#i dont have to surround myself with people who only want me for what i can do or give. i can surround myself with people who love ME

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

i love my friends so much. i feel like yesterday i had a lot of shit going on in my head and i woke up to my friend explaining things in a way that put my mind at ease. i dont feel as anxious anymore because i know i was overthinking. i think my dad said it best when he told me that he thought my wonderful brain of mine just wants to think problems are bigger than they actually are. he is right! im just inexperienced in life and half of the time im scared im doing something wrong but- HEY. i need to be more confident in making mistakes. making mistakes doesn't define me as a person!! i need to stop worrying about doing life right and just live for the sake of living and doing what makes me happy!!!!!!!

[thegreatestheaver]

i love my friends thank you to everyone who is patient and kind to me whenever im busy or weird or having an episode or whatever. i love you

[boopshoops]

What your favorite TWST character says about you :)

As a note before I begin: I saw one of these that shamed malleus and randomly even chenya enjoyers- (claimed that they were pick mes or something? 😭) so i wanted to make one that was more positive out of spite <3 make it more about the writing and why people appreciate the characters. Take each of these with a grain of salt i spose- also a lot of them share similar themes <3

(Aka fans who have different views or even blatantly incorrect views of characters will always exist everywhere, but insulting the entirety of a group solely for enjoying a character, many for different reasons, is probably not a great idea!

I get that sometimes people suck and thats understandable, but quit generalizing ok? Ok.

From a malleus enjoyer who just thinks hes a silly little guy and im tired of feeling like i have to defend myself bc he's my blorbo 😵‍💫)

Final note: i love unapologetically taking frustration and turning it into something that can make people smile 💕 also i blindly wrote this from 11pm-midnight :))) dividers by @/cafekitsune!

Heartslabyul:

Riddle: you enjoy and/or relate to the idea of healing from the past. Working hard to improve oneself for the ones around you and yourself: creating a healthier environment where you can be happy

Trey: there is immense complexity in things that are seemingly mundane. Digging deeper and deeper to find something truly sweet and heart warming is your joy.

Cater: maybe you relate, or maybe you used to, or maybe parts of the connections made in the past/presence/future dont feel as deep as you truly want them to be. There is something beautiful about a desire for genuine human connection, but also peace in being alone. There is a safe space for you yet, just be patient. 💕

Deuce: you love drive and determination. An endless stubbornness that keeps one going against all odds. Against every person who tells someone they cant. You watch them get proven wrong, and its pure bliss.

Ace: you find the connection between people beyond words heartwarming: even the seemingly simple ones. The ability to have a connection with someone who can get up to some mischief, tease back and forth, yet be there when you need them to be one of the most valuable things.

Savanaclaw:

Leona: Adversity over a lack of belief in oneself is a very difficult thing to overcome- yet it is very possible with the right crowd, the right amount of time, healing, and effort. You think someone's worth lies more than just within their title/job/appearance, but within the fact that they are able to stand back up and keep moving onward despite the odds. The hope for that change, and the ability to get out of bed in the morning on its own is strength.

Ruggie: Despite being through so much trauma at such a young age, recovery happens anyway. Its not perfect, at times the lessons learned are even rough. The survival tactics that once helped are now hard to ditch when theyre not needed anymore, but the ability to smile and joke and keep pushing onwards is something you value in life.

Jack: Self discipline can be both extremely useful as well as harmful in different ways. You find the way people can constantly strive to better themselves at what they love and/or morally to be highly admirable.

Octavinelle:

Azul: People can be cruel. And sometimes that cruelty inspires cruelty. Sometimes its simply used as a way to move on and survive insecurities created from it. Its hard, its a fight, but those insecurities are part of what make people beautiful. They are nothing to be ashamed of, and even the many tactics and smart ways of learning to overcome cruelness can be beautiful too.

Jade: The mind is extremely powerful. Intelligence and knowledge are not the only important things, no. Using that intel to find entertainment in the surrounding world can be exhilarating. Finding and discovering new unknowns: learning their ins and outs until they're a part of you is something you can relate to.

Floyd: speaking of fun- you love what is essentially the written version of a roller coaster. Ups and downs, ins and outs. Every single twist and turn is exhilarating and new. Every different perspective provides new insight into a multitude of different things. You are along for the ride, and you are having a lovely time.

Scarabia:

Jamil: self discovery can be very difficult after purposefully suppressing parts of one's self for a long time. Yet, the healing happens anyway (once again aha <3). People discover new parts of themselves, slowly becoming more comfortable not only with their environment, but how they react to it. The discovery is freedom, and freedom is bliss to you. New traits about oneself bloom like a flower: if not in the soil, then stubbornly in the cracks of cement. You gently take that bloom from the concrete and pot it, placing it gingerly in a beam of sunlight.

Kalim: Happiness isnt only sunshine to the one smiling, but to everyone else around them. It is delightfully infectious. However, happiness isnt a constant. You think emotions all emotions should be experienced rather than suppressed, because holding back sadness for the sake of others is a disservice to one's self. Discovering your own emotions, any range of them, is what makes people uniquely human. If anyone is holding those emotions back- hell, any part of them back, they need to be let out of the cage.

Pomefiore:

Vil: "Beauty is on the inside" is a saying thats been around for a long time, but beauty comes in so many forms. It can come from the stubborn desire to improve one's self: to be kinder, to help those around you, to be good. However it is impossible to be perfect. At times, for some, this can be crushing. People are hurt unintentionally, natural frustration can brew, the wrong actions can be taken: and thats okay. You believe whats important is to pick yourself up and keep going. To err is to be human, and that is beautiful too.

Rook: Error is beautiful. Symmetry is beautiful. Asymmetry is beautiful. A crack in the side walk is beautiful. Small things are beautiful, big things are beautiful. The nurturing of something through endless care is beautiful. The undeniable traits and hobbies of every individual that make them unique are beautiful. You find the endless optimism in finding beauty to be, in itself, beautiful.

Epel: Sometimes people will view others in ways that they wish not to be perceived as. This isnt in our control, as much as we sometimes want it to be. All you can do i be unapologetically yourself. To be you to the utmost degree. To prove those who thought otherwise to be foolish. You find this strength to find value in yourself despite others opinions admirable.

Ignihyde:

Idia: you have depression /j

Ok for real-

Life can be such a cunt. It can beat a person down, down, down and leave them vulnerable enough to fear it. To fear that beating, whenever it may next come. The anxiety of never knowing what or who will come next, or what one could lose. At times it feels more comforting to find a routine in solitude. But you know that the small things that give joy will wiggle their way in with time. The broken will meet people who love and care and find comfort in the companionship of healing, even from the little things: like a new story to read or game to play.

Ortho: You value unconditional support. Support through everything: the good, the bad, the just kind of okay. Knowing that someone can have ones back for every little thing- to be there solely because they care and wish the best for others- is something you look up to and maybe even wish to be for another.

Diasomnia:

Malleus: god damn people can be so hard to read and understand. They are so complicated: they are books you have to pay attention to from start to finish. But once you reach the end, you have a deep seated appreciation for them, and for the ones who stuck around to read your book too. Even if it was just for a fleeting moment: it is a happy moment. As painful as temporary things can be, it is also what you think can make the relationships we love and have loved so valuable.

Lilia: there can be suffering everywhere. There is war. There is famine. But there are also endless new sights to see. New discoveries to be made to help those still going through famine and war. New ways to love and understand people you never thought you'd understand. The development and positive parts of humanity, even though at times it can look bleak, are ever present to you. You love the discovery: of places and of people.

Silver: you believe that there is solace in being your own individual, regardless of who you are bound by blood to. Being shaped my experiences, friends, hardships, and new places are what make a person who they are. You value finding roots in and making your own home.

Sebek: Dedication can be a hard thing to come by, but when it does it can grab someone by the reigns. Using every waking moment to cherish that thing, learn more about it, become better at something, and strive to better ones self can be very admirable to you. But, on the other hand, it also calls for the occasional rest.

OTHER (just for ones I know well enough, sorry!)

Neige: You love kindness despite hardship. One can go through horrible things and still choose to be kind. The world could begin to end, and one could still choose to be kind, because it means everything.

Chenya: Curiosity fuels exploration. It fuels art. It fuels everything. It fuels excitement. It fuels friendships. It fuels medicine. It fuels life. Curiosity is endlessly fun, and you think that is very whimsical

Meleanor: Sacrifice for others can be tragic. Knowing what another person has given up for someone else, maybe even everything, is gut wrenching but undeniably a selfless love to you.

Crewel: There can be kindness in strictness. In teachings, there can be a parental guide. There can be someone who cares for you and undeniably wants you to succeed. They know that you can, so they push you towards it. You want this support.

Trein: Love surpasses time. When the ones we love are gone, the memories of them are still held close, with the love once given to them, we can show to others through advice and guidance that comes with time. You find comfort in that.

Crowley: People are flawed. We all know this, yet despite a persons flaws... however many there may be, there is still something hopeful and human about it. About having those flaws and persisting regardless. You may even like those flaws, and the unashamed desire to press on even with them on display.

Fellow/Ernesto: Live for yourself. This is what you desire. People are often caught up in material or monetary things. After all, we live in a world that required it to survive and even be respected. To throw away those views and simply live as you see fit: regardless as to whether you earn those things or not, is something you admire.

Rollo: Sometimes the attachment we have to those we lost can be painful. Regardless, that pain is proof that there was care and love. The things done for others, whether alive or dead, are done selflessly. Grief can fuel hatred, but it can also be caused by love. To unlearn hatred and learn to love again after the fear of loss is a natural human experience. It is a process you understand and admire those who take the time and strength needed to properly love again.

Thank you for reading <3

Tags <3

@lowcallyfruity @skriblee-ksk @justm3di0cr3 @cecilebutcher @kitwasnothere

@techno-danger @thehollowwriter @distant-velleity @the-trinket-witch @scint1llat3

@beneathsakurashade @qsoap @twsted-canvas @prince-kallisto @kathxrat-01

@sillyslipperybananapeel @jadelover69 @tixdixl @twstinginthewind

[marsmaximoff]

🪩; club pentagon 𖦹₊⋆☾

content warning: ‘long haired’ fem!reader. suggestive. drugs, alcohol.

word count: 1.4k 💜

author’s note: y’all idk what’s happening to me. like i swear when i watched the show i didn’t care about him. in fact i didn’t even like him. and now i can’t stop thinking about his hot face and hands 😔 expect more fics to come cause i’m going crazy. btw, i apologize for the possible mistakes as english is my third language. enjoy <3!

divider by @strangergraphics <3

the colorful lights create a shiny veil over the club. the music reverberating throughout the place, accompanied by loud, excited screams and intoxicated voices, acts as a barrier to the real world.

while i wait for my friend to come back from the bathroom, a guy catches my eye, separated from the rest, in a corner. he must be around my age, a bit older. and i don’t know what it is exactly, but something immediately lures me in. something about his aura, his vibe.... maybe it’s the dark hair, or the tattoos on his arm, the way he’s talking to the man next to him like he’s important... 

he looks hot. and like a total dick too. 

“you like him?” your friend inquires cheekily, noticing your stare. “i haven’t seen him before.” you don’t forget someone like him. his tall frame and dark clothes adding to the arousing pull i’m feeling. “he’s the reason we’re here. i found the club through him; he promotes it.” “do you know him?” there’s a growing curiosity inside of me, to know more, “not at all”, to get closer. “he looks like a playboy,” she declares, to which i can only agree. “an attractive one, tho.”

on cue, as if he had heard us -impossible given the distance- he takes his eyes from that man and locks his gaze on mine, sending a flutter through my stomach. but i don’t shy away, seeing his eyes go down my body, checking me out, unashamedly. a hussy grin accompanies the action while i keep the intense eye contact going for some time before turning around and heading back to the dance floor. as i do, i feel his gaze slide over my body and smile to myself, satisfied, trying to sensualize my walk a bit.

the night continues as usual: drinks, dancing, some flirting here and there, all that still carrying a boost of confidence from that previous interaction. 

eventually, i take a break sitting by the counter, and almost in no time, a smell of cigarettes, alcohol, and something else surrounds me. 

“hey” he speaks with confidence and a certain ego; the grin is back where it had been before. he leans on the bar and studies me, daringly, carefully. that seems to fuel my boldness, because my hand moves almost instantly towards his face, slowly. he doesn’t back away or stop me; he doesn’t even flinch. i gather the remaining white powder from the warm skin right over his upper lip with a finger and lower it, showing it to him. “oops, my bad,” he says playfully while grabbing my wrist. then, he brings it to his mouth and licks it off my fingertip without one of us breaking eye contact for a single second. holy. fuck. afterwards, he laughs softly, my heart rate going crazy, “want some? i only have the best.” i shake my head, choosing to keep my drifting lucidity. 

my gaze travels down his body until reaching his tattooed arm. “you like ‘em?” “i dont see many people around who have them” “yeah…bunch of pussies. these didnt hurt at all, you know.” the smugness of his words an obvious sign of his eagerness to impress. “you got more?” “oohh, someone’s interested…” i scoff finding his teasing annoying, yet unable to deny the way i have to press my lips together to hold back a smile. “i love tattoos” “yeah? wanna touch?” his comments come off so nonchalantly, flirting a natural habit of his. “i mean, you've already gone for my mouth...” his voice lowers a bit, having the clearly much-expected effect on me, and i give in, my yearning taking my fingers to his arm. the smooth and steamy flesh welcomes me with a satisfying shiver, and the hitch of his breath makes me slow down, caressing softly, seductively. 

i don't know if he's trying to contain himself, or enjoying it too much, but i see him biting his lip, and it feels so good to find a tiny crack in his confident facade, the growing heat in my belly seconding it. the initial trace of ink becomes a search of his now more prominent veins, up and down. “i like how it looks.” i give him a final graze, but this time it’s my hand that strokes his arm all the way down his slender, ring-adorned fingers which i hold and toy with before letting go to replace them with my drink, leaving him all greedy for more. his skin on fire. 

he’s affected now, trying to break the spell, attempting to somehow regain control while his breathing’s all over the place. cute. 

the drink sugars my senses, but it’s not nearly as sweet as the feel of him. 

“you like the club?” he goes back to his usual self, his comfort zone, something he can proudly show off. “yeah, i like the ambience”  “i can show you around…this place’s my second home.” i know what he's doing, using an excuse to move this somewhere quieter, more private, more comfortable…. but i decide to play a bit with him. “i don’t know… i'm really enjoying this area.” he smirks, “and it only gets better, we don't leave the best within reach of just anyone”, getting closer. “so you’re saying you'll make it worth my time?” he pokes his cheek with his tongue, turning me on even more. fucking tease. “in fact you'll regret it if you don't come.”  “mmm…im not sure…maybe i need a preview….” his face is mere millimeters from mine, giving me a perfect view of the mischievous look that takes over his. then, he grabs a small bag from his pocket -more white powder- and pushes my hair away from my shoulder, the contact leaving goosebumps everywhere. when the bareness pleases him, an unfamiliar feeling covers my skin. and then i realize, he’s pouring it on me. jesus christ. he leaves a shivery trail up to my neck, molding it to get a perfect line. his hot breath is getting me dizzy, his hand enveloping the other side of my neck, his allure a dangerous mix with the alcohol. he snorts the line in one, the tip of his nose tickling my burning skin. “yesss, shit baby”, he groans huskily underneath my ear, adding a bit of pressure with his hand, and i feel my wetness starting to become uncomfortable. 

he’s laughing when he pulls back, “how’s that for a preview?”, finishing rubbing the remains of his nose. but i can only focus on his fingers, fuck. i need more. “not bad” i try so hard to think of something witty, flirty, to keep the back and forth going, but i can’t. my brain is foggy, my body is flaming, and my belly is killing me with all those damn backflips. “not bad? that’s not nice of you….imma have to do something about that attitude of yours…” i stand up from the stool, suddenly desperate to get out of there. “maybe i do need that tour, a change from the loud music and everything” god i’ve truly become pathetic. and it seems to amuse him, “yeah? i thought you liked the ambience here….” “and i thought you said you’d make it worth my time” i make him smirk again, what a damn sight, and before i know it he’s taking me who knows where.

the moment the door closes behind us, my back is pushed to the wall, his arms caging me. this time, his eyes stay on my lips while he bites his. “fuck, you’re so hot” i can’t hold it anymore. the praise gets to him and makes him snap, harshly pressing our mouths together. the kiss is rough, desperate, as if we were running out of time. i let out a muffled moan as he brings me closer to his warm body and slides one hand towards my neck, adding some pressure. i’ve never had such a messy, intense kiss before, it makes my legs weak. he keeps asserting dominance the whole time, and bites my lip before pulling back and heading towards my neck. 

my moans get louder as i feel him leaving hickeys all over my skin. “it’s namgyu”, he corrects me, hovering over my flesh. but the blood is already pounding in my ears. “huh?” 

 “i want you to know what to moan”

[tgcg]

this is my element (+ album)

asking me to pick my fave album is like asking an orphan matron to pick her favorite baby boy

thats some weird and cruel circumstances to put upon me i feel like it changes every damn week like a rota

i mean what if my beats misbehave and i gotta put 'em in time out i cant play permanent on that theyre too cute

but yknow what i can show you one thing thats been on my mind lately

===

so when i was a kid we had this skateboard vid by "element skateboards" on DVD

they were this skateboard kit slash apparel company that was all about progressivism and shit and they did these much lauded comp tapes of dudes riding around on their boards and doing the dopest of macho tricks on the shit

flipping it turnways

putting the rock in the house like a big man

we had some of their merch actually

===

so anyways the one we had back then was This Is My Element

released 2007

mostly clips from cali i think and i mean the camerawork is fucking insane on some of those shots

this is gonna sound lame as fuck but i prob spent so many cumulative hours just peelin through the footage and ogling the shit outta it

that framing was tight

===

so you may be asking yourself or me

dave you genuine dicksucker i asked about your fav album not your favorite sordid ass display of smooth dudes hardcore riding and grinding them boards in public dude you have a problem

ok well that wasnt a question first of all so jot that down

but anyways to THAT i say

listen to the music

the whole thing has an original soundtrack of ambient beats

got some abstract hip hop jams, got some more indie stuff, lots of acoustic sampling

HELLA underground

and basically every track minus one is done by sampler beast david p. madson AKA "odd nosdam"

dude is my hero seriously

he is the master of the beat machine i shit you not hes always been kinda my idol on this stuff

aside from bro obviously

===

obviously.

===

anyways he had an E-mu SP-1200 which is a really oldschool sampler invented by dave rossum in the late 80s

revolutionary to the hip hop scene

nosdam had this mega distinct sound to his music that i always wanted to replicate on my own beats

still do

i dont know for sure if he used it on T.I.M.E. but he uses some of the same samples from "vol. 9" which was exclusively SP-1200 so im gonna get a lil j’accuzi on that

it couldve been a boss dr sampler SP-202 though idk

he had one of those

===

so aside from beating the shit out of the pause/resume button to flip my whole cranium at the cinematography or whatever i would also kinda play it on loop to listen to the soundtrack and space out at 2am

the lonely broner seemed to free his mind at night

ok shit broner is good but i didnt mean it like that

that was goofy lets just keep movin

it was the only way i had to listen to it back then but i mean the video is 50 mins long so its basically just an odd nosdam album with accompanying ambient skater sounds and random expletives and whatever

random car sequence

yknow what i dont think people respect enough?

the dude who catches all the "mad stunts yo" on camera

i swear to god at least half the time hes ALSO on a board and that shit is bananas to me

bros gotta be on some whole other level of zen to skate good AND catch all them glamor shots of his fellow skater

thats like an express ticket to the ER imo

the ambulance is already on the scene watching you like an eager crow watches a half dead dog

===

ok gonna go ahead and lay it out flat

not great on a board myself

kinda dogshit at it actually

so maybe im not exactly an arbitrator of skateboard heinousness

but i always kinda liked watching THEM do it i mean who doesnt?

whats an even crazier layer to stack on the "dave" cake is

and dirk told me this because unfortunately it kinda happened post-2009

he would do all these collabs with one of my childhood favorite underground rappers david cohn aka serengeti

surrounded by daves left and right dude even before all the time travel horseshit

thats like

serendipitous as fuck i think!

===

if sburb was just a revolving door of artists called dave that i could bump fists with

instead of other mes in various states of aliveness tending toward extremely dead

i wouldve probably given it something higher than 2 stars on my TGN review

===

so yeah you ask me my favorite album its T.I.M.E. by odd nosdam i guess

bump that shit on a walk your mind will go places unknown to man

[pachimation]

redrawing my very first chiscara comic/art i ever did for chscr day!!

old comic under the cut!!

lol a bunch of sappy semi serious stuff below bc i cant help but be a bit genuine about this ship today :’3

i cant possibly put into words how important this silly little ship and its community mean to me haha,,,, this comic was made in 2021 but i didnt really get serious about chscr until late 2022 after a bunch of pretty bad interpersonal stuff happened and i needed an outlet,, COINCIDENTALLY a certain someone was announced to be playable around then and i was already thought chscr was Pretty Neat™️ so i ended up diving headfirst into the ship. it also gave me a good excuse to work on more comics too!! i’d done a pretty big zhongven comic earlier that year in the summer, but in terms of lore there was only so much i could have worked with at the moment.

childe and scaramouche have that perfect combination of silliness and angst and violence that could be explored or expanded in so many ways and i love love love seeing other people’s interpretations of their dynamic and relationship. they’re so complex,,,,they’re narrative foils,,,they’re narrative parallels,,,they’re trans allegories,,,they’re flies in the spiderweb of the games lore,,,they’re my stupid little meow meows,,, they’re just two losers i want to see make out,,,

in a nutshell, they’re everything to me. well, i hope i get that kind of sentiment across in my own comics,,,,

and i cant get started on all the people ive met through chiscara or the way that having something i can call “my thing”, as in, the thing that i like and that i will spend a lot of time and effort (and money, but lets not talk about that) to surround myself with because it makes me smile. its stupid to say, but being a nerd about these two stupid guys who have never had a single canon onscreen interaction in some random game has made me a much happier and confident person that i could have ever imagined back in my freshman year of college,,, when i say i dont know who i’d be if i hadnt gotten into chiscara, i really do mean it lol

i’m actually surprised i’m making it to over a full year of regular-ishly making art, especially for the same game and ship! thats never happened before and my art has improved so much over this past year!! more than anything else, i’m happy! i get to be excited talking about these characters with my friends and i love to see art of them pop up on the tl. i make stickers of them and decorate my phonecase with them and have little figures of them in my room that i look at when im up late at night working on schoolwork. sometimes just the thought of finishing a comic or daydreaming about a scenario or seeing what my mutuals are up to are some of the few things getting me through a tough day.

,,,,so believe me when i say, to both childe and scara and to everyone else as obsessed with these pathic losers as i am, thank you! i’m having a lot of fun!!!

(also i just found out tumblrs copy/paste doesnt work on my ipad??? idk if this ends up legible i may or may not have deleted smth by accident and im not in a mood to proofread haha)

[ganondoodle]

actively fighting a full blown panic attack born out of sadness and anger after having to drive by yet another victim on the side of the road

it makes me livid how accepted it is to just let cats suffer and die disgustingly horrid deaths and live awful short lives just so what, for what?? so you dont have to play with them for an hour a day??? when i was little it was just kinda normal that they disappeared at some point, i didnt understand what it actually meant until our outdoor cat i loved dearly was found in the bushes near our house in a condition so horrible my dad has never told me and i have never dared to ask, she only made it to 6 and had horrible scars and infections before that i allowed my family to convince me to let my first own cat outside, we only had her for a year, she died at only 2 years old, i am still suffering from the guilt, it has never let me go, she went missing for a week and i walked the entire vilage up and down every day, yelling her name, wandering into the forest alone, talking to every stranger i met until one morning my mom told me that our neighbour who works for the city asked if we had a white cat with a very specific collar she had- he found her on a busy road crossing in the next bigger city, i never even got to bury her, its haunting me, the thought of her wandering lost and scared in the city for a week until meeting an awful end gives me headaches, the fact that i was the last one to see her alive, that i put her outside bc we were late for school and had to leave quickly, that she had come home with oil in her fur from crawling through maschines and cars before, that i was worried but still didnt act, that it is my fault, any time i am up to late its coming back, it will never let me go, if i had stood my ground and not allow her outside unless on a leash or similar shed still be alive today, any time i read a description at our local shelter it comes back, they still advocate for outside cats, all of them, even if they have only been an indoor one before, its madness my older sister had a cat, i dont even know how old he got but it wasnt long either, he got hit by a car in front of their house, she has two now again and the only reason she hasnt let them outside is because they havent shown much interest in it, i tried to warn her before and she didnt listen and shes still resistent, even after losing one too

i have seen so many on the side of the road, anywhere i drive i see them, i cannot forget a single one, we are surrounded by farm land and all its giant maschinery, its still common to poison rodents, why do people value them so little, you wouldnt let your dog just live outside in the woods and streets for half the day or more, you wouldnt just throw your guniea pigs on the road and tell them have fun, you wouldnt just let your bird roam outside, there probably assholes that do that too but you cannot tell me its as common as outside cats

i dont understand it, i dont, i wont, i never will, i will never forgive myself this poor little animal that was my responsibility having to pay the price of my ignorance, or my own weakness letting my family convince me despite the awful way we lost one before, it makes me want to explode it hurts my brain in grief and anger i can barely contain

cats deserve to live a safe and long life, i get only having them inside may feel like you are locking them up, but do you think that not doing so is worth having them die a painful death? being poisonend? on purpose even by disgusting people that hate them? abused and chased by other animals and dogs? hurt and lost? cutting their lifespan in half? if they even make it that far? the amount of wildlife that they kill unnecessarily so when all of that is already in a steep decline everywhere? and if they eat what they hunt get infected with diseases or again, poison? die somewhere in agony? if cared for they dont care about going outside, plenty can be leash trained or given a secure way to roam like those cat proof aviary like things, if you dont want to put effort into caring for a cat DONT GET ONE, ALL pets require adequate care, and if you think cats are the easiest bc you only have to feed them every now and then IF they come home? you suck, you are an asshole, i hate you and you do not care about them, if you just want to occasionalyl feed and pet an animal go to the petting zoo

(this is about pet cats of people who can absolutely afford to keep them healthily inside, i know feral cats and those in poor neighbourhoods are a thing, even if not here where i live, and thats a whole other but still similar problem and not the point of this post)

[amarayys]

DRDT episode 13 theory. So.

so i was meant to be making a general episode 13 analysis video. but um. i dont have the energy for that. so what am i gonna do instead? TALK ABOUT TERUKO try find out wtf david is doing in this scene

SO. time to find out what possibly the FRUITIEST look ever from david means!!! disclaimer:

I suck at theories. And formatting. Yipee.

I'm painfully unfunny so excuse any dumbass jokes i make.

I'm going to find any and all excuses to rant abt teruko. be prepared...............

4. I may repeat myself a lot. Forgive me if it sounds really repetative... :( 5. Any points surrounded by - these things - are just things that are unlikely, but I think should still be adressed.

So, the context of these images is Teruko revealing "her secret"; You're constantly blaming yourself for the death of your parents and siblings. It doesn't matter that it's not your fault, just that you didn't go with them.

(pls excuse the shitty quality.) She has to be either lying or MAYBE unsure about her secret. Here's why: 1. She had a conversation with Whit (and technically charles, but he was just listening in) about her family. She reveals that she's never known her parents and grew up in an orphanage. She did grow up with her biological brother, but he was adopted by another family when Teruko was five, and she says she doesn't remember him much.

2. The wording of the secret is quite specific - You're constantly blaming yourself for the death of your parents and siblings. Like I've mentioned, she's never known her parents. Even if she *somehow* knew they were dead, why would she blame herself for it? I could see it maybe working in some way, but the next bit disproves it - SIBLINGS. Teruko has only mentioned having one sibling, and this wording is plural. This secret cannot be hers, she only has one brother. - To add on to this

2.5. Maybe one could argue that siblings and parents could be her friends/people she considered family in the orphanage she grew up in. However, the specific wording of parents and siblings, instead of just using the word "family", makes me think otherwise. - Okay, so let's dissect what this means. - I think if maybe she was unaware/TRULY thought that this was her secret, the only point that would support it is 2.5. Maybe she considered people she grew up with in the orphanage her "parents" or siblings", but its just not very likely. While I wouldn't be surprised if Teruko blew up an orphanage or something (/hj) , I think it's a stretch to say this secret is referring to that. - With that out the way, we come to one conclusion - Teruko is lying about secret. "Amari, we know that already, can we move on??????????" yeah yeah whatever i may have just wanted to rant about teruko. MOVING ON. So, what is Teruko's secret? It's pretty wildly agreed upon that Teruko's secret is the one regarding the killing game, which David recieved - "How could I even select what secret to be your motive? Just about everything you've done in your life is worth killing for. The killing game is all your fault."

We think that this is Teruko's secret because: 1. She's the only one that fits it smh. /hj 2. The guy at the start of the prologue (who is probably xander but that is a WHOLE other theory you can find here ) mentions having to kill Teruko Tawaki (how DARE they) after talking about ending the killing game.

My interpretation of this is that Teruko is the reason the killing game is actually happening, though I doubt she's aware of this/the mastermind (or she could be, idk??). A really good theory that I feel explains what I mean by Teruko causing the KG but not being the mastermind is the time loop theory which is linked here. (accirax i love you for this theory /p) Obviously, this lines up with "The killing game is your fault." 3. David gives her THE LOOK right after she "admits" her secret, which sort of maybe kind of implies that he knows she's lying, which he does, since he has the secret. - As for the remaining secret: Xander's secret (which we assume min recieved) is the one Teruko claimed to have:

"You're constantly blaming yourself for the death of your parents and siblings. It doesn't matter that it's not your fault, just that you didn't go with them." Why do I think this? 1. In Xander's bonus video, it is VERY heavily implied that he has survivor's guilt as well as outright confirmed his family is dead. Go check it out for the full context.

2. Xander's secret message on the DRDT tumblr is the definition of survivors guilt. Really self explanatory, huh?

3. XANDER ACTUALLY HAS MORE THAN 1 FUCKING SIBLING. anyway. okay, this is getting a little confusing to remember, so here: Killing game: Teruko's secret, recieved by David. Survivor's guilt: Xander's secret, recieved by Min. (all remaining secrets remain the same.) MOTIVE

So, why would Teruko lie about her secret? I mean, shouldn't she just point it out? And why didn't David point it out? - 1. Teruko is aware that her secret is the killing game one and is lying because she's the mastermind or something. We see her thoughts, so I really doubt it. To further disprove this theory: Teruko has stated like 15 times (/ex) that she doesn't know which secret is hers, due to her having too many secrets. So, yeah, pretty unlikely she knows which secret's hers. Discard this theory. -

2. a) Teruko doesn't know her secret, but knows it's probably bad, and therefore doesn't want to share it, so she lied. Pretty straightforward, really. Now, for the theory that I think is most likely: 3. Teruko doesn't know which secret is hers, but she knows neither of her secrets are the ones left unrevealed. She knows somebody is lying about a secret - but she's come to the conclusion that secrets are irrelevant to the trial and murder, so she's lying about her secret to avoid everyone getting off track once again.

We know that's she's accidentally led the trial in the wrong direction twice now (motive secrets, time of murder) Also, this is the most in character.

As for David: A. David knows her secret, but keeps it hidden in order to cause distrust and just generally fuck Teruko over. He plans to reveal it either post trial or in a future daily life. B. David knows her secret, but earlier, he and Teruko made a pact to keep it hidden. However, since he's a little bitch boy (/j), he's going to reveal it anyway, either post trial or in a future daily life. - Just to add on to this point ^ - I know Teruko's protag and we see her thoughts and all, but Kaede happened, so I don't think this is out of the question. - I think the most likely combination is point 3. and point A. : Teruko's lying about her secret to avoid the trial heading off topic. David isn't calling her out because he wants to use it in the future to throw suspicion onto Teruko and cause havoc.

SO. Let's recap! Secrets: Teruko: "How could I even select what secret to be your motive? Just about everything you've done in your life is worth killing for. The killing game is all your fault." Received by David. Xander: "You're constantly blaming yourself for the death of your parents and siblings. It doesn't matter that it's not your fault, just that you didn't go with them." Received by Min. Rest remain the same as canon. Why can't Teruko's secret be about her family? 1. Teruko never knew her parents, and never mentions them being dead. 2. Teruko hasn't seen her brother since she was 5, and she never mentions him being dead, just adopted. 3. The wording of the secret refers to siblingS, which is plural. Teruko has only one sibling. 4. The secret fits Xander much better - His secret quote is the defintion of survivors guilt, and his bonus episode heavily implies he has survivors guilt, and it is confirmed his family died in the same bonus episode. Why is Teruko's secret about the killing game?

• The guy at the start of the prologue mentions having to kill Teruko Tawaki after talking about ending the killing game. This implies Teruko is the cause of the killing game, whether on purpose or not. Motive for lying: Teruko doesn't know which secret is hers, but she knows neither of her secrets are the ones left unrevealed. She knows somebody is lying about a secret - but she's come to the conclusion that secrets are irrelevant to the trial and murder, so she's lying about her secret to avoid everyone getting off track once again. David knows her secret, but keeps it hidden in order to use it in the future to turn everyone against Teruko and just generally cause distrust in the group. He plans to reveal it either post trial or in a future daily life. **btw, just a fun afterthought - i think either whit or charles will eventually point out the conversation regarding teruko's unbringing and how it contradicts her secret - and david will use that opportunity to reveal teruko's secret. ANDDDD that's it! feel free to correct/add on any points you'd like. this took AGES but i had so much fun!!! i love you drdt. (ESPECIALLY TERUKO.)

[our-queer-experience]

ah yes the transgender urge to scream as i rip out this horrible feeling from my chest

im non-binary, im fine with the terms trans/transgender/transneutral too. I use they/them. i’ve been going by a different name for YEARS atp. people know me as all of these things. i don’t really get body dysphoria like that as far as im aware, really only think i get dysphoric about is how curvy my thighs are but that’s really it. i get more dysphoric about clothes and social shit than anything. as long as im not being shoved into fem clothes, i’ll live. i love me some baggy jeans, shorts, shirts, jackets, sweaters, and even the occasional tank top or muscle shirt. i know who i am. im valen. but oh my fucking god sometimes i feel genuinely a bit insane.

none of my family calls me valen or by they/them, and i doubt they ever will. i’ve come to hate breaks in school bc WOW do i lose myself when im only surrounded by people who deadname and misgender me. i have friends ofc, i just still have such a hard time asking them for anything, even if its just to talk or hang out—which leaves me with only one person to remind me of who i am. me. but even then sometimes i don’t trust my own judgement. i start to wonder if my family is right. that im just a dumb kid. the closer i get to moving out, the more i wonder if they’re right. they seem to be right about everything else. i keep finding myself trying to find excuses to shove myself into a binary, but specifically to shove myself into being a woman. i keep asking myself, “why can’t i just be a gnc woman? why can’t i just be like all of my fem cousins and friends and strangers i see? why did i have to turn out this way?” i find myself hating being trans more and more, i think especially so since the election. any bit of gender euphoria or joy i get i grasp onto until i practically fucking strangle it because it feels like i get that so few and between lately. since i’m getting closer to being on my own, i’ve found myself listening to and appreciating my family more, especially my parents. but it’s left me feeling so conflicted. the more i grow up, the more i see that neither of my parents were what i thought they were when i was younger, and it fucking crushes me. but i think despite everything i can find things to love about them. but god its painful. it feels like hugging a fucking cactus. even then, i don’t wanna disappoint them. sometimes i feel i have, and i hate it—but i also feel like i appeal to them so much sometimes that im disappointing myself. the question that constantly rings in my head is: do i betray my family and be myself even if that means cutting them off or refusing to compromise with them on that, or do i betray myself and drain myself with this song and dance of wearing the carcass of the girl they will ALWAYS see me as but i utterly hate pretending to be?

I find myself falling into the latter more and more. I want to love my family, i really do, i dont want to have any grievances with them, but there’s this part of me that is so fucking sick and tired of being complacent and just wants to absolutely rip a new one into anyone who denies my very existence.

I don’t know. i just wanna fucking be valen. god.

tldr: do you have any advice for dealing with that transgender urge to scream as i rip out this horrible feeling from my chest lol?

first of all:

🫂

second of al: get a gender affirming therapist and find little moments of joy in your life

[x--sinner--x]

to the anon who struggles to cum bc of their meds: first of all, know that it is OKAY if you don’t finish!! it can be frustrating for sure, but an orgasm isnt the end all, be all, only goal for sec/masturbation!!

but there are certainly some routes you can take.

you could lean into it, turn it into a denial thing. its not that youre not cumming because of your meds, youre not cumming bc you havent been given permission! and good toys dont cum without permission 🥰

OR amp up the stimulation. add visual/audio stimulation if you aren’t already using it, use both insertion (whether it be a toy or fingers or a cock) and stimulation on the clit. add anal stimulation if thats something you’re into. completely overload your senses and overstimulate yourself until you reach that peak. at least, this worked for me.

or… just roll with it! just go until you’re satisfied, orgasm or not.

apologies for the longer message, but i saw that you were unsure of what to say so i thought id chime in!!

OMG!!! To the anon who wrote this - thank you so much for sending this. It makes me so happy that I'm surrounded by people who want to help each other out and be a better community - so I truly appreciate your words here.

Sometimes I don't know how to respond to certain asks as I'm not well versed, but having people like this where other people could get help through my page is so good to see.

I'm sure if the other anon is someone who regularly follows my page, this would be of much help to them.

And I love the phrase "good toys don't cum without permission"..

And just for myself - you can indulge me with some of your filthy fantasies too 🤭🤭

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

„but she wants to be a prostitute, so she should be allowed to be one“

the nordic model is not criminalising prostituting yourself, but prostituting others. the statement above actually means this:

„but she wants to be a prostitute, so men should be allowed to buy access to her body for their own sexual gratification“

and „i want to be in prostitution“ is not a statement that really says anything. it can mean:

i need money/im in debt

i dont have any viable alternatives or i would take them

im being discriminated against on the regular job market (due to misogyny, ableism, racism) and i dont know how to make enough money any other way

i have a family to take care of and exploring other options is too risky

i have substance abuse issues/im homeless and no employer will take me

being a sex object has been normalised and glamorised by the people surrounding me

i have been used and abused by men before so i at least want to make some money off it

im out of touch with my own sexuality and do whatever my sexual partner wants/want to experiment which means i let men do what they want to me

im mentally ill and this is self-harm to me, or i have issues keeping down a regular job

i want to rebel (against my parents, against religion, whatever) and its way too easy to enter prostitution so i chose this

i have been groomed and manipulated from a young age

my self-image and self-worth depends on men wanting to use me as a vessel for their desires

ive become numb to my abuse/ive accepted my fate of being abused by men

the brothel is my family and i have no security net or connections outside prostitution

i live in the brothel so i would be homeless if i exited

ive intellectualised prostitution to a degree i can rationalise the inherent abuse to myself and others

im very privileged and in the fringe minority who can actually pick and choose who pays me for sex but i dont see that only the fact that marginalised women make up the majority of prostitutes allows me this position

my level of education and skill hinders me from getting a job with a viable income

i need flexible working hours that no employer is willing to offer me

i want to open my own business but no bank is willing to give me a credit

im saving for something and there is no other option to make enough money to save some due to capitalism, misogyny and marginalisation

im desillusioned and disappointed with heterosex

ive been told this is my only option

ive been in prostitution too long to exit even if i wanted to

i cope with the abuse by defending it

ive been failed by institutions and people that were supposed to support me

i want to get out of an abusive relationship so i endure the abuse of prostitution to make enough money to leave him and prostitution/my boyfriend makes me

i want out but i cant right now

etc etc

these are not mutually exclusive either. it is clear that entering prostitution hinges on other mechanisms without which no woman would choose to enter prostitution: there is no intrinsical will to prostitute oneself. the ways that lead girls and women into prostitution are diverse but they all lead to one thing: being used by men as a sex object, which means being dehumanised on a regular basis.

[exhelluvafan]

The ValAngel print from recent has made me start looking more into Vivzie and co.’s flaws and… wow. I feel so dumb for having defended her and her shows so blindly before. And the fact it took seeing the VAs commission a piece of abuse to open my eyes…… I feel dirty ngl. And its so weird how other Hazbin fans will bash on you for saying how wrong the ValAngel print is, like I was one of them and just saying I felt so uncomfortable by it and then other fans casted me out just because I didn’t like seeing VAs sign an art piece between an abuser and his victim who he is literally abusing in the art. Its not funny and its not quirky its so uncomfortable….. I feel like I was so blinded by wanting to be cool and liking mainstream media and blindly liking Hazbin and Helluva and forcing myself to like it despite all the weird sex stuff that made me so uncomfortable before but fans would put you down if you spoke out on it. Like fans literally would call you a traitor. I dont think its a healthy fandom.

Hey, Anon, first of all, I'm proud that you managed to finally see through all of Viv's bullshit and realized that all this "hot" and "quirky" SA is actually wrong, that already puts you leagues above the rabid Viv stans.

And also, I'm so sorry you've been cast out from others just because you had a differing opinion, but don't worry, you're not the first and you'll hardly be the last, after all, that's what the Hazbin / Helluva fandom is currently: just communities filled with gatekeeping stans that won't hesitate kicking you into the curb if you have a slightly differing opinion from Viv or the fans themselves, and you're right, this isn't a healthy fandom, but this situation ain't going to get any better since Viv only keeps rewarding the toxic behaviors of the fandom.

My advice for this is... Run, run and keep running and never look back, Anon, the Hazbin fandom won't miss you and they would rather keep dickriding Viv before admitting their faults, so you did well realizing all this, I just hope you're doing okay by now, Anon, and remember to surround yourself with people that actually like and appreciate you for who you are.

[pathologicalreid]

omgggg hey it’s me the odyssey anon i hacked your super awesome mutuals account ahhahahahahahaha moving on

ok so people are saying knowing what the odyssey is is a privilege because they’re under the impression that it’s strictly an english novel and not everybody knows english?? and THIS is coming from the people who are on classics twitter??😭😭 do they know google is free

i’m not really on twitter so i don’t entirely get it but going off of what you’ve said for the sake of an interesting conversation here (which you can choose to engage in or not! i am by no means trying to harass my fav spencer reid writer and i understand not everybody likes to debate for fun and it can come off as aggressive but im actually just a loser and a nerd😁), i still think whether or not you have even heard of the odyssey is inextricably a matter of cultural context informed by your socioeconomic status and location, whether that be in america or abroad. i ALSO acknowledge media literacy and literacy in general are at an appalling all time low. it is generational and socially reinforced so kids just aren’t socialized to pay attention in school or be interested in what they learn which sucks and is so hard to watch like these kids are gonna be impossible to have a conversation with one day because the culture and the system are failinggggg them soooo hard

also though a lot of people just don’t engage in media to the level that they’d realize it’s a retelling of or incorporates themes from classic literature, but beyond that, it would require a familiarity with classic literature that is just not ubiquitous!! lots of people who’ve read the book don’t realize that a court of thorns and roses is a retelling of beauty and the beast, and even fewer people know that beauty and the beast is a retelling of eros and psyche. it all depends on how much quality education is available to you. so i guess in that sense it sort of is a privilege, because culturally pervasive or not, even the most bare bones knowledge of classic literature requires an education and the ability to actually engage with your education. but also like i said these kids are just NAWT locked into their schooling at all i dont know what it is in the zeitgeist that encourages the active dismissal of education among students. maybe they’re all just pessimists and disillusioned by the world they’ve been born into so nothing matters to them or maybe im projecting

n e wayzzzzz promise this is NOT mean spirited at all i literally just like talking and think this is super interesting and nobody ever wants to talk with me about this stuff so i am seizing my opportunity but i also know my intense desire to debate is actually a deeply unappealing trait so if you hated this and you want me to deactivate my blog let me know i will show myself out🎀 also jesus i am yapper of the century omfg and watch none of this even be relevant IM SO SORRYYY FOR PUTTING AN ESSAY IN YOUR INBOX

sam odyssey anon nereidprinc3ss this is like a marriage proposal to me i'm not necessarily interested in debating the reach that the odyssey does or does not have i do want to share this because it raises an interesting point surrounding media literacy and literacy in general which is unfortunately one of my favorite topics ever. school-aged kids these days are victims of their environment where they are not only being encouraged to develop critical thinking skills but they are also going online and developing an attention span catered to seven second tiktok videos and depending on having information fed to them as opposed to contributing to their own edification. i elected to entertain this topic as a whole on tumblr as opposed to twitter because i believe twitter is a more vicious platform BUT im digressing!!! from what i've seen thus far it's much less of a socioeconomic issue and more of a location issue but i'm basing that conclusion on my irl social circle and tumblr following/mutuals. i will have to come to terms with the fact that i will likely never have a true answer to this conundrum but c'est la vie.

[lawlieisinsane]

now that i finished isat for real and saw the ending, I have many thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!! but mainly. I. I. i'm gonna go crazy.

getting personal a bit! I talked about this on stream so I guess doesn't really matter besides being perceived (ew gross get away from me). but i... i... appreciate isat so much for the representation over having trauma and then not remembering shit about yourself. sometimes your whole childhood, or, fuck, everything. because, guess what, that happened to me! Because of trauma, i barely remember anything from before I was 16, and the little I remember is either fragmented shit i can't make much sense of or, you know, trauma. and still, today, i struggle with how off I feel from being this way. I see people talk about their childhood, things they did as kids, their family, where they lived, and I see I think "oh cool... I should have those memories too, shouldn't I?"

nowadays I did come to terms with the fact that most of those memories I do not want anymore nor need (they're gone for a reason and I'd rather make new ones I like instead), despite therapists insisting I do stuff to remember them (whole other issue). Sometimes, life gets bad anyway, and I get reminded every so often that not all I lost was bad, and I resent myself for not remembering important facts about friends or people I really treasured despite it all (hello my ten year-long friends, i love you, I'm sorry i don't remember everything). god knows I thought to myself " Aren't memories what shapes a person? Well, I don't have many... Am i really a person, if I lost so much of myself? What if I was horrible? What if I don't deserve anything good at all? I only remember bad stuff, after all." or even "Am I wrong to miss a place that was probably bad for me?", or even "do I know myself if I don't remember? WIll I ever?"

And just. Just. The Mal du pays fight. Siffrin, king, everything surrounding this issue in general, hit too close to home.

Getting even more personal, so TW for suicide and evil thoughts

but I almost gave up everything for a time! I thought I couldn't do shit anyway and I'd always live with the fact that I was a broken, incomplete person. And you know how I got out of it? guess. I dare you. or maybe dont. im not your dad.

I made myself a friend.

My friend wasn't so nice, not all the time. In fact, they were an asshole and I hated them sometimes. But they were there to support me. They were just a character of someone that came around and was meant to protect me, and I, even who knows how young, knew it, but didn't care-- if I had no one to talk about, then I`d make someone. I knew it was me, at the end of the day, and just me chatting with myself in my head. I knew that. But still... They felt like someone else, still. Someone real. Someone that believed I could be better, that I had worth to this universe, that I could be happy one day. they were there because I just, dunno, wished I could have a friend.

so, fuck, man, I'm so happy my favorite character of the game turned out to be who they are! You!! You're just like my friend that's not real!!!! I love you!! And I think you're worthy of love, too, even if you were awful sometimes! you've always been worthy of love. even when you thought you weren't. I love you. I love you! I love you. I'll always love you and keep you close to my heart! And I want you to be happy with me!! Thank you for believing in me!!!!!!!!

so yeah! I started bawling! I had to pause the stream for a bit because I needed to sob and cry!

I was never one too big about representation in media, not for myself anyways, though i did always wish to see this represented somehow in games-- if only so to confirm to myself I wasn't crazy or making shit up-- maybe I did actually remember and just pretended I didn't, who fucking knows! I'm not a human brain memory expert!

But I'm so happy that, even in fiction, i wasn't the only one, that i'm not crazy, that its being recognized that sometimes trauma fucks up with you so badly you get little to no memories to the point that sometimes you know things that you have no ideia where you learned. I`m so happy that, island vanishing or not, I got to see myself in both Siffrin and Loop, and I got to love them.

Masterful play. heck.

I love you, Siffrin. I love you, Loop. I love you, isat game developer. Thank you! Thank you for seeing me. I didn`t know how important it would be before. I never knew.

And the silly little character i made to help myself: I love you! I don't need you anymore, but I love you, and you'll always be with me, close to my heart. And, and!! Guess what?? We're happy now. We can keep going.

We can move on now.

[anacoreee]

random, very messy shifting rant (but im mainly just yelling at myself) ♡

this is very random, but i think one of the reasons why some people might not be in the best relationship with shifting is because they're afraid of failure.

for example, some of my earlier shifting attempts. i attempt shifting but i don't end up actually shifting because im so worried with the idea that i won't or can't do it to the point where shifting becomes a burden because I'm trying to escape this reality instead of actually focusing on shifting. I realized that this may be the main thing holding me back. i know I'm capable of it. i know anyone can shift because people have done it and we are infinite beings. we are so capable. period.

this is why i want to get rid of the thoughts that come to mind the second im about to shift. literally who cares? why are you even thinking about it. "but then ill have to go to school tmr morning if i dont shift! yadayada cri cri cri" .. ok, but like ur physical body is going to anyway.. and like... what if u do shift, genius??.. yk whats cooler?? being in ur damn dr! like be soo fr if u want to shift and you believe in it why are you so worried about 'failing' like it's not even failure. that's lowkey just a step closer to shifting. you're finding out what you could do differently, what may work for you better.

also linking to the part about being worried about this reality, they shouldn't be burdens. they're just experiences. experiences are things everyone who is consciously aware of their surroundings will experience(literally everyone ever?? everyone in every reality. even this one, even in ur dr, even in some reality where ur dad and ur science teacher are having an affair and literally only your mailman knows) for example, you go to school in ur dr and u have ur least favorite subject first thing in the morning, for me, I'd be like, 'yeah but like... it's my dr... I'll still be in my dr..' ... ok but like... this reality is a reality just like your dr. be so fr, there's nothing special about that reality more than this one. yeah, it might be ur fav anime, but anyone who's in that reality might just think like how you think in this reality. humanize ur damn reality. It's not much more special than any other one. it might be based off opinion(thats literally why we shift awareness in the first place), yk morally. but actually. every physical reality is a reality that is not much more special than any other one.

sorry this is literally just what it sounds like in my head. ill be thinking about one thing then another thing in like a milisecond. but even just ranting some of my feelings about shifting, this really made me feel much better.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for pretending to be cis online? im a trans man and have been trans for almost ten years now. i am pre-most transition even though i would like to fully transition, due to money and medical phobia complications. i do not pass irl.

a few years ago i attempted stealth (saying i was a cis man) on a discord server before ultimately admitting to being trans because i was afraid everyone could tell, and was informed that even though they even heard my voice on the server, no one there suspected i was afab, and even when i said i was trans, some people assumed i was coming out as transfem, because i had passed myself as a cis man so well. this gave me euphoria, of course, and made me regret telling anyone since i was apparently passing so well.

i held onto those feelings, and a year or so after that, quietly changed my bios and stuff to remove the trans part. a little while after that, i started actively saying i was cis male in my bios and to new friends.

i should clarify this is not out of safety or fear of transphobia, all my family and irl friends know im trans and are 100% supportive, im lucky enough to live in a very progressive area, and my online existence is small and filled with tons of trans and supportive people. it's only because i feel dysphoric when i know people can perceive me as afab, and since i don't have control over that irl, i just want someone in the world to see me as amab, even if im not and never will be.

i also am not by any means a transmed. i myself am also gnc, and many many of my friends are loud and proud queer weirdos, and i am too with everything but my agab. i love the wacky ways other trans folks present their genders and refuse to sanitize themselves for cisciety. i do not think anyone should ever have to water down who they are for any reason and i don't think being afab makes anyone less of a man, just i personally don't like facing the fact that i am afab and would rather people see me as a cis man whenever i can control it.

this might be where the asshole comes in here, because being gnc, being surrounded by so many trans people and being in many "afab dominated" spaces (such as fanfic writers, tumblr, fandom in general honestly) as well as having a lot of trans headcanons makes me paranoid people are going to clock me and even if they don't say anything they'll know im faking being cis. because of that, and to avoid the dreaded "egg" conversations (people trying to insist or imply that ill soon "find out" that im transfem) ive sometimes been telling people when the subject comes up that i had experimented with my gender before and thought i was transfem or nonbinary in the past, so i sort of fit the idea of cis+ and that might be why i feel more trans than cis even though im definitely cis.

i also tell them im intersex and have trans family (both of these are true, though obviously im intersex in a different way than i say) to get them off my scent.

i know i dont owe anyone my agab, but when all is said and done, i am lying about my gender and history with gender exploration, and i kinda feel like im disrespecting other trans folks by implying it would personally feel better to be cis, like i can't relate to other trans people saying they never want to be cis and the goal of being trans isn't to be cis. but i do. i also worry that having trans hcs (including in sexual contexts) for characters while im presenting myself as cis makes people think im a chaser.

anyway sorry this is long, but aita for lying about my gender?

What are these acronyms?