soft-healing-space

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Childhood neglect:

Sometimes, when someone grows up without feeling noticed or valued, they start to believe their presence doesn’t make a difference. It’s not that they don’t care, but they’ve learned to expect that what they do or say won’t matter to others. As adults, it can be surprising or even overwhelming to realize that their actions or words do affect people—they’re just not used to being seen in that way...

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My experience with therapists:

I'd like to go a lil deeper into...

Bullshit therapists said to me:

Therapist 1: talked about her vacation and lizards and stuff like that... I don't think I need to get further into how weird and unprofessional that is (that went on for halv a year and I only went cause I was kinda forced to)

Therapist 2:

> No I don't think you are depressed! Im so empathic I could see that!

> Okey here r some figures assign ur current issues to them and put them onto the table (okey a good technique ud think to visualise things and then talk about them or work with them... Nope we didn't discuss them any further at all ever)

> *Me talking about a recent traumatic event clearly distressed and crying* her: uhhhh okey... Moving on...

> No u are surely not bipolar... U eather would be rly sad rn or so full of energy u couldn't sit still there is no in between... (Do I have to explain why this is wrong I dont think so...)

> Your mood swings are just puperty

> U sh? Show me... Ahh yeah thats not that bad Ive seen worse... (Invalidating much?)

> Also they only take people up to 18 so they kinda threw me out the system after my birthday

Therapist 3:

I don't wanna say smth bad bout her because she actually rly tryed... She just said that having a diagnosis is a big label and I need to be careful with that due to discrimination out there... So we worked thru sum things and discussed recent stuff...

Then I gave up on therapy... My symtoms got worse... My mood swings... My anxiety... My impulsivity... My sh... My unallive ideation... Severe insomnia... Motor and verbal tics increased a lot...

I went to see a neurologist...

A psychologist...

Then I got sent to diagnostics...

I have 2 personality disorders (avoidant and borderline) + a mood disorder + an anxiety disorder + a tic disorder

My anger towards the system and unprofessional therapists is valid... I also know there r people out there who actually carw about their clients... And I rly hope I can find someone like that...

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Living with avoidant personality disorder:

Shame... One of my biggest enemys... A feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that arises from the perception of having done something dishonorable, immoral, or improper... It's so big that I would rather be nonexistent then having to do certain things... I never knew why that feeling was so big or why it was there...

My first experience where I crossed a big line was bevore my first ever job interview... I couldn't bare putting me into a situation where I would get judged or critisied or even rejected... I wanted to avoid that at all costs... I wanted to end existence...

So... Living with avoidant personality disorder can be rly hard and debilitating...

Its like my worth is determined by how others and how they perceive me... Its extremely hard to engage in social situations of any kind... I often feel smal... Inferior... Worthless... inadequate... I don't fit in... Wich often makes me feel extremely isolated... I find myself avoiding activities and interactions unless I'm certain I'll be accepted and not judged negatively... This avoidance and the accompanying feelings of low self-esteem profoundly affect my personal and professional life, leaving me feeling lonely and misunderstood...

I've come far... I've been forced into new situations by loved ones... Exposure helps even if it is hard... And I've come across verry kind and understanding people who try their best to include me and show that they care... Thenk you to all of those people!

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My experience with diagnosis:

I always knew smth was off... I was the weird one no matter where I went... I had a rly rly hard time... The first time it got rly noticable was when my mom drove me to the psych ward to drop me of there after "an incident"...

To be fair I had a not ideal upbringing... A history of depressive episodes... Issues with $elfthurting behaviours... Long lasting dissociative states... The list of symtoms are endless... But...

I had no words to express whats going on... There was just intense shame and fear... I tryed to hide it the best I can...

After years of pointless therapy I felt so frustrated not being able to express myself I started doing research... That went on for over 5 years of my life untill I understood whats going on...

So after all those years... Finally having an answer... I still felt like an imposter... So I went to various docs... Got brain scans donne... Howers of talking and filling out papers... In the end diagnosed me with exactly what I had found thru my research...

So what do we learn from that?

1.) Reach out for help! If u are suffering u dont have to hide! I know how hard this can be but suffering in silence is not the answer...

2.) After years of research... Self reflection... Sneaking in qwestions here and there to get my familys and friends fews on it... I can say self diagnosis is valid... But u have to be thurrow in your research... (And then reach out for help if its accessible!)

3.) Education and self awareness are important! And probably saved my life...

4.) Trust your own experience and instincts if u feel smth is off don't let people invalidate u just because u have learnt to mask it so well...

For more context:

I have 2 personality disorders (avoidant and borderline) + a mood disorder + an anxiety disorder + a tic disorder

My avoidant personality and my quiet bpd still have me hiding and supressing and pretending its okey every day... But just knowing why things are like they are and things feel like they feel helps a lot in treating myself with the kindness I deserve...

I know there is so much fear and guilt and shame inside... We think masking it is easyer... Lets not make people worry... We can deal with it... Nuhu... Reach out for help... Even if they don't listen... It took me 8 years from my first therapist to my actual diagnosis...

We deserve better then that!

Track your symtoms!

Do your research!

Find someone who cares!

Find someone you can afford!

And demand the help that you deserve...