#i dont feel much like myself lately

[risingscorchingsuns]

It was the middle of winter when Hikaru died.

It was dark out, the ground sparkling with frost in the full moon’s glow. Midnight, pitch dark, when his life was snuffed out. A lifelong quest for revenge, resulting in his own death by the same hands that ended his family.

The Kakushi said he didn’t go quickly. Bled slowly. Fought as hard as he could. Anyone other than an Upper Moon wouldn’t have stood a chance.

By the time his team’s bodies had been recovered, Hikaru had long since bled out, the gaping hole in his abdomen bearing the same telltale wound as hundreds of others. Hundreds of lives cut devastatingly short, in one brutal, ruthless blow.

The Kakushi looked on in horror at the decimated party. Five Kinoe, led by Hikaru. All dead. Limbs mangled, bones shattered, organs ruptured. It was not an easy death; soldiers rarely died neatly.

Rigor mortis was setting into Hikaru’s long-cold limbs as he was loaded into the wagon. Placed carefully beneath a cover, as if he were simply sleeping, his clenched fist still holding tightly to an indigo blade.

As the pale winter dawn touched the sky with long rose-colored fingers, a small beetle takes flight, her violet elytra glinting in the winter sun. You wouldn’t know by looking at her, but her gentle clicking noises were a song of mourning.

The mournful faces of the Kakushi were obscured by their masks as they carry the fallen back home, sad glimmers in their eyes as they step into the threshold of headquarters.

A man with flame-colored hair and warm molten eyes spots them immediately, jumping to his feet and rushing over. He greeted them eagerly, hopeful for uplifting news.

Golden eyes meet sad obscured ones. No words are spoken; they would only get in the way of the deafening silence. The man sinks to his knees, the world reeling around him.

Shouting comes from around the corner. A shorter man with silver hair and eyes like jade comes tearing into the clearing, a medical assistant shouting after him as he ignores the brace on his back. He frantically shouts Hikaru’s name.

Sage eyes meet gold and crimson. A devastating truth is shared between them. A strangled cry escapes the shorter man’s chest, and he stumbles. His warhammer falls from his hands, thudding against the frozen ground.

The air is filled with deafening silence, thick enough to drown in. It’s so loud; nothing has ever been so universally quiet.

It was the middle of winter when Hikaru died.

[icewindandboringhorror]

Little bright colored outfit with a fun vest ~

(shoes from ebay like 10 years ago. everything else is thrifted)

[lemongogo]

sry i dont know what 2 draw anymore T_T . elendira portrait #999

[greatestjubilee]

bleh

[aether-weather]

SAGESUNE MIKU >:DDD

[abirddogmoment]

I am fortunate to have a dog that is good at settling in the house, regardless of how much exercise she gets, and I am careful to reinforce that so I don't create an athlete or whatever.

that said

Trying to explain to my adolescent dog that boredom is a part of life (and specifically life where we live, where we experience dangerous weather conditions) is actually one of my least favourite activities.

[lazy-b1rdy]

i haven't been inspired lately.

[puppppppppy]

adhd comix

[neige-leblanche]

but rlly though i cant wait to leave this job. i feel like less than a year ago i was such a sweet & lively person & even if that's not who i am "naturally" it was easy enough to behave that way & it spread positivity to others & made me feel better about myself. now i feel like im just stuck in this rut of exhaustion & cruelty & suffering & it's so much harder to smile and breathe and take in all the loveliness in the world. it's so hard to stop thinking abt all the poverty & hatred & despair that's in my very vicinity no matter where i go.

i do think my job has something to do with that tho like i cant let myself abandon all my optimism just bc im seeing things i hadnt seen before. back when i worked at subway there were plenty of poor immigrants & homeless/jobless ppl & ppl with mental disabilities who came in to get sandwiches & it never made me depressed to interact w them bc they were just,, yknow. getting sandwiches. most of them had things to smile about and people to chat with & at least had food. i def want to find a job where if i am interacting with the public it's to provide something to make them happier rather than taking them in at their most unhappy

[eggwishing]

All i really seem to draw nowadays is anatomy practice… i feel like i’ve lost my way with art. I want to tell stories, that’s the whole reason i’m doing this! i don’t just want to make shit that looks nice! but i don’t know how to put myself in a headspace where i care enough about things that were important to me before Or the way they made me feel

[spearxwind]

I have to figure out a way of getting more interest in my oc stuff without needing to draw as much because I dont have the time or energy to draw as much as I would like, which includes a lot of concepts and/or scenes that are in my head only but can't commit to drawing, but it feels like most people are only interested in visual stuff as opposed to just written stuff (and for good reason, visuals are flashy and all!) It just makes me a little sad that I cant draw and share everything Id like to show, and what I can do most is talk about it, but that barely ever gets responses unfortunately

[spidrboots]

xxx.

[the-rxven-king]

what if i set up a lil commission tier on my ko-fi that lets people donate to request fan art..... would anyone be interested in that? id be limiting it to fandoms i know and like but still

i dont normally draw it but itd be incentive for me to actually Do It and also the job market where i live rn is so fuckin abysmal that ive applies to 10+ places and only like 3 of them have even bothered to contact me At All in regards to the applications to reject me so i. need to start trying things to get money back instead of sinking all of it into rent

[vraska-theunseen]

got asked tonight if i was a butch lesbian or a trans man... its working

[orcelito]

I've been working on Finally finishing Naruto Shippuden (after being a Naruto fan for nearly 15 years), & I just finished episode 420. And I have some THOUGHTS about the "Naruto is the reincarnation of Ashura" thing. This started as just me rambling for my normal liveblog posting, but I had a LOT of thoughts about this actually, so I am presenting them to u all Now.

So. Naruto meeting the Sage of Six Paths! Cool!!! I'm finally learning about Naruto being the reincarnation of Ashura, which... honestly is not a choice that I like very much. Narratively speaking, I mean. The Point of Naruto's journey was that he was the underdog, the bottom of his class, the orphan that everyone hated and made fun of. Through hard work and perseverance, he managed to drag himself from being a complete social outcast to someone generally really loved and respected. That's compelling!!! It means a lot!!!

But then the show is like. "Oh...actually, he's the son of the fourth hokage. And Also, he's the reincarnation of the son of the literal creator of ninshuu aka the precursor of modern ninjutsu." I mind him being Minato's son less as a narrative choice (for reasons I will get into shortly), but making him Ashura's reincarnation?? I've got Several things that bug me about that.

So First, for him being Minato's son. It's not like that's ever Actually given him any sort of status (since most people don't know), & Minato was also kind of just a random guy?? Just incredibly skilled, enough so to become the 4th hokage. And then there's also Kushina, descended from a very successful and very Feared clan that ended up almost entirely killed bc of that fear. Naruto being an Uzumaki means great power, huge chakra reserves (not even including the extra chakra he gets from Kurama), & some innate skills (that Naruto mostly didn't inherit, but one can play pretend sometimes). BUT ALSO, they were almost entirely killed off. He's a survivor of his clan's genocide that happened well before he was even born, and he doesn't even REALIZE it yet. So even though being Minato's son means he's the son of a very influential person, it doesn't give him the same leverage as being a Senju or Uchiha would. And the clan he Does belong to bc of Kushina does not give him status either, bc they're almost all fuckin Dead. And we know that Minato is a Namikaze, but as for what that actually *means*.... it's basically nonexistent. There is no mention of a Namikaze clan. Minato was just a prodigy in his own right.

SO.... All that is to say that while appending Naruto's orphan story with a "well, Actually, his parents were very powerful and well respected" does discount it a little bit, it's still not Especially unique in terms of what other people in their world may experience (there are other descendants of current and/or former kage + Many other powerful clans running around) OR in the benefits that it gives him (essentially nothing, outside of his physical strength and the inheritance of Kurama himself)(which inheriting Kurama did grant him access to IMMENSE power, but it also was the source of So Much of his suffering growing up, so I think it balances out).

The "reincarnation of Ashura, son of the Sage of Six Paths" thing tho... that one really kinda does. At that point, Naruto is no longer just the orphaned son of two respected shinobi & the current jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi (something special, but not entirely original, given that there are Other jinchuuriki who are descendants of powerful shinobi). He is now something that NO ONE ELSE ALIVE can be. It is saying that He, above Everyone Else, is special in this way. Outside of Sasuke lol, but I'll touch on that in a moment.

It just feels kinda cheap. It's cool I guess, but at this point it feels like we've completely lost the Plucky Orphan who works hard to overcome his circumstances plot. It's saying that he was Always one of a kind, he was Always destined to become Someone Special (or that he was, in fact, special the whole time). It removes the importance of his hard work in the equation. It makes it so that this is no longer something he earned for himself, but rather something that was a Given, since he is, of course, Ashura's reincarnation.

Cheap. It's cheap. And I don't like it.

Then we get into Sasuke being the reincarnation of Indra. Which I haven't gotten to that yet in the show, but I know from seeing it around. I do enjoy the sun and moon aesthetic between Naruto and Sasuke (so SO much, in fact), but. Making Sasuke the reincarnation of the Other son of the Sage of Six Paths is... frustrating? In several ways. There is of course the fact that Naruto and Sasuke have such extremely gay vibes (and Always Have), so making them the reincarnations of brothers so late in the story feels like an insult to anyone who reads their relationship in that way. Which to be fair, we do see Naruto mention at a few points that he thinks of Sasuke like a brother, but it's only a few points + feels like a kind of narrative cop-out. Sasuke himself said he doesn't think of Naruto in that way (though that could also be his self-denial speaking & it could change. Haven't gotten that far yet.), & I think there are much better choices for Naruto's "brother" figure (primarily Iruka, but people like Killer Bee and any of the other konoha 12 would be fitting too). Personally, it feels like Naruto was trying to put a name to his very strong feelings for Sasuke, & since he doesn't realize being gay is an option (since Kishimoto is clearly homophobic & made this ninja society to reflect that), he settled on Brother. But Sasuke is like "what the fuck? No, my only brother is Itachi." Instead, Sasuke has called Naruto his best friend. Which also doesn't fully encompass their relationship, but it's still closer than Brother.

So here we are, Kishimoto saying around 555 episodes into the plot (only 80 more to go) that they're actually the reincarnations of brothers. And not just any brothers. THE sons of the Sage of Six Paths. Incredibly influential, incredibly powerful, two sides of the same coin and very historically significant figures. Sasuke always had the "descended from an elite, yet disgraced clan" thing going for him, so in my opinion it doesn't hold the same kind of insult to his story that it does for Naruto. But it still feels like an insult to THEIR story.

Naruto and Sasuke were just two orphan boys. Their moms were best friends, but they didn't know that. They died when they were too young. But Naruto and Sasuke still gravitated towards one another. Understood each other like no one else. And got on each other's nerves like no one else. But that irritation stemmed from their genuine admiration of each other. They wanted to be able to beat each other. They became Rivals. And it was on their own terms. No one else pushed them together. Outside of them ending up on the same team, their entire relationship was fueled by their recognition of one another, Jealousy of one another, and the simple enjoyment of being around one another. They were the ones to decide the importance of their relationship. Sasuke recognizing Naruto as his closest friend & thus thinking he was the one he had to cut off to achieve power, and Naruto recognizing Sasuke as his first peer that acknowledged him, a precious bond he finally made, and thus someone he had to cling to FIERCELY. That was all them.

But here we are. They're a reincarnated set. The sun and the moon, but Officially. One could say soulmates in a way, in a non-romantic kind of context (considering the first iteration was a pair of brothers). While this is cool from a story standpoint, it really takes some significance away from their relationship to me. It makes it less of something they chose for themselves and more of a given. Pretty much just like Naruto being Ashura's reincarnation cheapens his own story, it cheapens their relationship too.

I dont want a story about two boys who were destined to be important to each other!!!! I want a story about two orphans who just happened to become important to one another thru a series of coincidences and personal choices. In that way, their relationship gains greater gravity bc it's born from their own hearts Alone. It's Naruto moving mountains for the sake of this boy he loves, and it's Sasuke finally coming back around bc of the force of Naruto's dedication. It means so much more than the implication that they were always meant to be a pair. So I really don't like this narrative choice.