#i dont even know how to articulate how happy i am . smiling through it all cant believe this is my life

[mourn2]

reunion being posted shortly after my death note hyperfixation finally fades makes me feel like ive just been thrown into Ls washing machine except instead of water and soap in the washing machine its death note thoughts circulating around my brain again. i feel like the prodigal son returning and i feel like the prodigal sons parents. i feel like sachiko yagami.

[thejamesoldier]

Every Tomorrow

AO3 Link

a/n: Did I write this fic bc I slammed face first back into the inuyasha fandom after the premiere of yashahime? Absolutely. Did I write this fic so I could get those g o o d domestic inukag feels? Absolutely. Did I write this fic as a way to come to terms with the fact that one of my first crushes as a kid happened to be an animated dog man? Absolutely. Enjoy yall xxx

(this goregous gif isn’t mine!) 

rating: explicit 

pairing: inuyasha x kagome

tags: protective inuyasha, jealous inuyasha, emotionally constipated inuyasha, honestly whats new, youkai mates, soulmates, youkai culture, mate bonds, mate rituals, touch-starved inuyasha, shippo is kagome’s son dont talk to me, mirsan as parents, sesshoumaru is still kinda a prick but we like him now, angst and smut and fluff, domestic bliss, srsly this shit is so soft i should be arrested, non-canon compliant with yashahime, shit ton of inukag being cute tbh

summary: 'Kagome smiles through tears of insurmountable joy as a shadow passes over her. She tilts her head back and finds a familiar silhouette bending over the ledge of the well. The figure is still for a moment, as if frozen in utter disbelief, before a clawed hand reaches down to her and with a shuttering exhale, Kagome takes it. Inuyasha hauls her up into the light and suddenly, he's in front of her -- he's real. His silver hair, his ears, his red haori, those eyes of molten gold that stare up at her with nothing less than his very soul bared for her to see. Kagome observes such belonging in him, such love, and it completes her.'

or

my excuse to write some indulgent domestic inukag and explore their happy ending

Chapter 1 - mizpah 

The day is grey.

Clouds rumble low and thick over the skyline, swallowing the tops of buildings in the distance and casting deep shadows across the shrine grounds. Kagome is supposed to go out today, a few friends asked her to grab lunch at some new bistro that's opened up near campus. She'd been contemplating how to work the impending downpour into an excuse to stay home, never really having the energy for much these days. Parsing out when to expend the limited energy she did have had become a constant chore since being cut off from --

A familiar pain twangs through her chest, the ache almost welcome. It's all she has left of him.

Maybe it's the rain, maybe its the gloom of the day pulling out the worst of her longing, but regardless she finds herself pushing silently out of her room, walking downstairs, slipping outside, and standing before the closed doors of the Bone Eater's well. Drawn back once again to what was stolen from her. Kagome had promised herself she'd stop doing this, stop torturing herself -- stop giving in to the inexplicable sorrow of living a life without him. But just like the other times, the temptation to let the true weight of her loss pour into the gaping hole in her soul and fill her to the brim, make her so heavy with it that she's brought to her knees, is a poison she's unable to resist. She does this more regularly than she knows is healthy, but its the only way Kagome feels whole anymore. If she's not drowning in loss then she's empty, and Kagome isn't sure which is worse. Without a word she shoulders the doors open and descends the rotting stairs.

The familiar musty smell of earth and something not quite alive but not quite dead hits her. Kagome's eyes water at the memories the scent yields. Before she can stop herself her fingers come up to caress the splintering lip of the ancient well. It feels...empty, same as it always does when she comes in here. The sensation is akin to a sense of hollowness, that the shaft of negative space that runs down the well's center is truly all that's left of the magic that used to come alive for her. A silent sob wrenches down her throat, rendering her vulnerable to the torrent of emotion that swells in her. She let's each gasping breath tear her open, tear out all that's left of her. A sick relief floods her as the sorrow emerges fully and, as always, she crumbles to her knees under the burden of it.

Inuyasha...

Just saying his name, even in the privacy of her own mind, tares something vital out of Kagome's core. She hopes he knows, hopes that despite it all he knows that she is still his in every way a person could be. Disassembled and broken as she is, Kagome offers her anguish to the well praying that if it wouldn't return her to him, then it could at least take her devotion instead.

Carry it to him, remind him he's loved...

For a moment she considers descending the well and curling up at the bottom of it, willing her feelings to reach him, but the thought of her mother finding her like that again...she couldn't bare it. Her mom had been so heartbroken, so overwhelmed with worry when she found Kagome lying at the bottom of the well, cheek pressed to the dirt and eyes seeping tears that wouldn't stop. She wouldn't do that to her again. With that thought Kagome tries to rally herself, to yank her heart away from the addicting agony of missing him and prepares to push her mind into the nothingness she utilizes to numb the pain. She had allowed herself this much and it had to be enough for now, anymore and she'd send herself into a deeply harmful depressive state.

Kagome closes her eyes and uses the well to help heave herself to stand, movements slow and body sore, feeling like her limbs are made of lead. Before she turns to leave, Kagome grips the well as fiercely as she can with both hands. A feeling of intensity overtakes her in that moment and she's unable to think of anything but:

Inuyasha, Kagome declares to the emptiness of the well, I want to see you.

What happens next astounds her. Fate smiles in glee as -- finally -- the threads of time align and pull taught. A gentle breeze smelling of sunshine and wildflowers drifts up to Kagome, it's warm fingers brushing tenderly through the hair that hangs in her face. Kagome's eyes open with an audible gasp. Her heart blossoms because there, lying at the bottom of the well, is a cerulean sky -- a few wispy clouds floating lazily by. The sound of birds singing echoes up to her and suddenly, the Bone Eater's well bursts to life. Kagome is embraced by the energy of the well like an old friend as it resurrects in silent sparkling splendor around her. It soaks into her skin, her soul, filling her with hope instead of sorrow. It's pure life, and it beckons to her with such surety that it breaks Kagome's heart.

"Kagome?"

Her mother's voice forces a sharp exhale out of Kagome, she hadn't realized she'd been holding her breath. Kagome can't look away from the impossible sky below her though, she's frozen in shock and wrestles with the possibility that this isn't a dream. She's had so many that happened just like this. Kagome...Kagome doesn't dare to hope...

"What's wrong?" Mrs. Higurashi asks as she makes her way down the stairs and comes to a stop behind Kagome, concern strangling the usual softness of her tone into an unsure waver.

"Mom," Is all Kagome is capable of saying, and it comes out in a hoarse terrified whisper.

Kagome hears her mother give a small gasp of disbelief, before Mrs. Higurashi steps up close beside her daughter and peers down the well too.

"The sky," Kagome hushes, still unable to fully accept what's happening but slowly becoming afraid that this will all be ripped from her. Again.  

A gentle hand wraps around her shoulders and pulls Kagome back from the ledge. Kagome lets her mother do this, lets herself lean into her mother's warmth in the face of all this crushing possibility.

"Mom I," Are the shaky words Kagome tries to preface her departure with, not sure what to even say -- lost in how she's meant to articulate the avalanche of emotion she's feeling. Because even if this is a dream she can't bare to wait any longer, she needs to know if...if maybe the well heard her and is by some miracle answering her prayers.

Mrs. Higurashi turns Kagome around to face her, hands soft as they frame her daughter's shoulders.

"Kagome," Her mother says her name and it holds all the world in it, Kagome looks up and is immediately swept away by the love in her mom's eyes. Mrs. Higurashi smiles at her then -- kind eyes closing on tears that are beginning to fall, and Kagome nearly collapses, "I understand."  

With a sob Kagome embraces her mother for the last time.

"Tell Sota and Grandpa that I love them," Kagome murmurs in a rush.

Her mother only squeezes her tighter and nods. They shake in each other's arms for another breath before both pulling away.

"I am so proud of you Kagome," Mrs. Higurashi says, voice trembling with emotion but warm, always so warm.

"I love you Mama," Kagome responds as tears begin to swell in her eyes.

"Give this to him for me," Her mother requests as she takes Kagome's face in her hands, and leans in close to press a searing kiss to her forehead.

"Oh Mama," Kagome weeps as her mother's love wraps around her heart and fills her with a kind of joy she hasn't felt in years.  

Mrs. Higurashi leans back a little and uses her thumbs to wipe the wetness off of Kagome's cheeks.

"Tell him that I love him, that I've always seen him as a son, and that I am proud to have him be apart of our family."

Kagome deteriorates into a watery mess as the sentiments her mother just shared wash over her. Wordlessly, Mrs. Higurashi helps her daughter climb up onto the lip of the well before they simply stare for a moment, taking each other in one more time. Then her mother bestows her one last parting gift.

"Live Kagome," Her mom hushes, fierce happiness triumphant in her voice, as she releases her daughter's hands and watches as she turns to leap down the well, body disappearing from sight moments later.

Goodbye Mama, Kagome calls back as she sinks into time.

Kagome relishes the sensations traveling through the well give her -- a fierce nostalgia gripping her chest at the bursts of cobalt light, the galactic vastness watching her fall past, the light at the bottom of the well welcoming her home...

When she lands on solid ground a part of her fears so intensely that she's still in her time, that she refuses to open her eyes. What if she were to look up and see her mother staring down at her? Kagome hesitates for a moment, eyes closed, standing so still, terrified that this isn't real, and then something throbs in her chest --

She feels him, feels his youki hurtling towards her and suddenly, Kagome is no longer afraid.

Inuyasha!

Kagome opens her eyes and squints at the sky above her, the breeze she felt earlier encouraging her towards her future. She makes it about three fourths of the way up the well when she hears him. The pounding of his feet against the earth as he races closer, his aura a brilliant thriving thing that feels like the sun against her skin. Kagome smiles through tears of insurmountable joy as a shadow passes over her. She tilts her head back and finds a familiar silhouette bending over the ledge of the well. The figure is still for a moment, as if frozen in utter disbelief, before a clawed hand reaches down to her and with a shuttering exhale, Kagome takes it. Inuyasha hauls her up into the light and suddenly, he's in front of her -- he's real. His silver hair, his ears, his red haori, those eyes of molten gold that stare up at her with nothing less than his very soul bared for her to see. Kagome observes such belonging in him, such love, and it completes her.

"Inuyasha," She says his name, says it just for him, and he inhales, "I'm so sorry, were you waiting here for me?"

Inuyasha's expression shifts and Kagome gasps softly at the chaos he's trying to contain, but then he says her name. Says it just for her.

"Kagome."

A wet laugh escapes her lips at the sound of his voice, at how she used to long to hear him say her name, just like that.

"Inuyasha," Kagome murmurs again just because she can as her fingers play with the ends of his forelocks, eyes jumping all over his face trying to take in every part of him at once.

Unable to help herself, Kagome wraps both arms around his neck, relishing in the feel of his hair threading through her fingers, and presses her lips to his with a sigh. Inuyasha remains still for a moment, like his brain is one beat behind, before he clutches her to him so hard her lungs squeeze in her chest. Kagome doesn't care, in fact she doesn't feel like they're close enough. She wants to crawl her way into him and stay there forever, never to be separated again. The kiss feels like coming home, and it makes the part of her that sat empty for the past three years steadily fill. Inuyasha's lips are slightly chapped, she notes, and he kisses her like she's the only kind of devastation he'd willingly submit to. Impossibly, her love for him deepens further. Kagome pulls back with a gasp, trying to catch her breath as Inuyasha carefully sets her down on the ground, their lips brushing while the two of them tremble in the wake of such sweeping passion.

"Kagome," Inuyasha whispers her name again, like its the only word he knows, and dives back down to reclaim her lips.

She lets a soft noise shake loose from her chest when he tilts his head to deepen the kiss, his claws snagging on the material of her cardigan as he holds her close. Kagome feels a fang nip at her lower lip and, smiling into the kiss, she happily opens up for him. When their tongues meet, Inuyasha's hands raise to cup both sides of her jaw, mindful of his claws near such delicate skin. With something between a groan and a growl, he breaks their kiss to turn her head to the side, smoothing one reverent hand down the exposed length of her neck. Her heart beat picks up when in one long inhale, Inuyasha traces his nose in a steady line from her collarbone up to the patch of skin just below her ear. He makes a tender noise then, nearly a whine, and without preamble presses his face firmly into the arch of her neck, taking deep unhurried breaths through his nose. Kagome leaves one hand wrapped around the bulk of his shoulders, but brings the other one up to hold the back of his head in place against her. One of his ears flicks against her cheek and in a moment of raw delight, a giggle bubbles up from her throat as does a fresh wave of tears. Inuyasha flattens the offending ear against his skull but Kagome remains undeterred and drops a sweet kiss on to the delicate appendage, the soft fur tickling her lips a little. She holds him even closer as he melts against her at the intimate display of affection.

Oh kami she'd missed him so much.  

"Kagome!"

It takes a second for the two of them to come back down to earth, but the call of Shippo's voice encourages Kagome to turn towards the sound of approaching footsteps. Inuyasha makes a firm noise against the skin of her neck -- a warning, like he wasn't ready to let her go yet. He tenses when she ignores him and stiffens even further as Shippo continues to barrel closer. In the span of a heartbeat Inuyasha has Kagome behind him and lets a true growl rip from his throat. Kagome startles against his back, realizing belatedly that he'd just threatened Shippo.

--

"Inuyasha?" Kagome's words come out sounding like an odd mix of admonishment and worry.

Shippo looks genuinely shocked at being challenged with such a territorial threat display, having slid to an abrupt halt at Inuyasha's feet. Inuyasha comes back to himself after a few beats, brain catching up with his instincts, and his aggression falters.

"Slowly," Inuyasha grinds out as he steps to the side to allow Kagome to come forward, working furiously to relax his muscles.

Respecting Inuyasha's warning, Shippo moves very carefully towards Kagome, though he only manages to take two steps before Kagome is crashing to her knees and hauling him into her arms.

"Shippo!" She cries and Shippo immediately starts bawling.

The young kitsune grabs tuffs of her hair in his tiny fists and smashes his face into her neck, repeating her name over and over again unable to help himself. Inuyasha stiffens again at this, but grits his teeth against the instinct to tear the runt clean out of Kagome's arms. She wouldn't like that, and honestly neither would Inuyasha, he knows how much Kagome means to Shippo.

What's wrong with me?

"You, you made it back!" Sango bursts as her and Miroku catch up and come to a stop a few feet in front of them, kids in tow.

"It's been much too long Kagome!" Miroku calls in absolute astonishment.

"Miroku, Sango!" Kagome all but weeps as she rises from the ground, Shippo still held tight in her arms, and rushes to embrace them.

Inuyasha feels that angry tug in his gut again at the idea of so many scents polluting Kagome's skin so soon after getting her back, but the larger part of him can only smile as he watches his woman hug Sango then Miroku -- mindful of the kids in their arms and murmuring little 'hello's to them as well. He can smell the depth of their rapture as they all rejoice Kagome's return. It puts Inuyasha's heart into a state of profound contentment, and he realizes then that he's never felt this way before. Who knew anticipation could be a good feeling? Because damn was he ready to experience every single tomorrow with Kagome by his side.

--

The rest of the afternoon is spent celebrating. Kagome reunites with Kaede, the elder priestess nearly speechless with elation at seeing Kagome push aside the noren of her hut. To Kagome's surprise Rin is also there, the young girl delighted by Kagome's return as well, and hadn't hesitated to gush about how lonely Inuyasha was without her. Inuyasha had only shrugged at this, not denying it but still sent a betrayed glare Rin's way as color rose high on his cheeks. Kagome is welcomed back by the people of the village too, townsfolk she'd gotten to know during her time collecting jewel shards being especially pleased to see her, though they knew not where she'd gone. Kagome and Inuyasha stuck to each other like glue through it all, unwilling to part for even a moment. No one blamed them.

At one point Kagome started to panic because she had to pee of all things, and the thought of loosing sight of her hanyou if only for a minute terrified her. The fear that this was a dream kept gnawing at her, and the possibility that this could all be taken away at any moment made Kagome feel physically ill. She'd held it in as long as she could before walking nearly knock-kneed to relieve herself. It turned out Kagome needn't have worried at all because without a word Inuyasha had followed her, giving her true privacy for only as long as it took to empty her bladder before he was within her sights again. Kagome had blushed furiously when it occurred to her that him being so close while she used the bathroom probably meant that he could...smell it. When she tried to shoo him away he only stared at her, firmly shaking his head no once, and waited. After Kagome had finished she'd made her way back over to Inuyasha, feeling incredibly sheepish about the whole situation. The moment she was close enough though he'd pulled her into a desperate hug and whispered,

"Please bare with me Kagome, I-I can't..." He'd trailed off but Kagome was already hugging him back, refusing to let go. She understood.

They shared a grand feast with Sango and Miroku that evening, Kagome using the time to properly acquaint herself with their children. Shippo sat in her lap for most of the meal, and its as she stared at her friends -- her family, that Kagome realized that she'd been given something truly precious and everything in her vowed to never let it go. This was more than she could have ever hoped for, and the fear that this was temporary strangled her multiple times throughout the reunion. But Inuyasha was always right there beside her, and having him close ended up being the only way to ease the worst of her anxiety. After everyone finished their food and caught up on each other's lives as much as they could in one sitting (the serious questions being left for tomorrow), the pair said their goodbyes for the night. Shippo had fought to retire with Inuyasha and Kagome, but was stilled by Miroku's hand on his small shoulder. Kagome embraced Shippo before delivering a soft peck to his cheek, letting him nuzzle back for a beat or two more before promising to come back first thing in the morning.

Now Kagome and her hanyou are getting settled in a hut the villagers had built for Inuyasha that's set on the outskirts of the village. It's quite obvious to Kagome from the state of the place that Inuyasha hardly uses it, though she knows how lonely he gets by himself and she figures he probably spends most of his time with Sango and Miroku who live more centrally to the village. Inuyasha's hut is mounted at the peak of a sloping hill, the tallest in the surrounding area besides the shrine itself. At first she wondered if the villagers meant to ostracize Inuyasha by putting his hut so far from everyone else's, but as they reach the hill's zenith, she realizes it isn't a sign of disrespect but quite the opposite. The vista from his home has views of the entire village and even overlooks a decent portion of the forest. On the opposite side of the hut, miles of stunning countryside sprawls under the hazy light of the setting sun all the way to the horizon. Inuyasha would be able to spot danger days before it arrived, or gain minutes to whole hours of advantage if the threat was a youkai. The villagers aren't keeping him at a distance, they're treating him like their Lord, giving him the highest ground, the most control over the land -- trusting that he will use it to protect them. It makes Kagome's heart clench with raging pride.

"It's beautiful," Kagome finds herself murmuring as they stand side by side overlooking the village together, the wind shifting their hair about their shoulders.

"Yeah," Inuyasha says, sounding distracted.

His tone makes Kagome shift her gaze over to him but she finds that he's already staring at her. Before he would have turned away with a blush and started spouting some blistering nonsense in order to cover up the fact that he'd been caught, but now he lets himself look. It makes something in Kagome's lower stomach go tight. They take each other in for what feels like a bracketed infinity, the moment sacred somehow, and neither of them are willing to break it. Inuyasha takes a step closer and reaches his clawed hands down to gently collect her smaller ones. He brings her hands up to his chest, cradling them there, not once looking away from Kagome's eyes.

"I promise I'll protect you with my life." Inuyasha declares, his voice low and quiet and meant only for her.

Kagome takes an uneven inhale and her heart skips a beat as she realizes he's repeating the same vow he gave to her in her room the night her family was away at the hot springs all those years ago. It hits her then how utterly hers Inuyasha is, how devoted to her he was in the past and how he has remained that way since. It's his way of telling her nothing has changed. Inuyasha watches this epiphany play out on Kagome's face and his expression softens around the steadiness of his gaze.

"I will allow nothing to take you from me again, and I will never leave your side."

Shuddering in the wake of his oath, Kagome shuffles closer to him and finally says what she's always regretted never telling him directly.  

"I love you Inuyasha," She watches as his pupils drag wide at her confession, "You will always have me, and I will happily spend the rest of my life with you to prove that."

Inuyasha slowly lowers his head until their foreheads touch through the hair of their bangs, his eyes closing as he takes a deep breath in through his nose. Kagome feels a wave of peace come over her then that she finds she's quite content to drown in. She stays like that with him for another moment before pulling away just enough to catch his eye.

"My mother," Kagome hushes and Inuyasha instantly stills, "She asked me to give this to you."

Exactly as her mom did, Kagome extracts her hands from Inuyasha's and reaches for his face, fingers tender as they slide against the warm skin of his jaw. Panic flits across Inuyasha's features then, startled at being handled like he was something precious, and realizing he's horrifically unprepared for whatever is about to come next. Kagome's smile is nothing but fond as she tilts his head down enough so that she's able to lean in and deliver her mother's kiss to his forehead. Inuyasha's hands come up to wrap around her forearms, not to move her away but, Kagome suspects, just to have something to hold on to. His ears flatten under the gravity of the gesture. Kagome closes her eyes and remains there for another beat, before pulling away and lifting his face back up only to touch the tip of her nose to his.

"She also wanted me to tell you that she loves you," She murmurs.

Inuyasha releases a wet sounding exhale and attempts to move away -- overwhelmed by the rawness of all of this, but Kagome holds his face firm and presses on, wanting desperately for him to hear the rest because he deserves to know.

"She said she has always seen you as a son, and is proud to consider you family."

"Kagome," Inuyasha begs, his voice a wobbling mess as he nuzzles closer in defeat, unable to stand the depth of Mrs. Higurashi's gift to him.

After a long moment of them just breathing, he shifts his head and quietly slots their lips together. He releases his grip on her forearms so he can snake his arms around her middle, hands wrapping as far across her back as possible, before pulling her flush against him. Inuyasha keeps the kiss chaste -- utterly humbled. Kagome can only imagine what this must mean to him, and she hazards her mother must have known too.

They stay joined under the warm evening sky as the stars begin to shine through dusk's heavy golden canopy. The sun finally sinks all the way under the horizon, having delayed itself in order to cast as much light as possible onto the pair standing atop the hill -- presenting fate's masterful work to the heavens. A sudden gust of wind picks up around them, and it causes the two to sway a little. Hands clutching tight, lips molding softly, and hair floating around their heads as if submerged in deep water, they know nothing in that moment except each other.

Somewhere far beyond this world, a priestess -- no, an ordinary woman, looks down on Inuyasha and Kagome and smiles.

--

Kagome arranges the light summer quilt Sango lent her over the futon set in the back corner of Inuyasha's hut. She would have to do something (many somethings) in order to make this place livable. A shy glee erupts in her chest at the thought of decorating it, organizing a home for both her and Inuyasha to live in felt surreal to consider even in her own head. She used to daydream about this kind of thing, the fact that she finally gets to fulfill her fantasy -- that it's her life now, takes her breath away.

"Inuyasha?" She calls once she's finished fussing with the quilt, folding one corner down, ready to get into bed.

The hut is dark, the night outside is still, and the fireplace remains unlit so they don't overheat. Kagome tries to swallow the fear cloying up her throat. Ever since she spent a small eternity trapped in endless darkness with the Jewel of Four Souls, she finds she can no longer stand to be alone in the dark. Back in her time, it had to be either her mom, Sota, or Buyo sleeping beside her each night or she wouldn't be able to get any rest at best, and at worst she would descend into an anxiety attack. It wasn't until her grandfather had suggested installing a night light that she was finally able to brave the long nights alone, though she still prefers to have a warm body to cuddle. It was in moments like those that she'd longed for Shippo the most. Once she'd been able to sleep on her own she had the nightmares to contend with, and those always left her feeling as close to true panic as she'd felt when facing Naraku. There are no night lights in the Feudal Era, but Kagome figures she'll be okay as long as she has Inuyasha with her.

"Inuyasha?" Kagome says again, this time unable to keep the quiver of fear out of her voice.

In an instant she feels a rush of air hit her as he drops to a crouch beside her, like he'd bolted to her from across the room.

"Kagome? What's wrong?"

She melts into him and he accepts her weight against his chest easily, strong arms shifting forward to box her in.

"Where were you?" Kagome hopes she doesn't sound as small as she feels.

Inuyasha stills against her for a beat before wrapping his arms around her completely, securing her in his embrace. Kagome accepts this improvement with a grateful sigh.

"Just checking the window." He pauses, then very carefully, asks, "Is...are you alright?"

He sounds worried, crap.

Kagome feels a stab of guilt for freaking him out.

"I'm fine," Kagome assures quickly, "Just, um, I-I'm ready for bed."

Cringing internally, Kagome wonders if that was convincing enough. With that sharp nose of his, she hopes he doesn't pick up on her lingering (but quickly diminishing) fear. How on earth could she convince him to sleep on the futon with her? Surely he won't object? Not after everything that happened between them today?

"Okay, well, I'll uh see you in the morning then," Inuyasha stutters as he begins to untangle himself from her and pull away --

Kagome's panic skyrockets, and before she can say or do anything, Inuyasha must smell the spike in her fear because he immediately winds himself back around her body.

"Woah hey," He hushes, becoming even more alarmed as Kagome all but crawls into his lap.

"I-I can't be alone, at night," Kagome struggles to explain as she takes shelter in his renewed embrace, "The darkness it --,"

She cuts herself off when she feels Inuyasha pillow his cheek against the soft hair at the top of her head.

"I'll hold you till you fall asleep then," He promises in a soft voice, as soft as she's ever heard him speak.

She can feel his words vibrate through his chest, and it calms her nerves some. Kagome wants to argue, wants to push for more -- sleep beside me, hold me all night -- but she doesn't. He doesn't seem to want that, even after promising her he'd never leave her side. Kagome's anxiety gets the better of her and it seals her lips shut. She settles in the circle of his arms and is resolved to be satisfied with this, at least for now, knowing she's much too shaken to negotiate with him tonight. Kagome knows without a shadow of a doubt that she'll wake up the moment he sets her down on the futon, but she doesn't tell him that. Hopefully she can fake being asleep well enough to fool his hanyou senses, and hopefully the knowledge that he's nearby will be enough to stop her from having a full blown episode. If she can hang on till the early hours of the morning, maybe the fragile rays of first light will be enough to cling to. Kagome can admit to herself that she won't be able to maintain this routine for long, but she hopes it lasts until she's plucked up the courage to ask Inuyasha, point blank and without room for misinterpretation, to share her bed.

--

Inuyasha knew he wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight, no way would he risk making Kagome vulnerable to any kind of attack so soon after getting her back. His instincts wouldn't have allowed for any other course of action, and on this front Inuyasha is in rare agreement with his youkai half. But he doesn't expect Kagome to share the same determination. He'd panicked earlier when he smelled how fast and how sharply her fear had spiked. Inuyasha vowed to himself at that moment to never allow her to feel that way in his presence again, not if he could help it. She had held on to him so fiercely, and still is even after hours of being in the safety of his arms. Its like she's afraid he'll leave again. This knowledge makes something in his chest shatter and his gut ache. Unable to stop himself, he rubs his cheek where it rests against the top of her head and takes a deep inhale, letting her scent soothe him. Each time he hears her heartbeat slow and she starts to drift off, he waits a few minutes before trying to lay her down on the futon. Without fail though she's yanked back from sleep every time, as if his touch is vital in order for her to rest. A part of him relishes in this level of dependency on him, his youkai half preening at the fact that his mate --

Inuyasha grunts and stands, unwilling to entertain any thoughts about that, and makes his way swiftly out of the hut and into the mild night. He's careful not to jostle Kagome in his arms too much as he lowers into a measured crouch, and launches himself into the air towards the roof. Landing effortlessly on the balls of his feet, Inuyasha pauses as Kagome sighs in her sleep and twists her fists tighter into the material of his han-juban. Inuyasha blushes to himself thinking about how he had all but tripped out of the hut earlier when Kagome started changing out of her day clothes and into a yukata Sango had lent her in front of him.

With a firm shake of his head he banishes that particular train of thought from his mind, and lowers himself down to sit on the angled roof. After a minute of cautious shifting, he gives up and lies flat on his back, arranging Kagome's sleep-pliant body so she's tucked snuggly between his arm and his side. He tells himself this is different than sleeping on the futon with her, that this isn't breaking any 'rules of propriety' Kagome used to always yell at him about.

Screw it, he thinks, if I get sat for this in the morning it will have been worth it.

Inuyasha tries not to think about how much he sounded like Miroku just now, and grumbles under his breath about stupid delinquent monks and confusing female sensibilities.  

The stars are a dizzying pattern above him, the moon is a sliver in the sky, and Kagome is curled safely into his side with her cheek squished against his chest while one of her leanly muscled arms has thrown itself securely across his waist -- Inuyasha couldn't feel more at peace if he tried. Everything is as it should be. He hasn't felt rightness like this since...well, since Kagome left three years ago. A cool evening breeze floats over them then, shooing away the insistent press of the summer heat, and kisses their temples before moving on. Inuyasha lazily picks apart the different scents the wind carried -- sap from the trees in the forest, ash from the chimneys in the village, wet earth from the banks of the nearby river...he lets it all wash over him, one sensation at a time. He remembers Kagome caught him doing this once years ago, and when she'd asked him about it he'd told her it was kind of like how humans count sheep when trying to fall asleep. A self-soothing exercise is what she concluded it was similar too. Inuyasha didn't elaborate that the habit was an old one he'd developed during his childhood. Back when he was too weak to fight any of the youkai that hunted him, he'd find somewhere to hide and rock himself in time with his breaths, carefully combing through the scents in the air until he was sure the threat had passed. There had been a brief pause before Kagome asked what he could smell, no judgment or disgust, just innocent curiosity and a hint of fascination simmering in the umber of her eyes. No one had ever asked him about his sense of smell like that before. Inuyasha's heart had clenched in his chest, and it does so now as the memory unfolds before him only this time without the promise of pain. Reliving cherished moments of his time with Kagome used to only bring him anguish, but now...

Inuyasha turns his face into Kagome's hairline that's level with his nose, flares his nostrils, and proceeds to take a sleepy inhale. Her scent shoots straight up into his head and a sensation that feels bizarrely like dizziness makes his skull feel light, and his mind feel like its floating. Inuyasha attempts to turn away once the moment passes, but his body refuses to comply. Instead, before he really knows what he's doing, Inuyasha finds himself nosing down her forehead, over the bridge of her nose, past her slightly parted lips, and under her jaw. Kagome mutters something unintelligible in her sleep in response to all of his tender nudging (Inuyasha resolutely ignores the way it makes all of his insides go soft), but ultimately allows her chin to be directed up, exposing her neck to him. Something in Inuyasha flares hot at the action, and he's instantly compelled to guide his nose into the notch of skin between her neck and her jaw. This is what he'd been searching for.

Safe, something inhuman in his head rumbles, only here is safe.

Inuyasha couldn't agree more, Kagome had always been ineffable to him. He had known Kagome by her scent before he'd known her by her features, it's what first caught his attention when Kikyo's spell keeping him pinned to Goshinboku started to falter. Inuyasha hadn't realized it then, but he'd belonged to Kagome the moment she'd told him her name. Inuyasha smiles like a complete love-struck idiot as he remembers the way she had puffed out her chest and demanded that he say her name right.

Ka - Go - Me!

He allows himself to continue grinning like a fool against the skin of her neck because no one's around to mock him for it, and because it feels good to be happy. He's happy --

"Inuyasha..." Kagome suddenly hums, his name on her lips the sweetest thing he'll ever hear.

Inuyasha pulls his face back just far enough to take in her expression, and something glorious surges in him when he finds that she's smiling in her sleep.

--

Phew that was hella soft lol, lemme know what you thought down in the comments below if you'd like! I embellished certain moments a little bit to make them more dramatic bc i couldn't help myself, i hope you didn't mind! Tbh it felt so good to write inukag, like im not gonna lie, I grew up watching the show and it feels a little like coming home to get into these characters' heads. Ok I'm gonna go continue my re-watch of the show now xxx

Masterlist

[jising-jisang-jisung]

P.JS - Royal!au

Genre: royal!au, servant!jisung princess!reader ft. prince!jaemin, angst

Word count: 3.1k (dont know how I did that)

a/n: okay so this is my first time trying out a royal!au so I hope it's okay 😅 ngl I kinda like it so I might write more royal!dream... also sorry this is angst i just couldnt make it fluffy without being overly cliche and gross

A soft tap on your door steals your attention away from the seams on your bedsheets. “Miss y/n?” your servant’s voice calls.

“Come in,” you reply, maintaining all formalities through the barrier of the door, knowing that your guard is there, and will report any nonsense to your father, the king.

Your door creaks open as Jisung walks in, holding a giant tray in his hands.

“Sungie!” you call as soon as the door is closed. “Did you do it like I told you to?” you question eagerly.

“Well of course, y/n/n.”

“Yes! There’s enough for us to share!” you cheer, looking at the food your servant, who doubles as your best friend, had brought you. “Open,” you instruct him. He does as you command, opening his mouth for you to feed him the peach slice tangling from your fork. “Is it good?” you bite your lip, salivating over the fresh fruit.

Jisung nods excitedly, taking a seat next to you. “Your turn,” he nearly spits since he barely even chewed his piece before speaking. He holds out a slice for you to eat, but as you are about to snatch it, he pulls back to eat it himself.

“Hey,” you playfully smack his arm. He gives you a bashful smile before holding out another slice, and letting you eat it this time. 

“Miss y/n?” and a knock on your door results in Jisung jumping off of his perch on your bed and you grabbing the food to move to your table.

“Come in,” you call after the two of you look like a normal Princess and servant and not a couple of goofy friends.

Another servant boy, Chenle, walks into your room. “Your father wishes to see you. He has urgent news,” he tells you bowing as he moves to exit.

“Wait! Do you happen to know what it might be about?”

The boy grins at you. He was also one of your good friends since you were all about the same age and had grown up in the castle together, but unlike Jisung, Chenle wasn’t your servant. Fortunately, however, since he was able to spend his time all around the castle, he was able to get the gossip on everything. 

“Well,” he starts. Jisung and you move back to your previous seats now that the coast is clear. “From what I heard, there is another King and Queen visiting. And, if rumors are true, they have a son.” At first you’re very confused. What would another monarch have concerned with you? “But you should really leave now, he specifically said it was urgent, your highness.”

You walk quickly through the halls, enjoying the sound of your shoes hitting the tiles. You would rather run, to make up for the lost time talking with Chenle, but you aren’t supposed to, as a princess and all, it is considered unmannerly.

As you walk into the main hall, you see both of your parents as well as the familiar looking King and Queen of a nearby kingdom. And of course you couldn’t miss the boy standing next to them. While you had never met the prince before, you were certainly taken aback by his looks.

“y/n, it appears you have a suitor,” your father announces, looking proudly at the handsome boy.

“y/n, nice to meet you,” he bows. “My name is Jaemin.”

“The pleasure is mine, Jaemin,” you repeat his name, doing a curtsy of your own.

“Why don’t the two of you take a walk through the gardens as we talk?” your mother suggests. You nod and lead the way out to the back of the castle to the large garden. It was late enough that all the other workers would be done with work, leaving just you and the prince.

The two of you talk about more shallow things, getting to know about favorite colors, animals, or other useless information. You laugh along at his jokes, and find yourself swooning over his charming personality and even more charming smile.

“y/n,” his voice changes, indicating a more serious discussion. “I know you might not want to marry me. You don’t love me, well, you barely even know me. But please take some time to consider my proposal as I’ll be visiting for the rest of the week. While this marriage might be more about our parents bringing together our kingdoms, we can learn to love each other and live happy lives.”

You nod along, staying quiet to allow the boy to finish his speech. “Of course, I will consider it, Prince Jaemin,” you offer a smile to show sincerity. “It appears to be getting late. I wish you a good night,” you say before speeding off towards your bedroom.

Little did you know, your friend was watching you from the window of his quarters. Unable to hear the conversations, he watches as you laughed with the handsome prince, wishing that it was him you looked at like that.

In your room, you lied down on your bed, the springs squeaking with your sudden plunge. You were overwhelmed with odd feelings of guilt in your head, but also in your heart. For some reason you couldn’t figure out why you felt that way. There was nothing wrong with marrying Prince Jaemin; it’s what your father would want. It didn’t bother you that the marriage was political and not for love, that wasn’t the issue.

“Miss y/n,” Jisung’s voice hums outside your door.

“Come in,” you instruct.

The boy slides through your door and there it is. That’s where your feelings are coming from. It’s not that you don’t love Prince Jaemin; it’s that you do love Jisung. He seems to not notice your crisis as he continues on as usual. Well, not quite usual, as he seems more quiet and down at the moment.

“So, how’d it go?” he looks up at you. You immediately look away, your emotions for the boy suddenly making you shy.

“Well,” you tell him, afraid to admit how you really feel.

“That is… good,” he falters, hoping you didn’t catch the way he paused.

“Yes.” It is as though you two are the strangers here, as neither one of you are able to articulate yourselves. 

“Well,” Jisung clears his throat. “Is there anything I can do for you before you sleep?” He asks, following his duties as your personal servant. You wish he was asking as a friend instead. Even if he is your best friend, you know he only asks because it is his job.

“Yes, actually,” you nod. “Can you sing for me?” It was something Jisung hadn’t done in years. When you were kids, he’d sing as you fell asleep, or if you were frightened by a storm or just loud noises in the castle. Unconsciously, you smile as you reminisce on the old times. When was it that you fell in love with the servant boy? You aren’t exactly sure, but at least you know now.

“Yes, of course,” Jisung breaks you out of your thoughts with his voice.

“Wait,” you interrupt him before he can even begin. “Let me put on my pajamas first, so you can sing me to sleep like old times, okay?”

“Of course, y/n/n, I’ll just be outside your door while you change.”

Only a few moments later you okay his return, being that you changed as quickly as you could, not wanting to wait another minute to hear Jisung’s voice. You hoped it was as melodious as it was before puberty when his voice literally dropped like 10 octaves.

He walks in as you settle back under your covers. Sitting at the edge of your bed he asks you, "what would you like me to sing for you?"

"Do you remember the song from when we were kids?" He nods in response, beginning the familiar tune. You're not sure how, but his voice sounds even better now than it did back then. It almost makes you wonder why he's a servant boy instead of a performer. You close your eyes as he continues to sing softly, not quite asleep but also not quite awake. 

"Sweet dreams, princess," he whispers at the end of the song. He brings his hand up to brush a few stray strands of hair out of your face when you flutter your eyes open. "Ahhh, you're not asleep?!" He jumps in surprise, retracting his hand from you. But you were quicker than he, holding onto his wrist and placing his delicate touch back to your cheek.

"Sungie?"

"Yes, y/n/n."

"Do you think I should just marry Prince Jaemin?"

"I don't think I can answer that for you, y/n."

"Ji, I don't care if you're a servant or a prince. You're my best friend, and your opinion matters to me. I'm just worried," you whisper, trying your best to blink away the wetness in your eyes that threatens to overflow. "What if I make the wrong choice?" His heart nearly breaks seeing you so worried.

"I don't think there is a wrong choice. Just do what you think is right. You know, in your heart or whatever," he laughs at the mention of the cliche phrase.

"I don't think I can do that," you admit, offering no further explanation.

"What do you mean?"

"Because of who I am. Because the king is my father. I don't think I can do what my heart wants," a tear spills from the outer corner of your eye, but before it can make its path Jisung has already wiped it away with his finger.

"You should worry about this another time," he decides. "For now, you should get some sleep."

"Sungie?"

"Yes, y/n/n?"

"Will you stay, please?"

"Okay, but you have to promise to actually fall asleep this time," he warns you with a false, stern tone. You giggle at his antics but it dies down as he starts the song again and you drift into a far away dream.

The following morning your servant goes to wake you up as usual. He knocks on your door, waiting for the okay to enter. When it doesn't come, he cracks the door slightly to peer in. He spots you on your bed, snoring, still asleep in your dreamland.

"Y/n," he calls softly, not wanting to startle you. At no avail, he decides to enter in. Placing a hand to your shoulder, he shakes you as gently as possible. Unfortunately, you react by jolting awake and grabbing his arm violently, causing Jisung to fall on top of you.

"Princess, are you okay?" He asks loudly as the two of you look at each other with wide eyes and shocked expressions.

"Yes, yes," you catch your breath, suddenly aware of the close proximity of the boy on top of you, as well as the appearance of how this situation presents itself to any bystanders. Jisung picks up on this and quickly gets off of you while not letting go of your hold on him. "You just surprised me is all."

"You didn't have a bad dream, did you?"

"No, not at all," you grin, thinking back to your dream of running away with the boy you loved and being able to live a simple, happy life.

"You know, you should go to sleep earlier so this doesn't happen," he scolds you in a joking manner, interrupting your thoughts and bringing you back to reality. "Regardless, breakfast is ready, and do remember that we have guests, including your suitor."

You thank him as you make yourself presentable for the visiting family and prepare yourself for the war you're about to dive into with your parents.

"Mother," you speak after everyone had finished their meal. "May I discuss something with you?"

You excuse yourselves and head to an empty hall to talk.

"Mother,  I do not wish to marry Prince Jaemin," you tell her.

"Why? He is a perfectly good young man and if you turn him away, there might not be another suitor of his worth!"

"Because I do not love him," you try to explain but she cuts you off.

"Y/n, you need to think about this more seriously. This will affect everyone, so you must be wise about it."

"Mother, I love Jisung, I wish to marry him," you admit.

She gasps at your nonsensical confession. "The servant boy? Are you trying to ruin the kingdom?" She holds the bridge of her nose in frustration. "No more talk about this right now. We'll discuss this later, but please reconsider your affection for the prince."

She storms away, absolutely appalled by your suggestion. You run the other way, toward your bedroom. You don't care about the possibility of getting scolded for running as tears quickly make their way down your cheeks. Even after you've closed the door, they refuse to let up. 

As you sob into your pillow, there's a familiar tap at your door. "Miss y/n?" Jisung asks.

"Go away," you cry.

"Princess, are you alright?" You hate that you make him sound so worried. You hate that you're in love with a boy that you cannot be with.

"Go away," you repeat yourself, hearing his footsteps become more distant as you begin to despise the sound of the shoes hitting the tile floors.

You pull a pillow over your face and continue your outburst. It feels as though your tears will go on forever in endless sorrow. Until another knock sounds outside your door.

"Princess, I brought you some tea," you hear your best friend's muffled voice call out.

"Jisung please, just go-"

Blatantly ignoring your orders, he waltzes right into your room, stopping you mid sentence. 

"Y/n, what happened?" That disgusted feeling of hatred returns as you hear the worry dripping from his voice.

You open your mouth to explain, but only loud sobs escape your lips. Jisung instantly puts down the tray of tea and wraps you in a hug. "I don't want to marry the prince."

"Well if that's what you-"

"I want to marry you!" You cut him off, but refuse to let him go. You're afraid that if you release your hold on him, he'll reject you or leave. 

"But, princess," he starts. There it is, the coldness of your unfortunate situation. Reality hits you in the side of the head like a stone. You're a princess and he's a servant.

Tightening your grip on his sleeves, you admit your feelings for him. "I don't love Prince Jaemin. Jisung, I love you."

"I- I love you too, y/n," he whispers, rubbing his hands soothingly down your back as you slowly stop crying.

You finally pull away, looking at him through- now dry- puffy, red eyes. Jisung grabs either side of your face and slowly leans in, giving you enough time to recoil in favor of not doing what you're about to do. Much to his liking, you meet him halfway, pressing a long kiss to his lips. You allow yourself to revel in the bliss that is your lips on Jisung's, before you have to pull away to catch your breath.

"Let's just run away," you say, impulsively. 

"Okay," he exhales, not a care in the world for anything but you. "I'll meet you here at midnight, yeah?"

You nod. "I'll be waiting," you mumble against his lips as the two of you dive back into one another.

The rest of the day passes slowly. Jaemin continues his attempt to court you as your mother watches over you like a hawk. Her judgmental eyes follow your every move closely.

Finally, the day is closing and the servants return to their quarters to rest. The castle falls asleep, all except for you as you wait impatiently for the boy you love to come. You check the time to see midnight has long passed and begin to fret. Had Jisung fallen asleep. Had he left without you? You push that thought out of your mind, Jisung wouldn't do that. But a worse idea creeps into your brain. Had Jisung gotten caught?

You stare at your ceiling, wanting to cry. But you feel as though you've had enough crying these past few days and settle on slowly worrying yourself to sleep.

The seemingly regular knock on your door wakes you up in the morning. You desperately wait to hear Jisung's voice call your name from behind the door, to let you know that breakfast is ready, and that he is okay.

"Y/n," the voice calls. Your heart drops as the door opens, revealing the queen.

"Where's Jisung?" You ask as your heart races with stress.

She sighs, closing her eyes to emphasize her distaste with your behavior. "He's gone."

"What do you mean 'he's gone?'" With each passing second you can feel your heart break more and more.

"We wouldn't want him to interfere with your affections for Prince Jaemin," she begins to explain.

"Where is he?" You ask through gritted teeth. Your overwhelmed with anger towards your mother as she carelessly avoids your question.

"Your father and I have decided that you will be marrying the prince," she informs you, not an ounce of remorse in her tone. "And breakfast is ready, so hurry up. The prince is waiting."

As underground as you can be, you ask everyone about your missing servant. Even your go to gossip boy, Chenle, hasn't heard or seen from him all day. As far as the castle is concerned, he no longer exists.

For the rest of the day, you put on a happy mask, not letting anyone see you falter as the preparations for your engagement ceremony begin. Your false exterior only falls once you're alone, behind the closed door of your room. It is then that you realize you cannot blame anyone else.

This was your fault.

If only you hadn't devised that stupid plan. Jisung would still be here and maybe you could have convinced him to bring your favorite servant along. But, even then, you're not his, you're Jaemin's. But maybe the prince was right. Maybe you can learn to love him. But somewhere deep down you know that's not true. You already gave your heart along with your first kiss to your best friend, the servant boy.

[bepoets]

Review for Trish’s Dream Fic

Trish ( @couragedontdesertme  ) said she’d write an epilogue of the elsarik dream Fic if I made a Formal Review of the elsarik dream fic. So here we are.

Please note review should be taken VERY LIGHTLY this is more or less me re-reading the Fic and loudly yelling about things with too many exclamation points. Enjoy Trish.

Ch1

First of all imagine my fucking surprise I didn’t even know you had gotten work done on the dream fic???? Here I was thinking the link you sent me was the next chapter of city of ice and then I click on it and it saYS DREAM FIC???? E X C U S E M E oh my goodness

The first section is just so entirely domestic and beautiful and you can tell how lived in and content they are in their life as roommates. ALARIK (listen my phone autocorrects ALARIK to be in all caps and I’m too lazy to fix it so y’all are gonna have to deal with reading ALARIK’s name as if I’m yelling it every time I type it) anyway ALARIK just bringing her the chocolate croissants she loves so dearly and Elsa curling up with a book and him fretting and worrying over her being there alone all day and later... it’s just SO DOMESTIC. it’s such a small short moment but it’s so domestic and a perfect opposite of the PAIN THAT HAPPENS AFTER!!! And we al know I LOVE READING PAIN

The fact that ALARIK was only home late because he was doing tutoring to earn more money to by Elsa A PRESENT????? Shut up no one speak to me that’s true love but also PAINFUL the guilt he must feel oh my god

Elsa...stops struggling... because she doesn’t want ,,,, ALARIK ,,,, to get hurt. Because she cares for his safety more than her own because he has protected her and he is her friend and she loves him I am going to SCREAM

The fact that you use the phrase ~marching her out of the warmth of the room~ when she just used her magic to like cover the walls in frost makes my Heart burst cause idk if it was intentional or not but I just love the thought that this room has become Home to her it’s become safe and beautiful and lovely and WARM because it is full of love and friendship and companionship rather than the cold loneliness of say her ice palace of her locked room as a child. I like to think Elsa could have covered the room entirely in ice and snow and frost and it would still feel warm to her because of the love that’s developed there thank you for coming to my tedtalk

Ugh fuck hans

I have literally no words other than fuck hans for any section with hans in it I DONT even want to RECOGNIZE THAT HE EXISTS !!! Making Elsa feel like she’s nothing I am going to punch him in the eye

~ALARIK weeps over smushed chocolate croissant. End scene~

I know that it’s such a heartbreaking sad ending for that first chapter but also I really can’t stop laughing about him crying over a stepped on croissant since I know that your like planning note for that last scene was literally just some variant of ALARIK cried over a smushed croissant and that’s just such a funny IMAGE TO ME EVEN THOUGH ITS SAD

I just like to imagine ALARIK cradling the chocolate croissant in his arms like a bébé as he sobs

Ch2

I’m fucking S A D

ALARIK having like NO MONEY and just thinking about that the money he has was going to go to a gift for Elsa and the guard LAUGHING AT HIM LIKE THATS IT THATS ALL YOU HAVE?? Like shut UP HES TRYING TO SAVE HIS BELOVED

P e t t y c h a n g e HE IS TRYING MR GUARD I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW HE WORKED EXTRA TO GET THAT MONEY

ALARIK is so fucking DEVOTED I’m going to run through a goddamn wall I cannot cope. Willing to sell the clothes off his back have you ever seen an idiot more iN LOVE

ALARIK just going willingly cause he has no fight left in him and he just wants to see Elsa even if it means he gets imprisoned too oh my GOD

THE SCENE ITS THE SCENE!!!!!!!!!

STRAIGHT FROM TRISH’S SUBCONSCIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT STARTED IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!

ALARIK wanting to hold her hands when her hands are what are chained up and seen as dangerous and what ~make her a witch~ the absolute love and power that holds.

LET ALARIK AND ELSA HOLD HANDS

“I promised to keep you safe” the pain I feel oh mY GOD

“They’ll KILL you” they’re really out here trying to protect each other at all costs oh my god nothing matters more to the other than keeping the other safe and for that I want to cry and love them and also I want to ram their heads into the wall because wHY WONT THEY JUST PROTECT ESCH OTHER TOGETHER

The PARALLEL OH MY FUCKING GOD

the P A R A L L E L of ALARIK stilling and no longer struggling when the guards threaten Elsa’s death in the same way that Elsa stilled and stopped struggling when they threatened ALARIK’s death oh my god that broke me right there

U g h hans fuck that guy

A N N A !!!!!!!!

When I first read this,,, I DONT know why??? But for some reason??? I didn’t think Anna would be in it???? Which like thinking back on that it makes no sense of COURSE Anna would be in the FIC why would I ever think otherwise. But anyway I was so surprised when she showed up I literally gasped and went ANNA??? Out loud because I was so shocked

ALFAFA GERANIUM

ALARIK really is just so bad under pressure who thought this was a good idea

AG FOR SHORT wink wink nudge nudge cough cough

I’ll be thinking about ALARIK shouting alfafa geranium on my death bed let us never forget

“No harm, no foul” is literally the most fucking Anna line I’ve ever heard. She absolutely would say that to someone who was being question for a crime she’d be like “it’s not biggy”

Why is it that when hans says “BUT ANNA!!!” I hear it like he’s wining like a petulant child I read it like “bUT annNNAAAAA” ugh I hate him

“Don’t scream” *ALARIK’s inner monologue* “this ,, is the story of how I died”

ILL HELP YOU HELP HER ESCAPE!!!!! HELL YEA YOU WILL ANNA HELL YEA YOU WILL

Ch3

My dumbass really went “why are none of the children named neta” before remembering that is the child of Anna and Kristoff and these...are the children of Anna ,,, and .... ugh please don’t make me say his name

I would die for these kids though I love them and I want to protect them at all costs 

Johannes at 5 (and a half!!!!) being a fine soldier GOOD FOR HIM

Isak owns my entire heart from the moment he started fake crying for his mother what a star performer a true Actor he’s too good

Arendellian Royal Guards, are they guards? Or are they simply baby sitters? The world may never know

JOAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One of the babies being named JOAN!!! Hang in there Joan!!!!!!!!! That made me cry oh my god J O A N

Bébé Isak lookout supreme with his big eyeballs and smile and goofy lil salute I love him

The fact that Elsa says she felt stupid for being lured into a false sense of security means she felt secure and safe for literally the first time since she was a child when she was with ALARIK and I cannot properly articulate how much that made me cry I love that so much that has to mean sO MUCH TO HER oh my god

“You have to get out!! Do the magic!!” NO ONE SPEAK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT THIS LINE FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL MONTHS I LITERALLY WEPT

the use of DO THE MAGIC oh my god AND ELSAS HEART LIKE BREAKING BECAUSE SHE FEELS LIKE SHE CANT

DO ! THE ! MAGIC !

Brave little boy with his mother’s determination saying “be brave. That’s what mama said to tell you” oh my GOD THESE CHILDREN HAVE MY WHOLE HEART OH MY GOD

A rooster crow for the signal COUKD they be more obvious I love these kids they’re ridiculous they are truly the children of Anna

Elsa!!! Chose!! To be!!! Brave!!!

IF SHE TRIED TO SAY GOODBYE TO ELSA!!! SHE MAY NEVER LET GO!!!

SHE HAD NO WHERE TO GO!!! BUT SHE DOES BEVAUSE THERES ALARIK WAITING FOR HER BECAUSE GUESS WHAT

ALARIK IS HER HOME !!!!! HE IS HER HOME !!!! SHE CAN GO TO HIM!!!!

Queue another one of my shocked and delightfully surprised screams as I shouted KRISTOFF????? Because blonde dude driving a reindeer cart

Let’s get you somewhere safe I’m going to cry THEYRE finally together again and they can keep each other safe together as. They. Should.

They are cuddling and my heart is exploding oh my god ALARIK seems so surprised like you big dumb idiot you’re both in love with each other it’s a mutual thing get with the program

SLEEP ELSA! ITS GOING TO BE OKAY! AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN PROBABLY FOREVER! IT WILL BE!

Ch4

*queue another gasp* there’s only one bed?????

Yea I saw it coming yea I was just as shocked even so yea I got very excited about it wHAT DID YOU EXPECT

They’re cUDDLING and he went to move away and she DOESNT WANT HIM TO they could’ve been sharing a bed THIS WHOLE TIME AND I JUST WANT TO SCREAM BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY

ALARIK laying all the credit on kristoff and the kids when he’s kind of the one that steamrolled the whole plan into happening because he’s the one who showed up ALARIK please give yourself more credit

“You came back” “of course I came back... I couldnt ...” “why?” And then ALARIK refusing to meet her eyes has me absolutely weeping this is the kind of shit I THRIVE ON this is truly a gift to us all everyone say thank you Trish for these three bits of dialogue I will be thinking about them for all my days

ELSA KISSED HIM!!!!!!!!!

Yeah I do lose my shit anytime Elsa is the one to make the first move you go girl you go

THE SPICE VENDOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bringing in all my favorites I am going to cry thank you Trish I love Darius

I SUPPOSE YOU TWO HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN MARRIED

listen I SCREAMED WHEN HE SAID THAT I SQUAWKED!!!! MARRIED!!!!!!

I had been observing you two and just assumed!!!!! You would assume right mr spice vendor sir if they WERENT so stupid for so long it’s okay we understand

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ??? And Elsa says MARRY US? And ALARIK is going to PASS THE FUCK OUT

He literally got to finally kiss the woman he’s in love with for the first time last night and now they’re getting married poor boy is going to get WHIPLASH from how fast things are progressing but it’s okay im sure he is happy

Elsa’s little vows of just needing each other and keeping each other safe and keeping company and not needing gold or silver ugh TRUE LOVE

And ALARIK hopelessly devoted to her being like I PROMISE

“just you being there no matter what is enough” peak romance true love the devotion the dedication I’m a wreck

LE SMOOCH! LE MARRIAGE! INCREDIBLE I LOVE THEM

~end review~

Okay where is my epilogue please and thank you

[losthunx]

something edited.

The light filtered in, it’s warm glow settling upon your cheekbone. The sun had been rising later and later each day with the apocalypse coming closer. Although, with everything going to shit, that didn’t quite matter to me. The sun always found you. I knew it’d never leave you alone. I knew it would seek you during every waking hour it had, because it loved you, and it’d never stop loving you. It was drawn to you, even in your sleep. As you slumber, i watch the sun cast it’s rays onto you, as if to say “Wake up. The time for slumber has long passed.” Your nose scrunches in response, and with a sleepy sigh, your eyes open. A sleepy smile graces your lips, and somehow, the world stops in its tracks. When i’d first met you i’d noticed your energy. It was a burning, bright thing that melted my defenses away. It claimed the space in my heart with a swan-like grace, and a soft kind of comfort that'd I'd never expect. I loved you in silence yet, I also loved you louder than anyone i have loved before. I thought you’d be something comforting and warm to bask in, until the clouds came back and solitude found me again. I was wrong. You were so much more. You were the brightness and the darkness, both warm to the touch and no longer terrifying. You were death and life, happiness and bone crushing sadness, dramatism and minimalism. You were everything i thought I’d never need to experience. Yet, here I am laying next to you in a lone bed we'd found next to this abandoned building. We'd run from The End, when it first appeared. The feeling of everything falling apart was something we couldn't handle. So, instead of handling it, we pretended it never existed. We skipped town at the first chance we got, and pretended that we were headed to a resort. Like, somehow if we dreamed hard enough, it'd come true. But running doesn't stop the arrival of the things we didn't like, it only fooled us into thinking we were in control. I gaze into your eyes, and feel my lips split into the brightest half moon I could manage. Looking into your eyes was gazing into life’s deepest secrets and finding the beauty within them. The warmth of your soul feels like a hazy afternoon standing in front of your kitchen doorway. An afternoon that leads to the warmth your mother’s hands on your shoulder, the other above your head. It’s the softness of that hand and the aroma of the food it played part in making. It’s the gooey feeling inside your chest; warm like chocolate chip cookies. I say all this to say: Darling, your soul feels like growth. Life changing, bursting growth. And as i stare growth in its face, in love with every growing pain, you open your mouth and- “Baby? You ok?” a chuckle, and then, “You’re kinda staring baby boy.” The world comes rushing back. I nod, brushing the hair off your forehead, before leaning down to plant a kiss on the unnatural warmth there. Pulling you closer, I mumble into your skin, “Fine, babe. Always fine when I’m with you. “ I pull back from your embrace, eyes teary before crushing you in my arms again. “Love of my life. That’s what you are. “ Your nose brushes against my chest as your head tilts heaven-ward. Big eyes blink back at me, love wrapping around your irises. A stretch of silence follows as we stare at each other, and then, “We have a month, you know.” Those words vibrate against my throat, as I continue to run my hands through your hair, hoping for a quiet death. Quiet, but full of love as the leaves fall in October. My answer comes late, but it still comes. Soft, and truthful, and finally tired of running. “Yeah. Yeah, I know.” My nails scratch against your scalp as the lighting brightens, before deepening. My lips find your forehead, and press against it with fervor. A pleased hiss resonates in the air. I pull back, glancing at your lips. At how sweet-looking they are, at how enticing they are. Before I know it, I find myself leaning forward to reach your lips. When we connect, my heart picks up an extra beat before smoothing into the same soothing beat it’d been before. This kiss, held every insecurity I couldn't voice, and the hope that somehow, on your lips, it'd speak volumes. We separate a few seconds later, and somehow the room somehow feels a little warmer. My hand traces a line from your hair to your nape, and then  caresses it’s way to the skin of your collarbone. “Is there anything else you wanna do, before next month? October, I mean. I mean, you know what I mean.” I stumble over my words. The End was next month. Still, thinking of the end as The End was harsh. So, without much questioning we’d taken to calling it October.  After all, it was a little more comforting to turn "The End" into memories of pumpkin spice lattes, chilly weather, and carnivals. Your breath hitches, and I swear that if your body wasn’t pressed to mine, I’d completely miss it. “No. I hope we never see October.” It spills out of your mouth like black ink on parchment paper. You close your eyes and bury deeper into my chest. “I’m gonna miss this when it’s done. Don’t know where I’ll be...but I’ll miss it anyway.” The words twist at my insides until I can feel nausea rising to the surface. “Yeah. Me too, darling. Me too.” I sigh and run my hands along your back in an attempt to comfort you. You let out a slow breath as the tears you were trying to hide behind your eyelids come rushing forward. Slowly at first, and then much faster. Your shoulders start to shake and barely audible croaks sound from your throat. I lift your chin so I can kiss it. While there, I bury my head into your neck and rest my lips on your neck. I knew for a fact it soothed you, so i layed there, feeling your pulse against my lips and having the urge to hold it in my mouth. I’d take good care of it. I’d let it live in my mouth and be intimate with all the words I could never fully articulate. As retribution for taking your pulse, I’d give you mine, and live within the warmth of the best person I’d ever known. In another world  this fantasy of mine could be real. But, this world is the way it is, and no amount of praying, and begging, and hoping can erase it’s issues. (I’ve tried, and it never worked. The first time I prayed to a god I didn't believe in; begging on my knees with hands outstretched, was for her. And ever since then, the only way I can force my tongue to give devotion to a god who never cared, is for her.) I began to hum a song I knew she loved in hopes of soothing her and getting her to go back to sleep. After all, her strength was fading, as was everyone’s strength here. As her health further deteriorated, her skin seemed to cling to her bones. Before long her hands had begun to shake, and her breath began to slip out of her control like elusive wind. Simply put, the world was tearing everything apart, and it had started with her. I tighten my hands around her skinny frame, and find myself begging to whatever god would listen. “Don’t take her without me, don’t leave me alone! If she has to die, take me with her. I’m not needed here, you don’t need me. Just don’t... let her go on her own. “ And as the sun (which i hadn’t even noticed was doing her last dance across the planes of the sky, until now.) said her small farewells, I felt a warmth race down my spine. A warmth that signified, that at the very least, she shouldn’t be on her own when it was her time to go. Whether that be now, next week, the next week, or in October. That small consolation was enough to remove the shake from my hands (that i also didn’t notice was happening, wow. That’s weird, right?) like it’d never been there. My hands caress her back, and i watch as her breath lifts and rises in a synchronized dance that signified sleep. With a last squeeze to her body, I move her away from me and tuck her deeper into the bed. She needs all the sleep she can get. I exit the bed, and put on my hunting coat. I grab my hunting rifle, a switchblade, and with one last kiss to her head and a glance, I leave to collect dinner.

-

ik i’m not that amazing of a writer but please do not steal this :). I worked really hard on it and now i’m rlly sleepy and i dont wanna have to hunt you down and snatch my writing from ur nasty fingies. still, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy whatever I come out with next time. 

[leviathiane]

SHOW US YOUR WROR RAW UNPROCESSED WHOLE GRAIN ORGANIC NOTES

this is going to be a long-ass post i am so sorry to Everyone! i take a lot of notes.

So, as You specifically know (as well as all of my lovely Soggers) I take a LOT of notes. Obsessively. I write fucking everything bc i have very little memory and very much paranoia. This results in literal Piles of notes. Raw planning, on paper, on my phone– doodles of scenes im brainstorming, bulletpoints, entire SCRIPTS– it’s all there but scattered (I’ve got scenes planned in the margins of my goddamn anthropology notes and deciphering it was a NIGHTMARE) 

I won’t even upload all the photos of my writing notebook, because itd be like 50 pages of illegible nonesense. but heres a couple of planning phase pages. (may be hard to read, I dropped this notebook both into some tidepools, into a creek on campus, and accidentally leaked my waterbottle onto it in my backpack :/) 

if you can’t tell already, yes they all look exactly like this. Some are even more illegible, because I wrote them with the notebook half under my actual class notes. Because i wrote most of them in class. During lectures. And pretending very badly that i was not doing exactly that. (pay attention in class please i got away with this bc i was filling up elective units) 

I’m also flat out MISSING a large portion of my notes bc some of it? isnt even in the damn notebook. its on a sheet of binder paper, or on the empty back of an assignment. I’ve now lost most of those notes, but the ones i do still have are just as (even more, actually) indecipherable chicken scratch: 

Wow, how clean and tidy and easy to follow! i am in hell. 

and this doesnt mention the PAGES and PAGES of outlines that are on my laptop, and the pages of outlined scenes that are on the notes app of my phone. if i put them all, you would have entire chapter spoilers up to the very end of the story so i cant post a lot of them– and also theres just a goddamn lot of them. currently i have 16 pages of outlining. There are no spacing breaks. It is a solid 16 page block of text. Looking at it gives me a migraine. 

some assorted notes which i have dredged up from the deleted parts of the main draft google doc go all the way back to when i started Wror in June and they are Barely more readable than my handwriting on sheer account of: articulation is not my strength. These include: 

“Ch 8 plan: sabo gets trained specially, awakens his armament haki, beats ace in a bunch of spars and proves himself to be anything but vulnerable. The boys are like “we fucking recognize that technique ryu taught you before us!!” and goad ryu into finally starting them both on basic haki training, just to awaken it, since sabo already has. Also this is the chapter that ace finally confronts ryu for his devil fruit after ryu confirms that some devil fruit users can’t be hurt without haki and ace immediately catches onto that and tries to slam his pipe through ryus head. It doesn’t work, ryu catches the weapon with a haki covered hand, to avoid turning to flame with hit and ace just gets frustrated and accuses ryu of hiding his devil fruit, because he remembers what he saw in grey terminal and that now that he has seen haki he can distinguish it from what he saw and he’s sure no one could do what ryu did. He calls ryu a hypocrite for coddling them even after telling them to stop coddling sabo and ryu has to sit them down and explain that yes he does have powers and he has been hdiing it and explains his reasoning. However instead of understanding th eboys just get fired up and say they don’t wnt to be scared of fire, especially not when it means ryu isn’t taking them seriously in a spar. Ryu finally agrees to start them on desensitization training for fire trauma. Fire desensitization training happens on the beach, so that they have water nearby in case things get out of hand. At some point ace gives ryu a considering look and is just like “if you have a devil fruit that means you can’t swim either right?” and ryu is basically just like “lmao yeah” and then ace immediately attempts to drown him. Lots of murder attempts in ace’s department toget his older brother to be less of an idiot with little success lol(extra: ace tried to attack ryu earlier both to confirm that ryu has a devil fruit that would force him to use haki to hide it, and because he now knows that he CAN’T hurt ryu without haki and as thus can’t beat him and make him admit he’s awake without being good at haki.)” [chapter 8] 

“Small sabo lost his hat and goggles in the incident and while he doesn’t remember having them future sabo notices he looks uncomfortable and keeps touching his hair and head. Ace yells at him for it thinking he bandaging are bothering him and that he can’t touch them but little sabo just comments that something about it feels wrong. Luffy blurts our that he had a hat, like luffy does, But he doesn’t now ace begrudgingly mentions that they can’t get a new one in town. Future sabo doesn’t even hesitate and just plops his own hat onto his younger selves head. It clearly too big for him, and almost falls over his eyes but he grins up at future sabo and is like “wow!! Thank you! I’ll take care of it till I have one of my own” and creates a paradox like Luffys own hat. The footsteps younger sabo has yet to fill. This HAS to happen AFTER the talk where they explain that future and past sabo are both the same person, to give little sabo that pressure.” [chapter 9]

“(Right after this older sabo takes them down to the ocean so that they can play a little and desensitize themselves and immediately fucks himself over when he goes weak in the water bc he somehow fucking forgot his own devil fruit again and now even younger sabo is on his case about not letting him near the fucking ocean that little goddamn HYPOCRITE—) )” [for chapter 9]

“Ch 9 plan: they finally leave dawn island. Starts with the boys getting a haircut after training and luffy mentions how long it’s been since they’ve last needed a haircut, giving sabo and ace time to point out that it’s been 2 months now since ryu joined them, and that sabo was completely healed by now. The boys are now aware of the basics of haki, and while luffy hasnt awakened either yet ace and sabo both have a little bit of weak armament haki. (sabo won’t awaken observational haki until he gets his memories back) ryu tries to sneak off into the city to steal a boat but his brothers refuse to leave him behind and keep sneaking out after him, not wanting him to go alone and saying that since he’s been training them they’re clearly stronger and he needs to let them do this. Ryu eventually just lets it go because why the fuck not it’s a dream and they make him feel better. They get the boat out on open ocean and finally fucking sail out, cheering loudly, ryu struggling to make them all calm down but also not really trying. He’s happy as shit, and they’re all so excited and happy and sabo dips a hand into the waves and then smiles so fucking wide and tackles ryu so violently they both nearly tip into the water and it’s just very very good. “ [also for ch 9] 

** I flat out dont Have any outlining from before chapter 6, because i only started actually outling chapters after that. i tend to just sit down and Write up until i hit a plot point or writers block and then am forced to actually think it through and plan rather than letting it come naturally. thats also why the quality and editing is better in later chapters despite everything being written within the same time frame. 

besides entire chapter outlines, there are the scene specific phone notes like:

“(ADDED) Right after they leave dawn, when sabo is sure they’ve gotten enough of a head start, he calls Garp. He doesn’t say who he is, but that all of the boys are safe and happy with him and has them all talk into the phone to assure him that they’re fine. Garp is honestly just pissed off he doesn’t know who’s calling and when he asks sabo just laughs and says a disobedient brat before hanging up. “

“(ADDED) TO EXPAND ON CH 3: sabo gets offered the chance to go with dragon, and he hesitates on the offer to go through with his previous life with the family he’s made in the revolutionary again. He almost agrees, because the bought of losing them in this lifetime is near excruciating but reminds himself swiftly that it’s no place for his brothers and not what they’d really want, and he wants selfishly to be with them as long as he Can until he “inevitably” wakes up. The boys are visibly relieved by this, especially ace. (Sabo gets asked who he is by dragon, who wants to know more about the stranger with his son, but dragon has always been quicker to make connections no one guessed and he just smiled knowingly at sabo and tells him he’s sure the other will have no trouble finding them if he’s in need. Sabo in turn warns him to keep Kuma close, and to look for a slave girl named koala.)”

I have…. many of these. I have Many of Everything. 

finally, i have scene doodles. if i hit a bad writers block it usually helps me to sketch scenes or the character designs to regain my grip on what the hell is happening in the plot– Breach of Intention has character design sketches, pakcbond has MANY scene sketches, even some of my nsfw has some sketches. my wror skecthes arent Good of course, I am an art teacher for children and that means i am more often explaining the color wheel and brush techniques over drawing perfect human replicas– and i just dont really make a lot of fanart? ive never drawn sabo before but i sure have a bunch now. i wont include close ups because they genuinely suck but heres an example pic 

So… yeah thats about everything. this is a VERY long post and yet i only included like maybe ¼ or 1/5 of all the notes i have dbskhjgfkjadns lmk if anyone wants more (or notes for my Other stories, which contain NO WHERE the same absurd amount of shit that wror does.)

[loki-fanfic-whore]

Falling From Olympus ch.16

Warnings- none

@drakesfiance @kybaeza @sunshine-and-riverwater @woohoney @puppens101 @saxgirl21

Chapter 16 Birth

"I beg your pardon lyra?" Loki spoke softly holding your unconcious form.

"Excuse me, my prince, but I know what I hear. She is carrying twins. And that is even more dangerous. She has carried them far too long for them to be healthy. I will have to cut her open and pull them out." She and the other healer began to ready your body.

"You may want to look away your highness. She will bleed and there will be organs showing." She then donned gloves and slit you down the center of your large belly. True to her word blood dripped from the wound and Loki felt bile rise in his throat. The healer cut through multiple layers and then rearranged some organs to get to your womb. She cut into the womb and sure enough she pulled from the womb a very large and screaming blue child. It had a tuft of black hair on it head and lungs that could put anyone to shame. She handed the child off to the other healer who cut the cord and began to clean the babe. She then pulled out a much smaller, but still lung strong babe. This one was longer instead of broader, but screamed just as well. She handed this babe off as well and set to work closing you up.

A monitor began to flash and beeping loudly and Loki's head snapped from the babies crying to you. Your breathing was shallow and you were deathly pale.

"No. No no no. Please don't do this. I need you. The babies need you. We need you. My realm needs its queen." His tears were heavy and flowed onto your cheeks as the monitor alarmed that your heart had stopped. The healer pulled you from his arms forcefully and pushed him out of the way as they performed cpr.

Pressing down on your sternum as it cracked under the pressure of them forcing your heart to beat. Loki ran to the babies and picked them up holding both of them to his chest as they all cried together.

Demeter stepped into the room and glared at everyone.

"Leave her." She commanded but the healers kept pumping the compressions.

Demeter strode forward and pulled the healer off of you, throwing her across the room.

"I said leave her. She was ungrateful and deserves this." She stood over your quickly cooling corpse as Loki held his sobbing children to his chest.

"How dare you! Get out! I command it!" He roared as guards came in and forcefully removed Demeter from the room. The healers quickly set about trying to bring you back as Loki prayed. He tried to shush the babies but nothing seemed to work. Deep down he wondered if they were still contacted to you and knew you were severing that connection.

"We got her back, but its weak. Quickly." The compressing healer jumped off of you and grabbed a kit to give you blood. Loki laid the finally settled twins down and stepped forward rolling his sleeve up. Demeter re-entered and cleared her throat.

"We need to talk." She said softly staring at your limp form.

"Indeed we do." Loki hissed.

You opened your eyes and groaned weakly.

"Where- where is the babe?" You felt the need to ask.

"Shhh you've lost a lot of blood. As have I. The babes are fine. Sleeping." Loki cooed softly as he gently petted your head.

"You had twin Jotun within you. One is a great stout son. Like thor but blue and looks like you. The other is a thin and long girl. She resembles me." He chuckled as your eyes widdened and tears of happiness flowed.

"I feel so weak. It took so much out of me." You mumbled feeling tired still.

"Yes well, I told you carrying a Jotun was incredibly dangerous. You not only carried them past term. You carried two together. I am absolutely shocked you got out unscathed." He half lied. He snaked a hand into yours.

"Your mother and I reached an agreement as well. You shall live with me here in asgard, then traverse back to her for the mortals. Then about five revolutions of the moon you shall stay with her, then return to me." He smiled as you audibly gasped. Not at what he had said but as you looked past him at Lyra who was holding your babies. You reached for them and hissed as your chest ached. You looked down to see the bruising all over you.

"Complications I am afraid. You will heal soon enough." Lyra smiled and handed over your children as you stared down at them in amazement.

"We made these. They are...so beautiful...and ours." You were having a hard time articulating your thoughts as you stared down at them.

The girl yawned and reached out as her brother reached out and took her hand. They both snuggled together in an asymmetrical yinyang.

"You falling from your realm was the best thing that has happened to me...I love you so much my queen." Loki smiled as he kissed your forehead.

You laughed and kissed his lips.

"I never thought about it like that, but you are right. Falling from Olympus was the best thing to ever happen to me. I have everything I have ever wanted and couldn't ask for more..." you whispered as Loki held you and you held the twins. You had fallen from Olympus, but you had come home.

"Hi love, welcome home." Loki said softly kissing your head, as if reading your mind. You smiled and sighed contentedly.

"Now, how about some clothes?" Loki teased and you laughed weakly.

"Gods dont have to wear clothes where I come from. And you never complained before the babes." You teased back.

The air in this realm was different, fresher and more fitting for your lungs. This indeed was your new home. And you couldnt be happier.

Fin

[ladyalice101]

Just read your fic "you gave all you had (and now i am whole)" on AO3 (I'm KaisaSegher there, btw) and let me just say it was amazing! I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself here, but it truly was. Thank goodness we have people like you to fix the mess D&D made, really. THIS is what should have happened, at some point. Heck, in my mind it will. What are your thoughts on the finale? Any favourite headcanons you'd like to share? Anyway, keep your amazing work! Big hug

ok ok ok i just typed this huge ass response to this and tumblr has swallowed it and deposited it in the aether, but i will retype though perhaps more briefly haha. 

so firstly, THANK YOU. you aren’t repeating yourself but even if you were i would still LOVE this bc you went to the effort to not only tell me you loved it once, but TWICE. you’re so kind and you have no idea how much it means to me. truly, thank you. 

so the finale - i dont have much to say that hasn’t already been said, but i still will answer! 

my biggest issue is that there was no release of tension. we spent 8 season with these protagonists, with their hopes and dreams, and not a single one of them got what they wanted. 

jon wanted to find a place to belong - i would argue he found that with sansa, though i know others disagree. some probably say that he found a place amongst the wildlings (and yes i do think this is true on some level), and i could probably be happier about jon’s ending being north of the wall if not for the way they framed it. we have a montage of jon getting back to castle black (the place he left bc he was fucking MURDERED there), and then we have him ride out north of the wall with sad music playing behind (notably jon doesn’t smile ONCE), and the camera is positioned inside the wall as the gate closes on jon, who is looking back over his shoulder, signifying that jon can’t go south again and he’s really upset about it. maybe if he smiled a bit. a quirk of his lips as the gate closed, or as he rode into the forest. but no. nope.

sorry, but i really can’t find it in myself to find that ‘sweet’ in any way. it’s just straight up bitter. it’s just straight up sad. 

sansa - my girl deserved to get agency over herself, and that’s why i like her being queen. the north deserved a queen as good as sansa. but? where is the personal fulfilment? sansa’s entire arc was about her romantic naiveté being ripped from her, so where was the full circle moment where she realises that life isn’t hopeless? where she and we get the fulfilment of realising that she was right all along, that there is magic is falling in love and being loved. 

so like cool she was ‘trained’ to be queen and she is, but that’s not what her arc was about and to reduce it to that is upsetting. 

i won’t get in to arya and bran - bc i’d just be repeating myself with the whole ‘they should be with family like they all fought for for 8 seasons’, or repeating other’s who have articulated the problems much better. 

but they tried to sell us some whack bs this season man.

life isn’t shit and then you die and it’s fucked up that they tried to tell us that it is. 

oh no, of course, i’m forgetting the two characters who deserved to get the happy endings that they did - tyrion and bronn! those two did such great things in the show and they deserved to be the only two were rewarded with everything they ever wanted! 

ha. ha ha ha. i’m going to cry myself to sleep. 

so why does this matter so much to me? 

when i first started watching got, my personal life was extremely different to what it is now. that’s to be expected, of course, because it’s been four years. i won’t go in to TOO much detail, bc shit’s about to get really fucking personal even though you didn’t ask hahaha, but earlier this year i was diagnosed with a genetic mutation called BRCA1 which basically means that my lifetime chance of getting breast cancer is 80% (it’s 12% for other women) and 40% for ovarian cancer (which, from memory, is 2% for other women). so my chance are pretty high. i got tested bc my mum got breast cancer late last year, and we have a family history, so she was tested for the BRCA1 mutation and was found positive. i decided to get tested, too. (my mum just finished treatment last month and it’s looking really good for her, thank GOD).

god do i know that this is not the worst thing that i could have been diagnosed with but i’m only 21 and i have to get 6 monthly clinical exams and scans done. by the time i’m 30 i’ll probably have had to have gotten a double mastectomy, and by the time i’m 40 i have to have had all my reproductive organs removed - ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus, all of it. 

so. i’m 21. i’m single, and quite a romantic. i don’t expect to have found my life partner in the next few years, and i expect even less to be married by the time i’m 30. i’m facing the very real possibility of not being able to carry my own child, of not being able to breastfeed any child i do have. 

sure, not the worst, but it’s not great - but what does it do to my romantic prospects? at worst, it would turn men away (not that i’d want those weakass men that can’t see past that but you get the point), at best it would likely create some tension at some point. 

and do you know what got taught me this year? 

that life is shit and then you die. 

so amidst all of that fucking bullshit in my life, game of thrones s8 barged in and told me that the characters that i identify with (the sansa’s, the jon’s) they don’t get a happily ever after, despite what they hope for, what they want. they sacrifice everything, they go through all of that bullshit, just to never fall in love, just to be punished for doing the right thing. 

now maybe you read all of that and you’re like “oh that’s sad about the brca thing but i dont see what that has to do with got and maybe you should seperate them and move on” like most people in my life have told me. and trust me, one day i probably will. i want to now, but unfortunately i can’t. 

and that’s what upset me. media isn’t supposed to do that, isn’t supposed to make you so upset about your own life. they can claim realism all they want, but if they wanted to be realistic they wouldn’t have fucking thrown out arcs and stories and people having like actual consequences for their actions. realism is not just ‘there are no happy endings in real life��.  

so, in conclusion, game of thrones ruined my life. haha nah, but, really? they couldn’t have given us some sweet with that bitter? 

anyway. WHOO. that’s a long ass reply. as for headcanons - i don’t really have much tbh but if i think of some i’ll put them in a post. if there’s headcanons around a specific thing you want to see, then send me a message/ask bc you’ll probably prompt my imagination and i want to give you everything. 

otherwise thank you SO much for reading my story and this reply! xxx 

[ironghoul]

(hey yall)

(So its been a while and im v sorry ive been away so long!!!! ;; my mental health has crashed and gotten really, really bad over the past few months (my bipolar disorder+manic depression in specific) and its been very hard for me to function on a daily basis, and unfortunately the act of writing things, from general messages to RP posts to fic to ecen this post, has become very VERY hard for me bc of the brainfog I endure from my bipolar 2. My ghost muse in general has also kind of gone to sleep in a sense LMAO and i cant be 100% certain as to why it did, though i have some p clear ideas on what at least contributed (from the state of this fanbase being, to put it bluntly, complete Scheiße and also i got super into the Suspiria remake anskdkdshusjdj). Im making this post today bc a) i honestly really miss this blog a lot and b) i wanna get back into rping again...really bad. Im just not really sure of what my brain is gonna do next and how capable of keeping up w replies im gonna be bc of that ;; so I dont wanna rush into smthn I cant dedicate to again yet nor like.....push myself back into RPing if im not ready yknow???

I have however had a couple thoughts abt Irons character recently, and esp after having so much time away from her, ive begun to realize that I might want to change quite a few big things about her???? After thinking abt it some ive come to realize that im not really sure that like....i want to keep her so much how she is now, which is still very coherent and humanlike with a few inhuman traits here and there, so just super fucking depressed and angry and grieving all of the time, etc. For one, I honestly had more of the intention when I first made Iron to make her wayyyy more feral than I have been depicting her in my RPs, and as well, idk if its just a moodswing or something or other but I have found myself growing very weary of iron's horrible neuroses and constant sadness; maybe ive just been through too much recently or its my mental health but Im so sick of having this character just be literally so horribly fucked up and tragic and sad all the time yknow??? Like im just...im weary lmao i dont seem to have the perserverance anymore to have that be her set character bc like its starting to hurt me too at this point and im sick of it, and so what Ive been thinking about in specific is that I think I would like to make some kind of marginal changes to her character. I always ended up forgetting to make iron more feral and animalistic most of the time bc i myself am a...human LMAO and so thats the only life experience i know, obviously, and I think i was so afraid when I first made her to make her meaner or more monstrous bc she might not have really "fit in" well with everyone elses OCs and also I was afraid ppl just wouldn't wanna interact w her if she was Too Mean ahsjdnbdhdhsk but now at this point i think im ready to say fuck that to all of that bc Ive definitely learned now that yall will really interact w just about any character with any personality type or behavior or whatnot, and also, i think it would not only make iron more interesting but more fun for me to write if she was more of a....you know...Awful Gremlin LMFAO and life is short, OCs and RPing were made for fun too and i dont have Time to worry abt that stuff and end up having to sacrifice half of my preferred vision for this character in the process. So basically i think she would definitely still be pretty sad abt Papa 3 but she abolutely wouldnt be constantly haunted and tortured by it anymore, and I also think I want to remove that whole little tidbit abt her always being kind of violent post-ghoulification, even before 3 died. She would also act a lot less human on a regular basis, like i would have her still being perfectly capable of walking upright, talking, being neat and having critical/articulate thinking skills & emotions etc, however there would be a new quality to her of her primarily being, well, again: feral. Not speaking much, probably running around barefoot quite often and sometimes crawling/moving around on all fours, having that sort of primal timidness with whatever new things she experiences, putting things in her mouth off the ground that shouldnt be there, etc you know how it is. She would basically be like fucking Spongegar (Irongar if u will) most of the time LMAO but again she would still be perfectly capable of acting more "humanlike", and staying in line with that Iron Brand Personality(tm) she would absolutely pick and choose who she would decide to act more 'composed' around VS who she wouldnt and would also definitely purposefully act way More feral than she rly is around (to spite some of them im sure). She would probably be more prone to (gasp) Actually Smiling and being happy on a reg basis too, not just being this dark cloud of an awkward troubled depressing fuck tbh. Which fits in more with how im thinking I want to portray her now.

So thats all that, sorry this went on so long and i cant put it under a readmore bc im currently on mobile ahsjdjdjdndjd but like i hope i said what i needed to say well enough. I also wanna know yalls (esp my mutual RP partners!) Thoughts and Onions on the changes I might make to Irons character!!! Ty all, ily 💙💙💙)

[banesbottombitch]

Headcannons of the bowers gang as single parents?🤔 btw, love your writing!

Fuck it, lets do this. I’ve got so many feelings about this. For disclaimers sake, the boys are 20-25, so college age. This is long.

Henry “You are my Sunshine but you’re also a Pain” Bowers

First of all, he was’t ready. Nothing prepared him to end up alone, with a baby that was his newest and most precious responsibility.

The mothers either DIED, or straight up left the baby in his arms and was  like “your problem now” either way, he does not consider adoption. 

Called Vic first, actually crying, because how the fuck does he do better for this kid than his dad did for him? He has no idea how to nurture, to care, to help something grow and thrive. He confesses his fears, and Vic gets Belch and the three of them drive to the closest department store, picking out baby shit.

Has no idea how bottles work. Gets the cheapest kind possible, and is so upset when the baby wont drink from them (texture might be off, his dumb ass didnt warm the milk, his dumb ass gave the baby COWS MILK, the list goes on) and screeches in frustration when they leak because, yet again, he got the cheapest fuckers possible

He’d be out of his dads house by this time, probably college age (about 20-25) but he has made a point to not let his dad know of his child’s existence, because lets face it, Butch would wanna see his grandkid (especially if its a boy). So, Henry keeps the information that he’s a new dad on lock down

Calls Mama Huggins weekly for advice, and actively looks at parenting hacks online. He’s trying his best to be a good dad, and would take extra shifts for work to make ends meet. His kid would probably go into daycare sometimes, but he doesnt like leaving them with strangers and just tries to get one of the guys (or Mama Huggins) to take them for a few hours.

Uses his kid as a chick magnet. Goes to parks and hits on the single moms while he helps his toddler roam around. Gets a lot of ass because of this, since he comes off as a very caring dad (he is, surprisingly).

Dresses his baby girl up like bad asses. His daughter wears his old bandanna with her princess outfit (claiming she is a cowgirl princess, because of course she is) or gets a jean vest with decently kid friendly patches on it, and parades her around when he gets the chance. Insanely protective of her, and follows her when she plays at the park and later as she gets older, he makes her text him where she is at all times. Low key helicopter dad. The type of dad to clean a gun in front of her new boyfriend, 11/10.

 His son’s hair gets styled into a fohawk daily and he’s encouraged to wear cool printed shirts his uncles (the rest of the gang) get him that have various metal bands on them and stuff. Teaches him sports, and drags him along to baseball games when he can. Was a bit torn when he heard his son was causing trouble in school, but decides that he cant have his kid doing the same shit he did and nips the bullying in the bud. His son got his temper, and it upsets Henry sometimes how easy it is for them to snap at each other once he gets older.

Takes his kid fishing, hiking, rides on motorcycles, ect. Lots of out door activities. His favorite is to take his kid out fishing, because they’re TRAPPED with him and he gets to spend the day with his mini-me, making crappy jokes and teaching them how to do proper techniques, like he always wished his dad would have done with him.

Gets really stern with his kid though. Takes no fucking bullshit from them, and lives the line “because I said so”, expecting his kid to listen. He loves them, he would NEVER raise a hand to them, but he’s not above a sit down and heavy glare if they mouth off to him or act up in public.

Lives his life better to make his kid’s life better. Goes to anger management if he thinks he’s starting to emulate Butch, and he’s explained to his kid why they’re so distant from his family. Doesn’t articulate what Butch has done to him, but makes it a point to focus on the fact that they Do. Not. Talk. To. Butch.

Makes a point to take his kid to school every day. Tells his kid how much he loves them. They do not go a day without a clap on the shoulder and a small little smile that he wears just for them.

Reggie “GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH RIGHT FUCKIN’ NOW” Huggins

He was a little shocked when he ended up with a baby. Dazed, confused. He just sat there with this bundle, all soft and small, and held them close. He didn’t know what to do, but does anyone when they become a single parent without word?

If his s/o died, he would be heart broken, but pull through for the kid. If his s/o dumped the baby on him and ran, he’d be fucking furious and vow to never let them within arms reach of HIS child.

The best at easing into parenthood. He told his mama that adoption wasn’t an option, and that he was going to take care of the baby. “I can do it,” he told her, “I’m a man, and men take care of their kids.”

Mama Huggins is overjoyed to be a grandma, even if she claims shes a little young to start being called Nannie, but she spoils that baby rotten. Reggie has to fight to keep her from buying the kid so many different outfits, as she goes overboard and buys too many, and they grow out of them before they can even be tried on.

Leaves the kid with his mom to work, which is fine for Mama Huggins, but Reggie feels like he’s ghosting his kid when he does it. So he works harder and advances in his career as much as possible, wanting to get to  place where he can maybe get extra days off to be with his kid.

Wakes up early to make them breakfast. Every morning he sits down with them, from infancy till they leave his house (read as, his moms, he never moves out lets be real). He wakes them up gently, or flicks on the lights and heaves a great big “UP AND AT ‘EM, KIDDO!” But its all with love.

Doesnt seem interested in dating for the most part, but ends up meeting someone with kids at some point in time, and is happy to have his kid get a new sibling. He always wanted one himself.

Gives in too easily if his kids misbehave. If they cry, it HURTS him, and he just lets them do as they please. Had to nip this in the bud before they got into school though, because he wasn’t going to deal with a spoiled brat for 12+ years.

Straps his kid into the backseat of the Trans-Am, and has a Dad Bag under the seats for bottles, toys, and general baby shit. Patrick likes playing peek a boo with his kid, and Vic only complains a little bit of he has  to feed the baby.

Stops going out with the guys, and is worried that it will dampen his relationship with them It doesnt, they just start  coming over to his house and hanging out. Henry was scared to hold the baby at first, but Reggie eased him into it, and now Henry’s the first one to grab the nugget and bounce them on his knee to calm them down.

If he had a daughter, jesus christ. Jesus H Christ. His most precious gem, his princess, the light of his life. He spends free time doing tea parties, letting her “help” him with fixing Amy, and lets her run wild in the neighborhood. She is fierce, she is the wilderness- NO, HONEY, DONT PICK THAT SNAKE UP PLEASE- DROP IT. DROP IT. NO, DONT ARGUE WITH DADDY. DROP IT!

His son would have a very healthy and loving relationship with him. Everything is open for discussion, and he tries to lead his son into a better light than bullying or the like. Lots of sundays are spent in the front yard, tossing around a football while his son asks the craziest, but most wonderful shit he has ever heard. “Dad, whys girls gotta be so.. weird?” “Dad, do you think Luke Skywalker would have been cooler if he was a sith?” “Dad, if we die, do we meet god, or do we gotta wait in line with our guardian angel?” Loves his boy, cherishes him. He can do no wrong.

Goes to every single parent/teacher conference, and puffs up in pride when they praise his kid. Because, of course they’re praising them! He raised them right!

Victor “Pinterest saved my life” Criss

Legit hid the baby from his parents/bros for a good week before he ran out of excuses as to why they hadn’t seen him for days. He’s at a loss of what to do, and considers adoption. He isnt a paternal guy. he thinks, this wont work out.

Already moved out, like, come on. He’s a rich boy, his parents set him up in a nice apartment/condo in Bangor for school.

If his s/o was still alive, he’d have given the baby back to them. This only works if they ghosted town, or are dead. Otherwise, he’d have been like “fuck no”

Finally figures he’ll give fatherhood a shot, and quickly realizes how much he did NOT bargain for.

Reggie turned up to help one day with Vic holding his baby and sobbing back at the baby while it shrieked and squirmed, the poor guy having no idea what to do. Vic was escorted to the bedroom, and given a nap whole Belch attempted to get the baby to sleep.

Buys all the nicest shit the baby could ever need or want. Lots of sleepless nights are spent with him rocking his baby and scanning amazon, thinking that yet another Sophie the Giraffe is exactly what his demon spawn needs to keep from sobbing through the night

Turns to online archives and pinterest for advice, and slowly becomes a better dad. Lots of trial and error, trips to the emergency room from Patrick convincing a half-dead Vic that his baby’s cough is from the baby black plague, and some angry sobbing of his own leads to a decent routine that makes him and his kiddo happy.

Instagrams his kid, because to be fair, he made a gorgeous baby. Sends lots of photos of the kid to the guys, and Patrick uses some of the most unflattering ones as reaction memes, because he is a dick. Vic has laughed at them, despite being furious Patrick would dare to make his baby a meme.

Literally cried when his kid called him “Dada” for the first time. On the floor. Sobbing. He called Reggie and made him come over. Henry and Patrick came around and tried to get the bay to say swears. They got them to say “sheet” which is pretty close to “shit” so they called it a win.

Throws the biggest birthday parties for his kid. Confetti? Everywhere. Cake? Three layers and professionally made. Presents? Out of this world.

Most stylish child of the group’s kids. Sunglasses, designer clothes. That kid dresses better than you do by the time they’re five. They own it too, and flaunt it for the camera, because Vic takes 89,005,467 photos of his child on the daily.

Taught his kid Beastie Boys songs, and there are videos of his kid rapping along to “Intergalactic”. Vic is so proud of his kid.

Friend dad. Has a hard time punishing his kid if they do something wrong, and sometimes makes up for his own mistakes (raising his voice, getting to upset) by giving them gifts. Its not an amazing system, but his kid is humble…ish.

Having a daughter, that boy is her best friend. She can tell him anything, it wont phase him. Willingly talks about boys, clothes, music. Loves to take her to the park and watch her knock the boys down a peg or two. she inherits his sharp tongue, and its scary how fast she goes from 1 to 101. Blunt child, that one.

A boy? Vic’s son is given the coolest shit, there is no need for want with this boy. Probably some awful mix of fuck boy and wanna be rapper, but Vic loves him anyhow. Shows him off to the gang CONSTANTLY, and shows up in almost matching outfits without realizing it. Its cringey, but it could be worse. Teaches him how to throw a punch and encourages him to kick ass if people step up against him.

Puts his kid in after school tutoring, and thinks bonding time is shopping or watching TV together. Fills their schedules with sports, dance, and music. Expects a lot out of them, academically.

Loves his kid, even if they’re being an asshole, not matter what.

Patrick “You’re Demon Spawn and I adore that” Hockstetter

Was not here for this dad shit. Considered chucking the baby into the system, and would have done it too, if his mother had’t made him face the music.

Total “This is what you get for having unprotected sex, Patrick” rant from her. It ended with him being forced with a baby and his mother’s watchful eye on him. Shes not going to have another Avery on her hands.

Hates the baby the first few MONTHS. No love. Nothing there. Lets it cry itself hoarse, barely remembers to feed it, the type to forget an infant in a shopping market. Considers the possibility of it being real, since it came from him in one way or another, and feels a little threatened.

Drops the baby off with his parents 99% of the time. the 1% is when his parents force the baby back with him.

The first time he feels a little something for the kid is after getting them back from his parents and sitting in his apartment, with him screaming at the kid to shut the fuck up, (the baby is sobbing, lets be real) and they just stop. Right then and there, silence. 

They lock eyes, and Patrick swears he sees a flash of something behind their little baby eyes, almost as if they are betrayed he’d treat them that way, before they quietly sniffle. And then Patrick Hockstetter, the man, the myth, the self proclaimed Literal Satan, feels guilt for the first time.

He picks them up and calms himself down, bouncing them on his hip and softly talks to them. No hate, no love really, just apathetic words that a baby couldnt understand. He does that for hours, until the baby is sleeping, and even then he keeps going. Pours out every thought he’s ever had to this little version of him, and the next time he puts them in their crib, he does so gently. 

Lowering them down and tucking a blanket in around them. He decides they’re worth something to him that day, and everyone in his life see a drastic turn in his reactions towards his child.

Kind of a distant dad, but his kid knows that Patrick is their father and that he, yes, loves them. He’ll still drop his kid off with his parents sometimes on weekends, but as the kid grows up and he starts seeing more and more of himself in them, he’d be more attentive.

Goes on philosophical rants with his kid, and expects them to keep up. Raises his kid to question everything, and they grow up almost just as creepy and weird as him. He’s proud that they’re a little freaky, otherwise he’d be worried they weren’t his.

Patrick wouldn’t do too well with a daughter. He’d make it work, but there would be some issues. He has no idea what common ground to go off from, and would force his daughter to be more tom boyish and enjoy the same shit he does. Wouldn’t care if she was a bully in school, actually encourages it. Hands her cash, shares his weed stash with her once she’s older, and bids her good day. Doesnt see reason to punish her for misbehaving hopes she doesn’t end up dead in a ditch somewhere from her smart mouth. Grades are the least of his concerns. Will kill anyone who hurts his daughter though, and makes good on his threats too.

Patrick thrives with a son. A mini-me, that is almost indistinguishable from himself. Same creepy little smile, same predatory tilt of the shoulders and with eyes that pierce your damn soul. Praises his son to the high heavens, calls the boy a genius, and 100% thinks of him to be the Jesus to his God, if you feel me. The promised one, type of shit. Think of a young Trick from Black Mirror, and thats the kind of son Patrick hopes to have, if not MORE edgy.

Halloween is his favorite holiday as a dad, because he takes his kid out and scares the shit out of other children and teaches them to steal the candy.

The family photo of him and his kid is them out with the gang, with his kid (about 7) wearing his jacket by a bonfire and flipping the camera off, him squatting beside them and doing the same damn thing with the biggest shit eating grin. Ah. Parenting. Patrick’s a natural.

[maxiespads]

August 15th, 1975

Miami, Florida

6:30PM at “El Perro Desgraciado” Bar

Currently positioned at “El Perro Desgraciado'' Bar in Little Havana. The air smells putrid, emanating from the pits of plump fat greasy men drinking cheap liquor in their sweat-drenched undershirts. They are committed to this hobby and only this hobby as on further inspection I can see clearly the crystalized salt on their temples and backs; a byproduct of only caring for another round of acidic liquor with the faintest smell of urine and sweeteners like “El Cuerno.” I on the other hand I am the epitome of elegance, dressed in a gorgeous blue Acapulco shirt drinking “Chivas Regal 18”, both courtesies of my good friend Doctor Hunter S. Thompson recommended “El Perro Desgraciado” Bar, for its seclusion and character. He’d recommended this bar after finding out I’d be in Miami for what I told him was a “vacation”. “It’s a dilapidated run-down jalopy of a hut run by Cuban mongrels,” he said, “serving rabid and soul-crushed dogs from all walks of life alike. What it lacks in modesty it makes it up by giving its drunkards primal liberty within its premises! A liberty now long-extinct, my friend. Only experienced in the time before civilization as well as in only the best Latin-American brothels!” he said through the phone. In hindsight, I would have chosen a much better bar than this rotting carcass but I will admit, it is secluded. But I digress, this environment lacks eye candy, the men are far too ugly and there are little to no women in sight! And those who are in sight, demand exponentially high prices for their “assistance”, prices only a drunkard would fall for! To which I respect, these women are calculated! Clearly knowing beforehand who will land flat on their belly for them, squabbling for just a taste of both of their “lips”. 

Still, here I am, drinking slowly, drinking lonely, wanting to taste and hold another’s flesh and soul… to be intertwined by tongue and bound by primal intentions… to sweat, smile and soothe… to loosen and eventually tighten… to send ripples through the body and eventually calm the waters after… to ravage the vessel, holding nothing back and taking everything in… oh what a dream! A rather… fiery dream but a dream that all who breathe have shared at least once. Mmmmm, I quake in excitement for that proposition to once again show itself or better yet lay itself in front of me once mor-

RRRRRING, RRRRRING, RRRRING, RRRING, RRRRRING

      ~

From a top-down point of view, with a single bulb illuminating him, we can see The Man in The Blue Alcapulco Shirt and the brown wooden round table that he has stationed himself in. To the right of him, on the table, there is the auburn colored Chivas Regal Whisky glass bottle: mighty, tall, and aged for eighteen-years. A stuffed ashtray with bent and crooked cigarette buds sticking out rests unbothered in the middle of the table and to the left of him, there is a glossy red GPO 746 Rotary Phone which he requested to be immediately placed on his table moments after seating himself because he was expecting a call. The phone now trembles violently as if it’s afraid of what it holds for the man, sendings its fear-ridden vibrations down the table, up the man’s legs, and directly into his heart. Within a moment, The Man in The Blue Alacapulco Shirt looks at the phone, anchors his face away from fear and into a solid grimace, picks up the phone, and answers with silence. 

“Heard your back in town! We can wait to see you! I hope you brought all the party favors I recommended…

The man looks below the table, towards his feet and confirms to himself that he has the light golden-brown duffle bag placed from him in the alley behind “El Perro Desgraciado” Bar as he requested before arriving in Miami.

“I promise you, once you bring it to them it's gunna knock em’ dead! The address is [REDACTED] and you should come exactly at midnight! We’ll be waiting.” [CALL ENDS]

The Man in The Blue Acapulco Shirt places the phone back into its base and contemplates. Moments ago he was eager, speaking within himself but now he reserves himself, relying on the strength of his nerves to keep him calm for the up-coming assignment. He puts away the bottle and begins to get up to leave but suddenly a figure appears next to him. He panics slightly as he cannot see the blurry figure clearly from his peripheral vision and jerks his head quickly in the direction of the figure. He faces the figure with the same reserved grimace he had on the phone but it quickly melts away as the now visible figure speaks. 

“I’m sorry…did I startle you?”

~

She speaks so lightly... a feature that is deeply contracted against her powerful cheekbones, smooth glowing caramel skin with her cat-like eyes. Just by glancing at her, she commands the entirety of my attention...she's gorgeously equipped with a shaven head, tiny flower-shaped diamond earrings, purple lipstick, deep dark eye-shadow, and sharp black acrylic nails… she bares on her back, what seems to be, a custom made loose summer dress with an intricate purple and black flower design and on her feet, she bares combat boots… OH MY GOODNESS SHE'S GORGEOUS! This has to be that “divine timing” mumbo-jumbo my sister was telling me about- I mean what else could it be?! Right as I finished this dreaded call and readied myself to take my leave she came right in with those piercing eyes...those gorgeous brown mesmerizing eyes…

~

“Helllooooooooooo? Anybody there?” she lets out with a light laugh as the man is dreadfully captivated by her appearance. 

Suddenly his steel-mysterious-persona shatters like glass as he embarrassedly fumbles to articulate himself. 

“I'M SO SORRY! Uuuuhhhhh...by all means, take a seat!” he says as he cleans up his table in a disorganized rush “IF YOU WANT TO, OF COURSE, I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND SO-”

“It’s okay,” she interrupts calmly with a smile, “there's no reason to trip over yourself.” to which he responds in silence, looking down, hiding his tomato-face. 

“And yes, I think I will take a seat. Thank you” she says smiling and humored at the man. She grabs a nearby wooden chair and places it gently across from The Man in The Blue Alcapulco Shirt who sits silently and gawking.

“Forgive me for being so...shy… you caught me with my guard down,” says the man in an awkward smile and laugh.

“I didn’t mean to, I just noticed you here. You stand out when compared to the ogreish looking men around here...unless you are also a drunken ogre,” she says charismatically with a certain spunk and sass in her voice.

“Oh no! I just came here cause it’s a rather secluded place and so far, as you can see, that seems to be its only redeeming factor…” he says disapprovingly, “up until now of course.” ending his statement charismatically with hints of flirtation.

“Of course, you say. How come?” she says as if she has no clue of what he’s on about but she eagerly awaits his answer. The signals are obvious but not obvious enough so the man proceeds with confidence but also with caution.

“Because we’re making conversation. I...I have been longing for a conversation for some time now. My line of work doesn’t really give me any breathing room...well it would if I didn’t want to be able to make ends meet but then I’d be penniless...plus I wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t have at least some capital.” he says, smiling into her eyes

“What is so special about now then? What makes you so glad about being right here, right now?” she asks powerfully, sending increasingly flame-filled vibrations,  making the man’s heart race as well as making him think on his feet.

~

Good god, she’s really giving me a run for my money here… I f*#king love it… 

~

The man looks to the back of his head for a moment. He understands that his next choice of words will lead him towards heat or an ice-cold bed. After some moments of silence, he answers.

“I’ll be honest. I don't know what makes this moment ‘special’ or if it’s even special at all but I’m intrigued and that doesn't happen often… there’s something about you that has caught my eye and mind with, of course, my heart being reserved. You cannot be too careful in deciding who plays with the heart, especially now… well of me at least.” he pauses, looking at her.

She rests her face upon her fist, fully interested, and awaiting the statement’s conclusion. 

“Well??? Don't let me stop you. ‘By all means’ continue.” she says smiling devilishly and hungry.

~

F*#k it, it’s now or never. Either I jump in deep or I dont go swimming at all!

~

“I want to know you a lot more” he states, locking eyes with her, both fully giving in to the energies now fully developed, “I want to know you in both senses of that word. I’d elaborate much more, believe me, but this place is rather public even with its seclusion and mindless drunkards wondering about. Plus, what good would it do when I could just show you...if you want to of course.”

Silence engulfs the atmosphere and as the moment stretches The Man in The Blue Acalupco Shirt begins to worry but maintains a poker face. Finally, the woman breaks the silence with the screeching sound of the wooden chair against the wooden floorboards of the Bar as she stands up and walks away. The man watches her leave like a sad puppy, tucks his arms in, and looks down towards the scratches on the table. He lets out a deep sigh.

~

Well...at least I tried...even if I did fai-

~

His thoughts are interrupted when he sees the woman come to a halt. Standing strong with her long mighty legs, the neon-lights outside shine through the door of the Bar, drenching her in blue, pink, and white. She turns her head towards the right, showing off her razor-sharp jaw, and says: “Well? Aren’t you coming? We have a lot to talk about” she says eagerly and temping. 

The man looks up in amazement and surprise. Her statement has made him more than happy, much more than happy. “You don't have to ask me twice!” the man says as he jumps up, picks up his bag, and walks with the woman.

They walk out to the sidewalk to be greeted by her White 1971 Chevrolet Impala.

“You can put your bag in the back,” the woman tells the man as they near the vehicle

“It’s best if I keep it close but thank you nonetheless” responds the man, showing great reserve about the contents and importance of the bag. The woman thinks this to be strange but says nothing. 

They drive off down the strip, conversating fluently and deeply interested in each other. The white car slowly becomes smaller and smaller, swallowed by the lights, night-life, infrastructure, tropical trees, and never-ending star-riddled sky of Miami, Florida.

The time is 8:30 at night, three and a half hours before midnight.

Thank you very much for reading.

With love,

Maximiliano L. Rojas

[cafephan]

the danny situation/explaining my hatred of april 1st

okay here’s a post i never thought i’d be typing up. i can count on one hand with fingers to spare, how many people know this story, and none of them are family members or anyone i have any form of contact with anymore. yet here i am sharing it with the internet, but i feel like i need to articulate it and note it down somewhere rather than still trying to repress it even years later when it’s clearly not working and recently it keeps coming to haunt me more than ever

just a pre-warning some of you are going to think i’m pathetic for this still affecting me and will think it’s no big deal and it’s not worth posting about but i think it’s important for myself to finally just write it all down, judge me if you want i’ve gotten enough of it before

so, i’m wildly unattractive, i don’t feel as if i have to prove that to anyone. and if highschool movies have taught us anything about the typical ugly girl, what is it? that they always end up crushing on the cute guy (obviously this is a cliche movie trope and doesn’t apply to real life except it did to me, very much so). 

i considered changing his name for the purpose of this, but no like what’s the point. his name was danny and he was in my form group for the duration of the five years of secondary school, meaning we saw each other every day. he was also in my maths group (shout out to other people in set three, forever average) and little old me just used to fawn over him and not so subtly stare at him the entire time. though, having no friends, nobody was there to call me out on it, which looking back is both a blessing and a curse. 

like i said, i’m wildly unattractive now, so take a moment to imagine me in 2008. puppy fat aplenty, the chubbiest cheeks you ever did see and resting bitch face (which still hasn’t left me). i was a mess. but i saw danny as some kind of god - which he definitely wasn’t, i hate myself for ever thinking that lmao - and though i was always terrified to try and strike up conversation, it never stopped me smiling whenever he looked my way (we were only one person apart in the register too which helped in assemblies) and the odd times he did the polite thing and smiled back i would practically melt on the spot. 

the not so subtle crushing continued for four years, which takes us to our second-to-last year of secondary school. for some reason i had been forced to do a resistant materials gcse because i was apparently in ‘the cream of the crop’ in my year group throughout the past years’ DT (design and technology) classes, and still to this day i have no fucking idea why they put me in there because all i did was use the sanding machine. but anyway, DT god danny was also on the course, and he noticed me struggling with literally every part of it that wasn’t done on computers and took to helping me with little tasks alongside his own projects and unsurprisingly i was internally screaming because oh my god our hands just brushed on the desk vice and other cringeworthy shit like that which i’ve probably used in an early fic or two. there’s nothing more really to note on that year just remember that he started being nice then. another thing worth saying is that this is the year i started to wear a bit of makeup and when i came to maths class one day with pale eyeshadow on, he said that he didn’t like it and so i never wore it again (you should never change yourself for anyone, if something makes you feel good then you keep doing it okay, you dont need anyone else’s validation, i just wish younger kirsten knew and believed that)

the year after is where things happen so it’s late february 2013, and i came home from my grandparents’ house to find a new message in my facebook inbox. without being dramatic because this literally happened, i swear my breath caught in my throat because danny had just messaged me saying ‘hey babe’ i remember it distinctly, and i squealed into a pillow. i replied immediately, then flopped back on my bed wondering why this had happened, there’s never been anything appealing about me either in appearance or personality, so the reason why was a mystery, but i was so wrapped up in being completely head over heels heart eyes i didn’t really give it a second thought, because he replied a second or two later with another pet name.

these casual messages with petnames continued all through march and stupidly i started saying petnames back (which in itself is a reason to repress this whole thing), and on march 31st we were chatting and suddenly he says ‘can we skype tomorrow?’ and i literally cried, i was so happy. i’d heard girls in school talking about skyping with boys and a small very petty part of me wanted to be one of them and i felt as if i just might have the chance. obviously i said yes and we both logged off.

aaaaaaaand around rolls april 1st. the lovely lovely holiday of april fools day. what a fucking delight. 

i’m sure you can see where this is going, right?

so i dressed up nice and waited for the skype call to come through, and when it does i desperately try to calm myself down, and look to the ground and take deep breaths. my blood ran cold when i heard multiple boys’ laughter coming from the other end of the call. there were six of them, including danny.

without even addressing i was there (obviously they knew i was there) they started reading out the messages that it turns out they had been taking turns to send to me from his account, and put on a really high pitched voice reading my responses. 

(sidenote: i’m genuinely crying right now as i write this i’m sorry if there’s any typos from now on my vision’s gone blurry)

when they finally finished - i don’t know why i didn’t end the fucking call myself, i was just frozen out of fear and embarrassment and mortification i guess - they all burst into laughter, danny laughing probably the loudest. i was crying, and i opened my mouth to say something, but i was crying too heavily. this caused them to laugh louder, and one of them said “and even now she can’t fucking say anything, freak.” they laugh again and one of danny’s friends leaned in close to the webcam. “did you honestly think he liked you?” he asked, and i stupidly nodded, because at some point i’d let myself believe it, again because i had no friends to tell me how stupid and dodgy the whole thing was. 

then his friend went back and danny himself leaned in close. “april fools” he said with a horrible grin and blew a kiss to the webcam before the call ended, and i. fucking. lost. it. 

still to this day, i don’t think i ever cried that much. i had panic attack after panic attack, i didn’t get any sleep, and nothing could calm me down. it still holds the top spot of worst night of my life, and trust me it’s had many many challengers for that title since.

the next day, because i shut myself off from the internet that night, i woke up to three new facebook messages. from three of his friends who were on the call with him. ‘happy april fools, sweetheart’ one of them said, ‘i can’t believe you thought you had any chance with him lol nice try darling’ said another, and the final read ‘just kill yourself already. babe’. all petnames ‘danny’ used at one point.

so that is the reason i beg you all to not send any form of prank on april fools day to me. because it brings back the memory of that. every april 1st i cry myself to sleep, and though i know you all mean well, any involvement with that holiday, no matter how small, sets me off. 

this incident is the reason i couldn’t accept compliments in the early days, long time followers will remember, i’m sure. this incident is the reason i’ve not been able to have crushes on anyone. i’ve never let myself because in the back of my mind i’m always worrying things will turn out the same way. if i start to feel anything for anyone i back away and leave them alone completely. this incident is the reason i struggle to form friendships. tied in with the bullying and the fact i had no friends to teach me what friendship was, naturally.

in case you were wondering, danny’s engaged now, he’s happy. i think i saw on facebook they’re trying for a baby. which is good for them, but i can’t help but feel like it’s not fair. he’s off playing happy families and living life whilst i’m still here suffering from a stupid fucking prank when he knew full well i was crushing on him.

it was only three years ago, so i suppose it’s understandable, and i’m in a much better place with myself now than i was which helps, but it’s something that’s really etched itself into my brain and is still affecting me to a certain degree. i feel like now i’ve typed it all up, i might be able to sleep easy, it does feel as if a huge weight has been lifted. plus, i think i’ve made allusions to this story before various times but none of you pried about it which i really appreciate, you’re all so incredibly lovely and i can’t thank you enough.

so there’s the danny story and the reason i hate april fools’ day.

if you read this far, then thank you, and if you think i’m overreacting still, you’re more than entitled to your opinion, i’ve been judged on many things before and what’s one more to add to the list by this point. 

i love you all very much and hope you have a great rest of your day and i’m sorry if this dampened anyone’s mood in any way. i hope this has given you a little more insight to me, i don’t know why it would’ve but who knows. sorry.

xx

[beccawastaken]

My life summarized Pt. 1...

I started this blog cause there is always so much in my head, it moves at the speed of light, some of it makes complete and utter sense, some of it sounds great til the very second it rolls off my tongue and then sounds nothing like it did in my head, some of it is just random nonsensical stuff that seems to have fallen off a stand up comedians cue cards and straight into the part of my psyche that prefers her own lyrics. It makes it very hard to focus on one task to completion, I even tend to put down my guitar and journal for months on end...so sad!

I must admit that I have worked my ass off to try to make some kind of sense of it all and now when I am unable to rather than let frustration take over I tend to find my random head ramblings amusing. I mean it is often a frustrated, shaking my head at myself kind of amusing but still...baby steps right? 

Sometimes the thoughts can be so intense and so rapid that its overwhelming and it takes every ounce of my strength not to scream til it stops. At its worst its almost like there are so many thoughts moving so quickly that it can sound like a constant high pitch buzz in my head. Super exhausting, and difficult to explain to those around you. People tell me to just go to sleep...ever tried sleeping with a shop vac on or inside a construction site? That would be comparable to this, plus, sleeping also isn't my forte so I’m double fucked so to speak.

The human mind and psyche intrigues me to no end. The way it works, and how the basic brain functions are the same across society yet our perception and the cogs and wheels inside each skull are as unique as our deoxyribonucleic acid. For each and every one of us, the way we tick can be vastly different from one another, from the person beside you on the bus, to that guy you’ve worked with for years to a lover or spouse and often really have no way of knowing. I mean how often do we turn to each other and say “can we talk about how your brain works?” We just take for granted that it does and don’t give it a second thought.(haha you will come to notice my love for puns)

Its the intricate differences between us that keep me interested in this self sabotaging species, I mean really, Earth doesn’t need humans to survive, in fact it may be better off without us! Who knows, what I do know is that while im here on this seemingly massive planet im going to make the most of it. 

I have a wicked sense of humour (ask anyone haha) and I enjoy messing with people (in a jovial way of course). Im talking like practical joke type of messing with people, light, innocent funny shit. I have been referred to as a brain ninja...I took it as a compliment, however, when you are on the receiving end its possible that it isnt nearly as enjoyable. I do my best not to be mean (I said I do my best, I am not perfect) cause you know, I’m no psycho, although some will attest to that statement not being true, I have honed my inner psycho and now only use her when absolutely necessary. Like if some douchelord crosses one of my angels or my grandson. Then my wrath should be feared, simple enough right? (WOW that escalated quickly! O_O)

I just do not want to waste my life, I spent so much of it not knowing how to handle daily life, assuming (naturally cause why wouldn’t I as a single child raised by someone that constantly blamed others and the world for her problems) that everyone’s mind worked the same, everybody deals with the racing and loops of thoughts you cant kick, or falls asleep with a song stuck in they’re head and wakes up and it starts again as if paused. Every morning. (Don’t drop that duh duh duh....grrr) For days! I mean doesn't everybody worry about every move they make, and lay in bed with they’re eyes closed trying to sleep and checking the clock twenty minutes later only to find SURPRISE, its been three hours! Or this relentless saviour complex I have, I can solve almost anyone's problem or at least help them find a path they are more comfy with but for years when it came to mine, I just couldn’t. This is just a few of the things i deal with or have been forced to deal with this life, Im sure i will touch on more. 

I have my children to thank for helping me learn how to deal with my version of life and not giving up on me when I know it would have been easier at times. (Dont drop that duhduhduh....ugh) I want to be honest in this blog, I pride myself on my honesty yet shy away from the darker, not so beautiful sides of who I am as if they don’t exist to the outside world. The thing is, I do not look sick, in fact I look great, besides a few extra pounds. My illness is not a physical one yet it has complete control from the inside out a lot of the time. I work very hard on a daily basis so I do not look like I am falling apart.

I feel emotions at a much higher level than the majority of humanity, I know this now. I don’t feel a lil bit of anything, if im sad, im so sad that even just being in my presence can break your heart. If something good happens and I feel a twinge of joy, I literally have to physically hold myself still sometimes cause it will surge like a lightening bolt through me and often some strange squeak comes out, fingers fully extended as if the energy just exploded form my core and out my extremities. Then, just as fast as it surges it disappears and there I am a woman bordering forty with this maniacal smile on my face like the joker and hair standing up like the professor from Back to The Future. Its quite a sight I am sure, and as much as it has been really hard to work with this side of myself I would rather be inside looking out and have to fix my hair then the onlookers forced to decide between the choice to ask if I am alright or back away slowly. Same with anger, although we have a bit of a deeper connection than other emotions, yea, thats right, we tight. Let me explain...or try;

I like to think my anger trigger point was when grandpa died, but looking back that is ridiculous, I was pissed at both my parents for what they put me through during the divorce but refused to take it out on them, they were in enough pain, they couldn't see it but i sure could.  When I am angry I scare people, I seem to fear nothing (not sure if that’s brave or not) and once I am angry there is no going back, I am completely incorrigible, illogical and refuse to listen. I have scared off men twice my size, not with violence of the physical kind, my verbal violence can be so articulated that I honestly think some people are scared to the core. I have shocked myself at times and thats not easy. Once I realized that I was growing into my version of the hulk I had to do something, I was starting to hate everyone and everything. 

I started replacing the empty yet extremely fucked up (for lack of a better word) threats with just simply making light of what it was that triggered me, albeit in an aggressive manner however it has proven effective in attempting to analyze what set me off and try to stop the rage fuelled rant.

I really wanted to give you an example but as I was trying to find one it proved difficult so im gonna call that progress. Anyway this venting became humorous to those around me, they all knew me so well that they would turn they’re heads and try not to laugh (ever been laughed at when your livid? its not cool, same as if are upset and someone says ‘calm down’ calm down, CALM DOWN?! like fuck off n all if you honestly believe im not trying, you think i wanna feel this way? like this is some kind of sick joke for me? pfft people!) in an attempt to not be caught in the crossfire of my verbal war. 

At first this angered me too (go figure, Hulkbitch) then one day, someone laughed and I took a step back and thought about what I had said and started laughing. Clearly my loved ones weren't laughing at my agony, but the words and descriptions i used to figure it out did tend to be funny. It takes a lot for me to get angry like that now, if I do tho, I still vent with sarcastic wit and make myself laugh to bring myself out of it. 

I think I have myself in line pretty well now, I guess I should give some history here, I was a very happy child on the outside but a ball of nerves within, my mother was extremely mentally ill (which i did not know til after her passing) and my father was a violent alcoholic. Luckily I was sheltered from the worst of what they put each other through as they separated when I was 2, but fought and fought and fought over me for nine years. My mum would insist dad never wanted me he just didn't want her to have me, said that I was never good enough in his eyes cause he wanted a boy. Dad, would point out the homeless lady pushing all her belongings in a shopping cart and say “hey kid, thats where your mum is headed, just you watch”. I know now they were just dealing in their own ways with what was happening between them but it really messed with me. 

My father, my daddy, quit drinking not long after the separation, i to this day believe that he did this not only for himself but for me, to show me that no matter what you can make changes, just gotta face the problem head on and deal with it so you can move past it. He was always a tough, vulgar, strong, stubborn, hilarious and short lil french man with an ego the size of Goliath. He taught me not to take shit from anyone if I believed in the topic at hand and to learn to turn a cold shoulder when needed. Emotions were not discussed, Im not even sure to this day if I can remember him ever saying I love you, but he didn’t have to, I know he did. 

Mum had her own ways of dealing over the years, she was all emotion, raw and uncut. She would always react first, think later, which meant she felt the need to apologize a lot.  For her mistake, for not being good enough, for not doing well enough this was so hard to watch. She would repeat the same self defeating patterns she had been doing her whole life and expecting things to change. Definition if insanity much? shitty part is back then they had no fucking idea what insanity was, nor did they care to look. Had someone just took her side and spoke for her she would still be here, if only she was honest with me about how sick she was, I may never have gotten as sick as I did. She thought she was protecting me...

This woman was the sun to my moon and I loved her more than words can ever express. She never believed me when I said it, she always said right up til the end that nobody ever loved her. I know this was not true cause I figured my dad wouldn't get so mad about stuff if he didn't care, the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. Mum was always in and out of the hospital and it was super hush hush, I assumed she had cancer. I was petrified to lose her, so I didn’t ask questions, just waited.

The custody battle went on and on, I remember my dad pushing our 1970somthing car up the street for some reason, didn't phase me much. I just said “oh look theres my daddy, he looks mad!”. We went to Expo ‘86 in British Columbia and mum was subpoena’d to come back to the prairies for court immediately, so she had to leave her vacation just to go back and find out it was remanded.  They were both so angry all the time, I thought it was my fault...had I not been there there would be nothing left to fight about right?

Okay so divorce was finalized when I was 11...Grandma and grandpa (mums side) loved the shit out of me too, ive seen pics of gramma in the military which made sense as I grew up as to why she was so tough but she must have been retired by time I was born. They bought an old ‘70s van and converted it into beds in the back, a table and even a port a potty! They lovingly got personalized plates with my name and the number “2″ after it. They took really good care of me, always loved me and wanted what was best.

I remember around 10yrs old I realized my initials were B.S. and I was not impressed at all as not one word that came out my mouth (at that age) was BS. I was insulted and wanted it changed, plus I knew it would make mum happy if I changed my name to hers. The divorce was finalized my initials were changed to B.J....JUST in time for puberty, (woooooooo) yeah, didn't live that one down for a very long time.

My reason for bringing up my grandparents is so that you all know that aside from this somewhat bleak story thus far, I had many people that loved me, including mum and dad, they just preferred to fight about it. 

Shit, fuck, damn, I just had a memory, not a good one but I spoz thats why our brains block things out eh? I do not know how this came about, my mother was very abused growing up and it took a toll on her.  I remember mum and the  grandparents fighting, i remember gramma telling mum to get her head out of her ass and i remember trying to picture that...I was not going to be seeing them for a while til things cooled down.

Mum was sure that my grandpa had molested me, I am not going to say it didn’t happen but as far as I can recall my grandpa was the sweetest most loving man ever. anyway, mum was questioning me, yelling, badgering me and generally acting crazy i spoz, this was before I know what that looked like.  She kept asking inches from my face if he had done anything to me and i maintained that he hadn’t. Finally hours later I was tired and hungry and she was clearly still psychotic she yelled at me are you sure (for the millionth time) I finally yelled out “fine, he did it!” I had no idea what he had done, or when, cause i wasn't there i just wanted her to stop. She was making herself crazy and it broke my heart. I didn't see my grandparents again for three years. Grandpa had gone senile and was not himself, didnt remember close family members etc. When I got there, I ran in the house and we met at the doorway, me at the bottom of the entrance stairs and him at the top. I smiled, and he looked at me puzzled, then started crying, then laughing then crying. I was so glad he got to remember me. I missed him so much.

This was all before I was even a teenager. Grandpa died not long after he was put in a care home cause gramma wasn't able to care for him. His death was my first experience with such a thing, I had no way of knowing how to deal with a loss like this...so I guess I just didn’t.

[crepuxulum]

it’s still the 28th somewhere, which means it’s still timely of me to post the Pale Proposal thread (also located here as a google doc!!) from two whole years ago on this day

[11:06] -- chironsToxophilite [CT] began pestering acidulousConviction [AC] at 23:06 -- [11:06] CT: D »--> May I ask [11:06] CT: D »--> How has your gift been managing so far [11:07] AC: :OO!!!!! [11:07] AC: :33 < amazingly!!! [11:07] AC: :OO < i k33p her hidden tho so no one else touches her! [11:08] CT: D »--> E%cellent [11:08] CT: D »--> Though I should ask the same of you [11:10] AC: :33 < you could!! [11:10] AC: :33 < but it will take me a minute to get ofur the amazing shock im feline rn [11:11] CT: D »--> Why is that [11:11] AC: :OO < beclaws!! [11:11] AC: :OO < you talked to me furst!! [11:11] AC: XOO < i think i might just faint of shock

[11:12] CT: D »--> I am [11:13] CT: D »--> Not in the habit of being social, it is true [11:14] AC: :OO < but you attempted! [11:14] AC: :OO < fur me!! [11:14] CT: D »--> So I did [11:14] AC: XOO < omg i f33l a swoon coming on [11:16] AC: :OO < so much swooning its like a swoonami [11:16] CT: D »--> You are absurdly cheeky [11:17] AC: :33 < you love it tho [11:18] CT: D »--> I am aghast [11:18] CT: D »--> Such accusations [11:19] AC: :33 < terrible i know [11:19] AC: :33 < but i have [11:19] AC: >:33 < evidence!!!!!!! [11:20] CT: D »--> Do you now [11:20] AC: :33 < yes!!! [11:21] AC: :33 < inti will totally help with my purresentation [11:22] AC: :33 < shes really good with evidence [11:22] CT: D »--> Is that what your notes were for [11:22] AC: :33 < that too [11:29] CT: D »--> Who is this Inti [11:29] AC: :33 < the furriend you gave me pawve course! [11:29] AC: :33 < you said i could name her so i did! [11:32] CT: D »--> That I did [11:32] CT: D »--> Is she simply good with evidence or is she the evidence [11:33] AC: :33 < both!!!! [11:36] CT: D »--> Of course [11:37] AC: :33 < as you can s33 she is the picture purrfect evidence/evidence handler [11:38] CT: D »--> I cannot argue against such solid facts [11:40] AC: :33 < i will send you pictures since you cant actually s33 the evidence [11:40] AC: :33 < so here!!!! [11:40] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  sent 3 files! -- [11:44] CT: D »--> I see you've been enjoying yourselves [11:46] AC: :33 < pawlways! [11:46] AC: :33 < supurr ship selfies has legit b33n a thing since she came hive with me [11:48] AC: :33 < which you should totally be apawrt of sometime [11:50] CT: D »--> Oh [11:50] CT: D »--> Is that a formal invitation [11:50] AC: :33 < why yes [11:50] AC: :33 < yes it is [11:52] AC: :33 < unfurtunately when you DO come ofur its gonna have to be on my mini cruiser and not the big battleships im employ33d on [11:52] AC: :33 < claws i dont want the gross peopurrle on either ship to s33 you [11:53] AC: :33 < pawlso i dont have purrmission fur that on one of those so [11:53] AC: :33 < yeah [11:53] CT: D »--> I understand [11:54] CT: D »--> I am flattered to be invited at all [11:54] AC: :33 < well why wouldnt i invite you???? [11:54] AC: :33 < youre amazing and my fafurite company! [11:54] AC: |33 < pawlso one of my best furriends so duh im gonna invite you [11:59] CT: D »--> You are e%ceptionally sweet [11:59] CT: D »--> I would be happy to visit your cruiser [12:00] CT: D »--> I would prefer to speak with you beforehand, if you are so inclined [12:00] AC: :33 < pawve course!! [12:00] AC: :33 < im cool basically whenefur [12:06] CT: D »--> Whenever you are ready then, I will e%pect you [12:06] AC: :33 < if you want to now i can! [12:08] CT: D »--> That will do fine [12:10] AC: X33 < whoo! [12:10] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  pops on over in like .5 seconds in her jammies which is sweat pants and a tank because WHO CARES ABOUT CLOTHES WHEN GOING TO SEE FRIENDS -- [12:14] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  is totally not nervously fidgeting at all!! he shoots her a small, but genuine, smile and resists the urge to tuck back her hair by doing it to his own -- [12:15] CT: D »--> You look comfortable [12:16] AC: :33 < these are my jammies! [12:16] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  hops on over and finds the seat nearest him. probably some kind of table or chair arm -- [12:19] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  that makes him Old Man Chuckle TM, but an end table probably isn't the best place for an unofficial jam -- [12:19] CT: D »--> So they are [12:20] CT: D »--> Though I had thought that furniture intended for seating may prove more useful for this [12:20] AC: :OO < oh [12:20] AC: :33 < well sure [12:21] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  sits up and rolls onto her feet and plops down next to him, feet crossed at the ankles, grinning up at him. -- [12:22] AC: :33 < so whats up? [12:31] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  he gave her a not-so-serious Look at her table hopping, but schooled his expression back into neutrality when she settled in. he brushed back his hair before responding -- [12:33] CT: D »--> I am very fond of our visits [12:34] CT: D »--> Of you [12:35] CT: D »--> You have assisted me a great deal, in more ways than one [12:37] AC: :33 < haha i hope so [12:37] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  obviously he's not done but she doesn't want him to feel like its onesided. She IS listening, after all. If it were anyone else she'd probably have tuned them out. Or not have come at all. -- [12:38] AC: :33 < i like coming ofur! [12:38] AC: :33 < and pawve course i like you too~ [12:40] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  He smiles, small and maybe a touch awkward, at her response. He is SO out of practice with this stuff, but he's thankful she responded how she did -- [12:40] CT: D »--> I'm very glad [12:43] CT: D »--> But as much as I value your company, it would be fair to neither you nor myself to deny the feelings I began to harbor for you [12:47] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  her face drops slightly but not so much in a bad way. Just more of a shocked way. This isn't something she's dreading, just not something she was expecting. -- [12:47] AC: :OO < what kind of emotions?? [12:47] AC: [[pretend i wrote felines. just pretend]] [12:48] CT: ((i'll purrtend, even)) [12:48] AC: [[omg dont u start]] [12:49] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  he is resisting every urge to reach out to her right now, he desperately hopes she'll reciprocate his feelings but he won't do anything to push her either way -- [12:53] CT: D »--> I realized that I am pale for you [12:53] CT: D »--> Quite smitten, in fact [12:59] AC: :OO < oh [12:59] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  It's gradual but during her slow silence a light lime tinge appears on her face, an embarrassed grin spreading across her face as she rubbed the back of her head. -- [01:00] AC: X33 < heh i thought it was just me [01:00] AC: :33 < im glad its not though [01:05] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  he does need to dab at his temples in her silence, but he tries a tentative smile when she responds. he is already terribly fond of her blush and vows to see more of it, if he can -- [01:05] CT: D »--> As am I [01:09] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  she tries really hard not to snort at his tenseness and at least manages to redirect her amusement into a grin. -- [01:09] AC: :33 < so i guess that makes us a thing now huh? [01:09] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  by which she means HELL YEAH ID LOVE TO DATE YOU. Which she articulates by scooting over a tad and letting their knees touch. -- [01:10] CT: D »--> If you are willing, I would be happy to be a "thing" with you [01:11] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  he finally gives in and tucks a lock of her hair back, success!!! -- [01:16] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  that starts a purr. This is obviously a thing she has waiting for. She doesn't let him move his hand right away and leans directly into it for more contact. -- [01:16] AC: :33 < id like that a lot actually [01:19] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  he will absolutely take that as an invitation for more contact. he leans in to nuzzle the crown of her head while his thumb lighty traces her cheek. they're not action he's not done before, but they seem heavier, more meaningful now -- [01:20] CT: D »--> Good [01:23] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  she takes a moment to relish the less in his unrestricted touch for a bit, reaching up to touch a hand to his arm as well as the hand that's touching her face. She does lean up to press a kiss to his chin before pulling back slightly. -- [01:24] AC: :OO < okay so since were a thing now i do kind of have something to tell you [01:25] CT: D »--> I am here to listen [01:25] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  and totally not blushing at all, noooo -- [01:25] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  wow what a cute. okay deep breaths. -- [01:26] AC: :OO < ok so atten isnt my name furst off [01:27] AC: :OO < im not just a chef im pawlso kind of a pirate and a wanted criminal pawll at once [01:28] AC: :TT < and uh [01:28] AC: :33 < its nepeta [01:32] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  he's switched from nuzzling to trademark hairscritches at this point, but he pauses to cradle her face in one hand, the other on her shoulder -- [01:33] CT: D »--> Nepeta is a lovely name [01:33] CT: D »--> Thank you for telling me

(brief intermission, holy crap is this long)

[01:24] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  she's certainly not expecting such a positive response so when it comes she just shoves her face in his hands. -- [01:24] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  she was absolutely positive he would just nope right out. If not because of the whole pirate thing then because of the name thing. -- [01:25] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  more quiet purring though. no ones ever said her name was nice before -- [01:25] AC: X33 < thanks [01:30] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  her bashfulness was totally unexpected, making him grin widely when she ducks her head. he takes advantage of this to continue his scratching, bowing closer to her -- [01:30] CT: D »--> There is only so far you can go in there, you realize [01:32] AC: XOO < theres plenty of room i totally got this [01:33] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  trying very hard not to let her voice squeak as she pulls a baby birb and tries to make a nest in his hand so he cant see her blushing -- [01:33] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  he can probably feel it tho -- [01:36] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  the warmth he can feel through his palms tempts him to tease her more, but instead he tilts his head forward, his hair curtaining around her -- [01:37] CT: D »--> Mine is Dhanus [01:44] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  at the sound of his voice she does at least peek one eye from the palm of his hand. Once he reveals his name though she resurfaces completely only to press their foreheads together with a grin, blush be damned. -- [01:44] AC: X33 < i like it [01:44] AC: "33 < it suits your purrfectly [01:52] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  her blush gives him a strange sense of of gratefulness and pride, that he is able to witness it at all and that he's the one to put it there. he hums at the forehead touch, using the opportunity to give her a quick lil eskimo kiss -- [01:52] CT: D »--> Thank you [01:58] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  at the eskimo kiss she grins, blush brightening slightly, and lets out a little purr-y chirp before tilting up to kiss his nose. -- [01:58] AC: :33 < dhanus [01:58] AC: X33 < i really really like it [01:59] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  and she does. its a good name for a shield or a legendary sword or something. -- [02:04] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  he lets out a crinkle-eyed chuckle and thumbs a lock of hair from her face, at this rate he is pretty sure his smile is never coming off -- [02:04] CT: D »--> I am fonder of Nepeta, myself [02:13] AC: X33 < thats beclaws youre biased you nerd [03:54] -- chironsToxophilite [CT] changed their mood to CHUMMY  -- [03:54] -- chironsToxophilite [CT] changed their mood to SLEEK  -- [04:27] AC: X33 < thats beclaws youre biased you nerd [04:27] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  that smile is. . .really amazing, wow. It lights up his whole face and gives her a warm tingley feeling in her gut and it's not unpleasant. Besides it's so much better than the grump he usually tries to pull off. -- [04:31] CT: D »--> I have no clue what could have given you such an idea [04:32] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  he puncuates his joke with a very very light noogie, he's so grateful to be able to tease her with all this affection -- [04:42] AC: :33 < gosh i wonder~ [04:43] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  of course she takes the noogie with a giggle and in return gives him a playful headbutt to the chin. nothing jarring just a nudge really. -- [04:52] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  the nudge did catch him by surprise, but he just laughs and nuzzles between her horns, his smile softening at the edges -- [04:53] CT: D »--> I am so thankful to have you here, truly [04:57] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  the nuzzling prompts a hug and return nuzzles and she squeezes him close. Its not like its any different than what they usually did, it just felt different. Because feelings. Which are weird. But not always bad. -- [04:58] AC: X33 < hush you youre making me blush [04:59] AC: :33 < but im glad your ehere too [05:03] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  he finally allows himself to return her hug fully, chuckling deep in his chest at her admission -- [05:03] CT: D »--> Don't encourage me to go on [05:09] AC: X33 < dont you dare [05:10] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  the rumbling in his chest makes her nuzzle into him more, grinning as she smushes a cheek against his chest area -- [05:15] CT: D »--> I could wa% poetic about your blush, how endearing its color and warmth is [05:15] CT: D »--> Or your bright smile, or how tempting it is to comb your unruly nest of hair [05:23] AC: X33 < rude its not a nest [05:24] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  anymore. she bops him on the chest with a fist. obviously its not going to hurt him but shes not even trying. -- [05:24] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  he's getting all her cute bits right now, he better appreciate -- [05:26] CT: D »--> If you insist [05:29] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  that's assuming he hasn't been trying to memorize every moment of this visit. he knows there will be many more opportunities for cuteness appreciation in the future but he wants to memorize each and every one -- [05:30] CT: D »--> That does remind me [05:30] CT: D »--> The ne%t time we meet, I might suggest bringing a few blankets or pillows along, if you are so willing [05:31] AC: :33 < sure! [05:31] AC: :?? < what fur tho? [05:32] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  gonna do it anyway but she wants to know why -- [05:32] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  adjusts slightly so she's sitting in his lap and lounging properly -- [05:35] CT: D »--> I have few of my own, and [05:35] CT: D »--> I had thought you might appreciate a proper pile [05:35] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  as fine as he is with complimenting her, he's still the teensiest bit bashful about Official Pale Activities -- [05:39] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  fffffuck this is just. so much. all at once. she hasnt had a proper pile in sweeps. The blush is back again, though lighter, but she grins right through it -- [05:39] AC: :33 < yeah cool! [05:39] AC: :33 < but only if you give me a pillow of yours in exchange [05:39] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  for reasons that totally have nothing to do with her cuddling it when she sleeps -- [05:39] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  totally -- [05:41] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  as silly as it is, he's relieved when she responds, and he grins right back at her -- [05:41] CT: D »--> I believe I can manage that [06:01] AC: :33 < then i can bring some next time [06:02] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  leans against him super casually because casual is the best kind of atmosphere for her -- [06:02] AC: :OO < you know its b33n furefur since ive b33n with somepawdy [06:02] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  still kind of embarrassed about sing the moirail term excuse her -- [06:03] AC: :33 < but this isnt bad [06:03] AC: :33 < it doesnt really f33l like anything has really changed ofur than maybe title wise [06:03] AC: >:33 < and now you can nefur say no to my purresents efurrrrrrr [06:10] CT: D »--> As if I could ever say no in the first place [06:10] -- chironsToxophilite [CT]  caaaaasually tucks an arm around her, they just became official and the last thing he wants is to crush a rib or two -- [06:13] CT: D »--> But I can understand the feeling [06:15] CT: D »--> The last thing I would want is to rush you, so tell me to stop if I cross a line [06:20] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  wiggles into his hold and slumps back with a sigh.  -- [06:20] AC: :33 < i will [06:20] AC: :33 < purromise [06:20] AC: |33 < but youre good fur now [06:22] -- acidulousConviction [AC]  luckily she's totally cool with lounging so rib crushing wont be a thing anytime soon -- [08:37] -- acidulousConviction [AC] ceased pestering chironsToxophilite [CT] at 20:37 --

[foursprout-blog]

Don’t Fake It ‘Till You Make It. Do This Instead.

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/dont-fake-it-till-you-make-it-do-this-instead/

Don’t Fake It ‘Till You Make It. Do This Instead.

God & Man

Earlier this week, as I was exploring a potential investment property, the real estate agent provided my with the range of rental incomes for the property. However, as an avid follower of Samuel Zemurray’s advice (“Never trust the report.”), I dug a bit deeper. I called two rental agencies who represented units in the building and got actual numbers for what the property earned.

As it happened, the numbers were quite good, on the high end or better than what the agent had estimated. When I saw this, I smiled, not only because of the good news, but because the agent had unintentionally followed another piece of advice related to that first piece of advice.

It comes from the great John Boyd. In his wonderful biography of the eccentric fighter pilot and military reformer, Robert Coram tells a story about a case that Boyd was attempting to make against the B-1 Bomber. After finding what he felt was definitive proof that the plane wasn’t going to work and was horribly over budget, Boyd declined to use these numbers. Instead, as Coram writes,

“Boyd did not want to take these numbers to the Air Force, not yet. He ordered Leopold to recompute everything as a “best case,” that is, to give the B-1 advocates the benefit of every doubt. Every time Leopold had a choice of numbers, he was to use the most conservative. This meant that under scrutiny, and the Air Force would indeed subject the study to the most rigorous scrutiny, the numbers would only get worse; that is, any adjustments would show only higher costs.”

The agent I was speaking with could have stretched the truth. He could have given me optimistic numbers about the rental prospects of the property. Most clients would probably not only not notice, but would in fact extend it further with their own wishful thinking. But some people will check and if they catch you exaggerating, as the Air Force was hoping to do with many of Boyd’s criticisms, they’ll have the perfect excuse to stop listening.

In this case, finding that the potential upside of the investment was greater than expected, created a number of benefits for the agent. I trust him implicitly now as I know he is not the type to make a hard sale. I am now comfortable that the investment works even with this conservative math. And most of all, one of the excuses I was looking for as a buyer—one should always look for reasons not to do something they are excited to do—has evaporated.

Again, this was more than just a tactical insight from Boyd. When he was in high school he took an IQ test that, clearly by way of some error, said he had an IQ of 90. Yet even at that age, he was smart enough to refuse to take the test again. He felt he’d just been given an enormous advantage. For the rest of the life, he would tell people about that score and cultivated a reputation as a dumb jock, a simple fighter pilot. Those who believed this first impression would eventually rue underestimating him.

Yet what is the advice that we give most people? It is exactly the opposite of this! Fake it until you make it. Act the part. Market your best qualities the loudest. What are we telling people here? We’re telling them, in short, to over-promise. We’re asking them to misrepresent the numbers—about their skills, their confidence, their understanding—and hope they don’t get caught.

That has always struck me as a horrible way to kick off one’s career…and a worse way to continue one.

As far as branding goes, many more established people fall into the same trap. They master appearances and positioning and copywriting in a way that often papers over weaknesses or flaws. They look great on their website or in their work, but meet them in real life and you’re disappointed. God forbid you end up getting a look under the hood—at their real financials for instance or just have the experience of hiring them—and you’re just disgusted. And you’ll never make that mistake again.

Early on in my life, after having a couple encounters with people whose work had painted a very different picture of who they were, I decided I would make Boyd’s strategy my overall life strategy. Call it the Boydian Lowball. On a more tactical level, I wanted to make sure that if I was, say, challenging someone’s project or idea, I would give them the benefit of the doubt first (Peter Thiel calls this the “steel man” tactic). I wouldn’t use the stick just because I had it, but reserve it for later. But on a more personal level, I wanted to make sure whatever brand I created as a writer or a public figure undersold the goods.

I want my bio to understate my accomplishments. The sales figures I use or the stats I mention in my writing are going to be conservatively proven rather than optimistically expressed. When I edit my writing, I actually try to go back through and soften certainty and intensity. Because that’s more honest, even if slightly less compelling.

Another example: I give a lot of talks to groups and sports teams and conferences because of my books. First off, it’s always interesting to me, knowing a lot of other people who do this for a living, how much insane exaggeration there is in the industry about what other people get paid. I don’t engage in any of that. But when I give talks at the end, there’s usually a long Q&A session, which I love doing. A significant portion of the time, after the event is over, one of the organizers will thank me for doing the Q&A and express appreciation that I was good at it. That struck me as off, of course I should be good at answering questions about what I just talked about. I mean, that’s my job and it’s why you hired me. The first few times this happened, I asked what they meant. Are other people not good at Q&A? It turns out, no, they aren’t. They give great polished talks but when it comes time to speaking extemporaneously they can’t perform.

To me, this is a great example of the dangers of overpromising. If you present yourself as an expert about something, you better be able to deliver on it all the way through. Many speakers can practice a talk until it looks masterful but can’t actually speak about the topic (or related topics) authoritatively. The worst part for them is that the Q&A comes at the end of the talk, so they leave the stage having followed up their initially positive impressive with a negative one.

My goal as a writer and as a person is to undersell and overdeliver. There is very little upside in the long term at attracting fans to your work by posting pictures of you on a private jet. Or talking about how much money you make—particularly if you are exaggerating that number for effect. The same goes for name dropping. Or adding extra labels to your name. Ryan is an angel investor, entrepreneur, MENSA member, whatever.

Be who you are. Let your work speak for itself. Let it speak quietly too.

You should avoid these things beyond the minimum not only because you don’t want to be a douche. Or rather, when you’re a douche, you also make yourself a target, and the more you do it, the bigger the target gets. I can think of one author I know who has upwardly inflated his sales figures for many years. Not only do I think this has deprived him of the real pleasure of enjoying what he actually accomplished, the bad habit has fed on itself and created a cycle of exaggeration and attention seeking. Sadly, I don’t think the deceit is even intentional at this point. It’s been repeated enough times for long enough that the author believes it. Dishonesty is bad for the soul and when it becomes a behavior tic—driven by ego—it begs for a hit piece by a journalist.

As I wrote in Conspiracy, the founder of Gawker, Nick Denton is a good example of this dance in both senses. On the one hand, the company benefited for a long time by making itself look bigger and more powerful than it was. This deterred most of its enemies. Gawker also deterred its enemies by exaggerating its weaknesses, as Denton explained to Playboy, “I lower everyone’s commercial expectations. ‘Oh, nothing to see here. There’s no business here. This thing has the revenue of a hamburger stand. We have no journalistic ambitions. If we ever commit journalism, it’s by accident.’”

And again, this worked for a long time. The problem was that eventually someone, in this case the billionaire Peter Thiel, actually checked. What he found was that both the extreme elements of Gawker’s branding—that it was a large, powerful media outlet that shouldn’t be messed with and conversely, that it didn’t have any assets or ambitions—were misrepresentations. Thiel did the math himself and found there was something to go after and at the same time, Gawker was perhaps a paper tiger that needn’t be feared.

And the result? A $140 million dollar, bankruptcy-inducing verdict against Gawker.

That is why you don’t want to bullshit people. Why you don’t get too far out over your skis.

Because if you get caught, you will fall. It will hurt.

Being underestimated, underselling is better anyway. Provided that it’s backed up, ultimately, by impressive goods. One of the most powerful and viral emotions is surprise. Use that.

Be more articulate than they expect. Nicer in person than they would have thought. Have more ideas than interns usually do. Make honesty a policy where few do. Be in way better financial shape than anyone would guess. Reveal that new or interesting hobby later, after they already like you. Keep that stick behind your back until you really need it—pull it out an whack them with it right while they’re in the middle of doubting you.

That’s what real winners do. And they do it while posers are both busy pretending to be those things and paranoid they’re about to be caught for it.

Like to Read? I’ve created a list of 15 books you’ve never heard of that will alter your worldview and help you excel at your career. Get the secret book list here!   

[performanceteams]

5 pm and its already real emo hours?

ya girl kat is back at it again

*deep sigh*

yep, it seems like i have existential crisisies every damn time before i have a huge assessment (which is all the damn time in this hell forsaken ib program)

i just i dont know like always i feel kinda empty, in fact i’ve kinda felt like this for awhile, not just a sorta sadness but also a kind of tiring emptiness

even when i laugh or smile or im having fun, theres still this kind of underlying sadness or worry at the back of my mind

theres a lot of reasons i feel this way, and i dont think i can pinpoint it on one particular thing or event, but i guess to sum it up i feel like im sort of regressing. I used to have these big dreams of being some lawyer and going to a super legit ivy league, and being successful and happy.

but because of this fuckign program i realised i cant do that, i guess yeah its good the difficulty helped me realise that life is hard eariler than later, but a part of me quite frankly would have prepared 2 more years of blissful ignorance. so like last year i decided no i cant do that i cant take the stress im not smart enough that jist blah blah so i guess i kinda haphazardly decided ummm ill do psychology?? its something im interested in and my friends always go to me when theyre down and im pretty good at cheering them up and i did well on the psych course i took 

but the thing is im so unsure o fgoing into this when all my friends are doing ““successful”“ majors like comscip or engineering or premed. and im not even sure of the major i want to do....

i know my parents say therye okay with it but like the truth is i know they arent. like my dad looked so dissapointede in me when i told him i didnt apply to any buisness schools

what im also scrae dof is doing psych at uni and having the whole being assesed thing make me hate it. nothing kills passion than having it associated with dissapointment and stress

my parents sort of instilled this idea in me that if something isnt useful dont do it. which is causing me a lot of grief and stress rn with the recent intersts and hobbies i have. there around 3 but ill just talk about one right now

languages, since like grade 6 ive been fascinated baout languages, i wanted to learn more and wanted to be those cool polygots. i didnt get that far you konw preteen attention span, i learned the cyrillic alphabet and really basic german in the brief period of time tho

in like grade 11 i spent time (and still am) spending time relearning how to read and write chinese, that wasnt a struggle because well i am chinese and its a DAMN useful language

but then grade 12 (aka me last  2+ weeks) i stumbled upon the langblr community and i remembered the interest and spark i used to have about languages, and i saw so many people and so many RELALY GOOD RESORUCES and i was like wow.

so i was like ugh whatever i guess il download duolingo just to check out the features ill probably ditch it anyway

well two weeks and 100 lingots later... guess i didnt ditch it.... but then like theres this nagging voice in my head thats telling me to stop wasting my time learning french, russian, spanish (and german kinda but i haveent startred that yet) these languages arent going to be useful for my future i should sjust stop im wasitng my time

im wasting my time just like i always do, i waste my time doing meaningless things i wont even be able to speak or read these languages that well ill forget eventually so why am i wasitng my time now?

this voice is just so damn loud and i wish i could tell it to shut up

i wish i could truly enjoy something that makes me happy wtihout thinking im wasting my time and im a loser i really ohenstly dont feel that im good at anything or have any geniune long lasting passion i feel like ill ditch the whole langauges and the other two hobbies soon i just feel like ill continue my cycle of mediocirty

another part of me just wonders if im seeing tthe past through rose coloured glasses, so i went back to read some of my old journals and stuff  and i think with the exception of some periods of time

i was geniunely happier then than i am now

but i also had some unhealthy ideas about myself, interests, and i was kind of unhealthily obsessive over some things, granted i still have some problems with that. but i think the main difference is now i’m aware

and to be frank, being aware im not entirely sure if thats a GOOD thing, in fact it kinda makes my not so good feelings feel worse since im aware.

what is geniune happiness? what is the difference between a hobby or interest that brings true joy or just unhealthy escapism? i dont know well i think i know what the answer might be but its still blury and vague

well from this i think one thing im not that bad is im alright at expressing myself and my emotions, im almost too in tune with myself, but the problem is yes i may be aware yes i may be able to articulate myself. but i dont do anything to change

so my circumstances and my feelings and the general state im always in, i guess its just my fault

i hope to look at this months or a year or maybe even years from now and say i didnt have anything to worry about and that things became better

but then again, maybe in the future ill be saying “wow yo u had it easy, i wish i could go back things are much worse now”

honestly i have way more to say but this already seems to o long so maybe another time i have an exam tmrw anyway