#i dont go to community but i thought those of yall who did would appreciate this

[someofitwastrue]

i wish my old hs english teacher had a tumblr

[tickly-trashcan]

hey guys haha i have a kind of announcement thingy... it is not sunshine and rainbows unfortunately orz

(there will be a tl;dr at the end if yall dont wanna read all my random thoughts lol)

i am going to just be completely honest. i don't really want to write anymore. at least not on this blog...

i know that i have requests but i really have been struggling with... everything!! i just graduated and that was like a punch in the face because everything that i've been feeling for months really became... real??? like i thought i had just been hallucinating all the really bad feelings but it was real!!!

i've been lacking motivation with writing, and every time ive sat down to write i feel bad and terrible and it really is an awful feeling and i'm sick of it... and even when im not writing my silly goof tickle fics those feelings somehow creep into my brain and it's been making it really hard for me to write anything that ive enjoyed.

so... i think what im trying to say... is that i'm going to stop writing for this blog. it isn't because of anyone, i think that its just because ive been doing it for so long that it's become a genuine stresser for me, and i think that by separating myself from this blog, it'll be much easier for me to... exist!

i could go into a LOT more details about how ive been feeling but i really dont want to go too crazy since i am... on the internet lolol but i think that it would be better for me to not write anymore.

so what does this mean for this blog???

i'm not going to be deactivating this blog, and i'll make sure that all my links and such are up to date before i officially leave. I'm not going to like... sign out, and i'll still be active every now and then, but if you'd like to get my discord for any contact, please let me know! i'm not super active on discord right now either though, so please be aware of that lol

this blog is essentially going to be an archive. i'll go through my masterlists and update all of my other important posts, but otherwise, there probably won't be any new content from me.

I probably won't be active on ao3 either, but if you'd like to give my old works a peek as well, you're more than welcome. the link is right here if you're interested!

there's still some stuff that i'm working out as well in my personal life and in cleaning up some loose ends on this blog, so if i take a little bit in responding to anyone, that's why. i'm sorry this is kind of a bleak little post, but i really can't do it anymore.

to everyone who sent in a request in the last round of prompts, thank you so much because it really did make me excited, but i'm not going to be able to complete them... i really appreciate every single one of you, and i hope you can forgive me orz

TL;DR

I'm really really tired and have had a lot of negative feelings for a really long time, and I think that leaving this blog in terms of writing will be best for me in the long run. There will be no more new content from me, but I might still remain active with communications if I can. I'll be updating my blog until it's good enough to leave, and then I will no longer be a content creator.

(sorry that tl;dr sounds more negative than the rest of my post LOL i'm really fine i just... i need to rip the bandaid off and just... be done)

[usertoxicyaoi]

FAIZA I'M SCREAMING THEY HAVE THE BOOKS!!

- BIS! BRIGHTS STORY OMG HOW R U FEELING!? IM SCREAMING

- THE BOOK!

- FANBOOK BRIGHT IG OMGMGGJNGJGJAAJSAKDJSKF!!!!!!

- Faiza! Please check Bright's latest ig story!!

- FAIZA! BRIGHT POSTED ON HIS STORY! I collapsed seeing ur book on his story, u really did that queeen 💅🏽

- JAJSJDHFGH OMG FAIZA THEY GOT THE BOOKS

- Holy shit faiza! Check Instagram ASAP! Bright got the book. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

- FAIZA IM SCREAMIND I JUST SAW BRIGHTS IG STORY AND DJSNSKSNS

- Fcfykjwwejbfrh QUEEN! check Bright story

- FAIZA! BRIGHT POSTED THE BOOK!

- Hiiiii bright just posted a picture of the book you made!!!

- AHHHHHH FAIZA I JUST SAW BRIGHT’S INSTA STORY!! He got the bookkkkkkk❤️❤️(I hope I’m correct that it is the book)!! I’m so happy for you all and thank you for all the hard work you and everyone else put on this project!! Bright and win deserve all the love

- FAIZA BRIGHT JUST POSTED THE BOOK ON HIS STORY THEY GOT THE THINGS

- OMG! Faiza! Bright got the fanbook! I didn't even contribute to it yet it made me so glad to see that he received it! So happy for you and every one who put a bit of their heart into that book.

- FAIZA !!!! THE BOOKS !!! I saw Bright’s story and camr running!!!! Is this what you were being cryptic about tho 👀 ONG IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!

- FAIZAAAAA!!!! go check Bright's instagram stories RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! 😭

- IM SURE YOU'LL GET A MILLION MESSAGES FOR THIS BUT BRIGHT POSTED A STORY WITH THE FANBOOK 😭😭♥️

- BRIGHT HAS THE BOOK! WIN PROBABLY DOES TOO! THEY RECEIVED THE LOVE 🥺

- Faiza I don't know if you've seen yet but I think Bright got the fanbook! He put something in his Insa stories about an hour ago.

- omg the book is in his ig story! 🤍

- it looks like brightwin got your books! they look lovely, thank you and best wishes to u!

- Hi faiza did u happen to see bright’s latest insta story👀👀👀 because I think u should!!

- omg it happened

- FAIZA, THEY GOT YOUR BOOKS!!!!

- FAIZA THEY GOT THE BOOKS !!!!

- MISS FAIZA THEY GOT THE BOOKS -1ovebound

- OMG FAIZAAAAAA!!! THEY GOT THE BOOKS!! BRIGHT POSTED ON HIS INSTA STORY OMGGGGGG

- Faiza they got the book look bright igs

- faiza!!!! faiza!!!!!!!!! FAIZA!!!!!!!!

- good morning my dear, i know it's 6am there and you probably have thousands of messages in your inbox but i want to reiterate: thank you so much for organising this. you have put your life and soul and heart into this and being able to see it in their hands is overwhelming enough for the rest of us, but even more tremendous for you. i just wanted to make my appreciation and love for you known again, this was such an amazing and kind undertaking and i know we all appreciate it. thank you, ily!

- so busy these days... BUT NEVER NOT PROUD OMGG SO PROUD, FAIZAAAA! LOOK AT BRIGHT'S INSTA OMGG YOU DESERVE IT SM! ILY ❤️

- FAIZAAA!!! OMG THANK FOR DOING THIS PROJECT I AM SURE BRIGHT AND WIN HAVE THE BIGGEST SMILES ON THEIR FACES RIGHT NOW I AM ACTUALLY CRYING *SOBS*

- im on the verge of tears on your behalf seeing bright's story.... i am so happy for you :(((( also i know this is gonna blow up on twitter you're a celebrity now

- The law of equivalent exchange. Brightwin get the books however you get twitter people coming into your anons

- let them link u Faiza! U deserve the praise 🥳💕

- I didn't write anything for the book cuz I'm really bad at writing this kind of things (I never know what to write even if I have so much to say, and writing this is causing me stress) but I'm really happy that they received something so special, done entirely because you and many people love them. Anyways, thanks for coming with this project to make them know how much they're loved❤️ you're such a good person.

- FAIZA!! i saw brights ig story and immediately rushed here! so happy for them and for you, i know they will love it so much

- I see the tweets about u in my timeline!! I feel like a proud friend even though I’m just an anon! I’m like “I KNOW HER! I LIKE HER CONTENT ALL THE TIME!” 🤣

- Seeing ppl not know about the fan project is kinda hilarious and strange lol, the tumblr community feels so tight knit so it’s like unexpected! You and Rahul are like our leaders 🤍

- I'm really happy for you!!! ❤❤❤ you did such a good job and the books got there safely *throws all the hearts*

- SO HAPPY FOR YOU❤️

- Hi, Faiza! Tysm for putting together the project idk if I actually got my letter on time but regardless seeing in bright's ig made me feel like floating, he has the words of people who love him and his work on his hands, and he gets to cherish that forever. 👌🏽💕 Tysm

- faiza u really r the beating heart of this fandom. i love u so much thank u for existing

- Hi Faiza!! i just saw bright’s ig story and seeing him hold the book is making me so emotional i can’t even form words right now but i just wanted to tell u THANK U. this wouldn’t have happened without u. ur so .. ur such a .. AAAAAAAAA I DONT HAVE A GOOD ENOUGH WORD TO DESCRIBE U !!! JUST !!! pls know my love, respect and gratitude for u is endless !!!! thank u so much for everything that u do !!! ❤️❤️

- The way that I got like super emotional when I saw Bright’s post with the book and then my first though was I wonder how Faiza feels rn. I can’t stop smiling, I’m so happy that I participated on the books! Thank you again 💕

HELLOOOOO EVERYONE!!!!

oh wow thats. yeah. yall really are the absolute GREATEST people. i was up until 1am last night thinking and stressing out over when the boys would get the books. and amidst that stress, i fell asleep???

and i woke up at 6am to go watch wyel but i thought ill come on here first .... and i got FLOODED with messages!!! so to answer that one anon, yes, THIS is what i was being cryptic about!!

and i still cant bring myself to go and physically see brights ig story yet. im too too nervous to do that hsjhd but yall have sent me screenshots, so thank you sm sm sm for it!!!!

i hope win can post something soon too, so i know he's got his aswell and put my mind at ease!!

but urm. yeah. its been a Wild 2 months making this. thank you EVERYONE for contributing and providing so much support and motivation. it truly goes to show the power we can have as people when we come together for a good cause! and they have a piece of you now! to cherish and hold!!! and read and gain strength from! as i said, we sowed the seeds, and here are the fruits of our labour!! and im so happy i could be a messenger in some way to carry all those words of affection yall have and your own personal stories and experiences and hand them over to them. thank you all for trusting me to do so. i was so scared bc i didnt wanna let you guys down!

i love you all SO SO much!!! yall are truly the greatest friends!! 🧡🧡🧡

[txthots]

An estimation and analysis of Beomgyu's chart

firstable....... beomgyu has so many sun aspects. and his big 3 (his sun, his moon, and his rising) are water signs. So by default, this means he’s most likely sun dominant, and water dominant. These feel like 2 totally opposite ends of a spectrum lol... so I’m assuming his emotions are really all over the place. But! Being sun dominant means he’s very bright and energetic as a person, very cheery, and just so <3. And water dominant ppl (in my opinion) make the best domestic lovers. Best at cheering up his partner in literally every aspect, and when he says “I’m txt’s energizer” he means that shit quite literally lol

-sun in pisces, moon in scorpio. I bet he can pick up on another person’s tastes very quickly, so he’s most likely going to know you and your body like the back of his hand through your body language. Both pisces and scorpios are pretty intuitive signs. He’s most likely placing a lot of emotion into it when he gets intimate, so he doesn’t just do it with anyone. That person’s gotta be special. He places a lot of emotional value and intimacy into sex. Also a major sub. probably into roleplaying and the thought of being /yours/ so whoever has him better mark him up good.

-cancer rising. Beomgyu is bout the prettiest and softest boy i done seen he gotta be a cancer rising. He’s so gentle and fairy like!! and he’s sweet and caring, too.  But cancer risings tend to be pretty hard on themselves and criticize themselves a lot, despite giving so much love to everyone. For example, do you guys remember when he hurt his ankle and cried during that showcase? All I can think about is how much he put himself down because he thought he screwed things up and it made me so sad :((( like he needs a hug and to be told that he’s doing a great job. With his venus square his ascendant, it’s probably super important for him to make good impressions. That being said, he needs a lot of praise and he probably has a praise kink. He most likely is really into being called baby boy, he probably lives for affection when you two get it on, and he reaalllyy appreciates a gentle voice just telling him what a good job he’s doing on someone. Also, again, major sub.

-Mercury in Aquarius in the 8th house. He thinks it’s important that you tell him if you find anything wrong with what he’s doing, and vice versa. When mercury is in an air sign, there’s a pretty logical communication pattern and he’s probably pretty emotionally mature once he’s comfortable with projecting his opinions. However, because his merc is square saturn he probably is a little scared to bring things up at first. He wouldn’t be as reluctant as Yeonjun would be to talk about things, all he really needs is a tad bit of coaxing. Is good at staying set on his goals so... when he says he’s gonna make you both cum hard that night best believe that he means it lol. His merc being in the 8th house makes him a little paranoid, so again, he needs a lot of reassurance. Like Soobin, he’s also the type of person to ask “Is this okay? Did you like that?” But it’t not out of responsibility like Soobin seeks to get. It’s just second nature for Beomgyu. He’ss genuinely so scared that he’ll do something wrong :(((( it’s so cute.  Kind of curious, so he’s willing to try new things.

-Venus retrograde in the 10th house in aries. Tbh..... will probably like spending money on toys klefEKGAEKJN but on a serious note he’s one to feel really deeply about things, and is a tad bit dramatic. A bit shy when it comes to doing it with his partner the first few times, and it’ll take a lot of reassurance and praise to get him comfortable. Self love is also an issue for him so make sure to tell him how nice he looks!!! Once he’s truly comfortable he will flirt a lot, and it’s quite charming tbh. and the art of making love is a very passionate and deep thing for him, it’s not just fucking to him. He wont ever have one night stands, thats for sure. He most likely gets jealous really easy because his moon is in scorpio and his venus is conjunct juno.

-Mars in sag in the 6th house. I know yall thinking about his size... He’s an average size. His mars is close to scorpio and his pluto but it’s completely opposite jupiter. Mars in sag makes him naturally athletic so the stamina is high. He’s really just a ball of energy omg :’) He’s also really spontaneous and is one of those guys who will surprise you. And dare i say we have another bratty bottom lol.... He’ll be the type to just say whatever to his partner just to rile them up just so he could get someone to put it down on him once he’s truly comfortable with a partner. an even bigger brat than soobin. demanding when he feels confident, but not in a mean way he probably just asks for you to do more to him. Expressive and a bit loud in bed, and he probably likes angry sex but not where he’s in a position of control. If you ask him to dom in that situation he wont be that harsh but he can sure look the part, if that makes any sense.

-Jupiter in gemini in 11th house. His jupiter is opposite his pallas. I’m gonna try and say this in the nicest way possible, but beomgyu is a bit of an airhead alfhanlska and he most likely doesnt get subtle hints. You’ll most likely have to be specific with him and explicitly tell him what you want. that’s probably why once he gets comfortable with someone, he takes communication seriously. He’s also a bit of a romantic!! that’s so cute :(( loves to be social.

-saturn in taurus in the 11th house. Not very impulsive at all. takes a lot of time making moves and if he brings something up that he likes/dislikes, he’s most likely thought about it through and through. Than being said, he probably really doesn’t like being judged about things and really doesn’t appreciate being kink shamed!! He’s also the type of person to be friends with you before he becomes your lover. 

-neptune in aquarius in the 8th house. very loyal and does not like to be controlled, so if anyone doms him they cant /dom/ him.... idk how else to put it. like you have to be very nice to him and make him feel safe, dont make him feel like a belonging, just like make him feel special. also i dont think he’s completely straight either given that neptune is in his 8th

-uranus in aquarius in the 8th house. again, just the type to take a lot of your feelings into consideration and makes sure youre good too. likes to go with the flow of things. I hate that i keep saying this but it really does take a lot for him to get completely comfortable lol, but when he does he’ll be truly happy because he’s the type to love freely and without boundaries. when he expresses something that he likes or dislikes to you, its a big weight off of his shoulders so please take him seriously!

-pluto in sag in the 6th house. Again, doesn’t like to feel constrained. now that im thinking about it, things like bdsm or any type of sense deprivation are probably a no for him. He wouldn’t be opposed to trying it, because he does like trying new things, but he probably wont really favorite it. 

in summary, beomgyu is soft subby babie

[grlfriends]

revolutionary girl utena review

ep 1-5

the plot is actually kinda different from what I thought ?? in my mind the plot was: utena was a girl in a princess school who each and every princess would be "conquered" (for a lack of better words rn) in a ceremonial duel by a prince who fancied them, maybe she didnt wanna wanna marry anyone or she liked Anthy already but anyway in my mind utena showed up in the ceremony with duel clothing and then, in a very brave tm like-scene, she would openly declare she refused to be conquered by anyone and tbh I'm not even sure how Anthy would come into the plot... but back into what actually happened in the episodes everything so far is very introductory and just showing what mechanics will be explored further down the line I think?? the op is really good too

also every boy so far reminds me so much of knights of the zodiac?? maybe it's just the design I guess...) and nanami can get these hands, jealousy is a disease and she's the sickest person on earth for all I know

dont ask me why bit I just feel like room of mirrors - gfriend has a very well fitting vibe for it but I'm not exactly sure why hm.... 🤔🤔

ep 6-12

ok so why does this school just have random animals around 😐 I could understand the horse but a bull and a kangaroo?? what ...

touga just says the most random dramatic things and then just casually says anyone who believes in friendship is a fool ?? the guy wouldnt last a day in the naruto universe tbh, he kinda irks me in some way but I'm not sure why so I'll live with this strange feeling for a while I guess

↳ okay so watching ep 10 made me especially kinda creeped out, I know I've watched only 10 eps so far but like can he fall downstairs and break a neck or something already ...

also haha what if I watched that bet on it fmv and gave myself a bunch of spoilers would that be funny or what 😍 this is why i cant have nice things yall.... hope my memory goes to shit when sleep so I dont remember about it this week while I finish it

I feel like the main thing on the episodes are parallels, one way or another I always feel like they're setting up parallels and giving me clues for a bigger picture and a deeper plot arc that is still to come and the bet on it fmv just made this impression stronger, also I wanna say it's done in a good way, one that is both mysterious (??) and "honey you've got a big storm coming" at the same time 🤔🤔 much to think about honestly

↳ just saw ep 11 and even though I already knew this was coming sooner or later it still felt like crap seeing utena lose to dick head, at the end of the episode when he says anthy was always just reflecting utena's own wishes for himemiya (in another way bc I dont remenber the exact words) it felt like 😐 bc yes I knew that (the way she was working her thoughts was simply a copy and paste of what utena was saying) at all time I kept those essays about anthy in my head, I dont think theyll be truly relatable to what I'm seeing rn but yeah anthy rights (even though I know you betray/cheat on utena down the line bc of the bet on it fmv but I'm sure you had your own motivation)

↳ saw ep 12 bc I just couldnt handle being in a cliffhanger and yeah it happened what I absolutely thought it would lmao not that it was that difficult to foresee but yeah, I kinda liked how utena did it for her instead of being like "oh I wanna save anthy from touga" and treating her like a damsel in distress (I know that's kinda her position as the rose bride for what I've been told so far and that this is a subject spoken about in many many essays on tumblr but yeah) bc so far she's been treated as a trophy and a way to get something else, for the green haired guy it was a way to see something eternal, for miki it was a way to hold on into his "shining thing" and for touga it seems (so far) like a way to manipulate (just like he does with nanami) and just mark his position as above everyone else as he seems to view himself?? man I might be saying random stuff rn but it kinda does makes sense in my mind with the information I've had to this point

ep 13-25

honestly 😐😐 through 9 whole episodes I felt like they were trying to make the side characters deeper and show their hidden face and motivations but it felt so shallow...... not even actually shallow, just not deep enough that it would make me care about these characters and the fact there was no actual build to showing us why we're getting to know these characters backgrounds was just kinda meh too, didnt really help that all episodes had all the same formula and the same timing just for the developers made in those episodes be forgotten at the end and also just that pink haired guy could be like "ah failure again", it felt like watching the same episode over and over again, it was really tiring and like?? girl help I do not care about these characters at all, I feel like it could have been done well (like the keiko ep in comparison to the furuba chapter that deals with the yuki appreciation (??) club president graduating.... the way this ep was done and setup didn't really bring me any emotions) overall not to my taste and tbh I feel like I could have skipped all those episodes except for maybe the miki and juri one so 😑

all nanami focused episodes are the worst so far, she's so boring and I cant stand now annoying she is, the diary episode?? the cow episode?? the episode when tsuwabiki fuels with utena?? honestly I know they're trying to show me a better and different side of her but it just doesnt!! work!! bc i feel no sympathy for her, my biggest wish rn is her and touga just disappearing and no more filler episodes🗣🗣

I thought akio was utena's prince?? but apparently he's just anthy's brother and like.. I'm do done with his little talks with utena and yadda yadda, I just wanna see their duel is that too much to ask I'm dying over here (if this lenga lenga continues until ep 25 i will be so mad bc why were so many episodes wasted on such boring and and not necessary side characters backstories?? idc about them at all man aaaaaaaaaa)

↳ ep 25 was good finally we got what we deserve boys 😭😭😭😭😭 can utena just beat up akio already I'm tired of his ass, he exhales both "I'm a feminist I even take women studies classes #herstory" and "if she breathes she's a thot" energy also he has 0 style that mullet is simply horrible I bet there's a hairstylist community who considers him a criminal bc like 😐 it is simply so bad (q bit less when it's tied up but when it's all lose jesus Christ)

also touga thinks he's suuuuch a genius, sooo smart like king, I do not care about you at all can you shut the fuck up please and can we tall about the pink haired guy episode?? wack. honestly thought it would be more emotional or something, I binge watched 12 episodes with his ugly haircut face and did not even feel a thing he can choke I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ANTHY TAKING A SWORD OUT OF UTENA'S CHEST??? OSCAR WORTHY KINGS❗❗❗and then her lame ass brother being like "oh ho ho idk idk" shut up no one cares no one cares I swear to you no one cares shut uuuuup

ep 25-39

first of all, ep 25 was good but kinda reminded me of the nine episodes (13 until 21) where absolutely nothing interesting happened so I hope I'm wrong also can I just say just seeing the preview of the next episode made me roll my eyes so bad I almsot saw my brain?? bc yeah I'm fucking tired of nanami fosuced episodes she's so annoying oh my god nobody cares about a goddamn egg and much less one coming from her let her die or something pls she's so annoying there's nothing I've learned about her that was not against my own will I'm basically rotting over here 🤒

↳ ep 30 has me thinking Akio has a foot fetish or something 😐 bruh leave utena aloooooone I already know your plans and schemes you're not fooling anyone that's embarrassing for u and also... utena you're not very bright are you.... you start seeing every duelist you face with the same exact car and then when you see akio has the same car you didnt even stop to think about it that 1+1 equals 2 ... girl help yourself 😐

↳ yet again another nanami focused ep 😐😐😐😐😐 even though I do understand her better now I still don't find her particularly enjoyable to watch, call me a woman hater but like. idk she's still a bit annoying to me (but touga is straight up evil and is manipulating her so I feel bad for feeling like that tho.....)

↳ ok last 2 eps to go but listen. I thought the akio duel would have happened much sooner, maybe on ep 33 max but well didn't this age well lmao ngl, it did seem a bit too slow paced for my personal taste but also I feel like there's a certain level of drama that comes with slowing the pace down....

↳ aaaaaa yall I'm kinda 😢😭 over the ending omg........... even though it took the best of me to keep going in some parts I still enjoyed the ending aaaaa I thought i wouldnt really like it bc I just usually dont enjoy this type of ending but stil 😢😢😢😢 wait for me utena 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 girl I cried and then anthy walking in the end god utena and anthy holding hands 😭😭😭😭 akio can suck my dick

there's obviously many things I've missed or that I kinda didnt really pay attendance to so please dont take this serious, I was just writing as I watched the episodes so it's more like a thought compilation than anything, still I can see why there's many essays written about it and why it is held as a masterpiece by so many people

[eyeslikefoxglove]

Episode 21 - The PTSD is strong with this one & we need more braincells

Hello hello! Welcome to the commentary. How’s everyone? I’m frozen solid because it’s mid-June in Spain and yet we had 11°C yesterday. Fucking awesome!

I AM NOT WEARING MASCARA SO I CAN CRY ALL I WANT. I DONT KNOW IF THATS GOOD OR BAD THO.

Can I just take a second to appreciate how much this big strong powerful men emote? I mean, I know this isn’t western media where the tough guy can’t show emotions, and I don’t know that eastern media has the same hangups about men emoting but just... it’s so refreshing.

Huaisang bb you’re so sweet.

Oh, oh the PTSD is strong with this one.

Also, bless both JC and NHS, they absolutely noticed WWX flinch and, in their own ways, went and steamrolled over it so WWX wouldn’t feel scrutinised.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST TO INFORM YALL THAT I GOT A KITTEN ON MY LAP. (She’s kneading my boob, which, ow, but...)

*BICHEN GRIIIIIIIP*

How do y’all think the guards go deliver bad news to WRH? Like do they paper-rock-scissor it? Draw straws?

NMJ did you have to?

And once again I wonder what would’ve happened if JFM had let sect leader Yao kick it.

Ughvhfnevus it’s this clown. Same as with Su She, if you see a bunch of screaming it’s just me not wanting to listen to Jin ZiXun.

The Nies: let’s throw a banquet to honour WWX’s return

Every asshole there: *gossips about WWX while in the room with him*

Once again I wish I could transmigrate (and speak mandarin lol) and just start delivering tongue lashings.

Listen, I have no idea how to play Guqin, but I did play the guitar for years and even from here I can see how much YiBo’s hands don’t match the melody. Nothing against him but why does this always happen? I know they got classes, so was the music not written by that time or something? Because one thing is not hitting the correct notes, another is plucking slow notes when the tempo is much faster.

JC: Since yours and LWJ’s unhappy separation...

My dumbass: do you mean breakup? *eyebrow waggle*

You will pry my “JC knows his brother is pinning after LWJ, he probably doesn’t want to know anything else” hc out of my cold dead hands thankyouverymuch.

WWX: *spouts a bunch of misdirection to avoid giving JC a straight answer*

JC: Bull-fucking-shit.

Should I count how many times WWX PTSDs all over the place or would you like me to leave your hearts intact? That’s two so far.

Ok ok, I feel that, if someone with a bit less trauma and a bit of insight (NHS maybe?) had seen the bit where ChenQing fucking hurts Shijie thing would’ve gone differently. I mean, yes, LWJ keeps warning WWX that this shit is gonna fuck him up, but as I said in my previous commentary LWJ also has the communication skills of a hermit crab so that wouldn’t work, and JC would be too wound up and WWX too busy trying to conceal his lack of golden core for that conversation to go anywhere. But if someone who WWX knows is a good egg (I’m not gonna say trusts bc paranoia) had sat him down and told him “your new instrument that you use for your new form of cultivation just hurt the person you love most please be careful when you use it.” I think it would’ve worked wonders towards his health overall.

I know Shijie says it’s like Zidian, but she’s not working with the fact that this thing is made for and by the Dark Side of the Force and I’m sorry but I can’t help but see ChenQing as a bit of a horrocrux almost. Or like, if you like me think the Burial Mounds is an Entity, something that’s a bit more sentient that it lets on.

Speaking of reputations and NHS being a good egg, I have oh-so-many ideas (I won’t say plot bunnies because I can’t write for shit) in which NHS for Reasons (time-travel? Letter from the future? His massive brain?) realises just how much damage WWX is doing to his public image. And he might be a sheltered dandy, but he saw what being the son of a sex worker did to Meng Yao despite how hard he worked (I’m assuming he doesn’t know about the whole betrayal business). This is way fucking worse, like hell is he going to let one of his best friends paint a target on his back. So he pulls back his sleeves, engages his slytherin brain and proceeds to lay down a plan to throughly destroy WWX’s reputation as a powerful genius.

I’m guessing LWJ and JC protest, and maybe WWX, and NHS just hits them with “do you want him respected or alive?” And they shut tf up. He glues himself to WWX, and brings up as many instances in which their behaviour can be compared as he can (we got drunk and punished at cloud recesses, we slept in class, we skipped to go fishing, I don’t carry my sword either). And, because assholes be assholes, people like Sect Leader Yao or Clown Cousin are quick to start spouting their own derogatory bullshit and thus WWX the untamed powerful prodigy dies a fiery death. Now he’s just a mouthy kid with a quick mind that “does tricks instead of battle” (I’ll never get bored of using that Thor quote). I also like to think that people who personally know WWX and are not pieces of shit go give NHS a tongue lashing for messing with what they thought was his friend, NHS takes that as a test of good eggness and bring them into the plan. Soon the whole Cloud Recesses class is swearing up, down, left, right and centre that all the shit WWX has ever successfully pulled is just an insane amount of luck and quick thinking.

I don’t know how would they work him into the battlefield (disguise? Mask?) to unleash his demonic cultivation but that’s Plot and I don’t do that.

Also, because I’m a terrible human being I want to say that people assume LWJ is on “pretty but useless” WWX like white on rice because *insert derogatory comment about being good in bed and sexual favours*. Because y’all know the assholes here are Like That. And WWX is horrified because holy fucking shit he’s gonna drag LWJ’s reputation down, he can’t have people thinking HGJ is ok with having him as a concubine pretty much. But before he can act LWJ politely all but confirms that yeah, he’s tapping that, y’all wish you were but he doesn’t share and none of y’all are good enough for his Wei Ying anyway. CUE FAKE/PRETEND RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I AM INDEED TRASH FOR THAT TROPE.

Muahahahaha y’all thought I was gonna devolve into my personal hcs and not include my fave trope? Shouldn’t y’all know me better by now?

(Btw I like this bit ^ so I might polish it a little and post it separately as well, just a warning if you find yourself reading an eerily similar post by me)

WuJi is playing and LWJ is pining so much. Also, if LWJ did not just realise that, just like Yu the Great, WWX had no other option but tame resentful energy I’ll eat my blanket.

I refuse to believe Jiang Yanli didn’t become the unofficial war camp therapist/sounding board/only sane person/everyone’s mum/I just need a hug and a corner to cry in peace. There are not enough fics about Shijie being her gentle BAMF self while in the camp and it’s a pity. My crops are dying y’all!

Also, I will fight anyone who scoffs at Shijie being the epitome of the “gentle woman who cooks and waits for the men to come back from war”. Look at her mum, do you think it is easy for a kid (she was a kid in the flashback when WWX ran away) to see that day in and day out, to have that as a “role model” and decide that she was not going to be like her mum? That she didn’t like what she saw in her so she was going to be kind and gentle? And do you think it is easy for a person barely in their twenties to deal with years of verbal and psychological abuse for again, being gentle and kind, and not grow a hard shell of bitterness to protect themselves? And to keep being gentle and kind while at war, with your parents dead and your siblings unraveling before your very eyes? Shijie is so fucking strong and I love her.

Hey look, the White Walkers!

“Resentful energy is just energy” ok, valid. But my dude, you’ve got black ghost smoke coming out of you and can hear people screaming in your head. I’m not saying it is evil, like someone’s uptight set in his ways arrogant uncle; but it sure as shit ain’t healthy.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH (that’s a Clown Cousin scream btw)

Ok ok, just one little thing: IF SOMEONE ELSE CALLS WWX WEI YING AS A SHOW OF DISRESPECT IMMA SCALP THEM.

...are those crows eating that man alive? Yikes on bikes.

(Assume my comment about YiBo’s Guqin playing also goes for Xiao Zhan and his flute. I can’t play the flute but the tempo doesn’t match his fingers)

I’m just gonna say it, I think 3zun (well, 2zun as of now) suspect shit went down badly for WWX, that’s two questions by both of them in a very soft conciliatory tone. They are genuinely interested/worried about the topic, and don’t seem to come off as chiding or judgemental. I mean WWX is a weirdo irreverent kid and they’re sect leaders, they outrank him so much it’s ridiculous. I’m also counting the fact that both their baby brothers like him towards them being so kind. But I also think WWX just triggers all their big brother instincts the second he walks in.

Oh there’s a thought, Shijie, Wen Qing, NMJ and LXC take a look at everyone’s shitty parents and just decide to adopt everyone.

What happened at Yiling was a traumatised teenager (is WWX even 20?) PTSDing all over the place with the Dark Side of the Force whispering in his ear and an all powerful trinket at his disposal. Not saying I approve of all the torture and murder but he clearly isn’t revelling in them.

That is some outstanding bit of big-brothering on LXC’s side and I love it. Also, my dumbass just realised LWJ probably wasn’t quoting WWX when he was being punished (what is white what is black?) I think he was quoting his big brother. Which is magnitudes deep too, but in a different direction and I might love that scene even more.

Ok fuck it, I’m gonna tangent. So I had a terrible boyfriend when I was 15-18. He alienated me from my friends, sunk my self-esteem to the molten core of the earth, tried to convince me my parents were abusive and encouraged (aka threatened manipulated and cajoled) the slow tanking of my high school marks. I have A Problem when I see media where someone latches onto their significant other and everything they are shifts towards that person. Now, love, true genuine love, is powerful, and I believe it can be the catalyst for shifting your world-view for the better. I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t have a problem with people sticking with their romantic partner if it is clear their previous “family” is so much shit. I don’t have a problem with LWJ coming out of his shell and defying corrupt precepts because his love for WWX made them see they were wrong, or getting sassy and unrepentant during his punishment (I have a problem with the punishment bc that’s abuse but...). But I do side-eye WangXian being the only thing in their orbit. People need people, and WangXian have other good people around them. So I kind of love that yes, WWX showed him the system was corrupt, but it is the words of his brother he is sticking by to the defy said system.

Let’s go back to our scheduled slew of held pinning glances shall we?

LXC after That awkward run-in: WangJi I wasn’t gone that long, what the fuck did you two oblivious pining idiots do?

(LXC has “bitching” tea sessions with Shijie and you can’t convince me otherwise)

LWJ: *is being dramatic and not knocking on WWX’s door*

Me: oh my god you fucking idiot

Shijie: *walks in*

Me: oh thank god someone with a braincell.

Ah yes, there we go triggering WWX’s paranoia again. Why would he get a break.

OH MY GOD YOU PAIR OF FUCKING IDIOTS. THATS IT, FUCK THIS SHIT IM OUT.

@ LWJ: bitch wtf was that? I know you’re shit at talking but have you thought about writing it down? Letters anyone? It worked for mr. Darcy.

(Yes LWJ is mr darcy and now I want an au where LWJ writes WWX letters and just pours everything in them, WWX finds them, any everything is sunshine and rainbows)

While this bullshit fight/misunderstanding is all on LWJ’s shoulders, I’m also going to scream at WWX. Because yes, he is in PTSD hell, but he trusted LWJ before, and yet he can’t get past his perceived notion of LWJ’s character (and his own inadequacies) to trust him again and ask for help. Plus, you know, he thinks he doesn’t deserve he’ll bc *waves hand at WWX’s trauma conga line*

These episodes can’t be good for my BP.

Thanks for reading!

[yggdrasil-mith0s]

I'm thankful for this community and you all.

Here's some info on me and the last few years along with this community and how it's been a part of me the whole time.

Happy Thanksgiving: recently I've been a little more open about my personal life on the blog. Usually I use the Discord but U do like to share on here about it as well. I feel like this fandom deserves to know the person behind this blog and what I am going through because I dont want to be just some fandom blog. I want to be a blog that creates a community of friends. A safe community for every gender or non gender specific people. A place for people with a similar interest and something to talk about to help get past our anxieties and even fears in some cases. Someone once joined our Discord and after a few weeks they were saying " I saw the link for a week when you first made it. I was scared to join. I don't like social interactions and Discord seems confined and for that soecifically so I thought I would lurk. Everyone was so kind I opened up and told yall some things I've never really told anybody. It's one of the best choices I've ever made (them joining the discord server) and everyone is so loving and accepting."

This honestly made me so happy. If I can pick out things and passions that's make me happiest and truly brings a smile to my face... it's stuff like that. It's this fandom and more specifically, this community, that keeps me going and happy. Everyone is so kind, loving, and accepting. I'm so happy it has come to what it is now and wouldn't change a thing. This person got over their fear of socially interacting within the fandom and then shared something they feared being judged for and never really shared with anyone besides 2 or 3 people. No one brings it up. It's a trusted piece of information and we will keep it at that. We are still growing, too, and I will post the link here soon. I'm so happy I created this blog, kept it going, and fell in love with the series, fandom, and this community. It's funny because I was talking to a cosplayer who did some tales stuff and asked for permission to post their work on this blog. When I shared my blog they said "Oh I know that blog. I dont use Tumblr anymore but I think I followed that blog" and It made me squee with joy. This amazing cosplayer followed this blog and it just baffles me cause she is so talented. That makes me wonder how many of you are out there but being modest, not realizing how happy it makes me that you're here. By the way, I see you artist out there with so much talent and acting like you arent that good. Yes you are. I cant even draw straight lines or a cheeto but you can draw Tales characters and I actually know who they are. That is talent whether you realize it or not. Some of you are extraordinary artist by the way. Truly, and I keep thinking how your work will eventually blow up, at the very least in the fandom, and how talented you are, and you follow me. Thank you for being here. I love you all so so much. You're all amazing.

I have been going through a lot and not as active as I have been but I am working on getting back in full circle. I entrusted the server to a few great friends, I am back in it with full mod access but I don't do anything except watch for anything that may be said in the wrong way or something but that literally never happens so I dont do anything lol. Those friends have done great with the server and created more channels and even community nights. I saw Roleplaying of Tales characters recently, too, which makes me happy it's still very active and people feel comfortable there and it's thriving.

Anyways, I havent been doing well. I have and I havent. In the past few years I've been bouncing between houses, getting away from my abusive mom, losing jobs, then going homeless. Having suicide attempts, one point getting real bad and ending up in the hospital to a "psych ward." It was really a detox and center for suicidal people on hold before going home. I went for suicide because I havent relapsed, thank goodness, but I did attempt suicide. I've drank and gotten stupid drunk but no drugs for me in 3 years+ now. Anyways... after that I got sent/told about this halfway house in Downtown Augusta GA. I went with no other options. I was homeless at this point from being in the hospital for 15 days (including psych ward) and no job. I slowly worked my way up from having nothing to... well frankly still having nothing lol. Btw my oldest brother passed before the suicide attempt. He was physically abusive at times and at other times loving. I should take the time to mention my dad passed away when I was 10 as well. So it was my mom, two older brothers, and a little sister. I raised my little sister cause my mom became alcoholic. She was somewhat loving but once I hit my teens she became mentally abusing saying super harsh things and ignoring my depression and anxiety like they weren't real. She said some of the nastiest stuff. We got into fights. The fandom helped me escape and leave her home. Anyways. I still dont have anything to my name except a house and a crappy job... but this community is still thriving and helping me during cut hours of covid and has just been supportive and amazing. My mom passed away a few months ago. So it's just my one brother and little sister now and today I spent it with my little sister. We talked about things I wanted to talk about for so long. Mom was always nice to her and spoiled her and used me and verbally abused. She literally abused both one else. I have a theory and it's because the older I got the more I reminded her of my dad who abused her. Except I reminded her of his kindness that she fell in love with (which to her was lies and manipulation). So she took out everything on me. Anyways.

So my sister and I talked and let a lot out and a lot go. I might actually have a relationship with a family member that I havent had in 11 years. It was with her but we are reconnecting it seems. There's still a lot to go through.... and she's struggling and got her own stuff going on so she cant help me and I cant help her other than by building a relationship. I dont think it would've happened if it wasnt for you all.

I truly believe it's this community that has kept me alive and well these past few years. Thank you so much. This isn't some obligatory thank you. Or a forced "I love you." This is an appreciation for you all. This is heartfelt and as serious as I can be when I say thank you and I love you. You have been my family for years now. It was small. It stayed small for a while but at some point it grew and grew fast. We have over 100 people on our discord and over 1.5I followers in this community among the Tales of fandom and continue to grow slowly. Not everyone is active and some only come in here and there and that's okay. They are still family and they are included in this as much as those that help run the discord now. You all matter so much to me. You're my family and a part of my journey. Thank you all so much and again, I love you. Take this post how you want but do me a favor... use it to remind yourself that you matter. You matter to me. I love you and I mean it. You are a part of a family. A community that accepts all, never judges, helps each other, and only loves. You are a part of that as much as anyone else. And you matter.

[shattered-catalyst]

So Windows 10 has released filters for Colorblind users and this is super important for anyone with colorblindness! 

Accessibility in the graphics making community and rpc is important and I havent seen this floating around despite the fact that the update came out earlier this year so heres a run down on the filter and a review from a Deut. Colorblind artist and newb graphics maker.

How to get it on Windows 10.

Go to settings -> ease of access -> color and high contrast

 There you can select your form of colorblindness from a drop down menu!

The filter affects all programs on your computer and can be toggled on and off by hitting the windows button +ctrl+c!

Review from a Deut. Colorblind user.

 I do see a lot more colors, way more than I thought actually existed which was mind blowing when I first installed it! I was very skeptical it would work but so far so good! I have tested it on video games, editing programs, and chrome. Here are some pros and cons . . .

Pros

It actually allows you to pick up on colors you cannot see IRL

it has different settings for each specific type of colorblindness!

Its per user so if you use a shared computer you can still use the setting and not affect other accounts!

You can find new favorite colors!!! I really love this red-orangey color Idk WHAT its called but I found it now and I love it?? but I cant see it off the computer. so its a special treat for me when i log on and see it.

It affects editing software so it translates over to photopea,gimp,krita etc

You can navigate peoples profiles and read colored text with it (rejoice)

If you dont know what color something is you can take a pic and load it to your computer and viola! I had no idea my cat was THAT orange. But i do now!

Watching youtube videos of things you cant take pics of to get the color experience!!!!!!!!!!

Pride flags, yall, those pride flags

You can better appreciate peoples art and graphics because you can SEE it now.

Cons

I think the biggest downside for me is that the vibrancy actually produces eye strain. even if I do not notice the vibrancy changes I have noticed an increase in eye strain after installation.

I still struggle with subtle tones like skin tones but I struggle LESS than I did before- much noticably less but its still more difficult then it probably is for people with competent cones in their eyes

You find you have 0 idea what colors are supposed to look like and that can be Stressful (see above)

You start to doubt your perception switching between offline and online, its a bit disorienting.

In addition I am uncertain whether the graphics I make look the same to me as they do to individuals who see colors. so far I havent been told otherwise but there are still some difficulties when creating. 

people who use your computer treat it like the ‘is the dress black and blue or white and gold’ or whatever that dress thing was, which can get a bit annoying.

Not Colorblind?? Keep us in mind!

The world has just become a bit more accessible for us, but we still need the help of all yall with functioning cones in your eyes to boost this information and ALSO to keep us in mind when designing profiles and using graphic designs. Not everyone has access to windows 10 or colorblindness filters so its vital to keep us in mind when designing!

Check out the filters and see how different your profile looks to us and use that to make design choices.

Check out some youtube videos showing how different colorblindnesses affect how people see the world

Be willing to send links to pages to colorblind rp-ers who cannot navigate your pages. Especially if you dont use a generic link on your blog.

Also be considerate to colorblind creators! We physically cannot see color as you do and that means; shit happens. Things look weird to you but they look accurate to us. That means if an artist has colorblind on their profile and you notice something is tomato washed etc let them know and help them get the colors and vibrancies right! We want our graphics and psd’s to look right just like you do we just have a physical hurdle. 

Dont ask us if we can see something to test or make sure we are colorblind. Its not cool and its annoying

[theday]

tagged by @ikyh and @younghyuuns ill be doing both sets !! :D thank you both for tagging me!! this got long so yall dont hav 2 read <3

ru?? rushee’s set!! me: wow ru does not sound like rushee at all ? djsjdhhjd im dumb but i realize now

i. do u believe in astrology? whats ur sign and do u line up with the features usually attributed to it?

fucc... i guess i do ;-0...... and yeah i think?????? like they say capricorns are cold bitches and funny nd im like ya thats me... but they also say we’re hard workers and im like uh.. dont know abt that karen !

ii. what’s ur favorite pair of socks?

bbbbbbb..... socks huh...... i guess my ankle ones? there are also socks that have actual designs on them and those r usually thicker.. keep my feets safe! most of them have pkmn designs bc.. yeah... love the poke mans

iii. what’s a food that reminds you of a specific moment/memory?

i could think of anythiing and get reminded of one situation if that makes sense.. but i thought of pineapple..pizza... anyway the memory isnt anythngn special its just me staring at my delicious hawaiian pizza..... at my favourite pizza place.... love that shit

iv. what’s the longest you’ve gone without sleeping?

i dont have the actual hours but the latest ive stayed up.. like willingly would be until 2am

v. how has ur taste in music changed throughout ur life?

went from 1d to 5so/s + other bands to utaite.... they cover vocaloid songs ig i never kno how2 explain what utaites r then 2 kpop.. but i still listen 2 bands + kpop and utaites.... so nothing much has changed ive just gone broader.. wider... expanded my tastes... 

vi. who’s ur fashion icon?

oh definitely kim wonpil

vii. what’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done without realizing?

i breathe dumbass particles.. i cant think of one bc my brain probably blocked off all access to my horrifying past but ive been thinking abt how i used 2 send the boy i used 2 like 1d songs....................... 12 y/o old me rly thought. he’d listen.... 12 y/o me thought spamming him was a good idea glad ive learnt from that! 

viii. what’s something you want to brag about?

my grades but it didnt get me into psychology so nvm ! its still good though i didnt expect to get an A1 (hghest grade) for combined humanities since ive had a B my whole life without it i wouldnt be able to move on education wise lmao so thank god for that thanks cambridge thanks bell curve sunbaenim 

ix. when you imagine urself being happy in the future, where exactly are you (like the location!)?

oh definitely an apartment somewhere where its always windy and the curtains are always Moving and the sun just Shines in the room but its not that hot either its just full of warmth and yeah thats the dream maybe also walks in the park without having 2 worry abt sweating my pits out u kno! tldr anywhere but here

x. what’s something you’ve always wanted to own?

let me Think.... i dont need a lot/?? but id love hm.............. i want stability but realistically i want all the hh pcs from the code albums. 

xi. how’ve you been lately?

good good! i finished my *** fic and its. im proud of it though i know its not that good nd i can do better but its done ! and hm i could be going to see mx but asking my mum is stressing me out speaking of her she wont stop Coughing and she refuses to see the doctor ;-/ love those sleepless nights ! other than that i just want 2 get out and feel the sun ???/ wanna get out of this house yea but i need to be.. shady with my money i cant get a job because school is starting in a month and im going overseas again sometime next month so ! no ones gonna hire someone who can only work for 2 weeks at most dhzjhhs shouldve worked when i had the time dumbasses only

ok now falen

1. what’s been on your mind??

hm redacted feeling towards my mum but i cant say them bc itd be insensitive 

2. what are you looking forward to? 

mx? possibly but also finishing my enrolment papers

3. story time!: how and when did you get into day6!!!!!

fuck...... listen up LADS. 

ive told the same story like 10 times but im never gonna get tired of saying this shit bc i love miss boxy so much nd she deserves the appreciation anywy she introduced me 2 day6 after i saw this one (1) picture of brian in minion glasses and instantly i knew in that Fucking moment thatd id die for him. so i asked for the name of my murderer and was introduced to day6 whom frankly id never heard of b4 bdjhjh she sent me all their mvs and i still remember the night . i remember walking out of this japanese restaurant, twitter open, chat wiht boxy there and i was like.. interesting ill go listen when im home so i Did! and my mind was blown away bitch? i honest 2 god expected them to be a boy group,,, dancing and shit yknow? i didnt know k bands existed ! so as a previous 5/sos stan i was like wow. this??? this shit is 10/10 a fucking BANGER thats what i felt listening 2 i smile and just going :O over the fucking instruments so idk if how can i say was the last or second song but Damn. .. it made me scream thanks mister j** he rly dragged me by the collar of my shirt and threw me face first into Heaven so i watched everything i asked my friend for video recommendations and after boxy sent me a page with their face and names i was like this jae kid is 182 cm? wow gotta stan now im stupid and stupid for glasses and tall people so ! it happened bithc,, ugh i lov eday6 so much i remember binge watchng all their vlives after the july after party live (that being the first vlive i watched Ever in my entire life and i laghed so hard despite not understanding a damn thing) please id giv my heart and soul2 day6 im so happy with the way ive progressed as a myday :^( 

bonus when i first started stanning it was 26th june and shortly after i made a stan acc teasers were being dropped but i didnt kno why ppl were freaking out i remmeber seeing jae’s teaser nd going ? ok? its just a pic damn ;-/ and then eveeryone was like: dowoon! choker! me: wdhs? what

4. ????do you have any allergies????

did u think of jae and no i used to be allergic 2 dairy products but thats disappeared

5. a fond memory???

bowling with friends and im just a disaster of a friend im always so loud with them and i thank god everyday that they handle my energy ? i would cheer for them even if they got a gutter or whatever and when they got a strike id go clap like crazy i love my friends i also went i have the power of god and anime on my side before flinging the ball and theyd laugh despite not knowing what vine that was from i love my friends... psg if ur out there yall are the best x i miss hanigng out with them as a trio.. three of us :( 

6. do you paint your nails?? if so, what are your fave colors to use?? if not, why??  

thats so.. tiresome.......... dont u have 2 wait for it 2 dry and shit ? my mums always worried abt ruining the colour or some sht nd im like !!! okY!!!!!!! tldr its a pain in the ass

7. what are your favorite colors?? what are your fave colors to wear??

i like hte colour of the sky... all the colours........ yeah love that bithc and lately ive been wearing a lot of black shirts finally went out of my embarrassing colourful phase ! 

8. what languages would you like to learn?? for what reason(s)??

japanese nd korean jp because i listen to a lot of things in japanese and korean for the same reason but my priority would be jp even tho id love to communicate with my faves i just... yeah although im not exactly making an effort 2 learn bc im lazy but if i Could.... itd be those two

9. when you get stickers, do you use them or do you keep them??

DHDGFHDHDGDSJHJSJAKSSJHFHS THIS FEELS LIKE A CALL OUT???? i keep them......... 

10. are there any groups that you might get into/want to get into?

hm... well theres knk ive learnt their names and im finally able to put name 2 face so thats nice svt too if htey didnt have such large numbers... thats all for now i think?? i love evry girl group though i love gIRLS... 

11. how are you???

idk im constantly just fine?? not the im sad but im fine kind of fine im literally just neutral half the time wjhddshs wild 

both of your questions were really unique and i loved answering them thank you so much for tagging me and if youve read until the end thank you i hope you have a good day!

[nb-jesus]

this post is in regards to this post. it isnt letting me reblog the post from OP so im either blocked or my computer is funky. so, ive made my own post. @nondysphoric-enby here is my response :D

1) what does my age have to do with anything?

2) youre making me out to be condescending when i never was.

3) *cracks knuckles* here we go

this is what i presume to be an editorial on the credibility of the DSM 5 and the ICD-10. it features both pros and cons. its own sources are listed on the bottom of the page.

this is an opinion piece on the credibility of the DSM 5. its written by a man with a doctorate. if you look at the right side of this page, you can see he was the chair of the DSM 4 task force and is a professor at Duke.

this is a scientific study on the credibility of ICD-10 diagnoses. as mentioned in the editorial i linked, the ICD-10 is not a mental health diagnostic manual in itself, but features a chapter for mental health disorders instead. its used by more professionals than just psychiatrists and therapists, so it has to be general with its wording so that other professionals can understand it and are able to use it to diagnose mental disorders, which the editorial also brings up is a thing that happens.

it is true that Lamba legal says not all transgender people experience gender dysphoria, but the rest of the questions on the FAQ concern gender dysphoria and transitioning. Lambda legal, as far as i can tell, is a nonprofit organization that provides legal counsel for LGBT individuals. this being so, they can only really provide legal counsel to dysphoric individuals seeking healthcare (such as HRT and surgeries) because nondysphoric transgender people probably wont transition. to be gender nondysphoric means to not experience distress because of ones sex, right? is a nondysphoric trans person transitions, what is the point? if them transitioning “makes them more comfortable” then i would think they probably had dysphoria, but just didnt know so. transitioning exists to make ones body reflect ones gender, right? but if a nondysphoric trans person transitions while still comfortable with their natal sex, does that not mean they would develop dysphoria over this? there are a lot of cases of detransitioners who thought they were trans, and tried to transition, but ended up having to stop because they ultimately developed gender dysphoria. if you look at some radfem blogs on here, you can see they do indeed exist. my point is, why is a legal firm credible if they only provide services (which i would assume means only legal counseling a.k.a lawyers) to dysphoric trans people? correct me if im wrong, but legal counseling means “ A counsel or a counsellor at law is a person who gives advice and deals with various issues, particularly in legal matters. It is a title often used interchangeably with the title of lawyer.” according to google. let me reiterate the point of the definition, “a person who gives advice and deals with various issues, particularly in legal matters.” if theyre a credible source, would they not provide services to all transgender people? that question leads back to the question of why would nondysphoric transgender people transition if they are not distressed by their sex. do you see my point?

this is a report on the APA’s involvement in CIA torture after 9/11. this is an article about five (5) APA psychologists and their involvement in forced feeding tube feedings on prisoners in Guantanamo Bay. this is the APA’s code of ethics. it says in the general principles that “ Psychologists strive to benefit those with whom they work and take care to do no harm.” there were revisions to this code in 2010 and 2016 as stated on the page itself. however, does this mean they did not believe this statement--and the others in the rest of the sections--before? to me, it appears not, because of the aforementioned links in this paragraph.

it is true transequality.org says that “ Not all transgender people have gender dysphoria. On its own, being transgender is not considered a medical condition. Many transgender people do not experience serious anxiety or stress associated with the difference between their gender identity and their gender of birth, and so may not have gender dysphoria.” i agree with the fact that transgenderism in itself isnt a medical condition. its gender dysphoria that is; more specifically, its a neurological condition. transgenderism is the symptom of gender dysphoria. that being said, my points in the paragraph about Lambda legal stand even more starkly.

it is also true the NHS gender clinics say “not all gender diverse people experience gender dysphoria”, but in the next paragraph, they list “androgynous” as a diverse identity they experience in their clinics. androgynous is a presentation descriptor label. cisgender people can be androgynous. they also list “gender neutral” as a diverse identity people experience in their clinics. gender neutral is very vague in meaning. do they mean agender people? androgynous people? cisgender people who just dont care what people call them? and so on and so forth. they use the Interim Gender Dysphoria Protocol and Service Guideline 2013/14 and the The Royal College of Psychiatry Good Practice Guidelines for the Assessment and Treatment of Adults with Gender Dysphoria 201 to help care for their patients. the Interim Gender Dysphoria protocol has a graphic early in the many pages that shows if someone does not get a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, they are discharged or sent elsewhere for other treatment. it also shows that if a diagnosis couldnt be made, then more observation is done, and if no diagnosis is made, they are again discharged or sent elsewhere for other treatment (the graphic is on page 7). the Royal College of Psychiatry does indeed say not all “gender variant” people or gender-non-conforming people experience gender dysphoria (they say this on page 14). they never explicitly say transgender or transsexual in that paragraph, only stuff about diversity. “gender variant” doesnt make sense to me, personally, because transgender/transsexual are not dirty words. that is my personal opinion, so i dont know how others feel about it. in terms of counting gender-non-conforming people, that doesnt make sense either. cisgender people can be gender-non-conforming, and they dont need services from a gender identity clinic.

the WHO revised their definition of gender dysphoria and moved it from a mental health condition to a sexual health condition back in 2018, if i can recall correctly. i cant find the exact page where ive seen them say gender dysphoria isnt needed to be transgender, but i did find this. on that page, they say gender is the socially constructed characteristics of men and women. if gender is a social construct, which is what theyre saying but in simpler terms, then why is it so important for people to transition and alleviate gender dysphoria? if its to make them more comfortable in their bodies, why do the terms transgender/transsexual and gender dysphoria even exist, if gender is a social construct? would treatments for the discomfort transgender people experience with their bodies just be something else? or would there even be treatments at all? i know some of the questions ive asked in this whole thing can seem like reaches, but i really just want to stress the ideas that some people may think of if they hear of these things. to my knowledge, the WHO also listed gender-non-conforming people in their definition of transgender. though ive also heard they later say on that page that not all gender-non-conforming people are transgender, its weird they would even include it in the first place.

side note: terfs say gender is a social construct, too.

taking sources at face value (”why medical professionals shouldnt be trusted and how they dont actually mean what they said”) isnt really... the greatest thing to do. a common point yall tucutes make is that only you know your gender. if thats true, then why do yall take what medical professionals say about being transgender as 100% fact?

calling transmeds the “anti-vaxxers and flat earthers of the trans community” is gross. transmeds havent killed people because we havent gotten vaccinated.

if you respond, id appreciate it if you could be civil <3 thank you! i look forward to getting your response :D

[red-stocking]

What in your opinion are the upsides and downsides to both radical feminist theory and Marxist feminist theory? :)

THIS IS AN EXCELLENT QUESTION THANK YOU (as always i apologize for the hella long response)

First, i want to start off by saying that I would really define marxist feminism as kind of a sub-category of radical feminism. There is just such a tremendous overlap in theory, and quite a few radical feminists were also socialists, and vice versa. The real difference is kind of the plan-of-action, the ‘how to actually concretely fight the patriarchy’ part, and then kind of the in-practice cultures of marxist feminism and radical feminism.

I also wanna say that, in a perfect world, marxist feminist is a redundant phrase. Marx, Engels, Lenin and Zetkin all agreed that women’s rights must be part of a socialist program, without it you do not have socialism. That Marxism makes feminism unnecessary, because socialism is already fighting for equal rights for all, power to the people, no worker’s voice is stronger than another’s. There are many women marxists who do believe it is redundant and so they don’t apply the feminist label to themselves, Not because they are at all anti-feminist, and not out of condemnation to feminists of any kind, but because they see their ideas both as encompassing of the women’s struggle and not inclusive at all to the bourgeois feminist movement. If that makes sense. Anyway, I call myself a Marxist feminist because I don’t wish to distance myself from feminism, especially on this site, because I want to engage feminists and i want other feminists to see that we have ideas in common immediately, without me having to explain several marxist pillars. Both marxist and radical feminism look at the roots of womens oppression, they both analyze the social contexts in which patriarchy exists, and both recognize that femininity and masculinity are not innate, biological facts but culturally relative tools of oppression. 

So- the major pillars (or what I think they are) of radical feminism are included in marxism/marxist feminism. They differ then, in how we must dismantle the patriarchy. It has never been clear to me what the plan is in radical feminism. As far as I have been able to tell, its just analysis and like, growing consciousness or awareness at the socialization we as women experience. Or I have also seen separatism as a way to escape patriarchy. But otherwise, just suggestions of donating time and money to women’s shelters and charities, but none of these things actually change the system, none will deliver that huge blow that will take patriarchy down for good. If there is a radical feminist that knows differently, please do comment! I am not the most well-read person on the subject, so I could be wrong and just haven’t learned what that plan is yet. But yeah, as far as I know, that’s the plan.

The ultimate goal of marxism is to establish socialism. The idea behind marxism is that society changes when the people’s relationship to the means of production changed, and this is confirmed by what we know of archaeological history. When private property was first developed as a concept (and there was enough surplus from what people were producing to claim ownership on things) that was when women’s oppression began. Prior to that, there was what we call primitive communism, where resources were shared because there was not enough to go around anyway- communism for survival. There were divisions of labor between the sexes in most primitive communist societies (the whole hunter-gatherer idea) but there is a lot of evidence that these divisions were hardly strict, and not as pervasive as once thought. Then of course, under feudalism slavery was developed, and then later, with the transition to capitalism, racism really took hold. (there is a LOT of debate about when racism really ‘began’- but it did more or less coincide with the transition from feudalism to capitalism i believe.)

Sorry, that background was necessary. Basically, social relations in society change when the economics of society change.  Marxists then apply that idea to the future of humankind as well. They say, well if we want to dismantle these systems of oppression -sexism, racism, homophobia, ableism, etc) we have to change the relationship of the people to the means of production. We have to dismantle capitalism, and establish socialism. Giving women economic equality is the first step to dismantling patriarchy, and that cannot be done under capitalism. 

Now of course, no marxist/marxist feminist believes that all we need to do is have a socialist revolution and then Boom, we r done. After all, we still have the oppression of women, something that could have been dismantled with the transition from feudalism to capitalism, but wasn’t. There needs to be active intervention to ensure women’s equality under socialism after the revolution. After the Russian Revolution (which celebrates its 100th anniversary this year, and started with a women’s strike 100 years ago this wednesday!) there were programs established that gave access to free childcare, healthcare, contraception was legalized, it was easier for women to get divorced, women were given the right to vote and equal status to men was given immediately, and at one point the sciences had an equal representation of women- even almost tipping to give women a majority. This was the nation engaged in the space race with the US, remember. (I dont want to sound like I am in anyway romanticizing the USSR and I absolutely am NOT a Stalinist, but they got a couple things right in the early days and those are worth pointing out).So that is what I consider the ‘upside’ to marxist feminism, or the ‘downside’ to radical feminism. WOW OK ALMOST THERE STAY WITH ME YALL.

The other way in which radical feminism and marxist feminism differ is the communities. Marxism is dominated by men. So fucking dominated by men. i have found a leftist group that is very welcoming, aware of women’s oppression, and I feel very comfortable speaking up in the group- but I am the ‘token’ female, the only one. And this is not just my group, but the national and international organizations my group belongs to. There’s an LGBT Rights pamphlet but they really only talk about the G and the T. And I do know it isn’t out of maliciousness, I have met the guy who wrote that pamphlet. Its just. Out of sight out of mind. The representation of women is just appallingly low. They are aware of it and really do want to change it, they are working on making women’s issues more prominent in discussions, making their spaces more welcoming to women, etc. But at the moment, my sex sometimes can feel like a burden, or extra responsibility. Like I have to represent an entire half of the world by myself. There isnt really a ‘marxist feminist’ community, just marxists.

In radical feminist circles, obviously it is men who are the minority if they are at all present. Its a very different community than marxism. Obviously it’s not perfect, there are issues that the radfem community needs to work out, but I appreciate things like how open i can be about my menstrual cycle, I can vent about men a little more viciously than i would with my male comrades- though they are pretty accepting of anti-men rants, I gotta say. It’s just nice to talk to women and the culture in radical feminism is just- being a woman and an asshole is more acceptable lol. I don’t have to be on my tiptoes with what words I use. I am not even sure how to explain it tbh. So that’s the upside of radical feminism/ the downside of marxism. I talked about a ton of different stuff and touched on a lot more things, so if you or anyone wants to ask me any follow up q’s i welcome asks. anon is always on. sorry for the essay.

[the-peoples-bees]

um final thoughts i guess we can give some final thoughts.

i guess i can go first uh.. it was really enjoyable um. it was the first show i tried out for and one of the few i managed to get anything for. honestly when i first met shaina.. theyre appearances were very rare. everyone else seemed so excited whenever theyd say a word and i. i had no idea who they were.  but i knew they were better than id ever be just from the way everyone seemed to love them. and still do even now. i dont know why they even bother with me.. but its been some times throughout the years. i didnt intend for airen to mean so much to me but in the end she ended up being just as much a part of me as my bpd or the fact i wanna die. i feel bad saying she is me. but thats just how kintypes work sometimes isnt it.... they come at you and you dont even mean for them to happen but once theyre you theyre you. ‘s it... and shes the first thing that really meant so much for me... saying that.. makes me feel bad actually. i just wish that my feelings on people wouldnt be so fucked up. i feel like people mean a lot and then the next second like. they probably hate me right. like i know you dont but i always feel like it.. someone who does so much hard work as you... why wouldnt anyone think that. anyone like me. thanks for the work. its.. weird thinking thats just it.. but. i guess i feel like that when any of those sorts of characters die. and. sorry ive been such a burden. -vriska

aaaaaaaah, shai that was so good- im so proud!!!! you make me wish we could actually coordinate to finally MAKE something- its hard tho hahahah! if miro wasnt so busy putting out stuff in the headspace i would ask her just because i know how she works- we’d definitely be able to get something. ah, but that was so good! im amazed at how hard you can work- its so great!!! im glad we got to be involved!!!! and im glad that you are so great. -nick

Hello. I’m sorry, I just- all of that was amazing. That’s the kinda stuff I wish I could do in “real life”! I do this stuff in headspace no problem, but you can’t show stuff in headspace to outside people! How do you do it? I am stunned- you hear me, absolutely stunned! There was so much motion, and so much GOOD motion. I am in awe. - Miro

THAT. WAS. BAD ASS. that was real cool, yo. it was fucking phenominal. i know ive not seen much but.. best thing i’ve ever seen. period. the way you did all that stuff- that was so cool. honestly i respect you. - sen.

was good, i enjoy watching with everyone. it real fun. i know you not like it but it good show. all characters good. they all try best even if it not work for everyone.. but still it good. good show. i happy bell live okay, she friend, want her to be happy. you do good job, i glad you get to finish. - alexis

Watching this whole show it was good! I am so glad.. that we got to watch it! I was looking forward to it when it was mentioned. You are such a great friend, honestly I can’t get over that. All those nice things you said about me before I showed up, and became The Real Thing. I am so flattered, honestly. Your work is so good as well, I am flattered that such a talent would be invested in, at all- AT ALL, a person like me. I simply loved the show, the change in writing to cut the additional seasons was handled well. All of the visuals were great. I simply adored the subtle developments in style, and design, and voices. It really added so much heart to the series. - Murm

Ain’t got too much t’ say besides that was good y’all. Really could appreciate all the work you went through, just to tell a story you weren’t super invested in. Major props and luck to ya with the next project, bitch. -Emmis (((I wanted him to add that at the end but he wouldn’t because he said he’s never talked to you, but i added it for him, hahahahah! - Murm)

I simply wish to congratulate you on your achievement. It is not something that everyone does, and you pushed through just to be able to do so. I am very proud of what you have accomplished. We have known you for quite a long time and you have been a joy, for the others. - Cathiina

um, y- youve done, uh, rrreally well. im s- sorry if my writing wwwwill be very hard tt- to read.. after mmmassive switching i- iiiits hard ffffor me to, uhhhh, thh- think ssstraight. n- not that i aa-aam able to when i t- try to talk normally, b- but... stuff like this ooonly makes it worse. um... t- today was my first time s- seeing that wwhole thing, uh, i- it was good. uh, th- that p- part with the aaarm m- made me a bbbit uncomfortable, b- but thats g- good, right? i- its nnnothing wrong with whhhat you did, i just c- cant do that again. i- it jjjust reminded me o- of everything.. b- but everything else was go- gggood. you did a, uh, good job. - Rezza

hey yall. my words aint gonna be too good cause stuff in the brain has to change when its being controlled by another person and when we communicate like. a large amount of the time its just hot potato with the brain. so after 4 hours of that its kindaaaaa fried hahaha. but yeah that was so good. i saw the episode like 4 times i really enjoyed it. you did super great and im glad we been friends yall. youre super great at shit yall im amazed. super great to know you and super great to see all that shit. nice job yall. -shima

[survivor-all-stars-blog]

EP 7: "Today Was 100% Certified Garbage" - Abbey [ PART I ]

Those tribals could've been way worse huh? Steffen and Lydia are both safe, which is super good, and I'm glad that something went Steffen's way because now he's back in a good mood. I'm super worried for Jake now that we have this...quadruple tribal shit goin on..... in ter esting 

But over the past few days I've been trying to lay low. After my outrage at the voting immunity and then my performance in the tasks one, I knew I needed to just remove myself from the spotlight, and that's what I tried to do. Still, there's been some work to do...

I had the most awkward conversation in the world with MJ and found out that Ricardo is the one who ratted me out to Kait and I SCREAMED I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SDKFJHSFJDFSKSDH

i dont remember how much i put in confessional but basically she called me and was like "why are you talking shit about me" and IIIIIIIIIIII panicked and told the truth like about how I was so frustrated at the challenge and how she was making it obvious that her/jenn/mj are a group like?????? doesn't take nancy drew to figure that one out huh! but whatever. I told her I wasn't coming after MJ, and then she went and told MJ I WAS, and he told Lydia and she told me so I called him and was like.... I'm not.... Even though I totally am. But now Lydia is convinced that MJ shouldn't be the one to go and ??? SO whatever. If I need to work with him to save my ass, that's fine. If I can't BEAT Kait/MJ, I need to be in with them, even if they don't fully trust me,

Logan also told Lydia that I was being messy so that's fun??? I think it's funny how I deliberately disagreed with Jenn's plan during the rankings challenge just to see if I could get them to budge, but then Logan defended her and now they don't trust me as much. 

So I need to call Gage and Logan the next few days and get them to understand that I'm on their side! That'll be fun!!!!!!!!!!

Right now, I need to focus less on having control, and more on survival. I've been good about keeping an awareness of things (Jake/Steffen using their powers, etc.) but I need to get to a point where I can use the info I have.

As of right now, I do really appreciate Lydia in this game, and I don't trust anybody else so that's cool.

Alright. I've had the night. I went to bed relatively early so I didn't end up getting frustrated or spilling too much info in an act of desperation. But I'm clearly in a tenuous spot on Hudson. So here's my to-do list:

1. Leave the past in the past. Don't hold grudges for being blindsided. That's how you get voted out as a threat to flip. 2. Restore relationships. I don't think any of the people involved acted maliciously or with the intent to screw me. Because of that, I think there's some potential to work on those friendships. The bridges haven't been burned, they're just fraying a bit. Nothing a bit of preventative maintenance can't fit. And I'm hoping it really is just the surface level stuff I see, and not cracks in the fundamentals that lead to collapsing structural integrity. 3. This one is the most important: win individual immunity. When you're the sole outlier vote that's still on the tribe, a blatantly obvious target is painted on your back. But if I can force myself to be safe this round, one of those who voted Wes will have to go out of necessity.

On the Thotse tribe, things went mostly as planned. No idol came out, Jessy went by a 4-1 vote, and everything seemed hunky-dory (though I should rebuild my relationship with Jessy, too, limited as it was.) 

But then, after the comp was revealed, Wes just... lost his drive, I guess? He said he didn't have the time or patience for all these endurance comps and we should just vote him out. I'm conflicted by this, to say the least. On the one hand, he's been such a good effortless ally and a friend. He's been looking out for me and vice versa. Losing him would put me on a tribe with Jack and Lydia and, while I love both eternally to death, I'm worried there may be some enduring Denali allegiance. 

On the other hand, it would make the vote a lot easier. As much as I didn't want to vote Wes, I don't especially want to vote either of the other two. We've formed tight bonds, bonds that I really didn't fully expect to galvanize so quickly. And while I knew I wanted to work with Lydia from the jump, the reality of our tribe made it so hard. But now, there's a chance for something enduring to be built with herself, Jack and me on the ashes of Thotse.

Agh. This game is getting away from me fast. I'm lucky to have such good allies in this game, even if many are currently on other tribes or in their death throes. But for posterity's sake, let's make a list. In no specific order...

MOST TRUST: Jack, Lydia, Wes, Jenn, Kait, Logan NEAR 'MOST TRUST' BUT NOT QUITE THERE: MJ, Matt MORE TRUST THAN DISTRUST: Steven (hashed things out this morning,) Abbey. Jakey? NEUTRAL: Jimmy, Owen, Steffen (he did what he had to do to stay alive, but I'm going to have to be really cautious with him.) MORE DISTRUST THAN TRUST: Carson, Ruthie, Jessy (self-imposed, but still. Until I get the chance to clear the air, and she may even still end up here.) NEW CONFESSIONAL, WHO DIS? Gage (which is not to say total distrust, but like... our paths haven't crossed. Is he even in this game? I should at least say hi in case.), Ricardo (I actually DID forget he was in the game and only added his name after this next paragraph was already written. Oops.)

Anyway, if there's one thing I'm proud of, it's the fact that we were responsible for breaking the streak of double-booting the players who are eligible in both tribals. Wes got brutally murdered in one game, which I really wish I'd have seen and stopped. Somehow. I don't know how I could have. He seemed to have Ruthie on lock and it never even occurred to me that he wasn't especially communicative with Steven, as the latter just told me. 

I don't know that I have a lot I can do right now until people start logging in and talking back. I won't have the time or the guaranteed uninterrupted time I'll need for this kind of comp until after 4, so even practicing may be a challenge.

Sigh. Steven said it best in regards to all tribes going to TC this round – at least everyone is in the same boat. Just a pity we haven't been able control our own destiny, which we WERE doing.

I'm overdue for some good news. Please, Survivor Gods, old Gods, new Gods, Gods of every denomination, Oprah and Chester the Cheetos mascot... if you're listening, please give me a win here. I need a win so badly.

yall gonna watch this one?

im my score of 1 wowie

i have to choose between mj or ruthie, and? this is such a hard choice and either way fucks me over. itll probs be 3-1 ruthie, but it would be 2-2 for mj, and i'd probably be auto-elimed, which is NOT what i want. 

and, as for game a, jakey cant vote, so honestly i wanna go with abbey and gage and vote out jack bc he voted out jessy.

hopefully both tribals are easy, and i manage to stay, but, knowng the people on my tribes? thats not happening

Also I will clarify with Ryan when he's back but I am like 80% sure for those of you with 4 people on your tribe - in the event of a tie, you will do a challenge tiebreaker, not rocks

NVM RUTHIE WILL GO TO TIEBREAKER IF SO I MIGHT BE FINE WITH THAT DSJKSDJKSDJK

OK BUT IDK I LOVE MJ? BUT I ALSO LOVE RUTHIE? BUT I KNOW I CANT BEAT EITHER?

somehow i randomly got myself into rlly good positions on both tribes, i jut gotta hope im not exposed for being a ratty mctatty

so today was 100% certified garbage wow. i had a personal issue and i couldnt do the challenge so that was annoying. shoutout to the hosts for not striking me yall the real MVPs. ANYWAY so jakey won immunity so any plans to take him out are shot. BUT jack and I are solid?? i think?? and i think?? i got carson on board to vote out gage?? So hopefully on one tribe I got locked down. Denali is another story. my dumb ass tried to vote matt out so idk where he stands with me but he said he was willing to work with me so im gonna do whatever he wants and hope for the best ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

I can't believe there was a point in this game where I didn't want to work with MJ. He is probably the most genuine kind hearted person I have ever met and he really does care about me. Yes, we've been lucky about not having to be on a tribe together so our relationship is secret but it's so nice to have someone I can just talk to. He could be playing me, yes. But so far he has proven to me that he is a trustful ally and I do have to rely on him in some aspects of this game because his connections are glorious.

I won immunity whew :') I didn't expect to do well at all but this is such a pivotal moment that I feel like I really needed it. It's not so much pivotal in the way that it'll set a new course for the game, but it's pivotal in that with this immunity, I can hopefully lay low and let things fold out before the final 14 in each game.

Also... I'm screaming @ Jake. I thought I was good at balls, but he's the real ball enthusiast huh sfkjhdfskjfs 

Anyways... I'm super mad about the adventure. It DOES NOT. MAKE SENSE. That climbing up a volcano....would take you the same exact place....as walking along the path down a volcano??? That's fuckin RIGGED, huh? And now I know someone has that other idol, and honestly, it's probably someone with the clue. I think I'll confront Kait about it, because I know SHE had the clue... And I know from MJ that it was the same one about the colors. So there's a good chance MJ or Kait have the idol.

I talked with MJ and brought up Matt's name. I also mentioned Lydia like... trying ti make it seem like Lydia and I weren't close, which I thought is what Lydia and I agreed to do buuuut apparently MJ thought it was sketchy OOPS. Messy Owen strikes agian. But I'm pretty sure we're just gonna settle on Matt, which is fine.

On my other tribe, idk. Jenn/LOgan/myself will prob keep voting together, and I don't want to lose Gage. I talked to him tonight and I think he's someone I could hopefully gain a lot of trust from... Which means that I need to target Steven, in a way that doesn't make it obvious that I want to work with Gage. Fun times. I think I can do it, but we'll see.

As for the other tribes, I think there's nothing I can really do??? It seems Ruthie is losing both lives, Jessy is losing a life, and Abbey is losing at least one.... Lydia and I talked a lot and I really encouraged her to try to organize something to save Wes and get Jack out, but she says Wes and Pat won't go for it, and that Jack would have to volunteer to lose a life, which I don't see happening. So probably Wes will go...

As for the tribe with Carson/Abbey/Jack/Jake/Gage, Jake said ABbey is going, and I can see that, which wouold suck... Abbey is closeish with Lydia and is a good number for us (as is Wes) and I do NOT want to lose them both. I want like.... Carson/Abbey/Gage to vote Jack out, but idk if I'll have that kind of pull over Gage an Abbey to organize them like that??? And I have no clue where Jack stands.

Sooooo I guess we'll see. At least for now, I'm sitting pretty until whatever hell y'all demons throw at us next

I love Jenn Tramkellan

WHEN A BALE IS WHEACHED. 

Like Boston Rob's game being straight outta the godfather, my game is straight outta the care bears because I don't want anyone to leave!

jack fukt me and now im 95% sure im going home. i wanted to be loyal to him and pat and it fucked me over I should have said yes to carson when he wanted to vote jack. oh well i had fun, if i go ill be ok 

HOW'S MY FAVORITE HOST CHAT DOING

Anyways

here's what I have going on w/ jake right now (i sent this to him): "I want you to send this to me so I can copy + paste it to kait: "i did the rocky side of the volcano and I fell off when I tried jumping down to another path" or something like that make it sound more like... it was coming from........you! I'm gonna send that to kait and tell her that's an ~obvious lie bc Lydia went that way and she went further blah blah blah so that would make it seem like you were hiding s/t THEN I think you should go to jenn and tell her you had to do a flash game and then got to the part where you throw in a marble and tell her you threw in a different marble (not green, yellow for example) and it gave you a power and then you make that shit up!

embellish!" The plan is to make Jenn & Kait feel like Jake has a power that he can give to Jessy by telling them contradicting stories where Jake lies to me but would be telling Jenn the truth (both would be LIES!!!!), so they'll scramble and save Jessy. So there's that. Matt SHOULD be leaving Game A. I'm gonna make sure things are solid in Game B so R*thie gets blindsided hard as fuck. Called with Lydia and she called this "saving Wes" thing my plan... like.... WHEW OK GURL! As if you weren't thinking about this already!!!! Don't stroke my ego! I can do that myself. So Jack should be getting "blindsided" on Thotse and he should be OK in Game A hopefully This should all work out Quite well! ALSO even if the SAVE JESSY thing doesnt work out, i think ive gained a lot of favor with Jake this round by helping them out here so he should feel slightly closer to me moving forward and he should be PISSED @ the malaysia trio!! 

Tag yourself, I'm everyone disappearing and not responding to your messages cuz they're too afraid to make a move to remove the status quo. B O R I N G 

Literally fuck this game everyones fake as fuck

everyones playing so hard and i was so happy bc this game was so much less cliquey than i thought, but NOPE! everyones still like that and being rats, and what turned into a simple vote changed bc ruthie wants to vote me now? like, fake!

i really thought i was in a good position but now i feel like im playing too slow compared to everyone else, and i have little chance of winning and that just takes the fire out of me,  like. i just want to do something but i cant with these small as fuck tribes and these gross as fuck people.

like, jessy wants me to tell mj she has an idol so he'll tell kait. like, why? and ofc since im a dumb bitch i agree and probs fuck up my relationship with mj.

i bet everyone just sees me as a number when im trying to make actual friends and that pisses me off bc i just want to have fun but they arent letting me because i have to follow them, and im forced to vote out the ppl i like

What is even happening right now?  Because I have NO earthly idea!  Yesterday I was feeling SO bad for Steffen that I kind of came up with the idea (with a little bit of coaxing on his part) to willingly let he and Steven vote me out.  FUCK.  AM I CRAZY? WHY DID I HAVE TO COME UP WITH THAT? Now I'm paranoid that I'll end up going  on my other tribe because  MJ and Carson  seem close.  Kait says I'm fine but just.... I have this feeling.  I really think I'm so screwed tonight no matter what happens. 

Like, I just don't know what to do.  If I vote Carson with Kait and MJ I lose Carson as an ally and he is my biggest ally.  If I vote out MJ I would then lose both MJ and Kait and that.... would suck.  A lot.  Because they are good people to keep close to me in this game.  

As for my other tribe I really think I'm the one that is going to be the goner because I haven't heard from ANY of them all day today.  The smart move would be to vote out Steffen because he has one life, but he is Steffen and I really don't want to lose him, it's just an all around sucky situation and I have no idea what's happening on that tribe at the moment which probably means I'm a goner for real!  

Well, time to start chatting everyone up again to see if I can get several clues to what's going to happen tonight.  FINGERS CROSSED I STILL HAVE A LIFE OR TWO AFTER THESE TRIBALS. 

ahhh this game is so messy

Votes are due in an hour and fifteen minutes and I STILL don't know what I'm doing, rip.