#i dont at all wanna self diagnose since i dont trust myself with shit.

[rushingmelody]

I need to research brain stuff one day cause wdym other people don't have music play in there head 24/7 and don't daydream 24/7 and don't have a specific character in their brain for months on end until a new character comes in and becomes the new resident i hate my brain I want that shit specifically to stopppppp i feel so cringe

[reficu1]

hiiii ^^ was wondering if I could have a matchup for genshin?

name: Periwinkle or just Peri but i also go by quin sometimes

sexuality: bi with a preference for guys

gender: non-binary, they/them

likes: music, art, true crime, animals but especially sea creatures, makeup, fashion, the cold, dark psychology, night, horror movies an books, gore, monsters <3, tropical fruits, icecream, sleeping, giving gifts, snow, thunderstorms, nature, and dinosaurs lmao.

dislikes: rules, anyone super serious reminds me of my m o m lmao, people who interrupt others, sports, heat, people touching my sides without warning me first, people not paying attention to me when i talk, people who always hold a pity party for themselves as their whole personality, koalas, and people who think they have it worse than you.

hobbies: singing, poetry, painting, sketching, writing, cooking, crocheting, bike riding while listening to music, swimming, video games like (skyrim, minecraft, botw, subnautica)

personality: INFP-A. a lot of people say i seem intimidating at first glance, i'm very aggressive and tend to be very loud by nature yet not very energetic if that makes sense. i talk too loud basically lmao. im socially awkward and try to make people too comfy too quick and tend to overshare. my mood changes rapidly due to being a borderline. I have a very happy personality tho and laugh at so much its ridiculous yet im diagnosed with multiple mental disorders. im really lazy and hate even standing for more than 5 mins mainly cuz my whole body always hurts tho lmao. im quite introverted and unless i HAVE to i hate going out and meeting new people. i isolate myself a lot if i get even slightly mad or sad. i have a lot of self-destructive habits and just dont work on them lmao. i talk a lot about things i like. i have bad trust and attachment issues yet i dont completely trust anyone due to past issues. a lot of people ik say im someone very trustworthy since i can keep secrets and know how to stay loyal and help people when they need to vent. im very blunt to the point it has ruined relationships. i try to watch my speaking due to having grown up in an environment where if i said anything wrong id be screamed at or beat so i tend not to say a lot of things im thinking despite being blunt. i can barely speak up for myself if someone is mad at me for fear of them hating me or leaving me, to the point if i stand up for myself i start crying and shaking and have to leave the room. i have really bad issues with self-harm. i have a very short attention span and get distracted super easy t the point i can barely read properly lmao. im really hypersexual at times and then sex repulsed at other times. i have an obsessive personality and if i find anything i like i surround myself with it as much as i can and if not, im daydreaming abt it. i have a thing for correcting people abt anything ik a lot about. i have a thing for loving anyone, whether real or fake, that's usually unliked whether its for being weird, scary, or ugly in any form. so basically i love the unloveable cuz i understand them. i cuss a l o t lmao. im very clumsy and jumpy at all times lmao i get hurt a lot, randoms bruises everywhere. i find comfort in my depression so i dont plan on getting better but im not suicidal. im the type of person to be like "huh?" even tho i heard you loud and clear.

insecurities: my body. i'm overweight for my height and have really defined curves so i get oversexualized a lot so i hate my body, plus my scars do n o t help. ive been told my whole life by my grandma and my cousins that im only good for my body so yeah. the way i get obsessed with things and people so easily. the fact im very poor and currently am homeless along with my parents lmao. the way i look for bad in anyone i like becuz i dont want to let myself love ever again. how i dont want to get better at all, i just wanna stew in my shit lmaoooo. the way i eat really unhealthily. how when i would cry as a child my family would say i was being dramatic so now when i need to cry i gaslight myself into thinking im being cringe. the way i try to seem a bit cooler than i am in front of people online. my impulsive lying (im working on it with my therapist tho so i barely do anymore compared to before). My taste in people. my fashion sense cuz of my mom. the way im agnostic now since i grew up religious. my darker interests. my boyish personality. how i cant keep anything around me clean for more than two days.

I hope you have a great night/day ^^

Oh, it's sad how similar we are. I hope that in the future you will get rid of people who make you uncomfortable, or your parents will change their parenting methods. Although the scars on the body and on the nervous system will remain.

I match up for you...

Okay, it was difficult. I chose between two characters whose 7 is dominant in the enneagram, because of this they avoid their problems _(._.)_well...

I wanted to choose Venti, but he has huge problems with responsibility or absence. He is used to drowning out moral pain with optimism, conversations, and a penchant for bad habits. And a pretty sloppy attitude.

That's why I chose Child. Of course, I don’t know what will happen in the future and whether you want to have a family, so I will talk about his family in Snezhnaya. For the comfort of his family, he will do everything. Just look at his spoiled younger brother<^!^> Of course, the "lie" question bothers me. In his case, it is rather "a lie for the good" and "a wolf in sheep's clothing." The first is for the family so that they do not worry, and the other for his work. I talked earlier about avoiding reality or problems. Tartaglia has a tendency to avoid real issues that only concern his life and injuries. In conversation, he avoids the question by making a joke out of it, so as not to begin to study himself deeply. Since you don't really like touch, I see that his love language is deeds, gifts, money.

[blueempty]

I forgot to take a night pic but it looked just like this except dark

I had a pretty good day despite not sleeping enough. Me and my brother tied in Mario Kart three grand prix's in a row, and then I beat Barony as a skeleton ninja on switch. I made my own food for before and during work so I got through the day without spending money on food but I also got in at like 5:30 so it kinda wasnt worth it. It was good though

I've been trying to be more assertive about it but lately I've gotten really tired of people being so toughies on me. I think I generally present myself as being pretty emotionally stable, certainly not all the time and certainly less in recent years but like, at least in social situations I can be trusted to not completely fly off the handle, and idk if that has people forgetting that I am Unwell in the brain region. I try not to lean on my self diagnosed mental illnesses too much but I'm PRETTY SURE I'm displaying symptoms of autism and ADHD in the group chat, but it feels like people are constantly expecting me not to have the memory problems I have

My job is fake, it's the easiest job in the world. I pushed that test off again, I can not be stopped, but like the routine of waking up 6 days a week and having to rush to either be at work or at band at a reasonable time and then 5 of those days having to be at work for minimum 6 hours whether theres anything to do or not, and then coming home and having no time to do anything after showering, eating, and cleaning up, it's taking its toll on me bro. I get one day a week where I dont have to worry about shit and I really should be spending it trying to be more productive, but like I'm bad at being productive. I fucking love being unemployed I wanna be unemployed so bad!!!! But yeah I just cant keep things in my brain. I literally failed an object permanence check yesterday and today when I went out to the kitchen to eat things I was excited to eat. Just forgot they were there. I keep wasting food doing that. Anyway vent over sorry bro I'm so sorree

My phone absolutely refuses to focus on the moonstones but my dudes are growiiiing. They've come so far since the shipping accident and as soon as I find the right time to behead the bigger ones theyre gonna be so cash money. I gotta post garlic pics tomorrow too that thing is insane. For all the bad brain shit going on rest assured the plants are kicking ass and I feel good about them. Even the cocoon that won't rehydrate for literally no reason

Peace and Long Life

[thebuttsmcgee]

this life is just one tiring day after another. this year proves it even more so.

[grade-a-certified-slut]

Haikyuu jjk au

Ok so I made this one day over quarantine with my bestie(wife) the plot goes something like this:

 Daichi Sawamura is trying his best to navigate high school while also being a special grade sorcerer. (kinda corny sounding ik but bear with me) Ever since he understood his situation he’d wanted nothing to do with it but his strong sense of justice has kept him from abandoning the very thing he hates. 

This au is essentially me being awful and biased and you all get to watch the man crumble as he tries his damndest to uphold a normal life while also being a sorcerer. Yes we on that living a double life shit :)

Warnings: daichi getting his shit kicked in 24/7 (so like violence, bodily harm, blood, etc), bad mental health, self sacrificing bullshit, cursing, characters might be a bit ooc but i try my hardest not to let that happen (daichi is probs the biggest offender of this but it makes sense???? ig you’ll see), 🤮mahito🤮, uh manipulation, Uh does not follow the manga eventually bc canon makes me sad and this is my au so i’ll do as i please

s’hard to write down warnings for a story I’m still in the middle of writing but that is all i can think of off the top of my head. I’ll add later

Um I feel like I should mention this outside of warnings so it doesn’t get lost but it’s still a warning: there are mentions of schizophrenia often. Let me explain, so obviously we’re not really aware of how people react when their kid, out of nowhere develops a cursed technique and the family are non-sorcerers so i did my own take. kinda spoilers but it’s literally talked ab early on in the story so whatever. Daichi is born to a family of non-sorcerers and develops his cursed technique at the age of 5. As any normal child would, he freaks the fuck out when he sees curses bc that shit must be scary for a child to see if i find them gross and awful to look at. His parents, as any decent parents should be, are concerned as fuck and initially the doctors are like “boy’s got an overactive imagination” and after two years of futzing around they finally decide to diagnose him with childhood schizophrenia (a thing that doctors don’t like to diagnose until a person is like at least 13 but it can happen earlier). They put him on meds, etc, etc. I do not have schizophrenia nor do i personally know anyone with it so anything I write about it is after I’ve done intense research. I’m aware that it doesn’t affect everyone the same way. I’m not technically writing a character with it he just kinda goes a long with pretending to have it because, really, no one would believe him if he tried to convince them otherwise and he had no fucking idea what was going on when he got the diagnosis. He does take antipsychotics, i could find little online about what that could do to a person who didn’t need it so (quora doesn’t count i dont trust jackshit from there) fuck it this is fiction all it does is dull his cursed technique and make him just generally feel like shit. long rant over but that’s my take on a sorcerer being born to a non-sorcerer family. (Like ik in jjk there are people who are the only sorcerer in their family but they never talk ab it so i gotta improvise bitch and i mean this was the most logical conclusion to me ig)

I’m sorry that was so long but I really felt like I needed to explain myself on that last bit. I just don’t wanna say anything and people like get confused or misinterpret things so yknow might as well put everything out there lol. anyway any feedback on the concept is welcome. I already have a good chunk of this written out so I’ll get to posting it eventually.

Have a good night/day/evening!

[9ty-lb-princ3ss]

am i the only one?

(1/2/20) (long rant im sorry)

am i the only one that questions the reasons why i have the illnesses and disorders that i have? am i the only one that questions if i even have illnesses and disorders? I've never been diagnosed for anything but i feel like im just good at acting? idk, i keep trying to tell me therapist how much shit my brain goes through but i dont think he understands. i dont think anyone understands really. it's like everyone i try to tell just says "oh yeah that's normal" or "happiness is a choice so just choose to be happy". part of me wants to say that they're wrong but logically it makes sense? idk, i just feel like im drowning in 10ft of water but maybe im drowning in 2ft and all i need to do is stand up. but if that's the case then why do i feel worthless, why is my brain so attracted to self destructive behavior, why do i still wanna die? are those feelings real or are they just a force of habit because that's what I've been feeding my brain since 7th grade? i have so many questions swirling around like a tornado in my head and everytime i try to reach out and grab one to focus on, it gets swept up in the storm again. so many questions, zero of them answered and it's stressing me out beyond belief. it's making me question everything. like why am i starving myself? i ask myself that, start eating again, and immediately regret eating but it happens like everyday so maybe im just faking everything. everything is confusing and my brain won't stop shouting things at me and i just wanna cry and tell someone this shit but it never comes out right. i feel like i need help but maybe im just faking everything. should i even be in therapy? should i even have an ed blog? am i doing this for attention? am i doing it so i can gain experience for how to help others? i don't know what I'm doing anymore. i don't trust myself. i don't trust my judgment. im scared. everything is scary right now and i feel like I'm screaming and people can hear me but no one is choosing to listen.

-🔮

[system-of-a-feather]

Early Therapy Story Time with Riku

So I was telling my friend a bit about a kind of funny story of what our first few months / year in therapy was like when our therapist was specialized in Autism and Aspergers with little training with trauma / dissociation. It is just kind of a sit down kind of story so if you wanna read some of our experiences and get a laugh or take whatever lesson from our experience you like, feel free to read below the “keep reading”

-Riku (Host)

Back when we first entered therapy I think in like 2016, I wasn’t host (at best maybe co-host but I primarily was only active to be online and occasionally in our high school band) but instead a now-dormant alter we call TA was “host”. I put “ “ around that because while she was technically host, she switched out a lot and there was little organization in our system due to other issues in the past causing dissociative barriers to be higher than ever and making communication hard for most parts besides Lucille and myself. (which back then we were in active denial about DID and having alters so I just thought of him as my ‘smart brain’)

Originally, our family was extremely against therapy as it was a waste of money and “stupid”, but between a mental health related hospitalization of my middle sister, Lucille and I were able to put a plan to use our parent’s love for looking like the perfect parents against them as to get them to let us “get therapy for 13 weeks for Trichotillomania” and then continue using their desire to look like the perfect parents to keep us in therapy. It wasn’t necessarily the most moral way, but at the point we were at in our mental health, we needed it.

At the time, TA was really not handling our life well, was majorly depressed on a daily basis, and loathed existing to dangerous levels. From what I hear from Lucille and the bits I saw from the headspace, she often compared herself to her “online personality that could do everything where she couldn’t even socialize if her life depended on it”. Aderis, at the time, was a very jaded individual who expected for us to k*** ourselves by the time we were 18 and was behaving recklessly and as a persecutor more than a protector. I was going through abuse through a number of toxic co-dependent friendships and was slowly getting majorly depressed and stressed over how I was living. Lucille was the only active fronter that was able to function remotely well at the time, so he pulled me aside to help get us into therapy since I cared about mental health.

Anyways we ended up with a therapist that specialized in autism and aspergers because we had to hide our intentions with the three diagnoses we had before being aspergers (which my mom said we were said to have at a young age but later took it back??), trichotillomania, and generalized anxiety disorder.

Pretty quickly our therapist picked up that TA dissociated a lot and quickly came across how much she hated her existence and hated that our real life was so shit compared to our online life. Like when asked about what exactly she hated about her life / self she often rambled about how useless she was in comparrison to the life I lead online and how she felt she should just give up on life and live online since it made us happier and was better and so on.

My therapist - untrained in trauma and dissociation - did pick up on the symptom of dissociation and (in hindsight) I realize he probably went ‘shit this is larger than i thought’ and did comment “The differentiation you have between your online self and irl self sounds almost like DID but I dont know if that applies if it is online and offline self since people tend to have similar” and we vaguely addressed handling as if it was DID.

My therapist then commented on how it would be best to try to “integrate” the online and offline self, which is kind of a decent step in thought and theory for our situation, but considering he was unexperienced and handling it - it didn’t quite work that way. In therapy we then began to work towards making the online world and real life world meet which did actually get me back to being involved in our real life as Lucille had me pick people I knew irl that I thought I would be comfortable interacting with online. I picked three people and invited them to a party and only one of them stuck, that person being my current fiance.

From there a lot of work was about trying to bring her “online personality” more into the real world so that she could have the skills she developed online and what not, and essentially that didn’t really work in terms of integration as much as it really just forced me to be involved more. Since I was talking to our fiance online, I had to front more to talk to him in person since TA would get uncomfortable pretty quickly around others and she struggled to trust / get comfrotable around him.

Slowly things generally started to involve me in the real world a lot and at some point TA kind of just decided she was done existing and done fronting and dealing with life and kind of went into a slumber which has lasted the past 3 years. When that happened the system just kinda all turned to me and told me life was now my responsibility as both the most socially adjusted alter, the most passing alter, the alter that was most actively involved in our real life on a personal level and everything.

But like... I guess I didn’t tell this in such a funny manner, but like our original therapist didn’t diagnose us with DID - he wasn’t qualified to nor did he think it was ACTUALLY DID - and kind of worked with it as a weird normal level of dissociation and worked with it kind of like an exaggerated description of sorts. I don’t think for a moment he actually thought of us as separate.

I really just kind of find it funny in hindsight how much effort was put into bringing the “online personality” and integrating it and kinda how it both failed and succeeded in the long run.

It is also kind of why a non-specialist shouldn’t try to work with DID, but also to show I guess that working with a non-specialist can be helpful? Since in the end, what my first therapist did was enable and promote a host switch to the most effective potential host and that did our life a large boost considering TA would likely have been unable to maintain a relationship, manage college, or stick to therapy as full heartedly as I.

With that being said, it did put her in a deep dormancy that the entire system has been trying to preserve until we are in a safe enough life / stable enough situation and all that no matter what damage her waking up and coming out of dormancy might cause that we are 100% certain we can handle it well.

But thats just a bit of our story / night time tale of our early therapy days XD Felt like sharing the story so I hope you enjoyed. Any comments or questions regarding this is fully welcome.

[groundramon]

even numbers for the ask thingy

2. favourite movie?

BIG HERO 6 because i am a weeb

4. dream date?not to be nsfw but id love to c*ddle and watch dumb anime w/ my bffs some day (i’d @ them but i dont wanna scare them ysdbcakjf and one of them doesnt have a tumblr but - rainy moony sharpy ily sobs)

6. what are your hobbies?Doing dumb shit, drawing when my tablet decides to work, writing when my brain decides to work, watching Appmon, and crying

8. if you could look like anything, what would you look like?DRAGON.

10. what’s your favourite type of weather?The kind of cloudy that blocks the sun but not a rainy cloudy, a cool breeze, maybe mid 70s during the day and 60s at night, p dry humidity but not like super dry humidity because my body will start falling apart, … raining is also ok but 1. its gotta be cooler and 2. i just dont wanna get wet so not during the day when im out pls

12. what are your turn ons?dr. agons.

14. if you got a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?I’ve always been partial to orioles and I’ve thought abt getting one of those dove-symbolic tattoos but with an oriole, probably with something in its beak that promotes love an acceptance (or since it’s like the dove from noah’s ark, incorporate a rainbow theme into it, and smth about how it can mean multiple things) and im not sure where it’d be but probably on my shoulder, low enough to see if i roll up my sleeve but high enough that i can cover it if i have to

16. dream job?Television writer for kids’ animation!!! serialized/fantasy animation like ATLA, Hilda, TDP, ect

18. dream vacation?Visiting ALL the pokemon centers in japan (or at least like, the biggest ones, Please)

20. if you had kids, what would you name them?Fuckboy and lavagirl

22. worst traits?Ok I dont want to be self loathing BUT a pet peeve I have @ myself is that every time I get a shiny pokemon im like “oh i am so fucking sexy I love SOS hunting” and then I try SOS hunting again and i die after 3 hours of misery for like 10 times before I get lucky again, and then the cycle repeats

anyways im off to go sos shiny h-

24. what do you want to eat right now?Hnggg i havent had blackberry frozen yogurt for so long

26. favourite city?whatever city in japan has the biggest pokemon center, thats my favorite

28. favourite article of clothing?awfully bold of you to assume that I avoid being nude for any other reason than dysphoria and self-conciousness

30. favourite meal of the day?I do enjoy my daily morning fruit loops

31. what are you excited for?HNG I might adopt a snek from my local reptile rescue place… my mom likes this 1 snake called a rosy boa and we think it might be rlly good for our situation!! because i’ll obvs have it (hopefully) going into college and although I want to move into a place where I can have the snake by my third year, my parents may want to go on vacation before then, sooo even tho feeding isn’t an issue water is.  HOWEVER rosy boas can go for pretty long periods of time without water, it seems like? so they might be perfect!! they’re also docile and small and apparently really stupid.  We were gonna ask abt the rosy boa and stuff tomorrow but my dad might need us to pick him up while costco works on his car :/ but we’ll look into the individual snake more soon.  This is kind of what it looks like btw!!!

so i realized after answering this that I did this wrong F so ill just answer the right question now but leave this

32. not excited for?Going to costco with my dad instead of looking at cute sneks at my local reptile rescue :/

34. dream house?So many plushies…….bed of plushies….bed of kinetic sand…..many reptiles….but like nice ones, i cant keep iguanas they make me sad :(

36. what’s something you love about the world?REPTILES but uh, honestly?  If humanity wasn’t so much of a hivemind as it is now thanks to the internet and whatnot (which sounds terfy and suspiciously aphobic but stay with me) I feel like humanity would have such amazing potential to structure itself in such an amazing way.  And by the hivemind, I mean we’re all connected and most of us function off of the same idea of human rights and government format.  I really believe in the freedom of speech but it’s hard to defend it when homophobes are the majority instead of the minority.  Plus, humanity isn’t evil, but the way corporate capitalism is has beaten us all into heartless monsters.  Socialism WOULDN’T work in america at large because capitalism turned us into greedy bitches.  It’s not fundamentally flawed, but we’ve been shaped into something incompatible with socialism, sadly.  So I kind of just bitched about the world but my point is, humans are very flexible, and we can change so much in so little time.  It takes effort to change an entire culture, but the flexibility of human nature from generation to generation is heartwarming.

38. what kind of sleeper are you?It’s super hard for me to fall asleep if there’s even like 1 sound but once im asleep im dead fucking asleep.  I wear ear plugs so you cannot wake me up.  Today a fridge repair man came and my parents said he was running this super loud machine but the only thing i heard was the dude leaving after everything was over bc thats when i happened to wake up.

40. are you a cat or dog person?CAT CAT CATCATCAT BUT IM ALLERGIC SOBS like dogs are good boys but we don’t get along.  I mean dogs like me, but I think - especially in more intelligent dogs - we kind of just respect each other from a distance.  Meanwhile I’m basically just an uglier cat so

(also i like snakes because they’re basically cats but noodlier, stupider, and im not allergic to them)

42. free! ask anythingSOL YOU DIDN’T ASK ME ANYTHINJG

44. are you trusting?It depends.  If you’ve done smth to make me suspicious, then I’m suspicious.  If not, then I’m not.  I’m also kind of just an open book to everyone i meet as long as I think they’re LGBT friendly and whatever so yeah, i dont have a lot of secrets lmao

46. what labels do you commonly get?I’m pretty sure this isn’t related but my friend diagnosed me as Digit from Cyberchasers-kin today

48. what issues are you dealing with right now?Jesus christ where do i fucking start okay:- tablet broken, dont know why (well i know whats wrong but i cant fix it), have to draw at particular angles to draw, cant use paper bc of sensory overload, big sad- mom’s phone is breaking, dont know why, big sad- fridge broke, its fixed now but i need cold water to not have headache and its taken all damn day to cool down- still grieving over Peppermint- politics Suck- Friends upsetti over miscellaneous shitty (not at me tho we wuv each other)- sensory overload makes EVERYTHING SO LOUD- we’re almost out of milk. i dont know if ill have enough milk for my fruit loops tomorrow. help.- my fingers?? were literally peeling because it was so dry here for a lil while??? theyre kind of better now but then i decided to sew so i fucked them up again- also did i mention im super behind on plushies- also my sewing machine isnt working with the thread i need it to work with (or im dumb)- I still have hang nails and im constantly worried abt nose bleeds bc of the lack of humidity Please Help Me- I owe my parents so much fucking money for vet bills and plushies.  They didnt even charge me for the more expensive vet bill or the cuddle clones plush, just the first bill.  But I only have like $32 left on that and I owe like $44 for plushies that I bought after the vet bill so I’m also just stupid- cuddle clones hasnt contacted me since i placed the order and i never specified the pose (bc there wasnt enough fucking room) so im concerned- i sent the reptile rescue guy an email but he didnt get back to me and im Big Sad bc if hed Reply i wouldnt even have to go (well obvs i would eventually, but i just mean like, rn)- mom’s battling in court for her inheritance because my step grandma is a bitch, and my dad’s been having Drama with his siblings after my grandma passed away, and im big stressed

50. what’s something about you people don’t know?Like how many people we talking here? bc if you mean nobody knows then aw piss this doesnt count. but if you mean just like tumblr/excluding like 3 other people uhhh i might be working on a warrior cats fanfiction because oh you know im a weeb.  But if you mean nobody knows then i want to write a harujin fanfic but im lazy. also you could probably guess that i want to write that but. it still counts.

[xasherahx]

Confused

Im so confused right now. I dont know whats up and down on my feelings. I was at a job interview yesterday. I didnt expect to get the job seing how i knew i didnt met the requirements, and i know i did all i could and more. Yet today when they called and told me i didnt get the job i felt sad, but happy at the same time. No im sitting here at the middle of the night feeling pathetic and weak, yet strong and like i accomplished something. I literally feel like im going to throw up cause its causing a weird ache in my chest. I feel like i should just give up on everything, yet im desperately looking for something to cling onto to not do that. 

Ive started talking to this guy over a page on the internet. We have already decided to just be friends and wait and se what happens after we actually met. And im fine with that. I dont wanna rush into anything when im as fragile as i am right now. Yet im sure im falling for him at times. Like I wanna talk to him all the time. I stalk his instagram and facebook and other pages to se what hes up to. And when i se that he have liked a picture of other girls, my chest hurt. But then the next time i dont feel anything at all? Like sure we have talked about sex and such and im basically his slave, but that doesn't mean i have anything to say. One of the first things he said when we started talking about it is that im free to do whomever i please when im not around him. And of course the same goes for him. Even tho im as mono as a human person can be. Yet he makes it seem like he just want to be with me even tho his sex-drive is out the roof? 

The best thing with this guy is that he respects me and seem to be honest about things. If i answer something stupid he still answer the questions (most of the time). He cares alot about my mental health. Alot more then ive ever done. Or anyone else have to be honest. Hes a really sweet funny guy. He takes time out of his free time to talk with me and to learn me how too play league of legends, just so we can play together. He praises me when i do good things, and he dont scold me when i fuck up in any shape or form. Hes patient whit my negativity and self hatred. He tries to help me get better. He makes me feel good looking at times and he makes me smile and laugh even when i feel like shit. And im starting to crave for his attention more and more for each day that pass. But yet again, i dont think its a crush? But i have no idea what else to call it. 

He have in just some weeks sneaked his way into my head and broken down the walls one by one and gotten me to open up about things i thought id never tell anyone (and that is making me raise my guard even more cause i have no idea how to act). He have gained my trust in no time at all. Not fully but its not far from it. And just that is a huge achievement, seing how i barely trust my friends ive known my whole life. I dont feel like i deserve him in any kind of way. But yea i dont think i deserve anything or anyone. 

Then there is this really nice sad guy ive just talked with for a few days. I feel like i can be myself when i talk to him. Hes kinda cute, nice and all. The typical guy i know i tend to fall for. Thing is, hes 19. And i know age is just a number but its setting me off so badly. And he seems so sensitive. I feel like if i stay around ill tip him over the edge that hes already balancing on. But i dont want to stop talking to him. He said hes happy i listen when he opens up and hes happy that we talk. But i dont know. I feel like im setting him off by telling him about things. And i haven't even opened up that much yet.. Barely cracked the lid. And i dont want to scare him away just cause im fucked up. 

And then we have my so called best friend that ive known since i turned 13. Everything changed after he and creepie broke up. He changed. He started lying about things before that but he never treated me bad until last year. The one person i trusted fully flipped the coin and turned into something and someone i dont know anymore. The one person i felt like i could actually talk to invited me over to stay with him for a week then, during the days i was at creepies place, decide that a tinder chick that he basically just want to fuck is more important then his (his own words) best friend? His best friend that took money she didnt have just to go and visit him cause HE was feeling depressed and hated being alone. So he changes his plans making me break down and get pissed off enough to jell at him. And he still to this day dont understand why i actually got mad, at least what i think. His new girlfriend is a really sweet girl. Hit it off with her directly. And she forced him to talk to me about it. He apologized about him acting like a cunt but something in his eyes made me feel like he still had no idea what he had done to me. What he had caused. I went to him  before new years. I was so nervous i had to take my anxiety pills. That should say it all. 

Ontop of all this shit AF is at my back about me getting a job. They thing i should get a job that basically marks me a Mentally broken person. Just cause i haven't been able to land a job yet. Just cause i cant the tom understand that i literally CANT work with anything unless i have a interest for it. They dont understand when i tell them im 110 % sure i have Asperger's. Ive also gotten the paper saying they are looking into it and that im in line for the next part of it. Yet they seem to think im just lazy and stubborn. 

But ey at least i got that going for me. The psychiatrist finally agreed with me. Almost 2 years later im finally getting somewhere with that. Just had to slip between the chairs 3 times before anything happened, but you know thats normal and can get brushed aside by saying sorry. At least thats what the three people i met think. They thought i had read up about it and knew what i was talking about at least. Of course i know what im talking about. I wouldnt be sitting there if i didnt. Ive lived with it my whole life. I just didnt realize it had a fucking name until my brother got the diagnose some years ago.  

Back to the topic males i guess.. Lately ive started talking to more and more males. I keep carving some sort of recognition. Even tho its not the right kind. All they do is want to put their dick in me, yet i keep talking to them, “flirting”. And i dont like that at all. Ive never needed someones acceptance before. Ive never craved for someone to lust for me either. I have no idea why im changing like this. I dont like it but i dont think i can stop it. I know its a new way for me to hurt myself. Ive basically switched cutting to sex. Just havent physically fucked anyone yet. And yea i still cutt when i cant handle my anxiety so. Guess i havent replaced it at all. Just added another bad habit. 

My parents are soon out on the road cause the state have taken their house and they cant get a apartment. All cause they where late on one payment. One fucking payment in 10 years. And thats enough for them to loose their home? They aint allowed to get a place with a rent higher then 5000 skr a month. There are literally no apartments for that low rent out there right now. They found a house outside of linköping that my dad fell inlove with, but its like 12000skr a month so they aint allowed to take that one. So in the end of next month my parents will most likely be living in a caravan on a friends garden. And my brother with his girlfriend and her parents. Cause thats totally a way to handle it. And cause of all this ive gotten to take the role as my moms shrink. Every time we meet its always something new she need to vent about. And i cant handle it. It makes me even more stressed about the situation then i already am. My life should be enough. I shouldnt have to handle hers aswell. But i cant say no to her. I cant open up to her about my problems cause shed break then. So ill just have to keep the mask up i guess and break down when i get home after every visit. 

Ive started working out abit aswell. I know ive lost some weight, i can even se it myself. Still i feel like i hate myself more and more for each day that comes. I feel like my life is never going to get better. I feel like im drowning. And i have no idea how long i can stay afloat.