#i dont expect to understand it anymore... so ill just take it as a fact that pity is bad.. what pulls it apart from sympathy and compassion

[seariii]

Reading articles upon articles and people explaining the concept to others, only to leave not understanding it at all... Maybe it's just one of those concepts my brain can't understand and I just have to accept as a fact...

[phagodyke]

prev post reminds me a friend told me last week she doesnt believe i actually struggle with emotional volatility/dysregulation like ive mentioned before bc shes never seen it firsthand...............

[moose-muffin]

im new here (hiya from the hazbin tag lol) but if you do character + character requests than please PLEASE gimmie a lee!vox with ler!alastor 🙏🙏🙏hear me out... the two are fighting and al (sHocKINglY) wins out, and vox expects to like.. be beaten into the ground as a result, but nope!! he gets tickled!!! to tears!!!! smthn smthn he wasnt smilin and, yk, youre never fully dressed w/o a smile!!!

/nf to do tho ty for reading!!! <3<3

OMG OMG HELLO WELCOME I HOPE YOURE DOING GOOD YIPPEE

SO FUN FACT I WAS VERY LIKE NEUTRAL TO RADIOSTATIC BUT TONIGHT HAS BEEN (HAHAH GET IT) AN ADVENTURE AND THIS ROAD HAS BEEN SUCH A BLAST <3 THOSE TWO FUCKERS ARE SO INSTIGATIVE ITS CRAZY.

I KNOWWWW THIS AS A FIC WOULD GO C R A Z Y!!!!! IDK IF ANYONE HERE WRITE FOR VOX AND ALASTOR AND PERHAPS DOES COMMISSIONS BUT I WILL PAY!!!! PLEASE HIT ME UP OR ILL PROBABLY GO TAKE A PEAK FOR MYSELF TMR <3 AS LONG AS THATS OK ANON. (I WILL ABSOLUTELY LET IT BE POSTED AS LONG AS THE AUTHOR IS OK WITH IT WHICH USUALLY THEY ARE!!!!) IM GONNA TAKE SOME CREATIVE LIBERTIES AS I TYPICALLY DO HEADCANONS!

IM NOT USUALLY A CHARACTER + CHARACTER GIRLY SO BEAR WITH ME BUT I WILL DO MY VERY BEST!!!! HOPEFULLY I CAN DO THIS JUSTICE! IT WILL BE RANDOM HCS THAT ARE UNRELATED TOO. MY BRAIN IS A MESSY PLACE HWBSHWDBD

OK SO LIKE I KINDA MENTIONED, THEY BOTH LOOOOVE TO JUST GET UNDER PEOPLES SKIN. LOVE IT!!! ESPECIALLY ALASTOR. HES SUCH AN ASS (affectionate)

I’D EVEN SAY HE’S KIND OF AN INSTIGATIVE LER???? BRO IS DOING EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO GET TO TICKLE VOX LIKEEE IDK IF THAT EVEN MAKES SENSE BUT I KNOW ITS TRUE. HE WILL CASUALLY WIGGLE HIS FINGERS IN CONVERSATION, TWEAK HIS RIBS FROM BEHIND, LITTLE THINGS LIKE THAT. WELL THEYRE NOT LITTLE. ESPECIALLY NOT TO VOX WHO IS SO FLUSTERED BY IT… ITS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING

BUT! VOX HAS STARTED TO FIGURE IT OUT. AS HE IS ALSO ONE WHO LOVEEES TO GET UNDER SKIN, HE DECIDES HE’LL DO EVERYTHING TO TRIGGER A LER MOOD IN ALASTOR. IF HE CAN TELL HE ALREADY HAS ONE, HE FINDS WAYS TO SUBTLY (WE ALL KNOW HE ISNT SUBTLE THOUGH) LEAVE A SPOT UNPROTECTED. BUT ALASTOR DOESNT WANT TO GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION!!! HE TRIES SO HARD TO NOT GIVE IN TO VOX BC HE “WANTED TO BE THE ONE IN CONTROL” AND NOW HE ISNT AND HES #PISSED

ALSO VOX ABSOLUTELY IS HORRIFIED OF VULNERABILITY. YET HE IS ABLE TO MOVE PAST IT WITH ALASTOR HERE. SOMEHOW HE ISNT AS WORRIED ANYMORE. MAYBE HE KNOWS ALASTOR WILL REACT. HE LOVES THAT SO VERY MUCH.

AS FOR THE SPECIFIC PROMPT, OH THAT IS SO REAL!!!! ABSOLUTELY YES!!!

I DONT WRITE GOOD ROMANCE BUT LIKE UGH IMAGINE IT NOW. Alastor definitely just got himself to the V’s tower and was planning on fucking with Vox only to see he had already been kinda pissed off. Alastor wouldn’t be as satisfied if he knew he didn’t cause the frustration. He realized he could just stir the pot again. Problem solved, and what better way to solve it than using his weakness against him.. being tickled.

I’m being a little silly but genuinely Vox is so ticklish. Like most ticklish person in hell would go to him if it were an official title. That’s what I’m thinking. That being said, Alastor also knows how quickly he could get him to crumble… but wouldn’t it be more fun to take it slow.

Vox notices his presence almost immediately. He tried to ignore it as he feels his face get warm. He can’t fuck this up. He takes a deep breath and turns around. “Why hello, Alastor! What brings you to our building this evening?” He said in a semi newcaster voice. He wasn’t ready to drop the act

“Well Vox, I came here for a reason of my own but then I walked by your office and you looked so sad!” He began to walk closer to Vox. “You know, t they say you’re never fully dressed without a smile!”

Vox let out a laugh that was quite clearly untruthful. “Yes Alastor I am aware! I was alone in here and so I figured I’d just save up some energy. I’m sure you understand.”

“Quite frankly I don’t,” Alastor paused, “I think maybe I could help you get that smile back.”

Vox didn’t even have to think. He knew Alastor meant he was going to tickle him. You could ask Velvette. She’s seen those two in tickle fights that lasted for DAYS. she knows what they’re capable of, or more so what Alastor is capable of.

Vox puts up a fight for maybe a couple seconds but he just loves tickles more than he can play pretend that he doesn’t <3

It works out well for them both, Alastor gets to fuck around with Vox and well, Vox gets his shit rocked!!! And he loves that more than a lot of things.

OK IM GONNA CUT IT OFF HERE BUT PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COME BACK!!!! IM ALWAYS DOWN TO HEAR WHAT PEOPLE ARE THINKING!! MAYBE ID DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS AGAIN OR LIKE ADD ONTO THIS!!! BUT I AM JUST ALL OVER THE PLACE CURRENTLY HEHE. I HOPE THESE ARE ENJOYABLE!!! (LOWKEY I WANNA ADD MORE TO THISSSS MAYBE TMR MAYBE TMR WE’LL SEE)

apologies if anything is ooc, i just do this for funsies <3

THANK YOU FOR THIS ASKK

[basilcruzzzz]

Dysfunctional Fam™

Dysfunctional Fam™

sunboi: yo guys why poseidon looks mad

messenger pigeon: wdym bro

sunboi: he looks ready to turn someone into a dolphin

drunk_on_LOOOOVE: ey! That’s ripping me off!

sunboi: fine he looks ready to turn someone into a horse happy

drunk_on_LOOOOVE: very

seaking: ATHENA.

Athena Parthenos: Poseidon.

sunboi: soooo

What’s wrong people???

free therapist here yk

seaking: WHY IS HE BACK ATHENA?!

Athena Parthenos: it has been years poseidon

Let. it. Go.

sunboi: so were ignoring the free therapist offer

ok

interested in a calm the heck down lollipop?

seaking: I AM NOT LETTING IT GO AFTER ODYSSEUS STABBED MY SON IN THE EYE

Athena Parthenos: so what?

Your son was ugly anyways.

seaking: GASP

YOU DID NOT SAY THAT

NONONONO

.DFKAKFHSDFAKSDFHKASHFDASHDFKSH

messenger pigeon: bro got so mad he couldn’t even speak properly

drunk_on_LOOOOVE: lmao screenshotted

Athena Parthenos: Stop being childish, Hermes, Dio.

messenger pigeon: hey, listen, im just tryin to break the tension for our readers

Athena Parthenos: what

drunk_on_LOOOOVE: what

sunboi: what

seaking: what

messenger pigeon: what

sunboi: moving on-

You two @seaking and @Athena Parthenos take this to the Dms

Me and Hermes here need to talk privately too.

messenger pigeon: what..?

sunboi: you heard me, messenger boy

dms, now.

messenger pigeon: … sure.

*

sunboi > messenger pigeon

sunboi: why are you hiding from me, hermes?

messenger pigeon: what do you mean?

sunboi: youre avoiding me

You wont even look at me

Hermes

What are you hiding

messenger pigeon: i cant tell you, apollo

sunboi: what do you mean?!

Is someone threatening you?

If they are i swear on the styx im going to toss them in the worst pits of tartarus

messenger pigeon: NO NOTHING LIKE THAT!

I just…

I cant say

sunboi: hermes please

I need to know

I dont want to be like this anymore

messenger pigeon: apollo…

Its supposed to be a secret

sunboi: so? 

That’s not as important as us

messenger pigeon: its about artemis

I just thought that, you know,

It wouldnt be fair to tell you to keep it from her

sunboi: i can hide something from her

I swear!

ive gotten better

Tell me

messenger pigeon: alright. Ill tell you

Its about orion

He’s returned.

sunboi: no.

No, no, no, no, no

It cant be

messenger pigeon has sent a video

messenger pigeon: this is the video hephaestus saw on cams

This is why he took so long to respond

im sorry apollo

sunboi: artemis is goig to finds outtr

yuo knwo that riughts???

messenger pigeon: eventually, maybe

but not now.

sunboi: i dont knwo whaat illl do if orion comes back

Wha t if artemis seeshim and brings him to olympus

Thentheyll both hate me

I dont want artemis to hate me

messenger pigeon: apollo thats not going to happen

Shes your sister

she’ll stick by you

I know youre panicking

Want to call?

sunboi: mhm

messenger pigeon started a call that lasted 6 hours

*

messenger pigeon > machines <3

messenger pigeon: hephaestus

machines <3: you told him, didnt you?

messenger pigeon: how did you know?

machines <3: I saw the messages in Dysfuntional Fam

messenger pigeon: well, you’re right

machines <3: do you really believe that he’ll manage to keep it a secret?

messenger pigeon: well it seems he hasnt kept a secret from artemis in a long time

But we dont know, so maybe he has

machines <3: i suppose thats fair

But its just a guess

not fact

messenger pigeon: are you angry?

machines <3: no, no

I should’ve expected it, really

after those issues with the cows were ironed out, you and apollo were inseparable

messenger pigeon: thanks for understanding, hephaestus

machines <3: no problem, brother

~

sorry for not posting but hereeee

[priceforrottenjudgement]

Ive seen a lot of bitching about hotd in the tag, which surprised me bc there was none of this two weeks ago and now all these ppl are acting like season 2 sucks and its badly written and its rewriting the books and bla bla. This surprised me, so i did a little snooping

Like. First off, isnt grrm consulting them this time? I know he was doing it for s1 and im sure i read he was doing s2 too. I cant say anything about bad writing, tbh i havent examined it that closely bc nothing about pacing or dialogue has bothered me enough to spend time thinking about it.

The "its not like the book!!!" Thing really bothers me though bc have you read the book? Lmao im not so sure bc some of the stuff you complain about is so weird, also how did you miss that fire & blood has deeply unreliable narrators? It literally says gyldayn is an unreliable narrator on the Wikipedia, hes taking a bunch of biased sources and kind of patches the history of house targaryen together. If you had read the book, youd KNOW that it isnt a definitive chronicle and stuff was likely altered, embellished and left out. Some of the alterations make sense, because why would some maester know about these ppls private lives. Fire and blood is full of propaganda, rumours and bias. Also the stuff that WAS changed isnt really that deep? I really like the change to the rhaenicent dynamic (ill come back to this, theres a reason ppl seem to hate this change lmao), i dont care about maelor and the nettes changes dont bother me that much? (Some ppl are convinced rhaena will get the ENTIRE nettles storyline. Which would indeed suck cough cough, but i dont think thats where theyre going at all lmao)

So i took a look at some of the other opinions of ppl who really really HATE s2 and, WOOOOOOWWWWW,there sure is a lot of homophobia on the yuri Website huh? All of a sudden it makes sense why these ppl popped up 2 weeks ago huh? (And why theyre so bitchy about the changes to alicents character not being a wicked stepmother but more of an... almost lover) Wow, what a fucking pathetic reason to be a hater. Awww nooooooooo this female character is kissing women noooo, theyre ruined!! Even though the relationship was kind of maybe sort of a little implied in the book. (Granted the book talks about a close relationship between rhaenyra, mysaria and DAMON, but see above for rumours and inaccuracies) Also there are a lot of ppl who were genuinely Team green (i did not realise those ppl existed unironically, gonna be honest) who are mad that Team green is portrayed more negatively than Team black and apparently thats unfair. Yeah, idk what to say about that, do you always expect to opposing sides of a fictional conflict to be treated the same and to be equally good and justified? Granted, the "pick a side" Marketing was dumb and encouraged this sort of thinking, but those two teams are not equal lol you can still like the characters even though theyre cheaters, usurpers and Bad ppl.

If you had genuinely read and UNDERSTOOD the books and that theyre full of propaganda you would understand why SOME PPL are either portrayed more positively or more negatively in the show than they were in the book. Just consider WHO was writing the history for one sec.

Yeah, rant over, this was just too ridiculous not to get off my chest.

Like yeah, you can criticise some of the changes and the simple fact that 8 ep seasons are SHIT for building a plot, but considering some ppl call an ep "filler" just because nobody got roasted by a dragon, maybe we dont deserve 20 ep seasons with a slow building of plot and tension anymore....

[pookieismissing09]

ok guys i never post on here but heres my take on the sturniolo space camp situation if anyone gives a fuck

SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I DONT EXPECT ANYONE TO READ EVERYTHING NO ONE WILL PROB SEE THIS ANYWAY 💀 ill prob delete this icl its just a lil rant 🥰🥰

and if u disagree with me idc im just expressing my opinions 😭 read the whole thing so i can justify myself before u start attacking me

before i say anything im not just sticking up for nick just because im a fan of the triplets. like some people are only sticking up for him because they hate to admit that he would ever lie or do anything wrong- and they’re defending him with no reasoning other than “he would never 🥺” like stfu. what im saying is that i don’t know for sure whether the ‘bee better’ guy is telling the truth, for all i know he might be chatting utter shit. but if he is telling the truth, then im saying that i understand nick lied but its not necessarily a negative thing.

so like first of all i dont see the issue with nick not being the founder of the brand. like yes i understand its ‘morally wrong’ to lie and its misinformation but i think we will live… it doesnt make any difference to the products or the people who buy them. like ik people say that they only bought it to support nick and they wouldn’t have bought it if they knew it was just some random brand, but its not just some ‘random brand’- they are still supporting nick cos he gets payed for advocating it. by purchasing the products, theyre keeping the brand afloat which means nick will get payed for being the ‘face of the brand’ and doing a good job at advertising. or in simple terms, even if nick isnt the founder of the entire brand he is still a huge part of the company and is definetly getting a fat bag from all of this. like yall are acting like you wouldnt lie if a company said they would pay you to do so- bffr we would all do what nick did.

and the other main thing is everyone is complaining about the price all of a sudden. like if you are all protesting about how nick has nothing to do with the origin of the brand then surely he also wouldn’t be able to control the price? so according to everyone saying the lip balms are not his idea, don’t be mad at nick for the ridiculous pricing if he apparently ‘had nothing to do with it in the first place‘. and aside from that, the pricing literally had nothing to do with the fact that he lied about being the founder- it would probably cost the same either way so why are people only getting worked up about the pricing now that he is being ‘exposed’? like honestly people are just looking for excuses to say he’s a bad person like what 😭

and ik this doesnt have anything to do with spacecamp, but in general these days everyone is saying how the triplets don’t put any effort into their content anymore and only do it for the money. i think you are forgetting that youtube is their full time paying job. doing youtube as a hobby and doing it as a career are completely different- and most people find that when they pursue their hobbies as a career choice they start to enjoy it less since they feel under pressure to perform a certain way (and don’t come at me for saying that because im “babying” the triplets, piss off).

put it this way, people that have high paying jobs that sit in an office all day don’t do that type of work for their enjoyment- they only work in that environment because they want to receive a larger income instead of having an enjoyable job with a poor wage. this is exactly the same as the triplets’ situation, i doubt very much that they actually do youtube for their personal enjoyment. at the end of the day they have to pay the bills and youtube is their only job- its not always going to be fun like it used to be (both for them and for us watching).

and for all of you thinking ‘well they shouldnt be youtubers if they cant entertain people’ you have to understand that getting a different job takes time. like the whole process of finding a career, interviewing etc. and as well as that, they are probably terrified to even consider looking for another career because of their batshit crazy fans (including me 💀). like can we just cut them some slack and let them get on with their job 😭. and at the end of the day they cant just stop being youtubers, they will never be able to live their lives as regular people now that they have created their platform- i doubt they will ever do anything else bc of the fear of being recognised in public whilst they are doing a more “normal” job.

and for the love of god this is NOT me saying that the triplets are gonna quit youtube. like i said, its their full time job. im just giving my opinion on people saying they are only doing it for the money- and quite honestly they are, but is that really such a bad thing? like im sorry but they aren’t just posting for our entertainment, they need money one way or another.

also is anyone else excited for the stream later like i hope nick will say something about all this and not just stay quiet until it all blows over

i think thats all i was gonna say i cant remember but if theres more then i will say 😘😘😘 sorry i waffle alot

[pommunist]

kind of feeling like the rest of the fandom just wants french fans to shut up and leave already :|... why should we be trusting quackity when he hasnt even given any more updates on anything. ("ill keep you updated everyone" -quackity (lying) on his stream addressing issues). "trust that theyre working on it!!!" is starting to feel more and more like people are actually meaning "omg stop complaining so much!!! youre ruining my enjoyment".

of course the new announcements feel like damage control why would we expect anything else? they refuse to talk about anything and start to dangle shiny new things in front of the rest of the fandom so they get distracted from french complaints. why should we trust that anything is happening when the syndicat says that the fired admins havent even been contacted by anyone after more than a week?

im so done at this point :|. i cant even lurk on twitter anymore because all the french accounts i looked at either went inactive, private, or deactivated entirely because of how many death threats they were getting for daring to expect more of quackity.

i dont necessarily think Q was lying or is trying to sweep the situation under the rug but yeah ! people can and SHOULD be wanting more communication and transparency

the « stop complaining and trust bc you’re just spreading negativity » mindset that im sometimes seeing is driving me INSANE like ?? this isn’t discourse or drama it’s a workers rights violation 😳 personally what is ruining my enjoyment of the server is knowing that the characters and story ive loved for months was built on the exploitation of people who also loved the project. that and the fact that it seems like the community im a part of was a second thought the whole time 😳

and this isn’t only a french issue like yes most of the ex admins who spoke up were french but the issues impact every community !

I know that since this is a BIG issue it’s gonna take time to solve and i can even understand keeping the server running but introducing so many new people + an awards event right now is so idk….

I also feel bad for the korean and german creators who are coming in at such a bad timing

and yes broke my heart seeing the admins who spoke up as well as big twitter accounts from qsmptwt having to stop expressing themselves/receive crazy amounts of hate/deactivate bc they’re so done with the situation and receiving so few support

[iciatheguardess]

Hiiii it’s meeee elsie

conflicted Elsie

Look, you know as well as I do that I love TAOCC to freaking death

but like

I may have to partially step away from it after the current arcs are over.

these goofy goobers took over my life for the last three-ish months, and while I’ve had an amazing time, it’s…caused me to neglect other parts of my life, and restrict myself more than I should when it comes to how I am on this site. I’ve stated my intention to try and branch out multiple times but I never go through with it because I just…I have things to write here! I can’t! And yeah it’s fun but sometimes I get hurt even if people don’t mean to, like, I’ve gotten legitimately ill from this once or twice.

But I feel like even trying to step away a bit is somehow abandoning all of you or betraying your trusts. I want to stay friends with you guys, but my actual life and Irlsie has to come first most of the time, because I am not JUST Elsie, if that makes any sense. Elsewhere is and was always meant to be a sona for some interaction, maybe some friendos, but nothing this…involved, because I can’t put all of my social effort onto the internet because no matter what I do, the internet is not a completely genuine place, and I’ve accepted that. There are some parts of my personality I just don’t use. You don’t really ever see calm Elsie or mental illness Elsie or sappy Elsie, maybe once or twice, and that’s intentional. This is Writing Elsie’s blog, lol, but there’s other Elsie that needs to be allowed to exist outside of the internet, and I can’t neglect her or my actual life for the sake of this.

I honestly don’t know what to do here. I love these characters on a very personal level, and have poured my heart into them, and I don’t want to straight up leave them. Even only partially separating myself seems kinda pointless because I know what happens when someone gets really behind on the lore and has to be caught up on even just a day’s events to explain why Character A looks like this now or Character B is referencing this event, etc. etc.

But there’s a point where it’s not healthy anymore. Where things reach a place where I have to admit that this can’t be my entire life anymore. And I’m not entirely sure what on earth I should do about it…

If I do somewhat step back, it’ll probably be right after the vacation arc ends. i’m gonna pour my fluff loving heart and soul into that thing, don’t you worry. But you shouldn’t expect another dungeon or something like that from me unless I have a VERY good reason and a well formulated plan. Yes, I’ll probably still engage in shippery and fluff, as well as analysis, but mostly within the bounds of characters and dynamics we’ve already established, and not much farther than that. My one exception to the “after the vacation arc” rule would probably be Yelena’s arc, because of how long things in that section tend to take, for various reasons. Yelena’s arc is barely started, and stuff takes possibly days to move even a few hours in-universe. Sooooo….yeah, I wanna finish that, I’ve put too much work into it already to just stop it.

…dang this was only supposed to be a paragraph…

…pls halp, I have no idea what to do lol.

Ok. I've read over this a couple times.

First off, I'm talking to you as L here, and not Star. I am very, very proud of you for acknowledging this and understanding that this is getting unhealthy. I think it's very smart that you dont want to neglect your yourself irl and the fact you're saying this, and saying exactly what you'll be doing, I'm really proud of it.

To give you a clear answer, if it's going to help you irl then I think stepping back is smart. Especially from the trauma and angst, because that stuff hurts a LOT and it can be really, really detrimental and negatively affect irl things. What I DONT think is that it's betraying anyone. You need to be able to put yourself and your needs first in order to be your best self, and everyone understands that you can't be on tumblr 24/7 because, well, that's really really really really unhealthy and not good. I'm really glad you're telling me about this though so I, and everyone else who sees this, knows.

TAOCC is really great but there's a LOT of heavy things on here and with everything going on, it can be super weighing and really affect people irl. I can speak from experience because honestly, I'm in a similar situation. I won't speak much about that though. It's definitely addictive and can get really really unhealthy if you let it, and honestly it's not hard to let it.

I want you to do whatever you feel is best for you, no matter what that entails. Fei and Tails and Xeya and Kumo and so many others and I love you so much and do NOT want you neglecting yourself and your life irl for this- it's meant to be entertainment, not a lifestyle.

I think it's smart to finish Yelena's Arc before partially stepping back. And I think it's even smarter to not want to do another dungeon, because that whole thing was a massive angst-fest and I think it negatively affected people more than they care to admit. Shippery and fluff and minor things is a good boundary.

I'll wrap this up now, but again, I'm in full support of this decision because I want you to be at your best. You're right, you're not just Elsie. And it's not fair for you to only be Elsie when you're so much more than that. If stepping away from tumblr will help you take care of the other parts of your life that we aren't involved in or aware of, then please do so because no part of you and your life should be sacrificed for the sake of entertainment.

Again, I'm really, really proud of you for admitting this.

Please know we'll always support you and you're super important to all of us, so don't ever feel bad for putting your needs first. Irl things should always come first.

But no matter what always remember:

WE LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH AND YOURE SUPER IMPORTANT AND WE WANT THE BEST FOR YOUUU ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Everything I said is applicable for everyone else reading this too. Taocc is fantastic and we love it but it shouldn't completely take over your life. It's okay to take a break or step back fully if it means the best for your health and irl life. Please remember to take care of yourselves- and everything that Elsie talked about here is FANTASTIC self care. It may be hard, but it's also the best decision she can make for herself and may be the best decision for others too.

Alright- I think I covered everything. Don't ever feel like you're betraying us Elsie- it's not betrayal, it's self care. We'll still be here for you, always. Never forget that ❤️❤️❤️

[kyyuri]

to be or not ! -yang jungwon

special chap ! the fund raiser (smau + written)

★彡 synopsis: what happens when y/n, who is hopelessly pinning over her best friend, jungwon- gets betrayed by not one, but both of them ?! and what happens when jungwon falls for her despite all odds ?

a/n: GOSH IT FEELS GREAT TO BE BACK! sorry for the prolonged hiatus,, i had a lot of major exams this year and it was really tough >< but theyve finally ended so i will be updating more frequently! please continue to support this smau as always <3 (ps. 2 more chapters and this series ends officially 😭😭 might do spin offs if you guys want !)

word count: 694

taglist 2 ! 6 slots left

perm taglist open !

after days and dayyyyssss of hard work, jungwon had finally managed to pull off the perfect cake using the perfect recipe. jumping in joy, he slowly put the cake into the refrigerator. only 12 more hours till the eventful day he had planned. his heart was beating really fast. what if you said no ? what if you grew to resent him instead ? holding the keychain you returned him in his hands, he prayed to god. “please please please dont let me screw the only good thing in my life up again.”

[d-day]

as expected, the hallway was jam packed with students, turning round each corner ready to try all the booths out. “jay oppa, hows all the funds so far ? “ you asked, packing another box of cookies for the students. “its going great, apart from the fact sunghoon is too busy taking fan pictures to even lend a hand. on the bright side, his face itself earned us $150 so far.” you chuckled “thats good to hear.” handing the box to the male student infront of you, you smiled, “ have a great day ! feel free to come back for more !” upon noticing his hesitance to leave, you were quick to question why. “can… CAN I GET YOUR PHONE NUMBER ?” he shouted at the top of his lungs, making the both of you flustered. you were too shocked to even speak. “um…um..” just then you felt someone hugging you from behind. “ynnnnnnnn~ its lonely here… come back quick please ..?” jungwon whined. the guy from before instantly took the hint that you were off limits once jungwon sent a glare his way. you giggled “okay wonie. lets go. “ jungwon just couldnt wait for the lunch shift to be over. “ill take over from here.” heeseung said giving a wink to jungwon. it was the signal. the signal to for ynwon final project. “thanks hyung !” and with that jungwon dragged you out of that class, bringing you to the school rooftop.

“wonie why are we heading for the rooftop ? what about the bake sale ? its not over yet. “ “i know that but i wanna show you something.” as the door to the rooftop swung open, your jaws dropped. “wonie.. whats this ?” he smiled. “i prepared this for you ! oh and also this cake ! heeseung hyung taught me how to bake a while back.” he scratched the back of his head sheepishly “ a small smile creeped up on your face. “ thank you wonie. for everything. all the thoughts and effort you put into this. “ but when you turned from the view to face jungwon, all you see is a nervous boy. “won..ie ?” “i- i have something to say ! please let me finish everything before you speak. i- i- i have a crush on you and i didnt realised that i did i thought it was all normal and it took me a dating yujin to figure out that my feelings for her were ones of friendliness and my feelings for you are ones that can blossom into something more. i know i gave you a really hard time recently because of everything that went down and im really sorry for that and i understand if yo-you dont like me back anymore ! its really ok if you don-“ before he could finish his rambling, you leaned in and gave him a little peck on his cheeks. “wonie, i get it. you dont have to be sorry anymore. and besides, i like you back so isnt this a win for us ?” he looked at you absolutely stunned. “really ? you do ?” you nodded. he squeezed you into a tight hug “ im never going to let anyone take you away from me !!”

“sweet ! im getting my robux !” niki cheered softly from behind the door to the rooftop, earning himself a nice slap on the back from sunoo. “shh ! let the new couple enjoy their time together. i cant believe it took jungwon so many years to acknowledge his TRUE feelings.”

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[i-like-strawb]

vent

you have been warned

okay, i genuinely feel like such a shitty person because i cant keep in touch with my friends over long distance, like i will forget to anwer then 3 hours later i dont know what to say so i just respond with "ok" and it makes me feel so bad

and then theres also the fact that whenever me and my ex bf broke up it was getting toxic like REALLY toxic he has screamed at my best friend multiple times and he freaked out cuz i didnt answer my phone for 1 hour (i was at a birthday party and i was talking about it so he knew) and hes just done some shit to me and my friends that i didnt like,

but anyways we were still friends....(for like 2 days) and near the time we broke up he had discovered he liked fem clothes (a femboy, and no i dont have anything against them, you do you as long as ur not hurting anyone) and whenever we broke it off i wasnt really thinking right at the time and he sent me stuff i didnt want to see (like him in a skirt saying "first time going out today!1!1!") and i didnt want to see it

so. i told him i didnt care and a day later he said "thanks for letting me know we arent friends" and i blocked him, on EVERYTHING, capcut? blocked. pinterest? blocked. iMessages? blocked. and i feel like such a bad person for doing that...he didnt deserve it and i got discord and im in a server with him and now i feel like i want to throw up all over again but whenever i first left him i felt really happy...

i tried forcing myself into a idgaf personality but that backfired. big time and now that i dont have a boyfriend ive just been keeping all of my emotions in (i kinda was before but not as bad y'know?) and now i dont know what to do about it so i just stay up until 3am everyday on my computer to forget it all

and my parents arent quite strict but overbearing...my dad has a weird habit of picking at what i eat and it makes me feel really bad and they also expect me to be the "perfect daughter" when i have told them i am trans and that i am struggling (when i came out my dad said "i am not respecting you" to my face. ouch.) and whenever they found out abt my sh they, instead of looking into the problem, threatened to take everything from me

and they have always put the pressure on with school. i feel like i must be perfect or else i wont have freedom, and my dad is unnecissarily (?) loud, like ive asked him to tone it down and says "NOPE" every single time and it makes my head hurt (it also doesnt help that i have noise sensitivity issues) and he just denies everything and it hurts so much....

one day ill be able to get along with him just fine, the next day im looking at a pair of scissors a little too much because of him and i dont know what i can do anymore and my mom laughed in my face when i said i thought i was autistic and whenever i was at a really low point to suggest being put in a mental hospital

and what sucks is that i never realized most of my habits were weird until my ex pointed them out (ex: i have a really bad stutter). and ever since the moment i went to school im always in some kind of toxic relationship and i never realized that until a month ago

and with the staying up till 3? oh yeah real good. im tired and anxious 24/7 i feel like shit, and i dont want to say this to anybody because i dont want to bother them and i feel like they dont and wont care about it, just like some of my hyperfixations, like i will genuinely be excited about something and i tell it to someone and they couldnt give two fucks. again. ouch

and also i get yelled at because im very socially awkward and i cant really express some feelings outwardly, like i really love your present but i dont know how to express it so i need a minute to figure it out and then i get yelled at or the "you are so ungreatful" speech and nobody bothers to try and understand

and then there is how much i loathe myself, i hate that i was born like this, i hate how easy it is for me to get acne, i hate my nose and my mouth, my face shape, my body shape, my smile, my high voice, my femme looking features, i hate the fact i was born as a girl, i hate it all so much, the only thing i love is my hair color and eyes those are the only two pretty things about me

and i hate my personality so much too, i cant describe it but i hate myself a lot and the only comfort im able to get are my stuffies, the internet and a blanket fort where i can escape from everything and the terrible headaches i get, im so tired

i also have big anxiety issues, i overthink a lot even a "hi how are you" is too much for me like what if they find it weird, wait what if they dont like me, am i being too much and its a lot of thoughts to handle all at one time and i havent been able to regress lately (6 months) and that is the only way i really know how to cope

and what i mean by havent been able to is that i dont have a lot of stuff, ive been too tired to and i dont have a cg/somebody i think that actually cares enough and since im almost done with middle school im kinda scared, i dont know why but i am

bottom line, i feel like a shit person and that i have let everybody down, i desperately need sleep, and i have a shit ton of repressed feelings/emotions and they are all resurfacing and i cannot handle it, sorry for bothering you all and have a good day/night :)

[404theepilogue]

Im not sure really what to do or say but i want to just verbalise it and ask for help.

Im very scared right now. My physical health has never been worse, my mental health is dangerously unstable, and my work situation is bleak.

I told you that i missed work on monday, well it’s because i had slept in (or rather, passed out from exhaustion) because of the fact while my frequent insomnia and health stuff makes it difficult to sleep, the stress has been so high recently i cannot even fully sleep, like i will be half aware the whole time like im going to be attacked. My anxiety regarding work has mounted to unmanageable levels as every day and night is spent worrying about if im going to be well enough to work and if i will have a mishap like monday.

Work has issued me a first written warning as a code of conduct breach as i missed work on Monday. This understandably is deeply upsetting and disappointing to me, Kay was extremely apologetic but unfortunately its out of her hands as HR deals with the conduct policy, shes really one of the few people i think that actively supports me at work (excluding emma of course). However if another instance of any form of lateness occurs within the next 6 months this will escalate the disciplinary warning.

I spent quite a lot of my shift yesterday in tears because it feels like im a crushing disappointment to not be able to cope with life.

Ive been reflecting a lot recently because of how ill and stressed ive felt constantly and mentally speaking i dont want this anymore i dont want to scrape through while my health degrades further, i want to get better i want to be able to regain control of my life and recover. This is a notable change as you know i usually am a cynical person and will try and look for a way out rather than a solution.

All this to say really that im not sure where to go right now in life, it feels like i am making the choice between healing or pushing on to my detriment.

Of course the problem arises that, we live in a capitalist society and constant money is required to be able to live, im just unsure of how to reach a compromise where im not literally running my life into a situation i cannot get out of. This is not some random laziness i hate that i have to say this at all, i wish i could push on and let you retire and me make the money because you deserve a break more than me, but my body just cannot comply with what im pushing it to do and its shutting down.

I know i need to focus on healing properly, not just run myself into a burnout- take 2 months off work, push through again and rinse repeat, because the last few years have shown that just doesnt work.

Im too tired to fight or even knlw what is best for work, they have accommodated so much and the expectations from them are that i will eventually get back to doing my full role, from the office, with the phone etc. and its going to be pushed by rachel, kay has been pushing back deadlines and things that would ultimately be impossible for me but she can only do so much and who knlws what will happen.

Im so tired of feeling so bad i want to die, im so tired of being constantly in fight or flight no matter what i do. And im so tired of looking at myself in tge mirror and seeing the toll these have taken on me, my skins getting worse and i know it’s exacerbated by stress, because thats what triggered the first really really bad outbreak back when it was on my feet.

Idk, i just needed to say this and let you know about the whole work thing. Im sorry if this sounds like whining, i really dont mean to i just really needed to say what has been going through my mind the past few years

And i still was fired.

[foursdarkdays]

i like a girl lol

Sooooooooooooo ummm the title of this rant? would be "i like a girl" lmaooo Soooooo yeah theres a girl i kinda like?? its nothing serious tho but yeah i like her ig, she's not really my type tho but idk . She treats me so well i cant help it. i feel things lol. I keep checking my phone every second of the day (just did again) and it sucksssss. She kinda likes me back? atleast thats what she says . but idk i dont think so. The possibility is too narrow but yeah.

She has a boyfriend lol and its not like i care tbh cause its not like i wanna make her cheat on him something i mean she wouldnt and i wouldnt want her to. Also i know this isjust a phase for her and itll go away soon. for her or for me. Yk know i cant like someone for long especially if i dont see a possibilty of us dating. so yeah im gonna go with the flow rn. She told me that she had a crush on me since months tho but again ahh i dont think so. maybe shes overthinking . maybe she just wants to be my friend.

anywayyy soo im just going with the flow. we flirt a lot. we blush a lot. Thta bitch flirts with othets and makes me jealous lmao dumb fuck and i do the same bwahaah. sooooo yeahhhh i know after whatever this thing is ends im gonna be sad af for 2 weeks i think? cause we talk so much and its gonna be lonely. but again im a pro at moving on soooooooooo

7/10/23 (1:51am)

(im gonna keep adding the rants)

and the best thing about this is that i'm very well prepared for the heartbreak so im sure it wont hurt much lol im actually very sure about that. I always expect the worst in these things so its going to be chill. I'm sure shell come out of this phase soon and it will only be a memory for both of us. mostly in a good away tho. I'm not gonna take this too seriously and just have fun. you're flirting? okay ill flirt back. you're treating me well? ill do the same yeah thats it lol

i have a strong gut feeling that this is gonna end soon like 3-4 days? i dont know. lets see

7/10/23 (18:25)

Oh wow soooo it almost ended that day lollll but then yeah we kinda talked it out? Anyways i feel like something changed after that. I think in a good way? The obsession feelings decreased and maybe the good friendship feelings increased? I honestly have no idea and i should probably stop trying to figure it out lol. Anyway now I'm back and i think she doesn't like me anymore. Maybe I'm just over thinking? But lol nvm let's see how it goes

11/10/23 (2:05am)

Lmao bitch read this post. anyways im gonna act like no one knows about this account. Its soooooo scary i know i've told this before but its just really scary. See i have trust in myself that if IF something goes wrong ill move on fast, OKAY WHY AM I OVERTHINKING AGAIN. lets fuck this. SHES SO CUTE IM SO OBSESSED I HATE HER SO MUCH. ITS SO MUCH FUN TALKING TO HER. even though sometimes i really wanna push her off a cliff but its okay. I wanna write so much but im blank again wtf

14/10/23 (01:48am)

Why do i feel like she hates me now. Maybe she'll finally lose feelings. i mean yeah thats okay and understandable but it'll be too sudden so idk. I'm ready for anything at this point . I wanna text her but i guess ill give her space. I'll just distract myself and sleep. She has nooooooo idea about the amount of over thinking im doing rn. im so sure shes done with me and will never see my face again. lemme prepare myself. Thankfully im veryyy tired so ill fall asleep easily.

14/10/23 (9:22 pm)

i randomly have such sudden outbursts of love for this baby. i want to cup her face and kiss her whole face , i want to hug her to my chest and kiss her head and baby the fuck out of her. She's gonna cringe reading this (please dont). I want to like put our foreheads together and close my eyes and feel it yk??? i sound soooooo weird. Please dont be creeped out

15/10/23 (10;02pm)

I like her so much like so so so so so so much. Its very scary and i know for a fact that i will be hurt later but ugh its sooooo worth it. I'm sooooo happy with her. The feelings keep growing and i dont think im gonna let it stop. its okay ill let it grow. yoloooo sooo ahhhhh. We just had a pubg date sksksksk shes soooooooo ahhhhh. She flirts so confidently , i was panicking behind the pubg call sksknjiuck. anywaysssss ugh I want to kiss her sooooooooooooooooo bad like fuckkkkkkkkkk i wanttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!.

20/10/23 (01:13am)

Hiii so idk bro she says she's more obsessed with me but obviously i disagree. I think i really fell harder lol I mean it's scary af but anyways. Idk she can go for hoursssss without talking to me and be fine and me ? Lolllllll I try to text back whenever I can but she doesn't do that. Maybe I'm asking too much. Okay i should chill out fr. I don't wanna depend on anyone lol. I only want fun stuff here even though i know I'm kinda in deep but anyways it'll be okay. I know she's putting a lot of effort i shouldn't complain. I'm getting more than i deserve anyway. And I AM happy af. I just miss her i guess. I sound sooooo stupid. Ugh I hope she doesn't read this

21/10/23 (17:12)

(23/10/23) 1:40am

She didn't text me back today. But I'm gonna be understanding. I don't want to overthink. Not today . There are so many possibilities and i wanna listen to her . I really want to be understanding. Because i genuinely care . I didn't text her back till 2pm due to some valid reasons tho but anyway I feel calm now. I texted in our gc and she seen zoned but maybe she has her reasons . Let's see . I don't want to think about anything. I really hope she's alright .

It's like i want her to text me about her day and all but then I don't want to expect much i don't want her to do zyada also idk she's already treating me nicely and it makes me happy. Its honestly more than enough and I don't want to be greedy.

23/10/23 (19:12)

okay sooo ummm the reality is hitting me these days. I was okay being the side chick but its really hitting me lol. Its not like she makes me feel that way nahhh she shows that she cares. Its just that idk maybe im only stupid. she flirts with others and sends me screenshots and everytime she does that i lose little feelings. Even though she does that for fun idk. If she keeps doing this, i might actually lose feelings lol idk how to tell her that. I dont wanna bicker or anything i dont have the strenght and anyway she'll be like nooo i do it for fun only because im cool. **heavy sigh** nvm . but should i let her know? communication is good yk. i guess ill try tonight. if she doesnt fall asleep. Okay ill tell her that, rest is her wish lol .

oh yeah btw todays our 1 month anniversary???? ehehehehe

okay she fell asleep, shes really sick so i hope she feels better soon.

but anyway i keep feeling stupid lmaoooooo i need to stop feeling this way and accept it. Thats the only way lol

21:23 (30/10/23)

Wah its been long, soooo umm idk we kinda had a disagreement? i honestly dont know what that was but yeah im 1000% sure that it wasnt my fault. i took my time to write and explain everything but nah i guess shes mad at me? ofcourse she is. we didnt talk the whole day and its kinda driving me crazy but im trying to look normal. I wont text her first , not because i have ego or anything but because im not at fault here. She took things a little too far and i got triggered. But again i did explain her everything like why it triggered me and all because i didnt want any misunderstanding. But yeah shes mad at me for that? i honestly dont know what to do. is this the end of us? i dont want it to end like this. I'm not ready but i also wont text first. She needs to own up to her mistakes. I miss her. I miss her so much . please text me ughh .

its okay i guess. this is like a break for us i think i dont know how this will end up

22:56(7/11/23)

lmao i got on with a lot of thoughts in my head but as usual im black again. sooo i cant stop thinking about her and its scaring the shit out of me. Atp im pushing myself to go out with friends and family just to divert myself from thinking about her lmaooo yeah its that bad. The worst part is even k-pop idols are not helping me this time. Its always her on my mind. But ill try my best to distract myself because i feel very one sided. Its prolly not but kinda is . idk. But i'm also behaving the same way with her ig? i talk about idols and behave like they're the only ones on my mind when its absolutely false. I'm sure its not the same for her tho. she really isnt that whipped for me lol. and thats okay. ill keep trying to calm myself down . BUTTT the more i try the more i think. What do i do?

05:36am (17/11/2023)

we had a talk yesterday and it hit a nerve, It hit a wrong spot and now idk what i feel anymore. It was hurting. My heart felt like it would explode. I felt too much that i dont feel it now. No i'm not over her. It'll take time for sure but something snapped for sure. I'm taking a break today, from her. I need to analyze my feelings and emotions and think. I need to be ready for whatever is about to come. and i will be, Im strong and i can do it.

I never spoke about this or wrote it here but i think i should now. I need to analyze my feelings and write it out. I like her. i like her a lot. It was all happy happy at first, just us flirting. It wasnt that serious. But it did get serious later. A lot of feelings got involved. I know i know that she has a boyfriend and that i am a second option. I know its genuine and she really likes me. But i sometimes i wish the other way around. Everytime she mentions her boyfriend, its like a stab in my heart and reality hits me. I get distant for a bit. idk if she notices. its not her fault tho, I cant talk to people about this because i know what they're gonna say. "its all your fault, you knew she was taken but you still chased her. its all on you. you"re stupid for even hoping or wanting something from a straight taken woman" oh dont even get me started on how much it hurts when she tells me shes straight. Its gives me mixed signals. she says she wants to kiss me, hold me and do things with me and then she says shes straight. see i know sexuality is not an easy thing, it takes a lot of time and courage and thinking to come to a conclusion and tbh its okay even if she doesnt, but i cant stop my feelings and my overthinking. what if she doesnt really like me and its really just a phase shes going through. because im confident about the way i feel. i like women, i like her, romantically , emotionally and sexually.

i want her. i want her so bad even if its for a month, i want to experience how it feels like to be in a real relationship with her but i know its impossible. Like that equation doesnt even exist.

yesterday night, when she told me she loved me. i couldnt say it back. I didnt have enough energy to feel things because my heart was already hurting. Thats why im taking a break from her today, Her calling me baby , princess and whatever cute things she does , its making me feel guilty. She shouldnt do those things for me, but i want it . i dont know what im typing honeslty. i just want her so bad but i know i shouldnt. i NEED to tone down now . from my side, ill take the love shes giving me, also reciprocate. but not more than that because even i feel guilty and shes going through things because of me, she says its worth it but is it? i know that one day both of us will move on from this. I'm pretty sure we're gonna think about this and laugh but right now i want her, But i also dont , But i do. lol.

14:04 (21/11/23)

Hi, lol. I feel so much for her. like so so so so much. what we have is so precious and important to me. i dont want to let her go. As a girlfriend, yeah i guess one day we'll have to part, but as a friend? i dont want to lose her. I may sound greedy but along with her girlfriend(idk what we are but lets pretend im her girlfriend) right now, i also want to be her second best friend. Is it too much to ask ? i mean i guess it is. It hasnt been that long but our emotional bond is too strong and idk if ill ever find it anywhere else. Even if i dooo ugh idk i just want her for a long time. Even after we break up and take our time off, i want her to talk to me. This may sound selfish but yeah. I still want her to come nag to me, complain about things and share her problems, emotions etc. Relationship issues, marital issues, friendship issues, work related issues, family issues, financial issue etc like literally anyyything. I want her to feel comfy with me, I will never force her tho. I just hope things turn out this way instead of us completely falling apart. Because if it breaks , im sure itll take more than 2 years for me to open up tp anyone again. After my last ex best friend , i really shut myself off and it was lonely. I do have friends and i know they are always there for me but i cant open up to them. emotionally. But with her i can. So i want her , need her for a long time. We may drift . life is unpredictable and people change so its okay but i hope both of us try our best. I know she said she ignores and ghosts her close friends when she feels something is off and then they drift apart but i want her to really try for us. Idk if it will be worth it for her but i want her to try because i know i will. unless she wants otherwise. lol why am i having such emotions today? this is the first time im feeling this way. with us i mean. okay ill stop now.

26/11/23 22:30

I think I'm in love lol idk I tried so much to not be 'in' love and to just love her but I think I failed at it. I'm even scared to admit it to myself because I'm a coward. I still don't want to admit it to myself. I love her so much . I feel so stupid for loving someone who loves someone else. I was never like this. What is wrong with me? Idk but can it be helped? No. I know I'll move on in the future and everything will fall into place but right now ugh i love her and I feel stupid af. Like really really stupid. I'm never telling this to anyone tho. They'll make fun of me lol. They won't understand. I myself don't understand anything. I'm giving away so much of myself and it's going to take a lot of time for me to get it back like after we break up. Anyways I hope she gets well soon. She must be in a lot of pain. It hurts to even think that she might be in pain ughhhh stupid**inserts my name* get it together.

Come back soon . I feel like a zombie without you

Lol I just looked at my instgram activity and was wondering why I had spent 4 hours on Instagram yesterday when we didn't even talk. Then I realised that we did. It has only been a day but it feels like weeks? Wtf? What is going on with me. I'm scared I'm so so scared.

28/11/23 (23:43)

Happy 2 months to us lol sksksk anyways I didn't miss her yesterday. Probably because I was dealing with my own shit . Doesn't mean I like her any less. I still care . I hope she feels better soon

30/11/23 (00:19)

I googled the recovery rate and the death rate of dengue and I'm more paranoid now. Maybe I'm crying too much because I'm sick . I cry a lot when I fever like it heightens whatever I feel and now I'm worried about everything. Myself , her ahhh.

This is way too scary. New fear unlocked. I don't wanna say it but ugh just the thought of your loved one not being there hurts lol. I think I'll never move on from it. Never. So dear universe or whoever is listening to me , you've been mean to me these days , there are only 2 things that I want the most right now. The most. And I'll do anything for it. 1. Her getting well soon. 2. I need freedom from my life . Which means moving away to another country. I need these so bad. I don't care if I don't die anymore. I know I've always wanted to die and that was the only prayer in my head but now no. I want these 2 . Please please please. I won't be able to take it please ahh I'm crying again. I'm never getting attached to anyone again.

It's December already, please please please I promise that if these two things happen, I WILL NEVER NEVER EVER think about killing myself again. I promise this. I really really really promise you. But , if not , then that's it. You know I've always wanted to die , ever since 2011, so I'm giving up on this if I get the things I want. Atleast the 1st one. I won't be able to live at all.

Why am I crying so much. It's too much to handle. I feel like the nerves in my head will tear open with the strain. Its been long since I cried so much . I know I'm over thinking but why can't I fucking stop. STOP. Okay I'll just sleep .

1/12/23 (00:05)

I didnt miss her at all these last 3 days but i think i miss her a little today. I suddenly think about her and feel like crying. This is not because i miss her but idk. I feel like every bad thing happened to me at once and my mental health is at stake. 1. her being extremely sick with that deadly virus? whatever it is. 2. My uni thing. 3 me falling sick as well. i cant control my emotions when im sick. especiallllyyyy fever. i feel so weak and that stupid fever aftertaste on my tongue is making me wanna puke. i think im sleeping a lot these days. like 16 hours a day or something, maybe physcial and mental exhaustion is catching up to me. fuck this life . anygays idk i hope something good happens please. i wanna cry again lol. crying feels nice all of a sudden . its all because im sick lol. i guess ugh idk fuck this

i slept on the couch yesterday night, i think ill do the same tonight lol. i always sleep on the couch when im sick i guess??? ah im sleepy again. prolly med effect. ill eat and sleep now. i hope my baby feels almost better tomorrow. wow im sleepy af all of a sudden . no energy i think ill fall off byee

01/11/23 (20:16)

Lol i haven't written in so long ahhh yeah idk it's going okay I guess. We were having a call on gmeet with another friend of mine and she spoke about her boyfriend today. Idk what happened to me and why it happened but I cried wtf? Like wtf?????? Idk what to do anymore. It's reality I know but it's hurting. I know I'm just a ummm what am I again? No one omg fuck this

03:20 (18/11/23)

i love you

22:36(uk time zone) 11/02/24

Ah i need you so bad but i yeah i should be understanding. I’ll be. But know that i need you so bad like emotionally but im not brave enough to text you .

15/02/24 1:14pm

I love you . It feels sad now . When i think about her, my brain makes me sad lol. Whenever i imagine fake scenarios with her my brain keeps constantly reminding me that im just delulu and nothing will ever happen. I already know that but lemme be happy? i keep thinking about the break up that will happen soon when she gets engaged. I know there’s time, there’s a lot of time but i can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like it’s always there at the back of my mind. I just wanna be delulu , carefree and happy. I don’t wanna think much okay bye

29/02/24(2:30am)

I hope you dont see this but I’m so sorry. There are so many thoughts running in my head rn. I feel like im ruining something perfect. i mean you and him. I know nothing will change , yall are the end game and i dont want that to change. But the guilt is hittinf me these days. Am i that bad? Am i that selfish? What am i supposed to do? Shouldi stop? I dont want to stop but i dont want to be so selfish. Am i really a homewrecker? fuck

(12:06)

(PLEASE DONT READ THIS IM BEGGING YOU)

Ouch. That stung. Very bad. Ahh i can feel my heart breaking into pieces and im having a breakdown. I feel so so so helpless. I really can't do anything about this. I have no way out now do i? Please universe please please help me please.

I'll do anything. Hold me from breaking apart every time. I should be used to this by now?

Right? It's been so long. It should be normal. But as the days go by i can't take it. I'm breaking so bad. This is why i hate love so much. Only pain and hurt. But do you think i can let go? No. The most dumb and stupid award should be given to me. I hate everything

6:46 (19/8/24)

I want a day where it doesn't hurt me anymore.

But i guess that day will be the day im not in love anymore and I've completely lost feelings. I dont want that.

7:06

I love myself too much. I want to be happy. I will be happy. Me me me me and only me.

Every time i close my eyes her Instagram story flashes ahhh i want amnesia. I want to hid my head somewhere and lose all my 24 years memories. It hurts THAT much. Or maybe I'm over reacting too much. Its prolly the latter lol ok.

But i know its something she can't help too so lol both of us are helpless. Im just opening up here and she's not. Now i need to give my brain some rest. I'll be offline the whole day to heal

7:47

Why do you keep hurting me so much. Why do you always sabotage us for everything. Every minor inconvenience you get you let it affect us. Bro even on our one year anniversary? Is it not special to you? I’m so hurt but I’m even scared to tell you that. I think I’m starting to suffocate

[deardudedash]

Dear God I guess 12-10-22

It feels easier to start writing when I feel I have someone to write to, writing for me is like breathing, easier than speaking a lot of times. Hemmingway once said " there is nothing to it, you just sit down at a type writer and bleed." That's not word for word, nor should you expect this journal to be something one might submit to their english teacher. This is not that. Ive never been that. That sort of perfection. Ive only ever been me, and thats all I know how to be. ( big sigh) So it seems in this life...thats just all kinds of wrong. Its hard to sit with, to shoulder, to feel that alone. Ive gotten tired of trying to prove myself or explain myself. But this , this here, this is for me. Its all the things knowone ever gives you space to say without casting their own narrative, or assumptions, stigma or bias. We live in a really loud world , its hard to tune it out. The curse of being intutitive i guess. Teaches you self reliance , but knowone ever said that was a road anyone willingly chose , more like forged onward bc there is no other choice. If you are caught in a storm out in the wilderness you dont just lay down and die, you keep going till your body can't breathe anymore. There isn't really anything else to do but to carry on each day. I always feel that is a shame in this life , that so often its just about surviving , and then what is the point ? Some are born with out a chance in hell , and others doomed. In my case as I often say purgatory. So it seems we are either fighting for our lives or being hung from a window by a person named boredom.

I've never felt this alone in my life. I've always had coping mechanism that could keep me afloat in hard times, but hard times keep a flowin. Its impossible these days to sustain a sense of happiness or at the very least peace.Society is addicted to the act of controlling one another. Its weird, but the world we live in, one that disturbs me at my very core. I was born free, and Ill die that way, if dieing is what it takes.

Ive gotten to a place where I have to sit with the fact I don't really have anyone I can trust. I have my child and dogs who cares about me, but that doesn't count bc I am responsible to care for them. So that very harsh reality of sitting with that I dont have anyone who cares about me, not in my actual life, and thats been so hard, to feel uncared for. Bc as par usual and as it has always been. I am always the person who loves more, who opens their heart more, and as much as I have tried to be different. I can't , bc its not who I am, I can't prevent open heartedness, it is innate , so the only way to protect myself is to keep away from people all together, its my only armour.

I just dont really understand the point of anything these days when it always ends up the same way , in some painful obscure ending

[sunnnfish]

Hi kiri. I can’t contain my thoughts and actions in the tags anymore so here we are.

KKKIIIIIIIIIIIRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIII AAAAAAAUAUUUUUUUUUUHHHGGGGGG started screenshotting this like it was the real goddamn book. We’re going through this piece by piece so help me god. Realized I can’t put that many screenshots so we’re just quoting This is gonna take a while huh.

“It fits with their preconceived notions, huh?”

THEMATIC preconceived notions late combined with the sentiments of concealment and controlling those preconceived notions. Etc etc

“So, they’re kind of fragile,” I observed, “even if they’re made to look nicer.”

“Well, they certainly look pretty—the bright colors can enhance how distinct the banding is, so you could argue the dye only enhances the best features of agat and other types of chalcedony, but…”

“…But?”

“Dying stones is really common for selling fakes,”

Whooole conversation about dyed agate. It was at this point I made the connection of dyed agate=dyed hair. And again combined with later discussions of beauty and concealment and enhancement. Kind of fragile, even if they look nicer. The dye enhances the best features. Dying commonly used for selling fakes. Very metaphorical. To me

dying stones felt more like concealment that enhancement. And then I remembered what I likely wasn’t meant to hear—surely that dyed agate is prettier—and reached up to my forehead.

DIDNT EVEN REALIZE THIS. THE CONCEALMENT-ENHANCEMENT MENTION BEFORE HANZAWA SHOWED UP. Surely the dyed agate is prettier. augh.

Now that we were face to face again, though, the Riga arose of university had all but disappeared from my mind, and I watched his face contort into an expression halfway between awkwardness and concert. The awkwardness was a given—I hadn’t expected to run into him either. Half the reason for his concern was a girl from my university who I’d just learned was called Kaede. And the other half of his concern—a quarter of his total expression—was in response to seeing me, who’d just been shoved into the side of a building.

…

I felt a little ill-at-ease seeing the sheer expressiveness on his face. Of course, it made sense that he’d be so frazzled, considering what had just happened to his friend, but it was uncomfortable to see his lack of composure. Like this, he looked like an ordinary, unremarkable teenager.

PUT HIM IN THE PIT god hes so just. Teenager here. He’s awkward and concerned and like. Doesnt know what to do. ALSO PUTTING IN KAEDE KIRI YOU MAD GENIUS… back to hanzawa though. So out of his depth and ill-composed. BUT THEN

Amidst the commotion, Hanzawa stayed level-headed, guiding Kaede through the motions of making a report. Even though he wasn’t a student at my university—a fact that was strangely relieving to confirm—it was like he’d gone through this process before.

IT WAS LIKE HED GONE THROUGH THIS PROCESS BEFOOOOORRREEEEE…… also seigi being relieved they dont go to the same school. Seigi being so disconcerted by hanzawas. Everything. Maybe has to do with the way seigi and tashiro are so similar and have such reactions to hanzawa. Confused and disconcerted but also very concerned. Im normal.

“Richard is—he’s almost too incredible, I think. I’m lucky to work there.”

Hanzawa considered by statement carefully, and then asked, “Is it—and I could be overstepping, here, but—is it kind of a… scary feeling?”

“No, you’re right,” I said, feeling a euphoric rush of shared understanding. “It’s—I’m happy, of course. It’s impossible not to be. But it almost makes everything else pale in comparison—“

“And you being to wonder where you’d be without it,” Hanzawa concluded, perfectly reading my mind.

I sighed. “I mean… it’s not like this will be my job forever, you know? But still, compared to going to university, whenever it’s the weekend, I feel like I’m ten times as real. Like I exist as… I don’t know, more than I am.”

“As in… you’re able to express yourself more?” Hanzawa asked.

[EXPLOSIONS AND SIRENS AND GUNSHOTS AND CAR CRASHES] AAAAAUUUUUUUGHUGYFTYDRTUIPPIOIUHGGGGGHHUUUBHBUBUUU A SCARY FEELING….. seigi who wears all that on his sleeve all his admiration and fear and well. Love. And hanzawa who does feel the same things who doesnt know what he’d do without. [redacted]. Being around this other person makes them feel more. More expressive and open and like themselves and not under layers of masks and performance. Im normal.

“I see what you mean,” he finally replied as he sipped his coffee. “In a way, Richard-san’s store feels like… a place that’s too good to be true, it could be said?”

“That’s exactly it!” I exclaimed. “And then once you meet Richard, it’s like… he’s a fairy prince or something that’s descended on the mortal world…”

Hanzawa fell into a sudden coughing fit.

…

“How nice…” It was impossible not to hear the wistful edge in Hanzawa’s voice. He seemed to hear it too, because he added, “Well, I do wish you two the best,” with a knowing smile.

Hanzawa taking so much psychic damage from seigi. Boys we got another one who thinks Richard and seigi are for real dating and/or married and/or deeply in love. Also the way he lets that wistful edge out and quickly keeps going to like. Cover it up.

But I’d always thought of it as… having something to hide, I guess.” I felt like a fool as soon as the words left my mouth.

“Well,” Hanzawa said, still low and quiet, “I suppose we are aiming to hide that bruise of yours. But there is value even in concealment, I think.” A wry smile graced his mouth.

Their entire conversations about makeup and concealment and enhancement im for real going crazy does anybody want anything. There’s value in concealment. Covering up bruises and cuts and scars. Something that’s not supposed to be there.

“…Don’t people also value the truth, though?” I asked.

The shade Hanzawa had tested was far darker than it had looked in the tube. He paused over my hand, and without lifting his head, said, “Perhaps I’m being cynical… but I think most people only value the truth when it is beautiful.” He paused to dab a different concealer on my hand. “I don’t think you’re wrong—people do value authenticity. That’s exactly why so many makeup advertisements discuss how to achieve a natural look, or how to enhance your natural features by smoothing out ‘imperfections’… we’ve defined a kind of beauty that is meant to emulate reality but that doesn’t mean it is reality.”

It’s so over for me. Even down to the shade looked far darker than it looked in the tube. The way things are presented to the world hiding a darker shade inside. Who knows if that part was on purpose but it WORKS. People only value truth when its beautiful. Striving for fake authenticity. The “natural look.” Im very disjointed right now i just keep rereading and like. ITS ALL CONNECTED YKNOW. AND METAPHORICAL. AND SO SO SO GOOD. Smooth out imperfections. Look natural in a way thats too good to be true. It’s so OVER for ME

“A few things, I think,” Hanzawa said. “You’re both… open to many new experiences,” Though the fondness in his voice was palpable, it was deeply careful, like he was letting me know the shades of some terrible secret.

“You don’t find them exciting?”

“And equally likely to be hurtful,” he rebutted, though not aggressively.

[SIRENS AND EXPLOSIONS AND CAR CRASHES AND GUNSHOTS] hey kiri did you know you’ve somehow created the perfect blend of the jeweler Richard and ssmy light novel writing styles. Like. Kghr light novel “It’s not like i was going to say anything terrible.” And then like. I could not pinpoint or describe what makes this also feel like jeweler Richard but just trust me. The fondness in his voice was palpable[EXPLODES]

“The kind of people that do are amazing to me,” Hanzawa said. “Whether it’s simply a matter of liking it or wanting to be deviant from the norm—I think there’s a great strength in accepting oneself as anomalous.”

TITLE NAME DROP !!!! And the way hes dancing around queer themes like ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh[explodes]

…Was it really because of his older sister that he’d learned how to do makeup? Or was that just the easiest explanation?

The way this line kinda shifted my entire worldview just a bit. Messed with my molecules. Was that just the easiest explanation……. Thats so so real

Okay im out of direct quotes now just general thoughts. 1) REALLY REALLY GOOD as i said before it’s just a perfect blend of ssmy and jeweler Richard writing styles and like your own like its unreal. 2) everything else. The beginning section with tanimoto and her entire personality and explanations are sooo good. Also the metamorphism explanation was like. Not like. funny but just like enjoyable due to the poll you did. Like yeah ive heard the word and remember learning it was about rocks but i did not know the specifics. Thank you tanimoto. And kiri.

And again fitting in Kaede so naturally like oh my god. And the everything with hanzawa. His discomfort and concern at his friend being harassed and his curiosity about seigi and inviting him out and like the general way you describe him is sooooooo. Like. The way he curls his fingers around his cups looking so loose that the cup should just slip right out. Long fingers and trimmed nails. The way he cant hide the emotion in his voice. The way he speaks so metaphorically about everything. And SEIGIS whole reactions and thoughts about everything. The way he picks up on things and internalizes them but doesn’t really point them out. Just. Really really good. My god. And youre telling me theres gonna be MORE…… kiri this series is going to kill me dead i swear. Peace and love on planet earth i love you.

the anomalous agate (part two)

now: here's what some of you actually wanted to see yesterday.

a quick rundown for anyone who has no idea what this is: here's ch 1 on tumblr and ao3. I posted an updated version of ch 1 yesterday that flows a bit nicer, and recommend checking that out if you haven't already.

and, while it's even less necessary to do, consider checking this post out, too. the context in which it was written is kind of... irrelevant to this fic, honestly, but it provides a bit of background that I think enhances some of what's going on in this chapter and the next one (that I haven't written yet).

with that out of the way, this chapter is over 7k, so here's the ao3 link if you prefer. (there's also a bit of a longer author's note there at the end) if you'd like to stick to tumblr, follow me under the cut.

case 2-x: the anomalous agate (part two)

Even the usually oblivious Tanimoto-san noticed my listless mood in the following days. It wasn’t unusual for me to worry or speculate about my clients—everyone who stepped into Richard’s store certainly had some kind of interesting quality, but something about Hanzawa tugged oddly at my chest.

To complicate matters, I was pretty sure I wasn’t the only one feeling that way. Richard had spent Sunday carrying on as usual, but every once in a while, he’d drift into his thoughts and his brows would furrow like something was bothering him. This wasn’t a trait unique to Hanzawa’s presence, but this was possibly the first time I’d seen Richard look genuinely unsettled instead of troubled.

It wasn’t an expression I liked seeing on his face.

“Seigi-kun, you seem deep in thought,” Tanimoto-san said. “Something on your mind?” 

Class had ended. I flipped aimlessly through the pages of the book on gemstones I’d borrowed from Richard before tucking it into my bag. Somehow, I didn’t quite feel as if I could meet her eyes. “You mentioned there were many gems that did heat treatment, right?” I asked as we began to shuffle out of the classroom. 

She responded with less cheer than usual, and I felt dejected to be the cause. “Oh, yes… not just corundum,” she said. “Beryl and quartz, too. That encompasses a large quantity of jewels which are just named as different forms of these materials, really… heat treatment is used often to change their color. Apart from deepening the red of a ruby, there’s aquamarine—a type of beryl—which is most commonly green-blue. Heat treatment tends to enhance the blue color and really give it that expected ‘aqua’ color. One of the most dramatic transformations, to me, is amethyst—it can turn a deep orange when it’s treated with heat.” 

“Ah—I saw that last weekend,” I said. “It’s meant to mimic citrines, right?”

“Citrines tend to be a paler yellow, actually,” Tanimoto-san said. “But they’re rare—especially ones with a deep orange color. That’s why heat-treatment of amethysts is so common.” She sighed, gaze drifting off in space as we headed to her next class. “When we think of the term ‘citrus,’ the first thing that comes to mind is often an orange, despite the variety of citrus fruits in other colors. Sometimes I wonder if that’s the reason people mistake amethysts for citrine so easily.” 

“It fits with their preconceived notions, huh?” I said, earning an approving nod from Tanimoto-san. “I still remember what you said before—about wanting to appreciate the stones as they were without heat treatment. I thought that was a really beautiful idea.”

She smiled. “I’m glad you think so, Seigi-kun,” she said. We came to a halt in front of her next classroom, but she didn’t go inside just yet. “But we’d talked about this already… is there something else you wanted to ask me?” 

I swallowed around an uncomfortable bit of air. We were early for her class—it wasn’t a particularly long walk from classroom to classroom, but I liked spending time with her—but she usually went directly inside. It’s so nice of her to take time out of her day to worry about me, I thought. But again, I knew that I must have been really out of sorts for her to notice. 

“It was just mentioned in passing,” I said at her prompting, “But… well, a client was discussing agate, and I heard that some of them were dyed. Is that a common process?” 

Her expression immediately soured. For a minute I thought I’d stepped on some kind of conversational landmine, but though she looked unhappy, she spoke without malice. “It’s—not uncommon, no. Agate is porous, so it absorbs dye well, as do any stones like it.” I could see her turning over her words with care. “But… while heat treatment is an irreversible process, dyeing tends to be less effective. The color can fade over time, especially under sunlight, and it may not stain evenly. And depending on what dye is used, it can be removed with solvents like acetone… so it’s a process that’s much less certain.” 

“So, they’re kind of fragile,” I observed, “even if they’re made to look nicer.” 

“Well, they certainly look pretty—the bright colors can enhance how distinct the banding is, so you could argue the dye only enhances the best features of agate and other types of chalcedony, but…” 

“…But?” 

“Dyeing stones is really common for selling fakes,” she said. “And well—I just think that’s inexcusable, to conceal the truth like that. Even though dyed stones can be detected, that’s usually only after they’re sold, right? And this often happens with online purchases, so… I can’t help but feel resentful.” She frowned. “And every time I’ve traveled to see something related to rocks, the gift shop always carried those tumbled and dyed stones! It’s hard to find anything else…” 

“That must be tough,” I said, though it was hard to suppress a smile at the thought of Tanimoto-san scowling in the middle of a gift shop. She usually seemed so magnanimous, and it was nice to see that she had her weak points, too. 

She pouted. “I know it’s a petty reason, okay!” she said. A touch more melancholy, she added, “But every time I see them, I want to stand up and yell at everyone that rocks and minerals are more interesting than that, because it feels like these polished stones and other kinds of jewels are the only kind of beauty that people care about. For all kinds of rocks and minerals… I don’t think they possess a beauty that is just skin-deep. But when you limit the conversation to just rocks, because they look so different, the interests just don’t overlap…” She glanced up at me, seemed to realize that the type of person she was talking about was right next to her, and hurried to clarify. “Ah—I didn’t mean that as a strike against you though, Seigi-kun.” 

“No, I totally understand,” I quickly reassured her. “I mean, in an ideal world, that’s how we want to think of other people, too, right? Without judging based on the outside alone. And I think anyone would want to share their interest with more people. So, if what you like is rarer, or unappreciated, it feels sad, right?” 

“Right,” Tanimoto-san said. She smiled. “…I really am glad we get to talk about gemstones. I always feel like I end up hearing something interesting.” 

Not for the first time, I thought that Tanimoto-san was some kind of angel. I truly didn’t have any questions about rocks to reciprocate with, except— “There’s a few rocks that do count as gemstones, right?” I asked. “Like lapis lazuli.” 

“You remembered!” Tanimoto-san exclaimed. “Lapis lazuli’s a particularly special rock, you know,” she said, a gleam in her eyes. “Historically, it was used to make this very expensive blue paint…” 

“Ah—ultramarine, right?” 

“Exactly!” Tanimoto-san said, clapping her hands in excitement. “Seems like you’re already an expert on it, Seigi-kun.” 

“I just heard it in passing,” I explained sheepishly. “That customer from before—he and my boss talked about ultramarine for a bit.” I paused to recollect the various times I’d spotted the stone in Jewelry Étranger. “Though, the stone looks so unbelievable to me on its own that it feels strange to think it would ever be used for paint…”  

“It is one of the beauties of metamorphism,” Tanimoto-san agreed. Or at least, I was assuming she was. 

“Sorry, but… what exactly is metamorphism again?” I asked. “I feel like I’ve heard the term before, and I just don’t remember.” 

Despite the various expressions I’d put on her face today and in all the other conversations we’d had, this was the first time I’d ever seen Tanimoto-san look truly dumbfounded. It took me a while to even realize that was the expression on her face, until she cleared her throat and said, “I guess you said yourself you didn’t know much about rocks, but… well, I thought this was common knowledge, and maybe it… isn’t?” Worriedly, like she’d just learned she was privy to a secret for which she hadn’t voluntarily been made a confidant, she asked, “I mean, everyone knows that the three common classifications of rocks are sedimentary, igneous, and metamorphic, right?”  

“…That rings a bell?” I said unconvincingly. 

Her eyes flickered towards the classroom—she had only a few minutes before her next class started, so I imagined she would head inside, but instead she squared her shoulders, formed a distinctly “Golgo” look on her face, and said, “Well—metamorphic rocks are basically a type of rock that’s actually a combination of other rocks and minerals. So that’s how lapis lazuli has that beautiful gold coloring—it comes from the pyrite that’s part of the rock. The main blue comes from lazurite, but there’s many more mineral components that are mixed in with an average lapis lazuli.” 

“And metamorphism is how these rocks form?” 

“Right,” Tanimoto-san said. “Basically, they’re put under a lot of heat and pressure, and because of that, the composition of the rock ends up changing—so, for lapis lazuli, all these separate things fuse—or the crystal structure shifts, which is a kind of complicated thing to explain… But by the end, the new rock is distinct when compared to the simple sum of its parts. Something like marble or slate… you wouldn’t call simply a combination of other things, right?” 

“I would never have known unless you told me… that’s amazing,” I marveled. “In a way… it’s kind of nature’s own heat treatment, huh?” 

“That’s true,” Tanimoto-san said. “Just one without any motivation.”

This was something that had always fascinated me regarding jewels. Of course, it was untrue that they existed without human involvement. But before any human had laid eyes upon it, lapis lazuli had always been that brilliant combination of blue and gold. That, to me, was something like a miracle.

“You must have had an interesting customer this week, right?” Tanimoto-san guessed.

I shook myself out of my thoughts. “What?” 

“Well, Seigi-kun, you’re always curious,” she said, “So maybe it’s nothing. But this time you look like you really want to say something to someone.” She tapped the space between her brows. “Don’t let it give you wrinkles, though!” 

With that, she hurried into class, taking her seat just a few seconds before the professor began her lecture. I was left standing dumbly in the hallway, stuck with my swirling thoughts. Though I’d glossed over it at first, I supposed I was of the same mind as Tanimoto-san; dyeing stones felt more like concealment than enhancement. And then I remembered what I likely wasn’t meant to hear—surely that dyed agate is prettier—and reached up to my forehead.

Sure enough, I was frowning. I wanted to pull out my phone and text Richard something along the lines of This is your fault, but that would be truly nonsensical, and really, what I wanted wasn’t to assign something like blame. But since I couldn’t just run to him, I decided to follow Tanimoto-san’s advice and smooth out my expression. 

———

“Ah… Nakata-san?”

Richard had said that most serendipitous encounters were just a natural consequence of learning more about the world, but I was pretty sure this situation was the exclusive work of strange fortune. Though I doubted this surprise encounter would go as badly as the last one had, the sharp sense of déjà vu kept me wary.

Still, I inhaled a breath of crisp morning air, and replied, “It’s alright to call me Seigi.”

I was looking up at the face of Hanzawa Masato, who truthfully had been the furthest thing from my mind in the past few days. That space in my brain had been usurped and summarily overwhelmed by the tedium of classes and assignments. If I had to learn how to draw another kind of economic model using another set of conditions and parameters, my head was going to burst. In fact, my head ached at the thought alone.

Now that we were face to face again, though, the rigamarole of university had all but disappeared from my mind, and I watched his face contort into an expression halfway between awkwardness and concern. The awkwardness was a given—I hadn’t expected to run into him either. Half the reason for his concern was a girl from my university who I’d just learned was called Kaede. And the other half of his concern—a quarter of his total expression—was in response to seeing me, who’d just been shoved into the side of a building.

Maybe that was the reason my head ached. It was certainly the reason I was sitting down and staring up at him.

“Are you okay?” Kaede fretted. She had sunk into a worried crouch in front of me, hands hovering around my head like she could divine the nature of my injuries. 

I pressed a hand to my cheek, which was stinging, but didn’t feel scraped, and hauled myself upright. Any dizziness I’d felt had faded, and though one of my arms felt numb, I’d gotten worse injuries doing karate. “I’m fine,” I said. “It’s just a surface-level injury. Probably looks worse than it is. Are you alright?” 

“I’m fine—not a scratch!” she reported, standing up to demonstrate her lack of injury. “I had no idea he would do that, though. I’m so sorry—” 

“Don’t be,” I cut in before she could self-flagellate. “It’s not your fault at all.” 

Were I feeling charitable, I’d point out that I didn’t think the guy in question had even meant to push me into a wall—he’d just meant to push me and bolt. But he was also the kind of asshole that cornered people against the side of a building, so I wasn’t going to defend him in the slightest. 

“What happened?” Hanzawa asked.

I felt a little ill-at-ease seeing the sheer expressiveness on his face. Of course, it made sense that he’d be so frazzled, considering what had just happened to his friend, but it was uncomfortable to see his lack of composure. Like this, he looked like an ordinary, unremarkable teenager.

Kaede wrung her hands, stumbling through her words. “I—you know that senior who was bothering me? Well, he cornered me, and we started arguing, and then”—she gestured in my direction—“he hit him and ran away.” 

“I heard shouting, so I came over here,” I added when Hanzawa looked to me for further explanation.

It was really as simple as that. After exiting a horrendously early class, I’d heard arguing near the shadowed side of the building. And once I’d seen Kaede telling the other guy to leave her alone, I’d intervened without hesitation. He’d started aggressively posturing at me before shoving me to the side and running away.

The sharp spike of adrenaline I’d felt at the time was now wearing off, and my injuries began to twinge. I took a deep breath, and in an effort not to dash after the guy, I suggested, “We should make a report or something.” 

“Oh, right,” Kaede said, fishing out her phone. “There’s like… campus administration or something, right? Let me find out wherever it’s located.” She paused in thought. “Wait… do you two know each other?” 

“We just met by coincidence once,” I said, figuring that Hanzawa would value his privacy.

It was enough of an answer for Kaede, who just laughed and said, “Masato-kun knows, like, everyone, so it’s not really a surprise!” 

I was relieved to see that she didn’t seem too shaken by everything.

Soon enough, we were pointed the way of campus authorities, and I learned the full story while Kaede made her report. Apparently, this guy had been bothering her for a while after they’d met at a mixer—he’d seen her waiting to meet up with Hanzawa, and then blown up at her when she declined to spend time with him. Since he already had quite a few conduct violations on his record, the administration assured us that they’d act quickly. 

Their urgency might have also been prompted by the blatant injury on my face. Every time someone turned to face me, they would reflexively wince at the circle of reddened skin on my cheek. I’d seen it in a mirror while getting my injuries checked out—I was officially deemed concussion-free, which was a relief—and had flinched at my own reflection in surprise.

Amidst the commotion, Hanzawa stayed level-headed, guiding Kaede through the motions of making a report. Even though he wasn’t a student at my university—a fact which was strangely relieving to confirm—it was like he’d gone through this process before. I thought he’d escort Kaede home, too, but once everything had been squared away, she called some of her university friends to pick her up. They arrived with a slew of inventive insults that seemed to cheer Kaede up in an instant. She thanked me again as we swapped numbers, and then she waved us goodbye as she was whisked away by her friends. 

“You’re not going with her?” I asked. 

“Her other friends will be much better at taking her mind off things,” he said. “Besides, they all go to your university, so they can accompany her during classes.” He turned to face me as he spoke, and though he didn’t wince, his gaze lingered on my cheek.

“I’m alright,” I said. “I even got an ice pack when we were making the report.”  

“Still…” Hanzawa said. Hesitantly, he asked, “Could I treat you to lunch? Or a coffee?” 

The sun was high in the sky. On one hand, I wasn’t particularly hungry, but coffee sounded nice, and I didn’t have classes until later this evening. On the other hand, Hanzawa looked like he was already regretting the offer.

But Tanimoto-san was right; I had a few things I wanted to say to him. And despite his hesitation, it looked like Hanzawa felt the same. 

“Sure,” I said. “You can pick the place.” 

———

Hanzawa’s coffee order was a little more complicated than mine. Hearing him rattle off his order made me realize that Richard was right to only offer tea at his shop. The café he’d picked out was like many of the other cafés I’d been to—peaceful, atmospheric, and a neutral ground for conversations. Once we’d taken our seats, we each waited in a brittle kind of silence.

Hanzawa began to fiddle with his phone, and I took it as a clear indication he wasn’t ready to talk. My coffee arrived first, so I savored it while gazing through one of the café windows. Outside, the weather had snapped into a bitter frost, as it seemed wont to do whenever I wasn’t looking. I shivered a little—even inside the temperature-regulated café, I’d dressed a little lightly for the cold—and let the coffee’s steam curl against my skin. Though I couldn’t call myself a connoisseur, I’d begun to appreciate coffee for more than its caffeine. 

It was just one more thing I’d learned how to treasure since I’d met Richard. Thinking of him, I reflexively touched my face. We weren’t anywhere near Ginza, but I could imagine the shop’s entrance in front of me as I stared out the window.

“Is there something you’re worried about?” 

I started, noting that Hanzawa’s coffee had appeared between his hands. He held the cup strangely, his fingers curled around the sides without any pressure; I worried that it might slip from his fingers if he tried to lift it. Still, the pose seemed so natural for him that I wondered if he’d held the tea at Jewelry Étranger the same way, and I just hadn’t noticed. Like that time, any initial hesitation of his had melted away into a self-assured grace.

“I was just thinking…” I replied, tapping my reddened skin, “it’s going to bruise.” 

“Ah,” Hanzawa said. His eyes darted around the room—he could probably sense the curious looks I’d gotten, too, but that wasn’t my main concern. “You’re worried about your weekend work, I assume?” 

“No, it’s—actually, yeah, I am,” I said, cutting off my instinctive denial. First Tanimoto-san, and now Hanzawa… I wondered if my face was just becoming easier to read. 

“I doubt a bruised face is good for customer service,” he added, clarifying exactly where my thoughts had headed.

I explained, “I’d rather not scare the customers, and it’s something I’ve done even without my face like this, so…”

“That would be troubling,” Hanzawa said. “I’d apologize for the situation, but…”

“There’s no need for apologies,” I stressed. “You and Kaede already thanked me, and there’s no need to apologize for someone else’s mistakes.”

Still holding the cup as if it were air, Hanzawa slowly sipped his coffee. My attention was drawn to his fingers, which were exceptionally long, and neatly trimmed at the nails. “I’m glad you think so, Seigi—it’s alright to call you that, yes?” When I nodded, he set his cup down and made a confession: “I’m not entirely without ulterior motives, though—it’s not every day you meet someone with your job, you know? I like hearing from interesting people, so this is just me indulging in my curiosity, really. What was the application process like?”

“Ah… I didn’t quite apply,” I answered. Maybe I’d just developed a streak of cynicism, but I didn’t believe that he had invited me to coffee out of pure curiosity. I briefly imagined someone taking my place—making tea, talking with Richard, and learning about our clients—and felt a wave a jealousy so strong that I added, “I don’t really think he’s looking to hire anyone new…” 

Hanzawa laughed. “Don’t worry, I’m just asking out of curiosity. I’m not looking for a job right now.”  

“Ah,” I said, and drank some of my coffee to cover my embarrassment. “Anyways, even when we first met, I don’t think he was looking to hire anyone.”

“Is that so?” Hanzawa asked, a clear prompt for me elaborate.

I had no desire to do so. Instead, I was distracted by the thought of Hanzawa as an employee of Jewelry Étranger. He seemed like he would excel at any job related to customer service, particularly when it came to making conversation. Even now, though I was conscious of the fact that he was leading the conversation, it didn’t bother me. But he wouldn’t know what sweets Richard liked best, or how to watch his expressions to figure out if he was enjoying them. And he wouldn’t know how to brew royal milk tea—not that I’d known that, either…

“I approached him about a family heirloom of mine, and he offered me a job afterwards,” I finally summed up.

Thankfully, Hanzawa didn’t pry any further. “I can see why,” he said. “Something about you must have been unique enough to convince him, right?” 

“…You think so?” I asked, ducking my head. It was amazing how one word—unique—was enough to dispel my worries. Saying I had a talent for recognizing beauty—that already made me feel like the most special person in the world. The implication that Richard recognizing that had been a testament to my uniqueness was unbelievably flustering. Rather than think about it for too long, I downed my coffee. 

“I just thought that if he wasn’t looking to hire someone,” Hanzawa said, “it means that you must have been important enough to ask for, anyways. The atmosphere at your store would make one think you two had been friends for years.” 

I felt warmer than usual. “I just… guess we aligned somehow,” I murmured, feeling a need to deflect the compliment. As much as I privately liked to think of our meeting as “fate,” hearing it from a veritable stranger was something else. “Richard is—he’s almost too incredible, I think. I’m lucky to work there.” 

Hanzawa considered my statement carefully, and then asked, “Is it—and I could be overstepping, here, but—is it kind of a… scary feeling?” 

“No, you’re right,” I said, feeling a euphoric rush of shared understanding. “It’s—I’m happy, of course. It’s impossible not to be. But it almost makes everything else pale in comparison—” 

“And you begin to wonder where you’d be without it,” Hanzawa concluded, perfectly reading my mind.

I sighed. “I mean… it’s not like this will be my job forever, you know? But still, compared to going to university, whenever it’s the weekend, I feel like I’m ten times as real. Like I exist as… I don’t know, more than I am.” 

“As in… you’re able to express yourself more?” Hanzawa asked. 

I shook my head. “No, it’s like… I’m a more impressive person, even though nothing about me changes,” I said. “It feels like my actions have more meaning. And my world keeps expanding, each time.” When he didn’t respond, still wrapping his head around my words, I added, “…It might be a bit strange to blabber on and on about my job satisfaction. But I really think that being able to work where I do is a miracle of some kind.” 

“I see what you mean,” he finally replied as he sipped his coffee. “In a way, Richard-san’s store feels like… a place that’s too good to be true, it could be said?” 

“That’s exactly it!” I exclaimed. “And then once you meet Richard, it’s like… he’s a fairy prince or something that’s descended on the mortal world…” 

Hanzawa fell into a sudden coughing fit. 

I scrambled out of my seat, but he weakly waved me off, and so I stood over the table, watching him regain control of his throat. “Are you alright?” 

He took a few deep breaths. “I’m fine,” he said, though he looked obviously embarrassed as he met my eyes. “I was just—taken off guard, I guess. You must really respect Richard-san. Have you… told him this?” 

With a new understanding as to why Kaede had so uselessly hovered around me, I slipped back into my own seat. “Well, of course,” I said slowly, wondering what I wasn’t getting. “I needed to express my gratitude to him.” 

Hanzawa stared up at the ceiling like he’d received some kind of divine revelation. “And he reacted… well?” he ventured. 

I suddenly remembered the many, many times Richard had scolded me for speaking without considering the implications, and I grimaced. “I’m not great with words, so I’ve definitely put my foot in my mouth a few times, but… sincerity is worth the embarrassment, I think,” I said, refraining from adding that I liked to think it was at least part of the reason he’d hired me. “And, though he’s annoyingly mysterious sometimes, he’s sincere to me, too.” 

“How nice…” It was impossible not to hear the wistful edge in Hanzawa’s voice. He seemed to hear it too, because he added, “Well, I do wish you two the best,” with a knowing smile. 

It wasn’t hard to pick up on the distance in his voice. Despite talking about Richard and the shop, Hanzawa hadn’t once mentioned his own visit or his upcoming appointment.

Before I could prod him about it, Hanzawa cleared his throat and asked, “You’ve finished your coffee?”

I looked down at my cup, which had been empty for quite a while. “Yeah,” I said, bracing for a quick goodbye.

A strange look passed over Hanzawa’s face as he drained his cup, and he set it down on the table with a soft clink. His gaze moved sideways—I followed his line of sight, but it led nowhere. “If—if the bruising is a problem,” Hanzawa haltingly began, “I could… I might have a solution.” 

The words looked painful for him to say. “You’re already treating me to coffee,” I assured. “There’s no need to do me another favor.” 

He shook his head, firmer. “This… as I said, this was kind of a selfish request, anyways. If you’re willing, I’d be happy to help.” 

I wasn’t about to turn down the chance to hear him talk. Maybe, if I gathered enough courage, I’d even be able to ask him about dyed stones. “Well… what did you have in mind?” 

———

Much like the first time I’d visited the jewelry section of a department store, I was beginning to feel overwhelmed. This time, it wasn’t at the sight of diamonds as far as the eye could see, but of the bright lights, glossy photos, and shelves upon shelves of products I wasn’t sure how to name. I half-recognized some of the brand names scattered around the store, but otherwise felt wholly out of my depth. 

Were it not for the presence of a guide, I’d have never come here. But Hanzawa was shifting his feet next to me, a skittish look in his eyes like he was convinced I’d back out at any moment. That was the same way he���d broached the subject, too, saying, “Well… you could probably cover that bruise with makeup,” in a tone so soft I’d barely heard him.

“How?” I’d asked, pouncing on the option a little too eagerly. 

Hanzawa drummed his fingers against his empty cup. “It’s pretty easy,” he said. “I could teach you, but we’d have to buy some products, because we don’t have the same skin tone.” He mulled over his next words.

“There’s a department store near here,” I offered. 

At that, he seemed to relax. “My older sister is really into makeup and costuming,” he said with a light laugh, “so I ended up being forced into knowing a few things myself.”

Things moved quickly after that. He paid for my coffee, and I followed him to the nearest department store before he could have too many second thoughts. It wasn’t like I didn’t understand his hesitation—we were still practically strangers, and this was an offer that required considerable involvement on his part. Still, more than anything, I didn’t want to skip work. And as little as I knew Hanzawa, he seemed like the kind of person who would never suggest something that wasn’t an actual solution. 

“You’ll have to lead the way,” I finally prompted.

Hanzawa paused and corrected his posture. “Right,” he said, picked up a basket near the entrance, and then struck a path through the various displays, waving off staff with a polite, inscrutable smile. 

For all he’d been hesitant, Hanzawa navigated the store with a brilliant kind of confidence. Apart from the two of us, there were barely any men in the store, but Hanzawa didn’t look out of place in the slightest. Soon enough we were left to wander around unapproached. 

Finally, we came to a stop in front of a display that carried a variety of tubes in a variety of skin tones. Hanzawa leaned forward to inspect them, and I caught sight of the barely visible piercing holes in his ears.

“You’re not wearing earrings,” I observed. 

He answered me without turning his head. “I suppose it’s a leftover habit from high school,” he said thoughtfully. “I didn’t wear them in class, because—well, it’s a bit of a delinquent look, and I was the president of the disciplinary club.”

That explained why he’d been so composed when helping Kaede earlier. I wonder if he’d acquired that sense of reliability from his time in the club, or if had been the reason he’d joined. “What… am I supposed to get, here?” I asked, pointing at the display.

“To cover your bruise, we’ll need concealer, foundation, and a setting spray, probably? So right now, we’re looking for foundations that match your skin tone. What color do you usually bruise?” 

“…Purple, I guess?” 

“Then we’ll get a yellow color corrector to offset it,” Hanzawa said, plucking a foundation from the shelf. He held it up to the light—the color was kind of close to my skin, I supposed, but there were a lot that looked just like it. 

“How are you supposed to figure out the right color?” I asked. 

“Oh—you can sample it,” Hanzawa said, and he motioned for me to hold my hand out. We swatched various foundations on the back of my hand as Hanzawa explained to me the basic methodology for covering a bruise. The color corrector would negate the purple hues of my bruise, concealer would properly cover it up with my actual skin tone, and foundation would provide a smooth cover that blended with the rest of my face. The setting spray was just to make sure everything held for the entire time I was working. “You’ll probably want makeup brushes, too,” Hanzawa said as he explained how to apply everything. “We can buy some, or I could maybe lend you mine…” 

I could see him trying to work out how to lend me makeup brushes in a way that wouldn’t require an additional meeting. “No, I’ll get one of my own,” I said. 

“You sure?” he asked. 

I nodded. “It’s kind of weird to say this, but… somehow, I feel like this may not be the last time I need something like this?” 

Satisfied with the last foundation we’d tried, Hanzawa showed me how to remove all the makeup on my hand before leading me to another display. There he found a standard set of makeup brushes and gingerly placed it into his basket. “Well, I suppose you do lead quite an exciting life,” he commented. 

“This is the first time I’ve gotten injured,” I said. “But there are a lot of interesting people at Richard’s shop, so I guess I do end up having interesting experiences.” I paused. Like this, actually, I didn’t say, and instead asked, “You mentioned your older sister taught you this?” 

“It’s not really that I was taught,” Hanzawa clarified. “It was more like… a natural consequence of existing around her? I ended up knowing a lot of the terminology, and I’d get dragged to places like these, too. At that point, you have to at least learn the basics.” 

I’d never had a sibling before, so I wondered if it was natural for everyone to pick up skills from their family like this. With my mother, we’d always maintained a certain sense of distance, and with my stepfather overseas, the only one who could maybe qualify as family was Richard. Who I had, indeed, learned a lot from. “And you learned more on your own, afterwards?” 

“Well, at my high school, our cultural festival holds a cross-dressing competition each year—it was an all-boys school, hence the tradition—and I ended up learning a bit more because of that. One of my classmates actually attends cosmetology school, now, which is where I learned how to do this.” He gestured in the direction of my reddened cheek. 

I reached up on instinct, suddenly conscious of the fact that I was walking around with such an obvious injury. I’d attributed the stares of passerby to the fact that I looked out of place in a makeup store, but this was probably the real reason.

Hanzawa studied my face, and his tone gentled. “It’s been a valuable skill to me,” he murmured. “Makeup gives us the ability to beautify.” 

Hand still pressed against my cheek, I confessed, “I’d never really thought of it that way, before. Though I don’t really know anything, really. But I’d always thought of it as… having something to hide, I guess.” I felt like a fool as soon as the words left my mouth.

“Well,” Hanzawa said, still low and quiet, “I suppose we are aiming to hide that bruise of yours. But there is value even in concealment, I think.” A wry smile graced his mouth. “Speaking of.” 

We’d lingered for too long in one place, and so we moved to collect a bottle of setting spray and a pale-yellow color corrector before stopping to search through a row of concealers. As we compared various shades on my hand, I recalled the conversation I’d had with Richard about tiramisu.

“…Don’t people also value the truth, though?” I asked. 

The shade Hanzawa had tested was far darker than it had looked in the tube. He paused over my hand, and without lifting his head, said, “Perhaps I’m being cynical… but I think most people only value the truth when it is beautiful.” He paused to dab a different concealer on my hand. “I don’t think you’re wrong—people do value authenticity. That’s exactly why so many makeup advertisements discuss how to achieve a natural look, or how to enhance your natural features by smoothing out ‘imperfections’… we’ve defined a kind of beauty that is meant to emulate reality, but that doesn’t mean it is reality.”

Though I couldn’t see his expression, I could hear the raw sincerity in his voice. Something clicked into place, and I realized that for Hanzawa, enhancement was the same as concealment.

“The kinds of beauty we recognize are usually just skin-deep, huh…” I said, echoing the conversation I’d had with Tanimoto-san.

“And everyone prefers to be beautiful,” Hanzawa said.

Yamamoto-san, too, had thought that beauty was a great advantage. “Doesn’t beauty come with its own disadvantages, though?” I asked. At Hanzawa’s curious look, I paraphrased how Richard had described his own experiences. “Like, if you’re so beautiful that people think you’re unapproachable, isn’t that hard?”

“I suppose so,” Hanzawa said. “You’re talking about a kind of… unreal beauty, right? Like your boss.”

“Ah… was it obvious?”

Hanzawa smiled. “A little.” He hummed for a bit in thought, and then said, “In either direction, I think there’s a fear of… standing out, or looking odd. That’s why we’re here. Though I suppose there might be some people who have enough pride to eschew standards.”

The shade he’d just tried was a perfect match. “When you put it that way… there’s definitely times I don’t want to say everything about myself,” I conceded, remembering how I’d felt when confronted by Mami-san’s deep, uncomfortable sense of shame. “Having that kind of pride is… an ideal, but just that.” As much as Richard liked to ask if I had ever decided to think before I spoke, I, too, had things I found hard to say. 

“That’s everything, I think,” Hanzawa said, adding the concealer to the basket. “I’ve got makeup wipes with me, so you can just have them. Since we’re here, though, do you mind if I make a quick detour?” 

“Go ahead,” I said, and Hanzawa drifted through the store at a leisurely pace, inspecting different products. I took the time to observe the various advertisements pasted around the store, noting that Hanzawa’s description hadn’t been incorrect. Then I observed the array of colors scattered around the store as Hanzawa inspected different kinds of eyeshadow. “I guess blue is rare here, too.” 

“Hm?” 

“I was just reminded of ultramarine,” I said, pointing towards the overwhelming set of pinks and reds in a collection of lipsticks. “It was prized not just because the stone was precious, but because blue was a rare pigment color, right?”

“…Lapis lazuli sure was a precious stone,” Hanzawa replied. “In addition to blue’s rarity, I’d think it would be hard to collect pieces without significant gold spots. When ground into pigment, those colors would muddy the blue. If one needed to source pure blue lapis lazuli for ultramarine, that would only further increase its rarity and value.” 

 “Wait, are you majoring in economics?” I blurted out, a little bewildered by the clarity of his explanation.

Distracted from his inspection of an eyeshadow palette, Hanzawa turned to squint at me, bemused. “No, I’m not,” he said. “Are you?”

“I am, yeah.” I floundered, wondering how to explain that for just a moment, Hanzawa had reminded me of Richard. Maybe he was training to be a diplomat—that would explain why even when he spoke casually, every word felt measured. He was certainly better at speaking than me, who couldn’t figure out how to casually ask him what he was actually majoring in.

At my lost expression, Hanzawa laughed and went back to searching through eyeshadows. “…You actually remind me of someone I know.”

“How so?” 

“A few things, I think,” Hanzawa said. “You’re both… open to many new experiences.” Though the fondness in his voice was palpable, it was deeply careful, like he was letting me know the shades of some terrible secret.

“You don’t find them exciting?” 

“And equally likely to be hurtful,” he rebutted, though not aggressively. 

Hanzawa took my answering silence as agreement—which it partially was—and continued looking around the store. Conscious of the time we’d spent wandering, he explained, “The color I’m looking for is uncommon. Eyeshadows have more variety than lipsticks do, but the majority stay within the range of pinks to browns.”

“Even though it’s not a problem to make blue pigment anymore, it’s still a matter of supply and demand, isn’t it?” I surmised. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone wear blue lipstick.”

“The kind of people that do are amazing to me,” Hanzawa said. “Whether it’s simply a matter of liking it or wanting to be deviant from the norm—I think there’s a great strength in accepting oneself as anomalous.”

Finally, he picked out a sparkly lime green eyeshadow, and after holding the color up to the light, tucked it into his basket. It was no wonder he’d spent so much time searching—while accompanying him, I hadn’t seen a single product that looked like it.

“You really are fond of that color,” I noted. 

Hanzawa froze for a moment. “It’s for—the cultural festival, actually,” he explained. “I’m helping them out.” 

“Oh, I do something like that too—it’s with the karate class I used to attend back in middle school, though,” I shared. “You must be close with your juniors?” 

As we entered the checkout line, Hanzawa said, “I think it’s something like a leftover sense of responsibility. That guy… we used to be in the same club.” 

Before I could ask him what that guy meant, our attention was redirected to the cashier in front of us. She looked surprised to see two men in front of her, but quickly began scanning the items before her. “Picking up products for your girlfriends?” she asked with a smile, clearly hoping to ease our nerves. 

Hanzawa stepped forward, partially obscuring my view. “It’s for my older sister, actually,” he replied, the same smile mirrored on his face. “I just hope I’ve gotten it right!” 

Caught up in his mild, inconsequential lie, I stood there, hands hung limply at my side, as I realized that apart from her initial shock, she hadn’t once glanced at my cheek. To be accurate, Hanzawa hadn’t let her. This was probably what he’d meant by the value of concealment. It was like when Richard had pretended not to speak Japanese at that department store. While it wasn’t the truth, it was the option that limited any unwanted misunderstandings.

…Was it really because of his older sister that he’d learned how to do makeup? Or was that just the easiest explanation?

We exited the store with our purchases, and I handed over the eyeshadow to Hanzawa. He slipped it into his messenger bag, and in return, produced a pack of makeup wipes for me to take. “If you forget what to do, there���s a bunch of tutorials online,” Hanzawa reassured, gesturing to my bag of makeup.

“Thanks for the help,” I said. “I had a nice time, too—I feel like I got to hear from an interesting person, as well.”

“Don’t think too much of it—I was really just rambling,” he said dismissively before offering me a tight smile. “I do hope work goes well for you this weekend.” 

“…You’ll know, won’t you?” I asked, summoning a bit of courage. “Since you’ll be there.” 

“Ah,” Hanzawa said, and stilled before giving his confirmation. “…Yes, I will.” 

With that promise exacted from him, we naturally said our goodbyes and parted at a nearby street. The early morning chill had faded somewhat under the sun, and as I made my way back to campus, I thought about the many ways Richard’s face might change upon seeing Hanzawa arrive at his appointment. He wouldn’t give me a raise, but I’d get something out of it, nonetheless.

[new-hyperfixation-every-month]

(SPOILERS FOR TPP SEASON 4 AND A BIT OF SEASON 3 IG)

so i just finished season 4 of tpp and damn it i have some WORDS TO SAY

i rlly dont know how to feel abt nureyev rn. he clearly expected dark matters to attack the carte blanche, and although he probably isnt working with them, the fact that he also told whoever he took the loan from that he would be bringing them all the items he and the aurinko crime family stole makes me think he didnt just escape from dark matters. he probably used this as an opportunity to escape from the family as well, especially since in the journal he literally tells juno not to look for him.

i hate to say this, bc nureyev is a huge comfort character for me, but i think hes up to smth rlly bad. and i cant believe hes pulling this betrayal bullshit AGAIN

(also i understand he wants juno to learn more abt him and his past, but how did he expect juno to react to the love of his life ranting abt how smitten he was for another guy in a journal made FOR HIM)

the vulnerability in nureyev's journal makes me incredibly happy you have NO IDEA

im such a sucker for characters who mask emotions finally showing vulnerability through stories of their past, in which they didnt feel the need to hide or were only starting to. (for example, the contrast between younger nureyev talking abt the world knowing his name versus older nureyev who can barely even speak it himself; "just...call me what you used to.")

im kind of scared abt the whole slip jackson situation. slip seems completely in love with nureyev, which makes me think nureyev is probably the reason they broke up. he probably did smth hypocritical like lying or betraying slip, and genuinely idk if i can take seeing nureyev do anymore shitty stuff ok i RLLY LIKE HIM and am sick of seeing him being a dick.

SO ANYWAYS bc ive caught up on tpp, ill need a new podcast to listen to soon (RECOMMENDATIONS ARE ALWAYS APPRECIATED) but this is also the perfect time to work on that recap video project i talked abt in another post, so if i do end up doing that, ill update anyone whos interested on the progress as it happens.

ALSO does anyone know when the next episode will be out bc i think im driving myself insane by listening to these unfinished podcasts and now that i think abt it the next two episodes wont even be junoverse so im gonna have to listen to the second citadel thingy too (gimme opinions on that bc i wanna know if its actually good)

[tastyykpop]

[ᴡᴇʟʟ ᴍᴀʏʙᴇ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅɪᴅɴᴛ ᴋɪʟʟ ʜɪᴍ]

Pairings: mafia boss!jaehyun x reader

♡𝑠𝑚𝑢𝑡♡

Warnings: dom!jaehyun, brat!reader, yandere themes, orgasm denial, slight edging (like really slight), thigh slapping, ropes, vibrator, punishment kinda, creampie, unprotected sex (stay safe 🙏)

The glass in Jaehyuns hand shattered as he saw another man approach you. He was beyond pissed. Mostly at you honestly. You were basically letting it happen because to you, this was all fun and games.

It shouldn't be though.

Jaehyun was a dangerous man. Someone you really shouldn't be around and someone who had a lot of power, over anything and everyone. Most people were terrified of him and only idiots would dare to speak out of line. And if they were lucky, maybe, just maybe they'd make it out alive.

It all happened when you came to this bar for a good drink and a slight buzz. But here, there was always someone hitting on you. This someone happened to be Jaehyun. It was the first time you met him too. Unfortunately, like the idiot you were (and still are), you talked back to him. It wasnt because you were trying to be rude, but instead you were fed up with the way he was acting towards you. The small brushes on the shoulder and the hand on your knee was getting on your nerves. But what really annoyed you were his comments. Not realising who he was and the power he had, you got angry and gave him back handed comments.

You only stopped when you felt a sting to your thigh.

Luckily for you it was only a slap. Not a knife or a bullet. Jaehyun was never this gentle.

Everytime after that, you would still come back to the bar, in your usual seating and Jaehyun would always be there. He even remembered your favorite drink after the first few nights. How sweet. But now, he was seated away from you with a group of men, watching your every move since he couldnt be with you at the moment.

"Baby that dress looks so pretty on you." The guy sitting next to you commented. His tongue swiping over his lips to coat them in his own saliva.

"Hmm thanks." You smiled, knowing that an angry Jaehyun was watching you like a hawk from across the bar.

The man's hand began to slither up your thigh, dragging his hand up and down. It was nothing like Jaehyuns rough, yet loving hands.

"I want to get to know you more." You turned your head to face the man and raised an eyebrow. "Come home with me."

"Sorry, but I'm gonna have to say no." You took a quick swig of your drink and smiled.

"Come on baby. It'll be worth your time." The man took your hands into his and brought them to his lips.

Jaehyun was going to kill someone today.

"Im sorry," you pulled your hand away, giggling, "but I said no." The man was still relentless, grabbing your hand and placing it on his bulge. Your eyes lit up and you searched around the room to see if anyone was seeing what was going on, stopping on your boyfriend's cold eyes.

Jaehyun got up from his seat, walking towards you. Your hand pulled away like lightning. A groan coming from the man next to you. Panic filled your body as you knew someone was going to get killed, or injured.

An angry Jaehyun is not a good Jaehyun. Especially if someone touched his girlfriend. And he let that go too far.

"Whats my pretty girl doing?" Jaehyun pulled your hair to the side and lightly kissed your neck. It was odd hearing such a soft voice come out of Jaehyun, yet you could feel how pissed he was.

"I-i was just talking..." His hands grabbed your waist, digging his nails deep into your side. Jaehyun wasnt an idiot, but you tried.

"And who the fuck are you?" The man asked. You actually forgot he was still there. But he wasn't going to be for long, Jaehyun ripped out a gun and pointed it at the man before making sure the safety was off.

"The real question is who are you?"

"I-i..." the man stuttered, obviously threatened by the weapon in your boyfriends hand.

"I dont like waiting." Jaehyun cocked the gun.

"I-im no one s-sir my apologies." The man walked away as quickly as he could from the both of you. Jaehyun snickering at how pathetic he was.

"Im gonna killed him for touching you."

"No, you wont. You can't always hurt someone who talks or touches me."

"Dont talk back to me, im not in the mood." You got up from the bar stool and walked with Jaehyun to his car. A very expensive one at that.

"I dont care if your in the mood stop acting like a bitch." Your sparky comment took all of Jaehyuns power to not bend you over and spank you in public.

"Get in the car Y/N."

"No." Crossing your arms over your chest, you turned and walked away. That set Jaehyun off.

You were suddenly in the backseat of his car, your face pushed against the seat and your ass in the air. The dress you were wearing was barely covering anything anymore.

"Listen here you pathetic little slut," he whisped in your ear, "if i tell you to get in the fucking car you listen, understand?"

You tried to get out of the grip he had on you, but it was no use. It just earned you a smack.

"Stop moving and answer me."

"Yes." A sigh left your mouth as he let go of you and walked to the drivers seat, starting the car. Leaving you in the back flustered.

"Come on pretty girl you can take it."  Jaehyun was currently fucking you with a vibrator. The vibrations sending you over the edge as he kept moving it in and out at a slow pace. You grabbed his arm and dug your nails deep into him, hoping that he'd stop punishing you and fuck you for real.

"P-please.." You begged as you squirmed on the bed from all the edging he was doing.

Jaehyun ignored you and picked up his pace. The room was filled with a mix or screaming, moaning, and wet sounds, just how he likes it.

He pulled you in for a rough kiss, teeth clashing with each other. The rougher he was, the more passionate he was with you.

"Im gonna cum." You moaned out, pulling away from the deep kiss, having enough of all the toying from the man above you.

"No youre not." He ripped the toy out of you, ruining your orgasm.

"Aw look at that baby, guess you won't cum again for another month."

You glared at the man as he sat there with a playful smirk before he moved on top of you, leaning down to bite and suck on your neck, leaving purple and blue marks on your skin as a whine left your lips. You wanted more, but knowing Jaehyun you probably weren't going to get it until he was satisfied enough. But you knew he was going to give up sooner or later. The boner brushing against your thigh was not going to go unnoticed by you.

"Stop...teasing..." You tried saying as Jaehyun moved back up to kiss you again.

"Why should i?" He looked up with an eyebrow raised, "You werent exactly the nicest to me. So why should I be nice to you?"

You frowned at the older man ready to talk back again, but the sudden cold hand cupping your hot entrance stopped you. The lower half of your body was almost grinding on his hand for more friction. Jaehyun noticed and smirked at your attempts to get off.

Smack.

"Dont even try that." He kept the same agonizing smirk on his face, giving him a more sadistic look than before. Your movement stopped with a pout and you watched Jaehyun take his hand away from your core.

"Then ill just do it myself." You pretty much just pushed Jaehyun away from you and attempted to please yourself, but you knew damn well it wasn't nearly as good as Jaehyun himself.

"Look at the pretty girl trying to act all tough." Jaehyun cooed at you, taking your hand away from your core and pinning your hands above your head. "Have i not been punishing you good enough? Is that why your acting even more bratty than usual?"

"No," you shook your head at your boyfriend, "its the fact you going to kill someone just because they touched me."

"Well i have a newsflash for you princess," Jaehyun leaned closer to your ear and whispered, "theyre already dead."

"Y-youre insane Jaehyun..."

"But thats why you love me." You watched as Jaehyun got off of you, moving to find something in the very large closet you both shared. When he turned back, you expected another toy he was going to tease you with, but no. He had ropes in his hand as he walked towards you with the same sadistic smirk that you hated yet loved.

He tied you up effortlessly, only giving him a few hard times but that only ended with a few smacks to your thigh.

Jaehyun stood back looking at your naked figure, a small blush painted your cheeks as you felt small under his gaze. Yes, Jaehyun was rather proud of what he was looking at. The beautiful hickeys and bite marks that littered your thighs, neck, and chest. The red hand prints on your thighs wrapping around to your ass. And the crescent shapes in your hips from his nails digging into your skin. He loved all of it.

You could hear the sound of clothes dropping to the floor, but didnt bother turning your head, too embarrassed to look at him now that you felt more exposed with the ropes holding your wrists to the bed post.

"Spread your legs for me princess." The sound of Jaehyuns voice brought you back to reality. You looked at him, his eyes staring into yours waiting for you to do as you were told. But did you didnt move. Just adding more fuel to his anger. "I said spread your fucking legs." He growled. You did so a bit too slowly for his liking and it only ended up with him forcefully spreading them himself.

A quiet gasp left your lips watching as he began to slowly grind into you, making you feel his bare cock against your pussy. Your sighs and moans filled the room, jaehyun watched closely, taking in every whine and movement you made. He pulled back and you waited for him to continue grinding but no, he was inside you without warning, not giving you anytime to adjust.

Jaehyuns fast pace shook the bed and your wrists were chaffing against the ropes. Moans erupted from your throat from the pain and pleasure Jaehyun was giving you.

"Fuck, Jaehyun...."

Jaehyun moved his hand from your hips up to your throat giving it a tight squeeze, "Such a dirty mouth." His hips snapped forward making your eyes roll to the back of your head and more cuss words were choked out. Earning a disappointed head shake from your boyfriend.

The lewd sounds of your bodies filled the room as he continued fucking you into oblivion. If someone walked in, they would be sure to have the image of you being fucked by Jaehyun with his fingers in your mouth and hand wrapped around your throat all while being tied up, stuck in their head for a few months.

"You love being a brat huh?" Jaehyun started whilst making eye contact, "Cause you know you'll be fucked like the pathetic slut you are. Am i right princess?"

He took his fingers out of your mouth to let you speak, "Y-yes." You moaned out. A quiet chuckle rang through your ears.

"Needy little brat..." His pace was faster yet sloppy and you knew he was close. The bed rocked and the sound of skin against skin filled your ears. Jaehyuns grip on your throat not planning on letting go as you struggled for breath.

"Jaehyun....p-please I'm gonna-"

"If you even dare cum ill beat your ass." That changed your thoughts about even bothering to let go, knowing he wasn't playing around.

Just as you felt like holding it in wasnt enough, Jaehyun was already one step ahead and came inside you, riding out his orgasm with a low groan.

Jaehyun pulled out, removing the ropes from your wrists. They were as red as your thighs and they stung too the touch. Jaehyun, being the nice man he is, even though he was still slighlty mad, took the time to give you after care, applying a cream to your wrists and butt just so the redness would calm down and cleaned up the cum dripping down your thighs.

After all that he laid beside you, embracing you in his arms and kissing the top of your head. "My pretty girl." He muttered against your hair before the both of you drifted off to sleep. Although you were still angry that you couldnt cum.