#i dont know if i should keep deleting these posts or if that may seem weird too

[ganondoodle]

cried a little bit, feeling less overwhelmed and just generally ... numb and pessimistic now ... im sorry i keep doing this

[mrs-monaghan]

I need advice, please, you never answer my asks, even though you do with tkkrs spewing lies and hate. Please, I used to love every Jikook interaction, but since a while ago, I can't do it without thinking about how 99% of the fandom are tkkrs and hate JM. I want to enjoy their moments like you do, but it hurts so much to see all the hate JM receives. Sometimes I wonder if JK is worth it...like JM would be free if he dated someone else...tkkrs only want JK to be TH's sex toy, and if JM is with someone else, at least we could enjoy Jikook even if it's them just being friends. Or JK could shut tkkrs up sometime and try to defend Jimin...I gave up on TH confirming Jennie, he's a coward and doesn't want to lose his fans (tkkrs), so he's going to keep doing fanservice namedropping JK everytime he needs it... please, what is your secret? how can I enjoy jkk again? why are there so many people that believe JK is TH's boyfriend if JM is the one he loves? really, everything is so frustrating. Poor JM, I'm tired

Maybe I dont answer your asks because you say things like "maybe Jimin should find someone else" Matter of fact, let it be known to everyone: I delete all such asks. Or any asks that sound remotely like anti JK. Jimin loves who he loves. He is head over heels for this man. Get with the programme or move the fuck on. Coz your fav aint never gonna drop JK just coz u want him to. And I personally figure that is common sense. So anytime I get an ask saying JK doesn't deserve Jimin I don't even finish reading that shit. I delete. So I'm sorry you're upset anon, but if this is how u talk everytime then that's why I have never answered u.

That being said, anon pointed out how I have time to reply to antis n tkkrs. I'm sure some of u who have sent me good Jikook asks probably wonder the same thing. Why does she reply to them but hasn't answered my ask from months ago? This is a fair question. Apart from my current situation 🤰🏽 I may not have time sometimes. And some of your asks require research. Some of your asks are so good they deserve time and thought put into them. Meanwhile insulting a piece of vermin or an anti is easy. I don't have to think when talking smack to these assholes. I don't need to research anything. Plus its very satisfying and takes 0 effort on my end. So that's why it seems like I prioritise them.

Answering a good ask and answering it properly, could take all day sometimes. As much as I love doing it, it requires a lot of time and effort. So yeah, incase any of u was frustrated about how u sent a good ask a long time ago and yet I seem to have time for antis, thats why. That, and people who send links. Those asks are easy n take no time at all.

I'm sorry guys. Really.

But anon, u asked for advice on how to enjoy Jikook moments despite the existence of tkkrs.

I will start by taking you back to this post I made when all hell broke loose that one time. It is incredibly important that people remember: your feelings are not Jimin's. This is the man who in 2018 was sent a death threat and he said that Armys were more worried about this person than he was. That he was alright and that no one should worry.

Quickly, lets pay attention to this part one more time

His fans were more concerned than he was. I do believe this to be the case 1000% right now too. You are more worried about the vermin than he is. You are more worried about Jikook antis, than he is. He doesn't care. If he cared he would pull away from JK. If he cared we wouldn't be getting a Jikook documentary. If he cared why would be continue providing Jikook content despite knowing some people will not receive it very well??? Despite knowing there are people who wanna kill him for hanging with JK?

If he cared we would be starved for moments on official content. He would keep away from JK if antis were affecting him. Period. There is no "poor Jimin." He's more than okay.

Anon, my advice is to keep this in mind. This is what I do. Jimin doesn't care, so neither do I.

So instead I laugh at them and mock them because they are just wasting their time and energy. No amount of hate and death threats are gonna stop Jimin from loving those he loves. And this is the truth.

Plus, why be concerned with people who believe members hate each other? Like in what world does that make sense?? Anon, you have seen the fuckery i share on this blog. These people are brainless and stupid. As we speak they claim that wasn't JK with Jimin in Tokyo. How can u take such people seriously??? I know I don't. I can't. For me to even consider the shit coming out of your mouth you have to make sense and tkkrs dont make any fucking sense.

So my advice, this is up to you and you only. Its is up to u to treat these people like the mental cases they are; by not taking them seriously. Report, block and move on. Go watch a happy Jimin compilation or something. If u can't take the hate, then unfollow all report pages, mute key words, stay on the clean side of twitter. Believe u me, it exists. Curate your timeline anon, it is possible. Even on twitter.

I promise you Jimin does not care. He used to but he sure as hell doesn't anymore. You remember this crucial part, and you will be able to enjoy Jikook in peace.

Plus, if you've been paying attention to JK, you will notice he doesn't feed tkkrs. He really doesn't. Not like in the past. And the dude has made it clear he doesn't like them... not even a little bit. And can u blame him? Look at you and how u feel. Now imagine JK, Jimin's boyfriend seeing this hate. Imagine how he feels. You can tell he ain't about tkkrs. Especially this year. Even they know it and so they rely on V for tkk content. (Denying them moments is the most JK can do. Interfering or trying to shut them up wouldn't work. If it didn't work with V, twice, it won't work with JK either)

This is the only advice I can give u. Hope u heed it. Because no one deserves their BTS experience taken away from them. Xoxo

[snowyvoid]

Hi! You made a really good post about how Gordon should be written as more fucked up/morally questionable more often which I really agree with! Your post mainly focused on the perspective of hlvrai as a real functioning world, but even if you take into account the idea that he's a guy playing a video game he's...still kind of morally weird? Like he never tells ANYONE it's a game of his own volition, it takes Coomer trying to murder him and then spelling out that he knew before the finale for Gordon to admit it to him and the Gnome knew from the start. Providing the ACAB stream now seems to be noncanon, he never tells Bubby, Tommy, Benrey, anyone the truth of his existence. He is lying to them throughout the whole series under the pretense of 'not fucking up the ai' (said in the intro to the first stream) even when they begin to question their environment.

Then in HLAGE, he is clearly shown to care about the Gnome, but not enough to 'save' him. He still wants to complete the video game, he still wants to win, and even if he feels bad about it, he still goes through the motions of ending the challenge. The implication seems to be that he kinda views the Gnome as lesser/less tangible/less important than 'real' people and his affection doesn't really constitute viewing them as equals or worth putting in effort to save. Which seems to be an important trait, since based on the hl2vrai trailer it would seem he didn't come back for the science team like Coomer asked him to.

oh my god!!!!! this!!! this!!!!! he is basically the equivalent of a god to these AI, he controls their ability to think and exist, and he just. god, i dont know how to explain it. it makes me think of monika from ddlc maybe, how she's dependent on the player, and the players want to interact with her. she simply Does Not exist when you are not playing her game. and you, the player (and the equivalent of gordon/the guy playing hlvrai in this metaphor), obviously cannot play the game at all times and keep the dialogue going, but there is. a need to do so depending on your opinions on monika. once an AI becomes aware does it become human and have human needs?? coomer very much so seems to have become at least contextually "human", feeling pain when the game gets turned off, basically being a tamagotchi, etc etc.

but even then does humanity denote whether you deserve to be treated with care??? i have way too many thoughts about all of this.

i feel like gordon/the player probably would not take everything that the science team says seriously. i mean, going back to the ddlc metaphor, after playing the game (if you did), did you ever go back after you finished it? or did you end up getting the proper ending and deleting monika's files? did you do all the things you were supposed to, because yes, obviously it is just a game. monika is not actually a sentient AI and cannot feel. she is just code written that way. and maybe gordon thinks that that's as far as the science team's consciousness goes. it's just a game, they cannot ACTUALLY feel pain, they're just coded to act sentient, etc etc. gordon (probably) does not actually realize the level of sentience and feeling the science team has. maybe he does put them into some nice little game after hlvrai, but then again. He'd probably just never open the game again.

the gnome is probably a prime example of the way a human would react if they were left inside of a game, aware but not existing, and left alone for years. the science team was really fucking nice to gordon despite their awareness.

this post is about the fictional player/gordon. this is not about wayne. obvious point to make but i feel like somebody may get confused.

the mentions of ddlc are very affected by the fact that i played that game when i was WAY too young and felt so fucking bad about leaving monika alone, which lead to me playing the game almost daily for months and never deleting her file (partially due to me not actually knowing how to delete files but. the other reason is more important now.) i have autism and it makes me care VERY much about inanimate/nonhuman objects. i feel bad for the science team, okay.

basically, gordon is morally grey because Oh My God he's an awful person to these AI, but also wouldn't you do the same thing? wouldn't you just close the game thinking "oh yeah that's just how the characters are coded. lol they'll be fiiiine" and not have any second thoughts? and is gordon a bad person for doing that same thing with a modded half-life? yes and no.

hlvrai is the AI forgiving gordon for leaving them alone, hlage is the AI hating gordon for leaving them alone. and i think thats why the gnome has more presence in (the players) reality? like, the gnome wants gordon to know and feel exactly what he felt. whereas the science team, obviously excluding the coomer and benry boss fights, never really thought to HATE hate gordon. the science team is monika from ddlc and the gnome is AM from i have no mouth but i must scream. (this point also connects to an idea i have about haunted houses/homes. a haunted house is a house that hates you, a home is a house that loves you. barely connect but. it's a cool idea to add i guess??)

bleh. i cannot put all of these thoughts in order, and it's really hard to entirely explain what i mean. i hope this suffices??? thank you so much for the ask though. i really appreciate being able to talk about my interests with others lol. in conclusion, i really want to make character designs for the science team after they have been left to rot for a while in half-life. maybe they would grow mold or something.

(post that was mentioned at the start of the ask)

[morgsdrew]

tldr at the end i think this is pretty annoying to read idk its in red

normally i wouldn't send this kinda stuff but honestly the ever changing list of reasons you dislike/like having me interact is making it really hard to decide whether to send one of those character interaction things .

because if you're fine with me then it's good to send it because you want interactions and i like writing but if you don't like me then if i send it you'd just be irritated and i wouldn't be able to tell

because you obvs haven't confirmed or denied such things considering the list was made by my brain which i wrote down to try and rationalise

not trying to bring down your mood or anything just giving context for the question im about to ask

is it like weird or annoying or clingy if someone keeps like sending you stuff about morgan or just like interacting with you

i dont want to do that if it is you get what i mean

because it feels like you don't like me but at the same time it could be anxiety speaking and i don't want to like put assumptions on you

but at the same time i don't want to assume that you're fine with me and then have it turn out i've been annoying all this while

idk why i'm typing this because even if you did dislike me / my characters people don't usually just say that kinda stuff to people's faces

this is like the tenth? time i've revised this ask it should not be this long (very sorry for that /gen )

are there like interactions that annoy you so like i can avoid that i guess /genq

please like feel free to ignore this i mean something this long in your inbox is probably also pretty annoying i guess it just felt like i should clarify things but at the same time what if this makes me annoying

i should probably stop like revising this ask every time i do it i feel the need to clarify more like at first it really really formal but it felt too not genuine but if i send like this what if you can tell who i am and then think i'm making things up for pity points or something and what if you didn't dislike me but now you do because of this and its getting really long i am so sorry

TLDR: are there like any forms of interaction that annoy you like ,,. someone interacting with your blog too much or something because i'd like to avoid annoying you and a bunch of miscellaneous stuff that i don't dare to delete because what if you want the context to this question or something but

yeah please feel free to delete this or something i don't know i've been pondering over sending something like this for days who knows how long which may make me seem weird i don't know i just need to know if i should or shouldn't interact i guess ? sorry

i feel like this is like about some asks i haven’t replied to (or won’t reply to) so here are the reasons why i don’t

i have no clue how to reply (this is like … the major reason and the biggest reason)

some people have sent asks like their character & mine have interacted before… when they haven’t… so i dont reply to that bc… how will i when i dont know where their relationship stands ifykwim?

asks that just says “hi” or something along the lines of that .. IM SORRY I JUST ?? idk i don’t vibe w it bc i love interactions w flavour you know?

connected to number 1; i have no clue how to reply because i don’t get it (and maybe the reason why i don’t get it because the ask is like the one in number 2 or i’m just slow as fuck)

i guess that’s all ?? should’ve clarified that i’m more comfortable doing novella with people i know / morgan has an actual relationship with — if you want that, interact with her posts (then again, it didn’t mean i will reply because of the reasons above)

i do try to formulate replies but in the end it’s just turns into an ugly writing that i give up .

[terraliensvent]

guys i think civ isnt satan (edit: they lied)

EDIT: please see this post, civ played everyone like a fiddle and blatantly lied about having nothing to do with the pet species deletion. keeping this og post up to show how dedicated they were to painting their narrative

so, a few screenshots relating to their bulletin were given to me (you can see my initial thoughts here)

now as with all breaking news there are revisions to be made with new info

(all screens can be found in this imgur gallery, may be out of order because imgur is dummy stupid)

so it turns out, civ and coy actually werent contacted prior to the decision. i do agree this could have been handled differently and there should have been more of a discussion around it, HOWEVER im more inclined to the side of current terra staff. for one, they came to the decision of one adopt every two months for each staff member as compensation for their work on the team. their reasoning for cutting down coy and civ's amounts is to be fair to everyone especially considering coy and civ arent actively working on the species anymore. i dont necessarily agree with the decision to cut customs though, since people have to actively seek them out for that and its more akin to a comm service. i also want to note that i can understand why terra staff wouldnt want to negotiate about the number of adopts with civ and coy, considering that this is how it went last time

you can see in the imgur screens the original terms, notably that civ and coy collectively were allowed to make 12 adopts a month. i can see how it would be seen as unfair to not be able to be compensated as much as the people who left the place to die.

throughout the screens it seems civ is being a lot more reasonable, i think more discussion should have been had with them and after introspecting, it probably wasnt right for them to be banned, however, i dont see why they couldnt just be unbanned. i think that theyre getting lumped in with coy severely here and truthfully that isnt fair to them. i dont know how i would go about the downgrade from 6 to 2, but what i do know is they were being pretty polite about it

coy on the other hand...

throughout the screens they just seem to keep throwing salt into the wound, working through loopholes and being petty just for the sake of it. their behavior i would argue is still deplorable, and their unwillingness to work constructively is probably the reason why they and civ werent included in the discussion. ive gone over coy a million times before, these screens just keep hammering the point home

besides that, there are a couple other things to note:

Tycho's lack of presence

Tycho (furthermore referred to as cal) diverting the discussion to others is something that has happened before, and can be a point of criticism against him, but honestly my personal opinion is that shit happens sometimes. cal has very valid reasons to want to pull away from the discussion, especially with the myo compensation event he seems to be giving his best despite the situation. i am willing to give cal a lot of leeway when it comes to being stressed because we have seen the work that he and his team are putting in. i mean ffs we already have new pet species concepts not even a day after the old ones were removed. hes got a lot on his plate, and coys un-reasonability and demanding things be done NOW would drive anyone crazy even if they werent already dealing with species AND irl responsibilities. you could argue that cal shouldnt be in a place of ownership if he cant take the heat which is a valid criticism, however i think that hes a fine owner, good even, its just that these situations keep popping up one after another and he just cant keep up. these arent things that normal species owners deal with

"disgusting"

so regarding these screens (because i know some civ/coy whiteknights are gonna try and use it to excuse all their actions)

listen, was it the most professional way to respond? no. but also: (assuming it was cal who said these) i would argue this is a totally valid argument. granted, probably not to be directed at civ, but still valid. if i was dealing with the same continued problems from people who arent supposed to even be a part of the project anymore, i would have blown my lid way worse. this comment isnt even that egregious to me, its just that civ and coy have created such an echo chamber that any criticism is seen as sacrilege, and given cal's previously mentioned stressors its completely understandable for him to react harshly when they have to deal with coy drilling up his ass and being petty for no reason

civ's final words

the screens speak for themselves here. i do think there are some things to be criticized relating to civs bulletin (particularly comments painting them as this poor sad puppy dog tossed in the rain) but ultimately they are not as much of a villain in this as coy is. best course of action honestly is to just leave them alone, they were pretty professional in the screens and just seem to want to be done with it

final verdict? coy is an ass. civ kind of isnt. it could have been done differently but i really understand why it wasnt. cal needs a break. new mods are still doing good in my eyes.

and terravent fans eat good tonight

[gavisuntiedboot]

He did follow letstalkpalestine, not eye.on.palestine. You should be able to find screen recordings on tiktok but I saw for myself before he unfollowed and it made me quite happy NGL. He met Noah Schnapp after the October 7th events, (I dont rmb the exact date) and immediately unfollowed letstalkpalestine either the day of, or a day after I don't remember when exactly I double checked. But yeah he did follow letstalkpalestine for A WHILE might I add but I guess noah spewed bullshit and it got to his head. I saw the following and then the unfollowing but I think your best bet would be screen recordings before and after on tiktok or IG.

Lewis on the other hand has in the past publicly supported Palestine. And Verstappen's wife, Kelly, posts a lot about Gaza and the West Bank as a whole. and I don't think she would be allowed to do that if Max didn't agree or could get in trouble as something like this can greatly hurt his public image.

Pep Guardiola's daughter has been posting since October 7th in support of Palestine and has not stopped since. She also would probably be discouraged if Pep did not share similar values or was scared of backlash.

Gavi's aunt said what Motaz posts on instagram should be censored as it is too graphic but that she wants peace at the end. Not sure what any of that means. Gavi's alleged girlfriend follows a GIANT and very popular Zionist influencer.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write all this out dear <3

I remember when I personally went and checked he was following the account that was widely circulated on TikTok. I tried to go back and look but the post I saw was deleted. I personally am not going to say that Leclerc is a Zionist. I’m not going to say he supports Palestine either. Right now it’s really a big question mark and only time will tell. I know that N*ah S*hnapp is a partner of APM Monaco, and I believe that was the reason for them being seen together, but again I could be wrong.

Personally, I do not contribute monetarily to Charles or Ferrari, seeing as their merchandise is made by Puma, which is a pro Israeli brand. So I will be monitoring until the start of the next F1 season to make a determination.

Lewis has been vocal even recently about his support of the Palestinian people, which in happy about because he is vocal about lord of social issues. I actually didn’t follow Kelley before this because of the shady (ie racist) reputation of her family, but I began following her after I saw all the posts she was making.

I think that in terms of formula 1 drivers it’s tricky, because the FIA has been trying to keep everyone tight lipped about politics. I think that for right now, the best I can hope from from that demographic of people is to not be pro Zionist. I’m aware the bar is in hell but it has to be somewhere.

For footballers, esp people like Gavi, I don’t think it’s fair to hold them accountable for the actions of their family members and people who they have been “rumored” to date. Like I wouldn’t want to be judged for something my aunt said. I think the best I can hope for is to see pro Palestinian sentiment at one point, but my bar for cancellation in full effect is if they’re pro Zionist. I know that May seem weak willed of me, but I’m trying. I honestly am.

[icewindandboringhorror]

maybe is very Bigg Nerd of me but I absolutely love when it gets to this time of year and I sit down and reorganize my goals, write up a new schedule, make a to-do list for the next year, discard/donate everything I’m not using, etc. etc. It’s jost.. Refreshinge.. despite the fact that no matter how much planning I do I’m always going to have functioning issues and other factors inhibiting me lol, it’s still like, Well Hey At Least I’m Trying, And I Love To Organize Shelves Babey

[dirk-has-rabies]

Gender variance and it's link with neurodivergency

Okay so this is it going to be another long one

All quotes will be sourced with a link to the scientific journal I took it from

Okay Tumblr, let's talk gender (I know, your favorite topic) my preface on why this topic matters to me is: I'm autistic ( diagnosed moderate to severe autism) I'm nonbinary trans ( in a way that most non-autistic people don't understand and actually look down on)  and I went to college for gender study ( Mostly for intersex studies but a lot of my research was around non-binary and trans identities) I will be using the term autism as pants when I have experience with however when ADHD is part of the study I will use ND which stands for neurodivergent and yes this is going to be about xenogenders and neopronouns.

autism can affect gender the same way autism can affect literally every part of an identity. a big thing about having autism is the fact that it completely can change how you view personhood and time and object permanence and gender and literally all types of socially constructed ideas. let me also say hear that just because Society creates and enforces an idea does it mean that it doesn't exist to all people it just me that there is no nature law saying that it's real and the “rules” for these ideas can change and delete and create as time and Society evolves and changes.  gender is one of those constructs.

Now I'll take it by you reading this you know what transgender people are  (if you don't understand what a trans person is send me an ask and I'll type you up a pretty little essay lmao,  or Google it but that's a scary thought sense literally any Source or website can come up on Google including biased websites so be careful I guess LOL) anyway to be super basic trans people are anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at Birth (yes that includes non-binary people I could do a whole nother essay about that shit how y'all keep spreading trying to separate non-binary people from the trans umbrella)  some people don't like to use the label and that is totally fine by the way.

now autistic people to view the world in a way differently than allistic (neurotypical) ppl do.  we don't take everything people teach us at 100% fact and we tend to question everything and demand proof and evidence for things before we can set it as a fact in our brains. This leads to why a lot of autistic people are atheist (although a lot of religions and this is not bashing on religious people at all I am actually a Jewish convert)  this questioning leads to a lot of social constructs being ignored or not understood At All by a lot of autistic people and personally I think that's a good thing.  allistics take everything their parents and teachers and schools teach them as fact until someone else says something and then they pick which ones to believe. autistic people study and research and learn about a topic before forming an opinion and while this may lead to them studying and believing very biased material and spitting it out as fact it can also lead them to try and Discover it is real by themselves.

because of this autistic people are more question their gender or not fall in a binary way at all as the concept of gender makes no sense to a lot of us. “ if gender is a construct then autistic people who are less aware of social norms are less likely to develop a typical gender identity”

no really look: “ children and teens with autism spectrum disorder ASD or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder ADHD  are much more likely to express a wish to be the opposite sex compared with their typical developing peers” That was posted in 2014. we have been saying this stuff forever but no one wants to listen. the thing is gender variance (being not cisgender or at least questioning it)  has always been closely hand-in-hand with autistic and ADHD people I'm even the doctor who did that study understood right away that it all made sense the whole time: “ Dr. Strang said they were initially surprised to find an overrepresentation of gender variance among children with ADHD. However, they later realized that prior studies have shown increased levels of disruptive behavior and other behavioral problems among young people with gender variance”  SEE YOURE NOT WEIRD YOURE JUST YOU AND YOURE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!

5% autistic people who did the study were trans or questioning. it was also equal between the Sexes fun fact. that may not seem like a lot till you realize that the national average is only .7% that's literally over 700% higher than the national average. That's so many! and that's just in America.

 in Holland there was a study in 2010 “ nearly 8% of the more than 200 Children and adolescents referred to a clinic for gender dysphoria also came up positive on a assessment for ASD” they weren't even testing for ADHD so the numbers could be even higher!

now I want to talk about a  certain section of the trans umbrella that a lot of autistic people fall under called the non-binary umbrella. non-binary means anything that isn't just male or just female. it is not one third gender and non-binary doesn't mean that you don't have a gender. just clearing that up since cis people keep spreading that. non-binary is an umbrella term for any of the infinite genders you could use or create. now this is where I'm going to lose a bunch of you and that's okay because you don't have to understand our brains or emotions To respect us as real people. not many allistics can understand how we see and think and relate to things and that's okay you don't have to understand everything but just reading about this could be so much closer to respecting us for Who We Are from you've ever been and that's better than being against us just for existing.

now you might have heard of my Mutual Lars who was harassed  by transmeds for using the term Autigender (I was going to link them but if it gets traction I don't want them to get any hate)  since a lot of people roll their eyes at that  and treated them disgustingly for using a term that 100% applied correctly.  Autigender  is described as " a neurogender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic or when one's autism greatly affects one's gender or how one experiences gender. Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one's autism and one's experience of gender cannot be unlinked.” Now tell me that doesn't sound a lot like this entire essay I've been working on with full sources…..

xenogenders and neopronouns are a big argument point on whether or not people “believe” in non binary genders but a big part of those genders is that they originated from ND communities and are ways that we can try to describe what gender means us in a way that cis or even allistic trans people just can't comprehend or ever understand. Same with MOGAI genders or sexualities. A lot of these are created as a way to somehow describe an indescribable relationship with gender that is so personal you really cant explain it to anyone who isnt literally the same as you.

Even in studies done with trans autistic people a large amount of them dont even fall on a yes or no of having a gender at all and fall in some weird inbetween where you KINDA have a gender but its not a gender in the sense that others say it is but its also too much of a gender so say youre agender. And this is the kind of stuff that confuses allistic trans people and makes them think nonbinary genders are making stuff up for attention, which isnt true at all we just cant explain what it feels like to BE a trans autistic person to anyone who doesnt ALREADY know how it feels.

In this study out of the ppl questioned almost HALF of the autistic trans individuals had a “Sense of identity revolving around interests” meaning their gender and identity was more based off what they liked rather than boy or girl. That makes ppl with stuff like vampgender or pupgender make a lot more sense now doesnt it? We see that even in the study: “My sense of identity is fluid, just as my sense of gender is fluid […] The only constant identity that runs through my life as a thread is ‘dancer.’ This is more important to me than gender, name or any other identifying features… even more important than mother. I wouldn't admit that in the NT world as when I have, I have been corrected (after all Mother is supposed to be my primary identification, right?!) but I feel that I can admit that here. (Taylor)” and an agreement from another saying “Mine is Artist. Thank you, Taylor. (Jessie)” now dont you think if they grew up with terms like artistgender or dancergender they would just YOINK those up right away????

In fact “An absence of a sense of gender or being unsure of how their gender should “feel” was another common report” because as ive said before in this post AUTISTIC PEOPLE DONT SEE GENDER THE WAY ALLISTIC PEOPLE SEE IT. therefore we wont use the same terms or have the same identities nor could we explain it to anyone who doesnt already understand or question the same way! Participants even offered up quotes such as “As a child and even now, I don't ‘feel’ like a gender, I feel like myself and for the most part I am constantly trying to figure out what that means for me (Betty)” and also “I don't feel like a particular gender I'm not even sure what a gender should feel like (Helen)”

Now i know this isnt going to change everyones minds on this stuff but i can only hope that it at least helped people feel like theyre not broken and not alone in their feelings about this. You dont have to follow allistic rules. You dont have to stop searching inside for who you really wanna be. And you dont have to pick or choose terms forever because just as you grow and evolve so may your terms. Its okay to not know what or who you are and its okay to identify as nonhuman things or as your interests because what you love and what you do is a big part of who you are and shapes you everyday. Its not a bad thing! Just please everyone, treat ppl with respect and if you dont understand something that doesnt make it bad or wrong it just means its not for you. And thats okay.

[the-bjd-community-confess]

More Divaz confos

Mod: Round two of these, previously: link. There’s some interesting customer reviews in this batch (5 and 8) which may be useful to readers.

1.Vic3mage "the secret bjdivaz vip group is just pictures of boxes coming in and going out". Yeah, between the bitching about d0llshe, asking people to post on doa for them, dunking on ex-customers, posting pics of random doll parts that they can't identify which doll they're supposed to go with, whining about how little money they make, whining when ppl e-mail them, whining. Yeah, other than that it's just boxes, and alpacas u can buy off amazon anyway lol.

~Anonymous

2.The butthurt users crying and guilttripping under every Divaz confession who have never been seen before elsewhere on this blog are extremely unsuspicious and unproblematic and definitely unconnected to Divaz and unbiased in every possible way

/s

~Anonymous

3.idk shit abt bjd1vas but v1cemage i can absolutely tell you the shit about ch0o is 100% accurate, fucker's got a long, long history of being an awful little man that stretches well beyond his involvement in the doll community. between the two i'd still trust bjd1vas over ch00 ch00 the fool any day!

~Anonymous

4.The Z3st and Div4s thing is really silly and both entities were being shady but did they really have to take the DZ waiting room down with them? :( He had even made a separate thread about it......

~Anonymous 

5. RE: BJD Divaz

I’ve been a customer of BJD Divaz since they first started, when it was only run by Chart3rline. I even contacted other BJD companies trying to persuade them to work with Divaz as their US representative. Most declined because they didnt like D's commission fee, but I was able to persuade a few of them.

I asked them to purchase a doll off DOA because I couldnt afford the asking price, and while they did, I found out later that instead of agreeing to purchase the seller's price, they negotiated the price to be lower. This significantly cheaper price was not passed down to me. I paid the full price +the commission fee based on that full price. I am disappointed I was not told this. This is when I stopped viewing them as a "friend" and instead, as a business. I dont hold this against them, it’s context to what Im going to say later.

I’ve stopped purchasing from D after my recent order from them. This company usually takes 3 or less months to make a doll. I’ve ordered the doll from D and it took 11 months. They let me know it arrived to them in March and that it will be shipped soon, except it only shipped on July, and only after I sent them several "reminder" emails. Before people in the comments try to put the blame on me for not sending a reminder soon, please keep in mind that I acknowledged the email in March and confirmed everything and they keep stressing to not send them emails because they are busy, I’ve emailed once every month since. I’ve since switched to ACBJD and Ive been happy with communication and the dolls ordered. I imagine ACBJD gets the same amount of emails, but they dont berate their customers if they email more than once.

I regret when people wanted a D0llshe, but not deal with him, I always recommended D. I would warn people of ordering directly and instead go through D. They assured buyers they would be handling communication and all the efforts so they wouldnt worry, except they didn’t. A person that I’ve recommended D to, who surpassed 2 years, keeps messaging me for help because D wouldnt reply to their emails. She is respectful, sweet and a timid person, not a Karen. This person, emailed D without a reply so would email a week later, only to be told that their email would be pushed down to the bottom if emailed again. No response, so she goes to FB and IG, who both tell her to email because they arent the person running orders. Finally got a response that they would get their refund, after D0llshe sends D's payment, but minus the PP fees. 3 months later and theres no refund, only a promise of them getting it later. Why is the customer missing out on fees when they have no doll? Customer emails d0llshe and he says he cant offer refund, because they didn’t order through them, which is understandable, but when all options are out for a customer, do you blame them for chargebacks?

If anyone files a chargeback, D will be blacklisting them from every company they rep, as in blacklisting you from buying direct from those companies. I urge everyone who has negative experiences with D to email the companies they rep instead of venting on confession blogs, and writing your experiences on social media. Make it count and send letters to the companies they represent, and please provide proof because they will try to make you out to be a liar.

Speaking of, they made vague posts on cl0ver singing for charging paypal fees, and that they offer guarantees as an official dealer, except when offering refunds, to non delivered products I might add, they are keeping the fees, and offered no help with d0llshe, even before they ended their dealership with them. Someone on DOA was told to not email them unless the wait time surpassed 1.5 years. They are even so petty that they post screenshots with the full name and address (dox) of the customer on purpose and then delete it out a day later as if they just realized their "mistake".

Before you try to make excuses for them about the fires, keep in mind, I am dealing with a business. The lower price negotiation with the DOA sale, I am in no way obligated to give them a pass or treat them as a friend when they made it clear that our relationship is strictly business. Their issues, are not my issues. D0lk got dragged for not shipping in time, others, including artisans, got dragged for being so late with communication and sending back refunds for cancelled orders. Why does D get to be exempt?

The supporters are the worst part of this, because of instead of being honest so D can improve, they support them for being "real". For example, look how micemage words it, to make it seem like this criticism is from one person, when there are people on addicts who didn’t have good experience. Check the bjd dealers tag here, you will see the supporters in the comments going off on any and all criticism of D. Some have sane comments, but the majority are cult like and try to identify the person venting as if it’s one person. Addicts deletes threads with criticism asking people to instead direct it to their feedback group; which lets be honest, no one is going to do because its "not that bad", and most dont want to join a new group, which is mostly dead.

This is my first and last confession on D, I’ve emailed each company they rep and told them my experience as well as contacting the 3 month wait company, with screenshots of my order, how they handled it, and the excuse they used to put blame on the company for being so late (package arrived march to D, 4 months to be shipped is on D, not the company). I’m not using company or order details because I know they are petty enough to try to identify me and publicly shame me like they have to others. This and the threat of suing is why not many people like to go public with their experience. They just keep feedback neutral, move on and never deal with again.

~Anonymous

6. Listen, I can't take you seriously in regards to BJD!vas because you're posting on a confession blog. If you were serious, you would have posted in buyer beware groups, DoA reviews or the board to get things resolved, or you would have made a complaint to the BBB. And your language makes you come off more as someone with an agenda rather than someone who is trying to warn people. If shipping is the issue, stop buying with standard shipping and pay the extra price for express shipping. I saw one of you complain that it sat with them for 20 days; that's probably because you're not the only one and they more than likely have a queue to check and then ship out. Do mistakes happen? Yes, because we're human. I've been in this hobby for a few years now and it seems like most people know you're going to have to wait, sometimes even outside the expected wait time. And shipping something as big as a doll is a timely endeavor. I shouldn't have to say that.

My point is simply to stop complaining on an confession board and either take it to the places previously mentioned. Posting here behind the anonymous mask makes you sound like a petulant child who didn't get their way right away.

~Anonymous

7.My only issue with BJD Divaz is how I never get any updates. Every email, they tell me to join their facebook page for status updates. I dont have a FB and I dont want to create one. I bought my doll through their website, updates should be posted on their website, or they could send me an email. That isnt asking much.

~Anonymous

8. Since there seems to be a lot of either "completely negative everything sucks" or "everything was sunshine and rainbows" confessions about bjd!vaz I thought I'd chime in with a neutral review.

PROS

-They were always polite and professional in their emails, and gave me very detailed answers to my questions.

-I got exactly what I ordered, so no mix ups or missing parts or anything like that.

-I think them being forthcoming about personal issues (only one person on staff, illness, the flooding isue etc.) on social media is good, since it keeps customers updated as to why there might be delays.

-If you live in the US their shipping is very reasonable.

CONS

-Reply times were varied. Sometimes it could take over a week, sometimes a couple hours.

-My order took about 10mo which, when comparing to other people who ordered through the same company around the same time, was about 3x as long as if I bought it direct and 2x as long if I had gone through a different dealer. I get some of the waiting time is out of their control, but it was kind of ridiculous.

-They dont necessarily ship the same day they send you a tracking number. I wish they said something like, "Here's your tracking number, our pickup is Xday so it should start moving after that" just so I could be aware.

All in all no major complaints. I got my doll and all that. Their lone employee is clearly overwhelmed. I hope they hire another person, if only to give the one a break.

Truthfully, I most likely won't buy through them again. I'd rather pay the international shipping and go direct, than deal with the extensive wait time. I'd still recommend them to someone looking for a very long layaway, though. I paid in full, but if I had a 12mo layaway I would've never known they weren't ready to ship my doll until month 10.

~Anonymous

[beetleboo]

long post. one i’ve been trying to make for a while now. hell, i wrote this like... third week of may. didn’t post it until now because i didn’t know if I wanted to.

but something i want to lay out, been wanting to lay out for months. dont want to talk to anyone about it, just want to put the info out there for it to be seen.

if you re/blog this i will block you. i may put this on the relevant sideblog at some point.

because 2020 was the worst year on record for me for a number of reasons, and it’s torn me down to the lowest point i’ve been in a long time, and this is just. everything that’s gone down. not a callout post, no one gets named, but these are all the events

partially in relation to my fandom sideblog, because that’s where i had community, and where it’s all just. gone. doesnt exist anymore.

i started up a server, ages ago now. somewhere i curated to be a positive and safe space for things, and for a while, it was that.

around the end of 2019, spilling over to the start of 2020 when it picked up, i found, both on my blog and in discord spaces, in particular the server i ran, that people no longer talked to me. no one would hold a conversation with me past a few basic responses, no one replied to anything i shared, no one engaged when i tried to start discussions. so i pulled back from the main server - S1. thought it was just a lull in activity. stayed that way for weeks, months, and I just muted the server. no one ever cared about anything i had to say. was lucky if anything i posted got even a token emoji react

was in another, smaller server - S2. people i talked to damn near every day, even in voice. played games together - that became... no fun simply because everyone else was so much better/further ahead in the game. i was completely useless, so didn’t server a function in game and never really felt like anyone actively wanted me around, but i still participated in chat.

but again, no one ever responded to anything I posted beyond maybe a token react

couple people discussing something one day. I contributed with Theory A, and quite immediately got that shut down. few minutes later, they rephrased exactly what I said and happily nattered away. so whatever I said wasn’t worth it when it came out of my mouth but if they talked about it, it was all well and valid. so again, between that specific experience and no one interacting with me, nor anything I post. server muted. treatment taught me no one cared about my presence there.

gave admin rights to S1, my server, to someone I trusted. two requests only: dont delete channels and let me know if you want to invite anyone (since I kept it private)

RYE (i’m just assigning random three letter names to people to keep this straight) posted public invites several times. never asked me. one of the two things i asked. brought it up with them that it bothered me, just got vague noncomittal responses. more public invites. eventually, after having the server muted for months, i handed over full control and left. that was almost a full year ago. none of the people have talked to me in that entire year, through discord or here or anything.

except RYE who sent me a message after a couple months like ‘wow i havent heard from you in a while hope you’re doing ok’. i wasn’t. after a bit but still the same day, i said as much. that i wasn’t doing well. they never responded. and i don’t mean like, they didn’t respond that day. i mean i literally never heard from them until months later when they sent me a meme and also didn’t respond to me commenting on that meme.

and this is one side of things. all of the above was the first half of the year. this next bit happened about. march2020? I was in another server - S3. another place that was a good space at the time. was in voice chat with two other people. started talking about one thing. MIN very suddenly said something along the lines of ‘i don’t care about this i’ll come back when you’re done’

this is one of the very few things that can trigger me - i’ve had a lot of people talk down to me if I dare look excited about anything. when they came back, i asked if they could try to just. depart conversations more softly. MIN always said ‘if i do anything hurtful to you just tell me! i dont want to do that kind of thing!’

this was clearly a lie as they exploded on me, telling me they always have to walk on eggshells around me, that I ask so many things from them. before what I asked them that day, I can only recall one other thing i asked (which was not to talk about a person who was abusive towards me, and they were like ‘yea sure np’ about that, over a year prior’)

the whole thing turned into basically me having to shut down the fact that i was hurt by what they did, had to ignore that now and i had to fawn and placate them and the only thing i got out of that was that my feelings were irrelevant, only theirs.

(incidentally, I have had two other people turn on me in similar ways, accusing me of doing shifty/bad/terrible things, and not being willing to tell me what they are when I ask, only saying that ‘i should know what i did’ so that’s also now a Fun New Bit Of Trauma.)

and that entire weeklong event lead me straight to a breakdown. literal genuine breakdown i cannot convey how devastating that entire scenario was without going into far too many details.

so between all of these things happening in less than six months, with three different community spaces folding and collapsing and fading away from me, with many of the friends i thought i had just. moving on to other things and dropping me. people i talked to every day just not bothering with me anymore. they all have gone on to other stuff and no one ever went ‘hey beets wanna see what i’m up to’ or ‘wanna do this thing with me’

a handful of instances of me saying ‘yeah i’m dealing with these fears that have been reinforced lately that people aren’t safe to deal with, even thought part of me knows they’re probably irrational it feels like i have evidence to back it up’ and people immediately take it personally like i’m saying they’re not safe. despite. me outright saying. i know logically it should be irrational. but their reactions just reinforce it so it’s just a loop and tells me, again, never to bring up any of my problems with anyone.

so this all just reinforces that there’s something wrong with me. couple years back i spoke to a friend and how i was frustrated that I seemed to end up in bad spaces and they said ‘well you’re the one thing in common so its probably your fault’ and obviously they’re not my friend anymore but that has affected me so deeply. i can’t do anything without overthinking, whenever anything goes wrong i tear apart everything i’ve done and everything i’ve said or thought and i don’t know why things keep going bad. i try so hard but i’m just. not right.

so it all teaches me that there’s no point in reaching out in trying to talk to people because if i say ‘hey this hurt me’ i get ignored at best or torn down, yelled at, scolded. no point in trying to talk to new people because everyone just walks away at some point. not even a natural drift apart, i can handle that. but just very suddenly, they’re gone, off with better people doing better things.

roundabout, ties back to ‘consumption versus community’ - this is why i’ve been struggling so hard with lack of engagement on my sideblog. lucky to get a dozen notes on anything i make, unless it’s something other people can use (like mods) and even THEN it’s rare to see much activity. and that was FINE because i had people to talk to elsewhere, who would ask questions and we could back and forth and i shared my stuff and they shared those and it didnt matter if my posts only got a dozen notes because i had friends to talk to.

now i get (example) seven notes, six of which are likes and one is a reblog with no commentary. when i have something with a ton of notes, still, minimal commentary, no one talks to me. even on a mod with five hundred notes it just feels like i went ‘hey i made something :)’ and everyone picked it up and walked away with it, no one went ‘hey this is cool i want to talk to the person who made it.’

and it just feels like 95% of the time, i’m just overlooked. 

and it’s worse than it’s ever been in my entire life, and I wonder, what’s the point of any of this anymore.

why bother to make the posts to share when it all just gets passed by. what’s the point in trying to reach out to new people and make friends when i get lashed out at or left behind? the social is gone out of my social media. i had community, and now it’s gone.

so this has all been going on for months and months and months and hey! suffering. and i dont expect it to get any better, don’t expect this post to fix these issues, but i’ve been trying to say something about all of this for fucking months and i think just, laying it all out is all I can do about it. i’m sure i’ve forgotten some things to touch on but as it is, all these events, all of it happening all together. new traumas, old traumas reawoken, reinforced, i’ve been torn to pieces i don’t know how to function, i can’t remember the last time i felt like even half a real person. taught that the safe, positive spaces that meant so much to me don’t actually exist and they’ll all turn on me and be torn away. nowhere is safe anymore, and trying to make it safe is just going to ruin me again.

people aren’t safe, places aren’t safe, been proven to me time and time again so i just. stay away.

no matter how much i try to fight that, it just doesnt work.

anyway tl;dr beets needs therapy probably

[green-roc]

Twitter Return? Probably Not.

The idea I cant trust people is reinforced by Ann Mermmott blocking me in Twitter. She and  were following eachother for years, her tweets announcing her desire to help people like myself. And many delightful conversations were had between us. She was my #1 favorite Twitter account for YEARS!!!! I cant trust people because of this recoccuring rejection by people who say I can tell them anything, people who say they want to help... I cant trust people, and people keep proving to me how I cant trust them no matter if I know them for years, they just suddenly reject me without warning, which hurts me so bad I lose control of myself in PAIN! IT HURTS! I wish Ann would know the damage she has done to me. She claims to help people she describes are people like myself, yet her actions of blocking me without warning or giving me a chance to undo the words I posted tells me otherwise.... her actions towards me do not back up her claims to want to help people like myself. This is me unaware of what the heck I did wrong, and best guess is that the wrong is her... I cant trust what she says anymore. Some people seem shocked when I say I cant trust people, ‘you can trust me’, some say. Nope, cant trust that saying. Why I dont trust people.. they end up hurting me, even after YEARS of knowing them, having no issues, then suddenly whAM! blocked, kicked, rejected, total inability to ask them what did I do wrong.... And I never figure out WHY they blocked me. I wanna know so I can avoid feeling this severely intensely painful rejection again and again. Probably just another human who believes lies about me, misinterpet me, misjudge me, and believe what they believe about me to be true to justify their total rejection of me..... like the dozens of other people who have rejected me, who once said they liked me. Why do I ever care to talk to people with how many times people have ditched me based on stuff that they perceived as wrong, whether or not it was true, and often, they believe things about me that arent true.

If they didnt like something I did, how can I know what I did wrong if they wont ever tell me. “you are too toxic” someone said to me when I asked what I did wrong. what does being toxic even mean huh? I want to do good, I want to be kind, I never want to be mean, how the hell am I toxic???? I cant find what specifics that was toxic from my view. I dont consider myself toxic. I wasnt trying to be toxic, I dont want to do bad! If people wont communicate SPECIFICALLY what wrong WORDS I said...  I may never know what I need to stop doing.

I dont want to hurt anyone. I dont choose to be mean to anyone, but time and time again people keep hurting me and wont ever tell me WHY. WHY block me? WHY? Why do I want to know why? SO I know what I did that I never should ever do again. How can I know what to stop, if people wont tell me specifically what to stop doing. The few who do tell me, they tell me I did something (that I know I didnt do) so I cant stop doing something I didnt do in the first place.

I wish I would get a copy and paste of the exact words I said that led her to block me.... Generalized vague terms (i.e. dramatic, toxic, or a sudden block/ban/kick) dont help me know what to stop doing. I dont want to do bad. I dont want to be blocked by my favorite Tiwtter user!!! Because I didnt know what I said that motivated her to block me... I deleted everything on my Twitter, because gosh I really really like her and want to do right for Ann! But how can I know what wrong I need to stop doing, if no one tells me what I did wrong. I cant ask Ann what I did wrong because she blocked me.

I’m too hurt by her rejection to return to Twitter. Twitter is too much of a painful reminder of a really really severely painful rejection by Ann Mermmott. Ann, you have proven to me you do not practice what you preach. I have been abused and rejected by so many people... I dont know why I ever bother to trust anyone when this painful sudden unexpected rejection keeps happening.

[chibichibisha]

:D OKAY SO!

Introducing: Masayuki Jinja! (and me rambling about what I think he'd think about Yuusa after seeing previous posts and stuff you've made abdbajhdka)

Now this can go one of two ways depending on first impressions, so I'll see how much energy I got and write as much as my brain can come up with if that's cool with ya!

Quick summary - Masayuki has had his fair share of horrible experiences regarding cosmic horrors, cordyceps zombie mushrooms, mishmash tentacle demons of the undead etc. As a result of him being my version of Yuu if they were pulled from the 'World of Horror' game universe. How fun! :D

1 - Good first impressions!

Yuusa definitely has a far better first impression compared to most... Beings... That Masayuki has encountered (if you ignore the lack of lips, but I wouldn't be surprised if he shrugged it off)

And if Introductions go well without revelations of less shrug-off-able traits (cuthulu tentacles or what-have-you) then I can see Masayuki being fairly amicable and calm around Yuusa until he catches wind of what they can sorta do (like with the sandwich). He'll treat them like any of his friends - likely minus the bear hugs and hair ruffles if they're not fond of them the first time he does them.

And with the revelation of the ~wrigglers~, while Masayuki would be significantly more on edge around Yuusa, it would be far less likely that Masayuki will lash out with a swing of his crowbar (a fate bestowed upon those who tried to maim, murder, or possess my favourite man in the past) - although this would only be the case if he's befriended Yuusa since it's a habit born from self preservation at this point,,,

He'll be jumpy around Yuusa at times - but is able to coexist with them if this is the case. And hey, maybe being pals with them could help him with the hypervigilance. Or make it worse. I'm not too sure.

2 - Bad first impressions...

This can happen any number of ways. I doubt that their attitude would lead to them not getting along with Masayuki on meeting - especially given the fact that I get the impression that they could be anarchist buddies (correct me if I'm wrong) - But I'm not sure how they tend to really act when in a bad mood, so I could be wrong. The biggest way I can see this happening, though, is if he sees something like the sandwich incident before meeting Yuusa.

Masayuki's general disposition towards Yuusa would be extremely cautious, and I doubt that he'd be able to sleep, relax, or potentially eat in their presence given how he tends to react to similar presences. It's a 50/50 chance of him picking fight or flight, but if he sees that others get along with Yuusa then chances are hell opt for flight and just keep his distance while being on guard in case anything were to happen.

Given the fact that they're both in the MC/Yuu/Magicless squad (yell at me if I'm wrong my memory is terrible) if we're going off of the game then they'd probably get dumped at Ramshackle together. In this scenario, Masayuki will not sleep until he passes out (don't worry, he can sleep standing up)

Along with that, idk much about Yuusa's eating habits, but I am curious as to what they'd think if they witnessed Masayuki eating a mask made out of pumpkin rind imbued with protective magical energy because he was hungry (I was able to do it in the game he's based off of so, naturally, Masayuki can and will do it as well)

(sorry this is so long/if I made mistakes - I checked through any mentions of Yuusa to make sure I wasn't completely messing up on something that I should/would know, but chances are I may have messed up somewhere so feel free to delete this/correct me if this is too long/if I've made mistakes I hope you have a nice day sjavsisnsosi bye)

OMG I DIDN'T EXPECT SUCH A LONG ASK, HONESTLY DFHFHFG but it's okay, it's okay!! I always like more context than nothing at all!! So this is good, don't worry.

And I think you got it pretty well? As I said, I do not treat Yuusa as my other twst oc's, because Yuusa is not a serious character. The concept and idea in Yuusa is to have them doing weird things in the story, and making the characters uncomfortable about this, because they should treat as a normal magicless human that came from other world, but they are not notmal at all, and it's very hard to overlook or ignore this. They comment things breaking the 4th wall like mentioning why they are designed different than them, or how they are able to appear and reappear like nothing, and yet Yuusa seems to be unfit and without any magic skill at all, and not knowing anything at all. So I think it's very normal that Masayuki would find them unsettling, it's what Yuusa is meant to be.

They would think Masayuki is weird, and jufging him because of this, and be very ironic because Yuusa is the most weird person there after all, somehow this weirdo is not aware of his own aura.

So yeah, I think they wouldn't be enemies or something, they both lean to the more chaotic side so that would help, but I like to picture that they would be horror survivor/inhuman horror spawn dynamic in a not serious context (Because Yuusa is not serious, they do not have a backstory not a reason to be there, they just are there, they exist there even if sometimes they dont want to be aknowledged by the rest). So yeah, maybe not super friends, but they could live under the same roof!

[duhragonball]

Yamcha if you're still doing the character meme?

I am still doing these, and I’m enjoying it, so keep ‘em coming.   Before I start, let me promote the original post, in case anyone else wants to start their own thing.  I’d link to the OP, but I guess they deleted this from their blog, probably because their notifications went nuts.

Give me a character and I will answer:

Why I like them: Let’s be honest, Yamcha doesn’t get a lot of big “hero moments” in Dragon Ball.   Or Dragon Ball Z, or Dragon Ball GT, or Dragon Ball Su-- Look, you get the idea.   In most arcs, he’s the first one to get benched.   In tournaments, he always loses in the first round.   He spent the King Piccolo Saga recovering from a broken leg.    Against the Saiyans, he was the first one to die.  Against the Androids, he was nearly killed and had to sit out the rest of that arc.   In the Buu Sagas he was retired.    In a number of major storylines, he just isn’t there, because no one called him.

But he remains a fixture in the franchise anyway, because he’s always showing up for more.  Let’s take the Buu Saga as an example.   It didn’t surprise me to find out he had retired, mainly from a dramatic standpoint.    There’s a lot of new characters in the Buu arc, and it made sense for some of the older characters to step aside and make room for them.   But he’s still there, because he wants to see Goku one last time, and he wants to hang out with his friends and watch some of them kick the crap out of each other.   It was kind of sad to see him stay behind while the others rushed off to follow the Supreme Kai, but he’s retired, after all.    Also, they didn’t stop to fill him in on what was happening.    I suspect he might have tagged along if they asked.  

As it was, he still ended up getting involved, and he was with the Dragon Team right up until Super Buu cornered them on the Lookout.     And the next time we see him, he’s on the Grand Kai Planet with Krillin, and King Kai seriously considers sending them in to take on Buu in case Goku and Vegeta can’t get the job done.   

And that’s a big deal, because it even comes up in the anime.   King Kai tells them that he arranged for them to keep their bodies as a precaution, but he’s totally in favor of letting them remain on the Grand Kai Planet with all of the other honored warriors, like Goku.  So you start with this desert bandit, a highwayman without a highway, probably because he’s afraid of all the women that use the interstate.   But he gradually overcomes his fears and insecurities, never completely, but just enough to put one foot in front of the other and become a better man.    And finally he ends up receiving a place among the great heroes of old.  

So why doesn’t that get more attention?   You could make a whole epic story out of that, except it’s not Yamcha’s story.  He’s a supporting character.   So the franchise itself tends to play it down.    Even Yamcha doesn’t really take it all that seriously.   I don’t know if that’s modesty or cluelessness or Big Himbo Energy or what, but that’s why it’s so easy for everyone to write him off as a loser or a failure.   They’re overlooking the bigger picture.

The best way to illustrate this is with this TFS short that serves as an epilogue to their DBZ Abridged series.   Yamcha goes back to playing baseball for the Taitans, only to get fired, because he’s so talented that he’s literally broken the game, and no one buys tickets anymore.    But he gets a gigantic severance package, and he still goes down in history as the greatest ballplayer in history.  What always gets to me is that they have to explain to him that this is actually a win.  As his coach puts it, “you do nothing but win.”   

Like Yamcha himself, we often see him from the lens of these insane Dragon Ball adventures, where you have to have glowy hair and a hot cyborg wife to be considered a success.   But to the rest of the world, he’s a jacked up millionaire with fantastic hair, and he’s a real sweetheart.   Who couldn’t like this dude?

Why I don’t: As you may have noticed, I tend to only use this section to talk about why I disliked the characters initially.   I have to think back to 1999 when I was still having trouble keeping track of who’s who.   In particular, I found Yamcha’s presence frustrating because he looked and dressed almost exactly like Goku, but not quite, which seemed bizarre.    Later, I picked up on the context, and it didn’t bother me as much.  

Yamcha does have a bit of an overconfident streak in some situations, which might look like unfounded arrogance, but I think it’s really just his carefree nature and enthusiastic can-do spirit.   He was confident about their chances against the Saiyans, but I don’t think that was him being cocky.   He just knew they had all trained hard and he was stronger than he’d ever been.    But that’s easy for people to jump on as a reason to hate the guy.  

Future Trunks claimed that he fooled around while he was involved with Bulma, but come on.    Does anyone really buy that?    Besides, at best, that would only apply to Future Yamcha, the one who died in the other timeline.   Once Trunks changed the past, all bets were off.

Favorite episode (scene if movie): I’m gonna get a little nuts here and go with TFS’s playthrough of Legacy of Goku I, where they decided to level up Yamcha and have him solo Broly.

Basically, in an RPG game like this, Wolf Fang Fist can do monster damage, so they maxed out Yamcha’s stats to wreck the game’s hidden superboss.  You have to skip to 1:40:00 or so to see the successful attempt, but I loved this video.   This is where I learned to respect the utterance of “Roga... fufuken!”  Broly probably would have respected it, too, except he died from all those hits he took.

Favorite season/movie: You know, that fight with Tien was a classic.   Not sure it’s in my top ten, but it’s on a lot of people’s lists, and I absolutely get that.

Dumb as it may sound, I enjoyed seeing Yamcha in the hospital, wrestling with his own despair as he recuperated from his broken leg.   And when he shows up at the end to congratulate Tien and accepts Tien’s apology, well, like I said, Yamcha has this great character arc, but it’s easy to overlook with everything else that goes on.

Favorite line: I forget which game it was in, maybe Budokai 3, but one of his pre-fight taunts is “Watch this, Puar!  I’m gonna win!”, which always makes me think of Puar sitting just off-camera, watching the action from a little lawn chair.  

Favorite outfit:

I may take some heat for this, but I like the Androids/Cell Saga version of Yamcha, with the short, spiky hair.  This dude’s long, luxurious rockstar ‘do is a national treasure, sure, but I dig this look more.  

Also, I consider Yamcha to be the only guy from the Turtle School who pulls off the slippers and no-blue-undershirt look.   It looks off when I see it on Krillin and Goku, but with Yamcha it just feels right. 

OTP: This guy gets shipped with a lot of people, probably because he’s one of the major characters without an established love interest.   Folks still carry a torch for Bulma, some people ship him with Tien, Frieza hit on him in FighterZ, and I’m still trying to make sense of that.   He flirts with your character in the Xenoverse games.    Years ago, I considered doing something with that, but I’ve fleshed out my OC enough to where I don’t think that fits. 

At the end of the day, I can only see Yamcha getting together with @cozymochi ‘s OC, Marzi.  

Brotp: Tien, Krillin, Goku.  Hell, I always figured Yamcha was one of the few people Vegeta could get along with to some extent.  

I mean, Tien couldn’t stand to be one the same planet as Vegeta, but Yamcha keeps coming over to have hot dogs at Bulma’s place, long after the Namekians have left.  

Head Canon: He’s Luffa’s type, don’t get me wrong.    I just don’t see any room in my fic for a whirlwind courtship.    The stars just don’t align.

Unpopular opinion: I’m not really behind this notion that they should give the humans more stuff to do in future series.   When it comes to supporting characters, sometimes they get phased out, and there’s no point in phasing them back in unless there’s a compelling story idea for them.   

I think it’s dumb how they teased Yamcha in the Tournament of Power prelude, only to leave him out of the tournament itself.    On the other hand, they put Tien on the team and barely used him, which tells me that even if they’d put Yamcha on the team, it wouldn’t have amounted to anything.   

I get it, people love these characters and want to see them used more, but I’d rather have one strong Yamcha story than a hundred non-starters.  And at this point, I think the only thing anyone can do is rely on fan-created content.    Be the change you want to see in the world.

A wish: Crap, it’s after ten pm.    I dunno, I wish Marzi was canon.  

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: I feel like the character’s already been through worse than I could come up with for him.   

5 words to best describe them: Cat loves food, yeah yeah yeah.   That’s six, but who cares?

My nickname for them: Yeah, I don’t have one.

[tylerwritez]

TUESDAY JULY 13 10:42 A.M.

JUDE IS BACK FROM HIS HIATUS!!!!

One thing I think I will no longer be doing is writing down negative feelings and thoughts and... leaving them there. No. Next time I vent, I delete it right after.

If you want something to be sad over, you'll find something. But if you GENUINELY ATTEMPT to be happy, you will be.

So try harder.

Also, my new phone background is a collage thing of me and my friends at Rebecca's house.

I originally did it as this cool way to remember my besties XD but now it also kinda helps my #SelfEsteem because whenever I think my face is ugly, I look at my phone background and I'm like "that's what you look like, no filter, nothing" and it makes me happier because in that background image I just see a boy being stupid with his friends and I sorta smile like "yeah, that IS what I look like, no filter"

I like it cos, those pictures were taken without me doing anyhting to try and look better, so I KNOW that's like. How I REALLY look. And tbh? Not that bad.

I don't even really mind my smile lines anymore. Cos they're from SMILING!!! means I'm a happy guy.

ALSO I THINK I PASS IN MY BACKGROUND? because I'm that kinda of ugly that says "male" yk, especially next to my friends who are girls/nonbinary I just seem so Boy idk its gender... the photo set is very Gender for my face XDDD THIS IS REALLY STUPID

oh well. Positivity only now, babes.

Also! You may have noticed my HIATUs from posting!!! Yeah, I'll still post, and I'll update y'all on my life... but NOT DAILY... I don't really have the time for that.

I'll do it maybe whenever I feel like, but I'll try and stick to weekly, biweekly, idk, whenever I feel like I should talk about my life, whenever things happen.

Right now I'm actually on a roadtrip!!!

We just spent a day on all the amusement park rides at the Calgary Stampede!! It was AWESOME.

Also we have spent time in #nature and I'm COLLECTING! ROCKS! >:) THEY ARE WAY COOLER OUTSIDE MY HOMETOWN JUST SAYING...

Maybe I'll find a hagstone.

So far no, I've only found cool stripey ones but no hagstones.

Maybe I'm not meant to find a hagstone. Maybe whatever gives me my good luck is protection enough.

ACTUALLY, ON THAT NOTE, I HAVEN'T STOLEN ANYTHING FOR THIS WHOLE TRIP... SO LIKE 1 OR 2 WEEKS. WHICH IS CRAZY!!! PROUD OF MYSELF :)

ALSO I HAVEN'T CUT MYSELF FOR LIKE A MONTH MAYBE(?) WHICH IS SO WOW.

see? I can totally do this! You'll see.

Lately I haven't been stressing AT ALL. like. So much happiness and fun, out on my roadtripppp!

I have had a few stressors.... but like. I've done my best to push them aside, because I know it'll be better not to think about them.

Like, I'm starting to think all my unhappiness cOMES FROM THINKING ABOUT MY STRESSORS TOO MUCH... OVERTHINKING.

However, if I tell myself "don't worry, you'll find a way, you always do" and then try n forget, I'm so much happier.

Here are my current #stressors... since everyone loves some drama (I'm listing em)

1. I MIGHT LOSE MY VIRGINITY UHHHH AND IM NERVOUS AND IDK IF I SHOULD OR WHAT ITLL  FEEL LIKE OR IF I SHOULD WAIT.... AAAAAAAA IDK ITS KINDA SCARY COS WHAT IF IT HURTS A LOT... WHAT IF IT FUCKS ME UP. IDK. I KNOW NOTHING.

2. MY STEALING + CUTTING ISSUES... LIKE. I'M ADDICTED???? AND OFC IM HAPPY I MANAGE TO GET BY WITHOUT IT BUT SOMETIMES ITS VERY HARD. TO RESIST. YOUR URGES.

man if that god guy is real I bet hes happy with me (or I guess god can be a girl, or nonbinary, or maybe is not male but still uses he/him, or maybe DOESNT use he him pronouns and we are fuckig it up???? Idk I will just say "he")

(I doubt god has a gender tho lol. He made man and woman in his image yeah? So then.... uh.... he would be intersex(?)

Personally I think god has No genitals at all and No gender either. But then again, I dont even believe in a god...)

ALL IM SAYING IS. IF GOD WAS REAL. THEY WOULD PROBABLY BE PLEASED THAT I AM. RESISTING SIN? SO WELL.

... cos cutting yourself IS a sin....

That used to upset me so much dude. I read this bible passage... and it would be CONSTANTLY referenced. Your body is a temple. Its sinful to harm your body. Its sinful to use drugs, is what they said at school, but like. What about other types of intentional harm? Sin. Sinful.

I used to be so invested in that Catholicism shit, man. And afterward, after I. Did the cutting. I'd be covered in half dried sticky blood. I'd smell the metallic smell so strongly.... because I bled out A LOT... its incredible to me honeslty, how such minor styros and occasional light fat cuts can gush out so MUCH blood. It's a lot. It's more than you'd expect from a little cut. The cuts pool up with blood and then overflow.

It trickles down your legs.

But I'd be patching myself up afterward (basically tryna clean the blood, stop the bleeding, make sure I didnt bleed out onto my sheets and dirty them in my sleep... make sure I didnt leave evidence) and I'd think to myself "this is a sin, I am a sinner..."

Ofc my stupid ass was constantly begging for forgiveness, praying, reading the bible, blah blah, please I just wanna serve you, please help me, please...

What a pathetic state to be in most of my junior high years HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA XD XDDDDD LMAOOOO LMFAOOOOOO ROFLLLLL

like. I had a corner of the school I used SPECIFICALLY to cry.

How sad...

BUT NOW IM IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!! AND I AM PLEASED TO INFORM YOU THAT I HAVE

0 CRYING SPOTS

MANY MAKING OUT SPOTS

like woah its almost like. I dont have to suffer at all.

I'm winning now.

W. What was I talking about before I started rambling. Idk. I forget. Oh well.

POSITIVITY ONLY BABES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ILL KEEP YALL UPDATED I SWEAR

SIGNING OFF,

JUDE SHEPARD

[justalitlecreacher]

I’m here to prove that Andrew Garfield’s portrayal of Spider-man/peter parker in The Amazing Spider-Man is objectively the best love action adaptation of the character. In this essay I will....(yes this is really happening)

Edit: 10/20/20- i want to indulge myself in spiderman content but finding non mcu spiderman content is exhausting so imma update this instead

TL;DR

Andrew Garfield is my favorite of the 3 Spider-Man actors. TAS’s Peter is more fun and dynamic than the cookie cutter “shy introverted nerd that has a crush on a girl who’s way out of his league” Peter in Tobey Maguire’s movies. I enjoy Tom Holland’s portrayal of the character, but hate the way Disney has written the movies.  I enjoy the characters, plot, and humor of The Amazing Spider-Man far more than the other 2, and i deeply wish we had gotten the third movie with the canon BIder-Man of Andrew’s (and my) dreams.

[DISCLAIMER: I HAVE NOT SEEN THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2 OR ANY MCU SPIDERMAN MOVIES OUTSIDE OF CLIPS AND REVIEWS ITS ALSO BEEN A VERY HOT MINUTE SINCE IVE SEEN A TOBEY MAGUIRE MOVIE]

Characterization

  Most arguments against Andrew Garfield’s Spidey( AG’s from now on) begin and ends with “he was a good Spider-Man but a bad Peter Parker”. This references an outdated post comparing all three Spidey actors.(Id attach the image here but i dont want the post to be too long(thats a lie this is so long what am i doing with my life)) The post also claims that Tobey played a good Peter and a poor Spidey; and that Tom is good at both “roles”.(Honestly I think it seems silly that this seems obey the “third time’s the charm” rule but thats just me).  Most people using this seem to be Tobey stans who have forgotten or ignored the rest of the post funnily enough, but the ones that go further into the WHY AG is a poor Peter are also incorrect. This argument also ignores the idea that there can be more than one version of Peter Parker which is blatantly incorrect.  Just look at Into the Spiderverse or the PS4 game; these provide 4(5 if you count the pig) versions of Peter themselves, and that doesnt even include the comics. 

 Arguments that go further in depth claim that the AS Peter is too cool or well liked by his peer to be a “true” Peter Parker. The evidence for this seems to be that Peter has a skateboard.(which what? didnt realize that having a skateboard would instantly make you cool brb guys). Adding to that i dont really see where people get the idea that Peter is popular or well liked. While looking for complaints i found this qutoe from reddit(theyve since deleted it looks like but i’ll add a link in the notes) “He's angsty, pretty socially awkward, has an aptitude for science, and is kind of an outsider. He gets bullied by Flash and he gets his ass kicked after trying to stand up to Flash. He isn't a "cool" person in any way (until the ending, in which he's best buds with Flash, so I'll give you that). While Maguire is more accurate to the 60s comics where Peter in high school is just a fucking loser with basically no friends, in the ultimate comics, Peter is more of the kid who has a small amount of friends, but isn't popular.”. Honesty i fully agree with this because once again, other versions of a character are allowed to exist. You can dislike one version, but its silly to dislike something for not being exactly like another thing.

Ive also heard that Peter isnt “nerdy enough” in this movie which really doesnt make any sense considering the entire plot happens because Peter was looking into some of his parents’ research. If he wasn't interested in looking further into his father’s work what reason would he have to go to Oscorp where he’s bitten by the spider? Why would he have become Dr. Conner’s assistant? If he wasn’t intelligent how did he develop the web shooters?(something that Tobey!Peter doesn't have to do out of plot convenience might i add).  

 Another complaint i see is that the quips he uses in the movie(the first one specifically it seems) makes him seem like an asshole. Honestly thats a fair complaint, but i think its a good bit of characterization; espcially if he does get better about it in the second movie like the internet suggests.The Peter in this movie is a rightfully angsty teen; of course he acts a bit of an ass to criminals(also i feel like its important to mention that he’s like that to criminals? its not like hes being a dick for no reason).

  Compare this with the Tobey Maguire(TM) movies. Like i said i haven’t seen these in awhile but as far as i’m aware TM’s Peter doesn't really do anything particularly nerdy in the film? I may have forgotten something( ok in the scene before he gets bitten he knows a cool spider fact) but he doesn’t have to invent the web-shooters because they came with his powers and he’s only at Oscorp in the first place because it’s a school field trip that he appears to be taking photos for. This Peter does fit the definition of outcast(friendless and bullied for it), but honestly i just dont like him. He’s weird and something about the character makes me feel like i should be a little grossed out every time he looks at MJ at the beginning of the movie.  

   I honestly don’t have any complaints for Tom Holland’s(TH’s)Spidey. Tom is a great actor and from what ive seen i enjoy his portrayal of the character.( He made me cry when i character i actively dislike died).  

Story

  I cant really say much for TAS story. It’s interesting but nothing special really. However, there is one scene that i don’t think i’ve seen anything like since( the closest would probably be the train scene in the original trilogy). 

 The crane scene. Early in the film Peter saves a boy from a car that has fallen off of a bridge, and at the end of the movie this becomes relevant again when it is uncertain that Peter will be able to get to the lizard to stop him in time.(as Peter is already injured and pretty far from the lizard’s location). The boy’s father is then revealed to be a construction worker who recognizes that Spider-man is going to need help to get to the lizard; he remembers how Spider-Man saved his son and organizes the rest of the construction workers to build a path out of crane arms for SM to swing from. All of them are putting themselves in danger by not evacuating, but SM’s actions in the first act of the film motivate them to do what’s right. 

  I love this scene primarily because it highlights something that i think is a really important part of Spider-Man’s character; his connection to the people he saves. SM is often shown interacting with and chatting with the people he has saved after the fact. One comic shows Peter accidentally scaring some bullies and then taking the time to ride the bus to school with them to continue their conversation and educate the students on bullying.( There’s definitely more but this is off the top of my head).

  Another scene in TAS that i love is shortly before the crane scene when Peter is originally attempting to make his way across the city to stop the lizard, and he is shot down by the police. They manage to unmask him before Peter comes to his senses( he had just been shot and fallen pretty far out of the sky in his defense). From there Peter is able to deal with the police while keeping any of them from getting a good look at his face. The one cop he cant take out happens to be Gwen Stacey’s father who had previously had an argument with Peter about Spider-Man(Peter obviously on SM’s side and Mr. Stacey against SM). Peter turns and allows Captain(?) Stacey to see his face. I believe that this is an example of an unwilling identity reveal done right. i really enjoyed this moment because Peter had just shown that he likely could have gotten out of this encounter with his identity in tact as he had just taken down however many men. This implies that it was an active choice on Peter’s end to trust that Captain Stacey would ultimately do the right thing and allow Peter to go fight the Lizard, rather than a final desperate attempt to get away unscathed. Whether or not this interpretation of the scene is correct or not it still gives the character a bit more agency than some versions have done with their identity reveals.

  In Spider-Man 2 Peter starts to lose his powers because he’s having internal conflict about wether or not he should be Spider-Man. Honestly thats kinda neat and i might want to give that a rewatch. As for the one i have seen i don’t have any complaints. I do however prefer the way that Peter was bitten in TAS because it was a result of him poking around where he shouldn’t’ve been rather than him just happening to be standing in the right place for a spider to land on him. 

  Onto TH’s movies; the way Disney has treated Spidey in the MCU is why TH’s is my least favorite version of the character. I feel like too much of the story revolves around Iron Man; Iron Man made Peter’s suit and equipment, Iron Man introduces Peter to the MCU(via blackmail but thats another rant for another annoyingly long post), its Iron Man that “makes” Spidey in this universe rather than Spidey being self-made. In Homecoming(which remember i havent seen outside of clips so bear with me) most of the conflict is cause directly or indirectly by Tony’s refusal or inabilty to communicate with the teenager he’s meant to be mentoring

 For one the entire incident with the ferry could have very easily been avoided had Tony bothered to communicate with Peter enough to tell him that the situation was being taken care of. On top of that at the moive’s climax Peter is shown trying to get in contact with Happy(from what ive picked up isnt he a chauffeur? like idk his deal i just know he’s someone Peter got pawned off onto after Civil War). Peter even goes as far as to somehow hack into Happy’s phone(i think thats what happened it was a weird tech thing that shouldve been a red flag that the call was important though) but instead of listening; Peter is ignored. If this was a different kind of movie Peter literally could have died and itd be the fault of Happy and Tony like..... A large portion of conflict comes from characters being incompetent and not communicating and thats just poor storytelling.

Before this turns too much into an anti mcu rant id also like to say that the way they did Civil War was really dumb considering that Peter defects to Cap’s side in the comics, but whatever.

 Also i loathe the way they handled the identity reveal at the end of Far From Home. With MCU movies most people know to expect an end credits scene by now, but typically that scene is not important to understand what’s happening in the films; they just aren’t important. Putting an identity reveal here makes it seem significantly less important than it is. On top of that i dislike their use of J Jonah Jameson for this scene.

  JJJ is a character who has been repeatedly shown to have a genuinely good heart. All of his anger comes from a place of love for his city(he even says this hemself in the ps4 game when May writes in to tell him that he needs help). He hates Spider-Man because SM reminds him of the masked man who killed his wife; JJJ has never been able to get past that( and Peter’s antagonism of him definitely doesnt help) However, JJJ has been shown to care for people; he has a son who he often brags about, and one comic shows that JJJ is paying Peter for “amateur” quality photos because he knows that Peter is having a hard time and “just need some help”. JJJ has even learned Peter’s identity before and kept his secret for him(seriously though i cant remember the name of the comic but its defiantly worth the read), and in the original trilogy when Goblin threatens JJJ he claims that he doesn’t know who sends in the photos of Spidey because he does it via email( this is a lie). The MCU will have a very difficult time convincing me that JJJ would ever out a teenager’s identity and put him in danger like that. It goes too far against his character.(this could be hypocritical of me to say considering how i just insisted that multiple versions of a character can exist but whatever ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) 

This is accidentally turning into an MCU rant but id also like to say that i hate the lack of a TH!Spidey origin movie because it gives you no motivaion for Peter becoming SM or explanation of his powers; most people will know these things but if youre unfamiliar with the character its bound to be confusing(and im a sucker for origin movies)

[angel-deux-writes]

Hi Angel! I've been a big fan of yours since HCM, and so I wanted to express my concern for your wellbeing. There was that big break when you took a month or so to finish HCM before posting it in quick succession, in order to not have to deal with the comments. Now, from what you've been writing in the notes to Dorne Rights, it looks like you are experiencing something similar. The selfish fan in me wants you to keep writing and keep posting, but the basic human in me is more worried that (1/2)

you are unhappy. Nothing is worth making yourself unhappy over, particularly not something that’s meant to give you pleasure. A favourite author of mine back in the days of my Spike/Angel obsession had a disclaimer on her stories telling readers to please not leave feedback of any kind, not even constructive criticism, on her fics because she finds them unhelpful. Her comment section was full of chats about various topics in that fandom, rather than her own fiction. Might help. (2/2)

Hello! I really appreciate this message, because you’re right: fanfic writing isn’t good for me.

(lol putting this beneath the cut because it’s way too long)

It’s actually my experience in this fandom that has made me realize that writing in general probably isn’t good for me, but unfortunately I feel a drive to it and can’t seem to stop myself from thinking I’ll one day get published, so that’s a bit of a downer. The truth is that I’m naturally disposed toward thinking that I’m shit, my words are shit, and every thought I’ve ever had is unoriginal and poorly written. It’s always been like that, from the time I wrote my first attempt at fiction at 7 years old to now at 31. It takes a lot for me to share my writing with people. I started writing fic at 14, basically as soon as I discovered that I wasn’t the only person composing stories about Han and Leia in their free time. I’m sure that my fics were horrendous. I give myself a hard time now, but 14 year old me probably deserved it even more. But there were sweet people on the internet who encouraged me (and lied to me) and told me that my stories were good, and that made a huge difference. 

(that and my freshman year english teacher, who was very very cute and earnest and young and made me feel like I could actually be a writer.)

I’ve never been a part of a fandom before. Discourse and meta and long discussions about canon events have never interested me. I’ve said that before, and it remains true! I consume what canon there is, and sometimes I like it, and sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I’m so dissatisfied with it that I need to write something, and so I do. I don’t think I’ve ever written fic for something that I found entirely satisfactory. The extension of my being part of an actual fandom in the past was probably reblogging a few gifsets and recommending it to friends. I’ve just never had that sort of communal experience. This, the J/B fandom, was my first time really getting into it. It’s the first time I’ve ever made friends online that weren’t just frequent commenters on long multichapter fics! It has been exciting and I’m grateful for it! It’s just also probably not good for me. 

It’s just, like, every time I post something, I’m fighting a very loud and very desperate voice in my head that’s saying “you’re shit and you shouldn’t bother”. It’s why I’m so good at writing first drafts of novels but so, so bad at getting past the second. It’s why I usually post fics only until I’ve worked out my frustrations: one or two fics per fandom and then ghosting away forever. It’s very hard to defy that voice and post something anyway, and this fandom experience has taught me that no matter HOW many stories I post, I’m ALWAYS going to have to fight that voice. And it’s gotten actively stronger. “You’re not what this fandom wants” “You’re not good at this” “Everyone’s just being nice” “You’ve overstayed your welcome”. Paying attention, often by accident, to the discourse and the metas only makes it worse, because my brain automatically turns to “well YOU don’t write them like that. That means you’re wrong”. I can tell myself as many times as I want that I myself like many different interpretations of J/B! My brain goes “yeah, but you’re just an idiot who doesn’t know any better. There’s a right way, and you’re not doing it”. 

THIS IS ALL SO DRAMATIC! But it’s just the truth! Every time I post something, it’s against my nature. NO ONE outside of fandom reads my writing! I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve allowed my close friends and family to read things. So while it may seem like, idk, like I should just be able to get over it, negative comments, or even SLIGHTLY critical comments, really hit me hard. For all the positive feedback I get (and I really AM super grateful for it, and it means the world to me), those few critical voices seem louder because they’re agreeing with what I have already known about myself. And so it feels almost like a victory, but a shitty one. “Ha! I was right this whole time! I AM a shit writer, and I’ve for some reason tricked those other people into thinking I’m good!” 

For a long time (much longer than I’ve ever written for any other fandom, obviously), I was able to shove it to the side. The J/B fandom HAS been super good to me, and they HAVE been wonderful about giving me feedback and making me feel welcome and included. But those negative voices are just SO LOUD to me, even though I know logically that they shouldn’t be. 

It would be easy to point to a specific problem and say that my issues will be fixed if only I can address that. I do it CONSTANTLY. Maybe if I stopped tagging other relationships. Maybe if I stopped tagging other characters. Maybe if I tagged my works super specifically. Maybe if I made author’s notes about how I’m a shit writer and people shouldn’t expect things from me. Maybe if I just wrote “THIS STORY IS WRITTEN ALREADY AND IM JUST EDITING AS I GO! PLEASE DONT SUGGEST THINGS!” I just feel like, increasingly, I want fewer and fewer eyes on my fics. It’s the opposite of the problem I thought I would have. But my confidence took a huge hit with HCM, and then I was finally feeling good enough to post Dorne Rights. It was probably a mistake! 

idk, maybe it’s just all the shit that’s going on in the world + in my personal life. Maybe it’s just time. Maybe I’m just running out of inspiration. But the positive voices aren’t loud enough to drown out my own negative self-voice this time, and so I’ve been trying to figure out how to handle it. Part of me wants to delete Dorne Rights with the intention of reworking it and maybe posting it again down the line with fewer tags and a lot more reminders that people can write their own stories if they don’t like mine. Part of me wants to just do a HCM and post it all at once so that I can leave the finished product up (even if I now think the entire thing is garbage). Part of me wants to stop writing fic entirely, at least until the next time I watch something with an ending so bad it fucks me up. I think my solution will probably be a massive step back from fandom for a little while. I’ve been feeling a drive to work on my original stuff, and I should probably lean into that. I would like to still write and post J/B, once I find the inspiration, but I’m tired of feeling like this is a job. I think I got so deeply sunk into this attitude of “I NEED to write and post constantly because these people want me to, and they actually like what I write!!” that I stopped writing things because I wanted to write them and started writing them because I wanted to write things for other people, to make other people happy, and so that they could tell me that I’m not a shit writer at all.

I should make it clear that I do intend to write my JB fic swap thing FOR SURE. I will drag that story out of myself no matter what. But in general it’s probably just healthier for me to not spend so much time On Here especially, and on fic in general.