#i dont know if itll stick honestly

[scereplop]

sonnet 60, William Shakespeare

Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore, So do our minutes hasten to their end; Each changing place with that which goes before, In sequent toil all forwards do contend. Nativity, once in the main of light, Crawls to maturity, wherewith being crown’d, Crooked eclipses ‘gainst his glory fight And time that gave, doth now his gift confound. Time doth transfix the flourish set on youth, And delves the parallels in beauty’s brow, Feeds on the rarities of nature’s truths And nothing stands but for his scythe to mow. And yet to time in hope, my verse shall stand Praising thy worth, despite his cruel hand.

One night around a week ago I stayed up till a little past 1 in the morning to memorise this sonnet. I always end up doing something along the lines of this, with some piece of work my brain won't let me stop thinking of, before a language exam of any sorts, and for some (strange, maybe) reason it works wonders each time. Maybe some of my teachers don't believe so, but what matters the most to me is how happy I am with my work. I know to an extent what I am capable of if I be honest with myself, and the way in which I often write my essays can be quite unconventional (and it gets me in trouble loads), so I don't take their words as gospel.

Of the few sonnets that Shakespeare wrote that I managed to read that night, this I would say is probably my favourite. I still have shy of a hundred left to go and my opinion is swayed easily so I don't believe it will remain so for long. But whilst it is, I'd like to relive the world I built around this sonnet during that exam, I'd like to write down what I created as something I can keep; something I can share. It is impossible to rewrite exactly what I had that day, given it has already been almost four days since, and my memory, though not half bad most definitely does not have the capacity to remember a story written in a flurry of ideas though it was I who wielded the pen. But it was I who wielded the pen, and it was I who saw the house the tale took place in, and it was I who lived it through in my mind. So then I am perfectly capable of rebuilding it, flaws and all, and so I will.

Maybe not now though, for there is much of it to speak of and it will take a long time to write it all out with the level of detail I require, and time I do not have at the moment. But I will, eventually. Thankfully stories are timeless and when I do have time for it (in a few days I assume), it will be done. For now I shall only name it, so I can keep this outline as organised as possible with the aid of a tag, but nice names are difficult to come up with. How do I name the road down which a house sat, a house beside the seashore with innards familiar to me, which housed people with familiar faces but not behaviour? I do not truly know this place yet though it feels like I do. I know it, somewhere within me.

I shall give it a codename instead, until I can truly decide. I do know that in my original essay, as I had written it as if I had tried to bring the sonnet to life, I described that road and that house and that seashore as a place 'where time stayed his scythe', and so that it shall remain.

[arolesbianism]

I've been chipping at a new oni save recently and I have to say I have gotten way less ambitious with my teleporter planet over my past few saves. In a lot of my earlier saves Id dive right in there, but nowadays I find myself ignoring the teleporter for a good while before dipping in to set up some basic utilities there before leaving again and continuing to stall lol

[waddleonmywaywardducks]

How to get back into your practice after a burnout

Alot of times in our practices, we often just straight up forget. Not going to lie to you I didn't practice much until I got out of my mom's home...which was one year ago. And I also have a theory that since paganism isnt dogmatic and is meant to be ran by a community we fall out really easy, it's natural, paganism is different now. But anyways here is chaos's master guide on how to put on your big girl panties and get back the work.

(disclaimer: just because these things worked for me doesn't mean it's going to work for everyone else, this post is completely upg. I'm just offering advice.)

Starting out small

What never stuck to me is those post that are like: "stir your intentions into your coffee, light incense, pray" because like yeah thats a good way to start off I really dont think itll set in our brains to do this everyday. Instead what I recommend is finding days to practice and sticking to that day. Find a day where you useally do nothing and dedicate it to getting back into your practice.

You could use this day to research on all the things you forgotten (been there)

Or you could just leave offerings out for your deities and call it a day

I think if you uphold a certain schedule your mind will get into the habit of "oh today's witch day, time to do witchcraft" this is basic psychology, and I promise it works 😭😭

Deity work and getting back into it

Little reminder: your gods are not mad at you. They do not hate you. They love you.

I have had so many falling outs with deities because I just couldn't uphold a schedule. Hekate being one of them. Hekate really showed me the way once I moved out of my mother's house, and after so many ins and outs of my worship to her, she still showed me love and compassion. I promise your gods will do the same. They understand our mortal lives more then you comprehend. After all, this is their earth.

Stuff you can do to get back into worship with your deities:

- offerings, big or small

- dedicate days to them, in my schedule Hekate is worshipped on Monday, and Aphrodite on Friday.

- research ways to connect with them more

- don't make big promises that you will get back into your practice and never fall out again, thats just putting yourself in more responsibility, your gods will now expect that responsibility. I've done this before and I definitely got side eyed by Hekate 😭😭

I recommend reading over these lovely post by @/khaire-traveler

Subtle deity worship

I honestly used this alot to get back into worship with my deities 😭😭 these posts go into worship you could do for deities while you are either hiding your practice or just want to do something for your gods. Really helpful post 10/10.

Getting back into witchcraft

I know I kind of went over this already, but I feel like there needs to be some small steps to getting back into witchcraft before we get to rituals, spells and stuff of that sort.

To get back into witchcraft, I recommend meditating, either by yourself or with your deities. Meditation allows you to just focus on the present and let go of all your stresses. I like to meditate with my deities because I get visions from them easily this way, it's easier for me to communicate.

From there you can do research on the basics of witchcraft and work your way up to rituals and spell work... hopefully all of this makes sense

Anyways yeah that's all the advice I have to getting back into your practice, if I have anything else to add I'll reblog this and add more. But yeah! I really hopes this helps at least someone lol.

[l3viat8an]

diavolo: 7’9 big big boy, but what were u expectimg from the demon prince ?? were u wxpecting him to be tiny ?? towwrs over EVERYONE n is pretty threatening even whne hes actively not to be, even more so in demon form when hes closer to being 7’11-8’1 excluding his horns, n 8’4-8’5 including horns

beel: 7’8 another big boy, again what were u expecting from this brick wall of a man ?? gentle giant when it come to his loved ones but is v scary when it comes to everyone else, is closer to 7’10 in demon form excluding his horns, 7’11 including horns

barbatos: 7’4, big big prince calls for a tall tall butler, is v Aware of his height whenever hes w luke due to to how yiny the young angel is compared to barbatos, he tries not to crush luke under his shoe next je bakes w him (sorry snout ur toes luke </3), 7’6 in demon form excluding his horns, 7’10 including horns

asmo: 7’4 we all know hes a twunk (essentially just in between twink n hunk; too muscular to be a twink but still too slim to be a hunk) so ofc hes gitta have the height to compliment that, u know asmo uses his height to his advantage, in what way ? idk, but hes definitelyusing it to his advantage, is closer to 7’6-7’8 in demon form

lucifer: 7’0, it definitely hurts his pride that his three youngest brothers are taller than him but he’ll get over it eventually, but hey ! at least hes taller than the other 4 (which is all he git at this point LMAO), 7’2-7’4 in demon form excluding his horns, 7’6 including horns

levi: 6’10, also pretty chubby n only uses his height n heaviness to be annoying towards mammon when mammon refuses to pay him back, nost dont jnwo how tall he is cause hes always slouching tho, 7’0-7’2 in demon form excluding his horns, 7’4/7’5 including horns

satan: 6’10, tall tall boy, unlike levi, satan has the perfect posture so everyone knows that hes tall, hes only using used to using his height to threatening ppl during angey rampages tho so he might get flustered if hes w someone whos sexually into bigger/taller partners, 7’0-7’2 in demon form excluding his horns, 7’4/7’5 including horns

mammon: 6’8 is definitely ghe shortest person in his family 🤧, he absolutely HATES it n wahtever ego he has left is forver gone due to the fact that his own baby broghers are taller than him, 6’10-7’0 in demon form excluding his horns, 7’2 including horns

simeon: 6’6, is pretty short when it comes to angels tbh, w angels usually averaging 7’8 or taller, so poor simeon got the short end of stixk 🤧, is closer to 6’8-6’10 in angel form

solomon: 5’6, slightly shoeter than averahe height, definitely not the tallest in the room but itll help him get stuff off the shelves or out of the cabinets

luke: 5’0, tiny tiny child, looks absolutely bitesized when it comes to the demons, especially when it comes to beel or diavolo or barbatos, prau for him that a demon doesnt mistake him for a tiny snack 😖

~ t4t anon

I feel very, very short all of the sudden-

Size kink going wild tho~

And I really love the idea that they’re taller in their demon forms!! I never really thought about that before but it makes so much sense honestly!!!

The only silly thing I want to add is Solomon give off ‘5’ 9” and says he’s 6’’ vibes to me and I will forever stick with that lmao

[spidermanifested]

Greed or Bido for the give me character thing so you can ramble for 3 hours straight grins

okay well i uave to do both of them now. you understand this.

GREED

how i feel about this character:

he is the perfect man. i want to lick him. no further comment

all the people i ship romantically with this character:

BIDO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you know this. bido is such important representation as the first ever Fridged-For-A-Guys-Character-Development Barely-On-Screen Love Interest to be a middle aged bald man. every day i lose my marbles about how im cursed to carry this torch all by myself. four foot something homeless guy says fuck it ill do anything to save this person magnitudes stronger than myself, after ive already lost everything we built together. ill follow him into hell for the faintest chance of saving him. because hes my friend. and then he dies in his arms. abd a flashback of him looking lovingly into his eyes is the last straw to make greed accept friendship into his life again. royai WHO

i went into greed/scar in my scar post so im not typing all that out again but its also so good. extremely potent character development to be had. somebody validate me here im right

my goofy one is greed/madame christmas "married for tax benefits and also every couple years they meet up and have crazy sex" style. only a little bit because i thought about greed getting to say i fucked your mom shitlips to roy mustang.

is there ajybody else. im thinking. Uhhhhh. honestly i dont think so dvdggxf im too committed to the ones ive got and i have to put all my energy into those because NOBODY ELSE IS DOING IT!!! whole fma fandom spinning a roulette wheel to find a new random man they think is hot to ship him with every so often. when they could instead be sipping from my font of boundless wisdom.

my non-romantic otp for this character

the devils nest gang will never die. in our hearts and souls. also i need him and mei to be friends IMMEDIATELY

i DO appreciate the friendship between him and ling, but im not as nuts about it as a lot of people (i say with fondness). they can do bros attacks it is true. but they also knew each other less than a year, and sometimes it feels like people tend to. overstate i guess? the impact of ling and ed vs the whole, One Hundred Years Of Living In Human Society thing. i promise a couple of 15 year olds did not give him all that character development okay he was already basically there he just got set back a LOT because of the-- see now youve really got me rambling for 3 straight hours this wasnt even what the question was about

my unpopular opinion about this character:

wow i could have literally just waited one question to say all that. now i have to find a new one

uhhh "hes openly 200 years old and solidly established as an adult man from his very first appearance and the fact that his soul later gets a timeshare in a 15 year olds body does not change that fact and its alarming to stick your fingers in your ears and pretend that it does". is that unpopular. bbecause sometimes im so scared it is

one thing i wish had happened with this character

@catenation

okay now BIDO

how i feel about this character

would that i could simply transmit my feelings through a less uncertain interface than words. words alone cannot do them justice. look at my blog i guess

all the people i ship romantically with this character

greed and scar ive gone into already so now we can get into the even nicher stuff. Awesome

not quite romantic but i tjink he and ulchi had a fwb thing going on. bidos into hunks with sharp teeth we already know this

hmm i think theres a lot of guys in the series hed be INTO/would be into him to some degree or another, but i dont know if itd be romantic per se? like. theres only so romantic you can get with barry the chopper even if it would be really funny. "please please please let me chop up your tail it looks so juicy. itll grow back anyway right. ive never asked before"

also for catenation i thought itd be really funny to make him and greed and yoki into an extremely lopsided love triangle, where yoki develops a weird crush on bido which manifests in very odd ways that bido cant make heads or tails of and doesnt really care to because he doesnt like him at all. does that count.

i also have. a handful of crossover ships, which grew out of roleplays with friends. bidos boytoy and boytoy-adjacent collection includes

psycho mantis from your playstation

the bad guy in the harley quinn movie but not that version of him

KING MORGOTT, LAST OF ALL KINGS

and yes. they do smoke weed.

my non-romantic otp for this character

once again the devils nest gang at large has me in a vice. i care about greed and bidos friendship as well as the romantic aspect but the fact that bido doesnt really interact with any of the gang aside from greed SUCKS and i wish we could have seen some of that

however we do at least get a flashback of bido Standing Next to blondie and one of the bouncers. which in true "desperate enjoyer of a very minor character" fashion ive extrapolated into him having been good friends with that bouncer, because from what little pagetime he gets he seems levelheaded enough to win bidos trust. at a baseline i think bido would be wary around most humans and especially just after escaping, so knowing one reliably-decent human would have probably helped a lot with readjusting to the outside. & then i think out of the chimeras he was probably on the best terms with martel and ulchi, both from Reptile Solidarity and those two being more outgoing and upbeat than average

i ALSO WISH he got to meet mei because i think theyre really similar in a lot of ways. he would relate very heavily to being small and disregarded and saddled with the responsibility of helping so many people survive by whatever means necessary. they also both love yelling indignantly at rude people which is awesome. i think theyd yell at each other like that Once and then shake hands out of respect

my unpopular opinion about this character

all my opinions about him are unpopular babey Nobody is tjinking about him as much as me!!! he is important and memorable for one. and he is so brave and he loves his friends so much. he deserves as much focus as the rest of the gang if not more. he is the gayest fma character. and his face is HANDSOME he looks like an awesome muppet and if you cant handle that then get your ass off sesame street........

one thing i wish had happened with this character:

the chaptwr after greed gets introduced should have been just 43 solid pages of bido and greed making out rapturously, with the rest of the gang doing various tasks in the background. for flavor

[wildernezz]

Metal Lords: movie review

summary of plot (no spoilers): a dorky awkward kid named Kevin is friends with this wannabe metalhead named Hunter. they're starting a band together but because of their flaws, their progress fumbles a bit. however, after finding out about their schools Battle of the Bands, they start working to prepare for the contest. as they improve their skills, they also improve their social lives and their own personalities

general thoughts: I GENUINELY LOVED THIS MOVIE SM????? god if youre into movies about a buncha flawed misfit friends then this is definitely a movie i'd recommend. the first few bits are a little awkward because you can kinda feel that the actors are still getting into their roles, but sticking it to the end is ABSOLUTELY worth it. all of the characters were so lovable and it genuinely filled that "i wanna see a movie about people just being people" hole in my heart. i still have no idea how to describe those kind of movies, but i feel like if yknow then youll know.

movies "Metal Lords" reminds me of: Theater Camp, I Used To Be Famous, School of Rock, Love Simon

SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT WEEWOOWEEWOO:

in depth but also scattered thoughts bc i cant organize for shit:

I LOVE THE SILLIES SM???? THEYRE ALL MY FAVORITE SILLIES???????? LITERALLY THE ONLY CHARACTER I HATED WAS SKIP (HUNTER'S BULLY), EVERYONE ELSE WAS SO SILLY????? ofc theyre all flawed and there were parts in the movie (especially with hunter) that made me disappointed to see, but the character progression was so satisfying and i loved seeing them all grow. it was genuinely so silly to me i love them all sm

EMILY AND KEVIN WERE SO CUTE TOGETHER???? AND I HONESTLY LOVED EMILY SM??????? JUST IN GENERAL??? LOVED KEVIN TOO BUT MAN I THINK EMILY IS MY FAVORITE. i loved all of her moments sm???? she has a lotta flaws but theyre honestly all reasonable and understandable to me so i kinda just forgive her for them anyways. i also just really love how sweet kevin is to her. like ofc he's not a perfect boyfriend and makes some slipups, but he genuinely really cares about her and i think it's so cute to watch.

more about me loving emily: I LOVED THE FACT THAT SHE DIDNT FORGIVE HUNTER RIGHT AWAY. LIKE IT WOULDVE BEEN COOL TO SEE, BUT THE PAYOFF AT THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS WAS EVEN BETTER. SPEAKING OF WHICH, SHE WAS SOOOOO FUCKING COOLIN THAT SCENE??????? SHE WAS COOL AS FUCK BEFORE THAT (u cannot tell me her cello playing wasnt the most badass thing out there) AND THEN THEFUCKING CCONNNCERRTTT??? IM CRYING I LOVE HER SOMUCCHHCH

i also really loved hunter. like there was a lotta scenes where i wanted somebody to punch him in the face, but he was honestly still lovable even throughout those scenes and he started improving a lot near the end, which was really nice to see. he obviously wasn't completely redeemable since there were still a lot of things he could've done better, but i feel like the fact that he didn't completely become perfect is what made me love his character a lot more. it felt really real to me. he isn't perfect, but he genuinely wants to make up for the shit he's pulled and he's absolutely trying to show it, and isn't that what living's all about anyways? either way, we love hunter in this household <3333

KEVIN'S TIME TO SHINE: that was a lie, i dont have much to say on kevin LMFAO. i absolutely loved seeing him on screen and i just love Jaeden Martell in general, but despite that, there's not really a lot for me to say about him. i just think he's neat. that's enough for me <3333 (emily shouldve been my girlfriend tho smh how dare he /j)

ALSO FUCKING CLAY???? HES SUCH A SILLY GUY. PROBABLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE BACKGROUND CHARACTERS FOR MOVIES IN GENERAL???? HES SUCH A SWEET LITTLE GUY AND I LOVED SEEING HIM SM. KINDA WISH I SAW MORE OF HIM BC OF IT. EITHER WAY, WE LOVE CLAY IN THIS HOUSEHOLD AS WELL <333333

i think thats all i have to say for this movie. either way, PLEAASEE check it out. i swear itll be worth it because the characters honestly all so adorable and so silly goofy goober. we love the silly metal lords here <33333

[savetheghost]

job ramble

yknow my job is like

tricking viewers into believing the things i make defy gravity

like

mounting stuff in picture frames

god i love my job its weird as fuck

maybe my coworkers suck somtimes and it doesnt pay as good as it really honestly should and if it did pay just a living wage id never ever ever think about getting a new job

but holy fuck its weird as shit

just like the absolute insanity of the range of stuff i handle on a daily basis

like legit

stuff i handle can be old as balls

like i am intimately acquainted with how paper ages man and im in charge of making sure it doesnt age as badly as it would unhandled

i get 100 year old newpapers and all those wnat to do is actually turn into dust in your hands

i know how different adhesives and tape will decay over the course of a century

my job is an existential crisis like twice a week and i LOVE it i fucming LOVE my JOB what the FUCK look how BEAUTIFUL THIS SHIT IS their HANDWRITING

every time theres a note left on the backing paper i cut it out and make sure it stays with the art and like with that one ill leave a note saying when and where it got reframed

my initials are all over the goddamn place and with this shit its REALLY likely that itll stick around for a long while

like sometimes i open a piece up and rhe framer befoee me went and left their little note too

god i love my job i love it i recommend it if you can go work in a frame shop just fucking do it

i got to frame a nekkid alucard in the most ostentatious gogantic gothic frame ever and thats how i pay for food

thats my fucking JOB

like legit go work in framing

were dying out

its so hard to find people to do this job cause people dont know its a job in the first place and you get to learn such weird shit about people and the stuff they think is important and i get to frame kids art and beautiful oil paintings and family photos and peoples college degrees and jesus fucking christ i love my stupid fucking job look at THIS

like what the FUCK am i LOOKING AT sometimes

WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE SWINGIN SCHOOLGIRLS DOING IN ‘57

[raidenloml]

3 from the askgane dor whichever characters u want >:]

ack!!!! ok so!!!

3. weapon of choice? any particular reason they chose their weapon?

(this is a perfect question as ive been playing more splatoon 3 recently so i actually have a feel for the weapons i want my characters to use hihi + ill just list all of the ones i currently have chosen weapons for!)

turns out, this post grew way longer than i thought it would so uh woe read more be upon you

Arsenic:

Definitely Splatana Wiper as main and (Luna) Blaster as secondary, he has a quick and agressive playstyle so these are the weapons he usually goes for (also his aim is absolute dog with chargers and splatlings are a little bulky and slow for him, he can use shooters when needed but he doesnt find them interesting to play)

Link:

Probably sticks with a vanilla Splat Charger, likes to play support/backline but still pressures the opposite team quite a bit whilst staying out of fire himself. Other than his proficiency with his main weapon he probably has some practice in with other weapon classes as well. (This is because he works for Ammo Knights hihi)

I'd imagine him being kind of well known for his absolutely bonkers k/d ratio because of his high awareness playstyle but he would definitely have the dumbest deaths in practice :')

Zel:

Zel is a HUGE fan of heavy weaponry like this woman is absolutely insane about them and practices every single one she can get her hands on but her main weapon of choice in battle would probably be a Dynamo Roller or a Nautilus when she's feeling extra silly... as for why its mainly because it helps her stay physically strong and uhhh lifting super heavy weapon in practice means she doesnt have to go to the gym often

A4:

Definitely shooter class weapons, probably sticks to something like an N-Zap, Splash-o-Matic, Splattershot and Splattershot Pro but is quite handy with a Squiffer when needed. I imagine at some point A4 and Link would switch roles just before a match to confuse the opponent (very silly behaviour)

BONUS!!!!!!!! These are characters which i havent really thought of in a competitive sense or havent developed yet

itll be very messy going forward mainly because i want to yap so hard about these little inkfish thumbs up

Fern:

Fern doesn't really play that much but would probably prefer Dualies, not sure which but she'd probably switch it up sometimes

Violet:

Brella 100% (i dont know how to explain it i just feel it in my bones) her Brella would probably be decorated to the max literally her pride and joy (also known as her favourite fashion accessory as she's too busy with her job to actually use it in battle :( boowomp)

Amber: (<- Arsenic's younger sister!!!)

Brella/Bucket, i haven't really thought of her in battle but she'd probably just mess around a ton lol

Ise Rotag:

Ise was originally the character that was Link's like future partner??? their story was really nice but he got replaced by Arsenic after i abandoned the two for a few months and decided to revive Link again (you will see Ise more btw i fucking love his design and cuntyness) FOR THE WEAPON! Probably an Inkbrush honestly this guy loves to be annoying and sneak up on backliners when they least expect it, plays very aggressively as well... also his name has a really funny origin and if youre able to guess it ill uhh idk good job

I have 3 other characters but they all dont have names so uhm yeah ill just go quickly through these

oc based on coroika, inkling, probably something backline, dont imagine them in battle often

waiter, octoling, grim blaster (or so me from 2 years ago wrote down)

shut-in, inkling, new squiffer (again according to notes left to their design drawings)

2&3 were together and 1 was a sona for shits and giggles but uh theyll come back someday!! i promise!!! like their designs and relationship dynamics too much!!! they might even be Ise's new teammates!!!

[videostak]

OK now i know why ppl dont drive stick... soooo fkn scary today for realll. i mean idk its just hoorrifying . i wanna learn and like nothings changed i just need to practice more but driving to the mall today was soo scary honestly tho the most horrifying thing was me having trouble getting my rear view mirros right LOL like i was scared for my life when i noticed i pulled to the side and went in a parking lot to fix them to the best of my ability. i think its good now but even aside from that eveyrhint is so scary ._. also was at the mall for like 3 hrs cause the ppl i was sellign the stuff to were like “honestly the longest itll take us to look thru your stuff will be like at most an hour we’ll text u when we’re done” then like 2 hrs went by and i asked them and they were like “ohhh yaa we totally forgot abt yours uhhh we’ll do it rn” -_- so i was rly there for a long time and ran out of things to do and was sleepy n shit. im so sleepy rn but have to pick up my sister in a hour or so T-T either way i learned i dont think im quite ready to go thru big streets yet n stufff i still need lots of practice was def like the fight for my life there anyways literally jam packed exhausting day today just got home and only get like an hour of relaxing before having to drive again! soooo sleepy i mean i think i could do it soon i just have to rly practice and not get nervous n stuff the fact they had me standing there for three hours rly made me tired and made the drive home real nerve wracking. deff lots of practice  i need to do n stuff but like all things considered i did well. looked it up and u can go from neutral to 2nd if the car hasnt slowed down enough to be in first so thats neat to kno hopefully thatll save me lol. like thats what i was messing up w/ but like idk i did it and survived! lol. i think only 1 guy honked at me when the car rocked a bit but i think he just did that cause he was like wtf dude lol. or cause i didnt shift into 2nd quick enough so he wanted me to go faster. tho like yaaa also greaet finds today for average prices at book off got get yer ya yas out on CD :D and singular adventures of style council fuuuuck yea. they werent there last time i went so they mustve just been put out and both great things i really have been looking for literally just listened to ya yas on yt the other day ive rly been in a stones mick taylor mood lately

[nightfallsystem]

hey, i hope you’re okay. you don’t have to answer this i just wanted to say take care of yourself please. i know we don’t know each other irl and we live really far apart but i care about you and i hope you’re okay. i hope things get better for you. sorry if that’s weird. this probably sounds stupid and i know it’s not that easy to just fix everything and act like it’s perfect and that’s not what I’m saying I’m just trying to say. theres a lot of good in the world even when it seems like the bad is overwhelming. please stick around to see more of the good.

thank u sm i mean im trying my best and the nice messages help. im just worried. especially since christmas is coming up so that means family comes over and that means more stress and more deadnamed and misgendered and honestly not sure how ill be for that or if ill live thru it all or if itll finally push me or if itll cause a s/h accident ughhh

im not too sure what to even live for anymore . i gave up on most of my hopes and dreams cuz i dont see a good future for someone like me but suicide is too hard so whatever. i get no choice but to live even if this life and world is so so unfair and i constantly get deadnamed and misgendered but . ack. but maybe theres good somewhere even though everyone disrespects me

thank you though im a bit better now though. at least im not bleeding. just tired now..

[whorewithagodcomplex]

sweetheart,

i love ya, but I'm not doing that for the rest of my life, no sir,

everyone knows not to marry into that, and its kinda common sense not to date someone with your type of addiction and just walk away, like we all know its never gonna work if youre constantly making your partner feel like shit because youre always lusting of the things you so desperately want, and yeah you may say that 'your're better, real, youre my love theyre just pictures, theyre just videos, ect) but we all know you wish it was them you could have when your gazing longingly and thirstly at those pictures, you create relationships with all these women, i just happen to be in person version added to the collection, its nasty, and its horrible knowing this will likely never change, cause its 'not that bad' its 'a comfort thing' 'i was alone for so long' and i have to live feeling like im always competing with them, i cant escape them, im so fucking tired of being paranoid that the person i love is going to always be looking at something more appealing, its awful, that constant pit in your stomach everytime hes lookin at a female character a little too closely, or when the girls are everywhere for him, camera roll, most social media, even his wallpapers on all devices, sure theres a photo of you two, sure as a homescreen but its really just a sunset photo and we're hidden in a low corner hidden by apps, and the never paying that close attention to you, you learn as much as you can about him listen to every word he says but doesnt care to know about you, with the exception of major plot points he knows nothing about what you like and why you like it, its either you rarely get a chance to speak, or youre perpetually cut off, or just simply ignored when speaking about yourself, but, he knows everything they say, knows every little detail, their backstories are phenominal and look how hot they are, he wont really say that to you anymore youve shown you dislike, but you know, you always know, so you try your best to be pretty and good enough to be wanted like he wants them, but you never get wanted like that, to be fair you never did, this was the first time someone is showing they love you and want you, but of course if i wasnt wantable before him what makes me wantable now? yknow all his needs are met by them and his ablilty to do so much with them that he feels no need to pay any mind to you beyond the physical and guidance, yeah he loves you, you know that hes shown that, but is it worth the mental and emotional exhaustion it takes to fight for a normal relationship? one where we both feel happy? i know theres no way he isnt miserable too, the contant bickering the anxiety of fucking up, but c'mon man, if you cope properly, like by speaking (without lashing out) to someone when things are too much, not falling further into an obsessive chemical pick-me-up addiction and honestly this sex obsession, youd do so much better, but you wont because its one of them hidden addictions that no one but your friends and people youre close to know about, by your choice, and you think that means its totally fine, because I'll stick around regardless right? cause i have this long and im making life plans with you and i love you more than youll ever know and as long as i dont see it' or notice it its fine, it wont kill me, youll keep going until im about to cut my losses and you promise and youll try you really will, but itll creep back and we'll be back at square one, or youll get better at hiding it from me, youre already pretty good at it now, ill bet money that if i got 3 hours and all your passwords id find cia sized files everywhere and id puke and cry myself to sleep for months, and i know youll only get better at it, and i dont want to be paranoid that your girls are still around my whole life, what kind of example am i setting for my daughters if i just let myself live like that, god id kill my son-in-law if he made her feel like that, honestly id kill him for most of the things youve done, so why am i letting it happen to me???

[pinkseas]

Hi its me again, mind if I share an idea I had for xiaolumi?

Basically yes Lumine can purify Xiao's karmic debt but she can't take all of it away. What she can do is take away the most dangerous parts of it. Her abilities destroy the pieces of the dead gods wrath stuck to him that could kill him, but she can't remove things that aren't from a gods power such as his sores and chronic pain, things that for him are just there

Xiao's debt is something he can't really every get rid of no matter what and even with purification the pain is still there, but it can be worked on with the right support system that he has been pushing away for so long. If he finally takes some help it won't hurt him the same way it killed his siblings. And with Lumine even if she is nations away she can help him every little bit and he is nothing but grateful for her

Really really sorry if this comes off mean I just wanted to share a perspective. You don't need to answer if your weirded out or anything. I just kinda see Xiao's karmic debt as a possible metaphor for chronic illness and trauma sorry again

you can absolutely always share !! ANYTHING pertaining to xiaolumi my eyes and ears are wide open at all times im so srs

and BASED AS HELL!!!!!!!! no bc like. for as long as xiao is killing the demons in liyue the debt is going to remain even if in the smallest degree, and even if it were wholly cleansed or anything of the sort there's still the fact that he's lived with it for centuries and both his body and mind have long since adjusted. he's absolutely going to have so many defenses against it that hes not even aware of, physical and mental, i can 100% see him with honestly any sort of chronic pain whether brought about by the karma and now sticking or whether its been there for as long as he knows. lumine can ever so slowly get rid of the debt that accumulates and that would one day kill him but the effects of it are probably something that never truly leave, and that that support system like you said would help SO so much with.

you dont have to be sorry at all, and it didnt come off as mean or anything of the sort in the slightest !! i havent like properly fully considered it before but i absolutely understand where youre coming from and theres a HUGE possible metaphor/symbolism thing there. something incredibly painful that can never be fully rid of or cured that xiao has long since learned how to live with? and there are definitely further elements with it having killed the other yakshas and the slow accumulation and him accepting that itll kill him someday too where you could compare the way it is in canon to either chronic pain/illness or terminal illness. god. explodes. but esp with the way i personally characterize xiao and the way i view his relationship with lumine and the effect it has on his karma it coming hand in hand with chronic pain makes sm sense like it slots so neatly in with the rest of his character, and then THAT gives so much room to explore support systems and coping mechanisms and.... man. Man. explodes again

[icarusredwings]

Certified long ahh post. Love it. I can see if many dont though. While its not everyone's tea it certainly is mine.

Hatches a plan is such a good phrase.

Oh no the big scary L word

Poor wade.

Love that were all accepting the idea that Wade's cancer makes him not be able to eat regualrly

Logan: *has memory issues*

Logan: Imma use my gold fish memory to remember things about my boyfriend >:) mwahahaah

'Prove that he wanted people to know that wade was his. That he wasn't ashamed.' OH- ❤️❤️❤️❤️‍🩹

He is quite a sneaky boy isn't he? Something about "very well done" leads on that wade has already picked up on his plan and is trying to resist the fact that his man is not only very smart. Very clever. Very demure.

OW ❤️❤️❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

OW AGAIN ❤️❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

GASP The L word!! 🤯😱

Having Logan cry in relief when seeing his face again is utterly perfect. Gold star. ⭐️

This last paragraph was brilliant and was very well written, I see the concept and charater wise Wade is very much likely to shut down when things become offical because its not just casual anymore. 4 months definitely is a long time for this so I give props to logan, I wouldnt be able to handle it personally because of adhd rejection sensitivity. I would immediately assume you arnt intrested anymore, but I see where wade suddenly cant lie to himself anymore, things are serious so he hides thinking itll make Logan stay but Logan already decided to stay.

Thats the thing with him he's a very "alright thats settled" kind of guy. If Logan tells you you're dating, he done made up his mind that hes not leaving. He's honestly the type to go straight to engagment. There isnt really a dating stage if were being honest. He'll be awkward when you first start talking and flirting etc but once hes comfortable? He probably already made up his mind to stick around.

Just look how long he followed around Charles. Its not often hes comfortable so when he is he makes sure to stick it out.

The speeches feel a little pushed and slightly hallmarky but overall 9.5/10 would have loved to witnessed Wade's internal thoughts from each step to see when he picks it up and how exactly the cogs are turning.

For @joykai

After they get together, Wade is instantly pulling away from physical contact. He is wearing the mask more, wearing long sleeved shirts and huge hoodies- even if it's the summer- and the whole thing really confuses the shit out of Logan.

It wasn’t like they had no physical contact before. Wade would wrap an arm around his shoulder when they had finished a mission, he would lean on him while they watched TV. They would end up holding hands while walking the dog and cuddled up to each other half asleep on the couch. Logan thought that when they officially started dating, it would be even worse. Not worse- but more. Honestly, he liked the gentle touches. Logan hadn't had that in so long, hadn't had someone touch him that softly or kindly with no fear on their face, that if felt special. Made him feel good and safe and cared for.

Then, all of a sudden, it stopped. They started dating, and not even two days later, it stopped. No more leaning, no more holding hands or cuddling, nothing. And then the mask started being put on more- even when they had no mission- then it was long sleeved shirts and hoodies. Quickly, Logan became all too familiar in seeing Wade head to toe covered up, even in the dead of summer.

Logan didn't bring it up for a few weeks- thought that maybe Wade just needed some time to adjust- but then a month had passed and they barely touched. He just wanted to hold hands while they walked Mary Puppins again. To feel Wade's head on his shoulder as they watched TV. To wrap his arms around Wade as they slept. To kiss him on the cheek for the first time. That was it.

Logan had his suspicions. It wasn't hard to put the dots together. And so he tried to bring it up. He tried to broach the subject casually, sitting at the table eating breakfast while sat opposite Wade.

"Ya not hot in that big hoodie there?" He asked, hoping that maybe just starting with the hoodie would be a good idea. Would be simpler. "What you on about? It's not even that hot." Wade had lied through his teeth. It was boiling in this apartment- the hottest week of the year- and the air con had broken a good few days ago now. He could see and smell the sweat on him. "Don't lie- Wade- just take the damn hoodie off." But he doesnt- he just makes some joke about how hot Logan is instead while finishing the last of his cereal, then heading over to the couch and pressing play on whatever he had paused.

And it hurts. He wants Wade to trust him with this. To let him help. He wouldn't date Wade if he didn't think he was attractive- both inside and out. Maybe he hasn't been has obvious about that as he should have. Maybe Wade is just feeling insecure. Whatever it is, Logan is going to help.

So he hatches a plan. He sits down one morning while Wade is still asleep, and writes down a list of everything he is going to do to help, and to prove he really does like everything about Wade (he isn't ready to say the big scary 'L' word yet). A plan that would respect Wade's boundaries while still breaking down that barrier that had been built.

Step 1) Start giving Wade his favourite snacks.

This would probably seem stupid to anyone else, but Logan knew Wade. He knew that he only had a few foods and snacks that didn't make him feel nauseous or sick (thanks to the good old cancer he had), so buying snacks for Wade that he knew he could actually stomach seemed like a nice but simple gesture to start with. Make Wade aware that Logan payed attention and remembered these things. He needed to work up to bigger stuff later. Make sure Wade didn't freak out or notice what he was doing.

And that's what he did. He bought Wade a few packs of his favourite chips (or crisps (the writer is british deal with it)) and gave them to him when they were sat on the couch one day. A spontaneous gift. Wade seemed more excited that Logan had remembered what kind and flavour they were than about the actual chips themselves, which was fine with Logan. Completely fine. Seeing Wade so happy at a simple gesture was both joy inducing and kind of sad. Had no one else ever remembered his sensitive stomach? Remembered that he had cancer? Whatever. It didn't really matter, because Logan was going to remeber every little detail he could.

Step 2) was a little harder. It involved a little more thought and care, and a little more risk.

Step 2) was to Get Wade a hoodie that smelt like Logan.

Again, something that seemed normal in any relationship, but he wasn't sure how Wade would react. He hoped that because it was a hoodie, and because Wade was currently wearing a lot of hoodies (the same 2 in rotation), it would be a well appreciated gift. He didn't know if Wade would want to change out of the 2 hoodies he was already comfortable in- he wanted to try though. Plus, having something of his boyfriends would be a good gift. Prove that he wanted people to know Wade was his. That he wasn't ashamed. And maybe he just wanted Wade in his clothes. So he headed to the store.

He got one in the same red as his suit, made sure that it was thin enough to not make Wade actually melt in the heat but thick enough to keep him warm in the cold (if he was still like this when it became cold again, he wanted to make sure he wasn't going to freeze), and proceeded to wear the hoodie around for the next few days. Logan made sure Wade was either out or not watching when he wore it, wanting it to be a surprise.

And eventually, a week later when he deemed it good enough, Logan left it out for Wade with his clothes for after he showered. Wade comes out with the new red hoodie on, and Logan can't help but smile at the other.

This is where Step 3) comes in. Step 3) Compliment Wade as much as possible.

"You look real good in that hoodie." He said, stepping closer to the other. Wade laughs a little, sounding slightly embarrassed, and just shrugs a little. The hoodie is massive on him- Logan's huge muscular build is far bigger than Wade's waisting away skinny body- and it looks like Wade enjoys that, because he is wrapping himself up in it like a blanket. "Smells like you. You're a sneaky guy, aren't you Peanut? Plus, it matches the mask. Very well done." Wade responds with an obvious smirk under said mask. "So you like it? Because you are very, very handsome right now. Also cute." Logan mutters, matching that smirk.

And okay, Wade directs the conversation somewhere else then, but he hasn't taken the hoodie off in a week and Logan takes that as a good sign. He also never combats his compliments. He never responds, but he never directly disagrees, which seems like a second good sign.

Next step it is then. Step 4) Start using pet names.

It's not that he doesn't already, it's just that he doesn't really use the normal relationship pet names. Bub and Mouth is about all he has for Wade right now, and he wants to expand on that. Logan likes using pet names for people he dates- people he likes (loves) in a romantic way- he just hasn't really used any yet. And he wants to change that.

"You want jelly (jam (again, british writer, deal with it)) on your toast sweetheart?" "Baby, do you think Mary needs a new bed? She's chewed half the corner of this one." "Honestly princess, I don't think anyone on this stupid show is even thinking about plot." And Wade seems to like every single one, because every time he says any of them (even if it's not the first time), Logan can hear his heart rate pick up, and he freezes for a moment before going back to the conversation.

And he keeps those three in rotation- the three Wade seem to like and the three Logan thinks fit the best- and Wade never tells him to stop, so he doesn't.

Step 5) is honestly one of his favourites, because Step 5) is calling Wade his boyfriend around other people.

He starts of light. Casually mentioning that they are dating to their friends when the see eachother for the first time in awhile. Then when they are out and about, and he casually mentions that "Oh yeah, just out with my boyfriend" "Yeah, just grocery shopping with my boyfriend" "I've got a date with my very handsome boyfriend after this" and he always makes sure Wade hears him.

He wants Wade to know that he isn't ashamed of people knowing they are together- he actually likes it. Being able to show off his handsome boyfriend to his friends or in public is very much fulfilling Logan's masculine side, and Wade is a blushing mess everytime. He can tell, he doesn't need to see. Wade is stuttering over his words, nodding along with whatever Logan is saying.

It's adorable and Logan wants to see it more often.

After another 2 months of dating, and a good two months or repeating his little 5 steps, Wade seems slightly more comfortable. Logan doesn't push him- doesn't want to break what trust he is building- and he accepts every slight change with gratitude.

Wade slowly gets alittle closer as they sit on the couch. He sometimes rests his leg against Logan when they sleep- and he doesn't seem as afraid to flirt back and forth for awhile now.

And now, he can try Step 6) Talking with Wade.

It's the most terrifying step of the 6. That's where all of this careful build up could shatter beneath his feet and he could ruin everything, have to start all over again. Or, Wade might pull even further away than he had at the beginning. But he knows he has to do it- wants to do it- and so he does. It's worth the risk.

So one night, while Logan and Wade are sat together watching some shitty late night shopping channel, Logan decides to bring it up. Not so casually this time.

"Hey Wade, can I ask you something?" He asks, his voice calm and soft, using the others name to hopefully make it seem a little more important. Wade turns away from the TV, fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie (he only takes it off when it doesn't smell like Logan, and makes him wear it until he does again), a small nod. "Yeah- what's up babycakes? If its to ask if I think you'd be good on Bake Off, I may have bad news Peanut, because I've seen your attempt at making pancakes, and that would not make Paul proud." Wade jokes, his voice having a tiny hint of nervousness too it, and Logan is kind of glad for the joke but less for the nervousness Wade is expressing.

"Nothing bad, I promise- I just...I want you to know that I care for you. Alot. No matter what- and if you aren't comfortable touching and taking your mask or hoodie of that's okay. I-....well...I just want you to also know that I'm okay if you do. If you do want to take them off aswell. I do like how you look- ya know that, right? Like alot. And again, if you aren't comfortable I get it- but I also need you to know that I think your super handsome and hot either way. Sorry...I'm not great with this kind of thing- but I'm trying..." Logan rambles on like an idiot, something he doesn't do often, but he needs Wade to understand. Needs him to know. He isn't sure if it works or not, because for awhile there is a deafening silence filling the room.

Logan starts to panic, because, why was Wade so quiet? And still? Had he overstepped? Had what he dreaded would happen actually happened?

But all of a sudden, he hears quiet sobs. Which makes him freeze. "W-Wade?" He asks, his voice breaking a little. He had made Wade cry. Wade was crying. Shit. Shit. Shitshitshitshit. This wasn't how it was meant to god. He really had fucked up, and he wasn't sure how he was going to fix i-

"I'm sorry." Is all he hears, cutting him away from his thoughts, and his heart breaks even more at that. "Hey- no, why are you sorry baby?" Logan asks quietly, moving alittle closer to Wade. He desperately wants to reach out and wrap his arms around Wade, pulling him close and rub soothing circles on his back, but he doesn't want to make Wade feel worse. He respects Wade's boundaries.

"Because I'm such a fucking mess....I'm ugly and-and I just...you can't really think that- can you? Your so fucking stunning and I'm....and I'm me! I'm covered head to toe in fucking scars and-and they aren't even good looking scars- and....and I just....I'm sorry.. I can't be...be normal.. " and every word is breaking Logan's heart even more. How the hell could Wade think that? Any of it?

Logan like- no- loved every single thing about Wade. His stupid jokes, his rambling, his cute little voice he put on for Mary Puppins, how he always helped any kids that asked for it, his body, his voice, hell- he even loved the nicknames. He loved everything this man did, does and will do. No matter what.

And here Wade was thinking he was ugly- thinking he was some fucking disgusting creature. Logan should apologise to him for failing to do what he set out to do. Failing to prove to Wade he loved him no matter what.

"Wade...listen to me right now. I...I love everything about you. Everything. I love every scar and every blemish because that makes you, you. I think you are the best boyfriend in the multiverse, and I am so fucking happy that you are mine. That you chose me, the worst version of me. I think you are a handsome, sexy, extremley good looking, kind, gentle, crazy, person, and I love it all. And I want to see you baby, I havent seen your face in so long. I want to see your pretty eyes again and that stunning smile- and I want to hold your hand in public, to kiss you on your cheek, to cuddle you at night- I want all of that. So...so please...please- if you want and only if you want....take the mask off- of just the hoodie. Please? Because I promise, I am going to spend the rest of my days proving that everything you think about yourself is wrong. That anything negative is positive." And maybe this is another messy ramble, but Logan doesn't care because he can't let Wade keep thinking like this. He gets having bad days- knows that there will come days in the future where Wade wants to wear the mask and the hoodie for a day, but he can't let him feel like this all the time. He can't. He won't. He refuses.

Logan stares at Wade, patiently waiting for any reaction. Anything at all. And there isn't one for a moment, until Wade is slowly pulling his mask off. As soon as he does, Wade looks at him scared, tears rushing down his face, eyes looking anywhere but Logan.

And it's been so long since he has seen that face- that face he fell inlove with- that he can't help the tears in his own eyes start to rush down his cheek. "Hey...there you are." He whispers, a small smile spreading across his lips. It feels so good to see him. To actually see him.

"H-hey..." Wade whispers back, his voice sounding broken and too quiet, and Logan is determined to fix that. "Can I...can I touch you? Just your cheek or hold your hand? If not that's okay. Take your time. I'll be waiting as long as you need." Logan says softly, waiting for Wade to shut him down- the mask being off already such a huge step, but suddenly he is nodding and Logan is placing a gentle hand on Wade's cheek, gently running his thumb over the scared skin.

In this moment, he can't understand how Wade thinks he looks ugly, because to Logan? To Logan he looked like he was sculpted by the gods themselves. Wade looked like something out of a painting. He looks so stunning that Logan just can't understand.

Wade must see this in his eyes, because Wade quickly looks confused. "You...you really do mean all that.." He says, and Logan nods with a smile on his face. "Of course I do. I love you Wade. Nothing is going to stop that- and...and I hate that you feel this way about yourself because you are the most beautiful person I have ever laid my eyes on...and I'm going to keep my promise. I'm going to prove every word." And this time, Wade looks like he understands. Like he truly believes, and Logan can't help but lean in and softly press their lips together.

This time, Wade doesn't pull away from the touch, instead, he finally leans in.

[symphorine]

man. some days i look at my life and i feel lived and some days i look at my life and i feel so, so deeply lonely. and it keeps coming back its been there forever and theres times where it's like im standing in the dark holding the torn ends of the bonds i had with people but im alone, theres no one else. and even when i do feel them, when the bonds are whole and the people are in sight theres always a distance. nobody ever manages to actually reach through.

and like ive solved the suicidal part - ive decided that if im gonna just discard my life then i might as well actually keep it and make it something useful, try and put some good in the world. but i havent solved the loneliness and it keeps coming back and crushing me a little more and suddenly i just dont care about anything or anyone and i could change my name and move on the other side of the world and disappear from peoples lives and, worse than it not mattering to them - and its always oh, theyd be sad but not that sad, yknow, im not essential - it wouldnt matter to /me/

and then im like ok well clearly there's smth im not satisfied with in my life. what is it? what do i want? and it might help if i had an answer but i never fucking do. i dont have drive or passion or inner fire or whatever. hanging on to life to try and hopefully make a positive impact on people is as far as ive gotten. theres nothing else. like ok i COULD do that, follow the loneliness impulse and leave everything behind, and then what? i wouldnt be changed id just be even more lonely. the loneliness sucks rn but at least its somewhat tempered.

idk its like. i feel alone and theres a sort of perpetual fomo and jealousy to see other people reach each other but never me, and then feeling like i should try first, make the overture, but i dont deserve to if im not able to reach either, and itll just be more of the same, trying to fill the hole in my chest that runs so deep i feel it in everything. and then i do reach out and i feel loved but it doesnt stick. and i know its not normal its not how people feel but thats been that way forever. and honestly. what if i did manage to process feelings and emotions like a normal person but it didnt help, because people would still not reach me?

and even when i get far enough that i can think of trying new and different things i have so little energy all the time. what am i supposed to do with that.

idk i feel small and sad and im gonna go to bed.

[l0ng-seas0n]

ive been so inconsistent with my wl/diet for like 6 months lord..

i know why it is, my stress level is through the roof, its honestly the worst its ever been for many reasons. too many to list but school would probably be the biggest one.

& since food is such a big part of my life and one that constantly makes me anxious when i get stressed my mind just tells me to give in and binge

the days where i can calm myself down are the days where i stick to my diet but its so easy to forget to do it. its like every 3-4 days i do good then horrible, rinse and repeat

its mainly the reason why i made this acc, i never tried venting on an app so im trying to see if itll help.

when it comes to venting journals dont do it for me, its too hard to vent to friends and i do see a therapist but not that often.

fortunately despite my inconsistency the last time i weighed myself (a week ago) im still losing weight and the lighest ive ever been but im not taking any chances

[beaniebitch69]

gross disgusting rant undermeath (sometimes i like to leave typos in just bc 🤭)

my father makes small jabs abt how little we stay in touch. its all my fault bc i dont txt back, or i respond late. thats a little dramatic but the man says he doesnt reach out to me bc it doesnt feel good to be ignored... so what ur just not gonna do anything? ill admit i dont talk or share my feelings well, but his idea of conversing is like sticking a nail thru my head. id rlly rather just ignore him...

on the tpic of him being ignored like, welcome to my world? its weird thinking back on it now bc i remember a lot of the times he gave me a boatload of attention and care, but when i did get it it was never good. never what i wanted or needed, its not like it felt bad but... its like giving someone water when their hungry, itll help, but its not gonna do what u Actually want it to do. its a stopgap at best. a childhood of that and its no wonder im weird lol

hes started calling me guy bro man a lot more since i came out (it was after this one time he thought i was correcting him when he once referred to me as man (i wasnt) and his 1st instinct was to defend himself abt how he calls "everyone" man bro guy. i think this is like maybe a subconscious punishment? (if its conscious i will take his tongue as punishment for hurting his child (honestly i should take it anyway lord knows the bullshit hes fed my brother, the idiotic jackass))) :/

i cant tell him how to love me, i doubt he would listen anyway. and even if he did listen, even if he did love me easily, i dont know that i would want him to.