#i don't understand why people don't realize how selfish that comes off?

[chirpchirplol]

hi! anonymous asker here, I made an account to post about why I initially thought I was Lion. This is going to start off like me trying to argue it's wrong but that's not what it is. It's also long af, sorry for that, I wrote it out for myself to process it then went back and realized there was a literal question it was in response to. longafness after link, tl;dr: I value and rely on my gut feelings heavily, can't make myself ignore them, but I want them to be predictable and it's uncomfortable when they get out of line

So I felt confident about Lion, and with Badger or Snake, it was "I wouldn't like it but I could see it." Like with Snake, I love me some hedonism and struggle with selfishness - had assumed both those characters were huge Snakes lol - but find it as a whole to be a very "fuck you, I got mine" mentality. Sucks for those strangers in need with no one to come through for them! Like I have STRONG feelings about this, I don't understand how people don't find it horrifying. I actually have a weird opposite thing where I can get FURIOUS on behalf of strangers being mistreated, even hypothetical or fictional ones, in a way I don't for people I know well or even myself. Which is why I thought Badger was possible and maybe I just was resistant due to being burned or because I thought it was boring, but the unpersoning group thing creeps me out. "All people matter… except the ones that don't." It's so close to being really beautiful!

With Bird it was more, "who even does this?" Like with the Bird answer on the "lack of objective truth" question, "it's OK, I thought about it and reality is close enough to the model in my head", that is literally incomprehensible to me as a way a person would think. (My answer was "actually there is objective truth." That was my answer before I even got through the question.)

The main reason why I thought Bird was impossible is the "choosing to care about something" part. I can't do that. Caring about things is not something I can turn on or off at will, even if I want to. At least not important things as opposed to say hobbies, but even then I can't just go "ok self, you're gonna like football now because I said so" and then actually do. It's an organic process, I can kick it off but ultimately I either care or don't care, and if I don't then the farthest I'm gonna get is pretending, or lying to myself while knowing it's a lie. Definitely can't talk myself into caring about a job, god knows I've tried lol. My likes and dislikes are so fundamental to who I am as a person, so sacred even, that the idea that they are deliberately malleable for other people is just, whaaaaa?

Where this really kicks in is friends and relationships, I cannot deliberately make myself like someone I dislike or dislike someone I like, people generally don't grow more attractive to me over time. and it'd make me sad, like relationship-foundation-shakingly sad, if I found out my friends/partner felt that way with me. like they had to try to like me rather than just like me.

I'm not really a logical person either. I start with the conclusion, which is generally based on feelings, and then hope I can justify it in case I ever have to talk about it. (because arguing is stressful enough when I do have a defensible stance let alone when I can't explain it) I have this irrational but unshakeable assumption that my feelings and thoughts should just agree completely. When they don't, that feels bad, but my gut has veto power. To fully talk myself into or out of opinions I have to actually feel good about them, they have to not feel viscerally wrong, or else things get into an uncomfortable self-judging place where I know I should believe something but don't actually, truly, deep down, believe it. Or where none of the stances feel right, that's even more "fun".

A good example of that is actually the "past self is a different person" thing. My past self is still me, the things I did or thought in the past do not disappear just because I've changed nor do their permanent effects on me. I absolutely feel guilty about things I used to believe, and sure some of that is just the cringe of people knowing about it, but even if no one else knew I'd know and that's enough. And yet… I also theoretically believe in rehabilitation and think it's wrong not to, but apparently I actually don't, because that sure isn't something a person who believes in rehabilitation would say! I'm being flippant but this legitimately bothers me, especially because the idea of not believing in rehabilitation feels even more bad.

What convinced me ultimately: I'm not a Trump supporter, obviously. I would like to think it is absolutely impossible for me to become a Trump supporter. But that's what they all say, people become the things they would never EVER become all the time. Which led me to this question: Would it be worse to deliberately choose to do something wrong, or to slowly stop believing it's wrong without realizing? Or does that distinction even matter? Feel free to substitute something less extreme, like working for an evil company, bullying, cheating, selling out, betraying a friend, whatever line you would never cross.

And my answer is actually that the latter is wayyy more disturbing. I'm really big on owning and naming your beliefs and desires. It's a great way to get your conscience to kick in, to actually say it out loud then see how good or bad that felt. Same principle as how, if someone makes a racist joke, you act confused and ask them to explain it to you.

So the former would be gross, like fuck any person who would do it; but at least I could be conscious of the fact that I am choosing to do an evil thing for the sake of, I don't know, stonks. I would be engaged in the process, my conscience would be involved despite being ignored, and I would hope I would feel disgusted with myself forever. (Even considering the possibility is kind of disgusting.) But slowly having your beliefs erode over time into something bad… how do you stop that? How do you do ANYTHING about that? Shit what if it's happening right now? Even if the shift was in the opposite direction and I slowly became a better person without trying… I guess that's good? Can't argue with it being a net positive? But it feels unearned and unreliable, if you can sleepwalk forward you can sleepwalk back.

So that's conscious vs. unconscious I guess. Also I wrote and revised a ton of words to answer the question so there's that too.

bird primary + burnt snake secondary

 tl;dr: Fairly sure I'm Lion primary (maybe burned Badger since I sort of envy the idea of close communities, or hedonistic Snake, not sure where that line is)

(the way that divide works out is that basically, Burnt Badgers look like Snakes. They have the Snake's small community, but wish they could cast their net wider. Hedonistic Snakes tend to be more solo, and much more focused on /stuff/. Also, both options make pretty good short-term coping mechanisms.)

but unsure whether my secondary is Bird, Snake/burned Snake, or burned Lion.

I love researching and reverse-engineering and my immediate response to situations is to Google advice, but reactively, not proactively. I am allergic to planning, and prepwork feels stifling and unnatural.

Ooooh, have we got a single-player Environment Snake? (I also think of these as MacGyver Snakes.) Basically just pulling at the things around you in order to solve the problem at hand.

I studied math in college then did a coding bootcamp, and I always felt adrift because both only taught memorizing solutions to individual problems/proofs, not how to solve unfamiliar ones -- i.e., really learning. 

However, I neither consider myself flexible nor want to be, and singleplayer Snake is wayyyyyyyyyyyy more comfortable than stuff involving other people. (Complicating factor: not neurotypical.)

I think I can say, pretty confidently, that this system works just fine if you're not neurotypical. :) There's no reason you have to use the multi-player version if you don't want. The most dramatic single/multi player divide is probably Bookkeeper Badger vs Courtier Badger, and there are lots of people who prefer being just one or the other.

I do the "faces" thing reflexively, in the moment, but it doesn't feel like "shifting" or "becoming" anything: just me, lying.

That's Snake. "Becoming" is more of a word that a Courtier Badger would use, they kinda do have to believe it, or it doesn't work. Snake secondaries are a lot more aware of what they're doing, in the moment.

It's interesting that you are just straight-up using the word lie though. In my experience, Snakes are more likely to conceptualize that particular problem-solving strategy as "say it in a way they'll listen to," or something like that. You might just be super direct (and/or like hanging out in Neutral) buuuut... the negativity of "lie" can sometimes point to a Burnt secondary. No sign of that yet, but I'll keep an eye out for it.

I don't have a moral problem with lying; it's often even right since a) telling the truth often hurts people, and b) people do prefer it: most people want to hear what they want to hear, and if that happens to be the truth that's great.

Hmmm. This is sounding like primary stuff. And it's quite reasoned out, which makes me interested in hearing why you went for Lion primary instead of Bird.

But deep down, I guess I resent it. I wish that when I say what I mean it would convince people rather than create problems. I try to ration that to only things that REALLY matter to me, but tbh many things do. I hate arguing.

What I'm hearing here is the Bird primary fantasy of "If I was only able to explain it exactly right, in precisely the right words, then everyone would agree with me." And as you say earlier, it doesn't actually work like that. It sounds like you're feeling a bit cynical in regards to other people a the moment, and I can't exactly blame you.

I would love to be an inspirational secondary but I am bad at inspiring people.

There is definitely some burnt secondary talk going on here.

Family: I'm not close to my father -- he’s a terrible person, serial cheater, racist, etc. I'm closer to my mother, and don't think she's a bad person, but both parents were hypercritical and have horrible tempers, so my childhood felt horrible to live through since I was always getting yelled at or having corporal punishment used for doing something wrong.

Definitely seeing where the burned secondary energy is coming from, if so many of your formative experiences involved being told that the way you were doing things was wrong. I also see why you might have at least a fascination with the confident, firey, speak-your-truth-and-damn-the-consequences Lion secondary.

(On paper this could be called abusive, and anyone else being subjected to this makes me furious, but I'm not fully comfortable with the label for my situation, even though I know that's inconsistent.) 

I understand, and I appreciate that. I also appreciate your carefully articulated position, and it's slanting me in the direction of Bird primary. Even though this is obviously a topic you are very emotional about, all those emotions are arranged within the framework of thought. You're aware of and okay the fact that you feel all kinds of different ways about what happened.

Any secondary model came from my mom, but I don't know about primary. She always says my sister and I are "the most important things in her life." (One of the reasons I don’t want kids is that I don’t think I could ever believe or promise them that.) She ostensibly also hates my father and their divorce was vicious, but she kept working for him until he retired, goes on trips with him to see my sister or me, and pressured me for years to un-estrange him because “after all, he’s family” until I gave in and now pretend to have a relationship just enough to placate them. I don't have any ethical problems doing this, it's just irritating.

That is very, very unusual family dynamic. Have to get my head around that. Your mom may have some very intense Badger going on, especially with the the whole "after all, he's family" thing. That could fit go with a nasty divorce, especially if she thought his presence was a threat to you and your sister. On the other hand, she might just be able to compartmentalize to an insane degree, which would probably point to Bird secondary.

I don't understand this aspect of my mom; I observe it happening, but I don't understand it. It feels kind of sad, in an existential way. 

Honestly, I agree.

(Another way my dad sucks is that he played favorites with my sister and I, me being the favorite.

Being the Golden Child sucks just as much as being the Problem Child.

The shitty resulting dynamic is I only "care about" his approval to avoid him creating drama that ripples to everyone around him -- he's gotten better but he has literally started shit when I didn't end emails with "love" -- but my sister actually cares about his approval, and it hurts her.)

Secondary-wise, my mom would always harp on me to "pay attention to the people and things around you," and whenever I tell her about solving problems in Snakeish ways she's like "way to go, [me]!" But she also is meticulously planned and scheduled and organized, and hates surprises and not knowing exactly what will happen. She's the kind of person who gets frustrated in April when I haven’t told her my Thanksgiving itinerary, which, like... I don't want to think that far ahead.

She could be either Prep-work secondary, Bird or Badger. If she's a Bird, "pay attention to the people and things around you," points to a a Rapid-Fire Bird (which can look *very* Snakey.) Or it could be a way of describing Courtier Badger. Being that scheduled is more often a Bird thing... but I could also imagine a Badger manifesting like that, especially if she is so concerned with specifically planning holidays.

Low-stakes/high-stakes problem that felt good: This is a high-stakes problem containing a low-stakes problem. I'm rolling them together because they illustrate both aspects of my problem solving.

Higher stakes: That coding bootcamp required being on Zoom 8 hours every day. But I had 3 roommates (part of why I did it was to not have 3 roommates), and they didn't want me there that much. I can't go to coffee shops because either they're loud, or I will make them loud by talking for 8 hours, thus becoming the problem. Coworking spaces are expensive af. I even consider renting a storage unit but I don't think they have power and wifi. The idea I settle on is sneaking onto a nearby college campus: preferably the CS building, to blend in. I scour the college subreddit for posts about what buildings let students in without ID, then scout them out (this is March, the thing doesn't start until May, I'm just high on must-solve-now energy). After ~15 minutes (lol) of walking through campus I decide I've had enough, seems doable. The day of, I leave early in case I have to give up and go home, but that turned out to be completely pointless because tailgating in is shockingly easy. Like it's scary how easy it is. One day a security officer stopped me but even he eventually let me in after I acted increasingly frazzled and panicked -- not ENTIRELY an act but I definitely was playing it up.

I like this story. And I feel good about saying that it is QUITE snakey: what do I have immediately around me, and how can I use it to get what I want in this moment? Even little details like - you're not bothering to come up with a cover story or borrow/forge someone's ID. If you're caught you'll talk your way out of it. You did a little research, then scoped the place out, then were good to go.

Lower stakes: I usually did classes from an empty auditorium (students weren't supposed to be there but no one checked, and also I'm not a student right?). The whiteboard's eraser stand was a few inches away from the wall, and one day I drop my phone in the gap. Shit. The gap's way too high to reach down. I can't ask anyone for help because I'm already 2 layers deep of being somewhere I'm not supposed to be. The stand screws to the wall, but I don't have a screwdriver because who just carries a screwdriver around? (For whatever reason, going to a hardware store didn't occur to me.) I stare at the thing until I realize: I am literally in the ENGINEERING building. I search various offices, ask people for a screwdriver, but no luck. Then I see a board listing the departments. One floor has a "makerspace," and somehow, its door is wide open (the student lounge is locked down but the room with deadly power tools isn't, ???) I grab 5 sizes of screwdriver, then also grab duct tape and a ruler to fish my phone out in case the screwdrivers don't work, which turned out to be a good idea because they didn't

Sounds to me to me like you just MacGyvered a solution :D

One thing I am picking up on is your subtle critique of the existing rules/systems. Getting in via tailgateing is easier than it should be, talking your way past the guard was too easy. The door with the powertools really should be locked, etc. It's making me (again) think Bird primary for you. You've very tuned into the way things run, and how well designed (or not) that is. There's also just a little bit of Birdy rules-lawyer in "Students aren't allowed in this room, but I'm not a student (because I snuck in.)"

Hard decision-making process…. I don’t know. I don’t experience many decisions as hard. I often know what I want to do right away; the difficult part is doing it.

In the language of this system, that's a Burnt secondary.

Or I know what I should do, am obligated to do, have no choice but to do, etc., though sometimes it feels miserable or wrong, like resignation.

Unfortunately that is what it feels like to have a Burnt primary - you just use whatever problem-solving strategy you can at random, since they all feel like a chore and it doesn't really matter.

I can feel proud of making certain "right" choices in an abstract self-congratulatory way, but I never like it or really feel good about it. I either act on something immediately or put it off until the decision makes itself, a drop-dead deadline approaches, I get bored/impulsive enough to do it on the spot, or I suddenly swerve my life toward something I like better.

You're definitely an Improvisational secondary. Which is really fine, even though I know it doesn't feel that way all the time when you come from a family of intense Prep-work people. Just keep an eye on that 'wait until the deadline' impulse. It's very, very common for neurodivergent people to use that last-minute stress adrenaline to kind of hack their brain, and it's not sustainable.

I'd wanted to change careers for years but the actual decision to do the bootcamp was an impulse based on ~3 hours' research the day I encountered it.

That can absolutely work though. You *are* working on the problem and mulling it over in your head long term, even if you are (in the words of another snake secondary) "waiting for the opportune moment."

This is all healthy and well-adjusted, and it definitely has never caused any predictable problems! (Did get a job though.)

Hey, if it's stupid and it works, it's not stupid.

My fantasy: To be successful and well-known in my field; to create the kind of art I want to create and have it be respected/influential. To live the life I want, with the aesthetic I want, and the opportunities from others and follow-through from me to achieve that. The details vary based on the field but that's the general template. 

I'd say that's a very human fantasy, without too many details that slant me one way or the other, in terms of this system. There's definitely a focus on the community around you and how you relate to it/integrate into it. And that makes me think Bird (the external primary) is more likely than Lion (the internal primary.)

Characters: I relate to characters who are flawed in the same ways I am -- they feel like cautionary tales -- or sometimes via empathizing in a way the story doesn’t (Carlotta from Phantom got done DIRTY).

It's interesting that you respond to characters who the narrative framing doesn't support, because the narrative framing doesn't support them. I guess that does fit with your interest in constructed systems, and if they're useful/functional or not. Which points to Bird.

On that big pop culture character test I always get Hannah from Girls and Gaius Baltar from Battlestar Galactica: harsh, but not wrong.

(I always get Inara from Firefly and Céline from Before Sunrise.)

It's been a second since I've seen Girls or Battlestar Galactica, but I do think that both of those characters are Bird Snakes, which is honestly impressive since Bird Snakes are easily the least common fictional archetype.

Baltar is clever, adaptive, reactive, he pulls from around him. He also bluffs and will *act* like he's an expert when he really isn't. A lot of his internal conflict revolves around extremely Bird primary rationalization - is this situation really his fault? and if it is, what is he morally/rationally supposed to do about it (if anything?) "Voice of *a* generation" Hannah also has this way of getting caught in her own feedback loops when trying to figure herself out. One of my favorite moments is the bit where she loses her purse on the way back from the wedding, and then rides the train all the way to Coney Island, sits on the beach and eats the slice of wedding cake while watching the sun rise. I think that's beautiful, and a very Snake secondary response.

I also gravitate toward a specific archetype: Blanche from A Streetcar Named Desire, Madame Bovary, Violetta from La Traviata. People who desire an impossible thing deeply and unshakably, temporarily achieve it, and are taken down dramatically.

Now that, I'm thinking is a story structure that you like. And/or you're drawn to these tragic great ladies, living most of the way in a fantasy world. It's a good, cathartic archetype.

What makes me feel powerful: I don’t really resonate with that framing. The closest is that feeling like I have no options is the same for me as feeling powerless.

Okay, "not feeling powerless," I'll take it. And we're back to that Burnt secondary again. I'm hoping you'll leave your Snake a little more room to breathe and play, because it seems like you're a pretty capable person. You manage to do the things you want to get done, and you have an excellent awareness of what are good and bad situations, both for you and just in general.

Thank you to anonymous for such an excellent submission. If you'd like a Sorting of your very own, commissions are open on my ko-fi. :D

If you'd like to read more about the system I'm using, my explanation is right here.

[synthaphone]

im tired

the stuff happening in moderneo is indicative of a trend i've been seeing in neoclone art contribution, which is that artists who come in to work on pet colors often clash because they're coming from two majorly different viewpoints:

its for fun so don't take it too seriously and just be creative- if the site runner likes it then its good to go

its for a website that's seeking to recreate the neopets experience, so we should strive for the art we make to match the existing art in style and quality

neither of these are incorrect approaches for a volunteer collaborative project, and i think its up to the people in charge of each respective neoclone to clearly establish which of these ways they want their art team to approach the pet colors, in order to prevent conflict i'm definitely in the latter camp, and have also been called a bully on a couple different occasions for offering gentle critique. seeing very level headed and reasonable points be reacted to as though they're evil bullying makes me want to spontaneously combust. sometimes, on a collaborative project, you'll end up feeling bad when you receive critique or pushback on an idea you had. and that feeling sucks!!! but that doesn't mean that the people who gave you the critique were bullies. seeing professional artists get treated like dangerous cruel people for approaching a project like professionals makes me feel insane.

like okay, if its not a professional project and the more 'anything goes' atmosphere is whats wanted, then fine!! but you have to make that clear- and even IF that's the goal, i think its unreasonable and immature of any participating artist to demand zero critical feedback on the designs that they're submitting to the website for everyone to be able to adopt. also, if the project isn't going to be approached like its professional work, you can't expect consistent professional quality artwork, because you cannot get that from an environment that doesn't allow for critique or style direction

[genderqueerdykes]

What if using the pronouns for someone is a trigger for me? I've tried to work on it in the past with my therapist, but we made little progress on this particular issue in two years and I'm starting to run out of money for therapy. Should I just avoid people who use the pronouns?

no? do you understand how absolutely off the walls that is? that's literally NOT how you heal from trauma- this is the EXACT opposite of that. what, should trans people with she/her or he/him trauma avoid every single person they encounter who use he or she from here on out?

why are you even talking to me to begin with? i use it/its pronouns only.

alright FUCK THIS. not being overly nice for this one, this is absolutely vile and fucking personal at this stage. look i have very severe PTSD and i am sick and TIRED of people using their OWN trauma as an excuse to MISGENDER OTHER PEOPLE:

YOU ARE PERPETUATING THE CYCLE OF ABUSE WHETHER OR NOT YOU REALIZE IT.

you will NEVER have the excuse to refuse to properly gender someone because YOU have some type of trauma. that fucking sucks that you have trauma but that is NOBODY'S burden to bear but yours and NOBODY is misgendering YOU on purpose for it. you CAN and WILL get over triggers if you actually try. you have to put in a lot of effort. you have to understand that calling SOMEONE ELSE BY THEIR CORRECT PRONOUNS IS NOT YOU GETTING MISGENDERED.

YOU are NOT being misgendered by referring to someone else by their CORRECT pronouns. you HAVE to get the fuck over it and STOP making someone else's pronouns about yourself.

seriously, re-read this question and ask yourself is that even a remotely healthy sounding line of thinking? do you seriously think it's okay for men who have been abused by a lot of women to incorrectly refer to women and pathologically avoid them? do you seriously think it's okay for women who have been abused by a lot of men to misgender every man they come across and pathologically avoid men for the rest of their lives?

honestly, how hard have you even tried to work on this? be serious with yourself. you can say you worked on it, but have you? go the fuck back to therapy, you're not done yet. i don't know how to tell you GIVING UP is not the correct way to go about this. therapy can take years and DECADES you can't just INSTANTLY give the fuck up because it brings back upsetting memories. you HAVE to care about other people's feelings, you can't prioritize yourself in ever single situation on planet earth. you can't. trauma can and does make people do selfish, abusive, manipulative things. you are NOT incapable of abusing others just because you have trauma. you don't deserve to be coddled just because you have trauma.

if you can't see it/its users as people who deserve respect and deserve to be referred to correctly, you are projecting your own trauma about your own feelings on these pronouns on to complete and total fucking strangers and that is nobody's problem but yours. that needs to be worked on fucking ASAP. absolutely un-fucking-real. i'm a person and i hate it that you just do not see it/its users as people, but instead roadblocks, and that you don't care about our feelings whatsoever.

[nariism]

*ੈ✩ LAST WORDS OF A SHOOTING STAR

pair. itadori yuji x reader

synopsis. in the 3 days following the shibuya incident, itadori yuji emerges as a husk of his former self. with his immediate execution resumed, you both grapple with the feelings you have for each other and come to terms with his impending death.

content. hurt/comfort (lots of comfort, thank art because i was gonna be mean about this and they convinced me not to), slightly canon divergent (taking place between shibuya and the culling games), fluff and minor angst, yuta is the best wingman

wc. ~4.4k

NOVEMBER 1 2018

You imagine that your face was rather ghastly when you received the news.

"Execution?" You repeated, the word tasting bitter on your tongue. No, that was the wrong description. It tasted of death—like iron and the depths of Hell filling your mouth until you were gurgling on it.

Unlike the rest of the Jujutsu Sorcerers from Tokyo, you had been ordered to stay back with Shoko in case of an emergency. You remember your exile from battle had left a similar rotten flavour in your mouth.

You vanished off the face of the earth after the incident was over. Most probably presumed you died in the aftermath. Devoured by a curse, they would say and shake their heads. You were always troublesome. And then they would move on with the rest of the world, all the same.

Lives were only temporary in the world of curses. Focus on who you can save, not who is already gone. They'll only end up a curse in your sleep. What a horrible notion to have.

The truth is that you'd been whisked away with Yuta, who seemed to be scheming a plan of his own. Perhaps as a middle finger to the higher ups he hated so much, or perhaps just for his own selfish reasons. You wouldn't know until he was finished carrying it through—he's too good at keeping secrets.

He wanted your reverse cursed technique, you knew that much for sure, even though he could do it himself. You were useful by his side, fitting into his plot in a way you could not in Shibuya. Feeling some sort of obligation and satisfaction, you followed him like a lost puppy.

And now here you are, seated by a dimming fire in the abandoned part of the city. Yuta was too clever for his own good. You suppose Gojo taught him some things well. This was their plan after all.

Yuji was safe, if only for this moment in time.

"Now with Gojo gone, it would have been easy for the higher ups to send assassins your way."

Ruthless and truthful, you flinch, but Yuji does not. He remains perfectly still in your hold, with your hands rotating his face around to get a better look at his wounds. You pour your cursed energy into him, hoping to breathe life back into his eyes, but they stay dull and empty.

"We'll find a way to stop this," you assure, reaching over to take a sanitizing wipe to clean an open cut. Yuta was too rough on him, but it was at least believable that Yuji was dead. He doesn't even recoil from the alcohol stinging his flesh, too engrossed in his own thoughts.

"Why?" He asks weakly. You gawk at him, but then it melts away into a softness that finally makes him blink up at you. "I'm evil."

"You're not evil, Yuji."

"I am. I killed those people. I did." His voice comes flat and defeated, nothing like the one you used to listen to over dinner while he reenacted shitty western films.

You never realize what you'll miss until it's gone. It's hollow, the ache in your heart.

"You don't understand. How could you? All this blood on my hands—"

"It was Sukuna," you quickly refute.

"And Sukuna only lives because I do!"

His voice raises at you, causing the flames behind you to flicker and crack. It's enough for Yuta to step in, acting as a barrier between your tense bodies. Yuji seems to shrink at this, realizing his emotions have run amok and that he has yelled at you.

You only stare back at him in bewilderment, like a frightened animal. Your upperclassman shakes his head.

"Enough of this. We need to start making plans."

You lay awake that night, alone and anxious. Yuta has taken the first shift of watching and patrolling while the two of you rest, though hesitant to leave you alone. He told you it’s another reason he dragged you along: having three people to rotate shifts instead of just two would be easier on your bodies and minds. The city is not what it used to be, now overrun with curses of all grades.

You reassured him it would be fine, that you would fall asleep quickly and so would Yuji—his body has to run out of steam eventually, right? Oh, what a fool you were.

The tension is so heavy that it's awkward, even though you're sleeping on opposite ends of the tunnel.

"Sleep," you demand as if you were Inumaki, like you have the power to curse him.

His eyes flutter open. Even in the firelight, you don't see any shine in them, seeming as if they had been extinguished of life. "Why don't you?"

"I can't until you do."

"That's stupid," he tells you.

It's not the first time you've argued like this. Back when the world felt right, you would sneak in through his dorm window well into the hours of the night. Platonic, you had convinced yourself. You snuck into his bed seeking companionship as a friend. That's the lie you gorged on.

A piece of you knew, and you're sure he did too, that the way your hands explored his arms was unnatural for two friends, and that friends wouldn't sneak into each other's rooms like this with such severe punishment on the line.

It was safe in his arms, with the dull hum of his television running an old horror film in the background. You didn't have to think about much other than his warmth when you sat between his legs with your back to his chest. Or when his arm was draped over your shoulder and you were pressed into his side—actually, you think you preferred this one though you felt sorry for his sore arm.

You would bicker about dumb, pointless things. Which movie is better, or which character deserved to be mutilated more. It would go on for so long that Megumi would bang his fist on their shared wall to get the two of you to shut up.

There was no curse strong enough to change time itself, so you keep your thoughts and memories to yourself when you respond.

"You'll be too tired to function on your shift," you reason.

"You both will be fine without me." Better off without me, you know he means. You've gotten good at reading between his lines.

You slowly sit up in your sleeping bag, eyes never leaving Yuji. He seems so frail right now, even though he looks more adult than he ever has before.

"Human Earthworm 4 was better than 2," you suddenly say. His eyes peer open again in confusion.

"Huh? 2 was way better."

"I liked the love story in 4," you argue, slowly getting out of your bag to shuffle to his side of the concrete tunnel. He looks at you as if you've said something outlandish, too preoccupied with his thoughts to wonder why you've come so close.

"2 had the best special effects though."

Your body shifts under his blanket.

"But 4 had a happier ending." (As far as 'happy' goes in the Human Earthworm series, at least.)

His arm falls around your waist as it has a hundred times, pulling you into his chest.

"Whatever," he huffs. The next topic comes fast and you're thrown into a full blown conversation with him. If you concentrate enough, you can imagine your bodies being tangled together in his bed, safe and sound.

Concrete and fire and the stench of curses melt away until he's all you can focus on.

"You have weird taste in movies," he concludes with his eyes drifting shut.

NOVEMBER 2 2018

You think you know how to fix broken people until you find that they are more than skin and bones. 

You learn one thing after the Shibuya Incident: there are wounds residing within Yuji just as much as there are marking his flesh.

Yuta, you realize, had left the two of you alone to sleep and has protected you all night. You'll make it up to him, you reason. Yuji deserved to sleep.

When you wake up to his sleeping face, you think his cuts are healing nicely. But then his expression twists up in terror—a nightmare, if he even had enough energy left in him to conjure up dreams. He murmurs in his sleep, shakes his head a few times and thrashes around so much you're surprised you slept through the night by his side.

"Sukuna," he's whispering. Sukuna, Sukuna, Sukuna. King of Curses. The second voice tormenting him that lives in his own brain like a parasite. You bury yourself into his chest and hold him as tight as you can. He relaxes, body releasing its rigid form, but the murmurs continue.

He is shattered beyond repair. No amount of cursed energy could fix that, even if you tried.

You had once watched Yuji electrocute himself trying to set up the janky old television in his dorm room.

He fell back onto the floor with a loud crash, head hitting the wood so hard you thought he might have a concussion. It caused such a racket that Megumi came running into the room asking what happened, demon dog ready behind him in case of an ambush.

You rushed to the floor, discarding all the food you had settled in your lap and crumbled beside him to scoop him into your arms.

"Yuji!" You called him. People rarely used his first name. You felt special, like you knew him better than others did and for some reason that was a privilege. "Are you okay?"

He laughed in your arms, seeming unfazed by the fact that electricity had run through every vein in his body. "I'm fine, see? My finger just slipped."

You and Megumi both sighed in relief, though you always thought it was strange when you reflected on it. Yuji was a funny guy, yes. He was equal parts humour and destruction but not a klutz. Mistakes happen, so you let it slide until now, but some part of you was nagging to ask.

"That day," you start while rolling up your sleeping bag. "You electrocuted yourself. Remember?"

He looks at you funny over his shoulder. Yuta has already started cracking open cans of food for breakfast, embers of your dead fire cracking.

"Hmm, yeah. I remember. Why?"

"I just thought..." you trail off. "Well, Sukuna makes you tough to a lot of things. I'm surprised small electric shocks aren't one of them."

Sukuna. A name you'd been avoiding since this morning. Sickening silence settles between you. It's so heavy that you pause in your cleaning to look at him, brow raised.

"Yeah," he coughs. "Well, maybe I exaggerated."

"Huh?" You sound annoyed now. "You scared us half to death!"

Yuji only falters in his own chores. When he looks at you again, there's a longing in his gaze that you don't know how you could have missed. Or perhaps it was never there until now.

"It was nice to have you fawning over me," he admits.

The day goes on and all you feel is a terrible grief.

You become painfully aware of each millimeter the sun glides across the sky, from one horizon to the other. Time slips through your fingers fast as sand.

Horrifically, you can't find anything to talk about to fill the emptiness—Nobara and Megumi feel off the table considering the extent of their injuries. You don't even dare to breathe Gojo's name, let alone speak of him so boldly as Yuta is.

You're afraid that Yuji will spiral again, confused and unwilling to cooperate with his judgement clouded by loss. It's not your fault, you would say. It is, he would argue. It would do neither of you good, so you idle around while he and Yuta devise plans to tiptoe around the higher ups.

A part of you knows that if either of you told him to submit and die, he would. He's already teetering on the edge of self-destruction.

On the outside, he seems perfectly indifferent. Gaze steady, face stone and unchanging as he speaks. He's doomed, ill-fated, someone full of misfortune. He looks so lonely that the air itself parts for him where he stands.

To shoulder so much responsibility, so much death, maybe he truly is alone. Some fraction of him, at least—a piece of himself only he would ever understand.

Your hand snakes into his without a second thought. You don't know why you did it, nor do you have any reasoning that he doesn't yank away from you. His hand trembles, and it's then that you realize his whole body is wracked with tremors that don't match his distant disposition.

The second thing you learn is this: when Yuji self-destructs, he does it from the inside-out.

Itadori Yuji loves chocolate cake.

He loves all food, really, acting like your friend group's personal food dumpster whenever any of you were full. But chocolate cake you knew he had a sweet tooth for.

You used to bring it with you to his dorm, stopping by the convenience stores on the way home to grab a pre-packaged slice from the fridge for him to eat.

"You're making a mess," you would tell him with a frown, using your thumb to wipe up frosting from the corner of his mouth. You would lick the pad of your finger clean after that, and he would watch almost in a trance.

It's the reason why you stop on one of your patrols, poking through the fridge section of a convenience store. The power has been out for a long time in this part of the city, all the food is already room temperature, but you figure this is fine as long as it smells okay.

The way Yuji's face lights up when he sees you is all it takes for the worry to go away.

It briefly feels as though nothing has ever gone wrong—that after this slice of cake the two of you will tumble back onto his mattress and turn on another showing of Titanic. (He groaned about it once, saying he got KO'd too many times during this film. You only laughed in confusion.)

At the end of the day, you know those days will never come back to you, lost forever in the wind.

Fire dances before you and you watch, enchanted by the flames. You remember last night, how not even the firelight could make Yuji look the same as he did before. You turn your head to look at him, to see if it's any different tonight, just for your cheek to be caught in his palm.

His thumb traces your lip, the way you used to do to him. You recognize the pull of his finger against your flesh, the swipe of it to get frosting off, but he still seems dissatisfied.

"What?" You ask.

"It didn't come off," he mutters, leaning in dangerously close to observe. Heat rises all the way to your cheeks and makes your hairs stand on end. His touch is like molten lava. You wonder if it has something to do with the monster living inside of him.

"I can't see it," you whine without a mirror.

He draws a little closer, until he's inches from your face. "Let me..."

You've suddenly been dropped into cold, unknown waters. This is all unfamiliar. He's rushing this, as if making up for all the time the two of you lost pretending you were only friends. As if he can cram all the things he's wanted to tell you into one night.

Recoiling away, you find yourself hesitating. If he kisses you, this all becomes too real. It's an acknowledgment of his impending death. That the thread of his life is finer and further stretched than yours is.

An unpleasant thought rings through your mind. What if I become a curse on him?

"This only ends badly for us," you whisper, but the conviction is missing from your voice.

He doesn't care. At least, it doesn't look like he does. Who knows what he's thinking right now?

"Who cares?" He says. "We're Jujutsu Sorcerers. Everything bad happens to us no matter what."

You don't have any rebuttal to that, no argument that forms in your mind that could challenge his words. He was right. Only disaster befalls Sorcerers. Disaster and grief.

For a while you had forgotten, living these idyllic months watching the days pass by. You feel like you wasted that precious time worrying about stupid things, like what to have for breakfast or what kind of snacks you should pick up for movie night.

(It ended up being popcorn every time. He liked to piss off Sukuna with it, saying the King of Curses would never get to experience the pleasure of picking out kernels from his teeth. You scoffed but bought it anyway.)

Another thought crosses your mind: Yuji is more fit to be in a rom-com, or a television series where the good guys always win. Not this tragedy. Not this massacre.

You wonder if he's ever felt the same way. If he ever wished he could reach into the sky and turn the sun back to a time before he even knew what a curse was.

If you’d met each other under different circumstances, would this have been a different story? The thought makes your heart ache, a part of you so deep that even if you reached into your chest and plucked it, you'd still wail.

"Can I?" He asks you, eager but quiet. Had this been a few months ago, you imagine that he would have had this spark in his eye. That his lips would be crashing into yours with no inhibition.

But Yuji has always been selfless, you think he always will be. He doesn't want to drag you down if you don't want to—an out, they call it. An escape route just before he careens into a ditch.

Hope has drained from every inch of his expression. This is his loneliness talking.

Despite the dread that licks up your spine, you cup his face. You swear he jolts slightly beneath your touch, as if you've reached out to strike him down. A retribution he believes he deserves.

He kisses you like it's his last day on earth. 

You learn one last thing: Itadori Yuji tastes familiarly of death.

Yuta decides to leave you alone for a second night in a row. His presence is so crushing that you know he's alive, but he stalks off somewhere else, leaving just you and Yuji huddled by the pitiful fire you've built.

He once claimed himself jokingly to be a love expert, and then ran off to Kenya for so long that you lost track of how much time passed. You wish you'd asked him before he left what he meant, but at the time it seemed irrelevant. Insignificant. The name Itadori Yuji had not yet been impressed into your heart like a seal.

You're busy setting up the sleeping bags, this time pushing them flush together. They're so close you can barely see the seam between them. Yuji stands on the other side of the fire, watching.

It reminds him of all the times you'd ever scolded him for not making his bed in the morning. I'm gonna crawl back in tonight anyway, he said. Who cares if it's messy?

Idiot, you would call him. But there was no malice behind it. He treated it like a pet name, a badge of honour to be your idiot.

Life felt so simple back then. He was full of determination and life and stuck to his morals as best he could. When he wavered he would text you to come over so you could fall asleep on his chest and suffocate any other thoughts out of his head.

"I've never felt so powerful before," he admits quietly.  You turn to look at him, curious. "Like I could do anything in the world."

There's a negative connotation to that, you know. He could do anything. The world would crumble at his feet and there he would stand, laughing at it all. It isn't his will, not even slightly, but the demon taking refuge in his body would love to see the blood pool.

"Like I could just... reach out and—"

"Yuji!" You hiss, lurching forward to take his hand into yours and retreat from the flame. The skin is already pink and blistering, scorched by the embers. You twist his wrist around, observing where the fire licked the deepest, and pour your energy into him.

When you look up to see if he's crying, or at least grimacing in pain, you find only his smiling face—warm and adoring. For a second it feels like the world isn't burning around you.

It was nice to have you fawning over me.

You wipe that stupid smirk off his face, leaning in to smear a kiss along the scar on his lip.

"Idiot," you say, and he laughs for the first time in so long that it sounds foreign in your ears.

(He doesn't fall asleep that night. He would rather savour the sound of your soft snores, memorize the form of your body in his hold, and try his hardest to burn this into his brain.

So be it if you come to curse him one day. He would welcome you with open arms.)

NOVEMBER 3 2018

The day comes when Megumi sneaks into your hideout, asking for help.

His sister, he explains. He needs help saving Tsumiki. For some reason, resentment boils in your stomach, but then it's snuffed just as fast.

Two days and two nights you've spent pretending Japan isn't collapsing, content with sitting idly by as curses overran Tokyo. You're sure Megumi thought you to be cowards, that you were all hiding under this bridge to wait out the hellstorm that was raining down on your homes.

It was true to some extent. Once Yuji stepped out into battle again, that was that. You're not sure things would ever be the same again, though you suppose you lost the privilege of routine days ago.

"Let me come too," you urge. Three pairs of eyes land on you.

"No," Yuji pushes. "It's dangerous."

"I can fight!"

"You can't," he pauses, then corrects himself, "You won't."

Awkward silence settles over your encampment. Yuta stirs, standing to hold you steady by the shoulders.

"If we need help... if one of us is hurt, we'll need you unharmed. Do you understand?"

Ah, ever so wise, your upperclassman. So easy to persuade you. There's a reason why he's the chosen one only second to Gojo.

You swallow the bile that fights up your throat. "What if you don't come back?"

Yuji steps in this time, knocking away Yuta to hold you by the face. Get a grip, this means. Pull yourself together, don't you dare fall apart in front of me.

"We will."

You once considered telling him how you felt, letting it eat away at you until Nobara groaned in disgust.

“If Itadori starts dating before I do, I’ll puke.”

You remember that you laughed, thinking she was so dramatic. You loved that about her. “I think you would do worse.”

She glared at you, foot lightly kicking at your shin under the table. Still, she made sure to push equal amounts of rice to your side of the plate. “I might burn a village down,” she huffed, placing her chin on her palm.

“You’re fine. Even if I told him how I feel, I don’t think he’d accept.”

“Huh?” Nobara sounded genuinely confused, raising a brow at you. “What makes you think that?”

You didn't know how to answer that. Maybe you were just afraid that you had misinterpreted everything, that the way he held you was protective in a familial manner and that he would slam his door in your face when you tried.

Looking back on it, you can imagine him in the next room ranting about the same things to Megumi.

“He still has posters of Jennifer Lawrence on his wall,” you argued weakly while shoveling rice into your spoon. She watched you take your bite with her lips parted in disbelief.

You wish you had told him, then. Not that it would have changed where you both ended up.

You watch as they pack up their things.

Megumi's demon dog keeps you quiet company, tail thrashing against the ground as you slick back its fur. They talk around the dying flames, devising plan after plan. None seem safe. None would be.

Yuta and Megumi leave first, taking the lead in front of the pack. His dog melts into the shadows and disappears, leaving you sitting alone.

"I want to take you back, but..." Yuji glances over his shoulder toward his death sentence. "Will you make it okay on your own?"

You get up slowly, as if to draw out the time he stands before you. A thousand questions run through your head: what if you never see him again? What if this kills him, not by body, but by his already damaged soul?

He must sense the racing of your mind, so he leans in to engulf you in his arms. In an instant, memories of those days spent lounging in his bed, shoveling your food onto his plate, and purposefully talking louder to tease Megumi come flooding.

A year you would never forget. You're sure it'll become a curse if you dwell, so you tell him: "I'll make it. You go on, they need you."

I need you, too. Stay. If only it were so simple.

He smiles at you, warm like the sun that's hidden behind the barrier. Itadori Yuji looks like a ghost of his former self, battle-worn and covered in scars where his skin used to be smooth. He kisses you again for good measure, making sure he remembers the way you sigh into his mouth.

When he pulls away, there's life gleaming in his eyes.

"Let's watch Human Earthworm 5 when I come back."

Your thumb brushes the corner of his lip. You open your mouth to speak, to finally tell him the truth after all this time. You'd rather not die regretting you never said it, after all.

But you stop.

"I prefer Titanic," you confess. He shakes his head and kisses your forehead. Then he’s gone, taking all the warmth with him.

You'll make up for lost time one day. It won’t be today. You can tell him all about your feelings when he comes back to you.

© ALABOADOA 2023 — please do not translate or post my works to other platforms.

[semperama]

AHHHHHH will you write me buddie for 56 "it brings out your eyes"????????? 😃😃😃

“It brings out your eyes.”

----

"Okay, which one?" Buck asks, holding up two different t-shirts, one sky blue and one salmon-y pink.

Eddie sighs and scrubs his hands over his face. He's been perched on the end of Buck's bed for what feels like an hour, watching him fuss with his hair and then rifle through his closet. "I don't know, Buck." He lets his gaze drift down Buck's body for what feels like the millionth time, trying to ignore the way it gets fractionally harder to breathe each time he does it. "The blue, I guess. It brings out your eyes."

Buck snorts. "I'm going to a club. No one'll be able to see what color my eyes are." He tilts his head to the side and grins. "Not that they'll be looking anyway."

"Oh my God." Eddie looks up at the ceiling and says a silent prayer for mercy. "This is why I told you I wouldn't be much help. What do I know about clubs?" Much less gay clubs.

"Come on, man." Buck tosses the salmon shirt down on the bed and starts peeling the blue one off the hanger. "I'm freaking out, okay? Are you sure you can't come with me?"

Can't? Maybe that was a lie. With Chris gone, he has no good excuse to stay home these days. But the last thing he needs is to watch Buck get hit on by random strangers--especially not if alcohol is going to be involved. He wouldn't even have come over to help Buck get ready if he hadn't begged him. It'll be the first time I've gone out since me and Tommy broke up, Eddie. I could really use a pep talk.

"I don't even understand why you have to go," Eddie says. He watches Buck pull on the shirt, tries not to linger too long on how it stretches around his biceps, over his chest. "Is this really a good way to meet guys? At your age?"

Buck gasps with exaggerated affront. "At my age?"

Eddie raises an eyebrow at him. "Last time we went out with Hen and Karen you puked in my front lawn and then complained about your hangover for two days."

"I did a bad job pacing myself that night," Buck says, his mouth twisted into what could almost be a pout. "Karen holds her alcohol better than I do. And anyway, they're older than us, so if they can go out--"

"They go out like twice a year. Together. As a couple. Not to meet people."

Buck's expression darkens. "Yeah, well. I'm not part of a couple, so." Okay. So Eddie fucked up with that one. He sighs, but before he can apologize, Buck spreads his arms out and swivels his torso a little. "Just...how do I look?"

He looks good enough to fucking eat, of course. The shirt hugs him in all the right places. His jeans make his ass look great. He must have found some new product for his hair, because his curls are perfect and soft-looking, begging to be touched. Eddie wants to drag him in by the belt loops and beg him to stay.

"You look great, Buck," he says quietly. Because Buck asked him for a pep talk, and so far he's failed the assignment. The least he can do is try to turn it around. The least he can do is be a good friend, not a selfish, jealous asshole. "Seriously, you're going to have guys falling at your feet."

The smile that creeps its way across Buck's face make it all worth it. He ducks his head, shrugs his shoulders up, and Eddie is stabbed by a longing so intense he's halfway to his feet before he realizes what he's doing and stops himself.

"I'll let you get going then," he says, shoving his hands in his pockets do he doesn't give in to the temptation to touch. "Let me know how it goes?"

"Yeah," Buck says. His gaze is searching Eddie's face. For what, Eddie doesn't know. "Yeah, of course."

Eddie makes it to the door, breath painful and ragged in his chest, before he hears Buck's feet pounding down the stairs behind him. He turns to look, to ask if there was something else, but he barely opens his mouth before Buck is there, one hand on Eddie's neck, the other wrapping around his waist, pulling him in so close it knocks the air out of his lungs.

Then, Buck is kissing him. Desperate press of lips, tongue licking into Eddie's shocked mouth. It's an electric shock, white heat spreading through him, painfully good.

But then as soon as it started, it's over, and Buck is staring at him, wide-eyed. Eddie wants to dive into that blue gaze and drown there.

"I'm sorry," Buck says. "I just--I had to try. I had to know, before I--"

"Buck." His fingers are curled in the back of Buck's shirt, and he curls them tighter, presses Buck closer. "Don't go," he says. "Stay here. With me."

"Okay," Buck says breathlessly. He looks like he has no idea what's happening, and Eddie knows the feeling, but they can talk later, figure it all out later.

"Good," Eddie says, and pushes his fingers into Buck's hair, pulls their mouths together again.

[radiant-reid]

Angel

Summary: Based on 14x09 where BAU!Reader recounts how working the case reminded her of Spencer's addiction

a/n: tbh this is trash, just trying to get some motivation back

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader (Fluff)

Content Warning: references to Spencer's Dilaudid addiction

Word Count: 1.1k

Masterlist | Navigation

There are flowers on the table. 

That's the first thing Y/n notices and the only thing out of place in their otherwise tidy house. Spencer's always been a clean person. 

The kid clutter- books, coloring pens, tiny shoes, the occasional Lego figure- that clutter, he's proud of.

Next to the vase is a bowl of pasta in a tomato-based sauce, and she guesses because of that, there's at least one child-size shirt soaking in the laundry with a stain on it.

"Hey, beautiful." Spencer makes her jump with his silent footsteps, followed by sudden voice. He touches her shoulders, massaging them softly. 

She turns around, placing a quick kiss on his lips. "Hey. Missed you."

He pulls her forward, resting his head on top of hers. "Missed you too. Glad you made it back safe." 

Things are different since the bureau mandated Spencer take time off as part of his reinstatement after prison. After the births of their three kids, Y/n stayed home, naturally, on maternity leave while Spencer continued going out on cases with the team. In between, and for most of their relationship and marriage, they worked at the BAU, spending almost every minute together. But this is different. Now, Spencer's the one that spends more time in DC, and in his 30 days not working at the BAU, he does an excellent job as a househusband. 

Y/n pulls back, admiring his features for the first time in days."Sleeping angels?" She checks.

He scoffs lightly. "Not so much." She raises her eyebrows, humored. "Water, bathroom, another story, you know how it goes."

She chuckles. "Oh, yeah, I've heard that song before."

"Love them, though." He adds. "Are you hungry?"

"Starving." She turns to the delicious-smelling pasts on the table while his hands stay on her waist. Spencer's learned a lot while being a dad but his learning to cook has been very rewarding for her.

They move to the couch, needing to be closer than they would be if they were sitting at the table. 

Her smile dimmers after she's complimented his cooking, and he's called her beautiful again. It's an easy difference in demeanor to spot for Spencer as a husband rather than a profiler. 

"The case?" Spencer guesses. 

Y/n takes a deep breath in and shrugs. "One like that wouldn't get to me usually." She tries to dismiss her feelings.

He catches it, having used the same technique many times. If it's bothering her, they're going to discuss it. "It was Tara's ex-husband that discovered a pattern?"

"Mm-hmm, uh, Daryl, he brought it to her, thinking there was an angel of death unsub killing people in the recovery community." She recaps, although he already knows from their discussion on the phone. 

Technically, he's only allowed to know the basic details, not offer advice, but as long as Emily doesn't officially know that the occasional case-solving tip comes from Spencer, it's okay.

"What was his vice?" He asks.

Tara didn't want to spill all the details, but Y/n had made a few assumptions. "Alcohol, drugs later, I think." 

"So why was this one more difficult than usual?" Spencer asks, frowning then it hits him. "Oh." 

Y/n feels a pang of guilt in her chest at Spencer's expression contorting. "No, I don't mean-" She pauses, not knowing what to say. Neither can deny that her feelings are connected to what Spencer went through.

"Comparing the victims to me?" He guesses again.

Her selfishness feels even worse than her guilt. "No. Tara had to give a heart-wrenching speech. And we were in very different situations, her and Douglas and you and I, but it made me think about that time." She tries to explain it.

Spencer understands, and he nods solemnly. "We never talk about that in relation to you." He realizes that it's something he feels guilty about.

"I don't like to talk about it." She shrugs. "Just hearing what Tara said struck a chord." She could feel Tara's pain through Emily's repeated words, and it was all too easy to remember the heartbreak of seeing someone she loved struggling.

Spencer takes her hand, squeezing it lightly. "We can talk about it whenever you want, you know?" 

"Not now." She shakes her head. "I missed you." 

He smiles softly, resting against the couch and spreading his arms out. Y/n rests her legs over his and tucks herself under his arm. "I missed you too." He kisses her forehead and holds her closer. Things feel better when they're all under one roof. "Y/n, it's really important to me that you know how much I appreciate you staying through that. You're an angel, you know?"

"Spence." She coos, touching his cheek softly and momentarily getting caught in his eyes. "It wasn't a hard choice to stay with you and support you through that. I love you, and I'll always be here for you."

He takes a deep breath in. "I love you too. I could talk about how grateful I am for you forever, you know?"

"I know." She laughs lightly, having heard those speeches from him more than once. It never gets less heartwarming.

Spencer shuffles slightly, reaching out to take something off the coffee table. She raises her eyebrows until a look of recognition takes over her features. 

"A photo album?" She asks curiously. "Why's that out here?" 

"It's our first." He explains as he opens it, tracing his finger over the cover page. "Tillie wanted to see it." He finds the page he's looking for, showing her a photo of them. 

Y/n grins, looking at it, remembering the exact second it was taken. "You look so little." She coos, touching the glossy picture of them. They're not much older than 25, fresh-faced, innocent, and dressed nicely. Spencer's smiling the adorable smile he still smiles today. It's stayed the same through every challenge they've faced.

"You've always been so beautiful." He mumbles, stroking her hair with his spare hand.

Her cheeks heat as she taps him on the shoulder. "Stop." She whines. 

"Never." He shakes his head. "You're gorgeous, and I'm going to make sure you know it. I have no idea how I got so lucky."

She chuckles, shaking her head. "I'm the one that got lucky, marrying a genius."

"I married a genius too," Spencer claims, and he pulls her even closer to him like there's any chance she wants to move.

"Can we just sit here a while?" She asks as she relaxes more into him. 

He leans down to kiss her forehead. "For as long as you want, angel."

[peachiieu]

Heyy, I really like your writting. You're really talented making these fanfictions/headcanons (or I don't don't know how to call them). Can you make "the ninja with sensitive reader". How would they deal with and treat them? Thank you for reading it! Have a nice day<33

the ninja with sensitive!reader

pairings: main 6 x reader (separate, ninjago)

warnings: insecurity, cussing, slight mention of violence

authors note: yayy first request!! sorry i haven’t gotten to this request quickly. thank youu, i’m trying to get good at writing and i love doing it :) i hope u enjoy, sorry this is so short 💗

word count: 1.1k

COLE BROOKSTONE

cole is probably one of the most understanding people when it comes to emotions

he’s somewhat a nurturing person and is proud to validate you and many people’s feelings

he tells you feeling more than others do is a gift although you don’t think it is, others are too apathetic and selfish

gives you ways to deal with disrespectful people in situations, walking away personally helps him and telling someone what they said made him upset so they can resolve it, apologies are shared

if someone offends you on purpose and it’s obvious, they insult you and continue doing it then he’ll confront them

“dude, what’s your problem?”

if you crave touch when you’re upset, he’ll cuddle with you in bed so you’re warm and feel loved in his arms, under the soft and fuzzy blankets

JAY WALKER

jay’s sensitive too, often becoming jealous and upset when you talk to other guys without him

it’s not that he doesn’t trust you, he just gets insecure sometimes

he can get a bit frustrated if you become worried about him talking to other girls, not romantically of course, but understands where you come from

if someone says something degrading to you, he’s immediately standing up for you and even starts talking crap about them and insulting them right in their face

constantly voices his love for you, shows it through every possible way you can imagine; touch, words, acts, time, etc

because he rants and talks quickly, most of the time he doesn’t realize he’s said something to hurt you until you start sniffling or your eyes are visibly red

immediately apologizes and feels bad, reassuring that you’re perfect and the only person he could ever truly love

KAI SMITH

kai gets nervous when he upsets you, if he says something rude he’ll apologize while stuttering, unusual of him

“wh— what, no, that’s not what i meant… sorry babe…”

he gets overprotective if anyone dares to say something slightly offensive about or towards you

right after someone disrespects you, his eyebrows furrow as he turns to them, a cold look on his face as he tries to intimidate them

“you wanna repeat that again?”

he’ll gladly beat that persons face in if you ask him to, only wanting you to feel confident in yourself and to have good self-esteem

mostly reassures you by telling you everything will be okay and that not all people in your life will be respectful, that some will be asses and there’s nothing you can do about it besides remove them from your life

in attempts to make you laugh, he insults the one who made you feel bad and kisses your cheek, rubbing your shoulder in a comforting way

LLOYD GARMADON

lloyd can be sensitive too because he gets insecure about things, so he understands exactly how you feel

he gets awkward when you’re in need of words of affirmation and reassurance but tries his best, he didn’t have much love when he was younger so he doesn’t have much experience with comforting others or being comforted

when someone’s rude to you, he’ll try to calmly talk to that person and tell them to knock it off but he’s secretly upset about it

the only reasons why he attempts to be as polite as he can with that person is because he believes in second chances and doesn’t want you to see him in a bad mood

he realizes when he’s said something to upset you and apologizes for it, says he won’t say it again and feels ashamed

helps you write things down and voice your emotions, tells you not to take what people say or do personally because they’re probably just having a bad day, it doesn’t validate their actions but lets you know they don’t necessarily have something against you

NYA SMITH

nya’s a bit sensitive but is good at hiding it, she doesn’t want others to worry about her and believes she’s fully capable of taking care of herself

she’s extremely protective of you and like her brother, won’t hesitate to go after anyone who disrespects you

although she gets impatient easily when things don’t go her way, she won’t back down until the disrespectful person apologizes and admits their wrongs

reassures you whenever you feel bad about being sensitive, tells you people are dickheads but you can’t control what they say or do

gives you hugs and kisses on your temples, saying she understands why you’re upset and that it’s okay

she’s such a loving person and cares so much, that makes her an amazing person but she doesn’t always know how to comfort you

what she knows how to do well is just be in your presence, not talking unless you want her to or if you want her touch

ZANE JULIEN

zane always tells you it’s okay to feel how you feel, you can’t control it, and you should be proud of being able to have feelings because there will be ups and downs in life

whenever you get particularly upset about something, he’ll make you your favorite comfort food and drink while you talk about your feelings

as he knows some people prefer emotional validation over logical ways to deal with emotions and scenarios and vice versa, he gives you both

helps you learn to walk away from situations if you don’t feel good about a conversation or how someone’s acting

if someone says or acts disrespectfully to you, he’ll either walk away with you or have a full-on argument with the person, depending on how upset you are about it

he thinks about what he says before he goes through and says it, sometimes not fully thinking it through and accidentally hurting your feelings

when he realizes he upset you, he apologizes and says he’ll do better not to hurt you next time the two of you talk

he’s overall really sweet to you if you’re upset, is surprisingly understanding with emotions, and always lets you know your feelings are valid

what he will criticize you about is how you act based on how you’re feeling, for example, if you’re sad and lash out at someone, he’ll talk to you so you can comprehend the full extent of your actions

[m1ssunderstanding]

Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 1.4

Oh, John. It's hard because I'm like “fame was not good for that man” but I'm also like “he would've gone crazy with self-loathing if he didn't have the fame.”

John and Paul start to answer a question at the same time. John: no, go on, you can say it. They're seriously so married. 

John's schoolboy flirting is cute, but what's more noteworthy to me is a) how happy Paul is to be shoved and b) how he instantly leans back into John. It's like they're bungeed together or something. 

John gets me. Look how much he loves Paul bringing out the forced confidence shield to protect him. He's so in love. So turned on. 

Here's my question about the death threats. Did the other Beatles actually receive them and tell Brian about them and keep them from John? Because that would be incredibly sweet and noble of them, but also, in that case, surely John received death threats too. Meaning he just didn't care about his own life and assumed the others were being left out of it because they hadn't actually said they were bigger than Jesus. Or did they have people filtering all their mail by that point? And Brian had been keeping the death threats from all of them? Because that could be interpreted as both protective and selfish of him. Does anyone know?

Again. I just love how Paul goes to bat for John over and over during this tour. Batting his eyes and playing with his hair and shouting down any and all criticism of John speaking his mind.

This moment is so telling to me. An interviewer who was up front at several concerts points out the looks and smiles between John and Paul which you can only see from the front and asks, “is it really that much fun every time?” The easy answer is, “Yeah. We like what we do. It's fun!” But Paul gets cagey. “Oh well the thing is you know with things like that it's probably…” and he makes up a bullshit story about messing up on a song they haven't performed in a year. Why do that if you don't have something to hide? (Even if you're subconsciously hiding) That right there is a tip-off for me that they're not normal about each other. 

Interviewer: are you guys breaking up? John, immediately and emphatically: No. Paul: "Depends what you mean by breaking up, you know . . . Because we can't go on forever like this, so we've got to think now and prepare for, you know, if it did happen. The time has come for us to break up, but we've realized the possibility . . . Of breaking up as a natural progression." Literally shut the fuck up right now, you're going to give John an aneurysm.

I understand. I know. I don't relate to Paul much but I do relate to his hyperactivity and his avoidant attachment. I make sure constantly that I'll be okay when all my relationships end. But you don't talk about that in front of the other person. Especially someone like John whose worst fear is being left. Come on. Think. 

See, now look what you did, Paul. Here's John's answer the next time they're asked about breaking up. 

And yeah, the klan being the ones to “stand up against the Beatles blasphemy” really proves my point from the last post I think. It's just masked racism. 

It actually seems like Paul's more vocally political at this point in time than John is. I wonder what happened to change that? Was it just the influence of their respective wives? Was it just easier for them to play up the roles they'd been assigned for the most part?

Okay on this round of “are you breaking up” they look at each other first before they answer and then Paul goes “all together probably.” I wonder if they talked about their previous answers together and admitted – however cautiously or however veiled – that hearing the other say they might leave hadn't been fun. Who knows, honestly.  

Paul and John often talk about making a radio show together apparently. Gosh if only they could've done that now. I'd make them my token white boy podcast. It'd be great. They'd be so lame and so adorable and they'd talk about recipes and politics and they'd gossip and rank other people's music. But anyway, what really gets me is the often bit. So they really did plan their post-beatle future together. Enough that it was a frequent topic of discussion between them. They planned to be together forever. 

Ugh it always guts me that Paul brought a girlfriend to Paris with him to meet up with John.

Okay my tin hat is glued to my head for this but. But. Hear me out alright? So John starts filming on 09/19/66. He's there for 6 &½ weeks. Putting the end at the beginning of November, right when Paul goes in disguise and alone to Paris. Do we have tabs on John for those dates? John just talked about going around Paris in disguise. What if  they met up by themselves and in secret? What then?

 No fucking wonder John was exhausted with him. Damn. He takes a month and a half to write strawberry fields, shows it to Paul, then...

Interviewer: the songwriting team will keep going whatever happens will it? John: yeah, we'll probably carry on writing music Forever. It's just so ‘Obviously. Might as well ask me if the sun's going to come up tomorrow.’

His friend – try dangerous drugs with and take home to daddy type “friend” – just died brutally and suddenly two days ago, and this is what he looks like and talks like and he's going in to work like it's nothing. I just. Compare that to John talking about Brian's death? Obviously two very different relationships but still… Paul's upbringing really fucked him up so hard. He thinks he's not allowed to be human. What can I say? It's a drag.

AKA the happiest 6 months of John and Paul's lives. 

I find it fascinating that Paul alone is asked to compose and record what would eventually become the carnival of light and that he just went ahead and included everyone in that. Really makes me wonder if he got a vibe off John that him doing the family way alone was hurtful or if they maybe even talked about it? Or maybe he just didn't like doing the family way without John.

Actually quite a lovely, forward-thinking, humble speech. Imagine being John, though. Watching that from home like “why the fuck is he philosophizing to the world without me?” Because you know John shares all those sentiments and might even have got there first. It would be infuriating.

“A lucky man who made the grade” is an interesting way to describe Tara and I can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with Tara being cool enough for Paul to associate with him. And Paul is many things but stupid is not one of them. He's going to at the very least wonder if this verse is about John laughing at his friend's death. Right? Like I know Paul's the repression CEO but seriously I don't think even he is that good. 

Maybe that Leopold and Leob quote isn't just about tearing people down verbally. Maybe Wooler genuinely got a vibe of a sense of superiority and therefore lack of empathy with Lennon/McCartney.

I mean he really does sound like he's describing sex though, doesn't he? Emotional, loving, romantic sex. Followed immediately by Paul's “I'd love to turn you on” lyrics and the “down with pants” and “sword swallower” pins. Alrighty then. 

What I would call my Beatles bio after watching this. "They Touched Dicks: The Only Logical Conclusion."

[kentuckyfriedmegumi]

i wrote an entire analysis on yuji's and megumi's parallels throughout the series

what i think is interesting regarding megumi's and yuji's characters and how they are made to foil each other is that we see from the beginning how their stories are intertwined. from their very first interactions we see them save each other and that sets off a catalyst in how they save each other throughout the series, which is both selfishly and impulsively.

like we see them act without thought, both acting for their own reasons for why they decide to save each other. yuji's selfishness is different than megumi's though, of course. we see him act in selflessness to the point that it becomes selfishness. he WILL sacrifice himself for the greater good, regardless of those around him that care for him, because he thinks that the only thing that matters for his life is that he saves as many people as he can. this comes from the "curse" placed on him by his grandfather.

however, with megumi's selfishness, it comes from his own desire to live by his standards that he's placed on the world in his own twisted view of life due to his upbringing and life as a sorcerer. megumi doesn't think that everyone deserves to live the way that tsumiki and yuji do, and that's why he admires them so much. but this also ties into his self-imagery issues and how he thinks that he doesn't deserve to walk alongside him. this is where his self-destructive ideas come into play where he thinks that everything is fine as long as he can use mahoraga to save the ones he loves because his life doesn't matter as much as others.

we see this foil/parallel (i know this is an oxymoron, but they ultimately have differing beliefs while still acting in a similar fashion) grow between them throughout the series as the save each other and understand the other's struggles. megumi sees that yuji has gone through something after he's revived in chapter 33:

megumi: “itadori, you okay?” yuuji: “well, it’s a big job but i should be fine.” megumi: “no, something happened, didn’t it?” yuuji: “huh, what are you talking about?”

megumi can tell that something has been/is bothering yuuji, even after his insistence that he’s fine at this point, megumi has lost and mourned yuji, while yuji has lost and is mourning junpei.

there's also the classic scene in chapter 63, after yasohachi bridge where they both realize that yuji being alive means that curses are killing more people:

megumi: “don’t tell him.” yuuji: “hey! don’t tell fushiguro. don’t you dare tell him”

this is another instance of them trying to save each other/carry the other's burden as they act as foils. they both feel they are at fault for the deaths and while megumi doesn't regret it ("i never once regretted saving you"), yuji acts in a way that he feels is deserving of his life (in that he wants to "earn" his life because megumi saved him and he doesn't want it to be for nothing)

then of course we get to shibuya and yuji has his moment of giving up and feeling that he is undeserving of living because of the lives sukuna killed. he has his conversation with todo and he is able to pick himself back up, but he still feels like he needs to make up for every life lost. we see the parallel with megumi here in 256 where he tells yuji that he wants to give up. we expect him to get up right away like yuji did back in shibuya, but sukuna cuts them off and megumi doesn't fight back.

then of course their dynamic comes full circle as they both talk in 266, where yuji is able to relate to megumi in his grief and loss and tells megumi that he understands why he's made his decision. what i think is really beautiful about this chapter is that we probably expected the convo to go similar to yuji's with todo, where it's like "i know you're down now, but we must prevail!!" type stuff. but we don't get that with megumi and yuji because they understand each other at a very basic core level. we see yuji give him the choice to live or die as he tells megumi that he accepts him either way.

yuji and megumi are like yin and yang. they have very different motivations, beliefs, and ideals, but they ultimately work together and find harmony in their differences. i think the way that gege has written the two of them and their characters is really cool and it's that very reason why i'm so miffed that we don't get to see a true conclusion to their dynamic as far as this last chapter goes. i would really REALLY like to see a final, good, emotional conversation between the two of them because they deserve it.

[yousaucygirl]

So I watched Ride the Cyclone over the weekend, and OOOOUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH I gotta yap about these characters. (spoiler alerts for people who haven't seen it)

I'll start with Ocean. I feel like almost everyone either knew someone like Ocean or was Ocean. She comes off as overly ambitious, goal oriented, and selfish. And she IS. She starts out as someone you're meant to hate. I mean, she literally sings a song about how she's better than everyone else in the group, even standing on top of them in a human pyramid to show her superiority. But I loved Ocean in the end. Yes, she pressured the others (especially Constance) to vote for her because she wanted to be brought back to life, but she ended up sacrificing a second chance of life in the end. Because Karnak changed the rules, she won the game. Ocean could've easily taken her chance at life, but she realized that she had something she wanted to go back to. They all did except for Jane Doe. As badly as she wanted to live, death taught her to be happy with what she had in the end. She would rather something over nothing.

Noel is an ICON. He's a romantic. In his fantasy, he's a French prostitute in the post-war era. Monique is a tortured woman. She is slapped, thrown to the ground, and her heart is played with until she ends up playing with hearts hearts herself. Noel romanticizes this life. It's shown that he's always had a flair for the dramatic, but Monique is a direct manifestation of Noel's tortured heart. I also LIVE for his friendship with Mischa. Noel could never really fit in, and I don't think he ever wanted to. He mentioned how his mother always wanted him to be more like the other kids, but he's too passionate for that and he knows it.

Mischa is another very interesting character, and not because he's from Ukraine. His adopted parents literally locked him in the basement and only provided basic necessities. It's also clear that he wanted to go back to his home in Ukraine. He understands why his mother had to send him away, but that doesn't mean he didn't miss his home. His desire to go back only got stronger when he was dating Talia long-distance. We only get glimpses into the character's lives, but Talia was Mischa's light. She was the love of his life. Mischa is a genuinely kind person despite his gangster persona, and though he misses Talia, singing her name over and over, is willing to not vote for himself.

Now THE swinging space age bachelor man, Ricky. I think death was the best thing for him. In death, he can speak. He can walk without crutches. All of the effects of his disease are reversed. I only say it's the best thing for him because he most likely thinks the same thing. After his song he takes his name out of consideration for voting. Part of that is because he can't vote for himself and believes that the others are more deserving of a second chance, but he also enjoys the freedom that death gave him. I love you Ricky Potts.

Jane Doe is the most mysterious character of the play and also my personal favorite. She has a lot of funny moments, but everything about her has an undertone of sadness. The others avoid her in the beginning. They don't really view her as a person (Ocean literally refers to her as a super freaky monster). She's a walking existential crisis. She has no memory of her life. Everything about her was gone once she lost her head. To me, the doll head she wears is a representation of what she's longing for. She wants a face of her own. She wants her identity. Until her song, the others avoid her because she's a reminder of what they could have lost in addition to their lives, plus she's creepy (having no head literally took away her balance, so her movements add to the horrifying nature of her character). After her song, the others realize just how much she lost. She knows how she died, but not who she was. The New Birthday Song is one of my favorite scenes in the show. It shows the others reaching out to her. They're trying to console her. Even Ricky lets her have the name Savanah (with the greenest eyes). We find out she's Penny Lamb in the end, but her name is really all we directly learn about her.

Constance is also a deep character. On the outside, she's the nice girl. She loves her friends, family, and has pride in her town. This stuff is true. But she also has a passionate side. She wants a lover and wanted to lose her virginity, which she ended up losing to a carnie. She tried to blend in, hiding her love and the things she was passionate about. She was made to feel ashamed for so much in her life. She was so self-conscious in life, to a point where a lot of viewers could find it relatable. It took death for her to accept that she loved her life, that she loved her family and her town. She misses all of the small things, but she's glad she had them in the first place.

Anyways this is what my brain is fixating on right now.

[yandereducktales]

Hi hope you're doing well, I was wondering if you could do hcs about romantic yandere H, D, L, and Webby. And like the rest of the McDuck/Dick family supports them? Srry if that's too much. But I love your work😊

Oh ?

Dewey Duck

Oh, he's so in love

He's dazzled by you. You're just- wow

Every time he looks at you, it's like he has stars in his eyes

You met on one of the McDuck many adventures

The boys had noticed you with your uncle- Flintheart Glomgold

Ahh, forbidden love <3 [He loved Romeo & Juliet]

He can't approach you with Scrooge and Glomgold around, so he waits until you're by yourself

"Um... Hi-" He awkwardly calls, causing you to look at him confused. You instantly recognize him as one of Scrooge's nephews

"Oh, uh- Hi?" You tilt your head, a little confused on why he was talking to you.

He tries to speak, but it's like his tongue is tied. God, he feels like an idiot

Before you can ask him what's wrong, your uncle appears and reprehends the young boy

You don't see him until a few weeks later- At the arcade

He was with Launchpad, but he ditched him when seeing you on the dance game

He joins you and you recognize him

"Oh, hi again. Uh, Huey right?"

"Actually it's Dewey." He's a little disappointed that you don't know his name, but then he remembers he didn't give it to you, so you probably asked about him and that thought made him happy.

"Oh, sorry Dewey. My name's Y/n."

"Well, Y/n, it's nice to meet you."

"You, too." You chuckle

And that's how your friendship starts

You both like to sneak off when your uncles are fighting

He tells you about trying to find his mother and you try and help him

Whenever you come across something that could help him, you give it to him

When his mother comes back, he wants to introduce her to you

"You have to meet them, Mom. You'll love each other. Y/n's great!"

He wants you two to get along so bad

Dewey knows you two are meant to be and sometimes he can't get you out of his mind

Or his mouth. He's always talking about

Everyone's kind of sick of it

They think when you both start dating, maybe it'll stop- Oh, how wrong they are

Huey Duck

You were at a woodchuck meeting and you were new, so Huey clocked you fast

He wanted to help you, but he gets entangled with you

You share a lot of the same interests, hobbies, and ideas

He feels like someone finally understands him

And you feel the same

You two are like two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly

You even finish each other sentences

His brothers [Louie] think you're both losers, but you don't care, because you have each other

He didn't even realize he had a crush on you until someone else pointed it out

"Yeah, they're cool. Yeah, I think about them a lot. Yeah, they're amazing- No, I don't have a crush on them, I just think they're perfect in every way possible"

You'd have to confess first, because it doesn't look like he's going to be confessing anytime soon. He's heavy in denial

He's flabbergasted when you admit you have a crush on him

"Me? You like me?"

You're a little scared at first, but he's over the moon

Louie Duck

You've met on multiple occasions, but nothing that ever stood out to either of you

You have nothing in common- Well, that's not entirely true, but the more defining personality features are vastly different

When you first meet him, you think he's selfish, lazy, mean, underhanded, manipulative- you get it

He thinks you're different than him. He's never really met someone like you, but he doesn't really give most people a second thought

You're nice and helpful. You want to make life easier and for everyone to be happy

You weren't selfish- You cared about other people

He found that not only annoying, but he thought it was a facade

There was no way that you cared about other people above yourself

People like that didn't exist

Everyone was always looking out for themselves. You must have been faking it

Though, after he stalked you learned more about you, he realize this truly was who you were

You really did want a Utopia and you believing in 'You have to take the first step to change'

He wants to impress you, but you see right through is lies

He wants to change for you- Be nicer- which makes him sick

Though, he really does start to try. The more time he spends around you and the people, he realizes that these people are just like him- Just not rich

You're impressed when realizing he has changed. Maybe not by a lot, but a little is a good start

You become friends and he's glad that he's made you happy

He likes you being happy

Oh my god, he has a crush on you-

He tries learning more about you so that he can come off as someone you should date

Knows your favorite color, parents' names, favorite food, favorite number, your ideologies etc

His family notices he's changed- He's like a completely different person

They have mixed reactions

"Where is my brother and what have you done to him!?!?!!" Dewey shakes his brother when seeing his brother give money to someone

"I think it's great," Huey comments, "Whatever's happened, it's a good thing."

Dewey thinks Louie's an alien or shape-shifter... That is until he meets you

"Oooh! Louie has a cru-"

Louie quickly elbows his brother, his face a bright red

"Shut up-"

You invite Louie to hang out at the movies after working and he's quick to pick up your offer

As you're both leaving, you share a moment and a kiss

Louie's eyes are wide and his face is a deep red

"Wow."

You blush, before waving him off, "Bye Louie. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah.... Tomorrow."

Webby Vanderquack

You think she's rather strange

But she's super fun

You met while she was checking out the city

She had accidentally bumped into you

You meet on several occasions and each time she approaches you

She always starts a friendly conversation with you

She really likes you and tries to impress you a lot

She's very outspoken and tries flirting but it never goes well, even when you start dating

You find her charming though

You asked her out and she was thrilled. She couldn't believe that you liked her back

You always have a fun time with her, no matter what you do

[musical-chick-13]

The thing is, when OCD Brain™ goes "morality is complicated" it's not exactly from the standpoint of "I have no idea what the concepts of Good and Bad are." It's more, "I know what my values are, what I consider the concept of 'Good' to be, but I perceive so many things as being antithetical to that concept of 'Good', and I don't know how to sort the Actually Antithetical ones from the Stuff My Brain Worries About Unnecessarily ones, so I spend my life trying to atone both for mistakes I HAVE actually made and for things that no one other than me would consider a 'mistake' in the first place."

Because it's better to be sure, right? If there's anything that could be interpreted as malicious or harmful or selfish or Not Doing Enough (regardless of how much you would have to stretch the definitions of those words to make that actually be true), then better counteract and avoid and whatever-else all of those potential things.

An example of this I usually use when trying to explain all this is the discussion regarding alcohol and consent. All of the people I've met who have this illness (including me), understand that, if someone is under the influence, they cannot actually consent to something--an agreement, a contract, a sexual encounter. If someone is drunk and, therefore, does not actually have full possession of themselves and their mental faculties, something they say or do that might seem like an expression of consent cannot be taken as one. Because, due to those outside circumstances (i.e. the aforementioned "Not Truly Having Self-Possession" and "Something directly interfering with someone's ability to make decisions") consent cannot be considered freely given. Very few people are going to dispute this.

Where OCD might (and frequently does) come in is that many other, not-OCD-having people will, for example, mention going out to a bar and sharing a drink with someone before hooking up with them. Or discussing things during a business dinner where there might be a glass of wine involved. True, these people may not be drunk, but the way alcohol affects the human body is going to be different for every person. Some people might be affected by a little amount of alcohol, even if they don't realize it. Some people have a very low tolerance for it, and there's not really any way for you to know for sure. This is further complicated by the fact that alcohol might stay in your system for a little while. How long does it take for the effects to wear off and you aren't in that state of vulnerability anymore? Again, that will be different for every person, and you have no way of knowing this.

For someone with OCD, the way around these questions might become, "Don't accept any kind of agreement at all (to a contract, to a business arrangement, to sex) from someone if any alcohol has been involved in any way during the hours leading up to that agreement." But if someone lives their life by this particular rule, plenty of people (if not most of them) are going to say they're being over-worried or ridiculous or silly or stupid. Some form of "you're overreacting" (or, in particularly unfortunate cases, "you're crazy/inhuman/authoritarian") will usually be the response from people who don't suffer from this illness. And you don't know why that's the response. You don't know why people don't agree with you. (And in this particular case, I still don't. It's been 30 years, and I still genuinely do not understand why this is the reaction I get.)

And it can be like this in every case. We know germs are bad and that you should be cautious in how you handle them, so people don't get sick. Better make sure to clean everything [a specific overly-complicated way, an inordinate number of times, for a really long amount of time]. You should take responsibility when you hurt people, so why not apologize for everything you do, just to make sure.

Children are a particularly vulnerable and disenfranchised group of people, so why not go out of your way to avoid them, to make absolutely sure you don't make their struggles worse? (<-I'm actually wondering if the recent uptick in "There's no reason for an adult to talk to a child/teenager they aren't related to or teaching" discussion is coming from.)

Obviously abuse is bad, so to make sure you don't do that, you need to punish yourself/do compulsions to atone if you ever so much snap at someone out of irritation or have an argument with them. After all, one mistake could pave the way for more. The only way to be absolutely sure you don't turn into a bad person is to never do anything bad, or erase the times when you do make mistakes. Wishing violence on someone and actively wanting to hurt them is bad, so if you get intrusive thoughts about that (even if you. you know. don't want those thoughts. because they're intrusive.), then you need to do everything you can at all times to make sure that doesn't somehow develop into actually hurting someone. Bad patterns of thought can inspire bad patterns of actions!

(And plenty of people don't even understand the nuances of that last one because we are living in a time where so many people genuinely believe that thoughtcrime is a real thing.)

It's not that OCD erodes your moral code or makes it impossible to have one. It's that it tells you all of these things, many of which you cannot possibly sustain, are necessary actions to uphold that moral code. It's that you know what "bad" is, but you interpret most or all of the things you could ever do as contributing to the "bad." And if this illness is convinced that every single action you take is "bad," then that means there is no realistic way to actually be "good."

[utilitycaster]

Hi!!! I sent in the message about erathis when I was mostly delirious from sleep dep and clearly losing it - forgive me for not actually articulating what I wanted to ask you 😭

What I was trying to ask is

1) how you interpreted that moment from erathis and if anything in particular stood out to you

And 2) ask if you yourself had any thoughts on the tensions between the goddess of law and civilization working in a way to strike down a bastion of civilization and how this will play out

They’re still pretty open-ended (skill issue I’m sorry) but I really like your approach to the gods so still wanted to ask

So for 1, It's hard to pick. One part is the initial line of "no excuse nor remorse." The thing I have always loved about lawful alignments, paladins, and that general vibe is that to me, conviction is not a belief that one is doing an objective, blameless Righteous Act. It is a belief that one is doing the act that needs to be done, for whatever combination of reasons exist, and shouldering any consequences that result from it. I said this last week and I said it before but I find few things more loathesome than a shirking of one's obligations. This is why I actually find it so repulsive when people are like "but my favorite character has TRAUMA and so everything they do isn't their fault" as some sort of defense; I think people who do not take responsibility for their actions are the lowest of the low. Instead of saying "this is a messy, flawed person who fucked up, and interesting things can come of it" you're saying "this is an outright monstrous void of selfishness and harm, who takes endlessly and never gives, anyway why are you so mean to them."

I also of course love that she expresses her love for Melora and regret that she cannot be there, and I think the part about parallel lines converging and that she did have to break a promise - and that their obligations to mortals may do as much or more harm is ultimately the crux of the entire story. The point is that there is no solution that does not do immense harm to a huge number of people in that moment; and that doesn't simultaneously have endless unfolding consequences that will continue to do harm, and the "no kindness in trepidation; no love in faltering" essentially says "don't draw it out, there is no perfect solution and trying to find it will cut off your options to less harmful imperfect solutions as opportunities pass you." For all I love Trist and Ayden I think it's important to understand that never setting, as Erathis says, lines, can lead to someone's ruin. I don't think you have to be cruel to be kind, but I do think you have to be willing to be seen as cruel when you are being firm to be kind.

2. I've felt pretty sure The Emissary's role is to create the stasis bubbles from the start (and guessed that the stasis bubbles were perhaps divine in nature even earlier), so that is I think how she is squaring it, less than ideally but as best as she can. She mentions justice, and I think on some level she is striking down the city as a collective and trying to save as many individual lives as possible in sort of a divine paradox of tolerance. I think she's essentially saying, again, that there's no good option.

When she mentions justice and drawing lines, I do think of the story of Aeor. I think it's worth recalling that the cultural story of Aeor, such that it exists in modern Exandria, is that it was struck down by the gods (with little other information). As others said, the image this evokes has always been that of immense divine powers unifying and throwing it into the arctic. Last week I mentioned that I think it's rather presumptive to assume the gods here think of themselves as victors, and not merely survivors, and I think Erathis realized this before anyone else, and that she intends to control this narrative. If you strike down a city, freeze a number of its people, but make the story say "If you attempt to kill the gods, you shall be ruthlessly destroyed by both Prime and Betrayer alike" it might give others pause (note that this is prior to the Divine Gate). I think that's also part of it; culture is a part of civilization and that story is at least partly under her domain.

[bbanghiitomi]

| silver lining

synopsis: how does one get another chance to have the love of their life back to their arms? hanni loves you, but you are so hard to love — and so hard to forget.

— nonidol!vballplayer!phanni × nonidol!fem!reader

└⁠(⁠ ⁠＾⁠ω⁠＾⁠)⁠」└⁠(⁠ ⁠＾⁠ω⁠＾⁠)⁠」└⁠(⁠ ⁠＾⁠ω⁠＾⁠)⁠」└⁠(⁠ ⁠＾⁠ω

"oh that's weird, y/n doesn't come here anymore." minji mutters as she looks around the court, darting her eyes for the familiar figure of a student who usually sat by one of the bleachers, with her books — watching from afar. hanni sighs a deep sigh, letting go of the volleyball, watching as it bounced around the court, the sound echoing inside the almost empty hall. hearing your name threw hanni off, but she's not one to let her friend know. it's been almost 3 months since you haven't been here to watch the team's practice. hanni has accepted that you will also not be here for the next few months.

hanni needs to get herself used to no sight of you, it's her fault anyway. she had a hard time realizing your importance to her life, her volleyball career and her studies, and you're not even the one helping her — it's just that, hanni loves your presence, it eases her mind amidst pressure. but oh well, she had to fumble the only one who truly loves her. even hanni herself doesn't know why she fucked up real bad, it's just her asking for assurance, something — she doesn't know, hanni wanted to know what she really means to you but in the end it led to the two of you growing apart from each other.

you said it, you love her — you really do, you watch her during her volleyball sessions, support her studies, activities and stuff, even hanni knows how much you love her. she doubted yeah, that's her fault, hanni admits that. how can she be assured if you're so scared to tell everyone? yeah, you're not ready that's why and she's been selfish to not understand why.

it's also been almost three months since you last talked to her. it's already tearing her apart and she's not brave enough to admit that. she missed talking to you, whether it's about the season, the upcoming rains, school, the world or like — anything! even about global warming, or the 4th dimension. why'd she have to push you away? why did you have to let go?

now she's lost in this deep void, missing your smile and such, your voice, hugs, the smoothness of your hand — your gazes, even the way you dissociate when she's talking to you, it's cute. it's only now she's realizing that a part of her life revolves around you.

"do you know why she's not here anymore?" minji asks, and they walk their way over to the bench, grabbing their bottles and towels. hanni knew, obviously, but she also respects your privacy, your secrets, including your relationship with hanni. "i don't know." she shrugs, burying her face in the soft towel and oh — god it smells like the fabric conditioner your mom uses.

hanni peeks at her friend, who seemed lost, a different kind of lost, maybe confused?

"why did you ask?" hanni asks back, holding the towel with a grip. minji looks at her friend and shakes her head, turning her back for her friend to see instead of her face. "i don't know, just curious. she's always one of those people who watched but she just disappeared and hasn't come back since." yeah, you're always present, doesn't matter if it's training or the actual game, as long as hanni's present, you are present. like a buy one take one package.

hanni ignores the bubbling acid inside her stomach, realizing it's just not her who acknowledges your presence.

"oh well, she probably got tired of watching and has been somewhere else." hanni mutters, walking away from her friend with the towel that smells like you.

the towel with your scent is one thing, but the pens, notes, books and papers of yours inside hanni's room, is a thing… they're scattered everywhere in the room, the drawers, cabinets, and every little corner of the room screams… you. you've left so much in her room, haven't come back for it since then. hanni doesn't know when that day will come, probably never.

hanni starts to fear that you guys are losing touch, it feels like she doesn't exist to you anymore — if there was something she could do about it, just to be able to salvage this relationship, she'll go through hell just to do it.

it's really frustrating, she's still deeply in love, missing your warmth next to her — being on this bed isn't the same without the other piece of her puzzle, cuddling with a lifeless pillow doesn't give her the satisfaction like your breathing on her ear does. your weighted blanket seems to make her situation worse, with the remnants of your existence, a role in hanni's life — still intact with her, how is she supposed to let go?

when are you planning to come back?

hanni still hopes that there is still a chance, pick up the broken pieces and put them all back together.

god that sounds pathetic and stupid.

"where are you going?" the libero asks, hanni's eyes glances at minji's scurrying figure, eagerly stuffing her things inside her bag — a focused look on her face. minji doesn't answer, but only for a while as she regains her posture. "somewhere — the library." her voice seems in a hurry, hanni raises a brow, to judge.

"library? what are you there for? to hit on a girl?" hanni lets out an airy laugh, minji is silent, and makes hanni stare at her friend who sheepishly laughs. "no? no, not really. i went there to start reading books." hanni squints her eyes at her friend and leans in to inspect her face. "bro i know you're lying!" hanni frowns at her friend who shook her head.

"i don't care bro! i literally am there to read."

it was silent, hanni continues to stare down at her friend, who she knows must be lying — like they've been friends for more than 5 years, there's no way she wouldn't know.

well yeah maybe minji likes books but… a literature club? who would waste their time there? hanni can't even think of any people who would be willing to sit there for hours reading books,

maybe…

except for —

you.

"alright bro! i like a girl there, happy? but i won't tell you, can't risk you ruining my chance." minji pulls the strap of her bag and makes her way out, hanni tries to catch up but fails to even get to the exit of the gym. "hey!"

"don't even try catching up!" minji yells, her deep voice echoing inside the court.

hanni must have forgotten no one except the two of you and your friend knew about your relationship, hanni and you kept it a secret, both of you agreed. you can vividly remember how you explained the reasons as to why it's hard for you to reveal the relationship, life, status, family shit and bla bla bla…

hanni literally agreed, because she cared for you, she knows how hard your situation is — you love her really, but apart from her immense popularity that will get you in trouble, your parents are tough. the kind who doesn't want anyone ever involved with you, the kind who wants you buried under piles of books and studies.

oh how dead hanni would be if they found out.

so, when hanni complained about the lack of labels — lack of transparency between your relationship with her, you were beyond confused, because you expected her to know better, to fully grasp as to why you both needed to keep everything a secret.

it frustrated you too, there was no way to fix this — unless both of you come to talk and agree about one thing: you still love each other even after that argument.

but here's the glaring contradiction, how are you going to approach her? how is hanni supposed to approach you?

you have too much pride in your chest, and so does hanni — like, who knows how hard it is for one of you to come up and tell the other how much they've missed each other.

it's not just like asking how is the weather, what's the temperature today, is it raining? is there homework? this is way too hard.

who knows how long you've been dissociating, you don't even realize it until a hand touches your shoulder. you shot your eyes open and look behind to see minji, hanni's friend — the tall girl smiled at you and sat beside you.

you smile back at her, your palm touching your cheek, trying to feel the sudden rise of temperature your body emits. you sigh, to which made minji tilt her head. "what's the matter?" she asks, you lock your eyes with hers and shrug.

"i don't know either, to be honest." you look away, footsteps are heard towards their way, another person sits in front of minji, it's danielle marsh — your friend and a co-member of the literature club. danielle smiles widely at minji's direction when their eyes meet. you are busy staring at nothing but thin air, minji feels her cheeks light up and she looks away to catch her breath with how danielle stole it.

you sigh deeply, looking out at the window not too far from you, your friend danielle notices your mood and reaches her hand to you. "hey y/n, what's up? still sad?" she asks, books of all genres are neatly stacked on the table.

y/n taps her fingers on the table, she refuses to look back at danielle, clearly bothered. "i don't know, i'm just down. i think." minji looks at you and at your friend, seeing as she is as bothered as you are, yet she can't really interfere as it's not her business to meddle with.

"it's okay y/n, eventually we'll find a way to fix your sadness! for now, i think it's best to let yourself rest and stop thinking of anything so serious." danielle raises a book to her face, minji smiles. "i recommend reading more books!" danielle beamed.

"are you going to the library again?" hanni asks as she watches her friend walk past her. minji looks back and bobs her head, with a serious look on her face. "yeah, why?" hanni turns around, then back to minji. "for what though?" hanni asks.

minji shrugs, "to read, duh?" hanni walks over to her friend and holds her friend's wrist. "i'm gonna come with you." hanni tightens her hold to her friend's wrist and pulled her, leading them to the library where minji tried to pull her hand away. "bro what are you doing?!" minji complains, but hanni is stubborn enough not to listen, dragging her friend.

"you're not a part of the club!" minji reminds the girl, her brows furrowing, shooting sharp glares towards hanni's back. "i will be then!" hanni's persistence leads them inside the library where minji keeps her mouth shut. looking around, hanni sees danielle — her ex's friend, hanni takes them to the shared table, where danielle and her eyes meet.

danielle kicks your feet under the table, and you look up to give her a glare. "look!" danielle whispers, you turn your head to see hanni and minji together. you immediately scramble to look away and back to the pages of the book you lock your eyes on the sentences, your mind out of focus.

minji pulls her hand from hanni's grip and points to the seat beside danielle. "you sit there, i will sit beside y/n." minji whispers, hanni nods, sitting beside danielle, across minji who sat beside you.

minji notices your focused look, staring so hard at your book, but not turning the pages. "hey, is there something wrong with the book?" minji whispers, her face close to yours. hanni's presence makes your cheeks flush, but the short girl mistook it as your reaction to minji's face close to yours.

danielle looks nervous beside hanni, a book in her hands, witnessing the tension unfold in front of her. "you're not gonna read a book?" danielle asks, hanni shoots her eyes at danielle and scrambles to reach a book and start reading, peeking at minji and you from time to time.

she squints her eyes when you smile at minji, and when minji chuckles at your reaction.

there is no way right — that you are the girl minji is making moves at?

it's not too impossible, that's the bad thing.

minji looks at her friend everytime hanni scoffs under her breath. "bro what's up with you?" minji mouths at hanni's direction, looking at you and danielle who are both occupied with the books in your hands.

hanni ignores her friend and covers her face with the book.

"are you coming with me again?" minji asks, not bothering to look at her friend who follows behind her as they walk on the busy street on the way home. hanni looks at her friend and asks, her shorter legs trying to catch up to her tall friend.

"for what? we don't have volleyball practice for today and there's no library meeting." hanni runs to minji's side, her eyes twitching when she sees the bright signature grin plastered on minji's face. minji looks at her friend while they walk past buildings. "oh i forgot to add you to the group chat, danielle said she wants to make adjustments to attract more students to join and will hold a meeting at a cafe."

hanni scoffs at her friend. "oh wow thanks for informing me."

minji laughs and nudges her friend. "bro, don't be jealous, you're still my best friend." hanni sees an unusual happiness on minji's face, and she pouts. "why are you so happy all of the sudden? it's not like the coach praised us yesterday." hanni watches as minji puts her hand on her mouth, giggling, her cheeks flushed the same shade as a ripe tomato.

"i'm just excited." hanni glares at her friend, remembering how sweet you were with minji yesterday, your hand on her shoulder, arms basically touching each other. oh how nice, it's only between you or danielle who this idiot might be liking.

hanni still loves you, and this causes her to get jealous.

but also because she also loves minji, her one and only best friend.

ugh, why did you have to keep your relationship with hanni as secret even to her friend? now minji has no freaking idea and is probably crushing on her friend's ex, which is very not so minji.

"really?" hanni deadpans.

minji widens her eyes and smiles so bright, basically beaming at hanni's solemn face. "of course! i'm starting to love reading! and you know…" minji's gummy smile blinds hanni, she watches as her friend stops walking and scratches her nape. "you don't even participate in reading in our literature class." hanni states, biting her inner cheek, minji rolls her eyes playfully. "oh, i hate mrs. jung." hanni laughs.

they stand in front of a flower shop, minji notices when she turns her body around. "oh, a tulip!" minji locks her eyes at a white tulip, hanni feels her heart stop.

oh my god, that's your favorite flower (basically because that is also danielle's favorite flower), you're pretty simple, really, whatever danielle loves — you love it! you are basically attached to the hip, just like minji and hanni.

"w-what about it?" hanni laughs nervously, minji turns her head to hanni with flushing cheeks, and shakes her head. "nothing." it's silent for a minute or two before minji points at it.

"you used to buy those, right? i never really saw you give it to anyone." minji muttered, hanni bites her bottom lip and looks around, pointing at herself. "oh really? yeah… my aunt — she loves tulips, you haven't met her right?" hanni grins at minji, looking like a troll.

minji nods and smiles. "i also know someone right now who also loves white tulips." she whispered, enough for hanni to hear.

oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no…

"oh really?" hanni smiles, the corner of her lips twitching. minji laughs and shakes her head. "just kidding." hanni does not know if minji is genuine or the world is just beating her down.

oh please let it be the latter.

when they got inside the cafe, hanni's eyes immediately landed on your figure sitting on the chairs with a book. you look really peaceful, beside your serene expression, your seat basically provides the best view of the land outside.

"danielle!" minji waves her hand at danielle and approaches the table with hanni trailing behind. danielle is busy with her laptop and looks up to smile at the pair. "oh hi guys!" she beams. you look up from your book and meekly speak. "hi."

hanni sits beside minji, in front of danielle and props her hands on the table. minji looks at her friend to see if she's sitting and nods when their eyes meet. "hey, we're not late aren't we?" minji asks, raising her brows at the two girls on the other side. danielle shakes her head and giggles. "nope! perfectly on time! as expected." she smiles.

minji grins, hanni watches your movements, as your eyes lock at minji while she speaks. "great! we can discuss what's going to be our plan!"

everyone comes to an agreement and they'll be putting up posters on the bulletin boards around the school, and will be posting on their shared blogs to attract students.

you identified that reading has been the current trend of students around your ages noawadays, it's best to create book lists or recommended books of different genres, while reviewing it for more students of their school to see.

with the help of jang wonyoung, the student council's president (friends with hanni and minji), girlfriend of the school volleyball team's captain (ahn yujin)— your club could get the traction needed to boost the application of new club members!

"okay, so we just need wonyoung to convince students to join." minji mutters, standing in the middle of the corridor beside her friend. "well yeah, pretty sure it'll work — i mean, she's popular and there's pretty much lots of advantages to being a part of the club." hanni shrugs, flipping the flyers.

"uh hey, are you guys part of the literature club?" a meek, shorter (but taller than hanni) girl asks, looking at minji with two books cradled on her arms. hanni blinks, from afar she sees a taller girl catching up. "jesus! haerin-unnie you didn't even wait for me!" the girl huffs and glares at her friend.

minji nods. "oh yeah! we are, is there anything we can do to help you two?"

"i'm gonna join the club, i'm here to ask for an application letter to fill up." the girl, haerin stares at minji. the taller girl raises her hand, with a determined look. "me too!" haerin glares at the tallest girl. "this is a serious matter." haerin mutters. minji laughs sheepishly to try and calm the girl down.

"hey, don't worry, anyone can join. reading is for everyone and it's not bad to give it a try, right?" hanni shrugs, earning a nod from minji. "but… hyein said she's also joining the volleyball varsity team." haerin whispers, looking away.

hyein sighs. "but can i not join both — i don't want to leave you alone." minji smiles at haerin and waves two application letters. "it's alright, we're also part of the volleyball team. we can make it work." she says, haerin locks eyes with the older girl and gives her a nod.

after only a few days, the application went up to 7 new members. it led them to closing the application for a short amount of time only, until they are able to adjust some schedules for everyone.

"can you come with me for a bit? i need to buy something." minji waves her hand to gesture hanni to follow her, they leave the school building, thinking they're heading home hanni groans when she gets called. "what?" the shorter grumbles under her breath.

they walked towards the flower shop they once encountered before. hanni feels her stomach drop, a bubbling anxiety rising inside her when minji tells her to stay and enters inside the shop.

oh god, no please — no!

hanni, calm down…

no!

oh shit, uhm…

this is awkward.

minji comes back with three white tulip flowers in hand, neatly wrapped with colorful plastic and used newspaper.

oh come on dude!

is she serious?

hanni feels all her emotions inside arguing with one another, she watches as minji walks towards with her signature shy, gummy smile.

"oh, what's that for — bro?" hanni kind of cracks the last word, her breath sharp. minji laughs and pushes her friend's shoulder lightly. "you know, uhm… nevermind. i'll go back to school to give this to someone," minji's eyes lock with hanni's and they stare at each other before minji continues. "you can head home if you want."

what is hanni supposed to say?

a part of her wanted to oppose the idea, she has to know who that girl is! did minji ever felt like this before with her relationship with you?

now it all makes sense.

but at the same time — if that girl would be you, hanni knows she wouldn't be able to handle it.

oh she would be pulling her hair in no time.

"m'kay? i'll leave now." minji waves and walks away, hanni stands still, stuck — frozen in time as she watches her friend disappear.

danielle is giggling, ever since the classes started — you don't know why but… she's unusually happy today, well she is happy everyday, but today she's extra giddy.

the romantic type of giddy.

"something special coming up?" you asks her, flashing her a supportive smile — danielle giggles holding her books close to her, sighing dreamily, looking up like disney princess that she is.

"minji told me she wanted to meet me later at the school fountain." you couldn't help but laugh at your friend's blushing face, clearly in love. you nod, putting a hand on her shoulder before speaking.

"take care of each other, okay?" you tell her, danielle nods. "we will."

after standing there for almost 20 minutes, hanni has decided that she needs to make a run for it — a part of her is dying to know, it may seem really stupid of her but she's not just gonna stand there and wait, until she finds out later.

her shoes digs the ground before she starts dashing — a different kind of rush, the same she gets playing runs through her veins. with how fast hanni is running, the wind blew against her face harshly, her hair flowing behind her gracefully. people stare at her, as she runs so fast, accelerating with every second that passes.

she's not gonna lose you, ever again.

you walk the empty hallway, trying to ease your mind as you wait for your friend to come back. a lot had happened in the past few days, you still haven't had the courage to come talk to hanni again. it must be really that hard, you don't know what hanni might be feeling, if she's still in love with you the way you are with her.

is there really no chance anymore?

your steps are light, as if there are cracks under your feet, your eyes are fixed to the empty hall — wishing there's some kind of anything to help you relax your mind.

you hear harsh steps, like someone was running, you squint your eyes to the end of the hall, where there's a turn to the right and left and there you see someone, bending down to try catching their breath, hands on their knees.

you walk closer, and a little faster and as you get closer it becomes clear — it's hanni!

"hanni!" you shout, your voice echoing on the walls enough for hanni to hear. not even a hundred meters apart, hanni looks up to see you, standing with your hands on your books.

her eyes widens, her pupils stills on your figure.

you're here.

hanni takes a deep breath and rushes to you, a smile creeping up her face.

and she realizes,

if you're here, and minji isn't.

then where is minji?

"why are you here?" you ask, looking at her. hanni puts a hand on her chest and heaves. "where is minji?" hanni looks up at you, you feel your shoulders stiffen and you shrug. "i don't know." you do know, but you didn't want to ruin her and danielle's moment together.

"did you get flowers?" you tilt your head with her questions, not understanding why she's throwing those at you. you shook your head. "no, why?" your eyes squint at her.

"minji didn't give you any?"

you furrowed your brows.

"why would she?"

hanni laughs, slapping a hand on her cheek.

you are still so confused.

what's up with her?

hanni groans and slumps her shoulders.

danielle isn't here…

"where's danielle?"

you shift your eyes away.

"with minji."

"o-oh…" hanni whispers.

oh,

oh!

oh my god! the white tulips! of course it's… it's danielle, geez…

hanni feels like an idiot, standing in front of you with her heart beating so loud it's hurting her ears. you look at her and sigh. "you're so weird today." you tell her, pouting your lips.

hanni laughs. "i'm sorry it's just that—!" she pauses, looking at you with her doe eyes, you blink — feeling your face warm up.

"...i'm still in love with you." hanni finishes.

you scratch your cheek and reply. "what does that have to do with minji?"

hanni wants to tell you, but it's too ridiculous.

"nothing, argh! y/n, i still love you even after everything. i know, you probably don't care about me anymore and that's okay, i just needed to get this out of my chest. it's bothering me so much no matter what time of day. i can't be beside you while feeling like i could've done something to save us." hanni shrugs, biting her inner cheek as she waits for your response.

you put your hand down and nodded.

"i understand. it's also my fault too, i admit to my mistakes and all the things i could've done for you. and no, you're wrong, i still care about you." you smile at her, you see her taking a deep breath and closing her eyes tight.

with a wincing expression, she opens one eye and looks at you. "d-do you still love me?"

you laugh at her face, feeling something bloom once again inside of you. oh, you still love her of course, she has never failed in making you love her.

you wipe the tear on your eye with an index finger. "of course i do, silly." you added. "i've always loved you."

that send electricity coursing inside of hanni, she opens her eyes and feels her blood boiling up to her face. hanni panics, putting her hands on her face, feeling the warmth spread in her.

"oh gosh, what do i do?"

you smile sweetly at her and look behind to see minji and danielle. hanni follows your line of sight, sees the pair walking past the hallway, until they both disappeared from the couple's line of sight.

you start walking and grazed your hand on hanni's arms before intertwining your fingers with hers. "i love you." you whisper before pulling her to walk with you.

hanni's face is fifty shades red, feeling your warm hand on hers.

this time it's sure, it's true and it's going to be better.

[fairuzfan]

It's the zionist concern anon again. I will say for now that with what you said about prioritizing Palestinians I do agree. The people going through a genocide are a bigger priority than people who are not going through a genocide. I just fear that due to the fact I am neither Palestinian or Jewish that I may end up embracing stances that I do not actually understand and that innocent people may suffer because of it. I do not want to be irresponsible. I am also someone who lives in a country built on stolen land, so that does to some sort of extent influence my feelings on Isreal as I imagine many people in Isreal share my thoughts on the fact we have lived our entire lives on stolen land. As I said before, I also do not know any Palestinians personally so I find it hard to know who I can ask about the history, Hamas, technical details of politics, etc without risking being taught the wrong things. On a much more selfish note, I also struggle with debilitating mental health issues that make it very difficult to navigate moral issues especially if the moral issues do not impact me on a personal level. So if I am being honest, my questions are not entirely selfless as I have very self-centered fears on if I am actually a horrible person. I thank you again for being so understanding, but I figure the right thing to do here is admit I am likely not as pure intentioned in my questions as I should be when a large factor to why I worked up the courage to ask is in hope I am worrying too much about my quality of moral character from a selfish perspective. Again, I thank you for being so understanding and willing to answer these asks instead of just brushing me off as a horrible zionist.

I don't think you're a horrible person at all I just think everyone has underlying zionist biases because it's a product of the society we live in.

And I do understand where you're coming from, honestly. Something that always helps me is remembering something that my parents taught me as a kid: always stand on the side of the oppressed. Now as I grew up I realized you have to define what oppression means and I think exploring that will also help you get a better understanding of how to combat other forms of racism/antisemitism/transphobia/etc.

If you do want to learn about hamas tho, I would suggest taking a look at Tareq Baconi, he has a lot of writings about the history of Hamas and he's Palestinian. There are also Palestinian podcasts and social media accounts. I understand that not knowing a palestinian personally to help you guide yourself through these things is daunting, but there are plenty of resources to help! It's why I'm here on this blog honestly, I don't mind you reaching out to me for questions or anything.

A good principle to remind ourselves with is "how can I ensure that justice can be had?" And to find the answer to that you need to look into multiple types of antizionist thought. Some blogs I like to check out for a diverse antizionist opinion are @el-shab-hussein and @bringmemyrocks as a couple of examples. Plus I'd look to Black American thinkers on antiracism (like Angela Davis and James Baldwin and Kwame Ture) because they do a good job of showing you how to examine your internal biases which we are all subject to.

I don't think this selfish to want to be a good person. I have the same worries. I actually do get worried that sometimes I'm *actually* a bad person secretly without me realizing and I reach out to friends and family to talk it out. Something that helps me through this is realizing that you have to forgive yourself for previous beliefs you've had and promise yourself to do better because at the end of the day youre human and you make mistakes.

But really my biggest advice is to read and listen to a variety of schools of thought and if you can, interact with local communities dedicated to antiracism. Even if theyre digital communities! That will help a lot with identifying any problem points.

Again, feel free to reach out with any questions. I don't think you're a zionist at all! Please don't worry and thanks for reaching out :)

[ssentimentals]

seventeen members as their natal charts: joshua

sun in capricorn, moon in taurus

patient and reliable, you can always count on him in times of need and he won't ever disappoint; this man works hard and plays moderately (not a fan of letting loose), very drawn to finest things in life as social status is important for him (just like being financially secure) and he seeks comfort both in places and people

when you hear a loud laughter at the background, you immediately regret calling him, cursing silently at yourself for being impulsive.

'sorry, love, couldn't hear that, come again?' joshua asks, speaking louder than his usual soft tone. 'wait, it's too loud here, let me get out.'

'it's ok, josh, don't bother!' you rush out, not wanting to disturb him. 'sorry i called, go back to your friends, it really is nothing!'

'wait-wait, i can't hear,' there's sound of door opening and then closing before he comes back to you: 'okay, a bit quieter here. hi baby, is everything okay?'

'yeah, all is fine, i'm sorry,' you're trembling but your voice comes out surprisingly steady. stupid anxiety decided to hit you at the most stupid time and out of habit you called joshua, cause he's the one who always managed to calm you down even through the phone.

'why are you apologizing?' joshua sounds confused and you can picture him frowning now. 'what's going on? is everything okay?'

lying to joshua is useless but you try anyway: 'everything is okay, i called you by mistake, sorry. go back to your friends, please, have fun!'

your boyfriend can notice even the slightest change in your voice, so of course you don't fool him: 'what happened? and don't lie to me saying that everything is okay, i can tell it isn't.'

lately nightmares started to plague you and josh knew about it, always being there for you to calm you down. it turned into a habit to call him whenever you wake up in cold sweat, but now you realized how selfish it might have been. not wanting to take his time off from his friends, you stubbornly persist: 'it really is nothing babe, i promise. go back to guys, say hi to everyone from me.'

there's beat of silence and then: 'i'm coming over.' joshua knows that you're going to feel guilty and bad for interrupting him, so he hastily adds: 'i was tired anyways and guys will understand, so don't worry. i'll be there in fifteen, do you want to keep talking on the way or should i hang up?'

the ideal variant for you would be to keep talking but you can't say it, already embarrassed enough as it is. joshua knows you though, knows you so well that you don't have to voice out your thoughts most of the time for him to know what you're thinking about. there's fond sigh on the other side of the phone and he says: 'it's gonna be a bit loud as i go back, just bear with me for a moment, yeah? why don't you get up and make yourself a cup of tea now, love? put me on a speaker.'

you're not sure how joshua does it, how simply hearing his soft voice calms you down and settles your anxiety. how his gentle coaxing gets you moving, how he always knows what exactly you need in any moment. 'i love you,' you whisper after he informs you that he grabbed his coat. 'a lot.'

he chuckles, running back to the car. 'i love you more, darling. i'll always be there for you.'

this man doesn't play games and despites anyone who does; a loverboy, he's sensual and romantic, someone whose love language is spoiling their partner rotten with material (usually very expensive) things; has trouble with unwinding, so someone who is collected and will help him relax/not be so strict is perfect for him

'josh, i...' you pause, momentarily distracted with light hitting diamond's surface, making it sparkle even brighter. gorgeous necklace in your hands stole your breath away and it's hard to find right words to convey all of your emotions. 'it's so beautiful,' you mumble in the end, already knowing what he's going to say next.

'not as beautiful as you,' joshua answers exactly the way you knew he would and yet your cheeks still burn with a crimson blush. 'do you like it?'

it's obvious that you do, but it's important for joshua to hear you say it; the immense satisfaction he feels whenever you utter those words makes him almost giddy with excitement to hear them. you meet his gaze through the mirror and he frowns; he doesn't like this expression on your face, the one where he can tell that you think this necklace is too much for you. he can't have you thinking this, not when he is sure that nothing in this world can ever be good enough for you.

'i think it's too m-'

'don't think,' he interrupts gently, not wanting to make you anxious. he gently helps you to put on the necklace and smiles at your reflection, admiring his gift. 'just enjoy, darling. you deserve all the finest things in life and i'm going to give them all to you.'

he sounds so determined that it makes you shiver, breathless at how much he wants to give you everything. this necklace is wonderful and while it is too much, you shut these voices down in your head, turning to face him. 'thank you, joshua,' you whisper, touching diamond pendant. 'i love it.'

joshua's smile at these words is so full of happiness and fondness that you can't help but smile too. 'you're welcome, love.' he leans in, kissing your forehead. 'it's just the first out of many, many presents. i want to give you everything you deserve.'

'you don't have to, josh,' you remind him simply because you can't not to do so. you know that he loves you without all of this, he makes sure you know this every single day.

he sighs. 'i know. but i want to.'

i'd give you everything if you just let me, he thinks to himself, watching you closely. you smile and his heart skips a beat, when you hug him tight, whispering how much you love him. anything for this, he thinks, hugging you back. anything for you.

a/n: hi god it's me again can i have joshua as a husband please?

tagging @prpldahy

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