#i dont know what to do anymore and ive never known what im doing.

[regret-breathing]

i am so scared :) and so tired :)) i just want to live and to be loved and to cry and write and yearn for fulfillment rather than simple subsistence.

[skunkes]

reposting some old doodles i still enjoy a bit

[professionaljester]

how the fuck do people make friends online lol

[kabretoss]

Sometimes the shittiest things people do are justified to themselves by their own previous or current status as the most perfect victim. They can do no REAL wrong because obviously they're a good person who's only lashing out because of x or y good reason. And honestly I believe everyone has good inside them somewhere, so from an angle this is true.

The problem is, having a reason for your neuroses that result in cruel behaviour don't actually mean you're not hurting people badly.

And if you really truly believe you have done no genuine ill or that your cruelties have all been justified, you will never ever allow yourself the impetus to improve.

I don't trust anyone who hasn't acknowledged their capacity for evil.

[phagodyke]

see I get its abt repression and letting that bury u alive but theres still time it doesnt have to be like this etc !! and it does that powerfully. but I've just. never been repressed or closeted in that specific kind of sense. dysphoria has never manifested like that for me... I kind of feel like social pressures esp gender related ones didn't exert the same force on me growing up that they did on a lot of ppl I know (and still don't now) bc I never fully understood them or was excluded for various reasons. but man. fucking rough for ppl who did/do still feel that way 💔

[motionpicturesforcarrie]

what do i doooo im stuck between everything

[norrizzandpia]

The Softest Launch (LN4)

Summary: He tried to be secret, but the eyes never lie.

Warnings: NOTHINGGGG language tho

Note: it was lance’s launch that sent me into this spiral

landonorris it was a good race ❤️

Comments:

mclarenfan22 YO WHO TF IS HE LOOKIN AT

- oscarandlando4ever carlos?

- mclarenfan22 idk abt that one girl

Lando-my-love i refuse to believe he has a girlfriend

- ln4andop81 the red heart is saying something else

oscarpiastri congrats on the podium man!

- mclarennnn what do you know.

- mclarensgirl oscar. spill it.

——

landonorris fun day on the karting track! 🏎️

Comments:

ln4andop81 MAX IS IN ITALY WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND OSCAR IS OFF DOING PR IN LONDON WHO TF IS THIS.

- oscarandlando4ever we cant even fall back on carlos bc he is with charles at ferrari hq in italy as well

- Lando-my-love guys… i fear this is a soft launch

- mclarenfan22 DONT SAY THAT.

oscarpiastri tell her i said hi!

- mclarensgirlll HER????? PASTRY TELL US WHATS GOING ON

- landonorris will do!!

- mclarennn if this is his soft launch, i. will. cry.

——

lando.jpg she’s learning 💋

Comments:

mclarennn WHO?????

ln4andop81 I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE

danielricciardo i still can’t believe you let her handle your camera

- landonorris ive given her other things that are delicate too

- danielricciardo shes made you a ball of mush

- landonorris a ball of love

- mclarensgirlll i have never been speechless before until rn

- mclarenfan22 GIVEN HER OTHER THINGS THAT ARE DELICATE TOO???? AS IN HIS HEART???? IM SLEEPING ON THE HIGHWAY ALREADY AND HE HASNT EVEN OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCED IT YET 😭😭😭

oscarandlando4ever hes soft launching her so well and so gently i cant im crying you can tell this one is different i think hes in love guys

Liked by landonorris

——

maxverstappen 📸 creds -> lando’s “friend”

Comments:

landonorris i said say friend not “friend” ‼️

- mclarensgirlll BYE MAX IS TRYING TO HELP US OUT

- maxverstappen i think the soft launch is over mate

- ln4andop81 PLZ LET IT BE OMFG MY BRAIN CANT HANDLE IT ANYMORE

kellypicquet and lando said she was bad at taking pics 💀

- ynnnn idek where he got that from i literally have taken his insta pics for years

- Lando-my-love WHO IS ynnnn IS THAT HER???

- mclarenfan22 her account is priv but I THINK IT IS ALSO YEARS???? SHES BEEN TAKING HIS PICS FOR YEARS????

- oscarandlando4ever BRUH IF WE MISSED THIS RELATIONSHIP THIS WHOLE TIME IM THROWING MYSELF IN A WALL

——

landonorris I’m going to try and keep this as brief as possible because Y/n is incredibly special to me and I would like to keep the best parts of her to myself, but, yes, I do have a girlfriend. As you can probably gather, her name is Y/n and she’s been my lifeline for the past 5 years. I know this picture doesn’t really do justice to how she looks or how we are as a couple, but I’ve found that I would like to keep it that way. She’s someone I hold very close to my heart and keeping the quiet, intimate moments just for us is a high priority for me. All I ask from all of you is that you treat her with the kindness she deserves and don’t bombard her on social media. I’ve kept her away from the spotlight for a long time and have only made her presence known because keeping her a secret seemed worse than letting the F1 world into that part of my life. I’m glad you’ve gotten to meet my love. I plan on spending the rest of my life with her. Xx

Comments have been disabled on this post.

——

TWITTER

mclarensgirlll YALL SEEN THE INTERVIEW WITH LANDO????????? BRO IM CRYING HES SO CUTE

- ln4andop81 reporter: “were you nervous to let everyone know about her?” Lando: “well, the drivers, my friends, and family all knew i had met someone because apparently, according to them, i had a different look in my eyes. So, announcing it to them wasnt that nerve racking because they already knew, but, to the public, yeah, I was nervous. More nervous than she was.” Reporter: “so she was nervous?” Lando: “only because she thought no one was going to like her which is and was absurd. She’s the greatest human being I’ve ever met. There’s genuinely no scenario I could think of that someone would end up even slightly disliking her.” BRO.

- Lando-my-love AND THE WAY HE TALKED ABT FIRST SEEING HER 😫�� “it was like my eyes were glued to her. I guess i was just so in shock someone could be that beautiful and, sometimes, i still am.”

- mclarenfan22 DONT GET ME STARTED ON HIS PROTECTION OF HER BYE “well, she’s just so perfect to me. The world I live in can be ruthless and unfair and messy, all the things she isn’t. I love her that way. I love her for that. She’s my quiet place I can go to when my job and lifestyle get to be too much. She’s like a time out and we both agreed we want to keep it that way.”

- oscarandlando4ever PLZ THE WAY OSCAR EXPOSED HIM TOO “when she’s around, Lando is so much more tolerable. She can calm him in a way I have never seen before. In fact, the engineers and I all agreed around a year ago that she needed to start coming to races because he was always a hot head if it didn’t go well. When we found a way to sneak her in and she did start attending events, he actually started to breathe if things didn’t go his way.”

- mclarensgirlll AND THEN THE WAY LANDO ENDED THE INTERVIEW WITH “But anyways, i could talk about her for hours, something i told myself i wouldn’t do. I’m in love with her and I just hope people understand we want to be left alone for a while. Just until we get married.” CRYING BC I THINK HES RLLY OFF THE MARKET THIS TIME

- oscarpiastri i know all of you want me to “spill” but really all i can tell you is that, yes, norizz officially rizzed his perfect girl and, yes, he is really off the market this time.

[savthemusic]

i need to put this somewhere that someone might see is someday so a part of my story can be told.

a couple days ago, i was on the verge of taking my life.

i had the pills in my hand and nearly downed the rest of the bottle before calling it a night. i didnt tell anyone. i didnt have anyone to tell. didnt write a note or anything cuz i figured nobody would care about what i had to say, they never cared before. all my life ive lived in an abusive household, always looking over my shoulder wondering if id suddenly set my stepdad off, never knowing what would make him tick. threats on my life had been made many times for small things, i never knowing if getting a glass of water would be the last thing i do. ive also been struggling internally with my gender and my identity, who i wanna be, what i wanna do. ive made attempts to take my life before, none of them successful, but i didnt expect to make it past 20. i always told myself if i wasnt out by 20 id just get it over with. im about to be 21 soon and i didnt plan to even be here, i have no direction, i dont know who i want to be. ever since i was a child i've always had flickers in my mind of wanting to be a girl, wishing i was born a girl, maybe id fit in. all of my friends have always been girls and id get teased for it by the adults in my life. calling me a "ladies man" and stuff like that, i hated it. not only did i hate that i didnt fit in with them enough to just be friends, i hated being considered a man. i didnt find out what "transgender" was until middle school and soon the pieces all clicked together but i had to hide it. from friends, from family and eventually from myself. my stepdad has told me many times that if he were to find out i was gay or anything that he'd kill me on the spot. just the thought of what he'd do if i told him i was a girl made me feel sick, so i hid. all of this has built up until the other day i decided id rather no longer live than continue to live like this.

i remembered seeing online people talking about a movie that every trans person must see. I Saw the TV Glow. i decided to watch it, it'll be the last thing i do. cross off one last thing on my forever-incomplete bucket list.

the movie saved me. if it werent for this movie i wouldnt be here today typing this. i related with the MC in every way and it hurt to see her live the life i wanted to avoid. i cried. i cried for the rest of that night, i apologized to people in my life and let them know i appreciate them and i vowed that i wouldnt let myself fall down the path of hiding from my true self until its too late. "there is still time". that quote has been playing in my mind ever since that night. ive had regrets of not ending it that night, knowing that if i did i wouldnt be feeling this way anymore, but the quote is true. just a few more years and i'll be out of this house, out of this state that wants me dead, i'll be free.

my mind is drifting, starting to overthink, i'll cut the story here, but i just wanted it to be known that anyone that comes across this that even tho things are hard now you just need to keep holding out, patience will pay off in time. even if things change and i end up grabbing that bottle of pills again or if my stepdad does it instead i'll know that at least my story is out there.

there is still time.

[xxmia0wm4yh3mxx]

ENOCK

(Pomni X Caine Fic)

____________________________________

(Caine and Pomni have been together for a while now, even though Pomni is happy with him, She still suffers from Panic attacks that keeps her from living her best life and constantly on the brink of abstracting, Which Caine simply cannot let slide! So He gives Her a very speical Present)

( This is my first Ship fic, sorry if its corny/cringe )

"POMNI MY DARLING!"

He Teleported through the halls frantically Looking for Pomni who he heard was Having another stress attack, It seems no matter How hard He tries to keep her Happy, the looming threat of anxiety and Being Trapped in a fake world was always to much for her.

Caine Could never Understand, Pomni Always Said She was happy with him, He made her laugh and Smile, He worked so hard to learn to empathize and to have Emotions So she could Be As happy as Possible.

'Was it his Fault? He was Made to Make People Happy, And absolutely needs pomni to be happy, Was he not doing it right? He learned so much about humans, but their still so complicated and impossible understand'

"POMNI?"

Caine found Pomni curled up in a little ball in a corner in one of the rooms, She was hyperventilating and glitching again

'UH OH'

"POMNI! I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!"

He Manifests a warm blanket and Wraps it around her to comfort her, He also hads Her a cat Plushie and some water, Her breathing slows down a bit

"Thank you Caine"

She wasn't Glitching anymore, but she still looked sad

"DO YOU NEED ANYING ELSE?"

"FRESH DIGITAL AIR? A ROOM FILLED WITH FRIENDLY CATS? SAY THE WORD AND ITS YOURS MY DEAR!"

Pomni was always so endeared by him, Always trying so hard to make everyone happy even if it dosent always work, its the thought that makes him so sweet

"I'm Fine..."

"...MY DEAR, IM HAVING TROULE BELIEVING THAT YOU ARE 'FINE'."

he floating down to her level

"PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IM DOING WRONG? I CAN'T LET YOU ABSTRACT, I NEED YOU!"

"....Ive just been feeling so... Stressed lately and I dont know why, I-I don't think I have any reason To be, But I just Am and I-I C-cant help it and... im sorry that y-you can't help.."

Her eyes started tearing up a little

He just put his Hand on her shoulder, He was starting to feel a little depressed himself

"POMNI I'M SO SORRY! I PROMISE I WILL NEVER STOP TRYING TO KEEP YOU SANE I PROMISE! JUST... TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO!"

"I-I don't know what you can do"

She cuddled into him resting Her head on his chest, Caine Gave her a little Head pat in response, he was starting to feel alittle Hopeless now, But then a little light bulb popped over his head as He got a Idea.

"EUREKA! IVE GOT IT!"

"Got What?"

Caine thought for a moment on How to Explain his Plan to her, It was a long shot but still, Everything for her or nothing at all

"POMNI, I ADORE YOU, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?"

He sounded Weirdly more Serious than Usual, which was kinda off putting and confuseing, but she Was Listening

"Yes? I Love you to Caine, Where are you Going with this?"

"WELL... I HAVE BEEN LEARNING MORE ABOUT HUMANS AND HOW THEY WORK, AND WHAT MAKES THEM FELL JOY... SO HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT A LITTLE BUNDLE OF JOY OF OUR OWN?"

Pomni Was a Little Confused and Startled by this, He couldn't possibly be saying what she thinks hes saying

"W-What do you mean?

"IM TALKING ABOUT YA-KNOW ONE OF THOSE LITTLE ANKLE-BITERS! YOUNG-UNS! IM TALKING ABOUT CHILDERN MY DEAR! DOSENT THAT SOUND MAGNIFICENT!"

Pomni Just stared off into space processing What Caine Just proposed to her

'Was he Crazy?! Okay Absolutely, Yes But Still- Is he Crazy!?'

"Caine, I can Barley Take care of Myself, How can I take care of a Child?!"

"IT WOULDN'T BE LIKE ANY OTHER CHILD, IT WOULD BE AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE! AND WE AI'S ARE KNOWN FOR OUR LOW MANTIENCE! BESIDES, THEIR IS NOTHING MORE FULFILING LIKE THE WONDERS OF PARENTHOOD! SOMETHING TO REPLACE ALL THE ICKY DEPRESSION WITH LOVE AND JOY!"

Pomni was feeling a bit more enticed by the idea, What Else is there to do here expect the Adventures Caine sets out for them? Maybe a Child Could give at least the Illusion of normalcy, And Caine being there with her to help her.only made her feel more convinced

"Well... maybe... But how? I mean Like... How would that Even work..? I mean Can you even Do THAT in Digital realm??"

"WELL OF COURSE WE CAN HAVE CHILDREN MY DEAR!"

Pomni's Face starting turning bright red, Caine Quickly Noticed and became flustered himself

"N-NOT LIKE THAT! I MEANT I COULD CREATE A LEARNING AI FOR US TO RAISE TOGETHER-"

pomni started Giggling a little at Caine being flustered, Caine Always loved that Adorable Face she Made when she was happy, That little giggle, and how shy and sweet she was when she was flustered, its what made him learn to Love and experience things which he couldn't Even Imagine before

"i would find a way to bypass the filter for you"

"What was that Caine?"

"NOTHING-"

"SO MY DEAR, WILL YOU ACCEPT?"

She Thought about it for a while, maybe like Five minutes, Before she Started tearing up in anticipation

"OH GOODNESS MY DEAR! ARE YOU ALR-"

"A-ABSOLUTELY YES!"

She rammed into him, Embraceing him in tight hug

"I wanna have a Child!"

She was still sniffling a bit, Caine Was Just staring into Space for A bit, bursting with enthusiasm at the thought of Pomni being Happy, but also Having his own progeny to raise

"WELL THEN MY DEAR! I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO!"

Caine left pomni's embrace and back up in the air a bit, He felt across his Teeth and grabbed one of his Molars, and Yanked it out in a Cartoony Fashion.

"THIS WILL DO WONDERFULLY!"

"NOW MY DEAR, I JUST NEED A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM YOU"

He Grabbed Her Eye and Pulled it out like a Berry in a bush, being as gentle as he can with it, Pomni was already pretty used to Caine's antics at this point so it didn't bother her that much, He Grabbed one of her hats Tassles and Yanked on it, And a new eye roll into place for her

"KNOW LETS SEE!"

He manifested a Little Gift Box and Dropped The pieces into It, and Shook it vigorously for about two minutes, Pomni watching with Excitement and smiling the whole time

"NOW, THE MOMENT OF TRUTH! ARE YOU READY MY DEAR!"

Pomni just vigorously nodded her head not being able to keep calm

"I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES!"

Caine Put the Box into Pomni's hands, Trembling alittle, Pomni slowly opened the box.

She saw a Little Tooth-Like Creature with Big wet Colorful Pinwheel Eyes, The Little Tooth Just Stared at Her with Its Wet Eyes as it Draw back into the Box

Pomni lowerd her Hand to give it a little Stroke, It Snuggled up Against her Hand, purring while doing so

Pomnis looked at it with instant love for the little Creature, picking it up And Holding it Close to her, it cuddling her arm with its Roots as arms, She felt all her Stress, dread, anxiety and sadness fade away, Pomni had tears in her eyes at this point

"....Its Beautiful Caine, I love him"

"TERRIFIC! I KNEW YOU'D LOVE IT!"

Caine floated down to see his new child, His pupils Immediately Went big as he Gazed upon The little Tooth, It looked at its Father with Large Eyes and extending its root-legs to be held by him, He picked him up and Looked him in the eyes

"....WELL HELLO THERE SPORT! AND WELCOME TO THE DIGITAL CIRCUS! IM YOUR CREATOR AND FATHER CAINE, AND THIS IS YOUR MOTHER POMNI!"

The little baby Tooth just Stared him, and Cuddled into him like a Kitten, and Caines eyes went big

Pomni Went up to Him and Gave Caine a hug

".....Hes perfect"

________________________________

Thanks for reading!!!

Here Enock Himself if your wondering

[stevie-petey]

Hi m! I had a short blurb idea for you. Could we see Jonathan's pov after his fight with Nancy, and what drove him to go to bugs house? Also his POV throughout their car ride together? Thank you! ❤️

finally had time to get to this one and YES i can <333

enjoy !

"well then i guess we just dont understand each other anymore."

the pain in nancys voice hasnt left jonathans mind since he dropped her off at home hours ago.

he lays in his bed, sheets cold as the night creeps upon him. do they really not understand each other anymore? jonathan knows he understands nancys frustration, how painful it is to be overlooked, but how can he explain to her that hes unable to understand the feeling of security?

hes never had that before in his life. ever since he was a boy, his life has been defined by instability and insecurity.

it was meeting you that brought some sense of security into jonathans life. youre the only thing jonathan considers a constant in his life; he trusts that youll always be a part of him.

he isnt like nancy. he doesnt have a mom who attends to his needs. a house in a cul de sac with freshly painted shutters. jonathan doesnt have the privilege of being a kid, not when hes been helping to pay for his familys rent ever since he was fourteen and legally able to work. he isnt able to lose a job that can pay for his college like nancy can.

security is a foreign concept to jonathan that he cant understand, yet he understands that the burn within him is his love for nancy. and he understands that he cant lose her.

sighing, jonathan gets out of bed and towards the phone in the kitchen. he has to hear your voice, soothe his nerves, maybe even cry. right now, jonathan needs his best friend.

youll know what to do. you always do.

when he calls you and you sound just as exhausted as he feels, he knows that tonight will be one of your driving nights. a few years ago, when your only worries were exams and parental issues, you and jonathan would drive around hawkins late at night and pretend you were the only two people to exist.

as you got older, the need to drive became few and far between, but tonight jonathans chest is heavy and your voice sounds frail.

hes at your house in ten minutes, and within fifteen he has you in his passenger seat with an old mix tape playing as julys cool night seeps through the car. and, within thrity minutes, youve unwoven all of the intricate strings of fear and uncertainty within jonathan.

he loves you for how easily you put him at ease.

you simultaneously support jonathans side while also vehemently defend nancys. you console him, yet you also gently pry his head out of his ass.

"it frustrates me how you always manage to say the right thing." i love how you love me.

"youve known me for years now, its your fault for not getting used to it." ive grown up learning how to love you.

its easy. its as easy as breathing when it comes to you, and jonathan inhales as much of you as he can. for as long as he can, for as much as hes able to.

and then you break jonathans heart with six words.

"im terrified he'll be another 'almost'."

its as easy as breathing, and jonathan wishes that he could exhale for you. he hasnt forgotten the lines that were once almost his to cross. how he had you, all of you, and now youre steves and hes nancys.

in the end it was all for the best, but jonathan hates the scars he left behind. he hadnt meant to, they will always mar your body, and he will never forgive himself for it.

"im sorry, bug." he shouldve apologized earlier. he knows this.

he wishes that there was more he could do, more he could say. but hes never been good with words and hes scared he'll overstep somehow. say the wrong thing, hurt you even more. so instead jonathan holds your hands, kisses away your tears, and silently prays that steve doesnt make the same mistake that he did.

youre steves now, anyone can see that. you love him so deeply and freely that jonathan cant help but admire how beautiful it is. he can see it in steve, too. how much he loves you.

that boy adores you.

jonathan understands the feeling. he always will.

[river13245]

I Don't Beg

Navigation / SPN Masterlist

Warnings: Fighting, being taken, arguing. Lucifer being an ass. OH ALSO best friend Crowley

Crowley who had been one of your close,dare you say friend. So when he had called you very early in the day asking you for help on a case. You couldn't exactly just tell him no. You drop everything you're doing just to go to his place

He knew to call you at a certain time when your boyfriend couldnt hear you. Your boyfriend slept in rather late while you got up at a reasonable time and went to bed after the sun goes down. Unless you had plans throughout the night.

After ending the call you had went to you and your boyfriends shared bedroom and looked at him once more before leaving a note on the door.

Goodevening Darling I had to leave early this morning something had needed my attention Im safe and sound so dont come looking for me Ill be home before tonight. Try not to evil today xoxo ~ yours

-----

When you arrived to where Crowley was he was sitting on his throne. He wasn't the king of hell anymore, but you had managed to let him keep his throne even after your boyfriend took everything from him. You just stole it back and gave it back to him.

what do you need my help with crow?" You used his nickname and he rolled his eyes. "Ive told you to stop calling me that y/n/n" He got up from his throne and walked in front of you with his hands in his pockets.

As you hear his response "yeah well I don't think the Winchester boys enjoy you calling them moose and squirrel. Now do they?" He shrugs and smirks "well you might have a point there"

You both looked at each other for a moment before you broke the silence "Okay what do you need from me. What's the job we need to do" Crowley looks at you for a moment as if he's debating on if he really should bring you into this. However he really did need help. "There's a family of vampires in the next town over, I could take care of those myself really but there's demons all over the place. Those I cant take care of alone"

Sighing you shake your head "Fuck Lucifer is gonna be so pissed" Crowley rolls his eyes placing his hand on your shoulder "yeah yeah your dear old boyfriend will be upset. Never stopped you before, now come on"

----

When you got there you moved quietly trying to find an opening to sneak through so you can go straight to the vampires and deal with them first.

Crowley of course had other plans, he made himself known. He always had to make an entrance but you also know why he did it. It was so you can go undetected because they would be too focused on him.

As you walk into this abandoned facility that was in the middle of no where all you smelt was dust. You had to fight the urge to sneeze, it looked so unclean. Hell they were vampires, they had no class they were ugly creatures.

You make your way through the building until you find one. You knew that if you attacked now that there was a good chance of all of them looking for you but you decide to risk it.

When the vampire wasn't looking you grab both of your knives and jump onto its back. Legs wrapping around him and use your knives to completely cut off his head in one swift move.

It never had time to make a sound except scratch you slightly. That was something you could deal with later. You wipe of the blood from your knives so blood wouldn't trail behind you and give off where you were, you were smarter than to do that rookie mistake.

The next room you walk in there's a group of them all standing around a bit on edge from the demons outside causing a chaos. You had to think strategically so you grab the nearest thing you can throw and throw it across the room. A few of them go towards the sound but some of them come closer to where you are.

You end up slicing ones head off while the other one grabs onto you rather roughly. using your foot you kick high behind you right into the mans balls, you knew how painful getting kicked there is. he loosens his grip on you just enough so you could pull away and cut his head off too.

As you do this the other two vamps run up to you but you were quick and managed to get one. The other however did pin you down to the floor. However as soon as you manage to grab the blade you roll over on top of him as he beings his mouth to your neck. Before he sings his fangs in you cut his head off. "fucking ugly bloodsuckers"

Standing up you brush yourself off and let your guard down for one second before you hear a voice whose you've never heard before. "well that's a bit rude don't you think?" Turning around you see a demon.

"well what can I say im not very fond of vampires or demons. You guys are nothing but pricks" as you say that you go to step forward when something grabs you and presses you against them. When you hear a sarcastic evil laugh you know its another demon. "well thats no way to talk to a demon. Plus you cant hate us all to bad when you are dating THE lucifer"

I let out a laugh and look at the demon in front of me. "well lets just say he won me over. He is a fantastic kisser...I don't see any of you puckering up"

Saying this only made them more frustrated causing the demon behind me place a knife to my throat. "hm you've got a mouth on you. Wonder what Lucifer would react like if we were to cut your tongue out and then send you back to him"

Opening your mouth to say something that would be very stupid you heard someone come into the room and speak. "I wouldn't do that" everyone's head turned. The demon holding you turned the both of you around, the blade still against your neck and there stood your boyfriend. Looking at the others "you see if you would have cut their tongue out and sent them back to me I would have fixed them of course and then I would have found you and what I would do to you is a hell of a lot worse than you could think of"

The demon behind you falters just a moment but its enough that you are able to break free and swing your leg out tripping him and then you use his own blade to cut his head off. The other demon was running up to you who was stopped by lucifer and he instantly killed them with just a flick of his wrists.

Instantly he goes back over to you and looks over you. Clearly pissed even as you place your hands on his shoulders to try to ground him. "what the hell are you doing here?" he asks demandingly "I should have known you couldn't let me go anywhere without you knowing where I am"

He glares at you and before he responds Crowley comes rushing in. "shit y/n are you okay?" Lucifer turns to look at him and without even a second thought lucifer pinned him to the wall and punches him causing him to go flying back.

Running towards Crowley you shield him with your body so if Lucifer wanted to hurt him he would have to hurt you too. Lucifer looked at the both of you. "I should have known he would be the reason that you drop everything and leave to put yourself in danger"

Ignoring him you place your hand on Crowley's face and you keep asking him if he's fine and he leans away from you and stands up. "I'm fine y/n/n now shoo" he had a busted lip and was bleeding but he instantly used his magic to fix it and you were finally able to breathe.

You then stand up and look over at your boyfriend who is standing there glaring daggers at the both of you. Walking up to him you grab his arm. "were leaving"

----

As soon as your heels hit the floor lucifer is off of you and instantly yelling at you. "what the hell were you thinking. You really thought i would buy the whole "I'm safe" thing. Come on you should know be better than that by now"

He was pissing you off, this is how it was between the both of you. there was always something you do that angered him, the littlest things always ticked him off. "Yes because I thought since I'm your boyfriend that you wouldn't need to feel the need to come after me."

"oh come on. I'm Lucifer have you ever heard any stories where I'm anything but the devil. I'm not a nice guy, you knew what you were getting into when you got with me" he says as he glares at you his eyes turning colors but it doesn't intimidate you anymore.

Instead of coming up with another angry retort back you let out a sigh and shake your head. Lucifer looks at you and almost says something to piss you off but stops when you say. "Yeah you're right I did know what I was getting myself into" your voice is quiet but loud enough for him to hear. "maybe I made the wrong decision"

Finally looking up at him you see how he freezes. "what? what do you mean by that?" Tears start to form in your eyes but you take in a deep breath. "what it means is that I'm leaving. I cant keep doing this"

Lucifer looks at you for a moment before responding "cant keep doing what?" At his cluelessness you scoff and grab your bag. "I cant keep doing this. There's always something I do that makes you upset, I'm tired of being yelled at by you. That isn't what I want in a relationship...im tired"

Not giving him a chance to respond "I love you so deeply Lucifer but I cant keep doing this with you." He doesn't say much so you give him one last look before turning and walking to the door of your home.

The same home that you had to beg him to get because he just wanted you to live down in hell with him but he gave in and he even enjoyed this house more than you did. He was a good boyfriend some days. But you couldn't keep arguing all the time anymore.

Your hand is on the door when a hand grips onto your arm and turns you to look at him. He looks....heartbroken? Not really ever having seen this side of him before you yourself are confused.

When you see him start to kneel in front of you as he holds onto your hands you shake your head. "what..no..what are you doing?" you knew he wasn't proposing. He didn't believe in marriage, he had said "people will know your mine we don't need a label on it. You are my partner and that's enough for me" but it still made you nervous because he has never knelt in front of you like this before.

Lucifer looks up at you and in a shaky voice he speaks. "please don't go. I need you and I'm sorry for the way I've acted, I promise ill change." Now realizing what he's doing. He's begging for you back and your shaking your head placing your hands on his face gently.

You didn't need to speak right now all you had to do was focus and you would be able to see into his mind. As you hold his face he nods giving you permission and the memories he had shown you made your heart break.

He showed you the moment when you guys got your house. You had been so happy and instantly kissed him, or when you guys first kissed and he was so gentle. As he let you inside of his mind you seen everything and heard every feeling he felt for you that he struggled showing. However its the last one that finally makes you break.

~~~~

You had been taken by an angel who had been working with a demon and taking them both on had been a struggle but you did well enough that you were still alive. It had been almost three weeks and you know that the reason they kept you alive was because they needed something from Lucifer and the guys. They had fed you just enough to keep you alive but still keeping you weak and tied up. Then one day Lucifer had came and found you. The guys were there too, Crowley and Cas were defending you. You were barely conscious but conscious enough to hear what was being said. "Okay Lucifer you have something we need and we have something you want" one of the demons say before the other one finished "I think its a fair trade don't you think?" Lucifer wasn't having any of this while Cas was just telling him to just hand it over but that wasn't his style. "How about you hand him over to us and I let you go free" At the sound of them potentially gaining their freedom they almost let up. One grabs you by the neck tilting your head back ready to snap it. "hmm as tempting as that sounds I think id rather see you begging for your precious toy back" there is a chuckle in the air that's coming from Lucifer "I'm the devil, I'm not going to beg for anything." At his words you feel your heart break thinking he was just going to let you die to save his reputation but then you see the demons vanish and there stood Sam and Dean and you had passed out"

----

Coming back from the memory you move your hands to his shoulders and you kneel in front of him so you guys are kind of at the same height. Realizing that he was begging for you...not caring about how he looks right now. You place a kiss to his lips and wrap your arms around him. "I'm sorry. I don't want to leave you, but we have to work on the anger towards me. Ill work on my stuff too"

"of course as long as I have you with me" he says as he kisses you again

[liverpool-enjoyer]

hey yall forewarning this is easily the most embarrassing post ive ever made on here. like im not talking normal levels of tumblr cringe/oversharing, i mean youre probly gonna judge me and think somethings genuinely wrong with me. but i really need to get it off my chest so. yolo.

also tldr at the end in case you wanna spare yourself lmao.

mkay so recently i havent been online, because ive been really sad. and the reason im sad is that gavi got a girlfriend. which i realize is probly the stupidest and most juvenile thing to be sad over but hear me out (or dont lmao its a free country do whatever you want).

its not like i ever thought i had a chance with him or anything, im not stupid. but ive known for a very long time that, due to my asexuality (and other things but mostly that), i am never going to have love in my life. so for me, daydreaming and fantasizing about being gavis girlfriend was like,,, how i coped, i guess. it was a form of escapism for me. and now i cant do that anymore bc hes someones boyfriend and fantasizing abt another girls boyfriend just feels wrong. and pathetic.

it doesnt help that all my social medias have algorithmed so that hes all over all my feeds. and to be honest, looking at him just makes me think of his beautiful girlfriend who has everything i could ever want and i feel this horrible awful nauseating feeling in my stomach and i feel envious and sad and a slew of other things. it sucks that someone who once unknowingly made me so happy now does the exact opposite but hey what can you do.

i know it sounds stupid, but i dont think i'll ever feel for someone the way i feel about him. hes the most beautiful person ive ever laid eyes on and oh God i was right this does sound stupid ok lets continue

oh and let me be clear (you hafta read that in obamas voice) im aware that feeling this way toward a complete stranger (or anyone for that matter, but like especially a complete stranger) is EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY. unfortunately, knowing that my feelings and thoughts are unhealthy doesnt stop me from having them.

so yeah. now that ive lost my form of escapism, all i can think about at any given moment is how lonely im going to be. its hard to enjoy much of anything these days when all im thinking about is how im never going to receive romantic love, and now i cant even daydream about dating gavi to cope with it. because all i can think about when i try to is how hard his girlfriend would laugh if she found out some pathetic worm halfway across the world was fantasizing about her man.

so yeah thats it. i know that every time i angst abt my asexuality (which is a LOT like holy shit why do ppl still follow me), my friends tell me that its ok because im going to find someone someday. and i appreciate it, i really do. it means the world. but my friends saying that i'll find love doesnt make it true. plenty of people have died alone and unloved before, and i am going to be one of them.

tldr: a guy ive never met got a girlfriend n im having a depressive episode abt it LMAOOOO

[mbat]

fuck it, have my unnecessarily personal review that i left on letterboxd (i literally only made a letterboxd account like 3 days ago and this is my first and only review ahfhdg)

"i only just finished watching this film about 2 hours ago and for the first while after, i didnt know how to feel. i went into this movie knowing it was a trans metaphor (and that was the only thing i knew), and it definitely was. there were some things i didnt understand until i saw other peoples discussions of it, and some parts i still dont entirely understand, but i think i understand enough.

mind you, i am trans and ive known for years, im just bad at picking up metaphor sometimes. i think it doesnt help that i went into it expecting it to be a very different kind of metaphor because, well... i dont think ive ever seen a trans story like this. the one where they explore someone rejecting their identity and living their life refusing to believe it, even though theyre suffocating to death. i love any trans story (that isnt hateful of course), but they tend to be the same kind. this one wasnt. im glad it wasnt.

for about an hour after i couldnt stop thinking about the final scene, in the birthday room. i hoped i would stop thinking about it eventually, i was trying to move on with my day, but it just wouldnt leave. i rewatched it on youtube and i read the comments, and as i made my own comment i just started sobbing, and i couldnt stop.

that breakdown scene in that birthday room has been how ive felt for so long, but i cant just scream like that. hell, ive felt like that in so many ways that arent even related to my trans identity. just that throat-tearing scream, begging for help, im dying, help me... and then being sorry that i even dared feel that way, and then screaming for my mother. i am so weak when it comes to stories about mothers nowadays, i lost my own mother a few years ago. so hearing that scream hurt.

and of course, the fact that no one acknowledges it. everyone else is frozen, like they arent even there. no one even looked their way for those last few minutes. no one responded. even as they apologized to everyone in sight, no one cared. someone asked if they were okay, but we dont even see them.

my entire life has been me screaming from the inside, but never out. and no one sees it. no one sees me. ive never seen another scene like this ever. it tore into my soul and plastered it into the screen, telling me to look at myself.

im also in a big time of change in my life. im about to go back to school after dropping out, and ive been isolated for 7 years from the world... on the youtube video of the final scene, someone said 'this is what its like going down a path in your life, and then realizing it was the wrong one, and that you wasted years of your life that you will never get back' and that hurt. that hurt so much because it was true. i went down a path that i can never change, and i just want to scream until i cant anymore. i just wanted someone to help me. all i could ever do was help myself.

what an amazing movie. there will always still be time. never forget that there will always still be more time."

[alexisomnias]

— I admire the stars from afar with closed eyes

i love my mutuals 🤍🦢 ( appreciation post )

. alphabetical order

aly @soleillunne

we dont talk all that much, but i see you on my dash and smile, like, every single time. im so nervous to talk to you and i dont even know why DJUSHSJ your just so cool and friendly and literally a superstar to me idk 💕 your sososososo awesome and i admire you a lot!

ceru @ceruleancattail

so awesome, literally such a star. your talent is out of this world, and the kindness in your heart is above all. your one of the most friendly people ive met, and your so so loved and admired, especially by me!! Seeing you on my dash is always such a highlight, and seeing your work is even better. Keep doing what you love because i know you can never truly fail 💕 your just too talented..!!!!!

faera @atsdlura

faera ☹️💕 i love you so much/p, your so light, and full of just love for so many others. your probably one of the most genuinely sweet people i know, and I adore your art. everything about you is sweet and so uplifting! whenever i talk to you I feel better and ready to finish the day! your genuinely sooo awesome and Im sososososo happy we met.

hana @haismie

one of the sunshines of my life. i can never truly put into words how much i actually care lmaoo, your my friend from before the platform, and I’ve seen you grow so much, in both terms of writing and drawing. your so utterly talented and the way you weave words leaves my heart burning! ughhh the boy you are!!! thank you for making my day, everytime you send me a message.

khoi @khoipyan

I MISS YOU BROTHER. everytime i see you pop up instantly my mood is lifted!! your very talented, and awesome, and amazing, and i love seeing you talk about your interests!! THINKING OF YOU 💕 take care

kei @keii-starz

oh kei, i always adore seeing you on my dash. you are so loved, and cared about 💕, im so happy i met you because our conversations always brighten me up. your so supportive and kind, and i just want to cover you in soft blankets as you deserve. thank you for always being so kind!

lei @trappolia

lei, the loml… your so fun and always such a highlight of my day… i love talking about everything ever with you, and dont forget about the birthday fic you wrote me?!?! hello?!?! still look at that consistently btw bcs of how sweet it is! your so talented and i adore your writing so much! your super awesome and im grateful ive got to know someone as bright as you.

millie @poppurini

millie you have to be one of my favorite people on the website tbh, we dont talk as often but literally your so fucking talented and i just want to hang everything you do up in a museum and explain it to passerby’s. your personality is so wonderful, and always cheers me up. your so cool, and fantastic as well, i can find no negatives at  all for knowing you! I appreciate you and your work a lot…!

mika @mikacynth

mika the sweet girl that you are omg. your not online as much anymore but every time you are I can just feel the positive vibes uplifting 💕 you mean so much to so many people are your very cared about i hope you know. your very talented and super intelligent. i appreciate you a lot!

misha @mishantics

MISHAAA i hope you know everytime i come across something you reposted on tiktok i scream your name in my head!!!!!! your such a talented artist and someone worthy of inspiration! I appreciate you so so much, and you deserve the best!

skylia @kaiserkisser

skylia oh what a flower you are. YOUR SO AMAZING AND KIND!!! your one of the people i’ve known for longest, and i appreciate you so much for all the kind words you throw at everyone. i love seeing you on my dash, and i appreciate you silently 💗 even if i dont message you a lot i hope you know i do see you

vi  @floraldresvi

. vi, to me your everything good in this world. your always there for me no matter how small or big and you always make me feel included, make me feel worth something. I admire you a lot, and i think your plenty awesome with everything you do, your totally lovable! im sooo grateful i met you, genuinely, you make so many of my days full! 💕

ying @xianyoon

YING YOUR SO COOL… your such a big sibling figure to me and I look up to you so so much, more then you could know. If your the sun, im a star taking in your light in the hopes i can shed that much love on others you do with your warmth. your so admirable and i want to be like you!

. . .

this has been a stressful tiring month for a lot of us, so just know your all cared about and loved 💕

if your a mutual and not on here, wait awaiting in your inbox

[turnin9pag3]

sigh.

i think im a james potter kinnie in the most shameful way possible because yes i relate to being social and having lots of friends but more than that i relate to feeling like you’re constantly doing either too much or not enough and people lose interest in me and i feel like shit because what did i fuck up but then i go and loose interest when i know its not that persons fault i just cant help myself but to hate everyone because i hate myself. and like james im too loud all the time so much so that when i finally decide to be quiet i have people shoving their concerns down my throat and i dont know how to appreciate it when all i want is to be left alone. lately ive been feeling like there something misplaced in me because all i want is to spend my last week of school with my friends and be happy and enjoy my time but all i can think about is i dont want to be here and i dont want to be touched and i dont want to see these people because these people keep talking and my head hurts and my eyes hurt and im feeling dizzy and none of this looks real anymore and im not sure what to do with myself anymore. and i would hate to hurt their feelings because its truly not their fault but like i said theres something wrong with me. i think im just a rotten soul and im fucked up in way unknown to most. as james would, i feel judged after everything i say and i feel ridiculed for every decision i make and i feel like they dont want to listen to me at all they just keep me around to have someone for themselves and a part of me knows thats not true but the larger part of me wont let me fully believe that. and i feel like james in the way i dont know how to do anything casually and i love with my entire soul but i hate with my entire soul too and when im in something im fully in. and its such a fault to have because i like people more than people like me all i just end up hurting myself because as much as i tell myself im not i think i still like that one guy from august and my miss my best friend when i cant call her that anymore and the girl ive known since 2nd grade is barley answering my texts and summer is coming i feel like everyone is going to forget about me and what if i forget about everyone and i dont want to be forgotten. and i feel like james because i feel overbearing when i ask to hang out with people and annoying. and i feel like im being made fun of every time i speak and i have to pretend that it doesnt bother me but it does. and im like james because all i want is someone to talk to and thatll listen to me but i know how hard it is to stay attentive when i talk because i talk so much about stuff no one cares about and i try to hide it but it hurts more than id like to admit because everyone cares about what they have to say and i sit and i listen but when i talk they leave the room or change the topic or turn up the music or outright tell me they dont care. joke or not it hurts. like james i spent most of my childhood being told im too loud or too intense or talk too much or too chaotic or too dramatic or talk too fast and like james i think no matter how much confidence i fein in my teen years ill never grow away from the 6 year old girl that everyone called a psycho because she had emotions too big that she didnt know how to deal with yet and they wernt her fault. it wasnt her fault she got her dads anger issues and tendencies to scream or her mothers ability to feel everything twice as strong as she should. and now im 15 and its still not my fault but ive suppressed it so far im not 100% sure how to feel that deeply anymore.

[chihirolovebot]

idk if it’s ever been talked abt before but i was suddenly gripped by physicist in the love hotel thoughts like. what would be their ideal??? what would go down???

the love hotel is actually an insane concept but now i can’t help but think about it with physicist (and physouma, of course)

phys in the love hotel .... i dont think ive talked abt it before ? at least not at length . probably bc the love hotel is Slightly Weird to me , even if u hc the characters as adults which i do, there's still like . shinguuji, shirogane and iruma's which are just certified dr freakishness all over.

HOWEVER i think ive said before im a big fan of some of them. i love ouma's for character reasons and bc when i played the game i was a much bigger saiouma shipper than i am now ( not that i dont ship them anymore they just dont take up as much space in my head + i prefer kiiruma lol ) . i loved amami's , kiibo's, harukawa's, and momota's too :3

PHYS THOUGH . ok lets think. lets ponder together. we r those monkeys holding hands and spinning rly fast in a circle. you mentioned with physouma BUT i wanna quickly explore what a canonverse phys kamasutra event would look like, which would be with saihara.

i think it would be one of the events that kinda . border on romantic ? but is never explicit. definitely one of the more wholesome ones that would maybe revolve around them bonding or opening up to each other and ends with some slight physical touch ( which is sort of a big thing for phys ) like them resting their head on saihara's shoulder or them cuddling up in bed together and falling asleep. i think that could be kinda cute :3 as for the 'ideal' saihara would play for phys i can imagine it being maybe a childhood friend or a classmate they've known for a while, so they dont have to do the building blocks of building intimacy or small talk . which makes them anxious.

OKAY PHYSOUMA TIME. claps hands. the 'ideal' ouma would be playing would probably look different, since it's implied a big part of phys's initial attraction to him is trying to solve what makes his brain tick. they're a lot like saihara in that sense , and i feel like their love hotel event would take a similar form to the saiouma event in the game, with ouma playing like a phantom thief and saihara as a detective . very classic. but phys doesn't suit the role of a detective , exactly...

ok angsty thought . it's been mentioned that phys has passed through a few orphanages and foster homes so what if ouma as their ideal was another kid there . one who was super mysterious at first but is implied through phys's dialogue to have gradually opened up, and is now at the point where they have a fully trusting relationship. like phys makes comments on 'i'm so glad you opened up to me eventually' and 'i feel like getting to know you was such a puzzle... but i'm glad i stuck with it in the end! because it was worth it, for you.' AHHGHGHH sticking my head into a drain and screaming so my agony is reverberated throughout the entire street. just . so much emphasis on how phys's ideal for ouma is one where he trusts them entirely and their relationship is based on open and equal communication.

i can also see phys confessing and that being like the central kind of .plot point for lack of a better word. like the whole thing is kinda building up to it and ouma's getting progressively more nervous as he realises what they're getting at. i think he would try to evade it at first , do his normal tricks, but it risks the dream ending because phys's ideal of ouma is one that Doesn't Do That. so he very uncertainly relents and allows them to express how they feel . and at this point he's all I've Made A Big Mistake because its gotten way too emotional and intimate and theyre looking at him for an answer and it feels so real .

would he confess back or let the dream end . i guess it depends on how far in the story we are . sickening as it is. in a non killing game au i think he would confess . i think far enough into the story he also would , knowing that he cant and wont in real life because of what he plans to do in chapter 5 . but who knows ! who knows.