#i don't think i am tired but i believe my dream of being an artist is now dead for the time being

[loser-brain]

just a tiny small vent. word count: 566

i can't art anymore or currently. I've recently been motivated to write again but art... that's something that I've been doing for so long and been wanting to do it as a full time job.

but with people that I keep meeting. that keeps draining me. I think my bucket for art that was once filled with so much love and passion, is finally empty.

the motivation to art is different from what I experience with burnout. I use to have the energy to make stupid little doodles that I love, cherish and would share, but my art have degraded so badly I am ashamed of it.

I want to find that flame again because I am terrified of my future. I've been working on my art skill ever since middle school being told my portfolio was advance but not quite there yet. working hard and learning how the animation industry works in high school and setting my eyes out to art Colleges or University.

finally getting in a institute of art that was top ten in the states but not only that but the area was a well know for movies to take place (fun fact, during my time at CIA a spider man movie was being made there).

but after repeated abuse from others and being drained constantly... I wish people saw me as human and not just a positive light in the tunnel. I'm sorry, but there are times where I can't be positive all the damn time. there are times where I fall into a deep depression and walk away from social media. I have few friends that understand that just because we don't talk for a month or so doesn't mean we aren't friends.

I am thankful to have those special people still in my life or people that I am reaching out again to have a small catch me up.

I have been unmedicated for years. I was suppose to be medicated for my deep depression and high social anxiety back when I was a teen but my mother, at the time, had a fear that it would 'alter my personality' and 'change me.'

i don't like going to the doctors because of her mindset have influence me. so I have been neglecting my health for years.

there is a chance that I may be diabetic. my iron keeps fluctuating again. my anxiety have gotten worse. my fear of large crowds and interacting with people have also gotten worse. my depression may have gotten worse again (i've been sleeping in mornings for I dread waking up at or around 9 AM. I used wake up around that time, now I don't.)

my head aches in pain.

the desire and dream to art again and live my life as a blissful ignorant girl is what I crave again. oh how I wish to fall back in time and tell myself, take a different path. you might remain stagnant but be happy still playing with your made up dolls and be in your made up world that is not reality creeping in.

the reality that I am facing, putting my dreams of being an artist to bed. it's the worse.

next year, i hope I get proper treatment and come back a new.

hopefully I can dig up the grave of my dreams and explore the joy of it all over again.

[aliceintheworld]

PURE ATTRACTION | JJK | TATTOO ARTIST

Pairing: TattooArtistJungkook X NaiveReader

Summary: " I shouldn’t be watching a man undressing, especially not from the house next door."

Warning: Fluff, kiss, impure thoughts, conversation about sex, masturbation, doubts and more doubts.

A/N: Here I am. As a thank you for all the wonderful comments, I will post two chapters today. (To be honest, I already have some stories in mind, but I want to finish Pure Attraction first, so I need to do it a little bit faster.) Keep interacting and voting. Don't forget: VOTE! It brings engagement and more motivation for the author!

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Chapter 8

I wave to my mother inside the car, as she reverses in front of our house and leaves, driving down the street of our neighborhood. Eunji works at a medium-sized company and travels a lot for a few months of the year, when she needs to present a new project. It's not new to me. I am used to being alone for some days; what makes me think, however, is Jungkook. I look at my neighbors' house out of inertia, seeing him at the living room window, reading some book. He notices me, opens a mischievous little smile, and waves, winking. My cheeks burn with his attention, and before I can embarrassed myself, in any way, I close the door and quickly step inside.

I still can't believe what happened last night. It feels like an unreal dream. If I didn't have marks and hickeys on my neck and breasts, I would have accepted that it was all a figment of my imagination and that Jungkook and I didn't end up together. I feel scared because I don't regret it and want it to happen again. I don't know where I'm getting myself into, and each time we meet, I sink deeper and deeper into this situation. I feel apprehensive because what I feel for him, I've never felt for anyone else. His kiss when he said goodbye, his dark and big eyes on mine... Just remembering it makes me shiver.

I start to organize myself because I need to take a look at the thrift store. It's been a while since I last went there, and I don't know how is doing. My day goes by quickly, and I return a bit earlier than expected because the movement wasn't very good. I attended to three customers, and only two of them bought something. I climb the stairs at home, tired and hungry, my stomach growling because I didn't even have lunch. I throw myself on the bed and close my eyes, not caring about the heavy clothes I'm wearing. I could sleep even in a costume, that nothing would disturb my sleep. I take off my sneakers with my feet and sigh, relieved to be home.

A few minutes pass when I feel fingers on my thigh, lifting my denim skirt towards my intimacy. I jump up, startled, when I see Jungkook on his knees on my mattress, his face close to mine. He laughs, noticing my surprise, doesn't say a word, and simply kisses me, brushing his lips against mine. I savor his taste in my mouth, silently asking him to deepen the caress and use his tongue with mine; however he pulls away, gives me a peck and another, before standing up completely.

"I could call the police." I joke, brushing the short hair from his face. The haircut is not much different from the previous one, but it makes him look more handsome, if that's even possible.

"I do everything with consent." He mocks, lying down beside me.

"I didn't give you any consent to come into my room. How did you get in?"

"The open window was very inviting. I couldn't resist." He shrugs, smiling.

"Why did you come here?" I raise my head, focused on his rosy lip when he pouts.

"I came to get you." Jungkook says, stretching on the bed. He lifts my right leg, caressing my skin. "And that's not a request."

"I don't even know where you want to take me." I comment, swallowing hard. I laugh a little, feeling the tickles from the tips of his fingers. "And I'm tired. I worked at my mother's store and at the library. And today is Tuesday. I'm dead."

"Your mother went traveling, didn't she? Enjoy it while she's not home."

"How do you know she traveled?" I raise an eyebrow, curious.

"She told my mom some time ago." He shrugs, as if it's simple.

"She only told me last night." I growl, irritated. My mother always does this, telling me her plans always at the last minute.

"I thought you knew. That's why I came here. When the king is in the castle, one cannot court the Princess. Everyone knows that."

"In this case, I would be the Princess?" I laugh, finding it funny.

"Yes. You are definitely Rapunzel. Have you noticed that your life is literally living in a tower?"

"I'm touched."

"It's serious. Come with me." Jungkook asks, whispering, squeezing my thigh. I smile knowing that, the way he asks, I'll never be able to say no. I sigh and roll my eyes.

"You convinced me. Tell me where we're going."

"It's not a very surprising place." He speaks carelessly; suddenly, his cheeks turn red, and he pinches the lobe of his ear, embarrassed. That makes me even more curious. I wonder what he plans, and even though I'm tired, I nod and get up from the bed.

"Alright, you made me curious. But I'm hungry and need to eat something before we go." I say, wrapping my arms around his neck. I kiss his lips in a quick peck, tasting him. A voice in my head tells me I shouldn't act so affectionately because I'm not his girlfriend –or anything like that –but the way Jungkook responds quiets that voice and reassures me it's ok to touch him like this.

"I'll order something for you to eat." He smiles simply. Before I can argue, he crouches down, takes my foot, and pulls off my sneaker. I watch everything, worried and fascinated, relaxing my leg so he can finish the task.

I really like Jungkook. I've admitted that, and it's not very hard to notice. I did things with him because he makes me feel confident in my own skin, and that does me good. He is funny, talented, kind and sarcastic, and even though I don't know him well, the things I know about him make me admire him. The problem is he might still love his ex, and I don't know how far I can unleash my own feelings. I'm afraid of having too many expectations and ending up frustrated and disappointed. He treats me very well, but does that mean he reciprocates what I feel, or does it just mean he is a gentleman who knows how to take care of a woman?

"Done." He says, finishing the knot of my shoelace.

I smile at him gratefully and feel his hand holding mine as we walk down the stairs. I lose a bit of my smile, seeing our fingers intertwined, but I say nothing. I promise myself that I will enjoy the moment and keep my paranoia to myself, for now.

"Are you really not going to tell me where we're going?" I ask when we reach the sidewalk. He shakes his head and laughs before stepping away.

"No. You'll have to wait a little." He replies, opening the gate to his parents' garage. I stand still, waiting for his car when I'm surprised to see Jungkook on a motorcycle, with another helmet on his right arm. I open my mouth, totally impressed, looking from end to end at how huge the thing is. Now I understand why Mr. Jeon was worried, when he mentioned his son's mean of transportation, last night at dinner.

"Shall we?"

"I've never been on a motorcycle." I comment weakly, afraid of falling before I even get on the back.

"Everything has a first time." Jungkook bites his lower lip, watching me mischievously. My face heats up when I remember he said the same thing to me, when I sucked his dick in my room.

"Jungkook, how long have you been riding this thing? Did you pass your practical test on the first try?" I ask, sarcastically. He laughs, rolling his eyes.

"I promise you will come out alive from this." He guarantees with cynicism. He stands up, turns around, and goes behind me. "I'll tie your hair up, wait a bit."

I wait patiently while he holds my rebellious strands and ties them with some elastic. Jungkook takes the helmet from his arm and looks back at my face. He seems super focused and serious, furrowing his brows and making sure my head is indeed protected. He gives a little smile and sits on the motorcycle, waiting for my turn. I am a bit awkward, not quite sure where to support myself, but Jungkook doesn't mind and holds my leg so I can settle in securely. I wrap my arms around his waist, and with my heart racing, I wave between his shoulder and neck.

"We can go." I confirm, uncertain. Almost at the same moment, Jungkook revs the engine and takes off down the street at speed. I hold on tighter to him, tense. I hear his laugh and know he did this on purpose to tease me. I hit his arm, pouting, and sigh, feeling the nice end-of-day breeze.

It's scary, fascinating and a fantastic moment. With the motorcycle rolling, I can follow the sunset, which transforms the blue sky into orange and the usually polluted air, into something purer and cleaner. It's a feeling of freedom, enjoyable and terrifying, the same I have every time I'm with Jungkook. I hold on tighter, happy for the new experience I'm living.

It doesn't take long before the motorcycle stops in the city center. Things are quite busy, with people walking from one place to another and the stores bustling with customers. I can't remember the last time I came here, even though it's so close to my house. I get off awkwardly, and Jungkook follows right behind, taking off his helmet.

"It's here." He smiles happily, pointing behind me. When I turn around, there's a large sign saying "GOLDEN TATTOO" with Jungkook's name, on a seemingly new and well-lit wall. "I managed to finish the renovation today, and I wanted to bring you here to see the place. You'll be the first person to come."

"It's perfect!" I sight, impressed. I'm left speechless as he opens the bulletproof glass and enters the place, as if he were familiar with the environment. It's different from what I expected, with gray-painted walls, plants everywhere, and illustrated designs in large frames. It's a place I would feel comfortable in, even if I came alone. "Did you decorate it?"

"Yes. These last few days, I worked with a design team to organize everything the way I envisioned it. It took a lot of work, but I think it's finally all ready."

"It's very beautiful." I smile, touching one of the frames on the wall. It's a tattoo of an eye, apparently feminine and brown. It's so realistic that it feels like it's looking in my direction. I analyze the drawing so much that Jungkook laughs, lowering his head.

"Did you like it?" He points to the frame, smiling. I nod, touching the picture.

"It's spectacular."

"I drew it." He explains, coming up behind me. My heart skips a few beats when his arms wrap around my waist, and he presses his mouth against my ear. My spine freezes, and I get all goosebumps, from the last strand of my hair to the tips of my toes. "Come here, I want to show you something."

He pulls my hand and guides me to a room with white walls, some utensils and machines that, even as a layperson, I know are for tattooing. It's a very clean and sterilized place, with masks, disposable gloves, and colored inks in a glass and wood cabinet. The almost obsessive organization doesn't surprise me. When I saw Jungkook's apartment some time ago, I realized he likes everything very well organized, and his workplace wouldn't be any different. He sits me on the waiting sofa, and I observe some drawings in a black folder on the coffee table.

I don't know many people with tattoos, and I've never taken the time to appreciate this type of art, but I like what Jungkook does. He creates realistic designs, but most of them have fine and delicate touches. It's interesting to get to know another one of his sides that makes me more enchanted by him every day. I glance at my phone, thinking of my mother suddenly. I shake my head, determined to expel my restlessness. All these worries don't matter right now. She's out of town, and I need to stop tormenting myself about her. Jungkook appears at the door, almost as if he knew I was lost in thought, and smiles at me, mysteriously.

"What do you want to show me? I'm almost going crazy with curiosity." I confess, excited. He smiles, holding a roll of plastic wrap in one hand and raising a tablet in the other.

"I'm going to end your curiosity now." He says. "It's nothing special. I'm just going to do a tattoo on myself."

"What? Another one? Didn't you do one the day before yesterday?" I exclaim, opening my mouth in disbelief. He laughs at my surprise, as if he had said the most ordinary thing in the world.

"I've done tattoos on myself a few times; it's not a big deal. And I have to take advantage because the healing time is always restrict with food."

"Don't you feel pain while doing it?"

"I do." He confirms, shrugging. "But it's not unbearable, and I can stay still the whole time."

"Are you some kind of masochist?" I tease, watching him. Jungkook wraps the plastic around the tattoo machine and on the bench beside me without pausing.

"It's a nice pain." He smiles slyly, licking his lower lip. "It's almost like when I spank your butt. Don't you feel pleasure when there's a bit of it?"

"Jungkook!" I reprimand, my face burning with embarrassment at the question. He really has no scruples. And neither do I, because I hate to admit it, but I actually enjoy it when he spanks me.

"Some types of pain are bearable and nice to feel. You should try it." He suggests, sitting beside me.

"No, thanks." I decline. Just the thought of a needle piercing me, makes me anxious.

"Scaredy-cat." He mocks. He raises the tablet and shows me the drawing. It's a pink, reddish flower. It's a beautiful and interesting drawing, but apparently painful if done by oneself. I grimace, pitying him.

"What does it mean?" His face turns red suddenly. He looks at his hands and bites his lips, thoughtful.

"It's the flower of my birth. The tiger flower." He diverts his gaze from mine, leaving me confused.

"What is it?" I ask, laughing. Generally, I'm the shy one in the relationship.

"It's nothing; it's just that... it means 'please, love me.' I think that phrase is so beautiful and, at the same time, so sad."

"Please, love me." I repeat, testing the words on my tongue. It really is sad but touching. I wonder, however, why he chose that tattoo. "Are you sure you can handle it?" I question, worried, somewhat skeptical. Jungkook turns completely to me and narrows his dark eyes, looking at me.

"Of course I can. Don't doubt my abilities."

"I'm not doubting." I explain, putting my hands in front of my body to defend myself. "It's just that it's a drawing with many details. It's normal for you not to be able to do something like that in a short time. It's already seven."

"Let's make a bet?" He suggests, brushing his hair from his face. I get excited about the proposal, nodding my head.

"Sure, why not? But what can we bet on?"

"If I can't finish the tattoo in two hours, you choose something for us to do together." The dark-haired boy explains, running his fingers on my thigh. A shiver runs up my spine as he trails his fingers on my skin, slowly lifting my skirt with ease.

"Do something together? Like what?" I frown, curious. He smiles, this time wickedly. His hand goes from my thighs to my neck, pulling my hair back. He entwines his fingers in my strands and caresses my scalp with his thumb. A breath of arousal escapes my mouth, beyond my control.

"Anything. You decide."

"And if you win the bet, you do whatever you want with me?" I tease, laughing at my own question. Jungkook doesn't deny it, however, looking at me with a serious expression that, if it weren't for the situation, would disturb me.

"I already know what I want." He says in a husky voice. "If I win the bet, you touch yourself in front of me, like I asked you to."

"J-Jungkook! I can't do that." I choke, shaking my head. I would die of embarrassment. I've tried a few times to touch myself, I confess, but I never succeeded. I always felt awkward, as if something was missing. As if I were a complete weirdo for even trying.

"Are you already thinking about losing? That's not how bets work."

"I've never bet on something like this." I laugh ironically, trembling. His hand releases my hair but doesn't stop touching me. He slides his palm further down and caresses my stomach, which bubbles because of him. I'm so entranced by his touch that I can't stop him and let Jungkook slip under my shirt, heading for my breasts, covered by my bra.

"Think of the other side. If I lose, you can do whatever you want with me." He argues quietly, giving a small smile.

I start imagining what I would do with him if I won the bet. I'm not very creative, but something that really excites me would be to bring him to the edge just like he did with me last night. He denied my orgasm, and I want to do the same with Jungkook, over and over again. Of course, I would have to be very confident, and I don't know if I could achieve my goal, but I think it's worth a try.

"Alright. I agree." I nod nervously. He approaches with a sideways smile and tucks my hair behind my ear, before closing his eyes and kissing my mouth.

I wrap my arms around his neck and deepen our kiss, massaging his mouth with mine. I bite his lower lip, only satisfied when I hear a rumble from him deep in his throat. He smirks between caresses, stops, and attacks my neck, licking my skin and leaving a thin trail of saliva. Weeks ago, I couldn't even imagine a man without clothes in front of me, and now all I want is to suck him off and feel him come in my mouth, just like last night. I still remember the result of his pleasure flowing down my throat, and my desire to repeat everything we did makes my brain intoxicated. I'm completely lost in wanting this man.

"A kiss to seal the deal." Jungkook grunts and pulls away, his mouth swollen. I try to continue the kiss with the excitement eating me from the inside out, but he smiles and stops touching me completely. "I have to start this tattoo if I want to win the bet."

Jungkook stands up and sketches the rose on a piece of paper. My head disconnects from reality while he begins the work. I pick up my phone for a few seconds and see the time passing. I would be more worried if my mother weren't out of town. I leave the sofa, needing to pee, and open a door marked for the bathroom. I take care of my business and look at myself in the mirror. My face looks apparently normal, if not for my flushed cheeks and red lips from the kisses. I splash a bit of water on myself, and when I feel calmer, I return to the tattoo studio. The machine works continuously, and Jungkook seems submerged and engrossed in his task, furrowing his brows, totally focused.

I shouldn't have accepted this bet. Jungkook has several tattoos, and it's obvious that his pain tolerance is high. I know he will win. The way he remains silent and effortlessly pierces his own skin tells me that sooner or later, I'll have to fulfill the difficult challenge. I bite my lip, watching the drawing of the flower being completed as the minutes pass. It's a very time-consuming process, but minutes fly. I am so relaxed and still that I could almost fall asleep listening to the buzzing of the needle.

"Y/N, I ordered food for both of us." I hear his voice suddenly. I jump a bit because I didn't notice he was talking to me, lost in my own head. "I hope you like pasta."

"I really like it, thanks." I say, shaking my head. I'm really hungry.

Before long, someone rings the studio's doorbell. Jungkook even tries to get up to answer the delivery person, but there's no way I'd let him go outside when he's so focused on his own work. I go outside and grab the food bag, seeing that he ordered beer, pasta, fries, and a can of Diet Coke for both of us. I'm happy to notice, in such a simple gesture, that he remembered I don't drink alcohol. My mouth instantly fills with saliva.

"I think you're not going to win the bet." I comment, sitting back on the sofa. I separate my food from his, tasting the delicious vegetable sauce that is the most tasty thing in the world. At least that's what my stomach thinks, given how hungry I am.

"I'm almost done." He brags, still tattooing himself. He passes a paper to remove the excess ink from his skin and raises an eyebrow confidently. "I can't wait to see you touching yourself."

"That's not going to happen." I guarantee with a certainty I don't have, blushing and taking a sip of the soda. It's refreshing, going cold down through my throat.

"Let's see if it won't. Do you really think I'm going to miss the chance to watch you masturbating?"

"Jungkook..." I mumble, covering my face. "Don't you have any shame? Stop saying those things."

"Don't worry, Y/N." He smiles, confident in his victory. "You still have a reasonable amount of time to get used to the idea."

"Focus, Kook." I change the subject; my heart races just imagining myself in that situation. He falls silent and bites his lower lip, looking at me from head to toe with such hunger that makes me nervous and excited. I swallow my food as he returns to tattooing, wondering if he will really finish the drawing in time.

And he does. Of course, he does. In the end, after one hour and forty-five minutes, Jungkook has a new complete drawing on his right arm, along with other tattoos that adorn his body. I finished my food just in time to see him ending everything with mastery and calm, as if he wasn't worried about our bet. His hungry eyes find mine, and I know exactly what he wants. I swallow hard, squeezing my thighs together.

"I think I deserve my prize since I won the bet."

"Y-yes." I respond, trembling. My heart beats loudly in my chest, and I have to breathe deeply to finally realize that I don't feel fear, not even a hint of hesitation. All I feel is lust and desire. A longing to have him closer, to touch him in his rawest form. I sigh, watching him stand up and walk calmly towards me, like a predator; a lion eyeing its prey. I shrink back on the couch, small, now that he is standing. His knee sneaks between my legs, and separates my thighs before he squats down, and brings his face closer to mine.

"I don't want you to touch yourself here." He whispers, like a secret. His dilated pupils when he gazes at my mouth. "In my apartment. In my bed. I want you there."

Ask for a TAGLIST in the comments.

@ane102 @joonwater @ttipa

[radioactivesweet]

I don't know how to ask this, my English is not very good, I hope you understand! What would make Hades, Tesla and Hercules feel insecure around their y/n?

This turned out kinda angsty??? Hope it's fine either way! Btw these characters really break my heart now that round 8 has ended too I really am speechless

Hades usually isn't insecure. He is prideful, what the other gods can only aspire to be. This same greatness and magnificence lead to fear and awe. He is the King of the Underworld, he whom rules over the Dead - the dreaded one, mortals and gods alike fear him. The only thing that could make him insecure is that one day you too, the one ray of light in the Underworld, will fear him. That you will listen to those gossips and rumours about him, that you will notice just how much frightening and devoid of any redeeming qualities he actually is.

He fears, on the other end, that the dark Underworld will deprive you of your brightness, leaving you being nothing but an empty shell, the ghost of the shining deity you are. Because that's what the Underworld does to its souls.

Nikola fears failure and the feeling of not being enough. He fears that one day will get tired of his continue research and never ending and pointless experiments. He wants to feel worthy of your love, he wants to prove himself and, despite his pride, he often feels like what he is doing isn't enough, as if he isn't going anywhere. You will grow tired and disappointed - and he really doesn't want to. He doesn't want to be seen as a disappointment, he needs you to keep believing in him, in his intelligence and capabilities. He want you to keep believing in his dreams too. Everything would be useless if you were to stop dreaming with him.

He is not an artist, but you are still his muse - and he wouldn't know how to keep going on if you ever were to stop inspiring him.

Heracles thinks you may look down on him one day. Reject him for his humanity, for not being enough for a god. He loves his humanity, his perspective being different from that of any other god and wouldn't change it for anything in the world. Yet he fears one day you will stop loving him for what he is, that you too will grow to despise his human side, that you will see him as a lowly demigod, just like everybody else.

He fears his own indecision, how his resolve may fail you, how lost he sometimes feel becuase of his own dualism - not knowing which side he should take. One day he believes it will lead to him losing you.

[mariemarion]

hey, long time no been here. I'm sleepy, but I have something to say

I will abuse google translator a little cause I originally wrote all this in spanish :p

I haven't had energy the last few months. I am currently in a not very good state of mind so I will allow myself to be somewhat negative below.

I have lost interest in continuing with art, or at least the motivation is at the lowest level it has ever been, my only real reason for continuing is because it feeds my family, my pets and me, its reason enough to keep going , I fervently believe. But this doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm not going anywhere, that I'm stuck. Drawing has never been so exhausting, so tiring. I loved it, it may not be a permanent feeling, but currently I do not feel love for my drawings, for my current style, although I like it I feel that it is not mine, that it is not me, that I am not being sincere.

My dream is to reach that level of skill, like the meme, a rookie artist drawing something super rendered and complex and the senior artist drawing the most simplified style possible, I want to be that senior artist x'D.

How socials are treating and overshadowing artists lately also has a lot to add here, to hell with the numbers, I'm not interested in them, I'm not interested in the algorithm, I don't quite understand what it's about, I don't want to be tied down all the time , I want to come and go freely, that's all, I don't enjoy loggin into networks as i used to be.

Sometimes I would like to go back in time, when I felt free to create, when I was looking for to experiment and had fun. Today just thinking about holding a pencil makes me want to run away to the comfort of my bed or go play with my cats or to want to climb a mount and never coming back. And not to mention the damage I have done to my eyes and my hands, sometimes I can't do anything but overdo everything, and therefore hurting me, I foolishly force myself to accomplish deadlines that I have imposed on myself and that I am aware of its a short time.

I'm in a situation where I can't stop drawing, it's my job, I can't simply take a rest. I practically survive with what I earn (which lately is little), prices for many essentials are going up to the stratosphere and beyond (the price for cat food is so ridiculously expensive that I have started opting for homemade food) I have not been able to save anything, if I stop drawing and taking commissions, I don't know what else I could do, looking for alternatives is also tiring. I just want to sleep.

Apathy, that is my current state.

Fatigue.

Drowsiness.

A bottomless abyss, although when I say it out loud it makes me laugh x'D

Going to therapy has crossed my mind, I know there are issues to resolve, but thinking about the absence of money and next month's expenses somehow overlap everything else.

I think there were more things to add, but I can't think anymore.

I will not abandon art, it is clear to me, but if these last few months have been slow (in terms of making art), they will be even more so in the future, so you better do not miss me too much, you have been warned x'D

ty for reading

[chaewon2000lover]

Tentacle game!!

Episode 0

(This is basically just an short introduction to how our MC got into his situation, you can skip this part and go straight to episode 1 if you want)

It was another typical day for you, a poor office worker who lived a simple life.

You worked hard to make ends meet, but it seemed like you could never catch a break. As you slowly walked home from work, you couldn't help but feel a sense of hopelessness wash over you. You were tired of struggling and constantly worrying about money. But little did you know, your life was about to change in a way you never could have imagined.

As you neared your apartment building, a sleek black car pulled up beside him. The tinted window rolled down, revealing a man dressed in a smart black suit. 'Excuse me, sir,' he called out to you. 'Do you have a moment to talk?' You hesitated, but something about the man’s confident demeanor made you stop in your tracks. 'Um, sure,' he replied cautiously. The man smiled. 'My name is John,' he said, extending his hand. 'I have a proposition for you.' Your eyes widened in surprise. Was this man serious? You had heard of scams where people were promised large sums of money in exchange for something, but you never thought you would be a target. 'I'm sorry, I'm not interested,' you said, starting to walk away. But John wasn't deterred. 'Wait, please hear me out,' he pleaded. 'I represent a group of wealthy individuals who are looking for a man like you.' You raised an eyebrow, intrigued. 'What do you mean, a man like me?' 'A man who is willing to take a risk for a chance at a better life,' John explained. 'My clients are offering you 10 million dollars in exchange for a small favor.' Your heart skipped a beat at the mention of such a large sum of money. It was more than he could ever dream of. 'What kind of favor?' he asked cautiously. John leaned in closer, his voice dropping to a whisper. 'You must have sex with them,' he said. Your jaw dropped in shock. 'What? That's outrageous!' 'But think about it,' John continued. 'With that kind of money, you could pay off all your debts, buy a new house, and live comfortably for the rest of your life. It's a small price to pay for financial security.' You were torn. On one hand, you desperately needed the money. But on the other hand, you couldn't imagine being paid to have sex , let alone group sex. 'I don't know,' you said, shaking your head. 'It sounds too good to be true.' John smiled and handed you a card. 'Think about it,' he said. 'If you change your mind, give us a call.'

You watched as the car drove away, leaving you standing on the sidewalk, confused and conflicted. You tossed the card in his pocket and continued on your way home, the thought of 10 million dollars swirling in your head. That night, you couldn't sleep. The offer was tempting, but you couldn't shake the feeling that there was something off about it. You pulled out the card and dialed the number, half expecting it to be disconnected. To your surprise, a man answered. 'Hello, this is David,' the man said. 'I understand you are interested in our offer?' You hesitated before speaking. 'Yes, I am,' you admitted. 'Excellent,' David said. 'We will send a car to pick you up tomorrow at noon. Be prepared, the goddesses are eager to meet you.'

You nervously fidgeted with the seatbelt as you sat in the back of the car, your palms sweating and heart racing. 

You still couldn't quite believe you accepted to do this. The car came to a stop, but when the door was opened you couldn’t see much, two men hurried you along, until. A woman who introduced herself as your stylist led you to a dressing room and handed you a robe, instructing you to change into it.

Next, you were led to a room where a team of hair and makeup artists were waiting for you. 

They immediately went to work, cleaning up your appearance with a flurry of brushes and hairspray.

After what felt like hours, you were finally brought out to a dark room, surrounded by cameras. 

You hear what sounds like an emcee talking, joking and explaining while you stand in a pair of jeans and a white shirt, before you feel some hands pushing you forward.

You see a door appear seemingly out of nowhere, understanding what your meant to do.

You walk inside, bewildered but excited, your hands sweating and your knees buckling just a little bit.

You turn to see…

To be continued.

Hope you look forward to the next fic, whenever I decided to release it.

[leonenjoyer69]

I hope you don't mind this ask, but I'm in a huge Jekyll and Hyde hyperfixation rn (both TGS and OG novella) and I saw a post from you about how "Cotard's Solution" fits his Vibe; did you ever go on a ramble of Will Wood songs that fit Jekyll/Hyde? I'd love to hear them! I'm usually either an emo rock or hyperpop fan but I'd love to dip my toes into more Will Wood ever since my friends have shown me his songs :] I hope this isn't too much of an ask!

OF COURSE I DON'T MIND HEHEHE >:3 (also I'm so so sorry I kept forgetting about this 💀 BUT I'VE FINALLY DONE IT), I did originally connect a bunch of will wood songs to TGS characters in this post, and then I talked a bit about my Jekyll and Hyde playlist here (tho these are all various artists and Chonny Jash, not will wood, still a good collection of songs imo! Especially if you like emo rock and Hyper pop!!), but I would gladly go into detail about a bunch of Will Wood songs and how I connect them to TGS/J&H once more >:3

I LOVE WILL WOOD I'M SO NORMAL (also if there's any specific song from that first post, the honorable mentions in this, or my playlist that anyone wants an explanation for, just ask, bc idrk off the top of my head what to explain lmao, and if I have the thinking capacity to, I love explaining my reasoning!! :3)

OKAY OKAY, I'm probably not gonna hit many songs, but I'll try to get a few :3 I usually don't do these this in depth and I don't wanna make it too horribly long 💀

FIRST UP, A FRESH ONE I HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT (bc apparently it hasn't been on my main playlist... I'm kinda slow sometimes): SKELETON APPRECIATION DAY

HEAR ME OUT, the "bones" could be interpreted as Hyde, or just all of Jekyll's hidden parts-- anything that isn't the perfect gentleman he prefers to show. And like!!! The lyrics can be connected so easily!! "While my cracking backbone lacks but backs up my false starts" transformation, next.

"All nightmares start as dreams and I hear my subconscious screaming" I don't even feel like I gotta say anything on that one.

"All love starts as a scheme, So wake me up, I'm tired of sleeping" bro literally didn't believe Lanyon loved him, the 'waking up' could be the first transformation.

And like!! The chorus!! "Bones, bones, bones, let me see your bones / Well, I don't wanna know if the feeling follows home /Bones, bones, bones, hell, we're all alone / If I come home, baby, will you show your bones?" Hell, I can see this as Jekyll asking (or at least wishing for) Lanyon to be more vulnerable, but!! Better yet, Lanyon asking/wishing that of Jekyll, since he knows how Jekyll just tends to cover everything up.

Idk, maybe I'm just talkin outta my ass, but I think this is really up there on my list of TGS-able Will Wood songs.

NEXT (another fresh song I haven't rambled about before): HALF-DECADE HANGOVER

I LOVE THIS SONG SM!!! I EAT IT UP EVERY TIME IT COMES ON!! PROBABLY MY FAV WILL WOOD SONG RN!!

Anyways, this song is so so soooo angstily Jekyll coded, let's go straight to the lyrics >:3

"Wonder how I didn't die / This is not my life. I'm no survivor, I only happened to survive" right out the gate, first lines. Bro literally drank chemicals and now shares half his life with an entirely different consciousness.

"Down the days I have left, with one eye open"- could be him drinking the potion, with the one eye open being only half of him--"That was me screaming "Bitch, I am reality" / And stumbling off to lose myself in a brown paper bag cause me and / Sweet Evan Williams got a date down on Avenue / A staving shakes scraping change till daybreak / Turns out anyone can eat out the trash / Then wake up on the freeway mid-crash" could literally just be Hyde doing stupid shit and Henry regaining control 'mid-crash', ie when problems arise because of either of them tbh.

And the chorus!!! "Cause I was drunk when I made my bed / Now with a half-decade hangover I lay down in it /What have I done? Don't know what I've said / It's a half-decade hangover, either this, in jail, or dead / It's a half-decade hangover, Jesus Christ my aching head" bro was at his worst when he made that potion, and now he's stuck with the consequences. And the "this, in jail, or dead" those are the only options he thinks he has to deal with Hyde now!!

"Tripped on a couple steps, and collapsed on the stairs / Broke my neck on the backs of those who I've hurt and scared" my guy has been lying to everyone around him for years, but now everythings falling apart and it's coming back to bite him in the ass so hard now.

LAST LYRIC BC AT THIS RATE I'LL THROW THE WHOLE SONG IN-- "Sober, but still so much still hangs over / Please believe me when I say I poured my whole past down the drain / Say that a second chance is a chance I can take" first of all, the poured my whole past down the drain could be him literally giving up the man he was and taking the potion, OR, him dumping all the potions in that one scene, teehee. Secondly, the second chance part and the lines that follow in the song, totally him at Lanyon.

Next: OUTLIARS AND HYPPOCRATES

This one to me is a very Hyde song, specifically him talking to Jekyll.

"Cause I doubt that you would even if you could change / You think it makes you special, but it makes you strange / I doubt that you would even if you could change / The things that make you special are the things that make you strange" could be Hyde tellin Jekyll that he wouldn't get rid of him, even if he could, because it makes Jekyll fell better about his "lonely prince" persona, as Jasper put it lmao.

"I am the shadows cast aside by gallows, and you the red-hot sky" I just really like thinking about this line with them bc ✨imagery✨. Like, shadow Hyde, check. Gallows? Hell yeah. Red-hot sky? We got color AND, by proxy, sun and moon references, Let's go 🗣️

"You become immune to my toxic fumes / My dose-dependent presence in your life / It's all subjective, all due respect to the collective mind" I mean like. Toxic looking green potion. 'Collective mind', they're both parts of the same guy.

"Horrified at the sight of my reflection in your eyes, I don't belong there" mmmmm bodyswap mishaps 🤤

"Well, it's your conclusions that make mine delusions, so I make you sane / You can thank me later" idk how to explain it but the way this is said just gives major Hyde vibes, you get it, right chat?

"Who'd want to belong to anyone? (Ay, ay, ay, ay) I mean, what do people even do? / So, if you love me, let me let you go, my love (ay, ay, ay, ay), so I can be no one" him and his little crush/loathing on Lanyon, the silly

Next!!: MR CAPGRAS ENCOUNTERS A SECONDHAND VANITY

Literally the Jekyll and Hyde song ever. I mean, it starts with "you're trying to replace yourself" 💀

"Carving out a fact from a reckoning! /Beckoning your back, skin sagging off its skeleton / Levitating off the ground / Is another man wearing your face" LIKE DO I EVEN GOTTA SAY ANYTHING? This whole song is about false identities 😭

"All the other false identities / Remedies or enemies to mitigate your memories / Shuddered at what they found / When they stripped away the grace" like...

"Damn, I thought you're not your imposter / You're so sure you're not gonna get caught / Dead in your own skin / But you didn't choose what you were born in" this song gives big vibes for chapter 14 and 15, with the constant switching and fear of identity reveal and such.

"What you feel and what you do, are those things really you? / And if not, then what is? (Never, never, never) / So, my God, what's wrong with you? / And I'm still asking who that is" I really like thinking about this part as Lanyon asking Jekyll those things, even without an identity reveal! Since he puts up this gentleman facade and hides everything, Lanyon barely knows who Jekyll is.

"You'll never take me alive, baby (this is not enough) / You'll never take me alive (this is not enough to prove it yet) / You'll never take me, you'll never take me, you better pray that I die (no, I need to hit the bottom)" This part feels like a simultaneous Hyde and Jekyll part, with Jekyll being the parenthesised parts. Hyde being all cocky n shit while Jekyll tries to figure things out or something, idk lmao running low on explanation brain cells.

Honorable mentions that I just don't feel like explaining in depth rn, but probably could!!

The Song With 5 Names- very Jekyll coded

Dr Sunshine is Dead- kinda Jekyll coded, but VERY Hyde coded

2econd 2ight 2eer- the Hyde song ever

6up 5oh Copout- another mega Hyde song, if I could animate it would be over for y'all

Against The Kitchen Floor- Jekyll and Lanyon, these gay people make me upset

Cicada Days- also very Jekyll and Lanyon :(

Hand Me My Shovel!- Jekyll coded, I like to think of him making the potion

Basically, 90% of Will Woods discography can be spun to fit these silly characters. I love Will Wood guys :3 sometimes I wish I could verbally ramble about this kinda stuff, but also words are hard (and it makes me feel annoying lmao) 💔💔 but anyways!!! Thank you for the ask! I hope Will Wood consumes you just as well as it has most of the TGS fandom :3 <333

[4threset]

Will you ever do any more comics about your WoL? I loved reading them, and while I've given up my dream of being a comic artist, I still love to read them

Hi there!! Honestly, in the immediate future, not very likely as I've been pushing extremely hard to focus on my visual identity as an illustrator to get into Illustration fairs lately.

But that doesn't mean I don't want to! It's mostly because I've fallen off ffxiv (as one does with fandoms occasionally!) I suspect Dawntrail would reignite some ideas within me and draw more.

Also, a lot of my WoL Telios comics were drawn when I was working a stable 9 to 5 job, so drawing them were my hobbies outside of work. Since going full-time freelance, I've had less time to think about doing them; ; I do want to draw more! But this year I am pushing very hard on a few fronts in my work, so that has to be put on the back burner.

Also OP, art is a long, lonely, and tiring journey. I know more than anyone how exhaustive and draining it is. "Do what you love and you never work a day in your life" is simply untrue. It ends up warping what you love into work and makes it hard to draw that line between what is work and what is enjoyment.

I hope you find that spark to create comics again, not for work or for anyone, but for yourself primarily first and foremost. Find like-minded folks to draw with, read comics that make you *feel* alive again. For me that has been "Frieren" and "Dungeon Meshi".

Art will and always will be subjective, it's shaped by each unique person and their background and upbringing. So I cannot say what it is to you or what you can or should do. That would be hubris and ego on my part. This is why I believe teaching art is always so difficult especially in big class settings, because of varying views and ways of appreciation for it. I hope you find what you need to find that sparkl again anon.

All my love!

[adorerinn]

HIII I LOVE UR MATCHUPS AND IS totally normal about them and would love one too pls, and I'd like to be 🎏 anon!

I'm a girl and l'd love a LONGGG romantic matchup with a guy please

A brief desc of what I look like: I'm 167 cm, l've got long brown hair w new bangs which I love. I have some semblance of siren eyes which unfortunately scare some ppl off ://, therefore I’d prefer someone on the taller side please 🫶🏼

Personality: I'm the most versatile person I know, a true ambivert I believe. love quiet time but also feed off of energy when I'm around people and is totally okay with just sitting in silence with my friends. I'm attentive to my people and my giving love language is gift-giving, acts of service and quality time. I'm very aware of a lot of things happening around me, especially myself. I notice things most don't see like how my friends walk in different shoes (literally) or how they shift their body when they're uncomfortable. But this awareness also makes me feel bad sometimes when I notice something's up and I do nothing cause it gets so tiring, and then i feel guilty afterwards and think about what I should've done to help when literally no one had either.

I'm an ENFP and l'd love to be paired with a char of a suitable mbti. I'm confident, a little too much sometimes but mostly as a joke, about my looks and values in life. I also LOVEE deeptalks, depth in conversation is what i live for!!

I'm an artist and I love to draw and want to become an art director when I'm older cus l'm also a businesswoman at heart (gotta get that bag yk)

I'm also a huge fashion kid, as in whatever funky piece of clothing i see, i style and wear. I mix it up a lot so anything with squiggly fabric or ruffles and skirts as tops, you get the gist.

Ideal type:

I'm not super sure i can encapsulate a "type", but I'm not into gruff types (like iwa l'm so sorry), a little mean yes but not gruff yk. I'd love someone with a sense of humor and one that can match my energy, both calm and otherwise. I need someone attentive towards me as

much as i am to others. And someone wealthy please, i love giving gifts to people and showering them with support and affection and sometimes i just feel like it's one sided (apart from my family I receive gifts like i do others with only 3 friends :/). It might be a little selfish i know but i just need to feel loved like that i guess? And someone willing to ride all the scary rollercoasters with me (adrenaline junkie)

Appearance-wise, l'm into more feminine faces, my max for masculine is like chris evans , but i think all asian faces have a touch of femininity in them so i have practically no rejects in terms of characters. No facial hair tho, I'm super icked out by that, and body types are also versatile. My fav char is tsukki and he's built like a pencil but i love bo's body type too :))

Dream date: I'D LOVE A DANCE DATE, not professionally but like dancing tgt to pop classics from the early 2000s is a dream, literally anywhere (a club, the living room etc)

I hope i got everything, sry if it's long i love to ramble looking forward to a reply, thanks so much 😋😋

I match you with Suna Rintaro!

✧ Suna would definitely be a perfect match for you!

✧ you could for sure have a long and romantic relationship with him (I just feel like once he's found that special person he sticks with them no matter what)

✧ loves your ambieverted personality even if he's a bit more on the introverted side

✧ likes being able to spend some quiet time maybe put on some music while he's at it (I just KNOW he has a good playlist for every occasion)

✧ always keeps any gift you give him. he will probably just have the all scattered around somewhere in his room but he does appreciate them a lot

✧ likes being able to spend time with you even if you aren't doing anything or just sitting in silence. he just appreciates your presence

✧ definitely notices how you notice the tiniest things and thinks it's cool especially since he's the same way. you both would probably whisper to each other and just point out the smallest things ever

✧ always reassures you that it's okay and that you don't have to always help out people even if you noticed it

✧ likes how you can be confident even if it's just as a joke he thinks it's cool you can be confident even if it's not real. he just appreciates it and prefers people to be confident instead of just always being shy or something like that

✧ would for sure have late night talks about the most random things which will eventually lead to deeper conversations but he all for them

✧ he probably watches you draw and if you were to give him a drawing he would most likely have one of your drawings folded up in his wallet or some random jacket pocket

✧ likes how you have a dream to be an art director. he likes it when people have a goal set in mind instead of just going with the flow

✧ adores your fashion sense. he just thinks it's cool to have such a unique fashion taste. would also probably want you to choose some of his outfits if he can't decide what to wear

✧ most definitely has a sense of humor. (I feel like he has brainrot humor IT'S TRUE BC I SAID SO)

✧ would be able to match energy (he's probably still a kid at heart I just know it)

✧ of course most of them time he is very calm and attentive. he would probably notice when you're feeling even a little bit down and would try to cheer you up as best as he can

✧ would definitely buy you small gifts that he sees in shops and gets them just because they reminded him of you

✧ LOVES going on roller coasters and will go on whatever ride you choose. he just likes the thrill of rides

✧ would like to just mess around and dance to stupid music. he would enjoy to dance in the living room (he probably wouldn't wanna go to clubs just because he tries to act all nonchalant)

✧ overall I think Suna Rinatro would be the perfect match for you and you both would get along great

hi anon!! I hope you enjoyed your match up feel free to request again!

[hamausagi]

YES IT IS LIKE THAT AND NOW I WANT ALL OF THEM FOR YOU TOO I AM EYES EMOJING U SO HARD RN

YAYAYAY I AM EYES EMOJING YOU TOO

What is your nickname?

i don't really have one these days, but i suppose jake or august are still two of my favorite names i go by ^^

When is your birthday?

10/21/03 <3

What was your longest relationship?

1 year and 2 months (ended) (thank god)

What is your favorite book?

six of crows - leigh bardugo !

What is something you're insecure about?

the way i speak LMAO i cringe so much hearing my own voice or hearing the things i say. i feel like im so socially awkward and i hate it so bad 😭😭😭

5 Male celebrity crushes

uhhhhhh i dont rlly keep up with celebs like at all anymore but i used to be literally head over heels for chris pine when i was younger HELP

5 Female celebrity crushes

ZENDAYA and maybe saorise ronan ???? (help me i dont rlly care abt celebs)

What is your dream job?

concept/character artist for a game company !!!! (and to make my own games) (which i am currently working on)

What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?

finding out about my dream college last september after literally never knowing about it prior (besides a friend making an offhand comment abt it in like. 2017 that i forgot abt), finishing a portfolio in less than 2 months, and getting accepted LMAO

What is a fact about you that nobody would believe?

i used to play indoor and outdoor soccer year round, my indoor team competed in a lot of big brackets for the state (i now play no sports and i can barely go up more than 2 flights of stairs or run more than a few meters without dying) (thank you asthma and anemia 💪)

What were your highs and lows for this last month?

highs: FINSHED MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE WAHOOOO passed all my classes 🔥 made some new friends :D (and regained some old)

lows: uhhhhh mental health struggles mostly

Where is somewhere you'd like to visit?

i reeeeeaaalllyyyy really wanna go to japan so bad. im literally japanese and ive never been there, and i have family there ive never met that i want to see

How do you de-stress?

sleeping, drawing, playing some games, bothering the bf, gams with friends (unless its helldivers) (then i am stressed more)

What are your favorite apps besides tumblr?

pinterest my beloved <3

Describe yourself in one sentence.

good intentions, but poor execution

What do you think makes you attractive?

uhhhhh i have big eyes, smallish waist ???? i really try and prioritize other people (help i rlly dont know how to answer this)

What is something you're really good at?

drawing :3

What is something you're really bad at?

cooking LOL (im trying to get better)

A time that you told a lie.

telling the kid in my prj group that it was okay after he apologized for being literally the worst group member i have ever worked with (he literally did NOTHING and almost cost us the project several times)

What's a totally random and useless fact that you know?

bearded dragons can puff their eyes out along with puffing their chins when they get scared or feel threatened (thanks to ron for scaring the absolute shit out of me one day) (i thought he was dying)

Who knows you the best?

either my bf or my irl best friend :3

What is your most prized possession?

a wooden box my dad mae me a really really long time ago. that or this little sterling silver flip flop necklace my grandpa gave me a few years before he died when i was a kid

What is your longest friendship?

with my irl bsf, been friends 13 years now

When did you first feel like an adult?

either when my dad finally started actually swearing when talking to me or when i changed my car's oil myself for the first time

Do you/ Have you played any sports?

played soccer for like 11 years and did archery for 5 :3

How are you feeling right now?

im really tired and my cramps are killing me 👍 but im chillin

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

night owl even tho i rlly wish i was an early bird so bad. no matter when i go to bed or how many hrs of sleep i get its so hard to wake up before 9 am bro

Do you believe in love at first sight?

for ocs? yes. irl? absolutely not

Favorite song lyrics right now?

literally loving all the lyrics in a feeling - whxami but more specifically i am thinking abt waiting room - phoebe bridgers "if you were a teacher, i would fail your class take it over and over til you noticed me if you were a waiting room, i would never see a doctor i would sit there with my first aid kit and bleed"

also saw a robin edit to espresso - sabrina carpenter and now my brain is IM WORKING LAAAAATEEEE CAUSE IM A SINGERRRRRRR

What does self care look like for you?

taking showers and making myself food. i hate actually taking showers but the post shower untainted clean feeling is so unmatched bro its the best

Describe yourself with 3 singers.

RONEN, wave to earth, and two door cinema club

What makes you nervous?

meeting friends of friends (meeting new people is fine but its scarier if someone i know is introducing me), going to people's houses that i don't know very well

What’s a pet peeve you have?

trying to talk to someone but getting dry ass responses or no response at all

What will always make you cry?

bro. those tiktoks that are like. "if you know yourself which one are you picking". oh my god. those destroy me so bad

What kind of first impression do you think you make on people?

i honestly have zero idea bro 😭😭 if im meeting people at school im probably a little overwhelming (im loud asf at school) but if like. im meeting my friends parents or my bfs friends. i am a ghost

[madaboutmunson]

I kill the lights, now, baby, watch me explode

I Think I Could Have Been Someone - Chapter 8

Ao3 Link

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Link to fic overview and all parts

Chapter Summary: Steve makes a nightcap get way out of hand

Author Notes: This is a mature story, definitely 18+ only.

Tags/Warnings: rockstar!AU; band; touring; music industry; alternate universe; drug usage; alcohol abuse; performing; enemies to lovers; road trip; stobin; platonic stobin; platonic with a capital P; canon typical violence; angst; masochism; fist fight

Word Count: 4.2K

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Think I Could Have Been Someone - Part 8 - Steve POV 

Steve blinks back at him, mouth partially agape. His world's walls slowly crumble and ooze away as he asks, "What do you mean, you just wait for the marks to be hit?"

"This is off a fucking list. I used to do this shot all the time. I've done it for countless artists." Eddie bites back.

Steve shakes his head. No, there must be some mistake. Eddie had captured him. The real him.

"Don't believe me?" He grabs Steve by the arm and yanks him over to the laptop, roughly shoves him into the chair in front of it, as he types ‘barrier’ into the search bar. As the results hits fill the screen, Steve's heart empties, "Open one. Anyone you like." Eddie taunts him.

Steve swallows hard and gingerly opens a file. The air is taken out of him. It's almost identical, except the people are different. Forever greedy for hurt, Steve starts opening the others, and with each one, a new droplet threatens to form on his lash line.

"It was just chance! You ruined my life for something I could have explained in a matter of seconds!" Eddie yells, and all Steve can do is look at him and blink a tear from his eye.

"Just chance," Steve repeats, eyes locked on Eddie but not looking at him, through him. He'd been so wrong.

The rattling of the door gets louder.

"Do you have any idea what you did when you put up that fucking post?" Eddie paces, shouting at the top of his lungs, but Steve cannot respond. He feels numb. The one thing he'd been clinging to all this time wasn't real, either. His head swims with nothingness. All he can do is look and listen. Eddie squats down so his face is level with Steve's, "Let me fucking enlighten you, asshole!" He spits through gritted teeth, "First of all, I was harassed relentlessly personally, publically and online, as were the people around me. Then, because of that backlash, people didn't wanna work with me anymore. Then, of course, my savings are dwindling as I'm trying to keep a non-existent business afloat. Now I'm losing money, now I'm in debt, ok, and for you and your little horde of fucking fanatics, it's still not enough. I couldn't market my business without getting snide comments or being reported, so I'm working off networking and word of mouth. Which, as you can appreciate, is tiring and soul-grating. And then you all finally win. I'm at my lowest. Money was helping me achieve my dreams. You took it. Photography was my passion. You took it. My Happiness you stole. My love, you stole him too. And for what, Steve? For fucking what? A fucking ridiculous picture. I saw nothing in. It was a checked box. That's all." Eddie's chest is heaving, spittle flies out his mouth in a rage, and all Steve can do is watch as his insides fall apart, piece by piece. Eddie stands up to walk away.

Something in the abyss of Steve stirs. It glows a firey red, orange, yellow in the dark until it's white-hot and rapidly expanding.

Steve springs out of his chair, grabbing Eddie by the collar and sending the desk contents clattering to the ground as he sends them both reeling towards the wall until Eddie's head bashes against it.

"Where do you get off speaking to me like that, fucker?" Steve quietly seethes through his clenched teeth, "Do you know who I fucking am?" He picks Eddie easily off the wall and roughly shoves him back into it, making him yelp, "Got nothing to say now, huh, tough guy?" Steve twists the collar of Eddie's shirt and tightens it around his neck, "Is that why you agreed? To make a fool of me?" Eddie's face starts to redden, and his eyes begin to tear up. "Here is what you don't understand. You jumped up, little prick. I fucking own you. You do what I want. What I fuckin' say! Understand?" Steve sneers, as he listens to Eddie make a choked noise before releasing him. As Eddie slides to the carpeted floor, he crouches down to meet him, looks directly into his glassy, deep brown eyes and whispers, "My money will always be louder than any tantrum you could dish out. People are outside that door right now, biting at the bit to use their training on someone. So I suggest, unless you want that someone to be you, you shut the fuck up and be a good little photographer and take some goddamn pictures."

Eddie gets to his feet, and Steve mirrors his movement and scowl, "I fucking knew it would be like this. You're just what I thought you were. A walking stereotype. You're a piece of shit."

"Me? No, man. That's you all day!" Steve laughs, "Stereotype, maybe, but you are the only piece of shit here. I told you what that picture meant to me, and you fucking ate all that praise up on the plane, but once something didn't go your way, you lashed out. Have you ever thought that the reason you lost so much wasn't because of me but because of how you reacted to it? Maybe you would have thrived on the attention if you manned up."

"Oh fuck you! We aren't all attention sluts like you, ok? Some of us have creativity in our bones and a passion for what we do that isn't based on how big our house is."

"Do not ever presume that I don't have passion for what I do. I have plenty. I don't throw in the towel like some people."

"You can't even play an F major chord properly. You play the cheat version!"

"What are you even talking about? This is ridiculous!" Steve throws his hands in the air with a sarcastic laugh.

"No, buddy! What is ridiculous is that I'm still standing in this room with you. I don't need this shit. This project is over. Stick your money up your fucking ass!" Eddie seethes and walks over to his stuff to pack it away.

"You know what. Fine! Now I know you don't have the talent to capture what I thought you had. I could hire anyone to do your job!"

"Back to talent again. Do you think any of your peers like your stuff? Or do you just have a rabid set of fans you cultivated because of your appearance? And as you bury yourself in the ground line by line, gram by gram, they clamour for you more, but one day Harrington, they aren't gonna give a shit because the next new thing will be out, and you will be forgotten. As you should be!"

"You know what? If this is how you prey on people’s insecurities when you don't get your way, I can see why he left you."

"Say that again!" Eddie threatens, pointing viciously at Steve.

"What are you gonna do about it if I do? Hit me? You don't have the balls!"

"Oh no?" Eddie’s eyes widen, leaning toward Steve.

"Absolutely fucking not. You've got coward written all over you. It oozes out of you. You wouldn't dare. Go on, take a free shot."

“Mr H! Can you let us in, please? We’ll remove him from the premises.” Robin yells from the other side of the door, rattling it. He can hear her vain attempt at keeping her voice level and calm.

Eddie laughs, “That’s right, big man Harrington is gonna start a fight for his minions to finish,” he rolls his eyes, “I’ll just leave to prevent further injury from your fucking estate.”

“We’re fine, Buckley!” he turns back to Eddie, “I’m serious, go ahead, hit me. Put those years of pent-up frustration into a fist and send it my way.”

“What, and get sued for destroying your moneymaker face? I’m not that stupid, thanks”.

Steve just stares back and almost smirks.

"Do not try me!" Eddie threatens, the intense anger emanating from him. Steve can feel Eddie is right on the edge of doing something stupid, and Steve wants him to. He wants Eddie to hurt as bad as he does. He wants to make him feel so small and powerless that all he has left is violence.

Steve lifts the metaphorical hammer high to drive the final nails in the coffin of this partnership. He knows Eddie’s buttons and will keep pushing until he breaks him. "Your partner left you because you were an asshole to them, not because of me! Because you are a weak and selfish man. Because when the going got tough, you let the fallout hit everyone, didn’t you? Your precious boyfriend had no choice but to leave you, Munson. Otherwise, they would have got dragged under with you!"

Eddie launches himself at Steve, sending them crashing into another wall. His eyes ablaze, searing into Steve’s as he slams him against the wall, “Do, fucking, not ever speak about him. You hear me? You fucking junkie!” Eddie seethes through a face twisted with pure fury before Steve feels Eddie’s entire weight pressing on him now. A sliver of panic pierces him, concerned about what this man could do, how angry he was. Right now, it wasn’t as if Steve wouldn’t welcome the respite from betrayal and disappointment that a violent death might offer, but did this guy deserve to be the one to do time for it after everything? A tensed hand finds Steve’s throat. Eddie was not playing around anymore. He was livid, “A dumpster fire of a creature like you doesn’t get to comment on my relationships. Not after you openly cheat on your doting wife, and then the people you cheat on her with you want to be cuckolded by. What is wrong with you? You have everything. Four platinum albums, homes worldwide, money, awards, and accolades. Half of what you fucking have could change the life of a small town, and yet you squander it on your wares and wants and the chemicals propping up your zombie-like form. You’re disgusting to me. Vile, scum of the earth.”

Steve starts laughing under Eddie's grip. A few gentle laughs at first, but they get louder. Eddie looks at him in disgust, shoves him,  and walks away. His body is still tense and angry, but the absurdity is enough to make him back off. But Steve isn’t doing himself any favours by continuing, but he can’t stop. He’s realised something.

Steve shakes his head and catches his breath, “You tragic, pathetic little man, Munson. I just realised why you’re so pissed at me. Why didn’t you just dislike me and become indifferent over time.” Eddie's glare snaps towards him, his form slightly hunched in anger. Steve stands tall, rests a hand on his belt buckle, and drops his head to the side with a cocksure smile, “You were a fan.” He enunciates every word clearly, and each one takes Eddie down a peg or two, “Oh, isn’t this just the tastiest morsel of this whole thing.” Steve claps his hands together, “Bet your ex looked like me too, huh?”

“Keep him out of your cesspool mouth, Harrington, or I swear I’ll do it for you!”

“And now the guy at the hotel makes sense.” Steve laughs, overjoyed he's finally put the pieces together and is making Eddie miserable about it.

“ Guy at the- You’ve been spying on me? Is that why your cronies were there? Oh my god, please don’t tell me that is why he was suddenly working on your plane! You absolute psychopath!” Eddie says, folding his arms across himself in disbelief.

Steve ignores the questions, “And you think my wife dotes on me? Oh my god, hilarious, and Heidi? Please. You know why they’re there, and it has fuck all to do with me.” Steve laughs again.

Then Eddie pauses like pieces are forming together in his mind, like he realises how he’s been duped too, but unfortunately for Steve, that isn’t what Eddie is deducing at all.

He looks him straight in the eyes, a flicker of a smirk, “You wanted me! Didn’t you? How you stopped in the doorway, how you used Heidi as bait. Then you asked me outright if I was gay, and all your little minions laughed, but you genuinely wanted my answer, didn't you?” 

Steve’s inside freeze, but he has to keep up appearances here. This guy could ruin him, “Please! That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. Get over yourself!”

Eddie’s smile widens, and his eyes scan over Steve. He folds his arms,” I bet you do that a lot, don’t you? Lure unsuspecting men into your bed. So you can watch them go at it with someone else, wishing it was you, don't you?” 

“You need to watch your fucking mouth.” Steve growls and points at him.

“Oh, it does have feelings.” Eddie mocks, “Here’s the thing. See,  I don’t need to say anything at all. This whole thing is being recorded. It’s making its way up into The Cloud right now. Forgot about that, didn’t ya?” Eddie beams a toothy, self-assured grin back at him.

Steve does not know how to deal with this guy. Could he offer him more money to keep quiet? Though nothing was confirmed, Steve knew the conversation had already implied enough. He could blackmail him until the end of time with this. Every fibre of his being hates this situation, stuck under someone else's will again and over something so natural, but Eddie doesn’t realise the problem he’d be creating if he did leak this. A scandal was one thing, but Steve needed his career, which would always be his Achilles' heel. Eddie sought revenge, and he wasn’t going to get it without ruining Steve, and Steve could not let that happen. He needed to keep this together.

For a moment, he looks directly at Eddie in defeat. He thinks about asking him what he wants for the recording? What’s it going to take to delete it? But Eddie looks smug, and Steve can’t stand it. In Eddie's face, he sees the rest of those bastards around their boardroom table, he sees the face of his father and last of all, he sees himself, and that is all it takes for Steve to charge at him, rear back his fist and send it crashing into Eddie’s jaw. Steve expects him to go down like a sack of potatoes, but he seems to just absorb it with a grunt and a turn of his head. Now, Steve starts to panic. He hadn’t thought any of this through past this point, but now he knows what must happen. As it stands, Eddie has rumour mill dirt on him, and Steve just assaulted him. He needs Eddie to retaliate. This has to look like a two-way thing to save Steve from losing the most essential thing in his life.

Eddie rubs over where the blow landed and sets his jaw, “I think we’re done here.” He goes to pick up his belongings, but Steve cannot allow this. He reaches over when Eddie's back is turned, drags him back by the hair and spins him around to land a jab to his guts. And this time, he keels over and down he goes, to his knees, gasping for air.

The door rattles again, and Steve turns toward it, yelling, “Do not come in here. That is a fucking order, Buckley! Do your job and fucking listen! Anyone that comes in here is gonna get fucking fired!” As Steve turns back to goad Eddie further, he feels a kick to the back of his knees, collapsing his legs underneath him, and a bony set of knuckles slam into his lower back just before he crumples to the floor, with a hiss from between his teeth, as he reaches for the site of pain. As his back arches backwards in response, he feels himself being dragged up to his feet, his eyes still clenched shut. An almighty whack meets his face, and he’s sent reeling right back to the floor. A boot on his chest pushes him onto his back, and he slowly and cautiously opens his eyes to look up at the man standing over him but immediately has to shut one due to the sharp sting of pain.

He can roughly make out Eddie standing over him, panting so hard his shoulders and chest visibly rise and fall. He’s just staring, maybe shaking. Steve makes a move to sit up, and a sense of relief appears on Eddie’s face for a second, “We’re done here. Stay down!”

Steve knows he should stay down, and this will be over. They both have their own leverage now. They’ve both channelled their anger, but something curious is stirring inside him. His body aches, his head feels fuzzy, and his skin feels alive. He feels high, and he’s not ready for this to be over. He can’t ask. That might come across as pity-inducing, and he’s not after Eddie’s mercy, far from it.

So he uses the couch to drag himself up to sitting first. 

“Are you an idiot? I said stay down.” Eddie sounds more annoyed and regretful than angry, and Steve can feel what he craves slipping out of his fingers. He quickly pushes himself up, and the room spins, but he’s standing. With a grunt of effort, he shoves Eddie whilst trying to find a centre of balance, “Look, that’s enough. I’m gonna go and let Buckley in, ok? I shouldn’t have done that.”

Steve doesn’t reply, scowls and shoves again, with both hands this time, making Eddie stumble backwards. “Hey, I said enough!” Eddie snaps at him, and Steve can taste the hint of anger in it. Eddie doesn’t like being pushed around. He grabs Eddie’s T-shirt material and gathers it in his fists, one of which is starting to throb from where he’d hit him. He yanks Eddie towards his face, their noses almost touching, and Steve watches his eyes widen with fear until Steve shoves him back with all his might, sending him crashing back into the desk that Eddie just gets a hand to to prevent him from falling to the floor. His eyes are still wide, looking at Steve like he’s insane, and maybe he’s right. He feels insane. But Eddie isn’t retaliating.

Frustrated, Steve begins to stalk, paces towards him, squares his shoulders, grabs hold of Eddie’s jaw, and turns it left to right to see the red bloom of a bruise in the making. Eddie stays still, eyes wide, his mouth partially open to breathe shallow breaths.

“Harrington, what are you doing?” Eddie says as if he’s trying to get through to Steve. He looks confused and tries to wriggle away, but Steve has him in too tight a grip. Steve decides Eddie isn’t going anywhere, and that is precisely what will happen. He feels Eddie make jerky, uncertain movements to push him away, like he’s trying to find the magic combination that will get Steve to let him go without enacting any more violence. But Steve has the leverage and uses it to his advantage, looming over him, squeezing his jaw tighter. Eddie's teeth grit as he kicks and pushes back, but Steve does not relent. These little pushes and squirms weren't what he wanted from Eddie, “You’re crazy, Harrington. Let me go,” Eddie hisses through his teeth, and Steve almost laughs as he can feel him trying to knee him between the legs, but Steve just presses himself closer, forcing Eddie awkwardly backwards, with no room to flail anymore, but he’s still not fighting back enough. Steve’s hand slips down to his throat, and he squeezes. Eddie’s eyes flash with panic, and he grasps onto Steve’s offending forearm and croaks out a pitiful “Stop.”

Steve lets his eyes trail over Eddie’s features  as he shakes his head gently and tightens his grip, “No.” He says softly and squeezes again, watching the redness and panic fill Eddie’s face as his fingernails dig into Steve’s arm, sending shivers up and down his spine.

Then, in desperation, Eddie launches forward, making a choked-out noise in the process, as hurtling forward presses his throat further into his grip. Something hits the back of Steve’s legs and sends him reeling back towards the carpet again. He lands with a hard bump to the back of his head, Eddie’s neck still firmly in hand. But soon, his grip is relinquished as Eddie wails blow after blow on his arm until Steve feels a euphoric numbness spread throughout it. He looks up at Eddie, there is no pity or panic in his eyes now, only survival, and Steve is the only obstacle in his way. 

Even when Eddie is free from his grip, he doesn’t stop his physical onslaught. Eddie pins his forearms down by his sides with his knees, pushing his weight onto them, and Steve wonders if one might snap. Licks his lips at the thought of the potential exquisite pain, but before he can dwell for too long, a succession of well-placed jabs begin to litter his torso. Each one is the same cycle: instant pain, a blast of euphoria and the warm hum of blood rushing to the site before it flows much more hurriedly south, sending his head into a dizzying spin. Eddie’s eyes ablaze with anger almost thrill him more, but he can feel Eddie slowing either from effort or realisation, but Steve isn’t ready for this to be over. He needs his hands on him.

Quick as a flash, Steve bends his legs towards his chest, using them to grip hold of Eddie’s torso, and with searing pain, he uses all his strength to flip them over. Eddie flails wildly, trying to keep Steve’s brutal swings at bay. Some land, some don’t, but it was immaterial at this point. All that mattered was  Eddie was touching him, and if this violence was the only way he could have it, then so be it. He’d hurt him, some part of him hated him for being so cruel, but another part of him still wanted him. Needed him.

The flip-over happens again. Eddie, gripping his shirt at its shoulders to pin him down, looms over him, reddened, swelling starting to appear on the face that his wild hair was trying to hide. Steve braces himself for another glorious torrent of Eddie’s rage, but Eddie is just looking at him. His breath is shuddering, “Enough.” He pants.

Steve turns his head to the side, exposing his neck, like an act of submission, looks Eddie directly in the eye, and proceeds to bite down on his wrist. A hard slap meets the side of his face with a heated sting, followed by a hissed, “You’re insane.” 

Eddie’s hands retract as he inspects the damage, and Steve doesn’t miss the opportunity to have Eddie flat on his back again. Something unexpected happens as Steve rears his fist back to send reeling towards Eddie’s body. Eddie grabs hold of his shirt and pulls him right down with him. A creative act of self-defence, Steve thinks, as he’s being crushed in some sort of bear hug submission hold. He realises this might be the end of his fun, but then a new problem becomes apparent, something that hadn’t been a problem for almost a year now, and it might be that which loosens Eddie’s grip. As his body had been flush against Eddie, so had his growing arousal. He laughs with relief that everything still might be in working order. He thought it had been done for.

He pushes himself up a little, and now the grip is loosened. Face to face, noses centimetres apart, Steve waits for inevitable looks of pure repulsion or to be shoved away, but Eddie’s eyes will not meet his, and he’s swallowing hard. He’d got so caught up in this feeling he hadn’t realised maybe Eddie was freezing, newly afraid of something much worse that Steve might be capable of doing in this state, and that was enough to take the wind out of his sails, and he tries to get up, to give Eddie room.

As he pushes up, there is resistance. Eddie’s arms are no longer tightened around his torso, but his strong hands are splayed out on his back, keeping him in place. Steve looks back at him, and this time, their eyes meet, and both struggle to catch their breath. Steve watches as Eddie’s tongue glances over his swollen bottom lip. They must stay like that for a few seconds in the quiet, Steve busy searching Eddie’s eyes for what to do next. Unsure, he tries to push back again, but Eddie’s hands pull him back down, closer this time. Eddie’s every breath is moisture against the corner of Steve's lips.

“What do you want from me?” Steve mutters, desperately trying to tear his gaze from Eddie's mouth to look into his eyes.

“Nothing. I hate you,” Eddie replies breathily in the least believable way possible, almost like he is trying to convince himself it is true.

“Then let me go,” Steve mutters, his nose and lips brushing featherlike against Eddie’s cheek as he speaks. His prize is a shuddering breath and a growing pressure against his thigh.

“No,” Eddie says firmly, in a low register rasp that almost makes Steve’s thighs quake as it vibrates through him.

“What do you want from me?” Steve repeats the question into Eddie’s ear in a whisper.

Eddie's hands lower to the back pockets of his jeans and grip on firmly, “Only everything,” he replies.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Songs that inspired this chapter:

Frantic - Metallica Heart Attack America - The Bronx

[sharonlifeoutsidesocial]

A pill that was once hard to swallow for others is coming back to me now

26.

What a year that was... Feelings were mixed, to put it to words: there are many things that's really happening to me at the moment yet I still feel empty. I was ugly crying reading my best friend's birthday greeting and that hits hard. This was the birthday that really poured emotions I have been keeping since November.

It's not about me anymore, it's about people within my circle and slowly fading away. We arrived in San Juan, La Union on 29th I asked my best friend, Koko about med school he will pursue in the next few years. Imagine, you work best friend leaving? That broke a part of me. We stayed silent when he said he's not seeing himself working as a medical technologist in the next few years. I am trying to see the bright side, nothing is permanent though. He is continuing what paused for a while so why would I stopped someone reaching his dreams and the life he planned for himself? I did not bother asking. Next day, over sunset on my birthday I had a little moment of silence and tried seeing the bigger picture because nothing in this world is constant. I stared at the waves with pain and hope, with questions that I'm too far to know the answer. I questioned the life I have, because I dreamed of having a simple one - enjoy my youth at most and deserve the things I truly deserve. But it's weird, life threw the craziest and challenging ones that are too hard for me to solve. The kind of tired that no amount of vacation and massage therapy will ever solve. At the end of the day, that flicker of hope I only had is gone leaving me at the rock bottom and crying until 31st of March. Believe me, I just cried my heart out on that day, even us cannot pin-point where it actually hurts. He just accompanied me, the greatest gift I ever received. We were silent until we head back to Manila, it irrates him that he got burnt by the sun and a total-fail henna tattoo. He even raised his voice and I hate it, I hate it when people do that.

Going back, that time he said he's planning to study again. He told me the same exactly words I said about 3 years ago. "Huwag niyo akong antayin." Go by your decisions and do not wait for me because I don't even know what to do. I think those were the times when he was transferring to ManilaMed and I don't have the guts yet to leave Manila Doctors. That sudden feeling when your soul leaves you for a sec and your stomach really felt very empty. A pill that is even bigger is hard to take it all in. It's straight up happening to me right now, I got so scared because I will be left behind with an excess baggage. They're leaving with high hopes and better future. I am stuck with my father that's deteriorating, unable to take the exam, no money, no comfortable bed to sleep to and no time for myself anymore. I hated every minute and part of it. I hated home.

If this is all His plans, I don't know anymore. In this case, He's teaching me patience then it reached the ceiling. I actually wished for my birthday to take the pain away and let him rest. I want my old life back.

Coming into realizations, it was not my decision not to say to Koko that I plan on taking the exam. He was surprised when he knew it, I guess that was also the time of an epiphany for him. I really need to fix my papers and let this be an inspiration. I hate it to think of it that way, but I needed to get out of here first. My plans of staying in the Philippines travelling here as an individual should be set aside first and come what may for future me.

Additional realizations as I turn 26 I almost had a tattoo done, well due to being in a beautiful destination I contacted my long-time followed artist and really wanted a heart tattoo on my finger. I had to step backward for now because it's not ideal for my skin yet. While in San Juan, I also unblocked and checked on people. It's been a year since and I plan not destroying the peace I protected and saved up for the recent months. I also noticed someone got engaged in September and that's where I stopped. I will never be someone who will hurt and ruin a relationship. I will never hurt a woman by continuosly sticking to it. I may always be alone and people think desperately wanting to have a relationship, sometimes I think of it that way too but I knew in my heart that I am not ready for it. I needed a time for me to heal, to discover myself and to be alone and find my core. Here's to the single life though, I love it so much I can stay like this forever. But if there's a chance, I hope to find someone who's going to love me the way I wanted to be loved, respect the space I created for myself and just be there for me. When that time comes, I owe it to God and the universe for giving me a bonus.

I cannot believe that turning 26 would be this be very emotional and staring off with fears and tears are just unrealistic for someone. I treasured birthdays so much... It means so much to me unlike other people who don't usually mind it. It hits different when you realize you age because youth is slowly fading away, your problems got more complicated and it gives you a day to re-evaluate life. Listening and staring blankly to the waves helped a little. Eating good food half-filled the emptiness that I am feeling. Being with your best friend gave you a rest no one can replace. Staying at a different place, gave a new perspective of seeing things. Being in La Union gives an illusion of living the alter reality.

San Juan, La Union is my second home even though I visited it for the second time yet I always see myself coming back. A portion of me that I left there whispers that I needed to go back where my heart is. For now, it's my happy place. Thank you for accepting me, Elyu. One day, I'll live there. One day, I will have all the time to spend my life in the seaside and live my best life. Thanks, Elyu. For now, I will be a corporate slave in Manila, earn some money to go back to you.

[higuchisora]

Okay but like. Can we stop making our orphaned main characters grow up to be shitty parents now? Like I get that it's supposed to "add dimension" to them or whatever but at this point it's kinda tired imo. Plus it's giving really nasty vibes and connotations when you look at how common this trope is. Like am I the only one who noticed that 3 of some of the biggest shows/stories ever with, coincidentally, orphaned male main characters decided to make sequels where they end up being shitty/lackluster dads to their sons?

I get that no one's perfect, but why do they all have the same struggle that comes with the same awful connotations, especially when it doesn't even really make sense for their character/other flaws and struggles would've easily made more sense and might've even been more interesting? Like, I don't need another "Daddy Issues: The Movie", I already have my own, goddamn 🙄

It doesn't surprise me that Jhorts Khaki Rollup/the guys she worked with wrote that, whether or not they even noticed what they were implying with it. But when not only them, but Naruto and The Last Airbender both pull that shit too, in increasingly contrived ways, it's just not cool, imo.

There's some irony there, especially when considering the characters in question. All of them, at the core of their characters, come with massive insecurities and issues surrounding abandoment/craving love and family.

Let's start with Naruto. I know he and his son make up or something, but the fact that it was even an arc- plus the way they handled it- was so weird to me. Like, the original series literally had kids making fun of him for not having parents and saying shit like "well, no wonder he's dumb/rude/dirty, he doesn't have parents lol loser" and mocking him for it. It feels like they're almost proving those kids right, by making him have such a strained relationship with his son. Like they're saying "oh, of course he can't be a good dad- he's never had one." Which is beyond disgusting.

One of my friends argued that it made sense because he's now the village leader, so he's busy etc etc, but honestly? I call bullshit. Sure, being hokage was his dream. But it was his dream because he wanted to be accepted by his village, because they were treating him like shit his whole life. He just wanted to be loved. Regardless of how any decent parent should be prioritizing their child, Naruto himself, at his core, is driven by this. So to think he'd finally have a family of his own, people who love him, and he'd just ignore them in favor of work doesn't make any sense. It doesn't matter if they have a mom to watch them, Naruto would absolutely want to be part of every step of their lives.

On the other hand, with Harry, I'm more inclined to believe it, in a way. I've never read Harry Potter myself (just the movies as a kid), but people who have, told me he was actually pretty judgemental in the books. So I guess it would make sense he'd be taken aback by his son's sorting. However, he literally named him after a Slytherin. One he used to hate, by the way. It wouldn't make sense for him to be down to name his son after the guy that tormented him in school, then get mad when his son turns out to be a Slytherin. Like naming your kid after an artist, then being mad when he grows up to like art. It's just weird. He's literally deeply insecure about not having parents/a family, so I can't really imagine him not throwing as much love as he can towards his kids regardless of how they turn out.

The same goes for Aang, even more so. This guy was a fucking monk, one whose people got fucking genocide'd. Sure, you might argue that that's what would make him so preoccupied with revitalizing Airbenders and why he'd be so bummed his kids weren't airbenders, but even then I just can't see it. He's lost everyone, but he's also the same guy who lowkey gave up the avatar state for Katara, still does that dorky fucking spinning marble trick at his grown age. He'd fucking love his family with all he has, considering he's lost his other family. And, I'm going to be honest here. I just don't fucking believe Katara would just sit there and let him neglect his kids. I don't care what anyone has to say about his motives or how they feel about Katara; love or hate her, that girl would not fucking stand for that shit. She'd kick his ass six ways to Sunday and then drag him in for counseling, even if that counseling was just Sokka with a beard and mustache glued on. People seem to forget, she's not the Avatar's Wife, she's Katara, who happens to be married to Aang, who happens to be the Avatar. You saw how she was with her dad (and Sokka). That shit would not fly in her house.

It's like when they write the Asian character as a nerd with 1st gen immigrant parents who run a laundromat, or the only black character having an absent/incarcerated father. It's one thing if it happens IRL, it's another when you go out of your way to enforce stereotypes/harmful beliefs in your writing. Even if it wasn't intended, it's not excusable.

There's others, and more I'd like to say, but those are the ones I remember distinctly, and it just disappoints and pisses me off to see so many creators collectively go with the narrative that the orphan has to be a bad parent. I don't care if that's not what they meant, or that it was for "drama" or "complexity". This is an ongoing trend, especially for such a specific demographic/type of main character, and it's not only gross, but incredibly damaging, too. It doesn't need to be intentional to be harmful. I know people whose exact fear is becoming a shitty parent because they've had asbent/abusive/neglectful parents and/or a bad childhood. Hell, I'm one of them, though I don't plan on having kids. It feels like they're just feeding into that fear and perpetuating this harmful sentiment.

[fortheseventh]

"You'll never earn money in art, it's a hobby, choose a different career."

"Not many people actually make it..."

"People won't know your name until you're dead."

The career I dream of may not be noble, honorable, or even that successful for most, but I don't care. I probably *won't* be the next Van Gogh, Neil Gaiman, or Coco Chanel. Many people have heard the phrases above, I've heard all come out of people who I NEEDED to support me (my mother and father), however because I have immigrate parents, they'd had hoped for something bigger. Because they allowed me to live here, privileged and worry-free.

I heard the 1st phrase when I was 7 in 3rd grade. I had only started drawing more passionately that following year. Now that my art has improved since then though, my mother loves to tell everyone how talented I am, as if she ever supported me in the beginning. When she completely shut down my ambitions. I know that I should be grateful, I know people will try to defend my mother, BUT I AM TIRED. I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE DEFENDING HER— WHEN I AM THE ONE COMPLAINING AND ASKING FOR HELP! WHEN I AM TRYING TO BE COMFORTED! WHEN I AM TRYING TO BE DEFENDED!

MY FEELINGS WILL NOT BE IGNORED, why defend her, when I'm telling you exactly the wrong SHE is doing!!! I get it, "she's not here to defend herself", I KNOW. WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK I'M EVEN COMFORTABLE TELLING YOU THIS CRAP?

It would HURT when I'd hear friends tell me this, and they know who they are. I understand YOU have your life planned out, you already have an idea of what you want to be, AND ITS RESPECTED. Don't you think I know that I've gone over me possibly failing? Why don't YOU believe in me? Why am I alone?

I heard the 2nd phrase when I was around 10, around the December of 4th grade. I've heard it more often now, usually paired alongside "AI will replace you anyways."

It's disgusting to hear that. Art is about humanity. AI, though made BY humans, is not human at all. AI art can't even get hands right, and hands were part of the very first human art forms invented. When people realize that art is what brings humanity together, I'll be there saying I TOLD YOU SO. Art has been expressed so much, connecting everyone. People TURN TO art when they are low, ARTISTS are what raised you, made you whole. The cartoons and shows you watched were drawn and written by artists. Art is everywhere and not appreciated as much as it should be.

Back in May 2023, the film industry FELL APART without the skills of artists, writers, and actors. Movies were pushed back because of the strike. Now everyone is complaining how barely any movies are being shown in theaters this year. WE ARTISTS ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT ART. AND YOU AND YOUR LITTLE ROBOTS, will NOT... TAKE IT AWAY FROM US.

We know that art is easily being copied, we know that authors are publishing more books about porn then actual stories and they're doing it fast, we know that fast fashion is killing the fashion industry. We aren't them, we're better than them.

The last phrase, was around when I was 8, it was still 3rd grade. I was really adamant about being able to succeed as an artist. I STILL AM!! Though my preaching fell of deaf ears and my mother wouldn't even budge. Until she yelled at me telling to do better that same day when she saw my grades and god forbid, I had a C in a class.

She had only realized my failures, my flaws, and faults, not my multiple awards and successes. And when she was pushed off the edge she just snapped. But it was just a regular Tuesday for her, and she'd forgotten by the next week. Maybe in her eyes, I'd only be remembered greatly, when I was dead. That's what families do at funerals do anyways. Never remembering that I had a messy room one day, or a C in my class I turned into an A.

Usually in this point of my rant or vent, I'd apologize, but I won't be apologizing. I deserve to be heard. Art deserves to be respected. And people will know my name before I'm dead.

[zombinafonfrankenstein]

Could you tell something about your OCs? :)

I am not sure which ones you mean so I will write about the ones I think about the most these days.

Well, I don't know much about them...

Arseny/Uncle Senia is an old man, he used to be an artist, drew decorations for the theater, but he was fired recently. He almost never speaks, poorly understands when others talk to him and has a tendency to overthink other people's feelings. It makes him very bad at communicating, he was dependent on someone close the most part of his life, but often prefers to keep distance because of the fear to hurt someone. At the same time, he is terribly naive, his guilt is easily manipulated. In the 80s, he worked with a very unusual underground creative association known as the Loop affected by punk (I really don't know what they did and Arseny avoids of talking about them, he himself isn't sure what they did, he was just their little silly guy). His nickname was Торчком, which meant a stray strand of hair on top of his head, but also sounds like something about drug addiction. He never had any bad habits, don't worry: he is too sweet and innocent to such stuff.

Zhenia is his great-niece, just 14 years old. She is the closest person to him. She once studied at a cadet school, but dropped out: she hated all the patriotic propaganda. Now her health is really bad, she spends most of her time in hospitals and may be sent to hospice very soon. She has long blonde hair, wears same sweater all the time, listens to Siberian punk and hates bathing because it's too tiring for someone in her condition. Her face is covered with painful acne. Currently she is in the hospital near Arseny's house. Arseny often visits her, once he gave her a handmade dollhouse. Zhenya tells him a lot about her interests, and he sits and listens. It's the only thing that calms her down and the only kind of communication he is capable of. Poor Zhenia believes this world needs big changes and hates herself because she can't change anything. She considers herself useless, what she doesn't understand is that people don't live just to be used.

Arseny knows how to put himself into lucid dreams. Every night he visits the city of Astrin, full of asters, with a clear starry sky and a wonderful theater. In his dreams he imagines Zhenia healthy, living with him. His happiness is just to have a friend. For unknown reasons, the fog from the sea is slowly destroying the city and Arseny, even though it is his own dream, cannot stop the destruction.

Due to Arseny's tendency for isolation, he did not know Zhenya until he recently gave her a ride to the hospital. He knew that he had a great-niece at the cadet school, but he imagined her to be totally different - some drama queen who dreams about the poets of the XIX century.

Such girl visits his dreams too. He is afraid of such dreams because sometimes it seems like she's flirting of him and he is afraid of being the guy who dreams about 14 years old girl flirting with him. Actually she is just my self-insert girl, Liza, who is very bad in understanding other people's boundaries and reads too much of love poems.

Liza lives in the same neighbourhood. She attends a theater studio and a fencing section. She loves goth and vintage stuff. Before meeting Zhenya, she thought that she would never meet a blonde girl, blondes were associated with her only with fairy-tale princesses. One day the boys were teasing Liza, and Zhenya, who was walking by, said something like "Fuck you all." In fact, Zhenya was just muttering something about her own problems, but Lisa thought that the beautiful princess was standing up for her, and since then she has been fighting for the attention of the girl who simply does not have the strength to communicate. Liza has a magic power to visit another people's dreams. She is too shy to visit Zhenya's dreams, so she was happy to find Arseny. Both in reality and in the dreams Zhenia just despises Liza because Liza romanticises XIX century, listens to dumb songs and just is such an unbearable drama queen. Same time, they have some sweet interactions.

Lisa is also in a close relationship with a certain Count Zamsheltsev (because this is the ideal name that I call most of my male characters by default). Count Zamsheltsev is a sad ghost, a memory of a man, a dream. He lived nearby a long time ago and is buried in the local cemetery. Now he appears to Liza in her dreams and asks her to protect his unsuccessful manuscript from publication. He wears a mask. One day Lisa took off his mask and shuddered with horror: under the mask there was not death, but life — countless larvae, beetles, worms, everything that lives among the corpses.

Ulyana is a mature, plump woman dressed in black, like a nun. She sweeps the streets in Astrin. She is some kind of supernatural entity who wants Arseny to get out of the loop of self-loathing. She tries to talk to Arseny, but he can only hear what he is ready for, so he perceives all her words as a mystery. Arseny is sure that he did not imagine her and she shouldn't be in his dream. Count Zamsheltsev recognizes her, but avoids her. She may help Lisa one day get over the separation from Zhenya. Zhenia isn't actually in this dream, so she doesn't meet Ulyana, at least in this form and in this place.

[deadass-pool]

october 22, 2023 - hi

life is weird.

in a way that i just realized that this time around last year i was with Gab and i was watching Loona for the first time with him and other Ppop and Kpop acts. I was hung over some dude, because he hasn't replied to me the entire day.

AND I ALSO REMEMBERED, craziest part, is that when i was with Gab waiting for the show to start, he mentioned about knowing who Kuki is and that we both just know her as the cool girl who dress well on instagram.

CRAZIER PART, i am now in a band with Kuki, the same fucking day and I am literally typing this as I upload our pictures on our drive because I'm still not THAT tired yet.

I don't have any words about this, but I truly believe I am meant to make music with the coolest people I know. And seeing that I am literally just connecting with the people who have always been around where it is sometimes frustrating because it would make me think "why haven't I met this person before?" but it is real when they said time will truly tell.

I mentioned before that I have a band now, i think, in my past blog entries. Alot has happened, lost alot of friends especially the ones who I thought would stick around in the end, I know it's my fault at my end too, but some of us just do get tired of reaching out. I will be telling that story in the next few entries but for now, I would like to tell you that life was weird in a good way for me.

Artists that I've been listening to are slowly acknowledging us, as the band. It's weird how these are just the cool guys that you used to follow on the internet when you were in college because you thought they were cool and you were merely just known as an "enjoyer" and a chronic shitposter with a soundcloud account.

We were being invited to numerous gigs left and right and prod teams really do ask for us to play at their events and that's crazy, I didn't know that we were that fun to have around. It's nice to see that people like us too.

I have so much hope for this band, alot has happened too. Alot of changes and each of our lives were still uncovering in each passing day or whatever the fuck i'm saying at this point. It's just crazy how I always knew I am meant for this. To be on stage, to be in front of the people and to play music with my friends.

We were fully booked the entire October with gigs here and there, and we even had the time where we had 2 gigs for like 2 days straight back in August. That's also crazy!

I am having fun and I haven't felt like this in so long. It's like coming home to a place where you always belong. I love music so much and I hope to play more and make more with my band. I truly believe in us. I really do.

I am meant to be heard in sounds that I make and I am meant to be surrounded by the same people who share the same dreams as I do.

Sincerely,

me

[void-inked-pen]

What’s your take on the current WB situation right now(that being the constant cancellations of animated content, shutting down studios like Cartoon Network, or erasing stuff from HBO MAX, not even allowing them to be accessible for dvd or Blu Ray)?

Ah, i was wondering if someone would bring this up.

I am... very upset with the animation industry rn.

many companies have been increasing their turnover rates for animated projects, even after we have tried so hard to get more hospitable working environment in the industry. To explain, a turnover rate is how often people are let go from a project. For most animated projects, you're usually only on said project for how ever long your contract lasts (or until the show gets cancelled cause lets be real, shows are getting cancelled left and right regardless of it they are popular or not). Animators are used to jumping from project to project because you only work on a show for somewhere between a handful of months, to a few years and then you start looking for another job.

recently, I've noticed a trend where people will join a project, and then after a few months of working, suddenly they're laying people off, ignoring the contract they signed and just getting people out of the crew. this behavior has escalated and now shows just randomly are getting cancelled because some new guy is in charge and thinks he understands business or how animation works.

This is what's been happening with WBA. Cartoon Network, the kings of original properties, are basically being forced to do reboots. As a huge fan of them for what they have made and done, this is extremely upsetting to me. I've always dreamed of working at Cartoon Network if I ever joined a major studio but every days its looking like studios are just out to punch me in the gut because I just don't agree with anything they are doing anymore.

It doesn't help that EVERYONE is doing reboots rn either. I'm so, SICK OF REBOOTS. Artists have so many cool and fun stories to tell, LET THEM TELL THEIR STORIES FOR FUCKS SAKE!!

I honestly believe, individual/indie company projects are going to be what saves the animation industry rn. major companies have proven they only care about money time and time again and just keep throwing artists to the way side, not caring about how much we care about our craft. Making our own projects ourselves with crew that we pick and are passionate about making stories are gonna be what helps our craft evolve and keep going. The major studios are not going to be what help us move forward anymore.

Rad Sechrist and his friends making their own projects on their own, Vivsiepop and her series online, Lake Fama and their storyboard comic series, all of these incredible creators are telling their stories on their own because they can and because they just don't think any company would greenlight their stuff so they're doing it on their own (Lake I'm not entirely sure but I know their story is a personal project they're doing with their wife and I just wanna shout it out, here's the link to that project if you wanna read~).

The current sphere of animation is why I mainly do freelance and want to get my comic off the ground this year as well as build up to my animation pitch becoming a full pilot. I honestly am just tired of the industry I'm in right now constantly being a mess and I can't see myself working in it while its so turbulent and just.... I'm tired of watching my fellow creators get absolutely shit on daily by men at the top.

Those are my thoughts. Thank you for the ask. if anyone wants to talk with me about animation as well as action... i would love to talk to you~

-Pen