#i dont know why i like writing diary entries so much for him

[kowaindar0u]

//

crushed cause i had a diary idea for yuichi and now I can't remember what it was 😐

Also another separate idea was something following up after the last one I wrote but I'm not sure what that was gonna be either... gotdang irl memory leak lol

[subtle-revolt]

finale

diary entry #4

i think I've finally done it. I've finally reached the end of my line. i swear I'm trying but nothing changes. I know its me. i know I'm the problem. I've been feeling it for a while now.

i tried to hang myself last week. it obviously didn't work. the damned architecture in this house doesn't have anything hangable. lame but also not lame.

i dont think the ceiling fan would be able to hold my weight, nor would I want anyone to pay for the damages for that when I go. I just cant do it anymore.

i feel so betrayed. like ive never felt before in my life. i want to run and keep running until I just fade away. I wish I could just not be anymore, to simply not exist. my heart hurts so bad, I want to tear it out.

i wish I never spoke

i wish i could just shut the fuck up and maybe then id be likeable, but I'm sick of trying to be.

it hurt my feelings today when dan said no one liked me. and maybe I got upset because I knew it was true. they like him more than they like me. why didn't they tell me before all the things he was saying about me? because I'm simply not worth it. well fuck it. they want him so bad, have him.

i can never have anyone. no one is ever truly my friend. no matter how hard I try. i cant turn to anyone.

i loved you so much. all i wanted was for you to love me back. i adored you, but now I see how much you resented me. i cant do this anymore.

how can you see me cry and sob breathlessly and do nothing to comfort me. after what you've done. i would've given you everything. i changed so much of myself to fit what you wanted. i just wish, I just wish that someone could love me. why cant I accept that? why cant I accept that I cannot be loved. why god. why have you made me so? can you recreate me so that I may be loveable please I beg you

note:

i wrote this on the 17th of Dec 2023. please understand, dear reader, that I am okay now. i am moving forward. but I hope that someone find solace in my writing and a friend who understands what it feels to be betrayed by those that you loved and the unbearable pain that follows when you cannot stop seeking their love in return

[gjjokok]

33 - January 7, 2024

Wow it has been a long time since I have had to come here. In short, I have been going on dates with John Shen for a few months now and thought it was going well, but after this Thailand White Party trip he invited me to (which hopefully, whenever I re-visit these posts, I have completely wiped from my memory) we are obviously not dating and are actually not speaking at all. I just got off of a facetime call with Tommy where he talked me through everything I went through and gave his input and experiences with John, and I genuinely love Tommy so much and really appreciate him calling me. Even though I'm crying as I write this, I think it's so helpful that I have someone like him that cares enough to call me at 4am to talk about my feelings (oh yeah it's 5:24 AM and I am apparently jetlagged and not tired at all right now so who knows when I will sleep). Tommy has a boyfriend now and I'm so happy for him that he found someone. To be honest, I am kind of terrified that I am somehow being "left behind" since all of my close friends (both in Canada and in NYC) are finding significant others, but maybe that's an entry for another time.

I write this entry tonight to get out how angry I am at John. I hate seeing and typing out his name, but I cant stop crying tonight and maybe this is the best solution.... i dont know. Some taylor swift quotes guiding my current mental state. "Seeing the shape of your name, it just spells out pain." "Writing letters addressed to the fire."

John:

I am genuinely grateful you included me in your plans for this trip in the first place. I had some amazing experience this trip that I wouldn't have had if you didn't ask me to go with you, and if you didn't know interest in me.

Having said this, I am so angry at you for making me feel like this. I haven't been so angry at someone in such a long time. It hurts to have someone lose interest in you, but it is entirely different to have someone lose interest in you without them telling you, and to have them just start being mean and indifferent towards you as a person. I can't believe that when I finally gathered the courage to ask you what was wrong, instead of sympathy for the horrible situation we were in, you instead were angry at me for discussing my feelings since it ruined the vibe of the trip. I genuinely hate being angry at being and I think it is a waste of energy, but I don't know what other emotion to feel right now. Despite some of the amazing experiences in Thailand, you could have told me that you weren't sure how you feel about me and I would have stayed in NYC and had a great NYE with my friends here. I haven't cried this much in such a long time, and even though I know I am overly emotional, I resent you for making me feel like this. You made me feel really safe and comfortable for a couple of months while we were dating, and genuinely you are one of the reasons I didn't need to make any diary entries for so long. Even though deep down I knew that we werent a perfect fit and I never saw a long term relationship for us, you at least made me feel welcomed and desired as a person. This is why it hurts so much to have you change your feelings for me in less than 24 hours. In the future, I know that I will look back on this and it will be a good learning experience, and I hope I can apply anything I learned from this in future relationships. I just hope I can get over this anger some time soon.

I am so happy and relieved to be back in NYC and I was surrounded by so many friends who care about me and care about my feelings, but I still have so much resentment that you got to just continue the trip and have fun with your friends in Singapore while I'm here alone in my Brooklyn apartment crying at 5:37 AM.

It helps writing this here instead of actually texting, since I genuinely do not want to hear from you and I know anything you would respond would be (at best) apathetic.

Lastly, I really do love myself as a person and I love the people that I surround myself with, and that makes it even more frustrating that you have somehow made me feel so horrible for the past 2 weeks. Having failed situationships and talking stages and having people lose interest hurts, but I just cant believe you would treat me so poorly after we got to know each other for months. I am so angry but I hope it goes away soon.

Ok to cap this off, here are the lyrics from "nobody likes a secret" by Lizzy McAlpine.

"I hold my anger in my stomach and i'm starting to have side effects from hating you this much

No explanation just a quote in a magazine where you said you only dated me for fun

And I'm paraphrasing now but the gist of it was how you never loved me, only in it for the sex

And I really dont get how you can say that and be proud of it

We both know you were in deeper than that

Nobody likes a secret and I was always yours

It's almost been a year and even so I still don't know what for"

I BETTER be over this in a year holy shit

[lolatalks1]

wed, dec 6 2023

this is my first real journal entry, and i dont think dear diary is fitting to start this. i mean its just tumblr. i started this little blog because i need somewhere to vent, and so here i am. that sounds like my pinned post but its whatever. im not sure why im typing like im talking to someone, so i think i should stop explaining myself.

ive heard its good to write out how you feel, so i think im going to do just that. (im explaining myself again)- today was at first a good day, i woke up relatively early and was able to get ready for school quicker than i do normally- which is a win in my book. i was able to lay in my bed- which i need to wash the sheets of. my dog keeps laying where i sleep, which flares up my bad acne. i cant blame him though, i practically leave my side of the bed in a perfect napping position for him. anyways- i was able to lay down and read a little of this cute story about a single mother and a man in the military being her neighbor! very cute, very cute. then my dad took me and derek around eight o' five, then we got to school, and it was super cold outside. having to stand and wait for the doors to open is not enjoyable- at least i had derek -my cousin- with me. recently ive been a little harsher with him, but i thinks its because ive been a bit on edge with everything as of late. i dont mean to ignore- i think i should start working on that. he already has a lot going on.

continuing, i went to class. first period was tame, i mean nothing too much happened. really essentially a free day. aryeana ? im not sure how to spell her name now that i realize it- but she was there talking with jacob about whatever. sometimes i feel a little outcasted when with them- but i guess thats because im not that much of a conversational person when i cant think of a topic that will be enjoyable for all of us. i mean, i like anime and overwatch- and some more things. all those things they either dont like or make fun of- so theres no middle ground for us to converse on. i mean, only thing i can talk about is boys with ary. but its more so talking about aryeana's endless snaps with multiple guys and shes boasting about it- as well as boasting about her not being able to talk to guys. she is really contradictory. i dont hate or get mad at her though, shes nice to me. and cate is there- she kinda helps me relax. shes just a very nice person and since ive known her for so long i dont feel like i have to be super fake with them.

i think- well i know- my day went downhill when my mom finally replied to my messages. i had texted her about going to cam's surprise birthday dinner on sunday night- and she said yes! but then i asked her about saturday, if i can go shopping with her. i needed to go to barnes and noble to get multiple books that several people wanted for christmas, and maybe the mall to get some other things like candles from bath and body works. but anyways- she then revealed shes not going to be here this saturday- more so this entire weekend.... fun.

i just dont understand how she can just go i mean- i know where shes going- hell the whole family does. its nothing new, but the fact its such a repetitive thing and she always did it around familial times (thanksgiving and now christmas). i really dont get, seriously. and ive come to learn that she goes to some town with a new guy each time. what happened to her being with ron? her last boyfriend- i knew of at least. my nana mentioned she didnt like him because how he treated my mom, so im guessing he was abusive or really shitty. i dont care, and i guess thats a bad thing. i see it as karma now. i use to feel bad, want to console her. but ive lost it. lost that empathy.

anyways, she just makes me so- angry. to the point i can't focus on happier aspects of things because shes simply just so intoxicating with her narcissistic behavior. shes so aware that what she does angers and breaks the family, but she cant find it in herself to realize that its bad. how? im not sure. she didnt have a horrible upbringing nor a traumatic event with my dad. so i cant find a genuine reason behind what she does. its whatever, i keep trying to myself i shouldnt care so much. but i cant help it. it affects my home life, makes me i guess more so depressed? i dont want to self diagnose though. but shes the reason behind my upset outlook for today. hell even started playing class of 2013 by mitski- the lyrics hitting a bit too close to home. so yeah. thats all for now i guess, im not sure how journalling works. i guess ill start learning.

[focusandrelaxforme]

Documenting My Subject's Hypno Slavery Journey (Part 4)

And so the training continues. A few notes before we get to the entry:

- A few of you have asked if I have a guide or something I'm using to train her. The answer is no. For the most part, I'm improvising. I do have a general idea of what I want to accomplish. Aside from the obedience/submission, she's expressed a desire to get healthier, so I've started her on an exercise regiment, carefully monitoring her so she doesn't overdo it.

- This entry includes a sexual encounter with her husband. Part of that encounter involves testing her ability to stay blank and mindless while carrying out orders. This also includes waking up with no memory or awareness of what happened. As such, I've had her write a small addendum about her reaction to reading about what she did with her husband but has no memory of.

- This training of her obedience when it comes to memory and awareness is a particular interest of mine, so will likely continue in various ways as we continue this.

- As always, your feedback and support are greatly appreciated.

Enough of me, here's the lady herself.

--------

Dear Diary.

Today was the first day since talking to Master that I have had to go to work. I woke up st 6:30 and instantly felt my pussy aching from emptiness. I reached over and grabbed my lush off my nightstand and slowly pressed the toy back into my needy, obedient pussy until I felt sufficiently full again for my Master. Ahh.. much better. Why does it feel so good to be full. I then had to get ready for my day and head to work. I spent most of my day forgetting that I had my lush inside me.. the only time I thought of it was when I had thoughts of my Master playing with me.

We didn't get to talk much today, but my Master is so thoughtful and checks in with me all day. I have never felt so cared for as a slave.

Then I came home for a bit and went to a therapy session. Isn't it crazy that I spend all day with a lush pressed in me, and no one knows.. How dirty. I love being able to be a good girl to everyone.. but so unbelievely dirty inside. Master is bringing it out so well. I am curious to see how it will feel when master finally tuens on the toy for me. Will I feel it?

Tonight after I worked out (with my lush still in!) and took my shower, Master was home and ready to play with me. We experiemented more with covert hypnosis. He is a big fan of it. Usually, it doesn't work on me. At least that I know of. Until tonight.. . When Master put me deep into a sleepy hypnosis where he convinced me to give my husband a blow job. I had full intentions of complaining if Master asked me.. because honestly, sometimes they are very unappealing with someone who isn't dominant to me.. I Long for a throat fucking from a rough Dom.. with a fist full of hair and lots of drool. So tonight I did that myself. I felt animalistic as I kneeled down in front of my husband. By this point Master had made me remove my lush and replace it with my large dildo. This has become a nightly tradition, it seems. Lord, please dont make me wear the dildo to work Master. It's hard to walk with it

Anyway.. i knelt before my husband and teased the end of his cock with my tongue.. and licked so gently.. then moved to his balls and did the same.

I have such an oral fixation.. i love anything in my mouth. I quickly became more agressive and pressed his cock into the back of my throat. My husband was taken aback amd made a few swears and remarks. Haha. He likes to do this thing where he avoids cumming. It makes me very angry. I am never able to get him to finish in my mouth.. mostly because he knows I have a fear of cum . The taste and stickiness.. bleh. But the thought of being covered in it for my Master is so appealing. I took my husbands cock over and over in my mouth..gagging and drooling all over it.. pretending my master was taking my mouth. Then he decided to pull my shirt up and fuck my boobs.. he didn’t ask permission for that.. hopefully it was ok. Sorry Master . Then i stuck out my tongue and begged for his cum. He came in a tissue for me..because he feels bad. . But I got so much pleasure from being so obedient and making my husband cum for my Master. Its so weird how much I enjoyed it.

When Master woke me.. i was unaware of anything that had happened. Just that I was a little tired. Then he used my magic words and convinced me to remove and lick my dildo and slide it back into my pussy. Mmm I loved licking it. I then was told to fuck myself until I came. I wasnt allowed to feel the build up. And once I came, I wasn't allowed to know how or why I came. I only knew that I had extreme pleasure. I was floating on a cloud, and then Master brought me here.

Idk if I like not being aware of my orgasm.. i love the build-up.. and i love feeling full and the dildo stretching me. But the thought of not knowing is so extremely hot and exciting. Ooof. As my husband would say. Youre such a slut and I love it.

Until next time,

The very slutty deeply hypnotized slave.

--------

Thoughts on my journal:

I can honestly say that I dont remember most of that journal entry. It feels like a hazy dream reading it. Did all of that actually happen? Was it just put into my head? I am too embarrassed to ask my husband about it. It was very hot to read my experiences.. it felt like someone else wrote it for me. Its such an odd feeling..

-kittysub

--------

[its-a-hil]

extremely long poem-like excerpt from my diary last may under the read more you should definitely just scroll past it

gonna go to bed now.

i read all of my diary entries from junior year

i am so fucking annoyed by past sahil like god she just… doesn't know so many things about herself i want to give her such a big hug fuck

also stuff with <friend name redacted> and <friend name redacted> and all of that and it's just … really melancholic

also also apparently google decided it's time to just reset all of my google accounts in firefox?????????? very confused ugh

i need to go to sleep

and i need to tell her everything not just bc it would directly improve present me's quality of life, but bc i i want her life to be better i want her to go on e so much earlier fuck please i want her to not be broken i want me to not be broken i want this all to work i want my heart to be functional i want someone to rest their head on my chest and vice versa i want to not have all of this fucking hair on my body i want to never have to worry about what time it is i want to be warm im so cold my head feels stuffy i need to sleep

i know it's never productive to imagine the effect of a single change on my life but but what if i knew what if i watched eva and someone told me shinji was trans codded (assuming i even kin her at all) what if bna was out by that time or if i had played bandori and saw so much of myself in aya and hina and maya or if i had watched monogatari or if i had considered the reasons why i kinned shouma or if or if or if please why does everything in the past always feel so inevitable or a product of chance it's always one of those two

the only reason i watched monogatari was bc of that egoist002 channel putting klk music and also having that katanagatari amv somewhere and even then it took nearly a year for me to start monogatari and another half year to understand that gender was a thing and another two fucking years to be honest with myself god im still so mad about when dad said that he was upset that i said i was in denial when i told him i didnt want hrt like what the fuck im fucking sorry that i, a fucking 19 year old, didnt know what the fuck i was doing with regards to a subject that never made a ton of sense to me maybe transitions like that have to happen slowly because i can't do things instantaneously everything i do is always studying and convincing it looks like the end product comes out instantly, but it doesnt it takes so long i have to workshop everything and the more scared i am the longer it takes i was so scared i am so scared no that's not right im not scared im scared of a lot of other things, but not this im scared of some reactions to it but not it itself how can i be scared how can i fucking be scared of feeling like a person with agency over my life you dont fucking understand dad you either dont know how it feels to coast and hide and conceal your tears from yourself or you just dont seem to process what that means for me i hate cars i hate destinations i want to walk slowly i want to take note of every bird, every flower i want to linger in quiet moments forever i dont want to materially affect the world im too selfish for that i want to stop, and have everything else pause around me i want to watch, and think, and imagine i want to write, and teach, and study i dont want to work i dont want to drive i dont want to make money or use money i dont want to have to interact with it at all in my life why cant i just be why cant i just breathe and drink and eat and run and climb and talk to the people i care about why does everything have to be about money why does anything have to be about money i hate it its all so wrong it ruins even things that i should care about and enjoy i like messing around in spreadsheets but contextualize that as a money spreadsheet and i  will have such a mental block against opening it

where am i i feel like ive lost an important thread right trans

i want bigger breasts i want brighter hair i want to pass barrring that, i want to be unapologetically visible i want kids to see me and think of me as a monster who they have to listen to bc im their teacher i want to tell them about me i want to tell everyone about everything and listen to their everythings too im sorry

why is that it okay i actually need to fall asleep now why am i listening to prince of doom again fuck okay gn i guess bleh

[doriandrifting]

So last night, me and my friends were having a byler debate. One is a melvin shipper, I am a byler shipper (obvi ig), and the other one WAS a byler shipper but as the events of last night unfolded, she has now declared she can see both sides and is more or less neutral (although she did still call Mike a fruit bowl) I also was able to get my melvin friend to see the side of "melvin is bad or trashy"

anyways- both my friend's main argument against byler is that they don't see how the writers of the show could work it in well by the end of the last season without it feeling rushed or forced and to make sense to the GA because-- most people dont look through hours of hints and proof.

basically how could the writers work byler into the plot with the alotted amount of time in order for it to feel r i g h t and make sense mainly to people who dont know as much about the little stuff as bylers do

Well I made a post about how I have a theory that the letter the ST writers posted that had all those blanks and they said was written on November 6th, 1983 and signed “Love_____” matches up with Mike writing a letter to Will. The letter starts by apologizing for not getting something done -> Mike wasn’t able to finish the Dnd campaign and it was Will who was stuck in limbo with the Demogorgon until they could finish the DnD game the next weekend. And Will told Mike the truth about his roll and seemed really upset about the 7. It makes sense that Mike would write an apology letter to Will. But he signed it “Love, Mike.” But he wouldn’t have even known how significant that phrase is to him in S1, which is why the Duffers make it so that he never gets to give Will the letter.

It is only after this season, where El emphasizes that he can’t write “Love, Mike” where Mike is aware what writing “Love, Mike” means. If Mike were to recover this letter—maybe like Nancy recovered her diary entries about not being that crazy about Steve in the Upside Down in S4–we would learn that alternatively Mike has always loved Will.

This takes away the feeling of it being rushed—it was inevitable, because it was already written the very first episode. That along with the Flickergate theory about Mike and Will causing the light to go off outside the garage in S1 by something they do in the Upside Down (stuck in November 6th 1983) would make their story have an inevitability. We all saw Mike in S1 notice that strange light go off after Will walked away. If they’re the ones who caused it, the audience will have to know that it was planned from the beginning. Now if I were to tell a person who hasn’t analyzed the show//understand the queer coding of Byler, they wouldn’t believe me right now, but if the Duffers bring it all back to that very first day, there’s no denying it once the general audience sees it.

agsjdjdkdjd this was so long—I wish you the best of luck in convincing your friends 😭

[kunikame]

rant & slight idolish7 spoilers warning !!!!!

i verbally cannot describe how much comfort i7 brings me, genuinely. no matter how many times i watch it i just dont get bored of it, instead i notice new details and see new meanings behind certain words, scenes and actions. i love the characters so much ... theyre just so ... so adorable and relatable, you cant avoid them growing on you. the songs too !!!! the songs and characters make me so so happy, i adore them !

sogo and his violent impulses 😭 its always the quiet and composed people i swear. him collapsing from stress is very relatable. i admire his reasoning for doing music, i wish i had the same resolve HAHAHA except i vant even bring myself to tinker with my piano anymore :,)

tamaki and his childishness. it might be annoying to some, and he is very hard to deal with for sogo, but i think its endearing. hes self aware about being a bit on the dumber side but still tries his best .. i just wanna give him a hug and headpats and i hope he and aya get to be together again soon :( let the siblings be happy fr ...

yamato and his sincere want for the others to be happy and successful. what started out as a revenge mission became genuine affection toward the other 6 and i think thats amazing. he just gradually took on the role of the older brother/tired dad without even realizing and now hes stuck with them doing his best to ensure their happiness because he genuinely loves them :(

nagi and his comedic relief and wise moments ! i think nagi is reduced to simply comedic relief by most as he is just a silly pretty boy 80% of the time but hes actually very smart and theres so much we still dont know about him !! i sure hope we get some insights to him soon. and haruki aswell !!! i need to know more abt their friendship and the songs and everything !!

iori and his cute traits. he may be the youngest but he acts like the most mature (after yamato and sogo ofc) and his sincere want to ensure the success of i7 is admirable if im being honest. i adore his less composed moments though! makes me realize even picture perfect people have their quirks :) i love his friendly banters with riku and how he likes cute things and stationary and how he takes care of riku and mitsuki and and i love iori a normal amount i promise

riku and his sincerity. whatever hes feeling, you can just tell. hes so easy to take care of and while he might be insecure, hes really what holds them all together. he just shines as their center and hes so precious and his energy just makes you all warm n fuzzy and his smile just radiates joy and . i wish i could keep him in my pockets and carry him around.

mitsuki and the way i relate to him. the insecurities and being swallowed by them, running away from my problems and being the 2nd choice or not even a choice at all, not feeling good enough and just being average at everything i do, always being outshined and everything. hes so effortlessly funny and precious and i love his energy and his pretty smile and the way hes just so .. sunshine. yknow? i kin him can you tell

i could talk about i7 for ages but this is tumblr and not a fic so nobody will read it anyway HAHAHA i feel like im writing a diary entry or something. i could go on and on about how happy this show makes me even if i cry because of those specific mezzo n mitsuki insecure arcs but im gonna keep it short for this post haha

sorry i nerded out on the tl! if you read this i hope i piqued your interest in i7 (if i didnt still thank you for reading!) and if you didnt i hopr you have a great day after scrolling /gen

maybe one day when someone asks me abt i7 irl ill go on a longer rant and my eyes will sparkle and ill wave my hands around animatedly while talking about the show but then ill realize im rambling and im probably annoying and theyre not really interested but theyll be looking at me and asking me why i stopped talking except that wont happen bc fics arent real and i genuinely am annoying to most people HAHAHAHA !!!!!!!!!!

[fumikomiyasaki]

Dear Diary

For our ships as many as you wanna write ❤

Dear Diary

Today was my first gig as Emerald, not ad Echo... I was quite nervous given I didn't know if others would just accept my new and own Style but... Tarak stopping by and giving me some assurance did help out... as well as the boxing session after to calm my nerves... I am glad he is there for me... he is quite a sweetheart and I even would feel that without my career he wouldn't even abandon me.... I... don't know how I can ever thank him. But I can try at least. At least the gig went well and I can be a bit more calm about this.

Diary entry 762

Usually I would only rely on myself but... working together with Lucas I feel like... someone understands my mindset. I am impressed by what he can pick up on and help me improve... I don't trust many with this... I think compared to my progress reports today I felt like giving praise to someone who does work hard for my Sake... at least I think so... I can't express my feelings right.

God damnit... I hate sometimes how much power this Man has over me... its like he always leads me to do more of the things he likes... I hate and love him and its just conflicting... it pisses me off inside... sometimes I just wanna throw a chair at him and other times I just want to kiss him... Urgh... why do I always fall for the worst of the worst... I do hope... eventually I am more determined about what to do. I hope Bethany never finds out about this... that is why I hide this diary very well... cause if this ever goes out I can't keep up my reputation

...

Dear Diary,

My heart is in unrest currently.... since all those flirts Damián left at me my head is spiralling and he doesn't want to go out... its been that bad that often dream of him... and those dreams are... wild let's say it. It makes me barely even able to look at him cause I feel ashamed of being weird to him... but seeing him smile so happily... how endearing he plays with those cats... how he often teases me... my heart can't calm down.

Maybe eventually I will figure out what to do. Till then I will just stay as usual... be kind and try to stay focused...

There was this one book Sable recommended to me that was pretty sweet but... it got me thinking a little... he is often I the monster and human fall in love but... he doesn't have to see himself as one... I often noticed him bringing it up but... to me he is far from it... to me... He is someone fun to spend time with... someone I grew fond off... and I never felt fear once... I wanted to gather my thoughts.... maybe I feel just worried about him...

I hardly got any sleep after what happened... she came out again and if Sin didn't snap me out of it I.... would have hurt him... I know he says it's fine... but seeing his face in worry... I feel horrible... why sister... why must you still be in my mind after all those years... I wish I could have saved you... I wish you were still alive but... you don't have to torture me like this... I... just dont know what to do anymore

....

[kuramapijama]

A look into an entry from Mikki's diary. Something she wrote once sometime during the adventure in Egypt. She's a dumb teen gal at this time, dont mind her.

(And don't mind me; I'm bad at writing/expressising my thoughts and stuff but I'm trying. Lol.)

-----------

Honestly I hate to admit how much love I have. For anything, anyone. Myself especially. Does it bother me? Yeah yeah it does... but when I get thinking like that, I just say fuck it and forget it. Why the hell should I add any more energy into that? Its negative and distracting.

I'll keep this as secret, just once.

I'm, I, I like spending time with Jotaro. Ah man... I don't really know what it is about that bastard, he's just fun to be around. He's not like the other stupid guys in the dojo or school. Sure, he can act like a thug sometimes as they do, thinking he's so cool. But here's the thing, Jojo actually is kinda cool. I admire the fact that he can fight, well of course not as skilled as me. But I have a challenge for once.. he's got a strong spirit. Literally. Star Platinum. Careless Whisper tells it better than me, she loves that stand. She can't even speak! And she says more than I ever could. Damn.

Well, I love how cool he can be. Nothing seems to faze him, like at all. It kinda creeps me out how good he is at doing that. Sometimes I wanna slap his face just to see his reaction haha.

His smile is , it makes me smile. Jojo has such a rough look to him, you'd never see him smile or laugh but I feel the luckiest to be able to see him like that. When he's like that, I wanna be with him. Just... forever. I cant look away, it makes my mind crazy. I get those butterflies or whatever. And he's actually a soft guy. Like he doesn't have rough skin, he's soft and warm... I held him a few times. His touch just invites me in, without any words.

It's better that way. If I never have to say these things, never speak. It's so much easier. Words ruin everything, I'm so bad at it... But I cant stay holding his hand forever, he'd question it..

I really wanna stay beside him. I just want to protect him, he needs it for a change. But I cant tell him that, not ever. I fear he wont accept me. Yeah he can be a jerk sometimes, but I feel like I'm even more of a jerk. At least he can be true to himself, at least he can stay defending everyone. But not me, I'm weak.. he wouldn't want a girl like me... Damn I hate talking about this. Well that's as much as I'll write. Screw this.

[thetaylorfiles]

To your anon asking about TTB promises. She promised no second wedding, no male pronouns or male love interests on Lover, a coming out, Karlie leaving in August, no Josh at holidays, no way they go to awards, absolutely would she not include him in her documentary because it woul be about coming out. The list is rather long. The truth is people left over stopped calling her out on always being wrong. And every month for the last 2 years dont worry, its almost over the girls are fine.

Wow. Great memory.

Let’s list all of TTBs lies, promises and predictions that never came true. For posterity.

TTB promised there would be:

[[MORE]]

1. No Joshlie wedding. At all. And no second Joshlie wedding. (Both happened!)

- in fact the plan, according to TTB was: to gently introduce Kaylor to the public.

- announce engagement > call off engagement > have Taylor be seen providing emotional support to a heartbroken Karlie > after a while, explain that spending time together amid this upset made them realize they were more than just friends!

Oops. Never happened.

2. No male pronouns on Lover (several songs with male pronouns!)

3. No male love interests on Lover (clearly a male interest in Lover. And no, London Boy isn’t satire. It’s tongue in cheek)

4. Karlie being “free” in August each and every year. (and many, many more times)

5. No Josh at holidays.

(Yet somehow they seem to be together for thanksgiving and NYE and several Jewish holidays every single year.)

6. Joe and Taylor not attending awards shows together (so far they’ve attended: Golden Globes, Cats premiere, and NME awards)

7. Joe not being included in the documentary (Taylor literally runs into his arms backstage)

8. The documentary would be about Taylor coming out

I remember (and edited to add other peoples recollections)

9. Taylor was supposed to come out after Rep tour was over.

10. Taylor was supposed to come out the day she announced her new single “ME!” In fact, the announcement was meant to be her coming out, but instead was her new single.

11. Joe would be gone before Rep Tour

12. Joe would be gone after Rep Tour.

13. Joe would be gone before Lover Promo

14. Joe would be gone after Lover release.

15. Karlie would be free from Josh literally too many times to count. She always says that the contract is up in August. Then she says Karlie re-ups.

16. Taylor was going to come out on the last day of Pride month but scrapped those plans and instead released her statement about Scooter and Scott. That the masters changed everything so she couldn’t come out.

Now, had she intended to come out, and changed her mind that very last day upon learning of the master sales, she would’ve had to:

- add 4 new songs about a male

- chang all pronouns on lover from “her” to “him”

- remanufacturing every copy (how many DNAs did that need)

- create and chang diary entries

- all this would’ve had to be done whiles Taylor spent the first week of July with her friends on vacation. And while Karlie was on a yacht with Scooter, posting several instagrams documenting it.

- Then she went straight into filming ‘Lover’ video with a man. All this in a matter of a week or two, while on vacation, right before Lover came out. (Thanks to the anon for help!)

17. She claimed Karlie never followed Joe, when in fact, she did after K’s Rep concert. A week later, she unfollowed him. Also her sisters and Josh unfollowed Taylor in that same time frame.

18. She claims that when a beard wears blue, a breakup will occur and Taylor will be free of her contract. That Taylor plans it this way. TTB has said the inevitable breakup is going to happen when Joe wears blue numerous times yet this has never come to fruition.

19. Any time there is an article about Joshlie or Joe and Taylor, ttb claims its ALWAYS “seeding” a breakup. Yet, the breakup never, ever comes. (And no one in entertainment uses the phrase “seeding”. That’s a pure conspiracy theorist term. Like “crisis actor”).

20. She once promised a nervous anon that Josh and Karlie would never actually marry. They’d only be faux engaged to make it all seem real.

21. Claimed that Karlie and Josh didn’t go to New Zealand together over the New Year. Said Josh went alone and Karlie only flew in one day to take all the pics with him- in multiple clothing changes- to get all the pics necessary for the “stunt”. Even though everyone outside of Kaylorland already believes they’re a married couple and the “stunt” got zero publicity.

22. TTB claimed many times no beard would ever attend an important event or red carpet with Taylor. Then Joe went to the Golden Globes with her, then the Cats premiere, and then the NME awards. Oops! Wrong each and every time.

23. When Joe and Taylor vacationed in the Turks and Caicos TTB claimed Joe was flown in for a quick photoshoot and flown right back out. Except the next day, he was still there and there were new pictures.

24. Claimed for MONTHS after the Joshlie wedding that it was a “photoshoot”, not a wedding. That it would soon show up in Vogue. Then it was Vogue Brazil. (The wedding was never in a magazine)

25. She also claimed it was all a giant ad for Dior. The photoshoot would be one big advertisement for Dior. (The wedding was never an ad anywhere for Dior)

26. After several Vogue magazines came and went after, TTB claimed that Josh was having the article and photoshoot put on hold so that they could release it at a time that Trump made a big gaffe and Josh would need good press. The idea being that if Trump messes up, this somehow reflects badly on Josh, though it never has.

27. TTB and Kaylors claim that the reason why Karlie and Taylor stopped hanging out in public was so as not to tarnish Taylor’s reputation by being associated with Trump. Yet, Kelle went backstage at Rep after Trump was elected.

Anyone who knows about magazines or has seen the documentary The September Issue knows that the magazine layout is planned months in advance and articles and photo shoots are put in in a timely manner. Someone like Josh would have no bearing on getting to hold it back. (The wedding never showed up in any magazine and Trump made gaffes constantly).

28. TTB also claimed that they were no longer being seen in public anymore so that the public would start to ask and wonder why they weren’t “friends” anymore. Which would “seed” a coming out story.

29. Ttb claims she’ll have definitive proof this Monday, 9/7/20/, in the form of “tea” she’s been dangling in front of her followers for months now, that will prove the existence of Kaylor.

And she posted a submission that proved absolutely nothing! Just a screenshot of Karlies insta story from May that shows the reflection of one open white umbrella and one closed white umbrella. Apparently Taylor has two white umbrella near her pool in Beverly Hills. Ttb believes this is definitive proof that Karlie and Taykor have been together in LA for months.

This was wholly underwhelming and easily disputable. Taylor’s jet has been in Utah, with Joe posting a few pics of him hiking there. Her jet has also been in RI. Then the jet went to England. While the jet doesn’t prove Taylor wasn’t in BH the whole time, it sure does make it much more likely than a reflection in glass of an umbrella.

30 TTB claims that josh posted an Instagram on 9/3 of a sunset to indicate the sun setting on his relationship with Karlie. A message sent to Kaylors. No divorce as of yet!

31. Going along with the above, TTB also claimed that she expects Joshlie to announce their divorce on 9/4/20 because it’s the slowest in the news cycle. A Friday afternoon before a holiday weekend. Yet, no divorce news and Trump calling fallen soldiers “lovers and suckers” is dominating the headlines.

32. Prior to the Kushner biography being released TTB predicted/promised that it would mention Josh’s homosexual proclivities in some way: the bearding or Mikey. And at the very least, it would paint him to be the giant criminal that she claims he is.

Instead it did nothing of the sort. It only talked about how strong his love for Karlie was. That despite his parents being unkind and unaccepting to her for several years, he stuck it out with her. It also addressed her conversion to Judaism.

33. Ttb likes to claim that Karlie never converted to Judaism. She says that because Karlie has never spoken the exact words “I converted” that it means she hasn’t. Despite the fact that many Jewish people have told her that when Karlie told Andy Cohen that she “joined the tribe” that, was, in fact, how Jewish people say they converted.

Karlie has also spoken at length in interviews and her own musings about her conversion. Ttb still refutes this and sometimes will post anons who write in questionable and anti Semitic references.

34. There was a period of time where TTB claimed that Josh needed Karlie as a beard in order to get an inheritance from an old aunt of his. This aunt stipulated in their will that he MUST be married to a woman in order to collect the money. Shockingly (to no one) TTB started claiming this right after josh and Karlie got married.

A few months later, the aunt and the inheritance disappeared never to be spoken of again. Which was absurd to begin with considering Josh is reportedly worth $800 million. Which could be off considerably, but even if it is? Even if he’s only worth $100 million? Yeah, he’s good. He doesn’t need an aunts inheritance.

35. These days (September of 2020) TTB is claiming that Karlie is staying with Josh in the contact for bearding willingly. This is a drastic change of narrative from years past when she claimed he was essentially blackmailing her to stay. For the Aunt inheritance, for not telling the world her and Taylor’s secrets, etc.

**** this hasn’t been updated in a few months. It’s now Dec. 1st. I’ll do my best to fill in a couple more below soon. There’s been a handful or two of lies that need to be recorded.****

36. People Mag announces that sources close to Karlie say she’s pregnant with Josh’s kid. Ttb refuses to believe it until Karlie herself confirms it, though in the past she has specifically stated that People is the one mag you can trust as publicists use it as a vehicle to get the truth out about their client.

36. Ttb stated emphatically and multiple times that IF Karlie is pregnant it CANNOT be a Kaylor baby because it would not tarnished by having a Kushner last name and being tied to that “organized crime” family. Nope. Taylor is in no way involved.

And now that Karlie has confirmed the pregnancy, what do uou know? Ttb conveniently changes her time, forgets all she’s said in the past and seems to be firmly on the “oh, it’s totally a Karlie/Tayklor baby. I thought so all along”.

Now, Karlie is there willingly. And when an anon asked whyC her answer was “it’s all part of the narrative.” As if that’s a sufficient answer.

37. TTB said Joe and Taylor’s career paths would never intertwine.

And now they’ve written 5 songs together. One on which he played the piano too.

There’s a lot more especially about Karlies pregnancy but I don’t have the time or energy to fill it in right now. Back soon to do it.

Anyone else remember anything specific? Let’s come up with a comprehensive list.

[shyrose57]

Part 2 with da angst

2: Young Ranbob did not understand at all what was going on, infact he refused to believe he ever had anything to do with the sabotages, it was only when Dream took over completely and gave Ranbob enough of his mind to know what he was doing, did he finally accept it. He tried and tried to break Dreams control and get control of his body back, but nothing he did ever really worked, and the more he tried Dream eventually began to punish him, forcing him to stop. He felt aboustely awful, like a failure, a murder, and just a shitty person during all of this. His journal shows basically all of his mental decline, it went from normal, him recording special things during the day, to semi-normal, him expression concern and fear over the sabotages and killings (with some out of place words or sentences here and there appearing half way through, showing Dreams presence), to recordings from someone with obvious mental distress (misspelled words, extreme fear, showing fear of himself, hasty writings and drawings, very obviously out of place sentences (their neater than the rest and written differently, written by Dream), and meaningless words and sentences, obviously trying to say something but not knowing how too), all they way to flipping entries of when Ranbob is in control (sadness, despair, hasitly done, regret, and just heavy sentences) to when Dream is in control (Neat writing, stating "facts", showing a level of glee). Ranbob does still have it, he actually still uses it to record what happens in the groups and how far he's come. To the Gladiators its more of a "Hey I found this thing, lets read this thing." "No let's not read the thing." "Im going to ignore you and read it anyway.". The pictures are from the current ruined state of the City of Mizu, and pictures showing Ranbob at the fishermens house, struggling to walk and even eat on his own, though a few are from before Dream ever got a hold of Ranbob. 

3: The way you just said "Causally drops some trauma on them, huh?" And "Traumatized gremlins" made me laugh so much. Its so accurate and made me just think of the brothers vibing toghere before I just pop in and drop tons of trauma on them before dipping. "Ah, damn, the opponent stared me in my chest." "WHY ARE YOU SO CALM ABOUT THIS!? YOUR BLEEDING OUT!" "Oh im used to this. Trust me I'll survive...probably." "RAN I SWEAR!". And "Ranbob when did you last eat?" "Uhhh, 2 days ago I think." "..." "D-did I eat too soon? I dont have to eat for another day or two max-" "Ranbob shut up and eat." "B-but-" "If you dont eat I'll tell Benjamin." "OK ok I'll eat."  Ran thinks its normal to get stabbed often, while Ranbob thinks its normal to only eat every 2 or 3 days, and to not sleep for a long time. There is one particular hunter that's been hunting him the longest, they go by Raq and are the most determined to get Ran, though they don't plan on killing him, but rather kidnapping him and exploting him for pearls. It was a bit hard at first, Ran kept having to leave to wander around the City for a bit, though he eventually successfully got accustomed to staying in one place, though he does sometimes wish he could travel again. 

4: A bit of everything, him getting violent and trying to run at first. But after that it fades more into what resembles a depressive state, with him refusing to move and crying while being lost in his head. He requires space to move around but be monitored in the first state, while for the second he needs constant comfort and physical contact. The aftermath was the fishermen and Jackie staying close to Ranbob for the next 2 days, while Grievous and Watson try to find Ran after he stormed off in anger and disbelief. Ran does know what a relapse means, but during the time he believes Ranbobs relapse might be something else (like his facade faulting maybe).

5: Not long at all, while Ran is carrying Jackie and Cletus makes fun of them as Ranbob is following him, Jackie quickly points out how Ranbob is like a lost puppy, and the same thing is basically happening to the two of them, but showed different ways. (The brothers making sure their family is safe by sticking close to them).

6: By the time they travel to Subbin, Ranbob has gained like 80 pounds and is a way more healthy weight and looks much more healthier than when the fishermen first found him. 

7: Their usually either getting materials, looking around the area/exploring, being taught things by someone, or sleeping. Charles was the one who revived the nickname! He called him that when trying different tactics to calm him down from a nightmare, Ranbob immediately froze and after a while started to cry, Charles panicked but Ranbob quickly comforted him, saying he just hasn't heard Bobby used in such a long time and brings back both incredibly happy and incredibly sad memories. And with permission, Charles starts using it more. Ran also freezes when hearing it, immediately going ridged and almost ripping a map he has in his hands, when asked by Grievous what was wrong, he just growled out nothing and moved on. Though he does mull over it later, conflicting emotions running all over him. 

8: Helping separate Ran and Ranbob was already big for the gladiators. As most people would just watch with glee. Then when they get time to talk and make the connection between Ran and Ranbob, they decide to make a exception and willingly put in effort to bond with the other group. Also them just naturally connecting made the bonding and trust easy between the groups. 

9: They do both! They keep some books, pictures, and other stuff, but sell others as relics. Ranbob mostly disapproves of them selling the items, but also knows it'll probably be best to sell them, and have them either spread the story of Mizu as a warning, or have the story of Mizu destroyed by assumptions and twisting of the story. 

10: I'm thinking maybe a Wilbur decendent is inhabiting a certain town, and when the groups stop in for a break, Wilbur decendant  houses them and listens to their story, and tries to help?

11: They mostly just find them, they either find them in book stores or ruined towns and cities (maybe I can put The Masquerade tale in here somewhere), a wide range of people, from scholars to plain history nerds, to books from during the time of the SMP itself to books written by seemingly no one. Ranbob finds some himself, mostly when exploring with the group. I think I misworded this! Dream is the one who compared Ranbobs journal to Ranboos memory book! Ranbob knows of Ranboos memory book but he himself doesn't see the connection. Ran feels all of the above. He is extremely ashamed and disappointed in himself for hurting his brother, he hugs him tightly and apologizes non-stop, promising to make it all up to him, and while he asks for forgiveness he also says he doesnt expect for his brother to forgive him. Once he finally sees Dream for real though he's the first one to blindly attack and try to kill em. Though he doesnt succeed. 

12: No one expect the brothers where outside in the rain when they fought. So no one knew of what was happening. Its only when Ran finally joined them, but alone, did they get scared and alarmed. And when Ran admits they got into a fight and Ranbob ran off, the fishermen immediately start yelling at Ran and run off to find Ranbob, screaming his name into the deafening thunder. Grievous follows them but Watson and Jackie hang back a bit, Jackie just looks at Ran with a heartbroken expression, tears in his eyes, and asks, with his voice shaking and laced with sadness, "Why can't you at least try to accept him, you dont have to like or forgive him, but why can't you just let him heal?" "Jackie..you dont know what's he done-" "I do know! And I'm willing to help him change and recover! You can't and your his brother! What kind of family member are you?" Ran tries to respond but Jackie just chokes and shakes his head at him, running off to follow the others. Watson then speaks up, simply saying "Mate, your doing more than hurting Ranbob at this point." Before running off to follow and join the others. Ran feels horrible, even before being confronted he so badly wanted to chase after Ranbob, but was to scared too and he constantly was trying to reassure himself that he did the right thing, but no matter what, he couldn't convince himself that was the truth. And after the confrontation, Ran is taking what was said to heart and also considering running away, leaving the group behind and sparing them of all the pain he believes he causes, believing that he's just as bad a family member as Ranbob was. But he doesnt, because he feels like he absolutely needs to talk to his brother and everyone else. 

2: Oh god. Poor Ranbob. He really went through it. It does make me wonder, did anyone notice something was up? His mentor? Parents? Friends? Speaking off, what was his relationship with them all? From what I know, he seemed to be under a lot of pressure, so how did that effect things, and how did Dream’s presence change that? And uh, gladiators reactions to reading the diary? Also, did they get caught reading it, or? And how did everyone in general react to the pictures? The fishermen may have taken the latter, but how did they feel about seeing Ranbob before Dream came into the picture?

3: I tell it like it is, glad to hear it’s made you laugh though. And uh, oh boy. On one hand, I definitely shouldn’t laugh at stabbing and possible starvation. One the other. Ran’s reaction. Ranbob being threatened with Benjamin. Is he often threatened with Benjamin? What exactly happens if Benjamin is told? Will Raq be causing future problems? Is Ran happy to be on the road again?

4: That sucks. Did the gladiators witness it first hand, or did the fishermen kind of realize what was happening and split off for a bit? Reactions to either seeing or hearing this happen?

5: Ranbob’s reaction to this? Heck, all of the fishermen’s reactions?

6: As he should. If he ever starts looking even slightly thin again, Benjamin needs to jump into immediate action! Also, give him a blanket and warm drink, please? Please, he needs it, they all do. 

7: So not too bad, that’s good. Charles was the one, huh? Interesting. Does Ranbob like having it back? And conflicting emotions, hmm? What would those emotions be? Does anyone ever notice the nickname makes him mad? 

8: So the gladiators consider that their big approval? Why’s that? Like obviously, they helped break it up, but was it something particular? Did they get between the two? Jump into the arena? What?

9: A warning of Mizu...there’s something awfully tragic about that. 

10: Sounds interesting! In what way would they be able to help? 

11: Scattered about, hm? So Ranbob knows about Ranboo’s memory book? Did Dream tell him, or did Mizu have a copy, or? And yay, Ranbob finally gets a hug! Most wonderful! Sad Ran doesn’t succeed in murder, but meh. Always next time, I suppose.

12: You...you were really going for my heart when you wrote this, weren’t you? Um, first of all, ouch. Second of all, also ouch. That’s all I’ve got for you right now. Just, ouch, Anon. Ouch.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Hi sweety❤️ Can I have a fic where Arthur helps x reader who's having a panick attack? him calming her down, cuddling her... thank you so much 😘

My dear friend. Thank you sooooo much for your request. I really really hope you like the result.

Summary: You`re greateful for how far you and Arthur had come in your relationship, how much progress he made to experience true happiness. But then you discover one of his journal entries. Is he still in the same dark place he was before? Just the thought of him suffering is giving you a panic attack. But Arthur is right there with you...

The dim light from the tv screen was the only light that filled the living room. Murray Franklin was talking to a well known comedian. You watched Arthur resting on the couch. He was falling asleep during the live show, even though he was looking forward to this episode all day, he was so tired, his eyes got heavy when Ellis Draine and his Jazz Orchestra started playing already.

"One day" you thought watching him breathe in and out like it was the easierest thing to do when you suffered from waht he had been through. One day he will be sitting on Murrays couch and telling his own jokes. And his idol will be proud of him like a father. Because he deserved it. He deserved the world.

Arthur seemed at peace with himself sleeping. That was new. Which made you proud of how far you two have come in your relationship. He was getting better.You felt it every morning waking up, receiving your good morning kiss from his coffee stained lips and cigarette tasting breath. He was making baby steps but looking at it now, over a year later it was a total different world he was living in. The one you created together. Ever since you met him you wanted to cure him. To support and comfort him through everyday life. To help him out of his mindset which was all that he had known since he was little.

People kept telling you that it was impossible to heal wounds like his. To heal someone that experienced his kind of trauma. That all he needed was proffessional help. But you knew that they missed out at something. Just because he needed his meds didnt mean that love wasnt the key for his cure.  You knew that there were some scars hidden inside of him, buried so deep that it would take years to get through and be able to work on that. But you also knew that being  loved was the only thing in this world that could ease Arthurs pain and make him the man he always wanted to be. He was destined to be.

And every single day  spent together was proof that he was making progress. His smile became more and more genuine. His laughing fits didnt happen as often anymore and if so they wouldnt last that long because you would hold him and help him breathe until it was over. He also told you about his journal entries and how they changed. His therapist was also seeing the changes. He was talking about how much more poetry and beautiful thoughts filled the pages.

You gently stroke his hair. Watching him sleep always felt pretty intimate to you. He was so vulnerable and unaware of his beauty. But you knew that even in his sleep he was aware of another thing- your love. Thats why he was even able to get some sleep.

You took another close look at his face. You could never get enough of him. It was risky to give him a kiss on his closed eyelids. Arthur had a very light sleep and could wake up any second but there was no way to fight the urge to do so. His eyelid fluttered under the soft touch of your bottom lip, but he didnt wake. You let your index finger travel over his dark eyebrows. They were shaped so perfectly, matching his piercing eyes and the slight circles underneath them. His body was still stressed out from work. His fragile body which was trying so hard not to break down while starving.

His stomach problems caused by his meds was another thing you had to work through. You looked at the bowl on the table. he almost finished his soup today, which was a good sign. You smiled, got up from your knees and walked to his desk to get the empty cups of coffee from the morning. It was time to make the dishes.

But the moment you grabbed the cups his journal distracted you. It was opened. You wondered about his last entries, the ones he wanted to show you because he wrote some new poems lately.

It took you a moment to think about if it was even okay to have a look at the opened page but it was already too late. One sententence was marked, the letters thicker than the rest of the written words. It caught your eye without a warning. And when you read it, your heart stopped for a second.

"I just hope my death makes more cents than my life"

Why?

Why the hell would he write something cruel like that?

The letters started to blurr through your tears. One tear was falling upon the page. Right on the word HOPE.

Shit. Now he would notice that you came near this page. You nerveausly grabbed a handkerchief and pressed it on the spot where the tear was soaking through the page. It was too late, making it look even worse.

You started to cry , throwing the handkerchief on the floor.

Why?

Yo thought he was getting better. There was so much proof.

Did he felt like his life was worthless?

Didnt make any sense?

Was he feeling like all of this wasnt making sense?

You thought you helped him.

Was it al in your mind? His proress? Him becoming a happier version of himself? Was it all a lie you told yourself?

The possibility of Arthurstill being the same tortured soul as when you met him simply broke your heart.

Why was a beautiful and gentle soul like him suffering so much? How cruel can the world be to him?

Was he still wishing he was dead? Was he still lying in bed at night, fantasizing about ending his own life?  Would he ever hurt himself again? Risking to being locked up at Arkham, so there was no chance to share a bed together? Just visits with him being handcuffed on the other side of the table? Was there still a chance he was that unhappy inside?

Tears fell like rain.

The pain inside your heart grew with every thought that crossed your mind. If life was still torture to him, why wouldnt he talk about this to you? Didnt he trusted you enough? Was he embarrassed about how he felt? Or was it simply because he didnt wanted you to get worried about his condition?

It was all too much.

You started to feel like your throath was getting tighter. Like the walls were closing in. Everything inside of you screamed. There was this nameless fear inside of your guts. Possesing you, hurting you. It was getting harder and harder to breathe.

Dizzyness overcame you with all its power. Cold sweat. All of the sudden the happiness you felt while watching him sleep was being sucked out of your body. And now all you knew was fear.  Liek it was the only emotion left in the world. Pure, naked fear in its rawest form.

A panic attack.

You had experienced this before but never this intense.

You sat down on the chair, trying not to look at the opened journal again.  It hurt so much. All of it did. Your body. Your heart. Mostly your heart. And your head. Both heavy from tears and the thought of Arthur being suicidal.

Your breathing got heavier as you started to sobb.

And then you heard Arthurs footsteps. His naked feet on the floor. You woke him up. He was finally resting and you woke him. This made you feel even worse.

"Oh my god Y/N, darling. What happened?" He noticed your tears and heavy breathing.

"Dont worry....Arhur....please....just go back to sleep okay? You need your sleep.  You`ve been working hard today...."

Arthur checked your pulse "Oh shit, your heart is racing. Did you took any medication? "

"No..."

"Did something else happen?" He checked your forehead, noticed your shaking hands. "Looks like you`re having a panic attack. I know the symptoms very well. I had so many in the past when I woke up from nightmares."

You nodded. Still sobbing like a baby. Arthur gave you one of his handkerchiefes and started to stroke your hair "Oh darling, I kow this feels terrible. But it will pass. Just try to breathe. Breathe with me okay. Remember when you helped me breathe during my laughing fits? I will do the same with you now okay?"

"Okay"

Arthur lifted you up and carried you to the couch.

"Is that okay? Is it comfortable?" you nodded. He was so caring it broke your heart. He cared so much about you, while inside he was suffering from so much pain.

He positioned himself behind you, resting both of his hands on your tummy and told you to breathe in and out like he did. Until you felt your breath becoming one with his. Just as calm and deep.

"Good" he whispered, his gentle fingers under your shirt. He knew that skin on skin contact helped calming you down.

"You`re doing great" his voice was everything you needed to hear.

"Oh Arthur....I feel like I cant breathe...."

"Shhhhhhtt.....baby I know. I know how it feels. Your body is telling you lies. You can breathe. Just do it with me."

"You felt Arthurs chest lifting up and down, his warm breath in your neck. He was everything to you. You needed him to be happy.

Arthur placed thoughtful kisses all over your neck. As soft as a butterflies wings. You tried to concentrate on the details. His long , dark eyelashes crossing the spot behind your ears. The tip of his nose tickeling you. His muffled "I love you`s".

"I`m sorry I woke you up"

"Dont be!"

"There was this sudden fear coming over me. It was like....I thought I was dying."

"I´m right here with you Y/N. Nothing bad is going to happen to you, I promise!"

You nodded. Knowing he was right. Nothing could harm you with Arthurs arms around you. You just wished it was the same the other way around. Wasnt it the same?

His journal said it wasnt.  His written words hitting you like a knife.

"Do you know what triggered this?" He asked you, while his hand was caressing your chest.

Should you tell him? He would notice the wet spot on his journal page anyway.

"Arthur I am so scared to tell you this but...I was ...oh god....I was looking at your opened diary  page. It was lying on teh table when I was getting the coffee cups and there was this sentence that caught my eyes......" you started to sobb uncontrolable.

"What page?" he asked "Please dont cry. Ohhhhhh please ...." he pulled you closer to his chest so his heartbeat was pressed against you.

"You wrote....."I just hope my death makes more cents than my life...." Arthur. This hit me so hard. I didnt knew you still felt like this. I dont know.....what to say....I`m just.......oh Arthur....." you pressed yourself against him as if your life depended on it. Arthurs white shirt was now soaked with tears.

"Ohhh nooo darling. That was my old journal. My therapist wanted to bring it back to her to proof how much progress I made since I met you!"

You loosened your embrace to look him in the eyes "W-What?"

"Yeah" he shrugged "I just marked the darkest pages to see how far we have come and stopped at this one before going to sleep."

The weight of the world was falling off your shoulders "Really?"

"Yes.....oh  Y/N I am so sorry you had to go through these emotions just because I was so stupid to leave my old journal lying on the table. "

"You are not stupid Arthur!"

"Well this time I was"

"It was my fault....I shouldnt have looked at the page in the first place".

The air was finally coming back. Your body was starting to relax again.

Arthur held you close in his arms "That was the old me. And yes sometimes I´m still having dark thoughts but its just.....echoes from the past. Its not part of our reality anymore. Its just ghosts. They`re not real. Just trying to tell me lies. So I am not listening to them . I´m listening to you. To your words of love and comfort. I`m save with you. And you are save with me. Remember?"

"I remember Arthur. I love you so much!"

"I love you more"

"Thats impossible" you smiled, kissing his upper lip.

Arthur rested his head in the crook of your neck whispering "If I`ve learned one thing from being loved, its this: Nothing`s impossible - with you in my arms".

@impulsiveclown @will-you-be-there @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @gwynplaine89 @ajokeformur-ray@damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss  @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes  @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie  @check-out-this-joker @darknessisafriend  @arthurhappyclown    @neon-umbrella-for-stella    @call-me-harley-quinn  @arthurjokersgirl

@aarthurfleckk @mylovelycrazyworld @clownalog @ajokerfangirl  @the-one-who-is-chaos @sabrinaeileensnape @raven-romanoff

[lunzbaku]

“We can make it come true if you really want...”

Headcannons

Summary: Some U.A. boys go snooping around your diary and read the fantasies you wrote about them. They respond with “we can make it come true if you want.” and you can find out what happens after... ;)

Warnings: third year of A.U. so the boys are aged up and 18, includes smut.

Pairings: Bakugou x Female Reader, Todoroki x Female Reader.

Shoto Todoroki

Why was he snooping thru ur things in the first place?

Too be honest he didnt know at first it belonged to you.

You dropped your diary in the common place...

nice going. btw

Todo saw the journal near the edge of the couch and he opened it to see who it belonged to.

First page he read “If lost please return to Y/N L/N. DO NOT READ.”

Todoroki then shut the journal and headed up to your dorm room.

As simple as that. Just kidding.

He flipped through the pages until he saw a folded edge.

On the bookmarked page he saw his name as the title.

He thought this mightve been a journal like Midoriya had and you just wrote things about his quirk.

He soon found out it was not a quirk journal.

He was pulled innnnn. He read everyy inch of those pages. The things you wanted to say and do to him, more specifically the things you wanted him to do to you

I mean come on. His crush returning the same thoughts (maybe even more thoughts) as him. He was very much turned on.

“Oh! Todo! There you are I was wondering if you saw my note-“

*Todoroki vigourlsy slaps the notebooks shut*

“-book. Oh.”

You snatch that book out his hands and put it close to your chest

“We can make it come true, if you really wanted to.”

Eyes widening, you couldnt believe what you were hearing. The Shouto Todoroki wants to get with you.

You felt the tips of your ear heat up as you awkwardly look down at your shoes. Of course you werent going to let this opportunity pass up, but again your crush just read the most dirtiest thoughts you had about him. You cant help but feel embarssed and vulnerable.

“You meant it all right?” Todoroki says putting his hand on your chin, lifting your head up so you were staring at him. Cheeks immediately heat up.

“O-Of course.” You reluctantly whisper back.

“Then you’ll let me kiss you, right?” Todoroki says, staring right into what it seems like, your soul. “Right here, right now.”

He leans in closer and closer. His soft lips finally connect with yours. You melt right into his arms as he puts them on your waist. He sits down on the couch, still lips connected and you sit on top of him. He moves one of his hand onto your thighs as you straddle him. The kiss getting steamier as time goes on.

“I’ve wanted you so bad.” You grunt in between the kisses.

“I know, I read about it.”

He doesnt know the effect he has on you. Any little thing he does turns you on. You wanted him so much closer. You start unbuttoning your shirt but Todoroki puts his hand on top of yours to stop you from continueing. He shook his head no.

A frown crept on your face. Why didnt he want to continue this?

“Dont forget we arent in our rooms.” He said unlocking his lips from yours and picking you up. “Lets go change that.” He says heading to the elevator with you in his arms.

You were not ready for what was coming.

Katsuki Bakugou

Okay.

Unlike Todoroki, Bakugou knew it was your diary.

He saw you write in it during class, sitting in the common space, before class, before practice. Basically 24/7.

He was a curious boy, he wanted to know what you wrote about

Who wouldnt want to know what their crush wrote about in their personal diary

He didnt even intend on stealing your journal or anything it kinda just happened

One day, Bakugou asked if you could lend him your class notes for a day he missed

You were in a hurry to go take a nap after school since you did so much today during practice

You hurriedly gave him the first notebook you grasped from your bag...

Bakugou didnt notice until he himself went in his room to copy your notes down. He was like...

Pffffft. It cant be. What a dumbass.

He was quick to read that joint

He honestly only wanted to see if you wrote anything about him in there

The most indented part of the diary is the first page Bakugou opened the journal to

On the left side of the book were multiple cute sketches of Bakugou that you drew whenever you were bored in class

He looked at the right side where you had journal entries logging how many times you had the urge to kiss him during the day.

“Damn Nerd.“ he thought.

Finally... he turned the page to see what it felt like erotica

It was like he was reading something that he shouldnt have been reading.

Oh wait, thats because he is.

You went into detail about how you wouldnt mind if Bakugou violated you in many different ways.

To keep it short. It was hot.

After reading your diary he decides he should finally return it.

He headed to your dorm room and knocked twice before you finally opened it.

“Oh! I didnt expect it to be you.” You said allowing Bakugou to come inside your dorm room.

You look around your dorm to make sure there wasnt any thing you needed to frantically pick up, like a bra or anything and then close the door

“You gave me the wrong notebook.” Bakugou says turning around to face you standing by the door

He lifts the notebook up to face you.

The smile on your face immediately drops once you realize what journal you gave Bakugou. How can someone be so dumb. You thought to yourself.

“Bakugou. You did not read it, did you?” You frantically ask, stepping closer to him to try and snatch the book out of his hands.

“Oi! Calm down.” He says smirking, lifting his hand holding the diary, above his head so its out of arms reach for you.

“Thats not funny I have some personal stu-“

“I wouldnt mind making it come true, if you really wanted to.”

Bakugou cut you off before you had to chance to finish explaining yourself. You were at a loss of words. Katsuki Bakugou reciprocating the same feelings you had?? You were internally screaming.

He steps closer to you, making you instanly back up until your back hit the door. His crimson eyes were staring at yours. You both were getting lost in the others.

He didnt say a word. He just pulled that cheeky smirk that he knew you liked, no loved.

Bakugou had this power over you, he was in control of yoy physically and emotionally. You didnt like it at first, but now you just wanted him to have you. He tossed you diary on your bed.

He nibbled your ear. Causing tons of butterflies to make an appearance in your stomach. Ugh. He left lingering paths of kisses until he finally reached your mouth. His lips were so soft. Softer than you even imagined. You were at peace of mind being this close to Bakugou, but you wanted to be even closer.

“I wanna feel how wet you are for me, Y/N.”

A/N: Ended it before I got tooooooo into itttttt. Whew. I HOPE YALL ENJOYED.

[toomanytakennamesagh]

TSC Villains: Ranked from Most to Least Favorite

Listen, I adore The Shadowhunter Chronicles, but the villains have always been iffy for me. This list is purely opinion based, not factual at all.

Note: I havent included Samael or Janus. Samael, cuz I havent reached his parts yet in TLBOTW; Janus, cuz I wanna see how he is in TWP first before making any opinions of how he is as an antagonist.

1. The Cohort- Probably makes me a hypocrite since, much like the others, they're also cartoonishly evil with no redeemable qualities at all. But! Theyre memorable! This is villainy at its most entertaining! Every scene a Cohort member (cough cough Zara cough cough) was in, I kept wanting them to die, get smacked around, have their spine get ripped out and crunched. I felt something more than apathy or vague disappointment!

2. Shinyun Jung- In the spin-offs but she still counts! I didn't like how cartoonishly evil she became in the second book. Like, at all. Still way higher cuz of her portrayal in the first book, her interesting relationship with Magnus, and having a lot of good lines. Bigger bigger disappointment than Annabel and Malcolm, but at least I enjoy her more. Heck, one could even say I liked her.

3. Annabel Blackthorn- An even bigger disappointment than Malcolm. We did not get to know her very well, but at least some of her scenes were memorable. I appreciate Cassie's efforts in trying to write a non-evil villain.

4. Malcolm Fade- Truly disappointing villain. I thought I'd put him higher, but at a reread I realized he wasnt there that often. I really did like his absemtminded persona in the beginning, and he was actually close to killing Tavvy if it weren't for the Blackthorns finding hom out in time. He even got to resurrect Annabel successfully! Even if it ended horribly for him, he technically won in the end. Also. The diary entries in the cottage. Breaks my heart for what could have been, and makes me want to see a short story about their doomed romance.

You know what, maybe I put him so high cuz Im a sucker for a tragic romance. I did say this list was purely opinion-based.

5. Tatiana Lightwood- Putting her around the lower middle cuz so far I don't really...feel anything for her? I like her feelings and relationship with Jesse and Grace? The dress parrallel with Miss Haversham makes a super cool image? I'd have liked it more if we got to see some complicated feelings towards her brothers, cuz really all I saw was blind hate/willful ignorance towards their father's death, and some annoying complaining about them not giving her enough. Just /some/ sign of attachment, or grudging fondness towards their childhood. Maybe we'd hear more about the relationship with their father? Idk, her scenes in the books/extras dont even fill me with dread. She's just kind of...there for the conflict. But who knows? She could get better later on, we're only at one book for now anyways.

6. Sebastian Morgenstern- Don't care about this guy at all. Nope. He at least got some cool lines and sympathy points, where you actually got to see him in a casual setting, and his death and backstory were nice. Otherwise I hate him, demon blood!Sebastian was an irredeemable monster. Idk, I know that a villain can have no redeemable or human side whatsoever (ie Joker) and still be good. But I also know that I don't feel this way about him. Who knows? It's been a while since I've reread the whole series, so I can't really articulate the exact scenes or reasons why I put him this low, I just know what there's a reason.

7. Valentine Morgenstern- Would honestly been eighth place if it werent for his appearances in the spin offs, where you got to see him deal with the other Circle members. I didnt care about this guy much.

8. Axel Mortmain. I mean this one was obvious??? TID hada lot of good stuff in it, but it was definitely not the villain. I dont even... remember him?? Or a lot of his actions?? The only thing I found noteworthy was his backstory (10/10 good motivation) but it doesn't even do anything cuz a lot of the sympathy that can be gained there wasn't done correctly. I think I remember him finally being able to talk to his dad, and instead of being sad or touching-you know, cuz he finally met the father he lost- I didnt really feel anything of that? I dunno, I could be wrong. It's been a while.

[neo-shitty]

reading drown made me remember how much music personally means to me. i used to have a hard time sleeping back in 6th grade to the point that it badly affected my studies bc for some reason im wide awake at night, felt tired but still fully awake which made me unable to focus in school. so of course i researched what i can do since i didnt want to tell my parents (nasa google kaya lahat 😌) long story short, try listening to music daw 😭 so i did bUT since listening to music wasnt really my hobby, i didnt know what type i should start off and at that time, kpop just recently became big LMAO it was like around 2017 i think. so i liSTENED TO EXO since it was the group that i have been hearing around school AHAHAHAHA the song was baby, dont cry btw. it worked surprisingly, music does calm one's nerves. i didnt understand the lyrics ofc but just by the melody, it made everything around me peaceful. whenever i feel anxious, sad, or stressed, music is the way to go :"> SO EON STORY KO PANO AKO NAGING KPOP FAN 😭😭😭 parinig aq ng iyo po 🙇

pero ofc there were times when it was pointless. there were times na listening to music just made everything worse, it would just be another noise that would frustrate me more. kAYA ANG NEED DITO IS ANO TALAGA U KNOW OO ung pwede mong sandalan hahahaha kaso wala ako non :"> so while reading napapa "sige chan ahhaha sana ol sige sana ol may y/n ng buhay nila hahaha" pero real talk, it would be nice to have someone you can share all your worries with without feeling guilty of wasting their time kaya stray kids hopefully you wont be afraid to love someone freely 😌

uy pati nakakaqiqil si jae dito >:( pero no, bias ko pa den siya sa day6 <3 and the scene where chan was guiding reader along while she was riding his skateboard is so cute huhu ,,, lia is the mc in checkmate, correct?

para akong ewan kc you posted this 11 pm right? i always like reading/watching while lying down sO humiga ako kaso pagkahiga ko, inaantok ako agad :"> enjoying something while youre at your most comfortable position feels so ✨heavenly✨ but it makes me too comfy that it drowns me in sleepiness. like i need to sleep muna bago ako maka focus 100% sa ginagawa ko lmao eh since end of the day eon, pagod aq :"< SMALL RANT LNGS KC BIGLA KO NAPANSIN KAGABI HAHAHAHAHA actually pati this afternoon, manonood sana ako hometown chachacha kaso pagkabagsak ko, tulog. kaya tinuloy ko na lang after an hour of sleep huhu

speaking of hometown, im on ep 10 and its the first ep where seungmin's ost was showcased ! im really excited marinig siya later pag finish ko nung ep na eon. BY THIS TIME EP 12 KA NA NOH?? HOPEFULLY EHE EHE and yes justice para sa mga nababastos >:( daming cases here in our school last f2f tbh. ewan like kadalasan, based on my experience, sinisisi nila sa pananamit ng mga babae 👁️👄👁️ i watched a video/show wherein a boy got caught sexualizing ung kaklase niyang girl tas he defended himself by saying na ang ikli ng skirt ni ate girl but thats literally their uniform , scary honestly

pati ify sa ipis, idk why but im more scared sa ipis than mga daga kc naman ang ipis parang gagamba, bigla biglaan na lang mawawala :"> AH SO UN NGA DI AKO NAKAPUYAT AHHAHAHAHAHAHAH PERO WANT KO NA ULE 😭 anong oras ka natulog?

i just realized then, almost all my feedbacks (?) rants abt your works, may included back story ko HAHAHAH like sa obliviate, harry potter kemene. sa on the ride home, yung untog series q. tas dito sa drown -> ^^^ syempre sa checkmate di ako relate kc di pa naman aq pumapanaw Y^Y

btw how was your day? pag gising ko sa umaga dumeretso aq proj, sipag i2. advance happy eating for dinner !

HAPPY CHANNN DAYYY ,, ayos na daw kurtina nila di ko pa nakikita pero inayos daw ni chan 😌👌

- 👻

glad i came home to a whole ass diary entry today omg owo

6TH GRADE HELP ISNT THAT LIKE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE AMNESIA ;n; hala baka magfalse diagnosis ka sa gogol ha, tell your parents next time kung may ano. oh yeah, mas better talaga kung di mo naiintindihan yung lyrics? bc you don't have to think of the lyrics too. music stopped working as a lullaby for me when quarantine started so i resorted to yt vids. but i still go for music whenever my self-esteem is low. noise music really boosts it *u* exo-l ka pa ba now? or you didn't stan? sinu-sino nga pala stinastan mo omg?

dude my story started in g2 when i heard fire by 2ne1 on the MIT top 20 of myx. i was quite a casual kpop fan up until late g10 when i started memorizing members (which i didn't do bc i was really just in it for the music not the groups).

HAJSHJAH truly tho it's nice to have someone around :'( namimiss ko na rin yung time na may 'y/n' ako but it's been so long that i'm fine on my own na HAJHAJ JAE IS MY BIAS TOO BUT ANTAGONIZING HIM WAS FUN. t'was bc of this vid (around the 28:18 to 29:20 mark; literally the inspo for the whole fic). yep, lia's checkmate's mc! the part abt guiding sa skateboard happened to me irl HIHIH #kilig #reminiscing kakamiss f2f

yeah at 11pm. i think i posted it too late bc it's not doing too well notes wise but whatever, it's chan day. HAHAH glad you slept easily though! MY BIGGEST SANA ALL. i slept at 3 na kanina bc i was either too hot or too cold.

how long is the kdrama? also i'm really proud of seungmin for scoring that ost :'( go get it, vocal king. NAUR I DIDNT GET TO FINISH THE ANIME BC I WENT AND WATCHED BSD KDJSKLJ i'll try and finish it tonight (bc i was out the whole day + i might be writing later) i fucking hate men. icb i'm at the point where i'm torn abt having a bf bc i kinda want a man but they're disgusting as hell???? it's hard to find the good ones nowadays.

mga ipis kasi feeling butterfly jsdhjfh at least yung daga aware ka kung asan ;n; IM SCARED OF SPIDERS TOO JDSKFJ wag ka magpuyat l8r kasi monday pero eh depends pa rin sau

oo nga pansin ko din yung back stories but they're interesting to read naman so i don't mind !! SANA DI KA TALAGA MAKARELATE SA CHECKMATE JUSQ do not claim the negative energy from that fic

we went to my mom's office earlier bc she wasn't feeling great and she couldn't come home yet kasi nakabubble siya doon. we just go thome tapos yown diretso answer sa ask HAHAH magtstsaa palang aq mamaya pa ata dinner namin mga 7 pero yeah advance happy eating din sayo!

AND YES HAPPY CHAN DAY <333 lol narealize ko lang both my ults had sunday birthdays this year o.O and OO HAJSHJAH i watched the chan's vlog last night (partly the reason why napuyat ako) and inayos niya yung curtain sa bandang huli <//3 can't tease them anymore HMP