#i dont feel like i could be vunerable there and around people in my life

[theladybrownstarot]

How's the personality of your future spouse ?

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✧ Make sure you like/reblogg/Comment and follow more pacs like these !

Pick-A-Pile : here's a new pick card reading for you all ! So close your eyes and breathe in and out then choose pile(s) attracting you most . This is a general reading so it may resonate and not , my readings are not the universal truth so make your decisions wisely 🩷

Pile 1 / Pile 2 / Pile 3 ~

✧ Pile 1

Namaste pile 1 ! Let's begin with your reading:

Right off the bat - feminine kind of person . They are someone who is very hopeful and determined in life , no matter how Many hardship They face they always stand again and follow to what they are always being called too . This person is really charismatic wether male or female they have this masculine energy in them when it comes to leading people and helping them, they had be someone who will not leave any person till the end but because of their genuine nature people at times take advantage of them. They are someone who will listen to all and learn from all but they will listen to themselves at last and introspect deeply to what they want to take ahead in life with them in their energy . Their voice is really sweet and honey like , Infact their personality too but mostly their voice . They maybe animal lovers too also have special bond with animals . This person has this healing touch to their personality and vibe that people come to them when In need , this person is emotionally very strong and experienced also matured than their age .

This person could have family related trauma too or their family is the greatest teacher and support, also this person is a family person or would love to have a family with you. They are believers for sure, no matter what happens they will follow and belive to what they feel called to help them up from their situation . They are visionary and have high goals also standards . They are also a good luck for themselves and others too fulfilling life with optimism and happiness .

✧ Keyword and Extra messages : hope , visionary, water sign - rising or moon , family , saturn/jupiter in 9th/8th house , pastries, sweet voice , animals ,vet , travel , plane , pilot, mars and ketu, threater - dramatic .

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✧ Pile 2

Namaste pile 2 ! Let's begin with your reading

I got two words first- indigo and Rainbow for them. They are someone jolly and happy go around type of person yet they are someone who will have this mystery inside no matter how you assure yourself that they are known to you very much. There's something surprising to them, and they reveal this small surprises about themselves in right situations only . They are quite shy and anxious too in general. They are cunning too , no matter how much you plan behind their back they will always know about it advance and back attack before you will even make a move leaving you in wonder and disbelief. They are chilled or have nonchalant attitude when it comes to their work , he/she's like - "aah I man I got it no worries at all". They are also cut throat when it comes to expressing opinions about someone , they don't sugarcoat at all . This is person is also into lots of self care and self love that's why they got themselves Pretty amazing in their life going with the flow. They value emotions a lot so of others too , this won't disrespect or disregard someone no matter even it's an enemy expressing their vunerable side or also in general because their morals are high so also they are quite a person with manners too . People might not approach this person because of their attitude but that doesn't mean they are bad ,they are just themselves .

They are intuitive , could be psychics too or have interest in occult sciences. They value their family a lot , also dont ever disrespect them emotionally because they are not attached kind of person ; the moment you disrespect , the moment they will leave you forever hence quite a person with boundaries . They will live their life purpose for sure so at times it's possible that they may not be available some time but otherwise they will be and are . Even they aren't there physically remember he/she will or knows what's going on with you and Will love and support you from far never making you feel alone or unloved .

✧ key words and extra messages : psychic , silent , lone/alone wolf , direct , honest , ketu in 11th house, sun in 10th house, mysterious , Venus in fifth/fourth house with Mars conjuction possibly , spiritual.

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✧ Pile 3

Namaste pile 3 ! Let's begin with your reading

Your future spouse's personality is quite vampirish , I must say . There's this aggression and passion mix in them which flows in their pain . They will be someone who will not show their anger directly rather they will Suck out the person's soul through an interesting way . Next , I sense is that this person is really balanced - emotional and practical doesn't need a lot of time to rebalance , they are really clear about their approach and action. Theirs this sharpness and hotness in them that makes them Hella attractive which is quite mix with bad boy attitude but same something more sweet equally mixed , their personality is quite addictive. They are also grounded and humble being on this earth who is ready to make anyone happy and entertained . I sense that they are also quite flirty and enjoy every moment of their life , compassionate kind of person one can say. They are like a gentleman at first impression because of their approach . I cannot deny if they are in "rom-com" alot because I sense it so much here , they are quite a Day dreamer for sure.

This person is a nature love and loves being In fantasy, when someone meets them for sure someone will think if this person is a character from a book ? Why so because they are like someone who is rare and precious to find. They will be a kind of person who is sole beliver of "free will", he/she doesn't want to be bounded to anything so they quite can be irresponsible at times . They could also be good singers or could play instruments too. He or she is always ready for a new adventure in life.So if you ever think that your life has ended , they will be the first one to make you more hopeful and motivated .

✧ Keyboards and extra messages : ice cream , 5th house and 11th house synastry , free will , hot and cold, addictive personality , bad boy mix , scorpio ascendant or mars in scorpio , gentleman , casino, piano, Venus in 11th house, grounded and emotional.

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©️ @theladybrownstarot 2023 all rights reserved. Any stealing or copying of work will be a punishable offence.

[unsettled-part]

“Can I be softer? More affectionate? I cried real tears out of habit, because I am so used to letting things go even though they don't have to go; despite the fact that they could have been held: longer, tighter, or otherwise forever. Can I remain soft while knowing what I've done is all I tried to be and failed, while all the things I didn't do when I knew I should have, are what I will never become? Shall I weep for that, or pat my shoulders and stop turning corners, as I always do to try and escape something I can't even name? All of that just so that I don't have to look myself in the eyes. Facing myself firmly, the past that doesn't exist anymore, the me that I have hidden from myself and others to not feel even more alienated and vulnerable, the present that is more kind to me than I am to myself, the future that looks like it will always be a burden to go through if I take one step towards it instead of always taking steps back, on purpose, harshly and abruptly. In my head I am not scared of trying to be. Kinder or softer, it doesn't matter what I see, but I still want to become. I hope I can show a side of me I have hidden out of habit, out of fear that something I don't recognise as myself will come out of me and ruin things. But I am writing this right now; maybe I can't look at myself but I can express the thoughts swarming in my head with words people wouldn't recognise as mine. Therefore I think what I fear is being buried alive by people that might disagree when I step closer to the mirror and notice myself standing there. Softer or not, I am here. Kinder and more affectionate or not, I feel life surrounding me after not being able to feel anything for a long time. It has to be enough for now.”

[roguesnezblog]

Trigger warning - Vent stuff (Suicide, bullying etc.) I am not feeling great. And I'm going to censor everything below if you don't want to read. But this post I wanted to make, one, for my own benefit. mentally, but I also feel like people who are in the same position as me could use an understanding ear. So...

Feeling real horrible. Like I shouldn't exist. To put it bluntly. Making the rounds of depression again. I want to type this out here and will most likely delete this later because being vunerable on the internet is not exactly, sometimes, met with anything good.

I won't go into detail on as to why either, since opening up about things you've done is usually weaponized online too. But lets say this: I have been made to feel, in some online spaces, that, My existance and presense should be eradicated.

I have been treated this way by these people for years. Over 5 years now. I had been bullied, and called horrible things, been witch hunted all the works that online crap can bring. And most people are in agreement, I should get over it by now. Who scares if a few people don't like you, don't want you around them? They have a right to believe that, and it's not like I didn't deserve it.

And I suppose in truth a part of me agrees. I dont expect approval, nor do I expect to be liked, a part of me rationally knows this. Not everyone online is going to be on a sympathetic understanding side of things.

But another part of me creeps back. You see, during this time, when people turned on me violently, for mistakes I've made and regret, I got low. Real low. Suicide low. I figured I was diplorable. Unforgivable. Disgusting. I felt like I should be punished. I did. Yanno. Self harm. A lot.

I figured the world would be better. Easier, if I wasn't in it. They made me believe this.

But I was always in conflict with reality. You see online isn't really half of my life. I have good parents, not perfect, but good. And a family who cares about me, and deep down, I knew if I was gone, if anyone, they would suffer for it.

So ...Suicide wasn't really an option. Not properly.

I had no choice but to endure lots of inflammatory comments, being excluded, distanced, the community (not this one) I wanted to feel a part of, and enjoy a love of drawing was...cruel.

I could rant more about what they did. How much they alienated and hurted me, broke down my character and warped me into this...percieved monster. But theres no point. And yanno I don't want to get into details like I said.

But a part of me still thinks that Im not a victim here. That I deserve it.

It's the rest that feels inconsolable. I don't want to die. I don't want to feel like thats the only option for me. To be erased. And think how much easier it would be for everyone else that I didn't exist.

But I want to be a kind person. I don't want to make people uncomfortable with my presense, or existance.

I shouldn't spare mercy to people who don't care. I know...But it's hard not to think when for your entire life you've been messed up.

Im pretty sure being some kinda autistic or at least neurodivergant doesn't help...(I haven't got diagnosed yet. Being a part of british NHS sucks. It would take me 5 years to get someone to see me. So they told me, and I'm considering private, but that costs 2,000 pounds and...Im scared honestly)

Anyway.

This feeling is often met with apathy, or "just don't think about it" by friends and family, who know somewhat about all this.

But it's hard.

It's heavy.

I just wish forgiveness could be an option. The mistakes I made, I learned from, and have never done again. But it's not enough.

It feels like this unending maw, gaping and cavernous. Swallowing me whole until it leaves nothing but that mistake left. They make it me. It's all I am. My identity. I am a literal monster to them. Something to fear like a boogeyman.

Not a dumb young adult who had no idea what they were doing.

I am nearly 30 now. I regret being stupid. Not knowing things, being ignorant and not just....being more calm at the time, but when people jump on you, you panic.

I have dug this hole. I know that... but it feels like I was forced to.

And the prolonged suffering, it's just....

I was happy for a time. You know? The fear and guilt lifted about a year ago for a while. When I found people who appriecate me, who care and want me around in that community, My confidence for a while was up. And I felt like I COULD exist. Live again, and be in spaces without feeling like I was a leech. I was happy and even talked to people in calls. I didn't have nightmares and I didn't feel like I needed to quit my freelance work.

There was...a couple of incidents, where I let my confidence blind me, approached people who haven't forgiven me, and told me to fuck off.

Which I did, to be fair...like I say: I don't have to be friends with everyone.

But...recently, the community pool has gotten thin. Drama happened (not to do with me, thank fuck, I couldn't deal with that stress I feel terrible for the people who have to endure it.) and spaces that were safe have been deleted. And the people who scorn me are now making a new space for them to pool into.

I've been excluded from that space.

That doesn't bother me, I have friends who will remain by my side. And this kinda happens everyone 6 months or so that people move spaces. But-

It's gut wrenching, to feel safe and forgiven. And then to be reminded that no, infact; You can't escape.

My friends will stay in spaces I feel safe in. And I know really- I'm not gonna loose much. But to be reminded that your existance would rather be purged? It's...not a fun feeling. Not to feel especially due to the struggles I've been facing and facing hard these past few months.

I suppose by writing all this, and saying all this, I just can't help but wonder in this mind space...Is it me? My fault? My brain is the one doing this...I am jumping from: Oh people I don't even like don't want me around? Better go die.

I made the mistake in the end....And this is my punishment. My torment for making a mistake.

It's ridiculous really...I shouldn't be feeling this way. But yet I am....I feel hopeless, empty. Sullen. Like theres no point, like all I feel and have been doing to grow, and move on....it doesn't matter. Because nothing changes.

I'm not sure exactly why Im writing this, or why Im even sharing these feelings, perhaps I just want people to talk to. Much as I love my friends, they get uncomfy talking like this... They can be dismissive and they don't really want to find a solution or confront it. I am just told to "forget it" and such. As I said before. But it doesn't help you know?

Putting this out there, it may make it worse...Which honestly; I fear. People online can look at something like this and use it to try make you worse, or kill yourself. Like....some people really just...get a kick out of making you feel like crap.

Im sure this is a sentiment that a lot of people, a lot of you, understand. It's cruel. Bullying and....I wish it would go away, not just for me, but for all of us....But I also hope a part of this can....maybe help someone?

That...something like this, isn't unusual....(unfortunately) and that some of you out there have been through the same thing...or are currently going through the same thing. And if thats the case...As someone who is feeling it at the current moment I want to say this to you:

You matter. You deserve to exist. You CAN live. And ...so long as you learn from your mistakes...That doesn't make you an evil, or even just a bad, person. You're a good person. You're a good person if you want to be better.

And....for you. I will keep this in mind for myself too. I fucked up. Maybe you did too...But we can be fuck ups together.

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I am not ok, but I think I will be. Admittedly, I could just not post this, but I think theres some value somewhere in this rant. I think it should be heard by some.

[claire-willz]

I want you to know the number you did on me. I want you to know how badly you fucked me up. I can lie through my teeth and say how over you i am, and how i'm doing good now and I'm in a better mental state and whatever the fuck. I mean I think i am? I'm not 15 and self harming and shit anymore, I don't do the same shit I did back then. I don't know if I'm in a better mental state, or if I've literally just grown up. You fucking broke me. You broke my spirit, you broke my soul.You were so fucking mean to me, I still, 8 years later have your voice in my head mocking everything I do, including writing this bullshit. You fucking ruined me. My life and who I am would have been so different if I had never met you. I mean fuck, i was so desperate to get over you I started sleeping around with anyone who would give me the time of day, which eventually lead me to be a prositute because i thought 'i do it anyway but for free, why not get paid for it?'. In this whatever post I plan to be as vunerable as i can be, and in that, I feel like I'm worth fuck all because I was a prostitute. Because of you. 8 years later and saying your name feels like I'm spitting fire, my stomach turns and i get this rush of emotions, love, hate, heartbreak, guilt.. 6 years ago, I tried to take my own life. I remember thinking how when it worked you would say 'well she was actually strong enough to do it, never thought she would'. But It didnt so.. 5 years ago, I had the biggest depression breakdown to date which cost me not one but two hospital admissions in the space of 24 hours, and I remeber worrying that you would find out because I wanted you to know I had changed even though we hadn't spoken in 2 and a half years. I was depressed, the pressure that you still put over me to be everything i never was that you wanted collapsed me i suppose. Mix that with me trying to be a better person for you and never feeling like it was enough because you fucking hate me and honestly, i see myself the way you do, or did, been too long now, maybe after 8 years you changed your mind? just in case you came back, just in case. I don't remember the sound of your voice, I barely remember what you look like. I don't remember your likes and dislikes, I don't remember your traits and hobbies, But i remember how you made me feel. And I know, because ive been telling myself for years that i need to forgive you, and I think i have, But if i really had, I wouldn't be writing this, so i don't know. Everything I did to the drugs I smoked, the alochol I drank, the people I considered friends and the men i slept with was all to get over you, and in return... I got cripping anxiety as a result from all of it. My psychologists says that to me, you represented everything i wanted at the time even if it wasn't who you were. You represented the love i wanted from my dad, you represented a happy life, you represented acceptance and approval, stability, just everything I didn't have and never did have that subconsiously I always wanted.. and yes, you did put me into therapy, not soley you, but you did. You're right, I am crazy, and i blame you for it, you made me crazy then got mad when I was. But what i wanna know, is how the FUCK do i fix this mess you made, they say time heals all wounds but i disagree, a shitload of water has run under the bridge, every single cell in my body has changed, but the time hasn't healed the wounds its caused a huge infection, the water running under the bridge has stopped running and turned into a lake, the cells in my body still crave you and still yearn for your smell and the sound of your voice saying 'stress less baby'. If i could still remember, it would ring in my ears, but its hard too when your voice is basically forgotten in my memory. I don't know how to get over you, I've tried literally everything. Hypnotism, medication, drugs, alochol, sex (and alot of it), I've tried dating other guys,I've written you letters and burnt them,Ive talked about you in depth to that many fucking people its embarrasing, yet I'm still here. Saturday night and i'm still missing the absolute shit out of you and I'm still hurt over you, stalking any only tumblr profile that has even the hint of your existence then feeling my stomach turn when i remember how it felt when you did the things you did to me. Its like its october 2012 all over again, it feels the exact fucking same and I don't know why. I hate it, I wish it could stop but I really am convinced that I never will. I won't get over you, the damange you did won't heal. I hate you, I hate you so much it literally lets my skin aflame, but I would do absolutely anything to have you back in my life. I don't think I'll get this happy ever after I've been dreaming of, I don't think I'll find someone and get married. I wish you never existed, because this isnt normal. The feelings and everything i go through daily still isn't normal. And i wish it wasn't like this. 24/7 you're torturing me. And i mean youre happy now, you have a wife and a kid, you moved on so long ago I'd be suprised if you ever remembered me. You won't ever read this, and i hope you don't. Maybe this is just another lame attempt to get over you, it won't work, but helps the pain for a little while. Being completly vunerable and honest in a 'letter' isn't something ive done yet. The rest that i wrote were all bullshit on how i forgive you and how i dont love you anymore and how i am doing so much better than you ever thought possible and blah blah blah. All lies, they feel real at the time and maybe they are, but when its moments like these that are so fucking raw the truth just comes out and i'm here, thinking of you and hating everything thats happened. I see my life and three sections, before you, during you, and after you. Before you life was easy, during you.. life was amazing and intense and extreme, after you is pain and denial. Its embarrasment and sadness. Evens bandaids fall off, even stitches get infected. Open wounds sometimes stay open. And its your fault. Maybe if you did come back life would get easier for me, maybe i wouldn't hear your voice, maybe I would go crazy on you again. I know i did awful things to you, but were they that awful? I did them because i was hurt, but you did worse too, and you never owned up to it, and yet youre still the victim in my eyes, even though you moved on and you don't feel the way i feel. I am the victim here, not you and fuck you for thinking that, fuck me for thinking that, I'm just as bad for viewing you that way, I could probably choose not too, but its so embedded into my subconsious i don't see any other way to view you. Because i hate you like you were the bad guy, and love you like you were the victim. It would have been easier if you died, not gonna lie about that. If you had died, my life would be easier. I don't mean that as 'i wish you were dead', but i mean that if you hadnt of left my by choice, it would probbaly be easier to deal with. I know ive changed as a person, i made alot of mistakes and i grew up and grew from them which is something every single person has done and yet i feel your judgement in the harshest way for every single one of them. I carry the guilt for the things that i did as if i did them to you, the one i cared/care about most. I don't know how well this explains everything within me ranting about shit and whatever, but i tried.

[melto]

//

ok for the past few hours ive been able to like...actually let myself think without panicking  and stuff. but i think i really need to address the effect of unpacking my csa stuff is having on me right now. like yes ive always had a really bad relationship with the concept of guilt especially around relationships, but its extremely amplified from actually having to think about it. i dont really know how to take care of myself when its something i have been refusing to even think about since it happened. and this is only from vaguely bringing it to mention. im having a hard time separating my usual issues that i have been able to control and work on with all this stuff that feels knew. i dont know how to rationalize with it anymore because its so fowl and challenging it means i have to admit what happened to me.

its completely warping my view of myself so ive been backtracking in everything it feels like ive created these loops that just feed off each other and then i get too overwhelmed with it plus the just general bumps in my day to day life. usually when i fall back into disordered eating stuff, its on accident and its pretty easy to get myself back on track...and i think realizing that right now its not just a natural slip of oh i didnt eat a lot today so the next day my body is like wig dude but rather i am actively choosing not to eat even though im hungry because i want to control since everything seems so out of my hands right now and i feel helpless. i dont do good with not being busy all the time, and while i know that overworking myself isnt healthy it was the way i was getting through the days while i figured other stuff out. but now i do nothing all day and i cant focus and breathe or relax. the feeling of disconnect between me and everyone in my life is intensified and ive lost track of the very small amount of sense of self i had that its hard for me to talk with the few people that i did feel connected to because i dont.....ugh. im never good at explaining this stuff but the lack of roles in my life by doing things has made me feel like a shell of a person and like im empty with nothing to offer even more than before so i just. sit here. i was starting to get ok at being vunerable but now i dont know how to actually reach out again and for some reason ive managed to convinced myself yet again that i actually cant be vunerable bc its selfish and others need me to support them and honestly it had been feeling like no one even actually cared about my wellbeing when i did so i just reverted back into this weird complex. i know people dont only care about me to that if i do end up dead they dont have to feel guilty for not trying. i know its not true but it feels like it a lot.

the situation at work isnt helping with that either. i literally.....dont want to talk about that right now. ive had to think about it so much recently bc a full time staff is working on the stuff with me bc its gotten so bad...but god between that and just in general i feel so like. seen and stared at but never heard. its so frustrating but sometimes i dont think i’d listen to me either.

 its so much easier right now to just feel bad and suffer so i dont have to think about anything. but its not fair to the people around me or myself to be like that. i know i can do better and get better. and i know recovery isnt like just an easy thing and it will always have ups and downs and its a lifelong thing...

i want to be good for myself and everyone i come across. i want to grown and heal and i want to be content and maybe even happy. im usually good at being positive and hopeful but i guess ive been losing it a bit...i’d like to have it back. sure when i was up and not in the place i am presently i still had issues. i still didnt have a solid sense of myself and i still felt like i couldnt connect with people and my paranoia would get so bad that i would have meltdowns in the street thinking a mailbox is a man. i still was all fucked up from the way i was abused and rejected by family and my memory has always been so spotty that its frustrating for everyone.

but at least i hadnt let it take away the kindness or whatever. maybe im being too critical of myself. but it was something i could count on to have for myself and others. i want to start working to have it play a major role in my life again. it made me feel good, even when i wasnt in a good head place. i dont want to die no matter how much i convince myself i do. ive tried to write goodbye letters, ive sat with my meds in my hands and i just...cant. i think i want to be alive, truly. and not just out of obligation. even if thats how ive kept myself until now before.

so i think im gonna...try to figure out a better plan to take care of myself during this. like sit down and write it out and set it up so i can work to get back to the place i was and then grow from there. i’ll be good, i will...

[twotales-lore]

The Research of "Corruption": A Firsthand Account of the Corruption Sickness

Hello! My name is A/\/\ and just recently, I've been assigned to research corruption in attempts of hindering and deatroying it. However, my attention is avwrted from that, for on accounts of unfortunate events, I was removed from the cause of a physical wound that started to turn black, so while i await what happens to me, i might as well put my studies out for anyone else who gets this situation.

Day 1:

First day of study. the injury seems to be a compmetely unique one, as when I was looking up any illnesses involving such a thing, there was none listed, or at least, commonly listed. The thought of this being something from a worse disease is in the back of my head. However, when doctors diagnosed me when my coworkers noticed it, they couldnt trace a disease to itband thought it was some serious injury, yet the body part functions completely fine. Very odd, but i will continue studying my behavior and the wound.

Day 7:

Ive started experiencing more frequent headaches upon doing my daily activities. I first thought itbwas probably because i git so focused into reading my books again that I gave myself a headache, but i never experienced it this much. I've also twitched a little bit time to time in my arms, once again thinking its just from writing a lot as usual.

Day 13:

The twitching was definitely a symptom from whatever this wound is doing to me, as I've been twitching a bit more often and in different areas of my body. I also have find myself out of focus quite a few times. Very strange since I'm always focused on things.

Day 20:

My limbs are starting to feel strained and I now find muself at options of getting some meducal help now before I get worse. I feel as if the energy in my limbs are draining away each day and it slowly gets deeper into my body. I find myself more vulnerable to cold things since my body has also lost quite an unsettling amount of weight since my limbs have been feeling like this, so I keep a small heater on around me when idle.

Day 30:

About a month has passed since my studies. I'm starting to feel more tired even though I get plenty of sleep. The wound has started to spread a little. I tried contacting people for help, but no one knows exactly how to treat this other than giving me medicine for getting an energy boost so I can feel more energized when I wake up. They seem to work for now and the symptoms have slowed for now.

Day 45:

...Im hearing a few voices at this point and I don't know if im losing sanity or not. I'm in fear that I am, and i try my best to ignore them, but some keep pushing me past the ignorance. I can't focus much on other things anymore and i feel miserable. My coldness vunerability is to the point where i walk around my home carrying a blanket since i dont have many warming clothes. I really wish there was proper treatment for this.....

Day 55:

...He's coming for me, and that wound, that mark, was a sign. it slowly spreaded to the point if reaching my heart and its now creeping up to my neck. He knew about me for a while and his view was that He deemed me a "worthy person" and decided to mark me down. I dont know if its just my imagination or not, and im very unsettled by it. I am starting to feel less vulnerable to outside conditions and the strain on me has died down, either by some mercy or my body adapting to running on low energy. However, my mind runs frantic at times, I twitch quite a lot at times, and if I overthink, I get a bad headache. People have noticed my behavior and I overheard one saying I might be going crazy...

Day 64:

He's reached my neck. I feel vulnerable as it feels strained and cold. Im shivering at times and curled up in a blanket to shake the deeling away. His voice has been reaching out to persuade me. I've never been more scared of this than ever before. His mark has started to crawl up the back of my head and my heart has also felt the mark's chill, but its not as bad as at the neck. I can't get help now, as my legs shake under my body when I move around without somethibg to keep me warm, and I can't juat walk around town with a blanket wrapped tightly around me. It wont be long until i cant bear it...

Day 68:

Ive finally gave in and listened to his voice in return for no more feelings of undearable coldness at my heart and neck. He's been startibg to change my thoughts, my body, and my reality. He's been starting to tell me everyone else without the mark was unworthy and that i was a lucky person. Maybe I was. This voice could hace been a humanity destroying demon for all i know, or it could all just be my mind, but i couldnt tell. He soon shifted my mind to new thoughts. This doesnt seem to affect my daily activities, so I dont feel too bad about having a completely new view on life.

Day 72:

My body has started shifting to a new form that happens in my distress. He has occasionally made me distressed to see how this form adapts. He soon stopped doing it, seeming satisfied with the results. I still am myself, but at the same time, two people. It's.....its kind of hard to explain but that's my theory on what's happening...

Day 74:

I was wrong. Ive started feeling more emotionally unstable, and its from his reason. I find myself in my tracks at times stalking people, as if to murder. Im not even sure what I am even doing from the adaptations ove experienced in almost 3 months. The mark has now inhabitated around my heart and chest, my neck, and my left eye socket (lost the eye in an incident). Occasionally when i feel negatove emotion, the mark chills me to the bone, sending me down and searching for anything to keep me warm and to make the shivering stop. I feel like as if I started relying more on the primal instincts that are still buried deep within us........

Day 77:

I can still remain in my normal "form" at will, but ive started thinking in favor to his words. He has given me mercy, thankful mercy, as he has killed the less fortunate through me, or as i say it, punished. He said these people were the ones tainting the world, and i have to admit, they most likely were. Ive observed them to be quite sinful or evil beings. I can sense their wrongdoings on the inside.....

I can feel my insides converting

My blood thickening and changing

My stomach and intestines morphing to other uses

My chest being filled a bit more with a mechanism of use for "marking down" or "punishing"

It doesn't hurt but it does fill the empty space there.

Day ###:

He is a God

a God worth worshipping

a god who has opened my eyes

through the many trials I have endured

I have finally rose up and bevame one of his luckiest

one of his more reliable followers

He has saved me from a worse demise

He is the one worship i care of

For he has made me stronger and more adaptable with the fellow beings of his loyalty.

He says one day

when his voice quiets down.....

I'll be the next in line.

[howiend]

ship study: corey / rachael      i just, i want to understand. why did you stay? you say you knew it wasn’t real, you weren’t happy, you did things you didn’t want to, but for what? why did you stay? this question isn’t something that i haven’t heard, multiple times, by multiple people. friends, family, my closest confidants and they all look so fucking disappointed when i say ‘i don’t know’. they say that it’s okay not to know, that it’s okay to be confused by it, but i call bullshit. everyone wants an answer to an irrational question, because honestly — i have no idea how to describe what happened with corey. i have no idea why i stayed with a man who verbally and physically assaulted me, controlled my life, what i wore, what i ate, where i went — who i spoke to. he controlled where i lived, my paycheck; he was always there with the answers or the credit card. he was always there whispering the right words to keep me hanging off the edge, just enough. not enough to die, but not enough to live. i just survived; that’s all i did. i think i broke when i found out about her — about. . i can’t even mention her name. i think that is when i broke. that is when i shattered. i remember every single second of that day; the pain i had to hide to make it to the next minute. i truly think that’s when i broke as a person. i wasn’t the same after i found out the truth, because i realized that everything we had — everything that we’d built together wasn’t real. no matter how many times he said it, i knew i was never going to be forever. i would either leave, or .. or i would die there. i never accepted the idea of me leaving and what i would do. . how i would recover. how do you return back to that world after you’ve been stuck in a basement for years? how do i return back to normal? it makes me feel crazy as i cry, trying to understand how i’m supposed to continue on when i left my entire life. just dropped it on the ground and walked away. from everything i’d worked for — everything that had led up to that moment. a decade, wasted. no no not wasted; i can’t let him have that. but that’s how it feels. i think that is when i lost control and really began to shut off from the world because it easier than trying to explain why i wanted to die every second of every day. the reason i was so unhappy, so numb to the situation around me — craving anything that would make me feel anything. any attention, any love i could get from you — i took it like an addict because it was all i had to survive, to live. it was lifeline as i’d been cut off from the real world. i dont expect any one to understand what it was like, what it is like; i battle those demons everyday, those bad habits i built to continue to make it another die. and when i was out of that environment, i had no idea what to do, where to go. i was so lost. so i clung to the pain and drown myself in sorrow and desperation to find something that made sense — that gave me purpose, but nothing and nowhere felt home. it was as if i lost myself, and lived inside his skin with him, as him, for those missing years. it is like rachael ceased to exist. but with him gone, i’m just wandering around, looking for a reason.that’s the saddest thing: i stayed with an abusive man because i needed a purpose to stay alive. talk about fucked up, right? what a wicked game to play.                                ( - i don't want to be vunerable )

[tumblunni]

Oh god this article is so long and just keeps getting scarier what the fuck They RELEASED THE SECOND ATTEMPTED MURDERER WHO WASNT SCHIZOPHRENIC?? We like.. don’t even have any details on her cos she only got three years and is long gone?? SHE LITERALLY GOT RELEASED ON THE INSANITY DEFENSE DESPITE HAVING NO MENTAL ILLNESS The court painted the schizophrenic girl as the ringleader because of her schizophrenia and gave the neurotypical girl an ‘insane by proxy’ not guilty verdict cos oooo she must have just been manupulated by the scary mentally ill girl who THE COURT DECIDED WAS NOT MENTALLY ILL, WHILE RELEASING SOMEONE ELSE ON THE GROUNDS THAT SHE WAS MANIPULATED BY A MENTALLY ILL GIRL. How does the second verdict not void the first one??? And then she just got.. REPEATEDLY diagnosed with schizophrenia by SO MANY people and just kept getting sent to worse and worse adult prisons and denied parole??? she almost got raped by her roommate and she wasnt even coherant enough to explain what was happening to her parents, like fuck it was SO CLOSE! and the rapist also got off scot free and also got released because this girl who WASNT ABLE TO READ OR WRITE OR RECOGNISE HER PARENTS’S FACES ANYMORE was deemed to be capable of making up a complex story about sexual acts that she wouldnt have been able to understand even if she was a normal kid of that age... oh fucking GOD... and on top of everything else they wouldnt let her have her GLASSES in prison?? this girl who was hallucinating got treatment that limited her vision?? HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO.. GOD.. CHRIST... NO WONDER SHE TRIED TO KILL HERSELF! and oh goddddd it says that she got to see a psychologist once FINALLY after all these years for just ONE WEEKEND before the courts dragged her back out of there and locked her up in the same prison she finally got medication and it says that in her one therapy session they explained to her what she did and she was finally able to understand it and she hated herself and then she was thrown back into her hallucinations with no help ever again fuck fuck fuck FUCK

oh fucking god thank you oh fuck it does end with saying she’s in a hospital now oh fuck oh god i was expecting this to end on just that note and for me to scream eternally at how the artcle has no information on how to donate to this family dear GOD she’s at a hospital oh fucking god but the trauma of all those years has still left her shattered and her progress is slow, apparantly :( god i wish i heard about this earlier and i could have donated to the family oh god imagine if she’d been able to get this treatment earlier oh god oh god and her mother is finally able to see her oh fuck thank god fuck it talks about her mother rushing against the traffic to not even be one minute late, always arriving early and having to sit shakily in the waiting room and then how neither of them even know what to say during these half-hour visits but the kid still freaks out so much seeing the clock tick down and just wants to sit there with her mum and hold hands in silence forever she just wants to get in the car and drive home and sleep in her own bed for the first time in so many years fuckkkkkkkk

“I can’t rescue who I want to rescue,” she acknowledged quietly. “So a kitten will have to do for now.” FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKK fuckkkk she saw a starving feral kitten on the drive to visit her daughter and ran around trying to find it again and take it to the vet just so she’d have one happy thing to tell her daughter FUCKKKKING HELLLLL

“ As we spoke that day, Angie spotted the kitten she’d come to save and cornered it. But then an adult cat emerged from the shadows and stepped protectively between them. The relationship between the two felines was clear. So, Angie returned to her car empty-handed. Sick or not, she thought, the kitten belonged with its mother. “ fuck you didnt have to end this article on some cheesy note like that, why the fuck are you doing this to me did that even actually happen or are you just trying to use journalistic metaphors to desperately make people sympathise with this poor child? cos seriously WHAT THE FUCK it is so disgusting that nobody has been giving her the barest shred of human rights, do we really have to resort to fucking kitten stories because nobody actually cares about a severely mentally ill child who has barely seen sunlight for three years due to a FUCKING LAW THAT TREATS TEN YEAR OLDS AS ADULTS

god i think im gonna puke why did i read this why is there no way i can help, oh goddd all the news every day is just more human rights atrocities i cant help with and i’m so scared im gonna either become desensitized or turn it all into wah wah what about me, feel sad for ME, wah wah i fucking feel like killing myself because i watched the news FUCKING. SHUT. UP. HEAD. thats not gonna solve anything thats not gonna make anything better oh goddd im really fucking lightheaded goddd why did i read this but i’d be a monster if i stuck my head in the sand and ignored horrible news cos i care more about myself than other people But GAHHH why cant I HELP?? i cant help either way??? where the fuck is the justice aaaarrgh all i can do is cry about these people so i feel like i have to do it, even if it doesnt help, even if it just makes me want to die god can i like.. rebalance the amount of sympathy in the world. can i somehow make the people who actually can help actually help by weeping all over my keyboard in a terrible fucking january fuck what the fuck goodness do i give back to the world, im just sitting here taking and taking and sponging off mental health government and making the world worse and FUCK how the fuck can i even say that while i’m crying ABOUT mentally ill people deserving treatment?? bunni’s shit brain: no u are the only one who doesnt deserve it in the world, somehow fuck i ‘m gonna go try and calm down fuckkkk so umm yeah warning dont read that article while you’re in a vunerable mental state but its really important to read cos like.. all i can do at least is be aware of the atrocities in the world and keep my eyes open for someday somehow where i can help.. i guess... god i think my life would actually be worth something if i could help someone else god i just want to die fuck fuck fuckkkk...

[fuwaprince]

i miss my abuser (ex gf) so fucking badly rn... so you have any tips how to make it stop? ; - ;

Okay bb I’ve been through that same deal way too many times because I also didn’t know what to do in that moment. I want you to sit down or lay down, get comfortable and seriously take this moment to clear your mind of all the positive aspects of that relationship and focus on how they fucked you over. Think about the abuse and the trauma and the added illnesses that came about because of them. Think about how fucking awful they are to other people and how they never stood up for you when you fucking needed them to. Think about how they objectify and dehumanize your fellow mlm friends like myself and how they’re a cowardly fuck that tries so desperately to hide behind 20+ Tumblr accounts and constantly changes up their image in attempt to fucking hide the shit that they’ve done to people. You don’t miss them. You DO NOT MISS THEM. You miss the good times and the feelings they gave you and that’s fair to say- don’t let the abuse ruin the good times. It’s okay to admit things were once good. But dont you dare fucking miss that bitch enough to go back or talk to her. She is a danger to your recovery and everyone around her and I honestly believe that. I have never understood why some people go out of their way to make others feel miserably and pry on the vunerable ones. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this rn bb. You deserve better than her. You deserve more than the awful treatment she gave you. You deserve to be loved and supported in every aspect of those words and not just partly when it’s convinient for someone else. You deserve real, genuine LOVE. Not this fake manipulative shit abusers will spit out to make you feel like you need them. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN HER. You will overcome these feelings and hopefully learn that you are better off without her. You have a beautiful gf now who holds you when youre sad and kisses you when you’re smiling! You even have tons of friends who support you and want you to be as healthy as you can possibly be now! None of us want you to go back to her disgusting grasp. Just think about the beautiful people in your life and all the new relationships you’ve made! Think about the little bird you saved!!! That bird wants good things to happen to you!! That bird wants you to live a happy life just like they are rn and it’s all thanks to you taking care of her while she was growing up!!! We’re here to take care of you now that same way!! We love you so much miu. I wish I could hold you when you think of scary things like this. You’ve made it so far without her and I am so proud of you. You’re recovering now and I couldn’t ask for more.

[tiredfangs]

The Age/Site Morality Rant: Why you should leave this hellsite while you still fucking can. (EPSECIALLY IF YOURE 14 AND UNDER OR AN EMOTIONALLY SENSITIVE, A NATURALLY IMMATURE, OR A VERY GULLIBLE/EASILY MANIPULATED PERSON. GO SEEK VALIDATION ELSEWHERE, PLEASE. THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT WEBSITE TO DO IT)

while making a post on how to deal with mental illnesses (which will be up soon) i got off topic and ranted abt tumblr so im gonna post it separately here

This [edit: ‘this’ referring to the mental illness post- not posted yet] is probably one of my final pieces of advice as a teenager to other teenagers and younger kids, who- quite frankly- need to get off this website if theyre not a teenager yet. 13+ to join tumblr dude, sorry.

HELL if it were up to me, id make this site 15-16+ AT THE YOUNGEST. Thats about the age where your mind stops being a blank whiteboard, free for anyone to write whatever they want on it, and where people typically become less gullibe and childhood naivete starts going away, its about the age where people start to think for themselves a lot more, formulating opinions and morals based on past experiences and the opinions of whatever friend circle theyre in, and, (if they arent horribly abusive) the ideals and wishes of their parents and how they raised their child.

IT REALLY SHOULD BE 18+ FOR THE SOLE FACT THAT THERES EASILY ACCESSIBLE PORNOGRAPHY ON THIS WEBSITE!!!!!! IM KIND OF A HYPOCRITE DUE TO ME BEING INTERESTED IN PORN AND SEX AT AROUND 11 YEARS OLD BUT STILL!!! Im not even going to mention tumblr’s broken ass safe search/ whatever the thing they made is where it auto-flags completely harmless posts as nsfw. IT SHOULDNT BE SO EASILY ACCESSIBLE, ESPECIALLY AS A MAJOR SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM WITH LOTS OF YOUNG KIDS!!! ESPECIALLY AS A MAJOR SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM WITH A LOT OF OLDER ADULTS LOOKING FOR YOUNG KIDS TO PREY ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY KNOW THAT TEENAGERS AND TWEENS FLOCK TO THIS WEBSITE AND THEY USE THAT TO THEIR ADVANTAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[THE FOLLOWING IS A FICTIONAL SCENARIO, PRESENTED TO GIVE YOU ALL AN EXAMPLE OF A MINOR HAVING EASY ACCESS TO NSFW CONTENT AND INVOLVING THEMSELVES IN THAT COMMUNITY- AS WELL AS AN IDEA OF HOW SERIOUS THIS ISSUE ACTUALLY IS AND HOW SEVERE THE REPERCUSSIONS CAN BE IF THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THESE KINDS OF THINGS ARE FOUND OUT- IN A COURT OF LAW, IT DOESNT MATTER IF THE ADULT IN THE SITUATION HAD NO CLUE THE MINOR WAS A MINOR, AND IT DOESNT MATTER THAT THEY WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVED THE MINOR WAS AN ADULT- ALBEIT A SOMEWHAT BELIEVABLE ONE. I WOULDNT BE TERRIBLY SURPRISED IF THIS HAS HAPPENED IN THE PAST]

IF A MINOR POSES AS AN ADULT AND COMMISSIONS AN ADULT ARTIST FOR NSFW ART OF THEIR FAVORITE CHARACTER OR WHATEVER, THE ARTIST COULD GET IN SUPER FUCKING SERIOUS TROUBLE!!!! LEGAL TROUBLE!! IF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED, THE ADULT ARTIST IN THIS SITUATION WOULD PROBABLY MOSTLY BE THE ONE AT FAULT, IF NOT THE MOST AT FAULT, THEN THE MOST HARSHLY PUNISHED OF THE TWO, AND WOULD HAVE TO FACE A COURT TRAIL AS WELL AS POTENTIALLY FACING JAILTIME OR HOUSE ARREST!!!!! THEYD PROBABLY BE LABELED AS A PEDOPHILE OR SOMETHING AKIN TO IT- THEYD PROBABLY HAVE TO PAY A LARGE FINE THAT THEY MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO AFFORD, DUE TO THIS GENERATION OF AMATEUR/ RISING ARTISTS BEING UNDERPAID AND STRUGGLING IN LIFE TO MAKE THEIR PASSION THEIR JOB!!!! THEY TRUSTED THEIR FOLLOWERS AND COMMISSIONERS AND WAS PROBABLY TOTALLY UNAWARE THAT THE COMMISSIONER WAS A MINOR, WHETHER IT BE BECAUSE THE ARTIST DIDNT DO A THOROUGH ENOUGH BACKGROUND CHECK, THE MINOR ‘SEEMED’ LIKE THEY WERE OVER 18 DUE TO SPEECH PATTERNS OR LEVEL OF MATURITY, OR IF THE MINOR WAS VERY KEEN ABOUT CONCEALING THEIR TRUE IDENTITY AND AGE, CONSTRUCTING A FAKE BUT BELIEVABLE PROFILE!!! THE ARTIST WOULDVE PROBABLY THOUGHT THAT THE MINOR WAS AN ADULT DUE TO THE MINOR HAVING A PAYPAL OR SOMETHING OF THE SORTS!!! WHICH YOU HAVE TO BE 18 FOR!!! THE ARTIST IN THIS SITUATION WOULD PROBABLY BE SUPER CAUTIOUS ABOUT SELLING NSFW ART AFTER EVERYTHING GETS DEALT WITH LEGALLY, MAYBE CEASING NSFW COMMISSIONS ENTIRELY. IT COULD BE AS BAD AS THE ARTSIT QUITS DOING ART ENTIRELY- PROBABLY AN IMPORTANT PASSION IN THEIR LIFE, OR AT LEAST A WAY TO PAY THE BILLS/ PAY FOR SIMPLE DEMANDS AND SMALL LUXURIES IN LIFE DUE TO COMMISSIONS BEING UNDER-PRICED IN THE AMATEUR ART WORLD- BECAUSE OF THE SITUATION!!! THE ARTIST WOULD PROBABLY BE EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED DUE TO THE INCIDENT!!! IM NOT SAYING THAT THE MINOR WOULDNT BE EITHER, BUT THE LAW IS MUCH, MUCH HARSHER ON PEOPLE 18 AND OVER.

i dont care if you think youre mature enough, i dont even care if you ARE pretty mature for your age!! thats not the problem!! Its not because i dont think people under 13 arent mature, and its not because im a teenager that hates kids under 15 due to some kind of age-based superiority complex, and i dont think im a ‘cool kid’ because i advise younger folk to stay off most social media, and ESPECIALLY needless and overly-dramatic drama (which really just makes everyone involved feel worse than when they started out)- but because this website is FULL of toxic, horrible ideals and morals that horribly, HORRIBLY misrepresent what the real, outside world is like. young minds will take this as the absolute truth, just because theyre presented as the absolute and only truth, and these twisted views and ways of life will eventually and ultimately screw you the FUCK over if you carry them into the real world and try to presen them as truth and fact to someone who knows a lot more than you, is probably older than you, and bases their world views and base morals off of personal experiences and carefully constructed values that have shaped them as a person- NOT because they saw it on the internet and want it to be true/ is manuipulated into believing its true by this fucked up site. NOBODY IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD THINKS LIKE TUMBLR DOES- AND THE PEOPLE IN THE OUTISDE WORLD THAT DO THINK LIKE TUMBLR DOES, PROBABLY HAVE A TUMBLR!!!! PEOPLE ARENT GOING TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS AROUND YOU OR EVEN CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL OR THINK IN THE FIRST PLACE? YOURE NOT SPECIAL TO THEM AND YOURE NOT GOING TO GET SPECIAL TREATMENT BECAUSE YOURE GAY OR WHATEVER, THEYRE GOING TO TREAT YOU AS A HUMAN BEING WITH COMMON SENSE AND BASIC DECENCY!!!! IF YOU GET YOUR PANTIES IN A TWIST OVER SOMEONE NOT TREATING YOU LIKE THE SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE YOU THINK YOU ARE, OR UNINTENTIONALLY ‘TRIGGERING’ YOU, ITS FUCKNNG???? ITS FINE??? NOBODY CARES EXCEPT YOU AND YOU NEED TO LEARN TO UNCLENCH YOUR ASSCHEEKS AND LET GO OF THINGS.

Tumblr is a disgusting bastardizaton on how the world is, and how people should act. Stop looking at the world from your narrow tube of ignorance and refusal to listen to anybodys opinions other than your own and people like-minded to you. Yall have tried so hard to be loving and accepting to everyone, that youve BECOME the oppressors, only accepting a narrow range of people into your sick cult, pampering and conditioning them to how you want them to be and then dropping them off on a street corner when they start forming problems and morality issues because of your teachings. It took me YEARS to unlearn the toxic shit that tumblr shoved down my throat, and i took as fact, due to me being so young, vunerable, and gullible. 

The people on this website are absolutely horrible and theres a reason tumblr is considered one of the worst social media websites on the internet. The only reason im on here is because it provides a wide variety of art in all different mediums, and i like laughing at funny text posts. 

TLDR: if youre a young teenager or under 13, please leave this website before its too late. sincerely, a teenager that turns into an adult 4 days from now and kind of knows what theyre talking about from the 5 years they spent on this site.

[wishfulthinking29]

1-60

1. what's your favorite flower?

Sunflowers

2. what's your favorite color to wear?

Black! Bc it's slimming

3. what's your favorite scent of candle or essential oil?

Anything citrus. Citrus is an energizing smell. But I also love anything apple scented and most fall/winter scents.

4. what are three things you like about your physical appearance?

I think my eye color is pretty. I like my hands (kinda sorta, they're low-key man hands but it's okay) and Ive learned to like my legs again.

5. what are three things you like about your personality?

I like to think I'm a nice person. Sometimes I'm too nice but yeah. I'm very giving and caring too. I'm very loving too

6. do you like to wear makeup?

Not really. I like to rub my face and itch my face and makeup gets in the way of that lol

7. what are your favorite places to eat?

Fucking CHIPOTLE, any Chinese place ever lol, this Thai place across from my work, and I love Publix sandwiches sooo much

8. what's your favorite part of the day?

Going to sleep lol or around 3-4 am, it's so quiet and peaceful then

9. summer, spring, winter, or fall?

It's close between fall and winter but I gotta say winter.

10. if you could live anywhere where would you live?

Colorado. Specifically Aspen, Colorado. Or Vail. It's expensive up there but god it's so gorgeous

11. what's something expensive you really want but don't need?

I want a new laptop but I don't technically need it lol

12. what qualities do you look for in a friend?

I don't think I look for anything specifically. Just basically a caring person, who won't fuck me over who I can vibe with

13. do you wear perfume/cologne? if so what kind?

Yes! Anything Jimmy Choo. Specifically Fever by Jimmy Choo. My favorite rn

14. what's your favorite sugary cereal?

Fruit Loops

15. what are some of your favorite types of candy?

Hmmm. I love reese's. I like twix. I like gummy candy too and like, fruit chews and stuff

16. are you better at cooking or baking?

Probably better at cooking. But I haven't done much baking

17. what's one thing on your bucket list?

Travel to every single national park in the United States!

18. what is your favorite type of food?

Chinese, hands down

19. what was your first job?

I worked at a barn for my first job. I exercised horses, cleaned the barn and paddocks, and fed and watered the horses, etc

20. are you usually early or late to things?

Depends on the thing and it's importance lol

21. what show are you currently watching?

Breaking Bad. I should have finished it by now, I only have two episodes left but I hit a bit of a depressive state so I haven't yet

22. what's your favorite drink?

Hmmm. Ginger ale or just plain water. Oooh or strawberry/raspberry lemonade

23. what do you hope never changes?

I hope I never stop loving so hard. It really hurts me but I love it. To love someone so deeply, purely, without holding back.. it's a special thing.

24. what's your dream car?

I want a 2 door. Like a lamborghini or a Ferrari one day lol, waaaay in the future when I start making serious money. And it wouldn't be my main car. They break down too easy and are so expensive to take to the shop

25. what songs have you completely memorized?

Oh man. A lot. Sad Song by We The Kings, Eminem- Cleaning Out My Closet, just to name a few.

26. what would you rate 10/10?

Man, going hiking. There is nothing like being outdoors.

And of course, I'd rate her 10/10...

27. what color scheme do you like?

Fall color scheme! Dark reds, dark blues, dark purples, burnt orange

28. what are some of your favorite movies?

Blue Is The Warmest Color, But I'm a Cheerleader, Moondance Alexander

29. what do you wish you knew more about?

Life and love

30. what's the best way to start the day?

To wake up next to your best friend, your soul mate. I've only started my day like that a handful of times in my life.

31. what mystery do you wish you knew the answer to?

Love and how to cope with heartbreak. There must be some kind of secret to it. I'm not sure though. Also, I'd love to know, how do parents betray their own children? I'd love to know that.

32. what's your favorite movie or book genre?

Horsey books for sure

33. what's the farthest you've ever been from home?

From Georgia all the way to Colorado. Which isn't that far but yeah

34. do you like rollercoasters?

No. I fucking love them

35. what are you most likely to become famous for?

Being a fuck up? Lmao

On the real though, I used to dream about being a famous horseback rider. God how I wish that could've come true.

36. what fictional place would you most like to go?

The Harry Potter universe!

37. what popular TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

Supergirl just bc I don't think I'd like it

38. what would be your ideal date?

Anywhere with her

39. what's the most impressive thing you know how to do?

Hmmm. I'm not sure. I mean like, I can give animals IVs, but I'm not sure if that's impressive or not.

40. what was the best book or series you've ever read?

Harry Potter orrrr Canterbury Crest

41. what are you interested in that most people haven't heard of?

I mean nothing really, but I do love snow globes. People have heard of them but probably not heard of collecting them like I do

42. what is the most annoying question that people ask you regularly?

When are you having kids??

Never, nosy!!!! Just because I'm 21 doesn't mean I have to start popping them out! Ugh, my sole purpose in this life is not to have children. My itty bitty tiny woman brain is gonna do so much more for this world by itself than raising children could ever do for this world

43. what could you give a 40 minute presentation on with absolutely no preparation?

Pretty much anything horse related, or related to my work I guess lol. I know so much about retail that I wish I never knew lol

44. what's something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

Go to Colorado!! When it's snowing

45. what's something that a ton of people are obsessed with, but you just don't get the point of?

Going out to bars/clubs. I just don't get it. If I'm drinking I'm drinking alone or with a few friends

46. who inspires you to be better?

The women in my family. They always inspire me to be the best version of me I can be.

47. what irrational fear do you have?

I'm terrified of ghosts? And like, demons and stuff

48. what's the hardest lesson you've learned?

I like, dont want to answer this lol

But one of the hardest I've ever learned is that it's so important to check on your friends often. You never know how they're feeling and what's going on with them. You don't want it to be too late. It's better to be annoying than have regrets about not asking people how they're doing.

49. what's the last adventure you went on?

I went on a hike around Arabia Mountain Saturday before last. Not really an adventure but it was fun for sure

50. what was the most memorable gift you've ever received?

I received a really special snow globe maybe two years ago? I can't remember but I love it so much

51. what's something you can never seem to finish?

Sometimes it's hard for me to finish school work lol, it seems neverending.

52. what do you strongly suspect but have no proof of?

Don't wanna answer. If I answer it may come true, so no.

53. what song or artist do you like, but rarely admit to liking?

Lol, man, embarrassing. But certain songs by 21 Savage... yeah, I know, cringe lol

54. what question can you ask to find out the most about a person?

Like what their hobbies are. What someone does in their free time says a lot about them I think

55. what bridges do you not regret burning?

The ones between my mother and her side of the family. Fuck them all.

56. what's the most illegal thing you've done?

Smoke weed?? On school property? Or cocaine lol

57. what are you afraid people see when they look at you?

My vunerability and how easy it would be to crush my emotions

58. what do you hope people see when they look at you?

I hope people see someone nice who they can come to with anything.

59. what are you excited most about in your life right now?

Not much to be honest

60. which tv or movie character(s) do you identify with and why?

I really don't know. Maybe Adéle from Blue Is The Warmest Color

[leavemebeggin]

Everything is spiraling, i wish i could talk to someone without having turning them turn it against me. I feel like i dont have the right to feel like i have been assulated since i put myself in a situation where i was vunerable and i just know that this situation triggered something and everything is gonna go to shit. I hate my life i want to make something of myself and i already dont have the energy. My parents also make the situation worse by acting like they know me, my mum tries to compare me to my dad and i just know how she feels about him (which really hurts me in a sense since she’s basically saying i am the equivalent) i hate her so much because she throws jabs and tries to insult me whenever she can. I dont ever want to be around her, she thinks caring about someone is making them what u want when in reality its more of accepting people for who they are. My dad uses me as an example to where he went wrong and hes trying to make sure no one ever goes down the same path i did. I dont have anyone to turn to

[highschoolwhywoulditeversuck]

im done but little do you know

I’m done. My best friend doesnt care that im basically struggling to get out of bed let alone smile. ive spent all day in tears alone while everyone else in my life when to celebrate spring. all i’ve wanted since last year was some to just sit with me for a few hours to chat to hope me. to let me be the one to be vunerable. im sick of holding it together to make everyone else happy. little do you know that i wish i could just disapear no one would care if i do that. yes im dperessed, yes im struggle, but no matter how i feel no one cares. not one person asked if i was okay on are okay day especially in the moment i almost broke down from the sheer stress of not finding a job. may be i should just be dead becasue i obviously dont have the strength to do  life alone. my only friend thinks its okay to leave the friend that truely needs someone alone with out actually seeing them for months and tells me its my fault for being alone and my fault for all the pain in life. Little do you know that each day has only proven how much people didnt want me around. Whether it was two people who i use to call friends ignore me not even smiling let alone saying hi the two times i walked past them or the fact that you just continue to make me feel like trash. the fact that no one can take the time to reply to a fucken message let alone to find the time or strength to smile , talk or even sit with me. we live in a generation where sucidie is such a talking point and we are consently making sure people are okay. While im struggling ill leave this here. what about all of us that have just been ignored and treated like trash our whole lives to only be forgotten by the few people who love me when i turned 18. Thanks for nothing. I hate this fucken world so much.