#i dont have the energy to FIND a therapist rn

[lyricsandpapers]

Only 13 hours left of this month, speed run can it get ANY worse? Last night I would have said no. And I would have been wrong

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[soft-healing-space]

My experience with therapists:

I'd like to go a lil deeper into...

Bullshit therapists said to me:

Therapist 1: talked about her vacation and lizards and stuff like that... I don't think I need to get further into how weird and unprofessional that is (that went on for halv a year and I only went cause I was kinda forced to)

Therapist 2:

> No I don't think you are depressed! Im so empathic I could see that!

> Okey here r some figures assign ur current issues to them and put them onto the table (okey a good technique ud think to visualise things and then talk about them or work with them... Nope we didn't discuss them any further at all ever)

> *Me talking about a recent traumatic event clearly distressed and crying* her: uhhhh okey... Moving on...

> No u are surely not bipolar... U eather would be rly sad rn or so full of energy u couldn't sit still there is no in between... (Do I have to explain why this is wrong I dont think so...)

> Your mood swings are just puperty

> U sh? Show me... Ahh yeah thats not that bad Ive seen worse... (Invalidating much?)

> Also they only take people up to 18 so they kinda threw me out the system after my birthday

Therapist 3:

I don't wanna say smth bad bout her because she actually rly tryed... She just said that having a diagnosis is a big label and I need to be careful with that due to discrimination out there... So we worked thru sum things and discussed recent stuff...

Then I gave up on therapy... My symtoms got worse... My mood swings... My anxiety... My impulsivity... My sh... My unallive ideation... Severe insomnia... Motor and verbal tics increased a lot...

I went to see a neurologist...

A psychologist...

Then I got sent to diagnostics...

I have 2 personality disorders (avoidant and borderline) + a mood disorder + an anxiety disorder + a tic disorder

My anger towards the system and unprofessional therapists is valid... I also know there r people out there who actually carw about their clients... And I rly hope I can find someone like that...

[prickly-pores]

mid2023

this app is such a time capsule for me. so many bad memories, so many good, so much growth has occured since i went on here daily for escape, inspiration, community, looking for meaning and solace. damn. my emotions are gratittude and pride rn. love to see it. 

life update wise time, this year, my little sister, newly18, moved in. I spent many weeks planning for, shopping for, and building her dream bedroom, full of bookshelves, fairylights, art, her first double bed, and even a window seat that I handmade using my growing tool collection, and i feel really good and warm about that. While i didn’t move out of home myself until i was sure she’d be safe, I was still worried for her. So its just good to be able to watch over her and keep guiding her through life n healing from the the scars of our childhood. I’m very grateful that my partner and I can provide her with a safe loving home environment to live out the rest of her teens. Especially given the housing and rental market these days. Having a the level of housing security we have is also just something i’ll truly never take for granted. 

I guess thats another thing I’m proud of this year. I’ve put so much blood, sweat and tears into making this house a home, I’ve taught myself so many skills from plumbing, tiling, plastering, carpentry, landscaping and how to use countless power tools. I’ve taken sledge hammers to walls, I’ve pulled up flooring and replaced it, I’ve trimmed out doors, I’ve hung doors, I’ve built cabinets and cabinet doors even benchtops from scratch, I’ve built so many bookshelves and painted so many walls, I’ve reupholstered, I’ve made and hung curtains, I’ve just taught myself so many skills and shown so much determination and pluck in the face of adveristy. I’ve pulled mutiple 80hr work weeks to finish projects I thought would be a simple weekend job. I’ve truly put my heart into this house and I am just so impressed with myself. True, I look around me now and see 101 unfinished projects, but I’ve progressed things so far, and for the first time ever in my life i’ve let myself really see my adhd as something to work with not against and the results have been astounding.... 

Relationship wise. no doubt about it. i am in deep. I used to think that deep love like this wasnt real or sustainable. or that it meant a type of unhealthy enmeshment. but i think ive realised, as scary as it is, u do just gotta be vulnerable, you’ve got to let them guards down to let someone in, to let yourself be cared for, to care for another, and i’ve never felt love like this before. every year that passes i feel closer to him than ever before. i dont believe in one off soul mates, yet our connection does feel like whatever people are getting at when they use that word. wild times. 

Overall checkin wise, I’m starting to feel more like my old self, or should i say my young self, that young girl who used to be full of energy, love and cheek. And that’s something I never would’ve imagined was possible. It really does get better... when you put the work in and find good people to surround yourself with, when u work thru your trauma with a therapist, when u have a partner whos willing to learn and grow with you, who serves as a corrective experience, as a model of secure attachment, age old wounds can begin to heal... 

anyway, its nippy outside rn and i just feel the biggest urge to go for a walk in a wide open field, climb to the peak, and yell into the wind. so imma go do that. 

[3liza]

sort of related to my last post: it is literally impossible to find therapists who are dealing with trauma rn and especially those who are working within ketamine protocol who arent also fucking reiki quacks and homeopaths and trying to put me on a “toxin cleanse”. I don’t think even one therapist I was referred to by the ketamine doctor (who was a fucking naturopath) didn’t have some shit about Kundalini Energy or Toxins or drum circles on their websites.

my last therapist told me to try craniosacral therapy, which is where you lie on a table and a hippie puts their fingertips on your skull “with the pressure equivalent to the weight of a nickel” to “adjust your cranial bones”. 

well i looked this up. it’s been tested because we can actually test stuff like “how hard do i have to squeeze to make someone’s skull bones move”. it takes significantly more pressure to adjust the cranial bones of a rabbit than the fingertip pressure being exerted on a grown human skull during “craniosacral therapy”. it’s placebo. very effective placebo which utilizes the demonstrably healing principles of bedside manner, calm interest in the patient, and the laying on of hands, but placebo nonetheless. putting on a pair of glasses puts more pressure on your skull bones than “craniosacral therapy”.

here i finally found the thread i made about it on twitter where i actually worked out the numbers:

i politely informed the therapist of this, she made a face, and as a result i never made another appointment. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i have a simple request and it is to stop saying Bull Shit to my face, and im not sure why this is so difficult when presumably the people who went through 4-8 years of medical or therapeutic schooling have access to all the same pubmed articles that i do, without even having to use sci hub to get into them. 

trauma is a somatic injury and placebo/reiki/snake oil are somatic treatments, which is why a LOT of CPTSD patients end up there after decades of getting worse in CBT type therapies. but i cannot and do not benefit from them because i simply dont trust goofy rainbow rhythms dorks to heal me with the power of crystal energy beams and you absolutely have to believe it and trust them in order to actually benefit from the placebo.

so what the fuck

[fairycosmos]

my therapist got frustrated with me because ive "given up". like excuse me but what the fuck do they expect when 1. youve been mentally ill and suicidal since childhood 2. youre poor 3. the world keeps getting more fucked up every day. getting a job and going outside is her solution to all that apparently, why dont they understand how fucked everything is lol

ugh so so sorry to hear that :/ it's weird that they'd get frustrated with you over this. as if everything you've been through isn't extremely disenfranchising and exhausting like. ppl can only take so much and wanting to give up isn't a fkn crime or unusual for mentally ill ppl at all, esp poor mentally ill people living under this system. they really should be equipped to deal with it better. obviously it's their job to encourage you and to try to help you function in the world too but man - that must've been so disheartening and just overall unhelpful to hear. tbh i can not stand therapists who act like getting a job is the cure to everything when it is quite literally not. like it can actually sometimes exacerbate existing mental health issues, and no matter what situation a mentally ill person finds themselves in, their illness is always going to present new challenges. bad therapists hate admitting that i think.

you can just really tell when a mental health professional isn't trying to help you truly work things out, cant u? when they're just trying to help you look like you know how to live in society the "correct" way. there's no acknowledgement of how fucked everything is, and that can feel so invalidating. i think a lot of people working in mental health don't want to admit that there's actually a ton of external and wide- scale problems making ppl mentally unwell right now. that it is complex, and painful. that it not just always a matter of a chemical imbalance, or taking some pills or having a few sessions with a therapist and moving on. i really feel for u and again im sorry you have to put up with this. if you feel like you need to connect with a new therapist or communicate to ur current one that theyre not meeting your needs, i would really encourage that. i know it's utterly exhausting and unfair but at the end of the day you deserve to be be understood. and you deserve to not have ur time money energy etc wasted by someone who thinks cosplaying a good little capitalist is the answer to such intensive and deeply rooted hurt. sending u sm love rn. x

[666bone]

.

[vakta]

a little update about what/how i am doing lately . . . .

to put it short: my therapist and my parents dont let me go to school or stay in my dorm so im staying at home for a few weeks (at least); should be recovering, but i dont rly have the motivation to do so, and my digestive issues make it even more difficult

to not put it short:

so im not allowed to go to school bc i badly relapsed. its not a recent thing, ive been slowly loosing weight since october, when after an actually really seriously-taken but still failed recovery attempt i kind of lost my hopes for full recovery. (i can still imagine it in the distant future tho... but to actually start doing it now.... ehh..)

one of the reasons bc of which i have failed is the pain which comes after eating a decent amount of food, a bigger meal, or even smaller amounts of foods that i avoided for a long time. i got fed up (lol) with this, and decided that i would pay attention to eat less to avoid being in pain afterwards.

not a great idea, my friends, not a great idea.

it works in the short term, but it only makes your stomach even more sensitive, and shortly you can barely eat without pain, your damn safe foods start becoming scary, and you just spiral spiral spiral deeper and deeper and deeper into this.

and yes, you loose weight but at what cost?? (i think this applies to any ed that results in weight loss tbh) the weightloss was one of the reasons my parents noticed that something is wrong with me again (or still, rather)

the other reason was the stress. i had become so so stressed bc of this, and not only this, bc school, oh my beloved, just cant fucking chill. what makes it even worse is that there are only 1 and a half years until university and i seriously need to make decisions in relation to my future, but i never find the time for this with the every other thing that is going on at the same time (looking at my biology teacher.. but also no, he actually cares about me i think; im just a perfectionist who takes everything personally, even if it is directed on those of my classmates who dont study shit and dont even care, and not me who literally learns every damn letter for his tests) also i have an upcoming chemistry exam in spring which i also didnt have the time to really start preparing for.

the dorm was just the cherry on top, with all those skinny girls, and the ones who could never not mention their diet or weightloss or even just be quiet during the 'silentium' (the compulsory study time in the dorm). my roommates were always having fun, noisily, happily, while i was sitting at my desk, barely keeping myself together, so so angry and so so SO jealous of them who could enjoy their time. which i didnt have. unerstandable though, they are attending different, less strict schools and/or are 2 years younger.

so living in that dorm and going to school was draining my time and even more my energy, my mental space, my sanity even, and i was spiraling, like badly.

im honestly so grateful for my parents for not letting me stay in that hell for any longer. i have been at home since last friday, and i honestly enjoy it a lot. i have much more time now, i can sleep enough and study without rushing. it is nice, i could even try solving a few chemistry exam sheets from the previous years and it actually went well!! im really glad :D

though ed-wise im not doing so good. the digestive issues are the biggest problem rn. being in pain for hours after a meal just discourages me from eating tbh.

my parents made some rules: i mustnt do any exercise, only a little yoga (less than an hour daily, just twice a week allowed to be an hour long), and i mustnt walk for longer than 30 mins. i think it goes without saying that i can easily break the time-related ones, but at least while doing so i know im not supposed to do that, and i stopped exercising which is progress in itself (not huge but hey). there arent any eating related rules. yet. i say this bc my mom always checks my weight in the mornings when shes still at home when i wake up, and she tells my dad, who will soon get really angry if i dont gain any. he is already angry for my complains about my stomach pain, he says he is never not in some kind of pain (he is 50) so really i should just get used to it. but my mom told me he had told her he thought i should see a doctor with this, so actually he does care about me a lot, he just cant communicate it. me coming home was his idea too. he cant stand seeing me destroying myself and he only wants the best for me, i know that.

i can only stay at home for 4 weeks (with this one) otherwise i have to repeat this grade. or decide to be homeschooled from now on. this wont be an easy decision.

all in all, ive been trying not to worry much in the past few days but soon its time to think about what i plan to do in the future. and i should do something about my stomach too, it cant keep going like this. so, a lot of things to do, but at least im in a calm, supportive environment now (my mom is the one who is always there for me and im super super thankful for her). idk what will happen, i hope things fall into place.

i dont rly expect anyone to read all of this, it was just nice to type it out, but if you did then congratulations now you know my current struggles more than anyone irl!!!! (okay maybe except for my mom, but still)

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Thank you for replying to my ask and having this blog! I didn't want to tell any detail about my ed I thought that would be very triggering for some people cause it's about losing and gaining weight and dieting so trigger warning!!

But I guess I have always had since high school disturbed body image because diet culture starts affecting you very early on.

In college when I have had depressive episodes one way to cope was restricting my eating and then when I lost the weight I gained when depressed I started to feel better and it was like this yo-yo ish many years.

But oh god last year I had so many things that caused me stress I was living in a survival mode the whole 2021 and maybe still am, and idk why I gained weight guickly maybe it was many things combined. Then when things were bad my bf left me and my friends didn't help me and I was left kinda alone and the only way to cope again was thinking of losing weight. So this is such a classic but my ed was the symptom of my hard life situation and way to cope with the anxiety and stress.

But restricting my eating didnt 'work 'like it used to in the past, I havent been able to lose the gained weight and so my energy and time is still focused on losing that weight even now when im my life situation has improved a bit.

I have talk about my issues with doctors and I feel they haven't been taking my symptoms seriously or have focused just on my depression and anxiety (which are caused by ed so this is a fun cycle). Yesterday I talked to a nutritionist for the first time since applying help and she just said what I already know that even tho ed is a mental health problem the only way to cure is by eating. And that I should stop thinking about losing weight cause that only worsens everything (yeah no shit). And that she can't help me cope with the anxiety it's the other healthcare system that should (have) do(ne) that.

The thing is I have triedddd so much this whole time to take care of my eating but if I had succeeded I wouldn't be having any problems with it still u know?

It's kinda ironic how much I know about ed without being able to do anything. First I need to fix my nutritional status I think that's where everyone starts. And after that maybe intuition eating. I need to learn dbt skill to cope with anxiety and depression. And stop stressing about everything everywhere qll the time. Buying new clothes that fit so looking at my too small clothes wouldn't be so triggering. I need to learn self compassion and find a therapist but they are in high demand so that's really hard. I need to find things that I like about myself and repeat those. But everytime when I fail at trying to fix my daily routine and fix my eating routine I think of it as a setback and its a cycle very hard to get off (I need to wake up early to eat breakfast and lunch early so I wouldn't be so hungry at evening and night cause then I can't sleep properly and then I sleep in and then I eat late and then im hungry at evening and night cause I don't wanna eat too much in the evening and then I sleep in cause my blood sugar is so low from not eating enough in the evening does this make any sense at all) and I think I have ibs from so much stress and I think that's actually the reason I have gained weight like I'm bloated all the time. And i dont have any support cause my depression/ ed made me also isolate from my friends and/or they kinda left me also so yeah. Ummmmm this became a lot longer than i thought. if you read this all thank you and also sorry for dumping all my problems here

Sorry that it took me so long to respond to this - my own life situation is kind of taking a toll on me rn, and I've been slow to respond to people. That will continue to be the case, most likely.

But I'm sorry you've found the system so unhelpful! I really think a competent nutritionist should at least be a little understanding of mental health problems, especially when a lot of people coming to them with additional health needs will probably be coping with a lot and might need a little empathy. I mean, yeah, that's not her main job, but healthcare requires a multipronged approach, especially since her "just eat" directive won't be helpful without someone assisting with the mental health aspect simultaneously. I mean, if she frequently works with ED clients she should know that - "just eat" is such an ineffective directive. I hope you find a therapist or a team of therapists that are capable of helping you.

My advice, though? Break it down for yourself. All of these things are a cycle that feed into one another, so making progress in ANY of these areas you struggle in is still progress. And if you let yourself focus on one thing at once, it might not seem so overwhelming. Also remember that everyone struggles with hard days/moments, so if you slip, it doesn't mean you've lost all your progress. It seems an all-or-nothing approach can be really self-defeating. I get it, though - that's definitely something I still find myself struggling with!

I really hope you find more social support! I don't know if you have any online support groups. I also hope it's okay that I published this ask - I tend to do it unless otherwise specified so that people on here don't feel alone in their struggles. I bet there have been lots of ED sufferers who struggled during the pandemic, who have been feeling a lot of overwhelm and who struggle with finding adequate support and on trying to accept their bodies as-is and who are triggered by things like buying new clothes. I'm wondering if anyone else would like to share their experiences.

[voidboyyy]

anyways

just dumping this bc that’s where i’m at rn

feel free to scroll past i just need to vent and this is the only place i know where to

so im in scouts

i dont want to be

ive been in scouts for as long as i can remember

and i no longer enjoy the problem

which is a big problem bc it is one of the main things my dad loves

its a huge stress reliever and a fun thing for him

and i just had the really hard conversation with him that i don’t like it anymore 

we’re moving in six months and the number one thing he wants to do is to find a new scout troop to join. asap.

and i don’t want to 

he’s been telling me that i can quit if i want

but i don’t want to bc a.) i don’t want to disappoint him. its something he loves and something he’s made part of his life and i just don’t want to hurt him like that

and b.) he’ll let me quit if i find other things to do (productive things bc im “still growing and need productive things” (not exactly productive but i forgot the word))

and i don’t know what to do

bc im moving and idk what new school will look like

and i could join clubs

but i literally don’t know what i like to do

i’d just sit and sew all the time but i don’t have the materials and i have to boy everything myself

so idk

i could join the dnd club

but dnd drains my energy

its so much fun but ive always had to be the one in charge and always had to teach ppl which is also hard

i feel really tired after it too

i could join the band but i dont feel like having my soul sucked away and id like SOME free time

and i don’t know how easy it’ll be to make friends bc new place and idk what people are like

he said if i don’t know what i find joy in he wants me to go back to the therapist twice a month (we moved to monthly meetings) but i don’t know how to express my feelings and i just feel horrible dumping that on someone and i know thats what they get paid for but it still feels wrong and idk how to talk to someone

i know i can trust them but its getting over that anxiety

and im scared of being judged for holding this in from them

so yea sorry for the dump but im kinda stuck rn

[materialisnt]

hebrew teacher sent us an email after finding out our beit din is coming up (our rabbi asked about who wed like on the beit din and we mentioned her) and it was just, the sweetest email. she wants to know about our hebrew name but doesnt know were plural (yet) so rn trying to weigh out how to broach that topic cause the name weve chosen isnt really the same like if u dont know, weve got the middle name being the plural of life and the third name is specifically plural symbolism (rimon: pomegranate, aka a single fruit containing hundreds of individual possibilities that all nurture each other). roe really wants to just tell her, shes a retired therapist and a hippie who cares about us likeshes not gonna be cruel n our beit din essay is like extremely explicit abt our plurality and how that manifests in our practice n understanding of judaism, but like, the rest of us wanna wait a bit n chew on how to articulate it to her before writing back.

honestly tho getting yhat emailwas really affirming, weve been working o our essay more n are trying to describe how we do jewish and its like........so hard not to worry about not doing enough. our shul is really really far left and there's no requirement of daily or even weekly prayer but we're still like... "what if it isnt enough? what if they dont understand praying in ASL? what if its too confusing to map out this journey for them? will they find our internal dialogue strange or endearing? what if what if what if?" its a bit nerve wracking. also, oli n brad have been reflecting recently, its been almost a year of sobriety now. weve been able to avoid meltdowns n panic-switching by communicating through ASL and using sound defenders, and its been almost a year since weve had to go to the er bc we cant breathe, which is great, but its also been really lonely. not a lot of sober ppl our age in the circles we used to hang out in/are drawn to. not a lot of ppl who can accommodate our environmental sensitivities either. our future is not gonna look anything like our past, our relationships will be fewer and we wont be able to bend our crip bodymind so far anymore.

but thats for the best isnt it, all of this, we have more to offer the world as ourselves than we ever did trying to be a singular someone else

well, roes excited, n even though its not easy for me to emote with roe its nice having a partner nearby who doesnt overthink everything like me. roes energy has been healing for oli and brad too as they try to cope w everything. n it helps me too knowing i have roe n others arou d for when im not able to "person" the way a "person" "should"

its also exciting knowing we're gonna be able to use our chosen/found name together soon, one weve cultivated together that represents us as we are rather than how one of us thinks they should be. olis going to change olis name after the mikveh too, which olis been wanting to do for a long time now, and thats gonna be powerful for oli.

now fingers crossed my headmates can help me catch all the run-ons before we send this to our rabbi 😅

[emieee]

feel free to ignore this or not answer.

so i need to talk to u, im venting in my gc but im thinking maybe ur energy would be better for me rn heres a screenshot cuz i dont feel like retyping it

yeah ofc im gonna answer this, it just might take me a bit

i still dont know if u have someone you can talk to about any of this in person, like a therapist or parent or something, but if you do, it would be great if you could talk to them about it. obviously that’s not always the case, so here are a few ideas that may help you (i don’t know if any of these will work for sure, plz tell me if u need anything else)

- if u can, get something to eat and/or drink, probably something with less sugar but filling. that’ll keep your energy rates higher

- try telling someone, whether it be in person or over text, to give you reminders to do things. ofc if this will make you feel bad when you can’t do them, don’t do that, but on the more manageable days this may be a good idea

- definitely talk to your teachers if you’re not getting shit in on time or need help. it can be hard but hopefully they’ll be there to help you as they should, and it’s easier if you ask them right away rather than not understanding and having to make up homework and shit even more

- find something that will make you laugh, this will put you in a slightly better mood, even if only for a short time

- if it won’t hurt your head too much or distract you, listen to some soft music in the background. i’ve had people say classical music, outdoor sounds, or meditation music work best, but do what’ll work for you

- go outside if you have the energy. being in nature has really great effects on your hormonal balances and shit

on that note, im about to take a short walk, but please please please tell me if you need anything else or more advice, i’m more than happy to help you ok?

[skinnyghosttears]

April 26, 2021

10:08 am

I realised 2 things this weekend.

1. The food is not worth all the tears I spent for it. Yeah I missed some flavours but I didnt see heaven when I ate them.

And 2. I cannot allow myself to take some "normal days" without planning all the food because I end with a >4000kcal binge and very miserable thoughts.

So since Im not doing all this for just going to bed wanting to k word myself because I cant control what I eat, I have to do cheat days when my parents are at home.

I feel so bad rn, even if my belly is less big and bloated. I planned almost all the week (I will maybe change a couple of meals if we'll go to the store soon because I dont have some safe foods at home but I will not add stupid stuff) and there is no day that reach 500kcal. If I crave something during the afternoon I have to push the feeling and allow myself to only eat a fruit. Thats it. I know my therapist will be really angry but what's the worst, me crying everytime Im alone or her for just one hour?

Also I will def not weight myself until I'll feel better so idk how much I'll weight in the next days. I have to feel hungry and with no energy again.

11:40 am

I finished to prepare the mushrooms for lunch, I will add those to my egg whites and maybe add some tomato sauce.

Idk if I'll exercise today since I had a little panic attack, Im feeling not so good so maybe I will just walk a little.

2:38 pm

Finished lunch, I got nausea from eating all the mushrooms, but I still finished what I had in my plate. I took a biscuit with the coffee because even with that the plan is still under 500. I totally forgot I already planned to eat an apple during the afternoon, and now I'll go out for a walk so I'll decide later if I will eat it or not. I will not eat it for sure after 6pm so I'll try to stay away from home until then. I feel so big but also full of water, so I hope to get rid of this bloated mass that is my belly in three days or something. I want to try a skirt when i'll govto the city for see my therapist, but I have to be back in my shape for that.

4:20 pm

Came back from the walk, burned 329kcal. Since I ate only 222kcal for lunch I see this as a win. I also found out that where I burned myself back on saturday there is an ugly blister and its right on my tattoo, so I'll consider this the punishment for the mess of this weekend.

7:44 pm

I ate the apple because I was craving something, but it was enough. I also prepared shrimps and green beans for dinner. When I have to cook stuff Im way more in control of food. Tomorrow I'll go with mom to the store so I'll be able to find some safe stuff and buy a lot of fruits 💗 (I mean I can go by myself but Im a jobless 25yo so if I go with her I will not spend my money :'))

10:18 pm

I allowed myself to drink a monster after dinner, I already finished it but maybe I will prepare some tea or at least drink more water before bed time.

I managed to stay under 500 today and Im really happy about it. Tomorrow will be hopefully the same (and if not, it will still be under 600).

11:01 pm

Looked in the mirror, I thought my belly was worse than this. Im full of water so maybe I will feel like before soon... I'll try to stick under 500kcal everyday until I'll be back under 60kg.

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[valkavavaart]

no one asked but i wanted to do all of this in one sitting lets go.. this is long im sorry

1. favourite character 

jyushi, kuukou, ramuda.. i will not pick between them

2. least favourite character 

jyuto.. also saburo but he’s growing on me

3. favourite division

nagoya, baby!

4. favourite buster bros member

legally adopting jiro.. thats my boy i love him

5. favourite mtc member

rioooOoOOoOOoOoOoOOo i dont care the other two but like id give my life for riooOoOOOo

6. favourite matenrou member

doppPOOoOOOoOOOoo but also dr jakurai jinguji if ur out there...

7. favourite fling posse member

r a m u d and a.. whos that

8. favourite character song

UMMM drops and moonlight shadow both slap...?

9. favourite rap battle

its gotta beeeeee battle battle battle? i dont rlly listen to them much i just think abt the art where ramuda and jakurai are like face to face except we KNOW ramuda is barely like 5′0″ and jakurai is a big tall 6′4″ish man so how are they this close is ramuda sitting on his knee?? is jakurai kneeling?? is ramuda on a box

10. favourite tdd member

again.. ramuda lmao.. like esp tdd ramuda his outfit is so cute hes just so tiny..

11. your otp

UMMMM i like getting into a lot of ships?? id say my favs are probably like.. gendice or riodice maybe?? and ichikuu.. rn im like rlly into hitoya/jakurai too i want those old men to hold hands (i wanna draw them but idk any good poses for old dudes who r also boyfriends)

12. your notp

anything involving saburo uMmMMmm.. im not rlly a fan of samatoki/ichiro & tdd era samatoki/ichiro ESPECIALLY rubs e the wrong way.. i also dont rlly like jyushi/hitoya or kuukou/hitoya they just rlly rub me the wrong way

13. how did you get hooked on hypmic

ok so on twitter all my friends and the artists i follow got rlly into fire emblem three houses and i didnt own a switch at the time but i was like "cool i'll like find a bunch of artists that draw this and i'll UHHH maybe get hyped for it idk" and one of the artists was riryou_ on twitter who was posting like mochi blyeth and i was like omg so cute... and they spoke abt like hypmic a bunch too and i was like "oh i vaguely know what hypmic is (based off of all the samatoki memes and sasara fanart i’d see), maybe i should get into it??" then they like posted jyushi and i was like "oh he looks so dumb i need to know more" and i HEARD jyushi and i was like "actually he's adorable and i love him!!" bc i have a soft spot for like.. crybaby chuunis, and then downloaded the game and was like "wtf!!! where is jyushi" and thats why im here..

14. a character you identify with

im not assigning myself a hypmic kin!!!!!!!!

but i’ll pick doppo bc 1. never trust a doppo kinnie and 2. i too need a therapist

15. favourite character design

KUUKOU was designed specifally to cater to me here is exactly why

-SHORT KING. (HES THE SECOND SHORTEST BOY?? WHAT THE FUCK??? HE’S TALLER THAN RAMUDA SO GOOD FOR HIM.. BUT YOU’RE TELLING ME SABURO THE FUCKING 14 YEAR OLD IS TALLER THAN MY BOY KUU!??!?!?!? SHORT KING!)

-his hair. i cant draw it but i like it

-hes like >:3 all the time 

-he has?? fucking fangs

-cat boy energy

-the like contrast of him being a monk and then him also just being a little bastard.. love that

-i like his jacket

-his dumb fucking boots..

-he comfy

-radiates chaotic energy

-one of his eyes is usually like slightly squinted?? i dont know why he does that but i like it

-he wont hesitate.. bitch

-i forgot this was supposed to be like based on his design and went on a long ass ramble abt his personality but like sshhh you wont see that.. delete

-piercings... the big one looks like a stretcher? i like that

-his speakers that look like the dragon w the bell are cool

-again short king rowdy boy

-he has long eyelashes and wears eye makeup.. thats cute..

- >:3

16. a character you'd cosplay

again kuukou looks comfy but thats a lot of layers.. itd be rlly warm right..

id say maybe jiro! ichiro would be my next choice idk i like their jackets

17. a character you thought you'd like + 18. a character you thought you'd dislike  

ok so i just put these together bc like actually.. before i got into hypmic when all i rlly knew was vague fanart of the characters and that jyushi is my man i did a tier list to like get my opinions on them down.. and sometimes i look back to it and im like.. AHAH...

as u can see i was on board for jyushi as soon as i got here... but i thought sasara and kuukou were rlly neat and like i figured i'd like ichiro bc mmm... but honestly im not that big on ichi SFGKHDLF...

meanwhile in the bottom tier... jakurai, jiro, dice, rosho, ramuda, hifumi... the irony that i actually rlly like all of them... rosho took a while to grow on me but he's really good.. meanwhile hifumi probably still isnt a character im like SUPER into but i do like him..

heres my current tier list tho LMAO

19. buster bros or mtc?

hnn.. its gonna have to be buster bros...

i like jiro and rio a lot and dont rlly care for the other 4 but like.. i think i like bb and their dynamic and find them more sympathetic than mtc lmaoo... like ichiro went through a lot for his bros..

samatoki also went through a lot for nemu but hes stinky as hell and i think he's stupid. but i will not write an essay on that.

20. fling posse or matenrou

fling posse BABYYYYYY i love those funky little lads.. i like matenrou a lot too but like fp just appeal to me a lot more and i rlly love their dynamic.. i could talk for days abt fp...

21. mtc or matenrou

matenrOUuUuuUUuUUuu again i do not care mtc aside from rio.. i dont rlly have strong thoughts on matenrou lol i like their friendship tho :)

22. favourite hypmic seiyuu

saito soma or takaya kuroda.. saito soma bc i generally love his voice and also he voices other favs of mine (yamaguchi hq, 2wink from enstars..) and takuya kuroda bc im literally a simp for kazuma kiryu from the yakuza series,

also ive been insulting samatoki so far but i actually like his va like the man has the range?? between voicing samatoki hypmic and leo enstars?? HELLO????

23. a song you didn't like

basically anything by mad trigger crew SBJFGKJHLDSF the only song i actively remember by them is whats my name.. i only play it for rio..

UMMM otherwise i guess like??? new star.. sucks bc i actually rlly like saburo's va but i feel like he doesnt rlly get the best parts/songs...? that being said i like songs w him in it so

24. a hypmic headcanon

ummmmmmm i cant think of anything lol snnzzz.. i saw the hc that ramuda was the one that like dyed jakurais hair and it was so cute..

25. favourite solo song

wasnt this already a question or can i not read.. whatever my brain is like gya gya gyaran gya gya gyaran bam gya gya gyaran bam gya gya gya gya gyaran bam

6. favourite mc name

they all fucking suck LOL

evil monk is very literal and i like that. i also like that 14th moon ties into jyushi's name and everything..

UHHH i guess doppo cause its literally just his name LMAOO and i think doppos a cute name

7. the most attractive character

i know i said that kuukou is designed to appeal specific to me but gentarou? pretty boy. love to see it thank you saito soma. also tdd era jakurai.. maybe its just cause i like the manga art a lot but... dr jakurai jinguji if ur out there

28. a kink

PARDON.

29. favourite life quote & 30. favourite rebuttal or punchline

i dont wanna give a serious answer to either of those so on a completely unrelated note, i think abt this a lot

[demonic-imposter]

(Vent because holy fucking shit I need to scream somewhere)

(Disclaimer: I'm safe. Everything is just way too much and I don't really have any outlet rn. Was promised a therapist but once again our contact person has decided to disappear, so that's not happening rn apparently)

So like- adults keep being all "oh, I'm sure you and your dad will work it out eventually" and I get it. They relate to my dad, so they'll try to put themselves in his place. A lot of them probably have kids and have done stuff to their kids they're not proud of and they wouldn't like to be in my dad's position, but do they fucking ask why? No. And sure I'm being dramatic for just cutting him out of my life but like- I fucking cant rn. I already want to die and already hate myself as it is and I cant deal with all of the pressure that comes with trying to be his and my stepmom's perfect "daughter". I can't. Dear fucking dad. You kept telling me I should never let anyone pressure me into trying to lose weight, yet you're the reason I went for long periods of the day hungry because I was afraid of being fat. I still fucking do that shit. Because you told me I had gotten too fat. I was a fucking child and you told me I was too fat. Fucking thank you for that. I had a panic attack when someone suggested i should start working out because all I could hear was that i had gotten too fat and I can barely run around people because all I hear is you and my stepmom mocking me for being out of breath and all that translates into is that I'm fat. Yesterday I went without eating for about 6 hours. That was without breakfast so it's really longer, but from I woke up until I actually ate. I felt dizzy and almost lost my balance at one point. I also weighed myself, obsessed over trying to figure out whether I was overweight or not. Felt proud that I was close to underweight. Kept hoping I'd find some fucking page that would say that I was underweight. I felt proud for all of that bs. Apparently my body fat is too low. Halle-fucking-lujah.

Dear dad, you say that you don't recognize all the problems they're describing at the psyk. You say that it doesn't sound like the happy girl you knew. I'm not a girl but thanks. I didn't feel like I could come to you because for as long as I can remember you've taught me that mental illness is wrong and that people are just being lazy. You didn't have to say it with those words. You said it about my mom. You wouldn't hear any other story than the one in your head and it sorta seems like that's still the page we're on.

Dear dad, you say you weren't angry but you said you were in the message you sent me. You said you were angry and disappointed and worried about my absence from school. You were angry because I included mom and not you. Tbh I didnt want to tell mom either, partly because you pushed me against her, but also because she really couldn't and cant take it. I had to because otherwise I couldn't go to the doctor. Calm down?

Also why the fuck couldn't you message me to tell me to get my stuff? My stepmom had to? And she had to deadname me? Thanks

And you know what- dear mom, I'm not your friend. I'm your son and I want to die basically every week. I'm so overwhelmed by the smallest ammount of stuff and you venting to me is not helping that. I understand that you need someone to talk to, but you know what? I dont think that should be me. It has always been me and you know what? I really dont have the energy to be the mom in this relationship and just... please stop treating me like a friend. I'm not your equal. I'm your child. I'm tired. You feel guilty about me being like this because you feel like it's your fault and honestly it partly is. I have had too big of a burden on me since I was a kid and it's never going away it seems. I can't deal with that.

Dear void. I want to die, but I won't because my mom will blame herself and if she fucking tries to kill herself that'll devastate my brother and he can't be alone. My mom keeps talking about our relationship as if it's just this equal thing where I listen to her problems and she listens to mine. Sure, I'm totally not her responsibility in some way but okay let's just talk about how it's bad for your mental health that I finally admitted after 10 years that I'm not doing so Gucci. Everyone keeps saying they didn't see it and like- no shit. You didn't create a space where it felt safe to show it and you still don't. I tried to tell you but words aren't enough apparently. When I was 9 I used to fantasize about killing myself so my mom would realize she loved me, but honestly now I just want peace. I'm not even sure she'd react the way 9 year old me would've needed her to either way. After all, she didn't do anything that day when she thought I was gonna leave. Why not?