#i don't really have a point just a whole lot of feelings

[transhitman]

Ok I posted about this in anger a while back but I'm gonna say it more intelligently and actually tag it because I think it's something people need to hear. Something that bugs me about how people talk about the morality of the men in this game is that a lot of analysis totally glosses over Anya's motives and what she actually asks of people, and in doing so once again strips her of agency. Like. The reason Curly sucks isn't because he failed to properly punish Jimmy, it's because he ignored Anya in favor of her abuser. He didn't listen to her regarding how to move forward, he didn't give her a way to protect herself. No matter what he would have done to Jimmy, Anya is still traumatized and in danger, and that's the most important point of failure.

I think a lot of people are projecting a revenge fantasy on Anya, and while I'm not gonna argue about the validity of revenge here, for Anya specifically I think that's a major mischaracterization. She's the one who says that our worst moments don't make us monsters. And while yes, this could just be her trying to appease her abusers, she still doesn't strike me as a particularly vindictive person. She's a nurse, symbolically in a role associated with care and healing. Before the crash, she seems like a very soft-spoken and restrained person. Hell, she can't stand giving Curly his meds because she feels so bad for him. There isn't really a point in the game where she calls for violence at all. And even if punishing Jimmy or Curly is morally correct (subjective), saying that it's what anyone Should have done still glosses over Anya's wants and needs. It still centers the abuser, even in vitriol.

It's especially weird to see people judge Swansea on these grounds, because like... We don't know what his dynamic with Anya was like. We don't actually know what she said to him, if she even confided about her pregnancy or the SA at all! I honestly think Swansea's actions give more credence to the idea that Anya herself wanted a peaceful resolution. The whole "Oh, I'm holding it together" thing, him becoming more hostile after speaking with Anya... He waits until Daisuke AND ANYA are dead before trying to kill Jimmy. I think the obvious reading is that he wants Jimmy dead, but Anya asked him not to do anything crazy. Genuinely, I think Anya just wanted to be safe. She wanted out above everything. She didn't want more violence. The only violence she commits is against herself in the end, in order to escape this hell her coworkers made for her.

And like. Swansea is kind of the only one who actually did try to protect Anya in a meaningful way. I won't say that he couldn't have done more for her - all of the men on that ship failed her in some regard - but Swansea intentionally keeps the axe out of Jimmy's hands. He keeps the pod a secret, probably to give to Daisuke, but we can't say anything for sure. I joke that Swansea should have killed Jimmy from the start, but if we're being real that would have been an insane thing to do given what the characters know. But Swansea isn't the point of this post. Like. Idk I just think it's really bizarre that when people discuss Anya's assault, they still do it from the perspective of the men involved. It's weird and I don't like it. Like people have said before me: it's not enough to hate abusers, you have to love victims.

[dunmeshistash]

Dungeon Meshi actually changed my whole relationship with food. I had already seen food as various types of nutrition (rather than “good” and “bad” food) but this story helped me realize that even stuff I dislike can be made to taste good. I used to hate onions and mushrooms, but all the good stuff about them turns into a delicious sauce when you use them in stir fry! Veggies cooked in grease aren’t robbed of their nutrition! I eat what my body craves and I’ve truly never felt better! I’ve even lost a lot of weight because of it! Many have pondered what sets humans apart from any other creature in the world and I think it’s a good meal.

One of the things that helped us evolve to where we are is indeed cooking!

Might come as a surprise that even tho I'm a Dungeon Meshi fan my nutrition wasn't really fixed by reading it (no good advice Senshis in this head of mine) I've been a picky eater for a while now cause I have texture issues but recently I started cooking more for myself, and honestly? Game changer

There's no point trying to force yourself to enjoy certain foods cause if you don't like it you wont eat it. I hate carrots cause the texture is mushy and the taste is weird and the smell is bad. Know what's not smelly mushy or weird? Carrots on fried rice

There's many ways to cook food, try out things similar to what you know you enjoy if you're someone picky like me. The important thing is to eat a variety of proper food and make it in a way you'll actually eat (Just like Senshi did for Izutsumi instead of forcing her to eat the way he wanted). A vegetable eaten with sauce is more nutritional than a vegetable you don't eat!

I'm no nutritionist but yeah, you'd be surprised at the variety of things you're actually willing to eat when cooked the right way. And congrats on feeling better!

Just adding my usual disclaimer that weight loss/gain isn't an indicator of health in itself, prioritizing eating well and acquiring healthy habits rather than focusing on a certain physical result is key in my experience. Let's all strive to feel good and care for our bodies!

[starlost-mochi-x]

hwang hyunjin - skz fluff headcanons

pairing: hwang hyunjin x reader

summary: hyunjin headcanons

genre: fluff, idol! au, comfort, general fluff headcanons, get you a man like hyune

a/n: divider from @aewinse (or not) rightful owner of this cute divider, please don't be mad at me i'm just a lil thing

masterlist

so

we all know how perceptive hyunjin is

super emotionally aware

not that the other members of skz aren't, it's just that hyunjin seems to sense your emotions the best

i stand by the opinion that he's actually the most sensitive member of skz

anyway

he can always tell when something is off

and he isn't usually upfront about it

like when you come home upset about something, or something bad happens, hyunjin doesn't shove himself in your face

instead, he just quietly stays by your side and offers you little things like hugs or tissues

and unless you ask him for space he's staying right by your side

sometimes he closes his eyes really tight and tries to take the pain away for you

crying

he also brings kkami with him and sits him down next to you because he knows stroking the soft, warm fur helps keep you grounded

just know that whenever you're upset, hyunjin will be right there with gentle words of reassurance and lots of affection to give if you want it

also always has pocket tissues and a bottle of water in every room of the house so if you do end up upset, he doesn't have to leave you

speaking of leaving

hyunjin is always dragging you out of the house on little dates

we all know this man is a hopeless romantic so of course you expected this when you started dating him

usually it's art gallery dates

sometimes it can also be things like visiting pop-up stores

or just random restaurants that look interesting

once hyunjin dragged you to a slightly suspicious pop up food stall

needless to say, you both ended up at the jeongchan dorm for two weeks because of food poisoning

on the bright side you did get to be around him nonstop for a whole fortnight

neither of you complained

jeongin did tho

"chan-hyung, y/n just threw up on my hoodie!"

lmao

hyunjin is also the type of guy to invite you over to his very often

changbin is usually at the gym so you both get quiet time to yourselves

you both have a watch list

most of the time it's cuddling and watching the dramas and movies

snuggling in bed with lots of snacks and warmth

at this point you and hyune both have designated blankets to use when movie nights happen

they usually end up on the floor tho bc you both just tangle yourselves in each other's arms

oh well

forget about the blankets

if it's warm, it works

hyunjin also likes to keep physical contact with you

if you're working, he'll sit beside you and quietly draw in his sketchbook

or on your forearms

as long as it doesn't disturb you, but you don't really mind bc his drawings and doodles are cute

if you wear jewelry, he'll be fiddling with it

or your hair

and he loves your hair so much !!

always messing around with it, suggesting different looks and styles

as someone who dyes their hair a lot, hyunjin knows a surprising amount about the whole process

you could suggest a colour and he'd tell you the whole process

gesturing and making cute faces and holding up strands of his own hair to demonstrate

as much as you love him, you don't really want him to cut or style or colour it for you

sorry hyunjin

he likes it when you try and style his hair tho

whenever you're out, you look for little cute hair accessories and ties you think he might like

then when he gets home

he sits between your legs while holding a mirror, and you clip hairpins and tie elastics into every section of his locks

he loves it

the feeling of your hands against his scalp is so relaxing to him

multiple times he's fallen asleep like that

with his hair full of ridiculous accessories

this makes for a lot of cute photos

hyunjin is pretty much the fashionista in the relationship so he's always down for things like new makeup looks or nail designs

if you're a makeup artist, stylist, or nail tech, even better

if you're not, that's okay too !!

he loves watching your little focused face as you draw clumsy designs on his nails, style jewelry against his skin, and draw on him

he thinks it's like you making your mark on him

so wherever he goes, he always has a little piece of you by his side, whether it's a cute ring you bought for him, a silly drawing on his forearm, or a slightly mismatched outfit

the rest of the members tease him relentlessly but he doesn't care 70

he just likes the feeling of you being comfortable enough around him to share your ideas through styling

he'll also do the same for you, wanting to pick your outfits, especially for the bigger events where you're also invited, like award shows

or versace runway events where you're his plus one

you have a closet at your place which is full of stunning, custom made items hyunjin got for you, designed by donatella versace herself

but even though they're expensive, hyunjin expects nothing in return, only wanting you to look and feel beautiful and stunning

he'll also show his love by buying the both of you matching items

it's a little tradition between the both of you

you both now have matching phone cases, rings, necklaces, bracelets, hairpins, and a variety of other items

to outsiders, you and hyunjin and hopelessly in love

and they're right

usually you guys go out with matching outfits too

because it's whimsical and romantic and you both believe that it showcases your love to outsiders, and bonus, if either of you gets lost, you know exactly what colour shirt to look for in the crowd

needless to say, you're always the matching couple on the block <3

a/n: hyune for the win !

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

I’m always curious about Kankri being redeemed in any way (maybe because he can become the sufferer). Obviously to do so would be simply punting him to reality and force him to live it, no help from his shoddily-made support structure. But I’m curious how you would go about doing it

Given their role thematically in the story, I'm actually usually not on the train of "fully redeem the dancestors", but I do like giving them some catharsis and reckoning, a place in the fight against LE. One last chance to do something good with their lives/afterlives before the end, and a(n implied) new start as wigglers born into the new universe.

So to that end, in my head, the "turnaround point" for Kankri - the inciting incident that makes him have a mental breakdown that results in him finally taking some accountability for his shitty actions - is having a conversation with Eridan.

In my head, the Dancestor reckoning happens gradually, alongside a series of retcons where the dead trolls are brought back one or two at a time, and deal with their emotional issues a little more with every cast member added back into the party.

The TL;DR series of events is: Terezi asks to bring back Vriska, Vriska asks John to punch out Tavros before she can kill him, Tavros's influence makes Gamzee ask for Equius and Nepeta to be brought back, Equius asks for a redux of Aradiabot, Aradiabot grabs John by the arm and gets him to undo her death and Sollux's fall into depression, Sollux asks for Feferi to be brought back, and then Karkat asks for Eridan.

We know from (Vriska) that the Game Over/Alpha Timeline characters still exist post-Retcon, so those characters would also be continuing their character arcs, just in the afterlife prepping for the LE fight. For example, I think Meenah's reckoning should be delivered by (Karkat) - after having had so long to reflect on his own failures as a leader, he would be perfectly poised to scream at her for hers, which would also serve to make this confrontation a final thesis for Karkat as a whole - what leadership means (caring about your team) - and a conclusion to the Meenah/Karkat dynamic.

So when I say that Kankri needs to talk to Eridan, I mean Eridan and not (Eridan). Full character development, all his teammates are alive, taken full accountability and responsibility for his actions, team good guy Eridan. And as I noted in this essay, Eridan with full character development is actually more annoying than regular Eridan, because he's also the "Devastating: Worst Guy You Know Made An Excellent Point" guy. In bulleted form:

He's still an advocate for murder. Murder is literally what kept his friends alive long enough to play the game, and playing the game itself involves genocide, so he would be the Token Evil Teammate who reminds the team that, hey, murder is an option - and enemies will be considering it. Even at his very best, he's going to struggle with empathy and have an extremely blase view of violence and murder - those were literally just facts of his life through his most formative years.

This also makes him a TOTAL downer, as he's the tempering voice that reminds them that decisions have consequences, and utopia requires sacrifices, and nothing is ever worth fighting for that won't eventually need to be fought for. Like I said, worst guy you know, excellent points. In fact, he's out here volunteering to do the murdering when the situation calls, if nobody else wants to get their fins dirty. He's really good at it.

He's still an idiot who doesn't listen to people. He's perfectly fine at taking orders, but having a conversation with him is still really difficult. I feel like if you make Eridan too smart, mentally flexible, and socially aware, you lose a lot of his Eridan-ness, and I think these characters, fully realized, are more of themselves, not less. I also don't know how you could reasonably expect to fix these traits. He's just Like That.

He drops his fake pro-Empire stuff, because that was basically all just empty posturing in the first place, but...

Now he's a pretentious-ass hipster who judges you for liking Trollor Swift and Troll Marvel. Given that Jake's indiscriminate taste is actually linked to his deficit of Hope (he has little conviction, he's wishy-washy), Eridan coming into full Prince of Hope regalia involves getting even more annoying about his taste in media (shittons of conviction, refusal to budge).

He is also a wizard. He will not shut up about this.

And finally, I think he'd still be out here using slurs. First of all, because it'd be really funny, because he's literally not casteist, but second, because there's two types of "it's equality" - the kind where nobody ever says anything offensive, and the kind where "offensive" stops being a relevant concept because true equality has been achieved. Think of the discourse surrounding the reclamation of slurs IRL, or how the "it's equality" meme gets used - this idea that words can be stripped of power by changing the context of who's saying them, or that objectification/discrimination stop being problems if they're applied evenly across the board, instead of limited to specific groups. I think that this is the exact type of nuanced idea that Homestuck would tackle and its fandom would get incensed about, which is why I think it should stay.

Eridan's role, thus, becomes a sort of "unpleasant truths" kind of character. Violence, both physical and verbal, is unpleasant as hell, and the natural instinct is to avoid it. The problem is, in any true discussion of what society should look like, they're topics that can't be avoided, and are even sometimes necessary not just to recognize, but to utilize (no revolution is bloodless, etc.). Eridan - an extreme personality - is going to represent the uncomfortable extreme of the debate. And by that I mean he's going to be saying slurs and talking about murders and is still going to be unquestionably a force for good.

The reason I'm going so in-depth into this is because Kankri very much represents the opposite: using "polite" language and couching it in the language of courtesy, activism, and liberal ideology, Kankri hides - and worse, spreads - his classist, ableist, misogynistic, puritan beliefs. He enforces the class divide and actively works against his teammates' best interests.

He whines that the lower blood castes should stop complaining about oppression, because others have it worse. He tells the team feminist that misogyny isn't real, then slut shames her. He tells the guy with brain damage that he's making other neurodivergent/TBI people look bad, exacerbates Latula's shame around her inability to smell, and actively guilt trips Cronus into ignoring his epiphany and self-reflection. Kankri is only an activist in that he actively makes everybody worse.

But why does he act like this? Well, it's due to the fact that he was probably culled, and on-sight at that, like Karkat would've been if anyone found out about his mutant blood. Kankri doesn't seem to have a symbol or lusus, either, two thinks Karkat only had because the Signless's followers prepped them for him, so the chances are very high that Kankri was culled since he was hatched. Given the way he discusses culling with Latula, and viciously despises being mothered by Porrim, it's clear he has some really complicated feelings regarding having his agency dismissed. Thus, his work to hamper his team - at least some of which is wilful on his part, as he'll outright cast aspersions on Horuss or Cronus's beliefs for being "imaginary" even as he encourages them to commit to them - is motivated by something quite simple: power, attention, entitlement, and control.

When he goes on his grand lectures, he frequently slips and reveals that he sees himself as a great, unquestionable spiritual leader, often trying to place other characters in subordinate positions to himself - Karkat is his "pupil," and his monologues, I mean, sermons, I mean, diatribes, are spoken as if from a position of authority. He outright tells Meenah that this is what he believes himself to be.

It's a very Seer sort of problem - both that of hubris and that of willful blindness. If you chart out the actual "end goal" of his beliefs, it appears to be a world in which Kankri himself is both the biggest victim and most important voice in the room. He regularly disparages those with actual disadvantages (Damara, Porrim, Mituna) while playing up the false problems of those who don't actually have them (Horuss, Cronus). Those with disadvantages should have their voices amplified - except lowbloods should stop whining and misogyny isn't real. And those with real power should check their privilege - but won't somebody think of the poor highbloods who have ~emotional problems~? Kankri will, and all the highbloods need to do is bend the knee and treat Kankri as their specialest boy.

In short, he's using his intellect, rhetoric, and forceful personality for selfish, emotionally-driven pursuits. The actual substance of his arguments is ephemeral and contradictory because that's the trick - the point is NOT to further equality, but to verbally browbeat his conversation partner into submission. In other words, you can't beat Kankri in a regular debate, because the moment you start trying to actually engage in a debate with him, he wins. The moment you start lunging at his arguments, he's got you in his red-texted labyrinth. The moment you start treating his points like they merit genuine discussion, you're in the pews of Kankri's church, and he's up at the pulpit.

And Eridan is the destroyer of faith. He's also an idiot who doesn't listen to people.

I don't really know exactly how it would play out, but I know in my heart. In the pit of my soul. That Eridan would call Kankri several slurs, (correctly) point out that Kankri's celibacy is stupid because it's clear he has feelings for Cronus and Latula, (correctly) point out that his pro-equality stuff is stupid because he calls violets "Royal-V"s, (incorrectly) accuse Kankri of hitting on him, (correctly) point out that the entire point of a slur is that it hurts and insults the person it's used on, (correctly) call Kankri several more slurs, (correctly) point out that Kankri just wants attention, especially from highbloods, (???) go on an unhinged rant (maybe more) about being a wizard, being a murderer, and being a murderer wizard, (???) insult Kankri's taste in music, and finish it up by (correctly) revealing that Eridan and Karkat are moirails who make out sometimes.

I think Kankri would start crying.

[buckera]

Do you also have the feeling a lot of great people stopped posting and especially writing? Or have they all blocked me? The tags are full but mostly with newer fans who don't seem to have actually watched the show (no offense, although..) and the writers circle seems tiny

well, dear anon, i will be very real with you, it mostly comes down to season 7 and specifically Tommy's reintroduction, the whole bucktommy of it all, or even more specifically the infighting it started.

911 was never really the 911 fandom; it was the buddie fandom with a few blurps of other (canon) ships sprinkled in there, only to get lost due to lack of interest/bad behaviour. (believe me, people were really shitty before all this too)

but now we have two main ships.

which would be okay if people could understand the difference between reality and fiction and could just pay attention to the stuff they like and not get violent and for whatever reason bigoted towards real fans over disliking a character or ship.

i talked endlessly about how all the criticism of Tommy's character basically comes down to "i don't vibe with it, so no one else should either" so i won't go into that, but unfortunately what you saw and still see on the dash is only half of the story.

lots of people ended up unfollowing and blocking people they used to talk to on the daily over this fictional ship, which... you know, if that's all it took i wouldn't necessarily call those "friendships", but it definitely changed how people interact with fan creations.

doing wip games was always about two things; to exchange exposure and to motivate each other and ourselves to write.

those pre-existing tag-chains are mostly broken now and i know that a lot of writers don't want to expose themselves to "the other side" by sharing wips and get demotivated by people being rude, so they keep writing without sharing snippets.

and some people lost the motivation/inspiration to write for the fandom altogether.

it sucks and yeah, people who didn't watch the show aside from scenes of their faves should not be monopolising the tags — as far as i'm concerned they aren't part of the fandom at all. (if you can't even be bothered to watch the source material, why are you even here, genuinely.)

anyway, this got long, but the point is that you're right in your observation and it doesn't just go for writing.

interaction on edits and gifsets and the like have drastically fallen, because so many people have blocked each other, every post has to go through a bazillion blind spots to get to at least 3 more people's dash; because one person will reblog it and then they will be blocked by 5 others who would love to see your content but the people they still follow don't follow anyone that'd reblog your stuff and so on.

TLDR: this fandom is fucked and it's sad, but it is what it is i guess.

[tsandoll]

boynextdoor in subspace.

this is a post all about how each of the bnd members are when they reach subspace! i was kinda just yapping in this and looked online to see people's experiences with subspace and also just applied my own ideas to this. hope everyone enjoys!

warnings: 18+, sub bnd, subspace

park sungho.

sungho doesn't just submit to you sexually, he also partially submits to you in regular circumstances. he needs to feel very safe and like he can truly rely on you in order to allow this sort of vulnerability with you. honestly, the first time sungho reaches sub space it scares him quite a bit, but it's bound to happen. he reaches sub space randomly, in scenarios that are completely unexpected. it's hard to tell when it will happen because he's unsure also, everything is so new for him since he's used to being more dominant. i do think that sometimes he'll reach subspace if something already happened prior to the session. if he's had a rough day and he really doesn't want to think and he comes to you to make him feel good he may just shut his brain off and slip into subspace.

since he's so used to being dominant and putting himself second, being submissive is not usually in his mind. when he gets the opportunity to be submissive, he wants to give his all to it, he wants to try it fully, but he may get in his own way at times. he tends to fight it at times, when he feels himself getting floaty and dizzy, he’ll have you stop for a moment, telling you that he feels funny. it would be easy to begin to notice him slipping into a light subspace when he has you stop so he can shut his eyes and refocus himself. truthfully, he’s afraid to lose all control like that so he puts up a fight, trying not to give in.

when sungho reaches subspace i feel like he gets a lot quieter overall. he speaks to you in a hushed voice and sometimes he may not speak at all, instead just grabbing at you for support. he feels so euphoric that he can't form the correct words to express anything, so he doesn't really speak much at all. sometimes his subspaces don't only come on during sex and sometimes will be so unexpected that he may get floaty while cuddling up to you after work. i feel like he will often hold onto you in some way, needing to physically know that you’re by his side the whole way through. he keeps his eyes shut a lot during this, allowing himself to fully relax in this feeling. his subspace is scary for him in the first few moments, his feeling of arousal being so intense that he feels like he’s losing it, but it would fade into a sense of calmness very quickly afterward.

sungho can often sleep his subspace off during the night. he’ll enjoy his aftercare in your arms, feeling so much love for you before dozing off to sleep. he’ll wake up with that sense of dizziness still lingering but will almost immediately be almost back to his normal self. when he gets out of his subspaces, he’s always so grateful to you and i feel like he’s just so appreciative of everything that you do for him and for taking care of him a lot.

lee sanghyeok.

riwoo is a submissive person in general if i’ve ever seen one, he’s docile in nature, gentle and sweet at his core. he loves hard and wants to love to the point where he has no regrets. he’s openly willing to be super vulnerable and trusting with you. he can naturally take on submissive roles in every way and he feels very comfortable doing so. i think he slips into subspace quickly and easily; it really doesn’t take much for him to get there and to get there fully. it's rare or him to slip into subspace and it be light and surface level because he usually immediately goes in deep.

he’s devoted to you, outwardly willing to allow you to do whatever you desire to him. he wants to make you happy, and he wants to surrender himself to you as well. riwoo craves intimacy, loving to be close with you and wanting to feel deeply loved. he loves the kind of intimacy where you kiss his belly, kiss all over his face, and hold his hand during sex. he goes into sex fully vulnerable, straight off the bat he is giving himself to you.

riwoo slips so deeply into subspace that he usually goes fully nonverbal, getting floaty quite quickly. his subspace progression is fast, like a switch was flipped. having things set in place to help riwoo communicate during subspace is very helpful to the situation. asking him questions where he can just nod his head and questions that don’t require him to think very hard are so good for him. simplicity is key with him because he’s a simple guy in general. emotional support is also so important for him, praising him and doting on him and being ready to take care of him is so helpful. sometimes you need to ask him how he’s doing or if he needs anything multiple times to actually get an answer from him because he slightly zones out.

he goes into subspace very quickly and i feel like he also comes out of it just as quickly. usually for the rest of the night he isn’t talkative and may doze off quickly, feeling so cozy and safe. once he wakes up in the morning, he’s usually mostly out of it if not fully out of it. he’s pretty easy to deal with when he’s in subspace. he just gets very floaty to where it's like he doesn’t know a single thing, so you have to kinda be the brain for him. he trusts you to do that as well which is why he’s able to become as floaty as he does.

myung jaehyun.

jaehyun is a deeply intimate person, the type to love very hard. during sex he always craves intimate and romantic situations, holding your hand, gripping at your clothes, kissing you while his cock is buried past your walls, things like that. being submissive comes rather naturally to jaehyun so i would say he reaches sub space somewhat quickly. he reaches sub space during more soft and romantic scenarios where he feels like you and him are the only people on the planet. he also can reach subspace in scenarios where you push him to his limits, to the point where he's crying and begging for you.

sex is a vulnerable experience for him, requiring trust and deep companionship from his partner. jaehyun’s emotions also greatly contribute to the overall experience. he's sexually emotional, his heart feeling super full and bursting with love. just being near you and having you there take care of him heightens his feelings of euphoria. he fully gives himself to you, putting his all into you and each sexual exchange. he trusts you very deeply and relies on you heavily. he's given you his heart and allows you to control his pleasure and that's a big deal for him.

while in subspace he tends to babble a lot, his vocal tone being airy and soft. sometimes his behaviors in subspace are a bit hard to recognize because it's not drastically different to how he is with you normally. it's very important to pay close attention to him and check on him often. jaehyun may sometimes ask for things he wouldn't normally want, making requests that are out of the ordinary. he tends to word vomit quite a bit, he'll start talking and it takes a bit for him to stop, even if he's lost his original point long before. since he babbles a lot i feel like having very simple straightforward questions with him will be beneficial. being able to just ask, “what's your color?” to check on him will in a way refocus him while also letting you know how he's feeling. even with something like this though, it's important to pay attention to every part of his body because he may not fully understand how he feels because his feelings of euphoria are so intense.

usually once in subspace jaehyun takes a bit of time to fully get out of this headspace, slowly easing out of it as the time passes. he may be in it for the full day afterwards, the intensity of it slowly wearing off. during this time, he's often very clingy, relying on you more heavily during casual activities. he may need you to do a lot of things for him and to take care of him, but he is so so cute like this. he holds onto you tighter than normal and cuddles into you like he's afraid to lose you.

han taesan.

taesan craves attention and love but is also a guarded person overall. he’s not someone who’s easily very vulnerable, similar to sungho it will take him time to feel safe to be vulnerable. you’d have to slightly convince him and show him that it's okay to trust you and be vulnerable with you. once you convince him to give in, he craves you like never before. i think he’d find himself in subspace more often than expected but he would love the feeling of it.

although taesan may think he's able to fight it and he may think that he's keeping himself afloat he's really not. he's a romantic and he gets into sexual scenes deeply, completely zoning in and spending his time fully present in the moment. i see him entering a light subspace very often, whether wants to or not. he doesn't fall into a deep subspace very often though, that he is able to hold off on. he's needy and requires your attention as a sub, creating that space between the two of you where it's only you and him. when he feels his mind getting all foggy, he embraces the feeling, loving when he can fully zone in on you.

when taesan slips into his light subspaces he feels like he's losing his grip on reality. he feels dizzy, like he'll have a hard time holding himself up if he tried to sit up without help. he'll beg for you a lot, always feeling like he needs more attention from you. he's the most pliant like this, willing to take anything you give him, as long as you take care of him well. when he's in deeper subspace, while it's rare it does still happen. he slips deeply into his subspace, feeling like he's surrendered his life to you. his body grows weak, and all his movements become sluggish. he focuses fully on you, everything around him feels like it stops. if there are any sounds in the room, they'll no longer ring in his ears. he isn't the nonverbal type and also not the type to babble, he's somewhere in the middle. he'll beg and whine for you, sometimes for no reason. 

i get the feeling that taesan can usually pull himself out of his subspace pretty easily for the most part. the only time he really stays in it for a while is when he's gone into a deeper subspace, then he'll need lots of support to help coax him out of it. he needs help physically to do a lot of things and will basically live in your skin for a little while. 

kim donghyun.

leehan loves to give, he loves to take care of you and to be in a position of control. while this is true, i do also think that he is one to do anything for his partner. if it makes you happy then he is very willing to do what you like. on the standpoint of vulnerability though i do think he’d have some issues fully giving in the way that you may expect him to, needing to be guided a bit. he has a tendency to try to be dominant in every situation, so you have to turn him into the perfect sub for you. it's not necessarily easy to get him to slip into subspace, not because he’s guarded or anything, more just because he’s not particularly sensitive within his vulnerability.

he often keeps a sense of dominance with him through everything he does. it isn't impossible to get him to be very submissive, it's just that his mind doesn't ever lose that other side of him. he doesn't fully slip in like some of the other members might because his mind just doesn’t go there. his subspaces tend to be very light, but he goes into them easily because he loves letting you do what you want and letting you be happy taking care of him.

in his subspace leehan is just the cutest thing ever, his eyes telling a million stories. i feel like he talks during his subspace but sometimes it seems like he’s just talking to talk because he sounds so dopey and silly at times. his eyes are super expressive, going all wide and being full of love and adoration for you. he stares at you so much, the gaze in his eyes is almost like he’s never seen you before. he loves your praise and compliments a lot when he feels all floaty, every word that leaves your mouth hits him more intensely like this. he continuously smiles like a fool in love as well, he’s just so pretty and cute like a puppy.

i think the aftercare is pretty mutual with leehan. he loves to crack little jokes and spend this intimate time with you while you help him get all cleaned up. i feel like when he’s in this foggy mind space he’s so silly, laughing at everything and being super smiley. his subspace kinda goes away within a few hours but he loves to spend the whole night cuddling and being super close.

[moderninfatuation]

Hi! I was wondering if I could request a male reader x leon s kennedy oneshot! Where male reader is super dumb (literally a himbo) and doesn't realize that his best friend of YEARS is deeply in love with him, but on reader's birthday, leon confesses to him and reader is in super super shock and doesn't know what to say, so he just acts impulsively and kisses leon. It can be nsfw or not! I don't really care, I hope you can do it, you are totally w your right to delete or ignore my request if you don't feel comfortable >_<

note: Hi! thank you for being my first request; I am super comfortable :) I am honestly a little nervous, but thats part of the reason why i wanna post my writing. I need to get used to it one way or the other. anyway, enough about me lol-

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Birthday Wishes

character: Leon S. Kennedy

tags: sfw, m!reader, himbo reader, oblivious reader, love confession, readers birthday

word count: 1465

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The candles decorating your cake are no longer lit, ribbons of smoke floating past your nose on the way to the ceiling, bumping against the helium balloons resting there. The isolated noise of clapping and a happy cheer comes from behind you for a moment before the light switch is inevitably flicked, flooding your eyes with light that makes you squeeze them shut for a little longer than a blink.

This whole situation is completely unexpected to you, for some reason. Leon has teamed up with your parents to throw a surprise birthday party the second you come home from your work, and up until the door to your apartment opened, you didn’t notice a thing.

You did not figure out why there was an oddly fragile looking box in the trunk of Leon’s car that he didn’t want you to throw your bag into, nor did you see a point in letting him drive you home; you only gave in because he insisted. You also didn’t know why your parents were trying to call Leon pretty much all the time on your way home. He just shrugged it off as “Huh, looks like I forgot my jacket at their place.”, and he was lucky enough that it only earned him a laugh instead of further questions as to why he was at your parent’s place to begin with. Now you know better: The mystery box held your birthday cake, fresh from the bakery, and your parents were calling Leon nonstop to announce that they’re stuck in traffic on the way to your apartment, which explains why Leon is the only other person next to your table right now, a little party hat strapped to the top of his head in glittery shades of blue and silver.

It is your birthday and pretty much half of the town knows, but you also made sure to move the actual party to the weekend. Anything to make sure your friends actually have time; you don’t want to hear any of those “I have a shift that day” excuses. It is a shame that your parents won't be able to make it today, but you also don’t want them to be there when your friends are there on the weekend. You had plans with them that go further than spin the bottle and birthday cake, and you’d hate to have your parents watch you get shitfaced on a Sunday evening despite having to work the next day.

Another thing that seemingly flew past you is how Leon seems a little off today. Now that the light is finally on, it is clear as day: He wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans, and once he finally leans in to hug you along with saying his best birthday wishes right next to your ear, you can hear the beating of his heart over his voice. It hammers against his chest as if it wants to jump out and run. You chalk it up to anxiety about you noticing that he’s preparing a surprise; it does take a lot to set things like this up, which means that it is only natural for him to be nervous about you finding out beforehand, right? But why is he still nervous, then?

“So…” Leon begins once his back is straight again, with his palm still lingering on your shoulder. “Wanna tell me what you wished for?”

There is a sort of hopeful glint in his eyes that he desperately tries to keep hidden behind his usually confident smile. Yes, you finally figured out why he’s been so anxious today… a secret present.

Well, you’re right this time… sort of.

You grin up at him. “I can’t tell you,” you say in a lilting tone, leaning back a bit further in your chair to see his reaction. Oh yeah, you’ve totally got him now. “... but, I think you can help it come true by telling me what your secret is.” you say as you cross your legs with a confidence that is usually only reserved for higher ups.

There is a twitch in Leon’s lower eyelids as his expression slightly falls. “Hold on, are you serious?” he suddenly says. “I was- we’re on the same page here, right? I don’t want to overcomplicate things-” The words fall from his mouth as if he’d been holding onto them for too long, but you had him figured out from the very start, didn’t you? No wonder he’s been so fidgety all evening, you can practically smell the decorated and wrapped gift box he’s hiding under his jacket.

He laughs nervously, crossing his arms in front of his chest in a faux display of ease. “Well, it’s been a while since I had something serious, much less with another guy, and I feel like you’ve been throwing hints at me for a while now, but I just didn’t know when to bring it up, you know?” He goes on, his eyes focused on you, as if you’ll dissolve if he looks anywhere else but you. You’re starting to catch the feeling that this is more than just a present, and it leaves you just a bit stunned, too dumbfounded to speak as Leon explains himself, keeping up the cool exterior aside from a few drops of sweat right above his brow. 

“... But I also don’t want to ruin your birthday, I don’t want you to feel like your birthday was shitty this year. If you’re not interested in me, that’s fine, we can forget about all this,” He continues to ramble as you stare up at him. Oh. Your lips part in a silent gasp as the realization hits you in the face. “It's just that you're my best friend, and lately you’ve been on my mind a lot, and I catch myself thinking about what it would be like if we were to get closer…” He explains himself gently, lowering himself down to his knees to reverse your positions, to get closer, much like he just said.

Feelings begin to overwhelm you as he rambles on, making up excuses and finding a way to express that he’d be able to shrug it off if you told him that you don’t feel the same, a lie obvious to anyone but you. You don’t know about the countless nights he thought about this, wide awake as he sorts the words in his head to have them ready whenever he deems himself ready to confess. How to make it look effortless, how to cope with what would happen if you told him off. He was honestly prepared for everything.

You do feel the same, though. You have felt the same since the both of you started spending more time together, charmed by his wit and empathy, despite his struggles to express the latter. In this very moment, you feel as if something is squeezing your heart. The thought of losing him chokes your soul, and before he can make the offer to “Take you out on a date first”, to “test the waters, see if you want the same”, you squeeze your eyes shut in preparation, grab him by the collar of his jacket and pull him up high enough to press your lips against his, effectively shutting him up before his thoughts spiral further.

His eyes widen in shock, needing a second to process the sudden action before his eyelashes flutter shut, his hands reaching out to hold onto your lower arms, as if he would fall into the ground otherwise. You spend a few seconds like this, his body almost boneless as he relaxes into the kiss before you make the first move to pull back, breathless and surprised by your own initiative as Leon seemingly needs a second to come back to reality. You’re usually not the brash type, but you physically felt like you had no other choice.

“I thought-” you begin, breaking yourself off as your thoughts need to catch up to your mouth due to the lack of oxygen. “I didn’t know, Leon!” is the only thing you manage to say, eyes fixated on the other man’s lips because you can barely help the urge to do that again.

Leon smiles in reply once his brain begins to function again. “Well,” he starts before needing to clear his throat to continue. “You also didn’t know there was a whole-ass surprise party planned…” His hands idly stroke up and down your forearms where he has been holding onto you, unsure if it is to soothe you or himself. Before he can throw any more snark at you, you scoff and kiss him again, this time keeping your eyes open to watch his reaction. He responds by shutting his own in enjoyment, slow and relaxed, as if a heavy weight got lifted off of his shoulders.

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[thebestsetter]

Thinking about Isagi Yoichi going absolutely insane when someone talks shit about you, his one and only girlfriend.

And I'm not saying insane as in "Don't talk about her like that!". I'm saying insane as in "Say her name again with that filthy mouth of yours and I swear I'll cut your fucking tongue off."

He can handle people badmouthing him. It's that deep, really. He's a football player, so, like every other athlete, he has fans and haters all around the globe (more fans than haters, but anyways). So, he developed the hability to just tune off all the hateful comments. Badmouth him all you want, that ain't changing the fact that he's a sucessful all star player and you're not.

What he can't handle, though, is when someone tries to talk shit about his relationship with you, his favorite person in the whole world.

Sadly for the media, you're not a famous singer or model. Yoichi and you when you were both still little kids, dreaming about monster, princesses and the world cup trophy. In kindergarten, he thought you were a very great friend. He realized you were the prettiest girl he had ever seen when you were middle schoolers, and, by the time high school came, he had already learned to accept the fact that he was head over heels for you. And so, like a "straight out of a movie" kind of scene, he confessed his love for you all sweaty and smiling in front of the whole world after his winning goal at the Blue Lock XI against Japan U20 match two years ago.

So yeah, you and Isagi had a cute love story. Every video of you together had millions of views and thousands of "couple goals" comments, and people loved you (honestly, how could they not? You're amazing, he's not even sure how he managed to make you fall for his "football rizz" or something, but he's glad you did anyways).

Apparently, not everyone appreciated you as much as he thought.

"Isagi, one minute of your time, please!"

"Isagi, for french press right here!"

"Yoichi, answer my question!"

"Wow. One at a time, guys!" Isagi smiled nervously yet kindly, sitting in a chair in front of the mass of reporters from all across the world who came just to interview him.

Smiling again, Isagi pointed at one of the what seemed like thousands interviewers.

"The lady over there, with the Sae Itoshi shirt"

"Thank you for the opportunity" The room became silent. The woman, seemingly in her late twenties, smiled "I'm Sol, from Spain's national TV press. I'd like to ask a question you about your relationship with (Name) (Surname)"

Smiling wide like a lovesick fool like he always did when someone mentioned you or your relationship, Yoichi urged the reporter to continue.

"Sure. Go ahead."

"It's a known fact that you and (Name) (Surname) have been in a relationship for a little over two years. And so, your fans are wondering: do you plan on getting married shortly?"

The silence in the room was papable. All the cameras and microphones turned to a now strawberry red Yoichi. But he wasn't embarassed because of all the attention he was getting or from the fact that the whole world was seeing this right now. He was used to this feeling of "pressure" already.

He was red because he knew you were watching this interview. He was the one who asked you to do so, after all.

"Uhm... well" he swallowed hard, eyes avoiding the cameras "We have a healthy and happy relationship. We both love each other very much and spend a lot of time together. So... I guess I'd be lying if I told you I haven't thought about it before, but..."

He couldn't even finish his sentence. The press' reaction was instantaneous. Cameras' flashes everywhere and the reporters voices overlaping eachother filled the room.

"BUT" Isagi tried to continue, but just gave up on shouting since his voice couldn't compete with the voice of the lots of reporters. So, he just said to the mic in front of him, almkst whispering, hoping it would capture his voice "I think it's still a little early. I want to make sure we're both mature and financially secure first!"

Reporters were still talking and trying to get his attention. With a sigh, he realized they wouldn't stop shouting until the next question came.

"T-the guy with the light shirt"

"Argentinian press right here" the man started.

Oh oh. Yoichi didn't sense a good vibe from this man. He doesn't know if it's his smirk or his posture, but something feels off. He looks almost dangerous.

I'm probably going crazy, Yoichi thought.

When the man opened his mouth again, though, Isagi realized his intuition was right all along.

"I know you said you love your girlfriend, but you do realize the fans think your girl is just keeping you from becoming the best version of yourself, right?"

Oh, for fuck's sake.

"What." Isagi said, the words coming out in a rather forced way.

Unlike before, the silence in the room was not only palpable. It was now suffocating, uncomfortable.

"Well, it's clear as water" the man shrugged, as if what he was saying made a lot of sense "She is stopping you from becoming the number one striker in the world."

All Isagi wanted to do now was jump across the room and send his fist flying straight to the man's face. He wanted it to realize how utterly wrong he was. How your relationship was actually the best thing that had ever happened in his life, and how he would have probably given up on football have you not begged him to go to the Blue Lock program.

And the though of you sweet, caring you watching this made Yoichi give up on his idea of hitting the man straight on the nose, even if his body was trembling just from thinking about it.

I have to keep my cool. For her.

"Why..." he swallowed. Hard. "Why do you think this is truth?"

"You're not using your time wisely. Instead of practicing, your wasting it because you keep giving for futile things like a relationship"

Oh, how much Yoichi wanted to jump this ugly looking clown. How he wished to hit him hundreds of times, over and over again until he swallowed his own words. Until he regretted ever learning how to even speak.

His fist was already trembling. He was taking deep breaths to keep himself steady.

But it seems like the argentinian doesn't know when to stop.

"Also, it gets kinda tiring living with the same person for a long time, no?" The man laughed "I wouldn't blame you if you're actually cheating on her too, I honestly wouldn't have just one girl if I was you. I mean, you're a star and she's just..."

"Shut. the fuck. up."

All the cameras turned to him again. Yoichi was red. But it's not cause he was embarassed, like the other time.

He was red because he was seething with boiling rage.

I'll kill him. I swear I'll fucking kill this dumb shit.

"Never" Yoichi narrowed his eyes "And I mean never say my girlfriend's name with that disgusting voice of yours again. If you as much as look at her, consider yourself fucking dead." He got up from the table, gaze harder than the one he wears on the field "That woman is the source of my happiness, and you have no right to talk about her like that. If you talk with me with respect you have to show respect for her too. Are we clear? Or is your skull too fucking thick for the information to get into it?

"Calm down, amigo! I was just saying what the fans think." The man smirked, gald to get a reaction from Isagi. If looks could kill, he would have been 6 feet under already "They think it would be better if you both break up..."

"You've fucking done it."

Yoichi jumped from the table, ready to kill the man.

He wanted to crush his skull with his bare hands, to show him just how much you mean to him and how mad he gets when someone mentions you in a degrading way.

Gladly, the japanese PR team removed the man from the room before things could get worse, or else Yoichi would realky have done some damage (he was an athlete, after all).

Watching the man leave the room with furrowed brows and a subtle pout (he really wanted to beat him, after all), Iaagu decided to use this moment to make some things clear. So, he turned to the main mic again.

"I hope this serves as a lesson" Yoichi said, somehow managing to look at almost all of the cameras at the same time "To everyone watching this. Don't expect to talk shit about my girlfriend and get out with all of your teeth in place. I fucking dare anyone to badmouth her. I won't let you get away with it." He glared at one of the cameras "This press ends now."

He then quickly got out of the room, ignoring all the reporters who tried to get him to come back.

With a sigh, once he was in the changing room, he grabbed his phone, not surprised to see almost 20 missed calls and 50 missed massages from you.

(My love ❤️)

-> YOICHI???

-> WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING

-> (1 missed call)

Don't worry, I'm going home now 😁<-

Miss you ❤️<-

-> Typing...

With a smile, he put his phone in his pocket and started to go home.

Man, he just really wanted to see you. Specially since he knew that the next day, the press would want more interviews about what happened.

Whatever. What really matters is that, at the end of the day, you're his and he's yours. And no amount of dumb reporters or media will ever change that.

~ A/N: not proofread. This sucks 💔 I wrote this to stop my growing Aiku obsession LOL

[herefortheships]

You want another movie 3 speculation?

Ok, so I firmly believe that Lydia's dream at the end points to her subconscious worry that Betelgeuse might move on from her (and MacArthur Park is a song about moving on as best as you can after losing True Love) and target Astrid. With a compounding, and imo deeply fascinating, worry that her daughter (whom the movie/Delia seems to have cast as being very similar to Lydia, though personally I don't see it cause she seems too normal) might be happy with that. And I think that the bed-sharing might've been her brain - or B himself - pointing out the solution to that worry: Just give tf in and marry him already.

As an aside, a lot of Youtube synopses of that movie have AI-generated thumbnails of Betelgeuse threateningly/creepily hovering over Astrid, even though they barely interacted. Apparently lots if people's minds went there, at least for the sake of clickbait. Ffs, a guy tries to marry a teenager ONE time...

Anyway I think it would be hilarious if in movie 3 Lydia gets into trouble and Astrid calls on Betelgeuse for help, telling him she'll pay whatever he wants if only he saves her last remaing parent/family member, and he just goes: "Can you put in a good word with your Mom for me? Like, really talk me up. I didn't make the greatest first impression, and there were misunderstandings, and I don't think I'll have a shot if she thinks you'd disapprove" " I do disapprove!" "Well, just focus on the positives! Awesome powers, saved your life, has a massive di-... actually, forget about that last one. I mean, it's true, but wouldn't be helpful if you mentioned it."

So then they save Lydia, who'd be deeply, deeply worried bc her daughter seems to think B is a pretty cool guy actually, a woman could do worse for a husband. He's fun, he's helpful, he saved them, there's worse-looking dead people. So naturally, she'd find Betelgeuse and be like "If I marry you, will you leave her alone?" ...j/k, she'd try to exorcise him. We need spunky!Lydia back. She may be kind, but there are limits.

Mid-exorcism, Astrid clears up the misunderstanding about what sort of deal she's under, that he saved Lydia because he loves Lydia and without asking for anything bad in return, and points out that her deal didn't make her lie about B's good points. Lydia stops the exorcism via last-minute Green Card marriage. Betelgeuse does a whole triumphant, manic spiel about looking forward to moving in and starting married life. But first he's got to fetch some of his stuff (hc that he has just... so many clothes in an infinite magical wardrope somewhere). He draws a door with chalk, knocks, steps through. Walks slowly through the long, uneven hallway. Turns around to look back. Astrid whispers "If you took a step in there right now..." (Code 699) and Lydia goes "Yeah I know. [then, much louder] C'mon, let's ready the guest bedroom." *

We see Betelgeuse break out into a happy smile for a sec before the door slams shut.

*I don't think it would be believable if a movie ended with them being in passionate sappy Gomez-and-Morticia love. But there's no way that Betelgeuse³ will end without Lydia agreeing to keep him around. On a trial basis. With the understanding that she has the means to get rid of him if he misbehaves too much (he'll misbehave just the right amount).

It's an interesting headcanon that Lydia might have a subconscious fear about Betelgeuse making a move on Astrid. I've seen a few people mention it as well. It wouldn't be too far off to get to that conclusion, either, because of Lydia's past experience. Betelgeuse also had that flyer up in the attic just lying around. We as the audience know he likely put it out there for Lydia to find, because we saw him staring at her photo and talking to Bob earlier about how he's in a distant relationship with Lydia. We saw him trying to make contact and feeling triumphant because she might have finally noticed him that last time.

But Lydia doesn't have access to that info.; only we as the audience are privy to who Betelgeuse is actually after and how dead set he is on it, too. Only Lydia is the object of Betelgeuse's desires, even after thirty years. It wouldn't be a stretch to conclude that Lydia might fear Betelgeuse would go after her daughter, because at first she didn’t know what Betelgeuse was truly after; for all she knew, he’s still just looking for a way to get out and do evil mischief on the world of the living or whatever she thinks will happen if he’s out.

I personally don't think this is a fear she took with her at the end of the film, though. I think she has it clear now how Betelgeuse feels about her, and that he wouldn’t do something to her daughter. She might have thought it was a pretense before, or him being totally crazy, but after that dance mid-air, there's no way she doesn't know how he feels.

I think Babyjuice coming out of Astrid was just Betelgeuse turning Lydia's dream into a nightmare; a prank letting her know he hasn't left and he isn't planning on leaving her (he even thought it was strange himself lol). But yes, Lydia keeping a lingering fear about Betelgeuse going for Astrid is a solid headcanon as well, though it’s not my interpretation.

I know there are edits of Astrid wearing wedding clothes and Betelgeuse being creepy with her, but many of those were created before the movie was out, by people who thought the movie would be about Betelgeuse going after Astrid.

About Astrid putting up a good word for Betelgeuse with Lydia, that would be part of my dream-come-true story for Beetlejuice 3. I just want to see them explore Betelgeuse and Astrid's relationship as stepfather and stepdaughter. I think they'd get along great. As I've said before, Astrid hasn't really met Betelgeuse yet; she only knows two things about him: according to her mom, he's bad news. And yet, he helped save her life, and all it was going to cost was her mom marrying him and not being able to say his name (though he's totally chill with her calling him her "dad", which I totally love and will always bring it up 😂💜).

I wish the movie will end with Lydia and Betelgeuse being finally married, or at least together in love, but I'll accept them not getting married as well, as long as they’re on the way there as friends who may fall in love, and Lydia doesn't end up banishing him yet again or squirming out of another marriage deal. That'd be repetitive at that point. As for Betelgeuse being banished forever or destroyed, that will totally never happen; Tim, Michael, and especially the WB wouldn't allow that to happen. Not only do Tim and Michael love Betelgeuse, he's also a money-maker and widely beloved character for the WB, so it'd be dumb for them to end the movie with Betelgeuse being sent away forever or perma-killed.

To end my ramblings, I totally love the idea of Astrid and Betelgeuse working together in the next one and Astrid helping her mom see the good in him/putting a good word in for him. That'd be fun to watch.

I do have a feeling lately that if the do make the third part (which is looking more likely every day), they will be taking it in the direction of establishing Lydia, Betelgeuse, and Astrid as a family. I'm getting that vibe because I've seen an official promo TikTok about Astrid's family being strange, which kinda hints at Lydia and Betelgeuse being Astrid's family/her parents. Not to mention, the DVD cover photo has those three front and center, instead of having something like Betelgeuse big in the middle and the Deetz women all together below or something like that; a choice was made to have Lydia, Betelgeuse, and Astrid together front and center. Those little details have me like 👀, I'm getting a vibe that we're being led to see them as a family. But don't take my words for fact, it's just what I'm observing.

Thank you for sending me your speculations! I love and appreciate exchanging ideas with everyone. 💚✨

[papayafiles]

i have a draft from ages ago that goes "god i wish i could time travel ten years into the future to see how many world championships lando norris has won" but the more i think about it, the more i think that if i did, via some crazy scifi shenanigans, end up in the future, i would do everything possible to avoid finding out the wdc results. and it's the same reason watching a replay of a race where you already know the results never hits as hard as waking up at the crack of dawn to watch it through a laggy grainy livestream, frantically livetweeting or liveblogging every lock up and overtake, heart in your mouth, the rest of the world falling away, fully locked in on 60 laps of cars just vrooming around and around in loops. because a huge part of this sport is the anticipation, the hope and the faith and the possibility. the not knowing is painful, and the thought that my driver's entire career could pass without that coveted championship—that i could follow him for years into the future, and never get to watch our wildest dreams come true—literally haunts my nightmares. and i know it's a possibility—it happened to so many promising young drivers, due to circumstance or luck or timing or talent or skill or any combination of the above (see daniel ricciardo)—and i know that becoming a world champion is such a rarity, but despite all that, at this moment in time, i'm convinced that lando is a future world champion.

and i think that kind of belief, the whole i don't know where it came from or how i ended up here but i believe it so absolutely this is borderline religious, is a part of what makes being a sports fan so much fun. it's what makes this such a special, magical, incredible experience. getting into sports is the last thing i thought i'd do; i spent my entire childhood not really getting it, because if this is just a game, then why are people losing their heads over something that's not even real? and i have a whole separate monologue about exactly why i think sports are so compelling to so many, which i won't get into in full now, but one of the best parts of it all is getting to believe in something that much. having faith, holding faith, keeping faith over time: the odds are stacked against literally every athlete, because this whole career path is so treacherous and random and slippery; so many things could go wrong so fast, half a tenth of a second and it's all over, but i'm still here, and i believe in my driver always. that's been proven through his past results, obviously, but it's also: i chose him, or he chose me, or some cosmic combination of events occurred circa austria/silverstone 2023, and now i'm in this for life.

i honestly feel so bad for people who have never experienced this kind of fan(girl) experience—and really, i see it a lot, particularly with the whole internet irony epidemic we're in, people who make fun of fans of any celebrity for being sooo parasocial and cringey, for feeling such magnitude of emotion over someone we don't even know, who has no idea we exist, etc etc etc and it's like: i really don't think that's the point? of course the version of lando who lives rent free my head is different to the real 24 year old british adult man probably fast asleep in his monegasque bed rn. when i blog about him and i call him my little guy and my future world champion and my favorite person in the world, that's a version of him who exists in the gray space between the real person, his public media personality, the fervors of my f1/lando norris obsession, everything i've read or written about him, every image or video i've seen, every night i lay awake dreaming about him, etc. and that version of him is my guy. the experiences that led me to the place and the person i am now, one inextricable from the past year-and-a-half of living breathing and loving this sport so much all my friends know i'm a die-hard fan, is special and is mine and is more important than a simple "lol she thinks she knows this millionaire." i lay no claim to the man himself, but this experience, these emotions, this faith, this community and these memories—they're all mine.

one of these days i will watch him cross the finish line in abu dhabi in first place, and i will hear his uncontrollable screams of joy over the radio, the way his voice goes up higher when he's happy and his accent comes in stronger and he suddenly sounds young again, and he'll thank the team back at the factory and he'll thank will and he'll thank his parents and his siblings and his family, and i'll be sitting over my laptop in my lando hoodie sobbing into my hands, and he'll pull into that first place spot and climb out and stand on top of the car that brought him there, and he'll put his fists up in the sky and i'll watch him, and the entire grid will come around to hug and congratulate him, max and oscar and carlos and all the rest of the drivers who love a story and love a new champion and love him, and then he'll take off his helmet and his hair will be all crazy and there will be symmetric balaclava lines on his face, his ears will be flushed red, and he'll be smiling so big and wide, all wild, infectious joy, jenson or nico or hell even david coulthard will do the post-race interviews and they'll ask him how he feels and he'll respond with something that will be plastered on my twitter timeline and then i'll watch him raise the trophy on the podium with this sense of elated disbelief in my chest, and i'll log on here and say "is this real IS THIS REAL" and "i can't believe this is REAL" and "oh my god. oh my god this is actually happening THIS IS REAL MY DRIVER IS A WORLD CHAMPION" and the national anthem will play and he'll throw his head back still grinning and still happy all golden and glowing and radiant, having won it all, and i'll cancel all my plans to cry on the internet about it. it'll be miami 2024 all over again, but magnified and elevated on every single level. and i don't even want to time travel forward and find out for sure when that moment will come, because honestly, i'd rather not rob my future self of the unbelievable feeling when it finally hits, when lando norris world champion passes from the realm of daydreams and manifestations and uncertain tremulous maybes, to certainty, reality, the undeniable truth. to: this is the timeline we're in, and god am i glad, god is it the best one. all those years of waiting and hoping and dreaming and fearing, holding this so carefully in the palms of my hands as if it's a possibility i can make true, somehow, if i just think about it hard enough, delicately enough, cheering him on with everything i have, and now. and here. the champagne pop on the podium, the alchemy playing on repeat, he's getting sprayed from every direction, that ginormous world champion trophy, the shine of his reflection in the gold, the instagram post, the message of gratitude that i'll want to get tattooed onto my eyelids, the tribute video and his name engraved in the annals of history, the entire mtc roaring his name, grandstands of flouro rising to their feet, lando norris formula 1 driver race winner world champion, my guy forever. i want it all. i can't wait i can't wait i can't wait but i will, i'll wait as long as it takes, and this is real to me, to me it's already been written, i'm just waiting for that chapter to arrive. because it will.

[agatharkn3ss]

Episode 7 initial thoughts

Ah, where do I start. This was such a beautiful episode. Nowhere near as convoluted with the visions as I originally thought, but it was so so much better, because it allowed to focus on Lilia's story and her own emotions. I just wanted to hug her this entire episode. And then I loved her when she became this powerful being in the end. My heart literally breaks that she had to die just shortly after her closure.

It feels like a poetic pattern that once the witches get their breakthrough because the found what they were missing, then they don't need the Road any more - for them that's the end (of the Road). But their lives are the price. Knowing what we know they really are dead - the Road has always been said to be a literal dead end. So it seems like the characters get what they need from the Road - i.e. the closure, but at the cost of dying. All roads really lead to death, so that's why no witch survived it - they all got what they were missing. It would explain why Agatha survived too - she didn't get what she needed from the Road before. She cheated her way through it, every single trial. But that must have impressed Death, so she allowed her to get out.

But what does this mean for the future? Has Agatha realised yet that they will need to die? I think Agatha will find a loophole to get Jen and Billy out of the Road somehow. (I feel the locket is the key - it contains Nicky's hair... but Nicky could literally be a personification of Darkhold - which is what allows to break the Road spell. But I'll write about it some time later) But maybe Rio will want to keep Agatha there? I guess I will need to find a straight lady to get some answers XD

Anywho. I will be coming back to this in the morning. For now, the rest of my observations:

it literally is a crime that this awesome episode didn't even get 30min screen time.

I loved the comedic scenes

And all the reveal scenes - whether about Lilia's powers or Billy's abilities or Rio identity - I feel both we the audience and the coven finally got some answers and it felt good

But.... did Billy need to be the querent? I get it gave some comedic moments to it... but it didn't make sense. Why not let Agatha get back to being central to this story, not Billy? After all, Lilia's reading ended up being for the whole coven

there was a red light flickering underground with cables and all sorts. Very odd, are they actually in that underground transport system tunnels that Sharon mentioned? Who's controlling the illusion then?

Were Salem Seven walking backwards?

I thought it odd for Lilia saying telling Jen about being "sisters in the craft" - Jen literally in ep.5 said the same words "Agatha, we are sister in the craft, remember?". It's very specific, but we've not heard Agatha say it before. So is there another time slip?

Lilia described Jen as "unable or unwilling to use her powers". So I think this points to the fact that Jen really just needs to believe in herself (and that's why Lilia praised her when she healed Billy)

Loooooved the entire dialogue in the starting scene, Kathryn has again delivered some absolutely cracking lines.

Rio's reveal wasn't as dramatic as expected, but I still liked it. You could say I loved the anticipation. But it seems like she really is set up to be the baddie of the show. Is she the one who's going to call Agatha a coward?

Oh and yes, loved how Lilia left every witch a little advice for the future.

I am sure there are lots more things I will be mulling over. But for now, excuse me while I go crying....

[ranticore]

answering an ask from @coyoteworks under a readmore because it's mildly spoilery for said the black horse :)

Coyoteworks asks: ive been sitting on this one for a while because its so in my head.. i really like how you write the werewolves in mvf. it really taps into my love for examinations of human and animal behavior, because as much as i love when a character goes 'berserk' in some way like a werewolf or monster transformation of any kind, i often feel like the execution of it being a result of a well of hidden evil is a bit too 'easy'... when bowman first turned i genuinely sat forward because i was so fascinated & delighted by his behaviors. the idea that these werewolves, with their reputation for being cruel and vicious, known for having the intelligence of man and the bloodthirst of a predator animal... arent actually all that vicious the first time they turn... it's just a really lovely take on what our "base" instincts actually are, and that cruelty is a learned/taught trait rather than an inherent one... same goes for jean's first transformation, and his fear, and bowman willingly turning to ease that fear and communicate as wolves... aughhg i just love it so much... the boys are playinggggggg

---

Answer:

I have to confess to being a little bit spiteful when I formulated those werewolf portrayals... I find that the idea of what a werewolf IS has been turned into almost a fandom in the sense that if you go against their established rules, it's decried as not REALLY a werewolf or a dilution of werewolves etc. And I find that really interesting; once I saw an entire rec list of werewolf media by a fan of werewolves who was deeply dismissive and disgusted by works which didn't have the werewolf being a rampaging beast every full moon because, to them, that was the whole point of a werewolf. To not have it be that way would be like making a vampire that doesn't drink blood. The narrative is that it's always about the fear of some primal bestial anger or energy inside oneself and that this is a struggle of man vs evil primal nature.

But it also strays close to something i also don't like about a lot of 'fae' tropes which is that it becomes played out, tired, predictable, and let's all be so honest with ourselves a lot of werewolves are the way they are because the writers find it hot as well in the same way vampires are hot - some kind of surrender to a raw bestial nature (often extremely masculine.. u can't tell me there's no reason ppl keep making lumberjack werewolves). it's part of a power fantasy when approached from that angle, the fantasy of being dominated/being dominating

So those are the metaphorical seeds inside most werewolf portrayals in media. To me, I was interested more in the former stuff than the latter, but the latter interests me too. 'Man vs evil wild nature' is a common theme in fairy stories as well, with wild spaces representing a threat. On the one hand I did want to subvert an expectation, but it's also part of a long-running main plot point in the series which will become obvious soon (sorry). For the werewolves, what they represent isn't the fear of the animal inside (a human is already an animal) but just the space to be the animal that you already are. I also want to refute the evil wild nature thing too - animals don't rampage about for no reason, there's no evil inherent inside a wolf. There's no mindless violence or attacking - the werewolf rampaging on the first full moon in Inver is doing it because they are frightened. It's not a harmless animal by any means and you still need to avoid provoking it, but it has no malicious intent.

The playing scene was really important to me also as a pivotal point in Bowman's arc but also Jean's and the book in general. If we're going to look at a werewolf as an externalisation of baser nature or a glimpse into what might go on inside the soul of a person (such as any exists), why is it necessarily violent... in Jean's own words, he often wanted to play with Bowman when he was younger, but could never bring himself to approach due to the constraints of society around him. playing is more fundamental to animals (both canine and human) than being a scary monster. so in this version of monstrosity, the monster is unbound from societal convention, finally free to play

Also wanted it to be quite clear that the avatars do not rampage without reason, either; they're scared, too.

[ryuichirou]

14 years of RyuKatsu????? What's your secret on a long lasting relationship 🎤

Also don't feel the need to answer this part,,,but who asked who? 👀

Hehe yes! This is what that anniversary art we posted on 10.10 was referring to, in case you missed it. Realising that it’s been 14 years feels kind of weird, it honestly doesn’t feel that way, but at the same time I don’t even remember the times when we weren’t together lol

It feels a bit weird giving any kind of relationship advice, and I really can only speak for our situation (and I know (guess?) your question is half-joking, but I’m going to reply to it seriously), but… Hmm, it might sound cheesy or obvious, but I really mean it: I think the most important things are mutual respect, empathy, and ability to have fun together. Different people have different things they find important in relationship, but I feel like these three things are always important. Everyone has differences and difficult moments, fights are also inevitable, and if you’re together all the time, there are going to be moments when you annoy each other. What’s important is that you remember that you love that person and be empathetic and compassionate, but also give them space when they need it. Both people should do that, of course, the point is meeting each other in the middle and being willing to compromise if you feel disconnected. It’s all about giving each other space, but also all about actively and genuinely enjoying your time together. Being together shouldn’t feel like a chore and instead should be your comfort place, where you can both feel safe and have fun.

You don’t have to always love the same thing, but there should be something both of you are passionate about together. Both in terms of projects or just hobbies, there should be something both of you can yell about together. Katsu and I both love anime, love horror, love our ships and love creating. My art is my self-expression, and Katsu’s stories are also personal to Katsu, and all of those things tie together in such a tight knot, in a good way. It’s all connected, and we are always preoccupied with those things. But also, I am very lucky because even if Katsu isn’t into something that I am into, I can still yap about it without Katsu getting annoyed, and that’s fair for the things that Katsu likes too.

So yeah, uhhh, watch movies together and ship incest together, it makes relationship stronger lol

I don’t mind answering your question! But the problem is, I am not even sure how to answer it. Just for the record: we aren’t married, and unfortunately we can’t get married here. So I’m talking about asking each other out…

Katsu was the first one to get a crush, and it took me a while to notice lol It’s always funny remembering this story because poor Katsu confessed to me pretty directly, and somehow it still flew completely over my head. I guess I just couldn’t believe Katsu could like me (such an independent and smart person…), or maybe I was just as oblivious as I was stubborn. Only after Katsu got frustrated with me during some other conversation weeks later and said something about me not understanding someone else’s feelings, I started thinking that maaaaaybe Katsu kind of likes me? I was genuinely so surprised. I was so bad at noticing all the flirting…

And if that wasn’t enough… After we got closer and became obviously romantic with each other, after a certain point Katsu had to gather courage and to actually ask me directly if this whole thing is mutual. I didn’t even notice that I hadn’t told Katsu a single “I love you”, I just assumed that we were already dating after a certain point, and that everything else was already implied.  😱😱😱 Katsu YOU POOR THING

In my defense, both of us were very young when this whole thing happened, and I gained a lot more emotional intelligence since then lol Thanks to Katsu.

So yeah, our anniversary day isn’t actually the day we started dating (it’s kind of difficult to pinpoint when that happened LOL there are a couple of dates…), but actually a day when I got tired of my ex-friend and ex-gf mistreating me (we were still dating) and decided that I would rather spend time with Katsu instead, and we had a wonderful time together and it was the first time I felt such a strong genuine emotional connection with someone. I made a choice that day, and I even though it took some time for my head to figure it out, now I feel like my heart decided everything on 10.10.10.

[r0semultiverse]

How Homestuck Beyond Canon Candy Timeline has/will have parallels with Homestuck proper around and during the events of [S] Game Over

Jane Crocker heavily aligned/influenced by with Crocker Corp. Notice how her neck accessory looks very similar to the Crocker computer tiara. There's also the circuits surrounding the button, which are reminiscent of Crockertier Jane's visual mind control effect by The Condesce.

Jane also kind of looks like The Condesce with how she's silhouetted here.

The head of Crocker Corporation on a large Crocker space ship. A ship which I would like to point out looks eerily similar to the ship that The Condesce flies around in except the forks/sporks are facing the opposite direction and it's got black on it instead of mostly red.

Jake dying at the hands of Crocker influenced Jane and coming back to life parallels with this Jane coming close to killing Jake, but stopping right before death. Same green text too.

The cast of characters surrounding this time in the comic are also similar.

We also got the whole Crocker laser beam of death being hinted at which we've absolutely seen before.

I talked about this in one of my previous theories, Jake is getting a better grasp of his hope powers; so, I think we could see another hope explosion again in some capacity out of Jake's concern for Tavvy.

I could also totally see Jake being held hostage by one of the Crocker Clones A.K.A. the Brig Boys and Kanaya cutting them up with her chainsaw (hopefully avoiding Jake).

This is more of a little side detail, but Vriska is once again on the sidelines while this massive important fight takes place because she's trapped in her own personal Hell this time.

CHARACTER DEATH FLAGS - I don't know how to organize this post and there was a lot more potential evidence to this than I thought there was going into it.

Let me preface this with the fact that the existential split between Meat and Candy sometimes seems to try to course correct itself and much like certain peoples DNIs, it doesn't want any doubles. We see this with Dirk, Dave (he died even if he ascended to ultimate self afterwards), June/J/John, Terezi(seemingly), Meenah (her other self is in the black hole with Lord English so we can't necessarily confirm death but yknow), Aradia (is just Aradia), Gamzee, Calliope (that is a whole complex situation), and Rose (if her future sight is correct, but we'll get to that). Those are the only examples I can think of at this time, but it's absolutely a repeating pattern of the universe sort of course-correcting to have only one of each of our main characters exist at a time. This, at least in the cases of Dirk, Dave, & Rose seems to be related to the ascension to ultimate self, but we can't really say if that's why the other characters only get one existence at this time.

Karkat has has at least 2 deaths from around this time, one involving Crockertier Jane as well which could be a sign of things to come.

Rose's death flag is that she has literally foreseen her death in her future sight. She is thinking about Kanaya and Roxy in the same thought process while seeing her own death, feeling full of regret (even though she's trying to repress her own feelings) about her relationship to Roxy and Kanaya. Very similar to her being regretful as she was dying in Roxy's arms. I'm also guessing the bullet that hits her will be from Jake's gun, just throwing that out as a possibility.

ROSE: What... ROSE: Happened to me? ROXY: the witch got u ROXY: with her fork ROXY: but youre gonna be ok ROSE: Oh. ROSE: That's nice. ROSE: *Cough.* ROXY: maybe you uh ROXY: shouldnt try to talk now ROSE: You saved me, didn't you? ROXY: ... ROSE: Thanks. ROSE: But, ROSE: She's gone, isn't she. ROSE: For good, I mean. ROXY: ? ROSE: I saw her die. ROSE: And. ROSE: It's a shame how... ROSE: *Cough.* ROSE: A shame that I never even... ROSE: Got to tell her... ROSE: I loved her. ROXY: who?

ROSE: Kanaya. ROSE: But... ROSE: You too, mom.

Kanaya also has a death flag here in getting hit by The Condesce's laser beam of death, but it's more of a maybe given that we see Rose's future vision of Kanaya holding her body in her arms. Keep in mind though we also had this bit of dialogue about the reliability of future sight right before we saw that vision.

JADE: dont forget im more than a little versed in future sight myself ok JADE: i dont care how credible it seems, you cant depend on that information!

Jake and Jane are also on the chopping block potentially, but I can't think of a way at this time, unless Kanaya mistakes Jake for one of the clones amidst her rage and ends up cutting through him along with the Crocker clones. The one pictured below was done by Aranea who is out of the story. Maybe Meenah's trident hits Jake somehow or something, I don't know. We also have meat Jake and Jane who are doing more okay.

On top of the parallels to the doomed timeline that was [S] Game Over, we also had Vriska say that this reality was fake and didn't matter. I'm paraphrasing and I don't know if we'll get a doomed timeline situation yet with the 4 kids still in it, but I just thought the amount of parallels was interesting & worth pointing out.

I also wanted to get this out before the next update in case it's related to the flash animation and any of my predictions come true.

Alternatively I think the flash animation will be Ultimate Dirk kick starting his SBURB home brew session on Deltritus. He probably has all the tech and narrative powers to do it based on what we've seen, they just need a species they'll both be satisfied with as the players for the session.

[flightfoot]

The thing about the London special not outright accepting or condemning Marinette's actions itself, to me, feels like giving her more sympathy and grace than she deserves for her actions. There is no moral ambiguity here. Marinette is 100% in the wrong. And the London special goes out of its way to try and frame this as some "no right answer" type of situation and takes away every opportunity it can to have someone meaningfully confront Marinette about the impact her actions could have on Adrien.

They deny her the chance to even consider it beyond "is lying wrong?" She's almost gaslighting her boyfriend into thinking his abuser was a good person, and now she doesn't even have the excuse of not knowing how bad it was. The whole special focused on how awful Marinette felt for doing something so despicable. And I apologize for my harsh words, but that's really just how bad it is. There's no way around it, and it's honestly quite disheartening to see all the posts about Marinette being under a lot of stress and being 14 or whatever. Like sure, but I don't see nearly the same number of posts sympathizing with Adrien, who is by all means Marinette's own victim now. And anytime someone points out the very reasonable critique that Marinette is doing an incredibly bad thing, they get swamped with these excuses.

Hm... okay. So I agree that Marinette's actions in the London Special were wrong, and that she should have told Adrien the truth, even if it hurt, instead of lying to him. I disagree about there being no moral ambiguity, since "wanting Adrien not to be hurt worse than he already is and wanting to honor the last wish of a dead man, even if he was awful" are reasonable things to value, they just don't override Adrien's right to know about things that concern him, and the way she's done it is likely just as, if not more upsetting than just telling Adrien the truth.

So with the focus on Marinette during the special (and in a bunch of the fanfics that were made based off of the special, though there haven't been all that many) being mostly around Marinette's feelings about the lie, being sympathetic towards her... yeah I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I think showing her perspective is valuable to understand why she did what she did, and to show that she was conflicted about it and honestly believed that she was doing the right thing, or trying to do the right thing at least.

On the other hand, it did sometimes feel like the London Special went beyond "these are the reasons Marinette did this, and this is the effect this decision has had on her, please empathize with her reasoning even if you disagree with her choices (even she isn't sure her choices were correct)" to "Poor Marinette, struggling under the burden of the choices she made, but she will bravely shoulder them for Adrien's happiness." I thought it mostly did okay with balancing it except for the last part, with Ladybug and Chat Noir talking about secrets and them both hugging each other over the burden of what they can't tell their partner. Because Ladybug COULD tell Chat Noir, and the person she's hiding all this stuff from IS him, so it felt icky to me to have him help in comforting her for it, when he didn't even understand what he was comforting her over.

I have the same problem with most of the fanfics about the London Special which have cropped up. I'm okay with there being some sympathy towards Marinette in the narrative for being conflicted and feeling like she should lie to Adrien "for his own good", given that she has good intentions, but a lot of it traipses into "poor Marinette is struggling heroically with having to sacrifice her commitment to the truth for the sake of Adrien's happiness." I especially don't like when Adrien feels guilty about Marinette feeling bad over that. While that's not totally out of character for him, I feel like his feelings over his own horrific situation should be centered more, rather than Marinette's guilt over feeling like she should lie to him in an effort to make his situation seem better.

Marinette IS only 14 and I can see why she honestly thinks that lying to Adrien about his father being a better person than he is would be better for him, she hasn't exactly had a lot of classes on the effects of child abuse and the different forms it could take. But there is the angle that Adrien is ALSO 14 and doesn't even have the luxury of any amount of control over the horrible situation he's in with his father.

The main sympathy I've seen given to Marinette is that well, what would YOU do if you were thrown into the situation of having to tell your crush that his father was a supervillain, he was gonna die anyway, and decided to do the one good thing of sacrificing what remained of his life to save your substitute mom? Which... yeah I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable having that conversation, but I wouldn't lie to Adrien either, I'd foist it off on Nathalie. (I do agree with the criticism that Nathalie ought to have been responsible for telling Adrien all these uncomfortable truths, given how deeply she was involved in both Gabriel's supervillainy and in Adrien's creation, but the show has decided to give Marinette all the power and all the responsibility of deciding what to tell Adrien, so here we are).

I would like there to be more attention paid to how Adrien must be feeling after all of this, with finding out his father died and being led to believe that he was actually trying to protect him the whole time, and dealing with that knowledge, than just sympathy for Marinette's position. Marinette had a choice in what to do. Adrien did not.

[soulspite]

RGB Mixtape 1

I loved to go outside when I was younger. Grass brushing against my ankles as I ran, twigs and leaves tangled in my blue hair as I ran to my mom to show off the cool bug I found. I always loved seeing her reaction. When she sees a big, she has a tendency to let out a playful little "eek!" that made me laugh.

That all changed when I started school. I had less time to have fun. To go bug hunting at the park and sleep under the shade of the trees. Sure, there was recess, but none of the other kids wanted to hang out with me. I was either too dirty or was too much of a sissy. Couldn't hang out with girls or boys, so I was alone during my kindergarten years.

I remember I was also a bit slow with my work. I used to really struggle with numbers, and one of my clearest memories was this: I sat on the floor in front of a rug, tears making my vision blurry as they fell onto the beads I had to count out. I remember watching everyone else play, while I stayed in a classroom with the lights turned off, the sound of the kitchen staff cleaning the dishes after lunch.

I had a lot of trouble with my teachers too. Mainly with them trying to get me to fit in with the others. I would watch bugs, they'd pull me away to maybe try playing pretend with the girls. I don't think I really got that whole thing though. Why pretend when there was something real right there, y'know? At some point, I think they tried to get me to play with the boys. Not sure what they thought would happen, but I remember the feeling of a rubber ball smacking me square in the face.

Socializing with others wasn't the only thing they tried to get me to do. They really wanted me to be right-handed, but I felt more comfortable with my left hand already. They either bugged me about my left-handedness or my horrible handwriting when I did use my right hand, and since being left handed didn't really affect work I just ignored them and switched to my left hand when they weren't looking.

It's no brainer why I hated going to school at this point. Wasn't even in elementary yet and I already tried to fight my parents against going and stubbornly staying in bed. One small issue is that my dad is a very big guy with… let's just say a practical way of parenting. I remember crying as he threw my mattress outside. In hindsight that might've traumatized me, but I'll…unpack that later.

I finished kindergarten with mediocre scores and no friends. Kind of a downer for the start I know, but it'll get better. I promise.

⏮️⏭️