#i dont know if it has to do with the way my autism effects me

[devotedlystrangewizard]

the corpse of king minos is very fucking big and Scary but you can parry his punches pretty easily and thats the easiest way i can explain how good ultrakill feels

[bwobgames]

"We went to some waterfalls last year. They are some hidden beauty kind of thing we saw on tiktok, so we wanted to explore.

We set up our tents in an area that wasn't meant for camping.

We are kind of experts in the field so we didn't think much of it.

The place was... certainly cold. And rocky and... humid. The trek took a good amount of effort.

We had it , really! but um...

Things are not so easy at night

Paolo was my brother. He woke up in the middle of the night to get fresh air or something like that, i dont know, but.

He... he slip in the rocks and fell.

We found out in the morning"

Oliver tries his best to supress the picture that comes into his mind.

He fell. That's what they all said.

"Those waterfalls... We'll be passing through that area tonight"

“I… I’m kinda hoping to see him. I hope the train lets me see him”

"I hope he gets in"

Oliver cannot suppress the shiver that runs down his spine

“The news had a picture of us that was way too good for something so morbid”

He shows his phone background. It’s five friends taking a picture in front of a waterfall.

“Can I see the article?”

“Vivi!”

“Uh. My condolences. Can I see the article?”

“Sure, let me… Ah shit. No signal”

“What…?”

(No, no. Don’t Panic just yet. Breath in, Calm down, and Analyse. The BCA method.)

He looks out the window and sees nothing but trees

Ah. They left the city already. That was quick, not going into traffic really makes a difference.

Trains are awesome.

“We’re out of range for phone signal, I believe. We are out of the city. When we reach somewhere more urban, we should get it back”

Although he is not sure if this train is going to pass through any urban place like buses do. That would be incredibly efficient. Awful for this situation but he’s not going to blame the train for it.

Wait, is his love for trains the house’s effect? Wait, no, that could just be the autism. Did the train give him autism??

Much to discuss.

“Excuse me, sorry for us keeping you guys busy, I’m sure you are tired. Let me show you where the bedroom cabins are”

“(Ah! My manners!)”

“Thank you! This bag has been killing me!”

And so they leave.

“We’ll be okay. We’ll be okay! There’s no murderous maniac here. And it’s not that big of a place! I think. We’ll be fine”

Ángel is doing a commendable job keeping himself together

It’s… inspiring

“When has a house ever taken us down, yeah?”

“Yeah! We have the power of gay love!”

He suddenly looks at Vivi.

“And gay friendship!”

Vivi is… fixated on a photo.

“Vivi?”

“Hm? What? Yes? Gay love or something yeah? Yahoo!”

“What are you looking at?”

“Uh, nothing! It’s just… I really hate the lighting in this photo! That must be the house effect. Making me bad at lighting.”

“Uh. Anyways. Yeah, it’s probably nothing. Be right back!”

And so she leaves

He also didn’t realize the kids left as well. Is just him and Ángel now.

“I’ll see what she’s hiding. I have unbanned war tactics that will make her fess up”

“I don’t think the sad kitty eyes will work on her”

“No, no. That’s my tactic for you. I need to bring out different tactics with her. She’s a strong enemy”

They are always so dramatic those two.

He is a bit… saddened, That Vivi is hiding something from him. He’s never been that good at friendship, seeing Vivi and Ángel’s relationship got him wishing for something like that.

Of course, Ángel and Vivi have been friends since they were kids, and he only knows her for these last few years but-

He really hopes this is… something unrelated. And in no way reflective of his friendship with her.

He will trust. Because that’s what friends do.

“Stick with someone, please? Even if it’s just a worker, or stay in your room! Or- or the bathroom! Just-“

“I’ll be safe”

“…Yeah. Yeah, you always are”

“But if something happens, you scream, okay? Scream at the top of your lungs! Like you did at the Los Bunkers concert, okay?”

“I’ll keep it in mind. In case of danger, I ask for an encore”

“…I love you”

Ah! Sudden emotional attack! What a dirty trick!

“So just sit here and look pretty, okay? Be right back!”

Woah! Woahwoahwoah! Affection! Direct attack!

One day. One day he’ll stop reacting like a teen boy with a crush. And then he’ll see! Everyone will see!

“(…Maybe if we are quiet… surely the other cabins won’t hear, right…?)”

“(No, No. Bad Oliver. Wait until home. Where there’s showers and privacy)”

Willing his thoughts about his gorgeous boyfriend to settle, he plans his next move.

It’s 9 pm

<-PREV START NEXT->

[xanadufoyerwaterwheeljr]

⭐LAST OF US RANTING ⭐

Mostly about people being mad about Pedro Pascal dying and being superficial and annoying and weird

I feel like the people (that didn't play the games) seemed to only watch Last of Us because they're attracted to Pedro Pascal. They only cared about him during the whole first season. Which makes sense the story kind of does that to you? But I have seen so many people say now that Pedro Pascal is gone they won't watch. Joel would never have been that interesting to play as if he never had Ellie! If he just lost his daughter and then he was every other person whos lost someone in the apocalypse. So in turn the show is the same. Joel becomes an interesting character AFTER he has Ellie as a parallel to his other shit. And to ONLY watch something because you're attracted to someone and not even care AT ALL ABOUT THE REST OF THE STORY is crazy. I admit I've watched shows because I'm attracted to the stars, or if I see even a HINT of gay, but I don't stick around to things if im not actually interested? Last of Us has an insane story with crazy points and very real characters and relationships. Yet people are only watching because of PEDRO??

People simultaneously are NOT attracted to Bella Ramsey and don't like them and have preconceived ideas about them. (The amount of fucking potato emojis are crazy. It does have a lot to do with Bella talking about their autism diagnosis, but Bella looks so normal i don't understand it. Like they look TOO normal. Just a normal guy.) People aren't even hating on Abby now cuz Katilyn Dever is also conveniently hot. Abby was never HOT to the vast majority. (Dont get me started im a loverthey and Abby is my GIRLRRRRRLLL) she was too strong and "manly" to the gamer gooners. But I've barely seen any hate except that she DOESNT look like that. Make up your minds fr. She has a different strong vibe to her that's easy to read on her groups faces. No one is calling her ugly now or making fun of her manliness or being unrealistic, no one is as mad about her killing Joel they're all mad about her killing PEDRO. I love Pedro too PROTECT THE DOLLS !! YES MA'AM

But I'm not watching for him. I never played the game for Joel. I played because Ellie was a likable and interesting character. And the way she made Joel more of an interesting character. Their relationship and the exploration of trauma and being faced with that with head on. Joel has to face the loss of his daughter and move on by being forced to protect Ellie. And then being traumatized by losing his FIRST daughter made him think he needed to do everything he could to not lose his second daughter. Including killing other people and not giving his daughter free will or autonomy. (I do understand the perspective of him saving ellie it does make sense to save someone you love I would probably do the same thing) I loved the show making Joel just shut up and listen.

He seemed to be once again forced to face his trauma head on. Abby telling him what he did, how many people he killed, WHO he killed, the real lives that he took. You could tell he knew he deserved it. The show is such a great way to expand these characters flesh them out and make them REAL ASF.

I feel like if I was watching this story without ever having played the games I would be ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT. WHATS GONNA HAPPEN. JOEL DIES!!! The last episode of season one really shows that Joel had no care, he didn't reason with anyone, he didn't give anyone a chance. He just killed them all and left with Ellie. Him killing Marlene was so insane to me. He was ruthless. Overtaken by his own grief and trauma. I think if I had watched that without the game I still would've understood Abby and WHY Joel dies and what that will do to the story. Knowing Joel lies to Ellie and you know Eillie knows he's not telling her everything. That really puts it into perspective. Ellie is the main character, the circle or trauma. The domino effect your trauma can have on other people.

This STORY MAN !!!!

[doomed-silly]

So I primarily have posted milgram content but I NEED to talk about ochako and toga from my hero academia so bad

FULL MHA SPOILERS BELOW

LIKE EVEN STUFF THAT HASNT BEEN ANIMATED

With that out of the way im specifically wanting to talk about toga and ochako in terms of neurodivergency, privilege, and social norms.

Starting with Toga to me shes well first off canonically LGBT (pan specifically I believe), but to me she reads neurodivergent. Not so much in behavior but in her role in the story/how shes treated. She has a quirk that's at first glance not seen as "normal". She exhibits behaviors that are alarming and also not "normal". You can probably see where im going here, but Toga was born into a system that had 1. Decided before she was born that she was someone who needed to be changed to fit the mold and 2. Born into a system that prioritized the status quo over her as a person.

Moving onto ochako, I'd argue that ochako exhibits extreme levels of affection like Toga does. The key difference is Ochako does it in a socially acceptable way. Ochakos quirk does not predispose her to expressing love differently from the majority of people. Ochako is a very affectionate loving person, and she is empathetic at heart.

So after setting up some basic information where am I going with this? I wanted to talk about privlidge and ostracization. Since im relating toga specifically back to autism I'll be speaking in those terms. Toga shows affection and love based on the genetic makeup she was born with. Toga is simply doing what is natural to her. When someone who is autistic is born its the same way. We are autistic. The way we show love or socialize or anything that autism effects (which is mostly everything) is inherent to our autism. Once Toga starts deviating from what's considered normal shes sent to get professional help. In this case and what most cases are irl its not about helping the autistic individual acclimate to their surroundings and cope with them its about teaching them to act in a way that's deemed more acceptable. This can be seen with Toga when shes literally told to "quit smiling like that". Just our facial expressions are enough to upset people. I know plenty of autistic people who had to practice their facial expressions in the mirror. But anyways after this Toga quite literally starts masking the visual cue of this is a LITERAL mask she wears. For anyone who doesn't know irl with autism masking is the process of someone who's autistic presenting as neurotypical (not autistic). However this is an extremely draining process. And when you reach a point you can experience burn out which then effects everything in your life including your ability to mask. Toga broke she couldn't keep masking which led to her drinking the blood of her crush. So just some quick recaps Toga was born with a system that was built to force her to conform or face ridicule otherwise.

Next is ochako. In terms of privlidge ochako isn't rich (the poor jokes were plentiful), but compared to Toga it comes down to her quirk. Ochakos quirk doesn't effect her behavior or at least the way she presents to people. She's the type of girl people love. Translating that to irl ochako could be considered neurotypical. Ill speak more about ochako later but for now that's the info that's relevant.

We hear first hand from Toga she doesn't understand why how she expresses love is wrong. To her it is inherent. And irl id say majority of autistic people dont drink blood to show their love BUT we do typically approach love differently than neurotypical people. They literally made a whole show about dating while autistic. And this is where ochako comes in. She grew up in a system that benefited her. She never had to think about her expression of self because the system never faulted her for how she expressed herself. When she is first interacting with Toga shes still trusting the system because she doesn't have the life experience or personal connections to realize that some people are not only struggling under the system but are actively demonized under it. From there toga is able to find her chosen family and ochako attempts to connect with Toga. But now I want to go to their final confrontation. At this point Toga is beaten down. Ochako is fully embracing the fact she was wrong and she wants to understand and help Toga but at this point Toga doesn't have an interest in the system anymore. And I think where it starts getting heart breaking but also really interesting is that ochako is actively taking hit after hit from Toga but still choosing to connect vs fight. Toga has never had someone who was apart of the system willing to reach out to her like this but especially to that degree. And I think the final push Toga and ochako needed was ochako acknowledging that Toga suffered not because of the fact shes a villain and has a quirk that makes her act a certain way, but because this system was not designed to help her. And ochako completely opening up to Toga at her worst literally not shielding herself when Toga goes to stab her shows Toga a level of care and willingness to understand and love her that she till now didnt think could happen for her. Toga desires love and connection. In her own words she falls in love too easily with everyone and everything. She so desperately wants people to accept her and love her, but because she was born in a way that was deemed incorrect shes barred from the connection she wants. Seeing ochako not only accept her but actively fight to get through to her is that connection she longs for. Not just love but a signifier of validation and acceptance that she didn't deserve what happened to her in her past and that people can love her outside of the bounds of what's "normal"

And i think that culminates to Togas question "am I cute?". On the face of it its a bit of a juvenile question. To Toga though this isn't juvenile because to her its her finally being able to let go of the hatred people gave her.

I think what's so heart breaking about Toga is what she even says in her final monologue. Maybe if there were more people like ochako or someone had reached out earlier things could've been different. Toga didnt need to be fixed she just needed support.

And from there we can get more into ochako. During her confrontation with Toga she specifically mentions realizing there's more than just her family that needs help and to me I read that as her acknowledging what extends past her world view. So many neurotypical people or anyone not part of a marginalized group are very resistant to being open to learning past what they know. But ochako saw there's more to the world then just her and she then took action to educate herself and extend empathy. Her monologue to Toga is exhibiting this like when she talks about how she thought Toga smiling while doing awful things meant she liked hurting people and then proceeding to say Togas smile was perfect. Ochako is at this point fully accepting her position of privilege. She is able to see her own prejudices and shes also not only wanting to talk and get closer to toga but is willing to extend an offer that benefits toga and not the system. Ochako has been viewing toga through the lens of the system they grew up in, so once she realizes she was wrong she can't just expect toga to work within those constraints. Toga has been doing that her whole life which led her here. Ochako takes accountability and also makes the space comfortable for toga by saying she'll give her as much blood as she wants. Ochako is fully embracing toga as she is and not what shes "supposed" to be.

I think in the time skip ochako continuing to use her time to help kids like toga is also a testament to her character. I really do believe this whole arc is a beautiful way to encapsulate how autistic people are disregarded and mistreated by our society and also shows how far acceptance and understanding can go.

"This world might not be a comfortable place for you to live in" is the line that has me constantly thinking about these two. It's rare im so moved by a piece of dialogue that it makes me rethink my life. But for all of MHA's faults im glad we have toga and ochako

[nonbinary-sticks-the-badger]

usually when i post politics on here its global politics or specifically the US, however i have a lot of disabled people in my life so this matters to me

to begin ill explain a few terms ill be using (some perhaps incorrectly, so do correct me if you know better) in case they're called something different in your country:

benefits are just financial aid from the government. in this specific case im talking about the ones people get specifically if they can't work because of their disability

PIP (personal independance payment) is financial aid disabled people can get from the age of 16 that is given as well as their wages/benefits

tories are the right wing party, labour are (supposedly) the left wing party

lately the labour government have been focused on growth after the utter wank stain of an economy the tories left behind. this sounds good on paper but the way theyve been handling it has been awful. this latest proposal sees a reduction in who qualifies for disability benefits and perhaps even pip as a whole, which is causing controversy for all the reasons you'd expect

now first of all, i am disabled myself (autism, undiagnosed adhd and probably some kind of undiagnosed mental health issue), but i already do not qualify for pip. i applied a while ago and they rejected me, and while i do think i could really benefit from it, i do think its fair in my specific case. i dont need to work yet, but i also probably wont be able to get these specific benefits when i do. despite what i may say, i do honestly want to have a job. i want to work. i probably will, although even my dream jobs are quite unstable. i am angry because this is wrong, not because im missing out on something i wasnt going to have anyway. also, my mum is on ill health benefits, although this is because her pension hasnt come through yet (teachers' pension are awful but thats a rant for another day). even if she wasn't though, she's incredibly unlikely to be affected, as she has a degenerative motor condition. my dad is on it for ptsd, so he may be affected, but honestly that wouldn't affect me.

i need to get some things straight: claims that people on benefits, regardless of what they're for, are always able to afford nice new cars, big houses etc arent really true. my mum's been a teacher all my life and since retiring, we're at the poorest we've ever been. she frequently has to ask my granny for financial help - we do come from a relatively affluent family, even if we aren't rich ourselves, however not everyone has this priviledge. even those who do cheat and get benefits they dont actually need are a small minority and frankly, they're a distraction from what REALLY needs to be done. i dont really care if people out there claim benefits they dont need just to afford a few luxuries when the uk has 171 billionaires that could all be taxed to generate loads of wealth. according to forbes, micheal platt (richest man in the uk) alone could be taxed of the £5 billion the government want to save with this scheme and he'd still be a multibillionaire.

id also like to mention: while there's a rumour that PDCA effectively gives all past prime ministers (including liz truss) £115,000 salary for life, that actually isn't true - instead, it is for past PMs to claim for any "public duties", such as managing an office or expenses to do with visits. i think it's necessary to state the facts, even if they don't help my case, because i honestly only found out about it as i was writing and it's common misinformation that should be addressed. i still think this should be abolished though, seeing as pretty much nobody else gets this treatment and the average past PM isn't exactly financially struggling.

most controversially, labour want to disqualify ANYONE under 22 from being able to claim these benefits, claiming that this is to avoid people falling out of the system. honestly, i thought this was a sensationalised headline written to stir conflict, but from what i can see it actually isnt; i dont want to drown you in sources, but because they're a trustworthy source on this kind of thing, here's the bbc article, which says that ~66,000 people currently claim these benefits. thats only about 1 in 1000 people in the uk, as opposed to the 1 in 350,000 people in the uk who are billionaires*. obviously disability rights activists have gone against this because i mean. i just. how do you not have the common sense to understand that. i literally have no idea what to even say about that it speaks for itself

in general, this is one of the most controversial moves since the whole malarky about winter fuel payments and you can understand why. a party built on creating the wellfare state we have today is now removing those benefits for some of the most vulnerable members of society. truly disgusting.

*just to clarify the shortcuts i made to make these into nice, easy to read fractions, here's the maths:

for the 66,000 on benefits:

66,000/67,081,234

rounded to 70,000/70,000,000

simplified to 7/7000

simplified to 1/1000

for the 171 billionaires:

171/67,081,234

rounded to 200/70,000,000

simplified to 1/350,000

it feels somewhat disingenuous to simplify the statistics so much, but without rounding to 1 significant figure, these barely make any sense

[bunny-heels]

finished the Night Springs DLC. im so fuckin happy. thoughts under cut. spoilers of course

ROSE'S EPISODE WAS SO FUN I WILL NOT HEAR ANY SLANDER FOR IT. her dialogue was so silly and all the lil fanfic cliches were so fun and cute i was losing it SO Bad. the whole rose-tint effect over everything and her romanticizing Alan just uses her. Rose sweetie you poor girl. but god i love her enthusiasm so much. she's a misguided sweetheart. i need more of her forever. also her being the one to swoon Alan lowering him while covered in blood. Queen behavior.

Jesse's episode is what made me realize these probably take place WAY before the main game. at least Jesse's episode does. i loved her interactions with Tim and all the lil creepy moments with the brainwashing and bring just, in a weird dark place version of Coffee World. the math problem was a lil hard for me only cause i got so confuses cause i havent done math in so long. i also dont know what was up with the messages in the stash boxes??? i hope they mean something, i mean they definitely do but i just have no idea what. her ending was so weird tho. Alan being her brother instead of Dylan was huge whiplaah and i fully didnt expect it. but i did love it.

but Tim's episode. holy fuck. what the fuck was that. first of all Sam is adorable and i love that he's able to perfectly replicate the level of autism he has for his real games onto his character self's fake games. secondly, the different mediums, oh my god. the comic killed me with the panels of multiple Sam's, Shawn's and Illka's. i was out of my mind. AND THE QUANTUM BREAK REFERENCE WITH DOOR FINDING THAT SHIT IN THE CAVE? SAM THERE ARE MICEOSOFT SNIPERS OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE THEY'LL KILL YOU!!!!!! the fucking tango song im so happy it made a comeback. THE FINNISH POSTER FOR DEATH RALLY BTW???? WHERE ZANE IS ACTING AA THE MAIN CHARACTER???? IM CRYING FOREVER???? and that text adventure ending. oh god that ending made me insane. the wording of the situation was beautiful. and i loved ASCII art Alan. so cute.

THE LIL MEMORIAL THING FOR JAMES ALSO. ugh idk how i didnt cry. that was so sweet. i miss that man so fucking much. i really hope if they ever bring Casey back that the next guy who voices him does it justice.

god i loved this whole DLC. it was so fun and i had such a good time. i cant wait for Lake House to come out, i'll lose it so hard

[minmos]

sorry im not drowning the post because i disagree with it, i just dont want to derail and traumadump on a stranger's post, but this is my dad finding out that forcefeeding me new foods while hes drunk isnt going to cure my sensory problems around food and actually will make me want to try new things less Sorry

but also bc i have thoughts on this ^ 1. does anyone have any advice on how to ger your nutritional needs met with autism related food problems. yes i know that the most effective way to get proper nutrition is to have a balanced diet & nothing else i can do is going to replace that. But does anyone have any like, at least harm reduction style advice while i work on that

in return i offer: ive found that learning to cook has expanded my world so much & is such a treat for my food weirdness. i feel like it's given me a level of control that makes me feel so much more secure when i eat, like i can control exactly how it tastes & the textures, and i know what's in it. And in turn, that extra security lets me try new foods on my own terms in a way that doesnt feel as scary as people forcefeeding me or pressuring me to try things when i dont want to

Also if you can eat soup, ive found that making chicken soup has been an incredible way for me to try new vegetables. you can't really taste any of them (i know i know, but with a large pot i really do not taste it at all because everything tastes like the savory broth), but i think that there's enough slight vegetable taste that i'm very slowly building my resistance to it. and the texture of all the vegetables iz the same (very soft & unnoticeable) because of how long it cooks, so you dont have to deal with texture issues, and if you cut it up small then you don't notice it at all

Speak now my autism warriors

[the-eyemunchies]

A small discussion. We all know ghoatbusters is autisti media, but can we talk about how all the ghostbusters are definitely neuroatypical (except for Winston).

So this is my Thread(i will only be using the movies but i could add so much more with the Real ghostbusters):

So let's start with the easy one, Egon is Obviously Autistic, he is the steriotypical autistic person, blunt, which shows difficulty in communication, has a hard time with socialization and has repetitive and behaviour. (Yes, those are the main 3 traits to define autism according to the dms-5 ), but we can add in some other stuff like he restrictive eating and hyperfocus that arent defining traits but are also associated.

Now let's go for Ray, i see a lot of people mentioning of autistic behaviour related to Ray and well due to Dan himself being autistic. but i will throw a thing out here, Ray has ADHD Not autism, specifically the mixed adhd which brings in the lack of attention along with hyperactivity. (i know the spectrum shows differently in each person but this is my headcanon and what i observed) So lets start, he is very impulsive, and take actions sometimes without even thinking, plus very active, childish, and he lacks a lot of attention like they'd be talking about a thing and stantz would trail off or even start something without even considering causes, like with the proton packs, ray was the first one to offer himself even if it is a nuclear weapon. He could go overboard like when he is asked to scream to the mood slime and goes over the top, and now that's not necessarily a adhd characteristic, but it's common, he is very adoptive and quickly witted.

Now, for the one no one ever talks about when mentioning about neurodiversity in ghostbusters and my favourite Venkman.

Oh, how do i start with this one, thats the most AuDhD person, in the movies the phrases like "Good or bad is a bit fuzzy in my mind" or "dont stare at me you have the bug eyes, im sorry" both the situation, of not exactly understanding the morals or social effects and of not liking to be stared at, (he barely looks at people faces while talking to them) The lack of feel and being rather apathetic, being calm to react to stuff, like on the second on thr mocie when they were being judged and he was telling louis exactly what to say and yet extreme impulsive action, like the way he behaved with peck, his extreme sincerity and plus even tho he is very communicative his ways of communication are very directed as in the need to alrewdy have a theme or create a move. he needs a topic to communicate with people, like i found it so stupid that he used the experiment to hit on the girl on the first scene then he used jokes to die out his anxiety and he is not very expressive and to actually talk to dana he used the excuse of the ghost hunting, and the way he began to freak out about the ectoplasma (now obviously im over exagerating) could be seen as sensory issues, much like ray he also gets side tracked and distracted a lot. It's hard to have two voices in ya head telling the most logical and other one telling the impulsive intrusive thought, and he shows the mixture of the two perfectly. and if you want to push even farther in, we can discuss dislexia. The fact he has to ask Ray to read certain words for him and tell him what it says is already very interesting. (Adding in Bill murray is not openly autistic, but there were mentions about it in old interviews and some stuff in different people mentioning the possibility. but for the section of factuality, let's say no)

It could've been an accident or not, but here we have it. this is my belief that none of this is canon. im not Dan nor Harold remis im just a person who really likes those characters and is also Autistic.

i love this picture of ernie hudson its so silly

[lapdogchase]

thinking about therapy again bc i knowww i need to be in it. but i think one of my inarguable needs in a therapist is that they see me as an equal? i guess is the best way to put it. and thats not really something you can Ask it's more of a vibes based thing. but like. i hate playing stupid with doctors psychiatrists therapists etc i want to be like This is what im experiencing These are the resources ive looked into This is what i think is going on. where do we go from here. and like i know a fair amount about psychology and i dont want to have to pretend i dont. or for them to assume i dont. and like id look into peer support and stuff but i feel like thats more short term and less intensive than id need to unpack my childhood stuff. Oh i completely forgot to post and also finish typing this. anyway idk like what are even the chances of finding a provider in my area, who takes my insurance and is willing to work with me abt the copay, whose main modality isnt cbt, whos experienced in cptsd/dissociative disorders, and also who i click with as a person. idk. it feels completely hopeless lol and i know its not but like. maybe im fine rn like maybe i dont even need therapy really (least fine guy youve ever met voice)

but the other problem is i also need like, a social worker who isnt school-related and extremely overworked (god bless her tho omg) bc i need a lot of help getting like, case management and applying for disability etc. and just normal therapy isnt gonna help me when i also need those things. but i feel like most long term therapists arent also social workers and vice versa

and i dont even know what modality would be helpful for me. i know dbt WAS when i was younger, but now i know like. the basics, ive learned the coping skills etc. so idk if it would still be helpful? and i know like, somatic focused therapy or whatever would probably be helpful, because actually understanding what my body was doing and why and how that effects my mental health has been really helpful in the past. but also i feel like a lot of somatic therapists are... whats a nice way to say this. like a lot of the ppl ive seen either on like psychologytoday etc or on instagram reels are. the type of guy to buy dreamcatchers on shein and use cherrypicked parts of other cultures without understanding their cultural context. and, like, try to cure my dissociative disorder with reiki or something. Sorry im thinking abt the therapist i had in early 2020 now

idk i just dont really know what to look into even. bc ive heard good stuff from a friend abt emdr but im skeptical of emdr like, casually. like i havent tried it and i dont know a huge amount about it, but on the surface it kinda sounds like bullshit- yeah just look between these lights and think about stuff and thatll fix you. but i also understand how repetitive movement can be calming (#autism) and it makes sense that being exposed to those memories and also in a safe place would be helpful? and i like that u dont have to talk abt the traumas in depth out loud. but i also feel like thats more for single-event traumas or at least trauma that u like, remember

and i feel like being able to talk out loud abt stuff would help me. like having another person to bounce my thoughts off of whos not like. a friend. and is able to deal w that kind of thing. and is also paid to do so. And can also help me like. recognize when im being insane. but also Wont assume im being insane and that all my thoughts are fucking cognitive distortions

idk its just exhausting trying to figure out What i even want from therapy other than to Feel Better and stop losing entire months of my life sometimes and to be able to like. make phone calls and talk to people and not feel evil and insane all the time. and to be able to live away from my parents and have a life, whether that involves Employment or not. one of my short-term goals in therapy w a long term therapist would explicitly be to decide my long term goals and how i'll know i met them. bc i think talking abt the therapeutic relationship w my therapist up front is something that would benefit me. due to the avoidance.

idk. wgat everrrr.

[embryonikz]

sensory issues happening alot more frequently as of late. i made a post about it a while back but deleted it out of emberassment.

its just annoying lately. idk how to explain it. idk if its autism or something else or some annoying as hell placebo. im so dead focused on touching things a certain way and if i dont touch it correctly my entire body and head feels violated in a very tickling way that i dont like.

like i want to cry, vomit, and hit myself over it. it feels that bad. idk if this is ocd or what (i have never thought i had ocd but i know my mom has it).

i just feel like from a outside perspective i must look as though i am talking about really random nonsense. i dont get it either. i dont know why it is effecting me this badly.

im constantly having to rub my fingers and hands on things over and over and over and if i dont i start to freak out and feel awful. idk why my brain chose THIS to be the thing that matters for some reason but its getting to a point where i really want to cry cuz i cant get rid of it.

the way i click the mouse, the way i touch the keyboard, even in bed how i touch the fabric. if i dont do it correctly i end up in this ritualistic loops of touching it over and over.

im gonna take my anxiety meds and hope it helps.

[zaagi-studies]

uni accessibility rant [indigenous version]

whenever profs say they wanna see me succeed or they care abt disabled students i rly wanna ask "do you want me to be cured so i can be the best student ever or do you wanna make exceptions every now and then so i can actually perform the knowledge we both know i have???"

like a few things that piss me off

profs (both white allies & natives) teaching about the importance of oral knowledge transmission / how colonial the system is YET saying "i'm sorry i can't do visual or oral-based assessment methods for you" EVEN THO THE RUBRIC IS THE SAME

profs teaching about generational trauma and the health effects of colonialism (mainly substance use disorder & FASD in my case) just to not be accessible or make exceptions because it's inconvenient for them personally,, despite the fact they get paid over 100k a year to teach this shit

"if you were struggling you should've reached out sooner" i have a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects communication bro IM TRYING MY BEST

my worst prof not taking accountability for the way her transphobia has made me feel and how it contributed to my mental health which affected my attendance

"if i do this for you, i have to do this for everyone else too" UNLESS EVERYONE HERE IS REGISTERED WITH THE ACCESSIBILITY PEOPLE THEN NO YOU FUCKING DONT ACTUALLY

it sucks so much cause even tho i'm good friends with the other disabled (similar stuff like adhd & autism) students i can't relate to them because of stuff like :

they have very low support needs compared to me (they can balance part time work & full time school, lack physical health problems, etc)

most don't even recognize themselves as disabled tbh

none of them have idiopathic hypersomnia and are genuinely shocked i'm capable of going to school when i say "researchers consider my condition to be the equivalent of an average person staying awake for 3 days straight, like that's my baseline level of feeling awake and i require another person to give me medication so i can stay awake"

most of their struggles in school seem to be based around comprehending the knowledge from class & organization, not performance-based or executive dysfunction-based (which our university has no idea how to support)

none of them have pathological demand avoidance

most get financial support from their band which makes life wayyy easier

some of them outright pay other people to do their assignments and/or use ai which i'm not rly comfortable doing

all of them can use stress/fear/anxiety/etc as a motivator to get shit done but that doesn't work on me anymore and just leads me to feel paralyzed (like if there's flight/fight/freeze/fawn, they're doing fight while i'm doing freeze

just wanna make it clear i'm not hating on my classmates !! i'm happy they can thrive in a system that wasn't designed for disabled ppl. as someone who isn't thriving i feel very dumb and misunderstood all the time (even amongst disabled peers) which is very frustrating/lonely !!

edit: idk how to explain this shit to people because whenever i talk about these problems, other people want to try to fix the problems (natural response imo), but i've already spents years on stuff like adhd medication, antidepressants, life coaching, peer-tutoring, peer-coaching, various forms of therapy, self-education, reading neurodivergent specific self-help books, using neurodivergent specific journalling prompts, etc.

at this point i feel very comfortable saying my issue is with the school system not allowing me to use the methods of assessment that are best for me, not my struggle to communicate or comprehend the world around me. when i attended an online school that was literally called "flex ed" because it was designed to be flexible to each individual student (in terms of asking for different methods & you could choose how long each course was), i was so happy and successful which is how i got the good grades to go on to study at a top university. i don't need other people to fix me, i need people to take me seriously when i talk about what's best for me

[itsaspectrumcomic]

man ok idk if youll be able to advise on this or something but like. do you know anything regarding dealing with like internalised ableism?

i live in a rural part of ireland, right? and idk what it is about rural ireland but some of the people are heinous. my school is in a small miserable-ass town and like. God, man. not everyone sucks, of course but like. jesus lol additionally i have a ~mildly ableist~ mother (a "we're all a little bit autistic" and "erm. youre not disabled because youre not in a wheelchair or blind/deaf" etc etc type stuff. + "npd = bad person" which isnt particularly good for me specifically because i have npd (that i both Cant get an official diagnosis for, for various reasons, and im not really Looking for one either because i know what i am and its not like you get support for it because ~ooh scary narcissist~.)

and like. idk if this is Obvious but that can kinda cause a weird-ass relationship with You (being Me in this case, yk how it is with the second person perspective when. ranting) and The Concept Of Being Disabled. like, objectively. im disabled. im autistic, ive definitely got adhd (that im hopefully going to get examined for at some point cause college stuff requires it for the disability forums and stuff. gotta love that. fuckin 80% comorbidity right?), ive got a laughable number of repetative strain injuries, i have a sensory processing disorder, an endocrine disease that effects my Entire cardiovascular system, a spine that felt a lil quirky and bent in too much. so on a so forth

but also like. it feels wrong to call myself disabled. yk, like im doing a disservice to all the other ~actually~ disabled people (being Anyone but me lol) (none of this is At All helped by the fact that my mother refuses to listen to me regarding Jack Shit about my health in Any way. "oh you nearly passed out on top of a hill because of your cardiovascular condition? erm youre just not exercising enough actually" "you dont have depression [said while i was filling out an assigned mood diary after being forcefully brought to camhs for Reasons" like. shut the fuck up and Listen to me please. at least Entertain the idea that i could be right about something for fucking once lmao. cause ive been right about EVERYTHING regarding my mental health so fucking far so. fuck off /nay ofc) (also man. like, even if you ignored the physical issues ive got im still disabled on account of being autistic. like, motor function is fine, despite being a lil clumsy and/or unsteady sometimes but like. my emotional needs are Fucked. think of the response youd get if you asked a. fuckin. 8 year old or something to do algebra. but with a very emotionally stunted and traumatised 17 year old lol. lmao, even /lh)

so like. if youve got. any advice or whatever on any of this thatd be Super cool + no pressure obvs. sorry this is a whole. like. fucking essay's worth of Random Guy Complaining To You On The Internet lol

-🐢 <- just so i can find this again if you respond. i Like Turtles. i am Normal about the tmnt and also turtles The Creatures. i wont talk at length about turtle mutant anatomy (i am deceiving you)

Internalised ableism is a really hard thing to deal with, especially when you're surrounded by people who constantly re-enforce it. I've also spent a lot of time worrying that I'm not disabled 'enough' to deserve certain accommodations, that I'm making an unnecessary fuss. But the truth is, autism IS a disability and if there are accommodations that can help support you, you deserve access to them. You're not taking away from others with disabilities by advocating for yourself.

It's taken me a long time to understand this and I still worry sometimes. What has helped is talking about my experiences with people I know understand, like my therapist or best friend, and learning about the experiences of other autistic people through books, social media, YouTube and even real life.

I'm sorry your mother and others aren't being understanding - remember that's a them problem, not you, and try to spend your time with people who do understand.

🐢🐢🐢 <- the turtles wish you luck

[beannary]

Hi! Thank you for blessing us all with tlp :) it’s such a cool au and I like it a lot!! I have many thoughts about it so I’ll start writing them now:

With Donnie being raised by Big Mama, the change in dynamics with literally everyone is interesting to think about, so of course my brain has latched onto the concept of how Donnie’s dynamic with his own brain (his neurodiversity/autism) effects his relationships with himself and his family. 

(beannary note: putting everything under the cut so this doesn’t get too long)

Comparing Donnie’s relationship with his own neurodiversity in tlp to canon makes me so emotional you have no idea…..in canon he’s never had a need to mask, living in the sewers with a family who accepts him for who he is, so he has difficulties doing so when needed; we’ve seen him in situations where he is unable to mask/act “socially appropriate” (the mystic library episode comes to mind - he can’t control the volume of his voice when he gets excited. Also every single time he is put in a situation where he has to lie but he is comically bad at it. Also the many many instances in which he is shown being unable to ‘read the room’). But in tlp he seems to be masking a lot, either when he’s interacting with Big Mama’s guests or with Big Mama herself (your Masking is Hard comic comes to mind instantly - how Donnie has a hyperspecific role to play as Big Mama’s Son and the pressure to not only be sociable, but be sociable in a way that meets his mother’s expectations. Its a lot to handle, acting a way that doesn’t come naturally to you and no matter how many times you go through the motions you feel as if it doesn’t get any easier and you dont know why). Tlp Donnie can mask far more convincingly than canon Donnie, but only because he’s had to mask frequently throughout his life. It seems to me like he’s been taught at a young age that he needs to stop acting so “weird” (for example, stimming in obvious ways), because that kind of behavior loses its cuteness fast with Big Mama & most of the company she associates with. I imagine lots of his behaviors are discouraged as he grows up because they’re “not cute anymore” and he’s “not a little kid anymore” and he “needs to learn some manners/self-control” even though everything “weird” Donnie does feels like so natural to him, even as he gets older. Although I do think Donnie has instinctively coped with this by making his stims more subtle (this is where I get to be self-indulgent and imagine his stims - humming, tapping his feet, fiddling with any object he can get his hands on, blasting EDM in his headphones etc), and he only pulls out the big guns (aka big stims) when he’s in his own room with the door closed (or when he’s locked himself in a bathroom stall and physically cannot hold himself back anymore). 

Unfortunately for Donnie I also figure that this amount of masking makes him more susceptible to meltdowns. In canon Donnie has so much freedom and control over his own life that the only time I can remember him being even mildly close to Meltdown Territory is during the Todd Scouts episode when his tech was taken away. And even then, he immediately knows how to cope with the change by Creating with whatever tools he is able to find, his brothers just accepting his absence as he goes MIA to build the things he needs to make himself feel better (like the wooden battle shell). But in tlp au does he even know how to cope in healthy ways? Does he get to go MIA for long periods of time so he can pull himself together and prevent a meltdown from happening? Oouuggghh I just want him to be happy :( poor guy feels as if he has no control over his life to the point he develops an eating disorder, he absolutely has no idea what a healthy coping skill is. I’m torn in between concepts for how he processes his neurological differences - either he goes the “autism? don’t be ridiculous, everyone feels this way” route or the “I am astronomically Different from anyone else I know. surely this is just due to my superior intellect and not a developmental disability of any sorts”. Either way this dude is not connecting any dots nor processing any emotions in a healthy way. (Now that I think about it, while Donnie lives with Big Mama, his unique and different skillset are probably what he clings onto to feel needed and useful to his mother, so the latter makes sense for him during that time. But the former makes sense when the concept of Different scares him, when it’s not just intellect and fixations and tunnel vision but sensory issues and social awkwardness and repetitve movements, things that very clearly separate him from his family and make him less of the Perfect Son he is expected to be.) 

Another thing I’d like to ramble about is Donnie, his autism, and his relationship with his brothers and his dad….you mentioned in an ask that he doesn’t know he’s autistic but that may change when he starts living with the Hamatos. This made me think about how Donnie’s brothers react to his autistic traits in canon versus in tlp (assuming that no one knows that Donnie is autistic; they just know that his brain works Differently than the rest of theirs). In canon, Donnie has lived with his brothers for his entire life. His brothers know his habits, his preferences, his sensitivities, his moods, etc. He may be Different than the rest of them, but not so much that they think about it for more than 5 minutes. Donnie is their brother - any “weird” behavior is not too different from how how he usually acts. Donnie may be weird but they all are in their own ways and it’s not a big deal to them. His brothers are used to accommodating his needs and dealing with his moods. However, in tlp, Raph, Mikey, and Leo don’t know him very well yet. They’ve never lived with him before and when they do accept Donnie into their home as an Official Brother (a development I’m very excited for), they also can’t help but immediately recognize the stuff that makes him Different from the rest of them (if they’re the ones that recognize that it could be autism, than it’s Differences in a way that’s Familiar, if that makes sense). Differences that aren’t just unhealthy habits and mindsets from his previous shitty living situation. Obviously they can be accommodating but it would understandably take longer to adjust simply because they’re not used to Donnie’s specific quirks. They don’t know right away what makes him uncomfortable, or what textures he prefers, or why he moves and talks and acts the way he does. It’s a learning experience for everyone. 

As for Donnie and Splinter….they make me so emotional!!!! Your art of the two of them is so so good and captures that emotion. When Donnie lives with the Hamatos, everything changes. Anyone would have difficulties adjusting to this huge change, but I imagine for Donnie it’s a lot harder. How do you cope with leaving your mother, your only family member you’ve known your entire life? And now suddenly he has to stop being His Mother’s Son and become His Father’s Son, another role he has to create and adjust to (he doesn’t realize yet that his father doesn’t need Donnie to try to be someone he’s not - he loves Donnie unconditionally, just the way he is ;-;) because having a role to play is familiar to him, the only familiar thing he can cling onto during these huge changes in his life. Unfortunately though it just makes everything more exhausting, not only coping with the move into a literal sewer but trying to act like a perfect son for Splinter. Donnie doesn’t know yet that he doesn’t have to mask in front of a parent or meet impossible expectations to “earn” parental love and approval. Meanwhile Splinter sees how Donnie acts with his brothers (much more casual because Donnie doesn’t feel as if he has to “impress” his brothers the way he has to with a parental figure) versus how Donnie acts with him and thinks he’s doing something wrong, that he’s the one giving off an impression to his new son that he has to suppress his stims or say the “right” things or do stuff that makes him uncomfortable because he thinks it’ll make his parent happy…..but I have faith that this pressure eases with time, that they get more comfortable around each other the longer they live together. Eventually Donnie won’t be hesitant or embarrassed to take off the mask in front of his father. Maybe one day he’ll get rid of the mask around his family entirely!! Either way I’m excited to see tlp Donnie’s journey :) thanks for sharing your au with us!

HI THIS IS BEANNARY SPEAKING NOW wow this was so much and im sooooo glad that you are enjoying this au! And for real its so flattering that you like?? wrote all this about my silly au this has actually been the only thing that I could think about since you asked if you could send this in and yeah it’s just really nice to see that people like my comic and this little separated au that i dreamed up

One of the big differences between canon donnie and tlp donnie is tlp donnie’s ability to mask really well. When he was a kid, a lot of his stims were cute and adorable so Big Mama didn’t like encourage them? but let him you know stim freely since she thought it was cute, but as he got older and he kept on stimming in obvious ways she started really hounding him to stop. I do really like the idea of donnie starting to stim in more subtle ways, and im definitely going to try to incorporate that in some of the comics! He still needs to stim, because you know of the autism, and so he does tap his feet and play with whatever little object he can get in his hands when he’s in public. His room is his one safe space where he can really be himself, since its the one spot where he’s not being watched by anyone (his safe space isn’t his lab because what he does in his lab is highly controlled by Big Mama so while he does like being in there and getting to do his science, he’s still pretty on edge since he never knows if his mom is watching him or not). Donnie really loves spending time in his room, though he doesn’t really get a whole lot of time there by himself since Big Mama has filled his schedule with as many extra curriculars as possible so she can show him off all the time). But speaking of his room it sure would be bad if something happened to it! Sure would be bad if it was destroyed in some way thereby destroying his one safe space! Haha! ;)

And no! Donnie does not know how to cope in healthy ways! He is very good at figuring out when he is about to have a meltdown and at figuring out a way to subtly get out of a situation so he can go recuperate somewhere in private, but even then, he can never spend a whole lot of time to himself because if he ever disappeared for an abnormally long amount of time, it would draw attention to himself and more specifically to these meltdowns that he’s having and he really wants those to stay off of Big Mama’s radar since if she knows about them then that’s one more thing for her to criticize and then it’ll be even harder for him to deal with them with his mom now being aware of them. And yeah he does know about autism but he’s still like no it simply could not be me but in that way where he’s like 99% sure he’s autistic but is just refusing to acknowledge it so he can keep on pretending to be ‘normal’. if that makes sense alksdjfh

Living with the Hamatos is going to be very hectic and scary for Donnie just because of how different their home is from his current home. In tlp, Raph also is autistic im pretty sure idk I might change that as the comic progresses but at this point that is what im going with but just havent had a whole lot of time to develop, but that’s part of the reason why the hamatos are so accepting of Donnie, its because they’re already used to living with a sibling who is autistic so all of this is second nature to them, it’s just normal and that really throws donnie for a loop because he’s so used to walking on all these eggshells making sure to act as allistic as possible 24/7 only to be suddenly dumped into an environment where its completely normal and accepted for him to just be himself. And sure it’ll be a learning curve for the hamatos because like obviously not all autistic people are the same but it’ll also be a learning curve for donnie since he’ll finally be able to relax and figure out who he is without having to hide himself all the time. 

Donnie and splinter’s relationship is what im really the most excited to write about. I really want Donnie’s experience leaving Big Mama to mirror Splinter’s experience. And I really don’t want to spoil too much but Donnie is really not gonna like Splinter much at first, and it’s gonna take a while for Donnie to warm up to his dad, but also Splinter is going to be the most understanding of what Donnie is going through because well, Splinter also left an abusive relationship with Big Mama. I dont really want to say much more about their relationship because I dont want to spoil the good angst I have planned but I’m really excited to explore their relationship more!!!!

Also just for the record I have not like proofread any of this so there may be typos or maybe i said something dumb so just lmk and ill fix it aklsdjhf Im not autistic (or am I! I havent been to therapy in a while and I would not be surprised to find out that I am autistic or that I have adhd or something else) so lmk if i said something stupid or phrased something in a dumb way and I cannot emphasize how fast I will fix it 

Ok bye now!!! this was fun!!! and thank you for sending this in!!! Idk it just really warms my heart that someone out there is thinking about this silly au this much, makes it feel like all the work ive put into making this comic is worth it :)

[sporesgalaxy]

My personal experience with ADD/autism/hrt: Anxiety/depression/OCD overlap heavily with ADD/autism. "brain" medications meant for neurotypicals do not work if you have ADD because you need stimulants (try different molecules if you dont like how it feels) I'm on 80mg/week subQ testosterone which improved most of my menstrual issues (I have endometriosis) but they did not disappear until I had a hysterectomy at 10 months on T. I can't speak for the other issues you're dealing with, but your body and emotions are far more interconnected than most people assume, and gender affirming care can be both life changing and life saving. I hesitate to say you have the exact same flavor of ADD+autism as I do because theres a lot of stigma around diagnosis, but understanding my autism specifically has been integral to my ability to survive and heal. I especially encourage you to look into how autism and OCD overlap. Also, I have been following you for years now. I have a deeply genuine and intense admiration for your autistic swag. Your passion and skills are breathtaking. You are one of my favorite artists. The horrors are endless but. we stay silly.

Oh I'm on anxiety, OCD, and ADHD medication all together because for ADHD I use atomoxetine which isn't a stimulant, so I can still take the other medications and they have the intended effect.

But also I know that ADHD symptoms and medication can have a lot of varying effects from person to person, so stimulants may be all that works for some and in that case yeah, the stimulants can screw with other meds unfortunately.

And regarding how much gender affirming care can effect you psychologically: oh man, yeah, that's the wild card and also the most wholly exciting concept for me. The thought maybe some of my constant miasma of anxiety could just go away...life could be dream...

And thanks! But I'm pretty sure I'm not autistic? I've looked into it several times and I just truly don't think I have enough of the symptoms? But you are now the second person to assume I'm autistic... 🤨

There is at least one person in my family who Im preeeetty sure is autistic, POSSIBLY two, so maybe I come off that way just because that perspective is different from mine but still super normal to me & I try to take it into account when I communicate?????? shrug!!!

but also WAUGHH THANK YOU IM GLAD YOU LIKE MY STUFF‼️‼️ 🥺💚 IT'S AN HONOR 🫡

[rubbership]

How do you feel about having alters? What are your thoughts on final fusion?

its conflicting. i'm someone who believes in like radical acceptance of unchangable traits, and alters are something that are an aftermath of something i can't change. i think personally, i don't mind it. i feel like it helps giving me perspective into things most people wouldn't think about, i also think it helps me creatively and overall it IS a pretty handy coping mechanism. but it effects my social life so negatively due to ableism and misconceptions about the disorder and how it effects my life as someone who is disabled and severely traumatized, i feel like even people who are well meaning are mislead because of how awful the common idea of DID is. the fact that a lot of people don't even understand WHY its called DID (an identity disorder where your whole entire existence is affected by dissociation there for you were never able to develop an identity to begin with) instead of multiple personality disorder effects the way its viewed so much. i feel like people go into talking about it and knowing about it in such a fantastical way that it sets people up with the disorder for failure, and it really really pisses me off. so i guess a lot of my feelings are, it's a disability like any other, i've been diagnosed with PTSD for most of my life so it really is no different to me, i have been specifically diagnosed with CPTSD since i was 13 so. none of this is new in a way, just another phase of having PTSD from childhood, and that's something i've already familiarized myself so much with that most of my issues come from other people NOT being familiarized with it.

my thoughts on final fusion is that i think maybe that might be the correct answer for some people but has never been something i've considered for myself. i'm sure its possible, i believe that. i don't relaly know what opinions i have to give though, it kind of feels like passing to me. i just want system functionality enough to be able to be the person in real life that i want to be, and once i'm able to reach that however i get there will be ok. i'm not someone who ever is attempting to reach the "ideal" of something, i dont really feel the need to be less autistic or less gnc or less plural as long as its not hurting me and im able to take the steps to get where i want to be. i like a lot of my alters and i like being able to talk to them and even if i were to do a final fusion, i'm still autistic. i'm going to be someone who spends a lot of time by themselves regardless, because i like it that way, and i dont see anything wrong with having seperate parts as long as it isn't interfering with whatever youre doing, and i feel like mine help my art a lot. so. but also you know. there are people whos parts are actively malicious towards them or are not as like ~benevolet~(?) as mine. i think theres a lot of grey areas. even without DID, i'm autistic and i'm psychotic and both og those disorders predispose you to maladaptive daydreaming and delusional thinking. imagining a me without alters is like imagining a me without autism, it's unrealistic and doesn't benefit anyone so i dont really do it.

[slymewitch]

Christmas Carol autism rant

Honestly of all the stories and songs and such that get oversaturated during christmas, I unironically enjoy how many versions of A Christmas Carol there are. Not only because its a good story in general, but because unlike something like Rudolph, every single version has a uniqueness to them. The simplicity of the plot allows for so much messing around with the setting, the timeline, the mood, its all so malleable. And then there are the characters. Scrooge, Marley, and the ghosts specifically are all fairly simple archetypes, but because of their simplicity, each variant of the story can expand on said archetypes however they want, heck they can even completely zigzag the archetypes and put something completely different in the slot of one of the characters. Especially for the ghosts. Usually they’ll just go with the archetypes of angel, santa, death, but every single version gives the trio their own flavor. An angel can be a lot of things, like a girl, or a candle, or a dirty taxi driver, or the Eleventh Doctor. But Scrooge himself is probably the most interesting. Compared to the other characters in the story, he’s the one that changes the least between each adaptation on the surface. Grumpy old man, hates christmas, greedy, bad childhood, bad friends, bad breakup, the works. These guidelines are mostly unflinchingly rigid, but the exact brand of bitterness, and the details of the events, are left up to whoever’s writing. My favorite version by far though is unironically the Muppets version. Unlike most other adaptations, Scrooge doesn’t seem that hateful in that version. He still does the same greedy and evil crap as the other Scrooges, but he isn’t as angry as the rest are. You don’t get the impression that he hates anyone, and he seems more depressed than anything else. Even when he outright says that poor people should die, he just sounds done. Like he’s only saying it because he doesn’t care enough to filter what he says. And of all other Scrooge’s he’s the most willing to change. When he’s shown his past he immediately brightens up upon seeing simpler, more familiar times. When hes with the ghost of christmas present and sees the cratchets and his nephew, he makes the least wisecracks of any other Scrooge, and seems genuinely hurt by how lowly people think of him. And when yet to come arrives, he goes with him willingly, knowing that this is something he must face if he wants to be saved. Oh yeah, if you can’t tell, the muppets version is my favorite, the Marleys scene solidified Statler and Waldorf as my favorite muppets and is easily the highlight of the movie for me. But for some close contenders, George C Scott’s version is definitely the creepiest version Ive ever seen and it gives a lot more context about Scrooge’s life than most others. The Ghost of Christmas present is surprisingly intimidating, and dear GOD yet to come gives me chills. It’s strange how much mileage you can get out of a creaking gate sound effect. The Doctor Who version is also a personal favorite for being both weird and clever at the same time. Weird because its on an alien planet where sharks float in the air and can be used to drive chariots, but still SUPER clever for how it screws around with the story. I dont want to spoil too much, mostly because I want an excuse to not explain how bonkers the story is, but the way they mess with the “past present and future” theming is genius, because of course it was this is doctor who we’re talking about. And of course theres Spirited which is also extremely clever with how it messes with the story, but is also just really fun and charming to watch.

I’ve already written so much that I do not have the energy for a well written conclusion so uh, my point is that Christmas Carol adaptations are awesome despite the fact they probably shouldn’t be, and um…stay hydrated!