace. Therefore, in the end she turned on everyone picking her own self betraying her so called friends.

 To sum up i believe she belongs to Slytherin because she has always been ambitious, a perfectionist and determined to her goal which a. was not to get in jail and b. to succeed. As she is ready to fullfill them at all costs.

  CONNOR WALSH

Connor has been a weird character from the very begining with tones of ups and downs but in the end he did what he did only for Oliver's well being and protection. He was more than simply guilty when Wes died and tried everything in order to gain Laurel's forgiveness. Mr. Walsh never stopped trying to protect himself the same way he made efforts to protect himself. For example he had been trying to close a better deal for both himself and Michaela untill the very end and he told Ollie that he doesnt love him so as he would move on and forget him.

 To be frank (you got the pun there ehhh), i am still not sure where he actually belongs. He is for sure daring, brave and confident but his actions also reveal extreme loyalty to his friends, hard work and dedication. Yet again he was willing to play his head to help his friends bury a body, reveal a massive sabotage and also protect them. Connor deserves Gryffindor!!!

  LAUREL CASTILLO

As far as i am concerned Laurel had the biggest glow up in the show. Starting off as a sweet and silent girl and ending up as a responsible woman with priorities she got the screen time she deserved  after season 2. Pregnancy and Wes' end changed her character critcally as she abruptly grew into avenging setting in trouble not only herself but her friends as well just so she gives justice to her love's soul. Laurel had the best timing ever as when needed she snatched her child and left without setting anyone in danger this time.

 All in all, Laurel would be sorted in Gryffindor since she is brave enough to leave so she protects her child, chivalous since she had the guts to go against her father to avenge Wes (dont say she put her friends into it. Michaela could say no). Confident to work while pregnant as Bonnies internship.

   ASHER MILLSTONE

Asher Millstone looked like a really annoying character during the first seasons but he turned out to be the sweetest of them all. He was so caring, sweet and friendly towards his friends and girlfriend. Asher betrayed his family for his friends when he thought it was right and did the opossite as well always to protect the ones that were loyal to him just like he was. He was dedicated in whatever he did and never mistreated anyone who didnt deserve. He has been so dedicated to their little crew.

 In conclusion, Asher is a straight away Hufflepuff. He was loyal to Michaela even though she was pushing him away and was seeing Gabriel. He was trying to help them even when he was considered a traitor.

  FRANK DELFINO

Frank has been one weird and cyclothimic character. He looks so vicious after season one when we know about what he did. At first i didnt like the way he was interacting with everyone but after season 4 he proved me wrong as he tried to take responsibility of Christopher and be his father and when he saw Laurel  was too stuck on the past and didnt want him, he went to Bonnie whom he didnt let down.

 Frank has been maybe the most loyal and dedicated person inside their little gang. He wasnt afraid to get his hands in blood if it meant rescueing his family which shows really hard work, the hardest anyone did. So i guess Huffleuff it is.

   BONNIE WINTERBOTTOM

Dearest Bon Bon, sure i did not like her at first but she turned out to be a really awesome character. Been through hell and in the end she didnt betray her friends (*coughs* Michaela). She never hesitated to do what's right or what needed to save her family. Bonnie always had the guts to fix things and take innitiatives and risks that could help. She is not scared of responsibility.

 Bonnie is brave to take advantage of her thesis benefits, she seizes oportunitys and has really strong morals even though she tends to get a bit off... well she human isnt she. To sum up she is a straight Gryffindor girl!!

  OLIVER HAMPTON

Ollie is one of my favourite characters ever. He is so loyal and dedicated that he actually comitted felonies for the love of his life. He never cared if it was morally good or bad if it was to protect Connor or his friends. He adapted so quickly into the way things were and faced everything like he was from the very beginning with them. He never hesitated a moment as he actually risked as well his Caplan and Gold by stealing the Castillos.

 I believe he is a straight Hufflepuff with a lot of Ravenclaw hints. He is hardworking into helping everyone at the Keating business. He has been so faithful since ever he realised he was part of the team. I just wuv him!! <3

  WES GIBBINS

Wes... he is truly focused on his goal which has been a different thing throughout his protagonistic screen time. He didn't care how he just wanted to learn what was up about his mother, about Rebbeca. He sacrificed he doesn't hesitate to show his dislikeness towards Annalise who supported him since episode one. And basically thats what gave him the end he got.

 Ambitious, focused on his goals and only his goals, valiant when needed. Ruthless towards the ones who deserved it and he also knows how to use his inteligence as a weapon towards others so he is obviously a Slytherin.

[lnarizakis]

ranking haikyuu!! schools based on their school spirit

before you grill me with my rankings please know that i! love! all! of! these! schools! equally! i do not hate any particular school; i am simply ranking their school spirit. this is also lowkey crack because what everyone said made me laugh and honestly i came up with this idea for the laughs. so, like, don’t take this personally.

thanks everyone who helped participate by filling out the google form!! everything you’ve said i used in this. we will be going from last place to first place, so let’s start!! btw i ranked 11 schools into 10 places, so there are two 10th placers HAHAH anywayssss

10: ITACHIYAMA, NOHEBI

Alright, so let’s start with Itachiyama. I got one person who mentioned them in my last category, which was “any other school i didn’t mention? & why” and honestly we don’t know anything about them. But perhaps the mere fact that they were winners says something I guess?

❝ itachiyama bc the school are WINNER WINNERS i wanna see their hype ❞

❝ i’m sorry who ,,,, i deadass don’t know that team eye— are they from the last season ???? if so that’s why LMAOSNAKBS WAIT IS THIS GERMAPHOBES TEAM ??? THOSE NEON PISS PUKE LOOKING BOYS SOSNSJNSJDHS bro i’d drop tf out of that school if they gave me that ugly ass uniform OH MY GOD WHAT DOES THIER SCHOOL UNIFORM LOOK LIKE SKBAIABSJS BRO IMAGINE ❞ (about Nohebi but referring to Itachiyama)

Moving onto Nohebi: their tactics, as we’ve seen in the OVA, aren’t the most...... ethical. Though, they’re still supported by their cheering section so I guess it’s fine by their entire school?

❝ From what I recall, the schools pretty implicit in the teams techniques so at the very least they take pride or believe in the teams tactics enough to support them. ❞

❝ they be cheating >:( ❞

❝ nohebi scares me for no reason❞

Despite this, they’re still a team that shows solid support for one another.

❝ support all teams because all of them could trash me if it came down to it ❞

❝ they have fighting spirit alright but i just don't approve of their methods❞

❝ their stage play SLAPPED ❞

9: WAKUTANI

Okay, the team as a whole shows support for one another, especially their captain, Takeru. However, from what I recall, there’s not much... school spirit coming from their actual school. From Takeru’s family? Definitely, but they’re not the actual school.

❝ wasnt wakutani pretty good i don’t remembee ❞

❝ wakutani - a solid 8 ❞

❝ wakutani south because takeru’s family carried the cheer period ❞

8: JOHZENJI

Their whole team radiates spirit, but I don’t remember if they actually have a cheering section. Unlike Wakutani, where most of their spirit/support came directly from Takeru, each one of the members of the team had their own school spirit. Their school spirit isn’t that recognizable to be remembered by most people, though.

❝ a six cause i don’t really remember if their school was even there like ???? all i remember is baby teru and his fellow goofball second years that i absolutely adore, i am them. LMAO if i were to— fuck how do you spell realistic THERE SINSNSJ if i were to realistically join one of the haikyuu schools it would be johzenji cause i just vibe with those boys so much ksbsksj no brain cell squad ❞

❝ they ARE the spirit ❞

❝ not serious enough askdjsa ❞

❝ they appeared onc but even when they wanted to win, they just wanted to win to play around? there's that i guess ❞

❝ i don’t remember ❞

❝ I don’t remember much about them tbh ❞

❝ well... ❞

7: KARASUNO

Much apologies to the OG team. For one thing, their cheering squad, while I must admit is very impressive and loud, is not Karasuno High School itself. It’s literally coposed of a bunch of outside associations. And when their cheering section from the actual school does show up, they’re not even synchronized; they practiced for one day and called it “school spirit.” They showed up for one match and that was it.

❝ did you see them at the shiratorizawa match? they weren’t even synchronized ❞

❝ they mean to their vb team and they had a wack ass cheer team but character development ❞

❝ chaotic good but crows ❞

❝ mmmm we don't see too much of the school rlly apart from the vbc,, but what we do see is pretty supportive ❞

❝ LMAO remember during the first season when the school REUSED an old banner for the boys but not only was it a old banner but a banner for a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT sport yea lmao that’s just fucked up jsjsj also i don’t really see that much school spirit like ???? no taste at all ❞

I guess their school spirit within the team, their fighting spirit, makes up for it. Again, my greatest apologies to Karasuno. You can do much better than that.

❝ The way the whole school came out to support the vbc before the shiratorizawa match,,, I love them so much!! Also Saeko coming in with a DRUM TEAM for the Inarizaki match,,, like they’re so so supportive and Karasuno’s not a rich school like Shiratorizawa, it doesn’t have a highly ranked band like Inarizaki but like the team itself they’re plucky and do the best they can with what they’ve got. ❞

❝ They have the most dedication to me ❞

❝ they're so supportive of each other and very chaotic, all of them ❞

❝ kageyama tobio could get some !! ❞

6: NEKOMA

Honestly, I had a hard time choosing whether to put Karasuno or Nekoma in sixth place. I went with Nekoma because of Kuroo’s “inspirational” pep talk, which really shows the bond between each of the members of the team, but they’re still ranked pretty low because I can’t get that one scene out of my head from the manga where it’s this one match (I won’t say which one) where students from Nekoma attend the match and a couple of them go, “Wow, this is my first volleyball match that I’ve been to!” Like, dude, seriously? Wow. They also take sixth since their cheering squad, also composed of students, is led by a Nekoma Junior High student. We love supportive sisters.

❝ stage play cheer stage play cheer stage play cheer stage play cheer ❞

❝ i just love nekoma ❞

❝ chaotic good but cats ❞

❝ kuroo tetsurou ❞

❝ deadass it’s 2 am and i have no idea what i’m doing but anyways 7/10 cause i like their stage song/cheer ya know NEKO NEKO NEKOMA like it’s cute ksjsjs besides that i have no idea LMAO ❞

❝ they're very subtle even tho they have chaotic moments, they're more focused on defense while playing ❞

❝ Some of them really care and some dont ❞

❝ they’re all so into it! Like, Akane with the megaphone, Alisa screaming Lev’s name, they’re all pretty devoted. ❞

5: FUKURŌDANI

I would have ranked them a little higher if it weren’t for other more spirited schools. The whole school knows how to hype up Bokuto, along with cheers of their own. The team itself knows each member so well that they’re able to adapt to whatever their ace is feeling.

❝ stage play was good but not as good as nekoma stage play ❞

❝ they have to hype up bokuto ❞

❝ CHAOTIC ENERGY + BOKUTO SUNSHINE BOY and i am bias + THEIR COLOURS + JERSEY OMG ❞

❝ owl boy & pretty setter ❞

❝ FUCK why can’t i think of any of the episodes where they show the student body like ??? school spirit is nonexistent in my eyes i can’t recall a thing— anywhore 9/10 for my owl babies because i believe bokuto hypes up the students ALOT and therefore they are more into ya know spirit woo ❞

❝ have u seen their dynamic? they're strong and so supportive of their ace, their captain, the family bokuto needed - i could go on but yes, i think u get the picture ❞

❝ They love Bokuto so much 🥺 they’re all v supportive of the team and it seems like they also know how to get him to perform better and Fukurodani’s a powerhouse so I feel like they get into it. ❞

4: AOBA JOHSAI

Their cheering squad is so synchronized and so well-performed. They know what they’re doing and when to do things. You can tell they’re devoted. School spirit within their team is pretty strong, and they have a good bond with each other.

❝ fangirls can do anything ❞

❝ oikawa kinnies ❞

❝ chaotic good but plants ❞

❝ i don’t know whether they have school spirit or they’re just fans of oikawa LMAOOO AND YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT KSBSKSJS like deadass it’s just his fan girls ya know what i’m saying ❞

❝ MANNN THEIR *CHEERS* I'M- ❞

❝ OAHAISOAOAHAHHA SEIJOHHHHHHH ❞

❝ i love them for the 3rd years but that's about it ❞

❝ From what I can recall there’s nothing super special about them? I do love how they say olé for all of Oikawa’s serves (but ppl do that for other schools, so) ❞

3: SHIRATORIZAWA

So much to say about them. From their entire cheering squad that consists of both cheerleaders and drummers, to the fact that when they feel like they’re being challenged with who can cheer louder they start singing their school anthem? Absolutely powerful.

❝ cheerleaders ❞

❝ i would not want to be in preppy school but i do love SHIIIRATORIZAWA ❞

❝ they are close like family uwu tho they seem to be SUPER STRESSED bc studies ❞

❝ 10/10 cause have you heard their cheer? god tier. that shit would distract me so much during a game like what’s the purpose of being so god damn loud and extra other than distracting the enemy ??? i rest my case ❞

❝ SHIIIIIRATORIZA (also ushiwaka has his own lil cheer so like yes i support) ❞

❝ i dont particularly like or dislike anyone from them and simple is best so ?? ❞

❝ The Shiratorizawa chant is so simple, so good,,, I think they were also the first team we saw with actual cheerleaders too! Nice big rich private school cheersquad money right? ❞

2: DATEKO

Need I say more?

1: INARIZAKI

There’s too much to say. They’re so extra it’s unbelievable. The entire cheering section knows how to adapt to each members’ likes and dislikes, and will call others out when they need to do so. For instance, when that one guy asked the two girls not to cheer while Atsumu is serving? Absolutely wild. And when they start booing or play a tempo to throw off the opponent whenever it’s the other team’s serve? Their practice and precision really shows. It’s crazy. And I’m pretty sure that they’re the only school that brings their entire orchestra to play during the matches.

❝ according to the wiki their marching band literally works to throw off the other team and if that’s not dedication idk what is ❞

❝ atsumu, shush me anytime ✨✨ ❞

❝ idk them asdas ❞

❝ deadass i’ve been on episode two of the latest season ( is it four or three?? i can’t fucking remember,,, 2 am is no brain cell hours ) for w e e k s because of second hand embarrassment. periodt. like hinata baby pls i’m begging. anyways suna is a god in my eyes, i deadass thought sakusa ( the germaphobe right?? ) was on the same team guess not i don’t know his uniform is ugly tho looking like a fucking germ himself ( THAT WAS GOLDEN SISJSJ IM PROUD OF MYSELF ), and lastly i have fallen in love with the man that is osamu, he can cook,... and he can do a whole lot of other things but my brain is malfunctioning so we’re gonna stop right there. #stanosamuforcleanskin ❞

❝ they have a fucking BAND ❞

❝ another chaotic team with their very own freak twins, i ranked them high because holy fuck that cheering band?? ❞

❝ Inarizaki’s cheer squad,,,, personally I lowkey hate them because deadass BOOING another player is tacky at best and kinda rude but my GOD do they put in the work. Cheerleaders, top ranked band, the timing and tempo thing? Insane. Oh, and the way they actually go silent for Atsumu like how the fuck did he pull that off?? ❞

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Thanks for reading! I’m glad you read this far. I hope this made you at least smile just a little bit because it definitely made me smile. And please don’t think that I don’t like any of the teams! I love each and every one of them; it’s just that some have more school spirit than others... anyways!

Whoever sent this, I just wanted to let you know that you made my entire day when I first read that. It was so unbelievably funny HAHAH

[homestuckexamination]

The format of that description looks to 100% like the real thing :O Did you spend a lot of time making it look as similar as possible, or is it part of a fan adventure or something like that? (Because I would totally want to read it if it was real)

I kinda wrote it on the spot back when I made it! She’s actually repurposed from an older OC of mine that I’m using for other things, so I had a solid idea about how she was already, and simply adapted it to an Alternian setting.

I HAVE considered making a Fanadventure in the past, but noooo way, I don’t have a team of people and it’d be way too much work for a side project X3. I would love to get involved in something big and Homestuck-y, but as a hobby, running four different blogs and doing art keeps me busy enough as is. Most of my OCs are either for Fun, or for planned Fan-Session RPs I’ve had with my friends, so there’s nothing really public around!

Also, I found my documents, so I now remember their Classpects and have all of their descriptions here!

Rhoxym - Seer of Doom

Jamita - Thief of Rage

Your name is JAMITASELKEE.

You think everyoneshould TAKE A STEP BACK and CHILL THE FUCK DOWN. Born as one of the rare JADECASTE, you have no shame in admitting your status as a RUNAWAY, and in fact,REVEL IN IT. You hold a PROFOUND BELIEF that everyone was put on this world fora purpose, and you are OUT TO FIND YOURS. Everything in nature, everything inlife, has a CONNECTION, a MEANING, and the more time you spend searching forthe MISSING PIECES IN YOUR LIFE, the more you have come to notice how ABSURDYOUR ENTIRE SOCIETY IS.

Everything from theCASTE SYSTEM to your SOCIETAL CONVENTIONS make absolutely no sense to you,which is why you’re lucky to be part of the ONLY CASTE IN YOUR SPECIES able towithstand the SEARING HEAT OF THE DAY, allowing to wander when NO ONE IS OUT TOFIND YOU. Furthermore, ever since your awakening as a RAINBOWDRINKER, you havehad no problems scaring away PROSECUTORS and even occasionally IMPERIAL DRONESthat wandered too close. You like trying to make others SEE THE WAY YOU DO,preferring REASON over VIOLENCE. However your INTENSE, OCCASIONAL THIRST FORBLOOD makes it hard to keep encounters CIVIL all the time. But that’s okay,your LUSUS helps you trap unsuspecting Trolls and Lusii for you to FEED ON. HerQUICK SANDS were the first thing that taught you patience and calm in diresituations, and for that you are EXTREMELY GRATEFUL TO HER, allowing her todevour the CARCASSES OF THE DECEASED, DRAINED BODIES YOU LEAVE BEHIND. LususCarcasses. Not Troll Carcasses, God dammit, you TRY TO NOT DRAIN THOSE OF YOURSPECIES COMPLETELY.

You are as much of aROOKIE PHILOSOPHER as you are a CONNOSIER OF FINE BLOODS, and without manymaterial possessions, some of your favorite past times involve HEATEDPOLITICAL, RELIGIOUS AND PHILOSOPHICAL DEBATES. These are the only times youtend to get CARRIED AWAY with more long winded messages and stronger emotionalresponses. You believe any ARGUMENT or GRUDGE can be solved with aHEART-TO-HEART, and often AUSPISTICE BETWEEN YOUR FRIENDS, even when they don’task for your help. SPECIALLY when they don’t ask for your help. You tend toKNOW BETTER than they do after all.

Your search for newENLIGHTENED HEIGHTS and your PURPOSE IN LIFE has led you to the occasionalconsumption of PSYCHOSOMATIC STIMULANTS, but with your lifestyle, it has becomeincreasingly difficult to find any of the GOOD STUFF around. You’re so closethough. You have been tracking your BLOODLINE for SWEEPS, and have spent DAYSIN DEEP MEDITATION over the plan PARADOX SPACE has for you, and you just FEELlike something is just about to UNLOCK YOUR CHAKRAS AT ANY MOMENT. But untilthen, you will just KICK BACK, RELAX and LET THE ECHOES OF NATURE FLOW THROUGHYOU.

Your username is transcendentMediator,and you kind of. don’t care about small talk. until you find something you careabout™.

Shikra - Bard of Doom

Your name is SHIKRAOMYINE and you have been VERY, VERY BAD.

Those of your blood,at the bottom of the HEMOSPECTRUM, are often treated with disrespect, and madeto face all sorts of ABUSE AND HUMILIATIONS, but out of all rustbloods you’repossibly the one with the MOST ROTTEN LUCK out there. You must have really donesomething extremely wrong in a past life, because KARMA is always a BITCH whenit comes to you.

As such, you’ve oftentried to SEEK REPENTANCE in order to sate the FORCES OF FATE ATTEMPTING TO DICKWITH YOU. And somehow, every single time, it BACKFIRES TREMENDOUSLY. But it’sokay. You’ve gotten USED TO IT with time. You have learned well that fate issomething you can’t stop. That NO ONE CAN STOP. Karmic destinies,predestination, they’re shackles tying civilization down, leading it down thepath of inevitability, and you’re pretty much just ALONG FOR THE RIDE ASEVERYTHING BURNS AROUND YOU.

You have NOCONVICTION when it comes to fighting fate, but if you believe it to be yourdestiny to do something, or see someone resisting their own fate, you will GOFUCKING NUTS and PUSH THEM THE WAY THEY ARE MEANT TO GO, no matter what thatfate of theirs may be.

Your room is aCOMPLETE AND UTTER MESS, you don’t remember the LAST TIME YOU CLEANED IT UP,but then again you also barely remember the LAST TIME YOU TOOK A SHOWER. Whybother after all? Everything is going to end up the same way in the end.

While some may callyour outlook on life FATALISTIC and OUTRIGHT WRONG, you have been using thisdemeanor of yours to HELP OTHER LOWBLOODS, specially other rusties, to ACCEPTTHEIR ULTIMATE FATE. You have held several congregations in your hive for thosewho have given up, and HELPED SPEED UP THEIR DEMISE. It feels good relievingsomeone of their SUFFERING.

…

Yeah.

You may be a bit of aFUCKING PSYCHOPATH.

Your username isominousEntropy, and you come across… as somewhat manipulative at times… haha…?;)

Tiamat - Page of Breath

Your name is TIAMAT SAAVAN, and you can’t remember the last time you TOOK AN ABLUTION. 

Not that there’s anyone around to MAKE YOU DO IT- And even if they were, what COULD they do about it? You’re probably one of the BIGGEST TROLLS YOUR AGE in just about every way, from the IMMENSE MANE that rivals that of HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION’S, to your POWERFUL LEGS, which you have cracked QUITE A FEW LUSUS SKULLS with. You like HUNTING PREY, but if there’s anything better than that, it has to be MESSING WITH IT FIRST. OTHER TROLLS make particularly fun targets, when they find a SEEMINGLY LOST GIRL, alone in the JUNGLE. You get FREEBIES by TAGGING ALONG with them, but occasionally, you have also DRAGGED THEM BACK TO YOUR HIVE or ATTACKED THEM depending on the circumstances.

The area you live in is YOUR TERRITORY, which you inherited from your CHOLERBEAR LUSUS when you BESTED HER IN WILD, FERAL COMBAT. She was an overbearing burden either way, but taking your ONLY PARENTAL FIGURE so early in life, and in such an isolated location, had… CONSEQUENCES. DRONES don’t patrol this far into the Jungle, which also means you’ve spent a good chunk of your life ISOLATED FROM CIVILIZATION. Your Hive isn’t even in Imperial Records, having been CARVED through the years from a FALLEN, ANCIENT TREE, first by your Lusus and then by you. You have NO EXPERIENCE with social interactions, and yet, ironically, because of this, you possess a MATERNAL, NURTURING INSTINCT practically UNSEEN in most of Trollkind.

It was only last sweep that you got your hands on a PALMHUSK from one of the Trolls wandering too far into the woods. TURNING A NEW PAGE in your life, realizing that there’s more to the world than you thought it was, you’ve been… Trying to make friends. But sometimes you just need to STEP BACK and CATCH YOUR BREATH before you burn yourself out. 

Your trolltag is untamedPersuasion, and you. not really good. with big words yet. :( but you. try. :3

Lilith - Lord of Void

Your name is. 

Your name- 

… 

You have some PROBLEMS. 

Your name is LILITH MIRREA and you’re a completely AVERAGE TEALBLOOD.

You cannot exactly RECALL how most of your LAST WEEK has gone, or your ENTIRE LIFE for that matter. Everything BLURS together when you spend most of your waking hours in AUTOPILOT.

Your peers know you as an EXEMPLARY LEGISLACERATOR IN TRAINING. You have been STUDYING ALTERNIAN LAW from a young age, got yourself a NICE HIVE for you and your BLIND ANACONDA MOM, and proceeded to… Wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Night after night, you READ ALTERNIAN LAW. You TALK TO YOUR PEERS. You present yourself as the PERFECT ALTERNIAN CITIZEN, PERFECTLY RUTHLESS when needed, PERFECTLY COMPLIANT when required, PERFECTLY AVERAGE, PERFECTLY FINE. 

PERFECTLY DEAD INSIDE. 

You swear hardly a SINGLE ACTION you’ve done in your life has been your own. You STRUGGLE ENORMOUSLY with concepts regarding IDENTIY and WORTH, in a world that has proven to encourage keeping this SOUL-CRUSHING DAY-TO-DAY of yours. You have NOTHING you care about. You have NO ONE you trust enough to TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS, and you lack any semblance of WILL or DRIVE to accomplish anything in your life.

So you just keep going. The PERFECT ALTERNIAN ROLE MODEL. You KEEP WAITING. So that maybe something will eventually FILL THIS VOID inside of you. But… GOOD LORD.

You don’t know how long you can keep this up.

Your trolltag is listlessConduit, And you really talk in a sort of disinterested manner because like I dont know I guess some conversations are okay from time to time maybe

[fairycosmos]

LMFAOOO NOT TO B ANNOYING HERE BUT UHHHH i turn 17 next month n am not excited (~: bc i am too scared to turn 18 n be an adult n have responsibilities bc nothing in my life has been stable enough. i feel like i have to worry n prepare myself now bc if i don’t it’ll hit me like a fucking bus. but yeah!! i’m straight up not looking forward to it!! feel like i have no chance!! cannot make it in this life!! so i must kill myself before the day comes!! proud of all of u for making it this far

HEY you’re not annoying ! but also HEY, try to slow down and take a moment. or several moments. you’re very young, and i’m saying that in a good way. growing up is such a paradox because we never realize how much time we have until its ran out. treating everything as a transitional phase, as a means to an end, is an exhausting habit. you haven’t lived the solutions to your worries yet. i think it’s important to try to hold onto the present moment because it’s the only thing that actually exists. and you’ll never be who you are currently, ever again. the past is over, and the future is impossible to predict and CONSTANTLY changing. the only thing that’s in your control is this moment. right now, you don’t need to be anything other than what you are. every second of uncertainty is necessary, everything is working out this way to get you to where you need to be - which is a lifelong journey in and of itself, it’s supposed to be a long and confusing process. i know it probably feels like everythings moving so fast, and the world likes to lie to us, likes to say we have to have everything figured out by eighteen, cause they want to make money off of us. if we put all of our mental stability into how well we’re doing career wise/academically, then we’ll push ourselves to the limits working for them. just to prove ourselves, right? it’s all an illusion and a way to keep us down. the older you get the more you realize that nobody has a clue about anything, really. i mean ANYTHING. and you dont have to expect yourself to be sure of the rest of your existence, especially not at sixteen. there’s no set schedule for your life, where you have to complete X achievement by Y age or you’ll burn in an eternal pit of failure. there’s just these days, and this growth, and what we choose to do with what we have. getting lost is normal, not knowing is normal. only then will you experience those inner epiphanies that make you realize what you REALLY want, putting you back on track. and this can happen at 21, at 30, at 50. and there are so many different tracks, too. nothing is definitive. when you’re a kid, especially a kid with a traumatic background, it’s easy to see things in black and white. i used to too, sometimes still do. but what i’ve noticed is the more you push yourself out into the world, the more you understand that everything is coloured in shades of grey. we grow weirdly, stunted in one area and abundant in another. we achieve our goals unexpectedly, on top of the world one day and then falling the next. it’s the balance. i think....it’s important to take your childhood into account, how its shaped your perception and your self image. questioning the fundamental beliefs you have, about what you’re worth, is a good place to start. whether that’s through counseling, or implementing healthier coping mechanisms int your daily life, or even just having an honest conversation with yourself at first. either way, you’ll see that you have to sort of relearn everything you thought you knew. you have to make a concentrated effort to center yourself and practice patience with your own life...it’s hard at first, but it makes everything easier in the long run. constantly screaming at yourself in your own head simply for existing is just too suffocating, too exhausting. not everything is going to be this chaotic all of the time, i promise. look, i said the exact same thing about turning eighteen. and i’ve been saying the same thing about turning twenty in four months, that i’m just going to kill myself. but it’s becoming clear to me now that that thought is more of a defense mechanism than anything else, at least for me. if i’m going to die young i don’t have to have any sort of plan, and i dont have to worry about messing up. it’s comforting. but i feel like life just sort of sneaks up on you, and you don’t even really realize it. your mind knows on some subconscious level that you have the rest of eternity to be dead and only one chance in this history of ever to be a person. so despite all of the learned fear and the quiet terror, it’s easier to think about simply disappearing than it is to actually die. just by being here, you have a chance. and if you feel as though you’re really going to act on those compulsions/self destructive thoughts, please please be sure to alert those around you and call the authorities so you can receive the care you need. no matter how scary it is, because you dont want to make such a long lasting decision when you’re in a unclear headspace. it’s just not worth it, it doesn’t change or improve anything.

this is getting too long, and these are just my thoughts on the matter, not objective facts, but. yeah, existential horror is a part of the human condition and a defining characteristic of what differentiates us as a species. and there’s strength in this, in knowing we’re all in the same boat and everyones feeling the weight of it. but you’ll find reasons to stick around if you seek them out. everything is terrifying but we should try to focus on our individual lives and getting through each day, one at a time. the quote that comes to mind is “and while the future is fast coming for you, it always flinches first and settles in as the gentle present.” you are doing so much better than you think. adapting is inevitable, and you’ll be so many different selves over the course of your lifetime - how can you be mad at the 16 yo version that just wants to try their best? seriously, if you give yourself some time, and you try to give yourself the tools you need to remain grounded and present, then you’re going to be okay. i wouldn’t say it if i didn’t believe it. sometimes we’re looking for an answer but the answer is simply to wait. anyway, i really hope you’re able to take it easy. again, you’re sixteen. mistakes are human, and they’re all lying to you about how you have to decide what you’re going to ‘be’ for the rest of your life. please take care. if you need a friend or if you want to talk about anything, i’ll be here. you’re not in this alone.

[paulwalltran]

Dungeons and Dragons Loneliness

Another interview with lofi music. Today was a pretty shitty day, alot on my mind. Here to unload. 

Today’s mood: Fuck it all...

It’s a mad addiction, a horrendous one. It’s all I think about, it’s all I want to talk about. Or almost anything fantasy related. I’ve recently gotten a little closer with one of my co workers. Delerner Banks, everyone calls him Del. He’s always in the tunnel, and always brings warhammer books to read and do work (whatever it is he’s working on.) We talk about fantasy related things all the time, and sometimes we bounce ideas off each other, feeling out our thoughts of settings and lore. Talking to him about some fantasy before leaving work made me feel alot better. The loneliness inside has been eating at me.

I know it’s salt, I know its jealousy, that I’m mad at my friends. They been hanging out more without me, playing cards and shit. Its not a passion of mine, its fun sometimes, but its still not me. Its what they bond over, its what they do together, and that’s what theyre into. If I had to guess, they’re okay with Dungeons and Dragons, but even my best friend said that I take it too serious. Its fallen out of their favor, it eats up a lot of time, and they each have their version of what a fun campaign would be like. In me, I said to myself, “Fine, fuck it. I’ll have to assemble another crew to play with.” Tough situation then isn’t it? Wanting to play a social game that needs bodies, during an age where social gatherings are frowned upon, because they carry a potential to spread a virus... Still, this is what I want to do. I want a group of friends, who share the same passion I do. My current friends must think ill of me, they may just want to hang out. They think that if they come hang with me, I’ll want a game of DnD without a doubt. They just want to chill and kick it, they don’t want to roll dice. But ask me once and I’ll tell you yes twice, to playing DnD. 

I love it with all my heart, all of the contents and materials are here, ready to play. No extra investments, no money needed to be spent, we can get going off of nothing like we did back then. A table top roleplaying game, we started with cardboard and lego figures, and just two books to share. But there was fun to be had, and a few heated sessions. But fun it was, the more we played the deeper i grew fond of the game. I’m even willing to experiment with other systems if I have someone to guide me. With cards, you gotta constantly update your arsenal to keep up with the meta, and let’s be real, not playing anything remotely close to meta isn’t as fun. Different formats allow different decks, and to keep current you gotta keep up. I dont have the fundings for it, I dont have the luck. I would rather buy a module that’ll last for years, versus a pack of cards. I have two books that have skyrocketed in value, cards go up and down like stocks. But thats the appeal I suppose, I don’t care for it though.

Back to the thing at hand, I’m in their group chat as they make plans. I can’t be there for all that. But fuck it, that’s all Im going to say. Fuck it, on repeat, until its engraved into my head. Pride is getting the best of me, I refused to be denied again. If it’s not something they want to do, so be it, I need to look out for me in the end.  I must muster up the courage to start playing online again, the first one wasn’t bad, but it fell apart. I need to get the courage to be social, and get over the fear that everyone expects you to be a pro player. I’m scared going into this green still, roll20 isn’t my forte. But if I want to play DnD, this seems to be my only option. It may fulfill my wish, to find friends who are just as passionate as I. My other friends, they’re over on the other side. Its fine, it truly is, they have one another, and I need to be strong. I need to find the strength in this loneliness, even though its tearing me apart. My circle becomes smaller, thats just the way of the world. Adapt to survive, be formless like water...

Dungeons and Dragons, my greatest escape. I can be anybody, and do things I normally can’t. I can clobber up bad guys, indecent folk, and finesse my way out of punishment from the law. I can save a village, a town, a kingdom, when I can hardly save myself. I can fly, cast spells, break locks, imagination is my only limit. I can hoard and amass vast amounts of riches, I myself can even become a dragon. I don’t have to be me, although a bit of me resides in everyone I’ve made before. I can never truly separate myself, from those Ive breathed life into. For hours on end, I can go anywhere, do anything, I melt into the world thats placed before me.

 Because the reality is that I’m practically shit, and nobody. The world is fucked up and jacked up and spiraling down the drain. I’m mentally fucked and my physicality is pretty much the same. I’m stuck in place when the world is demanding me to change. I lost with no real direction. No map in hand, no guide, and I’m scared out of my mind. I don’t know whether to trust the process or commit suicide. Im not sure where I’ll end up, if it’s good or bad. Im struggling, I’m suffering, and there seems to be no end. I could say I’m trying, but I would be lying, if I had to look at the brighter side. The positive things in life are so hard to identify. But my emotions are raw and hit hard, slamming against the walls in my skull. Demanding me to give them attention...and attention I give them, as they tear me up. Like being pulled at by the limbs, drawn and quartered is the method it seems like today. I was thinking that I couldn’t drink forever, my body would eventually reject. But what if I drank energy drinks on end, a heart attack to get me out of this place. I can down those all day long, so whats stopping me from taking that way out of it? Less grotesque and violent, it’ll probably be painful as hell. An organ seizing up, as the body ceases the function. I get said thinking about it sometimes, but one day, enough will be enough. But damn that lady...damn her for speaking those words... Tomorrow. If nothing is better by tomorrow, then do as you may. But sleep it off, tomorrow is another day. 

It’s not verbatim, but its the gist. Just wait for tomorrow, and hopefully things will change. The choice is still mine to make, and something in me pushes me forward, keeps me going on. Sometimes I think about who I’m leaving behind, and maybe how much it’ll hurt. The evil darkness inside me says that they’ll get over it, they have to, and time doesn’t wait. I won’t be immortalized, I’ll simply end up a statistic. That maybe itll be a few years the sadness remains fresh, but wounds always heal. Discrediting my actual existence, and any form of relations. Like I wouldn’t have made any actual impressions, people don’t weep for me now. People kind of forget I exist already, what makes me think they won’t after I’m gone? 

I think about my folks, my grandma, my girlfriend, my second family, and other close dear friends. I think about how many last will letters I would have to put out there, before I call for the curtains. Sometimes, I say I will start writing them, but they give me pause. I end up not wanting to leave this world, after pouring out my heart. Because I don’t want to leave any questions behind for people who matter, I want them to know how I felt before I passed. I want to leave with them apart of me, so they would never forget. 

Still it doesn’t change, shit is rough as of lately, work has been eating me up. I feel like Im never hundred percent, and me back on gaming is making it worst. I’ve gotten back onto Elder Scrolls Skyrim, its been my virtual version of DnD. Waiting for the Outer World Expansion, so I can get addicted to that again. All I want to do is play Dungeons and Dragons, the question is how do I make that into a living? I think being a Matthew Mercer is one in a million, I don’t think I’m that great. I’m willing to learn, grow, evolve because it is my passion, but I’m always scared of making mistakes. To be one of the greater Dungeon Masters, to be THE Wizards of the Coast Dungeon Master, it may possibly be the dream. To eat, sleep, breathe, Dee en Dee. My obsession isn’t that crazy though, I’m still behind on the lore of creatures and settings, I haven’t studied at all. But with the right drive and motivation, I would, especially with something as real as a legit group.

Enthusiastic players, who show up every week, bi weekly, once every month even, to play this fantastic game. Group of chill folks who is willing to take the Dungeon Master Mantle with I get burned out and have the desire to be in the player seat. One of those is the driving force, they make me want to plan. They make me want to make the world, the style, everything in general better, with the constructive feedback. I mean it’s been so long as I was a player in a campaign until the end, I’m beginning to think paying for a Dungeon Master wouldn’t be so bad. Once a month? A couple of hours? I mean I’m thinking like seven USD per hour? Eight isn’t bad, but after that it becomes a questionable amount. It repeats in my head, “No DnD is better than Bad DnD”, this much is probably still true. I say still because I still might want at least one session with said game, so I can at least say it was the worst after having attempt it, rolling something. Ha ha, I kid myself, I’m lying because I know the rage would be all to real and caution is my game most of the time. But I mean, I just might have to start exploring the idea, I was definitely going to ask on FaceBook if any Roll20 games was recruiting a newbie. 

Alas, today won’t be the last time I speak on the matter, Dungeons and Dragons haunt me everyday. I stare at minis, I stare at the upcoming books and modules, and I watch youtube where they tell RPG Horror Stories, Its become a huge part of my life, such as dancing once was. It almost links right into my earliest talents...writing. I love to write, just like I’m doing now. Im fairly decent at the writing game if I must say. Hey, real life failed Bard here, I should make one who always ends up playing big bro, and end up being friendzoned by all his interests. Im short, so Halfling is very true. Am I charismatic? Who knows, I can’t say for sure. But yes, I feel like this is what I need, a solid weekly game, maybe once every two weeks, hell, once every month would still be great. Something to look forward to the very least, in this life of routine and mundane. Something to look forward to for me, something that’s my own. Something I don’t need my closer friends to be apart of, since they’re not interested anyhow. I’m really talking shit because I’m hella salty, but at least I’m being upfront. Get it all out now, before the typing is done. 

It’s been a productive session, I may have to attribute it to Lofi it seems. The Lofi Hip Hop Radio on YouTube, also found on Spotify. Some tracks still strike me deep in the chest, giving me horrible flash backs and feeling in my chest. Others keep me going, forward, almost propelling. I’m currently training myself to be accustomed to the sounds, because I at first was very scared. That it would just transport me to a dark place and keep me there. I’ve been trying to confront my feelings more with this music, I think I felt better after last session like this. The more I faced myself, the better I became. Yes, I most definitely referenced Persona 4, another amazing and loved title because of the message it portrays. I always wondered what my shadow self would look like, and what they would say. But eh another time, I’m about to start rambling again. I have to conclude here, before I get off topic.

Until next time Tumblr...

[your-iron-lung]

Survivor Blues

also available to read on AO3 HERE

You call that a scar? A bruise? A tear? Pillow-marks. Souvenirs. 

Story Synopsis: 'What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger' is a philosophy Billy's father has been beating into him for as long as he can remember. If you get hurt, suck it up and walk it off. Take the pain and live with it. Grow with it; let it make you a better person.

Surviving the Mindflayer hurt. He should've been able to adapt to the pain; should've been able to let it shape him and make him stronger, but he can't. It's too much. The pain is too great and all consuming, and Billy has far too many things that need to be healed at once. 

In the end, what didn't kill him only makes him wish he'd died.

Word Count: 3416

Pairings: Light Harringrove

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, light angst (but with a happy ending- SOMETHING I DONT USUALLY DO)

Notes: this was just supposed to be a small thing, like, 4 paragraphs max, but it blew up and welp here it is. title comes from the song ‘Survivor Blues (the after hours)’. UHHH ENJOY **************

Surviving hurts.

Laying down, standing up; simply existing hurts him immeasurably. It’s like he can’t get comfortable anymore. Walking, talking, resting, sleeping, eating (especially eating) - anything and everything he does causes him more pain than he knows what to do with. But what else can he do? He’s alive, after all. He survived.

He tries to carry on like nothing’s wrong to prove a point, like, by pretending he’s not in constant pain it’ll somehow prove that he’s still as strong as he used to be, but it makes it all worse. Despair creeps in with the hurt, but before it overwhelms him he adopts it; uses his pain as penance, abuses this new sick form of self-flagellation to try and convince himself that he’s only getting what he deserves for all the hurt he’s caused countless others.

The doctors that saved his life had told him that recovery wouldn’t be easy, but still, Billy thinks, maybe he’d have been better off dying. Some days it hurts even to breathe, and if this is the way he’s going to be for the rest of his life, then he hopes he lives a short one, absolution be damned.

His dad still hits him. It hurts.

For a while after he’d been released from the hospital, things had been fine at home. Tense, but no voices raised. No hands raised. Some semblance of peace descending upon father and son until the bills from the hospital come in and Neil just loses it. Rages for hours. Just yelling, at first, but eventually his hands come flying and Billy is too hurt to escape them.

It becomes routine after that, although Billy notices that his father’s fist is a little bit gentler as it collides into him. Almost like he’s mindful of the places he’s already been hurt, as though by striking him in the places he still feels solid he’s showing his son some kind of mercy. It could be worse. Maybe Billy should be grateful. He isn’t.

Redemption is a far off dream that grows dimmer by the day whenever his father finds cause to blacken his eye.

 ***

He hears about Harrington through Max occasionally. Sees him around town sometimes when his dad drags him out. It hurts.

Part of that hurt stems from the unresolved things he did to Steve that night at the Byers’ place, but most of it actually stems from the night he almost died- should’ve died. It comes from where he’d been lying prone on the floor of the Starcourt Mall, bleeding out corrupted, blackened blood with Max crying over him. He couldn’t move his head after being impaled by so many cruel appendages, but even as his gaze had been fixed firmly upwards, he’d seen that pretty, pretty face of Steve’s looking down at him from over the railing of one of the upper floors. If Billy remembers right (and he does), Steve had appeared stricken. Horror-struck and dumbfounded. Billy pictures that look of terror on his face and feels his chest constrict painfully, because whenever he sees Harrington around town these days, he looks happy. Content. Like nothing ever happened. It pains him to see that he’s somehow made his life livable despite the things he’s seen, but it hurts more when he realizes Steve doesn’t ever look his way, even though he knows, he must know that Billy is near.

They hadn’t been friends before any of this, but rather, they’d been close to being something more.

 ***

It feels like he has nothing left to live for. It hurts.

He makes a list one day and runs down all the things he used to take stock in before his flaying and can’t find one single thing that stands up. His looks? Ruined; his body riddled with deep, ugly scars and a stomach devastated by irreversible chemical damage that leaves him barely able to eat anything. His car? Totaled beyond repair when Harrington had to T-bone into it to save those kids’ lives (and even the memory of that hurts). His friends? Tommy H. had gotten out of Hawkins while the getting was good and took Carol with him; probably the only smart thing he’d ever done in his life. High school was over, the crown he’d usurped passed on to the next sniveling bastard in line who wanted to be king.

He’s bitter when he comes to terms with the fact that he has nothing. Has no one. Can’t even tolerate looking himself in the mirror to see what being flayed has done to him. He’s too thin. Torn. Unrecognizable and dead around the eyes, haunted by the things his handler made him do.

His gaze is drawn to the necklace that keeps his Saint medal close to his heart and hates the way that it hangs heavily around his neck. It gets heavier every time he remembers it’s there until finally it feels like the chain it’s looped on is digging into his skin. He takes it off when he can’t stand it any longer; doesn’t think ol’ Saint Christopher can do anything to help him anymore. Hasn’t helped him in a long time, actually, when he thinks about it.

 ***

He almost kills himself one night. Accidentally, but still as an indirect result of all the accumulated traumas and hurts he’s still struggling to contend with months later. It feels good for once.

Max finds him, of all people. Walks right into his room without knocking to ask if he’s seen something of hers she just can’t seem to find but knows is in the house somewhere. She stops talking as soon as she sees him splayed out on his bed, foamy vomit trickling out of his mouth, empty bottles of beer littering the floor and a stomach full of prescribed pain medications that don’t fucking work.

“It wasn’t on purpose, it just never stops hurting. They don’t help,” he tells her later, after his ruined stomach gets pumped and his dad wails on him for that added cost to his already large hospital tab. “Nothing works. I thought maybe more would.”

She looks at him differently after that. No longer cold. No longer calculated; just thoughtful. Contemplative, but not in the same way where, in the past, she’d had to tread on eggshells around him or he’d hurt her in much the same way Neil hurts him. She becomes surprisingly loyal after that, even after all he’s done to her- done to her friends- and that hurts.

She becomes the support he hadn’t realized he needs. Convinces him to try the recommended physical therapy to hopefully get to a place where it doesn’t hurt for him to simply exist anymore.

“I’ll get a job,” she promises him, knowing full well that whatever place willing to hire a 15 year old won’t pay nearly enough to cover the cost of continual therapy sessions. “We all can; we didn’t know how to help you before, so we didn’t, and I’m sorry, Billy, we were so scared- but we know what we can do for you now. We can help you.”

Her words hurt. At first because she’s confirmed for him what he’s suspected all along: that they hadn’t even tried to help him, but before that old semblance of anger he used to rely on can surface, she’s hugging him, and he realizes that the hurt this time comes from a place of emotional vulnerability too deep within him to pinpoint exactly.

It hurts, is the bottom line- but this time it’s a good kind of hurt. The kind that has him hugging her back.

 ***

Slowly, he begins to heal. The pain doesn’t lessen, but other things he hadn’t realized were hurt begin to mend.

He gets to know her friends; manages to apologize to Lucas for all the shitty things he’s said and done specifically to him. In turn, they begin to help him, but all the paper routes, lawn mowing gigs, and occasional pet sitting opportunities they take up don’t really amount to much in the long run.

But he still continues healing.

They try to recruit the teens. Nancy gives what she can, but most of the money she makes goes towards traveling costs so she can continue to see Jonathan without having to rely on her parents. Billy refuses to take her money anyway; he’s not a goddamned charity case, but unbeknownst to him she puts what she can afford to spare in Mike’s hand for him anyway. Not that she’d had anything to do with what happened to him, but some people are just good at heart- something Billy hasn’t had a whole lot of experience with.

They don’t hear back from Harrington.

It helps. He heals. It’s close, but it’s not enough.

He still hurts.

They all struggle to get him through the initial assessment appointment with a therapist, and it doesn’t go well. Billy hates it; hates the fact that he has to rely on other people for the betterment of himself, but he doesn’t want to squander all the hard work those damnable kids are doing for him. It drains him. It drains their funds. He doesn’t know what to say when the secretary asks what day she can schedule his next appointment for. He almost tells her ‘never’, but settles for ‘same time next week’ when Max takes his hand in hers and looks up at him with that determined, patented Mad Max gleam in her eye.

She knows as well as he does that they won’t be able to raise enough money in time for it, but he goes anyway when ‘same time next week’ inevitably rolls around. Somehow, miraculously, he’s able to afford it. When he asks Max how that’s possible, she stays suspiciously quiet. A mysterious benefactor has started funding his therapy visits, he realizes.

He hates it. The knowledge that he can’t know who he’s become indebted to hurts what’s left of his pride.

 ***

Weeks pass and the results of his therapy visits manifest in little ways. He can take deep breaths without his chest and lungs constricting too sharply. It doesn’t hurt as much to walk. On good days he can even laugh without that deep pain blowing up inside him. Not that he laughs all that much anymore.

Max remains quiet whenever he asks her who’s doing this for him.

“A friend,” is all she says whenever he tries to corner her about it.

“I don’t have any friends,” he informs her, to which she shrugs and replies, “You have one.”

He heals. Day by day as he learns the exercises, he heals. But still he wonders who.

Who the hell cares about him that much to help him? Not Neil. Not Susan. Max was already doing her best for him, but her best wasn’t enough. To think that someone out there could care so much about his recovery leaves him feeling oddly funny. He both likes and dislikes it.

The mystery doesn’t stay unsolved for long.

When school starts again, Max can’t go with him to his appointments anymore. She becomes afraid that he won’t go if someone doesn’t go with him to make sure he does (and she might be right about that), and arranges for someone else to take him but declines to say who.

He waits outside on the porch for them, smoking lazily now that it doesn’t hurt him to breathe in deeply anymore. Sunglasses on even though it’s overcast because that fucking thing left its aversion of sunlight in him when it died. Coat on, collar up. Trying to reclaim the air of confidence he used to live by even if he doesn’t quite fill out his clothes like he used to anymore.

He waits until he sees his ride pull up to the curb in front of his house. He lets his cigarette smolder on his lips, lets it burn right down to the filter before he flicks it away as he belatedly comes to understand just who has been helping him.

Harrington honks at him, pokes his head out the window and says, “Shake a leg, Hargrove, let’s get a move on.”

Billy wants to be angry. Wants to be obstinate just because he can, but he’s tired and only has so many spoons left to get through the day with. He goes with him without much of a fuss, but has about a hundred things he wants to say to him as they ride.

It hurts that he can’t get any of them out.

 ***

Recovery is a slow process.

The drives to his therapist aren’t long, but there’s still room enough to hold a conversation if they ever chose to do so. They don’t.

Neither one of them is able to say anything to the other for days until Steve finally takes the initiative to breach that wide, wide gap that didn’t used to be between them.

“So… I’ve been seeing a guy,” he starts, side-eyeing Billy as he speaks to take stock in his expression.

They’re stuck at a red light that hasn’t turned green for two minutes. It’s divine. It’s torture.

It hurts.

“That’s… nice,” Billy says slowly, unsure of what Steve’s getting at. If it’s relationship advice, he has nothing to give.

“No! No, not like, uh, not like that,” Steve stutters. Drums his fingers against the steering wheel. Nervous. “Not that there’s anything… wrong with that, but, no. Not like that.”

“Okay.”

“More like, your kinda guy.”

“’My kinda guy,” Billy repeats dully.

The light remains red.

“Yeah, like, y’know,” Steve continues, still nervous, face colouring with embarrassment. Still waiting for that light to change. “A therapist, but, like, for my brain, or whatever.”

“A psychiatrist?”

Steve winces at the word, looks away, and rubs the back of his neck.

“Yeah. A psych.”

“Okay,” Billy says again. He doesn’t know where Steve’s trying to take this. A show of solidarity? Some sort of admission?

Steve’s quiet for a moment up until the light finally, blessedly, turns green. The car lurches awkwardly forward in Steve’s enthusiasm to get going.

“Yeah, so, I’ve been seeing a guy.” His fingers never stop tapping, playing out the rhythm of his anxieties. “And we’ve been talking uh, a lot about you.”

“Me?” He’s surprised, then, suspicious. “Why?”

“You keep me up at night.”

But before Billy can ask what the hell that means, they’re there, and Steve’s already wishing him good luck.

*** 

He’s lying in bed later that night, reveling in the fact that it no longer hurts to do so when Max knocks and enters. She’s holding something big and boxy in her hand and looks kind of confused about it. A little awkward.

“It’s for you,” she says and waits for him to sit up and take the bulky two-way radio from her.

“What?” he asks stupidly, turning it over in his hands.

Max shrugs. “He said he wanted to talk to you.”

“Who?”

“See for yourself. Give it back when you’re done,” she says, and then leaves.

He waits to hear her footsteps pattering down the hall, back to her room, before he presses down on the communication button uncertainly.

“That you, Harrington?”

“Don’t cream yourself. Yeah, it’s me.”

A ghost of a smile works its way across Billy’s face at the familiar words. He takes a seat on the side of his bed, holds the radio close to where his medallion used to hang.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do this in person,” Steve says, his voice coming through in crackles and static. Still legible. Still determined. Billy ignores the pounding of his heart. “When I said that you keep me up at night, what I meant was…”

Billy hears him sigh before trying to finish his thought.

“What I meant was that I kept seeing your body on the floor at the mall whenever I closed my eyes, and not being able to do anything about it. I started having dreams where you actually fucking died or some shit and I got all fucked up about it when I remembered how close we were to being- well, you know. But I couldn’t figure out why that kept happening; it’s not like any of that shit was my fault, right?”

“No,” Billy agrees, swallowing hard. “Wasn’t your fault.”

He thinks he can hear Steve exhale a sigh of relief.

“Yeah, so, I don’t know why but it just kept sticking with me. I started losing sleep because you were always there. I didn’t even know you were involved at all until-”

“Until I tried to kill those kids.” Billy finishes his sentence for him, trying his best to ignore the lump forming in his throat as he says it.

“That wasn’t you,” Steve says quickly, and gives Billy a moment to collect himself. “It wasn’t. But, I thought maybe if I just, I don’t know, avoided you, then maybe the nightmares would stop.”

A slight blossom of anger. He quickly discards it; that’s not what they need right now. “Did they?”

“No.”

The lump in his throat doesn’t go away. He swallows it down, but then it grows and starts to take up space in his chest. It pushes down the anger, and pushes the hurt he’s been internalizing up and out. His eyes grow wet. He blinks the tears back.

“I ignored you for so long,” Steve says in a hushed whisper.

“I know,” Billy replies and tries to keep the hurt that’s threatening to bubble out of his throat down.

“And then Max told me you tried to kill yourself-”

Steve’s voice catches, and Billy can hear the hurt that starts spilling out of him. He’s crying. Billy sniffs and stops blinking his own tears back.

“It was an accident,” he tries to tell him, but his voice gives out part-way through. “It was an accident,” he repeats as he clears his throat. Hot tears begin to streak down the sides of his face. “I didn’t mean to.”

“I didn’t know what to do. I tried to talk to Robin but she said she couldn’t do for me what a therapist could, but I’ve always heard that that shits for crazy people, and I’m not crazy, just miserable and then Max came to talk to me about you again and I just. Saw my chance, I guess.”

Billy holds the radio in one hand and his head in the other. He can feel a headache coming on. Steve rambles on, about how the guilt he feels manifests the horrific visions of Billy lying dead on the ground in that shitty mall and how his shrink suggested that maybe just talking to Billy about it might help.

“I could’ve killed you that night,” Steve says at the end of his rant, sniffling uncontrollably. His voice sounds hoarse, but at least they’ve both stopped crying. “I almost drove right into you.”

“You kinda did. Eye for an eye, though. Guess that makes us equal,” Billy replies, and Steve laughs.

His laugh is cheery despite the dark tones of their conversation. Light. It lifts Billy up.

“It could’ve been way worse, though.”

“Yeah,” Billy agrees, breathing deeply. His eyes feel crusty with dried tears. He wipes at them and feels how sore they are. “Yeah, you could’ve missed. You wouldn’t be so sorry if you had.”

Steve gets really quiet at that. Billy knows that Steve knows he’s right. He would’ve killed them if Steve hadn’t done what he did, but it doesn’t change the fact that it hurt the both of them when he’d had to resort to such drastic measures.

“But I didn’t.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“You survived.”

“So did you.”

“Fuck it. I miss you, Billy. I wasted so much time trying to get over the part of you I thought had died.”

They stay up all night after that. Just talking. Catching up, making amends. Healing.

The conversation only ends when Billy realizes Steve’s fallen asleep on his end. He’d been slowing down gradually as the hours passed, so it doesn’t come as a surprise, but still Billy wishes they could’ve talked more.

And they can, he understands. They can talk the whole rest of their lives away if they wanted to, because they survived. He sets the radio down on the floor beside his bed and slips in between the sheets. He closes his eyes and smiles. They survived.

When he wakes up, he realizes he no longer hurts.

[xxstyleart]

Chapter 18; Siege and Storm

Heyyooooo, so I’ve adapted a few parts in a particular scene of chapter 18 with Mal, Alina and the Darkling! I’ve been trying to read fanfics and it’s inspired to write my own so here ya go!! *Disclaimer: I’ve adapted the existing scene with a few things I envisioned. Most of the content is original to Leigh. I’ve simply added a few different elements into the scene and developed it the way I thought would create a deeper scene. Also, my content will be written in between double asterisks. Anything outside of that was written by Leigh. & the ‘[...]’ indicate there are additional lines from the book I’ve not included in my post but that I’ve skipped in order to make this post more fluid and concise with my adaptations. Hope that made sense. Enjoy!!!!

(Art credit: nanfe1789)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He nodded, scuffed the toe of his boot along the floor. “I miss you,” he said quietly. Soft words but they sent a painful, welcome tremor through me. Had part of me doubted it? He’d been gone so often.

I touched his hand. “I miss you too.” [...] He let out a long breath. “Saints, I hate this place.” I blinked, startled by the vehemence in his voice. “You do?” “I hate the parties. I hate the people. I hate everything about it.” “I thought... you seemed... not happy exactly, but--” “I don’t belong here, Alina. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.” That I didn’t believe. Mal fits in everywhere. “Nikolai says everyone adores you.”

“They’re amused by me,” Mal said. “That’s not the same thing.” He turned my hand over, tracing the scar that ran the length of my palm. “Do you know I actually miss being on the run? Even that filthy little boarding house in Cofton and working in the warehouse. At least then I felt like I was doing something, not just wasting time and gathering gossip.”

I shifted uncomfortably, feeling suddenly defensive. “You take every chance you get to be away. You don’t have to accept every invitation.”

He stared at me. “I stay away to protect you, Alina.” “From what?” I asked incredulously. He stood up, pacing restlessly across the room. “What do you think people asked me on the royal hunt? The first thing? They wanted to know about me and you.” He turned on me, and when he spoke his voice was cruel, mocking “Is it true that you’re tumbling the Sun Summoner? [...] I stay away to put distance between us, to stop the rumors. I probably shouldn’t even be in here now.”

I circled my knees with my arms, drawing them more tightly to my chest. My cheeks were burning. “Why didn’t you say something?” **Quiet anger rumbled in my chest. How could he not know what was in my heart? How did he not understand that I could not give a care as to what anyone else had to say? I needed him and that’s all that mattered, not what others were speculating about my--sex life.**

“What could I say? And when? I barely see you anymore.” “I thought you wanted to go.” “I wanted you to ask me to stay.”

My throat felt tight. I opened my mouth, ready to tell him that he wasn’t being fair, that I couldn’t have known. But was that the truth? Maybe I had really believe Mal was happier away from the Little Palace. Or maybe I’d just told myself that because it was easier with him gone, because it meant one less person watching and wanting something from me. **Another burden I wouldn’t have to bear. Another disappointment I would avoid. So then, why was there such an aching in my chest as he stood there, staring at me expectantly? What more did he want? Was I not enough? Was I too much?**

He raised his hands as if to plead his case, then dropped them helplessly. “I feel you slipping away from me, and I don’t know how to stop it.”

**His eyes bore into mine with a deep sadness I hadn’t let myself look at for too long these past few weeks. It stung. Maybe because he was right. Maybe because I feared all of this would become too much for him and he’d decide to finally leave for good. Maybe because it was easier to let go first rather than to be left behind like crumbs on a table... Or maybe because it reminded me of the sadness that was growing in my own heart every time he left, because despite his previous declaration in wanting to protect me, I’d felt him slipping away and I hadn’t known what to do about it.** Tears pricked my eyes. “We’ll find a way,” I said. “We’ll make more time--”

“It’s not just that. Ever since you put on that second amplifier, you’ve been different.” My hand strayed to the fetter. “When you split the dome, the way you talk about the firebird... I heard you speaking to Zoya the other day. She was scared, Alina. And you liked it.”

“Maybe I did,” I said, my anger rising. It felt so much better than the guilt or shame. **Times have changed. I’ve changed. I'm not the weak little orphan from Keramzin anymore. I may not be strong, but I am more now. Different. I had to be because of this power, because of all the people depending on it. Why couldn’t he see that?** “So what? You have no idea what she’s like, what this place has been like for me. The fear, the responsibility--”

“I know that. I know and I can see the toll it’s taking. But you chose this. You have a purpose. I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore.” [...]

**The rage boiled inside, heat rose to my cheeks and ears. “Coward,” I spat as viciously as I could. Surprise swims in his eyes as he registers my verbal attack. Despite the outburst, a door inside me slams shuts. “I chose nothing.” I say coldly. He stiffens at my change of tone. “I did not choose to be born with this power. I did not choose to wage this war. I did not choose to go after the stag,” I twisted the knife.

A mix of hurt, desperation and fear contorts his face. I know he remembers. It was his idea to go after the stag--to get it before the Darkling could so I could be used against the Darkling in time, just as everyone here was planning on doing. He shakes his head in denial.** [...] “You came here for Ravka. For the firebird. To lead the Second Army.” He tapped the sun over his heart. “I came here for you. You’re my flag. You’re my nation. But that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Do you realize this is the first time we’ve really been alone in weeks?” **Brief shock overcame me.**

The knowledge of that settled over us. The room seemed unnaturally quiet. Mal took a single tentative step toward me. Then he closed the space between us in two long strides. One hand slid around my waist, the other cupped my face. Gently, he tilted my mouth up to his. “Come back to me,” he said softly. **The tenderness in his voice pulled at my heart and thaws it. The door that slammed shut creaked open just a bit. This. This was what I yearned for--what I’ve been missing. Him. His love, his affection. No pride and no barriers to stand in our way. My body relaxed in response.** He drew me to him, but as his lips met mine, something flickered in the corner of my eye.

The Darkling was standing behind Mal. I stiffened. Mal pulled back. “What?” he said. “Nothing. I just...” I trailed off **as fear choked me. I didn’t know what to say.** The Darkling was still there. “Tell him you see me when he takes you in his arms,” **he taunts. His voice was too raw. Too real. It shattered me.** I squeezed my eyes shut. Mal dropped his hands and stepped away from me, his fingers curling into fists. “I guess that’s all I needed to know.” **Panic rose in my chest.** “Mal--” “You should have stopped me. All that time I was standing there, going on like a fool. If you didn’t want me, you should have just said so.” “Don’t feel too bad, tracker,” said the Darkling. **Each word sounded like shattering glass and it was hard for me to not cringe anymore than I already had.** “All men can be made fools.” “That’s not it--” I protested. “Is it Nikolai?” “What? No!” “Another otazt’sya, Alina?” the Darkling mocked. Mal shook his head in disgust. “I let him push me away. The meetings, the council sessions, the dinners. I let him edge me out. Just waiting, hoping that you’d miss me enough to tell them all to go to hell.” I swallowed, trying to block out the vision of the Darkling’s cold smile. **He knows. He knows I won’t say anything more. I’ll let Mal believe this lie rather than tell him what I truly see. He knows I’m too afraid to face that truth.**

[...] “Mal--” **Faltering before I truly begin. He’s slipping. I need to say something. Anything. But what? What can I say to make him stay? Pain strikes me as I realized there wasn’t a better option than nothing.** [...] “I don’t want to hear about [...] Ravka or the amplifiers or any of it.” He slashed his hand through the air. “I’m done.” He turned on his heel and strode toward the door.

“Wait!” I rushed after him and reached for his arm. **Desperation clung to me. I wanted to feel the warmth of his skin on mine. I hoped for it to drive away this coldness I felt inside.**

He turned around so fast, I almost careened into him. “Don’t, Alina.”

**My heart broke. He was already pushing me away. I can see that the distance was much more than the few inches between us.** “You don’t understand--” I said, **faltering again. How could I put it into words he wouldn’t judge me for? How could I think of him so often after all that he’s done? Why do I keep seeing the Darkling? Mal would be disgusted of me.**

“You flinched. Tell me you didn’t.” “It wasn’t because of you!” **I just wished he’d believe me.** Mal laughed harshly. “I know you haven’t had much experience. But I’ve kissed enough girls to know what that means. Don’t worry. It won’t happen again.” The words hit me like a slap. He slammed the door behind him.

I stood there, staring at the closed doors. I reached out and touched the bone handle. **I know you haven’t had much experience. But I’ve kissed enough girls to know what that means. His words ring in my head, cutting through me like a double-edged knife.** You can fix this, I told myself. You can make this right. But I just stood there, frozen. [..] I bite down hard on my lip to silence the sob that shook my chest. That’s good, I thought as the tears spilled over. That way the servants won’t hear. An ache had started between my ribs, a hard, bright shard of pain that lodged beneath my sternum, pressing tight against my heart.

**I turned and leaned against the door, gasping for breath while trying not to let the sobs erupt. I see him fully now, standing exactly where he was behind Mal, just before the bed. The moonlight shone against his tall silhouette and illuminated his broad shoulders, his strong arms. I can see his perfect face, a smile no longer on his lips. He had the mercy to not look smug. Instead, his face was stony and cold but there was something dark swirling in his eyes that I couldn’t make out. I pinned him in place with a look, offering nothing but anger, hatred, and resentment.

I brought my hands to my face, my fingers curling and slightly tugging at my roots. Angrily, I spoke, my voice becoming louder with each question. “Why do I keep seeing you? Why are you here? Why must you torture me like this?” I’m nearly begging him for answers. My hands slashed the air between us, frustrated. “Must you make me drive him away?” I can read his face clearly now. The problem with wanting is that it makes you weak.

He thaws and looks at me disgustingly lovingly. His eyes were soft as he wrapped his hands around one of mine then laid it over his heart. The other caressed my cheek. Gently, he answers,“Yes, I do because you must realize that in this world, there is only you and I. There is no one else like us: powerful. Your power is growing every day. As much as you love him, he could never love you without fearing you first. And as much as you want him to be there for you--to understand you, he simply can’t. He is otazt’sya. None of them will ever know you the way I do. None will understand the hunger for more power or the delight we feel when we use it. There is no one who will not fear you or judge you. Only I can understand you. Only I will not fear or judge you for what you are. You are Alina Starkov, my equal. We were made opposites, but are halves to the other. We were meant to be together.”

I try to yank my hand back from his chest, but I am frozen. I try again, but to no avail. His words shake me to my core. Knowingly, he says nothing and silently urges me on. How? How was he able to read me so well? How did he know so much about how I felt? Of all people, how could he know what I was going through when he wasn’t even here with me? Or real? Shame and resentment filled me. We wage a silent battle, looking into each other’s eyes, acutely aware of the other. We stayed like that for a long time, so long, my body relaxed and grew used to his presence.

I finally break the silence.“...Why won’t you just let me be?” My voice broke. He was only a figment of my mind playing tricks on me. He wasn’t real... so why did he look so real? Why did this feel so real? He was an itch that I couldn’t soothe. I keep scratching to try and ease the itching but it only makes things worse and now I’m bleeding.

“If I did that, you’d be alone.” His words felt like a bucket of cold water washing over me. Loneliness? Wasn’t that his fear? You don’t understand, my words to Mal echoed again. I’d meant he didn’t understand that I’d actually flinched from him because of the Darkling, not because I didn’t want him but had I meant something else too? Was what the Darkling was saying true? With this new found power of mine, was loneliness my fear now as well? My blood turned cold at that truth. Yes, it was... ‘Sankt Alina’, they’d whispered during prayers. They’d praised the Sun Summoner without cease but I saw the look in their eyes. Admiration was there on the surface but it was fear that had driven them--fear of me... of my power. I saw the way servants never stood too closely, the way they flinched at my every move. I saw the way peers did their best to dance around me with their words. People claimed to worship the Saint but I saw their pity. No one wants this kind of responsibility or this raw hunger for power in any life.

“Alone...” I whispered. “Is that what we are?” As soon as I let the words out, I felt it: alone. It kicked me in the gut and nearly choked the air from my lungs. Tears well in my eyes again and spilled over without cease. My body gives way to the weight in my heart and I sink to the floor. The harsh reality that no one would ever understand drowns me. The fear courses through like an unforgiving tsunami. Breathing became difficult. No one could ever understand me. No one except the Darkling.**

I didn’t hear the Darkling move; I only knew when he was beside me. His long fingers brushed the hair back from my neck and rested on the collar. When he kissed my cheek, his lips were cold, **and I welcomed it, begrudgingly. We were alone, together.**

[franeridart]

fran i dont understand the last art?? is it a noragami au since the weapons are people?? help my dumb ass senpai

It’s !!!! okay anon why would you be dumb just for not knowing a fandom with an anime that finished airing eight years ago and a manga that finished publication four years ago haha it’s called Soul Eater! An incredibly good manga in my opinion, one of the best shounen ever, I would look it up if I were you :D 

Anon said:Could you possibly do a Tokoyami and Shouji fusion? I just love your art style with bnha!! It's fine if you don't want to though! ヾ(*´∀｀*)ﾉ

I already did!!! :O and thank you so much!!!

Anon said:i love your art, so i looked through all 64 pages of your art tag. cant wait to see more!! ;)

Thank you!!!! °O° though.... the older stuff... we could maybe pretend that never existed ever........ that’d be nice......... lmao

Anon said:followed you the second I finished reading that bakugou analysis

I take you’re of my same opinion on the matter!!! That’s nice to know hahaha 

Anon said:You really don't need to respond!! but I thought you might get a laugh at this idea. Denki convinces the squad to do GOTG w/ him for a costume party (A LOT of begging involved... he was obsessed with GOTG at the time) and gets Momo to make their costumes. Katsuki finds out the day of that he assigned him Rocket (assumed he'd be Drax) 😂. (Kami=SL, Mina=Gamora, Sero=Groot, Kiri=Drax). Denki tells him don't worry, all he has to do is be himself to get into character and runs off cackling.

Okay this is adorable hahaha I love it, though I gotta admit I can totally see Bakugou having Rocket as his favorite anyway, he’s exactly the type of character Bakugou might relate to (the “of course I care about the planets and the plants and the animals on those planets!” “and the people!” “...meh” exchange is an incredibly Bakugou thing haha)

Anon said:🌺 Send this to 10 other bloggers you think are wonderful. Keep the game going, make someone smile!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (｡’▽’｡)♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Anon said: Shoosh pap

.............I should have expected this ask haha

Anon said:you used the tag limit lmao (for the comic doodle about bakugou's temp)

:O I can see all of them, tho! If the last one you can see is “and yet”, then that’s exactly where I meant to stop lol

Anon said:As far as whether Baku gets cold fast or slow; it's not the same because I don't have a sweat related quirk obviously but I run a constant temperature of 105°F or 40.5°C (maybe that's my quirk) and it takes me a long ass time to get cold so maybe it's like that?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks for the info!!!! :O that actually does make sense!

Anon said:I actually do like inko and I think she's a pretty good parent, all things considered-- but I cannot condone the whole "I'm so sorry izuku" thing, simply bc inko is more important to izuku than bakugou. If bakugou says something like "deku, youre worthless", while it is very cruel it definitely 100% will not hurt as much as izukus own mother saying "izuku I'm so sorry that your dreams will never come true". But the good things that she understands her mistake and has apologized to izuku for it.

I mean, yeah! For a long while in the manga I was like, okay, easy to say “oops I was wrong” now that you have actual proofs of the fact you were wrong and you can’t deny the fact that Izuku could make it as a hero since he’s into UA, easy to say “I support you” now that it’s obvious he can make it, using the easy way out much, but I’m always 100% open and supportive of characters that realize their mistakes and change for the better, so even if she had to wait for every condition to be in her favor before she could realize her mistake as long as she got it, that she had finally decided to be a supportive mother I was!!! Super happy for her and about it and ready to like her as much as possible! 

And then she had to go and tell Izuku she wasn’t letting him back into UA. Like, don’t get me wrong, I understand the fear for his life she has as a mother - she didn’t have fifteen years like everyone else to get used to the fact that her boy was set on becoming a hero (...since she refused to acknowledge the possibility, even though Izuku was working to become one without a quirk anyway like, she should have been even more worried for his safety before he got the quirk but WHATEVER) so she’s scared for him, and Izuku’s been hurt a lot since starting UA so I get it, but you don’t just pull the “I’m pulling him out of school” card, in front of Izuku’s teacher, mentor AND greatest hero, without ever discussing the thing with Izuku first? Without even asking for his imput on the matter, or giving him an heads up? As if she owns his whole life? 

I’m your mother I decide what’s best for you and what you want doesn’t matter at all - that’s.... that’s not growing up and learning, and that’s the literal opposite of being supportive. That’s allowing your son to have fun as long as it’s okay with you, and then going “okay, game’s done, who cares that you finally found a way to reach your goal, a place you belong to and are way happier than I’ve ever seen you before, I don’t like it so you can’t keep going”

I’m sorry, but I really, really can’t like Inko if she keeps on being like that. She’s literally the biggest hindrance on Izuku’s path to a fulfilling, happy life, and I need her to stop being like that before I can actually change my mind about her orz

Anon said:side note re: asshole bakugou and deku's development - the manga's translation is //very liberal// in trying to make it sound more 'western' in regards to how in japanese things are more formal (?) baku's demeanor and language would be considered incredibly rude so the translators try and shift the language for the english reading audience. what's probably considered absolutely reprehensible for english readers only seems that way because of how they've tried to adapt it.

Oh, yeah, that too! As long as you stick to mangastream’s translations they’re a bit more literal, but there’s a lot of things that Bakugou says/does that are just... a localization to give the “rude” feeling. Then again, he is an asshole, so you never know what he actually said and what’s just a liberal interpretation haha

Anon said:I love your art style so much! And all your Bakushima doodles and comics are super wonderful!

Ohhhhhh gods thank you so much !!!!! *O*

Anon said:are kendou's feet backwards?

...anon... my friend... why would I draw Kendou’s feet backwards.........

Anon said:Fran the comic about kiribaku and the balconies is--well, let's just say I have a new headcanon and a new otp.

THAT!!!! Makes me super happy to know!!!! :O I’m glad I could make you like those two a bit more

Anon said:Can I suggest you to draw todokami (todoroki and kaminari) please? It's a really rare pair and I would love to see it in your style but if you don't want to or are uncomfortable doing so I understand ^^ ily keep up the good work

Ahhhhhhhhhh it’s not like I’m uncomfortable with it, I just... don’t understand the ship at all? So finding inspiration to draw it is really hard for me, I wouldn’t even know where to begin! sorryyyyy m(;_;)m

Anon said:Everytime I see u posted I honestly gasp a little and then literally whatever it is just makes me happy and smile and ???? Honestly I'm blessed you're so good and lovely and * throws confetti* I hope you have a lovely day and I just wanted to let you know you bring light into my life

Holy smokes thank you so much??? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ;O; this really really means a lot to me, I’m so glad I can make you smile? Ahhhh mannnn!!!! ( ˊᵕˋ )♡.°⑅

Anon said:the sweet little bakushima comic that u just posted is my favorite ! piece of ! bnha art ! I've ever seen ! so good. so warm. thank u for sharing ur talent and ideas!! sending u love

Your favorite???? Oh my g o d ;O; thank you??? I’m super glad you liked it aaahhhhhhhh

Anon said:Fran I'm w e a k for everything u do... esp soft boys. You kill me with those.

Soft boys are the best and also my very own weakness too so I!!! try!!!! I’m glad you like them too!!!!!!!! (♡´艸`)

Anon said:THANK YOU FOR THE QUALITY KIRIBAKU YOU ARE A BLESSING

THANK YOU FOR LIKING THE STUFF I MAKE, ANON!!!!! °O°

Anon said:KENDOU!! IS SO GOOD!! YOU DRAW HER SO GOOD!!!! ily fran

G O D S thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m!!!! seriously glad I could make her pretty, she’s so beautiful to me!!!!

Anon said:is it possible to have a crush on someone's art ??? bc i sure do have one on yours it's gorgeous

OKAY HOLY SHIT THIS IS IT I’M OFFICIALLY SLAIN THANK YOU I’M RIP

[perhapshomo]

how kinky is your grillby? is he kinky like mines? or more mellow? or he da same but doesn't show it? oh! oh! does sans even find grillby's yandereiness attractive? and finding that out, would grillby be like, more yandere?

okay, so, he’s probably not as kinky as yours, because there’s some stuff he’s just uncomfortable with or can get uncomfortable with (like sans calling him daddy after finding out thats a thing asgore and gaster did), but he’s also very adapting and just kind of curious, like he wouldn’t mind giving everything a shot at least, before deciding that’s not his kinda thingright now i’m also just very careful with not making him/them (including sans) too kinky because they’re kids or at least young adults and i just dont think they would full-on bdsm fuck with the age of 17and also because grillby knows sans is not as open-minded about all that stuff and he doesn’t want to get kinkshamed, or more rationally thinking, accidentially scare him away/grossing him out with suggesting something like sounding or so

as of the yandere part, my friendly lovely friend who wants me to write the entire thing i already told you about out again, fuck you

[x]

[x]

if theyre too small to read the [x] are links to the full-size screenshots

okay edit:sans isn’t actually attracted to it. he doesn’t mind a bit protectiveness, but the whole yandere thing might actually scare him. theoretically it would be possible that there might be a hypothetical event where sans is in danger and grillby all heroically threatens/beats whoevers endangering sans up (and sans did not just get raped) and sans would be all like “oh shit thats hot” but it’d be because he’s into grillby being badass in general, the whole “he might as well chase them down tonight and kill them for me” thing is not something he is into

edit, because comic wants to know more about the just possessive part and not the yandere and doesnt think of specifying so >:( he doesnt mind the possessive shtick as much, but thats bc grillby simply isnt rly all that possessive yetif he would be more possessive, would start getting controlling and saying that sans’ belongs to him, he would mind that, yeaso ive been sitting here staring at this line for as long as youve tried to explain me what you mean with ur ask, because im really not sure as to how to explain this, but lemme give it a shot anyways:sans is the kind of person who may not necessarily need a lot of space and privacy, but he needs his freedom. he doesnt want to have to tell anyone where hes going, even if he would do so anyways. he probably wouldve gone to school a lot more if it wouldve been an option rather than something he has to dohes his own person, and while he loves grillby and doesnt mind the commitment of a relationship and that stuff at all, he still is his own person. he still belongs to himself and no one else

i hope youre fucking happy 🖕🖕🖕🖕

[zappsbrannigan]

ok, barely i touch this topic here anymore but today...i felt like doin it because:

-Today’s osomatsus episode about Hatabu wanting friends was pretty much me on the 2013-2014 n even before that like a young me (even nowdays) n how without notice it he is surounded with good pals...n that was much a wholesome thing because usually media tells u “FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC!!!!” or “PEOPLE SUCKS!! THEY WILL HURT YOU!!”...im glad to see like a gray area about it, the whole difference between “alone” and “being lonely” n is pretty much how i feel often...

learn to be grateful about people who really loves you and especially being thankful about your own improvement and achivements even if u dont notice it, they’re always there.

that might be a definitive opinion ‘til...ok also tonight i finished to read a manga called Orange (i didnt see the whole anime cus bad adaptation) but...basically talks about save a friend from the suicide...

i try dont be “DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY” since Kakeru’s story is different to mine (involves his mother,he had a good mother n family) but...how he feels...the whole 

“if i dont tell them how i feel then it will be fine, i need to be strong”

“nothing will change if i dissapear”

“i have to live but i dont have hopes anymore”

...even how he died....it was how i tried to kill myself on 2015 (gettin hit from a car) n...im not gonna lie i cried while i was readin because here is when...ok “the friendship won” happened but also how his mind gets recovered...how someone can start to live again after an experence...isnt only is being alive pysically is also mentally CONVINCE YOURSELF....the guilt and start to hating yourself. To be honest even if im glad isnt 2015 anymore...sometimes i have nightmares about death (in fact last night i dreamed someone went into my home and started to shoot everyone there) n that situation i lived stills hauntin me...i have to learn live with that monster also my mentail illnesses...

and you know i let myself to slowly destroy myself back then??? i felt lonely even if i had friends...i was doin it so bad at college then (i skipped classes n i was very very late on propurse), i was being bullied on that place,i lived scared, i wasnt able to sleep or eat properly, familiar issues started to come up (my mom workin the whole day, my dad without a job...n they had to pay my school what i was doin so bad), i wasnt eating properly (i might spent the whole day without eat), i didnt even wanted to take showers (do u know what is spent a WHOLE week or even more without touch a soap??) because i started to discover my own body (im not cis) i hated it more than i hate it now, i was also hurting me myself...i had lots of bruises on my body,bite my own arms...pull away my own hair,cut myself...n is all i can remember or tell...i felt so lonely...n i let it happen because i never told no one HOW I REALLY I FELT....

I even remembered...the only time i cried about these problems with my mom on a park she wasnt that sure about what...because an adult being bullied?? that exists??...by the way i felt i never had support, n that doesnt help when people tells u “all you do is annoy people” “you’re retarded” or “you make everything difficult for everyone” basically 24/7

i was so tired of everything...that simply a day i exploded , i decided to leave everything...call a friend for go to the cinema ,enjoy my “last day” and let it everything go...but things happen for something...n i didnt run into that car in middle of the night even if i was like 5 minutes standin up...

in some way thanks to people i never saw irl (yet) they helped me (especially who’s actually my gf, what a huge patience) to...ok, isnt only the “power of the friendship” because u can try n be only talkin to the wall...but slowly...i started to listen??? to do things??? im not gonna say “IM PERFECT NOW” but...it gets better....nothing cant be compared to that day...nothing cant be compared to these days...i dont want to live with a lot of guilt

after that...when i started to open my heart or to complain...whatever u want to call it, not everyone were able to handle that i dont blame them...and even if i wanted to fix the things; things happen for something

at least on my own experence...nobody is alone on the sense...u can seek for help, is never late, there will be a solution for everything except for death; n learn to recognize everyday u do something for be better...even if is tiny... an example....IVE BEEN TAKIN SHOWERS 3 DAYS ON A ROW, something it might be imposible on the 2014-15...at the end of the day you live your own life...but i will put it on this way “people cant change but you can be the reason someone can change a bit”

yes...i still hating my body, part of my personality, (i have despersonalitazion n bpd) a lot of infections (bad health),bad familiar situation...but...at least i have a way to express how much disgust i feel...i feel the freedom to at least try to vent...try to do things, help to people i also care...being a bit more strong everyday...n there are more details that make me want to say...i dunno ‘bout u but

[tonedpins]

One rule for the cunts and one rule for everyone else.

I received this lovely ask today and now is the time for me to answer…

To put you in context, I received an anonymous message 2 days ago (to which I’m pretty sure this one is related to) that I decided not to reply to for a couple of reasons. The most important reason being that it’s related to one of my personal friend, named in said message, and I don’t want that person to feel like they have to address it publicly if they don’t want to, the choice is theirs to make.

The message was asking me about why I had not said anything about my friend meeting Catherine when I had been so quick to judge people at the stage door in Bath, and then went on to say that my friend followed Catherine to have a conversation with her and feel like she’s better than everybody else, the message also said ‘‘that’s like not overly familiar at all’’.Here are the twitter post I made about the stage door situation;

I’ve just witness the most ridiculous behaviour from people that call themselves fans, since when backing someone in a corner is acceptable?

I felt so bad for Jemma, she was clearly feeling stock and wanted some room to move… and Jules was just a sweetheart trying to help

I wish I was, and honestly I don’t care that this might make me hated by some of the fandom but it needed to be said!

I dont know how anyone could feel good about taking a picture with them in that kind of environnement

My Twitter is x0xmarie0x0 and the post where made on April 1st, 2017

(To those wondering, I checked and I didn’t made a post on Tumblr related to this, I thought I had but apparently not) 

I still stand by what I said that day, now, if you were there and have a completely different feeling about how things went, it’s your opinion and I respect it, but this is how I personally felt and it’s not going to change. This was not normal stage door behaviour, I get being excited but it doesn’t excuse invading people’s personal space like some did. I also know I’m not the only person who felt that way. I have personally waited at a stage door for a mega movie star in the past and even that wasn’t as intense as what happened that day.

Like I said, I’m not going to name or tag the person about whom those messages seems to be related to because I want them to be able to choose to address it or not, it’s their choice, not mine to make. (I have deleted posts that would have made it clear as to whom it is for this exact reason) What I can tell you about them is that yes, they indeed had an ‘‘out of the ordinary’’ moment with Catherine and I’m one of the few that person chose to share it with. I’m not going to give any specific details about it, not only for them but also to respect Catherine and what she decided to share or not share with that person. I don’t know how the words got out and how this anon heard about it, I’ve personally shared a bit more details than what I’m writing here to some friends I trust wouldn’t have said anything. The only thing I might have told (or been overheard sharing) is how Catherine told that person Jemma was going to be at that specific representation of WTBS, it is the only way I could see as to how that anon knew I knew about my friend and Catherine meeting. The last thing I can had about this meeting is that they have not followed Catherine anywhere in the way the message implied, I know for a fact that person was thinking about not meeting Catherine at all during their trip.

I want to make it clear that I do not think my friend or myself are perfect, or that my opinion (or theirs) is better than anyone else. I’m also not doing this just to defend someone I care about, I’m doing this because I’m sick and tired of fandom wars and people not being respectful towards one another. I don’t believe in going into people ask box, using the anonymous feature, to call people names (in this case c*nts… really, what are we, 10yrs old?) and try to start fights. Don’t you think maybe people would feel more free about sharing their experiences if they didn’t have to be scared some people would get jealous and start harassing them or their friends? I have heard about private messsage boards/forums where people actually ask members to harass others because they said something they didn’t agree with or felt like something someone said was disrespectful towards Catherine or Jemma. That’s what I call online bullying and being someone who was the victim of this specific kind of bullying I cannot stay silent about this.

I know that I am a really opinionated person (I mean, look at the size of this post) and sometimes I understand how people could interpret it as me thinking I’m better than others (which I swear I don’t) and I sometimes react a bit too quickly and don’t take time to process things before publicly saying something. I made friends in this fandom with people I don’t always agree with (including the friend I’m specifically talking about here) and, in all honesty, I sometime even feel a tiny bit of jealousy when it comes to my (berena) friends having opportunities or experiences I don’t or didn’t get to have. I am far from being perfect and definitely never thought me or any of my friends are, I’ll be the first to admit when I was wrong about something (even if it hurts my ego) and am ready to talk things out with people when needs to be. I certainly don’t know everything but one thing I do know is that no one deserve to ever feel like they are less than others or that they don’t have the right to enjoy things because others don’t think they should.

I’m also going to take the time to rant (because let’s face it, this is partly what I’m doing here) on a couple of different things; 

Catherine and Jemma DO NOT have to do all the things they do for us, it’s nice of them to take the time to share part of their time and lives and I think it’s our responsibility to make sure they have a great time doing it. I’m not saying we have to agree with all they do or say, but we can make sure that even when we don’t we all stay polite towards them and each other.

One of the particularity of this fandom is how much we try to support both Catherine and Jemma but also their friends and family. I personally follow most of their family members on most social media, and I’m the first one to admit I shouldn’t interact with them as much as I do, but I think it’s important to remember that some of them are less comfortable with the attention than others and they don’t have to deal with their mum/wife/sister/friend fans like they do and we should all stay respectful of their boundaries. I’m just trying to say that maybe we should evaluate the reasons why we support them and then adapt our support accordingly. There’s nothing wrong with you going to see one of Sam show because you really find him funny (I’m planning on doing it next time I’m in London), nothing wrong if you love Poppy’s music and poetry (I know I personally love all of it) and want to tell her about it, nothing wrong if you are excited about Gab’s new/latests projects, but all of it isn’t right if you do it only to get recognition from Catherine and Jemma. These people are their owns entities and they deserve to be loved and respected for who they are and not because of whom their parents are.

Conventions season is here and a lot of lucky people will get to meet both Jemma and Catherine in London (sadly I won’t be able to attend), and the week after, Jemma in Birmingham (I’ll be there), so please people, make the experiences enjoyable for not only Jemma and Catherine but for all the other fans going. This includes not screaming random stuff to get their attention while they are meeting up with people (I’ve seen this happen, I should really say experienced it, in Bath and in all honesty those people are really lucky I didn’t want to cause a scene), some people might be more nervous than others, some might take a bit more time with them for a lot of reasons, some might choose to share private things with them they don’t want to tell everyone else so please mind your own business until it’s your time with them. I would also encourage people to help eachother out, if it’s not your first time at a Con and you realize it’s the first time for someone else and they don’t really know how it works give them pointers, if you see someone being so nervous they feel like running away, they might simply need for someone to be there and tell them it’s going to be alright. If it’s your first time doing this kind of thing, please do a bit of research, it will help you and others in the long run (I know it did for me). Last thing, if it’s not your first time meeting them, be mindful of that and let others have their moments with them too, we want as many people as possible to be able to experience this at its fullest and to have fun doing it. At the end of the day, what we want is for them to continue doing these kind of things with us, isn’t it? So please, don’t be an a*shole.

Catherine is really open, and I mean REALLY open about stuff online which means that we also are pretty open in the way we reply to her (me the first) but I’ve seen some weird and maybe a bit to personal and inappropriate things being said to her on Twitter, so for the love of god (or whatever you believe in) please remember that this is public and for everyone to see and that she’s human and even though I’m sure she doesn’t get shocked by much maybe they are things she shouldn’t or doesn’t want to know.

I could definitely go on and on (as you can probably tell by the length of this post) but I will stop after these few words;

The Berena fandom was (and still is) a really special place for a lot of people and it pains me to see that yet again a fandom I liked can’t seem to stick together because of different opinions on multiple of subjects. We have the chance to be in a fandom that connect people from different part of the world, coming from different backgrounds, different age groups, and we all connected with Berena for so many different reasons. Shouldn’t this be enough?

And to this lovely anon (I’m pretty sure I know who you are) next time you have something to tell me, please come off anon and let’s have a nice and civilise conversation (in private or publicly) but please know that I do not respond well to people calling me, or my friend, c*nts and I won’t let anyone try to intimidate me (been there, done that, not gonna let it happen again) so, you can stop this right now. And to anyone who doesn’t like me or what I have to say, it’s fine, you have the right to, ignore me (that’s what I usually do) or even block me if you need to but please don’t try to pick fights with me or the people I care about. (Collectormania won’t be the moment to try to speak to me unless you have something nice to say, I’m going there to enjoy myself and spend time with people I love and to meet Jemma not to create drama, leave me alone!)

On this note,

Good Night!

[burnsyourlipsmate]

“a black man’s game” - larry bird

Racism in the NBA and how it shaped its history

by Isaac Javier

2015 was the year of the #BlackLivesMatter movement. A movement spawned in the United States from one-too-many occurrences of specific police brutality in cops killing African-American citizens, for ever-unjustifiable reasons. Tamir Rice (Aged 12), Sandra Bland, Quinito LeGrier and Bettie Jones, Freddie Gray, and Eric Garner are just few of the names that grabbed the headlines by becoming causalities to the hands of white police officers. Racism is deeply rooted in America, and the apple does not fall far from the tree that is racism and bigotry. 

America is also shaped by the capabilities of influences, and being heard – Malcolm X, Muhammad Ali, and Martin Luther King, few the people in America’s rich history who used their voice to make a change and significantly alter the course of American history,and how America was viewed and understood by the rest of the world. It is home to the greatest of people, and also the worst of them.

One of today’s more influential forces in the country is the NBA, the biggest basketball league in the world. Over 26 million Americans play basketball, it is also big in Europe and Asia – with a growing market, worked by the NBA by globalising their brand through hosting games and basketball camps overseas. The NBA has indeed a very large following in the United States, and in around the world. They simply cannot afford any animosities towards their reputation as they are spotlighted by their millions of followers from all corners of the globe. They then did do good to follow up on this responsibility. They are known to be one of the more progressive sports organisations in the United States as they were blessed with open minded and good-willed leaders in then-commissioner David Stern and current commissioner Adam Silver. They did all the right things which led to the NBA being the global force that it is today – adapting to changes in the culture as time progresses, television deals which led to much needed revenue, eradicating the drug culture and reputation amongst their players, and most importantly, maintaining racial harmony within the league, a far cry from what the country was exhibiting.

‘a team official said, “Whites in Dallas are simply not interested in paying to see an all-black team and the black population alone cannot support us.”’

The NBA is played a significant role in the African-American renaissance in America with a good percentage of its athletes being black. But it was not always like this in the NBA, where racial harmony is prettified and is an unwritten priority – anything amiss would be pounded on and eradicated as quickly as it spawned (see: Donald Sterling, Bruce Levenson). The NBA  went through a ‘dark age’ where it struggled to hold its own as a national sports league with their popularity becoming stagnant, and even declining. A lack of entertainment value in the games is one of the most recognised causes to this decrease, with the game essentially boring and hard to follow which did not attract potential consumers and fans. There was also instances of drug abuse by the players. This brought the league’s reputability at an all time low. This was the 70s in the NBA.

This era was also known for the influx and increasing prominence of black athletes. As the decade began the NBA was 60% African-American, and by the end of the decade, it grew to 75%. All the while, the leagues popularity declined. At some point, and surprisingly enough, fingers were pointed towards the black population of the NBA as the reason for the decline. Not the lack of stability with its officials, nor the failure to expand the organisation, nor the quality and entertainment value of the games, nor the lack of coverage and accessibility, but the black athletes who added flamboyance, athleticism and flair to the league as oppose to the otherwise humdrum playing style that the players exhibited in the past.

An article published by the Trenton Evening Times in 1980 attempted to point out why the NBA was in the state that it was in – they mentioned the ‘sameness’ of games and the “all you have to do is watch the last five minutes” canard, along with the notion that professional basketball is ‘too black’. Sports Illustrated also shared the same criticism of the NBA where they point out that “the casual viewer can enjoy the essence of any NBA contest by simply watching the final two minutes.”, as well as the influence of the rising number of black players “Still others feel that the growing preponderance of blacks on the court is a factor”.

Fast forward to 2014, Atlanta Hawks co-owner Bruce Levenson sent a racially insensitive email suggesting that their struggles in ticket sales were in relation to the black demographic of the Hawk’s fan base. Levenson singled out their culture, degree of affluence, and their blackness as the reason why the rest of the more affluent (white) demographic of the Hawk’s fan base are scared to show up to games.

“one day a light bulb went off. when digging into why our season ticket base is so small, i was told it is because we can’t get 35-55 white males and corporations to buy season tixs and they are the primary demo for season tickets around the league. when i pushed further, folks generally shrugged their shoulders. then i start looking around our arena during games and notice the following:

– it’s 70 pct black

– the cheerleaders are black

– the music is hip hop

– at the bars it’s 90 pct black

– there are few fathers and sons at the games

– we are doing after game concerts to attract more fans and the concerts are either hip hop or gospel.”

Levenson even aimed to justify his theory by saying “that the black crowd scared away the whites and there are simply not enough affluent black fans to build a signficant [sic] season ticket base. Please dont get me wrong … i never felt uncomfortable, but i think southern whites simply were not comfortable being in an arena or at a bar where they were in the minority “.

He then showed seemingly genuine remorse in his issued apology. This also occurred amidst the infamous Donald Sterling (then-owner of the Los Angeles Clippers) fiasco, where recorded phone calls revealed his strong feelings against one of his female friends attending Clippers games with a black man. He has then been ousted as the owner of the Clippers and was sanctioned a lifetime ban from the NBA.

In the 1970s and 80s, people in and around the league openly shared the same mentality. Team owners and executives often justify racism by bringing up the formulaic difference of the affluence of the black and white consumers at that time. They aimed to shift their operations in favour of the more affluent white majority, whose money they needed. This was also blatantly done. One team owner, according to Sports Illustrated in 1979, claimed that “the teams are too black.” He goes on further to say “How can you sell a black sport to a white public?“. From a financial and marketing standpoint, that mentality would be reasonable as some potential sponsors shied away from the NBA during that time as they would alienate white (affluent) consumers, as noted in the book Playing for Keeps.

Actual occurrences against black athletes, based on this mentality, indeed happened. In 1972, Dallas’ ABA team released four black players, a team official said, “Whites in Dallas are simply not interested in paying to see an all-black team and the black population alone cannot support us.” In the late 1960s, the then-St. Louis Hawks were known to blatantly insert white players in their starting line-up exclusively for home games to accommodate their predominantly white fan base.   Before Ted Stepien bought the Cleveland Cavaliers in 1980, he promised, “half the squad would be white… White people have to have white heroes.” He tried to squash a subsequent controversy by insisting his statements (surprisingly) were merely “in a context of marketing.” (Stepien also explained away anti-Semitic remarks by noting that he “has a Jewish lawyer.”)

Oddly enough, the racist movement helped shape NBA history. It is arguable that Michael Jordan had one of the luckiest careers of any athlete. Everything fell into place for him – he had devoted and very supportive parents in James and Deloris Jordan, he was also one of the most athletically gifted individuals to ever grace the hardwood, along with an influx of good people surrounding him, good coaches, teammates, and rivals – which led Jordan being widely [and arguably] considered to be the greatest player of all time. Little did people know, that somewhere along the line, and in the most bizarre of circumstances, the KKK played a role in Michael Jordan’s fortunes.

The late Dean Smith intended to recruit both Michael Jordan and Patrick Ewing to North Carolina, an ever-salivating thought for Tar Heel fans. In 1980, Jordan and Ewing took a trip down to Chapel Hill to visit the school, and the overall vibe, according to both of them, was positive – Ewing, who eventually committed to Georgetown said he was ‘close’ to committing to the Tar Heels. After the visit, Ewing spent the night at an inn where he witnessed a “big” Klu Klux Klan rally which happened nearby. It was a done deal, and the rest was history. Jordan – it was never known if he did witness the rally or what would he have done if he did – committed to Dean Smith’s North Carolina and Ewing committed to Georgetown. They went on to have successful careers on their own right garnering numerous individual accolades.

This story definitely leads to some fans minds to interesting thoughts, experiments, and fan-fiction. What would’ve happened if Ewing hadn’t witnessed that rally? Would he have been the  go-to guy in Dean Smith’s Tar Heels, not allowing Jordan to flourish under the system? Would they have been a seemingly unstoppable team with a line-up boasting Jordan, Ewing, Worthy, and Perkins? Would Jordan’s career have been the same if he hadn’t had to bury a game winning jump shot against Ewing’s Georgetown? Would their NBA careers unfolded any differently? If they became close, would they have attempted to link up in the pros? Six rings? Greatest of all time? And so on.

It would be weird and downright absurd to thank the KKK, or any racial-driven movements or ideologies for how the history of the NBA formulated, but no one could deny the unescapable influence of it. But it’s also important to be aware that NBA history could’ve – would’ve – unfolded very differently if not for a bunch of people being dickheads.

[fairycosmos]

hfjks i'm turning 17 in march and start my last year of high school on monday and i'm just. absolutely scared shitless. like, i'm filled w this overwhelming feeling of 'i wasn't meant to make it this far' or i thought that if i did, things would be better! but they're not! everything's worse and it's 1am on sunday and i'm having a fucking panic attack i hate the way my life is turning out i'm sorry for ranting i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

dude, it’s okay. seriously it’s going to be okay. dont apologize, there’s nothing to be sorry for ! take a breath. i know you’re only two years younger than me but you are Young, and you literally have so much fuckin time. you’re still in school. that’s the only thing you need to worry about. it doesn’t seem that way, i know, but it’s true. of course, it’s a little scary to start your last year, and it’s totally natural to feel that way. the progression of time puts things in perspective, and sometimes it’s uncomfortable to face up to it. but it’s a discomfort you get used to. and it definitely won’t always be this intense. process the fear. dont try to push it away. allow it to wash over you. just cope in the healthiest way that you’re able to, in this moment. that’s all you need to do. you cant choose whether or not you’re anxious/depressed, but you can choose how you physically deal with those experiences, right? you’re not trapped. you have options even if yr mind is preventing you from realizing that. try talking to people you trust, or using self affirmations, or focusing on a hobby instead of fixating on this one temporary feeling of anxiety - any safe tactic is good enough. the fact is this: you’re going to adapt and evolve over the next year - when the future actually happens, you’ll be ready for it, because you’ll have grown and learned a lot by then. you’ll almost be a different person. you’re always becoming yourself, always creating the life you were meant to have simply by experiencing it. there’s always going to be a little uncertainty, but that’s to be expected. that’s how the world works out the way it does. think about how you felt when you first started high school, right? it was weird and it fucked with your perception of reality, but you managed to build a life around it and you managed to find moments of happiness nestled within the panic of growing up. well, isn’t life just kind of like that. i cant be sure, but i genuinely believe that you’re going to be alright. you don’t hate the way your life is turning out, because your life is a constant, it’s not ‘ending up’ any sort of way. it’s just occurring, in natural highs and lows. where you’re at right now isn’t where you’ll always be. you will find your stride, your comfort zone. it’s a matter of time and letting things figure themselves out. everyone else is in the same boat, everyone you know has felt the same way at some point. and there IS support available. you can always try speaking to a counselor or your doctor, or your parents about the panic attacks if you haven’t done so already. it’s an option and it always will be. you’re not alone, so dont go about it like you are. it’s a really stressful idea, and i’m not saying you have to WANT to do it, i’m just saying - maybe consider what would be objectively best for your mental health. they’ll understand more than you think they will. i promise. and they can show you how to stop viewing the future as a looming ball of stress, so you can start seeing it as an ever changing intangibility that doesn’t even exist yet. there are ways to let the anxiety out. there’s no shame in reaching out. i dont know if this is making sense, and there’s a lot i could say but i cant focus well - just feel free to message me if you ever need someone, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’ll be here, and i get it. for now, try to be a little kind to yourself and get some rest when you can. i believe in you with all my heart. take it one day at a time for now. the present is the only thing that’s controllable. 

sync your breathing to this gif if you cant calm down: