#i don't regret a thing though

[egophiliac]

Do you play genshin impact or honkak a

Star rail?

I don't play Honkai, but I've just started looking into Genshin Impact's story (someone described Neuvillette's character to me and I was like. hmm. HMM.) I haven't gotten far yet -- really JUST started looking at it -- but I'm looking forward to more! :D

(I know almost nothing about these characters yet, I'm probably drawing them SUPER wrong, sorry)

[stardust-moth]

In order to fully understand why it was so hard for Mike to express how deeply he loves El, and why his speech at the end of season 4 was one of the biggest, most important moments for his entire character, we need to look at not just who Mike is as a person, but also everything that has happened since he met her.

Every single time he opens up his heart to her, something horrible happens to her or she's taken away from him almost immediately afterwards.

1x08; he's an awkward little ball of feelings that are way too big for a boy so young. He makes a nervous attempt at confessing and asking her out on a date; when he can't find words that she'll understand, swoops in for a kiss instead. She lights up immediately and smiles. It's a brief moment of hope and pure happiness. Maybe they can have some semblance of a normal life and be normal kids after this is all over.

Minutes later, all hell breaks loose-- they're almost shot, El pushes herself too far until she can barely move, she's almost taken away by the Bad Men, the Demogorgon appears, and she uses the very last of her strength to sacrifice herself to save him and their friends.

He has to watch helplessly as she disappears.

He spends a year caught between believing she's dead and hoping she's still out there somewhere (but if she is alive then why won't she talk to him anymore...?). Kept silent under threat by the lab, he can't confide in anyone or even acknowledge her existence, not with anyone except those involved... but everyone else is keen on moving on and pretending it never happened. He can find some solidarity in Will, at least, who is in a similar kind of emotional turmoil... but it's not the same and it's not enough.

2x9; he is finally reunited with El, and she runs into his arms like she missed him too. She tells him that all those nights he called out to her, she heard him; she was there reciprocating his feelings the whole time.

In a burst of emotions that he's been forced to suppress for an entire year, he lashes out at the reason they've been kept apart (Hopper), screaming and sobbing. It's a massive catharsis for him, and for once an adult is understanding enough to hold him and not punish him for it.

Minutes later, she is going to go headfirst into a pit of monsters, the place where Mike had just firsthand witnessed dozens of people (if not more) get ripped to shreds only hours earlier, and she is going to attempt to close the Gate-- a feat that he knows may take every ounce of her power, just like last time. He cries. He can't lose her again. She promises he won't, and before she can seal that promise with a kiss, they're pulled apart again.

He has to watch helplessly as she drives away.

3x1; all seems to be okay now. He and El are happily together, and he feels comfortable enough to be playful, romantic, and intimate with her. It's the most emotionally open we've ever seen Mike thus far.

For reasons he can't understand (bc there's no way Hopper explained himself beyond "I'm in charge so do as I say or else"), Hopper is angry about it and threatens to never allow him to see her again: the one thing he fears most.

He panics big time and fucks it up in the process by lying to her. During a frantic attempt to apologize while also abiding by Hopper's rules, he runs into her at the mall. He panics again-- if anyone finds her here, and knows that he was here too, it's all over, and Hopper surely won't hear reason. El dumps him cold on the spot, spurred on by Max and her rebellious attitude (and without any context of course). He isn't given much opportunity to respond. He knows he's in the wrong for lying to her, so what could he even say...?

He has to watch helplessly as she drives away.

It's a hard blow, and he retreats back into himself, unable to get any joy out of playing D&D (which he clearly hasn't lost interest in), back to the deadpan sarcasm and accidentally snapping a little too harshly at anyone whom he feels would take El's place.

3x6; no one seems to understand the danger El is putting herself in. Everyone is berating him for worrying about her safety. He's seen firsthand what these monsters do to people, he's seen firsthand how El pushes her abilities too far. No one is listening.

The words "I love her and I can't lose her again" burst out in his desperation, perhaps before he's even had a chance to realize how deep those feelings run, despite whatever protective walls he's tried to build around his heart to keep it from getting broken again.

Soon after, all hell breaks loose. El is nearly killed several times over, her leg is ripped open, she pushes herself so hard that she breaks herself and loses her powers completely. Her father is taken from her. She's shattered by all of this, and there's absolutely nothing he could do or say to make it better.

She tells him that when he admitted he loves her, she heard him, and indeed she loves him, too... But now she's leaving.

He has to watch helplessly as she drives away.

4x1; they've been apart for a few months, and write letters back and forth to each other. El's letters paint a picture of an ideal new life: she and the Byers family are doing well; she's starting school and it's going well; she's made new friends, she likes her new home, everything is going well. She seems to be thriving. She sounds happy, maybe even happier than she had been living in Hawkins. Maybe Max was right, maybe she's better off being her own person without him, and maybe the respectful thing to do is step back... It's a small insecurity that creeps up subconsciously. In his replies he holds back, afraid of clinging too hard.

Though there's little logic in it, he's afraid that if he tells her he loves her again, another disaster might strike and this lovely happy life she's finally found might get taken from her. After all, that's what always seems to happen when he does.

4x2; after months of waiting, they can finally see each other again. He wears her favorite colors, picks a handful of flowers for her, and falls happily back into step with how they used to be. Soon that same day, however, reality becomes clear and the facade crumbles. People he was told were her friends show up to torment and publicly humiliate her. She had been lying. She isn't happy here, she hasn't healed, she is right at the edge of a breaking point that he doesn't see coming at all. He can't believe she would lie to him, she's not the kind of person to lie... especially not about something like bullying, something that she was always so understanding about with him.

On that logicless subconscious level, he wonders if it's all his fault-- he should have known somehow, he should have been there for her. She protected him from his bullies, he should have protected her from hers. He tries to come to her rescue. She runs away from him.

He's helpless to save her, again.

4x3; after a night to process everything that happened-- and deciding that the betrayal he feels from her lying to him is nothing compared to the turmoil she must be going through right now-- Mike approaches her in the gentlest way possible, wanting to listen and trying to understand. El, however, isn't receptive at all to his attempts at reassurance. She is at an all-time low, she's given up. She believes she is unlovable, irredeemable, a monster, just a thing that doesn't even have those superhuman abilities to compensate anymore. Mike can't believe what he's hearing-- doesn't she know that she's always been so much more than her powers? She's always been so much more than what she lacks in quote-unquote "normalcy"... None of those things matter, they have absolutely no bearing on whether she's worthy of being loved, because he loves her, completely regardless of any of these things. He always has...

El starts flinging his restrained words back at him, the products of his insecurity and trauma-induced fear. That fear takes hold yet again, and he stumbles, afraid of saying too much or not enough, because surely both could result in pushing her away-- she's retreating, hearing none of it; nothing he tries to say consoles her.

Moments later, local police come knocking. She's taken away in cuffs, and she's so broken inside that she won't even look at him when he chases the police car down the street and promises he'll get her out somehow...

Once again, he has to watch helplessly as she drives away.

4x8/4x9; after days of driving through the heat and dryness of southwest desert, having narrowly escaped being shot at with military-grade assault rifles, witnessing the death of and burying a man whose last words were that El is in danger... After watching dozens of people get mowed down by a sniper in a helicopter, and watching that same helicopter be smashed into the ground in a ball of flames...

There she is. Just as powerful and beautiful and alive as she's ever been. When he runs to her and embraces her, she looks at him like she can't believe he's real. She's beaming a smile right from her soul and it's like all the insecurity and self-doubt that have plagued them both just vanish from existence now that they're in each other's arms again.

Like always, however, the universe comes crashing down soon after. Max is marked for a gruesome death and all of Hawkins is in danger. They're miles away and helpless, and the only possible way for El to save everyone is if she goes in alone. She's stronger than ever, but so is her foe. Once again, she descends to face all the demons of hell on her own, and Mike can't do anything.

She's losing. She's choking. She's dying. He's helpless.

He must be cursed. He must be. Being with her, loving her, allowing himself to admit he loves her, it always brings only pain and suffering and loss. His heart is so full that it's aching, it's bursting out of his chest, and he can't contain it any longer.

She's going to die and it's going to be all his fault, because he fell in love, and it's cursed her.

Just before it all crumbles into utter despair, the earnest support from his oldest and dearest friend-- one who's always shared and understood his feelings of helplessness-- sparks a light of hope in him: "You're the Heart." You're not helpless. You can save her.

The words that come spilling out of Mike's mouth are truer than any he's ever dared to speak before, and it's the most terrified he's ever been, but he has enough courage for this moment. Despite all of the fears that have been building, stifling, choking him to death for years-- fears that the light of his life will inevitably disappear again, and there's nothing he can do to stop it-- despite it all, he pours out his heart to her.

He loves her. He's always loved her. He loves everything she ever was, is, and could be. He can't imagine a world without her in it. She saved him, in every way a person can be saved. And he needs her to live. He believes in her.

And it works. It's music to her ears.

[ai-the-broccoli]

enemies to lovers / but you'll never own my heart

@luzon-dove happy birthday, Quinn!! As a present, I decided to draw a piece fanart of your "blood in the walls of the yagami house" AU fic series, since I found it very well-written and full of super interesting ideas and concepts. I hope you like it!

[daily-odile]

Odile patting Molly Epithet Erased on the head, you know why

have two bc i care them

[wanderer-clarisse]

"Mano po."

Pagmamano (Tagalog) - "honouring-gesture;" a sign of respect towards elders

A continuation of sorts, of this other drawing I made of the Feänorians, which was roughly inspired by Filipino culture. I originally planned on completing this for @nolofinweanweek, specifically the first prompt about how Fingolfin and Feänor's families got along, but life got in the way and I didn't finish it in time. More background/my long rambles under the cut:

Pagmamano - touching the back of an elder's hand on one's forehead - is not restricted to family, but it's usually done in the context of elder family members. I have many memories of attending family reunions and being told to follow the other kids to "mano po" a grandfather, aunt, or uncle. While Elves don't have elderly relatives, per se, I thought this image was too fun not to draw. Also, I love envisioning Feänor as that cool uncle who gives the most amazing gifts but like, the kids are intimidated by him, so they have to be told (and supervised) by their parents to line up and greet him properly. Fingolfin's just standing there making sure his kids all greet their uncle. (Maedhros, presumably having already finished his greetings, is sidetracking Fingon.)

All this to say, I think that these guys didn't have the perfect relationship. But. You can't convince me Finwë didn't get the whole family together from time to time on some sort of family reunion camping trip. And Feänor just has to begrudgingly tolerate it because he can't say no to his dad. While the kids, obviously, have a great time.

[mountpyro]

So...Okarun definitely has Thoughts about the Ayase family dynamic, right?

Every time I see Momo and Seiko interacting in the show, I can't help but wonder what's going on inside Okarun's head. Like, he heard Momo gassing her up when they first met and talking about how much she regrets her past actions while they were ghost/alien hunting--but then the first time he sees them together they constantly fight and call each other stupid/hag.

Whatever you think his home situation is, he has to find the dissonance between Momo's words to him and actions to her grandmother strange, and maybe even concerning. He probably hasn't said anything because:

He's an awkward fellow, after all.

He does see the moments where they stop pretending to hate each other.

But he definitely notices that things are strange; probably has already come to the conclusion that their current behavior stems from Momo's temper tantrum and years-long silent treatment. And the fact that both Ayase women seem to be allergic to talking about their feelings or apologizing.

So what if one day...he decides to meddle?

He definitely thinks it's not his place to do so, but at the same time he is falling madly in love with this girl. And her grandmother has accepted him into her home, feeds him, helped them both with their paranormal problems, and given him the first place that he feels he belongs in. He feels like he owes it to them to at least facilitate a better understanding between them. They both saved him--keep saving him--and he wants to at least save them from feeling like the only way they can communicate is with insults and bringing up the past.

However, doing something about a rocky relationship without making it worse is even harder than it sounds, and Okarun isn't exactly swimming in interpersonal relationship experience. He hasn't figured out what to do, and the only thing he has decided for sure is that he can't rely on their other friends for this task. They mean well, and most of them have more experience with making up with people than he does, but he thinks that they are a bit clumsy for something so delicate. So for now, he just tries to keep them closer together and distract Ayase-san when she gets a bit too vitriolic.

Meanwhile: Seiko and Momo are extremely grateful for the craziness of the last few months bringing them closer together than they've been in literal years, and have no interest in rocking the boat and upending all the progress they've made--even if they think things could improve more quickly.

Also they are a bit confused why four-eyes recently prefers to quietly hang out with Momo in the living room while Seiko watches her shows instead of letting her drag him up to her room like usual.

[affluent-havoc]

Finished Chapter 2! SPOILERS AHEAD! I must say that this chapter oddly made me dislike Makoto a bit. I genuinely thought I'd potentially dislike Byakuya in some ways more, perhaps feel a bit more upset at him than I do. On the contrary though, Makoto sucks in some ways. Which, don't get me wrong. Makoto deserves to be a flawed individual!! Golly though. For one, he really is a normie in some ways with how little he knows. How he asks so many unneeded questions, specifically when he was being dragged around by Byakuya which I get to some extent. He was very much disoriented from the whole ordeal, struggling to figure out why Byakuya of all people was interested in him specifically in regards of sleuthing about for the investigation. At the same time though, he needs to quit it with the rhetorical reciting questions that almost parrot what the other person just said. I get it's probably a bad habit of his but he need to get a grip about it. I can only extent sympathy for so long. Being a bit intentionally dramatic here by the way, but it sometimes feels like a tension killer or that it makes Makoto look a bit too dense. Don't get me started on the whole "rope" debacle too. Like, UUUUUGH! It's so obviously the extension cord Byakuya used in the library! So very obvious! Like, Byakuya took his time to bring Makoto to the library and I get Byakuya was being stubborn and not letting Makoto look at anything other than what he wanted him to look at. But it's so OBVIOUS!!! Though, I suppose I can blame a bit of this on the game design to some extent. Certainly doesn't make Makoto look smarter by any means. Maybe it's that denial where I can see Makoto's smarts shine in the trials so I feel like I'm internally being a bit harsh on him. I've seen others call him dense after all and I DO wanna look at Makoto in a positive light. I don't wanna be hating on the little bastard after all. It does get on my nerves sometimes though. and I can't lie to myself about that. Furthermore, the fact that I had to progress the trial by Hangman's Gambit-ing a slur for schizophrenic people regarding Genocide Jack. On a meta level, I get that doing D.I.D is a bit short and the full term is probably too long to do for just the second dang trial. Definitely not an excuse to use a slur that has no means being here though. Also though, in an in-world explanation, damnit, Makoto. You sure do have some shit you gotta sort out if that's what you're internally describing Jack as who, by the way, does not have schizophrenia. D.I.D and schizophrenia are very much not the same disorder. You called D.I.D a split personality multiple times which shows you know the difference. And, I can get it to some extent that, yes. This game is from the 2000s. The 2000s was definitely a more ableist time where terminology like that was flung around like it was nothing. So, in a sense of historical accuracy, I can understand why he might have said this word. I must also mention though that this isn't the first time Makoto was unnecessarily cruel to the others internally in his head. Thus, this certainly feels a bit more like a pattern of behavior for him. This is all interesting to me though with how much I've seen this side of Makoto ignored in some ways. He's surprisingly more judgmental than I feel some give him credit for. From internally thinking Taka was annoying when he first met him to finding Hifumi weird for his interests in Hifumi's own Free-time events (which I get. Hifumi isn't exactly written in the nicest light. Don't blame him for that. I blame the dated writing). I find this aspect of Makoto so intriguing though. In a way, Byakuya, the asshole of the group who dislikes everyone and mentions multiple times how he plans on following through with a murder, is less judgmental than Makoto. He said himself not to judge others by your own standards before the murder, during the investigation, and after the trial like he was the narrator of a children's book giving the moral of the story.

Fascinating...

[tinystepsforward]

ngl it makes me want to die a little bit that it's so often trans people who feel that sex is mutable but oppression is always-forever based on asab in ways that allow them to demand that information from other trans people. like it feels fucking bad. it feels bad when it's people holding up someone who posts a lot of selfies as transition goals to a degree they have to clarify what they have or haven't done or what "direction" they're going in, it feels worse when people are out there like "caster semenya is not tma" or whatever the fuck. i am, as always, not a trans woman, but here's a sentiment echoed by many of the trans women around me who log the fuck off, quoted directly from one: "people who draw a clear line where they say that semenya or khelif are tme and then call me tma are just calling me male at this point".

like i get it. i really do. we seek community and shared experiences, and we feel betrayed when people have less in common with us than we thought they did. [*more on this later.] but that's not those people's faults and my god in the case i'm seeing play out on twitter rn this poor person did absolutely nothing to intentionally mislead people, just posted pictures of their actual kid self. who looks a lot like i did, because shockingly enough "we can always tell" doesn't fucking work for trans people either!

on the one hand i move in intersex circles which are unapologetically welcoming in cis "dyadic" people with pcos, because it serves nobody to draw a clear line where mutilation or genetics or some ineffable childhood suffering are what make somebody intersex, especially when most of us (esp in places like nz) have never been karyotyped and are being treated for symptoms without a pinned-down cause anyway. the more of us there are the stronger we are, the more pressure we can exert on a medical profession which doesn't like to consider how common outliers are, how uneasy sex is at all. and then on the other hand there's dyadic trans people on the internet who've yelled me out of spaces because a couple of traumatised incarcerated trans women i worked with as a prison abolitionist assumed i was also a trans woman and i didn't immediately tell them my entire csa-involved history of being sexed in varying ways as an infant and child and/or exactly how big my phallus was at birth or where in my junk config my urethra lives so they could decide i was tme or whatever.

returning to the * for a related but not identical thought: i think presuming shared experiences leads to some fucked shit in general! "oh we all had a radfem phase" or "oh we all were channers" no we fucking weren't and it's particularly obnoxious when me & mine are trying to build trans community locally to organise and resist the growing wave of far-right backlash against our existence, and there's just white people in there on a spectrum from "straight up being antisemitic and trying to get the n-word pass" through "handwringing about how they need to make space for people who aren't politically correct" to "handwringing about how brown people are right to be mad at them but doing shit fuckall". and then the other fucking brown people in the space are on some identity politics shit where they're like "trans joy inherently excludes those of us who could get deported" or "big city white queers are killing us by being visible instead of going stealth bc it stirs up the discourse" or whatever the fuck i've heard pulled out this year. there's a bunch of reasons i primarily organise outside of trans spaces and that's one of them. i've never felt more alone in spaces where people claim we're all the same than being left as the brownest moderator or organiser in a space full of people to whom "this is a safe trans space" apparently means they get to abdicate all other responsibilities not to lapse into presumed shared patterns that are fucking racist or otherwise alienating. i've never felt more alone than surrounded by exclusively trans people who sort people into boxes and assume everyone in those boxes has the transition goals they have. like i was on cypro until it disagreed with me to the point of endocrine crisis and now i'm on t and at both those points people were so fucking presumptive or entitled to my reasons or journey or personal relationship w my body

literally just submitted on (and was invited to consult on) the nz law commission's review of the human rights act and like. it's straight up fucked how many nz trans people fully do not comprehend that any "sex assigned at birth" type definitions fundamentally exclude migrants who have no way of proving it and many intersex people who happen to have been reassigned later or many times or never assigned at all as a baby. we can't make law with this shit and that's why we have to have symmetrical protections for all genders/sexes/expressions/presentations, bc naming and defining a protected class here often leaves the people who already are left out from those shared experiences of marginalisation out in the cold when they face violence

[karmaajr]

guys I fucked up..

thought it would be cool for me n my friend to "mark eachother" w my deodorant in the park near school (I had it in my pe kit) and uhhh

mb y'all (im so cooked 💀)

[protect-namine]

.

[insertsomthinawesome]

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! Okay so honestly I have been very very inconsistent over the years with just disappearing for periods of time due to various things 😂 So it probably seemed pretty normal to most people.

But it felt different on my side, so I'm excited to be back in business. I took a month long hiatus! 31 days of not drawing digital art. Its not something I talk about on here? But I've been suffering from some serious long term Art Burnout for.... a really really long time. Long enough that I should've taken a break probably years ago. It finally got so bad that I could barely draw. I was scared to do it (cause it always looked "bad" in my eyes [i'll come back to that]) and doing it was exhausting and disheartening.

I talked it over with somebody and realized that the fear and anger and frustration I felt towards my own artwork was uh. Not Normal or Healthy. And I finally committed to taking a real break for once.

I still drew a little bit by hand? Traditional art has always felt like it has lower stakes for me (i don't often share it online, and sometimes I don't even share it with friends) so I did some of that when I felt like it. But Digital art was completely off the table.

I had put such an immense pressure on myself to make my digital art perfect, to make as much of it as quickly as possible to satisfy something. It wasn't fun anymore. I'm proud of what i've made over the years! But for a long time now the stuff I've been making was made while hating every second of making it. With some rare exceptions.

I hated my art! It was a combination of Perfectionism, taking in too many external expectations, and the burnout. If you hate doing something its kinda hard to love it even when you want too lol. It wasn't "Bad" in the sense that the quality was low and it was ugly! It was "Bad" in the sense that it was unhealthy for me to keep doing it at that point in time.

I'm glad to report though, that with my hiatus officially over as of Wednesday last week: I am once again. In Love. With doing art, and being an artist :)

I put off taking a break for years cause I was scared that taking a break would mean that I would never achieve all the things I wanted to do with art. I was scared it was a stupid and lazy thing to do that would mean I'd never achieve my dreams. And Also even though I kinda hated drawing, I also loved making art. Its a weird duality that I can't even really explain??? I hated it but I also loved it. I wanted it but I also wanted to run from it. It wasn't until I was more mature and had more clarity and insight (and unfortunately also until the problems got worse) that I was finally able to let go of those fears and just do it.

And I'm really really glad I did. It was everything I needed. And I hope to strike a better balance in the future with art. Taking more breaks when I need them, or just when other things have my attention like reading or Video games (Some star rail got played during this time xD)

From the outside things probably aren't going to be that different?? At this point I don't really have any sure plans to post anything I've been drawing since my Hiatus ended. I might or I might not xD I'm still a hobbyist artist taking things at her own pace, but I hope that it shows how much happier I am :)

Whumptober 2023 is being officially put to rest by this post btw! I was in major burnout when that event started, and I'm ready to just, move on from all the past expectations I'd shoved on my shoulders. If I feel like filling any of the prompts or going back to any of the ideas I'd come up for it I will! But I'm not going to worry about doing it unless the desire sets in. Thanks to everybody who's been so kind to me throughout my time on here as an artist! Ya'lls tags and screaming and kind words, the fanfic, the asks and the responses? Its been fantastic :) You guys have made me laugh, smile, and cry tears of joy. I hope from here that things only get better and sweeter! And if I have bad days again, that's okay too.

Here's to 2024 and whatever it may bring ya'll :D 🎉🎉✨✨🧡💜

[raiiny-bay]

making something (maybe)

[music-for-them-asses]

I graduated college TEN YEARS AGO today 😳😳😳

[strawberriesinmoominvalley]

sorry i can't stop making everything about grief it is inherent to love

[stemacademics]

small update

ok so um I got my number theory paper today, and the TA had cut marks for me because i left the answer at 66^2 and not 4356 (fermat's little theorem) 😔 I even wrote the full proof

my friend told me I should mail the TA about this, I got 14/20 and should be getting 17or18/20 😔

scores aside, number theory is so much fun, so much fun. the only good thing here is that I know the concepts well, and I fully knew the paper (still fucked it up, because I'm so frickin slow while writing and time). and it hurts worse because there's not enough proof that validates my knowledge. which in turn makes me question if i actually do have any.

I am, in general, a person who does well in concepts but screws up the exams (70% of the time) and I'm trying, I'm trying to get myself out of this "exam paniK" that I often spiral into, just minutes before the exam. I hope I change and grow; I hope, I hope.

[dxxtruction]

I am kind of not seeing Armand wanting to kill Louis. This would be far too out of character for me to ever beleive. I'm thinking he was doing whatever he could to live in his definition of survival, or at least doing all this to maintain his bubble of control. The whole coven was against him, and I do legitimately believe Armand was oblivious due to love. Then when push came to shove he did make his choice, he did rehearse and go along with the play despite his feelings and his wants. Not out of character for someone who's used to being needless or same that he flood with emotion the moment someone [louis] actually cares about his needs. Or maybe more believable is that this plot - some version of it - started way before his feelings were ever real and this was a choice of following through with it. Under threat likely, him still not realizing the extent of the coven's desire for bloodlust. Him, maybe being misled to believe they'd hold off long enough to let it go if Louis was proven to simply stay with him. Maybe if it was his idea to begin with, and in this scenario he'd at least have been there when this was being thrown around, perhaps he really thought his power and ruling would dissuade its reality. And then the ball drops.

He didn't want to kill Louis, is my point. If he did he'd have done it way sooner, and he wouldn't have let him exact any kind of revenge. Though Claudia, Madeleine, I could see, but I also don't think by the time they're running off together he would want the alternative either. If anyone wanted this it was the coven. So, it's not a matter of wanting to Armand but choosing to do this despite that. The real question therefore is: Why would he choose to go forward with it/go along with it? That's what I think we need to be asking.

Is it that he makes the choice that he does, because it's easier to submit than rise up? It is because the choice really wasn't a choice at all? Was it practical to him? Don’t run to one thing when this other thing is guaranteed to stick around? Was he in too deep to back out by the time he thought it mattered whether they live or die? Much can be delved into there. Trying to figure out why he wanted it isn't going to bring up anything.