#i don't want more body hair or bottom growth or any other changes - voice and face ONLY

[corvigae]

Extremely transphobic that I can't pick and choose exactly what traits I'd want from hormones like one of those Coca Cola mixing machines where you can make like sour grape Dr. Pepper or whatever the fuck

[uncanny-tranny]

hey, i’d like some advice if you have any. i’d REALLY like to go on T… i look at folks on T and i’m just… enamored with their bodies. i look at tbears and i want to live within them. i spend a LOT of time looking at bottom growth pics. i love a lot of things about my body, but… having a small clitoris… lacking chest & tummy hair… i look at people who’ve made the leap and it aches, not to look like them. that’s the only way to describe it: a deep, howling ache. i love my breasts and my curves and sometimes i really love being a girl and a dyke but i know that i need these changes. i really need them.

but i love my voice. only occasionally it seems abrasively high or nasal… but i really, really love my voice. at some point recently i started to sing again after a long, long time of shaming myself out of it, and i had forgotten that my voice is beautiful. and it’s me. i love my voice. i’m not averse to the idea of sounding deeper… but it’ll come at the cost of losing my upper range. i’ll NEVER be able to sound like that again. i’ll try to go high and it’ll feel like my voice is being replaced. i don’t know if i’ll really hate it when my voice changes… but i’m scared. i think i’ll probably like how i’ll sound, but what if it doesn’t feel like me? is there any way to prepare myself? what if there’s just no way for me to live with both a body and voice of my own?

this is a lot of heavy stuff. my best idea at the moment is to talk to a doctor about all this, hope they have some suggestions, and try to get compounded testosterone cream, since that can supposedly help prioritize bottom growth over other changes. but i’m really scared and lonely about this. i don’t know anyone else who grew up a girl and wants to be a girl on T… i only know two trans people. i know very few people in general. and i’m too scared to try and talk to anyone about all of these feelings. the way you talk about this stuff is always so full of love, in a way that makes love feel possible, so if there’s anything you can say to help guide me or validate me here, i would really appreciate it. this is really difficult for me to talk about.

I totally understand where you are coming from; the very nature of medical transition is based on possibilities and uncertainties.

I think the thing we tend to do is assume that these changes will happen almost instantly. However, the vocal changes are very gradual, at least in my experience.

I'll remind everyone that I am not a medical expert, and my thoughts come from personal experience and observation and listening to fellow people on testosterone.

I'll list some highlights of my experience to illustrate this and include a chart of my voice drop:

The first voice-related change was actually soreness when I spoke, but not really a true drop

I had many voice cracks, and they were sometimes painful

The changes started gradually from month one or two to around the year mark give or take

My initial dose: 0.25mg IM/weekly

My current: 0.35mg IM/weekly

If you choose a testosterone regimen, I would suggest considering micro dosing. That way, you have a bit more control over how gradual the changes are. The testosterone will still change your endocrine system, but it won't be as sudden as it would be with a "typical" dose. My testosterone reached a typical perisex man's at approximately month six with my dosage, and by then, I had many changes begin to mature (such as bottom growth, the beginning of new hair growth, and my voice beginning to mature with more finality).

I honestly don't know how I really prepared myself for the changes I wasn't too sure about... I mostly came at it with a sense of desperation, and so I get where you are coming from. I truly hope you can get a medical team which will give you some options that best fit you. If you have any other questions or want me to expand, I am happy to do so, because I do genuinely want to show support. You're going to find something that works, I think. I have so much hope and faith in you, and I wish you only the best on this journey.

[gncrevan]

i kind of completely missed my one year on (low dose) T anniversary, so here's a little list of what has + and hasn't - happened (some tmi but nothing crazy):

+ body hair, mainly arms and legs. i've always had a lot but it's longer, thicker, darker

- still waiting on that stomach hair. where's the happy trail i ordered

+ the second thing i noticed was bottom growth. took me a while but we're getting along now

- no voice change of any kind i am going to cry (pray for me that it happens on the higher dose, and soon)

+ sweat smells worse but

- i don't seem to sweat significantly more, which is a blessing bc i already have hyperhydrosis

+ some acne, especially some really mean cysts during summer. i never had a lot of pimples during puberty so this sucks, but i seem to have it under control now (neutrogena clear&defend moisturizer my beloved). what's interesting to me is that i used to exclusively get pimples on my t-zone and now it's mainly on my cheeks & temples

- luckily even at its worst, it's not been nearly as bad as i've seen on other people; the last thing i need is more inflammation in my body tbh (touch wood)

+ hair that has grown on my face: my lashes got longer, my eyebrows are coming back, the blond hair on my cheeks is longer, some single mustache hairs that are nothing to write home about

- honestly i don't want a full mustache or beard anyway, and i would have to hide it bc nobody in my house can know i'm trans, so it's better this way

+ i seem to have grown two centimeters, which feels odd to think about at age 31, but kinda fun

- i have not built any muscle; not that i can exercise, but i was still hoping to pick up some. rather i've lost strength due to illness

- my face shape hasn't changed, i was really hoping for some squaring of my jaw as that's one of my main dysphoria (and dysmorphia) triggers

- to everyone's surprise, i haven't suddenly started to love my body 🤡

i'm not super happy about the pace we're moving at, so i doubled my dose and already feel a bit better. i'm still really glad i started T, but it's hard not to compare my transition to others and see all the things that haven't happened and might never happen for me. i also really struggle with the reality that i might never get top surgery, and even if i could, i first have to take care of the partial colectomy and idek how that's supposed to happen, i really lack help in that department. surgery hangs over me as this big, heavy thing that seems so attainable for others and so impossible for me, given the body i inhabit. you can imagine it doesn't make our relationship better that i get to blame it for not only having grown wrong, but also keeping me from rectifying that mistake.

anyway—

i wish transition was very much exclusively this joyful thing that makes me feel complete, but i don't think that option was ever open for me. transitioning from an abomination into a person isn't as straightforward as switching between genders.

[sea-saur]

gender rant under the cut

ok here's the thing i've been on t for a little over a year now and i had top surgery back in september of '22 so like i'm cooking right im a little guy in an incubator and my voice has changed for sure and my bottom growth is growing and im getting more hair in places etc etc so like things are happening right. but i'm also 5'2" and have a big ole ass and while my voice has changed it isn't changed enough to pass and while yes i have more body hair plenty of cis girls have more body hair than me and like basically i'm getting on and off dysphoria for not passing. i don't even WANT to pass as a cis man, i just want to NOT be read immediately as a girl. you know? and frankly i'm happy with the body hair and bottom growth and it'd be nice if my fat redistribution kicked in a little more but i'm comfortable with my weight etc etc like....frankly i think it's mostly the voice. the voice and the face. like if my face looked more boyish and my voice sounded more boyish i think the rest of my body would coast cause i've seen enough chubby guys of various shapes to not really feel that self conscious about my body. it's the face and voice that sell it.

and the other thing is like....i have this thing where it's like 'i don't pass as a boy therefore i'm not one' when i don't put that requirement on any other queer person but for ME living it mentally? it's hard to put together the 'i walk around and am read as a girl, and i was raised as a girl, and hell i frankly WAS a girl up until my 20's like that's a part of who i am and im not ashamed of that, i love child me she is important to who i am as a person and frankly i'm grateful to be trans in that way, i think growing up a girl can make me a better guy" (and yeah there's a lot of privilege to be able to say i love being trans, i'm in a large city and work in an industry where queerness is accepted and often celebrated so like. i know. i'm really very very lucky and im extremely grateful for that) but mentally, it's hard for me to even see myself as a transmasc person when i don't SEE it physically, AND because my insides are still me. like i'm still me. and i didn't grow up as feeling like a boy in a girls body. i'm still some kind of nonbinary, still very queer in general, like being bi puts an interesting spin on this too since i have never been and don't associate my personal self with lesbian spaces, or gay men spaces, i sort of float in any queer generalities that people are into. but yeah, never really clicked with lesbian specific environments. i love lesbians but im just not one.

BUT i was raised a girl, so i feel COMFORTABLE around women, often times more than men. queer people in general of any gender are number 1, but ya know. the gist is coming off of a gig the last month that was very queer coded in the musical we were doing, and being surrounded by queer women making lesbian jokes, i felt...simultaneously left out (no one was leaving me out, to be clear, i mean within my own personal identity crisis lol) and also too included. i don't know. a lot of it is in my head, people are often good about my pronouns and frankly i don't KNOW how my usual colleagues see me as a person, if they have to work harder to reframe their interpretation of me away from "girl" and into "transmasc person" since i worked with a number of them before i started medically transitioning. thankfully i always read as a queer person haha. i have that going for me, which does feel very affirming.

idk. even my own apartment decor gives me dysphoria sometimes, which drives me crazy!! i like my apartment decor! I keep trying to do little things to "masc" it up, neutralize it a little, even tho i love all the things i've put in my home. i need new curtains.

there's nothing more to do about it right now i guess, besides try and take more active steps toward my legal name change, and potentially switching from t gel to injections, but that scares me because i'm afraid of doing it wrong and hurting myself. the gel is safer that way. and the dose is daily so i think it gives are more consistent level throughout the week. i also don't know exactly how much i want to pass as "just some guy" even tho this entire rant is literally about that. i think that my fear is that i look cis/straight, which frankly idk that i ever even would based on how i am as a person, so idk why i'm worried about it. basically, i want to stop feeling like i'm 'pretending' to be transmasc. cause sometimes it feels like it's all a lie and im actually just a girl who doesn't want to be a girl but is stuck as one. especially since i don't want to be a cis guy either. i also don't want to lose my ties to my past - i don't connect with womanhood, but i don't want to lose the "sisterhood" for lack of a better term? But also really want to be part of the queer "brotherhood" that i feel like i can't be based on where i am as a person? idk i feel a lot of the time that when im in my own home, im just a little goosey guy. the second i leave my apartment and im percieved, i'm a masculine woman to the world. and even tho masculine women are the fucking shit, im just not that!! and so. dysphoria.

[lavenderedhoney]

using t gel! started at a low dose, but moved up to the full ""masculinizing"" dose a few months ago. it's been really great! i don't bind and don't want top surgery, my goal is a deeper voice (started v high), and more body hair. my muscles are sturdier, which is really nice, and i used topical minoxidil to prevent male pattern hair loss. started in may of 2023! feel free 2 ask specific questions :3

Thank you so much!! My main goal is bottom growth, and it'd be nice to have a slightly lower voice and more muscle mass too, but I'm not looking for any other changes so I think I definitely want to try a low dose first. But I guess we'll see what happens once I start seeing results and how I feel about them!

[imstillhere-butallislost]

1 Year On Testosterone, Androgel Timeline Update

June 10th marks my 1 year on testosterone, and although this post is probably posted after that date, I thought i'd make a big 1 year update on my timeline on (low dose) androgel. Here you'll find my thoughts on using gel instead of shots, my current and future transition plans ,thoughts on still not passing one year on T, and my full timeline of changes. I imagine this will be a very long post, so buckle up. Feel free to ask or DM me any questions

My starting dose in June of 2022 was 1 pump of 1% androgel daily, which has 12.5mg of testosterone. In December of 2022 my dose was upped to 2 pumps of the same gel, so 25mg of testosterone applied daily. The gel has the same consistency as hand sinitizer and dries within 20 or so seconds when applied. The gel has risk of transferring to other people or harming pets, especially within that first hour of applying. If you go on gel, be careful about tranfering it to people who might not want extra testosterone in their system. That being said, one year on androgel, and I have had no issues with tranfering the gel to other people or harming my 2 cats and dog. I started off applying the gel to my left upper arm and shoulder, but occasionally switched to my right arm and shoulder, but recently have been applying the gel to my abdomen

Now onto the timeline part

The immediate and most impactful effect was the change testosterone had on my mood. I struggled with depression for all of my life, and suddenly that was just gone.
One year on T, and I am happy (as well as EXTREMELY surprised) to say that I don't have depression anymore. I have a lot more energy, I'm rarely sad these days, let alone depressed. This won't be the case for everone, but it was the case for me. 4 days on testosterone I was flexing as I passed mirrors, not proud of that

one. I also noticed that my general body temperature went up, I have bad circulation so my hands used to always be cold, and that has lessened. Also within the first

month, I noticed increased hair growth. Stomach hair, and also hair where I applied the gel on my arm. Just a little bit more, but noticable. My labido went up a lot, like it was insane. I was able to gain muscle mass easier. I started growing hair on my thighs, which I never had before. I also noticed a small amount of facial hair growth.

Not many more changes happened until my dose was upped in December, because I was started on a really, low dose and still am on a fairly low dose. after getting my dose upped to 2 pumps of gel, I did start actually noticing bottom growth, but looking back i'm sure I did have some amount of bottom growth before December, but it definitely got more noticable when the dose was upped. Around mid February, my voice had some drastic changes. The median of my voice used to be 190-200hz, and now it's 130-140hz. Technically in the "male range", but I still don't think my voice passes, maybe it's androgynous. The voice drop was rather sudden, although not extremely drastic. I had to sort of learn how to speak properly again without my voice cracking, not being used to the new range. Before my voice even got lower, I knew it was going to drop soon because I noticed it just couldnt go higher like it used too. My voice drop started with losing the higher range rather then going lower. I've noticed that my body fat has I think begun to redistribute, I hold a lot of fat in my stomach rather then hips. I never dealt with much acne on my face, but my back around the left shoulder where I first applied my testosterone has a lot of acne. Hair growth has continued, which honestly has been one of my favourite things. I never thought i'd have such a strong attachment to stomach hair. I still have my period, which absolutely sucks.

Thoughts On Not Passing One Year On T

I'm still not where I want to be one year on T, and that is a little bit hard on me. I'm not saying I regret it, because testosterone is the best thing that has ever happened for me, but it's a special kind of hurt seeing other people with the same timeline that i'm on that pass while I still don't. which is exactly why I think I wanted to add this part in here. I still don't pass as male, while being one year on T. I think maybe starting T made me feel more present in my body, which is good, but also led me to have to really face all of the dysphoria and issues I have with myself. I used to be able to ignore it by dissociating, without even realizing that that's what I was doing. Being misgendered has just begun to hurt more, because now it feels like a failure on my part (or my bodys part) because I can get angry, asking myself why after a year on tesosterone I still am not passing. It leaves me afraid, I think. Maybe I always testosterone was THE thing I needed and then i'd pass consistently after just a couple of months, but that just didn't happen for me. I assumed that it would just be easy. I think that has to do a lot with the culture when I came out. People didn't share timelines if they were unhappy or non passing, or if they did they were laughed off the internet. This is because I started questioning my gender around 2016, and came out in early 2018, where "SJW TRANS CRINGE COMPILATION" was like... the norm on YouTube.

People shared a lot less of their struggles in fear of being lumped into that and being harassed, or they just felt like maybe during those times the passing trans people should take the stage because it was easier for cis people to digest and understand. I don't blame anyone for not sharing the hard parts of their medical transition, because this is very personal stuff and people will question you if you say youre not 1000% happy to be where you are, but i'm glad that I see more people talking about not being satisfied with how their transition is going, and how they still don't pass X amount of time into being on testosterone. It's nice to see posts and videos and timeline updates like that. These things take different amount of times for different people, and that's alright.

It's hard, but I'm alright with it. The fact that I am where I am at all is something i never thought i'd get to at all. I'm proud to be where I am, when I think about it.

Testosterone has helped me greatly. I'm a happy person now, happiest i've ever been, and I see a future for myself now. A very happy one. Without even passing, testosterone has helped me so much. Just internally. I don't know how much of my happiness comes from just having consistent hormone levels everyday, or if my depression was just all a manifestation of background dysphoria that is being directly treated by hormone therapy now.

On Gel Vs. Shots and Dosage

I'm not really sure what made me decide to take gel rather than the shots, but I was adment on gel. I don't know how I feel about that decision in the long run.

For cons about the gel, it's expensive.

Around $200CAD every 2 months. It's really hard without insurance. I don't think my changes have been slow because of gel,

just because of my low dose. It's hard to contact my endo, and they even sent bloodwork paper to the wrong location, so generally it's been a bit hard to get my dose upped. I also started T as a minor (17) so that is specifically why I was kept on a low dose to start with. I'm assuming that now that i'm an adult, it will be easier to get my dosage upped. Being on the gel I also kind of feel, not left out, but not really a part of the classic transmasc doing their T shot experience, which I did always assume i'd do when I was 12-13 and I first came out because I didn't know gel was an option. These days, there's more talk of gel and patches, which I think is definitely good for people exploring their testosterone options.

For pros of gel, consistant hormone levels daily is very very good for me I find. There's no big spikes and low lows like there would be with weekly or biweekly shots, it's just daily consistent levels. I can feel kind of bad if I miss a day of gel, which i'm unsure if that is caused by me mentally knowing that I don't have testosterone for that day. or if that's actually just due to not having the regular hormones that I get daily. This is one of the reasons Why i'm unsure about switching to shots despite the expense of the gel. I don't think I would do good at all with such major fluctuations to my hormone levels, and it's not something I really want to play around with in fear of my mental health declining again with big hormone fluctuations like that. I also like the little daily routine of putting on gel everyday, it fits into my routine well and I feel i'm more likely to remember a daily routine rather then weekly or biweekly

I think often about maybe switching to shots, but I just don't know if the increased risk to my mental health with big hormone fluctiations is at all worth it.

I'm hoping to ask my endo about 1.62% gel and if its available in my area, because it has a higher concentration of testosterone and one pump would nearly be my current dose of 2 pumps of 1% gel, so id need to refill it the same amount of time for a bigger dose, instead of doing 3 pumps of the 1% gel, which I would need to refill more frequently which would cost more money more often.

Uncertainty of Medical Transition

This may be a shock considering i've been talking about how much medical transition has helped me, but I want sure if I even wanted to go on testosterone at all at one point. I've been out for from ages 12-18, and flip flopped on what I wanted many times. I knew I wanted to be on testosterone when I first came out, but that waned with time. I think after being out for so long without medical internevntion, the idea seemed so far away, I sort of let myself believe that it would never be able to happen. I let myself believe that maybe I didn't want to medically transition, becuase it was easier then addressing the fact that it would take a lot of time and it would be a hard process that I didnt know how to start it. It was a hard, confusing process to get hRT as a minor. There want just a quick guide for my area that I could find, if there was one at all it was in the depths of a website that hadnt been updated in a decade and was hard to traverse. I was at the appointment to get my perscription, uncertain about it. I took the step anyway, holding on to that sliver of hope that maybe I could actually have that life I dreamed of as a child

It turns out that going on testosterone was the best decision i've ever made. I'm glad, and i'm very lucky, that I stepped into the unknown.

The Future of My Transition

I'm largely happy, hoping that my testosterone dose gets upped again soon. I'm hoping to actually start passing with an upped dose, too.

I'm in the process for top surgery, which is another thing I thought could NEVER happen to me. So far out of reach, for more fortunate people, but this month i'm going to be sending all my forms in to see if my top surgery can get covered. I could have top surgery within the year. I have never been more happy in my entire life.

I think that's really all, My life is going good. I'm generally happy with my medical transition, despite not being exactly at the point where I want to be, but every single day gets a little bit easier for me. Feel free to look back on some of my other update posts, which i'm sure go more in depth, and of course ask me any questions. I'm happy to share, I know timelines on gel are a little bit harder to find.

If anybody is reading this who is considering testosterone, debating gel, or early on testosterone and trying to map out what their future will look like, I want to say hi hi hi hello. You'll be alright. You'll figure it out. You can not medically transition ever. or do it later in your life, or go on testosterone and then go off if you decide it isn't right for you. I genuinely believe that everything will all work out. Take your time, enjoy your life, there is community out there for you.

[celepeace]

Just ruminations on personal gender identity and my feelings of alienation in the greater transgender community

I do see purposefully inclusive posts sometimes which have a very nice sentiment but as a genderqueer transmasc I genuinely feel like the odd one out in basically every trans community I've ever been a part of. As of right now I'm not planning on and I don't really feel the need to go through with medical transitioning of any kind.

I like having tits, and the prospect of losing chest sensation is enough to scare me away from top surgery even if it would help me get gendered correctly more frequently, and binding sounds like more trouble than it's worth. I don't like having body hair, it's physically uncomfortable on a sensory level and I don't personally find it visually appealing; if I could make it so that no terminal hairs grew from my head down, I would. If permanent hair removal wasn't such a pain in the ass I'd probably get it done. Bottom growth has no appeal to me and sounds actively bothersome. I prefer the look of my current fat distribution, with shapely curves I quite appreciate, over what I would likely get on t. The only bottom surgery I would be interested in would involve getting, well, both parts, not out of any dysphoric reason, but just because I think that would be awfully fun. The only aspects of hrt that appeal to me are voice changes and facial hair.

Part of why I feel alienated is because I've seen some vitriol from other transmasc folks about people who want some aspects of testosterone but not others. I'm not entirely sure why some people feel ire for those who wish they could pick and choose the effects they get; I have some ideas, but that would be a whole other post. I just want my body to look how I feel on the inside, and I'm not lucky enough that that lines up with all the effects testosterone gives. I wish I could just get the aspects of t I do want.

My body by itself does not give me dysphoria, it's only how others perceive me that does. Unfortunately how bodies look and how others perceive gender go hand-in-hand, so if I wanted to be gendered correctly, I'd have to alter my body in ways I don't want.

I've known I wasn't a girl since I was aware of gender as a child and I really relate to nearly every account of transmascs experiencing dysphoria during childhood. I know that I identify with manhood and that I don't identify with womanhood on basically any level. I've adamantly refused "girly" things since I was a toddler and I would get angry when people said I wasn't a boy. I definitely did the whole "purposefully joining in when the gym teacher called on the boys to put away heavy equipment" thing. I have vivid memories of completely shutting down and sobbing whenever I was forced into wearing skirts. Dresses still make me want to claw my skin off. I only like nail polish and makeup now that I'm able to kind of approach them from the other side, and I feel a lot of kinship with femme gay men. I know who I am and how I feel.

And I of course think everyone should do whatever makes them feel most comfortable in their own skin, but it does get tiring to see approximately zero other trans men who are like me. I feel like I'm an outsider even within trans communities. I've met very few nonbinary people and all of them wanted to medically transition in some regard. The nonbinary community is basically a conglomerate of completely unrelated identities in a trenchcoat anyway, it's not easy to find others with like experiences save for "the gender binary is restrictive." I use they/them pronouns but that's partly because it's what I'm used to and it doesn't cause me any distress, and partly because I don't feel like I'm even the same species as other binary trans men. If my gender identity were in a vacuum and based purely on how I felt inside, I would enthusiastically identify myself as purely male, but within the context of knowing other trans men and my inability to relate to them on many fronts, I feel like there must be some part of me that's just different from them somehow, so I must be something else too. There's a reason I don't really use the nonbinary label for myself but I do use the genderqueer label.

I feel like a black sheep even within the trans community, and it doesn't help me feel more welcome in other communities I theoretically belong to, like the gay male community (which has its own struggles with transphobia, so consequently I feel even less welcome there as someone who by all appearances just looks like a weird lesbian and has no intention to get bottom surgery). I dont feel like I would really belong at an event like pride, and I don't know if I'd be accepted if others knew I have no intention to transition but am still adamant that I'm a gay man. The only communities I've ever felt like I really belonged in are the greater queer community, in all its inclusivity, and the intersex community, who have done a fantastic job at being welcoming to anyone who deviates even a little from the societally expected categories of biological sex. It doesn't help that along with seeing nobody else like me, I see acknowledgement of people like me very rarely. As mentioned before, I see nods to non-op and nondysphoric trans people occasionally, but pretty much only in sweeping posts meant to include as many infrequently-acknowledged groups as possible. It's nice, but it still feels ostracizing for that to be the only time anyone talks about people like me existing. Perhaps it's not representative and I'm just not in the places where I would see more discussion about gender-nonconforming trans men, I don't know.

I just want to exist and to be taken at face value when I tell people what I am, but people always treat my identity like a surprise, even if they're respectful. I just wish more people like me existed and were more visible. I feel like I'm kind of rawdogging the gender thing and there's no one else out there who can relate to my experiences. Not to mention the knowledge that some trans people would call me a faker and some gay men would treat me as a predator does wear on me, even while knowing that they're not representative of those communities.

[genderqueerdykes]

Hello! First off - love your blog, and thank you for taking the time to answer so many asks so thoughtfully- that’s a lot of mental and emotional labor and although this is the first time I’ve sent you an ask, I really appreciate your thoughtful responses from other asks, it’s given me the courage to send you this.

I am non-binary/transmasc, and I have a lot of dysphoria around my period/menstruating. I get horrible mood swings for about a week before, then 1-2 days of intense pain and cramping where I’m pretty much immobilized by pain. If it was financially possible, I would just take all that plumbing out. I am 35 and honestly it feels like my period has just gotten progressively worse over the years.

I have toyed with the idea of hormones off and on, but the impression I got from reading about other people’s experiences is that you don’t really know what you’re gonna get out of hormones until you try them, and some things are not so easy to undo. Like, in a perfect world I’d love a deeper voice and a bit of masculinization in my face and mainly to not get periods anymore, but there are some effects of T that I would not enjoy (like facial hair, it would be a huge sensory problem for me). And I don’t identify as a man so pushing me too far in that direction would just be a different kind of dysphoria.

Do you have any suggestions or thoughts on any ways to reduce my period dysphoria, or anecdotes on what small doses of T might do for me? Just feeling pretty frustrated and like there’s not really any good answer here since I don’t want all the effects of T.

im glad you're taking the time to consider that's very good!

sorry to hear you have so much dysphoria regarding menstruation, i understand, it's a very shitty thing to go thru and many people who aren't trans hate it or experience dysphoria around that time as well. i believe there are some types of birth control like IUDs and whatnot that can reduce how much you menstruate. i would advise talking to an obgyn/gynecologist if you are interested in seeing if there are ways to reduce how much you menstruate or if there are ways to make it more bearable for you. there is also the possibility of a hysterectomy (removal of the uterus) as well, if that's something you're considering. that may be a better option that T for you.

i think it's good that you're aware of your boundaries as a trans person. no trans person is under any obligation to take HRT unless taking HRT is specifically what will ease their dysphoria. the thing with T is most people will get the same types of general effects in varying degrees so if you do not want changes to your facial structure like your brow ridge, cheek bones and jaw, body fat distribution, muscle mass density, body/facial hair, bottom growth, and so on, then T really isn't right for you.

i would say for you it would probably be best to look into voice training for transmascs, and definitely talk to a gynecologist about your situation regarding your monthly. you don't have to be a trans guy to get a hysterectomy, if you truly do want to get that removed! i hope you're able to get things sorted out, best of luck to you, take care, stay safe

[throughalleternity]

Hi, Im the anon who asked about you using T. I just want to know which emotional and physical changes you went through and when they started. Also, I read often that going on T prevented people from crying as easily as before, one even said that he hasnt cried in 2 years(!), which honestly for me, who is quite an easy crier, and who doesnt believe that men who cry/show emotion are not masculine enough/unamanly, its quite horrifying to hear. So what is your experience with showing emotions/crying before and after T? And how has your partner shown their support? Or have you met them after being an extended amount of time on T?

Physical changes have been pretty much what one would expect I think: lower voice, more and thicker facial/body hair (maybe less than expected?), different body odor, rougher/oilier skin, fat redistribution, more vascularity, bottom growth, more muscle, male hairline, have just starting to treat male pattern hair loss... I'm probably missing some but those are what come to mind. I didn't track them as they happened, unfortunately, but I think they generally happened over the first year/couple years. I know that body fat redistribution wasn't something I noticed until at least a year in, and it probably continued to happen for a while. I lost fat off my face faster though, I think. Voice drop happened slowly over several months.

Emotional changes are harder to isolate since I was already dealing with a lot of stuff when I started T and that might have overshadowed any emotional changes. T and the changes made me less depressed, so I just generally felt better? I don't really remember anything else sticking out - I certainly didn't feel angrier or less emotional.

I can cry pretty easily, and I've cried easier since starting T! But again, kinda hard to isolate from everything else that has happened. The other thing is like. Time and getting older has played a role; I've learned more about my emotions and experienced things that cause new/stronger emotions, and that also makes it easier for me to be emotional. So it's definitely not just T - and even if you were to feel weaker emotions on T, I don't think that's how it always has to be. There are ways to get more in touch with your own emotions and things that will happen in your life that can do the same.

And lol I am single! And yeah, previous partners haven't really needed to be involved, so I don't have personal experience with that.

[gen-x-genderqueer]

I have a pre-intake call with someone at the gender clinic tomorrow, they have care coordinators, so I guess this is about that. Anyway, I'm making a list of concerns. This is long and pretty personal, so it's going to go under a cut....

The Major Problems

My PMDD is bad. This is the biggest reason why my therapist is pushing me to at least talk to someone about hormones. I had a history of being seriously suicidal (as in actual attempts) when I was a teenager and then things settled down for a while. Now that I'm actually going through perimenopause though, it's gotten really unstable. The level of PMDD I'm having right now is close to that bad; although I have better coping tactics so I'm not actually suicidal.

My cycles are often 18-21 days long, sometimes as short as 16 or 17. Even with two LONG cycles (over 36 days), I still had 15 cycles in 2022. That means 15 rounds of severe PMDD.

I am experiencing "vaginal dryness" (more specifically vulval dryness) that periodically makes me feel like I'm about to come down with a UTI. Ick.

Hot flashes.

Based on the PMDD alone, I think it would probably be a good idea to shut down my cycles (at the ovarian level, so not uterine ablation). Probably this means some sort of oral contraception, progesterone minipill or testosterone. But the last two symptoms are usually treated with estrogen so... I don't really know this is where I need a doctor who has more knowledge & expertise.

The Big T

Part of why I'm specifically looking at going to a gender clinic for treatment is that I want to be able to talk to them about T. I had always said "Oh, if I had known that I could be nonbinary and take T when I was 25 I would have totally done that." But I'm also really resistant to medicalization, and without any other motivators, I really would rather just not see a doctor. At all. (OK, maybe if I have pneumonia or a UTI.) This was a major reason why I put off having breast reduction surgery for many years, I just didn't want to have medical care if I didn't absolutely have to.

Anyway... back to the question at hand... If I need to see someone for perimenopause reasons, then I want it to be someone I can talk to about low dose testosterone without them running away screaming. Apparently, using small amounts of T in menopausal cisgender women is useful, but controversial because everyone is so worried about "masculinization." Like... No. I'm really not worried about that. But I don't want to have to sit in a sterile little medical room and have to educate my provider.

So, here's how I feel about possible effects of T...

Menstrual cessation: Uh... see above! This would be a good thing.

Voice changes: YES PLEASE! This would be my number 1 positive!

Bottom growth: I would be into this, but it wouldn't be a major goal.

Facial/body hair: This one I'm kinda on the fence about. I mostly do not want facial hair for the sole reason that I pull it out with my fingernails. It's not a healthy fidget. 😬 Hair other places, I'm cool with it, I don't really care that much. Right now, I choose to shave my armpits, but literally only because I feel like antiperspirant works better if I do and I don't like damp pits.

Hair loss: Oh HELL NO! And this is a huge one because I'm old enough that if I was a cisgender guy, I would be having hair loss right now. Big no on having that happen.

Body changes: Look, I work out. I lift heavy. I already have a good deal of muscle and I'd be stoked to increase that. (If you didn't know I was a GenX gymrat before, the word "stoked" would be a major clue.) Changes in bodyfat distribution are more ho-hum. I'm not dysphoric about my butt or anything, but I'd be OK with subtle changes.

Facial structure/jawline changes: I'm alright with this. I might be more enthusiastic if I understood what it will look like on me.

Vaginal dryness/atrophy: Uh... I'm already on the road to this and it's one of the reasons I'm seeking perimenopause care. So this is going to need to get dealt with one way or another.

[mygenderisblurry]

I found old documents (well really I went looking for them) that I wrote pre-transition called "reasons why I'm not trans" and "reasons why I might be trans". I was really determined for a while to convince myself I wasn't trans or refuse to believe it anyway. Funny that now it's sort of the opposite.

A significant portion of the "reasons why I might be trans" list, not all of it but a lot of it, are feelings around my body/the way it's perceived and feelings around womanhood and femininity that, after reading about detransitioners, I think maybe a lot of cis women also experience at some point in their lives? Especially as teens/young adults. I'm not totally sure how old the documents are but I remember a lot of these things starting in middle or high school. Things like "I cringe at my voice sometimes because it’s too high-pitched/”too girly”" and "I have this worry that my mannerisms are “too girly” because I don’t want to be perceived that way" and "Most times when I wear feminine makeup I think I look like a clown, over-exaggerated and fake, and I want to take it off" and "I find all the natural functions of a vagina to be annoying at best. Like discharge is annoying and I hate how wet I get when aroused and I hate having to clean it up and I hate having to deal with my period" and "Sometimes I just wish I had no vagina, no genitalia at all, and was just a Ken doll down there, if it weren’t for the fact that I couldn’t have sex then other than bottoming for anal which is pointless without a prostate." I don't know that those are abnormal female experiences, or that they're indicative of gender dysphoria by themselves. Other things on the list are definitely dysphoria, especially chest dysphoria, but a whole bunch are like this. Although now that I think about it, maybe that's also body dysmorphia from having very large breasts.

And then there's the "reasons I'm not trans" list and a lot of that is me listing off a bunch of effects of testosterone and saying I don't want that. Oily skin and acne, hair loss and receding hairline, chest hair, facial hair, clitoral growth. And some of that has changed since being on T. I'm very happy with my clitoral growth and I'm generally okay with my chest hair and ambivalent towards my facial hair. But it's still, well, concerning that I didn't take more of these concerns into account and I made an anxiety-fueled snap decision to start testosterone, and apparently did a good enough job convincing a doctor that I was 100% sure about it that they prescribed it.

Then there's the other significant portion of the "reasons I'm not trans" list that's just. Sexual. Apparently things like "I want to look like a woman in order to attract the men I’m attracted to" and "I like looking like a sexy/hot woman with boobs and woman’s clothes because I want to view myself as sexy/hot but can only do so as a woman" and "In all my sexual fantasies I’m female" were convincing reasons to me at the time that I was cis or might be cis. I genuinely have no idea what to make of that. I don't even know how that makes any sense.

I'll probably write more about these lists later but this is the big stuff I noticed.

[transitional-diaries]

My First Year on Testosterone

I've been on Testosterone for a year, and I want to try to do a write up of all my experiences with it so far.

These are just things I've noticed so far - there's probably a lot of smaller changes I haven't noticed yet.

Month 0-6 First off, I was on half a sachet of Androgel (25mg) for the first six months, as I'm nonbinary and anxious and wanted to go into the process slowly. The first six months nothing big really happened, and I've also heard people say gel works slower than injections do.

My acne on my face got a bit worse, but I've always had terrible hormonal acne, so this was both expected and not that big of a change

My skin and hair got very oily, but it wasn't consistently oily all the time - just like once every one or two weeks for a few days I'd notice my skin being more oily than normal.

The first two months my PMDD got easier to manage, but then it went back to being as bad as it had been before.

I started masturbating usually twice a day instead of once a day, but I'm not sure if that was because of horniness or just because masturbating helps my anxiety and falling asleep.

My upper-lip hair started growing in faster and thicker, though not any longer. I always had upper-lip hair though so it didn't feel like a huge change.

Month 6-9 6 months in I moved to taking a full sachet of Androgel (50mg) every day for 3 months. When I did this I planned from the get-go to go onto injections, as the injections are waaay cheaper than the Androgel (like, a quarter of the price), but stayed on gel for a bit longer because I was going on holiday and didn't want to have to worry about injections while away.

This was when I noticed my first long chest hair and little chin hairs

My voice started changing around this point

Month 9-12 For the last 3 months I've been on injections (0.25ml). I prepare the syringe but get my dad to give me the actual shot because I haven't been able to get myself to do it yet.

Voice has been steadily getting deeper, though it still breaks pretty frequently (and I haven't gotten fully used to talking at a lower register all the time)

I've gotten a lot more chest hairs as well as more hair in various other places on my body too, though nothing as obvious as the chest hairs.

The acne around my jaw has gotten worse, and I've noticed some acne on my shoulders, though not a lot. The skin on my shoulders feel like a different texture than previously (more rough and dry)

My period for the first two months on injections were ROUGH - they were both late and I got worse PMDD and headaches before they started, but the most recent period started a week early with no signs of it coming other than a headache the day before.

MUCH hornier. All the stuff I write lately is so fucking horny.

Noticed I had some bottom growth - my clit is bigger than it was before I started on T, though I had to double check some photos to see because it's not a huge difference.

I've also been slightly more anxious this month, and have gotten more throat-related colds over the last 6 months than I used to (like, I've gotten sick with very similar symptoms 4 times since September) but I don't think that's related to T?

[forthehpfanboys]

A Shared Bed

Pair: Ronald Weasley x Reader; he/him.

Summary: You and Ron have always shared beds, it was normal.

Warnings: SMUT (MDI), hand job, dirty talk, grinding. DM me if I missed any.

Notes: I stared this at like 5am today. I wanted to write something that came from me for once because the last time I wrote based off my own idea was the very first story I posted. It was actually really fun.

~DO NOT REPOST ANYWHERE~

-

It wasn't unusual for you and Ron to share his bedroom when you came over to the Burrow in the summer. In fact it wasn't unusual for you to share the same bed, either. Molly always deemed it perfectly fine, considering you were both boys and all that jazz. She did enjoy hearing you two whispering stories back and forth, your giggles ringing down the creaky staircase as others tried to catch more than a few winks.

Of course, as you two hit your growth spurts, she expected you guys to complain about the lack of space, but it never came. It was clear you two were more than content with the small space and were fine spooning through the night. In fact, that's where you were right now, tucked peacefully under his quidditch quilt, back pressed to his chest. His strong arm was locked across your side allowing him to draw little shapes along your stomach underneath your night shirt.

"Can't sleep?" You turned your head a little. He left his window open letting in not only the breeze from the night, but the moonlight as well. The shimmering light only enhanced his features and caused his eyes to practically glow in the dark. The crystal like blue stole your breath every time you saw them. Suddenly you were questioning if he could feel your heart racing or the sweat building on your palms.

"No. Not tired." His hand paused before lazily drawing a Crescent moon above your belly button. "What about you?" Now it was moving south, slowly inching toward the strings of your sweat pants. You swallowed when his forefinger and thumb grabbed a braided thread and twirled it.

"Brain is too loud." It wasn't a lie. You kept thinking about him. Everything in his room smelled like him and it was making your hormones act up in a way that you couldn't resolve with him laying so close. Tangerine and strawberry was such an interesting shampoo choice for a teenager like him but damn was it quickly becoming your favorite smell. You turned your head to face his pillow and tried to take a subtle sniff -maybe it would ease the thoughts rampaging your skull.

"Wanna talk about it?" Ron's scooted closer to you, his legs bending into the back of yours, his hips pressed flush against your butt. He somehow got closer, his chin coming to rest on your shoulder. His voice was such a soft, deep whisper it made you shudder against him.

When you shook your head no and shifted your body against the mattress, one leg crossing over the other, he took in a sharp breath. Your rear grinded back against his pelvis.

"'m Sorry." You mumbled, trying to will a yawn from your lips. You were giving anything to either melt through the mattress or pass out from embarrassment. Abruptly it was far too hot under the quilt.

"No, it's ok." He whispered, this time into the crook of your neck. You watched him from the corner of your eye, his staring right into yours. You were sure he could see the blush in the moonlight. He gave his hips an experimental roll and the action had your cock hardening. You could feel his own hard-on pressed against the curve of your ass and your mouth absolutely watering for it. "Is this," he trusted again, "ok or do you want me to stop?"

There was a pause of silence where neither of you moved, even his fingers twirling the string of your sweatpants stopped. If you said it was OK, you knew the relationship between you and Ron would be thrown through a loop. It would change faster than the tide and if it crashed, you could never repair it.

But to you, right now, it was well worth the risk.

"Please keep going." Your voice was soft and you would've questioned if he heard it, but when he grabbed your inner thigh and hooked your leg over his hip, you knew he heard it. He placed a kiss right behind your ear while his hand moved back to the elastic of your sweats, this time diving under the fabric.

"You're positive?" his finger trailed across your pelvis, the touch light enough to tickle. Instead of answering, you bent your arm around the back of his head and grabbed onto his hair, moving your hips forward for some kind of touch.

He let out a groan against the shell of your ear, his teeth biting the sensitive flesh before his hand finally wrapped around your half hard cock. He moved slowly, trying to build you up to full mast. Ron was far more worried about your pleasure than his.

You let out a hiss, your thighs shaking already. His palm rubbed across the leaking tip of your throbbing cock to try to lube it before pumping it. When it still wasn't enough, the ginger spat into his hand, causing your eyes to roll back at the minor action.

A huff of air escaped you when his thumb brushed across the sensitive skin of the head of your prick before dragging it back down to the base. He slipped his arm out from under the pillow to raise himself up- he wanted to see your cock hard and leaking. Letting go of you, he dragged your pj pants down to the middle of your thighs before spitting in his hand again and moving it along your prick again.

He shushed you after a soft moan of his name left your lips. He planted a few kisses in your hair before his hips picked up the motion before. He let out a shaky breath, his voice still close to your ear.

"Don't wanna wake the others, do you?" Ron's bright blue eyes watched as your eyes fell closed and your teeth dug painfully into your bottom lip. His hand moved faster while yours gave his hair an encouraging tug. "I bet you'd love that though.” He was interrupted by his own breathy giggle. “Such a naughty thing you are."

"Merlin-" You whined, hips stuttering between moving forward into his hand and pushing back against his cock. You let out another moan when his hand tightened down and gave a particularly slow tug upward.

"Not my name, darling. Want to try again?"

If anyone had told you Ronald B. Weasley was a dirty talker and a charmer, you'd laughed at them, but damn were you grateful. Your toes curled in pure pleasure. Your heart was pounding in your chest and you were sure he could feel the beat. You moaned his name, letting your head fall back against his chest. He was grinning and you could hear it in his hushed voice.

“Do that again.” He demanded, his hips rolling harder against yours. You had no idea how close he was to finishing, but you were trembling, getting closer and closer to the cliff of completion. One of your sweaty hands clawed at his wrist while the other tangled in his crisp white sheets.

“Fuck, Ronnie, I’m close.” You gasped out again. You’re back arched away from him. He did nothing to stop you from tumbling off the edge- in fact, he encouraged it by whispering praises in your ear and rubbing his thumb along your most sensitive spots. He didn’t try to muffle your moan at all either. He just smiled his classic Weasley side smirk.

Ron let out a soft laugh and dragged his hand across your stomach, wiping your spunk off on your skin. He ignored your gasp of disgust and kissed your temple again. “You are so special.” Ron said as he wrapped his arms around your stomach and hugged him closer. While your breathing slowed down, his boner pressing into your skin was so obvious as he cuddled closer to you.

“You didn’t finish.” You turned to look at him. He shrugged. You put a hand against his shoulder and shoved him downward, forcing him flat against the bed on his back. You turned over, climbing between his legs. “Well, we can’t have that, can we?” You whispered to him, sliding down his boxers.

-

~Taglist~

@catboyazula

[transmascore]

(cat guy here) thanks!! so like i said i'm starting T soon, but i already know i don't want to be on it forever. it's gonna suck to lose some of the changes but i can live with it, as long as my voice drops and stays that way. same for my face/body weight distribution. i just don't feel comfortable with the idea of having to rely on something medical for that long, you know? it scares me. anyway. my question is: what can i expect once i go off T for good? thank you and have a nice day!!

Yeah, that's understandable. In my case, I decided to stop T for a variety of reasons. Mostly, I felt that, after being on it for 4 years, I had already gotten everything I wanted out of HRT and that it would be unnecessary to keep injecting it. The only reason I was still using it was to stop my period, but I reasoned that it made more sense to either tolerate it or to look into birth control to regulate it, rather than relying on testosterone. Especially because I still have functioning ovaries that produce estrogen, so I don’t need synthetic hormones to be healthy.

Information about the changes I noticed are below. Some of the info is a bit TMI but i’d rather be thorough than leave out potentially helpful info. Also! I highly encourage anyone else who has stopped T to add their input. Whether they experienced the same things I did, or if they experienced something else entirely.

(TW: genital mention, menstruation mention, brief misgendering mention)

4 years on T, 2 years off of T (so far).

things that changed:

my facial hair grows back a little slower after I shave

rounding of the face and body (i.e. reversal of weight distribution)

clearer skin (i've had a lot less acne)

i cry more often

my period returned

decrease in libido

reversal of vaginal atrophy/dryness

loss of muscle definition. the most obvious example being that it became more difficult to open jars

my cholesterol and blood pressure went down - they were somewhat high previously

bit of a weird one, but I’ve never seen another person talk about this. ever. for the first few months after stopping T, I had erectile dysfunction. (i haven’t had any kind of bottom surgery; i’m talking about bottom growth from T.) I didn’t even know that could happen to transmascs - but tdicks are essentially penises, so that makes sense. the problem went away on its own as my hormones rebalanced themselves, but that was still a scary period of time. especially because I couldn’t find any information about it. i’ve known other transmascs who stopped T without experiencing that issue, so it may be a rare side effect.

while i’m talking about bottom growth, I did lose a tiny amount of length, but nothing too noticable. there’s still a tdick there and it functions more-or-less the way it did before. it is also more sensitive now.

things that stayed the same:

my voice

my ability to grow facial hair and body hair

my adams apple

my chest (i’m just as flat as I was after I had top surgery)

my gender identity

my orientation

my ability to “pass” (strangers assume i’m a man most of the time, although I do get misgendered occasionally.)

tl;dr:

the most notable differences I noticed, when stopping T, were weight distribution and some genital/reproductive-related changes. everything else is pretty much the same. i still have a deep voice, i still get pretty hairy if I forget to shave, and I’m still read as a guy for the most part.

all of that being said, everyone’s bodies are different. you might not experience these exact changes, and it’s good to ask around to get a variety of answers. stopping T was the right decision for me, but it may not be the right decision for others. also? if you stop T at some point and you find you aren’t doing well, you can always go back on it. find what works best for you personally. 

edit: i was asked to elaborate on erectile dysfunction.

i can understand why it might be confusing, since tdicks are anchored to the body by tendons (unless released by surgery) and don't become horizontally erect in the same way as a cis man's penis - so arousal (and lack-there-of) isn’t as visually clear.

(CW: illustration of genitalia) this art guide, drawn by twitter user sweatbots, showcases the visual differences between a flaccid (soft) and an erect (hard) tdick.

when I describe erectile dysfunction, I mean that my tdick stayed entirely soft, even when i was otherwise aroused. the actual texture was different - it felt squishy, "empty" - for lack of a better word. which makes sense - erectile dysfunction happens in cis men because there is inadequate blood flow to the penis during arousal. there was less blood flow to my tdick, so it wasn’t firming up the way it should have been. stimulation was uncomfortable, and did nothing to increase bloodflow to the area.

thankfully, the problem went away on its own after about 3 months. i’ve yet to hear of this happening to another transmasc, but i know that erectile dysfunction can occur in transfems after taking estrogen. i’m assuming that the same principle applies.

[nothorses]

Hey odd question piggy backing off of anon asking about how to know they’re trans earlier... I do know I am trans but I'm unsure how far I should transition. When I think of gender I think of my ideal "how I want to look" but it's unrealistic considering what I really look like and my body makeup, this puts me off from transitioning because "if I'm never truly going to look like me then what's the point?" but then I go back and I start thinking "the point is to look more like me at least, right?" but I get so caught up in how far is enough for me personally... I struggle to determine if I want T or top surgery because those are permanent and there's no way to just "try them", I also can't tell because of my proportions if I would be content with just top surgery and voice lessons or if I want T.. My own internal conflicts about what I want make me so scared to do anything... I've tried watching videos of people in the same experience talk about what they did and a lot of them say they just got fed up and tried it, and sometimes it works for people and sometimes it doesn't. I like being 100% sure on everything but I don't know how to be 100% sure or even more sure on this... I also don't see anyone talk about this ever, I'm sure I'm not alone but there's just never space for a conversation and I struggle to find resources for this sort of thing so I come away feeling more lost and confused than before... Thank you for taking time to read this!

That's really valid, and it's normal & common for folks to struggle with these decisions- especially considering how permanent they can be.

I personally really struggled with the decision to go on T at first, because while aspects of it are very reversible, voice changes, bottom growth, and any hair changes are not. Eventually I realized that I really wanted... pretty much all of those changes! And whatever I was uncertain about, the things I'd gain that I was certain about were worth it to me. When I finally went on it, I found myself pretty excited for every change, tbh.

Ultimately, it's hard to know anything for sure, and there's no 100% certainty in anything. I personally feel like transition is easier to think about as individual changes, rather than one big plan you need to have all at once. What you want and need may change over time, and whether you want some things might change depending on how you feel about other changes.

The goal is just to move forward, and to take each step carefully, and intentionally, in the direction of your own happiness. You can't know what you'll end up looking like, so you can't plan out each of those steps right now, but maybe that's okay; you'll know what the next step is when it's time to take it.

Which thing makes the most sense to start with? Maybe that's your first step.

[bbrandy2002]

The Breakfast Club

Chapter 9:

Don't You Forget About Me.

Summary: The group has an epiphany. Who really put them together and why? Constantine ensures one member of the group won't be a problem anymore.

One more chapter!!!

The Royal Romance AU

Warning: These characters have potty mouths, read at your own peril. They also belong to Pixelberry.

Henry David Thoreux is quoted as saying, 'Not until we are lost do we find ourselves'. How can five people with differing life experiences, walk into a room as wounded, forgotten souls, and together, discover who they are. If ever the fates aligned, it happened on that particular Saturday. _

Life sometimes gives us what we need... Through hardships we find growth

Saturday 4:00 PM Old Palace Library

Sitting on the floor of the old library, an 18 year old with a cold heart and distaste for the crown. His father gunned down years ago by an assasin's bullet and a mother who left he and his sister, to return to the States. A war was waged in him years ago and bitterness won. All he knew now was trouble, booze and anger. He is the commoner.

Sitting to his left is the stunning Duchess of Lythikos. Nearly 18 herself, she has been raised by the King since she was a child. Her parents, traitors to the crown, died atempting to overthrow the monarchy. Contantine has always treated her like an enemy and took every opportunity to degrade her. The only constant in her life was a prince, whom she loves, but, he has never returned her affections in a manner she wants. She has built an impermiable wall of defense around herself for protection, that includes degrading others for self-preservation. She is known as the bitch to many.

Next to her, a young 17 year old from Ramsford with a heart of gold and the life of any party. On the outside, he is funny, outgoing and, perhaps, too kind for his own good. On the inside, he grieves the losses in his life, both in body and spirit. His inabilty to live up to the Beaumont expectations, weighs on him heavily. He sees himself as a failure.

Also, the new Crown Prince of Cordonia. He will be 18 tomorrow and at that time will become bethrothed to his brother's former fiancee, though, his heart now belongs to another. He has wished death would find him so many times recently that he tried and failed to make it a reality. The burdens that he was left with when his brother abdicated, is too much to bear. His father has caused irreparable hurt, physically and emotionally, that fear, now courses through his veins like wildfire. There are no disappointments allowed when you're The Heir.

Next to him, a perky, 17 year old girl, saved from the streets. She has big dreams of moving to New York and making it big. She is held back by a dangerous, family life that included more abuse than many should withstand. Is a girl with her background, naive enough to believe she can save her new dream from being robbed of his? After all, its said that trash breeds trash.

"Why is everyone sitting on the floor?", a seemingly gleeful and renewed Liam asked as he joined them.

A weary eyed Drake rubbed his hand across the back of his neck, "Trust me...its a long story".

Riley leaned over and playfully tugged at Drake's foot, "You seem somewhat calmer than you did earlier, what happened?".

Maxwell couldn't help himself as he grinned, "Let's just say....well....we got totally fucked up."

Liam and Riley looked between the three, all appearing quite relaxed, still eating on the last remnants of sandwiches and fruit the maid brought them an hour ago.

Olivia, now recovered from her earlier high, couldn't help but notice a change in Liam. Knowing he was with Riley the past four hours left a sour taste in her mouth.

"So Riley", Olivia began, "Maxwell tells us he found you on the streets...will you be returning to your park bench tonight or do you think fucking Liam once is enough for another free night at the palace".

"Olivia!", Liam, quickly shot up, dumbfounded by her callousness.

Olivia looked at him with shock, "What? Hmm, Liam...she's obviously looking for a meal ticket and you are falling right into her grubby little hands".

"You're such a bitch!" A furious Riley yelled back, both fists gripped tightly together.

"Damn straight", she sniped.

Drake laid back on the floor with his hands cupped behind his head, "You just can't stop yourself can you Olivia?"

She raised an eyebrow and straightened her posture, "Who asked you...like your opinion matters anyway".

The air became thick with tension and poisonous words. Olivia was hurting and holding on for dear life. The only person who ever seemed to give a damn about her was slipping away fast.

A normally flippant Maxwell, tried to find a balance, an understanding of what was taking place. "Olivia, why do you berate everyone? Riley's never done anything to you".

Her beady, green eyes readily placed a target directly on him, "Like I care what some moron like you thinks. When you have to deal with the bullshit I go through everyday, then by all means judge away, until then, fucking mind your own business".

Maxwell jumped up and stood with a demeanor that suggested Olivia found his breaking point. With a raised voice and a face painted as red as her hair, "The bullshit you deal with? Your bullshit?...What about my bullshit? What about Drake and Liam and Riley's bullshit? Are you so fucking closed off and hardened, that you don't see we're all dealing with nothing but bullshit?...I have two dead parents, just like you,  and a brother who has a stick so far up his ass...", his voice started to break as he rubbed a stinging tear from his eye, "...just...quit acting like its only you".

Riley stood up and gave Maxwell a comforting embrace, while Drake continued to lay back, eyes closed, struggling with his own thoughts.

Liam noted Olivia's composure, she was tense and hollow, but, her eyes spoke volumes. She was fighting herself, the walls were crumbling and she was trying with all of her might to keep them standing. If there was ever a time to get into her heart, it was now.

Liam raised his knees and wrapped his arms around them, resting his chin down.  "We're supposed to write an essay about who we think we are....well, who are we? I sure as hell don't know who I am anymore...looking around at each of you and hearing Maxwell's words, tells me no one else does either".

Riley and Maxwell sat back down with the group, everyone except Drake pondering Liam's words in their minds, but, no one speaking.

Liam raised his head again and lowered his legs, crossing them in front of him. "Okay, I'll go first then....I'm suffocating, I'm losing my mind, at the end of a short rope. I hate my father, my life...who I have to be", he stopped for a second to prepare himself for what followed, "I wanted to die last night, even tried swallowing pills".

He grabs everyone's attention, including Olivia who saw him this morning, at the mention of the prince trying to commit suicide. "Yeah... I wanted it all to end...I just needed, peace".

Drake sits up, claps his hands mockingly and glares at Liam, "Boo..fucking.. hoo..must be real hard to have the entire damn country bowing at your ever present whim...so spare me the sob stories your majesty".

Olivia raises her hand back and slaps Drake across the face, screaming, "You weren't there this morning....you don't know what happens to him, to me... every day is a nightmare where the King dictates who we are or else."

Drake rubs the stinging on his reddened cheeks, seething, "Yeah, you’re right, I wasn't there, I was stuck in a damn basement apartment alone because my father died protecting your sorry, rich ass's and my mother lost her mind because of it"

Dead air filled the room.

"Sounds like your dad was a hero Drake...my real dad bailed before I was even born", Riley mused.

"Yeah Drake, at least your dad didn't die on a friggin boat with a cocaine stained nose, partying his ass off, while your mother was at home dying....it sucks I know, but, of the five of us, your dad was... pretty awesome", Maxwell said with a sympathetic smile.

A hero_? _That word caused a flood of emotions that ran straight to his yielded heart. He was breaking down too, especially when he caught a glimpse of Liam, a member of the royal family, nodding in agreement, showing genuine appreciation for Jackson Walker.

He ran a hand through his hair and held onto it with a tight grip. He tried to hold the moisture that formed like pools in his flustered, brown eyes, but, they poured out anyway. Even Olivia looked at him, envious of the legacy Jackson left for Drake and his sister to be proud of. No one else in the room could say the same of their fathers.

Drake covered his eyes and sniffled loudly, his lips quivering uncontrollably, "I miss my dad", he wailed out.

Maxwell and Riley quickly went to him, rubbing and patting him on the back. Liam crawled over to Drake, holding his head to his chest.

Liam looked at him while Drake tried to stifle his sobs. "Drake, I'd like to personally thank, on behalf of myself and the crown, the son of the man who saved me and my families life".

Drake had held his feelings in for so long, it felt surprisingly gratifying to finally release them. He thought to himself-_Fucking Bastien was right. _He lifted himself up, with everyone except Olivia following his lead. He wiped his wet face on the inside of shirt, "It's all I ever wanted, just someone to appreciate him...to care about what he did". Liam then pulled him into a hug, "I do Drake, I really do", as he clapped his back.

Drake returned a half smile, looking away for moment before turning to face Liam again, "You're already ten times the King your father is.".

Drake inhaled deeply and asked for a minute alone. He walked down the stairs and sat on the bottom step attempting to make sense of everything that just happened.

Olivia, remained still, then grabbed her purse and followed him. She sat down next to him, but, he didn't acknowledge her presence. She reached inside her purse and took  Drake's hand. He watched as she slowly dropped his fathers pocket watch into his palm.

Stunned, he stared at her in disbelief, "how did you...?"

She looked off in the distance, sighing, before meeting his bewildered look, "A courier dropped it off yesterday. It was found in an alley and had the Royal crest on it. Constantine didn't know who it belonged to and tossed it aside, but, I did....I took it and was going to use it against you".

He looked at the watch, clutching it with both hands as if his life depended on, "That's a real fucked up thing to do, even for you".

She swallowed hard, "Yeah...it is...I'm sorry".

Drake quirked his brows, "Did I really just get the Duchess of Lythikos to apologize to a poor commoner like me?".

She smiled and playfully swiped at his arm, "Yes, but, don't expect any more". She then leaned over, speaking in a low voice, "Can I tell you something?".

Drake squinted his eyes, skeptical, "What?"

Olivia looked around, "I actually had a lot of fun with you today, even when you were an asshole....banter aside, I can't say I've ever been on a drug run, climbed in an air duct, fallen through the ceiling and then got very....very stoned", she chortled.

He chuckled back, "Yeah, I never expected to do any of those things, especially with you".

"Walker?", she asked, "am I anything besides a bitch...I mean, who do I say I am?".

He thought for a moment before cracking a smile at her, "You're still a bitch....but, like a bad ass, take no prisoners kind, but, you're also one tough girl...you have to deal with a lot of Constantine's shit...that take's guts.".

She stood up, absorbing his words, "I was told as little girl...If you can breathe, you can stand and if you can stand, you can fight....So, I will just keep on fighting", she smiled, ruffled his hair and walked back upstairs.

Drake shook his head in disbelief, "unbelieveable", he said to himself as his enemy just became a friend. He followed her back up.

Liam came up behind Olivia and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her cheek. He knew what she had just done for Drake and was proud of her. He asked her to apologize to Riley, in which she hesitated. "She's the one Livvie", he told her. The words stung, but, she was also glad to see him happy for once..

Olivia apologized and she and Riley sat together talking about make up and different hairstyles Riley could try. She told her she was returning to Lythikos soon and if she ever needed anything to let her know.

Drake and Maxwell caught Liam up on why there was a hole in the ceiling. They each would reminisce about their childhood adventures together. Every now and then, Liam would peak over at Riley, just to see her.

The group made their way down the steps and gathered around Liam, sitting at a table, preparing to write the letter. He looked up at them, "So, who do we say we are?".

Maxwell slumped over on the table, "It's been a long day, I just wanna be Maxwell."

They each looked at one another and knew what they wanted.

"I'm just Riley".

"I guess, I'm just Olivia".

"Drake"

Liam penned it down to the letter, "and I just want to be Liam".

Olivia watched as Riley and Liam sat together, canoodling, as she described it. Drake came up behind her and placed both hands on her shoulders, tugging them. She looked at him with a sad face. "Come on, you can sit with me and Maxwell", he said as he pulled her over to another table.

Some time had passed when the door opened and Bastien walked in. They were all surprised to learn that this whole thing was not actually Constantine's doing, but, he and Regina's. The kids were falling apart and they thought they could use time together, helping one another, in a way an adult couldn't.  Apparently, their plan worked.

"Real fucking sneaky Bas", Drake said as he pulled him into hug, "does this mean I don't have seven weekends of guard duty with the ass clown you sent in here to watch us?"

"We'll see", he chuckled.

Everyone made their way out of the library, with Liam stopping Riley in the hallway. "Hey you".

"Hey you", she replied while pulling him to her.

"I have to go speak with my father, but, I'll meet you at the garden maze in twenty minutes, okay?"

She stood on her tipped toes and kissed him, "Don't you forget about me", she teased.

They parted ways and she made it to the palace entrance. She was met by two officers and a guard, looking specifically for her.

The officer approached her, "Riley Brooks?"

She wanted to lie, but, they obviously knew it was her. She let a shaky response, "yes".

The officer grabbed her and placed her under arrest, "we received word from His Majesty that you are a runaway who snuck into the palace".

Riley tried to explain to them that she was invited by Maxwell and that the Prince knows her, however, it fell on deaf ears.

Constantine met them at the door, with a scour look. He walked up to her, glared at her for what seemed to be hours for Riley, then smacked her in the face. "Don't you ever think about coming back here again.... or you will be sorry."

He motioned for the officers to take her away.

She cried out, "please dont send me back, he'll kill me....please....Liam!!!".

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