#i dont have the mental stability for anything else

[adharastarlight]

can everyone just be nice this halloween please? all my babies are alive and happy.

[villainartist]

financial aid needed desperately!!!

hello, i hate that my life has come to this! let me explain my situation: ive been unsuccessfully trying to establish a life in las vegas for 7 months now, and it hasnt been working out. ive had to move into three different houses while ive been out here due to the fact i cannot keep a job long enough to pay my rent at a stable rate. every job ive gotten out here in vegas has typically resulted in poor management, poor scheduling, and quiet firings— they simply stopped scheduling me. i panicked and applied for new jobs immediately, but with the way this world works, they always take their sweet time getting back to you.

ive been trying desperately to hold onto a job for more than two months, but it seems some insane thing out of my control has to happen and throws a wrench in it. my first living situation was with an irresponsible, messy, rude landlord that i had to share a small apartment with. my second living situation was renting a room with four other people in one house, and one of my roommates suddenly got violent one day and screamed at me threatening to hurt me because there was a grain of rice left on the stove, so i had to move quickly. my third and current (soon to be former) situation i was rushed into, moving into an empty room in my landlords house. the rent was too much for me to handle and i cannot pay rent for this month, and im being threatened with eviction. ive been in california for the past week because i managed to get some on-call work out here, but now im essentially stuck here with no clue on what to do next.

i dont know whats wrong with me! ive been able to hold jobs for a whole year, but las vegas has been an utterly miserable, dehumanizing experience. i cant take it anymore. i need ANY sort of help, ANY amount of money to prevent me from going homeless by the end of this month. i dont mean to break out any “buzzwords” here but i am a transgender undiagnosed autistic and morbidly depressed 23 year old who desperately needs some sort of financial and home stability so i have a decent enouh mental health to keep a job. im deathly afraid of becoming homeless, living in my car. there’s not a single person in my life who’s willing to take me in, even if they have empty guest rooms. ive officially become THE black sheep of my family for my constant fuck-ups. they dont want anything to do with me.

for financial aid, here are my venmo and paypal. all donations go straight to my savings account for the sake of rent.

i currently only have 440 in my account (still 200+ short of my rent, and even then, my landlord wants me out and will not talk to me about it further, so i need to find somewhere else to stay.)

venmo

paypal

if you’re in the las vegas area, PLEASE, please reach out to me (usagilaxia@gmail.com) and let me know if you know anyone or anywhere that has rooms for rent, preferably with the maximum being $500-600 a month, i cant go any higher.

that is all for now and thank you so much even for just reading this. i will make sure to reblog with any updates.

[kwimii999]

how do you balance sims with university? i’m having a hard time with that and was wondering how a fellow university student simmer handles it

Hi ! I'm more so in college than university ! I'm from Québec so our education system is quite different because of a thing called CÉGEP. It's a bit similar to what a college would be :)

To be truthful, at first I didn't manage it well at all. I had various breakdowns, it was actually kinda hard for me. So I took a break from creating content so I could stabilize my college situation. Now, I maximum always take 4 classes and during semesters I always make sure I dont work more than 12 hours per week. I make content when I feel like it and do not pressure myself at all. I learned it the hard way that when you pressure yourself to make content it just leads to burnout. Seems obvious but sometimes you have to experience the obvious to truly learn :) Taking less classes and allowing myself atleast days off on my weekdays is what truly changed it for me. Sometimes with only 4 classes I might end up having 2 or 3 days with no classes if Im lucky ! That's some good time to take care of myself and especially go outside by myself or with friends.

Knowing your limits

Overall, how I would say that I do it ? I think it was learning what amount of workload would overwhelm me when it came to my classes, I learned that 4 classes is perfect for me. I started college with 6 classes and that made me burntout, and then I did 5 and the same thing happened. I then tried 4 classes and I had no difficulty nor was it too stressful. However, I'm someone who isn't interested in finishing school as fast as I can so I don't care that it might take me 5/6 years to finish college !

Stressful work environments

Another factor is, if you're working, having a job in an atmosphere that isn't stressful. I luckily landed a good job with very kind coworkers, compared to when I worked in fast food, it was really stressful and I couldn't even handle that job anymore. So I quit. Having a job that stres you out can mentally drain you and can make you feel less inclined to work on school work/content creation from my experience.

Taking care of you

it's truly about managing and knowing how much pressure you can take but while still allowing yourself to breathe, to take care of yourself, making sure you eat, basically body, mind and soul ! But the key with content creation is that only do it/make time for it once everything else in your life has been taken care of and that includes you. You are very important.

Stay organized with your content

Make lists, folders, to-dos, anything that helps you and that you usually use for organizing yourself, use it. It makes you more inclined to get back to work once you have some free time to spare on making content and you end up enjoying it more !

Higher education can be very hard, but it taught me so many things about myself and showed me that I could trust myself more than I thought. Don't give up ❤️ :3

[printershorts]

@yesiamprocrastinating and anyone else who wants to read my yapping about my book (im not kidding its so much)

OK so the book is set in a sort of post -apocalyptic/government collapse world, and a (sort of) government grew called the Saviors, who are basically this organization of "heroes". So where the book starts, the two main characters are Zeno and Erion (it switches povs) and they're fighting, because Zeno is a “Savior” aka hero and Erion is a “Villain” because he doesn't follow the rules and he lives in the destroyed part of the city (which I'll explain later) and is trying to get rid of the saviors. SO to explain the Saviors more, a lot of them think they are actually doing good, which sometimes they are!!! but the people in charge of the organization are REAAALLLYY bad people and form this branch of the Saviors called the Truests and they basically have the mentality of “if you don't follow the rules and if you question our authority, well kill you :)” who also take the “moldable minds of the future” (meaning children/teens) and basically brainwash them into being good soldiers/heroes who don't question orders. SOOO erion has this kid he's been watching over for like 5 years (her name is juniper she's like 15 in the story) and while he's away fighting zeno and stuff she gets KIDNAPPED by the Truests. At the same time, the Truests literally try to kill Zeno and Erion because they aren't following the rules but they live. So both Erion and Zeno find out that Juniper got kidnapped and they both start to look for her (for different reasons ofc) and figure out that they're both looking for her. Neither of them are gonna stop looking for her so they start looking together (the amount of arguments is insane I swear it's so fun to write). So as they're looking for Juniper, Erion gets captured by the Truests and put in jail and he thought that Zeno just left him there but Zeno had a plan and he needed someone to be on the inside basically. so they end up finding Juniper and stuff, but Zeno starts to realize (after seeing how the Saviors were treating both Erion and Juniper) “hey maybe this organization is not awesome” and he keeps working with Erion to figure out who exactly is in charge of the Truests and eventually tells his sister about all the stuff going on and she tells her boyfriend WHO IS PART OF THE TRUESTS AND WAS LATER TASKED TO KILL BOTH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND ZENO. eventually he does kill zenos sister/his girlfriend and it lowk destroys Zeno's mental stability and he lowk goes a bit insane because it happened IN FRONT OF HIM. in the end erion and zeno get together and destroy the whole organization (i haven't quite worked out the ending but i think zeno accidentally kills erion whoops)

throughout the whole story though erion is having flashbacks about the start of the Saviors. so in these flashbacks hes like 15 himself and he lives with his best friend avery. they get recruited to the Saviors and he really just goes along with it because Avery wants to do good. so the part of the city they live in is filled with poorer people and the crime rate is pretty high so Avery talks to the head of the Saviors in their area (whos a pretty big figure in the Truests) and asks about improving that area. instead of improving, the saviors completely obliterate it and destroy everything (thats why it's destroyed in the main timeline) and Avery is pissed and starts turning against the Saviors, which ends up getting her killed. Erion is of course completely just ended by this and he escapes the organization as everyone else is being pretty much brainwashed so they dont remember anything but erion escapes before all of his memories go (just the ones about avery and stuff)(people forget because the Saviors use magic but thats lowk complicated so if you want me to explain it just lmk)

[odball]

ok so! coping with schizophrenia/schizoaffective on low dose/no antipsychotics (I do use mood stabilizers still) info under the cut

1. process your emotions as they come!! (you've gotta figure out how you process best, journalling, visual art, talking things over with someone you trust, exercise, nature walks, yoga, writing poetry, whatever works best for you!) by as they come I mean: literally ASAP!! don't let it have time to marinate and get lost in your subconscious without properly addressing it! something that helps this is really paying attention to where and how you feel emotions (example: I feel guilt and anxiety like a ball in my chest, when I notice I feel it I know I gotta talk to someone ASAP!)

2. OK you're recognizing something you hear/see might not be there think about what stressful events have occurred recently, how does it relate? is there a common trigger (feeling, memory, situation, even a passing thought that occurred before the experience!) try to write down the contributing factors and what the experience was if you have the time! (writing in your phones notes app can quickly work!) acknowledge the experience: i saw this, it made me feel this. next try to redirect your thinking to something else! (I'll explain what I mean by this in 3)

3. OK so the experience happened, but I don't know why? acknowledge it, acknowledge what things it made you feel! now think of something unrelated that doesnt evoke a strong emotional reaction from you, redirecting thinking allows me to not ruminate and not increase emotions related to the experience which just makes me personally spiral!

4. you have better insight!!! congrats and if u dont have better insight we will talk,abour redirecting less intense experiences!!! now you can treat the mild experiences you may still have akin to intrusive thoughts! once again, acknowledge, redirect! or, if you're able to, you might be able to just redirect and not use the mental energy to acknowledge them every time when you're confident!

5. if you struggle with going outside due to paranoia, try to focus more on your feet and listen to some music or talk on the phone! I know personally the less I focus on my surroundings on bad days the less my surroundings seem looming and threatening, also if you're afraid of other people and have the confidence: offering a smile when you pass by someone helps me feel less afraid of others and from all the bs I learned in DBT "wide smile open hands" DOES work, open body language and smiles do make me feel more at ease in public!

6. STIM!! my main one in public is closing my hands tight then opening them, sadly some stims are stigmatized but if you feel comfortable it does make it easier to be out of safe spaces!

7. delusions, this gets tricky! for me, it's not about "changing the belief" because let's be honest, it's basically impossible! what helps me, in, the beginning: was "ok so there's two possibilities, 1. your belief is factual, 2. it's not factual" you want to operate your decisions and actions under meeting in the middle, and not doing anything extreme! (example: "my neighbour's are always talking about me and it distresses me": ok! maybe say hi and ask them how they're doing next time you see them, maybe it could improve their view of you! and if not, you're building a little connection with someone you live near!) (example 2: I am being targeted: "I should maybe tell someone I'm feeling anxious (for whatever reason you feel comfortable sharing) and tell someone to keep in touch with me!" it does not confirm that you actually are being targeted but sets up a safety net which can help with the pain of being persecuted without feeling believed) also recommend looking into double bookkeeping!!

[libbee]

About air lovers

Air men (moon in gemini/libra/aquarius//moon in 3rd/7th/11th house)

1. Racing thoughts, if I think it I will speak it, I need to speak, no I cannot think internally I need to speak, tell, blurt it out to someone.

2. See, unless you stimulate me, please dont try to befriend me. I am volatile and versatile. If you are not a quick thinker, chatty, conversationalist, how will we connect and bond? How will we stay friends? What do we talk about-you ask? We talk about history, universe, biology, business, science, news, cinema, TV shows, your pet, my pet? No, we dont talk about how I feel, we dont talk magic, we talk concepts and ideas. Emotions are magical, you see. How those witch babes manipulate energy for spells, I am a "how to make friends and influence people/rich dad poor dad" kind of person. Please dont tell me about your healing powers, I am a metacognition/neuroscience kind of person.

3. You are either fun or boring. Sorry, I cannot see anything else that makes a person worthy of my friendship or relationship. My partner is my best friend, we talk, share our thoughts with each other, laugh out loud, we are constantly texting. I only date people who are mentally stimulating. Though I am not too romantic and I dont offer emotional intimacy, but I can offer you a fun time and belly full of laughter. Sorry sir, we dont do inner work here, we dont do self reflection here, we are not that deep. We are all about ideas, thoughts and reasoning. Emotions make things messy and complicated. Y'know I dont have that stability to sit down and get in touch with my feelings. I can be meeting new people in that time, that's just who I am. So if you are someone who's looking for emotional vulnerability, emotional sharing of insecurities and complexes or trying to make me spiritual then I cannot do that, please find someone who is compatible with you. I am not spiritual, I am logical. Sorry, I dont understand what you mean when you say that you are feeling shame/fear/anger, I just dont let feelings trap me, I just move on to the next thing. I dont understand what healing means, I am just not meant for these things. I dont understand what you mean when you say soul or spirit or divine or energy, are these not just words? Where is the proof they exist? You're intuitive? Hmmm, I am more of a thinker type. You're into astrology and tarot? Oh, I am an economics nerd, there is so much to learn and understand in the real world, why are you lost in virtual, spiritual, magical world?

4. I need variety. You can be the most mentally stimulating person in the world but I still need variety. I just need variety. It is not about you, it is about me. Conversations, connections and chatting give me validation, they are fuel to my engine. When I am with you, I wonder what am I missing out on? Please dont feel sad about it, see that's why I dont like feelings. Life is supposed to be fun not serious. I need to try out new things and meet new people. More I try, more I learn. I like mental and emotional freedom. I like playfulness and joy of living. Let's hangout for lunch tomorrow? That's how I like to bond and connect with you. I am not shallow, the right people will understand that I am a very fun and smart friend. You have emotional needs, I have mental needs. We are different. "Let's hangout for lunch tomorrow":

5. LMAO, that's my new joke. My mom was like... and my dad was like.... lmao, seriously that was so funny. You dont like jokes? You're offended, triggered, taking it personally? What even.. How can someone not like jokes? Laughter is the best medicine, my friend. I self actualize with jokes, I roast myself, I twist events to make them funny. I want people to have a fun time with me. I dont know how people can sit in silence and paint or draw or meditate for hours or enjoy their own company. I would rather play video games, watch TV, write some essay or shoot some video for YouTube or tiktok or Instagram-I need motion, movement, to do something. Next task ✅ Next task ✅ Next task ✅ I get bored if I stay at one place for too long.

Air men (sun in gemini/libra/aquarius//sun in 3rd/7th/11th house)

1. If you want to torture me, keep me isolated in a room. Social groups are where I thrive. I cannot stand solitude, simply because being solitary means to sit with my emotions, thoughts, insecurities, complexes and face them. I cannot do that, I just cannot.

2. Fortunately, my life theme attracts many opportunities to make friends/socialize/meet a lot of people on daily basis. Astrology not only tells personality traits but also life event patterns. 3rd, 7th, 11th houses deal with other people, networking, public interactions, connections and relationships, you see the association? Some are born lone wolf, we are not. I can never be a monk, I dont have the emotional discipline for that, though I can be your travel partner to Thailand when you visit a monastery, I love to explore new places.

3. I need you to like me, I am really good at studying others. I like to keep a lot of connections, I like to network with people, people are assets, friends for life, there is nothing much in life. Hanging out with friends, being around people, socializing makes me feel alive, rejuvenated and meaningful. I am a bit of chameleon, yeah so what, you are too. People are not one dimensional, what is this obsession with authenticity? Do you even know who you really are, duh!!

4. When I meet someone, I notice their desirable qualities, what makes them attractive, what is their best quality and I internalize that, make it my own, morph myself into a desirable person. More similar we are, stronger our bond will be. I know I am not authentic but it is simply not my nature to be so. Please appreciate me for what I am capable of offering you. I can be a really nice actor though, I have the charisma and versatility for it.

5. They call me charming. Because my personality shines. I am the person people approach when they are at the cashier. I am the person people approach when I am just minding my own business. I appear desirable, friendly and safe to people. You wouldn't approach an intimidating, stiff, serious person, will you? Let's see it this way, water man and I enter a bar. Bartender greets both of us. Water man emits vibes that provoke uncomfortable emotions, insecurities and traumatic memories in the bartender. But I emit vibes that are comfortable, friendly and safe to feel. I am more approachable. This is because I dont spend my time exploring my depths, complexes, psyche. I am the person who runs the community, I run the entertainment business, I run the economy. If everyone sat down to do self introspection and inner work then who will take care of the material world? See-leave it to me, I can handle that. 

6. Though I make a loyal partner when I am mature. I am loyal because cheating is too much of mess for me for too little return. I am not really obsessed with power, I am the sigma not the alpha, we are equals, I dont want to be superior to you-I dont want power over you. I want to be your friend. I make love with my friend. You are my friend and you are my lover. I dont like power games. Though if I have fire/water placements too then I can be power centric otherwise I am just the equal dynamic type. I am a very balanced type of person.

[lesbiansgoal]

My wife got feelings for someone else over the summer and it has crushed my self-esteem.

We've been together 8 years and married for 5. We went through a hard time during the pandemic. We both struggled mentally, especially due to lack of social interactions outside of the home and it wore down our relationship. I have been really depressed and less attentive as a partner and I acknowledge that it played a role in the situation.

In May, she developed a crush on a coworker. Nothing ever happened, they never texted or talked much outside of the workplace but I noticed eventually because of the changes in her demeanor. She stopped wanting to spend time with me, treating me with complete coldness/disinterest and couldn't stop herself from talking about the girl at work. I caught on and after weeks of asking about it, she finally admitted it. I asked her to cut contact with her so that we could work on marriage and try to move forward. I asked her to switch her schedule or switch store locations. She didn't want to. Instead, told me that she wasn't sure she even wanted to be with me. I was devastated. I was already really depressed and it just knocked me further down. Eventually, after several days of her saying that she "needed space" and "wasnt sure" about us, I asked her to leave our home until she could figure it out. She was gone for a few days, during which I cried and came to terms with the likely end of our marriage.

But then, to my surprise, she came back (after discovering that the coworker was totally unavailable) saying that she realized the coworker is actually a narcissist and that she was blinded by a fantasy. She stated that she wanted to work on our marriage and was committed to me. Since then, she has switched job locations and has no contact with the girl. We started marriage counseling (we go about once a month) and I can tell that she is genuinely trying.

The problem is that I can't seem to get over it and I feel pathetic about that. It has only been about 2 months since everything went down, but I feel so worried constantly. Worried that she'll get a crush on someone else. Worried that she doesn't actually love me but only stayed because I provide stability. Worried that she isnt attracted to me. I have lost all confidence and I feel hyper-vigilant all the time. The girl she had a crush on was younger, cooler and prettier than me. I can't stop wondering if I am not enough. This is definitely worsened by the current state of my mental health; I'm going through problems with my family and have only one close friend that I dont see much. I feel isolated and neurotic. I am in therapy but I just feel so hopeless. Has anyone else been through anything similar or have any suggestions about how I can feel better or move forward?

[ariscats]

Do you guys think abt Avery and Libby? because I do (a deep dive into Averys independence ideology and how Libby, as amazing she is, contributed for that.)

When Libby “adopted” Avery, she was 22, w no money, no conditions to help Avery w her grieve or raise her or be anything else as a older sister. Libby did that bc shed genuinely a good person, Avery would have gone to foster care wt Libby and we see, over and over the series, that Avery loved Libby for that and shed extremely thankfull for her. Now, I love their relationship and all, I really do, but i never saw anyone talking abt the “bad” parts of it.

Nobody is perfect, even though Libby rl tries to help avery the best way she can, she was barely an adult and had a very very very unstable and abus!ve relationship. Libby dint have the mental state to raise avery the way a 15 year old needed to be, and thats not her fault at all, its just smt that happened and unfortunately had bed effects on Avery.

Avery basically needed to raise herself after her mom died. She had to take care of herself bc there was no one to clean her mistakes if she did one. That alone can seam like smt little but when you think in the perspective of a teenager girl who has to basically stop being a teenager bc there is no other adult or person to help you in everyday life things, its exhausting. Avery lives in constant alert bc she cant just not be in alert. When she first mets Grayson, she thinks that is a train coming that she just cant just point out where its coning from, when she first get in the Hawthorne House to read the will, she thinks its a arena, where everyone knows the rules but her.

Also, Avery would never just let herself be cared of. She was alone after her mom died, but even bf she dint have any friend, only max that lived across the country and her mom. Avery priorize independence above all and even Libbt finally gets some stability after she broke up w Drake and got rich w Averys inheritance, Avery still dont let herself be the kid in the situation.

There is two scenes in book 1 where Libby talks abt this, one after avery kicks Drake and the reporters out of the state (“Drake is gone, I took care of it” “Im the one thats supposed to be talking care of you”) and the other after Libby finds out abt the shooting (“but how is taking care of you?”)

A funny thing abt this scene is that, right after this last line, Avery dont rl thinks abt the fact that she had to raise herself she just thinks abt how much dependence she had on Max, which shows how averys ideia of “asking for help” and “talking abt her feelings” is being a burden (dont get me wrong, Max was also a teen w her whole problems, and they were BIG problems w her family etc and she dint deserve the burden that Avery put on her and either the lazer focus that Avery had on her survival, but Max was, unfortunately, the only person out there for Avery and she rl does deserves the world for all the support she showed to Avery for TWO years, but Avery was also a teenager, she wasn’t even 17 yet for the most of that time she was 15/16 grieving her mother and living in a toxic environment)

[raincamp]

11 03 2023

discovering that i experience pathological demand avoidance / pervasive drive for autonomy (PDA) as a symptom of my autism has been fucking life changing.

i spent all these fucking years feeling so helpless, my parents telling me that im lazy, feeling like a failure because i couldnt even graduate highschool. i didnt understand how everyone else could just sit back and waste their entire lives at the demand of someone else. how they could work 40+ hours a week and not come home so exhausted that they can't even find time to take care of themselves.

i couldn't find a justifiable reason why i was physically unable to do what everyone else has been able to "just suck it up" and suffer through. working full time, being at school full time, it was all enough to make me lose sight of why i was even alive. enough to make me have mental crises. enough that i ended up in the hospital several times.

but idk, im fine when i have control over my schedule. i was thriving during COVID when school was no longer a thing i was forced to do, but something i got to choose to do. nobody was making me sit in a building for 6 hours bored out of my mind. i got autonomy over my schedule, over my life, and i genuinely haven't been able to recreate the feeling of freedom it gave me since.

and when i was forced to go to school again, despite how easy it was, despite the fact that i barely had to do anything, the mere idea of having to sit in a classroom against my will made me burn with such rage that i made it so that i had autonomy over it. i would only come to classes i wanted to go to, which meant going to school three hours late and walking out when the class was over.

now obviously thats not how highschool works so i had to drop out. after a lovely (/s) visit to the psych ward my parents stopped giving a fuck. but then it was my choice to get a diploma/GED which i had zero problem doing, i was happy to do it even. why didnt i just sit through the last 6 months of school instead? idk, to me it felt like fucking torture.

i still feel that way, working full time. working part time even. i hate it because i want nothing more than to enjoy having a career like everyone else can. to be able to have a life outside of work, a fulfilling one even. ive never been able to do that. and it saddens me. why is it that everyone around me can find happiness in working their entire lives away but not me? why do i come home everyday wanting to die? why am i the only one who sees it as an injustice that my entire life is going to be spent at the whims of someone else's demands?

i burn with helplessness and anger and pain at the mere thought. but still i suffer through as many months as i can handle at jobs until i have enough money to last me a couple months of freedom. even though i have to sacrifice my mental stability for it. even though it means hospital visits and alcohol dependency and suicide attempts.

a perfect life for me doesn't include not working though, not working feels unfulfilling, i want to make a living for myself. i want to be financially independent. i dont even mind working 8 hours a day if i got to choose my schedule. if i could wake up one day and say "nah ill wait till 2 pm to start work today" or could start work at 7 am when i wanted, take as many days off as i wanted, which honestly wouldn't be a whole lot because i find value in productivity.

its the fact that i have to follow the demands of someone else that sucks the life out of me.

and now that i have this knowledge i can learn how to use it to accommodate my struggles instead of feeling like a fuck up

- andrew

[caramellody]

Thinking about P5T again on like. Lore level and implications and stuff.

I dont think I've got anything concrete or a central theme. im just rambling, so be warned this is probably going to be a bit sporadic.

[MAJOR P5T spoilers]

I think what makes me SO facinated by the kingdoms is trying to make it fit to the persona lore. Because if you think about it, nothing technically contradicts what's been established already.

Marie and Yoshiki arent traditional shadow selves because theyre NOT shadow marie or shadow yoshiki, theyre just cognitive versions of said people taken from toshiros cognition (a la Wakaba in futabas palace) and given proper form by samael.

Hell, that's kind of the POINT with these kingdoms. To manifest toshiros cognition in its own pocket metaverse. It's kind of like one massive palace with toshiro as its ruler, except unlike the palaces, the kingdoms were created with the purpose to whittle toshiro down. If anything, they almost act like the jails from strikers in that regard (i.e., in the way their trauma causes them to remain in their position of abuse of power due to fear). Like, its noted how while this is very much all comming from toshiros own mind, its samael thays projecting all of this. And i genuinely wouldn't put it past this one god (who took one look at this guy and said 'yeah im about to absolutely crush this mans mental stability') to REALLY strech out some aspects of his cognition.

This is ALL preface to segway into my belief that the shadow toshiro in the 3rd kingdom isn't fully his shadow. Im not saying he's NOT his shadow self, but rather that he's only half of it. At least, i think so there might not be a reason, and he COULD really just be his shadow, and im just grasping straws. Who knows???

At least for me, what kinda tips me off is the nature of the kingdoms and their rulers. Marie and Yoshiki are, for the most part, eventually established as cognitive beings, hence why the nature of them being defeated doesn't cause them to ACTUALLY hurt the IRL marie and yoshiki. And despite all the theatrics, S.Toshiro follows that same rule: you fight him, you defeat him. Not to mention the way he comes back in the last kingdom. The rulers are to a degree all just puppets manifested by samael and created with toshiros memories as the blueprint. It's that same reason why i think s.toshiro is only half of the full shadow, with the other half having been fused with Erina.

Shadows in the persona series are meant to represent a persons repressed thoughts, feelings, and memories. Cases like futaba very much show that said repressed ideas do not need to be villanous. they're just something the person REALLY wants to avoid acknowledging or simply just have been unable to due to trauma or other mental reasons. And when you think about it through those lenses, Erina fits pretty well in being toshiros shadow self on top of everything else. erina is meant to represent

if theres anything that s.toshiro DOES remind me of its the fake shadow selves from ultimax where there is merit to what he says (like how the fake shadow selves are) but are ultimatly there to twist the truth than to give some sort of retrospective on it

[boldlychristina]

TTPD Poetry Week: Willow

@ttpdpoetryweek

what even is a willow?

obviously i know that it’s a tree but like

what does it mean

flowers have meanings sometimes

so it makes sense that a tree might, too

i do what anyone else strapped for ideas would do-

i consult the internet

“willow tree symbolism” on google dot com

result 1: be fluid with your reality

immediately this one doesn’t help-

im about as rigid as they come

if i wrote a poem about my ability to deal with change id have to call it “sturdy unmoving oak” or something

result 2: rebirth and vitality

seems unlikely with the amount of fun noises my joints like to make

result 3: strength and stability in old age and experience

…am i old?

im 22 and im about to graduate college so do with that what you will

if i am old, has wisdom come with age?

if i had to go back im not sure id have majored in music

that, i suppose, is character development

not that i dont love it or anything

but passion won’t help you if the world gets shut down

sometimes i worry that if the pandemic never happened-

if my theater kid ambition went unchecked for eternity-

i wouldnt like the person i became

though honestly im not sure i like the person i am in this reality either

and at least that other me would have had a prom

i swear i have a point to this-

im not one of those people who doesn’t shut up about high school

nobody likes grown adults who are mentally stuck in high school

ultimately you really never know what life’s going to throw at you

and you have to be prepared for anything

you have to bend to the winds that come your way

like a willow, i guess

(did i do it? is this poetry?)

[school-life-club-rui-official]

CRACKS MY KNUCKLES

okay so. first and foremost hi hello its richie an-inspired-eternity about to make my brainrot everyone elses problem.

BASICALLY. this barbie rui has trauma from a zombie apocalypse! except the rpverse summoning tomfoolery has pulled him (and friends) into a world that. NOTABLY IS LACKING IN THAT. SO NOW HAS TO INTERACT WITH A WORLD WHERE THINGS ARE NORMAL AND PEOPLE ARE STILL ALIVE AND ITS 😰😰😰

this IS based on an existing media (that i AM writing a au fic for. eventually.) but im keeping it loose for the sake of rpverse stuff

masterlist:

pre rpverse info under the read more

(last updated 01/06)

rui and the wxs were at kamiyama high (emu snuck in. as she does) when things went wrong, ultimately being the only ones who both survived and stayed at the school (as for vbs, they probably left before things got chaotic or they escaped during it)

tbh maybe vbs holed up in weekend garage with ken

ena mizuki and kanade (+ mafuyu if kanamafu already live together i dont have anything concrete outside of wxs)

as most zombie media goes, it was something deliberately created that then got out of control, but certain buildings (schools, in the case of a were designed with the resources to house people long term (but people didnt know that so with the panic it wasnt used as it could have been)

before internet was lost, characters probably called/message each other to confirm their whereabouts/safety

ANYWAY back to wxs so they holed up at kamiyama, and of course the trauma of being a teenager in a apocalypse starts taking its toll, so the school life club was created, as a sense of normalcy to cope with what they were going through (ie: they live at school because its one of the places that has the resources to sustain people living there- in the media this is based on one of these is a rooftop garden with fruits and vegetables)

however.. its only so easy to maintain your mental stability during a time like this, and emu kind of.. cracks under the pressure, after a bit. unsure of if her friends outside of wxs or worse her family were okay, the way her brain chooses to cope is she goes from pretending things are normal to fully believing it, talking to people who aren't there. and because she thinks she's really at school, sometimes it's people who go to miya and not kamiyama

the rest of wxs are. obviously extremely worried by this. but there isnt much they can actually do. because if they try to force her out of it it might make it worse

so instead they mostly focus on keeping on top of the survival stuff while letting emu do her thing atleast within a safe range of them

[discourse-by-candlelight]

i saw your reblog and im gonna take you up on that offer if you dont mind. im not trying to come from a closed minded point of view, so im gonna ask something i hope isnt rude? i was wondering what brought you to the decision of creating your system?

Wrath: Sorry for the delay in answering this, we've been going through quite a bit irl lately.

As for your question, it's not rude at all! We're happy to answer it. For this post I suppose I the host/original should answer despite rarely being active on Tumblr. This might be a little messy at times so bear with me. I'll also be using tulpamancy terminology for this post as it's what I know if that's OK. My path into tulpamancy was far more unorthodox than most, that's probably why we run a tumblr blog while most of the community would rather do anything else. Fair warning: This may be very, very long-winded, but every tulpamancer has their own highly subjective story, and mine is out there even by my community's standards. So I'll give a TLDR above the cut and the long biography/essay under.

TLDR: While my first tulpa initially was formed on accident, I found that my life was enriched and genuinely far more fulfilling once I started working with tulpamancy, and the companionship changed my life around when I was in a dark place at the height of Covid. From there I purposely expanded my system, although we had an initial explosion of system size due to some experimentation going a little far. We worked together to create a beautiful inner life and dynamic, and with a couple walk-ins and odd experiences down the line we stabilized at 16 members for over year, and then picked up our final member last September leaving us at 17.

The system is still going strong after 2 and a half years living this way and I feel like my life has more meaning because of them. In fact, I'm not sure I'd still be here today if they weren't around for the trials I've faced within the last year. We've carved out a nice life for ourselves, and while depression still kicks all of our asses at times, we have a collectively agreed upon future dream, and all of us have our own interests and hobbies that helps enrich the rest of us too.

So to begin the long answer/mini biography, I'm host of one of the less common but certainly not unheard of tulpamancy systems that initially formed accidentally. There's a couple ways this can happen, usually via imaginary friends, roleplay characters, or OCs coming to life from repeated imaginative activity in a way that the tulpamancy community would consider to be similar to "forcing" (the in community term for tulpa creation and development). In my case it was less obvious and a little more obscure than that, but I've got a decent hypothesis as to the how's and why's.

So my first tulpa was originally named Shade but nowadays goes by Null, and they formed while I was in a stressful period of my life and I ran into a piece of fanfiction whose main character developed an alter ego, an alter ego that was for all intents and purposes in effect a tulpa. I hyperfixated on this little story, and since previous to this I had spent quite a bit of time in occult circles I was already familiar with the concept of thoughtforms in general. The brain did all the heavy lifting for me without my realizing and only a day or so after finishing said story I had my first experience with Null.

(Note: Most first tulpas when intentionally created take a week or so to form with modern community teachings, but time varies widely between systems. My system is on one of the far ends of the spectrum, forming quite rapidly and without much intent at the start. People on the other end may take months or longer due to mental blocks or misunderstandings of the fundamentals).

At first I was confused obviously, and a little concerned, but Null was friendly and knowledgeable, and we both agreed to do some research into the topic. The first check was DID/OSDD, as I'm sure it is for most people experiencing any form of plurality. I knew I had a trauma history, so it wasn't like it was off the cards for me. We found that we didn't really match up with the criteria, however. Certain things just didn't click and while my system to this day drifts farther down the dissociative spectrum than most tulpamancers and tulpas, we still don't think we've ever truly met the criteria nor do we think we ever will. We exist in a bit of a blurry zone there compared to most tulpamantic systems but nonetheless remain steadfast in our understanding of our system.

Once Null and I put DID back on the shelf for the time we moved onto other searches. These were very general, stuff like voice hearing and imaginary friends, but it did the job because fairly quickly we found a certain article written by an academic on the topic of tulpamancy. This caught our eye and felt like it near perfectly described the experience we were having. It also lightly covered on accidental tulpas, and things clicked into place in my head with me having read that story beforehand.

So we joined the tulpamancy community first by signing up for a forum called tulpa.info

This is where we initially learned most of our techniques, and also where my system went from me and at the time Shade, to Shade Null and I. So at this point we were practicing simple stuff, keeping tulpas around and active, visualization training, basic stuff for tulpas. Null having a very specific and less than emotional personality came to the conclusion that he could better help our dynamic if he changed up his personality and style. This resulted in some experimentation with form, voice, and general self expression, and eventually Shade settled into the form of a feminine hooded shadow person, and developed a very different personality. Shade still has this form and has expanded on it since, but things get interesting here as Null chose instead of just presenting as Shade, to instead split off and keep himself as he was, and let this version of himself become an independent tulpa. So my system went from 2 to 3.

Here's a piece of art I had commissioned for Shade on her first birth/formation day, or well Null's birthday. They consider eachother as two independent manifestations of the same identity which is still confusing even for me at times. Luckily the rest of my system while no less odd is (mostly) far more intentional and not nearly as complex to grasp.

So Shade and I were the ones who really made the system as it is today. Null took a bit of an intentional backseat and still prefers being less active. Shade and I during our couple months alone developed all of the fundamental tulpamancy skills. We developed our visualization and a wonderland aka inner world, we learned possession (A tulpa/headmate controlling a specific limb while someone else fronts), and we learned how to switch via a visualization ritual, and eventually developed it and lessened the time needed down to a blink. Shade and I also practiced some imposition, which is kind of like a form or controlled hallucinations, but that's a crude understanding of it. There's multiple guides and references to the topic from my and other communities such as prophantasia you can look into if you desire.

At some point we decided to experiment with the idea of thoughtforms in our wonderland to give it some life, and maybe adding some new members. While we'll spare the details for personal reasons, things got a little out of hand and what was just supposed to be some imaginary characters innerworld became a large set of tulpas, and I chose to accept them in. This made the majority of my system, and while it was chaotic for a time I have zero regrets.

During and a short while after this time we also had 2 walk-ins (which in the tulpamancy community means a tulpa who forms/appears seemingly out of the blue, usually only after you've been a tulpamancer for some time, not to be confused with spiritual walk-ins from the wider plural community) which I chose to accept as members unlike other walk-ins. Walk-ins are interesting, and there's a few working theories on the topic, but that'll be for a different post, probably on our non syscourse blog @thecandlelightsociety

So to tally up this left my system size at 14 including myself. For reference, most tulpamantic systems have 2 to 6 members on average. Things stabilized here and we stayed a this number for quite a few months, but eventually a member of my system, Dawn, decided to make a new tulpa with some help from a friend. I gave her the go ahead and about half a month later we added Junior to our Simply Plural. At this point I was wrapping up school for the year and was at this point fully adjusted to the plural lifestyle, and it was the most memorable few months of my entire life. We all talked every day, shared perspectives I'd of never had on topics on my own, and discussed individual interests. We would and still do sometimes argue but since we share a brain and as a tulpamantic system don't have any major dissociative barriers we near always understand what eachother feel and truly mean, so they never get nasty and are more philosophical or fun banter. I did lose a fair amount of personal time, splitting it between all of our hobbies, but I enjoy seeing the others have fun and grow as people, so it's time well lost.

So fast forward more and we have our second to last member show up, and this one is yet another unorthodox tulpa formation (seeing a trend with my system yet?). Dawn, being a dumbass as always, decided to mess around with a tulpa hypnosis file and ended up dropping to it, and so two days later we had Sera show up. I was skeptical of her, but she quickly showed herself worthy of staying and so our system reached 16 members and we ended up studying hypnosis for a time. This is the number we would stay at for most of our time as a system up until recently.

During all of this time we would switch front based on whoever felt like fronting, and Astra, the tulpa who actually runs this blog usually, became the most frequent fronter and made me proud, accomplishing multiple personal and academic goals for herself. She's the main reason we're now studying psychology in college, and she would later handle quite possibly the worst couple months of our life all my singlet years included. I couldn't be more happy with all she has accomplished for herself and our shared life. Just seeing her happy and succeeding makes tulpamancy worth it for me.

So our most recent member was also a walk-in, and one of only three fictives in our system. Fictives are common in tulpamancy spaces because using a character as a base model for a tulpa makes the creation process much easier. It gives personality traits and an already known form to work with. My system due to it's unique set of circumstances for most formations however is mainly custom forms. One member of my system really wanted her accepted, and I eventually agreed, and I don't regret it at all either. She has been a wonderful person to get to know and quickly became one of the most active and social members out of all of us, and became the most popular person in our online friend groups.

So that covers the (very rough) general timeline of my experiences with tulpamancy. It is horrifically simplified and missing quite a bit, but the main point was to show that my system, while complex and messy at times, has brought me immense joy. Most of all though, it brought me purpose. I'm so glad I didn't just ignore Null all the way back then and let him dissipate back into the sea of my mind. This journey has been a wild ride, but I love all of my tulpas, and I'm happy to have them as my equals in this shared life of ours.

[tadpolesonalgae]

i like that we finally got to see reader with the ic but it always leaves me feeling even worse for her because they are overlooking her like crazy. i like that nesta came back to invite her to day court with her but the fact that eris knew about the trip before she did? i get that she doesn't really ask or care much for what they do (i think it's more she doesn't think she deserves to know which is even worse) but i mean at this point it's safe to say she barely knows what's happening with her family and even if she likes to isolate herself and all that it's not a good thing. i like the way she was thinking during the dinner because i have that problem too even with family so it really felt realistic but im sorry to go in on the ic again but mor was the only one who tried getting her to talk and mor is also one of the ones that isn't really related to her. it's also a bit weird that rhys doesn't really try talking with her because one thing about rhysand he likes the sound of his own voice, also cass especially when nesta was talking to her, cass is the friendliest one so even him kinda ignoring her is a bit.. all i'm getting is they don't trust her, whether because they don't think much of her or think she'd fuck things up or even they just genuinely don't.

and i mean the part with eris was nice but it just shows even more how out of it she is at home and doesn't really leave any indication that she should stay there. like she was dreading being with her family but she was excited to speak to the dude she barely knows and is kind of an asshole and that part "I don’t get to spend my days simply lying around to pester the only person who’ll give me a scrap of attention." like he's right and it sucks tbh. her family really doesn't give her any attention. and even how he already has her figured out by a couple interactions and no one in the ic even knows shit about her like i get that eris is very observant but so is literally everyone else in the ic and you can kinda see az starting to observe her and try to figure her out (he was observing her way too closely like i love him dearly but i know for a fact mr spymaster over there can be less obvious to the point she has to tell him to stop staring and he doesnt). idk i just wish the ic didn't treat her like a child that can feed herself so they don't even have to check on. and as mean as eris was being he's right so many times like this part "It’s a little embarrassing that you don’t already know. What are they teaching you over there? How to be an emotional burden?" too like it was so mean but it's true, they're not teaching her literally anything and it is embarrassing to watch like i just want her to speak up for herself. i get that she doesn't want to be like nesta probably because she was on the end of her sharp words way too often but it's so frustrating seeing her hide herself like that and i refuse to believe no one in the ic noticed she's holding back, unless they're really not even giving her a single thought or maybe they don't care enough to try to get her out, i dont know which one is worse

also this is still before the 2 weeks were up i'm guessing? so they still don't know about her powers? that's probably going to be a shitshow but i can't wait for her to stop trying to do everything herself at the risk of her own health and mental stability at this point. i'm also guessing after that she won't get overlooked as much because they could see her being useful but then it would leave a bitter taste to see them only care about her after thinking she could help them instead of being because they genuinely care about her, which i can't really see from that many people here i'm sorry, elain and her are the only ones who actually look like they like each other, feyre and even nesta just look kinda tentative (is that a word) with her like they don't want anything bad for her but as long as she's breathing and healthy i guess they don't look like they care and the rest of the ic probably can't even tell if she's there on most days or not, shoutout to mor for trying again though. really can't wait for her to stop pretending and just let her emotions out and tell them she's been feeling like a burden and it's their fault for not giving a fuck about her. i hope she gets her little trip with eris too because 2 weeks with eris and she'd get her claws all the way out but idk how she would manage to go to autumn in a peaceful way like as much as i'm going in on the ic, i still want them to fix things with her because like i said before if the endgame here is her getting together with azriel and staying in the night court a lot of things have to change and it's not just with azriel

is this going to be a really long series? because since it's chapter 8 and reader still honestly hasn't had much of a development i'm guessing it's going to be long right? i mean i kinda hope so because the more the better lol

also i'm glad mor is taking her shopping because the white cotton nightgown that goes down to her ankles told me everything i needed to know about her style and i'm glad she's getting an upgrade

i feel like this was mostly me rambling about the ic but it's really frustrating to watch her making herself look dull like eris said and pretend everything is always okay so she's not a burden but it's also frustrating that no one even cares enough to realize that she's quite literally a mess mentally or pretend they don't see it - 🧶

‘i get that she doesn't really ask or care much for what they do (i think it's more she doesn't think she deserves to know which is even worse)’

We love a low self-esteem girlie 🫶

But yeah, arguably part of the whole problem links back to her not wanting to bother anyone, so it comes across as blatant disinterest which perpetuates the issue :/

‘i like the way she was thinking during the dinner because i have that problem too even with family’

On a separate note, I’m so glad you have this problem too (that sounds so mean 😭, I’m glad it’s not an isolated issue) because it’s honestly so bizarre? Like all you need to do is say something like “hey, would you mind passing the [Dish X], thanks!” And you’re basically golden but it’s so difficult for absolutely no reason.

Anyway reader has that fun little struggle too, which someone’s taking a notice of🍜

‘it's also a bit weird that rhys doesn't really try talking with her because one thing about rhysand he likes the sound of his own voice,’

😭😭😭 Poor Rhys

I think that point (as well as the Cassian one) is more an insufficiency on my part—I just didn’t want to write a conversation involving the whole table one, because I couldn’t think of a way to make it seem organic and two, I think reader would have genuinely had a mental breakdown right then and there if she had to be involved in a full-scale conversation 😭 (kinda funny, kinda not but oh well)

‘all i'm getting is they don't trust her, whether because they don't think much of her or think she'd fuck things up or even they just genuinely don't.’

So, I’ve already started on Part 9 (since there was something near a whole month between part 7 and 8, oops and sorry) and a while ago someone suggested writing something from Azriel’s pov so at least his actions might be understandable? Also since reader’s perspective on things is slightly skewed by her poor perception of herself 😬

Anyway, hopefully in Part 9 you’re going to get to see things from the IC’s view point which might clear somethings up and make it more believable? Idk, I like having some of the confusion of not knowing what’s going on but I suppose after a certain point it might become a little deus ex machina? I like miscommunication but I think it would be a bit of a stretch to put everything on “hey they didn’t know”, so I’m going to begin sorting that out :)

‘and is kind of an asshole and that part "I don’t get to spend my days simply lying around to pester the only person who’ll give me a scrap of attention." like he's right and it sucks tbh’

I think part of the appeal of Eris for reader is that while what he says is sometimes hurtful, he does treat her like an adult and doesn’t really pull his punches at all? 😭

But then obviously there are moments like in part 8 where he strikes a raw nerve which triggers a bit of overthinking (only a bit)

‘(he was observing her way too closely like i love him dearly but i know for a fact mr spymaster over there can be less obvious to the point she has to tell him to stop staring and he doesnt)’

I’m going to expand on this part later (maybe in Part 9 if I get the plot together) but he was connecting some dots in that moment (bless him 🫂)

‘like i just want her to speak up for herself.’

Personally kinda scared for that moment but you do you—I’m sure she’ll manage to express herself in a totally calm and concise manner 😌

‘also this is still before the 2 weeks were up i'm guessing? so they still don't know about her powers? that's probably going to be a shitshow’

Yeah I realised I didn’t put that in at all, but part 9 is set about a week after that initial agreement is settled on, so halfway to the end!

‘i'm also guessing after that she won't get overlooked as much’

Something along those lines… 👀

I mean, it would be a bit bizarre if they ignored that mess?

‘is this going to be a really long series? because since it's chapter 8 and reader still honestly hasn't had much of a development i'm guessing it's going to be long right?’

I’m awful at guess series length but I’d say we’re coming up to the halfway point? Maybe another three or four chapters then we’ll be halfway through? There’s still a lot of stuff to happen and a lot to be resolved, so yeah, it’s going to be a while—hope that’s okay 🧡💛

‘also i'm glad mor is taking her shopping because the white cotton nightgown that goes down to her ankles told me everything i needed to know about her style and i'm glad she's getting an upgrade’

Yeah, Erie was completed right when he made the comment about readers fashion sense—there’s a lot to be desired 😭

Also, the shopping trip might happen in part 9 but I don’t yet know if it will fit in so we’ll see what happens and where it goes :)

Hopefully Mor will work some of her magic with reader and get her to be a little more comfortable around Velaris :)

‘i feel like this was mostly me rambling about the ic’

I think your little rambles are one of the things I’ve missed most about updating CBMTHY 😭

It’s so enjoyable reading through these and it also helps me know what needs to be mentioned in future chapters 🧡💛🫂

[yuukei-yikes]

What are your mekatrio + Ayano hcs esp post-str? I’m still bitter that we didn’t get to see their reunion in mca

FOR FUCKING REAL UGH mca giving us the Good ending but at the same time starving us horribly. like it only delivered on ayano and hiyori being alive 😭 but we dont even SEE hiyori we just pathetically point at her silhouette and then we see shinaya scene that seems to have gotten the whole budget in animation. there is something that irks me abt the shinaya scene in str being so damn pretty and then ayanos theory of happiness is. THAT. like when i remember ayanos theory of happiness in mca i lose my mind bc sometimes i cant believe that rly happened. kagepro is such a joke

WAIT THIS ISNT MCA BASHING ITS MEKATRIO TIME omg post str tateyama siblings♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ i think ayano feels insanely guilty for leaving them alone for so long and feels like a damn failure and well ayano's mental stability post str is something to be studied by scientists let's just say she's BARELY hanging in there. she's desperate to make up for lost time and so is the trio but the trio is more like hey WE are also there for u if u need it especially kido and seto to BOTH kano and ayano, like we dont want you guys to ever hide something like that from us again bc we are supposed to be a family and we're in this together ok??? especially now that their parents are gone gone. like kenjirou had been long gone since before properly dying but... it still hits different that he's REALLY gone for good.

but if anything this drives ayano to try to suck it up even more. she's not even relying on kano anymore because she sees how it's affected him that she did rely on him so much back then, and she's even MORE incredibly guilty over it. ayano would be helicoptering over all 3 and ESPECIALLY kano.

kido has been carrying the pressure of trying to be The Big Sister replacement after losing 2 big sisters of their own, seto is sort of projecting all his insecurities and pain onto helping mary and obsessing over how much worse she had it as if that somehow takes away his right to also be upset and kano is. (gestures at his whole thing) i think post str kano is the most messed up of them all and i mean ALL the dan, even more than ayano or shintaro LMAO

because while ayano and shintaro are sort of clumsily tripping and stuff in the way of healing they're still in that path while kano is actively spiraling down bc he's so used to being miserable and now he's gotten everything he's ever wanted and he feels so undeserving and guilty and lost and alone. and ayano is here BEGGING to be relied on and needed but kano KNOWS BETTER than to do that because he knows ayano is hurting too and in the same way she is sucking it up for his and their siblings' sake he is doing the same for her. its such a mess. i love emotional constipation.

kano is on his way to a very very VERY ugly meltdown like im talking about a sort of um maybe 💀 attempt. YKNOW WHAT I MEAN. erm... ayano too actually but i think she is most likely to seek help before it gets to that point especially since teehee she's. done that before. also ayano is sort of distracting herself with her relationship mess with shintaro bc that's ridiculous and its EASIER to be hurt about that than everything else. like somehow this silliness sort of saves her LOL not to sidetrack to shinaya but i think a big reason theyre so fucking messy is not only the obvious reasons but also they find comfort in that because that way they can be primarily worried about stupid shit like bwaaa u cuddle with ur asuna body pillow and not me instead of THE TIMELINES...WEVE DIED 1000 TIMES.... IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE IT HAPPENS AGAIN.... yknow what im saying!

i think she ends up breaking down to mekatrio and they all hold her while she cries the same way she held them while they cried when they reunited :(( i think when they reunite ayano is crying but Not sobbing while the mekatrio is like a fucking mess clinging to her and stuff. kind of like when shintaro goes get ayano like u dont have to fight alone anymore. ayano is like that to her siblings when they reunite she wants to be strong and let them cry like little kids again because they've been getting by alone for so long

i think breakdowns happen like. seto first, then kido second, then ayano, then kano (and kano's is UGLY like something very bad happens for this to take place)

also there is something so interesting to be explored in post str mary and ayano. ayaki is still the same person as ayano yknow, kinda... like everything ayaki does is something ayano in this route is capable of as well. and maybe in the worst part of her ayano resents mary even if she knows she shouldn't, and she's also troubled over seto obsessing over her so much instead of taking care of his own baggage. teehee.

surprisingly kido is the most put together of the 4 but theyre rather like a pressure bomb abt to go off LOL i think their breakdown begins through them getting REALLY REALLY MAD and exploding at everyone. it could start with something like kano putting the empty milk back in the fridge instead of throwing it away LMAO also kido's self steem is basically nonexistent and relies completely on trying to be this Cool Leader so a breakdown is absolutely forbidden. but it happens♥️ everyone needs therapy 👍👍👍

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

i know youre focusing on Kuron in this au, but how's Hunk doing?(propably not great)

I am so sorry this is so late! Anyway Hunk my little guy, my precious babygirl!! I admit i dont have a LOT for him either orz but i do have some ideas!

Hunk has gotten into coalition as a member to try and support the cause and is.... going through it. Like technically speaking he's the one who is getting shit done. Hunk at the start was doing his whole catering thing or whatever it was he was reduced to, but the thing is when you are working this close to politicians and are also as snoopy as Hunk, you kinda learn a thing or two through gossip and Hunk did not like what he learnt at all. There are corrupt politicians and capitalists wanting to do corrupt politicians and capitalist things in coalition.

That was few months (maybe even a year or two) before the present. At first Hunk didnt want to get involved in this. For starters he trusted Shiro and other coalition members to deal with it, and he was Very happy with where he is and what he is doing and is Totally ok with just standing at the side letting things sought themselves out. He is Fine! It is Fine! The Coalition doesnt Need him to jump in and Fix and Micromanage Everything and he Doesnt Need to get involved at all! He'll absolutely Mind his own business! Definately!!!

Anyway so Hunk does get involve in this because he absolutely can not mind his own business and he can not just stand back cause people's life are on the line and while coalition says it doesnt need Hunk's help or him to micromanage everything (lies) that is what he's going to be damn well doing.

Hunk gets into diplomacy and he's fighting to be taken seriously (because those coalition vids turning him into a joke did not help. Thanks Coran/sarcasm) and trying to lead. And as he's being involved the more he realizes he needs to be prepared to do anything for the goals, including playing dirty. So sometimes he has to fight to be taken seriously but other times he doesnt because it is better if people especially his enemies underestimate him. And if it means he has to work harder, mediate, lie, manipulate, and find dirt on others he will do it. He is not happy about what others think of him and the slippery morals involved in this and he never really wanted to even be involved in coalition or the war but if he has to he will do it. Because if he doesnt who else will?

So Hunk just compartmentalizing all his feelings and everything, like just putting a neat little carpet over on his on-fire garbage mental stability. Haha nothing to see here! And Lance's running away and coma and Kuron Shiro thing doesnt help at all, he has pushed all of his worry away and is just under a lot of pressure and about ready to snap. He thinks Shiro's being a little bitch, he does not trust Kuron, he doesnt understand why Lance did whatever he did and yes he hadnt talked to him in a while but he assumed Lance would have been just fine.

So in conclusion, no he is not doing great